Ahoy.: Recent Episodes
Golf Lima Lima
The beginning: my philosophical/spiritual/logical/intuitive journey; and a third battle with mom's cancer. ALL IS WELL, YET ALL ISN'T WELL.
My natal chart revealed so much, so did my therapist. What happened in my past and what is happening in my present are meant to happen. I called it even before the astrologer did... just further confirming previous realizations. I now plan to balance my beliefs in my religion, medicine and astrology; I think it can be done. A tarot reading I did for myself last night and the dream the cards gave me when I slept with them under the pillow are strong... giving me hope but also warning me about how easily I can slip if I make wrong moves, resulting to a deadly and permanent fall. In one of my tools, I was told that a person from the past may show up simply to let me realize I am no longer the person I was then, and now I know who I think they are - it is so freaky how these are spot-on. People from my ex's side... I have decided... have to stay in their corner now. I will not run away or ignore them - but I will free myself from the ties I wished bound us: the thick, sturdy ones. They can stay close, only outside of my circle. 🙏🏼
October 18, 2020 -- I am manic, still + embarrassed to admit I am upset at people who supposedly care for me showing they don't care + overwhelmed with people's love & support + torn between distrusting and isolating myself from people and letting them in
Finally home from the first cycle. I think I'm bound to get sick (85% likelihood) from all the physical, mental and emotional life stress brought about by almost every single circumstance from this year. I can't wait for November, and for the year to end. I look back to old, good times - and the last ones (the first quarter of the year). I manage by diving back into my past for ideas on what to do to relax and make me feel better... old hobbies, old interests. It's going to be a long October. And my ribs, my skeleton, after four long years... say HELLO.
I'm swamped this October. Non-stop work. Oh, yeah? I don't think I want to love anymore. Ever. For the rest of my life.
*TRIGGER WARNING - STOP READING/LISTENING if the title may trigger ANYTHING. *** We were shaken after our visit to he oncologist because she wants mom to start chemo ASAP. We thought we had more time but we don't - so everything we're doing to prepare has to be fasttracked... funny, because we has just started becoming calm. To add insult to injury, my favorite dog, Kali, died. We didn't notice, but our housekeeper noted that she seemed weak. We were just playing with her - we do our own thing for a few minutes - then just find her dead. FUCK MY LIFE
Frequent dreams about the ex + things making sense, being at peace, understanding why 2020 happened and brought all this shit into my life and my family's lives.... the equation is perfect. These things happened in the correct sequence. The universe is a genius. Life is an asshole that performs random acts of mercy. She has her Love and Justice moments.
With the anxiety attack I was having and none of my friends or family being online, and I ended up approaching one of my ex's closest friends, who happens to be tight with her parents as well, to vent about my mom's situation. - 09232020
She's not afraid to die, she's afraid of leaving her daughter... not because she's worried about me, but because she wants to stay with me. Beside me. Because it makes her happy. -09222020
The ex's younger bro's girl messaged me. Thank god I love her to death like a sister. - 09142020
I'm faced with a bigass dilemma now: how big of a sacrifice should I make (my health, aspects of my life) to save another person's life? Mine hasn't started, I've barely begun - I keep going back to square one. But I do have the rest of my life ahead of me, and they may not have much time. I've got years, options. They only have one life. I can't afford to fuck up.
I still get flashbacks the moment it gets quiet or there are no distractions. I also get flashbacks of traumatic moments from recent years, as well as memories, good and bad, that I stupidly long for. I try to get busy with my imediate action plans but they haven't worked out yet - it's all I can do for now until my folks are ready to talk to me about their health situation.
People won't stop pushing for me to make changes on my social media because my ex broke up with me. They have their own reasons. I have mine.
I'm out of Netflix shows and I need something else to take my mind off things besides binge-watching and managing this podcast channel - otherwise, sad thoughts start fucking me up.
Just so nobody's confused: I start off by talking about my dream from this morning. A bad dream now, when, back then it would be just called... a dream. The rest of the episode is just me talking about how hard the past 30 days, and especially this last week, has been for me.
My experience doing therapy, the whys and hows, lessons learned, and lessons I need to learn moving forward. IMPORTANT: my alarms sounded off repeatedly throughout this recording + a bunch of message alerts and they were LOUD AS FUCK. Might freak people out, so please be warned!
Why I haven't changed my FB profile picture and his nickname (pet name) on our messenger app - when he already has. Also: I listened back to this and noticed I repeated a lot of statements at least thrice - oh, man. Forgetful much? At least I got my message across? Hahaha.
First thoughts in the morning, less than 48 hours after the breakup - reality painfully slowly sinking in.
A revelation about my mom and the impending "talk" with the partner - as if things weren't bad enough.