The Man Rules: Recent Episodes
Dan Griffin
Live with intention. Build connection. Create a more meaningful life. Host Dan Griffin shows you how, through funny and insightful conversations about The Man Rules — those often-unconscious expectations that shape what it means to be a “real man" in the 21st century. It’s a must-listen for anyone seeking to live a more authentic life.
Welp. Here we are. The final episode of The Man Rules podcast. Dan and Andrea (the show’s producer) take the opportunity to reminisce, reflect, and ruminate on what might be next... Sometimes, abundance comes from letting go. You’ve gotta make room to receive whatever gifts may be coming your way. Thank you for making room for The Man Rules podcast. We hope your time with is was only the beginning of your journey toward freedom and personal fulfillment.
There's no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules, is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as man. But, the truth is, a man's status as a man will have to constantly renewed--daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up, and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you've followed and how many you've broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen's forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated--when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer. Women: Dan and Allen help you understand why your man seems to cling so stubbornly to giving advice and solving all your problems for you when you really just want him to listen. Men: Dan and Allen will help you recognize whether you're suffering from working so hard to avoid the discomfort of not knowing, the constant need to prove how much you know, and idea that you should not have to work to know the answers--you should be born knowing, if you are a real man. Dan and Allen don't have all the answers, but they do have their own experiences in learning to let go of the need to know, and they share those with you in order to help you improve your relationships.
All stories we relate to are based either on our wishes or on our fears. Sometimes--or maybe even often--both. That's what makes this week's episode with friend of the show Rick Belden such a powerful one. Rick leads Dan through a fascinating discussion about the ways in which we internalize our favorite childhood stories to develop personal mythologies and use them to guide the ways we show up in the world. Though it may seem a little silly to you at first, if you try the exercise Dan and Rick go through on the show, we think you'll be surprised by how much personal insight you'll gain by revisiting your childhood heroes. If you feel like sharing, we'd love to hear who your mythological figure was as child, and what they meant to you. (Note: Real people can serve as mythological characters. Basketball legend Michael Jordan, for example, is a real person, but also a myth to the many kids who grew up admiring him.) Please let us know on Facebook or in the blog comments.
This week, friend of the show Dr. Michael Levittan is back to help us sort through the many changes in our expectations of men and women over the years, and how psychology and psychotherapy have played a role in helping shape and guide those changes. The conversation centers around the American Psychological Association's latest recommendations for treating men, and branches out into a lively discussion about what "traditional masculinity" means, and whether there are some aspects of masculinity that are helpful, rather than harmful. It ends with some tips for men how to seize on this unique point in history to grow and evolve as a man.
After more than two years of operation, we have made the difficult decision to end production of The Man Rules podcast. So, this week Dan's solo episode--his last solo episode--is about what it means to embrace change. One thing we know for sure is that change is constant. It's not good or bad. The amount of control you have over what changes and what doesn't is very limited. (Some folks even believe that in most cases, you have no control at all.) So, what do you *do* with that? Short answer: You roll with it.
The more you can embrace change, and look for what it might be trying to teach you, the more your life will flow freely. We are grateful to all of you who have surfed the waves of change with us over the years, and will continue on your own journeys. We wish you all the best.
Early sobriety can be lonely. Many people recovering from alcohol and other substance use disorders find that they have to change their entire social structure. And, that's not something that happens overnight. It takes time to develop an entirely new social life when you've had to leave the old one, that was built around substance use, behind. Many people believe that they will have to give up activities where drinking and drug use are sometimes considered "the norm,"--like concerts and sporting events-- for fear of losing their sobriety. But, thanks to Duke Rumely and his organization S.AF.E (Sober As F$@# Entertainment), people in recovery can safely attend events that otherwise may have triggered their addictions. The organization's goal is to create "sober safe zones" at sporting events, concerts, and other social gatherings. In this episode, he talks with Dan about the importance of staving off loneliness and boredom in maintaining sobriety and about the power of community.
"If you're not first, you're last." That's the mantra of Ricky Bobby, a champion NASCAR driver (played by Will Ferrell) in the cinematic masterpiece, "Talledega Nights." The great thing about that quote, and about the movie, is that it gently pokes fun at The Man Rule that says real men always win. And, in the process, helps us begin to see that rule in a new way--or maybe to see it for the first time if it's been part of The Water for you most of your life. In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about The Winning Rule, a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren't Too Busy Watching TV. They break down the ways in which the Winning Rule affects relationships, and show us how we can become more conscious of The Winning Rule and recognize when it's hijacked our reactions and behaviors.
Dr. Lou Cox has studied the ego for decades. He joins Dan to talk about his work and his new book, Ego: The Ghost in Your Machinery. Specifically, he and Dan talk about the male ego and how men thrive and suffer as a result of their dances with the ego. Cox talks about two essential needs every human being has: the need to be accepted and the need to be true to who we are, our own unique self-expression. These two needs can be in conflict with each other which creates confusion and feelings of disconnection. These needs are pure when we are children but they gradually, and seemingly inevitably, get corrupted by our conditioning from our parents and society. The ego is this complex combination of all the ways that someone tries to meet those needs and be safe. Ultimately, Cox says, while we cannot overcome the ego we can step aside from it and move toward our native, and more authentic and vulnerable, self. At the end of the day it comes down to a person being willing to realize that they have unconscious parts of themselves that can run the show without them realizing it. The more awareness the more you can see those parts and make different decisions about who and how you want to be.
This week, Dan's back with an update on our makeshift pledge drive. We hear from Noah, a longtime listener who has pledged his support, and Dan makes a case for you all to be like Noah. (If you can.) Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 or $10 a month?) If so, send an email to dan@themanrules.com and let us know you’re interested. If enough folks say “yes” we’ll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel…
Chances are, you've had several relationships throughout your life. Some are ongoing (friends, family, etc.) Some ended. (boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, lovers.) Some maybe even ended badly. If you reflect on the relationships that ended badly, and on the times in your ongoing relationships where things weren't going so well, do you notice any patterns in your behavior and reactions? If so, you are likely starting to uncover your attachment style. In this episode, Dr. Ron Frederick, psychologist and author of "Loving Like You Mean It" breaks down the four basic attachment styles, explains where they come from (childhood, of course), and how to use emotional mindfulness to build stronger, healthier and happier relationships. He also offers up a simple, four-step approach to help you break free from old habits, befriend your emotional experience, and develop new ways of relating.
Thankfully, discussions about gender conformity and its influence on mental health, crime, and violence have hit the mainstream. A big part of that discussion focuses on the idea of "toxic masculinity." Is masculinity itself at the center of all of mens' problems? And are men at the center of all the world's problems? It can certainly feel that way if you spend a lot of time on Twitter... Randy Flood, author of the best article on toxic masculinity we've ever read (as well as several other books and articles about men's issues) is on the podcast this week to set the record straight on what toxic masculinity is, and what it isn't. He helps us understand that traits that are considered "masculine" aren't toxic, but that the rigid adherence to those traits in all situations, even when they are damaging to self or others, is.
We've been producing episodes of The Man Rules podcast every week for almost 2.5 years now. It's been an honor to provide this for free to our listeners as a resource for those in recovery, and those who just want to live more conscious lives. Unfortunately, we've reached a crossroads with the show. If we can't find a source of funding to cover the show's monthly expenses, we'll have to discontinue production. Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 a month?) If so, send an email todan@themanrules.com and let us know you're interested. If enough folks say "yes" we'll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel...
When we think about addiction and recovery, we tend to think specifically about drugs--both recreational and prescription-- including alcohol. But, some people struggle with other substances and behaviors that we don't often talk about when we talk about addiction--things like compulsive shopping/spending, work addiction, video game addiction, porn addiction, and compulsive overeating, to name a few. In this episode, Andrea (producer extraordinaire of our podcast) talks vulnerably with Dan about her own struggles with an addiction to sugar and other disordered eating behaviors. She discusses the ups and downs of recovery from an issue that many don't understand and yet is an epidemic in this country.
Is love a feeling or an action? Is it a choice we make, or is the result of a magical bond with another person that is impossible to explain? Do you decide to be a loving person, or are you just born that way? If you've listened to this podcast before, you've probably guessed that the answer is "both/and." Psychiatrist Michael McGee joins Dan this week to talk about love as both a practice and a guiding principle. And, this is not mere navel-gazing, people. Dr. McGee breaks it down into a series of practical steps to being more connected, more purpose-driven, and more fulfilled by building a more loving presence.
"If it's true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won't have sex with me?"
"Why won't he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There's no affection or intimacy."
"Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn't what I want matter?" If you're a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it? This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex--fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called "the porn rule" because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general--but, we digress. Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man's expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.
Look around your local gym long enough, and you're likely to see the phrase "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional," emblazoned on a bumper sticker, a T-shirt, or a bicep in the form of a tattoo. It's one thing to adopt that mantra as a way to encourage yourself to eke out one more rep or run one more minute. It's another to adopt it as an overall way of life. That's what Byron Katie specializes in. "The Work" that it takes to wake up to reality, let go of negative perceptions about yourself and your place in the world and to stop judging - others and yourself. Ask yourself a series of four questions when you're having a strong emotional reaction--
- Is it true? 2. Can I be sure that it's true? 3. How do I react when I believe that it's true? 4. Who would I be without this thought? If you do this simple--but not easy--exercise on a regular basis you can begin to opt-out of suffering and make more conscious decisions about your life. And remember, as Katie says: Reality is always kind. It's just that we so rarely live in it.
