The Comedian Next Door with John Branyan: Recent Episodes

John Branyan

Comedy is a weapon. Get your humor battle ready.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Technical Difficulties
05:51 The Dominance of Christmas Music
11:04 Commercializing Thanksgiving Music
18:13 The Culinary Adventures of Warthogs and Iguanas
25:53 Thanksgiving Foods: The Unwanted and Unusual
32:21 The Weight of IQ: Family Dynamics and Social Awareness
40:50 The Lunchroom Legend
51:04 The Hot Pocket Hazard
58:10 IQ and Ignorance

You can book John at: www.johnbranyan.com

It's a SCANDAL, Neighbor! Our 11-year-old boy was the target of racist insults at school... You won't believe the audacity of that 3rd grade bully.

But that's nothing compared with the text message that is causing grown women to FEAR FOR THEIR BABIES.

Tune in to laugh with us about the state of the country post-election--and to rejoice that the old Leftist tactics of calling everything "racist" don't seem to be working any longer!

(Email the Comedian at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com)

In this conversation, the hosts explore various themes surrounding holiday decorations, particularly wreaths, and the cultural significance of Thanksgiving. They delve into the absurdity of certain holiday traditions and the role of food in celebrations, while also reflecting on the uniqueness of American holidays compared to global practices. In this lively conversation, the hosts delve into the cultural significance of Thanksgiving, exploring the irony of celebrating American gratitude with foods that are rarely consumed outside the holiday. They humorously discuss the need for turkey to have a more prominent role in American cuisine and brainstorm ideas for a Thanksgiving-themed restaurant. The conversation takes a whimsical turn as they consider unconventional meats, including chipmunks and groundhogs, and share a humorous anecdote about a blue heron incident, highlighting the absurdity of culinary traditions. In this lively conversation, the hosts delve into the culinary traditions of Thanksgiving, exploring everything from the peculiarities of cranberry sauce to the challenges faced by picky eaters. They share humorous anecdotes about the foods they love and loathe, particularly focusing on the often-overlooked radish. The discussion also touches on the absurdities of food challenges, drawing parallels to the infamous Fear Factor show, and how American cuisine often involves adding sugar to make dishes more palatable.

Hey, Neighbor! Our Australian friend, Jasmine, has left the table--but her visit was so refreshing! She went Trick-or-Treating for the very first time, and it led to discussions about whether Satan's Holiday can be redeemed... (When is it appropriate to decorate with skulls.)

Next: The Peaches shares her theory that "The Nightmare Before Christmas" is a Gospel story.)

Later: When it comes to the election, DON'T TALK ABOUT POLITICS AT CHURCH! Make sure you stay neutral, like that person who constantly talks about how Jesus wasn't a Democrat or a Republican.

Contact us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Sound Bites

"Sometimes people die and they don't tell you."
"I think the best way to go would be on top of an asteroid detonating a nuclear device."
"Do you gather everybody together under the pretenses of something else?"
"Let's get the parasites."
"Are you gonna stop eating red dyed food now because you know that it's coming from a bug?"
"Cereal, the reason that they color food is because the natural color of things after it's been processed is usually like gray or brown."
"I don't think I'm chewing on enough copper"
"Hehehehehe"
"I eat a slice of Wonder Bread and I'm good to go"

Sorry this episode is a tad late, Neighbor. We're enjoying this week with our friend from Australia, Jasmine! Listen to the playful chatter for awhile...

Then, help us determine the difference between a Friend and a Fan!

Sound Bites

"I'm actually... You can't see the sweat, but I've got two little sweat marks on my shirt."
"I brought the incredibly funny Lisa Gilbert who has a Dry Bar special out and what's it called? All the Time Tired."
"No outside carry-in food, drink or ice cream products. That's literally what it said."
"That sounds like barbaric to me. That sounds like something that you wouldn't need to do in modern times, Brian."
"Yeah, I like it. I'm a fan. I get that in the sushi, so."
"He misses a lot of spots, so I still have a lot of work to do, but it's still helpful."
"Santa's dead."
"The responsibility of my kids still believing in Santa or not is not mine as a parent. It's not for me to tell them. I'm not going to have blood on my hands. It is all the kids on the playground."
"I'm not signing for a fake guy anymore."

We have an important question for you today: when you travel, do you unpack your suitcase and put things in the hotel dresser???

And speaking of traveling, the Peaches has a HOT TIP for packing clothes for lots of kids!

Then: here's a sermon illustration you probably should NOT use... and an example of the world's worst Humor Sermon.

Later: Put on your serious pants, because we have another important question. Can you be a homeschool parent if you think Elon Musk is smart? The internet sounds off.

Finally, contact the Comedian's family to tell us how many days a retreat or conference needs to last... nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Imagine our shock and horror when we realized this gem had been skipped over! It's here now and that's all that matters.

"Why have we never seen a book written from the opposite perspective?"
"Men don't mind being objectified. That's every man's dream."
"In this dystopian future, men would be content with their role as sex slaves."
"Kids start to act better during December because Christmas is coming"
"What they should do is take your annual raise and divide it by 52"
"When she's mad, she doesn't care that she's taller than me"
"Boredom for parents is just a distant dream"
"Nothing thrills me like washing the dishes"
"Boredom is intended to be a punishment"

Welcome to the table, Neighbor.

Is there anything more manly than mowing your lawn?

Modern gas cans suuuuuuuck.

And also--if you have a bald baby girl, just put a bow on her head when you're going out! It will be a courtesy to strangers in public...

To contact The Comedian's Family, email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Sound Bites

"I made a sound, a pretty girly, feminine sound."
"He was clinging to my arm as I tried to get him off."
"Hornets are the jerks of the animal world."
"There aren't very many cool injuries though, really."
"Yeah, or you were trying to like rescue somebody from like, you know, push a car out of the street or something."
"I don't ever want to be stung by anything that isn't a murder hornet."
"Leaving early at a thing that you enjoy. That's funny."
"It's like, spoiler, Dorothy makes it home in The Wizard of Oz."
"It's like you're not getting out of the parking lot before me, pal."
"War of the Worlds, the movie by Orson Welles, before inspired by the radio play by Orson Welles, inspired by the short story by Jules Verne written in 1890? That ending?"
"My dad likes to arrive everywhere early. He also likes to leave everywhere early"
"It's not even watered down mango juice. I know you don't like the taste of mango."

The McKinney's have BIG NEWS. (So, here's an obscure quote from an old movie... do you recognize it?)

We chat about all the horn-tooting compliments we've received this week.

Then: John shares another example of "men can't win" with the Feminists, no matter what they do.

Later: You get to hear the advice that John shared with a Highschool-age Peaches YEARS AGO and has been repeated countless times since...

Finally: What would you do in a crisis situation? Would you steal? Murder? Eat your loved ones? Who really knows for sure????? Christians really need to stop saying they may or may not act like Pagans when they're caught in a hurricane and forced to sin...

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Takeaways

Natural conversation is key in stand-up comedy, and segues are not always necessary.
Internet connectivity can be unpredictable, causing interruptions in online conversations.
The ironclad beetle is a fascinating creature that can withstand immense pressure.
Being in the same room during a podcast recording can eliminate technical issues and improve the overall experience. Incorporating elements of a rock concert into a comedy show can add excitement and enhance the comedic experience.
Audience participation can be a fun and engaging way to involve the crowd in the comedy show.
Breaking up with a realtor can be awkward, but it's important to be upfront and honest about your decision.
The real estate industry can be confusing, with different types of agents and agreements, but it's important to understand the process when buying or selling a house.

Sound Bites

"You don't need segues, just transition to whatever it is and who cares."
"There's a beetle that you can drive a car over and not crush it."
"They're testing sharks for cocaine."
"There's no bad time to worship John."
"I could do a comedy rock and roll show or a rock comedy show."
"The more low budget, the better with all of this stuff, the more garage made."

Welcome, Pkarghl!
The Pod Ninja saw a church sign that he didn't like very much... If you want to make things REALLY WEIRD for the men at your church, John and Luke can tell you how.

Then: God is very mad at librarians... But let John tell you about his conversation with Sheila Gregoire first.

Later: If you want the PERFECT GAME for bossy women--may we suggest The Sims? Or Roller Coaster Tycoon?

Contact the comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Just me and Luke today. We manage to discuss some important concepts even without Brian and Juan.

Takeaways

Honesty in social interactions can lead to better understanding and communication.
Sometimes we do things we don't want to do to accommodate our spouses or loved ones.
Different people have different approaches to activities and hobbies.
The discovery of sharks with cocaine in their system raises questions about drug use in aquatic animals.

Sound Bites

"So you'd rather the honesty of knowing that you were not as good as something else?"
"I don't think that you necessarily have to want to go to a place in order to go to a place if your wife wants you to go there."
"There's so many things that I want to know about. Specifically, I want to know how long the guy who tests drugs, who tests sharks for drugs, I want to know how long he's been doing that job."

Hey, Neighbor. If this is your first episode--please don't assume we ALWAYS talk about bodily functions... But, we're talking about them today. Two-month-old Bridger's life has improved significantly since probiotics turned his poo yellow. (That's the color a breastfed baby's poo is SUPPOSED to be.)

From there, the conversation about ways to heal your gut biome just gets weirder and weirder...

Joe stops in temporarily, to offer his expert opinion about fecal transplants.

Later: John wants to talk about the Steve Lawson Scandal, even though nobody at his church knows who Steve Lawson is...

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

The gang dives into theme songs, chronic pain, and the mysterious allure of pickup trucks. We swap hilarious stories about cigarette lighters, Fourth of July shenanigans, and the quirks of patriotism. Things get wild with tales of fireworks, vending machine ammo, and our lack of culinary snobbery—let’s just say we’re not foodies! We wrap up with a light chat about edible bowls and a missing host. You're welcome to tag along!

Hey, Neighbor! The McKinney Kids are at the table for another improv game. They answer some important questions--just one word at a time. We love laughing with these crazy characters...

How do you know you've had a great birthday party?

What's the best way to get rid of hornets?

How do you make a birdhouse?

Find out on today's episode.

Email the Comedian's Family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

This wasn't the right episode at first....but it is now.

The gang gets nostalgic about cars, laughing over how we remember them more than people’s names. We joke about using cars as nicknames—hilarious or creepy? You decide. We also dive into the quirks of self-checkout machines and their fake gratitude, wishing they’d just give us a sarcastic “thanks.” Then, it’s all about weird food combos, like ice cream on hot stuff (why?), fried ice cream, and the genius idea of a cookie dough caulking gun. We wrap things up with a silly take on the phonetic alphabet and Morse code.

You can't just sit and listen to a podcast, Pkarlgh! The Podcast Ninja has spoken. Turns out, all of our attention spans are shorter than we'd like... What's the minimum amount of time you have to concentrate on something for it to count as "focus?"

Then: Joe and Luke both have the sort of study habits that make their wives craaaaaazy.

Later: Play "guess that word" with Emmi's spelling test.

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

The gang, with special guest Curtis Crow, dives into the hilarious transition from young to old—think reading glasses, sensible shoes, and pharmacy apps. We also chat about the wacky world of Guinness World Records and the absurdity of some titles. Then, we tackle the ultimate culture clash: marriage. Cue the awkward gift-giving scenarios with white elephants and secret Santas, and brace yourself for the laugh-out-loud idea of the "Joelympics"—where regular folks compete in everyday tasks like grocery bag hauling and car packing. We wrap it up with some honest family talk, exploring the quirks of communication and the art of not offending Aunt Mildred.

Welcome to the table, Pkarghl! We're joined by two, young McKinneys to play one of our favorite Family Improv games. But first--allow Luke to tell you about his latest KILL...

Then, Cami and Collin help us demonstrate how easy it is to create comedy without ANY advanced planning or set-up!

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. And don't forget to pray for The Peaches' thighs!

If you like outlines, you're going to LOVE this week's synopsis!

Navigating life with oblivious kids? You'll need the patience of a saint and a sense of humor the size of Texas.
Roughhousing: where childhood fun meets a near-certain trip to the ER.
Gold mining: a high-stakes game of “Will I strike it rich or just strike out?”
TV shows: where even the simplest task turns into a life-or-death struggle, because who needs realism?
Reality TV: more about dramatic glances and less about actually doing the thing they’re supposed to be doing.
Society’s greatest hits: pretending you’ll keep in touch, and convincing yourself that all babies are adorable.
Asking real questions: it’s rude until it’s not, and suddenly, you’re deep in conversation about life’s big mysteries.
Social interactions could use a lot less small talk and a lot more “Let’s be real for once.”

Hey, Neighbor, the family almost had to do this episode WITHOUT the Comedian because John is passing a kidney stone. But he is present and soldiering on! (If you struggle with the same ailment, Luke has a suggestion for something to try.)

Drink more water, find the nearest theme park, and try to get some "bang" for your buck.

Next: John and his wife are landlords who have been fighting a legal battle with a group of squatters for over a year... The whole Branyan family pitched in this weekend, to help clean up the mess left behind by these people. Why would someone hang a boat motor from a tree? Maybe for the same reason they would keep a rotting deer head in their kitchen? Or a hollowed out tree stump full of scrap metal?

Later: Let's try to make sense of the fact that some human beings actually live in that sort of squalor (and refuse to pay any bills). What causes someone to make those sorts of decisions?

And if you've never read the Lord of the Flies, tune in for a quick summary of what you're missing.

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Juan kicks things off with a wild tale about his dad’s mysterious age and a hilarious take on Tom Brady’s Hertz commercials. Things get deep with a chat about gratitude—like how hard it is to find new stuff to be thankful for without rolling your eyes. Then, they dive into the evolution of pants and why wearing them low is a fashion fail. They also touch on credit scores, organic food, and the odd value of a perfect score. And if you think that's random, wait till they introduce the Humpty Dumpty scale for fall risk and debate World War I interest rates! It’s a whirlwind of laughs and life’s quirks.

Tabby's at the table--with her enormous baby. He's even bigger than a baby panda!

Next, Luke did a show with Chris Farley's brother, and he unintentionally gave us a GREAT new marketing idea! (How much would YOU pay for a lousy T-shirt???)

Later: John reads a piece of sage wisdom... Who cares what your parents think? Defer to your children instead!

Join the conversation, Neighbor!

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

The guys discuss the idea of celebrities doing ordinary things and how it becomes news. What about a service where normal people can hire paparazzi to make them feel famous? Luke talks about the joy of gift-giving and the pressure to find the perfect gift. There is some anxiety in gift exchanges. Technology is impacting amusement parks and algorithms control our lives. At Disney World, anything counts as an 'attraction.'

Welcome to another Sunday evening at the Branyan/McKinney table--after another great Sabbath day of family fellowship and DISC GOLF. Yes, The Peaches will allow a Disc Golf Recap today, since her husband accomplished something totally world-changing...

Then: John's yardwork adventures aren't getting any less painful. Hear the latest injury story, especially if it has been awhile since you considered the danger of using a chainsaw near stinging insects.

Later: Some Christians really are shocked--SHOCKED--about how "quickly" the culture is declining. To them it seems it happened over night. But at least they're shockable, right? Their eyes are apparently working, even though they're a little slow on the uptake.

The big kids are making a happy ruckus in the background, and the newborn fusses (just a little) in his daddy's arms. If you want to be part of it all, tune in!

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor! John has some things he wants to say--while the Peaches and the Pod Ninja ignore him...

Did you hear about the man (or is it a woman?) who failed the gender test in women's boxing? Did you know even CONSERVATIVES are struggling to understand what makes someone a woman?

Tune in for this biology-heavy lecture on female hormones, fertility cycles, and--oh yeah--all of our headphones are broken, so listen while we complain about that.

Baby Bridger makes himself known a time or two as well. It's a pretty typical Sunday at the Comedian's house!

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Another riff session with the gang. Among other topics, we discuss the intrigue of candy hearts and how the Handmaid's Tale would be a different story from the male perspective.

John is sweaty. Peaches is sweaty. But the baby doesn't mind...

Luke hurt his tongue...twice. And, eventually we get around to talking about being "counter-cultural."

Viva la Revolucion!

You can email the Comedian's family at Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Join us as we workshop some ideas for comedy. It's possible you'll have a laugh, but we can't promise that.

New Baby Bridger is at the table! He has been a little cranky lately, so we'll see if he makes himself heard...

The baby is hearing and smelling new things, while old men are LOSING those senses.

John remembers the old man neighbor who used to "putter" around and do Old Man things when John was a kid.

That's the neighbor whose bushes were set on fire by Bob Branyan... Let us tell you the story!

Later: John had a brief conversation with a Christian lady about "unity." But did she really mean "just agree with me"?

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

We're riffing on the destructive force of children, pro wrestling, and the back of IKEA stores. Plus some other random thoughts. Join us for another comedy writing session.

It’s just you and me. No other podcast pals, just us. So, if you’ve been with us before, you know there was a baby on the way. Well, that baby has now made his grand entrance, and as predicted, it’s shaken up the podcast schedule. I feared the podcast might be canceled, but The Peaches assured me, "No worries, Dad, I'll pop out the baby, and we’ll be back on track, no big deal." Fast forward a couple of weeks, and here I am, solo at the mic because my usual crew is at the hospital with the newborn boy.

My kids have been griping about our intro music, calling it not just mediocre, but downright bad. So, I decided to skip it this week. Maybe it’s time for a new format: no music, just straight into the chatter. Let me know what you think.

Now, about the baby. His name is Bridger Luke Michael McKinney. That’s right, Bridger. Not Alexander, which I was half-expecting because Amanda was adamantly saying it wouldn’t be Alexander. But no, it's Bridger. And like all new names, it feels a bit odd. Babies are weird little strangers when they first arrive, but eventually, they grow into their names. Soon enough, Bridger will be running around, and it’ll be the perfect fit.

On a personal note, I got new hearing aids. The old ones conked out, so now I'm trying to get used to the new ones. It's like discovering sound all over again. I can hear leaves rustling and kids playing from a distance. It’s a game-changer, though my comedy shows have taken a hit since I struggle to hear the audience.

Speaking of senses, my taste and smell aren't what they used to be. I can barely smell coffee brewing unless I stick my nose right over the pot. Same goes for food. Everything tastes kind of the same unless it’s something drastic like a pepper versus a banana. So, if I ever compliment your cooking, take it with a grain of salt because I probably can’t taste how terrible it might be.

Join us for another comedy riff session. We'll talk about slow motion, Paul Bunyan's actual size, antiquated messaging systems and some other stuff. We had fun. Maybe you will too!

This is an absolute carnival of Branyan Family Improv. That is to say, we're just shooting the breeze and telling stories...

Hear us talk about:

-Squeaky birthing balls and Lactation Chairs

-Why milk is bad in New Mexico

-What squirrels have in common with Jared Leto (spoilers: it's the way they talk)

-Tech issues and new equipment

-Fortunately/Unfortunately

-And finally: Our new family project idea!

Plus... There's a succulent in the middle of the table. We probably better stop to talk about it.

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

We're launching a new show that will hopefully ease a bit of the pain caused by the end of SCQS. This is our first episode and we're pretty sure the format and production is going to change. But we gotta start somewhere.

The Riff sessions are comedy writing workshops. We're taking a premise and 'riffing' ideas with fellow comedians. Enjoy!

HOW MANY BABIES ARE YOU PLANNING TO HAVE?! Turns out, we've been fielding that question for over a decade...

Next: did you know the very first automobile was tested in our town of Kokomo, Indiana? Well... that's because it's not actually true. But Kokomo still loves to call itself the City of Firsts. (And we really are responsible for that loveable Big, Red Dog!)

Still no McBaby... The Big Kids are drinking "coffee." And John wants to talk about the Presidential Debate that he didn't watch.

Later: a shocking number of people can't figure out when they're talking to a robot...or when they're sharing photos of a "missing person" who is actually a plastic doll. How does THAT affect the voting situation?

Join us at the table, Neighbor!

Hi, Neigbor! We're going to have another baby in a matter of moments! Though...it could be many, many moments before the event actually happens...

It's HOT and some of us are very puffy while others are very burnt.

John is worried that the Peaches can't record a podcast after the baby is born. But there are ways to make it happen! It's all about priorities!

Then: The whole extended family was out in the woods this week... Apparently, the First Graders have been internalizing that Post-Mil Theology! (Kids who are surrounded by aunts and uncles and babies look forward to building their own families someday.)

Later: Why are we so excited about posting the Ten Commandments in school? Is this a small baby-step toward cultural victory? Or are the majority of Christians completely confused about how the Word of God actually works itself into the human mind and heart? We're out here trying to build shrines and cast Bible Spells! Jesus-cadabra!

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Tabby brought her new baby, and Andrew is home on military leave! So--join us for a noisy chat, Branyan Sibling Style.

What does an unmarried 25-year-old male think is an average size for a newborn?

And whose fault is it, really, that Andrew is always the last to hear family news? You be the judge, Neighbor.

And, Later: Does God care about tattoos and cigarettes? (Just ask your favorite 90's pop star!)

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor!

Luke's microphone isn't switched on, and it distracts us from sharing all the intricate Baby Details. But--rest assured--Tabby had her baby.

While the Peaches was supporting the birthing mother, Juan and John and Luke were attending the Christian Comedy Association Conference. There were some very encouraging testimonies shared during that time. Luke wonders if churches should make space for MORE testimonies to be shared on Sunday mornings...

Later: Why does the word "psychology" keep getting used as a synonym for "spirituality?" Are they one in the same concept?

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

We have a special Someone at the table today--though we can't decide whether he's a "guest" or a "friend." One thing we DO know for sure is, we are pretty slap-happy to have a few days with Juan DeVevo...

Did you know disc golf brands like to NAME the various discs? Usually they come with names like "Punisher" or "Intimidater." But Juan wants to market a line of more peaceful-sounding discs.

Next: Tabby is in labor! Thus sayeth The Doula (though she really isn't qualified to say much else)...

Then: What happens when an Atheist rejects religion and insists there's no such thing as evil, but then she experiences tremendous evil perpetuated against HERSELF? (Spoiler: they do NOT suffer well.)

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor! The Comedian's family lives within 75 miles of the Indy 500 race track, so we settle a very important question: does racing count as a "sport?" And can we call the competitors "athletes" when they sit in a car all afternoon?

Then: Just a little more Labor/Birth talk... (Spoilers: Tabby is still pregnant!) (Also, apparently nobody knew what the date was when we recorded.)

Later: A former contestant on the Bachelor is struggling with "fertility issues." Just wait until you hear what kind!

And: have you heard what's happening in El Salvador?

Finally: John ignores a call from his wife. And The McKinneys conducted their annual Book Burning. Here are the details.

You can contact the Comedian's Family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Last week, we were jolly and funny. This week: some of us are a little grouchier...and sunburnt...

The Peaches' water bottle went missing at the soccer game. And, what's with the lack of "booing" from the Branyan, McKinney, and Farkas section?!?! Where's the loyalty?!

Not to mention: John's 4-year-old grandson was being veeeeeery virtuous today. He couldn't help noticing himself.

Playing organized sports can help develop a person's character!... but it's not automatic.

Then: Luke was surprised to hear there's (yet another) couple divorcing in our local church body. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that many families (even professing Christians) don't hold each other accountable.

How should we counsel those who are persuing a divorce? What sort of "baggage" should a married couple expect, and how can they manage it?

Later: Why don't people like to communicate? Well, the Ninja and the Peaches had a small falling out this week, and they share a few details. It ended up being a fairly short (and relatively painless) process back to fellowship--thanks to practice. But a few years ago, it would not have gone so smoothly...

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Our family spent several hours sharing Big Thoughts after church (before we started recording), so now we're ready to just shoot the breeze... Join us for this lighthearted chat.

Why does Luke like spaghetti--but not lasagna? How many clothes can be squeezed into a standard washing machine? John gives an update on his landscaping projects. (Spoiler: John is turning into an old man before our very eyes.)

And--hey look--a rabbit in the yard!

Should we talk about Richard Dawkins being a "cultural Christian?" Meh. Too serious. Let's not.

See, Neighbor, not EVERY conversation deep and convicting. (Oh, now Luke's parents are dropping off some patio furniture!)

There's some real life happening over at the Comedian's House, and you're invited to take a listen.

Email the comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hey, Neighbor! There are babies due to be born in our family over the next few weeks, so we're talking about the birth process! What do "real" contractions feel like? How can we distinguish between "early" labor and "active" labor?

Maybe you weren't expecting this conversation, Neighbor, but it sure beats talking about disc golf! Riiiiiiiight?

Next: Communication with medical professionals can be challenging... (Here's an example.)

Then: Communication as a pastor/speaker can ALSO be callenging--especially if you're trying too hard to be profound or memorable. (Here's an example.) (Also, here's our favorite riddle ever invented by a 3-year-old.)

Somewhere in the midst of all these topics, we have an excellent book idea for the Podcast Ninja!

Don't forget to laugh, Carl.

Email the Comedian's Family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. If nobody is in labor, we'll do our best to respond!

It's the season for MOLE HUNTING. If you don't remember The Podcast Ninja's technique, he shares all the gory details again in this episode.

Next, John talks about his big plans to avoid yard work... (Psssst, he's going to be sorely disappointed, Neighbor!)

Then, Luke tells us the thing that John shared at Church today that felt noteworthy and then he forgot and then remembered again. People's actions will tell you what they really think. It's easy to say, "I am a Christian who believes the Gospel." But, the choices made in daily life will reveal much!

Finally, both "Christians" and "Atheists" in America are struggling with an Authority Problem. We'll unpack that the best we can--but if you know, you know!

Email the Comedian's Family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

First, let's talk about making cake for no reason... And,we need a short word-study, because the word "bi-weekly" has too many definitions.

Next: John has been watching lots of videos of sermons from Charismatic preachers. This false doctrine happens to be the very first theological question that Luke and the Peaches tackled before they got married!

Later: A friend of John's almost made him choke on his chicken caesar salad. What sort of "authority" are Christians "supposed" to have when it comes to raising the dead?

Finally: Luke wants to know, "Is believing a false Gospel the same as not being a Christian at all?" How much truth about Jesus do you need in order to be saved?

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Well, Neighbor, it has been TOO LONG since we talked about disc golf! Go get yourself some discs, so you don't have to be left out of the recurring conversation.

Next: We're going to answer all your questions about how to schedule your time... No, wait, we're going to tell you whether or not to quit your job. No, actually we're going to talk about productivity.

Luke feels guilty because he doesn't think he's bringing enough focus to his day job. How should bosses and employees measure "productivity?" (And what kind of "productivity" really brings the most value to the people you love?)

There are so many different directions we could take this conversation! But, of course, it always comes back to home-education and family life.

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Hey, Neighbor!

Papa John's is selling a pizza featuring crispy "cuppy-roni." This is worth mentioning at LEAST a few times this episode...

Next: there has been a little bit on controversy in the Fight Laugh Feast network. (But, really, what else is new?) Sometimes listeners feel like their favorite hosts aren't practicing what they preach...

The Peaches thinks this speaks to the natural limitations of the podcast platform. It's impossible to get a complete picture of a person's beliefs, even if you consume several hours worth of their content every week! (There's sooooooo much that is still happening behind the scenes.) It's possible to hear a message about "Rowdy Christians" multiple times and STILL not understand how to apply it, until you've spent more in-person time with the messenger.

Later: Some concepts and analogies we share on the podcast are not going to translate if listeners are not part of a real-life community. Podcasts have their place! Sermons are valuable! But there is no substitute for committed, imtimate relationships, where true disciples are made.

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, neighbor!

The Peaches and The Ninja have been together longer than they were "single." They've gone by many names over the years... But why does Uncle David call John "Scooter?" (Settle in, while Scooter unloads his coffee-related trauma.)

Then: HAPPY TRANS VISIBILITY DAY! We actually know people--in real life--who have swallowed that Kool-Aid.

AND: Our Comedy Clique has been talking about Foot-Washing Ceremonies. Some good questions have been raised in the last few days! What message is the Pope sending when he washes the feet of 12 female prisoners? Is there a better way to demonstrate "servanthood' to a modern culture?

Finally: Jesus taught that being a servant makes you the GREATER in the Kingdom of Heaven. Many Christians are uncomfortable with the way they are elevated to places of Authority, while they keep trying to be perpetual doormats. How do we deal with the reality that our acts of service give us more responsibility and "power?"

Contact the Comedian's family, nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

It's basketball season, Neighbor, and our NCAA bracket is looking sad! But legend has it, the Branyan kids once predicted all four of the Final Four teams and won enough money for John to retire for about two hours.

Also, there is DRAMA among the McKinney/West/Farkas cousins. (No, nothing scandalous.) A group of actors, aged 13 and under, are producing their own musical theater show. It's the most adorable thing we've seen in a while.

Next: If a person can't explain WHY the believe something, do they really even believe it?

Use your words, Pkarlgh! Pictures aren't really worth 1000 words, and you CAN'T preach the Gospel silently...

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

If you're tuning in for this episode, you will be among the first to sample The Podcast Ninja's new Outgoing Personality! (Tell us if you think he's not being "serious" enough.)

We tackle other questions like: should men wear a suit and tie to church? And should adults watch cartoons?...

Later: If you want to add rocks to your health and wellness journey, we have a great opportunity for you! (It's basically witchcraft--but it's all the rage.)

Email the Comedian's family: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com Tell us what kind of "crystal" John should take to the Quack Doctor's virtual event.

Welcome to the table, Pkarlgh. Our family participated in a huge fundraiser for our local Christian school--and we were very encouraged! Many hands make for light work... It's great to be part of a functioning community!

Then: If you're hearing us talk about this well-oiled machine and wishing your community was as Perfect as ours, let us remind you that we are very critical of parachurch organizations! We really need to make some clarifications about WHY we focus on the Bad Stuff in the culture... (Someone wrote to us and said, "I'm struggling to find a church that I can trust. I don't understand the different denominations, but I know you guys disagree with most of them...")

Keep this in mind at all times: God will not hold you accountable for things you DON'T understand; he holds you accountable for obeying what you DO understand.

Later: Let's talk about the problem with popular Christian worship leaders. (But don't let fear of heretical music keep you from going to church!)

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. (But don't ask us questions that should be directed at your elders. :) )

Hi, Neighbor! John and Luke called an "audible" at church last week and switched up the communion prep system. Who's going to be mad about that? (Well, some people might.)

If you start taking responsibility and making decisions then you will deal with some pushback. But, overall, you will be a HUGE ASSET to a healthy church (or soccer program). Leaders take initiative!

Later: Luke shares his fail-proof system for aspiring conversationalists. If you're wondering, "How does Luke always have something interesting to say???" be prepared to take notes!

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor!

We thought we uploaded this episode ON TIME, but technical difficulties occurred...

Better late than never!

It's snowy in Indiana--but the Peaches broke a power pole back when the roads were basically clear.

Luke did a show with Dave Dugan, and John did a show in Wisconsin (Wa-Keh-Shaw). Were these "good" events or "bad" ones? It totally depends on your perspective! Any single event could be both good and bad, or both challenging and successful at the same time.

John still gets rushes of adrenaline when he's going on stage. Luke and his brother-in-law struggle to sleep immediately after a performance. But is that the same thing as stage fright or "nervousness?"

The difference between "Excitement" and "anxiety" is simply whether you're looking forward to it or not.

Later: Most people in the audience do not want the speaker to fail. They're on your side! But even the pros get sweaty while managing their adrenaline. It's normal! Can we learn to thank God regardless of whether we are feeling wide awake or ready to curl up and rest?

Finally: Let's beat a dead horse...that is still trotting around... We know a pastor whose daughter found a questionable book in her school library. What should he do now?

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor, we're recording on Superbowl Sunday... not to be confused with Tuesdays with Taylor...

(By the way, are you the Master of your own Sea?)

Then: Not only do Christians like to identify as "Sinners," but we like to sanitize the behavior of the Unbelievers. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt--even though they are Lost.

Later: We tried to raise Luke's bloodpressure with the story of a grumpy patient complaining about her stay at the hospital. But he is pretty unflappable.

Do you know what the medical community does with particularly uncooperative patients?

Finally: Let's talk about the idol of People Pleasing. What IS the difference between having a "servant's heart" and being a people-pleaser?

Contact the comedian's family: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

We have an extra guest at the table today, Neighbor!

Also, John's sons-in-law created a video game character who is almost indescribably ugly. But we try anyway.

Either way--let's get down to business... Transformers and electronic tablets are for Christians/Saints--not for Sinners.

Boy, this is a controversial topic in our community right now. Is it wise to refer to Christians as "Sinners saved by grace?"

The Peaches really feels encouraged, because she was called a "she-devil" several times. What inspired that kind of vitriol? It was the suggestion (no--insistence) that being a Saint who struggles with sin is very different from continuing to identify with your sin by calling yourself a "sinner."

Saying "I am a sinner" is an identity statement. One person told us, "I was a sinner, I am a sinner, and it's what I ALWAYS WILL BE." Yuck. That comes from unthoughtful church culture--not from God's Word. The power of the Gospel is completely removed when Christians still cling to their sinful identity. God calls us Children (He calls us Saints). But Americans still call themselves "Sinners."

Later: Listen to some truly unhinged accusations from really, really angry people.

Email the Comedian's Family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hey, Neighbor. Our beloved YouTube show, Starving Comics, is coming to an end. (Or, it has already come to an end--since you're listening after the end.) We hope you're thoroughly confused. Or at least angry.

If you're sad, we can definitely give you a different emotion to experience...

By the way, make note of the fact that Kevin James has a new comedy special, but John doesn't want to say anything else about it.

Then: Lots of comedians struggle with needing validation from strangers. But that's not really John's temptation. For the Peaches, taking a picture with Elijah Wood is actually VOMITOUS.

Later: What does any of this have to do with a hoarder who keeps bottles of human waste near her fridge? People need to have their conscience trained...but nobody is willing to tell them when they're GROSS.

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

We are pretty cold over here, Neighbor! Wrap up in your fleece blanket, and you'll fit right in...

Luke wants to talk about CHURCH DISCIPLINE today. Let's see if this topic is as controversial as the last one he picked... Plus, the Peaches went to an MLK service at an urban church. (What a trip!) Can we weave these two things together?

Later: Luke shares a post from a woman who is outraged that she was excommunicated.

Everybody likes the idea of church discipline, as long as it goes one way... The same way everyone loves to talk about "conquering" and fighting for political power--as long as it's in the context of an MLK service and not being applied by a white "Christian Nationalist."

Finally: John talked with a guy this week who wants to help thousands of people "make decisions for Christ." But--he doesn't want to have an awkward conversation with his own kids.

Contact the Comedian's family by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Welcome to the table, Neighbor! The kids are playing in the background, and the PodNinja is feeling more talkative than usual... To kick things off, John shares why he hopes he gets invited to host the Golden Globes.

Next: he Church love to retreat. Most Christians think they are leaving a "neutral ground" in the middle of the battle field, but that's not how it works! When we step back, it leaves a vacuum that "sucks" the anti-religious Nut Jobs into our old spot that we were too cowardly to stand in.

Later: There's a campground near our home that is "rebranding." (Their words.) They are moving away from a family-style nature...and now, they will be "catering to the LGBT, Adults-Only crowd." (Their words again.) Yes, really! You must be 18 just to walk out on the disc golf course.

Finally, the Pod Ninja (known for his powerful silence) actually brought a topic of discussion! There are some theologically-questionable things on Reddit. Did Jesus hang out with Sinners? Should we take stuff personally? Should we abandon our kids when we don't feel affection, like the animals do?

Don't have fellowship with Sinners, neighbor!

You can email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hey, Neighbor!

The Podcast Ninja had a run-in with a power tool that might leave you feeling a bit light headed.

Then, John shares his New Year's Message for young people... don't promise stuff if you don't really mean it.

Words matter, and "semantics" matter. Which brings us to another point: AMERICANS ARE SHOCKINGLY ILLITERATE. (We bring statistics!)

Why does John hate audiobooks so much?

Also: The Podcast Ninja reads an amazing book review from Amazon that will make you laugh if you understand the words.

Thanks for listening!

Email the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hey, Neighbor!

This episode was supposed to air on Christmas Day... but OOPS!

Enjoy this late gift, from us.

--The Comedian's Family

Hey, Neighbor. This is PART TWO of the conversation with Juan DeVevo regarding the parable of the sower.

(You know, some people are going to reject the Gospel no matter how we present it. So what do we make of that reality?!)

