The Ranches Podcast: Recent Episodes
The Ranches Podcast
As a family do you subscribe to a grateful or covetous spirit? Is your time and energy focused on being grateful for what you have and what you have done? Do the possessions and accomplishments of those around you capture your attention?
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
Do you know how to rest? One of the things that's really critical for kids, that starts at home, is rest. As an adult do you teach your kids or show them how important it is to rest?
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Does your family lie? We all lie. It's pretty common to have little white lies here, little white lies there. But do your kids watch you lie on a regular basis? Are you teaching your kids to lie?
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Difficult People
We all have difficult people in our lives. How our children deal with those difficult people is going to trace back to how we, as parents, have dealt with difficult people in our lives.
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Family Worship is the object of our exploration on this episode of Raise Them Up Podcast. What do your kids see you focus your time, effort and energy on? An hour on Sunday morning is one level of energy, but what do they see you doing the rest of the week?
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
If the one thing you can do for your child is always make life a little bit easier to navigate, it is so worth it. It starts at home.
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
What divides us? A lot of families are trying to deal with the differences that exist in their own family. By learning the importance of diverse thought, we can avoid contempt and resentment for those who live their lives differently. It is critical for us to teach our children to react to these events in a rational and reasonable way. We must meet these events with patience, understanding and a conversation.
Join The Ranches as they explore the value in having the capability to disagree with someone, without it destroying the relationship. Learn important strategies for dealing with what divides us.
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
We all have memories from distinctive times in our past. Every family goes through things. Tough times…challenging times…celebratory times…times of change. Emotions link to memories and memories are a part of what makes us. What will our kids remember about quarantine?
I don’t believe that I am out of line in calling this a distinctive time in our lives and in the lives of our kids. “School’s out for Summer” was just a catchy lyric in my day, it was never intended for the month of March. This is the reality for millions of kids today; a complete disruption to routine and rhythm and a societal abandonment of the consistency and predictability afforded kids by school, sports, teachers and the structure of their time.
Seemingly, in an instant, everything has changed. Stay at home is the new normal. In addition, parents are at home and, while acting as the new teachers, also have jobs that, in many cases, have moved home. It feels like all the rules have changed. The dog is happy to have company while the cat just wishes everyone would leave again. As a rule, people just aren’t very good at new normals or temporary changes or disruptions to predictability and consistency. We love our routine and our rhythm. The same goes for our kids.
As a result of these circumstances that are beyond our control, the most agile and adaptable are outpacing the most athletic and disciplined. Athletes, as it turns out, aren’t as essential as we thought, while nurses are more essential than we ever imagined. We miss our sports but need our medical professionals
What does all of this have to do with parenting and kids?
The most agile and adaptable parents are also most likely to outpace those who are more dedicated to traditional routines, rules, structure and pace. Agile and adaptable people are looking for opportunities while their counterparts cling to what used to be. Those who fail to adapt find themselves powerfully equipped for a society that no longer exists.
If we set aside our own personal feelings aside, what will our kids remember about quarantine? I have two children being impacted (1 high school and 1 college) because they will have to remember the graduation ceremony that did not happen. Their graduation memories will not be filled with a ceremony celebrating their hard work. While we will celebrate their accomplishments, they will not know the feeling of the calling of their name and that walk across the stage that we all took. Somehow, it just doesn’t seem remotely adequate.
But what will they remember about their parents?
Were they a burden and an inconvenience?
Would we have rather been anywhere else?
Did they miss out because they were penned in?
Will they think that their parents missed work more than they loved spending time with their children?
Can they quote, “This is a teacher’s responsibility! Not mine.”
Will they remember parents who say, “I can’t wait until this is over.”
Or will they remember a parent saying, “I don’t really want this to end.”
And, “I’ll miss being around you all the time when this is over.”
Or, “We should continue to eat dinner together…even when we don’t have to.”
And, “We had such a great time and became so much closer as a family.”
Or, “Who needs FaceTime when we can talk face to face anytime?”
Those memories will be determined by us and they will be concretized with either feelings of “burden and inconvenience” or “opportunity and optimism.” We, as their parents, have incredible power and influence with our kids and we can choose to make them more important than any crisis or, conversely, we can choose any crisis over our children.
I am “all in” for the opportunity transcending crisis. Hopefully in the “new normal”that comes after this current new normal, we will keep prioritizing time spent face to face over time spent on FaceTime and meals together over meals eaten at the same time. In the end,
Join The Ranches as they explore the fringe. The fringe is when you're kind of on the edge of a spectrum, political, parenting or whatever it is. It's the extreme edges of not mainstream, it's on the fringe of things.
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.
Today we're going to talk about control and control issues. We are all at some point or another catapulted into this idea that we need to have control of something.
It's important that we as parents recognize our obligation to our children at this time.
The appropriate response to these last few weeks is staying home, limiting your exposure and only going out for essentials. That's an appropriate response. Hoarding necessities is not, and kids are paying attention to that.
For children to become responsible adults we need to teach them proper accountability. If we do this, children will not grow up to become adults that think nothing they do is wrong.
Most kids when they get to a point where they're overwhelmed they get into a mini tantrum of some sort.
Learn more at: http://www.theranches.org
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
I’ve worked with “at risk” youth for most of my adult life and have lived with for my entire life. In that time, some things have stayed the same while other things have changed in startling ways. Kids often hope for value, acceptance, and appreciation. That has stayed extremely consistent. What has changed is the tendency to feel offended.
Whether learned or copied, being offended has become a overly relied upon strategy for dealing with challenges from others. It takes disagreement and forces a victim-perpetrator dynamic upon differences of opinion. Disagreement takes work and a willingness to regulate one’s emotional responses so as to find resolution. Offense allows for an abrupt end to disagreement by prioritizing the victim and vilifying the perceived perpetrator. Kids are paying attention to adults and are learning to silence those who disagree or offer constructive criticism. For me, it serves little to no purpose unless it is in response to personal and unfair attacks. I most often choose not to fall into it simply because it serves to silence healthy communication and disagreement.
Healthy Communication
Healthy relationships allow for disagreement, but more importantly, allows for growth and an expansion of thought. Ultimately, a diversity of thought is important. I often stay engaged long past the point where others walk away. We may be better off if we start considering where others are coming from while choosing to carefully and thoughtfully considering our own views on things.
