Real Relationship Talk: Recent Episodes
Dana Che
A marriage and relationship podcast dedicated to giving you relevant, practical, and authentic advice from a Christian perspective. Each episode is created to answer the challenges most relationships face. You will leave each episode feeling hopeful and encouraged. Join in on the conversations Dana Che and her guests have as they share their own triumphs and trials about their marriages and relationships. This podcast is for married people, those who want to be married, and those looking for love. Press play and let‘s talk about how to rebuild, renew, and restore your marriage and relationships one episode at a time.
Let’s be honest—just because we grew up and got married doesn’t mean we left our triggers at the playground. Sometimes marriage can feel like an endless game of emotional Whac-A-Mole. In today’s episode, I’m unpacking the hidden childhood triggers that sneak into our marriages, those moments when a look or a phrase sends us spiraling back—defenses up, ready to fight, flee, or freeze. But surely there's a better way.
Here’s what we dig into:
- Unpacking Childhood Baggage
We talk about why seemingly harmless comments from our spouse can unleash a flood of old wounds, and how those reactions aren’t just “sensitivity”—they’re well-worn ruts of our childhood stories. - Scarcity Mindset in Marriage
What happens when our knee-jerk belief is that there’s “not enough”—not enough love, attention, or security? I’ll confess the ways scarcity thinking creeps into my own marriage, and the choices I made, both emotional and practical, have started shifting our connection. - Faith and the Hard Work of Healing
Yep, we’re going there. I unpack where faith gets tangled up with those painful places—and why it matters. We talk about inviting God into the ugly-beautiful mess, not just the Instagrammable moments, and why radical honesty is sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do. - Steps Toward Healing—Without Pretending It’s Easy
This isn’t about quick fixes or pretending your marriage is something it’s not. We’ll get real about weariness. About losing hope. About showing up anyway and trying one more time. Because that’s where real change starts: not with grand gestures, but with brave, small choices over time.
Links & Resources:
- Take my free quiz: How Connected a Partner Are You?
- Get my new book: Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
- Recommended episode: “Unpacking Triggers, Strongholds, & Inner Healing - with Frank Meadows”
- Support the Show: Your giving makes a difference!
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In part two of this conversation on opposite sex friendships in marriage, marriage coach Sylvia Chipman and I reflect on how emotional affairs rarely begin with the intention to betray a spouse. They often develop gradually through personal conversations, frequent communication, shared experiences, and the comforting feeling of being deeply understood. A person may genuinely believe, “We’re just friends,” while unintentionally building a level of closeness that belongs within the marriage.
This is why boundaries are crucial for protecting not only your marriage but also your other friendship.
Key Takeaways:
- How to respond when your spouse expresses discomfort.
- Is preserving the friendship worth damaging your partner’s peace or weakening trust in your marriage?
- How humility tied the cords of trust and security in your marriage
- How your history, vulnerabilities, and level of trust shape the boundaries your marriage needs
- Specific boundaries you may want to employ in your relationships
This episode isn’t about living suspiciously or refusing to interact with the opposite sex. It’s about choosing wisdom. Healthy friendships require transparency, appropriate communication, and boundaries both spouses understand and respect.
Ultimately, there may not be one rule that fits every couple. The goal is not to prove that you can handle a friendship—it is to protect the intimacy, safety, and trust you are building with your spouse.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Think your relationship may be in danger of an affair? Take my confidential "Affair Quiz" here.
Learn more about Sylvia's marriage coaching here.
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
If you're married, can men and women really be just friends? It’s a question as old as time, sparking heated debates at dinner tables, in church lobbies, and—of course—in marriages. Today's episode is a sweet repeat, where I sat down with my good friend and fellow marriage coach, Sylvia Chipman, to unpack this tricky territory: Can you maintain healthy, platonic friendships with the opposite sex after you’re married? Or is it just a slippery slope?
Sylvia and I get real and raw about our own experiences—some wins, some mistakes, and lots of lessons learned in hopes that you'll guard your marriages with intention.
Key Takeaways:
- The emotional bonds that can form even if you’re not physically attracted to someone
- Why setting healthy boundaries is crucial
- How past wounds or histories of infidelity can shape your perspective on friendship with the opposite sex.
- We also discuss “situationships,” the slow burn of emotional affairs, and how to spot (and avoid) potential pitfalls in your friendships.
You'll hear practical advice on communicating with your spouse about opposite-sex friends and how to get real with yourself so that you can be real with the true purpose of your friendships.
Whether you believe it’s possible to have platonic friends in marriage or think it’s playing with fire, this episode will make you think twice about this important issue.
This episode originally aired on October 10, 2023.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Want to connect better with your spouse? Learn your "connection style" by taking my partner quiz here.
Looking for a quick but strategic guide in connecting with your spouse? Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples.
Connect with Sylvia and learn about her coaching here.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Infidelity is a word that can strike deep fear and pain into the heart of any married person. Many believe that affairs “just happen,” or that only people in miserable relationships are at risk. But as I share in today's episode, even couples with good marriages, strong commitments, and sincere love for one another can find themselves blindsided by the devastation of an affair.
Understanding how affairs happen—the real anatomy of an affair—is crucial to safeguarding your relationship.
I draw on both my own personal experiences and the biblical story of David and Bathsheba to help unpack the key stages of an affair and, more importantly, how they can be avoided.
Whether you fear an affair is brewing, are teetering on the edge yourself, or want to help protect friends and loved ones, this episode can serve as a wake-up call and a guide toward a safer, more genuine marriage.
Key Takeaways from This Episode
- Temptation Isn’t Sin: Being tempted is not a sin. We all experience temptation, but what we do next makes all the difference.
- David & Bathsheba’s Story: Using the biblical account as a backdrop, learn the steps that lead to an affair.
- Practical Advice: Boredom and idle time can open doors to temptation. Learn what to do to curb your vulnerabilities.
- There’s Always a Way Out: The episode dives into 1 Corinthians 10, reassuring you that God will always provide a way of escape when we are tempted.
- No Affair Is Worth the Cost: No good thing comes from an affair, and the path of rebuilding, though tough, can absolutely be worth it.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Is your relationship at risk for an affair? Take my free 2-minute quiz:
👉 danache.com/affairquiz
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples—with a dedicated chapter on infidelity and so much more.
Get your copy here!
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you ready to transform conflict in your marriage and cultivate a deeper partnership? I sat down with special guest David Haastrup, host of the Reconnected Marriage Partners Podcast, for his take on increasing emotional awareness/regulation and the CALM method for handling conflict.
We both share honest stories from our own marriages, including how our different upbringings shaped our expectations and how teamwork and partnership are essential for Christian couples. David dives into practical strategies for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and what it really means to “catch the moment” before things get heated.
We also explore why the early years of marriage can be so challenging and how his book, “A Couple’s First 10 Years,” can help you thrive when life throws curveballs—like cross-country moves, health crises, and raising young kids.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same old conflict cycle, or want to uncover what’s really beneath surface-level arguments, you don’t want to miss this conversation.
Key Takeaways: A CALM Approach to Conflict
Conflict is inevitable, but chaos doesn’t have to be. David introduced his practical CALM Method for handling disagreements with empathy and intention:
- Catch the moment – Develop self-awareness to recognize turning points in a conflict.
- Allow the pause – Take a breather before responding to diffuse tension.
- Lower the intensity – Use gentle words and reframe your approach to prevent escalation.
- Move toward understanding – Focus on truly hearing your partner, not just winning the argument.
This episode is full of actionable advice and personal stories about how this framework makes a difference, even when emotions run high and the household clashes (like those endless debates over the dishes!), plus more tips on emotional regulation.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Struggling in your early years of marriage or want to support friends who are? David's new book, A Couple’s First 10 Years, might be just the read you need.
Also, check out his free online webinar: “How to Stop the Argument Before It Starts" and the Reconnected Marriages Partners Podcast here.
Get my Heart-to-Heart Conversation Starters—three simple prompts to help you start difficult conversations with clarity and empathy.
Grab your copy here!
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's a topic that every married couple deals with sooner or later—conflict. If you’re married, you know that conflict comes with the territory. But there is a way to deal with it better and faster. Sometimes it shows up in the middle of family vacations, like on our recent trip to Tokyo and Guam. Sean and I found ourselves in the midst of a classic “silent treatment” scenario—cordial but emotionally iced out. Even our normally amazing vacations aren’t immune to moments like that.
Conflict can give way to anger, and if we're not careful, can erode even the best of relationships. Anger in marriage takes a lot of forms. Some of us explode, others implode and just simmer with resentment. I believe that unchecked anger is dangerous, sometimes even more so when it’s hidden. That’s why I turn to scripture, specifically Ephesians 4, which famously says “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” For me, that means not allowing anger to control me.
It doesn’t necessarily mean every single conflict needs to be solved before bed. Sometimes you need a pause, but you shouldn’t let anger fester and give the devil a foothold.
Key Takeaways:
- The “24-hour rule” in our marriage. It was actually Shaun’s idea—why, more often than not, underneath our anger is about something deeper: like feeling unheard, disrespected, or maybe just plain tired.
- The power of the pause. Instead of stewing, take time to reflect on what's actually going with you.
- Important questions to ask yourself. What am I really feeling? What triggered me?
- “I” statements to bring clarity. Share your perspective, not accusations. Be honest with your spouse—even if you don’t have all the answers yet.
Conflict doesn’t have to break connection. With a little honesty, reflection, and grace, it can actually bring you closer together.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Not sure how to bring up certain conversations? Get my "Conversation Starters when in Conflict FREE guide.
Go deeper with my interactive communication course: From Conflict to Connection.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Sharing your feelings can be vulnerable, especially if there is already conflict in your relationship. Too often, people choose to stuff their feelings, pretending all is well just to avoid conflict. The problem with that is that conflict doesn't usually just go away. It must be addressed. Originally aired in December, 2023, today's episode is one for the ages. I'm sharing four tips on how to honestly express yourself to your spouse or partner without deepening the disconnection gap or making things worse.
After you listen, you will be equipped with four ways to communicate more clearly and confidently and seek a mutual resolution for any conflict that comes your way.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE "Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict" here.
Check out my "From Conflict to Connection" e-course.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Marriage is a blessing...until it's not. Good marriages can be like heaven on earth, but bad marriages are like h, e, double hockey sticks. Whether your marriage is wonderful or wearisome, chances are you may be prioritizing it too much. How do you know if your marriage has become an idol in your life? That's what we're discussing in today's sweet repeat episode (originally aired on August 6, 2024).
Christian marriages, especially, can fall prey to marriage becoming an idol, because it seems most churches are obsessed with singles getting married, married people making marriage work, and the like. Marriage is a good thing. But there are some dangers of making your marriage or your spouse your end-all be-all.
This conversation is one we need to have more of. Listen in as I unpack how to keep your marriage first without it becoming too much of the focus of your world.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Change your language, and change your life. Download my free Speak Life Audio Affirmations here.
Go deeper and listen to my sermon, "Idols in Disguise."
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you disappointed by someone you love? Maybe your spouse let you down, a friend broke your trust, or a relationship didn't turn out the way you hoped. The truth is, every one of us has experienced the pain of unmet expectations.
In this replay episode, we're revisiting a foundational conversation about hope, because the message is just as important today as when it first aired. Disappointment has a way of settling into our hearts if we don't address it. Left unchecked, it can lead to bitterness, resentment, anger, and emotional distance in our relationships.
But there is another path.
In this episode, we'll explore how to stop avoiding the pain of disappointment, confront the truth about what hurt you, and begin the healing process through forgiveness. When we release our disappointments to God and choose forgiveness, we make room for freedom, healing, and hope to grow.
The Beauty of Forgiveness
You've probably heard the saying, "Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
While unforgiveness often feels like protection, it actually keeps us trapped in the very pain we're trying to avoid. Forgiveness doesn't excuse what happened, but it does release you from carrying the weight of the offense.
In marriage and close relationships, forgiveness isn't optional—it's essential. The people closest to us have the greatest access to our hearts, which means they also have the greatest capacity to hurt us. Yet Scripture reminds us that "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).
What Disappointment Can Teach Us
As difficult as disappointment is, God can use it to develop something powerful within us. Romans 5:3-5 teaches that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance builds character, and character produces hope.
When we learn to endure relational disappointments instead of being defined by them, we grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient. We begin to trust that God can redeem even the most painful circumstances and work them together for our good (Romans 8:28).
If you've been carrying disappointment, hurt, or unforgiveness, this conversation will encourage you to take the next step toward healing and rediscover the hope that God has for you.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn the 7 Secrets to Build a Lasting Marriage here.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
I want you to have the clarity, consistency, and cooperation you need to avoid confusion, consequences, and chaos should you decide to do an in-home separation. Navigating an in-home separation is not an easy process, but sometimes, due to financial constraints, children with special needs, or unique life circumstances, it may be the best option. As someone who is 100% pro marriage and always rooting for reconciliation, I want you to be equipped as much as possible during this challenging season.
You’ll hear me break down nine tips to have a better success rate during your in-home separation, including how to define your purpose for separating, set clear boundaries, create a timeline, and prioritize individual healing and growth. I’ll walk you through the importance of establishing communication rhythms and creating metrics to track progress, right down to dividing household responsibilities and discussing how to navigate parenting together under one roof.
I'll also talk about why crucial conversations—sometimes with the help of a therapist, coach, or pastor—are necessary if you want to give your marriage the best shot at restoration.
Whether you’re considering an in-home separation or already in the midst of one, this episode is packed with practical, faith-based advice to help you plan, communicate, and make decisions that are healthy for both you and your spouse. Don't forget—divorce isn’t your only option, and a purposeful in-home separation can be part of your journey back to each other.
Resources Mentioned During This Episode:
Ep. 406: How to Do a Separation the S.M.A.R.T Way
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples, and take your marriage from blah to better.
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In this episode, I'm sharing my step-by-step plan for navigating a marriage separation with wisdom and clarity. Separation is never something we hope for, but sometimes it can feel like the last exit before divorce. I’m covering the exact conversations you need to have before separating—from setting boundaries and making living arrangements to talking about finances, kids, and even how (and if!) to tell friends and family.
I break down why knowing your "why" behind the separation is crucial, how to communicate difficult decisions with your spouse, and the importance of having clear start and end dates (plus regular checkpoints) to help you measure progress. I also talk candidly about common mistakes couples make and share encouragement and hope for those who feel like reconciliation is impossible.
If you or someone you know is considering separation, this episode will equip you with practical tools, seasoned advice, and hope to make the process as healthy as possible.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn from other couples just like you who made it through when you get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
Episode 406: How to do Separation in Marriage the S.M.A.R.T Way
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's a subject most of us would rather avoid—but sometimes, we have to face it head-on: separation in marriage. When might it be necessary, how do you do it with purpose, and why every rough patch isn't a reason to separate.
You’ll hear me break down the three main reasons I believe separation could be warranted—adultery, abuse, and addiction—and I’ll also share why things like boredom, apathy, or just feeling weary in your marriage are not strong enough reasons to walk away. I get real about my own story, including a time when Shaun and I tried in-home separation (spoiler alert: we did it all wrong!)
I also lay out the S.M.A.R.T goals framework—yes, the same one you hear about in business or personal development—as a step-by-step, purposeful plan to help you approach separation with clarity.
I also walk you through some practical conversations you need to have if you’re considering a separation: What about the kids? How should you handle finances? What’s the deal with sex or dating during a separation?
If you’re in a spot where you’re thinking about separating from your spouse, or maybe you know someone who is, this is the episode you need to hear.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Grab my free Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict.
Pick up my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples. An excellent resource for marriages in the middle, with practical strategies to help you build a thriving marriage—even after separation.
Think your spouse might be unfaithful or in the stages of rebuilding after an affair? Download my free resource: From Heartbreak to Healing: A 12-Step Affair Recovery Checklist.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you constantly tempted to go through your spouse's phone or emails? If your partner has been unfaithful—or if you’re struggling with distrust and paranoia after betrayal—this is very normal, but is it the best way to determine when to rebuild trust?
A listener wrote in asking this very question as she shared her struggle after infidelity. Even after her husband’s affair, she finds herself obsessively checking his phone, car, and emails, desperately searching for signs he’s being truthful. In this episode, I'm tackling why these behaviors can be re-traumatizing, how they keep you stuck in a cycle of mistrust, and what it really takes to break free.
Key Takeaways:
- The difference between being truly concerned and just feeling paranoid
- Why going through your spouse’s phone becomes an addiction after infidelity
- How to stop the cycle of self-betrayal and reclaim your peace
- The vital role of prayer and trusting God when you can’t trust your spouse
- My proven formula for rebuilding trust: good behavior over time
- Ways to give both yourself and your spouse grace during the healing process
If you find yourself wrestling with trust after an affair, or if you just can’t seem to move past the hurt, this episode will give you hope and tools to move forward. I’m also inviting you to write in your own marriage questions—your story matters and you’re not alone!
Have a question? Email me at info@danache.com, and I might answer it in an upcoming show!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more and get started with my Infidelity Intensive course.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Ever wonder why you keep having the same fights about money, the kids, or even just feeling ignored? My guest, marriage therapist and Christian wives coach Beatriz Vargas says there are five core questions behind every argument in marriage.
Borrowing from renowned attachment-theory expert Sue Johnson's model, these questions can transform even the most hopeless-feeling, disconnected relationships. Beatriz explains how knowing these questions beforehand is a game-changer, and she also shares her powerful personal story of walking through marital struggle, separation, and ultimately, restoration.
Beatriz and I break down how every marital conflict, big or small, boils down to one of five foundational questions every spouse is asking—often without even realizing it.
We’re talking:
- Why feeling valued, needed, and cherished is non-negotiable for a healthy marriage
- How to recognize and break free from the “roommate syndrome” so many couples fall into
- The role of prayer and honest self-reflection when things seem hopeless
- How over-spiritualizing can sometimes get us stuck—and what healthy vulnerability looks like instead
- Practical ways to talk through arguments and change the narrative in your relationship
Whether you’re the wife who feels like she’s carrying it all, or the spouse worried that you’re growing further apart, this conversation is for you. Beatriz Vargas even shares exactly where you can download the five core questions to bring these breakthrough conversations to your own marriage.
If you’re ready for real talk with real hope for rebuilding trust, connection, and love—even when it feels impossible—press play now!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Download the Five Core Questions for Every Marriage: thegracefueledwife.com/questions
- Connect with Beatriz Vargas on all platforms at The Grace Fueled Wife
- Get your copy of my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples! Available in e-book, paperback, and audiobook.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Author, speaker, and multi-generational mentor Rhonda Stoppe joins the show to discuss the challenges and joys of motherhood and share some practical lessons from her latest book about imperfect moms of the Bible. We also discuss some of our own mom struggles in hopes of encouraging you on your mothering journey. If you've ever wondered, “Am I doing this mom thing right? Is just being a mom truly enough?”—then this conversation is for you.
We unpack Rhonda’s new book, Moms of the Bible: Life-Changing Lessons from Fearless, Flawed, and Faithful Mothers in Scripture. Together, we get real about embracing motherhood as a calling rather than just a role. Rhonda shares practical wisdom on breaking generational cycles, overcoming mom guilt, and finding your identity in Christ—so you can raise your children with intention and faith without losing yourself in the process.
Listen in as we talk about:
- How to break free from generational patterns and embrace a no-regrets approach to motherhood
- Redefining ministry, purpose, and presence within your home
- The tension between pursuing your individual calling and prioritizing your family
- Modeling forgiveness, spiritual growth, and resilience for your kids—even when you've come from hurt or dysfunction
- Giving each of your children love and attention (even the “difficult” ones!) and learning from examples like Rebekah, Mary, and other moms in the Bible
- The unique beauty—and urgency—of grandparenting and building a spiritual legacy
Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, working mom, or somewhere in between, this episode will encourage you to step confidently into your mission field right at home. So lean in, and let’s rebuild us—one intentional relationship at a time.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Rhonda's book: Imperfect Moms of the Bible
Listen to Rhonda's podcast: Old Ladies Know Stuff
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
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Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you heard of the term “unequally yoked” in relationships and marriage? So many of you have reached out asking, “Is it okay for a Christian to date or marry a non-Christian?” I’m breaking down exactly what the Bible says about being unequally yoked, and sharing real talk about how this applies to dating, marriage, and even business partnerships.
I talk about why God’s commands aren’t about restricting us, but are there for our protection and blessing. If you’re already in a "mixed" marriage, I walk you through practical, biblical encouragement on how to live out your faith and how your actions—not just your words—can influence your spouse.
You’ll also hear:
- The true definition of “unequally yoked” and why it matters for Christian singles and couples
- What to do if you’re a believer married to a non-believer
- Biblical advice on “missionary dating” and why it’s rarely a good idea
- How to use spiritual discernment (and even your common sense!) when making relationship choices
- My personal story of how my husband Shaun and I navigated differences in our spiritual walk
- Encouragement for the spouse who feels alone in their faith journey
Whether you’re single, dating, married, or walking alongside a loved one in this situation, this episode will help you understand the importance of honoring God with your choices and trusting Him with your relationships.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Get the newly released audiobook for Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples!
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Finding out your spouse has been unfaithful can feel like your entire world has just shattered. I'm speaking directly to the person who is hurting, confused, and unsure of what to do next in this “best of the best” sweet repeat episode. Whether this terrible discovery is fresh or something you’ve been quietly carrying for a while, this conversation will help you take your first steps toward healing.
I'm also sharing from both sides of the story—as someone who has experienced infidelity and caused it—with compassion, clarity, and a path forward that doesn’t depend on your spouse’s readiness.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, or alone… this episode is for you.
What You’ll Hear in This Episode
- Why infidelity is more destructive than most people realize
- The truth about healing (and why it doesn’t start where most people think)
- Why jumping straight into couples or marriage counseling may not be the best first step
- The importance of focusing on your personal healing first
- Encouragement for those who haven’t told anyone yet
- How to begin moving forward—even if your spouse isn’t ready
Get help now at danache.com/infidelityintensive.
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We're celebrating our 400th episode and tackling one of the most important topics in marriage—consistency. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling like your efforts to improve your marriage aren’t working or wondered if all those small daily actions really matter, this episode is for you.
Today, I’m sharing my personal journey and my not-so-secret struggle with staying consistent—not just in my marriage, but in life! I’ll walk you through a simple, actionable framework that I created called the CARE acronym (Check-in, Affection, Reassurance, Encouragement) to help you build trust, commitment, and affection in your relationship. I’ll also give practical tips for daily connection, show you how to stay motivated when you don’t see instant results, and explain why the little things you do will eventually transform your marriage.
You’ll hear:
- Why consistency is a game-changer for marriage
- How to use 5-10 minute daily check-ins to reconnect with your spouse
- Simple ways to show affection and reassurance every single day—even if it feels awkward at first
- Real encouragement to keep planting seeds, even when it seems like nothing is changing
- How intentionality transformed my relationship with Shawn after years of inconsistency
Whether you’re newly married or have been together for decades, this episode will equip you with the tools you need to build a stronger, more secure marriage—one small, consistent step at a time. You can create the marriage you want, and I hope this milestone episode inspires you to start today!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
Ep. 394: Do You Need Help, a Hug, or Just to Be Heard? 3 Questions Show Empathy and Care
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Do you often get frustrated or maybe even sad because it seems you're the only one working on your marriage? Like, your spouse is "in it," but he/she doesn't seem to take the marriage seriously. You often feel taken for granted, or you feel like you take two steps forward and twelve steps back?
Today's episode is just what you need to hear. This is a sweet repeat (an oldie but goodie)... a listener's question that I answered live on the podcast.
My answer still holds true. And it will still work for you, too.
Why You Should Listen?
You’ll learn how to:
- Change your step in the 'marriage dance'
- Switch your focus
- Overcome frustration when nothing seems to be working
- Get a new perspective
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Is your relationship recovering from infidelity? Learn about my Infidelity Intensive here.
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As a marriage coach, I know firsthand how unspoken and unrealistic expectations can quietly sabotage even the strongest marriages. In this episode, I'm sharing practical strategies to help you define, communicate, and realign your expectations so you and your spouse can avoid unnecessary disappointment and disconnection.
We'll talk about the five most common unrealistic expectations couples face, including the beliefs that our spouse should never change, should make us happy, or should simply know what we're thinking. I share some of my own personal stories—like how my expectation for Shaun to be the spiritual leader in our home led to unnecessary disappointment and what I learned about the roots of where that specific expectation came from.
You’ll learn how to:
- Get curious together instead of assuming your way is the only way
- Stay flexible and open to growth as both you and your spouse change
- Collaborate and celebrate your unique strengths as a couple
- Let go of the pressure to change each other
- Develop a gratitude mindset for a more joyful marriage
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Get your copy of my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
Related episodes:
- Ep. 126 - How to Create a Marriage Vision
- Ep. 304 - 4 Expectations Every Marriage Should Have
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Before you get married, there are several important conversations you need to have. In this episode, I'm sharing 12 emotionally healthy questions every couple should ask before getting married. Whether you’re single, engaged, or already married and just want to build deeper intimacy with your spouse, these conversation starters will help you avoid pitfalls and create a lasting connection in your relationship.
Many people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations and without the preparation they truly need. That's why I'm walking you through twelve powerful questions designed to spark vulnerable conversations—including how to make your partner feel heard, set appropriate boundaries with friends, handle conflict, address emotional wounds, and discover your emotional health meters.
You’ll discover:
- The essential questions to identify what makes you (and your partner) feel loved, valued, and understood
- How to recognize and talk about emotionally unsafe behaviors that can sabotage connection
- The importance of knowing how you and your partner respond to hurt, stress, and burnout—and why you need to see each other at your worst as well as your best before tying the knot
- Strategies for reconnecting after conflict and not taking each other for granted
- Why sharing your dreams, emotional needs, and even moments of sadness can set the stage for greater intimacy and emotional health
I also dive into how friendship dynamics must shift when you get married (yes, even those platonic besties!) and I break down why recognizing your own patterns—and understanding your partner’s—is the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Download my free audio guide, 7 Secret Marriage Rules to Know Before I Do and After I Did
- Grab your copy of my brand new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples.
If you’re engaged, thinking about marriage, or want to refresh and deepen your connection, these 12 questions will transform the way you communicate and understand each other.
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We've all heard it said, maybe even said it ourselves—marriage is hard. It's true...marriage, like life, has its seasons. There are winters in marriage, challenging times when things feel cold and bleak. But what if we can reframe that belief? What if instead of seeing marriage as hard work, we saw it as heart work?
In this episode, I break down five reasons your marriage might feel difficult right now, and more importantly, how to fix it. Even good couples go through seasons of tension, frustration, and emotional distance but understanding the root causes of your marriage problems can change everything.
I talk about how communication breakdowns, unmet expectations, unresolved hurt, and emotional disconnection can slowly impact the health of your relationship.
If you want to strengthen your marriage, improve communication, and rebuild intimacy, this episode will help you see what might be happening and where to start.
This episode is especially helpful if you are:
- Struggling with conflict in your marriage
- Feeling emotionally disconnected from your spouse
- Trying to rebuild trust after relationship challenges
- Looking for faith-based encouragement for your marriage
Marriage can be hard at times, but so can nearly everything in life. Ultimately, life is full of choices, including choosing your hard. Maintaining self-control despite challenges or engaging in destructive behaviors are both hard in their own ways. Choose wisely.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 288: 7 Traits to Create a More Resilient Relationship
Enter to win the "100 Book Reviews Contest" for Tried and True
Get your FREE 5-Day Tried and True companion devotional here
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Have you been feeling overlooked, devalued, or unseen by your spouse? Does is feel like your marriage is running on autopilot, where someone or something else always seems to take priority over you? What do you do when you feel like you’re coming in second place in your marriage, or as I call it, “playing second fiddle.”
I open up about with wisdom straight from my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples, specifically taking you into the story of Jacob and Leah from the book of Genesis. If you’ve ever felt undervalued, overlooked, or like you just can't win your spouse’s affection—this episode is for you.
Plus, I'll unpack key conversation starters you can use to reconnect with your spouse and discuss these feelings in a healthy, constructive way. And, I’ll close out with a special prayer to cover you and your marriage.
Here’s what you’ll hear in this episode:
- What “playing second fiddle” looks like in marriage today
- Lessons from Jacob and Leah: How God values those who feel unseen
- How insecurity shows up—in-laws, kids, friends, or “ideals”
- Why your worth and purpose can’t come from your spouse alone
- Two powerful conversation starters to cultivate security and intimacy
- A prayer for healing, unity, and renewed value in your marriage
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
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Understanding how to offer meaningful support and help to those you love, especially during moments of grief or difficulty, is a skill worth learning. Let's explore the core question everyone should learn to ask: “Do you need a hug? Do you need help? Or do you need to be heard?”
After going through a painful time, I reflect on grief and the unique ways we process pain. Sometimes, the greatest support we can offer someone isn’t advice, but presence. Inspired by a coaching session with one of my clients, I learned three powerful questions that have shaped the way I communicate and the ways in which I offer help. You're going to love this one.
The Money Question
When someone you love is hurting, pause and ask:
- Do you need a hug?
- Do you need help?
- Do you need to be heard?
This question helps break down emotional barriers and lets your partner, friend, or family member know you’re there for them in the way they need, not just in the way you want to give.
Episode Highlights:
- Hugs: Hugs are healing. There is power in a simple embrace that can build connection and foster safety, sometimes more than words ever could.
- Help: Offering help is about respecting boundaries and waiting until your loved one is ready for advice. Ask before you jump in!
- Heard: The art of listening – not just hearing – is crucial. Learn to ask clarifying questions and listen with empathy to deepen your bond.
A Practical Affirmation:
Here's a simple affirmation you can use: “I am emotionally aware enough to help my [spouse/friend/partner] in their time of need.” Small shifts in how we communicate can make a lasting difference.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 89: “7 Tips to Become a Better Listener”
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
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Have you heard of 'ABC Dating'? It's a unique and fun way to keep date nights fresh by building each outing around a different letter of the alphabet. I'm joined in this episode by my friend and fellow marriage coach, Sylvia Chipman, as we share personal stories, lots of laughs, and practical advice on how couples can break free from relationship ruts, regardless of budget or time constraints.
From axe throwing in the backyard, to gelato and mini golf, to even tackling game nights at home, you’ll hear how intentional date night planning—even on a tight budget—can spark joy and rekindle connection in any marriage or relationship. The episode also tackles common challenges like financial limitations, busy schedules, and the importance of connecting without distractions (yes, that means putting down your phone).
Whether you’re newly married or celebrating decades together, this episode is packed with inspiration and relatable wisdom for couples hoping to reinvigorate their relationship—one letter at a time.
I truly believe dating is fuel for your marriage, so get ready for creative ideas, heartwarming stories, and lots of encouragement for rebuilding “us” in your marriage!
Key Takeaways:
Dating isn't just for new couples: Whether it’s ABC Dating or another creative approach, the message is clear: dating isn’t just for new couples. It’s a lifeline for any marriage wanting to grow
Connection must be intentional: Stay connected to your spouse through laughter, spontaneity, and teamwork
Dates don't have to cost a lot: You can have inexpensive and fun times together—times that rejuvenate your relationship and deepen your connection.
Focus on each other, not your phone: Put the phones away, leave the kids with someone you trust, and take time for each other.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about Sylvia's Thrive Marriage Coaching.
Get Dana's new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
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Do you feel disconnected or emotionally distant from your spouse? You're likely growing apart or feeling apathy in your relationship and want to know how to stop the drift. Today, I'm sharing some key insights and actionable steps to help you start rebuilding connection—even when things feel hopeless or aloof.
I’ll break down the major causes of apathy in marriage and relationships—from emotional wounding and exhaustion to fear and misunderstanding—and I’ll share practical, actionable steps to start rebuilding your connection right now. Whether you’ve taken my scientifically-backed Partner Quiz and scored “apathetically aloof,” or you simply recognize the signs of emotional detachment, you’ll find encouragement and hope in this episode.
I talk about the importance of vulnerability, having hard conversations, and the monumental power of forgiveness in making real progress. You’ll also hear how focusing on reconnection (instead of just fixing problems!) can reignite your emotional intimacy. Plus, I highlight simple resources like my online connection course, designed to fit into busy lives and help you move forward with confidence.
If you’re ready to move away from apathy and toward authentic connection, this episode will give you the tools and motivation to start. Don’t give up on your marriage—there is always a path back to hope and intimacy!
Key Takeaways:
- Apathy Isn’t the End—It’s a Symptom: If you’re feeling apathetic, it’s often the result of past wounds, exhaustion, or fear. You’re not a bad partner; you’re likely protecting yourself after being hurt.
- Someone Has to Go First: Rebuilding connection takes courage. If you’re listening, “tag, you’re it!” Initiate the conversation. Vulnerability opens the door to marital healing.
- Forgiveness & Intentionality Rekindle Relationships: Focusing on reconnecting (instead of just the problems) and practicing forgiveness can transform your relationship. Go back to the habits and rhythms that made your relationship thrive in the first place.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Take the Partner Quiz to see how connected you really are.
- Sign up for my Connection Course
- Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
Listen, share, and start rebuilding with me—because your marriage can make it!
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Valentine’s Day is almost here, and for many people, this holiday doesn’t always feel like a celebration, especially if you’re feeling disconnected or discouraged. You are definitely not alone—and this episode is packed with practical ideas you may have never considered to help you reconnect on Valentine's Day and beyond.
Here's your cheat code for making Valentine’s Day meaningful, even when times are tough:
- Lighten the Load with Laughter
- Spend Time with Your Little Loves
- Face the Elephant in the Room
- Do Something Different
- Love Anyway
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about big gifts or grand gestures. Remember, it’s the little things. The goal? Intentionally choose connection, even if it’s awkward, imperfect, or different from years before.
Which tip will YOU try this year?
Drop your answer below or DM @MrsDanaChe to share your story! Let’s make this Valentine’s Day a turning point in your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my new book: Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
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If you're focusing on fixing the emotional or relational problems in your marriage but haven't addressed your spiritual disconnection, your efforts won't go as far or last as long. In today's episode, we're getting to the heart of why so many couples struggle in their marriages.
From my experience coaching couples, I see marriage problems like poor communication or emotional distance are often symptoms of a deeper problem—spiritual disconnection. I believe marriage is about more than just connecting physically or emotionally; it requires an ongoing, strong spiritual bond as well.
There are three main ways we connect in marriage:
- Physical connection - good, but it isn’t strong enough to sustain a marriage.
- Emotional connection - better, but still incomplete
- Spiritual connection - best...the truest foundation that brings the deepest unity
In order to close the emotional gap in your marriage, you have to build a stronger foundation than feelings alone.
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding the cross and how marriage is a reflection of God
- How personal responsibility allows you to become more resilient through trials
- Becoming aware of how distractions keep you away from your real power
- The triangle analogy and why growing closer to God automatically grows you closer to your spouse
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer
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Do you sometimes struggle with how to pray for your marriage? In today’s episode, I’m breaking down the five powerful ways you can cover your marriage in prayer—and how to actually pray with confidence, intention, and results. Whether you're a seasoned prayer warrior or just starting out, you’ll leave with a super-practical template that makes praying for your spouse simple and heartfelt.
In today’s “sweet repeat,” I guide you through the acronym COVER: Compassion, Oneness, Vigor, Expectation, and Readiness, and show you how to apply each one as you pray over your relationship. Get ready to move beyond the typical “help my spouse have a good day” and into deeper, more meaningful prayers that can transform your connection.
Key Takeaways:
- Why prayer is essential for your marriage: It’s not just about doing all the right things or attending another marriage conference, but about inviting God to truly work in your relationship.
- How COMPASSION sets the tone: Start from a place of humility and empathy, not judgment or resentment.
- The power of ONENESS: Discover how unity in marriage is a living witness to the world and why praying for oneness is so important.
- Why VIGOR matters: Bring energy, enthusiasm, and genuine effort into your prayers, even when you feel weary.
- Praying with EXPECTATION: Approach God believing He hears you and wants to respond to your faith-filled prayers.
- The importance of READINESS: Prayer isn’t a monologue; prepare to hear from God—and be open to what He might ask you to do!
I’ll also share practical prayer topics—like unity, wisdom, protection, strength, resilience, and peace—to help you get started or go deeper in your prayer life.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
My brand new book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples, is available now! Visit triedandtruemarriagebook.com to grab your copy and get the FREE 5-Day devotional to start you on the right foundation.
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It's story time! Come and listen to how an ancient story about Deborah the judge can teach us to break free from traditional gender roles and society's expectations. I’m excited to share an excerpt from my brand-new book, “Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples,” which highlights Deborah's incredible leadership, her secure identity in God, and her husband Lappidoth's quiet strength and support.
Key Takeaways:
- Why women are NOT second-class citizens in God’s kingdom and how our calling matters
- How men can champion their wife’s gifts and leadership without comparison and competition
- Practical tips on honoring one another’s unique roles, shaking off cultural pressures, and letting your relationships be Spirit-led.
Why You Should Listen: This episode isn’t just for those struggling with gender roles in marriage—it’s an invitation for everyone to reflect on what God has called YOU to do. If you’ve ever felt pressured to fit a certain template or questioned your role, you’ll find comfort, inspiration, and practical encouragement here.
Quick Links:
- Pre-order the book: Triedandtruemarriagebook.com
Purposeful Quote:
“We were created equal in the sight of God. The irrevocable call of God applies to women and men alike.” – Dana Che
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Do you feel emotionally safe in your marriage? Because many couples do not. Emotional connection in marriage isn't just a “nice to have,” but truly a foundational priority for every relationship. Drawing from chapter one of my newest book, Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples, I explore the original couple from the Bible, Adam and Eve, and what their story teaches us about shame, emotional safety, and intimacy.
I walk you through the real reason emotional disconnection happens—even in marriages that appear “just fine” on the outside. Sometimes it’s not a crisis or trauma, but a subtle emotional chasm that grows over time because of unaddressed issues like shame, self-protection, defensiveness, harsh communication, and even minimizing feelings. I share practical, actionable advice—five things to watch for that break down emotional safety, and five intentional ways you can rebuild trust, openness, and genuine intimacy with your spouse.
Key Takeaways:
- Why emotional connectivity is a marriage requirement, not a bonus
- The key differences between boundaries and emotional walls
- How both men and women have a critical need for emotional safety (and why men may keep their guard up)
- The “big five” behaviors that damage emotional safety—including harsh words, defensiveness, minimizing, unforgiveness, and judgment
- Simple but powerful tips to rebuild emotional safety: listening well, asking thoughtful questions, affirming your spouse, and always focusing on your love
- Straightforward actions you can take today—even without a marriage coach—to move your relationship from disconnected to deeply connected
If you’ve ever felt a disconnect in your marriage—even if everything looks good on the outside—this episode is for you. I’m sharing honest reflections, practical advice, and biblical wisdom to help you rebuild emotional safety, intimacy, and lasting connection with your spouse.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more and pre-order my new book, Tried and True
How Your Attachment Style Affects Emotional Connection
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Be sure to subscribe, share this episode with someone who needs it, and pre-order Tried and True at danache.com/triedandtrue to learn even more ways to strengthen your marriage from the inside out!
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What do diamonds, pearls, and gold have in common? They must all endure pressure and irritants to produce what is precious. The truth is that in marriage and in life, we most often grow through our pain and our trials, not our successes. The pressure is meant to forge a greater purpose in you. When you trust the process, you realize it is producing in you something that far outweighs anything you can imagine.
This episode is for anyone who has ever felt like God has abandoned you or left you in your pain too long. It's also deeply encouraging for marriages and will help you to see beyond your problems and reframe your pain.
If you’re feeling tension, loneliness, or just wondering why marriage has to be so hard, allow this episode to lift you. Learn how to trust the process God is working in your life and how to discover the greater purpose behind your pain. Plus, I share encouragement from Scripture, practical ways to shift your perspective, and why surrender is the key to breakthrough.
Key Takeaways:
- Pressure reveals our hidden potential.
- Process is what helps us to learn how to trust what we can't always see
- Purpose makes it all worth it
My new book is set to release on January 15! Get Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples wherever books are sold!
Tried and True is a marriage guide for couples facing pressure—disappointment, unmet expectations, seasons of delay, or conflict. Drawing from twelve flawed biblical couples, this book helps you understand what your trials are revealing—and how God can use them to strengthen your covenant and your connection.
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From unmet expectations to trust issues and loneliness in marriage, this episode exposes eight conversations you're likely avoiding in your marriage and how it's causing the disconnection gap to widen. I open up with a personal story about my own struggles with fear and avoidance (including a wild trip to the urgent care!), and how these emotions often hold us back from tackling topics that really matter.
The Conversations You're Likely Avoiding in Your Marriage:
- Unmet Expectations: Many couples never openly discuss what they thought marriage would look like—and how reality has shifted those expectations.
- Resentment: Sometimes prayer isn’t enough if you’re still nursing bitterness, unforgiveness, or past hurts. You can’t heal what you refuse to acknowledge.
- Boundaries: Every relationship needs boundaries—even healthy ones. Yet many avoid discussing what’s acceptable, what’s not, and where limits should be set.
- Disappointments: Small disappointments can quietly unravel intimacy if left unspoken. Instead of confronting them, we let them fester.
- Loneliness in Marriage: There’s no lonelier place than a disconnected marriage, but admitting this vulnerability is often avoided.
- Trust Issues: Especially after betrayal or big mistakes, couples might choose not to re-visit trust conversations for fear of reopening wounds or “rocking the boat.”
- Conversations About the Future: Many avoid talking about end-of-life issues, financial planning, retirement, and other future-focused topics.
- Celebrating Wins: Sometimes, couples even avoid sharing their successes if there’s secret competition or fear of triggering jealousy.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
My new book is set to release on January 15! Get Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples wherever books are sold!
Get my FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Get your FREE 5-Day Tried and True Devotional in anticipation of my new book release!
Other helpful Rebuilding Us podcast episodes:
5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
How to Approach Difficult Conversations with Confidence
When Marriage is Harder than You Ever Expected
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
If you’ve found yourself disappointed, grieving unmet expectations, or questioning whether your relationship is supposed to feel this tough, you're not alone. It's a struggle that many couples face but rarely talk about openly—what to do when marriage is much harder than you ever expected.
Plenty of couples walk down the aisle brimming with hope and expectation. After all, we’re conditioned to, right? The advice pours in from all sides before the big day: “Marriage takes work!” “There will be hard times!” But few truly believe the hard times will come for them. Most of us believe we’re the exceptions.
But disappointment is “part of the package” of marriage. It’s not pessimism—it’s reality. So, what DO you do with disappointment? Pretending everything is fine isn’t the answer. Nor is simply waiting for time to heal all wounds. Deliberate action is required to address and heal those emotional wounds.
Key Takeaways:
- Expect Drifting—and Intentionally Fight It
- Don’t Lower Your Expectations. Negotiate Them.
- When You Marry the “Wrong Person” (Or So You Think)
- Pressure Reveals, It Doesn’t Destroy
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
My new book is set to release on January 15! Get Tried and True: Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples wherever books are sold!
For those who want to go deeper, get the free 5-day devotional companion to Tried and True, designed to help struggling couples reflect and reconnect.
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I’m joined by my husband, Shaun, to discuss the sometimes complicated world of gift-giving in a relationship. If you’ve ever found yourself debating with your spouse or partner over how much money you spend on gifts, how much is “too much,” or how to honor each other's money habits, this conversation is for you.
Shaun and I get real about our different financial personalities—me as the frugal saver who values experiences over things, and Shaun as the generous giver who believes in creating smiles through thoughtful presents. We share how our upbringings shaped these perspectives and how they lead to “spirited” conversations around the holidays, birthdays, and everyday giving.
Key Takeaways:
- Value and respect each other’s approach to giving
- Don’t go into debt for holiday gifts—find ways to bless your loved ones within your means
- Set a simple holiday budget or gift limit to relieve stress
- Recognize when old money stories (like scarcity thinking) are influencing your present
- Focus on connection—sometimes a heartfelt note means more than any wrapped package
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
My new book, Tried and True, is releasing in January 2026! Get on the list to get your FREE 5-day devotional companion at danache.com/triedandtrue.
Still looking for simple ways to build connection with your mate? Get my "Ultimate Couple's Playbook" here.
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's the most wonderful time of the year—unless your relationship is in trouble. We're taking an honest look at how affection can ebb and flow in your relationship—especially during busy seasons like the holidays. Whether you consider yourself naturally affectionate or not, you'll learn why intentionally nurturing closeness matters for every couple. We're discussing real-life reasons affection can dip, ranging from plain old busyness and fatigue to unresolved wounds and letting family drama in. Plus, you'll hear practical tips to help your relationship not only avoid these "affection dips," but actually grow stronger and more connected in your marriage or relationship—no matter what time of year it is.
Key Highlights:
- Why Affection Dips
- Signs You’re Losing Connection
- Intentional Steps for Growth
- Forgiveness & Healing
- Family Drama & External Voices
Resources Mentioned:
- Ultimate Couples Guide
Get practical tools to strengthen your relationship: danache.com/ultimatecouple - Infidelity Intensive
Are you dealing with infidelity in your relationship? Get the help you need to recover from betrayal: danache.com/infidelityintensive - Episode on Forgiveness:
A step-by-step guide inspired by Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu’s “The Book of Forgiving.” Find the episode at Episode 150.
Listener Review Spotlight:
A longtime listener shares her thoughts on how the Rebuilding Us podcast has helped her and her husband to have more direct and meaningful conversations.
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you struggling with bouncing back after hardship? Are you often tempted to quit things when they get hard? This episode highlights the critical role of resilience in relationships and personal growth. Resilience isn't just about enduring hardships but also becoming stronger because of them. I introduce the 'Seven Cs of Resilience,' which include competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. Listen in as I share personal anecdotes and biblical references to show you how resilience can be developed and applied in various aspects of life, particularly in marriage and relationships. Finally, this episode concludes with a prayer for those struggling to embrace resilience in their lives.
Takeaways
- Resilience is essential for thriving relationships.
- Resilience can be built through overcoming hardships.
- How resilience builds character
- Why authentic connection with others strengthens resilience
- Why resilience is a learned skill, not an innate trait
This episode previously ran in October 2024.
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Gratitude isn’t just for the easy, feel-good times in your marriage. In this episode, we discuss how to practice real thankfulness—especially when things feel tense, unresolved, or even painful—and some simple, down-to-earth ways to reframe complaints into thanks and spot those tiny moments of hope. If you and your spouse are feeling disconnected or just need a little perspective shift, you’ll find encouragement and super practical advice to help you rebuild, reconnect, and start seeing the good even when life gets messy.
Key Takeaways:
- Real vs. Superficial Gratitude:
Gratitude is more than mere positivity or “Instagram thankfulness.” Find gratitude that heals. - Why Gratitude Matters in Hard Seasons:
Even when it feels like your relationship is "a dumpster fire,” you can intentionally seek out the little things worthy of appreciation. - Complaints Reveal Needs:
Instead of shaming negative feelings, complaints often signal unmet emotional needs. - A Practical Reframing Exercise:
A step-by-step practice to move from complaints to gratitude
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Take the How Connected Are You? Partner Quiz
- Need marriage coaching? Join Covenant Connections
- Heal from betrayal with my Infidelity Intensive Program
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
I know prn isn't a topic that we like to discuss. It brings guilt, embarrassment, pain, and shame. But it's a topic we MUST discuss if we want to have authentic and whole relationships. Parents, your kids are looking at it. Wives, your husbands have it on their phones. Husbands, your wives are secretly into it. Of course, not all, but the numbers are staggering within* both faith-based and secular realms. So we're talking about it.
I invited Sathiya Sam back on the podcast (he was a guest four years ago) because he's the real deal. He's got a personal story of being chained to p*rn for many years before he finally got free. And so can you (or the person you love). Parents, listen to this conversation with your children (both boys and girls!) I'll be listening to it with mine. Together, we can bring this conversation out of the dark and into the light so all who want freedom can get free.
Sathiya shares his personal journey and insights on healing from shame and building emotional regulation. Though women engage in prn too, Sathiya feels a burden for men, and so together, we unpack the root causes behind the struggles that affect men, women, and the impact on marriages and families. Sathiya also shares practical steps for how to have open communication both at home and in faith communities. Listeners will find hope, resources, and real-world strategies for supporting themselves and loved ones in breaking free from prn and restoring authentic connection in their relationships.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Man Within Podcast:
Find over 1,000 episodes of practical insights for men at Man Within Podcast. - Free Book – The Last Relapse:
Get Sathiya Sam's free book and learn more about the Deep Clean system at thelastrelapsebook.com. - How Connected Are You? Partner Quiz:
Dana Che's free resource to gauge connectivity in your relationship: danache.com/partnerquiz. - Recover from Infidelity
Learn about Dana Che's program, Infidelity Intensive.
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In this special episode, you'll learn how to heal your broken heart and rebuild your marriage after infidelity. Many affair-recovery programs are run by those who never experienced infidelity first-hand. Not this one. I share candidly and compassionately our story of how infidelity ransacked our marriage and how we overcame it. If you're feeling embarrassed, ashamed, isolated, or abandoned, you don't have to be. You need a guide to get to where you want to go. I am your guide. Infidelity Intensive is your solution.
Learn more about Infidelity Intensive and get started today at danache.com/infidelityintensive.
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Brenda Kennison is back for part two, diving deeper into her remarkable journey of transformation. After hitting rock bottom in the public eye, Brenda rewired her mindset and found true freedom from alcoholism, another failed marriage, and depression. Brenda shares how neuroplasticity and faith worked together to reshape her emotional and spiritual health, shifting her from toxic cycles to a place of healing and healthy relationships.
Discover how changing your thoughts really can change your life, especially within your relationships and marriage. You’ll hear practical steps for rewiring the brain, building healthy habits, and breaking free from damaging labels and generational patterns. Plus, Brenda gets real about her own journey through multiple marriages, finding lasting love, and becoming a champion for emotional and spiritual transformation.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward real change, this episode will give you the inspiration and tools you need. Dive in for a raw and encouraging conversation about what’s possible when you allow God and practical mindset work to reshape your story!
What You’ll Hear In This Episode:
- Is Alcoholism a Disease?
Brenda Kennison shares why she no longer views alcoholism as a disease, and how shifting this perspective empowered her to break free from addiction. - The Power of Neuroplasticity and Scripture:
Brenda explains how neuroscience and spiritual truth come together to help rewire the brain. Discover practical ways to “take every thought captive.” - Marriage, Divorce, and Personal Growth:
Learn how Brenda’s struggle with perfectionism, shame, and unhealed wounds deeply impacted her first three marriages. - How Unhealed Thoughts Impact Relationships:
Brenda offers a practical exercise to help listeners identify how they are currently “showing up” in life: through emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, and perspectives. - Building a Better Marriage Through Communication:
Hear how Brenda and her husband learned to communicate across their differences and love each other according to their unique love languages. - Practical Steps to Rewire Your Brain:
Get Brenda’s three-step process of awareness, action, and accountability to transform negative thinking and habits.
Resources Mentioned:
- Day One of Sobriety Podcast & Ministry – dayoneofsobriety.org
- How Connected Are You? Partner Quiz by Dana Che
- Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages
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Brenda Kennison is a certified neuro cycle facilitator and founder of Day One of Sobriety Ministries. She shared her raw, powerful journey from rock bottom—battling addiction, depression, a foiled suicide attempt, and the pain of divorce—to discovering hope, healing, and transformation through science and faith. Brenda Kennison’s story is a reminder that our lowest moments can become the launching pad for lasting change. If you’re ready to renew your mind and rebuild your life, you don’t want to miss this episode!
Key Highlights
- Resilience After Rock Bottom
Brenda shares how being publicly exposed and humiliated drove her to seek the help she desperately needed and began her healing journey. - Cultural Stigmas & Seeking Help
Brenda’s story reveals the deep stigmas around addiction, especially for educators, and the importance of honest conversations and community support. - Faith Meets Brain Science
The intersection of biblical truth and neuroscience became Brenda’s pathway to true and lasting transformation, challenging the lie that mental health struggles are an unchangeable destiny. - The Power of Community
Brenda credits a loving church community and a pivotal friend (Becky) whose prayers literally helped save her life, emphasizing that transformation requires surrounding yourself with people who see and support you. - Redefining Sobriety
Brenda expands the definition of sobriety, describing it as a “calm, sound, and disciplined mind rooted in Christ,” inviting listeners to pursue wholeness even if addiction isn’t their specific battle. - Generational Healing & Legacy
The conversation touches on breaking generational cycles, finding worth beyond achievement, and providing emotional stability for the next generation.
Resources Mentioned
Brenda’s Website & Podcast: dayoneofsobriety.org
Take the "How Connected Are You as a Partner" Quiz
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Bestselling author and comedian KevonStage and his wife, Melissa, hosted a podcast called Marriage Be Hard. But what if we could make marriage easier? Marriage can be hard—but it doesn’t have to feel impossible. In today’s episode, I sat down with Arlene Pellicane, bestselling author of “Marriage Made Easier.” We dove into the real reasons why marriages struggle and discussed how putting in the right kind of effort can transform your relationship from mundane to meaningful. If you want practical, down-to-earth habits for building a joyful, lasting connection, this episode is a must-listen. Check out the full conversation for actionable ways to rebuild and strengthen your marriage, starting today!
Key Topics & Takeaways
- Finding the Joy of Marriage:
Arlene shares her own positive marriage experience and the importance of fighting for happiness, not just happiness for yourself, but as a shared mission. - Making Marriage Fun Again:
Both Arlene and I discuss how couples can rekindle fun and playfulness in their relationships, from date nights to shared hobbies—emphasizing that planned fun is spiritual and necessary. - Effort Over Easy:
Marriage isn’t just hard—it’s effort. Just like running a business, great marriages require a plan, intentionality, and regular investment. - Deciding Values in Advance:
Arlene advocates for establishing core habits early—like shared meals, device-free table time, and daily rituals—that create connection and security in both marriage and family life. - Serving When It’s One-Sided:
For those feeling alone in their effort, Arlene offers encouragement rooted in faith, reminding listeners that their unseen acts are meaningful and seen by God, even when a spouse doesn’t notice.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Connect with Arlene’s podcast, "Happy Home Podcast," and purchase her book at Marriage Made Easier
- "How Connected Are You?" Take my free and fun quiz to determine your relationship's true connection at danache.com/partnerquiz
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Forgiveness isn't just a gift you give someone else—it's the pathway to your own freedom and growth. In today's episode, I shared how deciding to forgive, even before an apology, can change everything. Forgiveness is not about forgetting the lessons; it's about moving forward—but without the sting, so that you can help others and build stronger connections.
Whether in your personal or business relationships, holding onto hurt weighs you down and keeps you stuck. But there's a better (though not always easier) way. When you choose to forgive and remember, you set a powerful example to to others of how to release the person and the hurt. Remembering your story can inspire and heal more people than you realize.
If you want some "how-to's" on forgiveness, be sure to check out these episodes:
Ep. 280 - Finding Forgiveness and the Road Back to You
Ep. 163 - Beyond Mistakes - Modeling Responsibility and the Steps of Forgiveness
Ep. 13 - The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You
More Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my 'Ultimate Couple's Checklist' to improve your marriage
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I'm in a new season of life and want to give you a life update—one that will hopefully encourage you where you are in your life. This one is a true testament to the power of dreams, faith, and perseverance. No frilly clichés here, but I'm walking you through what part of my journey has been, where I'm at now, and where I'm headed.
3 Key Takeaways:
- Don’t Lose Heart: Dreams may take years—or even decades—to come true. The seeds you’re planting today could be part of a much bigger story that unfolds over time. Stay hopeful and keep nurturing those desires.
- Embrace the Process: There’s always a journey behind every achievement. Whether in your career, relationships, or personal growth, be willing to go through the necessary steps to get to the provision, rather than just wishing for results.
- Celebrate Your Wins—Guilt-Free: It’s easy to share when things are tough, but don’t feel guilty about your blessings. When something wonderful happens, embrace it, share it, and inspire others with your story.
If you’re waiting for your breakthrough—whether it’s a new role, an opportunity, or restoration in a relationship—this episode is a timely reminder to remain patient, faithful, and proactive.
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When should you start working on your marriage? Is it when things start to feel off, or when problems become too big to ignore? Whether you’re single, engaged, newlywed, or several decades in, today's episode will leave you encouraged and equipped to invest in your most important relationship.
Key Takeaways
- Why Couples Wait Too Long: The story of “Evelyn and David”—a couple married almost 30 years before seeking help—exposing the dangers of delaying support because of perfectionism and pride.
- Signs Your Marriage Needs Work: Issues like lack of respect, trust, unresolved trauma, financial problems, and putting on appearances can hide beneath the surface for years.
- What "Doing the Work" Means: Breaking down the practical steps: daily intentionality, confronting your own baggage, setting boundaries, learning to listen, and embracing forgiveness as a way of life.
- The Power of Premarital Counseling: Why investing in healthy conversations before the ring (or at least before the wedding) can save years of pain down the road.
- Immediate Next Steps: Encouragement for every listener—single, engaged, or married—to take action today to improve your relationship.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my free Ultimate Couple's Checklist and start seeing changes in your relationship TODAY.
Get my weekly newsletter. Sign up at danache.com/email.
See Dana Che on the Hampton Roads Show!
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If you’ve ever found yourself in a marriage rut—where date nights feel forced and conversations revolve around paying bills—it’s time to look at a form of intimacy you might not be prioritizing: recreational intimacy. On the latest (and final!) episode of this intimacy series, my husband Shaun and I pull back the curtain on how couples can rekindle connection by nurturing their friendship and making space for play, laughter, and adventure together.
Key Topics Covered:
- What is Recreational Intimacy? Shaun kicks off the conversation by defining recreational intimacy as finding fun activities that couples can enjoy together.
- The Power (and Struggle) of Friendship in Marriage: We discuss our opposite personalities and preferences, emphasizing that couples don’t need to like all the same things to build a strong friendship.
- Creative (and Affordable) Date Ideas: From scavenger hunts to upcoming tips from a future guest about "date nights for cheapskates," this episode is packed with outside-the-box ways to keep dating on a budget.
- Practical Advice for Struggling Couples: For couples who feel distant or have lost their friendship, we suggest starting with the basics and pairing conversation with activities like walks or games to reduce pressure and foster connection.
- The Healing Power of Laughter: We credit humor as a “saving grace” in our 26-year marriage. Don't take things too seriously, and find ways to bring laughter and lightheartedness back into daily life.
- Tips for Parents & Busy Couples: Whether it’s finding brief moments alone while kids are at preschool or doing creative home "dates" after bedtime, the message is clear: prioritize your friendship and fun, no matter your season of life.
Quote Highlights:
“You don’t have to like the same things because you’re in a relationship. You are naturally going to have to learn to like some of the things that your spouse likes.”
“If you can laugh, you can have a friendship. Laughter can get you through the hard times.”
“Don’t allow your friendship to go because at the end of the day, your kids are going to grow up and leave, and you’re going to be left with this person.”
Resources & Links:
Download your free Intimacy Series Guide: danache.com/intimacyseries
Get your free Ultimate Couples Checklist here.
Apply for my Covenant Connections group coaching
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We're talking all about intellectual intimacy—what I like to call “brain bonding" in this episode. We spend so much time talking about emotional connection and physical intimacy in marriage, but let me tell you a secret: connecting through ideas, learning, curiosity, and thought-provoking conversations can completely change the game in your relationship.
I open up about a time I was really vulnerable in my own marriage and how an intellectual connection outside of my relationship showed me just how powerful “brain bonding” can be—both for good and for potential danger if it isn’t happening at home. I want to help you experience this kind of closeness with your spouse and see them in a whole new light.
In This Episode
- What Is Intellectual Intimacy?
I explain how intellectual intimacy is about the closeness that comes from sharing thoughts, dreams, and conversations. - Brain Bonding Quiz (Interactive Exercise):
I walk you through a quiz to help you and your spouse see where you stand in this area right now. It’s a simple scoring system that gives you a snapshot of your current “brain bond.” - Why Intellectual Intimacy Matters:
If you’ve ever felt bored or stuck in your marriage, you’re not alone! I share why keeping curiosity and deep conversations alive is crucial for staying connected and avoiding dangerous disconnects. - Barriers to Intellectual Intimacy:
We talk about the common things that get in the way—like not even knowing this kind of connection mattered, feeling intimidated, etc. - How to Build Intellectual Intimacy:
- Ask better questions. Move past “how was your day?” and get curious about your spouse’s thoughts and experiences.
- Learn something together. Whether it’s reading, listening to a podcast, or learning about a new topic, do it as a team.
- Debate respectfully. It’s okay to see things differently—what matters is how you talk about it.
-
And more
-
Your Homework:
At the end of the episode, I challenge you to: - Pick a Rebuilding Us podcast episode (or a YouTube video I’ve done!) and listen separately, then come together and talk about it.
- Ask your spouse one thoughtful, below-the-surface question this week.
Resources & Links
- Join My Group Coaching Community: danache.com/covenantconnections
- Podcast Show Notes and More: danashay.com/podcast
- Also listen to Ep. 364 - Chemistry or Intimacy?
- Get your FREE Intimacy Guide: for interactive tools to assess your intimacy
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Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage are here to help us improve our sexual intimacy! If you're ready to transform your marriage and reignite the passion, join me and this legendary duo for a candid and hope-filled conversation on sexual intimacy, healing, and how a chance "sex challenge" changed everything in their marriage.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- What REALLY builds intimacy in the bedroom (it’s not just about sex!)
- The difference between physical and sexual intimacy
- How Tony & Alisa’s famous 60-Day Sex Challenge changed their marriage—and led to a worldwide movement
- How to talk honestly about your bedroom struggles and why authenticity is the secret sauce
- Tips for being present, not perfect, in your sex life
- What to do if your marriage is going through a “sexless” phase
…and so much more!
Plus, don’t miss my real-life advice for working through resentment, getting intentional about connection, and building a marriage legacy that lasts for generations. This episode will bless couples at every stage, from newlyweds to marriage vets!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Find out your strongest intimacy pillar at onextraordinarymarriage.com/quiz.
Purchase the 6 Pillars of Intimacy book
Download my FREE Intimacy Series guide here.
Learn more about my marriage group "Covenant Connections" here.
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone you can’t ignore if you’re on a journey to deeper, more authentic relationships—whether in your marriage, friendships, or even workplace. We're joined in this episode by psychotherapist and author Jessica Baum to discuss attachment styles. This is a goldmine for anyone who craves real connection or wonders why emotional closeness sometimes feels out of reach.
Let’s dig into the episode’s biggest insights, actionable takeaways, and why understanding your attachment style might be the key to transforming your relationships for good.
Key Takeaways:
- What is Emotional Intimacy?
- Intro to Attachment Theory
- Can You Change Your Attachment Style
- Intensity vs. Intimacy
- The Importance of Emotional Presence
Resources Mentioned:
Jessica's Free "Attachment Blueprint" and link to her new book: SAFE.
Dana Che's Free Intimacy Series Guide to create more intimacy in your relationships.
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Former NLF player turned church pastor, Derwin Gray, and his beautiful wife, Vicki, share wisdom drawn from over 33 years of marriage, their journey from a lopsided spiritual partnership to unified faith, and practical ways couples can cultivate deep spiritual intimacy—no matter their starting point.
Notable Quotes
- Derwin: “Intimacy is ‘into me, you see.’ … It’s a position of vulnerability. … The blood of Jesus either declares me righteous or it doesn’t. That frees me to be able to give myself to my wife.”
- Vicki: “Letting Jesus change you—that’s what’s going to draw your spouse … learning to just ‘be’ with Jesus and trust Him to reflect light through you.”
- Dana Che: “If your security isn’t rooted in Christ, you look at your spouse as an enemy, instead of the helper they were created to be.”
Resources Mentioned
- Get Derwin's Book: Lit Up With Love by Dr. Derwin Gray
- Get your FREE Intimacy Series Guide here.
- Register for the upcoming online "Marriage Reset" Workshop
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Whether you've been married for decades or are just starting out, this episode will help you understand intimacy in all its facets (beyond the bedroom) and how to cultivate the kind of deep connection that produces positive fruit in your relationship.
Key Takeaways:
- Defining Intimacy: My personal definition—“being fully known and knowing fully”—plus learn the biblical and practical roots of true intimacy.
- Vulnerability and Trust: Why being “naked and unashamed” goes beyond just the physical, and why you can’t have true vulnerability without trust.
- Common Misconceptions: We're busting myths about intimacy—it's not just about sex, titles, or knowing trivia about your spouse.
- The 5 Types of Intimacy:
- Spiritual Intimacy: The highest form of connection, involving shared values, faith, and worldview. Learn how to deepen spiritual intimacy even if you and your spouse don’t agree on everything spiritual.
- Emotional Intimacy: Building trust through sharing feelings, vulnerability, and honest communication.
- Physical Intimacy: More than sex! This is about affectionate touch and physical closeness that isn’t always sexual.
- Intellectual Intimacy: Connecting through shared ideas, learning, and stimulating conversation—even if your interests differ.
-
Recreational Intimacy: Having fun together and sharing leisure activities to keep the spark alive.
-
Practical Homework: Strengthen two areas this week: spiritual intimacy (Hint: ask your spouse how to improve it), and recreational intimacy (Do something fun together).
Resources & Links
- Get Your Free Intimacy Series Guide: Self-checks, assessments, and tips to help you and your spouse deepen your connection.
- Related Content:
- What to Do When Your Husband Does Not Lead Spiritually (YouTube Video)
- Episodes on sexless marriages YouTube + Podcast episode
Key Quotes
- “Intimacy is being fully known and knowing fully.”
- “You can’t have vulnerability without trust.”
- “Being a Christian doesn’t guarantee spiritual intimacy—shared values and open communication do.”
- “Physical intimacy is more than sex. Even long hugs or holding hands matter.”
- “Don’t forget to have FUN in your marriage!”
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We've all been given some bad marriage advice from well-meaning folks. But what if that bad marriage advice is ruining your intimacy? My guest, Monica Tanner, and I discuss what helpful marriage advice couples should focus on instead. Monica shares wisdom from her upcoming book, Bad Marriage Advice, and how this relates to intimacy. Let's stop the crazy cycle and lean into the hard truths and practical steps needed to create lasting intimacy and connection in marriage.
Key Takeaways:
- Bad Marriage Advice (And Why It Backfires):
You'll laugh and commiserate about the terrible marriage clichés we’ve all heard—like "happy wife, happy life," "don’t go to bed angry," and more. - The Power of the Pause:
The wisdom of taking a break during heated moments instead of forcing a late-night resolution. - Intimacy Isn’t Automatic—It’s Cultivated:
Intimacy was not always present in our marriages and has required time, personal growth, and intentionality to develop. - Debunking the “You’ve Changed” Myth:
Change is natural. The key is staying curious and engaged with your partner’s growth rather than resenting natural changes. - From Lazy Communication to Loving Curiosity:
You just have to listen to this one to grab the nuggets - Collaboration Over Compromise:
Using real-life examples, Monica and Dana model what it looks like to approach differences (early bird/night owl dynamics, for instance) with teamwork rather than resentment or forced compromise.
Quotable Moments:
- “At the root of all the bad marriage advice is lazy communication.” – Monica Tanner
- “There is no greater investment of your time than building a marriage that is healthy and whole.” – Dana Che
Resources Mentioned:
- Monica Tanner’s Website & Book Info: monicatanner.com
- Dana Che’s Free Intimacy Series Guide: danache.com/intimacyseries
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Is it chemistry or intimacy that keeps a relationship going strong? In today's episode, we discuss how chemistry gets you in the door, but intimacy is what keeps you in the room. When I first started dating my husband, it was electric: the butterflies, the late-night talks, the “I can’t stop thinking about you” feeling. We used to talk on the phone until we literally fell asleep listening to each other breathe! (Does anyone still do that these days?) Back then, I felt on top of the world. But was it love… or just chemistry?
Here’s the truth: that exhilarating rush draws you together, but it doesn’t always last—and it’s not the whole picture. Too many relationships end too early because people are yearning for chemistry alone.
In today's episode, we're discussing the essential differences—and connections—between chemistry and intimacy in marriage. I'll explain why a thriving relationship needs both the “fireworks” of chemistry and the “slow burn” of true intimacy, and I'll share practical steps to nurture both qualities in your relationship.
Key Takeaways:
- Chemistry vs. Intimacy:
Chemistry brings excitement and passion at the start of a relationship, but lasting intimacy is built through emotional safety, vulnerability, and being truly seen and loved. -
The Intimacy Framework:
My four-quadrant model to pinpoint where your relationship stands:- High Chemistry / High Intimacy (the marriage sweet spot)
- High Chemistry / Low Intimacy (fun but fragile)
- Low Chemistry / High Intimacy (roommate syndrome)
- Low Chemistry / Low Intimacy (running on empty)
- Common Myths Debunked:- Myth #1: Chemistry automatically leads to intimacy.
- Myth #2: Chemistry, once lost, can’t be revived.
- Myth #3: Intimacy is just about s*x
This Episode's Free Resource:
Each episode in this series offers a free resource to grow your intimacy!
Download this week’s guide: Chemistry vs Intimacy Self-Check here!
Follow Dana Che on the socials where you can get shareable quotes about each episode!
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Do you freeze up or shut down when it’s time to have hard conversations? Maybe you avoid conflict altogether because you’re afraid of making things worse. In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to stop running from relational tension and start communicating with confidence—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Avoiding conflict might feel safe in the moment, but over time, it damages connection, fuels resentment, and creates distance in your relationship. I’ll share how you can shift from conflict avoidance to confident communication using practical tools that build emotional safety and mutual respect.
Whether you’re naturally more passive or you’re just tired of having the same arguments over and over again, this episode will help you develop the courage and clarity you need to address issues in a healthy way.
💬 What You’ll Learn:
- Why avoiding conflict is actually more harmful than conflict itself
- Common reasons we fear confrontation and how to overcome them
- How the way we were raised plays a significant role in how we handle conflict
- How to communicate confidently without being combative
- A simple framework to approach hard conversations with grace and truth
Resources Mentioned:
Get Your FREE "Conversation Starters When Facing Conflict" Guide Here!
💡 Connect & follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
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Move over, stereotypes! Yes, it's a fact that men and women communicate differently. However, not all gender communication styles are the same. Joining us is my husband, Shaun, who, in his own special way, helps to explain the differences in how men and women communicate. If you're having a bad day, this episode is sure to cheer you up. Plus, you'll learn a lot in the process, like . . .
- Which gender prefers details over the other
- The difference between facts and feelings
- Why men don't open up about their feelings
- How feedback helps build connection in relationships
- What women are really asking when they make small talk
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Communication 101 Podcast Playlist here!
Want to grow into the "Ultimate Couple"? This FREE Checklist will guide you there.
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Here’s the hard truth: most of us are not good listeners, even though we think we are. In today’s episode, you’ll learn seven tips on becoming a better listener and how to encourage your people to do the same. Communication doesn't have to go wild! The good news is that with a few tweaks, anyone can become a better listener and have more mutually beneficial conversations with those they care about.
Here's some of what you'll glean from this episode:
🔎 Key Points & Topics:
✅ How to listen with your eyes
✅ How to listen for feelings, not just facts
✅ The science behind why we don't listen well
✅ The importance of empathy in listening
And much more! Happy listening! (Pun intended!)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters When in Conflict here.
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Today's episode is like a master's course on communication in relationships. We're breaking down Dr. John Gottman’s famous concept of the “Four Horsemen” — four destructive communication habits that can quietly ruin even the strongest relationships if left unchecked.
Drawing inspiration from the dramatic imagery of the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Gottman identifies Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling as the signs that a relationship is headed for disaster. But here’s the good news: each horseman has an antidote — and today, I’ll show you exactly how to use them.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in repetitive conflicts, silent stand-offs, or resentment, this episode is your roadmap to break the cycle and rebuild trust, respect, and connection — one conversation at a time.
Key Takeaways:
✅ The Four Horsemen explained: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling
✅ How to recognize them in your marriage or relationship
✅ Proven antidotes to each destructive habit
✅ Encouragement to transform conflict into connection
🔗 Resources Mentioned:
- Dr. John Gottman’s research on the Four Horsemen
- Free guide: How to Become "The Ultimate Couple"
- Related episode: It’s Not You, It’s Me — The Power of “I” Statements
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Whether you're a pro at giving the silent treatment or feel hurt by your partner's silence, I'm going to show you how silence can truly be golden in your relationship and how the silent treatment will further damage it. We're unpacking six healthier alternatives to the silent treatment. Rather than withdrawing, learn practical tools to address conflict effectively and foster more connected relationships.
This episode is perfect for anyone who wants to
- Boost your relationship skills
- Navigate conflict in personal or professional relationships.
- Build a deeper connection by learning to replace emotionally harmful silence with empathy and understanding.
- Take practical action with clear, step‑by‑step communication tools you can apply today.
🔑 Key Takeaways
-
Understanding the silent treatment
- Why it’s often used, what emotional messages it conveys, and how it can unintentionally damage trust.
-
Six constructive alternatives:
-
Insightful strategies and real‑life scenarios that guide listeners toward empathy and resolution.
-
Practical communication tools:
-
Actionable techniques to diffuse tension, express needs, and maintain connection.
-
Real-world examples and role play:
-
Breakdown of typical relationship conflicts and how these alternatives can be applied
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict Guide Here!
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
YouTube
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How does it feel when someone shifts the blame for their behavior to you? No bueno, right? In today's episode, we're discussing the power of "I statements" and how they help us to stop pointing fingers and tell our partners about US, not them. Most people have never learned the tools of good communication, so they make accusations, abdicate responsibility for their feelings and/or choices, and incorrectly assign a motive to their partner’s behaviors. But, oh, friends, there is a much better way. Learning how to use “I statements” is not only an effective conflict resolution skill but gives your partner an inside look at the real you: what you’re thinking and feeling . . . and why you behave the way you do.
