theTimeVault: Recent Episodes
theTimeVault
The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won’t be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have ____d their fears one too many times and now have to ____ the fact that they can’t ____ it any longer and must get out of his ____.
So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their ___s, the Doctor tries giving the ____less ones a blank look. But they’ve already got one.
After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work.
Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it.
Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience.
Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on.
What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues? Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens?
He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees. There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!
The listeners must relax and believe.
Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct.
You must accept it without question.
You must obey orders.
The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best.
In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion.
You will be glad to agree.
You will question nothing in the TimeVault
There is no such thing as other podcasts!
There are no other podcasts!!
Other podcasts do not exist!!!
THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!
The listeners must relax and believe.
Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct.
You must accept it without question.
You must obey orders.
The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best.
In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion.
You will be glad to agree.
You will question nothing in the TimeVault
There is no such thing as other podcasts!
There are no other podcasts!!
Other podcasts do not exist!!!
THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!
During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron Mask
But we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether you like it or not. Get used to it!
During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron Mask
But we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether you like it or not. Get used to it!
Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad.
Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch. He’s so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call….
Oblivious to all of this, Beckett’s feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won’t do anything for less than ten million!
It looks like he’ll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.
Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad.
Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch. He’s so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call….
Oblivious to all of this, Beckett’s feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won’t do anything for less than ten million!
It looks like he’ll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.
It’s all happening on the moon! Except it isn’t. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you’re ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It’s so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days…..
But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he starts hallucinating Billie Piper. He needs help but no one really appreciates the gravity of the situation until the many love children of Bender and Metal Mickey turn up with a plan to kill everyone on Earth by rotting the teeth of everyone on the moon….
No, I don’t know either. They’ve been hiding behind the breakfast cereals in the store room and i think they’ve having a sugar rush.
It’s all happening on the moon! Except it isn’t. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you’re ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It’s so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days…..
But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he starts hallucinating Billie Piper. He needs help but no one really appreciates the gravity of the situation until the many love children of Bender and Metal Mickey turn up with a plan to kill everyone on Earth by rotting the teeth of everyone on the moon….
No, I don’t know either. They’ve been hiding behind the breakfast cereals in the store room and i think they’ve having a sugar rush.
The man without a face doesn’t have a face but he does have a face and another face.
The woman with an unmentionable job and questionable taste in music has her name and someone else’s name and keeps extra hair by her bed but not by her other bed.
A pair of medium atomic weights have taken to squatting in someone else’s dingy, squalid little flat while they bicker about job satisfaction and look at the most miserable, depressing photographs they can find.
The children’s division of the Oliver Twist Fan Club who want to poke people’s eyes out with umbrellas are just a distraction.
What we’re here to talk about is what happens when the Blank Stare, the Big Hair and the Bickering Pair gather on the staircase to have a big ol’ barney in the middle of the night.
aka ‘Stop Piscine About’
The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis!
A mad mad scientist (that’s a mad scientist who’s then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said he was mad).
The Doctor tries to stop him by doing something educational with a cooking pot while Polly wanders around wearing whelks and mussels trying not to be turned in to a fish, and the boys? Well, they just prance around in tight fitting wetsuits for most of the story – clearly servicing the fetishist fantasies of the costume designer.
There are big hats, big priests, dodgy disguises, dancing fish (which aren’t nearly as entertaining as they sound), a stereotypical Irishman, underwater filming without the water, one of the most clichéd cliff-hangers ever......and did I mention the mad scientist?
A politician with a penchant for gardening who likes chocolate bars and compulsive gigglers is a big man in the ‘underground alternative medicine’ scene.
When he’s not lurking in the cellars of his restaurant chain, he surrounds himself with a lot of card players; his secretary likes playing solitaire while his public relations advisor prefers snap. When Bond turns up and convinces one of them to switch to Happy Families, chaos ensues.
After he has a little quarrel with his unexpected wife because she forgot her mongoose and doesn’t like playing darts, he picks a fight with an army of black russians who chase him all over the place until he gives their magic slave back.
He does this and then his new sex-mad girlfriend goes country dancing in zombie land so that he can shut the local dancing skeleton in a box full of snakes and then saves the day by puncturing Kananga’s over inflated opinion of himself. Pop.
Then he talks to his friend, Felix. Who can fix anything.
Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi’out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn....
A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!!
As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados (looking for a cushy life, no doubt) but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart get fruity with the troops before moving on from late-night mugging to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and finally, to kidnapping.
The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS.
In the end, there can be only…oh no, that’s the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!....oh no, so’s that!
How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can’t speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can’t sew to fight over who gets to watch it in the most spyish way. And although you forget to invite one spy who gatecrashes the wedding and causes the musician to get shot, you flash your most winning smile and everything ends up smelling like roses.
You don’t invite Sharon and Sharon though; they’re too busy testing Uncle Dave’s suspension by banging away in the back of his new car. Ed can’t go because he’s getting all greased up with The Bimbo’s From Hell. Ros can’t go because she’s taken up plumbing and is having to sort out the mistakes made by the new girls when they put in some taps. Beckett might be able to make it. It all depends if he gets to ask a very VERY important question at exactly the right time.
Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking. Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers. Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power. Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power. Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull. The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of the Dark Side.
All powers everywhere…yes, even P-P-P-Puppy Power….pale into insignificance, overpowered you might say, by the Power of the Daleks!!!!
Just remember to turn them off at the wall when you’re not using them.
Tegan’s keen to upgrade her driving licence. She’s already gone from car to ambulance and now she’s making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine’s over-heated and she’s got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she’s not quite at Banksy’s level yet.
The Doctor’s had a nasty fall and he now thinks the TARDIS needs one hell of a clear-out. Unfortunately, he also thinks the best way to do this is to wander the corridors putting on silly voices and taking his clothes off.
This scars Nyssa’s innocent teenage mind and the only way she can cope with things is to build coffins, throw wheelchairs into rivers and have secret meetings with her boyfriend in strange hotel rooms.
The Master hopes they can all get past these problems because he’s reserved a table for them at his new cliff-top restaurant. There’s only one thing on the menu, a plan sandwich; a steak of the biggest, nastiest, most evil plan ever devised wrapped between two slices of lightly smoked plan. And if that wasn’t evil enough, he’s only gone and stuck a stick of celery on top.
Bastard.
Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend’s not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she’s moved in and your jealous butler’s tried to start a bitch fight.
You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your friends creep in while you’re asleep and cut your arm off. Out of sympathy a three-armed woman from another dimension cuts off one of hers and you try to seduce her by pretending to be yourself. Doesn’t work.
It’s going to be one of those days
Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn’t go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck.
Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far more adept at the whole ‘trapped in a box’ thing than you ever could be. He’s a masochistic voyeur who doesn’t like to peep, She’s pillow phobic and talks to walls and their son is a creepy, badly dressed weirdo who hears voices and has THE worst handshake.
But you’ve been brought up to be polite so you ignore the family pet (which appears to be a butcher’s off-cut that lives in the skirting board) and sit down to dinner.
Just don’t eat the lamb. You don’t want to know where it’s been.
Ros is flying high with success and joins the mile spy club; she gets a private plane AND she gets to go in the cockpit. She does have to wear a ridiculous pair of glasses to watch the in-flight movie though. It’s the Twilight Zone and there’s this freaky little thing on the wing of the plane….
Beckett’s fortunes take a bit of a dive, he’s all pumped about getting involved in off-shore banking but his business partner leaves him all at sea when he jumps ship and decides to get stoned. Fortunately he has a sweet tooth and dies from a heart attack brought on by a dodgy pop-tart.
Ed plays with a mouse in a windmill. ahhh
Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair)
An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to.
A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite number of boxes or take part in the most boring planet-wide game of Battleships ever attempted.
A Pixie Princess from Planet Peace, like any teenager, has mood swings. Give her some gaudy bit of tat and tell her you’re her dead dad, she’ll kill her mates quick as you like.
An evil ringmaster goes to a lot of effort so that he can make a prank call to every answer machine in the universe…at the same time.
And the Doctor’s trying to drown himself, shrink himself, get arrested…basically anything to avoid having to go on the roof and fix the tv ariel so that the creepy dude in white with no mouth can stop staring at him and watch something else instead.
It’s distracting, he needs to be careful. The last thing he wants to do is fall o….oh.
What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine?
You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencies jobs for them without getting paid.
Bunch of amateurs.
Welcome to Traken the happiest, most harmonious place in all of N-space.
You’ve come at a bit of a bad time. Great Grandpappy Traken, King of Happiness, fell off his chair and died. Daddy Traken was supposed to take over as King but Mummy Traken hadn’t had her wedding night so she murdered Clever Uncle Traken and blamed it on Daddy. Old Auntie Traken, told Mummy to be King but Mummy was Maaaaaaddddddd. Madder than an ostrich on a ski-lift. She started wearing a fetish collar and put a moss-covered, bird poo-encrusted statue called Mouldy on the throne before locking it in a glass box.
Daddy Traken was in prison along with Weird Wedding Guest And His Son. But everyone forgot about his daughter, Naughty Princess Traken. She and Weird Wedding Guest And His Son's Son recently ‘experimented’ using special equipment in Daddy’s draw and she wanted more. She bribed, she shot, she jailbroke and then she went on the lam with her new boyfriend to wilfully sabotage civilisation as we know it.
Daddy Traken and Weird Wedding Guest watched Mummy Traken vanish to death and they set fire to the mouldy old statue forcing Stupid Uncle Traken (who didn’t know what was going on) to be King of Happiness.
Weird Wedding Guest And His Son left. But not before Weird Wedding Guest And His Son’s Son dumped Bad Pixie Princess Traken. She returned home only to find Daddy Traken had decided to get the master of all face-lifts and go on a joyride, leaving her to clean up…well…let’s be honest, HER mess.
So it’s all been a bit of a hugger-mugger really. Still, hope you enjoy your stay and make sure you’re gone before the two weeks are up. No seriously, two weeks is all you’ve got here.
A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger’s eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child….
They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn’t know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world!
The prediction goes: On December 31st, 2020. A Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal, activating the entire Jagger clan; Having been strategically placed around the world, as one they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and walk like a chicken in such a way that no one will be able to resist their power. As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them the World’s population will be turned into Jagger clones. They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones. A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies, Peter Toshs and The Jacksons, (for authentic cloned collaboration purposes) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack. Forever.
All Hail The Mighty Jagger!
Or we could just be taking the mick.
How many Emohawks does it take to change an alert bulb?
That and a whole Legion of questions will not be asked in this edition of TimeVault. Instead you have to spend the whole time looking for a Red Dwarf because somebody’s lost one. But remember, when the Psiren sounds it means you’re Out of Time.
So you may prefer to spend your time watching Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls instead.
We’d love to do a commentary on THAT!
In this tharilling adventure, Adric’s lion about doing not very much at all, K-9’s got a bad case of time wind, and the Doctor’s hoping that the latest TARDIS faults haven’t made the warranty void.
Romana’s not letting any of that bother her though, she’s found a nice empty little room with a comfy chair, some old photos and a pair of headphones and she’s well happy (probably listening to the White album).
The lost electricians aren’t happy; the locals are refusing to give them directions. They haven’t made a good impression because their health and safety standards when it comes to the wiring is enough to make your hair stand on end.
The locals aren’t happy because they were really hoping the maid was going to turn up this morning; they’ve found a bit of dust in the dining room.
Biroc’s the mane man and he’s not happy because he’s had a bit of a roar deal. He used to have a thriving empire and now all he’s got is a mirror that tells him he needs a shave. He’s impatient to have his old life back, you see he just can’t wait to be king.
and that’s it…i’ve run out of lion jokes. You wouldn’t get any better ones even if you pride them out of me.
E-Space is well known for having the worst dental care of all the alphabet, so it’s no surprise that their state of decay has driven the Great Gumpire to set up a new clinic on ye olde fashionee world. He has a two point plan that seems a bit batty; he doesn’t use anaesthetic, just good old fashioned hypnotism, which isn’t in the least bit suspicious or kind of groomy. But fangs ain’t what they used to be and you do what you must.
What you mustn’t do is eat the food. The state sanctioned menu consists of a single plate of sad looking salami slices and one bowl of hard to steal soup, it’s not good for your oral hygiene. The castle does have a well stocked cellar though, plenty of barrels of red.
Not everyone’s receptive to all this dentistry though, all the old folk have hidden in the forest to start a beard farm in protest. But that could be because the Great Gumpire’s dental plan is only available to the young….
…boys.
But there aren’t any women on this planet so, like i said, you do what you must.
Shame he didn’t get stuck in F-space.
