Sum On Sleeve Podcast: Recent Episodes

Katharine Chan

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NEW EPISODE EVERY FRIDAY! Katharine Chan has over a decade of experience working in healthcare. She’s worked in emergency health services, mental health, women’s health, facilitating, coaching, and promoting honest conversations among healthcare leaders to enable organizational change. She’s passionate about putting words to her feelings despite growing up in a culture that hides them. She empowers others by teaching them how to love themselves, embracing their culture and improving relationships

All of us know at least a dozen people who do not share all of our beliefs. With over 7 billion of us, there is bound to be conflict. I can agree to disagree on topics like the correct way of hanging toilet paper or whether pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping (it is, btw).

The bottom line is that if the point of contention isn’t something close to my heart, I’m not going to fight over it. I don’t like camping, drinking, online shopping, watching sports or doing anything in the snow. I don’t care if you do and won’t bat an eye if you try to convince me otherwise.

But I can’t stand being around a person who has beliefs that I used to hold. I’ve spent years unlearning and shedding them through painful experiences, growth and adversity. So when I interact with someone who has these old beliefs, I can’t help but feel haunted. Then I’m angry at myself for letting something that I thought I’d grown from affect me.

I’m a recovering perfectionist who is trying to accept her flaws and own her shortcomings. Perfectionism is in my blood; I get upset when I’m not good at embracing my imperfections. It’s like, “Why can’t I be good at forgiving myself? Letting go? Accepting mistakes? Treating myself with compassion?”

In my head, I know certain thoughts and beliefs don’t serve me, that I’ve evolved from my past self. But in my heart, I start questioning how far I’ve actually come. Perhaps I haven’t changed? Perhaps my transformation is back to square one? Perhaps these beliefs still hold me under, drowning me in a sea of insecurities and poor self-esteem.

So I’m writing down a list of old beliefs that I’ve learned to detach from over the past decade. Bringing these to the surface and exposing them to you and the world gives me something tangible to revisit and validate my efforts. Also, reading these out loud makes them seem ridiculous…almost to the brink of satire.

P.S. Check out my new personal growth toolkit! 50 Shadow Work Prompts: A Journal to Uncover Your Hidden Psyche

So Readers, let me know if any of these haunt you as they haunt me.

Listening is a life skill. Everyone knows that.

We’ve all seen self-help gurus, thought leaders, TED talks, psychologists and the latest news and research share how we should all be listening more than we speak…especially in a society where attention is scarce and distractions are plentiful. Everything seems to be TL;DR.

Listening skills are crucial for developing strong relationships. I mean it’s hard to make friends when you don’t know anything about them. If all you can hear is your voice throughout your interactions, you don’t have a friend…you have a sounding board.

If you told your partner your deepest darkest secret and they didn’t listen…how would you feel?

Or what if you explicitly tell them that you were deathly allergic to shellfish Then they take you to an all-you-can-eat shrimp fest for your birthday…wouldn’t you be inclined to leave them? Or perhaps watching all those true crime documentaries would have you wondering if they might be plotting your murder?

Listening skills are crucial for work. For instance, if all a teacher did was preach and lecture, how would they know their students are learning? If you didn’t listen to a client’s specifications and needs, how well would your business be?

Do you know what can ruin your day? When the waitress doesn’t listen to your order and adds a prawn chowder to your meal.

But the problem is...

So Listeners, are you a good listener? Do you ever feel burdened by your superpower?

Need help processing emotions and writing down your thoughts? Check out my 60 Feelings to Feel: A Journal To Identify Your Emotions

Do you know how when you get some bad news, you kinda want to deny it and move on?

One of my biggest clients cut back on their work for me. Then shortly after, another client had budget cuts and told me they no longer needed freelance writers.

So I’ve been trying to find new work.

Have you ever had to bounce back from a setback in your business? What were some things that help you shift your focus?

Need ideas to write about? Check out my 60 Feelings to Feel: A Journal To Identify Your Emotions

Full Transcript here

When we accomplish a goal, reach a dream, or win a fortune…how do our past and conditions affect the way we share that type of information?

Recently, I’ve been pondering about how we decide to share the good news we have in our lives. From inflation, global warming, an ongoing war and of course, that pesky pandemic we’re still trudging through…the world seems rather quite bleak right now. Good news can uplift others, inspire and even create more kindness in the world.

But for me, when something good happens, I’m reluctant to scream it out loud at the top of my lungs.

Full Transcript here

It’s been almost six months since I left my 9–5 job to become a freelance writer. Here are a few things I’ve experienced so far:

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The most common and basic rule about being a successful writer is to keep writing. But since starting my freelance writing journey, my desire to write for pay has slowly taken over my desire to write for pleasure.

Before freelancing, I would sit in front of my laptop and write and write until I ran out of time. Like my son would wake up or I would need to get dinner started. Time would fly by because my writing was merely a hobby.

I wasn’t being asked to write an article because I wanted money for it. I was writing for the sake of writing, putting thoughts and feelings down so that I had an outlet to express myself. I was pumping articles out left, right and centre. I didn’t care about how much time I was spending on writing because I wasn’t worried about the dollar amount tied to it.

Now, since I started making some money doing this, I feel like I only want to write when I’m getting paid to do it.

Full Transcript Here

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my old dreams so I wrote an entire list that I’ve given up on despite thinking they’ll make me happy. Through that reflection exercise, I realized there are some old ones I’d like to revisit and some new ones I’d like to pursue.

Here are 8 Dreams I’m Holding Onto For Now

Never say never…Full Transcript here

Everyone talks about how we need to keep dreaming, set goals, aim high and work hard. Because if you work hard enough, any dream is possible.

Bleh…I don’t think that provides the full picture. Don’t get me wrong, I love to dream, not only when I’m sleeping. I love visualizing the future of what may be.

What will a year from now look like? 5 years? 10 years? 20? 30?

Where will my new freelance endeavour take me?

Will I become rich and famous and get to meet Oprah?

Will space travel really be affordable and I’ll get to be an astronaut?

What will my kids be interested in as careers?

What will life look like when I’m an empty nester?

It keeps me hopeful and gives me something to look forward to whenever I have to wrestle with my toddler son to put his pants on as his shitty diaper flies across the living room and I’m exhausted from the sleepless night before.

But what people don’t talk about is when goals don’t work out and dreams don’t come true. Not because they didn’t try hard enough or because they gave up too soon…but because it wasn’t the right dream, to begin with.

However, they needed to go through that process of setting the goal, being hopeful and ambitious and then slowly realizing that’s not exactly what they want.

Full transcript here

When I was on maternity with my first child, the monotony of routine allowed me to rediscover my passion for writing. As a kid, I wrote stories upon stories, from true, and untrue, to never being told to. It was a way for me to express myself by making those irrational thoughts into concise words and sentences, especially during that rollercoaster journey of becoming a new mother.

This rediscovery has sparked a career shift, aspiring me to become a writer, a dream I never thought I would pursue. So I started thinking about what other dreams I had as a kid and whether any of them would be something I’d like to pursue today.

So here is a list of 8 dreams I had as a kid that I’ve given up on and why.

Full transcript here

There are three of us: my eldest sister, my middle sister and me. The relationship I have with my eldest sister is like a snow globe; it stays dormant for most of the year but gets shaken up during the holidays.

My childhood memories of her are patchy, most of which were of her babysitting me and holding my hand while we crossed the street. By the time I started kindergarten, she was a pre-teen thinking about what career she wanted to pursue after high school. I was learning my ABCs.

View/Read the full transcript here

Becky Choi (Tummy Warrior™️)

“Follow your heart and have a big vision.”

Becky Choi is a Certified Postpartum Corrective Exercise Specialist, and the founder of Tummy Warrior diastasis recti coaching program. Becky is a mom of 2 little ones with a passion for diastasis recti (DR) as she experienced severe DR twice. She helps moms heal their diastasis recti, strengthen their core and improve their health and fitness.

She has been featured on Toronto Sun, CTV, Yahoo Finance and Amazon Kindle. Becky is the author of Diastasis Recti Secrets for New Moms: Proven Methods and Postpartum Exercises for Healing Core Weakness and Weight loss.

Here’s what Becky had to say:

“The biggest challenge, in the beginning, was that I just didn’t know what I really needed to do. I had to figure everything out by myself, know that it will work out and have faith and belief that it will work out for me.

At the time, I only had 100 people following me but everyone starts like that in the beginning. It was hard to grow my social following and juggle my business as a mom. I had to take care of my baby, learn how to run my business and keep working on my fitness recovery journey. How was I going to divide my time to do all these things?

The mindset is very important to your success. You have to think about your vision, destination and what you really want. Don’t aim for something small because it you aim too small, it will take the same amount of effort to reach something big. You might as well as have a big vision because it will pull you and give you enough motivation to keep working on this.

You have to have passion for what you do. If you don’t have passion for what you teach or create and you’re just trying to make money as a goal…it will be very difficult for you to sustain. You might as well get a part-time job.

You have to find something you love and you really think it will be impactful for other people and change their lives. Follow your heart and have a big vision and believe! Right now, all the dots are all over the place but it will straighten out as you walk through these trenches. You will connect these dots in the future. It might be messy but have faith and do lots of mindset work.”

In this episode, Authentic Energy founder and Body Confidence Coach Jing Fang and I have an open and honest conversation about how our culture affected how we view our bodies. We dive deep into our postpartum journeys and how challenging it was to see our bodies change after pregnancy.

We compare East Asian media with Western media and how each has a different lens of body image.

We share stories about how our family influenced the way we want to portray ourselves and the shame and honour expectations.

Join us for a heartfelt, casual and inspiring conversation that will help you realize how much our environment affects our body confidence.

Connect with Jing:

♥ INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/AuthenticEnergy

♥ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/AuthenticEnergy

♥ FACEBOOK GROUP: https://www.facebook.com/groups/bodyconfidencebuilders

♥ WEBSITE: https://www.authenticenergy.co

After our wedding, I started wearing both my wedding band and the engagement ring. It felt very official like I’m a married woman now. Every morning, like clockwork, I would pop them on my finger before heading for work. I would be typing an email and then I’d look down at my hands and be in awe of my new status.

For years I wore them whenever I went out. I kept wearing them throughout both my pregnancies. But then the pandemic hit and I stopped.

Full Transcript: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/09/how-the-pandemic-made-me-stop-wearing-my-wedding-ring-3-minute-read.html

As I entered relationships and became sexually active, I would keep a tally of my partner’s good and bad behaviours. For instance, if my partner did something that made me happy, I would be more inclined to have sex because I felt he deserved it. And if he did something that upset me, I would be less inclined because I felt he didn’t deserve it.

Sex became a reward and withholding it became a punishment, creating a power imbalance in the relationship. Unknowingly, I was objectifying my body by using sex as a weapon to get what I want.

This continued throughout my relationships and into my marriage.

“He’s been good all week so I guess we’ll do it.”

But then something interesting happened that changed the way I viewed sex.

Full Transcript: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/08/how-i-stopped-using-sex-as-a-weapon-when-we-started-trying-for-a-baby-5-minute-read.html

As I finished school and became a young adult, I noticed many non-Asian peers go on self-discovery journeys.

From travelling the world, exposing themselves to different cultures, jumping from job to job, attending personal development seminars, getting (and becoming) life coaches to reading self-improvement books, they were working on themselves to define who they are.

Their value for personal identity put them in pursuit of purpose and meaning while mine led me down a path of further education and a stable job with a healthy pension.

I couldn’t relate. I was told who I was since the day I was born. I didn’t need to find myself. What I struggled with was finding who I wanted to be.

The self-improvement work I needed to do was to create a balance between the collectivist instincts instilled through my upbringing and the individualistic urges influenced by my environment. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. But the traits of each culture conflicted with one another and pulled my identity apart.

When I became a mother, it challenged me to take a stance. Now that I’m in my parents’ position…what do I want to preserve for the next generation? What values, beliefs and priorities do I want to instill in my kids? How certain am I that who I am is who I want to be?

Full Transcript: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/08/as-an-asian-woman-self-work-means-creating-balance-between-collectivistic-instincts-and-individualistic-urges-7-minute-read.html

I turned 36 earlier this year. It was a simple celebration with my husband, our kids and a very decadent chocolate cake from Whole Foods. It was perfect.

As I made my wish and blew out the single, pink candle, I realized my life had changed quite a bit in the past 5 years. I no longer try to impress people I didn’t care about. I declined events I know I won’t enjoy. Lastly, I stopped spending money on things that didn’t matter to me like new clothes, make-up, heels and drinks.

Instead, with the busyness of motherhood, I’ve started investing more time and effort in cultivating deeper relationships with loved ones. I re-discovered my old hobbies and pastimes like writing, baking and shooting hoops. Lastly, I started spending more money on things I never thought I would. Growing up was about feeling comfortable in my skin. Getting older is about living a life of meaning.

Full Transcript here: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/08/5-things-i-started-spending-more-money-on-when-i-hit-my-30s-3-minute-read.html

One of the toughest and daunting parts of being a freelance writer is finding work. As an introvert with a touch of social awkwardness, asking people to hire me isn’t exactly my forte.

However, I’m 3 months into my freelance writing journey and so far, getting clients hasn’t been too much of a headache. Here’s how I landed my first clients without getting too far outside my comfort zone.

Full Transcript here

I turned 35 this year and as I reflect on all those years of adulthood, I realized how much money I frivolously spent on things I didn’t care about. Maybe if I didn’t spend that, I would be a millionaire by now?

You know, if I had taken every penny I earned from my part-time job in high school and invested it into Google in 2004 (the year I turned 18 and when it IPO’ed), I would be laughing right now.

However, it doesn’t mean I regret spending that money because my 20’s were a time of discovery and experimentation; succumbing to social pressures and trying to prove myself for external validation were parts of being a young adult.

As I grew up, my lifestyle just naturally shifted and I became more true to myself. My spending reflected that transition. Here are 5 things I’ve stopped spending a lot of money on when I hit my 30’s.

Full Transcript here

I value getting paid for my work, not for the time I spend at work I have a plan to leave my 9–5 I made a decision earlier this year to start freelancing so that I could leave my 9–5 and focus my time doing what I love. So in the last two months, I’ve been side hustling like there’s no tomorrow.

As I continue this adventure, I’ve realized why freelance writing aligns more with who I am, my values, beliefs, lifestyle and priorities than being an employee. Here’s why.

Full Transcript Here

In my late 20’s, I ended an 8-year long relationship. As part of my healing and recovery, I started digging deep into myself about my toxic habits and behaviours. With less time focused on trying to resuscitate a failing relationship, my mind freed up space to dedicate to myself. I realized how terribly I was treating myself.

It’s an ongoing journey but one of the most important insights I discovered about myself is that in order to be happy, I needed to focus my attention on how I was feeling. Eating well and exercising regularly is not about looking good; it’s about feeling good.

What I look like is the least of my concerns if I’m not happy. Putting my mindset on the right path allowed me to truly appreciate my body where weight loss isn’t the goal but a by-product of the journey.

Here are 5 reasons I exercise and eat well that aren’t related to how I look:

Full Transcript here:

Although I’ve been blogging since 2017, I only officially started my freelance writing journey a little over 2 months ago. I’ve dibbled and dabbled with selling books and courses but the amount of money I was making just wasn’t enough for me to leave my 9–5. But most importantly, it was leading me down a path that didn’t align with my passion for writing.

When I made the decision to start freelancing, the first thing I had to do was realistically figure out my rate.

Opposing opinions and methods So I Googled “freelance writer rates”. I read every article on the first page of the search results. I mean, who even looks at the second page right? Anyway, I got a slew of opposing opinions and methods.

From charging per word, per page, per hour to the type of work, it was confusing for someone who was just starting out but had been working professionally for over 15 years.

Do I charge as a newbie? Or as an experienced writer? Or somewhere in between?

The range is so wide, it’s almost impossible to choose a rate that I thought was reasonable.

Where do I even start?

Full Transcript: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/06/how-i-realistically-figured-out-my-freelance-writing-rate-5-minute-read.html

Two months have flown by After debunking some serious misconceptions about freelance writing, I started my journey with zero expectations. I don’t regret it for a second as the last 2 months have flown by.

I am doing this as a side gig in addition to my 9–5. Those additional hours have proved to be more rewarding and more meaningful than the 8 that I spend in the office, zoning out in meetings, writing arduous emails, doing small talk with coworkers and eating my lunch at my desk.

I have a firm plan to leave my job so I can pursue this full-time. I’m excited to continue sharing my journey with you, my avid readers, fellow writers and supporters.

Full transcript: https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/06/how-i-made-3525-71-in-my-first-two-months-as-a-freelance-writer-5-minute-read.html

Growing up, I struggled to love myself. From social pressures, the media to overly critical family members who constantly compared me to my skinnier peers, I never felt like my body was good enough.

I went on my first diet when I was 8 years old. My plan was to skip breakfast, eat half my lunch and only vegetables for dinner. I failed miserably.

Then as I entered my teen years, I developed an eating disorder that consisted of dangerously restrictive diets, bingeing and purging and extreme workouts. In my young adult years, it became chasing the latest fad diet and buying anything to lose weight. I hated my body and I didn’t know how to love myself from the inside out.

It wasn’t until my late 20’s when I started my recovery journey, completely shifting my mindset and changing how I viewed myself. I stopped yo-yo dieting, emotionally eating, using exercise as punishment whenever I ate a donut and no longer cared about other peoples’ opinions.

Looking back, the part that was driving my desperate desire to lose weight was based on a lack of understanding and awareness about body positivity. This concept didn’t exist during my vulnerable years of adolescence. Without being properly informed, I filled in the gaps with toxic beliefs to feel good in my skin. Here are 3 myths about body positivity that I used to believe in.

Full Transcript here

I never thought I would be a freelance writer When I first started blogging in 2017, I had no idea where it was going to lead me. I was a new mom who was working her 9–5 and trying to find some balance at home. Writing became my source of reason and means of therapy.

Jump forward 3 years later and I’m at home on my second maternity leave, changing my son’s poopy diapers. I knew I was going back to my 9–5 but I also knew I didn’t want to do that forever. I wanted to figure out how to turn this hobby into a dream career.

Full Transcript here

After having a fight with my husband in front of our kids, I wasn’t able to do what my daughter wanted me to. I felt like I was repeating my parents’ behaviour but this incident inspires me to keep trying to be a better person.

Full Transcript Here

Experiencing new cultures and immersing myself in the day-to-day life of people who grew up in a different environment than me is one of my favourite ways to learn and grow. Travelling helps boost my creativity, practice empathy and broadens my horizons.

And when I return home, finishing the adventure allows me to truly appreciate where I live and practice gratitude for the simplest things I have.

But would I do it as a way of life? Like the growing number of digital nomads who work and live remotely in faraway lands?

Nope. Why?

https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/06/why-i-wouldnt-want-to-live-the-digital-nomad-lifestyle-5-minute-read.html

Disclaimer: This article is not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual or on any specific security or investment product. I’m only sharing what worked for me and my opinions. I highly recommended you seek professional advice from someone who is authorized to provide investment advice.

I started with $5000 as an experiment to make $100. How I made $3500 trading stocks with no finance background.

https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/04/how-i-made-3-590-11-by-trading-stocks-in-2-years-with-no-investing-experience-8-minute-read.html

When I first started blogging, I had no idea who was going to read my stuff. It was a space for me to express myself, put feelings into words and make sense of what was going on for me as a mom.