Our culture is weird about sex. We're surrounded by allusions to it constantly--in our advertisements, TV shows, movies, music, websites--but it's rare for any of those mediums to address it in a way that isn't salacious or jokey. It's rare to see any real or fictional characters in popular media talking about sex in a way that's mature and reflective.
In this episode, Dan gives a short talk on what it might mean for men if we all started having more earnest conversations about sex, reflecting on what we want from it, what we need from it, and what it means to us personally. How can we move beyond some of the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations The Water sets up for us, and define our own sexuality.
Men's experiences as fathers are more varied than popular culture would have you believe. Although the doors are beginning to open a little wider for men who want to take on duties that were traditionally only part of Mom's domain, there is still a lot of stigma to battle. Today, in honor of Father's Month, Nate Brewer talks to Dan about his experiences as a stay-at-home Dad. He explains both how he made the decision to stay home with his kids, and how people tend to react to the revelation that parenting is his full-time job. If you are also a stay-at-home Dad, Nate's story will help you feel less alone. If you have some assumptions about what being a stay-at-home Dad means--playing video games in your pajamas all day, perhaps?-- his story will likely entirely change your perception.
When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren't really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be. In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father's. It's the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity.
In honor of both Father's Month and Pride Month, we're replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen.
Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim's interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them.
Tim's own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.
It's not easy being a dad--at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn't a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success? What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it's like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.
When you have sex (or masturbate) do you have a goal in mind? Do you approach each sexual encounter with an unconscious strategy toward the endgame? (C'MON OF COURSE YOU DO.) Cam Fraser, a certified sexologist, Yoga teacher, and pioneer of conscious sexuality, is here to explain that by taking a goal-oriented approach to sex, you might be selling yourself, and/or your partner short.
Cam posits that all of our experiences are based in three relationships: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our deeper consciousness, and our relationship to our environment and other people. In this episode, he offers tips for deepening our relationship in all three areas, through the practice of giving and receiving pleasure, while expanding the focus of sex beyond orgasm and ejaculation.
Being "cool" is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men--whether their definition of "cool" leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons 'n Dragons table--is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.
Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?
In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which "The Cool Rule" affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?
It was a true honor to have Claudia Black, a pioneer in the study of the impact alcoholism has on families, join us on The Man Rules podcast. Claudia has dedicated her life to looking at the impact of trauma on family systems and the generational impact of alcoholism and other addictions.
In this week's episode, Dan and Claudia talk about what makes shame and trauma are so powerful and how to better recognize their impact. Claudia breaks down exactly what trauma is and provides some practical resources to help listeners deal with the effects of "little t" trauma. To learn more, check out her latest book, "Unspoken Legacy."
Listeners of The Man Rules podcasts tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society's rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can. All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work--well--sometimes it sucks. Although the work we're talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That's why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it's important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up.
Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan’s forthcoming book about fatherhood.
In this episode, Dan explains why it’s important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child’s life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.
Have you ever asked yourself that question? You may think, "procreation, of course" but that doesn't explain why people who don't want kids have sex. If you say, "fun and pleasure," that doesn't explain why, for the most part, we still seek out sex with other humans--even in an era where we can access porn within seconds, have sex toys discretely delivered to our doorsteps in two days or less, and maybe even order ourselves a sex robot, if all we really need are no-fuss orgasms.
The only explanation left, is that sex allows us to feel a certain type of connection and intimacy with another human being, that is difficult to achieve in any other way. In this episode, Alexandra Katehakis of The Center for Healthy Sex is back to talk to Dan about sex and intimacy, and how men can begin to identify what they really want and need from a sexual partner, which is often hidden--even from themselves--by The Man Rules, which tell them what they should want.
As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.
But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and the Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.
In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.
Money. Everybody wants it; nobody wants to talk about it.
Except Dan, of course, and his friend and financial advisor Marty McAlpin. In this episode, they give an overview of various money disorders and help us increase our financial vocabulary.
In addition to helping us understand the difference between a will and living trust, Marty brings to light the shame many of us have around money, the behaviors that result from that shame, and the impact those behaviors can have on our lives and relationships. If you’ve been wanting to tackle your finances but weren’t sure where to start, listen up and follow Marty’s road map.
If you’re a man, chances are, at some point when you were a boy, a man in your family made a conscious effort to teach you how to properly throw a punch. That was a skill you would need as you grew into manhood and it was just an unquestionable fact. Boys fight. Men fight. The manliest men fight well enough to win.
Dan talks today about The Man Rule that tells men they must fight--for survival, for respect, and sometimes just for the hell of it--and how that affects their self-perception and their relationships. What does it mean for men to be raised in a way that both implicitly and explicitly tells them that violence and asserting dominance is the “right” way for a man to solve a conflict?
And, in what ways can the desire to fight actually be a positive thing?
Listen to Dan’s thoughts, and then let us know what you think in the comments below. (Or, on Facebook.)
The rules have changed for being a Dad. There’s a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what’s a Dad to do?
That’s why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He’s interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be.
In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.
One of the most frequently mentioned Man Rules is “don’t be weak.” As a result, many men end up feeling ashamed when they become ill or injured. “Don’t be weak” may also be at the heart of a man’s resistance to acknowledging his, and everyone’s, ultimate weakness--that they are mortal.
Rick Belden is back on this week’s show to talk with Dan about facing unexpected major illnesses, and reckoning with the inevitable--and often unpredictable--end of life.
We know—This episode sounds like a total drag. Why would anyone want to spend 45 minutes of their already too-short lives listening to two guys talk about death? Well…
Because it’s something we all have to make peace with at one time or another, and it's hard to make peace with anything you aren’t comfortable talking about. We hope this conversation might open doors to your own conversations with your friends and loved ones about the ultimate end, and how you can all support one another in the precious meantime.
Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. The title of book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men’s sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability.
This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it’s for her own good.” Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.
Once Tidying up with Marie Kondo hit Netflix this past January, it seemed like everyone was suddenly talking about the real impact of household upkeep on our minds, bodies, and spirits. Of course, conversations about the division of household labor are not new to anyone who is married, lives with a partner, or lives with roommates. It’s often a topic that is loaded with anger and resentment, and that becomes a stand-in argument for any number of relationship troubles deemed too messy to even begin sorting out.
In this episode, Dan and Andrea discuss the show and its impact on their own personal messes and relationships. Has folding socks and towels more consciously helped them to live more consciously? Listen to find out.
Also, please email ideas@themanrules.com or find Dan on Facebook (DanGriffinMA) to tell us what you think about the KonMari Method, explain how you split household duties with your co-dwellers, or tell us your favorite stain removal tips. Whatever! We’d just love to hear from you.
Dan traveled to Rio de Janeiro, and really stepped in it.
Well, except he didn’t really step in it. He just thought he did.
You’re really going to have to listen to him explain this one.
Then, go to Dan’s Facebook page, and tell us your story:
Have you ever felt you had to do something you weren’t proud of just to get by?
OR, have you ever shown empathy and kindness to someone who took advantage of you?
All too often men are tossed into The Water and told to sink or swim. For any struggle we face, we’re often given some version of the same, age-old advice: “Man Up.” (What the hell does that even mean? Especially at a time when we aren’t entirely sure what kind of men we are supposed to be.)
But, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Men need a space where they can have real conversations about the unique challenges they face in today’s society - what frustrates us, what scares us, what confuses us, what gives us strength, what brings us joy, and what gives us hope for the future. We can learn so much about how to live the lives we truly want by hearing about one another’s successes and failures, and by getting real, actionable advice on life and relationships from men and women who aren’t afraid to get real.
In this, the first episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan provides a description of the water and lays a foundation for the journey toward conscious masculinity.
Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. TThe Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.
In this episode, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author Terry Real will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men. You will also hear some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others.
This is a replay of one of our favorite episodes. If you feel frustrated by discussions about consent and sexual morality, this is definitely one you won't want to miss...
Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it recently intensified with reactions to the story a woman named “Grace” told to Babe.net about a sexual encounter she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date? Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy? Is “Grace” a victim or a liar?
According to Mike Domritz, who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years, these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do? What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to have sex, without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the spectre of gendered cultural expectations?
This episode is a replay of one we first posted in back in 2017. Gillette's recent "Toxic Masculinity" ad recently brought ideas about the ways in which men are portrayed in popular media to the mainstream. Dr. Andrew Smiler has studied men and media for many years, and share some great insights. Definitely worth revisiting!
If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you’d likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You’d closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them.
1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they’re going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof - or a doof - in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.)
Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.
As we near the end of January, we often also near the end or our resolve to finally get our shit together this year. We made our resolutions because we know that the feeling of being perpetually disorganized and out of control brings us down. It leaves us feeling lost, unsatisfied, and useless. So, why isn’t that enough to keep us motivated to make changes?
According to this week’s guest Darcy Luoma--who is an executive coach and organizational development consultant--it may be because you’re focusing on the wrong things for the wrong reasons. Are you trying to get your life together because you want it to align more with your values, or with someone else’s values? Do you even know for certain what your values are?
Listen this week for some tips on building the life you want based on Darcy’s Thoughtfully Fit program. And, get even more great tips by texting tfcalendar to 33444
Let us know what you think about this episode--or anything related to the podcast, by sending an email to ideas@themanrules.com, You could also find us on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.
