When Wagon Wheels Were Bigger: Recent Episodes
W4B
When Wagon Wheels Were Bigger is a weekly podcast that watches kids' TV from the eighties and casts a more cynical eye on the shows we used to love. Sometimes funny, usually disappointing, join your hosts Mark and Martyn and ruin a small part of your childhood week by week.
We finish watching Grease 2 this week, and what better way to celebrate a sequel that regurgitates tired old ideas than repeating a podcast episode that regurgitates tired old jokes and references?
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What better way to celebrate two middle-aged men reliving their childhoods than watching a load of middle-aged men pretending to be high school kids? It's Grease 2. Part 1.
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An astronaut becomes a space barbarian with a magic sword, in a cartoon which nobody remembers because it took a few more years to for the US government to allow cartoons to become adverts for toys.
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An alien boy with a magic gym bag fights against an evil queen to save all of sport. Because if there's anything we need more of during the summer months, it's sport. Endless, omnipresent, tiresome sport.
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You know what's worse than horrible thumb-sucking monkey toys? A cartoon that turns them into Ewok Smurfs.
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The premise of Everybody's Equal is that everybody is not equal because some people know more than others and those are the people who are the best at the game.
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Moondial is about a spooky magic time travel portal, which sounds fun, but is actually just an excuse to make kids watch a boring period drama where nothing interesting happens ever.
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CatchWord contestants have to make words using letters which are written on the screen, which makes for a very exciting and interesting episode of an audio-only show.
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The stench of booze and cigarette smoke seeps through the screen, as men with moustaches play whatever games they can find in the pub for as long as possible to avoid going home to the wives who hate them. AKA "the good old days."
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If grown adults wanted to throw balloons full of gunge at kids in the 80s, all they had to do was create a flimsy gameshow and invite Cheryl Baker on every other week.
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In the heart of Transylvania, in the vampire hall of fame, yeah? There's not a vampire zanier than Duckula. It's a show we said we'd never cover, but does it live up to its nostalgic reputation?
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Gary Coleman plays an angel with a magic frisbee halo, and occasionally fights a demon called Hornswoggle. It's enough to make anyone say "whatchoo talkin' 'bout?"
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In their animated spin-off, Laverne & Shirley were free to do all the things the characters naturally wanted to do without budget constraints, such as joining the army, going into space, and taking orders from a talking pig.
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Over 300 Dodge Chargers were destroyed during the making of the Dukes of Hazzard tv show. The same amount were destroyed during the making of the animated series, but that was merely a coincidence.
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Hank the Cowboy was a pretty innovative cut-out animation show introduced by a ventriloquist whose act was made for the radio.
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If the Smurfs were medieval dogs, they would be the Biskitts. But why would anybody want that? It doesn't matter, it happened anyway.
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The Krankies were a comedy act about a naughty schoolboy played by a tiny woman and a man who may or may not be the schoolboy's father despite also being the tiny woman's husband. It's all perfectly fine, don't worry about it.
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Bruce Forsyth hosts the "reverse gameshow" where contestants start with prizes and slowly have them taken away despite their best efforts to keep them, like a metaphor for becoming middle-aged.
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The Real Ghostbusters was the perfect toy line for those 3am drawing board ideas nobody else wanted. A binman who turned into a fly? Sure! An old lady with a hidden crocodilian jaw? Why not? If there's something strange in your neighbourhood, it's probably a toy from GHOSTBUSTERS!
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A range of toy vehicles with hidden weapons and transforming features which included articulated drivers and pilots? The M.A.S.K. toy designers were definitely working overtime, although I can't comment on whether they were also fighting crime, FIGHTING CRIME!
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A random assortment of vehicles, objects and creatures that could change into robots were thrown together haphazardly into one toy line, and we used to beg our parents to buy them for us because there was a cartoon about them. Also because they were awesome.
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This week we watch ads for all the original TMNT action figures, and realise that we have owned or played with most of them.
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We have the power to celebrate our spoiled privileged childhoods by watching action figure ads from the 80s. We're starting strong with He-Man, the powerful space barbarian with the weak disguise.
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Dick King-Smith lives on a farm where most of the animals are puppets, and most of the farm work involves telling stories. I bet there are kids who grew up to be farmers who are furious with him right now.
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We usually love a gameshow, but sometimes we love a gameshow not. This is one of those times.
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"Up Our Street" sounds quite amusing if you emphasise syllables in a certain way, and that is probably the only funny thing about it.
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Gary Wilmot hosts the weird fake gameshow that asks the only question that really matters.
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More puppets and imagination-based fun as we watch Hokey Cokey, a show made in a time when searching through bins for props and set decorations was accounted for in the budget.
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Basil Brush is a puppet fox who is so posh that he probably thinks fox-hunting is a good thing. Makes you think.
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Connections is an eighties gameshow about things that are the same as other things, where points don't seem to matter and contestants are replaced every two minutes or so anyway.
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The Brollys live in a weather house and teach weather facts to a weather-obsessed boy, which sounds boring because it is. But we are middle-aged men who don't even know how clouds work.
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A collection of stuffed animals with incredibly boring descriptive names live together under the watchful eye of Old Bear, so-named because he's old, and a bear. See what I mean?
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In what is now a New Year's tradition for When Wagon Wheels Were Bigger, we watch a clumsy butler trip over a tiger rug whilst getting completely hammered. Have we actually rewatched it, or is this a repeated episode? Who can tell any more...
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Nothing says "Christmas" like weird human-animal hybrids offering suspicious tea to evacuees via furniture-based dimensional portals.
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If we could have watched toy adverts whenever we liked in the 80s, we probably wouldn't have spent so much time looking in catalogues. Well, not at toys anyway.
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We delve into another showcase of toys from the past, like rummaging through your attic or garage but without the awful smells of dust and damp cardboard.
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We embrace nostalgic capitalism in the spirit of the season, as we start a month of watching adverts for old toys and games we definitely wanted and probably got. Because we were spoiled and awful.
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A sensible dog teaches a naughty dog life lessons and morals, in a boring cartoon which is boring.
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Grotbags got her own show because everybody prefers the villain. But in a way, Emu was also the villain, attacking celebrities and throwing Rod Hull into freezers. I wish Grotbags had eaten him.
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The Mouse Factory is not about a factory that produces mice, nor is it about a factory operated and owned by mice. Titles are misleading sometimes, don't trust anything.
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Pardon My Genie is probably a pun, but if it is one, it isn't a good one. Which is thematically appropriate.
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KID: "Mum, can we have Sesame Street?" MOTHER: "We have Sesame Street at home!" The Sesame Street at home is the Letter People.
