The Save The Marriage Podcast: Recent Episodes
Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
Learn the secrets of saving a troubled marriage, and the methods to improve any marriage. Join Dr. Lee Baucom as he explores practical ways to save a marriage. Gain the understanding and tools you need in order to successfully solve your relationship problems with love and respect.
It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.Are they opposites?One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)RELATED RESOURCESWhat is Space?Why is Connection Important?How To Stop ChasingTaking ResponsibilitySave The Marriage SystemVIP Program
“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough.Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?Or is there something else going on?There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection.Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.RELATED RESOURCESConnection is the LifebloodConflict in MarriageCan You Save Your Marriage?Save The Marriage System
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.Somewhere better.It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.Those four big stops? Apology Forgiving Trusting ReconcilingMany assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESWhat’s Your Apology?Ready to Forgive?What is Trust?Save The Marriage System (remember to grab your free week of VIP!)
s perception. . . .Listen to the podcast below.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection MattersConnection and PerceptionDealing With PushbackSystem to Save Your Marriage
“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.RELATED RESOURCES:Connection and MarriageWhy are We FightingNo Contact is CrapNo ManipulationSave The Marriage System
ll give you that alternative, too.RELATED RESOURCES:Fear and MarriageYour Team for SupportWhy Does It Matter?Beware of Unhelpful ApproachesSave The Marriage System
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.Listen in below.RELATED RESOURCESFACT of the CrisisCan The Marriage Be Saved?Why It MattersHappy or Hurting?Save The Marriage System
d have to manufacture on your own. But it will show you that building hope is something you can actually do. Right now. With what you already have. RELATED RESOURCESSave The Marriage System -- Your PlanThe Connection CompassThe Hope System
triggers a crisis response in your brain — and why that response works against you The difference between your spouse making a decision and telling you where they are emotionally What the pursue-pressure pattern looks like — and the cost of following it Why your first instinct, even when it comes from love, tends to push your spouse further away The one shift that changes everything about how you respondGrab the free guide — what to do and what NOT to do in the next 24-72 hours
s only one way to find out which answer is yours.RELATED RESOURCES: The ARC of Saving Your MarriageThere IS No TrySave The Marriage System
t some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis.A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around.Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch.Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch. Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment.We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials -- in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection is so ImportantDangerous TricksThe No-Contact Rule3C ApproachSave The Marriage System
re too far gone to course-correct.In this episode, we talk about: What it actually feels like in your body before you tip over the edge — and how to recognize the early signals Why a trigger is neutral until you assign meaning to it (and what that means for how you respond) The difference between facts and assumptions — and why that distinction can interrupt a spiral before it starts Why curiosity is the path back to empathy, and how your brain is actively working against you getting thereThis one is worth a listen. Not because every piece of it maps perfectly to working on a marriage alone — but because understanding your own regulation is the starting point for everything else.RELATED RESOURCESRelationship RenovationSave The Marriage System
s break the addiction to blame.And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCESAnger and MarriageHealing YOUR ResentmentHelping YOUR SPOUSE Heal ResentmentThe Importance of ConnectionThe Save The Marriage System
s talk more about this in the podcast below.RELATED RESOURCES:Connection And MarriagePerceptions In MarriageFears In MarriageRestore Your Marriage
s Save The Marriage Podcast below.RELATED RESOURCESThe Pause is a ProblemMomentum Hides the ProblemSave The Marriage System
s the roadmap back, from where momentum has taken you, to where you actually want to go.RELATED RESOURCES:7 Stages of DisconnectionResources for Healing DisconnectionSave The Marriage System
s podcast.RELATED RESOURCESMyths About Marriage (And Saving It)Fears That Hold You BackIs Your Spouse Stuck?Grab The Save The Marriage System
re so seductive. And what they actually cost you when things get hard.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES The Save The Marriage System The Pause Button Problem Hope When Your Spouse Has Given Up
re more committed to protecting your identity than examining your impact.This episode is about coachability—the willingness to question what you think you know about yourself in service of building the marriage you actually want.Ready to get uncomfortable? Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Save The Marriage SystemDangers in Marital TherapyWhat are You Controlling?
ve been needing.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection MattersThree Levels of ConnectionSave The Marriage System
s of Saving A MarriageWhy Save It?Facing Fears and Moving ForwardSave The Marriage System
re looking to strengthen your connection and unpause your marriage, check out the Unpause app at unpauseyourmarriage.com.