It’s a lovely day, the sun is shining, birds are singing, rivers are boiling and swamps are bubbling. The perfect day for angry men to gather river fruits, for enthusiastic men to wash plums (before they’re roasted), for rebellious teenagers to grab someone's juicy melons and for young boys to be chased through the woods by older men (not for the last time, either).
And then after a tiring day, lock everyone indoors and spend the next 10 years changing all the batteries in the house.
After dinner, Spider-woman breaks in through the back door and starts shaking a dead dog’s head on a stick at people, so the three most incorrectly named men in E-Space seek inspiration by turning the telly on to the Cartoon Network to watch Dexeter’s Laboratory. It’s that classic episode where Dexeter cuts into a child’s brain and causes it to go on a violent rampage before strangling Dexeter and then electrocuting itself. You remember that one.
Not quite sure how it’s going to help, but you never know.
Choose trains. Choose no actual trains. Choose candles. Choose an elderly arsonist. Choose magically refilling flower pots, trip wires, stroppy ghosts and layers of dust. Choose an empty hotel, seances and barbed wire doors.
Choose a submarine. Choose role-play with a pretty woman. Choose arguments with a heartless bastard. Choose a face full of mincemeat. Choose a one-eyed cat and mouldy sandwiches.
Choose banging away on a piece of junk outside in the dark while singing a really old song to a malevolent creeping blackness and wondering what the f*** you are doing starting a band in the middle of the night with an unsettlingly enthusiastic stranger who has complete disregard for you and anyone you have-will-could know.
Choose tension, and more tension, and even more tension. Choose not to eat the mouldy sandwiches. Choose your future. But only your future. Choose not to choose someone else’s future. And the explanations? There are no explanations. Who needs explanations when you’re medium atomic weights?
Now, don’t get tetchy but there’s still a few things you need to do first. Are you wearing a red and white gingham dress with army boots? Have you eaten an edible Pot Noodle? Have you given pleasure to the World for having a great arse? Good, did you get a couple of handmaidens to ritualistically oil your nipples? Okay, well, as you’ve only achieved exactly four percent of the list, you may now step into the elevator, shout ‘Geronimo’ and push the button for Sexual Recreation. Just remember your manners.
Because if you don’t, Mr Flibble will get very cross….
It’s not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know.
The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon’s already been copyrighted. The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there’s a Gaztak mercenary swinging on the Trapezoid and the Dodecahedron just shrank. The only one left is the Icosahedron.
But that would just be silly.
The Tigellans might be able to sort it out but they’re stuck in a power triangle, Romana’s walking in circles and K-9’s just in general bad shape.
Speaking of bad shape, the Doctor’s not very well. He’s looking a bit green, he’s coming out in a rash, he’s recovering from Chronic Hysteresis, someone keeps trying to steal his coat….oh, and i think he may have just sat on a cactus. Ouch.
Leave your homework for a moment kid, there’s a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer. There’s a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your stuff. I’d go and get your parents if I were you, they’re in the cellar playing with your mum’s new turntable. It’s really put a smile on her face.
….second thoughts, DON’T get your parents. Sort it out yourself. But before you do can you please STOP THOSE BLOODY CLOCKS. It’s getting so a malevolent, extra-dimensional force can’t hear itself think.
The Doctor and Romana have decided they need a bit of leisure time but everywhere’s booked solid and their last resort is the one remaining building in a war-torn wasteland (no dogs). Chucking K-9 in the sea, they go on holiday.
Unfortunately, this particular holiday camp isn’t exactly a hive of activity; the staff keep dying of old age, the new owner hates people and has just bought a brand new 3D printer, which he hopes will help him make new friends, the new owner’s mum’s best friend has built a ‘make me young’ machine and there’s an army of giant frogs in fancy dress wandering around the place trying to buy everything.
The new owner doesn’t care because he’s just got himself a brand new hat and he wants to show it off to the galaxy. The Doctor’s tired of it all so he has a go in the ‘make me young’ machine’ unluckily for him, Romana’s been fiddling with it and plugged the cables in the wrong holes and before you know it, the Doctor suddenly finds he’s in his 80’s.
They’ll probably need a holiday after this.
During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one. He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island. Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek food gives him a sore throat). The locals can’t seem to get rid of them and the takeaway delivery boys keep getting lost in the maze of narrow streets. But then a show-jumper and a clown turn up with a pet dog that likes biting people in the bulls and things just go from bad to worse.
The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch.
Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he’ll get in the car. So off they go.
Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he’s been kidnapped, by his Granddad so he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who’ve just arrived in a car they er, borrowed from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods.
Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he’s shacked up with who’s only after him for everything. The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad’s lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend’s very large family (who just happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking.
That’s the last time they’ll get together for a family reunion.
A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental.
The Doctor’s having none of it, though. He’s far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds like a 1970’s prog rock group).
After all that, the Doctor decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose.
Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who’s going to walk home.
Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take her home. Coming back in the wee small hours, they find that their hyperactive kids have completely trashed the place!
Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance!
The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in somethingth century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. they go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap’n Hook’s evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and Ben get thrown in jail from where they promptly escape (because of witches) hide in a crypt and beat up a policeman.
The Doctor escapes from Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s mad ancestor, finds his gender confused companions and tells the policeman to sod off. He then walks straight to where the treasure’s hidden and waits for Cap’n Pugwash’s slimmer twin to double-cross some corrupt Cornish smugglers. Then he waits some more while all the pirates, barkeeps and assorted salty sea dogs kill each other over it.
With their swash’s firmly buckled, the Doctor, Ben and Polly, who is now firmly resolute as to her femininity, go for a walk along the beach, probably stuffing their faces with Cornwall’s most famous export....
Yo Ho Ho and a Pastie
An uptight scotsman, travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; The landlord’s daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he’s got is a cherry and he doesn’t want to lose that. So they show him round the island instead.
He thinks their idea of healthy living is just bananas, but he joins in their may-day festival where the punch makes him act like a fool and run off into the caves with a young girl. He joins in their barbecue where they all gather round the camp fire for a sing-song and present him with a leaving present of a huge fruit basket.
All in all, quite a pleasant holiday. Until he finds out there’s no fruit, then he gets bit hot tempered.
or Curly Chops and The Crack Muppets
A cruise ship captain who’s clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that’s the least of their worries…
There’s a drug problem running wild on the ship. It’s high time somebody smoked out the culprits but the passengers are too busy forming lines to be of any help.
Glitter and Sparkles (the dopey on-board entertainers) take charge by giving all the staff handguns and talking smack about the heroine. Then they hide in the toilet while Mr and Mrs Mandrel get the munchies and gorge themselves on baked potatoes.
The hero meanwhile has brought a sniffer dog but all it finds is a giant hairy monster in the skirting board and, if that wasn’t bad enough, someones weed in the corridors.
What a nightmare
Put on a pair of comfortable shoes, take the battery out of your clock, sit on the floor where your sofa used to be and throw some jelly around the room. Oh and you might need a hard-hat, we’re about to go plot-holing.
Yep, it’s time to talk about the Doctor Who adventure that’s so exciting, it doesn’t even get a name.
Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex…well two out of four’s not bad I suppose.
Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he’s booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it’s been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie’s is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Him turn up looking for Vern’s hidden valuables, there’s only one thing Tarrant and Servelan can do. Go to bed.
Meanwhile….back at the office.
After a very long argument about who tracked mud on to the meeting room carpet, the staff of Scorpio Inc. decide to have a Tarrant-free movie marathon; starting with The Italian Job, moving on to Star Trek IV and finishing with Carry On Again Doctor. Dayna’s impression of Jim Dale on a hospital trolley will be the talk of office parties for years.
The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump her in a field somewhere in the countryside before he challenges a fruit and veg hating remote control tank to an outdoor wrestling match (He’s got the cape but thank god he doesn’t have a pair of glittery underpants).
When a giant envelope-sorting machine persuades people to build another one in the middle of a fireworks factory while they’re half asleep, the Doctor (un)screws with the second one's mind and convinces it to go and kill it’s daddy.
None of the other machines get finished because a vital elastic band shipment never arrives. What do you expect when you set your evil empire in the Post Office?
The Doctor leaves and everyone forgets…oh, you know….wotsername….well they forget her anyway.
Good.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden or a man with three heads waiting for a lift; put down the double-polaroid, grab a banana and come with us to WaxWorld where we plan to talk to you about Red Dwarf IV. We can’t promise to be interesting but i’m afraid the only way out is the huge 10lb black-ribbed knobbler in the cupboard.
So, before we begin…
Would anybody like any toast?
Mystic Meg’s cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he’s fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby’s intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who’s not at all happy that she had to leave her face-painting appointment half an hour early.
Her top warrior’s no help because he’s too busy wandering the grounds, dressing in leather and whipping his sprouts for anyone who wants to watch, so she comes up with a-drastic solution…she’ll turn the hole into a fighting pit! first contest, a dog with a gun vs a giant green nacker. Who wouldn’t pay to see that?
Now, I know nobody wants to see THAT! Put it away, it’s not big (well it is actually) and its certainly not clever!
Something’s got them all in a crabby mood.
Could it be the fact that someone’s programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it’s the fact that some random old bloke’s joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant’s beginning to smell faintly of wet blanket. Whatever the reason, playing some games in the Crystals Maze might cheer them up.
Soolin plays a first person shoot-em-up against a state-of-the-art ambidextrous gun, Tarrant has a go on a flight simulator where the object appears to be crashing into things, Vila has to work out what to do with a dead man and someone else’s finger whilst Dayna fails miserably at hide and seek.
I bet this wasn’t in their horoscope. Will you start the bombs please!
Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo’s taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bush, I don’t want to know.
It turns out they’ve arrived on a planet with two lots of people on it. One lot of people are the worst kind of nosey neighbours you could imagine who send Steven and Dodo off to follow a red herring from another show whilst they fail to explain to the Doctor how and why they’ve been spying on him for several years.
This lot of people think they’re the best so they shine torches at the other lot of people until they forget how to paint pictures and shave. Fortunately for the other lot of people a space pilot turns up with a mirror. So everything’s fine.
Once both lots of people have smashed up a nasty bit of kit that makes you do impressions, they want one of the visitors to stay and sort their lives out for them.
So, will it be Steven or will it be Dodo? Which one would you rather see leave?
Don’t get your hopes up.
(deep voice) Danger! Do not attempt to open this podcast the presenters involved are extremely hostile they feed off the Human psyche they seek out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled
you have been warned!
A Fistful of Time Travellers – Doctor Who meets Carry On Cowboy as the time travellers look for a dentist in Westworld.
After materialising in the stables, the Doctor tries to deal with rough, tough gunslingers at the O.K. Corral by calling them ‘my good man’ and ‘young fellow’, Steven demonstrates animal cruelty by strangling a cat in the saloon and Dodo reveals herself to be a concert pianist of Chas n Dave proportions before going on the run with a murderous surgeon and a singing prostitute.
Steven tries to get her back (god knows why) but ends up bound and gagged on the floor of a house in the middle of the desert surrounded by five lonely, dirty cowboys and a trainspotter with a drum kit – only Steven really knows what happened and he’s not saying (what happens in the Wild West, STAYS in the Wild West).
Dodo rides back into town (shame), The doctor gets his tooth sorted out (ahhh or perhaps Arrggghh!), lots of cowboys end up dead in the street (yee haw!) and they depart, not realising that TARDIS is now trailing a steaming load of horse shit through the universe.
They don’t make ‘em like they used to If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it Have you tried turning it off and on again? Cobblers!
All of these sayings are important as we carry on where Lintilla, Lintilla and Lintilla left off, with a bit of sole searching.
Tarrant please start the music Justin please light the lights Now Sleer can raise the curtain on Bucol 2 tonight!
Dayna is putting on make-up Dayna is dressing up right. She's keen to get things started in the secret underground genetic experimentation laboratory tonight.
Avon, meanwhile has decided that he needs to get a-head of the game, he doesn’t want to shoulder all the responsibility but he’s not going to stick his neck out for just any body. Unfortunately the new recruit is up to something that’s got him stumped.
Vila could help but he’s too busy playing hide-and-seek with Orac and the twins, Sue and Lynn.
Funny how you never see them both together….
The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch. It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting. It’s no good asking the Russian chicken breeder who lives in the cellar about it because he’ll die of old age before he understands his own work but perhaps the Italian Countess upstairs can shed light on what happened. Unfortunately she’s experiencing the after-effects of a bad italian. Fortunately, Leonardo DaVinci’s notebook has the perfect remedy for their condition; simply mix the Duggan Punch with a rotten Spaghetti Bolognese to create a Primordial Soup and you’re cured.
Blimey, who said Paris was a relaxing place?
Still, you have to smile. Or maybe you don’t….can’t quite decide.