We humans love to take credit for our own goodness. But--taking God's glory for ourselves is literally the worst sin we can commit. Meanwhile, we like to give our neighbors the benefit of the doubt. But when we assume they are a pretty good, charitable person, that is still judging their heart!

(Plus: why did a U.S. President snub Juan?)

Later:

-Celebrities are still strangers, even when they profess to be Christians.

-"What's up with Jesus having to DIE on the CROSS?!"

-Most church people will let absolutely anyone teach the kids' Sunday School class

-AND, more complaints about Ken Ham... (lol)

Follow Juan on tour at castingcrowns.com. Email the Comedian at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

We're puzzling at the table today! John hurt himself AGAIN. (No surprise.) And we have some news we have been (unintentionally) keeping from you, Neighbor, but the Peaches is too sick to share...

Later: John was un-invited from a show for a charity organization, because his blog doesn't support gay people. But do we really want to work for non-profit Do-Gooders who deny the importance of Christ? It's time to cancel the people who think they're HELPING the poor, without Jesus.

Those self-righteous God-deniers are doing far more damage than John's (truthful) blog post.

Contact the Comedian's Family... Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

The Comedian (John Branyan) and the Musician (Juan DeVevo) are at it again. Do you ever hurt yourself while doing manly things?...

The two swap stories about injuries, going all the way back to elementary school!

Then, MEMES! Let's recap the happenings on social media this month, including the stupidest hot takes about religion. Why would a PASTOR share a picture of Kat Von D in lingerie? Answer: people post very stupid hot takes on social media...

Later: John and Juan unpack the parable of the Sower. It's actually kind of depressing when you think about it: there's an awful lot of opportunity for seeds to be lost.

Who's in and who's out? Does God love everybody equally?

Email the comedian at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com . Catch up with Juan's little band by looking at his tour schedule: castingcrowns.com.

Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor!

First: We discuss what has come to be labeled "Spanking Gate." The Peaches was encouraged to hear the Wilson's response to all the controversy. Their Family Interventions sound very similar in seriousness to the Branyan Family Meetings!

Then: There's nothing like being accused of child abuse from people whose parenting solutions are found in prescription bottles. "Please don't help your child learn to control her own emotions...just control her emotions for her, using drugs!"

Later: Luke found a question from a single mom on the internet: should she marry the kind man who provides for her and her son? Or should she wait for someone who cuts his hair more often?

Finally: The Peaches shares a juicy parenting anecdote, for the Internet mobs to find in another 10-15 years. The 10-year-old was made to participate in a group hug, and he was disciplined when he refused.

Please send your comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hello, Neighbor.

We apologize for any unseriousness you've gotten from our podcast in the past. We do our best to be VERY serious in this episode...

Recently there have been several emails (and a text message!) asking for more in-depth advice about Real Life Stuff--especially parenting. We do our best to expand on the principles that guide our parenting decisions, while also reminding everyone that each kid/family is different.

Have you ever been so angry that you would have hurled yourself into traffic, just to (somehow) spite the other person? The Peaches has! And so has her young child. As God reveals more to us about our own sin natures, we're better able to share those truths with our kids...

Email the Comedian at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Stay serious, everyone!

Here we are again, Neighbor... We're still causing a bit of a stir with our belief that it's difficult to talk about timelines when dealing with the creative behavior of a Timeless God.

Is it unChristian to study theoretical physics and explore the impact of Einstein's Theory of Relativity on the biblical narrative? Should we have the exact same understanding of Scripture the Ancient's had--as if we don't own telescopes now?

If so--we are guilty as charged.

But if you like to image what mass and gravity and velocity could have been doing at the moment God said "let there be light," you might actually LIKE this conversation...

Ignore the part at the end where The Peaches says cooky things about Jesus reversing the curse and conquering death. Obviously, that has nothing to do with the Bible's teaching about death/sin, and women shouldn't be trying to understand this stuff. Email us if you'd like to set the whole family straight: Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Disclaimer: we believe the Bible is completely inerrant, and we affirm a literal, biblical interpretation of the Genesis story. :) Also--this is not a salvation issue.

Hi, Neighbor! We want to apologize for the quality of our last episode. It was actually a GREAT conversation, if you were able to decipher it.

Today, let's talk a little more about creation! In essentials, unity. In opinions, liberty. And in everything, love.

That's all well and good, isn't it? But WHAT ARE THE ESSENTIALS?

Most Christians don't care (on the surface) how old the earth is... but we DO care about making sure our kids understand "the essentials." So, if we're being told we MUST read Genesis a particular way in order to raise Christian kids, that will pique our interest. Most mothers are willing to write "24-hours" into their Bibles, if that's what it takes.

People are concerned with what affects their DAILY LIFE. In general, they're not impacted by whether God used millions of years to prepare the earth for humans, except that they're being told their kids will leave the faith if they DON'T teach Young Earth Creationism.

Later: A Good Man Will Do the Dishes!!! (Listen as we explain why Michael Foster is way more interesting than Ken Ham.)

There may be some Christians in reformed circles who are tired of talking about marriage, parenting, and other "basics." But we can't get tired of doing good! There are still many, many, many, many self-identified Christians who haven't learned how to LIVE like Christians, yet. Most of the moms in our home church are still sending their kids to public schools. Many are not even getting married and staying married. Many are still blaming their husbands (who fail to do the dishes) for their unhappiness.

When it comes to theology and growing in their walk with Christ--affirming that creation was accomplished in 24-hour days is not even a blip on the radar.

Contact the Comedian's family at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

This episode was recorded over video chat, and that's why it sounds like we're interrupting each other constantly. (Particularly the audio tracks for Juan and Peaches seem to have gotten smashed together during the recording, rather than a nice, smooth, back-and-forth.) Please forgive the weird delays and places where Juan (and Brian) are not even audible, for some reason. We could hear them just fine in real life!

Anyway, we just got back from the FLF Conference, and we want to stress that Ken Ham and the Answers in Genesis people are BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST. (This is not a salvation issue.) We want to be charitable to the Young Earth Creationists--we just wish they would return the favor.

The real battle throughout human history has been: will we respect God's Word or Man's Word??? We totally agree with Ken Ham about that. But WHICH of the words in his hour-long talk were God's Words?

Let's discuss:

-24-hour days of creation

-describing an act of God in human language

-taking William Lane Craig out of context

-taking the name of Ken Ham in vain

Do you want to tell us we're compromising the Scripture? Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to give us a piece of your mind!

Hey, Neighbor! We have a great idea for a scavenger hunt! For years, we've prided ourselves on being the Most Obscure and Hard-To-Find podcast on the internet. The FLF app is now called "PubTV." Sorry we didn't tell you sooner. But you can always listen to The Comedian Next Door on a website somewhere. Go find it! (But don't share the link with your friends. That would spoil the hunt for them.)

We know you've been waiting all week for this episode, Pkarlgh.

Today we're talking about the display/campaign that was launched in our Podunk Library. "EVERY READER DESERVES A CHANCE TO SEE THEMSELVES REPRESENTED IN A BOOK!"

(Oh, and don't forget to "trust teachers and librarians." They're definitely not using vague, emotionally-charged catch phrases to push a political agenda.)

Follow the Meme Policeman on social media! Also, email the Comedian at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. We'll see you THIS WEEKEND at The Ark for the FLF CONFERENCE.

This episode of the Comedian Next Door was recorded LIVE with the Starving Comics Quarantine Show audience on October 1st, 2023. Welcome to the "Afert Party." We opened the line to viewer questions and ended up discussing the impact of artificial intelligence on comedy writing.

Listen in, as John Branyan and Brian Apprille share their professional opinions about why robots can't be funny on purpose, but they sometimes do it accidentally!

Email the Comedian Next Door at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Join us at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in just over ONE WEEK!

We're ready for our ratings to SOAR now that we're incorporating some FIGHTING. Jump into the boxing ring with us today, Neighbor!

Send us an email to let us know if you need some more controversy, or if you want us to drum up some more "Brain Candy" for your listening pleasure.

People don't like to think of themselves as antagonistic... But, once they decide that someone else "deserves it," for any reason, then all bets are off. They get to be antagonistic without counting it.

John was accused of "stirring the pot" this week. That's not a Fruit of the Spirit, you know? Let's not talk about controversial stuff, because that's more Christlike.

But, what if: Controversy is the rich soil from which relationships grow? People don't want poop on their relationships...but they need to trust the fertilizing process!

Later: John shares a meme involving an octopus--(i.e. the 8-legged mammals of the sea)--which helps prove once again that Neurodiversity is a fancy word for "spends too much time on the internet." We really need to stop helping people hyperfocus on what they can't do. It's normal to be bad at things. It's NOT normal to expect the entire school system to cater to you.

We talk a little bit about ADHD meds...

And, finally: 5-year-old Silas hops on the mic for just a second. And this prompts the Peaches to share two stories from Parenting World.

Contact the Comedian Next Door at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com/

We hope you've enjoyed this dramatic brawl!

Hey, Neighbor! Give us a second to plug in Luke's mic...

Today we're talking about popular Relationship Gurus on TikTok--specifically "Jimmy on Relationships," who has amassed a huge following from Divorced (or soon-to-be-divorced) women. What does it take to become a popular content creator "on relationships"?

Well, start by having an affair...

Then buy yourself a wig...

Once again, these videos are being share by PROFESSING CHRISTIANS who lack discernment. Why are Church People struggling to sort out the difference between worldly advice and good biblical Wisdom?

Later: John played a Jimmy Video for his men's group, and nobody thought it was important. They'd rather lament the existence of technology than talk about leading their family members who are watching Jimmy Videos.

Contact the Comedian by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference next month!!!

Welcome to the "Afert Party" on the Starving Comics show. (No. We didn't spell that wrong. It's the AFERT Party.) It's usually only available to John Branyan Clique Members, but this is a sneek peek because we didn't record a podcast this week!

Comedians John Branyan and Brian Apprille have been in the business a loooooong time. They discuss the evolution of comedy over the years, as our culture has gone from "sort of Christian-y" to totally Flesh-powered and felings-driven.

The Peaches and Tabby are in the studio as well.

Also, Brian talks a lot about hitting people with chairs.

Watch the Starving Comics show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern on the John Branyan YouTube Channel. Special thanks to the Fight Laugh Feast Network for hosting The Comedian Next Door Podcast! Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hey, Neighbor! Welcome to the kitchen table of the Comedian Next Door, hosted by the Fight Laugh Feast Network.

We need to solve the Cone Palace Problem. Since this is a community-wide issue with far-reaching consequences, you already know exactly what we're talking about: There's constantly gridlocked traffic at the corner of US31 and Center Road, caused by Kokomo's inexplicable craving for mediocre icecream from 4:00pm to 9:00pm DAILY... It's awful. Let's whine about it.

Next, celebrate Luke's special accomplishment with us!

Later... People have no idea how to stay married the "lust phase." Let's dissect a meme that often gets shared by Divorced People to justify their 3rd or 4th or 5th new relationship.

Contact the Comedian Next Door by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. We'll see you at the Conference in October! (Details at flfnetwork.com)

Welcome to the table, Neighbor. When you're listening to this podcast, we call you "Pkarlgh." On this FIRST episode of 2023, The Comedian (John Branyan) interviews Jason Farley! You've heard him on Knox Unplugged and CrossPolitic.
Deconstruction. What is it? Why is everyone doing it? Even the people who are practicing "deconstruction" don't seem to know how to define it.

Jason helps John understand why nothing is really understandable... or something?

Pull up a chair and join the conversation. You're visiting the Comedian Next Door.

Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Please don't mind the poor audio quality. We are rebroadcasting some of our very first podcasts EVER. (Today's episode was first published in the fall of 2016, when Emmi was a wee nursling.)

Let us tell you about the Breastfeeding Activist/Feminists who have turned the act of feeding their children into a Side Show for the Church Ministers to gush over. Please don't "normalize" laying hands on breastfeeding women during service...

Are you familiar with breastfeeding vanity pictures? Good grief.

But don't listen to the Peaches. Her only goal in life is to hurt breastfeeding mothers.

Reach out to us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Finally, remember: if you have a problem with whatever I'm doing, cover YOUR head.

We're continuing the Throwback posts. This episode was first broadcast in September of 2016--on the day of Tabby's wedding!
What's it like celebrating a special occassion in the Comedian's household? (Well, there's a lot of activity and overlapping conversation.) Come with us as we remember the day Tabitha Branyan became a Farkas!

Reach out to the Comedian, John Branyan, by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Welcome, Neighbor! We're continuing our rebroadcast of John's first podcast episodes, ever. This is the Comedy Sojourn Episode #2, originally published in September 2016. Please forgive the audio issues. We were rubes back then... (Not like now--because these days we always get our audio equipment to work perfectly.)

Andrew and Tabby are John's two youngest children, and they have a lot to say about a spider they caught. Should they kill it or catch-and-release?

In this episode:

"You could get eight really good drumsticks from that spider." --John Branyan

"We have butts, and we can't spin webs...cigarettes have butts, and they can't spin webs."

Tabby is getting married later this week, but she won't come back to visit if Dad and Andrew let the spider go in the house.

"...Did you know, Dad, that some turtles breathe out of their butts?" --Tabby (Branyan) Farkas

Later: John and the Peaches talk about the Atheist Hospice Care Worker. (With just a few interruptions from young girls with noisy toys.) How can an Atheist assign value to end-of-life care?

Quote from The Way of the Heathen: "We matter because we matter to each other in our own short time on our own short scale...we make each other important."

Reach out to John and the Peaches by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hi, Neighbor!

It's nearly December, and things are hectic around here. So, we're REPOSTING the very first podcast episodes we ever published! These were the days long before we joined the Fight Laugh Feast Network--when we sat around a tiny, hand-held recorder at JOHN'S house (not the Peaches' house), and we let the dog in and out while we chatted about culture, faith, and family.
On this inaugural episode:

The Peaches and John discuss the usefulness of spirited debate in culture and religion. We also discuss whether or not Cami should have a snack.

This was first broadcasted in the fall of 2016.

To reach out to the Comedian Next Door, email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

We explain the purpose of the podcast is to invite our neighbors into the chaos of our everyday life, for good conversation. There are some clicks, pops, and other technical issues with the recording because the producer is an amateurish hack who lacks even basic recording skills. He improves in future episodes...(kind of).

The intro is fake news. John isn't at the kitchen table--and The Peaches isn't co-hosting.
David Pendleton is a long time friend of the family and a gifted ventriloquist. (That's the type of skill that translates well in an audio-only podcast, doesn't it?)

The men talk about various projects they're working on, but they DON'T want to be "intentional" with their conversation. (Ew.) David wants the conversation to be interesting for you, Neighbor. But--John isn't very worried about that...

Cue the unscripted discussion now!

-Why do we only call our friends when we have something specific to talk about? (Or is that just a "Male Tendency"?)

-What are the differences between "real conversation" and social media speeches? (And what's up with texting?)

-The lack of human interaction is impacting how people actually THINK and process reality.

AND MORE!...including some discussion about prison sentences and the death penalty.

You can find more information about David Pendleton's comedy by visiting anythingcantalk.com. Also, reach out to John Branyan by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Thanks for visiting with us, Neighbor!

Every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern, you should be hanging out LIVE with your comedian friends. If you're NOT watching the Starving Comics Quarantine Show each week, then please send your excuses to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Here's a sample of what you're missing!

Comedian John Branyan plays ridiculous trivia games, creates animated short vids, and generally horses around with his pals in the entertainment industry. Meet Brian Apprille--voice impressionist and movie buff. Listen to John thomas Oaks--musician, composer, and Story-Teller Extraordinaire. And laugh at Juan DeVevo--dead pan King of One-Liners and founding member of Casting Crowns.

On this episode of SCQS: In our family, literally every phrase can be connected with a movie. Here, let us demonstrate! Plus, John has a story about a Palpatine Taco T-Shirt... Eat your heart out, Disney!

Welcome, Neighbor! Around here, November means BURNING STUFF! But how does Doug Wilson get away from that fire at JUST the right moment?!

Let's chat about Devil Magic for a little bit...

NEXT: We like the idea of staring a new advice column. Dear Comedi-Anne. The first question to tackle involves kids being excluded from a birthday party. (This story is HEARTBREAKING, Pkarlgh!)

LATER: We call out an online "influencer" by name, because he's preying on traumatized, emotional children. He has become a surrogate family for a community of people who self-identify as abuse victims. Yet, these desperate people are too wrecked to recognize BAD ADVICE when they're being given it.

Reach out to us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. The holiday season is upon us, and it's the perfect time to plan your Christmas gifts. Why not get tickets to VACAY WITH COMICS 2023? More details at johnbranyan.com.

Welcome to the party, Neighbor! Our own Andrew Branyan turned 24 this week. He's the youngest child of the John Branyan family, and the whole gang jumps in to tell our favorite stories! (Legends, really.)

First off--we're becoming kind of notorious at our local Dairy Queen.

Then: Why Andrew should never get a job as a dog-walker.

Later: The Peaches talks about being "almost insulted" by 5-year-old Andrew. Plus, we hear why Tim Branyan was ashamed of his baby brother's physique.

And Don't Miss This: The Matriarch, Lori, shares the infamous "You-Look-A-Little-Weird" story.

We hope you enjoy this noisy visit to our table. Here's a hearty "Good Well" to Andrew, and we'll see you next time! (Reach out to us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com)

Broadcasting from John's house--but the Peaches forgot to pack the headphones. So, we can't hear anything we're producing. Hopefully it sounds okay.
John just got back from doing a comedy show for less than 30 people. This leads us to discuss the way audience size (and location) affects the way we talk. Does that mean we're being inauthentic or two-faced because we alter our style for different occassions?
Pull up a chair at the table!
Visit johnbranyan.com to join the Comedy Clique and support The Comedian Next Door. We're going on VACATION in July 2023, and we want you to come with us. For more information about Vacay with Comics, visit the John Branyan website.

If you're not tuning in LIVE to watch the Starving Comics' Quarantine show every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern, then you're not living up to your full potential. Here's a sample of what you're missing!

Comedian John Branyan plays ridiculous trivia games, creates animated short vids, and generally horses around with his friends in the entertainment industry. Meet Brian Apprille--voice impressionist and movie buff. Listen to John thomas Oaks--musician, composer, and Story-Teller Extraordinaire. And laugh at Juan DeVevo--dead pan King of One-Liners and founding member of Casting Crowns.

On this episode of SCQS: It's a PIRATE theme, with new music by Jt Oaks and a special guest appearance from everyone's favorite news correspondent: Pirate Rooney. Plus, we play one of the audience least-favorite games invented by John Branyan. Does it grate on your nerves as much as it grates on everyone else? Only one way to find out! Listen in!

We want you to come on vacation with us. For details about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023, visit johnbranyan.com

Hey, welcome back to the table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Did you know there's a new purple M&M? Supposedly she's female, but we'll see how long that lasts...

Speaking of females--the women on social media are up to their toxic shenanigans again. Newsflash: Women should be respected no matter what they're wearing! (If you disagree, you're probably just an OLD BOOMER.)
Next: Before you call a woman a "nag," you need to understand she only verbally abuses her family because she HAS TO. She nags FOR THEM because she loves them.
Later: a popular radio host broadcasted some truly terrible advice about encouraging daughters to make their own path and find their identity apart from their families. In case you're wondering why women are so messed up, just listen to Delilah and follow it up with a song by the artist, P!nk.
It's a jungle out there, Ladies! Send your emails to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com if you've run across Women Behaving Badly and you think we should know about it.

We're going on Vacation with some of our comedian friends, and you're invited! Join us in July 2023 for VACAY WITH COMICS. Details at johnbranyan.com .

If you're not tuning in LIVE to watch the Starving Comics' Quarantine show every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern, then you're not living up to your full potential. Here's a sample of what you're missing!

Comedian John Branyan plays ridiculous trivia games, creates animated short vids, and generally horses around with his friends in the entertainment industry. Meet Brian Apprille--voice impressionist and movie buff. Listen to John thomas Oaks--musician, composer, and Story-Teller Extraordinaire. And laugh at Juan DeVevo--dead pan King of One-Liners and founding member of Casting Crowns.

On this episode of SCQS: It's Juan's birthday, and we gift him possibly the best thing we've ever created. It's a crude piece of software that automatically generates scottish insults! Hurray!

We want you to come on vacation with our funny family and friends. For details about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023, visit johnbranyan.com

If you're not tuning in LIVE to watch the Starving Comics' Quarantine show every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern, then you're not living up to your full potential. Here's a sample of what you're missing!

Comedian John Branyan plays ridiculous trivia games, creates animated short vids, and generally horses around with his friends in the entertainment industry. Meet Brian Apprille--voice impressionist and movie buff. Listen to John thomas Oaks--musician, composer, and Story-Teller Extraordinaire. And laugh at Juan DeVevo--dead pan King of One-Liners and founding member of Casting Crowns.

On this episode of SCQS: Half the usual team is OUT OF TOWN. But Tabby is taking over the Producer's seat. And Brian Apprille is a very capable host. We're playing a game of Misheard Lyrics. Plus, a surprise appearance from someone who wasn't supposed to make it.

We want you to come on vacation with our funny family and friends. For details about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023, visit johnbranyan.com

If you're not tuning in LIVE to watch the Starving Comics' Quarantine show every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern, then you're not living up to your full potential. Here's a sample of what you're missing!

Comedian John Branyan plays ridiculous trivia games, creates animated short vids, and generally horses around with his friends in the entertainment industry. Meet Brian Apprille--voice impressionist and movie buff. Listen to John thomas Oaks--musician, composer, and Story-Teller Extraordinaire. And laugh at Juan DeVevo--dead pan King of One-Liners and founding member of Casting Crowns.

On this episode of SCQS: In case you need reminding that this is a live show, we have packed this one full of distracting technical problems... Morgan Freeman and Biscuit Neck both join us for a bit. Plus--we play a story-creating game called Scribblenauts. (And there are more tech difficulties!)

We want you to come on vacation with our funny family and friends. For details about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023, visit johnbranyan.com

There's a lot of activity at the Fight, Laugh, Feast Conference! (But somehow, finding someone to interview is still a challenge.)

Pop into the conversation with John thomas Oaks, Bruce and Jacob Johnson, the Podcast Ninja...and, blowing our time limit out of the water: The Chocolate Knox (David Shannon).

We can't promise this conversation will be better than LAST week's, but ...welcome to the table anyway!

Emmi is wearing a lot of hats, and The Peaches is going to her dance class soon. (Oops, sorry, we mean "rhymic movement.")

Let's talk about Legalism! First--we give a brief history of things that would get you reprimanded by Church People 40 years ago. (Cards, alcohol-consumption, and dancing!) The anti-dancing crowd will say it's important to "avoid the appearance of evil." And, to that, a ready reply should be: "True! So why don't you stop appearing to be such a Pharisee???" This is known as Good Rhetoric.

Later, The Peaches makes an excellent transition to discussing the NEW Legalism: Internet Karens who say all disciplinary spanking is abusive.

Nobody wants to be a Pharisee. So--Christians need to use this fact to their rhetorical advantage. In other words, we need to get better at framing the anti-spank Pharisees as judgmental jerks. If you're looking for an example of an actual social media exchange with a Pearl-Clutching Karen who doesn't love her kids enough to spank them, we've got you covered! Visit Kendra Tierney's blog, Catholic All Year, if you want great advice from an experience mom who spanks her kids with great results.

Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com -- and visit the website (johnbranyan.com) for information about going on vacation with us! Vacay with Comics, 2023. It's gonna be great.

John has been feeling weird and bad and dumb. That's his way of describing his anxiety attacks which popped up this week out of nowhere. Maybe he needs to do a Brain Dump! (Trademark: Mystie Winckler.)

But...wait, why is Luke wearing a bathrobe?

Anyway, this family knows how to throw some REALLY "dood" parties! But we wouldn't be able to juggle all of those planning details if we didn't have a concrete plan. Don't try to memorize your to do list, Pkarlgh! (A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.) That's a terrible use of brain power.

Write it down, and then you can free up space for problem-solving...

Next: John thinks memorizing the alphabet is stupid. Total waste of time. Please feel free to weigh in, Pkarlgh.

Later: The Peaches has a new BFF! You should follow Brooks Gibbs on social media. He is a psychologist who teaches kids to be mentally resilient, rather than trying to rid the world of bullies. His advice isn't only appropriate for children in schools... He also may have some things to teach grown-ups who are struggling with anxiety.

Reach out to us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com . We want to go on vacation with you (and all our funny friends). Visit johnbranyan.com for more information about Vacay with Comics--July 2023.

Welcome to the Kitchen Table of the Comedian Next Door! The Peaches has been feeling more like her old self--which means plenty of things to complain about from the hellish world of social media...

First, one of the Sister Wives divorced her husband. Word on the street is, this particular Sister Wife thinks it's "ridiculous" that her husband's attraction to her is affected by the way she treats other members of the family... (Unsurprisingly, the Internet agrees.)

Next, women have been expecting their husbands to read their minds for a long time. Now--they are beginning to judge their other friends and relatives by the same standard. Love means just KNOWING what to do WITHOUT HAVING TO ASK!

Finally, here are two articles for your consideration. "Hurts So Good"--about the sudden rise in invisible illnesses. Are mental illnesses contagious? "A New Way to be Mad"--first published in 2000, about the link between Transgenderism and people who want to remove healthy limbs/digits.

Join us at the Fight, Laugh, Feast Conference in Knoxville, October 6th-8th. John will be glad to see you, even if The Peaches isn't.

Want to know what it would be like to go vacation with a bunch of comedians? Visit johnbranyan.com for information about VACAY WITH COMICS!

We open this episode celebrating John's birthday! (Sometimes we celebrate his birthday when he's not actually present...) Tabby is here for a little bit, and the cherry delight is truly delightful.

If you've ever wondered why restaurants often sing a special happy birthday song rather than the traditional version, allow Tabby to make up a nonsense explanation!

Later: John is encouraging his small congregation to visit ANOTHER small congregation for Sunday services. Does that make him weird? (Short answer: yes.)

We spend the rest of the show unpacking WHY John is so weird. And we'll explain why every local church body in the country is a little bit different, but also mostly the same.

Which role do you play in YOUR local church, Neighbor?

Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to share your thoughts. Also, consider supporting John Branyan Comedy by joining the Clique! Tune in Sundays at 7:00pm Eastern on the John Branyan YouTube Channel for a special LIVE stream event. (Your LIVE comments will be featured in the show!)

Welcome to the table of the Comedian Next Door! Sometimes our kids are afraid of strange/funny things and we spend 10-15 minutes telling the stories. (Hot Tip for potty training: let your toddler run around pantless!)

What scared you when you were young? Was it a creepy clown painting or non-existent bugs in your bed?

Also: have you noticed the Texas Roadhouse logo kind of looks like a rabbit, if you look at it veeeeeeeery carefully. Come find us at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October, and we'll have Cami show you!

Then: People are very offended at the idea that men become kings of a tiny kingdom when they get married. If you don't know why, then you're part of the problem.

Later: Everybody in Moscow seems to be obsessed with warfare! (And that includes the critics, who are more than ready to show up and fight.)

Finally, the Peaches sent an email to an app developer letting them know that abortion is NOT healtcare. If you'd like to email the same company, the address we used was: service@biowink.com.

We'll see you in Knoxville October 6th-8th!

Welcome to the kitchen table of The Comedian Next Door. Please don't mind the heavy machinery tearing down perfectly healthy trees in our backyard. We're not happy about it--but we don't have much say when the government decides to be destructive.

There was some drama in the network this week on the topic of baptism, so we need to take our turn beating the horse. Does "baptist" theology lead to transgender ideology?

On this episode:

-If we want to IMPACT the culture, we must be prepared to take some responsibility when our IMPACT isn't a good one.

-How do we label the smaller subset of Christians who promote individualism and making PERSONAL DECISIONS for Jesus? (Should we call them "baptists?")

-We must pause to manage the crying child...

-Lots of children have gone to Church Camp and "made a decision" to identify as a Christian only to turn around two years later and "identify" as the opposite gender. Coincidence? Maybe.

-Look at the way parents often shrug and say "we did our best, but we can't control our kids." If they won't take responsibility for the way their kids turn out, then who will?

And more!

We want to see you at the FLF Conference, October 6th-8th in Knoxville. Details at flfnetwork.com. Also--if you've ever wondered what it would be like to go on vacation with a bunch of comedian friends, we have a GREAT opportunity for you. Visit johnbranyan.com to learn more about VACAY WITH COMICS, coming July 2023.

Email the Comedian and his family at: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Hi, Neighbor! You should make your grilled cheese with American AND cheddar. It's tasty.

And, if you have some salt handy, you can toss it merrily into the air while you twirl!

The McKinney kids are back to the homeschool grind. But this year, we are going to try really hard to spend less time HATING our work. There have been several field trips and adventures already--including treasure from the reservoir and the bubbliest worms we've ever seen. Please join us in praying for the wisdom to know when to push these scholars toward greater excellence...and when pack it up and go climb on ancient playground equipment.

Then: find out what is making John nervous right now! (Hint: it has to do with a performance he has NEVER DONE before.)

Later: there's big News about John getting a REAL JOB. It's the same Real Job he had BEFORE he quit to become a full-time comedian.

All this and more on today's episode.

If you'd like to email the Comedian's family: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

We're looking forward to seeing all our neighbors at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in Knoxville. (Details at flfnetwork.com)

COME ON VACATION WITH US! Visit johnbranyan.com for information about Vacay with Comics--returning July 2023.

Welcome to the kitchen table--where we're eating soup/salad and thanking God for banana bread. The 6-year-old, Emmi, has some concerns about life after death that will make your heart melt.

THEN, we share a Sea Chanty that was written by our good friend, John thomas Oaks, to promote Vacay with Comics! If you've wondered what it would be like to go on vacation with a bunch of Christian comedians, this is the event for you. Visit johnbranyan.com for more information. (And, to see the video version of this song, visit the John Branyan YouTube Channel.)

Finally, John talks about an interview between Pete Holmes and Tom Segura, with the totally-not-clickbait title "PETE HOLMES HATES THESE CHRISTIAN JOKES!"

There are two problems. #1. Pete Holmes is an ex-Christian who still tries to speak like some type of authority on Christian culture. #2. The "jokes" (and "comedians") he mocks do not represent the best Christian material out there. Everyone agrees the jokes are corny and terribly--including the vast majority of Christians.

Send us an email at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also JOIN US AT THE FLF CONFERENCE, October 6th-8th in Knoxville. Details at flfnetwork.com.

Welcome to the kitchen table--where we're eating soup/salad and thanking God for banana bread. The 6-year-old, Emmi, has some concerns about life after death that will make your heart melt.

THEN, we share a Sea Chanty that was written by our good friend, John thomas Oaks, to promote Vacay with Comics! If you've wondered what it would be like to go on vacation with a bunch of Christian comedians, this is the event for you. Visit johnbranyan.com for more information. (And, to see the video version of this song, visit the John Branyan YouTube Channel.)

Finally, John talks about an interview between Pete Holmes and Tom Segura, with the totally-not-clickbait title "PETE HOLMES HATES THESE CHRISTIAN JOKES!"

There are two problems. #1. Pete Holmes is an ex-Christian who still tries to speak like some type of authority on Christian culture. #2. The "jokes" (and "comedians") he mocks do not represent the best Christian material out there. Everyone agrees the jokes are corny and terribly--including the vast majority of Christians.

Send us an email at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also JOIN US AT THE FLF CONFERENCE, October 6th-8th in Knoxville. Details at flfnetwork.com.

Welcome to the table of the Comedian Next Door, John Branyan. Although, technically, this particular table belongs to his daughter, Amanda. Let us introduce you to our good friend, Pete Heck. Pete writes for Not-the-Bee and is a public school history/government teacher. Make sure you Google "Trump Globe Hands," for some reason...

Anyway, eventually we get around to chatting about the dire state of public education--which is one of our favorite topics. To quote the public school teacher, "The system is fatally flawed." So...what should Christians do now?

Even churched kids don't have basic Bible knowledge. The majority of students are coming from broken homes, with no foundation for how to live in a healthy family/community. Stay tuned for the end of the episode, when Pete tells us exactly how to fix all of these serious issues!

You can find Peter's personal website at peterheck.com and many of his articles at notthebee.com. If you enjoy content from The Comedian, please consider joining the Comedy Clique. (Details at johnbranyan.com) Also--have you wondered what it would be like to go on vacation with a bunch of comedians?! You need to join us for Vacay with Comics 2023.

Finally, we'll be joining our Fight Laugh Feast brothers and sisters at the FLF Conference October 6th-8th. If you haven't registered yet, WHY NOT?! (flfnetwork.com)

Welcome to the table of the Comedian Next Door, John Branyan. Although, technically, this particular table belongs to his daughter, Amanda. Let us introduce you to our good friend, Pete Heck. Pete writes for Not-the-Bee and is a public school history/government teacher. Make sure you Google "Trump Globe Hands," for some reason...

Anyway, eventually we get around to chatting about the dire state of public education--which is one of our favorite topics. To quote the public school teacher, "The system is fatally flawed." So...what should Christians do now?

Even churched kids don't have basic Bible knowledge. The majority of students are coming from broken homes, with no foundation for how to live in a healthy family/community. Stay tuned for the end of the episode, when Pete tells us exactly how to fix all of these serious issues!

You can find Peter's personal website at peterheck.com and many of his articles at notthebee.com. If you enjoy content from The Comedian, please consider joining the Comedy Clique. (Details at johnbranyan.com) Also--have you wondered what it would be like to go on vacation with a bunch of comedians?! You need to join us for Vacay with Comics 2023.

Finally, we'll be joining our Fight Laugh Feast brothers and sisters at the FLF Conference October 6th-8th. If you haven't registered yet, WHY NOT?! (flfnetwork.com)

After several weeks of postponements, we finally got ahold of Kenn Kington. He preaches sometimes, but he's not a pastor. And he tells jokes sometimes, but he may not be a comedian, either. We spend some time swapping adorable kid stories before we get down to business...

Bill Burr performed an amazing rant about abortion recently. Why are the PAGAN Comedians being more unabashedly truthful from stage than the Christian ones?!

Kenn and John both share examples of jokes/bits that were considered "too offensive" by certain church people.

Also: what's with all the "second-hand" offense these days?

Check out Kenn's drybar special by Googling Kenn Kington Drybar. He's trying to get a million views! Also, visit johnbranyan.com to join the Branyan Comedy Clique and support the show. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in Knoxville October 6th-8th! (Details at flfnetwork.com)

After several weeks of postponements, we finally got ahold of Kenn Kington. He preaches sometimes, but he's not a pastor. And he tells jokes sometimes, but he may not be a comedian, either. We spend some time swapping adorable kid stories before we get down to business...

Bill Burr performed an amazing rant about abortion recently. Why are the PAGAN Comedians being more unabashedly truthful from stage than the Christian ones?!

Kenn and John both share examples of jokes/bits that were considered "too offensive" by certain church people.

Also: what's with all the "second-hand" offense these days?

Check out Kenn's drybar special by Googling Kenn Kington Drybar. He's trying to get a million views! Also, visit johnbranyan.com to join the Branyan Comedy Clique and support the show. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in Knoxville October 6th-8th! (Details at flfnetwork.com)

We're not at the kitchen table today...we're in front of our computer screens, video-chatting with our friend, Juan DeVevo. It takes us forever to introduce him and the topic--so please bear with us while we shoot the breeze.

Juan is a founding member and "Stage Left Guitar Player" for Casting Crowns. So, let's talk about worship music. (And don't forget to give us two things you LOVE every time you say something you "hate.")

What does John have against modern praise music? What would it take to win him over?

Also--what does this have to do with chicken nuggets?

We'll cover all of these things and much, much more! In fact, this is an EXTENDED EPISODE, which would have been even longer if The Peaches hadn't decided when to pull the plug...

You can find Juan's touring schedule at castingcrowns.com. Also--visit johnbranyan.com for details about VACAY WITH COMICS. Coming in July, 2023. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference October 6th-8th in Knoxville. (Flfnetwork.com for more information.)

Welcome to the table at the Comedian's house...and welcome to "Kokomo Beach" as well.

We've been doing some hard work managing our emotions lately...