This episode originally aired in April 2022 and has been slightly edited for today's conversation.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Become the "Ultimate Couple" in Five Easy Steps
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Do you have a meddling in-law? Do they break your boundaries and cause a ruckus in your home? Today's episode emphasizes the importance of establishing clear boundaries within the household and the need for spousal support in the sometimes messy family dynamics. Open communication with both the mother-in-law and the other spouse is essential to ensure a respectful and harmonious living environment.
Key Takeaways:
- This is your house; your mother-in-law is a guest.
- Be clear on the boundaries and expectations.
- Responsibilities do not equal authority in the household.
- Speak up about what you need from your mother-in-law.
- Spouses need to support one another in these situations.
- Establishing boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- Communicate openly with your spouse about family dynamics.
- It's important to protect your marriage at all costs.
- Nip issues in the bud before they escalate.
- Encourage honest conversations with family members.
Have a relationship question you want answered on the podcast? Email or send a DM!
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Tough conversations are inevitable—but they don’t have to be toxic. Learn a practical and heart-centered approach to preparing for the difficult conversations we often avoid. Whether it’s addressing betrayal, setting boundaries, or navigating a sensitive issue in your relationship, you’ll learn how to check your emotions, clarify your intentions, and approach the talk with wisdom and courage. Tune in to discover how preparation can lead to connection, not just confrontation.
This episode originally aired in March 2022 but has been updated and slightly edited for today. To view the original show notes, visit https://danache.com//marriage-podcasts/84.
Get your Communication 101 Podcast Playlist!
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Does it seem like you disagree and argue about almost everything in your relationship? A listener writes in to ask how to get his point across without arguing with his wife. Maybe you've wondered the same. In this episode, I am sharing a powerful communication tool (also a conversation starter) called the Mirror Moment. This practice will help you to explain your perspective or opinion to someone else and help them to do the same.
Even when you disagree, you will both now see each other, not just the problem, and will be much more likely to come to a consensus without the need for arguing, yelling, or drama.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters Guide for Communicating in Conflict here.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
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Do you constantly second-guess yourself, shrink back in relationships, or feel like you’re never quite “enough”? Insecurity has a way of creeping into every area of our lives—our marriages, careers, friendships, and even our faith. But the good news? Confidence isn’t about perfection. It’s about knowing who you are and "whose" you are.
In today’s episode, I unpack the root causes of insecurity and offer practical, faith-based steps to start rebuilding your confidence from the inside out. You’ll learn how to identify the lies that fuel low self-worth and replace them with life-giving truth that aligns with your God-given identity.
If you've ever felt stuck in cycles of self-doubt, this episode will help you break free—and believe again in the version of you that God designed.
This episode originally aired on July 16, 2024 and is your sweet repeat for today.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn to Communicate Without Fighting. Take My New Course – From Conflict to Connection
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This was one of our highest-rated episodes of the Q & A series and, therefore, deserving of a "sweet repeat." Many spouses can relate to the feeling of "falling out of love" with their spouse, yet not wanting to divorce their spouse. If you have ever experienced prolonged resentment or boredom in your relationship, listen up. Learn how to overcome feeling stuck in your marriage while working on communication. If you're struggling to find motivation to stay married or are unsure about the next steps for your marriage, this episode is for you.
We discuss how resentment happens, its relationship to unforgiveness, and some practical steps to take when living in a boring marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Ep. 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
🔗 Protect or Rebuild Your Marriage from Infidelity
🔗 Want to See How Connected You Are to Your Partner? Take Our Free Quiz
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Are you going through something in your life and need to be reminded that you're not alone? I am so grateful to know that God sees, provides, and is always with me. In this episode, I'm helping you to discover this God, to truly know Him intimately and personally—the difference between head knowledge and heart experience.
Drawing inspiration from a recent meeting with a group of women leaders I mentor, we'll explore some of the powerful names of God from scripture, illustrating how each name reveals a distinct aspect of God’s character that directly impacts our lives and marriages.
Key Points & Topics:
- The Meaning of "Knowing God"
- The Power of God's Names
- Affirmations from the Word of God
- Learning Through Trials
Resource Mentioned:
- Get Your Free "Speak Life" Audio Affirmations Here
- Video: When You Feel Unnoticed, Invisible, and Unappreciated
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I love today's listener's question about the different travel styles she and her husband have. Our listener, Carrie, wants to know how to vacation when she and her husband have different vacation interests and travel needs. In this episode, I discuss the importance of travel as a means to reconnect and recharge, while also discussing the necessity of compromise and individual preferences during vacations. Plus, I share some personal anecdotes and practical tips for making travel enjoyable for both spouses, ultimately highlighting the value of creating lasting memories together. It's a fun and funny episode today. Enjoy!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Here are the 7 Secrets of a Fulfilling and Lasting Marriage
Have a question you'd like answered on the show? Submit your marriage questions here.
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Does it seem like your spouse doesn’t listen to you? Maybe you find yourself wondering how to talk so they will listen and understand you. Listening skills are an essential part of communication in relationships, and one that trips many people up. Today’s episode (a sweet repeat from 2023) will teach you the right communication principles to guide you toward a better understanding and better conversations with your partner.
I discuss common communication mistakes partners make when communicating and the importance of listening skills. I also offer practical and “pro” tips for better communication. We also explore how to approach sensitive topics, the importance of timing and mood, and how to influence your partner to listen to you when you communicate. It's a good one! Let's dive in.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get my FREE Communication 101 Podcast Playlist here.
Check out my From Conflict to Connection Course here.
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
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Have you considered a separation in your marriage? A listener wrote asking about the right way to do a separation. How long should it be? What are the "rules of engagement"? We're discussing reasons for separation, establishing clear rules, and knowing the realities of the situation, including the need for a timeline and the significance of having a plan for reconciliation (or not!).
Takeaways:
- A separation doesn't necessarily solve the problem.
- Know your why before entering a separation.
- Establish rules of engagement prior to separation.
- Separation can be beneficial if done correctly.
- Seek professional help before deciding on separation.
- A plan is better than no plan at all.
- Resources are available to help couples reignite their marriage
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Let me show you how to create a more connected marriage: https://danache.com/ultimatecouple
Want to discuss marriage coaching? Schedule your call at https://danache.com/getstarted.
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
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I know you have good intentions, but want to know if you are helping or enabling? This episode will help you to discover if you are indeed an enabler: what it really means, the signs you might be an enabler, and the dangers of mistaking enabling for grace (especially within Christian circles and families). I share about my strength in setting boundaries, shaped by the experiences I witnessed growing up, and share practical advice for those who recognize enabling patterns in their marriage, parenting, and relationships.
🔎 What you’ll learn:
- What enabling REALLY is (and why it’s not the same as grace!)
- The difference between peacemaking and “peace-faking” ✌️
- How enabling shows up in families, churches, relationships & even parenting
- Why true grace is about EMPOWERMENT, not making excuses 💪
- 4 main reasons we enable (and how to break free!)
👉 Mentioned resources: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Lysa TerKeurst’s Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: https://amzn.to/43V94wj
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend: https://amzn.to/3HaQNTQ
A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight: https://amzn.to/3SoOAqm
“Peacemaking or Peacefaking?” Rebuilding Us Podcast episode: Listen here.
📝 Like this episode? 👉 PLEASE leave a 5-star review and a few sentences about how this podcast has helped you. Your reviews help more people find Rebuilding US and strengthen their marriages! 💕
Need help with your marriage? Download my FREE 7 Secrets to Know Before You Say I Do or I Did! https://danache.com/7secrets
Follow Dana Che on Instagram, Facebook, and watch these episodes on YouTube!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
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We're addressing a listener's question about how to support a loved one experiencing domestic abuse. It's essential to understand the victim's perspective, maintain open communication, and take proactive steps to ensure safety. This episode offers practical guidance on how to approach the situation with empathy, while also encouraging the victim to seek help and report the abuse. The episode also serves as a crucial resource for anyone looking to support someone in an abusive relationship.
If you or someone you know is experiencing physical abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
To connect with Dana Che, follow on Instagram, YouTube, or Facebook.
Learn more at https://danache.com.
Have a question you'd like answered on the show? Email or send a direct message on Instagram.
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW, and leave a five-star rating and review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
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Have you gone through a season of brokenness in your life, or are you being triggered by a painful event in your past? Today's guest, Frank Meadows, is here to help shed light on triggers, the brokenhearted, and inner healing. Along with this powerful conversation, we discuss strongholds and how they manifest as addictive behavior in people's lives.
Frank Meadows is a licensed clinical social worker and marriage therapist whose books and work have been featured across multiple platforms. He joins marriage coach and the Rebuilding Us podcast host, Dana Che, for an insightful and healing conversation that will help shape the trajectory of inner healing from a faith-based perspective.
For more info on Dana Che, visit https://danache.com.
Follow Dana Che on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about Frank and his books at https://frankmeadows.com.
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Guest host Shaun is stepping in for his wife and regular host, Dana Che, who is under the weather helping a husband to know if he and his wife should tell their kids their marriage is in trouble and that they're considering a possible separation. Shaun delivers Dana’s thoughtful response, providing practical advice on how parents can approach difficult conversations with their children and emphasizing the value of seeking coaching before making any permanent decisions about separation.
Key Topics Covered:
-
- Only discuss separation with children when a decision and plan are definite, to avoid creating insecurity.
- Since the kids are already aware of tension, address the arguments with honesty, take responsibility, and reassure them.
- Use this as a teaching opportunity: model healthy ownership of mistakes, and avoid putting adult worries onto children.
- Strongly consider seeking marital coaching before proceeding to separation.
-
Resources Mentioned:
- Start those hard conversations with Dana Che's Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict.
- Need Marriage Coaching? Schedule Your Discovery Call today.
Notable Quotes:
- “First, it's important that you and your wife take responsibility for the role you're playing in the communication breakdown.”
- “Don't jump into a separation before you've done all you can to reset your marriage.”
Connect with Us:
- Send your questions: danache.com/contact
- Follow Dana Che: on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube
Like the show? Please share, rate, and review!
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Today's guest, Tweeny Randall, helps to shed light on the concept of soul ties. Maybe you’ve felt ‘stuck’ after a past relationship, or perhaps you’re curious how soul ties form—even outside of a romantic relationship. Tweeny and I share experience and research on how soul ties affect us in relationships.
Episode Highlights
- What is a Soul Tie?
Tweeny breaks it down simply: Soul ties are spiritual connections between people, formed not just through romantic or sexual relationships, but even in deep friendships or parent-child bonds. There are healthy soul ties, and there are unhealthy ones that can hold us back. - Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns:
Unhealthy soul ties often look like idolatry or dysfunction—when someone’s mood or approval dictates your happiness, or when a past relationship leaves you unable to move forward. If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I get over this person?”—this might be why. - Freedom Through Forgiveness & Spiritual Release:
Tweeny shares her real-life process helping a young woman break free from an unhealthy connection. - Practical Tips for Your Marriage:
Even strong couples need boundaries. Tweeny suggests radical honesty—especially when attractions or resentments pop up. Keep secrets out of your relationship and invite accountability. - Prayer for Breaking Soul Ties:
For those ready to be free, Tweeny leads a powerful prayer (also available on her blog!) to help you sever unhealthy spiritual connections and restore your joy in Christ.
Resources & Next Steps
- Tweeny’s Blog & Website
- Ep. 264 - Is Your Marriage an Idol?
- For Non-Married Couples or Premarital Counseling:
Make breaking unhealthy soul ties part of your marriage prep—you’ll be amazed at the peace it brings.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ and write a great review!
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Have you let yourself go or perhaps lost yourself in your marriage? Today's episode will help you find yourself again. A listener struggles with finding the motivation to find herself again, having let herself go, and seeks advice on how to rediscover who she is in her marriage. This episode originally aired in Dec. 2024 and was one of our highest rated episodes that season.
Listen in for encouragement, practical steps, and a simple 4-week blueprint I share to help you reignite your spark and your sense of self-worth in and out of your relationship.
Learn more at https://danache.com.
Have a relationship or marriage question for the show?
Email or send a DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please give it a 5-star rating and write a review!
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Infidelity is one of the most heart-shattering experiences anyone can endure in a marriage. It shakes the bedrock of trust and can leave spouses grappling with pain, betrayal, confusion, and fear for the future. If you’re reading this, you may be right in the middle of this storm—or you know someone who is. Take heart: your story is not over, and healing truly is possible.
We’re bringing our “Healing After Infidelity” series to a close with an empowering message and a transformative resource for those walking the difficult road of recovery. In this episode, I unpack both the challenges and opportunities that arise after infidelity and introduce my comprehensive online course, “Infidelity Intensive.” Here’s what you need to know if you’re trying to rebuild after betrayal.
Learn more at danache.com/infidelityintensive.
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Have you ever felt like you are the only one putting in the work, or maybe you're putting in a significantly more amount of work than your spouse is? That can feel very unjust. It can feel unfair, and most of us get tired of doing that. We have a question that I think all of us can probably relate to at some point: What if I'm doing more work on my marriage than my spouse?
Key Takeaways:
- Change Your Step:
Alter your approach in the relationship. When you change how you respond, your spouse will also have to adjust, breaking unhelpful cycles. - Be Patient:
Trust takes time to rebuild—don’t expect overnight results. Your consistency over time demonstrates commitment. - Play the Long Game:
Rebuilding a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. Focus on progress, not perfection. - Fix Your Focus:
What you focus on grows. Shift your attention from what your spouse isn’t doing to the positive changes you’re making and what you want for your marriage.
Featured Resource:
Infidelity Intensive—a step-by-step online course designed to move couples from pain to restoration after betrayal. Learn more at danache.com/infidelityintensive.
Submit Your Questions:
Have a question for Dana? Reach out here or DM on Instagram @mrsdanache.
Thanks for listening!
If you found today’s advice helpful, share this episode with a friend and leave a review.
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Can an emotional affair be just as damaging as a physical one? Research says yes. Yet, the topic of emotional affairs is complex because of their impact on the psyche and the marriage. This episode (a sweet repeat of ep. 284) focuses on understanding, prevention, and healing, providing valuable insights for couples navigating this challenging terrain.
Key Highlights:
- Defining Emotional Affairs: What constitutes an emotional affair? We emphasize the need to clearly distinguish between emotional and physical affairs.
- Recognizing the Signs: Learn to identify the indicators of an emotional affair, such as inappropriate emotional investment or intimate sharing with someone outside your marriage.
- Research Insights: Research suggests that women are more likely to engage in emotional affairs. And other kinds of vulnerable people.
- The Role of Disconnection: Discover how disconnection within a marriage can lead to emotional affairs, often occurring in workplaces or through digital channels, where individuals present idealized versions of themselves.
- Normalizing Terms: We're critiquing casual terms like "work wife" that could normalize inappropriate emotional connections.
- Rebuilding Trust: For those who have experienced an emotional affair, we outline four crucial steps for rebuilding trust, emphasizing the importance of severing ties, honest communication, self-reflection, and establishing boundaries.
- Setting Boundaries: We discuss three boundary guidelines designed to prevent future issues.
- Cooperating in Rebuilding: Not all relationships may be able to withstand the impact of an emotional affair. Will yours?
Take Action:
- Get my brand-new course, Infidelity Intensive, a restoration roadmap for healing after infidelity.
Find the full show notes for this episode here.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a 5-star rating and write a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
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We're tackling a sensitive yet common issue in some marriages: what to do when your spouse’s hygiene (or lack thereof) is causing tension in your relationship. A listener wants to know how to respond without hurting their partner or furthering the disconnect.
Key Takeaways:
- It’s Not Uncommon: Hygiene issues are not as uncommon as one might think. Yet they can be a dealbreaker for many couples when it comes to physical closeness.
- Direct but Kind Communication: Be honest yet gentle. Approach the conversation with love—focus on how hygiene affects the closeness in your marriage rather than making accusations or using harsh language.
- The "We Over Me" Approach: Frame the issue as a shared problem impacting both spouses, not just a complaint from one person.
- Gift What You Want: Subtle actions like buying body wash, cologne, or tissues can serve as positive hints for change.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Define what you need (e.g., brushing teeth before kissing) and stick to those boundaries for your well-being.
Resources:
- Do you have a marriage or relationship question for Dana Che? Submit it at danache.com/contact or DM Dana on Instagram @mrsdanache.
- Check out the "Infidelity Intensive" online course for couples seeking restoration: danache.com/infidelityintensive.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
As we continue our Healing After Infidelity series, a commonly asked yet sensitive topic is how to re-engage in sex after an affair. If you’ve experienced infidelity in your marriage, you’ve likely wondered this too.
I'm offering grounded, compassionate wisdom on when and how couples should consider re-engaging sexually after infidelity. With a blend of personal stories, biblical guidance, real-life coaching experiences, and practical steps, this episode aims to support couples in making informed, healthy decisions with restoration at the center.
What You’ll Learn
- Should you have sex after an affair? I address why immediately resuming sexual intimacy may not be healthy or helpful.
- The importance of time and boundaries: Why jumping back into sex too soon can lead to more harm, and why it’s not “sinful” to abstain while healing.
- Trust, safety & STI checks: The crucial steps every couple should take for health and peace of mind.
- Deconstructing sexual idols: How sex can become an unhealthy replacement for deeper intimacy following infidelity—and why this “idol” must be torn down before true restoration.
- Practical tips for re-engaging: When you’re ready, how to reintroduce sex in a safe, pressure-free way.
- Safety, boundaries, and autonomy: Advice for betrayed spouses if they feel pressured to resume sex, and the importance of reclaiming agency and setting healthy boundaries.
Resources & Next Steps
- FREE Masterclass: Register for “Beyond Betrayal: Three Keys to Healing After Infidelity”—available at danache.com/masterclass
- Upcoming Infidelity Course: Details and registration at danache.com/infidelityintensive
- Show notes & links: Find this episode’s resources at rebuildinguspodcast.com
Subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen or on YouTube, and join the Rebuilding US community for ongoing support and encouragement.
Thank you for listening! If you found this episode helpful, remember to leave a review and share with anyone who might need this support.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
What do you do when your spouse just won't say those three little words, "I love you"? A listener wrote in with this exact issue, sharing how her husband never actually says "I love you," even though it's her love language. She's looking for some advice, and I can actually relate to this.
It's important for us to hear "I love you," especially as children. I share a bit about my experience vs my hubby, Shaun's experience with these words. I also give you tips on how to use "I statements" to let your spouse know what you need without making them feel attacked. The key is explaining how you feel and what you need in a way that encourages positivity and open communication.
I also gave some advice to all you parents out there. Even if your kids roll their eyes or just hit you with a "thanks" or a text like, keep telling them you love them! It helps create a sense of belonging that we all need.
If you want to chat more or have questions you want me to tackle in a future episode, DM on Instagram or swing by my website. I’d love to hear from you!
Learn more about my Upcoming Masterclass: Beyond Betrayal
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The aftermath of infidelity in marriage is painful, to say the least. Chances are you, or someone you know, is dealing with the fallout of an affair. Whether you're the betrayed or the betrayer, or if you're simply offering support to a loved one, this episode aims to provide practical guidance on navigating this tumultuous time.
It’s critical to acknowledge the emotional upheaval that accompanies the revelation of an affair. You're likely to experience a whirlwind of emotions—disappointment, fear, shame, anger, and sorrow, to name a few. Instead of avoiding these feelings, it’s important to validate these feelings. It’s perfectly normal to feel like a stranger to your own emotions. The key is recognizing that your marriage has suffered significant trauma, which requires both patience and understanding.
In this episode, we discuss the five critical decisions both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse should avoid making after infidelity comes to light.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Register for my upcoming masterclass: Beyond Betrayal
Want to go deeper? Learn more about my Infidelity Intensive Course
Ep. 334 - Our Advice to the Unfaithful Spouse - with Shaun Williams
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A husband wants help in seeing eye to eye with his wife, more specifically how they can be on the same page during disagreements. This is a common struggle in marriages: finding common ground despite a couple's differences. Understanding the purpose of communication is key here. Listen in as I remind this listener (and you) that it's not about agreeing on everything but about understanding one another's perspectives. I shared practical advice on aligning your values, choosing your battles wisely, and utilizing your different perspectives as strengths.
Highlights from the episode:
- Communication is about understanding, not just agreement.
- Find common values when facing different approaches to problem-solving.
- Use differences to your advantage for a stronger connection.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 296: Are You a Peacemaker or a "Peacefaker" in Your Relationship?
Join my upcoming free masterclass, "Beyond Betrayal: Three Keys to Healing After Infidelity."
Your questions and insights fuel our conversations—keep them coming! Reach out on Instagram or my website.
And be sure to give this podcast a five-star rating and write a great review!
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When an unfaithful spouse is discovered to have had an affair, there are certain things they need to do to repair the breach if they want to rebuild their marriage. My hubby, Shaun, is back on the podcast and is sharing his insights, as a former unfaithful spouse, and our journey through our season of infidelity. As ones who have walked this path, we want to offer guidance, especially to those who broke their marriage vows, and who might be facing this storm.
Key Takeaways include what "doing the work" on yourself and your marriage actually looks like, the importance of walking this journey with a skilled professional, taking inventory and accepting responsibility, and more.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Sign up for my FREE Masterclass: Beyond Betrayal: 3 Keys to Healing After Infidelity
Learn more about my online course, Infidelity Intensive
Ep. 326: Why Did This Happen? Healing After Infidelity
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Have you ever been concerned about your spouse's social media activities . . . or in our listener's case, lack of social media activities? I'm addressing a listener who feels unsettled that her husband never posts about her on social media and even occasionally unfollows her, while sharing other aspects of his life online.
Episode Highlights:
- Marriage Advice: I emphasize the importance of communication. Ask, don't assume your partner's intentions.
- Use "I statements" to express your feelings without being accusatory.
-
Key Strategies:
- Understand that everyone expresses affection differently, especially on public platforms like social media.
- The significance of clear communication around personal expectations in a relationship is critical.
- Directly address concerns with your spouse to gain clarity rather than making assumptions.
If you find yourself facing similar a marriage concern, this episode provides a blueprint for addressing issues with empathy and directness.
Resources Mentioned:
- Heart-to-Heart Conversation Starters: danache.com/conversationstarters
- Submit Your Marriage Questions
- It's Not You; It's Me: The I Statement Formula
Love the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and write a great review!
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Infidelity recovery is not a DIY experiment. It hit my marriage like a tidal wave, knocking me down and leaving me in a sea of emotions I never thought I’d have to face. It was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences I ever had to endure. In those early days of shock and disbelief, I quickly realized something critical: I couldn't and shouldn't try to handle this alone.
In my journey and through conversations with my clients who are rebuilding their marriages after an affair, I've discovered the invaluable importance of surrounding yourself with what's known as an “A-Team.” This isn’t just any group of friends or well-meaning family. Your A-Team is a carefully chosen group, equipped to provide you with support, wisdom, and encouragement. In this episode, you'll learn how I learned to build my A-Team and why each member is crucial.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Healing from an affair? Get your Free Affair Recovery Checklist today!
Learn about my new course: Infidelity Intensive and dramatically shorten your healing time.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and leave a great review!
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When things aren’t going well in marriage, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of complaints, but gratitude can be a powerful antidote to bitterness and resentment.
Here’s a quick recap of tips on maintaining gratitude:
- Acknowledge Small Wins: Start your day by focusing on one positive aspect of your partner or something they did that you appreciate.
- Focus on What You Can Control: Control your attitude, words, and actions. Be grateful for the choices you have, even in trying times.
- Look for Lessons: Every challenge can be a learning opportunity. Consider what valuable lessons or growth your current circumstances might offer.
Remember, gratitude isn’t just an attitude; it’s a practice. Incorporate these and other gratitude practices throughout your day and watch your relationship bounce back.
Have a marriage question you want answered on the podcast? Email or send a DM on Instagram.
Resourced Mentioned in this Episode:
Struggling to heal after infidelity? Get your FREE Healing After Affair Checklist Here.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
After an affair, most spouses want to know if they should stay or leave their spouse. Infidelity, I know, can be incredibly painful, but it is oh-so-important to discuss. As part of our ongoing miniseries, "Healing After Infidelity," I'm here to tackle a question that many of you have likely grappled with: "Are you committed to rebuilding your marriage?" Whether you're in the thick of betrayal or still grappling with the aftermath, I hope to offer guidance and encouragement as you navigate this challenging terrain.
Infidelity, as many of us know, can tear at the very fabric of a relationship, leaving a trail of hurt and confusion. When I think about the conversations I’ve had—whether through coaching or discovery calls—one thing is clear: the question often emerges, "Do I put forth the effort to save my marriage, or is it time to move on?" In this episode, I share five critical questions you need to consider before making such a profound decision.
Be sure to listen to the very end and get my free resource to help you rebuild your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Healing from Infidelity? Get my "Affair Checklist" to guide you along your journey.
Ep. 102 - 12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage
Ep.236 - What To Do If My Spouse Has Had Multiple Affairs
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It's a common dilemma in marriage: how to turn your spouse down for sexy time without feeling guilty. What do you do when one spouse isn't in the mood for sex yet doesn't want to hurt the other's feelings? That's the question of one listener who shared her experience and sought advice on saying no without guilt.
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding Your Feelings: Take a self-assessment to identify why you might not be in the mood. Factors could include tiredness, stress, or emotional disconnect.
- The Power of Honesty: It’s crucial to communicate openly and kindly with your spouse about your feelings. A simple, honest conversation can prevent feelings of rejection.
- Offering Alternative Connections: Suggesting other forms of intimacy, such as cuddling or a massage, can help maintain the bond with your spouse without feeling pressured into having sex.
- Checking Emotional Responses: For the spouse who feels turned down, it’s important to reflect on one’s emotional response to ensure that sex doesn’t become an idol in the relationship.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Reeling from an affair? Get my Affair Recovery Checklist & begin your healing journey today.
Ep. 21 - When You're Not in the Mood for Sex
If you have questions about relationship or marriage topics, email or reach out on Instagram.
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Today, we dive deep into the intricacies of healing after infidelity with our guests, Matthew and Joanna Rabsmith who've been married for fifteen years. They opened up about their experience with infidelity just three and a half years into their union. Matthew bravely shared his struggle with sex addiction, which was primarily linked to pornography.
Both licensed marriage counselors and marriage coaches, they share their journey through infidelity in their marriage and how they emerged stronger on the other side. Matthew opens up about his battle with sexual addiction, shedding light on the challenges and breakthroughs along the way.
Joanna provides invaluable insight into the role of the betrayed spouse and how relinquishing control can drive healing. We also explore the Rabsmith's intimacy pyramid, detailing the steps necessary to rebuild trust and intimacy in marriage.
Their journey is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of faith and commitment. Whether you're navigating these waters yourself or supporting a friend through it, this episode is packed with wisdom and resources for moving forward. So, grab a notebook, settle in, and let's get into this crucial conversation!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Connect with the Raabsmiths
Get your free Affair Recovery Checklist here
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A new listener, Gina, feels like she's putting all the effort into her marriage while her husband seems perfectly content with where things are. I totally get where she's coming from—I’ve been there! We'll talk about how to navigate this situation and discuss why behavior follows belief. I’ share some personal insights and strategies on how to motivate change in someone who doesn't see there's a problem by shifting those underlying beliefs. Whether you're trying to improve your marriage, your parenting skills, or your friendships, today's episode is packed with practical advice. So grab a cup of coffee, get comfy, and let's dive in to help transform those connections into more fulfilling relationships. I'm so glad you're here!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Struggling to overcome an affair? Get my 12-Step Affair Recovery Checklist here.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
One of the questions every betrayed spouse grapples with when dealing with infidelity is, "Why did this happen?" Infidelity can be one of the most challenging obstacles a marriage may face. Understanding the 'why' is crucial because every affair has a reason. It’s essential here to distinguish between a reason and an excuse. While reasons offer insights into underlying issues, excuses deflect responsibility. The truth is infidelity is always a choice, a willful decision, in nearly every case.
This episode outlines five reasons that commonly underlie affairs, including:
- emotional disconnection
- unresolved personal issues
- lack of boundaries
- unmet needs
- personal crises.
It’s important to note that while these reasons might explain why an affair happened, they don't excuse the betrayal.
We also discuss “What now” after an affair has happened. If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of infidelity, there is hope and healing is possible whether you stay in or leave your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Reeling from Infidelity? Get my “Affair Recovery Checklist” and take the first next steps toward healing.
Ep. 49 - 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
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When it comes to meeting our spouse’s needs, marriage can feel like a complex game of tug of war. Today’s listener question brings us into the nuanced territory of communication and expectations between spouses. Our listener shares her frustration about feeling overwhelmed by her husband's evolving needs. She explained that her husband, previously very passive in communicating his needs, has transformed since starting therapy. While therapy is inherently a positive journey, in this case, it's brought a seemingly endless list of requirements from her husband, inducing feelings of inadequacy and frustration in her.
If you’ve ever had unmet needs in your marriage or felt like you weren't meeting your spouse’s needs, this conversation is for you. Let’s discuss the dynamics at play and explore strategies for navigating this emotional challenge while working toward meeting your spouse’s needs.
Other Helpful Episodes:
Ep. 225 - Navigating Core Needs in Marriage
Ep. 281 - How to Encourage Change in Your Marriage Without Encouraging Complaints
If you enjoy the show, please be sure to leave a five-star rating and write a review!
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We’re off the heels of our marriage conference and I have some insights to share for those looking to attend a marriage conference in the future. Information is only good if you have a revelation that causes transformation. And when it comes to strengthening our marriages, this couldn't be more true. So let's explore why attending a marriage conference might be the game-changer you've been looking for.
Why Make the Commitment to Attend?
You might be wondering, why attend a marriage conference? Aren’t those just for couples in crisis? Absolutely not! Like successful entrepreneurs attend business conferences to stay on top of their game, thriving couples attend marriage conferences to sustain healthy relationships. It’s all about growth, connection, and gaining new insights.
For first-timers, choosing the right conference is crucial. Not all conferences are created equal, and some might leave you feeling discouraged if they’re not a good fit. I’ll share some tips on finding the right one so you come away feeling inspired and equipped.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Free "5 Simple Steps to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship" Couple's Guide
Learn more about the XO Marriage Conference
Learn more about Family Life's Weekend to Remember
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A listener who describes her marriage of eleven years as "routine" and feels she's outgrown her husband needs advice. She says that while her husband is a good man, she feels a lack of attraction due to his complacency with routine life. This includes his responsibilities at work, caregiving for his mother, and domestic duties, all of which have led their marriage to feel stagnant. She admits to being drawn to other men but remains committed to her marriage because of their children and shared responsibilities, yet she struggles with the feeling that her marriage may have run its course.
Many spouses feel this way . . . disconnected from their spouses. Over the years, their interests, values, and goals sometimes diverge, leading to feelings of loneliness and frustration. This sets the stage for the episode's central focus: addressing these feelings and fostering growth in marriages.
Listen and learn four marriage tips to help overcome disconnection and reignite a sense of shared meaning in your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the "How Connected Are You" Partner Quiz
Need Marriage Coaching? Schedule a Call Here
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How do you build a stronger marriage? Often, marriage is often seen as a path to happiness and companionship. But through my experiences and insights shared in this episode, I challenge this notion by inviting you to see marriage as a tool for personal and spiritual growth. This episode wraps up our three-part mini-series, "Mended: God's Plan for Marriage," where we explore the deep-seated essence of marriage, emphasizing resilience, growth, and alignment with your divine purpose.
The episode begins with a recent sermon I preached at my church, highlighting the importance of resilience in marriage. The power of marriage often remains untapped because people focus too much on personal happiness and having their needs met rather than understanding the greater purpose of marriage . . . what I call the "secret sauce" of marriage: realizing that marriage is about more than just personal satisfaction—it's about helping each other become more like Christ.
This is a powerful episode with the potential to change how you view your spouse and your marriage forever.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Listen to the full sermon here.
Learn more about my brand new course: Infidelity Intensive
Remember to give the podcast a 5-star rating and write a review!
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Is your marriage on the line but you’re trying to win your spouse back? Rebuilding your marriage isn't easy, especially when your spouse isn't on the same page. In this episode, we address a listener's question about how to effectively communicate his desire to reconcile after a difficult time in his marriage. Despite being separated for three months due to past traumas and ego, he's actively working on self-improvement and seeking advice on how to win back his spouse without putting undue pressure on her.
Key Discussion Points:
- Taking Responsibility: It’s important to take responsibility for the choices we make in our marriage. Our listener acknowledges his shortcomings as a husband and is encouraged to be specific about the changes he's implementing.
- Healing Past Traumas: If we don’t understand the role of past traumas in our marriage conflicts, we are likely to not fully heal from them. Genuine healing often requires professional help.
- Asking for Forgiveness: Sincere and specific apologies are significant, not as a means to an end, but as a genuine show of remorse for past hurt we’ve caused.
- Respecting Boundaries: If the spouse decides not to reconcile, respecting her decision is crucial. While working towards reconciliation, we must acknowledge our spouse's free will and potential decision to move on even if it hurts.
Got a marriage-related question you want answered on the podcast? Email your questions or submit a direct message on Instagram.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Free Heart to Heart Conversation Starters here.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and write a positive review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
If you’ve ever questioned what marriage is truly about beyond friendship and happiness, this is the episode for you. We're continuing with part two of a mini-series dedicated to exploring some hidden truths about marriage.
We begin by addressing the misconceptions society and culture often hold about marriage, such as its purpose is primarily happiness or getting our needs met. When we misunderstand the purpose of something, it leads to misuse and abuse. So buckle up.
Christian marriage, in particular, has been called "a great mystery" because of what marriage truly represents. Marriage is both an agent of holiness and healing, providing a space for mutual growth and spiritual connection. In this way, marriage can be a living testament to God's redemptive power and love.
If you feel overwhelmed or trapped in your marriage, this episode offers hope that transformation and redemption are possible through faith and surrendering to God's plan.
Key Takeaways:
- Why marriage is not solely about personal happiness
- How holiness and healing go hand in hand
- How marriage unlocks the potential for deeper connection and spiritual growth.
- Marriage as a living example of Christ's redemptive love and commitment.
Want to connect more in your marriage? Take my free "How Connected Are You" Partner Quiz at https://danache.com/partnerquiz.
If you know someone engaged or considering marriage, share this episode with them so they can get their marriage started off on the right foot!
Remember to give the podcast a 5-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Valentine's Day is upon us! I'm answering a listener's question on whether women still care about Valentine’s Day gifts and what makes the perfect present. What are some gift ideas to make your special someone feel loved and appreciated? I've got a few suggestions up my sleeve.
Highlights:
- Do Women Still Expect Gifts? I polled my friends to learn about their Valentine’s Day expectations—and the results were hilarious.
- Creative Gift Ideas: It’s not about how much you spend, but the thought and creativity you put into it. Hear about my most memorable Valentine's Day.
- Understanding Love Languages: Discover how knowing your partner’s love language can elevate your gift-giving, whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, or quality time.
- Balancing Gift Traditions: My thoughts on how the commercialization of holidays might affect genuine gift-giving and why it’s better to focus on creative intention.
Special Resource for You:
Don’t forget to download my Ultimate Couples Checklist—a free guide with five simple steps to rekindle intimacy and connection available at danache.com/ultimatecouple.
We’d love to hear from you! If you have a marriage-related question, don’t hesitate to reach ask here or drop a message on Instagram.
Thank you for being a part of our community. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Rebuilding Us Podcast on your preferred platform so you never miss an episode!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
"The Problem of Marriage” is the first part of my three-part mini-series, inspired by a sermon I recently preached at my church, focusing on some profound aspects of marriage—the marriage problems we face, the purpose behind marriage, and the incredible power marriage holds. Today, I'll be sharing insights on the problem of marriage, and I hope you find these reflections as enlightening and transformative as I did when preparing this series.
Today's episode uncovers the roots of all marriage problems, confronting passivity in marriage, the ripple effects of sin, decoding the curse of conflict and control, and more.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Watch the Full Sermon Mended: God’s Plan for Marriage
Get Your Free “7 Secrets to a Happier, Healthier Marriage” Audio
Looking to Connect Better in Your Marriage? Check out My “From Conflict to Connection Course”
Like the show? Be sure to write a review and give it a five-star rating!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
I received a question from a listener whose husband wants to leave the marriage to seek “personal happiness.” She faces the difficult decision of whether to wait for him to find clarity or to move forward with divorce after their 24 years together, of which 13 were spent in marriage.
Here are some of the highlights from the episode:
Understanding Where Happiness is Found: I discussed the common misconception that happiness is a destination. In reality, happiness is a choice you make. Chasing after it without internal work is often fruitless.
Purposeful Separation & Marriage Goals Even Here: If separation is the route chosen, it should be approached with clear goals. Arranging a separation with a mutually agreed-upon purpose and timeframe can help both spouses understand what they truly want from the future.
Working on Yourself No Matter the Outcome: I applauded my listener for seeking therapy and emphasized the importance of continuing personal growth, regardless of her husband's decisions.
The Power of Forgiveness: Even when reconciliation is not possible, pursuing forgiveness can free individuals from bitterness and resentment, enabling them to heal and move forward positively.
When considering separation, it’s important to ask whether everything that could be done to save the marriage has been tried before deciding on divorce. This way, even if the marriage ends, you’ll know you gave it all you could give.
If you have any questions or issues in your marriage that you'd like me to address, feel free to reach out via my website or on Instagram.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
The "7 Secret Marriage Rules" audio
For those of you considering a similar path, I suggest listening to my episode with Dr. Kim Kimberling, "Five Boxes to Check Before You Divorce" (Episode 245), to thoroughly evaluate your decision.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
What is the real reason so many marriages are failing? It’s not often addressed in mainstream marriage advice. When we take a look at the core issue of marriage problems and look at scripture, personal experiences, and real stories, we see one main culprit as the number one reason marriages break up.
Key Discussion Points:
- Understanding Apathy in Marriage
- The Core Issue: Hardness of Heart
- Indicators of a Hardened Heart
- The Path to Restoration and Healing
- Real-Life Application
Resources Mentioned:
Get My Free Audio: 7 Secrets to a Healthier Marriage
Dive Deeper with My "From Conflict to Connection Course"
Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Episode 68: How Passivity & Apathy Are Silently Killing Your Marriage
Be sure to give the podcast five stars and write a positive review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
A truly sensitive yet relatable marriage topic is what to do when you feel a lack of physical attraction to your spouse. It can be embarrassing to admit to ourselves, much less talk about it openly, but it's necessary if we want to find solutions and improve our intimacy.
A listener reached out to me, sharing her struggle. She explains that despite taking care of her own appearance, her husband has gained weight, which has affected her physical attraction to him. She has moments when she can overlook his flaws, but the inconsistency in attraction makes sustaining intimacy challenging. She wants to know how to continue keeping her husband sexually satisfied even when she's not feeling that attracted to him.
In response, I explore several avenues to help address her concerns by digging to find the cause of her unattractiveness, having a courageous conversation with her husband, seeking help from the Lord, putting herself in remembrance of her husband’s strengths, and “making love” where love doesn’t seem to exist.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 310 - 5 Types of Intimacy Your Marriage Can’t Live Without
Get My Free “Conversation Starters” for Couples in Conflict
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and write a positive review.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you struggling to keep praying for your marriage but not seeing evidence of change? In this episode, I open up about my own journey in marriage and faith. Like so many of you, I've had to grapple with trusting in God when everything around me seemed unchanged or even worsening. My husband, Shaun, and I have been through our share of struggles, and it wasn't until I truly learned to let go and surrender my own desires that I began to see God's work in our lives.
Throughout this episode, I outline five strategies that are crucial for maintaining faith, especially when you see no evidence of change:
- Continue to Pray
- Refocus Your Vision
- Imagine Positive Outcomes
- Act in Faith
- Surrender to God's will
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer
Ep. 214: If God is For Me, Why Am I Suffering?
Ep. 216: How to Walk by Faith When Life is Hard
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and write a positive review so others can find the show too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Today’s marriage question is about relationship gift-giving and communication. After receiving an unexpected Peloton bike from her husband for Christmas instead of the spa package she desired, a listener feels hurt and confused. Essentially, she is left to wonder does my husband think I'm fat? Listen in as I provide insights and practical advice on how to interpret such gestures, manage insecurities, and communicate unspoken expectations effectively in a marriage.
To read the full show notes for this episode, visit danache.com/podcast.
Have a relationship or marriage question you want me to answer on the show? Email or connect with me on Instagram.
Download my "7 Secrets to a Lasting Marriage"
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Hard conversations are often necessary in marriage. You can be loving and truthful at the same time. However, it can be easy to forget how to balance the two in relationships. It’s no secret that marriages, like any close relationships, thrive on open and honest communication. Yet, the art of conveying truth with care often eludes us. Today, we’re diving into this intricate dance and learning how to be honest without causing harm to our spouse or significant other, further driving a wedge in our unity.
In this episode, you’ll learn about:
- Potential consequences of withholding the truth - how withholding the truth can lead to bitterness and resentment in marriages.
- Setting intentions for conversations - how to have a positive outcome in mind and center your spouse in conversations rather than yourself
- Developing the courage to confront marriage problems and find mutual solutions.
- A powerful acronym T.O.N.E. – Timing, Outcome, Necessity, and Empathy – and how to navigate these discussions successfully.
We also highlight the necessity of empathy in relationships as a means to understand and deepen genuine connections.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Download my free audio: "7 Secret Marriage Rules to Know Before I Do and After I Did.”
For more marriage resources visit danache.com.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a 5-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Marriage is one of life's greatest teachers. What marriage teaches you, however, depends on how wise of a student you're willing to be. One of my listeners put me in the hot seat, asking, "What have you learned over the course of being married to Shaun for 25 years, and what has your marriage taught you about yourself?"
I'm sharing several candid insights from my 25-year marriage journey, including:
- My Not-So-Pretty Self-Discovery: Marriage unveiled a side of me I never knew existed. Learn the importance of being aware of your tendencies and always working on yourself.
- Following God’s Blueprint: I have learned throughout my marriage the value of following God's ways in building a successful marriage. Or keep trying it your way and let me know how it goes.
- Understanding the Purpose of Marriage: My marriage has helped me grow into who God has purposed me to be. I'm sharing how.
The episode goes beyond surface-level advice and offers heartfelt and practical insights, empowering you to approach your marriages with the right mindset and intentions.
Whether you're newly married or have been on the journey for years, this episode provides valuable perspectives on how to make marriage a fulfilling and transformative experience.
Remember to grab my free "Ultimate Couples Checklist" to help you build a healthy and thriving marriage at danache.com/ultimatecouple.
Have a relationship or marriage question you want me to answer on the show? Email or connect with me on Instagram.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Intimacy is often a misunderstood concept in marriage and is traditionally reduced to just sex. However, there are five different types of intimacy that can cultivate a healthier and more wholehearted marriage.
Five Types of Intimacy in Marriage:
1. Spiritual Intimacy:
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- The importance and practicality of being spiritually aligned with your spouse.
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2. Emotional Intimacy:
- Recognizing and embracing your emotional self and providing a safe spouse for your spouse
3. Physical Intimacy:
- Going beyond sex to understand your spouse’s physical touch needs.
4. Intellectual Intimacy:
- Engaging intellectually with your partner and continuous learning and sharing of ideas.
5. Recreational/Experiential Intimacy:
- Building shared experiences and memories while maintaining friendship and fun in your marriage.
Through today’s episode, you’ll learn practical ways to nurture and enhance each intimacy type in your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take my “How Connected a Partner Are You?” Quiz
Ep. 52: Making Love Outside the Bedroom - with Shaun Williams
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Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
What do you do when your words of affirmation miss the mark? This is a concern a listener and many spouses face, especially when trying to love an "unappreciative spouse." If you’ve ever felt like your heartfelt compliments are being met with sarcasm or jabs rather than gratitude, this episode is for you.
Topics We Discuss:
- Understanding Communication Gaps: Learn how to bridge the disconnect between expressing words of affirmation and your spouse's reception. Hear how genuine affirmations rooted in appreciation for 'who they are' rather than 'what they do' can make a big difference.
- Building Emotional Well-Being: I Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” Explore how encouraging and uplifting words contribute to emotional well-being.
- Handling Resentment: Gain insights into addressing potential resentment that may be present underneath the snide remarks. Learn how to better support your spouse, recognizing their efforts in everyday moments.
- Practical Tips for Meaningful Affirmations: From the warmth of eye contact to understanding your spouse’s preferred mode of communication, discover various methods to make your appreciation felt and acknowledged.
You Might Also Like:
Get My Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict FREE Guide Here
Ep. 123 - 5 Gifts Your Spouse Will Love
Ep. 282 - Burnout of the Busy Wife- When Giving Too Much = Loving Less
Like the show? Please give it a five-star rating and share a positive review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you ready to transform your marriage and bring back that sense of wonder? Here’s a sneak peek into what you'll discover in this episode:
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Embrace the New: We explore how the new year offers a perfect opportunity to hit the reset button on your relationship and breathe new life into your marriage.
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Finding Joy in the Ordinary: Learn how noticing and appreciating the little things your spouse does can reignite wonder and admiration in your partnership.
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4 Practical Steps to Rediscover Wonder: From cultivating gratitude to prioritizing fun and adventure, I've laid out four actionable steps to help you and your spouse reconnect and experience newfound joy.
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Must-Read Resource: Discover insights from Tim Keller's book, "The Meaning of Marriage," and why prioritizing spiritual intimacy can deepen your emotional and physical bond.
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Special Offers: Don’t miss out on our free Heart-to-Heart Conversation Starters PDF and my new ebook "Relationship Reset" to jumpstart your journey towards a more fulfilling marriage.
Are you feeling burnt out and exhausted, struggling to find time for your relationship? It's time to create margin and prioritize what truly matters. Remember, your marriage can be as wonderful as you're willing to work for it to be.
Reflect on this: When was the last time you looked at your spouse with awe and wonder? If it’s been a while, let's change that this year.
Like the show? Be sure to give it a five-star rating and wrte a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
I received a heartfelt question from a wife who feels underappreciated in her marriage She wants to know how to get her husband to pay more attention to her and if she needs to play hard to get to do so. Together, with thoughtful insights from my husband, Shaun, we explore practical steps to re-engage a distant spouse . . . the real way.
Key Takeaways from the Episode:
- Discover how to effectively communicate your needs and desires in your marriage.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries that garner mutual respect.
- Explore ways to bring balance and authenticity to your marriage.
- Understand the importance of continual pursuit in marriage and how it mirrors our spiritual journey of seeking and growing in faith.
Faithful Fridays: Our New Approach
Starting this year, every Friday episode will blend relationship advice with a faith perspective, empowering you to build marriages that are not only rooted in love but also in purpose and divine guidance.
Resources to Help You Further:
Don't miss out on my Heart to-Heart Conversation Starters. They're designed to help you approach difficult conversations with confidence and clarity.
Ep. 169: Tricks are for Kids: 7 Mind Games to Stop Playing in Your Relationship
Have a relationship question you want answered on the show? Email me or send me a DM on Instagram.
If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review to help more couples discover tools to enrich their marriages.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
What a year it has been! As we wrap up 2024, I can't help but reflect on all the moments that have shaped us this year. Whether you're celebrating the goals you crushed or learning from the challenges you faced, let's take a moment to acknowledge the journey.
In this episode, we explored the highs and lows of the year, shared stories of triumph and growth, and looked ahead with hope for what 2025 may hold. Here's a glimpse of what we discussed:
- The importance of celebrating both big and small victories.
- How to carry forward goals into the new year with optimism.
- The significance of shared goals and renewed commitments in relationships.
- Encouragement to have unwavering hope and faith for the future.
As we step into 2025, I invite you to renew your commitments, both personal and relational, and to navigate the new year with intentionality. Remember, if you did it before, you can do it again!
Wishing you a happy and fulfilling new year, filled with purpose and legacy!
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Free “Ultimate Couple’s Checklist” for Creating Lasting Intimacy in Your Marriage
How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage
Like the show? Please give it a 5-star rating and share a positive review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's a common marriage conundrum: how to deal with a messy spouse. In this episode, a listener, Sam, has been feeling overwhelmed by her husband's messiness. Newly married, she's discovering new realities of cohabitation that many of us can relate to. If you've faced similar struggles, or are facing them now, this episode is for you.
Here’s a sneak peek into what we covered in the episode:
- Setting Boundaries: Learn how to set personal boundaries that respect both you and your spouse. It might mean creating a new space for yourself or simply refusing to pick up after your spouse. Remember, boundaries are about what YOU will or won’t do.
- Creating Systems: Implement a household chore chart to divide responsibilities fairly. We could all use a little structure to ensure tasks don't fall through the cracks. I offer my premarital counseling clients this resource.
- Uncovering Hidden Causes: Explore with your spouse the root of their habitual messiness. Sometimes, clutter is a mask for deeper emotions like stress or feeling out of control. Addressing the root causes can bring about lasting change.
- Person vs. Performance: Separate your spouse’s behavior from who they are as a person. Understanding this distinction can ease frustration and foster more compassion in your marriage.
As always, we're here to support you in rebuilding and nurturing your marriage. If you have a marriage question you want to be answered on the show, reach out via Instagram DM or email here.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE "Ultimate Couple's Checklist": 5 Simple Steps to Create More Intimacy
Like the show? Give it a five-star rating, and I'd love for you to write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Expectations play a vital role in shaping marriages. In part two of my conversation with Mark and Jill Savage, we explore how four expectations in marriage can set a couple up for success. Expectations will either bring two people closer together or create a rift between them. This is why it’s important to learn to manage expectations within marriage. As a marriage coach, I've had the privilege of excavating the intricacies of marriages that, at their core, are molded by the expectations we hold. The Savages and I share personal experiences from our marriage journeys of rebuilding after infidelity. Listen and learn how understanding and realigning expectations can greatly impact and enhance your marriage.
Key Takeaways:
- See Conflict as a Catalyst for Growth:
Conflict should be expected and embraced in a relationship. - Learn to Navigate Disappointments:
Accept that disappointment is part of any partnership. - Continue Investing in Your Marriage:
Just like any worthwhile endeavor, marriage requires ongoing education and investment.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download my "Ultimate Couple's Checklist": 5 Simple Steps for Building More Intimacy in Your Marriage
Learn More About Mark & Jill Savage's marriage resources
Love the show? Be sure to give it a 5-star rating, and I'd love to read your positive review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you ever had suspicions that your spouse was being unfaithful? A listener, triggered by her friend's trauma with infidelity, is in a dilemma. She looked through her husband's phone and didn't like what she saw. We're discussing one of the toughest challenges any marriage can face: the breach of trust when unfaithfulness comes into play in this Q&A segment.
Here's what we cover:
- Privacy vs. Suspicion
- Spotting the Red Flags:
- Empowering the Wounded Spouse
- Addressing the Infidelity Epidemic:
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
- Download my "Ultimate Couples Checklist" and bring that spark back into your marriage!
- 12 Signs Your Spouse is Having an Online Affair
Join the Conversation: I always love hearing from you! If you have your own marriage or relationship questions, send them my way here.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
When trust is broken in a marriage, many couples feel like marriage restoration is impossible and all hope is lost. However, Mark and Jill Savage’s journey reveals how marriages can heal and even thrive after infidelity. In this episode, they share their incredible testimony of a renewed marriage after a period marked by betrayal, depression, a mid-life crisis, and near-divorce. Their story offers incredible insights and encouragement for anyone who feels hopeless in their marriage.
Their marriage restoration story is nothing short of a miracle and an incredible testament to the restorative power of forgiveness and repentance.
This was such a great conversation that I had to break it up into two parts!
Listen to part one today and be encouraged that ANYTHING is possible to the one who believes.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
No More Perfect Podcast
Learn More About Mark & Jill’s Story & Services
Get Your Free Ultimate Couple’s Checklist
Thanks for listening! Please give the podcast a 5-star rating and write a review is this episode encourages you.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
How do you reconnect emotionally in marriage when the feelings just aren't there? I’m answering this listener’s question on today’s episode. First, I just have to say how grateful I am for her transparency; I, too, have walked through seasons in my marriage where I felt disconnected. I’m sure many of you can relate to knowing the right actions to take but not feeling the emotions align with those actions. There were times when I simply didn’t want to do what I knew was right. Over the years, one thing I've learned is that actions often lead to feelings, not the other way around. This is called behavioral economics. Emotions are unpredictable, and they shouldn’t drive our decisions. Listen to find out how to respond to your spouse in love when you're not feeling the love.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
How Connected Are You Really? Take the Quiz and Find Out!
Ep. 80 - Feelings Aren't Forever
Like the show? Please leave a five-star rating and review to help others find this helpful marriage resource!
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In our 300th episode, we’re discussing the popular yet often misunderstood topic of "Marriage Goals" and how to live united in marriage. Social media paints a picture-perfect image of what marriage goals should look like – those idyllic photos on a beach or atop a mountain with captions like #MarriageGoals. But today, we’re venturing beyond the Instagram facade to explore how you can truly create the marriage of your dreams – one that’s deeper, united, and undivided.
The hashtag-ready pics may draw likes, but genuine marriage goals focus on unity and purpose, not perfection. You may wonder, "What are the true goals of a marriage?" I created an acronym for UNITY that will help you remember to pursue unity in embracing your marriage goals. Inspired by Ephesians 4, I am taking you on a journey to uncover the real meaning of marriage and how to reset your marriage to its intended goal.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Ultimate Couple’s Checklist Here.
ALSO SEE: 5 Marriage Goals for a New Year
If you enjoy the show, please be sure to leave a five-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve let yourself go or lost yourself in your marriage, this will encourage you. A listener is struggling with self-image and motivation after having three kids in five years. She feels that she has let herself go and seeks advice on how to rediscover herself and get back to feeling like her old self. Listen in for encouragement, practical steps, and a simple 4-week blueprint I share to help reignite her spark and sense of self-worth.
Episode Highlights:
Grace and Gratitude: Giving voice to what is going right
Mental Health Consideration: Could this be postpartum depression?
4-Week Blueprint to Finding Yourself Again: Including a simple morning routine, making time for self-care, prioritizing time spent with her husband, and reflecting on the four-week experience.
Have a relationship or marriage question for the show?
Email or send a DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please give it a 5-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Entering into marriage is undoubtedly one of the most significant decisions you'll make in your life. But it comes with a cost. With the joys of the engagement season heightened by holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day, many find themselves caught up in the excitement of wedding planning. However, while beautiful ceremonies and Instagram-worthy moments are cherished, the essence of a marriage lies in its longevity and health. This podcast episode details nine important questions to ask before you get married and emphasizes the importance of counting the cost before tying the knot, ensuring that you're prepared for a lifetime commitment, not just a memorable wedding day.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your FREE "7 Secrets to a Lasting Marriage" Audio Download Here.
If you enjoy the show, please be sure to leave a five-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
We're addressing a listener's distressing experience of financial abuse within her marriage. Despite having a stable job and a good income, her husband refuses to pay household bills and indulges in personal expenditures. This has brought about financial strain and an emotional toll. Listen as we discuss the nature of financial abuse and what she can do to "fix" her situation.
Key Discussion Points:
- Understanding Financial Abuse: I elaborate on how financial abuse is a form of control, likened to physical, emotional, verbal, and other types of abuse.
- Potential Solutions: Best and worst-case scenarios are discussed, including the importance of courageous conversations with her husband and engaging a financial planner or counselor for intervention.
- Practical Steps: I outline actionable steps for our listener to protect her financial assets if her husband doesn't change.
- Legal Advice: I stress the importance of understanding her legal rights in marriage and documenting all financial decisions she makes.
Resources Mentioned:
- Episode 119: "Financial Peace in Your Marriage" with Austin Black
- Episode 137: "What is Financial Infidelity?" with Chad Willardson
- Get Your FREE Ultimate Couples Checklist: 5 Simple Steps to Build More Intimacy
Got a question you'd like answered on the show? Submit your relationship questions via email or on Instagram.
Like the show? Please give it a 5-star rating, and I'd love for you to write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Being a peacemaker is one of the greatest qualities to have in a relationship. As the holiday season approaches, many of us are preparing to gather—whether with family, friends, or even by ourselves—and the pursuit of peace in our relationships becomes more relevant than ever. In this episode, we discuss the value of peacemaking in relationships and discuss the many differences between peacemaking and “peacefaking.”
Key Topics:
- The Differences Between Peacemakers and Peacefakers
- The Importance of Starting with Reconciliation in Mind
- How Conflict Can Be a Tool for Growth
- How Listening Impacts Your Influence
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn About my online course: From Conflict to Connection
Get your Free Conversation Starters to Bash Conflict
If you enjoy the show, please be sure to leave a five-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you ever felt like your spouse was a shell of a person and you couldn't emotionally connect to him/her? I'm addressing a pressing concern shared by a listener and many couples - the struggle of feeling emotionally disconnected in their marriage or relationship. Many in similar situations will resonate deeply with this discussion.
Episode Highlights:
-
- Create a Safe Environment:
I address the importance of creating a space where couples feel safe to share their emotions. Understanding a partner’s background and upbringing can offer insight into their emotional responses. + Meet Him Where He Is:
Engaging in activities your spouse or partner enjoys can naturally open the door to deeper conversations and connection. + Lead with Vulnerability:
By sharing your own struggles and vulnerabilities, you can encourage your spouse to do the same. + Affirm Small Steps:
Acknowledging and affirming small instances of vulnerability can help build trust.
Have a marriage-related question for the show? Send your questions here or DM on Instagram.
Links and Resources:
- Take the "How Connected Are You Partner Quiz"
Tune in next week for another episode of relationship insights and advice!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Can you guess the divorce rate of arranged marriages? The stats might shock you. As an Indian immigrant and an insightful storyteller, Sherene Joseph joins me to discuss the nuanced world of arranged marriages. We’re debunking some common myths and exploring the profound impact of family involvement on choosing spouses, providing listeners with valuable relationship advice that transcends cultural and modern marriage boundaries.
Key Discussion Points:
Intentional Parenting: Emphasizing how parents can be intentional about helping their children prepare for marriage.
Family Dynamics: Sherene shares her personal experience with arranged marriage, the importance of understanding family dynamics, and the reality of such marriages versus common misconceptions.
Love and Commitment: Is love enough for a successful marriage?
Matchmaking: The episode touches on informal matchmaking practices within communities and the role of family in suggesting compatible partners.
Surprise Divorce Statistics: Modern marriages are often rife with divorce. We discuss the divorce stats among arranged marriages vs other marriages.
Resources Mentioned:
Find Sherene's Writings Online
Ep. 151 - What If Married the Wrong Person?
Get Your FREE Ultimate Couple's Checklist Here!
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
One listener feels overwhelmed by marriage problems and doesn’t know where or how to start addressing them. In today’s episode, we will discuss how to identify and prioritize marriage issues more effectively. Knowing where to focus can be challenging. How do you tackle your marriage problems without feeling buried under them all? Shaun is also here to give his take and offer guidance on finding patience and purpose amidst the turmoil.
Key Discussion Points:
- Finding Personal Purpose: the importance of recognizing one’s value beyond your career or marital status
- Shaun’s Perspective: developing patience with an at-risk marriage while focusing on self-improvement
- Prioritizing in Marriage: actionable advice on dealing with marriage problems one step at a time, including the importance of recognizing what is currently working and building upon it, while gradually addressing other areas in need of improvement.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Submit your marriage or relationship question for the show here. or send a DM on Instagram
Get your FREE Ultimate Couples Checklist here.
If you found this episode helpful, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or your preferred platform. Your feedback is invaluable!
Tune in next time for more insightful discussions on rebuilding and strengthening your marriage!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
We've all heard it said—marriage is hard. But what about marriage is so hard? Specifically, what is about your marriage that makes it hard work? In this episode, I’m sharing five reasons your marriage may be harder than it should be. Also, can we reframe that belief? What if instead of seeing marriage as hard work, we saw it as heart work?
Key Points:
- Changing Your Perspective on Marriage
Reframe the mindset from "marriage is hard work" to "marriage is heart work." Commit to becoming more resilient and seeing challenges as growth opportunities. - 5 Reasons Marriage Is Hard
Learn to recognize these common marriage problems: trying to change your partner, wishy-washy commitment, external influences, relying on your own strength, and focusing too much on problems. - Guarding Influences On Your Marriage
Discover the importance of guarding your mind, media consumption, and the words you use about your marriage. - Choose Your Hard
Make peace with the fact that good things are often hard. Challenges will exist in all areas of life, but “choosing your hard” will help you value what really matters.
Get the full show notes at danache.com/podcast.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 288: 7 Traits to Create a More Resilient Relationship
Get Your “Ultimate Couples Checklist” to Develop Greater Intimacy
Interested in 1 on 1 Marriage Coaching?
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
A husband is seeking advice on how to communicate to his wife that her nurturing behavior sometimes feels smothering and he needs space. They have been together since high school and married for three years. In this episode, we discuss compassionate and clear ways to communicate when you need to tell your spouse something that may be hard to hear.
Key Points Discussed:
- Understanding the Source Smothering Behavior
- Identifying the Love Languages of Your Spouse
- Encouraging Personal Space Without Distancing Yourself
- The Importance of Honest Communication:
- What to Change and Preventing Resentment
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download my "Ultimate Couple's Guide" to reignite the spark in your relationship.
Ask your marriage & relationship questions here or on Instagram.
Like the show? Give it a five-star rating and write a helpful review so others better their relationships too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
We all want lives of meaning. But building your life and relationships on a solid foundation is more complex than simply desire. This topic hits home for pretty much all of us—whether you're hustling in the business world, running after little ones at home, or working a 9-to-5. We all need to pause and ask: What am I living for, really? I reflect on a time I spoke at a business leaders conference; I spoke about the need to shift our focus from simply achieving success as per worldly standards to building a life on a firm foundation. But this dilemma isn’t applicable only to entrepreneurs and pastors. All of us can be tempted to sacrifice what’s most important for what seems most important. Listen as I share three practical steps on how to build a life of meaning--a life that is built on a firm foundation that will stand the test of time and trials.
Find the full show notes at danache.com/podcast.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your free “Ultimate Couples’ Checklist” for a more connected marriage today.
7 Traits of a Resilient Relationship
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
When you're best friends with both halves of a splitting couple, as listener Sherry is, things can get messy. Divorce is one of those life events that not only impacts the couple involved but also sends ripples through their connected circle of friends and family. So how do you show love and support without finding yourself stuck in the middle, or worse, causing unintended strains on your relationships and own marriage? In this episode, we dive into these questions and explore ways to maintain healthy boundaries and communications while also supporting your friends through a divorce.
Here are some key takeaways from the episode:
- Love as Individuals
- Respect Proper Boundaries
- Model Good Communication
- Forge a New Way Forward
- Prepare for New Relationships
Remember, it's essential not to let your friends' issues seep into your own marriage. Keep their struggles separate from your relationship, and focus on maintaining harmony at home.
Find the full show notes at danache.com/podcast.
If you have a relationship or marriage question you’d like answered on the show, email me or send a DM on Instagram.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In marriage and relationships, it’s crucial to understand how to build resilient relationships. Resilience isn’t about never facing challenges; it’s about facing them, growing through them, and becoming better because of them. Not everyone who faces hardship in relationships develops resilience; many become bitter and disillusioned. Having been married for 25 years, my husband Shaun and I have faced numerous marriage problems. From infidelity and financial crises to family losses and parenting struggles, we've endured it all. If you’ve followed our journey, you know that these challenges have fortified our resilience in profound ways. Listen as we discuss the seven character traits of building or rebuilding marriages and relationships of resilience.
Find the full show notes and helpful resources in this episode at danache.com/podcast.
Get Your FREE New Resource! The Ultimate Couples Checklist: 5 Simple Steps to Build More Intimacy
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Chris, a husband of three years, is seeking advice on managing his friendships while maintaining harmony in his marriage. He shares his struggle with balancing time spent with friends and his wife's apparent displeasure with it. In this episode, we discuss what to do when your spouse has trust issues, the important balance between friendships and marital commitments, and other practical advice for couples facing similar situations.
Key Points Discussed:
- Trust Issues
- Healthy Friendships in Marriage
- Balancing Social Time
- Couple Friends
- Open Communication
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download my free “Ultimate Couples Checklist: 5 Simple Steps to Build More Intimacy” to rekindle the spark in your marriage.
Email to ask your marriage and relationship questions here or DM on Instagram.
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Life is busy! Now more than ever is the time to stay connected as a couple. Shaun is back on the podcast and we’re discussing how to maintain a strong connection as a couple in the midst of busy schedules and seasons. Whether you’re juggling careers, family, life changes, or personal growth, listen as we share insights we’ve learned (and are in the process of learning) on effective communication, finding moments of quality time, and appreciating your current season of life, no matter how busy life is right now.
Find the full show notes at danache.com/podcast.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
New Resource! The Ultimate Couples Checklist: 5 Simple Steps to Build More Intimacy
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
I received a heartfelt email from a listener struggling with the aftermath of his wife’s affair. His words resonated with me, and I found myself reflecting on my own journey through such tumultuous times. In this episode, I share some insights, offering guidance and support for anyone walking this difficult path, including:
- Understanding the Aftermath
- The Importance of Time and Patience
- Avoid Triggering Media
- Forgiveness Goes Both Ways
- Turning Your Sorrow to Prayer
If you or someone you know is facing similar struggles, I encourage you to reach out. You’re not alone, and as I often remind you, healing is indeed coming. Stay the course, my friends; brighter days are ahead.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Emotional affairs are entanglements that can quietly wreak havoc on marriages, so understanding and addressing them is critical for rebuilding trust and intimacy in our relationships. Too many couples allow unmet desires or longings to be fulfilled in other people and, as a result, introduce dysfunction in their marriages. Rebuilding trust after an emotional affair is possible, but first, let’s dismantle how these breaches in trust happen in the first place. We’re talking about the who, what, when, where, how, and why, and, most importantly, where to go from here if an emotional affair has rocked your marriage.
Rebuilding trust after discovering an emotional affair is challenging, but it’s definitely achievable with the right steps and commitment. Here’s a roadmap to guide you:
Sever Ties Completely.
Be Completely Honest and Transparent.
Reflect on the Open Door.
Set Relationship Boundaries.
Get the full show notes at https://danache.com/podcast.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Work Wife? When Infidelity Happens at Work - YouTube
Take My Free Partner Quiz & Rebuild Connection in Your Relationship
6 Keys to Rebuild Trust After an Affair
Like the show? Please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you ever felt an unexpected attraction towards someone who should be off-limits, like a friend's spouse? In today's episode, we answer a listener's dilemma about finding herself attracted to her best friend's husband—all while she's navigating a rocky marriage of her own.
In this episode, I'll walk through steps on how to handle these sensitive situations without jeopardizing friendships and marriages. We'll discuss:
- Understanding the nature of attraction, and why it's not inherently wrong.
- How to identify what might be lacking in your own relationship.
- The importance of not idolizing or comparing and keeping things in perspective.
- Practical advice on how to limit interactions and keep temptations in check.
- The value of confiding in a trusted friend to disempower unhealthy fantasies.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Deepen your understanding of real love with the Love Is devotional.
Like the show? Please give it a 5-star rating and a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are you a wife who feels overwhelmed and exhausted? If you're a busy woman trying to juggle multiple roles, you’re not alone. In this episode, we dive deep into the burnout epidemic affecting many women (especially wives) today. In "Burnout of the Busy Wife," I share my personal journey and provide invaluable insights on how to detect and combat burnout effectively. Let’s unpack the differences between stress and burnout. I not only share personal experiences but also provide actionable steps to combat burnout, particularly among wives and working women.
Overcome burnout in community. ⬇️
Join our Thrive Wives group coaching today!
Get Your Free Speak Life Audio Here.
Like the show? Please give it a 5-star rating, and I’d love it if you’d write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In today’s Q&A episode, I’m addressing a relatable question from Shannon, a listener who feels that her “decent” marriage could use a change, but she doesn’t want to sound like she’s complaining to her husband. After twelve years of marriage and three kids, Shannon is eager to reignite the spark in her marriage but finds communication challenging when her husband perceives her concerns as complaints.
Here’s the marriage advice I give Shannon broken into three main parts that include identifying the change she wants to see, reflecting on the change she can bring, and a new conversation starter to help her see effective communication for the change she desires in her marriage.
Resources and Links
- Wives, join my upcoming workshop, where we’ll cover three keys to getting unstuck in marriage. Find more details and register for the Wives Workshop here.
- Download your free guide to enhance communication and find common ground in your relationship.
- Have a relationship question you’d like answered on the show? Submit your questions to danache.com/contact.
Like the show? We'd love if you'd give it a 5-star rating and write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
If you've ever struggled to forgive, you'll find the hope and help you're looking for in one of my most inspirational episodes yet. It's time you find the will to forgive and, in the process, find yourself again. When I was healing from infidelity, I found it difficult to lay down my need to be justified and have my pain validated. Because of this, I kept myself stuck in a cycle of pain, bitterness, and unforgiveness. But when I learned how to release the pain, I realized peace and true joy were waiting for me on the other side. I've had to repeat this process in my life with different people, but the results are always the same---the way back to you, the whole, healed you, is only found on the path of forgiveness.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take my "How Connected a Partner Are You Quiz"
Wives, register for our upcoming Wives Workshop on forgiveness and more.
Like the show? Please give it a 5-star rating, and I'd love it if you'd write a review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Allison, a listener who's torn between her husband and her family of origin, wrote to ask my advice on navigating how to honor her marriage while also honoring her family, as her husband "hates" the family she grew up with. Because of past family trauma, Allison was estranged from her parents when she and her husband married. She has since reconciled with them, but her husband's not on board. Listen as I share relationship advice about how to avoid becoming a defacto mediator between the two. If you've struggled with setting boundaries with family, unforgiveness, or feeling in the middle of spouse and others, this episode is for you.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about my Thrive Wives group coaching program
Have a relationship question you want me to answer on the show? Submit your question here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow, too!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Should you divulge every detail of your life to your spouse or keep certain things in the pocket? Let's talk about the importance of openness, trust, and friendship in a healthy marriage. Marriage is a beautiful journey of mutual love, trust, and companionship. However, whether we should tell our spouse everything often looms large. Are secrets always a bad thing? In this episode, you’ll hear insights and actionable tips for building a more intimate and honest relationship with your spouse.
Key Takeaways:
- Oneness:
Emphasizing the united front in marriage and the importance of sharing every part of your life with your spouse. * Trust and Accountability:
Being open about even the small details to build a foundation of trust and avoid potential pitfalls. Volunteering information. * Friendship:
Developing a deeper friendship with your spouse to enhance the quality of your marriage. * Practical Tips:
Being proactive in sharing information, rebuilding trust, and communicating effectively even if your marriage is standoffish.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about Thrive Wives Group Coaching
Check out my YouTube channel for video podcasts and more relationship tips
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow, too!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Dating your spouse is oh-so-important, but what if your finances are on the struggle bus? I'm sharing four budget-friendly getaway ideas you'll want to try in your marriage. All of these tips are an invitation to the adventure of consistently dating your spouse . . . for a longer time stint. No money? No problem. Listen as I share some tips on how you can utilize the people in your circle to plan creative ideas for spending time with the one you love.
Want to submit a relationship question for the show? Email or DM me.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict here.
Ep. 52 - Making Love Outside the Bedroom
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow, too!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you ever feel like your relationship is running on a treadmill? Moving, but not really getting anywhere? It’s a common concern, whether it’s in a marriage, a long-standing friendship, or a new romantic relationship. Sometimes, the stagnation can make you question the viability of your connection. But don't worry—your relationship isn’t doomed. In fact, every relationship experiences hills, valleys, peaks, and stop points. In this episode, we’ll explore five reasons your relationship is stuck. We’re also going to dive deep into actionable steps you can take to get things moving again.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Join our upcoming Thrive Wives Group Coaching
Episode 126 - How to Create a Step-by-Step Vision for Your Marriage
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
And remember to rate and follow the show!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It can be a complicated adjustment when a marriage ends in divorce. How soon is too soon to "get out there?" A listener asked if it's too soon to date after divorce and how to know when it's the right time. I share my thoughts on determining the right time and process to dating after divorce, including ensuring the marriage that ended is left in the best condition possible before beginning a new relationship.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 224 - Releasing the Weight of Relationship Baggage
Submit your relationship questions here.
Follow Dana Che on Instagram
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the Podcast
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
We’re telling the truth about lying in today’s episode. It's an oxymoron, isn’t it? For most people, lying is a behavior learned in childhood and, unfortunately, carries into adulthood. From telling white lies to avoid minor inconveniences to engaging in more elaborate fabrications to protect ourselves, lying has become an almost reflexive coping mechanism. But make no mistake; lying is a form of betrayal that sows distrust, instability, and insecurity in any relationship.
But why do we lie? When we were children, lying often served as a tool to evade punishment or avoid disappointing our parents. This behavior stems from an inherent fear of repercussions and an unrefined sense of protecting ourselves. Interestingly, lying doesn’t stop there. We carry this survival tactic into adulthood, whether to protect ourselves or someone we love or to avoid conflict.
We also discuss how lying destroys relationships and tips on rebuilding trust after lying.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Join Our Upcoming Thrive Wives Group Coaching!
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you have a strong-willed child that makes parenting hard at times? Today, a listener wants to know how she can get through to her strong-willed, stubborn child while keeping her love on. I can relate to this mom because all four of my children are strong-willed. My mom says they get it from their mama, but I have no idea what she's talking about. Listen in as I share some helpful encouragement, parenting advice, and resources to help you parents who feel you're on the struggle bus of parenting at times, just trying to love your kids and raise them to be the best they can be.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
I Hate My Teenage Daughter YouTube Video
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for When You're in Conflict
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Support the show: https://rebuildinguspodcast.com/donations/donate/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you been around someone or do you struggle with having a critical spirit? We all need to be challenged sometimes, but criticism is rarely ever helpful. What is the difference between criticism and feedback and how can you cultivate an honest, authentic relationship that isn’t conflict-avoidant but one that values kindness even in the “critique?” This conversation will help you to reframe and readdress conflict in a more healthy, helpful way.
