The Beak » Breakfast with the Beak: Recent Episodes
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It’s the end of our show, and the beginning of everything! We’re telling the story of the the star stuff that makes up all of us, the generations of stars where those atoms were forged, and the pile of hot rocks that we ended up calling home. And we get in a few last shots […]
It’s our penultimate episode, so we’re cleaning house! That means going through every topic left on the list and giving each of them the 8 to 12 seconds of attention they deserve. And why stop there? We’re also revealing the contents of our top-secret emergency topics list, reviewing all 156 previous episodes, and – against […]
Hey, remember Strong Bad? If you do, have we got the show for you! If you don’t, you’re going to learn a lot today. We’re taking a voyage through internet history to a time when Homestar Runner ruled the world! When word of mouth mattered more than insincere retweets! When we hadn’t yet squandered the […]
Well, it doesn’t get much further from Taylor Swift than this. We’re taking a harmony joy ride with a rock ‘n’ roll prophet, searching for meaning in the music of Wesley Willis. Willis taught us all how to battle demons through obscene bestiality ballads and unfiltered autobiography, and we’re passing that knowledge on to any […]
We’re venturing outside our demographic, and Taylor Swift is our guide! Can we learn anything from America’s pop-country sweetheart? Or will we just make a bizarre web of connections between her, Michael Bay, J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, and all her ex-boyfriends and then insist it all makes sense? Guaranteed to contain zero Taylor Swift songs; […]
This week, we’re trying to wring humor out of a really scary disease that we don’t know all that much about. And that should be fun, right? We trace the history of the Ebola virus from its humble origins to its brush with fame in the 1990s and beyond, and develop acute hypochondria in the […]
In a hollow tree somewhere, elves are baking cookies with magic. At least that’s what Keebler’s commercials would have us believe. It’s a journey into the world of advertising, the darkest corners of fandom, and the office where they decide how many spider parts can legally go into your food. Plus a bunch of crap […]
We’re headed down south (in spirit) to pay a visit to Dollywood, the Dolly Parton-est place on Earth! Will we avoid the obvious jokes? Actually yes, because there’s a whole lot more to talk about. It turns out Dollywood is a magical place full of grannies and taters, old-timey craftsmen and a man named Big […]
We all know Purple People Eater, the novelty song. But how about Purple People Eater… the movie? Oh, it happened, and we’re spending our 150th episode trying to figure out why. Whether you’re a fan of early rock ‘n’ roll, wacky car wash hijinx, or wiener dogs, there’s sure to be something in this movie […]
The Manitou! We can’t even call it a famously bad film, because it never quite got famous, but we’re watching it and discussing it. Thrill to the tale of a fortune-telling Tony Curtis, a shaman in a sad wig, and their slow, confusing battle with a wee magic fellow. Find out what we think about […]
It’s one of the great internet success stories: a novel posted on the web, which became a real book, which became a movie. And now John Dies at the End has somehow become this podcast. We’re not just reviewing the movie; we’re looking into its curious history, debating what it means for internet culture, and […]
These days, you can’t tell a story about one kind of monster without every other kind of monster trying to steal the spotlight. But which creature deserves to have its story told? We’re looking at a couple of the most popular, in hopes of finding out how vampires became sexy and how werewolves wound up […]
We’re getting downright educational this week! Bedbugs have made their homes in our fair city, and we have the inside scoop from a real-life ex-exterminator. Where did these tiny bloodsuckers come from? How can you protect yourself? Who can we blame? Guaranteed to feature at least one very uncomfortable host, plus a nice bit about […]
We’ve been tasked with reviewing the career of one of the most influential filmmakers of all time, and we don’t know his work. The solution? How about an all-day Kurosawa movie marathon so we can talk half-knowledgeably about a handful of his best-known films. We got our brains melted by Rashomon, our senses overloaded by […]
It’s time for our annual holiday special, and you know what that means: we’re completely half-assing it. As in, barely even bothering to make sense. Instead, we’re more concerned with weaseling out of the latest topic, debating the premise of old arcade games, and maybe – just maybe – arguing with a certain sock. Basically […]
Is it possible for two people on the internet to discuss the career of David Bowie without getting distracted by Labyrinth? It turns out, no, that is not possible. But we get to a lot of other good stuff before that! For example, tales of the golden age of anything-goes radio and a hierarchy of […]
Reincarnation is definitely one of the nicer afterlife options, so obviously we’re trying to think of funny stuff to say about it. And that means mocking psychics, recapping forgotten supernatural romantic comedies, and debating whether or not microbes have souls. Presented with a cherished belief held by millions of people, how long does it take […]
This week, we’re breaking format all over the place, inviting a guest into the Breakfast Kitchen to discuss her own topic. And we’re asking the hard questions. Can Plinko ever be made truly handicap accessible? Is Pat Sajak a Highlander? Do people want to see oiled-up hunks on game shows? How sturdy are those sets? […]
Comparing a real news story to a piece of satire is basically a cliche at this point, but that doesn’t mean the resemblance isn’t there. Real people still get fooled by fake stories, and real stupidity is more carefully documented than it’s ever been. It’s entirely possible that this is the episode that ends up […]