American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said that true success is “... to appreciate the beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…”
Clearly, that guy never had two kids and a mortgage.
In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about the Man Rule that often drives many of men’s decisions about their work and personal lives--The Success Rule. Success for men is often defined by having a lot of money, having a prestigious job title, and having the most sex with the hottest women. Sadly, it can lead to men choosing careers they aren’t really interested in and choosing relationships based in status-seeking, rather than the desire for a real, intimate partnership.
Dan and Allen encourage men to take a look at their own definitions of success and to ask themselves if it’s really their own definition, or one that they’ve just absorbed through The Water.
Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days?
Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them.
So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they’ve learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become.
Please email us at ideas@themanrules.com, and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We’d love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.
For many of us, vowing to change our habits at the beginning of a New Year has become, well… a habit. Unfortunately, all of the hope and good intentions we have on December 31, rarely sustains us past the second week of February.
So, how can we make changes that last? In this episode, Dan shares some tips based on his own experiences in building healthy habits like exercising and writing into his life. Though he’ll admit that his routines are far from perfect, he has had some success in implementing positive changes through planning and working with accountability partners.
We hope you’ll make sharing your thoughts with us a habit in 2019. Go to Dan’s Facebook page (@dangriffinMA) to share your experiences in developing healthy habits, or email us at ideas@themanrules.com
We all have a story about what it means to be a man. What we aim to do on The Man Rules podcast is to help each other figure out how we can be the authors of our stories. We don’t want to just mindlessly step into a role that was written for us, centuries ago, based on the needs and values of a world that no longer exists.
Is there any man on Earth, who embodies this struggle more than Santa?
In this episode, Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus) sits down with Dan to talk about the darker side of being Santa. Though he considers it an honor to be the world’s ultimate provider, the pressures to always show up as the man we expect to see definitely takes its toll. He talks about his 631-year marriage to Janet, how he let go of perfectionism and shame, his ongoing struggles with body image, and his reckoning with his own mortality. He also shares some exclusive, never-before-heard secrets of how the Christmas magic really happens.
You REALLY won’t want to skip this one.
Okay, you’ve requested your time off from the boss, booked the plane tickets, sent the cards, bought the presents, and baked the cookies --or completed any number of your traditional holiday tasks. So, you may think that you’re ready for the holidays.
But, we say, you’re not really ready until you’ve heard Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up the Holidays. Nothing like the holidays to push and pull us in all sorts of emotional directions, often like we’re just along for the ride.
But not this time! This time we’re goin’ in ready and armed. With awareness. This exhaustive list from our good friend Dr. Allen Berger tells you everything you DON’T want to do this holiday season. Listen on for some great tips and reminders on how to get through the holidays without making a mess! It really is possible. SPOILER ALERT: Print these out or put them in your phone. You’ll want to have them easily accessible.
In this episode, Dan is finally going to tell you the secret to always getting what you want, when you want it. And the secret is…
Let go of the idea that you should always get what you want when you want it.
Instead, spend some time thinking about your expectations. Start, perhaps, with expectations you have of your partner. Are they fair? Are they unfair?
More importantly, have you communicated your expectations? Have your expectations been negotiated and agreed upon by your partner?
When we fail to consider our expectations and to talk about them with others, we are setting ourselves up for resentment. Listen on for tips from Dan on how to get clear about what you expect from others and how to manage disappointment when you don’t get it. You’ll be amazed by how much a shift in your expectations, and a shift in how you approach them with your partner, can improve your relationship.
The holidays truly are magical. They have the power to magically transform fully functioning adults back into their adolescent selves, the moment they step into a room with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins. No matter how much you’ve grown, how much you’ve accomplished in life, or what your personal and professional status may be outside of those walls when you’re “home,” you may find yourself right back to square one.
And, the worst part? You know it’s going to happen. You know exactly who in that house will make that snide, passive-aggressive comment, and you know exactly how you’ll feel when they make it, and you know exactly how you’ll react. So, you swear that this year— it’s going to be different. You’re not going to get upset. You’re not going to let so-and-so get to you. You’re not going to sit and seethe over your pie, or seek revenge with your own passive-aggressive comments, or vow to never talk to these people again once this misery has finally ended. And yet…
According to our guest this week, you really can break these patterns. You just need a better plan. Tim Walsh, founder of Adventure Recovery and expert in helping families navigate and renegotiate their roles and expectations, gives tips on how to make the real holiday magic happen.
There are two ways we tend to think about vulnerability these days. The first is in terms of our technology. When websites like Facebook experience a data breach, we are reminded that our personal information is “vulnerable” to hackers. (That’s bad.)
The second, is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That’s good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs.
In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability. And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won’t just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond…
Allen also shares his recent first-hand experience with both physical and emotional vulnerability as an evacuee of the California wildfires. Allen, his family, and his home are all okay, but there are many who still struggling through the aftermath. Here are some ways you can help them.
If you think about it, nearly every story we pay attention to is one about transformation. The main character in your favorite movie likely starts out in one state, something happens, and they end up in a different state by the time the credits roll. The transformation can be mental, physical, spiritual, or a combination of all three... And the something that happens can be a giant, cataclysmic event, or a very small, almost imperceptible awakening to a new way of seeing the world. Really, that’s what each of our Deep Dive episodes is about--the story of how one man started out as X and ended up as Y.
So, in this episode, in which we turn the tables and have someone interview DAN this time, it made sense for the story to be about transformation itself. Dan’s life has been a series of transformations. And, they’ve been the kind of transformations that require a person to really see the good, bad, and ugly about themselves and the world around them, and gently accept it all for what it is, while still fighting for change--the kind of change that, on both an individual and societal level, can bring about a greater sense of peace and freedom. Dan talks about the hows and whys behind some of his transformations and offers tips for those who are going through their own journeys of personal change.
Oh. And there are also jokes.
To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror!
Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them--will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?--but also our deepest fears about ourselves--Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don’t recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention.
So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who’s boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain’t fair, kid, and the world won’t treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won’t live in our adult world but they’re not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.
[DEEP BREATH]
So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others’ points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative.
We often say we’d do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?
Listen for three tips on how to gain control over your need to contro
We are all sexual beings. In some ways, it's completely natural to notice attractive people and feel...certain urges. But, when do those natural, healthy urges cross over into something unhealthy--perhaps even sinister? When and how do those urges begin to influence how you see women (sex objects) and how you see yourself as a man (sex machine)? (Note: If you are a homosexual man, just replace "women" with men. It's definitely possible for men to overly objectify other men!) In this solo episode, Dan talks a bit about his own urges--NOT in great detail. This episode is only rated PG-13.-- and his struggle to understand the impact The Man Rules have had on his view of women's sexuality and his own...
In our monthly Deep Dive episode, Dan talks in depth with one man about how The Man Rules have impacted his life, and how he has worked toward a more conscious masculinity. This week Michael Dinneen manages to say a lot of really profound and beautiful things about finding God, without sounding the least bit like a sanctimonious arsehole. (That’s a rare gift.)
The conversation runs the gamut from friendship, parenting, recovery from addiction(s), and what it means to be a man. But, the highlight of each topic is the paradox that’s inherent in any man’s attempt at self-actualization— You can’t become self-reliant on your own. In fact, the more you rise out of the mucky swamp of your ego, the more you need to rely on others and on a power greater than yourself.
After listening to this episode, you’re probably going to want more wisdom from Michael. And you can find it in his book, The Gift of Fulfillment.
This post is being brought to you from the great city of Indianapolis, where Producer Andrea lives. For those who are unfamiliar, the Indy 500 is a race where odd looking vehicles with really big tires whip around a circular track at alarming speeds— often more than 200 mph. The aim is to be the first driver to complete 500 laps around the circle. There’s money, prestige, and fame at stake so, of course, all of the drivers are desperate to win. It’s pretty exciting stuff.
But for many people, (Producer Andrea included), the most interesting thing about the race isn’t the race itself. It’s the pit stops.
Isn’t it amazing that in a race where the goal is to drive, drive, drive as fast as you can, and be the first and the best, THE CARS HAVE TO STOP SOMETIMES? Can you imagine being an Indy Car driver, full of adrenaline and dopamine, with the words “Go, Go, Go!” crying out from the depths of your soul, having to make a conscious decision, often 2 or 3 times during the race, to stop? Can you imagine trying to convince yourself that stopping, even for only 8 seconds, would not put you at a serious disadvantage in a race where milliseconds matter? Can you imagine the temptation they must feel to just ignore the advice of their race team and just keep going?
(Do you see where we’re going with this analogy-wise?)
How do you feel when you read the following words? SELF CARE. Does it sound like something a woman made up--possibly Oprah? Does it sound like something only women are allowed to do? Does it sound like something that might be nice for other people, but just isn’t a luxury you can afford right now as you’re trying to get that promotion, or get that person to marry you, or get your kids into that great school, etc, etc, etc?
Imagine you’re an Indy Car driver. Imagine hearing your crew manager say through your radio, “Hey, man. You need to stop for new tires and some fuel and an adjustment of your flex capacitor.” (or whatever.) Imagine saying to him, “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess, but I just can’t stop right now… I’m in third place! Only a few laps to go! I can totally push through.”
Imagine what happens next. (Hint: A tire falls off as you’re speeding along, you spin out of control, hit a few other cars that trying to speed past you, cause them to spin out of control and hit other cars, crash, bang, fires, disaster.)