Mornin’ sir, welcome to Davrust’s Used Carleds. You came just in time sir, only got four left, they’re rollin’ off the forecourt. All from the Dalek range, we got a Shout, a Boom, a Tippytoe and a Nasty. Ignore them ones over there, they... do not move.
Now, I know wha’choor finkin; they’re dented, they’re scratched, the paintwork needs a lot of care and attention, but these travel machines will last forever. First class, home grown, Skaro engineering. I mean you -could- go over the other side of the wasteland and 'ave a goosey at that all-new, fancy Movellan showroom. But really sir, white upholstery? Devil to keep clean, that is and as for them beaded headrests, come off it! Put togevva wiv screws, batteries ain’t powerful, an’ I don’t even know what those pink pointy fings are s'posed to do. Two of their models, the Lan and the Agellan, keep breakin’ daarn! And as for their top-of the-line, new model… wassit called, the er, the er, Sharon? Bits keep fallin’ off it!
Nah, trust your ol’ mate Davrust, sir. These are classics. You take ‘ome a Dalek and it’ll see you to the end of your life. Shake on it sir?
‘uvver ‘and sir
Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone. But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is. Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel. Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere. His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like to blow up federation ships by waving their choppers around.
Awkwaaaard.
Still he manages to steal a ruddy great space engine out from under their implausibly painted noses and does a runner in a ship that’s now so fast it’s invisible. He WILL still stop to pick up hitchhiker’s….just don’t expect him to remember their names.
Welcome to the Annual General Meeting of the Agoraphobic Society. This year’s excursion will be through a magic door we’ve just discovered in the bathroom and there are a few things you’re going to need if you go through.
1 x seasoned onion, large 1 x bowl of cornflakes (wine-soaked) 1 x hard-earned pea 1 x yellow cable 6 x IQ points 3 x future selves
If you have all of those, we’re ready to go. Just a few notes before we set off… Keep a tight hold of your legs, avoid the killer gooseberries, do NOT, under any circumstances, apologise for the chicken….oh, and don't be fooled by the night watchman, he’s just finished reading the junior colour encyclopaedia of space and he’s feeling under-appreciated.
When is science fiction not science fiction?
When it involves unorthodox book behaviour, the best quiz show of all time, loft insulation, spanners for all occasions and somewhere to store tins of paint.
Discuss.
The Doctor and his companions become trapped in the house of a man wearing a kimono who forces them to play games against a honker, a queen and a fat man in shorts.
Whilst Fu Man Chu’s English cousin challenges the Doctor’s hand to a four-week long game of Space Jenga, Steven and Dodo must keep playing lots of games until Dodo learns to listen to the rules. There’s Total Blind Dead Wipeout’, Musical Chairs (without any music) the Pointless Kitchen Shouting Challenge, Strictly Come Dancing Eternity and a bizarre version of hopscotch against the fat man/boy who now appears to be doing an evil Christopher Biggins impression...
To make things more interesting, Steven’s impatient, Dodo’s suicidal and the Doctor’s invisible.
Just like the first three episodes.
Tarrant’s a pilot once more Dayna goes under the floor Avon gets caught in a war Vila just opens a door Soolin’s a very quick draw Cally is sadly no more
Welcome….to series four
Goits, Gits, Gimps and Gimboids of all ages, gather round as we celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Red Dwarf.
A scouse poet, an impressionist with big nostrils, a dancer and a stand up comedian who spends his entire time sitting down, live (and die) in a spaceship while being obscenely rude to each other and not meeting aliens.
So, if you’re a white-hatted ponce, a 6-breasted Quagaar warrior woman, or even if you look something like a roast chicken, then order yourself some blackcurrant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar and reminisce with us about the day that Frankenstein didn’t go to Fiji.
If that made any sense at all, I worry abut you.
The Doctor, Steven and Dodo (unfortunately, this one’s not extinct) land in a jungle on a spaceship. The Human race lives in a draw and some mute, one-eyed ping pong ball swallowers with Beatles hair cuts suffer death by sneezing. The time travellers administer some Lemsip and leave……
Only to return immediately – hundreds of years later – to find the Human race are now slaves and the balls-in-mouth aliens have invented talking jewellery and picked a fight with a planet full of invisible giants while Steven searches for an exploding head. The time travellers free the Human slaves and leave……
Only to return immediately – hundreds of…NOOOooooooooooooooooooooo
The Star Cops see red as Krivenko lets yet another dubious associate run amok on the moon, Colin goes for a drive looking for an all-night chemists and Kenzy proves that there’s an art to policing (when she’s not throwing grenades at baggage handlers).
But Commander Nathan Spring has had enough. He’s fed up with all the untidy bedrooms, fake driving licences, fumbling in the dark, illegal drinking and even a bad case of chicken pox, it feels too much like being a teenager. So he’s decided it’s time for him to SPOF off to MARS: Bringer of Work, Rest and Play. But he hadn’t reckoned on the World’s most gittish museum curator exploding on to the scene.
I think this series is going to go out with a bang.
Anybody need a hand?
A snooty pianist is rather attached to both of his but his father’s murderer is looking to add them to her collection because she’s mistaken them for a different but identical pair of hands that belong to the same man who’s taken her three children to live in a cave on the moon where he plans to melt them and put it on youtube. David doesn’t want Nathan and his Pal to make everything alright because he’s broken one and a couple of spares floating around might come in… wait for it… handy.
Oh yes, and Catweazle travels further into the future, where he comes up against exploding card tables, an Australian in a cupboard, a sexually active Colin Devis and the Tarantino version of Bob The Builder. Riveting stuff.
Under discussion this month: Star Cops gets a second series, 31 years after the first! Tom Baker Is The Fourth Doctor David Bradley Isn’t The First Doctor New Who novelisations! Red Dwarf XII and a stage show?! Mike grumbles about Shada - again. Prepare yourselves for the Return of the Megadonkey...
Following the tragic, harrowing events of the Daleks Masterplan, the time travelling duo need a holiday. A nice, relaxing break in an idyllic locale maybe? Perhaps mixing with friendly locals, and even taking part in the charming traditions of the local festival wouldn’t be a bad idea………
So a 16th Century French BLOODBATH would be just the ticket.
Let’s see, paranoid, suspicious locals? Check.
Filthy streets drowning in disease and vermin? Check.
The threat of death hanging on your every word or action? Check
TARDIS Tours, we know exactly where you want to go……we just won’t get you there.
Forced to go on his hols, SPOF Commander, Nathan Spring is determined not to enjoy himself. After standing up a date, hiding in a cave, stabbing an Italian, insulting a policeman and taking some drugs, he goes back to work. Unfortunately for him, Kenzie’s job hunting, Theroux’s having a right old grump and Colin’s coated the walls with sweat.
Intimidating a tiny doctor and running into a room full of radioactive waste doesn’t cheer him up so he goes back to earth and relaxes in a sauna, sipping cocktails and slapping the businessman.
Under discussion this month: There is new(ish) Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy coming to the wireless. Are we happy about it and is Douglas Adams being everywhere at the moment a good thing? Red Dwarf co-creator Rob Grant returns with The Quanderhorn Xperimentations. Do we really need another version of Shada? It’s 30 years since the Seventh Doctor first appeared on TV, should we start fearing our own mortality?
and is Philip Segal stealing chips on Eastbourne seafront?
Can you think of a better way to celebrrrrrate the anniverrrrrrsary of a tv show you love than by talking overrrrrr it all the way thrrrrough while pointing out everrrrrrything it’s done wrrrrrong?
No, neitherrrrrr can we! So herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre it is.
Happy Anniverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsary!
Servelan continues her relentless mission to kill all of her enemies’ family members in overly complicated and unlikely situations. This time, she’s after Tarrant’s brother, Tarrant. Now, if she can get him to look like a pornstar, dress like a power ranger, cram everyone into his head and play a deadly game of hide and seek with a badly named shortarse….
Still, while she’s busy with that, Avon is playing his own game of hide and seek, Cally and Tarrant are playing follow the leader, Dayna and Vila are playing who’s oozing, seeping pus is this? and Zen is playing his swan song.
Something’s bugging SPOF’s Commander, Nathan Spring. Could it be the desperate Indian multi-millionaire inventor who likes weird poetry and extreme sales pitches? Could it be the paranoid American, Commander Griffin, who doesn’t like ‘yoo-ro-peens’ or SPOF but does like cigars and sexist chat-up lines? Or perhaps it’s the nosy Russian, Krivenko, who suspiciously wants to be everyone’s best friend?
No, it’s got to be his new best Pal, Kenzy, who forces her way into his life by lying, cheating, gambling, extorting, conniving, smuggling, resigning, interviewing and filing….filing? Well, it must be fun out in space if that’s how you get your kicks.
Whilst Servelan is busy (air quote) entertaining the troops, Tarrant and Dayna have been hired by the Blue Man Group to make an instructional sex tape for a giant, carnivorous brain that’s dressed as a glimmer globe covered in Toblerones.
Wanting nothing at all to do with this, Vila lounges about practicing stand-up comedy. But when his efforts send a sleepy Avon and Cally quite literally out of their minds, he decides to jack it all in and join the Federation. So he travels to a far away planet that can’t be found where his first job is to pick all the dead mice out of the computer.
At least he doesn’t have to clean out the fish tank…
Reach across the stars with Nathan Spring as he takes command of the International Space Police Force (SPOF for short). He didn’t want the job, he wanted to settle down and have a family but since his girlfriend watered his plants all wrong, she had to go.
So now he’s among the stars, having to deal with corrupt cops, a one-man Mad Max tribute act on roller-skates, a sarcastic traffic warden who gets stroppy about other people’s rucksacks, an eight year-long case of fatal space nookie, and a hat that doesn’t fit properly!
With no police station, no staff, cars, guns, truncheons, handcuffs or jail cells, all he’s got to rely on is a movie-quoting electrician and the one item he was allowed to take to the moon….a box.
It’s not even a big box.
Congratulations, you’ve made it all the way to the end, I honestly didn’t think I would - er YOU would, i mean. Now, the last segment is disguised as a posh bird who’s lost her damp flannel. You'll have to argue with your shadow a few times and put up with a cockney git for much too long, but once you've managed that it’ll aallll be over.
Well, maybe not quite. On a planet that isn’t there, you’ll find a very long drawn out game of hide and seek going on, which you mustn’t interfere with! Just start burning the odd dog or two and you're sorted.
Don't worry, the last 26 weeks will all have been worth it. I promise.
Now then, where’s Astra? Astraaaa!…..AstraaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
Okay Huey, take it away, 1…2…3….
The Power of Kroll is a curious thing Make a one man dead, make another turn green Just one part of a powerful whole More than sushi, that's The Power of Kroll
No, the Doctor isn’t wearing purple pants and riding a skateboard but he has got waders, an imaginary flute, a TON of green paint and a plan to stop the biggest monster in the universe by poking it with a stick.
Best take the TARDIS, don't take K-9 You’ll just need Romana to find the key to time It's huge and it's slimy and it smells of swamp And it might just take your life That's The Power of Kroll
Excellent, you're halfway there already, now the fourth segment can be found in—Oh you have? that was quick. Well, I’d better tell you a story about a prince and a princess then…
He is going to marry her, but she isn’t her, she's her it, which only looks like her so he’s actually going to marry her it, only he isn’t because he isn’t him, he’s his it. He is actually being held prisoner next door to her, with both their it’s failing to it it off. When Romana turns up - looking exactly like her and her it - she has to pretend to be her. The actual her, not her it. Which is ironic given that she now has her own it (currently being set fire to by a dog). That’s the point when the it hits the fan.
What's the Doctor up to? He’s having drinkies with royalty and getting completely it-faced.
That’s about it, oh yes! The legendary Taran Wood Beast has a cameo appearance in this one but it’s quite brief; blink and you’ll miss it. No, seriously….blink and miss it, it’s for the best.
Campers are getting their rocks off in the woods, druids are getting stoned in the village hall, companions are enjoying real cliffhangers, old women are hitting monsters with truncheons and upper class over-dressed archaeologists are painting themselves silver and pretending to be a giant crow. But what’s the doctor up to? He’s talking to himself underneath a hairy head AND a hairy hat whilst getting lost in a theoretical absurdity.
So nothing unusual there.
Warning! This story contains flashing lights. They won't harm you, they’re just…..shit.
Servelan’s having a tea party. She hasn’t invited Avon but he’s going anyway; however, he needs a date, and the only woman he’s ever fancied is dead. That doesn't stop him though and he sets out to find her. Although, strangely enough, he can’t get her name right.
While Avon’s busy with that, Vila’s creating an underground art installation and Dayna's dressing like a footballer’s wife and playing a space guitar. But no one cares because yet another Cally lookee-likeee has turned up (is there a planet of these people somewhere?) and she wants to make them all her concubines. . . after they’ve done a little dance.