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A sexy catalogue model teddy bear goes travelling, mainly to show off his bare bear chest and medallion. This show is real.
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Despite being a bit formulaic, The Mighty Orbots appears to have been a good cartoon, which is hard to make fun of and that makes the creators pretty selfish I reckon.
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Whether you love or hate the cartoon adventures of Jem and the Holograms, by the end of this episode, the word "hologram" will have become meaningless.
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The Double Deckers are some kids who live in a bus and are also a band. One of them might turn into a stuffed tiger, that is not actually made clear.
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Think of a number. No, not that one. It's rude.
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Pac-Man is the first tv show to be based on the Pac-Man arcade game. The second one is Most Haunted.
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Three famous American sport players fight crime using their sporting abilities, but one of them is too famous to actually turn up in person.
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A load of sleepy-eyed stop-motion aliens exist, and do things, I expect. Molly's Gang is very forgettable is what I'm saying.
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A panda is rescued from a crate and does magic with maths, endangering his young human friends with hilarious consequences.
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We settle in to watch some sheep dog trials, which is a lot less exciting than it sounds. Or more exciting, depending on your stance on farm work vs legal dramas.
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How should we pronounce "Dino Boy?" Is it "Dino Boy," or "Dino Boy?"
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This week we see what happened when the BBC had access to computer graphics. And a joystick.
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This week we use our audio-only format to watch a gameshow about guessing a tune with the volume mostly down.
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A boring gameshow for kids about geography is not made better by including the pursuit of a big robot. Geography is dull.
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Trying to make an educational cartoon fun is like putting a cherry on top of a dog poo. There, I said it.
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Wally is a man who is constantly playing hide and seek, and like a toddler who has just discovered the game, continues to hide in the same place forever.
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Sequels are always brilliant aren't they? I bet you can't think of a single example of a horribly disappointing sequel. On a completely unrelated note, we watched the Return of Dogtanian.
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If you think we make loads of funny jokes about balls this week, you're wrong. Our jokes are never funny.
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We did a show about tugs once before, and invited you to make your own jokes then. We'd advise doing the same again, as ours haven't got any better.
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Gruey is another dull tv show about a mischievous northern schoolboy, but we spend more time talking about the mischievous projects the main character filmed as an adult.
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You haven't heard of Street Frogs, but it was a real cartoon about frogs, living on a street.
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Pigsty is about a diner which is run by nightmarish pig-human hybrids and everybody is cool with that, yeah? Nobody questions it, it's fine. Just eat your food and go about your day.
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Wonderbug is about a cheeky car that's alive, but it's completely different from Herbie the Love Bug, so stop saying that it's the same because it isn't.
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A boy falls into a hat and hat people live in hats inside the hat and they ride hats around. Also, the boy is Eddie Munster.
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A frog and a toad are friends. It's in the title.
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Alfonso Bonzo is a thirty-something exchange student who forces cursed magical items onto a hapless schoolboy, probably to teach him a lesson or something.
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An insect band tries to evade the schemes of a jealous witch with a rat chauffeur.
That's the show.
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What's scarier than a haunted puppet? A haunted puppet with multiple identities ready for a quick escape to another country.
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Someone should make a tv show based on brine shrimp eggs. Said no-one, ever.
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How did the Rhino get its skin? Millions of years of environmental adaptation, or a cake-based prank? In today's post-facts world, there's really no way to say for sure...
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To show how far we've come in the last ten years we present the very first episode of W4B, in which we watch some teenagers dealing with the everyday problems of being trapped in a fantasy world with a rubbish unicorn. It's just as good as it sounds. And thanks to our 2015 recording setup it sounds terrible.
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In our 500th episode spectacular, we revisit one of Mark's childhood favourites by watching the 1967 Asterix movie with a few of our loyal Patreon members.
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All preschool tv shows about words and pictures used to be obliged to include a puppet from your nightmares. Canada was not exempt from this rule.
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Some classic haunted puppet fun this week as we watch Rupert Bear in a decidedly more supernatural setting than his bejumpered and chequered appearance would have you expect.
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It's the 10th anniversary of W4B, and we go back to where it all started by watching Dungeons & Dragons again. But this time, it's the fan-made production of the unmade final episode script.
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It would be incredibly lazy to make jokes about drug-use when watching H.R. Pufnstuf. So we won't do that. We'll just say it's crap.
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Dyma nodiadau'r sioe yn Gymraeg. Mae'r bennod hon yn ymwneud â hwyaden. Nid yw'n dda iawn.
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What would it look like if dinosaurs evolved into sentient bipedal spacefaring warriors and fought alongside some kids with magic rings? The most bland generic 80s cartoon imaginable? Oh.
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The desperate outcome of a late night toy company meeting somehow gets a competent animated series.
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If you find a giant mysterious egg, make sure to stick around to ensure the creature inside immediately imprints on you, lest it hatches with murderous intent.
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Two claymation cats meet other mysterious animals and learn not to be scared of what they don't understand. Pretty deep for five minutes of plasticine squishing around all over the place.
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Is there a better way to welcome a new year than by watching a drunken butler trip over a tiger rug? Of course not, it's a tradition, so endure this one again (again) and have a Happy New Year!
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What's more Christmassy than a Punch and Judy Man and a Magician fighting over a box? Nothing, that's what.
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Time for some commercial nostalgia as we delve into a collection of adverts for products you can't buy any more in shops that no longer exist from a time that you can never get back. Happy Christmas.
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We finish our journey through the land of public information films with some reminders about how scary roads are, and why we should probably just stay indoors all the time.
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A stereotypical british couple go on holiday to watch people drown just so we can learn that coastguards exist, while we celebrate the unique musical stylings of the B-52s.
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In the 1980s, Superman was massively into stopping kids from smoking. Not by going after the big tobacco companies, but by punching creepy weirdos into the Sun!
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In the 1970s, parents relied on domestic animals to relay important safety messages to their children. Basically if you didn't have a cat you were doomed to set yourself on fire, drown or be abducted.
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Despite how often stupid people like to tell us life was better in "the good old days," we apparently still needed terrifying mini horror movies to teach kids not to drown or get electrocuted for the sake of a cheap plastic frisbee.
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It's that special time of year again, when irresponsible parents need a hand teaching their unruly kids not to enjoy fireworks. Don't hold them, don't approach them, don't even look at them!
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We return to Mr Pipes' house to finish Ghostwatch, and to find out whether Craig Charles actually gets to do anything interesting.