You dared us to talk about it, and we took the bait! That’s right: a whole show about the mysterious, seemingly impossible structure on Donald Trump’s head. How does it work? What does it look like when it hasn’t been styled? Is it a wig, a combover, or some kind of animal companion? And what […]
Every now and then, someone unexpectedly bursts into flames, and science has never been able to explain why. Except it totally has, and we’re going to explain it too. It’s a story that spans continents and centuries, involving the history of tobacco farming and candle-making, techniques for building houses from dung, and the sad fate […]
This week, we’re looking at our favorite (and least favorite) film adaptations of books, and hopefully coming up with a formula for not screwing it up. And yes, that means some unfavorable comparisons between the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings, but it also means Douglas Adams and Truman Capote and Harvey Pekar, and […]
This week, we’ve been asked to tell the world the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, and we sort of make an attempt at that. Sure, we get hung up on the horrors of ensemble romantic comedies for a while, and debate the qualifications for sainthood, and try to write a better Farmer’s Almanac, but it’s […]
We love a good old-fashioned topic about weird animals, and they don’t get much weirder than cephalopods. They change colors, they solve puzzles, they fight whales, and they’re basically the closest thing we have to intelligent aliens. So of course we love them! We also waste some time talking about Halloween music and picking fights […]
How exactly does a musician capture one’s heart? Because that’s basically the question we’ve been asked, and we’re going to make some sort of effort to answer it. Does our listener love Regina Spektor’s talent? Her willingness to experiment? Her total lack of media coaching? Her cool friends? We’ve got ideas, and a whole lot […]
Dystopian game shows are hot right now. Or at least we’re all predicting that they’ll be hot in the future. But the trend dates back at least to the 1980s, when Arnold Schwarzenegger fought for his life against a bunch of heavily armed gladiators on the abandoned streets of Los Angeles. It’s a tale of […]
Strap in, because this one is going to get stupid. We’re traveling back to the futuristic year 1994, when the only thing standing between Earth and an invading alien army was a group of Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters. From Beverly Hills. Yes, somehow this was a real show, as well as the topic that finally […]
Once in a great while, we stumble into a situation too awesome to ignore. Topics? Bah! We just got back from watching a real-life carnival barker set off a human-sized game of Mousetrap. Obviously we’re talking about that. And robots, and go-karts, and artisan peanut butter, and guitars made of tennis racquets, and homemade jewelry, […]
The word “meme” has been around since the 1970s, but it took another twenty years for everyone to decide they liked it. Since then, it’s been applied to basically everything, but is that really appropriate? We’re pretty sure we know. We’re also looking at the sordid fall of a memetics journal, the continued relevance of […]
Russian literature isn’t exactly known for its optimism, but we may have wrung some joy out of a story that kills its main character on page one. Before there were inspiring stories of hope in the face of impending death, Tolstoy gave us a tale of social niceties, modest ambition, bureaucracy, and God, and he […]
It’s another musical episode, and this week we’re telling an entire generation to shut the hell up. We examine the horrible secrets of Billy Joel’s big list of stuff that happened, from the overly broad references to the slightly cheated rhyme scheme. Could this song be written today? Could it be written again next week? […]
Things are about to get non-Euclidean and kind of gross, because we’re talking about H.P. Lovecraft and his possible connection to the wild world of obscene tentacle illustration. Was he a major influence on the form, or is it just Rule 34 working its dirty, dirty magic? Does anyone get laid in Lovecraft-land? Does it […]
If you could take characters from one work and put them in another work, which ones would you choose? More importantly, how would you make it as funny and/or stupid as possible? We’re a lot more interested in the latter question, and we find a few decent answers to it. If you’re interested in festive […]
We were promised a plague, but what we got was a few weeks of harmless bugs minding their business and occasionally chirping. Where were the decimated crops? The blotted-out skies? The children carried off by the swarm? Funny story: cicadas don’t do any of that. Luckily, they’re still big and gross, and we can probably […]
We all have to die eventually, so why not go out with one last zinger? That’s basically the question we’re asking this week, even as we try to pretty it up by calling it educational. We’ve got Karl Marx’s last (short) rant, Voltaire’s deathbed burn, and Socrates’ least graceful dialogue, along with electric chair puns […]
In a way, this is kind of the only topic. Like, anywhere, ever. Se we’re making a serious effort to add something new to the conversation. Inevitably, this leads us into an abyss of fast food mythology, terrible movies, Mormon kitsch, and desperately earnest mask-makers — you know, all the classics. Will this journey through […]
Someone asked us to talk about a forgettable and mostly-forgotten movie from 2010. So we did, and discovered a tale about a bunch of douchebags hiding in a condo, plus aliens or something. Is it absolute garbage, or is it one of those movies that gets everything just wrong enough to be irritating? Which of […]
This week, the very foundations of the show crack and we spiral down into an abyss of terrible ideas. How terrible? How about marsupials teaching you history? Starchy omelets? Lots and lots of eye-gouging? And if that’s somehow not enough for you, we sing. Let that sink in. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download […]
Well this is awkward. It’s almost Tesla’s birthday, and who should show up on our topic list but his old arch-enemy? What should we say? Do we even understand the principles of electrical engineering? Is being a good manager the same thing as being a good inventor? Can we find something nice to say about […]