Self care isn’t bubble baths, pints of ice cream and Netflix binges; it’s a stop for needed maintenance. It’s a prevention of wear and tear on your vehicle. It keeps you in the race.
In this episode, Tim Harrington stops by to talk to Dan, not about the Indy 500, but about scheduled maintenance for your soul. (a.k.a. Self Care.) He offers up a number of great suggestions for how to do self care in a way that leads to lasting growth and change. Check it out, and stay tuned for future updates from Tim as he takes his family on the road…
What do people mean when they say that “it’s a man’s world?”
They mean, in most cases, that men possess most of the power and control in our society. But, what does that mean? Most men balk at the idea that they are “in control.” That’s because, like most things related to gender expectations, the definition of “control” can be a little murky. Men get the message in a million subtle ways from birth that a “real man” steps up and takes control in any critical situation. He’s expected to be the leader in the boardroom, the living room, and the bedroom. He’s expected to be in control of his emotions at all times, to be the one to discipline himself and his children. He has all the answers. He solves all the important problems. He earns the income, and controls how it is spent. He decides and directs. He takes action. He moves others to action. And he… must be so freaking exhausted. THESE are The Man Rules and the expectations they place upon men.
Of course there is nothing wrong with men taking on leadership roles if they feel qualified and called to it. It all comes down to whether they have a tendency toward “toxic control” or “nurturing control.” The rule that says men must lead, must control all outcomes, and must control those around them in order to achieve desired outcomes, is a form of toxic control and leads to a lot of misery for men, and the people around them. In contrast, “nurturing control,” which we agree sounds like a total oxymoron, is a tendency to take control of a situation when and if it is needed and warranted, and when those affected feel comfortable with ceding control to you.
In this episode, Dr. Allen Berger returns for another installment of the What Men Would Tell You… series. He and Dan offer some insight for women into where a man’s tendency toward toxic control often comes from, and how they may be able to support him in adjusting that behavior. AND, as an added bonus, women listening may be able to begin to recognize some of their own tendencies toward toxic control, with the end goal of forming a more equitable, mutually supportive, and satisfying relationship.
Practical & Tactical Tips 1. Reflect on one relationship that is important to you. How does toxic control show up in that relationship? How does nurturing power show up in the relationship? Note: Don’t ask yourself if you exhibit toxic control, ask how. If you ask how, we can assure you will find some presence of those behaviors in the relationship. 2. Experiment. If you find that you often feel the need to be right, try giving that up. Look at disagreements from the other person’s point of view and not yours. For example, if they say, “You never understand me,” instead of immediately pointing out all of the ways that they’re wrong, consider the possibility that you don’t really understand them. Investigate it instead of dismissing it as untrue or feeling like you need to correct them.
Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.
In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can help keep the home fires burnin’ in the bedroom and beyond.
In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan and Andrea struggle along with the rest of American through a conversation about Brett Kavanaugh, gender-based privilege, and the politicization of victimhood. All of those are fancy words for some real “complicated shit.”
By the end of the episode, the honorable podcast hosts both rule in favor of self-reflection as critical to growth and the development of real, meaningful and lasting success. Without it, one could remain frozen in adolescence, using the same old markers of success from his high school and college days--love of beer, sly references to esoteric sexual innuendos, athletic and academic achievements, and did he mention his love of beer?-- as markers of success when he’s in his fifties. That would indicate that he might be a man who, when he became a man, failed to put away childish things. (Just sayin’.) Sadly, protracted adolescence is nothing new for a lot of men. The Man Rules and how we raise boys to be men sets a lot of men up for that but how do we support them in taking responsibility for it?
Lack of self-reflection can leave one blind to their own privilege, blind to the power that often comes with that privilege, and unaware that they can do real damage with the choices they make. One man’s “silly” behavior, is another man’s - or woman’s - abusive and demeaning behavior.
At the end of the day, it can be really hard to see The Water sometimes. Especially when there's a benefit to not seeing how other people may be drowning in the same water in which we are swimming so freely. How do you know the difference? Well it certainly has to happen in conversation with other. And we have to listen to others. And believe their truth. That cannot happen without humility. And one cannot have humility when they simply stand in judgment of others.
The Man Rules Podcast has been blessed to have our producer, Andrea Sauceda, since we began in May 2017. We are a small podcast with very little budget and she has given her time graciously and generously. She is taking a long overdue break this month and so now I am taking over the reins for all of September. This is week 4 and let’s just say, I welcome her back! – Dan
“It is not death that a man should fear; but he should fear never beginning to live.”
- Marcus Aurelius
On September 4th, a good friend of mine died. Tragically. Even absurdly. While playing with his granddaughter and son in the ocean, his favorite place to be, he apparently hid his head on a rock while diving under a wave, was knocked unconscious, and then drowned. Crazy. And yet, that is the precious and ultimately unpredictable reality of life. We never actually know when it will end for us.
Tony was 62 and was just about to celebrate his 31st sobriety anniversary. In fact, his celebration of life ceremony was held on that exact day! It was most definitely a life well-lived. Tony exuded what I am constantly talking about: a conscious man. A father of 3 young men, grandfather, and loving husband of over 30 years, Tony was committed to being the best man he could be in every situation he was in. He exuded vulnerability and honesty. Whether it was in personal or his professional life, his goal was to leave you and your life better than when he first saw you.
Tony was far from perfect but if you could see the smile that emanated from his face or feel the strength of his hug as his arms wrapped around you, you would know that he was a conscious man.
The truth is there is nothing fair about his death. But Tony believed in miracles and he knew that he was one. He found God in the ocean and on September 4th, God found him there too.
I hope you enjoy this podcast and that it brings to mind the men like Tony you have been blessed to have in your life. Celebrate them - while they’re still alive.
Everyone is interested in how men and women are getting along these days. What if there were something other than “we’re from different planets” model? Once a month my good friend, Dr. Allen Berger, and I take over the Man Rules podcast to talk about our forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV.
This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.
This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.
How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.
I had the pleasure of having a conversation with Adam Lamb. The idea was to talk about how various types of masculinity impact the workplace. (Side Note: I am trying not to use the term “toxic masculinity” anymore because I realized I fundamentally disagree with it. It is too easy to use that to mean men are toxic or to dismiss outright certain expressions of masculinity that may not be as “cool” or “woke.” The men we most want to reach probably aren’t going to listen if that’s the term we’re using. I’m still working on a new term that better fits. Maybe, traumatized masculinity but I am not sure. I digress.) And we did talk about that. And much more including the role that conscious men - or harmonized men, as Adam talks about it - can take in the ongoing #metoo conversation. It was a cool conversation even if we didn’t quite talk about what I had intended.
Practical Tactical
- Men need to find a place where they can own all of who they are in neutrality. In other words: accept themselves and own all of their imperfections without judgment and shame.
- Join a men’s group. If you can’t find one, start one! Get on Meetup.com. There are online resources to guide you on how to do it.
- Body work. Some type of body work. There are numerous ways that we can take care of our bodies. Our spirit is the rider and our body is the horse. Start with something to honor the horse!
You can learn more about Adam at www.Adammlamb.com
Check out his new book An Initiated Man
Adam Lamb was born in Medford Mass in the turbulent 1960's. His mother is a Cuban immigrant and his father was a Professor of Modern Languages at Purdue University. Adam spent most of his life as a professional chef, writing non fiction in between cooking fish. A story teller since an early age, Adam sang in an all original rock and roll band in the 90's, writing all the lyrics, arrangements and recording three cd's with the South Florida band, Blind Pilot. He has three siblings as well as three grown children, and one grandson who all wish to remain nameless lest they get connected, socially, to Adam's infirmity and self indulgence. He is a sought after speaker on the issues of purpose, leading a thriving life and enjoying successful relationships. Following a conversation where the right questions were finally asked, Adam has dedicated himself to paying forward the freedom with which he now lives his life. He now coaches and guides those who are looking to take action in creating the lives they know is possible. He hosts a weekly Facebook Live called 'The Morning MAN-ifesto' and a monthly podcast, 'MAN-ifesto Radio'. Adam’s published works include: Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable, Profanity & Its Proper Use and An Initiated Man, Finally. His newest book, ‘Circle Jerk – Lessons of Manhood My Father Never Taught Me’ is due out in summer 2019.
The Man Rules Podcast has been blessed to have our producer, Andrea Sauceda, since we began. We are a small podcast with very little budget and she has given her time graciously and generously. She is taking a long overdue break this month and so now I am taking over the reins for all of September. Let’s hope I don’t break it. :)
Life is one lesson after another. If we are paying attention. Sometimes we get the same lessons over and over, often with increasing intensity. The first time it is as if the Universe is saying, “Psst...Hey Buddy” and just whispers in our ear. The next time maybe there is a slight tap on the shoulder. Then a tug of the arm. Then getting hit upside the back of the head. Hopefully a two-by-four across the forehead can be avoided. The question: What does it take to wake up? The young people (holy shit, did I just say that? I am still kicking and screaming into middle age) talk about being #woke and it is a wonderful concept but sooooooo much hard to put into practice in your life. At least, in my experience, it is pretty easy to go back to sleep.
In this episode, I talk about a car accident I had last week and the lessons I am taking away from it. I am truly grateful that nobody was hurt. I am pretty sure this was me getting hit upside the back of the head. It is amazing the near tragedies and catastrophes we walk away from because Life is giving us an opportunity to pay close attention. And yet we close our eyes. Other than my car, there was no damage. I hope I listen. This time.
