Wit & Wisdom with Tom Greene: Recent Episodes
Tom Greene
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When life takes you on a detour through a series of potholes, focus on these five key pillars of happiness and you'll be just fine.
If you spend any time watching the news, it seems as if everyone is doing it today. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about lying. It's become a national pastime. Do we have an epidemic of "Liabetes"?
Of the myriad of happy emotions, from gratitude to contentment, the most underrated emo is hope. Hope is the ember at the bottom of the fire that refuses to go out. It's the green shoot that appears from a scorched earth. Because when everything else is stripped away, hope is the last light that remains.
I bet at some point you went through an existential crisis. A period where you questioned "why am I here?" A period that causes you to pursue that one true thing that defines your passion. But, what if there is no single passion? What if the great learning of life is to be patient and that meaning isn't often found in clarity, but in mystery.
Today's kids are raised differently. They live their lives with structured play, guardrails and constant adult supervision. The days of adventure and courage are long gone. And, it's making an entire generation lack courage.
Take a look around. See if you can find the color red. Bet you can't? Why? Because since the 1970's we've been slowly removing color from our world. 80% of all cars sold today are monochrome: gray, black or white. And, that's just the beginning. It's leaking into movies, comedy, food, music and branding. Yes, the world is quickly going "griege".
Like everything else today, we've outsourced dying. What was once a family and neighborhood affair has been converted to an institutional and sterile process. One handled by the utmost professionalism and care. But, one that is best managed by third parties, so as to avoid the messiness of it all. This is episode number 139 and you'll likely think differently about life (and death) after you listen.
There's something odd happening in the world. Men are finally opening up. Disclosing their most carefully guarded thoughts, feelings and secrets. It's to be applauded. But, here's the catch. They aren't opening up to therapists or friends. Their opening up to ChatGPT. It's fraught with ethical and legal issues. And, there are multiple cases where these Artificial Intelligence applications encouraged men to commit suicide. You don't want to miss this episode of Wit & Wisdom.
A female born today has a 5% chance of living to age 100. Which raises the question: if you could live to age 100, would you want to?
The Male Sedation Hypothesis isn’t just a clever phrase—it’s a glimpse into the quiet crisis playing out in plain sight.
If you were evil, I mean truly evil, how would you end the world without a gun or a nuclear bomb? Yeah, I know, kinda morbid. But, it's a perfect question to pose to ChatGPT to see how the computers and robots are going to take over. It gave me six, clear steps to destroy our society. The scary part is that most of it is already in process. You won't wanna miss this one.
The floods in the Texas hill country were gut-wrenching. And, our immediate reaction is often to assign blame to a person, a government or political party for creating the environment for such pain and loss. Sure, it's reassuring to find a culprit. And, it allows for a distraction from our unthinkable grief. But, is that the healthy thing to do at a time of such loss? You'll have to listen to find out.
Why is it that I struggle to remember my AMEX card number, but I can remember by 8th grade girlfriend's phone number? And, when did we decide that remembering things like phone numbers, birthdays and anniversaries was no longer worth the effort. Yes, technology is great, but I think it has cheapened thoughtfulness and intentionality. In the process we've slowly trained ourselves to stop paying attention to the things that really matter.
Have you ever had that feeling that you've met someone before? Or, that you've been someplace before but can't recall when or why? We've all been there. But, it's especially maddening to learn later that you had met that person earlier or that you had visited that place in the past. Which made me wonder, how many things are buried so deep in our subconscious mind that we can't easily recall them? And, what if those thoughts would cause us to lose friends or family relationships if they ever got out? We'll, you'll have to listen to find out where all this is headed but I bet you'll enjoy this little walk down memory lane.
We curate everything today: our news, our entertainment, our music, taxis and even our coffee. But, is all this customization really necessary? And, does it really bring our lives more peace? Or, do all those options make us immediately regretful of the decisions we make? You'll have to listen to find out.
I get it. You hate uncertainty. But, did you know that your brain actually thrives on uncertainty? Just imagine trying to explain to someone from 1974 how we book an airline ticket, select our seat, pass through TSA and board a commercial aircraft all without touching a single piece of paper or speaking to another human. Yet, we’ve all enhanced our lives despite all this change. Why? Because we secretly love uncertainty.
Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life and started noticing the same number everywhere? Or kept running into people who gave you the same advice? Or had a book fall in your lap with just the right message for the moment? Some call it karma. Others call it fate or destiny. But, in reality, these things are textbook examples of Synchronicity. The questions is whether you're paying enough attention to recognizer that the universe is trying to tell you something.
Have you ever noticed that the most confident people are typically with ones with the least expertise? It's true and it's the reason why researchers explored something called the Dunning Kruger effect. What is it? You'll have to listen to find out.
You've often heard that life is a journey. On that journey we will learn that our greatest impact came from the smallest of gestures. And, that my friend, is the reason why you're here.
We're living in the most connected time in history. But, we've never had a harder time genuinely connecting with one another. I blame the pandemic. With all that sheltering in place, we simply lost our social agility. But, this podcast will give you the roadmap for creating deeper connections with people you care about.
We all have a gift. A God-given talent that provides your life with purpose. These kinds of gifts are expressions of God's undying grace. And, your purpose is to discover it. Your life's work is to develop it. And, the meaning of life is to give it away.
Doesn't it seem like 15 minutes ago you were at a high school football game trying to figure out where everyone was going after the game? You blinked and 20, 30, 40 or 50 years went by in an instant. Which raises the question: does life really speed up as we age? Listen in to find out.
I know what you're thinking: that a big wheelbarrow full of Ben Franklins would make you pretty happy. And, yeah, it probably would. But, there is a diminishing return on how much happier it can make you. Listen to this episode to learn why.
We are living longer. A lot longer. And, that longevity is throwing a monkey wrench into the system. It's creating a generation "sandwiched" between their children and their aging parents. I've created five things that the sandwich generation needs to hear. It's a tough message but it's something we all need to contemplate.
Like water, wisdom surrounds us yet remains largely invisible. It's odorless, colorless and formless. We recognize it's importance, yet it often eludes us. True wisdom manifests not in what we say but in how deeply we listen.
Stoicism is a philosophy that emphasizes self-control, fortitude and living in accordance with nature. It originated way back in 300 B.C. And, guess what, Stoicism is having a moment....again. It's like a philosophical cockroach that survives thousands of years of wars, famine and drought only to reappear under your refrigerator.
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to thrive on being angry or unhappy? They always seem to be upset about something. The problem is that they're simply afraid of being happy. But, why? You'll have to listen to find out.
According to research, social isolation can lead to a plethora of mental health issues and can also lead to premature death. Researchers are learning that even casual interactions with total strangers can have a profound impact on our mental health. Surprisingly, interaction with total strangers also tend to bring enhanced happiness and well-being. In fact, people often share very intimate topics with strangers because the risk is so low. So, the next time you run into a total stranger you might just want to say, "hello, how is your day going?" You might just change the direction of their life.
For all the prosperity and freedom in the US, we ought to be pretty happy. Compared to other parts of the world, we've got it pretty good. But, would you believe that both Israel and Iceland beat us in the annual World Happiness Report? It's true. So, what is it that's causing us to be so miserable that a war torn country and a frozen Tundra are kicking our butts. You'll have to listen to find out.
After decades of declining religious affiliation, the hemorrhage has finally stopped. So, are we really experiencing a spiritual rebirth or is this just a momentary pause in the "Exodus"? Let's find out together.
Over 60% of young men today have no interest in sex. They are twice as likely as young women to be unattached, asexual and lonely. If the 1960's ushered in the sexual revolution, the mid 2020's are ushering in the asexual revolution. Why? You'll have to listen to find out.
Somewhere along the way to adulthood, we lost the ability to be curious about the world. We lost that sense of awe and wonder about things for which we know so little. What happened? And, more importantly, how do we get it back?
Pretty much everyone in the US wants to be rich. Not for the money, but for the fragile promise of happiness that comes with money. But, how much money does it take to be rich today? The answer might just surprise you.
So, what could cause a well-educated, Ivy League Engineer to murder the CEO of a major American corporation? Well, in order to murder someone you have to be a nut job and also a psychopath. But, I also think Luigi Mangione lost faith in our American institutions.
Ever wonder why people in those weight loss ads lose so much weight when you gain five pounds driving past a Dairy Queen? Well, the answer is in the missing evidence.
The digital age has turned the bedroom into a thriving marketplace. Apps like Hinge, Tinder, Grindr and Bumble are making the finding of sexual partners more efficient than ever. But, do these Apps really work. And, if so, how come more people don't seem to be getting married these days. Tune in to find out.
Today, a growing number of young couples are prospectively choosing NOT to have children. Instead of birthday parties and little league games, they're choosing bottomless mimosa brunches and maximizing frequent flyer miles. But, do you think these folks are going to suffer a period of existential dread and regret later in life? Maybe. But, you'll have to listen in to understand this complex topic more clearly.
The American Dream is our collective belief that anyone can be successful here. And that upward mobility is not dependent on anything but our willingness to work hard. But, what is the American Dream today? And, how do our changing views on work, college education, marriage and children change our view of the American Dream. You'll have to listen to find out.
It's almost over. The ads, the debates, the incessant text messages from candidates. Yes, the American Presidential election is almost over. But, before it ends, we ought to talk about how we got here. How we got to a point where the country is split into two teams: red and blue. And, more importantly, how you can best handle what is surely to be a tumultuous few weeks-regardless of who wins. There are two options. One leads to a life of anger and anxiety. The other leads to a life of peace. You get to choose.
We expect and even demand order in all things: our health, our faith and our relationships. But, that's totally unreasonable. Why? Because it's normal and inevitable for life to go through periods of disorder. In fact, it's disorder that brings the biggest opportunities in life. But, you'll have to listen to find out why....
Despite spending more on our healthcare than any other industrialized nation, our life expectancy is falling. We're now below Australia, Japan, Switzerland and Hong Kong. The cause is our inability to steer clear of ultraprocessed foods that are full of poisons. But, I bet you don't know who is responsible for all these engineered foods that are slowly killing us. You'll have to listen to find out and it'll shock you.
There's only one thing wrong with dogs. They age seven times faster than we do. That's why the love of a great do will bring you some of the very best days of your life. And, perhaps, one of the worst. Because every dog owner knows that one day, hopefully long into the future, you'll have to let your best friend cross the "rainbow bridge".
Everywhere you turn these days it appears that we are in a moral free fall. Some would even surmise that the "end of days" is near. But is it true? Are we really in a state of moral decline? You'll have to listen to this episode of Wit & Wisdom to find out.
Have you noticed that you get really anxious when you watch the news these days? It seems like the world is falling apart right before our very eyes. What if I told you that the news media is doing this on purpose? What if I told you that their objective is more about keeping you tuned in and anxious than reporting the news. Well, that probably wouldn't surprise you. But, before you get yourself all jacked up, let me tell you about the Great Horse Poop Crisis of 1894. It'll make you feel a lot better.
Today’s kids are the product of the most mental health interventions, the most therapy, the most anti-anxiety meds, and the most understanding and empathetic parents in history. Yet, Generation Z (Gen Z) kids are suffering record levels of psychological distress. Why? Listen to this important episode and I'll explain why. So, where did we go wrong?
We all worry. It's a uniquely human activity. Maybe it's something at work or an argument about who loaded the dishwasher last night. I don't know. Maybe you're worried about the state of American politics. Or, the recent attempt on a former President's life. It's all a little unsettling. But, here's the thing. None of it matters. In 100 years you and I will both be dead. So will our children, our friends and everyone else we ever met on earth. Yes, it's a short existence on the big blue marble. So, let's not waste our time here worrying about silly things like politics or the dishwasher. I hope you enjoy this though provoking conversation.