4 years later, I’ve had distant family members, anonymous strangers, friends of friends, folks I used to go to school with, and old coworkers reach out to me, praising me for what I’ve written. It’s amazing how the power of the Internet and my affinity for words can connect folks across the world from all walks of life.

As part of this writing journey, I’ve noticed that most of the folks who have reached out are higher up on the six degrees of separation. Those who are close to me don’t say much and I actually prefer to keep it that way.

https://sumonsleeve.com/2021/04/why-i-dont-expect-my-friends-and-family-to-read-what-i-write-4-minute-read.html

Why not both? I wish this meant I could have both soft and hard tacos but instead it’s experiencing both sexism and racism as an Asian woman. It’s like if I’m not being discriminated against for being a woman, then I’m being discriminated against for being an Asian.

And if it’s not that, there’s a third category where race and gender come together into a mixed bag of shit, from subtle to blatant, the worst of both worlds. And that needs to die.

So here are 9 Asian female stereotypes that need to die:

I used to believe I needed to scrub clean of my past and start fresh every time I stepped into a new relationship. So when I first started dating my husband, I told him I didn’t want to talk about my past relationships. The past is the past right?

However, I’ve realized the experience and wisdom I gained from being with my exes have not only helped my marriage but taught me so much about myself. Here are 5 valuable life lessons I learned from my exes.

I knew I had experienced racism, from being made fun of how I look and what I ate to having someone shout ‘ching chong’ at me while they drove by. Those acts were blatant and obvious.

However, microaggressions are, to say the least, micro. They happen so subtly that after each incident, I would feel confused, unable to pinpoint what I had experienced and what I felt about it.

I didn’t know I was being discriminated against for being Asian because it was unintentional and/or indirect. In addition, the person discriminating against me didn’t know that’s what they were doing.

We don’t know what we don’t know.

That is until now. So here are 9 examples of microaggression I’ve experienced as an Asian.

I was really against using screens at mealtime because of everything I know about distracted eating. It prevents them from listening to their bodies, enables unnecessary snacking between meals, and increases their risk of obesity later in life; using screens at mealtimes seems to do more harm than good.

In addition, I’ve personally struggled with emotional eating most of my life and battled an eating disorder when I was a teenager. It wasn’t until my late 20’s when I started treating my body right. Learning to eat mindfully, listening to my body’s hunger and full cues and appreciating food instead of viewing it as an enemy was a significant part of my recovery.

And I want my kids to learn to self-regulate how much they need to eat early on so that they don’t go through what I went through.

But then, one day, in a fit of frustration while struggling to feed my son scrambled eggs, my husband turned the TV on, flipped it to a Cantonese episode of Peppa Pig and within seconds, there were silence and stillness.

Growing up with two older sisters wasn’t easy. From always getting hand-me-down clothes, toys and shoes, playing catch up because I was “never old enough”, having a fraction of the baby pictures that my sisters had, to being called the wrong name too many times to count, being the youngest had its challenges.

Over the years, I’ve realized that although those experiences shaped a part of who I am, they didn’t define my life. My identity is the cumulation of different experiences, not just my experience as the youngest in my family. Like with all psych theories and personality types, it’s never one-size-fits-all. I’m unique, just like everyone else.

Therefore, here are 5 stereotypes about being the youngest child that aren’t true for me:

From books, calendars, watches, radios, CD players, pedometers, cameras to GPS, the phone has replaced so many things in our lives. It’s incredibly difficult to avoid using our phones. I even use the camera as a mirror sometimes. Therefore, instead of criticizing this mom’s behaviour, I came up with a list of things moms do on their phones when they’re watching their kids.

This was my first taste of my kid keeping something from me because they were scared of my reaction. There will be many more to come as they grow up. I don’t expect the conversations to happen like this every time, especially when they reach the tricky teenage years.

However, I’m going to keep in mind that sometimes, sitting silently with my child gives them the time and space to find their voice. If I wait long enough, suppressing my urge to lecture and discipline, being present, listening without judgment, they might just share that voice with me. And that’s how trust is built.

I’ve discovered something about myself when I procrastinate. I delay things because I’m not scared of the consequences. The immediate gratification of looking at one more cat meme seems like a higher priority than typing up this article. I have rose-coloured glasses that make me feel invincible to the looming chaos.

I realized I need a sense of fear with meaningful and scary consequences that will light a fire under my ass to get me started. It’s kinda like that show Beyond Scared Straight* but instead of having inmates (or in my case, unsuccessful writers who failed miserably because they kept procrastinating) scare me, I’m using my deepest fears to motivate me to work on my goals. Because the best person to hold you accountable is yourself.

So without procrastinating any further, here’s how I use my fears to stop procrastinating.

To take or not to take…

“Do or do not. There is no try.”

-Yoda

Actually, nowadays, a couple has options when they get married. They can do the hyphen thing. The husband can take the wife’s name. They can change their last name completely by combining their favourite hobbies and becoming The Gardenknits.

Therefore, a woman taking her husband’s name is no longer the social norm. But for most of my life, I believed that was the only option.

When I got married, I was planning to take my husband's name. It's a tradition I thought I valued. But then as time went by, I changed my mind.

A writer’s dilemma The quality versus quantity debate is what tears a writer apart. You want to write a ton but you’re afraid the more you write and faster you get, the quality of your writing declines.

So what should you focus on?

After giving birth, a mother's body doesn't just magically go back to the way it was. How did I manage to lose the baby weight after 2 kids? Here are 4 habits I adopted.

See: How to Cook So You’ll Actually Eat at Home

See: 5 Food and Cooking Hacks That I Forgot My Mom Taught Me

Can you make money with self-published books?

It’s been over a year since I self-published 3 books, one about brutally honest dating advice, another about how to deal with Asian parents and lastly, one about how to have a healthy marriage.

Here are 4 lessons that I learned:

My husband made a career change about 3 years ago. He’s a Chartered Accountant by trade but real estate has been his passion for years. It was one of the reasons we fell in love as we both love Vancouver. When he took the plunge, we had a 2-year-old and was working on expanding our family.

The change affected our marriage, family dynamics, schedules and everything in between. I expected things to be different but there were some things no one told me about.

People-pleasing = low self-esteem From always saying yes, breaking promises with ourselves, sacrificing our values to help someone out, enabling toxic behaviours, keeping silent to prevent hurting someone’s feelings even though they’ve hurt ours, being inauthentic about our true feelings to siding with the majority when we completely disagreed, people-pleasing behaviours come in all forms.

When I reflect back on my life, I’ve had my fair share of trying to get people to like me. Starting in my teen years, it was about doing anything to rise up in the ranks of the high school hierarchy. As one of the few Asian kids in a predominately Caucasian school, I desperately wanted to fit in, to be cool, seeking approval from the popular kids.

Then came the young adult years when it was about having the coolest gadgets, wearing the latest fashion trends, going to the newest restaurants, gossiping, spending frivolously, creating drama, drinking like a fish, and of course, getting attention from men. I cared more about what others thought than what I thought. I valued their opinion of me more than my own. Deep down inside, what I lacked was self-esteem.

Now married with 2 kids and comfortably settled in her mid-30’s, I’ve stopped trying to be someone else, embracing my authentic self and coming into my own. Here are 5

I've written on Medium for years and I never thought my partner earnings would increase to the 3 digits. Here are the 3 things I did to reach this.

Humble beginnings with zero expectations I’ve been writing on Medium for over 3 years. At first, it started as just another avenue to get folks to read my stuff. I published here and there, not thinking much would happen. I rarely logged in and when I did, I would basically dump a bunch of old blog posts, schedule them out throughout the month and didn’t bother to check who’s read what. I’m a mom of 2 who works full-time so this was merely a place to express myself with zero expectations to make money from this.

Then in July 2019, I was about to hit publish when the platform asked if I wanted to join their Medium Partner Program. I read through what it was and clicked yes. I didn’t think much of it until about a year ago when I published an article titled, “Why People Are Overly Critical And How To Deal With Them.” It was a hit relative to my other pieces.

After that, I started to see a tiny bit of money come in consistently each month; I’m talking enough to buy myself a couple of cups of coffee type of cash. This was the first time I had ever made money doing what I love, writing personal stories and lessons learned to empower folks to talk about their feelings despite growing up in a culture that hid them. I even wrote a short article about what happened when I told my Asian parents about this and how unimpressed they were.

By the time I started making double digits per month, I almost had 100 articles published on Medium. That was when I decided to do three things to see if I could increase my monthly earnings. And boy I was surprised to see what happened.

I've heard the stories of wives praising their husbands for surprising them with a break from their kids. However, a break wasn't what I wanted.

I thought I wanted the surprise I’ve heard the stories of women praising their husbands for surprising them with a day off, taking the kids out and giving their wives a much-deserved break. It’s like that joke about what mothers really want on Mother’s Day: a day to not be a mother, to do whatever they want without the kids.

When I hear these stories, I can sense my blood turn green as envy courses through my veins. This type of surprise sounds like what I need, want and deserve.

How come my husband hadn’t done that for me yet?

As a writer, it sucks when you get that email saying your article, proposal, or idea wasn't accepted. How do I deal with the rejection so that I can quickly move on and keep writing?

You’ve probably heard the wise saying,

“It’s not a rejection; it’s a redirection.”

Okay, sure but it still sucks when you get that email saying your article, proposal, or idea wasn’t accepted. Over 20 different publications have rejected my articles and yet I keep submitting them. The first time my article wasn’t accepted felt the worst but every rejection after that has stung a little less.

It takes a bit of time for me to reel from the burn before I can move forward; however, after experiencing so much rejection, that recovery time has decreased from a couple of hours to mere seconds. When I get that rejection message, here’s exactly what I do to manage my emotions, change my mindset so I can quickly move on.

Leaving dishes in the sink, socks on the floor, hairs in the shower. How can a couple stop fighting about cleaning and household chores without hiring a cleaner? 6 years and 2 kids later, our system still works.

There are dirty dishes in the sink, building crud-like plaque on teeth that haven’t been brushed for months. The bathroom floor is hairier than Austin Powers’ chest. The basket of laundry sits in the hallway, collecting more dust than a CD player.

What do you do? How do you feel? Who was supposed to do what?

Does resentment build? Is turning a blind eye part of the game?

What motivates us to want to write? It's about asking ourselves tough questions. What does motivation mean to me? Why do I want to write?

A writer’s block, burnout, and a lack of creativity are just some of the common struggles a writer experiences during the week. Pile on some rejection (from clients, publications, a mean troll), no one reading our stuff and a fear of putting ourselves out there again, it’s no wonder writers find it tough to keep going.

However, we pick ourselves up again and again, trudging along that writer’s path, discovering moments of creativity, bursts of inspiration, stories of greatness and at times, lulls of mediocrity.

I recently wrote a post where I detailed what happened when I published 25 articles in one month (and accepted by publications). One of the readers prefaced her question with “Ooooh, deep question” and asked,

“What motivates us to want to write?”

Deep indeed. I wrote back, telling her that I’ll need some time to think about it and thanking her for giving me an idea to write about.

It can seem daunting to submit to publications. Will they accept or reject? Either way, it's a valuable lesson that's made me a better writer.

Self-publishing is rewarding but… I’ve been blogging since 2017 and it’s been quite the experience to put words onto digital paper, sharing my personal stories and insight. From keeping a diary to entering short story contests during grade school, writing has been in my blood since I could remember.

Owning a website where I can freely create as I please, no holds barred, is incredibly rewarding. Self-publishing allows me to write, record, film whatever floats my boat and deliver it to the world with the quick press of a button. Anyone with an Internet connection can read, watch and listen to my content.

As an Asian female, I’m grateful I live in a country (Canada) and grew up during a time where I have the opportunity to do this without having to jump through hoops or cross any red tape. I feel empowered to have a voice in this world even if only 1 out of the 7.8 billion people hear me.

But what if the rest of the 7.8 billion people also want to listen but can’t find me?

From kindergarten to university, I spent over half my life in school. Do I regret my decision? Was it a waste of time or time well wasted? It's about seeing the life skills I acquired from years of study.

I didn’t enjoy school Don’t get me wrong, going to school wasn’t a pleasurable experience for me. I wrote an entire article about how I hated it even though I was good at it and concluded that doing well at something doesn’t mean you enjoy it.

From depression, anxiety, self-harm and an eating disorder, I was a mess. Being unpopular, having few friends, acne, braces, and glasses were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to those teen years.

The part I hated the most about school was the exams. They required me to study, memorize, remember and then regurgitate silently in an enclosed space under a time constraint with dozens of other angsty beings. Talk about anxiety-inducing situations!

Often, 50% of my grade would depend on one exam that took an hour to complete but several weeks to prepare for. The pressure to perform weighed down on me more than the weight of the world on Atlas’ shoulders.

However, like many Asian kids, I trudged along, finishing high school with scholarships to University and furthering my studies at Grad School. So in total, I’ve spent about 20 years of my life in school which accounts for over half my life.

As a working mom, the days are long and hard. Here's my story of how one missed call reminded me that it's all worth it. Sometimes thinking about the scary stuff makes the hard days easier.

It’s a Wednesday afternoon. I just finished drafting up an article when my son wakes up crying from his nap. I carry him downstairs and we start our mother and son dance party. He’s 1 so it’s more like I dance and he wanders around the carpet while I try not to step on him.

I press play on my favourite BTS dance workout and we start bopping around like silly monkeys. Every so often, I’ll have to press pause to pick him up from the dangerous part of the room with the cords and outlets and put him back to his designated corner with the colourful foamy playmat and mountains of plastic toys.

Just some additional deadlifts and bicep curls eh?

My husband comes up from the basement to watch my son while I continue working out. I’m almost finished when YouTube decides to run an ad before the last song. I glance at my phone and I have a missed call from my doctor.

The ad ends and I resume my workout. Thoughts begin to run wild as I try to focus on mimicking the instructor’s graceful movements while my arms flail frantically and my feet stumble awkwardly.

I took the challenge of writing 25 articles and getting them accepted by publications on Medium. Here's what happened. Increased traffic? Yes but so much more than that.

I was embarrassed to call myself a writer Around mid-November, I read an article about how a writer was able to make 4K a month writing on Medium. I was astonished. I had been writing for most of my life and barely made a fraction of that in months.

Of course, the article was well-written, straight to the point and its takeaways slapped me in the face like bugs on a windshield during a road trip across the prairies; I wasn’t writing enough, not even close to what the writer was talking about. And honestly, I was embarrassed to call myself a writer given how “little” writing I was actually doing.

I was pumping out 2 articles a week, 2 videos and 1 podcast. She wrote an article every day. Every single day, whether she felt like it or not, nothing else. No social media. No nonsense. No distractions. Purely writing. That sounded like bliss. And it led to an aha moment.

Does cooking at home mean using only healthy ingredients? How to cook delicious meals you'll actually eat and look forward to leftovers. Because why make something you won't want to eat?

Tasteless food isn’t tasty Imagine this. It’s a weeknight. You just finished work and you’re starving. There are leftovers in the fridge. It’s dried chicken breast, bland steamed broccoli and a container of plain brown rice. You’ve been trying to eat more at home because it’s better for your pocket and your waistline.

Even though you’re ravenous, it doesn’t appeal to you. You pick up the phone and order from your favourite pizza place. 20 minutes later and you’re sitting on the couch, one hand on the remote and another stuffing your face with that cheesy pie goodness.

You end up throwing out the leftovers and starting fresh when you go grocery shopping. All that wasted food, money and effort makes me want to cry not just because I’m a frugal Asian mom but because I’m a huge foodie.

Mothers are often hard on themselves and feel like they're not good enough. Here's what to do when you feel like an inadequate parent. Dropping the ball and picking it back up.

Obviously, I know there’s no such thing as a perfect mom In my home, socks are unmatched. The laundry is dirty. Cheese sandwiches can be dinner. There days that are spent indoors even though the sun begs us to come outside.

I talk about my ongoing recovery as a perfectionist. I write articles about how it’s okay to swear in front of our kids and why it’s okay if we aren’t always present with our kids. I’ve shared stories about how I’ve broken down, yelled at my kids, didn’t bathe them for days, let them have ample screen time, rewarded them with food even though I am prone to emotional eating.

I post countless social media posts about how we need to stop striving to be supermoms. I’m the one who tells other moms that it’ll all work out somehow, that loving them unconditionally and supporting them with the best of our abilities is what matters. I surround myself with positive vibes. I follow, read and consume fellow moms bloggers who believe the same thing.

That idea that I’m not hard on myself was what I lived and breathed. Then came the day where it all came crumbling down.

Parents are not good or evil, heroes or villains. Seeing them as humans let us practice empathy and compassion for others and ourselves.

“Respect your parents! They did so much for you.” As the author of the book “How To Deal With Asian Parents”, it’s obvious I’ve struggled with the relationship I have with my parents. ⁣

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With that, folks often send me comments and advice about how I should respect my parents, asking me how I would feel if they died, assuming that I wrote the book as a way to complain and vent about how horrible they are.⁣

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Some have even gone as far as asking me,

“How do you feel when your children see this? You know, what goes around, comes around? Taste of your own medicine…”

“Your parents should be embarrassed and ashamed of you.”

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t On the flip side, I’ve also received a few comments about how my book is a lost cause, that it’s impossible to deal with Asian parents and that my efforts are futile. Comments like these have ranged from,

“I don’t want to deal with them. They’re horrible people. They’ll never change.”

“What’s the point of this book? I’ve given up on them and you should too!”

“Stop opening old wounds that won’t heal. You’ve wasted your time.”

Solutions, not problems I’m a person who values walking the talk so as the book title infers, it’s about how to deal with an issue, not about how to define it.

Disclaimer: Even though I focused this post on married heterosexual men, it doesn’t mean that other genders don’t use their partners as an excuse. This behaviour transcends gender, culture, relationship status, sexual preference etc. However, in my personal experience, I’ve heard men default to this excuse more often than women.

When a husband says "My wife won't let me", he's actually masking his insecurities. It's time to empower men to own their choices in life. It goes beyond outdated gender expectations.

Was he racist or sexist? As a woman of colour, I'm often in a tough position. We are vulnerable. How do I stand up for myself enough?

As an Asian, I am vulnerable to a slew of belittlement, from microaggressions, prejudice to blatant racist attacks. As a woman, I have been stereotyped as those who overreact, overly emotional, sensitive, hysterical.

Therefore, as an Asian woman, these are just a few examples of incidences where I felt triggered. And almost always, I will doubt myself,

“Am I just being sensitive?”

I feel helpless after the fact and pent-up frustrations build. I start to ruminate,

“You should have done this. You should have said that.”

“Did I do enough to stand up for myself? To make my Asian and/or female counterparts proud?”

Social distancing. Physical distancing. Stay positive. Test negative. Stop the spread. Stay at home. Keeping sane during the COVID-19 pandemic.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Happy New Year!

2020 came.

Then a couple of months later, we started to quarantine. A global pandemic took over our lives.

It was called social distancing then it was physical distancing.

Stay positive. Test negative.

Stop the spread. Stay at home.

Enough said.

Have you pulled your hair out?

Picked at your fingers? Your toes? Your face?

Punch the walls? Climbed the walls? Ripped off the wallpaper?

Why keep it real? Authenticity, candour, real talk 100%…this is what readers value when they consume a story.

They don’t want fluff. They don’t want to be talked down to. They don’t want posers. They’re too smart for that. They know when you’re faking it. They can read between the lines of posturing.