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It's October, so we've finally decided to face our fears and watch the infamous mockumentary about a ghost named after plumbing supplies. It's too scary for just one episode...
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David Walliams wears a rubber wig and plays a rubbish AI elevator forcing young contestants to play Incredible Games, but there's only one good game, and it's been stolen from the Adventure Game.
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A teenager is saddled with looking after younger kids, in the least exciting premise for a cartoon since that one about a weird blue thing that lives under a sink.
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People with obscure jobs perform unhelpful mimes to demonstrate what they do to bored celebrities who get paid the same fee whether they guess correctly or not.
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90s kids answer questions about films they probably shouldn't have seen, and take part in mini-games about films they probably shouldn't have seen.
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In a world of fuzzy felt and imagination, an awful grinning puppet brings paintings to life and the paintings exact their horrifying revenge in the woods.
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Graham Thornton teaches children how to look after animals, but it was the early 80s so all the advice is terrible and has since been proven to be bad and wrong.
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Stu Francis tries some DIY while Carole Ann Rice wastes some food in the Krazy Kitchen, and we debate how much crazier something is when you spell it incorrectly.
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Making cartoons in the 80s was easy. Just find a book series that's full of illustrations, and film those while someone reads out all the words.
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Wheel in a big telly and let's all sit around and watch something educational to give the teacher a five minute break from their thankless overworked existence.
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A ventriloquist lives in a hotel, and unfortunately he brought his puppets with him.
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If a cartoon called The Bots Master was made today, the main character would probably just be a social media manager. Good joke.
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Ring Raiders is a lesson for marketing departments everywhere - let at least one thirteen year old do a ten second innuendo check before spending any money on branding.
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Look, we've got a cool podcast. An ALF podcast! Remember ALF? He's back!
In podcast form.
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We've watched a lot of terrifying puppets during the course of this podcast, but the puppets in the Rimini Riddle wouldn't look out of place in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Hills Have Eyes.
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He-Man was essentially just a child-friendly Conan the Barbarian rip-off, so it's a shame that when they eventually made a Conan cartoon for children it was forgettable boring rubbish.
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We debate the pros and cons of being a Highlander as we watch another cartoon based on a film that wasn't for children. It's a kind of magic that it even got made, but thankfully, there can be only one.
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A boatful of research scientists routinely harrass a kaiju and befriend its ridiculous cowardly nephew, in the bizarre first part of our latest trilogy of cartoons for kids based on movies for grown ups, Godzilla (and Godzoooooooky).
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The scarecrow is alive, the farm animals are stop-motion, and the local bird population are mostly hand puppets. Forget Me Not Farm might not be growing "normal" crops if you know what I mean...
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Mike Amatt had a dog and a cat, and apparently that was enough to get TV shows commissioned in the eighties.
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Historically, there were loads of musketeers, but only four of them were noteworthy, and only three get any credit. The fifth one is rubbish.
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Animals dress up as humans and assume human-like lives in The Get Along Gang, which teaches lessons about friendship and teramwork and how to kill off all the humans probably.
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Chips Comic was a show about a comic called Chips Comic, not to be confused with Chips, the comic in Whizzer and Chips comic. Also there's a bloke in a dog costume for some reason.
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In the 1980s, everyone had puppets living next door. Borrowing your sugar, commenting when you wash your car, and confusing the human toddlers in the neighbourhood.
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Some animals keep a man as a pet and make him sing and dance in the street for pennies, in this grim post-apocalyptic tale about the horrors of slavery or something.
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A Grinnygog is a cheap-looking magic statue, and the centrepiece of this slow-moving story about 80s kids, vicars, and witches (eventually, probably, maybe).
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Clock Man is a Czech cartoon long considered to be lost media, which may or may not be haunted and/or cursed. The only way to decide is to track it down and watch it yourself. All hail Clock Man.
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We sit down for a spell to listen to George Cole reading a story about a kindly old magic-user. Wand-er if it'll be magic? That's witch-ful thinking! You try writing these...
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If you like the idea of cricketers being reimagined as rabbits, you should probably seek professional help. But oh boy, do we have the one extremely niche cartoon for you!
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We grew up in a time when someone could sew a squeaker into a sock and make a fortune from pretending it was entertaining. No wonder our generation hates everything now.
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Jeremy Beadle teaches kids about inventions and discoveries, while we think of some better things he could have been doing with his time, instead of making Eureka, which is what we're watching.
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We haven't heard of this, you probably haven't heard of this. All we know is there are Rock Lords in it. Let's all just get through it together as best we can.
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Remember when everyone thought Virtual Reality was brilliant, but it actually turned out to be a load of rubbish? Of course you do, it's still happening. Satire. Virtually Impossible is like Knightmare, but probably cost a lot more and looks a lot worse.
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Just so you're not disappointed, this isn't about Jimmy Tarbuck playing snooker, or installing doors and windows, or adding wooden structures around the edges of paintings, or setting up innocent people so they appear to have committed crimes.
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Ren and Stimpy were famously never drawn the same way twice. Teetime and Claudia also share this quality, but for a very different reason.
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Doris is a cat made from cut-out paper whose world is brought to horrifying life with the nightmarish screeching of 80s synthesizer music.
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Michael Barrymore reads words from a book whilst a puppet dogs attempts to draw the images conveyed by the words, in Sebastian the Incredible Drawing Dog. You could say they're pooling their resources, but I don't know why you would...
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Dappledown Farm straddles two different realities - one resembles the real world, the other is made up of painted sets and puppet animals. Briant Cant doesn't notice, because he's an omnipresent interdimensional being.
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Imagine if a Smurf and a Poddington Pea were able to breed. Go on, really imagine it with your imagination.
Urgh. That's disgusting.
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"Wait a minute," we hear you say, "you've already done Rainbow!" And we did, in episode 67. But that was the REAL Rainbow, whereas this is some horrible Wish.com-style reboot. Do people still talk about Wish.com? Or is this the Temu Rainbow?
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Back when TV screens were tiny, fuzzy and colourless, Andy Pandy was the king of horrible haunted wooden things on strings. Thankfully the toddlers of today would kick him to bits in a sugar-induced frenzy.
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"Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb!" The OG stop motion firefighters spring into action as we finally pay a visit to Trumpton, despite both assuming we'd already watched it.
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Is there a better way to welcome a new year than by watching a drunken butler trip over a tiger rug? Of course not, it's a tradition, so endure this one again and have a Happy New Year!
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It's Christmas, so we're gonna party like it's 1984, by hanging around in a cardboard windmill while a witch tries to capture a puppet.