Something totally unexpected happened in the US following the Pandemic era. People stopped having sex. That's right. We're at an all time low for sex and an all time high for a bunch of other things that aren't terribly healthy. It raises the question: Are We in a Sex Recession?
Remember when Americans only argued about whether Chicago or New York had the best hot dogs or pizza? Those were the salad days. Today we can't even agree on whether hot dogs can have ketchup or not. A recent WSJ/NORC survey suggests that we are losing faith in things we typically reserved as sacrosanct in our country. Things like patriotism, family, friendship and faith in a higher power. Listen to this episode to find out why we are losing faith in those things that made this country great.
Despite living in one of the most optimistic times in history, younger Americans are more afraid of the world than previous generations. They're a mess when it comes to Anxiety and Depression. The good news is that we’ve made huge strides in destigmatizing those mental health maladies. There is little shame or disgrace in anxiety and most other mental health conditions today.However, in an effort to destigmatize mental health, we’ve opened an entire generation of kids to using their mental health issues as a part of their identity. Listen to this episode to learn why the kids are now self diagnosing themselves with major conditions like Bi-Polar Disorder and Autism....and announcing their diagnosis to millions of people around the world.
Today’s kids are the product of the most mental health intervention, the most therapy, the most anti-anxiety meds and the most understanding and empathetic parents in history. But, the kids are also the most anxious, depressed, medicated, lonely, sad and fearful kids in history.With all this sympathy and intervention, shouldn't our kids be improving? Shouldn't the number of kids suffering from anxiety and depression be going down? (Hint: it goes up every single year.)Tune in to learn why much of the struggling might just be our fault.
The Great Recession in 2008-2009 started a downward trend in the birth rate. The slide continued until we hit an all-time low in fertility 2020. That’s surprising since people were quarantined at home and should’ve been more active in the slap & tickle department. The US population hit a record low the following year. Not good. So, will the next generation buck the fertility trend in order to save Social Security and Medicare before it goes bankrupt? Listen to this episode to find out.
We are living in terribly polarizing times. But, how did we get here? The answer requires a little history lesson....and a little background in architecture. Yes, architecture.
It's that time of year in the United States. A time filled with anxiety and, even, dread. Yes, we are in the window each spring when high school seniors (and their parents) anxiously await to see whether Junior got into his "dream school". Yes, an enormous amount of anxiety is in the air. But, what if I told you that none of this really matters? That your kid's success has very little to do with the their college acceptance or even their college completion. If you're out standing by your mailbox waiting on the mail you definitely need to give this a listen.
There's a violent cultural shift coming. You can't see it yet, but it's rolling down the track like a speeding freight train. When it hits it will reverberate across the land like rolling thunder on a late summer night. So, what's this violent cultural shift? Tune in to find out.
If the past few years have taught us anything, it's that life is uncertain. Everything is fluid. Everything. Our health. Our livelihood. Our family. Our politics. Our peace of mind. It's all fluid. Have you already forgotten about the pandemic? I thought so....
Each season holds meaning in our lives. Some seasons, like spring and summer, create energy with their abundant light. But, winter is a time of rest, stillness and reflection. An opportunity to grow in the midst of uncertainty. It's a metaphor for life. But, fortunately, spring always comes with it's light a green shoots. We evolve stronger, rested and resilient, ready to begin afresh, empowered by the light.
Trying to matter can be an inspiration for an enormous amount of goodness. However, it can be a curse if we spend our entire lives trying to matter for the wrong reasons.
It's the season of giving all around the world. And a great time to focus on those we love and those less fortunate than us. It's also time to recognize the 2023 Altruist of the Year award winner: Jimmy Donaldson. He can cure blindness. How? Well, you're gonna have to tune in to find out.
It’s the single most important question of every man’s life. And, it’s imperative that you know the answer. The answer to this single question can provide much needed grounding throughout the course of your life. But, you'll have to listen to find out what it is.
No matter how you slice it, today's generation of men are lonelier than ever. The pressures of work, marriage and trying to be the "Dadliest Dad" on the planet mean that friendships take a backseat. For most men, there's a sense of guilt associated with maintaining friendships. But, with today's pressures, men need friendships more than ever.
Tough questions: what do you want the end of your life to look like? Do you prefer heroic measures and last-ditch efforts to save your life, like CPR and intubation? Would you want to pursue every possible clinical pathway to life, regardless of the drastic nature of the procedure or the quality of life that might result? Or, would you prefer to enjoy your last days at home, surrounded by friends and family and music and dogs? These are important questions, even if they are incredibly difficult.
We often think of Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos as our benchmarks of wealth. But, that's like comparing your golf swing to Victor Hovland's golf swing. But, here's the secret. Comparing yourself to these gazillionaires will only leave you feeling inadequate. The simple truth is that if you live in the United States, Canada or Great Britain you are already rich. Crazy rich when you compare our incomes and standard of living to other countries. So, how much money does it take to be considered rich in the world's richest countries? You'll have to listen to find out. (Hint: it's not as much as you think.)
The simple truth about men is that our thoughts are not that complex. Most men aren’t thinking about another woman or nuclear fusion or how to cure pancreatic Cancer. In a recent study, researchers established that the average man thinks about sex 19 times a day. (One respondent claimed to think about sex 388 times a day.) But, frankly, most men think about food and sleep a lot more than sex. So, other than these things, what do men think about? You'll have to listen to find out.
Prior to the pandemic, 60% of people worked in an office or other workplace setting. Fast forward a few years and only around 20% of people are back in the office. Listen to this podcast to learn the latest trends following The Great Resignation. Things like Quiet Quitting and Bare Minimum Mondays. If everything is so rosy in the work from home community, why are so many people unhappy at "work"? Lots to uncover in this important episode.
Quick question: What demographic in America has the highest suicide rate? It’s the angsty teens and their social media addiction, right? Wrong. Could it be those middle-aged millennials (25-44)? Nope. Then, it must be the Gen X’ers. Wrong again. The demographic with the highest rate of suicide in the US is..... I guess you'll have to listen to find out.
I’ve been writing about happiness a lot lately, and as I think back on those articles, I realize they can be boiled down to five secrets. So, here we go!
Life’s major milestones, like graduating college, getting married, or achieving a promotion, may feel like reaching that proverbial summit. Here’s the thing though, reaching those milestones is only half the journey. It’s just the beginning of the trek down Mt. Everest. Reaching them is like the starter’s pistol for a new chapter, whether it’s a new career, raising a family, or proving you deserved that promotion. Achieving the goal isn’t the “end goal,” it’s simply a means to an end (goal).
There are instances when worrying can be constructive. I call it “constructive anxiety.” For example, it can help you prepare for something important, like delivering a speech in front of a large audience. Moderate levels of worry can help mentally prepare you for stressful tasks. However, excessive worry drains your energy and instills fear, making it a potentially distracting emotion when used in excess. But, is worry really worth the trouble?
Regret is a thief. It can literally rob your life of joy and happiness. It is the enemy of imagination, creativity, and, most importantly, contentment. You simply cannot be content and regretful at the same time.
Regret is the most private feeling or emotion we own. Nobody really wants to air all of their dirty laundry, right? Deep down, we all have a lockbox full of those cringeworthy decisions. Decisions that, when replayed in our minds, can stop us in our tracks.
As we approach Independence Day, an American holiday loaded with baseball and hot dogs, I’m mindful of the ties that bind. The things that bind us together as a nation. Things like patriotism, family, friendship and faith in a higher power. Those long-held American values that define us and make America great. (They also form the foundation of every good country music song.) But, as we approach Independence Day in the United States, we are seeing a rising level of, well, independence. And, a sense that people are abandoning these long-held values.
Life isn’t about avoiding struggle. It’s about how we see those challenges and our ability to come back stronger, wiser. As the saying goes, nobody gets out of here alive. Nobody. So, let's dive into to the three secrets of resilient people.
I believe that most people in this country are good people. I believe that most people in this country are kind. And, that we are the friendliest and most generous country on earth. But, every once in a while we run into Ass-Clowns. You know, those people that enjoy making an ass of themselves? These kind of people can lead you to believe that the world has changed; has become less friendly and more self serving. Maybe. But, for the most part, nothing has changed. I’ve started to catalog some of the nice things that happen during my day. And, I’ve found some great thinkers that agree with me. You’ll love this episode and likely feel better about the world in ten minutes or less.
Over 60% of young men are single today. Why? They just aren’t interested in having sex. What???It’s true. Young men today are more than twice as likely as young women to be unattached, asexual, lonely and friendless. I wrote about this earlier in a piece called The Laziest Generation in American History and The Friendless American Male. This asexual trend applies to both heterosexual and LGB males. So, why is this happening? You'll have to tune in to this week's episode of Wit & Wisdom to find out.
McLeod Buckham-White was, perhaps, the finest young man I’ve ever met. On the outside he was a quiet, humble soul whose smile and amazing voice could light up a room. On the inside he was quietly troubled by forces greater than himself. On March 30, 2023, McLeod Buckham-White climbed the steps of the Wien Residence Hall at Columbia College in New York and “slipped the surly bonds of earth”, ending the battle that had been raging inside of him.
Life is full of an enormous amount of uncertainty. It's painful, at times. That uncertainty, and our willingness to embrace it, is the key to spiritual growth.
Have you ever wondered what the key ingredients of a meaningful life are? An 80 year old Harvard study on aging holds the secret.
I think you can learn a lot about people by how they handle bullshit. When you watch someone totally lose their marbles on an airline gate agent over a delayed flight, it tells you something about them. It tells you they don’t do travel very well. It tells me they don’t do life very well, either. Cause when things go awry, it doesn’t matter who you are. Or, what your status is. Or, how important you think you are. Delays in travel are normal bullshit. And, losing all your marbles won’t change the outcome. In fact, you’re just making an unfortunate situation worse for everyone else. (And, you may never see your luggage again.)
About 90% of parents responded that it’s extremely or very important to them that their children become financially independent. Roughly the same number of parents responded that it’s extremely or very important that their children have jobs or careers they enjoy. The stunning part is that parents weigh these outcomes as four times more important than other more traditional aspirations, like getting married or having children. So, what happened to the American Dream?
Since none of us will get out of here alive, don’t you think we ought to identify the things we truly love to do? And, try to do them as many times as possible before we die? I do. And, so does Bill Perkins, the author of my new favorite book: Die with Zero.
As we travel through the various seasons of life, there is a dramatic shift in who we spend our time with. We develop relationships with friends, family, co-workers, partners, etc. But, how does our commitment to these constituencies change over time-and why?
Each season holds meaning in our lives. Some seasons, like spring and summer, create energy with their abundant light. But, the end of Daylight Savings Time in the fall introduces a season where light becomes scarce. The transition can be difficult for some. Many suffer from seasonal affective disorder as less sunlight impacts the production of serotonin and melatonin. Yes, after 100 years of Daylight Savings Time, our bodies still struggle to process the change and prepare for winter. Winter is a time for the plants and animals to go into survival mode. The trees shed their leaves and prepare for the storms of winter. The animals store up food or hibernate. Oddly enough, even in the harshest of winters, neither the plants or the animals seem to be bothered by the cold or the darkness. But, we humans are. So, what is the message that nature is trying to send us? And, how can we learn to weather the storm and come out more resilient on the other side?
A recent survey suggests that the happiness of today’s young adults has crashed over the last few years. So, what’s making the kids so unhappy? Let's dive in and find out together....
