Advice Articles – HomeWord: Recent Episodes
Jim Burns
The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. —James 5:16 [NLT]
With the divorce rate skyrocketing even among Christians, there is hope: Pray together. Dr. Dave Stoop tells us that one-tenth of one percent of couples who pray together daily will get a divorce. That incredible statistic underlies what Norman Vincent Peale, the well-known pastor from New York City, used to say: “I have never met a couple who prayed together who didn’t stay together.” Sadly, we know a great number of people who have gotten divorced for one reason or another. But we can’t think of one couple among them who said they prayed together every day.
Prayer just may be the glue that keeps a marriage strong. Yet most couples tell us that praying and growing spiritually together is the least developed part of their life as a couple. Only 4 percent of Christians couples pray together, Dr. Stoop estimates.
We want to issue a challenge to you: Pray together for your marriage each day for sixty days. If sixty days seems too long, commit to thirty. Experts say you can create a habit by simply doing the same thing over and over again for just a few weeks. Just think. If only once a day you took your spouse’s hands and simply acknowledged God’s presence in your relationship and family, if you offered Him praise, thanksgiving, and supplication, you would be doing more than most couples, and you would be working on your spiritual relationship at the same time. We aren’t being legalistic here—no one will be tracking your commitment—but we believe that regularly praying together will benefit your marriage for a lifetime.
Will there be days you don’t feel like praying? Absolutely. Especially when there is tension in the air. But often what keeps us from praying together is exactly what should draw us to prayer. For many, it’s low-level bitterness or anger or feeling a lack of respect for each other. Prayer becomes the tie that binds a couple together. Prayer inspires right priorities. And as the great church father Chrysostom wrote, prayer “is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings.” Indeed, James 4:8 expresses a beautiful promise: “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” This promise is certainly true for marriage relationships too.
We want to encourage you to take this sixty-day prayer challenge. It will take some discipline. But we agree with the wonderful prayer warrior of another generation, Corrie ten Boom, who said, “Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it.” We hope you will take this challenge.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• What do you think keeps us from praying together?
• How has prayer affected our relationship for the better?
• How can I be more of a spiritual encouragement to you?
A STEP CLOSER:
Take the Prayer Challenge!
Will you commit to praying together for the next sixty days? Your action step is to begin right now. As Corrie ten Boom suggested, make an appointment with God.
• When is the best time?
• Where is the best place?
• How many minutes a day can we commit to this prayer challenge?
If you’re a parent, most likely you joined the parenting ranks with good intentions and excitement. But then somewhere along the way, you lost your confidence. If this describes you — don’t worry — you’re not alone. Every parent struggles at some point because the truth is, parenting is difficult! After all, our children didn’t arrive wrapped in a how-to instruction manual.
So it makes sense that most of us wind up relying on something we refer to as Quick-Fix Parenting, which is exactly like what it sounds — a quick fix to a problem. It’s not necessarily a good fix or a healthy fix or an empowering fix, and it’s definitely not an effective long-term strategy.
At its foundation, Quick-Fix Parenting becomes about stopping your children’s behavior or the agony connected to it — which is often your pain. It focuses on fixing your kid’s problem behavior, usually through verbal reprimands (often out of anger or frustration), negative instruction, and discipline for the sake of compliance.
But using these quick fixes to solve problems does not help kids grow up to become healthy and independent young adults.
So why do we resort to Quick-Fix Parenting?
Most parents embrace Quick-Fix Parenting for the following reasons:
• Their parents modeled it, and that’s all they know.
• It’s easier, more convenient, and relies on impulse rather than intellect.
• It can be effective in stopping and correcting a child’s behavior in the moment to quench potential conflict.
So, how about you — do you frequently find yourself using Quick-Fix Parenting? If you do, that’s okay for now. Most parents start here… but we don’t want you to stay here. Instead, we’d like to suggest that there’s a better way to navigate through the parenting landmines we all face with an intentional approach.
In contrast to Quick-Fix Parenting, which is reactive and spontaneous, Intentional Parenting is about having a long-term plan for how you want to parent your kids.
All of us have dreams for our kids. And caring parents passionately want their kids to become a certain type of person — one that’s prepared and well equipped to succeed in life. But they won’t actually become that person unless we as parents first define what we want them to be like.
To be an intentional parent, we would encourage you to make a plan for your children by beginning with the end in mind. Think about what types of qualities and values that you want your children to have by the time they get out of the house. Then, write them down.
These qualities should be based on inner values and not outer performance (i.e. grades, athletics, popularity, etc.). For instance, we decided that we wanted our kids to possess “5 C’s”: Confidence, Character, Convictions, Compassion, and Competence. Yours could be similar or completely different. What’s important is that you articulate the qualities you would like for your child to embody.
Deciding which qualities you want to instill in your kids for life will inform everything that you do as a parent, whether it’s being a role model, creating a peaceful home, using encouraging words, or providing discipline. We can’t promise that being an intentional parent will always be easy, but if you keep the end in mind and ask God to guide you along the way, you are on your way to having a huge, positive impact on the life of your child.
Most experts on the family will tell you that, “The family that prays together stays together.” But I’d like to suggest a corollary to that principle, “The family that plays together stays together.”
Summer is the perfect season for families to rediscover the lost arts of family rest and relaxation — and it’s also the perfect time for families to work on spending time playing together.
Here are four key reasons why parents should invest in family playtime this summer:
1. Play Builds Family Memories. At your next summer fun family gathering, eavesdrop on the conversations around you. Chances are the majority of the talk is about past family experiences.
2. Play Reduces Family Stress and Tension. Let’s face it–we live in some pretty stressful times. During summer, many of us are preoccupied with escape, finding peace, and going on vacation. None of these factors are unhealthy in and of themselves. But when you add them together or experience them for a prolonged period of time, be sure to put away your work and responsibilities and take at least a week of “do-nothing-but-play” vacation time to find some perspective.
3. Play Causes Good Communication. In the routine settings of everyday life, finding the “perfect moment” to have “the big talk” with your kids can feel like an exercise in futility. But in less-structured playful summer moments, you’re bound to have more opportunities to talk about “big issues” with your kids.
4. Play Produces Affirmation and Support. When our families play together, everyone gains a deeper sense of belonging, support and community. Summertime offers parents many opportunities to work at creating a strong sense of community within their family.
Families that rest, relax and play together this summer are likely to discover their time together provides a tremendous source of bonding and fun while helping kids to build a future filled with great memories. Don’t let this summer pass by without investing in the serious business of family rest, relaxation and play.
Adolescence, the period between childhood and adulthood, has grown longer in our time. Kids are experiencing puberty earlier and staying connected to their parents later in life than previous generations. Thus, adolescence in many instances can be just as tough a season on parents as it is on the kids!
I interviewed Dr. Kevin Leman, the internationally known author and about his book, Running the Rapids. In the book, Dr. Leman wrote a chapter titled “20 Rules for Surviving Your Kids’ Adolescence.” Here, I’ll pass along Dr. Leman’s rules along with my own comments.
1. Follow Through. I’m a big believer in disciplining with consistency. Setting clearly expressed expectations and consequences is a must. Equally important is following through on consequences. By not following through, you send the message that your word isn’t worth anything.
2. Watch Your Expectations. All parents want the best for their kids. The trick is to help them set and then achieve goals for themselves, rather than to expect them to live up to their parents’ goals.
3. Accept Them Where They Are. Adolescence is a very turbulent time for kids. They can be a roller coaster of moods, emotions, and hormones all wrapped up together. If your daughter is brokenhearted over a “crush” that hasn’t worked out the way she had hoped, don’t belittle her or tease her over “puppy love.” Remember, “puppy love” is very real to “puppies.” Affirm your teen’s feelings. They are what they are – and they are real.
4. Take Time To Listen. This is part of what I call “The Power of Being There.” Your presence makes a difference. When you really listen, your teen sees it as a sign of caring and connectedness. Listening is the language of love. Listen to your kids. In doing so, you’ll be demonstrating honor, love, respect, empathy, and acceptance.
5. Respect Their Choices. This is a tough one for parents. It’s hard to watch kids make choices that we don’t want them to make. Believe me, I understand. But, it’s our goal to move kids from dependence on us to independence, and this means we have to respect their choices. Obviously, in terms of choices, there are some areas where we need to intervene, like in the issue of drugs and alcohol, for example. But for the most part, in an age-appropriate way, we should allow our kids to make their choices and live with the consequences. Remember, one of the best ways to learn is by experiencing failure.
6. Ask For Forgiveness. When was the last time you asked for your child’s forgiveness? The parent who tries to come across as perfect is making a big mistake. In fact, you’ll probably be amazed at how much credibility you gain with your children when you’re honest with them about your shortcomings.
7. Respect Their Privacy. If your son is in his bedroom with the door closed—and you need to talk to him for whatever reason—respect his privacy by knocking on the door before entering. Of course, as a parent, you have every right to just walk on in, but a simple knock and asking if “now’s a good time” to have the conversation gives your son the opportunity to feel as though he actually bought into the process – rather than having it forced upon him.
8. Communicate Clearly. Good communication takes work. Make sure you work at listening to what your kids are actually saying. You might have to ask for clarification as terms and meanings change. Understand that you’ve grown up in a different time also – so be sure that your kids understand you!
9. Do The Unexpected. When it comes to discipline, be creative. No, you can’t beat kids over the head and force them to do things, but you can’t let them off the hook either. Dr. Leman uses the example of a child who was expected to prepare dinner. The child didn’t get around to it, so mom and dad went out to dinner alone and then took the meal’s expense from the child’s allowance. Dr. Leman says, “Doing the unexpected creates a long-lasting shock value.”
10. Talk About Potential Problems. This simply refers to talking issues over with your kids before they face them, like discussing with them when they’re eleven or twelve what to expect on a date and what problems they might encounter, rather than waiting ‘til they’re sixteen, on the eve of a first date.
11. Don’t Act Like A Teenager. You’re not one. Your kids know it. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be fun-loving, or have a healthy sense of humor. But they are counting on you to act like a grown-up.
12. Give Them Choices. Adult life is full of choices. Help your kids move towards independence by making sure they have opportunities to make choices and to learn from the consequences of their choices. While practice may not make perfect, giving kids choices will help them learn how to make good decisions.
13. Don’t Snowplow Their School Road. This refers to allowing kids to be responsible for their own homework and school activities. Too many parents get involved in helping their kids with these – and unintentionally get in the way of the growth process their kids need to experience. While your kids need your encouragement, make sure you are teaching them about accountability and responsibility for their assignments and commitments.
14. Don’t Show Them Off or Embarrass Them. Okay, as parents, we tend toward one or the other of these extremes. Either we want to show off our kids for what a great job they’ve done on something (it makes us feel good about ourselves, make no mistake!) or we embarrass our kids in front of others because they’ve messed up or disappointed us. There are times for praise and times for rebuke, but make sure these are done in the right place and at the right time.
15. Don’t Pick At Flaws. Teens are painfully aware of their shortcomings. Generally, they don’t need parents to remind them constantly of their weaknesses, failures, and flaws. Nagging and criticizing doesn’t make the list when it comes to effective parenting skills!
16. Don’t Spit In Their Soup. Dr. Leman says that this is “when you add a little tagalong that has no other purpose than to make your teen feel guilty.” An example: “Sure dear, you can go to the movie this afternoon. I’m glad someone in our family gets to go out and have fun. I’ll be mowing the lawn.”
17. Don’t Talk In Volumes. Some parents just lie in wait for an opportunity to unload verbally to offer advice and instruction. Don’t make every moment in life a “teachable” one. If your child needs new shoes and asks for them, you don’t have to explain the proper way to walk to maximize the life of the shoes.
18. Don’t Smother Them With Praise. Appropriate praise is important, but if you heap too much praise on kids, they can hear the unintended message that you love them only when they perform at a high level. Find ways to praise and encourage without tying it to a specific performance or building up unrealistic hopes.
19. Don’t Make Icebergs Out Of Icicles. Just a reminder to season your parenting with grace. We all make mistakes. We all have fallen short. Learn to extend the same grace to your kids that you would like others to extend to you.
20. Handle Hassles Healthily. Conflict between parents and kids from time to time is a fact of life. These times can either be a path to communication blockage and unloving behavior, or it can be a path to deeper communication, greater understanding, and loving behavior. Working through the conflict takes more emotional involvement than avoiding conflict, but it is the loving way to care for yourself, as well as your child.
(Rules excerpted from the book, Running the Rapids by Dr. Kevin Leman.)
But at the beginning of creation God “made them male and female.” “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. –Mark 10:6-9
A few years ago my husband and I watched as a half-dozen friends hit the 10-year mark in their marriages and were struggling. Most of them began couples counseling in attempt to “save” their marriages. A few came out of their difficult period wanting to make things work and were better off than before. The others came out of counseling deciding nothing could be done to save their marriages and these ended in divorce.
As my husband and I walked through these times with our friends, we decided that perhaps we should seek counseling in our 9th year of marriage in an effort to get ahead of this “10-year unrest.” We considered the options and decided there would be benefits of getting counseling before our marriage was in trouble rather than after. And so, we began counseling.
Marriage is a beautiful covenant God created when he first joined Adam and Eve. It is a relationship meant for intimacy and partnership with one another, and together with God. It is based on mutual love, respect, and commitment. It is a sacred commitment. These days, the statistics are not good regarding the percentage of marriages that will stay together. Marriages need help to survive!
My car dealership reminds me to bring my car in for a tune up every 15,000. Once a year, I have my furnace serviced, my grass fertilized, and my sprinklers checked. For all these, I make the time to be sure they are in working order. They are expensive to replace so I want to make sure they work properly. Marriages are much more valuable than cars or furnaces, and as such, deserve more attention and maintenance! But far too many couples do not seek any preventative maintenance. I am not suggesting that everyone should go for marital counseling tomorrow, but if a marriage is neglected it won’t work right and runs the risk of breaking down. Our marriages need to be invested in and taken care of in order to work well. And when we do so, we honor God.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
1. What would it look like in your marriage to do a “tune up”?
- What acts of kindness could you perform today as a way to demonstrate to your spouse that you desire to invest in your relationship?
A STEP CLOSER:
Discuss as a couple what areas of your marriage may most be in need of some “tuning up.” Together, consider the possibility of seeing a marriage counselor for the purpose of “preventative maintenance.” If counseling isn’t feasible or needed, be sure to spend some time talking through your “tune up” issues.
Have you ever experienced the frustration of seeing your kid not doing a task correctly (the way we want them to!)? Most often, our kids don’t learn how to do something “right” because we–their parents–don’t take the time to teach them how.
Here’s a proven four-step plan for teaching kids to do almost everything:
Step 1: I do it and you watch. This is the time not only to demonstrate the task but also communicate. Talk through the task as you perform it. For instance, if you really want that next pass of the lawnmower to start three inches inside the last cut, make sure you say so and demonstrate it as you mow. Answer questions and provide clarification.
Step 2: I do it then you do it. This is a time of more demonstration, followed by supervised performance of the task by your child. Be supportive and patient. Provide gentle and loving guidance where necessary. Expect that it will take your kid time to learn correct methods and to meet your expectations. Don’t forget that it probably took you years of practice to develop that “best” way. Be sure to affirm your child for their improving skills–and their efforts–even if the results are less than what you desire.
Step 3: You do it and I support and supervise. At this point of the process, take a few steps back and let your child perform the task. Engage your child from time to time to see how the task is progressing. They may still need your support, encouragement, and more instruction to perfect their skills. This is still a time to keep calm. Be sure to keep affirming genuine effort. Be aware that this stage, depending on the skills involved or the responsibilities required, may take the longest period of time to progress through.
Step 4: It’s all yours kiddo! When you’ve seen that your child can perform the task to your expectations, you can remove yourself from the task altogether. This doesn’t mean that there will never be an occasion for you to check back in with your child. From time to time, kids will be kids and the task may not be performed as expected. Yet, for the most part, if you’ve used this teaching process with your child, you shouldn’t have to provide much supervision. You might even start planning the next task to teach your son or daughter. It is critical–even at this stage–that you continue to affirm and encourage your children on their performance of these family tasks. They, just like you and I, need to know we are appreciated!
No one likes to be nagged. Yet many parents resort to nagging as a primary–though negative–way to communicate their feelings and desires with family members. Positive communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. Successful families talk and listen. Good communication takes work, but if you employ some of the following tips, you’ll be on the road to improving your communication skills and the health of your family.
• Listen more, talk less. How good a listener are you with your teen? Even when you are convinced that you are right and they are wrong? Listening is the language of love. The easy route is scolding and lecturing, but the results are not the same as when we listen. Sometimes teens just want to talk when they really aren’t looking for a parent’s opinion. Wise parents will learn to quit answering all of their teen’s questions before she asks them! For older teens, it might help if you ask their permission to share your opinion, saying something like, “Would you mind if I shared my perspective?” This sends your teen the clear message that you respect and care for her. When it comes to conflict, John Rosemond has this to say: “The fewer words a parent uses, the more authoritative the parent sounds. The fewer words a parent uses, the clearer the instruction.”1
Good listening skills include:
– Give your undivided attention
– Look beyond the content of the words and pay attention to tone and body language
– Maintain an accepting and open attitude
– Use good questions to help clarify your understanding.
• Watch your own tone and body language when you speak. Your words only convey part of the message. Your tone and body language usually communicate more than the words themselves. For example, saying “Good job” when your arms are folded across your chest, while you are rolling your eyes and frowning, actually communicates something other than “Good job.” Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you intend.
• Avoid the silent treatment. Silence can wreak havoc on communication with your teen. If you need to process your thoughts before you respond verbally, always communicate the purpose of your silence. For example, you could say, “I need some time to consider how to respond. Let’s talk about this after dinner.”
• Take a time out when emotions are running amok. When emotions are at extremes, it’s always a good idea to take a cooling-off period to ensure better communication can happen later.
• Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Healthy families talk on a regular basis. Both parents and teenagers will experience times when they don’t want to talk. That’s a given. But make sure these times are the exception, not the rule. Be intentional to create a culture of conversation in your home.
• Make family mealtimes conversation times. There is beginning to be a trend of families trying to eat more meals together. But with your family’s hectic schedule, it can be tempting to quickly eat and run, moving on to the next activity. So be proactive to go beyond merely eating. Take advantage of having the family gathered together to engage in conversation.
• Make bedtime conversation time. One of the best times to have good communication with teens is bedtime. Yes, bedtime. This might not be the optimal time for you, but remember it’s not about you. It’s about communicating with your teenager. And teenagers’ body clocks are naturally wired to stay up later. When teens are in bed but not asleep, they will likely be more ready to talk about their day or their problems or whatever is on their mind. This relaxed atmosphere is a springboard for good communication. And these more relaxed conversations are foundational for the other times when you need to have more serious conversations.
• Have parent-teen dates or hangout times. By the time kids hit mid-adolescence, they are very focused on their friends and peers. But most are willing to do something fun with their parents; they still like to eat or shop. I recommend having at least a monthly date with your teenager. Let her or him pick the activity. These are great opportunities for casual conversation, and sometimes the time will be right for more serious discussion. But in all cases these experiences will help build a foundation of healthy communication between you and your teen.
• Walk around the block. My good friend John Townsend regularly took his sons on walks around the block. At first they would complain, but about the second lap around the block “the floodgates of communication would open.” Whether it is a walk around the block, a cup of coffee at a local café, or shooting hoops together, the bottom line is the same: do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open with your kids.
1John Rosemond, The Well-Behaved Child (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2009), 25.
Many couples don’t take time to share with one another their individual expectations about issues that appear in every marriage before they say, “I do.” Issues like money, sex, faith, parenting, time spent with friends, holidays, resolving conflict, and chores are some of the biggies. The result of not addressing expectations before marriage is to simply kick the “issues” can down the road, and this increases the likelihood of conflict and misery. If you find that you and your spouse are not on the same page regarding expectations, you’re certainly not alone. The good news is that through healthy communication, you can jump the expectations hurdle, reach consensus, and move forward together. The more difficult news is that jumping the hurdle requires some focused and persistent hard work.
Cathy and I never even thought to talk about household expectations prior to our marriage. But during her growing-up years, Cathy’s dad was Mr. Fix-It. He did everything around the house, and she just assumed I would be like him and fix anything from car engines to washing machines–anything mechanical. Her dad saw every such challenge as an opportunity to learn something new and conquer that giant.
I am very different. Emphasis on the word very. I studied Greek in graduate school, but that wasn’t going to help me know how to repair anything. I can’t fix stuff. Unlike her dad, I see every such challenge as an opportunity to pay someone to do it instead.
Cathy thought I was kidding when I said I didn’t know the difference between a flat-head and a Phillips-head screwdriver. And her unspoken expectation created a tension I could never solve. In our thirty-plus years of marriage, we’ve discovered many expectations that we both had and ignored by not addressing them prior to marriage. By the way, it’s normal to have expectations that don’t align with one another. However, that’s precisely why you should be proactive to talk through expectations rather than ignore them.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his very thorough checkup, the doctor sent the husband into the waiting area and called the wife into his office for a confidential assessment. In a concerned tone, he said, “Your husband is suffering from a severe disease combined with horrible stress. It looks as though he may die soon unless you commit to the following actions: Each morning fix him a full, warm, healthy breakfast. Always be in a good mood. Be constantly pleasant to make sure he doesn’t feel any additional stress. Make him a nice lunch and cook his favorite meals for dinner. Don’t burden him with household chores. If you can do this for the next ten to twelve months, I’m confident your husband will fully regain his health.”
On the way home, the husband asked, “So what did the doctor say to you?” His wife paused for a long time, and then responded, “He said you are going to die.”
While that story is funny, the serious truth is that if you don’t work on your marriage and become more intentional about expectations, your marriage could die. Do the hard work now, and you can save yourselves from future years of heartache and misunderstanding.
(Adapted from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns and Doug Fields.)
Jim Burns often speaks and writes about the importance of families playing together. There’s no doubt that in our fast-paced culture, finding the time to play together as families is a significant challenge. Yet, as Jim has said many times, “The family that plays together stays together.” If you’re looking for some practical and simple ideas to increase the “play” factor in your family, this article is for you! Here are ten simple games with minimal props, little preparation, and (perhaps best of all) no digital technology or wifi required!
1. Four-Square
One day, I looked out of my home office window and saw my neighbors across the street: Mom, Dad, and three kids playing four-square in their driveway. What a great idea! All you need is a decent-sized flat area, a ball that bounces (rubber ball, volleyball, etc.), and maybe some chalk to draw some lines. Need more info? Check out www.squarefour.org/rules for rules and set-up. Don’t get hung up on all of the rules or the size of the court. Just go out and have fun!