Wait, Republican hipsters? Is that even a real thing? Seriously, we spend most of this episode trying to figure it out. It’s a thrilling journey through a world of Biblical breath mints, ugly fonts, drunk Ron Paul fanboys, and Ed Hardy preachers, all set to soothing Brooklyn background noise. Because we may have left the […]
Sometimes, we get a topic that we aren’t quite sure is a topic. So do we just ignore it? Not anymore we don’t! We’re reading your fan mail, answering your weird questions, scolding each other for poor Twitter etiquette, and getting way, way too amused about ham. Guaranteed to feature more maniacal giggling than basically […]
We’ve pitched some movies on the show before, but only when we were distracted from the topic at hand. Now we’ve been asked to come up with them on purpose, and it goes about as well as you’d expect. There are sweater-eating monster-men, superheroines embracing middle age, and big smiley hippo masks, and we expect […]
New Jersey is unfairly maligned, and we’re interested in figuring out why. Kind of. We’re also prone to distraction. But in between fanciful stories about trains, we manage to get some actual work done. Whether we’re exploring the thrilling world of commuting or debating the relative merits of undergoing major surgery just to ride a […]
Hoo boy, we are violating some terms of service this week. It’s not entirely our fault, though; sometimes the topics just get weird, and we have to go along with it. Are we studying a previously unknown school of magic? Debating the role of handcrafted marital aids in ancient civilizations? Inventing something that we guarantee […]
This week, we finally get a chance to play amateur restaurant critic. Yes, we’ve been asked to talk about one of the fastest-growing chains in America, and maybe eat there if we don’t have anything else going on. Will we like it enough to find something nice to say? Will we read the nutritional information […]
To be clear: we’re talking about the show, not the actual theory. And we’re not fans. The question is, does the problem lie with this show specifically, or with the broader failures of traditional sitcoms? Or with you, the ungrateful, unpleasable fans? This one is for everyone who’s been waiting for us to take a […]
You kids just love sending in those movie topics, don’t you? Well, we’re happy to oblige, because that’s sort of our whole gimmick. And this week, we’re going all the way back to 1925 to watch a film that is basically the progenitor of all modern cinema. No big deal. Marvel as two men who […]
Oh goody, it’s another one of those titles that don’t make sense. This time we actually explain it, and I’m happy to say we barely talk about any of the horrors it implies. We do talk about them a little bit, though. So just tough it out, and you’ll be treated to wild stories about […]
Living under the sea sounds cool, right? I mean, as long as it’s safe. And nobody goes crazy. And there are no Gungans around. So maybe it’s not such a great idea after all. But we investigate the subject anyway. That means playing politics with the Little Mermaid, following a lawless privateer to the Snork […]
Garlic! It’s tasty! So tasty we can barely be bothered to talk about it. Not when serious newsmen are looking at their phones and swamp hags are lying to peasants. And when we do talk about garlic, it’s mostly in relation to vampires. So give this one a listen if you want to hear some […]
We horn in on the History Channel’s turf by talking about stuff that’s probably not true, but totally involves Nazis and aliens. Were the mysterious lights that followed World War II fighter pilots just boring old natural phenomena, or were they something more sinister? Can you prove they weren’t? Maybe they’re flying saucers launched from […]
Another movie? Well, you folks asked (unintentionally), and who are we to refuse you? We’re looking at the little parody trailer that grew up to be a real live exploitation flick, and celebrating the best and worst of 1980s film tropes. Cartoonish villains, cartoonish punks, and a disturbingly real protagonist (speaking cartoonish dialogue) come together […]
Should you buy a car or lease one? We don’t know. We take the subway. Should you mow your neighbor’s lawn for some extra money? Possibly. We aren’t sure. Do we know how mortgages actually work? Kind of. We’ve read articles. Should you buy a sweet van with a wizard painted on it? Emphatically yes. […]
Well, we lost control of this one quickly. What began as a discussion of the best way of getting ketchup out of the bottle quickly spiraled into utter madness. Chinese history is mangled, Bill Cosby is ignored, and the world’s best condiment-based screenplay is outlined in an episode that borders on physically exhausting. There are […]
It’s our Second Anniversary Spectacular, and we’ve just watched The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure – arguably the most insane film ever made, and definitely the biggest box-office bomb. We’ve got an extra-super-sized episode focused obsessively on the minutia of this cinematic masterpiece, from frisky appliances to wobbly cowboys to weirdly offensive llamas. What […]
It’s another celebrity guest show, minus the guest. But even though we don’t have Inigo Montoya himself in the kitchen, that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about him. And we do, to a point. We also talk about Russian punk rock, Andre the Giant, Hollywood comebacks, and a cereal so delicious that to taste it […]
Google wants your eyes! Specifically, it wants to put a tiny screen in front of your eyes and then use it to tell you what street you’re on or something. Honestly, it doesn’t sound that great. Will this technology replace the Bluetooth as the mark of douchebaggery? Will it enslave us, like Riker in that […]
Whither Canada indeed! In 1969, the good people at Monty Python’s Flying Circus asked that question, and then proceeded to blow everyone’s minds. We look at that first episode, but mostly we get distracted and talk about the finer points of sketch comedy, and how to prevent your show from sucking. Tune in to learn […]
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape, then listen to this episode. And even if you don’t like any of that stuff, there’s still something here for […]
