Ned Trek: Recent Episodes
Ned Trek
Plot Summary On their way to deliver vital medical supplies (and Ambassador Sanders) to the planet Too-tough-to-feed-ya 2, The Free Enterprise crew makes the fatal mistake of putting Lt. Commander Pearl in charge of the shuttlecraft Nimrod Seven on an away mission to the Maraschino nebula sitting pointlessly in deep space. Naturally, Pearl loses his way and crashes on a hostile planet full of cheap-ass ape men with his crew of assorted mad men (and Sulu). Things get bad and things get worse, and then there’ll be some tunes.
Features 8 Big Green Songs:
(1) If You’re Listening To This
(2) Commander, I’m Dead
(3) Doctor In The House
(4) Wait For You
(5) Nimrod
(6) Neocon Captain
(7) Yo-Ho
(8) Nixon Is Saving Us All
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Epsiode: The Galileo Seven
Cast Free Enterprise Crew (non expendables):
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Special Guest Cannon Fodder:
Seb Gorka
Stephanie Q
Special Appearance By:
Ambassador Bernie Sanders
Gladston Goodstein
Plot Summary The Free Enterprise crew beam down on yet another Earth-like planet in ruins whose inhabitants have escaped into its decaying Regan Presidential library of old movies on VHS, tended by none other than fleet captain Ronald Reagan himself. Willard and Perle get sent to the caveman movie set; Ned and Sulu to an old episode of Kung Fu, and Capt. Reagan basically stumbles around in his usual fog. Some dialogue ensues and before you know it, the damn thing is over.
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode:
All Our Yesterdays
(understandably the penultimate episode of the original series)
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Special Guest Stars:
Fleet Captain Reagan (and his various duplicates)
Sheriff Rance
Various town crackers
Various cave men
Plot Summary Crippled by a recent space disaster (one worse than this show), Ned’s former commander Fleet Captain Reagan and the entire Free Enterprise crew are diverted to the forbidden planet Taxus Four in a muddled attempt to get some value out of a failed original pilot. Ned cleverly contrives a series of melodramatic court martial scenes in which the entire tribunal is glued to a television set that’s playing an even lamer episode than this one.
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: The Menagerie (Parts I and II)
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentStephanie C, cannon fodder red-shirt clone
Special Guest Stars:
Fleet Captain ReaganCommodore McConnell
Crewman Stublins, survivor on Taxus 4
Crewman Greene, another survivorSheriff Gobotoing
Crewman BrewbakerCrewman Irish
Plot Summary As they attempt to rescue a group of missionaries on a far-flung Confederation outpost, the Free Enterprise Crew receive a massive dose of mysterious radiation that renders them eligible to serve as guest stars on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, thereby threatening their conservative bona fides with total destruction. A lot of dancing and singing ensues, as one might expect, not to mention some truly tasteless jokes.
Features 7 Big Green Songs: (1) Tinkerbell Neocon
(2) Fairy Dust
(3) Oklahoma Mo
(4) Space Fandango
(5) Let Me Go
(6) Potato Salad
(7) Spanking Machine
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: The Deadly Years
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentDr. Bugoato, medical officerMr. Stephanie O, Captain’s double, clone cannon fodder red shirt
Special Guest Stars:
Senator Lindsey Graham
Senator Roy Blount
Senator Bernie Sanders
Plot Summary Captain Willard loses his way and is taken under the wing of a novice demon who shows him the true meaning of Christmas: heaps of ready cash. Mr. Ned, Perle, and Doc Coburn show up at random intervals simply to disrupt the holiday mood. All in all, this is an awkward, three-legged run at a Christmas classic, adapted for audio by random passers-by.
Features 5 Big Green Songs: (1) You Can’t Do Any Thing (Fascists Again)
(2) You Asked Me How
(3) Fountainhead
(4) Christmas Without You
(5) Christmas Pearls
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: None. This is loosely based on the massively overplayed and overrated James Stewart classic, It’s a Wonderful Life.