How can you get down to earth through your words so that a stranger feels like they know you without ever meeting you?

If you're trying to be someone else, you're doing it wrong.

Getting pregnant wasn't easy for me the second time. But that experience made me more compassionate for those who struggle with infertility.

Just relax! It’s supposed to be fun…eyeroll

Sure…it’s fun in the beginning. It’s exciting to make a baby. And having lots of sex with the person you want to create this life with sounds like an exhilarating adventure.

But those who never had trouble conceiving don’t know how frustrating it is when you’re told to relax. I want to shove a pair of socks (or better yet, a box of ovulation sticks) in their mouths.

It’s like when you’re in the middle of an argument and the other person tells you to,

“Take a chill pill! Calm down! Relax!”

It makes you more riled up, adding fuel to the fire. No, telling someone to relax only makes it worse.

Working moms have it tough. Our social life is often at the bottom of our priorities. How can one minimize the loneliness of motherhood?

Some may say since the advent of the Internet, it has made us feel more lonely, more depressed, and have more anxiety than the generation that grew up without it. Specifically, it’s that constant scrolling through social media and getting access to people’s lives who seem to “have it together” that make our lives feel inadequate.

From my experience, I only started to up my social media game when I became a mom. It could have been a combination of becoming a blogger and seeking a sense of belonging but it allowed me to feel normal about things that didn’t seem normal, from saggy belly skin, breastfeeding struggles to real and raw articles about the resentment we hold against our husbands.

As a Millennial, I grew up in the meme culture, finding things I thought were weird, funny or oddly gratifying and realizing I wasn’t the only one. I’d like to think it drives our generation’s sense of humour. To me, connecting with moms from all parts of the world, either directly or indirectly has made the inevitable loneliness of motherhood more tolerable.

Working moms have it tough. Our social life is often at the bottom of our priorities. How can one minimize the loneliness of motherhood?

Working moms have no time to stop

I go back to work and the playdates dwindle down, texting tapers and the chats become infrequent. I’m in the full-blown working mom mode where the guilt rips me apart, trying to make time for myself, my job, my husband and my barely a year-old daughter. Trying to prioritize is a lose-lose battle because one of those things will always suffer; I didn’t want to let anything slide.

My days were beyond full; in addition to the 9–5, there were the drop-offs and pick-ups, crawling in traffic stress, preparing dinners the night before, scrambling to get to early morning meetings, ducking out early during afternoon meetings. Working moms are overwhelmed, especially those with young children.

I was lonely. There was a deep void that couldn’t be filled because I didn’t have the capacity to fill it. My stress levels were overflowing but I felt empty, longing for social connection. The days kept going, switching from work to home, home to work, replacing hats the mere second I stepped into the office or the house.

Working moms have it tough. Our social life is often at the bottom of our priorities. How can one minimize the loneliness of motherhood?

At that moment, I remember feeling sorry for my mom, that she didn’t have people her age to talk to except my dad and a couple of her coworkers. I told myself that I wouldn’t be like that when I had kids, that I would have friends and want friends, that I would have asked for that lady’s number and developed that budding connection into a friendship.

Don’t throw it, re-grow in the garden or compost it

My husband and I started gardening about 4 years ago. I first started regrowing green onions and this piqued my interest.

All I did was cut the ends of the green onions that I bought from the store, put them in a glass with some water, let it grow a bit and then transferred them to our garden. I haven’t bought green onions for years. The next vegetable I want to re-grow is celery. Apparently, it’s the same process.

Eat mindfully then mindlessly save the rest

As adults, we need to have an idea of how hungry we are and how much we can eat. Practicing mindfulness during meals is a fantastic way to gauge this and also help manage emotional eating.

When folks scarf down their meals, looking at their phones, shovelling instead of actually chewing, they don’t get to appreciate the ingredients nor are they aware of how much they’ve actually consumed.

Immigrant parents often told their kids to finish their food; however, in this generation, it goes beyond the plate to reduce food waste.

I’m eternally grateful for the time and place that I live in. I am fortunate I am not in my parents’ position, that they took the brunt of the hardship when they immigrated to Canada so that I can thrive and optimize on the opportunities they didn’t have. I want to preserve my parents’ resourcefulness not because I need to survive but because I want my great-grandchildren to survive.

Identifying and appreciating this difference between our generations has allowed me to embrace my past, take action in my present to create a better future for my children. So I started thinking about all the resourceful ways I have lived my life and came up with a list of things I do to reduce wasted food. By sharing my story and tips, I hope to inspire you to redirect your focus away from “finish your plate” to “save our planet.”

So I’m going to share with you the things that I do to help reduce wasted food. I’m not someone who gives advice unless I’ve followed it. I’m a realist so these are practical tips that are relatively easy to follow and implement in your life.

Immigrant parents often told their kids to finish their food; however, in this generation, it goes beyond the plate to reduce food waste.

Canadian statistics on wasted food

According to the Second Harvest’s 2019 annual report: Feeding People, Not Landfills, more than half the food that is produced gets thrown out in Canada. This is approximately 35.5 million metric tonnes of food every year. And 11.2 million metric tonnes of it can be avoided.

Why should we care about wasted food? Why should we do our part in reducing it?

I’m going to state the obvious but it SAVES YOU MONEY! Like my parents, grandparents and great grandparents and ancestors have preached for generations, when you throw out something you bought with money, that is throwing out money.

Next, let’s talk about the earth’s resources that are used to grow food. When you throw out half your burger, do you know how much it took to raise that cow, manufacture that it into ground beef, transport it to a restaurant, grill it and serve it to you piping hot? I’m just talking about the patty. When you leave it on your plate, it takes additional resources to collect, haul and transport to the landfill site.

Lastly, the landfill that keeps growing also keeps producing methane emissions, contributing to the greenhouse gases that continue to heat our planet up.

Immigrant parents often told their kids to finish their food; however, in this generation, it goes beyond the plate to reduce food waste.

My “waste not, want not” upbringing

Growing up with Asian immigrant parents, my dad’s paycheque went to 2 things: the mortgage and the groceries. My mom’s paycheque went to our clothes and extracurricular activities. And anything extra went to their savings so they could put an additional payment into the mortgage at the end of the year. Survival was the priority; food and shelter were the main concerns as parents. Money was tight and throwing away food was like throwing away cash. That was their mentality.

My mom would often preach to us that we needed to finish our food, guilt-tripping us with the “starving kids in Africa who have less than us” story. Later on, when we were teenagers, she preyed on our vanity and self-consciousness by coming up with a myth that for every grain of rice we didn’t finish, a freckle would appear on our faces.

Every dinner, she put a lot of thought and effort into her dishes, coming up with exciting flavours and textures with the ingredients she had in her pantry so that it would be enticing enough for her kids to eat. So when she would see food left in our bowls, she’d feel hurt, assuming we didn’t like her food and that we didn’t appreciate her hard work. Food was tied to how she showed her love and despite her good intentions, it manifested into my emotional eating, wanting to finish my plate whenever dinner was served as to not disappoint her.

Asian culture and the age hierarchy

Growing up as a Chinese Canadian, I often felt like I was a living and breathing war, caught in an eternal conflict between the Western and Eastern cultures.

Which values do I resonate with?

Which beliefs do I want to own?

How do I want to define my identity? Is this a choice for me to make? Or my parents? Or my teachers? Or society?

In Asian cultures, age is significantly valued in a hierarchical manner. For instance, in Chinese culture, how family members are referred to depends on whether the person is older/younger than you. This determines their formal title.

Generally, the older someone is, the more respect they are entitled to and this philosophy is shared across Asia, from Korea, Japan to China as it is based on Confucian teachings. Everyone has a position in life, ranked depending on their age (old higher rank than young) and gender (males higher rank than females)* and how people interact with one another should reflect where they stand in this hierarchy.

Asian cultures value age in a hierarchical manner. I was taught to respect my elders. How has growing up in Canada affected my views?

The East and West battle inside of me

The other day, I was leaving the grocery store when I saw a white man in his late 60’s carrying a bunch of bags also head towards the exit.

I politely asked him,

“Sir, would you like some help?”

He sneered,

“No thanks. I can do just fine. I’m not as old as you think I look.”

I’m shocked at his response so I don’t say anything. He walked on but I stopped to ponder,

“What just happened?”

How that made me look even better

I’ve written about my past eating disorder, ongoing recovery and how it’s affected me as a mom. So this is about how I’ve changed my mindset around exercise, instead of abusing it, using it to heal from my abuse.

How did I finally figure out a balance that made me happier, healthier and look even better than when I was in my 20s before kids?

I’ve written about my past eating disorder, ongoing recovery and how it’s affected me as a mom. So this is about how I’ve changed my mindset around exercise, instead of abusing it, using it to heal from my abuse.

You can do too much of a good thing

It was around Grade 10 when I understood the concept of “calories in versus calories out”. It’s a simple math equation:

The more you eat, the more you need to expend. The less you eat, the less you need to expend.

The more you expend, the more you can eat. The less you expend, the less you can eat.

In order to lose weight, you can eat less and/or expend more. I wanted that thigh gap, those rail-thin arms, the flat stomach, to fit into size zero jeans, to tell people that I was an extra small when it came to buying clothes for me, to not get picked on for being the bigger girl at those Asian family dinners, to be praised for having lost weight etc.

So I took that equation and made up a dangerous game. Eating was tied to managing my emotions and exercising was tied to managing my mental state; I abused both, overexercising, starving and binging, consuming calories to fill a void, expending calories to expunge the guilt.

Whenever I ate too much or ate something ‘bad’, I needed to cleanse my sins and exercise was my penance.

As the mother of a girl and a boy, I will get a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. What kind of mother-in-law do I want to be? Hopefully, one that doesn't deserve to be punched in the face.

I have a daughter and a son. They’re both under 5 but assuming they’re both heterosexual and get happily married, I will have a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. And I get to have the title of a mother-in-law.

Maybe it’s the old traditional mindset that girls will always come back to their parents whereas boys tend to stray away but I only started thinking about this relationship a little more in-depth when I had my son.

Why is it more common for the relationship between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law to be strained than with her son-in-law?

Growing up, my mom discouraged my sisters and me from taking any medication unless prescribed and required by our family doctor. Anything else was unnatural and unnecessary for our bodies. Pain is part of life and riding it out was like a badge of honour for her. Like many Asian moms, she had mastered the art of hiding her emotions.

She will try everything to prevent disease before resorting to medication; hence, she eats incredibly healthy, works out like a beast, hikes, swims, practices yoga and destressing techniques.

What are some things you can do to avoid the Asian family drama that can happen during the planning and at the wedding?

From the guest list, traditions, venue...here's what I did that I had control over to avoid most of the drama.

Ultimately, it’s the memories that we have of our wedding that matter. Drama or no-drama, we made sure it was our moment to remember.

It's me and my husband's day, not anyone else's.

So before I rant about the Asian family drama that happens whenever someone gets engaged and the things you can do to prevent that, let me share with you a few factors that I had absolutely no control over that helped me avoid a lot of that stuff.

Take time to reminisce and learn more about yourself

When those annoying instances happen, I take the time to dig deep into myself, reflecting on my childhood, values, beliefs and priorities and why that triggered me emotionally.

Then it initiates a self-reflection journey where I write my thoughts down, discover old wounds I need to heal or patch up, build my emotional strength to pass on to my children; this often turns into a blog post, podcast and/or video.

The same self-reflection journey happens when delightful instances happen, like funny things my daughter does and says that I get to hear about from them or things that I realize my parents have stopped doing because they now know better (like encouraging my daughter to cry instead of shaming it when I was a kid). I get to relish in the cycle of parenting.

Don’t compare them to others

Oh, how the tables have turned. Growing up, my parents loved comparing us, apples to oranges to mangoes to kiwis. That history has made me prone to their behaviour.

Who’s making more? Who got the promotion first? Who got better grades? Who got married first? Who has the bigger house? Nicer car? Went to a better school?

Now it’s,

Who is the better caretaker for your kids?

It’s hard not to compare those who take care of your kids. From in-laws, parents of friends, a sibling, the nanny, your parents, even between you and your spouse (the other parent), who did well and who did poorly.

Be grateful

Before getting pregnant, I already knew that I wanted to raise my kids in the city where I grew up. They have great public schools (I am proud to be a product of that system) and the community is very child-friendly. I’m grateful we can afford to live here and were able to buy a home close to my parents.

I wanted to be close to my parents because I want my kids to have a strong relationship with their grandparents, something I didn’t have growing up because they lived in Hong Kong. I met my Gong Gong once when I was 5 and my Por Por left earth too early before I was born. On my dad’s side, I only have a couple of distant memories of my Maa Maa and Ye Ye before they passed.

The relationship they have with my kids is priceless; taking care of them keeps my parents busy, engaged and gives them a renewed sense of a purpose. It challenges them mentally, emotionally and physically and although they’ll never admit it, I believe having my daughter around has helped reinvigorate their marriage and appreciation for one another. They’ve had to relearn how to work as a team.

I’m fortunate to be in the situation that I am in and it’s hard to complain when I know I am on the side where the grass is greener.

Out of sight, out of mind

Ignorance is bliss. I don’t know what I don’t know and sometimes I don’t want to know what I don’t know, you know?

Would I want to put cameras up at my parents’ house so I could monitor exactly what was going on?

What my parents were really feeding her?

How much screen time they were really allowing her?

How much English my dad was really speaking?

Hell no!

This is the reason why I prefer to drop my kids off at my parents than to have them at my house. Yes, they could easily come over and it’ll save me the extra 25-minute commute to and from their place during the drop-offs and pick-ups; however, once I drop her off, I know she’s in good hands and that’s all that matters. When I pick her up, what’s done is done and I’m grateful I didn’t get a call from them in the middle of the day.

Have a tough conversation (But choose wisely)

Picking my battles with my parents about how to care for my daughter is both an art and a science. If I nag them every time they do something that bothers me, my concerns will eventually fall on deaf ears.

And generally, Asian parents are very sensitive to criticism. Often when feedback is given, they’ll immediately get defensive and/or play the victim, shifting the blame on someone or something else. So it’s a delicate art to bring up when it comes to their caretaking abilities.

The bottom line is choosing the right issue to bring up, knowing what I value and whether the issue is big and frequent enough to pinch my values.

Focus on the positive and their strengths

In the end, my loose reins worked in my favour because my parents naturally did the “right” things. I shifted my focus on their positive traits and started appreciating their strengths.

No caretaker is perfect and it's important to appreciate your parents for what they are good at.

Lower your expectations (more like throw them out the door)

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned (still learning) to curb my need to be a supermom.

FYI: My son is playing in his Jumperoo as I’m typing this sentence and he’s been whining for my attention for the past 15 minutes.

Do I yell at my kids? Yes.

Do I swear in front of them? Yes.

Do I put Paw Patrol on so I can work out? Yes.

Do I feed them ice cream, cookies, chips and other foods that contain ingredients that I cannot pronounce? Yes.

Have there been days where it’s nice out but we stay inside like sloths on the couch watching TV and playing Angry Birds? Yes.

Have there been times where my kids haven’t taken a bath in days and they smell like ripe Gouda? Yes.

Are my kids in swimming, ballet, soccer, piano, skating, painting, crafts, juggling, bird watching…all the activities a stereotypical Tiger mom puts them in? No.

I’ve come to terms with my own expectations as a mother and I’ve had to set a basic minimum for my parents.

When you have a product that you believe in, it makes it easier.

I'm an author of 3 books. I needed to sell my books, promote them, tell people about them, get them to resonate with my message and story and then, take their precious hard-earned dollars out of their wallets to spend on me.

It’s the right thing to do but I dreaded it. It became one of those things you know you should do but you don’t want to do them.

For instance, household chores, laundry, putting the dishes away, wiping the counters, cleaning the sink, toilets, bathtub.

Or from a health perspective: working out, eating right, drinking water, going to bed early etc.

And I clumped selling my books into that category.

I can create and create and create until the cows come home…but will people know about it?

Here’s the thing…

Are there days you just want to create, record, write and produce?

Not marketing, not promoting, not selling, not networking…just in your space, putting your skills to work and seeing the beauty you can contribute to society?

Don’t we all wish we could just do exactly what we want and get paid for it?

In some ways that is possible…but being a realistic optimist, I believe there will always be things we don’t want to do. If I'm going to do something I don't want to do, I'm going to do it as authentic to me as possible. ⁣

In this PODCAST, Jane and I have a frank conversation from body confidence, married life in quarantine and our thoughts on the racism that has recently surfaced during this unprecedented time. We dive into some tough topics while staying authentic to who we are.

Self-confidence tips

How do you stay confident about our bodies as we go through change? Ageing, pregnancies, the ups and downs of life all contribute to our self-confidence. When maintaining a positive mindset about our physical appearance, it actually goes beyond skin deep.

Married life during the #quarantine

Working alone versus working apart versus working side by side. How can couples stay sane during a time where space is limited. Both Jane and I are working at home alongside our husbands. How did we find a happy medium sharing an environment without sabotaging our marriages?

Racism and hate towards the Chinese during COVID-19

hateisavirus and it spreads like wildfire if it doesn't get contained. It's much easier to hate than to love because our brains are wired to be negative. And love starts with self-love, embracing ourselves and our culture and then sharing that love with others through thoughtful conversation, compassion and an open mind.

How do you feel about your body? How do you feel about food?

As someone who has struggled with body confidence her whole life, I've had a love-hate relationship with these 2.

*Warning: there are various descriptive, emotional triggers in the rest of this story. Please be advised

From disordered eating, laxatives, cleanses, liquid diets, binging then throwing up, caffeine pills and patches, overexercising (I remember running non-stop around the track until welts formed in my armpits and skin peeled off my inner thighs)...to not eating for days...I've done it all.

It started when I was just a kid. I remember I went on my first 'diet' when I was barely 8 years old, eliminating meat because fat was the enemy at the time.

From the media, not meeting the stereotypical thin Asian body type, negative comments from family and family friends, pressure from myself to meet unattainable expectations, perfectionist tendencies...all of these contributed to my disordered eating behaviour.

As part of my recovery, I've pinpointed the reasons for my toxic relationship with food: I control my eating as a way to control my feelings.

However, emotions are not reasons to eat.

To be hungry is. To nourish your body is. To fuel your brain so it can optimally function while you write is. To feed your muscles so they can pick up your child is.

And that took years to figure out, to be in tune with my body, teasing out what feeling I was feeling whenever I wanted to eat.

It's a daily battle. Every meal I eat, I try my best to do it mindfully. Over time, I've come to appreciate and re-invigorate my love for food.

And I'm extra sensitive to the way I talk about food, how I eat, when I eat and what I eat whenever I'm around my children. I don't want to put an emphasis on it but I also don't want it to be off my radar. I want to teach my kids to have a healthy relationship with food without drawing too much attention to it.

I want to be stealth, monitoring closely but not too closely.

I think I'll always think, "Am I hyper-aware of how and what they eat because of my past? Or is there actually something going on?"

So here are some guidelines that I've been following and my thoughts and realistic experiences with how that's actually been going.

This was originally a live session hat aired on July 10th, 8 pm PST

In this podcast, Angie Wong and I sat down and had a real and raw conversation about relationships.

We chatted about relationships of all sorts, romantic, non-romantic, family, strangers, diving into the nitty-gritty of human connection and energy.

I spoke about the past lessons from a previous relationship that revealed toxic behaviours such as over-functioning and poor anger management which led to deep-rooted resentment. I go into detail about how I am in relationships is influenced by my childhood growing up with Asian immigrant parents.

