Rum Doings: Recent Episodes
John Walker and Nick Mailer
In our 275rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is: should we just lock up all the tennis players?
To mark the momentous occasion of our 275nd episode, we don't mention it at all, but instead focus on the fact we both have colds, that Star Trek remains terrible, and goodness knows what else look give me a break it's over ten minutes since we recorded it how on earth am I supposed to know what we said.
In our 274th weekly episode of Rum Doings, we chat about colds, cancers, and even some more positive subjects.
In our 273st ever Rum Doings, our topic is: what if Megan Markle's baby isn't black enough?
For the second week in a row, this is a double-length bumper episode. We cover all the events of the previous week, from racist royals to the uselessness of John Oliver, vaccine conspiracies to Biden's fails.
Welcome back. It's a bumper-length episode this week, with all manner of discussion, from the jokes of Peppa Pig to the state of the American Constitution. Also we talk Pokemon Go, Nick joins QAnon, and John tries to convince himself to go running again.
Obviously we talk about the current happenings, from the perspective of John’s all-consuming anxiety misery, and Nick’s similarly pathological upbeat view. But there are other subjects too, such as John’s new attempt to start running, and the inevitable demise of Facebook.
Ho ho ho dear. It's our CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! Is it our Hanukkah special? Is Hanukkah special?
It does sound like we're about to talk about politics again, but don't worry, we divert. Instead we ponder why no one visits Prince Philly in hospital, the worstest of all Christmas songs, and complain about Poundland's tills.
We then talk about forgiveness, which is uncharacteristically apposite for the season, then try to come up with some new Christmas traditions.
John has a CHRONIC SINUS CONDITION, and that's obviously the big news of the week. So we talk nasal DOUCHING. He's also just launched a new website about undiscovered indie games, but pah.
We also talk the awfulness of the election choices, as evidenced by the inevitable success of Mogg, about Judith's appendectomy, steamed breakfasts, and the disastrous US healthcare system.
In our 268rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is: should we be worried about TikTok?
Nick has a new kitten! It's correct name is Maisy. This sadly doesn't distract us from talking about the hopeless pit that is the UK general election. And then, with a great deal of sense and decorum, we discuss the ethnic demographics of the UK for the longest time.
Then, stepping into a subject about we're even less expert, we talk evolution.
There's a little bit of politics. We begin with all the latest HILARIOUS ANTICS of Brexit, and then quite figuratively leap across the Atlantic at the depressing farce of the Democratic race. With special focus on the brain collapse of Joe Biden.
We learn the advice of children, and then get to the real issue of the day: Nick's fancy new toilet.
In our 265rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is: Why don't we just... prorogue traffic wardens?!?!!
So yes, we obviously discuss the Brexitty madness, and then the legacy of John Bercow. This then incomprehensibly links on to the irritations of "smart" speakers, Toby's first day at school, and that dreadful modern music you kids listen to.
We argue about giving trophies to children, argue even more about whether John likes tennis, and argue a bit in the middle about whether to have fights.
This week we talk instead about the absolute clustermuck that is this week in politics, and how no rules apply anywhere. We ask why phones don't dut-duhdah-dut any more, the power of adverts, and we argue for the extinction of the human race.
In our 263nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is: Should Nick be deported to Robin Island for stealing Starglider?
It's our tenth anniversary! The very first episode came out on the 10nd August 2009, and today is near as dammit. If you want to be a purist, don't listen to this until tomorrow.
We obviously discuss the changes that have occurred over the last ten years, both to us and the world, which naturally leads us to our usual complaining about Jeremy Corbyn, Donald Trump, and Brexit. For some reason Nick insists on John's blithering about changes in games, we do our best to upset most new parents, and Judith outdoes John on appearing on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show.
In our 262st ever Rum Doings, our topic is either: "With the latest set of atrocities, can we finally ban these video nasties?" or indeed: "With all these floods, shouldn't we just get rid of dams and use bottles instead?"
Instead we discuss weeing, because look, we're in our 40s now. And indeed erections. That out the way, I'm afraid we turn to slightly more distasteful topics, and analyse the calculated awfulness of our new PM. Nick then goes on to be wrong about The Orville, while John, by contrast is right. And then everything breaks and we give up.
In this week's episode of our weekly podcast we talk about John's long ago trip to Canada, about Nick's hatred of all that is good and pure, and go into some detail about the peculiar near-death experiences of John's cat, Lucy. Plus other stuff, as you might imagine.
Naturally we launch straight into SNOW NEWS. Nick is SO EXCITED! Then it's onto an old favourite: how weather forecasting is a sham and must be stopped.
Nick bans the phrase "toxic masculinity", in the fashion of a man using his maleness to impose his views on us all, and John suggests there might be human rights issues in more than one specific country. Then it's TV recommendations time, with I'm Sorry and Big Mouth top of the list.
Then everything devolves into just a bit of a chat, really.
We begin with a delve into our spam folders, ponder Philly's crash, and of course there's some Brexit natter.
And then we move on to Daniel! Daniel from the comments from previous episodes. Oh Daniel. It's all about you, Daniel!
It's our first Rum Doings of 2019, so it's out with the old, and in with the old again. Brexit, Corbyn, how to roast a turkey - of course we discuss it all.
Then there's the evolution of dropping litter, are councils mythical, and is the reason for all problems in the world the lack of empty supermarket car parks on a Sunday?
In our 256rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, is Jacob Rees Mogg evidence that we should never trust the thin?
It's been a while, hasn't it? But time isn't a factor in the gel universe of Rum Doings, so things carry on as normal. So we discuss Brexit, Trump and all the obvious big subjects. But we also get into the complexities of miscarriage, and Nick's new wobbly theory of the universe.
We begin with some of our crazed socialist rambling about the corruption of big companies, ponder how easy it is to fall off a cruise ship, and Nick launches a staunch defense of sexism.
Then we really rather get into the topic of antisemitism. No, no, come back. We try to approach the subject from the perspective of why it's something to care about, rather than something to use as a weapon in an argument. It's probably quite a good discussion. Here's the episode of Radio 4's The Reunion we discuss.
In our 254rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, now Cliff Richard is definitely not a paedophile, is it safe to start posting him our children again?
Nick's in somewhere called "The United States Of America", which is apparently some sort of second attempt at England. He's there to speak at his cult. A cult that believes this is episode 255 when it's 254.
We talk about John's getting fired from the Cat Magazine, we ponder Putin, and then get into the terrible people of Bubbling Life.
In our 253rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, given Europe's carbon dioxide shortage, should we start burning more fossil fuels?
We begin by trying to discuss Love Island, which neither of something has seen, and then Labour Live, which neither of us attended (along with everyone else in the world). Nick went to Menorca, John didn't, and we discuss the ongoing popularity of text adventures. (Link!)
We attempt to mess with your AI, upset metal fans, and then John reads everyone a racist bedtime story.
Every now and then we like to break up the flow, and include a good episode. This is one of those.
We begin with discussions of HRH Prince Charles' need for a cream tea, move on to Trump vs N Korea, and then Nick advocates holocausts, both nuclear and Nazi.
John tells a story of Bodmin Jail's incredibly balanced perspective on paranormal phenomena, we have a message from our sponsor, and we dive into our podcast subscriptions.
In our 251rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, the royal wedding.
Despite this, Nick talks about the royal wedding at length, which is why he's now in prison forever.
More importantly, to celebrate our landmark two hundred and fifty-first episode, we're in the same room! There's much blather about weddings in general, then this naturally moves on to Buffy The Vampire Slayer, new kitchens, and embarrassed foxes.
We discover the secret of immortality: kill millions of people, talk holidays, and reconsider the legacy of Toe Knee B Liar.
In our 250nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, now the illegal rave scene is having a renaissance, is it also time to welcome back the Marathon bar?
We talk about a real life cream tea for children charity! And read some poetry. And Nick defends giving poor children bread and water and beating them with poles or something.
A transatlantic episode, recorded about a week and a half ago, with John in San Francisco and Nick in the exotic climes of London. What do we talk about? Who knows! It was a week and a half ago, 7am, and then there was jetlag. But we can guarantee it was all jolly good.
In our 248rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, with the death of Ken Dodd, is there any hope for family friendly light entertainment?
That's right, we're back! After a whole week off. We discuss the delightful pick-up artist game Super Seducer, and then try to quite sensibly work out what advice actually is useful for single humans. There's front door lock chat, like everyone had been hoping for. And then we talk TV recommendations because it's been a while.
Then Nick starts lamenting his failure to become evil, and John protests his terror of the same.
We discuss how John brained his son, the Producers-style cabinet reshuffle, and conspiracy theories over the demise of the NHS. We talk IVF, and the downside of eating all the embryos on toast. And then a peculiar number of recipes seem to appear.
In our 246nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, with the passing of Keith Chegwin, is light entertainment finally gone forever?
We read postcards from listeners (no, really!), ponder new insults, and then tell the strange tale of Toby’s bench. Nick then attempts to explain Bitcoin. And we wonder if we need to leave our cream teas for Santa.
One of our most argumentative episodes, this was recorded last week and then due to John's ineptitude, only uploaded now. So pre-Spacey, but post-Weinstein, we loudly argue about where blame lies. There's also some cruise talk, and a bit about turning 40.
Obviously we discuss Theresa's splendid speech, and Weinstein's wayward penis (recorded on Monday, so before a lot more of the revelations). We ponder the deaths of major figures, and solve the urination crisis.
We're back, after a million year hiatus! And we record in the same room!
Forewarning: at the time we recorded (the weekend) the news was reporting that it was anti-Nazis that had driven into the crowds. Obviously that wasn't the case.
We talk Nazis, Trump, sciatica and child-rearing. We get interrupted, we deeply investigate the gravy boat, and we explain why we won't be rid of Theresa May. And loads more!
An emergency election special. Thoughts on the completely bonkers results of last night's general election.
Your eyes do not deceive you. Nick has finally decided to lower himself to the level of talking to the little people once more. We return!
Talk this week is of IVF and politics, and that's pretty much it. But it's good. Oh boy is it good.
Perhaps rather obviously we discuss the forthcoming surprise General Election, and the abundance of delightful choice we have in casting our vote. But of course we also talk Bill O'Reilly, Anglican churches, and Judith's forthcoming miserable holiday. And the joys of going through IVF.
After establishing just how wrong Nick is, we consider how sincere is Theresa May, and then move on to John's Amazing List Of Brilliant Ideas. In the middle of a fascinating discussion about magazines, we are invaded by a two year old. Somehow we then get on to vicars in assemblies, and then Nick gets a bit confused about what metaphors.
Oooh, lovely, it's a proper old-fashioned Rum Doings episode, with topics jumping back and forth all over the house. We cover two year past deaths of radio presenters no one's heard of, childhood fear, quantum entanglement and confused bishops.
It's a lot of Trump. That was fairly inevitable. John continues to argue for hysteria and panic, Nick continues to argue for calm uninterest. Via this exquisite example of Hegelian dialectic, a synthesis is eventually reached. (Actually, this episode presents a much more realistic example of real-life communication within the twenty-year friendship between the two hosts - this is how we normally get anywhere.)
Then there's a smattering of the idiotic lawsuit between Bethesda and Oculus.
After Nick finally gets done whining and whining about how pathetic he is, we get on to a traditionally rambling, frequently sidetracked discussion of the Trump presidency so far. What might happen to NPR? We analyse Data's poem to his cat. And we read some of Trump's tweets.
Discussions of our Christmas break, Lappish holidays, and festive feasts breaks way into an accidental conversion to Catholicism. We laugh at the colossally stupid Canary, forecast 2017, and then talk about the Mandela Effect, and specifically this article about it. And then mailing lists, and a surprise celebration of George Michael.
In another pleasingly mixed episode we talk all over the place, from remembering Fight Club to from where the next child abuse scandal shall emerge, adoption and fostering to the luck and timing of creative success. We try to fathom YouTube like old, old men, and then laugh at how silly Googles are.
We recorded this last week, but then John's life went crazy and he finally got around to posting it today. But thankfully we chatted aimiably about non-topical things for a change! So here is a lovely episode that should distract you from the 2016s of 2016.
This is a slightly shorter emergency episode, responding to the US election result as soon as we were both alive again this morning. It's glum, obviously, but you do get to hear Nick say words that you'll have never heard before (his family and friends included).
We talk about what isn't going to happen, how there won't be a wall, what limits Trump will operate under. And then we talk terrifying worst-case scenarios. But the good news is, it all ends with lovely cute Toby chatting his madness at us.
We talk about how all judges are pure evil hellbent against the will of the people, the Brexit effect (Brexfect), and move on to the American election. Plus we accuse just about everyone of terrible crimes, and then explain why everyone should vote Trump.
We discuss the magical futuristic technology of voice activated personal assistants, the peculiar national forgetting of what the Liberal Democrats did six years ago, and six year old antisemitism.
Lots of lovely arguing this week, after a boring bit of agreeing over the horror that is Theresa May's Brexit policy. We argue over food, sexism, fundraising, bone broth and Nick's magic teeth.
After Nick's ugly hatred of the disabled is revealed, we move on to John's tale of a horrible accident that nearly took out Toby, and broke one elderly cyclist. Which then leads on to a refreshingly politics-free episode, except that we just bang on about our children throughout.
We talk statins, home schooling, and then Nick makes John talk about No Man's Sky. This naturally leads on to lazy writing in Star Trek, the madness of Knob Hill, and when will the Labour vote finally be over?
Welcome to our discussions of getting struck off dentistry, last-minute dissertations, and the extraordinary private life of Wendy Deng Murdoch. We review Deadpool, and we discover why the second law of thermodynamics is why we can't have nice things.
In our 222th ever Rum Doings, our topic has been removed due to offensive language.
We discuss why Twitter should have been an open protocol, the opening of the Olympics, and then an extended argument about trampolining. We learn about the complexities of imaginary private beaches, the arrival of Olympic baseball and as you'd imagine, a dissection of Radio 4's Loose Ends.
We talk about the subject that is at the forefront of the English-speaking world's current interests: a vintage bus rally. And this tattoo and this image leads us to considered the delightful Nazism of Disney. Nick grills John on Toby's pink pram, and then we consider Owen Jones' latest peculiar twist.
John tells a story that means no one will ever touch him again, we attempt to understand Pokemon GO and the potential of augmented reality gaming, and consider just how awful are the Cornish.
The big headline! Nick's broken his foot! Hear all the background to the story that's rocked the nation.
We then move on to talk Corbyn, as you might imagine. We talk Trident. We talk Owen Smith and his problematic ways. We talk May's evil cabinet. And then we're invaded.
We make some predictions for the future. All of them will come true. So better get your stuff in order, Quennie. We talk YouTube, and then obviously get into the hilarity of the Labour leadership coup, and the monstrousness of Theresa May.
What news might we have read if Britain hadn't gone bonkers? Do you remember the Chilcot enquiry? Do you wear shoes? Is there a single ugly cello player?
Now everything's back to normal and the country's running tickety-boo, we're able to move on to... no, of course not. But we do cut off the politics talk after a bit and focus on more pressing matters, like how did PacMan mate? And what would we do if we had vaginas? This leads us to making a new rule about sex: no sharp corners.
We also make a big stakes bet over the possibility of a Trump presidency.
So, yeah. Recorded at 7.30am, this is our immediate reaction to Britain's voting to leave the EU. We discuss the possible consequences, the devastating impact, and ponder best case scenarios for the future. Which is tough, at this point. Worth noting that Cameron announced his resignation the very moment we stopped recording, so we only speculate that he will.