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are you? Or do you need to get back up?In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.(And if I have you humming a song in your head... I have succeeded with my title! You are my people!) RELATED RESOURCESDealing with DiscouragementYou Need A PlanNot A Wish, A PlanYour Support TeamDo You Need Coaching?Coaching Resource PageSave The Marriage System
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?Can they find their way back?But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.
ts Pt. 1 Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do Why You Are Discouraged... and What To DoHow To Save Your Marriage - System
“Quiet Divorce.” It seems to be the topic of article after article. And the articles make it seem like, “No big deal, just happens, oh well.”But it IS a big deal. And it ISN’T anything new. Just another way of describing something we have discussed here often… the dangers of disconnection.I talked about this some time ago, when everyone was talking about Quiet Quitting during the pandemic — people were still technically employed, they just weren’t doing anything for the job. They quit the work, but kept taking a paycheck. I noted that sometimes, people Quiet Quit a marriage. Which is exactly what “Quiet Divorce” is noting.People are still legally married. But emotionally… not so much.Why does this matter?Because this doesn’t have to be the case. You don’t have to be choosing the path of withdrawal. But unless you understand what is going on, it is hard to do anything else. Which is why we need to talk about Quiet Divorce… the Truth about it, and what you can do.RELATED RESOURCES:Why Connection MattersSave The Marriage SystemThe Un-Pause App
When did it happen? When did your marriage’s trajectory head in the wrong direction?Probably long before you thought, long before you could see it. Almost always, it is a conscious and unconscious collusion between the spouses. And it makes sense. Life… you have to get back to it!After all, you are now married, and your marriage is set up to successfully face life… or is it?At some point, after lots of connection, you have faith in your relationship, faith in your love. So, you hit the Pause Button. You think you are putting your marriage into some “suspended animation,” so that you can get on with life — kids, careers, friends, hobbies, travel, etc. You promise yourself(selves) that you will get back to the two of you again… at some point in the future (that often keeps creeping further into the future).Until one day, you (and/or your spouse) find yourself(selves) staring at a near-stranger. A roommate (or housemate). You no longer recognize the relationship you have, and it certainly isn’t what you were looking for.The pain of connection leads to anger, alienation, and resentment. That cocktail leads to a spiral of disconnection. It often accelerates until… separation, affair, or even divorce.And it all began with a decision that made total sense… until it doesn’t work.Is there a solution?There IS! I just released a new app, the Un-Pause App. In the podcast, I tell you about the problem… and the solution. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:The Un-Pause AppThe Save The Marriage SystemWhy Pause Is So Painful
t quite sure if they are clear on the path.That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE.RELATED RESOURCES: Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do Why You Are Discouraged... and What To DoHow To Save Your Marriage - System
s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Save The Marriage SystemSave The Marriage ToolkitMy Books
s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:7 Stages of DisconnectionConnection MattersBetter or Bitter?Failing Ways to ArgueSave The Marriage SystemMy Toolkit
but thought better of it).RELATED RESOURCESThe Connection PrincipleThe Path to WEBeing a TeamSave The Marriage SystemThe System Toolkit
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.RELATED RESOURCESReverse Psychology FailsNo Contact is CrapThe Importance of ConnectionGrowing and StagnationIssues with Marriage TherapyGrab the Save The Marriage System
Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?Answer: YES.Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses.And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended.In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:"What causes an affair? Why did it happen in OUR marriage?"and"What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?"In these two cases, the questions are not academic. They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue.If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Other Affair EpisodesConnection and MarriageBook: Recovering From InfidelityProgram: Save The Marriage System
Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this? It doesn't matter"?I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And that is the tragic part: many marriages die from a thousand nicks. It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things. In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things.Which raises the question: WHY do we have these arguments? Why do we bicker? (Check out the podcast below)And then, the second question: HOW to change this pattern? (Check out the podcast below)RELATED RESOURCES:ControlDisconnectProblems with Therapy My SystemArticle: Conflict Isn't The Problem
What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.What do you do, Mary wonders? Accept it? Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement. I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take. And yes, we start at acceptance. But that is not about giving up!Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:YetConnection and Disconnection3 Levels of ConnectionAcceptance - What IS That?Save The Marriage SystemThe Lone Ranger Tool Package