As grown-ass adults, we should be able to openly discuss public health policy. Not to hold executions of our public officials as Twitter suggests, but to determine the best way forward. And, we ought to be able to do that without fear of recrimination so that next time we are prepared to handle a public health emergency with a little more grace.During the height of the pandemic, California and Florida presented two very disparate approaches to controlling the spread. California is the fifth largest economy in the world, so one might argue that their aggressive lockdowns were necessary. Florida is the 15th largest economy in the world. It remained largely open after the initial lockdowns. This is important because in about 15 minutes the governors of those states are gonna be in a slug fest for the 2024 Presidency. So, which state faired better?
When we’re unhappy we buy things to make ourselves feel better. Even if we don’t have the money. Some folks call it “retail therapy”. But, when times are tough we choose less expensive options. The advertising world knows this strategery as Premium Mediocrity. Just watch any episode of Mad Men to learn more.Premium Mediocrity is all about creating the illusion of exclusivity. Critics might argue that my writing is Premium Mediocrity. There’s an illusion of exclusivity-and it’s sometimes mediocre. Hope you enjoy this mediocre podcast.
Leading up to the pandemic in 2020, things were generally okay in this country - for most people. The economy was hot, unemployment was low, and the stock market was on fire. We were all feeling bulletproof. Then the pandemic hit and everything changed in an instant.
The flexibility and autonomy created a greater appreciation for time. A greater appreciation for freedom, for family, for friendship and for a higher quality of life. Yes, the lasting legacy of the Pandemic is a shift in the things we truly value. Suddenly people had the autonomy and flexibility they craved. Things once reserved for Robin Leach and the “champagne wishes and caviar dreams” crowd. As if we, all at once, tasted their freedom. And, the people cheered.
Research at some of America's finest academic Universities are exploring the impact of psilocybin on treatment resistant depression. Yes, it turns out that Timothy Leary was on to something big back at Woodstock in the 60's. Are magic mushrooms about to have a revival? Listen to find out.
Turn on any cable news network or open any newspaper and the message is the same. This election is the most important election in American history. Democracy literally hangs in the balance. Some might even suggest that if the vote goes the wrong way…that people will die. Extremely disturbing stuff, except it’s all complete horseshit. Give me ten minutes and I'll explain why.
Prior generations had tremendous respect for wisdom. Think: Abraham Lincoln, T.S. Elliot and Martin Luther King, Jr. But, in earlier times there were far fewer voices. And, with fewer voices there was less tolerance for bullshit.
Today it seems that everyone has a megaphone. The most outrageous voices have the biggest platforms. People like the Kardashians and Kanye West. People with little intellect or wisdom. And, despite their low intelligence, they have enormous following of devoted fans.
Can you imagine complaining about your Organic Chemistry class and actually getting the Professor fired? Well, it happened at NYU. But, the Professor may have the last laugh....
Divorce after age 50 is on the rise. Between 1990 and 2010, the so-called “gray” divorce rate doubled in the United States and continues to climb. But, why is this happening? Could it have anything to do with Viagra????
The United States is drifting away from it’s aristocratic roots. We are exchanging the old, formal ways of life for newer, more casual ways of living. King George, III must be rolling over in his grave at Windsor Castle.
I’m a big fan of casual. But this drifting has blown us off course. The drift has normalized casual sex and drugs.
We live in a seemingly more dangerous world. Last week, September 11th reminded us that there is still evil in the world.
Anxiety about our children’s safety can often turn the most rational human into an overprotective parent.
According to a recent study, parents spend an astounding 37 hours each week worrying about their children.
It was an exciting week for about 43 million Americans. President Biden announced he will forgive up to $20,000 of college loan debt. With a stroke of the pen, the President wiped away between $400 billion and $600 billion in student loan debt. The move also extends the moratorium on student loan repayments to January 2023, a full two years after the initial payment pause was initiated. But, is this the best way to fairly spend our tax dollars?
It’s hot. And, unless you’re in complete denial I think we can both agree that the planet is getting hotter.
Last week, 60 Minutes ran a story on the alarmingly low water levels in our western reservoirs.
It seems the mighty Colorado River is getting thirsty, The river serves seven western states and 30 Native American tribes. It’s the lifeblood of the region. The river has been suffering from the impact of an epic drought, as it struggles to serve it’s 40 million constituents.
But the river is also suffering from immense population growth. According to the 1990 US Census, California had 29.8 million residents. Today, California boasts 39.2 million residents. According to Stanford University, the state has 1,500 dams and more than 1,300 reservoirs that can store 43 million acre-feet of water. But, the last new reservoir was build in 1980. So, the supply simply cannot meet the demand for water.
Lake Mead sits just behind the majestic Hoover Dam in Nevada. It supplies water for the city of Las Vegas and surrounding areas. As the water level recedes, the Lake is giving up her ghosts. This week authorities removed the fifth skeleton from the lake.
I’m afraid of snakes; actually terrified of snakes. But, what if I told you that more people die each year taking selfies than die from snake bites? Yes, it’s truly the age of vanity.
Some people will literally die for the perfect “selfie”. In fact, the trend even has a name: the kilfie. That’s right, people are taking enormous risks to create a photo in search of likes on the social media platform Instagram. The interwebs are littered with articles of The Top Ten Most Dangerous Selfies.
The US House of Representatives passed the massive Inflation Reduction Act on Friday on a purely partisan vote. The $430 billion bill includes new taxes totaling $739 billion. Here are some of the highlights of the Schumer-Manchin bill:
$9 billion for climate agricultural programs to reduce bloating in cows;
$27 billion for local and state governments to procure zero-emissions technology;
$60 billion for “environmental justice programs, and
Enormous subsidies for wind, solar energy, electric vehicles and energy-efficient housing materials.
I’m not an economist, but dontcha think if everything is getting crazy expensive it’s a good time for the government to put the Amex card away?
We have all been living in the future. A future full of cheap, on-demand services willing to cater to your every whim. Need a ride, hail Uber. Need an idea for dinner? Blue Apron delivers a five-star meal kit to your home. Need a dozen Krystal burgers at 2am? Postmates brings it to your doorstep. But, the era of uber-cheap Uber and other subsidized, on-demand services is nearing an end. Yes, it’s true, the Millennial lifestyle subsidy is ending.
Do you dread watching the News? Turns out you are not alone. But, there’s more to it than you think. Let me explain.
Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last two years, you’ve noticed that crime in America has exploded. We can blame Covid or gun laws or poverty, but what if this spike in crime was altogether predictable and preventable? Let me explain.
Back in 2020 when you and I were trying to find toilet paper and Chardonnay, America’s major cities turned into something out of a Marvel comic book. A recent study suggests a perfect storm occurred. As Covid forced many cities into lockdown, our politicians moved quickly to change public policy around incarceration. At the same time, calls for defunding the police reverberated across the US.
The immediate result was a shortage of police officers on the street. As a result, arrests in 2020 fell by 25%. This dramatic reduction in enforcement caused criminals to become more brazen. See, the bad guys are dumb but they aren’t stoopid. They quickly figure out that the rules have changed and they can get away with murder…literally. During a twelve month period in 2020, American jails reported 1.6 million fewer admissions.
We are all wandering through a difficult time in history. War in Ukraine, inflation, shootings in Uvalde & Highland Park, political division, gun violence in our cities and bitter disagreement on the issue of abortion. Meanwhile, ordinary people are trying to find meaning in the turmoil; trying to sort it all out. Like Alexander Papaderous hopelessly trying to put the mirror pieces back together.
It’s one of the reasons why I wrote Why We Lost Faith in Our Institutions and Each Other last month. Author David Brooks calls this loss of faith “the great disembedding.” We once embraced tight communities, and hierarchical, human organizations with prescribed social norms. You know, those core institutions made America the greatest place in earth?
Our core institutions have value, even if all institutions are flawed. For all their imperfections, core institutions are the best way to transfer goodness to future generations.
Instead, we now embrace a hyper-individualistic way of life. A society almost totally devoid of social, emotional or physical contact....
America’s past two Presidents were the oldest in history. President Joe Biden will turn 80 in November. As the New York Times recently pointed out, Mr. Biden is the oldest serving U.S. President at age 79. He will be 82 when he finishes his first term. If Donald Trump chooses to run in 2024, he will be 78 years old.
For gosh sakes, don’t these guys have any grandkids to play with?
Yes, my friends, we are only a mere 867 days away from the next Presidential slugfest. That means we are about 15 minutes away from the first campaign ads for the Red and Blue teams hitting our television screens. It’s yet another reason to watch Netflix instead of cable.
The nation’s political pundits are already starting to handicap the race. The word “handicap” is appropriate. Let me explain.
Where were you were when the Twin Towers fell in New York City? How about when 58 people were killed and 500 people were injured at the MGM Grand hotel in Las Vegas? Why is it that some mass casualty incidents stick with us while others do not?
While we can instantly recall our location when the Twin Towers fell, we have a harder time with catastrophic events that fall short of mass-calamity. While we can all name a few events like MGM, Columbine and Sandy Hook, our memories quickly grow faint after tragedies. Do you recall the 2018 Santa Fe Texas High school shooting? Eight students and two teachers were murdered by a 17-year old student. Or, what about Community College in 2015? A 26 year-old student opened fire killing eight and wounding nine. I have no recollection of either event. But, why? Listen to find out.
Trust is the foundation of all relationships. But, in America, trust in our institutions and trust in each other is falling faster than Amber Heard’s net worth. According to Pew Research, two-thirds of adults think Americans have little or no confidence in the federal government.
Ironically, in an era where we trust so little we often over-trust our leaders. For example, everyone loves the idea of term limits. But we keep re-electing the same knuckleheads every term. It seems we like the idea of term limits for other people’s elected officials, not ours. For example, Senator Mitch McConnell has been a US Senator since I was in high school. Senator Chuck Schumer has been in the Senate for 23 years. And, of course, President Biden has been in Washington since Jesus was a boy.
For the second time in nine days, gunshots rang out in a gruesome and heartbreaking mass shooting. When the smoke cleared, 19 innocent children between the ages of 7 and 10 years old were dead. Two teachers were also murdered. First Buffalo, now Uvalde, Texas. Will this senseless violence ever stop?
The Robb Elementary School shooting is the 212th mass shooting event this year. We’ve already had 27 school shootings and it’s only May. It’s the deadliest shooting event in the US this year. These mass murders are a uniquely American epidemic.
Americans are 25 times more likely to die from a gun homicide than other developed countries. But, why? Every country in Europe is struggling with mental health. But, 18-year old kids with mental health problems in Europe aren’t shooting up schools.
Is it finally time to do something about the guns in the United States?
After two years of hand-washing and social distancing we finally have a reprieve from “14-days to stop the spread”. But, ironically, we have simply moved from one crisis to another. Enter monkeypox and $10 a gallon gasoline. Not to mention the world’s supply of wheat has about ten-weeks remaining. Start sharpening your elbows cause you’ll soon be hip-checking your neighbor for the last loaf of Roman Meal bread at the grocery store.
As my friend Michael Chaiken said recently, “younger people are realizing that the current order of things being dictated by the media, politicians and celebrities is failing them. The millennials, in particular, are seeing skyrocketing rates of mental illness and suicide. They’re yearning for something else to center and ground them.”
The door is wide open for a spiritual awakening like no other.
The oldest millennials will turn forty years old this year. Yes, the kids are all grown up, but they're terribly unhappy. Many millennials are lonely, burned out and depressed. But, why? This the the most educated, upwardly mobile generation in history. Listen to this week's article to find out why we have an entire generation feeling like they got a raw deal from life.
What do Athletes like Tom Brady, Tiger Woods and Maria Sharapova have in common? That’s right, they all gorge themselves on the same legal, performance enhancing drug: sleep. Listen to this episode to learn why many folks are now turning to separate bedrooms to enhance their sleep. It' the hottest thing in "big time" real estate: separate master bedrooms.