This week we talk about Brexit vs Bremain, and as you might imagine a week before the vote, that's about it. We look at some of the arguments, we discuss some of the potential consequences, and we implore people to get off their bums on Thursday to vote for things to stay the same.
We've got a pamphlet! This week you can learn all about The Original Copper Heeler Registered Trademark, and the panacea it presents to the universe.
We ponder on immigration and the EU referendum, and Nick's impressive encounter with some Brexiteers. And Toby's tact.
Entirely separately from our topic, because what would it have to do with those two?, we discuss privacy and the peculiarity of injunctions. We come up with Stewart Lee's next live show, and then move on to looking at the new television programmes that we'll be flying over to America to watch this Autumn.
We discuss John's adventures in hospital, the new London mayor, and the snottiest of MSPs. We also ponder how technical mishaps can so easily lead to attending anti-Semitic rallies, and laugh at stupid readers of RPS.
We talk London's mayoral options, the death of Prince, and return to the topic of national price vs nationalism.
In our 211th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, is Kate's dress will do?!
We talk Panama, a mysterious - nigh - impossible British hotel room, and then return to Nick's list of who may live on his island. It probably doesn't include you.
Oh dear, this is a terrible episode. We're sorry. In it we talk slowly and confusedly, stumbling over each other, not really having a point to what we're saying, wittering on about our children and then something about the EU. John tries to talk about a book he doesn't have in front of him, while Nick decides to investigate a news story he then doesn't investigate. There's a few minutes about 30 minutes in that aren't completely dreadful, then it goes back to being rubbish again. Look, we managed 209 utterly amazing episodes in a row, we're allowed one dud in every 210.
After our brief hiatus we're back, aiming for the traditional weekly schedule. And after a brief discussion of John's anxiety disorder and the symptoms thereof, we spend most of the episode learning who would not be allowed on Nick's island.
From those who don't play petrol pump number games to those who are frightened of semi-colons banned at the gates, Nick's island is going to be one quiet place. But will you get in? You'd better.
In our 208th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, is David Bowie better than Gandhi?
In what can only be described as a Rum Doings way, episode 208 is a tribute to my father, who died last Saturday. The aim of this episode was to attempt to capture the reality of a side of grief, in all its frankness, truth and ghoulish flippancy. I think - perhaps too often - people tend to talk about a person's death with a great deal of reverence, and in hushed tones. I love my dad to bits, and have written about what a special person he was here. Rum Doings has always been about talking about what's truly on our minds, and this episode is no different. Don't expect hymns and solemn nodding.
We talk about the suddenness of my dad's death, what happened at the time, and the fantastic things that were somehow wrapped up before it happened. We consider how impossible it is to empathise with intimate grief until it's experienced, and analyse how it can hit you. I go into my bizarre tummy-tentacle theory of relationships, with diversions into exploring what it's like to be in that moment of hearing such terrible news.
If the tone makes you feel uncomfortable, know that it makes me feel good, and dad - as a sneaky RD listener - would have enjoyed it.
Our topic is, Wittgenstein said if a lion could talk we would not understand him, but what if he met a good animal psychic?
It's fair to say we spend most of this week's episode talking about our kids. There's a discussion of our Christmas lunches, too, and spoiler-free discussion of the new Star Wars Cinema Film.
In our 206th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, Donald Trump?
After brief discussion of Toby's continued inability to sleep, we discuss why Owen Jones' recent column on Corbyn was quite so dreadful, and get pretty deep into explaining why anyone genuinely left wing should be furious with Corbyn's abysmal leadership.
We talk about why Stop The War are a vile group of racists, John's grumpiness, and then the best email John has ever received. And then it finishes with an anecdote about John's blanky.
In our 205th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, in this age of iPhones and Uber, why can't binmen be replaced with robots?
Recorded yesterday, before the vote result, we obviously spend a good deal of time discussing the matter of bombing Syria, and the politics involved on either side. Things move on to John's recent panel appearance at the Being A Man Festival (no, really), chivalry, and then the PC tech war.
And Noel Edmond's face.
In our 204th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we gave homoeopathy a chance?
We discuss counting, terrible radio comedies, and the possible unreality of Father Christmas. Nick predicts the end of the world, and then John tries to buy a nuclear bomb.
We berate listener Steven Chicken, and then explain how to solve the problem of ISIS. And end celebrating South Park.
In our 203th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, instead of building HS2, shouldn't we just fix those potholes?
After moaning about being tired, John recalls his recent holiday to Wales, and then move on to talk about the current dreary trend for being offended, and our opposite approaches to the inherency of equality.
Things soon move on to whether we hate anyone, then a rather extended musing on the nature of love. Then we ponder why we're not having a world war.
In our 202th ever Rum Doings, our topic is how can they be thinking about building a base on the moon when there are starving children in Africa?
After a short Autumnal hiatus, we're back with aplomb, discussing The Martian movie, something about shouting insults at Laura, and... and... no, we've forgotten already.
Oh yeah, there's something about a wedding John went to, and about how Toby is a screaming idiot, and - oh yes - we bang on about teaching handwriting again.
Recorded a couple of weeks back, this episode features the wondrous thunderous Judge Coxcombe, and we discuss Game Of Thrones Christmas toys, the poor greenscreen of Once Upon A Time, our daemons, and our favourite Star Treks. And then, somehow, European politics.
In our 200th ever Rum Doings, our topic is that it's episode 200.
We obviously talk Corbyn, the causes, the reactions, and the future, and unsurprisingly, that dominates. Not so much though that we don't also manage to say entirely unnecessarily offensive things, talk about fireplace shopping with UKIP, and Nick bans all hats for immigrants.
In our 198th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, would it not be easier just to ban people from being between the ages of 18 and 25?
We talk bus museums, zoos, and the damage they do to feet. We discuss politics in Monkey World, the manners of Parisians, and Nick's adventures in Nice. And we babble about Donald Trump, Jeremy Corbyn, and whether there's room for a Left wing in monkey politics.
In our 197th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time those captors released poor little Maddie?
Sorry. However, in a pleasingly upbeat episode, we discuss an awful lot of space. Going to space, the amount to spend on space, and space fiction. Especially The Martian and Defying Gravity. Of course, things move on to Lord Sewel, and the peculiarity of the story.
John laments how awful is his cat, and then we realise that John's marriage is in the hands of a fragile china mug.
We talk about lying to your children, the destruction of the BBC, and indeed CBeebies programming. There are thoughts on deficits, John seeks mortgage advice, we ponder Steve Martin, and wonder at the cast of the Cosby Show.
We discuss our robot overlord future, the horrible Stephen Green, and then dissect Center Parcs. Nick dismisses the Greek, we remember when Richard Herring didn't shout "AND ER!" after every sentence, and then we start making some very special plans for our 200th episode.
In our 194th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, if you can keep your head while all around you are losing theirs, are you a member of ISIS?
On National Cream Tea Day we bring you news of Noah's Ark Zoo Farm - a truly barking mad creationist zoo that actually exists. We then discuss the very nature of existence, and then how people pray wrong. We recall the race for the human genome, lament the faults of the wax crayon, and Nick does his amazing impression of John.
In our 193th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, is the Queen turning up for the Magna Carter ceremony a bit as if Jimmy Savile's ghost turned up for the opening of a new ward at Stoke Mandeville Hospital.
We begin discussing the Tim Hunt fiasco, which eventually leads to Nick's decision to run his own island. We dismiss all allergies, celebrate Giles Brandreth, and attempt to discover the identity of a briefcase carrier.
John regales us with tales of the Saltford fete, we wonder at our ever-aging attractions, and ban nose piercings.
In our 192th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, in light of the Britain's Got Talent fiasco, should all dogs be put down?
Topics this week include Seppastian Blatter's evil ways, Nick's failed attempts to guess newspapers from headlines, and a couple of thoughts on Charles Kennedy. We worry about rollycoasters, explain why Toby is so very, very interesting, and Nick realises that being a Conservative makes you a baddie.
Who is the real idiot when it comes to pooing in your pants? Nick explains John's outfit of a tracksuit and semen-stained top. And we finish with a superb letter from our listener.
In our 191th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, never mind space - what about the kiddies in the hospitals?
We talk about the universal changing of numerical suffixes, the matriarchy in which Nick finds himself, and Radio 4 plays. (Here's that good astronaut play.) Nick learns about the greatest thing on television, Tipping Point, we sort-of argue about "trigger warnings", then rail against the idiocy of "clickbait".
In a transatlantic episode we talk about the collapse of UKIP, the awfulness of MPspeak, and the flop of 3D. There's also, out of nowhere, a detailed look at the role of Linux in gaming and the democratisation of development via engine availability. It was Nick's fault.
In our 189th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, could it be time to label the fad of wearing a suit without a tie depraved?
And so, with heavy hearts, we dissect the madness of the last night, and make our predictions for the next five years. And try to find hope within.
In our 188th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, how dare Prince William have named his baby anything other than Her Royal Diananess Diana The Princess Of Dianania?
Instead this is our bumper-length pre-election special! We break down the current polls, analyse the position of each of the parties, assess their policies and laugh at their pledges, before giving our predictions as to the outcome, and instructing you how to vote.
We'll be back with another episode on Friday to look at the results, and either weep or cheer accordingly.
No, don't panic, you haven't missed episode 186. Well, you have, but it's not yet released. It rather went wrong, but I think there's stuff to be rescued from it. In the meantime, we ponder if the young people still use Facebook, Nick's new nephew, and the continuing idiocy of copyright.
Then we set up the ultimate competition: Siri vs. Google Now. This decided, we talk about the election, and especially the role the SNP could play. There's worry over mirrors and babies, an acknowledgement of the existence of 70s pedos, and then the usual discussion of Justin Bieber.
In our 185th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, do we really need a government?
John begins with an extraordinary confession: he felt a bond with Victoria Wood. We then move on to talking about the Paxman interviews with Cameron and Milliband, because we recorded this just before the proper debates, cos Nick was going on holiday.
We turn to your advice questions, in the second part of our agonising aunt section. First up, what to have for breakfast. Then why not to commit suicide. Nick explains why insects aren't real, and we give people reasons to live. (For the links to suicide support lines, scroll toward the end of this article.) And we explain who gives better hugs: men or women. And Nick won't say if he loves John.
We touch on the horror of the recent plane crash, which leads Nick towards a revelation about utilitarianism. Then things move on to the first part of an Agony Aunt Two-Parter.
Well, you know how it is. We get distracted on the way there. By sexing goldfish. Then we turn to dispensing advice. Some of it properly helpful. For instance, how do you decide which child is your favourite? But also what to do if you're being made redundant, travelling around the world, or oh, um, we're discussing the Greek alphabet.
Nick explains his disappointment with those who die, and indeed his father's computer skills, and then we're joined by special guest, Toby. Nick really needs to say a thing about logo aesthetics, and then tells John off for calling Toby a boy. We ponder how UKIP thinks Britain would work without immigration, and then ask if you can have purpose without infinity.
There are attempts to imagine a way Milliband could be spun to the nation, consideration of the next election, and Toby's views on the Conservative party. Then Nick makes QUITE the confession about The Big Bang Theory, we rue the youth's ignorance of Larry Sanders, and laugh at NVidia.
In our 182nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, if white chocolate gets called white chocolate, when will it end?
In a transatlantic episode, with John in San Francisco and Nick visiting the capital city of the United Kingdom, London, we discuss... oh bloody hell, Nick's clicking again. We will be organising a street fight in which listeners can kick Nick's face clean off his head if he doesn't buy himself an external microphone before the next episode.
John reports on his boring flight, and there are tales of San Francisco, and how people's lives can spiral out of control. And we yet again reminisce on our brush with comedy fame.
We begin with a live technical testing of the broadcast systems, as Nick attempts to break the podcast from the off. Then we move on to being a bit disappointed with Jack Straw, the perils of interviewing games developers, and the spectacular collapse of the Daily Telegraph.
We muse on hypocrisy, analyse the Telegraph's remarkable editorial, and then regale John's miserable experience of calling 111.
In our 180th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, it's the year 2000! Where are our hoverboards?!
Instead we talk about scuppering podcasts, babies on planes, and John correctly points out how average is Frozen. We learn about Nick's daughter's racism, and ponder the results of the upcoming election, and then Nick starts crackling.
Yup, sorry again, but Nick is a TERRIBLE PERSON. Even worse, he moves things on to videogames. Fortunately we move on, and discuss how utterly awful are the cartoon strips in Private Eye, which leads us to our favourite topic of User Friendly. And John's version. Toby briefly invades, as our episode 180 special guest, before we return to being rude about a cartoon.
In our 179th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we did something about that pesky Boko Haram?
We begin with cat leg news, then move on to some discussion about the peculiarities of the Sun's page 3. (Recorded yesterday, before boobies reappeared this morning.) We mention the popularity of John's willy, and Nick gives his argument in favour of objectification, before we drift our way to discussing the conclusion of Cabin Pressure.
John explains what he likes least about his 12 week old son, we ponder holidays to Yorkshire, and John's teenage climbing habits, and then we conclude with information about Emanuel Swedenborg Day.
In our 178th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we acknowledged the "women in the workplace" experiment should come to an end.
We begin with rememberings of our first go on the internet, and then inevitably move on to the Charlie Hebdo story. Nick gives a short lecture on the nature of problematic religions, interrupted by a problematic wife, before we undo the nonsense of the argument that satire must only "punch up".
We talk irony and the science of Mornington Crescent, and then John rants about how The Unbelievable Truth is a terrible radio concept. Then we somehow find ourselves dissecting the careers of Whose Line contestants, and ponder the descent of Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. And we call Mitch Benn names, again.
In our 177th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, should there be a pink card in football for players who've done too many rapes?
What CLICK we CLICK talk CLICK about CLICK instead CLICK is oh dear. Nick messed up. Despite a pleasant enough start, discussing pedo royals, about five minutes in Nick's recording goes crazy and starts clicking like a Geiger counter inside a nuclear bomb. If you can stand it, we go on to talk about late night chat shows, we close down all network TV and replace it with radio, and get an update on John's baby. We point out that hoverboards are a stupid idea, how we need dinosaurs back to humble mankind, and the most importantly of all...
DECLARE THOMAS AQUINAS DAY ON 28TH JANUARY.
Book the day off now, as this is to be a new international holiday for all Rum Doings listeners, to give us something to look forward to when returning to work after Christmas.
With a very special seven week old guest, this week's episode comes from Nick, John and Toby. We discuss stupid babies, stupid Theresa May, the divinity of the Lord Baby Jesus, and the awfulness of carols. We ponder four year old logic, Nick genuinely proselytises Strictly Come Dancing, and then we skewer Apple right through their hearts. It turns out neither of us is a huge fan of Bob Geldof, but we are big fans of Judge Coxcombe. And baby willies.
In our 175th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, when will someone finally stand up for the good-old British cabbie?
Instead we talk about John's becoming a daddy, and John's going to a mental health nurse. We talk about anxiety disorder, then the truncated You & Yours. There's ranting about the ridiculous nonsense of feeding programmes for two-day-old babies and enforced formula use, and then learn some homeopathic uses for arsenic.
John talks about the best and worst things about being a dad, and then some suggestions of videogames for little children to play.
Our topic is, isn't it about time to renationalise One Direction?