John used a passage in 1 Timothy when he was teaching at youth Bible Study this week. What does "rebuke" mean? And what does "exhort" mean? Ask your kids to define words for you, Neighbor! It helps them learn to think!

Later: we give some examples of adults who struggle with ethical dilemmas because they aren't wise. What would you do if the boat was sinking and you could only save 4 out of 10 people? (Why not just roll dice?)

Then: what would you do if you got pregnant out of wedlock and didn't want to confess to your family?

Finally: Pilgrim's progress is a really great story. Kids don't have the capacity to understand it fully. But, with some life experience (and maturity), it really hits you!

If you'd like to contact the Comedian, you can email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. We are gearing up for the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in Knoxville, October 6th-8th. Details at flfnetwork.com! Also, come on vacation with a bunch of comedians. Details about Vacay with Comics 2023, at johnbranyan.com.

John and The Peaches are joined at the table by Tabby--the other sister. Tabby's baby is a grabby baby. (Say that three times fast.) The conversation ambles around family and food... and then we get down to business!

The camping trip last week did NOT go according to plan. Spoilers: there was car trouble and much, much, much vomit.

What can we do when the family trip just keeps delivering blow after blow? How can we be emotionally okay--when things are falling apart physically?

On the one hand, it's nice to feel needed and to have your job clearly laid out in front of you. But how many of us actually live as though we believe that "blessings come through raindrops and healing comes through tears"? (Update: That song is only 11 years old. But it might as well be 30.)

It's a miracle of the Holy Spirit whenever ANYONE is able to step outside the terrible situation and stay Kingdom-minded.

Then: WHYYYYYY ME?!?!?! Lessons from Nancy Kerrigan and the Pipe Incident...

Later: Why were the city fireworks so weird this year? We don't know for sure, but now John has a great idea for a musical.

If you'd like to contact the Comedian Next Door, email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also--we want you to come on vacation with our family and several of our Comedian Friends. Visit the johnbranyan.com and get more information about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023.

Hey, Neighbor! Pull up a chair because we've got a cute story about kids at the Bubble Show. The Kingdom of Heaven is made up of such as these...

Then: A survey of parks in our hometown. Maybe this isn't interesting to anyone else--but you can Google "Jackson Morrow Park Kokomo" and confirm we're TELLING THE TRUTH about this!

Later: John got into some trouble suggesting that women shouldn't be "comedians" the same way men can... Allow him to clarify. Eventually, he admits the women in his family are very funny, which prompts the Peaches to share a story about the dream she had. (One word: Ants)

Finally, go check out Facebook and see the horde of angry trolls on John's page. How the heathen rage when Christians celebrate life.

We want you to come on vacation with us! Visit johnbranyan.com for more information about Vacay with Comics.

John and the Peaches are sitting at the table with mugs of tea. But no sugar for John, Please! He is deeply invested in a fad diet--and it's taking over his dreams.

Since you're at the Comedian's house today, you can help us get ready for Family Camp next week. John is scheduled to deliver four talks, plus games and activities, so we need to figure out which topics to cover with the campers. (Somebody grab a pen and write this stuff down!)

-Comedy is able to thrive in families because of shared contexts/experiences. There are lots of opportunities for "inside jokes" and call-backs!

-Good improv works because comedy is built into the game... and guess Who built comedy into the Game of Life?

-In order to do comedy better, learn to ask lots of questions.

-Tell kids the truth... (You have to understand what's true in order to make jokes about it.)

If all of this seems a bit disjointed and random, it's because we still have some polishing to do before next week! What else should we cover in our presentations, Neighbor? Which bits of wisdom/advice from The Comedian have been most helpful to you?

Send us your recommendations: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Also, visit johnbranyan.com for information about VACAY WITH COMICS 2023. We're going camping with a bunch of John's comedian friends, and we want your family to join us.

John's a little under the weather, but he's going to soldier on! It's very, very hot in our neck of the woods, and it's reminding us of happy childhood memories, digging holes and making "Mixtures." Those were the days, right?!

Next: John tells us his idea for making Pride Parades into "family friendly" events. But the Peaches is worried his idea might be a little too much fun...

Finally: the Atheists are swarming on John's Facebook page. You can go look at some of their comments, but don't spend too much time trying to climb inside their heads and think like they do. It's hellish in there.

If you'd like to connect with the Comedian and his family, you can email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com . We're going to be hosting another Vacay with Comics in July of 2023! Please be on the lookout for details on our website (johnbranyan.com) ....but cut John some slack because it's really hot up in the attic where he works.

Welcome to the kitchen table of the Comedian Next Door! Today, we start with a parable... No, wait, we have to talk about pet food first.... Oh, and we need to pause and sort out some child drama.

Okay, NOW we're going to hear a parable about a church with a strange number of house fires. Everybody's house is burning to the ground around here! What is going on???

We need to look at the fruit that church people are producing. And then we need to have the courage to stop taking advice from broke people.

Instead of buying fireworks, why don't you teach your kids the basic tenents of Christianity? (Pssst, Christianity teaches more than just "love people.")

If you'd like to reach out to the Comedian and his family, you can email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com . Also, consider supporting the show by visiting johnbranyan.com and joining the Comedy Clique! We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October, Neighbor! (Details at flfnetwork.com)

John and the Peaches are on a video call with Tabby and our new intern... So--rather than joining us at the table, you can roll up at a chair at the office desk!

Today, we're talking about the fact that things change and people grow, and sometimes we regret things we said years ago. (Hey, that rhymes.) We place a high value on "consistency" (as opposed to hypocrisy), which is a good thing EXCEPT there may come a point where the focus on consistency will prevent us from making necessary changes. Why are we so afraid to be DIFFERENT than we were in the past?

In this episode:

-We can't say all the truth things at once. Only God can.

-Do something that Future Tabby will thank you for! (Good job, Past Tabby.)

-How can an aspiring young minion get her foot in the door of the entertainment industry? (Spoiler: The Comedian doesn't know.)

Plus more!

If you'd like to contact us, email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also, consider supporting the show by visiting johnbranyan.com and joining the Comedy Clique. Mark your calendars for July 27th to 30th, 2023. We're going on a VACAY WITH COMICS, and we want you to come laugh with us.

This episode is late, Neighbor! We have no excuse...

Pull up a seat at the table to hear the story of how the McKinney Kids offended someone at McDonald's. Also--there's a viral scandal involving a pastor from Indiana that John wants to talk about.

Does this conversation make any conhesive sense, or does it just wander from one random thought to another?

We're not sure! But this episode DOES have lots of toads going for it! (Do dogs eat for pleasure?)

Contact us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also, considering supporting John Branyan Comedy by visiting johnbranyan.com and joining the Comedy Clique! There are lots of insider perks for doing so. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October!

Welcome to the kitchen table of the comedian next door! All the kids are here, making a joyful noise next to the recorder. But we're not going to "shush" them unless/until they do something wrong...

This week, we learned that we are the reason some people don't want to come to church. And what have we been doing to cause them to be so completely repulsed?

We've been laughing! (The horror.)

There is WAY TOO MUCH SADNESS in the world for Christians to spend any time being funny. Do you have any idea how many traumatic experiences happen in churches?! We have so much crying to do and so little time... Stop smiling! This is serious!

If you'd like to contact the Comedian, email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also, consider supporting the show by visiting johnbranyan.com and joining the Comedy Clique. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October! (Details at flfnetwork.com)

Welcome to the table, Neighbor! Go ahead and take the Peaches' seat because she's not using it much. There's too much parenting to do!

Meanwhile, John wants to tell you about some of his terrible experiences with comedy shows this week. (But, really, the terrible shows make for the best stories.)

Also--we got an email this week. Thanks for sending us details about your childlike joys!

Finally, we get pretty raw and honest about the insomnia and mood swings and how it's affecting parenting decisions. We're trying to teach our kids to do the right thing, even when they don't feel like it. But, we have to practice what we preach first!

You can contact us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com...

The Comedian's house is busy (as always). Let the 4-year-old explain why he "needs" to use tongs to handle his Elmo doll...

We're continuing to "plod" along with our daily tasks--but sometimes the process feels painfully slow. If you're an older mother who has successfully raised her children in the Lord, the Peaches could use some encouragement. Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to share your testimony of how daily, ordinary faithfulness has paid off.

Later: Look at all the amazing things our bodies are able to do... like REMEMBERING things that happened in the past and driving to church without crashing.

Who are we to decide what's "too much" for us to handle? Wouldn't we think most of our ordinary activities were "too much," if we hadn't experienced being able to do them?

The Peaches has been convicted that she has been influenced by the Materialist culture more than she realized. There are many assumptions about the limitations of our physical bodies which come from "science" (and "experts" in Biology) rather than from Scripture...

Many other things get brought up as well, but it's a bit difficult to outline. Pull up a chair at the table and join us!

Visit johnbranyan.com to Join the Comedy Clique and support the show. You also can visit flfnetwork.com for more information about the Fight Laugh Feast Conference, coming up in October. Our family will be there (Lord willing). Will yours?

This episode is being uploaded late, due to tech difficulties. Sorry about that, Neighbor Pkarlgh!

Our family is celebrating Cami's 11th birthday this week, but not everyone is excited about her party's theme. Is it okay for Christians to read stories about magic and witchcraft?... We discuss this briefly.

Then: it's encouraging to know that God has been revealing pieces of his Truth to EVERY nation in EVERY era. But, when are we allowed to agree with the pagans? Or are we running the risk of compromising our faith in order to get along with more people?

Let us regale you with a very long-winded anecdote with borrowed from The King's Hall Podcast. Don't be quick to divide and sell the land of your inheritance, Neighbor!

You can contact us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com, and you can support the show by becoming a member of John's Comedy Clique. Details at johnbranyan.com.

The house is FULL of family today (especially noisy kids)--and we don't feel much like podcasting... But, we're doing it anyway! Tabby is at the table, and Megan grabs a mic later in the episode as well.

John wants to talk about why so many Christians seem to be "deconstructing" their faith. We think we mostly agree with the article he quotes.

Young Americans no longer trust large institutions like the government, the medical establishment, and the Church. They've become loners who trust no one except themselves...and it's getting to the point where they don't really trust themselves, either. (That's what happens when you have been taught to see through everything. There's no end to the free fall.)

Christians have access to information about other belief systems and worldviews they didn't have 100 years ago, which may tempt them away from their faith. But--more importantly--they don't have the skills necessary to discern what's true and what's false.

Pull up a chair and join the discussion! Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com with your comments. Also--be looking for more information about the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October. We'll see you there, Neighbor!

The Podcast Ninja (Luke) is at the table today. We begin by talking about how much fun comedian's have when they're driving about 10 hours, to and from a show.

Then, the Peaches reminds John about how wrong he was two episodes ago... (Remember when John was wrong, Neighbor?) But she's actually trying to make him feel better by sharing something that convicted HER lately: CS Lewis had a different perspective on Emotionalism than we typically have on this podcast!

Please enjoy some quotes from The Abolition of Man.

"[People who are wrong] see the world around them swayed by emotional propaganda — they have learned from tradition that youth is sentimental — and they conclude that the best thing they can do is to fortify the minds of young people against emotion. My own experience as a teacher tells an opposite tale. For every one pupil who needs to be guarded from a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. The right defence against false sentiments is to inculcate just sentiments. By starving the sensibility of our pupils we only make them easier prey to the propagandist when he comes. For famished nature will be avenged and a hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head." --CS Lewis

John doesn't think we have been guilty of downplaying emotions. BUT, his young grandson recently confessed to feeling guilty about liking video games, so...

What do you think, Neighbor? Are Christians accidentally creating hard hearts, as a remedy for soft heads? Or are we doing a decent job passing on an appreciation for objective beauty and majestic music and passionate poetry?

Send us your comments: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Also, tune in later this week for MORE CONTENT from The Comedian Next Door. (If you'd like to support the show, consider joining the Comedy Clique. Details at johnbranyan.com)

The Comedian and The Peaches are talking about heartrate and stress. Apparently, it's possible for your body to be stressed without your mind being aware of it. Who knew?

We always talk about not being able to trust our emotions, but we can't always trust our thoughts and perceptions, either...

Sometimes the tasks that would be stressful for others actually calm us down. That's our comfort zone! But sometimes we have panic attacks on airplanes.

Next, John makes a few confusing announcements about when he'll be performing at Gutty's comedy club. (He's appearing at the Minneapolis Gutty's on April 22nd and 23rd, and the Indianapolis Gutty's on April 29th and 30th.) Also, the Peaches sees a bug on the wall.

Then, John's dental hygienist asked for his opinion about the infamous Chris Rock and Will Smith Slap, so he shares that opinion with you, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Basically, the people of Hollywood are not doing very well!

Being unable to handle Mean Words is a sign of personal weakness. Don't be so easily stressed by your surroundings that you can't control your actions.

Finally, what would possess Joel Osteen to block other Christians from critiquing his sermons? (Also, we're still trying to meet Mike Winger. If you know his people, put in a good word for us.)

If you'd like to support the show, visit johnbranyan.com and join The Comedy Clique. You'll get exclusive access to our Telegram group and private game nights and more! We'll be at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October. More details at flfnetwork.com .

We're here at the table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! (And the kids are working busily nearby.) Join us while we talk about John's latest post on social media. Spoilers: this conversation does not go the way he expected...

In this episode:

-Why would a person post a comment that is nothing but Scripture?

-Social media encourages disagreement and misunderstanding.

-It's almost impossible to communicate with other humans... unless we can find common ground in Christ.

-We don't often treat people on social media with the same grace we give our loved ones in real life.

-John is defensive about being defensive.

-Plus MORE!

Bottom line: maybe we should stay in our lane by focusing on helping people find the humor in their life and choose joy.

Send your Scripture references to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Also, consider supporting John Branyan Comedy by becoming a member of the Comedy Clique! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

Welcome to the table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! The Peaches had an epiphany this week regarding how important it is for the human body to have food. Isn't it crazy the way the sun rises every morning--and putting nutrients in your stomach can change your life?

But let's remember: people are not just physical creatures. We have minds and souls as well.

Later: Would you criticize a fat person at the gym? It's hard to wait for God to reveal the same things to other people that He has revealed to you...

Then: Are we encroaching on Relativism over here??? Or are we simply realizing a Truth about the "living and active" nature of Scripture?

Finally: Ecclesiastes seems really depressing... But, with the right perspective, it's actually encouraging. "NOTHING MATTERS--EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS!" It reminds us of John's saying, "Life is a joke."

Reach out to us by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Join us at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in October! (Details at flfnetwork.com) Tune in to the Starving Comic's Quarantine Show on the John Branyan YouTube channel!

We're going to be totally honest about some stuff today, Neighbor! The Peaches still has been dealing with some emotional and psychological discomfort. (We would blame the thyroid if we could, but that's has been ruled out, so.... darn.) Sometimes, life's trials just FEEL more weighty than other times...

Hang on, we have a quick interruption while Collin amazes everyone with his poem-thingy...

Okay--back to the subject. The Peaches is going to be very cautious ("guarded") with her words today. But John wants to lay everything out on the table and tell you about some interpersonal conflict. Not everyone handles their struggles/crisis by dialoging with their Christian family and processing things. But that's how WE roll.

There are some problems at church because many people aren't comfortable with open communication.

Join us at the table. Let's say true things.

What do you think, Neighbor? Should John record another Dry Bar special?

Either way, let's talk about why John keeps posting about Modesty on social media and triggering the "bossy" Feminists...

We don't live in a Patriarchy anymore. So, when you discover certain words/topics you're not allowed to say, it's not a bad idea to keep your finger on that nerve.

Our culture keeps telling women to "be themselves," but what does that even mean?

Next: the Peaches has some very good news! More and more Christians are becoming as grumpy and cynical as she is! Hooray! There seems to be a shift among our brothers and sisters, as if the bulk of the Church now has almost as much experience dealing with trolls on social media as we did 10 years ago!...

Also: if you want to help the Feminists kill John using an obscure Medieval torture device, then B.Y.O.E.

Finally: how should we react when those few (but loud) non-believers show up to spout foolishness? Do we respond at all? Here's a quick reminder about Bully Management 101.

If you enjoy being part of the conversation, consider also being part of the Clique! Visit Johnbranyan.com to support more John Branyan content. Also--if you're not already part of the Fight Laugh Feast network, visit FLFnetwork.com to get plugged in. The FLF Conference is happening in October! Be there or be square.

Good to have you at the table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! If you have any tips for helping Collin grow an inch taller before the summer, please let us know.

Now--let's talk about a book by Vishal Mangalwadi called "The Book that Made Your World: How the Bible Created the Soul of Western Civilization."

There is a stark difference between the assumptions of Eastern Mystics and the assumptions of philosophers who have been influenced by the principles in the Bible. Christians believe humans are valuable, because we were created in God's image. And we're also capable of using logic, because God gives us the ability (and even the command) to be reasonable. That changes EVERYTHING.

Listen as we read some quotes about funny things Eastern Philosophers believe to be "enlightenment."

Listen to the sound of all that knowledge, squeaking and grinding!

Later: Is "individualism" a bad thing? We think most people probably equate "individualism" with "selfishness," but there may be a better way to think about this...

Think about it with us, unless you're trying to transcend all thought. In which case: OMMMMmmmmmmm!

Finally: Please put some clothes on, Ladies.

Contact us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Consider supporting John Branyan Comedy by joining the Comedy Clique! (Details at johnbranyan.com) Join us at the Fight, Laugh, Feast Conference October 6th-8th.

Last week, the Peaches said "If you really believe a thing, it will lead to action. And the main thing stopping people from ACTING on their beliefs is fear/uncertainty." But... Pkarlgh sent an email with a possible exception involving masks at work, so we need to unpack this a bit more.

Next: this entire winter has been full of health trials for the Comedian's family. We thought having COVID in December would be the peak. But--no. We just can't shake the sickness around here. This leads us to notice how different individuals tend to struggle with different symptoms more than others.

What's the connection between mind and body when you're suffering with both spiritual and physical symptoms? (Is it related to the different ways we're tempted to sin?)

Let's talk about people who suffer well. Do they get to the point they actually suffer LESS than people who fall into the suffering spiral? Some people suffer greatly with anxiety about being laughed at. John doesn't struggle with this.

Some people want control, and so they stop eating. Other people want control, so they eat too much. What does the Peaches think about this? She doesn't know!

Finally: Our culture is very relativistic. Most people don't know what they're doing or where they're going. Church leaders are torn because they believe they're supposed to offer some sort of direction and hope--but they don't know how.

Support John Branyan Comedy by visiting the website, johnbranyan.com and joining the Comedy Clique. You can email us at nextdoor.johnbranyan.com to be part of the show.

Welcome to the kitchen table of the Comedian Next Door, Neighbor Pkarlgh! We've taken away the video games and other screens, so the kids are playing ball in the house.

John recently realized there aren't many people in the Church today who are willing to be as bold and confident as Paul. Why is that? Are people afraid to speak the truth?... or do they even know what the truth is in the first place?

Peaches thinks most people struggle with uncertainties/doubts.

Some things aren't worth fighting about... But those aren't really "convictions."

We have been advising people to SHUT UP when they don't know what they're talking about. So, maybe that's why there are so few Pauls. Is it possible to will ourselves to know things? Can we CHOOSE to be more certain?

Hi, Neighbor! The Peaches used to believe that every, single bad thing on the planet could be attributed to "selfishness." (And she still leans that direction.) But NOW she thinks absolutely every conflict boils down to a clash between the Truth and a lie.

Lots and lots of people are really struggling to express themselves. We give two examples of comments from John's "critics." But, they're just collections of generic, angry-sounding words. To be a criticism, a thing needs to be clear and direct.

There are way too many empty words being thrown around.

Do you want some practice thinking and speaking more clearly? Try getting directions from a small child and then translating for him/her.

Speaking of small children talking in childish ways, here's Silas to say a thing we don't totally understand at first!

Three types of Liars:

Immature/Ignorant people with limited ability to express themselves.
Manipulators who INTENTIONALLY mislead with "word games."
Smooth-talkers who want a certain reaction from you.

In order to make a joke, you have to manipulate language and strategically mislead people...but then you reveal the truth with the punch line. Don't leave people in the dark on purpose! And don't say something you KNOW is only half-true, just to get the result you want. And don't do the "compliment sandwich" thing just because a Sales Guy told you to do it.

Say true things.

Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Follow John Branyan on Facebook, Gab, and YouTube. Consider supporting John's comedy by joining the Clique! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

It is NOT ok to tell confused people they are ok. I understand that it feels good to be the person speaking positive affirmations. However, it is much more important to speak truth than to say happy things.

You are encouraging a person who’s thinking about stepping into a minefield. “It’s ok to not know where to step yet,” you say with a smile. “Just start walking! You can figure it out as you go along!”

Instead of offering support, you should shut-up. You aren’t qualified to give advice when it doesn’t occur to you that the wisest thing to do is NOT WALK THROUGH A FIELD FULL OF EXPLOSIVES. The worst possible council you can give is to tell someone without a goal, “Full speed ahead!”

A much better use of your time is examining your own heart. Why do you feel compelled to speak? What is motivating you to assure lost souls that it’s okay to be lost? You’re actually causing harm.

You’re the person in the grocery store who tells the crying child, “It’s okay that you can’t find your Mommy right now,” and then walks away congratulating yourself for your compassion. If the child decides to climb into a stranger’s van, would you celebrate her decision? I mean, she has a goal now. You ought to applaud her life choices.

Before you tell someone they’re doing just fine, you should be doing just fine yourself. When you think a path through a minefield is just as good as a path away from the minefield, don’t try to lead other people.

“Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” (Matthew 15:14)

The boys/men of the family just got back from eating "Man Food." Quick--let's talk about what made John laugh this week, before we dive into the INTERESTING stuff the Peaches wants to discuss.

First of all, why are a bunch of irrelevant, old musicians picking a fight with Joe Rogan? Well--we want to announce (formally) that we're joining the boycott! Hopefully this earns us some attention, as it has done for Neil Young and Joni Mitchell.

Next, what about Apple's new emoji of the "pregnant man?" And what about Minnie Mouse getting a wardrobe change?

And isn't this podcast supposed to be FUNNY?

Whenever we give examples of women doing unwise, sinful, or embarrassing things, we use the pseudonym "Carlina" to keep their real names anonymous. Today's Carlina story involves Hugh Hefner's Playboy mansion, plus some weird voodoo nonsense. We give several examples of comments that are barely coherent... just strange, spiritual-sounding blather.

Spoilers: Carlina has a few creative edits for the Bible.

Welcome to our table, Neighbor Pkarlgh. The Peaches is particularly thankful for spreadable butter today. Also--please enjoy this story about a misbehaving toddler and the lengths a mom/aunt must go to discipline those little humans.

Are we being "petty" and "making a big deal out of nothing" when we forcibly remove the stolen deer jerky out of a child's mouth? Yes--the Bible says blessed are the peacemakers. But, how do we keep peace with rebellious sinners?

That leads John to an example involving the man named Caitlyn Jenner. Conservatives are now quoting Jenner and believing he's on THEIR SIDE, simply because he sometimes says vaguely Right-Wing sounding things. They no longer care that Jenner is using FEMALE PRONOUNS to describe men.

(* Brief Interuption while John breaks the recorder )

Bottom line: Don't be afraid to fight with a person who's wrong.

Later: Is the Peaches the only one who thought the Babylon Bee's interview with Elon Musk was super awkward and not-that-profound? Why are people fawning over how "articulate" Elon Musk is?... Let's be honest: we are influenced by his riches and fame. Nobody would be quoting him otherwise.

If you like being part of our conversations, visit johnbranyan.com and join the Comedy Clique for more exclusive content! Also tune in for John's LIVE show--The Starving Comics Quarantine Show--every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern on the John Branyan youtube channel.

Welcome back to our much-less-jolly house, Neighbor Pkarlgh. We're undecorating, and we're talking about how to deal with disappointment or discontent. (PLEASE teach your kids to recognize and manage their feelings of disappointment. PLEASE!!!)

Later: John has been upsetting the pro-Abortion crowd. But the Peaches believes Christians/Pro-Lifers are making headway in the culture war.

Finally: Why are some people soooooo dumb? It's almost as if God doesn't like them very much.

Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com with your questions or comments. Follow John on Facebook, Gab, and YouTube. (Tune in every Sunday at 7:00pm to be part of his LIVE comedy show--the Starving Comics Quarantine Show.)

Welcome to the Comedian's house, where we spent the afternoon recording new intros/outros for your listening pleasure! The four McBabies complicated the process juuuuuust a bit. Write us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to let us know what you think.

Next, we've been discussing the problem with creating brand new content every, single day and never stopping to promote or share the content with a wider audience. Most people are intimidated by a blank page and a blinking cursor. But John PREFERS to start from scratch every time he sits down at his computer. He hates having to say the same thing more than once.

Has he written/spoken millions of words? Yes. Has he written BILLIONS? Well, apparently that would be almost impossible... We spend a long time debating this.

But--the point it: we believe God gives us the ability to communicate, and we want to be good stewards of our resource. The observations, devotionals, jokes, and blog posts that John wrote ten years ago are still gifts from God that we can share today! ...even if we'd rather say something "new and fresh."

To drive the point home, the Peaches reads some of John's old jokes that he DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER WRITING.

Later: sometimes we get angry emails from people who don't know how to unsubscribe from the John Branyan website... Somehow, this discussion leads to contacting a famous friend and blaming him for a personal problem.

Finally: We give a quick update on the World's Dumbest Woman--which is actually a character we've created named "Pkarlina." (Pronounced "Carlina.") What's she up to now? Well, she divorced her husband and started dating the world's most vulgar, irresponsible man... and all her church friends are SO happy for her!

Enjoy our new outro, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Follow John Branyan on YouTube and Facebook, and we'll see you next time! (Poop.)

Welcome to the kitchen table of the Comedian Next Door. When you're here, we affectionately call you "Neighbor Pkarlgh." The Comedian's family is gearing up for a Christmas-and-New-Year's hybrid celebration, and we have a lot of preparations to make. But first, let's talk about the sin of speaking without thinking carefully first...

Have you noticed that many, many people take their ability to communicate for granted? Too often, they say things they don't actually mean because they don't THINK about the words they're using.

When the Bible warns against unwholesome talk or filthy language, we don't think it's only talking about 4-letter words. What about carelessly saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes? Or carelessly saying "Amen" in response to a worldly opinion? If you make a habit of speaking without thinking, you might end up praising the name of Lauren Daigle! (You'll just have to listen to the episode to understand that reference, Neighbor Pkarlgh.)

By the way, it's cold today. But it's not as cold as it could be...

Support John's comedy by visiting johnbranyan.com!

We're recording virtually again this week, Neighbor. We're really not that sick. Mostly, we just lost track of time. Plus, Tabby gave birth to her baby two days before Christmas, which was kind of an ordeal. (Spoilers: her husband was barred from entering the hospital by stupid COVID regulations and had to watch the birth from his phone in the parking lot.)

Is there anyone in the world of healthcare who knows what's going on? Who writes these dumb policies, and who's really in charge?

More importantly: where do we turn for comfort when things don't go according to our plans?

Today, in church, we talked about God causing suffering, which made some people uncomfortable. But, actually, when we know that God is the One in charge of every facet of our lives, it can offer great peace.

Want more from John? Check out this week's episode of the Starving Comics Quarantine Show!

Also, become a member of the Comedy Clique by visiting johnbranyan.com.

Send us your feedback by emailing Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Who wants to live in a big city??? Not us! We're very happy living in a small town next door to YOU, Neighbor Pkarlgh. We heard an analogy describing wives as gardeners and husbands as firefighters. But, we need to discuss the way this analogy is being exploited by insufferable church ladies who smell "smoke" constantly because their emotions cause them to set their own house on fire.

First, who's responsible for the high cost of living in cities like LA and NYC? The Peaches and John seem to disagree whether the politicians or the citizens are to blame. But they agree about one thing: people who want to move to big cities have a screw loose. If you want to pay $1 million for a 2-bedroom house just so you can tell everyone you're from "Weird Portland," you deserve to be bled dry by politicians... Now, please bear with us while we tell Collin to stop clapping.

Next--women are often described as naturally better with managing relationships than men are. This is why some marriage counselors like to compare them with "gardeners." On the other hand, men are more like firefighters, who only jump into action when they're confronted with an emergency. (If you can find the original source material for this analogy, PLEASE TELL US.)

Unfortunately, this analogy allows nagging wives to shout "SMOKE!" whenever they want to twist their husbands' arms. And, if he doesn't fight the fire in a manner she approves, she can file for divorce and blame him for failing in his role. Christians need to pay attention to the way the culture encourages women to be more patient with their children--but more disciplinary/authoritative with their husbands!

We're trying to cut down on the microphone clunking, Neighbor. Let us know how that's going. Also, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas at the Comedian's house! Unfortunately, we can't think of very many good words to describe it... So let's get down to business talking about whether Christians should be jerks!

Nobody actually thinks being a jerk is a good thing. But, sometimes, comedians say things they don't mean, to help make a point. The Peaches isn't convinced that John made his point very well this time. But, luckily, she was there to help prompt a better dialog in the comment section! (You can follow John Branyan on Facebook, and read the post in question for yourself.)

Next, someone on Telegram thanked us for talking about women's sins and pointing out examples of Feminism taking over the church. He said there aren't any other people (to his knowledge) that are covering this topic as solidly as we do. SO, we've got another example for your consideration today.

Do Christians tend to take a mom's side so completely that they will even call her kids "crazy" when they disagree with her story? That's pretty insulting toward the kids, isn't it?

And, what happens when you try to point out this phenomenon on social media in a thread where a bunch of women are sharing their testimonies of having their adult children turned against them by evil, abusive fathers? Well, if you stand up for the adult children, you will get a bunch of angry-reacts from the moms. This prompts the Peaches to say this: "In America in 2021, the people who are using their ANGER to control their family members are not usually the fathers. They are the moms loudly announcing when Mama Ain't Happy."

Thanks for joining us today! Reach out with your comments and your Christmas Adjectives: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Follow John Branyan on MeWe and Gab.

Hey, Neighbor! The Podcast Ninja (Luke) shot a deer. And Silas wants a quesadilla. And also we've been decorating for Christmas... After all of that chatter, we get busy talking about WHATEVER WE WANT, because we can draw connections with any two ideas if we think about it long enough! (Send us your suggestions for two seemingly-unrelated topics, and we will tell you how to connect them together. It'll be fun.)

There’s a meme that sometimes makes the rounds saying, “People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side—and then play the victim because you went there!” John says it’s never appropriate to display your “ugly side”—especially if you’re going to blame others for your behavior. That’s what prisoners with criminal mindsets do. Before we share a quote like this one, we should ask ourselves if we still agree with the sentiment when it gets spoken by someone we don't like...

Sidenote: if you can't see things from another person's perspective, you won't be able to make comedy. You need to know what people think the truth is--and you also need to know what the ACTUAL truth is--so you can reveal where the absurdities lie. It's silly to say that it's okay to be an abuser as long as someone else abused you first. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Later: we unpack a small scandal in the Pro-Life community. What should we do when someone tells a story that makes a GREAT pro-Life message, but the details can't be verified? What if the woman starts a non-profit and asks for donations and travels the country to share her testimony, but there are doubts about her story? And, most importantly: why would a person claim there's a police report to prove her claim, but she shouldn't have to share it?...

Thanks for visiting today, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Remember to write to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com with your suggestions for random topics that would be difficult to relate with each other. Want more Comedian Next Door? Check out the archives at johnbranyan.com.

Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! The ladies in our family get together once a week for "Just Because I Love You Day," and this time John is crashing the hen party. So, we're recording two podcasts at the same time. There are twice the number of children usually in the background, so please bear with their happy chatter.

On the mics: John, Peaches (Amanda), Megan, and Tabby.

First of all, John's feet smell terrible and Megan had to intervene.

Next, we read an email from a Pkarlgh who wants to know if we've ever caused bridges to be burned in our own family by being too blunt. JUST KIDDING! First John interrupts with a different email about how awesome our podcast is.

Okay, THEN we read the letter asking how we navigate those tricky/sticky subjects when we're interacting with close relationships rather than random internet trolls. Do we tone down the rhetoric at all to spare the feelings of our loved ones?

Let's talk about how to build a resilient family that agrees about the fundamentals of truth and boldness!

Hey, Neighbor! Sorry for the technical glitch in the intro. No idea what's going on there.

John just came back from St. Louis, where he was hanging out with Tim Hawkins' family. They recorded a podcast which will get published next week and involves important conversation about grapes. NO SPOILERS! You'll just have to listen when it's available.

Also: tune in Wednesday, because we've got a HOUSEGUEST in the form of the Babylon Bee's managing editor, Joel Berry.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for... Introducing PKARGHLINA! (Pronounced: Carlina) Anytime we want to share a true story of a woman doing something foolish, we call that woman "Pkarghlina." Sometimes she has babies with five different men. Sometimes she calls herself Mama Bear and wastes the time of the police. It doesn't matter what Pkarghlina's real name is. What matters is the behavior that should be avoided.

We're writing modern day morality tales over here, Neighbor! Don't be a fox...or a Pkarghlina.

Finally, we talk more about empathy vs sympathy, because Doug Wilson reacted to a cartoon on the subject. The Peaches had already seen the cartoon before, because it was assigned as part of the curriculum for becoming a Birth Doula. In a culture that encourages everyone to stop judging and keep FEELING, no wonder Pkarlghina is so confused.

Thanks for visiting our home today! If you aren't a member of the Comedy Clique already, you can sign up at johnbranyan.com. Also, email your questions/comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Hi, neighbor! If you're listening, we call you "Pkarlgh."

It's another challenging day in Homeschool Land. Shockingly, when you set out to educate your children, it's not all smiling faces and photo ops. Lots of people think they can solve this problem by throwing another trillion dollars at the public school system--to reward the "good teachers" who are trying to get 8-year-olds to stop writing more wrong answers before you've finished erasing the first one...

John thinks there are actually people in the world who WANT to educate their own kids, but the Peaches thinks the word "want" isn't quite accurate. Nobody WANTS to kill their flesh daily.

Only self-sacrificial love will motivate someone to keep marching down the Parenting Path, on really hard days like today.

Cami is making banana pancakes in the background, so please allow for a few important recipe-related interruptions.

Next, apparently some people think we need to water the deserts until they become forests...

Also, someone asks John for his credentials when it comes to "the ability to certify Truth."

Welcome to the Comedian's house, Neighbor Pkarlgh! If you don't want to spend a long time shooting the breeze about Japanese food, we apologize in advance.

John published a post about "Peacemaking" this week, and the Peaches wasn't impressed with his delivery. It was a bit rambly and unorganized. Buuuuut, there were some strong points.

Here's the private message John received: "I do have to ask, have you become a Facebook troll? Hahaha! It's funny. But you seem to donate your opinions, many of which I also agree. But they are unsolicited. As I am tempted to throw my two-cents into a Facebook thread, I am also reminded that 'blessed are the peacemakers.' Are you helping to keep the peace?"

This is a perfectly reasonable question! But, sometimes comedians aren't very nuanced when they have a point to make.

There are two issues with this private message.

1. Private messages are like dragging someone out of the town square into a dark alley, where there are no witnesses, so you can confront them.

2. The definition of "peacemaking" in the Western church is a bit messed up.

Unfortunately, too many people want to justify their cowardice by calling themselves "peacemakers." But Peacemaking isn't refusing to fight; it's fighting the RIGHT PEOPLE...

Send us an email: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com, Thanks for laughing with us, Neighbor!

Welcome to our house, Neighbor! We're not over-exaggerating when we say John and the Peaches aren't seeing completely eye-to-eye on this episode. Be prepared for a little bickering...

A listener weighs in on a recent episode. Do teachers WANT their students to be as offended as possible?

The Peaches disagrees with both John and the Neighbor who sent us this mail.

Many, many, many Tik-Tok, Instagram influencers claim they were raised by parents who didn't LOVE them enough, and it caused them to have low self-esteem. (Their parents were selfish.) So, they think the solution is to LOVE THEMSELVES in ways their parents never did. In other words: they want to become as self-focused and self-absorbed as their parents were.

Eventually, the Peaches brings up the Golden Rule, and that's where things start to go off the rails. What happens when people start reading the Bible for OTHERS instead of applying it to themselves?... Well, it doesn't work. (We agree about that.) But John thinks it's possible to take the Golden Rule too far...? Or something?... And then we have to talk about BDSM, so it gets weird.