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Clive Dunn had a number one hit single called Grandad in 1971, then made a TV show called Grandad without even using the song Grandad as the theme. And the show isn't even really about him being a Grandad.
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Kid 'n' Play were also known as the Fresh Force Crew. That sounds like a better name for a cartoon. Or a line of action figures. Or cleaning products.
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Rod Hull made loads of live action tv shows about living with an emu and being chased around by a witch, and when he was given the chance to write and star in a cartoon, he also made that about living with an emu and being chased around by a witch. Say what you like, that man knew his target audience.
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Bob Monkhouse hosts a classic boring gameshow based on Bingo, without the massive marker pens and angry pensioners. Although it was the eighties, so there's no way to know how old these contestants are.
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Most people in the UK have heard of Viz, the naughty sweary comic for adults. In the early 90s, there were a lot of cheap knockoffs, and Zit the comic produced an even cheaper VHS full of badly animated versions of their comic strips.
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The bloke who made Camberwick Green, Trumpton and Chigley clearly wasn't satisfied with a legacy of beloved and timeless animations, so he made sure to create something horrifying and awful before the end of his career.
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Spike Milligan ad libs the narration for a cartoon about rats that his daughter came up with. I bet if we'd listened to this instead of talking all over it we might have actually enjoyed this.
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Time for another cartoon we assumed we'd already talked about, as we watch Roobarb and discover that one of us has always been fundamentally incorrect about this scribbly cartoon dog.
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Want to jazz up some bible stories a bit? Just give everything two heads, and make everything that isn't usually alive, alive. And keep them under 5 minutes, that'll help as well.
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There were several elephant-based kids' shows in the 80s and 90s. This is one of them.
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We finish our trilogy of cartoons based on films that weren't made for children, by watching Police Academy the Animated Series, because nothing sells action figures like jokes about sexual harrassment and homophobia.
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We continue our trilogy of cartoons based on films that weren't made for children, by watching Robocop the Animated Series, because nothing sells action figures like the reanimated corpse of a mutilated police officer.
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We start a trilogy of cartoons based on films that weren't made for children, by watching Rambo: The Force of Freedom, because nothing sells action figures like post-traumatic stress disorder.
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We watch some more old ads to reminisce about how spoiled we were when we were kids, and look at loads of toys we probably ended up owning because we cried about them.
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We watch some old ads to reminisce about chocolate we used to eat and wish we were still eating. Why aren't we eating chocolate right now? To be honest, one of us probably is...
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Elephants wear clothes and glasses and talk and everyone's just cool with that for some reason apparently. Still, they have a functioning monarchy so best not to ask too many questions or Babar will probably have you beheaded.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
That's right, we threatened we'd do it, so now sit back and watch everyone's favourite mish-mash of Japanese Super Sentai shows and American teenagers with "attitude." An attitude that's generally pleasant and well-meaning. Edgy.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Is there a better way to welcome a new year than by watching a drunken butler trip over a tiger rug? If there is I don't want to hear about it. Because I watched this and I'm already depressed enough.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Allsorts is an awful cut-price Rainbow wannabe, except instead of puppets there are simple men, and instead of a bear there's a human-dog hybrid straight out of your nightmares.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Dodo likes to rhyme whilst speaking, if irritation's what you're seeking.
His alien race resembles pixies, like the ones on your Rice Krispies.
He also has a robot chicken, whose face and beak I'd like to kick in.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
The Animal Kwackers look like a group of bank robbers who went to a fancy dress shop that was going out of business. Or a Banana Splits tribute act who hated the Banana Splits. Or the physical embodiment of some lost lyrics from "I am the Walrus."
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
If you Google Sir Prancealot you'll probably get a load of boring statistics about a racehorse, but that's still more entertaining than this cartoon.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Round 3... FIGHT! We finish our fighting game trilogy with the Mortal Kombat animated series, presumably made for all the kids who weren't allowed to play the gory games, but did anyway.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
We continue our fighting game trilogy with the animated spin-off of a side-scrolling arcade beat-em-up. But why does this cartoon feel like it takes twice as long to watch? Because it's Double Drag-on!
This is the best I could come up with, leave me alone.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
We're digging out our 50ps and stacking them up on the arcade cabinet, as we watch the Street Fighter animated series. It's not in our usual time frame, but when asked if we could do it we decided "SURE-YOU-CAN!"
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Some nosey kids investigate a spy operation in a castle instead of just calling the appropriate authorities, in predictably boring Enid Blyton fashion.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Fourways Farm is a stop-motion animation about talking animals voiced by Martin Jarvis. Not that we can hear him in this version. Or see much of the episode. Or care.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Des O'Connor forbids the explicit use of positive and negative replies then tries to buy keys from people to stop them opening boxes full of cucumbers. He also made Take Your Pick. IF YOU LIKE WHAT WE DO AND WANT TO HELP US CONTINUE;
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Tiny dolls have a tiny adventure in this tiny episode, where we watch yet another show about toys that come to life. If Toy Story had been set in the UK in the 1980s, there would have been a lot more haunted and/or racist dolls in it.
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This probably isn't the Barney you're thinking of. But that's your problem.
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If you inherit a load of creepy old dolls, should you; a) play with them, b) display them proudly, or c) never turn your back on them, don't even blink, burn them, burn them all and scatter the ashes as far apart as possible...?
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Nerys Hughes is obsessed with alligators. "See you later alligator," she would say when waving goodbye. But if you replied with "in a while, crocodile," she would get angry. She used to make people say "in a while, alligator" instead. It doesn't even rhyme.
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Imagine Rod, Jane and Freddy, but Scottish, and with more kettles. That's this.
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The world's laziest animators film themselves waggling a Hairy Jeremy around. Willy joke, everyone laugh.
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We love a good gameshow on this podcast, but we've done all those, so we watched Runway instead.
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A Dutch owl puppet reads made up stories from a newspaper in the creepy-pasta-waiting-to-happen, The Daily Fable.
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Years before the disaster-based trauma of Thunderbirds, or the Zelda-based trauma of Terrahawks, Gerry Anderson set out to traumatise children with the sleepy-eyed hunchbacked puppets of Torchy the Battery Boy.
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After more than 400 episodes, we're getting nostalgic for our own nostalgia. So we decided to face the horror of our own mortality, as all the skin falls off our faces and our skulls disintegrate. We also watch Knightmare again. "Oh dear..."
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Remember Spatz? Well this is that, except with ice cream. If you don't remember Spatz, we envy you.