Discussed in this Episode
The Butterfly Effect
Bullet with Butterfly Wings (and Lyrics)
In The Man Rules Deep Dive episodes, Dan talks to one man about his particular experiences coming to terms with some facet of his identity as a man. This month, our Deep Dive guest is Chris Cole, author, life coach, and host of the Waking Up Bipolar podcast.
Chris talks about his efforts to form a healthy identity as a man who doesn’t necessarily fit society’s definition of “normal.” He first encountered this struggle as a young boy, when it became clear to him that his preference for playing house with girls and his tendencies to be sensitive and highly attuned to the emotions of others did not fit within the realm of things that were okay for boys. His confusion around what was expected of him as a man and lack of ability to confide in anyone in his life eventually contributed to body image issues, disordered eating, and a substance use disorder.
Chris talks with Dan about how what he’s learned from his journey has helped to make him a better father, partner, and friend, and how he strives to help others through his work.
As our regular listeners know, Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week— as he is the third week of every month— to share more of the “whys and hows” behind the book.
In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about why they chose to write a book specifically for women. The Man Rules tend to prohibit men from being truly open and honest about who they are and what they need. It can be difficult for women to find a way in, in order to develop a deeper connection. The book is all about helping women create an opening in the relationship where there wasn’t one before. Through the questions and conversation topics Dan and Allen suggest in the book, women may once again be able to see their relationships as places of endless possibility, almost as they did when they first met their man. To help illustrate those possibilities, Dan and Allen share examples from their work with couples and from their own lives and relationships.
The book, however, is not about women having to change who they are in order to make that connection. Part of the secret is women learning not to take their partners’ behaviors personally. Dan and Allen cannot emphasize enough that if a man is acting inappropriately or in any way abusively, the woman has no role to play in “fixing” that.. That woman should put down the book and get professional help for her safety and to help heal or end the relationship.
As Dan says, “At the end of the day we're really just trying to provide a resource for women to get a better look at the inner lives of men. We want to create a little more compassion and empathy providing a different perspective on their man's behavior.”
There is no question that our society is deeply interested in how men and women get along these days. And there are certainly models that have attempted to negotiate that. What Allen and Dan are doing is a different approach. No more of this "we're from different planets" crap. This is two men who are very committed to growing in their relationships with the women in their lives. They believe part of the solution is helping women better understand men from a conscious man's perspective.
We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month: Don’t cry. Please email dan@themanrules.com with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.
Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.
In this episode, Dan shares some thoughts on how Dads can get back into the parenting game when they feel like they’ve been sidelined. When you and your partner have a baby, the focus often quickly and completely shifts away from your relationship and toward the needs of the baby. How can you begin to balance the baby’s needs, your partner’s needs, and your own needs, while being the best possible Dad you can be? It’s not easy, but it’s possible through honesty, open communication, and humility.
Tim Clausen, author, jazz musician, and friend of The Man Rules podcast, passed away on July 29. Tim was on a mission to help men—especially gay men—find their voices, find peace, and find love in all of its many forms. We were so fortunate to have known him and to have had him as a guest on the show, where he modeled the emotional courage and open curiosity about his own inner life and the inner lives of others we believe is key to helping men lead happier, healthier lives.
In this episode, we pay tribute to Tim by looking back on some of the best advice, insights, and personal experiences he shared on the show. Tim’s words inspired us to keep working to find our own voices and live our most authentic lives, and we hope they will do the same for you. He will be terribly missed.
It’s rarely easy for any of us to say “I love you” for the first time. But, this can be especially true when one straight guy loves another straight guy. Of course, those times are changing. Especially thanks to your friends at Budweiser all of those years ago.
The Water doesn’t leave much room for expressing all the different types of love that men experience. It’s okay to express familial love, and it’s okay to express love for a person you are interested in having sex with or currently having sex with, but expressing love for someone who is not blood-related and/or a potential sex partner? That’s just WEIRD, man. Or strictly verboten.
This week our guest Bob Nickman joins Dan for a Deep Dive on why, even in a culture that frowns on it, it’s worth taking the risk of telling your closest male friends that you love them. It’s one way to tear the social barriers that prevent men from developing close, nurturing friendships with other men. Bob and Dan talk about their own fears in expressing those feelings, and what the result has been of taking the risk.
It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.
There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.
Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)
That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes - as well as in their forthcoming book.
We’d love to hear what you think about this episode, AND/OR to hear about your experiences with the Man Rule we’ll be covering next month. Please email dan@themanrules.com with your questions and comments. Or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.
Change is hard. And, as men, we’re being asked to do a lot of it lately. The good news? We’re prepared for it. We’ve been preparing all of our lives for it. We just didn’t know. When we were growing up, and people told us that being a man required courage and bravery, we thought they meant the kind of courage it takes to run into burning buildings--but no. They actually meant we needed to be courageous enough to face something even more terrifying: our own feelings.
The world’s rapidly changing gender dynamics are your burning building. And, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to run in there without getting at least a little bit burned. If you want to make it out of that building as a hero, you’re going to have to take some emotional risks. You’re going to have to have a lot of honest and uncomfortable conversations about sexual harassment, sexual assault, gender discrimination, and your own privilege. You’re going to have to be willing to risk saying the wrong thing or asking a stupid question in order to learn. You’re going to have to be willing to feel the shame and resentment when some people refuse to have patience with you as you learn and make mistakes. You’re going to have to be willing to feel your own frustration and anger when you can’t seem to get anyone to see your point-of-view. And, you’re going to have to be willing to be humbled, to acknowledge that you don’t know everything, and to acknowledge that you may have been wrong. More than anything, possibly, you're going to need to listen in a way that you maybe never have.
Why in the hell would you put yourself through all of that? Because the reward will be great. You’ve heard the expression, “until all of us are free, none of us are free,” right? To the extent you help to remove the obstacles women face in trying to live to their full potential, you help to remove your own.
In this episode, Michael Levittan returns to talk to Dan about how men can thrive in the #MeToo era. At times, the conversation is awkward and painful. But, it’s a great example of two guys who are “not doing it perfectly, but doing it consciously.” It takes emotional courage for men to have these kinds of conversations in a public forum. AND, we’re willing to bet that it might take a great deal of emotional courage for many of you just to listen to this conversation to the end, without shutting it off to avoid feeling uncomfortable. But, we challenge you to stick with it and to join in the conversation, by letting us know what you think on Facebook, Twitter, or send an email to dan@themanrules.com.
Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.
Parenting is full of surprises. Some expected but a lot of them unexpected. The majority of the surprises we have no control over. That can lead to a lot of different feelings! So what do we do as fathers? What do we do when we can get this little creature who doesn’t respond to reason or argument to stop crying? How do we take care of our own frustration and not let it get in the way of our connection with our child?
We talk all of the time on The Man Rules podcast about anger. And, of course, it’s one of the few feelings that men are allowed to have in this society. What about all of those other feelings though? All of those same feelings our little beings embody every moment of the day? If you are not a man used to noticing how you get triggered by others’ feelings this podcast could help. A baby is completely defenseless, vulnerable, and unpredictable. Do any of those sound like qualities that The Man Rules embrace or prepare men to be able to handle?
We aren’t going to pretend it’s easy but we do give you some really effective tools that you can use right away - none of which cost you any money whatsoever to access.
Everyone looks forward to summer vacation! That is, until it’s actually time to go. That’s when the expectations you’ve had for the perfect, blissful family getaway meet reality. Unless you’re traveling solo to a remote, private tropical island and have no responsibilities or obligations to contend with at home--and if so, who are you and how do you do it?-- you’re bound to run into some stress and disappointment before, during, and after your trip.
In this episode, Dan checks in from his current vacation to offer some tips on how to manage the inevitable rough patches and get the most from your trip. Learn how emotional baggage, family roles, and gender roles can all play a part in turning your dream vacation into a nightmare. Also, get some tips and reminders on how you can take care of yourself while traveling so that your trip has better chance of being memorable because of the all things that went right, rather than all the went wrong.
The stories we tell about our Dads can shape the way we feel about ourselves and about the world. If your father was distant or critical, you may struggle with the idea that you’re not “man enough.” You may also have a hard time trusting that others will accept you when you’re just being yourself.
On the flip side, your Dad may feel pain and regret for his inability to connect with you. Few men are encouraged to develop their relational skills as they grow up--in fact, they are often actively discouraged from developing those skills. This was even more true for our Dads’ generations.
However, this doesn’t mean that all hope of developing an amazing relationship with your Dad is lost. Maybe all you need to do is rewrite the story. This week’s guest, author and Jazz musician Tim Clausen spent a lot of time interviewing gay men about their experiences with their fathers, an exercise that enabled them to see their fathers as fully human, and to forgive them when necessary. It also allowed them to redefine their own lives and break free from faulty assumptions about themselves and their fathers.
Tim’s own story of reconnecting with his widowed father is encouraging and inspiring. By simply asking his Dad the same kinds of questions he asks the interview subjects for his books, he was able to open the door to a deep and lasting friendship with his Dad before he passed away.
The Movember Foundation is a multinational charity that aims to raise awareness of and money for men’s health. They address some of the biggest health issues faced by men: prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health and suicide prevention. And it's definitely not just about moustaches!