Residents of Shanghai, China are now in a full-blown lockdown. It was supposed to last 48 hours. Its been seven weeks. It’s the Chinese Communist Party’s version of 14 days to stop the spread. But, wait until you hear what they are doing to family pets to keep the virus at-bay. It's gut wrenching.
On April 1, 2022, while you and I were consumed by The Slap Heard Around the World, the US House of Representatives quietly passed a landmark bill. The bill, which gained bipartisan support, decriminalizes the recreational use of Marijuana. My gut tells me that the ass-clowns in Washington, DC are about to have a big announcement on 4.20. Are we about to finally see the decriminalization of weed?
Like all major scandals, it’s never about the crime. (see also, Watergate, College Admissions Scandal, Opioids, etc.) It’s always the cover-up that does the real damage. That, too, will be the lasting impression of the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap fight. It will be the way Will Smith handled the aftermath that will forever damage his brand.
So, is this a momentary stain on the Hollywood red carpet? Or, is it something much larger? Something that will leave a permanent blemish on the red carpet and on The Fresh Prince’s career? Listen to this podcast to find out.
Two cadets from the United States Military Academy remain on life support after a larger group overdosed on cocaine, laced with deadly Fentanyl. It is a highly concentrated, synthetic opioid that is 80–100 times stronger than morphine. It was designed for severe pain management. But, since that time, illicit Fentanyl has become a weapon of mass destruction.
The United States seized over 15,000 pounds of Fentanyl from the market last year. That’s enough drugs to potentially kill every single American.
Research shows that when people turn age 65, one-half get happier. The other half get sadder. What is the key difference between these two groups? Before we answer that question, I think we can agree that we are all trying hard to be successful. Regardless of what your definition of success might be. But, the reality of life is that the more successful you are, the sadder you are likely to be later in life. Most people assume it’s the “retirement blues”, but it’s way bigger than that. The resulting sadness is derived from the loss of identity, satisfaction and purpose that success brings. Listen to learn more.
In most social circles, outside of truck stops and biker bars, swearing is considered to be vulgar. And, quite possibly, a sign of lower intelligence. So why the #&@% are we swearing so much these days? Listen to find out.
While our politicians in Washington play games, the world’s most evil dictators have been preparing for war.
Our lives today are the antithesis of seclusion. We are surrounded by chattering voices: the talking heads on TV, podcasts, Social Media, Netflix and the constant buzzing and pinging of smart phones. Life is anything but seclusive. It’s nearly impossible to hear yourself think-or to think for yourself. After all, those chattering voices are simply a cacophony of other people’s thoughts, not yours. That's why we need to take time for personal solitude. Time to think, time to meditate, time to pray. It's the key message in Henry David Thoreau's Walden and it's as relevant today as it was 169 years ago.
There is no objective measure of happiness. No emotional thermometer to test our temperature. So the only way to objectively measure happiness is to simply ask, “how happy are you?”
In reality, more money makes us happier but only to a point. The study below shows “nail in the coffin” proof of happiness and money. Happiness improves with money, but only until about $75,000 per year. Then it pancakes.
So the real question here isn’t “how do I get what I want?” The real question is “what do I want?”
So why is Joe Rogan causing such a stir? And, why is the pitch fork-cancel culture coming for his head? In early January, a group of 270 Scientists and Doctors signed an open letter to Spotify.
The letter accused Rogan of “promoting baseless conspiracy theories”. Further, it demanded that Spotify attempt to remove any efforts to spread mis-information about the virus. The controversy boiled over in late January as several musicians demanded their music be removed from the platform. It started with Neil Young, but now includes Joni Mitchell. Earlier today, Randy Watson from Sexual Chocolate announced they are pulling their music from Spotify.
Over the past few decades, the United States has seen a precipitous drop in the labor force participation rate. Surprisingly, this trend is most pronounced for young men ages 20–24. The labor participation rate for this group fell by almost 10% between 1996–2016. That’s a larger reduction in hours than any other demographic, male or female. At this point only 73% of those age 20–24 are even trying to find work.
Today’s research shows that 67% of 13-year-old boys and about 40% of 13-year-old girls have seen at least one pornographic image in the last twelve months. These numbers are wrong, way wrong. I’m not trying to upset you, but if you have boys there is almost a 100% chance they’re watching porn. At a certain age, the temptation and availability are simply too great to ignore.
What many people fail to realize is that anything worth doing has some risk. And, risk is scary. As James Clear wrote, “Fear is the gas pedal, not the brake.” It’s the risk that makes life exciting. It’s the risk and the reward that creates the opportunity for real happiness and fulfillment to flourish.
There is a lack of grace and kindness today in the simple ways that people treat one another. And, for some reason, that lack of grace and kindness is more pronounced at 35,000 feet. When people feel entitled, they tend to be Ass-Clowns. (See also: bonehead, fat-head, ass-monkey, ass-hat, wanker, moron, etc.). That arrogance leads people to ask commercial flight crews questions like, “Do you know who I am?” And, that question is rarely a de-escalator in a conflict. That question can lead to a flight attendant grabbing the PA and asking passengers if anyone knows the man sitting in 14F, cause he can’t remember who he is. (I made up the Ass-Clown Index. It’s not a real thing.)
I suspect that future generations will look back on us and laugh at how much time we spent on things that are so inconsequential and meaningless. Likely in the same way that our generation laughs at prior generations for glamorizing the use of lung darts. It begs the question of whether Facebook is the new smoking?
There is a boy crisis in America. By any objective measure, from Pre-K to College, boys are less resilient and less ambitious than they were a short time ago. Worldwide, boys are 50 percent less likely than girls to meet basic proficiency in reading, math, and science. And, by virtually any objective measure, girls are thriving more than ever.
It’s simply a bad time to be a boy.
Based on a recent study released by the National Bureau of Economic Research, American’s life expectancy has been falling behind similar wealthy European countries since 1990.
Here are some of the shocking findings:
Compared to Europeans, American babies are more likely to die before age 5,
American teenagers are more likely to die by age 20, and
American adults are more likely to die before age 65.
This trend is occurring in white, middle aged Americans, ostensibly those who have adequate access to healthcare. And it’s also occurring at every other age and in every single cause of death. Click to listen and learn more about this disturbing trend.
Friendships are dying. Even prior to the pandemic driven house arrest, the role of friendship was waning. The main culprit is time. We are just too busy, or at least we claim to be. Almost half of all Americans surveyed have lost touch with some of their friends over the past 12 months. And, some of them have lost touch with all of their friends. There's lots of data here to explore and lots of implications to our mental health. Click to listen and learn more about the future of friendship.
It’s hard to be open and honest with anyone today, especially on tough topics like gay marriage or religion. There’s a real fear of being misunderstood, clobbered or cancelled. Because we are living in an era of incivility.
The simple task of even producing an article like this one….is just too risky. If I have any readers after this piece it will be a miracle.
WisdomDon’t you think wisdom is one of the benefits of traveling through the various stages of life? I do.
Wisdom is simply a worldview that is continually influenced by experience and knowledge.
To permanently fix your mind on a particular position is short sighted. It suggests that you’ve reached enlightenment. And, have finished gaining experience and knowledge, forever.
Since it’s just you and me talking, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I was once uncertain about gay marriage. It seemed to threaten the institution of marriage and seemed to be out of line with my faith tradition. But, a man named Dr. David Watson changed my mind. About five years ago he said, “I don’t ever want to see a couple sitting behind me in church and have them feel un-welcome in God’s house.” In a split second that experience and his wisdom changed my mind. It wasn’t hard.
“When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, madam?”Sir Winston Churchill
The point is that we are a work in progress. And, as good human-beings we should constantly evaluate our positions. This is why it’s important to stay open minded to people who disagree with you. Because there is always more to learn and absorb. Like your Mom’s favorite recipes. They get better over the years as she continually tweaks and adjusts the ingredients based on wisdom & experience.
The ability to change your mind shows an openness to seeing the world differently. And it opens up a whole new world of possibilities. But, changing your mind takes courage. It’s an outward sign that you remain open to learning.
But in today’s world, changing your mind is frowned upon. It’s wishy-washy, or hypocritical to change your mind. As if finding new ways of seeing complex problems is a sign of weakness. Hogwash.
“The difference between sounding smart and being smart is: I don’t know”.
Naval Ravikant
Social media has exacerbated this problem and led to a war on civility. The world is now full of opinionated armchair experts. And, most of them are on Twitter, where the only form of communication is screaming. Twitter is the land of extreme overconfidence. Everyone is an expert. And, everyone believes their own bullshit.
The more overconfident we are in our opinions, the more likely we are to express (scream) those opinions. And, the more likely we are to launch a little spittle with our opinions.
Some people believe that the space program was fake but that professional wrestling is real.
Some people have simply forgotten how to listen. Whether it’s gun control, abortion, taxes or ketchup on eggs, they have an expert opinion. It’s as if they’ve simply stopped listening and learning, because they already know everything.
“I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you’re wrong.” -Ted Lasso
Social Media has created a false sense of community and protection that makes some feel more confident in their views. Polarization increases closed mindedness and closed mindedness increase polarization. Take climate change, for example. It’s not a hill I’m prepared to die on, even though half the world is on fire or underwater right now. But, there are many who will gladly die on that hill. After all, there is valor and virtue in identification with a group that is trying to save the planet. Esprit de corps and all that.
Despite my current position on Climate Change, I reserve the right to listen and learn more about that issue and to potentially change my mind as evidence continues to grow.
So why do we get so entrenched in our positions? Research shows that the more times we repeat an opinion, the more deeply entrenched we become. Like my unwavering opinion that the ageless Keith Richards had John Lennon and George Harrison rubbed out. C’mon, you know it’s possible.
Keep digging, my friend.
Apparently the more times we are “pitched” on a position the less likely we are to adopt that position. Instead of examining our position through civil discourse, we simply dig in deeper.
Maybe that’s the reason Donald Trump lost the US Presidential election. Perhaps he told everyone that he was doing a terrific job one time too many.
There’s a big difference between being confident and being overconfident. See, being confident is sexy and infectious. It’s the swagger of a pimp in a white fur coat. But, overconfidence is off-putting-as we say in the south. It’s simply closing your mind off from human curiosity. It’s a refusal to be open to ideas and opinions outside your tribe. It’s the fastest way to get avoided at cocktail parties, even if you are wearing a white fur.
In 1861, Walt Whitman penned the famous line: Be curious. Not judgmental. But I think in 2021 some have turned that famous line around: Be judgmental. Not curious.
Courtesy Raging Rhetoric
And, that judgment creates sophomoric contempt for those of differing opinions. See, contempt leaves no room for curiosity. Everything is black & white. Everything is self righteous.
Perhaps there’s a sense of comfort and identity in our identity tribe; a sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves. Like the way that a church or synagogue allows those of like mind to be in community with one another.
To be curious is scary, for some. Scary, because for some people this is the first time they’ve felt a sense of real community or belonging. Being open to dissenting opinions could lead to exclusion. Next thing you know, you’re eating your Lunchable alone in the middle school cafeteria again.
“Arrogance is ignorance plus conviction,”
-Tim Urban
In his bestselling book, Think Again, Adam M. Grant writes, “If knowledge is power, knowing what we don't know is wisdom. The less intelligent we are in a particular domain, the more we seem to overestimate our actual intelligence in that domain.” Said another way, those with the strongest convictions typically have the least ability to find their ass cheeks with both hands.
According to Grant, “We listen to views that make us feel good, instead of ideas that make us think hard.”
Courtesy xkcd via Mark Manson
Groundhog DayThe good news is that, according to the Wall Street Journal, pants with buttons and zippers have begun outselling those with drawstrings or elastic waistbands at L.L. Bean Inc. It’s time to get out of your day-jammies celebrate and start to celebrate how little we know about things. And, once we get back into real clothes, let’s develop the courage to identify new ways of seeing old problems.