Many of the kids and adults that I’ve worked with have some unhealthy and self destructive tendencies and beliefs. It is hard to challenge those tendencies and beliefs when kids and adults don't accept differences in opinion. As the adult, I choose to set an example of working through differences, listening, challenging, explaining and trying to understand where others are coming from. I don’t always get it right, and I have room to grow. I tend to try to always seek first to understand and then to be understood. Unfortunately, many that I’ve worked with want to be understood before gracing others with a desire to understand.
As A Result
As a result, I work to choose not to be the victim of others, or offended by them. Difference in opinion is healthy. Feeling offended can limit relationships with people who see the world differently. I strive for value, acceptance , and appreciation, too. I value a relationship as long as it supports difference in opinion.
Learn more at: http://www.theranches.org
Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!
Accountability - The Ranches is a place for kids to get a fresh start and to develop new tools and learn new ways of navigating life. In most cases, kids come to The Ranches with inadequate and unhealthy ways of dealing with relationships and with conflict. Initially, we start the process of orienting kids to their new living environment.
While we’ve all had to navigate these situations in our lives, for young people this can be fairly traumatic. Everything is new. It is in this first phase that we begin to see how kids naturally operate. How they handle peers. Is change difficult. How they deal with and view authority and, in many cases, how they see themselves. When kids first arrive at The Ranches, we see them at their most raw and their most vulnerable…and often scared of what is to come.
As kids adjust, we start to introduce accountability and help them to see how it effects their daily lives. In many cases they have experienced inconsistent, unpredictable and sometimes violent accountability. For most of the kids, this creates a hesitation to accountability.
Definition of accountability:
The quality or state of being accountable - especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.
As you can probably imagine, most kids – really most people – struggle with accountability…especially when it comes from perceived strangers. Along with accountability usually comes conflict, stress and a plethora of negative behaviors. For the staff of The Ranches, this is often uncomfortable and difficult to emotionally process. Why does this child that I don’t really know seem to hate me and everything that I try to communicate with them? Well, this is the work that we do.
To understand the struggle with -accountability, it helps to know what kinds of behaviors that we deal with in kids when we attempt to introduce consistent, caring, committed accountability. In working with the kids at The Ranches, our goal for accountability is for them to achieve competence and competence requires accountability. Their resistance to competence and accountability usually comes in several forms.
Transfer of Blame
Kids often seek to transfer blame to others. In transfer of blame situations, we see the blame become the most relevant part of accountability to the child. “It wasn’t my fault! My roommate did it!” or “You’re not my parent!” are typical utterances at The Ranches. While one is true and one may indeed be true, these statements serve the child by transferring the all-important blame for the transgression onto someone else. “It isn’t my fault,” therefore you can’t, or shouldn’t, hold ME accountable.
“I need (vs. want) this!”
We work tirelessly to meet the needs of the kids at The Ranches. It is part of our mission. Because of our deliberate choice in meeting the needs of our residents, the kids often attempt to turn their wants in to needs in an effort to force us, through guilt, to give in to their wants. Turning accountability into an accusation of not meeting their needs is a powerful strategy. “I lied because I didn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth” is just one example of this behavior. Safety is a basic need and reshaping situations to be a need unmet is typical and, at times, prolific. “How can you hold me accountable for how I attempt to get my needs met?”
“Just kidding”
In many cases, accountability is applied to kids for the hurtful things said to others. While it is rarely effective, it is a “go to” for many kids. The idea is that, if they didn’t mean anything negative and were simply making a joke, they shouldn’t be held accountable for someone else taking offense to their statement.
“That other kid is worse than me!”
Pointing the finger at someone else is a longstanding strategy in crime and in politics. Unfortunately, the kids of today have grown up watching this strategy play out on the evening news and on near every crime-based t...
One of the only ways accountability can really exist is to have reasonable consequences. Everybody has a different version of reasonable, but kids do need consequences for their behaviors.
Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.
We know kids do respect and want limits. We also know, that a relationship can get fractured to the point where a child does not respect the parent. If that's the case then things can get very difficult. It can be difficult to get back on track.
Learn more at: http://www.theranches.org
Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.
There's a lot of talk about Empathy in the world today and how we need more of it. Empathy is the ability to see something from somebody else's perspective. As a result they can "walk a mile in their shoes".
Learn more at: www.theranches.org
Christmas is a special time for most of us. We are looking forward to spending some time with family and friends. But for many of the kids, Christmas comes with a host of mixed emotions. While the gifts and celebrations are a welcome distraction from living away from home at The Ranches, Christmas also comes with consistent and constant reminders of how far away from ideal their life has been. For many kids, like those at The Ranches, Christmas often reminds them of what has been lacking in their lives; Hope. It’s now easier than ever to give to The Ranches and to designate your gift for specific items that are needed by kids throughout the coming year.
Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.
Bullying itself is all about control. Bully's are trying to control the things around them.
Learn more at: http://www.theranches.org
With the kids at The Ranch we tend to focus a lot on dealing with trust. Why would they trust us? We have to earn it from scratch. In a family setting there are four elements that create trust.
Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.
Equine Gestalt Coaching is life coaching with the assistance of horses. We're able to raise awareness about different issues we may have.
Learn more at: https://www.theranches.org/equine-coaching
and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffOQ9kuMYgw
By Heath Kull
Note: I have spent precisely ZERO days of my life as a girl. I was raised at a “boys ranch” in rural New Mexico and was surrounded by a seemingly endless stream of fresh male faces. None were the same but none too different either. My experience with girls comes primarily from being married and having 3 female children…and working with at risk youth of both genders. Growing up in rural New Mexico in the 70s and 80s wasn’t without its charm, but my childhood also didn’t come with much in the way of intricacy or nuance when it came to children. “Boys will be boys” and “sugar and spice and everything nice” were the prevailing thoughts about the genders and little more thought was attached. All of the kids that I grew up with were either “at-risk” boys living on a ranch at their families request due to behavioral issues or abandonment or neglect; or they were the children of the people who worked with the “at-risk” boys – “staff kids” as we were called; both boys and girls. Due to the sheer numbers of us, boys were prioritized and tended to get the majority of the attention. Despite the disparity in numbers, the girls and the women were a part of life on our campus and there was little to differentiate them from the rest of us males. Looking back, I can only imagine the feelings that the girls and women had about our little male-dominated oasis in the New Mexico desert. Oddly enough, I don’t really remember the issue being discussed openly, if at all.