In this episode, one of Movember’s Senior VPs, Mark Hedstrom, sits down with Dan to talk specifically about mental health among fathers (since it is #FathersMonth after all…)
As a society, we’ve raised the bar for what it means to be a great dad in the last couple of decades. Men are enjoying a lot more freedom to be fully, physically and emotionally involved in all of the ups and downs of parenting. But, as the Movember Foundation points out on their Facebook page, part of being a great dad is taking care of yourself, so you’ll be around to see your kids through all their major milestones.
Unfortunately, this also means that a lot of Dads are also feeling pressure do things perfectly. It’s not enough to be a good Dad; you have to be a GREAT one. The day-to-day stresses of trying to be Super Dad (and Super Husband, and Super Son, and Super Employee) can definitely take a toll on a man’s mental health. And, it can cause him to de-prioritize his own physical health in favor of devoting more time to the family. And remember, as we say on MRP all of the time: you can't do it perfectly, but you can always do it consciously.
To get started, visit Movember.com
Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There’s nothing we can tell you that will make the transition to being a Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That’s what we’re aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads from The Man Rules podcast.
You can listen to each episode in the same amount of time it takes your toddler to color the cat’s paws with permanent marker, drop your phone in the toilet, break your favorite coffee mug, and give herself a black eye by stumbling into a doorknob. (i.e. about five minutes.) Dan offers three no-nonsense tips on how to define your role as a Dad, and be the kind of father you want to be.
In this, our first Daddy Download, Dan dives into the issue of true co-parenting. Dads these days are likely to be much more involved in their children’s lives than their fathers’ were. But, sometimes stigmas about who should perform childcare duties (i.e. the woman, or the “more feminine” partner) still leave many Dads feeling left out. Dan shares three tips on how to stay engaged as both a parent and partner after you’ve had a child.
In this monthly What Men Would Tell You...If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV episode, Dan talks with Dr. Allen Berger about Dads--Specifically, the ways in which many men carry hidden grief over their relationships with their fathers.
Men tend to bury and carry a lot of grief about their relationships with their Dads. Whether their Dads died or left the family when they were young, or were just emotionally absent during their upbringing, many men suffered from a deep, underlying sadness about their fathers inability to connect with them. And this sadness, filtered through The Man Rules, often came out as anger, rage, and/or good, old-fashioned “strong and silent type” stoicism. This is the perfect companion episode to Dan’s solocast last week Dear Dad.
There is no question this can be a heavy conversation but Allen and Dan bring their usual goofiness to the conversation. (You can be goofy, and still be alright, after all.) And, they offer some important tips to men who want to parent differently and for women who want to support them in that.
You have issues with your Dad. Whether you have a great, not-so-great, contentious, or non-existent relationship with him, there are bound to be some pain points that you’ve never talked to him or anyone else about. That’s why this month (June) we’re devoting every episode of The Man Rules podcast to exploring the good, the bad, and the ambivalent in regards to fatherhood.
In this episode, Dan kicks off Father’s Month by recommending that you write a letter to your Dad. You can talk about whatever you want and start however you would like. Just start the process and see what happens. You might talk about any lingering anger, sadness, pain, or frustration, you currently feel toward him. You don’t have to send it, of course. (In fact, in most cases, you probably shouldn’t send it. Even if you think you do want to send, it’s best to let it sit for at least 30 days before you make that decision.)
The idea of writing a “Dear Dad” letter automatically brings up a lot of resistance in people. When Dan asks people to write this same letter in his workshops, many people get angry, defensive, and uncomfortable. Each person’s stated reason for not wanting to do it is unique, but subconsciously, it all likely boils down to one thing— fear. Opening those old wounds can change the way you see your father for better and worse. Whether you idolize or vilify your father, chances are, writing this letter will bring him up (or down) to a human level. And, that can start to break down some of the usual defences and coping mechanisms you’ve developed around that relationship. Seeing your father in black and white terms— as either a total saint or totally irredeemable asshole— might be preventing you from seeing him fully, and as result, might also prevent you from seeing yourself fully. And, as if that wasn’t enough, your relationships with all other men have been shaped in large part by your relationship with your father; heal your wounds with your father and you’ll likely heal your wounds with other men.
If you approach this exercise openly and honestly, you might start to uncover unhealthy perceptions and patterns of behavior you’ve never noticed before. And, that’s a very important step toward living more consciously.
Finally, remember this: You cannot write the WRONG letter but you can write the EASY letter.
If you were asked what it means to be a good man, what would you say? What if you were asked what it means to be a real man? The contradictions between the answers to those two questions drive much of the confusion that men find themselves in today, according to sociologist and leading expert on masculinity, Dr. Michael Kimmel.
Most people will say that a good man respects women, is a leader, is courageous, and helps others. Then they'll say that a real man doesn’t show emotion, is all-powerful, always wins whatever the cost, isn’t gay, and doesn’t act like a girl. So, is it ever possible to be both a good man and real man at the same time? If The Man Rules say we can’t be vulnerable and the only way to break out of the constricting pain of the Man Box is to find vulnerability - what is a man supposed to do? There is no easy answer but it has to start with men finding communities of other men with whom they can share their truth.
After almost four decades of studying masculinity, Dr. Kimmel is hopeful. The conversation is just beginning and men, slowly but surely are finally being given the opportunity to make being a "real man" and a "good man" one in the same.
Socrates is believed to have said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Most days, we navel-gazers over here examining our lives to death are inclined to agree. But, some days, we have to admit that the examined life, even in all its richness of purpose and meaning, can be f@#$ing exhausting. Of course, that assumes one is able to distinguish between self-obsession (America’s favorite pastime) and genuine self-awareness. Of course, that is a whole 'nother podcast!
Nevertheless, our guest, Rick Belden, makes a pretty good case for the examined life, in spite of its drawbacks. He’s spent decades examining his upbringing, his behaviors, his masculinity, his triumphs and disappointments, his relationships and his very being as a poet, as an early client of the great John Lee, and as a member of many men’s groups and support systems. In this episode, one in our monthly Deep Dive series, he talks about the decisions that led him to where he is today, and why he thinks that taking that road less traveled by has made all the difference.
Examining a life, especially one that’s gone a bit off the rails and led us away from our true hopes and desires, requires an uncomfortable level of self-awareness. It’s not hard to understand why many would choose an unexamined life, preferring to escape into any and all of the distractions and diversions the material world has to offer. Still, we endorse it heartily as certainly better than the alternative. Just make sure you give yourself permission to watch reruns of Beavis and Butthead every once in awhile, too.
Dr. Allen Berger is back to help Dan introduce an exciting new monthly project for The Man Rules podcast! Dan and Allen are working on a book called What Men Would Tell You… If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. It’s geared toward women who find the behavior of their male partners and/or spouses to be...puzzling, to say the least. Actually, it's for all women in a relationship looking to better connect with the man in her life. The book doesn’t ask women to adjust their own personalities or behaviors, but instead gives them tips for creating space for understanding and cooperation.
All of that is pretty exciting, right? But, here’s the really exciting part. Each month, they’ll be answering relationship questions and sharing comments from YOU, Man Rules podcast listeners! If you’re stuck in a relationship rut, need some perspective on what your partner could possibly be thinking, and/or want to share what you wish your partner understood about you, email dan@themanrules.com.
There’s a lot of talk about anger and rage in the media these days. According to many, we live in an “outrage culture” and male anger is the cause of much domestic assault and gun violence. We’re also often reminded that social media has destroyed civility and turned us all into narrow-minded, passive-aggressive--and sometimes just plain aggressive— bullies.
What if we told you that one of the biggest problems with our society's obsession with anger is its fundamental misunderstanding of what it even is?
While some of the alarmism around anger is justified, the reliance on extreme examples is giving us a distorted impression of what anger really is, how it can be expressed in ways that are healthy, and how it can help build connections rather than destroy them.
In this week's episode, John Lee is back to talk about how has been trying to help people understand the differences between anger and rage for decades.
Lee lays out the differences between anger and rage, (i.e., anger is a feeling; rage is an action) and helps us understand the destructive behaviors associated with enrage and outrage. He and Dan also offer some suggestions for men who want to learn how to recognize when anger is moving them into an emotionally regressive state; a state where they’re reacting to past events rather than responding to present circumstances.
Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. As this week’s guest, Terry Real, puts it men either feel that they are failing the agenda or that the agenda is failing them.
Men today are awash in intense conflicting messages about what it means to be a man. And, they are finding that the things that they once took for granted as the rewards for following The Man Rules--the right job, financial security, sex, marriage, family--are not as easily guaranteed as they’d been taught.
There’s a lot for men to be depressed about these days. The Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet.
The challenge is that men don't necessarily know that they are depressed. In fact, it can be quite easy for them to miss it. So how can we help them see it? What can their partners do?
This episode will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men and give you some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. While it’s true that these changes in gender dynamics will likely lead to more opportunities for both men and women in the future, it’s important to make sure that we don’t lose too many men in the shuffle.
In this episode, Dan reflects on some of those conversations, and talks about what he’s learned from the show—how it’s helped him recognize some not-so-healthy patterns in his own life and uncover some blind spots that he had around gender equality, even as a person who has spent years learning and speaking about it. He also looks ahead to the next year and talks about changes and improvements we’re making to the show.
The Man Rules do not prepare men to navigate the rocky emotional terrain of their day-to-day lives. So, what happens when childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse make that terrain much, much rockier than average?