At a certain age we learn the difference between talent and skills. Talent is on loan from God. But, skills can be learned by anyone. You need not have the former to exercise the latter. And, that understanding can lead to an enormous amount of joy.
Dear Graduate: Enjoy this moment of freedom, before life gets all serious and you have to do stuff again. And, remember to appreciate the sacrifices earlier generations made that allow you the freedom to watch anything you want on Netflix. And post bored pics of yourself on Insta. Life could be a whole lot worse.
Sincerely,
The United States of America
Now that we are officially finished with drinking three “quarantinis” a day and hoarding gasoline, it’s time to assess the damage. What are the long term consequences of the complete disruption of our lives.
More importantly, what are the long term consequences for our teens, particularly those that were already at-risk? I’m talking about the 67M Americans known as Generation Z or Gen Z. I like to refer to them as The Young and the Restless, but I digress.
If you want to know how our teenagers will do after suffering through the loneliness, fear and forced isolation, you must simply look back at the teens that survived the Great Depression. Those kids turned out just fine and re-entered the pages of history in 1941 to save the world.
I’ve started reading about our ability to overcome suffering. There are countless examples, but I’ve found two from history that will take your breath away. Listen to this 11-minute summary of my latest article and learn the secrets of survival from two of the greatest heroes of the last generation.
Growing Up is Overrated; Let’s PlayAs a young boy I stormed the southeastern beaches of Iwo Jima amid a cauldron of shell bursts and mortar fire. I was flanked by Sergeant Mabry and Private Trull and armed with my M1 Carbine, Ka-Bar combat knife and a supply of standard issue frag grenades.
Over the next several hours the battle raged. The near hand-to-hand fighting was intense. We captured the first of three airfields and moved toward the island’s rock-strewn northern sector. We lost a lot of good men that day. It was hell. But war is hell, after all.
And that’s where the story begins.
Unfortunately around 5:45pm my Mom yelled for me to come in. The truth is that the battle for Iwo Jima took place in the deep woods behind my boyhood home. The guns were plastic, the grenades were pinecones and the radios were mostly shoe boxes and duct tape.
My wing men, Sergeant Mabry and Private Trull, were my next door neighbors and best friends. We fought many battles together. Good men. Warriors. We must’ve died 1,000 times on those “beaches” in my own backyard.
I can still find Wiley's house
Riding on my bike with eyes closed
I could name every girl that he took out
And from my memory, dial his house phone
(Ben Rector - Old Friends)
Our deaths were often hastened by enemy sniper fire or an expertly tossed Japanese grenade. Our deaths typically involved a slow motion fall into a pile of soft leaves. Or some other overly-dramatic and highly imaginative demise that launched us airborne. Personally I dove on hundreds of grenades.
Those were the days. Good times.
It was a simpler time. A time of freedom. A time of unlimited imagination. A time of boundless energy. A time of friendships. A time of pine cone grenades.
There were also moments of pure boredom. Moments that inexplicably turned exhilarating without any effort. Like the famous train scene from the classic coming-of-age movie, Stand by Me. I can easily see myself on that train trestle, running at full-steam, diving to narrowly avoid the speeding train.
Can you take me back when we were just kids
Who weren't scared of getting older?
'Cause no one knows you like they know you
And no one probably ever will
You can grow up, make new ones
But truth is there's nothing like old friends
'Cause you can't make old friends
The End of Play TimeI often wonder when we lost the ability to play. The ability to be creative and imaginative. The ability to hear the mortar fire, smell the sulfur grenades and sense the danger in a totally make-believe battle. The ability to outrun the speeding train.
We weren’t limited to just storming the beaches of Iwo Jima. I personally caught the game-winning pass in the Super Bowl. I did it 473 times. That one-handed, sideline catch. Diving expertly past the pylon. Stretching out to break the plane of the goal as time expires. The crowd goes wild.
Except the pylon was my mailbox. And the goal line was my driveway. And the ball was a green, Nerf football.
I can still feel the windows down
Listening to Jimmy Eat World
Riding 3-wide on Blake's bench seat
My God, it's been ten years now
I would have his back tomorrow
And he'd still fight anyone who tried to touch me
The Benefits of PlayPlay has been shown to release endorphins those chemicals known to create the “runner’s high” that we get after vigorous exercise. Endorphins improve brain functionality, and stimulate creativity make us feel happy.
”We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.”
-Charles Schaefer
Maybe it’s the reason why Ellen Degeneres is always so darn happy. The Ellen Show is an American talk-variety show featuring comic Ellen Degeneres. In addition to dancing and interviewing guests, Ellen likes to play games. Here’s a montage of Ellen’s best game playing moments.
It’s as if your teenage best friend has a killer basement and an unlimited amount of money to play games and pull pranks on strangers. Instead of raging teen hormones, Ellen creates raging Endorphins from laughter.
It’s no wonder that an average of 4.2M viewers tune in daily.
And I've got some good friends now
But I've never seen their parents' back porch
I wouldn't change how things turned out
But there's no one in this time zone
Who knows what inline skates that I wore
Play allows us to learn how to be creative and helps nurture critical thinking. It also creates real life, problem-solving skills. And teaches the art of compromise. Critically important life skills outside of the land of make-believe.
Oh, and it’s fun, too.
In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Maybe it’s the reason why The Brooklyn Preschool “Mastermind” is so popular. For around $1,000 you can have a preschool-type experience for adults.
Adults pay to get in touch with their inner child. There’s show-and-tell, Musical chairs, arts-and-crafts such as finger painting and daily naps. Yes, you pay a grand to finger-paint and take a nap. It’s a sure sign that the economy is about to implode.
Can you take me back when we were just kids
Who weren't scared of getting older?
'Cause no one knows you like they know you
And no one probably ever will
What’s About the Millennials?One of the biggest complaints about Millennials is that they are not problem solvers. Do you think it’s cause they spent too much time in carefully crafted, meticulously managed activities. I do.
Activities like team-based sports and after school tutors. Or playing video games, often in isolation. Sterile activities that require little in the way of creativity, imagination or problem solving.
You can grow up, make new ones
But the truth is
That we grow up, then wish we could go back then
There's nothing like old friends
'Cause you can't make old friends
Christmas VacationWhy is it that the only time we play as adults is on vacation? Take me to a far-away island and I immediately revert. I wanna sing karaoke and ride a surfboard. I wanna build an elaborate sandcastle. I wanna play pool volleyball and rent kayaks and try to tip over in the surf. If they set up a game of Kick the Can I’ll own it. Nobody beats me at lawn games. Nobody.
This time of year I love to watch Christmas movies. The classics like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or Home Alone or Elf.
Just seeing Will Ferrell in his green Elf costume makes me laugh. Downing a liter of Coke and perfectly executing a four-octave burp. Navigating the revolving doors at the Empire State Building. Classic.
It’s a perfect example of what it means to play. And also a perfect juxtaposition of the playful Buddy the Elf and the hard core, no-nonsense New Yorkers. Which one are you?
So as you approach the new year, let’s re-ignite our inner Elf. Let’s seek to find ways to play more, worry less and find the joy in life’s revolving doors.
Before you go, could you please click below and share this story on Facebook with your non-imaginary friends? I’ll have your back if we ever get in a snowball fight.
What We Leave Behind - 11 Ideas to Make You a Better DadWe recently had some house guests. They brought their 15 month old daughter. It’s been a long time since we had a baby in the house. But you never forget things: how little they sleep; how much they have to say.
I enjoyed telling the new Dad a few things. Like once you teach them to walk and talk, you’ve lost all control of the asylum. He looked at me like I’d eaten too much paste as a kid. He’ll learn.
Time is moving slowly for them right now. Long days; short nights. But it will change soon. In my experience, life moves slow at an extremely rapid pace.
““Life moves slow at a very rapid pace””
A different friend recently attended his annual Donuts with Dads. Each child was asked to name ten things they love about their Dad. Number two on his kid’s list was “My Dad has lots of homeless friends”. Wow. Personally I don’t have any homeless friends. And that’s where the story begins.
My daughter was in first grade. I was busy kicking, fighting, scratching and clawing through my career. She was asked to color a picture of what makes her Mommy & Daddy happy. My sweet little girl colored a picture of my wife arranging flowers (left). And she colored a picture of me sitting in the passenger window of a Delta jet. The caption was “My Daddy is happy when he is on airplanes”. Ouch. Sometimes God will use the voices (or Crayons) of other people to speak to us.
This picture is framed and has been on my desk for 15 years.
Here's the problem. Everyone wants to know why people act the way they do. But few people are ever willing to look at their own behavior.
Why do I do the things I do?
And who am I doing them for?
We cannot see our own blind spots. It’s like trying to see the back of your head after getting a jacked-up haircut for $9 at Supercuts. Or like Cheryl not realizing that it was just lightning that burned down her She-Shed. C’mon, Cheryl.
But kids are observant. Extremely observant. They see us exactly as we are. Warts and all. It’s easy to get focused on the prize and forget that they are always watching. Always learning. Always listening. Cause no matter how much of a tool your Dad was, you always worshipped him. You probably still do.
In our minds we are all the coolest Dad on the planet. We all want Alan Jackson to sing about us.
Just an old half-ton short-bed Ford
My uncle bought new in '64
Daddy got it right 'cause the engine was smoking
Couple of burnt valves and he had it going
The worst Dads on the planet wanna be that Dad. I wanna be that Dad. Even though I couldn’t fix a burnt valve with “some pliers and a case of 30-weight ball bearings”. I still wanna be that Dad. Fine tuning that short-bed Ford pickup.
Drive (for Daddy Gene) is still one of my favorite songs. And you can watch Alan Jackson sing it live at the Grand Ole Opry here (2019).
We all think we are decent human beings. Until we hear about a Dad who “has lots of homeless friends”. The two Dad stories provide a fascinating contrast.
We often compare ourselves to the worst Dad we know. The guy who got caught with his pants down. The guy who left the kids and ran off with the Secretary. The guy who sends the kids a box of Hickory Farms smoked meats and cheeses at Christmas. “I’m not as bad as that guy.” Not the best measuring stick, my friend.
Up before dawn, Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Dodging the lines with children-and other uninitiated folks. Clearing TSA with surgical precision. Knowing the right bathrooms. And hoping for the Shakespeare seat (2B). Jangling metal tags. Super big time.
He let me drive here when we'd haul off a load
Down a dirt strip where we'd dump trash off of Thigpen Road
Sit up in the seat and stretch my feet out to the pedals
Smiling like a hero that just received his medal
Up before dawn. Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Reaching the kitchen. Cracking hundreds of eggs. The smell of fresh brewed coffee and bacon in the air. Toast for days. Navigating the gathering crowd with surgical precision. Reaching out; but for the grace of God. Super Big Time.
Some might say that seeing me run all over hell’s half acre was a good lesson for my daughter. Mission accomplished, I guess. The velocity of life, and all. I guess that’s one of the panes in my window.
But like a roller coaster, sometimes you don’t realize how fast you are moving until it stops. And everything around you keeps moving. And you hear someone’s kid say “my Daddy has lots of homeless friends”. In an instant, we go from jet setting business mogul, metal tags jangling…. to self-absorbed, travel Dad who chooses work over family. Ouch. From the mouth of babes and sucklings, I guess.