2. Hide and Seek
You might think that this one only works with young kids. But you’ll be surprised to find that even your teens can have a great time at this oldie-but-goodie when Mom (and/or) Dad play. Get started by having mom (and/or dad) hide – and have the kids find you!
3. Tag Variation
A simple game with no props required. All you need is some space and established boundaries. In this variation, everyone is “It.” The goal is to tag everyone else. When someone is tagged, he or she is out. The last untagged person is the winner.
4. Water Balloon Fight
Buy some water balloons, fill them up, and divide them into two equal numbers. Then, divide up the family into two teams and have at it. No rules (other than perhaps something like, “No head-shots allowed”) are necessary. This is a fun summer or warm climate activity.
5. Beach Ball Golf
This can be a front-yard, backyard, open space, or park activity. Blow up a beach ball. Assign a place on the course as the starting point (to “Tee-off,” so to speak.) Assign another place (a tree, a rock, shrub, or even place a rope in a circle) to be the “hole.” The game is played by moving the ball forward toward the hole by hitting it with your hand. Each hit counts as a “stroke.” Keep track of how many strokes it takes to get the ball to the hole. Take turns playing and the person who has the least number of strokes wins the hole. Determine ahead of time how many holes you’ll play during the game. The person with the least amount of strokes overall wins.
6. Neighborhood Service Scavenger Hunt
The goal is to have fun together as you perform as many acts of service in the neighborhood as possible in the amount of time you designate. Divide your family into two teams. Then, decide what constitutes your “neighborhood.” For example, you may only want your family attempting to perform acts of service on your immediate block or to a specific group of homes. Use the point system below to determine who racks up the most points by the end of the game. Offer a special prize (a custom-made ice-cream sundae, for example) for the winning team. This is a great way to have some fun and also expose your family to serving others. Your family will likely have some great stories to tell after the conclusion of this game!
Mowing a lawn – 10 points
Washing a car – 5 points
Sweeping out a garage – 3 points
Vacuuming the inside of a car – 3 points
Pulling weeds (20 minutes) – 3 points
Walking a dog – 3 points
Sweeping a porch – 2 points
Vacuuming a living room – 2 points
Sweeping a driveway – 1 point
Washing a window – 1 point for each window
7. Nerf Power Ball
For this game, which is best played outdoors, you’ll need to set the boundaries of the game (as large or small as you desire), a Nerf ball, and whatever you choose to serve as two “goals” placed on opposite ends of the area of play (chairs, trees, etc.). Divide your family into two teams. Each team tries to advance the Nerf ball toward its opponent’s goal by running with the ball or by throwing the ball to a team member. A goal is scored each time the Nerf ball is thrown and hits the opponent’s goal. The team without the Nerf ball tries to intercept the Nerf ball as it is being thrown or attempts to tag an opponent who is holding the ball. When the ball is intercepted in the air, the ball becomes the possession of the team that intercepts it. When an opponent is tagged while holding the ball, the ball changes possession to the other team. Whenever there is a change in possession, the team gaining possession cannot run with the ball, but gets to have one “free” throw to another team member and then play resumes as normal. After scoring a goal, the opposing team gains possession of the ball at their goal and is allowed one “free” throw to another team member. The team with the most goals at the end of the game wins.
8. Jello Slurp
For this game, ahead of time, prepare one bowl of Jello for each family member. Set out the bowls of Jello and one straw for each person. The goal of the game is to be the first person to slurp up the entire bowl of Jello with a straw.
9. Potato Obstacle Course Race
Needs: One potato, one broom, and a watch with a second hand. Before the start of the game, set up an obstacle course using chairs, or other obstacles. (If playing in your yard, even natural obstacles will work.) The goal is to use the broom to “sweep” the potato around the obstacles and return back to the starting point in the least amount of time. Before starting, you’ll want to demonstrate the proper way to navigate the obstacle course. Time each contestant as he or she goes through the obstacle course and the person with the fastest time wins.
10. Laugh-Off
Have one family member sit in a chair. Have another family member stand in front of the chair. This family member has one minute to make the person sitting in the chair laugh. The standing person (who is attempting to make the sitting person laugh) may not touch the person sitting. If the standing person is successful in making the sitting person laugh within one minute, he or she receives one point. Trade-off so that during the game all family members sit in the chair and that all family members have a chance to attempt to make the other family members laugh. The person with the most points at the end of the game wins.
Many parents find it hard to talk to their kids about God and spiritual issues. Yet, God specifically places the responsibility for motivating a child’s spiritual development on parents. In the Bible, in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 we read, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” God has given us, as parents, both the responsibility and the tremendous opportunity to help our kids grow strong in faith. If you need some suggestions about how to get started, here are ten practical ideas for you to try.
1) Be yourself. You don’t need a seminary degree to talk to your kids about God. You don’t have to speak using the language of the King James Bible to send the message that you want to talk about spiritual issues. In fact, if you do, your kids will wonder what’s wrong with you! So, be yourself! Share your understanding of who God is and why God matters to you—in a way that reflects the real you.
2) Don’t limit your conversations on spiritual matters to Sunday morning! This is not to say that Sunday mornings are off-limits for spiritual discussions, but don’t get caught in the trap of compartmentalizing faith issues to certain days or certain times. Let your kids know that spiritual issues are important in your life all of the time! This is exactly what the quote from Deuteronomy commands: talk about God when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up! Spirituality is to be part of an ongoing discussion in our homes, with our families!
3) Let your kids catch you in the act of doing something spiritual. Do you have regular devotional times—where you read the Bible and pray—that you spend with God? Do your kids know it? How about letting your kids “see” you engaged in your own spiritual disciplines. Don’t forget that your actions will teach your kids a lot about your faith—probably even more than your words!
4) Look for natural opportunities to raise spiritual issues. This takes some intentional work by parents to be on the lookout for opportunities “along the road” of life, where issues almost beg to be discussed in light of our Christian commitment and faith. Many opportunities will arise as your kids watch you live life. How do you, for example, demonstrate your faith when some jerk cuts you off on the highway? Perhaps, depending on your reaction, this may be a time to discuss the issues of revenge or forgiveness!
5) Take the posture of a “fellow-learner” as opposed to that of a “teacher and student.” Being a “fellow-learner” takes the pressure off as far as trying to send the message that you “know it all” (and your kids will already know this isn’t true). When discussing spiritual issues, you will most likely hear a question from your child that you can’t answer. It’s fine to say, “I don’t know. Let’s work on finding the answer together.”
6) Utilize media to launch discussions about God and the Christian life. While much of today’s media is negative in its influence and portrayals of values, it can provide a launching pad for discussions of how Christian values compare to whatever is seen, heard, or read.
7) Have a plan for family devotional and prayer times. First, find a devotional guide, sign-up for HomeWord’s Daily Devotional email, or order a copy of my book, Faith Conversations for Families. Then, devise a plan (daily, weekly, at certain mealtimes for example) and then stick to it. Build the habit so your kids learn, “this is what we do as a family.”
8) Have fun with your kids! Sadly, too many kids are taught through role modeling from their parents and other adults at church, that Christianity means being grumpy and bored. Perhaps one of the most spiritual things you can do for your kids’ spiritual growth is to model for them that the Christian life is filled with love, peace, and joy! So, plan fun times for your family. Let them know that the Christian life can be fun!
9) Get involved in ministry together as a family. The call to Christ is the call to serve. You can communicate a lot about your faith in Christ to your kids by your willingness to serve; by getting involved in ministry. For years, successful youth ministries have known that getting kids involved in ministry and service results in spiritual growth and in bonding together the youth group community. Do you know what? The same benefits will occur within families when they serve together!
10) Disciple and equip your kids. Actively participate in teaching your kids about God and what living the Christian life looks like. Why not do a weekly Bible study together with your son or daughter? Ask your youth pastor or youth worker for ideas for Bible study material. Youth workers will never be able to use all the materials that are available to them! Or, select a book together on a spiritual topic and then have a weekly discussion about what you’ve read.
Just like a roller coaster ride, parents of teens must tighten their seat belts and hold on for dear life. At the same time, with an informed understanding of how faith develops in your teen’s life, you’ll be better prepared for the ride, and you never know, you might even find yourself enjoying it along the way.
Faith Development and Teens
During adolescence as kids move beyond a more childlike, concrete way of thinking to more adult-like abstract patterns of thought, it is not uncommon for them to struggle with their faith. That is what happened with TJ. One day he told his parents he didn’t want to go to church anymore. He said he didn’t believe in God like he used to, plus, he thought church was boring and irrelevant. His mom and dad didn’t know what to do: should they force him to go to church? Should they try to debate him with his newfound skepticism?
I asked if I could meet with TJ. It was clear that he was a bit unmotivated about life (not unusual for a teenager), but he respected his parents and wasn’t antagonistic. All in all, he seemed like a good kid. I looked for deeper issues such as immoral behaviors, broken relationships with parents, abuse, or anything else that might be the cause of his negative feelings about his faith. It just wasn’t there. The main thing he expressed was not understanding how a loving God would allow things like death and war and poverty and abuse in the world. My response seemed to surprise him.
“I think your questioning is healthy.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You’re asking great questions for someone your age,” I told him. “I’ve had many of those same questions, and sometimes they creep back into my mind.”
“My parents think there’s something wrong with me.”
I replied, “The only thing wrong would be if you quit searching for the right answers to these really important questions.” I then added, “I do wonder if your perception of the irrelevancy of church is more about your attitude rather than the church, because I know several people who really like your church.” He smiled but said nothing.
I then offered TJ a fifty-day challenge (2). “How about investing five minutes a day for the next fifty days to your spiritual quest, and then meet with me every two weeks to talk?” I handed him my devotional book, Addicted to God, and he took my challenge. By the time we met next, he had gone back to church and even had some dialogue with his parents about faith. Today, TJ is an adult with a very strong and energized faith.
As parents, we must remember that just because teenagers seem bored with their faith doesn’t mean they hate God. TJ was actually going through a healthy process of disowning his parents’ faith in order to develop a stronger faith of his own. The questions and convictions were all part of growing up spiritually. In fact, it would probably be wise for churches to teach parents more about faith development and spiritual formation. Let me explain.
James Fowler, a pioneer in the field of faith development, identified six stages of faith (2). At stage one, children simply take on the faith of their parents. It’s a simple faith, and mainly they mimic their parents’ attitudes and even their prayers. At stage two, children start to connect faith to their church community and extended family, but it is still close to their parents’ belief system. At stage three, their faith is not personalized as much as we think, but they are taking on the faith of their church or denomination. Stage four is what Fowler called the “individual stage.” This means their faith is now their own. Sometimes they even move a bit outside the faith style of those closest to them. At this stage, faith is usually a bit simplistic and yet a serious commitment. Stage five is when adolescents begin to embrace some of the paradoxes of their faith. They are not shattered by unanswered prayer or the apparent suffering in the world that seems to be ever present. Their faith level is actually healthy, but a bit more complicated. The last stage, stage six, involves a more complex state of faith that often doesn’t solidify until adulthood. In this stage, people develop their sense of mission and calling in life.
My hope is that by being aware of the normal stages of faith in a teenager’s spiritual formation, you can relax a bit when she expresses doubts and questions. This isn’t the time for parents to preach or condemn, but rather it is a time that provides opportunities to explore together the issues in question, to continue setting a solid example for authentic faith, to help teens connect their faith to the adventure of everyday life, and to take advantage of teachable moments along the way. Let’s turn our focus to the key aspects of successfully passing your faith to energize your teens faith.
(1) Jim Burns, PhD, Addicted to God (Bloomington, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 2007).(2) James W. Fowler, Stages of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development (New York: HarperCollins, 1981), 117-199.
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 3:14
We live in a beautiful beach town, Dana Point, on the coast of Southern California. We never tire of the view. On most days when we are near the water, we see Catalina Island, twenty-six miles offshore. There are a few days when it is foggy and you can’t see it, but it is forever etched in our minds. People board boats from the harbor in our town to visit this magical island every day of the year. Some people take a fifteen-minute helicopter flight. A few brave souls paddleboard to the island, but very few ever try to swim there.
In 1952, Florence Chadwick decided to swim from Catalina Island to the shores of Southern California. She had already swum the English Channel, so in her mind, this would be easier. She jumped in the water one cold day in winter. No problem for Florence Chadwick. But as she swam hour after hour with a boat following her to make sure she was all right, fog settled in and she began to wonder how much farther she had to go. At last she motioned for the boat to pick her up. As it turned out, Florence was only a half mile from reaching her goal. She wasn’t too exhausted or cold. The fog had simply obscured her vision from her target. So she quit.
On the day of our wedding, we had a goal: to draw closer to each other and closer to God. Too many times, though, the weight of home responsibilities, work pressures, kid worries, and all the rest fog our vision for closeness. Spiritually speaking, everyone has foggy days. But God is there to say to us in His quiet, persistent voice, “Don’t quit. Persevere. Do all you can to keep your eyes focused on the prize.”
The writer of Hebrews gave us a formula for perseverance: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (12:1-3). The way not to grow weary and lose heart in your marriage is to keep your eye on the goal. Stay focused on Jesus, our goal, our sustainer, our Savior.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:• Has there been a time when fog surrounded our marriage?
• What areas of our lives do we need to persevere in right now?
• How can I help you do that?
A STEP CLOSER:GOALS FOR OUR MARRIAGE
Together come up with three goals for your marriage relationship to work on in the next month and list them below. Then think of three action steps that would help you accomplish those goals. Now circle what you can work on this week.
1.
2.
3.
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
Families are in need of more calm and less stress! The breathless pace we’re living in is tearing families apart. Still, there is something that can be done about the stress you and your family experiences. A lot of stress can be removed if you make the tough choices necessary to gain control over your schedule. Here are five choices you can make to help eliminate the stress in your life.
1. Create a Calm Environment at Home. Make your home a safe, calm haven from the madness going on in the outside world. Try not to overreact to circumstances of home life. Sure, many issues need to be addressed, but when you get angry or frustrated, overreactions are common and family stress levels rise. Look to cool down before you respond to such situations.
2. Refresh Your Spirit. Make time for God everyday. Reading a daily devotional each day is a great way to refresh your spirit in the presence of God. Encourage your family to do the same. Consider a regular family devotional time.
3. Renew Your Body. To eliminate stress, we need to be people who reflect balance in our physical lives. Everyone in your family needs plenty of rest, exercise, and a healthy diet.
4. Strengthen Family Relationships. Our families provide us with relational connections that will sustain us through both good times and bad. Strained or broken family relationships are naturally accompanied by stress. To eliminate stress, take the lead with your family to make sure your relationships become and stay healthy.
5. Roll with the Punches. No family is exempt from difficulties in life. Some are brief “moments” while others are “seasons.” How we respond to the hard times is a determining factor of whether or not stress will wreak havoc with our family. Stay flexible when the tough times happen and your family will still be standing when those times have passed.
In the end, your family’s stress levels have a lot to do with your own choices. You can choose to let busyness, over-commitment, and hard times take their toll on your family, or you can proactively make choices to lower the stress your family experiences. Begin today by making choices to ruthlessly eliminate stress in your home!
Some parents attempt to hide their true emotions when things are going bad, but this may be doing more harm than good. One study found kids can spot when their parents are under stress.
According to researchers at Washington State University in a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, parents often signal their suppressed emotions to their children, which can be harmful to the youngsters. During the study, children picked up on their parent’s emotions and changed their behavior to match the parent.
Another study from King’s College in London published in the American Journal of Psychology found that anxiety is not only genetically passed on from parents to kids but also through exposure to parents’ anxious tendencies.
Researchers found that anxiety could be transmitted from parent to child by observing the parents’ fears or worries in their actions or overhearing their conversations. Kids would then adopt those same worries. Parents also passed along their anxiety by unnecessarily shielding their kids from something they feared.
On the flip side, parents were also found to perpetuate their children’s existing anxieties by altering their parenting choices to allow their kids to avoid facing anxiety-producing experiences.
What Can Parents Do?
• Make the decision to meet your personal anxieties head-on and develop healthy strategies for coping with them. Evaluate your anxiety levels, and identify your primary anxieties. Do you have appropriate strategies for coping with your anxieties? If not, why not? Your goal should be to make your home as emotionally stable and anxiety-free as possible for your children.
• Consider the ways that your anxieties manifest themselves at home and in family life. What examples are you providing your kids regarding how to deal with anxieties in life? How can you improve your role modeling?
• Evaluate the extent to which you see your own anxieties being passed along to your children. If you find that your kids have similar anxieties, be proactive in teaching and practicing coping skills together.
• Try not to enable your children’s anxieties by helping them to avoid situations or experiences that trigger them. For example, if your child fears visiting a dentist, delaying dental care should not be a viable option. In the long run, it’s far better to help your kids face their anxieties, resolve them whenever possible, or teach healthy coping skills for those that cannot be resolved.
Life, marriage, and ministry can take its toll on a couple’s intimacy. It’s not difficult to become spiritually isolated from one another. Cathy and I have struggled with this in the past. In recent years, we’ve taken some intentional steps to move back towards spiritual intimacy and better communication. One of the key steps we’ve put into practice is what we call our “weekly meeting.” A successful meeting could take 5-10 minutes or much longer. Here’s the outline that we follow for our meeting time…
1. Review your recent quiet-times and devotional life. Share with each other what you’ve been doing in regard to your personal times with the Lord and what you’ve been learning and experiencing.
2. Share your greatest joy of the week. Sometimes life gets so hectic—with your spouse and family going in what seems like a million different directions—that you may not have had the opportunity to share your greatest joy with your spouse. This meeting provides a time where your spouse can catch up with the joys you have experienced.
3. Share your greatest struggle of the week. Here’s the flip side of the coin, if you will. Still, sharing your struggles with your spouse is equally important as sharing your joys. Hang in there though, because sometimes, as I have learned, the greatest struggle your spouse has experienced can be you.
4. Share an affirmation of your spouse. I believe strongly that affirming your spouse (and receiving affirmation) is tremendously important in developing spiritual intimacy with one another!
5. Share a wish or a hope for yourself or your family. This helps you to focus on your spouse’s needs and desires. Often, I’ve found that I can be part of the process that allows Cathy to realize her wish or hope.
6. Share physical goals for yourself. Cathy and I try not to neglect the physical issues when it comes to having a balanced life. Sharing our physical goals with one another helps provide an avenue of accountability.
7. Pray Together. Once you’ve shared on all of the above topics, you’ll be ready to pray – and you’ll have some very specific issues to pray about.
Ah, it’s spring again! Time to throw open the windows, take down the shutters, put away your winter wardrobe, and do a little spring cleaning. There’s something about spring that just makes you want to shake out the rugs and sweep out the garage.
Spiritually, we sometimes need a little spring cleaning as well — a readjustment that guarantees that our priorities are right. To start, I challenge you to honestly answer the questions below to see if there’s work to be done in your life.
I love the story of the first grader who had noticed that her father had been bringing home more and more work from the office each night. When she asked her mother why, her mother explained, “Daddy has so much work to do that he can’t get it all done at the office.” “Well then,” the girl innocently wondered, “why don’t they put him in a slower group?”
You know, maybe that’s not such a bad idea. As the pace of life gets more hectic and unhealthy, perhaps the solution is to join a “slower group.” Often we live at a breathless pace that creates stress, fractures family relationships, and squeezes God out of our daily lives. If you work hard and play hard, you’ll probably crash hard. Now may be the time to take one giant step backward.
Take a few moments to evaluate your spiritual, emotional, financial, and relational priorities. Perhaps like me, your life is ready for some spring cleaning of the heart.
Clean Sweep Checklist
Think through the following questions. Your answers will quickly reveal if some priorities need to be readjusted.
• When was the last time you made a new friend?
• How often do you and your spouse go out on a date?
• Do you get enough sleep at night?
• Do you have credit problems or carry too much debt?
• Are your children showing signs of stress?
• When was the last time you really laughed out loud?
• When was the last time you took time out to do something fun with your whole family?
• Has your faith become mechanical and detached from life?
• Is your job strengthening or strangling you?
• Have you eaten your vegetables today? Really?
In your anger do not sin! Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. –Ephesians 4:26-27
I read a humorous story about a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet about which she had cautioned her husband never to open. Over the years, the man forgot about the box until the woman became very sick.
While sorting out their affairs, the elderly man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know the contents of the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
Curious, the man asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she began, “my grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The man was so moved he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. Apparently, she had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said, “That’s the money I made from selling all the dolls.”
I’ll admit, I got a good chuckle from this story, but in reality, it’s no way to handle conflict in marriage. In the above Scripture, Paul warns us not to end a day angry. Anger is a powerful tool used by the devil who revels in seizing any opportunity to increase division between spouses.
Unresolved anger leads to bitterness, a lack of forgiveness, and can cause immeasurable pain in, and damage to your marriage. Today, choose to be a peacemaker and resolve any outstanding conflict you may have with your spouse.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• How has anger caused problems in our marriage? In what ways do we each find it difficult to deal with anger towards one another? What do we each feel is a personal key to helping us deal with anger more constructively?
• What are some ways that working through our anger can serve to strengthen our marriage?
• Is there any unresolved anger or conflict between us today? How can work together toward resolving lingering issues?
A STEP CLOSER:
Set aside a time together in a comfortable spot free from everyday distractions. Together, plan out a practical strategy for not “letting the sun go down on your anger” with one another. Make a commitment to each other to follow the plan. Pray together, asking God to help you to honor Him by the way you choose to resolve conflict with each another.
Parenting a teenager is not easy! If you’re raising an adolescent and having an easy time of it—something’s probably wrong! Though not easy, successfully parenting a teenager is by no means impossible! With God walking along with you every step of the way, raising a teenager can be a wonderful and rewarding experience! Here are some ideas to help you along during the journey:
1. Understand that rules without relationships lead to rebellion. Without maintaining a needed balance between the two, the tension level at home will probably escalate! Kids need limits and boundaries and a supportive, loving relationship with their parents.
2. Choose your battles wisely or you will be battling all of the time. Some things are worth drawing a line in the sand over. Most things are not. One thing is certain, if you choose to battle over everything, even if you win—your home will end up being a miserable environment for everyone who lives there!
3. Break the no-talk rule before it breaks your family. Successful families talk. Communication is vital for maintaining a healthy family. It is true that both parents and kids experience times where they don’t want to talk. Yet, each family member needs to be intentional and responsible to make sure that silence isn’t the rule, but the exception in your home.