Obviously.
…Rancid vinegar lampshade! No, er Retro vaulting ladder? Arrgh!
Anyway, erm yes the first key was a bit of green snot, and well done for finding that one by the way, I don't even want to know what you went through to find it. The second key is guarded by a lot of blokes wearing vomit yellow with a tendency to dial their Counselor Troi impressions up to 11. You’ll have to go to an evil fancy dress party on a mountain with a nurse, a pirate and on old queen, but if you can get through that then you need to look for a pebble on a planet that isn’t there.
Good luck. And watch out for bird poo.
Vila quite fancies some leg….maybe a bit of breast. His new friend, Kerril, is desperate for some sausage. Avon’s looking to resupply his stock of devilled ham. And Tarrant thought he’d got prime beef, but he’s actually the scrag end. Again.
Everyone comes to Bayban the Butcher!
Except for Servelan. She’s gone to Ron’s copy place. Our Ron’s ever so good, he’ll do you several copies free of charge. All you have to do is give him a fatal dose of the yellow gunge and he’ll copy as much as you want. Just don't ask for Zelda, she’s a bit thick. Always dresses in a reeeeally tight cagoule and has a jewellery phobia. She’ll probably get fired one of these days. Oh.
Yes, that’s right we have reached The Keys Of Marinus: Extended Edition.
A white haired old man gives the Doctor and his companions no choice but to travel all over the place looking for six lost keys that, when brought together will blah-de-blah-de-blah… But beware! Do not give them to the evil black voord guardian yartek for he will use them for eeeeeeevill.
The first key looks like a giant bogey, it’s in a ramshackle castle full of cossack dancers, Wurzels, floppy dragons and a mad old bat with horns who wails a lot. Good Luck.
Oh, and here’s some help for you. A robot version of scrappy doo, and a hoighty-toity posh bird called….erm…hang on a minute….
Romantical veranda landing, No…um….Rumble…Rumblywomblelumper! No, err…rheumatic veracity lunarcycle?
Rhomboid!, Ramalamarhomboid…erm…von lunchbox! No, that's not it.
Rimble ramble…ermm…I’ll get it, I’ll get it. Just give me about 26 episodes and I’ll remember it. I hope.
When the legendary insane genetically engineered masked swashbuckler known as Zorro loses all his money at the races, his permanently distressed girlfriend won't leave him alone. Nag, nag, nag, all day long.
So, armed only with an endless supply of henchwomen, millions of dollars worth of real estate, a killer car wash, a mad scientist, every stick of dynamite in the universe and a balloon with a Z on it; he tries to quickly recoup his losses by going to San Francisco and cornering the market in really small chip shops.
But Fish and Chips are Britain’s answer to haute cuisine, dammit! You can’t take them away from us. So in rides Bond with his trusty Steed. But it’s his last day on the job and he’s planning to take it easy… a bubble bath, a hair colouring, a cookery course, surfing lessons… Oh well, Charlie’s Angel and The Chinese Detective will have to sort it out.
Are you ill? Do you suffer from common diseases, like influenza, diphtheria and death? If the answer to that question is yes, then this new miracle cure from Jekyll Pharmaceutikills is for you.
Made from hormones and..erm..stuff, this green wonder liquid can cure all ailments! Simply take the daily recommended dose (several regular bottle-fulls whenever you feel like it) and before you can say ‘it wasn’t me, guv’, you’ll feel like a new man. Or woman. Or both.
Warning - this product WILL cause loss of appetite, hairy knuckles, genital disappearance, bi-sexual, schizophrenic trans-gender killing sprees and an aversion to opera.
Orac’s gone directly to jail without passing go and without collecting 200 credits, Vila hangs out with a shark on wheels, a snooty Victorian gentleman waggles his rod of truth in Dayna’s face and Cally goes on a night out with an invisible bald midget, ending up in his bed. On the first date? Talk about easy!
While all this is going on, Tarrant Scourge Of The Galaxy (his full title) bungles a robbery, loses a fight to a caveman and throws a wobbly about doing his homework. Fortunately, like an exasperated father, Avon’s on hand to point out all his mistakes. And save the universe with just a pencil.
Did I say pencil? I meant Graphite Writing Stick.
Obviously.
Mission To The Unknown has nothing to do with our intrepid heroes, they’re not even in it! Instead 3 men and a spiky killer cactus of doom kill each other so that they don’t have to listen to the disturbing, hideous SCREAMING coming from the jungle. I bet they’re longing for the peace and quiet of the desert.
Which is precisely where the Doctor is. He’s in the deserts of ancient Troy, pretending to be a cat who makes aeroplanes. Steven’s stripped a dead man and dressed in his clothes so that he can suck up to a posh boy whose idea of a good punch-up involves alcohol and tropical fruit. And Vicki’s busy wining and dining all the men in a royal family until she decides which one she wants to shack up with. The shameless gold-digger.
Vila’s living on a planet where the women only want him for his body, Cally’s learning how to be a space welder and Avon’s become the most inept captain of the Liberator, allowing the Federation to take control of it immediately…twice!
Still, that doesn’t stop them from reuniting and replacing the crew members they can’t be bothered to go and look for.
Maybe Blake’s Mini-Me and Avon’s pretend wife will have better luck on their first mission as they visit the planet of the pacifists, where if you so much as lean on the doorbell, the friendly, peace loving, anti-violence gimpbot with an electric crotch will beat you to death with a nuclear volcano in the face.
Nice.
For his latest scheme, Blofeld’s been dragged all the way to Las Vegas but Bond doesn’t want to go after him, he’s getting too old for all this.
To be franks, he goes all the way to Vegas just so he can visit a crematorium and he’s feeling burnt out. He gets his arse handed to him by a couple of disney characters, has a fight with a waiter over a bottle of wine and finds himself in the middle of a car chase on the moon! If that wasn’t enough, his cheeky new girlfriend, who has a fetish for uncomfortable beds and exploding underwear, seems to be wigging out and switching sides. And all this because Blofeld’s trying to kill people with carrots!
Still, I can think of at least two excellent reasons for Bond to go to Las Vegas, and that’s plenty!
And the first prize for Sleepy English Village goes to…
While the entire population has a Sunday morning lie-in, a handful of insomniacs, desperate to get some sleep, try all sorts of things to wear themselves out. Drinking, looting, kidnapping, bank robbing, inconsiderate parking, having babies, hiding in cupboards, running over sleepwalkers, blowing things up, crashing cars, stealing planes and shooting corpses.
None of it works of course, but then I could have told them that.
Er, i mean…whoops….I wouldn’t know, never tried it (nonchalant whistling).
The Doctor’s finally got fed up of Vicki hanging around doing nothing and has decided to get shot of her as soon as possible.
So when he comes across an all-girl pop group called ‘Maggie and The Drive-In’s’, who’ve broken down on their way back from a gig at the G5 arena, he spots his chance and leaves her with them. After five minutes they force him to take her back.
So he walks all the way to Wales and dumps her on an ugly garage mechanic with bad breath, but he gets fed up of her after only two minutes and gives her straight back.
Reluctantly, the Doctor leaves with Vicki, he’s got a more pressing problem. The prospect of a fivesome with a girl band has made Steven forget everything he’s ever learned about being an astronaut.
If you ask me, I think that’s perfectly understandable.
There’s a good reason why The Time Lords don’t allow outsiders on Gallifrey. As soon as Leela arrives she starts assaulting the presidential security forces and inciting the local farming community to riot. Then she lets her dog off the lead so that he can go round biting people in the balls and widdling on the electrics.
The electricians turn up but their extremely high charges come as a shock and the Time Lords turn them away, determined to fix the problem themselves. Unfortunately, a posh traffic warden has left the back door open and a gang of skinheads wanders in, trampling on the plants, trashing the swimming pool….
The only one who can sort it out has had a breakdown and is dressing for a victorian christening and talking to rocks.
It’s all the Doctor’s fault. I bet he wishes he could just forget it ever happened…
A wannabe TV chef with a penchant for eating animal vomit and dressing like a woman keeps waking up in muddy fields with a man who’s trying to get his camel across France in order to ask the neighbours to keep the noise down. There’s a man who lives in a clock, a woman eating dodgy mushrooms in an igloo and a hoax phone-caller who offers the strangest advice to people.
If there’s one thing guaranteed to raise Underworld’s reputation it’s Kate Beckinsale running around in a skin-tight black leather catsuit.
Unfortunately, that’s a different Underworld.
This Underworld has no sets, lots of beige, a comedy dog, a long lost sperm bank (sorry, ‘genetic inheritance’) and a bunch of idiots getting lost on a spelunking holiday wearing sausage hats and tin foil.
There are also a lot of hidden references to something about a yellow sheep but I don’t really understand it, it’s all Greek to me.
Dracula’s an idiot.
We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end.
He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes! His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes! His house is protected by a CCTV system that can’t see him! He has a sprinkler system, which is the same as deadly running water (and doesn’t stop his house from burning down anyway)! I wouldn’t be surprised if his car’s got a sun-roof.
We never find out exactly what his company does but I’m willing to bet it makes pencils….or garlic bread.
Hey old buddy, I’m afraid we can only spend a few minutes at the Blofeld Memorial Sanctuary for Retired Evil Cats, we’ve got a wedding to go to remember.
Yes, I’ve got the presents; a leg from you and a crispy drug smuggler from me. You’ll have to hijack a petrol tanker to get there on time and don’t forget, they like swearing so practice saying ‘bastard’ a lot.
No, that’s it. Just remember to wear your best pink trousers, and can you feed the shark before you leave?
Oh you have, bless your heart.
Whilst the Doctor commits credit card fraud, criminal damage and identity theft, Leela follows up a brief session of light bondage by having a steamy affair with a squeaky green-tinged midget.
Things are soon interrupted though when a gang of protestors organise a sit in at the air conditioning plant, telling the tax collector to stick it where the suns don’t shine.
Which just happens to be down two floors, on a shelf in the cupboard between the candles, the whips and the ladies hair removal products.
A Spaceman, a Monk, a Panda and a horny bloke called Sven. That’s certainly NOT the DVD I was expecting, I must have gone into the wrong shop.
Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window.
Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat. I wonder what happens in it.
Skullduggery abounds in Fetch Priory when a scientist gets light-headed and goes for a wanda.
She comes across an unrestrained accent, an exaggerated performance and an incontinent dog. She also finds a German fruitcake in the cellar that’s gone bad, but that’s okay because Rose Tyler’s Grandmother has made an English fruitcake (using a LOT of salt).
They all hide under a table when a mime artist with a VERY deep tan arrives and threatens to destroy all life on earth with a plague of giant, spaghetti-eating caterpillars.
Help is on hand though when the TARDIS arrives in a field of cows. Watch out, mime queen…here comes Doctor MooooOOOOO.
The Daleks interrupt the Doctor while he’s sunbathing so he challenges them to a game of hide and seek and legs it in the TARDIS. The Daleks count to one hundred and the chase is on!
They hide behind a miniature Empire State Building with Columbo, on an empty boat, in the cheapest Munsters convention in history and an alien jungle full of killer mushrooms…
But Oh No! The Daleks have built a lookee-likee Doctor designed to cheat at the game. The time travellers face a difficult dilemma when they have to choose between the one that looks like the Doctor or the one that….doesn’t.
At all. Not even a little bit. I mean, they could have put a short, fat, bald Indian woman wearing a false beard into a badger costume and covered it in custard and it would have been more believable.
But the finale takes place in a city populated by giant machines that are shaped like a robot’s knackers and it’s not long before they and the Daleks have a massive game of bumper cars. Our heroes take the opportunity to set fire to the city and jump off the roof.
The End
If there’s something strange In your remote, isolated, creepy old english mansion Who you gonna call…? The solicitors!
Are you mad?
Because this solicitor has had no training in fighting ghosts whatsoever. He doesn’t have a doctorate, he doesn’t have an un-tested, un-licenced nuclear accelerator on his back. He’s got a dog. A little dog. That runs away.
He doesn’t know how to use a fireplace, he can’t swim, can’t follow instructions, and wouldn’t recognise a hint if it broke into his hotel room and climbed into bed with him.
Which it does.
Honestly, this complete amateur doesn’t stand a ghost of a chance.
Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they’ve arrived, which is also after they’ve already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they’ve already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by getting there both before AND after the second time they turn up first, they IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW……MY BRAIN!
Nick Nack, baddie whack, give the girl a bone.
Having earned a nice holiday in Honk Kong, Bond gets into trouble straight away by flashing his tits at the wrong businessman. He gatecrashes a Bruce Lee Appreciation Society meeting in his pyjamas, narrowly avoids a humongous kicking with the help of the local girls school after hours ninja club and gets arrested for joyriding in a stolen car with a racist sterotype.