Key Points:
- Intention Matters
- Tone and Specificity
- Tips for the Criticizing Individual
- Coping with Criticism
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 88 - Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
Ep. 86: It’s Not You; It’s Me (I Statements)
Get Your Free Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Being misunderstood can be a frustrating reality of a disconnected relationship. When someone hears something you didn't say or doesn't properly understand what you mean, it can wreak havoc on your communication. Today's listener question comes from a woman whose boyfriend consistently misunderstands what she means, especially when in disagreement. He even thinks that to disagree is to disrespect. 👀 Listen in as I share how she can ask better questions to get to the heart of the matter. And remember, Proverbs 18:13 says, "Those who answer before they listen are foolish and disgraceful." Ouch but true.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take My Online Course: From Conflict to Connection
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In this episode, we are uncovering gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation that distorts reality and causes people to question their perceptions and memories. It’s intense, pervasive, and can wreak havoc in relationships. But fear not, because we explored the roots, manifestation, and impact of gaslighting to help you combat this toxic behavior head-on.
We also debunked the common misconception that gaslighting is just a form of disagreement. It’s not. It’s a manipulative, intentional distortion of reality leading to doubt and confusion in the victim's mind. This is the essence of gaslighting, and recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it. Listen as I share four key tips to avoid or correct gaslighting in a relationship.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 266: Triangulation: Are You the Victim, Villain, or Hero in Your Relationship?
Ep. 260: Love, Respect, and the Fallacy of Biblical Submission
Build a Deeper Connection with my Free "How Connected Are You? Quiz
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you ever wonder why you seem to make the same mistakes in relationships or attract the same type of people, especially when those people aren't good for you? Today's question comes from a listener who wants to ensure she doesn't make the same mistakes in her new relationship that she did in her old ones. Listen as I share five keys with her about relinquishing the past and moving forward with a clean slate. If you've struggled with the same cycles of behaviors in relationship after relationship, this episode will remind you that you can truly begin again, unscathed, unashamed, and unhindered.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take My Free "How Connected a Partner Are You" Quiz Here
Ep. 224: Baggage Claim - Releasing the Weight of Relationship Baggage
Get My "Love Is" Interactive Devotional Here
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you ever been told you're passive-aggressive or been in a relationship with someone who was? We're continuing our "toxic truths" series and discussing this often unspoken and confusing communication pattern. Passive-aggressive people have a hard time being direct and opt for more indirect ways of showing their disapproval, leading to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict in relationships. This episode addresses how to handle and confront passive-aggressive tendencies like nonverbal cues and silent treatments to connect and communicate better in your relationship and offers practical advice for both individuals struggling with passive aggressiveness and those dealing with it in their relationships.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Free Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict Here
Ep. 87 - The Silent Treatment vs Silence
Anniversary Special: Get Your FREE "Love Is" Interactive Devotional Here!
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE and leave a 5-star rating and review!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you ever wonder if staying in your marriage just to please God is a good enough reason to endure? Today's question from a listener who is wondering this very thing sparked a great conversation about what are the valid reasons to separate or divorce your spouse if you're a Christian. Is staying with your spouse just because the Bible says so or you feel pressure because of your church or religious beliefs enough? Listen as we broach this very timely and important subject that every Christian marriage needs to hear.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 135 - How to Know When It's Time to Divorce
Get your FREE Speak Life Audio Affirmations Here
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Have you heard of the concept of triangulation in relationships? In essence, triangulation involves three people: a victim, a villain, and a hero. It is a method of relating that can involve manipulation and power plays that often ensnare individuals in various types of relationships. Whether it's romantic entanglements, friendships, or a parent-child relationship, triangulation creates a triangular communication pattern between three people, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and a deep sense of disconnection.
If you've ever found yourself caught in the web of triangulation, you'll resonate with the roles we explore in this episode: the victim, the hero, and the villain, and, more importantly, learn how to break free from the triangulation trap and develop. healthier relationships.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 140: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage
Get Your Free Conversation Starters Couples Here
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Sexless marriages are on the rise, leaving both husband and wife frustrated, lonely, and hurt. Today's question comes from a listener who's been married for 30 years and sexless for one year. He describes in painful detail how his wife's rejection has him leaning toward divorce and how he is tempted consistently. This episode is not for the faint at heart. Listen in as I encourage this husband and anyone else who may be experiencing a sexless marriage how to overcome it and become free to enjoy the physical pleasure your marriage needs.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
76: 8 Reasons Why Women Won’t Initiate Sex (Shameless Sex Series)
27: Lopsided Libido – How to Deal with Different Sex Drives (All About Sex Series)
Are You in a Sexless Marriage (YouTube)
Get My FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Most Christian couples would never think of their spouse or their marriage as an idol. But chances are good that that is exactly what happens in many relationships. On this episode we define what idolatry is in our modern world and how we easily fall into it. What is idolatry in the context of marriage? What are the dangers of making marriage an idol and how do you destroy the idol without destroying the relationship?
Throughout the episode, I discuss the dangers of making marriage or a spouse an idol and the potential pitfalls when God is not in the rightful place. The discussion also warns against maintaining a "transactional" relationship with God, seeking him just for needs instead of an ongoing relationship just because. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own relationships and seek God's presence to address any idols in their lives.
Links Mentioned in the Show
To listen to a sermon I preached on “Idols in Disguise,” click here.
Don’t forget to download your “Speak Life Audio Affirmations” here.
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Have you ever been told you don't speak up enough or you're not "assertive" enough in a relationship? Today's listener question comes from a woman whose husband wants her to not be so submissive but to stand up for what she wants in their marriage. He puts a different spin on submission, which leads her to want to know how she can start asserting herself more in her marriage. It's a great question, and I hope she finds encouragement in my answer.
Do you have a relationship question you want me to answer on the podcast? Email your question to rebuildinguspodcast.com/contact or send me a DM on Instagram @mrsdanache.
Freebies this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict here.
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Today, we’re talking about a different kind of AI: not artificial intelligence but “artificial intimacy.” Why do some people settle for inauthentic, shallow relationships instead of real ones? Drawing parallels between the impact of inauthenticity in relationships and the lack of uniqueness in AI-generated articles, I explained the irreplaceable value of genuine human connection.
People choose not to embrace authenticity in their relationships for many reasons, including the fear of rejection. I share four keys to creating real, intimate relationships as we debunk the notion that artificial intimacy can ever substitute for the real, deep connections we all yearn for.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take my FREE “How Connected Are You” Quiz
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If you've ever loved someone struggling with addiction, you know how lonely and difficult a journey it can be. Today's question comes from a wife who wants to know what to do about her husband's drinking, especially since he won't admit he has a problem. I share four key points and a few resources with her in hopes of encouraging her to seek help for herself even if her husband won't seek help for his addiction. If you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted to alcohol or other substances, there is hope and healing for you. Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those crushed in spirit."
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Alcoholics Anonymous
Celebrate Recovery
Ep. 98 - The Difference Between Nagging & Reminding
Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
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Biblical submission has been misinterpreted and misunderstood for ages. Today, the topic can be taboo and controversial, which is why we’re going there! I want to bring a balanced viewpoint to a conversation that is worthy of another godly perspective. My husband, Shaun, is back for this episode, and we begin with a candid discussion about decision-making in marriage. How would you define the concept of mutual submission in marriage?
The episode's engagement with biblical passages about wives' submission to husbands explores the literal interpretation and application of such scriptures in a modern context. It calls attention to the need for a nuanced understanding of biblical principles and their relevance in contemporary marriages.
Visit rebuildinguspodcast.com for the full show notes & resources
Helpful Resources to Continue the Conversation:
What Does Submission in Marriage Look Like? By Rev. Dr. Toornstra
Take My FREE “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz
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Submission in marriage is a controversial topic, especially among Christians. Should wives submit to their husbands in these days or is submission a thing of the past? A listener asked me this question, and I am addressing this topic on the podcast today. Scriptures such as Ephesians 5 can long be used to support women submitting to their husbands, so let's talk about it. Whether you believe that women should submit to their husbands or not, this episode is sure to be a great conversation piece.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Take My Online Course: From Conflict to Connection - How to Communicate Without Arguing
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Do you ever find yourself triggered by the thought of not being enough? Perhaps you believe your abilities fall short, your self-worth is under attack, or your identity is somehow flawed. It's a pervasive feeling that can linger in our minds, affecting both our personal and professional lives. We’re getting into the nitty-gritty of combating those "I'm not enough" thoughts in this universal struggle and shedding light on the roots of these beliefs by providing four powerful keys to overcoming the “I’m not enough” syndrome.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Want to Learn to Communicate Without Fighting?Take My New Course - From Conflict to Connection
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Marriage counseling is a widely accepted way of receiving marriage help. However, marriage coaching is on the rise, and many couples have experienced lasting and effective results from this process. Today's podcast listener question comes from a guy who thinks his marriage is pretty good yet his wife feels they need marriage counseling. He wants to know the difference between marriage counseling and marriage coaching. Listen as I share six differences between the two and which one might benefit you the most.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take My Online Course: From Conflict to Connection - How to Communicate Without Arguing
Need Marriage Coaching? Schedule Your Free Discovery Call Today
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Prayer is fundamental to any healthy, Christian marriage, so why don't more spouses pray for their marriage? Weariness, disappointment, and apathy are all obstacles we must overcome to develop loving, resilient marriages. Today, I'm sharing five ways to pray for your marriage, using the acronym C.O.V.E.R. If you practice what you hear in today's episode, I am confident your marriage will exponentially change for the better. The key to prayer is trusting in God's timing and His ways. I still remember when I prayed for the things I have now . . . that's not only a sign in my office, it's my testimony. Enjoy this sweet repeat that originally aired in January, 2023.
Linked Mentioned in this Episode:
Pray These Three Prayers for Your Life & Relationships
Get Your Free Audio download: Speak Life Affirmations
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Today's relationship question comes from a listener who wants to hear she's on the right track healing from the emotional damage of her husband's affair. In this episode, I share five key signs to know if you're on the right track from healing from any relational hurt. I liken healing emotionally to healing physically. The effects are very similar. Remember, everyone heals at a different pace, so be gracious with yourself as you courageously journey forward to healing your broken heart after it's been wounded by someone you love.
Have a marriage-related or relationship question you want answered on the show? Email me or DM me today.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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A topic that comes up most often with my marriage coaching clients is what to do when your spouse is emotionally distant. We've covered this marriage issue before on the podcast but because it's an ongoing problem in many marriages, we're bringing it back for a "sweet repeat." If your spouse has a hard time explaining or even understanding their feelings, this episode will encourage you with steps to take to bridge the disconnection gap and rebuild connection in your marriage even with an "emotionally distant" spouse.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Worried your partner may be having an affair? Take my free "Affair Quiz" today for a blueprint on what to do when infidelity enters your relationship.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Isn't it frustrating when you can't seem to agree on anything in your relationship? Today's question comes from a listener who wants to know how to get his point across without arguing with his spouse. Maybe you've wondered the same. I am sharing a very effective communication tool called the "mirror moment." This is when you explain to your spouse or partner how you feel and help them to do the same. Listen to the full episode to see how this works in action.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters Guide for Communicating in Conflict here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Rebuilding trust in your relationship when it has been damaged or destroyed may seem like an impossible feat. However, I believe there are 12 steps every marriage or relationship can benefit from when seeking to rebuild trust. Today's episode is a "sweet repeat" of episode 107 from July, 2022. These timeless truths will help any relationship with trust issues to get unstuck and begin the healing process.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the "How Vulnerable is My Relationship to an Affair? Quiz here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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When someone we love needs support, jumping into advice-giving mode is easy. Instead, we should ask these three powerful questions before dishing out solutions: Do you need a hug? Do you need help? Do you need to be heard? Beginning conversations with these questions deepens our connection and communicates respect, trust, and genuine concern. Recently, one of my marriage coaching clients shared that he started asking his wife three questions when he felt she needed his support. I’m calling it the "hug, help, hear" framework. Listen to today’s episode as I share personal stories about maintaining boundaries, empathic listening, and fostering genuine connections in relationships.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters Guide for Communicating in Conflict here.
Episode 89: 7 Steps to Become a Better Listener
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Today's Q&A is from a listener who believes their marriage is at a breaking point and needs advice on how to tell their spouse they want a divorce. Knowing little about the fallout of this marriage, I first encourage every couple in this situation to re-evaluate your marriage. Oftentimes, your marriage is not as far gone as you may believe. The fact that one spouse is asking how to tell their spouse they want a divorce leads me to believe the divorce is not mutual. Listen as I share a perspective on this very important conversation.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Ep. 245: 5 Boxes to Check Before You Divorce - with Dr. Kim Kimberling
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Communicating in Conflict Here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Many marriages face problems and losses that test the very fabric of their relationships. From communication breakdowns to deep-rooted conflicts, navigating through the complexities of a marriage can be difficult. But there is hope. In this episode, we will explore the crucial concept of tearing down and building up in the context of a struggling marriage. Ecclesiastes 3:3 says, “There is a time to tear down and time to build up.” I believe as you work on rebuilding your marriage, there are three keys to taking a marriage from destruction to restoration.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Communicating in Conflict Here.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the PodcastIf you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In today's digital age, many affairs start online. Today's question is from a wife whose husband looks at semi-nude pics of women online and gets angry when she confronts him. This listener wants to know how to set boundaries with her husband to change his behavior. Take a listen as I explain how boundaries work in marriage and what she can do if her husband doesn't change his behavior.
Have a question you'd like answered on the show? Send an email here or direct message me on Instagram.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take my "Affair Proof" Quiz Here
Ep. 231: 10 Warning Signs + 12 Digital Signs of an Affair
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Have you ever wondered what happens in a marriage coaching session? Will and Jo, a husband and wife married for three years need help reconnecting after a separation. They willingly discuss the challenges that led them to separate and what they're doing today to make version two of their marriage work. Jo and her husband navigated through financial struggles, boundaries, and the complexities of a blended family. Listen as I guide them through conversations on communication, finances, and the power of feedback. Through live coaching with the couple, Will and Joe, we witness the transformative potential of open communication, understanding, and willingness to rebuild a marriage. This episode is a testament to the resilience of love and the possibilities of healing and growth in relationships. Let's dive into this relatable journey of rebuilding a marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Take the “Is My Relationship Vulnerable to an Affair” Quiz Here
🔗 Ep. 242: I Don’t Want My Husband But I Don’t Want a Divorce Either
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the Podcast
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One of the most powerful ways to pray is to use the Word of God in your prayers. Scripture teaches us how to enact God's kingdom here on Earth in our lives, including our marriages. Today’s question comes from a listener who listened to another episode I recently shared about prayer and wanted to know how exactly to pray the Scripture over her marriage. Take a listen and employ this simple solution to praying God’s words in faith as you expect Him to work on your behalf.
Other Helpful Episodes:
242: I Don’t Want My Husband But I Don’t Want a Divorce Either
210: 5 Prayers to Pray for Your Husband
208: 5 Prayers to Pray for Your Wife
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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I don’t know where you are in your marriage today, but I believe God led you to this episode for a purpose. If we’re honest, most married people have thought about divorce at some point in their relationship. Perhaps, right now, you might be about to file papers or maybe you desperately want to help a friend or loved one who is considering divorce.
Our culture says divorce is a necessary solution to a broken marriage. But what if it’s not? What if restoration is easier than you think?
Our guest today is Dr. Kim Kimberling of the Awesome Marriage podcast, and he’s going to walk us through a checklist of sorts . . . five critical things to do before you divorce.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Learn more about Dr. Kim and his marriage resources
🔗 Take the “Is My Relationship Vulnerable to an Affair” Quiz Here
🔗 Ep. 242: I Don’t Want My Husband But I Don’t Want a Divorce Either
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the PodcastIf you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Whether you have a blended family or not, agreeing on how to parent the kids can be a challenge. Today's question comes from a listener who wants to know how to handle when his wife is too strict with the kids. He's tried bringing the issue to her attention but she gives him the silent treatment. Listen as I share three thoughts on how to agree with your spouse on values even when you disagree on parenting methods.
ALSO LISTEN TO: 157: When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids
Resource Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the "Is My Relationship at Risk for an Affair?" Quiz today!
Got a marriage or relationship question you’d like answered on the podcast? Submit your questions at rebuildinguspodcast.com or DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Are you frustrated with a husband who isn't taking the lead spiritually in your marriage? In this episode, I provide practical, empowering solutions for wives, giving you the keys to unlocking spiritual intimacy and building a stronger, deeper connection with your husband. From fostering open conversations to offering support and love, I’m sharing three do’s and don’ts to help end the tension in your marriage due to mismatched spiritual paths. We also briefly discuss gender roles in Christianity and how they intersect with spiritual leadership in marriage. I believe in balanced partnership and male leadership within the marriage, inspired by the example of the Holy Trinity. This episode will encourage any wife who wants to see her husband lead spiritually.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Ep. 185: How to Have More Spiritual Intimacy in Your Marriage
🔗 Ep. 210: 5 Prayers to Pray Over Your Husband
🔗 Download “Heart-to-Heart Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the PodcastIf you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you ever experienced resentment or boredom in your relationship? A listener wants to know how to overcome feeling stuck between not wanting to be around her husband and not wanting to divorce him either. She acknowledges that while she's trying to work on communication, she's struggling to find motivation and is unsure about the next steps for her marriage.
Listen in as we discuss how resentment happens, its relationship to unforgiveness, and some practical steps to take when living in a boring marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Ep. 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
🔗 Protect or Rebuild Your Marriage from Infidelity
Got a marriage or relationship question you’d like answered on the podcast? Submit your questions at rebuildinguspodcast.com or DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Hormones are those sneaky, hidden chemicals that can wreak havoc on our bodies . . . and on our relationships. Our guest, Becky Yawn, is helping us understand why it's important that women, especially, understand how certain hormones affect our mood and communication. What if the conflict you're facing in your marriage is more than meets the eye? What if the internal changes in your hormones are partly to blame?
Join us for this fun and informative conversation with Bekah, a fertility coach and For the Love of Hormones podcast host. Bekah also shares about non-conventional ways to conceive without medication or drugs and shares her heartbreaking yet redemptive stories of miscarriage. Turn up the volume and bring all your personalities to this episode!
For the full show notes, visit rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗 Learn all about Bekah's hormone & fertility programs here.
🔗 Get on the waitlist for the Infidelity Intensive
🔗 For the Love of Hormones Podcast
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Leave a Review and Subscribe to the Podcast
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Carrying secrets in marriage can cause you to live in fear and disconnection. A listener asks if she should come clean about some shady behavior when she and her husband were on bad terms. The weight of carrying this secret is weighing her down. What should you do if you're keeping a secret in your marriage or relationship? Should everything be brought to the light or are some things better off hidden? We're discussing this question and asking what the Bible says (if anything) about secrets in relationships.
Got a marriage or relationship question you’d like answered on the podcast? Submit your questions at rebuildinguspodcast.com or DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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All is not lost after an affair. You and your marriage can become more resilient and stronger from what could’ve destroyed you. Shame says, “You are damaged. You are bad.” But that is not true. You can truly rise above shame and have hope even after an affair. Shaun is back on the podcast today, and we’re discussing what we learned from our affairs. This conversation will help all who have been affected by the impact of infidelity in your relationship and will help you believe the journey toward healing and rebuilding trust is attainable.
In this episode, Shaun and I talk about some “hidden blessings” we’ve learned along the way and encourage you to do the same. As Maya Angelou says, “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” Your marriage may have gone through infidelity, but infidelity does not have to be the end.
My infidelity intensive course helps individuals and couples to finally heal from the shame and pain of infidelity.
Learn more about Infidelity Intensive here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Full show notes are at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
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Today's marriage advice is for a listener struggling with the feeling of complacency and stagnation in a long-term marriage. Here's the question she asked:
I really need good sound advice I've been with my husband for 25 yrs & I find myself thinking of a different life. Everything is the same ole same ole. Money is always tight. We work, come home, connected with our phones (more than each other). I am not sure if I can take another 25 yrs of this. He feels the marriage is fine, so clearly it's me. Any advice would be great. Many thanks, Mrs. Mathers
Listen as I share with our listener four practical steps that she (yes, she) can take to get out of the marriage rut she's in.
Got a marriage or relationship question you'd like answered on the podcast? Submit your questions at rebuildinguspodcast.com or DM on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Let's talk about what it takes to heal and rebuild trust after the devastating impact of infidelity. In this episode, we break down the critical steps for both the cheating spouse and the wounded spouse. You may be familiar with the main themes in this episode like the importance of open and honest communication and a no-contact rule. Other factors that fly under the radar, however, like what good boundaries are and initiated accountability aren't always so obvious, though equally essential. The cheating spouse must take the proactive approach of being humble, transparent, and responsible for their actions.
Get the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
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If your spouse has had multiple affairs, it can be hard to believe they have truly repented. When is enough enough? This was the question from a listener named Greg:
Dana, I am so thankful you are doing the series on affairs. As a man, it’s really hard to admit that my wife does not find me desirable. She has found love in the arms of another. The problem is she keeps saying that she’s sorry. I found out a few months ago that she is involved in yet another of these situations. I’m sure you can understand what that must do to a man. I love her. She’s a great mother. But I’m wondering how many times I should take her back?
My heart goes out to Greg and others who find themselves locked in a revolving door marriage with other people. Infidelity is hard enough the first time; multiple affairs are devastating. Listen in as I share some challenging words of advice about how to know when enough is enough after repeated infidelity.
Have a relationship question you'd like answered on the podcast? Submit your question at rebuildinguspodcast.com or DM me on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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We're getting real about navigating through the mess of shame and blame in the aftermath of infidelity. It's a deep, emotional rollercoaster of an episode but so needed. So, buckle up, because it's about to get raw and honest. First off, it’s important to note that while either or both spouses may feel blame; shame is never productive. There is a stark difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am someone bad.”
This episode is for any person who has ever suffered the betrayal of their partner and it's also for the one who has betrayed. No shame on you. Just hope and healing. Listen in.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the FREE "How Connected a Partner Are You?" Quiz
Ep. 233: Discovering Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful: Now What?
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Today's question comes from one of my Instagram followers who wants some suggestions on how to get in the mood for sex. Low libido or lack of sexual desire is a very common issue. Here's the question:
I have a question about intimacy. I have a hard time getting in the mood for sex. This has been a recurring issue for me. I just don’t think I’ve ever had a high sex drive. But I want him to be happy. I know it’s important to him. I’ve listened to some of your podcast episodes in the shameless sex series. You did a while back. Are there any quick fixes you can give for those of us who struggle in this department?
Listen in as I share my suggestions using the analogy of "getting your head in the game."
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the "How Connected a Partner Are You?" Quiz here.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
Please Leave a Review and Subscribe to the Podcast.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
As you deal with the shock of discovering your spouse’s infidelity, it can feel like a collision with a semi-truck, leaving you paralyzed, numb, and drowning in a sea of emotions. You have been traumatized. Your initial response to such devastating news can be paralyzing, leaving you grappling with disbelief, pain, and confusion. It’s a sensitive yet profoundly significant topic – navigating the aftermath of discovering a partner’s infidelity. Let’s unravel the emotional journey, practical steps, and the pathway to healing after the shattering revelation of a spouse’s unfaithfulness.
Respond, Don’t React:
In the midst of this emotional turbulence, it’s better to embrace a strategic approach – responding, not reacting. The distinction between these two responses will be critical as you navigate in the storm. Impulsively reacting, no matter how temporarily satisfying it may seem, only compounds the situation. Instead, choosing a thoughtful and intentional response lays the groundwork for healing and restoration. Listen as I share some suggestions to help accelerate the healing process.
Find the full show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download your “Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict” guide here.
Book suggestion: Good Grief by Granger Westberg
Ep. 229: Hubby Talks: What Caused Infidelity in Our Marriage [Affair-Proof]
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We're addressing a listener's question about having no feelings for her husband anymore. She still has some desire to rebuild her marriage despite feeling empty and detached. If you've ever felt similarly about your spouse, you, too, will benefit from what I share. I explain how to "reignite" the loving feelings for your spouse with three responses: feelings, forgiveness, and faith.
The fact is that feelings are not final, and they are fickle. They are precious but not the priority. Instead of being led by our feelings, there are healthier and more effective ways to handle our lack of feelings toward our spouse. Listen in to learn the pathway forward.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
🔗Related Episode: #80: Feelings Aren't Forever
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A staggering 40% of marriages will experience Infidelity at some point, Inevitably, infidelity leaves clues. Here are 10 warning signs plus 12 bonus digital red flags to be aware of that a spouse might be having an affair in person or online. It’s a hard topic to discuss, but I want you to be aware of these potential adultery indicators that may need to be addressed sooner than later. The purpose of this podcast is not to make you paranoid or suspicious of your spouse but to shed light on any deception in your marriage you may be unaware of. Remember, you can’t fix what you don’t face.
My husband, Shaun, and I shared our own story of infidelity on last week’s episode. Many of the warning signs we discussed during today’s show were present in my marriage. I’ve also witnessed these signs in the marriages of those I coach who are or have healed from infidelity. With nearly 25 years of marriage experience, I'm passionate about providing valuable insights into rebuilding relationships after infidelity and fostering open, honest conversations.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Take the “How Connected Are You” Partner Quiz Today
Episode 229: Hubby Talks: What Caused Infidelity in Our Marriage
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Learning your spouse is having an affair is devastating. One of our listeners wants to know if she should confront the other woman her husband was unfaithful with. This is an honest and vulnerable question that many betrayed spouses have when they are trying to make sense of the infidelity. I am sharing my best relationship advice with this listener and hope that you, too, will find answers should you find yourself in this unfortunate situation.
Have a marriage or relationship question you want to submit for the show? Do so at rebuildinguspodcast.com/contact or send me a message on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages nd relationships grow too!
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We're starting a new series on how to rebuild your marriage after an affair. My hubby, Shaun, and I are telling our story of what caused us to be unfaithful in our marriage, what we learned, and what safety nets we've put in place to keep another affair from happening. Christian couples are not immune to adultery, unfortunately. Most marriages have little to no boundaries, so it's no wonder couples find themselves cheating on their spouses against their good intentions.
This conversation is as real as it gets. If you want to protect your marriage from infidelity or are in the middle of trying to rebuild trust after an affair, this episode is for you.
Find the full show notes at https://rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 3: Rebuilding Our Marriage; Rebuilding Our Trust
Take the FREE "How Connected Are You" Partner Quiz
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As we grow older, our desires often change. One of our listeners has changed her mind about having kids and wants to know how to tell her husband. This conversation is coming up more and more, especially with younger couples. It's one thing to decide not to have kids before getting married, but often, something changes when you see someone else's cute baby or realize your biological clock is ticking quickly.
Listen as I share my perspective on how to have a conversation with your spouse if your desire for children changes.
Submit Your Questions
Have a marriage or relationship question you want to submit for the show? Do so at rebuildinguspodcast.com/contact or send me a message on Instagram.
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Welcome to the all-new "Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast, formerly known as Real Relationship Talk. I'm your host, Dana Che, marriage coach, and your guide on this journey to rediscovering the beauty and strength of your marriage.
In a world where relationships are easily broken and discarded, this podcast is your lighthouse. All is not lost. Join us as we explore the stories of couples who have overcome all kinds of adversity, reignited their love, and rebuilt their marriages from the ground up. Oh, and I’m not shy about my own marriage being restored from adultery. It’s why I do this podcast. If we made it, so can you.
We couldn’t have made it without God on our side. His word is my guiding light. But on this podcast, we dig beyond surface-level Christian talk to see God at the center of our most messy spaces. From infidelity to intimacy struggles or just everyday marriage conflicts, we share practical tips and relevant advice to help you get unstuck and rebuild your life. Whether you're newlyweds adjusting to your new life or long-term partners seeking to reignite the flame, this podcast is for you.
Together, let's embark on a journey of honest discovery, forgiveness, truth, and grace. Let's gather the tools for a thriving marriage with renewed love and unwavering commitment. The first letter in us is u, so to rebuild us, we have to rebuild you.
Subscribe to or follow the "Rebuilding Us Marriage Podcast today. Because no matter where you are, it's never too late to rediscover a resilient, renewed relationship. Get ready for the rebuild!
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I am thrilled to share some incredibly exciting news with you. The podcast is undergoing a major rebranding to better serve our listeners and community. I am happy to introduce you to the all-new Rebuilding Us podcast! This decision came after lots of prayer, input, thoughts, more prayer, more thoughts . . . it was a process. There is significance in the naming of something. Real Relationship Talk served us well, and now, we're hitting full throttle with Rebuilding Us.
As I reflect on the challenges and triumphs of my own marriage, I recognize the need to create a more intentional space where individuals and couples can reclaim the goodness in their relationships, restore what was lost, and magnify the positive aspects of their marriages. This realization propelled me to reimagine the podcast to align it with my life’s calling, as expressed in Isaiah 61:4 - a scripture that signifies a continuous, active process of rebuilding in the context of marriage.
In this episode, I reveal the why behind the new name and the new features you can expect to hear beginning next week!
For a full rundown on what's changing and what's not, see the show notes at rebuildinguspodcast.com.
Join my e-mail list and get first dibs on news, promotions, coaching, and updates!
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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We're bringing back one of your favorite conversations about conflict . . . specifically how to stop avoiding it and how to communicate confidently instead. In this encore episode, we're discussing why we avoid conflict and how our different upbringings play into this dilemma. Many people confuse peacemaking with avoiding conflict.
I dispell this myth and so much more, helping you to finally step up, speak up and be heard in your relationships. Plus I'm sharing five affirmations you can say every day to help you to have more courageous conversations.This episode was from our Communication 101 series and previously aired in May of 2022. Even still, it's still one I get feedback on to this day.
Find the OG show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/96.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your FREE Conversation Starters to Bash Conflict Here
Let's Connect on Instagram
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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My hubby, Shaun, is back! We're engaging in a candid conversation about the fundamental needs of both men and women in marriage, shedding light on respect, security, and leadership within relationships. Sharing some of our personal stories and insights that can help couples foster a deeper understanding of each other's needs and strengthen their bond is what we're after.
Men can learn what women truly mean when they say they need security (it's not always what you think). Women can learn how to respect their husbands even when they disagree. Both spouses can learn what healthy leadership looks like in a marriage. This episode is one you'll want to refer to again when disagreements about needs arise.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/225.
Resources and Links in this Episode:
Get your FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict
Learn more about my marriage and premarital coaching here
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Today's episode is an oldie but goodie . . . one of your faves: relationship baggage. In this encore episode, I'm bringing us back to the conversation about relationship baggage and the toll its weight takes on our marriages and relationships. This episode previously aired in August 2023, but it's well worth a sweet repeat.
We're talking about five types of relationship baggage, how emotional baggage shows up in our relationships, and how to release the baggage so our new and/or current relationship has a chance to stand on its own outside of the shadows of what was.
Find the OG show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/167.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Take my FREE 'How Connected a Partner Are You?" Quiz
Episode 39- Understanding Your Core Wounds & Avoiding Toxic Relationships-Dr. Janie Lacy
Get your Love Is Devotional here!
If you like the show, please leave a review! This helps other marriages and relationships grow too!
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Are you ready to have an awesome marriage? Transform your marriage into a flourishing and connected union by practicing these four secrets to cultivating an awesomely attentive marriage. Today, we're exploring key takeaways and four actionable tips for infusing your relationship with attentiveness, support, and joy. Having an awesome marriage takes work, but it’s good work. Great marriages don’t happen by chance; they happen by choice. The four secrets to cultivating a strong, loving, connected (and yes, awesome) marriage center around presence, support, anticipating needs, and noticing the little things.
Read the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/223.
Links and Resources in this Episode:
Take the “How Connected Are You?” Partner Quiz
Marriage Advice from Real-World Couples
Ep. 221 - The Power of the Available Spouse
Need Marriage Coaching? Schedule Your Discovery Call Today
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In this farewell Faith Talks episode, we are discussing our goal to hear "well done" from God for stewarding well what He entrusted us with when we reach the end of our life’s journey. A well-known parable in scripture, found in Matthew chapter 25 emphasizes the significance of stewarding our time, talents, and resources well. The parable centers on a master who entrusts different amounts of responsibility to his servants before embarking on a journey. Upon his return, he evaluates their stewardship. The servant who eagerly invested and doubled the silver entrusted to him hears the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." This narrative serves as a poignant reminder that our choices and actions echo far beyond their immediate impact.
Visit realrelationshiptalk.com/222 for the full show notes.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Get Your Free “Speak Life” Audio Affirmations Here.
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In this episode, we're discussing what it means to be "aptly available" in a marriage. I outline five keys that can help take a marriage to the next level for couples already present and engaged in their relationships. I emphasize the importance of intentionality, curiosity, vocalizing appreciation, time-blocking, and praying together. Plus, I'm sharing some personal anecdotes and practical advice to help couples strengthen their connection and move from being just available to being "awesomely attentive."
*Key Points:*
- The meaning of "apt" and how it applies to marriage.
- The importance of intentionality in maintaining a strong marriage and avoiding complacency.
- Staying curious about each other, vocalizing appreciation, and time-blocking to ensure quality time together.
The episode ends with a powerful affirmation for prioritizing marriage intentionally and putting in the work to maintain a successful relationship.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/221
Resources and Links in this Episode:
Take My Free Quiz: How Connected a Partner Are You
Ep 119: Connection Crisis: The Absentee Spouse
Ep 117: Connection Crisis: Apathy - When Love Grows Cold
Want to suggest a new name for my new podcast? Take the survey here!
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Have you ever wondered why it feels like God sometimes ignores our prayers? We just can’t wrap our heads around God's ways. I've been there, wondering why things don't seem to be going as planned. But there is one prayer that God always answers: the prayer for mercy. In this episode, we’re exploring the unwavering presence of mercy in the Bible and embracing the abundant mercy God offers us each day.
Lamentations 3:222-23 puts it this way: Through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness.
I want to remind you that nowhere in scripture when anyone prayed for mercy were they denied, not one person.
I wrap up the episode with a heartfelt prayer, asking God to remind us that he showers His mercies upon us.
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/220.
Resources and Links in this Episode:
Listen to Episode 170: When Heaven is Silent: The Truth Behind Unanswered Prayer
Listen to Episode 171: Why Do I Still Feel Anxious After Praying?
Download your Speak Life Audio Affirmations here.
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There are times in marriage when the connection between spouses starts to fade, leaving one or both feeling distant or even absent. Understanding the reasons behind this disconnection is crucial to finding the path back to a fulfilling and loving relationship In this episode, we address four common reasons for a spouse's absence and provide practical solutions to reignite the flame of connection.
I'll give you a teaser. The first reason a spouse goes absent is due to chronic disappointment.
One of the primary reasons for marital disconnection is chronic disappointment. When expectations are unmet, a gap forms between what we anticipate in our relationships and the reality we experience. This disappointment can lead to bitterness and resentment.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/219.
Resources and Links in this Episode:
- Join our Christian Marriages & Relationships Group.
- Take the “How Connected Are You?” Partner Quiz.
- Listen to Episode 134: “Feeling, Healing, and Dealing with Rejection”
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DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SPEAK LIFE AUDIO AFFIRMATIONS HERE.
There is a beautiful Hebrew word Ezer Kenegdo that describes the concept of being a "Helpmeet" in the Bible. This characteristic reaches far beyond gender boundaries. Understanding its proper meaning helps us to discover the strength and purpose of women. Join me as I challenge common ideas and help you foster an understanding of the woman’s vital role, contributing to a balanced and biblical concept of man and woman. After listening to this episode, I hope you will understand the powerful and often misunderstood concept of "Ezer Kenegdo" and its true meaning in the context of marriage, partnership, and individual purpose.
Visit realrelationshiptalk.com/218 for the full show notes.
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It’s common in marriage to face issues that lead to apathy and eventually detachment. In this episode, I share helpful insights and practical steps to help couples overcome connection crises and rediscover their connection when the love has grown cold.
There are warning signs that exist when a person or couple is becoming apathetic. We'll discuss what apathy looks like in a relationship, its causes, and how to overcome it and get your love back. No matter where you are in your marriage or relationship, I believe there is potential for redemption and renewal in any marriage or relationship that makes a genuine effort. A connection crisis does not condemn a relationship to perpetual apathy. It may be just the invitation you need to go from a love that's grown cold to a love that is more passionate than ever before.
For the full show notes, visit realrelationshiptalk.com/217.
Resources and Links in this Episode:
- Take my “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz
- Learn to Re-Connect in Just 3 Weeks with my Online Connection Course.
- Also Listen to: Help! My Husband Won’t Work on Our Marriage
- Also Listen to: Loving an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
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The Christian life can be hard at times. Can I get an amen? This episode will help you to hold fast to your faith during times of uncertainty. We must walk by faith in this journey filled with unpredictable twists and turns that test the very essence of what we believe. It’s easy to become despondent and get off course. It's during these difficult times that the concept of walking in faith becomes not just a spiritual ideology, but a daily decision to maintain our trust in God in the face of adversity.
Walking by faith during hard times is a sign of a mature Christian because it requires us to hold onto our beliefs and trust in the unseen when everything around us seems to be crumbling. It demands an unwavering commitment to hope and perseverance in the midst of despair and uncertainty. This is a challenge even for the strongest of Christians. This episode shows us how.
See the full show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/216.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your FreeSpeak Life Audio Affirmations
Also, listen to Episode 214: If God is for Me, Why Am I Suffering?
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We're getting real about the struggles many couples face on Valentine's Day. I've been married for almost 25 years, so I know firsthand the challenges this holiday can bring, especially if your relationship is on shaky ground. I'm sharing five down-to-earth tips to help you navigate this tough time, from injecting some laughter into your day to confronting issues head-on and shaking things up a bit. So, join me as I dish out actionable advice & strategies to turn a tricky Valentine's Day into a memorable and meaningful one for you and your spouse/partner.
Timestamps (times are approximate):
[5:00] How celebrating holidays like Valentine's Day creates connection
[8:46] How humor helps lighten the load in marriage
[11:32] Loving others who have supported your marriage
[21:35] Shock your marriage by doing something new
[24:05] How to love anyway
Links and Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Join our Thrive Wives group coaching - launching Feb. 19th!
Episode 96: I'm Married and Bored to Death - Pt. 1
Episode 97: Quick Tips on Fixing Your Boring Marriage - Pt. 2
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What happens when suffering comes? Often, we feel that God is against us or that we’ve done something wrong. In this episode, we explore conventional perspectives on suffering from the principles in the Book of Job in the Bible and other relevant scriptures. Understanding the purpose behind suffering and how faith can be a guiding light in our darkest times will help us to endure the suffering seasons when they come.
I offer a comforting prayer toward the end of the podcast for those facing suffering, acknowledging that God's plans are always good. We are taught the importance of trusting God even when the reasons for our pain remain unclear. As we surrender our will to God's will, we can find solace in the assurance that God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
Resources and Links
Download Your Speak Life Audio Affirmations
Find the story of Job in Job 1-42.
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Working on your marriage where your husband appears disinterested in investing effort can be a frustrating and disheartening experience. In this episode, my hubby, Shaun, and I discuss practical strategies to address this common concern among wives and how both spouses can work together to alleviate their marriage problems by putting in the necessary energy and effort.
Before delving into solutions, it's crucial to understand the heart of the matter. Shaun suggests wives take a moment to reflect on when they first noticed the change in their husband's engagement. Identify potential triggers or stressors that might have contributed to his disinterest. This understanding will help wives to tailor their approach to rebuilding the connection.
New See chapter markers on the timeline!
For the full show notes, visit realrelationshiptalk.com/213
Resources and Links
Join Thrive Wives Group Coaching
Episode 210: 5 Prayers to Pray for Your Husband
To Be a Man song by Dax featuring Darius Rucker
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Most women crave the prayers of their husbands. Most Christian wives strongly desire their husbands to lead spiritually, but at the very least, as a husband, you can pray for your wife. Inspired by my previous episode where the wives were given five prayers to pray for their husbands, I am now highlighting the five essential prayers that husbands can pray for their wives. These prayers delve into the core aspects of a woman’s life—mind, purpose, emotions, body, and even the husband himself. Now, let’s uncover these simple yet powerful prayers that every husband can offer for their wives.
Get the full list and show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/212.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode
Have you heard about our Thrive Wives Group Coaching?
Episode 210 - 5 Prayers to Pray Over Your Husband
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Married couples often find themselves in the midst of conversations with friends that touch upon intimate topics such as sex. Learn to have authentic not awkward conversations with the one you love. While sharing experiences and seeking advice from friends can be beneficial, it's crucial to navigate these discussions with sensitivity and respect. In this episode Dan and Emily Purcell of the Get Your Marriage On! Podcast join me and my hubby, Shaun, as we explore the importance of setting boundaries in conversations about sex, a “no-churchy” Christian perspective on discussing intimate matters with friends, and the significance of openness and authenticity between spouses.
The Sextimacy Challenge Invitation:
Dan shared about the genesis of the Intimately Us app, a tool designed to help couples intentionally build intimacy. Acknowledging the discomfort some couples feel when broaching these conversations, the app provides a platform for guided challenges, making it easier for couples to initiate discussions about their desires, needs, and preferences.
The Sextimacy Challenge— is an exciting opportunity for couples to focus on strengthening their relationships for 14 days. Couples can sync their apps, complete daily challenges, and earn points for a chance to win prizes, including a grand prize of airfare for two to anywhere in the country this Valentine’s, 2024!
Find the full show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/211
Resources and Links
- Join Our Thrive Wives Community!
- Intimately Us App
- Dan’s Podcast- Get Your Marriage On Podcast
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Prayer is essential to a healthy, Christian marriage. It fortifies the bond between husband and wife like nothing else. As a loving wife, lifting your husband up in prayer can be very impactful on his life and your marriage. Knowing what to pray for, however, can sometimes be challenging, especially if your husband doesn’t readily share his innermost thoughts and struggles. In this episode we share five heartfelt prayers you can incorporate into your daily routine to cover your husband in God's grace and support him in various aspects of his life.
Get the full list and show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/210.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode
Thrive Wives Group Coaching
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Marriage comes with its fair share of ups and downs. And finding a support system . . . a tribe, like Thrive Wives, is essential. I believe every wife needs a tribe. Mine is called Thrive Wives. In this episode, I talk about the profound impact of wife tribes – a network of supportive women who share their experiences, insights, and encouragement. We uncover the transformative power of wife tribes, including the importance of embracing vulnerability, breaking free from isolation, and fostering intentional connections for personal and relational growth.
Just like a healthy marriage, a cornerstone of any successful wife tribe is vulnerability. Opening up to others about our struggles can be intimidating. Fear of judgment or others’ expectations often leads many wives to keep their marriage problems hidden. In Thrive Wives, women are encouraged to embrace vulnerability and share their experiences within a trusted community. This not only brings solutions and healing but also forges beautiful, meaningful friendships.
Thrive Wives is accepting applications now. Learn more at https://danache.com/thrivewives.
Get the full show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/209.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Thrive Wives Group
- Conversation Starters Download
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In the healthiest of families, disagreements surface, and the church, as a spiritual family, is no exception. Join us in this edition of Faith Friday as we draw inspiration from the word of God to help us navigate the path toward healing church hurt.
Is It Church Hurt or Offense?
Church hurt involves intentional or unintentional actions that cause pain, such as abuse, slander, or betrayal within the church community. On the other hand, offense is a perceived insult, a feeling of being disregarded or left out.
Understanding this is important. Knowing the difference lays the foundation for the healing process. It helps individuals discern whether they actually need healing from hurt or if they need to learn how to live unoffendably.
Learn how to confront situations, aim for restoration, healthily leave a church, and much more in this episode!
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/208.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode
Speak Life Audio Affirmations
Other Episodes in this Church Series:
How to Find a Good Church
Do I Really Need to Go to Church?
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Getting your heart broken hurts like heck and they can be hard to heal from. Though heartbreaks are a painful part of the human experience, you can heal a broken heart and come out stronger and more resilient because of it. Whether it's the end of a romantic relationship, the loss of a loved one, or the shattering of a deep friendship, the emotional toll can be overwhelming.
As painful as it may be, heartbreak offers an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. When you don’t acknowledge what was done, you can’t heal from what was done.
However, just as the heart can break, it also has an incredible capacity to heal. In this episode, I share how to mend a broken heart with practical tips that may help expedite the healing process.
Resources and Links Mentioned in this Episode:
- Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness
- Episode 163: Beyond Mistakes: Modeling Responsibility & the Steps of Forgiveness
- Take the Partner Quiz Here
- Join ourChristian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community
- Good Grief: A Companion for Every Loss by Granger Westberg
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Are you in search of a new church? Starting the process of finding the right church where you belong spiritually can be daunting. It's like discovering a home for your spirit, where you can contribute, grow, and connect. The local church not only shapes our sense of belonging but also our sense of believing. In this episode, we'll look into four practical questions to ask when looking for a new church. These questions are aligned with biblical teachings that can help with finding the right church for you.
Finding a good church is not just about preferences; it's about fostering a deep sense of belonging. The call to active participation, denominational freedom, and reliance on divine wisdom will empower you to discover not just a congregation but a spiritual home where you truly belong.
Links and Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Download your Speak Life Audio Affirmations
Listen to Episode 158: The Body of Christ in Motion
Listen to Episode 204: Do I Really Need to Go to Church?
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How would you describe the landscape of your marriage? Most married couples aren’t so intentional about designing the marriage they actually want but rather they respond to the marriage they seem to have. Today, our guests Gary and Tamra Andress vulnerably share their story of rehabilitating their sexually broken marriage. They shed light on the intricate challenges and intentional growth they experienced in their marriage as they weeded out what wasn’t helping them and, instead, planted seeds that have now grown into a loving, safe, and healthy marriage.
This episode is for those who have struggled with infidelity, sexual addictions, or just need a tune-up in your marriage.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/205.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn How to Start Better Conversations When in Conflict - FREE PDF Download
The book that helped led to Tamra’s healing from sexual brokenness: No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction
Connect with Tamra and learn about her business coaching
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In the wake of a new year, resolutions often include a commitment to attend church services. Yet the question for many lingers, "Do I really need to go to church?" In this episode of Faith Fridays on Real Relationship Talk, we address this question, grounding our discussion in the scripture Hebrews 10:24-25.
The Purpose of Church
Attending church is not merely a religious obligation. It goes beyond rituals and traditions, the early church, as depicted in the scriptures, gathered primarily for prayer, fellowship, and mutual encouragement. Other than corporate worship, learning the truth of God’s Word, and praying, the main purpose of church is to build courage among believers in the face of life's challenges.
The core tenets of the early church were not centered around modern concepts of preaching and worship but revolved around prayer and fellowship. In unpacking the scripture from Hebrews, the importance of courage is derived from the root word of "encouragement." Christians find strength and motivation through the mutual encouragement they receive within the church community.
Key Scripture: Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV):
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/204.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Download Your Free Speak Life Audio Affirmations Here.
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If there’s one thing that pushes my buttons, it’s the objectification of women. Women have been indoctrinated to believe their worth is in their bodies alone. But there is so much more to the worth and value of a woman! In the sea of opinions, philosophies, and societal pressures, it's easy to get lost in the noise and lose sight of what truly matters – our self-worth. Whether you're a Christian woman, a non-Christian, young, old, black, white, thin, or heavy, the pervasive issue of objectification affects all of us.
In a world inundated with messages about power, success, and beauty, we must pause and reflect on what truly defines our essence as women. The culture around us incessantly screams sex as the ultimate idol; it’s interwoven into every aspect of our lives. From power women on TV to seemingly glamorous “power couples,” the narrative often revolves around the objectification of women. Let's talk about it.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/203.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
- Get Your Free Conversation Starters Guide Here
- Watch the podcast on YouTube!
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In today's world, with all its uncertainties, we need to reflect more on the legacy we are leaving for the next generation. As Christians, we have a responsibility to pass on not only material wealth but also spiritual guidance and values. Our legacy should be one of purpose, integrity, and faith, inspiring those who come after us to serve, honor, and fear the Lord. In this episode, we will explore the importance of leaving a rich inheritance that goes beyond money and discuss practical ways to shape a legacy that truly matters.
We all have the power to choose the kind of legacy we want to leave behind. Will our legacy be one of promise and purpose, or will it be one of sorrow and selfishness? It's a decision only we can make. By aligning our actions, choices, and priorities with the legacy we desire to live, we shape a future filled with hope, inspiration, and positive change.
BIBLICAL REFERENCE:
- PROVERBS 13:22: "A good person leaves an inheritance for their children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous." (NIV)
- PSALMS 145: 4: “One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.”(NIV)
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your Speak Life Affirmation Audio
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On today’s episode, we’re talking about the specific work required to make a marriage work. The truth about relationships is if you work it, it will work. There’s so much that goes into a successful marriage. I recently heard someone say the way you spell love is E-F-F-O-R-T. We have to put in the effort to make our marriages work—ultimately strengthening the marriage bond.
This is a sweet repeat (re-run) of episode 79 but the message is as timely as ever. Effort and work in relationships cannot be overlooked. As I share personal stories and insights from my own marriage, I stress the importance of intentionality in cultivating a successful marriage. Just as achieving fitness goals demands intentionality and planning, so does nurturing a thriving relationship. It's a journey that demands perseverance, adaptability, and a commitment to constant growth.
Listen as I share five tips to improving your marriage with next-level intentionality.
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/201.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your free Conversation Starters to Better Communication While in Conflict here.
Episode 76: 8 Reasons Why Women Won’t Initiate Sex
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Fear is a natural response to danger. But it can also paralyze your progress. In this Faith Friday episode, we're drawing parallels between fear and faith. Listen as we share insights from scripture and offer practical encouragement for dealing with fear and choosing faith over fear.
Key Points:
-
How to turn your fear into faith
-
The role of trust in shaping future outcomes
-
Examples from scripture of individuals who battled fear and overcame it through faith
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Encouragement for listeners to meditate on and apply specific scriptures to combat fear
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/200.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your Speak Life audio affirmations here.
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As a relationship coach, I've witnessed and experienced the struggle that can come with effectively communicating feelings, especially during conflicts. So, I'm here to offer you some valuable insights and practical tips that can transform your approach to expressing feelings and navigating conversations with more confidence and clarity. This episode will help you to express your feelings without causing misunderstandings in your relationships.
Conflict is Normal
First and foremost, I can't stress enough the importance of understanding that conflict is a normal part of any relationship. It's essential to recognize that disagreements and differences of opinion are natural when two unique individuals come together. However, it's crucial to distinguish healthy conflict from harmful behaviors such as aggression or verbal abuse. As I always say, conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be destructive.
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/199.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 55: How to Get Over An Argument Quickly
Having a hard time starting important conversations? Get Your Free Conversation Guide Here.
Learn How to Communicate In Conflict with My Online Course
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In the fast-paced and ever-changing world of the 21st century, where trends come and go, and society rapidly evolves, it’s easy to wonder “Is the Bible still relevant today?” Do the ancient texts of the Bible speak to current life? This age-old question, "Is the Bible still relevant today?" often arises, sparking debates and contemplation among believers and non-believers alike. In this Faith Friday episode we delve into this timeless inquiry, offering insights that shed light on the enduring significance of the Bible in contemporary times.
The pivotal role of the Bible is to illuminate the character and nature of God and his plan for humanity. In this episode, we highlight two scripture verses from Isaiah and Psalms that underpin the enduring nature of God's word.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/198.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Download your FREE Speak Life Affirmations Audio here.
Connect with me on Instagram
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Finding Fulfillment in the Relationship Season You're In - with Michelle McKinney-Hammond
Michelle McKinney-Hammond and I delve into the seasons of relationships and the need to navigate the changes we find ourselves in. Welcome to part two of this important and transformative conversation. From the challenges of marriage to the importance of vulnerability and growth, this episode is packed with wisdom and relatable experiences that will resonate with listeners at any stage of their relationships.
We kick off the conversation with a powerful message from Michelle, emphasizing the importance of allowing people their humanity and managing expectations in relationships. This sets the tone for the entire episode, as both Michelle and I discuss how we’ve had to navigate the complexities of our relationships with empathy and understanding.
One of the highlights of this episode is the candid discussion about the challenges of marriage. Michelle and I discuss the need for vulnerability, growth, and maturity in relationships. Marriage is not a destination, but a journey that requires continuous effort and personal development. The exposure of personal brokenness in marriage is addressed, shedding light on the necessity of addressing and healing from past wounds for a successful partnership.
Visit realrelationshiptalk.com/197 for the full show notes.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Michelle Hammond's Website
Get Your Copy of When Shift Happens
Get Your Free Resource: Conversation Starters for Heart-to-Heart Communication
Register For My New Online Course! From Conflict to Connection
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If we’re honest, we all deal with jealousy from time to time. Have you ever wondered how not to be consumed by jealousy when you see others enjoying what you desire? Welcome to another Faith Friday episode of Relationship Talk. In today's episode, we're diving back into the topic of jealousy and how to overcome it. Last week, we talked about handling jealousy from others, but today, it's all about what to do when we find ourselves struggling with jealousy.
Scripture on Jealousy
James 4:1-3: What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? 2 You want what you don’t have so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure.
What do you do when you’re jealous of something or someone in your life? Maybe it's someone else's relationship, career, or blessings. The first antidote to jealousy is simple: ask God. But ask with the right motives. Reflect on why you desire what you're asking for. If your motives are purely self-serving, it may not align with God's plan for you.
Check out the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/196 and learn the two antidotes for jealousy.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 194: Haters Gon’ Hate - Dealing with Jealous People
Ep. 170: When Heaven is Silent - The Truth Behind Unanswered Prayer
Sign up for my brand-new “From Conflict to Connection” course
Get your FREE “Speak Life” audio affirmations download here
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Are you feeling the stirring of a new season approaching in your life and wondering how to navigate the uncertainties and opportunities it brings? I'm excited to share my conversation with best-selling author and international speaker Michelle McKinney-Hammond with you! Her influence has been monumental in my spiritual journey. Michelle’s teaching at a conference years ago led to my rededication to God, and it's a story I often recount with profound gratitude.
Our discussion centered around her book, When Shift Happens, which brilliantly encapsulates life's transitions through the lens of different seasons. Michelle explained how life, much like the seasons in nature, is full of cyclical changes. Embracing these seasons, understanding them, and responding appropriately is vital.
When Relationships Shift
We extended our conversation to include relationships, especially marriage. Michelle emphasized the need to rediscover the joy and purpose in marriage, suggesting that couples engage in kingdom activities together. This perspective is crucial for maintaining a vibrant relationship.
Find the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/195
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
Michelle Hammond Website
Get Your Copy of When Shift Happens
Get Your Free Resource: Conversation Starters for Heart-to-Heart Communication
Register for my new online course! From Conflict to Connection
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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If we’re honest, we’ve all been jealous of others and have had others jealous of us. How do you deal with jealous people in your life? On this Faith Friday, we’re focusing on this somewhat uncomfortable yet crucial topic: jealousy and envy. Whether you've experienced jealousy yourself or been the target of others' envy, there’s a right way to handle the haters.
Key Discussion Points
- Understanding Jealousy and Envy: Differentiating between jealousy (wanting to keep what one already has) and envy (desiring what someone else has). Brene Brown's insights on these emotions set the stage for our discussion.
- James 3:16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
- Personal Anecdote: Reflecting on a childhood experience, I share something my mom taught me: Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
Get the full show notes at realrelationshiptalk.com/194.
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
Get my new Connection Course <—Use Discount Code! “CONNECTION50” (good until 12/1/23.)
Need Help in Conflict? Download my free “Conversation Starters” here!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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Does it seem like your spouse or partner doesn’t listen to you? Maybe you find yourself wondering how to talk in order that they will listen and understand you. Listening skills are an essential topic of communication within relationships which is why I'm dedicating a new series to how to communicate in conflict called "From Conflict to Connection." Today’s episode will teach you principles and guide you toward a better understanding and improving communication with your partner.
I discuss common communication mistakes partners make when communicating and the importance of listening skills. I also offer practical and "pro" tips for better communication. We also explore how to approach sensitive topics, the importance of timing and mood, and how to influence your partner to listen to you when you communicate.
Visit realrelationshiptalk.com/193 for the full show notes.
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
Get my new Connection Course <—Use Discount Code! “CONNECTION50” (good until 12/1/23.)
EP 191 Bids for Connection
Need Help in Conflict? Download my free “Conversation Starters” here!
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The key to receiving your next is to be thankful for what’s now. In this episode, we’re discussing how to live a life of expectation for what’s next and appreciation for what’s now. Do you find yourself asking why this or why me? Today, I want to challenge you to ask yourself what you could be thankful for in that same moment. I'm overflowing with gratitude to be here with you all, especially after a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope your hearts, like mine, are brimming with thankfulness. Today, we discuss the power of gratitude and how it shapes our lives, drawing inspiration from the phrase "being thankful.”
My focus today is on living with exceptional expectations. We often find ourselves eagerly anticipating the "next" big thing in our lives, always looking forward. While it's great to look forward, I believe the key to truly enjoying and receiving our "next" is to develop an attitude of gratitude. This might sound cliché, but I assure you, it's transformative.
Find the full show notes at RealRelationshipTalk.com/192.
Links Mentioned
The Truth Behind Unanswered Prayers
Get Your FREE Conversation Starters Guide for More Heart-toHeart Communication Here.
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We all want attention in our relationships and will do just about anything to get it. Psychologists call this making a bid for connection. If you feel lonely or unheard, this will resonate with you today. We’re emphasizing the importance of communication and attention in relationships to alleviate loneliness and discussing how to make and respond to bids for connection. Feeling disconnected and lonely, even in the presence of others, is not uncommon. Physical proximity doesn't guarantee emotional closeness. To feel close to the one you’re with, both partners need to put in the work to hear what the other partner is not saying.
Key Insights and Solutions:
- Recognize Bids for Connection: It’s important to recognize both verbal and nonverbal cues from partners seeking connection. These cues, or "bids," can range from a sigh after a hard day to a subtle gesture for attention. Ignoring these bids can deepen feelings of loneliness and rejection.
- Respond Appropriately and Timely: It’s best to respond to these bids in the moment, as delayed responses can exacerbate feelings of neglect. Immediate and appropriate reactions, whether it’s empathetic listening or a simple acknowledgment, are huge. This lets your partner know you are actively building connection with them.
Head over to realrelationshiptalk.com/191 for the full show notes.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Need help de-escalating an argument? Get your FREE Guide: Conversation Starters for Heart-to-Heart Communication here.
Sign up for my brand-new "From Conflict to Connection" online course!
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Life is crazy sometimes, but we don’t have to be. In the chaotic times we’re living in, it’s possible to live undisturbed. Joining us for Faith Friday is guest host, Kisha Moore, who’s filling in for Dana Che as she continues to battle the flu and laryngitis. Talk about a chaotic time! Kisha emphasizes the importance of developing a calm life amid life’s storms.
Kisha has been revisiting the Book of Proverbs, month after month. Today, she shares the wisdom of Proverbs 14:30.
Proverbs 14:30: “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body...”
In today’s contemporary world, where fear, scarcity, and jealousy are prevalent, Kisha encourages us to adopt a mindset different from the world's turmoil and instead focus on cultivating a peaceful and tranquil heart. She reflects on the importance of this mindset in her own life, particularly in dealing with daily challenges and maintaining a sense of peace amidst chaos.
For the full show notes, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com/190
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get Your FREE Speak Life Daily Affirmations Audio Here.
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Mom guilt. It’s a real thing that nearly all moms feel. I've been there, feeling overwhelmed and out of control due to my parenting fails. Add anger and unmet needs to the equation, and you’ve got a recipe for rage and remorse. Today, we’re explicitly focusing on rage and anger management. Our guest, Elizabeth Andreyevskiy, transparently shares her story and insights, which I believe will be a game-changer for many moms.
My personal journey with mom guilt began in the early stages of motherhood and marriage. I found myself unprepared for the challenges of raising kids and my lack of discipline strategies. The result was anger, often spiraling into rage. This journey wasn’t easy, but it made me realize the importance of addressing my unmet needs and learning more productive, loving, and effective parenting strategies.
Get the full show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/189.
Listener Takeaways:
- For Singles: If you're a single parent dealing with mom guilt, remember taking time for yourself is not selfish; it's necessary for your mental and emotional well-being.
- For Married Couples: Communication with your partner is crucial in managing mom guilt. Discuss your needs, feelings, and strategies for parenting.
- For Church Leaders: Recognize the challenges parents in your congregation face, especially around mom guilt. Encourage a culture of grace and understanding, rather than judgment.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Take my free "How Connected a Partner Are You" Quiz!
Elizabeth Andreyevskiy Special Offer for RRT Listeners
EP: 188 How To Resist Temptation
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How to Resist & Overcome Temptation
Temptation comes knocking on all of our doors. We all face it, and it can be hard to resist regardless of where we are on our faith journey. We’re diving deep into a topic that resonates with all of us: how to overcome temptation.
Let's acknowledge it—the temptation is universal. It doesn't discriminate based on how spiritual or morally upright you are. Even Jesus faced temptation, showing us that temptation isn't a sin. Understanding this helps us avoid the spiral of shame that often accompanies temptation.
One of my favorite passages of Scripture on resisting temptation is this:
1 Corinthians 10:13:The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
Keep listening as I share five steps to overcome temptation.
__________________________________________________
Connect with me on Instagram @MrsDanaChe. Keep your week faith-filled, and I'll catch you on the next episode. Take care!
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your free affirmations audio: Speak Life! here.
For the full podcast show notes, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com/188.
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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We’re breaking down the effects of toxic masculinity. Our guest, Zachary Wagner helps us redefine a healthy sexual ethic within the Christian faith, particularly in the wake of trauma & purity culture. Drawing insights from his book, Zachary explains how traditional teachings about sexuality can often dehumanize men and women. We propose a rehumanizing approach that honors God and embraces a full personhood perspective.
Key Points Discussed:
- Purity Culture and Its Pitfalls
- Beyond Sexual Behavior to a Proper Sexual Ethic
- Dehumanization in Traditional Teachings About Sex
- Rehumanizing Sex in Marriage
- Why Some Fear Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Listener Takeaways:
- For Singles: Understand and develop a sexual ethic that honors yourself and others beyond mere adherence to rules.
- For Married Couples: Explore how to engage in your sexual relationship that is rehumanizing and considers the holistic well-being of both partners.
- For Church Leaders: Encourage teachings and dialogues that address the deeper relational and spiritual aspects of sexuality rather than focusing solely on behavior.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Zachary Wagner’s Website & Book
Take my free “How Connected a Partner are You” Quiz!
Visit www.realrelationshiptalk.com/187 for the full show notes and more resources!
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Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
How to Pray for Everything in Your Life in Less than 5 Minutes!
Is your day so hectic that you don’t have time to pray? In this Faith Friday episode, we’re unpacking how to pray in less than five minutes. Praying effectively and efficiently, even amidst a busy life is not only possible but highly beneficial. Prayer doesn't have to be ultra time-consuming and should be a meaningful conversation with your Creator. It will grow into a longer conversation without you realizing it.
It’s important that we pray for more than just ourselves. I’m sharing two acronyms that will help you to pray in a short amount of time for nearly everything in your life. When we pray, we should always approach God with praise or thanksgiving. Psalm 100:1-2, 4 reminders of how to approach God in prayer.
Acronyms are very helpful when we need to remember how to do something. Prayer should not be rote, but learning an acronym or two can help you to focus your prayer life and make your prayers more efficient. The first acronym I share is an oldie but goodie. P-R-A-Y. And the second is a new one called T-R-I-P-S.
Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear me break down each one!
For the full show notes, visit realrelationshiptalk.com/episode186.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Download your FREE Speak Life Affirmations Audio here.
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How can you develop spiritual intimacy when you and your spouse are in different spots on your faith walk? Today's special guests are Rob and Joanna Teigen, authors and marriage and family mentors who are passionate about helping marriages and families flourish. Rob and Joanna met in bible college, where they began their courtship. They were both Christians, but Joanna was relatively new to her faith when they met.
We talk about what to do when a couple is “unequally yoked” or mismatched spiritually. Also, what should a good devotional life as a couple look like?
Here are more takeaways from our conversation:
Dealing with Spiritual Mismatch
Navigating the Waiting Season
Creating Spiritual Practices
Building Spiritual Intimacy
Fun and Laughter in Spiritual Intimacy
For the full podcast show notes, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com/episode185.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Website - Rob & Joanna Book Store
Growing Home Together Podcast
Take My Free “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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It’s Faith Friday! Have you ever wanted to share your faith journey but hesitated because you felt you didn’t know enough Bible? Today, I'm going to address a common concern: How can you share your faith when you don't know many scriptures?
You're not alone if you've felt this way. Many Christians hesitate to share their faith because they believe they need to be Bible experts.
Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." Your life is a testament to your faith. Be mindful of how you live.
Three keys to sharing your faith are:
- Live your life in a way that compels people to want to know Christ.
- Learn the art of listening.
- Share your story in relation to God's story.
Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear me break these keys down. For the full podcast show notes, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com/episode184.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your FREE “Speak Life” Audio Affirmations here.
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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Before deciding to divorce, some couples ponder living separately. With the recent revelations by Jada Pinkett Smith about her in-home separation from Will Smith, we're discussing the pros and cons of living apart while married, including my own experiences and insights about when Shaun and I "separated" within our marriage.
Jada Pinkett Smith's new book, Worthy, reveals that Jada and Will Smith have been separated for seven years, although not divorced. There are many questions people have about the concept of in-home separation in marriages, and this episode helps to address some of those.
Key Take-Aways
In-Home Separation: It’s best to set boundaries and parameters if you live separated and married.
Purpose of Marriage: What is the real purpose of marriage?
Seeking Help: If you are considering living separated and married, first seek help.
Don't Care What People Think: Don’t stay in a marriage because of societal expectations or fear of what people might think.
Don't Give Up: Your marriage still has life in it. Don't give up on your marriage quickly.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Need marriage coaching? Schedule your discovery call today.
Take my free "How Connected a Partner Are You" Quiz!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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It's an age-old question most of us have asked. At some point, you've probably wondered how we know "Is God real?" whether you have faith or whether you are still curious about faith matters.
Faith plays a central role in addressing the question, “Is God Real?” The Bible says that faith is “the substance of things hoped for. It is the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1. Faith is the cornerstone of a relationship with God.
It takes more faith to believe there is no God than to believe there is one. Although invisible, wind can move leaves, which we perceive easily. We can’t see the wind but we can see the effect of the wind. God's presence is evident through his impact on the world and through his believers. Embrace faith, which is the key to experiencing God's reality.
What were your key takeaways from today’s Faith Friday episode? Please share them with me on Instagram @mrsdanache. Embrace faith and experience God through His creation.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Download Your Speak Life Audio Affirmations Today!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
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In our hypersexualized society, marriages have often been the carnage leaving some to wonder are marriages sexually safe anymore. Today, on Real Relationship Talk, we are blessed to have Dr. Andrew Bauman teach us how to have sexually safe marriages. We dive into the impact of pornography, trauma, and objectification of women on individuals and relationships. Our conversation takes into consideration the effects of purity culture, the importance of intimacy, and practical steps for couples to foster healthy sexuality. It’s jam-packed and oh, so good!
How to Create a Sexually Safe Marriage
Andrew and I discuss a myriad of topics around the issue of healthy sexuality in relationships. Some of what we discussed are as follows:
- Purity Culture and Debunking False Myths About Men's Needs
- True Healing from Past Sexual Trauma
- The Damages of Objectifying Women
- What Good Sexual Health Looks Like
- Overcoming Fear About Sexuality in Relationships
It’s jam-packed and oh, so good!
ALSO LISTEN TO: How to Have Non-Awkward Conversations About Sex with Your Spouse
Links Mentioned During this Episode
Dr. Bauman’s Website
The Sexually Healthy Man - Book
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We all have habits that are hard to let go of . . . sometimes even sins. Have you asked yourself, "How do I stop sinning?” Tune in to this Faith Friday episode to explore the concept of sin, something we all struggle with. We will go over five practical steps to help individuals live a life above sin.
Romans 7:14-25 stresses the importance of recognizing the internal conflict that sin creates and is a passionate, present-tense plea from the apostle Paul about his struggle with sin.
Before we know how to stop sinning we must first ask ourselves,What is sin?The definition of sin is anything that displeases God, not just external actions but also internal thoughts and feelings. As emphasized in the scripture above.
Take a listen to the full episose to hear five simple steps to overcoming sin and living a life of true freedom.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Uncovering Shame Recovering Vulnerability
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Can you have platonic friends of the opposite sex in marriage? Today, special guest Sylvia Chipman and I explore the possibility of platonic friendships within the context of marriage. We discuss the significance of forming heart-to-heart connections, the importance of intentions, the role of friends, and the challenges of being called out. We emphasize trust and safeguards, the value of open communication, and the need to be ready to listen to your partner.
Where does it start:
Are you putting your marriage first? It can be as simple as someone filling a need when you or your partner is not.
Boundaries
Sharing your heart and baggage with platonic friends in marriage comes down to boundaries. A spouse may have good intentions but can create unwanted soul ties outside their marriage. You might not have any bad intentions, but be careful not to leave room for mishaps and misunderstandings.
Heart-to-Heart Connections
Genuine bonds are formed within any friendship emotionally and spiritually, transcending physical attraction. Emotional connections can be more profound and enduring, even if you start by just helping out a friend. Sylvia shares a story on how this happened to her.
Intentions Matter
People often find themselves in complicated situations without intending harm.
It is essential to recognize and understand your intentions, as well as others.
The Role of Friends
Friends can provide valuable perspectives and call you out when necessary. Good friends help you identify your blind spots and make more informed
decisions. There are things we can’t see, won’t see, or might not want to see.
I hope this podcast episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone seeking guidance on balancing platonic friendships while preserving the sanctity of your marriage. Communicate effectively, establish trust, and prioritize your relationships by providing practical advice and real-life examples. As always, A good relationship isn’t one that works; it's one where you put in the work.
To catch the full show notes with all the details**, go to Real Relationship Talk Podcast.
Blog Mentioned
PLATONIC FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
Learn More About Sylvia Chipman
Instagram, Facebook, YouTube
Thrive Marriage Coaching
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Do you ever wonder how to find your purpose? Many of us ask, "Why am I here? What is the meaning of it all?” Today's Faith Friday episode explores this profound internal question. We’ll dive into the core of our existence, offering insight into uncovering and fulfilling your life's purpose.
The Search for Purpose
Statistics show that 57% of people in the US are actively seeking more meaning and purpose in their lives. Moreover, only 10% claim to know their life's purpose, with a mere 5% living in alignment with it. This suggests that most people feel adrift, wanting a clearer sense of purpose.
The Quest for Meaning - A Universal Experience
You're not alone if you're grappling with how to find your purpose. Even King Solomon, renowned as the wisest man in biblical history, faced existential questions. In Ecclesiastes 2:9-11, Solomon reflects on the vanity of his worldly accomplishments despite his immense wealth and wisdom.
Ecclesiastes 2:9-11 NLT 9. So I became greater than all who had lived in Jerusalem before me, and my wisdom never failed me. 10. Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. 11. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.
Thank you for joining this insightful Faith Friday episode! For the full show notes from this episode, click here Real Relationship Talk Podcast. Share your thoughts and feedback on today's episode via Instagram @MrsDanaChe. As you embark on your faith journey, may your life be filled with wonder and purpose.
ALSO LISTEN TO: 5 Powerful Principles for Waiting in Hope
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Living with an emotionally unavailable or emotionally absent partner is tough. It can be lonely, disheartening, and frustrating. Many relationships move from the soulmate stage to the roommate stage due to this problem right here. This one is close to my heart - emotional unavailability in relationships. In this episode, we’ll explore the complexities of emotional detachment and, more importantly, discover the pathways to healing and connection.
Picture this: you’re at your best friend's house. Their car is parked in the driveway, the garage door is wide open, and you know they're inside. However, when you knock on the door, there's no answer. You decide to take a peek inside, only to find them sitting on the couch, fully aware of your presence but actively choosing emotional detachment. This is what it's like to be in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, complete with the frustrations, loneliness, and insecurities it can bring.
It's important to note that emotional unavailability often arises from a place of feeling unsafe. Whether rooted in past trauma, upbringing, or external factors, individuals may become emotionally detached as a way to protect themselves. Recognizing this fundamental cause is the first step to healing and reconnection.
Common Signs of Emotional Unavailability:
Distance: Emotionally unavailable partners may physically be there, but they keep an emotional distance. They might struggle with empathy, compassion, and meaningful conversations.
Self-Denigration: Emotional unavailability can manifest as self-deprecation. The person might belittle themselves, which further hampers their ability to nurture others emotionally.
Pathways to Healing Emotionally Unavailable Seasons
1. Create a Safe Space:
Creating a safe space in the relationship is essential to address emotional unavailability. This involves guarding your partner's vulnerability, refraining from using their shared experiences against them and helping them feel secure in sharing their emotions. You can not go around sharing your partner's baggage with your friends.
2. Provide Language for Emotions:
Sometimes, people lack the language to articulate their feelings. As partners, we can assist by providing the words for these unspoken emotions. Please encourage them to explore their feelings and offer understanding. If someone feels left out, they might show anger.