We hit some major truths about dating and what happens when we treat ourselves poorly and how that attracts those who will treat us poorly. We get honest about our egos and what happens when we get hurt.

As Angie puts it, "It's not reJECTion. It's reDIRECTion."

Stick around! It's about to get vulnerable. Let the learning begin.

For more information about Show Face to Face, check out the group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/showfacetoface/

You will get your independence back

I remember the moment I felt like I “lost my independence.”

I was driving back home from a mom group when I saw that Garden Works was having a sale. I was about to turn in when my daughter started wailing.

I looked at the clock and I said to myself,

“Right, it’s ten o’clock. It’s time to go home for a feed, diaper change and then a nap.

Will I come back and check out the sale?

Nope. Nope. And nope.

Because after her nap, it starts all over again.

When can I just pick up and go without considering her needs?

Will I ever be able to do that?”

And that scared the sh*t out of me because I thought my life was over.

But it wasn’t and I’ve been able to do pit stops since.

The feed, change, and nap cycle goes away!

And even during the “rigorous” schedule, you CAN do what you want; it just depends on how much you want to.

You CAN feed in the car, in the mother’s nursing room at the mall, on the bus.

You CAN change diapers in the park, at the bank etc.

You CAN let them nap in the stroller, in your arms while you try to eat your brunch, on the floor at your friend’s house etc.

Once they’re out of the cycle, you would have gotten so used to that routine that any sense of freedom feels like a blessing. It’s all relative.

“They can grab a cheerio and eat it.”

“They can walk up to the toilet, take off their pants and pee.”

“They can climb the stairs, change into their pyjamas and go to bed.”

The experience of losing your independence is sudden at first but when you start gaining it back, you forget you lost it in the first place.

Ask for helpful help (including support for your partner) and refuse unhelpful help

People love to help. It’s an inherent characteristic of our species. We see someone struggling and we want to do something for them.

So that’s why those World Vision commercials worked so well huh?

However, not all help is created equal and that depends on what you find helpful.

For instance, imagine having your parents or in-laws come over to help “clean” your house. But you have to direct them to where everything is, help them move things around and basically make sure they don’t screw it up. You end up having to watch 3 babies instead of 1. Not exactly helpful!

That’s the time to say,

“Thanks, but no thanks!”

Figure out what you consider helpful and ask for it!

For me, the most helpful thing came from my sister. Before coming to visit us, she asked what I needed from the grocery store. I listed a bunch of fruit because we had been surviving on reheated meals, postpartum Chinese soups and congee.

Then she asked,

“Any snacks for Brian (my husband)?”

At that moment, I glanced at him and realized he was going through his own recovery. He looked mentally and emotionally exhausted (having taken quite a Baby Blues beating from myself), unshaven with a bit of dried-up congee crust hanging at the corner of his lip.

I asked him,

“What snacks do you crave right now? Don’t hold back. Just go!”

He stared at me as his eyes lit up, listing very specific snacks including All Dressed flavoured Crispers, Sweet Chilli Riceworks chips and Miss Vickie’s jalapeno kettle cooked potato chips.

My sister came over with bags of fruit and every single snack he wanted.

I think ripping open that bag of Crispers, devouring each one until crumbs covered his face gave my husband almost as much joy as holding his newborn son.

Vent, rant, do verbal diarrhea with your trusted emotional support circle (they won’t judge)

Whether it’s your sister, your mom, your besties, your aunt, your cousin, or an online support group, find your tribe.

Your partner will not get it. You’ll want to vent about him to someone because you may resent him and he can only take so much.

During that time when you’re learning how to be a mom, you will experience immense emotional highs and lows. You may experience “baby blues” during the first two weeks where you feel moody, irritable, restless, anxious, sadness, with bouts of crying.

You’re going to need a sounding board, someone to validate your feelings, someone to tell you things will get better, that it’s totally normal to feel like a fish out of water that’s drowning with each breath of air.

Write and voice your true feelings aloud! Don’t fake it.

You don’t need to put on a brave face or pretend like you’ve got this; it’s okay to say it sucks.

On the flip side, don’t join pity parties. If mothers around you are complaining incessantly about how hard it is but you’re loving it, don’t succumb to social pressures. It’s okay to say it’s wonderful.

At the end of the say, you want your journey into motherhood to be real, raw and authentic.

Breastfeeding may or may not work out and that’s totally okay

Some women have that magical first moment with their newborns, eyes meet, skin-to-skin, tears of joy, a well-fitted latch, not tongue-tide, hefty gulps from colostrum filled breasts.

Some women aren’t physically able to breastfeed.

Some women struggle with breastfeeding at first and choose to keep trying, with lots of ups and downs until it works out.

Some women struggle with breastfeeding at first and decide not to do it anymore.

Some women don’t struggle with breastfeeding and decide not to do it.

Some women exclusively pump and bottle feed.

Some women breast and bottle feed.

Some women choose not to breastfeed at all.

Whatever you do is specific to your situation. No one is you and every mother is different. Ultimately, fed is best and don’t let anyone (including yourself) convince you otherwise.

You have a right to request and refuse visitors

From friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, everyone wants to see the baby. And this can either augment or diminish your experience depending on how you want to recover.

But how do you know how you want to recover if you’ve never given birth?

Think about a time when you’ve gotten sick, had the flu or had surgery. Maybe that time you had your Wisdom teeth taken out or when you broke your foot while hiking?

How did you want to recover?

Having visitors can be a great way to feel normal again, to have adult conversations, to socialize and to surround yourself with people who share your joy. So if you want your sister, your best friend, your coworkers, all your girlfriends, your mom, or whoever you need, ask them to come over. Request them to be there with you, to help you, to lend an ear, to make hot tea for you, to dish about the latest gossip, to gush over the newborn smell etc.

However, having visitors can also overwhelm a new mom. This is especially true if you’re someone who needs their own time, space and privacy to recover.

You have the right to choose who you want during your delivery, at the hospital during visiting hours and when you come home.

Don’t play hostess because you’ll suck at it.

Your home is your safe space. Combining sleep deprivation, Baby Blues, feeling like a deflated balloon will make your patience levels paper-thin. It’s a bad idea to have visitors who you are not completely comfortable with and can’t be your absolute raw self around. If you have to put up a front in front of them, engage in small talk and/or watch what you say, you can let them wait to see the baby. You don’t want to say something that you’ll regret later.

“Get the fuck out of my fucking house!”

Don’t be a people pleaser!

No one has a ‘right’ to see your baby except yourself and your partner. Set clear boundaries and make sure both of you are on the same page in enforcing them. Those who respect and understand this are part of your tribe. For those who don’t, you may need to re-assess those relationships.

During life changes such as getting married or divorced, losing or starting a job, beginning or ending a relationship, having a baby, you will get to see the true colours of the people in your life. It’s like a litmus test for filtering out the authentic relationships from the inauthentic ones.

It’s okay if you don’t feel an instant, magical connection with your baby

What you see on TV and movies don’t actually happen. First, those babies look way too big to be newborns. Second, Hollywood has yet to master the “after giving birth” look.

Lastly, the magical connection doesn’t always happen immediately.

I had completely different experiences with my first and second.

Maybe it was being a new mom and not knowing what to expect when she came out but I felt like my daughter was an alien. I didn’t know how to hold her. I didn’t know how to soothe her. I stared at her constantly, when she was awake and when she was asleep. I wanted to be close to her all the time but I also wanted to have space for myself. Everything felt so awkward.

But as the time when on, I got to know her and she got to know me. I knew what her cries and coos meant. I figured out when I needed to be close and when I could have some space. Our connection grew and she became my baby girl and I became her mother.

With my son, he looked up at me and I looked down at him and I just wanted to snuggle and eat him up. I understood his cries quickly and there was no awkwardness.

Treat your body with kindness

Your body just performed a miracle. It grew an entire human, eyeballs, earlobes, brains, fingernails and everything. It needs to heal, replenish and recover. It’s amazing what the body can do and you need to appreciate what it’s been through.

This is not the time to obsess over stretch marks, loose skin, or jiggly thighs. It’s time to love your body even more. Every change that your body went through during pregnancy and delivery is a badge of honour. Wear your skin with pride.

There is no such thing as a “pre-baby body.” You grew a tiny human, from a couple of cells to an entire heart, mind, body and soul; that’s what it went through. You can’t turn back time and you wouldn’t want to either.

Instead of aiming for the body that you used to have, strive to have the most positive body image for yourself as a new mom. If you treat your body with kindness and love, it will do wonders for you in return. Also, having a positive body image is a great way to lead by example as a parent.

Your past

Why it didn’t work out with your exes

Talking about your exes may be considered taboo on a first date.

However, once a couple has reached a point in their relationship where they’re talking about marriage, a lot can be learned about someone when they share what happened in their past relationships and why they ended.

You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty but reflecting on your past, who you were at the time and how you’ve grown can give your partner insight into why you are the way you are with them. It’s an opportunity to validate that the person you’re about to marry is the right person.

‘Dirty laundry’ that keeps you up at night

Got a burning secret that you’re keeping from them? And it’s eating you up inside? Better speak now or forever hold your peace.

Everyone views secrets differently.

Some believe that there shouldn’t be any secrets between a couple. Honesty is the best policy. And if the couple is strong enough, they will accept the secret and figure out a way to move forward together.

Others believe there are things that don’t need to be shared and not knowing that information can protect someone from getting hurt. You know, ignorance is bliss and the burden of keeping that secret is justified as a selfless act.

Ultimately, if the secret is big enough to keep you up at night and it affects how you are around your partner and how you treat them, it needs to be shared. Your partner will notice things are off and it will be detrimental to your relationship. You might as well nip it in the bud before you walk down the aisle.

Where and how to live

It’s hard to maintain a marriage if you’re physically apart. The stress of long-distance relationships, commutes, time-zone differences would drive any couple to the edge.

Where do you want to live together?

Where would you want to raise your kids?

How do you want to live? Are you deadset on living in a specific city or province/state or country? How open are you to a nomadic lifestyle?

Have you always dreamt of living in a different country? Do you have a bucket list of places to live?

Do you eventually want to move back closer to your family?

If one person wants to put roots down while the other is willing to be on the move every few years depending on opportunities that come up (job, experience a new culture, lifelong dreams etc) this can cause major stress in a marriage. Make sure you’re both on the same page.

Money is often quoted as one of the top reasons marriages end in divorce. It’s a point of contention even during casual conversations because of its association with power, status, security, freedom, and autonomy, topics that can easily pinch our values.

Money is emotional Money shaped a lot of our childhoods (growing up with humble surroundings versus with privilege), contributing to our values and beliefs as adults. How do you perceive someone who has more or less than you?

How do you want to be perceived? Who earns more? Who earns less? How does that affect shared financial decisions? Spender or saver? Invest in the future or enjoy life in the present? Possessions or experiences? Would you lend money to friends and/or family? If so, how much? If not, why? Tipping etiquette? Current debt Credit cards, lines of credit, student loans, auto loans, medical bills, tax debt, monies owed to friends and/or family, gambling debt, mortgages, unpaid parking tickets, failed business debts etc.

I highly recommend putting everything out on the table before you get married. It’s a very vulnerable process to go through because there’s fear of being criticized by your partner. Someone with a ton of debt can be perceived as irresponsible, careless, lacking discipline and self-control. It can also uncover some bad habits that someone wants to hide (uncontrolled retail therapy, gambling addiction, online gaming debt etc.) It’s can be daunting to share this with your partner but think of it like ripping off a bandaid.

Once you’re both on the same page, it’s easier to come up with a plan for how to pay off the debt. It could be an opportunity to work as a team, leveraging on each others’ strengths and abilities. It’s better to know this information before you start sharing your life together as a married couple.

Kids or no kids? That is the question. Without a doubt, both of you have to see eye to eye on this question because it’s not like you can turn back time or get a refund. If you are on polar ends with your partner… And neither of you are willing to budge, there is no give or take.

Once you decide what to do, it’s almost certain that one of you will resent the other; it creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. It’s a catch 22. If you decide not to have children, the resentment builds as you watch friends and peers start families.

If you decide to have children, the resentment builds as you see your childless friends go on adventures and spend their time effortlessly without the parenting responsibility. It will pull you guys apart and it’s just not worth dragging a child through the mess. If you both don’t want kids… Then that’s it, simple and easy.

If you both want kids…Then it depends on when and how. When do you want to have them? Do you want to have biological children? How open are you to fertility treatments if necessary? How open are you to adoption? In terms of how many children, that can be discussed after you’ve had one. It’s fine if you currently disagree on the number because once you become parents, you’ll have a better idea of whether more kids are in the picture. If one or both of you are uncertain… It can be tough to have a definitive answer about kids if it’s something you or your partner haven’t thought deeply about.

From social pressures to the fear of losing your independence, check out my “Ultimate Guide To Deciding Whether You Should Have Kids” to help you make a decision.

What solidified that they were "The One"

Brian: You just knew. This one is a secret.

Katharine: He met everything that I needed, wanted and deserved in a life partner. We had many similar values and beliefs around family and money. I was attracted to his confident, ambitious, open-minded, and extroverted personality. He's a dreamer who likes to think big, a natural entrepreneur who pushes boundaries and isn't afraid to try new things. And if this were a romantic comedy, there was an actual moment I knew he was "The One.". We were sharing a croissant in Paris and had been dating for about 8 or 9 months. It's a feeling I got that surpasses that exciting "all over each other" phase, that it was no longer lust and novelty but rather something deeper. We were in France for my friend's wedding and I remember someone referred to him as my husband; I didn't bat an eye. It didn't scare me. It felt right. And that's when I knew.

What is your best piece of advice for those using online dating to find their special person?

Brian: My best advice for online dating is to be open-minded. Give everyone a chance to shine and spark joy. Some people are more photogenic than others so definitely don't rule out average photos. You have to meet up in person afterwards. Send maybe a maximum of 2-3 messages. Most communication is face-to-face and nothing can substitute that.

Katharine: Using online dating apps and sites are great platforms to meet people. However, an increased number of options also comes with the burden of choice and making the decision to meet up with someone can be difficult. You can't be too picky and you can't have zero standards. It's also hard to keep trying when it doesn't work out. It's like there's potential and then there's too much potential.

As much as I love Vancouver, the dating scene is tough, almost impossible to meet people. When I was dating, I experienced all the challenges, from getting ghosted to catfished to random dudes who never did anything except text and then would get cold feet when I'd mention meeting up. So I was pretty frustrated but didn't give up. I sat down and really reflected on who I was and what I was looking for. I came up with a checklist. It comes down to really understanding yourself, what you need, want and deserve in a life partner. I met Brian a few months later.

Therefore, having met my husband in this city, I know it is possible to find love here and I want to help others do the same. So I decided to publish a book about it called, "A Brutally Honest Dating Guide" and it provides readers with real and raw advice about modern online dating.

When someone tells me I'm doing a good job or that I look great, I get uncomfortable. My first instinct is to downplay, then deny and then think of a compliment about the other person, deflecting the attention off of me. And then when I compliment, it's the most insincere thing. It comes across like I'm just saying something good about the other person for the sake of removing their focus on me.

When this happens, I can feel my Western and Eastern upbringings go at it, battling inside of me, trying to convince me to do the "right" thing. What is the "right" thing to do? It depends on your culture and what you value.

For me, deflecting and starting compliment battles are part of how I was raised. I remember my mom downplaying her efforts while everyone told her that she did a wonderful job raising her daughters. She really did a fucking amazing job.

Growing up as an Asian Canadian (Specifically, Chinese), it's disrespectful to confidently accept a compliment without saying something nice about the person complimenting you. You have to deny their comments as though you aren't as good as they say you are, that they are better and you don’t deserve their kind words. And I struggle to embrace this part of my culture because it makes complimenting a disingenuous process. Is the person saying something nice to me because they’re fishing for compliments, wanting to start a compliment battle? Or is the person being real with me, wanting me to know I am doing well?

In Western society, it can rub someone the wrong way if you reject their kind words; authenticity is absolutely valued. Compliment battles aren't socially acceptable. People just want you to accept their compliment, validate their words and feel good about sharing their positive thoughts. And personally, this aligns more with how I think and feel despite being conditioned otherwise.

As women, we need to stop talking down about ourselves and other women and really be proud of who we are and what we've accomplished. Men can do that with ease, why can't women? We need to rise up and be empowered in our strengths, owning every awesome thing about who we are. So here are my tips on how to give authentic compliments and how to receive them properly.

3 tips for how to give proper compliments: Start with You instead of I. Compliment right away when you see something good. Don’t use someone else’s compliment as a prompt. Don’t give credit to someone else in the compliment. Don’t question the person’s authenticity, skill, style, vibe, character, experience, personality, values, beliefs, priorities..etc.

3 tips for how to properly receive compliments: Simple response that’s easy to remember, “Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.” Don’t downplay or doubt yourself. Don’t question their intent. They’re saying something nice because they want you to know. Don’t one-up their compliment. Don’t compliment battle.

What do you want to do with your life? Isn't that a loaded question?

Self-discovery Exercise: What you’re good at doing versus what you love doing

What are you damn good at? What’s a skill that you have that you always get praised for? What do you love talking about? If you could play God and control a social situation so that people talk about a certain topic, what topic would that be? Find your space in the Venn where those two things eclipse. That's your sweet spot.

Ever feel like life is going by and you're just sitting there watching it?

You do things to get through the day, check the boxes and complete the tasks. And then one day, it hits you and you're sick and tired of the routine and you feel like a mindless mess that's running on autopilot.

Things need to get done, especially when you have kids and you're running a household. It's a tight ship that needs its Captain to steer. There is little time to dwell, to stop and reflect, to take a break.

I get this. I'm a mother of 2. I work full-time and I barely have 2 minutes to pause and smell the roses, to appreciate the simple things. Yes, I know it's the little things that we should savour, not take for granted so that we can experience true joy. But how can we appreciate those simple things when it's the big things we worry about?

Tigertail is a 2020 American drama film written and directed by Alan Yang Here are my two cents about the film.

What were your initial thoughts of the film and first reaction(s) to seeing the trailer?

What attempt does writer/director Alan Yang get “right” in this film that other filmmakers haven’t been able to do for mainstream audiences before?

Did this help you understand your parents better?

If so, how. Any specific scene that stood out? What is the number one thing you wish non-Asians would understand about the Asian immigration experience?

What is the biggest takeaway overall for you personally?

As we age, we tend to know ourselves better, what gives us pain, what gives us pleasure. But when we know ourselves more, it can also make us narrow-minded, preventing us from trying new things. It can also limit our desire to learn and grow.

How can we balance our increased self-awareness with a decreased desire to learn and grow?

We need to continually challenge ourselves well beyond "old age". By adopting a health mindset, we can remove the cap on self-awareness and take control of our destiny and where life leads us.

We need to be mindful when we experience the nocebo effect, which is the belief that we have little to no control over what happens to our minds, bodies and spirit. It's been shown where patients who had an illness mindset where they didn't believe treatments would work, the treatments were more likely not to work.

It goes with how we live our lives.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

Did you find this helpful?

Let me know in the comments below :)

https://www.sumonsleeve.com

Sign up for free Self-improvement downloads:

https://bit.ly/2FBcAlE

Facing your fears exercise worksheet

Self-reflection exercise worksheets

Dating advice 4-day video series course and checklist

23-page ebook on how to have a healthy romantic relationship

31-page ebook on how to improve your relationship with your parents

Free Self-Improvement Resources -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Have insecurities? Scared to be yourself? Worried about what others think of you? Or may think of you if you were to be real with them?