On the second day... he tracks down his biggest fan, shoots him and burns down his house, Bond then attends a wine wasting party where a bimbo and a midget fight over his junk.
All that’s left now is to take revenge on his tailor.
also known as Doctor Who and The Hardcore Prawn
The Doktaw and Loola stop off at an awl-nite petrul stayshun beecoz they hurd there woz a partee. But beefaw they can say ekstraterestreeal pathowlogikal endomorfizumz, thee Doktaw gets hairee hands and needs a ly down wyul loola pootz on a nursiz owtfit and gets fizzikal with a swawm of booshee ibrowd petrul pump atendanz…and a dog.
Towld u it woz hardcaw.
He’s a pathologist; brave, witty, always there to give you a hand. He’s a doctor; a square jawed hero, who tells it like it is She’s….erm…well…um…she looks good in just a big shirt.
Together they must travel to a remote island somewhere off the coast of somewhere. They’ve got a bone to pick with a fellow scientist who’s let a million silly cats run riot, terrorising the locals who are so scared they’re literally turning to jelly.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, we find out where Pot Noodles come from. I knew those things were evil but I’ll never sleep again now.
Yes, that’s right! It’s time to join Batman and Barry Bumface in Birmingham as they battle the Beast of Fraggle Rock…..er, I mean Fang Rock. Wellllll they’ve both got a lighthouse in ‘em, what’s the difference?
Scream your life away (clap clap) Worry ‘cause you’ll die today Let the monster play (clap clap) Down at Fang Rock
Rutan’s here to stay (clap clap) But they’ve got something to say Make it go away (clap clap) They’re Leela Doctor Rueben Ben and Vince
Scream your life away (clap clap) Worry ‘cause you’ll die today Let the Rutan play (clap clap) Down at Fang Rock Down at Fang Rock
Down at Fang Rock
You’ve had Sexploitation You’ve had Blaxploitation Now it’s time for Fangsploitation as the legendary Count prepares to wake up and smell the seventies.
What’s happened to the world? Why’s everything beige? Why’s everyone bored? Yes, I know there were a couple of buxom wenches for me to snack on yesterday but I mean, come on, I live on a building site with two young vampires called Johnny and Bob; My image is in serious need of some attention….
What’s that? The family Van Helsing you say? One of them wears low cut dresses and takes a lot of deep breaths? Well that’s more like it! Bob, fetch my John Travolta suit! It’s time to hit the streets of ’72 and rub some funk on it!
The time travellers arrive in ‘history’ again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in other tabards. The Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting while Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one’s ever tried that with the Queen!).
Barbara meets a shoe-shine man and impersonates a member of the royal family. Ian goes to the beach for some fetish fun with ropes, honey and an Arabic horse thief (Where was Mary Whitehouse when THIS was being broadcast?) before arriving just in time to watch someone else save Barbara from a life of endless sex.
Then all four of them sod off back to the TARDIS.
Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women.
When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘TOAST’ things get even worse; the nurse becomes a walking fire hazard, the switchboard operator goes mental and Dr Vernon’s plans for a quiet night go all to waste, literally.
There’s also a killer cat, a dirty book, a man in a truck, a surprise game of Doc Major Scissors and the strangest feeling that you’ve seen some of this before…
Bleep. bleepbleepblooooop. BlooopbloopblopblooptriiiiiillllwarblewarbleBLEEP. Scuttleflappityflapflap…..HOP.
Pluarrrghhkkhhh Wuarrrgggghhhhkkk.
(Translation)
When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with a gold fetish and the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons.
o….kaaaaaaaayyyy.
The butterflies want the planet back and get the Tardis crew to help them deflate the jellyfish. They don’t do this straight away of course, oh no. First Vicki practices tightrope walking in the TARDIS, then Ian loses his pen, destroys his school tie and threatens to drop his trousers. Ignoring him, Barbara wanders around doing a half-Karloff while the Doctor stares into the jaws of danger and asks it for a haircut.
TimeVault is going to the movies!
So chloroform your wife, throw your secretary out of the window and then you can sit back and relax as you watch John, Mark and Major Clark navigate their way through the minefield of Invisible Elevators, Overly Dramatic Staircases, Improbable Scientific Theories, Awkward Dinner Parties, Nasty-Looking Jumpers, Sweaty Midnight Runs……Some Bricks……and an Unnnearthhhhly Straaaangeeeerrrr.
And if you don’t like it, bugger off and paint your bathroom!
The time travellers take Vicki to ancient Rome and squat in someone’s villa for a month where Ian and Babs shag like rabbits before she acts like a slut around a married man and he goes off to sink ships and attack people with swords. If that wasn’t bad enough, Vicki wanders round the emperor’s palace trying to poison everyone and the Doctor impersonates an assassin while encouraging someone to commit arson.....and laughs about it!
Come back Susan...Please! Clearly you were the moral centre of the group because they’ve all turned into complete shits without you.
A slavering, gangrenous vampire with a penchant for women’s dresses, fancy hats and dead leprechauns, lives in the sewers of Victorian London with his best friend, a chinese midget who likes to hide inside people’s pants.
Now, if that’s not enough to get you contemptible slatterns interested, we’ll ask you this…
What makes horses sick, has the brain of a pig, the eyes of a dragon, the teeth of a rat, the hair of a ram, muscles like a horse, the dull wit of oxen and the tongue of a black scorpion?
We don’t know either but you wouldn’t want it served with onions.
It’s curtains for Kass, peril for Kerril and Chubb….erm…no, I’ve got nothing.
They’re dead, anyway. Because deep in the deserts of mumblemumblemumble, the crewmembers of a giant travelling bucket and spade are being killed off one by one.
But, since none of them actually like each other, nobody seems too bothered. They’re all too pre-occupied with themselves.
Commander Uvanov plans to use the money he makes on this trip to finance a computer game he’s invented called The Legend of Zilda, named after the (frankly, inexplicable) woman of his dreams. Who has actually just drowned herself in her own tears after being beaten by Toos in the Ship’s Silliest Hat competition.
Borg has found that resistance really IS futile while Dask has discovered cosplay and is taking it a tad too far.
Poul has gone off the deep end (Ho Ho). So it’s up to D-3PO, A-I Private Eye, to save the day.
Because Leela’s too busy playing with a magic yo-yo and the Doctor has gone peanut snorkling.
Dear 500 Year Old Diary
It’s been an odd sort of day.
For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course. The only woman in the group - who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition - got all up in my face, calling me evil. The cheek of it!
I tried to get on their good side with some jelly babies but it turned out that a man with a glove on his head had no sense of fun and convinced the others that they must attack God (who looks like me and lives in my throat) and The Evil One (who also looks like me and lives in my throat). I had to follow them of course and, would you believe it, I found three weirdo’s in a lift down there. I managed to cough them all up eventually and left the planet as soon as possible. I’m all out of lozenges as well. I’ll look for some on that planet with all the robots.
Robots are never any trouble. . .
Everyone has at least one skeleton in the cupboard and the Time Lords are no exception (although, since they don’t seem to have cupboards, he lives under the stairs). Gallifrey is about to fall under the dark influence of Chancellor Goth!
Fortunately, Cardinal Punk, Castellan Hippy, Chief Co-ordinator Emo and Commander New Romantic are on hand to help and the Doctor soon realises that the only way to save everything is to journey deep into the Matrix.
Unfortunately no one can tell him what the Matrix is, he has to see it for himself…
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the Master has just returned home with some funny ideas he picked up on his travels. Obsessed with rods, columns, shafts and cracks, excited about goats and making gooey (literally) eyes at the Doctor, things just got a liiiittle more complicated.
Having abandoned his grand-daughter barefoot in the rubble-strewn wreckage of an alien world, the Doctor and friends go to another planet in search of someone they like more. Once they find someone (called Vicki) they shoot all the animals, force her only friend off a cliff and leave.
Bastards.
In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn't hurt to follow these instructions.
- Twist your ankle
- Get captured
- Run through London with a sour faced woman holding a chair
- Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the Terrifyingly Tiny Alligator
- Defuse a polystyrene bomb
- Tear your jacket
- Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls of a cliff
- Stop any explosive devices by balancing them on a stick
Congratulations, you have just stopped an alien invasion.
Wasn't difficult, was it?
The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important and stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby’s fingernail.
MARVEL at the giant earthworm.
SHUDDER at the large wasp.
Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly.
CRINGE at the ‘how to act in a matchbox’ scene and…
STARE DUMBFOUNDED at ‘that’ telephone call.
RUN AWAY at the prospect of watching it again.
Good Morning everybody, welcome to Wundatours!
We shall be arriving at ElsBels shortly where we have a wonderful weekend planned. We shall be staying at a marvellous no star hotel that hasn’t been finished yet, staffed by humourously baffled locals. You’ll have plenty of time to enjoy sunbathing in the torrential rain and we have a charming outing to the local town where we have arranged for you to take part in a street brawl with the local prostitutes followed by a night in an overcrowded mixed jail cell. A last minute addition to the schedule is a huge piss-up before we leave.
I would ask that anyone allergic to mosquito bites, wet cement and ankle bracelets takes plenty of medication.
Everybody ready?
Off we go!
All aboard the Happy Wanderer for a quick round-the-world cruise. The first round of FloDears are on us….just don’t eat the cake.
It’s the Doctor’s turn to dress in someone else’s clothes this week as the final story of series one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one has a feathered hat and one nearly cops off with a Frenchman. It’s a violent, historical, jaw dropping romp.
Almost like TimeVault itself.
Except for the screaming and the violence…and the history, rats, riots, prison cells, guillotine, burning buildings, holidays, spies, assassins, dirty shovels, frenchmen and feathered hats.
Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit.
A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen. He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up in the hands of different tourists!
Hilarity ensues on the streets of Cairo as he chases (among others) a bumbling photographer, a linguist who can’t read and a Human version of Penfold, only for each one of them to be killed in a run of increasingly hilarious accidents each time his narcolepsy kicks in.
As the police begin to close in, no one has realised that the local religious fanatic and his mad old baggage of a mum are also after the tea-towel as it has a secret code written on it that can raise the dead!
Can our accountant put 2 and 2 together, find his, rather pathetic, souvenir, stop the tourists from dying and thwart the zombie-raising locals before he’s arrested? Or will he just sleep through the whole thing?
Sarah meets a strangely charismatic woman called Ellie D. Radd. Unfortunately, after three years of extreme living, Ellie’s cold handshake pushes Sarah over the edge and she no longer knows if she’s coming or going…or been. She starts to think she’s the popular children’s character Andy Pandy, gets a bit violent and puts a severed hand in her lunch box. The Doctor and Ellie get to her before she can gnaw off more than one finger. She snaps out of it when Ellie explains that after 150 million years on an NHS waiting list, she’s finally got an appointment for the sex change she’s always wanted.
Sarah and the Doctor give Ellie a lift to the surgery but afterwards, Ellie is crushed to discover that ‘she’ is now a Spanish man with a bad attitude and no neck. So he decides to spend the rest of her life living in a hole and calling himself El Drad.
Sarah sticks her tongue out and goes home.
That was Sarah Jane Smith everybody, put your hand together and give her a difficult round of applause
Join us as we try to make ‘sense’ of Doctor Who’s latest adventure.
As series one of Doctor Who nears its dimensionally transcendental end, this story is full of possibilities; A spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense, a podgy alien who likes to dress in other peoples clothes……and we find out where a very famous seventies pop trio got their inspiration.
Just stock up on coffee before you start.
Saggitarius (22 Nov-21-Dec)
A sense of direction (and a torch) will be of great benefit to you over the next few days as you go to the aid of your best friend’s hair stylist in a foreign sewer system. Arguments over an inheritance may cause you trouble while an untimely death will remind you of blue cheese. A bearded man will come between you and someone you trust during a fancy dress party. Eat sausages, close all doors behind you, stay away from men who can’t count….
Oh yes, and watch out for bat shit.
Jeepers, Creepers! The Brussels are sprouting!
The Doctor finds himself in another vine mess and doesn’t have mulch time to sort it out.
U.N.I.T. are late with the barbecue and Sarah’s had her chlorophyll of gardening (and she’s still getting over her fear of frozen veg).
It’s no good asking Scorby for help either, he just longs for the green green grass of home.
There are other guests at the Krynoid Garden Party, but something’s the vegetable matter with Keeler and Chase won’t leaf him alone. The haughty, cultured maniac is shoot-ing for the stars and won’t stop until all mankind is pushing up the daisies.
I don’t think this is what the hippies meant by flower power. Still, you know what they say, the other man’s grass is always more homicidal.
It’s not easy being greenery.