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"Ranger... Barbarian... Magician... Thief... Cavalier... and Acrobat!" 100 more episodes have gone by, so Mark and Martyn re-re-re-revisit the first episode of blah blah blah you know the drill.
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Nice to see 400 episodes, to see 400 episodes, NICE! We thought we'd celebrate with a GOOD GAME, GOOD GAME, but we ended up watching the Generation Game instead.
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Maths was much more exciting in the 80s, when mental space wizards would magically appear and threaten kids with knives until they learned how to maths. Luckily there was a documentary film crew on hand making Maths-In-A-Box to prove I'm not a liar.
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TWITTER: @spreadthewhimsy FACEBOOK: facebook.com/whenwagonwheelswerebigger WEBSITE: whenwagonwheelswerebigger.com W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Nightmare marionette antics with Mumfie, a horrible puppet elephant who hangs around with other horrible puppets, including witches, scarecrows and sometimes TV and radio broadcasting legends.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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We complete our podcast trilogy with Tom Slick, a racing driver hero whose vehicle is genuinely called the "Thunderbolt Grease-Slapper." Write your own jokes about that, I can't be bothered.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Part two of a podcast trilogy, in which a chicken drinks a questionable substance, dresses up like a musketeer and teams up with a lion to fight crime. And it's still better than George of the Jungle.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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In the first part of a podcast trilogy, we watch George of the Jungle, a cartoon about a clumsy tarzan knock-off with one joke that's already lost its appeal by the end of the intro.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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The Spooks of Bottle Bay look like the result of ten different art departments each working on one puppet design separately without talking to each other, whilst each art department involved is being terrorised by demons throughout their design process.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Roger Ramjet loves "filling up" his jet, if you know what I mean. I mean he completely fills the entire vehicle with his body mass when he's piloting it.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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"Ooh Betty, yes Miss Diane, my name is Michael Caine."
Now you've experienced every episode of Copy Cats.
You're welcome.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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A small town police officer is roped in to solve some high profile gruesome murders, and has to go up against a hard-bitten police chief and all the corrupt cops who are determined to stand in his way.
That's not true.
Made it up.
Shouldn't have done.
Sorry.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Let's say goodbye to 2022 with a couple of mischievous magpies trying to blow stuff up.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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It's Christmas this week, the best time to watch some minor celebrities dress up in lycra and compete against people named after animals, weapons, vehicles and... uh, weather. AWOOGA!
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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When you were watching Minder in the past, I bet you couldn't help imagining what it would be like if all the characters were mice who lived in the London Underground, and also were completely different to their Minder characters. It's your fault they made this.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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The butcher in Wimpole Village is called Ted Dripping. If I'd looked this up before we recorded the episode I bet we'd have had a good laugh about that.
W4B theme composed by John Croudy W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Pee-Wee had a lot of success with this playhouse, then had a rather unfortunate time with a different pee-wee in a very different kind of playhouse...
W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Pee-Wee had a lot of success with this playhouse, then had a rather unfortunate time with a different pee-wee in a very different kind of playhouse...
W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
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Tony Slattery hosted a quiz based on possibly the most boring board game ever made. Hope it doesn't send you to sleep! Seriously, don't close your eyes, not around these contestants...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
This is about two gnomes. One is called Mr Fisher, and the other is called Mr Wheeler. Why is the show called "Chish 'n' Fips" then? You'll have to find out yourself, this only just occurred to me.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Cannon and Ball's Casino seems like a light-hearted gameshow full of variety acts, but it's also a real casino. Tommy is the eagle-eyed pit boss circulating your description to every other casino, and Bobby will break your legs if he thinks you're counting cards.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
As a Halloween treat, Mark and Martyn talk about sweets and watch the scariest TV special ever made. So turn off the lights, Parky yourself somewhere comfortable, and pipes down...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
Everyone remembers He-Man as a blatant toy commercial, but Edward and Friends are made of Lego and that's the most expensive material in the universe. Even more than Antimatter I imagine.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
You know what the world needed in the 1950s? Loads of comic strips about gangs of kids hanging out with dogs. This cartoon is based on one of those. Not the good one though.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
If Parsley was a lion made out of plant matter, could a vegetarian eat him? It's confusing, where is the line?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Additional musical contributions by R Gill
What do you get if your garden is full of policemen, dragons and lions? A new house! Or a new prescription.
We watch some classic stop-motion shenanigans with mad old rubbish The Herbs.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Spider in the bath, there's a spider in the bath. Burn the bath, sell the house, spider in the bath!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Spider in the bath, there's a spider in the bath. Burn the bath, sell the house, spider in the bath!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Two incompetent construction workers do a thing while a little girl also exists.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Two incompetent construction workers do a thing while a little girl also exists.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A haunted biscuit comes alive after dark in a kitchen full of nightmares.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A haunted biscuit comes alive after dark in a kitchen full of nightmares.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We've had our summer holiday but that's over now, so time to go back to school. Urgh, Mum, I don't feel well, can I stay at home? First Class was a school gameshow for the weekend, which is the worst thing anyone has ever come up with. Don't try to think of anything worse, this is it.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We've had our summer holiday but that's over now, so time to go back to school. Urgh, Mum, I don't feel well, can I stay at home? First Class was a school gameshow for the weekend, which is the worst thing anyone has ever come up with. Don't try to think of anything worse, this is it.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
There's a little man made out of acorns living in a tree with a load of squirrels. Presumably that means the squirrels are more scared of him than he is of them. Makes you think.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Trollkins has been described as a combination of the Smurfs and the Dukes of Hazzard. If that doesn't put you off I don't know what will.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Johnson and friends are a bunch of puppets owned by an Australian who will haunt your nightmares. But enough about the Conservative government, we're watching a show about a fat pink mess who hangs around with a load of scary weirdos. Wait a second...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Apparently, fish commit crimes as well, and it'll take a pink shark and some kind of other fish to stop them. They'll solve any mystery, apart from why this cartoon was ever made.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Picture Pages might be the most boring thing Bill Cosby did, but we definitely don't want to fall asleep...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Remember He-Man? This is that. Only worse.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Pat Coombs and Keith Chegwin are a cat and a dog who live in a box. And play, presumably.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
This episode is so good, it'll make you laugh your BLANK or BLANKS off.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
After school clubs were always terrible. This one turned out to be especially bad.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Where does a dracula buy a goldfish, or a frankingstein find a hamster? Would you sell a cat to a werewolf? Dr Zitbag's Transylvania Pet Shop is less interesting that all of these questions.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Every now and then, we watch something genuinely good like Paddington Bear, the incredibly labour-intensive stop-motion animation from Ivor Wood. Don't worry though, I'm sure there will be some willy jokes in here somewhere, and Mark definitely says "boobie."