4. Use a strategy of teaching to swim rather than sending in the lifeboats! It’s a given that parents don’t want to see their kids experiencing the painful consequences of poor decisions. Yet, too many parents “send in the lifeboats” in order to rescue their kids (and themselves!) from living with the consequences. Unfortunately, when parents rescue, kids don’t learn. Teach your kids to “swim.” It may be more painful in the short term, but in the long run, your kids will learn important lessons that will lead them into successful adulthood.
5. Connect behaviors with appropriate consequences. Inappropriate consequences for bad behavior leads teenagers into frustration and rebellion. Kids own what they help to create, so parents will do well to think through consequences by including their teenagers in considering what appropriate consequences are.
6. Catch teenagers in the act of doing something good. So much of what teenagers hear from the adults in their lives focuses on the negatives: “Why didn’t you do what I asked?” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” “I can’t believe you would do something so stupid.” An important truth to consider is everyone needs affirmation in order to thrive. Regular, genuine affirmation is one of the true hallmarks of a successful family.
7. Know who your teenager’s friends are. Many parents experience undue anxiety and frustration simply because they don’t know their kids’ friends. Strive to make your home a place where your kids and their friends want to hang out. Don’t “hover” but do engage your teenager’s friends in conversation. Learn their names, and get to know them. It will likely result in learning a lot about your own teenager.
8. Know who your friends are. One way to keep sane as a parent of a teenager is to know who to turn to in a time of difficulty or crisis. Who can you turn to when parenting gets difficult? If you don’t already know, find out and make a list to have on hand if the time comes when you need it.
9. Make your family fun! Never underestimate the power of fun in contributing to the success of your family! The family that plays together, stays together! Keep (and share) your sense of humor! Nothing turns off teenagers more quickly than the adult who has lost his or her sense of humor.
I ran into a friend who filled me in on some distance/frustration/angst within his family. After his transparent sharing, he went practical asking, “Do you have ideas on what I should do?”
Mending wounded relationships is NOT simple and Band-Aids are rarely effective, but there are some simple, practical, and transforming actions that can be taken to change the environment within your home.
Try these five actions for a week and see if the temperature in your home doesn’t change a little. Plus, even if your relational temperature is “fine,” these ideas may make it even better.
1. Leave the phone in the car. When you come home from work, it’s too simple to get lost in social media, texting, watching videos, and gaming on your smartphone. Don’t make the mistake of believing you are so critical to the world that you must be accessible at all times. Leave your phone in the car while you need to be focusing on your family.
2. Close your laptop. Computers are wonderful. But, when the computer is on, I’d swear that it calls my name incessantly, “Hey Doug! Yoo hoo! I know you’re there! Pay attention to me!” It’s too easy to come home and get lost in the computer that’s always on and calling your attention (blogs, work, email, Quicken, etc…). Turn it off and see if you can turn on some dialogue with your spouse and kids.
3. Show up on time. If you tell your family that you’ll be home by 6 pm… get home. Not 6:30…not even 6:05. If you make a commitment to your family, honor it. It’s amazing what simple actions will communicate about love and respect.
4. Reduce TV time by half. I’m not asking you to become Amish and ditch all TV. I’m suggesting that you cut your viewing time in half. Many of us eat dinner while watching TV. Instead, try turning it off so that you can engage in a dinner conversation with your family.
5. Write short notes. The emphasis on this is “short”… I’m not suggesting two pages, typed out, double-spaced. What if you left one of your kids a short note every day for a week? Short words of affection and encouragement can be powerful. And, if it’s not a regular practice, these notes will become treasures.
It seems that whether the issue is drugs, alcohol, bullying, risky driving, media consumption, or sex, studies show that parents consistently underestimate their own kid’s interest or participation in these behaviors. As it has been said, denial is not just a river in Egypt. What drives this type of parental denial, the “Not My Kid” Syndrome (NMK), held by so many? There are several primary factors at play:
1) Some parents have a hard time moving past viewing their kids as innocent children. Parents invest years in protecting their kids, controlling and monitoring activities, and trying to instill values. They want to believe that they’ve done a good job at parenting – and many have! They have a hard time coming to terms with their kids leaving childhood behind and starting to experience new levels of adult-like engagement with the world.
2) Kids mature differently. Because there is no normal when it comes to adolescent development; no fixed template that all kids follow on the pathway to adulthood, parents aren’t always aware of when adolescent changes are taking place. The development process, unique to each adolescent, can make it easier for parents to believe that their kid isn’t “there yet” when it comes to typical adolescent interests and behaviors.
3) Not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors. The simple fact is that not every teen drinks alcohol, takes drugs, vapes, views porn, has sex, and drives like a maniac. These facts make it easy for parents to make a simple assumption that their kids are in the “NMK” category, whether they are or not. But in reality, while not all kids engage in at-risk behaviors, all kids think about them and are susceptible to temptations and peer pressure.
4) Parents are uncomfortable talking about tough issues. Most parents don’t relish discussions with their teenagers on tough issues like dealing with peer pressure, sexuality, or drugs and alcohol. The hesitance to talk about these topics makes it easier for parents to rationalize that their kids aren’t ready or interested in these issues.
Rather than being an “NMK” parent, the wise course of action is to prepare kids for the process of adolescence and the pressures, challenges, and temptations that accompany it. Talking to kids about these issues in an atmosphere of acceptance and openness will help kids face challenges when they arise. But parents who live this season of life with a “Not My Kid” attitude actually put their kids at greater risk of being hurt along the way. It’s far better for parents to live with a preventative “Why Not My Kid?” point of view.
Most men I know break into hives and immediately feel the pang of guilt when their wife says, “We need to talk.” I realize this plays into a “females-like-to-talk” and “men-like-to-not-talk” stereotype. I also realize there are exceptions and if you fall into that exception category–fabulous! Change the context and you can read this just the same.
My experience is that when my wife, Cathy, says “we need to talk,” she really doesn’t need me to shoot words in her direction. Rather, she is looking to connect with me.
When I was younger, I assumed there was a certain number of words or amount of time of “talking” that would lead to connection (i.e. “If we’d just talk more, we’d be closer.”) But over the years I’ve learned it’s more accurate to say, “If we connect more, we’d be closer, and ‘talk’ would be more natural.”
Cathy and I know that when we get away on a date, or share a meal together, or have planned pillow time, our connection is going to be much stronger. But we also realized that life with kids was so busy that we’d have to steal a few minutes and be intentional to get to the heart of connection.
These are specific questions that seem to fast-forward our connection:
• Tell me: What’s happening with you?
• What occurred today that you want me to know?
• How are you feeling about life? Us?
Obviously, it would be irresponsible to write about “talk” and “connecting” and not comment about “listening.”
No one wants to be in a relationship with a world-class talker. We all want to be with…
• Someone who doesn’t rush to judge or evaluate what we’re saying.
• Someone who isn’t quick to agree or disagree.
• Someone who doesn’t feel the need to express every opinion that flies across their mind.
I have many regrets over things I’ve said. I can actually grieve some misplaced and hurtful words I’ve used. But I have no regrets over listening. I’ve never regretted thinking, Why did I pay such careful attention to her?, or, Why was I so patient and empathic and understanding?”
On the other hand, I have regretted checking email and reading my texts while Cathy was talking. But listening has never led to regret.
Connecting and listening will lead to more talking. But keep in mind that talking isn’t the end game… connecting is.
If you’re looking for a doable New Year’s resolution that can make a big difference in your marriage, we have an idea for you: commit to spend 1% of each day with your spouse. One percent of your time each day is only fourteen minutes and forty seconds, so let’s round up and make it fifteen minutes. That’s fifteen minutes of face-to-face, knee-to-knee connection. This means turning off the television, shutting down the computer, and putting your phone in jail. These few minutes, set aside every day, will make a big difference over the course of weeks, months, years, and decades. Your marriage can become rock solid if you’d slow things down, block noise out, and commit to a daily time together. Most of us pack too much into the 1,440 minutes that make up each day, and it leaves us hurried, stressed, and lacking intimacy with our spouse. Let’s change that! fifteen minutes isn’t much, and we know you can do this!
Our dear friends Fadi and Kim actually give each other at least thirty minutes a day. Every morning before work, they sit down together with a cup of coffee and have an intentional time of connecting with one another. They’ll often end that morning time with a prayer, a hug, and a kiss. They go their separate ways and run a business, chauffer four kids, ride horses, work on their house, entertain friends, do homework with the kids … you get the drill. Then, when things begin to settle down at night, they sit for fifteen minutes and have a glass of wine together to close out the day. Fadi calls this routine their “beverage bookends” (coffee in the morning/wine in the evening). Do they share other times throughout the day? Sure, but their bookend moments are intentional and protected: the phone goes unanswered and their children know not to interrupt them. Fadi and Kim–and others with strong, healthy marriages–know the importance of these focused times together and make them happen so they don’t drift. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time for it to be powerful time.
There is a great story in the Bible where Jesus challenged a woman named Martha to slow down and focus on what matters most. He essentially told her that her busyness was quenching her chance at “abundance.” That’s our same message to you. If you want to win in marriage, you’re going to have to figure out how to slow down, pay attention to what’s in your heart that is causing you to hurry, and learn to say “no” to the intruding noises and priorities that are stealing some of those 1,440 precious minutes that you have to manage.
Busyness doesn’t have to define you or your marriage. In marriage, you’re called to…
Love… not race.
Serve… not rush.
Care… not hurry.
True love requires time, and time is something busy people don’t have. Allow your love to stop… stroll… and even meander. That type of love will defeat busyness, win over stress, and keep you headed toward your intended destination.
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. —Proverbs 12:18
I have a buddy whose wife walked into the family room as he was watching TV and simply asked, “How do you like my new haircut?” He turned her way, scanned her new coif, and confidently replied, “It looks nice. Sorta like you’re back in high school.” She replied, “Hmmm. I’ll give you a do-over! Why don’t you try that again–how do you like my new haircut I spent $150 on?” He said, “I’m trying to tell you it looks great. I’m not sure it’s $150 worth of great though.” My friend slept on the couch that night.
I’m sure I’m not going to reveal anything new or surprising here, but without much work or premeditation, spouses can be quite nasty to one another.
Since it doesn’t take intelligence to be critical, let me suggest one marriage relationship principle that has helped me, I realize that this is easier said than done, but it is as simple as this: don’t say everything you think!
I understand that holding your tongue takes self-control and a degree of humility, but the results are amazing! When your spouse triggers an emotion in you and you want to react with a verbal dagger…don’t. When your spouse injures your pride and you want to say something that will be a zinger comeback and put your spouse in his or her place…don’t. When your spouse exhausts your patience and a strong reaction will make you feel better…don’t.
I have a quick wit and a propensity for sarcasm, and with this amazing combination of skills, I create some really strong statements…that Cathy never hears. Why? Because as a husband I’ve learned that I don’t need to say everything that I think. When I slip up and allow the statements to escape my mouth, I end up wounding my wife, triggering more reactions, demeaning the one I love most, heightening tension levels, and create negative memories.
Words are always powerful. But misguided words hurt and they hurt deeply. As Proverbs 12:18 points out, using reckless words is like stabbing another with a sword. In almost every instance, it’s best to keep the sword in its scabbard.
Remember, just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to say it. Not all words must be spoken.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• Proverbs 21:23 [MSG] reads, “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.” How have you seen the truth of this verse demonstrated in your marriage?
• What circumstances seem to trigger the likelihood of making a snarky remark to me?
• Is there a common element among these circumstances that triggers your vulnerability to say something to snarky to me? (For example: hunger, anger, feeling lonely or tired?) If so, how can we work together to minimize these triggers?
A STEP CLOSER:
Together, discuss potential action steps each spouse can take to work on not saying everything you think to your partner. Then, each spouse should verbally commit to work on one of these action steps in the coming week. Close your devotional time together in prayer and ask God to give you both wisdom and strength to follow through on your commitment. A week from now, check in with each other about how each spouse did with their commitment.
Many parents look for the latest parenting fad to help their kids grow into mature adults. Yet one key component for building kids’ lives is right in front of them: investing time, energy, and a commitment to “be there” for their kids. A regular, one-on-one ‘date night’ with each of your kids is a great place to begin intentionally investing in the overall health and growth of your child. Here are five tips for having a great ‘date night’ with your kids.
1) Choose to do something your kids want to do. Sometimes, when parents want to do something together with their kids, they’ll select an activity that they have interest in, but their kids do not. If you really want to create a positive “date night” culture where your kids want to hang out with you, try doing things that the kids are interested in. And remember, “date nights” don’t have to be complicated! They can be as simple as taking your child out to get an ice cream cone or throwing a Frisbee around in the yard.
2) Communicate. Be sure to engage your son or daughter in conversation during your “date night.” Don’t start by talking about your “list” of concerns you have about your child. Instead, talk about anything and everything. Ask your kids about their interests, opinions, and feelings.
3) Listen. Don’t dominate “date night” conversation. Communication is a two way street, so be sure to work at listening. Listening is the language of love. Through listening, you demonstrate that you value your kids. When you take the time to really pay attention, show empathy, and listen—you are taking a key step in connecting with your kids. When kids know that their parents will really listen (instead of immediately “correcting”) they will be more willing to talk.
4) Display affection. If you kids are adolescents, it’s important to remember that while they are in the process of becoming adults and separating from their parents, they still need your affection. In fact, sexual promiscuity in teenage girls can often be traced back to a desire for (and lack of) affection from their fathers. Dads, be sure to offer your kids genuine affection through loving words, affirmation, encouragement, small gifts, and appropriate touch.
5) Never embarrass your kids in front of their peers. A “date night” activity might take you onto your son or daughter’s “territory” – to a place where they may run into some of their peers. Gentle teasing is one thing, but embarrassing your kids in front of their peers can destroy all of the connection you are working to build with your child. Show respect to your kids and they’ll be more willing to hang out with you—and your “date nights” will be much more enjoyable as well.
Young women are called to live lives that are set apart from the world’s low standards.
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One of our jobs as parents is to plant the Word of God into our children’s lives. God’s Word provides them with a solid foundation upon which their lives can be built. In 1 Peter 1:24-25, we read, “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field: the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.” Creating an appreciation for God’s Word in kids isn’t always an easy task! But, I encourage you to do the best you can. Be persistent, pray, and then let God be God — who does the work to change lives! If you are looking for some ideas on how to instill an appreciation for God’s Word into your children’s lives, here are some ideas to help you get started.
Surround Your Kids with Good Resources. Younger children love Bible stories filled with action; stories like David and Goliath, Abraham and Lot, the Birth of Jesus, etc. So, if your kids are young, read Bible stories to them often. Utilize the many top-quality Christian videos available today. In reading, watching, and talking about Bible stories, you’ll be planting the concept that the Bible is important in your children’s lives.
If your children are older, be sure to give them a Bible translation that they can better understand. There are a number of “youth friendly” translations available, such as The New Century Version and The New Living Translation. There are also many “student” Bibles available, in a variety of formats, that include special notes and articles highlighting how the Bible specifically applies to young people’s lives.
Model Your Own Appreciation for God’s Word to Your Children. Do you have a regular devotional time where you read and study the Bible? Do your kids know it? How about letting your kids watch you model your own appreciation for God’s Word? Don’t forget that your actions will teach your kids a lot about how important you believe the Bible to be — probably even more than your words!
Create the Expectation that the Bible is an Everyday Guide for Everyday Life. In my years of youth ministry, I’ve often heard claims from students that the Bible is boring and isn’t relevant to living today. Too often, adults have passed along a poor concept of the Bible: that it is much like a school text to be read and memorized, but without much connection to how it applies to everyday life. You can raise your children’s level of expectation of the Bible (and their appreciation for it) by demonstrating to them that God’s Word is a trustworthy, everyday guide. Here are some specific ways you can accomplish this:
• Know what the Bible says. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar, but be a fellow-learner. This means that when your kids face a life issue or have a question about the Bible, share with them what you know the Bible says or work together with your child to find out what the Bible has to say on the issue or question.
• Know what the Bible doesn’t say. This is similar to the point above, but in this case, we need to help our children understand that the Bible doesn’t specifically address every issue. For example, your teen might ask you a question about what the Bible says about sexuality, like “How far is too far?” We need to be honest with our kids that the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not kiss thy neighbor.” But the Bible does have a lot to say about general principles for governing relationships, respect, lust, etc. which could absolutely apply when addressing the question.
• Emphasize the Good, Bad, and the Ugly in Scripture. By pointing to Bible stories where we read about both the victories and failures of God’s people, you’ll be making an important connection from the Bible to the realities of life that your kids experience. It is actually helpful for your children to learn that the Bible doesn’t contain only stories about nice people who always do the right thing. They will see that the Bible contains the stories of real people who experience the entire spectrum of human existence, many of whom are committed to living lives of faith in spite of their sin and struggles. Your children will benefit from seeing these every day, common experiences found in the Scriptures because they will learn that the Bible addresses real life issues.
• Emphasize Application of the Bible to Real Life Issues. When we help our kids see that the Bible is relevant and applies to real life issues — either specifically or by general principles — we create a sense of confidence in and appreciation for God’s Word in our children’s lives. As a result, our children will return to the Bible again and again for guidance and wisdom in their lives.
Teach Your Children How to Study God’s Word. The wisdom found in the following old adage, “Give a man a fish and he’ll be hungry tomorrow; teach a man how to fish and he’ll never go hungry again” also applies when it comes to teaching our kids to have an appreciation for God’s Word. If we, as parents, only tell our children about what they can find in the Bible, without teaching them how to discover and learn from the Bible on their own, they’ll become dependent on us, or on others, for their spiritual feeding. As your children grow older, be sure to give them the tools they need to be able to learn from the Scriptures on their own. Teach them a simple, Bible study plan where they can look at any Scripture passage and ask questions about the passage, such as,
• Who wrote the passage?
• Who was the passage written to?
• Where was the author? Where was the audience?
• When was the passage written?
• Why was it written?
• What was taking place at the time?
• What does the passage say?
• What action was instructed?
• What did the passage mean to the people it was originally meant for?
• What does it mean for me, today?
• What can I learn from the passage?
• How can I apply what I’ve learned to my own life?
Adolescents don’t like to lose their friends. But one longitudinal study of teenagers showed that the notion of having a BFF runs counter to reality. In the study, researchers found that just 1 in 100 friendships that begin in seventh grade continue on until the 12th grade.
The researchers discovered that the strongest predictors of friendship dissolution were differences in sex, differences in the degree to which children were liked by other children, differences in physical aggression, and differences in school competence.
What keeps friendships together? Apparently the old adage of “birds of a feather flock together” applies. Similarities between friends create harmony, lend themselves to cooperative activities, and builds an environment of shared pleasures, costs, and benefits. One caveat: undesirable attributes and behaviors, when displayed at similar levels between friends, also serve to keep relationships together.
What Can Parents Do?
• Understand that most kids will form new friendships and end old friendships during adolescence. It’s completely normal. There is a bit of a “revolving door” aspect to friendships in adolescence, particularly in early and middle adolescence as kids experiment with their identities and then begin to figure out their preferences. Eventually, they will begin to gravitate to similar peers for their key friendships.
• Support and comfort your teen when a previously valued friendship ends.
• Understand that you cannot choose your child’s friends, but you can encourage healthy friendships.
• Get to know your teen’s friends. Strive to make your home a safe and welcoming place for your teens and their friends to hang out. In the process of getting to know your teen’s friends, you will learn a lot about your own daughter or son, as well.
• If you find that your teenager has built a friendship based on similar undesirable attributes or behaviors, encourage him or her to evaluate and make major decisions about their friendships.
According to a recent survey, only 2% of teenage girls consider themselves to be “beautiful.”
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Many people embark on the pursuit of happiness – only to discover that it ultimately doesn’t satisfy.
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Kay Warren has endured a number of setbacks in her life. Any one of them would be enough to rob of her happiness. But on this special edition of HOMEWORD, she talks with parenting and family expert Dr. Jim Burns about how she handles life’s ups and downs “When Happiness Isn’t Enough.”
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Every marriage goes through seasons when the pressures of life seem to hit a bit harder than others. But if you feel as though your marriage has reached the point of desperation, Dr. Jim Burns and Dr. Gary Chapman have some good news for you!
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With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, more and more married couples are feeling the pressure and desperation that comes with trials and struggles.
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Even if it seems like your marriage is on life-support, there IS hope! Dr. Jim Burns continues his conversation with author Doug Fields and Ted Lowe, Founder of MarriedPeople Ministries.
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If you keep having “the same argument” over and over again with your spouse, the problem isn’t that you’re always fighting – the problem is you’re not doing it right!
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Many couples try in vain to avoid conflict in their marriages – but did you know that a “good fight” can actually make things better?
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Kids are growing up in a sex-saturated culture. But on this edition of HOMEWORD, Dr. Jim Burns continues his discussion on how to use age-appropriate techniques to talk about this issue in a healthy way.
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Sex was God’s idea. He created it – and on this edition of HOMEWORD, Dr. Jim Burns discusses some practical tips for us parents to teach these principles to our children in an age-appropriate fashion.
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In the pages of Scripture, we read about Lazarus – but there are few if any details about what he said or how he lived....
One of the key principles for establishing healthy boundaries with others is the ability to be able to confront a difficult situation in love
Most of us do not enjoy confrontation . . . but learning how to deal with it is a key to emotional, relational and spiritual...
Moms who respect and admire healthy masculinity can make a boy believe he was created for future greatness!
Boys attack life with an exhilarating exuberance. Even so, they still need parental influence to help them learn adult responsibilities.
When it comes to communication, even more important than words is the tone that accompanies them.
Research has confirmed that regular family mealtimes offer great benefits to families in general, and to kids specifically.
A study indicated that the number one quality parents want their kids to have is responsibility. If so, what can parents do to help build responsibility into their teens?
The issue with most couples is not how much conflict there is, but how they deal with it.
What parents can do to reduce the amount of conflict they experience with their kids over the issue of homework.
Jennifer Strickland always dreamed of working in the “perfect world” of modeling.
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Too many men are trying to make and keep promises to their families without having first received the blessing of their own fathers to do...
When a dad doesn’t receive a blessing from his own father, it leaves him unprepared to bless his own children.
On Season 4 of NBC television’s hit program The Biggest Loser, stay-at-home mom Julie Hadden came within 8 pounds of becoming the first woman to...
The teen and pre-teen years are exactly the time when kids actually need the presence of their parents in their lives more than ever before!
If you’re a parent, your children view your very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness.