Honestly, we’re not really sure what that title means. As a matter of fact, we’re so confused by it that we spend this episode flailing around for an answer. We end up accepting hypothetical bribes, humanizing historical villains, debating the origins of magic undergarments, and making a surprising number of references to a movie you […]
Tom Cruise! He’s handsome! He’s disturbingly cheerful! He is the master of his own fate! But how is he at acting? We’ve been asked to evaluate Tom Cruise’s best and worst films, and that mission leads us on a path that runs from triumph to despair, from Kubrick to Cocktail, and right into the danger […]
Legos – or Lego bricks, if you want to get specific – are more than mere toys, and we’re pretty sure we know why. It’s an adventure through the world of rapid prototyping, amateur robotics, DIY drones, miniature ice hotels, and, for some reason, sea monsters. Basically all of those things relate to the topic […]
Beans! Somehow, that’s our topic. And it’s not that it’s a bad topic, but where exactly are we supposed to go with that? Trading recipes? Talking about botany? Drifting off topic and just making stuff up? Probably that last one. So listen if you want to hear about soy conspiracies, coconut vampires, imaginary birds, and, […]
Akira is famous for being a very confusing film that lots of people have seen anyway. But what happens when one of your hosts is fresh off his first-ever screening of it? Will he have any idea what he just watched? Will his bewilderment seem a little too familiar? Will there be strained comparisons to […]
What’s the best city to live in? What does that even mean? Does it mean a city with a reputation for being cool? One where the booze is cheap and plentiful? Do we have to limit ourselves to places that aren’t fictional? Is it a good idea for a podcast host to give himself a […]
We get a lot of topics here at Breakfast with the Beak HQ, and we don’t always get around to them in a timely manner. Well, never fear! We’re wrapping up 2012 with a marathon of never-before-discussed topics, from discontinued ice cream flavors to confusing questions about fabric dyes to automotive puns. Did we use […]
It’s a couple days before Christmas, and you know what that means? No one’s listening! So it’s time to squander all that good will we’ve built up by doing a show centered around dumb inside jokes, exploitation of the homeless, and Doktor Socksenberg. It’s better than it sounds! Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download […]
All right, people. We know you like sending in apocalypse topics, but this is the last one. We’re making it count, though! Not only are we teaching you some useful skills for the end of the world, we’re getting you ready for next week’s Mayan apocalypse. It’s a tale of unpopular gods, 7th-century PR campaigns, […]
Dude! Penguins! They’re great! I have nothing else to add to that; penguins are great, and we’re doing an episode about them. Can penguins dance? Can they ride the bus? No, but they don’t need to, because they’ve got impeccable posture and slide around on their bellies. And if you’re not into that, we have […]
According to popular culture, people get stranded on islands all the time, but what does it actually take to survive on one? We don’t actually know. Still, we’re pretty sure TV writers haven’t gotten it right yet. So join us for a tropical adventure full of friendly parrots, sinister shark-men, and Robinson Crusoe’s weirdly casual […]
It’s a boat… but it’s also your house! And we can barely believe how awesome that is! We’re finding out just what it means to be a man of the sea, riding dolphins and staging illegal clown fights in international waters. So put on your captain’s boots, read up on maritime law, and join us […]
Ah, the eternal struggle: take a nap, or drink some more coffee? We don’t exactly come to a definitive answer, but we have all sorts of terrible advice for you. So don’t sleep until you’re actually tired, don’t trust the TV if you aren’t fully awake, and don’t let anyone tell you that Ron Popeil […]
Every so often, you discover something — a book, a song, a movie, whatever — that you love. And then you realize you could have gotten into it years earlier, but didn’t. And now we’ve done a whole episode on that phenomenon, because the election is over and we can go back to talking about […]
Election Day is right around the corner, so we’re devoting a whole show to what really matters: getting in a few last shots at Mitt Romney before it stops being funny. Plus, we’ve got a round-up of all the important issues of our time, from Chris Christie’s fleeces to lingering resentment over the Star Wars […]
Hey, remember back in episode 48, when we wondered how, just how anyone could reboot the Munsters? Well, it turns out NBC took our advice, or the advice of someone like us, and the end result didn’t suck. So… you know, watch us react to it. Look, it’s pretty funny, and it’s a rare chance […]
This week, we really earn that iTunes “Explicit” rating. Why? Because we’re describing the horrors of the Inquisition in graphic detail. And it’s really horrifying, and not exactly the best source of comedy. So if you’ve ever wanted to see us visibly uncomfortable, you’re in luck. Also, I think we defamed a forgettable actor. Subscribe […]
Have we got a weird one for you this week! We might not know who killed Dr. Sex, but we know who wrote a book about it. Kind of. It’s a tangled web of Australian trade law, composite authors, old-time radio serials, and dangerous dames with secrets they’d kill for. Seriously, just look at all […]
Bacon! It’s not just a food, it’s a meme! But is it possible to still love salted and cured pork products when you’re sick of all the jokes? That’s what we’re going to find out. And while we’re on the subject, why not guard your house with a wild boar? Why not enjoy some jellied […]
What is the deal with No Turn On Red signs? Am I right? No, I’m not. Once you learn about this history of those signs, they actually make sense and we’re stuck filling time with a conversation about the value of faking a disability. Plus car wash prophets, life lessons from the other Dr. Dre, […]