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A bunch of kids live in a wasteland where the only entertainment is the most boring of all fairground rides. I'd probably talk to snails as well.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
"What do kids like?"
"Cartoons?"
"Of course."
"Action and adventure?"
"Obviously."
"News and current affairs?"
"For the last time John, get out of this meeting."
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Watch out, Beadle's About! this is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Bill and Ben are made of flower pots, or wear flower pots, or just resemble flower pots for some reason...? Anyway, they live in your garden and they come alive at night. Sleep well.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
With a title like this the jokes will write themselves, so I'm not going to bother. Also, Adam West is there, so something something Burt Ward.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Lassie's owners are constantly being shot at, set on fire, lost in the wilderness, trapped down wells and being caught in the current of fast-flowing rivers. Exactly the kind of people Battersea would probably deem unfit to care for an animal.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
In the 1970s, teenagers were almost indistinguishable from middle-aged adults. Maybe it's because they were all time travellers, or whatever the Tomorrow People are, we don't know, it's confusing.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Christopher Biggins hosts On Safari whilst looking like Timmy Mallett if he'd eaten Elton John. Also some kids and their parents play games to try and win a telescope or something.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
The best thing we can say about Shane Richie on Run The Risk is that at least he isn't Bobby Davro.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Junior Kickstart is about men standing around in the woods watching kids fall off motorbikes. And our mums used to wish we'd spend more time outside for some reason.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We finally get to the end of the worst thing the royal family has ever done. Forget all the other bad things. Especially that one you're still thinking about.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We're not saying George R R Martin was inspired by It's A Royal Knockout, but there's an evil prince and most of the main players are dead. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A special episode deserves a special subject, a royal subject, the subject of an investigation perhaps? It's A Royal Knockout is like a massive fever dream, minus breaking into a sweat of course.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We watch more vintage adverts to give toys and games from the past some free publicity. If any of the toy companies involved want to go back in time and give our younger selves some free stuff in exchange, please consider using your time machine for something more useful. TWITTER: @spreadthewhimsy
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
What's more annoying - adverts that you can't skip, or podcasts about middle-aged men's opinions? Luckily, you don't have to choose.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Christmas is over, we've all had enough of chocolate and sweets, so we've decided to watch some adverts. For chocolate and sweets.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We're off to Button Moon...again, to celebrate Mark's birthday with a bunch of fever dream characters made out of household utensils and kitchen waste. party popper sound
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
N_cky C_mpb_ll _nd s_m_ m_n_r c_l_br_t__s g__ss w_rds w_th__t v_w_ls _n th_ m_st f_st_v_ g_m_sh_w _v_r. S_rry.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Bullseye Christmas specials make a mockery of the format of the game, as professional darts players get good scores, and celebrities answer all the questions correctly in the name of giving to charity. We'll never say no to watching an episode of Bullseye though. Apart from the one with Daphne from Eggheads on it.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Who doesn't love obnoxious shouty presenters swallowing the camera and being nice to Dave Perry? Everyone? Oh well, sorry Dexter Fletcher, GamesMaster isn't for you. Better go and be an incredibly successful movie director instead.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
The Blunders was a cartoon family sitcom that probably didn't exist and we don't remember it. Do you remember it? NO YOU DON'T YOU LIAR!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Take a parody of Grange Hill, add some two-dimensional caricatures of the British Royal family, and you've got Palace Hill. Subversive? Yes. A bit rubbish? Apparently. Did we love it? Of course!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A giant Michael Bentine looms over some pirate puppets as if it's normal in another kids' tv show that sounds like we made it up.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We pay our respects to ever-so-sprightly twice-nightly Richard Whiteley by watching the first ever Countdown and reminiscing about our own Countdown fan fiction from back in the day.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Anything Channel 4 could do, Sky One could do later. Games World had a lot in common with GamesMaster - a scornful mocking host, characters pretending to be good at video games, and Dave Perry hanging around like a bad smell.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Some animals have escaped from a pet shop and are pretending that they always lived by a British riverbank, and also that they have human needs and desires. And post offices.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Fruit in clothing is descending from a higher floor. Fruit in clothing is pursuing stuffed animals. This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Grotbags looks young and Croc looks diseased in the first episode of Emu's World. Rod Hull and Emu continue to look like an elderly woman using a ratty old toy from a car boot sale as an excuse to assault people.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show has it all - Dazzle, Razzle, the Hudson Brothers... and Rod Hull & Emu!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We open a portal to hell via Youtube and watch some awful puppets summon Tony Robinson into their infernal domain.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Tony Hart could probably kill you with his little finger, but instead he lives the peaceful life of some kind of monk in an extra-dimensional workshop where you're safe from the horrible real world, but modelling clay comes to life occasionally.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Simon brings his nightmarish doodles to life using magic chalk, or otherworldly sorcery on normal chalk, or mind-altering narcotics. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
What do you get when you cross the Pink Windmill kids with Let's Pretend? This shambles about a load of over-enthusiastic stage school adults jumping about and singing whilst using half a dressing-up box.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Alphabet Castle is under siege by the soldiers of Number Castle, and they're pouring boiling oil over the parapets to burn all the Number people whilst battering rams smash through the walls!