In an episode beset by a strange satellite delay (we talk over each other more than usual), we dominantly discuss how lovely and thoughtful John is, and Nick's hate for all humanity. We consider the bath/wee dilemma as posted by 5 year old Judy. There's shouty arguments over terms like "trigger warning", and Nick's contempt for John is laid bare. But actually it's about ethics in games journalism, as well as Nick's frustration with John's interactions with the arseholes. Finally there's some chat about giving birth and becoming dads.
In our 173rd ever Rum Doings, our topic is should ebola be required for airline travel?
We discuss Nick's mighty teeth, the inevitable appearance of a Walker baby, the complete absence of learning anything useful at middle school, and then dive deep into the insane world of idiotic conspiracy magazine, Nexus New Times. We learn about giant spiders, the Jesuit control of Australia, and the cover-up of anti-gravity.
In our 172nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is what is, considering all the cracks, isn't it now time to admit that paving stones are a noble failure which should be abandoned?
We talk about how microwaves enhance baby learning, Nick's food fight with a primary school, and John's disgust with the awfulness of Doctor Who.
There's then chat about American late night talk shows, British attempts at them, and then some TV and book recommendations.
In our 171st ever Rum Doings, our topic is
We talk about the nature and consequences of political criticism of art, at quite some length, especially how it relates to gaming. This meanders onto talk of our continued struggle with the pink and blue nature of childhoods, and a brief detour into baby having.
We're such grown ups that Nick's daughter starts school this week, so we chat about that, and then our horror at how young everyone is. No one is allowed to have been born after 1985.
We discuss how wine tasting is finally proven a sham, John's terrible aggressive shaving, evil cats, and a bit of Ferguson. We rename the Mid-West, and decide America needs more sea. And we think how to get rid of the short.
There is a weird audio issue on this one. It's Nick's fault, even though it only happens when John speaks. So apologies. On Nick's behalf. We talk about holidays, pregnancy, and then, at some length, Israel and the coverage of the Gaza situation.
We move on to talk more generally about the filters that are necessary for parsing any news stories, and John's plans to get rid of his baby if he's born on his birthday. And then John's glorious air conditioner!
In our 168th ever Rum Doings, the topic is: should children read? Instead we complete our cruise recordings, docked back in Southampton, sitting on the sunbeds on a mostly abandoned cruise ship.
There's discussion of correct and incorrect queuing, and then an account of the Stupidest Men In The World. For some reason John then sounds like he's on the phone, despite having been lay next to Nick in a very sexy way, as he discusses how he has the hardest job in the world. Nick tells us about the Ukrainian barman he fell in love with, and we tell you about a very opulent meal we stuffed into our faces.
In our 167th ever Rum Doings, the rules continue to be thrown into the sea. Nick is locked out of the cabin and this week's episode is brought to you by Victoria and John.
We bring you the latest news in Disney princess dress technology, and debate the merits of 3D printing. John explains Eggheads, and then tries to convince himself he's okay with the boat's rocking, all in an effort to tell a story about a mean lady.
As the waves outside the window start to grow really rather enormous, we talk cable cars, and Victoria tells us about her dad's theories on the gays.
In our 166th ever Rum Doings, we're still on the ocean waves. BUT WHAT IS THIS? John has been thrown out, perhaps overboard, and replaced by someone called "Laura".
The topic is: should all of Gary Glitter's records be pulped. Instead, Nick and Laura discuss whales, and are then rudely interrupted by the captain of the boat. Nick learns about pregnancy, and then they move on to John's anger issues.
Laura laments not being a particle physicist, and Nick laments not being an endocrinologist. And then Nick delivers his Fountain Theory.
In our 165th ever Rum Doings, we're back on the ocean waves! The topic is: why can't kings just reign until they die, for goodness sake?
After three days at sea, Nick and John find themselves trapped on a floating town with the most awful population on Earth. We begin with a look through the HMS Sinksalot's onboard programme, the Pitter Patter.
There's discussion of the world's most passive-aggressive magician, when John interviewed Douglas Adams, and incredibly, Nick's phone rings in the middle of the sea.
In our 164th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, are low-cost airlines in Asia too much of a good thing?
This is a hastily uploaded episode, so excuse the lack of a description. You find out what's discussed by listening!
There won't be a Rum Doings next week, as we're going on the #cruiseofdisappointment! So we'll be recording a whole bunch on board the Good Ship Sinkalot, then releasing them to you on our return.
Topics include: Ru Paul! UKIP! The aesthetics of sexuality! John's elbone surgery! Tips on oogling people in public! Aeroplane toilets! Naked & Marooned! Manual typewriters! And how coffee saved John's faith!
In our 162nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, are net curtains ever acceptable?
Apologies for this brief summary, but John is currently one-handed, and typing hurts rather a lot. But just know this is the second appearance of Judge Coxcombe, in which we respond to your questions. Also we're very offensive, so enjoy that. It's a really good, double-length episode!
Don't forget to email podcast@rumdoings.com with the word "shibboleth" to indicate your interest in coming to a live edition of Rum Doings.
In our 161st ever Rum Doings, our topic is, why are we no longer a nation of bunters?
Hurrah! We're joined by the Lord High Judge Coxcombe, who is hear to judge, well, John apparently. Next week's episode will feature his rulings on you, the lone listener. This week, instead we begin with some comely discussion of racist, racist UKIP and corrupt career politician Nigel Farage. We consider the middle class bias of Twitter, and then Nickbot is unable to process the concept that someone might be nice about someone else without there being some concerning subtext. We then argue about whether we should put away our childish things, and Nick's daughter's plans to murder Martin.
We learn how to detect a fake baby Jew, revisit the "Russia are the baddies" theorem, and then require the Judge to rule on Scottish independence. It then becomes time to judge John on whether he is terrible or not.
It's Rum Doings in person! We unite in the echoey halls of Posi Castle We begin with our listener's all-time highlights of Rum Doings. Then we begin our LCHF picnic, of home-baked not-bread and chocolate brownies. Mmmmmmmm. With our mouths full, we explore the ways of Nigel Ferage, which inevitably leads us to discussing abortion.
And then we move on to a very special letter. Typed on a manual typewriter, what begins as a sympathy message about the disappearance of Dexter, quickly becomes... very strange.
In our 158th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we trusted MPs to manage their own business?
We begin with Nick criticising some videos he's never seen, based on his own mad assumptions. This somewhat leads us to discussing internet abuse, then eventually John's deserved privilege.
We discover that the holy spirit is a God fart, and have a few guesses at who's going to die next. We then conclude that all people aged 73 are paedophiles unless proven otherwise.
Today we're here to tell you about how to get fat while pregnant. Inspired by an NHS booklet, we learn why the key way to get as fat as possible is to cram carbs into your face while eschewing the likes of saturated fats that might endanger an expectant mother with providing their developing child with substances it needs.
We also discuss... ("we", ha) Nick also discusses which supplements you should take, in what ends up being an almost exclusively dietary edition. Oh, and Lucy went outside, and now she's come back in again!
In our 156th ever Rum Doings, our topic is isn't it about time we went to war with Russia?
Recorded across the Atlantic, on an overly-loud laptop mic in San Francisco, and Nick's echo chamber in London, Nick naturally insists on talking about bloody videogames. John was at GDC at the time of recording, so despite wanting to talk about anything else, Nick must be obeyed. There's also talk about San Francisco itself - a peculiar and unsettling mix of opulence and horrendous poverty.
As John struggles through his cold, Nick expresses his hatred of women, and we give the latest news on the death penalty. And hash browns. Mmmmmmm, hash browns.
In our 154th ever Rum Doings, our topic is whether term time holidays should be met with the death penalty.
We begin with some wonderful news about John's financial windfall, then move on to our expert discussion on primary schools, about which we both know nothing. John has a good moan about his painful arm, and then for some godforsaken reason Nick insists on going on and on about Scottish independence. We abuse more idiots on Twitter, and then introduce a new law that all new immigrants must go to key parties.
This episode is pretty much one topic: copyright and the public domain. But somehow we still manage to be offensive throughout. This is inspired by an article John wrote on games entering the public domain, and the RAGE AND FURY that ensued. We also celebrate one of the best people ever, Lord Camden.
We begin lamenting the use of vowels in foreign, and then dissertate and expatiate on our favourite words. This somehow leads on to Christian-funded TV movies, which inevitably takes us to further discussions of Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish, comics, and movies.
Then comes the saga of the utter fruitcakes who try to talk to John on Twitter.
We discuss the news of the day, from two days ago, then Nick says something ill-informed about Tourettes. John the talks about the lying ways of grieving parents. We are the most sensitive of all podcasts. Then moaning about how old we are takes place.
Lucy's spaying comes under scrutiny, and then we talk about the enormous silliness of King and their attempts to trademark the English language. (We make a mistake here (and by "we" we mean "John") as King's trademarks for words like "SWEET!" are for their particular bubble writing logos.) And then we stop.
In our 150th ever Rum Doings, our topic is our very special guest star Mr Stephen Fry! So we discuss a leaflet John found somewhere for Reverse Theory. An amazing new book that will change science. We go on to argue about Sherlock, the death of a dog in the Archers, and the holiday potentials of Pangaea.
We mull the lack of boobies on British TV, and then we explain how much we approve of the government and all their excellent decisions. And then things get a little bit political ladies and gentlemen, as we grumble.
Episode 149 of Rum Doings is in real life! (And recorded a week ago.) Which appears to encourage us to insult just about everyone. We talk about Dexter's disappearance, Louise Unmensch, and our ongoing hatred of the blind.
We then have a lecture on Robert Kilroy-Silk, Nick explains how John has ruined his brain, there's more rubbish about games, and then we move on to Chess 2. Adding to our intolerance of women, the Chinese and the blind, this time we include the Jews.
So, please tell us your best aphorisms. Tweet them, email them, or best of all, leave them as comments below.
Episode 148 of Rum Doings is an argument. While we certainly don't discuss why we're copying America's Halloween, we instead briefly cover topics of kittens pooing in sinks, the bitterness of coffee, and then we fight. It's that one where Nick argues that being offensive is good, and John argues that he should be allowed to express when something is offensive, and then we start shouting at each other.
It goes on for about half an hour.
Episode 147 of Rum Doings is a crisis late-night recording, after the occurrence of breaking events that could not wait for our irregularly unscheduled programme. While in a pet shop, John heard a brief moment of Steve Wright In The Afternoon on BBC Radio 2. What he heard was of such insignificance that immediate action had to be taken. The Rum Signal was shone onto the sky, and Team Rum assembled in the especially constructed emergency bunker, to ensure this insipid inanity couldn't go unpunished.
Then we carried on.
In the 146th episode of Rum Doings, we don't discuss why people should take the wind more seriously. But we do talk about Russell Brand, because we were told to. And Garfield, castles and why the Welsh language should be dead. There's a very brief TV review, leading us into a chat about Joss Whedon. Also, Nick is St. John the Baptist. There's a star available for the best listeners, so listen out for that!
In the 143rd episode of Rum Doings, we don't discuss population control. And we're no longer on a cruise. So life is empty. But John has recently gained a kitten, and that's quite the matter. We express just how much we don't know the right answer for Syria, nor indeed about fracking. We explain how you can buy anything you want when you're buying a house, and also the complete lack of past kissing antics by our wives.
In the 141th episode of Rum Doings, for the penultimate time sat on the balcony of John and Laura's cruising cabin, we're attacked by pirates! Aiieeee!
Listen to more tales of Nick and John's jacuzzi love, and kayaking adventures, before we're interrupted by the appearance of a GHOST LIGHTHOUSE!
There are tales of awful, awful Bergen, and our newfound career as photography models.
Heaven high. It's episode 135 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss all manner of things that we end up discussing anyway. Including the Conservative's peculiar backpeddling on gay marriage, the current state of South Africa, and the new-found potency of the cold virus.
There's some lovely chat about Ferage, and then a review of Eurovision.
We recall the majesty of Wogan's Web, the dreariness of Doctor Who, and John's potential new house.
Heaven high. It's episode 134 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss whether it's time for someone stood up for the rights of the white, hetrosexual male. But we do discuss John's cold, and then a worrying return to cream teas. We explain why some people can't be followed on Twitter, and then have a nice discussion about that nice boy, Justin Bieber. And John puts a hit out on Mark Kermode.
We announce plans to close down the Lake District, give away far too many personal details about ourselves, and predict our future leader, Prime Minister Wibblywob, leader of the Spoil Party. And once more we find ourselves upset by the ages of celebrities.
Heaven high. It's episode 133 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss whether pensioners should donate their bus passes to charity. Instead we somnambulistically chatter about sleep, poo Braille, and periods. Then Nick begins a sizeable lecture on Bach. No, don't be scared, it's good.
We express our lifelong dismay that we never married cello players, John regales his anthropological journey into ITV, and we laugh in horror at UKIP. And then we explain in detail how everything is the fault of the immigrants, especially the one that is Nick.
Heaven high. It's episode 131 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss whether teachers should stop teaching their liberal views of history. Instead we talk about the latest news in the Boston bombings, as insensitively as you might expect.
Heaven high. It's episode 131 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss what to do with the interest rates. And then despite Nick's insistence before we started recording that he didn't want to, he then insists on talking about John's misogyny/sexism article on RPS for about forty million years. We do also discuss other more important matters, such as The Golden Girls, accidental upgrades, and My Little Pony.
Heaven high, listeners. It's episode 129 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss whatever happened to the dinosaurs. Instead we talk about how John is the most hated man in the world, Nick's experiences at a comedy gig, and John is finally brought back down to Earth from his delusional celebrity.
We then play "Guess The Newspaper From The Headline", the game that's sweeping the nation, Nick explains why the SNP won't win, and then there are more lessons in healthy eating from our nutritionist guru. Learn how Nick's daughter turned into a guinea pig, the murderous ways of Ricarda Bigjoan, and some slightly more introspective discussion of the nature of bullying of trans* people. And bad laughers.
We're back, back, back. It's episode 129 of Rum Doings, in which we don't discuss how all this snow cuh global warming! Instead we talk about the silliness of condemning bacon, the sugariness of Coca Cola, and then we partake in the Pukka Bath Quiz.
As per usual, Nick insists on talking about videogames, and the SimCity nonsense. And then John explains how forgetting a bag literally led to a matter of life or death. We discuss death, and being old, and how our parents are never allowed to die.
It's episode 128 of Rum Doings! This week we don't discuss the illegality of trains and windmills. John speaks from deep inside a cold, while Nick speaks from the bottom of a well, as we discuss John and Laura's freshly launched blog, Pregnant Pause. And thus the machinations of masturbating in a hospital.
Nick needs viewing suggestions for his flight, and John did the very impossible and stayed in a good British hotel.
A belated episode is pretty much all about offence. For once not our being offensive, but rather discussing when we're offended. This begins with a grilling of John for his new-found puritanical ways, and a grilling of Nick as to why he's so debauched.
There's unanimous celebration of the snow, as Nick revels in his joy about the weather. We walk dangerously close to the topic of gender once more, condemn those who've made their mind up about all manner of complex matters, then Nick describes the birth of a new racial stereotype. And we make it clear that Miranda is not funny.
It's a new year, a brand new start, a fresh... nope, it's the usual Rum Doings. Episode 126 begins with brief chatter about Christmas, destroying showers, and the role of conferences. We explore the learning of languages, and scientifically calculate which is the best language to listen to.
We learn what's wrong with Tolkien, Peter Jackson, and digital cinema. And what's right with Paul Thomas Anderson and Sam Raimi. And then John explains what was right with Peter Jackson. And then it ends.
