wild woman wild words

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Sometimes when happiness exists, but can not find a place/time/people to take root with, it seems as if it drifts away. It takes the happy pieces of you with it, and leaves a shell. This poem is about the importance of home, not just a house.

Empty House/Empty Home

and where do i find you now,

a flash of a smile,

a tilt of a head?

where does one come calling,

empty house, empty home?

you are gone and each day i lose hope.

the pieces have expired and have left me; just me.

but not even that, really.

you took the all of me with you.

so i am a shell.

but the whole of me (you stole away)

lives on with you in the wind.

those parts of me should be happy,

and maybe it is so...

and yet my shell remains.

March 9, 2011 by Ka'iulani Kauahi © ℗

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This poem is about how I, a polynesian woman relate to other polynesians who have had to "hide" themselves to assimilate for the purpose of survival. It's about a little girl who is from New Zealand, but is not Maori by blood, who hid the parts of her she loved when she moved. By the time I got to know her, I am wondering to myself if she can still access those beloved, forgotten parts. I believe I wrote this at 1:00 am in the morning, which is why it is called "What keeps me from slumber deep" even though the repeating call withing the poem itself is "maori."

Also, my use of lower case and inconsistent punctuation is not stylized- i'm actually just a very lax writer!

What keeps me from slumber deep (Maori)

i imagine you at age seven, running wild and free through grass and ocean.

your hair wild in the wind, catching sunlight and challenging those who would call you impostor.

your heart marked you what your blood did not. maori.

i can hear your voice, distinct with the sounds of being young and unburdened.

i am afraid of becoming you now.

you laughed when you told me the story of your childhood, and how you were teased.

it made my heart hurt that you still pretended to be unscathed.

they were cruel to you, forcing you to hide the parts of yourself you loved best.

but you hid those things too well and too long.

i don't know you anymore, i don't think you can find yourself.

where are you?

it was an unfair life for you, an unfair childhood.

you were scared and hurt. maori.

i will not be that child. i am not ashamed.

i consider trying to help you, but

i am half-afraid you will bite my hand,

half-afraid you will accept my help

and pull me down with you.

would it break your heart to admit this all?

would it be worth it to have those pieces of self back?

if it seems like i hate you, or i am jealous of you,

i am not.

i just can't comprehend the pain you dealt with,

and i can't even contemplate losing all the things you lost.

one day i hope, though i don't hold my breath,

you will find your way back. maori.

March 11, 2008 by Ka'iulani Kauahi © ℗

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Thank you for listening to the first episode of my podcast! I hope you enjoyed something about it :) If not, maybe next time. In this episode, I explain a little bit about why I'm starting this podcast and introduce my poem, "Bigger Life."

Bigger Life

They say representation is important

But I have never seen myself in any of you

Am I human, too?

When I grow up I want to be

Nothing greater than all that is me

But when I look around, the picture is so small

Shall I grow bigger and greater than them all?

Little lights casting little shine

All little pinpricks in this shadow of mine

I squint and tilt my head to see

But it’s all so small, just dust to me

I don’t understand how you are satisfied

With anything less than all the stars and the sky

Yours are so different than what I dream

How can two breathe so differently

Do houses feel like houses?

They look like prisons

I like my home like I like my world

Open, free, elemental

I don’t want to be boxed in by your walls

Or rings or marriages or offspring

I don’t want anything but art and happiness and yes,

Some pain

Your jobs and your mortgages and your furniture

Can just fuck all the way off of me and my body

I live my life legislation free

Naked when i want to be, maiden when it suits me, mother in the energy, and crone all on repeat

This is the place for me, in the magical realm

Your world is so far from me and I can’t comprehend

Being okay with the things that you seek

Wanting the chains and the kids and the keys

To the house you’ll never pay off unless you got your law degree

Your politics that determine the value of your paper greens

My greens are leaves and trees and smoke

My greens are mountains and oceans and toke

My magic is primal and naked and free

My magic is fruit dripping juice off the tree

My blood is the water and the rocks and the seas

My blood rules the rivers, to them I am king

My words are the poem that spoke this world’s first breath

In my words are life, in my words are death

So human I may never be, but I will sacrifice it all to finally be free

Wind I will become and release my breath

Earth I will become and release from death

Water I will become, and release my tears

Fire I will become and release my fears

The small and simple joys of life are too small for me to see

And for that reason, they are beyond me

Their smallness is such that I can not comprehend

**And so I accept that I am not human

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Ka'iulani Kauahi