As a result, my views on girls and women were formed through my rather myopic lens and through a limited number of relationships with the opposite sex; that is, until we moved to a big city and I was enrolled in a large public high school. Going from a community of 70 to a school of 2000+ was a rather shocking experience. The things that remained the same for me were that “boys will be boys” and that I was still expected to take risks and somehow gloriously stand out while sheepishly fitting in. I did my best but rarely, if ever, felt that it rose to the threshold of being “good enough.” I just wasn’t good enough, but for who? I still do not know who I was striving to be “good enough” for, but I do know that I wasn’t enough and, in many cases, still tend to feel as though I don’t quite measure up to some unspoken standard. If I felt and still feel this way, I fear that I have more in common with girls and women than I have allowed myself to realize. I have also failed to be able to summon the courage to regularly try and put myself in the shoes of those girls and women that I am surrounded by in an effort to understand their pressures and fears. I failed to summon the courage until the choice was removed from me and I was forced to face what I had chosen to ignore. I had a capable, competent and beautiful wife and three capable, competent and beautiful daughters. I had to ask myself, “What are they facing? What are their struggles? Their fears?”
Raising girls of my own – even with their mom being ever present in their lives – has been humbling, rewarding and terrifying in varying doses and mixtures. While I had expectations for them as a parent, I was not prepared for the myriad expectations that people feel that they have the right to place on girls with whom they have no relation or connection.
“She seems or is…” “Too quiet” “Too loud” “Too big” “Too small” “Too tall” “Too short” “Too masculine” “Too feminine” “Too angry” “Too meek” “Too blunt” “Too timid” “Too agreeable” “Too disagreeable” “Too much” “Too decisive” “Too indecisive” “Too cautious” “Too cavalier” “Not enough”
And the list continues, ad nauseum. So, what’s a girl to do? This is where things get complicated as there doesn’t seem to be a definitive answer. The women and girls that I know have both conquered and at times still struggle with expectations. Whereas men and boys seem to have channeled the accusations of toxicity into anger,
By Heath Kull
Many families today struggle to find a balance between being connected to each other and the hectic demands of today’s fast paced world. This is understandable as we are all busy and we all are seemingly attached to our smartphones and other devices on a fairly consistent basis. It is easy to be so connected to the information world that we, by default, become disconnected from those in the room with us; even when those in the room with us are our children.
Despite the inevitable arguments that will be offered, I believe that our devices allow us to be in our comfort zone whenever we pull them up to our faces. I can hear the cries of, “that’s not my comfort zone! I need it for work!” already. The truth is though, that it is indeed our comfort zone. Our devices allow us information without interaction and, somewhat conversely, interaction without the messiness of actually talking to people on any terms other than our own.
“Didn’t see your text”
“Service is spotty”
“Must have gotten stuck in my outbox”
“I prefer to text message”
All of these represent our ways of dictating the terms of interaction with others. I’m not sure that would work in real life and in face to face interactions.
“I’m just going to ignore you while you wait for an answer from me to your question.”
“Sorry. My hearing went out for a minute.”
“I don’t feel like speaking to you anymore.”
“Write down your thought and allow 5-7 business days for a response.”
None of these are altogether plausible and all would be considered rude; or at least impolite if offered in person. (Obviously the second one takes on a far more sincere tone when uttered by one with hearing aides, but…)
Like I said, devices allow us the opportunity to stay in our comfort zone. The only problem with that, though, is that it keeps us out of our growth zone. Growth is never really comfortable and being comfortable never really leads to growth.
This concept is particularly true in families. Everyone can be in the imaginary world on their devices and quite comfortable while the relationships within the family cease to grow.
I encourage all families to find a time for growth and allow some time for comfort. “Device free dinners” or “Device free game nights” can allow relationships to grow between those spending time together and allow a retreat to respective comfort zones after the activity. (And the adults can’t claim, “I need my phone for work!”)
If families can learn to balance their comfort zones and their growth zones, the family stands to be more connected to each other and stronger as a result.
By Heath KullMost of us are familiar with the 10 commandments and are at least aware that they form the basis for both Judeo-Christian ethics and our legal system. And technically, they represent the first download from the cloud to a tablet. While they may seem old-fashioned to the younger generations, they are 10 rules that, along with the golden rule, have raised and sustained many of us throughout our lives. I try to follow them and also treat others as I want to be treated. For reference:
You shall have no other gods before me.
You shall not make idols.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.
While I am neither as wise nor as succinct as the Lord Almighty, I also have a 10 commandments…for parenting.
I will make my children a priority and will work to never be “too busy” or “too tired” or “too anything else” to spend the time with my children that they need. As parents, we have to work to ensure that our actions and our priorities match. I will not model behavior for my children that I then punish them for. It can be easy to allow ourselves to act in a way that we feel that we deserve to act due to our age and accomplishments, but to our children, we are role models and they are always watching and even copying us. For them, it is confusing to get punished for acting like their parents.I will not express frustrations about my children to others as I will commit to expressing my frustrations directly to them. We don’t appreciate it when people speak behind our back and damage our reputations to others. Why would our kids be any different?I will set aside time in my schedule, no matter how busy I get, that is sacred and belongs to my children. It is easy to get busy, but kids need time with their parents that they don’t have to fight for, ask for or behave badly to get. This can be dinners or Sunday afternoons or whenever you can carve out the time. It just needs to be sacred to you and for them.I will teach my children to honor and respect me by honoring and respecting them. While demanding respect sounds like a good strategy, it usually doesn’t work…unless you’re willing to physically scare them. And is that really respect, or just fear?I will not kill my kids, or hit them in anger, or say things just to hurt them, or be a bad example of a human being for them. This one can be a challenge but shouldn’t be. If we treat our children the way that we want them to treat us, parenting gets a whole lot easier. I will not invest more time and energy in other people’s children than my own. Working at The Ranches can make this a challenge, but I am particularly committed to this one based on how I grew up. You can never teach your kids that you love them by prioritizing someone else’s child. I will always reward the efforts and accomplishments of my children. When our children were particularly young, my wife and I tended to “reward the slightest try.” As our children got a little older, we continued to acknowledge the effort and started to then celebrate the successes and the accomplishments. I will always be honest with my kids and teach them to be honest with me. Most people today tend to believe lies are OK if they’re in a situation where they fear a negative reaction from others or if the lie won’t really hurt anyone. I don’t accept this and have always strived for honesty in all situations - especially when it’s difficult. It’s one of the original 10 after all.I will not compete with or be jealous of my children’s accomplishments. Sadly, it is all to common today to see adults reliving their younger years through their children and competing with their kids in unhealthy and unfair ways. Just don’t.