You're not alone which means most people are too busy thinking about themselves to pay attention to you. So be authentic to who you are, let yourself shine because you might just inspire someone else to.

Most people are their own worst critics. Just watch people as they walk by a mirror in a clothing store. ⁣

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Who do they look at? Themselves. ⁣

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So if you're afraid of how someone thinks of you...they're probably thinking the same thing. ⁣

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And when you let your true self shine...you'll attract those who relate to you. ⁣

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And those who don't will keep staring at themselves in the mirror.⁣

Never assume someone’s insecurities.

A person who is quiet doesn’t mean they are insecure about socializing.

A person who is overweight doesn’t mean they are insecure about their body image.

A person who has a low salary doesn’t mean they are insecure about their finances

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

Did you find this helpful?

Let me know in the comments below :)

https://www.sumonsleeve.com

Sign up for free Self-improvement downloads:

https://bit.ly/2FBcAlE

Facing your fears exercise worksheet

Self-reflection exercise worksheets

Dating advice 4-day video series course and checklist

23-page ebook on how to have a healthy romantic relationship

31-page ebook on how to improve your relationship with your parents

Free Self-Improvement Resources -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

♥ Let's CONNECT!

♥ INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/SumOnSleeve

♥ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/SumOnSleeve

The other day, I was picking up my daughter from my parents when I get an email from Medium saying that I made a bit of money last month from writing.

Holy shit! The Medium Writers Program pays if your stuff gets read. So, the better writer you are, the more money you get paid. So I had a moment of self-validation. People want to pay for my writing! I was incredibly proud of myself. It wasn't a lot of money but still...I was happy about it.

So when I entered my parents' house, I wanted to share with them my joy.

I was prepared for their unimpressed response...well at least I thought so.

I whip out my phone and show my mom the numbers.

Her response,

"That's not even enough to pay for groceries..barely a meal. This is how you think you'll make a living?"

When your Asian parents emotionally invalidate you...you don't take that shit to heart man. You take it in, embrace the moment and tell the whole fucking world about it.

You make a vow to respond differently to your kids, holding yourself accountable by emailing the people who support you about it.

So from the bottom of my broken heart (cue Britney)...it would mean the world to me if we could prove my mom wrong. Prove to her that I am a decent writer and I can eventually use the money I earn to take her out for Dim Sim...or lobster or pay for her Yoga pass.

And you can help me by getting a copy of my new book, coincidently titled, "How To Deal With Asian Parents" (Yes, I still struggle with them even though I wrote the book...work in progress).

Even if you can't support it or you don't resonate with the messages because you have a wonderful relationship with your parents...you could share it with a friend :)

On Amazon now:

eBook - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0855NGS8Z

Paperback - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0857C16ZK Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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How to Deal with Asian Parents: Have a better relationship because let’s face it, they’re not getting any younger

How to Deal with Asian Parents: Have a better relationship because let’s face it, they’re not getting any younger

You tell your friend about the KETO diet you're on, the workout you're doing, the meditation app you're using...they still haven't lost the weight, they're still anxious and stressed.

One day, she comes and visits you and she's as happy as a clam, and lost all the weight she wanted. Then she starts raving about how she finally listened to someone else's advice.

How do you feel?

Sometimes people need to hear the same piece of advice from many different voices before the right one gets through to them.

Don’t take it personally if it’s not yours. What REALLY matters is that the person you care about has made a change in their lives and they're better because of it. They're now happier, healthier and/or wealthier and it aligns with you believe in. Be grateful for their newfound life and support them through their transformation. They'll be there when you need it.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Growing up, I used chopsticks for pretty much every meal I ate. It's because all I ate was Chinese food.⁣

⁣

Fast forward... ⁣

⁣

having moved out, got married, had the kids...I've realized I don't use chopsticks that often. ⁣

⁣

Spoon, forks and knives fill our dishwasher every week as my daughter keeps asking me to teach her how to use chopsticks. ⁣

⁣

I've been procrastinating teaching her because I don't want to make a mess and I've never been the perfect chopsticks holder. ⁣

⁣

A part of me is like...eventually she'll have to learn when she goes out with her friends for dimsum or whatever...she'll just pick it up herself.⁣

⁣

Also, I'm secretly hoping my parents will just do it for me.⁣

⁣

But then I'm like, "I should just buckle down and teach her"⁣

⁣

Blargh...I'll keep y'all posted. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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It's normal to tell our kids what to do. It's part of being a parent. We start off as dictators, then as teachers and instructors, then as guides, mentors and peers. If we stay in one role forever, we'll never learn to let go and allow our kids to be the teachers and guides the world needs.

Don't put your finger in the electrical outlet. ⁣

Don't forget to wash your hands⁣

Brush your teeth⁣

Do your homework⁣

.⁣

.⁣

.⁣

Apples are on sale⁣

I heard that company is hiring⁣

Farmer's markets are a great place to take a date⁣

.⁣

.⁣

.⁣

Cake for breakfast won't hurt your kid⁣

They can watch all the TV at grandma's house⁣

Stop working so much and enjoy life Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Sorry for talking about my successes

Sorry for almost bumping into you

Sorry for gossiping about you

Sorry for being a toxic friend

Why do we apologize when we haven't done anything wrong but when we have, our egos get in the way and we forget those words?

Saying sorry needs to be meaningful. When we keep saying it for the wrong reasons, it loses the effect it has on people to forgive.⁣

⁣

When's the last time you really apologized and meant it?⁣

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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What does security mean to me?

When someone is secure with themselves, they'll exhibit these 6 signs. These are behaviours that I am currently striving for and I hope they'll inspire you to think deeply about.

It's hard for anyone to be completely secure with themselves but once we know what to aim for, it's easier to set goals, create plans and develop habits to change. We can overcome and/or manage our insecurities by defining what security means for us.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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When you see someone who is "uglier", "fatter", "dumber" and/or "less talented" than you, doing what you want to do...do you think, "I can do better."

Go do it! Only those who can prove themselves are actually better.

Are you in the audience booing, whining, and complaining?⁣

⁣

Or are you centre stage, performing, being vulnerable and REALLY showing the world your authentic self?⁣

⁣

Get raw, get real, get hurt⁣

⁣

Roll with the punches, get back up, lick your wounds⁣

⁣

Your true fans will be there.⁣ ⁣ Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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I just learned about sensory seeking versus sensory sensitive. I have a bit of both but more on the sensory seeking side. I hate wearing shoes, don't notice when I my clothes are disheveled, aren't too bothered by smells. But I hate loud noises. What about you?

This was something that came across my social media feeds and it's for parents who are trying to understand their kids.⁣

However, I also found it helpful for myself. ⁣

We all know we have 5 senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch.⁣

⁣

Sensory seeking includes:⁣

You like to hug and touch people⁣

You've been told you don't know what personal space is⁣

You talk loudly⁣

You enjoy noise and loud environments⁣

You have a high tolerance for pain⁣

⁣

Sensory sensitive include:⁣

You don't like like to hug or touch people⁣

You avoid crowds⁣

You prefer quiet environments⁣

You don't like tight or itchy clothing⁣

⁣

Some of us tend to be sensory seeking and some of us tend to be sensory sensitive.⁣

⁣

When you know which type you are, you can create an environment that is optimal for you to function. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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I cringe at the thought of telling my parents about my mental health issues...but I can easily tweet to the world about my history of depression and disordered eating.⁣

Strangers allow us to have fleeting moments to be bold. But we need to show vulnerability in the relationships that we value in order for us to build lasting courage.

We’ve become so insecure about our flaws that the fear of judgement from those we “trust” has forced us to overshare with those we don’t “trust” at all. Divulging secrets to a stranger won’t create a real connection. It’s a one-time thing, an authentic fling. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Whether you're deciding to switch jobs, start your life with someone, move across the country...You will only experience one choice. Think of the decisions you've made in the past and how each of them led to something else.⁣

⁣Then make a decision. There are no right or wrong life decisions...regret is for those who can't learn from the past.⁣

During life changes like getting married, getting divorced, starting a relationship, ending one, leaving a job, starting one, moving to a new city...you get to see the true colours of people. It's like a litmus test for filtering out the authentic relationships from the inauthentic ones.

Be bold! Be brave! Make those scary life decisions. ⁣

⁣Those who support you and want you to shine will be there, cheering you on. ⁣

⁣Those who can't stay for your metamorphosis are only holding you back.⁣

⁣You do you and your true tribe will appear.⁣ Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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⁣I don't want to see my kids struggle bc every negative feeling they feel, I feel it 10x more. ⁣

But letting them face the big, ugly world will allow me to also feel their sense of accomplishment and joy 100x more. ⁣

And this difference gives me courage to let go.

Push...pull...push...pull⁣

You want them to grow up but you also want them to stay the same.⁣

Parenthood is a funny thing. You can't live your life through your children but you have to consider them for every decision you make.⁣

And then comes a time you don't have to consider them at all.

Parenthood is simultaneously experiencing the oxymorons of feelings.

You feel happily sad when they need you less.

You feel uncertainly certain about every decision.

You want to spend as much and as little time with them.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Let’s get comfortable talking about our vaginas, breaking through taboos and redefining how we think about women’s health Vagina. Kegels. Vulva. Clitoris. Labia. Female genitalia.

How do you feel when you hear these words? Skirmish? Icky? Giggly?

Growing up as an Asian Canadian Growing up as an Asian Canadian, talking about vaginas wasn’t exactly a dinner table topic. It was a word used in textbooks, by the school nurse, the family doctor and maybe it was heard in that episode of Sex and The City if your parents somehow had HBO and let you watch TV past 8 pm.

I still remember the first time I got my period. My mom opened up a pad, quickly demonstrated how to put it on, then closed the pad up, just like the conversation.

No talk about hormones, what menstruation was, and obviously, nothing about the emotional cycles associated with a monthly period.

What do new moms really need to hear during those first months with their newborns?

When a baby is born, a mother is also born. Some people may not realize this because all they focus on is the baby.

We can’t blame them since babies are the epitome of joy. They symbolize hope, purity, faith, innocence, the future and all the gooey stuff in between. Their adorable little cheeks, tiny little fingers and toes can soften any heart. They have an entire life ahead of them, untainted by the realities of humanity.

However, at the same time, the woman who carried the cherub is also beginning a new journey called motherhood. And that can be daunting, exciting, scary, thrilling and emotional all at the same time.

As I’m writing this, I’m in postpartum recovery after giving birth to my second child. Having just done it all over again makes me self-reflect on what I would have loved to hear when I first became a mom.

So I came up with a list of empowering tips that hopefully new moms would find value in.

From one mother to another, please take my words to heart especially during the vulnerable first couple of months.

You won’t know everything. No new mom ever does.

However, you have the right to ask or refuse help, to cry as much or as little as you want, to take as long or as little as you need to heal, and to hold your baby as much or as little as you want.

And those who try to impose their own expectations for your baby without considering you first don’t have your best interests at heart.

Because the mother-baby bond doesn’t end when the umbilical cord is cut. Both of them are sharing a new adventure, learning and growing together.

Here are 7 empowering pieces of advice every new mom needs to hear.

Some decisions are hard to make and some are easy.

Making a decision like, “Where do you want to go for dinner?” may be easy for someone and hard for someone else.

When I was in my early 20’s, some of the simplest decisions would stress me out.

There were days when I couldn’t decide if I should wear blue, black or gray pants because I honestly thought wearing the wrong colour would ruin my day.

Deciding what to eat would often take hours because my head would go into overdrive, weighing all the options, taking into consideration my diet, my cravings, my budget, what I have or haven’t tried, what’s trending, “what was that place my friend recommended again?”, “let me check Yelp” and so forth.

The luxury of having all these choices was actually a burden for me. Cough…“First World Problems”.

But then as I got older and the more I knew myself, those decisions failed to stress me out.

Indecisiveness isn’t a natural trait of mine but during those years, I let what everyone else was doing influence my decision-making skills and I wasn’t being true to myself.

I have a full-time day job. I’m a mom. I’m a blogger. I have a lot of things going on.

It can be overwhelming and almost every month, I reach a breaking point. But somehow, I manage to get myself together, patch up those loose seams and carry on.

Last summer, I became fed up with that cycle so I asked myself, “What can I do to minimize the build-up so that the breaking points don’t happen?”

Every day, we are exposed to constant streams of information within access to our fingertips, telling us about the magical ways to live happier, healthier and wealthier.

We can’t do everything and we shouldn’t do just anything but we can’t do nothing; therefore, I think it’s important to put a critical lens on all that information and reflect on what actually works for us.

I began thinking about all the self-improvement information that I’ve gathered from workshops, conferences, Ted Talks, podcasts, conversations with friends, co-workers, and family, random articles/videos in my social media feeds etc.

And I distilled all this information into 3 realistic and meaningful practices that I can actually do for myself almost every day. Since following them, I feel like I’ve been more grounded.

I hope sharing my self-care practices will inspire you to wade through that information overflow and filter what resonates with you to help maintain a sense of calm in the sometimes chaotic mess called life.

Also, I’m curious to read this in the future to see how I have evolved.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical expert so please consult your physician before following any of this blindly. Be smart about it, ya know?

Does the word therapy still relate to"crazy people"? Like, "Wow, there must be something seriously wrong with you!"

When I was growing up, the idea of getting help for your mental health was rarely talked about. And when it was discussed, it was usually about a Hong Kong celebrity going to rehab. I'm an Asian mom and I do therapy.

Here are my 3 aha moments/lessons learned during my first session. Asians shouldn't suffer in silence. Mental health matters.

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It's easy to go through the motions of life. The sun rises. The sun sets. Another day. Another night. Rinse and repeat.⁣

⁣

I'm guilty of this. There's just so much to do every day. But instead of measuring our productivity and effectiveness by the number of tasks we've completed, let's measure it by how we are, how we feel, how we present instead⁣.

So instead of to-do lists, you should create this instead. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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What do you do when you have an issue with someone?

Sometimes, it's hard to decide what to do. In this video, I share with you the 4 options you can take when you experience interpersonal conflict. 2 options involve the other person and 2 options involve yourself only.

Fight: Have an open and honest discussion with the other person.
Flight: Cut the person out of your life.
Passive aggression: I don't like you but I'll keep hanging out with you.
Acceptance: Accepting the person for who they are

How do you deal with interpersonal conflict?

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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We all have the same 24 hours in a day.⁣

⁣

What you do with those hours and how you prioritize your time make the difference between someone who gets sht done and someone who doesn't do sht.⁣

⁣

Which one are you?⁣ Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Growing up, I was the nerdy, Asian kid who studied on Friday nights, went to Chinese school on Saturday mornings, practiced piano every day after school.⁣

⁣

I was on a mission. ⁣

⁣

Yeah, it sucked not getting invited to parties, not being popular, getting teased for wearing hand me downs, having to play by myself during recess or lunch when my only friend was away or sick. ⁣

⁣HOWEVER, I'm grateful my mom didn't step in to fight those battles for me because during those moments of being alone and feeling left out gave me the skills to deal with adversity as an adult. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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When you see someone you perceive is struggling...how do you feel?⁣

⁣

It's a natural instinct to offer help. We don't want to watch others suffer. ⁣

⁣

From offering unsolicited advice, money, visiting without being asked etc...if the person receiving it refuses, how do you feel? Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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As an introvert, I enjoy silence (or some light jazz), being by myself with my thoughts, working alone and one on one conversations.⁣

⁣

But when I'm in a group, I've noticed that when conversations lull, I'll try to think of something to ask or talk about. ⁣

⁣

Why do I do it? What's wrong with silence?⁣

⁣

This year, I'm going to work on being more myself in social situations. I enjoy silence by myself. Why not in a group as well? Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Do you ever feel like a warm body at your parents whenever you go see them?

Relationship building with our Asian parents is tough

When you have high expectations...you risk feeling disappointed for not getting what you put in.

When you have low expectations...you risk feeling guilty for not doing enough.

How can we feel neither disappointed nor guilty? Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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You like pizza more than pasta?⁣

⁣

I hate you and I'm never going to understand you.⁣

⁣

OK so there are obviously bigger issues people disagree on. But if we all treated them like a pizza versus pasta conversation, how would that change society?⁣

⁣

Maybe we'd realize why pizza is so important to them enough to develop empathy?⁣ Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Here is a truth about humans: those who are hard on others are harder on themselves.

Ever met someone who is never impressed, constantly disappointed in others and sets unattainable expectations?⁣

⁣

They look for flaws before beauty.⁣

They look for what went wrong before what went right.⁣

⁣

It's not personal. They do that to themselves every day. Don't let their negative paradigm affect what you see in the world. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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When I'm not in a good mood, my appearance reflects that. Making myself look presentable isn't actually for other people. It's for myself.⁣

⁣

The other day, my daughter was watching me put mascara on and asked me why I was doing it. ⁣

⁣

Instead of telling her it's because it makes my eyes bigger or prettier or more awake looking...⁣

⁣

I told her, I enjoy putting it on like it's art...just like when she draws doodles on scratch paper. I also want to share this art with people I will see later on because it makes me feel good. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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If all fleeps are flops and all flops are flips...are all fleeps flips?⁣

⁣

Oh god I always hated those IQ test questions⁣

⁣

Dichotomy, yes or no, good or bad, black or white.⁣

⁣

Are we computers or robots? I thought we were humans.⁣

⁣

Being open-minded comes with experience but only if you don't view those experiences as a one size fits all.⁣

⁣

Lost a fortune investing in stocks? Got your heartbroken trying to meet someone using a dating app? Hated breastfeeding? ⁣

⁣

It doesn't mean everyone is going to have the same outcome as you. Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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From baby boomers to Generations x, y, z.

The older generations think millennials need to stop getting so offended so easily. Millennials think the older generations need to open up and stop holding things in.

No matter what age, gender, socioeconomic status someone is, there will always be differences in opinions.

How can we find the balance between getting too offended and not getting offended enough?⁣

⁣

I don't think there is. ⁣

⁣

It's about appreciating and understanding why someone may have those beliefs, that people have different levels of empathy and self-awareness to be able to communicate their feelings properly when they are offended or have offended others.⁣ Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Two important life lessons I learned from spending an hour at the local Starbucks with my dad.

A Chinese Canadian story that crosses 4 generations, spanning from Hong Kong to Canada.

It’s Friday morning and I’m at my parents’ house working on my blog. My dad’s downstairs doing his thing.

My dad’s a routine guy.

Every Friday, he wakes up at the crack of dawn, has a small bite to eat (usually oatmeal or bread), goes on the treadmill while watching the Chinese morning news, takes a shower, drops a deuce, heads out for coffee, comes home to grab my mom to have dim sum and buy groceries.

Like clockwork…

He’s the early bird and my mom’s the night owl.

Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones or the fact that I’m having a son…but that day, I felt a need to get to know my dad. So I decided to ask him if I could join him for coffee.

Well, that probably sounds easy if your dad’s frickin’ Danny Tanner.

HUGS

My dad and I are like oil and water. Deciding to emulsify that relationship gave me all sorts of anxiety.

“How should I ask him?

What should I say?”

“When should I ask? Before his shower? After his shower? While he’s on the treadmill? When he’s about to go out?”

I’m a grown-ass woman who is secure with her feelings, shows vulnerability and asks for what she wants; however, when it comes to my parents, I still struggle, reverting back to a teenaged version of myself.