During his teens, John Baker discovered that alcohol helped to take away his insecurities and pain – at least temporarily.
More and more Americans are turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with their feelings of loneliness and pain.
Following Christ does not guarantee you’ll be an overwhelming success . . . but it doesn’t mean you’ll always struggling to achieve material gain either.
Mother Theresa once said that, “You’ll never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.”
Eva Piper’s world was turned upside down her husband, Don, died in a car crash – only to regain his life 90 minutes later!
When Eva Piper’s husband, Don, was involved in an horrific auto accident, she found herself thrust into the world of full-time caregiver.
Zig Ziglar is concerned that too many young people are growing up without any sense of anticipation that life in Christ can get any better...
As the Co-creator of VeggieTales, Phil Vischer followed his dream of using fun characters to teach timeless biblical truths to kids.
Dr. Jim Burns continues his discussion with Phil Vischer – the Co-Creator of VeggieTales who is now launching a kid-friendly internet site for video programming...
As the Co-Creator of VeggieTales, Phil Vischer discovered the powerful impact the media can have on children and families.
One of the best ways to help our children grow in their faith is to make sure our own spiritual health is in order as...
Too many parents work extremely hard to provide their children with a “happy childhood.”
As the President Emeritus of COMPASSION INTERNATIONAL, Wess Stafford has a heart for caring for the children of the world. Dr. Jim Burns talks with...
When he was a boy, Wess Stafford endured extreme sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Fortunately, God delivered him from his distress.
First and foremost romance is not about sex. It's about intentionality and action. And beautiful sexuality comes after romance.
A look at common marriage mistakes that when repeated often enough can result in one or both spouses feeling they don't have any hope of rescuing their marriage.
Losing a child can be painful – but the death of a second child can bring with it a season of hopelessness.
A checklist for parents to use in the run-up to "back-to-school" in order to minimize the "back-to-stress" factor.
Disappointment is a part of everyone’s life. But when the hard times come, it’s important to remember that God always has something better in store...
Many kids are growing up learning “the Gospel of Sin Management” rather than what it means to have a vibrant faith in Christ.
According to a recent study, only half of the kids who grow up in a vibrant church youth group will actually stick with their faith...
The “honeymoon” season of a marriage is marked by warmth and encouragement – but a time of conflict feels much colder.
When a married couple moves from a season of warmth to one of cold isolation, they’re experiencing two of the seasons of marriage.
Of all the different roles you play as a parent each day, the one that has the most powerful impact on your children is that...
Of all the different roles you play as a parent each day, the one that has the most powerful impact on your children is that...
Author John Eldredge understands the motivation of men; now, he and his wife, Stasi, have uncovered the three core desires of every woman’s heart.
In his landmark work called, Wild at Heart, author John Eldredge addressed the three core desires of every man’s heart. John and his wife, Stasi,...
The youngest daughter of evangelist Billy Graham talks about the lessons learned from her own seasons of challenge as she details them in her book...
Ruth Graham knew that growing up in the spotlight meant that dealing with tragedy and loss would seem even more difficult.
Whether you’ve been married 20 days or 20 years, it’s never too late to get the kind of marriage you want
We often ask God for provision or protection. But sometimes what the Church needs is a dose of persecution.
Dr. Kim Storm is a counselor who has worked with hundreds of parents of strong-willed children. He has also “lived the dream” with his wife,...
If you are the parent of a strong-willed child, you may have given up on so-called “conventional techniques” to get through to him or her.
When popular children’s author Sally Lloyd-Jones discovered her 8-year-old niece was being bullied at school, she created a way for this little girl to truly...
Star athlete and Harvard graduate – those are the terms the media use to describe James Brown as host of “NFL Today” on CBS television....
James Brown is known to millions of sports fans as the host of “NFL Today” on CBS. But it’s his faith in God that really...
Not all of us parents are called into leadership at work or at church – but we ARE called to be leaders in an equally...
If you’re a parent, the kind of leadership you show in your home will have a powerful impact on your children.
As your kids move through toddlerhood into adolescence, one constant remains – they regard your presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. I like to call this phenomenon “the power of being there.”
Research shows that for the teen brain, portions responsible for pleasure, assessing risks, and rewards are all under construction. What's a parent to do?
Are you looking to gain some credibility in your relationship with your kids? Try being honest with them about your shortcomings.
Financial pressures can be a real source of strain on a marriage – but you can break free from the grip of debt once and...
Now is the time of year when anticipating the joy of Summer vacation might be replaced with the pain of dealing with a mountain of...
In her teens and early twenties, Shannon Ethridge was not what you would call a “solid Christian.” But it was the love and acceptance of...
When she was just 16 years old, the death of a total stranger changed Shannon Ethridge’s life forever.
Each of us has at least one “sandpaper person” in our lives. They’re not necessarily mean or abusive – they’re mostly just irritating! But they...
Is there someone in your world who really “rubs you the wrong way?” Learn how God uses these “sandpaper people” to actually help shape your...
Young girls may learn “the basics” about sex and sexuality from textbooks or in the classroom – but parents should play a vital role in...
The media has a powerful influence on the way our daughter’s process sexual images in our culture.
If you knew you only had one month to live, can you honestly say that you would die with no regrets whatsoever?
If you discovered you only had one month left to live, how would that discovery change the way you look at life?
When innocent people suffer, we often wonder, “Why would God let something like this happen to them?”
There are times in life when our circumstances are so difficult, we find ourselves wondering if God really cares about us.
The late Chuck Colson really cared about kids. He knew that the key to helping them succeed is to understand that embracing biblical principles and...
When her marriage ended, Tammy Daughtry’s primary concern was to be a good mother for her daughter.
Teen and pre-teenage boys are being bombarded from every angle by sexual images in the media – but there is hope!
In his landmark book called, Every Man’s Battle, Fred Stoeker revealed a common struggle among men.
Dr. Jim Burns continues his conversation with author Priscilla Shier on a vital topic for this time of year.
In the busyness of life, sometimes it’s easy to miss the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit calling out to you
More young adults are delaying getting married because they’re looking for the “perfect match.”
Let it go! Holding a grudge against your husband or wife won't add to your life and certainly won't strengthen your relationship!
The media tells us that the key to happiness is to find and marry our perfect “soulmate.”
Driving is one of the most dangerous risks that today's teenagers face. Understanding the risks can help parents become better prepared to help their kids stay safe.
Consequences are a necessary tool in any parent's discipline toolkit and should be used to teach teenagers to become responsible for their actions and to make good choices in their lives.
A strong family identity also helps children develop a strong and healthy self-identity. Here are three principles that are critical to the process.
When confronted with problems in your marriage, do you choose the "path of protection," or the "path of growth"?
Hey, guys – did you know that your wife is your “secret weapon” in the quest for marriage success?
With the average marriage facing a 50/50 chance of survival, imagine what could happen if couples committed to making their marriages extraordinary!
At the heart of many divorces is the failure to understand the basic needs of men and women in marriage.
When a man and woman “fall in love,” there’s a misconception that “love is all you need” to make the relationship work.
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In spite of what the culture may imply, fathers have a tremendous influence on the lives of their children.
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Fathers who are intentional, supportive and engaged in the lives of their children make a huge impact.
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When a girl learns to respect her father, she is free to live the kind of life God is calling her to live!
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One of the most important gifts a father can give to his daughter is consistency in parenting.
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Society has a different version of “mid-life” than it used to.
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For many of us, the second 40 years or so of life can be even more rewarding than the first 40.
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God created us to flourish and bear fruit – but sadly many of us are just barely getting through the day.
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We were not created to “just get by” in our earthly existence.
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Being the spiritual leader for your children can seem like a daunting task – but it doesn’t have to be!https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/26183046/HWJB_20230516_v1.mp3
When the Church mentors parents, parents can mentor their children – and the legacy of faith continues.
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As a young wife and mother, Anne Graham Lotz discovered an Old Testament mentor to pattern her life after.
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A growing number of single moms and dads are trying to find meaningful dating relationships while raising families.
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With only 25% of all American homes falling into the category of “Traditional nuclear family,” there are more and more parents who find themselves dating again.
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Like most women, Lysa Terkeurst has experiences where others intrude on her joy-filled moments . . . and she finds herself coming unglued.
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The passions in a man’s heart can shape his life and his future.
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In the heart of every man is a collection of passions that drive his life and shape his will.
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If you’re a dad with a daughter, you need to take an active role in making certain the boys who want to ask her out are worthy of doing so.
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Many teenage girls will soon be going on their first “big date.”
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I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. –2 Timothy 4:7 NLT
Thomas Carlyle, a great British author in the nineteenth century, was already well established in his career when he married another writer, Jane Welsh. Obsessed with his writing, though, he took little time to nurture their relationship. Even when Jane became very ill, Carlyle wasn’t there for his wife.
After Jane died, Carlyle sat in her bedroom, regretting how little time he had spent with her because of all the other “important” things he was doing. It was then that he noticed her diary sitting on the bedside stand. One page simply read: “Yesterday he spent an hour with me and it was like heaven. I love him so.” He turned another page. “I listened all day to hear his footsteps in the hall, but now it is too late and I guess he won’t come today.”
Carlyle continued to read until he was overcome with emotion. He threw the diary down and ran out of the house. His friends found the grieving man at Jane’s graveside with his face buried in the ground and tears rolling down his cheeks. He just kept saying over and over, “If only I had known, if only I had known, but it’s too late now.” Fifteen years later he died with a mountain of regret.
Sometimes we allow confused priorities to get in the way of our most important relationships. It’s important for a marriage to get off to a good start, but we want our marriages to finish well too. We’re sure you want this too. Make your marriage the priority it is meant to be.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• What part of this story can you relate to?
• What could you or I do to live with fewer regrets in our relationship?
• At the end of your life, what would you like to be said about you?
A STEP CLOSER:Look at the Scripture of the day and write out a paragraph of what you would hope could be said about your marriage at the end of your life.
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
If you feel as though you are too “overcommitted and underconnected,” Dr. Jim Burns will continue his conversation with popular author and speaker Valorie Burton.
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Family Vacation. Those are two words that strike fear into the hearts of many parents (and kids — especially if they are teenagers!) Some parents can get so caught up in the details of a summer family vacation that they don’t have any fun. Other parents find the stresses involved in a vacation are so great, that by the time they get home, they need to go back to work in order to get some rest. Yet, family vacations don’t have to be feared. They can be a tremendous source of bonding, relaxation, and fun while building a future filled with great memories. The following tips can help you turn your next family vacation into a great experience.
1) Plan in advance. Planning ahead will often save you money on all of the big vacation expenses like airfare, hotels, and even attractions. Making your plans well in advance will certainly lighten your stress load and give you more time to enjoy while on your vacation.
2) Set realistic expectations. From your expectations of your kids’ behavior to expectations of family bonding to expectations of either activities or down times, set the bar at a realistic level. A successful family vacation might be wonderful and will hold many great memories, but it probably is not going to change your lives. Don’t expect vacation time to fix problems at home or work.
3) Leave work at home. Unless you have one of those jobs where you absolutely must maintain communication with your work, don’t take work with you, don’t check your e-mail or text messages, and don’t answer your cell phone. It may take you some time when you get back to work to get back up to speed, but your family deserves your full attention while on vacation — not to mention the fact that you need time away from work as well!
4) Value your time together. Your living, sleeping, and eating arrangements may well be different. Your family may have to sleep in one room together. You may not be able to find a quiet place. You may not be able to prepare food as you would at home. Be aware of these factors going into a vacation and don’t stress out about them. Rather, make the best of your circumstances, valuing these unique experiences and enjoying your family’s time together.
5) Relax. You cannot see everything, do everything, and experience everything in one vacation. Don’t even try. Don’t plan out every minute of your vacation. Leave room in your schedule for spontaneity. Be willing to compromise on activities. On vacation, no one ever gets to do everything they want to do, but do your best to make sure that everyone in the family gets to do something that they want to do (moms and dads included!)
No person, from a Christ-follower to a staunch atheist, is exempt from the challenges and struggles that come along with the journey through this life. Still, I think one of the biggest differences between the Christ-followers and those who are not — is that the Christ-follower has access to an incredible source of hope. This type of hope is powerful. It makes a difference. It is a key component of the Christian life.
True, most people “hope” for something. Some hope for good health. Some hope that they win the lottery. These kinds of hope are expressions of our desires. The Christian variety of hope however is much deeper. Our Christian hope is called a “living hope” in the Scripture. It is grounded upon the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:3). The Christian’s hope is more than just a fanciful wish. It’s the assurance that God will keep his promises to us. We read in Hebrews 10:23, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” This hope gives us the reason to face tomorrow with confidence.
If you are a mother, there have likely been days when you’ve struggled with hope. Perhaps your kids have been misbehaving, or you aren’t feeling the kind of support from your family that you need in order to thrive. You might be concerned about what kind of adult your child will grow into. Maybe you just can’t see beyond this “season” in life. If any of these scenarios ring true, let me share some special words of encouragement. If you can raise your head above the waterline of anxiety and look to the Lord as your source of strength and hope, I believe you will find relief for your soul.
The hope you have makes a big difference on your children. You can give your kids a tremendous gift by sharing hope with them. Passing along hope is a wonderful legacy. It begins, of course, by modeling the Christian life openly before your children. You plant these seeds of hope in their lives as you respond with hope even in the midst of life’s most difficult challenges. When you live life with hope, you teach your kids that that God holds your (and their) future safely in His hands. When you allow God’s hope to fill your life, it will never let you down. Romans 5:5 reads, “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Let me leave you with some practical characteristics of moms who exhibit the power of hope:
• Hopeful moms are optimistic. They look for the best in situations and in their kids instead of picking out the worst.
• Hopeful moms focus on the future not on the past. They look forward to opening new doors when other doors have closed.
• Hopeful moms view problems as opportunities.
• Hopeful moms have a real view of circumstances but refuse to resort to cynicism.
• Hopeful moms understand that God still cares for them and their families in the midst of difficult situations.
Too many people are becoming “dangerously tired” by the hectic schedules they’re trying to keep
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It’s no secret that our kids are dealing with an awful lot of peer pressure at school. But that doesn’t mean we don’t also have to deal with the effects of negative peer influence as adult!
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Peer pressure is something every kid must confront. But just because you’ve made it through adolescence that doesn’t mean you’ll never have to face peer pressure in your adult years.
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84% of all single parents in the United States are women . . . so Dr. Jim Burns has a special word for single moms.
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There are currently 20 million kids living in single parent homes.
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In his book, 10 Building Blocks for a Solid Family, Dr. Jim Burns outlines some practical principles every parent can use to deepen their relationships with their kids.
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There is no “magic bullet” parents can use to guarantee their kids will “turn out all right.” But Dr. Jim Burns has identified 10 foundational principles you can use with your children to help them grow up to become responsible adults who love God.
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Dr. Jim Burns will continue his conversation with Chantel Hobbs – who lost more than 200 pounds but gained valuable spiritual insight during the process.
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Chantel Hobbs used to weigh 350 pounds – but not anymore! Dr. Jim Burns talks with this mother of four about the difference between wanting to change and actually believing God can bring those changes about.
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When life gets hectic, it’s not uncommon for moms to wonder what kind of impact they’re really having on their families.
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Modern society tends to devalue the role of mothers.
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If you keep having “the same argument” over and over again with your spouse, the problem isn’t that you’re always fighting – the problem is you’re not doing it right!
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Many couples try in vain to avoid conflict in their marriages – but did you know that a “good fight” can actually make things better?
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Did you know that your teenage daughter has a “violent craving” to be in a relationship with a teenage boy?
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Lots of teen and ‘tween girls literally lose themselves in the pursuit of “the right guy.”
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In his book, Finding God in Unexpected Places, author Philip Yancey discusses some ways the Father has made His presence felt.
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Many parents contact the ministry of HOMEWORD looking for ways to share their faith in the Lord with their children.
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Kids today are growing up in a culture that is online all the time!
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Social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter are giving children endless opportunities to communicate.
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Social media is having a powerful impact on what friendship means today.
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The Internet is helping millions of people reconnect with old friends and acquaintances – but is it possible it’s also leaving more of us longing for real connection with others?
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Serve one another in love. —Galatians 5:13
Helen and Lee have one of the finest marriages we know of. They are in their late sixties, and there is still a sparkle in their eyes as they look at each other. They constantly hold hands, and you can tell their love has grown over the years, not diminished like that of so many couples.
One time at a marriage conference, we asked them, “How do you keep your marriage relationship so strong and refreshing?” Helen looked at Lee and Lee smiled. He took her hand and spoke to her, not to us, “Do you remember what I told you the day of our wedding?” She smiled back and said, almost bashfully, “Of course.” He said, “I’m going to out-love you every day of our marriage.” Helen looked at Lee and said, “And what did I say to you?” She answered her own question, “No, I’m going to out-love you every day.” Only then did they focus on us and say, “They’re not fancy words, but we have really tried to live by that promise to each other.”
Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It’s about mutual submission and being a servant lover even when we don’t feel like it. In the healthiest of marriages there are seasons when it is more like an 80/20 deal, but that just comes with the territory. Showing honor to each other is about being proactive and intentional with your commitment to serve your spouse. Nobody said it would be easy, but with effort it can be done. Your marriage is worth it. Outdo one another in showing love daily.
Neither of us would at first think we are selfish lovers. We tend to be people pleasers and will try to walk the extra mile even when it isn’t healthy. Yet we have found this concept challenging because we have often placed too many expectations on each other. Your spouse can’t read your mind. The most effective way to share your needs is to spell out those needs to your spouse.
During a tough time at work, our friend Tom asked Kim not to bring up job problems too late at night. It would get his mind spinning and he was having trouble sleeping. Kim needed to bring up the work-related issues for her own peace of mind, but she honored Tom’s request by applying self-discipline to the situation and asking when would be a good time in the next twelve hours to have a talk about work. He was much more ready to tackle her questions over morning coffee. That’s just a simple illustration of being a servant lover rather than a selfish lover.
Put all you can into your relationship. You will see results, and even if you don’t right away, you will know you are doing what is right. Relationships that try to “serve one another in love” are the ones that are the most long-lasting and fulfilling.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:• Are there situations right now that make it difficult for you to show me respect? Are there times when it is difficult to love me?
• The Bible says, in Ephesians 5:25-33, “Husbands, love your wives… and the wife must respect her husband” (emphasis added). This Scripture speaks specifically to a wife’s need for love and a husband’s need for respect.
– Husband: How can I love you more effectively?
– Wife: What are specific ways I can show respect for you?
A STEP CLOSER:Take time now or in the next few days to talk through these four questions. We have found them to be very helpful in improving our relationship.
• What is right about our marriage?
• What is wrong about our marriage?
• What is confusing about our marriage?
• What is missing from our marriage?
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
Perhaps the greatest problem in parenting is the breathless pace at which we live our lives. I love the story of the first grader who wondered why her father brought home a briefcase full of work every evening. Her mother explained, “Daddy has so much to do that he can’t finish it all at the office.” “Well then,” asked the child innocently, “why don’t they put him in a slower group?” As the pace of life gets more and more unhealthy, perhaps it is time to join the “slower group.”
There are no easy answers to the problem stress poses to our lives, just difficult decisions. Are you experiencing what some like to call the overload syndrome? It’s what Richard Swenson calls “margin.”1 Margin is the space that once existed between our load and our limits. Margin is the space between vitality and exhaustion. It is our breathing room, our reserves, our leeway. Unfortunately, few families have much room for margin in our overcommitted, crisis-mode lives. As a friend of mine says, “We work hard, we play hard, we crash hard.”
You probably already know if the overload syndrome is plaguing your life and your family, but just in case, answer these questions:
1. Have you stopped enjoying life because you are too busy?
2. Have you stopped developing new friendships?
3. Are you exhausted most of the time?
4. Do you and your spouse have a regular date night?
5. Does your family have an enjoyable dinner together on a regular basis?
6. Do you get enough hours of sleep?
7. Do you take a restful day off?
8. Do you have regular proactive family times together?
9. Do you have credit problems or a large debt load?
10. Are your children showing signs of stress?
If you struggle with many of these questions, then you are among the majority of families who are living in crisis mode. Let me be blunt: You are flirting with disaster. That disaster is either yours, your spouse’s, or your children’s. Crisis-mode living paralyzes families.
Crisis-mode living is when you spend every waking moment of almost every day trying to figure out how to keep all your plates spinning in the air. In crisis mode you keep running faster and faster, from project to project, deadline to deadline, quota to quota, meeting to meeting, folding laundry to carpool to… you get the picture. Your life’s rpm is in the red, and you believe you have no other option but to keep on running, faster and faster. If you stop, you fear the plates will crash. And frankly, some of the plates will crash if you stop; but if you don’t stop soon, the results may be much worse on the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of you and your family. Healthy families have figured out how to live with balance and margin.
Crisis-mode living is dangerous to the health of your family! Here’s what happens when we live in crisis mode for too long. We begin to skim relationally. If you are married, your bond with your spouse that was once strong and intimate becomes weak and distant. Virtually all our relationships are damaged by hurry. Many families are relationally starved because of over-commitment and fatigue. Frankly, sometimes our children lie wounded, run over by high-speed intentions. Our children have watched more videos than is healthy simply because we don’t have the strength. When we skim relationally, friendships slip away. We quit support groups and miss our family outings. We find our relationships fading. Friendships that were deep and meaningful are now characterized as shallow. Casual relationships hardly even exist. Pretty soon no one has access to our souls.
Crisis-mode even causes us to skim spiritually. What was once a burning desire to serve God has become relegated to a few prayers and a dull faith–the kind of faith we said that we would never have. In Eugene Peterson’s beautiful translation of the Bible, he paraphrases the apostle Paul talking about people like you and me. “They were so absorbed in their ‘God projects’ that they didn’t notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. And so they stumbled into him and went sprawling.” (Romans 9:32 MSG)
Crisis-mode living also causes us to skim emotionally. When we are too busy, we tend to ignore the emotional side of our lives. You may find your anger flares up more than it used to, and you don’t take the time to figure out why. Our patience with our children wears thin. When we are in crisis mode, we quit paying attention to feelings like hurt, sadness, or guilt. We become mechanical soldiers marching through our days just maintaining, doing what’s necessary, and stuffing our feelings deeper and deeper inside our lives. We are emotionally depleted, but we keep on pushing. The results aren’t pretty!