Note: This isn’t an intellectual paper written with the expectation that intellectuals will intellectualize my intellect and reduce said intellect into shards of insecurity and shame. It’s just my view and my experiences. You can take it or you can leave it, but your - or anyone else’s - attempts at invalidating me and my experiences isn’t a part of my process. That’s all yours.
I didn’t grow up in today’s Information Age. In fact, I grew up in rural New Mexico at a group home for “at-risk” children. My parents ran the place and I was just a staff kid who got in everyone’s way a lot. But I was observing and paying attention...always. When I was young, only boys were considered “at-risk” and, as such, I grew up at a boy’s ranch in rural New Mexico during the 70s and 80s. While I admit that it was a simpler time, I make no claim that the issues that I faced are to be easily dismissed as simple. I faced the same basic issues that kids face today, I just faced those issues without the internet, without “safe spaces”, without “gun free zones”, without political correctness, without warning labels on everything and without the fierce and ill-informed mob of internet “experts” and well-meaning Christians hell bent on righting society’s wrongs and without social justice warriors cowardly labeling everything that they don’t like as something to be seen as awful. There was no “violent speech” or “political correctness” or “toxic masculinity”. We (society) made all of those up as a part of an agenda that doesn’t have the courage to do what all righteous agendas seem to do; honestly identify itself. This new agenda can best be described as the “woke” movement. “Woke” is yet another term that was born out of pop culture but every bit as fictitious as the other terms previously mentioned. As defined by Merriam-Webster – Woke: aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice)
As I was growing up, men were expected to be proud providers and protectors. Men were also expected to be self-sufficient; especially emotionally. In addition, men were expected to be good at a lot of things and exceptional at one or two things. Men were expected to be, or at least appear to be, unafraid. Men were expected to express their emotions with acts of service and courage for their loved ones; particularly women and especially their spouse. Contrary to popular belief, I was not raised with the expectation of not talking about my feelings. I was just taught not to talk too much about love, fear and emotional pain. Thankfully, having 3 daughters forced me to evolve past that commitment to shield the world and those around me from my vulnerability.
Then along came “toxic masculinity”. This is another one of those made up, social justice terms with an origin that is less easily dismissed. Abusers, pedophiles, criminals, “alpha male dude bros”, malcontents, anti-socials and narcissists are all at the root of “toxic masculinity”. In reality though, these are such a limited and easily avoided part of the population that the term “toxic masculinity” had to be expanded and applied to anyone who isn’t, at worst, gender neutral and, at best, gender fluid. Eventually, the definition was simplified to just be a convenient label for those who aren’t “woke” Anyone who leans towards traditional masculinity or who is Christian or who admits that they, as Eric Church puts it, “Don’t like to fight, but ain’t scared to bleed” is labeled as being a purveyor of “toxic masculinity” and a barrier to society’s overall progress and success. Those boys and men who aren’t hyperaware and actively attentive to important issues; particularly those issues related to social justice; are the prolific and oft vilified examples used to prove the existence of toxic masculinity. Sadly, abusers, pedophiles, criminals, “alpha male dude bros”, malcontents, anti-socials and narcissists have had the spotlight taken from their tox...
A lot of the drama in our lives comes from the drama triangle. In that triangle, there is a persecutor, a victim and a rescuer. We have to be honest about those roles and look at how we contribute to that drama. Kids often feel like they are the victims of their persecutor parents. They then look for a parent or relative to rescue them from that perceived persecution.
There’s Something About Them That I Hate About Myself
Some of our biggest struggles with our kids happen when we see things in them that we know are present in ourselves. We pass along characteristics and behaviors to our kids and, when we aren’t proud of what we’ve passed along, have a negative reaction.
One of these in my kids is competitiveness. My wife and I are both competitive. While my wife is competitive at board and card games, I am competitive across a wide range of things...like merging into traffic. When my kids display those characteristics, I have to recognize that I passed that along to them.
I am amazed at how often I hear this from kids and adults today.
When I was growing up, kids were expected to be what their parents, teachers, loved ones and caretakers expected them to be. We were seen by adults as in the process of becoming who we are. They were the guides and it was a journey they chose to take with us because they wanted to contribute. Then along came “Be Yourself” and “Be You” as a strategy for helping others. While I understand the origin and the motivation to encourage others to “be themselves”, I think that the origin story has been lost.
Many kids and adults and minority groups and marginalized people faced an incredible amount of pressure to meet expectation and “fit in” in ways that were harmful and damaging. Being expressive and challenging authority or long held social norms were met with less than compassionate resistance from families and authority figures. Those who were different than expected; those like me; were often made to feel like they had to sacrifice who they were in order to belong and to maintain relationships with people that they genuinely cared about and who, however misguidedly, cared about and for them. When they reached their limit for the ultimatums of their loved ones, they had to choose between being who they were and who they wanted to be, or they set about suppressing their feelings, thoughts and expressions of thought and feelings for the benefit of someone who neither cared to understand who they were nor could handle something about them. In those days, being yourself was achieved when you were willing to accept the consequences of being yourself. That was just how it was until the “Just who I am” approach to dealing with criticism and feedback became the default approach to helping others.
The things is; it has become all encompassing. Some (NOT ALL) have weaponized “just who I am” against anyone who is ever hurt by them or dares to challenge them in any meaningful way. “I cannot adapt, grow or change because who I am is, ‘just who I am”. I’m sorry, but I respectfully disagree.
Michael Jordan was not born as THE Michael Jordan. He was born as an athletic kid with good genes and even better work ethic. He was born with a determination to be the best version of himself; to grow, adapt and change for the benefit of himself, his teammates and his goals. He worked hard, added skills, failed, got back up, got better and eventually found incredible success as the best version and expression of his athleticism, intelligence and work ethic. The best version of himself. To say otherwise attempts to diminish how hard he worked to become THE Michael Jordan.
Imagine if we approached relationships this way.
No one is born honest, or a leader, or tough, or a hard worker, or comfortable with conflict, or a good communicator, or a writer. Those are all skills that we can achieve when we are dedicated to being the best version of ourselves. I was not born with the ability to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I wasn’t even born with the ability to read. I developed those skills on purpose. It still isn’t who I am as much as a skillset that I have worked to add.