Catch the episode and find the full show notes with all the tips and practices at Podcast - Real Relationship Talk episode 177. Try these tips and practices in your relationship. Don’t give up. Pray that God will open their heart. I'd love to hear how this episode has encouraged you, so please reach out to me on Instagram @MrsDanaChe. Remember, a good relationship isn’t one that works. A good relationship is one where you put in the work. Take Care.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
142: OVERCOMING LIVING WITH AN EMOTIONALLY ABSENT SPOUSE – WITH BEATRIZ VARGAS
63: [SWEET REPEAT]: HOW PASSIVITY & APATHY ARE SILENTLY KILLING YOUR MARRIAGE
11 – HOW APATHY & A LACK OF INTEREST IS SILENTLY KILLING YOUR RELATIONSHIP (RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES SERIES)
Other Resources Mentioned:
Partner Quiz
Thrive Wives Group
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Have you found yourself struggling with boredom while reading the Bible? If so, you’re not alone. I've been there, too, and want to help you change that. Today’s Faith Friday episode I’m going to share some practical wisdom that will revolutionize how you engage with the Bible. Let's dive into some game-changing tips.
Hebrews 4:12 NLT For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.
For starters, choose a Bible translation that resonates with you. Don't stick with one that leaves you feeling lost in translation. Avoiding boredom while reading the Bible is all about understanding and connecting with the text. For me, the New Living Translation is a personal favorite. But whatever translation you choose, just make sure you can understand it.
Practical Steps to Reading the Bible Without Getting Bored
- Pray Before Reading: Inviting the Holy Spirit to reveal His truth makes a huge difference when reading the Bible.
- Read in Chunks: Instead of randomly flipping through pages, read the Bible in chunks. Dive into whole books, allowing you to grasp the context and immerse yourself in the stories.
Catch the full episode for all the practical steps. If you apply these practices and approach your Bible reading with a heart of expectation, you will not be bored. In fact, your life will be transformed. The Bible isn't just a source of inspiration and information; it's a tool for your personal transformation. As you read, you draw closer to God and become more like Christ.
I'd love to hear how this episode has encouraged you, so please reach out to me on Instagram @MrsDanaChe. As you embark on your faith journey, may your Bible reading lead you to incredible, uncharted territories of understanding and spiritual growth. Have a faith-filled Friday and a blessed weekend. Thank you for tuning in, and I'll catch you on the next episode!
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your free Speak Life meditative affirmation audio here.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com and https://danache.com.
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Does your spouse or partner drive you crazy sometimes? Of course, they do! So how do you stay crazy in love when you feel anything but? Our guest, Karen Ehman, New York Times Best Selling author and Proverbs 31 Women speaker, is with us to discuss how to keep the spark burning and make our love last.
Key Takeaways:
- Marriage is about navigating differences, not finding a perfect partner.
- Seek "spotter" friends who offer honest feedback and support.
- Love is a choice that precedes feelings, not the other way around.
- Your marriage is a powerful message to others, reflecting the love and forgiveness found in Christ.
Karen's latest book, How to Be Crazy in Love When Your Love Drives You Crazy, gives us insight through her nearly four decades of marriage to extract some golden wisdom on keeping the flames of love alive.
This conversation gives us profound insights into building and nurturing lasting, loving marriages. Love, as we discover, isn't just about warm and fuzzy feelings; it's a conscious decision to serve and honor our commitment. Karen's wisdom and personal stories inspire us to embrace the challenges of marriage, knowing that true love, rooted in faith and unwavering loyalty, can withstand the test of time. Thanks for tuning in, and until next time, remember to keep those relationships real and thriving.
Catch the full episode for all the ways to be crazy in love!
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
Learn More About Karen Ehman and Her Book: How to Be Crazy in Love When Your Love Drives You Crazy
Ep. 101 - How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people across the world!
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
Get your copy of our latest devotional "Love Is"!
1 on 1 coaching with Dana Che
Take My Free “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz Here. danache.com/partnerquiz
Know of someone getting married soon? Share with them about premarital counseling here.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Don't you desire to elevate freedom over fear in your family? Do you ever worry if you’re parenting and nurturing your child's faith journey correctly? Today’s Faith Friday’s special guest, Meredith Miller, will explore with us the art of parenting in a way that fosters trust in God over rigid obedience to rules.
We'll discuss the significance of open and honest conversations, the value of sharing personal stories, and how to encourage your child's exploration of faith. So, let's embark on this transformative journey of guiding your child's spiritual growth.
Nurturing your child's faith is not about strict obedience but about building trust. Trust in God should lead the way; obedience becomes a natural response to that trust. As parents, we play a vital role in fostering this trust-based paradigm. Your faith stories, willingness to explore questions, and authenticity as a Christ follower will shape your child's understanding of God and faith. Creating a freedom over fear faith culture is about showing, not just telling, your child what it means to live a life of faith. By embracing this approach, you can help your child develop a deep and genuine connection with God, fostering a lifelong journey of spiritual growth and exploration.
Thank you for joining us in this Faith Friday. I hope these insights will empower you to guide your child toward a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Get your Speak Life Affirmations by Dana Che
Ask Away Podcast for Kids by Meredith Miller
Woven: Nurturing a Faith Your Kid Doesn’t Have to Heal From Book
Meredith Miller on Instagram
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! Thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Today, we continue discussing maintaining a sex-free relationship before marriage. In the previous episode, we learned about the WHY. In this episode, we explore the HOW - practical strategies for achieving this goal. If you missed it, be sure to catch up on last week’s episode.
To start, there is a friend of mine who is struggling with having sex before marriage. This person knows it’s not God’s best for them or their relationship, but they can’t seem to stop. They asked for my help and, specifically asked me for more solutions than just “prayer and boundaries.” They inspired this episode, and so I want to share with you some of the practical strategies I shared with them on how to stop having sex before marriage if the train has left the station (you’ve already done the deed).
Stay tuned to learn these practical strategies, and feel free to reach out via DM on Instagram and Facebook if you have questions or need assistance with any of the strategies mentioned in the episode.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE
Last week’s episode: 7 reasons to nix sex before marriage
1 on 1 coaching with Dana Che
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Why Do I Still Feel Anxious After Praying?
On today’s Faith Friday, we are discussing how to manage anxiety and nurture your faith after you pray. We also discuss the importance of shifting your focus, the detrimental effects of worry, and the profound significance of believing in God. Join us as we unpack these key takeaways and guide you through the transformative journey of strengthening your relationship with God. Let's dive in.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Four Quick Practices to Get Rid of Anxiety After Praying
1 - Be Grateful
2 -Fix Your Focus
3 -Don't Allow Worry to Sabotage Your Faith
4- Embrace Real Faith
Thank you for joining me on this Faith Friday episode. Connect with me on Instagram @MrsDanaChe. And be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast to catch all the episodes.
For the full show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast, as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people worldwide!
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
EP - 170 The Truth Behind Unanswered Prayers
Get your copy of our latest devotional "Love Is"!
Let’s connect at https://danache.com!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Are we really talking about sex before marriage? And what’s the big deal, anyway? Friends, today, we are going there. We are talking about a subject that is highly controversial and highly opinionated. I will share my opinions about why I believe sex is best reserved for marriage, but I will also share some research, and all of this will be from a non-faith-based perspective.
We often discuss married sex on this podcast; it's just a part of marriage, nothing to be ashamed of. But today, we're talking about seven reasons why you need to nix sex before marriage. And while this episode provides a non-religious perspective, I am not ashamed of my Christian faith. I do however serve people from various backgrounds, and I think it's important to have conversations that are not solely from a religious perspective.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE
How To Have The Sex Talk with Your Kids
Emotional Baggage We Carry In Relationships
Take My Free “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz Here. (danache.com/partnerquiz)
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Pandora, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Join us for Faith Friday, where we dive into the meaning of unanswered prayers. It's a question that often resonates with many, whether you're a newcomer to faith, a seasoned believer, or simply curious about spirituality. "Why does God not answer my prayer?" It's a question that's likely crossed your mind, just as it has mine.
Before we explore this topic further, I want to make one thing clear right from the start: God answers every single prayer. Yes, you heard that right, every single one. But here's the catch: His response depends on whether our prayers align with His divine will.
John 5:14 says, “And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know that he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for.”
So, next time you're praying and it feels like heaven's gone silent, remember this: God doesn't abandon His children. Instead, He guides us with answers that are in our best spiritual interest. Instead of frustration, let's embrace gratitude for our kind, gracious, and loving Heavenly Father.
Thank you for joining me on this Faith Friday episode. I'd love to hear your thoughts on today's topic. You can connect with me on Instagram @MrsDanaChe. And be sure to subscribe to the podcast to catch all the episodes. Your faith journey matters, and I'm here to support you every step of the way.
Wishing you a Faith-Filled Friday and a weekend full of blessings. Until our next episode, take care.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast, as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people worldwide!
Get your copy of our latest devotional "Love Is"!
Learn more about how I can serve you best at https://danache.com.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
In this episode, we’re discussing the relationship mind games people play and how to kick these detrimental relational habits to the curb. Just like clutter in our physical space, bad relationship habits (like mind games) clutter our emotional world and hinder the path to fulfilling connections. Today, I want to help you recognize these habits, understand the damage they create, and most importantly, replace them with healthier and more authentic methods of communication.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE
Last week's episode - Releasing the Weight We Carry from Relationship Baggage
Episode 63 How Apathy is Silently Killing Your Marriage
Learn more about premarital counseling here.
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and rate it if you love it!
Connect with Dana on Instagram @mrsdanache or on Facebook @Thrive Relationships.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's Faith Friday! Join us as we delve into this inspiring message of how to hold joy and pain at the same time. Exploring personal insights and relatable experiences, we navigate the complexity of emotions and the understanding of how our spirit and heart integrate. From finding hope in scriptures to overcoming despair through faith, we share stories of choosing joy amidst life’s challenges. Tune in to discover the power of faith and find strength in every circumstance.
Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
We can learn from Paul and Silas by unpacking their story of praise amidst pain in Acts chapter 16.
Something to ponder: In times of adversity, how can we follow the example of Paul and Silas in choosing to praise and hold onto faith, even when faced with challenging circumstances?
Thank you for joining us on this faith-filled journey. Remember, you, too, can hold joy and pain simultaneously, finding strength and hope in every circumstance. Check out my Instagram for more faith-filled content!
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast, as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people worldwide!
Get your copy of our latest devotional Love Is!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
BAGGAGE CLAIM: RELEASING THE WEIGHT WE CARRY FROM RELATIONSHIP BAGGAGE
In this episode, we will discuss how to drop relationship baggage that's been holding us back. Past relationships and childhood trauma create emotional baggage in current relationships. I want to help you move toward releasing that today. We will explore how to identify the types of baggage we have, how they show up in our relationships, and how you release them to move forward. We need to reflect on past experiences and consequent wounds that may contribute to the weight we carry, the things that trigger us and also affect how we navigate relationships. Learn today how to pack light! Now let’s delve into the importance of acknowledging and releasing the weight of our past to have healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Episode 143-Overcoming Father Wounds-Kia Stephens
Episode 39- Understanding Your Core Wounds & Avoiding Toxic Relationships-Dr. Janie Lacy
Get your Love Is Devotional here!
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
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It's Faith Friday! Listen and be inspired by Mark 12:28-31 and 1 John 4:20, which helps us understand what it means to wholeheartedly love God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength. See the verses below and let's ponder some things together.
Mark 12: 28-31 “One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord.And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
1 John 4:20 “If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?”
Some questions to ponder:
- What must I remove from my life that keeps me from wholeheartedly loving God?
- What do I need to examine in my heart that keeps me from loving others wholeheartedly?
Father in Heaven, I pray hearts to be open to hear your voice on anything in their world that might keep them from loving you greater and reflecting your love to others in their world as well. In Jesus name, amen!
I'd love to hear your faith find from today's episode. After you listen to the episode, share your faith find (or takeaway) as a review on the podcast, or feel free to message me on Instagram.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people across the world!
Get your copy of our latest devotional "Love Is"!Learn more about all I do at https://danache.com.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Looking for ways to cultivate a lifelong journey of faith with your kids? Join us as we dive into practical tips, personal stories, and expert advice from Elizabeth Urbanowicz on teaching children about faith from toddlers to teens as she shares how to navigate the challenges of raising spiritually grounded children in today's world.
We know that many parents feel discouraged when they see their children straying from their faith. It's easy to question if we've done enough to instill solid spiritual foundations in their lives. But fear not, because today, we're here to offer encouragement, guidance, and practical tips for parents who want to help their children follow Christ.
Like this episode? BE SURE TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE PODCAST TODAY!
RESOURCES/LINKS
Get Dana Che's new devotional Love Is: A Journey through I Corinthians 13.
Find more Dana Che resources at realrelationshiptalk.com.
GUEST INFO
Learn more about Elizabeth and her ministry at foundationworldview.com.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
It's Faith Friday and also the three-year anniversary of Real Relationship Talk! Our faith focus is from Nehemiah 8:10, which reminds us about the power of joy and celebration.
Nehemiah 8:10: And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”
The enemy would have us focused on the trauma, pain, and hardships so we will be zapped of our strength. This is his tactic to steal our joy - OUR STRENGTH!
Praise God as you wait on your answer and remember, let the joy of the Lord be your strength!
Join me for this conversation and learn how joy and celebration can impact your life.
Some questions to ponder:
- How can I celebrate and cultivate joy in my relationships?
- How can I guard against the enemy’s tactic to steal my joy and strength in my relationships?
I'd love to hear your faith find from today's episode. After you listen to the episode, share your faith find (or takeaway) as a review on the podcast, or feel free to message me on Instagram.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people across the world!
Get your copy of our latest devotional "Love Is"!
Learn more about all I do at https://danache.com.
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Forgiveness is foundational for a healthy marriage and relationship. On this episode, we will capture how to identify unforgiveness and model responsibility to others. Our guest, marriage therapist, Beth Hunter, also shares with us her amazing process of forgiving in four steps. Join us as we unpack the insights and practical strategies in this enlightening conversation.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Get your Love Is Devotional here!
Interested in group coaching for married women? Learn about Thrive Wives today!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Today's faith focus from Scripture is from Hebrews 4:16. We are discussing grace and mercy. How are they similar? How do they differ? Most importantly we need both from God and in our relationships. Join me for this conversation and learn how to apply the gift of grace and mercy in your life.
Hebrews 4:16: Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Some questions to ponder:
- How does God show me grace? Where have I experienced his mercy lately?
- How am I showing grace and mercy in my relationships?
I'd love to hear your faith find from today's episode. After you listen to the episode, share your faith find (or takeaway) as a review on the podcast, or feel free to message me on Instagram https://instagram.com/mrsdanache.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We'd love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people across the world!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
This episode is really simple. No matter our parenting skills, our kids will sometimes make choices that break our hearts and cause them pain. How do you keep your love on in instances like this? Today, I'm giving four practical steps to love your kids through their bad choices.
- It's not about you.
- It's not about them.
- It's not about the choice.
- It's not the end of the story.
Listen all the way through and be sure to share this helpful resource with another parent who might be struggling as their kids are making some not-so-great choices.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Episode 157: When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids
Episode 159: How Putting Your Kids First Harms Your Marriage
Get Your "Love Is"…Devotional Today!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Faith Fridays: How to Hear God's Voice
Today’s faith focus from scripture comes from John 10:27. Here are 5 ways to hear the voice of God.
Hi friends. We’re back for another Faith Friday today. I will be talking about a topic that so many people whether you are new to your faith deep in your faith or not yet in your faith want to know about and it’s how to hear from God.
John 10:27 says, "My sheep, hear my voice. I know them and they follow me."
If you want to hear God's voice, you must . . .
- Be his
- Be quiet
- Be a reader of his word
- Be expectant
- Be discerning of other voices
Share your faith find from this episode in a review wherever you listen to this podcast!
Get our latest devotional "Love Is"!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
How Putting Your Kids First Harms Your Marriage (Marriage & Family Series)
Put your kids first? Nope! Listen to learn what happens when you elevate your children & their activities to where only your spouse belongs.
If you have children, if you have ever struggled with finding the balance between taking care of your children and nurturing your marriage, well, then friend, this conversation is for you. If you’re Christian, you’ve likely heard of that J-O-Y acronym. Jesus. Others. You. So many of us were raised with this whole idea that you always come last. Everybody is first. You're always last. When you get married, your spouse is first. But then when you have kids, (we don't say this, but we do this), we end up putting our kids even before our spouse. So in many families, this is how it looks. Your kids are first. Your spouse might come in there second. Friends, neighbors, responsibilities, jobs. Third, if you have a relationship with the Lord. He's probably third or fourth in there, somewhere in the mix. And then you are, like, on the bottom, bottom, bottom of the totem pole. And somehow that's supposed to make us feel like we're great mothers or we're great parents. That is so lopsided, and it's so destructive to you, and it’s also destructive to your family.
Find the full show notes at https://realrelationshiptalk.com/episode159.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 157: When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids
Take my Free “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz
Episode 155: Why Your Kids Need You to Get a Room
7 Lessons Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Can you imagine how weird it would be to see a leg hobbling down the street on its own or a hand floating through the air unattached? #StrangerThings
But isn't that exactly what happens when Christians "detach" from the church, because of offense, apathy, or just plain ol' boredom?
Today's faith focus is from Ephesians 4:16: He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love (NLT).
Some questions to ponder:
1. If He (God) makes the whole body fit together perfectly, what does that say of someone who is detached from the body?
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What "special work" are you doing in the Body?
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How are you helping others in the Church (the Body) to grow?
I'd love to hear your faith find from today's episode. After you listen to the episode, share your faith find (your takeaway) with me here OR in your Instagram or Facebook stories and tag me @mrsdanache (Instagram) or @therealrelationshiptalk (Facebook), and I'll repost you!
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We’d love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people around the world!
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids (Marriage & Family Series)
When parenting your children, disagreements don't have to come between you and your spouse. So what do you do when you and your spouse disagree on how to discipline the kids? Shaun and I have had many disagreements concerning our kids. It can tear your marriage apart when you disagree on discipline. I want us to focus on this topic because our goal is to share a little bit about our story, our failures, and some things that we figured out along the way, in the hopes that you will also be able to learn how to navigate forward.
Spoiler alert: it is possible to agree on your outcomes, even if not necessarily on your tactics. Most of us want our kids to thrive, and to be healthy, whole, loving, responsible people. So, join Shaun and me in this conversation. We're shedding some light and some wisdom on how to come to a truce when your parenting styles are misaligned.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Learn more about Thrive Wives, our group coaching program
How Connected a Partner Are You? Take the free quiz to find out!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Today's faith focus is from Romans 8:18. There are 4 different types of suffering: suffering that we bring on ourselves (think of the Israelites/Jews in the Bible); suffering that others bring on us (think of Joseph); suffering related to spiritual warfare (think of Job); and suffering for a greater purpose (think of Jesus).
Regardless of the type of suffering you're enduring, you can survive and endure when you focus on what lies ahead . . . the "greater glory," as Paul puts it. Remember, your best days are yet ahead. You can make it through this suffering season and fulfill God's plan for your life.
Learn more about Dana Che, marriage and relationship coaching, or how to invite her to speak at your event at https://danache.com.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
Enjoying the show? Give it a 5-star rating, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Why Your Kids Need You to "Get a Room" (Marriage & Family Series)
Today we are going to get into some sex talk. This episode is going to be hot. It's going to be a bit spicy and steamy. We're talking about sex and why your kids need to see appropriate sexual affection.. How many of you have heard your kids say “Get a room!”? Shaun and I have this goal, if you will, to make our children uncomfortable and remind them that before you ever arrived on the scene, we had a very vibrant, beautiful sex life.
Many parents get so anxious and nervous about "the sex talk," but I want to tell you that if you're practicing healthy sexual affection in front of your children, then having that sex talk is going to be that much easier because you're already really laying the foundation. Your children need to know that you all not only love each other but that you like and enjoy each other. Displaying appropriate sexual affection in front of your kids helps them feel secure and counteracts the damaging over-sexualized messaging from the media.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Learn more about Thrive Wives, our group coaching program
How Connected a Partner Are You? Take the free quiz to find out!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Welcome to Faith Fridays on Real Relationship Talk. We're bringing you an additional podcast episode each Friday on the topic of real faith. These short episodes will help you learn more about God and grow in your faith, seeing his work in your relationships.
Today’s faith focus is from Proverbs 25:28 and is about cultivating self-control and how doing so is the true path to freedom.
It reads, "Like a city that is broken into and without walls, so is a person who has no self-control over his spirit" (NASB).
Many people think that the ultimate freedom is doing whatever you want. That’s not the ultimate freedom. Real freedom is the ability to control yourself and restrain yourself from doing whatever you want. Unbridled access leads to bondage, not freedom. And too much of even a good thing can be harmful.
Learn more about Dana Che and our marriage and relationship coaching at https://thriverelationships.us.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We’d love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people around the world!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
7 Lessons Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids (Marriage & Family Series)
As parents, your marriage speaks loudly to your children, whether good or bad - healthy or struggling. Your kids are watching everything. And let me tell you, kids are very perceptive. Kids understand way more than we give them credit for. In today’s podcast, we are discussing seven lessons your marriage is teaching your children: from conflict resolution to grace and forgiveness, appreciation, inner vows, boundaries, gender roles, healthy sexuality, and more, your marriage is sending some powerful lessons.
Be sure to listen to the full episode and learn how to create a marriage your children will want to emulate.
Wondering how connected a partner you are in your relationship or marriage? Take the free Partner Quiz today! https://danache.com/partnerquiz
For wives looking for support, encouragement, and growth, join Thrive Wives, our bi-weekly group coaching program. https://thrivewives.com.
We’d love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast! Your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship and marriage advice and content to people worldwide!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Welcome to Faith Fridays on Real Relationship Talk. We're bringing you an additional podcast episode each Friday on the topic of real faith. These short episodes will help you learn more about God and grow in your faith, seeing his work in your relationships.
Today’s faith focus is becoming a peacemaker, and our scripture comes from Matthew 5:9.“God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God (New Living Translation).
Take the “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz today at https://danache.com/partnerquiz.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We’d love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people around the world!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
What If I Married the Wrong Person?
One of our listeners wrote in with a question: What if I married the wrong person? He went on to share that he felt bored, dissatisfied, and miserable in his marriage and wanted some advice on what he should do. He also confessed to being tempted by attention from other women, which heightened the thought that his wife is just not right for him anymore.
In my typical candid but graceful way, I share my thoughts and advice to help not only him but anyone else who may wonder if they’ve married the wrong person to navigate this difficult situation. I can’t stress enough the importance of evaluating whether a person is the right fit for marriage before making a commitment. Regrettably, many people bypass these steps before walking down the aisle and end up feeling stuck in their marriages. This episode also discusses steps to reconnect when you feel disconnected, the responsibility of love, and how to stop being bored in your marriage.
Get ready, it’s getting real REAL today!
Take the “How Connected a Partner Are You” Quiz today at https://danache.com/partnerquiz.
To stay updated with show notes, helpful articles, and more relationship tips, visit https://realrelationshiptalk.com.
We’d love for you to rate, review, and SUBSCRIBE to the podcast as your support enables us to continue delivering valuable relationship content to people around the world!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget Pt. 2
We’re discussing part two of forgiving what you can’t forget and continuing to talk about the fourfold path to forgiveness. These references come from Desmond and Mpho Tutu's book The Book on Forgiving. It's an incredible book; so well written. When I read this book, it was like a really kind, sweet, older gentleman, uncle, grandpa, that kind of person, who was just, loves you through his words. That's the best way that I can describe it. It's such a compassionate, gentle book, but with powerful truths.
Step 2 - Name the Hurt
The next step in the fourfold path to forgiveness is naming the hurt. It's one thing for you to tell the story. For example, this thing happened to me, my husband was unfaithful, my wife depleted our bank account, whatever the situation is. But it's another thing for you to then name the hurt for you to actually get real about what was lost. What did you lose when that thing happened? Get real specific about that. I’ve had quite a few things happen in my life that have caused me grief, and I've just kind of moved on. Now, that's not to say that I haven't grieved at all, but if I'm honest, I probably skipped some steps because I don't like to feel sad. I don't like feeling sorrow. I don't like to think about loss. So to really be honest and real with myself about the fact that I really lost something there takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of honesty.
It takes a lot of vulnerability to just sit with that and to realize that some of the things that you lost, you can never get back. If you were, God forbid, sexually assaulted as a child, you lost your innocence, and you won't be able to get that back. Now, that does not mean that you're damaged goods. It doesn't mean that your life is over and you're somehow always going to be walking around with a scarlet A on your forehead. Absolutely not. But it does mean that you have to acknowledge that something was lost. So a part of naming the hurt is super important because it allows you to stop pretending or minimizing what happened. It's one thing to, again, be general, I was hurt, I was betrayed, I was let down. It's another thing to say, this is the hurt. I lost my confidence, I lost my security, I lost the closeness that I felt with that person. I lost my safety, I lost my savings. Whatever it might be, whatever was lost. It's important that you're able to name that and not just the tangible things, but the Nontangibles. That's super important that we're able to do that. Be specific about what it is that you lost.
Good Grief
There's another book, and I'll link to this in the show notes of this podcast. It's called Good Grief by Granger Westburg. I read this book back in 2008 after my best friend passed away from breast cancer, and I've talked about this before on the show. I've told you just now that I'm not the greatest at dealing with grief. So I had to start seeing a grief counselor because I could not move on. Now, obviously, you're dealing with a very significant loss, like people expect you to grieve for a while, right? But this was different. It wasn't like I was in denial. I knew that she had died, but it really affected me in ways that I did not know what to do with. And so I started seeing a grief counselor. And that was one of the best decisions that I ever did because I think had I not started seeing that grief counselor, I probably would have just masked it under some religious jargon, like, “Oh, she's in glory, bless the Lord.” That's not what we need to do when we are going through loss and pain. We don't need to mask it in some religious ideology.
ALSO LISTEN TO EP. 47: GRIEVING WITH HOPE
Step 3 - Granting Forgiveness
Step three is granting forgiveness. Now, I say this a lot, and I'm going to say it again, that forgiveness is both a choice and a process. You are not always going to feel like forgiving. And forgiveness is not just something as easy as just like, I forgive you. Okay, let's move on. It starts off as a choice, but then you have to work it out as a process. These four steps that I'm giving you today is the process, or a process. So when I tell you that you need to grant forgiveness, it is a choice. You have to get to a point where you realize that when you withhold forgiveness from someone, you're truly only hurting yourself in the long run.
Scientific studies have shown what unforgiveness does to the human body. Our bodies were not meant to hold on to unforgiveness. Your body was not meant to hold on to unforgiveness. You were not created to hold that much pain, to absorb that much trauma unhealed. So when you choose not to forgive, you're choosing to stay stuck in your trauma and in your shame, and in your pain. I tweeted this years ago. It's not my original tweet, but “Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die.” Some of the people that we are not forgiving have gone on about their lives, and they are not thinking about you at all. They're not thinking about what they did. They're not thinking about your hurt. They're not thinking about anything. They are living their best life, and you're the one stuck in the trauma. How do you get out of it? Well, you choose to forgive them.
Forgiveness is also not something that they earn. Forgiveness is a gift. They don't have to ever ask you for an apology. I know that's hard to hear because we want that. We need that. It's like, wait a minute, you hurt me. You need to apologize. And the truth is, in a perfect world, absolutely that would work. But not everybody's going to apologize. Maybe they don't think that what they did was wrong. Maybe they're a jerk. So maybe that person has died and they'll never be able to acknowledge what they did. They'll never be able to apologize. And this is why forgiveness is not predicated on someone asking for an apology. Forgiveness is simply a choice that you make. It's what you choose to do. I choose to forgive you, even if you're unworthy. Even if you never ask for my forgiveness. Even if you don't think you did anything wrong. This is hard. You all easier said than done. I get it. I get it. But when you choose to forgive, you release yourself. Yeah, you release that person, but you really release yourself. You release yourself from them having to pay you back for whatever they did. Forgiveness is a gift. And I think one of the things that really helps us to forgive others is realizing that we have been forgiven.
When we realize that we're humans, and I know that sounds so oversimplified, like everyone's human, but truthfully, we have done things to others that we didn't intend to do. We have hurt other people. We have caused people pain. And sometimes we meant to and sometimes we didn't. So when we're able to get in touch with that side of ourselves, with our humanity, then it gives us grace for other people. It gives us compassion for other people. Even when they hurt us, it gives us empathy for other people.
Forgiving Keeps Your Heart Tender
Maybe you need to forgive yourself. Maybe you've done something that is just so horrible and you've not forgiven yourself. It's time for you to put yourself in the forgiveness box. It's time for you to give yourself some grace, some compassion, some empathy. And that is what happens when we choose to forgive. We set ourselves free. We set the other person free. Ephesians 4:32, one of my favorite scriptures, says, “Be kind one to another, tender-hearted forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sakes, has forgiven you.” Think about that. Tenderhearted. When you forgive, you keep your heart tender. You see when you choose to hold on to unforgiveness, it makes your heart hard and calloused.
And you wonder why you can't love. You wonder why you can't bond. You wonder why there's a wall up between you and other people. It's because when you hold on to unforgiveness, it hardens you. It embitters you. But when you're able to forgive, you have a tender heart. You keep your heart soft and pliable and flexible. Maybe you think but then people are going to hurt you again. Maybe they will. But I'd rather have a tender heart that's open to love and that's open to accepting people and living with others with all of their weaknesses, all of their flaws, all of their insecurities, and mine vs being this hardened, tough person who's trying to protect myself from all the hurts in the world. Because guess what, friend? You can live like that all you want. And people are still going to figure out a way to hurt you. So you may as well live with a tender heart.
Step 4 - Renew or Release the Relationship
Step four is to renew or release the relationship. This is an important conversation here because there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. There are some relationships that are not going to be able to be reconciled. Like I said earlier, there might be people in your life who have died. You can't be reconciled with them. There might be people in your life who are completely unsafe, and I've had to do that with some people. I will offer forgiveness, but we will not have a relationship. I'm not going to be bitter. I'm not going to egg your house. I'm not going to pray for your demise, but we will not be reconciled, and that is okay. You want to use those situations sparsely. You don't want that to be your M.O. for everybody. You don't want that to be how you treat people. But the truth is, there are some relationships that can be renewed. InThrive Relationship Coaching, we talk about how to actually restore your relationships, but then even with that, I understand that there are going to be some relationships that are not going to be able to be restored.
There are some relationships that aren't going to be able to be restored, but there are many relationships that can be. So how do you know the difference? How do I know if this relationship can be restored or if I need to be able to release it? Repentance? Is that person truly repentant? Are they willing to make repairs? If they're not willing to make repairs and if they're not repentant, well, then that leaves you with your answer.
To Forget or Not Forget?
Yes, there are times that you can wipe the slate clean, when have chosen to forgive. It’s then that you need to start over and wipe the slate clean. This is what it means to “keep no record of wrongs,” like it says in 1 Corinthians 13. This does not mean that love allows you to just be taken advantage of or that love never brings up wrongs. It said, keeps no record, meaning that you're not always throwing in the face something that your spouse or whoever did to you. So when you decide your relationship can be repaired, renewed, or restored, it's time to wipe the slate clean. Next, you do what the Bible teaches in Philippians 3: “forget what lies behind and you press forward to what lies ahead.”
Now, the title of this episode is Forgiving What You Can't Forget. So am I contradicting myself? No. And neither is the word of God when it says forgetting what lies behind. God knows that we're human beings and we're not going to technically forget. But it means that you no longer focus on that thing. That thing is in your rearview mirror. So just like you driving down the street and you see some houses and some fields and some cars. When you pass those things, those things are in your past, they're done. You're probably not going to keep staring in your rearview mirror because then guess what? You'll miss everything that's in front of you. That's how healthy relationships work. Once you forgive, now it's behind you. That doesn't mean that you'll never think about it. That doesn't mean that you won't even sometimes reach back in the past to help other people with your story as I said earlier. But it does mean that you're no longer harping on that thing. You're no longer focusing on it. It's not tripping you up anymore. You're choosing to let the past be the past, and you're choosing to press ahead to what lies ahead in the future. And if you're not able to do that, then that relationship is not going to be restored or repaired.
Release the Hurt
So this brings us to our final point here, which is forgiveness is about releasing. It's about releasing the hurt. So just like we named the hurt, now it's about releasing the hurt. Just like you confronted the person, now it's about releasing the person. Just like you had to tell your story, now it's about releasing that story so that you can now tell a different story.
God has used our story to bless many, many marriages so that they could know that there is truly nothing that you will go through in your marriage that God can't fix and heal so long as you're willing to do the work. And this is why we end every episode by saying that a good relationship is not one that works. A good relationship is one where you put in the work. You've got to put in the work. There's no magic wand fairy dust that God's doing for some people and not for others. That's not how it works. If you're willing to do the work, if you're willing to go through this process of forgiveness that we've talked about, anything can work.
If you’re ready to do the work of restoring your relationship, schedule your discovery call with me at http://danache.com/getstarted.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 149: Forgiving What You Can’t Forget - Pt. 1
Episode 116: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs - with Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs
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Forgiving What You Can’t Forget - Pt. 1
Today we are going to go a little deep. We're going to do a little bit of excavation into your heart, perhaps to pull out some old memories that you would prefer to stay tucked away. We are going to go after the cover-up that you have put over some of those wounds, and we're going to make sure that what you have forgiven is really, indeed healed. For some, you’re listening to this episode today on forgiveness, because you haven't been able to forgive. You haven't been able to move on, and you need somebody to help you out. After this and next week’s episode, you will have a blueprint on how to get over what was done to you, how to forgive, and move on.
The title of this episode is forgiving what you can't forget. And I know that we have so much to talk about, so I've actually split this episode up into two separate episodes. So we're going to talk about part one today and then next week join us because we are going to finish up with part two.
Everybody Needs to Learn How to Forgive
If there is one thing that I know for sure as a marriage coach, as a pastor, as a woman, and as a human being, it is that we all are going to have to walk through forgiveness at some point or another. You could have the most perfect marriage, the most healthy relationship, the best friendship, you name it, but at some point because you are in a relationship with another human being, you're going to be hurt and you are going to hurt.
We need to understand that forgiveness isn't something that just really resilient strong people do. It isn't something that only struggling relationships have to go through. We all have to learn how to forgive. And the more that you do it, the easier it gets.
So as I look back over my life, I can think of many people whom I've really had to forgive, really struggled to forgive. And here's the truth. The closer the person is to you, the harder it is to forgive. Because the people that are closest to us have the most ability or the greatest ability to hurt us the deepest. If I'm just upset with my coworker because they ate my lunch that I put in the refrigerator, well, I mean, I have to forgive that. But it's not like the end of the world versus if I have to forgive my husband who betrayed my trust. So regardless of who came to your mind, regardless of whom you're thinking about, what I'm going to share with you over these next two episodes is going to be completely applicable.
The Inspiration Behind Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
This episode is not intended to be a therapeutic session. It is not intended to be a full-out coaching session, even though coaching obviously will help you. And I do work with all of my clients on this process of forgiveness.
Lysa TerKeurst, President of Proverbs 31 Women wrote a book called Forgiving What You Can't Forget. If you know anything about her story, Lysa was married for nearly 30 years to a man who was a habitual cheater. And her lifestyle is very public, especially for those in the Christian community. Many Christian women know who Lysa TerKeurst is as she has a very prominent ministry. She has lived this whole debacle out in the public eye. I have nothing but respect for her. I did a YouTube video on this very topic of her story on forgiveness about how I applauded her, really, for leaving this very toxic marriage.
You all know me. I am for marriage. I am pro-marriage. I don't take divorce lightly at all. But in her situation, she was married to a man who she had given grace upon grace upon grace upon grace, chance after chance after chance after chance. They publicly renewed their wedding vows, and this man committed to being faithful and loyal and he wasn't. So she finally made the decision that she was going to need to walk away. And I know that that took a lot of courage. I'm sure that there are people who probably disagreed with her decision, and I'm sure that it was really like a battle within herself to even get to that point. But through her pain, she wrote this book called Forgiving What You Can't Forget, and that is really what inspired, obviously, the title of this podcast.
Recommended Books on Forgiveness
Another book I'm going to recommend to you is called The Book on Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu. Obviously, those are African names. This is such a good book. I originally got this book, I don't know, maybe three years ago. I think it was like right at the start of COVID. This book is really about a lot of what Desmond experienced coming out of apartheid and how he learned how to forgive. But it's not just the apartheid story, because most of us have not had that experience. But he really teaches about these tenets of forgiveness. And one of the most profound things, I think, that I have probably ever read in my whole life was out of this book. He talks about the fourfold path to forgiveness.
The Fourfold Path to Forgiveness
Today I'm going to teach something that I've never taught before, and it is this whole fourfold path to forgiveness. So the first thing, let me actually give you all four. And then, like I said, we're going to introduce this topic today and then we're going to continue this next week on this fourfold path. The first thing that you're going to want to do is tell your story. The second thing is to name the hurt. The third thing is to grant forgiveness. And then the last thing is to renew or release the relationship.
When Is the Process of Forgiveness Complete?
What does it look like when the process of forgiveness is complete? How do you know if you've really forgiven someone? I get asked that question a lot. One of the things that I always say is, first of all, you'll know when the process of forgiveness is complete when you can think about that memory and it no longer stings, it no longer burns. Let's say I burned myself with a curling iron, which I have many, many times, especially when I was a little kid. Not knowing what I was doing curling my hair. So I have a scar from the burn. If I look at that scar, then I remember exactly what happened there. I'm like, oh, yeah, I was eight years old. I was curling my hair in the bathroom at my house and felt the singe. I felt that thing on my neck.
So I can think back to that memory. But if I touch that scar, it no longer hurts, it no longer burns, there's nothing oozing. It's completely healed. Likewise, my friend, when you think back over that memory, whatever happened, you think of that person and there's nothing that oozes emotionally. There's no more pain, there's no more stinging. That's when you know that the process of forgiveness is complete.
I've written about forgiveness, even shared on an earlier podcast episode about forgiveness, and I've given lots of tips throughout many other episodes on this podcast on forgiveness. I talk about forgiveness so much because it a necessary in a healthy marriage or relationship. You simply cannot build a connection or commitment without learning how to forgive. I hope the lessons you hear in today’s episode jumpstarts your journey on the path of forgiveness and may you learn to forgive the things you can’t forget.
ALSO LISTEN TO: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You
Links Mentioned in this Episode
The Book on Forgiving by Desmond Tutu
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst
Episode 18: How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.
Ep. 148- 7 Reminders for Women in Struggling Marriages
As I prayed through this episode, I asked the Lord, “What do you want your ladies . . . the women in struggling marriages to know?” If you imagine God the Father is so good as he is, whether you know Him or not, whether you believe in Him or not, he's still good and he still loves you, whether you acknowledge his presence or not. I imagine God the Father saying, “Come to me.”
He is calling us into his presence and saying, “I have some things that I want you to know. I know that your marriage is struggling right now. I know that you're sad a lot. I know that you feel hopeless a lot. I know that you think that you're never going to make it out of this. I know that you're comparing your marriage to other people's marriages and you're scrolling through Instagram and looking at all the beautiful, happy couples and wondering why your marriage can’t be that way. I know you're looking back at your wedding photos and wondering where everything went wrong.
I know that you cry at night and you think that nobody else hears you, nobody else sees you. Friend, I want you to know that there is a God in heaven who sees you and that no tear that you have ever cried is wasted. And maybe you don't even know how to pray. Maybe you've given up on prayer. Maybe you don't think prayer works. I'm going to encourage you today that God still sees you. And he sent me today to give you some reminders that while your marriage is struggling, you are not.
7 Things to Remember About Your Struggling Marriage
1. You are not alone.
If I had somebody to tell me this when I was in the throes of all of my marriage dysfunction, that would have meant the world to me because I felt alone. I felt like I was the only person that was going through this. I felt like I was the only person who had a crappy marriage. I felt like everybody else “got it,” and somehow we didn't. And I felt alone in my own home.
There’s no worse feeling than when you're married and feeling alone, feeling like the very person that you committed your life to is unreliable. The very man that you pledged your everything to, you can't stand on him, you can't support. He doesn't support you. He's not who you imagined that he would be. And that can be really hurtful. I want to tell you that you're not alone. What do I mean by that? I mean that there are many women who are in your shoes. And unfortunately, because of this whole shame thing, which we're going to talk about in just a second, we often don't share our stories with one another.
A lot of times we go through marriage problems and life even alone, because we're afraid to reach out, because we don't want to be judged we don't want people to look down on us. We feel like we should be farther ahead than we are. And so because we're not reaching out and because other people are not reaching out to us, we believe that we're alone. But I want to tell you that you are not alone.
2. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
When you are hurt by your husband for some reason, it's like you take on that shame. If you've ever been cheated on, you've ever gone through infidelity, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You will take on the shame of what your husband did to you. If your husband is verbally or emotionally abusive to you, you will take on that shame of his choices and you will feel like you did something wrong even though you didn't.
Now, I'm not saying that you're a perfect wife and you don't have your things to own, but what I am saying is that you have nothing to be ashamed of that is not yours. If you are not the one causing the marital distress, you do not need to be ashamed of the marital distress. We are way too often embarrassed by our husband's choices, and you don't need to feel like that anymore. What he is doing is his doing.
ALSO READ: How to Deal with Shame in Relationships
3. You are a better wife than you think you are.
We are so hard on ourselves, ladies. We are so idealistic. I think that sometimes gets us into trouble. It gets us into beating ourselves up because we feel like we should be doing more. We should love our kids more. We should love our husbands more. We should cook more, we should clean more, we should work more. We should be more successful. We should have more money. We should “bring more to the table.” We should always be doing more, more and more.
I have this little placard in my home office, and it says, You have enough. You do enough. You are enough. I look at that from time to time, because I can sometimes think, Dana, you could be doing more. You could be doing better. You could be doing it faster. You could be doing it greater, even in my marriage. I want you to know, Sis, that you're a better wife than you think you are. I promise you, if you were to ask your friends and your children, they would tell you that you are a better wife than you think you are. So start giving yourself some credit here. Are you doing everything perfectly? No. Do you have issues? Yes. Are there things that you need to grow in? Absolutely. But even still, you are better than you think.
4. Your husband's issues are not your issues.
I talked about this when in the previous point. Your husband's problems are not your problems. Now, yes, because you're married, you're going to be affected by his issues or by his problems, but can I tell you that that man had problems before you all ever met. He had issues before you ever got married. And sometimes we end up taking on our husband's shame, our husband's problems, our husband's issues, and we begin to make them our own. This is a huge boundary violation.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Episode 49 - 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
I talk about boundaries so much because when you do not have boundaries in your relationship, it causes all kinds of dysfunction. It causes you to take on more responsibility than you should. Your husband's problems. Let's say your husband's into porn and you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm not pretty enough. I'm not sexy enough. I need to lose more weight. I need to gain more weight. I need to be more this, more that. He was probably doing porn before you ever knew him. So his issues are not your issues. So don't take on his problems.
This doesn't mean that we're uncaring and uncompassionate, and we're like, oh, well, that's not my problem, buddy. Figure it out. That's not what I'm saying. Pray for that man. Encourage him, and support him however you can, but do not allow his burden or his problem to be saddled upon you. So now you're so overwhelmed because you're taking on all this stuff that you were never intended to carry. One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is where Jesus says to cast your cares on me because I care for you (I Peter 5:7). In Matthew, he says that his yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
Jesus is saying, I have a burden for you that's easy and light. When we walk around so overwhelmed and pressed down and under so much stress, it's because we are carrying a yoke or a burden that we were never intended to carry. And quite often, friends, it's somebody else's burden. It's somebody else's problem. In this case, most likely your husband's issues. So kindly give those issues back to him. Let him own what is his, and you allow Jesus to give you a light and an easy burden.
5. Even if you're the problem, you’re not the problem.
I want to tell you that even if you're the problem, you are not your problem. You are not a problem. Are you causing problems? Quite possibly. Do you have problems? Probably. But you are not your problem. Whatever “your problem is,” maybe you're the one who's unreliable or you're the one who's unfaithful. Even if you, as a woman, you're listening and you're the one. You don't have to be defined by your issue.
Just like I told you a second ago to release your problems back to your husband and to let him own his problem, I want to tell you, too, Sis, that you need to own your problem, but you are not the problem. If you listen to this podcast, you have heard me say you are not the problem. The problem is the problem. Your husband is not the problem. The problem is the problem. You're not identified, or you shouldn't be identified by whatever problem you're facing in your marriage. Get help, seek out help, do whatever you need to do to overcome your problem, but realize that you are not your problem.
6. Your children (and husband) need to see your vulnerability.
This is where I messed up in my own life and my parenting and my marriage. I wanted to be the strong mom all the time. I didn't want my kids to see me cry. I didn't want my kids to know what was going on in my marriage, which there's some wisdom in that. Like, your kids don't need to know everything, okay? But your kids do need to see that you are a real woman with real feelings and real emotions. Your kids don't need you to be strong 100% of the time, because how else are they going to learn how to process their sadness, their emotions, their disappointment, and their heartache if they never see you processing yours?
I remember laying in the bed at night and crying my eyes out. And then, like, a kid would walk in the room, and I would, like, wipe my face real quick and put on the smiley face, and they would be like,
“Mommy, are you crying?”
“No, Mommy's not crying. Mommy's good. What's wrong?”
And then I go straight into mom mode instead of bringing that child to me and saying, “You know what, yeah, Mommy is crying right now. Mommy is really sad about something.”
When you do that, you do a few things and I've done it a few times, but not as much as I should have done. You give yourself grace to just be, to just be a human with hurt and feelings and pain and emotion, but also you give your children an opportunity to love on you.
Kids have this capacity to just love and be. Kids have the gift of presence. And so when you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your children again, not telling them everything and certainly never putting down their dad, right? Like, don't ever do that. Don't ever say, “You know what? Daddy really hurt Mommy. Daddy is being a jerk.” Like, don't do that, okay? I don't believe in that. But when you're able to say something like, “You know what? My heart is really hurting right now. I'm really disappointed with some things that are going on right now.”
You don't have to go into all the details, but let your child know that, yeah, I'm not always happy.
And, while you’re at it, be vulnerable with your husband too. Intimacy requires vulnerability. I’m going to tell you something that sometimes husbands do things and they don't realize the pain that they are causing you. When you are strong and independent, sometimes your husbands think nothing gets you; nothing hurts you. So they can do stuff and don't realize the damage they're doing.
Sometimes you need to let your husband see. You need to be more vulnerable with your husband and let him know that what he's doing hurts, that you're not this Teflon-tough woman that doesn't ever get upset about things or hurt by things. You're never afraid. No. You've got fears, you've got hurt, you've got pain, you got disappointment. It's okay to let your husband see that part of you, to be vulnerable in front of him. That's a risk, I know. Vulnerability always is.
7. Prayer works.
I know that sounds so simple, but prayer gives you a softened heart and a sound mind. Listen, when you have been hurt by your husband, you will have the temptation to become hardened, to become apathetic. Like I don't care. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to bide my time until my kids get older. I don't want you to live like that, friend.
When you pray for your husband, do you know that it is impossible to hate someone you're praying for? It's just not possible. So if you find yourself struggling to love your husband, you find yourself struggling to like the man, would you pray for him? Because prayer softens your heart. I believe that it also softens his heart. But let's talk about you for a second. Prayer softens hearts. It allows you this greater capacity to love someone who's unlovable, to love a man who is maybe not loving you the way that you need to be loved. You can't do that on your own strength.
You need the power of the Lord to help you with that. And when you pray and when you say, God, I need you to help me love this man, I need you to put a seal over my heart. Not a wall, right? Walls are impenetrable. That's not what we're asking for. But I need you to put a seal of protection over my heart so that I'm not continuously being hurt by this man. Because if we're continuously being hurt by someone, we won't reach out and love them because we're trying to protect ourselves. Let God protect you. Let him protect your heart.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Episode 129 - How to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Take the “How Connected Are You in Your Relationship” Quiz!
Want to schedule a discovery call with me? http://danache.com/getstarted
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
What's Your Fighting Style?
Conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of any relationship. So we don't have to be afraid of it anymore. We don't have to run away from conflict. We don't have to pretend that it's not there. We don't have to try to dress it up as something else. It is what it is. However, conflict is not fighting.
When we “fight,” we all have a fighting style that’s our go-to approach to handling conflict. When I'm saying fighting for the sake of this episode, I'm not talking about “throwing blows.” I'm talking about how you deal with conflict. When something arises in your relationship and you disagree with your partner, you're having conflict, that conflict then turns into more of just a disagreement, but you're almost at a stalemate. How do you handle that? What is your fighting style?
Three Fighting Styles
The three specific styles are as follows: attack-attack, attack-defend, and silent-silent. In the attack-attack style, both partners are on the attack and cannot hear each other, making it impossible to solve problems and leading to a destructive cycle. In the attack-defend style, one partner is attacking and the other is defending themselves, creating a tit-for-tat dynamic that is not productive in resolving the underlying issues. In the silent-silent style, both partners avoid confrontation altogether and allow issues to fester and grow.
Why Does Love Feel Like a Battlefield?
You are never going to find the solution to whatever the situation is because if you’re spending so much time attacking one another. It's almost like you are in a battlefield. You've now become an enemy, a combatant of your partner. Years ago, singer Jordin Sparks actually wrote a song called Battlefield. Here are some of the lyrics of this song . . . See if you can relate.
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
You know that song so this is how it goes. Okay.
Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly it's like, love is a battlefield.
One word turns into a war.
Why is it that the smallest things tear us down?
My world's nothing when you're gone.
I'm out here without a shield.
Can't go back now.
I never meant to start a war.
You know I never want to hurt you.
Don't even know what we're fighting for.
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
Listen to Battlefield here
Why does love always feel like a battlefield in your relationship? You feel like there is nothing that you do, nothing that you say is going to make a difference because your spouse is looking at you as the enemy. Or, you see your partner as the enemy.
Break Free From Fighting
To break out of these fighting styles, one person in the relationship must wave the white flag and prioritize the relationship over being right. Remember, your partner is not the problem; the problem is the problem. You are on the same team! By taking a step back and examining the real issue, couples can work together to find a solution.
In order to move forward from fighting, couples must reframe the way they approach conflict. Instead of seeing it as a competition or an opportunity to prove who is right, couples should view it as a chance to grow and strengthen their relationship. If necessary, couples should take a “time-out” during particularly heated moments to allow both parties to cool down and come back to the conversation from a calmer and more rational place.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 87: The Silent Treatment vs Arguing
Register for the upcoming Thrive Wives workshop
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
The Power of Conflict: How Disagreements Can Strengthen Your Relationship
Can conflict actually help you connect? The whole reason that I wanted to do this episode is to help you to understand that conflict can be a great asset in your marriage. Conflict can actually be a great asset in any relationship if you understand how to use it. Conflict is like a tool. And if you learn how to use the tool correctly, then you're going to find that it's not such a scary thing when conflict shows up in your relationships. So we have a jam-packed episode today, you guys. I'm going to be sharing lots and lots of skills, tools, and resources with you.
But before we get into all of that, I want to ask you to do me a favor. Right after you finish listening to this episode, I would love for you to write a podcast review, especially if you are listening to this on Apple podcast or Spotify. Let me tell you why there are so many people who find out about this podcast by word of mouth. Shaun and I were in a restaurant, eating dinner with some friends. We were outside, and a couple walked past the table, and they were like, "I love your podcast. I love your podcast." And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I'm feeling famous. You know what I mean? And it was such a cool experience. But then, about ten minutes later, this other woman walks by our table, and she's like, "Oh, my gosh, I love your podcast. I listen to it every single week!"
Why am I sharing this with you? Because both the couple and the woman who walked by heard about my podcast from a friend. So when you share this podcast, you have no idea the seeds that you are planting in your friends' lives. They might hear an episode that I did way back in 2020 or 2021 that will help to save their marriage. So by writing a simple review, you are helping this podcast to be found by people who really need it. So thank you so much for doing that.
Let's Talk About Conflict
So I like to talk about conflict, okay? I am not conflict-avoidant at all. Now, when I say that to people, it doesn't mean that I like to stir up trouble either. I don't like to create conflict. I'm just not afraid of it because I have learned that conflict is a tool in your marriage. But it's also a tool in any relationship. If you're a parent and you're dealing with conflict with your children, you can use that conflict to draw you closer to the relationship that you have to teach you more about your child, to teach you more about yourself. And of course, you can just sparse that out into any relationship that you're in. So I want to be able to give us some real practical takeaways today. As you listen to this episode, we're going to be talking about conflict as connection.
If you've listened to my show for a while, you know that I talk about connection a lot. I'm going to give you five quick reasons, and I might throw in a bonus as to how conflict is connection or how conflict shows up as connection in your relationships. So the first thing is that conflict gets you talking. When you start to have issues in your relationship or issues in your marriage, there's some sort of disagreement, right? It's going to keep you talking. Now, you might not always say the right things or say them in the right way, but at least you're talking. You're getting your feelings out. You're sharing your emotions. You're being authentic, you're being honest about how you truly feel and what that particular thing is bringing up in you.
Conflict Teaches You How to Speak Up
So let's say, for example, you are having a disagreement with your spouse about parenting. My goodness, that happens to all of us in that connection. It might come up that you realize that when you were growing up, your parents were overly critical of you. Maybe you've never really thought about that before and how that shows up in your parenting, but you get into an argument with your spouse and you're like, you sound just like my dad. You sound just like my mom. My mom was always overbearing. My mom was always critical of me. And you didn't even realize that you were saying that until the words came out.
Now, your spouse might not appreciate that you just said that about them, but if your spouse and you can take a step back and go, whoa, wait a minute. Okay, so this isn't really about my spouse. This is about my parents, and I'm being triggered by something that my spouse is doing. But, at the end of the day, I just had an epiphany. I just realized that I'm still dealing with some trauma or some struggles or some bad memories of how I grew up and how I felt like my parents treated me. And I'm kind of taking that out on my spouse. So when you're in conflict, it can help you to connect to your spouse because it gets you to talk. It gets you to say the things that you've been stuffing down inside. It gets you to say the things that you're thinking about, but you're not necessarily talking about. And so in that regard, conflict is a great connector.
Conflict Teaches You When to Shut Up
Now, number two is going to seem like a contradiction to what I just said in number one, and it's that conflict can get you to shut up. We just talked about it can get you to talk, but it can also get you to be quiet. It can get you to shut up when you're in conflict with your spouse. There's a point where you realize, I've said all the things that I need to say there's really nothing else to say, and so I'm done. Now, when I say I'm done, I don't mean like, I'm done. I'm walking out of the marriage or I'm walking out of the relationship. I mean, I'm done talking about that issue because there's really nothing else to be said about it. You all when we learn the appropriate times to shut our mouths, it can be incredibly helpful in our relationship.
I was talking to someone today, a client of mine, and I told her, I said, there are times in our relationship that we have to learn. It's just like driving a car. You got to learn how to press the gas pedal down, and then sometimes you have to learn how to apply the brakes. So if you're always pressing that gas (i.e. working on your marriage, working on your relationship, talking about communication, fixing your communication), that's like the gas pedal . . . Well, at some point, your car is going to run out of gas. You have got to learn how to slow down sometimes, how to put the brakes on sometimes. And this is what I mean by silence or not talking and how that can actually help to create the connection in your marriage or your relationship.
It's okay if you're not talking about all the issues and all the problems every single day. It's okay if you and your spouse get to a point and you're like, I really don't know what else to say about this particular thing. Take a breather. Now, you do need to come back at some point to that problem so that you could figure out where we go from here. Even if there's no "solution" to that problem, you still need to kind of tie up that loose end and say, we're not agreed here. Maybe there's no "solution" here, but where do we go from here? What's our next move? What's our next step? But before you get to that point, it's okay if there's some sort of putting the brakes on, if there's some sort of pause, if there's some sort of some quiet. I think it was about two years ago, I put a poll up in a Facebook group that I managed. It's called Christian Marriages and Relationships. Shameless plug. If you want to join that group, head on over to Facebook and join.
I put up a poll in the group, and I asked them, I said, what do you think is more damaging in a relationship, silent treatments or angry outbursts? And it was an incredible post, and I love hearing from some of our members in that group. And actually, now that I think about it, I should probably do a whole podcast episode on that because we must talk about what are some of the benefits of both. Now, I don't believe that anger is really something that we are going to use as a helpful tool in marriage, but we can learn a lot about ourselves and our spouses when anger does show up. But I digress. Number two is that conflict can help you to connect to your spouse by getting you to shut up sometimes.
Conflict Help You Connect By Teaching You About Your Partner
Number three, conflict can act as a connection because it teaches you about your partner when you're angry about something in your marriage or when your partner, I should say, is angry about something in the marriage. It can teach you about them. It could teach you about their passion points, their values, what they hold dear, what they hold precious, what their opinions are, and what their perspective is. I am a big proponent of being a lifelong student of your partner. None of us should ever get to this point in our marriages or in our relationships where we feel like, I know my partner. We're good. There's nothing else to learn. I think when you get to that point in your relationship, your relationship has either died or is on the way to a slow death, we will never learn everything there is to know about our partner, because guess what? We grow. We evolve, and we change.
So when you're in conflict, that can be a great teacher. You can start to learn, oh, wow. I did not know that my husband was insecure about such and such an issue. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. My wife was tender about that specific subject. So Shaun is a man of few words, and Shaun does not get angry very often. You guys like, honestly, I could probably count on one hand the times that I've seen him angry in our whole almost 24 years of marriage. But there are times when I push that little red button, and he will respond right. In some kind of way, and I'm like, Whoop. Okay, well, I guess he doesn't like when I say that, or I guess he doesn't like it when I do that, right?
Read about John Gottman's Thoughts on Criticism & Contempt
I can look at that conflict, and I can be like, oh, my gosh, look at him getting upset with me. Who does he think he is getting upset with me? He doesn't have a reason to get upset with me. What about what he did yesterday? What about what he did last week? I can do that. Or I can say, you know what? What is Shaun teaching me about himself right now? What am I learning about this man right now? Oh, I'm learning that he feels disrespected when I come at him in this kind of way, or he feels dishonored when I say this or when I don't say something to him. So in that regard, I can look at that conflict as a teacher. It's teaching me about my husband. If you look at conflict the same way it should be teaching you about your husband or your wife, about your partner. So that's just yet another way that conflict can be a connector because it teaches us about our spouse.
Conflict in Marriage Teaches You New Skills
The fourth thing that conflict does is that it teaches you new skills when you're in conflict and you can't figure out a solution, right? Like, have you ever been in a conversation with your partner? And it's just like I said, the number two tip that I share, is that conflict makes you shut up, right? There are times, you guys, that conflict will teach you how to approach the problem differently. What do they say the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing, expecting different results, right? So if you are doing the same thing and you are not getting the results that you want, it's probably time to change it up.
It's teaching you how to deal with the problem differently. Because if you do the same old things, you'll get the same old results. So if yelling and screaming and arguing is not working, which, newsflash, it does not work, then when you're in conflict, you can learn some new skills. Okay, well, maybe the yelling thing isn't really working for us. So what can we do now? What's next? What's new? And you'll learn. Okay, let's do this. I remember Shaun and I were in our mastermind that we did last month with some couples. And Shaun told them a story about how he and I had this disagreement once, and he said, "Hey, Dana, I need to talk to you about something, but I don't want you to respond for 24 hours."
You guys, I thought I was going to die! 24 hours without talking is a long time. I like to talk. Okay? So I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm not going to be able to say anything that this man for 24 hours. Now, he didn't mean like, I can't talk to him, but he meant he did not want me to talk about that situation. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do with 24 hours? Oh, my gosh, I have so many words and so many thoughts. But you know what I did? I thought I thought about what he said. I thought about what I said. I thought about what he meant. I thought about what I should be thinking, and something magical happened in 24 hours, you guys. And it was that my response to Sean was so different 24 hours later than it would have been if I would have given him an answer right away. He's a wise man, isn't he?
There are times in your relationships when you're going to learn a new skill, a new tool. Shaun didn't get that out of a book. It was really spontaneous because he was tired of us dealing with this issue the same old way. So he's like, let's switch it up. Let's do something different. And now that has become one of our favorite go-to tools. When we are in an impasse, when we're dealing with conflict that we really can't get through, it's like, okay, let's come back to this thing in 24 hours. You think about it. I'll think about it. And guess what? In 24 hours, you guys, we almost always reconcile because whatever that thing was isn't even important anymore.
We've had so much time to think about what is the real issue and what we're really feeling and what we're really dealing with, that whatever we were upset about, it doesn't matter. Usually in 24 hours. So that might be a tool that you can use in your relationship or when you're in conflict, what is something else that you can do? What's another tool that you can use to bring to that conflict to get a different result? And that is one of the greatest things that conflict teaches us. They teach us or it, I should say, teaches us new skills, new tools.
Conflict in Relationships Shows You Who the Real Enemy Is
Number five is that conflict teaches you who the real enemy is. I say this so many times that I feel like a broken record. Your spouse is not the problem. The problem is the problem. You need to look at your spouse, maybe right now if you're with them, or later on when you see them, and tell them you are not the problem. The problem is the problem. When you deal with conflict in your relationship, then you get to realize that, like, my spouse is not my enemy. We are on the same team here. We are together fighting a common enemy. And when you go through conflict, if you're aware and if you're wise enough to understand that, then you can get through anything together because you'll realize that your spouse isn't the problem. Your spouse isn't really the issue.
Your spouse is your warrior friend. They really are. I know you might not think of your spouse in that way, but they really are your warrior friend. Even if they're not treating you nicely, even if you guys maybe aren't even talking right now, maybe you're in the middle of a silent treatment right now and you're like, they are not my warrior friend. I do not like them right now. Like, I get it, y'all, I get it. But your spouse is your warrior friend. And so when you can actually go through conflict with them instead of against them, then you realize what the real enemy is.
Now, if you are a Christian listening to this podcast, you will know what I'm about to say. The real enemy is the enemy. It is the enemy himself who was out to steal, kill, and destroy, who hates marriage, who hates to see you thrive, who hates to see you win, who wants to destroy your marriage, wants to destroy your family, wants to destroy your legacy, wants to destroy your testimony. He's the real enemy. And what he does is he puts these little smoke and mirrors up in front of us and we begin to think, oh my gosh, I married the wrong person. Oh my gosh, my spouse doesn't love me anymore. Or oh my gosh, I don't love my spouse anymore. I've fallen out of love. Maybe John down the street is better suited for me. Maybe Susie down in the break room is actually who I really need to be with. And that's his play. He's done the same thing since the beginning of time.
A Lesson About Conflict and the Blame Game
Adam and Eve and the Garden blamed each other for the very thing that the enemy had caused them to do. So we have got to start getting wise, you all, and stop fighting each other and realize that we have a common enemy. Now, you might be thinking, literally, Dana, is Satan himself really against me and my marriage? Yes. Okay, but there are times that it might not be that deep, right? You might have an enemy that is more tangible or more in your face if you want to put it that way. You could be dealing with, let's say you're just dealing with unforgiveness. Well, unforgiveness is the enemy. It's not your spouse. You could be dealing with an addiction. Well, the addiction is the enemy, not your spouse. Now, that's not a reason to excuse bad behavior and be like, oh, it's not your fault, it's just the enemy. No, we still have to take personal responsibility, right? Because none of us are puppets on a string. We still have free will, we still have choice. But at the end of the day, we do need to understand that there is a real enemy out there who is seeking to devour, who's seeking to devour your marriage. And so when you understand that, then you can start taking your focus off of your spouse as the bad guy or the bad girl, and you can start to look at who's really behind the destruction of your marriage. Y'all, I could do an entire podcast on that alone. It's so important that you understand that fact now because I love you, I'm going to give you a bonus number six reason as to how conflict is actually connection.
Conflict Can Be Great for Make-Up Sex
Are you all ready for this one? Conflict helps you to have great makeup sex. I mean, it just does. You know, I was going there. It's true, it's true. Think of all the great makeup sex that you have had in your marriage. It's incredible. You're like, oh my gosh, I haven't talked to my spouse. I haven't touched them because I'm mad at them. And so, like, when their toe grazes my leg in the middle of the night, I snatch my leg away because I don't want them touching me at all. Am I in your house? Does anybody else do that other than me? Am I crazy self, right? It's like when you are in conflict with your spouse, you don't want to be touched, you don't want to connect with them. You don't want to look at them, you don't want to be near them. You're upset with them. And then when you make up, it's like all of that energy has just been like building up, building up, building up. And now you get to release it and the angels sing in heaven and it's glorious. It's amazing. Now, don't go getting on your spouse's nerves just to have great makeup sex. Like, over time, that's going to get old. But should you find yourself in conflict, just understand that in about two or three days, you're going to be great. You're going to be like, oh, okay.
Funny, funny story; I remember. Well, it wasn't funny then, it wasn't funny then at all. It was pretty traumatic. But it's funny now because I'm on the other side of it. I remember Shaun and I had gone through this in-home separation. This is back in crazy, crazy times of our marriage, and we've been through many different crazy cycles. But this particular time we were going to do like this in-home separation because we didn't want the kids to know how bad it was. And so we were in this in-home separation and I was like, don't even think about coming in my room and getting in my bed. We are separated, okay? And so Shaun was like on his nicest behavior. Of course, he's trying to get back in my good graces. And I'm like, no, we're doing this in-home separation thing. And you guys, there was something about just being in the same house with this man. It was like electrical charges were flying all over the place. And I was trying to put on my game face and be strong and be like, you know what? No, we are doing this separation thing. And he was like, hey, can I give you a massage? No, do not touch me. But then it was like two days later, I'd be like, well, maybe just a shoulder massage. That's it, nothing lower, just a shoulder massage. And then like ten minutes later we were like having sex or something. I'm serious. That just is the truth. That's my truth.
That's how it happens. Why am I telling you this? Because when you are married and you go through these seasons of conflict, on the other side of that, it can bring you closer together. It can bring you closer together. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. There is a bond that is created, yes, through sex, that helps the other forms of intimacy in your marriage. So when you're able to look at conflict as this thing is, it's not so scary, it's not so detrimental. It doesn't have to come and destroy your marriage. You don't have to be afraid of it. You don't have to shy away from it. You don't have to pretend that conflict isn't there. You can look at conflict and say, you know what? I am grateful for this conflict because it's going to get us to talking. It's also going to get us to shut up. It's also going to teach me about my partner. It's also going to teach us some new skills. It's also going to teach us who the real enemy is. And then it's also going to help us to have some incredible sex. Conflict is not that scary. So I hope, my friends, that this episode is going to help you the next time you find yourself in conflict to see all the beautiful benefits that can come out of it if you understand that conflict can actually be a support tool for you and your marriage. So that wraps up our episode today.
I'm so glad that you are here with us today. I'm so glad that you are a faithful listener of this podcast. And maybe this is your first time. You're like, I ain't a faithful listener. This is my first time. You're going to be a faithful listener now, aren't you? So again, as I stated at the top of the show, I would appreciate it so much, you guys, if you would just take a minute or two and write a podcast review. You can do that on Apple podcast or Spotify and tell everybody you know about this podcast. I love meeting listeners, like I just told you, right here in Virginia Beach in my local area, where people will come up to me that I don't even know and say, I love your show, I love your podcast. That just makes me know that I'm hitting the target. And this is why Ido this, you guys.
I do this podcast for you because I want to help you in your marriages. I want to give you some practical tools. I don't want to just show up every week and just talk about nothing. I'm right where you are. I'm building my marriage too. I'm growing my marriage, too. I'm reading the books. I'm going to the conferences. I'm building just like you're building. So let's build together. Let's thrive together. Let's grow together. You can find the show notes of this podcast at realrelationshiptalk.com/episode146, and oh, I can't believe I forgot to say this. A couple of years ago, I think it was in 2021, it may have been 2022, I did an episode called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It was episode 88. And if you've never heard of what the Four Horsemen are. You have got to listen to that episode. It's actually John Gottman who's, like, relationship guru extraordinaire. He came up with these four horsemen, these four really detrimental, destructive things coming out of a conflict that will destroy any relationship. So make sure that you listen to that one. Again, it's episode 88. And as we like to end every episode by saying a good relationship is not one that works. A good relationship is one where you put in the work.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Join the Christian Marriages & Relationships Group on Facebook
Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Take the "How Connected a Partner Are You? Quiz
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Truth’s Table: Race, Theology & Relationships - with Ekemini Uwan and Dr. Christina Edmonson
Today we are so blessed to have with two midwives of Culture for Grace and Truth, Ekemini Uwan and Dr. Christina Edmonson, of the highly acclaimed and award-winning Truth’s Table Podcast.
I have been listening to their podcast for a couple of years and when Hannah, our podcast editor, reached out to tell me we were going to have them on the show, I could hardly contain my excitement. Truths’ Table is a go-to podcast in the black, Christian community, and has even been featured on Grammy Award Winning Hip-Hop Artist, Lecrae’s album, All Things Work Together.
Ekemini Uwan
Ekemini and Christina share their much-needed perspectives on politics, race, culture, entertainment, and gender filtered through an accessible yet robust Christian theological framework.
Ekemini is a public theologian and also a contributing writer for Hallmark Mahogany (which is my favorite brand of greeting cards by the way). Christianity Today named her among "10 New or Lesser-Known Female Theologians Worth Knowing. Ekemini has appeared on MSNBC, and her insights are quoted by NPR, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker among other publications.
Ekemini is also single and shares her perspective on today’s show on living single. She writes a chapter in the book called Hidden in Plain Sight: A Single Black Woman’s Manifesto.
Dr. Christina Edmonson
Christina holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology, a Masters degree in Family Therapy, and a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology. She speaks and writes on leadership development, anti-racism, and mental health issues.
Christina has been married for over two decades and shares some powerful truths about mutual submission and healthy marriage.
Truths’ Table podcast, featured on Grammy Award Winning Hip-Hop Artist, Lecrae’s album, All Things Work Together and their book called Truth’s Table: Black Women’s Musings on Life, Love, and Liberation has been nominated for the 54th NAACP Image Awards!
Get excited!! Let’s welcome the show Ekemini Oowan and Dr. Christina Edmonson.
Relationships are complex as it is, but adding race to the mix can make things even more challenging. The ladies offer insights that could help us all navigate these relationships more thoughtfully.
Colorism and Light-Skinned Privilege
One of the most important themes that emerged in the episode was a conversation about colorism in the black community and the importance of acknowledging privilege. Christina spoke candidly about how the lighter-skinned privilege she experiences can lead to resentment and confusion in relationships with other Black women. She also recognized how societal and historical factors have contributed to her privilege, saying "It's hard to recognize my privilege because it feels like denying the pain and experiences of other people.”
Dr. Christina Edmondson emphasized that it's important to reflect on our own privileges and how they impact our relationships. For example, she spoke about how Scripture has historically been interpreted primarily by men, and how this can have implications for how women are perceived in relationships. Men often hold positions of power in society and the church, and their hermeneutic might be self-serving in order to gain validation they don't get elsewhere.
This conversation around privilege intersects with the topic of colorism, or the bias against people with darker skin tones, which can be especially damaging in relationships between Black men and women. Society has conditioned us to see lighter skin as warmer and kinder, and darker skin as mean and cold. Ekemini spoke about her own experience with colorism, where people have made negative assumptions about her personality or intellect based on the tone of her skin.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Race Conversations 101: How to Have Civil, Compassionate, & Courageous Conversations About Race
Submission in Marriage
While the conversation around race and privilege can feel heavy, we also offered some practical insights that could help people to navigate relationships more effectively. Since this is a marriage podcast, we had to discuss the concept of submission in relationships. Christina spoke about the fear or discomfort some women may have around the idea of submission, but pointed out that mutual submission in a couple's relationship assumes equity, unlike a hierarchical relationship between a child and parent.
Submission in a couple's relationship requires both partners to lay down preferences, and is ultimately an expression of love.
Dating Challenges in the Social Media Age
The episode also touched on the challenges of dating, particularly in the age of social media and dating apps. Ekemini spoke candidly about her own experiences, and how she prefers to meet people through mutual connections. However, due to the constraints of modern dating, she also uses dating apps. She is looking for someone who loves God, has good ethics, is kind, and aware of their issues and is willing to grow together.
Past Trauma and Relationships
Another major topic of the discussion was how past trauma can impact marriages and relationships. The guest speakers emphasized the importance of self-reflection and facing mirrors that show our flaws. Unacknowledged trauma can seep into marriages and cause pain and issues, which is why it's important to name and reconcile any painful experiences.
Authentic Conversations about Race
At its core, this podcast episode offers a testament to the power of authentic conversations and reflection in relationships. Ekemini and Christina’s genuine friendship is evident throughout the episode, and they come from a place of vulnerability and honesty. It's clear that there are no easy answers when it comes to navigating relationships and race, but by participating in these conversations, we can learn and be challenged in new ways.
We're not going to get all the answers in one podcast. We need to keep having these conversations, where people are learning, growing and pushing boundaries. And this is the beginning. As the host of Real Relationship Talk, it is my honor to present and do this important work by fostering conversations around relationships and race that are thoughtful, honest, and vulnerable. By engaging with these conversations and reflecting on our own experiences and privileges, we can all work towards building more loving and understanding relationships, with ourselves and with others.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Take the Free "How Connected Are You?" Quiz!
Learn more about Truth's Table
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Confessions of a Crappy Christian - with Blake Guichet
Are you a Christian who struggles with some aspects of the faith? Do you have more questions than answers? Today, I’m talking with Blake Guichet, author and podcast host of Confessions of Crappy Christian, about her story of the deconstruction and reconstruction of her faith. We ask and answer some questions we had and still have about the Christian faith. We also discuss how we, as Christians, need to develop the art of better listening skills, especially when talking to someone about matters we disagree on.
I truly believe we are all capable of honoring others even when disagreeing on values and/or beliefs. There are some “non-negotiables” about the Christian faith that are sacred, like the authority of Jesus Christ and what his death and resurrection signifies. However, there are “minors” that some Christians “major” on that only perpetuate a divide within our own faith and the impending faith of others.