Instead of saying,

“Dad, I want to spend some time with you. Let’s go for coffee.”

I ask him,

“Where are you going for coffee? I haven’t had mine yet. Can I come with you to get it?”

During my pregnancies, people said the weirdest things to me.

I came up with a list.

I get it! Pregnant women get attention. They’re signs of hope and the future, restoring faith in humanity. With that attention comes people who say the darndest things.

You see her burgeoning belly, her waddle, her loose, comfortable clothing. She’s carrying a miracle inside her! She’s growing a human. She’s a glowing figure of the future, bringing a bundle of joy to the world.

You want to say something, to ask, to probe, to feed your excitement and curiosity.

But before you utter a single word, remember she’s a person, not a receptacle.

I'm writing this during the last few days of my second pregnancy. The wounds are fresh and the hormones are raging so I hope you enjoy my sarcastic and snarky remarks.

Here are 6 things you should not say to a pregnant woman.

My husband and I love food. We cook 90% of our meals at home. Cooking is such a cathartic experience for me.

From searching for deals in the flyers (ooh kabocha is on sale) to watching my daughter sing her yummy song while munching on her favourite pork side ribs with black bean sauce...the whole process makes me proud to be Chinese-Canadian.

What makes you proud?

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When a friend shares a vulnerable story with you, how do you react? ⁣

⁣

When you share a vulnerable story with a friend, how would you want your friend to react?⁣

⁣

This reaction is different for everyone. Some people want a sounding board. Some people want your presence.⁣

Some people want a hug.⁣

Some people want a fulsome discussion.⁣

⁣

How do you want to be comforted?

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Do you care about brands and accumulating stuff?

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Learning the art of the apology can go a long way with someone, deepening the connection you have with them.⁣

⁣

Some folks want just the words, "I'm sorry."⁣

⁣

Some folks want the words and what you did, "I'm sorry for...."⁣

⁣

And lastly, some folks want the words, what you did and what you're going to do about it, "I'm sorry for....next time I'm going to try..."⁣

⁣

Ask the person closest to you what they like in an apology. Then when you upset them, you'll know what to do.

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Overcoming perfectionism is an ongoing recovery. For those like myself who suffer from this tendency, it’s about constantly reminding yourself that doing things perfectly won’t make you valued.

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Why shouldn't our kids know how much things cost and how much money we make? ⁣

They're going to need to know these things eventually. Why not teach them now?⁣

Money shouldn’t be a taboo topic.

My parents came here with one purpose: to SURVIVE and raise their kids so they could have better opportunities than them

As a family, we knew we couldn’t just spend money on frivolous things.

My dad constantly told me about RRSPs, how much his paycheck went into the mortgage and when and how he’s gonna retire.

My mom was the coupon queen and told us when gas and eggs were cheap, explained how much her paycheck went into our extracurricular activities and always told me to know how to take care of myself financially.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Superhero parents aren’t good parents. I want to let you know that you shouldn’t aim to be a #supermom as the definition of a good parent.

Don’t try to do everything because you can’t. Your #mentalhealth will absolutely suffer.

If you show #compassion and #vulnerability while loving your kids wholeheartedly, you are an amazing parent. Full stop 🛑 .

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"Why can't you be more attentive?"⁣

More patient?⁣

More ambitious?⁣

Have more passion?⁣

More risk-averse?⁣

Better with money?⁣

Better listener?⁣

⁣

Because I'm not you. ⁣

Because I'm not her.⁣

Because I'm not him.⁣

⁣

Because I am me.

If the expectations that we have for ourselves is the same as it is for others, we will live in perpetual disappointment.

Each of us has our own strengths, weaknesses, limitations and abilities.

Some are great communicators. Some are great writers. Some are great task managers. Some are risk-averse. Some are risk-takers. Some are great creators. Some are patient and some are impatient.

Change your expectations.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Age is just a number. ⁣

⁣

"This sh*t" can mean going back to school, starting a business, a new relationship, learning how to garden, attending a music festival, playing video games, trying yoga, backpacking through Europe, training for a triathlon...etc. ⁣

⁣

I honestly believe these experiences aren't age dependent; we just tend to know ourselves more the longer we live and we use age as an excuse not to try new things.⁣

⁣

I've never enjoyed drinking but I did that in my youth because I didn't know myself.⁣

⁣

I've always enjoyed jazz and classical music but I didn't appreciate it until my late 20s and now 30's.

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Everyday we are exposed to constant streams of content and information, telling us the magical ways to live healthier, wealthier and happier. But what is the most important thing about self improvement?

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Wearing your lucky red underwear? Avoiding all the cracks of the sidewalks?⁣

⁣

You should spend your time thinking about how you’re going to reach your goals instead.⁣

ere are no arbitrary rules to follow when it comes to getting what you want. You need to set a goal, create a plan and the most important part is working your ass off to get there.⁣

⁣

Everything I have achieved in life thus far is because I worked hard to get it.⁣

⁣

Every misfortune I have experienced is because life is uncertain. There were no rules that I broke that made the universe hate me.

⁣

tag someone who works hard every day⁣

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Today you are enough and here is why. I remember there were days when my day was ruined because I didn't know the answer to a question that someone was asking me.⁣

⁣

There have been days when I didn't complete my full workout and I thought I was a failure.⁣

⁣

Or days when I check out and don't want to be my positive self around my daughter.⁣

⁣

Or I channel my frustration onto my husband and nitpick everything he's doing.⁣

⁣

I am enough today. I don't need to do more. It's a miracle our bodies do the things they do and it's a day to be grateful it does them.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP (AS PARENTS AND AS THE CHILD)

When I get frustrated with my parents, I really try to understand their perspective.

They grew up differently than me.

Different generations, cultures, social landscape. Their parents did the best they could with them and they did the best they could with me.⁣

⁣

I want to make sure I do the best I can for my daughter. ⁣

⁣

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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Cherish these moments...more like enjoy the good moments and just survive the bad ones when you’re a parent

Have you ever sat down beside a toddler and pretended to be them for 15 minutes?⁣

⁣

It's fascinating how many times you can fill a bucket with sand and then empty it into the box. You become one with the sand. Your hand really appreciates how the little grains feel underneath your fingernails.⁣

⁣

But then, your mind is mush and you're like...wow I need some adult time.⁣

⁣

Tag a mom who needs this right now⁣

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Your values are sacred. It sets the direction in which your life will go.

When someone asks you to go against them, don't give in or your relationship with them will suffer.

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A good marriage is not based on the number of anniversaries

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It’s being at work and feeling guilty about not being at home. Then it’s being at home and feeling guilty about not being at work. The goal of a ‘working mom’ is to balance both the working part and the mom part. ⁣

⁣

When did that become the goal? Why is it about balance? It’s as though when an effort is put into one role, the other role suffers, like a lose-lose situation. ⁣

⁣

Why can’t it be about doing well in each of the roles to the best of our ability given our current state, mentally, emotionally, physically? ⁣

⁣

Who cares about balance? Why not just triple down on what we are damn good at and own who we are? ⁣

⁣

Call me a dreamer, an unrealistic optimist, someone with rose coloured glasses! Perhaps even call me a privileged, entitled Millennial! But f*ck the guilt! I honestly believe that my generation will be the last group of women who will experience ‘working mom’ guilt.

Tag someone who can relate to this⁣

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“It’s called freedom of speech and I’m entitled to my opinion.”

What it means when people say they're "entitled to their opinion

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"I know so and so for over 20 years."⁣

"I'm their mom/dad and I raised them so I know them."⁣

"I'm their child and they raised me so I know them." ⁣

I'm like, "so what?"⁣

⁣

Small talk about the weather or sports makes an acquaintance even when it comes to family. ⁣

⁣

Do you have deep conversations about real stuff? Do you know their hopes, dreams, desires, fears and regrets? Do you know what pinches their values? Do you know how they find joy? What they do when they face challenges? Can you be completely vulnerable with them without fear of judgement? Can they?⁣

⁣

Stop assuming things about someone just because of the formal relationship or the length of time you know someone. Get to know them for real.

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How can we understand the difference between empathy and sympathy? This goes beyond walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

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While getting ideas from friends, family and other blogs for this post, I heard tons of things that felt important to talk about. This could blog post could have easily been called “40 Things Couples Should Absolutely Talk About Before Getting Married“

Some ideas that I read and heard were pretty obvious stuff that gets talked about while two people are dating before marriage comes into the picture.

Then there were topics that made marriage seem like this super scary thing. It was as though if you didn’t know the other person inside and out and how they would deal with every hypothetical situation in the book, you shouldn’t marry them.

A marriage takes effort every day to make it work. It’s about ongoing conversations about things you don’t agree on, leaning on each other during the hard times and constantly checking to see how you’re feeling about each other.

Despite the ongoing work that is needed for a healthy marriage, there are 4 things that every couple should absolutely talk about before getting hitched.

We all want what’s best for our husbands. But when do we become over-responsible for their well-being?

The other day, I came across the term ‘over-functioning’ while browsing through some self-help articles. It’s a type of behaviour where someone manages their anxiety by functioning for others who are completely capable of taking care of themselves.

Some classic examples are backseat driving, giving unsolicited advice and taking over someone’s task because you’re “better at it.”

Before agreeing to marry my husband, we talked about many things to make sure we’re both on the same page. From the decision to have kids to where we should live to our financial affairs, we were transparent with our ‘dirty laundry’ prior to getting hitched.

I told him about my past relationships, what happened with my exes and why they didn’t work out. I vulnerably shared with him the unhealthy behaviours that I exhibited which contributed to the demise of those relationships.

And one of those behaviours was over-functioning.

Growing up as an Asian Canadian, I often felt I needed to prove my English skills worthy to the white folks.

“Your English is pretty good for a Chinese person.”“***Are you sure you don’t want to participate in the school’s ESL (English as a Second Language) program?”

“Do you need a translator**?”*

My pride in not needing ESL I remember all throughout elementary school, I would watch each of my coloured friends enter the ESL program.

While I and the rest of my classmates were given time to work on math or some other assignment, the ESL teacher would come by, pick up 3 or 4 students and return them 45 minutes later.

Each year that I wasn’t picked made me feel like I was “better” than them as though my English skills were “far superior”.

Along with all the other ways I attempted to be white and to desperately fit in, not being an ESL kid meant I belonged. I didn’t want the attention of being pulled out of class. I wanted others to perceive me as someone who didn’t need the extra help, just one of the “normal” white kids.

By the time I finished high school, my confidence in English had skyrocketed. From teachers who consistently praised my writing to winning awards and poetry contests to top marks in English, my ego inflated.

Writing became my passion (it’s gotten me through many hard times) and validation for my talent fed my inherent perfectionist tendencies.

“Science says cursing, cussing, using profanity to express emotions can be a good thing…but what about the children?”

“Their innocent ears and naive brains cannot possibly process the horrendous meaning behind those words.”

“If it’s okay to do so in front of children, then why do movies and TV shows censor foul language or put those warnings up before they start?”

“Monkey see monkey do. Swearing is associated with low-class, uneducated, rule-breaking, rough around the edges type of people. I don’t want my children to be perceived as such.”

So before I delve into this topic, I want to say that swearing is absolutely a personal choice for parents. Whether you do it or not, I totally respect your decision and whatever reasons you have.

Science says swearing can be good for us

Science has shown that using swear words can be an effective way of communicating.

By coupling an emotional response to the sentence, profanity can enhance its meaning, delivering more impact to those who are listening.

What about the children?

As a mom, will I condemn my kids from swearing?

Nope. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let them drop F-bombs whenever and wherever (cue Shakira).

"Why is it so hard to practice gratitude on a daily basis?”⁣

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“I know I need to be grateful but some days I just don’t think there is anything to be grateful about”⁣

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“When life is good, I have all the gratitude in the world. But when it’s crap, it’s hard to see the light.⁣

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Gratitude is easy when life is easy⁣

Practicing gratitude, being grateful, giving thanks…this is what all the happiness experts tell us to do.⁣

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It’s easy to notice the good things in life when everything is going smoothly.⁣

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It’s like imagine you’re at a white person’s Thanksgiving dinner and everyone around the table starts going in a circle, saying what they’re thankful for. It’s your turn but you can’t think of anything so you just come up with something generic.⁣

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“I’m grateful for my family.”⁣

“I’m thankful for my health.”⁣

“I’m grateful for this food.”⁣

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It’s so easy to default to one thing, person or place.⁣

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But when you keep saying the same thing, practicing gratitude becomes a mindless act and you start taking for granted whatever or whoever you’re grateful for.⁣

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I needed a format, a formula, some structure, a cue…something to remind me to practice gratitude as a habit while forcing me to think beyond the few token things.⁣

Sign-up for my free Gratitude Exercise Worksheet --> sumonsleeve.com

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? WHAT A FULFILLING LIFE REALLY MEANS

You’re always a parent but the journey is never the same

There’s no sugarcoating that being a parent is hard work but it’s not complicated. You keep them alive, love them and show them how to be a decent human being, with the best intentions that you got through to them by the time they turn 18.

Ultimately, my role as a mother is permanent but my experiences are temporary and constantly changing. One moment it’s all about getting them to eat broccoli; then the next moment, you’re cleaning puke off the floor.

Everything you worried about months ago doesn’t matter because something new always comes up.

Your resilience is tested time and time again as you continue to care for this little person who will need you less and less.

A fulfilling life needs to include service to others and resilience building

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? ROUTINES AND BOREDOM

How do you deal with the monotonous routine? Isn’t it boring having to do the same thing, every single day?

Yes, the routine can be boring, especially in the beginning for new moms. Change diaper, feed, watch them look around and fall asleep. Repeat.

But the funny thing is that it was during this time when my creative juices got reinvigorated and I started writing again. Boredom isn’t necessarily a bad thing because that’s when you get to think deeply about what you care about, setting goals for what you want in life.

Once babies start talking and making sense, it’s like free entertainment.

Kids are never boring. Kids are the weirdest and most random people I know and seeing things from their eyes changes the perspective you have about the world.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? WHEN THEY GET SICK AND SCARY HEALTH STUFF

What about if they get sick or have an allergic reaction or fall from a tree and break their arm or get diagnosed a medical condition/learning disability/cancer/life-threatening disease where they can’t be out in the sun for more than 30 seconds or they’ll turn to dust like a vampire?

First of all, BREATHE!

I don’t know what I don’t know and I don’t have a crystal ball that tells me what’s going to happen in the next minute.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? TANTRUMS, EMOTIONAL LABOUR, TOUGH TOPICS

What do you do when they whine and have tantrums, especially in the public? It seems so emotionally exhausting!

To be honest, my child’s public tantrums probably bother you more than it bothers me since you’re not used to them.

From breathing techniques, stern lectures, distracting tactics to leaving the situation, I’ve conditioned myself to manage these moments for years.

But it’s still hard and tiring and the emotional rollercoaster changes as your kid changes.

A mom with grown kids once told me this:

“Little kids, many little problems. Big kids, fewer little problems but more big problems.”

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? TIME, SPACE AND PRIVACY FOR YOURSELF

How do you make time for yourself? Aren’t they always in your space? Does it seem like you can’t even have an adult conversation without being interrupted?

We all have commitments (job, husband, wife, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, ageing parents, deadbeat brothers, failure to launch sisters, pet cat, pet dog, your pet iguana, volunteer work, business, job, side hustle etc.).

So I’d ask you the same question: how do you make time for yourself?

Prioritizing ourselves, practicing self-care and self-growth are things everyone should strive to do.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? COSTS, EXPENSES, AFFORDABILITY

Kids are so expensive. How are you able to afford them?

Yes, it costs money to raise children. I’m definitely not denying that.

But the affordability piece is unique to the individual making the decision.

I’m neither a millionaire nor am I broke. I can afford to have them because I make having them affordable.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? KID STUFF, CLUTTER, CLEANING

How do you deal with all that kid stuff shit in your house? You must be constantly cleaning!

It’s called managing expectations, letting go and not caring about what others think.

No matter how hard you try to minimize the sheer amount of shit you accumulate as a parent, you can’t control it.

From gifts, hand me downs, practical items you needed to buy for those first years to all those random crafts your kid makes, eventually you will get rid of them.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? FOOD, EATING, COOKING, GOING OUT TO RESTAURANTS

Do you get to go out to eat? What do they eat? Do you have to cook all the time and buy everything organic?

Yes, I get to eat out but do I get to go to any restaurant I want?

Nope.

Pubs, bars, fine dining aren’t exactly kid-friendly and there’s a lot of planning involved when you want a date night with your partner (at least until the kids can stay at home by themselves).

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU GET TO SLEEP?

Here’s the part where I can give some insight into being a parent, the good, the bad and the ugly.

When I talk to women who are on the fence about having kids, they often want me to confirm or deny things they’ve heard or seen. And almost always, I’ll answer, “It depends.”

Do you even get to sleep?

Yes, I get to sleep. Some nights are good and some nights are tough; but doesn’t everyone have trouble sleeping?

From snoring, sleep apnea, insomnia, sleep deprivation, to restless legs syndrome, these issues are common for everyone whether they’re parents or not.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? UNFINISHED BUSINESS AND LIVING YOUR DREAMS

Don’t have kids because you want to live your dreams through them

From taking over the family’s business to pressuring him to be a professional hockey player to forcing her to keep applying to medical school, whatever you messed up in life doesn’t mean your child is responsible to right your wrongs.

FYI: your child would have their own identity just like you do

If you think you can control your child’s identity and all their life choices, you really shouldn’t have kids.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? SOCIAL PRESSURE

Don’t have kids just because someone is pressuring you to.

“You’re 35 and still don’t have kids?”

“I can’t be with you unless we have a baby.”

“How long have you guys been married? Have some damn kids already!”

“I want to be a grandma/grandpa before I die.”

“Kids are so worth it. You’re missing out!”

Your partner, parents, sister, brother, best friend, the news, some article written by a crazy person, a random family member you see once a year etc.

If someone is guilt-tripping you or giving you an ultimatum that makes you feel like you’re backed into a corner, it doesn’t mean you should have a kid.

What do YOU want?

Have kids for your own reasons, not someone else’s.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? FITTING IN AND FEELING LEFT OUT

Reasons why you should and shouldn’t have kids

Don’t have kids just because you want to fit in.

Is everyone you know having kids? And you feel left out?

Following what everyone else is doing is what our parents and our grandparents’ generations did because they feared judgement and embarrassment for going against the social norm. There was a lot more pressure to procreate.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? HAVING KIDS AND HAPPINESS

Reasons why you should and shouldn’t have kids

Don’t have kids because you want to fill a void, hoping they will make you happy.

It’s like when you get into a relationship with someone, you absolutely cannot expect them to be your source of happiness, always depending on them to make you feel better.

We are in charge of our own happiness and it’s up to you to take action and live a fulfilling life.

With or without kids, you’re still going to have to continually work on your mental, emotional and physical well-being. And working on ourselves is a tough thing to do whether you’re a parent or not.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? A GUIDED SELF REFLECTION EXERCISE

How to know yourself and your ‘Why’

Here are some questions to help guide you in figuring out whether having kids is something you want to pursue.

Whatever answers you give need to be true to you and aligned to your values and only yours.

SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? MORE MILLENNIAL WOMEN AREN'T

“Should I have kids? Maybe if I meet a guy who wants them but for now, nope.”

“I don’t want my life to change right now but that stupid biological clock is ticking.”