It's the Rum Doings Christmas Special! A double-length episode to see you through into the new year, with John sounding like he's in another room - turns out the new mic isn't multi-directional. We'll return to Mr Droopy in 2013.
What do we discuss? I'm not going to tell you! (Although I'll warn there's rather a lot of penis talk.) You're the sort who rattles and sniffs your presents, aren't you? Well you'll have to just unwrap it.
Episode 124 of Rum Doings sees us getting into a Christmas mood with, er, a bottle of Bacardi Breezer. Taking Christmassy questions from Twitter, we begin by discussing favourite Christmas presents (Nick's is of course a videogame), and then divert off onto John's late grandmother and her lying ways. Nostalgia sweeps over both of us, before diverting yet again toward Harry Enfield, and his ">Question Time sketch.
We solve so many of your problems, work out what a secret Santa present should be, and make rulings on whether murder is okay.
In episode 123 of Rum Doings, Nick and John don't discuss the nightmare of nightmare neighbours. But they do concentrate on important discussions such as the rhyming nature of the alphabet, Laura's fleeing John to Germany, and why ladies are only allowed to address Bristol University CU when accompanied by their husband.
We discover just how angelic blind people are, according to the Big Bumper Book Of Facts, explore Starbucks' finances, and tell 14th century jokes.
In a disgusting ignoring of the most precious rules, Rum Doings Episode 122 begins with our discussing the topic. At length. We understand if you'll no longer be listening. This rather sets the tone for the episode, as we find ourselves mostly discussing Daily Mail stories, which is - in fairness - when our podcast is best. Nick also finally reads the second story from his internet primer book, which I can strongly recommend for those having trouble getting to sleep.
More Daily Mail, the lack of ladybishops, fond memories of Mary Whitehouse, and working out Sophie Borland news stories. If you have any suggestions, post them below.
We'd really love it if you left a review on iTunes. Yes, iTunes is hideous, but reviews on there are what get podcasts more attention. After 100 free episodes, we'd love you to return the favour by writing a quick review.
We're back! It's episode 121 of Rum Doings. With Nick too lazy to travel to Bath, still, we're back online. But! Not on Skype! Using Mumble, as so many suggested, we have a much more natural conversation (although still not as good as the real thing). This week we don't discuss whether Phillip Schofield should be in charge of solving all crime. Obviously we discuss the recent US election, and the consequences of it all for the Republican party. There's also talk of Page 3, and the place boobies hold in our society. Breast feeding, Nuts and topless bathing are all places where you can see boobs, as we extensively explain.
There's a brief discussion of the games journalism row of a couple of weeks back, and Nick inevitably tries to make everything much worse. And then we ponder the new arch bish, and the embarrassing position the Church Of England still takes on same sex couples. And that's your lot.
It's Rum Doings Episode 120! They didn't say it couldn't be done, because they didn't care. To celebrate this monumental milestone, we don't shut up for ages. In a bumper-length episode we talk our usual rubbish for 85 non-stop minutes.
Swigging on Japanese rum, with accompanying lame racism, we turn to the esteemed journal, The Practising Midwife. Here we learn how witchcraft is used by midwifes to save babies. We figure out the mistake all previous prime ministers have made when firing their shamed ministers, and then naturally move on to comics. That takes us to why we didn't enjoy Lord Of The Rings, and eventually the feminism of Arnie and Stallone. Which then means we insist you watch The Villain.
At the start of the second half we ponder Timmy Mallett, and find ourselves discussing Saturday morning television. Including John's appearance thereon. Then some magic. And then some reminiscing about when we didn't hate DVDs.
Rum Doings in the flesh! At last, at long long last, we're in the same room, for episode 119. Not discussing Skype, we celebrate our corporeal companionship by drinking some actual, proper rum. It's like the good old days.
What the hell is John's problem with booth babes? Why does John deserve all the thanks? And then Nick decides to once more wander into the topic of trans matters.
Of course we stumble briefly into the story about Jimmy Saville, but then quickly move on to John's holiday to Nazi Austria. This takes us to a comparison of the London and Vienna natural history museums, and naturally onto the most efficient way to buy a Starbucks. Things take a slightly odder tone, and then everything comes to an abrupt end when Nick refuses to carry on with Victoria in the room. And thank goodness, after what Nick said.
Episode 118 of Rum Doings we begin with Nick's revelation that all Austrians are Nazis, then learn the TRUTH about what tooth dreams mean.
An extended argument about the efficacy of acupuncture gets a little heated, before we realise it's time for our weekly round-up of Romney's adventures.
There's no Rum Doings next week, as John's away on his holidays, so imagine an episode of your own creation.
Episode 117 of Rum Doings wants to tell you a story. And when we're done, we discuss the scandalous underground dog food crime ring taking place in John's street, Laura's spectral science, and the demise of Ubi's DRM. We check in on our weekly "Can We Envisage President Romney?" feature, and wonder why the American Christian-right are accepting a Mormon.
Episode 116 of Rum Doings comes in a week following a week that had a Rum Doings in it! To celebrate our sweet one hundred and sixteen, we don't discuss whether Apple has the right to unsharp corners.
Highlights include thoughts on the Paralympics, booing at George Osborne, and the death of cats. Then we learn a great deal about carpet cleaning.
Episode 115 of Rum Doings is a very, very late episode, recorded while the Olympics were still on. Nick then took a week to send his files to John, then John took a week to put them online. We are both rubbish, and we apologise. But fortunately, it’s a top-notch episode, despite being recorded on Skype with the line dropping very near the end. No, really, it’s still good! Highlights include the renaming of John’s wife, the discovery of the Kitchen Fairy, and Nick lying about visiting Bath. We watch sunsets on Mars, John has actually been running, and we express our surprise at just how good the Olympics were.
In a surprise early episode 114 of Rum Doings, Nick and John record an episode while the events of the weekend are fresh in their minds. Nick attended the Olympic opening ceremony, and has quite a bit to say on the Britain it portrayed. While John wrote a blog post (below) that rather a lot of people looked at. We discuss them both, entirely forgetting to have a topic not to talk about.
Fresh as the morning dew, episode 113 of Rum Doings was recorded only moments ago. John with a cold, Nick with a smoke up his nose, we don't discuss whether extended Twitter downtime will affect the Olympics. But we do discuss the potential for the opening ceremony, to which Nicholas shall attend. We question whether there should be a paralympics at all, and then move onto the strangeness of Mitt Romney.
Is gaming moving to Linux? We don't actually discuss that, but Nick does explain just what a disaster Windows 8 is going to be. We wonder how Sorkin's The Newsroom could be better, and then decide to get rid of wee-wees and poo-poos. Would you jump into a volcano? Would you watch White Collar? Would you be a Scottish Catholic?
Goodness, it's been a while. But finally, Rum Doings returns with episode 112, not asking what ambulances are going to do now there are Olympic lanes. It's a Skype episode, but we seem to have the sound pretty well fixed now, so apart from even more talking over each other than usual it's one heck of a step up from the terrible echoes of the last couple.
Although there wasn't even a plan to record at all on this evening, as John was supposed to be having a romantic night away in a hotel. As you might expect, why he's not there is the first matter discussed. How do you escape from a hotel? We then move on to plugging Nick's brother's book, The Fastest Loser, which you should buy.
There's brief chat about the Google Nexus and Raspberry Pi, and Ouya, before we move onto more important matters - the details of the Farmborough W.I. July meeting. There's more news from our new favourite paper, the Midsomer Norton, Radstock and District Journal, including a footpath we must save, and a lady who wants to set our heads on fire.
We look at the Onion's extraordinary response to the Daniel Tosh rape joke furore. A quick glance at the banks leads on to Nick's obsessive, dangerous stalking of Ben Goldacre.
Bum dum Rum Doings episode 111! Back in our echo chamber, at the bottom of a giant well made of metal, we try to read out an email but then get distracted by everything. Nick apparently wants to "fix" Laura, and then John gets angry with a man. We dismiss the BMI, tell Money Supermarket to go away, and then finally read the email. About someone setting their house on fire because of Rum Doings. A bit.
It gets boring for a while, then we talk about how people are precious over dead bodies, and why John wants to be eaten by sharks. Did you know that baby cells live inside mummies? Probably if you listen to Radio Lab. But we talk about it inexpertly with some of the facts wrong. It turns out Nick's daughter gets violent when her grammar is corrected, giraffes are tall, and Microsoft doesn't have a brain in its tail.
Welcome to a very echoey episode, Rum Doings 110. Trapped in the attic of Nick's evil enterprise, the acoustics match the décor, as we begin as banal as possible by discussing the weather. Then we swiftly leap to poking tubes through all of Nick's holes.
We question the usefulness of our eyes, and Nick banishes all discussion of free will. John then shares his quiz show schadenfreude, Nick dares to question the Anglican church, and we voice how impressed we are at how the government responds to Leveson. Jigsaws are briefly mentioned before moving on to pointing out how women can't really do science. There's a short eulogy to Nick's cat, Minnie, and then it ends.
Something bloody terrible has happened. Nick has recorded an episode of Rum Doings with Judge Coxcombe, but not John Walker, seemingly on a wax cylinder in a wind tunnel. What manner of madness is this?! And why are they sat beside the Mediterranean without him? (Well, because he turned down the invitation because the flights cost too much.)
But, despite this despicable action, this is indeed Rum Doings Episode 109, in which it's not discussed whether John will be annoyed by the recording of this episode without him. HE'S FINE. Sipping pudding wine, they discuss bathing together, then as flipping usual Nick brings up videogames. Instructing Judge Coxcombe to judge the show as experienced from Spain, they explore the concept of this "music", and then predict the future of gaming.
Europe is explained in the simplest form - a cream egg - and then the pair move on to gay politicians. And they get run over by a tractor.
Gosh, this nearly didn't happen. After another week of not being able to travel to meet up, John and Nick once more resorted to crappy old Skype, where John is far too loud, to ensure there'd be an episode before next week's week off too. So episode 108 is a slightly talking-over-each-other job, in which we don't discuss whether pasties should be available on the NHS. (It's only occurred to me now as I write this that pasties in America are something rather different to in the UK, and yet I think it still works.)
We discuss John's impressive squits, and then on a similar matter move on to talk about Jeremy Hunt and the Leveson enquiry. We wonder what it might be like to have porn stars for parents, and ponder the wisdom of trusting God to stop snakes from biting you to death. Again we celebrate how much money people are willing to pay for the Humble Indie Bundle, and wonder if the Youth Of Today still use instant messenger. There's discussion of the maddest lady in the world, somehow convincing us to like David Davies, and think about the deaths of languages.
In Rum Doings 107, we begin by revealing not only how much this damned thing costs us, but an outbreak of sheer honesty. After plotting the demise of a clock, we return to your subjects about which you want us to be angry. Which kicks off with people who stop suddenly on pavements. HNGH!
We establish the rules on looking into people's windows, spilling things on shirts, and are cornered into discussing how cats are annoying. Is saying "sigh" acceptable? How severely should we punish prestige car drivers?
Nick gets awfully cross about litter, and then when asked to be cross about American politics, we slightly miss target and rant about British and Ancient Roman politics.
In episode 106 of Bum Pooings, while we don't discuss the over-population of Britain's towns, we instead received your tweets explaining what makes you annoyed. Whatever it might be, we decided we'd be angry too.
Whether a listener should join the army distracts us slightly, and then Nick breaks his own rule and starts going on about games as usual. Then we do get cross about the data retention directive, the use of "gay" as a pejorative (although we do end up banning the word entirely), bad service, and then distract ourselves with suspensions and expulsions from school.
Learn that John can pick up heavy things, and then we get back to being enraged, this time about plug sockets. Is John an insane homophobic bigot when it comes to marriage? Then Nick tries to get John even further in trouble. And then it ends.
It's the onehundredandfifth episode of Rum Doings, which is far too many of anything. Our beginnings are found in Nick's having illegally recorded John's ugly road rage, which is reproduced for our listening pleasure (with some subtle editing). Then after a foray into burns and tattoos, proving that all lesbians are robots, and noting the arrogance of Newton, we take to the homepage of the Daily Mail, to explore the reasons behind their success.
The extremely right-wing paper betrays itself with a peculiarly grungy tabloid bottomless column of celebrities with their boobies out. But have John and Nick ever heard of either of them? We focus more especially on one story, because it's about buying a rolling pin, before we realise quite how foul it is. This would be Courtney Stodden. You can read the story here (although they appear to have finally edited some of it.)
We then get a bit distracted by our thieving ways, and grumble about how rubbish DVDs are.
Episode 103 of Rum Doings is voiced by two tired, over-fed, and cold-riddled men, hidden away in a dark lounge while their wives sleep. We don't discuss how it could be possible that there's a hosepipe ban AND flood warnings!!!! Instead we explain the new rules for standing ovations. We discover that we're both terrible Jews, but not as bad as Mel Gibson.
We remember our ridiculous lunchtime meal, where Nick definitely didn't ignore the basic tenets of his inherited religion, and then almost instantly move onto Nick's favourite topic, games. Which he keeps bringing up. This time Kickstarted games. Then the dangers of bacon-flavoured drugs, why cocaine makes you a dick, and how LSD became naughty.
Talk of cats gets us to superstitious pigeons, and eventually Elmo. Then we feel oooooooooooold. Also, now, from 80 years old laws don't count for you. Oh, and people called Lee are banned from listening.
In a somnambulistic, rather long one hundred and second episode of Rum Doings, we don't discuss whether it's time to stop not discussing things. Nick and John still find the effort the argue despite the late hour. Beginning with Galloway, things naturally quickly switch to Just A Minute and Indian politics. And then back to British politics, and the current trend for pretending to like Islam.
We enjoy some splendid lemony booze from the lovely Ed Stern, argue over what age people become humans, ponder the last time we listened to a CD, tape cassette or VHS tape. We are old. John discussed the Mountain Goats/Anonymous 4 gig he'd recently seen, we question the possibility of monitoring everyone's emails, and then things get a little heated as we consider the strip club.
Nick recalls when John was on the receiving end of some sexual attention, discuss Enid Blyton again, and Nick tells us about the evening his stomach went on holiday. Then we get uncharacteristically serious and talk about anorexia and bulimia. Then things return to normal as we talk about the uselessness of pandas.
In Rum Doings 101 we eat sweeties! Sugary sugar-free sweeties. And then enter something that's going to dominate most of our Eastery episode - a leaflet from the local health food shop, promising it can cure all our ailments. That's enough for most of an episode of Rum Doings.
In the Rum Doings episode 100 spectacular, we don't discuss the fact that it's the 100th episode. So instead we talk about what we've been up to for the last few weeks, including John's stories of being in America, and indeed the Lake District.
For some reason that we aren't going to mention, we have all manner of rum goodies in the episode, including a rum sponge cake from Nick's wife Victoria, gingerbread rum from Nick's brother, and rum butter from the wilds of Windermere.
With our faces stuffed we rank American cities in order of bestness, argue about breakfast, and explain how John fell down the stairs. And how he broke the hotel. And then we're back in England, where the sausages are apparently boiled. There are some very serious concerns about the North West's cream tea provisions, and their parking prices.
In episode 99C of Rum Doings we don't even have time to tell you what happened, so quickly have we recorded it and uploaded. Find out for yourself by listening! But we do mention the Muppets, and swearing, and Nick goes on about something or other.