Sorry, Neighbor.

We unnecessarily complicated this whole thing.

But, bottom line: We think there are parents and teachers out there who selfishly train up children to be THEIR PERSONAL SERVANTS; they are raising kids to be part of a world that revolves around THEM...

Finally, the Peaches whirls about whether you can respect an idea or belief that you disagree with. Why is this so hard for people to grasp?!?!?!

If you like being part of our kitchen table conversations, you can support The Comedian Next Door by joining the Comedy Clique! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

This episode is dedicated to reading comments, emails, and reviews from people who aren't very impressed with John Branyan (to say the least). Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! If you have always wanted to tell John that he's an incompetent loser who wouldn't understand humor if it fell from a tree and knocked him over, then you're going to love this!

If you'd like to send us some hate mail, you can contact us here: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Thanks for laughing with our family, Pkarlgh!

Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! We decided to record a podcast in the middle of the Facebook Outage, because we thought it might be headline news for longer than 10 minutes... John talked to his Computer Coding Genius friend who gave us some insider information on why the whole system went down for the longest blackout in the platform's history.

THEN, we give an update about the Speeding Ticket Lady from last week's episode on toxic femininity. (Spoiler: she still has dozens of people encouraging her bad behavior.)

NEXT, too many people just KEEP TALKING when they're upset, which only makes everything worse. If folks would learn to SHUT UP until their strong emotions pass, the world would be a better place. We understand that sometimes you feel like venting, Neighbor! And sometimes you make mistakes and get frustrated with yourself and others. It may seem that posting on social media make you feel better...

But it's better to JUST SHUT UP.

FINALLY, the Peaches reads one of her old blog posts (from 2010) about how you should NEVER say "shut up" to anyone. Her tirade is pretty funny in light of the title of this episode... But, at the time, it was a serious argument she had with her new husband. As much as she didn't appreciate being told to shut up, it turned out to be decent advice.

Thank you for joining us at the kitchen table! Visit johnbranyan.com to become part of the Comedy Clique and get exclusive content.

The Peaches didn't write a proper summary for this episode, Neighbor.

Here are the bare basics: our culture finds it much easier to identify and call out "toxic masculinity" than to recognize when WOMEN are being toxic. So--today we're talking about sinful female behavior (with examples from social media).

But, before all of that, we share a plan for how to handle our new Serial Scam Caller next time he rings the Comedy Business Phone with a thick Hindi accent...

Please consider supporting John Branyan by joining the Comedy Clique at johnbranyan.com

We have SO MANY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, Neighbor!

Tune in next Wednesday for our houseguest episode with David Pendleton with some BREAKING CULTURAL NEWS. There’s a scandal related to a respected Christian institution, and you probably aren’t even aware of it, yet. But that’s why you listen to the Comedian Next Door! So you can be “in the know.”

Next, John wants to get to the mail—but he has to suffer the Peaches’ sound effects first. (He was so proud of that Mouth Honk last week, and now, suddenly, it’s a burden...)

Our listener, Pkarlgh, writes to us from Canada using plenty of commas and making several observations about the sad state of our culture. She closes with a question about what to call “healthcare” when it’s being controlled by tyrannical professionals who hold political grudges. We have some suggestions, of course.

Later, John has a quote from G.K. Chesterton. But it takes awhile for him to read it because we enlist the help of the Podcast Ninja (Luke) to demonstrate a perfect British accent.

John eventually shares the quote:

“[Jesus] restrained something… I say it with reverence that there was, in this shattering personality, a thread that must be called shyness. There was something He hid from all men when he went up a mountain to pray. There was something that he covered constantly by abrupt silence or impetuous isolation. There was one thing that was too great for God to show us when He walked upon our earth. And I have sometimes fancied that it was his mirth.”

We don’t want to disagree with the famous Theologian. Buuuuut… we’re not sure why he assumes Jesus wasn’t mirthful.

And that’s just the first 15 minutes! We spend the rest of this long-winded episode mildly chastising the Focus on the Family initiative to “Take Your Bible To School.” We propose: take your school to CHURCH and stop trying to sprinkle a little bit of Jesus on top of your secular education…

We have much more to say about godless, Secular Humanist education and the public school system. Join the conversation!

And, if you want to send us your comments and questions, write to: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Welcome, Pkarlgh! The birthday party prep is in full swing, and 5-year-old Emery was given the best chore ever!

This reminds John of a new segment idea: Is This a Joke?! As the culture continues to swim in irrationality, there are a lot of things happening that would have been considered unbelievable 20 years ago... For example: Atheist chaplains and women who put their sons in dresses and then complain that they're being bullied... Is this a joke?

Related: John is very proud of the new sound he can make with his mouth. Let us know if you're as impressed as he is, by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com .

Finally, it's mail time! How can we be respectful toward our bodies as temples and have dignity as Christians made in God's image--while we're laughing at everything?

It's a good question, Pkarlgh! We should want to be mature...responsible...respectable...and to maintain a human dignity. However--we shouldn't be too preoccupied with being SEEN as very grown up. C.S. Lewis has a great quote about our quest to appear mature.

John messes up the name of one of the hosts on the Patriarchy Podcast. (Shout out to Tony and Joseph--our network brothers on Fight, Laugh, Feast!) Then we spend waaaaaay too long trying to think of a synonym for "frivolous."

Don't forget: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. --Roald Dahl

The most dignified parts of this podcast have--by far--been the most boring.

And what does Cami's experience on a roller coaster have to do with struggling to be dignified?

Finally, we wrap up with a quick Whirl from the Peaches. Christians have historically been very Libertarian-leaning. (Small government, free markets, etc.) But we don't live in a moral society anymore. We can't value "free choice" at all costs--when our neighbors are "choosing" to kill babies. And we can't value free enterprise at all costs, when pagan corporations are censoring Christian thought...

Please consider joining the John Branyan Comedy Clique by visiting Johnbranyan.com. We can't do what we do without you, Neighbor!

Hi, Neighbor! When you're hanging out at the Comedian's house, we affectionately call you "Pkarlgh." So welcome, Pkarlgh.

We're just getting back from the Fight Laugh Feast Conference, literally minutes before recording, and John is sporting some stylish new Ear Gear. How comfortable are his new headphones?... Well... the Peaches gives the best description she can muster.

Hard consonants are funny, Pkarlgh. That's your free advice from the professional today.

And speaking of funny words, please wish Collin "good well" on his 8th birthday. Feel free to ask if you can share some of his lollipop or soda. We'll know whether you listened to this episode if you use the special phrase!

After we talk about "duck" and "suck," we discover there is another relevant word, used by an angry Feminist when addressing unvaccinated individuals. The Podcast Ninja (Luke) shared his favorite take-away from the Conference: tyranny happens incrementally, through hundreds of tiny compromises. Long story very short, THAT'S why we find our culture suddenly being bullied into compliance by Mama Bears who are PROUD to use emotional manipulation on Facebook.

Whoops, pause for a second, Pkarlgh! The Peaches needs to update the outro, now that the FLF Conference is over. Now what do you think of the new one? (We especially hope you enjoy the contribution from 3-year-old Silas.)

Please send any comments or questions to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. Follow the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday night at 7:00pm Eastern. (Comments left during the LIVE stream can be featured in the show!)

If you're not a Club Member in the Fight Laugh Feast Network already, what's wrong with you?! Sign up at flfnetwork.com, and you can get caught up on the talks that were given at the conference this weekend!

See you next time, Neighbor. And bring friends.

We don't know what we're talking about today, Neighbor Pkarlghl! But that never stops us from filling 45 minutes with meandering conversation...

Emmi (5-years-old) treats us to a very quiet recitation of "The Elephant." Then we get ready to open the mailbag.

This week, someone mistook John's youngest daughter, Tabby, for his wife. (Awkward.) And someone else named their computer "Pkarlgh" in honor of this podcast. (Awesome!)

Then the Peaches is asked for an update about the vaccine mandate being imposed on her husband, who's a registered nurse. Luke was granted a religious exemption, and the Peaches shares the details about the scathing letter they wrote to the hospital.

Healthcare is a mess right now! Good employees are being fired (or walking out), and the leadership teams are panicking. Facebook groups of angry healthcare workers are being blown off the internet. What a time to be alive!

Then John asks, "Does it ever work to nag and threaten and be aggressive to people?" And the answer is...unfortunately, yes. This leads to a conversation about Christians being bullied into deleting things off the internet.

Later, Rick Warren said the best way to love your neighbor in this era is to wear a mask. John has some thoughts about that. And the Peaches thinks people on both sides of the debate are actually afraid they might be wrong...

Thank you to the Fight Laugh Feast Network for hosting us--and thank you to Subsplash for sponsoring the app.

If you can't get enough of the Comedian, you can follow John Branyan on YouTube and Gab. Or, visit johnbranyan.com to become a member of the Comedy Clique and enjoy exclusive content.

See you next time!

Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! (That's you, Listener.) Give us a moment to fix our mics and grab a glass of water.

John wrote something about an Atheist Chaplain at Harvard, and it was shared on Facebook more than 130 times... We confess to being a little surprised by how surprised Christians seem. This is not our first time encountering "Atheist Spiritual Guides," but apparently it's a new concept for many of our brothers and sisters. (If you'd like to see the Atheist Eulogy John wrote in 2016 to honor a godless chaplain, you can click here: https://johnbranyan.com/flexing-my-hopeless-muscles/ )

For several decades, Christians have been more interested in having a nice "dialogue" with non-believers than they are interested in actually CONVERTING them to Christianity. As a result, Christians are platforming godlessness and thinking that's what Christ wants!

A fool's response to the news of an Atheist chaplain: "I actually think it’s an important move. [The Chaplain] oversees all faiths, including Humanism. Many young people, turned off by the political weaponization of Christianity, are avoiding organized religion. However, they are still seekers and will eventually seek comfort somewhere. Who knows? Creating an open-minded space for discussion may provide just the right environment to invite students back to organized religion."

Eventually, John reads some mail from you, Pkarlgh. You made us laugh this week! There's a T-Shirt that John wishes he owned. Then the Peaches shares a brief story about a deli employee who can't spell.

Are masks and vaccines worth dying over? And, more importantly, is a vaccine too much to ask in exchange for seeing ADAM LEVINE?!... All this and more, Pkarlgh. All this and more.

Send your questions and comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com.

Bye, Neighbor!

We are laaaaaate, Neighbor Pkarlgh! It has been a busy weekend at Vacay with Comics. (And, also, our microphones weren't turned up...but that may have been a smaller percentage of the problem.) Vacay was a success, despite Luke and Joe trying to ruin our reputation with alcohol.

Completely unplanned, both John and The Peaches are talking about Parents With Problems. First, a father of two kids is "NOT OKAY" (his words, not ours), because the pandemic is cramping his style. It turns out, he can't really decide whether he wants his kids to go back to public school or he wants to keep them home, safe, where they are driving him crazy.

Then, John reads a post from a mother of a newborn who is also NOT OKAY. (Our words, not hers.) She is afraid the new baby will get sick, so she won't let anyone hold him...including the big brothers and sisters.

The Peaches reads a post she wrote on this subject long before the COVID circus. Excerpt:

"PLEASE, please don't believe the lie that you can prevent tragedies if you refuse to let your babies be kissed or snuggled. Please don't demand that everyone within 20 miles get flu shots, or they will be eaten by Mama Bear. Please don't threaten to rip apart families over a pacifier that didn't get sterilized. And please--please--don't isolate yourself from family and friends out of fear that they'll contaminate your baby. Because...

THIS DOESN'T PREVENT TRAGEDY--It'S ACTUALLY A SICKNESS OF ITS OWN."

We would love to hear from you, Pkarlgh! Email us as nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to weigh in.

Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Our houseguests are physically in the house with us, for once. Normally, when Juan and Melodee are in town, we selfishly keep them all to ourselves, and we talk and play games without recording anything.

But, today, we're sharing a portion of our conversation, in which we discuss speaking TRUTH without lacking LOVE. (This is one of Juan's favorite topics.)

"I've given a lot of thought to this Truth and Love debate that we're all having... One of my favorite authors is CS Lewis, and he says the enemy always introduces errors into the world in pairs of opposites..." -Juan DeVevo

Can we think of examples of speaking Truth without love?

And what do Harriet the Spy and Rosie O'Donnell have to do with this?

Plus: the Peaches tells the DeVevos about a "gender non-binary" Kindergarden teacher who is brainwashing 5-year-olds in a nearby town. While Christians have been agonizing over whether they're loving enough, the culture has been taken over by crazies who have no problem telling your children there's such thing as "neither boy nor girl."

You can see Juan and Melodee on the Casting Crowns Drive-In Tour. Details at castingcrowns.com.

Also, become part of John Branyan's Comedy Clique by visiting johnbranyan.com and clicking around until you find a problem with the website and get frustrated and email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Welcome to the kitchen table of The Comedian Next Door! John is sporting some stylish new tech equipment that you'll just have to imagine. We have three, separate pieces of mail to read--the most important of which declares THE PEACHES WAS RIGHT about something. But, also, John's comedy could cure generations of insomnia, according to a certain critic. If you think you can do a better job insulting John than this troll, then send your attempts to Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. John is sporting some stylish new tech equipment that you'll just have to imagine. We have three, separate pieces of mail to read--the most important of which declares THE PEACHES WAS RIGHT about something. But, also, John's comedy could cure generations of insomnia, according to a certain critic. If you think you can do a better job insulting John than this troll, then send your attempts to Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. (Keep in mind, the Peaches prefers the "Kill Them With Kindness" approach.) The harder you swing, the more pathetic your attempts to hurt another person are... The Peaches invites you to agree with her!

Don't miss our Houseguest episode releasing this Wednesday! We'll have Juan and Melodee DeVevo, of Casting Crowns, to discuss education, culture, and the Kindergarten teacher who identifies as NEITHER "Miss nor Mister."

Finally, John reads an article from a non-christian comedian who has noticed the way Cancel Culture is affecting the comedy world. When the author was attacked by the LGBT mob, he received private messages of support, saying he did nothing wrong. But--publicly--nobody defended him.

"There are lessons here that go well beyond comedy. While the vast majority of my readers, even the Canadian ones, have never heard of [this Trans Comedian], or the rest of her clique, the examples show...tiny groups of enforcers can poison an entire artistic subculture, despite these enforcers' lack of any real commercial success..." (Full article here: https://quillette.com/2021/08/01/life-as-a-stand-up-comic-can-be-brutal-safe-space-call-out-culture-is-making-it-unbearable/)

In other words, a person who's not even a FUNNY COMEDIAN can somehow influence the entire culture.

Never, ever ask a woman or couple if they're planning to have children... Never, ever, ever, ever ask certain questions. The Enforcers have spoken!

Being afraid to speak what's on your mind will affect the entire Comedy Industry and the rest of society.

Join John Branyan's Comedy Clique by visiting johnbranyan.com and becoming a member.

Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! As you probably don't know, John has a Dry Bar special which periodically goes viral on social media and doesn't impact his career in the least. Be careful if you think you want tons of followers on social media! Internet popularity will NOT lead to fulfilment.

This leads to a possible opportunity for the Peaches to be in a Whirl about something. (But we're not sure.) (And also, John sounds like his nose is stuffed up.) Finally, John reads a social media post from a woman who doesn't think her child's father needs to be praised for "simple" things like changing diapers and washing bottles.

What causes some people to focus obsessively on how much or how little encouragment is being given to them BY STRANGERS? We spend the majority of the conversation discussing the reasons you shouldn't tear others down to make yourself feel better, nor should you fool yourself into imagining that others are happier because their effort is being recognized more than your own.

Finally--does anyone know whether lobsters ACTUALLY step on each others back to get out of buckets? Email us at nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to solve this mystery.

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday evening at 7:00pm Eastern. Become a Comedy Clique member for exclusive content. (Details at johnbranyan.com) And, finally, have your pets spayed and neutered.

Support the Fight Laugh Feast network by becoming a Club Member. Special thank you to Subsplash, for the app!

The Peaches is pretty distracted, as it's almost lunchtime and the whole family is gathering after church.

John reads some mail from a Neighbor who regrets learning how comedy is made... Sometimes accepting the truth requires a full grief cycle.

Next, John shares a quote from a preacher asking for help engaging the young families who have started coming to his church. (Specifically, the preacher wants "doctrinally sound" videos and other resources to share with the newcomers.) Why is John being so hyper-critical this week?! John's point: church leaders already should have doctrinally sound resources in their possession--whether they have new families visiting or not. Amanda's point: many church leaders have been told it's right and proper to defer to "the experts" when it comes to dispensing resources.

We live in a culture that values outsourced knowledge more than homemade tools. For whatever reason, we think it lends a certain credibility when we can share a well-produced video made by SOMEONE ELSE, rather than creating something of our own.

Pause. John needs to go get a drink before he chokes to death.

Okay, now he wants the Peaches to tell the story of the tomato in the toaster. But first, we need to pause again to retrieve the pizza.

When we finally resume recording again, it has been a couple of hours. (We can't keep secrets from you, Pkarlgh!) But we eventually get around to discussing the tomato in the toaster. Collin, who's seven-years-old, is starting to show signs of maturity, and we are optimistic he's going to be a free-thinking adult some day!

This reminds us of great advice from Pastor Doug Wilson: give your kids FEWER rules. Make the principles broad, and trust the children to be smart enough to reason for themselves.

And that's pretty much a wrap, Pkarlgh!

My method of handling COVID may be breaking the 1st Commandment.

Today, we're talking all things "education" with Jesse Sumpter! Parents have a responsibility to educate their children--but too many of us are abdicating our roles to the nearest government school building and hoping a Christian disciple emerges in 12 years.

We are so excited to pick Jesse's brain about how to inspire fellow Christians to band together and build a school that impacts the Kingdom.

Quotes from this episode:

"We want freedom to educate our children how we want to, as Christians, and we want to do that in obedience to God's word."

"The first foundation of all good teaching is to tell the truth...and that is fundamentally at odds with the government school system."

"To convince people of a new thing, you can give them literature and give them books--you can have thoughtful conversations with them--but the other way of getting through to people is just saying, 'Come and see.' We're humans. We're embodied people, we have to see it sometimes for ourselves..."

PLUS, a story about a flat tire AND why Jesse is worried (and also not worried) about artificial intelligence.

Jesse is teaching a virtual class called "Education is Warfare: How to Start a School" on the Fight Laugh Feast network. Visit flfnetwork.com for more details.

Follow John Branyan on Gab, MeWe, and Facebook. Also, check out his YouTube channel!

Let's talk about one of the dumbest things anyone has ever said.

If you're going to ordain people into ministry who aren't in the Kingdom of God, then why not ordain some thieves?

It's almost impossible to stay relevant to a culture with no attention span.

When the goal is to keep existing no matter what, it makes sense to put yourself into a coma.

Let me guess why you stopped attending church...

Tabby is at the table today. She's John's OTHER daughter (and the Peaches' sister). Good luck figuring out which voice belongs to which sister. We kick off the conversation with an email letting John know there was a sliiiiiiight problem with his 3-minute devotionals this week. (Oops.) Then--the Peaches shares an excerpt from a self-help book about how nothing is okay and everything sucks.

Somehow, this leads nicely into an audio clip featuring Robin DiAngelo, who explains that you can joke about white people...but you can't joke about people of color, because they're "different." Peaches gets John's reaction to that opinion.

All of this is punctuated by Kid Noises and general familial interruptions.

What does it mean when comedians talk about "punching up" or "punching down"...and why does John want to attach extra prepositions to the end of those terms?

How have so many Jewish people mastered the art of comedy? Why can't worship leaders laugh at themselves? What are some good insults to use on Tabby? All of this and more!

Follow John Branyan on Gab, MeWe, and Facebook. Also: check out his YouTube channel and tune in for the Starving Comics Quarantine Show, every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

I am an expert at throwing in the towel.

Following legal guidelines won't save your soul.

The people who hide in the attic when chased by an ax murderer are almost always Climate Change Advocates.

Villains need both ambition and bravery. Abortion advocates are lousy villains.

Loving your neighbor is much harder than strapping a piece of cloth on your face.

John reads some mail at the beginning of this episode. (Send your questions and comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com) One listener calls us out for our use of the word "rhetoric" as if it's always bad, even though rhetoric CAN be used for good purposes. That's a fair complaint, Neighbor! You should always feel free to push back when we don't treat a topic fairly...

Then we jump into the Peaches In a Whirl segment because the Peaches truly is in a whirl this week! She even admits it! There are so many examples of people doing and saying dumb things this week that we don't have time to cover them all. People just want to be told pretty lies, and they decide what to believe based on who compliments them. Why are so many people openly admitting they don't care what you think...they only care how you make them feel?

An astounding number of people (who would call themselves Christians) actually have a fundamentally different religion than we do. All the talk about support and encouragement and compassion and love is coming from a worldview that is the OPPOSITE of Christ-centeredness.

Would the Christians you know even recognize the problem with a non-believer saying, "You have restored my faith in humanity!" Or would they accept that as a nice compliment and assume they are doing a good job spreading the Gospel?

Your epistemology matters, Pkarlgh! Don't be dumb!

Follow John Branyan on MeWe, Gab, and Facebook...until he gets removed from there.

This day has been brought to you by...

Humanists think they can be good without God. They're wrong.

Lot's of people think they know what Jesus would do. I'm not sure.

We have a Houseguest at the table today: Nathan Hunter! He is an avid reader, a fair-minded conversationalist, and a student of the history of Critical Race Theory. (He's always worried he hasn't studied enough, yet, to bill himself an expert.) All of this makes him smarter than approximately 99% of the people he meets on the internet. If he wants to engage with simpletons on social media, he's going to need to dumb things down A LOT!

Nathan explains he wants to help people think on a deeper level--but he's just not great at shaming and attacking people. That's where we can help!

The Peaches invites Nathan to share his background/credentials. But he's not sure he has researched enough, yet. He wants to jump into the conversation and argue IDEAS--but he's waaaaaay too thoughtful to play the role of the Troll.

Welcome to the Comedian's house!

Follow John Branyan on Gab, MeWe, and Facebook (until he gets kicked off). You can watch John LIVE on the Starving Comics Quarantine Show, every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern on his YouTube channel.

Modern religion isn't about expressing truth. It's about expressing self.

This used to be a joke.

Not all religions are equally good.

Common sense safety doesn't ALWAYS work in all circumstances.

You can't be shortchanged when you aren't owed anything.

Politicization of everything is what happens when you make religion off-limits.

Modern religion is like invisible wallpaper.

Fairness has never existed. That's something you should be grateful for.

Divisions are created by God. Don't let anyone blame you for divisiveness.

Wicked people lie. Silence is NOT violence.

You can't do anything without God's help so please stop saying, "I am enough."

Yes. Being a Christian makes me better than everyone who isn't.

Let's hope the rational people get to take over pretty soon.

Your life isn't the best example of God's love.

Your solution to problems is what you worship.

There is only one truth and it doesn't belong to you.

You won't make progress when you're going the the wrong way.

You're not going to cull your friends list by saying stuff everyone agrees with.

Godless tyrants want you to know that it's YOUR fault when they put you in jail.

We kill children for better reasons than our ancestors.

For twenty-five cents will you part with your character?

Undead Love Zombies roam the church. Take care they don't eat you!

Hey, Neighbor Pkarlgh! We're kicking off with John's favorite kind of mail: the kind which says he's under-rated! (Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com to send us your glowing reviews.)

On today's "Good Grief" segment, the Peaches shares a sad/funny story about her Grandma with Alzheimer's. Laughter and pain are inextricably connected! Can we hold both of those feelings at the same time?

Next--the Peaches is in a whirl about a village in Africa which is supposedly functioning as a "Matriarchal Society." Western women want to smash the Patriarchy.... but would that really look any different than what we currently have in the United States? If Hilary Clinton wants to hand out made-up awards to women who are getting pregnant and intentionally raising their children without fathers, she could start a little closer to home!

Finally, we talk about sandwiches and frozen lasagnas and recapping some of the Facebook drama John dredged up during Pride month. (Sometimes people are Internet Trolls by accident, and we give you a handy trick to figure out whether you're dealing with a Troll or with a person who genuinely wants a conversation.)

If you don't want the answer to the question, Pkarlgh, don't ask it...

Follow The Comedian Next Door on Gab and MeWe. Visit johnbranyan.com and JOIN THE COMEDY CLIQUE to be part of our telegram group and interrupt our podcast recordings with funny pictures of food that looks like a creature from Alien.

Also: register for the Fight Laugh Feast conference on flfnetwork.com. See you there!

If you really want to upset people, tell them the truth.

Amazing how often people refuse to answer this question.

Christians should stop treating pagans like they're brothers and sisters in Christ.

Fear of The Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

It's hard to follow God when you want to BE God.

We tackle three distinct questions in this episode: What's funny about pastors getting arrested? Can you be bald and have sin in your heart? And...what have you MADE to make the planet better? (Don't say "my kids," Pkarlgh! Apparently that's the wrong answer.)

First up, we teach you how to spell your own name, Pkarlgh, in case we haven't explained that already...

Next, John explains that laughing DURING a tragedy isn't the same as laughing AT the tragedy. And then he gives his favorite joke premises for mocking the governments responsible for arresting pastors...

Finally, we spend the vast majority of our time unpacking the most self-centered and dehumanizing comments from a Feminist about somebody's child that you've heard in awhile. (And if you have screenshots of something MORE outrageous and offensive than this, please share them with us!)

Don't forget to send emails to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com, to be part of the show. Feel free to write letting The Peaches know how much her new sound effects complete the show.

Join us at the Fight Laugh Feast CONFERENCE (not rally) in September. We look forward to meeting you there!

When you can get everything from Target that you're getting from church, might as well quit going to church.

My best childhood memories are linked to my biggest fears.

When the villains tell you're they're coming for your kids, go ahead and believe them.

Critical Race Theory is a false religion. If you're a Christian, you must reject it.

John's car broke down, but at least he was able to drive 3/4 of a mile first! Our friend, Nathan, made a great comment about people using rhetoric to say what they DON'T REALLY MEAN, and the Peaches decided to make it the theme of this episode.

John's sister ("Aunt Bonnie") once found an injured bird in a parking lot, and it became a favorite family story about crazy emotions.

Can you EVER trust your emotions? We don't answer that...

...but you can't be mad when people laugh at your extremism. This reminds the Peaches of a comment about gluttony and obesity that is so outrageous she has to read it verbatim.

Later, John embraces the chaos and goes off script by trying to read a comment that is almost completely unintelligble. The Peaches asks for a translation. Apparently, one of John's former classmates passed away and another classmate was really broken up about it...so he took the opportunity to verbally abuse everyone else in the graduating class.

Also, the next generation thinks you are going to look at their bracelets in order to figure out what pronouns to use for them.

All of this is related to rhetoric and emotionalism and prioritizing style/tone over objective truth.

Follow the Comedian Next Door on Gab and MeWe. He also posts on Facebook sometimes.

Watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show every Sunday at 7:00 Eastern, on the John Branyan YouTube Channel.

We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference in Tenessee this September!

Everyone is biased. The question is whether or not you're biased with the truth.

When you find someone who won't tell you what they believe, you've found a fraud.

Throwing away one idol for another idol is not cause to celebrate.

When you yelp, you're the one that got hit.

The phrase, "Nobody comes to the Father except by me," is only valid when Jesus says it.

Why does Amanda ("Peaches") have a reputation for being The Salty One, when sis-in-law, Marla, says offensive things, too? (John has an answer the Peaches doesn't like.) Then we go to the Mail Bag... Our neighbor doesn't know any Christians who are able to laugh at themselves! NONE! How can we move beyond the "safe" topics like slipping on banana peels and learn to laugh at ourselves.

Sign up for John's comedy workshop at Fight Laugh Feast University! It's called "Life is Hardy Har-Hard."

The Peaches writes these descriptions. Aren't they interesting?

Watch the Butter Video. It's hysterical.

Later, we explore the role of the Straight Man. Groaning and eye-rolling is a legitimate part of the Comedy Team, Neighbor! And then the Peaches is in a Whirl about the manipulationg behind phrases like "I'm not going to debate" or "I'm not trying to change your mind." DON'T FALL FOR IT, NEIGHBOR! THEY ARE LYING POLITELY, and they definitely ARE trying to change your mind!

Bottom line: we want to be friends with people who laugh. Let's learn how to do that more often!

The Comedian Next Door and the Peaches will be at the FLF Conference in Tenessee this September. Register your family, and we'll see you there!

The best people in history have always been extremists.

When you cancel other people's stuff, you can't get mad when they cancel your stuff.

Affirming people may make people feel good, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should do it.

When you cobble theology together from song lyrics, you don't end up with Christianity.

Christians gotta stop preaching the Beatles gospel.

John just came back from a SURPRISE show... which isn't really as great as it may sound. This reminds Amanda ("Peaches") about the special event happening in the children's department at the local library, in honor of Pride Month. Which, actually, ALSO is less great than it was meant to sound. Then, we hit the mail bag, because one of our Neighbors wants to push back on the idea that it's okay to mock people's bad ideas. How do we avoid being one of the "scoffers" from Psalm 1? This also leads nicely into the Peaches' rant today: women often say they want a partner who makes them laugh and is their best friend. They want a Dax Shephard to share funny stories; but they're not Kristin Bell! (That makes more sense when you've heard the Sloth Story.) Finally: what should you do when a kind stranger washes your windshield? And how big is pickle-sized hail? All this and more on today's episode!

You can join John's Comedy Clique and get special member content. Visit johnbranyan.com for more info.

Also, ask about a promo code to attend VACAY WITH COMICS. Email nextdoor@johnbranyan.com with all questions, comments, and good-natured mockery.

Follow John on Gab, MeWe, and YouTube.

See you next time, Neighbor!

It's not as hard to spot abusive people as you might think.

Critical Race Theory is a snake making you doubt your own eyes and ears.

When "love the sinner hate the sin" falls apart...

The purpose of Christianity is NOT to make Christians popular.

Friends don't let friends harm themselves.

Welcome to the kitchen table of the Comedian Next Door--a cozy household where there's laundry being washed in the background, and we didn't realize our mics were picking it up for the first ten minutes! (As always, we're very high tech around here.) We're going on a picnic, and you can't come unless you figure out the rule and bring along the right item! This is a game we play with 10-year-old Cami and 7-year-old Collin. And here's a new segment: MAIL BAG! Send us your suggestions for appropriate sound effects. Because, again, we're very high tech around here. Our listener, Pkarlgha, wants to know whether pastors should be using their pulpits to push vaccines as the "Christian thing to do." Are we alienating people from the Gospel if we are hesistant to get a vaccine? Also: IU Health is trying to make COVID vaccines mandatory for ALL employees, students, and vendors.

We mention Patrick Mahoney's ministry completely by mistake in this episode. (Turns out he isn't the quarterback for the Greenbay Packers.) But maybe God brought him to mind for a reason! Here's a link if you'd like to support Colegio Biblico: colegiobiblico.net They provide Christian education to pastors and missionaries serving Spanish-speaking countries.

Follow The Comedian Next Door on Gab,

Watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern on the John Branyan Youtube channel.

Visit johnbranyan.com and join the Comedy Clique!

The church is not handling The Poor properly but not for the reasons you think.

If you don't judge. You don't love.

There is no rational explanation for evil.

Thoughtful dialogue takes a lot of time. I'll help you be more efficient by eliminating the thoughtfulness of your comments.

You can't really "Live and let live." Might as well stop saying it.

We get to play the Cliche Game with 5-year-old Emmi and laugh heartily at her responses. (If you have a Kindergartener in your life, Neighbor, then ask him/her to fill in the blank with popular sayings, and send us the results.) Next--we need to accept criticism when it's true, even when it comes from really awful people... And, speaking of awful people, we bring up the unwashed miscreants on Gab. Some gross stuff comes out of people's hearts when you let them talk freely. But don't give into the temptation to be a victim, Neighbor! We will damage our children if we pity them for the injustice they'll inevitably encounter. Bonus stories: John was treated unfairly as a kid!...but his mom taught him that's how life goes sometimes.

Finally, John proposes we should LET PEOPLE APOLOGIZE to the Woke mob for things they "did wrong," when their consciences demand it. If someone wants to confess the they're horrible sinners for voicing an Indian on the Simpson's, then so be it.

Does anybody read the subscribe information at the bottom of the page?

You can take a Vacay with Comics, August 19-22nd. Details at johnbranyan.com.

Still reading?...

Follow John Branyan on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show, every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

Did I lose you yet?...

Follow John on Gab, if you don't believe it's a Hell hole of unbridled sinfulness. See for yourself!

And now, the last line: Support the Fight, Laugh, Feast Network and help us keep producing great content. We couldn't do it without you!

Stop telling me you're not perfect. Here's why:

When you find a lost child, tell them to follow their heart!

Don't judge a biker brawl until you've been in a brawl yourself!

Pastors shouldn't blog when they're terrible bloggers.

When "loving people" requires deception, it's time to stop loving people.

We're recording on a Sunday, and the Comedian's house is FULL of family. (Listen to the chatter in the background...) Amanda, aka The Peaches, has been wrangling approximately 4,127 children this week. So she's a little impatient with John's slow reading of emails. A listener wants to know where to find The Peaches' blog posts, and--whoops--we never actually answer that question. (Neighbor, check out culturesatwar.wordpress.com)

It turns out, we made a strong case for "the Indissolubility of marriage" without knowing that term. Also, a different listener calls us out on a blindspot involving female church leaders, and now we're collecting the basal temperatures of our listeners...for science! In the Good Grief segment, we talk about how to manage when an Atheist is angry at you. This leads nicely into the Peaches in a Whirl segment. She shares how David Wood manages when Muslims are angry at him. Don't tell other Christians they're doing ministry wrong, if you're not doing it better! Finally, is it EVER okay to add an adjective before the word "Christian?" John is ready to die on this hill, and you're invited to join him.

Contact John and Peaches by emailing nextdoor@johnbranyan.com (Send us your body temperature for science!)

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube; watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm EST.

Join us for Vacay with Comics this August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

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What is this gay pride all about?

Jason was here and I'm not sure what to do with that information.

I know Jason was here. But what does it "mean?"

Since feminists are the ONLY people who care about women, I guess I gotta be a feminist.

I've got several techniques for killing compliments. Let me share them with you!

The reason God doesn't let us muck around with the rules of gravity is because we totally would.

Mark and Deanna Gungor are in the house today...on our computer screen. Doorbells are ringing, kids are laughing in the background, and we're talking about how Mark upset some people on social media. Topics include: Separating from abusive spouses, the problems with marriage counseling, asking questions, and "Women be crazy." (But don't say that last part on Facebook!)

"I promise you guys, this Sunday there will be churches all across America where Johnny and Suzie are getting a divorce, and everyone will be shocked." --Mark Gungor

You can find Mark and Deanna on Facebook and markgungor.com.

Email your questions/comments for John and Peaches to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube; watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm EST.

Join us for Vacay with Comics this August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

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The bible would read differently if Mary had been a feminist.

I'm not taking those stupid online quizzes no matter how many times you ask.

Stop worrying about people getting killed in movies. It's just make believe.

You need to quit hating werewolves immediately.

I'll totally admit that I've never thought about anyone who can't do this in the convenience store.

We start the episode playing a game with 10-year-old Cami and 7-year-old Collin you can try with your family in the car or waiting areas...

Then John/Dad/Grandpa reads a study that concludes women are "healthier" in churches with female leaders. He has some advice for people who want to laugh about that. Later, the Peaches brings up "Husbands are the heads, but wives are the necks." She shares the name of a preacher who agrees with the Bible that Jesus is the Gate...but he says Christians are the hinges who can prevent people from entering if we're not open enough. (LOL!)

Finally, we're not done talking about whether Sunday is the first day of the week! And the army gathering to die on that hill is getting larger.

Leave us a comment: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

What's it like to go on vacation with a bunch of comedians? Join us for Vacay with Comics! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

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There is a good chance you'll die unless the government outlaws magnets.

Used to be that the title told you something about a written article.

Awkward Caucasian is a great name for interior paint.

If you're wondering whether or not we've lost our minds...

You don't need to teach kids to love themselves. They are masters of self love when they're born.