“Parenting seems so hard and tiring but then why do all these people do it?”

“I’m on the fence; I think I’d be happy either way.”

“Blargh…why do I even have to make choice?”

Parents will never know how it feels to not be parents (and vice versa)

First of all, I’m going to attempt to be as objective and non-partisan as possible in this article.

However, I am a mom (currently 6 months pregnant with a 3-year-old running around in my living room); so obviously, I’ve made my decision.

I will never know how it feels to not have children.

And someone who did not have children will never know how it feels to have them.

So I’d suggest you read a childless person’s blog on this after you’ve read mine.

Just because I decided to have kids doesn’t mean I think everyone should, that it’s the greatest and most wonderful thing in the world and all women should vacate their uteruses or get adoption papers ready to experience this joy.

Let’s not sugarcoat it…dating sucks. To help you change your mindset, here are MY LAST 6 Brutally Honest Dating Tips That Will Make You Say “Damn, You’re Right.”

Dating is like the epitome of your ego going into a Gladiator ring, with no armour, just your naked ass, putting yourself out there for an uncertain number of people to judge you, hoping it doesn’t get beaten to a bloody pulp.

With every disappointing date, every “ghost”, every “rejection”, every “catfish”, every broken heart, you toughen up a bit, get smarter, protect yourself by putting on more armour.

You can’t get hurt if you don’t show your vulnerabilities right?

But then the whole purpose of dating is to find someone to share your life with.

How can you do that if you’ve closed yourself off to the point where someone can’t see the real you?

It can seem like a catch-22.

The key is to view dating as a learning experience and not let your ego into the ring. It’s about finding what you need, want and deserve so that you become laser-focused when dating.

Want some bonus tips to kick you into gear so you can finally stop being single? Sign-up now for my FREE 4-DAY COURSE. Let’s get brutally honest!

Let’s not sugarcoat it…dating sucks.

To help you change your mindset, here are 9 MORE Brutally Honest Dating Tips That Will Make You Say “Damn, You’re Right.”

Dating is like the epitome of your ego going into a Gladiator ring, with no armour, just your naked ass, putting yourself out there for an uncertain number of people to judge you, hoping it doesn’t get beaten to a bloody pulp.

With every disappointing date, every “ghost”, every “rejection”, every “catfish”, every broken heart, you toughen up a bit, get smarter, protect yourself by putting on more armour.

You can’t get hurt if you don’t show your vulnerabilities right?

But then the whole purpose of dating is to find someone to share your life with.

How can you do that if you’ve closed yourself off to the point where someone can’t see the real you?

It can seem like a catch-22.

The key is to view dating as a learning experience and not let your ego into the ring. It’s about finding what you need, want and deserve so that you become laser-focused when dating.

Let’s not sugarcoat it…dating sucks.

To help you change your mindset, here are 9 Brutally Honest Dating Tips That Will Make You Say “Damn, You’re Right.”

Dating is like the epitome of your ego going into a Gladiator ring, with no armour, just your naked ass, putting yourself out there for an uncertain number of people to judge you, hoping it doesn’t get beaten to a bloody pulp.

With every disappointing date, every “ghost”, every “rejection”, every “catfish”, every broken heart, you toughen up a bit, get smarter, protect yourself by putting on more armour.

You can’t get hurt if you don’t show your vulnerabilities right?

But then the whole purpose of dating is to find someone to share your life with.

How can you do that if you’ve closed yourself off to the point where someone can’t see the real you?

It can seem like a catch-22.

The key is to view dating as a learning experience and not let your ego into the ring. It’s about finding what you need, want and deserve so that you become laser-focused when dating.

The more you know yourself, the more you know who you want as a life partner.

What are the wants when trying to find a life partner? This is the spice that makes you and the other person about being lovers instead of friends.

I go through some questions, examples to help you self-reflect and figure out your wants when finding a life partner.

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What are the needs when trying to find a life partner?

These are your values, reflecting on your moral compass, ethics and spiritual/religious beliefs.

I go through some questions, examples to help you figure out your needs.

♥ Let's CONNECT!

♥ INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/SumOnSleeve

♥ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/SumOnSleeve

How can we make sure our children understand and practice gratitude?

It’s about going beyond getting them to recite the words, ‘Thank you.’

A stranger holds the door for you…

Your mom babysits so you have can have a date night with your partner…

Your sister gives you that book you’ve been dying to read…

Your coworker says your new haircut looks fabulous…

What do we say?

Thank you.

Why do we say those words?

Maybe they fly out of your mouth without thought?

It’s a habit like how when you go to the theatre and the cashier tells you to enjoy the show as they hand you your ticket and you say, “Thanks, you too.” But then you’re like wait a sec…

Maybe you’ve been taught since you were little that it’s impolite not to say it? Your parents would scold you every time you didn’t?

It’s like you get a little electric shock every time someone does something or buys something for you and you have to utter those two words.

Or maybe you don’t want others to think you’re ungrateful and unappreciative?

How do you make sure you make great friends instead of toxic ones?

Here are 3 signs to look for when making new friends.

So in part 1, I shared the 3 signs that I watch for in myself when I think I’m becoming a toxic friend.

In part 2 of my toxic friendship series, I’ll share with you how I manage these behaviours.

Here is part 1 of my 3 part series on Toxic Friendships:

Ah, toxic friends. From Clueless to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl (is it Pretty Little Liars now?)…

Do they only appear in the teenage years?

No.

These appear through to adulthood, from college/university to the workplace to motherhood to old age (who’s a better grandma?)

If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably thinking:

“I want to learn how to recognize toxic friends and avoid them.” It’s them…not me. I’m a perfect friend.”

But here’s a newsflash.

Anyone can become a toxic friend, including yourself, especially when we are down and struggling and the world seems like it’s against us, nothing is going our way. Because life is hard and shit happens.

The best way to identify whether someone is toxic is to be self-aware of your own toxic behaviours and tendencies.

You’ll have a better sense of when a friend is acting toxic and you will understand why they are acting that way since you’ve recognized that in yourself.

I’d like to say I’m always a good friend but I’m not.

I’m human and there are days when I’m not the best person to hang out with.

I can be spiteful, harsh, snappy, jealous, negative and incredibly judgemental.

Here are 3 signs that I watch in myself so that I’m mindful of when I’m starting to become toxic.

You can’t seem to get through to your 20 something or 30 something-year-old “kid”. They don’t want to talk to you.

At family dinner, they’re on their phones, not much eye contact or they’ll bark one-word answers, possibly roll their eyes at you and scoff every time you make a comment.

They eat your food and then leave.

Or maybe they even ran away from home and don’t even talk to you.

You didn’t raise your son or daughter to be so disrespectful.

You’re an elder and why can’t they respect your wisdom.

You’re doling out unsolicited advice left, right and centre, and your kid just won’t listen to you.

I mean obviously, you know what’s best for them.

You raised them, you fed them, you uprooted your entire life from your home country so they could have a better life than you.

And your kids are just ungrateful, spoiled little North American brats who didn’t suffer through what you suffered through back home.

Okay newsflash, Uncle or Auntie…you don’t get it. In order to start having a relationship with your kid, I want you to listen to me very carefully.

Here are 3 things you need to do:

Did you fired or did you quit?

Did he break with you? Or did you break up with him?

Did she unfriend/unfollow you first? Or did you?

How much you care about the answers to these questions depends on your ego.

How much you judge someone for how they answer these questions is how hard you judge yourself when a relationship ends for you.

Because what is the ultimate outcome of each these questions?

It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom, whether leaving a job was by choice or not.

The relationship ended.

Everyone’s heard of the saying, “one door closes, another door opens.”

It’s not anything new but I want to expand on that.

Like a Hotel.

I’m hoping THIS analogy will help you change your mindset will help you get over a relationship that ended or give you the courage to end a relationship that you know you should end.

Hotel of romantic relationships.

Hotel of jobs.

Hotel of friendships.

When the door closes, it doesn’t matter if you closed the door or if someone closed the door for you.

It’s closed.

Now, where are you? The lobby.

Depending on your mindset after the door closed, this lobby can be a shitty one like the Motel 6 with a broken vending machine and a creepy dude behind the counter or a fancy one like Shangri La.

You can stay in the lobby as long as you want and recover, read some books, get some snacks, go to the gym, or get a massage.

When you’re ready, you can start looking for the types of rooms you’d like to stay in. (ie enter the dating scene, find a job, make friends)

OR you don’t even have stay at that hotel.

You can leave those big shiny doors to the open world and do something else.

Don’t want to start dating again? Don’t. The Hotel of Relationships will always be there.

Have enough money saved to do some traveling? Do it.

Always wanted to open up an Etsy shop and sell your sock puppets? Do that. Screw the Hotel of jobs.

Therefore, it doesn’t matter how a relationship ends, it’s how you start your next chapter that determines where you go in life.

So think of it as a hotel and perhaps this mindset will help you get over a relationship that ended or give you the courage to end a relationship that you know you should end.

Which hotel are you currently focusing on?

Let me know in the comments below.

What are the excuses that you give yourself when you think no one likes you?

Do you want to give up on finding someone to share your life with?

Do you think you should be alone because you don’t deserve to be with someone?

But then you feel jealous and bitter when you see a couple walking down the street?

Or you hear your best friend is getting married and you want the same?

I’ve felt this way too many times when I was dating.

Dating is extremely hard on our self-esteem and self-confidence.

You’re putting your whole self out there for someone to judge. It makes you question who you are.

But take this as a learning opportunity. The more you get yourself out there, the more you know yourself.

With every failed date, there is a silver lining which is strengthening the most important relationship that we have in life.

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

Life isn’t complicated.

Humans and their human stuff make it complicated.

And that’s what we do with everything.

Like dating. We get all messed up and can’t think straight.

I’m here to simplify it for you.

When you go on a date, it can only play out in the following ways:

1. You like them but they don’t like you

Do they never seem to like you but you like them?

Do you really like them?

Why do you like them so much?

Do all these people provide what you want, need and deserve out of a relationship?

2. They like you but you don’t like them

Are they always texting you back but you’re turned off?

Are you picking the wrong people to date?

Why don’t you like them?

What’s the common theme of their characters that makes them unlikable?

3. You both don’t like each other

Is it this unspoken feeling where you both are apathetic about whether you text each other back?

What made you both so incompatible?

4. You both like each other

Do you like them and they’re responding mutually to you?

Then keep dating and keep meeting up. See where it takes you.

Think about the last 4 people that you dated. Which categories did they fit in? Which outcome do you always seem to get?

When I was dating, I experienced all 4 of these.

And obviously, the first outcome is the worst feeling in the world. I mean talk about hurt egos.

I remember this one guy, on our first date, he brought a friend along without letting me know. And then he kept trying to get me to drink even though I told him I don’t like to drink. I mean, those are some red flags but for some reason, I still liked him. After our second date, he stopped responding to my texts and I was devastated.

But recovering from my hurt feelings, I realized there’s an obvious reason why these guys didn’t like me back.

And it came down to what I wanted, needed and deserved from a relationship.

I needed a guy who was confident in being who he was (without a sidekick) and someone who was considerate of me. He was neither and I only liked him because I wasn’t being true to myself.

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

Here’s an easy self-reflection exercise you can do to know yourself better and increase self-awareness.

Pick a simple decision and ask yourself WHY 5 times.

When I was in grade 6, there was this thing called “Student of the Week”.

Each week, a kid would do a short presentation about themselves, like their favourite food, music, colour etc.

You know…as a way to teach a kid how to speak in front of the group and get to know each other.

Anyway, at the end of the presentation, the classmates could raise their hands and ask questions.

There was always some clown who would ask, “why do you like pizza?” and then the kid would answer..and then the clown would ask, “why?”

So when it was my turn, I was freaking ready with all the answers. I said I liked swimming.

Why?

I liked the water.

Why?

Because I like to float.

Why?

Because it’s fun

After 3 whys, the class clown gave up.

But that exercise makes you really think about a decision that you’ve made in the past and why we made it.

So many times, we make decisions we either make them impulsively without thought or we overanalyze and became paralyzed thinking we will make the wrong decision.

But if it’s a decision you’ve made already, what’s done is done and the exercise makes you self-reflect, discover new things about yourself so you know yourself.

The more you know yourself, the more self-aware you are, the more you live with intention, finetune what you want in life, and live your life with purpose.

Why did I have a kid?

Because I want to help improve the next generation.

Why?

Because I think I have a lot to give.

Why?

Because I suffered from self-harm and depression as a teenager and thought there was no purpose to life.

Why?

Because I was trying to be perfect all the time.

Why?

Because maturity and following rules were valued.

Why?

Because my parents valued it.

By going through this process, it’s really validating and justifies the decision that I made.

PLUS, I learned some new things about myself.

What decisions have you made recently?

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

When I started telling people about my blog, one of the first questions was,

“Have you gotten negative comments?

Have there been mean comments? Met any trolls?

Anyone say shit about you?”

And my answer is YES. Obviously.

But there are two categories: comments that are actually thought provoking and/or helpful AND comments that are intentionally hurtful.

The ones that are actually helpful are easy to address.

For instance, I had someone correct me on the translation of oil fried rail and oil fried ghost.

Another person directed me to some articles to help give me context to what I was writing about.

The ones that are just intentionally hurtful.

What did I do at that moment?

I locked my phone and took a moment to digest that information.

This was the first time I had someone write that about me.

They were pinching my values.

But then like as quickly as I locked that phone, my empathy skills activated.

That is THEIR opinion. And that opinion’s predicated on their experiences, their views on the world and their lack of acceptance must make it really hard to be them.

Change happens all the time.

The world is made up of so many different people and I would hate to be in this person’s position, always fearful of things that don’t fit in their definition of what is appropriate.

So my golden rule is:

Respect other peoples’ opinions but don’t always value them.

Everyone’s a judge. Everyone’s going to have an opinion of you.

Judging others is a natural function of humans; we inherited it from our ancestors to observe, assess, form opinions as a way to filter out, non-likeminded individuals.

Back in the day, assimilation was the key to survival and this is threatened when there is unfamiliarity

That part of our instincts is still there so we judge.

And we will always judge one another.

But the most important and the one judge you absolutely have to listen to is the one in your head.

Because it will determine where you will go in life, whether you will achieve what’s in your mind, and fulfill the needs of the heart.

We are our own worst critic. We see our own flaws before anyone else.

Let’s change it to “We are our own most crucial critic”.

The opinions we have of ourselves is what drives our self-esteem, our self-awareness, our confidence, our capacity to love to show compassion and be vulnerable.

Did you find this helpful? Let me know in the comments below

“How did an INTROVERTED, ASIAN CANADIAN MILLENNIAL who grew up with traditional, immigrant parents find her husband online with ZERO dating experience?”

In 2013, I ended an 8-year long relationship and entered the ‘scary’ online dating world for the first time.

I was a nervous little lamb going out into the big, bad world. I had all these thoughts in my head:

… What am I supposed to talk about?

… What do I wear?

… What pictures should I put up?

… How do I even start?

I was nervous but I took the plunge and signed up for ONLINE DATING!

… Swipe Left

… Swipe Right

… I got ghosted (Want to meet up? crickets)

… I got catfished (Let’s Skype? excuses after excuses)

… Some guys didn’t make a move at all (Handshake)

… A guy brought his friend along to our first date (WTF?)

It was frustrating!

I got fed up so I sat down and did some DEEP SELF-REFLECTION and hit the RESET BUTTON.

I managed to meet my husband after 3 months.

Crazy eh?

HOW?

In this podcast, I share the only THREE THINGS you need to do in order to start finding someone to share your life with.

So let’s get brutally honest about dating.

What’s something you absolutely need in a life partner?

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

I met my husband online back in 2013 and lately, I’ve noticed a lot of people complaining about the online dating scene. WHAT’S GOING ON?

What has this technology done to our generation?

HAS IT ABUSED US? SHOULD WE BLAME IT?

OR HAVE WE BEEN ABUSING IT? AND WE SHOULD BE BLAMING OURSELVES?

In this podcast, I talk about what technology has done to our generation in our pursuit of love and why we need to stop blaming it for our problems. I get raw and real about making human connections.

Have you ever done the swipe robot thing?

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

I share how an embarrassing and devastating moment as a kid taught me my life lesson about competition.

Let’s change the definition of competition.

Growing up, I was a very competitive kid. I remember when I was in grade 4, I was a fast runner. I competed in the 200m dash. I got first place in the semi-finals and got to go to the regionals.

I was pumped, excited, looking at the people around me like “I got this”.

Bang, we’re off!!!

I couldn’t catch up. Those kids were faster than me.

What’s going on?

I came in 7th and I was completely devastated. Right after, a boy comes by and calls me a slowpoke. I was so disappointed in myself that I took words to heart and never wanted to run again.

Until high school when I started running as a way to clear mind and recover from self-destructive behaviour. I ran with a deeper purpose, to feel my lungs burn, to feel those legs work, to feel the wind brush my ears, to feel my heart pound and to feel alive.

My view of running changed and it taught me a life lesson about competition.

I get competition. We watch events where there are winners and losers. Shortest time. Highest score. Most likes. Most shares.

But wherever we stand on the Podium, the people beside us should only be the reflection of ourselves. Life isn’t about competing with others and trying to be better than someone else. It’s taking what that someone else has and using their story to inspire us to learn and grow in our own life journey.

So let’s compete with ourselves, finding ways to be happier, conquering our fears to be more resilient, aiming to reach a state of equanimity.

Let’s change the definition so that we don’t get stuck behind someone who is better than us.

What does healthy competition mean to you?

What’s something your’e going to start competing with yourself?

Let me know in the comments below

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

Let’s talk about control.

As a recovering perfectionist, the moment I hit my first rock bottom at the age of 16, I realized it was my fear of losing control that made me resort to destructive behaviours such as disordered eating and self-harm. It was as though the power I had over how much or little food I ate and how much pain I inflicted on myself justified the lack of control I had over people.

This life lesson taught me that we can’t control other people.

We can’t control if other people are smarter, have more money, are taller, prettier, talented etc than me.

We can’t control what they say to us, what their beliefs and values are, their perception of who we are. They do they.

However, we can control ourselves, our actions and reactions to people. We don’t like what someone says to us. We can control how we want to respond, how we process that information, how we physically and emotionally react to those words

.

And we have the power to control our own expectations.

We can control what standards we want to meet and we can control how high or low we want them to be at.

We have the authority to adjust them within a second’s notice. That change in mindset will empower you to take control of your life. You should never fear losing control because controlling yourself is something you can never lose.

What’s something you want to take control over in your life?

Leave in the comments below.

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, let me know below!

Growing up as an Asian Canadian, comparing one kid to another was the norm.

Who’s doing better in school? Who got fatter? Who is better at xyz?

And when you grow up with this mentality like myself, your self-esteem can become fragile because it all depends on how you compare to the person beside you.

So if you ever feel like you’re not enough because someone else is better, please listen to me.

No one in this world has your experience, your history, your story. No one is you! Your mom’s egg (which only gets released once a month…if maybe) and your dad’s single sperm (out of 200 million) came together and it’s a freaking miracle YOU were created.

For those who have struggled to conceive, you know what I’m talking about.

There will always be people who are better off than you. There will always be people who are worst off than you.

Look up for a moment from your phone if you’re in a public a place, see that guy or girl waiting in line, crossing the street, waiting for the bus…whatever, they may or may not be having a better day than you.