The Curious Christian
Blake and I discuss how, as parents, it is very important to allow space for our children to be curious . . . to ask all the questions about the Christian faith we want them to embody. As children, we were both disappointed with a lot of the pat answers we received when we asked real questions about faith, gender roles and rules, and other topics.
That experience taught me to truly listen to my curious children and keep listening to my curious self. The curious Christian is a growing Christian. The day curiosity leaves and replaced with certainty is the day faith is no longer needed. It’s okay to not understand every aspect of the Christian faith. It’s okay to not have all the answers you’re seeking either. Faith is indeed, “the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).
Deconstruction of Destruction?
“A lot of what I feel is happening today isn’t deconstruction but destruction,” Blake said, when I asked about her take on the topic of deconstruction in culture today. She goes on to say that people aren’t necessarily asking questions about faith in order to rebuild what needs to be rebuilt; they are just leveling the whole thing when they don’t understand something. When Blake went through her questioning and deconstructing phase (which is ongoing, by the way), her goal was to extract the inaccuracies she had been taught in order to replenish her faith with what is real and true and still holds. I can attest to this myself.
I am grateful that we serve a God who is not afraid or offended by our questions; who is not moved off his throne by our doubt. He is able to keep what we have committed to him (our hearts) through any and every season (2 Timothy 1:12).
Links Mentioned During This Episode
How Connected a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz!
Learn more about Blake and Hear Her Podcast
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Overcoming Father Wounds - with Kia Stephens
Fatherlessness is at an all-time high. The pain of growing up without a dad isn’t something that just leaves you. Today, we’re talking with Kia Stephens, author of Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God’s Perfect Love. Kia shares her story of what life was like growing up with an absentee father and the road she walked to forgiveness. You’ve likely heard of daddy-less daughters and fatherless families. But what isn’t often talked about is what is required on the part of the abandoned child (who is likely now an adult) to bring healing and wholeness to their life.
Abandonment Breeds Rejection
Kia acknowledges the rejection she felt by her father’s abandonment. Without a doubt, abandonment breeds the seed of rejection in our lives. Many grown men and women today are still hurting from the rejection they felt once their dads left. Typically, fathers provide a deeper level of identity and affirmation to a child, so when he is not there, that child is left with wounds that are hard to heal. Kia calls these affirmation wounds, love wounds, and acceptance wounds. But what about moms? Can’t moms fill in the gaps for the gaps absentee fathers leave? Unfortunately, no. Though the role of mom is very important, it’s the covering of a father that most children crave.
Rejection makes us feel unwanted. Kia tells a story of a friend who casually mentioned building a bookshelf with her dad. The pain of that simple story made such an impact on Kia as she realized she would never build anything with her own dad. There would be no camping trips, long conversations, or other “normal” things that many girls that did have their fathers around would experience. And there again, the cycle of rejection is solidified.
Physically Present But Emotionally Absent
Maybe your father was physically present but emotionally absent. That can hurt just as bad, and sometimes even worse. If you grew up with a father who was an alcoholic or other kind of addict, emotionally absent, abusive, etc., you likely dealt with the same father wounds. Let this be a charge to the fathers who are still present in the home: proximity doesn’t equal presence. Being present is being fully vested in the relationship: body, mind, and soul.
Forgiveness is the Key
The only way to heal the wound of fatherlessness is through forgiveness. Kia talks about the process she had to walk through to forgive her father. And hear me, forgiveness is not optional. I know that it’s hard, but forgiveness is not just for the other person, but ultimately for you. When you forgive, you set yourself free from the shame, the pain, the loss, the sorrow, the anger, and the need to retaliate. You become free even if/when the other person can’t or won’t acknowledge what they did to you. Kia was encouraged to write a forgiveness latter: basically a letter “getting it all out there.” The caveat is that you don’t actually send the letter to the person who harmed you (in this case, your father), but you use it as a powerful tool of asserting your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Again, forgiveness is for you.
ALSO LISTEN TO: The Power of Forgiveness: Release Them, Restore You
There’s much more to this episode! Be sure to listen to the episode in full.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get Kia’s book Overcoming Father Wounds
Learn more about Kia at kiastephens.com.
How Connected of a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz!
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Overcoming Living with an Emotionally Absent Spouse - with Beatriz Vargas
Do you know what it’s like to feel emotionally disconnected from your spouse because he/she is emotionally absent? The pain of that kind of disconnection is real, and it’s far too common. Joining us on this episode is Beatriz Vargas, host of The Grace-Fueled Wife Podcast, who shares the story of how her husband walked out on their marriage after being emotionally disconnected and how their marriage was restored afterward.
What Defines an Emotionally Absent Spouse?
What actually defines an emotionally absent spouse? In Beatriz’s case, her husband had all but checked out on the marriage. They were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but were totally disconnected. Other disconnected marriages might involve the majority of the communication centering around the logistics of the marriage but lacking intimacy in the marriage. What defines an emotionally distant marriage to you?
Change Can Cause Disconnection
We all know change is important to a healthy marriage, but sometimes when one spouse changes too quickly or too drastically, it can cause disconnection in the marriage. Say one spouse loses an incredible amount of weight and quite literally become a new person. If their spouse isn’t 100 percent on board with this change, it can cause emotional distance and reveal hidden jealousies, fears, and insecurities.
In Beatriz’s case, she talks about a time when she began to grow spiritually. Her husband didn’t grow at the same pace as she did, so she stepped in and decided to “hook him up” with some Christian men she thought could help him. That backfired, and her husband seemed to withdraw all the more. I had a similar experience with Shaun. You’ll have to listen to the episode to hear that story, but suffice it to say we probably shouldn’t make “playdates” for our spouses . . . especially when they are already emotionally disconnected.
Be sure to listen to the full episode and be encouraged that even if there is emotional distance in your marriage, you can overcome!
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
The Grace-Fueled Wife Podcast
How Connected of a Partner Are You? Take the Free Quiz!
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She Deserves Better: Overcoming Toxic Teachings About Sex - with Sheila Gregoire
Did you grow up believing what you now realize was toxic teaching on sex? Maybe your church, youth group, or family told you that as a girl you were somehow responsible for the lust of men. Yep. We’re going there. Joining us on today’s episode is popular author and speaker, Sheila Gregoire, who co-wrote the book She Deserves Better.
Sheila and I talk about some of the toxic teachings on sex that the evangelical church (and other entities) promoted. Some of these teachings include things like, “Boys will be boys,” and “Girls are a stumbling block for men,” which in a sense is teaching men that they are not responsible for their own lust, but girls are. We also talk about how parents, moms especially, can shift the conversation from blaming young women for the sexual advances and inappropriateness of others.
Toxic Teaching on Sex Can Be Triggering
As you listen, you may be triggered by some of the toxic teaching on sex, especially if you were hurt by adults you trusted. This podcast is not meant to stir up those feelings, but it is meant to be a breath of fresh air that we no longer have to repeat these teachings to our daughters (or sons!). She deserves better, and so do you.
It’s time we start telling the truth about modesty, purity, lust, and sin. It’s time we put the responsibility back on those in whom it belongs. It’s time we start living in the freedom that Christ gives and not allowing ourselves to be “under a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1). Does this mean we should throw modesty and purity out of the window? Absolutely not. It means that we learn to have the right conversations and we teach a balanced, biblical, and honest view of sexuality and its expressions.
Be sure to listen to the full episode and be ready to rethink how you’ve believed or how you believe.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get Sheila’s Book: She Deserves Better
Listen to Sheila’s Podcast
Episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy: Rethinking Sex with Sheila Gregoire
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Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
In this episode, we discuss the unrealistic expectations that people have in their marriages. You should have expectations in relationships, but it is important to learn how to manage and overcome unrealistic expectations. You've likely heard, "No expectations, no disappointments," but I think that's a terrible way to live in a marriage. What are your expectations? What are you looking for? We will explore where these expectations come from and whether they are realistic or not. Also, we'll talk about the importance of communicating your expectations to your partner.
Unrealistic vs Reasonable Expectations
We'll start by discussing the difference between unrealistic and reasonable expectations. Often, people have expectations that are unrealistic, and that leads to disappointment and frustration. For example, expecting your spouse to be your best friend or provide a beautiful home may be reasonable but is it a realistic expectation for him/her? It's important to examine where these expectations come from and whether they are truly important to you or not.
Where Do Expectations Come From?
Next, we'll explore where these expectations come from. Expectations can come from a variety of sources such as family of origin, religious beliefs, media, culture, personal desires, and other people's expectations. We'll take a closer look at the expectations that are rooted in religious beliefs or cultural norms and whether they are realistic or not. Again, what might be realistic for one spouse may be unrealistic for another.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Setting Realistic Expectations in Your Marriage
Communicating Your Expectations
In this segment, we'll discuss the importance of communicating your expectations to your spouse. Often, people have unspoken expectations, assuming their partner should know what they want. However, unspoken expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration. I'll provide some tips on how to effectively communicate your expectations and ensure that both partners are on the same page.
5 Common Unrealistic Expectations
I share about five unrealistic expectations that people often have in their marriages. These include expecting your spouse not to change, thinking you can change your spouse, expecting your spouse to make you happy, assuming your spouse should know what you're thinking, and expecting your spouse to be like you. How can spouses overcome these unrealistic expectations in their marriage? We'll discuss why these expectations are unrealistic and how to reframe them to create more realistic expectations.
Finally, I share several solutions to overcoming unrealistic expectation in your marriage and how your marriage can benefit from proper communication, Remember, unspoken expectations can lead to unmet desires, which leads to unnecessary disappointment.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Sign up for our FREE Thrive Marriage Mastermind Workshop!
How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage
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Overcoming Separation, Infidelity, & Dysfunction in Marriage - with Joseph & Madelyn Stallings
Welcome to this episode of our podcast where we're joined by Joseph and Madelyn Stallings, who have graciously agreed to share their journey through infidelity, separation, and marital dysfunction with us today.
Joseph and Madelyn have known each other since childhood, and on today's show, they talk about their journey towards a more healthy and thriving marriage, despite the numerous hurdles they've faced along the way.
The Importance of Premarital Counseling
We start by discussing how they met and their premarital counseling experience. Like Shaun and me, the Stallings have known each other since childhood. Joseph’s parents did their premarital counseling, but he doesn't recommend this. Neither do I, because couples tend to not be forthcoming when a family member (especially parents) are facilitating their pre-marital counseling.
ALSO SEE: Why Should I Get Premarital Counseling?
We delve deeper into the importance of premarital counseling and how it can help couples overcome childhood wounds and trauma that can seep into their marriage.
An Unexpected Result of their Separation
The Stallings experienced several separations in their marriage: some lasting for just a few months, and the longest over a year. Then, quite unexpectedly, Madelyn gets pregnant. She shares her experience of becoming pregnant with someone else's child while she and Joseph were separated, and how they worked through the emotions of it all. Only by God’s grace were they able to reconcile and work through the pain of that choice.
Disconnection Leaves You Vulnerable to Infidelity
We talk about the importance of staying connected and avoiding disconnection, which really makes your marriage vulnerable to infidelity. As Joseph puts it, "You can't let your emotions drive, but you can't put them in the back trunk either.” Basically, don’t allow your emotions to run your relationship, but withholding how you’re truly feeling only leads to disconnection in your marriage.
After their last separation, things began to take a turn for the worst again, and this time it was Joseph who was unfaithful. Joseph shares his story of having an affair and the steps they took to heal and move forward. We discuss the importance of understanding the real source of pain and how it can help couples to stop hurting each other and to find the real source of their healing.
Through their journey, Joseph and Madelyn have learned the importance of honesty, transparency, forgiveness, and communication. They remind us that marriages can truly endure more than we imagine, but through God’s grace, forgiveness, and a lot of “heart work,” we can make them work.
Thank you for tuning in to this episode, and we hope you find it insightful and helpful in your own journey towards a healthy and thriving marriage.
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Overcoming Fear in Marriage
Introduction: Welcome to this week's episode of our podcast, where we explore the topic of fear and how it affects marriages. Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown, but it can also be debilitating and prevent us from fully experiencing intimacy in marriage. Today we'll discuss how fear can be the root of all intimacy problems in marriage and how to overcome it.
Segment 1: Fear - Fear is not all bad. It can be a warning sign that something is wrong, and it can motivate us to take action. However, fear can also immobilize us and prevent us from taking risks or trying new things in our marriage. We need to learn to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy fear and understand how to respond appropriately.
Segment 2: Courage - One of the best definitions I've heard for courage is choosing to act in spite of fear. Courage isn't the absence of fear. If you never feel fear, there is no need for courage, actually. We need to learn to face our fears and push through them. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a relationship, to risk being hurt, and to trust our spouse.
Segment 3: There are different fears in relationships, including the fear of being hurt, the fear of rejection, the fear of being made a fool of, the fear of your spouse cheating on you, the fear of losing yourself in your marriage, the fear of losing control, and the fear of being fully known, amongst others. These fears will lead to intimacy problems in marriage if not addressed.
Segment 4: How to Get Rid of Fear: To overcome fear, we need to acknowledge that it's there and not hide or deny it. We can ask ourselves, "What's the worst that can happen?" Then, prepare for the worst-case scenario. We can also "trust in the Lord" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and renew our minds with His word, worship, and our words.
Conclusion: Fear can be the root of all intimacy problems in marriage. But by acknowledging our fears, facing them with courage, and trusting in the Lord, we can overcome them and experience deeper intimacy in our relationships. As Psalm 34:4-5 says, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Ep. 14 - How These Hidden Fears are Ruining Your Relationships
Get Your FREE e-book: 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life: danache.com/relationshipmistakes
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Overcoming Financial Infidelity in Marriage
Financial problems is the #2 reason for divorce in our country. So it makes sense that we tackle the issue of financial infidelity in marriage. This goes deeper than just having money mindset challenges or spouses disagreeing on how money is spent. Financial infidelity speaks to the deception that a couple may find themselves facing when keeping secrets or telling lies about how money is spent in the marriage.
Joining us for this conversation is the founder of Pacific Capital, Chad Willardson, who coaches high earning entrepreneurs to create more wealth and focus on wealth planning in their lives and businesses. Chad has been married for over 22 years, and is the father of five children. He has been featured on Inc., Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, and more. He has written the books Stress Free Money and Smart Not Spoiled.
I loved hearing Chad’s story of how he grew up to appreciate living a life of generosity, which, I believe is foundational to the success he’s experiencing today.
We discuss how married couples can and should be honest about their spending practices, how to challenge their limiting beliefs about money, and where to start to recover if finances have taken a toll on the marriage.
Chad shares his best tips and resources to help couples get out of debt, create wealth, and live a life they love.
To learn more about Chad, visit https://pacificcapital.com.
Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Follow Chad on Linked In
Finding Financial Peace in Your Marriage - with Austin Black
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Finding Joy in the Midst of Pain - with Nicole JacobsmeyerToday we are so blessed to have with us one of our new podcast friends. Her name is Nicole Jacobsmeyer. Nicole is a speaker and author and a mom and she is lovely. I loved this conversation that we had today. We talked a lot about joy and what does it mean to have joy? Because so oftentimes y’all, we go through things in our lives and we get knocked down to get back up, maybe in your relationship. You felt like your relationship or your marriage was totally destroyed or you've been knocked down and you're really struggling trying to get back up, getting back in the game of life and going on with what you know that your purpose is.
Nicole has written a book called Take Back Your Joy and I love the subtitle, it's “fighting for purpose when life is more than you can handle.” I don't know about you, but I have been through some seasons of my life where I have felt like it is just too much. Like it's just too much Lord. I don’t know why you think I can handle this. Like Lord I didn't sign up for the strongest warrior battle plan, okay? So, what does it look like to have joy? What does it look like to have peace? What does it look like to know who and whose you are and the midst of going through really, really traumatic times in your life? Here are some snippets of our conversation:
A Broken Christian HomeNicole: I grew up in a Christian home. I had a wonderful upbringing and then it wasn't until my late teens and early 20s that I just had a lot of awful things happen to me and surrounding me. And one of those was my dad shared that he was living a double life. And so this unfaithfulness our family was very devastating. I had an abusive verbally and mentally abusive volleyball coach, which was really detrimental to my faith and my character. And then shortly after all of this, I had a horrific experience and was actually raped. And this culmination of pain made me really doubt God's consider a joy when trials come my way. And when I read specific scriptures, it didn't feel true. And so, overall these years, then just a few years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, we lost a baby, we moved across the country, I was single parenting. My husband was in the medical field and he was just so slammed at work. And I just found myself asking those same questions that I did, you know, prior. And so this idea of joy and suffering and becoming who God wants me to be really made me understand that it was through the pain that he started to use these different qualities in me now, which I mean, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but I'm very thankful that God is actually doing what he said he will do, which is producing us character and hope and endurance and joy because of the pain that we face like it says in Romans. So it's been a journey. And a hard one.
Dana Che: Wow, it's been a journey for you. So your parents become kind of that that physical representation of who God is to you, so I can understand like when that is broken, it does break the trust that we have with God, like if these people that say that they love me unconditionally who are right here break my trust, then why should I believe that a God who I can't see and who I don't really know for sure is there that he won't break my trust.
When you were vin college, where were you in your faith journey?
Developing a Real Relationship with GodNicole: Ever since I committed my life to Christ, you know and said this “sinner's prayer," at just such a young age I think our entire life is growing in a relationship of Christ and so I didn't experience a lot of hardships growing up and I while I would like to say that I had a firm foundation It wasn't tested, you know It wasn't tested through the fire to come out more purified living in like the head knowledge and truly loving the Lord, truly wanting to read my Bible and do the right thing and surround myself with good people and go to Wednesday night Bible studies and prayer groups. I wanted to do those things, but I don't think that it's like there's a different aspect into your relationship with Christ and trusting him when pain and trials really do come.
ALSO READ: Purpose in Pain
That experience (the assault) really made me go deep into the word. I've trying to figure out what does this mean because now I no longer just read verses and just think, oh yeah, that's true. It's like, I have to know that I know that I know that, you know, God is good and why and looking back and seeing what he's done for me. And really, maybe I missed the point of the entirety of the gospel at that point in my life. Maybe I missed the sacrifice that he has, you know, given us. And I maybe overlooked that and It was just while I would like to say I was very strong in my faith, I think that I was just so broken after that. That is hard to say exactly where I was. Yeah. So how did you reconcile that whole question? Because that's a real question like God, if you are good and so many people ask this question, right? It's like God, if you are good, why would you allow this to happen? If your word says and we can go in scripture and find all these scriptures about, you know, him being our hiding place and no evil will come to us and all of that. That's right. God, if your word says all of that, how did you reconcile him allowing this thing to happen to you?
Finding Joy in Pain by Asking the Right QuestionsDana Che: I love so much of what you're saying Nicole. I think about a quote Graham Cook says and he says, “instead of asking God why, ask him what? Like ask him what or who do you want to be to me in this?” That changed how I go through trials in my own life. You know, somebody I think it was Joyce Meyer that said, “You know, instead of saying, why me ask why not you?” We are not innocuous to the pain of this world, even though we are believers, even though we know the Lord, it doesn't protect us from everything. But what it does do, I think, is it gives us hope. that, you know, like Paul says, "We don't grieve as those who don't have hope.” We can actually go through things in life and not be completely devastated and depressed to the point that we can't function.
Nicole: I learned 10 years prior to this that I didn't have anything to offer and yet God still saw me in that moment. And I was like, I have to start like writing this out. But as I started processing and writing, it's like this thread of joy, of understanding true joy, and that assurance that God is with me regardless of what I go through, all the highs, all the lows, I can have this firm foundation and nothing can shake me. That seemed like I wanted that. I wanted that. I mean, and it's all throughout the word. And so I was like, what is this I needed? Much into this idea of joy and suffering and what I've been told versus what I'm living out versus what's in the word versus what is being spoken in books and in pastors and all this stuff. And I was like, I've got to find this for myself. So it was a long process.
Dana Che: Oh my gosh. You know, it's joy is like one of those words that has been so butchered in our culture where people think joy is happiness. That's right. So it's hard to be like, well, how can you go through something like that and be happy And that's not what you're saying at all. Like that's not the biblical definition of joy. So if you had to describe or define joy to someone, how would you define that?
The Difference Between Happiness and JoyNicole: I first would say what happiness is, it's because that would help us to know what joy isn't. Because I think we just are so, like you said, we're just so quick to say that. And happiness is just fleeting. It's just an emotion, you know, it's just fleeting. Depending on anything, you know, we can be happy one moment, moment, it just comes and goes, but joy, it stays. It has that staying power because Christ is our joy. He is our strength. He is our portion. He is our help. He is our peace. He is all of these things and he's also our joy. And the Holy Spirit, you know, when we're filled with the Holy Spirit, we've got those fruits and one of them is joy. And so I can't, I can't reach for it. I can't strive for it. I can't, you know, have an experience and hope that me joy, it is that we have a relationship with Christ and that is our joy. And so I feel like it's been this back and forth with me of thinking, okay, now this must be joy. Or this must be joy because I'm happy. But then you think of the word, it's like, are you kidding me? Do you think God would tell us to be happy in all circumstances and be it's like going back to his character of who we know him to be and who we and what we read in the word of who we are at the foot of the cross.
Dana Che: Yeah. You know, happiness depends on our happenings, right? So it's like this external circumstantial dependent place that, you know, if life is going well, then I'm happy. But, you know, if my boyfriend breaks up with me, my husband cheats on me, my bank account is drained, then I'm depressed. And that's right. And still have joy, but I hear you saying is that you can still have joy. and the midst of all of those things that are happening to you because you're solid in who you are in Christ and who you know them to be. And so it gives us like this, it's almost weirdly synonymous with like peace, you know, like we have peace, even though we might not be, we might, you can be crying and have joy. You can be grieving and still know that like the joy of the Lord is your strength. You can still know who God is and appreciate what he's capable of. are not full of happiness and smiles and giggles.
Nicole: Exactly. Oh, you nailed that. And I just, I think writing all of this out and processing has been so helpful for me. And I just pray it's helpful for other people. take back your joy, fighting for purpose when life is more than you can handle. Because I don't ever want to tell anybody that God will never give them more than they can handle. Because that is not the truth. I know people mean well, and I know they're just trying to be kind in the moment and don't know what else to say. But I kind of just walk through all these different things that I've been through with the pain and the suffering and the trauma and how God pulled me out. each of those trenches and how we can take these steps and these disciplines with us wherever we go and be able to live that out.
Links Mentioned in this Episode: Take Back Your Joy by Nicole Jacobsmeyer.
Download Your Free Audio: 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
How to Know When It’s Time to DivorceIn this episode, we are discussing the difficult topic of divorce. Although I am pro-marriage through and through, there are times, sadly, when divorce may need to occur: abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addiction. While divorce is never easy, sometimes it is the only option left for individuals to protect themselves and their families. We explore each of these situations and provide information on how to recognize when it may be time to consider divorce.
When to Divorce: AbuseAbuse can come in many forms, including physical, emotional, and verbal. It is important to recognize the signs of abuse and know when it is time to seek help. I do not believe a marriage can be saved when there is physical abuse present. I always advise individuals to seek help and safety if they are being physically abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233.
We also address the common misconceptions surrounding abuse and why leaving an abusive relationship is often the best course of action. Emotional abuse is different. I believe couples need to seek therapeutic help to determine if mental illness is a factor or if a spouse is simply being mean or a jerk. This is tricky, because all abuse is harmful, but not all cases of emotional verbal abuse warrant divorce.
Should We Divorce Because of AdulteryAdultery can be devastating to a marriage and can leave individuals feeling hurt, rejected, and betrayed. No matter why the infidelity happened, the betrayed spouse needs to know it was not his/her fault. My marriage story includes our journey from adultery, and in no way was it easy. However, just because a marriage has gone through adultery doesn’t mean it is irretrievably broken.
Your marriage can heal after adultery. In the Bible, the prophet Malachi issues a strong warning to the men to not treat their wives “treacherously” because God hates divorce (Malachi 2:14-16). Too many have focused on the “God hates divorce” part without considering these verses in their proper context. Divorce, in that time, was “cruelty” to women (verse 16). Women in those days had no way to provide or protect themselves. And since God loves his daughters, he hates divorce. Plus, it violates covenant, and God is serious about covenant.
Is Abandonment a Reason to DivorceWhen a spouse walks out on the marriage, it can be devastating. Abandonment isn’t only a painful experience for the spouse who stayed but also any children that might be present. This leads to feelings of loneliness, rejection, and betrayal for those left behind.
One of the best Scriptures that pertain to this is I Corinthians 7:15: “But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.” If a spouse walks out on you, you are not required to go chase down behind them or wait for years for him/her to return.
Addiction Ruins Families and May Be a Cause to DivorceAddiction can have a profound impact on a marriage and can cause significant stress and strain on a relationship. Most people agree that addiction is a disease and usually required professional help to overcome. Addiction is messy, and often non-addicted spouses feel guilty for filing for divorce.
While I do not counsel couples to divorce, I do advise them to see carefully weigh the positives and negatives in their decision to stay with an addicted partner. There must be firm boundaries set in cases where addiction is wrecking a marriage.
ALSO READ: How to Live with An Addicted Spouse
Divorce is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is necessary to protect oneself and one's family. In this episode, we explored four common situations that can lead to divorce: abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addiction. It is important to remember that seeking help and support is essential during this difficult time. I believe there needs to be a lot of support and wise counsel before one makes the difficult decision to divorce.
Links Mentioned In this Episode Episode 6: On the Brink of Divorce to a Different Choice - with Javier and Christina Llerna
Episode 83: A Marriage Restored After Divorce, Drugs, & Deconstruction - with Chris & Steph Teague
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Feeling, Dealing, and Healing from Rejection - with Nicole LangmanWelcome to this episode of our podcast where we will be discussing the topic of how to deal with and heal from rejection. Rejection is a common experience that everyone goes through at some point in their life. It can be a painful and difficult experience to deal with, especially when you’re rejected by a spouse or someone you love. It’s important to understand that rejection is not a reflection of our self-worth. In this episode, I talk with clinical therapist, Nicole Langman, who wrote the book You are Wanted: Reclaiming the Truth of Who You Are. We explore different ways to cope with rejection and how to heal from it.
Understanding RejectionLet’s start off by exploring what rejection is and how it affects us. Rejection is a normal part of life, and it can come in many forms such as rejection from a job, rejection in a relationship, or rejection from a friend. It’s important to understand that rejection can be painful, but it doesn’t define who we are as a person. Nicole and I also discuss how rejection can affect our mental health and the importance of taking care of ourselves during these times.
Coping with RejectionNicole shares the painful story of how her husband walked out on her after more than twenty years of marriage. That rejection did a number on her soul, until she remembered who she was. It’s important to know that rejection can cause soul wounds, triggering abandonment or loss feelings we may have suffered from in other relationships. This is where narrative therapy really helped her and some of the people Nicole has worked with around this issue.
In this segment, we also discuss different coping mechanisms for dealing with rejection. This is where knowing your identity in Christ is crucial. When you know who He says you are, no matter how someone has rejected you or made you feel, you can heal more quickly from their actions. Nicole and I also talk about the importance of acknowledging our feelings and not suppressing them, as well as the importance of seeking support from those who love us. Some other self-care practices like exercise, meditating on God’s word, getting out of your head, and even journaling can help us cope with rejection.
ALSO LISTEN TO: How Apathy and a Lack of Interest is Silently Killing Your Relationship
Healing from RejectionLastly, we will talk about the process of healing from rejection. Self-reflection is important here and we can use the experience of being rejected as a learning opportunity. We also talk about how forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, both for ourselves and for the person who rejected us. Finally, we will touch on how to move forward from rejection and finding the courage to love and trust again.
Rejection is a difficult experience to go through, but it’s important to understand that it’s not a reflection on who we are. By acknowledging our feelings, seeking support, and engaging in the healing process, we can cope with rejection in a healthy way. Through self-reflection, spiritual practices, and forgiveness, we can also heal from rejection and use the experience as an opportunity for growth. Remember, rejection may have hurt, but it doesn’t have to destroy you. With time and resilience, we can move forward and find true healing as we remember that God can use anything, even rejection, for our good and His glory.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODENicole’s Langman's website
Get Nicole's Book: You are Wanted
SIMILAR PODCAST EPISODES ON REJECTION: Episode 122
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Black Marriage: Behind the Scenes (Black Love)- with Early and Cherese JacksonBlack marriage, like any other type of marriage, is complex and multifaceted, evolving over time. Historically, black people in America have faced numerous challenges when it comes to love, dating, and marriage. My guests on today's podcast are Early and Cherese Jackson. Married for nearly fourteen years, the Jacksons discuss how an "independent black woman" and a confident, unintimidated black met, married, and are walking together in business and ministry. It's a behind the scenes look at a real marriage. A healthy marriage. An example of a good marriage.
Emotional SupportTruthfully, whether you're black or not, you need the emotional support of your spouse. Cherese discusses how she often needs her own space to create and be herself. Early, understanding his wife's temperament and needs has learned to adjust and give her the emotional support she desires even while not physically being in her presence.
Parenting DynamicsWhen it comes to parenting, most couples will disagree on some levels. Usually, one parent is "softer" than the other, which causes one parent to be more of a disciplinarian. Couple that with a blended family, and you have a recipe for hurt feelings and disconnection. Or . . . you have an opportunity for true unity and compromise. Early and Cherese chose the latter, learning with a limp, as they blended their family together.
From present-day systemic racism, black couples have had to navigate a society that often fails to value and support their relationships. Despite these challenges, black marriage has persisted, and in recent years, there has been a resurgence of interest in celebrating and elevating black love. That's the entire reason I did this #blacklove series on the show.
Thank you for taking this journey with me and celebrating the stories of black love.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODEConnect with Early and Cherese and New Direction Coaching
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8 Blessings & Burdens of Growing Up Black (Black Love) Growing up black was a blessing, but there were facets of how we grew up that could also be a burden. In this episode I discuss the strengths, weaknesses, blessings and burdens that come with growing up in a black family. Whether you’re here to learn about what it was like growing up black, here to learn more about your black friends, or wanted a message to resonate with, this episode dives into my experience as a black person growing up in America.
I noticed that a lot of the blessings and burdens are indicative of our black community. The reason I wanted to showcase these things is because I feel that they are strengths that our community can glean from, however sometimes they can also be weaknesses. Here are the 8 blessings that can also be burdens.
Being IndependentGrowing up black, I think one of the greatest things that I learned was independence. Being independent taught me never to rely on other people for my success. It's taught me how to get stuff done on my own. It taught me that I can do more than I realized. Being black you realize you have to do things by yourself. I was a latchkey kid. This taught me a lot about independence. However, on the flip side of that coin, independence can make us reject the support from others. There's this strong sense of pride in our we have, which is great, but sometimes the burden of it is that it can make us so independent that we don't know how to get along with others.
Show Some RespectThe second blessing that I learned growing up black is respect. Now I have a very high version of respect for others. This also caused me to have a very high appreciation for authority. Growing up as a black kid, you didn't call grown ups by their first name; you addressed them by Mrs, Ms., or Mr. (insert last name). Growing up black, there was such a level of respect in our community. On the flip side, it can become a burden. When you don't develop the greatest relationships with your children, because you’re hyper-focused on respect, it turns more into “Yes ma’am, no sir.” vs “Hey Mom, hey Daddy.”
Discipline Your KidsNumber three of growing up black taught me discipline. I learned how to be a disciplined person. On Saturday mornings, my mother would wake us up with her loud gospel music and that was our cleanup day. She didn't care that we were out of school that day and we wanted to relax, this was chore day! That taught me that you need to get stuff done. You don't just lay around and not participate in the community you live in. We're a part of a community, our little family. The burden is that sometimes we can be too disciplined, too rigid, and too stoic in our beliefs and our behaviors.
Growing Up Black Takes StrengthWe learned strength growing up black. We learned how to be strong and tough. Not only physically strong, but also emotionally strong. It taught us how to not let life tear you down. Black folks were going through some difficult times. You couldn’t let the happenings in society tear you down because you would be completely weak. On the flip side of that, sometimes that strength can make you too hard and unemotional. That takes a lot of work to undo.
Resiliency Makes Us StrongNumber five is my favorite thing to talk about. Resiliency is similar to strength, but resiliency is really having the ability to bounce back after getting knocked down. When I was young, I watched my mom go through all sorts of craziness in her life. She just kept getting back up even though she might get knocked down again. Nothing, it seemed, could keep her down. I learned that for myself as well. Unfortunately resiliency can sometimes make you stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships or friendships. It can cause you to not want to ever give up on things, even though “giving up” may be the best, healthiest thing for you.
You Have To Be ResourcefulMy mom always knew how to make something from nothing. Growing up black, we learned all you need is a little to make something work. Learning how to be resourceful allowed me to use what I had at the time. It taught me creativity on a whole other level. This, however, can become a burden, because resourcefulness can breed a scarcity mentality. If you're always thinking you don’t need a whole lot, then you won’t expect what you actually deserve. This scarcity mentality can ruin relationships, so be aware of that.
Family MattersWhat a blessing to have the rich legacy that black families provide. Family always came first. For the most part, black culture has a very family-centric focus. Having a close knit-family brought so much fun and laughter into my life. Cousins and family abounded everywhere. However, having a close family culture can also cause some burdens. Sometimes our families can meddle a little too much in our business. Because the family ties are so close, people will be up in your business who don’t need to be. It’s so important to learn how to set boundaries because of this.
Spirituality and Faith in the Black Community Finally, the biggest blessing of growing up black is spirituality and faith. There is a super strong sense of faith and God in the black community. Prayer, faith and spirituality are so interwoven in the fabric of the black family. Not every black person is or was a Christian, but all the black people I knew honored God on some level. Church was a mainstay in many black families. On the flip side, this expectation of “godliness’ can breed hypocrisy, making people be outwardly religious, but inwardly “rachet.”
As I’ve mentioned in the episode, growing up black isn’t superior to any other way of growing up. And, certainly, many of these lessons were experienced by other ethnicities and cultures as well. From my upbringing, being raised black, I have learned that what might seem like a burden can also be a blessing depending on the lens you’re looking from.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeReal Relationship Talk
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Black Marriage in America
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The Myth of the Broke & Broken Black Family (Black Love) - with Kevin and Wanda TurpinWe’re celebrating black love on this Valentine’s Day! And I’m dispelling the myth that most black families are broke or broken. The truth is there is a resiliency and strength that is foundational to many healthy black marriages and relationships.
Today, I’m joined by one of my pastors, Kevin Turpin, and his wife, Wanda. The Turpins have been married 44 years! Below are some snippets of our conversation as we delve into what they learned from their parents’ longstanding marriages, how they overcame communication problems in their own marriage, and what they think their greatest legacy as a family is.
What Did Your Parents Teach You About LoveDana Che: The fact that both of you guys have both of your parents. I love that because I feel like a lot of the stereotype is that all black people grew up in single parent homes and no black people grew up with their fathers. And both of you are living witnesses of the opposite,. You both grew up in families that were intact. Not perfect, I'm sure, but healthy.
Wanda: And we even grew up with our grandparents being married, that probably also, Dana, was a benefit to our marriage. I’m sure had our parents had some tough times, but you just don't leave. You work it out. Now, there are some things harder to get over than others, but you work it out and you stick it out until hopefully it does work out and your marriage makes sense. We saw strong marriages growing up.
Black Love: Elevating Not ExcludingDana Che: When we say black love, this is not meant to be racially exclusive. We want everyone here to feel included. But I also want to make sure that we elevate black love, especially during Black History Month. We are elevating what black love is, how resilient, how strong it is. Pastor Kevin, let me just start off by telling people we have a big value of marriage counseling and marriage coaching on this show. I know Shaun and I sat across the counseling table from you many times in our relationship, and you've counseled quite a lot of couples, not just in our church, but just couples in general.
Let me ask you, just kind of starting off this conversation, if you had to say, over the course of the many couples that you have counseled, what do you see as kind of the main foundational problem that a lot of couples are facing?
Couples with Communication ProblemsKevin: I would say communication on so many different levels. And part of it is not understanding the wiring of the other person or warning the other person, really, to think and to act, to make decisions the way that person makes them. And that's impossible because there's a book called His Brain, Her Brain. We’re wired differently in every facet. Women and men are different. That sounds trite, but it is a truth.
So what I attempt to do is to help through various tools, help couples really see how God has wired them so they can understand. Again, this took now what I can give to couples, maybe in four or five sessions, it took me half of my marriage to learn, 45 years to learn it myself. But once you come to understand, one, that you're different, and two, you learn to appreciate those differences. That's when you're on a good road to healing, a good road in terms of understanding how to work with each other in unity and in harmony. So I'll stop there, but communication is at the top.
Dana Che: All right. So let's talk a little bit about you said. It took you, like, 20-25 years to learn. So what was going on with you and Wanda? What were the communication challenges that you were seeing in your earlier years of marriage?
Kevin: Well, in our earlier years of marriage, I came in with some unusual baggage. I was very religious, sincere in my passion for God, loved not only God, but loved the church. So much so that I did one thing. I'll tell you this quick story. When I we were married for five years, four years before we had our first child, five years before we had our first child. And I had developed this regiment. On Friday nights, I go to church. I come home, work all day, one that works all day, become home, and I go to church because I was a musician. So at 06:00, I need to rehearse the choir, and then following that was a church service at around 08:00, so I wouldn't get home to about nine or 10:00 that night. Okay. So when we had Kevin, I picked Wanda up. It was a Friday that she came home. We came in the house and I said, okay, sweetheart, you got everything. And guess what I did.
Dana Che: You went to church after your new baby had just been born?
Kevin: It took some time for me to live that way down, but that was an issue that was out of total ignorance, and it really sent a really bad message to her, to where she felt, okay, this is the way my life is going to be. I got to find a way I'll stay long enough to get things stable for my son, but I don't know if I could stand this relationship.
I didn't have a clue, the message that I was sending. And at that time, Wanda wasn't a big talker. She was just saying, well, if this is his life . . . she’s not that type that's going to intrude. If that's who you are and that's what you want, I'm not going to interfere. So she didn't communicate that, but I picked it up, and there's some more to the story. But that's when I really began to kind of understand that, no, I need to learn some things. I need to mature and need to allow her to be who she is. And not try to make her who I think she should be based upon some idealistic, religious, spiritual ideology.
Married with a Spiritual ImbalanceDana Che: Yes. That is so good that you're talking about that, because I do think a lot of Christian couples are dealing with that, where you'll have kind of this imbalance in spirituality and one spouse. I mean, I was this way where I would do the whole shaming Shaun because he didn't want to go to church and trying to make him go to all the meetings and stuff that I wanted to go to and doing the whole blame and shame game. So I think that there's always that tendency because like you said, our intentions are good, but the way that we present it, it really just pushes the other spouse in the opposite direction.
WATCH MY VIDEO: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T LEAD SPIRITUALLY
Kevin: It is absolutely right. That was, for me, one of the things that I did that I learned later as I matured, that boy did that damage the relationship early on that needed some time to heal, and I had to prove it was more than words, really. You count and I really respect you. I had to demonstrate that and prove that.
Dana Che: So, Wanda, you weren't much of a talker in those early years. Was it just kind of this idea that he's going to do what he wants to do anyway, there's no need or was there something else going on inside of you that you didn't communicate, like what this was really doing to you?
Wanda: First of all, my personality is I'm an internal processor. I don't process outwardly. And also, I wasn't trying to compete with God. Now, when Kevin I'm going to go back a little bit. When we first started dating, he wasn't really well, he was involved in church, don't get me wrong, but I very much was at the top of his list. And then we get married and people say this all the time. You find out who the real person is when you get married. And I always say men like to hunt. They like to do all they can to get the prey. And then when they have the pray, they're like, okay, so I can go back to my regular life. So this part of Kevin's life, I really did not know how in depth he was or connected he was to the church.
What Most Black Fathers Want for Their DaughtersMy dad raised three girls. So I had a mom and dad all my life. I don't know anything without a mom and dad. And my dad raised three girls. And his philosophy was, I don't know that you're going to get married. I hope that you find someone special, but if not, I'm going to make sure you know how to survive. So survival, I felt like, wasn't going to be that hard for me because I kind of knew how to do it. But it was important because I already had my son, that he was connected to Kevin, even though I wasn't really connected to Kevin. So I said, well, I'll stay long enough so that I don't destroy my son. I want that bond to be there between he and his dad. And I'm not going to compete with God. If God is number one in your life, then fine. And we are at the bottom. That's where we were going to stand. So I wasn't going to try to compete with God, but I realized later it wasn't per se God. It was the religious environment that we were in.
Wanda: Dana, I want to say this. I think most people plan for the wedding, but they don't plan for the marriage. And it's very difficult. You're taking two different, totally different personalities and trying to bring them in along with your family dynamics. And we have a great relationship with both sides of our family, which I know a lot of people don't have, but we do have that. We were raised similar as far as morals and your love for your family, but the difference was the religion. Church was a part of our life, but it wasn't everything in our life.
Dana Che: Wanda, you said two things that I think are and correct me if I'm wrong or if you have a different perspective, but two things I think that might be kind of unique to black culture. One, you said that your dad raised you to basically survive. He was like, I'm going to raise these girls up to be able to take care of themselves so they're not dependent upon a man. And I find that that is something that is unique to our culture, whether you're being raised by a single mom. I was raised by a single mom for the majority of my childhood, and that was my mom's purpose. It's like, you need to be able to take care of yourself. You need to be able to be independent. And not to say that our other cultures don't teach their kids that, but I do think that there is something very unique about black culture that we want to make sure our kids are going to be all right.
They're not going to be dependent upon anybody. And then the second thing that you said that I thought was really impactful you were talking about just kind of how you grew up and the fact that both of you guys have both of your parents. And I love that because I feel like a lot of the stereotype about blacks is that all black people grew up in single parent homes, and no black people grew up with their fathers. And both of you are living witnesses of the opposite, that you both did grow up in families that were intact, not perfect, I'm sure, but impact families.
Black Families: Legacy LeaversWanda: Right. And we even grew up with our grandparents being married, so there was never divorce. I didn't see divorce until I got older and some family members that just didn't make it. But as far as my family and our grandparents, we always saw marriage. So that probably also Dana was a benefit to our marriage, because you just don't leave. I'm sure had some tough times, but you just don't leave. You work it out. Now, there are some things that it's harder to get over than others, but you work it out and you stick it out until hopefully it does work out and your marriage makes it. And we can say for both our parents, they have wonderful marriages, though. My dad died two years ago. 63 years for my parents and 72 years for Kevin's parents.
Dana Che: Wow.
Kevin: We saw strong marriages. Not perfect, but they modeled, particularly later in life. My dad is 92 and waits on my mom hand and foot, but my mother waits on him, too. So there's that reciprocal relationship, and now it's sweeter than ever. God has blessed us with tremendous role models of what a marriage is.
Dana Che: You know, I came across a quote that said, black love is revolutionary. And I've been, like, marinating on that quote. And then one of my friends said it to me not too long ago, and she's a single girl, and she's like, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to settle for just anybody. So I asked her, and I've been asking different people, like, what does that mean to you? Black love is revolutionary. So I want to ask you guys, what do you think about that quote? Do you agree? And if so, what does that mean to you?
To hear the rest of the conversation, be sure to listen to the full episode of the podcast!
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeGrab Your Free 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage Resource
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From DUI & Deception to Deliverance (Black Love) - with Shaun WilliamsMy hubby Shaun is back with today! We spill the tea on how we met, our tumultuous dating, including a tragic car accident & DUI, the ups and downs of getting pregnant and married at a young age to where we are today. Whew!
The first real situation we experienced together was at Shaun’s senior prom. I left with one of my guy friends and Shaun, in a drunken rage, followed and ended up in a car accident. One of the lowest moments in my teenage years was this night. Shaun totaled his car and went to jail. After the accident, we didn’t see each other because my mom wouldn’t allow me to see him. Shaun lost his football scholarship, experienced depression, and was shipped off to boot camp.
Absence Makes the Heart Grow FonderOnce Shaun decided it was time for change, he left for boot camp. He really felt that this experience helped grow him into a man. He would write several letters to me as he was away, but I was never the long distance type. After many months of being away, Shaun returned from boot camp and ended up running into my mom and me at the mall. Shaun said he was getting married (which was a lie), but once I got ahold of this news, I knew I couldn’t let this happen. We slowly rekindled our relationship and got back together.
Surprise VisitorIt was time for me to go off to college and Shaun decided to join me. One month into college, we got a big surprise. I was pregnant. This news completely changed the trajectory of our lives. I knew that it wasn't possible for me to raise a child in a dorm room, so I knew I had to drop out and leave college. Since our church taught us that we must get married because we’d had a child out of wedlock, we married at 18 and 21. Ahem, not advisable.
Early Marriage InfidelityShaun and I experienced so many struggles when it came to being new parents and newlyweds. We suffered from infidelity on both sides and experienced a really tough relationship in the earlier years. It got so bad that I didn't think that I would be able to continue on with this marriage. It was extremely challenging trying to build a family foundation when nothing in our life felt stable. We both knew something had to give. It was time for us to both start working on ourselves, creating a relationship with God and healing things that held us back from being all we knew we could be.
ALSO LISTEN TO: Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding Us: Our Journey Out of Infidelity
Turning Shadows to LightWe both knew that there was healing needed in order to allow our relationship to survive. I got my relationship with the Lord back on track, and my life completely changed. Shaun got therapy and started realizing who he actually was. We both started healing from things that caused us pain in the past. It sounds super simple, but it’s true: this healing really allowed us to come together and create the family that we have today. Through God's love, grace, and guidance, we were able to not only survive our marriage but thrive in our marriage. Our journey from DUI, deception, near-divorce, and doubt has led us to sharing our testimony with as many people as we can. We are a living witness that if God can do it for us, he can do it for you too . . . if you’re willing to surrender, forgive, repent, and let him make you new.
Listen to the full episode and share with someone who can use some encouragement in their marriage today.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeLearn the 7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage
Teen Pregnancy, Parenting, & Talking to Your Kids About Sex
How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Coaching
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5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in PrayerOne of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to pray for your marriage. Learning communication skills, conflict resolution techniques and intimacy hacks are great. However, if you’re leaving your marriage uncovered by failing to pray for your spouse and your marriage, it will always be vulnerable to attacks. Prayer is an essential guiding tool to get you and your spouse on the same page and create unity in your marriage. In today’s episode I am sharing with you about my acronym C.O.V.E.R. which teaches you how to specifically pray for your marriage.
Pray with CompassionI believe that when we are praying for our spouses, we need to start with compassion. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.” Think about that for a moment. How are you treating your spouse? Are you treating him/her with kindness and compassion, or are you holding grudges? Are you being kind? The first thing to remember when you go to pray for your marriage is to go to God with a heart of compassion and love.
Pray in OnenessMarriage is all about becoming one. The goal of marriage is not simply to become happy; the purpose of marriage is that you and your spouse become one. Did you know your marriage is a living witness of the realness of who Jesus is? Pray for your marriage that you and your spouse will walk in oneness. Get on the same page as your spouse and become unified. Let go of the idea that you need to “win the fight” or get your point across or have your own way. Start embracing the journey of becoming one with your spouse.
Pray with VigorWhen you pray for your marriage, let your prayers be vigorous. Your prayers should be full of effort, energy, and enthusiasm. Isaiah 40:29 says “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” God gives strength to the weary. He is the one who gives us power and energy to put in the effort. When you put in the love, commitment, and vigor into your marriage, God will deliver.
Pray with ExpectationI am always talking about praying with expectation. It’s time we all start to pray with expectation, not just hope for the best. When we go to the Lord, we go with a heart of expectation. God hears you when you pray and is willing to make moves on your behalf. When we go to God, we pray to God expecting that he will deliver. It’s important to pray for your marriage with with a heart of expectation and also to have faith in the answer to that prayer. Start praying for victory from a place of victory. When you pray, believe what you are praying for and watch God make himself known in the most magnificent ways.
Pray with Readiness Are you ready to obey what you hear? Prayer is a dialogue. First you pray, then you get quiet and listen to hear what God has to say back to you. Sometimes you may not like what God has to say in return. You have to be ready for the Spirit of the Lord to give you guidance that you may not want to hear. When you pray for your marriage, really listen in order to get direction. When you pray for your marriage, be ready to take action. Luke 11:28 says, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” If you want God to speak to you, then you need to be ready to obey.
Listen to the full episode to hear some specific areas I recommend that you pray for in your marriage. There is no prescribed way to pray. Simply pray from your heart and then listen to what God speaks back to you. Prayer is powerful! Now it’s time for you to get to praying.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeDownload your 7 Things Free Resource Today
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What to Do When Your Marriage or Vision DiesWhat happens when your marriage or your vision dies? What are you to do when the dream you had for your marriage seems like it has come to the end? As a married couple, you may find yourself at this difficult stage, but I believe even then, there is an opportunity to save your marriage.
Today, we're going to church! Sort of, anyway. This episode was inspired by a story in the Bible in Luke chapter 8:41- 56 about a man who thought he lost a very important thing to him . . . something that looked like it, too, had died. Friends, I want you to know that the pain and suffering you may be going through right now is not the end of your story.
Do Not Be Afraid: Have Faith over FearWhen hard times come, fear gets louder. When our marriages don’t go as expected, we allow fear to creep in and overwhelm our emotions. This fear will not help to repair the problems. Don’t be afraid of what’s on the other side. Oftentimes, when conflict and issues arise in marriage, the first thing we want to do is run. We start going down the rabbit hole of what life could look like if our marriage does truly fail. That thought process doesn’t help anything. Don’t be fearful of what could go wrong. Stand in faith, remembering the marriage and strength you’ve created thus far.
Fear will try to creep in. Fear can exist, but it’s the conscious decision to choose to walk in faith in spite of fear. The Bible says we must walk in faith, but what does it mean to have faith? Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of thing yet unseen (Hebrews 11:1). When you have faith in God and his plan, you can believe strongly that it will work out. When you are in those moments of fear overcoming every thought, return to God. Ask him for the strength you may need to believe in the plan that he has for you.
Words Have PowerWhat are you declaring in your marriage? So often we speak negatively about our lives and our marriage, resulting in those things coming to life; resulting in the death of our marriage vision. Words matter, friends. When we speak limiting beliefs out loud, that is what we will see in our life. The power of the tongue can proclaim the vision in your life. Words create worlds. Think about how you are speaking and how it has affected your life. Are you going around saying positive or negative things about your marriage? My hope for you is that you can declare what you want for your marriage. Speak in the direction that you would like to see for your own marriage. After speaking what we want, it’s important to take on full faith that the declaration spoken will come to life.
Get People Out of Your BusinessAre there people who could be bringing your marriage down? There could be outside opinions that are constantly telling you how to conduct your marriage. These outside opinions typically aren’t helping, and they could even be hurting. Turn off social media and stop comparing your relationship to other people's relationships. Quiet the noise that you are hearing from people outside of the marriage. It’s time to come together as a team and figure out the issues alone without being impacted by other people’s thoughts.
Marriage Vision Dead Just Temporary Pain? Your marriage vision might not be dead after all, but rather just going through a temporarily painful time. It may feel like it’s permanent but really it’s temporary. This too shall pass. When you have faith, you can trust that God has the power to resurrect even the deadest of marriages. Do not give up on the thing that you have worked so hard for. Have faith and believe in your marriage again. You can heal and come out stronger from the trials you are experiencing. This doesn’t have to be the end for you.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeThrive Wives Group Coaching
7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage Free Resource
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When Your Marriage Vision Gets BlurryJanuary is the time where we focus on the vision for our marriages, relationships, and lives. If we are not intentional with our marriage vision, we will experience vision loss in marriage. In today’s episode I talk about how it may be time for us to take a deep look inside of our vision statement to see if we are really practicing what we are believing for.
Do You Have a Vision?The first thing to look at is if you have a vision for your marriage. If not, refer back to the episode 126: How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage: My Step-by-Step Process. Having a vision is so important to understand where you're at, where you're going, and where you want to be. It may seem like common sense, but you could be experiencing vision loss in your marriage by simply not having a vision.
Be sure to listen to this hilarious story around the 22:30 mark!
Prioritize Your MarriageIt’s important to stop and really take a look at what is important in your marriage. Where is the place in the relationship that you think needs more nurturing? When we pause, analyze and figure out what is most important in our marriage, it allows us to really prioritize the things we want and need the most. Take a look at your vision with your partner. Understand where you are, where you want to go, and what is most important right now. Vision loss in marriage can happen if both people are not focused on what is most important.
Marriage Goals & AlignmentIt’s time you and your spouse get very clear on what your goals are together. Both partners in the relationship should be on the same page when it comes to the marriage vision. If this is not happening, vision loss in marriage can start. Come together, agree on the things you both want, and create a plan of action. Make sure that there aren’t competing visions that could make you work against each other. This is what unity in marriage is all about. When you become aligned in your marriage vision, you will see your marriage strengthen.
Tweak & Set New GoalsYour marriage vision may need to be tweaked from time to time. Maybe there were situational changes that no longer align with your original goals and vision. It’s okay to change aspects in your vision. Like most things in life, sometimes we need fine tuning to get it just right.
Maybe you and your spouse are high achievers and you are ready to work on something new. Creating new goals in marriage is a way to get clearer on your vision as a couple. Perhaps you’ve started to feel stagnant, leading to vision loss in your marriage. Get a fresh perspective and set some new goals together that you can achieve. Sometimes all we need is something fresh and new to get us going again.
Drastic Measures May Be NeededCourse correction may be needed if you feel like you are turning your wheels in the mud. Feeling stuck in your marriage calls for drastic measures. Sometimes couples may need a vision correction. I share a similar example of how I took drastic measures with my physical vision when my health become jeopardized.
It’s possible that some things may have changed when you created your original vision. Change is okay, as long as it works for both people in the relationship. Evaluate your vision, acknowledging where it’s gotten blurry, and decide on a course of action to focus on your marriage vision again.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeThrive Wives Group Coaching Starts Soon!
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How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage - My Step by Step ProcessSo you're convinced you need a vision for your marriage, but what is the step-by-step process to actually creating a vision for your marriage that both you and spouse can grasp? Get ready to nurture and grow your marriage into the one you’ve always desired. Let 2023 be the year you begin creating a marriage vision. I go through this exercise with every one of my coaching clients because of how transformative it is. This is hands down, one of my most favorite topics because of how valuable this exercise can be in your marriage. In today’s episode I teach you how to create a vision in your marriage and how to live by it.
Remove DistractionsStep one to begin creating a vision in your marriage is to get in a quiet space and remove distractions. If possible, I recommend going away for a day or two to get some focused alone time together. This will allow each of you to be removed from everyday distractions and settle into the exercise of creating your marriage vision. If that’s not possible, get some quite focused time together right where you are. This can be done in a coffee shop, a long drive, a walk around your neighborhood, or even in your undistracted bedroom. This time is about being focused together to create the vision.
Pray Together as a CoupleThere are so many benefits of praying together as a couple. When you pray, you invite God into the decision making process of your life. Step two of creating a vision in your marriage is to pray. This is time for you and your spouse to come together and ask God where you need to head in the next year. Allow him to lead you and show you his vision for your life. When you invite God into this time, he will help provide the answers for the direction you and your spouse should go in your vision.
Write the Vision, Make it PlainWhen you write something down, your brain tends to remember that thing more than if you just think about it. Step three is writing down every word that comes to mind when you think of the marriage you desire to have . Both husband and wife will start by writing down positive words about your marriage. This list should be exhaustive and helpful in creating a vision for your marriage because it gets all the ideas on paper. In writing these words, you will start to think about how you would like to shape your marriage in a more positive way. This is the part in the process where each partner can freely write whatever they desire in the marriage. Together, you should have around 25-30 words written down.
Highlight What ResonatesAfter you write down the words, you will circle or highlight the words that resonate with you and your partner the most. Step four is taking the words that you and your partner felt most connected to and bring them to life. You will then use these words to create short phrases for creating a vision in your marriage. Use the words to come up with a few solid sentences that could be used as your marriage vision statement.
Write Your Marriage Vision StatementOnce you have some phrases identified, begin to start forming some sentences. These sentences should be coming from language that you and your partner already use. You really want to embrace authenticity when it comes to creating your marriage vision. Remember, this is your vision statement together! Both husband and wife need to participate equally to feel heard and be excited about this. This is your future after all. Give yourself some time to go through this exercise. This may take a few iterations to get your vision statement to a good place, but it’s worth the time.
Repeat Your Vision Out LoudThe time has come for you and your partner to rehearse the vision statement out loud. Memorize this special sacred statement that you can return back to each day together. Each person must memorize the vision statement and continue to keep this vision in the forefront of their mind. Together as you rehearse, you will remember the importance of creating a vision in your marriage.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeEpisode 125: Why You Need a Vision for Your Marriage with Gaby Sundra
Real Relationship Talk
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Why You Need a Vision for Your Marriage - with Gaby SundraHaving a vision for your marriage is essential if you want to go the distance. Plus, a marriage vision is a helpful tool that can keep you and your spouse on the right track. Today’s guest, Gaby Sundra has created her own playbook that helps couples create a long lasting marriage that will thrive as they create a vision for their marriage. Creating a vision is about two people coming together, discussing their desires and goals, and working together to build something beautiful. In this episode, Gaby shares tools and tips on how you can start creating a vision in your marriage today.
Ownership, Compassion & CreativityWe all know marriage takes a lot of work. The magic comes in identifying the work that is helpful to making your relationship thrive. The start of creating the vision for your marriage begins with Gaby’s acronym OCC that stands for ownership, compassion, and creativity. Each person in the relationship typically has their own healing to do in order to show up as the best partner. This is what it means to take ownership of your own “stuff.” It’s also important that you own your needs and desires. Compassion starts with you giving yourself compassion and then your partner too. Gaby said, “Express compassion for their experience.” When you are able to show your partner a little compassion, it lets them know that you are there to support them. Creativity comes into play when solving issues in the marriage. Creative thinking can be used to give some options as couples work together and through the problem.
Creating a Vision for your MarriageImagine if you could create a vision for your marriage. It’s SO possible to create a blueprint of what you want your marriage to look like and create that in real life. Often times we focus on what the problem is and not what we want to happen. Creating a vision is about defining what you want the marriage to look like. When you stop focusing on the story of what you don’t want and focus on the need you want met, the vision can start to come alive. Creating a vision for your marriage is all about getting super clear on what you both desire as a couple, writing it down, and speaking it into existence. It takes work from each partner to fully embody the vision that you see for your marriage.
Human Needs in a RelationshipWhat are your needs in your relationship? Marshall Rosenberg says there are seven basic needs; Connection, Physical Well-Being, Honesty, Play, Peace, Autonomy, Meaning. Gaby said, “All conflict is, is us struggling to get our needs met. If we can get away from the story and move into the need we want to have met, that is the essence that’s trying to work through the conflict.” Rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader knowing what your needs are, tell them your needs! When we can communicate what we want, how we want it, and what we desire, it can help create that vision in your marriage.
A Marriage Vision that Honor your DesiresYour desires mean something good about you. When you can communicate what you desire in your marriage, this will help get clear on your vision for marriage. Gaby said, “The word I hear most often when couples share their visions is, ‘relief.’” This relief is created because couples can actually get on the same page of where they want their marriage to go. Honoring your desires is an act of self love and an act of love in the marriage. Two people can come together and build something so beautiful and sacred when they get clear on each of their desires, create a vision for your marriage and grow.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeGaby’s Free Playbook
Gaby Sundra’s Website
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Your Faves - Top 10 Episodes of 2022Can you believe we are already winding down 2022?! This year has been filled with so many blessings for me and this podcast. On today’s episode, I share the top 10 episodes of 2022. This year I had the opportunity to have conversations with some incredible guests that were able to bring you some of the top relationship and marriage advice!
Number 10 - The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture (episode 74)This top 10 episode of 2022 was a part of our “Shameless Sex series.” I dedicated this particular episode to my single men and women as many have remarked how “it’s rough out here in these dating streets.” Society seems obsessed with free sex. The hookup culture is alive and well, and it’s not just millennials or Gen-Zers engaging in sex on demand. In this episode, we discuss five reasons the hookup culture is no bueno and five practical steps to exit right out of it.
Listen to The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture
Number 9 - The Silent Treatment vs. Silence (episode 87)This may have been one of my top episodes of 2022 because I sometimes struggle with giving people the silent treatment. This was a part of our “Communication 101 series.” In case you didn’t know, I dedicated an entire series to the art of communication in relationships. The main takeaway from this particular episode is that there is a difference between the silent treatment and silence. Silence can actually be very good and healthy in your relationship, but the silent treatment never is.
Listen to The Silent Treatment vs. Silence
Number 8 - 7 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriages (episode 94)This episode was for my fellas. Guys, your wives have been trying to tell you that you’re destroying your marriage.. Truthfully, it’s most likely that your marriage might be falling apart in many more ways than one, but we’re talking about the big ones here. If you’re humble and open enough to receive this wisdom, it will change how you show up in your marriage. This top 10 episode of 2022 can help men correct behaviors that may be detrimental to your marriage.
Listen to 7 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriages
Number 7 - 4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart (episode 103)I know there are so many couples who are recovering from infidelity. I really wanted to create a podcast where we dive deep on giving practical relationship and advice that will help heal the broken heart. Most of us have been through this unfortunate situation at some time or another. It’s never easy mending a broken heart, but it is always possible. This top 10 episode of 2022 will give you the tools you need to start your healing.
Listen to 4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart
Number 6 - 7 Ways Women Destroy Their Marriages (episode 93)In this episode we talk about how women do things subconsciously that unintentionally destroy marriages. The good news is if you’re still married, you haven’t destroyed your marriage beyond repair. But don’t wait until divorce papers are being filed to reach out for help if you need to. As a marriage coach, I help couples who are struggling all the time. It’s never too early or too late to get help. Listen to this episode and learn seven ways women destroy their marriages.
Listen to 7 Ways Women Destroy Their Marriages
Number 5 - How Men and Women Communicate Differently (episode 90)In this episode we talk about how men and women communicate differently. Men are from Mars; women are from Venus, they said. How we communicate can differ as men and women. However, I wanted to help you take your communication skills out of this world with this episode, because no matter what society says, there are differences in the genders, especially in how they communicate. This episode has a very special guest, my husband Shaun. You don’t want to miss this one!
Listen to How Men and Women Communicate Differently
Number 4 - 7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (episode 89)Do you listen to understand or to respond? Here’s the hard truth: most of us are not good listeners even though we think we are. In this episode, you’ll learn seven tips on becoming a better listener and the art of wholehearted communication. I’m super passionate about this topic, because I see communication gone wild all.of.the.time. The good news is with a few tweaks, anyone can become a better listener and have more mutually beneficial conversations with those they care about.
Listen to 7 Tips to Become a Better Listener
Number 3 - 12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in your Relationship (episode 102)Did you know that 1 in 4 marriages will experience infidelity? The good news is half of these marriages will survive it. In this top 10 episode of 2022, I’m giving you 12 practical (but not easy) steps to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship. This is one episode you will want to refer back to should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of affair recovery. I truly believe that all is not lost when someone commits adultery. Your marriage or relationship can survive this, but you need an action plan in order to succeed.
Listen to 12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in your Relationship
Number 2 - The Female Orgasm (episode 81)This episode was extra special for the LADIES! Listen, these days, there’s a lot of faking it going on when it comes to women having orgasms. But let’s get real. My guest, intimacy expert Julie Sibert, and I are answering your questions and demystifying the important yet often overlooked female orgasm. The truth is there are many women who have never, and I do repeat, never experienced an orgasm. There are also women who “fake it til they make it.” But these situations are living below the pleasure potential that married sex provides. This top 10 episode of 2022 will teach you all about orgasms and how to get yours right.
Listen to The Female Orgasm
Number 1 - Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage (episode 73)This was the top 10 episode of 2022. Lysa TerKeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministries, recently filed for divorce from her husband, Art TerKeurst, because of repeatedly breaking their marriage vows/covenant. In a raw and real Instagram post, Lysa discretely details her thought process in ending her marriage. Sometimes enough is enough. Many Christian marriages experience infidelity, sadly, and many betrayed women, especially, don't know how to end their marriages because they've been taught to stay no matter what. You do not want to miss this episode!
Listen to Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage
THANK YOU my loyal listeners and new podcast listeners for a great year! What was your favorite episode of 2022?
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeReal Relationship Talk Youtube Channel
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5 Free Gifts Your Spouse Will Love This ChristmasChristmas is such a beautiful time of the year. It’s a season a giving; a time to come together, spend quality time with those you love, and enjoy each other's presence and presents. But some might not be into presents or able to afford them. So, in this episode, I share five free Christmas gifts that your spouse will love this season. Gift giving doesn’t always need to be focused around monetary gifts. Sometimes a thoughtful, free gift can make Christmas time extra special.
The Gift of Passion in MarriagePassion is the number one free Christmas gift you can give to your spouse this holiday season. I want you to think about what passion looks like in your marriage. Where does your marriage need a fresh dose of passion? Passion is creating excitement and igniting interest in your partner and your marriage. Find a place where you can insert more passion into the relationship to create a spark of joy this holiday season.
The Gift of TouchThere is a statistic that says if a baby is not touched within the first seven days of being born, he or she could die. Touch is so integral to relationships. It literally is so necessary. If you are in a marriage and you only touch during sex, that is a problem! This kind of touch could be a gentle massage, a tight embrace, or brushing your hand on your partner's shoulder. Touch is a free Christmas gift that will help bring you and your spouse closer together. Hugging and other forms of touching triggers your brain to release the chemical of oxytocin, which is known as the “bonding hormone”. This simple and free Christmas gift could bring you and your spouse closer together in a matter of seconds.
The Gift of Decision-MakingSometimes spouses who are more laid back spouse have problems making decisions. If they do make decisions, they are extensively cross-examined as to if their decision was the right one. Give your spouse the free Christmas gift of decisions and preferences. Instead of you always creating and implementing the plans, give your spouse the opportunity to choose. This will give your spouse the space to choose something that they prefer to do this holiday season. It’s such a gift when you say to them, “I care about what you care about, and your voice matters.”
The Gift of AffirmationsMost people love to get compliments. How can you affirm your spouse this Christmas season? I think words of affirmations should be part of your daily rhythm in your relationships. Most of us are so hard on ourselves, so when you have someone who tells you how great you are, it feels really good. One of the best free Christmas gifts you can give this season is the gift of affirmation. You can show gratitude, express appreciation, and tell them how much you love them. When you fill your partner's cup with affirmations, you will see a change in your spouse and in your marriage.
The Gift of PeaceJohn 14:27 says “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives do I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Peace is an inner knowing that all is well. There is a peace that you can give to your spouse that no one can take away. This holiday season you can set aside your differences and give your spouse the free Christmas gift of peace. Bring peace to conversations that normally may be stressful. Peace starts with YOU. Fill yourself with gratitude and love and pass peace along to your partner to create a nurturing atmosphere this season.
ALSO LISTEN TO: A Very Sexy C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S
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The Dating Playbook for Christian Singles - with Kait TomlinIf you’ve been feeling a little lost in the dating scene, this episode will provide you with the Christian dating playbook you’ve been seeking. Kait Tomlin is a dating expert, author, wife, and Christian follower who has turned her pitfalls into passion through forming her own Christian dating playbook. Kait has had her fair share of dating tragedies that she learned to turn into her purpose. Her mission is to help other Christian singles find the love that they so ever desire. Through her work, she teaches individuals to date with integrity while being open to receiving the gifts that God may reveal.
The Hookup CultureOver the last 100 years, the dating culture has changed significantly. With emerging technology, negative impacts from media, and decision fatigue, it surprisingly makes it more difficult to find that special person for you. The dating norm has gone from courting a lady, to finding someone at the bar and hooking up. This cannot be the right path, people! This is not the best way to do it. Kait said, “Media has really infiltrated how we view relationships, dating, connection, and the process to get there.” The Christian dating playbook can teach you to step outside of what you see in the media, and lead from the love of God to find your person.
Finding a Good Christian HusbandMany Christian women find it so hard to find a good Christian man. Kait said, “The reality is that they [men] are not everywhere, but you have to be open that they do exist.” If you allow the bad guys out there to dictate that all men are like that, you will totally miss the good ones. A key piece in the Christian dating playbook is to date the unexpected. We have a giant list of preferences that could be holding us back from finding our perfect person. The key here is to remain open. Preferences often become non-negotiables which can seriously limit the dating pool. When you shift your perspective and focus on core character qualities, rather than preferences, you will see more potential possibilities in dating.
Rejection Is RedirectionKait had to go through the struggle herself, to birth The Heart of Dating. Through her rejection, she was able to discover her purpose to help singles find the true love of their life and in themselves. When Kait was blindsided by her ex no longer wanting to marry her, she was shattered. It forced her on a journey to rediscover who she was along with her identity as a Christian woman. When rejection hits, it allows us to go within and ask ourselves deep questions about ourselves. Rejection is part of the equation. It’s possible to feel rejection, but also feel loved and worthy at the same time.
The Dating Playbook But First Single and ContentThe narrative has always been so focused on getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after. That scenario is not always the case for everyone. It’s important to remain content in your singleness and enjoying the gifts that it brings. There is such beauty in spending time alone, learning about yourself, and growing into the best version of you. Remembering that single is a season of your life that is all about you. When we see this time as a gift, it allows us to appreciate what we have. The Christian dating playbook teaches you to also enjoy your singleness, while you prepare for the person God has for you.
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeThank You For Rejecting Me
Heart of Dating
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Raising Culturally-Conscious Christian Kids in a Chaotic Culture - with Catherine SegarsHave you and your spouse ever disagreed about how to raise your kids? Disagreements about parenting can wreak havoc on a marriage. Further, raising Christian kids is no small feat. Today, our guest is Catherine Segars, an author, podcaster, speaker, and motherhood apologist who helps parents be a godly example for their children. In our conversation, we discussed the wild ride it is to be a parent. Culture can cause challenges when it comes to raising Christian kids. Catherine provides guidance on how to equip children with a tool belt to help then navigate, make decisions, and grow in a faith that they can call their own.
The Importance of Unity in ParentingYou’d think that every Christian would want to raise Christian kids, but that is not always the case. When husbands and wives aren’t in sync with the way they parent their kids, it can cause friction in the marriage and family dynamics. Catherine said, “You gotta be united. Kids will sense weakness very quickly.” It’s not always easy for parents to be on a united front when it comes to parenting, but Catherine says this is extremely important to reach the end goal of raising Christian kids. When parents are in sync and on the same page, they will have more success behind raising children that stay in faith.
Words Matter When Raising Christian KidsCatherine believes in helping children create awareness around the terms they use and the biblical truth behind those words. So often in culture, words are modified and changed based on the culture’s beliefs at the time. As cultures continue to develop, terms and definitions are skewed subjectively based on the person speaking about the term. Catherine says when raising Christian kids, it’s important that children are taught to be active truth-seekers and challenge the definitions that are being reformed in society. Challenging definitions of truth allows us to make sure we have accurate definitions of words that are consistent with reality and biblical truth.
Allow Kids to Question EverythingAs a parent, you have got to be on your toes in this day and age. Society and culture are trying to teach kids not how to think but what to think. True education is teaching kids how to process information and arrive at a truthful conclusion. We can teach our kids how to look at an issue from all sides, and to figure out the truth of that. It’s important that children have the chance to think and question for themselves in order to arrive at their own conclusion. Parents remember, this is healthy behavior when raising Christian kids.
Challenge Labels in CultureWe need to start challenging labels in culture and society. Culture labels people and discards them. God does not. If you stand up for truth, you are going to get labeled. Catherine repeating what Jesus taught, said, “The enemy is the father of lies.” We need to have the expectation that we will be labeled if we are standing for biblical truth. As we are raising Christian kids to be resilient and courageous, it’s very possible that it may happen to us. This doesn’t mean we have to put labels on other people. We need to have that expectation we will be labeled, we may get discarded, but we will not operate that way. We can’t operate by the world's standard; we operate by our God’s standards of helping and serving people. It’s key to remember that we, as parents must always lead by example when raising Christian kids. This is how we walk the talk and help our kids to become leaders who love God and love people in a chaotic world.
YOU'VE GOT TO ALSO HEAR THIS: Episode 8 - Teen Pregnancy, Parenting, and Talking to Your Kids About Sex - with My Mom, Paula Wynn
Links Mentioned in this EpisodeCatherine Segars Website
Christian Parent, Crazy World Podcast
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How the Enneagram Can Improve Your Marriage - with Christa Hardin The Enneagram, a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions, can tell us a lot about ourselves. Even better, when you pair the Enneagram and marriage, you can learn deeply about your relationship.
The Enneagram is a 9-type personality test where you score 1 through 10. Once you figure out what type you are, you can better understand your struggles and your strengths. Christa Hardin, our guest today, is no stranger to the Enneagram. She is a relationship coach whose specialty is the Enneagram and marriage. She works with her clients to nourish their relationships by understanding the Enneagram and using it to their advantage.
Understanding the Enneagram Types As stated, there are 9 types on the Enneagram scale. You can take an Enneagram personality test to better understand the weaknesses and strengths of your personality. Sometimes we get caught up with our weaknesses, but the Enneagram helps us to realize that sometimes our “shadow parts” (the unhealthy side of our personality) can actually guide us toward healthier interactions. Enneagram and marriage compatibility is something you can learn and grow from once you understand the meaning behind some of the things your partner does. When you find that you can work together, rather than against each other, that’s the sweet spot. Enneagram within marriage can help spouses to reveal more of the truth in themselves and create a better understanding of each other.
Compatibility in the Enneagram Some people wonder if they should search for someone on the Enneagram who is compatible with their Enneagram type. While it could be helpful, it’s not necessary. Christa says, “Often love finds us in the sense of opposites, and the polarity is what brings us together.” Sometimes love meets you in a way you never expected. Be aware that every type has a different gift. The combinations of those gifts are endless.