Extract from The 100 Most Famous Brains Of All Time: Far Future Edition
…and climbing several places to number 4 we have Morbius. Known to his friends as Chop-Suey the Galactic Emperor, this nearly dead Time Lord maniac likes oppression, paranoid ranting, swimming in green goo and killing starey orange witches of death. His pet hates are people with curly hair, sponges, mind bending contests, cliffs, fire, goldfish bowls, falling, everybody else in the universe and not being able to read a book.
Now that he’s finally overtaken Morpho from the planet Marinus, only three other brains are preventing him from reaching the top spot; The anonymous Thunderbirds scientist, Anne Uumellmahaye and Inspector Gadget’s dog. All three are being moved to safe locations following Morbius’s threats to…
Extract ends
There’s nothing like a bit of grave robbing, followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiancé before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old ‘destroying a man’s faith’ routine. That one gets ‘em every time.
Obviously, this won’t appeal to everyone, so for those of you who prefer a less hands-on approach you could simply dress like a leopard and wait for the Spaniards.
Aahhh, those were the days.
The Tardis crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man’s home and steal his keys……the bastards!
But the old man’s been really crafty, see, and he’s hidden the keys all over the planet…but of course, he ‘s old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them.
So they have to nick them off of some comedy knights, a courtroom judge, plants on strings, a hairy rapist and some splatty things in jars………ooh, the excitement.
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Honestly, Sutekh, what are we going to do with you? You sit in-front of a tv screen all day, you only wear black, you’re always crushing insects…
I know you like to leave dust and darkness everywhere but you could at least tidy your room. And open your curtains occasionally, they’ve got green mold all over them.
You’re at that difficult age, I know, but why can’t you be more like your brother, Horus? We’re not going to get you any more playthings until you start to act your age….I said no more playthings and I meant it, so stop throwing one of your tantrums and don’t give me that look.
You’ve got to take some responsibility… mummy won’t run around after you for ever, you know.
Now come down to dinner; I know you think all fish and animals are your enemy so we’re having vegetarian lasagne
And for god’s sake, take that silly hat off.
Sun, Sand and S…. No actually it’s just sun and sand.
Our four travellers have broken their box again and are taken in by a man on a sponsored expedition. Some people wear their sponsor’s logo on their clothes, some even have it tattooed on themselves, but Marco changed his surname. Unfortunately, since he’s not sucking on a mint or driving a volkswagon or hitting his balls with a hammer while sitting on a horse, no one’s really sure who his sponsor is.
All we know is that there’s a traitor in his midst from a rival expedition whose plans of sabotage fail (probably because there’s no guy in charge). With the help of the time travellers and a 90’s indie band that got lost in the desert, he manages to reach his destination of Ceti Alpha VI, only to find that Khan has actually moved to Ceti Alpha V, stolen a starship and gone on a murderous revenge spree against Captain Kirk….
I’m terribly sorry, I appear to have got sand in my synopsis.
TARDIS CLASSIFIEDS For Sale Melted Clocks, Empty Drinks Machine, Uncomfortable Bed and Fluffed Lines. £25 for the lot or swap for Sense and Coherence Contact Babs, Box Blue64
Once Upon A Time….
There was a giant, invisible jellyfish that lived in a hole eating coconuts.
The jellyfish was terribly lonely and bored and liked to play pranks on people.
One day, he hid all the fizzy pop from a bunch of visiting prospectors so they were dying for a drink. They couldn’t understand what was happening and that amused the Jellyfish greatly.
The next day, he tied a giant piece of elastic to a passing spaceship, and they were forced to do the first ever space bungee jump. Oh, how the Jellyfish laughed.
Never short of ideas, he then hypnotised a clever scientist into thinking he was the Tazmanian Devil. The jellyfish had never had so much fun.
Until one day, a stranger appeared, offered the jellyfish a tin of sweets and he was never seen again.
The End
When I was a kid, there was a toy I used to have. It was a small plastic-y, rubbery octopus thing that was all sticky and slimy. You’d throw it at a window and it would stick to it and slowly squelch it’s way down……minutes of fun.
With all those suckers, I wonder if you could do the same with a Zygon…
It’s amazing that this one ever got past the BBC censors.
In only the second Doctor Who story ever, the TARDIS crew help the Thals fight and destroy their opponents. Sounds straight forward to us, but hang on a minute! Weren’t the perfect looking, blonde haired, blue eyed people the very model of a perfectly ordered Aryan super race as recommended by the Nazi’s? Not one of the Thals is disabled, deformed or unattractive, the odd one or two that are weaker than the others get killed off pretty quickly and our heroes teach them all how to fight!
They teach the Nazi way to the Nazi poster boys and even join in when they head off to kill all the mutated, deformed inhabitants of the city; all of whom are disabled! They’re all confined to wheelchairs and unable to leave their home, there’s nowhere for them to run to and as a result they’re sitting ducks, mercilessly preyed upon by the Thals until they’re all dead! And then the Doctor and friends head off somewhere else, feeling all smug and happy that they’ve helped wipe out a civilisation.
And this is presented as a children’s show.
Spring-time for Davros!
A disabled electrician with a massive ego invents a wheelchair with a bad attitude and a passion for unblocking toilets. Unable to leave the house, he orders his weekly shop online but the Thal supermarket delivers some bad clams so he blows them all to shit.
Two doctors fight over the dullest piece of jewelery ever seen, whilst Sarah climbs to the top of a giant phallic structure and throws herself off it.
That’s women’s lib for you.
You say Sontaran, I say Sontaran....
Harry sets a bad example to youngsters everywhere by going spelunking and rock climbing without any safety equipment whatsoever; that’s no way for a medical professional to behave!
Sarah sets a good example to youngsters everywhere by proving that you can be a successful, strong, independent, modern woman capable of writing wrongs and fighting evil monsters as long as you face your fears, which now include snakes, heights, mud, golf balls and potatoes. Honestly, when you add those to the already unusual list of badgers, spiders, nazi’s, plumbing equipment and giant cocks, she’ll soon have the single biggest collection of extreme phobias the world has ever known.
The Doctor, meanwhile, isn’t afraid of anything. He’s quite happy just to crouch down in a field and fiddle with someone else’s balls....
The pilot episode's not bad actually, once you manage to tune out the two blokes off-camera who keep talking all the way through it.
We think that's why they re-did it.
Home schooling takes a nasty turn when a grumpy old man locks his grand-daughter’s teachers in a box.
RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs.
And a man on a glockenspiel overdoes it and has to be threatened with burning skulls.
Classic.
Peoples of the Universe, please attend carefully. The podcast that follows is vital to the future of you all...
Either we’ve gone blind or the crew of the Liberator have turned invisible because we can’t see a thing.
It all sounds terribly exciting though; Jenna spaces out, Vila has a Hull of a time and Blake and Cally guest on Servelan’s new Federation talk show. Unfortunately for Avon, he’s been locked in the lounge while the Liberator gets ram raided.
Not surprisingly, he chooses to have a vacation and heads off for a sun, sand, sea and sex break. He lies on the beach, watches the locals get cross with other holidaymakers, has a fling with a complete stranger, picks up the ultimate souvenir and leaves a dead disco dancer in the ocean. All in all, the perfect holiday....until the Mrs turns up.
Way to kill the mood, love.
The Doctor examines ooze and Vira has to choose, so Sarah has a snooze while Harry loses shoes!
Oh dear, wirrn trouble now...
It’s par 4 on the 12th and there’s a spot of bother in one of the bunkers.
You’ve heard of Extreme Golf? Well Hitler Winters (sorry, Hilda Winters) and the Fascist Scientists have too. It’s not extreme enough for them though so they’ve decided to weaponise their favourite golf course and are prepared to eradicate any and all opposition with nuclear force just so that they can finally win the Masters.
The Brigadier and Benton are prepared to add an extra hole to the course if it’ll stop Hitler winning that trophy, but when the robot caddy goes a bit wrong and shoots an elderly electrician, the situation rapidly disintegrates. What they really need is a Doctor.
But two Doctors are fighting over which one gets to drive Bessie and which one gets to throw a bucket of goo onto MechaKongZilla, who’s just turned up and shoved a dwarf in a wig down a chimney.
I think Sarah’s gone home at this point, and who could blame her?
Donna has something on her back....
Sorry, getting 36 years ahead of ourselves there.
Sarah has something on her back, Mike finds religion and the Doctor has the longest chase in history, using (deep breath) cars, boats, bicycles, hovercrafts, whomobiles, milk floats, mobility scooters, stairs, elevators, stilts, pogo sticks, roller-skates, hang gliders, canoes, trains, tanks, swimming, shopping trolleys, rickshaws, hot air balloons, parachutes, zip wires, helicopters, elephants, those things window cleaners use to go up and down, skiing, free-running, skateboards, hoverboards, deloreans, a hospital trolley on a stairwell, ejector seats, an empty cello case, a bus that can’t go below 50, carnival floats, jet packs, surf boards, pushchairs, horses, slides, submarines, a pony and trap, motorbikes, rockets, fighter jets, bungee jumping, segways, space hoppers, lolo balls, magic carpets, an egg and spoon race, escalators, the tube, cable cars, circus cannons, an angry birds catapult.....and a tramp.
But before he can get his breath back, he dies of embarrassment when Incey Wincey Spider asks him to tap dance.
It’s one of those days…..Ommmmm
People think this story is about the miner’s strike or the class divide. It isn’t you know, it’s about the power of the mind; Queen Thalira’s willpower is astonishing...
Surrounded by dirty, greasy labourers who keep bursting in on her trying to assert themselves...nothing.
A big muscle man, responsible for her body who grunts at her all day…not a flicker.
A god shaped like a wild, hairy beast with a big horn…means nothing to her
Even the aliens are at it, an angry snake with a suggestive hat wants to show her how it’s done and a human wants to drag her off into the caves and take her home…she barely notices
She doesn’t even react to the sight of Alpha Centauri, now THAT’s willpower.
Either that or she’s incredibly naieve and the Doctor needs to sit her down and explain about the badgers and the bees.
Hmmm.....what to talk about on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who?
Let’s see; condoms, ball fiddling, chubby villains, hundreds and thousands, Chas n Dave, Queen lyrics, pyromaniacs, mullets (the hair, not the fish), inefficient first aid, glockenspiels, dead moles, sick....
All these things are discussed in.....
The Podcast of Rassilon.
The Doctor forgets to charge his iTardis and finds himself stranded in a desert with some office workers whose team building weekend has gone all Lord of the Flies. When the Daleks arrive suffering from an epidemic of exterminatile dysfunction (HON-EST-LY, THIS HAS NE-VER HAPP-ENED BE-FOORRE), he decides to look elsewhere for a compatible charger.
While Sarah is busy roaming the desert, beating the natives to death in an attempt to find her first outfit that isn't brown, the Doctor arrives at a nearby village. Introducing himself to the locals, he joins them round a camp fire and samples their home made marijuana. The rest, as they say, is hallucinatory….
He's chased by a bit of pipe, makes friends with a rock that has glow-in-the-dark nipples who asks him to play the Crystal Maze for Dummies inside a giant lighthouse with crazy paving, it's own disco and some zombies and together they beat the Daleks, winning a meringue that screams.
While the Doctor's busy coming down from his little trip, Sarah goes to the gift shop for a souvenir and comes back with a corpse on a stick.
She's always wanted one.
In the true style of Doctor Who Minisodes, this is as transient and throw-away as you'd expect.
RaaaaaAAAAArrrRRRrrrrr
London.
The Golden Age Retirement Home has lost some of it's residents during a day trip to the nation's capital. Normally that wouldn't be anything to worry about but when it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Great Grand Daddies, and they haven't taken their pills, you'd better call U.N.I.T.
The Brigadier's got his work cut out for him though; Sarah's getting spaced out watching the Discovery Channel with a French resistance fighter who can't sing while the Doctor is busy boosting cars, stealing frilly shirts from high street shops and having a quick fumble with some old bird in a broom cupboard.
Looks like Captain Yates is his only hope.
Shit.
When the love child of E.T. and Mr Potato Head falls from the sky in a giant zorb, he’s befriended by an ironmonger with a syllable deficiency who hides him in a barn and demands payment in the form of old men’s used pajamas. When the hairy poo steals them from the future, the Doctor follows him back to merrye olde englande but gets sidetracked when he’s invited to a party by Robin Hood’s gay cousin; he tries to cheer up a confused suffragette by dressing as a priest and making stink bombs while a dotty old woman does soap opera impressions at them.
Unnoticed by anyone, the alien visitor suffocates inside his own zorb before he can try out the new spray on deodorant he’s just invented....Linx
(stereotypical welsh accent) Dear British Boyo Corporation,
Wales here. We would like to put ourselves forward as the new home of Doctor Who at some point in the 21st Century.