You have your own unique set of skills and abilities, strengths and weaknesses, values and beliefs. You may share some of these things with another person but the combination is what makes you who you are.

So stop comparing yourself to others.

Listen to this if you’ve ever felt like you weren’t enough.

Because you actually are!

What were you compared for as a kid? Were you the better kid or the one that needed improving?

If you have any ideas for topics you’d like me to talk about, leave in the comments below!

“I’m not scared; I’m just not motivated to start my goals right now.”

“I’ll start my diet on Monday.”

“Watching Netflix on a Friday night is way more fun than going out and meeting someone.”

“I don’t have time to work out.”

“Paying off that student loan can wait; these shoes cannot. YOLO!”

I’m going to be straight up with you.

Lack of time, motivation, energy, YOLO, FOMO etc are merely excuses that you use to prevent yourself from achieving your goals.

And excuses are fantastic disguises for your deepest fears.

“You can’t use those words to describe that culture unless you belong to that culture…because then you can use whatever words you want right?”

“Oh you can’t say that word; it’s politically incorrect.”

“You better do or say this or you’ll offend their culture.”

“We don’t use the hyphen when we identify our culture. We’re Chinese Canadians, not Chinese-Canadians.”

I’ve been on the receiving end of racism and cultural insensitivity. And the worst came from someone who shared the same ethnicity and many aspects of my culture as me.

“It’s called freedom of speech and I’m entitled to my opinion.”⁣

“I say what I want when I want.”⁣

“I don’t care what you think. That’s just how I feel.”⁣

⁣Our parents, teachers, and the media shoving “Because I said so” down our throats is making us sh*t “Because I’m entitled to my opinion.“⁣

⁣We’ve become reactive beings who form opinions based on our emotional responses without connecting them to our values, beliefs and history.⁣

⁣We see or hear something that triggers a positive feeling (like joy, gratitude, love, excitement, freedom, hope, purpose..etc), we instantly “like” it and file that in our “approved” box of opinions.⁣

⁣We see or hear something that triggers a negative feeling (such as anger, frustration, guilt, fear, anxiety…etc), we immediately “dislike” it, put an angry face or mean comment and file that in our “unapproved” box of opinions.⁣

⁣And before we have a moment to self-reflect on that strong emotion, we are already scrolling down, swiping left or moving onto the next topic of interest.⁣

⁣We’ve become dichotomous with our opinions because we have stopped asking ourselves why and we have made it socially unacceptable to do so. ⁣

Money, money, money...MONEY

This is at the top of almost everyone's minds.

How can we get more of it? How can we save it? How can we use it to our advantage?

Listen to Part 2 of 2 where Brian C Chung (Real Estate Consultant, Chartered Accountant) share his 3 tips to increase your financial literacy knowledge on managing money, saving and investing.

Money, money, money...MONEY

This is at the top of almost everyone's minds.

How can get more of it? How can get save it? How can we use it to our advantage?

Listen to Part 1 of 2 where Brian C Chung (Real Estate Consultant, Chartered Accountant) share his 3 tips to increase your financial literacy knowledge on managing money, saving and investing.

3 SIGNS TO WATCH FOR WHEN IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

Many people question how long-distance relationships work and whether they’re worth it.

If you are dealing with a long-distance relationship and curious if it’s working, watch this video to learn about 3 signs of a healthy long-distance relationship.

Long-distance relationships have been on the rise ever since good “old” technology has gotten more and more sophisticated over the years.

From video chatting, social media, to meet-up apps, there is an infinite number of ways to find love and maintain the relationship while being physically apart.

In addition, globalization of career paths (“Sure, I’ll move to the London office for a year to start up that new department.”) and an increasing number of “digital nomads” where travelling is a way of life have made starting romantic relationships a worldly endeavor.

When we hear that someone’s partner lives outside the country, no one bats an eye.

“Oh we see each other the last weekend of every month and it’s been like that for the past 3 years.”

As someone who doesn’t have much experience with long-distance relationships, I reached out to my friend, Jane Fang (Authentic Energy) for her knowledge and expertise on long-distance relationships.

She’s been in one where it didn’t work out; however, she’s also experienced one where it did. She recently married to her long-distance boyfriend.

Here are her 3 signs of a healthy and working long-distance relationship

What are your tips if you’ve been or are in a long-distance relationship?

Let me know in the comments below.

Imagine your Asian parents holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out on the couch.

Cringe, shudder, gross.

I grew up with the kind of parents that barely touched. How has that affected my views on physical affection and parenting?

I can't believe it's been a year since Crazy Rich Asians came out in theaters

During that time, my husband and I were able to get away and have a date night.

Oh just one of those things couples should do every now and then especially when they’re busy AF as parents).

The hype around Crazy Rich Asians got to me. As mentioned before, I’m not one of those people who fall prey to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). But I had to support my Asian brothers and sisters to contribute to its success.

There were 3 moments that made my face twitch aside from the jaw-dropping, eyes-wide expression of wonderment that I held most of the movie.

Spoilers Alert

So parents or parents-to-be, do you ever hear that piece of advice, “Cherish these moments while your children are still young because, in a blink of an eye, they’ll be all grown up”

I’ll admit I’ve said something like this to other parents a bunch of times without even thinking about it.

I want you to know that it's totally okay to take a moment for yourself, check your phone, drink that coffee, read that page in your book. You're not going to miss everything.

So to those who tell me to savour these moments, rest assured, I already do.

Although I’ve met bullies at all ages, it’s when you’re a kid that you’re the most vulnerable, where the hate hurts the most, and horrible, unnecessary crap happens.

Here are 2 true stories of myself standing up to bullies as a kid.

It’s my time to reflect on those sometimes annoying, mandatory Chinese family dinners growing up and how they’ve changed as I got older.

Momsomnia, restless nights, insomnia, broken sleep. Why can’t we just go to sleep and wake up all refreshed?

At this time, I’d say 80% of the time, my daughter sleeps through the night. However, I’ve only slept through the night 20% of the time.

Why?

“Momsomnia”.

I’ve heard of this before from other moms. I remember my mom telling me how she’d lose sleep worrying about us and I just assumed she’s a worrywart.

Here are 5 natural ways that have been helping my “Momsomnia”. I still have sleepless nights but at least I have some tools in my toolbelt for when that happens.

I’m an introvert and I don’t like small talk.

I don’t take pleasure in chatting about the weather, news, sports, the condos they’re building down the street and other miscellaneous topics.

So what do introverts want to talk about?

Breastfeeding stressed me out. It was tiring and lonely. It was a mental game that I played with myself every day.

So I exclusively breastfed my daughter 2 weeks shy of 6 months. I completely weaned her on my birthday as a gift to myself.

It was one of the HARDEST things I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I’d say those first weeks were pure torture, physically, emotionally and mentally.

During the first 8 weeks, I dreaded every feed, all 10-12 of them each day.

I asked for help. I got help.

I had my latch checked by a bunch of folks.

I saw a breastfeeding consultant.

I went to community mom support groups.

I weighed and measured her length every other day to validate my efforts.

Then miraculously at the end of the 8 weeks, it became the norm. Her milk drunk face was my highlight at the end of every feed.

Here is my real and raw journey in breastfeeding.

I was browsing my Twitter and I saw a post from novelist, Celeste Ng sharing her essay in The Cut about being harassed for marrying a non-Asian man.

I am a Chinese-Canadian woman married to a Chinese-Canadian man and we have a daughter. So as the acronym goes, we are AFAM (Asian Female, Asian Man).

As our daughter grows up, I want her to feel confident in choosing whoever she wants to date, figuring out what she needs, wants and deserves in a relationship, communicating with her partner with honesty and respect, trusting her instincts, and standing up for what’s right.

I know I cannot control how society evolves as polarized as it may become. And obviously, I cannot control who she falls for (and who she doesn’t fall for).

And one of these stories is sharing with her why I married her dad, explaining that it was not about racial purity or to prevent “cultural genocide” but rather it was for a simple, tried-and-true concept called love.

In my life, I’ve been called many things.

Growing up in the 90s in a predominantly Caucasian community, I got the usual questions and comments.

We’ve come a long way since then and I’m fortunate I grew up at the tail end of much worst times. So I’ve been a victim of racism but I’ve also been called a racist. Let me explain.

Ah, toxic girlfriends. From Clueless to Mean Girls to Gossip Girl (is it Pretty Little Liars now?), do these only appear in the teenage years?

No.

These appear through to adulthood, from college/university to the workplace to motherhood to old age (who’s a better grandma?).

Granted, a lot of that nastiness starts in high school and I think some women just never learned their lesson.

I wish my mom was able to guide me during this time but friendships and relationships weren’t exactly dinner table topics.

So as a record for my daughter (and for anyone else who values good friendships), here are some of my own lessons.

When you want your kid to grow up tough enough to face the world but you don’t want to become your parents…What do you do?

Growing up with Asian parents, we were often taught that perseverance and hard work were the keys to success and that nothing is easy when it comes to reaching our goals.

These values hold close to my heart because I believe that in order to achieve our goals, it takes effort, grit, courage and a ton of discipline to stay motivated, especially when we face setbacks, challenges and disappointments.

I know firsthand how it feels to put so much pressure on yourself that suicide becomes an option when you lose control, fail and can’t manage the disappointment and shame of not meeting one’s unrealistic expectations.

So I sit on a fence.

How translating for your immigrant parents actually makes you more emotionally intelligent

Have you ever seen an Asian mom and her kid at a restaurant and the kid is ordering for the both of them in perfect English and then confirming it with his/her mom in their native language?

I was that kid and still am.

How has that affected me as an adult and as a mom?

For me, the first year of motherhood was all about survival, keeping my head above water and recovering from a lost sense of identity:

Is being a mom the only role I’ll have from now on?

Will my boobs ever go back to normal?

What happened to my independence?

My second year was all about managing schedules, efficient timelines, ticking boxes, getting things done in a short period of time, constantly shifting gears between work and home. (Let’s go, go, go…get it done)

And during this year, I unknowingly began accumulating all these mental notes.

My brain was drowning in mental notes, composing a Rachmaninoff-like melody that got more chaotic with each passing day.

It was at this time when the comic, “You should’ve asked” appeared in my Facebook feed. After reading it, I felt better about my situation.

It’s validating to know why I’m feeling this way (genetics, society, culture, environment…etc.) and that I’m not the only one.

The first step to solving any issue is acknowledging that I have one and then understanding it.

But then what? I don’t like this feeling. What can I do within my control to change this?

Have you ever been to a Coach outlet? Or an Aritzia sale? Who do you see? What are stereotypical Asians obsessed about?

Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton…Purses, sunglasses, clothes, shoes, cars…stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Materialism is rampant across all cultures; however, Asians have been stereotyped as being extremely materialistic. This perception is blatantly demonstrated in Kevin Lee’s web show Ultra Rich Asian Girls.

In this episode, I share with you my own materialistic journey and how it's affected my parenting style.

The quiet, submissive Japanese businesswoman; the self-sacrificing, man-pleasing Chinese wife; the docile, needy Korean female international student.

Whenever I hear these stereotypes, I first cringe in disgust knowing that these are some people’s fantasies; then, a wave of anger hits me like a ton of bricks, mad about the misconception media has played in creating them.

I am an Asian woman.

But I am not those Asian women.

I am a feminist who voices her opinions.

I am a strong and independent Asian woman.

I am a thought leader.

I am educated.

I am empowered.

I am a mother who fights for her rights.

I believe all women would have the same reaction to these stereotypes.

For most of my life, I believed if I expressed myself authentically, making decisions that aligned with my values, having faith in society to shun discrimination, then no one would dare put me in a box.

However, when I had my daughter, it made me think critically about why Asian female stereotypes are formed, how they’ve affected me and why I need to be more active in dispelling them.

Because at the end of the day, I feel hopeful there is a future for my daughter where no preconceived assumptions are made about who she is based on her gender and/or race. And it starts with all of us, saying something.

First of all, I don’t judge a parent for sharing pictures of their kids on social media.

It’s a personal choice and ultimately, it’s what works for their family.

I don’t know how many photos and videos I have of my daughter but I know there are a lot. Like other new parents, everything our kid does, it’s like freaking Christmas.

Holy crap, she burped.

OMG, she’s got a snot bubble.

Awww, she’s falling asleep while eating.

Wow, she rolled over.

Gotta catch em’ all!

It’s hard not to share the excitement with the rest of the world. I mean, we all think our baby is the cutest baby and everyone should see how adorable they are.

I was on the fence about posting pictures because I mean if celebrities do it, it should be fine right? But then if I always made decisions based on what a celebrity would do, I probably wouldn’t be where I am (jumped off a bridge too?).

So I sat on the fence for a little while, thinking about my own journey with social media.

Did you hear about the shooting in that town?

What about that woman who was murdered on her way home from work?

Or that country that keeps massacring its own people?

No – most likely, I wouldn’t have heard it because I don’t pay attention to those stories.

It’s not like I’m a recluse or an ostrich hiding its head in the sand

It doesn’t make me ignorant either because if you look at the definition of someone who is ignorant:

"Individuals who deliberately ignore or disregard IMPORTANT information or facts, or individuals who are unaware of IMPORTANT information or facts." – Wikipedia, my friend

Do you notice the words IMPORTANT?

Important has a different meaning for everyone. For me, things that are important are the things I care about and have control over. They matter to me because I can do something about it. Everyone has a story of how they became who they are. The moments in our history shape our motivations, beliefs, values, character and ultimately, what we care about.

It’s being at work and feeling guilty about not being at home. Then it’s being at home and feeling guilty about not being at work.

The goal of a ‘working mom’ is to balance both the working part and the mom part.

When did that become the goal? Why is it about balance?

It’s as though when an effort is put into one role, the other role suffers, like a lose-lose situation.

Why can’t it be about doing well in each of the roles to the best of our ability given our current state, mentally, emotionally, physically?

Who cares about balance? Why not just triple down on what we are damn good at and own who we are?

Call me a dreamer, an unrealistic optimist, someone with rose coloured glasses! Perhaps even call me a privileged, entitled Millennial!

But f*ck the guilt!

I honestly believe that my generation will be the last group of women who will experience ‘working mom’ guilt.

I’m going to preface this by saying this list is based on the assumptions that my daughter decides to have a kid and that I will be alive when this happens.

I know this may not happen but I like to put these thoughts into words in case it does.

This is so that if she does become a mom in the future, we can read this together and she will either make me eat my words or validate these thoughts I have now.

“Come on mom, you’re a total hypocrite and you don’t do any of these things you said you were going to do”

Plus, it’ll be cool to see how my perspective changes as time go on.

Dating sucks. There is no sugar coating it. So I’m going to be brutally honest and let you in on some dating secrets for finding the one.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Asian people celebrating Lunar New Year.

And I can probably write about how I celebrate it with my family (the red pockets, food, family traditions, stories etc.) like a typical mom blogger.

Instead, I want to talk about Luck.

A touching story of how my grandma’s death inspired my mom to take control of her health

Here is the final part of my collaboration series with Tiny Eyes Comics.

Hope you enjoy!

It’s hard to say ‘I Love You’ to my parents but my mom and I have figured out a way to make it work.

Here is part 2 of Why I Love My Mom series

Tiny Eyes is a comic series that shares slices of everyday life from a Chinese perspective. The series aims to create a fun, intimate and authentic space for those who are curious about China.

I was inspired by these comics so I reached out to Siyu, the artist behind Tiny Eyes to collaborate. I love how her comics give me a fun and light-hearted way to understand my culture better. There were so many that I could relate to, especially the ones about my mom.

So we decided to start a 3-part series, using her comics to help tell my personal stories about how much I love my mom.

So I don’t eat breakfast. I never ate breakfast when I was a kid.

I do brunches with girlfriends and my husband makes a mean breakfast on the weekends (breakfast is his life; he can’t function without it). I love eggs, bacon, french toast, pancakes…all the good stuff. I just don’t eat it in the morning because I’m not hungry.

When I was in grade 3, I had to do a homework assignment where we drew pictures of what we ate in a day. There was a box for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. In the breakfast box, I drew a large glass of water. I handed in the assignment and my mom got a call from my teacher.

I knew my maternity leave was going to end. I just didn’t know how I would feel in that moment I had to go back to work.

Mary Ng is the Member of Parliament (MP) for Markham-Thornhill & Minister of Small Business and Export Promotion.

She is a trailblazer as one of the first Chinese Canadian female cabinet ministers.

And, she is a self-proclaimed fan of my Blog (What What?). She was out in Vancouver and wanted to meet me. So we had coffee, chatting about our family and our shared hopes and dreams for empowering the future generation of Asian-Canadians.

I don’t touch other people’s kids without asking their parents or the kid themselves first.

First of all, kids are gross. I know kids touch everything and anything.

Aside from being a mom, I’ve been a babysitter, a camp counsellor, a tutor, a piano teacher and a tennis coach for elementary school kids. Their grubby, sticky little hands have been in their nose, their ears, their mouths, handrails, toilets…anything and everything.

I remember this one time I was walking downtown and noticed a little boy was walking ahead with his older sister.

Why is Sum spelled that way?

Why am I here?

Where am I?

Who am I?

Maybe not that question unless you’re having an existential crisis…but perhaps listening to my podcast will help.

If you’re Chinese, have Chinese friends or ever been to Vancouver, you’ve probably heard of Dim Sum.

For those who don’t know a lick of Chinese, Sum is ‘heart’ and Dim is a ‘point/dot/small bit’.

And all together, it is my way of introducing you to my blog in fancy schmancy Chinglish.

FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) is an actual reason why millennials overspend.

Are you freaking kidding me?

People my age spend money because they have a “fear of missing out on”

What?

Like that beautifully pictured cappuccino and notebook placed precisely on the edge of a table?

Or that perfectly timed photo of someone mid-jump on top of a mountain, looking super cool and dangerous?

drink, drink, drink! From the workplace to hanging out with friends, it’s so easy to succumb to the pressure to drink.

So I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol.

Some people might be like,

“Seriously? And you’re a mom? How do you do that?”

I hate the taste of alcohol. It’s extremely bitter and I feel like I’m doing the cough syrup gag every time.

I look like a cherry tomato about to burst in pictures (Thanks to my Asian genes).

So no, it’s not because of health reasons, or that it’s expensive or that I’m trying to be a Saint to my kid

This is the second part of my recovering perfectionism journey. Please check out my first part to get a better sense of my story

Hitting my first rock bottom at the age of 16 made me grow up pretty quickly.

How does a self-destructive teenager with a distorted view of the world climb back up?

I have a history of self-harm, disordered eating, and depression.

The journey began during my pre-teens and I recovered before my 17th birthday.

It started in Grade 6

I thought a lot about death, about what happens to our minds when we no longer exist, about how it feels to die, the experience, how I want to die and when, reincarnation, heaven, hell etc.

It was my short stint as a goth girl and I wrote a lot of poetry. I wrote a poem about drowning and how it would feel to drown. Lungs burning while water filled them like water balloons type of darkness.

I’ve always been one of those kids who takes pleasure in defying stereotypes. I hate being put in a box.

Don’t assume I’m submissive because of some show you saw about Asian women.

Don’t assume I’m a whitewashed banana because your Asian friend is.

Don’t assume I don’t know English because every time you see an Asian person, they’re talking, “Ching Chong”.

When I became a mom, I started doing a ton of self-reflection (one of the reasons I started a blog in the first place) because I struggled with what I wanted to preserve as an Asian parent and what I thought needed to go.