In most cases, it leads to men suffering in silence from profound depression, crippling anxiety, rage, addiction, and behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others. Larry Ruhl, our guest this week, was on such a path until his caring partner encouraged him to get help. His father began sexually abusing him at age 4, and he was constantly subjected to his narcissistic mother’s verbal abuse, manipulation, and violent rages. Teased and berated for not being man enough; seduced and abused for his sensitivity and vulnerability.
He shares his story with Dan and proves that no matter how men have suffered, or how limited they’ve been by The Man Rules, there is hope and there is a better way forward.
Larry’s story is the first to be featured in our new series of Deep Dive episodes, where we ask one man to share about his struggles in learning to live authentically in spite of The Man Rules. If you can identify with any of this story please find someone with whom you can talk and consider getting help and support. You deserve peace and you don’t have to suffer alone.
Jess Pettitt is, among other things, a diversity educator.
Did you just roll your eyes at that? Did you shudder at the memory of a terrible corporate diversity training you we forced to attend in the past? Did you recall a particularly hilarious episode of The Office where they brilliantly spoofed diversity trainings? Did you feel annoyed at the idea of giving the PC Police yet another platform and frustrated by the fact that you can’t say anything to anyone anymore without offending them?
Then, you’re definitely going to want to listen to this show. Jess and Dan shine a light on how the fear of getting it wrong— whether “it” is breaking one of The Man Rules or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to your female co-worker— prevents us from learning from one another, developing meaningful connections, and advocating for positive changes. And this is not a one-sided conversation. This is no liberals-are-awesome-and-conservatives-suck kind of deal. It is about learning how to listen to everyone.
Jess also shares some great practical tips for doing the best you can with what you have some of the time, instead of striving for perfection or opting out due to pressure and frustration.
Stories of violence continue to appear daily on our screens and we continue to wonder why. Is it the guns? Is it mental health? Is it video games? Is it Trump?
Is it men? (All but two of the mass shootings in the history of this country have been perpetrated by men or even adolescent boys.)
Maybe, says our guest Randy Flood. Though male socialization isn’t the only cause of male-perpetrated violence, it’s impossible to deny that it plays a role. Most men learn early on to disconnect from emotion—theirs and everyone else’s.“Suck it up” and “man up” culture has left many men without the ability to acknowledge their own pain and struggles. And, if you can’t even empathize with yourself, how can you ever really empathize with anyone else?
In short, men are left with no tools for dealing with things like fear, shame, rejection, loneliness, and anger. As a result, many act out aggressively, and sometimes violently - because those are the few tools many men are allowed to use to deal with the overwhelming emotional pain and suffering in their lives.
In this episode, Dan and Randy talk about how helping men gain emotional literacy and develop empathy can lead to a reduction in domestic violence and other violent crimes.
Any relationship worth its salt—whether it’s with a partner, spouse, co-worker, friend, or child—is well-seasoned with conflict. “We never fight” is really just code for “We are never honest with one another.” So, don’t measure your success in a relationship based on how often you fight, measure it based on how calmly and respectfully you manage to behave during a fight, and how authentically you are able to reconnect with the other person afterwards.
Reconnecting after a major disagreement requires humility and vulnerability--and, God, we so resent that here at The Man Rules podcast. But, in this episode, Dan explains how you can actually get comfortable with vulnerability in spite of The Man Rules’ insistence that you never feel or show vulnerability. And, he shares some great tips on how to create emotional safety for your loved ones by demonstrating that the relationship is more important to you than the rift.
A major shift is happening in how we view gender, sexuality and violence. Many people, like our guest Mary Woods, see echoes of the 60s civil rights movements in this modern era of protest and consciousness raising. But, many men feel confused about their place in these movements. In the stories we hear day after day, men are the perpetrators of the sexual violence, racial violence, and gun violence. Much of the conversation focuses on how to change men--and no doubt, change is needed. But, as Dan often says, “We can't just change what men think, we have to change what we think about men.”
Change cannot happen when people are silenced or dismissed. The Women’s Movement has had its success through teaching women how to understand the day-to-day mechanics of their oppression and the importance of speaking out against them. In order to speak out, they had to build a huge community of people who would lend their support and make it safe for them to speak out and take action.
We have to do the same for men.
In this episode Dan and Mary talk about the ways that we can support men as they confront the injustices of their socialization as men (i.e. be the biggest, the baddest, the richest, the meanest), wrestle with their relationships to power, and try to build a canal through the muddy waters of gender expectation.
The truth—as both Dan and his guest Dr. Michael Levittan see it—is that the ways we raise boys and girls to relate to one another is dysfunctional at best, personally damaging and emotionally debilitating at worst. The consequences of this reality range from domestic violence and sexual assault to a life full of disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.
So how do imperfect people and imperfect parents such as ourselves, with our own struggles and hang-ups when it comes to power dynamics in relationships, show our children a better way? According to Dr. Michael, one way is to raise them without consequences.
For those of us who are parents, that sounds crazy, right? Irresponsible, even! But, the remarkable thing about Dr. Michael’s approach, is that it can help kids, teenagers, and young adults make space in their minds so that they can actually think for themselves about the potential consequences of their actions and have a productive conversation with their parent(s) without the fear, resentment, or anger—feelings that so often get in the way of kids (and adults!) ability to make good decisions.
What kind of man do you want to be? And, what’s keeping you from being that man? That is the mantra of our podcast. Chances are, one of the things getting in that way is unresolved pain from the past. “Ah, horse shit!” you say. “I can’t stand those people who blame their parents and their teachers and their schoolyard bullies for everything. Just get over it already!”
So, here’s the bad news: the impact of childhood, relational trauma—the type of trauma that falls more in line with day-to-day instances of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and emotional neglect—is not just the stuff of daytime TV talk shows. It’s been the subject of rigorous scientific study for some years now and has been shown time and again to not only have a negative impact on your behavior, but also on your actual physical health. (Read more about the ACEs Study for details.)
But, here’s the good news. According to our guest Dr. Mike Barnes, you can change the past—Kind of. Sometimes understanding how and why you struggled within your family can help you change your story. Did you know you wrote it? That means you can rewrite it!
And, if you struggle with anger, anxiety, depression, or addiction, identifying the traumas that may have triggered those struggles can allow you to take advantage of the many groundbreaking treatment options that have become available in recent years, including EMDR and neurofeedback.
If your aim is to live a life that’s more intentional and more fulfilling than the one that was modeled for you growing up, this is a topic you won’t want to shy away from. It’s not about blaming other people for your problems--it’s about taking responsibility for your own behaviors through deeper self-knowledge.
As men, we often define ourselves by degrees of career success. It’s not enough to produce good work--you have to produce the best work. It’s not enough to provide a modest, but comfortable living for yourself and/or your family--you have to provide enough for the bigger houses, the best neighborhoods, the best schools. It’s not enough to have published a couple of books that you’re proud of--maybe they could have been New York Times bestsellers if you'd have worked harder. Whether your job is in a business setting, or inside your home as the caretaker for your family, it’s not enough to just be present and try to contribute to the whole in a way that’s authentic and meaningful to you--if you aren’t making tons of money or getting tons of recognition for it, haven’t you failed somehow?
In this very special solo episode of the podcast, Dan says, “Nope” and “Fuck you.” JUST KIDDING. Instead, he speaks very sincerely about his own struggles with having enough and being enough. And, about his own uncertainty as to whether his drive for greater and greater success in the field of men’s health and recovery over the past decade was really born of his own true passions, or from an unconscious acceptance of The Man Rule that told him what kind of success he should want.
We’d love to hear your own stories about this struggle, which we know is a common one for so many people. Hop over to our brand-new, closed Facebook group, to talk about it with other like-minded men and women.
Visit the children’s clothing aisles in your favorite department store, and you’ll quickly see how deeply obsessed we are with gender dichotomies. You can be either masculine or feminine, dolls or trucks, pink or blue. You can either be tough or you can be soft. You can either be objective or you can be emotional. You can either be devoted to family or devoted to career. Everything is either/or, rarely both/and.
This means that in order to embody our cultural idea of masculinity, men have to give up any and all claims to traits or behaviors we label as “feminine.” This forces men to detach from the fullness of the human experience.
In order to change the ways we think about men--and help men change the ways they think about themselves--we have to be able to hold competing truths in our heads--You CAN be a total badass and total sweetie pie at the same time. We also have to stop looking at men who display hyper-masculine perspectives and behavior and calling them “typical.” They’re not. They are extreme examples. In order to change unfair expectations about who men can and should be, we have to focus on what’s really going on with men who live between the extremes.
In this episode, Dan talks to psychologist Dr. Ryan McKelley who helps shed some light on what is really going on in between the extremes and how men can tune in to the full range of their emotions to develop more self-discipline and make more meaningful connections.
For Jason MacKenzie everything was going as planned. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, two kids, a nice house, and a nice car. So, how did he one day find himself, widowed, and drinking until he passed out (again) on his couch, while his heartbroken 9-year-old daughter played on the floor alone?
On this episode of The Man Rules podcast, Jason explains how he radically changed his life by stepping outside of his alpha male persona and embracing his long-hidden emotionality, sensitivity, and creativity through vulnerability. You’ll learn more about his mission to help other men discover the power of emotion through his Mental Health Warriors project and hear his Practical and Tactical Tips for living a more authentic life. He and Dan also discuss the differences between the problematic use of alcohol and addiction, and paths available to recovery.