I have a sign in my office that simply reads, “If the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” Most families are so busy doing good things that they miss doing what is most important. We seldom take the time to deal with our life issues and problems; instead we just keep on pushing, hoping that our marriage will get better or that the subtle negative signs we are seeing in our kids will disappear by osmosis. Well, they don’t. A healthy family builds margin into their lives and deals with the problems and issues in front of them before they become catastrophes. For too many years, I have heard myself say to my wife Cathy, “As soon as we get past this season in our lives, then it will slow down.” But seasons turn into years, and the crisis mode often continues, wreaking more and more havoc in our families.
How does a family overcome the disease of the overload syndrome? Healthy homes have less stress and more margin. Achieving this takes work, and the work starts with making difficult decisions. What kind of decisions? Here are a few to get you thinking:
- Deciding what will be your top priority: family or business/career?
- Deciding on which commitments and activities to cut back in effort to regain margin in your life.
- Deciding whether or not to pursue solitude and time with God to refresh our souls.
- Deciding on which commitments and activities to cut back in your children’s lives in order to protect them from overload.
Healthy families are made, not born. Removing stress from your family and building margin begins with choices. The sacrifices are real, but the payoff relationally, emotionally, and spiritually both to you and your children are well worth it.
1 Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves To Overloaded Lives by Richard A. Swenson, M.D.
This may sound like an oversimplification, but the family or marriage that isn’t healthy is the family or marriage that isn’t playing together. Playing together is an essential trait of happy, healthy families. Certainly our children need to do their chores, and of course they need discipline with consistency, but what they also need desperately from their parents is a rousing game of hide-and-seek or a monthly Ping-Pong tournament.
A great thing happens to families when they play together: They begin to talk and laugh and lighten up. Family memories are built, inside jokes are shared, and serious moments of intimacy are communicated. Families need special times together to build lifelong memories and to play together!
As most experts on the family will tell you, a family that plays together stays together. But I would add that a family that plays together will also be much more happy and healthy. For many families, play is the missing ingredient to glue the family together. Play opens closed spirits and heals broken families.
We know instinctively that play produces family togetherness and support. We know that when we play together, we have a deeper sense of belonging and community in the family. Parents must proactively work at making a sense of belonging and community one of their key goals for family togetherness.
Playing together as a family may open up the communication lines better than anything else you try, so now is the time to be proactive and create those family fun days and events that provide the catalyst for more effective communication. Do whatever it takes to keep the communication lines open, even if it means picking up a basketball or going to the park on a regular basis. Playing together and having a good time just may be the safety net you need to make a difference in your child’s life.
Since 2003, the number of young adults who have moved back in with their parents has risen 60%.
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According to one recent report, as many as 40% of 18-to-35-year-olds describe themselves as “excessively dependent” on their parents for financial, emotional and physical support.
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Over the years, a husband and wife may find the passion and romance fading from their marriage.
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Remember the passion you felt for your spouse when you were first married?
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No one can force you to go on a diet or give up smoking. Ultimately, if you want healing from those medical problems, you have to choose to let the healing process begin!
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Before any of us can be healed of a wound, we have to want to be healed.
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We live in a “disposable society.” When something is broken, we often times throw it away. That’s especially true with our marriages, isn’t it!
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Have you ever looked at your spouse and asked, “Why does our marriage stink?”
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In the Book of Esther, we read of a young girl who had a higher calling and aspired to the royal purpose for her life.
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Authors Pam Farrell and Doreen Hanna are concerned that too many girls have yet to embrace their royal standing in Christ!
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When Paul Coughlin married his wife, Sandy, they thought they would have a “nice” marriage. But in time, Paul came to realize that his wife needed a Godly husband rather than a “Christian Nice Guy.”
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Too many men in the Church today are trying to be “nice” instead of Godly.
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Recently, Jim Burns joined New Life Ministries‘ Becky Brown (the co-host of New Life Live!) on Facebook Live for a 15-minute deep dive discussion about numerous touchpoints for parents of adult sons and daughters. This comes before Jim speaks on this topic at New Life’s “Courage Parents” online workshop on April 1, 2023. To register for the workshop, go to https://newlife.com/workshops/courageous-parents/ and use the discount code LIVE50 to receive $50.00 off the cost of the workshop.
Until then, you can watch Jim’s discussion with Becky below.
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Many women in the Church today are putting in a lot of effort to be “nice” to each other.
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Do you know a woman who is so busy trying to please everyone that she’s making herself miserable?
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Hopelessness has become quite common in the world today.
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When his son-in-law unexpectedly passed away, Pastor Jack Hayford was confronted with a sense of hopelessness he had never experienced before.
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Sometimes the busyness of life can leads a husband to feel like he gets more fulfillment from his job than his marriage. And the same can hold true for a wife as well!
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The best way to improve the quality of your marriage is to start resolving all of the conflicts that you yourself are involved in before you try to change your spouse.
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Michael Moderow’s drug addiction was tearing his family apart. Dr. Jim Burns continues his conversation with Michael’s parents, Joe and Karen, about his tragic accident and miraculous recovery.https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/23212342/HWJB_20230307_v1.mp3
Joe and Karen Moderow had “the perfect life” – at least that’s what their friends and neighbors used to think.https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/23212118/HWJB_20230306_v1.mp3
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church–a love marked by giving, not getting. –Ephesians 5:25 (The Message)
Many couples expect romance to just happen, but we have found that intentionality is the key to rekindling romance. In two places Scripture says, “Husbands, love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25; Colossians 3:19). It’s directed to husbands, but it is the right advice for wives too. As we mentioned earlier, what’s really inspiring is that in the original Greek wording, the meaning is closer to “keep on loving your wife,” or “keep on treasuring your wife.”
When the stress of life gets in the way of our romance, Cathy proactively applies what she calls the Three Golden Rules for Romance.
Make it beautiful. It’s hard to hold on to negative feelings in the grandeur of nature. Beauty almost always reduces stress and allows us to get past our petty problems. Beauty reminds us that God created the universe in part for our pleasure. We are writing this devotional from one of the most beautiful spots on the planet, Napili Bay, Maui. It has been a place for us to rejuvenate our love for each other and our love for God. It has brought closeness to our marriage and our family. Obviously, a couple doesn’t have to travel 2,500 miles to find beauty. It can be found in a park, on a mountain, in a garden, or anywhere that brings beauty alive for you as a couple.
Make it new. Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder, so create interest by changing things up. Choose an activity that requires teamwork and togetherness. Just this morning we took a hike together and visited a new spot. Even when it comes to sexuality, a new and fresh experience can bring life to something that we would have never thought could become mundane. The act of doing something new together creates a bond and makes the moment feel charged. Sure it takes some intentionality, but that is part of what rekindles romance.
Make it interesting. Communication is one of the keys to romance, sexuality, and relationships. Catch a foreign film, read a book, or take a class together. We like to go on short road trips and explore new places. Anything that gives you new material to discuss and ponder is going to be good to rekindle the flame. The couples who quit developing common interests are the ones who begin to feel that their relationship is stale. Friends of ours took a ballroom dancing class and it was a spark that brought them closer. Work at rekindling the romance. For most couples the embers are burning. They just need some attention now and then.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:• What experiences in the past have rekindled romance for you?
• What is missing from our romantic life right now?
• Of the Three Golden Rules of Romance, which one do you think we need in our relationship?
A STEP CLOSER:
The Rekindling Romance Experience
Together plan a day or longer that will incorporate all Three Golden Rules of Romance. Look at your schedule and set a date for you to accomplish this. (Typically, to rekindle romance you don’t need to have all three of these experiences, but this is your “supercharged” time to accomplish all three.)
• Make it beautiful. ________________________
• Make it new. ____________________________
• Make it interesting. _______________________
• Date for this to happen: ____________________
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
Did you know that there are 5 things that mothers can do to influence the kind of women their sons will marry?
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It’s no secret that mothers and daughters share a special bond. Did you know that moms also have a huge impact on their sons as well?
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As kids hit adolescence, one of the key issues for developing a genuine faith (or in other words, “owning” their faith) is the extent to which they are able to think critically about it. The teenage brain is developing, and adolescence is the typical time when kids who have grown up in church begin to process what they believe, wrestling with tough questions, nagging doubts, and more complex issues of faith.
Rather than repressing doubts and questions, wise parents will embrace and foster this season in a teen’s life, creating an atmosphere where critical thinking is encouraged along with providing heavy doses of acceptance and coaching. Parents can express acceptance by sending their adolescents the message that genuine doubting and questioning is a normal, positive aspect of the spiritual growth process. And parents can coach their kids by coming alongside to walk with them as they work through their doubts and questions.
Encouraging and facilitating teenagers to think critically about faith issues may produce a measure of fear and trembling in parents as it means loosening the reigns of control and protection. It means embracing the possibility that their child’s faith may not turn out to be a carbon copy of their own. Kids may end up holding different beliefs on issues of faith. They may even move away from the community of faith they have grown up in because they’ve been allowed to think critically.
But consider the alternative: a disinterested church kid who may intellectually know facts about the Christian faith but who is unable to authentically connect faith and life. Some of these young adults walk away from church as soon as they are able.
Knowledge about the facts of Christianity alone will not make for a personal, vital, and real faith that equips kids to live out their faith in the real world. Rather, parents who encourage their kids to think critically; to wrestle with the complex issues of Christianity and provide them with a supportive, encouraging, and safe environment to do so — will ultimately help them to develop a genuine and enduring “owned” faith that will serve them well throughout their adult years.
On the outside, most young people seem happy-go-lucky, but inside each adolescent is a complex network of potentially explosive pressures. Adolescents with a strong parental and social support system are the least likely to experience the painful effects of the pressures they face. Becoming aware of the typical sources of pressure kids face prepares parents to provide encouragement and support to their kids. Here are five common pressures adolescents face:
1. The Pressure to be Perfect. During my years as a youth pastor, kids repeatedly told me that their parents wanted them to be perfect, particularly in in the areas of behavior and school. No kid is perfect and when they fall short of their parents’ expectations, they feel more pressure.
2. The Pressure to Succeed. The pressure to succeed elicits the attitude in our kids that life is a perpetual performance. To fail is to feel stupid. When kids fail, they fear that others will reject them.
3. The Pressure to Conform. Kids find it extremely uncomfortable to be different from their peers; so, they work hard to fit in and be accepted by one of the subcultures on their school campus.
4. The Pressure from Body Changes. Since consistent change is part of the developing adolescent body, teenagers are in a continual state of stress over what’s happening or what’s not happening. Each teen is unique and experiences the changes in their bodies in fits and starts and stops and spurts among other times when nothing seems to change at all!
5. The Pressure from Emotions. Adolescence is a time of emotional development. For many teens, the strength and frequency of their emotions is much like having new emotions altogether. They aren’t sure where the emotions have come from, and they are equally unsure what to do with them.
Pressure is simply going to be part of the adolescent experience. Learning to process pressure and stress is actually an important part of preparing kids to face the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Rather than trying to eradicate all pressure, the wise course for parents is to help kids manage and moderate the pressures they face so that they do not become overwhelmed as they journey toward adulthood.
Perhaps pornography, more than any other issue of today’s culture, has the greatest chance of bringing down the morals and values of this generation. Studies tell us that the greatest new users of pornography are twelve- to seventeen-year-old boys. The girls, however, are catching up. All the while, the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry is reaching into the souls of this generation and wreaking havoc. It is so powerful that it can snatch any kid in any house today.
A few years ago, a thirteen-year-old boy at our church was looking for a new baseball glove online. There used to be a large sporting-good chain in our area called Chicks Sporting Goods. We all called it “Chicks” for short. He innocently typed the word “Chicks” into a search engine, thinking he was going to find the store’s new baseball glove collection. What he found were pornography websites, and plenty of them. His first exposure to porn took him on a journey that caused him to daily, sometimes for hours at a time, look at awful porn. This was a good kid, from a strong family, with high morals, and he just got caught in the maze of porn addiction. When the family found out (they began to suspect something when he was on the computer in the middle of the night and his grades were dropping), they did the right thing and got their son help. However, that young boy will have thousands of vivid images stored in his brain and subconscious.
One of the many problems of viewing pornography is that is that your mind takes a picture of the image. And sadly, millions of young people today have very inappropriate images stored in their minds. Pornography is extremely addicting, and for many it can escalate. Here are the stages of pornography addiction progression:
- Viewing pornography
- Addiction
- Escalation
- Desensitization
- Act out sexually
In today’s world, kids cannot help but see very unhealthy sexual images. As parents, you can help your kids see the negative consequences of viewing pornography.
Information on the effects of porn is very prevalent today. Needless to say, pornography is fantasy. Fantasy and pornography are closely related links to sexual addiction. Pornography is a tool for going beyond reality, and, once used, it is difficult to live without. Sadly, sexual addiction among young people is growing, and for many, it becomes a strong obsessive compulsion similar to the intensity of alcohol, drug, and gambling addictions. Sexual addiction breaks families apart, causes people to view the opposite sex as objects, and tears at the very moral fiber of really good people.
The days are over when pornography was confined to a dark section of town at XXX-rated movie theatres. Pornography is distributed through what was once safe channels, like cable TV, bookstores, phones, and of course, the Internet. As parents, we must be intentional to counter this influence with love, example, and instruction. Otherwise, someone else will teach our children about pornography, and the visual aids they might use may be so enticing that they lure our kids into a fantasy world full of guilt, shame, and remorse. Pornography is not safe, and we can’t assume our kids will never be tempted. Being proactive but not “preachy” or panicked is the best way for helping the students we serve. As the Scripture says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
As a teenager, Christina DiMari used to go to the beach with her friends to escape the abusive environment in her home.
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Christina DiMari overcame a childhood of abuse and neglect to become a shining star in God’s eyes.
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Author Ruth Graham, the youngest daughter of Billy and Ruth Bell Graham, talks about her father’s legacy – and what he taught her about the importance of parents investing time into the lives of their children.
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As the daughter of the world’s best-known evangelist, Ruth Graham has learned many lessons about life and faith from her dad.
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God created sex as one of the ways for a husband and wife to express their love for each other.https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/22201310/HWJB_20230223_v1.mp3
The me
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Not too many couples start their married lives together hoping their family will merely turn out to be “pretty good.”
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What’s the difference between a good family experience . . . and a great one?https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/22184722/HWJB_20230220_v1.mp3
After the birth of their third child, Contemporary Christian Music veteran Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth thought their family was complete – but the Father had three additional blessings in store for them through adoption!
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Whether or not your kids are well-mannered, they’ll never learn to be truly respectful until they learn about self-respect.
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Many parents are trying to raise kids who have a healthy self-image – but author Jill Rigby says that the key to “Raising Respectful Children” is to teach kids self-respect.
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Pastor Rick Bundschu knows the importance of marking the rites of passage that usher young boys into manhood.
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Today’s toddlers will be adolescents before you know it! And, if you’re a parent with boys at home, learn some effective ways to usher young boys into manhood.
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Chantel Hobbs lost more than 200 pounds but gained valuable spiritual insight during the process.
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Chantel Hobbs used to weigh 350 pounds – but not anymore!
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Every parent has been faced with a situation where telling our kids the truth about a reality in life seemed too painful.
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If we’re really honest with ourselves, each of us parents must admit that we really don’t always tell our kids the truth about life!
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Many women struggle with an eating disorder that is not commonly diagnosed – exercise bulimia.
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Christie Pettit was a scholar athlete who headed to a Division 1 school to play tennis – but she didn’t realize she was battling an eating disorder as well.
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And why worry about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, “Let me get rid of the speck in your eye,” when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see clear enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. —Matthew 7:3-5, NLT
Becky decided to leave her husband. She had had enough. She packed her bags along with her fourteen-month-old son and left home. With tears in her eyes, she walked into her mother’s house and announced her decision.
Her mother hugged her and said, “Before you leave Bill, I have one more task for you to complete.” Her mom then took out a pen and paper. She drew a vertical line down the middle of the paper. She told Becky to make a list of all the things that made Bill impossible to live with. That was easy for Becky to do. The list filled the page. She listed his bad habits and what he didn’t do for her, like bring her nice presents or help much with the housework.
Becky assumed her mom would then ask her to write down his good traits on the other side of the paper. Her mom told Becky that she already knew her good qualities. Instead, she wanted her daughter to write out next to every bad trait, how she responded to each. “What do you do when he does something you don’t like?” “What is your reaction?”
This took Becky by surprise, but she began to write, noting things like “I pout and cry and get angry” and “I give him the silent treatment.” When Becky finished the page, her mother took the pater and cut it in half. She handed only the column of Becky’s responses back to her. She suggested that Becky go home and think about things. Her mom would watch the baby. “Pray about them, Becky. If you still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will will do all we can to help you.”
Becky drove back to her house. That day she focused on how she responded to Bill, how petty and negative her reactions could be. She spent the next several hours asking God for forgiveness. She asked for strength, guidance, and wisdom. She realized that she was honestly blessed with a good man—not a perfect man, but a good one. She remembered her vow to Bill five years earlier in the presence of family, friends, and God to love and honor him in good times and bad times. She jumped back in her car and drove to her parents’ house. She picked up her baby and drove home in time to meet her husband after work.
Becky knew the difference in their marriage would come from within. From that day forward she would try to be mindful not only of her actions but her reactions as well.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:• How would you finish this sentence? “After reading this story, I believe by reactions are often __________________.”
(Fill in a word that best describes how you react.)
• What keeps us from having better reactions when we have trouble?
• What do you think I can do to be a more effective reactor to our issues?
A STEP CLOSER:PROBLEMS AND REACTIONS
Separately list five to ten things that at times annoy or bug you about your spouse. Draw a line down the middle and on the other side, write out your reactions. Now talk about your responses. Pray together as a couple as you give your reactions to God.
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
Many Christian parents agonize over adult children who grew up in the church but then fall away from their faith.
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Getting your teenagers talking can be quite a challenge. You’ve probably had a conversation that went something like this:
Parent: Did you have a good day?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: What did you do?
Teen: Nothing.
Parent: Did anything exciting happen?
Teen: No.
Parent: Any plans for the weekend?
Teen: Not really.
Some of the challenge in parent-teen conversation is due to the type of questions parents ask. When parents ask questions that can be answered with one or two words, they usually don’t lead to great conversations.
To get your family talking, try using open-ended questions that create the possibility for more engagement in conversation. These won’t guarantee long answers from your teen, but the more thought you put into the questions you ask, the better the chances are that your kids will engage with you.
Here are some suggestions for open-ended questions which may help you get thinking about creating your own:
• What was your understanding of what happened when _____________?
• What would you like to see happen when you ____________?
• What do you think caused them to ____________?
• How do you feel about ____________?
• What were you thinking when _____________?
• What were the two best things that happened to you today?
• What made your day good (or bad)?
• What was the most surprising thing about your day?
• What do you feel are the biggest issues your friends face right now?
• What do you hope your life will look like 10 years from now?
• What worries you most about becoming an adult?
• How has your opinion of our family changed over the years?
• What do you think a perfect parent would look like?
• If you could change something about our family, what would it be?
• If you had to choose, what would you say is the best decision you’ve ever made?
• What sorts of things are most important to you in life right now?
For many couples, navigating the teen years plays havoc on their marital relationship. Some who have already raised teens tell me it was the most difficult time in their marriage. Yet the quality and example of your marriage will have a profound influence on the life of your teenager. Couples who can navigate the turbulent waters of marriage during the teen parenting years will provide their kids with a foundation of security and peace that will help them enter adulthood as responsible adults who look forward to a healthy marriage themselves.
Couples with teenagers around the house often roll their eyes when the subject of romance is brought up. They look back at another time in the relationship as a time with more physical intimacy. Too many couples have settled for mediocrity in their marriage, and frankly, are often just lazy when it comes to romancing each other.
It seems like back in the days when we were dating and courting our spouse, we could always find time and energy for them. We did special little things for them. Romantic love does change over the years, but it doesn’t have to slow to a crawl. Someone in the relationship is going to have to decide to initiate romance. Yes, this sounds a bit unromantic and not spontaneous. If the romance in your marriage is good now, then by all means keep doing whatever you are doing. But if it is not working how you want, be more intentional.
When the kids were younger, you could put them to bed early, perhaps light a fire in the fireplace, then get up and go get little Janie a drink of water, go back to the fireplace and snuggle up to your spouse… who had already fallen asleep. Yes, you were both tired then too! With teens, you may well be going to bed earlier than they do now. I know a couple who took massage classes together at the local community college. They put a lock on the bedroom door. There have been moments when their teenagers have teased them but frankly, they are being good role models for their kids and their future spouses. A regular nonnegotiable date night is a must. Cathy and I chose to go away for one night each quarter. It’s amazing what just a few hours away can do to replenish your relationship. Concerts, walks in the park, flowers, special meals, love notes, texts, and phone calls are all a part of being proactive about romance. The good thing about teenagers is that they can usually take care of themselves, so it is easier to find special times with your spouse.
What are you doing right now to make your spouse feel special and to keep the spark in your marriage alive? If you don’t invest in the relationship with your spouse now, you do so at the long-term peril of your marriage. Eventually, your kids will be out of the house and on their own for good. Really. So, what you do today to keep your marriage vibrant and strong will pay off in big dividends when you and your spouse become empty nesters.
Excerpted and adapted from Jim’s book, “Understanding Your Teen: Shaping Their Character, Facing Their Realities.”
Research shows that more than half of the children who grow up in church-going homes are turning away from their faith once they leave high school.
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Did you know that, when you forgive others, you’ll experience spiritual, emotional and physical healing as well?
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When others do us wrong, we can forgive them because of the example Christ sets for us.
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Deborah Smith Pegues walked away from a “dream job” as the Chief Financial Officer of a major organization simply to enable her to do a better job of managing the stress in her life.
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Stress has become an epidemic in our society today. And while it’s impossible to eliminate it, it is possible to learn how to manage it.
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When it comes to reaching kids and young adults today, it helps to think tradigitally.
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Growing up as “pastor’s kids,” Josh and Ryan Shook thought they knew what faith in Jesus Christ was all about.
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Growing stronger in faith is the desire every Christian . . . but learning the spiritual disciplines necessary to do so isn’t always that easy.
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You don’t have to be a pastor of Bible scholar to practice spiritual disciplines each day.
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Jim’s guest will be Ruth Haley Barton – author of the landmark book on this topic, “Invitation to Solitude and Silence.”
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All of us want to do great things for God – but sometimes we clutter up our days with too many good things to do!
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After the death of his young son, Hunter, NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Jim Kelly reflected on what he would have taught his son about life and faith.
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As a professional quarterback, Jim Kelly led the Buffalo Bills to four consecutive Super Bowls. But after the death of his young son, Hunter, he learned that God had a different game plan for his life.