When it comes to the end of the world, the Vikings win. While other cultures were content to just let their gods sit around doing nothing, the Norsemen brought them all back for one last world-destroying hurrah, and now every other religion (and TV show) wishes they could go out with that level of badassery. […]
Paper cuts! Are you freaked out yet? You should be. But don’t worry; we take this extremely unpleasant topic and make it tolerable, mostly by talking about Honey Boo Boo, hypothetical emergency chainsaw scenarios, and the subtleties of ninja costuming. Basically anything but the topic itself, because ugh, paper cuts. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via […]
Like everyone else, we have families, and we can’t always avoid them. But why settle for family togetherness when we can talk about violent children armed with sofa cushions and shoes? Seriously, that comes up. As do terrible mashed potatoes, limerick parties, and trails of grease all over your mother’s nice floors. If nothing else, […]
All right, we’ve got a really stupid one for you this week. Have you ever wondered about bear attacks? Probably not. They’re pretty straightforward. But someone asked, so we’re telling you everything we know about life in the Bear Kingdom. Somehow we ended up reciting semi-obscene poetry and devising the greatest prank of all time. […]
Centuries ago, chain mail kept your ancestors safe from swords. Nowadays, it’s mostly used to make really impractical costumes. So where did it all go wrong? The answer involves fantasy swimwear, hunky adventurers, weresquirrels, and the collapse of the Global Brony Conspiracy. You know you’re curious about what the hell any of that means. Subscribe […]
This week, we’ve got an unusual request: lie about the extinction of the dinosaurs. Creationism, science fiction, alternate universes, we cover it all. We also debate what pheasants look like, chat with imaginary penguins, flip out about mini pizza bagels, and play a 100% illegal Pussy Riot song. Take that, Putin! Subscribe via RSS Subscribe […]
Oh, that’s right. Someone finally asked us the ultimate nerd question, and we’re ready to throw down. As it turns out, we’re kind of conflicted. Does Kirk’s impulsiveness really make him cool? Is Picard’s dedication just a lingering after-effect of an early trauma? Would you trust either of them to be the designated driver if […]
Why doesn’t the burger in the ad look anything like the actual burger you get at McDonald’s? We’re trying to find out, even if it means subjecting ourselves to varnished burgers, plastic sushi, and inexplicably waterproof towels. Whether you’re sending robots to Mars or just trying to make your competitor’s chicken look gross, this episode […]
The Olympics have started, and we noticed! Sure, the games themselves have barely gotten underway, but how about those opening ceremonies? We got to see muddy peasants, belching smokestacks, a giant Voldemort puppet, and stupid, stupid Matt Lauer! Did we like it? Are we excited? Is Matt Lauer really as stupid as we think? Download […]
We rely on dictionaries to tell us which words count as real words. So how should we react when they decide to add bits of internet slang to the canon? Turns out we’re mostly in favor of it, and we have some really good arguments that we stole from other people. So don’t worry; your […]
Do tiny dogs feel restricted when humans carry them around in purses, or do they just consider it a fun ride? That’s the question that led us on a journey through the world of miniature canines. Tune in if you’ve ever wanted to know about terrier combat, teacup elephants, or the prejudice that dachshunds face […]
Are certain careers more likely to lead to supervillainy than others? The comics would certainly have us think so, but are they telling the whole story? Are billionaires, scientists, and mutants the real threat? We have some theories, but first we need to work in some more Mitt Romney jokes. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via […]
A question about an especially tenacious rocker leads us into a referendum on the music of the 1990s. We ask where and how innovators go wrong, whether it’s worth it to play anything off the new album, and why “interesting” isn’t the same thing as “good.” If you’re feeling nostalgic, or just want to brush […]
You know how we discuss topics that people send in? Yeah, sometimes that backfires. Sometimes they submit something weird and uncomfortable. And you know what we do? We talk about celebrity sex tapes, stupid college party games, and the Golden Age of Poop Jokes. Seriously though, this was awkward. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes […]
Waiting in line. It’s annoying, it’s tedious, and we’re stuck with it. We explore the best ways to game the amusement park system, the polite chaos of urban crowds, and the inevitability of presidential politics. Plus, we analyze our dreams, design the Goodtimes family crest, and scream in high-pitched southern accents. (P.S. We’re hosting the […]
Ever feel like raising your own dragon? Well, don’t be too hasty. These are dangerous mythological creatures, and humans don’t exactly have a lot of experience with them. Still, we’re pretty sure it’ll work the same way it does on TV. We’re also pretty sure we know which dinosaurs we’d want to ride, why ostriches […]
We all know donuts are delicious, but do they hold any deeper meaning? What do they tell us about ourselves, our traditions, and our future? Turns out, kind of a lot. We discover what these delicious anytime snacks say about America, how they can save or ruin Christmas, and where they fit on Satan’s spreadsheet. […]
Oh look, we’re talking about something nerdy. Yes, we’re returning to the well that’s been so good to us so many times in the past, and this time we’ve brought collectibles, and a lot of questions. How many trading card games do we, as a society, really need? How can you make a balanced game […]
Admiral. Fish-person. Internet legend. Such is the wonder of Admiral Ackbar. You’re probably sick of seeing his sea-monkey-looking face and hearing his catchphrase, and we’re sensitive to that. We like to think we’ve found new depths to his character, and to the entire Star Wars universe. And Indiana Jones, and Captain Kirk, and while we’re […]