Rum Doings 99B doesn't discuss whether a cat or a dog is better, but begins with SCIENCE, as Nick engages in a blind test to see if he can identify the difference between bad tea and decaffeinated tea. We recognise that podcasts are marvellous, ponder if it would have been so bad if SOPA had won, and ask whether there's a way to find out what words mean.
Which fish is the biggest nob? Why might we not move to America? Was Nick looking forward to FOSDEM because he'd obviously already been. Do we want 3D printers? That's a question you obviously can't ask without inevitably talking about making a dildo in the shape of your own penis. Top Chef vs Masterchef: the ultimate battle. Which race does Nick like the least? And John reveals a horrible prejudice. Another one. And we talk a bit about how Rum Doings isn't copyrighted in any stupid way - see the link at the bottom of this blog for the copyleft license it's under.
In episode 99A of Rum Doings - the podcast for the new generation - we don't discuss whether it's about time we abandoned the TV license and reintroduced the dog license. And then we took to Twitter to find out what it was we were supposed to be talking about.
Which we then ignore for ages and talk about the importance of rum for preventing heart disease, how you only exist if you podcast, and then finally turn to a tweet for how copyright will be interpreted by the next generation.
Is it more humane to keep a robot pet? Or how about a robot wife? Why aren't there boobies on children's TV? And why can't Sherlock Holmes investigate the missing grammar?
We consider the difficulty curve of petrol stations, the most bestest academic discipline, and then someone flicks the vegetarian-rant switch on Nick. Can a Morman be president of America? And are gays icky?
Annoyingly in episode 98 of Rum Doings, we don't discuss which letters of the alphabet should be removed. But instead we gain insight into the tragedy of John's life.
We learn how Philadelphian trains cause rampant terrorism, paedophilia and puns. Nick dunks himself into a nice mug of tea, and we consider the artificial nature of jellyfish. We talk about the artifice of Hollywood, the artistry of The Artist, and how we hit our wives.
Did Nick ever microwave his baby? Does Dexter still have a pee-pee? Are Smarties right for you? And then we talk about Rock, Paper, Shotgun's hack, before we move onto Nick's extraordinary array of retro computer floppy disc sound effects. It's a thing to behold.
In a pre-recorded episode 97 of Rum Doings, we don't discuss this week's SOPA activities because we recorded this weeks ago. But it's the final part of our Judge Coxcombe trilogy, where we take questions from the audience. We begin with some real life, and then quickly get into cuddly character as we question Nick's absence. We celebrate making money by letting things be free, and then impressively we DO talk about SOPA! We are prescient.
Then we turn to the Twitters to solve your woes. The choice between trifle and banana crunch! Whether Mark Kermode is a big twit (he is)! Dealing with txtspk! The future of newspapers! These exclamation marks feel inappropriate!
We ponder Kunstler, whether it's okay to associate with people who like George Galloway, how marshmallows predict your future, and the hypothetical kitchen of Nicholas Mailer. And who will Baby Judith grow up to be?
In episode 96 of Rum Doings, the second part of our Judge Coxcombe Trilogy, we don't discuss whether Windows 8 will be Microsoft's Window's Vista, but we do contemplate whether Nick can love himself.
We celebrate the remarkable hero, BushMan, remember when people liked Adrian Chiles, then look forward to seeing Eurovision in a rat-infested shed. Then things fall apart as we disagree on the colours of the days of the week.
Would we teleport? How come Star Trek was so rubbish at computers? Was Ted Heath asexual? And who will be the next leaders of various UK parties?
In episode 95 of Rum Doings, we're re-joined by regular guest Judge Coxcombe. Who receives a rich welcome.
There are Latin grammar lessons, book recommendations for Nick, and words for winkies. John argues against word gender, Martin talks Dick, and the loveliness of quantum mechanics. There are more book reviews, the contentious early versions of the Gospel of Mark, and how John De Lancie wrote the Bible. And are Nick and John... the same person?
Rum Doings episode 94 begins with quite the clanger! John's freshly appointed wife reveals she is carrying Nick's lovechild. (Also, we can't count and thought this would go out after the New Year.) Which is only appropriate, since this pre-recorded episode (as opposed to those we perform live in your ears) contains our offering advice to our listeners. Our rubbish, rubbish listeners.
John has recently discovered the splendid podcast, My Brother My Brother And Me, and as is always the way of the great artistic minds, wanted to copy it for one week. Incorrectly stating that they no longer take questions from listeners, thus attempting to fill a gap that's already filled just fine, we begin by suggesting meeting women at refuge shelters. We are keeping it classy.
How to deal with loose skin, survive a mortgage, fake your own death (and indeed get away with your own murder), things to do in the bath, how to marry cats and dogs, and then we move on to just being horrible racists as usual. We consider how much better life is if you don't live as if you're constantly about to be burgled or stolen from, and much discussion of wee. We then get a weeny bit more serious and address a final question on social anxiety disorder, with some genuinely sensible advice.
And don't take our insults too personally - we love you all, even though you're all so rubbish.
After losing our first start to episode 93, we attempt to begin all over again by trying to get the cardboard box burier out of jail. John explains how difficult it is to not buy a diamond ring, Australian rum that Nick pretends is nice, and there's the best bottle ugg-gugg-gugging OF ALL TIME.
Nick prepares himself for Chrimbles, and then we get onto the ancient news of the idiotic reaction to Jeremy Clarkson's comments on The One Show. And then we're suddenly invaded by the potty-mouth of Nick's wife, which seems to break Nick's brain. She is the Irene Adler to Nick's Holmes.
We explain why Rum Doings can never end, how John gives up on EVERYTHING, including television because of his annoying wife. And we spend some time pulling apart David Cameron's ridiculous speech, on why the King James Bible is a terrible thing, and why Christianity does not take well to being institutionalised.
Episode 92 of Rum Doings is the last one before the new year, because Nick's about to have his neck slit open by trained professionals. Please wish him well via the magic of Twitter.
We don't discuss what to do now Europe is over, but we do delve deeply into the wonderful world of aural hypnosis, and parental relaxation. We learn how PCs don't want to be built. And Nick explains how the time for videogames is over.
We decide the weather, miss Diana, and discover quite what a meanie the Queen is. We dismiss the financial crisis. And we learn the sad truth behind Bing.
In Episode 91 of Rum Doings we don't discuss when we're finally going to let go of our dependence on books. But instead we drink beer+coffee, and Baroness Von Greenfield, the best scientist in all the land. We celebrate how she streamlines science, and then discuss the metaphorical nature of gaming.
John reveals a terrible disability, and then we discuss the problems inherent in Michael Buerk. Which takes us on to how much we hate the gays. Then to the issues of the atavistic reader, the beginnings of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, and the terrible state of Future Publishing. We then talk about the delightful late Steve Jobs, Stephen Fry, and a quick burst of phone hacking.
John would love to tell you more about what happens in Episode 90 of Rum Doings, but he has to leave. No, really - he's got a meeting in Guildford, and if he doesn't get ready to go now he'll be late. Nick is furious with John for not being better prepared and writing a fuller description of this week's episode, but really Nick should just be thankful John got it uploaded at all, and with Nick's expectations of John set so low, you'd think he'd be pleasantly surprised more often.
John can tell you that we talk about the Occupy protests and the police response, as well as other topics in quick succession in a manner to which listeners will likely be accustomed. And it's all tremendously good.
In episode 89 of Rum Doings, we don’t discuss the whether there’s going to be a saviour for our scourge of bad language. But we do discuss Sesame Street, Jimmy Saville, Australian finances and what we like the least about getting married. It’s all part of our attempt to talk about positive things.
John practises some misogyny, then Nick demands we talk about the thick seam of homophobia that runs through the gaming community. Which takes us onto an attempt to understand why homophobia seems to be the go-to hatred for so many groups. We establish why having things in common isn’t the ideal recipe for a relationship, monotheism, and the joy of two duvets. Then tales of hunts for passports.
Episode 88 of Rum Doings sees us wake up after a week's sleep on Nick's studio sofa. Emerging from this slumber we talk about how awful Terra Nova is, then remember that our topic isn't: Is the National Lottery just a tax on the poor?
John then insults the religion of peace, and finally gets around to explaining why he's excited about nothing. New beds, Nick's daughter's ghastly guttural dialect, and the joys of intra-race racism, all cross our lips. And what does "pique" mean? Nick's determined to learn more about Minecraft, and then we remember the magic that was Rubik's Magic.
In Episode 87 of Rum Doings, Nick and John finally reconvene after a month's gap brought on by weddings, honeymoons and appendectomies. So it should come as little surprise that in an episode in which we don't discuss , we talk about weddings, honeymoons and appendectomies.
New sofas, pudding wines, and goodness us, what's this? The very first ever live Rum Doings consumption of a cream tea!
There's theological debate about contemporary Christian music and bishops, tales of our appendices, and screaming nurses. And then a heartfelt series of thank yous for the remarkable generosity shown by Rum Doings listeners for John's wedding. (Quick update: Debenhams have found lots of the missing items, and the throw appeared despite apparently not being paid for.)
Episode 84 of Rum Doings comes to you LIVE from when it was recorded, offering echoey discussions of all the most important topics of the day. Like whether we should ban printers. And honeymoons.
John has to break some bad news to Nick, and then pretty much ensures he won't be having a great time on his honeymoon. Then we naturally move on to incest, and the advantages thereof. And how to continue the line of were-panthers. Then for some reason Nick brings up videogames again.
Why is Chicago great? Can you take a girl out of Wolverhampton?
In an episode recorded long, long ago, in the distant past, before what the world has come to know as "Those Riots", Nick and John don't ask why they don't just fill all those potholes in? Instead there's chat about the Creation Museum in Kentucky, to which neither John nor Nick has visited. And we strike upon the reason the dinosaurs died out!
Learn how to make mayonnaise, while Nick proves himself to be the new Michael Winslow, and soaks a mug of tea into John's favourite chair. We prove that eggs are magic, and then plot selling Rock, Paper, Shotgun.
In Rum Doings episode 81, we don't discuss Amy Winehouse. But we do once more brave the Tesco Value White Rum. Then John tells a long boring story about getting screwed over by a letting agency. Fortunately we then move on to Nick's criticising Rock, Paper, Shotgun. Who is the best writer there? It is John.
There's a celebration of the Kindle, which inevitably brings us to the hideousness that is church bells, including some expert campanology. Then Nick has an Excellent Idea. Will Dexter attend John's forthcoming wedding?
Then as everyone always likes best, we discuss a TV show at length. But it's about magic! Penn & Teller's Fool Us, for which it turns out Nick sat in the audience. Magic magic magic.
In Rum Doings Episode 80 we don't discuss whether anyone has the courage to stand up for the endangered British light bulb? But we add an extra season to the year.
Then it's imperative that you contribute to this Kickstarter project, even though they've exceeded their total. It's Ironbuds.
We consider our racism, homophobia, transphobia and so on. Then John lays out his plan for the Photograph From Behind service, and then of course there are some discussions of matters of the behind.
But then the highlight of the episode - we read out all the magnificent suggestions we've had for our "What did the ghost say when he won the prize?" John tells a terrible story about some headmaster, and then we discuss the important subject of toilet paper, and the weeing habits of babies.
More homework is set. We need answers to the following joke:
What did the mountain say when he went to the beach?
In Rum Doings 78 we don't discuss who is to answer for the Olympic ticket fiasco furore. We then drink a suspicious-looking rhum, and instantly ban being foreign.
We then discuss... sugar! It's going to be an award winning episode. Nick mentions this lecture. Sugar takes us to water, which takes us to how John is better than his sister. Then we move on to our greatest subject of all time, So Haunt Me. And learn of the sad death of Miriam Karlin.
We both have something of a revelation of the nature of our relationships, and then ask that ultimate question: have you ever seen a ghost? No, we don't really ask that. But we do consider what we'd do if we ever thought we had. Then Nick explains to John that events he went through never took place.
Are we disappointed that we'll never go into space? And plane crashes. Which brings us to Nick's specialist subject of plane safety. You get to find out why planes sound like barking dogs.
In episode 77 of Rum Doings things return to normal. Just John, Nick, a bottle of rum and a microphone. Aaaaand relax. So we don't discuss: is yet another washed out, rainy British summer the final nail in the coffin of the global warming conspiracy.
There's some familiar complaining about how rubbish our listeners are, which somehow takes us into a dangerous new territory of telling jokes. This has portent. Fortunately we're diverted by Nick's exciting throat news, and then Nick ATTACKS John over how hard John works on this podcast, because Nick is a BUMFACE.
We voice some thoughts on mobile phone hacking, and then get onto grammar, which takes us to Nick's education, and the books we were taught at school. Encounters of racism in childhood lead us back to horrendous jokes, and the floodgates are open.
In a very special edition of Rum Doings, Nick and John sit down with Boing Boing co-editor Cory Doctorow, and MakieLab founder and former head of Channel 4 Games, Alice Taylor. Just like John and Nick, they too are a married couple, one half obsessed with copyright issues, the other with games. It only made sense.
For some reason we chose to make Nick sit in an echo chamber - sometimes he needs to be kept aside for our safety. We begin discussing Disney, considering dark rides as an art form, the nature of their theme parks' sponsorship, and the consequences of their idealism. Which is the most evil games publisher of the day, did Blackbird destroy the internet, and are Adobe in trouble?
What happens when printers print something better than themselves? And then as inevitably as day turns into zombie apocalypse, we turn to intellectual property law. What copyright issues will 3D printing lead to? What code is running on our computers against our will? And will our predictions of the future always be "insufficiently weird".
Amazingly we get onto the economy of Star Trek, via the consequences of teleporters. There is much discussion of the consequences of new technology on, well, everything. And then comes piracy, geocoding, and the surprise appearance of LittleBigPlanet developer, Luke Petre. Finally, we move on to talking about MakieLab's project to develop 3D toys linked to online gaming.
Big thanks to Cory and Alice (and Luke!) for joining us!
Welcome to Rum Doings... Late. Episode 75 was recorded after midnight, which means things are a little more... sexxxxy. It must be listened to after midnight, naked. Ideally on a creaky leather sofa.
We're not discussing whether Madonna's gone too far with her latest reinvention. But instead do discuss dipping biscuits in wine, and Nick quite alarmingly holds John's hand. There's chatter about booth babes, prosperity preaching, and the singularity.
Find out about the nature of Nick's aquatic affair with John's sister, find a middle name for Laura, and what John and Laura's vows should be. Especially to Dexter. And it's all so sexxxxxxxxxxxxxy. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Late night. Mmmmmmmm.
In episode 74 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether celebrity is good for democracy. But we do drink gingerbread cream liqueur. It's also the third and final episode containing Judge Martin Coxcombe, who will finally rule on whether John Walker is allowed.
Thoughts appear on stag dos, and then there's a splendid foray into making up facts. Something Nick doesn't quite get. We get all serious about anti-Semitism, less so about night terrors, riddles, and video toasters. Is John a bear? Does his Gay Day contribute to that? Are brown eyed people normal? And how does Judge Coxcombe finally rule on John?
With Nick on holiday, and John in the throes of E3, it's a good job we pre-recorded Episode 73 of Rum Doings. This week we don't discuss... we forget! Until ages in!
We get too excited by potentially gloopy liquid. And then with a sense of topicality you can only hope for from us, we discuss the distinct lack of a rapture. Special guest Judge Martin "Coxcombe" Coxall is inspired to start a new religion. Via a brief chat about cats, we then ponder copyright, publishing and piracy.