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Put-downs, forgetfulness, rudeness, thoughtlessness – each of these can fracture a marriage and prevent true intimacy.
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Every married couple experiences seasons when spouses will completely frustrate each other.
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The divorce rate among second and third marriages is considerably higher than for first marriages . . . and a main reason is that the resulting stepfamily really has a hard time “gelling.”
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With an increasing divorce rate in the Church today, more and more Christians are facing the challenge of establishing new “blended families.”
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There are so many negative influences affecting young girls today – but it is possible to have a positive influence on your daughter!
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One of the most common questions Christian moms ask is, “How can I pass on my faith to my daughter?”
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Whether you’ve been married a few months or several years, it only takes a few “little problems” to create some major distance between you and your spouse.
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The start of a new year is the perfect time to fine-tune your relationship with your spouse!
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This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. –Psalm 118:24
We have a friend who takes people on tours to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, East Africa. She heard our family was going through some tough times this year, and she had no idea how much she ministered to us with her story. She told us that she had recently climbed Kilimanjaro with twelve people. One of the men stood out from the rest. No matter what they were doing–eating, working, flying, resting, walking–joy spilled out from him. Finally, after a week of being together in close proximity, our friend asked this man the secret to his joy. He told her that four years prior he had been diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live. He fought the cancer and beat it, now every morning his thought is Waking up is a gift. He tries to live in the moment as much as he can.
After the climb, our friend came down with an extremely painful back. Her doctor said her choices were surgery or pain medication. She said she lost all of her energy and her hope as well. It affected every aspect of her life, including her relationship with her husband. The pain was all-encompassing. She decided not to have surgery and to refrain from medication while she did back exercises given to her by her physical therapist.
Then she remembered the inspiring man from her climb of Kilimanjaro. She decided that even in the worst of her painful days, she would see waking up as a gift. She worked on having an “attitude of gratitude.” Even on bad pain days, she thanked God for the smell of the sea, the taste of a chicken tostada, a rainbow that she had seen the day before. She thanked God for her family and their support. She thanked God that no matter how bad it got, she didn’t have to stay focused on the negative. Her back didn’t get better immediately. But over time the pain was gone. She says the greatest miracle was not living pain-free, but learning that waking up is a gift.
Almost every day before I (Jim) get out of bed, I recite Psalm 118:24: “This is the day the Lord has made; [I will] rejoice and be glad in it.” Joy is sometimes an act of the will. Problems may not change around you, but your attitude can change, and that makes all the difference. Today as you perhaps face family health problems, financial pressures, or the needy people near you, realize that waking up is a gift and that a great goal is to acknowledge the fact that God created this day to allow you to walk through it rejoicing and with Him by your side. This attitude does wonders for your marriage and your family. Today is a gift. Your spouse is a gift. Your family is a gift. All that you have is a gift from God. He is our sustainer and provider. He gives us the gift of life.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• I needed to be reminded of this message today because…
• How does the thought waking up is a gift affect our marriage?
• Read today’s Scripture verse again and discuss together the many powerful ways these words can affect your life and relationship.
A STEP CLOSER:
THIS IS THE DAY
“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Make a list of all the things you can rejoice in within your life, relationship, and family. Then take a few moments to thank God for all He has done in your life.
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
We live in a world where the accumulation of “stuff” is seen as a sign of success.
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As the number of states which have legalized the recreational use of marijuana has increased, the cultural normalization of the drug has become part of the American landscape. And as retail and online outlets have multiplied, marijuana-based products have become more far more accessible to adolescents.
A review of marijuana-related studies over the period of 2021-2022 that were posted on HomeWord’s Culture Blog, shows there is a reason for concern regarding teens and marijuana use.
• A 2021 study published online in JAMA Open Network, found that marijuana use among young adults was associated with increased thoughts of suicide, suicide planning, and suicide attempts. See the post for more information.
• The Monitoring the Future study (2020) found that college-age adults who do not use marijuana may soon be in the minority, with 2020 useage among college students reaching its highest level in three and a half decades. See the post for more information.
• A 2021 study published in JAMA Pediatrics revealed that the number of teenagers who had vaped marijuana-based liquids had doubled over the previous seven years. See the post for more information.
• In 2022, a study published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, reported that teenagers are three and a half times more likely to develop an addiction to marijuana than adults. See the post for more information.
• And in December of 2022, in a study published in the journal of Clinical Toxology, researchers found that even while alcohol abuse among teenagers has declined, abuse of marijuana among the age group has soared (up 245% over two decades). See the post for more information.
What Can Parents Do?
• Assume your teen will be exposed to recreational marijuana use.
• Do homework on the effects of marijuana, both in general and upon teens.
• Learn the signs of marijuana use in teens.
• Make discussing marijuana use a topic of discussion with your teens. Ask them about the attitudes concerning marijuana use among their friends and peers.
• Set clear expectations and consequences for marijuana use.
As your kids move through childhood into adolescence, one constant remains — they regard your presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. I like to call this phenomenon “the power of being there.”
Now, a funny thing happens to children once they reach the teenage years: They don’t seem to want their parents around all that much. Sure, they need to have your presence in their lives. They just don’t want to be reminded of that fact.
This comes as anywhere from a mild surprise to a major shock to parents who are watching their fun-loving 12-year-old become a sullen 13-year-old seemingly overnight. So, here are a few helpful ways you can still be a part of your teenager’s life without pushing him or her away in the process.
1. Remember that just because a teenager doesn’t say, “I love you” as much as they used to doesn’t mean he or she don’t love his or her parents anymore. They just don’t want to say it at school or in front of their peers.
2. Keep in mind that, one-day, when your kids are grown up with families of their own, it’s likely you will have a loving friendship with them. Until then, resist the temptation to be one of their peers. Yes, peers are a primary influence right now–and you may want to be a part of your teen’s “inner-circle.” You definitely need to know who these “friends” are. But you can’t be one of them so don’t try.
3. Don’t forget that your job as a parent is a calling — so treat your kids like the gifts from God that they are. This will help you on the long, lonely days when it seems like your teenager really doesn’t care about you anymore. The fact is, she or he will get over it. Try to remember what it was like to be 13, 14, or 17 and give your child a healthy amount of “space” when appropriate.
4. Never underestimate the “power of being there.” Young children who grow up believing and knowing that their parents will always be there for them can face anything. Being there for your kids when they’re young gives them the sense that you’ll still “be there” for them when they’re older — in their hearts at least — but not when you are hugging them goodbye in front of the movie theater.
A few years ago, my doctor didn’t tell me to begin mountain biking, but he did say, “You’ve better find some type of exercise program that you like or you’re going to die.” (I’m not sure those were his exact words, but they’re close.) Then, I was dumb enough to tell my wife what my doctor said and she told me, “If you don’t find an exercise program you like, I may kill you before you have a chance to die.” So, with that external motivation, I sent an email to some mountain bike-friends and asked if anyone had a spare bike I could borrow to get me started.
Fast forward to today: I now own a bike (I bought one from a buddy), I have a helmet, shoes, clothes, gloves, and most of the gear that is “required” for this sport. Basically, I have everything needed except for…the needed skills and personal coaching.
After my first ride, I realized mountain biking is not like the type of bike riding I did when I was a kid. It’s not “jump on bike and ride all day.” It’s much different! In addition to the extreme terrain, there are so many moving parts that add to the confusion: 3 front sprockets, 5 or 6 back sprockets (I can’t remember), 2 brake levers, and 4 shifting systems. I’ve developed decent cardio conditioning, but I desperately need coaching to get answers to my questions.
Even as I ride these days, I think about how little I know about this sport/hobby. I really need a coach/mentor. I have so many technical questions. I’m not always sure when is the best time shift on different slopes. I apparently have a tubeless tire that I wouldn’t know how to fix if I got a flat. I have front shocks that need to be adjusted based on the terrain and I don’t have the slightest idea what to do. I know I’m supposed to clean my bike, but there are so many different products at the bike store that I’m not sure which one to use. Basically, my list of “how-to” questions could fill pages.
As I was riding and thinking about my need for a coach/mentor, I began to think about the teenagers represented in our homes and the process of faith development. What are we doing with all their questions? Do we even know the questions they’re asking (or not asking)? Or, do we assume they’ll catch everything about Jesus as they begin their “ride with him”?
Much like I need a riding coach, teenagers need a “Jesus coach.” While mountain biking is much more complex than “jump on a bike”… so is following Jesus much more complex than a simple “go to church.”
I still try to ride a couple times a week, tinkering around at the local bike shop, reading magazines and websites to try to find coaching tips, downloading trail guides to my iPhone, and asking a lot of questions…AND, I’m still confused, frustrated, and wanting someone to coach me. I want someone else to care enough to care about me.
Could it be that we, as parents, have become good at getting teenagers to go to church…but we’re not so good at coaching them on how to walk with Jesus? I fear that if they don’t know how to walk with Jesus when they graduate from high school and go on to college and their adult lives, they will also graduate away from church and perhaps even Jesus.
Here are some questions for parents to consider:
- Do your kids know that you want to coach them in the ways of Jesus?
- When your kids leave home, will they know that there is a caring, loving, and available adult who wants the best for them?
- Do they know they can ask the dumbest and most simple questions and have confidence that there are people who will care enough not to laugh at their questions?
- Do they know that in Mom and/or Dad, they have someone to “ride with” even though they struggle and occasionally fall?
If you answer yes to these questions… way to go! Those teenagers are blessed.
If your answer is “no” or “I’m not sure”… what you can change in your parenting style to become a more effective Jesus coach?
How do they know that they are a valued, young follower of Jesus who needs a little help with the call of Jesus to “follow me”?
Jesus spent most of his time with the few. Yes, he spoke to and fed the masses, but his most common audience was the few. I’d like to suggest that your “few” are living within the walls of your home.
They don’t need to be told to “go to church,” they need you…a coaching, listening, loving, and caring you.
Walking with Jesus is an adventure… but it’s one that requires more help and coaching than we realize. Will you take up the challenge of being a Jesus coach to your kids?
A lot of what we do and have is good for us . . . but the question many of us need to be asking is, “How much is too much?”
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From the moment she arrived in Hollywood, there was no doubt that Tracy Melchior’s beauty would lead her to a career as an actress and model.
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After enduring a childhood of neglect and sexual abuse, actress Tracy Melchior discovered that she could use her beauty to manipulate men in relationships.
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The pressure for teen and pre-teen girls to “look sexy” is powerful – and even Christian girls are feeling the pressure to conform.
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School clothes shopping for teen and pre-teen girls can be a real challenge for their parents because of the provocative clothing styles girls love.
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Author Kathi Lipp knows the challenges of connecting with hormonal teenagers – and she understands the value of wanting to build relationship with stepchildren.
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Obesity and a cancer scare forced Christian physician Dr. Nick Yphantides to see how poor eating habits he developed as a child led him to the brink of death.
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When his weight reached 467 pounds, Christian physician Dr. Nick Yphantides realized he needed to make a drastic change in the way he looked at his own health.
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If your kids like Pokemon, there’s a new version of the Bible you will want them to experience!
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Ralph Winter has produced some of the most popular films in Hollywood over the past 20 years. He’s taking his passion for using new media forms like anime to bring biblical truth to life for kids.
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It’s no secret that men and women have different styles of communication.
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One of the biggest sources of frustration in a marriage is when a wife feels as though her husband won’t listen to her.
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If you haven’t been able to get the man in your life to “open up” to you, this program is for you!
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In a landmark book, For Women Only, author Shaunti Feldhahn showed women what the men in their lives really wanted to them to know about them. On this program, she talks with Dr. Jim Burns about her newly updated research and how it provides women today even greater insights into the men in their lives.
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Remember what it was like when you were going through “those awkward teenage years?” Well, Dr. Jim Burns continues his discussion on some practical ways for us parents to ease that pressure with your own children.
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The teen and pre-teen years can be a time of growth and exploration for a child. They can also be a season when playing “the comparison game” can really hurt their self-image!
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Losses in life can devastate a family – but they can hurt even more deeply during the holidays.
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When tragedy strikes, it’s not always get back to the way things were before the loss.
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Sometimes, the trauma of sexual abuse can seem too overwhelming to get beyond.
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Noted speaker Jan Morrison has endured severe sexual abuse in her childhood and a rape in her adult years.
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The onslaught of media influence in the world today is leaving many child ren at risk.
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For most of us, Christmas is an exciting time of year. It’s the same for teenagers. But don’t forget that teenagers are experiencing adolescence — and with this — come some potentially awkward moments.
Buying Christmas gifts for friends. Okay, so your teenager wants you to pay for Christmas gifts for close friends. Well, that request might have been cute when they were younger children… but now?! What’s a parent to do? If you are in the habit of supplying money for your kids’ expenses (including gifts for friends), then reach a consensus with your daughter or son on how much money you’ll provide for Christmas gifts. Then, let your teen experience the wonderful (and sometimes painful) lesson of budgeting. Sometimes kids believe their parents are living, breathing ATM machines and that you have an unlimited abundance of cash. Now is a good time to dispel the myth.
You can make the budgeting process an excellent learning experience. Have your teenager write out the names of friends she or he will be giving gifts to and place a dollar amount beside each name. Your teenager may find that he or she doesn’t have enough money, and then she or he will have to explore an even more meaningful way to give gifts to those on the list. As your teen gets older, you will probably want to allow her or him the privilege to pay for her or his own purchases. This will teach a healthy dose of responsibility.
Friends, not family, for Christmas. Christmas can be a wonderfully social time of the year. Unless, that is, you are a teenager being forced to attend family Christmas events. Can you say boring? You can if you are a teenager who would rather spend the holidays hanging out with friends.
Here’s a suggestion: look at all of your Christmas activities as a family before the season gets into full swing and budget your time commitments. Discuss the importance of each activity and help your teen understand the importance or lack of importance of each event. There’s nothing wrong with making high-priority family celebrations pretty much non-negotiable. For others, discuss expectations, exchange opinions, and reach reasonable decisions. If your season is too busy, you may decide to shorten or cut out a couple of those Christmas events as well. Consider choosing the better option of spending more time focusing on a few key Christmas traditions and eliminating some of the busyness. Your entire family might find that less is more.
Traditions are important for families because they provide opportunities to keep your family legacy going. From the simple to the silly to the sentimental, traditions can create meaningful memories. Don’t hesitate to try out some new traditions this Christmas season and see what works and what doesn’t for your own family. You just may create a new tradition that will keep going for generations! If you are looking for some fresh ideas in the search for new Christmas traditions, consider the following:
1) Try an annual extended-family get-together. Sometime around Christmas gather the extended family together at someone’s home or restaurant and hang out with one another.
2) Watch Christmas movies. Throughout the Christmas season, gather the kids together and enjoy your favorite Christmas movies. Two of my own personal favorites: It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol.
3) Attend a Christmas Eve service. If your church doesn’t have a Christmas Eve service, you can probably find one going on somewhere in your community. This is a great way to focus your family’s perspective on the true meaning of Christmas!
4) Start traditions with Christmas Eve/Christmas Day meals. For example, at the Burns’ home, it’s always Chinese food on Christmas Eve.
5) Letters to Jesus. Before opening your Christmas presents, write thank-you letters to Jesus. Collect them and make them available every Christmas. Keep adding new letters annually. Here’s one rule to make this tradition work well: family members can only read the thank-you letters they have written.
6) Live out an annual family version of The Twelve Days of Christmas. First identify a friend, relative, or neighbor to receive all of the “gifts.” Then, create a unique gift for each day of the song (i.e., five golden rings could be five glazed donuts) and place the gifts on the recipient’s front porch.
7) Bake and decorate homemade Christmas cookies. Allow everyone in the family to participate if they want. Everyone should be able to request their favorite kind of cookie.
8) Sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus on Christmas Day. After all, it is Jesus’ birthday that we celebrate.
9) Read the Christmas story from Luke 2. Whether you open your gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, try having someone from your family read the Christmas story out loud before opening gifts.
10) Go to the movies on Christmas Day. Gather the troops and head off to the local movie theater. You’ll probably get good seats!
11) Drive around looking at Christmas lights. Sometime during the Christmas season, load the family up in the car and drive around looking at Christmas lights. This is an activity you might want to combine with attending a Christmas Eve service.
12) Go Christmas caroling. Take a walk around your immediate neighborhood and stop at homes and sing Christmas carols.
13) Visit a Nursing Home. There are usually a lot of lonely people living in nursing homes — especially during the Christmas season. Prepare some Christmas cookies and take your family to visit a nursing home–and spread the love of Jesus to sick and elderly people.
14) Help at a food bank or soup kitchen. Try spending Christmas day helping the needy at a local food bank or soup kitchen. You never know, your kids may never want to spend Christmas day at home again!
15) Celebrate your family’s ethnic heritage(s). Sometime during the Christmas season, prepare a family meal(s) that celebrates your family’s ethnic heritage. This is a great way to connect with your family roots — especially if you don’t regularly focus on this throughout the year.
16) Secret Santa. As a family, select one person you know who is lonely, needy, or just needs some extra encouragement. Purchase or create a special gift for this person. Then on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, get the family up out of bed, bundle up, grab some cookies and hot cocoa, pile into the family car, and drive the gift over to the person’s home. Sneak the gift onto the front porch and include an attached card that reads, “From your Secret Santa.”
17) Holiday memory journal or scrapbook. Purchase or make a holiday journal or scrapbook. Have everyone in the family contribute by recording memories of the holiday season. Keep adding to the journal/scrapbook annually. This provides a wonderful way to look back over Christmases gone by.
18) Ice skating on Christmas Eve — day. Many people get off from work early on Christmas Eve. Gather the family and head out to an ice rink or local (safely frozen!) pond for some time on the ice. It’s a great way to spend some family time and it keeps the kids active and helps them not to over-obsess on the presents under the tree back home.
19) Attend a local community Christmas event. This tradition can really take hold if the community holds the same event annually.
20) Try a New Year’s Eve event. Whether it is a neighborhood get-together, a party with friends and family, or a special church event, ringing in the New Year together as a family can create great memories.
Now more than ever before, the Internet is having a powerful influence on the way children look, think and act.
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As a child, best-selling author Frank Peretti was bullied, hassled and teased at school because of his appearance.
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It’s tough for a kid to deal with a schoolyard bully – but best-selling author Frank Peretti knows that there’s hope!
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Every father knows that “Seeing Your Heart for God Reflected in Your Kids” is a top priority. https://homewordmedia.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/02124950/HWJB_20221128_v1.mp3
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Learn to trust your spouse's forgiveness and grace, and begin to live in the relational freedom they offer to you.
In recent years, focus and attention have been placed on the dangers and consequences of concussions, particularly those associated with teenagers. What can parents do to minimize the dangers?
As the parents of six children, Pastor Jeff Schulte and his wife, Brenda, know the value of authenticity.
More than 1 billion people in the world today have less than $1 available to them to meet all of their physical needs for the...
Each of us is on a journey to discover our purpose in life. Dr. Jim Burns talks with Richard Stearns about how that journey can...
Less than 5 percent of Christian kids live their lives according a biblical worldview – and a lot of their friends are guided by “So...
Kids are growing up in a culture that tells them that there is no such thing as absolute truth. As a result, many of them...
Pastor Ray Johnston has discovered seven principles that can help restore a sense of hope in your life and relationships.
John Eldredge has influenced the lives of thousands of men by showing them how to follow the map for the masculine journey.
There are many reasons why apologies don’t come easy for many people – not the least of which is the fact that there are actually...
Sometimes, when a young girl is being bullied, her bully is the daughter of a fellow “mean girl” who never really got over that stage...
Bullying has become more common among teen and pre-teen girls these days . . . but what happens to these “Mean Girls” when they move...
One of the biggest challenges Christians face today is resisting the temptation to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.
The number of American children growing up without a father in the home is on the rise – and the number of dads who ARE...
Even though he grew up in a highly dysfunctional home, Jim Daly’s high school football coach led him to Christ – and launched him on...
Jim Daly says that he grew up “in a home that put the d in dysfunction.” And yet, God led him from a most unusual...
The breathless pace of modern living can make it difficult for parents to find the right balance between work and family.
Bill Butterworth knows how challenging it can be to keep some sort of balance between your career and your personal life.
Who better to really understand the “heart issues” of your life than a true friend who knows how to listen from the heart!
It’s no secret that we were made for relationships . . . but, too often, we judge their quality by how many details we know...
In spite of media reports to the contrary, there is actually quite a bit of good news about marriage – especially in the Church today!
Far too often we walk right past opportunities to appreciate each other for the small things. One day you may look back and realize these were really the big things.
The divorce rate is 50% – right? Dr. Jim Burns talks with author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn about why this statistic is so often misquoted.
If kids wait until school starts to adjust their sleep cycles, it's likely they won't begin with the focus and energy they need in the classroom.
Generally, kids love to be involved in activities. But with some kids "burning out" because they are too busy, how much activity is too much?
If everyone in your home spoke only words of encouragement, affirmation, appreciation, and support to one another, think of what kind of family life you’d enjoy!
A growing number of men are physically present in their homes and marriages – but emotionally they abandoned their spouses and families a long time...
Author Paul Coughlin has seen too many guys who are married but not engaged to their wives.
One of the most valuable gifts you can give your kids is to equip them to make right and wise decisions in their lives.
In a culture driven by answers, it might seem unnatural to want a “mysterious experience” with God.
The faith journey can seem like a mystery – but would you be surprised to learn that God is actually more interested in making it...
Men struggle the most with relationships – an area where women excel! Dr. Jim Burns continues his conversation with author Rick Johnson about some practical...
It’s no secret that men and women are different – so why do so many wives expect their husbands to think like women?
As a teenager, Christina DiMari used to go to the beach with her friends to escape the abusive environment in her home.
Christina DiMari overcame a childhood of abuse and neglect to become a shining star in God’s eyes.
Author Kathi Lipp knows the challenges of connecting with hormonal teenagers – and she understands the value of wanting to build relationship with stepchildren.
Mentoring can make all the difference in the life of a child. And yet, finding a mentor isn’t always easy.
When a lonely heart goes searching for God, many times it turns out that “the journey is its own reward.”
Often times the world can’t see the Lord’s influence on our lives because they don’t know where to look.
Even though God made you, that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel ordinary at times.
If you’re going through a season of reflection – and you discover you’re stuck in a rut – you’ll appreciate Dr. Jim Buns’ conversation with...
Dr. Jim Burns concludes his two-part conversation with America Online’s Family Coach Kathy Peel.
During adolescence, some kids become extremely motivated to prepare for adulthood – while others seem to have trouble moving out of the “comfort zone” of...