Kids are born with genetic predispositions and the potential for talent. Great adults teach us to cultivate those predispositions into skills and talent; usually by example. We learn, grow, adapt, fail, get up, work harder, and find success. We do this because we find the reasons to embark on the difficult journey of growth, self discovery and self awareness. And the process is hard and painful. It is, however, worth it. Those that throw their hands up and say “that’s just who I am”, marginalize and minimize all of those who have decided that they can take whatever they were born with and build up skills and talent that allow them to become the best versions of themselves.
Maybe, just maybe, we should stop proclaiming that our actions are due to us being “just who we are” and start being honest ...
Are you a good listener? I am not. While I am good at processing and storing the information that someone is trying to communicate with me, I often have trouble listening the the person and accurately identifying and validating the emotions behind, and delicately interwoven, into what the other person is saying. This is an area of struggle for me - a blindspot.
I simply process the world “out loud” and often have an intensity to my messages that I am, at times, less than aware of. To compound matters, I have been known to have a fairly firm grasp on the use of words in an effort to elicit a response. While I am stubbornly proud of my use of words, I am quite ashamed of my inability to listen well. I also struggle to know how to deal with people who respond to the intensity of my words without understanding me as a person. In short, I am a better communicator than I am a listener. The obvious response to this, by most people, is to either try and match my intensity or simply shut down and struggle to find any words to respond to me at all.
While the easy way out is to make blanket statements about listening or communicating better, those are emotionally and intellectually lazy arguments. In truth, I hate being ignored; whether by silence or just emotionally. Being ignored, based on my experiences, means that I am unimportant and have little or no value to the person ignoring me. My response is often to get louder or cut deeper with the words that I am so fond of stringing together. My main boundary in life is “don’t ignore me” and, if you are going to ignore me, don’t try to ever convince me or pretend that I am important to you. Ever.
Yes, I am part of the problem.
So, how does one go about becoming a better listener? I am working on it. The best way to say what I am working on is to compare listening to people to listening to music. There are lyrics - words and rhyme - that someone has turned into a poetic message. conversely, there is music that accompanies the words by adding emotion. Reading the lyrics or only listening to instrumental music is how most people listen. Both miss half the message.
I am working to hear all of the other parts of the song; and I suck at it.
Sadly, a lot of people do. They don’t look for the pain when the anger is too easy to see...and to ignore. They don’t see the fear, because the panic is too obvious, too easy to ignore and too simply and ineffectively placated by, “it’ll be ok.”
On the other end of the spectrum, the hardest part for me are always the people who cannot listen to me without making the exchange about themselves. Often, instead of listening, hurting people will hear a statement based in pain, and turn that into an indictment against what they’ve done. Or worse, take a statement about self esteem or awareness and compassion, and make themselves more heroic or more noble or more valid because they’ve “obviously” done what they are hearing the other person do in a far better way; better than me.
We all need different things and we all could be better listeners. Maybe if we took the time to understand the person we’re listening to, commit to their importance to us before they even speak, and make sure that we never stop listening to them, in order to make their story about us, we could all benefit. We might even start having pockets of people who feel heard and feel that they can now hear others. Eventually, we might even have a generation of young people who are better listeners, better communicators and better people.
Change...the little things...like making the bed!
I work with a lot of kids and families and all of them bring up the same thing; the need for change.
“He won’t do his chores.”“She won’t listen.”“They just walk away. What am I supposes to do.”“She’s throwing away her future.”“He doesn’t listen to me.”“I can’t live like this anymore. It’s killing me.”
While all of these are criticisms and complaints, if you listen to what they mean instead of what is actually said, you realize that they are calls to change. To parents, they are demands for respect, but to kids that seem like demands to change. And change causes conflict; both internal and external. Change also creates a loss and loss always come with grief.
Unfortunately, most people generalize these calls and criticisms as meaning that they need to massively change who they are as people; that they are all bad and, in most cases, only loved conditionally. The criticism may start off as a mole hill, but is emotionally transformed into a mountain; one that they cannot see themselves climbing or even wanting to attempt to climb. But what if we break it down into the little things.
For years, I have not made my bed. My apologies to the OCD amongst you. It seemed like a pointless thing to do as I was just going to get back in it later that day. To my wife, however, it was less pointless.
Like all couples, her and I see the world very differently. Neither of us are bad people, but we are very different.
About six months ago, due to some rather difficult issues that I was facing, I felt that I had to change who I was in order to be accepted. Acceptance for who I wasn’t seemed antithetical to who I have always been. So, I started to look at change as a function of my deep and unwavering love for her. Oddly enough, the first thing that I had to do was accept that she loved me for who I was, but that there were things that I did, things that I am, that are difficult for her to deal with. I am not bad, just different from her in difficult ways.
So I started making the bed; every day. It was a small thing and only took a few minutes a day. To her, though, it made a huge difference. It meant that she mattered to me enough that I was willing to make a change; a small change, but one that only mattered to her.
Due to this one simple act, the mountain again became a mole hill. She looked at this small, simple act as a sign that I appreciated what mattered to her. In return, she has made some changes that seem small, but were indeed huge for me. And the relationship grew as a result of very small changes on both our parts.
So, are you willing to work to change small things to make a huge difference? I was and I am. Hopefully, the kids that I care for and the families that I work with can start to see change as a series of doing little things differently in order to make huge differences in their lives. Sometimes, you just need to make the bed. Really though, it’s just a matter of listening, really listening to what loved ones mean, and that makes all the difference. We don’t have to change who we are, but we do need to grow, adapt and listen. Hopefully, when we do, we can make some small changes that remind our loved ones that they really matter to us...by doing something different like making the bed. I’m still me and she’s still her, but the bed is made and we remind each other that we matter to each other; every day.
I am a husband, a brother, a son and also a father to three amazing girls. But none of that qualifies me to speak on other people’s issues or beliefs in such a way as to lead anyone to believe that they must see the world through my lens. While I can come across this way at times, passionate people, who are also stubborn and effusive, tend to be seen as opinionated and demanding. Yet no one is forced to agree or even read...but that doesn’t mean that I have nothing to say. I hope all will keep that in mind if you choose to keep reading.
I have now worked for 20 years with at risk kids. I work with kids who are typically from the lower end of the economic spectrum and who’ve struggled to fit in or even comply at times. In that 20 years, I’ve worked with roughly an equal amount of boys and girls and they haven’t changed all that much in that time. What has changed is the messages that are directed towards them based on their gender. When I began, we tended to love our sons and raise our daughters. “Boys will be boys” and “girls must know their place and role and never be seen as difficult or, heaven forbid, bitchy.” Having three daughters, I can tell you that the message needed editing; thoughtful and careful editing.