It is far better to have a good commitment and partnership with someone than to find a good match on the Enneagram scale. Learning about the Enneagram and marriage can help guide you closer to your partner and create a more loving, nurturing relationship.
My Partner Doesn’t Believe in the Enneagram What if you’re “sold” on the Enneagram, but your partner isn’t? The best way to change someone's mind about something is to lead by example, Christa reminds us. If you want your partner to understand the value that the Enneagram understanding brings to your life, you have to pave the way to understanding. No one ever said learning about the Enneagram and marriage is fool-proof. However, when you show how the Enneagram has created guidance and light in your life, it will become contagious. When your partner sees you maturing and growing, they will want to jump on board. When you find clarity in your life from the Enneagram tool, you can also help others better create understanding for their own life.
Listen to: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage
Self-Compassion and Growth Self-compassion is the first step to owning your emotions and overcoming your shadow side. Allowing yourself to explore all the facets of your personality is a great way to recognize where you are and where you want to be.
By being open to learning about Enneagram and marriage, you can have a new perspective on how you see yourself and your struggles. It opens your mind to new possibilities of seeing yourself and your life. When we learn to work with our wounds, it allows us to grow and help people along the way. When we take time to work on healing, it will benefit us in our relationships. Be sure to listen to the full episode and learn all about how the Enneagram can help you in your marriage!
Links Mentioned in this Episode Enneagram and Marriage: Christa’s Website
The Road Back To You: One of the greatest books on the Enneagram
Take the Enneagram Test by Truity
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Finding Financial Peace in Your Marriage - with Austin Black I had the wonderful privilege to have a conversation with Austin Black, who is a Ramsey Solutions Master Financial Coach. In this episode, we talk about how families can create financial peace even when times are hard. Austin teaches financial management and helps couples to see how money affects nearly every aspect of their lives. He uses his skills to teach people that you can win with money in life and marriage to achieve financial independence.
Dave Ramsey’s 8 Baby Steps In order to help his clients achieve financial peace, Austin helps people learn the eight steps to achieve true financial freedom. This eight-step process helps guide people in learning about money, creating smart financial decisions, and planning for the future. The steps used on his clients are meant to guide them to use money as a tool, not a burden. Before jumping into the eight steps, Austin believes that there needs to be a strong financial vision in place before starting the work to achieve financial peace.
Create Your Vision for Financial Transformation It can be overwhelming and daunting when you decide to take a hold of your power and get serious about your money. Austin believes that before you begin to make changes you must identify your vision, create a plan to accomplish the vision and then manage your behavior to make that plan happen. It takes a deep knowing that you are ready to commit to big change. When couples can, together, get aligned with a shared financial vision, that’s where the magic happens. With big change comes big reward. Creating financial peace doesn’t come easy, but it is possible. Regardless of how fast you want to go, you must have the desire to get to the place you want to be. “You gotta start with the desire, that’s where everything begins,” Austin advised.
Effective Money Conversations In Marriage Couples often need help when it comes to communicating around finances. At times, couples will find themselves running into issues when it comes to being in agreement about their budget. The budget, however, will not solve anything if the communication is not there in a marriage. Austin said, “We gotta figure out how you guys can talk to each other without arguing, while being able to understand each other and respect each other.” A lot of times, couples have the same goals around money but the communication barrier gets in the way of them achieving true financial peace. Austin brings his clients back to the basics by learning to communicate clearly around their money needs and goals.
Finding Your Financial Balance in Marriage The core essence in marriages when it comes to finances is his belief that women are the natural savers and men aren’t as worried about saving. Women have the need for security, stability and insurance through finances. It’s so important to understand both sides of the masculine and feminine dynamics in a marriage when it comes to finances because it gives clarity on how to move together better. When partners can understand their strengths and see they are on the same team, it can help achieve financial peace. It takes work in communicating and understanding strengths that each partner can bring to the financial table. When couples can remember that they are on the financial journey together, they will be on the right path.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Freedom Money Coach
Heart of Money Podcast
Start with Why by Simon Sinek
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Love Never Fails (Love Is... Series) This is the final episode in our love is series on how to love unconditionally . . . a love that never fails.
I am fresh off of a world-class trip all the way across the world to Tanzania, East Africa, and if this is maybe your first time listening to the podcast, maybe you didn't know that I was away for so long. Well, of course I have to update you on all the wonderful things that happen on that trip and maybe I'll do a bonus episode just to kind of give you guys, those of you who want to know all about the trip, I'll be able to share with you some really great details.
It was really a great time. There were so many things that God did in and through our team. Just some things I just don't even have words for yet. I'm still processing, I'm still thinking on what I experienced and what I was able to be a part of as I led this team. It was incredible, you all, it was incredible. One of the things though that I think I was so struck with was these people's hunger and thirst for God.
So what we are here for today, you guys, is to talk about our conclusion to the Love Is series. I'm so sad. I'm like, oh my gosh, this series has been so amazing. I have promoted the Love Is workbook. And if you don't have your copy, please go to http://realrelationship.com/loveis and get your copy today. This is the last time that we'll talk about the workbook
Love Never Fails But People Do Okay, on to our topic: Love never fails. Think about that statement, love never fails. So if you have been in a relationship with someone who has failed you, or maybe you have failed someone, then the question is, was it love that failed or was it you or that person that may have fallen in your expression of love? You see, I believe that when we look at what the Bible teaches about love, the Bible says God is love. And even for those who are not Christians, even for those who do not consider themselves to be believers, that scripture is pretty common. God is love. That means that at the core of who God is, that yes, God is good, and yes, God is powerful, and yes, God is holy, and yes, God is amazing. But at the core of who he is, he is love. He is the very essence of love. And so to know God is to know love. And to not know God is to not know love. As a matter of fact, it says in I John, chapter four, “the one who does not love does not know God because God is love.” So if you're a person and your love is very fickle, your love is conditional. You choose who you're going to love, when you're going to love, how you're going to love, how much you're going to love. Well, this scripture says, my friend, that you don't know God.
God's love isn't fickle. His love isn't inconsistent. His love doesn't have conditions. As a matter of fact, it can be intimidating sometimes when we think about God's love, because we can't live like Him. We're not God. We're not perfect. But you know what we can do? We can choose to love in ways that are like Him. We can choose to love people who don't always love us in return. We could choose to love people who will never be able to give us anything in return. Why did I go to Tanzania? Was it because I wanted these people to give me something that I needed, whether it be finances or affirmations or accolades? No, I didn't want or expect anything from them. I simply went because I believe that God called me to go and because I wanted to just give them everything I had, anything that I had. That is what it means to love.
Unfailing Love Changes Us and the World Think about a good parent who loves their baby. That baby can't do anything for you. As a matter of fact, that baby is going to keep you up at night. It's going to cry and scream when you need to go to work in the morning. It's going to refuse milk when you know that that is what the baby wants. I mean, the baby can't give you anything. The baby is not loving you. But because you love that child unconditionally, you will keep showing up night after night after night. You will keep trying to soothe that child. You will keep trying to provide for that child's needs because you love him or her.
I wonder what the world would look like if we all showed up like that in our relationships, where we weren't loving people to get something from them, but we were just simply showing up to love them because we understood that love never fails. You see, our love shouldn't wax and wane. Our love should be consistent. We shouldn't love people based on their performance. I will love you until die. None of us ever gets married and says that in our marriage vows, right? None of us gets married and says, I will love you until . . . Love doesn't depend on the performance of the one to whom it's given. Meaning, if you're going to love somebody, love them, regardless of what they can do for you. It isn't about how well they perform, how they float your boat, how they meet your needs, how they love you in return. If those qualifiers are present, my friend, your love is conditional and it will not last.
We have to become a people who truly learn how to love people, regardless of who they are, what they're doing, what they're not doing, how they're meeting our needs or not. It's easy for us to love people who are good to us. It's easy for us to love people who are kind to us, who show up for us, who are encouraging us, who support us, right? Who have our best interests at heart. It's easy to love folks like that.
How to Love the Unloveables But what about the people who don't show up for you? What about the people who don't encourage you? What about the people who don't even receive the love that you're trying to give to them? Or who are ungrateful? That stuff hurts, you guys. And I'm not brushing it aside and saying, well, just get over it and just love him anyway. No. Like, it hurts and we have to take a minute sometimes to be like, whoa, that's not what I expected here. But then what are you going to do? Are you going to let your love be conditional because their love is conditional?
Are you going to let your love be inconsistent because their love is inconsistent? Or are you going to show up and say, you know what? I'm going to choose to love you regardless of your performance. You see, I believe that we can't truly love without having the experience of God's love, not just the understanding of it, because a lot of us know in our minds that God is love and he's loving and he's kind and he's all of that. But so many of us have not experienced the love of God. We have not experienced it for ourselves. And so because we haven't experienced it, we can't give it. We still see God as this scary guy who as long as we're doing good, we're in his good graces. But the moment that we mess up, he wants to kind of kick us to the curb.
Think about like a two year-old that knows that his parents love him regardless of what he does. So he can hit, he can bite, he can have a tantrum, he can do whatever he's going to do. But at the end of the day, when he's afraid, he runs into his mommy and daddy's room because he knows that's the place of his protection. That's how God wants us to see Him. Not as some scary God who's judging us for all the things that we're doing. Because if you have that viewpoint of God, then you're never going to draw near to Him. You're always going to stay away. I preached about this when I was in Tanzania, and I'm not going to get into it now because hello, bonus episode. But I will tell you this. If you've not experienced God's love, you're not going to be able to give God's love to people, and you're not going to be able to receive love from other people. You will always be a little bit suspicious. When people love you deeply, you'll always think, what do they want? They have something in mind. What's the catch? But people who are loved well love well. And people who are loved well know how to be loved well.
Unconditional Love Heals Broken Hearts If you are someone who you've been in relationships that have been unhealthy, that have been toxic, that have been inconsistent, maybe you've been betrayed, you've had your heart broken. My prayer for you, my friend, is that you would experience the healing power of God's love so that you can not only be a person of love, but so that you can also receive real love when it comes your Way. You see, I believe that when God is the source of your love and again, I'm not talking about just having an understanding of his love, but I'm talking about when he's truly the source of your love. And when you have that experiential knowledge and depth of his love, it will fuel you to love other people. That's the kind of love that doesn't fail. This is how you can still love people when they abuse you, misuse you, or even try to hurt you. Now.
There is a difference between loving somebody and being in proximity with that person. I've talked about this on other episodes. A lot of times I'll say there's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive someone and not be reconciled to them in a physical relationship. The same is true with love. You can love someone and not be in close proximity to that person. Maybe that person is not a safe person. Maybe that person is not someone that can be trusted. And so, therefore, you cannot be in proximity to them, but you can still keep your love on toward them.
Keep Your Love On Danny Silk wrote a book several years ago called Keep Your Love On. And he, likens love to a faucet. And he says that it is up to us whether we're going to turn the faucet on keeping our love on or whether we're going to turn the faucet off turning our love off. And that simple little analogy. You all was such an eye opener for me because I realized that in my relationships, I would turn the faucet on and off, depending on how the other person was acting. So if you were treating me good oh, man. We're going to have a full faucet here. Full of water pressure. I was going to turn my love on. I was going to go through all the hoops and the bells and the whistles, but the moment that that person started to treat me anything less than what I felt like I should be treated, off went the spigot. And I turned my love off. And I got to a point.
Going through that study with a group of married couples, Shaun and I leading these groups of married couples, I realized I don't want my love to be like that. That's easy love that's cheap love I wanted my love to remain on even when people were inconsistent with me. And y'all, I am challenged in this every single day, just like you are. And sometimes I fail the test and sometimes I pass. My goal isn't perfection. My goal is to choose to show up for people, regardless if they're showing up for me or not. My goal is to have a love that does not fail. A love that sands the test of time. A love that when people when I'm done loving these people, that they can look back and say, you know what? I didn't always treat Dana the way that she deserved to be treated. But she loved me, didn't she?
The Bible says that God is kind to the ungrateful. I've said that many times on the show, and it's true. And when we have that understanding of who God is and how he shows up for us, even though we don't always show up for Him, it humbles you. I know it humbles me because I can't give God a list of all of my accolades and all the wonderful things that I've always done. No, it's quite the opposite, actually, where I have a list of my flaws and my faults, and I'm like, God, why do you still love me? Why do you still bless me? Why do you still give me these incredible opportunities? Why do you give me influence? Why do you trust me? And he's like, because I love you. It's not because you're the greatest. It's not because you're the smartest. It's not because I couldn't choose anybody else. There's nobody else available. I just love you. It's just as simple as that.
You Have to Experience Love to Give Love Some of you have never experienced God's love. You show up on this podcast. You listen to all these other podcasts. You're trying to figure out how to make your relationships work, and it's not working because you haven't experienced God's love. Can I encourage you to start there? If you don't have a relationship with God, would today be the day that you open your heart to Him and you say, god, there's a lot of junk in my heart. There's a lot of bad teaching, maybe philosophies that I believe that have gone against what I believe now about who you are. Don't worry about all that. God will clean all that stuff up. The only thing that he needs from you is a willing heart to invite Him in and to surrender your life to Him. And when you do that, he will show you things that you never could have imagined. Your relationships that have been struggling, some of y'all going around the same old Melbury tree for ten years, you will not have that struggle any longer. Once you get a taste of God's love for you, once you allow Him to love your spouse, your partner through you. You see, that's what I realized. That for me, when it was very difficult for me to love Shaun, it was because I was trying to love him the "Dana way." Well, the Dana way doesn't work, okay? I had to learn how to love him the God away. I had to learn how to go first, how to initiate some things, how to say I'm sorry, even though I needed an apology. I had to learn how to lay my life down and lay my desires down and stop keeping score and stop thinking about all of my needs that were not being met. I had to learn how to love the God way.
And I will tell you something that when I learned how to love the God way and I'm still working on it, you all, I am not an expert here. I am not on a high horse. But when I learned the difference, it made all the difference. People always ask us, what changed in your relationship? What was the thing that took you guys from this horrible adulterous relationship to where you are today? And Shaun and I have both tried to think of, like, a real quick response and answer something that sounds like profound, but the truth is, you all, we just decided to do things God's way. That's it. We just decided to stop trying to do things our own way because our way wasn't working. And maybe you're looking at the shards of your relationship and you're starting to have an understanding of revelation that your way isn't working. Listen, friend, there's no shame in that. Don't feel bad or guilty about that. Praise God, you've seen the lights. Now the question is, what are you going to do about it?
Are you going to keep on trying to love in your own conditional, inconsistent way, tit for tat? Or are you going to choose this love that never fails, this love that doesn't end, this love that isn't based on conditions or performance, that's the love that never fails. That's the love that we're after. And every episode that you're going to hear on the Real Relationship Talk podcast is going to be talking about that kind of love. Am I not going to talk about things that you need to do and tips and tricks that you need in your relationship? Absolutely. Because we all need that. But the tips and the tricks and the tools only work if you have first surrendered to unconditional love. That never fails. That's the only way it works. You all, you can keep on trying to do this in your own strength. You can keep on putting the bandaid on, you can keep on going from one relationship to the next to the next to the next. Think that's the next person. That's going to be the magic pill. But at some point, you're going to have to come face to face with, am I going to receive this love that God has for me? Am I going to first receive it for myself? And then, am I going to give it to those people that God has placed in my life? When you do that, everything's going to change for you. Maybe you have an incredible relationship, an incredible marriage. Keep it up.
Don't Allow Your Love to Fail Don't let your love wax and wane. Don't let it fail, y'all. We're going to go through seasons in our lives and seasons and relationships. Relationships have seasons. You're not always going to be up. There are hills and there are valleys, but when you go through the valley, you have to keep your love on. As hard as it is, I'm still tempted to turn my love off because it's a protection, it's a self-preservation mechanism. That's what it is. So when we turn our love off, we feel like we're protecting ourselves from getting hurt. But the truth of the matter is we're actually just closing ourselves off. It doesn't protect us at all because we still get hurt and then we become bitter. And then that bitterness leads to resentment, and resentment left undetected and unhealed, turns into hatred, which is absolutely the opposite of what we're going for here. One of my favorite scriptures is out of Romans 8:38, 39, “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.”
Being a Christian isn't about belonging to a specific church or a denomination or wearing dresses or home schooling your children. That's not what being a Christian is all about. Being a Christian is about experiencing and surrendering to the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, that he gave his very life for you, that he died a cruel, cruel death so that you wouldn't have to. And it's just simply saying, I receive that love now. I want to give that love. I want to be conformed into your image. I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to be like you God. That's what being a Christian is. And I'm sorry for the many Christians who have messed it up and who have treated people way less than what God would ever treat someone as who have given the word Christian a bad reputation and a bad name. But I want to tell you something. Don't judge God by his children, okay? Because some of them are illegitimate anyway, but even the legitimate ones who get it wrong, don't judge God by them. That's not who he is. When you experience his love, you'll know, and you'll be forever changed and so will your relationships.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE How to Forgive Someone Who's Hurt You
Keep Your Love On Book by Danny Silk
The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
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Love Rejoices with the Truth (Love Is... Series) We are talking about truth today, but many people want to know what truth is. Love rejoices with truth. I’m here to tell you first hand that understanding the truth can be difficult, especially when it comes to the truth about love. Truth affects our marriages and relationships, but I believe that it also affects every other aspect of our lives. We can discover truth from the word of God by listening, reading, and understanding what God’s heart is for us. In today’s episode, we dive into what truth really is, what may be preventing you from seeing the truth, and how to live a life full of truth and love.
What is Real Truth? 1 Corinthians 13:6-7 says, “Love rejoices with truth.” That is a very simple, yet complicated scripture. Love rejoices with truth, but what is truth? Truth is not something that we get to create based on our culture, experiences, or preferences. Truth is a matter of fact. There are some things that are true, and some things that are not. God is the author of truth and the Source of love. It is possible to have truth and love at the same time, although sometimes, the truth can hurt. In your relationships, you can speak truth and also be speaking love.
Sometimes in relationships, your partner could be saying something that's true, but due to your own personal wounds, it could cause hurt. Your friends, family, and partner may want to express truth to you, not to embarrass or criticize, but to show you they truly love you and they care. You have to accept and expect for people close to you to want to express the truth and about you and welcome it with love.
The Truth Sometimes Hurts Do you remember a time when someone told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to believe? You may have felt a knee jerk reaction to be upset or deny what they said. Sometimes the truth about ourselves can trigger us because we don’t want to seem like flawed individuals. People who love us and have the best intentions for us will speak truth in a loving way for our growth as humans. Love rejoices in truth. When you find people in your life who are willing to step out there to tell you the truth by God's grace, that's love. It is helpful to surround yourself with people who will speak the truth to you in love. People that love you will help guide the way. It doesn’t always feel good, but sometimes things need to be said. It’s our personal job to not take truth as criticism, but to hear truth as is it. It sometimes can feel like tough love, but at the end of the day, it’s love.
Speak the Truth in Relationships . . . in Love Healthy relationships are not relationships that avoid conflict. Healthy relationships are measured by how quickly you recover from conflict. When you think of your relationship, do you feel conflict consumes the majority of your relationships? If you answered yes to that question, you may need to look at how truthful and loving you and your partner are being.
Healthy relationship are ones where love rejoices with truth. It’s about being grateful to your partner for having the ability to be truthful to you about things and accepting you for who you truly are. Hopefully, you can have a relationship where you both recognize the truth about one another, imperfections and all, and still stand by each other. It can be challenging to speak the honest truth in relationships, but sometimes partners need to hear it. We all have blindspots that we don’t see about ourselves, but our partners love us enough to speak up and communicate things that we may not see about ourselves.
Links Mentioned in this Episode 5 Guidelines to Speaking the Truth in Love
7 Tips to Become a Better Listener
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Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs Friends, love is not easy. We are all flawed humans and mess up from time to time. The truth is, love doesn’t keep score. Why do we keep records of wrong doings? Sometimes, it can be a form of protecting ourselves. In today’s episode, I had the honor of speaking to Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs. Dr. Tibbs is the senior pastor at Kingdom Dominion Church in Georgia. Today we talk about how we can let love win, start forgiving, all the while letting go of keeping score.
Stop Holding Anger and Forgive We often hold on to bitterness, resentment and anger while trying to keep score in relationships. This is no way to love our partners. Again, love doesn’t keep score. We are conditioned, as humans, to hold on to anger. This learned behavior closes us off to fully love our partners the way God intended us to love them. When we hold in anger, it can build up, causing more tension and pain in the relationship. It is so important for couples in relationships to be able to communicate freely and let their partner in when something may be bothering them. When we stop our anger from building up, we allow our partners to get closer to understanding where our real pain may be stemming from. When we step out of anger and begin to forgive quickly, it allows us to move through the healing process more efficiently.
Stop Keeping Score So many people are operating relationships in autopilot. When we wake up and realize we are doing something wrong, we need to also give grace to our partner and give space to forgive. Each partner needs their own time to heal. When an issue arises in a relationship, it can be difficult to move on when one partner continues to keep score. Couples need to realize that they are on the same team. Some couples feel that keeping score allows them to have justice for the wrongdoings. They use justification for the way they may treat their partner because they feel like they have one up on them, but love doesn’t keep record of wrongs. Sacrifice is needed in every single relationship. When you are able to love your partner in their imperfections, you can give them grace and love for the mistakes that they make.
Serve Your Spouse Without Expectations Couples can transform their relationships by serving each other to the best of their abilities. When you let go of the need to receive and simply give love freely, you will see the blessings unfold. Each partner who gives their love without expectations will nourish something beautiful in their relationship. Dr. Tibbs said each partner should ask themselves, “Why am I here?” When partners realize that they are here to serve God as well as their spouse, they can fully understand their purpose. When couples can slow down in the relationship and understand where the resistance is coming from, it can give them direction on where to go. When you seek God in the pursuit of your relationship, love keeps no record of wrongs.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Calvin Tibbs Inc: Dr. Tibbs’s Website and Coaching
A Man Made For Marriage: Dr. Tibbs’s Book
The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
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Love Is Not Easily Angered (Love Is... Series) Are you someone who is easily angered? Or, maybe, you are in a relationship with someone who is. Either way, this episode is going to be very beneficial for you. Today we are talking about the damages of anger in relationships and how anger, a natural emotion, can sometimes get the best of us. I know it can be a very difficult thing to deal with someone who is always angry.
Love is not easily angered. If we are going to be people of love, we are going to be people who need to address our anger issues. Struggling with anger in marriages and relationships can be very shameful at times, so it’s important to understand why we get angry. What is anger? Can anger ever be beneficial? If so, how?
Anger is a Cover-Up Anger is always a secondary emotion. When you get angry, what is the first emotion you feel? For me, it’s usually fear or feeling out of control. Anger is often triggered when you are feeling emotions of disrespect. This can often show up in families when you ask your children to do something and they don’t listen. When feelings of anger arise in you, it is possible to slow down and try to understand where that emotion is coming from. Instead of jumping to anger and lashing out, you can choose to slow down and recognize that maybe you are feeling hurt or upset.
Angry outbursts are a true sign that there is some healing that needs to be done. Anger is a light that shows you that you need to start owning your own true emotions and communicating your needs. Ask yourself What is this anger covering up? What am I really feeling? Then deal with those emotions.
Be Slow to Anger James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Oftentimes when we lash out in anger, we aren’t listening for the other person's perspective. When we lash out in anger, our mouths are running faster than our brains can catch up. This is why when we are angry, we often say things we don’t mean.
When you are slow to speak, it will keep you from saying things in anger that you don’t mean. We are all going to experience anger at times, but it’s our choice to choose what we do with that anger. We get to choose if we are going to lash out or exercise self control. We get to choose if we are going to blame others for the way we feel, or reflect on our of actions and how we may be affecting the situation.
A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath I used to really struggle with anger. When I would get in my angry outbursts, the worst thing someone could do was to lash back. Typically, when you meet an angry person with the same energy, it will build the tension and anger in the air. The Bible says, in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” This doesn’t mean that you diminish yourself or allow people to abuse you. When you answer someone with a soft answer, and they are angry, it can be disorienting. Because when someone is in a volatile state, raging, and angry, and someone responds in a genuine, soft, respectful way, it’s almost discombobulating for the angry person. This can ease the tension and de-escalate the situation.
Healing from Anger It’s easy to be angry, it’s much harder to say how you feel. We do not have to be controlled by anger. Anger doesn’t have to define who you are. Anger doesn't have to be something that you live in shame with for the rest of your life. The best thing I’ve done in my life is to expose the things I’ve struggled with. By bringing to light the pain that anger caused in my life, and taking responsibility for my actions without blaming anyone else, I was able to heal from anger and learn new ways to deal with my emotions. And, so can you, friend.
Other Helpful Resources How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse
Control Anger Before It Controls You
Connect with Me on Instagram @mrsdanache or @realrelationshiptalk .
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Love is Not Demanding (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. Mike Frazier We have a lot to learn about love. One key aspect is love is not demanding. Most relationship and marriage advice focuses on how women can make their relationships better but today it's about the men. I talk to Mike Frazier about how men can show up better in their relationships. Mike Frazier, M.D., is the founder of Strong Men Strong Marriages. He is a licensed psychologist and marriage coach dedicated to helping couples achieve the relationships they want and deserve.
Give Without Expectations We can often get caught up in competition when it comes to marriage and relationships. Sometimes, partners enter into a cycle where they think I did this for you, now you owe me something back. Mike says, “I call it the mosquito mentality , because you're trying to suck off the attention and approval of your partner.” Typically, individuals will serve their partner in the beginning of the relationship and do the things their spouse or partner wants, but eventually a partner will want something back for their “service.” Often, in marriage, couples begin to keep score and wait for their partner to return favors in order to provide them with more.
Mike shares most guys have the same basic expectations: attention, affection, appreciation, and sex. Ladies, take note. Typically, a man will love you in order to receive these things in return. While that’s not wrong, love is not demanding, so what happens when those expectations are not fulfilled?
Becoming More Attractive in Your Marriage As time goes on, the spark can fade and the attraction can die down in a marriage. That doesn’t have to be the road you go down if you desire a marriage and relationship full of passion, attraction, and love. Typically this determent in attraction comes from a wife not getting her needs met and/or a husband feeling resentful. When resentment and negative thoughts and feelings arise in a partner, it’s important couples come together and communicate.
Mike said, “It’s about generating feeling states and intentions that are attractive. Really trying to live in the fruits of the spirit. Love, patience, peace, self control.” When partners can learn to switch their thoughts and feelings and find gratitude and love for their partner, the attraction will again become ignited. It’s also important that each person in the relationship is able to look at themselves and see how they view themselves. If you think negative thoughts about yourself, it’s possible that you will project that onto your partner as well which is not attractive.
Just Ask for What You Want Resentment can come from men not getting what they want in their marriage or relationship. But in order to get what they want, they must ask. For men, asking what they want can be difficult. Mike said that there are three things that get in the way of men asking for what they want. The first thing being that men aren’t clear on what they want. Sometimes men in relationships desire something but they aren’t exactly sure what that is or how to receive it. They also are often afraid they are going to get turned down (fear of rejection). This can be one of the preventing factors for men asking what they want, because if they risk being vulnerable, and being turned down, that can hurt them. Lastly, men sometimes don’t ask for what they want because they are trying to control their partner's emotions. Because they don’t want to inconvenience their partner, they beat around the bush and don’t just straight communicate what their need is and where they may need support.
But First Get Clear on What You Want In many marriages and relationships, one partner may want something from their partner and use different tactics and situations to force their partner into doing something they want. This is a form of manipulation that couples use to get what they want. They are looking for an outcome, but aren’t actually getting to the root of the need. The first thing that they should do is get clear on what they really want.
Simply communicate what you want and give the reason why you want that thing. This allows your partner to understand why that thing may be so important to you. Mike says, “When you give a reason for your request, there’s something about it that makes us more likely to want to do it for the other person.” This is an exercise for both partners because the person asking must get clear on what they want and communicate why they may need that. This is where boundaries come in. Each partner has the opportunity to withstand their boundaries based on the asks and requests in the marriage.
There’s so much more in this episode. Be sure to listen to the full episode and learn how love is not demanding.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Mike's Website
Strong Men Strong Marriages Podcast
Episode mentioned about Comparison in Marriage
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Love is Not Proud or Passive (Love Is… Series) - with Chris and Jamie Bailey Continuing with the Love is series, I had the honor of chatting with Christian marriage counselors Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage. Chris and Jamie have been married over 27 years, but their journey hasn’t always been easy. In today’s conversation we talk about taking responsibility for your baggage. If we are always looking at our spouse as the problem, it will cause friction in our marriages and relationships. This doesn’t allow us to love freely and be fully supported in our partnerships. We go on to discuss how love is not proud or passive. They are two opposite extremes that show up in a lot of marriages.
Pride destroys, and passivity can cause resentment in our marriages. The solution is that we must learn to allow each other’s voice to be heard without resorting to either extreme.
How to Support and not Compete It’s important for couples to understand the amount of refinement that comes with marriage. It takes work y’all! It is a learned skill to learn how to support and encourage each other without competing with each other. Jamie said, “I learned that my job and my success is helping him become what God created him to be. Success looks different in marriage. It’s the goal of becoming one and looking out for each other. When you bring pride into that, it’s one looking out for themselves.”
It feels so good when we can support our partners fully and help them become a better person and better partner. Chris said,“Next to God, your partner should be your most impactful resource. When you are able to be there and support your partner, you can celebrate your wins together.” That’s what it means to support one another without competing.
Self-Protection vs Vulnerability in Marriage Many couples are dealing with a fear of disconnection. At times, we are afraid of our emotions and how these emotions will affect our partners. Often, we quiet ourselves in order to keep the peace, but this quieting can cause bigger issues down the road. Jamie said, “It’s not peace making; it’s ’peace faking.’”
Chris added, “It’s fear of disconnection, fear of losing the relationship, fear of I am not enough as I am. If she knew my real answers, I wouldn’t be enough, and now I'm vulnerable. It takes vulnerability to speak your truth and puts you in a situation where loss could happen.” Men like to feel strong and have their protective barrier even though that protection may not always be giving the desired outcome.
Pride vs Passivity It’s interesting how we are contrasting pride and passivity. Love is not proud but neither is love passive. Many men fall into passivity trying to appease their wives. But strong women need (and want!) strong men. Strong women want a man who can lead without being proud or arrogant but also one who will listen, support, and build with her. Chris talked about how he was raised in a house where his father leaned more toward passivity than pride. For some men with similar experiences, this can make them passive as well. Neither extremes are helpful.
Doormat or Jerk Chris said, “Many men think they only have two choices: being a doormat or being a jerk.” Men think, if I stand up and push back, that will come across as being a jerk. Sometimes men think it’s either one or the other. You're either falling in the tracks of toxic masculinity or you're a doormat. The beautiful thing about marriage and relationships is that it does not have to be one or the other with healthy communication. Love is not proud or passive. It’s about finding the middle ground to make your marriage or relationships flow easily. When one partner feels as if their voice isn’t being heard, it can cause resentment, control, and domination.
Both Partners Matter in Marriage Both people should have the ability to show up fully as they are and allow each other the opportunity to manage their emotions. We need to feel confident in showing up as ourselves and knowing and believing that our partner will accept us the way that we are. It takes work and healing in the marriage to get to that point, but it’s possible. When you see yourself on the same team, rather than as competition, you are able to work together and have a beautiful and successful marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Expedition Marriage
Not Your Average Man Podcast
Get Your Love Is...Workbook!
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Love is Not Jealous or Envious Either Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who’s jealous? Jealousy is like a cancer to a relationship. Thankfully, there is a cure to jealousy. Before we talk about the cure to jealousy, we first have to talk about what are the root causes. Jealousy comes from 3 things; Insecurity, lack of trust, and fear. If we are going to be people in secure relationships, we need to have the ability to be aware of how these things may be causing jealousy in our relationships and marriages.
Jealousy. Normal or Nah? Feeling some jealousy from time to time is a normal feeling in a relationship or marriage. I believe in most healthy relationships, a bit of jealousy should be present. Imagine if you saw your spouse flirt with another person, yet you felt no jealousy concerning their actions. Think about why you don’t feel any jealousy or envy. In that scenario, your devotion to your partner would be questionable. When we feel threatened or when we feel our love being threatened, the feelings of jealousy are evoked. We can have a healthy relationship with jealousy but if there are consistent or habitual feelings of jealousy, you have a problem. Jealousy, when not misused or abused, is a sign that you care deeply about your relationship and you are willing to do anything to protect it.
Insecurity: The Root Cause of Jealousy I believe the number one thing that causes jealousy is insecurity. Typically you don’t feel secure in yourself or your relationship. When this insecurity pops up, you try to hold on too tightly to the relationship. This is a vicious cycle because most healthy people don’t want to be constrained and controlled. When jealousy pops up in a relationship, the other partner typically feels like they are walking on egg shells and has to watch out for every little thing they do. The jealous partner will often become triggered by every little thing, causing them to hold on tighter and try to keep things in their control. This all stems from insecurity.
Lack of confidence and security can often cause this type of jealousy in a relationship. The triggered jealousy may not even come from something that happened in the relationship, but something that caused the insecurity prior to the relationship forming. You can’t ever make an insecure person secure. They need to do the work on themselves to heal this.
A Lack of Trust Triggers Jealousy If there has been trust issues or past cheating in the relationship, you will typically see jealously flair up in a relationship. It’s important that each partner is able to heal if there was lack of trust in the past. If the healing did not happen, the problems will consist in the relationship. You can’t just simply forget infidelity happened; you have to be relentless and intentional to destroy the toot and its effects if that’s the case.
Fear Feeds Jealousy Fear is similar to insecurity and can show up in many ways in relationships. Oftentimes, people are afraid of losing the relationship and being alone. Fearful thoughts then become jealous thoughts. Some spouses fear not being fully loved by their partner. The fear of not having full commitment can cause partners to spiral and be overcome with jealousy. This fear can cause people to unintentionally sabotage the relationship. Fear has been called False Evidence Appearing Real. This is exactly what happens in jealous relationships.
How To Cure Chronic Jealousy There is a cure to jealous relationships. We need to start getting real with our insecurities. This starts with going inward and understanding things that you are struggling with in yourself. Oftentimes, we project our insecurities onto other people. Don’t do this. Self-awareness is key when it comes to overcoming insecurities. You can start by recognizing an insecure thought and redirect that thought to love and empathy. Change your thoughts and begin to think about the good qualities you have.
Next, look and probe your relationship for breaches of trust. There are times when you are simply discerning something that you need to pay attention to. It’s one thing to be aware of how your discernment may be watching over to protect your relationship, but it’s another if this discernment becomes obsessive and controlling.
Last, be willing to deal with the fears that are controlling and sabotaging your relationship. We often have fears that pop up in our marriage that makes us jealous. We need to get real with these fears that pop up that cause us to think our partners will leave the relationship. Returning to love will help with overcoming fears.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Get Your Copy of the Love Is Workbook
12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
The Hidden Fears that are Ruining Your Relationships
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Love is Kind. But Are You? (Love Is… Series) - with Anne Visser
I was reading an article last year about when a mutual friend set up Prince Harry and Megan Markle on a blind date. Megan says she had only question in mind: "Is he kind?" Love is kind, so let's talk about kindness. We’ve seen the t-shirts, we’ve used the hashtags, but how important is kindness to a relationship? Or to a marriage for that matter? To be honest, ya’ll, I wouldn’t rate kindness as one of my top attributes. I mean, I’m not mean, but it’s just that there are so many other qualities that rank more important to me than kindness. Like responsible. Dependable. Faithful. Heck, even a sense of humor. But the more I think about it, I realize being in a relationship with someone who isn’t kind is kinda rough.
What do you think about when you think of the word kindness? For some reason, Barney comes to my mind. He’s always smiling. He never seems to have a bad day. He’s forever optimistic. And Barney loves everyone. Kindness is usually synonymous with gentleness. Therefore, many men don’t readily identify with this word. Can you be tough and kind? Can you have swag and be kind? Cool and kind? Or do you need to act like Barney? I think kindness is more about a heart expression than a facial expression. Kindness is more than just being nice. It’s compassionate, selfless, and its very definition is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Kindness is putting others first. And you can do all of that without smiling.
In Ephesians 4:32, Paul instructs Christians to be kind to one another. Tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God, for Christ’s sake, forgives us. Elsewhere, in Galatians, we see that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit…basically it’s one of the evidences of God’s spirit in you… or not. We all know about those mean ol’ church ladies, right?
Random Acts of Kindness I’ve been the recipient of random acts of kindness more times than I can count. Several years ago, after a long and stressful day of non-stop sports, I pulled my weary self into the Chick-fil-A drive through. I knew it would be the cashier's pleasure to serve me, or at least that's what they always say, I mean kindness is literally written all over their employee handbook. But what I didn't expect is the person in front of me to pay for my whole ticket. Do ya'll know how expensive Chick-Fil-A is for a family of six? You might at well go sit down somewhere at a restaurant.
Another time at Starbucks after ordering an especially sugary drink and battling shame as I inched my way through the drive-through. Again, someone, a complete stranger, paid for my drink. FYI: I haven’t battled shame in the Starbucks line ever since. Kindness literally destroys shame. Ooohhh...
Hesed: the Biblical Definition of Kindness Kindness is a theme all throughout Scripture. God extends us kindness through giving us grace and mercy. Jesus modeled kindness by caring for the poor, lifting up women in a hyper-mysoginistic culture. From the patriarch, Abraham, who showed hospitality to strangers (who just happened to be angels), to the prostitute, Rahab who hid the Israelite warriors from her own people who were trying to kill them, and the prophet Hosea, who married a wayward prostitute and kept pursuing her while she was pursuing other men, all of these people extended kindness without expecting anything in return. But ya’ll know what, when you do something kind without expecting anything in return, God has a way of returning it back to you.
There’s this really beautiful Hebrew word Hesed that shows up in the Bible. Hesed means loyal love, faithful devotion and unfailing kindness. Sounds just like God to me. But did you know we are called to show hesed in our marriages and relationships? Loyalty, faithful devotion, unfailing kindness. These are all action-oriented nouns. Hesed is kindness rooted in love. So we know kindness is good for us spirit, but can talk about science for a bit?
How Kindness Affects our Physical Bodies Did you know that according to Mayo Clinic Health, being kind boosts serotonin and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters in the brain that give you feelings of satisfaction and well-being, and cause the pleasure/reward centers in your brain to light up? Endorphins, which are your body's natural pain killer, also can be released just be practicing kindness. So hesed is good for your physical health too! Being kind just feels good.
How to be Kind in Marriage & Relationships I think one of the most obvious ways we can show hesed is in how we communicate, specifically how we talk to those we’re in relationship with. When I was a kid, my sister and I would mock my mom’s telephone voice, you know you made fun of your mom too. You know the voice I’m talking about? That super nice, cheerful, proper voice (hello) my mom would answer the phone after she just got finished yelling at my sister and me for not cleaning our rooms. Well, much to my dismay, my own kids joke my podcast voice! Ya’ll, I don’t have a podcast voice. Really what they’re saying is my tone with them is lacking the same sweetness I obviously have with my listeners.
But let’s talk about marriage for a bit. This is a marriage podcast after all. We all have a tendency to take our spouses for granted. Think of the last conversation you had with your spouse. If you were to be rated on a scale from 1-10 on how kind that conversation was, how would you score? Think about when you were dating vs your conversations now. Remember how you’d be so excited to talk to each other on the phone or you’d get that tingling feeling deep in your stomach when you saw your future mate had emailed, texted, or reached out to you on social.
Now, that you’re married, how often do you think of kindness in your conversations? No judgment here, you guys. I, too, am guilty as charged. And that’s why our guest today is here. She is going to help us learn to communicate more kindly. I invited Anne Visser, who is a life coach, and also a certified John Maxwell coach, speaker & trainer. With her husband, Melis, of 42 years, they co-founded 4 Better 4 Ever, which seeks to help Christian women learn to communicate clearly and confidently. Anne is going to chime in on this conversation we're already having on Kind communication.
Kind Communication in Marriage & Relationships Communication is key in relationships. Anne shares how couples can improve their communication, and in turn, improve their relationships. Through healthy communication, we can all learn to give a little more love to the people around us, while building thriving relationships. Anne shares meaningful ways that we can open ourselves up to love through vulnerability, kindness, and patience.
Being vulnerable is never easy, but it is worth it. When we take the chance to get vulnerable with our partners, it allows us to enter a space where we can speak freely from our heart, in a safe space. Anne said of kind communication, “It was a shift in Melis’s and my mindset and a shift in the way we communicated.” When Anne and her husband created vulnerability in their marriage, they regained hope in their marriage. Through deep, heart-opening conversations, Anne and her husband were able to overcome strife and regain the love they desired.
Conflict will arise in relationships at some point and understanding and communicating your needs is crucial for creating resolution. Anne said, “Conflict is the doorway to intimacy. Into me you see.” When conflict is revealed, it allows you to understand and grow closer by working as a team to overcome the problem. When conflict is fixed with vulnerability, it allows both partners to be heard and seen through the eyes of love.
God is Kind and So Can You Be When we are at the end of our rope it’s important that we can always return to kindness. God is such a pure example of what love and kindness looks like. Kindness shows up in our thoughts first, then it shows up in our words. Anne said, “Kindness to me is being honest with myself. Kindness is being kind to myself and recognizing my humanness and recognizing when I am depleted. Kindness starts with being kind with me.”
All kindness starts from within. That’s why when we practice patience and kindness with ourselves, it makes it easier to practice that with others people in our lives. When you have love in your heart for yourself and God, that love becomes contagious and spreads like wildfire. When we create kindness in our lives, it creates a positive experience for us and the kindness can radiate into other people’s lives. Kindness is contagious.
Creating Healthy Communication in Your Marriage Sometimes in relationships, we have things that we want to say, but we don’t always express ourselves in the most efficient way. A lot of times, our emotions get the best of us and we become irrational and say things we didn’t mean. When we practice patiences and kindness, it allows us to shift the way we handle conflict. Anne gives her clients a tip to help with this. It’s called The Three C’s - Check Emotions, Communicate and Clarify, and Create Resolution. When we have something weighing us down it’s important to check in with our emotions. Slow down and check in on how you’re feeling.
When we are triggered, emotions will run high causing irrational responses. Once we are able to recognize that, we can slow down to communicate and clarify our needs. This will help with creating understanding and creating resolution with our partners. Often times, in relationships, we think we are going to war with our partner. When we shift our thinking, and realize that our partners are on the same team as us, it allows us to create more love and empathy. When you give your partner the same kindness, grace, and love that you want to receive, it creates healthier communication in the partnership.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn more about Anne's Work Here.
Anne’s 7-Day Communication Challenge
Get Your Copy of My New Workbook: Love Is . . .
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Love is Patient and #WorthTheWait - with J and Ginger Simpson
On today’s episode, I had the privilege to host J and Ginger Simpson for our Love Is . . . series. In this conversation we talk about growing love with patience and faith. It’s clear how much love J and Ginger truly have for each other, but it was a long journey of trusting God to get to that point. Throughout their relationship, they both spent long days and nights waiting on God and his ultimate timing to bring them together. Through trust in God, healing, patience, and waiting, God presented them with the gift of love to cherish and grow together as a married couple.
Patience Paves the Road to Love For J and Ginger, things weren't always easy but they both practiced patience as their relationship and marriage was developed. J found himself in a deep-knowing that Ginger was the person he was meant to be with. He trusted in God to believe when the time was right, it would come. J said “I just believed that this is my wife. Patience is the partner of faith. When you walk by faith and put on patience while you’re waiting, you are doing the will of God.” It was a long road of trusting in the plan that God had for them, but eventually J popped the question and Ginger said YES!
Stay in Faith and Do Not Waiver But things got rocky when Ginger abruptly called off the engagement. It was time for J to wait yet again. While he waited on Ginger to come around, he admitted to “getting in the flesh.” At times, he was tested but he remembered with faith, God will deliver. J said “Most people say they're in faith, but they don’t understand that faith is a process and the results are progressive.” He soon came to realize that in order to get the love he truly wanted, he must trust in God and that his path would soon be revealed. He believed that as long as he was consistent, the outcome of his faith would be rewarded. J carried patience throughout this entire journey, deeply knowing that God would send him what he needed, when he was ready. God is faithful, and when you trust in God, divine timing will deliver.
How Healing & Patience Ready Us for Love Ginger’s journey to marriage came through a different set of struggles. She wanted to ensure that she was ready to step into the love and marriage that she and J truly deserved. Ginger said “I did not want to hurt someone who had been so good to me.” She knew that J was right for her, but she didn’t want to rush into something that she didn’t feel fully ready for. Ginger said “If I would have moved forward with the spirit of rejection and abandonment [that she carried], I don’t know if we would be married right now.” Ginger spent nine years waiting for a husband. She had to trust in God’s plan that when she felt ready, there would be a sign. But God was at work, restoring Ginger and making her ready for the love that was waiting for her. The waiting was never easy for this couple, but it was well worth it for the love they are living.
The Waiting Game of Love We can’t talk about patience without talking about waiting. When we pray for things, we expect results right away. In waiting, we are able to grow appreciation about the things we are hoping to receive. When we take our eyes off the goal and focus our eyes on trusting in God’s plan, all will fall into line. Ginger quoted the scripture “Don’t grow weary in well-doing, because in due time the harvest will come” (Galatians 6:9). The key with waiting is trusting in the plan that God has for you. Satan will try to make you grow weary, but with consistent faith, your prayers will be answered. During the waiting time, it’s about practicing patience. Patience is not about sitting back and doing nothing, it’s about doing more. More prayer, more faith, and more serving. When you throw yourself into serving God during the waiting period, the wait won’t seem like the wait. The gifts will be abundant as you practice patience and faith while waiting for God to deliver. So remember, patience is not passive. It’s active. Stay in hope as you allow love to be patient in your life and relationships.
Other Helpful Resources Related to this Episode Visit J and Ginger’s Website : The Restored Woman
5 Principles to Waiting in Hope
Purchase Your copy of my newest workbook - Love Is . . .
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What is Love Truly? Love is in the air! On today’s episode, I was joined by the lovely Kim Sorrelle. Kim is a writer, speaker, entrepreneur, and so much more. In this conversation we talk about what love truly is, learning how to love, and giving love freely without expectations of something in return. Kim helps people discover what the true meaning of love is through her work. Love is the most beautiful gift we have, and when we learn to share that gift, the love will be abundant.
The "Feeling" of Love Love is such a complex topic to talk about. It’s something we all strive to have in life. When hard times strike, love is there to pick us back up and lift us to strength. Kim said, “Love is the ultimate freedom. There is nothing freer than walking in love.” Real, true, love isn’t about fixing people, or judging people, it’s about showing up whole-heartedly with kindness, compassion, and empathy. 1 John 4 says, “We love because we have first been loved,” and this is key for us to remember: when we have an understanding of God’s love for us, we can love others. Thus, love has no boundaries.
Learning How to Love In order to give love, you must be able to receive love. Kim said “Love is universal.” We all are put on this earth to love and be loved. When you learn to give love unconditionally then the receiving of love will come naturally. Often times, we learn how to love through our family and how we were raised as children. As we watched our parents express what love was, we inherited their version of love and carried that with us as kids and into adulthood. Kim says, “You live what you learned.” As adults, it’s our job to learn what love means to us, despite what we may have learned from our parents. We have the opportunity to overcome things that prohibit us from loving and learning how to love. We have the freedom to create unconditional love in our lives without restriction.
Giving Love Without Conditions When we are craving love, we need to look at how we are giving love. Do you give love only to receive something back? Expressing the emotion of love is most powerful when there is no need to receive anything in return. When you give love to people without the need to receive it back, that is unconditional love. 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a says “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast.” This is about honoring yourself and providing love to people who really need love in that moment. When we stop focusing on receiving something back, we can show up fully in love and help others be seen. Kim said, “Being patient is when you actually hear what people have to say, you stop and listen without having your rebuttal to go, and actually listen to them.” When you take a moment to see a human being and hear their story, that’s when the love will naturally be ignited.
Love Does Not Keep Score Some people see love as, “Because I did this for you, you need to do that for me.” Love is not about keeping score. Love is about giving freely the love that you have. When you give your love freely without keeping score, it will give back to you in abundance. Kim said “Love is what you do, love is something you are, that you give, that you live. Then there’s no score keeping.” Giving love is self-serving because when you give more, you will receive it back naturally. Scorekeeping can often show up in our marriage. In those moments we need to remember to practice patiences and grace, giving our partner the love they need in that moment. When we learn to tap into the love inside our hearts, through the guidance of God, all will prevail.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Visit Kim’s Website : Kim's Website
Get my Love Is… Workbook!
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Hot and Holy Sex - with Spiced Wife Ashlyn Watkins
Ashlyn Watkins, host of the Spiced Wife podcast is here to help us understand that our sex lives can be both hot and holy. Spiced Wife is a ministry that brings Christian wives together in reaching their full potential of being a holy and sexy wife. Married sex is a topic that not a lot of people in the Christian space are talking about and if they do talk about it, it's a very sanitized, hush-hush topic. But we need to talk about this topic and to be honest. I feel like people have real questions and real concerns, and they deserve real answers.
Discovering the Path to Spiced Wife I asked Ashlyn what interested her in helping Christian women help to make their marriages hot and holy. “I can honestly say that I was provoked to passion,” Ashlyn says. “The pain in my life provoked me to Jesus, although I knew Jesus, growing up in church. My grandfather is a pastor, my dad's a pastor, and I was just in it my whole life. I learned, where that can be a blessing, it can also be a hindrance, because God becomes normal to you and you lose that awe of him. When you grow up in church, you meet church first and you meet Jesus second. People come out of the world right into Jesus, they meet Jesus first and they have this amazing experience and so they're instantly on fire for Jesus.
“With me, I grew so comfortable with God that I learned how to play the part. I was the church girl and the world girl, but you wouldn't know it. I was teaching teenage class, I was leading, praising, worship, leading choir, I had so many roles, and I was wearing the biggest spiritual mask ever. Throughout my life I went through so much. I have a history of abortions, sexual addictions, and just so many terrible things that I had to endure.
In 2015, something clicked, I was just tired of knowing God based on who I was told he was. I wanted to know Jesus for myself. All these years, I've been listening and hearing, and realized I'm tired. I wanted to get clear on who I'm serving. I needed to see who he says I am, but I need to know who he is first. That year I committed to reading my Bible the entire year and my life has changed since then because I learned who God is based on who he says he is. He saved me from the religion that I was hiding behind. In beginning to know him, I found freedom, so it wasn't so heavy to serve Him anymore. My passion comes from loving people's souls and not wanting them to be blinded.”
The Shame of Teenage Pregnancy That boldness came on the heels of a shameful past. Before Ashyn dedicated herself to helping others find the hot and holy path, she had to find it herself. Ashlyn and I share similar stories of being teen moms who felt shame because we were Christians.
She explains, “I believe I was really delivered from that shame when I realized that my daughter was a way of God's grace to save my life. What I thought was the biggest mistake and the biggest shame when I got pregnant, became the biggest blessing. When God opened my eyes to see that pregnancy slowed me down, it saved my life. And even now, her being a teenager, it's so much fun. She's got the youngest mom, and I'm able to have her friends over and be able to be the fun, cool mom that's discipling them, and they don't even know it. She is such a blessing. What I thought was the most devastating thing is the biggest blessing and breakthrough. I just didn't see it until I began to know God personally.”
Women Stuck in the Sexual Shame Cycle Ashlyn: Women have pain from who they used to be to who they are now, and they feel like they don't have permission to enjoy sex. Many wives are confined in the thought process of, “ I am still this person of my past.” Some wives don’t realize there is a demonic force that is lying to them to create shame around sex. Satan is the king of lies. He's putting these thoughts in your mind that “I'm not good at sex, I can't be good at sex, or I can't enjoy sex.” It is about learning that you're coming into agreement with him and remembering God made this. Satan just took it and contaminated it. It starts with us, as women having it and enjoying it. It’s about having the confidence of knowing our God is okay with us enjoying sex and that he is okay with you learning how to do it right.
How Can Christ Make Our Sex Life Better? So what exactly is hot and holy sex? Ashlyn believes that Christ makes sex better because there's no repercussions after you're done. There's no feelings of the guilt or shame when Christ is regulating your thinking around sex. Everything with him becomes so much better. You have to know that he approves of it. When you trust in Christ you don't have to have shame in learning what an orgasm is and how to get it and how to have it. That shame is gone. Christ literally makes everything better, and sex is included. He make sex better because he makes you better.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Spiced Wife Episode on Christ Makes Sex Better: Episode 163
Learn More About Ashlyn at www.spicedwife.com
Oral Sex, Oh My! Dana Che and Real Relationship Talk
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Dating Advice for Singles & Married People Too I had the wonderful privilege to have a conversation with Lisa Anderson from Boundless, the young adults ministry of Focus on the Family. We’re dishing out dating advice that is pure gold. If you’re single and looking for a long lasting relationship, you’re gonna want to tune in. Lisa and I touch on the idea of the church pushing marriage on singles, how it feels for singles to get advice from married people, and we discuss what it means to be “marriageable” and who is truly ready to step into marriage.
The Gift of Singleness Sometimes it may seem like the church’s dating advice is all about pushing singles to get married and start a family. There’s a lot of great things about being single and a lot of hard things about being single. We can learn a lot about life in both seasons and support each other in both seasons. 85% of people will be married by the time they reach their 30s, but it’s important that we realize not everyone is “called to be married.” There are many who have the gift of singleness, and we need to champion, encourage, and support these people more. Marriage is not the end all be all. Married people who give singles dating advice need to remember this.
Dating and Marriage Advice from the Married When it comes to married people giving singles dating advice, it “depends on the advice and the way it’s delivered,” Lisa says. “I always tell singles, ‘Don't act like the married are some other species that you don't want them in your life. I mean, it only benefits us all to have people speaking to us and relaying their experience and marriage advice.’”
Lisa continues, "That said, when it comes to saying like, ‘Okay, let me tell you, single person why your life is so easy or why you have it better than I do . . . I hear from so many marrieds, unfortunately, many in the church, who talk about marriage like it is completely the ball and chain. I mean, it's like the worst thing that they could ever do, and I'm like you should be champions of marriage and walking through it and giving encouragement and confidence to the singles coming up behind you. I think a good amount of grace on either side is helpful for having the conversation, for encouraging one another.
In fact, I always tell people, especially married, when you want to approach that with a single friend, the best thing to start as you wade into that conversation is to say, you know what, 'What's going on in your life? and ‘How can I best pray for you?’ Because then it gives that single person the opportunity to open up as much or as little as they'd like and to enter into prayer on behalf of a friend who truly desires a relationship and desires marriage.”
Are you Marriageable? Being marriageable can be defined as being a person who is single and available to be married, Lisa explains. It’s about people who are in a position to be married. They are an adult, they are contributing to society, they are plugged into a local church. Some questions you can ask are Do you have a job? Are you a person that has worked on other relationships in your life? Do you honor your parents? Do you keep your commitments? Have you dealt with that baggage in your past that is going to creep into your marriage whether you want it to or not?
Lisa adds, “People say they love Boundless so much because it's their people and they're like, I just want to listen to Boundless. And I'm like, that's fantastic. But here's what you really need to do. You need to get into a church in your town that is going to be up in your grill, real eyes on you, to be in your business and help you move towards maturity in Christ. And so to go after that and be the person who wants to serve and wants to be spoken into and poured into is the person who can move towards marriage and become a viable part of a God honoring couple.”
Finding your Special Person God Designed for You If you look in scripture, people did some crazy things to get a spouse. They didn't sit around waiting for God to mystically show a sign for this person. I mean, they enlisted other people to help them find a spouse. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife, finds what is good, and finds favor with the Lord,” not he who sits around assuming that there's one person out there that he has to elusively run into at some point, and then it'll just be magical.
Lisa continues, “So I think, conservatively speaking, and the way that God has designed us to be in relationship with other people, is put in some good parameters for what this person is. Are they a disciple of Jesus Christ? What's their deal? Who are they in the things that matter? And then you pick one and that person becomes your one. So when you've done that, you put on the blinders and you become a student of that person, you become a servant of that person, you're mutually submitting to one another, loving one another, walking in faith together, sharpening one another, and that person becomes your one. And then you can breathe a sigh of relief because you don't have to worry about what all these other people are doing. You don't have to be frantically searching for that one person.
Be sure to listen to the complete episode to hear how Lisa’s dating advice affects married people too. We can all grow from the timeless truths of how to do relationships right.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Hear Lisa on her show: The Boundless Podcast
Get Lisa’s Book: The Dating Manifesto: A Drama-Free Guide for Dating with Purpose
Hear Dana Che on the Boundless Podcast: 7 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married
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Protecting & Prioritizing Your Military Marriage - with Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh I live in a really big military town, Virginia Beach, right next to Norfolk, VA, which houses the largest naval base in the world. We also have Langley Air Force Base in nearby Hampton, army bases nearby and marine bases. Because we have so much military here and Shaun and I actually have lots of military friends, I wanted to dedicate a specific episode to helping out our military spouses.
In today's episode, we are blessed to have with us Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh, a psychologist, marriage coach, and podcast host of Married to Military. She is going to help us to learn how to have happy, healthy, and sustainable connected military marriages. Military marriages do not need to be disconnected. Military marriages do not need to have higher divorce rates than civilian marriages. So if you are in the military and you are married or if you're dating someone and they're in the military and you're wondering if you really want to get yourself involved in all of this, you are going to want to listen to this episode today.
Now, enjoy a few snippets from my conversation with Lindsey.
[Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh] I have worked with marriages outside of the military as well. And, certainly, marriage has challenges in and of itself, and some of them are very universal. I say when it comes to military marriages, one thing that comes up is like the deployments, you have the really long separations, whereas there are many careers that will take people away.
The other thing that really comes down to military marriages is the military members are trained in a very specific way to be successful at work or in combat or whenever they need to be. . . to be very emotionless, to be very problem-solution-oriented, to be very defensive in their positions. And so, again, all of those things are needed at work, but they don't always translate into a healthy marriage when you're trying to do things like compromise or when you're having emotions that need to be addressed, which really comes up in marriage. So that's another area that I find that's really specific to military because they are all trained in this way.
Spouses often say, I'm tired of being second priority. This is probably the number one thing that I help military spouses with because it comes up so often. They say, “I’m tired of my opinions and dreams not being validated.” One thing that I'll say to military spouses is you have to remember that the military does a really good job of giving constant information about what they need to do to advance their career and what kind of skills they need. They are constantly getting counseling about how and what to do to further their career so they are very confident in what needs to happen at work.
Military Spouses Have Needs Too
A lot of times, really what needs to happen is that we, as the military spouse, are really educating our spouse in terms of what we need and how they can support us. So often what I find is people will come to me and they say, “My spouse doesn't care. My spouse only cares about the military. They don't care about me.” Nine times out of ten, when you really dig into it, the military service member cares a lot. And they actually, even in many ways, feel guilty.
This is where education from our side is needed, here is exactly how I want you to support me. Here is exactly how I want you to support the family. If I want my ideas and dreams to be considered when he's making his work decisions, I need to make sure that I'm telling him what those are. So really figuring out first what is it that you want from your spouse, how can your spouse support you, and then finding ways to start having those conversations.
My spouse was really relieved once I started doing this because now he knows what to do at home to make me feel special, loved and valued even when I don't have as much control over life like the military does. So I find that oftentimes it ends up being a really great thing. It's just you have to put in that initial work and be really clear about what it is you want and what it is you need.
Lindsey also talked at length about how to incorporate each other’s love languages into times of separation. Her insight was incredibly valuable and will help a lot of military marriages to stay connected even when they’re apart.
If you’d like this military marriage episode to turn into a series where I do several episodes for military spouses, then make sure that you hit me up on Instagram.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Married to Military Deployment Survival Guide
Learn more about Dr. Cavanagh
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Trust and Accountability in Marriage How many times you have thought, I need to keep my husband accountable or somebody needs to keep me accountable and help me to stop eating Ben and Jerry's at 10:30 at night. When we look at accountability in that way, we are completely missing the foundational truth of what accountability is all about. The definition of accountability is acceptance of responsibility for one's own actions or behaviors. Did you guys catch that? Some of you need to let that sink in. It's accepting responsibility for our own actions, our own behaviors, and our own thoughts. When we think about accountability being external, or being directed at somebody else, we have already started to infringe on somebody else's boundaries, and we are trying to manage that person's behavior.
In today’s episode we talk about how accountability should show up in your marriage or in your relationship and then how we can, first of all, keep ourselves accountable. If you're not willing to be accountable to yourself, chances are pretty slim that you're actually going to be accountable to somebody else. So how can you actually become accountable for your actions? And then if you are in a marriage or relationship, how then can you help to support your partner in helping them to be accountable?
4-Step Process to Accountability in Marriage
FocusU.com is a website that's dedicated to providing impactful and engaging learning methods. It's really more of a business website, but I love a lot of the knowledge that they provide and find it’s helpful for relationships too. According to them, they actually have a four-step process to accountability.
Step 1: See it
Step 2: Own it
Step 3: Solve it
Step 4: Do it
You have to muster the courage to see it. To see what? To see whatever the behavior is, whatever the action is that you need to be accountable for. It takes courage to be honest. It takes courage to really look inside of ourselves and to say, you know what, maybe I'm not strong in this area or maybe I'm not as strong in this area as I think I am or as I hope to be. That takes courage and it takes humility to do that.
Next, we have to own it. Find it in your heart to own it. When I think about this, the word vulnerability comes to mind. Vulnerability goes a little beyond transparency; it takes it a step further where not only are you able to see me, not only am I showing you the truth of who I am, but I'm also willing to show you my heart, my internal motivations of why I do the things that I do. Not just looking at what I do, but why I do the things that I do. And so when we own it, then we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves, to deny our pride, and to be humble. We have to be willing to apologize for mistakes that we've made. That's all a part of owning it.
Thirdly, solve it. Obtain the wisdom to solve it. What does this mean? Put those boundaries in place if need be. It's super important that we understand how to set boundaries in marriage. Another part of solving it is getting the wisdom to solve the problem. Get coaching, get help, get an outside perspective. Read your Bible; just do something, and find solutions to solve the problems that you are facing.
Lastly, number four, do it. Exercise the means to do it. What does that mean? That means commit. Commit to doing the heart work. Commit to following through on your commitments. Okay, so now that you've gone through the steps, you've got the courage to see it, you've got the heart to own it. You're seeking out wisdom to solve it. Now you've got to commit to doing it.
Holding Your Spouse Accountable A part of accountability in marriage is sometimes helping to hold your spouse accountable. Some of these areas include decisions, finances, sexuality, and technology. The truth is, you can’t “hold your spouse accountable” if they won’t allow you to. If they are open to accountability, you must be willing to offer feedback (positive and negative) and follow through on appropriate consequences.
I hope this episode helps you to take your marriages to the next level, to begin to incorporate accountability as a welcome visitor, not like an expired tenant, in your relationship. Because without true accountability, there can truly be no trust. Accountability helps your partner, your spouse, to trust you. It helps you to be a trustworthy person. So embrace accountability and all of its facets in your marriage.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage
Episode 49: Setting Boundaries in Marriage
Wife Life Coaching Mastermind
Follow Real Relationship Talk and Dana Che on Instagram!
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Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
10 Signs Your Spouse Might Be Having an Affair Do you have a gut-wrenching feeling that your partner is being unfaithful to you? In today's episode, I'm sharing some not so obvious signs that your spouse might be having an affair. How do you know if something is really going on or if you're just being overly suspicious? There are many tell-tale signs that will help you to determine if your marriage or relationship has become vulnerable or even victim to infidelity.
Don't Ignore the Red Flags It's important to not ignore the red flags. You know when something's off in your relationship, so instead of excusing it, deal with it. After you hear these ten warning signs, it may be difficult to have the hard conversation you need to have, but you must. Infidelity does not just go away on its own. Even if you never find out, the damage done to your relationship must eventually be addressed.
There's an old saying that says, "When you see the world through rose-colored glasses, even the red flags just look like flags." In other words, when we choose to have our head in the sand instead of being aware and wise, we will overlook obvious warning signs.
5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Partner is Being Unfaithful Because you will glean so much more out of these warning signs when you listen to the full podcast, I'm only sharing five of the ten here in the show notes. In no particular order, five warning signs your partner or spouse is being unfaithful are as follows:
- Money goes missing and/or they begin using ATMs all of the sudden
- There is a lack of friendship, interest, or connection in your relationship
- Your partner becomes accusatory of your actions
- They become obsessed with their looks
- They start staying out late or taking extra “work trips”
The other five signs are very eye-opening, so be sure to listen to the episode in its entirety.
I want to leave you with this: I truly believe that every relationship has the potential to heal from infidelity. You don't "have" to stay or reconcile, and there are time when you shouldn't. However, if you want to restore your marriage and are both willing to put in the work, it can work.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
When to Divorce
Sign up for Wife Life
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4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart Has your heart been broken due to a painful relationship or have you had your trust violated? Most of us have been through this unfortunate situation at some time or another. It's never easy mending a broken heart, but it is always possible. In today's episode, I'm sharing four ways to heal your broken heart using my acronym: H.E.A.L. These four steps are simple but, I'll admit, not easy.
It's important to put to rest the myths concerning healing your broken heart if you are going to experience true and complete healing. You've heard the feel-good mantras like, "Time heals all wounds," or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." While there may some truth to these, they don't give us the full picture.
Time is a good accelerator to healing but it doesn't actually heal you. Listen in as I describe how to actually begin and complete the healing process for your heart, whether you've been betrayed by a spouse, a loved one, a friend, or someone else. These principles apply to all situations.
And be sure to share this episode with someone who needs their heart to be healed too.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
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12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship Did you know that 1 in 4 marriages will experience infidelity? The good news is half of these marriages will survive it. Today, I'm giving you 12 steps to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship. This is one episode you will want to refer back to should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of affair recovery.
I truly believe that all is not lost when someone commits adultery. Your marriage or relationship can survive this, but you need an action plan in order to succeed.
You Need a Plan You've heard the saying: "Most people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan." Well, that's exactly how affairs happen and that's also how couples whose attempts to rebuilding after an affair go sideways. Again, you need a plan of action.
Shaun and I know this path well. We've had to walk it out in our own lives. You can learn all about our journey of rebuilding our marriage after infidelity on Episode 3: Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Our Marriage.
All is not lost in your marriage, and I believe that you truly can rebuild trust after an affair. Now, let me show you how.
Other Links Mentioned in this Episode: Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
Episode 79: It Will Work If You Work It
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How to Love Your Spouse When You Don't Like Your Spouse Many couples go through a stage in their marriage or relationship where they don't like each other. You know you should love your spouse, but if you're honest, there are times when you don’t even like them. This episode speaks to that dilemma and will give you some practical steps to take to rekindle the likability in your relationship.
If we are ever going to grow into mature husbands and wives, we must first settle on the fact that love is not a feeling. Sure, you can "feel" loving feelings, but love is so much more than that. I learned this the hard way. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him lovingly again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much.
The Most Dangerous Prayer I remember back when we'd been married for around five years, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way.
God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. I John 4:19 tells us that, "We love because he first loved us." When you realize the Source of true love, it becomes easier to love.
In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat.
RECONNECTION IS THE KEY TO LOVING YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. For more on unforgiveness, check out Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships.
You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by author Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.
Don't turn your love off! You can learn to love AND like your spouse again.
If you need more help walking through this, why not schedule a discovery call with me at http://danache.com/coaching. It might be the first intentional step toward a revived relationship for you!
Other Links Mentioned During this Episode: Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage or Relationship
Episode 14: How these Hidden Fears Are Ruining Your Relationship
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How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Counseling Why is your spouse so resistant to marriage counseling and what can you do to get him/her to go with you? I’m sharing 7ish relationship tips on today’s episode that you can do today to help your spouse or partner to be more interested in marriage counseling or coaching. Now, off the bat, there is a difference between counseling and coaching, which I share about in the show. You can also see some of the differences between coaching and counseling here.
For many years, I tried, unsuccessfully, to get my husband to go to marriage counseling. The more I tried, the more Shaun resisted. So I upped the ante and moved to manipulation and shame. Those two always work, right? Um, wrong. The brother would not budge. I learned some very valuable lessons during that time in our marriage and to keep you from having to go through years of unnecessary trauma and drama, I’m sharing them with you today.
7 or 8 Tips to Get Your Partner to Go to Counseling 1. Decide if counseling is really necessary. 2. Encourage, don’t demand. 3. Have the right motives (Beware of ulterior motives.) 4. Don’t shame, blame, or compare. 5. Work on yourself. 6. Be careful what you wish for. 7. Trust God and pray for a changed heart (yours included). 8. Bonus: Don’t stay in counseling or coaching too long.
Don’t just read the bullet points, though. Be sure to listen to the entire episode. I think this one is going to be a game changer for your relationship!
Also, friends, WE ARE CELEBRATING OUR 100TH EPISODE TODAY!! Would you help me celebrate by writing a review on the podcast? It takes less than one minute.
Thanks for listening. See you next week!
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage
Episode 98: The Difference Between Nagging & Reminding
Join an amazing community of wives in our next Wife Life cohort!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
How to Stay Connected When You're Apart - with Shaun Williams In the lifespan of a marriage, you are likely to spend time apart, whether temporarily or more long-term. Today, we're discussing some creative ways to stay connected even when you're unable to be face-to-face. This episode was actually Shaun's idea, likely because we have spent a lot of time apart lately due to various business and work trips.
We all know how easy it is to lose connection in marriage. Well, prolonged distance makes it even worse. That's why it's important to be proactive and diligent when you know that one or both of you will be away.
Shaun and I discuss several times when we've been apart . . . from just a few weeks and even up to a year when he was away on military leave. We haven't always gotten it right, and each time we're apart, we learn more and more of what each other needs and ways we can help ensure the other spouse feels secure and important.
I'm sharing some creative practices you can do the next time you or your spouse/partner takes a trip. So, grab a pen or better yet, save this podcast to refer back to. Happy listening!
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 30: Commuter Marriages with Abe & Elaine Romero from Love in the Air Podcast
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My Partner Says I Nag: The Difference Between Nagging & Reminding No one likes being called a nag. Truthfully, we're just trying to help our spouse/partner anyway, right? Just how do you tell the difference between nagging and reminding? I'm giving you six simple tips to stop nagging your spouse on today's episode.
But first, did you know the Bible actually has something to say on this topic? Proverbs 27:15 says, "An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike (CSB). The Brenton Septuagint Translation puts it like this: On a stormy day drops of rain drive a man out of his house; so also does a railing woman drive a man out of his own house. Dang.
Basically, nagging drives our spouses crazy! It's ineffective communication that can actually cause resentment.
How to Stop Nagging There are better ways to ask and even remind your spouse to do something you need. And speaking of reminding, don't do it more than twice. Here are some tips:
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Ask, don't tell.
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Be patient. Timing is everything.
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Make it their decision. (We talked about this on episode 95: How to Get Anything You Want from Your Spouse
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Use humor.
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Use a (shared) calendar.
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Do it yourself.
Number six will change your life. Oh, the freedom of learning that you are not at the mercy of your spouse's slowness!
If you find yourself nagging, which of these tips can you employ?
Enjoy the podcast! And leave a positive review!
Links Mentioned in this Episode Join an amazing community of wives in our next Wife Life cohort!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Quick Tips to Fix Your Boring Marriage - Part 2 Friends, every marriage gets boring sometimes but it shouldn't stay that way. On today's show, I'm sharing some simple solutions to get your marriage out of a boring rut.
If you haven't yet listened to episode 96 (I'm Married and Bored to Death!), you'll want to do so before listening today, as we're building on a foundation here. With all due respect, some of what you'll hear today might step on your toes a bit. I'm inviting you into some introspection and perhaps, even, a perspective shift.
One thing we have to be careful about doing when assessing the state of our marriages is comparing them to someone else's marriage. It's easy to see the highlight reels of everyone and think we're missing out or we're stuck, when in all actuality, that might not be the case at all.
So take a listen and let me know what other tips you'd share with someone who is dealing with a boring marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage
Request marriage coaching with Dana Che
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I'm Married and Bored to Death! If you've been married longer than a week, you know that sometimes marriage can be boring. But, boredom in marriage should only be temporary. In today's episode, I'm shedding light on why marriages grow stale and what's behind the perception that our marriages have gotten boring.
For starters, let me say there is a difference between love and the feeling of being in love. If you're chasing "those loving feelings," you will make yourself susceptible to being bored in your marriage. JLo, one of my favorite celebs, has been quoted as saying she "loves the feeling of being in love." Think about that. If someone is looking to "be in love," what happens when the feelings die down? Boredom. It's no wonder why we have a generation of people unsuccessfully "searching for love."
Today is part one of a two-part series I'm doing on this topic, because there are some key practices you can do to help alleviate boredom in your marriage. So, be sure to tune in for those marriage tips next week.
In the meantime, enjoy today's show as we talk about a topic many married folks will not admit, but likely all have experienced.
Ladies, check out my upcoming Wife Life group coaching mastermind launching in the fall!
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 79: It Will Work if You Work It
Episode 80: Feelings aren't Forever
Register for the Wife Life Group Coaching Mastermind
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How to Get Anything You Want from Your Spouse Are you tired of bargaining, manipulating, or arguing to get your needs met in your relationship? Are you frustrated that you can't seem to communicate the importance of what you want in your marriage? In today's episode, I'm sharing eight tips to get anything you want from your spouse (or partner, friend, co-worker, whomever . . . the skills are the same).
You will learn how to state what you want clearly and concisely, how to make your partner think your idea was actually his/hers all along, how to make wishes instead of offering criticism, and so much more! There's no need to be frustrated in your marriage any longer.
Now, keep in mind, all of these tips can and should be done WITHOUT manipulation. Be sure to listen to the full episode and start improving your ask with your next conversation.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 49: 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
And be sure to get in on our 9 Day Lovemaking Challenge! International Lovemaking Day is on June 9th. We’re kicked off the challenge on June 1st and have just a few more days left. Get all the deets at http://r.intimately.us/danache.