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentDr. Bugoato, medical officer
Special Guest Stars:
Gladstone Goodstein
Lord Malthus
Paul Ryan
Bernie Sanders
Sweatshop Workers #35 and #47
Mr. Bain
Tag and Taint Romney
Ronald Reagan
Plot Summary The Free Enterprise is tasked with a mission to visit the planet Origami 5 for the purpose of compelling its inhabitants to enter into an odious status of forces agreement with the Confederation (in exchange for some worthless trinkets). The arrival of Confederation arch rivals the Kleentons prompts Captain Romney and his officers to disguise themselves as locals and …. well … the predictable humiliations ensue. Do I have to draw you a picture?
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: Errand of Mercy
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentDr. Bugoato, medical officerMr. Stephanie O, red-shirted cannonfodder clone
On the Planet Origami 5:
Bugass Melktwee, Head of the Origamian Citizen’s CouncilButtlecup and Osborn, members of Origamian Citizen’s CouncilBill Kleenton, Commander of the Kleenton battle group
Carvil and Rubin, Kleenton flunkies
Introduced by Lee Majors
Plot Summary Responding to a distress call from treasure planet GOP Two, the Free Enterprise crew encounters a relentless creature bent on destroying every remaining contender for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. There’s a scene with a horse doing a mind meld with something that looks like a pizza … and it goes downhill from there. Lots of singing, too.
Features 8 Big Green Songs: (1) Say Can You Fear
(2) Romney And You Know It
(3) Down In The Polls
(4) Herr Mr. Hair
(5) You Made That Bed
(6) Demigod
(7) Hey GOP
(8) Cry For The Children
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: Devil in the Dark
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentDr. Bugoato, medical officer
Special Guest Stars:Mitch McConnellReince PriebusBobby JindahlGeorge PatakiMarco Rubio
Introduced by Lee Majors
Plot Summary The Free Enterprise is stopped in space and held captive, once again, by an extraterrestrial Carl Sagan, who dons his school master’s cap to take on the impossible task of instructing the captured crew on the basics of science. While resistance is futile, the collective ignorance of the Confederation officers in his “class” present quite a challenge for the superhuman astrophysicist. Massively unlikely plot devices and cheap laughs ensue.
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: Who Mourns for Adonais?
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-presidentDr. Bugoato, medical officerGladstone Goodstein, ensign
Special Guest Star:Carl Sagan, all-powerful science teacher
Introduced by Dr. Henry Kissinger
Plot Summary Responding to a desperately ridiculous distress call, the Free Enterprise travels to planet DoneAgain Five to find the adult members of a Confederate outpost dead. They bring the outpost’s children on board only to discover that they have joined in a diabolical patricidal conspiracy organized by a Crap-faced angel eager to advance the tikes’ right-wing political ambitions. Full of annoying juvenile banter for those who like that sort of thing.
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: And The Children Shall Lead
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Introduced by Lee Majors
On Planet Planet DoneAgain Five:
Ron Paul
Teddy Cruz
Randy Paul
Jebby Bush
Judge Robert Bork as the Crap Faced Angel
Plot Summary The crew of the Free Enterprise travels to psych ward planet Planet Crawford Two (not a typo) to deliver precious clue-giving anti-psychotic pretzels to Commodore George W. Bush, who is interned on the planet under the questionable care of Dr. Paul Wolfowitz, far from the terrestrial hoofed creatures (i.e. horses and cows) that terrify him so.
Features 7 Big Green Songs: (1) Up On The Bridge
(2) I Paint What I See
(3) Naturally
(4) Stephanie’s Song
(5) Baby Bush
(6) Jesus Has a Known Mind
(7) Real Talking Horse,
Lame Script Based On Classic Star Trek Episode: Whom Gods Destroy
Cast Free Enterprise Crew:
Willard Mittilius Romney, Captain
Mr. Ned, the talking dressage horse
Doc Tom Coburn, chief medical officer
Lt. Commander Richard Perle, chief neocon
Mr. Sulu, helmsman
Mr. Welsh, chief engineer
Dr. Bugoto, the ship’s veterinarian
The Nixon Android, automaton version of the ex-president
Stephanie K., umpteenth clone of redshirt Mr. Stephanie
On Planet Planet Crawford Two:
Commodore George W. Bush, picture painter
Dr. Paul Wolfowitz, Bush’s caretaker
Condolleeza Rice, another inmate