Or, someone done a painting of a letter whilst wearing a cardboard crown.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Budgie is a helicopter with a face whose friends are a load of other vehicles with faces, and nobody wants you to make the comparison to all the other books and TV shows about vehicles with faces, but if you don't do that you have to talk about Sarah Ferguson instead.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Jungle all the way with more jungle fun this week as we watch the Junglies, which is about the jungle and or things that may or may not be from the jungle. Read this out loud and let us know at which point the word jungle lost all meaning.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Did you ever wonder what inspired Bobby Ball to write Juniper Jungle? Of course not, nobody cares about Juniper Jungle!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Thanks to our Australian connections we are now aware of Mr Squiggles, a pencil-nosed monster puppet who draws things upside-down, just like all Australians. Fingers crossed, he might draw a willy with his nose.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Ric is a blue bird who harrasses bearded men or something. Look it's five minutes long, what more do you want from this?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Of all the cartoon dogs with names ending in "owser," Towser is definitely one of them.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Blue Peter was boring and if you liked it you were boring too. Mark Curry was a force for chaos, destroying Lego, wearing wacky suits and riding backwards bikes with reckless abandon. Be thankful for Mark Curry. Both of them. All the Mark Currys. Everywhere.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
This episode was going to be about Home To Roost, but as it's episode 321 we should have made it about 3-2-1. Instead we watched a cartoon about a baby with a ginger mohawk, a spaceship and a robot butler or something.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Dennis Waterman is more than the "write-da-feem-choon-sing-da-feem-choon" caricature Little Britain made him out to be in On The Up, in which the theme tune was... Oh. Never mind.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
This week we're watching Home James, one of the worst things Jim Davidson ever committed to film, including his dressing gown-clad old lady rant in his kitchen. Part one of our tenuous sitcom gingology.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Leaves come to life and have terrifying felt tip faces in Windfalls, a horrible stop-motion TV show that probably didn't even exist.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We're supposed to be watching Noggin the Nog, but anyone who's listened before knows there's "Norway" we'll stay on topic, especially when Viking Beadle's About...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
The lighthearted adventures of some mistreated circus animals dealing with bereavement, train crashes and alligator attacks. Cartoons are fun.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Robotix was a cartoon designed to sell robot toys, and it succeeds... in making us want to buy toys from other robot cartoon toy adverts.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Haunted puppets of woodland creatures lurk in the darkness throughout Fox Tales, which may or may not be a manifestation of our nightmarish collective consciousness.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A big green space rabbit and a four-armed duck kidnap a human child to kill toads, and we all went along with it because the theme song was good. Shame on all of us.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We discover what it probably feels like to go mad as we watch a load of vehicle/animal hybrid abominations living in a weird post-apocalyptic landscape. This should have been called "Car-Pets" and I'm annoyed I only just thought of that.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We learn all about Umbrella Trees using the internet and our own curiosity, with no thanks to this boring bunch of puppet bastards who nobody's ever heard of.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A pile of rubbish pretending to be a dog has adventures and there's rubbish everywhere and we're supposed to be ok with all the rubbish everywhere but it's awful and I hate it. What-A-Fucking-Mess indeed.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
The Karate Kid has had two TV spin-offs - one is about searching the globe for a magic shrine or something, and the other is just about middle-aged men remembering the 80s. Why would anyone watch or listen to the second one?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A polar bear and a girl try on some coats and nobody asks any questions. It would be perfectly reasonable to ask why she has a polar bear with her. Or even why the polar bear is trying on coats. But nobody does.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Time for a proper forgotten nightmare fuel treat this week as we watch Rocky Hollow, which definitely didn't exist but is also definitely going to crawl out of whatever screen you're watching it on and kill you.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A cushion puppet competes with a man in tight trousers for the most inappropriate bulge on a kids' TV show, as we watch Hickory House before washing our eyes out with bleach.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Arguably the best video game series ever made has only ever received the worst cartoon spin-offs. Super Mario World is apparently a blast from the past. But what's your favourite kind of blast? Let us know.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
How do you make a cartoon out of woodland creatures living in doll houses? Add some unnecessary human kids, several layers of reality, a vampire villain and a rejected Wuzzle.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Three more music videos get talked over this week, but luckily Martyn's picks are mostly boring so you're not missing anything.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
We decide to look at some more 80s music videos, and start off with three of Mark's picks. So roll up your jacket sleeves, grab a pair of legwarmers and get ready to dance to the sound of two men talking over all the music. Boooo!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
"Ranger... Barbarian... Magician... Thief... Cavalier... and Acrobat!"
100 more episodes have gone by, so Mark and Martyn re-re-revisit the first episode of W4B by re-re-rewatching the first episode of Dungeons and Dragons. Again. Because they said
they would. And they are stupid.
Re-re-reliving all the fun and adventure of a group of abandoned teenagers hampered in their quest to get home by a small mewling unicorn. For a fourth time. It's just as good as it sounded every other time before.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Mike Read has made many things he should be ashamed of. A racist UKIP Calypso song, a board game based on a rubbish TV quiz, and a TV quiz which would subsequently be made into a rubbish board game. We examine two of those things this week. Happy 300 episodes!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Shake some blue cloth around - now you're in the water! Wear a cushion on your head - now you're a pirate! Record 299 episodes of a podcast - now you're famous and popular!
Pretending is fun.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Thanks to Indiana Jones, this is only the second most boring thing with a crystal skull in it.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A load of fruit and vegetables are alive and have named themselves the Munch Bunch, which is like a load of prisoners on death row calling themselves the Hang Gang.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
What's the best way to cap off one of the most depressing anxiety-inducing years ever? Watching a load of downtrodden animated first-graders suffering with emotional issues of course!
Happy New Year Charlie Brown, you morose little prick.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Copy this thing you saw a professional do once. Copy it with your Mum or Dad. Oh no, you've done it wrong. Now you look stupid don't you. Now say "CUDDLY TOY!"
Everyone join in, say cuddly toy.
We're not going anywhere until you say it.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
When Happy Days ended, what happened to the Fonz? Did he;
Die in a tragic repeat of his shark-jumping demonstration?
Continue to live above a garage to be sexually available for his best friend's mother?
Time travel with a dog, a magic future woman and two losers?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Before Jurassic Park, the best animated dinosaurs ever committed to film were in Moschops. I haven't really kept track since then, but Moschops is probably still up there, right?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Jon Pertwee narrates the adventures of a boy, an alien and an alien's imaginary friend, as we debate whether real things or imaginary things are scarier.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Despite sounding like a badly constructed innuendo pseudonym, Ivor Wood was also a real person, who used second-hand Postman Pat puppets to tell stories about an old lady in the mostly forgotten animated series, Gran.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
In Film Fun, Derek Griffiths dresses up as a sexy lady, and also some other things as well. The best one is the sexy lady though.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Do you know any songs about Arctic Hares? Derek Griffiths does. I guess that's why Derek got the Heads & Tails job and you didn't.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Scooby-Doo taught us that evil old white men would dress up as ghosts to embezzle money and scare children. Real life taught us they become politicians instead. Happy Halloween.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Toys got cartoons all the time in the 80s, so why not a Rubik's cube?
"Because it's just an inanimate puzzle," you probably just said.
Well you're wrong, because it's got a face and feet and magic powers you Rubik's Rube!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme piano arrangement by Richard L Gill
Elephants wear clothes and glasses and talk and everyone's just cool with that for some reason apparently. Still, they have a functioning monarchy so best not to ask too many questions, or Babar will probably have you beheaded.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
It's October so let's watch something scary. Are we watching the news? Ha ha, it's funny because the world is a nightmare. Let's watch Dramarama instead, a classic episode about a haunted mirror or something.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
In space, no-one can hear you scream... so why did Space Ghost spend most of his time screaming his own name into the void?