Our children are growing up in a culture that affords a lot of opportunities . . . but it also can become a breeding ground...
Sometimes teen and pre-teenage girls talk so much, their parents wish they would stop talking altogether!
Good news! Mood swings, as a typical part of the adolescent experience, will decline as teens get older.
The spouse who is never willing to "change course" is in danger of driving the ship of their marriage right onto the rocks.
Intentional parents don't rely on quick fixes to solve problem behaviors. Rather, they keep the long-term in view to maximize influence on their kids.
In our time, tragic acts of senseless violence have become part of the cultural landscape, and our kids know it. Here are some tips for helping them cope with fear and grief.
This generation of parents does a great job of trying to connect with their daughters – but . . . .
If you or someone you know has been “waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right” for too long, you’ll appreciate this conversation with Pastor Dan Chun...
More and more Christian singles are “staying on the sidelines” when it comes to love and romance – but they don’t have to!
The things that used to be considered luxuries are now considered to be necessities in our culture – and that means we’re surrounded by more...
We live in a culture that is so packed with good things that sometimes it can seem overwhelming.
Hundreds of thousands of families have benefited from the wisdom of Ron Blue and his Mastering Your Money series.
If you’re looking for ways to maintain and even improve the physical, emotional and spiritual health of your family, you’ll want to pay careful attention...
A recent report indicated that as many as 64% of American adults are overweight – so it should be no surprise that our children are...
Many children today are at risk of becoming obese before their 18th birthdays – but there is good news!
In an encore presentation of one of our All-Time Most Popular programs, parenting and family expert Dr. Jim Burns again welcomes Dr. Gary Smalley to...
Each one of us has an emotional, physical and psychological “layout” encoded in our DNA.
Just because the holidays are here doesn’t mean that your family isn’t being affected by too much stress in your home.
If the pressures of life are getting you down, Dr. Jim Burns is giving you permission to “Lighten Up!”
Even though she was determined to become the best single mom possible, Angela Thomas still struggled with feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness.
While every divorce is different, there are many common emotions divorced women experience – especially if they have children.
More than half of all households today have been affected by a divorce . . . but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope after divorce...
Sometimes prayer can seem like nothing more than a means to an end or a one-sided conversation where you do all the talking.
If you feel as though your prayer life has become routine or an empty exercise, author and counselor Dr. Larry Crabb has some good news...
What do your day-to-day choices and behaviors reveal about the priority you place on your relationship with your spouse?
God never intended couples to handle marriage and family issues alone. A community of fellow sojourners is an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage and a vibrant faith.
Our kids are growing up in a culture where bullying is becoming more and more common – but your child does not have to be...
Dads are important and they should give their best efforts to becoming the kind of father that God desires all dads to become. Here are some practical tips for becoming a better dad.
Summer is the perfect season for families to rediscover the lost arts of family rest and relaxation --- and it's also the perfect time for families to work on spending time playing together.
Children see, children do. Researchers have found that this adage is especially true when it comes to risky behaviors by teen drivers.
The Bible says that “perfect love casts out fear.” So we is it so difficult for us to live out?
What is the key to “Finding Success in the Game of Life?” Discover the spiritual lessons we can learn from playing a popular board game!
As a child, John Ortberg loved to play the board game called Monopoly. And it was while playing this game that he discovered a valuable...
It’s been said that 10% of our lives are determined by the problems we face – and 90% of our lives are determined by what...
The starting of a new year is the perfect time to take a long, honest look at the direction in which your life is heading.
Just because we parents don’t want to talk about it . . . and our kids really don’t know how to define it – that...
Most parents understand that it’s our responsibility to give our kids positive, value-centered sex education.
For nearly 40 years, Jim and Cathy Burns have been partners in marriage and ministry. On this special edition of HOMEWORD, you’ll hear some of...
The key to experiencing true intimacy in your marriage involves “Drawing Closer to Your Spouse and to God.” Dr. Jim Burns discusses practical principles for...
When your teenager is “in a mood,” how can you tell whether or not she is “stressed or depressed?”
Nearly 20% of our nation’s children are classified as “overweight” or “morbidly obese” — but there is hope!
God has created each of us with a number of healthy spiritual, emotional and physical “appetites.” But what happens when those desires spiral out of...
One of the most common questions people ask is, “What does God want me to do with the rest of my life?”
If you’re the parent of a rebellious child, check out this powerful conversation featuring Dr. Jim Burns, Pastor Charles Stone and his daughter, Heather –...
When Heather Stone was 13, she went from being a compliant “pastor’s kid” to an angry rebel seemingly overnight.
Young women are called to live lives that are set apart from the world’s low standards.
According to a recent survey, only 2% of teenage girls consider themselves to be “beautiful.”
Many people embark on the pursuit of happiness – only to discover that it ultimately doesn’t satisfy.
Kay Warren has endured a number of setbacks in her life. Any one of them would be enough to rob of her happiness. But on...
Every marriage goes through seasons when the pressures of life seem to hit a bit harder than others. But if you feel as though your...
Learning to navigate the choppy waters of the extended family can all boil down to honoring your in-laws. When you show honor to your in-laws, you are directly showing honor to your spouse.
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, more and more married couples are feeling the pressure and desperation that comes with trials and struggles.
A cautionary parable that reminds couples that how they build their marriages is much like how a carpenter builds a house.
Even if it seems like your marriage is on life-support, there IS hope! Dr. Jim Burns continues his conversation with author Doug Fields and Ted...
Being a great mom has nothing to do with perfectly prepped meals or spotless houses—your children need a mother who is “real.”
To help your teen grow into a confident, healthy adult, take proactive steps to parent them toward independence and maturity.
A study suggested that parents who believe their child is more special than other kids can inadvertently foster narcissism in their children.
Strained marriages are commonplace in many congregations – but now there is something churches can do to ease this stress!
If you keep having “the same argument” over and over again with your spouse, the problem isn’t that you’re always fighting – the problem is...
Many couples try in vain to avoid conflict in their marriages – but did you know that a “good fight” can actually make things better?
Kids are growing up in a sex-saturated culture. But on this edition of HOMEWORD, Dr. Jim Burns continues his discussion on how to use age-appropriate...
Sex was God’s idea. He created it – and on this edition of HOMEWORD, Dr. Jim Burns discusses some practical tips for us parents to...
Kids today have so many options for how their lives can turn out. That’s why it’s up to us, their parents, for giving them the...
A growing number of young children are feeling less and less confident about what their future holds.
Taming your family “zoo” is important – but how can we correct behavior without crushing character?
Parenting young children can be a challenge – especially when it comes to teaching them to mind!
If you’re the parent of a teen or pre-teen, your children are “digital natives.” The internet is a way of life for them!
Kids spend the majority of their days connected to some form of social media – but how can parents be sure that they’re staying safe...
Most of us parents do the best we can to educate our kids about the dangers of drug addiction.
Matt Pride was a good kid. But once he experimented with marijuana, he became addicted – and his addiction turned his whole family upside down.
You don’t have to be a Bible scholar to be able to “make the case for Christ” – especially with your kids!
“If you were ever put on trial for being Christians, would there be enough evidence to convict you?” That familiar question is one every parent...
Kids today are growing up in a culture that places enormous pressure on them to experiment with drugs and alcohol.
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Christian therapist Sharon Hersh was stunned to discover that her teenage daughter was into “binge drinking.”
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A recent survey of 8-to-12 year olds found that more than half of the kids questioned did not believe they had any hope for the future.
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We live in a culture that projects some pretty negative images of character attributes that are actually of benefit to our children.
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As a noted psychologist and author, Dr. John Townsend knows which theories are best for setting healthy boundaries for teens.
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May your fountain be blessed, and my you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer… may you ever be captivated by her love. —Proverbs 5:18-19
Some couples have a difficult time putting their marriage relationship ahead of raising their children in order of priority. (Even if you don’t have children yet, keep reading!) It’s easy to fall into a child-focused marriage, and usually the marriage relationship suffers when kids are almost always put first. We think your greatest family investment is your marriage. Obviously, this doesn’t mean you leave the kids to fend for themselves. They may need more focused time at various stages in their development, but happy and fulfilled kids come from families where they feel secure in their parents’ relationship with each other.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother and vice versa. Here’s what Leonard Sweet says about the subject: “The more a marriage is spirited and sporting, the better off the kids. It’s impossible to have a healthy family without a healthy marriage. One of the best gifts parents can bequeath to children is the example of two people in love bound together in a vibrant covenant relationship.”* Frankly, this has been a struggle for us. We have tended to put much of our time and energy into the lives of our children, and there were seasons in our marriage when we were much more focused on the kids than on each other. It’s easy to do. The kids are constantly needy and as adults we seem to get by okay with less attention. However, a love-starved relationship breeds trouble.
A friend of ours uses the illustration of a hose with oxygen feeding your lungs. If someone steps on the hose and it shuts off the air supply, you will quickly begin to die. It’s the same with a marriage relationship. Step on the hose supplying fresh air to the marriage and it will quit growing. When the kids come along, far too often it is the end of courting our mate. If couples put half the effort into their marriage that they invested in their dating life, they would be surprised at how successful the relationship would be—and how secure the kids would feel.
We have gone back to some key questions to help us draw closer together and focus on our marriage relationship as a priority. What was it we did when we were dating that drew us closer together? Are we still doing that now that there are kids in the picture? Where is my spouse in my top-five priorities? How would my spouse answer that question? There is often a significant drop in marital satisfaction, especially in the area of romance, when children arrive on the scene. However, the most positive marriages keep making romance a priority as well. Sure it takes some juggling. No one said it would be simple. A strong marriage will definitely take some work. However, the vitality it will bring to your entire family is worth it.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS
• How are we doing? Is our relationship more child-focused than couple-focused?
• Were my parents and your parents role models in this? How do their relationships affect us now?
• What can we do this week to tweak our relationship in order to help our children feel more secure?
A STEP CLOSER
The Priority of Marriage
List three things you can do with each other to raise the awareness in your children that marriage is a covenant gift from God. How will these things show your children how to have a healthy marriage.
Leonard Sweet, Soul Salsa: Seventeen Surprising Steps for Godly Living in the 21st Century* (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2002), 204.
Casey and Meygan Caston are wonderfully authentic. They lead a great organization called Marriage365. You can check them out at Marriage365.org. It was that great theologian Vince Lombardi, the long time coach of the Green Bay Packers who said, “When you stray away from the basics, you have gone a long way toward defeat.” In this article, Casey and Meygan give some basics to staying in love.
I honestly think that when we got married 13 years ago, I thought our love would never fade. There was so much passion, so much spark in our relationship that we must have been on some kind of love high.
Remember how sweet and passionate things were when you were dating. I’m sure they include a lot of handholding, kissing, cuddling, date nights, surprises, gifts and dreaming together. Those were the days when you couldn’t get enough and wanted to spend every waking moment in each others arms. I remember when we were dating, one night we talked all the way through til sunrise. I think often about the times we would try to top each other with our mushy and cheesy love notes and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
Fast forward past our wedding day and the honeymoon, and now after years of being married, the kids, the bills, the ridiculous piles of laundry, the meetings at work, the never ending honey do list, I’m tired, period. Maybe you can see yourself in our story. Luckily we like to geek out about marriage and so we thought we would brainstorm some quick and easy ideas to renew your love. But first, let me explain why this is important. John Gottman, the nation’s leading marriage researcher, suggests that couples wanting to spark romance need to turn towards each other even when they don’t feel like it, yes… even when they’re exhausted. He notes that friendship is an absolute essential element to thriving marriages. Friends consistently make bids in their relationships for positive connection, for moments to share. Here are 16 practical ways for you to start turning towards each other.
*Schedule your next date night and don’t tell your spouse the plans. The anticipation will spark a renewed sense of fun.
*Practice the daily 60 SECOND BLESSING. This is a daily habit of affirming the positive qualities you see in each other for 60 seconds each.
*Send flirty texts to each other throughout the day. Trust me, they will appreciate it.
Make foreplay a priority. Make more room in your calendar to make out and other stuff wink* before sex.
*Be affectionate and playful with each other in front of others. It’s not enough to just brag to each other in private, it’s significant to compliment your spouse in public.
*Start a new hobby together. Brainstorm on some ideas and create a list of shared interests.
*Show appreciation by saying, “Thank you,” and “I appreciate all you do”. This goes a long way in showing respect to each other.
*Take a walk hand in hand. Nothing gets the blood moving and creative juices flowing like taking a walk around the block.
*Focus on the positive qualities of each other by writing them down and posting it around the house.
*Plan a vacation together…no kids allowed. It doesn’t even have to be extravagant, but time alone is so important.
*Dream together which helps build security. Have you created a dream wall where you jot down your goals or things you want to do together? Go for it!
*Pay attention to your spouse more than you pay attention to your phone & TV. Less screen time and more face time.
*Reminisce about your favorite date nights, wedding day, honeymoon, travels together by pulling out old photos of you two.
Learn something new about your spouse. Ask open ended questions. Buy a new board games and have a game night together. Clothing optional. *Join us for our monthly marriage webcasts at www.nakedconversations.org
Just about everyone comes from some kind of dysfunctional family.
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Over the years, many media-created families have been looked upon as “ideal.”
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No parent ever thinks their child will face a crisis because of drug or alcohol abuse . . . cutting . . . or an eating disorder.
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Many kids are facing crisis situations like eating disorders . . . and drug and alcohol abuse.**
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Sexual purity involves more than just saying “no” to intercourse.
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Kids are growing up in a culture where it seems like sex is everywhere.
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The media is filled with sex-saturated images that can lead some kids to believe that “everyone is doing it.”
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The influence father has on the life of his sons can impact the culture for generations to come.
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Dads with sons are in a unique position of being able to make a difference that will shape the destiny of the next generation.
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Each of us was created for relationships . . . and, yet, developing and maintaining relationships can be extremely difficult!
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Each of us was made by God for the purpose of relationships – with Him, with others . . . and ourselves!
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If you grew up in a home where your parents divorced and then remarried, you may feel as though you have an upper hand on being a successful stepparent.
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Motherhood can seem like a difficult task – but being a stepmom requires an extra special set of skills and talents.
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Does having a “Rule of Life” mean that you’re not living by faith? Author Ruth Haley Barton doesn’t think so.
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The Christian life is a life of freedom, but having a “Rule of Life” helps us find the pathway to living a life that is truly pleasing to God.
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A painful divorce left author Katie Brazelton wondering what her purpose in life really was
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Many women today are suffering from a lingering sense of doubt . . . a feeling that their lives are without focus or direction.
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Each month, thousands of women enjoy the blog called “The Reluctant Entertainer” for tips on how to welcome guests into your home without going crazy
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When she first got married, Sandy Coughlin liked the idea of having guests over to her home – she just was a bit hesitant to actually invite them!
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To most men, a woman’s heart seems like a “swamp of emotions” – and yet, it is possible for a guy to understand how his girl is feeling!
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When it comes to understand what women want, most men are pretty clueless.
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Most of us have had the occasional heart-to-heart talk with our spouse over family finances. It probably comes as no surprise, then, that arguing about money is one of the most common arguments married couples experience. However, when a married couple continually argues over money, it puts a tremendous strain on their relationship, regardless of how much or how little money is coming into the home. Bethany and Scott Palmer are both financial professionals who wrote the book, Cents & Sensibility, dealing with how couples can learn to agree about money. I highly recommend it! Some time ago, I had the opportunity to speak with the Palmers for our HomeWord Daily podcast. In our conversation, we talked about dealing with the five most common ways couples disagree about money, and what they can do to embark on the road to agreement.
Before we discuss these common ways couples disagree about money, it’s important to know what I learned from the Palmers: each of us has a money personality type. According to the Palmers, we all have a primary money personality and a secondary money personality. Here are the money personalities that they have identified. (While you read these over, see if you can tell which one is your primary and which is your secondary money personality.)
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Saver (loves to save money)
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Spender (loves to spend money)
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Risk-Taker (comfortable taking risks to make money)
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Security-Seeker (conservative with money, not into taking risks)
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Debtor (comfortable using credit)
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Flyer (doesn’t pay much attention to finances)
The Palmers say that for married couples, much of the disagreement over money arises from a clash between conflicting money personalities. With that in mind, let’s take a look at the five most common ways couples disagree about money.
Common Disagreements
1. Savers Versus Spenders. Arguments often arise because Savers might appear as the responsible partner, while the Spender might appear irresponsible because he or she spends the family’s resources. But, this is not necessarily the case. A Saver, for example, can be miserly while a Spender can appropriately use the family’s finances to enjoy and make use of assets. There isn’t a right or wrong money personality. There are strengths and weaknesses to both the Saver’s and Spender’s money personality.
2. Dueling Over Debt. Many couples find themselves overextended with credit card debt. Usually, this problem results from having different perspectives on how to use credit. It’s easy to get into debt, but getting out is a long, often difficult, process. One thing is certain: debt puts an incredible amount of pressure on a couple. So, it’s no surprise that disagreements arise.
3. Risk-takers Versus Security Seekers. Another common source of disagreement about money comes from the differing perspectives on how to approach earning more money. For example, one spouse is a Risk-taker (aggressive and assertive, willing to risk money to make money) while the other spouse is a Security-seeker (conservative and cautious regarding the use of money). When these perspectives are different in spouses, it means that each spouse has a different tolerance level for taking risks with money. One spouse may say, “Go for it!” while the other spouse may say, “Hold your horses. We need to think this through.”
4. Exasperating Expectations. Couples bring all kinds of differing expectations to their marriages — and differing expectations in regard to money is no different. There may be differences in expectations regarding how much to save, how to use credit, how much money to give to charitable organizations, what finances to set aside for retirement, college funds, or taking care of elderly parents. Additionally, couples may differ on some other basic expectations, such as how much income each spouse will contribute, who will take care of the family finances, and the amount of money spouses are free to spend without consulting each other. Needless to say, where expectations differ, disagreements are often the result.
5. Flying Blind. Some spouses, and even some couples, “fly blind” when it comes to finances. They have little or no interest in keeping track of finances or simply don’t want to deal with them. When this happens, the family finances can become muddled and end up in disarray, leading to disagreements between spouses.
How to Move Toward Agreement
Regardless of your money personality, moving towards agreement is key to a healthier family financial picture and a happier marriage. Here are some simple steps to get you and your spouse on the road to agreement.
• Seek Understanding. Identify your own primary and secondary money personality. Then, identify your spouse’s primary and secondary money personality. It’s amazing what improvement can come from simply understanding yourself and your spouse. Then, be sure to give your spouse, as the Palmers call it, “space and grace.” Allow your spouse to be the person God has created him or her to be. This doesn’t mean avoiding money issues or not confronting extreme behaviors, but it does mean that we need to make sure we aren’t trying to change our spouses into carbon copies of us.
• Communicate. Disagreements over money can cause couples to withdraw and avoid talking about financial issues. So, it doesn’t matter what the state of your finances are, start talking together! Admit your own mistakes and move on. If emotions run high on a money issue, don’t press immediately. Give some space, and talk about it when feelings have calmed down. It’s never too late to start talking!
• Compromise and Balance. None of us gets everything we want in life, in marriage, or in family finances. That’s okay. Learn to compromise and seek balance with your spouse. Opposing money personalities, with a little work, can actually complement one another, and make for a healthier, happier marriage. For example, if you are a Saver, and your spouse is a Spender, and you have adequate financial resources, set aside a piece of your budget that allows your Spender some freedom to spend. Or if you are a Spender, and your spouse is a Saver, make sure that you are willing to compromise and see that your spouse’s need to save is adequately addressed.
The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. —James 5:16 [NLT]
With the divorce rate skyrocketing even among Christians, there is hope: Pray together. Dr. Dave Stoop tells us that one-tenth of one percent of couples who pray together daily will get a divorce. That incredible statistic underlies what Norman Vincent Peale, the well-known pastor from New York City, used to say: “I have never met a couple who prayed together who didn’t stay together.” Sadly, we know a great number of people who have gotten divorced for one reason or another. But we can’t think of one couple among them who said they prayed together every day.
Prayer just may be the glue that keeps a marriage strong. Yet most couples tell us that praying and growing spiritually together is the least developed part of their life as a couple. Only 4 percent of Christians couples pray together, Dr. Stoop estimates.
We want to issue a challenge to you: Pray together for your marriage each day for sixty days. If sixty days seems too long, commit to thirty. Experts say you can create a habit by simply doing the same thing over and over again for just a few weeks. Just think. If only once a day you took your spouse’s hands and simply acknowledged God’s presence in your relationship and family, if you offered Him praise, thanksgiving, and supplication, you would be doing more than most couples, and you would be working on your spiritual relationship at the same time. We aren’t being legalistic here—no one will be tracking your commitment—but we believe that regularly praying together will benefit your marriage for a lifetime.
Will there be days you don’t feel like praying? Absolutely. Especially when there is tension in the air. But often what keeps us from praying together is exactly what should draw us to prayer. For many, it’s low-level bitterness or anger or feeling a lack of respect for each other. Prayer becomes the tie that binds a couple together. Prayer inspires right priorities. And as the great church father Chrysostom wrote, prayer “is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings.” Indeed, James 4:8 expresses a beautiful promise: “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” This promise is certainly true for marriage relationships too.
We want to encourage you to take this sixty-day prayer challenge. It will take some discipline. But we agree with the wonderful prayer warrior of another generation, Corrie ten Boom, who said, “Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it.” We hope you will take this challenge.
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• What do you think keeps us from praying together?
• How has prayer affected our relationship for the better?
• How can I be more of a spiritual encouragement to you?
A STEP CLOSER:
Take the Prayer Challenge!
Will you commit to praying together for the next sixty days? Your action step is to begin right now. As Corrie ten Boom suggested, make an appointment with God.
• When is the best time?
• Where is the best place?
• How many minutes a day can we commit to this prayer challenge?
If you haven’t been able to get the man in your life to “open up” to you, today’s program is for you!
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When I speak at single parents’ groups, I am reminded of what incredible people single parents are and the extra load they carry. Parenting is tough enough with two people, let alone one.
I’d like to share with you a story from the Bible. Moses and the Israelites were battling their archenemy, the Amalekites. God instructed Moses to hold his arms up high above his head with his staff in his hand. When Moses kept his arms raised, the Israelites would begin to win the battle; when he grew tired and dropped is arms, the Amalekites would start to win the battle. Finally, as Moses stood exhausted, others came beside him and helped him hold his arms high. The Israelites ended up winning the battle because of the helpers Moses used to keep his arms held high. (See Exodus 17:8-16.)