Sadly, the messaging has been edited ad nauseam and with little regard for how the new messages would be perceived by the most vulnerable.
Masculinity became toxic and something that everyone got to weigh in on as to how it could be lost.
Meanwhile, femininity became something that girls were allowed and even expected to define for themselves; as long as empowerment was a part of the definition. I am thankful for this as my girls have options that seem limitless and unbelievable.
But as a result, the boys that I work with are truly struggling. They tend to be timid, insecure, risk and conflict avoidant and, in many cases, defeated. Every one of them is struggling to know how to become a man and has far too much experience with being told that they, for one reason or another, simply aren’t enough or good enough to be a man. Well, they got the message.
Meanwhile, the girls that I work with tend to be bolder, more risk oriented, sometimes fearless and often aggressive; much like the boys of yesteryear. They got the message too.
Boys in the back seat, because girls deserve to be in the front. Never mind that there are plenty of front seats available.
As a father of three girls, I am thrilled that the shackles of days gone by have been removed. As a man that works to help boys to become men, I’ve never been more concerned for their futures.
So I teach and persist in helping the kids I work with to be more comfortable with themselves and less at risk.
I try to show them masculinity that isn’t toxic. For me, masculinity is about protecting those that need it most and those that I am fortunate enough to love. The first thing I protected my children from was the lies that some fathers tell. I chose to be honest because my masculinity demands that my children be able to trust me. In addition, sometimes I protect loved ones from being hurt by others and sometimes I protect them from my negative emotions and my pain; not because they can’t handle it, but because they shouldn’t have to. I tend to protect my loved ones most from my hurt, my sadness and my struggle with what I cannot control. I don’t spend as much energy protecting them from my anger as allowing myself to be ok with anger serves to remind them that I can protect them from the scariest and worst people that may try to hurt them. Sometimes my drive to protect them serves to limit their ability to see my most human characteristics but it also insures that, whenever possible, they don’t have to worry about me or about protecting me.
I also try to celebrate the femininity that is most healing. The nurturing and selfless giving by strong women to meet the needs of others. Moms.
If I am honest,
Do these jeans make me look...
With daughters and working with young people, I have a fair amount of experience with the negative side effects of body image issues; particularly in girls.
While the shaming conversation on a grand scale is progress, I think all parents, especially moms with daughters and dads with sons, could help a lot by getting their body language in check while shopping. Sideways glances, sighs, chuckles and frowns have a lasting impact. And for the love of all things Holy, please stop preemptively worrying about how others, including family and friends, MIGHT react or respond to THOSE jeans because they’re a size bigger (for girls) or a size smaller (for boys) than some insensitive relative’s expectation for them. That’s your and your circle of adults’ issue and not your child’s. You can be honest while being gracious, supportive and caring. They wear the size they wear. It’ll matter less to them if it matters less to you.
I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin.
Every kid I’ve ever known is a little more sensitive than they let on when it comes to the opinions of their parents. They work hard to make it seem that they don’t care...but they are paying attention and do care. I wish adults would recognize that and act accordingly...especially when shopping with a kid who is naturally struggling with how the world sees and judges them.
First and foremost, this isn’t for “alpha males” or “dudebros”. This is about why masculinity and weakness make a conflicted pairing.
Men and those who take comfort in living on the masculine end of the spectrum have long struggled with “signs of weakness.” This is the label attached to all the actions, characteristics, feelings and circumstances that cause us to feel like less. To be vulnerable. To be weak. The “signs of weakness” serve to remind us to “man up” or to push through the pain and set weakness aside. To get back to being what others need.
But why?
Simple, really.
First, and foremost, weakness causes those around us to treat us differently - not badly, but differently. Instead of relying on us, loved ones try to prevent anything that might highlight our new weakness or embarrass us in some way. Not bad, but definitely different.
Secondly, as a man, I partially (mostly) define myself by masculine characteristics. The ability to provide for the people that I choose to love and the ability to physically and emotionally protect those same people. Weakness diminishes that ability and causes those that are used to the provision and the protection to have to alter how they live. They have to work hard to provide in my absence and feel less protected at the same time. This creates tension; even resentment.
I realize that some will hate this explanation and some will say that this is why they are committed to ending what they label as “toxic masculinity”. I hate calculus but it’s still math and still holds true; despite my feelings.
So, this Christmas, take a moment to appreciate those that work to provide and protect. They aren’t always as strong as they seem, but they’re always working to be strong for you. That’s the job.
There is such a thing as “toxic masculinity” but providing and protecting ain’t that. Toxic is for alpha males and dudebros. Masculinity is for husbands and fathers and brothers and men of honor and faith.
Merry Christmas to all the men that provide and protect. You are appreciated...even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Raising Kids with Boundaries When raising kids, boundaries are critical. Not just talking about boundaries, but living out our boundaries. If we want kids to always work hard, we have to show them that we are willing to work hard. By the same token, if we want them to put their phones aside during dinner, sometimes we have to show them that we are willing to do the same.
This permeates every area of their lives. If we’re late to things, our kids grow up tolerant of their own inability to be on time; because we showed them that boundary (or lack of a boundary). As parents, we have to think about our boundaries and how we live the, as well as how we talk about them. Life is much easier when how we live our boundaries and what we say about our boundaries, actually match.
Structure, cleanliness and emotional calm make the weather for their experiences at home. Chaos rarely breeds comfort and kids “learn” to be either calm or anxious in the calm; and they learn it from their environment growing up.
As parents, our job is to create the structure that allows kids to develop with as little stress as possible for them.
The first step is routines. Kids need them and adults, particularly parents, need to work to establish routines that are predictable and consistent.
Secondly, kids need to know the expectations that will allow them to succeed; both in school and at home. It is our job as parents to communicate these expectations. Consequences for not meeting expectations and rewards for working to meet expectation.
Lastly, the environment needs to be conducive to the expectations. Calm, clean, smelling good and orderly are all soothing to kids and to adults. We must work to establish a positive environment for kids that supports their success.
The harder you are to communicate with as a parent (or boss) the more passive aggressive your kids (employees) get.
I believe that most parents and bosses are familiar with passive aggressive behavior. Kids or employees that do what they’re told but not what you wanted. For kids, this is often manifested by doing chores very slowly or being literal with your requests.