From time to time, we have house guests come to visit! When that happens, we throw all structure and professionalism out the window and simply go with the flow. In today's special episode, we share the table with author and editor at Staseos, CARMEN SCHOBER. Topics include Christian fiction, getting cancelled, and gender roles. PLUS: whether it's appropriate for women to beat the crap out of each other. "Some people may be hesitant to read my book because they think I'm casting women in this G.I. Jane type of role. But one of my favorite things about the romance genre is that it highlights the differences between the sexes. And, in 2021, you need that!"

Carmen's book, After She Falls, is available for preorder on Amazon, and you can find her at carmenschober.com.

Email your questions/comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube; watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm EST.

Join us for Vacay with Comics this August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

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It's time for virgins to pick a color other than white for their wedding dress. I have a suggestion...

If you don't tell me when my zipper is down, we'll never be close friends.

Some of the things that matter A LOT to people aren't things I think about...ever.

When you find 60,000 coins in the same place, they probably didn't fall randomly from somebody's pocket...

Never ask this because I might answer the question.

After a long day of birthday festivities, everyone is pretty distractable. John and Peaches are joined by the newly 10-year-old Cami, as well as the Podcast Ninja: Luke. How does our family handle bad moods and perceived injustices? (What are some weird things Tabby and Peaches have gotten mad about?) QUICK! Say the first word that pops into your head--no hesitation! Peaches is feeling sentimental and wants to thank all the But-People out there. (That's spelled with one 'T'.) Finally, a listener proposes we go to war against Mickey Mouse's calendar.

If you enjoy hanging out and playing silly games with our family, join us in August for Vacay with Comics. Details at johnbranyan.com.

Email your questions/comments for John and Peaches to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube; watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm EST.

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Here are 8 things you should give up if you want to stop shoving people away from Jesus. (It's satire...)

If you only oppose hatred sometimes, then you don't really oppose hatred.

Hatred isn't something that should be thrown around recklessly.

If you think God needs you to save the world--relax.

I'm not a fan of honesty because it requires me to be honest.

John and the Peaches have a lot to disagree about--including music theory and what it tastes like when you combine wheat thins with green grapes. Then, John reads an email from a listener/neighbor asking for his take on Christian Hedonism. (Is it a sin to enjoy things?) Meanwhile, the Peaches nearly ruptures her ear drums trying to fix her headphones. Next, a female neighbor wants to challenge the recommendation that everyone should "say true things," because it could lead to nagging and bitterness... Finally, John's Hill to Die On includes the charge to destigmatize stigma. What does that even mean, and will you join him?

Email your questions/comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

Join us for Vacay with Comics this August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

Become a Fight Laugh Feast club member for exclusive content.

Should you worry about a shortage of clowns? I'll tell you...

Here's a handy checklist to determine whether or not you're a guy.

If you don't believe in God, then otters could explain ice cream.

We want bloodshed!! Not truth!!

It is incorrect to describe opposition to sin as a "phobia."

John tries to talk about Brood X and the Peaches pretends to be interested. Some listeners actually took us up on the offer to write their "honest wedding vows," so we share the resulting masterpieces! Then--the Good Grief segment features a story about stillbirth/child-loss. Is the world ready for parents who include laughter as part of the mourning process? Next--the Peaches pleads with humanity to get in the habit of saying true things (for crying out loud). And finally, John invites you to die with him on yet another hill. Are we too quick to label our opinions as "biblical truth?"

Email your questions/comments to nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

Join us for Vacay with Comics this August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

Thank you to Subsplash for their partnership!

Godless people don't seem to know anything about themselves.

There are a lot of negatives to becoming a Christian.

Morality doesn't change because God doesn't change.

Eventually, you're going to meet somebody who doesn't like you.

It makes no sense for the church to forbid conversations on any subject.

Good Grief! We help a listener find humor in chronic pain that resulted from military service. The Peaches shares about the first time one of her blog posts caused social media outrage. Related: weddings would be much more interesting if the vows were written for honesty rather than poetry. Finally, John criticizes Tim Keller, but The Peaches isn't convinced he picked a good "hill" this time. Let us know if you agree!

Email questions/comments for the Comedian Next Door to: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

Join us for Vacay with Comics in August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

Despite what you've been told, God isn't looking for a relationship with you. He already has that.

The difference between guilt and shame is not worth arguing about.

Nothing will ever make sense to you until you admit God exists.

There is only one proper response when someone tells you Jesus was a socialist.

Don't put too much emphasis on how you worship God.

The Peaches is having one of "those" homeschool days. Emmi (5-years-old) requires some discipline right off the bat. A listener asks John whether he can trust his sense of humor considering humans are sinful creatures. And we unpack the reasons we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. This results in possibly the best analogy about our relationship with God that we've ever stumbled upon!

Email questions/comments for the Comedian Next Door to: nextdoor@johnbranyan.com

Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday at 7:00pm Eastern.

Join us for Vacay with Comics in August! (Details at johnbranyan.com)

My reason for not inviting people to church might scandalize you but I'm sticking with it anyway.

Baby Christians are wonderful members of God's family that shouldn't be teaching grown-ups.

It's not good to misdiagnose the source of your problems.

People who don't believe in God yet think marriage is sacred deserve a giant LOL!

Stop following people away from Jesus.

You are not beloved because you're lovable.

If you don't judge me, you don't love me.

If your ears are itching this is the place for you!

Three helpful tips to infuse your church with toxic masculinity.

If people who hate church like you, you're not a church.

We've officially joined the Fight Laugh Feast Network and you're coming with us, Pkarlgh. Change happens whether you like it or not and fighting it is a waste of energy. Moving is hard and everything is pretty crazy right now but we're going to get it sorted out eventually. In the meantime, The Peaches and I want you to come see the new neighborhood...

Religion without God is a useless thing.

There is no reason to attend a church that doesn't judge you.

Don't get your religion from puppets.

Hard words for my little sisters in Christ. Ditch your boyfriend if he's groping you in church.

Good Grief! We help a listener find humor while suffering chronic pain from an encounter with a tank. The Peaches is in a whirl about marriage vows and I suggest that weddings would be way more fun if people exchanged honest vows instead of poetic vows. I decide to die on a hill arguing with Tim Keller and The Peaches declares me deceased.

When you accuse rich people of being greedy, make sure you include yourself.

I've got a problem with Jesus forgiving your sin.

If you're not cramming your belief down my throat, I'm going to doubt your sincerity.

Despite what you've heard, there are no non-religious people.

My woeful attempt to pray for an enemy.

Some encouragement for frazzled homeschooling parents. Then, we answer an email from a listener who wonders how sinfulness affects our sense of humor. Great question! Peaches is in a whirl about the rumors that Gab is full of racism and evil. (The rumors are true.) The Hill to Die On this week is that Christians must stop taking themselves so seriously. God keep the universe working with or without our help. Our ministry is a plastic vacuum cleaner.

Positive thinking doesn't actually solve any problems.

Anyone who says being "non-religious" doesn't lead to wickedness...is wrong.

Cheering for the demise of Christianity is wishing for Hell.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there.

The best source of information about success is people who have succeeded.

Don't panic too much. This is the same lovable, whimsical yet intellectual podcast you've become addicted to but we're going to be a little more structured. We're joining a for real network with for real other podcasts and we don't want to look like the pikers we are. We've got new recording gear and we're hoping to make our podcast a pleasurable experience instead of a challenge. Thanks for listening!

Jesus didn't tell us to go into all the world and encourage them to keep sinning.

Is there any difference between your god and a cute, cuddly, puppy?

A paraphrased parable about putting faith in COVID precautions.

You've been told that taking precautions will keep you safe. That's not true.

Thoughtful isn't an adjective you can just assign to yourself. You need to demonstrate it.

Changes in the wind, Pkarlgh. We may be renaming this show very soon. The Podcast Ninja briefly appears to help us think up some titles. The Peaches reads a distressed post from a hapless woman who has been scandalized by dirty jokes from her Chiropractor. This was one of my favorite episodes ever...

I doubt my prayer is going to work and I'll tell you why.

You already know what lost people need so stop asking them to tell you. They don't know anyway...

Some people will sacrifice everything for their beliefs.

A few helpful tips to help you spot a conman, shyster, you know...a hustler.

"Good without God" is a hoax.

After we peel some oranges and acknowledge Silas presence in the room, I mention how pleasing it is to see the Sun. The Peaches tells me that if I'll show her my friends, she'll show me my future. We talk about whether or not that's right.

I need a good reason to get out of bed on Sunday morning. Can you give me one?

It's not unloving to require motorcycle ownership under certain circumstances.

Try to get an appointment with your pastor and win this challenge.

The problem of evil is still a problem even when you decide there is no God.

When I make excitement the measure of my spirituality, I am wrong.

Hey Pkarlgh - Kenn Kington on the podcast! We talk about COVID and mandates and fear and his new book too! I get Kenn to admit that there's no way he should still be alive today. We ponder the difficulty of relationships and family. Toward the end, Kenn does something that has never been done before on the podcast!

The role models for marriage in the Bible are pretty sketchy...

Jesus is a crutch. For sure.

When you decide to run away from your faith, figure out where you're going to go.

You think you'd do the right thing with massive public influence but you're probably wrong.

I confess that I treat women differently than men.

We don't get to pick the issues people care about. Right now, people care about racism, LGBTQ stuff, and abortion. Melissa Pellew joins me (and The Peaches doesn't) for a conversation about abortion and the Christian responsibility to defend life.

Exclusion from a group isn't always a bad thing.

Everything isn't all about you.

You aren't actually what you eat.

Lots of people want God to be cool with whatever they decide.

You can't trust a bird that just repeats what it hears.

Hi Pkarlgh. I'm talking to The Peaches today about a HUGE problem that Christians have according to an out-of-touch dude on Facebook. Communication is difficult even when we speak the same language but Christians having "their own language" is not the reason non-Christians aren't flocking to church. I was pretty sure I was going to get roasted for my commentary on this subject but for some reason, The Peaches was gentle and agreeable. That's kind of unusual for her...

Why do people who don't believe in spirits still want to be spiritual? I don't get it...

I'll give you the godless reason for making children into slaves, rather than wastefully killing them via abortion.

Atheism is sad and depressing and if you doubt me, ask an atheist for advice sometime.

I do a much better job of giving atheist advice than the average atheist.

Converting you to Christianity is not the most important aspect of my faith. Sorry.

This week, we're talking about shacking up before marriage, Pkarlgh. I think it's bad advice to just tell people to "get married" when they're living together. There's some Minecraft drama but it's resolved pretty quickly. The Peaches decides that all of life is bath bombs and I suppose she's probably right.

My parents taught me my religion but that's not a good reason to throw it out.

It's not necessary to throw out your brain when you start walking by faith.

I'm suspicious that the grocery store checkout machine doesn't really value me at all.

Christians and Canadians have something in common. They are often blamed for things that aren't their fault.

There's a right way and a wrong way to use scripture wrongly. This is the right wrong way.

What's up, Pkarlgh? We're starting a new thing this year that isn't going to seem like a new thing to you because we've been talking about it for awhile and you're part of all those conversations. The world is upside down and lots of people are trying to figure out how to make sense from the chaos. Of course, we know exactly what needs to be done...

Smartness won't make you popular.

We shouldn't say, "Everyone Is Welcome Here," because it's not true.

When we're not thinking the same things, we aren't united.

Just because it's new doesn't mean it's improved.

It is NOT true that godless people cannot do good deeds.

Hello, Pkarlgh. The Peaches might call you Pkarlgha accidentally from now on and she explains why. With copious amounts of coffee coursing through our systems, we try to figure out how to obey Romans 13. The first step is figuring out who "the authority" is and it's not an easy thing to do when EVERYBODY claims to be in charge.

Lack of evidence doesn't mean the Bible is false.

God doesn't hate all denominations, just those that differ from mine.

Don't get married when "a relationship" is plenty good enough.

Shocking evidence people who worship the Prince of Darkness are sometimes mean and selfish!

There's a big difference between believing in Santa and believing in God.

Hey, Pkarlgh! - Ben Zornes joins The Peaches and me for a discussion about all the unity and brotherhood we're expecting to see burst forth from our new Congressional administration. We're optimistic that we've finally got the right kind of people in power and our nation can start to heal.

Do you hate apologizing as much as I do? Here's how to avoid saying you're sorry for the rest of your life!

Equality means the ladies are just as coarse and uncouth as the men! Yay!

Honestly, I'm more like Fred Phelps than I am like Jesus so it's a good thing God loves Fred.

I simply don't have enough outrage to spend any of it on people who have been called the wrong pronouns.

Western Christianity doesn't require you to believe stuff, just identify with a famous person who claims to be a Christian.

Hi Pkarlgh. The Peaches and I disagree about whether or not we disagree about what has 'conservatives' in an uproar. (If you think that sentence is hard to comprehend, just wait until you hear this conversation!) At one point, The Peaches threatens to drop "an atomic bomb" on me! So I need to re-iterate that nothing you hear in this episode is intended as a call to violence.

Here are some helpful tips for staying poor in America even though wealth is all around you.

Maybe this will encourage you when your child comes out of the closet...as a thief.

It's been said that nothing lasts forever. That's not true.

Just because something is old, doesn't mean it's incorrect.

The secular folks would like to make the case that Satan is a swell fella.

It's unpleasant to think about, but maybe Jesus wasn't kidding when he said it costs something to be His disciple.

We don't really believe we're idolaters because we don't bow down before statues anymore.

Hey Pkarlgh - The Peaches and I almost come to blows about which one of us is the most interesting. Then, while we serve cheese puffs and sandwiches, we ponder the chaotic reality that used to be America. Turns out, the people who thought they were the good guys are behaving exactly the way the bad guys behave. So we discuss how to figure out who the good guys actually are. The saddest people are the hapless folks who honestly believed the good guys were going to salvage this election. When it all shakes out, this looks a lot like plain old idolatry. When we start asking each other which is worse; Stealing a T.V. or Storming the Capitol...it's the end of the road. Then we end up talking about The Comedy Round Table and GAME NIGHT! Both of these things are fun, upbeat, and happy and you should join us Pkarlgh because the world is on fire.

You need not be a famous person to go ahead and acknowledge God's participation in your accomplishments.

Sarcasm is a God-given gift that helps us expose foolishness.

I used to say I wasn't privileged. I was mistaken about that.

No. The Bible does not say "all sins are equal."

We've already changed the definition of marriage. It's time to change the definition of divorce.

Hey Pkarlgh - This week we're talking to David Robertson AKA 'The Wee Flea.' The conversation meanders through several topics (which doesn't really surprise you) but the overall theme is that God exists and atheism is a terrible philosophy. I was kind enough to share some of my atheist trolls with David a couple of years ago and the trolls have completely abandoned me to devout themselves fully to harassing David. We discuss this a bit. If you like Scottish accents (and who doesn't?) then this episode is going to be a favorite.

Some people think Christians should just listen quietly to hurting people. I'm not one of those Christians.

It's a fact that diversity of ideas is most appealing to people with the worst ideas.

Since we're expecting tribulation, I'm asking a favor for New Year's.

The 11th Commandment hasn't officially been added to scripture yet, but everyone expects you to follow it anyway.

Today will probably not be memorable. Remember that.

Pkarlgh, we finally got Mark Gungor back on the podcast after a busy week of writing his name on stuff. The Peaches and I want to ask Mark why he is determined to upset everybody in the universe. His answer sends us in a number of different direction (which shouldn't surprise you) and leads to some genuinely useful insights (eventually).

If you want to deny the gospel without looking ignorant, do this.

Just reading the Christmas story. Nothing else to say...

Virginia, you were lied to. Let me set you straight.

The fuzzy, happy feelings from Christmas are all the heathen have going for them. Fortunately, the joy from Jesus birth is big enough to go around.

You've been told the reason for the season is Jesus birth but that's not exactly right...

Merry Christmas, Pkarlgh!

We gather round the table to talk about traditions that have changed over the years and the anxiety that happens when we're disappointed at Christmas. We also talk about circumcision...

Christmas joy is so contagious, it event affects the folks who don't like Jesus.

Peace on Earth at Christmas is not the same kind of peace you're probably thinking about.

I hate to be the one who says it, but Ebenezer Scrooge is still not actually saved.

We're not greedy. Only rich people are greedy...right?

Christmas sneaking up on you this year? How is that even possible when the retailers are helpfully reminding us about it?

What's up, Pkarlgh?

Today we discussed the importance of doing hard stuff, or as Luke says, doing stuff that sucks. We discuss billionaires and feminists and Collin's polar plunge (not in that order.)

My new devotional series is intended to fit neatly into your busy day. No matter how much you have on your agenda, you're eventually going have a seat in the bathroom for one reason or another. That's when you can listen to the Daily Deuce! The number 2 devotional in America!

Hey Pkarlgh, This episode is a conversation with Doug Wilson. We've talked ABOUT Doug many times on this podcast but this time we're talking WITH him! Can you believe it? He'll give us his hypothesis as to how he came to have the reputation for hating women. And we'll talk about the problem with unity and getting along with everybody.

Hey Pkarlgh, welcome to The Peach's kitchen. It's a busy place this afternoon, Aunt Megan, Grandma Turbo, Tabby, and even Uncle David are all here, eating shish-ka-bobs that Luke (Podcast Ninja) grilled for us. We're talking about election fraud and corruption. And we're talking about how absolute freedom seems like a good idea to people who submit to God but it can't really work on this planet.

Hey Pkarlgh - Janice Chance joins me and The Peaches this week. I met Janice a few weeks ago and when I heard her story, I knew you'd want to hear it too. She knows about struggling and suffering. Her story is tragic and inspirational. Feel free to pass this on to somebody you know who might be feeling discouraged...

Find out more about Janice here: http://www.jessemelton.net/

The story of David and Goliath is the most famous "underdog" story in history but usually the wrong person is called the underdog.

https://johnbranyan.com/the-real-underdog/

The Peaches summons me to her house to explain how the American Revolution was a lot like tyrannical social media companies. The kids have a couple of emergencies. We have some complacent friends who don't see censorship as a big problem because they mostly just post cat pictures on Facebook. And I managed to get myself blocked this week! The Peaches is still leading in blockings but I'm catching up.

Hey Pkarlgh,

I tell The Peaches my new plan and she tells me, as usual, it's wrong. Even though I don't want to, we discuss the election. We warn about the peril of freaking out when babies get sick. Finally, we discuss the huge success of counselors that admit they don't know what they're talking about.

Hey Pkarlgh - The Peaches wants to organize the podcast into topics and insists we discuss it right now. Tabby has Simon say "papa" and it's the best part of the show. Eventually we get around to talking about how hard people are working to tear everything that matters to pieces.

Hey Pkarlgh. We read an actual piece of mail and talk extensively about Koozies. Tabby gives a shout out to her in-laws who listen but aren't fans of the podcast. Then we discuss the impossibility that Christians can ever be united with non-Christians.

The Peaches wanted to talk about what's wrong with being a centrist but she distracted me with racism first. She got herself into trouble for treating a black guy with equality. Eventually we get around to discussing what's wrong with wanting to be "in the middle" of the culture wars. The question is, "Who are the people Jesus would criticize today?"

One of my dreams comes true on this episode in that I finally found a black friend who will let me ask him anything! The Peaches gangs up with Nathan Hunter to try and force me to own my Calvinism. But before we get to that, we talk about racism in America.

Hey Pkarlgh - The McKinney men are having some feelings and the Peaches and I are trying to figure out how to trash Amy Coney Barrett. The Peaches managed to get herself into trouble again because she wasn't giddy about men disappearing from the planet for 24 hours.

Hey Pkarlgh - Whenever a Christian tells you to support women's rights you should probably put on some headphones and crank up some music, or white noise. I suggest you start wearing headphones all the time because Christians spew inane rhetoric with alarming frequency.

Listen in while we take a Christian entertainer to task for posting dumb things (and the deleting them (and then reposting them)).

What's up, Pkarlgh? (Never mind, I can't hear your answer anyway...)

The Peaches starts this podcast off with some insipid stupidity which is not customary for her. After some banal conversation about paint drying, we transition into a discussion about my transition. Apparently, I'm too old to keep being funny and I'm obligated to "pass the torch" to some younger people. I think that's the message anyway, give and listen and let me know if that's how you understand it...

Hey Pkarlgh,

It's a long conversation about why you should cancel Netflix. Then, the Peaches tells a tale of a girl who wants her only motherly responsibility to be holding newborns. Then we discuss a stupid article that says being self-controlled is a bad thing.

There are 2/3 fewer children than normally in the background and somehow the chaos increased! The Peaches and I discuss how to teach kids not to grow up to be angry brats. And I read a convoluted article that tells us Christians shouldn't vote but they should run for office (and this is not a joke.)

PLATYPUS! - Hey Pkarlgh, this episode picks up in the aftermath of a gripe session the girls had about their husbands. I admirably defend the husbands. The Peaches introduced me to a new term, "matrilineal" which she thinks is helpful for several reasons. In between outbursts of show tunes from Silas and Marci, we talk about discontented women (ironic, huh?)

Pkarlgh recently suggested that we do an episode that will help new listeners understand what The Comedy Sojourn is all about. We start by answering the question, "Who is Pkarlgh?" The Peaches and I do our level best to introduce the characters, explain the theme and recap some of the topics that pop up repeatedly. If you want to get a feel for what this podcast is about without reviewing 4 years of podcasts, this episode is for you!

I wasn't planning to record this podcast. I stopped in at The Peaches' house and it's pretty noisy (we even yell at Megan about pineapple.) In the chaos, we talk about John Crist and his recent reappearing in the public. The Peaches warned me that I shouldn't do it but I'm OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!

Well, Pkarlgh, I'm calling from the car which annoys The Peaches (surprise!) and we spend several minutes trying to figure out whether or not to continue. We do. And we find ourselves defending Jerry Falwell Jr from the vicious, hoard of pearl clutching Christians.

Hey Pkarlgh - You know how The Peaches keeps insisting that I'm not far from becoming a Calvinist? This conversation finally confirms that truth. I can't deny it any longer and I finally admit my theological leanings while eating a delicious quesadilla (which I believe was the result of Luke's free will.)

After I say goodbye to the lil' kids, I want to talk about Kanye West and his bi-polarism. The Peaches tells me not to call it bi-polarism because it makes me sound dumb. I'm convinced that mental illness has a negative impact on a Christian testimony but Amanda kind of disagrees. The Peaches then confesses that crazy people's reality is possibly ACTUAL reality and I freak out. We talk about lucid dreams and our own mental illness.

Hey Pkarlgh, The Peaches groans this week because I mention Donald Trump. We discuss America's wavering emphasis on morality in politics. I'm a little sad because it occurs to me that I rarely know what's going on. We conclude with a discussion about beliefs. Religion is the most important thing about humans.

Apparently, The Peaches has been fielding some questions from Pkarlgh about home schooling. Then, we spend a few minutes talking about educating kids at home in between screaming about the lights going out. The girls (Amanda, Tabby, and Meghan) offer their frank opinions about deciding to teach your kids at home. Also...their kids run around and make tons of noise. If you think you should try home schooling but you're kind of scared, you'll like this episode.

Something unprecedented today, Pkarlgh. I'm claiming to be a victim! It's been a crummy year for comedy and my calendar is empty. This is a conversation about the possibility of changing gears and going a different direction. Maybe I'm hanging up this comedy thing after 30 years.

Sarah Salviander is an Astrophysicist. A real, genuine, legit, scientist! Did you hear me, Pkarlgh? This isn't one of my dopey friends or family members! We talk about science and the Bible.

This is an extra bit of content that to help you cope with the fact that our Western world is crumbling to dust. Hope you enjoy it!

Follow Sarah - @sarahsalviander on Twitter

Sarah's website - https://sixdayscience.com

The podcast is late because we played board games and ate sushi all weekend with Juan and Melodee Devevo and family. When they departed, the Peaches and I reminisced about a stolen pool pump and a high speed chase through the neighborhood. Then we talk about wearing masks and virtue signaling and Calvinism.

Carmen is Chief Editor at Staseos.net. We have a conversation about the appropriateness of sarcasm in Christian language. There's talk of the 'dark web' and the possibility that truth exists outside of Scripture and church doctrines. Shocking!

I confess to The Peaches that it feels like all my friends have lost their minds. She doesn't help me feel any better. The Western world continues to march away from Christianity and the church would rather make peace than speak truth.

The first 10 minutes of my interview with Carmen Schober from Staseos.net is included for FREE (because my heart is full of generosity and love.)

Peaches and I discuss the dangers of friendship bread. The Peaches endures Jen Hatmaker's podcast because she's a great friend. Then, we talk about the "Girl Wash Your Face" girl announces her marriage is washed up. (I think it's "Girl Watch Your Face"...but I'm wrong.)

And I respond to a friend who responds to Candace Owens who responded to the George Floyd situation.

PART 2 of the conversation about Critical Theory, Racism, and some outrageous quotes from James Cone.

The Peaches and The Podcast Ninja talk about the thing everyone is talking about: "RACISM!...Hooray!" The problem we have is that racists aren't what they used to be. It's no longer mere bigotry, racism is a whole new religion.

The Peaches wrote about some heavy stuff this week as a result of all the stuff that happened the last couple of months. In a word, she's been discouraged. Vacay with Comics has risen from the ashes of COVID-19 and we'll tell you what we're planning to do. Then we discuss how Winnie the Pooh got a friend of ours in trouble.

We're talking about building a new Tower of Babble. Our desire to be God blinds us to our wretched idolatry. The Peaches revisits her "clumps of people" illustration from a few years ago. Culture has successfully turned hate into a virtue. And we successfully upset several powerful "clumps of people" before this podcast is over.

** The 2nd part of this podcast is available to subscribers only. It features the Podcast Ninja explaining why he's become such a savage recently.

How did my son in law go from mild mannered nurse to online troll slayer? I ask him that very question. Then, we predict the future.

Last week, I upset some people on Facebook (again). One of the people who actually agreed with me got booted off of Facebook for something he said. It's a fascinating story full of intrigue, drama, irony, twists and turns.

This is the follow-up episode to my conversation with Al about getting kicked off Facebook. I got kicked off Facebook!

If you've ever felt shame and guilt when you've done nothing wrong, you should listen to this episode. It's an introductory course to the tactic known as "gaslighting". Christian people need to be able to recognize this bit of wickedness and reject it completely.

Short introduction to my comedy philosophy. I'll read a chapter from the book I wrote about how to use comedy to make your crummy life better!

In the aftermath of Cami's 9th birthday party (Frozen 2 theme) we discuss Bucko Bites and I do battle with an email scammer. The podcast Ninja becomes the Peato Pastor before our eyes. Uncle David almost dies laughing (for real) and we discuss who should take the blame for people who die at church.

The podcast is changing to a shorter format very soon. The meatier topics will be available to subscribers only. Pkarlgh, go to the website (www.johnbranyan.com) and get your subscription.

This episode features our plans to build a compound and life together in a self-contained community of weirdos. Tabby tells her dramatic story about her visit from Child Protective Services. We all discuss the dangers of agencies with policies that take the place of people with hearts and minds.

Peaches tells us how she walked Collin through his episode being bullied. Luke and Joe participate on this episode! We ask if it's okay for boys to punch each other. Then a diaper explodes in the hallway. Then we say good-bye...

...then we start talking again and I partially unveil my idea for creating a website that works for EVERYBODY! I'm not going to let people tell me they're my fans anymore.

Chaos erupts (more than usual) in The Peaches house. The quarantine is creating a lot of mental hardship. We discuss the erosion of our overall health that isn't the fault of the virus. We try to figure out how abnormal the "new normal" is going to be. We give proper credit to greedy capitalists and we read your emails, Pkarlgh. (Including a 'Peaches-esque' rant...)

A frank discussion about how life sometimes disappoints and you should teach your kids how to handle it rather than crying with them. Aunt Meghan got herself into hot water by following The Peaches' advice (no surprise). And I offer a keen insight into mankind's discovery of microbes but nobody is impressed.

As the pandemic grinds on, I take to the internet to create this week's podcast with the help of Tabby (and Simon) and The Peaches. Professional educators are worried that kids will be messed up by their parent's amateur teaching efforts. Maybe, just maybe, parents can educate their own children without any serious consequences...

Hey Pkarlgh - we recorded this while observing social distancing. There's a local ordinance that perfectly demonstrates the real problem of this pandemic. Peaches fights with a nurse about protocol. Good intentions are always an open door to tyranny. I make a shocking statement about my need for emotion that I should have said years ago.

This podcast is brought to you from quarantine. We recommend you stand 6 feet from your podcast player when listening. The gang is together eating pancakes and defying the expert advise. We contemplate crabs in a bucket (and explain it to Tabby) and there's a milestone event in Silas McKinney's life that happens ON THE PODCAST!!

While quarantined, we discuss how vulnerable we are when we're afraid. When we're willing to forfeit our rights in order to "be cautious", we are ripe to be oppressed. Just because we're in the midst of a pandemic doesn't mean we need to be gloomy!

Hey, Pkarlgh! Juan and Melodee DeVevo join us again. We talk about all kinds of stuff, like pizza, and sanitizer, hot chilis, wasp stings. I make a lame attempt to tie everything together in a meaningful philosophical proposition. The Peaches doesn't cough as much this week!

It's been a hectic week, Pkarlgh. If the podcast feels rushed and thrown together that's because it is.

Lots of chatter for Silas this week who just woke up from a nap and is full of good cheer. We discuss the concept of "church for people who hate church" and apply it to Christian radio. Peaches hacks and coughs. Luke discusses the benefits of relentless positivity. I give my thoughts on encouragement which will probably just make a lot of people mad.

Pkarlgh! I got a new phone from Luke! Can you tell? The podcast is being recorded on my brand-spanking new phone. I had some issues with it and The Peaches tells me it's mostly her fault. Then we read an email and answer some theology questions. We talk about hopeful agnostics and shame while wondering if maybe this is the "theme" of our lives.

Left my podcast recorder in Nashville but we overcome that obstacle to bring you this episode about Jordan Peterson's anxiety crisis. The Peaches and I discuss the latest apostate announcement and I give my theory about making the gospel so fun and exciting that it's not the gospel anymore.

Scandalous! This episode is scandalous! Luke offers insight into the mind of a boy. We have a new format for our church service and it kinda worked right out of the gate! The Peaches tells Luke that Collin has a crush on a guy and we spend the rest of the podcast talking about why that doesn't cause us any anxiety. Then, we talk about The Peach's 'girl crush' on the hot girl in her Zumba class. What I'm saying is, this is a scandalous episode.

I managed to talk about my censorship experience on a ministers page. The Peaches gets bored and makes us talk about her anxiety about how to deal with loved ones with whom we disagree. Meghan and Tabby join us (though Meghan doesn't say a lot) and in a conversation about how to talk to parents with rotten kids.

Hey, Pkarlgh! Not sure why this episode didn't post on time. I had it in the hopper ready to go and it just vanished. Better late than never (hopefully).

I make a suggestion for something I want to say in church and The Peaches shoots it down. Then, Luke (the Podcast Ninja) raises some good points about Jesus never pandering. Toward the end, I confess my fear of Nate Bargatze.

Hey, Pkarlgh! - It's been a long week for The Peaches because she took technology away from her kids. Cami has a great idea for launching a business. Then, we read a couple of emails. We've always been clear that our podcast is unscripted and raw. We want you to write to us, Pkarlgh. Just understand that we're going to respond honestly and unedited. That's how relationships work! Conversations with our listeners follow the same rules as conversations with each other.

This episode isn't actually an episode since Bob Smiley claimed it for himself. This is actually, "Hook, Line, and Smiley". Bob asks me some questions about board games, comedy, and advice I would give to my past self. We discuss Bob's issues with the television show, "24".

The Peaches has been on a kick to record everything...EVERYTHING...the past few weeks. This episode is a discussion about small groups. It's understood that being "in community" is important but I'm not convinced that friendship is something that can be forced. Tabby sort of agrees. You'll experience a time warp, Pkarlgh, and then Cami will read her new book to us!

Special Podcast Episode with Bob Smiley. We discuss horrible comedy gigs and the painful experience of being mistaken for Tim Hawkins.

Big news, Pkarlgh! We'll reveal the special celebrity guest who was planning to be at Vacay with Comics but now can't make it. It's a bittersweet announcement as we're happy that outrageous success prevents his participation in our grand party next August. Then, the Peaches crashes our spirits even further with a heavy discussion about celebrating death.

Grandma Turbo makes a cameo. Luke succeeds at repairing a tailgate. The Peaches admits she's a little worried about our future plans. We are taking a risk with Vacay with Comics and it could blow up in our faces. It's kind of scary when we're on the hook for a lot of money with no guarantees of success. Also, we talk about how the Bethel thing worked out.

Merry Christmas, Pkarlgh!

This episode is mostly about the church people praying for God to resurrect a deceased child. After we evict Emmi from the room, The Peaches gives me the low-down on the Bethel Church claiming a miracle. Grieving people are not usually the best people to put in charge. We talk about the appropriateness of asking God to re-think His actions.

Hey Pkarlgh! Tabby had her baby this week (Simon Eugene) and we're pretty happy about that. The Peaches and I talk (in relative peace and quiet) about lowering expectations because Marci puked. I got a story about a 1st grader who wears make-up and flowers in his hair to school. There's some horrible advice from a mother on Facebook. Violence isn't the answer.

We had no idea what this podcast was going to be about and it shows. Nobody wanted to record this because we're preoccupied waiting for Tabby and Meghan to give birth. While we're waiting for mucus plugs to release, we eat pizza and talk about pizza. Meanwhile, the children do hand to hand combat with each other. It's not a particularly thoughtful podcast but it is loud.

Hey, Pkarlgh! This podcast features one of my favorite stories of redemption and unexpected friendship. Steve Shupperd (my old boss) told me a story a few years ago that impacted me greatly and I wanted to share it with you. The first few minutes, Steve talks about how great I am (which is always fun for me) and we reminisce a bit about how great it was at my day job.

Eventually I get around to letting Steve tell the story of the parking lot guy. I hope it inspires you.

Been a tough week, Pkarlgh. I'm writing updates and retractions on the blog and The Peaches has been hyper-critical of everything I do. As I try to deal with my mistakes, we talk about women comedians. It's going to scandalize some people. Then we answer a question from a listener about Catholicism.

It's Emmi's birthday and it takes a few minutes for the background noise to settle down. We're high on sugar. When Christians aren't impacting the culture, it's probably because we don't ever talk to people. The truth is obscured by rhetoric. We pretend we're united when we're not. This is the debrief from a long week of combat with fellow believers.

Settle in Pkarlgh, this is an extended episode! We discuss an prayer request control freak and the Peaches battle with an unhinged Christian sister. Then, Tabby tells her story about her experience with an emotional abuser while The Peaches and I do make fun of her. This is a good episode to share with anyone who says John Branyan doesn't believe harassment is real. Tabby's perspective is excellent.

This episode is mostly about John Crist. Peaches and I discuss the alarming truth that Christians are unable to recognize their own sinfulness while magnifying the sin of others.

Luke McKinney (aka "Kenny") talks about car repair and Kanye West. We get ripped off at a sandwich shop. The Peaches and Tabby offer some advice to Pkarlgh on how to prepare for marriage. And we prove that Luke is underappreciated in his own home.

This episode starts with folding laundry. It seems John MacArthur has upset some people with two little words, "Go Home". The Peaches and Tabby talk about how upset they are by the misogyny (not at all). Then we feed the grandkids. Then we discuss how to figure out whether or not you have a ministry. Turns out, Tabby is the most offensive sister and we had no idea about that!

I got in pretty late the day before we recorded this so don't expect me to contribute much. Directed meditation was a good idea but it turns out, we're not sure how to do it. The Peaches and I discuss my new favorite atheist debater. Amanda coined a term (we think) and we explore the fantastic world of Grief Sages.

The Peaches, Tabby, and Aunt Meghan (reluctantly) help me decide what material to do for Dry Bar comedy taping (after complaining). It's a lot more work than I thought it would be. The final 30 minutes is the sermon I preached on the Delilah Perspective. The Peaches gives some testimony. You'll probably recognize some of this material, Pkarlgh since you've been with us when we hashed through it on various podcasts.