Normally I try to write a jokey little post here about how we couldn’t stay on-topic. Not this week. We talk about the real people who don super-suits and clean up the streets, and I don’t feel any need to joke about this because it’s awesome. Trust me; you want to listen to this episode. […]
How exactly can door-holding go wrong? All sorts of ways! Maybe there’s a tiger on the other side of the door or something! But even if there isn’t, you’re walking into a minefield of nostalgia and chivalry every time you hold a door for someone. If you want to survive, and maybe learn a few […]
Right now, on Earth, a group of billionaires have gotten together and decided we should extract resources from asteroids. And they’re building a spaceship to do it. Yes, it’s a topic so awesome that we didn’t even bother picking it at random. Learn all about who’s involved, what they’re doing, why it rules, and whether […]
Hybrids! It’s a kind of car, but it’s also a sciencey word for abomination! And if there’s one thing we love here at Breakfast with the Beak, it’s an unholy mutant squawking for our attention. Join us on a whirlwind tour of the world of genetic engineering, from the humble mule to the mighty spider-goat! […]
Fruit snacks, am I right? They sure do come in some crazy shapes. At least we think they do; we haven’t really kept up with them since elementary school. So the show mostly ends up being about the Titanic, Kim Jong Un, and our ongoing back-and-forth with Jay V Mail. Come for the show, stay […]
Oh, that’s right: this topic was submitted in all-caps. And we decided to go with it, because it’s a topic that demands the caps lock key. We can choose any totalitarian hellscape we want! So naturally, we decide to talk about Easter candy, behind-the-scenes publishing-world gossip, and alternate titles for John Carter. Oh, and the […]
How has no one asked us about the Muppets until now? And how have they never come up during any of the times that we’ve drifted off-topic? In short, why isn’t everyone constantly thinking about the Muppets? We can’t answer that, but we’re happy to answer just about any other Muppet-related questions our fans might […]
Season Two kicks off with what is easily one of the weirdest topics we’ve ever received. So of course we had a lot to say about it. How are soft drinks named, and who makes these decisions? Whatever happened to those big kegs of McDonalds orange drink? Why would we ever apologize for last week’s […]
For our season one finale, we got trolled again. A clever fan has exploited the topic-suggestion system, and we decided to go along with it because it was pretty funny, and it gave us an excuse to talk about Monopoly. Where lesser broadcasters would simply wax nostalgic about the little Scottie dog, we focus on […]
Twitter. You use it. You’ve probably even read some good stuff on it. But guess what? Some people have no idea what they’re doing on Twitter. They’re misspelling, abbreviating, going over their character limit… it’s downright unsportsmanlike! Oh, and a lot of them are just spamming you because they want to win an iPad or […]
This week, we got an offer from a company that wanted to sponsor a topic… and it immediately fell apart, and we wound up discussing the topic for free like a couple of chumps. Which means you get your household cleaning tips without any pesky advertisements! You’ll learn why you should never let cows into […]
Women be shoppin’, right guys? Seriously, we’re asking. We aren’t entirely sure. Are those men on the benches at the mall really waiting around for their wives, or are they just there for a Cinnabon and a little me-time? And can we stay on-topic long enough to figure it out? Of course not; we need […]
Danger: Diabolik! It’s been a long-running comic book, an infamous movie, an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and — in our overactive imaginations — a really amazing crossover episode of Archer. And despite all that, you’ve probably never heard of it. Listening to this episode won’t really help you with that, but we do […]
All right, get the obligatory nocturnal emission jokes out of the way. Done? Good, because that’s not what this show is about. This show is about the people who line up on the sidewalk to buy stuff as early as humanly possible. And weirdly enough, we don’t judge them. We have no problems with people […]
A guitar can make you a rock n’ roll god, but in the wrong hands it can ruin an otherwise great party. So how can we learn to spot the difference? Can a musical instrument be inherently cool or uncool? Can a staton wagon? If you pound on a bike helmet, does it really become […]
Another week, another Big Damn Question. This time, we’re trying to figure out when it’s appropriate to swallow all the pills in your cupboard at once. So tune in, because this episode has something to offend nearly everyone. And that’s not just marketing bullshit; this episode is actually pretty horrifying. From suicide to British tabloids […]
Generations of nerds have been told they will inherit the Earth someday, while their tormentors will end up mopping floors and pumping gas. But is there the slightest chance that real life works that way? We plan on getting to the bottom of that, mostly by examining the mediocrity of the world around us. Why […]
Running with scissors. It’s the classic childhood safety hazard, and the cornerstone of lazy jokes about mental illness. Are we going to talk about any of that? Kind of. But we’re pretty distracted, because the Governor of Mississippi just let a bunch of murderers out of jail for, like, no reason, and that’s way more […]
Truck Nuts! Scourge of the highways and back roads of this great nation! A stunning display of virility to one’s fellow motorists! Or maybe just some silly crap to stick on your car when your pissing Calvin sticker starts to lose its novelty. Whatever the case, we’re going to figure it out and still find […]
So many things start with the letter U! For example, “Uhhhhh,” which we say quite a few times while we try to work out where the hell to go with this topic. But that’s a good thing, because it’s New Year’s Day, and you don’t need too much excitement or noise when you’re hung over. […]