The cartoon was rubbish, so we look back fondly on the Adult Swim talk show Space Ghost: Coast to Coast instead.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We finally decided to do Battle of the Planets. Except we didn't. But we did. We didn't though. Although we did watch it.
We didn't.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Who suggested we do Cluedo? It was Mark, in a text message, with the youtube link.
The most boring board game in the world gets an upgrade into the most boring gameshow in the world.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Two fat old men get out of breath, then they watch Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks have a bit of a wrestle.
It's funny because I was talking about us.
Not the wrestlers like you thought.
I'm good at jokes.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Auntie Mabel takes Pippin the dog out in her plane to learn about things, as if Pippin understands or cares. Pippin spends her time remembering what it was like starring in series 1 of Woof! Pippin expects she will be replaced in this as well. Poor Pippin.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
What do you get when you take a duck and some guinea pigs and put them in distress? If you said "sad" you're correct, but another correct answer is the Adventures of Dynamo Duck.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
A very specific selection of usually inanimate objects come to life and live together in a house with partially alive features. But don't worry about that, we have some ideas for better TV shows, and you're going to hear all about them in this episode.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
"Yeeeaaahhhh, RatFans!"
Roland Rat rose to fame on TV-AM, and since then it's become something of a tradition for breakfast TV in the UK to be hosted by vermin.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We hope there will "bee" a lot of "buzz" about this episode, as we watch the show with a "sting in its tail." So "beehive" yourself and, uh, "pollen" up a chair to join us. It'll "bee" over in "nectar" to no time.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
America, F*CK YEAH! Time for some patriotic jingoistic nonsense as we watch another animated toy advert and talk about toys we did or didn't have for about half an hour.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Before now, the worst gameshow prize we've come across was some cooked fish. Enter Busman's Holiday. Who wants to go on a holiday where you just do your normal job but in a different place? These losers.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
We finish our High-ology with Degrassi High, a boring Canadian school drama about a boring Canadian school. Boring. Let's
learn about some more of Mark's school traumas and repressed memories instead.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Part two of our High-ology takes us to a world of vampire fonzies, werewolf nerds and undead cheerleaders, being taught by a remarkably unfazed Rick Moranis. Why would you go to school if you were undead?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
It's part one of the High-ology, which is a real thing, and we kick off with Galaxy High, the high school which is in a galaxy. Like all high schools.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
Astro Farm combines asteroids and farms in an acceptable order and ratio.
Drop a farm on an asteroid, and you get a light-hearted animated series for children to enjoy.
Drop an asteroid on a farm, and you get a tragedy.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
What do you get when you cross Catchphrase with that game where you match pairs of cards? Matchphrase? No, it's Concentration you idiot, although that was a good and clever guess.
Perhaps the only gameshow where a creepy plastic robo-host offered cooked fish as a prize. That'll be niiiiiccce.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
80s teenagers mash buttons frantically in First Class, the show hipsters will say they prefer to Gamesmaster. Are hipsters still a thing?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
Four Square is a gameshow that nobody has ever watched. It is about squares. At least four of them I bet.
Writing show notes is hard sometimes.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
Turnabout is the best thing Rob Curling has ever done. Better than presenting sports news on Sky News, better than motivationally speaking as a motivational speaker, better than anything else I find out about him in this Google search I just did.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
"Nobody tells me what to do, no not me..."
Ah Pugwall, Australia's own rebel without a plot. Mark and Martyn revisit the summer holiday time slot filler about a 13 year old boy and his boring family and friends. In the summer - when they go to Japan for some reason. There's racism and disappointment - this is still the most Australian TV show ever made.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy
W4B theme acoustic arrangement by Joe Beckhelling
"Thesp... build me a borg!" shouted Craig Charles, as he awaited the arrival of a blocky virtual reality avatar. But it never arrived. Was there something wrong with Thesp? Were the borgs broken? Or was he just in the B&Q car park again, being all confused?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
Mentioned briefly during our David comma The Gnome episode, Trans World Sport was the program you had to sit through on a weekend morning before kids' tv started. Not good kids' tv though. At least you would learn about sports from around the world. Not good sports though. We were just too lazy to go outside and play. Or even change the channel.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
We finish our Gnome-ology with the first episode of the Smurfs, the smurfiest pile of old smurf we've ever had to smurf.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
Who is your favourite Tom Bosley character? Whatever you just said is wrong, because it's actually David comma The Gnome, the tiny sadistic veterinarian who could easily sneak into your house and kill you because he is stronger than 7 men. Luckily for you he prefers hurting animals, but we all know it's only a matter of time...
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
Noddy. The little gnome in the red and yellow car. Shakey. A nickname for Shakin' Stevens.
It's the first episode in our gnome-ology, as we start looking at shows about gnomes for some reason. And at least this is the least racist version of Noddy. Probably.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
This is a gameshow for pre-schoolers and the questions are easy and boring, so Mark comes up with some more challenging ones instead.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
Pat Coombs roams the countryside with a haunted doll, evading the paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren from out of the Conjuring movies and also real life. They are good at evading the Warrens because you don't see them or hear about them at all in this episode, but they are definitely pursuing Pat and the doll nonetheless.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
We haven't done a gameshow for a while, so let's do a gameshow. Which gameshow shall we do? Lucky Ladders with Lennie Bennett? Why not? How do you play Lucky Ladders? Who cares, we're barely paying attention anyway. Sorry, Lucky Ladders fans. Or Lennie Bennett fans.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
A man tries to paint everything blue, but a panther intervenes and covers the walls with pink paint, instead of the man's blood, which is what would really happen if a panther was on the loose. Yet somehow, the second option seems preferable.
Well here he is, the pink panther, The rinky-dink panther, Isn't he a panther ever so pink?
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
A show that epitomises all the worst elements of any "forgotten kids' show" creepypasta, Cloppa Castle definitely didn't exist, apart from in your nightmares. And now in ours.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
We thought we'd covered all the shows full of haunted raggedy puppets that inhabited our childhoods, but it turns out there's always another haunted raggedy puppet show lurking just around the corner.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
Imagine running the Krypton Factor assault course, but there are hundreds of you, and you take a detour through a dirty lake, and you're being chased by men dressed as monsters while a megalomaniac laughs and taunts you. Also, Craig Charles is watching.
It's Takeshi's Castle.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.
It's our fifth anniversary, so we go on a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man... who does not exist. And we don't mean Takeshi's Castle (sorry Richard).
Take a ride with us in everyone's favourite talking car with a teacher's voice, as we watch Knight Rider.
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W4B theme composed by John Croudy.