Gary Varvel and I brainstorm a way that he can make money now that he's retired. The Peaches and Gary have a sort of impromptu intervention to try to give me hope for the future. We discuss why nobody should listen to a comedian talk seriously. Everything is religion. EVERYTHING! Bob Ross and Ray Comfort make the discussion too. Gary threatens to discuss Calvinism but we divert into other theology either by our own free will or God's providence.

We'll tell you the discount code for Vacay with Comics! You can go here to participate in pre-registration: https://johnbranyan.com/vacay-with-comics/

The Peaches and I are giving a talk this Sunday. We're going through it on the podcast to try and figure out what we're going to say. It's based around the question: Do you think Delilah felt like she was doing the right thing when she betrayed Samson?

Been a tough week for me, Pkarlgh. Before we get into the details, Andrew explains how to make Kool-Aid Pickles. Then I catch some heat for telling a pastor who wants to leave the church to go ahead and leave the church. I'm puzzled why the church isn't even a little upset when a pastor accuses the church of abuse while the church is repeating "We Love You" like a chanting horde of zombies. Finally, The Peaches explains how pastors use rhetoric to lure people into their vans and drive them away.

Hey Pkarlgh, it's Collin's 6th birthday and this podcast was recorded under a gigantic crepe paper spiderweb. Another tragic suicide has us talking about mental illness and the ramifications it brings to Christian culture. The Peaches gives a piece of her mind to an online counselor and it's kind of scary.

Some details for Vacay with Comics! It's a go, Pkarlgh. I celebrate my birthday by confusing the restaurant staff. We throw around some favorite movie quotes and ponder why The Peaches doesn't have a sense of humor. Then we all discuss the possibility that comedy is a masculine characteristic and the trouble it creates to even suggest this.

Sometimes I preach at my church. This sermon is based on 2nd Timothy and features a story about infected baby fingers, the scandal of almond milk, and a power strip plugged into itself.

Hurricane a comin', Pkarlgh. The Peaches explains how to tell what the different catagories of hurricanes mean. The we talk about Vacay with Comics (we're quite excited about it). Oh, I'm writing a book too. Then I ask about why Christian people hold up the possibility of reconciled relationships as an excuse to break up relationships. The Peaches thinks I'm being too fussy. We argue about it awhile.

There was some drama in Tipton, Pkarlgh. Tabby, Peaches and I discuss overly fearful mothers and the danger they may pose. The Peaches scandalizes me with the truth about what a terrible child she was. The Amazon Jungle is on fire and there's no reason to freak out about it. I talk to a one eyed guy about being happy. And I save my neighbor the a crazy guy.

Hey, Pkarlgh. This episode opens with something you've been wanting for a long time: a discussion about grapes. I have a comedian friend who did a set on Conan that makes us suspicious that she's not a Christian anymore. I try to explain what's wrong with her set. The Peaches disagrees (of course) and tells me what the worst part really was. Luke chimes in a lot (for him).

Then we discuss the Hillsong Guy and the trouble with renouncing your faith in Jesus in order to just be a good, loving person.

Big new, Pkarlgh! We're planning an event for next summer and you need to be part of it. Silas gets some cars. We discuss the Red Flag gun laws on the table and discuss how it would be good for people who might wander outside in their underwear. The Peaches gets triggered (more than usual) about something a friend of hers said on Facebook. Then, of course, her friend blocked her cause...that's what always happens. I'm writing a book. I talk about it a bit. Collin goes camping too.

I'm trying to talk about our recent train trip but The Peaches won't stop looking up stuff on Google. We discuss the greatest song of all time like two people who know nothing about music. I start a fascinating discussion on the philosophy of discipleship which puts The Peaches to sleep. Finally, we get around to Josh Harris kissing his book about kissing dating goodbye goodbye.

Juan Devevo joins The Peaches, Tabby, Aunt Meghan (eventually) and all our little decibels on the porch to discuss comedy as it applies to preachers. We discuss the fear of being "wrong" when talking about the Bible. We eat peanut butter crackers. Juan shares some of the thoughts he had participating in my comedy workshop for pastors. Then I take Juan to the two landmarks in Kokomo and record his reactions!!!

Andrew is getting his wisdom teeth which is something I've never done. Luke got bit by a turtle once and Mandy tells about a chipmunk attack. We talk about what happens when we throw around the phrase, "the Word of God". Collin gets a hug and ponders who he's going to marry. His first pick is already off the table...

We sat outside for this podcast, Pkarlgh. The gnats were everywhere, the heat was oppressive and the wind almost ruined the recording. Somehow, we rose above our discomfort and discussed poor sportsmanship and Tabby's special talent on the soccer field. Plus - It's not good to use children to express your political point of view.

Episode discusses the empowerment of Ivanka Trump. The Peaches tells me why she doesn't like science and Miss America. I disagree because I'm a fan of exploding green foam. We talk about doing Sea Monkeys and read some comments from feminists who have completely gone bonkers. Plus, a Beth Moore update.

The Peaches has another question for the Mommies. After I argue with Tabby about what to call the hopscotch playing area, we figure out how to say "Soy Bean". Then we figure out the best way to humiliate a child that is already being bullied at school.

It's Luke birthday again so The Peaches tells us her plan to torment him. There are some triggered activists who send us a William Lane Craig debate...it's hilarious. We finish up with a frank discussion about loneliness and read some angry comments from my blog.

This episode was recorded at our vacation retreat and features virtually everyone from the family (including dozens of kid cameos). We cover everything from scary movies, boats and alternative ways to roast marshmallows. We grill some burgers and I explain the meaning behind an old adage! Luke offers S'more cautions. Shout-outs pending. Talk about eating dogs. Boats are for anarchists. Tabby records a message while I'm not in the room. A late night game of Euchre takes FOREVER because we keep podcasting.

I saved an open mic with my quick thinking and selfless attitude. The Peaches tries to take credit for it though. We discuss Trump triggering everyone and a possible title for my new book!

Sorry!! I was late this week, Pkarlgh!! If you're mad, you should forgive. If you're not affected in any way, that hurts my feelings too. This podcast is about pregnancy, and awkward conversations.

The Peaches and I have a spirited debate about the difference between stir fry and hamburger helper. (She's insane.) An MLB player's divorce gets us talking about Boundaries (The Peach's favorite bash book). How we "ought" to feel makes us pretty anxious. Peaches tells a horrifying story about memory foam mattresses and motherhood. We share the secret to stopping your son from peeing the bed too!

Tabby, The Peaches, and Aunt Meghan help me understand Tinder. Twitch mystifies the girls and I try to help them get it. We discuss the difficulty with helping people grieve without offending them further. It's kind of heavy today, Pkarlgh, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Collin invents a new way to disrupt while Cami explains the prerequisite for her being a plumber (you won't be surprised, Pkarlgh). The Peaches reads an instance of a guy who gets kicked out of his family. While I make coffee, we think about whether or not teachers should ever be questioned. If I had a Ph.D. I might not tell anyone (...I don't have a Ph.D...)

Dave Nowak distracts me and I turn the wrong way going home. We discuss things like Skyline Chili, Legalizing Pot, asking good questions, life on other planets, and the moon landing. Over the gentle hum of the engine, we talk about how easy it is to offend people with questions. I try to get him to choose Skyline or Goldstar chili which should trigger almost everyone.

Tim Hawkins and Daren Streblow spend a few minutes telling me about barbecuing techniques, Tim's daughter's wedding and bad candy. Then The Peaches and I discuss nurse's outrage over black bean burgers and Chex Mix. (You can literally hear crunching early on.) There's an email from you, Pkarlgh that causes us to revisit the old Earth argument too. Let's not fight this time!

This episode was meant to follow up after Jonnie W. - but got postponed. Luke bought Peaches a book. She tells me, with no shortage of enthusiasm, about how great it feels to have found her kindred spirit. We ponder the Ship of Theseus. I'm outraged to find out my marriage analogy isn't unique to me. Peaches tries to remember the name of a law but can't (then she does later). You're not entitled to fairness. Tolerance will make us less discerning.

The Peaches and I discuss my status as a board game hipster. The McKinneys are headed to Ruby Tuesday because of Luke's gutsy poker play. I had a gay Frenchman dedicate a new blog to my hate speech and we discuss the insanity of all that. Beware of associating with me since I'm sort of a crazy people magnet. Mandy confesses she's not attracted to her husband but kinda digs boy-band members. I'm triggered. If you're gonna settled down with a cheeseburger...and it goes downhill from there.

We ponder what to do about our cranky bird and her tiny eggs. My sister renames Bridge Mix. I can't stop raving about my front wallet. Then Juan ('The Bridge Builder') and Melody Devevo help us figure out when it's acceptable for Christian people to upset non-Christians. The Peaches, Luke and Lori contribute their thoughts on all these topics while we shout over the din of the lunchtime crowd at City Market in Indianapolis.

Jonnie W. and Marty Simpson roar into town to do a show with me so I take the opportunity to record a podcast...and then the batteries die in my recorder. Then I restart the recording and we discuss the importance of hanging around normal people who aren't impressed by comedians.

Big news from Cami today! She'll tell us why she's striking a pose. The Peaches thinks it's time for a new voice to speak to women. It's gotta be a woman though...not a dude. I'm able to squeeze a few words in about the Mayor of South Bend. We end up with some awkward admissions about the need for church group organizers as payed staff.

If you've been longing for a conversation with a top-notch Christian comedian set against the ambient sounds of Cracker Barrel, this is your episode! Anita Renfroe talks with me about the proper way to take a picture of cheesecake, why you can't put an 's' at the end of Oreo and we talk about her husband's take-home pictures of his colon. It's fun! I'll also explain the only time I've ever missed an airplane and how it was Anita Renfroe's fault.

My buddy JT Oaks drops in for a visit and makes up a song about popcorn in the style of Mr. Rogers.JT shares an outraged letter he wrote to a seller of multi-colored confetti. A week after The Peaches was thrown out of a conversation, the conversation continues without her. I discuss the age of consent with a gay French atheist. JT gives a simple one sentence answer to the question, "Are people basically good?" We finish up with my favorite JT Oaks story (and JT has LOTS of stories).

Okay, Pkarlgh, The Peaches is in a whirl. I know I say that all the time and usually it's an exaggeration BUT NOT THIS TIME! She's triggered. TRIGGERED I TELL YOU!

Tune in to hear the details along with the usual distractions from Cami, Collin and Emmi. Even Silas is starting to be a nuisance now that he's officially 1-year old. Put on some coffee, grab some pizza and listen while we unpack "The Hatmaker Incident".

This episode is kinda short, Pkarlgh. There will be a longer one uploaded later because Peaches has a story to tell but I didn't get home in time to record it.

So....I'm sitting in a window at the Cleveland airport being philosophical and bored. Eventually I make it home to Indy and I'll give you my thoughts about airline announcements. Then Lori picks me up and we discuss microwave ovens, lunch and the PG-13 show I was contracted to do in Kansas. That's it for this one. Stay tuned!

This episode features a run-down on what Luke McKinney (The Peach's husband) does to get ready for a stand-up show. Plus, we hear some stories that he hasn't even told on stage yet! Andrew and Tabby help me process a guy flat-out sleeping at the airport. And I'll tell you a completely stupid bit that I pulled at a recent show I did with Tim Hawkins.

I blow Collin's mind with a proposal that he simply cannot imagine being possible. Cami laments having nothing to wear for President's Day. But, this episode is mostly about romance, Pkarlgh. Peaches relays a scandalous story that happened at the library and we springboard into a conversation about the meaning of the word "romance".

This episode was recorded in an Uber with Kenn Kington on the way to the Philadelphia airport. We talk about how much we're going to miss Becky (Kenn's road manager) because her grievous, unforgivable mistake required us to abandon her in Pennsylvania. Kenn learns about WaWa. If you have a bunch of gold bars and you're trying to figure out where to store them for safe keeping, we'll tell you. We discuss some comedy stuff too. It's a pretty random episode, Pkarlgh but that's kinda what you expect, isn't it?

My buddy Chris Edgington joins me on the podcast this week. Chris has some great stories. Today, he's going to tell us (mostly you, Pkarlgh, because I've heard the story before) about the time God told him to change jobs and then crashed his career. We spend a few minutes talking about how that seems to be the way God operates. Most of the Biblical characters suffered for their faith.

The benefits of sitting next to Collin when eating Chex Mix. Peaches and I discuss how you know somebody else knows they are misbehaving. For some reason, Peach has a potty mouth today... We discuss the theory that religious people invented guilt. Peaches reads a comment from a person she triggered on Facebook talking about razor blade ads. Emmi isn't having a good day and I try to cheer her up. I fail. The last part of this episode is dripping with toxic masculinity (I guess)...

Hey, Pkarlgh! Gary Varvel is back on the podcast but this time - HE'S UNEMPLOYED! Just like me! We discuss the state of culture, razor blades, Donald Trump, and Jesus making bread from stones. The ambiance is Honeybaked Ham which has one of the loudest air circulation systems in the State but it's nostalgic (see video link below). Gary gives his theory on Mike Pence.

The kids are trying to remember a line from a movie that they want Andrew to say as Patrick Warburton. They can't find it so we dig up some random lines for him to dutifully repeat. Mandy reads an email she got from Pkarlgh asking how to handle an unfaithful spouse. Tabby gives some perspective cause, y'know, she's Catholic.

This episode, The Peaches rants about how she was right about the TerKeursts. We discuss the truth that terrible holidays are still wonderful. Hurricanes aren't a good reason to rob a Wal-Mart. Finally, Tabby (and Marci) talk to me about how to have a real relationship instead of a distant, disconnected internet relationship that only SEEMS real...

Yes! I know I'm late again. The holidays have been a bit chaotic and I've been on the road, Pkarlgh. I'm sure you understand...

Michael O'Brien joins me and he confesses his addiction to video games. We discuss gigs we've lost because we can't keep our opinions to ourselves. Christian artists might, possibly, perhaps, maybe, have some theological shortcomings. Michael tries to jam his reformed theology down my throat but I'm not upset because since he's a Calvinist, it isn't his choice to do that.

Peaches and I take notice of the massive amount of mucus and sadness in the house. We discuss what bakers have in common with dead snakes in jars. The guy who kissed dating goodbye is sorry he ever did that (except for the parts he's not sorry about). And we try to figure out what the "purity movement" is and how it has destroyed so many innocent lives.

A week before Christmas, Pkarlgh! We're in a festive mood. Tabby passes on her father-in-laws wisdom regarding Amish people. We talk about losing children and sticking beans up noses. Mandy shares about how a salad crushed her soul. Coffee is better with cinnamon and love. Collin has a crush on Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" but he denies it. I make a recommendation for a game you should buy to play with family over the Holidays.

Tabby tells a heart-wrenching story about a cartoon baby and cigarette butts. Luke confesses his jealousy of Matt Walsh. I insist that it's impossible to tell the your fingers apart when they're detached from your hand but the girls argue with me. Naked men are never seductive. And we discuss using melted purity rings to fashion golden genitalia.

Podcast is late this week, Pkarlgh. I'm driving to Dave Pendleton's house so I've got 15 minutes to explain myself regarding Lauren Daigle. At Pendleton's I see how long I can hug David. Robert G. Lee talks with us about banning Christmas songs and the racism of Veggie Tales. Finally, we discuss the inherent offensiveness of comedy and what in the world we, as comedians, should do about it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The first 12 minutes of this episode is the Branyan clan around the Thanksgiving table as Andrew tells about confronting his smoking neighbor. (Marci makes a ton of noise too.)

I found an old conversation from last year that never got published. Peaches, Lori and I discuss the problem of mass incarceration.

Brant Hansen is on this episode! If you've not heard Brant talk before, Pkarlgh, you've not listened to every episode (shame on you). I'll tell you the snapshots I use to remember Brant. Peaches will mock me for doing so.

We talk to Brant about being UnOffendable. We challenge his contention that he's a misfit. The church culture has a way of making people feel out of place.

We got into a bit of trouble on a recent podcast. Actually, I thought it was just The Peaches who was in trouble but it turns out, I said some far out stuff too. We revisit the conversation on the "perfection" of the "word of God" and try to express ourselves a bit more clearly.

We read an email from someone who wants to listen to the podcast but the kids are too annoying. We confront the kids about being annoying and they don't seem bothered.

Peter Heck visits the podcast and we duke it out about creation theory.

Old Testament Foreigners aren't like immigrants (really). Collin gives a Power Ranger update. I tell The Peaches about a guy who think Christians are being conned. Either Christians are stupid or they're ignorant. I suggest their might be another possibility. The Peaches talks about "the word of God" and it's pretty upsetting. Eventually, we read the Peaches journal from 1996 in an effort to find something "fun" to discuss.

Freight Mabrey on this episode and his wife, Susan, calls in to tell me about how she got over the loss of a family pet because Freight was no help at all.

Tabby gives her review of the movie "A Never Ending Story". Spoiler alert, if you haven't seen the movie this review will not ruin anything. It's a convoluted stream of conscience that won't reveal anything but it's delivered with passion.

Leland Klassen, who's Canadian, takes his first bite of Skyline Chili because David Pendleton and I know how to party. We tell some insider stories about other comics to demonstrate that you only talk smack about the ones you love. I bungled a joke recently and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Then, I don't help Peaches with the laundry while she rants about some crazy talk she read on a Christian woman's blog.

This episode didn't post on time for some reason! Sorry! It's a bit late...

Peaches and I try to figure out who to pray for regarding victims and such. Collin is jazzed about a library program. I get coached on how to express my feelings. Don't get hurt when people make fun. Peaches tries to convince me that grudges serve a purpose.

A few minutes of a phone conversation during which The Peaches lectures me about not writing when I'm emotional. It's quite upsetting and I may write about it. I've proclaimed that I'm tired of atheists and I'm not going to feature them on my blog posts anymore. Amanda thinks I've gone too far.

I power through our first official "Mommy Episode". Peaches, Tabby, Meghan, and Joelle talk about various mommy-related issues.

Andrew retells the story of how his acquisition of a new vehicle went totally sideways. Peaches and I disagree about thinking and feeling. She's convinced that kids can't think because they don't have language. I'm outraged but manage to remain civil and professional.

The full behind-the-scenes recording of how we got our spiffy new intro. Peaches expresses support for people who don't properly express support. We discuss finding a sperm donor at garage sales. Social justice rears its head again. We can't actually agree about apologies. I make a statement about simplicity that Amanda will never let me forget for the rest of my life...

This Episode: John turns not more than 60 years old.

It's my birthday so I make some phone calls and take abuse from my kids. (This is sort of a tradition.) We discuss the many places you might have your tongue grabbed. And we ponder how the weatherman calculates the chances of rain.

This Episode: The Enneagram ! ! (Again!)

Peaches gets an explanation of the Enneagram from a friend so she decides to dive into the mystery. The Farkas Family and Aunt Megan joins us and they force me to take the Enneagram myself. It reveals so much! So very much! For instance, Enneagram is different from a pentagram. We sit around eating lunch off paper plates and everybody offers opinions, including me despite the fact that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

In this episode: Cheap Grace and Jeff Goldblum

Apparently, I look and sound like Jeff Goldblum. Peaches talks about slapping ALLLLL the baby daddies. Knowing that we'll get in trouble for just talking about this, we discuss which single mothers deserve respect. Let's misbehave so God will be glorified!! Is that a good idea...? Maybe nail polish can make everything better. Peaches doesn't want to tell kids they're special.

Then I travel with Kenn Kington and Becky. We talk about a lot of different things including Becky's attempt to smuggle firearms through airport security. There's a story about a duck too...

School is back in session so it takes awhile to get rolling this time. The Emmi show distracts us as does Collin telling me what he learned. Willowcreek is in the news and Peaches hasn't even heard of it. We argue about what it means to be a "good" leader. Peaches reminds me of something I said previously and forces me to argue with myself. Peaches says nothing good comes from fallen ministries. I disagree. Good thing the kids are there to keep us from throwing punches.

This Episode: Dropped Fries and Bad Guys Who should replace our dropped fries? We discuss this and gripe about Chik-Fil-A's location policy. Emmi has a "big problem". Then we run out of stuff to talk about. So we talk about feeling guilty for not feeling a certain way during worship. You don't get credit for feelings. Collin and cowboys help us understand bad guys.

This Episode: We try to potty train Emmi

It's potty training time. The kids invent a Polaroid camera. I am suspicious to a guy in a jeep. Peaches sees cults everywhere. I'm sort of charitable to Hollywood actors. Donald Trump and Jordan Peterson are cult leaders. So is Armin Van Buuren.

It's our 100th Episode, Pkarlgh! Eat an oatmeal creme pie while you listen!

I talk with Peter Heck at Steak and Shake about gopher bark. Then, I forget to turn on the recorder at The Peaches house. Tabby and Marci join us and Marci has A LOT to say. In between Marci's outbursts, we discuss Christian education. We give kind of a Carlina update! We talk about how nauseating it is to hear divorced people talk about their newfound loves.

Road construction slows me down but it leads me to research agricultural equipment. It's time for me to get a more interesting name. The kids are agnostic about the Tooth Fairy. Collin accidentally remarks about a New Testament theology. Bad guys are defined. And I get accused of being a closet Calvinist...again. We try to figure out why atheists get upset about tornadoes. Collin faces his fear of elderly puppets. How much kindness do I have to give in order to make people believe the Gospel...?

This is a special episode and I'm not happy about it. The Peaches insisted we record this in order to clarify her position on the Dennis Hensley situation. (It's the previous episode.) As you already know, Pkarlgh, The Peaches doesn't put much stock in emotional responses and apparently, she was emotional during the last episode. I couldn't tell.

I'm a great dad so I'm attending to my daughter's wishes and publishing this special podcast episode. (sheesh)

My comedy class got hacked so we spend a few minutes talking about how to draw genitals. Emmi misunderstands the word "pants". Good teachers are always the weird teachers. Peaches actually says the N-Word!! (And forces me to edit this episode...) Grown-ups don't talk about scrying pools. Mostly, people don't care what we think. Then we try to figure out what to do with a person with a serious saw-related injury. Peaches says she's invincible but admits she'd be annoyed if she was sexually assaulted.

We ponder whether or not gorillas have souls and more importantly, whether or not haikus are an appropriate way of expressing it. A Christian lady gets upset with me for making fun of haikus (and nitwits)...

...by the way...Silas has a lot to say in this episode. A LOT!

What happens to dead branches? Don't you DARE say they get burned! If Atheism is just as good as Christianity, let's go be atheists! Waaay easier. Collin is upset with God for not inventing ice cream pizza.

THIS EPISODE - Kayden Arrives and Luke's Birthday Prank

Grandkid #6 is here. The Peaches cracks herself up telling me about the prank she played on Luke for his birthday. I confess my fan-boy status regarding Chris Pratt. Silas takes over the podcast with his jubilant chatter. The Peaches tells me about a rainbow flag scandal. Then we talk about Flat Earthers and I feel weird even saying that. God likes horses! Immigration ignorance is running rampant and I can't not mention it.

THIS EPISODE - A Christian counselor holds me accountable for my comments on Christian Counselors. The Peaches and I are in Charlie Gerber's office talking about Christian counselors. I do a pretty good job of stumbling over my words and Charlie is gentle and likable. We agree communication is difficult (I think...). Charlie gets accused of cherry-picking in a whole new way! Sadly, Charlie and I don't actually get into a fist-fight, instead we end cordially.

THIS EPISODE - Feminism and Question Everybody

The Peaches forces me to talk about stuff I don't want to by reminding me that I'm supposed to be open about everything on this podcast. We come up with another name for Firemen and decide it's offensive. Peaches reads Pkarlgh's attempt to hurt her feelings. (It doesn't work.) We chatter about the importance of telling the truth and how "authorities" aren't always trustworthy just because they've been educated.

I'm open to suggestions for new phrases to shout at the beginning of each episode. Atheism is the dumbest worldview in the universe. Peaches and I discuss how frustrated we get when people aren't willing to ask questions. I eat a lot of salsa and chips...you can hear the crunching if you listen closely. Peaches tells people to stop praying for each other and I am traumatized. Eventually we end up talking about televangelists and jet planes...and bowling.

When a friend demands I defend Rosanne Barr's racist tweet, I decline. (C'mon...Why should I defend her?) Peaches and I discuss how being a racist isn't the worst thing you can be. My son Timothy experiences an offense. My friend Laura gets offended in a drive-thru. We discuss the proper response to being offended.

Then we try to offend The Peaches. We fail. So we're asking you to send offensive tweets to her. Please use this format:

If ________ and ________ had a baby = Amanda.

Mandy shows her appreciation (sort of) for Luke's endless concern about when she travels. Luke admits he doesn't have a practice thumb.

Peaches talks bout the Enneagram tests. We try to figure out what we think about them. Essentially, they're slightly more respectable horoscopes. They're like fortune cookies without the cookie part. Of course, we can't even pronounce the name of the guy writing the Enneagram book, so we're probably not reliable sources of commentary. There are 9 personalities and as far as I can tell, we aren't any of them. But we can say for sure that our buddy Al Serhal is Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation.

As promised, a short video about how Klingons mate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_FXE2Hxxic

Peaches and I talk about Christian counselors and the awful advice they give couples about marriage. The problem isn't that they don't care. I was told that logic can be taken too far. I was also told that the truth is sometimes destructive. I'm pretty sure I disagree with both those things so I make a sandwich and discuss it while Collin and Cami make background noises.

While I eat a taco salad, we think about "incels". We feel bad for them not at all. Luke enjoys a sandwich from the comfort of his tractor. Amanda says some stuff about rich people that catches me off guard and makes me feel stupid. (I may have to kick her off the podcast after this episode.) We tend to share stuff we're proud of but Andrew worries about cat barf. Mandy disagrees with Beth Moore and I'm worried that she'll get kicked out of Christianity.

This episode is a conversation with Timothy about the unscrupulous policies of Facebook advertising. Tim maintains that it's buyer beware when you hit the 'boost' button on a Facebook post. I'm a little annoyed by the terminology. Tim's pretty savvy at Facebook advertising and he has little sympathy for those of us who don't know how it works. I think words like "boost" are misleading if they don't actually "boost" anything. It's a lively discussion and we probably will never agree about this...

Michael O'Brien joins me and The Peaches on this episode. He is a great singer but in my opinion, an even better conversation partner. We discuss marriage, adultery, homosexuality and modesty. If it wasn't for Michael "O", I'd probably never hear the word 'fornication' used on the podcast!

I have to apologize for the audio (so what else is new?). We recorded the conversation from a video conference call and the software doesn't handle us talking over each other very well. Of course, that didn't stop us from talking over each other.

Find Michael online at: http://www.michaelo.org/

The video version of this podcast is here: https://vimeo.com/266528683

Special mid-week podcast episode. I'm calling this "The Comedy Round Table". Just some comedians kicking around new material. It features Daren Streblow and Bob Smiley.

We missed last week, Pkarlgh. We'll explain ourselves in this episode. There is a lot of crunching and chip bag rustling. Ignore it. Sometimes we have a hard time with people we love. Sometimes they don't understand us. Sometimes they break our recording equipment. Peaches doesn't think Luke is capable of expressing his views so she joins his side and the two of them gang up on me to press his point. I try to hold my own outnumbered and alone. You can decide whether or not I succeed.

I'll tell you all about the mishap on Monday's episode. I appreciate your patience!

Turning over a new leaf, Pkarlgh. Tabby isn't happy with the quality of our podcast so she's here to set us straight. We've got an update from Pkarlinagh (and that is the first time I've tried to spell it that way). Tabby doesn't turn around when she hears her brother's name. Who (or what) is "family"? It's possible to love people even if they're bad spellers. Can anyone think of a time when Jesus gave someone a thumbs up? I can't... Subtraction stew, big feet and scholars.

Peaches and I talk about the podcast from a couple of weeks ago because you might have missed an important point, Pkarlgh. Holding a grudge is a skill that doesn't have any benefits. And we discuss the problem of putting children on television to discuss public policy.

The Farkas brothers breach hospital security and talk about badger tail shavers. Mike from FamilyLife radio has his first ever Shamrock shake and we're there with him! Kenn Kington and I describe the aftermath of our New York/Pennsylvania tour. There are helpful tips for arranging a comedy show PLUS the most effective method for treating your dog after a skunk attack. Is there such a thing as too much peanut butter? We answer this question (sort of). Kenn gives away the shirt off his back.

Love is complicated. We love you too much, Pkarlgh, to let you flounder in your relationships. Christian girls do what they think is right, and that's part of the problem. The Peaches gives the details of her own craziness. High expectations lead to unhappiness. I suggest that men really don't care about most stuff. The church seems to teach that men and women should be more like women. (Collin has a fit). The Peaches tells a few more stories to help me understand her childishness.

This Episode - Joe eats powdered leaves and we discuss a podcast I heard about mental health. Farkas Family pops in (no baby yet) and Joe voluntarily swallows a teaspoon of powdered moringa. Pkarlgh, feel free to send us suggestions for weird food Joe should eat on his birthday. The Peaches and I drive to Topeka and she confesses that she misuses the term slide projector.

This Episode - I achieve my best life now!

I'm playing a board game with the crew from Tim Hawkins tour. It's impossible to describe. You'll just have to listen, Pkarlgh.

Peaches talks about a book she got for Febmas. Emmi talks about something that even her mother doesn't understand. Godless thought requires abandoning the idea of evil which is utterly useless. (Emmi has some insights but we can't understand what she's saying.) Luke makes some disturbing comments about chest hair. Collin reveals the secret to comedy. We butcher some Star Wars impressions. We rebrand The Peaches for a parallel universe.

This Episode - People First Language

Collin informs me that he's not allowed to blow up his friends. Peaches gets blown up for putting Down's Syndrome in the wrong part of her sentences. We think it's worse to abort children for having Down's Syndrome than to call them "Down's Syndrome children" but that probably just proves we're intolerant bigots. Collin updates us on his bombing efforts (and his mother is none the wiser). Silas pukes but Cami and I handle it masterfully.

Peaches and Tabby join me and we leave it to you to figure out which one is talking. Luke gives me some frothing activated milk and it's generally alright. I gripe about character arcs on sitcoms because I have unrealistic expectations. Peaches wrote about "people first" language so of course, we talk about that. Tabby suggests a T-Shirt. Good friends have low expectations. I learn that people usually eat with their mouth full.

This Episode - Baby Silas makes his appearance!

We go to the hospital because Peaches had a baby! Grandma Turbo tells us about why she doesn't play the organ in church and helps us mispronounce some words. We invent a game "Sermon or Sphynx" that will probably sweep the nation. We try to figure out how much of your brain needs to be cut away in order to achieve perfect atheism.

This Episode: The kids help me decide what to do about my hearing loss.

Over at McKinney's today we discuss hearing loss. I suggest we clean my ears immediately and they ignore me. There is talk of ear candles. Mandy drags out her breast pump and IT'S PINK! Mandy and I discuss the celebrity scandals and how curious it is that anyone in Hollywood is actually scandalized by debauchery that has been taking place forever.

Peaches delivers her baby (not recorded on the podcast). We discuss whether or not there are VIPs in church. Donald Trump's latest offense is discussed and we decide it's not really that offensive. Collin buys a Tie Fighter. Then we veer into a discussion about artificial intelligence. Peaches sent me a video (which I didn't watch) and I try mightily to trick her into believing I know what I'm talking about.

THIS EPISODE - Andrew Branyan Housekeeping Tips!

Andrew is all set in his apartment. He stops by to explain what he's learned since striking out on his own. Then, he gives a few tips for anyone who wants to be a good employee. Dishtowels are important but we never think about them, so it seems. I'm curious about when a person MUST have a college degree and Andrew offers his insights.

We're pretty close to McBaby #4 birthday so we need to hurry up and finish this podcast! I talk to Peaches about her weight problem and then we discuss how to pray. Gratitude is something that shouldn't be turned over to machines. On the other hand, we could program robots to ignore us so we don't have to ignore each other. Emmi wakes up really crabby and cries in the background until we can't take it anymore. Supporting people who shouldn't be supported makes everything worse on Earth.

This podcast was made Christmas morning in our living room. It's got everything! Monk Coffee, Sore Throats, Placentas and BLTs!

My family gets together to eat noodles, pizza and talk about how loud we are. I ask my buddy Don about the best Christmas present he ever got. Then I wax philosophical about Holiday traditions and offer some humble advice for how to make the season merrier.

This Episode - Is Late!!

Had a family emergency that knocked me off schedule. This is what happens because I don't have minions or employees to do my bidding.

Peaches and I talk about bullying and some other stuff. You'll have to listen if you want to know it all.

Here's a link to go along with the Steve Martin reference:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1nYEH6EDwM

Cami gives her 6-year old version of famous axioms. Washing machines are sign of intelligence. Luke's budgeting system that's based on buying gigantic pizza. Then we figure out exactly what kind of cake Jesus would bake.

You can't be grateful to nothing. And when your school is rotten, just admit it.

This episode was recorded at my sister's house surrounded by my loud family. Bobby tells about taking Grandma Turbo to buy a gun. Turbo shares her idea for gun alternatives. I have an idea to make Thanksgiving cleanup a breeze (which impresses nobody). We fight about which board game to play and we talk smack about the Peache's baby names.

Luke has to fight for the right to use the last onion. How deep does a relationship have to go before we can tell somebody the truth? We try to figure out the best way to minister to Muslims. We try to figure out how to be truthful and loving at the same time (and probably fail). Christian Mommy Blogger makes headlines by marrying a chick. Hooray for love! Library's rent video games and I have a mini-crisis about that. Mandy shares her book idea and

Hey Pkarlgh, I barely made it this week! Just got this podcast done a few seconds ago.

Lulu Lemon update from Josh. Freight makes an appearance in a hat. Tim and I can't figure out why shirts have so many pins. Donald Trump...what else do I need to say. Poop is handy for monitoring your health. Moringa is good for you too. Barry Manilow hits, the Star Spangled Banner, gun control, and so much more!

THIS EPISODE - The Grand-baby gender reveal party. Chaos! But the mystery is solved. Lanums are on the way out the door when the podcast starts. We spend a few minutes talking about winning basketball games and unicorn babies. All the pregnant ladies talk babies (and there are lots of them). Genders are revealed. Names are discussed. It's awesome. We talk about inappropriate Thanksgiving food. Collin suggests a name for his new sibling and Joe fights reveals the manliest name in existence.

When you don't have good ideas, you block out other ideas. Simple as that.

That woman caught in adultery shows up again. And several people asked us to review a privilege foot-race video so we do that too. We're very accommodating, Pkarlgh!

If you can't explain your opponent's position, you have no right to your own. We kick around an idea for future podcasts based on this principle.

If you would like to know how to get yourself banished from a Christian university, David Pendleton walks us through the process. Apparently, there is more than one unpardonable sin.

I interview Tim and Marla to find out the secret for staying happily married for almost two whole weeks.

EPISODE - The most personal episode so far. My family talks about my Dad's mental illness. To kick things off, we listen in as my Dad rants at police officers who have come to take him to the hospital. Audio of my Dad taken in his front yard early one morning My sister's kids are almost as noisy as their mother... My brother makes an important point that Dad is not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. There are no chemical substances in his body. Bonnie doesn't remember as many specifics about Dad as the rest of us because she was pretty little. She does remember Dad's idea that the kids should buy their own groceries. Dad has never liked being wrong. He's always thought he was smarter than everyone else too. Audio of my Dad admitting that he is 'The Lord' HERE'S WHERE I MAY UPSET YOU, PKARLGH. Over the years my faith in psychology and psychotherapy has disappeared. I think mental illness is a spiritual problem. Mom suggests that we perform an exorcism. (I don't know how to do those...maybe there's a tutorial on YouTube?) David says demons aren't the whole problem. Darkness and depravity are things Christians talk about a lot without thinking about what they might look like when we actually see them. Mom talks about stuff that Dad did when he was younger. (She sort of says that science made him crazy but that's not what she meant so I let it slide.) Lucid dreaming, bending spoons and other weird stuff. Sometimes mental illness excuses bad behavior. Bonnie kills a fly and almost knocks out the lights. We ponder the question, "How do we know when we're 'normal'?" ...and we don't ever answer it. Bonnie discovers that she is out of Zebra cakes. We're shocked. We get nervous whenever anyone suggests that they completely understand the will of the Lord. Bonnie makes no carb pizza. Maybe because there are no Zebra cakes...? Personal preferences thankfully, don't define Christianity. Bonnie accuses my Turbo of open hostility toward guitar players. We know that's not true but we pretend we don't. We end up the podcast with our favorite stories of Dad's crazy exploits.