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7 Ways Men Destroy their Marriage This one's for my fellas. Guys, your wives have been trying to tell you that you're destroying your marriage in one of these seven ways. Truthfully, it's most likely that your marriage might be falling apart in many more ways than just these seven, but we're talking about the big ones here. If you're humble and open enough to receive this wisdom, it will change how you show up in your marriage.
Just to tease you, I'll give you the first three ways men are destroying their marriage:
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You're not listening to your wife.
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You're downplaying your wife's emotions.
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You're working too much.
You'll have to listen to the full episode to hear the remaining four ways, and I hope you do, because I want to help couples just like you to get unstuck and start loving and living life again.
Oh, and here's some episodes you'll definitely want to listen to as a complement to this one:
Links Mentioned in this Episode Episode 28: Need an Intimacy Fix? There's an App for That! with Dan Purcell (All About Sex Series)
Episode 70: Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life - with Sathiya Sam (Shameless Sex Series)
Episode 78: The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction & Masturbation - with Shawn Bonneted (Shameless Sex Series)
And be sure to get in on our 9 Day Lovemaking Challenge! International Lovemaking Day is on June 9th. We're kicking off the challenge on June 1st. Get all the deets at realrelationshiptalk.com/9DayChallenge.
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7 Ways Women Destroy their Marriages
Ladies, do you know that you can single-handedly destroy your marriage with a few bad choices? That’s a lot of power. The good news is that the opposite is also true. You can also build (create, construct, set up, raise) the marriage of your dreams . . . but in order to do so, you must have wisdom.
Proverbs 14:1 says, A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Sadly, there are many women destroying their marriages, and some don’t even know it.
On today’s episode, I’m sharing seven ways women destroy their marriages. Save your eye roll, because next week we’ll discuss seven ways men destroy their marriages. Are you ready for the list?
7 Ways Women Destroy their Marriages 1. UNDERMINING YOUR HUSBAND’S INTELLECT OR ABILITIES
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CONSTANTLY CHALLENGING YOUR HUSBAND, ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
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CORRECTING YOUR HUSBAND IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
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SHARING YOUR HUSBAND’S ISSUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS
You’ll have to listen to the rest of the episode to get the remaining three.
The good news is if you’re still married, you haven’t destroyed your marriage beyond repair. But don’t wait until divorce papers are being filed to reach out for help if you need to. As a marriage coach, I help couples who are struggling all the time. It’s never too early or too late to get help.
Can you think of other ways women destroy their marriages? I’d love to hear from you. Send me a message, and I’ll feature your response on my Instagram page.
Be sure to tune in next week to hear about the 7 ways men destroy their marriages!
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Stop Avoiding Conflict: Do this Instead(Communication 101 Series) Do you avoid conflict at all cost? Maybe you think conflict is a bad thing in relationships or that "good relationships" don't have conflict. Actually, the absence of conflict in a relationship doesn't mean it's healthy; it just means it's likely shallow. If you spend enough time with a person, conflict will inevitably happen.
On today's episode, I'm giving you five tips to stop avoiding conflict and what to do instead. It all starts with reframing the purpose of conflict. Have you ever wondered how can conflict actually serve your relationship? What can learn from it? How can it help you to grow?
You'll need to also be willing to shed some faulty definitions about conflict and peacemakers. If your goal is to just keep the peace, you will ignore problems, ignore your feelings, and ignore opportunities to actually connect deeper in your relationships.
Affirmations to Stop Avoiding Conflict We end the episode with three powerful affirmations you can say every day.
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I am worthy of being heard and respected.
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It's okay to feel how I feel. My feelings matter.
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Approaching this conflict is making me better.
Be sure to listen to the entire episode and if you're not also subscribed to the podcast, do that too!
Are we friends on Instagram? I've been posting fun (and funny), marriage/relationship-related reels at http://instagram.com/mrsdanache. Let's meet up over there!
Links Mentioned During this Episode: Episode 88: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Episode 90: How Men and Women Communicate Differently
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What I'm Not Saying: The Keys to Nonverbal Communication (Communication 101 Series) We all know actions speak louder than words, and this is true, too, for nonverbal communication. It's not what we say, but how we say it. Research shows that only 7% of all communication is verbal, while the other 93% has to do with our tone, volume, inflections, gestures, etc.
Sadly, most people don't prioritize the 93% of communication. Words do matter, of course, but what's behind the words matters more. In today's episode I share some practical tips to help you focus on your nonverbal communication and what these specific gestures communicate.
It'll be interesting to hear how a simple change in intentionality concerning your nonverbal cues will improve your relationship.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Ep. 89: 7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (Communication 101 Series)
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How Men and Women Communicate Differently (Communication 101 Series) - with Shaun Williams Men are from Mars; women are from Venus, they said. How we communicate can differ as men and women. However, I want to help you take your communication skills out of this world! I couldn't resist. Back by popular demand, we have special guest, Shaun Williams, my hubby of nearly 23 years, on the episode today. He is in rare form, and I think we spent a solid quarter of this episode in hysterics. His shenanigans were on full display. Hopefully, you'll still find tons of value of out today's show.
Is it really true that men and women communicate differently? Well, of course, some of these factors are generalizations, but the truth is, we are different. Men actually use different parts of their brain to communicate than women do. The science behind our differences is quite astounding. Add to that society's "norms," and you have yourself a recipe for a communication catastrophe. But it doesn't have to be this way.
I'm Different than You If we could understand and acknowledge that we are different than our spouses/partners and that one way of communicating isn't better or worse than the other, we'd be so much better. Truthfully, opposites do attract, and we are better together. Different isn't bad; it's just different. Part of the joy of marriage is learning to appreciate, respect, and honor those differences.
And the Winner Is . . . As promised, I announce the winner of our Podcast Review Contest on today's episode! THANK YOU to all who submitted a review. Reviews help others to find Real Relationship Talk and grow in their marriages and relationships. So, please, keep sharing, and keep the reviews coming in!
Other Resources Mentioned on this Episode:
7 Tips to Become a Better Listener
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7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (Communication 101 Series)
Do you listen to understand or to respond? Here’s the hard truth: most of us are not good listeners even though we think we are. In today’s episode, you’ll learn seven tips on becoming a better listener and the art of wholehearted communication. I’m super passionate about this topic, because I see communication gone wild all.of.the.time. The good news is with a few tweaks, anyone can become a better listener and have more mutually beneficial conversations with those they care about.
Psychology and Science Say You Don’t Listen Well Did you know that there are psychological and scientific reasons why we don’t listen well? First, our brains process what people are saying almost four times faster than the rate they’re saying it. This is why we finish each other’s sentences (and cut each other off). Listening is, indeed, an art. Secondly, our brains can’t handle too much information, so it begins to weed out what it deems unimportant or unneeded (like your spouse’s request for you to clean the gutters or pay off that credit card). But let’s not blame science. Let’s learn from it.
Become a Better Listener in 7 Ways I truly believe most of us have good intentions when it comes to listening. We just don’t complete the mission. In the podcast episode, I share seven practical tips to listening better, including listen with your eyes, listen without pre-conceived judgments, listen for the main point, listen to what’s actually being said (and what’s not being said) and more. If you follow these principles, you will notice a significant improvement in your relationships and marriage. Be sure to listen to all seven tips on the podcast.
And remember, you have one more week to enter the podcast review contest! The winner will be announced LIVE on the May 3rd episode! To enter:
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Listen to an episode
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Write a review on Apple Podcasts
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Email me to let me know you’ve submitted a review.
Find great listening exercises and more on hearing vs listening here.
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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships (Communication 101 Series)
Did you know there are four major communication problems that will wreck any relationship (also known as the four horsemen of the apocalypse)? These communication blunders are often practiced unbeknownst to the person. Thankfully, marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has discovered what these four communication problems are and solutions to help us learn how to communicate better.
On today’s episode we’re talking about these four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness,, and stonewalling. You might refer to the four horsemen as different names, but after listening to the episode, you’ll likely arrive at the same solution: they can’t remain in a healthy relationship. To help you destroy these four horsemen, I am sharing some antidotes or solutions that will allow you to practice better communication in your relationships.
This is one episode you’ll want to chew on a little bit. Don’t just listen and keep to business as usual. Which of these four horsemen do you identify with? How can you change your heart and your behavior in order to practice more effective ways of communicating? What’s really at the core of why you’re communicating this way? These are all heartfelt questions that I hope you’ll work through.
After you hear today’s episode, you’ll walk away with some practical tools to communicate better. I guarantee it. Share this episode with your spouse or loved one and see if you agree on what horseman (or multiple horsemen) have hijacked your relationship.
Remember, we are launching our Podcast Review Contest today! You can win a $50 Amazon gift certificate when you do the following:
- Listen to an episode
- Write a review on Apple Podcasts
- Email me to let me know you’ve submitted a review
The winner will be announced on the May 3rd episode!
Thanks in advance for your awesome review!
Resources and Links Mentioned During this Episode: 1. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 2. Real Relationship Talk Episode 86: It’s Not You; It’s Me (I Statements) 3. Real Relationship Talk Episode 87: The Silent Treatment vs Silence
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The Silent Treatment vs Silence (Communication 101 Series)
If you’re like me, you can give a good silent treatment. The problem, though, is that the silent treatment is a terrible method of communication. Whether you "go ghost" due to fear, being unheard, frustration, or manipulation, intentionally icing out your partner can cause major disconnection in your relationship. At best, it stalemates the conversation. At worst, it communicates that you do not care about your partner or his/her needs. But there is a better way.
Alternatives to the Silent Treatment In today’s episode, we talk about six alternatives to the silent treatment when attempting conflict resolution. Spoiler alert: one of these ways is to do a walk and talk. I love a good walk and talk. It lowers the temperature of the conversation in several ways. For starters, it allows you to have challenging conversations without staring into each other's eyes or intentionally diverting eye contact. When you're walking, you're usually looking straight ahead for the most part.
We also discuss whether the silent treatment can ever be beneficial. Also, is there a difference between silence and the silent treatment? If so, what is it?
I believe that silence can benefit your relationship and help with communication if you follow a few “rules.” For starters, you need to decide how long you’ll be silent. Also, what’s the purpose for your silence? Have you communicated this to your partner?
Be sure to listen to the full episodes to hear the remaining alternatives to the silent treatment. I hope you’ll practice these in your marriage or relationship as you continue to grow in your communication.
ALSO LISTEN TO EPISODE 86: IT'S NOT YOU; IT'S ME (I STATEMENTS)
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It's Not You, It's Me (Communication 101 Series) Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who constantly tells you all the things you're doing wrong instead of how they're actually feeling? No bueno, right? Most people have never learned the tools of good communication, so they do things like make accusations, abdicate responsibility for their feelings and/or choices, and incorrectly assign motive to their partner's behaviors. But, oh friends, there is much better way. Learning how to use "I statements" is not only effectively but gives your partner an inside look at the real you: what you're thinking and feeling.
"I Statements" Formula In today's episode, I am going to coach you on how to use a very simple four-part formula to communicate your feelings and needs. You will learn how to better use your words for more effective conversations. "I statements" have made such a difference in how I communicate not only with Shaun but with everyone! It's so freeing to not have to be the judge of every one's choices and motives. You should try it!
If you're already using "I statements," I'd love for you to share some of your powerful statements with us! Let us know in our Facebook group or email me !
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The Best Defense for Offense: Plus that Will Smith Slap! (Communication 101 Series) Do you find yourself getting offended easily or often? Today, I'm sharing six steps to help you avoid offense, plus we have to talk about the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap heard around the world! Here's the deal: Jesus, himself, said, "Offenses will surely come..." (Luke 17:1). BUT, we don't have to take offense. We can truly learn how to live unoffendable. Imagine not only saying "no offense," but actually living this way.
The Will Smith / Chris Rock Slap But first, that Will Smith slap! If you watched the Oscars (which, let's be honest, most of us didn't!), we heard about Will Smith slapping comedian Chris Rock clear across the face. I share my thoughts on that situation in this episode. But more importantly, I share how this situation helps us to ask one very important question of ourselves when we are offended.
Living Unoffendable I'd love to spell out all six ways to help you avoid offenses but I really want you to listen to the full episode, so I'll give you two. You'll have to listen to the full episode to get the other four:
- Don't assume the worst; believe the best
- Stop looking for offenses
Do you have other tips to help avoid offenses? We'd love for you to share them in our Facebook group.
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Preparing for Difficult Conversations (Communication 101 Series)
Do you struggle with starting difficult conversations in your relationships? It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you need to communicate a problem or an issue. But did you know that there are actually action items or steps you can take before the conversation that can help steer you in the right direction and make your conversations more successful?
In today’s episode, I am sharing four ways to prep for difficult conversations. Be sure to listen to the full episode to get the “sauce” on these four tips.
Tip 1 - What’s your purpose?
Tip 2 - Timing matters
Tip 3 - Have a singular goal
Tip 4 - Pray
This prep work is intentional but it doesn’t have to be intensive or time-consuming. Once you begin to build this new rhythm into your communication, you will notice a major difference in the outcome of these conversations. Sadly, many people don’t think (or prepare) before they speak. They just spew, but that doesn’t have to be you!
You can decide to be a better communicator and a better partner by simply applying these four tips on the front end of your conflict conversations.
Need more coaching tips? Schedule a free discovery coaching call with me today at http://danache.com/coaching.
ALSO READ: 20 TIPS FOR CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS
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A Marriage Restored After Divorce, Drugs, & Deconstruction - with “Out of the Dust’s” Chris & Steph Teague
Not many marriages recover from the depths of drugs, deconstruction, and divorce, but that’s exactly what happened to our guests, Chris & Steph Teague, from Out of the Dust music. Not only did the Teague’s experience the loss of their marriage but also a loss of Chris’s faith. These former high school sweethearts never imagined a reconciliation was possible, but then, the miraculous happened.
Come hear about how God turned Chris and Steph’s lives completely around as they share openly and vulnerably about the darkest time in their lives. This episode is sure to bring hope to hopeless marriages and situations.
And as a special bonus, we’ve interwoven snippets of their newest album, The After, into the podcast. If you think their story is beautiful, just wait until you hear their music!
If God did it before, he can do it again.
It was an absolute honor interviewing these two.
Learn more about Chris & Steph and hear Out of the Dust’s music at http://outofthedustmusic.com.
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5 Signs You're Doing Relationships Right We often focus on what's wrong in our relationships and marriages, but in this episode, I'm giving ya'll kudos for doing relationships right. How do you know if you're on the right track in your relationship? Hint, hint, most of these signs start with the mind. What do you really believe about yourself? Your partner? How do you view him or her? What do you focus on?
You'll have to listen to the full episode to get the rundown on all five signs, but they include practices like being secure in who you are, keeping short accounts (yeah, that's a big one!), and keeping hope alive in the face of disappointments.
Here's the deal . . . every relationship and EVERY marriage will hit turbulence at times. That doesn't mean your relationship is unhealthy. It just means you have work to do. The foundation of this podcast is to help couples to really think about the actual structure of their marriage or relationship. This is heart work, ya'll!
I'd love to hear from you! What are some more signs that people are doing relationships right? Share them with me on Instagram or Facebook!
The Female Orgasm: Get'n Real - with Julie Sibert Listen, these days, there’s a lot of faking it going on when it comes to women having orgasms. But let’s get real. My guest, intimacy expert Julie Sibert, and I are answering your questions and demystifying the important yet often overlooked female orgasm. The truth is there are many women who have never, and I do repeat, never experienced an orgasm. There are also women who “fake it til they make it.” But these situations are living below the pleasure potential that married sex provides.
Learning to Communicate Your Needs Julie shares her journey in learning to openly communicate her sexual needs and desires with her husband and how that intentionality revolutionized her sex life. She also discusses ways that women can take the initial step from awkward conversations in order to help her husband learn her body and how she would like to receive pleasure.
Talking about sex in an honest yet wholesome way is crucial for wholehearted marriages. We have got to get over the shame, stigma, and fear of “going there” in these conversations. Orgasms are a part of sex, and not just for the man. Need I repeat? If you are a husband, and your wife is not consistently experiencing orgasms, it’s time for you to re-evaluate. Married and dare I say, Christian married sex, needs to be mutually beneficial.
Around the 14 minute mark, Julie discusses how faking orgasms brings a lie into your marriage. That one statement is worth an offering. I’m serious. You’ve got to listen to the full episode!
Our hope is that after listening to today’s episode, you never experience boring sex again. Not every encounter has to end with utter euphoria, but both spouses should give and receive sexual pleasure on a consistent basis.
Want to listen to more wholesome advice on married sex? Be sure to listen to the entire Shameless Sex Series on the podcast, especially these:
Episode 76: 8 REASONS WHY WOMEN WON’T INITIATE SEX (SHAMELESS SEX SERIES)
Episode 77: HOW TO HAVE NON-AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE – WITH SHAUN WILLIAMS (SHAMELESS SEX SERIES).
Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn more about Julie and Intimacy in Marriage.
Jumpstart Your Intimacy: A Video Series for Wives
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Feelings Aren't Forever Are you "feeling some kind of way?" While we all feel the feels from time to time, we can't be ruled by our feelings. In marriage and relationships, feelings are fickle. Feelings aren't forever. They come and they go. As a matter of fact, feelings are meant to be a gauge not a guide. They're indicators not instructions. This is why we should never make major decisions solely based on how we feel.
I've seen many marriages end because one or both partners were feeling some kind of way about each other and about the fate of their relationship. Nothing pains my heart more than to see people let go of their potential due to a short-lived season of flawed feelings. While we should all be in touch with our emotions, we need to remember that we control our feelings. They don't control us.
In today's episode, I share some powerful truths to combat the feelings fiasco and help you to make solid decisions in spite of how you feel. You're going to want to listen to the entire episode.
Our podcast downloads are way up! Thanks so much to all of you who subscribe to the podcast and share these episodes. You're making a difference in the lives of future listeners! Let's keep it going!
And check out this helpful blog post I wrote on "In My Feelings." You can find it here.
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It Will Work If You Work It
If you want your marriage to work, you have to work it. I know that seems too simple, but the truth is a thriving marriage takes effort. If we want to succeed in anything in life, we have to be intentional and put in the effort. Nothing worth having comes easy. We all know that. So why, then, do we fail to realize this in our marriages?
Today, I’m sharing five ways to be intentional and actually put that effort into your marriage.
- You have to have a purpose for your marriage. If you don’t know the purpose of a thing, you will abuse it. What is the purpose of your marriage?
- You need to learn yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you tick? Do you actually know yourself? If not, it will be difficult for you to know your spouse.
- You need to learn your spouse. We aren’t the same people we were when we got married. If you think, “I know my spouse already,” you’ll setting yourself up for failure. Keep learning. Stay curious.
- Decide on marriage goals. #marriagegoals is a popular hashtag, but it has to be more than that if you want your marriage to succeed. What are some goals you can accomplish together as a couple?
- Get feedback. When we want to improve, it’s crucial that we elicit feedback from others better than we are. Ask your spouse. Ask a mentor couple. Again, keep learning and keep growing.
The universal language of love is effort. So, put in the effort! If you work your marriage, your marriage will work!
Links Mentioned in this Episode 8 Reasons Women Won’t Initiate Sex - Episode 76
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The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction & Masturbation - with Shawn Bonneteau (Shameless Sex Series) Erectile dysfunction is one of those secret symptoms men don't like to talk about when it comes to their sexual health. However, statistics show that 1 in 3 men under the age of 40 experience erectile dysfunction (ED), and the vast majority of these men are or have been addicted to pornography.
But porn isn't the only cause of ED. We've been taught that erectile dysfunction is a medical problem, and though it can be, there are other factors. Psychological issues and past trauma can also be contributing factors of erectile dysfunction, according to my guest, Shawn Bonneteau. As a certified professional mentor who's helped countless men overcome pornography addiction and ED and armed with his own personal journey with both, Shawn sheds light on what the little blue pill won't help with.
Throughout our conversation, we also talk about masturbation and how it affects women and men. This is one conversation you're going to want to listen to multiple times. Grab something to take notes with and listen to this powerful conversation!
Learn more about Shawn and his wife Helena's coaching at https://secrethabit.ca.
Links Mentioned in this Episode The Overcoming ED Mini Course
The Secret Habit Podcast
Real Relationship Talk - Ep. 70 - Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life - with Sathiya Sam
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How to Have Non-Awkward Conversations About Sex with Your Spouse - with Shaun Williams (Shameless Sex Series) My hubby Shaun is our guest today, and we're talking about how to broach the conversation of unmet desires, fantasies, and unrealized hopes concerning sex in your marriage. This is one episode you'll want to hear especially if talking about sex makes you squeemish or triggers feelings of embarrasment, shame, or even pain. The truth is talking with your spouse about sex should be normal. Somehow, society has made it weird. How should you start? When should these conversations take place? What does it mean for Christian spouses to embrace their sexuality? What if talking about your sex life makes you more insecure? Shaun and I tackle all these hesitations and more in today's show. Plus, hear a listener's question in our Q & A with Dana Che segment concerning a previous episode on why married sex is the best sex.
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8 Reasons Why Women Won’t Initiate Sex (Shameless Sex Series)
If you’re a woman who struggles with initiating sex, a man wondering why your wife won’t initiate, today’s show is just for you. A common sexual issue in many relationships is a difference in sex drives. Generally speaking, men seem to have a higher sex drive and initiate sex more often than women do. But why? Is it truly the way they were created? I think not. On the podcast, I share eight reasons I believe many women struggle when it comes to initiating sex.
1 – Women have been socially and even spiritually conditioned to believe that “good girls” don’t like sex or that ladies do not pursue. This is a sad reality that has caused sexually-driven women to feel confused or ashamed.
2 – She might feel awkward initiating sex, because she doesn’t know how. If a woman has been fed faulty messages concerning her sexuality and wasn’t sexually active prior to marriage, she might not know what to do.
3 – Women may struggle with a fear of rejection. No one wants to make a move and be rejected. So instead of trying, she may decide to just allow things to happen “if they happen.”
4 – She may be too tired. I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but it’s often true. There is so much pressure on women to be domesticated divas, at the top of her game at work, mommy of the year, and then she has to be “Ready Betty” at night. It’s a lot to keep up with!
You’ll have to listen to the full episode to get the other four reasons why women won’t initiate sex. And after you do, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to add to this list by writing a comment in the show notes of this episode.
And as a bonus, I also share four easy ways for women to initiate sex. Hint, all of these ways are practical and simple. Even the shyest wife can do these!
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Real Relationship Talk – Episode 27: Lopsided Libidos – How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
Real Relationship Talk – Episode 75: Why Married Sex is the Best Sex
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7 Reasons Married Sex is the Best Sex (Shameless Sex Series) Sex outside of marriage is touted as the norm or ideal sex, but today’s episode covers reasons why married sex is actually the best sex.
The Bible has a lot to say about sex, and some people don’t understand why. Some wonder does God really care what people do behind closed doors. Well, my friends, the answer is yes. One of the best explanations of this can be found in I Corinthians 6:18-20. I love how the Message translation puts it:
There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
IMO (in my opinion), that’s all the reason we need. Still, there are some who don’t esteem God’s words in the same way that I do, so I give six (well, actually there’s an additional bonus reason included) ways why married sex is the best sex.
Maybe you have additional reasons you’d like to add to our list. If so, feel free to email info at danache.com and share your nuggets of wisdom!
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The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture: Five #Facts (Shameless Sex Series)
Society seems obsessed with free sex. The hookup culture is alive and well, and it’s not just millennials or Gen-Zers engaging in sex on demand. In today’s episode, I’m giving you 5 reasons the hookup culture is no bueno and 5 practical steps to exit right out of it.
Many of us have been sold a lie that in order to embrace our sexuality, we need to be “sexually free,” or promiscuous, for lack of a better word. There are no rules, right? Do whatever pleases your fancy. The truth is the hookup culture has caused more pain, heartache, and loss than it’s worth. Whether or not you are a Christian, there are many reasons why the hookup culture isn’t a great idea. These reasons range from scientific reasons to spiritual reasons.
Here are a few (You’ll have to listen to the full episode to hear them all):
Risks of Premarital Sex 1. The hookup culture is responsible for a higher divorce rate. 2. The hookup culture is responsible for fake intimacy (This is really important. Please listen around the 13:12 mark.) 3. The hookup culture hinders commitment.
I go into much detail on these three and two additional “risks” of premarital or extramarital sex. But let’s not just talk risks . . . let’s talk about real, practical steps people can take when trying to turn their sexual lives around.
Practical Steps to Exit the Hookup Culture 1. Decide to become accountable to yourself. Real accountability is an inside job first. 2. DO NOT rush into marriage. This might sound counterintuitive coming from a pastor and marriage coach. But trust me, marriage will not solve your self-control issues. 3. Watch what you watch. This is another very important simple step in the right direction.
To hear the additional two tips for exiting the hookup culture, be sure to listen to the full podcast.
Remember, we are invited to live in freedom, but sexual freedom is not what our culture teaches us it is. The apostle Paul writes in Galatians 5:13, For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love (NLT).
Other Helpful Resources:
Web MD – Benefits in Delaying Sex Until Marriage
Why Premarital Sex is a Bad Idea
Need Relationship or Marriage Coaching?
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Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage Proverbs 31 Founder Lysa TerKeurst announced this week that she was divorcing her husband of nearly 30 years due to his repeated patterns of behavior that have violated their marriage (i.e. infidelity). This statement isn't new to Lysa; she made a very similar statement in 2017 when Art, her husband, was caught in adultery. However, the TerKeursts walked through a journey of repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and renewed their vows in 2017. Sadly, it appears Art returned to his cycle of destruction and now their marriage is irretrievably broken.
There are some lessons we can learn from why Lysa's decision to end her marriage, which I share plainly in this episode, along with her official statement.
If your marriage is suffering from adultery, or if it ever has . . . heck, if you don't want your marriage to experience infidelity, you need to listen to the full episode.
Learn more about how to protect your marriage by downloading my free e-book 5 Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life at http://relationshipmistakes.co.
Best of 2021: Year in Review
Oh, what a year! There have been highs and lows, but we brought the best of the best with this top 10 countdown of our most popular episodes of the year. Counting down from the tenth most downloaded episode to the number one most downloaded show was a sweet trip for me down memory lane. I’m sure these shows are some of your faves as well. Be sure to listen to today’s episode for my commentary on the significance of each show.
Top 10 Relationship Podcast Episodes in 2021
10 – Episode 69: Oral Sex: Oh My! (Shameless Sex Series)
9 – Episode 55: How to Get Over an Argument Quickly (Young & Married Series)*
9 – Episode 25: Lies Women Believe about Sex – with Molly Moses (All About Sex Series)*
*Episode 55 & Episode 25 tied for the #9 spot.
8 – Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage – with Jenard Moore (Young & Married Series)
7 – Episode 27: Lopsided Libido: How to Deal with Different Sex Drives (All About Sex Series)
6 – Episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy – Redefining Sex – with Sheila Wray-Gregoire (All About Sex Series)
5 – Episode 41: When Life Falls Apart: Unearthing Treasure in the Unexpected – with Hallie Lord (Hope Series)
4- Episode 26: Making Love Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)
3 – Episode 36: How Guys Think: A Single Man Bares All – with Avery Martin (Single AF Series)
2 – Episode 40: Dealing with Disappointments (Hope Series)
1 – Episode 49: 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs (Young & Married Series)
I hope you enjoy listening (or re-listening) to these episodes! And tell me, what was your favorite episode or episodes from the podcast?
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A Very Sexy C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S (Shameless Sex Series)
Christmas is right around the corner, and we’re celebrating by sharing these sexy Christmas tactics to help you and your boo have the sexiest Christmas ever! These practices are also good for the other 364 days of the year, of course. However, in the hustle and bustle of buying gifts, decorations, hosting and attending Christmas parties, etc., it’s easy to lose sight of our most important relationship. I’m sharing nine ways for you to focus on your spouse this Christmas and re-energize your sex life.
Because I’ve always loved a good acronym, I’m giving you a gift of a beautifully illustrated acronym for the word Christmas. Each letter represents an important “must-have” sex tactic to help refresh and renew your sexual connection.
The following acronym will help you have a better sex life if it is:
C-ommitted
H-oly
R-espectful
I-ntentional
S-pontaneous
T-imely
M-eaningful
A-dventurous
S-exy
Now, you’ve got to listen to the full episode (it’s a short one today!) to hear all the goods. Maybe you could add to this list or even come up with your own acronym! I’d love to hear it.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Episode 9: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage with Less Talking
- Episode 70: Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life? With Sathiya Sam (Shameless Sex Series)
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life? Do you watch porn or wonder if it can improve your sex life? Today, our guest, Sathiya Sam, shares some shocking revelations about porn and its effects in marriage and life in general. You may not know, but the average age of porn exposure is 11 years old. #LetThatSinkIn. Also, I share my own story of my introduction to porn and my not-so-great response years later when I found my kids had also discovered it.
Here’s the truth. Porn can be a shameful vice. This podcast series is on shameless sex, so having this conversation is necessary for couples who are wondering if watching porn can actually enhance their sex lives. It’s a valid question for many, and Sathiya shares some valid stats with us on porn’s actual effects in our relationships. First, he shares his own personal journey with pornography, saying, “Porn was my reward and my relief at the end of the day.” It didn’t start as an addiction for this pastor’s kid who knew right from wrong, but rather, like most vices, was a gradual process.
More than behavior modification, those who want to walk away from porn need something more. They need to be set free of the shame that feeds the cycle of porn, and they need to be able to have honest and SAFE conversations with people who are in their corner who can help. Here’s the thing . . . [SPOILER ALERT]: Porn may start off as a thrilling experience in your sex life, but it almost never lasts. It causes more devastation than it’s worth, and it robs you of the true intimacy you’re after. There is a better way to better intimacy, which I share here.
Learn more about Sathiya and his new book The Last Relapse (out on 2/2/22) and download your free resource “The Ultimate Recovery Guide” using the links below.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Unleash the Man Within Podcast
Sathiya’s Ultimate Recovery Guide
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Oral Sex: Oh My! (Shameless Sex Series)
We're diving deep and talking about oral sex and all its wonders. Grab your spouse and listen in as we debunk some myths about oral sex. Plus, you’ll never look at one particular Bible hero the same! It’s all here as the inaugural episode in our shameless sex series, dedicated to helping you recover the beauty of being “naked and unashamed.”
Check out these interesting articles on my “bonus content” at the end of the show:
https://www.premierchristianity.com/home/bible-stories-uncensored-ruth-the-maneater/1011.article
https://ymi.today/2020/04/does-the-end-truly-justify-the-means/
And for the nitty-gritty techniques of marital sex, visit http://themarriagebed.com.
Finally, check out episode 23 and episode 25 (what the church forgot to teach us about sex and lies women believe about sex, respectively) to continue the conversation.
Let’s stay connected:
On Facebook: @therealrelationshiptalk
On Instagram: @danachewilliams
On YouTube: @danacheunlimited
Real Relationship Talk is a marriage and relationship podcast that helps couples build better relationships by having honest conversations about sex, marriage, commitment, and lasting love. Hosted by marriage coach Dana Che Williams, the podcast is challenging yet conversational and tackles real issues real couples are facing in an encouraging, often humorous, and authentic way. Dana Che and her hubby, Shaun, live in Virginia Beach, have been married for over 22 years, and have four children.
Need marriage or relationship coaching? Visit http://danache.com.
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast on whatever platform you're listening to!
Forget Compatibility! Great Relationships Require Intentionality - with Dr. Joli Hamilton - Part 2 Everyone wants to find someone they’re compatible with, but what if we’re looking at this the wrong way? Dr. Joli Hamilton is our guest for part two of this conversation. Do opposites really attract? Is it true that we create our compatibility? And if so, how does intentionality play a role? The truth is, we are different. And when you decide that being different is not only okay but preferred, you’ll unlock another dimension in your relationship.
You can’t force your partner to be the same as you. Love is about flourishing and growing and being who you were meant to be. Sadly, Dr. Hamilton reminds us, that often the things you wish you could project on your partner or spouse are the things you wish you could own about your own life. That is a deep revelation! What have you been disowning about yourself that you need to reclaim? Own it. Don’t ask your partner to take on these things.
High Functioning Couples Joli and I also discussed the roles in high functioning couples. Often, power struggles occur because of a lack of intentionality in conversations and structure. “Some people think relationships should be really easy or really hard, and these two people are usually married to each other,” says Dr. Hamilton. That’s going on Instagram today!
Have a Vision for Your Marriage/Relationship The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint” (Proverbs 29:18). Having a vision (or purpose statement, as Joli calls it), is vital to a healthy relationship. Without knowing where you’re headed, you’re bound to run around in circles, get frustrated, and ultimately “cast off restraint.” Another way to say this is that you’ll lose the fight for your relationship. You might stay together, but you’ll be distant at best. So, create a purpose or vision statement today.
At the end of the day, when you’re ready to up-level your relationship, all it takes is deciding. “Love is a learnable skillset,” Joli says. Stop groping around in the dark and decide to create compatibility by intentionality.
Be sure to listen to the full episode by clicking the episode link.
Links Mentioned in this Episode * Get real with The Curiosity Date
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Get Joli’s book: Project Relationship: The Entrepreneurs Action Plan for Passionate, Sustainable Love
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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Growing Together While Staying True to You – with Dr. Joli Hamilton
Growing together in relationships is critical to its success. Today, we are joined by psychologist Dr. Joli Hamilton who shares the importance of unmasking (being the real you) while also striving to grow together in your relationship. Joli and I do not share the same beliefs when it comes to certain major aspects of relationships, yet I hope you can see this conversation as a model on how to find common ground on the things you do agree on while still remaining open to learn new methods of relating to others. It’s good stuff!
I started the interview by asking Joli, “Do you believe there’s a special person out here for someone?” Her answer will make you pause and think.
We also discussed why growth is an important concept for us to understand in relationships. We are meant to help one another grow together. Relationships tend to bring out our real selves, but sadly, instead of owning our part, many of us we blame our partner, when all they’re doing is holding a mirror up to what’s really going on inside of us. #thatpart
Some other nuggets from Joli: ‘Be more interested in each other’s growth than your own comfort.”
“Love is about knowing someone completely and being fully known.”
“Some couples practice not feeling their life.” (Whoo lord! That was deep!)
And then Joli talked about a concept called “Individuation.” I just like the sound of the word, but the concept is also an important one.
This episode was full of so much gold that I split it into part one and part two. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.
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Until Death Do Us Part (Marriage Vows Series)
If I had to vote on the most important phrase of the marriage vows, it’d be “until death do us part.” In today’s episode, we are discussing the final phrase of the traditional marriage vows, capping off our 10-part series where we have dissected the wedding vows phrase by phrase. Marriage is sacred, yes. And it is meant to last forever. That word forever means f-o-r-e-v-e-r. It is not temporary. It is not until your “love” wears out. Marriage is a lifetime business.
Today, we’re discussing the meaning and weight behind these powerful five words. The words that literally mean life or death. In our throwaway culture, forever can seem like a suggestion. But to God, it was anything but. Take a listen to the full episode and be challenged to shore up your conviction on what forever is all about.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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Want Dana to Coach Your Marriage?
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Forsaking All Others (Marriage Vows Series) – with Shaun Williams
Part of the wedding vows that can get a little sticky is the whole “forsaking all others” part. What does that mean? Can married people really not have friends? That’s not how I read it. I do, however, believe that once you’re married, all other people have to take a backseat to the marriage bond (oneness) you are trying to create. If there’s a friend (platonic or not) that is threatening your union, they’ve gotta go. Kids? Give ‘em the ax! Well, maybe not technically, but if you have kids, you know they will try to come in between your marriage. Don’t let them. Co-workers, best friends, parents, etc., all these relationships have to be re-evaluated. Now, while I don’t believe in isolating yourself as a married couple, I do believe in using wisdom and communication to know how best to “re-categorize” some folks in your life once you get married.
Real and Raw Today’s episode was real and raw, and if I think about it long enough, a tad embarrassing, because Shaun and I had a little argument on the podcast. Yep, I kept it in there, so don’t judge us. This information will be used for training purposes. Anyway, I’d love to hear your take on what does it mean to “forsake all others” in your marriage? How have you done this well, and how have you messed up? If we can be real, so can you.
This is a worthy conversation that many married couples are simply not having. Yet, they should. Communicate your needs, desires, and even fears about your spouse’s relationships with others outside your marriage.
I want to make something clear: you should retain autonomy of yourself in whatever relationship you’re in. This isn’t some weird, cultish “lose yourself” teaching. You are a unique individual and will always be, but remember the purpose of marriage is oneness.
Okay, that’s all the teasers I’m going to give you. You have to listen to the full episode to get the rest of the goods.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
- Want Dana to Coach Your Marriage?
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In Sickness and In Health (Marriage Vows Series)- with Chris and Tamara Satterfield My cousins, the Satterfields, who are battling cancer and heart issues in their young marriage join us today as we discuss "in sickness and in health." As we continue in our marriage vows series, we'll discuss what happens when a spouse becomes very ill. Sadly, serious illness is a contributor to divorce in many marriages, believe it or not. When spouses should normally draw closer together in unity to overcome illness, not all couples find the strength or will to do this.
By committing to love your spouse whether they're in good health or if they fall ill, you are vowing your unconditional love and support to him/her. Too often, couples breeze through their wedding vows without really giving thought to what they're committing to. Tamara and Chris Satterfield share very openly about their battle with cancer and heart health issues in their marriage. They talk about the highs and lows of marriage in this season and the importance of grace, empathy, and communication.
Join the conversation!
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
- More ways to show honor in your marriage
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
[Sweet Repeat]: How Passivity & Apathy are Silently Killing Your Marriage This episode is a "sweet repeat" of Episode 11 of the Relationship Mistakes series where my husband, Shaun, and I discuss some of the silent killers of relationships. Apathy, or the "I don't care" mentality is wreaking havoc in marriages. If you or your spouse are passive, constantly disappointed, or are growing cold in your relationship, this episode is for you.
Click here for the show notes of the original podcast episode.
For Richer For Poorer (Marriage Vows Series)
As we continue our marriage vows series, it’s time we talk about money in marriage. Specifically, how we can create a financial plan that will increase communication and decrease conflict. Today, my friend, Dr. Michelle Lappin, a certified wealth coach with Dave Ramsey, is our guest on the podcast. She gives very practical advice on how to have conversations about money, how to start saving, and when you should invest in more riskier avenues like the stock market.
Did you know that financial problems account for an overwhelming majority of divorces? The need for honest and open communication about money is urgent. Michelle’s goal is to help people to create a healthier mindset when it comes to finances. My goal is to help couples build healthier relationships. Together, we are going to help you overcome your money challenges. Typically, couples repeat whatever patterns they observed in their families of origin. This can lead to major problems in their marriages if both spouses aren’t on the same page. Join the conversation and take away some practical tips that will help you to overcome financial challenges and truly create wealth in your marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
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Learn More About Dr. Michelle Lappin’s Financial & Wealth Programs
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
How to Have an Honoring Marriage (Marriage Vows Series)
As a marriage coach, I notice how many marriages are devoid of an essential ingredient: honor. Most of these couples are experiencing conflict in their relationship, but few realize the conflict often stems from a lack of honor. In today’s episode, we are going to discuss what it means to have an honoring marriage. I share several practical ways of how to have an honoring marriage that we all can do.
But first, we discuss what is honor anyway?
In its most simplistic terms, honor can be defined as thinking highly of and showing high regard for someone or something. It’s recognizing the importance or someone or something. When we show honor to our spouse, we value them, their perspective, their opinions, etc.
Practical Ways to Show Honor One of my favorite Scriptures on showing honor is Philippians 2:3-4: Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity. Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves. 4 Abandon every display of selfishness. Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests.
Honor, you see, is esteeming others above ourselves. It’s quite simple (not always easy) to do this in marriage. Here are some tips I shared on the show:
- Encourage your spouse.
- Call them up higher.
- Respect your spouse’s opinion(s), especially when you disagree.
- Speak well of your spouse in private and in public.
- Prioritize what’s important to your spouse.
Be sure to listen the full episode below and let me know how you’d add to this list.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
- More ways to show honor in your marriage
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
For Better For Worse (Marriage Vows Series)
One of the most powerful phrases in the wedding vows is “for better for worse,” and yet, people don’t always take this covenant seriously. Maybe you’re on the brink of divorce and need an encouraging word today. This episode will not shame you or put you on a guilt trip. It’s intended to bring you hope (and yes, it is a bit challenging, but you can handle it). I want you to go back to before you said “forever.” What did for better or for worse look like to you?
The late Doug Larsen famously said, “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” It’s so true. Don’t count yourself or your spouse out just yet. It’s always darkest before the dawn.
I do, however, believe there are times when divorce is inevitable or at least understandable. I call these reasons the “3 A’s.” I also blogged about this back in 2019.
Also Read: When to Divorce
When is Divorce Okay?
- Abuse
- Affair(s)
- Abandonment
Because I go into great detail on the podcast and in the article above, I won’t go into detail here, but there is a biblical reason for my understanding. I’d love to hear your take.
No matter how dark your situation seems, I do believe that God is still in the resurrecting business. Maybe your marriage is about to experience “for better” even if you are facing “for worse.” Be encouraged!
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
To Have and to Hold (Marriage Vows)
One of the most misunderstood phrases in the marriage vows is “to have and to hold.” This statement is more powerful than many realize. So what does it mean exactly? Today’s episode explores one of the most important facets of a healthy marriage. To be honest, I didn’t really take this phrase seriously when I got married. Many couples don’t. The wedding vows, in general, can often be just another part of the ceremony that doesn’t get much attention. However, in making a lifelong commitment to someone, every word should be taken seriously. There should be a weightiness, if you will, to our words.
In a nutshell, to have and to hold is all about our sexual intimacy. Too many couples are struggling in this area unnecessarily. That’s why I’m giving you four easy-to-remember tips to jump start or restart your sex life.
4 Keys to Jump Start or Restart Your Sex Life
- Be intentional
- Be interested
- Be inventive
- Be intimate
Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear additional tips on these four points and more!
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
The Financial & Legal Benefits of Marriage (Marriage Vows Series)
“Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” On today’s episode, we’re talking about the financial and legal benefits of being married. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper. However, that little piece of paper is extremely valuable and comes with rewards, responsibilities and yes, even risks. We’ll talk about many of them and debunk some myths about common law marriage and states rights.
But first, a refresher. I’m including the traditional marriage vows for you to ponder below:
I, _______, take thee, _______, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and OBEY, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law.
Being Married Comes with Benefits
If you’re married, you know that being married comes with many benefits, and let’s not overlook some of the more “non-romantic” benefits it includes like the financial and even legal benefits. On the show I include some well-known and even some lesser-known rewards of being married. And to keep it fair, I also discuss some of the risks involved with being married.
Take a listen to the full episode and let me know what other financial and legal benefits we can add to this list.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class
- Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
How Are Marriage Vows Sacred? (Marriage Vows Series)
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in the sight of God . . . Today we’re diving into the weight of our marriage vows. Too often the wedding vows are treated as an afterthought for many couples. Some don’t even remember what they said on their special day. I want couples to go from reciting rote rituals to pronouncing passionate promises.
We’re launching a new season and a new series on the podcast today that will focus on each aspect of the marriage vows. I’ll be bringing some special guests along for our journey. I know you’re going to find incredible value from what they have to share.
Traditional or Non-Traditional Wedding Vows To lay a foundation, I’m including the traditional marriage vows below:
I, _______, take thee, _______, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and OBEY, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law.
Now most 21st century women would rather choke on pudding than say the words “obey.” This is my story, and I’m sticking to it. Respect, yes. Obey? Nah.
Still, many couples opt to write non-traditional vows or (gasp!) leave the vows out altogether. I share my thoughts on this in the episode, so be sure to listen to the full episode (it’s a short one!) and get excited as we break down each part of the marriage vows in the episodes to come.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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History of Wedding Vows article
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Why Should I Get Premarital Coaching? (Young & Married Series)
A few years ago, I ran into an old friend who was recently engaged and about to get married. I immediately asked her who was doing her premarital counseling, and she just gave me a blank stare. Then she slowly said, “We aren’t getting premarital counseling, because we don’t want to open up a can of worms.” To my surprise and utter bewilderment, I responded, “Honey, you can either open the can of worms in premarital coaching or the can of worms will burst open during your marriage.”
Too often, couples have rose-colored glasses on when it comes to marriage and, instead of diligently doing the work of marriage, they choose to spend all their energies on the wedding and the festivities that surround that one day. I think this is a huge mistake. We’d never buy a car without first doing our research and checking its history. Nor would we invest in a home or even daycare for that matter without finding out all we can about the home or organization.
How much more diligent should we be about our marriage?
Reasons Couples Choose Not to do Premarital Counseling
Some couples think “love conquers all,” and that as long as they love each other, they’ll be fine. But all it takes is a brief look at the millions of couples who divorce each year who really loved (and often still love) each other. Love is wonderful. It’s necessary. But it’s not enough. Marriage takes commitment, time, trust, selflessness, and a lot more in order to work.
Other couples have this notion that their problems “won’t be that bad,” and that as long as they believe for the best, they can overcome any problem they’ll face. While I applaud the obvious optimism here, I must say that the best defense is a good offense. You don’t learn to play the game of marriage once you’re married. You prepare for a great marriage before you get married.
Thirdly, some couples have bought into the notion of “you complete me.” That makes for a good movie line, but not so great for a life principle. Marriage isn’t about completing you. It’s about discipling you, to be honest. We’ve heard it said that “most people don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan.” True that.
What to Expect in Premarital Coaching
A good premarital coach is one who can see the big picture and help couples attack the warning signs in their relationship. In premarital counseling (coaching), couples will be asked probing questions, discuss their families of origin, talk about emotional triggers, and current problems the relationship is having.
Premarital coaching prepares couples to attack (not ignore) their issues. Pastors can provide a wealth of wisdom when it comes to the spiritual ramifications of marriage. However, not all pastors are good counselors. Marriage coaches, on the other hand, are specifically trained in all matters of healthy relationships. But not all marriage coaches will help you to understand the spiritual implications of the marriage covenant. Both are needed, and if you have a pastor and marriage coach, all the better!
This is one episode you need to share with anyone you know who is engaged to be married or about to become engaged.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
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Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class
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Episode 55: How to Get Out of An Argument
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How to Get Over an Argument Quickly (Young & Married Series)
If you’ve been married longer than 20 minutes, you’ve likely had an argument or two. The key to resolving conflict isn’t avoiding it but approaching it with a new perspective. In today’s episode, I’m giving you five takeaways for conflict resolution that will help you to get over your disagreements quicker.
- Focus on the Issue at Hand
So often, we get off on tangents, and instead of resolving the original conflict, we actually create more conflict because we haven’t learned how to focus on the issue at hand.
- Ask, don’t accuse
You can win more arguments by asking rather than accusing. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions, and by all means, don’t make rash accusations. I give a big coaching tip in this part of the podcast about making the “right” statements.
- Have a resolution in mind
What’s your end goal? How will engaging in this conversation (or disagreement) help to better your relationship? Is this a conversation that needs to happen or can you jot down your frustrations in a journal? Seriously, what’s the point of the conversation?
- Don’t let the conflict linger
If you feel things getting out of hand and you need to take a break, take a break, but come back! Don’t allow the conflict to linger on and on with no real resolution. I also talk about forgiveness here and how forgiveness plays out without you saying a word.
- Don’t hit below the belt.
I wish I didn’t have to explain this one, but oftentimes, in arguments, couples tend to say hurtful things that they can never get back. Be careful of your words, because contrary to popular thought, “Words do wound.”
You’ve got to listen to the full episode to get the full gist of today’s conversation. This might be one episode you want to bookmark to come back to later, and if your spouse is willing, listen to this episode with him/her! Remember that conflict does not destroy relationships; unresolved conflict does. So make a decision today to get over your arguments quickly to avoid conflict ruining your marriage.
Quotes mentioned in this episode: “Conflict cannot survive without your participation. - Wayne Dyer
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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BONUS LINK: Setting Realistic Expectations in Your Marriage with Jenard Moore
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Ep. 54 - It’s Our Anniversary! Let's Celebrate
Marriages and relationships have been restored, new friendships have been made, and lives have been changed across 33 countries and more! I can hardly believe a year has gone by already! Our marriage podcast is growing and going thanks to you! Come along on today’s episode as we do a fantabulous year-in-review! Listen as I share some of the highlights of the past year, including favorite episodes, most talked about guests, and what’s in store for Real Relationship Talk as we enter into year two.
This special edition episode had me gleaming and beaming. Can I just say we have not missed one week of the podcast! Glory to God. Every single week we have brought you amazing guests, relevant relationship topics, and questions from our listeners. It has been such an honor to host this show. I am already working on some new things to continue to bring you my best.
Some of our highest talked about episodes include:
Episode 13 – The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
Episode 2 – Overcoming Infidelity in Marriage – with Dr. Cyrus Williams
Episode 3 – Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Us – with Shaun Williams
Episode 26 – Making Love Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams
I feel like we’ve only just begun! THANK YOU to those who have reviewed us on Apple Podcasts! Your recommendations go a long way! Please consider writing a review to help us reach more people with this message of hope.
Links Mentioned in this Episode * Sign up for my Wife Life group coaching class * Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community! * Get my e-book The 5 Relationships that are Wrecking Your Life for FREE
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Is This All There Is? (Young and Married Series)
I don’t know about you, but I used to look at my marriage and wonder, “Is this all there is?” Is this the best it’s going to get? Disappointment can quickly settle in even to a new marriage and rob you of the love, joy, and wonder you felt on your wedding day. Newlyweds and long-term married couples, alike, often find themselves asking these same questions. The truth is you are the one who gets to determine the answer to that question.
In today’s episode, I share 7 relationship tips for you to begin to ask different questions about your marriage. Here are the tips:
Marriage Advice for Dealing with Disappointment
- Ask yourself why are you disappointed?
- Go beyond your feelings.
- Understand that in marriage, seasons come and seasons go.
- Let go of what was to make room for what is.
- Get real with yourself.
- Remember that it’s about growth over perfection.
- Be the person you’d love to live with.
I want to encourage you to take an active stance in the formation of your marriage. Far too many spouses are passive about their own progress. You’re in the driver seat. You get to have the marriage that you work for. So, what’s it going to be?
For more on disappointment, check out Episode 40: Dealing with Disappointments in Relationships.
Links Mentioned in this Episode * Get on the list for the upcoming Wife Life group coaching class * Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
[Sweet Repeat]: Making Love Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams
One of our highest-ranked podcast episodes was the episode where Shaun and I talked about making love outside the bedroom. We were 100 percent real and raw and heard from many of you how much that episode helped in your marriages. We were gearing up for a couples’ workshop (of the same name) at the time. The workshop was a huge success, and we are still hearing from couples who attended about how their intimacy (in all forms) has reached new heights.
Well, friends, I’ve been battling a respiratory infection over the last week that took away my voice, so instead of trying to prepare a new episode and introduction, Shaun took the helm on the podcast this week! He wanted to re-air the “Making Love Outside the Bedroom” episode in an attempt to butter me up once I’m better. LOL.
On a serious note, though, we share some major nuggets on this episode about communication, foreplay, understanding the emotional needs of yourself and your spouse, and so much more. Even if you’ve already heard this episode, it’s definitely worth a “sweet repeat.”
So, put the kids out of the room, pop in your earphones or AirPods, and take good notes.
Learn the art of what it truly means to make love.
To read the show notes for the original episode Making Love Outside the Bedroom, click here.
For those who weren’t able to attend the workshop live, it’s now available as a virtual e-course! Click here to access. SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Marriage Values and Forever Baes (Young & Married Series) – with Joseph and Marissa Msefya
Millennial marriages have different challenges than other marriages. Gender roles, financial responsibilities, and rapid societal changes are among just a few of the various challenges young marrieds face. Joining us on today’s podcast is Joseph and Marissa Msefya, of Forever Marriages, who offer support to millennial marriages. Because they are millennials themselves, the Msefyas have a great way to relate to other young couples.
I wanted to know why Joseph and Marissa decided to start a marriage ministry (platform). Joseph explained that in the beginning, it was really challenging for him, because he didn’t want to “put all his business out there,” plus his relationship with the Lord wasn’t really where he felt it needed to be. I think many men can relate to this. But we are so glad he pressed past his concerns, because the Msefyas dropped some major wisdom on us today.
Shared Values vs Individual Values
Marissa explained that though most married couples come to their marriages with individual values, it’s more important to have shared values. If one spouse values family, for example, more than the other, it can cause major problems. These conversations are critical, although they are often uncomfortable. This is where compromise comes in to help give the marriage direction and purpose. Joseph and Marissa encourage couples to agree on three to five shared values for their marriage and be sure to revisit them on a consistent basis.
This process is very intentional. Joseph and Marissa revealed that they hold year-end review meetings, quarterly meetings, etc. to rate their marriage, celebrate their victories, and create new goals. I love this! I believe this level of intentionality is what sets great marriages apart from the pack.
Gender Roles vs Biblical Roles in Marriage
One of the topics that Joseph and Marissa are great at sharing on is the difference between traditional (gender) roles and biblical roles. In their estimation, gender roles are negotiable and often change with the times. Biblical roles, however, are non-negotiable for the Christian, because they are based on what God says about how marriage should operate, according to Ephesians 5 and other areas of Scripture.
Lessons Learned from Being Young and Married
I wanted to know what specific lessons the Msefyas learned in their own marriage, because I realize, again, millennial marriages face unique challenges. Marissa advised she didn’t really know how important community would become in her marriage. She wasn’t prepared for that. Like many couples, she and Joseph minimized the value of “the village.” Joseph added that prior to marriage, he didn’t realize the level of intentionality behind the sexual intimacy of a great marriage. Sex isn’t always taught well, especially in the Church, and there was much to learn in this area of their marriage.
This episode is chock full of practical wisdom, so be sure to listen to the entire episode to help you or another millennial married couple to thrive in their marriage.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Connect with Joseph and Marissa at Forever Marriages
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Take the Marriage is a V.E.R.B e-course
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Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Family Matters – Dealing with the In-Laws (Young & Married Series)
No matter how much you love your spouse, you might not love your in-laws. Learning how to navigate these family matters is a crucial skill in a healthy marriage. Today, we’re learning about some critical questions every newlywed or young and married couple needs to ask about their spouse’s family of origin.
First off, think of your spouse’s family of origin like a marinade. What has he/she been “marinating” in for 18+years? We are all products of our families. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s important to understand your spouse’s family dynamics and how you might help them to break free of destructive patterns that could affect your marriage.
Questions to Ask About Your In-Laws
I list some helpful questions that you should ask even before you get married.
- What did you most admire about your parents?
- What is your mom’s / dad’s greatest strength?
- How did your parents resolve conflict?
- How did your parents approach spiritual issues?
A complete list of questions to ask your spouse about your in-laws
I also share a few tips to remember whenever you’re talking to your spouse about their family. Remember “Yo Mama!” jokes? Yeah . . . it’s best not to trash talk your in-laws. That usually doesn’t go over well. Even if your spouse is upset at his/her parents, they are still his/her parents, and that loyalty runs deep. It’s better to ask curious questions and offer support than bash the family your spouse grew up in.
In this episode, I give five helpful tips for managing your expectations with your in-laws, including not “becoming little.” You’ve got to listen to this part of the episode. I know I’m speaking directly to many of you who are dealing with this now!
Take a listen to the full episode and let me know what you think by rating and reviewing the podcast.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Facing Your Fiance’s Family of Origin
- The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
- Need Marriage or Relationship Coaching?
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs (Young & Married Series)
Setting boundaries is so foundational in marriage, yet many couples don’t understand the necessity or process of setting them. On today’s show, we discuss friends, sexual boundaries, families of origin, and much more. The five boundaries in marriage I highlight are in no way an exhaustive list. Many other boundaries can (and should) be added to this list, but I believe these are the “big ones.”
Too many marriages suffer for lack of clear communication and clear lines. One of the many benefits of having boundaries in marriage is that each spouse knows where he/she stops and where the other spouse begins. There is so much I can say (and write) about this topic, but for brevity’s sake (and to entice you to listen to the whole show), I’ll be concise.
Do You Practice Any of these Boundaries in Marriage? 1. General Care and Treatment 2. Household Responsibilities 3. In-Laws 4. Friends 5. Sexual boundaries
The truth is many married couples do not intentionally practice boundaries. Some don’t feel they’re positive. Some feel that “good relationships” don’t need boundaries. Still, other couples have not really ever given this topic much thought.
It is my hope that after listening to today’s podcast, you come away with a greater understanding of the need for boundaries in your marriage whether you are young or more “seasoned.” Boundaries are good. They help keep out the bad and keep in the good. And that is what healthy relationships are all about.
Links Mentioned in this Episode * Read my article on Why We Need Boundaries in Relationships * Is Porn Destroying Your Marriage? – Very Well Mind * Porn in Marriage: Its Harmful Effects – Covenant Eyes * How Pornography Distorts Intimate Relationships – MentalHelp.net * Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage (Young & Married Series) – with Jenard Moore Being young and married has many advantages, but often young married couples enter into marriage with unrealistic expectations. On today’s episode, Jenard Moore, host of the Moore Love Connection podcast, a podcast that focuses on millennial marriages, joins us to discuss how to set realistic expectations in our marriages. This episode was truly one of my favorites and is jam-packed with so much wisdom and practical advice for marriages of all ages.
Jenard and his wife Destiny started their marriage podcast after only being married two years. They felt that newlyweds weren’t always being served transparent and authentic information, so the Moores wanted to do their part to help these marriages thrive. I was featured on their podcast as a guest a few months ago, and am grateful Jenard is our guest today.
You Know What They Say About Assumptions If there’s one mistake we should all stop making in our relationships, it’s making assumptions about our partners. Beth McCord, popular Enneagram coach, calls this “Assumicide.” You know . . . it’s the death of our relationships due to our incessant assuming that our partners should think, behave, or be a certain way. Instead, Jenard encourages us to lay out our expectations so the other person clearly knows what you need and what you want.
When we have unrealistic expectations in marriage, it’s easy to fall into the comparison game. We can compare our spouses to our parents, past relationships, or friends’ marriages. Comparison is unhelpful and can lead to frustration, resentment, or worse. It’s such a common mistake that we discussed comparison in marriage in detail on a podcast episode here.
Why Millennials Are Avoiding Marriage Statistics show that many millennials are choosing to skip marriage altogether, and even some Christian couples are choosing to live together without being married. This topic is worthy of a podcast all on its own, and if I record one, I’ll be sure to link it here.
Jenard believes there are many reasons why millennials are avoiding marriage. Reasons including:
- the “serial dater” culture
- fear of commitment
- fear of missing out (FOMO)
Then, there’s the age-old question: What if I married the wrong person? (Another great podcast episode!)
This episode is chock full of wise nuggets, so I hope you’ll listen all the way through. And, once you’re done, be sure to register for my Boundaries for Women workshop (or e-course).
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Connect with Jenard on Instagram or the Moore Love Podcast website.
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Listen to the Moore Love Connection episode I was a guest on called The Heart of the Matter
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Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Grieving with Hope (Hope Series) – with Deborah Juniper-Frye
Grief isn’t a topic most people like to discuss, but inevitably, we will all lose someone or something very special to us at some point, and we need to know how to grieve with hope. On today’s episode, Deborah Juniper-Frye, a grief recovery specialist and friend of mine, joins us to discuss how to find the good in grief, the stages of grief, and how to know when our grief has become unhealthy.
Deborah is one of the most compassionate, dependable people I know. She has walked my family through the loss of my grandfather, father, my best friend, and others. When I was thinking about this episode, I knew I wanted her to share her insight with us on how to grieve with hope.
Grieving with Hope
I just love acronyms, and Deborah shares with us an easy-to-remember acronym on HOPE to help us through the grieving process:
H – Help yourself
O – Open yourself up to grow
P – Pursue a greater purpose
E – Expect something good
Be sure to listen around the 22:25 mark to hear Deborah’s full explanation of the HOPE acronym. As you can see, you must prioritize yourself through the process of grief.
When Grief Becomes Unhealthy Just as we can grieve with hope and grieve in a healthy manner, we can also grieve unhealthily. Too much alone time is good for no one, and although it is understandable to want to be alone while grieving, isolation can be damaging. Deborah shares that harping on negative memories and harboring unforgiveness is also counterproductive to the grieving process.
This episode is chock full of practical and purposeful principles to help you to grieve with hope.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
- Connect with Deborah on Instagram or Facebook
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Purchase Grieving Under Grace here
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Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Hope and Healing after Awful, Abusive Relationships (Hope Series) – with Tania Ceasar-Cornwell
Did you know that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence? Let that sink in. That’s an enormous amount of people who are involved in abusive relationships. Tania Ceasar-Cornwell was once a repeat victim of domestic violence (intimate partner violence) and is here to share her story on the podcast today.
This episode is raw and real, and Tania expresses complete transparency and vulnerability in sharing her story. Tania’s trauma started before birth if you can imagine that. Unwanted by her rather and feeling rejected by her mother, Tania began to feel isolated, and to make matters worse, she experienced sexual perversion at a very young age. Having been sexually abused, she began to experience anxiety, panic attacks, and more.
But things took a bit of a turn in Tania’s life when influenced by her aunt, she gave her life to the Lord. Her newfound faith offered some relief from her troubled home, but in her words, “the enemy was after me.”
From Bad to Worse
As she got older, her relationship with God began to fade, and Tania began experiencing major depression. The lack of boundaries and structure in her life exacerbated her trauma, and she began to get involved in bad friendships and abusive relationships. She met the father of her older children at 13 years old and began dating him at 14. Two years later, she was pregnant. This relationship became very toxic and abusive, and Tania confused sex with love. To try to appease her situation, she decided to marry her boyfriend, and things went from bad to worse.
She realized a year later that she was pregnant again as the abuse and now infidelity increased.
Breaking Abusive Cycles Sometime later, Tania got the strength to leave that relationship only to become involved in more abusive relationships. At her breaking point, Tania found her now-husband. Though not physically abusive, that relationship, too, was unhealthy in the beginning. At her wit's end, she found herself wandering the streets and ended up on the steps of a local church.
Little did she know, this “chance encounter” would serve as the catalyst to a pretty amazing life change for her and her entire family . . .
Listen to the full episode here.
For more information on escaping domestic violence, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Links Mentioned in this Episode
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Connect with Tania on Instagram or Facebook
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Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
5 Powerful Principles for Waiting in Hope (Hope Series) Let’s be honest, none of us likes to wait. It’s not that we’re impatient people necessarily, but waiting tests our resolve. Whether you’re waiting for a relationship fix, a spouse, healing, or a new job, delayed answers can derail our faith if we allow it to. Do you ever wonder why waiting is necessary in the first place? If you’re a Christian, you’ve probably heard scriptures like, “They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). That can be a hard pill to swallow when doubt and disappointment are constant companions.
Why We Need to Wait on God I believe God intentionally requires us to wait for a few reasons:
- Waiting builds patience.
James 1:3 reminds us that “the trying of your faith works patience.” Patience is like a muscle. The heavier the weight, the stronger it gets.
- Waiting causes us to appreciate the answer more.
Instant gratification does not build maturity. When we have to wait on something, the payoff is often much sweeter.
- Waiting tests our motives.
Have you ever forgotten about something you were waiting for or, maybe when you were about to receive it, you realized you didn’t even want it? As we wait, our true desires become clearer.
- Waiting reveals the proper season.
Here’s the truth: sometimes it’s just not your season. As you wait in hope, you will begin to appreciate God’s timing all the more.
Now we see some reasons why we wait, but how are we supposed to wait in hope the right way?
5 Principles for Waiting in Hope To keep it easy, and because I grew up a good Baptist girl, I’m giving you “5 P’s” for waiting in hope:
- Be prayerful – Prayer is the key to keeping your heart soft and yielded. Pray for yourself. Pray about your situation. Matthew 6:8 reminds us that “God knows what you need before you even ask him.” That’s not an invitation to passivity; it’s an invitation to partner with God in prayer.
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Be positive – Be careful with your thoughts and your talk. You don’t want to uncover or nullify what you’re praying about with negative, faithless talk. Mind your mind! Don’t allow yourself to become cynical or hopeless. Think on these things (Philippians 4:8).
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Be purposeful – As you wait, find something to do. Don’t sit idly by waiting for life to happen to you. Get involved in the process. Study, connect with the right people, and act as if the answer is on the way.
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Be patient – Patience is a virtue and it’s one of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Waiting is one of God’s ways of maturing us.
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Be prepared – There’s a story that Jesus tells in Matthew 25:1-14 about the 10 Virgins. The moral of the story is that when the much-anticipated “answer” came, 5 of the 10 were unprepared and therefore shut out of the promise.
I can recall a time or two when I, too, was unprepared for my answer when it finally came. I link to that story in the links section below.
Friend, I know waiting is hard. But I pray this episode will help you to wait in hope. God loves you. He knows what’s best for you, and he will answer you at the appointed time.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
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My Story of Being Unprepared While Waiting
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Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
How to Know When to Give Up Hope in a Relationship (Hope Series)
How do you know when your relationship is over? Maybe you’re tempted to throw in the towel. But then, is doing so the right thing? Being in the middle of the choice to end a relationship or keep hope alive can be daunting. For people of faith, we know that “with God, all things are possible,” but are there are times when it is really the end?
4 Questions to Ponder When You’re Ready to Give Up Hope in Your Relationship There are several questions to consider when you’re vacillating between the decision to end a relationship or to continue to hope for change. I discuss four questions to think about in today’s episode and expound on each.
- What needs to change in the relationship in order for it to grow?
- How will it change?
- Do you (or your partner) truly want to change?
- What or how do I need to change?
At the end of the day, remember that “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”
A Word to the Christians about God’s Will and Our Hope If you’re a Christian, you are likely familiar with Scriptures that talk about hope. These Scriptures are meant to encourage us as we journey through life’s challenges. There are some, however, who believe that God’s will overrides all decision-making. It’s as if no matter what we do, God’s will ensures that success will “magically” happen. Bear with me. Though I believe that God is ultimately in control, I also know that God does not force His will upon us.
“God’s sovereign will does not usurp our human will.”
If you’re in a relationship with someone and he/she does not want to change, God will not force him/her. Are you holding on to hope or wishful thinking? Think on that.
Follow the Way of Peace When we are praying through a decision, we must follow the way of peace. Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
We must not only pray but wait for an answer. God will lead you. Trust him.
Face Your Fears Finally, as you decide on if it’s time to give up hope in your relationship, you must also you’re your fears. When you expose your fears, they lose their power. When you’re trying to decide to stay or go, are you afraid of how you’ll look to others? Afraid that God will be disappointed with you? Afraid of being hurt again? Be honest with yourself and deal with the hidden fears in your heart.
Listen to the complete episode for a much more in-depth conversation on all these points.
And remember, “When the pain of staying stuck outweighs the pain of making a change, you’ll change.”
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Our Story: Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Us – with My Hubby, Shaun
Register for the Boundaries for Women Workshop Here.
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Today, I’m encouraging you with scriptures of hope for the weary soul. These 5 Scriptures have carried me through some of life’s greatest challenges. It is my prayer that they will encourage you also. Get in a quiet space, if possible, and allow God’s word to refresh your heart as you trust him with your life.
There are no additional show notes for this episode.
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Life After Divorce: Friendships, Failings, and Finding Love Again (Hope Series) – with Daniel Herrold
As a marriage coach, I am humbled to have divorced people reach out to me for advice. Many want to know what life after divorce can look like and wonder if they will ever find love again. Today’s guest, Daniel Harrold, shares very openly about his journey of life after divorce. Co-founding a community of friends called Divorced Over 40, Daniel discusses how his marriage fell apart, the mistakes he made and lessons he learned, as well as how he rebounded to overcome the stigma of divorce and build a life he’s proud of.
Daniel’s story isn’t unlike many marriages: he and his wife were college sweethearts and got married right after they graduated. He wasn’t the typical college guy who dated all the freshman girls. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact. His wife was basically his first real relationship. A couple of years into the marriage they had their first child: a daughter, followed shortly by two more daughters. Throughout the course of Daniel’s marriage, he and his wife sought marriage counseling. Sadly, they continued to drift apart. As they both realized the marriage was coming to an end, Daniel and his wife decided to forgo counseling and choose divorce.
The Healing Process Divorce is often likened to death. The stages of grief are similar: anger, denial, sorrow, blame, loneliness, etc. It’s a deep loss that is often compounded by a lack of closure. Daniel went through an 18-month healing process where he had to be honest about what he did right and what he did wrong. He also learned some new lessons about love and relationships as a whole. Far too often, people begin dating after divorce before first completing the healing process. This is a big mistake and oftentimes leads to yet another broken relationship and a bitter and broken heart.
One of the catalysts in Daniel’s healing process was a close group of friends that he developed after his divorce. Realizing he needed close friendships, he co-founded Divorced Over 40 with two female friends to help divorced people heal and find connections.
Divorced Over 40 Being divorced can often lead to being stigmatized. Daniel and his two friends wanted to chronicle their lives as divorcees and create a community where those who walked the difficult road of divorce could find hope and healing. They do this by creating relevant content, support, and events for people to meet and develop friendships. This community has been a lifeline to Daniel as he’s found a new life after divorce.
Hope for the Divorced Throughout this hope series, it is my hope (pun intended) that you will find a safe place of healing if you’ve been through a divorce. You may or may not have been the initiator of your divorce, but you are nonetheless dealing with it now. If you have kids, be intentional about being amicable with your ex. This makes all the difference in a child’s life. Your kids do not need to be put in the middle of your relationship problems. Daniel and his ex-wife have actually grown closer as friends and have a great platonic relationship today.
Focus on self-discovery and finding the lessons God wants to show you through the process. If you need to forgive, do so. It’s imperative. If you need to repent, do so. Your soul depends on it. If you need therapy or coaching, get some! Take your time, and allow yourself to go through the process. No shortcuts. You will win if you contend.
A final word, sometimes, those in the church don’t know how to deal with people who are divorced. They may say the wrong thing or they may say nothing. They may distance themselves or worse, gossip about you. Don’t allow people’s incorrect response to damage your heart. Daniel shares very vulnerably around the 24-minute mark as to his experience with how his faith was rattled after his divorce and how’s he’s on his way back to a deeper faith in spite of it.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Divorced over 40 Community
Follow Dan on Instagram @thedivorceddad
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
A mom of eight children and married for 18 years, our guest, author Hallie Lord, was stunned when her marriage fell apart. Listen as Hallie shares very vulnerably the unexpected dramatic change she encountered in her marriage and teaches us about how to unearth treasure and make peace with the unfinished work in our lives. This conversation was so rich. I know it is going to encourage many of you who feel stuck in your lives, those who are on the precipice of a difficult decision, and those reeling from a life that fell or is falling apart.
When Playing it Safe Keeps You Miserable Hallie’s recent book, Falling Home: Creating
Life that Catches You When You Fall, is a deep dive into the unfamiliar, unchartered undercurrent of what happens when life falls apart. Often, when we face moments like this, we are tempted to play it safe and cling to what’s familiar. Hallie can relate, and thought back to when she operated in this mode. She writes, “It was better to remain safe, even if safety meant misery. At least I’d be alive.” How many of you have felt like this? I know I’m being hurt, but it’s not as bad as it could be. I know I should demand better, but at least I’m not alone.
Too many people are stuck in miserable relationships because it’s familiar. It’s all they know. It’s much harder to step outside of what’s familiar, but playing it safe is often the wrong move.
The Value of Premarital Coaching Hallie encourages everyone who’s thinking about getting married to go to premarital counseling or premarital coaching. We all bring patterns, habits, and dysfunction into our marriages, and premarital coaching can help to shine a light on these potential problems and patterns we inherit from our families of origin. I, personally, will not marry a couple if they have not gone through some sort of premarital work. As a relationship coach, it’s my job to help couples avoid the common yet often hidden traps waiting to snatch away their bliss. Do not, I repeat, do not get married without premarital coaching.
Schedule a FREE One-On-One Coaching Session Here
Hallie never thought she’d get divorced. It’s a promise she had made to herself, especially after seeing her parents divorce. But as she slowly realized things in her marriage would not change, she knew it was time to make this difficult choice.
What’s the Worst that Can Happen? When life falls apart, we often meditate on the absolute worst thing that can happen. What if, Hallie asks, we focused on asking ourselves what possible good could come out of the situation? What if we, instead, looked for hidden treasures in the unexpected and unfinished work in our lives?
Life doesn’t have to be hard all the time, and when it is hard, it doesn’t have to remain hard. There is another path . . . another way forward. It’s the path of discovering that there is light and life even in the shadows of darkness.
That’s the message behind Falling Home, and that is the message of this hope series on the podcast. When life falls apart, there is always hope to be found, even in the unexpected and unfinished spaces.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get Hallie’s Book: Falling Home: Creating a Life that Catches You When You Fall
Connect with Hallie on Instagram or her Website
Interested in my Wife Life group coaching session? Find out more here!
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Dealing with Disappointments in Relationships (Hope Series)
What do you do when you’ve been disappointed in your relationships? When the one closest to you lets you down or breaks your heart? Truthfully, we’ve all had unmet expectations in our relationships that have led to major disappointment. As we begin a new podcast series on hope, I want to really lay a foundation of the importance of dealing with our disappointments. When we allow disappointment to fester, it callouses our hearts. We become numb, cold, angry, bitter, etc. You pick your poison. However, when we decide to let go of the disappointment, we can learn to walk in new levels of freedom.
Disappointment doesn’t discriminate. In other words, it happens to us all. This episode will help you to stop running from the truth of what or who hurt you and, more importantly, choose a new path by learning to forgive.