It was just an old hand-me-down Ford
With three-speed on the column and a dent in the door
A young boy two hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it made me feel
This is one of the great challenges of man. Managing the many obstacles of growing a family, building a career, making a good income, being a half-decent spouse and not ending up on some “Dad Fail” Instagram post. And trying to keep your chin just about the water line, so as to keep from drowning. And trying to hold fast to the last vestiges of your dreams
““Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and die with their song still inside them”
Henry David Thoreau ”
It’s a tall order. We must be mindful that the best things in life aren’t things. And we don’t stay where we are for long. Life moves slow at an incredibly high rate of speed.
And I would press that clutch
And I would keep it right
And he'd say, a little slower son you're doing just fine
Just a dirt road with trash on each side
But I was Mario Andretti
When Daddy let me drive
Let me say that nobody is crying a river for Dads. Nobody is ever gonna feel sorry for Dad or even Grand Dad. There is more empathy for incarcerated Terrorists than there is for Dads.
Fortunately Pop culture has been improving the Dad image. We’ve migrated from Phil Dunfey, Homer Simpson and Al Bundy. We now have Jack Pearson (This is Us), Ned Stark (GOT) and Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights). Good Dads with their heads screwed on straight.
I'm grown up now three daughters of my own
To let them drive my old Jeep across a pasture in our home
Maybe one day they'll reach back in their file
And pull out that old memory
And think of me and smile
I’m not suggesting you should quit your day-job and move to a tent city in San Francisco. I am suggesting that we can all strive to be better people. The modern day Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus, the common farmer who became a legendary figure of Roman virtue. So what are the things we can do to ensure we are moving in the right direction? Here are a few ideas:
Create MemoriesMy good friend Rob once told me that that he exists for one purpose: “to create memories for my kids”. I wrote it down and try to constantly look for opportunities to do small things that create big memories. Sometimes the best memories come in small doses. In the simplest of experiences we are building something that will last well beyond our limited time on earth: memories.
Selfie CheckMy friend Scott has a family tradition. It serves everyone’s purpose. Mom and Dad want to know the kids are safe. Kids want any excuse to take a selfie. So anyone in the family has the freedom at any time to simply text “selfie check” to the family. Everyone has five minutes to return a selfie of what they’re doing. It’s a great way to make sure everyone is safe and to stay connected when you aren’t together.
Be a Contributing Member of SocietyWork was given as a gift to us. We weren't made to sit around and do nothing. Look, if your idea of a productive day involves a remote control, it’s time to take inventory. Kids watch us. And if you are sleeping in past the time they get up for school, you’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
Create a Family PlaylistMy brother in law, Jeff Smith, only asked for one thing on his last birthday He set up a Spotify Playlist called Favorite Songs. He added his 15 favorite tunes. Then he asked each family member to add their 15 favorites. He now has a playlist of his family’s 60 favorite tunes in one Play List. Pretty cool.
Practice GenerosityAt the end of the day I empty my change and any one dollar bills into a jar. It adds up. Every year on Christmas Eve, my daughter and I visit Starbucks. We take over the store and spend all that money. For a few hours we covertly buy a cup of coffee for every patron that walks through the door. The looks on their faces is worth the investment. Here’s a photo from our fav barista a few years ago.
Live a Healthy LifePart of setting a good example is taking good care of yourself. Put down the cheeseburger.
Have a Spiritual LifeLife is hard enough. Teaching your children about faith in something greater than ourselves is our greatest lesson.
Treat People with RespectJust do it. No explanation necessary. (see also: “Don’t Be a Jerk”)
Speak to StrangersOne of my favorite things to do is ask total strangers, “how is your day going so far? It’s a simple ask. For me it’s a great way to engage strangers. For my kid it’s a lesson in kindness.
Original artwork by John P. Weiss (www.johnpweiss.com)
Share Your Spiritual Gifts Do your children know what your spiritual gifts and talents are? My wife is an outstanding florist. Truly an artist with flowers. And flowers bring her joy. But she refuses to charge anyone for them. She simply reserves her talent for God and for her closest friends when they need her: weddings, funerals, etc. She will admit, “I only do flowers for people that I love.” That way it remains calming and enjoyable—and not a job. Showing your children your spiritual gifts is a great way to set the example for your kids.
Teach Your Kids About WorkMultiple generations of the same family enter into the same profession: law enforcement, fire prevention, petty theft, medicine, law, teaching, etc.
So teach your kids about what you do while they’re in school. Who knows, they may end up having a passion for what you do.
So that’s it. A few tips to make you a better human. For me these few things are a lot easier than trying to find the valves in a half-ton, short-bed truck. And in a few years we’ll all be riding in driverless cars anyway:
Just a dirt road with trash on each side
But I was Elon Musk
When Daddy let me program the auto-drive feature from the backseat at dusk….
8 Inches From The G.O.A.T. ─ Michael Jordan’s First FailureWhen you think of the 23, what immediately comes to mind? The natural number following 22 and preceding 24? Two days before Christmas? The atomic number of Vanadium? The 23rd Psalm-The Lord is my Shepherd?
Sure.
But when most people think of 23 they think of number 23. As in Michael Jordan, the G.O.A.T., (Greatest of All Time—for the Boomers in the audience) formerly of the Chicago Bulls. He played an astonishing 15 seasons for the NBA and is the most sensational athlete of our generation.
And, he is arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. But if you know anything about number 23, you know that before he was the world's greatest round-ball player, he was a complete failure.
Failed and RejectedWhile a sophomore at Emsley A. Laney High School in Wilmington, North Carolina, MJ was rejected from the Varsity squad. He was relegated to the Junior Varsity as his best friend, another sophomore, Leroy Smith, was chosen for the final Varsity spot.
Smith was not as good as Jordan but he added size to the team, as he was 6’6” compared to Jordan’s diminutive 5’10”.
So for all practical purposes, Leroy Smith was eight inches from the G.O.A.T.More importantly, the Varsity coaches knew Jordan had potential. They knew if he played for the Varsity squad he would largely ride the wood and watch games from the sideline. So they put him on the B team...
Yup, MJ was on the B team in high school.
Michael Jordan game film from high school.
Jordan was devastated and tells the story that he spent hours in his room with the door closed crying uncontrollably.
After he finished his pity party, Jordan did what all Champions do ─ he dusted himself off, held his head high, and used that “piss and vinegar” to become the greatest player of all time.
Jordan put on the JV uniform and went out and kicked some ass.
“Whenever I was working out and got tired and figured I ought to stop, I’d close my eyes and see that list in the locker room without my name on it, and that usually got me going again.”
─ Michael Jordan
All or NothingHow many of us would have done that? Today’s mantra is “all or nothing.” We demand recognition of our self-anointed greatness. This is best illustrated by the overused but accurate analogy of “participation trophies” in kids' sports today.
But the truth is, even if you are Michael Jordan, you aren’t as awesome as you think you are. The problem is that nobody will shoot you straight because they don’t want to upset you.
There’s always someone better looking, cooler, smarter, stronger, or you name it than you. Always. In MJ’s case, there was someone 8 inches taller.
You see, many people hear this story and assume the high school coaches were just stupid. That they failed to recognize MJ’s talent. That isn’t necessarily true. They fully recognized his talent. They wanted to further develop his talent by playing time in an arena where he could shine.
Had Michael Jordan ridden the bench and scored a few points as a reliever for the Senior starters he may not have developed into the star that he was destined to be.
Being the G.O.A.T. Even after he became the world-renowned number 23 for the Chicago Bulls, the underdog, 5’10 high school player mentality drove MJ.
Disappointments and setbacks are all part of God’s plan for our lives. I have often said in business that if we aren’t failing on a regular basis we aren’t pushing ourselves hard enough.
We can choose to quit. Just fold up our proverbial tent and go home. Or we can embrace uncertainty and see possibility in it instead of danger. It happened to me last year. A series of business setbacks in January that made me really question if I’d lost my mojo. Maybe I just didn’t have “it” anymore.
Then another G.O.A.T. did what seemed totally impossible. Against all odds. We’re you watching when Tiger Woods completed the greatest comeback in sports history to win The Masters? If not you must have been in a Physician induced Coma.
Or we can embrace uncertainty and see possibility in it instead of danger.
Michael Jordan would go on to break numerous NBA records and become the most decorated NBA player of all time. He has done more to advance the popularity of the sport than any modern player.
Even today, he is the principal owner and CEO of the Charlotte Hornets in North Carolina. He inspired an entire generation of great basketball players, including Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade and Lebron James.
Failing Often Means Pushing Yourself Harder
The lesson here is simple. You will fail often if you are pushing yourself hard enough.
And it’s a tough world. People you know-and some that you love-will laugh at you. People you compete with will bask in your failure.
But you have a choice… Tuck your tail and wallow in your defeat and vow to never try that again. Or… ”Be like Mike.”
Dust yourself off, put on the JV uniform and use that defeat to build a fire to become the G.O.A.T.
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”─ Michael JordanAfter picking himself up off the floor, Jordan did what champions do. He let his failure and disappointment drive him to be better.
“Whenever I was working out and got tired and figured I ought to stop, I’d close my eyes and see that list in the locker room without my name on it, and that usually got me going again.”─ Michael JordanFinal ThoughtsYou can’t think of the G.O.A.T. basketball player or the word “champion” without thinking of Michael Jordan. And there’s no better proof that failure is simply a stepping stone to success than Jordan’s story.
For Michael Jordan, disappointment and setback resulted in a redoubling effort. It should be the same for all of us…
Technically ─ if we don’t fail every once in a while ─ we aren’t trying hard enough.
How do you feel about becoming the “Greatest Of All Time” in your field? How do you work toward this seemingly hard-to-reach goal?
I’d like to know about it. Send me an email at T@tomgreene.com and let me know.
Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking ForI remember where I was the first time I heard the music of Ireland’s greatest band: U2. It was 1985. Someone snuck a bootleg cassette of U2’s groundbreaking Under a Blood Red Sky into my Spanish lab.
I didn’t know why the sky was blood red or why Sunday was bloody, but the guy singing seemed pretty pissed about it. Anthem rock. I was hooked.
Our Restless Search for Meaning
The song is an anthem to man’s inherent and restless search for meaning.
Perhaps it is our genetic connection to the cavemen or Adam & Eve ─ but we always seem to be searching for meaning in our own lives.
The cavemen were constantly worried about killing their next beast. Or finding a larger cave for their wives-before the next snow. These things were important for survival.
Then there’s the whole thing in the Garden of Eden. The trickery with the apples. A story for another time.
Regardless, as a species, there’s an inherent restlessness and searching at our core. We are always looking for meaning and purpose in our lives.
Seeking more. Longing.
It’s what Bono was singing about in I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (1987).
U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For Live From Milan
“I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in the fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for”
─ Bono, U2
The MatingI think our lives are divided into two, nine-hole golf matches. We spend our elementary years chasing girls—with a worm on a stick. Then they start to smell good. We start to like raincoats. From there the real chase is on. Everything we do is to impress the fairer sex.
In the mating, most guys are just trying to find the unicorn on the universal hot-crazy matrix. And they’re trying not to look totally incompetent at work so they can go home and watch sports.
The front nine is all about “the mating”.
Once we find sturdy mate, life gets simpler at “the turn”. Like the cavemen, we find a nice cave. We get a sharp spear and a beast of burden.
The MatteringOn the back nine we can really get our game on. We might get married, maybe have some crumb snatchers. We buy a place, find a better job, have some kids, buy a bigger place. You get the point. Pretty standard formula.
“I’m just trying to matter and live a good life and make work that means something to somebody.”— Reese Witherspoon
On the back nine there can be trouble. Lots of trouble. Especially if there’s a young, scantily clad woman on the beverage cart.
On the back nine we start to look around. We start to measure. We start to compare. We start to wonder and worry. I think the cavemen did this too.
We start to question everything. Why does Atok have the biggest cave? Why did Krog get the biggest beast? And how did Thor get a third wife when he only has one eye left.