Oh, the topic! Is the NHS just a fairytale that won't have a happy ending? And are there ladytits at E3? Which brands of mental allow you a blue badge? And then we're very sensitive about DID. And Operation.
In a sweary, adult-themed Rum Doings episode 72, we allow an email from a listener to provide a foundation for a good proportion of the episode. Which means we need an arbitrator, who exists in the form of special guest Judge Martin Coxall.
The email prompts discussions about the roles John and Nick bring to the podcast: Nick’s unabashed intelligence, and John’s desperate, failed attempts to try to be funny. Should we swear more? Should we not swear less? Is there anything wrong with the word “poo”? No. No there is not.
We introduce a new system for Nick to indicate when John’s trying too hard, such that Judge Coxcombe can interject with a ruling.
Once that’s complete, we move on to discuss super-injunctions. And Nick goes to some lengths to get himself sued into outer space. A pretty in-depth discussion of privacy, law and blackmailing follows.
Nick and John forget how their own running jokes work, then Nick forgets how jokes work. We have rather an intelligent chat about physics (disclaimer: not true), Nick's synesthesia gets out of control, and we regale you with tales of book shopping. Do blind people appreciate black? For some reason we talk about Fawlty Towers, what we'll tell our children about death, Nick accuses John of murder (again), and then move on to smelling wee.
Long-suffering fiancée Laura had better prepare for her Rum Doings exam if she wants to get married, we learn of Dexter's immortality, and the deadline for the holocaust. And cat sick. And find out that John's a racist.
Why, it’s episode 70 of Rum Doing, where we’re joined by very special guest, the late John Walker. This week we don’t discuss the lessons we’ve learned from the electorate about the tough choices we’ve had to make in dealing with the economic mess that Labour have left us to deal with.
We talk about the return of Adam & Joe, which brings us onto Nick’s plan for a movie where nothing goes wrong. There’s detailed discussions of the nature of scones, and what should replace “obey” in marriage vows. And then, well, I’m sorry – we have a nice long discussion about John’s bumhole. Therefore of course we move on to the wholesome topic of suppositories. And having fingers stuck up your bum! Make sure to listen to this episode while eating.
What’s your favourite biscuit? Is probably our lowest ebb. But it at least brings us to something of some vague substance, as Nick tries to explain his issues with the SNP. And how rubbish Laura is. She says “haitch”. Ew. We tell off people for their autobiography names, South African races, and other waffle.
It’s episode 69 of Rum Doings! Tee hee hee! Snort.
In this episode we don’t discuss whether it’s time to put an end to the scourge of supermarket self checkout before it is too late. But we do discuss tomorrow’s vote.
That’s why this is up a day early. We recorded it in a day from the past, expecting to post it on Thursday, but in the wake of the swell of support for AV we’ve decided to put it up a day early. Because we really want to encourage Britishers to spoil. For arguments why, make sure to check out this fine post about it.
Beforehand we risk our lives with some ASDA energy drink, and with that coursing through our veins we begin a discussion of the upcoming vote. John makes the argument for spoiling, while Nick puts forward some even more radical positions. John discusses his encounter with a troubled Lib Dem councillor, and we get alittlebitpoliticalladiesandgentlemen.
An attempt to change gears by addressing more listener questions is almost immediately interrupted by the noisiest escape attempt by the prisoner in John’s basement. That sound accompanies thoughts on Piers Moron, dancing, how to eat an Easter egg, why we’d not be MPs, skirts for men, a smattering more politics, sitcom recommendations, and John’s balding legs.
Today, in episode 68, we are not discussing: Are the councils bowing to politically correct madness in banning bunting for health and safety craziness?
But instead we talk about an upgrade to business class, and then with exceptional timing review 2007′s Portal. At length. We then, inevitably move on to discussing our complete lack of interest in tomorrow’s wedding, before moving on to some questions from Twitter. The first being, what are the ladylike things we do?
There’s chat about the inappropriateness of men taking their tops off in public, a trip to the zoo, some extreme snobbishness, and education reform. Oh, and is happiness a good thing?
For episode 67 of Rum Doings, you join Nick and John in one of London’s most average hotels, where for some reason they’ve taken a room together. While we don’t discuss whether we’re sacrificing children on the altar of working mums, we do instead moan about the mediocrity of hotels in the UK.
Each of us offers some racism that we exhibit, there’s some discussion of radio continuity, Mel Gibson’s films, and the difference between uninterested and disinterested. We try to stop people stopping the war, the future of Dexter, and British beers. John has forgotten all of his chemistry A Level, and then it turns out we both have precisely the same recurring dream. Dreams takes John onto confessing his sleep-based infidelities, which takes us into a somewhat uncomfortable discussion about the real world.
We’ve both got a new t-shirt, talk about anti-Semitism, and somehow get back to naughty dreams again and the King James Bible. You know, those subjects that always go together.
Goodness, it’s Rum Doings 66. While not discussing whether the decimalisation experiment has been a failure, we tuck into Christmas pudding wine. And then dig up the argument over whether the Amiga or Atari was best (it was the Atari). Then we embark on an episode based on discussions inspired by the following randomly selected Wikipedia articles:
Bosko (cartoons, Loony Tunes Back In Action, Mary Poppins, CAP Alert) Humber—St. George’s—St. Barbe (Yorkshire Ridings, island hopping, aeroplane maps, long flights and upper class, the S9 mp4 player, They’re Back, the Kindle, sharing is bad) Tiny Broken Heart (Tragic Songs, alien robots) Silchar (Why we don’t want to go to India, Chinese democracy) Ribbon-tailed Astrapia (what we can learn from peacocks, John’s split wedding, the plan for cream teas, complete lack of million pound donations) Nut (nuts) Atasca (moth wrangling, the biggest thing we’d kill, The Man With Two Brains)
Filled with the spirit of Spring, in episode 65 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether we've forgotten the true meaning of Easter. Then almost immediately start complaining about how rubbish schools are. And urinals. In fact, there's much wee-wee discussion, including an innovative idea for bed weeing. And much more besides.
Welcome to Rum Doings Episode 64, a very special episode scripted by former Doctor Who helmsmen, Russell “T” Davies.
As part of their multiracial, intrasexual, post-masculinism relationship, Nick and John discuss the lameness of John’s name, the tendency for Victorians to not die properly, and how we actually recorded this episode before the Ben Goldacre one.
Our Welsh accents make another appearance, we discuss Old Man Murray, and John explains the full glory of the Cat Moustache puzzle from Gabriel Knight 3. THAT HE NOTICED FIRST.
See behind the scenes for how we come up with our topics to not discuss. Then we moisten our palates with a mixed fruit cider. And then wedding cakes. We continue our hatred of the blind, ponder Brian Blessed’s continued existence, and the collapse of Leslie Nielson’s career. Especially of late.
We’re very pleased to say that in episode 40, 50, 60 and 63 of Rum Doings (a four-way simulcast, and double-length), we are joined by very special guest, Dr. Ben Goldacre. The man behind the Bad Science blog and Guardian column, and the book of the same name, allows us into his London studio to discuss the subjects about which he and we are passionate. We think this was a unique opportunity for the subjects to be discussed with enough space to consider them properly, and for the good doctor to speak in a way that five minute radio interviews cannot.
In a sweary episode, we begin by talking about the peculiarities of those who threaten to sue Goldacre for libel, and the way quacks will create misleading statistics. Then via Nick’s desire for robot doctors, we discuss whether doctors are obliged to tell the truth to their patients, how new technology may change the role of doctors in diagnosis, and the potential for conflicts of interest depending upon how doctors are paid. And Nick lets John speak after the first half hour. We ponder the potential privatisation of the NHS, and the impact that may have on patients and doctors, what happens when you privatise blood donation, and in turn, the nature of an altruistic act. We ask what doctors should be doing with drugs they know don’t perform better than placebo, even if they appear to help patients.
Dr Ben puts out the interesting idea that doctors should not be the final gatekeeper to a patient’s access to drugs, and indeed whether there should be legitimate access to outlawed drugs. There’s chat about how we should react when we see the vulnerable being tricked by quacks, how much John gets paid for writing in The Cat Magazine, how we can encourage big pharma to get out of their patenting model, and Nick’s LBC caller gets a good few outings. All three of us express our concerns with the Comic Relief Walkers Crisps campaign, we hear Ben’s “Everything In This Box Is Bollocks” suggestion for letting adverts lie as much as they want, and Nick trots out his Trotsky theories. The idiocy of DRM rears its head, then Nick and John leap on Ben when they see a glimmer of an opportunity to evangelise free software models. And then a last second chat about Richard Stallman brings us to an end.
We're really sorry that this is a clicky episode. We have no idea what causes it, and there's nothing we can do to fix it. It's really not that big of a deal.
In episode 62, Nick's broken voice becomes the first point of discussion, once we've established we won't be talking about whether the English have forgotten how to make a good cuppa. We then move on to talking about Nick's wife's breast milk ice cream, Nick introduces a new indication law, and John tells the story of the crazy Welsh ex-policeman at his door.
We have a discussion of Sweden, talk about why John's risking becoming a rapist by playing Bulletstorm, and then chat about violent videogames.
Make sure to tune in to next week's too, when we'll be releasing episodes 40, 50, 60 and 63 all in one episode, with a truly excellent celebrity guest.
I'm far too busy to tell you what's in this episode. We've recorded a couple in advance - this week's and next week's. Amazingly Nick has been told by the doctor he must not speak for two weeks. At all. That's how come you've heard those angels singing. So I imagine we probably talked about some drink, radio, probably wittered on about TV at length, and Nick probably accused John of being something terrible. You know how it goes. Very entertainingly. That's how.
Welcome to a leathery 58th edition of Rum Doings, where we don’t discuss what we are doing to protect our English cricket greens. But we do instead discuss celebratory Welch’s grape soda. What are we celebrating? Well, it seems that John has proposed to a woman. And not curtains. So there’s much discussion of that, as you might imagine, with the full story of how it all happened so John can point people to listen to this rather than have to tell everyone who asks. We explain the necessity to avoid diamonds, and the means by which a lady will agree to marriage. Then there’s some familiar ranting about the Liberal Democrats, discussions of the death of the NHS, and Nick takes on some sacred cows of classic radio comedy. We ponder the Two Ronnies, Sorry!, and then misery of 70s and 80s sitcoms. And there’s an explanation of how to write like your favourite RPSer. And then after a bit we stop.
Episode 57 begins with a discussion of the number 56. You can’t pin us down. And we’re not discussing for how much longer we shall have to put up with the SCOURGE of HOMMOsexual adoption. Then we take leave of our senses and attempt an alcohol free beer. We attempt a few one or two-word impressions. Then we discuss the poly-attractive nature of Susan Kennedy. At length. And finally, after mentioning it a hundred times, we explain what a BEMLi are. Which takes us onto discussing the sad collapse of Chris Morris, and the rise of Charlie Brooker. Nick angrily points out why John’s job is stupid, and then attempts to get himself – and himself alone – sued. John painfully attempts to explain why it’s bad business to be a corrupt games magazine, and Nick explains that it’s Stockholm Syndrome. The attacks on John continue as Nick tries to uncover corruption in his past, and John wants to cry. Then we discuss Kieron Gillen’s riches, and RPS slash fiction.
Heavens to Betsy, we're back. After a very well earned and enjoyable break, Rum Doings returns with a fifty-sixth episode.
We discover the reasons behind little finger etiquette, recall Christmas, irritating anachronisms, and flu vaccines. John's hatred of chickens is exposed, Nick proves he's the same as Naomi Wolf, and Jesus sends John to hell. We introduce a new law, and then go on something of an extended rant about train-based digital displays.
Episode 55 of Rum Doings sees a sleepy John and Nick not discussing something something something. But instead chatting about the weather.
In an episode recorded before John died of the flu, we take leave of our senses and embrace Winter by drinking neat Pimms. We then consider Christmas meals, the reality of Father Christmas, and how to spend the season. And other Christmassy matters. With excellent impressions of the Queen.
We ponder turkey, writing with pens, and the transmogrifying nature of Quality Street. We then proceed for forget the names of everyone ever. And discuss the theological implications of God's not having a beard.
This week, in a 54th episode of Rum Doings, we don't discuss: Is it finally time to say a fond farewell to the sell-by date? But we do start arguing about coats and umbrellas.
We consume prana, and biscuits. And then we are inspired to chat by the waiting questions on John's Formspring. And that's all the information you get, as since recording John's got flu and his hands and everythings hurt.
In episode 53 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether it's time to give up on the panda.
We begin with an attempt to understand our favourite worst drink, Stroh. Then Nick gets concerned about how very, very old he is, and John is finally recognised Mozart. We discuss John's meeting Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam, whether Derren Brown has got his name wrong, and how John is the cause of all of Rum Doings' naughtiness.
There's talk of Enid Blyton, today's vote about student tuition fees and my battling with Bath MP Don Foster, Lib Dem bingo, and bad documentaries about Calvin & Hobbes. Then via the topic of WikiLeaks, we end up with what will likely be understood to be a particularly controversial conversation about rape. Just so you know.
Nick's going to kill me.
In Rum Doings Episode 52, where we don't discuss why oh why the Russians have stolen our football, Nick and John weren't able to meet up. Due to interventions by the weather, illness, and her royal majesty the Queen, this week's episode was record in two separate locations, on our own. Because Skype is awful, and everyone should stop suggesting it.
So we begin with Nick's monologue, in which he discusses colds, Kickstarter, and ideas for revolutionising the distribution of classical music. He postulates on how billionaires should be spending their money for the better good, and what is a word? You can read the essay he mentions here.
Then it's John's turn. He discusses Rum Doings fans, Batman, science, outlandish racism, and the coexistence of dinosaurs and man. Learn how dinosaurs were vegetarians, who loves Nick, and which famous people were lucky enough to meet John yesterday. (And sorry to my friends who listen, whom I have remembered since.)
Let's see how cross Nick gets.
Rum Doings Episode 51 (episode 50 is in the same place as episode 40) begins with the subject that we're not discussing: what has happened to the good old fashioned British bread bin?
But instead John goes through Nick's DVDs. Which he brought into the studio for some reason. We reminisce about John's radio days, getting caught for lying, Nickl starts lying, and musicals. The film John couldn't remember the name of was Guy And Madeline On A Park Bench.
We discuss mega-churches, the modern pop music of the young people of today, and Cloud Cult. Then Michael Buerk, and David Starkey.
Very welcome are you to Episode 49 of Rum Doings, during which we absolutely don't discuss whether it's time that PC local councils stopped trying to ban Christmas.
Instead we discuss which bits are best in Private Eye, the cream tea emergency that is the Easy-Boy Armchair, and what shops will be gone in ten years time. Then we lament books. And Star Wars. And SCUBA diving! Nick invents Abuse Therapy, and John is fat. And of course gay videogame characters.
Re Nick's suggestion, here are the links to Bastard Of The Old Republic, parts one, two, and three.
For episode 48 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether it's time to ban fireworks to protect our children. But we do attempt to guess what the internet and technology will look like in 2020. And look at the sad state of John's Kingdom of America. Then the best thing ever: 10,000 Dreams And Their Traditional Meanings. (Which turns out to be by Gustavus Hindman Miller.)
John learns some Latin, we talk about the fight for the rainbow, and what it's like to watch a podcast being recorded. Nick then announces that Rock, Paper, Shotgun is not a blog. And then we discuss the lack of corruption in the industry.