I remember when we told a particularly passive aggressive child to “clean out the refrigerator”. He said he didn’t understand and we responded with, “just clean it out!” Next thing we knew, he was sweeping all of the food, condiments and leftovers into a trash can. He did what we asked, but not what we wanted.
Similarly, I recently read about a mom who collects all tablets and phones every night for all of her kids; even the kids in high school. While I can understand her thought process, I wandered if trust was something that she ever intended to teach. But the kids got together and figured out how to be passive aggressive; they set multiple, repeating alarms on all of the devices and then happily turned them in. Throughout the night, alarms made sleep for mom impossible. They did what she asked, but not what she wanted.
This behavior is a byproduct of controlling authority figures. If there’s no “wiggle room” and not room to negotiate, kids start to look for ways to “control you back”. They have a lot of time to think about it and, as parents, we don’t always plan for it.
My advice is to start early with trust and reward the trust when kids honor it. Ask yourself, “why do I provide a phone for them?” If you aren’t sure, then neither are they.
I provide a phone for my kids so that I can communicate with them. Texts, calls and even emails fly back and forth. This is the value to me for the phone. The value to them is that they can communicate with people that aren’t me and do social media stuff and play games. Communicating with each other is the overlap in benefits.
I am not a fan of being ignored. As a result, I answer my kids call unless I’m in a meeting that requires me not to interrupt or in a movie. If I can answer, I do. By doing this, I am showing them how I want to be treated by treating them the same way.
I know that they occasionally get on their phones when they should be sleeping but so do I.
I am looking to strengthen the relationship as opposed to controlling it. As a result, my kids aren’t terribly passive aggressive with me.
At The Ranches Holidays can be hard for kids. While not every kid has grief and loss to deal with, every kid that does have a significant loss, struggles during the holidays with the memory of better times; times that included the person that they lost.
At The Ranches, the holidays can be a difficult and tumultuous time as kids wish for what isn’t and want for what cannot be.
Our goal, during the difficult holiday season, is to create a few new and valuable memories while being a little more patient with kids whose memories remind them of their feelings of losing what was valuable and grieving the loss during this season.
Adults are really just big kids and the same concept applies to adults that remember a better time and love of someone lost during the holidays. Certain songs can remind us of similar times with loved ones while certain smells, like fireplaces and pine, can trigger our most powerful memories and take us right back to our grief and right back to the traumatic feelings that accompany loss.
My advice to adults is similar to my advice to kids: Get out there, despite how difficult it is, and make some memories that can compliment your previous memories and, with a little luck, dilute the grief just a bit.
Third in a three part series on politics. As parents the politics of our family really dictates a lot of the politics our kids believe going forward.
Second podcast in a three part series about talking to our kids about politics. What kids actually take away from adults when it comes to politics. A lot of times what kids take away from us is the reactions we don't think they see.
Our goal is to help people talk about politics with their kids because kids today are learning a lot by a conversation they're not even involved in.
Mean Girls The Mean Girl behavior used to start in middle school but now it is starting in 2nd and 3rd grade.
Back to School
As we transition from summer to the new school year, it’s important to recognize that some kids handle the change better than others. Also, some kids enjoy the seclusion of summer while some relish the idea of more social contact.
Eye Contact Younger Kids
For younger kids, eye contact is critical and has to be taught. I went as far as going forehead to forehead with my kids for important points - Discipline and Praise. - Heath Kull
Pain vs. Obedience, Respect and Performance
Sometimes, as parents, we tend to focus on obedience, respect and performance of our children. While those things are important, we shouldn’t be so focus on them that we become blind to the pain that are kids are experiencing.
Parents tend to believe that if their kids loved them, they’d obey, respect and do as told. Kids tend to believe that, if their parents loved them, the relationship and the child’s struggles would be more important than obedience, respect and performance.
This same concept applied to moods.
Triangulation
Triangulation is exactly as it sounds. If you picture a triangle and you are at one of the points and your child at another, whoever or whatever is at the third point is the subject of the triangulation.
Could be parents or step parents Could be teachers Could be friends Could be issues Could be grandparents Could be siblings
Cooking with Kids Cooking is a great way to show kids that you like them and you like spending time with them while investing in theirs skillset. Find recipes until they have a favorite. Then have them make it for the family.
You can love kids til the cows come home, but sometimes they’d rather have someone who likes them and wants to spend time with them than someone who loves them.
Forgiveness vs Gratitude Instead of getting stuck in an endless “sorry” loops, try replacing “sorry” with “thank you”. For example. Instead of saying “sorry I am late”, try “thank you for being patient and waiting for me.”
Any change will cause loss and will be reacted to. Stick with it.
Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches)
Well, it’s prom season. For the kids at The Ranches, we don’t typically have a prom, but we do have opportunities to take them to events where dressing up and using our manners is important.
Recently, we had a chance to take some kids to the Governor’s Ball presented by the Rotary del Sol club. While it sounds exciting, it can be intimidating and a little scary for the adults that are asked to attend and represent The Ranches. We also took it a step further by taking several of the kids to the ball. While the ball was exciting, the shopping was where the relationship was built.
Taking kids, girls for my wife and boys for me, to get an outfit is a true highlight. While the kids at The Ranches struggle with dressing up and often don’t feel like they “deserve” the opportunity, many adults feel the same way. With that in mind, we headed to the mall to find outfits.
Finding a suit and shoes and tie took a little bit, but the results were more than worth it. Seeing young men emerge from the dressing room with a nervous look and then seeing that look replaced when they see themselves in a full length mirror is truly humbling.
We talk about self-esteem all of the time, but these moments show us that our efforts to build self esteem, and to "Rekindle Hope," were not wasted.
Faith
Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches)
Faith is complicated for adults and can be for kids as well. I grew up in the church and have always had a foundation in faith. But as I grew older, I had to take a look for myself at what I had always accepted about God and faith.
Starting out, I learned the very best parts of the Bible and of Jesus. Oddly enough, at about 13, I started to have some questions and some struggles about what I had always accepted. As I searched for answers, I was fortunate enough to have some people in my life that helped me to walk through my struggles, my doubts and, most importantly, my questions.
What I learned was that my struggle was the church and not so much with Christ. As my wife is fond of saying, “We are not called to “act” like Christians, we are called to act like Christ.” Wise words.