The Dead Cat BounceLife starts well, and ends well. But, the middle part can be rocky.
This is the finding of a recently released paper from economists David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College and Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick.
Average life satisfaction slowly declines from early adulthood high until it takes a “dead cat bounce” in the early 50s.
The good news is that once you hit bottom, life gets less sucky as you age. Satisfaction rises by about 20% from the late 50s, through the 70s.
Ostensibly because mortality is looming. And we focus on cherishing the moments we have left.
I don’t think that’s the reason. I think it’s cause we’ve already made all our dumb decisions. And, there’s no wisdom in the second kick of a mule.
And that’s where Bono comes back into the story. Remember Bono?
Maybe I Have Found What I’m Looking ForI think we are wasting time in The Mattering.
I think what we are looking for is right in front of us.
My Pastor, Tony Sundermeier, recently made this great point in a sermon. Instead of living in awe of our imperfect lives, we spend our days longing and looking and searching for something better. His sermon inspired me to write this story
I think Bono is looking in all the wrong places for that meaning, too.
The secret of a meaningful life is meaningful relationships. It’s family and children and friendships and memories.
So what about you? Have you found what you’re looking for yet? Is it right in front of you? Like finding your lost sunglasses in the last place you look.
Sign up for my bi-weekly story and let’s take the life journey together.
The Friendless American MaleA young man was standing in the wings, preparing to enter the sanctuary to marry his wife. His best man, and Father, placed his hand gently on his shoulder. “Son, before we open that door, I want to share some advice.”
“Never forget your friends, he said, “they will become more important as you get older.”
Culturally, we are struggling to understand what modern friendships look like. We’ve replaced long-term, “mono e mono” friendships with the digital efficiency of social media. It’s digital, but not deep, and these superficial, digital relationships are part of what’s making us increasingly lonely.
Yeah once Ted married Tracy we all kinda grew apart. But I still keep in touch with Ted on Facebook”.
Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
A 2006 analysis of over two decades of survey data on social isolation, published in the American Sociological Review, found that adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends of all people in America. Apparently “pale, male & stale” is an accurate moniker.
According to a more recent poll, 22 percent of millennial kids say they have “no friends” at all. This despite being widely lauded as the most connected generation in history.
“Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends.”
Thirty percent of millennials also say they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?
”Remember to go out with them occasionally (if possible), but keep in contact with them some how.”
Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation. And there’s good reason to believe he is correct. The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men. In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54 x more often than women.
”Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about.”
Medical professionals believe that meaningful bro-mances promote overall healthy habits because they can encourage us to trade harmful habits for healthier ones. Whether it’s a better diet, more exercise, or permission to take a well-deserved break, our friends’ influence can help lower the risk of many health problems. This includes high blood pressure, obesity, and depression.
So, how is it possible that the most connected generation in history is feeling isolated and lonely? Especially in a time when Facebook, Instagram and SnapChat have become mainstream.
“Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a person, friends are the bulwarks of our life.”
For most men in their twenties and thirties, having twelve close friends seems like a fairy tale. Studies show that men become lonelier as they grow older. If Jesus had lived longer he might have ended up with only 4 or 5 Disciples.
Modern dads take parenting seriously, spending approximately three times as much time with their children as men did two generations ago, and they’re doing a lot more during that time.
And, men are extremely hesitant to share genuine thoughts and emotions with other men. There is a fear of looking weak. As if male sensitivity has some kind of connection to sexuality. It doesn’t.
After 70 years of life, here is what I’ve learned:Time passesJobs come and goLife goes onChildren grow up
All this hesitation to be authentic leads men to internalize their emotions. As if we simply do not need any help, ever. We can handle everything ourselves.
Do you know what they call someone who has an incapacity for friendships, grandiose sense of self and shows little emotion? They call them sociopaths.
American author John Eldredge presents this challenge vividly in his legendary book, Wild at Heart.
“The issue was, and is, that men simply are not bonding much these days... and we are either purposefully choosing or unwittingly failing to make bonding…..a priority.”
We work as if our survival depends on it. It’s in our genes. In ancient times hunger, thirst and physical security were matters of life and death. Mentally we live in a world that no longer exists.
”Children cease to be children and become independent. And, to the parents, it breaks their hearts. But the children are separated from the parents because they start their own family.”
I’m not suggesting that men should shirk their responsibilities. Our commitments to family make us better people. And work tends to pay the bills.
No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to outrun the American Express bill. I’ve tried. But in all things, there must be balance. Achieving bodily comforts and having fancy job title does not in itself satisfy the longing for connection.
In my mind, long term friendships are like a patchwork quilt. Each patch on the quilt represents a memory. But over time, even the best quilts will fray and the best memories fade. It’s important to be mindful that as the memories fade, they must be replaced with new, shared experiences. Great friendships cannot be comprised solely of memories of an earlier time.
“I don't have no friends. I don't want no friends. That's how I feel.”
Terrell Owens
Former NFL Wide Receiver and 6-time Pro-Bowl nominee
Women on the other hand make friendships a priority. Whether it’s book clubs, bunko night or bible studies or simply chatting on the telephone, women seem to be less lonely than men.
”But, true friends are always there, no matter how many miles away they are.”
When men do engage, the connection is often less personal. Most conversations begin with a discussion of how busy we are.
Busy is the new XanaxThere is an inherent social value in our busyness. I can recall an earlier time when I felt that my frequent flyer status was a kind of badge of honor. And my 2.5M miles in the air felt like a purple heart. There was a status and an identity that came with all that busyness, even if it was just in my own head.
“When we started this adventure called life, we did not know of the incredible joys or sorrows that were ahead.”
In all likelihood, the opportunities to live a truly meaningful life will not spring from how many frequent flyer miles we have amassed or how busy we are. When you get to heaven, I’m pretty sure that nobody is gonna check to see if my frequent flyer card is made of metal or plastic.
It’s counter intuitive, but creating a meaningful life is not an individual journey. It’s a relational journey and one that derives meaning from the strength of your personal relationships. And friendships require authenticity and vulnerability, neither of which are easy for men.
“Love your parents, take care of your children, but keep a group of good friends.”
Despite our best efforts at creating the perfect life, happiness is really about deep and meaningful connections with other people. It’s about lasting and intentional friendships. It’s about the intertwining of our lives in a deep and meaningful way. We must have people of substance to “do life” with. And you cannot “do life” with people on Facebook and Instagram.
“It's about enjoying your life. If you have no family, no friends to enjoy it with, it don’t matter how much you have, how much success you have, how much fame you have, how much money you have. Ultimately, those things simply don’t matter.”Vanilla Ice
So what about you? How many friends do you really have? And don’t count people at work, they are “friends of convenience.”
Take a break from Instagram and Facebook. Call your friends and pour your heart out once in a while. You know, “the new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu”. It’ll make your life richer and you might just live longer as a result.
All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in KindergartenTom Greene
A few weeks ago my bride and I started doing some post holiday clean out. I came across an old paperback copy of one of my favorite books: All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum.
This book was published in 1986. The year I graduated from high school. The year I started college. 1986 was a glorious year, for sure.
I decided to re-read this book to see if the yellowing pages had the same impact on me after some 30-plus years stuffed in a box.
(This story is about to get really good, I promise. Can you help me reach more people by posting it on Facebook?)
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The book is comprised of short stories. The kind of stories that make us feel good. The kind that make us think about everyday happenings. The kind that make us slow down, and savor life for a minute. Old school stuff, for sure.
You see this book is really about a set of rules. Rules of living decently with other human beings. Rules that were relevant to adults (and kindergarteners) in 1986. But who knew that we would need these rules even more today. A lot more.
Rules like “Play fair” and “Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.” Basic things that we all learned before we could even write our own name with a broken Magenta crayon. Before we realized that nobody wants the white crayon or the white jelly beans. Before we realized that a “smock” was really just our dad’s old dress shirt. Before we questioned if we could really sing or dance. (Of course we can).
But somewhere along the way we’ve lost these rules. Rules of common decency.
Share everything.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
It seems as if the more our world speeds up, the less we remember these rules. As if the speed of life negates the need to share and say your sorry when you mess up. As if we’ve earned the right not to put things back where we found them.
We work crazy hours. Then we go home to bury our face in our phone as we watch another episode of The Voice for the third night in a row.
We forget what it felt like to see the world afresh. To draw and paint without judgement. To listen to stories with child-like curiosity. To sing and dance like nobody's watching.
Back when we were full of optimism and an unwavering sense of adventure. When every day was new. When every day was exciting. We couldn’t wait to go home. And we couldn’t wait to come back tomorrow.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
How I long for that unbridled excitement. That unadulterated wonder at the world around us. The wonder of a child. Long before the world begins to temper our expectations. When our emotions were lifted beyond the heavens by the smell of a brand-new box of Crayola 64’s with the built in sharpener.
I can still vividly remember the much-anticipated field trip to Mathis Dairy. It was the highlight of the year. And I got chosen to actually milk the cow, Rosebud. I can still smell that nasty heifer. I can still feel that udder in my hands. And hear the squirt of milk hitting the metal pail. Before we left they gave us cold, chocolate milk in glass bottles with straws. It was heaven.
The Mathis Dairy Farm began dairy tours for children in the 1950’s, where visitors received the prestigious “I Milked Rosebud” buttons. The beloved cow participated in charity events and was milked by celebrities and politicians, including Jimmy Carter. It is rumored that the Chic-Fil-A cows are all direct descendent of Rosebud.
Can you imagine if we had heeded that advice? Like the advice to clean up our own messes. Perhaps we wouldn't have to contemplate a garbage dump the size of Texas floating in the Pacific Ocean. Or argue about whether we should eat Rosebud for dinner. Or drink from a single-use, plastic straw. Or whether we are all gonna drown in exactly 12.3 years. How silly all that might seem to us.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.
Isn’t it true that life is still pretty simple at its core? It’s our human interpretation and our desire to complicate things that causes trouble. That little voice in our head that wants to make everything so darn complicated. As Fulghum expresses in the book, “The examined life is no picnic.”
Back when we had three channels on the TV. And one telephone for five people to share. And milk that got delivered to the door. And my Dad could let me sit on his lap to hold the steering wheel at 60mph so he could get his beer open without spilling in on himself. Without seat belts, of course.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Don’t you think the world would be a better place if every meeting ended with warm cookies and milk? And people actually shared their cookies. And then snuggled up on a mat with their blankie and took a long nap. Imagine making Republicans and Democrats follow this protocol.
Imagine what the country might accomplish if we feared life & death and pain & sorrow like a child. And we cherished love and joy and friendship like the rare commodities they truly are. And we never lost that sense of wonder. And we saw every world problem through the universal filter of child-like innocence.
We might, in fact, honor the life and death of a homeless man in Santa Monica. A man who died the same day as Kobe Bryant. Yet people pour out their hearts over Kobe Bryant as if they’ve lost a lifelong friend. Both are total strangers to us. Both of their lives had value.
Child-like wonder is an antidote. An antidote for everything. But especially an antidote for our hyper-individualistic way of life. A society almost totally devoid of social, emotional or physical contact. An antidote of love and cookies & milk. An antidote of sharing and nonviolence and naps.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
And just imagine if we actually learned the lesson that was intended with the styrofoam cup. That little seedling. Peeking its little green head above the soil. That life is fleeting. That life is precious. And just as the seedling dies, we too shall perish in due time. And that we shouldn’t waste it. Not a minute of it. For just like the seedling, nobody knows when their time will come.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
When my daughter was in Kindergarten the teacher, had a research lab worth of mice and fish and every creature under the sun. She even had rabbits that hopped around the room free as a bird. I still recall when Tenpleton the rat died.