Are we going to let the fact that it’s literally Christmas day stop us from posting a new show? Hell no! It’s not even a gimmicky holiday episode! No, we’re celebrating the season by talking about our big plans for the end of the world, where we will make our living as dashing outlaws delivering […]
Do energy drinks work? Yes they do. Have we done semi-scientific experiments on ourselves using energy drinks? You know it. Do we have funny things to say about this topic? Probably. Join us in a magical world of extreme sports, questionable brand names, flying Englishmen, and rusty washtubs full of malt liquor, and we will […]
This week, some nefarious goings-on have forced us to talk about Tim Allen. What can Tim Allen teach us about modern American manhood? How much can we blame on him? And speaking of manly things, how long before we get distracted and start talking about that Rick Perry video? Have you seen that thing? That […]
What’s your strategy for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Sure, you think you have a pretty good plan, but we’re talking about it anyway because you asked. We damn “The Walking Dead” with faint praise, pitch a book to that lady who wrote “Twilight,” and tell some stories about the weird phone calls we get […]
It’s Beatles vs. Stones day, and we’re not wasting our time debating who the better band is… we’re just putting them in a cage match and letting them fight it out! Did Ringo have Care Bear-style superpowers? What the hell were the Care Bears’ powers anyway? When the hell did everyone’s suitcases get so big? […]
It’s our Thanksgiving Spectacular, and our topic is… surge protectors. Do they work? Yes. With that out of the way, we’re free to talk about pretty much everything else, whether that be frozen desserts shaped like real food, the stupid side of faster-than-light travel, or just some big-ass magnets. And if a whole bunch of […]
Wait, really? George W. Bush? This show didn’t even exist when he was President! But someone asked, so we’re going to examine his stupidity and, more importantly, his legacy. And by ‘legacy,’ we mean a gaggle of GOP candidates that we’re going to single out for mockery one by one. You like that? Yeah you […]
What separates a YouTube celebrity from, you know, a celebrity? Do millions of views matter if no one at the party has ever seen your show? Can we relate in any meaningful way to tween culture? These are the questions we’re avoiding this week as we discuss what it takes to be a breakout star […]
For years, a question has haunted mankind: how the hell did someone first figure out that cow milk was suitable for drinking? We answer that question, and explore the psychology of prehistoric humans, mostly by making shit up. Also, Leonardo da Vinci writes fan fiction about himself, a drinking game turns into a dramatic reading, […]
Why doesn’t your dehydrated fruit look as nice as Ron Popeil’s? If that question has been plaguing you for years, you can finally relax because we’re going to answer it for you! Travel into the mysterious world of food stylists, learn the truth about “painless” hair removal, and listen to us yammer on about Star […]
This week, we were supposed to talk about the urban legends surrounding the games we grew up playing. And we did for a while. But then we got really, really fixated on a minor character from a 17-year-old game that a lot of you might not even remember. But if you’re a fan of a […]
This week, we delve into the world of serious Biblical scholarship as we debate who would win in a no-holds-barred smackdown between Western religion’s most revered figures. How does this relate to Hitler’s time machine, star-whales, and fruit-bearing Ents? You’re going to have to listen to find out, but we promise it will become clear. […]
Flash mobs! Zombie walks! Out-of-control young people fucking up your commute! What does it all mean? We don’t know, but it’s this week’s topic, so we’re going to find something to say about it. Plus a bit of zombie history, a bit of convenience store robbery, and a lengthy discussion of Max Planck’s internet-meme potential. […]
How many superheroes should Ryan Reynolds get to play? I don’t know, because I am deathly ill and stoned out of my mind on flu medicine. So enjoy that, audience. I’m sure I did, even though I can’t remember recording most of this episode. Apparently, I came up with a better way to remake Footloose. […]
This week, we head back into space in search of white holes, where alternate universes may or may not be born. We intend to solve this mystery, even if we have to name-drop Neil DeGrasse Tyson several hundred times. Because seriously, how great is he? Somehow, we also end up talking about Waffle Nazis without […]
On the tenth anniversary of 9/11, we try to find something funny to talk about by going back to a simpler time: 1997! When Homer Simpson could talk shit about New York, and jokes about the World Trade Center were effectively meaningless! Eventually even that proves to be too much of a bummer, though, so […]
Well, we survived the hurricane, and to celebrate, we’re talking about all things Takei, and specifically why George Takei is awesome. And really the whole classic Trek cast. But mostly George Takei, a man who can make the word “douchebag” sound like a velvet sunrise in your ears. We also talk about YouTube a lot, […]
Hurricane Irene is bearing down on New York City, but we’re podcasting anyway. Why? Because the hurricane is just a distraction from the true threat: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, or CHUDs to the layman. When the subway tunnels flood, they’ll turn their attention to the world of the surface-dwellers, and our soft, pink, surface-dwelling skins […]
This week, Breakfast with the Beak is taking on the topic of famous puppets. So don’t worry. You-know-who isn’t famous yet, and does not appear in this episode. So join us as we burn off all the Tim Pawlenty jokes that we won’t get to use in the primaries, and maybe talk about some puppets […]
This week, we ask whether ghosts are real or imaginary. And we come up with an answer: we need our own TV show. Also, we consider the warlock-to-civilian ratio in America’s cities and the uselessness of crime-fighting cartoon dogs, and we remember the life of Bob the Buffalo Hunter. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes […]