We feel we have all the right qualifications to be responsible for such a popular, important show....
just look at all the evidence. We’ve got class discrimination, see. We’ve got racial stereotypes, unnecessary cross-dressing, rivers of toxic sludge, maggot infestations, indecipherable local dialects, hippies with girly hair, underground death traps and a huge pile of dirt that’s covered in rubber johnnies. What more could you want?
Oh, and apparently the town of Newport even has some cutting tools (although that could just be a rumour).
Yours Hopefully
Bert Funny Little Welshman Soon To Die Horribly Covered In Something Green
The Doctor and Jo are redecorating the TARDIS (again!) and pay a visit to the Carpet Warehouse. Unfortunately for them the purple shag piles have taken over and invited the Daleks to appear on a number of reality tv shows.
While the Daleks are busy taking part in Dancing on Ice, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and Pimp My Ride, the Doctor and Jo, for one night only, are helping the Thal Historical Re-enactment Society perform their greatest moment in history as part of their Worlds Tour.
With pissing plants, a reverse parachute, a flat-pack TARDIS, a talking bowl of chocolate and an ‘everything must go’ day at the Rolykins factory thrown in.
Nothing out of the ordinary happens in this one...
Josephine Grant, this year’s winner of Earth’s Got Talent goes on a galactic tour, demonstrating her ability to perform kung-fu escapology while reciting nursery rhymes.
The Doctor inspects a lot of empty rooms, falls off a few spaceships and wears pajamas to the moon.
The Master reads a book, has a nap and vanishes in a puff of hasty editing.
And a giant orange testicle terrorises the Planet of the Apes.
You know, same old same old.
Carnivaaaaal!
Music! Dancing! Vibrant Colours! Cultural Diversity! Excitement! Sexy Costumes! Atmosphere! Wrong Carnival!
Okay, I know it says Carnival of Monsters but a blurry cyberman, wet glove puppets, hastily applied bald caps and a crate of chickens isn’t exactly Rio is it?
But I suppose if you add the worst fairground attendants in the galaxy covering themselves in balls while the Doctor punches a man in the face, Jo is chased by a giant fork and Harry Sullivan has an argument with Mosschops, then maybe......
No. It still isn’t Rio.
A greek tragedy unfolds when an invisible man falls into a hole and learns how to turn other peoples lights off by remote. He sends Mr Blobby’s less evolved cousin to apologise but that’s not enough to stop a delegation of medical professionals from jumping in the hole and throwing musical instruments at him. No one helps him though, because the Brigadier’s brain has gone to the seaside and Jo is wandering in the desert having killed a muppet, wearing it like a second skin.
Happy Anniversary!
Vila makes a fool of himself while Jenna flutters her eyelashes at two Jolly Green Giants who are fighting over which one of them inherits their dad’s tinned vegetable business. Servelan realises that she’s the left the back door to the galaxy open but someone’s nicked her motor so she has to live in a tent surrounded by goths.
Travis has invited a load of violent, conquering aliens he met down the pub to take part in a massive intergalactic Battle of Trafalgar flashmob (with himself as Lord Nelson, naturally), unfortunately, he’s spent the last few weeks creating a two-headed creature called Blavon, which picks him up and throws him down a well then tries to break up the flashmob by denying the illegal aliens immigration status.
Blake’s 7 meets Game of Thrones meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers meets Shrek!
Beat THAT for a season finale!
The Daleks’ package holiday to London, Earth doesn’t quite live up to the brochure; the idyllic campsite where they can park their mobile home turns out to be a rubble-strewn, dilapidated factory complex in the city centre covered in Sugar Puffs (other breakfast cereals are available) and the “world’s largest open air swimming pool” is a filthy, corpse infested river!
The vibrant, thriving, multi-cultural London nightlife is actually a bitter tramp and an underage girl who hospitalise several of the off-earth tourists in a multiple hit and run during a shopping trip.
The warm, friendly locals they were promised are a bunch of homeless squatters who jump out from doors and alleyways to throw smoke bombs at them and even break into their camper van at one point to kidnap their dinner guests.
Despite this they find a nice place in the country (well it’s Bedfordshire but you can pretend) and start to build a holiday villa. Unfortunately, they’re conned by a load of cowboy builders who don’t seem to know what they’re doing and then four environmentalist campaigners turn up and incite a rather violent protest riot, setting fire to the daleks' camper van and blowing up their new holiday home.
A strong letter of protest to the travel agent is in order I think.
Poor Daleks. Maybe they’ll have better luck next year, when they go to Kembel…
An exercise video for people with nothing left to live for, hedgehog empathy, a japanese mexican version of the invisible man trying to do a welsh accent and an interactive cinema experience to die for isn't enough for this edition of TimeVault…
So we've thrown in a man having his arm pulled off (always popular), midget pawn (not as popular) and the poshest all-girl bar fight (arousing despite everything) you're ever likely to see this side of the Narn homeworld.
Welcome to Babylon's 7
After a rather heavy handed attempt to redecorate the lounge, the crew of the Liberator need to take five so they unanimously decide to walk into a trap involving a one eyed mountain man and some rubber rocks.
A criminally insane smarty pants spends a few minutes alone with Jenna and Cally before deciding he needs some space while Avon and an old friend play eskimos and fight over a woman.
Blake also gets into a fight over a woman, with a straggly-haired bloke who lives in a bush.
And there's a family reunion which comes dangerously close to being a Channel 4 documentary!
What strange universe is this? Where's all the black and white gone? Why didn't they take that box of chocolates with them to eat on the journey? Who are all these familiar but somehow completely and utterly different people?
A man who's clumsy, bumbling and outwitted by an 8 year old? That's not Ian.
A woman who reads science journals and doesn't get on her high horse every 5 minutes? That's not Barbara.
A grand-daughter who is brave and intelligent and doesn't scream? That's not Susan.
An old grandfather who takes part in illegal human drug testing, advocates the female slave trade, endangers a minor, incites a riot, lies to his friends and family, seems unconcerned with genocide?
That's not……oh.
Well actually, that bit is rather familiar.
It's strange what the death of a close friend or enemy does to people isn't it?
Servelan starts being honest, Travis finally stops shouting, Cally remembers that she's telepathic and Avon and Vila gatecrash the Federation Fashion Show.
Blake is hit the hardest though, he sulks a lot, leaves the longest voicemail message in history, gets adopted by a talking flea and develops a fetish for 'water sports'.
If only a fatal incurable disease could be discovered, everything could get back to normal...
Oh, that's a bit of luck.
Everyone's feeling a little out of sorts in The Time Monster; Jo fondles the Doctor's equipment then makes several attempts to kill herself, Yates sits in a ditch, Benton's being really childish and the Doctor wants to jack it all in and start an intergalactic zoo.
It's not going too well though, he's already killed the Immortal Bull and his Time Rams just don't do anything, but if he could find the legendary Giant White Time-Eating Chicken-Beast from Outer Space….
Unfortunately for him, the Master has already found it and is using it to have sex with the Queen of Atlantis!?
The Brigadier could help but he's finally been pushed over the edge. If he could stand perfectly still for just a bit longer, maybe they'll all just go away.
The Liberator crew are in desperate need of a holiday so they go to a remote planet and take it in turns to film a short corporate training video called "How Not To Survive In The Jungle" before using the fee from that to get in to an exclusive (and incredibly makeshift) portable disco, after which, they go topless.
I'm not kidding. There's greased nipple shots, jiggling breast flesh, the lot.
Then, because you CAN have too much of a good time, they go up against Travis and Servelan in a teams edition of Far Future Total Wipeout (extreme); The games are Grass Go Bang, Monkey Bar ZZZZsttt! Who's Behind The Door? and Strontium Rubble Exaggeration.
Cheaters will be severely penalised!
A bald man in a metal box living next door to an underground disco turns a hippy protester into a girly angel with anger management issues while a token ethnic workforce develops a crippling speech impediment, causing a fat man to shout at some insects. The Doctor and Jo deliver a giant Kinder Surprise.
Wanted.
Superstitious locals required for labour-intensive mining work.
You will be working amongst a team of like-minded individuals, with plenty of "encouragement" from supervisors. Fixed salary, holiday entitlement and career prospects. Uniform of dirty rags will be provided.
Successful applicants will be desperate, gullible, injured, hostile to strangers and partial to bongo drums.
Must have own corpse.
All enquiries to Man in Creepy Mask, Secret Underground Voodoo Chamber, Abandoned Tin Mine.
When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can't afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn't seem that odd.
The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the turtles so that you can't have any, that's very odd.
Still there's only one thing you can do in this situation…challenge him to a swordfight, beat him in a speedboat race, handcuff him to a chair, make a machine that goes BLEEP, impersonate a naval officer, steal a hovercraft and watch the Clangers.
So you didn't get a turtle because some faulty wiring burned down the farm, but at least you got out of the house for a change.
Welcome to Space City, the only place to be if you're looking for fun and games!
We have classics like computer chess, custard eating contests and a highly addictive marbles tournament. There are new takes on old games like Telepathic Hide and Seek or the Giant Tiddly-Winks planet (try not to have a fist-fight with the other team).
If you prefer less rules to remember, we still have Arguing with a Box, How Many Blakes? (don't worry, there's only 3) and some good old fashioned Shouting Matches.
Or you could try one of our challenging new games; Spider Teasing, Real-time Psycho Prediction, Instant Death Spot Roulette, Canteen Creature Capture or you could see how long you'll last on (our favourite) The Smokey Singing Surrender Stairs.
If you don't come to Space City, you're a loser!
A hero who doesn't talk, a man who's always having a hunch, an extremely unhelpful execution victim, a dead dad who throws rodents at women, spontaneous amphibian revivification, rough sex, public humiliation, grave robbing, a carrier bag with a man's face in it and the strangest game of statues ever.
This is Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter…. it's madder than a hat full of frogs.
All together now
Aaaaaaa-geeeeee-ddor-dor-dor Push a statue, shake a spear Ageddor-dor-dor Make your people quake with fear Kill a friend, rig a fight All of your guests will hiss and squeak That's enough for tonight Do it again same time next week
Travis and Servelan go on a team building exercise where she claims the title of most inappropriately dressed spelunker in the universe and loses a bet with Blake after he wins a paperweight wrapped in christmas lights by fondling an old man's tits.
The rest of the Liberator crew are busy sweating, vomiting, dressing up, playing with remote control spaceships and getting into an unusual situation with a pair of electronic leotards.
So it's a pretty normal day for everyone. Now if only Gan could channel the Force...
Day of the Daleks explained…
The Long Version A shiny quisling and a man with a whip find some dirty tins in a cupboard, which are five years out of date and have gone bad. they are so hazardous to health that the Human race is brought to it's knees and the only things they can manufacture are skips and very slow quad bikes with a wheel missing. A street gang full of people who are too old to be in a street gang pass the time by killing historical figures and pretending to be ghosts but they stumble across some space gorillas who've stolen the tins and gone to a boring party in the English countryside. The fact that they've all got the day wrong and find the Doctor and Jo having fun with ropes and gags in the cellar might, just might, cause some complications.
The Short Version Cheese stealer, pasty face, guerrillas, gorillas, tunnels and pants.
We think the short version makes more sense.
Opportunity knox for Pussy, Tilly, Mai Ling and Dink - The Goldfinger Singers - as their manager, Gertie, gets them their biggest ever gig in the US of A, putting on a show for the troops. But tragedy strikes as their bodyguard (an ex painter and decorator who really doesn't like golf balls) would rather spend all his time planning a school for haberdashery themed assassins and lets a rather fanatical fan dressed as a duck slip through backstage. It's alright though, Gertie defuses the situation by inviting the fan round for a nut roast!
Sadly, the Goldfinger Singers' performance puts the entire US Army to sleep! Still, it could have been worse.
It could have been the Beatles.
or…Confessions of a Scientific Advisor.
Doctor Who's sexual tension gets a right seeing-to in the horniest story of them all.
Sergeant Benton pulls the local busybody, the Brigadier gets a bed scene, Yates' chopper explodes all over a strange man, the Doctor draws a giant breast, everyone does a fertility dance and the Master keeps hiding in the crypt to secretly summon the horny beast.
With a chicken.
Finally, after the Doctor and Jo share a bed, Yates misjudges the moment and asks his boss to dance. honestly, there must be something in the water.
The Liberator crew aren't being chased by anyone so they have a bit of time to themselves…
Blake goes camping and breaks a few records with a puppet and a gramophone.
Jenna flirts with a very persistent Turkish Delight salesman, while Vila experiments with the kind of necklace you'd usually find in a six year old girl's dressing up box.
Avon discovers that he really is God and Gan relaxes by beating up a load of poorly educated homeless men with speech impediments.
As for Cally, her newly developed talent for canine mimicry causes her to fail basic camouflage training and so Blake makes her spend 35 minutes lying face down on the floor.