Practical and Tactical Tips 1. There is so much knowledge and wisdom to be gained through your emotions. Allow yourself to feel every single one. You don’t have to let them dictate your decisions in order to learn from them. 2. Be willing to share your story in order to help others. This doesn’t mean that you have no boundaries and share anything and everything and with anyone and everyone. It means that you recognize when someone is struggling, and offer to share your story if you think it will help them. 3. When you start to step into your emotions, you are going to create opportunities for yourself that you’ve never even imagined before. Learn to embrace those opportunities and to learn from disappointment and failure.
Bonus: If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through right now, you can book a complimentary two-hour conversation with Jason at MentalHealthWarriors.com.
About Our Guest Jason MacKenzie is an expert on peak human performance. His philosophy, experience, and methods are born from the laboratory of his own life and the lives of the people he serves. A father, published author, experienced speaker, and proven leader Jason is sharing the important life lessons he has learned from his harrowing personal journey. He is a survivor of his wife’s battle with bipolar disorder and subsequent suicide and has overcome a decade-long battle with alcohol. His goal is to equip every man with the tools to become a better father, leader, and human being. Find out more at MentalHealthWarriors.com
Mentioned on The Show The Mental Health Warriors Podcast
Terry Real - “The impact of male socialization is disconnection.”
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
Why are we afraid of giving “girl toys” to little boys? Why don’t we have those same fears about giving little girls “boy toys?” Delene van Dyke, a sexuality and gender diversity educator from South Africa, explains how all of that has to do with the way we tend to put everything into binary categories. This or that. Either this or that. Black or white. Boy or girl. Gay or straight.
And what about the labels of “gay or straight?” Are those categories even as simple a label as they seem? For example, particular sexual behaviors, like receiving anal stimulation during sex have been identified as quintessential marks of male homosexuality. But many men who identify as straight also enjoy varying degrees of anal stimulation. Does that mean that they are secretly gay, or that human sexuality is more nuanced and complex than we’ve been led to believe? The problem, as she brilliantly has shown, is that we've conflated what really should be separate phenomena - gender, sexual identity, body parts, and sexual behavior.
This episode may help you understand more of the “whys” behind some of our society's biggest social issues right now. And, as Delene says on the show, once you know the why, the how--particularly how to effect positive change--will often take care of itself. It's usually when people step outside of their binary boxes that the magic happens.
In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive Guys (Tim Walsh, Michael Dinneen, and Dan) talk about the ways in which they felt “different” as kids, the consequences, both internal and external, that they experienced for breaking The Man Rules, and the ways in which they are striving to change the rules and make things different for their kids.
What does it mean to be a “sensitive man” or a “tough girl?” How can we make sure that the gender-positive message we send our kids at home override the negative message they receive out in the world?
Mentioned in This Episode
Pictures of Tim’s Most Recent Outdoor Adventure
Anchorman, one our producer’s favorite movies of all time, which was only alluded to because none of the guys could remember its name, leaving said producer trapped in a glass case of outrage and emotion. Insert video clip: https://youtu.be/5fmHCNfowbQ
About the Deep Dive Guys
For more information about Tim Walsh, check out his website timwalshconsulting.com. And, you can find Michael Dinneen on LinkedIn.
If you’re confused about what women want sexually, it may be because many of them are confused themselves, though through no fault of their own.
Most of us, men as well as women, feel confusion about sex and our sexuality, but this episode focuses solely on women's particular struggles. Our guest Kit Maloney offers women a special opportunity to take a pleasure pledge, in which they commit to exploring their own sexual pleasure, on their own terms, every day in February, capitalizing on a month that already celebrates love, romance, and healthy sexuality at its best.
Kit also talks to Dan about the ways in which women are encouraged by our culture to disconnect from their bodies, to avoid exploring about their own sexual pleasure, and to look outwardly toward men and the media for cues on what they should and should not want sexually, rather than relying on her own inner values and desires.
So what can men do with this information? How can men, especially straight men, support women in this journey? Kit shares some great tips on how men can move beyond their own fears and insecurities about female pleasure, and support women in their journey to discover their authentic sexual selves.
Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it recently intensified with reactions to the story a woman named “Grace” told to Babe.net about a sexual encounter she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date? Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy? Is “Grace” a victim or a liar?
According to Mike Domritz, who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years, these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn’t, and about what’s at stake when we’re too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn’t “consent” really the least we can do? What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to engage sexually, without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the specter of gendered cultural expectations?
Was 2017 the year of the woman? It certainly could be seen that way. We watched a presidential election cycle that featured the first female party nominee for president. We watched many women (and some men) come forward about their experiences with discrimination, harassment, sexual assault and abuse at the hands of some of our nation’s most prominent and powerful men. We’ve seen women pointing out injustices from the streets of Washington, D.C. to the stage at the Golden Globes.
The times are changing for sure. And, while hardly anyone would argue that these changes aren’t positive, it’s also true that change almost always brings with it some level of fear and uncertainty. Even the most open-minded, conscientious, and equality-loving man may wonder where all of this leaves him, and to navigate relationships with women in both his personal and professional life going forward…well, it can be quite a bit overwhelming. And confusing.
In this episode, Dan and Andrea Sauceda, the Executive Producer of The Man Rules podcast, talk about their own perceptions of the progress being made toward gender equality and how men and women can bridge the gap.
Happy New Year! And welcome to the annual tradition of making resolutions without much resolve. This year, though, could really be your year. Instead of relying on willpower to achieve your goals, rely on a framework for positive change, like our guest Darcy Luoma’s Thoughtfully Fit®.
Through her years of experience, Darcy has learned that if you want strong relationships, effective teams, more internal peace, and greater success you need to work from the inside out. She calls this being Thoughtfully Fit and just like physical fitness, you need to work at it. Being Thoughtfully Fit can help you lead yourself, as well as your relationships with others, by improving your ability to communicate, and effectively handle conflict by acting mindfully and intentionally. It’s a great model for developing the kind of conscious masculinity we always talk about on the show, and for becoming the man you want to be in 2018 and beyond.
Also, if you’ve ever wondered about the difference between a therapist and life coach, Darcy and Dan offer an explanation and some tips on how to decide whether you need therapy or coaching. (Or both!)
Hurray for the holidays, a time of joy and wonder! You wonder why you put yourself through this shit every year and feel joy when it's finally over. BAH HUMBUG. Okay--so maybe it's not that cut and dried. What most of us feel during the holidays could most likely be described as ambivalence. There is, of course, the stress, and anxiety, and resentment and grief, but there is also the awe and the laughter and feeling of connectedness and purpose that many of us get from gift-giving, meal-preparing, and spending time with family. In this episode of The Man Rules podcast, The Deep Dive guys talk about their personal holiday trials and triumphs and share advice on how to use this time of year to recharge and connect with what matters most.
For more about this episode: http://www.dangriffin.com/man-rules-podcast-2/
“Things can be true on one level, and on another, not true at all. Wisdom is to know how to hear and see on different levels at the same time.” - Richard Rohr
Let’s think about the typical life cycle of a public sexual misconduct allegation. The conversation that surrounds each accusation tends to center around what’s right and what’s wrong. We want--no, we need--clear answers. Was it a harmless joke? Or, was it a clear violation of sexual boundaries? Is it right to fire him over that? Is it wrong to suspect the victim may be exaggerating? Is going to “sex addiction treatment” just a way for the perpetrator to try to shirk responsibility for his actions? What if the perpetrator isn't a man? What if the victim isn't a woman?
Dr. Alexandra Katehakis returns to the show to help Dan finally and definitively answer all of these questions--JUST KIDDING! There, of course, are no definitive answers to these questions. That’s one of the many things that makes this gender-based cultural upheaval extremely confusing and sometimes painful. While at the extreme ends of the sexual misconduct spectrum, we can clearly label some people as criminals and others as victims, there’s a lot of room in between for varying degrees of nuance.
Though Alex and Dan don’t provide us with all the answers, they do make a convincing case for embracing the chaos in a way that forces us to be more honest with ourselves and with each other, and for seizing the opportunity to have these conversations in our homes, workplaces, churches, and schools, so that we can build a better future based on true gender equality.
Roy Moore. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. These are "bad guys," right? They represent the extreme end of the sexual misconduct spectrum. Most men can easily say they don't identify with any of these guys. They have never done the things these men have done and never would do the things these men have done. There are bad guys, and there are good guys, and they are good guys. They are not sexist. They have mothers! Sisters! Daughters! They would never mistreat women, or speak about them in a demeaning way—End of story. Open and shut case.
But... We all live in The Water. And if we really want things to change for the better for both women and men, we have to take a closer look. In this bonus episode, Dan talks about what sexism really looks like in our day-to-day lives, and explains why men need to reckon with their privilege without getting bogged down in feelings of shame and disempowerment.
Cheryl Sharp is an expert on trauma and resilience and lifelong sailor. So, she knows a thing or two about dealing with rough waters, literally and figuratively. In this episode, she and Dan talk about the stunning cultural tsunami of the #MeToo movement and how it seems to be leveling and rearranging the ways in which men and women are expected to interact with one another. "The Water"--which Dan explains in the very first episode of this podcast--can destroy us, but it can also wash us clean.
If you’re a man who’s hesitant to listen to this one because you’re afraid you’ll hear only more arguments about how men are to blame, take heart. Cheryl has a great deal of empathy for men and the pain in them that often leads to inappropriate behavior. This doesn’t mean that she excuses the behavior--not at all. But, she does believe that the way forward is creating spaces where both women and men can speak openly and honestly about their feelings and their struggles.