EPISODE - Tim Branyan Gets Married! You're invited to tag along for some behind the scenes stuff. My eldest son is getting married! I'm kind of busy but I'm going to try and capture a few conversations. I need help with my tie. The girls are wearing heels. And I complain about the double standards for bridesmaids and groomsmen. Peaches makes a run to Starbucks and explains how the barista assigned a new label for Tabitha. They seem to indicate that there is more than one bride in this wedding, which confuses me but I don't ask because I don't want to appear foolish. The groomsmen offer some conversation while they get ready for the event. It's really not that great...Timothy is surprised the photographers didn't come to take picture of the groomsmen getting ready. I get a few thoughts from Tim. He confesses that he cried during the rehearsal (but I already knew that). None of the guys can explain why my vest is pink. Apparently, the groomsmen didn't let any women know what color socks they were wearing because the socks are totally disrespectful. Peaches refuses to interview the bride prior to the wedding. She accuses ME of being annoying with the podcast machine. I'm kinda hurt but nobody can tell because I'm a rock. Tabby refuses to help me too. My niece is the only one who's remotely helpful and she's only 10 years old. Tabby interviews me in a sad attempt to replace the bride's interview. I do a poor job of explaining my point of view. Then everybody makes fun of my hair. I never do get to interview my daughter-in-law (Marla). But I do interview Andrew (the Best Man) and he reveals more stuff about Tim that everybody already knew. Then, I drop the podcast machine and destroy it. Turns out...I didn't destroy it after all. After the wedding, we have a lot of bubbles left over. This family can't seem to remember the bubbles. ...And I can't remember to turn the podcast recorder on. So I try to get Peaches to repeat our conversation but she refuses because she's easily annoyed. Mexican food should be served at every wedding reception. There, I said it. Cami offers her thoughts on the wedding which she distills into a single word. I'm skeptical that two matrons of honor can share the office equally but apparently it didn't bother anyone else. Peaches gives her impression of the wedding and it's shocking. SHOCKING! Luke is happy that Pintrest wasn't invented when they got married. We all were duly impressed with Marla's commentary during the reception. She's wise for her age. Tabby and Joe arrive and update us on the taste of their anniversary cake. Allen and Judy are here too. Judy's anniversary cake was flattened by a bad throw. The conversation then shifts to how easy it is to walk into places where you should not go. We discuss how easy it would be to steal stuff from church. Tabby argues with Allen about the freshness of Papa Murphy pizza. (She doesn't know what she's talking about.) Somebody mentions GFS so I give my mandatory sales pitch for the Christmas Cookie dough they sell. We discuss musicals and movies. (It occurs to me that we're not a cultured family.) The first animated movie my mom took me to see was a huge mistake. I don't remember much about it except that Mom felt horrible taking us to see it. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067749/) I finish with a personal insight regarding the wedding day.

EXTENDED EPISODE - Mike Goodwin talks about racism with Peaches and me! Spoiler Alert Mike is a black guy. Mike's on the phone so we get some of the audio weirdness that makes this podcast so beloved. It's the glitches that remind you we're humans, and amateurs, Pkarlgh. I've known Mike for quite awhile. We can't remember exactly how long so we estimate. I start by trying to pay Mike a compliment that is actually sort of an insult. A few weeks ago I thought it would be a good idea to do an uncontroversial show so I picked the subject of racism. I called Mike and he agreed to be on the podcast! First, with much anxiety, I assume Mike is a black guy. It turns out, I'm right. It seems black and African American used to be the same thing. Mike gives his perspective on people who 'don't see color'. Perhaps we need a better definition of 'black' to get a conversation going. People maybe would rather be polite than accurate. And perhaps our attempt to avoid racism results in the most racist statements. As the podcast continues and we discuss privilege, the military, Christianity, and comedy. (Eventually, the Peaches says stuff.) Mike tells white people 'what to do'. Finally, we have some directions! He also has some excellent advice for people no matter what color they happen to be. McGruff the Crime Dog had a different impact on Mike than he did on me. Grade school visits created conversations in his house that I never had. (The phone rings and scare the daylights out of EVERYONE. Then, somebody starts and engine outside my house or a vacuum or something. We need a soundproof studio but we'll never have one.) Some discussion of the Civil War happens next and we float some uncomfortable theories. I blame the Peaches for the awkwardness. We may do a comedy show about racism. What should that look like? Mike answers with sympathy for white guys...believe it or not. Peaches asks me about pitfalls of the potential comedy show. She links racism to feminism and the accusations that she is barefoot and pregnant all the time. (Barefoot not as much but she has been pregnant a lot...) We decided that we probably won't eliminate racism entirely. Probably... Mike has a doctor appointment so we wrap up. Mike mentions that 'Peaches' is a stripper name. He's not wrong but that's not why I call her that. Go see Mike's website, Pkarl. Be his fan too: http://www.comedianmikegoodwin.com/

In this EXTENDED EPISODE...The Farkas Family talks with me and Peaches about babies and socialism. PLUS - Background noises provided by Emery Jane throughout the show! Peaches knows the gender of her unborn child and refuses to tell us. Tabby has 100% success predicting the gender of children (prior to birth) and we quiz her about her own child. I offer my guess based on sound, scientific investigation. I try to explain how weird it is that we have a lot of Mike and Jennys. The kids don't think it's as weird as I do because they're pretty disrespectful. I try to explain another bizarre coincidence but screw up the details inviting even more mockery. It is apparently illegal in the Farkas family to have a child in the month of August. Eventually, we get around to criticizing Tabby because she accuses us of being argumentative when SHE is the one who argues. She tells us we're wrong which just proves our point. I reveal the only things that REALLY matters to me. Then we attack Tabby for her outrageous views on minimum wage. Tabby tells a story from where she works. We all decide that Tabby is actually a troll. She should live under a bridge and eat goats. Then the Tabster hypothesizes that career women don't like their careers. This is such a shockingly anti-feminist view that I'm on the verge of fainting just typing this sentence. Immigration comes up and we try to figure it all out because we're patriots who love our country. We fail. Sorry, America. There is a problem with equating legality with morality. And the law shouldn't be broken just because there's a hurricane. To some folks, separation of church and state means religious people should never speak in public. We are not those folks. When we start talking about labor laws, we get into some disagreements. So we remind you, Pkarlgh, disagreements do not mean we hate each other. Joe explains that employers want to pay employees the minimum possible. That's true. I have trouble convincing him that crappy employees are not desirable for the bottom line. Generally speaking, insurance and health care is a gigantic mess. We don't figure this out either. Sorry, America (again). I tell my aircraft engine repairman vs. floor sweeping guy story. It's something I'm very proud of that nobody else seems to appreciate. Peaches explains that money is a symbol that represents an agreement. Nobody appreciates this sentiment either. Morality and ethics can't be forced on anybody. Immoral people will break the laws. I had a conversation with a friend who told me he didn't trust "rich people". He didn't seem to understand that the government (who he did trust) was made up of rich people. The episode closes with the Tabby and Joe leaving so Joe can sleep and Tabby can do some voice-over recordings. If you want to hire Tabby to sell your product, hit me up on Facebook and I'll put you in touch with her. (If you want to sell swimming pools, DEFINITELY get in touch with her.)

THIS EPISODE: Hurricane Harvey and The Nashville Statement Turns out, every hurricane has a name! Which helps make the catastrophe personal, I guess. Peaches tells me about the hurricanes she remembers. We discuss the stuff that people send to hurricane victims that maybe hurricane victims don't actually need. It's the thought that counts! That's true but teddy bears are still less practical than food. Never been in a hurricane personally but I have survived a few tornadoes. It's important to prioritize activities during a disaster. This is something that not everybody is good at doing. Then Peaches tunes me out while I'm explaining this... And Joel Osteen. I've had to defend Joel Osteen recently. This does not please me. One of our favorite topics come up again...the Peach's arrogance. Then we try to figure out whether or not it's a good idea to keep prayer small at first until you get better at it... Peaches tells one of my favorite stories about how she fell in love with Luke anyway even after he destroyed her science project. Then, back on track...Joel Osteen has his flaws but I don't think he actually HATES people. And I don't think he's glad Houston was flooded. Briefly we mention that God 'not stopping' the hurricane and God 'causing' the hurricane are the same idea. Then we retreat from the topic because that's a can of worms for another day. Judging concepts is not the same a judging people. When the goal is to discuss a principle, it doesn't matter which specific person possesses the principle. It seems likely that people who don't like Joel Osteen would be critical of the poor guy not matter what he did after the hurricane. When we start quoting the Bible to other people without first applying it to ourselves...we should maybe, possibly, perhaps, back up a bit. Finally, we get around to offending our own church people. We ask why we wouldn't employ Osteen's tactics in order to emulate his success. C'mon, the guy is fabulously successful! Why are the other church guys upset with him? Sometimes, it's not Christianity that attracts people to church. And then the Nashville Statement. The outrage! The shocking statement that stunned the world by declaring that Christians get their doctrine from the Bible. It's unbelievable!!!! What's stunning is how many Christian (pastors!) would rather have good relationships with sinners than tell sinners the truth. John Pavlovitz sounds off on the Nashville Statement because he's much more in tune with God's thoughts than "evangelicals"....and Scripture. (I'm not a John Pavlovitz fan either.) Peaches keeps reading from his blog despite my desperate pleas that she stop. Peaches started a new blog. You can see it here: https://fundiessaythedarndestthings.wordpress.com/ If you don't want to be a Christian, then leave the faith. Stop hanging around and griping about Christian doctrine. Just go ahead and reject the Bible and be on your way! Weird how I'm hateful for taking a Biblical position while everyone who rejects the Bible is tolerant. Peaches reads the most recent ad hominem she's received. It's still warm from the idiot oven! An anti-Christian 'insult' turns out to be the perfect explanation of Christianity. It breaks the irony meter. Quickly, we return to criticizing Christians who can't deal with questions.

THIS EPISODE: I'm talking about being bullied by a handicapped person. Luke and Mandy (Peaches) join me. First, we're video taping the beginning of this podcast! It's fascinating but I can't do it for the whole episode because I am incapable of operating two devices at the same time. I tell the tale of a guy with Parkinson's scamming me. I gotta tell you, Pkarlgh, it bothers me to be lied to even when the liar is handicapped. The video ends and I ask the question, "Is it okay to lie to people as long as you're handicapped?" The Peaches doesn't comment right away so I yell at her. At times, it seems better to me to get ripped off than to deny someone who asks for help. Then I tell a story about a colostomy bag. Luke may have accidentally invented a fantastic technique for dealing with people who are asking for food. Emmi kind of throws a tantrum then goes suddenly silent. Don't panic, Pkarlgh. Luke just put her to bed. We ponder whether or not it's good to setup a GoFundMe account just because you want stuff (like pizza). Maybe some people don't have family to help them because they've alienated their family. BUT MAYBE NOT...We don't judge!* I had a guy ask me for money minutes after being mugged! (No kidding.) It seems important to note that Jesus didn't hand out cash to people. (Could be my hatred for the poor bubbling to the surface but I don't think so...) Peaches snaps at me when I try to interrupt her so I retreat (temporarily) to escape her wrath. She tries to make the point that Jesus didn't help people based on the color of their skin or their gender. (Then she points out that Jesus WAS a person of color! I'm telling you, Pkarlgh, she's out of control!) (Notice that Luke hasn't said much so far. He's still in the room. Hunkered in the corner just waiting to throw out an incredibly profound comment...) Peaches admits she's difficult to get along with and tries to blame it on a disability. We decide it's not possible to affirm or deny support for EVERY GROUP IN EXISTENCE! (Luke says some stuff but it's not the profound statement yet...keep listening.) I answer the question, "Do you like Donald Trump?" We confirm that riots do not effectively express an argument. Then, we sidetrack talking about urine filled balloon. And I offer a million dollar idea for you, Pkarlgh. It's right there, all you need to do is run with it! See you on Shark Tank! Peaches brings us back to the topic she wanted to discuss. When you're trying to decide whether to be pro-hatred or anti-hatred, you need to know which group stands for anti-hate and it's hard to know when they're both throwing pee filled balloons at each other. We make a decision about people who draw conclusions based solely on the source of an idea. (People who do this are idiots.) Then we talk about the American Disability Act and probably offend everyone who uses a wheelchair. We mention oil spills too. THINK OF THE TURTLES! (I didn't realize the microphone was so close to the coffee machine!! It kinda sounds like somebody is taking a leak but it's coffee. I promise.) I confess that I used to have anxiety using products from evil corporations. It would be a great idea to let racist, hateful people talk. Let them talk and talk. Then, nobody will pay attention to them. Then Luke unleashes a fantastic quote that would have ended the podcast if he had said it earlier. And then it's back t

THIS EPISODE: All Branyan Family - Butt Club, Tuxedos, Dawn Treader Chaos reigns on Sunday afternoons so when Marla (soon to be an official Branyan) tells me she's going to book club...I didn't hear exactly what she said. Then she tells me what IBTC stands for and I consider kicking her off the podcast. Timothy comes up a product that ought to be marketed. Tim's dog kinda looks like my wife's deceased dog (before he was deceased). Marla is reading 'Chasing Slow' and she gives a brief review. Cami decides this is a great time to wind up a music box and let it play next to the recorder... Tabby and Joe show up to discuss their dangerous driving habits. Luke (Peach's husband) wins the prize for most reckless. There's a banana split cake in the house and that brightens up the whole neighborhood. Tabby explains that there are pots at her house as an enticement to visit her. We're not motivated to go see them... Joe is hanging a mirror at his house and that gives us a reason to make a bunch of stupid 'stud finder' jokes. We sit down to eat a tub of left over church spaghetti. It's delicious. We spend a little time discussing video game morality. (I don't think shooting innocent bystanders in Fallout makes me a 'bad guy') Emmi sits on my lap and reads a bit. She's almost impossible to understand so we don't know if she's reading correctly or not. Since Tim and Marla left, we talk about Tim behind his back. He's planning to promote MMA fights and we try to imagine what that will look like. (Collin uses The Force on all of us) Tabby talks about how the theater affects her then gripes about being cut from Civic Theater. Then Andrew, Tim and I go to get fitted for Tuxedos. Tim is getting married and I give him a pop-quiz to see how much he actually knows about his own wedding. Then, I head to the McKinney house to eat KFC. I'm starving. The Peaches can't seem to get settled on a topic of conversation and I almost die of starvation waiting for this segment to get off the ground. Should we have a guest agitator on the podcast, Pkarlgh? Should Donald Trump specifically renounce the KKK? Then, later (and by that I mean, on another day) Tim and Marla come over so Tim can sell his house to Andrew. Apparently, Tim is struggling with illiterate home buyers. He does a good job of making a point even though there's a bird sitting on his head.

THIS EPISODE: Meet a girl who is terrified by Tim Hawkins. Plus, Peaches and I discuss the sinister evil that is Multi-Level Marketing and the impact it is having on stupid people. I catch a ride from the airport from a young lady who is afraid of Tim Hawkins. I'll try to help her deal with this unusual phobia. Peaches sets me straight on the difference between leggings and Spanx. I'm not sure she's correct but I don't have data to refute her. The entire concept of tight undergarments seems dishonest to me. The multi-level marketing phenomena is apparently destroying the finances AND the spiritual welfare of western culture. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't think so. The Peaches reads an article from a hapless woman who has been victimized by the promise of profits. It is difficult to earn a lot of money in an MLM because...it's difficult to earn a lot of money PERIOD. It may not be because MLM is evil...but let's just assume it is. It seems that good business practice is important, even if you're doing MLM. The profits aren't automatic. Huh. That comes as a complete surprise! Generally speaking, people who are trying to sell you something are not always the most reliable counselors about whether or not you should buy that something. In other words, salespeople don't usually give unbiased financial advice. More evil! Peaches tells about the time a can of air freshener almost cost her twelve hundred bucks. Some words of advice, Pkarlgh, when someone gets you to say "yes" several times in a row, hang on to your checkbook. I talk a little bit about a pair of marooned women who smoked a lot of cigarettes and left me to watch their car. There are some people who believe that wealth has NOTHING to do with activities. Some people believe that money falls out of the sky randomly. These people get mad at the universe (or "rich people") because they're horrible managers of money. I can't figure out why drug dealers seem to live in slums when drugs bring in A LOT of money. Then I tell a story about the time I quit my job. I'm not telling the story to make you think I'm awesome, Pkarlgh. I'm just telling you what tends to happen when you have a good work ethic. FREE GASOLINE! Peaches explains why women are not good employees. (If you aren't totally insulted, I think you'll agree with what she says.) If you work at Google, you might disagree. Priorities matter. You can be rich if you prioritize it, but it's going to cost you something. Peaches explains how insurance works to Cami (who is 6 years old). Then I check back with the girl who is afraid of Tim to find out if she has conquered her fears after actually meeting him.

In This Episode: I'm in the Green Room with John Crist. And the Peaches and I discuss victims.

Way up North in Alaska. Driving around in cars. Eating Boston Baked Beans and talking about Moose.

THIS EPISODE: On tour with Tim Hawkins and the Poddy Break Crew. Lots of talk about pretentious sweat pants, Pkarlgh. If you are on the fence regarding Lulu Lemon...this is the podcast for you. Backstage with Tim Hawkin's crew while we try to figure out what to eat for lunch. Josh tries to convince me that $100 bucks is reasonable for a pair of sweat pants. And Josh, the merch guy, helps keep me informed on the important topic of which side of the stage he will come from. Plus T-shirt distribution strategy. Lots of behind the scenes information about the secret to Caleb's sense of well being. And even more discussion of Lulu Lemon. Dave Lower (our promoter) gives a matter of fact opinion that gives perspective to the boys. He is, of course, ignored. Then we re-open the debate about 'comfortable'. We will never settle this issue but that will not stop us from fighting about it for the rest of our lives. The comfort question spills over into a debate about queso, guac and breaded chicken. Foolishly, I allow the conversation to turn toward board games so the crew can mock me again. Whatever. We make plans to go to the gun show and see some kind of animal water-ski. ( SPOILER It's a squirrel...) Then, we get on the bus and prepare to record an episode of Tim's Poddy Break. Freight uses a naughty word for drunk (which I cut out) and then we admire Tim's pants because we love America. We have a conversation about names and people who should change theirs. Then we bring Tim up to speed on the skiing squirrel. See the spectacle (and Freight's reaction) here: https://vimeo.com/226738681

THIS EPISODE: Bob Smiley joins me (and The Peaches) in our first-ever VIDEO CONFERENCE PODCAST! It is a technological marvel. We talk pretty frankly about divorce. I forgot to record the first technological marvel so this is our 2nd conversation. I'm not to be trusted with technology. I need supervision... Bob talks about his many podcast invitations from people who are just as inept as me. Bob talks about divorce, marriage and online dating. His divorce has affected his comedy in several big ways. It has also impacted his Halloween costume storage options. After admitting that Peaches is even stricter than God, there is lots of talk about integrity and vows. Maybe we should change our wedding vows to better reflect our intentions. Marriage will always be assaulted by trials including facial hair experiments. And changes in deodorant. Married people need to be clear about the deal breakers if they exist. Peaches compares marriage with child rearing. It's a little weird but she might be right. Selfishness affects all relationships, not just marriage. Bob has some insight on this topic. He's also painfully ignorant of Bonanza characters. Then Bob talks about dating after 18 years of marriage. It fascinates me and bewilders me at the same time. Plus terrifies me. I try to ask a question and end up saying stupid things that might offend you, Pkarlgh. This is what happens when you produce a podcast without editing. "First dates are just looking for the crazy." And maybe your "picker" is broken. Peaches, the hopeless romantic, explains her clinical, calculated thought process for selecting a mate. Bob actually gives us a tour of his walk in closet. You can see it on the blog. (Beware of motion sickness.) https://vimeo.com/225273234 We finalize with the thought choosing someone is better than needing someone. Then Bob disconnects without saying goodbye...

THIS EPISODE: The infamous Jonnie W. Lots of comedy talk that's interesting to us and probably pretty dull for Pkarlgh but that's what happens when we don't operate with a script, or goals or even common sense. It's a phone call so Jonnie sounds very much like a Cylon (which isn't a bad thing, really.) It all started with 8 minutes of hell. And went downhill from there. (I made up that second part.) Jonnie and I talk a lot of "shop" in this episode. We get a brief "origins" story and then it's all comedy. Comedy often comes from shy, insecure people. Jonnie W. is no exception. Awkwardness is dreadful if you can't laugh past it. Introverts and reclusive personalities seem to gravitate toward stand-up. Which is awkward... Remember the groundswell of Christian comedy that swept the country a few decades back? No? That's because that never happened. There's some secret talk about what happens on the Tim Hawkins tour bus. Then we talk more about writing material, making our families laugh, insecurity and joy. We try out some raw comedy from our notebooks. Raw comedy is always...raw. Then it's over... Go see Jonnie W's website: www.jonniew.com Also...here's a little bit of the amazing David Kaplan (whom I discussed on the podcast) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3cANK1VJlo

THIS EPISODE: We're not going to make the Peaches personal issue a matter of universal importance. The "Milk Mafia" returns. Peaches gives a spirit filled update on the state of breastfeeding awareness. And while this topic makes you squeamish, Pkarlgh, this isn't really all about breastfeeding. It's about self-awareness. It's about selfishness. And we discuss it with our usual irreverence. A girl was killed by an exploding can of whipped cream. This has to end... We contemplate the ceremonial difference between the first child and the 2nd child's milestones. Peaches still claims to love her children equally but the evidence proves otherwise... DISCLAIMER: There's some drama coming! Pkarlina received a vulgar Facebook post! You've been warned... I don't think it's strange to introduce yourself to people via printed flyers. Peaches thinks it's weird to put breast milk on breakfast cereal. She's so closed minded. Attention and approval are kinda like drugs. When you get addicted, you never have enough. Public rights are different from private rights. This is the real issue. (It's not about breastfeeding, really...) When you don't care what other people think of your behavior, you're often being a jerk. The application is this. Are there Christian people who treat their Christianity like breastfeeding? (Yes! There certainly are!) I give a super helpful illustration (using roller-blading) to reveal when you're behavior might be inappropriate. We reminisce about sometimes when we had to do stuff we didn't really want to do and Cami terrorized other children in the church nursery. Mom's are great. They really are! And they're the most dangerous creatures on Earth at times. There are no normal people. Everyone is abnormal. Everyone is terrible. Everyone. Boys aren't supposed to hit girls and some girls are taking full advantage of that!

THIS EPISODE: Bed Wetting Philosophy with Kenn Kington. Recorded while I paced around the neighborhood waiting for Andrew to finish mowing a lawn. This is a good conversation, Pkarlgh! I wish the telephone was a little clearer. Kenn Kington starts with some cataclysmic pronouncements regarding laundry. This could change everything! Turns out, you can turn a profit if you know how to operate a clothes dryer. And there are other benefits. The historical reason why Kington has mastered the art of laundry is both provocative and inspirational. Society needs more responsible bed-wetters. That's all I'm going to say. Guilt and embarrassment are normal parts of life. Kenn thinks we've lost the value of shame. I'm embarrassed that he would say that... Kenn tells me about a baseball player who threw his career away because of past sins. We talk about honesty and my nephew's giant head. Goiters and birthmarks come up as well. I think maybe everybody in heaven will have a purple face. We exchange stories about how comedy does things we never expected or planned. Andrew drives home from mowing the lawn and it's almost dramatic for a bit. Then Kenn tells about meeting the Prime Minister of Uganda and Andrew's driving is not that big a deal. Kenn wants to be controversial next time he is on the podcast so we discuss a few topics that might make us fight with each other. I offer to let the Peaches talk about 'game theory' and the patriarchy...that'll upset EVERYONE.

THIS EPISODE: The Game Convention! and Father's Day! In the car, Jason and I head to Columbus Ohio to get our 'geek on' at the game convention. We're meeting JT at the Convention Center and he is the original game geek. In fact, it's his fault that I am currently addicted. It's my fault that Jason is addicted. We are pretty jazzed about the trip and about finding a place to have lunch. We give a brief glimpse (very brief) at nightlife in the game convention...then we plunge into a game and forget to podcast anything. We recorded some breakfast conversation but a baseball team was eating nearby and they were sooooooo noisy I couldn't use the recording. Back in the car, Jason and I talk about metal dice and cooperative board games and the philosophical implications of each. On the drive home, we try to figure out if we'd pay 100 bucks for a dice tray. There's some road noise, but you're used to that by now...We discuss the games we bought and why we bought them. Then we talk about the greatest game of all time and choke back tears reminiscing. (This is the greatest game in the world https://goo.gl/vuhhuK) I tell Jason about the time I played this game with Pendletons and thought they were hating it. Then I demonstrate my deep love for "Lords of Waterdeep". Then I give some valuable advice for how to make Yahtzee a much better game. Jason and I confess how we dominated at Dead Men Tell No Tales. Then we find a Skyline chili and lose interest in everything else. Then it's Father's Day and I try to get the family to explain what's wonderful about me. It's more difficult than I expected it would be. There's a great big spider on the wall and the conversation is dominated by that. Grandma Turbo shows up unexpectedly and throws around Silver ointment. Tabby and Joe show up too! Turbo makes a big announcement about her new adopted responsibility. The spider comes up again in conversation because Andrew is paranoid. Grandma Turbo explains how to get rid of spiders. Andrew offers his own method of pest disposal. Tabby offers her rules for showering with spiders.

Okay. I didn't get any interviews from the CCA Conference. I'll make it up to you! I promise! THIS EPISODE: Driving home from Iowa I encounter more toll booths than any three people experience in a lifetime. This prompts me to suggest some slogans for the State of Illinois. Then I talk about the weariness of travel and encourage you to check out my online comedy course: (Http://school.johnbranyan.com) Confessing to the Peaches that I didn't follow through with my promise is like having a weight lifted off my shoulders. Emmi destroys the house. I recap some of the people at the CCA (who I didn't interview). Daren Streblow told a joke about canned peaches that almost killed me. I promise I'll get Daren on the podcast. Soon... Peaches and I have a conversation about somebody who is moving to Seattle because it's not Indiana. As we are well aware, the Midwest is hell on Earth. Lots of people have the idea that a change of venue will magically make them happy. We talk about 3 guys going out to Seattle to sleep on someone's couch. That's the plan. The West Coast is so excellent, the vagrants are a better class of deadbeat. If you can't be happy where you are, maybe it's not where you are that's the problem. My Dad has some swollen legs and I'm tasked with figuring out how to force him to exercise. I try putting a duct tape path on his carpet. Cami confesses that she contemplated being a boy but she forgot about 3 important things about girls. It's profound. Then I have a brief talk with Kenn Kington. He tells me about open heart surgery and lawn mowing. Kenn will be back on the podcast soon and he's going to do some yard work for me!

I'm at the Christian Comedy Association convention today, Pkarlgh! Gonna be A LOT of weird interviews next week (maybe for the rest of my life). So stay tuned. THIS EPISODE: I'm setting up the Springapalooza show with Peter Heck because we're small potatoes and we can't afford a road crew. You can listen in while I helpfully carry around my recorder and Peter does stuff. There's a strict dress code and I enforce it with one of the other performers. I dial a telephone. We are trapped inside the theater. We died of starvation. That's not true. Instead, we disconnect America from the internet and I play one of the greatest songs of all time for Peter and he doesn't appreciate it because he's a grouch. Then the podcast moves to Pizza Hut where we discuss Luke's most recent show while pasta flows like water. Luke makes a suggestion for how Andrew should make a living after graduation. He's probably going to be living in my basement for a century. I quiz Lori to see if she remembers what I told her about pizza being proof that God exists. (She doesn't.) The Peaches offers a philosophy about plants and gluttony. Andrew weaves a few tales about his lawn mowing experiences (lots of bees). Lori and I kinda of argue about desire to learn. Emmi makes a lot of noise in her high chair... The kids are amazed that I don't want to learn how to build a trebuchet. We end with a sad story about a ruined strawberry dessert. Peaches and I finish last week's discussion about the pregnant girl who wasn't allowed to walk across the stage at her graduation ceremony. We make excuses for ourselves making excuses. The idea that 'it could happen to anybody' is wrong. Some stuff won't ever happen if you don't want it to. And even in a hurricane, shoplifting is wrong. I tell Peaches what she taught me when she was a tiny baby.

(I've decided that the podcast needs more explosive language.)

THIS EPISODE IS PACKED WITH SUCH EXPLOSIVE CONTENT, WE HAD TO BREAK IT INTO TWO EXPLOSIVE EPISODES!!

Peaches and I talk about sologamy while Emmi tries to say peanut butter. Self-marriage is a thing that's not actually recognized as a thing but those who do it don't seem to care. Whatever. It seems a bit crazy to talk like a married couple when you're an unmarried single. Try as I might, I can't get Peaches to rant about it so we talk about other relationship stuff. And women who don't want babies...

Luke and I drive home from a show in Illinois and talk philosophically about comedy for a few minutes. (It sound's like we're driving into a waterfall but we're fine. Don't worry, Pkarlgh.)

Back with the Peaches we discuss the correlation between having children and broken computers. We have a million dollar idea that we'll probably never get around to bringing to market so it's all yours, Pkarlgh. You're welcome. I'm then startled to learn that sometimes Peaches doesn't want to bake cakes! We ponder the importance of pants in civilization.

Then we start a brief conversation about a pregnant girl who isn't allowed to walk across the stage at her commencement. It turns into a two-part dialogue...

Graduation looms close and the family discusses what to serve at our dual graduation party. Triangles are important. We seem to suddenly be concerned with appearing 'classy'. Andrew is bombarded with suggestions for senior pictures. Then he gives a command performance on his ocarina. You're invited to the graduation Pkarlgh! The grandkids are summoned from the room because they were eating birdseed in the playroom (not all of them, just Emmi). We discuss weird world records. We've thrown open the suggestion line too, Pkarlgh. You can suggest world records for me to break. Send suggestions to tabby@johnbranyan.com . Road Trip! Got a show with Luke McKinney and we piled into the ole' mini-van. We discussed comedy clubs and 'clean comedy'. Apparently Luke was the funniest guy on stage at our last show! So the competition is heating up. We discuss bad comedy and Todd Hawkins name comes up. I can't control the conversations! I just operate the recorder. There's no such thing as 'funniest' and I stand by that! Nobody agrees with me but I don't care. Then we discuss how cupcakes are a good indicator for how good the week has been. Luke explains his comedy goals. And I offer a suggestion for you, Pkarlgh, if you ever want to suffer abject humiliation. I've included a short clip from Luke's set that totally threw me off my game. You can listen to it... Our gang went to 'The Escape Room' in Indianapolis. We were supposed to steal the Mona Lisa. We almost got away with it but ran out of time. I blame everyone else. Lori almost runs over some folks (though she says otherwise). I retell the story about the time I got hit by a bus and earned my nickname. Tabby reminds us of everyone's nicknames (which she assigned). Then we remember one of our favorite memories from our family cruise a few years back too. I have an idea for a Comedy getaway at a resort. Would you want to come to something like that, Pkarlgh? Andrew talks with me about Senior Skip Day. It's pretty inspiring. Also, Kiki the bird chirps some.

What is a good name for a fish? Cami and Collin answer this important question. The Peaches tells us the name of a kid she met at daycare who should grow up to be a supervillain. Emmi sings a song she learned in Sunday School. Lyrically, it needs work but we think it's adorable anyway. Then I drive to Lafayette to meet with one of our favorite people, Al Serhal! I'm looking forward to a spirited conversation. It'll be great! Then I drive home after my conversation with Al Serhal which he won't let me record. So I gripe about what a loser he is. Then I decide to stop in and visit grandma Turbo (another favorite on the podcast). THIS is also a disappointment! It's a crushing series of failures but I soldier through admirably. Peaches and I discuss ADHD for a few minutes. But I can't focus long enough to have any answers. I try to capture Collin sleeping but I'm too late. He awakes! I record a few unhappy groans but no good snores. I come up with a brilliant idea for 'part time children'. I'm not sure how to implement it though since I'm pretty sure it's illegal. I take some pot pies out of the microwave and disaster strikes. A few moments of reflective thought brings revelations about the conduct at Mexican Restaurants. Forks are the chosen instrument for eating pot pies. Over some piping hot pot pies, Peaches and I discuss something that I told her not to talk about until we started the podcast. The millennials think they can have careers that are just about themselves. Famous is an occupation now! (It's also Cami's birthday.) True to form, we criticize things we don't fully understand and then turn around and contradict our criticisms when Peaches brings up 'The Brick Show'. Then, I say one of the most ironic things I've ever said. We talk about doing right when nobody notices. Maybe heroes are laying underneath toilets and we mostly don't ever see them. "A Day In The Life of John Branyan" would be a dreadful program. Positively dreadful...

It's been a tough week for me, Carl. I kept forgetting to turn on the podcast thing and missed a whole bunch of stuff. So, I forced the Farkas Family (Tabby and Joe) and Andrew to talk about toilet paper a second time. It's not as good as the first time but you'll get the gist of it. We talk about how useless your butt is for determining softness. There should be a standard for how much toilet paper a person uses. Plus, Joe confesses that he STANDS UP when he wipes. You must hear it to believe it! (Again, it seems that whenever Tabby is on the podcast we talk about stuff like this. Coincidence?) There are stories of awkward walking and hugs too. Then I go to dinner with "Mrs. John". Lori and I talk about the weather. I'm worried about trees. She doubts me. Dinner goes pretty well but is wrought with disappointment for my wife. Lesson learned. Never set your heart on deep fried pickles. I query her to find out who else besides me will take her for prime rib dinner. I've got to meet with Peter Heck to discuss our upcoming conference. I need to drive across town through the cold rain. Will I make it? I made it. Then I record some of the conversation with Pete but not all of it because he kind of whines and makes fun of me. Then I use a word that I apparently don't know the meaning of. Harry Truman comes up because that's the kind of thing that happens when Peter Heck talks. I don't know East from West. I don't understand timezones. And I'm the one who's planning our road trip. Pete makes plans to go to Cone Palace. It's closer than the Sea of Tranquility. We expose the scam that is 'snow cones'. Finally, we're on the road to the 414 conference with the Peaches. Pete is in the back seat griping. I'm driving Mandy's Jeep which is a stick-shift. Everyone (except the Google nav voice) is nervous. Peaches can't tell her right from left. Eventually, we discuss the drainage council. We hate mini-vans but eventually we all get one. Mercifully, Pete puts his headphones in and begins ignoring us.

This week, I travel the world. Starting out on the bus with Tim Hawkins' crew I expose the inner secrets of Poddy Break. We'll peer behind the curtain to reveal the truth about this alleged 'off the cuff' phenomenon. I try to figure out what Trigonometry is used for too. We field a few questions from listeners for the Poddy Break gang. We discuss children's artwork. Tim confesses that he always thought he was great at everything. Apparently, Eskimos have 100 definitions for snow but we have no proof of that. I'm criticized for my pronunciation of 'era'. Robots are worse but nobody criticizes them. Tim is worried about artificial intelligence. We wind down the first part of the Poddy Break episode when we wake Freight up. I've got some criticism for these guys, but you'll have to listen to Poddy Break to hear it. (We're overlapping episodes!! How cool is that!) Then things fall off the rails and I switch off the recorder for awhile... The recording from my show in West Virginia is totally awful. Can't use it. I did capture a short exchange with a guy in the audience though. He talks about farts. (To be clear, I started it...). It's inspirational. I've got a few things to discuss with Carl on the way home from West Virginia. (God, Evil, toll booths and Pop Tarts). Then...we finalize the Poddy Break episode. It's pretty noisy on the bus...sorry. Couldn't do much to fix the audio. We talk about cats, chickens, and Bob Ross. Plus, what's the best thing to watch when you want to fall asleep?

Grandma Turbo and Tim show up to help the Peaches and me struggle to find a topic. Eventually, Turbo voices a complaint and we are shocked ! Emmi is outraged! Then, I take a drive with Andrew to school because his overly complex alarm system fails him. He's late for school but because he's a senior, he couldn't care less. We discuss his plans for the future. It doesn't take too long. I tell him what I learned reading ceramic drink containers. The Peaches brings Emmi over to chew on the dog's toys. There is a discussion about parents who can't leave their kids in the church nursery. And sometimes people don't believe God exists and these two things are related. I recount a tale of the shoe less worship leader. Maybe sermons should contain more swear words. There's much talk about the wisdom of focusing church programs on people who don't go to church. There's a story about the time the cops came to VBS to arrest Lori. Kind of a hodge-podge this week but that's how some weeks go. Next week, I'm on the bus with the Poddy Break crew and there will be some discussion about that....