The Beauty of Forgiveness “Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Unknown. Think about that. When you chose to not forgive, you are only hurting yourself. The problem is that we hold onto unforgiveness because we think it shields us from pain. The truth is it only deepens our pain. When you learn to forgive and release others, you are the one who is also set free. if you’re married, you are going to have to forgive often. The people closest to us are also the ones who have greater access to our hearts, and therefore, can hurt us the deepest. But have no fear. Love covers a multitude of wrongs (I Peter 4:8).
What Suffering & Disappointment Teach Us Suffering and disappointment teach out how to endure (Romans 5:3-5). As we learn to endure the disappointments we face in life, we build character, and character builds hope. It’s a beautiful cycle, actually. When you begin to understand that nothing can defeat you, that God can cause all things to work for your good (Romans 8:28), you stop allowing the relationship disappointments you’ve been dealt to win the game. You learn how to make the disappointments work for you.
This episode will help you to gain a better understanding of the necessity of disappointments in our lives. I hope it encourages you.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Join my new group coaching class: Wife Life
Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You
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Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Relationship trauma expert Dr. Janie Lacy is here to help us to understand our core wounds and avoid toxic relationships in today’s episode. Janie and I talked about the importance of knowing yourself (i.e. becoming self-aware) and how that knowledge can lead you into uncovering your childhood (or core) wounds. And yes, we all have them. Understanding where we’ve come from can then help us to build healthier relationships.
Lately, there’s been a lot of what I call psycho-babble flying around on social media. Words like narcissism, gaslighting, toxicity, and the like, have become overused and ill-defined. I wanted an actual therapist to help us to not only decode these words but more importantly learn to recognize if we see any of these patterns in our relationships.
Understanding Your Core Wounds Even good families have some level of dysfunction. I like to say that we’ve all marinated in the "juices" of our families of orgin, and no matter how we try to detach from the craziness of our childhood, we all carry some level of crazy into adulthood. Think about the family you grew up in. How did you see your father treat your mother and vice versa? Did you even have a father in the home? If not, how did that affect you? Was your mother nurturing or distant? How did you respond to her? Maybe, sadly, you didn’t grow up with a mother. It’s obvious that the way we were raised affects us today. Janie tells the story of feeling embarrassed to speak in front of people because, as a child, she had rotten teeth. She had to learn to overcome her core wounds and learn how to communicate. This revelation led her to becoming a psychotherapist.
A friend of mine says, “There is no such thing as marriage problems; only childhood problems that manifest in marriage.” I’m sure she didn’t make that up, but whoever originally coined it is on the right track. What doesn’t get healed gets repeated. Janie also reminds us that if we don’t deal with our core wounds, they will haunt us in our relationships.
“We need to understand where we’ve been so that we can unblock where we want to go and why we attract certain people.” – Janie Lacy
Becoming Self-Aware
Janie and I also discussed some practical steps people can do in order to become self-aware. Understanding your core wound is a big part of this, but it’s also important to break out of the mundane. When our lives are too “ordinary,” and we are too comfortable, there is little reason to change or even question if something might be awry. When trauma presents, we are shaken loose of living on auto-pilot. Ask yourself how do you feel when no one else is around? Do you feel loved? Unseen? The reason many of us don’t want to do the work of becoming self-aware is because it is painful. It forces us to take responsibility and look at our own toxic thinking and areas we’ve allowed others to mistreat us. It’s sobering to realize we had a part to play in these toxic relationships.
Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
Before you can rid yourself of toxic relationships, you must first understand if you’re in one. Beware. This is hard. When you truly love someone, it can be disorienting to think of him/her as toxic. The good news is that the person isn’t necessarily toxic, but the behavior is. Not all toxic relationships have to end, but toxic behavior must. Janie shared with us the following practical signs to know if you’re in a toxic relationship:
- You make excuses for your partner’s negative behavior.
- You can’t be yourself with your partner. You feel like you’re constantly performing.
- Your core wounds are being incited when you’re around your partner.
- You see unhealthy patterns (being cursed out, being manipulated, being abused, etc.)
This episode was chock full of sage and practical advice. Thanks Dr. Janie Lacy for all you shared with us today!
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Connect with Janie at http://janielacy.com
Get My Free e-Book! 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
If you’re a single person looking for solid relationship tips, look no further than today’s episode featuring my husband, Shaun, as we share from our heart some wisdom that will help you to value yourself and to make better decisions in your relationships. First off, full disclosure, Shaun and I were super young when we got married . . . I was 18, and he was 21. So, technically, our single days were pretty short-lived. However, we’ve heard (and continue to hear) from our single friends about the struggles they’re facing in the single game and want to help steer you clear of some common pitfalls.
We thought it was fitting for us, as a married couple, to give some advice for single people from a compassionate yet challenging perspective. One of my Facebook followers on the Real Relationship Talk page sent me a message asking why married men don’t offer “relationship tips” to single women. Um . . . let’s just lay aside the obvious problems with that statement and get to her concerns. She wrote, “Annnnd why is it that married men who seem like ‘Mr. Right’ with their spouse don't have any Mr. Right recommendations for the single sistahs in their lives? I feel like we're out here trying to point ‘em out on our own.” I asked Shaun to take a stab at this question, and his response spawned today’s episode.
Relationship Tip #1: Value Yourself
This may seem like common sense, but far too many single people do not value themselves. They are not self-aware. They lack boundaries, and therefore, other people do not value them either. I see it all the time—beautiful, strong, smart, and capable women allowing themselves to be treated like options by undeserving men. This madness has to stop. The first relationship tip we give to single people is to honor yourself . . . value yourself. If you don’t, no one else will.
Relationship Tip #2: Stop Bending to Society’s Norms
Listen, if you don’t know who you are, you’ll allow everyone else to tell you who you are. Part of being confident and valuing yourself is shutting out society’s expectations, labels, and rules. You are not a Kardashian. You don’t have Kardashian money. You don’t have Kardashian clout. And you do not have Kris Jenner for your mom. Stop trying to “keep up with the Kardashians” or Kardashian-like expectations. No one’s body looks like that, not even theirs. So give yourself a break, and focus on your strengths. If you love you, other people will love you too.
Relationship Tip #3: Stop Giving It Away for Free
Here’s some old-school relationship advice that really works. If you’re giving all the goods away and allowing your boyfriend/girlfriend to be too comfortable, why would they want to marry you? We’re not suggesting that you start playing games, but you do need to ask yourself what are you willing to withhold in order to encourage your significant other to make an investment in you? The age-old adage Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? still holds, friends.
Relationship Tip #4: Don’t Ghost Your Friends When You’re in a Relationship
We’ve all had “that” friend. The one who disappears like Casper when they begin a new relationship. It’s immature and insensitive. You need your friends. Don’t allow your new relationship status to undermine the very people you’re going to need to lean on when said relationship is over. Friends give us a different perspective. They encourage us when we’re down. And they bring balance to your life. So, don’t be shady; be a good friend.
I am so grateful to my husband, Shaun, for speaking to the hearts of my single listeners. I want you to be sure you’re subscribed to my email list so you can continue to receive these relationship tips on the regular using the link below.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get Your Free e-Book 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Love, Laughs, & Old School Relationship Advice (Single AF Series) - with Comedian Ms. Maebelle
Away with this millennial dating advice! We’re taking it old school today and bringing our favorite comedian, Ms. Maebelle, to the podcast to give us some old-school dating and relationship advice. Now, if you've never heard of Ms. Maebelle, think of a kinder, gentler version of cultural icon Madea. Sometimes you need that “seasoned wisdom” to help you navigate through the stormy relationship waters. Ms. Maebelle delivers just the sauce we needed. I wanted to get her wisdom on what women (especially) should be doing while they’re awaiting Mr. Right (or Boaz, as he’s known in Christian circles). I also asked her about her thoughts on the over-sexualization of women and her best dating tips. Here are some highlights we discussed in this episode.
Finding Your Purpose as a Single Woman Similar to what our guest Vernicia Eure shared on episode 32- The Art of Becoming Happily Single, Ms. Maebelle advised women who are waiting to be married (or at least waiting to find the right man) should busy themselves with a purpose. Don’t just stand around, aimlessly doing nothing. Be busy. She took us to the book of Ruth in the Bible and explained how Ruth busied herself enough to catch the attention of Boaz. John Sims, from episode 31- 5 Qualities Single Men Look for in a Single Woman brought this point home as well. Ladies, listen up. Being focused on your goals, passions, and pursuits is highly attractive to a secure and responsible man.
Is Modest Hottest? There was a phrase back in the day (speaking of old-school relationship advice) that suggested “modest is hottest.” Basically, modesty is the highest form of hotness. While the word “modest” carries some baggage, I do believe that women shouldn’t bear all their goods to just anyone. Ms. Maebelle reminded us that men have good imaginations, and they like a little bit of mystery when it comes to a woman. Most respectable men do not want the woman they are looking to settle down with to dress too provocatively. But even if he does, ladies, there is something really intriguing about a woman who carries herself well and leaves some things to the imagination.
Cooking, Cleaning, and Bearing Children, Oh My! Old-school relationship advice wouldn’t be complete without a laundry list of all the things women should be doing in the house, primarily the kitchen. Ms. Maebelle believes that women need to know how to cook and clean to win a husband. I pushed back on this a bit because in my marriage, both my husband and I share household responsibilities. Still, there are some who are more traditional, and keeping a clean house is a good thing every adult (male or female) should learn to do, in my opinion.
Best and Worst Relationship Advice We ended the podcast by discussing some of the best and worst relationship advice Ms. Maebelle had given and received. Her answers were pretty hilarious. What’s the best and worst relationship advice you’ve ever received? The thing that I love about older people is they shoot from the hip. Most don’t mince words, but rather they tell it like it is. Although this episode was all in fun, Ms. Maebelle did drop some truth bombs. Let me encourage you at this time to spend time, if possible, with your grandparents. They are deep wells of wisdom and give some of the greatest, most practical relationship advice you’ll hear, especially if they themselves have a solid relationship.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Follow Ms. Maebelle on Facebook
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
How Guys Think – A Single Man Bares All
I’m often asked by single women listeners of the podcast “what do single men think about?” Does he really not understand the female mind? Why won’t he commit? How do I know if he’s really into me? Questions about how guys think abound (a quick Google search will affirm this) and compelled me to invite my guest, Avery Martin, to the podcast today. I wanted to go straight to the source to find out how guys think. Avery is an everyday man who is very intentional about how he does relationships and what he’s looking for in a woman. Avery allowed us a peek into the mind of the single man to hopefully shed some light on just how single men think.
Why Don’t Men Share Their Feelings?
Many women want to know why it’s so hard for men to open up and share their feelings. We know that men have emotions, but many seem to have trouble letting us in to their heart. Avery offered great insight by explaining that if a man doesn’t feel safe to share, or if he feels what he shares will be thrown back at him later, he’ll never open up. I asked what the fear behind the man not opening up, and Avery shared that it is partially due to culture telling men they have to be strong, but it’s also that some men don’t know how to process their emotions within themselves, therefore, they can’t share them with a woman they’re in a relationship with. We also talked about how guys think about being intimidated by women, especially since I just focused on this topic in my last episode with Mandy Hale.
What Does Equality in Relationships Look Like to You?
When it comes to relationship roles, some men are more traditional, while other men are more progressive. I wanted to know Avery’s take on how guys think equality in relationships should look like. He stated that in dating relationships, equality is most demonstrated in the level of effort each partner initiates. It’s no secret that most women love to be pursued by their men. However, according to Avery, she should still make a genuine effort in the relationship as well. One of the tricky parts is that everyone seems to have a different definition of dating, which can obviously cause communication problems and disappointments and can lead to folks finding themselves in “situationships” they never intended on being in.
Is He Really Interested?
Most of us have seen the hit movie He’s Just Not That Into You (2009). Sadly, because some men have led women on with no intention of commitment, many women are still asking this question of the men they’re dating. Just recently, a woman emailed me to ask if she should move on or continue dating a man who is giving her mixed signals about their relationship. Avery didn’t mince words here: basically, he says, if a man is interested in a woman, she will know it. He will make his intentions known. This is going to be a hard pill for some ladies to swallow because many men give off mixed signals. However, ladies, take this advice to heart. Stop pining over a man who isn’t letting his intentions be clearly known.
Maintaining Celibacy in Your Singleness
Avery shared some very practical steps he takes in his quest to maintain celibacy in his singleness. I thought this part of the conversation on how guys think was really helpful to those who also want to devote their attention to other things than sex. It takes a lot of focus and effort, Avery said, but it also keeps a lot of problems and unnecessary ties to people at bay. While not all Christian singles are practicing celibacy, many are. Avery brought up the term “delayed gratification,” which is so important to cultivate in these conversations.
Some helpful tips on how to maintain celibacy: 1. Surround yourself with a support group who you can be accountable to and encouraged by. 2. Find something else to divert your “energy.” 3. Be careful about the music, movies, and other media you consume. 4. Date other singles who have the same value for sexual integrity that you do.
Listen to the full podcast and hear Avery explain how guys think about “short-term fun” girls and so much more by clicking on the player above.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Find Avery on Instagram
Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
Finding Love Without Losing Yourself (Single AF Series) – with Mandy Hale
For singles looking for love, the dating scene can be a doozy. Online dating is at an all-time high, and while many singles are out here interviewing spouses, others are quite content in “situationships” that lead to nowhere. The Single Woman, herself, Mandy Hale is on the podcast today and wants to help you singles to find love without losing yourself. Her latest book, Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself isn’t just a dating manual; it’s a self-love manual for single people. Mandy is a New York Times Best-Selling author and social media powerhouse. She has appeared on Oprah’s Lifeclass Tour, spoken at Women of Faith and TD Jake’s Woman Thou Art Loosed!
Mandy shares candid dating stories that will leave you bewildered at the brazenness of some of her suitors. But she seems to take it all in stride. She’s been doing this dating thing long enough to know that not every connection is a love connection, and she’s okay with that. Mandy reminds us that dating is supposed to be fun; it’s supposed to be a way of learning about people and yourself. Thus, she knows how to help singles recover from the constant pressure of what she calls “the swipe.”
Don’t Believe the Swipe Mandy explains that the swipe is the incessant pressure put on singles to measure their worth by their relationship status. If a single woman is worried about why she isn’t being matched with more people on the online dating apps, or if a single man is focused on the next woman while in a relationship with someone else, they’re believing the swipe. Dating can be very superficial, and singles can find themselves getting too caught up in their heads, wondering why they’re being ghosted or rejected. They can internalize other people’s reactions to the point of beginning to feel negative about themselves.
Dating isn’t just about being matched with someone. It’s about learning to love yourself and being confident in who you are. That’s what finding love without losing yourself is all about.
Reclaiming the Joy of the Single Life We’ve talked about finding joy in the single life on other podcast episodes, namely the episode on In-Between Relationships. There is nothing wrong with being single. Not. One. Thing. Instead of constantly searching for “the one,” Mandy encourages singles to focus on being the one, but not for someone else. Be the one for you. Enjoy this stage of your life. Cherish it. The Apostle Paul says in I Corinthians 7:7, “Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others” (The Message).
Churches can help singles to feel more comfortable and connected, and both Many and I had some great ways to make this happen.
The Intimidation Factor If you are a successful, confident, single woman, you’ve maybe heard a man tell you that you’re “intimidating.” Mandy dedicates and entire chapter in her book to this topic, and we also addressed it at length on the podcast. In a nutshell, a guy telling a girl she’s intimidating is an excuse. “If a guy is truly meant for you, nothing is going to be able to keep him away,” Mandy says. With that in mind, it should take some of the pressure off of finding love. Ladies, you are not too much. You do not need to dumb yourself down, dim your light, or commit any other acts of sacrifice against yourself. If a man can’t handle your awesomeness, tell him to keep it moving.
This was a great conversation with Mandy, and I’m grateful to have had her on the show!
Notable Moments in the Podcast
[9:15]: An in-depth definition of “the swipe”
[15:25]: Instead of asking if he/she likes you, do you even like him/her?
[20:42]: Finding joy in the single life
[23:04]: How churches can do better at celebrating single people
[28:29]: The myth of the intimidation factor
[36:20]: What keeps a man away if he’s into you
[37:00]: Some modern dating definitions
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Mandy Hale’s Website
Follow Mandy (@TheSingleWoman) on Instagram and Twitter
Purchase Mandy’s Book: Don’t Believe the Swipe: Finding Love Without Losing Yourself
Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
In-Between Relationships: Becoming Confident & Gaining Clarity (Single AF) – with Videllia and Melissa
Today, we have the love blogger herself, who needs no last name, Videllia on the podcast as we continue our #SingleAF series. But I also wanted my friend Melissa Seaman on the show because, while Videllia is well-versed in handling relationships, Melissa has yet to jump into the dating waters. Videllia helps to empower single women who are looking to build healthy relationships, so I thought this conversation needed to happen.
I wanted to know if these ladies felt pressure to be married and if so, where that pressure came from. Videllia went first, and stated that she didn’t feel pressure from family but rather the culture at large where there seems to be an over-arching focus on relationships. Melissa also feel the pressure to get married and have kids, but not from her family. She actually became enthralled in her parents’ romance story, and they served as great examples to her. They taught her to find herself in God’s big plan and to be selective in choosing a man. But she put pressure on herself after watching most of her friends and even her two younger brothers get married. Both ladies agreed that, “Even if you’re not raised to put that pressure on yourself to get married, you put pressure on yourself.”
Settling for Mr. Alright One of the most detrimental things women do in between relationships is settling for who I call “Mr. Alright.” Usually, the woman is tired of waiting for “the one” (i.e. Mr. Right), so she reasons and bargains her way down to some man who meets just enough of her standards. This usually has disastrous results. Of course, no man is perfect, and you likely won’t find every single thing you’re looking for in one person, but I implore you, ladies, do not settle for Mr. Alright. Videllia asserts, “I desire marriage but my desire isn’t so high that I’m willing to settle just to say I have somebody.”
Waiting is hard, and you have to develop contentment. Videllia admits that she’s not always content in her singleness. Much like my friend Vernicia said on Episode 32 on becoming content in your singleness.
“It’s easier to be more selective when you’re not giving up the cookies.” - Videllia
How to Put Yourself Out There Without Appearing Desperate
Melissa has never been in a relationship but appreciated how Vidella encouraged her to put herself out there. Videllia shared some nuggets on learning to become vocal without becoming the pursuer. This is something single women need to get good at doing. Gaining clarity and becoming confident to speak up and assert yourself in a relationship is important. But too often, women (and men, for that matter) don’t speak up out of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Videllia talked about how we don’t always deal with the hurt, but instead mask it. We know that doesn’t work in the long term, but sadly, many people still do it.
Toward the end of the episode, I led Videllia in giving Melissa a mini-coaching session on what Melissa deemed her problem with the “Friend Zone.”
The Friend Zone
The friend zone is when two people have a friendship and one of them “catches feelings” for the other, and after sharing said feelings realize the feelings are not reciprocal. How painfully frustrating this can be. Many singles experience this after they have been a loyal and attentive friend to someone who just isn’t interested in the same way. I liked how Videllia encouraged Melissa to not fall into the role of a girlfriend for someone who’s just your friend.
Notable Moments Along Our Conversation: [6:30]: The pressure singles feel from others to get married
[9:14]: Taking your time to make sure you’re compatible with some (especially spiritually compatible)
[24:42]: Why some women are afraid to put themselves out there
[28:01]: Learning how to be clear on what you’re looking for in a partner
[31:50]: How to handle a man who keeps you in the friend zone
Links Mentioned in this Episode Videllia’s Website
Follow Videllia on Instagram
Follow Videllia on Facebook
Follow Videllia on Youtube
Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
The Life of a Single Mom (Single AF) – with Jennifer Maggio
At the young age of 19, Jennifer had been pregnant four times. Two miscarriages and two kids later, she was stuck in an abusive, toxic relationship. This was just the beginning of her story and the creation of The Life of a Single Mom. Growing up, Jennifer was dealt a hard blow when her mother was killed at age 32. From there, she experienced abuse in every form. Her father was an angry alcoholic, and Jennifer endured verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual trauma. Though her father was not the one who sexually abused her, Jennifer experienced the other forms of abuse in his household and learned how to “fake it” in front of church people. The family attended church, but as Jennifer put it, “Sundays was a façade, but the rest of your life didn’t comingle with that.”
The Turning Point All the trauma that Jennifer endured came to a head when as she says, “I huddled on the bathroom floor contemplating taking my own life.” Life had gotten to a point where Jennifer didn’t want to go on. But she also didn’t want her young children to grow up without a mom, as she had experienced. The turning point came for Jennifer when she started attending church again. Feeling like such an outsider, she pressed through, even miserably, week after week. But then something shifted. Jennifer left her abusive relationship but still wanted God to change her boyfriend so they could be together. One day she heard the Lord say, “Stop asking me to change your boyfriend’s heart, and start asking me to change you.” #micdrop
Jennifer began to take her faith seriously and through a long process, she began to grow spiritually and break the soul ties she had with her abusive ex-boyfriend.
The Origin of the Life of a Single Mom Jennifer found her home in corporate America and was doing great things there. She was making more money than she ever had before and was steadily climbing the coveted corporate ladder. But then God reminded her of her true calling. She knew she had to help other single moms to get free. She wasn’t a savior, but she believed God would use her pain for these moms’ purposes. She realized that “the freedom takes longer than the rescue.” What a powerful statement.
In 2007, in a southern living room, Jennifer and three other single moms met for what would become the first support group of The Life of a Single Mom, a non-profit ministry dedicated to providing support groups and education in three core areas: parenting, finances, and health & wellness. A little over 10 years, 1600+ support groups, and nearly 700,000 women later, Jennifer is fulfilling the vision. She got emotional when I asked her if she ever envisioned how big The Life of a Single Mom would be. I am touched by Jennifer’s humility. She knows that none of this is possible without the steady hand and guidance of the Lord.
Hope for Single Moms While Jennifer has an extraordinary testimony, this, of course, is not the story of every single mom. Some single moms go through even worse challenges, and some are managing just fine. The hope for single moms, whatever station they may be in, is that you can make it through. You can get unstuck. You can leave old patterns behind. And God can restore whatever is broken. We celebrate the courage, tenacity, and resilience of single moms today, and I’m so grateful to Jennifer Maggio for launching the amazing ministry of The Life of a Single Mom. May it be so that no single mom walks alone.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Learn all about The Life of a Single Mom
Help for Single Moms
25 Ways to Serve Single Moms
Register for My Upcoming Boundaries Workshop
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
The Art of Becoming Happily Single Today we’re helping singles learn how to be happy and single. I’m calling it the art of becoming "happily single." Joining me on the podcast is my dear friend, Vernicia Eure, who, though she’s never been married has learned to be content with being single. This isn’t an easy feat, but Vernicia explains how she realized that God had a plan through some of the relationships that didn’t work out. “I’ve learned to be content,” Vernicia says, “but sometimes I’m not all that happy about it.”
Vernicia took her experiences and decided to help other single women in their process of learning how to be happily single themselves with the creation of her Stepping into Purity Facebook group. “What if you’re not supposed to be in a relationship right now?” Vernicia asks the ladies in her group.
Single vs Married – The Grass is Greener on the Other Side Far too often, people think the grass is greener on the other side. Single people want to be married, and married people want to be single. Wouldn’t it be great if we just all learned how “to be content in whatever state we are in” like the apostle Paul encourages us in the Bible (Philippians 4:11).
Friends, the grass is not greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it most. Maybe the question is how are you watering the single life you’ve been given? Maybe it’s time to stop looking over the fence and, instead, begin to truly embrace this season in your life and focus on learning how to be happily single.
What Real Purity Is in Relationships Many single people have been confused or even hurt by the so-called “purity culture movement” that was all the rage back in the 1980s and 90s. True purity, however, has more to do with a surrendered heart than behavior. Should Christian singles engage in online dating? Should they watch certain movies? How should you respond to the oversaturation of sex in our culture? Vernicia talks about the importance of realizing purity goes beyond sexual purity and encompasses mental, relational, and spiritual purity as well.
She gives a really great explanation of this around 21:00 mark of the episode. Vernicia reminds us that you can be “sex-free,” but still need to engage in other aspects of real purity by celebrating your authenticity and embracing where you are in your life now instead of using sex as a cover for you not knowing yourself or your values.
Because I’ve known Vernicia for 30+ years and have been able to watch her life, I can attest that she practices what she preaches.
Links Mentioned in this Episode Connect with Vernicia on Facebook or Instagram
Pre-Order Vernicia’s Book Stepping Into Purity
Register for My Boundaries Workshop
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.
Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
5 Qualities a Kingdom-Minded Single Man is Looking for in a Single Woman (Single AF Series) – with John Sims
If there’s one question single women who are looking for a serious relationship are asking, it’s “Where are all the good, single men?” Today, my guest, John Sims, shares with us five qualities a kingdom-minded single man is looking for in a single woman. But first, he talked about his epiphany of why he was rejecting women early in his relationships. It has to do with his own sense of abandonment and rejection. This revelation is going to set some of you single folks free today.
John then debunked the myth that women get emotionally attached faster than men. He told us that men actually get emotionally attached just as quickly, but don’t always show it. Speaking of some of his own heartbreaks, John said he believes that emotional pain is actually more detrimental than physical pain, because while the body heals itself naturally, we need help healing from emotional pain. I really agree with him there. He then reminded us that the best romantic relationships begin with the best friendships and encourages singles to focus on building a solid friendship before jumping into a romantic relationship.
What Single Men are Looking for in a Single Woman
Now, for the main course of this podcast, John laid out five qualities single men are looking for in a single woman. Here they are:
- She should be exclusive but not impossible to connect with
- She should be available but not desperate
- She should be an asset not a liability
- She should know how to present herself well
- She should be humble yet confident
Should you single ladies feel his qualities are “doing the most,” don’t worry, I believe these are qualities most of you already exude. And if there’s something on this list that troubles you, consider asking yourself why you’re bothered before dismissing his suggestions.
John is a leader in his church, and you’ll hear him talk about the single lifestyle through a biblical lens. He correlates Ruth and Esther in a way I’ve never heard talked about from a single man. I thought that was good stuff! You’ll find this gold around the 19:05 mark. He then talked about how single women who are looking for single men need to “update your browser settings.” He said you’re looking for new qualities using old filters. That was dope.
How to Not Have Sex as a Single Person
Listen, I know it’s rough out here in these streets. I know many Christian single men and women want to honor God and remain celibate or chaste (and not have sex) until you’re married. I also know the majority of you are struggling with this. John has been chaste for 10 years. Ten.Years. #YouCanDoItJesusCanHelp. He quotes his bishop as saying, “The reason some of you keep falling out of the bed is because you’re sleeping too close to the edge.” #micdrop. All of this talking about boundaries and making wise decisions was prefaced by John’s explanation of how we are three-part beings and, therefore, he wants to connect with a single woman in three ways: spiritually, intellectually/emotionally, and physically.
So, ladies and gents, the next time you find yourself settling for 1 of the 3 or 2 of the 3, don’t. If you want to be married, there are good single men out there! After you’ve prayed and listened to this podcast episode a few times, update your browser settings and look again.
Praying for you.
Resources: Connect with John Sims on Instagram at @johnjaysims.
Read my blog post on Confident or Cocky
Listen to this episode on “How these Hidden Fears are Ruining Your Relationships”
Top 10 Places to Meet Christian Singles by TrueLoveDates.com
Be sure to rate and review this podcast on Apple and Spotify!
Commuter Marriage: How Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Today, I’m talking with Abe & Elaine Romero about the pros and cons of commuter marriages. The Romeros have been living apart for their entire four-year marriage and plan to continue their unique marriage arrangement for at least another four years. We've all heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but why? The Romeros have figured it out. Both previously divorced, Abe and Elaine decided to keep their own houses in separate states (he lives in Texas, she lives in California) after they got married mostly because of their shared five children. They didn’t think it was fair to uproot the kids, especially after they’d all been through hard divorces.
We talk all about their decision to maintain separate lives while also coming together often. It’s the classic case of how absence can make the heart grow fonder, not farther. A marriage and family therapist with Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine knows a thing or two about how to create a successful relationship.
Commuter Marriage Pros and Cons With anything in life, there will be pros and cons . . . reasons why you should and shouldn’t do something. Elaine explained that one of the pros of their commuter marriage is the excitement of being together. We married people tend to take each other for granted, so the absence actually helps make their times together more meaningful. Both Abe and Elaine spoke of having a deeper connection and better sex when they get together.
On the flip side, living apart presents its challenges as well. The biggest challenge being the loss of physical connection. That hug, squeeze, or comforting shoulder to cry on isn’t there. There’s also the trust factor. I asked the Romeros if they had trust issues, and they both answered very honestly. Elaine has experienced infidelity in her past marriage, so trust issues can be a trigger for her. She referenced Susan Johnson, who is a known proponent of emotionally-focused therapy, as saying, “The true warriors are those who sign up again after past betrayals.” The truth is trust can be an issue whether you’re in the same house or not.
Getting Creative While Living Apart One of my favorite parts of our conversation was hearing how the Romeros use the absence to make their hearts grow fonder by getting creative with date nights. Abe explained how the couple will do “who plated it best” contests. They’ll cook the same meal together on the phone and then show each other how they plated it. How fun! The families also do family movie nights, family Zoom calls, and even online tours (they’ve been to Italy virtually!) and online concerts.
We laughed a lot during this podcast conversation, and I remarked to Elaine, later, that it felt like we were just old friends chatting on the phone. Laughter is truly some good medicine and can be yet another thing that makes the heart grow stronger, especially when you’re apart.
Resources:
Love is in the Air Podcast – Abe & Elaine’s podcast
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor
This episode was sponsored by The Intimately Us app. Download yours today!
Revealing & Healing Sexual Abuse – with Dr. Jessica McCleese Here’s the truth: either you or someone you know has been victimized by sexual abuse. It’s a sad reality that most of us hate talking about. But if we don’t talk about it, the stigma and shame will continue its cycle in our hearts and relationships. Joining me on the podcast for this important and urgent conversation is my friend, Dr. Jessica McCleese, a psychologist and sex therapist. Jessica tells us her personal story of being sexually molested and abused and the havoc those experiences wreaked on her psyche. But she’s not alone. I, too, in a rare conversation, talk about my experience with sexual abuse and the damage it began to have on my marriage. But God.
So many women and men silently struggle with identity issues, guilt, confusion, embarrassment, shame, anger, and an array of other emotions because of sexual abuse. And many still won’t talk about it. I want to do my part to help people begin the path of healing and freedom from sexual abuse. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.[1] That’s a LOT of us!
Naturally, as I was wrapping up the All About Sex series, I concluded this was a topic that could be off limits no longer. We need real, honest, and helpful conversations about sexual abuse that will help single and married people to overcome all its damaging effects.
A Survivor’s Story A few years ago, my friend, Terri, shared a spoken word at a women’s conference at our church entitled Story. Terri, too, is a survivor. With her permission, I am sharing her spoken word with you. May you find comfort in reading it:
She sits in distress
concerned and under arrest
She, sits in her pretty pink dress, afraid to tell her mom because she’d make a mess
of things
She’s six and he… he cornered her.
She’s not even old enough to write legible, his decibels rang in her ear: “TOUCH IT!”
She sits in distress
Concerned and under arrest
Her heart beats out of her chest
She’s too young to be shaken from the nest, but Satan’s jest was to destroy her…
And soon - her reality became a mental and physical battle of sexual brutality
As her molester sold her inexpensive lies that tied to her heart like - you’re so beautiful
and you deserve this…
And - just when her eye ducts began to swell, he whispered three destructive words:
DO NOT TELL
And she, she kept his word - that, secret tucked away privately, she put on insecurity
and suffered quietly and silently as he, ran away with my voice…
Her shackles grew stronger with age. She’s enraged at the world, every night curled into
the fetal position.
Nothing's more painful than knowing that the past you were living was just a counterfeit.
Yet, nothing’s more rewarding than knowing that Christ is a redeemer
And Satan is a deceiver, he, wanted me to be sick of men, like fever, continually
attacking my views on fatherhood ... That is...
Until I became a believer
I said Satan is a deceiver - one who gives a false impression
He wants you to be so wrapped up in what happened to you, that you neglect this
lesson: God. Is.
God. Is. So concerned about you that he, the Father, sent His own son to suffer - just
when you think your problems are rougher, God's love is tougher...
God. Is. A father to the fatherless. He is perfect relationship, and every time your lips
part to recant your past story, remember to allow God to get the glory
I committed to let God do surgery, I allowed Him to open me up and start purgin’ me - to,
mend the fabric that was torn from molestation, I even surrendered my teenage
frustration and hatred toward my earthly father.
In the beginning, was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was in the beginning with God. And all things came into being through Him and The
Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.
Jesus, you are the brightest light
YOU designed my DNA, Satan has NO PLACE in the spotlight
He has NO PLACE in this heart, right - NO PLACE in this life, like
He belongs in darkness, only God dwells in the limelight
And no one can write your story, but HIM
I refuse to stand here and weep because
I miss and mourn what used to be
I refuse to accept muddy waters for the sake of purity
I refuse to be a victim, dying and dancing for the enemy
I refuse to let Satan write my story – cause only God can author my identity
And I wearily crawled to the cross, and it was there he breathed his strength in me... He
makes all things new
Don’t put on your past, just to dress up your present
And today, I stare at blank pages because my story is still being written.
I’m still living it – out loud, and reading it like front-page news…
You are not who you used to be.
Written in your story is freedom from pain and sickness, emotionally
Written in your story is freedom from a life ending terminally
Freedom from Satan choking your creativity
You are not who you used to be.
Written in your story is value and royalty
And every detail of our life is worked into something good…
So tell me, what’s your story?
©2013 Terri Simmons
Getting Help for Sexual Abuse Whether your abuse happened over the last decades or last night, it’s time you tell someone. It’s time you get help. Reach out to a trusted and trained counselor and get healed.
Resources:
On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Dr. Diane Langberg
EMDR: a resource to Help Overcome Sexual Trauma
The Effects of Porn in Marriage – The Dating Divas
Learn more about Dr. Jessica McCleese at BeFullyWell.com.
If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse, contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) today at http://rainn.org or call their 24-hour hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.
[1] https://nomore.org/know-the-facts-citations/
Need an Intimacy Fix? There’s An App for That!
Do you sometimes feel bored or unsatisfied with your sex life? Honestly, at some point, most married couples need an intimacy fix or are stuck sexually. Today’s episode features Dan Purcell, founder of Get Your Marriage On and the Intimately Us app. Dan explains how he and his wife had their own intimacy fix and went from “missionary position, lights off, 10 minutes and you’re done” to actually learning how to experiment and explore new things in the bedroom. Dan describes it like going to an amusement park and realizing there are all these new rides he never knew about before. “I wanted to ride them all!” he said.
Dan and his wife began to play sexy games in the bedroom using board games they had around the house. They began to put in the effort in their bedroom and found a whole new level of intimacy. As a software developer, Dan knew that he could help other married couples find what he and his wife had discovered. Enter the app store. When he couldn’t find any clean, nudity-free marriage apps, he decided to make his own – the Intimately Us app, which helps couples rediscover their playful, adventurous side and build intimacy beyond sex.
What Makes a Great Sexual Connection?
Too often, couples focus too much on sexual technique and not enough on actually building a solid connection. Yet, great sexual connection comes out an overflow of the relational connection you have with your spouse. Planting seeds throughout the day will help enhance the foreplay, intimacy, and desire in your marriage. Don’t discount the flirty text, the fun emoji . . . the little things go a long way!
Marriage is supposed to be fun and adventurous, and we can use technology to help us to build better connection in our marriages. So think outside the box. Focus first on connecting on another level with your spouse (though openness, communication, and desire) and then focus on how that will enhance your sexual connection. Since we are tri-part sexual beings, we need to understand the importance of sex in our marriages. It’s not an add-on. It’s important to living a truly integrated married life.
Helping to Build Desire
Desire is important to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. One of the things that will kill desire, however, is if we keep focusing on the so-called “marital duties.” Duty is not sexy. If, though, we feel truly desired by our spouses (body, mind, and soul), sex isn’t difficult.
The Intimately Us app helps us to build desire in many ways. The fun, colorful interface of the app is inviting and intriguing. The app also comes with suggested games, conversation starters, text prompts, and even shareable graphics. As we begin to have conversations around sex (opening our hearts) to one another and practicing “honesty and radical generosity,” as Dan put it, we will build an infinite intimate life that far surpasses any superficial sexual strategy. So if you’re in a need of an intimacy fix, remember, there’s an app for that.
Resources:
Dan’s Website: Get Your Marriage On
Download:
The Intimately Us App On Apple or On Google
Books:
- Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray-Gregoire
- Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in a Committed Relationship by David Schnarch
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and WRITE A REVIEW!
Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.
Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.
Feeling Obligated to Have Sex? Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about marital consent on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.
Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:
- Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse)
- Preparing the room for your experience
- Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room
- Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down)
- Talking about sex with your spouse
- Role-playing. Get creative!
When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the Maintenance Sex episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.
The Downside of Sexual Rejection When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:
- Feelings of rejection/not being wanted
- Insecurity
- Depression
- Loneliness
- Isolation
- Temptation (looking outside the marriage)
Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.
The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.
Resources:
How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage by Dr. Jessica McCleese
Learn to Communicate Better About Sex – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che
Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)
What does it truly mean to make love? We’ve been told that making love is all about sex, but the truth is so much better than that. Sex is great, but making love is better. In today’s podcast episode, my husband Shaun is back to help us understand the differences between how men and women approach sexual differences and he really talks a lot about a man’s number one need: respect.
Create Healthy Habits in Your Marriage The truth of the matter is your love making is dependent on the healthy habits you’ve created in your marriage. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can make love. Like, literally, how have you made love in your marriage? Some of these habits Shaun and I discuss are:
- Investing in your marriage on the front end
- Choosing to be consistent with spending quality time together (someone say date night!)
- Resurrecting the art of kindness
- Communicating about your needs (emotional, spiritual, and sexual)
Shaun also schooled us on his revelation on what he did to get more respect from me. Fellas, these truths right here might be a hard pill to swallow, but this is gold. I hope you can relate.
Communicating Your Sexual Needs Some spouses are super talkative between the sheets, and others need more help communicating their sexual needs. At the end of the day, only you can tell your spouse what you like and what you don’t. My heart goes out to both women and men who are unfulfilled and feel taken advantage of because they are not communicating their sexual needs.
In episode 4, on how to have a more fulfilling sex life, my friend Jessica and I talked at length about the need to communicate your sexual needs, and she gave some good tips on learning how to speak up for yourself and enjoy your spouse more.
Foreplay All Day I started to name this episode “foreplay all day.” That, in essence, is what is lacking in many marriages. Most husbands see foreplay as a necessary means to get what he really wants, while most wives’ sexual experience will be greatly hindered without it.
You may have heard that sex starts in the kitchen . . . this is true. In the morning while making that coffee, at your office while you’re in a meeting, on your drive home from work . . . These are all opportune times to sow seeds (no pun intended) into your spouse. Focusing on each other during the day pays huge dividends at night.
Be sure to listen especially to the end where Shaun talks about his take on sex toys. I really had to fight to keep a straight face!
Resources:
Register Today! Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop
Schedule Your Free Coaching Session: Danache.com/Coaching
Lies Women Believe About Sex – with Molly Moses The thing about the lies we believe is that we don’t know they’re lies. Obviously, right? But after speaking to so many women, I am convinced that women are still being fed lies concerning sex, sexuality, and what men really want. Thanks Cosmo. To help to inform us of the truth concerning sex and our sexuality is a new friend of mine named Molly Moses. Molly and I met on Clubhouse, the new audio-based social media app, and we hit it off right away.
Molly is an avid fitness coach, a wife, and a mother. She incorporates her faith along with her love of family, fashion, and fitness into her blog and her social media. In today’s podcast episode, Molly and I have a fireside girlfriend chat about how to develop a healthy body image, the best times to initiate sex, and we even give you some practical steps on how to feel beautiful in under ten minutes.
Making Sex a Priority Molly admitted that having conversations about sex was uncomfortable for her in the beginning of her marriage, because of how she’d been brought up. Let the church say amen. I can relate to that, and so can many others, which is why we discussed this very issue in episode 23: What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex. If you’re uncomfortable talking about sex in your marriage, it’s okay. It can take a while to get comfortable, depending on how much unlearning of inaccurate information you have to do.
As married people, we have to make sex a priority, though. Women, your husband told me to tell you he wants you to initiate. Now before you break out in hives, Molly helps us understand that the best time to initiate sex might be when you’re ovulating. I love her explanation of how she arrived at this conclusion and how it’s helped her to initiate sex more often with her husband.
Getting Your Sexy Back You might be wondering how you can initiate sex when you feel anything but sexy. I understand, girl! One of the points Molly and I discuss is how a little goes a long way to help you to feel sexy. Toss out those old sweats, put on some lip gloss, take a shower for the love of all things! When you look better, you feel better, and when you feel better, you do better. Molly talked about how to cultivate a healthier body image, and she talked about the negative side of a positive body image (let that sink in).
This is an episode you’ll want to share with your girlfriends. Ladies, sex is a powerful bonding agent that God intended for you and your husband. Use it well. There are so many women, just like you, who need encouragement in this area. That’s why I wanted to have the conversation about the lies women believe about sex. It starts with learning the truth. Embrace your sexuality in all its glory. And then chose to show up as confident as you can for your man.
Resources:
Molly’s Blog: www.shapeyourfit.com
Molly’s Instagram
Molly’s Twitter
Also listen to episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy, Redefining Sex – with Sheila Wray-Gregoire
Be sure to register for our upcoming marriage workshop – Making Love Outside the Bedroom!
Watch the video vodcast at realrelationshiptalk.com/videos.
Rethinking Intimacy & Redefining Sex- with Sheila Wray-Gregoire
There’s a big misconception that sex = intimacy. We even call sexy lingerie “intimates,” and refer to our action between the sheets as intimacy. But what if we actually need to redefine sex and rethink intimacy? The truth is you can have sex without being intimate (think one-night stands), and you can develop intimacy without sex (think a celibate, romantic relationship). If we have a shot at learning how to truly develop intimacy in our marriages and relationships, we have to get very clear on this point.
I wanted to have this conversation with popular blogger, author, and speaker, Sheila Wray-Gregoire, because not only is she amazing, but she has been a great teacher in helping couples to develop real intimacy in their marriages. Sheila is straight up. She holds no punches, and she will have your eyebrows raised for half this interview because what she shares is a much-needed dose of reality for those of us who are trying to build true intimacy in our marriages.
Away with the “Churchisms” My last podcast episode focused on what the church forgot to tell us about sex. Sadly, I see and hear from many Christians who have been invariably indoctrinated to believe that virginity equals purity and consent goes out the window once you get married.
Let’s talk about it.
The Purity Culture Sheila and I discussed how harmful the “purity culture” can be to say, a victim of sexual assault or someone who has made past mistakes concerning sex. With a generation of shame-filled saints, it’s no wonder true intimacy becomes a concept to be embraced but never enjoyed. Neither the sins you commit nor the ones committed against you make you impure. Having sex outside of marriage doesn’t make you any more impure than binge-eating (greed and gluttony), cheating on your taxes (lying) or buying that too-expensive house to impress your co-workers (covetousness).
I’m reminded of the beautiful promise of Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, and let us reason together, “says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” It’s Jesus, not whether or not we wear a purity ring, who makes us pure.
Redefining Sex and What it Takes to Create Intimacy Let’s get back to basics. How do you define sex? Sheila encourages us to think beyond vaginal intercourse when thinking about sex. Think broader. Sex is more than that. I can tell you there are many sexually frustrated married folks who are bored or unfilled with sex because they have a limited view of what sex actually is. This is dangerous because it gives room for married people to turn their eyes on another instead of each other. If only they knew to prioritize intimacy instead.
As we began to wrap up our conversation, Sheila and I talked about how porn is affected women at higher rates and we discuss the link between pornography and sex trafficking. If you are struggling with porn, please seek help. There are much better and healthier ways to spice up your sex life than porn.
I pray this episode will help you to rethink and rekindle intimacy as you learn to redefine sex in your marriage.
Resources: Sheila’s blog: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum!
Sheila’s books (discussed on the podcast): The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; The Great Sex Rescue(available March 21, 2021)
Sheila’s podcast: Bare Marriage
Feeling stuck in your marriage or relationship, let’s work together. Schedule your discovery call today at http://danache.com/coaching.
What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex – with Mark & Dawn Lawrence Dear Listener, let me preface this episode by saying that as a pastor, I realize I represent the church. But I’m a member, too. And I, too, have been disappointed with what the church has (and mostly hasn’t) taught about sex. These gaping holes in our formation have stifled and shamed many believers into secrecy. And we all know, secrecy is where the enemy does his best work.
I wanted to have a conversation with a married couple who I know embodies the wonder and wisdom of the Christian faith and whose personal lifestyle echoes their commitment to each other. Meet Pastor Mark and Dr. Dawn Lawrence. I’ve known the Lawrences for over 20 years, and the genuine love and affection they have for one another is contagious. They are such a great team, and I’m delighted to have them on the podcast today.
Here’s what we’re not going to do. We aren’t here to bash the church. We aren’t here to call out any specific church leader. And we aren’t here to hide behind old traditions and man-made doctrines. We want to uncover what God says about sex and how he meant for us to enjoy it.
Take Me to Church If you are still trying to make sense of how sex and church belong in the same sentence, you are the perfect listener for this podcast. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful gift that God gives to his married children. So, if it’s a gift, why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more churches working diligently to prepare singles for this lifetime commitment? Do we expect people to just figure marriage out on their own? The church’s job is to disciple (or train) believers in the ways of God. And sex is not an exception.
Lies We’ve Believed About Sex If I were to ask you to write a list of all the lies you’re believing, your list would probably be pretty short. The problem is most of us don’t realize we’re believing a lie. If we knew it was a lie, we wouldn’t believe it! Now, put on your thinking cap and ask yourself if what you’ve been taught about sex is producing good fruit (or results) in your life? If not, chances are it’s a lie. And we’re here to uproot some lies on this podcast today.
Some points that stuck out to me from this episode were:
- Lies and secrets are the enemies of intimacy.
- When you say “I do,” that means I do you, and you do me, exclusively.
- Marriage is for more than just pro-creation.
- Be honest with your sexual needs. Most people don’t have what they want because they aren’t willing to be honest.
- People are watching your lifestyle. What are you showing them?
- Stay curious and keep discovering your spouse.
- God is watching you when you have sex (LOL. I had to throw that one in there!)
After 35 years, the Lawrences are still trying new things. Now, that’s what I’m talking about. The fact that this long-married couple is still trying new things, still discovering each other is inspirational.
Take a listen to the podcast to glean from all the wisdom they shared.
Resources: * Raising them Special by Mark & Dr. Dawn Lawrence * Sex Begins in the Kitchen by marriage and family therapist Dr. Kevin Leman
Got relationship questions? Send ‘em my way: QandA@DanaChe.com
Do you feel stuck in your marriage or relationship? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me today.
What is Maintenance Sex and Should You Be Having It? When I first heard the term “maintenance sex,” I was like I have got to see what this is all about! What I learned is that it’s not unlike the regular, scheduled maintenance that we do for our cars. Think about it like regular sex checkups for your marriage. Sadly, many married couples pay more attention to their cars while neglecting their sexual intimacy. This ain’t cool, my friends. Just like a car will break down without proper maintenance, so will your marriage.
“But what if I just am not in the mood for sex?” You might ask. We covered this topic at length on the last podcast episode. I mentioned it then, and I’ll mention it now . . . love seeks the betterment of the other, not yourself. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself; it means you don’t only love yourself.
Scheduling Sex A good way to keep your sexual intimacy on track might be by scheduling sex. I just lost some of you right there, huh? Don’t knock it until you try it! There are lots of couples who have found that this works for their marriage. As a matter of fact, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, who were guests on a previous episode: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage are big proponents of scheduling sex. Personally, I see both pros and cons. One thing is for certain: that level of intentionality is wise. Too many couples think having a great sex life is just something that comes naturally. But honey, you’ve got to work at this!
What Husbands Think About Maintenance Sex They love it! Enough said! Seriously though, most men do not need a lot of emotional “warm-up” to engage sexually. Like a car, they’re ready to go as soon as they get turned on. Women, on the other hand, often don’t believe that maintenance sex is romantic, so they tend not to do it. I would encourage every wife to ask your husband what he feels about having sex to simply keep the connection going in the marriage. I can almost guarantee you he’ll be on board!
Resources: Listen to Spontaneous vs Scheduled Sex: One Extraordinary Marriage
Register for the Making Love Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che
Get more info on marriage or relationship coaching with Dana Che
Mood: When You’re Not in the Mood for Sex (All About Sex Series) Let’s talk about sex, baby! It’s not just a song that R&B group Salt-n-Pepa sang in the 90’s. Getting in the mood for sex is a daily battle many married people face. Sex can become just one more thing on our to-do lists, and combined with illness, unforgiveness, insecurities, and the like, sex can become a daunting task in marriage. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? What if you could not only address the issues of why you’re not in the mood for sex, but overcome some of the challenges that are causing a divide between the sheets?
In today’s podcast episode, I am going to unpack several causes of us not being “in the mood,” and give you some practical tips on how to get your mind, body, heart, and environment prepared.
Reasons You May Not Feel in the Mood for Sex 1. Busyness – It’s time to tackle that never-ending to-do list and create some margin in your life. Your marriage deserves your time and attention. Let me say it another way . . . your sexual intimacy deserves your time and attention. Don’t foster a sexless marriage because of doing too much. 2. Insecurities – Whether it’s a weight issue, past hurts, or plain ol’ lies we’re believing about ourselves, insecurities can have a field day in our minds and cause disconnection between spouses. If you’re struggling with negative thoughts, it’s time you let those go. Don’t allow your insecurities to rob you of a vibrant sexual relationship with your spouse. 3. Unforgiveness – We talked extensively about unforgiveness in episode 13 of the podcast, so go back and listen to that if need be. If you’re carrying an offense against your spouse, you won’t likely be in the mood for sex or be able to initiate or receive intimacy from him/her. 4. Bad Religion – Raise your hand if your church talked openly and favorably about sex as you were growing up. Oftentimes, what we learned (or didn’t learn) as children in church or at home negatively affects our sexual intimacy as adults. It’s time to weed out those incorrect teachings. 5. Depression – If you are dealing with depression, it’s time to seek professional help. Emotional intimacy is nearly impossible when you’re facing the emotional trauma of depression. So, take care of your mental health. 6. Poor health – Obviously there are times when we get sick and are unable or uninterested in sex. If you need to see your primary care physician due to prolonged illness or symptoms that keep you from being in the mood for sex, please do so. Many health-related problems, including low libido and low testosterone can be remedied if you’re willing to address them. 7. Selfishness – I saved the worst for last. Some married people aren’t suffering, they’re just selfish. A Scripture to help guard against selfishness is Philippians 2:4, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." I’m going to let that sit right there.
Quick Tips to Get in the Mood for Sex Now that’s we’ve discussed reasons why some married people struggle with being in the mood for sex, it’s time to talk about some quick tips for overcoming the mood issue and readying ourselves to change.
- Music – music is a powerful motivator and affects our emotions. Turn on something that will have you thinking of your honey in the most delectable ways.
- Focus – Some of us need to learn how to focus our attention on our spouses; not the kids, the laundry, our friends’ issues, post-election news, etc.
- Environment – It’s hard to feel in the mood for sex with a dirty, cluttered environment. Clean your room! Get that clutter out of that backseat (You know car sex is still a thing, right?). Make your space inviting and intimate.
- Communication – Maybe you just need to have a conversation about your sex life with your spouse and what’s keeping you from being in the mood for sex. If so, don’t put it off any longer.
Sex isn’t the only part of marriage, but it’s a big, important part. Employ some of the suggestions from this podcast and get yourself in the mood for sex. Your spouse is waiting!
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MarriageGoals for 2021
It’s the end of 2020, ya’ll! Aren’t we glad?! As we prepare to start a new year, we should all have some new marriage goals. Today's episode will help you to be intentional about the marriage you want and deserve. It’s been said that most people don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan. If you want a great marriage, it won’t happen by chance. Great marriages happen by choice. I am looking forward to building a great marriage. Aren’t you? This episode details five marriage goals I am focusing on for 2021 including:
- Pray for my husband daily.
I pray for my husband every day, but I mean, I want to really pray for him daily. I want to become more intentional in lifting him up to the Lord and covering him more than I have before. Husbands and wives, we have the extraordinary privilege and responsibility to pray for our spouses. If we don’t, who will?
- Have consistent pillow talks at night
Pillow talks are when you and your spouse lay on your pillows at night and talk about your highs and lows . . . the good things and the not so good that happened in your day. It’s an intimate time of connection that can help you sort out your feelings and nip any issues in the bud.
- Start weekly meetings
I admit, weekly “meetings” sounds so formal. But in planning them, we can focus on the nitty-gritty, ordinary issues of family life like finances, groceries, children’s schedules, etc. You should strive to not talk about these topics on your weekly date nights. Save it for your weekly meetings.
- Have weekly date nights
Shaun and I have always dated throughout our marriage, but I can’t say we do this every single week. In 2021, one of my marriage goals is to be more consistent with our weekly date nights. You can date just about anywhere. Check out this article for fun date night ideas.
- Plan three couples’ getaways for the year
Getting away together is so important. I don’t know many couples, however, who are intentional about going away. As a matter of fact, I would say the vast majority of married people rarely vacation alone together. My final marriage goal of 2021 is to plan three getaways for Shaun and me. These don’t have to be expensive or grand, but consistent alone time is crucial for a healthy marriage.
I want to encourage you to make some marriage goals for your relationship as well. No matter what happened in the past, you can begin again today. You can choose to have the marriage you want and deserve.
Maybe one of your marriage goals is to work on your sex life. We will dive right in to this topic in season three of the podcast - Maximizing Your Sex Life. Stay tuned!
Resources mentioned this episode: Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che
Books:
- 31 Days of Prayer for My Husband book by Jennifer Smith
- Marriage Fitness book by Mort Fertel
- Conversation Starters for Couples book by Rich & Deanna Millentree
- Romancing Your Husband book by Debra White Smith
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How to Be Heard in Your Marriage or Relationship When Shaun and I first got married, we struggled so much with our communication and wondered how to be heard by the other. So, Shaun came up with the brilliant idea to begin a communication notebook to help us verbally process our feelings with one another. It was a chance to express our feelings without interruption. It also allowed us to be honest with one another without fear of being misunderstood. In this episode, we're sharing creative solutions on how to be heard in your marriage or relationship to stop back-and-forth misunderstandings and ineffective communication.
Oftentimes we can’t move forward in our marriages or relationships because of communication barriers. Depending on your communication style, one spouse may need more time to process their emotions while the other spouse may be quick to respond. The key to being heard in your marriage or relationship is allowing grace for each person to communicate how they are wired best and truly making an effort to hear not only what’s being said, but the heart behind what’s being said.
Parenting Issues If you are married with kids, you have surely experienced disagreements with how to be heard by your spouse when you disagree with each other’s parenting styles or decisions. This can be so tricky because each spouse has their own perspective, values, and ways of doing things. If you’re not careful, your children can come between you, driving a deeper wedge in your communication. To combat this, Shaun and I decided long ago that it’s us against the kids. We love our kids, of course, but we are careful to not allow them to come between our relationship.
If one parent is the stronger disciplinarian, the other parent has to decide if you want to be right or if you want to be reconciled. Do you want your parenting issues to actually become communication issues between you and your spouse? Choose to back your spouse, especially in front of the kids. If necessary, the two of you can have a further discussion out of their earshot at a later time to discuss the situation further.
At the end of the day, we all want to be heard. We all want our voices and feelings to matter. It is my hope that after you listen to this episode, you will feel more confident in allowing your voice to be heard and hearing the voice of your spouse, and becoming creative with solutions that will better your marriage.
Resources:
Register --> Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – Couples Workshop
Listen --> Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing in Your Marriage or Relationship
Rate & Review --> Real Relationship Talk Podcast
How to Like Your Spouse When You Don’t Love Your Spouse
Do you ever wonder why you chose your husband or wife? You know you should love your spouse, but you don’t even like them. This episode is going to dive right into a thought that most married people have had at one point or another. “How can I love my spouse when I don’t even like him?” Truth be told, our feelings are fickle, and you should never allow your feelings alone to make decisions for you. You did like your spouse at some point. Remember?
I can totally relate to the feeling, though. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him with love again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much. The fact that we are still married (and going strong at that) 21 years later is a testament to the wonder and faithfulness of God!
A Dangerous Prayer I remember back to five years or so into our marriage, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way. God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. Because love without risk isn’t love at all.
In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat.
In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. We talked a great deal about unforgiveness in Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships. Be sure to listen to that one.
You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.
In the meantime, keep listening to this podcast, and be sure to write me your questions to QandA@danache.com.
Do you need more support in your marriage? Give marriage coaching a try. I work with “solo spouses” and married couples alike.
Learn more about my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.
The way to fix your marriage problems is simpler than you think. Stop focusing on the problems in your marriage and start creating connection instead. When I heard marriage expert Mort Fertel say this in his program, Marriage Fitness, I was confused. How could my marriage change if I stopped trying to fix the problems that were destroying it? Could he be just another person promoting another program that would leave me in the same condition I was . . . hopeless?
As I began listening to Mort’s wisdom and following the steps to “fixing my marriage problems” that he outlined in his program, Marriage Fitness, things did begin to change. I became more peaceful, powerful, and purposeful in the decisions I made in my marriage. Years later, after launching the Real Relationship Talk podcast, I knew I had to have Mort on the show.
Why Most Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work Mort does not believe the way most counselors provide marriage counseling works. He actually says, “The worst day of the week for many married couples is the day they go to marriage therapy together.” Can you relate? The reason, he says, is because the key to solving marital crisis isn’t in fixing what’s wrong (fixing your marriage problems), but in making new things right. Making new connections with your spouse is actually fun, productive, and far more effective than rehashing what’s wrong all the time.
Married couples need to know that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. This shouldn’t be shocking. The best athletes, doctors, and professionals in the world all have coaches and intense training. Why should marriage be any different? If you want to fix your marriage problems and make your marriage last, you must be willing to commit to making new connections and building new habits.
The core problem of every marriage is the same—a lack of connection. So work on that instead.
The Truth about Fixing Your Marriage The truth about marriage is often painful, and many couples would rather go around in circles rather than being honest about how to fix their marriage. Yet, the key to having a great marriage isn’t in finding the right person (or trying to make your spouse better), but in becoming the right person (bettering yourself).
For more information on Mort Fertel and his marriage fitness program, visit https://marrriagefitness.com.
To work with me as your marriage coach or for info on upcoming events, visit http://danache.com/coaching.
Did you know that shame is one of the silent killers of relationships? Many people deal with shame and don’t know it or don’t acknowledge its presence in their lives. Left unattended, shame causes disconnection, isolation, and destruction in our lives, marriage, and relationships. Why do so many people deal with shame? The answer is also the problem. They hide it. Truth be told, you can’t fix what you won’t face. Shame causes us to hide our true selves. We hide our emotions, needs, pain, and weaknesses from others, and sadly, some of us even hide these things from ourselves.
In this podcast episode, we will uncover the work of shame in our lives and uncover ways to become more vulnerable. My husband, Shaun, joins me yet again for today’s conversation and as I stated in the intro, things got a little tense as we dug deeper into some of the areas shame has made its mark on our marriage.
Knowing that you are suffering from shame is only half the battle. Once you realize its hold on you, it’s time to dismantle it. To help with this, I share four practices that helped me tremendously in my battle against shame:
- Reflection – Ask yourself the hard questions . . . When did I start feeling this way? What happened? Who told me I should be ashamed of myself?
- Empathy – We know that empathy is putting ourselves in the shoes of another and feeling someone’s pain. It’s very similar to grace. We often don’t show ourselves grace. When we learn to treat ourselves kinder, we will dismantle a lot of shame’s hold on our lives.
- Courage – Brene Brown says that, “Courage comes from a word meaning ‘heart.’ To live with courage, you need to be willing to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I couldn’t agree more. We uncover and dismantle shame when we are willing to face the truth of who we really are.
- Affirmations – Knowing who you really are should be enlightening and encouraging! You are not your mistakes. You are not your past. You are who God says you are! Learning the truth of who you are in Christ makes all the difference in the world. Find out what He says about you and begin to say those same words over yourself.
As we do the “heart work” of uncovering shame and discovering vulnerability, all of our relationships will change. You just watch.
Upcoming . . .
Married ladies, I’d love to see you at our upcoming workshop: Married Women’s Rights & Wrongs on December 15th. Join us LIVE in-person or online. Tickets are on sale now at http://danache.com/coaching. Be sure to register today!
Next week’s podcast episode features marriage expert, Mort Fertel, author of the book Marriage Fitness.
Let’s stay in touch! Follow me on Instagram or Facebook.
Have a question about your marriage or relationship? Email me at QandA@danache.com.
Did you know that couples who vacation together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who don’t? Could it be that getting away actually helps keep you together? Ustravel.org reports that “Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires.
Shaun and I had only been married a few years when we decided we were going to prioritize vacations in our relationship. What a difference it has made! Life is busy and is full of mundane, ordinary responsibilities. When you go away together, you rekindle something, something that is so easily lost in the everyday hustle and bustle of life. Even vacationing with your children can be therapeutic . . . I’m being serious. Family bonding works wonders for your marriage as well.
In this podcast, I share several travel tips that have helped Shaun and me to save money while still prioritizing our commitment to vacation. Tips like:
- Using the Hopper app to save time on booking airline flights
- Booking through the hotel or resort directly
- Searching for unadvertised deals
- Being flexible with your dates
- And one supercalifragilisticexpialidocious travel tip that you must listen to the podcast episode to glean!
No matter how or when or how much money you save when you vacation, take it from Nike, and JUST DO IT! Your marriage and your family deserve it!
Have a relationship or marriage question you’d like me to answer? Email me at qanda@danache.com.
And be sure to check out my relationship coaching packages and events at http://danache.com/coaching.
Are you struggling with the fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure, or a fear of commitment in your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder why you can’t connect deeply with the person you love? In today’s episode, my husband, Shaun, and I tackle these 4 major fears and help married couples and singles decode the reason many people self-sabotage their own relationships. Love can be scary. It’s risky, and there are no guarantees. The very fact that love is not “controllable,” is reason enough for some folks to remain shallow and fickle in their relationships.
I think of a time when our youngest son was afraid to go into the deep end at the local pool. He wanted to stay in the shallow end where the dangers were minimized. The problem is the shallow end gets boring after a while, and the rest of the family wanted to go deeper. Sadly, many people act like my son did that day. They forgo deeply connected marriages and relationships because of fear.
Once you recognize how these fears are affecting your relationship, it’s time to rid yourself of them. I share four simple solutions on how to do just this.
- Learn to embrace uncertainty. Brene Brown says, “the opposite of faith isn’t fear, it’s certainty.” Life isn’t certain, and love is a risk. In order for love to exist, you must take a risk.
- Heal from your past. This may require deep soul searching and/or working things out with a counselor or relationship coach.
- Silence your inner critic and replace your language. Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church, wrote the book Crash the Chatterbox to help us tackle those limiting beliefs. Be careful of how you talk to yourself about yourself.
- Take the courageous next step forward. How do you scale a mountain? One step at a time. Don’t try to tackle all your relationship problems at once. Examine which fears are holding you back and tackle one at a time.
Would you like a relationship coach? Be sure to check out my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.
And finally, grab your free copy of The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life today!
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. I appreciate your ratings and reviews!
If you’ve been a real relationship with someone, chances are that person has likely offended or hurt you at some point and you’ve had to choose to forgive . . . or not. Sadly, many relationships end not because of an offense but because of the offended person’s inability to forgive. Forgiving someone who hurt you isn’t easy. As a matter of fact, the closer the relationship, the harder it is, sometimes, to extend forgiveness.
In this podcast episode, my husband, Shaun, and I share from our own experience on times when we chose forgiveness. And, newsflash, it is work! However, there are a few quotes that I hang onto when I’m tempted to hold on to an offense and withhold forgiveness from someone: First, Nelson Mandela writes in his book, Long Walk to Freedom, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison." That.Is.Deep. When you chose to walk in forgiveness, you are literally walking out of a prison cell yourself. On the contrary, when you choose to hold on to unforgiveness, you remain locked in a prison cell of your own choosing.
Secondly, Martin Luther King Jr. reminds us that, “He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love." You can’t really say you love someone if you aren’t willing to forgive him/her.
Lastly, the words of Jesus Christ himself should send shivers down our spine when we realize that, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:5). I don’t know about you, but unforgiveness is a cost that I am unwilling to pay. It’s too expensive! Holding on to unforgiveness costs you true joy, peace, and relational wholeness. It just isn’t worth it.
As a reminder, on each episode I will be answering a listener question on a segment I’m calling Q & A with Dana Che. Today’s question comes from an anonymous Facebook listener who wrote, “My wife and I have been struggling to rebuild our marriage for a long time. I am starting to lose hope. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust her again even though I am desperately trying. How can I trust her when she continues to keep things from me?” What a loaded question. You’ll have to be sure to tune in to the end of the podcast for my answer. Hint, hint, we covered this in detail on episode 3: Rebuilding Our Marriage, Rebuilding Trust.
Download your free e-book: The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life.
Thank you for rating and reviewing this podcast! I appreciate your support!
It's a true fact that many people compare their relationship to someone else's. But what we don't talk about is how we compare ourselves to our partners. Comparison in relationships damages the joy, the appreciation, and the forward progression. We've all heard it said that the grass isn't green on the other side; it's green where you water it. And that is true. But what is also true is that when you learn to see your partner's strengths as assets that don't take anything away from you, you will be much less likely to compare yourself to them. I see this happen all the time in marriage. One spouse is better with finances or is more hospitable than the other. Instead of appreciation the differences, if spouses aren't careful, they can begin playing the comparison game. And real talk, there are no winners in the comparison game. It's not about being better than anyone else. Growing in relationships is about being better than you were yesterday.
My husband, Shaun, and I discuss how we have compared ourselves to each other in our marriage and the fallout it created. We also talk about how I compared our marriage to someone else's relationship and again . . . the fallout it created. Here's the thing: Shaun and I disagree on some aspects of comparing when it comes to unmet needs. You'll have to listen to hear us hash it out. In the meantime, be sure to download your free copy of the 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life and let us help you avoid these pitfalls in whatever relationship you find yourself in.
Download your copy here --> 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life
Like this podcast? Be sure to rate and review it and let me know what you think!
Interested in working with Dana as your relationship coach? --> Danache.com/Coaching
Are you steadily losing interest in your marriage or relationship? Have past hurts, disappointments, or rejection taken its toll on you or your partner? Join me and my husband, Shaun, today, for a conversation about apathy and how it is silently killing your marriage or relationships. Apathy is one of the undetected obstacles that plague many relationships. A partner is repeatedly offended and instead of continuing to move toward his/her spouse, he/she begins to clam up and move away from (or disconnect from his/her spouse. Left unattended that indifference becomes a lack of interest that will threaten to keep you emotionally (and eventually physically) seperated.
Many married couples (and those who aren't yet married) experience bouts of apathy and indifference. Is that normal? I would venture to say that there will always be some level of drifting in every relationship, but when it becomes prolonged, that's when it becomes a major problem. Shaun and I share from our experience on how hurt feelings, the silent treatment, and misunderstandings nearly destroyed our intimacy.
This is one conversation all married people need to hear. Your relationship is worth your time, energy, and attention. Don't allow the fear of rejection or past wounds to steal from the beautiful possibilities of what can be.
Stay with us as we launch season 2 of the podcast where we will dive into all five relationship mistakes that are wrecking your life from my newest ebook, The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life. Get your copy here --> http://danache.com/relationshipmistakes.
Communication problems are the #1 reason most couples cite when separating or divorcing. But don't be fooled, every couple communicates . . . you just might not do it well. Today's episode features marriage pastor Richard and his wife Deanna Millentree who wrote the book, Face to Face: Conversation Starters for Couples, as a way to help those in marriages or relationships to learn how to have healthy communication and better ways to reconnect to one another. This conversation will help you determine what story you are telling yourself, how to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and how to say what you really feel without judgment or shame.
Are you looking to have an extraordinary marriage? What if I told you that scheduling sex, being intentional with your intimacy, and having fun with your spouse were some of the top secrets of couples who enjoy a good marriage? Don’t just take my word for it. On todays’s episode, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the One Extraordinary Marriage podcast grace us with their bold, effective marriage advice and help us to understand how to connect with a disconnected spouse, how to take the guesswork out of creating intimacy, and what six pillars every healthy marriage needs in order to thrive.
With shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant, teenage pregnancy used to be a hot topic conversation in many homes. Though statistics show that teen births have dramatically decreased, parents still need to have these crucial conversations about sex with their kids. My mom and I were both teen moms. On today's episode, we both our stories of overcoming the statistics. We also share super practical tips with parents on how to have intentional and purposeful sex conversations with your kids before BoBo down the street or Sexy Sally from the Internet schools 'em.
Having healthy relationships with people of other races is crucial, especially in the times we’re living in now. But, how do we have more productive, civil, compassionate, and courageous conversations with those we disagree with?
The essence of healthy relationships isn’t that we don’t have conflicts, but that we learn how to manage them. My goal is to encourage you to have honest, vulnerable conversations that will help us to heal our world and make it a better place as we lean in to some necessary conversations about race.
Many of us have experienced childhood trauma that, unbeknownst to us, affects our marriage. Today's guests, Javier and Christina Llerena's marriage fell apart after a few years due to unresolved pain, unforgiveness, and a bout with depression. The Llerena's realized quickly that in order for their marriage to heal, they would need to do some real, internal work and surround themselves with a community of faith . . . specifically, other married couples who could support them in their dark season.
On this episode, we discuss the value of premarital counseling and what the red flags the Llerena's missed before getting married. There is also a cultural nuance in their marriage . . . Javier just became a U.S. citizen recently, and having a very different upbringing than Christina, the two struggled to connect. It all came to a head one fateful evening when Javier and Christina realized they needed help. Through making the choice to fight back and experience a breakthrough in their marriage, they have now helped hundreds of couples to overcome in marriage.
The Llerena's have written a book called Boundless Love, and serve premarital and marital couples in the California area primarily. To find out more about the Llerena's or to purchase their book, visit http://boundlesslove.us.
Thanks for listening to today's episode! For more information on my marriage coaching or upcoming workshops and to get your free copy of my latest e-book The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life, head over to http://danache.com/relationship-mistakes.
This episode is for single moms and single dads who are dealing with custody issues of children. Today's guest, Eric Carroll, founder of Dad Talk Today, shares with us some a very important perspective on the truth about "dead beat dads" and what's known as parental alienation. His commitment to see more dads be able to actually parent their kids is refreshing and his story, at times, is heartbreaking. Take a listen and see if you believe absent fathers have rights, and if so, what we can do to help them.
Learn what you can do to have a better sex life today! Join me and licensed sex therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese, as we have a conversation around building sexual intimacy in marriage. Sex shouldn't be a taboo topic in marriages nor should it illicit shame and anxiety. From a Christian perspective, Dr. McCleese shares about the value of having open and honest conversations with our children about their body parts, having the courage to tell your spouse what you do and do not like in the bedroom, and how to maximize the often forgotten about "afterglow" experience. This is an important conversation that will yield powerful and pleasurable results in your marriage.
For more information on Jessica's practice, visit http://befullwell.com.
And be sure to subscribe/follow my podcast and let me know how it's helping you in your relationship/marriage.
Have you ever wondered how married couples stay together after experiencing infidelity? Are you, maybe, searching for help with affair recovery after finding out that your spouse has been cheating? Are you struggling to forgive him/her or wondering if it’s time to just move on? In today’s episode, my husband, Shaun, and I have a very transparent and honest conversation about how we recovered from infidelity and how we rebuilt trust in our marriage.
To be honest, this isn’t easy. Recovering from infidelity takes a lot of work and you will have to pay a price. But it is possible. There are many couples who have overcome this kind of trauma in their marriage and their marriages have actually become even stronger as a result. If you are looking for help forgiving your spouse or looking to recover from an affair, you need to listen to this episode.
Looking for one-on-one or group marriage coaching, schedule a discovery call with me at http://danache.com/coaching.
Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and give it a good rating if you would!
Sadly, infidelity affects more and more married couples each year. It's one of the leading causes of divorce and yet it is 100% avoidable. How do couples find themselves in situations where infidelity has wreaked havoc in their marriage? And, more importantly, what can they do to overcome it? Join host, Dana Che, as she has a conversation with marriage therapist Dr. Cyrus Williams as they discuss setting boundaries, rebuilding trust, and avoiding the root issues that cause infidelity in marriage.
To learn more about Dr. Williams, visit http://impactccc.com.
For marriage coaching with Dana, visit http://danache.com/coaching.
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a rating while you're at it!
Welcome to Real Relationship Talk, a podcast about marriage, family, dating, friendships, and all things relationships. I'm so glad you're here! I am your host, Dana Che (pronounced Day-na Shay). I have been preparing this show for years, and I have been being prepared just as long. I wanted to create a show where real people with real issues could find real solutions to their real relationships.
I want our times together to be fruitful, joyful, and mutually beneficial. To that end, I carefully choose the relationship experts I have on the show with you in mind. No fakers allowed. And, you can trust that I will ask the questions you are thinking.
Relationship podcasts abound, so what makes this one different? We will address relationships holistically. For example, you can't really have a solid marriage if you're still wounded from childhood. You can't have fulfilling friendships when you haven't learned how to love yourself. I want you to feel confident in the episodes I share. And, of course, we will always keep it real!
So be sure to click that SUBSCRIBE button, SHARE, and RATE this podcast. Your support means the world!
To learn more about Dana Che, visit http://danache.com.