In truth, the church and Christians aren’t perfect. And neither are we. As parents, we have to teach our kids to seek their own answers, but we must also be willing to be a part of their journey. All too often, we “outsource” our children’s struggles and questions to others and to the church. It is much more effective to have the discussion with them ourselves. It will build the relationship and help the child on their quest to resolve their own faith.
Politics
Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches)
In today’s world, it is hard to avoid politics. With the current level of contention in the political world, and the ever increasing volume of young people making political stands, politics is harder than ever to avoid. Our current generation of young people have been raises to believe that their feelings and their opinions are valid and that they have influence over the adult in their life. They’re not wrong: young people have more influence than ever before.
While it is an attractive option to just make a “no politics” rule in our homes, this rule doesn’t apply to everywhere else the they go. School, church, social media and TV are all actively influencing our kids and helping to shape their opinions. That’s a whole lot easier when we back away and choose not to be a part of THEIR conversation.
While I have my own opinions and beliefs, this isn’t the place. I am just encouraging parents to embrace their own influence in their child’s life. Anything that we choose not to talk about with our kids becomes something that we are encouraging them to talk to others about. We can’t abdicate our role in our kids lives and then complain about those that chose to fill the void that we left.
So, how do we engage our kids about politics? We have to choose to be honest and know where we stand. For me, I try and take a hard look at the position opposite of mine so that I can present both side to my kids. I then explain where I fall on the subject. Once I’ve done that, I encourage them to do their own research and then come back to me so that we can discuss it. I also give them permission to disagree with me.
I have found that I can also use politics as an opportunity to take a look at the Biblical references to the subjects I am discussing, If I’m being honest, my kids have influenced my opinion on things as much as I’ve influenced theirs.
Forgiveness Forgiveness is tricky. Every person I know handles and thinks about forgiveness differently. For some, going back to normal and disassociating from feelings altogether is their form of forgiveness, while others have to work through the issue verbally (sometimes several times) in order to “let go” of the feelings of being harmed. At the end of the day, forgiveness is difficult because we naturally want to protect ourselves from being hurt and from feeling like a fool. For “little things”, this can be simple. For bigger things, like failures of trust, it can be a whole lot harder and complicated.
For me, I struggle with forgiveness when the the person that hurts me is one that I care about and that I don’t want to end the relationship with. Unfortunately, the fastest way to end a relationship is to fail to forgive. I, along with many others, mistakenly believe that if I hold onto my hurt and keep my guard up and don’t allow myself to fully trust the other person, it will keep me from being hurt again. This isn’t true, but it is hard to change the thought process. I struggle with it regularly.
For me, failure to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It just hurts me, and I still do it at times.
Forgiveness, in many cases, requires some boundaries and limits to be placed around the relationship. If the person you are attempting to forgive has no desire or plan of action for change, and no desire to be vulnerable to you to support and hold them accountable for that change, forgiveness can usually only come by ending the relationship. This way, you can “let go” without fear of a repeat. If the other person allows the relationship to take responsibility (both parties) for changing the behaviors and thought processes, forgiveness can occur as a team effort and relationship strength building exercise. Both parties must be willing though...and committed.
For the sake of this podcast, we will be defining family culture as “the way things are done around here.”
Every family has a culture and that culture is different than any other family culture; even if there are similarities between families...especially within the same larger family. Some components of the family culture are how traditions are handled, church, eating, hobbies, activities, food, etc.
Traditions are important in a family as they make milestones, such as birthdays, anniversaries and celebrations, consistent and valuable. Some families have Sunday dinner together, some go out to eat for birthdays, still others watch the Super Bowl together. (Gary watches soccer...so theres that)
Church attendance can be a part of family culture and defines faith thought processes. Some go every week and some go at Christmas and Easter.
Food is a part of most all cultures and family cultures are no different. Dishes that are favorites or special desserts all are a part of the family culture.
Hobbies also help to define the culture. Hiking or cooking together or TV shows are all a part of the family culture and are important to those in the family.
Lastly, decision making is a part of the family culture. Some families make decisions as a group while others rely on the parents and the kids just accept the decisions. Even within the decision making process, Mom or Dad may be the “final” decision maker. Kids learn how this works very early and come to rely on it. Changing the rules can create problems. In single parent homes, this is particularly difficult if the parent involves the children as they start thinking that the family is a democracy.
In addition, a new step parent or even a new boyfriend or girlfriend can disrupt the culture of the family and have a big impact on the kids.
While family culture is important, we aren’t here to judge or criticize the culture of other peoples families. We do, however, need to talk about it at times. Kids do well when they are able to discuss it and understand it. In a lot of families, “that’s just the way it is” becomes the only statement made about culture. It is more effective to discuss it though and to help kids to understand why it is the way that it is.
Example: Cop family - the parent that isn’t a cop may have to make more decisions and be more involved as the police officer isn’t able to be a part of things as easily or answer their phone every time a decision needs to be made. This is how the family operates.
As parents, it can be difficult to navigate raising our children in today’s day and age. When I was growing up, a television was considered a luxury and we only had 3 channels (2 if the wind moved the antenna). I get it, I’m old now, but I still remember. My kids have grown up in a very different world. My kids have an almost unlimited amount of content available and it is available on demand and around the clock. In this day and age, how do we as parents, determine what is a “need” and what is a “want”? At its best, it is difficult. At its worst, it is overwhelming.
While I can’t possibly offer a chart or picture that outline what qualifies as a need and what is more of a want, I can offer you, based on our experience at The Ranches, a glimpse of what young people actually need.
The young people that we work with tend to be fairly specific about what they believe they need from the adults in their life.
Someone who will listen without judging and offer advice instead of directives. Someone who loves them at their worst and someone who likes them at their best. Respect for their opinions and perspective, not necessarily agreement. Support with difficulties - such as school. Tools for success (Access to technology) and things I need to get done. Honest feedback. Someone who will stand up for me. Someone who will stand up to me. Someone who can handle anything that they need to talk about. Someone who wants to spend quality time with them…even when they push away.
Welcome to the “Raise Them Up” Podcast presented by The New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranches (The Ranches) We will be discussing young people, parents and the issues that effect both. I am the president of The Ranches and will be joined by my wife Lani (Vice President for Program Services) and Gary White (COO and licensed therapist). Many young people today are struggling to make sense of things and and their parents are struggling, in many cases, right alongside them. We hope to discuss a wide variety of topics with the goal of supporting and encouraging kids and parents.