Please, somebody start chasing them again.
The Master steals a small red model aeroplane from the High Council of the Time Lords so they send the Doctor and Jo to the Planet of the Blind Mime Artists to get it back.
They meet some Human colonists who find life on the planet so dull they've perfected the art of open-air mud wrestling, a bunch of intergalactic miners who can't understand how they came last in a Build-Your-Own Godzilla competition, and a squeaky midget who lives in a wall safe.
When the quiet blinky ones take Jo hostage, the Doctor must negotiate for her freedom…… anyone for Charades?
One Valerie Leon just isn't enough. Especially in this tale about a sleepy, scantily clad amputee with an ornament fetish, who takes revenge on a bunch of peeping toms after they break into her bedroom and move stuff.
She won't go down in history as one of the all-time great revenge killers though; she lets her mind wander and it takes her about 20 years to get started. Even then she can't be bothered to get out of bed, so she has to rely on her more sensibly dressed look-alike to scare the bejeezus out of a few pensioners by moving some statues about.
I don't care what other people might think; Death by Feng Shui won't get you in anyone's top ten.
It's a U.N.I.T. night out and they've chosen to go to the new Italian restaurant down the road, Axonite's
The Brig argues with the regular military over who's going to pay, the Master turns up even though he wasn't invited and one of their guests insults the Doctor's equipment so they spend the rest of the night arguing about who's is biggest.
Jo loses her appetite after she gets lost in the kitchens and sees the chef doing something with a giant frog and the American liaison has waaay too much to drink, starts seeing double and punches himself in the face.
All in all, a typical night out……
Until someone orders the spaghetti bolognese. Nobody was expecting it to be THAT spicy!
The crew of the Liberator go on one of those team-building exercises, you know the kind of thing, a bit of potholing, spaceship racing, flamethrower avoidance, suicidal vortex diving, a rather easy game of hide and seek and hitting each other over the head with bits of the ship.
Travis wants to join in but the scantily clad fem-bot he brings with him upsets everyone so he throws a strop and gets his evil balls out.
There's only one thing you can do after an experience like that…but Gan does his Captain Caveman impression instead.
It doesn't go down well.
The Master makes Jo eat some porridge while a brain in a box goes for a walk.
Yates discovers that his equipment is well and truly bent and forgets how to ride a bike.
Benton goes on a power trip while the Brigadier sells potatoes and an imaginary dragon argues with an American tourist over a hotel room.
The Doctor has an unnecessary cup of tea.
Mind of Evil? Mind of a Freaking Loony Writer if you ask me.
It didn't take long for the crew of the Liberator to start pairing off, just in time for a weekend break…
Avon and Cally go on a murder mystery weekend in a spaceship full of planks and struggle to solve the only (very obvious) clue. But, to be fair, it's hard to concentrate when you're being stared at by couple of angry perms while a midget with super strength keeps getting in your way.
Blake and Jenna go on a double date in the woods with Travis and his lady friend. They film themselves engaging in rough, physical action that leaves them all hot and sweaty. Much to the disappointment of the locals…
…and the entertainment of Vila and Gan who are lounging about on the sofa watching it all as it's streamed live.
A stage hypnotist and a factory worker employ a team of mime artists to run their own radio station whilst taking part in a bus tour for a group of artificial florists with abnormally large heads.
Clearly this contravenes all the laws of, erm…sense, so U.N.I.T. is called in to put a stop to it. The Doctor can't take part though because he's confused by a window and challenged some clowns to a fist fight.
Not to worry, the clumsy work experience girl has just brought the Brigadier a damp plank of wood, just what he needs to defeat the Sparkly Fingers of Death…
What do a tarantula, a herring and a butler's wife's brother have in common?
I don't know either but they all cause trouble for the World's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes. So much trouble in fact, that he does a bunk for most of the adventure and decides to try his hand at more respectable employment. His eclectic choices of hotel management, pest control, impressionist and telescope repair man don't go well though so he decides to jack it all in and live in a swamp.
Until a mad spanish gypsy woman has a row with a horny rich toff in a field, whereupon Holmes proceeds to break up the row by fighting a dog with a bag on it's head.
Sherlock Holmes……he's a bit of a mentalist.
The Centre of the Earth. A fascinating subject, tackled by many different writers and storytellers over the ages; what wonders are to be found at the Earth's core? What dangers, treasures and enchantments are waiting to be discovered?
But as good as these stories may be, that is all they are - stories, flights of fancy. The truth is like nothing you could imagine and now, finally, Doctor Who has revealed to us that most incredible truth. The Earth's core (drum roll please) is full……of……
Snot.
Boiling. bubbling snot.
And hair. Lots of it, all over the body.
There's also a lot of burning hot magma spewing forth like the after-effects of a really hot curry.
Strangely enough no women get affected by these things, only men.
So join us as we discuss Doctor Who and the Hot 'n Hairy Snot Monsters from the Earth's Core
This one's got a man without a face. Honestly, how crap is that for a villain?
Okay, so you've only got one arm or maybe a wooden leg, or even just an eyepatch, you can still have a good chance of taking over the world or causing havoc. But I mean, come on…
He doesn't have a FACE!
He can't see where he's going, he can't ask for directions…he can't even use a mirror to draw one on.
He'll never lick stamps, or roll his tongue into a tube or say any of the truly great words like 'moist', 'spasm' or 'smock' and everyone he meets will just spend all their time making rude gestures at him in the joyous knowledge that he doesn't have a clue.
It's no life for a villain.
Although to be fair, when it comes down to the final face-off with his enemies, he's already got one hell of a head-start.
A gunfight…of DEATH!
A fist-fight…of DEATH!
A car chase…of DEATH!
Underground bunkers, astronauts, aliens, radiation…of DEATH, helicopters, more underground bunkers, explosions, a baker's van…of DEATH, false beards and some crap magic.
So as Benton hands round the Ferrero Rocher…of DEATH! (Timevault, you are really spoiling us), it can only mean one thing…
It's The Ambassadors…of DEATH!
Boinnngggggg!
The pressure's starting to get to them.
After spending the day fending off mind control, genocide, girl on girl action, little squeaky white things and an angry midget in a fish tank, the crew of the Liberator go a bit bonkers; listening to a stolen radio, catching amnesia (all of them) and stealing from an - understandably - angry motorcycle courier who seems to have lost his bike.
They're just a bunch of hooligans really.
Domestic disputes are so inconvenient aren't they?
One minute your bicycle-powered nuclear reactor is causing a power cut and keeping your next-door neighbours awake (well, the ones you haven't got tied up in the kitchen) and the next thing you know you're being investigated by the government, soldiers have cordoned off your street and your neighbours have released a virulent, communicable monkey plague into your living room.
Hasn't anyone heard of community spirit?
What a pair!
The local schoolteacher finds them to be a right handful, the God-fearing puritans struggle to get to grips with first one then the other; even the vampire on the hill can't wait to start sucking on them.
Honestly, they just can't contain themselves. Careful handling is advised.
What?
I know she's got a sister, they're twins. What did you think I was talking about?
Think of all the monsters that you've ever heard about Like Sea Devil, Krynoid, Rutan and Slitheen
There are lots of weird monsters in the Universe But have you ever seen an Auton that is green?
Seen!
An Auton that is positively green?
Well that's because there aren't any, There really aren't any
An Auton isn't eco-LOG-ic-ally sound
They're not bio-degradable They're made of plastic with no voice, they're just a Massive tool
They'll kill us all 'cos they're Autons They're bloodthirsty Autons
They want to wipe out our race
Because they're silent, violent, take a long time to melt Plastic (and drastic) from feeeeeet to faaaaaaaaaaaaaaace
(bom ba dom bom ba dom bom)
So you're planning to conquer the Galaxy?
Do you have a big, villainous beard, treacherous subordinates with slightly smaller villainous beards, nameless minions with pvc uniforms and weird guns?
Do you have an air of menacing authority, a bold, inventive, never been done before plan involving fog, mud, designer glasses and pop art wallpaper?
If the answer to all these is a big YES, then you're ready to begin.
Just make sure that you stop off on the way and get yourself an arch nemesis and your own personal fanfare.
How come metal wigs never took off as a fashion accessory? They're shiny, long lasting (barring rust), work brilliantly as a hard hat, available in different styles (the one being modelled here is in a rather attractive beehive with parting) and you can decorate them yourself.
Okay, you'll never be able to look down without falling over and fridge magnets will suddenly become a nuisance but that's not many downsides.
A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who've quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears cottage (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds).
It's obviously not a fairytale though because after barging into the poor man's home and helping themselves to all his stuff, they creep into his bedroom to do who knows what and he's forced to defend himself.
When Reservoir Priest turns up on the side of the squatters though, it just gets nasty.
Victimisation by the church of lonely, disabled social outcasts and upper class English tourists behaving like common criminals… Honestly, what is the world coming to?
Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner get's the Earth.
His largely improvised routine is lots of running about and arm waving, which can't compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do 'the robot'. The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work for a flying carpet manufacturer) reluctantly give that round to the Ice Warriors.
While Earth's security forces all go for a bubble bath, it looks like mankind is finished as the Glam Rock Marshal and his Disco Lizards plan a show-stopping number in the final round……
Can the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe's last minute rain dance win them the trophy?
Blake's 5 settle down to a quiet night in on the sofa with some stickers, a bag of mints, a massive stash of treasure and an inflatable spanner, but the evening's spoilt by the gate-crashing antics of a violent religious psychopath, some elderly gladiators and a ventriloquist without a dummy.
Something tells me this party's going to end with a BANG…
"Doctor, Doctor, there's a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice in my soup!"
"Don't you mean waiter?"
"No, no. It's definitely a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice."
Bu-dum! Tsh!
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, We're here all week. Don't forget to tip your Kroton
or Hammer (The Christopher Lee Tribute Band Goes Back to School)
An all-girl boarding school with a see-through dress code, a headmistress perverting the course of justice, a history teacher who worships the undead and a new member of staff called Dick who's desperate to introduce all the girls to his richard (or something like that)…
That's right, in the best tradition of shows like Panorama and News Night, we look at a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the declining standards in education.
With added blood and tits.
Cyberman, Cyberman, does whatever an emotionless, semi-organic, flesh-filled exoskeleton can Hard to miss, rather large, wouldn't fit in a barge Look out! Here comes a Cyberman.
Wrists of the Tearer, Knuckles of the Strangler, Thumbs of the Puncher, Index Finger of the Presser - these are just a few of the ideas that were discarded in favour of Hands of the Ripper; a film about whores, frauds, a wet fish and a right berk.
A Doctor, a faceless boy and an improbable martial artist do battle with a hairy woman, a blow-up corpse, robots from another show and the worst fake nose in history.
All because some old guy can't work his computer.
Actually, there were never more than 6 of them and that wasn't until episode 4 and for the last two series there were only 5 and Blake wasn't in it. Talk about false advertising.
So join our campaign to rename the show "Blake's or Whoever's 7 (Actually 6) or Lower" or we'll tranquillise you, brainwash you, frame you for an unspeakable crime and fire you off into deep space.
Two overly butch aliens called 'Dominators' hunt submissive men in skirts because they want some slaves that they can force to take part in something called a Dull Kiss (I'm quite relieved they never explain that bit).
Alright, who said subtext?
Spying, trespass, assault, incitement to riot, double kidnapping, multiple car theft, graffiti, wanton vandalism, time manipulation, possession of the living by the dead, chicken in a basket and saying it's all God's fault… the aristocracy isn't what it used to be.
I blame the parents.
The Wheel in Space goes round and round Round and Round Round and Round
The Wheel in Space goes round and round All. Day. Long
(repeat continuously for 6 episodes).
Seaweed; noun; ('si, wi,d)
Any of numerous multi-cellular marine algae that grow on the seashore, in salt marshes, in brackish water or submerged in the ocean.
Reacts badly to Victorian teenagers, is easily offended by the Dutch and can cause emission of gas in Human males. Can fly helicopters.
There's not much that can be said about this one without using words like 'nubile', 'heaving', 'bouncing' or 'woodsman's daughter' but I'll try.
Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith are……No. No, that's it, I need to go and have a cold shower.
The TARDIS crew display their ball skills in this short-awaited sequel.
The Doctor and friends arrive in the London Underground to do a spot of spring cleaning and what do they find hiding amongst the dust and cobwebs? Why it's their old friend with the pervy voice and hairy minions. Journalists, geriatrics, sexists and the Welsh; stumbling around in the dark has never been so much fun.
But it's not enough. The Doctor can't sort things out on his own, he needs a hairy beastie to fight hairy beasties……
Say hello to the man with the 'tache.
A film about a bearded scientist in a hole who hits the only woman in London because an insect under a train station tells her to throw stuff at him