Ladies and Gentlemen, the battle begins! If you've ever wondered, "what does his family think of this?" ... this is the episode for you! There is some joviality scattered throughout, but trust me...this is a fight. It's about as "nasty" as we get. Sometimes my family doesn't understand me. Sometimes I don't understand them. And when this happens, we fight! This is the rawest episode we've ever done. Our fights don't usually result in broken furniture (though Timothy can share a story sometime) but we occasionally need to clear the air. Feelings get hurt. Apologies need to be made. Tabby and Tim are upset at Peaches and me for the way we talk on the podcast. And the way we write the blog. Tim and Tabby are 'feelers'. Peaches and I are 'thinkers'. This is the basis for the blow-up. Tim doesn't think I should mess around in the blog comment section (sorry Carl). Tabby doesn't like the conversations splashing over into 'family time'. We drink some of Andrew's Sangria soda pop. It's a good discussion since the T's (Tabs and Tims) articulate exactly the criticism that comes from other Christians about what we do. It kind of stings, frankly. The T's accusation is that we enjoy making people look foolish. We merely view the commentary as entertainment. Tim's term is, "Battle Buddies". Tabby raises a pretty good point with Mandy's beef about J.K. Rowling. Eventually, we have to figure out if it's worth it to say true things when it's going to cost you friends. And what, exactly IS the end goal? Some squabbling breaks out because I promised food and didn't deliver (but I did). Everybody starts talking at once and it's hard to hear anything but I think I get called out for being an old guy who doesn't understand how the internet works. The kids defend the folks who argue with me. Also, I'm mean. Tabby summarizes her wishes. It's hard to hear but she's expressing her feelings. (I'm ALWAYS uncomfortable when feelings are expressed...) Tim still thinks we're 'ineffective'. Tim doesn't need Mandy's help. We get a phone call so Tim makes fun of me for still having a phone at home. Then we blow Tim's mind with the idea that some people are just not going to like us and we're okay with that. Then I tell my sewer analogy which doesn't seem to impress everyone as much as I thought it should. Tim and Mandy fight about the Pony Express (essentially). There is an odd question from Tim and he doesn't like Mandy's answer. It appears that without Yahoo Messenger, Amanda would still be single. Then Tabby observes that we don't poop rainbows. Tim thinks I'm a douche. Farkas family exits but not before everybody talks over each other again. Tim and Mandy go back and forth for awhile. It is amazing how these two came from the same set of parents! In the end, we're going to be okay I think.

There's a storm a comin', Carl!

Too much for one episode. I had to break the recent conversation into two pieces.

Timothy and Tabby (and Joe) come over to tell me how they feel about my blogging. In essence, they hate it. Since that's an awkward conversation, we spend this episode making small talk and building up our courage for the confrontation (which will happen next episode...)

This episode contains random bits about:

Driving, employment, rednecks, punctuality, weather, auto repair, trailer hitches, chainsaws, ethnic kids, moms, responsibility, friends, butter cookies, tacos, riches, nerds, hobbies, Runescape, grinding, Pintrist, serving sizes, ring tones, employment (again), hipsters, school, brooms, science, tear gas and cake

...and much more!

This lays a firm foundation for next week's battle.

I'm driving around with the Peaches (though it sounds like we're riding on the outside of a train) talking about the who controls the world. I received a helpful pamphlet from some door to door evangelists that answer this question. Actually, my Dad received this pamphlet but I stole it from him before he had a chance to read it. Peaches doesn't know the difference between Laurel and Hardy and Penn and Teller. I don't know what to think about this. Laurel and Hardy were important during her childhood years. And she's pleased when she learns that she understood a joke from that classic film. Also, she finally understands the joke from Mary Poppins about a pig with a wooden leg. Then, I call out my son-in-law for listening to Tim Hawkin's podcast but not listening to mine! He flees instead of facing me... We spent the afternoon at the McKinney house because my kids were going to fight with each other and I wanted to record the event. Lori lost her phone. I put the fight into context. Peaches claims she is fearsome. Tabby allegedly has to work. My wife eats some weird stuff for lunch. We consider going to do a remote podcast with Tabby. Then we talk about how Cami graciously forgives her brother for shoving her off a cliff. Cami still loves him despite this kind of behavior. Tim stands us up and I call him to confront him. He's on the phone and does a terrible job of defending himself. He refuses to admit he's a loser. Prideful whelp that he is...He doesn't even know who Carl is! It's so sad. Luke tells us what kind of movies he likes. Mandy doesn't like War Room and I'm appalled. Christian films are worthy of discussion so we discuss them. Christian novels are alike in so far as they're alike. Plot twists, foreshadowing, characters, we talk a bunch about movies and books. (Arrival we liked.) I give my impression of God's Not Dead and if you listen long enough, it's favorable (really). Calvinism makes a brief appearance again (sorry). The babies wake up and the decibel level climbs steadily. We can't tell you names of these babies but you can hear them in the background. Mandy recommends a television show to me. Reluctantly, I admit that TBN might be used by God. Peaches tells a story about a Muslim who converts to Christianity. It's pretty cool. Luke describes the ideal Christian film. The Peaches suggests that they separate their children by gender and each parent raise them independently. Andrew describes the perfect Christian film. The book is always better than the movie except for when it isn't. We discuss reading levels in the US. My first encounter with illiteracy blew my mind. Once you know how to read, you can't not-read stuff. We imagine what it would be like to not be able to read. Then we wonder if married people are still betrothed. Bad spellers are still smart. This upsets me but it's true. Mispronounced words are common among homeschooled kids (at least at our house). Lori rounds up the wild children and takes them to Rural King. We'll hear about that a little later, no doubt. Working on a theory as to why children are missing a sock when it's time to leave. Sleepy people do funny things. They also pee in weird places. Dreams may reveal something about a person's self-confidence level. Or maybe not. Luke explains how he has never failed. Ever. A brief discussion of techniques for finding treasure (or trash) on the bottom of a lake.

If you like diapers and philosophical conundrums, you'll enjoy some of this episode. Jump into the conversation at The Comedy Sojourn blog! I meet Peter Heck at McCalister's to discuss our upcoming comedy show. He brings me a present. I criticize the name he chose for his apologetics seminar. We get to the business of planning the event. This should be fascinating for you, Carl. You can watch the masterminds do their work! The Peaches is all worked up about poor people. This is because she hates them. She quotes Stephen Colbert and we try to figure out if the United States is a Christian nation. She admits that she wasn't paying attention in church. I'm appalled. Separation of church and state is a pretty good idea if you don't think about it too much. Would Jesus advocate welfare? After some deliberation, we conclude that Jesus probably wasn't a Republican. Annoyingly, the New Testament seems to be talking to me, not the 'government'. Peaches and I know some actual, real-life, poor people and we actually care about them! It's possible that there aren't any real poor people in the United States but we're NOT going to talk much about that. Cami is 5-years old and refers to her friend Olivia as 'BFF' and we're not sure how she learned that term. Compassion International is a great organization that doesn't have a godless equal. (Sorry. That's true.) Why would you want a pile of money when you can have a rickshaw? Eating money is a good way to get dirt in your gut. You can't take credit for doing good things when somebody holds a gun to your head. Sometimes, we need to decide whether to buy food or anti-aircraft shells. Don't judge. Caring about poor people is especially important if you need things to Tweet about. The Peaches is morally superior! If you don't believe it, she'll say it again. She gets pretty loud and I'm a little frightened. Then she mentions Jesus and I relax a bit. I'm not trying to start a fight but conflict is ALWAYS wrong. Jesus never said anything that upset people. We wrote quotes that are perfectly circular. We're pretty proud of them. Then we talk about an atheist advice column that I found. An atheist quoted scripture to me. Called me out for not behaving like Jesus. The same Jesus he insists never existed. Woohoo! The same dude wouldn't admit that hypocrisy is bad. It's a merry, rollicking conversation about incoherence. Paul because 'all things to all people' and we think that's a pretty fun way to have conversations. Maybe people who are 'compassionate' and 'kind' are actually just chicken. It's our standing policy to not talk about the Bible with people who think the Bible is useless. We don't talk about God with people who don't believe in God. And we upset people on both sides. I'm trying to figure out what I mean by "me". Personally, I don't know what "I" is. The question is, "What is you?" We discuss the evil of giving ultrasounds to mothers without explaining what the ultrasounds actually shows. Deception is handy when you're wanting to keep abortion legal. It's hard to keep fools from looking foolish. Laughter isn't hatred. Ridicule is not a lack of affection. Truly!

My podcast thingy broke and the first, violence-laden, conversation about Calvinism disappeared from existence. First, though, what is up with the Big Mac? Good grief, McDonalds... Dave Pendleton graciously agreed to repeat the conversation and so we armed ourselves for battle and plunged into the debate. So, Calvinism...what is it? Is it right? Am I really using the word as an insult? Dave thinks I'm unfairly portraying the views so I give him a chance to set me straight. We try to remember the TULIP for Calvinism and end up needing to Google it. Sad. David is not a 'hard' Calvinist. I'm not a 'hard' Armenian. Neither of us have had enough coffee to even have this discussion but we do it anyway. There are a lot of really great thinkers who can make a case for Calvinism and none of them are on this podcast. Do we take some credit for salvation? David says, "yes". I says, "no". We break beer bottles and slash at each other with the jagged pieces. Do we have free will? David says 'sort of'. I say 'yep'. We hack each other with machetes. I give my excellent illustration for how Jesus is like Chik-fil-a. I say it's a great illustration but Dave still doesn't immediately renounce Calvinism. So...that's a little disappointing. My friend is annoyed that people want to take "credit" for salvation. I shoot him with a spear gun. We wonder why God bothered giving us brains if we aren't supposed to use them. Ultimately, there is no disagreement between us. So we go at each other with ball bats because we're still pretty worked up from before. Maybe we can't take credit for anything. What is 'motivation' if there's no free will? Sort of a license to take Sunday off and quit trying to teach Christians stuff. This is good news for people who like naps! Dave swings a pool cue at me. I lay out an explanation of what I call "Theological Determinism". Then I push Dave into a barrel of sulfuric acid. We mention R.C. Sproul a few times and wish he had been available to talk to us. Sent me Sproul's cell number and I'll give him a jingle for next time. Nobody has perfect theology so maybe we should just give up the conversation. But instead, we shock each other with cattle prods. Maybe we should strive for a combination of intellect and intuition. Maybe not. I think there's value in thinking. Dave agrees. Then, pistols at 20 paces. Religion and science are not at odds. We need them both. And there are elements of truth in both. Our understanding of both is lacking. Dave quotes the book of Romans. I respond with a karate chop to his throat. David brings up a great point about Abraham and Isaac. For the first time in the conversation, there is no bloodletting. So we talk briefly about 'The Shack' and that leads to punching each other with brass knuckled fists. In the midst, we are critical of people who are critical of us. Tim Keller's book Reason for God enters the conversation. We finally agree that we like that book. Then we discuss David's upcoming tour and how you, Carl, are anxiously awaiting this podcast so you'll have all your answers about Calvinism answered.

Peaches comes over to discuss why she hates the Bible. Emmi has a runny nose and it falls to me to take care of the lass. It is gross beyond description. Turns out that the Bible is not a Jedi mind trick. We discuss whether or not we can believe this without destroying our Christian faith. While we talk, Emmi ransacks the room with astonishing quickness and efficiency. Peaches says being nice to people won't necessarily make them love Jesus. That's great news because she's rarely nice to people anyway. I'm not sure about praying for other people's salvation. We talk a little bit about Calvinism, Carl. So...be prepared... We ask the question, "should we ask questions?" The goal of many Christians is to provide answers and asking questions demonstrates a lack of faith. But that's not what we think. Of course, we could be wrong. But we probably aren't. What do you think? We also discuss the role of women in the church. So if you aren't angry with us about Calvinism, you can be angry about this. So which things are absolutely essential to Christianity? Emmi probably explains it but she talks like a baby so we can't understand her. I may upset Grandma Turbo with some stuff I say and that will be a problem because everybody likes her more than me. Peaches says women are like truck engines. She is SO OFFENSIVE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Emmi interrupts our important conversation with peek-a-boo. It's adorable but terribly distracting. There is a video on the blog. I'm doing an apologetics conference with Peter Heck on May 12th. You might want to come to it! And do you plan to see 'The Shack', Carl? We probably will but might wait until it's on DVD. Then, Timothy shows up and tells us his plans to become Mayor of Kokomo. He is very passionate and optimistic. He's also far too honest to be successful in politics. We go back and forth about smoking in bars. We even mention walrus in jet-packs. The boy is a shoe-in.

We head over to the Farkas household to play board games! If a board game was in the woods and nobody was around to play it, would it still be fun? Tabby explains why bad lighting is good for decorating. Then we figure out what groups of animals are called. (Do you know what to call a group of giraffes? We do!) Then the girls discuss some bad job experiences which may or may not have happened depending on who is listening to this.

Then the Peaches and I discuss putting blog commenters into the spam folder because it makes them FREAK OUT. Then, Peaches shares her crazy theory about how God can change his mind. (It may be my crazy theory too but don't tell her.) I'm so full of contradictions that it must mean I'm sophisticated. Then we overthink whether or not it's possible to overthink things.

My dad has a hard time trusting calendars. Some atheists see his point. They're both insane. Then we talk about how people are way better than animals. All animals. Not even close. We put out a call for some input from you listeners! Carl, give us a shout!

TRIGGER ALERT! - We're gonna talk about stupid women (hypothetically) again. So don't listen too long after the chicken update.

I catch up with my wife, Lori, (next to the dishwasher) for an update on the various animal activities around our home. I say she's a weirdo. She does not agree, but she does not argue either.

Then, two little girls, driven mad by sugar, abruptly interrupt the podcast. Peaches tells me what she thinks about 50 Shades of Grey, even though she hasn't read it. We discuss what sort of books should be sold in 'adult' bookstores since porn is not very grown-up. Peaches wants to move the conversation to adult topics but I want to talk about porn. We decide it's okay to be a horrible person as long as you aren't also real. We wonder if billionaires would still be sexy if the weren't billionaires. (Maybe.) We wonder if Christian Grey were Donald Trump would everyone be upset. (No.)

We get distracted because the parakeet might have puked. It takes a few minutes to figure out if this is even possible. (You'll be amazed to know the truth.)

I give the Peaches my views about 50 Shades of Grey. Peaches pretty much tells me I'm wrong. Dead wrong. (Then, after listening to my words later on, I disagree with myself but it's too late to take it back now! That's what I get for not editing, Carl. That's what I get.)

Then I have to make chicken nuggets. Peaches tells me she thinks 'consent' is a scam. I'm shocked but too busy making chicken nuggets to put up a decent argument. I manage to ask how 'empowered' women can't give 'consent' and she cobbles together her usual anti-woman statements.

AND THEN -- We update you on Carlina! She's the hypothetical girl who hypothetically makes a mess of her hypothetical family. She's at it again! Valentine's Day was all about empty promises and jewelry! It's so sweet, the bird pukes again. Then the Peaches rebukes me again for being out of touch with reality. (She's on thin ice this episode. I'm interviewing new daughters after this one.) It turns out, there is no upside to being nice.

And then we talk about my son, Tim, and how he needs to get married immediately. (Really. No kidding.)

I deconvert and become an atpistevist. (Look it up.) We get pretty philosophical amid the outraged cries of the children. Quantum physics, philosophy, metaphysical reality are the playthings in our pen as we wind up this episode. Peaches teaches me how to answer any question with a single word.

Collin loses a shoe. Thanks for listening!

Peaches helped the kids make a 'smash cake' and Cami explains the purpose of such a thing. Luke may win an award so he gets a cake too. Family makes cake whether you deserve it or not. Everyone makes an effort to surprise Daddy when he comes home. It's surprising. It makes Daddy happen when everyone thinks about him. Even if they're not thinking about the fact that he doesn't like cake. I reveal my favorite childhood gift for my parents. We reminisce about Andrew's sculptured gift for Amanda. We will interview Andrew in a future podcast so he can talk about his tiny birds and mud projects. THEN - BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND - PETER HECK RETURNS TO THE PODCAST! For some reason, Peter Heck is popular. He's also late to this podcast! I arrange to converse at a local restaurant where the music is too loud and we get interrupted by Pete's minister. I help identify a Peanut's character. We change tables at Pete's request. After assuring me of his status as a 'big deal', he unsuccessfully attempts to get a waitress to bring him a tea. Do you know who America's largest President was? You will after this! We philosophy about the way people slip their workout into conversation. Neither of us work out but that doesn't stop us from judging those who do. Crossfit. You know? Why is Peter so entertaining? Why? It makes no sense! So instead of fighting it, we go with it. We discuss people who are difficult to interview. I have to explain the difference between Jerry Lewis and Jerry Lee Lewis because Peter is kinda dim. We talk about how movies aren't bad just because they're black and white. We ignore a local city councilman because Pete is prideful. Then we start talking about why bad things happen to good people. This is a subject that garnered much criticism from (bad) people. Who deserves to burn in hell, me or Pete? It's a tie except for tea gift cards. Is it pretentious to call a blog, "blog space"? I say no. Pete says yes. Then we read some criticism from a Canadian atheist (who also deserves to burn in hell). Football is an analogy for real life. Bill Belichick melts Pete's heart with one mispronunciation. Which Superbowl ad was best? And did you notice that Lady Gaga and flying drones are a great halftime show? We discuss Epicurus' question about God's existence. We talk about the atheist response to the existence of evil. I can't lie...it's pretty dull. Scratch that. It's VEEEEEEERRRRRRY dull. You should fast forward through it. Summary: If you can't express yourself succinctly, you probably don't know what you're talking about. If you really want to serve God, don't do whatever Pete is doing. Christians are fraidy-cats sometimes. We judge people because we're qualified. We have some advice for people who want to avoid being killed. Peter is narrow minded about being open minded. Perhaps, someday, in the distant future, we can have conversations without the goal of 'destroying people'. Daylight savings time makes it hard to raise children.

Single people, like short people, got no reason to live. Whether or not you agree with this depends on whether or not you attend church and are a single person. Peaches and I discuss single status and Christianity. We analyze the use of the word 'single' when the word 'divorced' is more accurate. We're not saying it's dishonest but it's not honest. Peaches tries to explain that married people are like paper glued together. She's weird like that. We think divorce isn't something to celebrate. We think it's kinda sad and painful and awkward. We puzzle over how some people talk about divorce like it's a force of nature. Then I worry about incurring the wrath of my mom again. (Mom comes later in the podcast and she's not too mad. She gives me a Christmas present!) I start contradicting myself because, as usual, I start talking before I finish thinking. Then I just keep talking. And I admit my undying affection for single people. Sometimes single people yell at me for not talking about single people when I'm speaking at marriage conferences. And if you're single, and still listening, I'm impressed! I've offended myself multiple times already. If you're feeling disconnected, maybe the problem is yours. Maybe... Maybe...single people can still treat other people like a spouse. (It doesn't mean what you're thinking.) Then I talk about Brad. And he makes me kinda sad. Sad Brad. THEN... BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND --- GRANDMA TURBO! She readily admits her age. Then she tells me why I shouldn't have asked. The two of us exchange Christmas gifts because our family is horribly disorganized. I ask my mom where I was made and it wasn't "China". She doesn't get more specific. Mandy books my rental car for an upcoming trip and gives Hertz our home number as a fax number. We spend the rest of the conversation answering the stupid phone. Thanks, Peaches. Then Mom tells us about taking a bus trip. That's what old people do. I make fun of my dear mother for this and then Peaches reminds me that my wife actually OWNS a bus. We're such hicks. Then we talk about Mom feeling alien as a single person in church. We talk about my Dad (who will probably appear on the podcast at some point...when I work up the nerve.) Emmi runs out of cereal and makes some strange noise. My mom essentially calls me a heartless machine. Turbo gets a little emotional which makes me squeamish and confirms the accuracy of the 'heartless' accusation. Hertz! Stop calling me! I don't have a fax machine! Mom says she repeats her mistakes. I'm curious if I'm one of those mistakes. She says 'no', but that's what moms are supposed to say. We try to figure out how to determine which events in our lives are mistakes. Mom quotes Aslan, who isn't even a human (or real). We finally block Hertz. Everybody on Earth is in a relationship with everyone else on Earth. Mind blown. Mom's are experts at feeling like failures. Relax and enjoy some Necco wafers.

Warning

This episode is kinda blunt. This is how we talk in real life. You've been warned.

I'm getting over being pretty sick. Peaches is not sympathetic because she's pretty hard-hearted. She brags about not puking for decades. Whoopie doo! Then we talk about girls who are stupid. Once again, we hint at how great the Patriarchy is. Wisdom is hard to get. And then we construct a totally fictional scenario that absolutely has nothing to do with people we know in real life. Our fictional girl is stupid too...

To accompany our discussion, Emmi bangs my merchandise against a floor lamp.

It's decided that drugs and criminal incarceration impact families negatively. BUT WE'RE NOT JUDGING! (Hypothetically). Then we talk about how sex confuses everybody but not enough to give us a moment's pause before engaging in it. Sometimes, church folks don't say things that should be said. And what is compassion? Really. What the heck is compassion??! Sometimes babies take hostages. Strength is what Dad needs to stand against the wrath of his daughter. Then, "IT'S CLOBBER VERSE TIME!" We decide there's a difference between lust and love. And I review the movie "Brokeback Mountain" (finally!)

This episode starts with me proving my comedy chops by making a 5-month old baby laugh hysterically. Her diaper was wet afterward! I'm THAT funny!

Then I start the podcast without notifying Peaches and she's none the wiser. We discuss Trump because he's the President of the United States now. It's kind of neat and sad that our President is a petulant child. And remember how Mitt Romney used to drive with dogs on his car? Who cares how many people show up at the inauguration of the President? Really. What difference does it make? We figure out exactly why the crowd was smaller for Trump than Obama. Some people don't like standing in the rain...

There were a bunch of women marching for something. They marched and marched and marched. We try to figure why. We take note of how few women demonstrate in the streets in Saudi Arabia. Interest-free loans are pretty cool unless you have to give up your rights to obtain them. We decide it's time to elect some women to public office! High time! We agree with the marchers that women should not be abused. Then we get confused by some of the other stuff. It's suggested that maybe vulgarity should be the norm for the March for Life since it's working so well for the other folks.

I realize I'm wrong about almost everything. But, I keep talking anyway... Then we send the kids scurrying after a can of Pringles.

I end with some conversations I had with people I met after my show in Centralia, Washington.

Ted Cunningham on the phone this episode. The phone makes him sound cybernetic but he's actually a human being. We talk about Branson, Missouri because it's important to get things started with a bang! Ted hijacks the label 'comedian' because nobody has the guts to call him out for it. Then he offers some advice for how I can get more gigs by just deceiving people. Ted's a pastor so I ask him if comedy needs a 'message' or if laughter itself justifies comedy. We pat ourselves on the back for being so relevant and interesting right off the bat!

Ted speaks a lot about marriage. So we talk about marriage. I ask him a question he's never been asked!!! It's amazing! I wasn't even trying! We talk about the topics that scare pastors. We talk about divorce and how sucky it is. We talk about how sucky it is to not be able to talk about how sucky divorce is.

There are no perfect people. Gosh, I'm sick of hearing that! Ted sympathizes a little but because he's a pastor, he sort of tells me I need to chill. We kind of agree that sinfulness shouldn't be celebrated. Then we make fun of some nameless churches. Then we drastically simplify the process of researching quotes by ascribing everything to Milton Berle.

Here's how to find more stuff about Ted:

https://woodhills.org/im-new/our-staff/ted-cunningham/

https://www.facebook.com/ted.cunningham.9

This episode starts with my long, sad drive from Atlanta to Indianapolis. Not the WHOLE drive because it's too depressing. I'm reading a book about how people think and I try to explain it but I'm a little too tired from hours of travel to make any sense.

Peaches and I, sans children, discuss the meaning of 'family'. We sort of make fun of people who refer to pets as family (sort of...pretty much). Then we sort of make fun of a couple of men who are distraught when they realize they can't be fathers together (pretty much again). Eventually, we get around to discussing the oppressive, hard-hearted reality that we call 'Biology'. Surrogacy comes up and the conversation becomes controversial and we may alienate Carl but it can't be helped. We never edit these conversations and sometimes I regret that decision. Here's the article we reference so you know we weren't just making stuff up: https://goo.gl/ekd4j3

We wonder about frozen babies waiting to be thawed. We wonder about when life acquires a soul. We don't really produce many answers after all this wonderment. If you think school is boring, imagine the poor teacher who has to do it year after year with no hope of graduating! Peaches teaches me how to know which months have 31 days. I may throw away all my calendars...

I draw upon the wisdom of my chain-smoking grandmother and we agree that the internet makes it possible for us to be smart and lazy at the same time. Cami reveals the marvels of multiplication without even realizing it.

All of this concludes with this important truth...I hate doing puzzles. Then Mandy reveals that my son-in-law (her husband, Luke) never has nightmares because he's a weirdo.

Peaches and I sample some bizarre soda pop. I'm confused as to why such things even exist. A little later, the conversation turns to my dismal performance in social media platforms. I'm confident that proper branding will turn everything around but Peaches is reluctant to learn ANYTHING to help me. We turn to Carl to help us build a solid mission statement.

There's a brainstorming video on Facebook right here: https://www.facebook.com/JohnBranyanComedy/videos/10155010831360854/

Toward the end of this powerful episode, I've included a few minutes of my New Year's Eve show in Shipshewana, Indiana. It's a tiny town known for all things Amish. There's a theater too and they know how to party, even after 7:00 pm!

Because I don't always listen to the voice that whispers, 'this isn't a good idea', Peter Heck joins me on this episode. We start with a heartwarming holiday tale of Peter's trip to the eye doctor to have a foreign object removed via a method that could be featured in a 'Saw' movie. Then we discuss family, school and Pete's unhealthy obsession with radio broadcasting. In Pete's twisted mind, he thinks anxiety improves his performance. I mock him for this.

Between Pete's important text messages, he shares his positively Medieval views of marriage. Then, although we disagree about Trump, we discuss Trump but not before being treated to Pete's rant about Disney World ignorance. We try to decide who to blame for political divisions among Christians. We try to decide whether or not we're correct about conservative values. We positively agree that we absolutely do not know for sure. Then we decide that we're pretty closed-minded and that's what makes conversation possible. Finally, there is profound wisdom revealed by the lack of whales in a glass of water.

Check out Peter's website here: http://peterheck.com/peterheck/home

Quick episode to wish Carl a Happy New Year. Mandy and Tabby help me figure out what sort of cool podcast related merchandise we should offer. The grandkids provide their usual ambient background noise.

It's a short episode! Happy New Year!

Comedian Dustin Nickerson agrees to converse with me in what will likely be our final dialogue before his career takes off and he forgets who I am. We discuss Rick Moranis and his impact on both of our careers. Then we ask Carl help us figure out who looks most like me: Me or Dustin. I grill Dustin about clinging to the outrageous idea that he can be a Christian while still performing in comedy clubs. We contempt the tiny toilets in church nurseries too. I cleverly mask my jealousy at Dustin's rapid success as compared to my own. Then things take a philosophical turn...(dramatic music)

Dustin unflinchingly compromises his convictions regarding comedy. Then I present my unquestionably correct philosophy and Dustin agrees with that too. Is comedy for the comic or the audience? Final word: "Ummm. Not sure..."

Morality pops up again. If I have to say so myself (and I do), there are a couple of profound insights revealed. Turns out, Dustin is almost as much of a nerd as I am when it comes to apologetics. It is suggested that the more we know about religion, the less certain we are about religion... (Dustin uses some bigs words and I find it kind of offensive.) Blah, Blah, politics again, blah, blah. We agree that everybody thinks they're right. And we mention Johnny Cash too.

And we congratulate you, Carl, for tolerating us.

Seasons Greetings!

This episode, we discuss Cami's theories on the existence of Santa. Tabby shows up to help us reminisce on past traditions. We contemplate the virtues of egg nog. We try to figure out if Marzipan is a flavor. There is some griping about opening pajamas as Christmas gifts. Advent calendars are good. Matching Christmas outfits are bad. We say what everyone else is afraid to: "Company Christmas parties are lame." Tabby reminds me that I'm a hipster because I don't understand alcohol. The girls make peanut butter and jelly sound like fine cuisine. I'm introduced to the concept of "Christmas Pickle" and it confuses me.

We wrap up with a few minutes from our Facebook LIVE broadcast. Our Facebook group sets themselves to the task of naming Luke's new business.

This episode starts out with Peaches and I talking about inclusiveness. We also admit that subtlety isn't her strong suit. We investigate our fruit fly trap. Peaches makes fun of me for CHRISTMAS COOKIES of all things!!!

Then I return to Panera with Gary Varvel. If you LOVE ambient conversations obscuring the podcast, THIS is the episode for you. I get recognized as a celebrity! Gary tells me who he'd really like to meet and I am unsuccessful at making it happen. Turns out, Gary has offended some people over the years just by drawing caricatures of them! He tells me (and you, Carl) about a call he got from The White House!

Did I mention that it's REALLY loud at Panera?

Gary Varvel and I discuss his hair and how sissified he likes his coffee. Then we talk about Calvin and Hobbes. We commiserate about bad speaking gigs and eventually get around to talking politics. Gary jumps up on a soapbox and preaches supply side economics. We don't get thrown out of Panera so we talk about Donald Trump. Then we discuss the dreadfulness that is corporate award ceremonies. Gary explains what he can do to help other cartoonists. Then he starts talking religion and we run out of time...

Here are some of the links from Gary's shameless plugs:

http://www.houseofgracefilms.org/the-war-within/

https://www.youtube.com/varvelinsider

https://www.facebook.com/Gary-Varvel-216216295106639/

I talk with Freight (from Tim Hawkins Poddy Break) about his rise to power. He captures me flinging Twinkies into the audience at the end of one of Tim's shows.

Here is where you can get your Freight shirt and join the revolution: http://timhawkins.net/collections/all/products/make-america-freight-again-t-shirt?variant=27664464913

Then my mom comes over and scolds me for talking bad about public school teachers. Actually, she's mad at The Peaches mostly. We have a civil conversation and it ends pretty peacefully with nobody being un-friended or cut from the family will.

Peaches keeps trying to convince me that 3rd party voters are better than other human beings. I force her to read a Facebook post like a Mom from a 1950's sitcom. She argues about it but eventually relents and it's epic. We discuss who REALLY cares about their children (democrats). We question the effectiveness of teachers who need to take the teacher qualification test too many times. We're eating fish sticks which is rude but we do a pretty good job of not sounding like our mouths are full.

Brant Hansen and I finish our conversation at Panera. We realize who the most joyful people in the world are. Brant confesses the joy of peanut butter crackers and blurry football with friends. I tell him about the time I cried in a truckstop. Brant admits he's too wimpy to watch Toy Story 3. Together, we discuss loneliness.

We discuss how silly it is to brag about stuff that we didn't have anything to do with. We knock MidWesterners. Would anyone be interested in buying some refridgerator magnets from C.S. Lewis? And then some comedy stuff...

Brant Hansen joins me at church, in my car and ultimately at Panera. We discuss how amazing I am and how lucky Brant is to know me. We quickly dispatch heathen doctrine. Brant eats arugula and feels no shame about it. Some church related stuff comes up. Prayer comes up. Then Brant tells a story that makes us both cry but we can't cry because we're at Panera so we stop making eye contact and pretend that we're not crying.

This is just part one!!

You should probably check out Brant's podcast. It's funny and weird. His co-host Sherri is amazing. You'll like it, Carl.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/brant-sherri-podcast/id903615429?mt=2

Brant wrote a book too: https://goo.gl/uSFMB9

What?!!

Two episodes in one week?!!!

Yes. Because Episode 10 was all about the election, I thought we should release another episode to help wash the taste of politics out of our mouths.

You're welcome.

In this episode, the Peaches explains why your kids are slaves. We talk about evil and how it's not done much evolving through the ages. Modern evil looks pretty similar to ancient evil. Then Tabby and Andrew join us on Halloween! Tabby complains about election signs (I know...election stuff...but it's funny.) Andrew demonstrates his uncanny ability to imitate Patrick Warburton. And we are treated to an impromptu ocarina concert.

My friend Al Serhal helps me upset everyone with a heavily political discussion. He was the preacher at my church for 16 years. We drank gallons of coffee together and argued about which one of us was the best Christian many times.

Al is not a guy who even pretends that 'everyone has a right to their opinion'. Everyone has a right to Al's opinion or they have the right to be wrong. We've been friends for many years. We've agreed probably twice during those years.

I like talking to Al because he makes me think about stuff.

We talk about why Christians can vote for Trump even if he's not a role model for Christian living. We discuss how rich guys have different sex than the rest of us. It's explained that voting is like putting a coin on a teeter-totter. We wonder if the primary mission of evangelicalism is to 'not judge'. Al gives 5 reasons to vote for Donald Trump. And, for everyone who hasn't rage-quit the podcast by the end, we reveal the source of the infamous 'butterfly joke' from my Wedlocked DVD.

Bob Smiley shows up to let me know he's impressed with the dismal quality of my recordings. We discuss whether or not bad people can be good leaders. There's more commentary about those People Who Occupy The Center Of The Universe. Smiley tells about his habit of picking fights with strangers. Ultimately we figure out who makes the best pizza in the United States (and it IS NOT Chuck E. Cheese). Carl, feel free to sound off on this (or any other) topic.

David Pendleton explains the difference between an enclave and a closet. We discuss techniques for making people feel unwelcome in church. We learn how to tell German Baptists from Amish (sort of). And we discover the lengths to which some people will go to get their feet washed.

This is the longest podcast I've done so far. Apparently, the ventriloquist is not at a loss for words.

Visit David's website: www.anythingcantalk.com

On tour with Tim Hawkins for this episode. One evening, we were the sole occupants of a movie theater. Magnificent 7 (remake). We don't discuss it in the podcast, but look how cool we are having a theater to ourselves!

Chris (Freight) and I discuss how important Freight is to the Rockshow empire.

Matt (Queso) and I work out an exclusive deal for Comedy Sojourn listeners. (Carl, you can cash in at Tim Hawkins shows!)

Gary King helps sort out this political mess.

Caleb's interview gets interrupted but eventually he has a chance to tell me how neat my podcast recording thingy is.

Tim tries to make me feel bad about ordering chicken strips. And we describe how to order a grilled cheese sandwich if you don't want to seem childish.

Peaches, Tabby and Joe tell eccentric teacher stories. John tells about his science experiment that almost destroyed a school. We learn how physics can cave-in your face, and Westboro Baptist church visits the campus of IUPUI.

An empty YooHoo bottle starts a conversation about the only people who matter in the universe. We discuss the stuff that nobody should say to the Peaches. We get interrupted a lot by the kids. We answer the question, "Does crying help?" We get an 'Amber Alert'...so don't panic. And Emmi does something that nobody in our family has ever done before!

Wedding Day! I talk exclusively with the bride, groom, various wedding party members on the big day. Then, I talk with the happy couple after the honeymoon about washing dogs and writing books. My grandson turns 3 and eventually I coax him into admitting it. We talk about being 'your own role model'. Collin eats a booger.

The Peaches and I discuss breast feeding. The surest way to get a nickname in our family is to admit how much you hate the nickname. My brother, David, stops by to explain how he managed to get himself kicked out of ANOTHER church. And did I mention breast feeding?

We contemplate a spider's fate with Tabby and Andrew. Peaches and I literally discuss the meaning of life. Emmi dumps dirt on herself and we never answer the question of why cars can go faster than the speed limit.

The inaugural episode where we attempt (and fail) to explain the purpose of the podcast. There are some clicks, pops and other technical issues with the recording because the producer is an amateurish hack who lacks even basic recording skills. He will improve in future episodes...hopefully.

The Peaches and I discuss the usefulness of spirited debate in culture and religion. We also discuss whether or not Cami should have a snack.