Those were dark days at our house. Dark days.
The Death of WonderAnd then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
A few weeks ago I wrote a story about Legacy. And our propensity to rely on apps like Waze for navigation. Our heads down. Minds engrossed in the mindless pursuit of nothingness. And as we look down, the entire world passes us by.
Just imagine life in another ten years. When driverless cars will whisk us to and fro. We won’t even bother to look out the window at the world. Too engrossed in our own myopic lives. No need to look around to see where we are. Looking around will become the historical equivalent of watering your horses during a long journey.
So that’s it. Just a few rules to live by that could make life on this planet more enjoyable.
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Reflections from The Rock
Our founders knew a lot about character. It was character that led these three ordinary men to a limestone outcropping 150 years ago. It was character that sparked these men to create “the light of our fraternity.” That same light has illuminated the greatest friendships and the most cherished memories of my life.
1. Friendships: Culturally, we are struggling to understand what modern friendships look like. We’ve replaced long-term, “mono e mono” friendships with the digital efficiency of social media. It’s digital, but not deep, and these superficial, digital relationships are part of what’s making men increasingly lonely.
In contrast, both fraternities and team-based sports create opportunities for lifelong friendships. Both encourage the type of bonding that only happens in close proximity. That comes from having a common purpose. That comes from focusing on something bigger than yourself.
Coach Bill Courtney led an underdog team with uncommon valor. We watched the season unfold in the documentary Undefeated. Coach Bill repeatedly encouraged the Manassas team to “put the team first” and “show some character”.
“A lot of people think that football builds character. It doesn’t. Football reveals character.”
-Coach Bill Courtney
“Facebook and Instagram is a poor replacement for a cold beer or two in a dive bar. And studies show that men are growing increasingly lonely, despite the constant connection.”
-Tom Greene
2. Isolation:
A recent analysis of over two decades of survey data on social isolation, published in the American Sociological Review, found that adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends of all people in America. Apparently “pale, male & stale” is an accurate moniker.
According to a more recent poll, 22 percent of millennial kids say they have “no friends” at all. This despite being widely lauded as the most connected generation in history.
Thirty percent of millennials also say they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?
Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation. And there’s good reason to believe he is correct.
The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men. In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54 x more often than women.
It’s when you screw up and life hits you in the mouth that you have an opportunity to reveal your inner strength.
-Coach Bill Courtney
“Killing ourselves is one of the few things we do better than women”
Tom Greene
3. Experience
After 50 years on this planet, here is what I’ve learned:
Time passes
Jobs come and go
Careers change
Life goes on
Children grow up
The one thing that stays true and constant through the seasons of life is friendships. Like this poignant photo of Brother-Regent John Hearn (Mu 2000) and his father, Judge George J. Hearn, III. Judge Hearn is surrounded by five Mu brothers, four of whom served the Mu chapter as Commander. This is what friendship looks like.
The Judge passed away quietly at home three weeks later. I wrote more about Judge Hearn’s legacy here.
Solid friendships, like the kind you are building now will serve you for the rest of your life. Who will be in your picture 35 year from now when you need a hand to hold onto?
Don’t be a Turkey person
-Coach Bill Courtney
”How many of your Instagram followers would attend your funeral of you died today?”
Tom Greene
4. Authenticity
If you’re a professional football fan, you know that the Philadelphia Eagles had a tough season. They lost in the Wildcard game after their quarterback, Carson Wentz, was injured and removed himself from the game in the first quarter. What you may not know is that this physical injury was preceded by another player’s voluntary removal earlier in the season.
In late November 2019, Philadelphia Eagles offensive lineman Brandon Brooks voluntarily left the game against the Seattle Seahawks. It was the first quarter. You see, he left the game due to nausea and vomiting from anxiety. And he was brutally honest about it.
You can watch a 90 second interview with Brooks here. It’s worth the 90 seconds of your time.
Brooks later tweeted this:
"Make no mistake, I'm NOT ashamed or embarrassed by this nor what I go through daily,'' he wrote. "I've had this under control for a couple of years, and had a set back yesterday. The only thing I'm upset about is that when my team needed me, I wasn't able to be out there with and for them.”
The massive 6’ 5”, 346 pound Guard who played college ball at Miami displayed what most of us cannot fathom. He was open and honest about what was going on in his life. And he did it in the most challenging of circumstances.
Only by entering new and unfamiliar worlds can a person change society as well as self.
Bill Courtney - Against the Grain
“Sharing difficult or unflattering things about your life does not make you any less of a man”
Tom Greene
5. Wisdom
I’ve had a few rough patches since my carefree days in college. Experiences do not make you wiser. Learning from experiences makes you wiser.
I once heard Jeff Foxworthy describe wisdom as:
“Experience…..with scars to prove it.”
Like the Roman candle fight with my brother at ten years old. I learned from that. I learned that fire is hot and it burns your skin when it hits you. Check. Lesson learned.
We don’t grow by having experiences. We grow by surviving them. It’s what we learn that counts.
Much like pruning a tree, surviving rough patches leads to healthy growth. New life emerges from the old way of existing.
“The measure of a man’s character is not determined by how he handles his wins, but how he handles his failures.”
Coach Bill Courtney
Our actions, not our thoughts or intentions, define who we are.
-Tom Greene
6. Relationships
It’s counter-intuitive, but creating a meaningful life is not an individual journey. It’s a relational journey and one that derives meaning from the strength of your personal relationships. And friendships require authenticity and vulnerability, neither of which are easy for men.
Do you know what they call someone who has an incapacity for friendships, grandiose sense of self and shows little emotion? They call them sociopaths and our jails and prisons are full of them.
Despite our best efforts at creating the perfect life, happiness is really about deep and meaningful connections with other people. It’s about lasting and intentional friendships. It’s about the intertwining of our lives in a deep and meaningful way. We must have people of substance to “do life” with. And you cannot “do life” with people on Facebook and Instagram.
You can’t be a successful leader or mentor until you have served. You can’t serve until you have stepped out of your comfort zone. And you can’t step out of your comfort zone unless you have character and keep your word.
-Coach Bill Courtney
But it's one of the reasons that friendships are so important to our happiness. Each is unique and voluntary. You can pick your friends ─ and your nose ─ as the saying goes. Not typically wise to pick your friend’s nose.
-Tom Greene
7. Adversity
Your life is shaped by the road you’ve traveled. And not all of those roads are paved (or straight). The simple truth is that you are a collection of your life’s experiences; both good and bad. Sometimes the things that inspire us are not our favorite memories.
As cruel as life might be at times, if you throw in the towel, which is what everyone will expect, then nothing good will happen and your life will fall apart. Be better than that!
-Coach Bill Courtney
The simple truth is that being authentic takes the loneliness out of the struggle. That makes sense to me, but I wrote it. Being authentic is the equivalent of flossing our teeth. We know it’s good for us. We just don’t do it very often.
-Tom Greene
8. Pride
We all wanna be great in other people’s eyes. It’s part of the reason you volunteered to serve. There were many other things you could have chosen to do. But you chose to serve something bigger than yourself. Good for you. But part of why you chose to serve is in your DNA. See you and I are all that different. I’m betting we are both cut from the same piece of cloth: competitive, driven, Type A personality, you get the point.
People look up to you. It’s part of the job. And the younger they are the more “Giant-like” you are to them. Where this starts to cause a problem in leaders is when we start to believe we are invincible. We aren’t. But we still maintain a desire to constantly demonstrate that we have it all together, even when things around us are falling apart.
It’s called Pride. And it’s also the thing that makes it incredibly difficult to share genuine thoughts and emotions with other men. For me it’s reflexive. I am almost always “fine”. It’s in our DNA to be “fine”. That’s what we do.
But there will be times when you aren’t going to be “fine”. And there are times when you need to get out of your comfort zone and seek the ear of a friend. This whole “manly” I got it all under control thing does not serve you or me. And it’s high time we put it to rest. So if you only remember one thing from our time together in Roanoke, I want you to remember this: being authentic has nothing to do with your masculinity. It doesn’t make you less of a man.
As a leader you are the tip of the spear. As much as I’d like to think that the statistics are going to improve, they won’t. Big trends don’t typically reverse course unless something changes. As I said in our time together in Roanoke, we have never needed fraternities more than we need them today.
I think it’s what our founders were talking about when they spoke of the “light of Sigma Nu”. It’s time for us to get out of our comfort zone and be the light for others.
Nothing profound ever happens in your life when you remain in your comfort zone.
-Coach Bill Courtney
Sometimes, we simply make a mess of our lives. But pride keeps us isolated. And we know we cannot clean up the mess on our own. We need to share our authentic thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams in the light of day.
-Tom Greene
9. No Sudden Moves:
When your life is turning into a dog’s breakfast, you become singularly fixated on trying to find a solution. As if the solution is suddenly going to pop in your head if you ruminate on the problem long enough.
In full disclosure, nobody ever described me as a patient man. In true form, one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in times of trouble is trying to “force the solution.”
(With apologies to our friends from The University of Alabama.)
This is probably a pretty common mistake in men. After all, we are “fixers” at heart and I desperately wanted to fix the problem. In your world the best thing you can do in a crisis is not to “force the solution” or try to solve it by yourself. Someone once told me that in times of crisis, you must seek wise counsel. I think that is exponentially true for you today. When things go wrong, you should immediately seek an Advisor to guide you through the rough patch. Trying to solve things on your own or make sudden moves usually just makes things worse.
But, take my advice, when the music starts at the Poo Party, don’t make any sudden moves.
Character is how you respond to your own failures. It’s when you screw up and life hits you in the mouth - that you have an opportunity to reveal your inner strength.
-Coach Bill CourtneyHaving a baby takes nine months of patience.Although sometimes the first baby arrives a little sooner. Understanding life’s difficult experiences and what we learned from them takes patience. Making really good grilled cheese sandwiches also takes patience.
10. Faith
I need to tell you something. It’s important. You are going to die someday. I hope it’s a really long time from now. In the meantime, you are going to have an enormous variety of life experiences. The simple truth is that:
People we love get sick.
People we love get hurt.
People we love die.
Just ask Commander and High Council member John Thomas (“J.T.”) from Missouri Science and Technology. Back in November one of his brothers tragically committed suicide in the fraternity house.
In times like this, belief in a higher power creates, at least, the perception of interconnectedness in the random and unexplainable events in the universe. The occasional, yet incomprehensible, pain and loss that can accompany life. Terrible things occasionally happen to some very good people.
The good news is that you joined a fraternity that was created with “faith” as one of it’s cornerstones. Frankly, the very founding of our fraternity 150 years ago was hatched in a bible study at VMI. And our ritual is based on faith.
I’m not suggesting that you drop out of college to join a mission and live in a yurt in eastern Africa But, just because you’ve never been exposed to faith or God or any kind of spiritual life, doesn’t mean you cannot create one in college. We all have some idea of who God is and what he might look like. Fix your mind on that in times of trouble.
And if all else fails, turn on Taledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Watch Cal Naughton, Jr. describe his version of Jesus playing lead guitar for Lynard Skynard. You’d have to be in a Coma not to think that’s funny.
No matter how many good deeds we perform, they aren’t the ticket to earning God’s favor. God graces us in spite of what we do in this life, not because of.
-Coach Bill Courtney
God can be found in the kindness of a stranger or the setting of the sun. I’ve seen God in the birth of my daughter, the beauty of my wife in a wedding dress and watching my father’s last gasping breaths.
-Tom Greene
So that’s it. Ten things to remember from our pilgrimage to The Rock. In the coming year I wish you light, love, wisdom but, most of all, I wish for you “the friendships that abide”.
Hey, before you go, how about doing me a solid and signing up for my blog and podcast at www.tomgreene.com.