The public wanted to know our opinions on colors with weird names, so we got out our big box of crayons and scribbled a new chapter in the Book of Grievances. Should kids be allowed to vote on color names? Did scientists make up indigo just so they’d have a better mnemonic device? Will painting […]
Have you ever driven in a rainstorm that was so bad that you had to pull over? That’s the question we’re trying to answer this week, and that fact that neither of us drives won’t stop us. We’re doing important work here, whether that means revolutionizing the way we teach physical education, or just reviewing […]
Our apartment has been hot as fuck this week, but we’ve got a topic to beat the proverbial heat! Can we unlock the mysteries of brain freeze? Are we one frozen beverage away from being able to carry on a civil conversation? Do Japanese girl bands really sing about banana chips? Is Tim Pawlenty an […]
The world is full of douchebags, and we’re going to find out why. How are we going to do that? The same way we always do: by asking a lot of questions, then getting distracted. What do we mean when we call someone a douchebag? What does Sarah Palin have in common with Viserys Targaryen? […]
It’s July 10, and that means it’s the birthday of history’s most badass inventor: Nikola Tesla. Whether he was perfecting his crow-hunting technique or soaring above the clouds in a flying machine that he conveniently forgot to take any picture of, Tesla set an example we should all follow, except for the part where Edison […]
Things get off to a rough start this week, thanks to some… confusion regarding my sidekick. Eventually we got it all worked out and really tried to talk about Qatar, but then someone mentioned penguins and it all sort of went to hell from there. Dude. Have you seen a penguin? They’re great! Subscribe via […]
This week, we present a public service announcement on the dangers of grad school. Will you find enlightenment and intellectual stimulation, or will you just divide your time between asking your parents for money and asking your professors for money? We’re still not sure, because we got distracted by the blinding blandness of Tim Pawlenty. […]
Yes, you read that right! Thanks to the trickery of an exceedingly clever fan, we’re executing the legendary 2x Topic Combo, and you good folks get to witness it. And why stop at the official topics? Let’s talk about sandworms! Or Mr. Belding! Or crazy Schroedinger time machines, which I swear will make sense in […]
This week, we’ve been called upon to discuss the fine art of graffiti. And we’re ready, whether that means drawing a mustache on a national landmark or accepting an Oscar in a gorilla mask. Also, we somehow get on the subject of bad music. I don’t know. Just listen to it. There’s a puppet show. […]
You asked us to talk about television. As in, all of it. And damn it, we tried. We also talked about Mrs. Butterworth, robot doppelgangers, and all the reasons Jeff Goldblum needs to get a houseboat and start solving mysteries. And why the hell not? Most of that stuff would totally work as a show. […]
Oh, that’s right. A topic so terrifying, we needed two colons in the title. Have we stumbled upon the greatest conspiracy of our age, or does it only exist in the fevered imagination of the listener who suggested this topic? We unravel the mysteries of exploding trees, rodent hallucinogens, and the finest, most exclusive cashews […]
No sense waiting for breakfast this week, because there may not be a world to eat breakfast in. We’re counting down to the Rapture, and you’re invited to listen in. Will the righteous be swept up to heaven? Will we be able to survive in the post-apocalyptic hellscape which surely awaits us? Will the cats […]
This week, we get a topic that we don’t exactly understand, but we’re determined to make the best of it. So if you’re a fan of puppetry, cereal mascots, or space travel, you’ll find something to like. And if you like horses and horse-themed beverages, you’re in for a real treat. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe […]
In our latest episode, we figure out just what is wrong with these damn teenagers today. Our findings are inconclusive at best, but we’re pretty sure it has something to do with everything being way less convenient when we were young. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3 Suggest a topic
This week, we dive headfirst into the world of webcomics and struggle to find some kind words for the format. Along the way, we dress pigeons in little janitor uniforms, spend some time on the holodeck with Blondie and Dagwood, and battle hordes of Breakfast with the Beak groupies. As usual, it will make more […]
In our latest episode, we shorten a needlessly long topic and wind up talking about all manner of summer fun. Along the way, we encounter an ocean full of abominations, croquet mallets raised in anger, snow-baseball, and the purest moment of joy that Johnny Goodtimes has ever known. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download […]
In this installment of Breakfast with the Beak, we take on what is arguably the greatest topic of all time: the philosophy of video games.? Join us in a wonderful universe where stealing from townspeople is encouraged, Dr. Wily will never compromise his artistic vision, and ninjas are able to deal with even the most […]
This week on Breakfast with the Beak, we answer one of history’s most enduring questions, “Oh my god, what’s wrong with your face?” As it turns out, the answer involves a secret cabal of warlocks, Jedi knights, and Pokemon masters at CNN. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3
In this week’s episode, we take on an impossibly broad topic: things that are green. Along the way, we’ll teach you everything you need to know about chlorophyll, Applefingers, fish farms, and the Great Rat-Octopus Wars of Ten Million A.D. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3
Our podcast officially premieres with a discussion of the Russian space program, which quickly deteriorates into a lengthy summary of the Blue Lagoon franchise. Learn all about the Sputnik Show, space-Viking funerals, and Eddie Murphy’s inevitable career in Martian cinema. And although we forgot to mention it in the podcast itself, our theme song is […]