Many apologies for the very strange blippy nature of the recording. We've deemed it perfectly listenable, if a tiny bit annoying. If anyone knows what might be causing it, let us know. We're using a Logitech USB mic in a Win 7 HP Mini 311C, recording on Audacity. (If it helps, there seems to be a fictional 8 seconds at the end that doesn't exist, which is presumably the total time stolen by the blips.)
In a forty-seventh episode of Rum Doings, we take our lead from your Twittered suggestions. But we don't discuss the fluoride conspiracy.
We begin by reminiscing over the last two weeks of events in exquisite detail, before diving into your suggestions. Oh, and after killing a cat, live on air.
What do centaurs do with their arms? Do our listeners hate Israel? A peculiarly placed review of Medal Of Honour. Nicknames. Do our listeners still hate Israel? How do we prefer to insulate our parcels? Premarital sex? Baseball! Prime numbers! What are our favourite most hated films? Hollywood musicals, and midi orchestras. That's more than enough.
Episode 46 of Rum Doings begins with confusion over Ghostbusters cartoons. It turns out that Nick was talking about this, while John was talking about this.
Not being discussed this week: Staycations. But Nick does want to discuss synthesised theme tunes. After quite a long diversion into this week's vile drink, John steers the conversation toward the Insane Clown Posse. This video being key:
This was inspired by a wonderful article by Jon Ronson, which you can read here.
Then it's time for Nick's polemic against Poetry, which gives John an excuse to rage about how much he dislikes Poetry Please.
And now here's your homework. A full critical analysis, and what it means, sent to our email address. By Tuesday morning, please.
An ode to the tcp/ip protocols.
A war of ice but doomsday thaws beneath A map of ink, once breached, a world unsaved; A frigid winter beckons, deadly wreath To words not launched, so bombs subsume the grave. But missiles questing on their morbid route Still need some tangled speech to guide them through A chain of words in terminal pursuit But wordly packets glitter forth like dew They spread themselves betwixt the frosted blades Fecundity of knowledge jumbled up Re-formed at every end in liquid braids Of speech now flowing into Man's shared cup For Cerf and allies thought it for the best That flames be naught but datagrams of text
We consider if accents can be racist, ban "How are you?", and complain about dreaming. Then Nick sings for us. And then completely ignores John's attempt to sing back. There's a teaser for a future discussion of CAP Alert, and then thoughts on Mary Poppins.
Excuse the brevity in describing episode 45 of Rum Doings, but in an episode in which we don't discuss the abolishing of the pocket calculator (for children), we do discuss some subjects at length, and sometimes quite seriously.
There's a lot of thoughts on the coalition government, for which you'll need this as a primer:
Then Banksy and the Simpsons opening:
And then the issues with Art With A Capital A.
In the fourtiforth episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss the recovery of the ozone layer. But we do discuss the share value of Stephen Fry. And the peculiarity of Hugh Laurie's history.
Chatting briefly about Nurse Jackie brings us to United States Of Tara, and thus dissociative identity disorder. And Dexter. The TV show.
There's comments on Formspring, Homicide: Life On The Streets, and suddenly why does John live in Britain? Is he proud or something?! We turn into the world's oldest men and complain about cinema prices, and then the horror of plastic packaging.
Somehow chat about films takes us to Nick telling John off for Vince Cable. And then scientific funding. Next, we ask those big impossible questions, like... oh, they're really simple. Find out why the sky's blue. And what we'd take from our burning houses.
But the main reason for listening to today's episode is to find out whether Nick can get into the plastic packaging with only his fingers and teeth.
This week on Rum Doings, episode 43, we don't discuss whether it's time to abolish the metric system. Instead we discuss John's adventures in France, and Nick's adventures in complaining about John.
We talk about angry listeners, read French labels, and driving 1 litre cars with cup holders. And John makes a bold declaration: no more anecdotes. In an attempt to stop repeating anecdotes.
Our French theme continues with recalling French lessons at school, then bad teachers, big vases, and exponentially expanding biscuits.
There's an attempt to identify what fills Victoria Wood's bilious bag, confederate flags on British cars, and Nick teaches us Chinese. Then we handle the tragic death of Jimmy Heselden with extreme sensitivity. This takes us onto discussing those who were killed by inventions they were closely associated to. Then, as you'd expect, an exploration of the Chinese Five Pains Method.
Rum Doings Episode 42 begins with a story. A very special story which you can buy here.
What we're not discussing this week is: how do we get Britain's heathen backside heaved back onto a Christian pew? In an attempt to avoid the topic, we drink some Rum & Raisin non-alcoholic sadness.
Naturally we discuss blocked ears, botched nose operations, dancing, the self-consciousness of theatre, and torrenting. We ponder ad-busting, last names, and green visa-waiver forms. And telephone scams!
As you'll have noticed, by Episode 41 we're not funny any more. But it's fun to remember when we were.
You may also be wondering where episode 40 is. Well, it's slipped out of time, and you'll have to live with that.
Together we don't discuss whether we should bring back fox hunting, but we do drink blackcurrant and rum wine. Then Nick demands that John talk about web comics. We discuss our favourite comic to hate, User Friendly. And as mentioned, here's John's decade-old spoof:
And then Nick makes John talk about Brian's Guide. And banks. And FOSDEM. There's a horrible story about the Discovery Channel, and uplifting stories about people's generosity.
Then Mega Drives. And the future of consoles. And somehow Nick initiates this discussion.
Episode 39 sees us not discussing: What can we do about Hula Hoops and comic books and their effect on the moral turpitude of the youth?
Back on creaky furniture, arguing over mead, things feel very traditional but for Nick's peculiar quietness. We talk about times in the witch-encrusted New Forest. Nick reveals the location of Ann Frank's remains. Nuts are put in their place.
We consider accents, shrieking families, and morris dancing. We talk with pleasure about Radio 4's former quiz show All The Way From Memphis. There's thoughts on Sherlock, Nick's holidays, and John's world exclusive weight loss programme. And Bath's weather.
It's the summer, and to celebrate Nick and I are giving ourselves a break from the sickening sight of each other. So this Episode 38 is something of a "best of" I discovered while rooting around in the attic fifty years in the future. It collects together moments from episodes 1 to 10, which I'd forgotten, and you probably did too.
Don't ignore it just because of that! It's really good! It's the half hour of decent bits from the first 450. In hindsight we probably should have included more decent bits. Nick sings! John doesn't! The origin of cream teas! What an unbelievable treat.
We're not really here. We're in the past. In Episode 37 of Rum Doings we're speaking to you from history. We're not discussing whether organic produce is worth the premium for hard-working families.
Can you still lie in? Should God save the Queen? Then something I can't bring myself to even type. But we can all see who really has the problem, Nick.
Once Nick stops upsetting John with horrible comments, he then criticises John's job. Then criticises his washing machine.
Why are John and Nick still friends, despite everything? What's the secret to our parody of success?
Nick needs some suggestions for stopping the nasty boys in his neighbourhood on their noisy bikes. John tries to defend GPs. We then argue for more traffic wardens, and Traffic Politeness Officers. And the taint of BMWs.
Then we ponder the great debate of our time: how do you deal with a fly in your cake cabinet in Starbucks? And when should you sue a Starbucks?
Pencils, handwriting, passports, we cover all the big issues.
Welcome to our web of lies. Become entwined in Episode 36's multitude of untruthful deceit. Be deceived by our woven evil. Then listen as John's house falls down.
And while pictures are appearing, here's that bench:
Then, pear/blueberry cider lengthily discussed, we get around to reading out some of the last million years of emails. And you kept telling us to do this, so you can't complain.
Does Coke taste better out of a glass? What are the odds of sitting in the United States? Should we stop whining?
Is Nick's science dodgy? Is that a microphone, or are you just pleased to be recording a podcast? Is Rupert Murdoch Australian? Is Nick safe in your dreams?
Is there a more awful hairdressers name than this?
We then sidetrack into discussing Richard Herring's As It Occurs To Me, at some length. Then when the name-dropping begins, Douglas Adams.
It's a back to basics, good old fashioned family values 35th episode of Rum Doings. Just Nick, John, a microphone and a disgusting bottle of rum. And this week we're not discussing whether FIFA should have to bring in the rule that they should have the cameras in the goal posts to see if the goals are scored instigated.
We bring you some genuinely excellent news from Sainsbury's (which apparently might be quite old news), and then move on to talk about John's weekend break, and the joys of a British B&B. This of course involves tales of ketchup and coffee.
We talk about awful people, and responses to cold callers. Nick predicts the end-times, which brings us to the stories about the BP methane bubble. And where exactly does oil come from?
We finish by talking about Raoul Moat, although this was recorded before Cameron made his remarkable comments about feeling no sympathy.
Welcome to Rum Doings 34, what must be the most interrupted podcast of all the podcasts that we have podcasted. This week we're not talking about whether CCTV cameras have made our lives safer.
Imbibed is a black cherry soda, which we risk drinking without protective goggles. And then within mere minutes the first phonecall arrives. And a cat.
We attempt to explain BP's real crime, and then the phone rings yet again. Listen in to Nick's conversations! Be slightly bemused by what's going on! Don't call John's mum!
A period of no interruptions features chat about Richard Herring, ordering wine, and ketchup. And then there's a knock at the front door.
We then sniff a baby. Who becomes our very special guest, chattering away into the microphone, so quietly we couldn't hear it ourselves at first.
There's some actual content when we talk about DVDs, piracy, and DRM. And why some businesses insist on telling their shareholders how badly they're doing.
Welcome to Episode 33 of Rum Doings, an episode with a lot of introduction. Not discussed is whether Andy Murray has given up his hope to be the golden boy of British tennis.
Our slightly room temperature root beers come from a fridge that later investigation revealed to in fact be on 3. Put your fridges to 4, everybody.
We then attempt nostalgia comedy of the present, before drinking our illegal beverage. Nick does a splendid impression of a loud noise you'll have just heard, and then we talk Thatcher.
We reveal why John's girlfriend has had to be put down, the Nazi origins of John's new car, and Nick explains why fried chicken is best. Christianity is renamed, houses are purchased through staring, and incredibly, John is doing some exercise.
Nick dies, John's hirsute nature is discussed, we ponder those who swim, and we laugh at butterfly stroke.
In our 32nd podcast, with Nick fully recovered from last week's cold, we don't discuss EEEEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
We cover all bases when discussing football, ponder Trident, and wonder if cream teas work abroad. Then via coming out stories we discuss the James Randi Educational Foundation million dollar prize, dowsing, and how cold reading works. Then there's memories of some of the funniest moments of Magician Uri Geller looking like a fraud and a fool. Unfortunately the programme On Holiday With The Gellers is not on 4oD.
Sadly we cannot link to the clip from Leverage, due to the pathetic stupidity of TNT demanding that the free promotion of the programme be removed from YouTube. But we do discuss a number of television programmes that have professed to demonstrate paranormal powers, and some that have set out to do the opposite. We consider the complexity of stochasticity, the uncomfortable nature of pranks, and we wonder at the wisdom of the NHS's "Wake Up To Rape" campaign.
Meet John's sock puppet boss. And then there's a few words on the budget. Which you'll not be surprised to learn end up being more about the Matrix and how we annoy our friends.
In an unprecedented 31st episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether we are dissatisfied with the results of the Liberal Tory coalition.
Instead we attempt to muster some sense of interest in the football, but far more quickly find rounders and six year old cricket more interesting. There's thoughts on how Americans are much better at spelling than the British, potential new reality shows, and Biker Grove facts.
Can you own slippers without a pipe? Who is the best audience for easy comedy? And how tidy should your desktop be? And we explore new territory in removing the funny from comedy.
We recall our most dangerous teachers, and most criminal teachers, and plans to help gym teachers. Court-based naughty steps, short-cuts in French, and idling on runways. Then some clear rules about speaking on public transport.
As you know we mark our every 10th episode with something very special. Our Now Show edition, special celebrity guest John Finnemore, and then for episode 30... John's girlfriend Laura! Calm down.
Yes, indeed, episode 30 of Rum Doings contains a girl.
Ew.
The topic of this episode to not discuss: What are we to do about the tragedy of the increasing dearth of Britain's dwindling bees. Population.
Obviously we recognise that a girl being on the podcast will upset a lot of people, so if you wish to send her hate mail, please address it to this address.
We wonder at how a couple splits its mp3 collection, slander John's childhood girlfriends, and and listen as John's cat Dexter pathetically mews at the door. We concur that the Midlands are in the North, and then make sure we lose all our Midlander listeners.
There's discussion of how bad episode 1 was, and how Laura is mad. Which science is best, and why Nick doesn't believe in Thor. John's job is pulled to pieces, with suggestions of features about Dexter in the Economist. Nick then sings the arcades. And what's wrong with a job building sandcastles?
Welcome to a live episode 29 of Rum Doings, recorded at the precise moment you choose to listen to it.
Nick begins with a quick impression of John's girlfriend, before explaining our topic for the day: Do we in England still have any politicians who are honest now, left?
Dark secrets are revealed about the prisoners in John's basement, and then his racism against glasses. Nick demonstrates some rather disturbing biological news, reveals Michael Jackson's tastes in cervixceeses, and John attempts an Elmo impression.
Find out how you are made of Coco Pops. We leap from National Trust houses to the powerful effect of John's kisses. Can you polish a turd?
And then our treatise on how everything must be done in one trip. And unshopping. Lenny Henry joins the Radio 4 Curse, Money Box Live fails to get a caller under 90, and we remember what we found funny when we were stupid.
Nick then courts controversy once more, raising our most comment-enangering subject once again. And so on.
Rum Doings is not discussing: Why can an Englishman not defend his home by shooting a burglar in the back.
This week John has a headache. So we talk about headaches. You know how we are.
What else do we bring up? Television programmes we enjoy watching with our eyes. More dangerous ways of distributing gas. We argue about Doctor Who and sitcoms. We realise Rum Doings needs a trombonist. In fact, most of an orchestra. Of buskers. We learn how Nick lets his daughter suffocate, how long John's been a crybaby, and plans for genre twists. Can you Chinese-burn yourself? Can you touch your own winky? And what exactly is the fabric of our universe? And why don't the Jews like it?
As we begin Rum Doings episode 27 we choose not to talk about Nick Clegg's Big Decision, but instead begin our Rum Doings Campaign: Save Our Fountains.
We reveal our surprise liquor for the episode: a purple elixir named Parfait d'Amour. That's lemon flavoured. And makes the best glugging noise ever.
Arguments break out about crucial matters, like tree roots, which Ford made cars, and a conversation about cross-dressing. John outlines his altruistic plan to let people know what they look like from behind, find out how to alert smelly people, and then Nick starts sniffing John. No, he does.
We really do talk more about dead fountains. And then just as we were about to discover that Jesus invented the skateboard, Nick's phone rings. And then we break your ears. Sorry about that. You'll want to turn it down at this point.
We discuss Mr Jobs's iPads device, and why it's a very silly thing. This lasts a while. Then we move on to a particularly splendid moment on Radio 4's You & Yours, and our fondness for the station's blind presenter, Peter Blind. We hate the blind. And all disabled people. And everyone else. And ourselves. We should warn you at this point, the story we go on to tell is of a harrowing nature that will cause the hair to fall out of your children. As Nick says, "revelations of skulduggery."
Crikey-o-blimey! We're back! After a volcano-encouraged break, Rum Doings returns with episode 26 to not discuss whether the Americanisation of Britain gone one step too far?