For those of us with spouses, we have someone close who can come alongside to “hold up our arms” when life and parenting get rough. But who helps single parents with their children when they get tired or lose perspective along the way? What happens when they get discouraged and too worn out to fight some of the battles that need to be fought? We simply aren’t designed to exist outside of a loving support system. All parents–but especially single parents–need replenishing relationships for themselves and their children. You can make a huge difference for the single parent in your life! You can provide needed support and encouragement to keep her/him thriving as a person and as a parent.
Here are some ideas for helping the single parent in your life.
1. Listen. Declare yourself to be a safe resource for listening to the rants and vents of the single parent in your life. We all need safe people who will love us regardless of what we say. Many single parents need an outlet for sharing their frustrations, and you can help by being a person they can count on when they need to vent some steam.
2. Lend a Helping Hand. For many single parents, the demands of juggling a job (or jobs), home and family can be overwhelming. You can help by lending a helping hand–offering tangible help–in the everyday chores of life. For example, offer to do some grocery shopping for your friend the next time you are headed to the store, or offer to provide a ride to one of her/his kids if you are headed the same way. A little help can go a long way in making life more manageable for the single parent.
3. Include Single Parents in Activities. Inviting and including single parents in activities (church, neighborhood, community, etc.) is a great way to help prevent single parents from becoming isolated and lonely.
4. Be Available. Have an “open-door” policy with the single parent in your life. You can be a tremendous encouragement by simply being available for your friend in times of need.
5. Ease the Money Crunch Whenever Possible. Single parents often struggle to make ends meet. You can help ease the struggle through little, but meaningful, ways. For example, you can invite your friend and family over to share a meal with you on a regular basis. It may not seem like much, but relieving the need for the single parent to provide even one meal can make a difference. Other ideas would include offering babysitting, use of your clothes washer and dryer and so on.
6. Share Life Skills. Most single parents are women, and many of these are young women. Often, single parents are thrust into independent adulthood before they gain key life skills. If this is true of the single parent in your life, offer to share life skills with her/him — from learning to balance a checkbook to routine care maintenance to cooking tips.
7. Celebrate Birthdays. How often we watch our single parent friends pour themselves out for their children day in and day out. It’s not uncommon for their own birthdays to go unrecognized in the bustle of busy life, especially if their kids are still young. This is the perfect time to step in and focus on our friends, celebrating them for who they are!
Teens who use social media are exposed to a wide variety of faith and values expressions from friends and those they follow. In a culture that places high value on tolerance and acceptance, and has peers who regularly hold non-traditional beliefs and values, teenagers appear more likely to embrace a syncretic approach to their own belief systems.
One study published in the journal, Sociological Perspectives, suggested that teenagers who use social media are more likely to employ a “pick-and-choose” style for their beliefs than peers who do not use social media. Most recent estimates indicate that over nine in ten teens today have used social media. And some estimate that social media users were 50 to 80 percent more likely to be open to a variety of religious beliefs and practices. Regarding the openness of social media users, researcher Paul K. McClure, of Baylor University said, “…”all spiritual options become commodities and resources that individuals can tailor to meet their needs.”
Consequently, teens who use social media are less likely to feel beholden to the faith in which they were raised and are more likely to take bits and pieces from other religions that they find are a good fit for them personally.
What Can Parents Do?
• Engage your kids frequently in morals, values, and faith conversations. These discussions help to transfer, build, and cement your teen’s belief system. The stronger their understanding of and commitment to being a Christ-follower, the less likely she or he will “pick-and-choose” from other religious beliefs and practices.
• Make your home a safe place for your teens to talk about faith issues. Don’t belittle or lecture them during the typical adolescent season of faith development where they have a lot of questions and doubts. Walk alongside them and provide them with supportive encouragement. Take the role of a fellow-learner instead of a teacher by helping them find the answers to their questions.
• Surround your kids with plenty of healthy role models for faith. Of course, your kids are watching your example, but give them more! Let them rub shoulders with other Christ-followers — both adults and peers – who you know provide healthy examples of integrity, authenticity, and faith.
When it comes to discipline and boundaries, parents should try to stand united. When they are on the same page with discipline, boundaries, and consequences, they are halfway there. But it’s not easy. Very few parents are naturally on the same page when it comes to discipline. Maybe it’s dad who is too lenient and wants to befriend the teen and mom who has to do all the discipline. Maybe it’s the opposite. But the kids take advantage of the divided front, and the parents end up resenting one another.
The easiest way to get on the same page is to keep the goal in front of you: to build your child’s character and to help him or her become a responsible adult—not to make your child happy. Though it’s sometimes difficult, the more united you can be and the less mixed messages you send to your kids, the better off they will be. Someone once said, “I don’t know the secret of success for families, but I do know the secret of failure: trying to keep everybody happy all the time.” That really does make a difference in our parenting.
Getting on the same page means developing a philosophy of parenting that both parents can agree to. Then work the plan, stay calm, and do what you can do to stay emotionally healthy. This can be difficult for a married couple, so divorced parents trying to co-parent their children often find being united in parenting even more difficult. It is still a worthy goal. Parents could read a book together once a year or go to a parenting seminar. Counseling or family coaching could also be helpful.
It takes time, energy, and intentionality to get on the same page as your spouse, but it will strengthen your relationship and keep you from always parenting in reactive mode.
Excerpted from Jim Burn’s book, “Understanding Your Teen.”
In a landmark book, For Women Only, author Shaunti
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Pastor and author Brian Berry is convinced that “The best gift you can give your community and ministry is a healthy family.”
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Self-care is not selfish. Pastor and author Brian Berry talks about why “The best gift you can give your marriage is a healthy self.”
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Defending a traditional marriage isn’t always easy . . . but it is always worth the effort!
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Traditional marriage is under attack by the liberal elite.
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Men and women are “wired” differently. These differences sometimes lead to challenges between a husband and wife.
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The differences between men and women can sometimes lead to conflict.
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Kids between the ages of 3 and 13 are in the perfect season to really learn how to “mind their manners.”
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Too many parents are working feverishly in hopes that their children will “turn out all right.” Dr. Jim Burns talks with best-selling psychologist John Rosemond about the role that kids play in their own development!
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There are all sorts of sexual images in the media – and, unfortunately, they’re giving our kids a lot of bad information about sex and sexuality.
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Kids today are dealing with issues concerning sex and sexuality much younger than ever before.
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The only consistent thing about your teenager is . . . inconsistency.
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To many kids, spending time reading the Bible is a “spiritual requirement” – but it’s not very fun. https://homeword.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/HWJB_20220211_v1.mp3
It’s easy to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life that we forget the fact that we have a mansion waiting for us in heaven!
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If heaven is our forever home, why do so few believers know anything about it?
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When Rebecca St. James walked down the aisle to marry her future husband, she did so with a clear conscience.
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The body, mind and spirit are all designed to operate in sync with God’s plan – and that’s a message young girls need to hear today!
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Dr. Jim Burns is joined by noted author Dr. Randy Carlson about why so many marriages are suffering from a lack of proper appropriate physical touch.
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Countless marriages are suffering . . . but it’s not from a financial strain — it’s a lack of affection.
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When a young couple begins their life together as husband and wife, they usually don’t spend too much time talking about their sexual knowledge or experience. Quite frankly, they typically take this aspect of their relationship for granted — and why not? They’re young, they’re in love, and they’re married. Isn’t that the perfect recipe for passionate and fulfilling physical intimacy?
Well, the reality is that many of the more common reasons for a lack of satisfaction in this area really have nothing to do with age, marital status, or physical fitness. Just like any other aspect of the marriage union, physical intimacy can either be a functional part of the relationship or it can be a deeply meaningful form of expression. The difference lies in how much work a couple is willing to do.
Dr. Cliff Penner and his wife, Joyce, get my vote for being two of the most knowledgeable “sexual therapists” and educators. Cliff is a clinical psychologist with a M.A. in Theology and a Ph.D. from Fuller Seminary’s Graduate School of Psychology. Joyce is a registered nurse and holds a Master’s Degree in Psychosomatic Nursing and Nursing Education from UCLA. They’ve written and lectured extensively on this topic of sex education and sexual enhancement for married couples. They’ve also developed a list of what I like to call “10 Good Ways to Work at Sex.”
1. Remember that our sexuality is a gift from God. This is more than just a physical response we’re talking about here. Sexuality is part of God’s plan of creation. Our sexuality as husbands and wives has been wired-in by God. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, so embrace this gift!
2. Sexual pleasure within marriage is encouraged — and expected. If your times of physical intimacy with your spouse aren’t all you’d hoped they’d be, take the steps necessary to find out what’s not working for the two of you. No one is expecting you to have the “ultimate” sexual experience every time, but this is too important of a measure of your connectedness to ignore if there is a problem. Sex is for unity, procreation, and pleasure, so keep your priorities straight.
3. Keep “mutuality” as the central force of your “sexuality.” We are expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage; this is a mutual command (it’s not for wives only!). Each passage in the New Testament that teaches about the husband-wife sexual relationship either begins or ends with a command for mutuality. Not only are husband and wife equal in God’s sight, but they have mutual rights and responsibilities.
4. Do all you can to resolve “body image” problems. You know the drill: a husband pays his wife a compliment (“You’re beautiful”) and she doesn’t believe him. That might seem like a modest response on her part, but it actually could be a hindrance to their physical intimacy over time. Each spouse needs to bring a healthy self-image into the bedroom, or your sex lives will suffer.
5. Get to know your own body. This might sound a bit obvious, but it’s important for this reason: the vast majority of us did not receive positive, value-centered sex education from our parents. As a result, what little we actually do know about our bodies we learned in high school biology class. Understanding how your body works and what uniquely influences your sex drive will definitely improve the quality of the physical intimacy you share with your spouse.
6. Allow for “Couple Time” regularly. This may sound pretty basic, but one of the best ways to get “in the mood” for physical intimacy is to simply spend time with your spouse. This isn’t always easy with the demands of modern life — work, kids, church obligations and the like can really pack a family’s schedule. But Mom and Dad need some regularly scheduled “alone time” for just you two…so make that a priority!
7. Conserve energy. And this does not refer to using less electricity in the home! Sexual desire is a manifestation of our sex drive, so if that energy is being spent on building a new business, engaging in sports, or any other worthwhile, but time and energy-consuming, activity, your sex life may suffer as a result. Save your strength — your spouse will thank you for it!
8. Clear out distractions. This is another “basic” requirement to be sure, but the breathless pace of modern life doesn’t always make this an easy principle to follow! Very few of us can multitask all that well, and the more you “have on your mind,” the less interested you’ll be in physical intimacy with your spouse. Ruthlessly eliminate stress and distractions in your home, and your sex life has a much better chance of improving.
9. Assume responsibility. When a couple is experiencing sexual dysfunction in their relationship, it’s too easy for one spouse to blame the other for the problems. Not only is that unfair, it also demonstrates a lack of responsibility. Each spouse must assume responsibility for his or her own body and related sexual issues. It’s the only way for a couple to truly come together as one, building the kind of physical intimacy into their marriage that they each desire.
10. Have fun! If you’ve never heard or read this anywhere else, read it here — sex was created by God for the enjoyment of a man and woman in marriage. It’s supposed to be fun — so enjoy it!
Those are just a few suggestions on how to work at improving the quality of physical intimacy in your marriage. You may need to go a step further and seek professional help if needed — and, if you do need help, I hope you will. A good place to start is with the website of Clifford and Joyce Penner and Associates: www.passionatecommitment.com.
So, get to work — and have fun!
(Based on principles included in the book, The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment, by Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner.)
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 [NLT]
Our friends Scott and Jean told us an amazing love story. The hero and heroine are Scott’s parents, who have been married for over fifty years. Like everyone, they had their ups and downs in their marriage and family. And in recent years, life got really tough when Scott’s mom had to move into a nursing home because she had Alzheimer’s disease. Scott said he and Jean wanted his dad to live closer to them, but he wasn’t willing to move away from Scott’s mom.
“Does she recognize him?” we asked.
“No, but that doesn’t matter to Dad,” replied Scott, adding that she hadn’t recognized his dad for over four years.
“Does he visit her often?”
“Every single day. In fact, he has breakfast with her and feeds her from his own plate. He then cleans her up and gets her ready for her day.”
Even Scott would occasionally press his dad about why he kept up the daily visits. “He always answers with the same words: ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’”
Scott continued his parents’ love story. “She likes it when Dad sings to her. She especially likes to hear ‘Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…’ So every day before he leaves her, he sings that simple song and places the sign of the cross on her forehead.”
A love so pure, a love so complete.
At your wedding, you might have committed to vows similar to these: “I, _______, take you, ______, to be my husband/wife. I promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful wife/husband–in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in good times and hard times, with God’s grace and strength, as long as we both shall live.”
Scott’s dad recited those sacred vows over fifty years ago. And those vows are now on our bathroom mirror to remind us of that beautiful day when we committed our lives to each other. Your life, like ours, is probably a bit more complicated than when you were newlyweds. You might carry more worries of the world. But it’s good to remember the day you committed to love each other until “death do us part.”
We have never met Scott’s dad, but we are grateful to him for showing us lasting love. And we are committed to living out those vows like they were new and fresh. How about you?
FAITH CONVERSATIONS:
• Why do you think it is difficult, at times, to keep our vows?
• How would you finish this sentence? “I could better keep my vows to you by ________.”
• How would you finish this sentence? “If I could ask just one thing from you, it would be ________.”
A STEP CLOSER:
THE BIBLE’S LOVE CHAPTER
First Corinthians 13 is often called the Love Chapter. Verses 4 to 7 are particularly inspiring:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. [NLT]
Circle the words or phrases that each of you wants to work on this week. What is one action step that you will take to move from mere words to actions?
(Excerpted from Closer: 52 Devotionals to Draw Couples Together by Jim and Cathy Burns; Bethany House, 2009.)
Psychologist Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife, Barb, are known to thousands as America’s Family Coaches.
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Once, when I was a boy, I was playing in the most important baseball game of my life. I went up to bat in the last inning with the game tied and the bases loaded… and I struck out. We ended up losing the game. I cried like a baby. I didn’t want to see anyone, especially my dad. I looked up and saw him running toward me. I knew I’d failed him. But, instead of expressing his disappointment, he gave me a big bear hug and literally picked me up. Instead of anger, he had tears in his eyes and said, “Jimmy, I’m so proud of you.” My dad was never very mushy, but when I saw the tears in his eyes, I knew he loved me and that everything would be okay.
Saying “I love you” is one of the most important gifts you can give to your children. I encourage you to say it often and show them that you really mean it! While expressing your emotions verbally is needed, it is important to realize that there are other ways to communicate your love that are just as important.
I often recommend Gary Chapman’s books. In his book, The Five Love Languages, Chapman explains that we all have emotional and love “tanks.” According to Chapman, we help keep others’ tanks full by using five “love languages” that he has identified. He says that most of us have a “primary” love language, although all of them can be important for healthy relationships. If you want to succeed at expressing your love to your kids, you’ll need to identify their primary love language(s) and then do your best to communicate using those languages.
Here is a brief look at the five ways to express your love to your kids:
1. Words of affirmation. In training our children, we can tend to criticize failure. If overdone, this can create devastating consequences in adult life. Determine to praise your child for every right thing done during the next week. A minimum of two compliments a day is a good goal.
2. Quality time. Get down to your child’s level. Discover his or her interests and learn as much about him or her as possible. Be totally present, giving your child undivided attention. Make time each day to give your child (or each of your children) at least a few minutes of quality time. Make it a priority.
3. Receiving gifts. Gifts, if overdone, can become meaningless and teach a child a false set of values. But periodic gifts, thoughtfully chosen and given with affirming statements such as, “I love you, so I got a special gift for you,” can help meet a child’s need for love. The next time you buy or make your child a gift, express your love verbally as you present the gift.
4. Acts of service. Though you constantly perform acts of service for your children, the next time you complete a task especially meaningful to your child make sure that you say it means you love him or her. Pick a task that is not especially appealing to you, but is very important to your child.
5. Physical touch. Hugging, kissing and appropriate touching are very important for a child’s emotional tank. Consider the age, temperament, love language, etc., of each child and determine a unique approach in this area. When your child gets older, you will need to be sensitive, but you should still maintain a regular habit of touching for affirmation.
I think that life is too tough to go through alone! Vital friendships help to provide the support system people need to thrive in life. To raise healthy kids, parents need to help teach characteristics of true friendships so that when the inevitable storms blow through our kids’ lives–as we know they will–the encouragement of friends can provide them with the help they need to survive.
When it comes to adolescents developing romantic relationships, the value and security of developing a solid friendship first, is often overlooked. As kids begin to gain interest in relationships with the opposite sex, they are typically drawn in by physical attraction, infatuation, and even peer pressure. While these factors will always exist, too often our kids ride a tide of romantic emotion, without much concern for the basic concept of friendship. You’ll do your kids a great favor by encouraging them to develop friendships first and by giving them the necessary tools to do so.
Perhaps the most important method for teaching your kids the value of true friendships is by role-modeling what it means to be a true friend in your own relationships. If you are married, I strongly suggest that you demonstrate openly the value of your friendship with your own spouse! Remember, your kids are watching and they are very likely to learn the meaning of friendship from your example.
Here are some proven principles that that build value into friendships. Pass these along to your kids by living them out in your own friendships!
1) Good communication. Lasting friendships are built on the principles of good communication. True friends open their lives to share their thoughts and feelings with one another. Friendships that stand the test of time find a balance and don’t dominate or refuse to participate in communication.
2) Be a good listener. I’ve said this before in many different settings, but it absolutely applies to friendships: listening is the language of love. To grow lasting friendships, learn to listen well.
3) Don’t manipulate. Yes, we need friends to thrive! Yet, when need turns to manipulation, friendships die. Manipulation shows up when friends become “clingy,” when they constantly seek to be pitied, or when they attempt to control another.
4) Be humble, on equal footing. People that know it all, are never wrong, lecture, condescend, patronize, or otherwise puff themselves up at others’ expense do not easily grow lasting friendships. Growing lasting friendships is the result of humility and treating one another equally–as peers–together on the journey of life.
5) Be caring and available. If you are frequently unavailable to friends, they soon get the message that you aren’t interested in maintaining the friendship. Nothing is more important than the gift of your time and genuine concern. Showing empathy for others is a sure way to grow true friendships.
6) Be encouraging. This doesn’t mean that long-time friends never disagree or argue. It does mean, that on the whole, you affirm and support your friends through encouragement. This sends the key message that they are important and that you believe in them!
7) Don’t compare. Some comparisons are inevitable and can be healthy, but constant comparisons, such as “Oh, you have such a quaint little backyard” or “Why do you keep that old cellphone that doesn’t do anything? Mine is so much better!” quickly wear on friendships.
8) Be willing to sacrifice. A lasting friend is one that walks the extra mile and can be depended upon even when it’s inconvenient.
9) Be loyal. The Bible says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Loyalty is a key ingredient to true friendships and a trait that is sorely missing in our culture today.
10) Tell the truth. Nothing destroys friendship quicker than dishonesty. When trust is broken through the telling of lies, friendships are hard to maintain. Sometimes, telling the truth means being willing to admit your faults, or lovingly confront theirs, even when it hurts.
11) Forgive and Forget. This may be easier said than done, but lasting friendships are ones that “get-over” the hurts and offenses that are part of any relationship. If you want to grow a friendship that lasts, you must be willing to “forgive as the Lord has forgiven you” (Colossians 3:13).
Research suggests that parents’ educational aspirations can benefit or harm a child’s academic achievement.
If a parent’s expectations are realistic, children tend to do better in school. However, if the goals are unrealistic, then the child may not perform well in school.
“Our research revealed both positive and negative aspects of parents’ aspiration for their children’s academic performance. Although parental aspiration can help improve children’s academic performance, excessive parental aspiration can be poisonous,” said lead author Kou Murayama, Ph.D., of the University of Reading, whose study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Researchers found that high parental aspiration led to increased academic achievement, but only when it did not overly exceed realistic expectations. When aspiration exceeded realistic expectations, the children’s achievement decreased proportionately.
What Parents Can Do:
• Parents should set realistic expectations for their child’s academic potential and then encourage and coach them to reach that potential.
• Encourage your children to do their best, learn all they can, and do the best they can do. Intervene when they do not, and affirm them when they live up to their academic potential.
• Parents should be careful to not push their kids beyond realistic academic expectations. When kids fall short of their parents’ expectations, they feel pressure which can lead to a sense of failure, and ultimately result in lower academic performance.
• Keep in mind that you can’t push an average student into an overachiever by nagging or pushing. In fact, the more you get involved, the greater the likelihood the student will do worse, not better.
If you knew there were six steps you could follow to eliminate the risk of divorce, would you follow them?
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Contending with the “Goliaths” that come our way is the key to experiencing the Christian life to the fullest.
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The best way for us as parents to impress spiritual principles upon our children is to start living them out at home.
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As parents, we can talk all we want to our kids about how to “get to heaven.” But if they don’t understand the real reasons why they can go there, then we really haven’t done our job in teaching them the truth.
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“Filling Your Home with Faith” is a great way to pass on a spiritual legacy to your kids. https://homeword.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/HWJB_20220125_v1.mp3
One of the most important responsibilities a parent has is to pass on faith in Christ to our children.
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It’s not unreasonable to want our kids to become great adults. Dr. Jim Burns talks with noted pastor and author Chip Ingram about why such a desire is actually biblical!
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Did you know that your parenting style has a much to do with your child’s personality as it does with yours?
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So many of us parents just want to do a “normal” job of raising our kids.
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In the pages of Scripture, we read about Lazarus – but there are few if any details about what he said or how he lived. All we know is that Jesus loved him. https://homeword.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/HWJB_20220118_v1.mp3
The Bible tells us that “God is love” – but what does it mean when Jesus “loves us?” https://homeword.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/HWJB_20220117_v1.mp3
One of the key principles for establishing healthy boundaries with others is the ability to be able to confront a difficult situation in love. https://homeword.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/HWJB_20220114_v1.mp3
Most of us do not enjoy confrontation . . . but learning how to deal with it is a key to emotional, relational and spiritual growth.
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Moms who respect and admire healthy masculinity can make a boy believe he was created for future greatness!
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Boys attack life with an exhilarating exuberance. Even so, they still need parental influence to help them learn adult responsibilities.
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As a runway and print model for designers like Armani, Jennifer Strickland had the “perfect look.”
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Jennifer Strickland always dreamed of working in the “perfect world” of modeling.
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