Instead John struggles with pomegranate wine, we ponder super-tasting, the merits of Marmite, and the Queen's insatiable loins.
Inevitably we talk election, but having recorded this before Tuesday night, we weren't aware who our new King was to be. There's thoughts on the peculiar imbalance of political leanings in the press compared to the population, the difference between Scotland and England, and the source of John's self-loathing. Then we even discuss money stuff things.
After the frivolity of this politics business, we then turn our attentions toward more serious matters: poo poo and wee wee. Inspired by a three year old, we consider the merits of poo, and what various people may look like as they perform one. Then we ascend to talk of asparagus wee, and the corrupted souls of those who cannot produce this potion, including nano-plans to fix this defection. Also, John tests the very limits of his girlfriend's tolerance. Also, what colour to political leaders wee?
We finish with some absolutely shameful impressions of Gordon Brown.
This week we neither discuss whether all drugs should be legalised, nor whether all drugs should be illegalised. Instead we tuck in to some absolutely delicious honey rum, and begin reading out some listener emails.
We ponder vanilla ice cream, John's 30th birthday and his anti-social ways, which is the best time of day on a fuzzy clock, and analyse whether QI is the primary source of all sexism.
Should dads post on Mumsnet? What do we think about airports? Are games journalists bribed? Did the games industry survive the piracy of the 80s? Can Nick break up Rock, Paper, Shotgun?
We ponder the comedy of French & Saunders, and then condemn those who pretend not to care when planes take off. And then wonder about astronauts' private time.
This week, in episode 24, we don't discuss: What with internet, the Facebook, Wiki and YouTubes, has information overload gotten the better of us?
Instead we discuss only two things: stand up comedy and politics. But hopefully with enough varied approaches that it's not quite as dull as that description sounds. How could it be? We're the best!
So we ask why are the most popular mainstream comics so popular, and what we wish they would do instead. We explore the difference between British and US stand up, and then via Stewart Lee we think about the BBC's Top Gear. This then moves onto a discussion about UKIP, and why they're trouble. Then more thoughts on the various parties in the forthcoming UK elections. And rum.
This week we welcome back Martin Coxall for a second appearance, after last week's was so lovely with him. Don't worry if you're a purest - we've since had him sealed in concrete and buried in the North Sea, and next time it will be back to just Nick and John.
The topic not under discussion is: Is the creeping cancer of violent videogames corrupting our kiddies? Moving quickly on, we discover that John wants to be a tall poppy, and then move on to the drinks Martin bought for us. A tub of coconut milk, and a tin of Nourishmilk. Which will be so revolting we pour it down the sink? How can you resist finding out? Then discover what Nick and Martin really think of John when he's out the room.
Find out how to circumnavigate a gastric band, and then discussions of the two types of hunger. Nick then lectures two fat people on how to be thin, which inevitably means discussing the Cheesecake Factory and desserts. Then a really quite heated debate about strawberries, woolly jumper apples, the ripeness of bananas, and the sheer arrogance of rhubarb.
Which countries have the worst breakfasts? And what's the best offal? Then continuing what's become a food theme, there's more discussion of custard and Angel Delight than you could possibly have hoped for. If you wish to defend chocolate custard, get in touch at the email address below. Then thermal conductivity.
Which would be more dangerous to come back to life, the raptor or the t-rex? Learn how to bring them back to find out! And how Ridley Scott could kill us all. What noise did a dodo make? And where did chickens come from?
And then... I'm not even going to associate myself with it. I think it might be the funniest moment on Rum Doings ever. Be warned, it's not okay for gentle ears. But let's never speak of it.
This week we're not discussing: Is Britain now too much in the thrall of the celebrity culture? Which is harder to say than you might imagine.
Joining us this week, as a special guest, is non-celebrity and friend of ours, Martin Coxall. Nick and I have known him for almost as long as we've known each other, so he's a natural inclusion into this nonsense. Martin sits in the creaky chair, and provides the creaking John would more usually offer.
Things begin with criticising John's road rage, then criticising John's pronunciation of years, and a quick insult to the pope. Then we open the mysterious bag containing a mystery rum gift from Victoria, Nick's wife. What will it be? Will it inevitably be horrible? But then, calamity! An entire pint of coffee is spilt on the carpet, and gets dangerously close to dominating the entire recording.
Which is better for you? Special K, or Frosties? We reveal the TRUTH. Then we rant against the sanctimonious nature of breakfast cereals, the fear of buying tampons, and then more criticising of John for knowing about periods. That of course brings three men to discuss periods to a depth you probably didn't want.
Recording in Nick's brother's "studio", in episode 21 we immediately find ourselves discussing the splendid subject of slugs. Before we've even introduced the subject we aren't discussing. Which is: Is bad language the sign of a poor vocabulary, and a poorer imagination?
Have you ever rifled through someone's bathroom cabinet? Surely no one really would. But what about interviewing technique? Should you allow the interviewee to answer a question? And how about the works of Mr and Mrs Christ's Enterprise? These are things we talk about! There's chat about conspiracists, the absolute fact that the Taleban is the Queen's personal army, and then we celebrate mighty man of history, King Cnut.
Gravelly-voiced singers, the perils of copyright, and Nick's fascinating discussion of the colour of the sky, all bring us to the ultimate email we've received. I use "ultimate" quite deliberately. I feel quite sure it can't be beaten. If you want to prove us wrong, contact us here. Find out quite how uncommitted you are compared to these two.
We leap like verbal gazelles from jerk chicken to President Clinton, Amnesty failings to Sonny and Cher's involvement in the situation in the Middle East. And yes, of course, Ramsey's Messianic Kitchen Nightmares. Learn John's criminal history, and then... a big musical finish! What an episode.
In a very special edition of Rum Doings, we are joined by comedy writer John Finnemore. We have discussed Finnemore's work on Rum Doings in the past, especially the fantastic Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure. He's worked on very many radio and television comedies, perhaps most notably as a lead writer for Mitchell & Webb on both Radio 4 and the BBC, and despite this still agreed to join us for our twentieth episode.
The topic not under discussion this week is: how are we going to inoculate ourselves against Britain's road rage epidemic.
You'll not be surprised to learn much of the topics this week are radio comedy - a subject we've spoken about a great deal before. We begin with Cabin Pressure, and quickly move on to the sitcoms that inspired Finnemore, especially Yes Minister. Find out which surprising 70s sitcom David Mitchell is a fan of, as well as a brief dissection of The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin. Nick attempts to get John in trouble, telling tales about his disliking of Fawlty Towers, and then everything goes horribly wrong...
Finnemore defends Victoria Wood's 'dinnerladies'. Oh dear. It all falls apart. It almost comes to blows.
Fortunately we quickly move on to John Shuttleworth, good comedy we can all agree on. This takes us to Dad's Army, which in turn brings us back to Cabin Pressure, especially the desert episode and the fantastic appearance of John Sessions. Nick then launches into a brilliant attempt to tell Finnemore that he's wrong about the nature of one of his own characters - one he even voices himself. This leads to a lovely discussion of the nature of happiness, as viewed through the Goons.
After more discussion of Cabin Pressure, then talk of the relationship between The Mitchell & Webb Sound and Look, we arrive at the topic of comedians doing advertising. Then changing from commercials to the other side, there's talk of why the BBC is such a great thing but so desperately lacking self-confidence.
This week's topic isn't: Why are we English too ASHAMED to celebrate St. George's Day with due dignity and respect, properly? Which is embarrassing to even type.
Things more realistically begin with an explanation of the spiteful nature of tea, pet names for pets, and that which we've changed from hating to liking. Find out what temperature we've decided will keep your babies alive, and how John disagrees with all baby-based wisdom, leading to Nick denying his daughter her wings.
Of course we talk about Mr Blobby, and Noel's House Party, and the Late Late Breakfast Show. But you'd been expecting that. And find out who electrocuted an elephant to death. Hear Nick play the mouth-banjo. Don't hear Nick tell his Oxford interview story. But do hear stories of examinations.
This takes us back to school days, remembering teachers good and bad, and times we went out of our way to get in trouble. And then, more positively, favourite teachers.
In an unprecedented eighteenth episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss what we will do on Earth about potholes. However, we do quite brilliantly demonstrate how to drink. And then immediately return to our favourite topic of recent times: ketchup. Via some quite astonishing observation comedy, of course. But we promise the ketchup talk is confined to only the beginning.
Then there's happy stories of service experiences, which leads us to what will be remembered by history as the greatest series of "time" themed puns mankind has ever heard. And welcome to the new job title: the shorekeeper. Then there's Nick's racist t-shirt and his mule child.
Then it's time for part two of The Rules, which those who didn't want us to do any more will be pleased to learn completes the collection. Where we learn that all our listeners should all embrace death, because they can't be bothered to promote us or write to us.
In our seventeenth episode of Rum Doings we don't ask the question: Who will diffuse Britain's ticking immigration time-bomb? Instead we focus on more pressing matters: plum jam and ketchup.
We briefly recognise how awful the Simpsons is, before tucking into a glass of plum sake, and moving on to the dominant subject of the episode: Britain's miserly distribution of tomato ketchup. This episode, recorded on Monday, refers to the harrowing events of the preceding Valentine's Day. Along the way we explore the options for entertainment available at Cheddar Gorge for a remarkable bargain price!
When we finally get to the restaurant story you can enjoy Nick's precise use of the word "niggardly", and then join us in our celebration of British service culture.
We're not afraid to not discuss the subjects that aren't topical, and such it is that we're not discussing the true meaning of Christmas.
Instead we begin with a celebration of oat milk, whatever on Earth it might be. First the carton is dissected, and then the insides are consumed. Will we like it? Will we paw at our tongues?
It's the fifteenth episode. They said it would never last this long. This "they" being the people who knew we were going to try to drink Tesco Value White Rum.
This week not under discussion is the matter: has the iPad lived up to the media hype? So instead we talk about John's loss of nomenclature, and then almost kill ourselves with a frighteningly awful liquid.
This week's episode is mostly dictated by the commands of one "Royston", who left a comment on episode 13 in which he listed subjects he would like to hear discussed. Somehow missing his opening entry, "Wales", we otherwise followed his instructions. Which were:
St Wilgefortis Battlestar Galactica Action Figures Sufjan Stevens Favoured Condiments
Persisting in this new weekly habit, Rum Doings episode 14 certainly doesn't discuss its chosen topic, What Should We Do About The Wheeliebin? It's with troubling enthusiasm that we begin this latest episode, despite the blatant lack of rum in our hands. Your rules, we don't play by them. This week our drink is, instead, honeybush tea.
Things we do talk about include the paradoxical anomaly that is BBC 1's Outnumbered, why Russell Davies doesn't deserve his "T", the plot holes in Press Gang, obviousness in writing, and ask why can't people enjoy their superpowers? There's revelations of Michael Moore, and then of course the discussion we've all be expecting: who should be the next Archbishop of Canterbury.
Then, at long last, Nick's brief lecture on Derrida. Which is genuinely our most requested topic.
Distracted by a new rum, we take a long time to get around to introducing the topic we're not discussing: Whatever happened to sitting down for dinner as a whole family?
Instead we find ourselves discussing Scientology, random word snap, and then dive head-first into a chasm of self-indulgence, and discuss the Rum Doings origin story. How John and Nick met, the creation of (the now deceased) Glebe's Thrift Funnel, and then our dalliance with the stars. As regular listeners will remember, Nick and John have a "no false modesty" rule, and included in this is what so many call "name-dropping", but we call "talking about people we met." We relate the stories of our adventures in the nineties in which we met many of our heroes.
In our first Rum Doings of 2010, we don't discuss whatever happened to Britain's supplies of salt.
Enjoying a cocktail known as A Snowball For The Year 2000, we begin with an excellent description of Nick from a listener, that sets us off onto a discussion of alternative ways of pronouncing words, and the definition of "enormity", and why using Windows is like being a tourist in Egypt.
Then, as was perhaps somewhat inevitable, there's discussion of the weather. And weather forecasting. We're enormously right.
Rum Doings returns a week early for a very special tenth episode special. Very, very special. You may have noticed one subject comes up again and again, and this episode we line a hundred sharks up in a row and jump them in spectacular fashion. For nine minutes. And then things return to normal.
In Episode 9 of Rum Doings the topic not under discussion is whether it's time we stopped funding the NHS. The topic under discussion is Neighbours. And that's almost it.
No, come back! A Neighbours edition of Rum Doings was inevitable from the moment Nick first said, "Let's record a podcast because I want to see how difficult it is to be good." Neighbours - the Australian soap opera - has been something that has fascinated both of us since we've known each other - around fourteen years. Although neither of us have watched it for about six or seven.
In the triumphant return of Rum Doings, delayed by a while by the birth of Nick's daughter, Judith, we celebrate with the consumption of an Asda Smart Price meal. And indeed the possible consumption to follow.
This feast begins with a bowl of Asda Smart Price chicken curry, washed down with Asda Smart Price Dark Rum, with Asda Smart Price Chocolate Mousse to follow. Not discussed in the episode is John and Edward, whatever that might be, with instead the meandering topics covering Judith's arrival, talking with our mouths full, and then alittlebitofpoliticsladiesandgentlemen.
In episode 7 of Rum Doings the topic not under discussion is how we can fix Broken Britain.
More readily discussed are John's inability to sing and Nick's desperate need to hear it, the scandalous gossip regarding John's sexual impropriety with Nick's wife, and the terrifying contents of some Super-8 film. And that's in the first five minutes.
In episode 6 of Rum Doings the topic not under discussion is what we can do about the dumbing down of British culture. Instead we primarily discuss sitcoms - so much so it becomes dangerously close to being a theme. There's thoughts on what the UK and US sitcoms have in common, and indeed what they do not. Along the way we consider the anti-Semitism of Shakespeare, why Stephanie Cole grew into the wrong old lady (and is brilliant), and why you should never shh a pregnant lady. This, as you'd expect, brings us to our plans for scientific experiments on all 3.5 billion of Earth's women.
In Episode 5 of Rum Doings not under discussion is whether we should bring back conscription for unruly teens. More discussed are matters of repetition, the changing face of the cinemas, and we respond to a complaint regarding our being rude to Phil Collins. There's discussion of how a splendid friend of ours changed his mind about the ownership of music, and thoughts on the potential for democratising paying for music. We bring up another rule to join Episode Four's, the No False Modesty Rule. Which leads naturally to the moral implications of teleporting clones. And the likelihood of coincidence. And of course cream teas. It's probably safe to say that this is the first of the Rum Doings where the doings of rum played an effect toward the end.
A new Rum Doings, and it comes with a warning: Nick Mailer is a very, very bad man. What should have been a perfectly nice discussion of interesting matters descends into an explosion of libel and offense. I can only apologise, hold my head in my hands, and beg for your forgiveness.
John and Nick gather once more, presenting their newly learned commercial radio voices, as the nation prefers.
The topic not under discussion in this episode is: Are Exams Getting Easier.
This week the topic not under discussion for Nick and John is "Whatever happened to good old fashioned manners?"
What is instead discussed includes puns in other languages, the horrible quality of commercial radio, extensive discussions of the tricks behind homeopathy, and can you be proud of collectives?
Nick and John talk nonsense for the first time, interrupted only by a fruitless search for rum. The topic to avoid this week was Claire Fox on the Moral Maze. Nick wanted to do this podcast in order not to talk about video games. Suffice to say, Star Glider gets more than a mention.