I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Getting Better or Getting Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.A shift to Better.Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing... and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns... away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was "too far gone," "too hurt," or "too damaged." In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.So, there is a choice: Getting Bitter or Better?Let's talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.RELATED RESOURCES:Don't Let Emotions ChooseForgiving in MarriageShowing UpEmpathy and ConnectionSave The Marriage SystemThe Daily Better Workbook
I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way. So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you....And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.(I bet you didn't think so, did you?)Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse. Sometimes, much worse.Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem? This is something you want to fully understand.(If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.)RELATED RESOURCES:Break Your Agreements!You See Things DifferentlyDealing with DisrespectSave The Marriage SystemThe Lone Ranger Toolkit
Connection is the lifeblood of marriage. In fact, we are wired for deep connection. And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting. Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.Disconnection tends to breed disconnection. When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.But connection tends to breed connection. As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three layers, there is a multiplying effect. Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.Listen to this week's podcast to discover the 3 Layers of Connection.RELATED RESOURCESSave The Marriage SystemWhy Connection MattersThe Pause Button MarriageMy Books
“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor followed the guide. And that cube was, sure enough, solved. Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube. Easy-peesy.Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube. There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s. In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path. They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.RELATED RESOURCESHow Bad is it?Should You Give Up?Can It Be Saved?Grab the Save The Marriage SystemGet Tools for the Climb
Can you save your marriage??That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage.They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage. And that fact keeps them from taking action.Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action.Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started.I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can't be saved. But I don't have a crystal ball... or even a Magic 8 Ball that will tell me whether it can/can't be saved. And so, far too often, they don't take action.And their marriage fails.But what if there were a way to get clarity... to get more understanding of what might be involved in saving your marriage? What if there was some GPS that could give you direction on the possibilities and what is involved.Well, there is. And I discuss it on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.I've created a new assessment, called The Growth GPS Assessment. You can grab it for just a dollar. GO HERE to take advantage of the offer... and gain clarity.RELATED RESOURCES:Save The Marriage SystemThe Growth GPS Assessment
Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope. Holding onto hope. Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice. But you do need to know the components in order to choose. When you do, you choose hope.Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift. It comes from within you, a choice you make. Hang on to hope!Listen to the podcast episode below.RELATED RESOURCESBeyond The 3 Barriers BookHope vs. Hopelessness EpisodeStaying Stuck in the Negative Episode3rd Biggest Mistake People Make EpisodeSave The Marriage SystemThe Hope System Guide
Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled? Maybe we should take a look at your plan.You do have a plan, don't you?Let's talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble -- and what we can do to make a switch.To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control. YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues. You may not have control over your spouse's reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.RELATED RESOURCES:Points of FailureYour Reasons WhyHow To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple StepsThe Save The Marriage SystemSave The Marriage Toolkit
Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone.And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under.One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.Don't allow yourself to get pulled under.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.RELATED RESOURCESYour Spouse Is Not The EnemyConflict In MarriageControl What You CanSave The Marriage SystemWhat To Do When You Are Trying Alone
What makes a marriage work?What makes a marriage GREAT?Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters. Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like. Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage. I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them. Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great!Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients! And when that doesn't work, they think they just don't have what it takes. Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients. No wonder it doesn't work out!After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time. So, let's make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference.RELATED RESOURCES:Save The Marriage SystemSave The Marriage ToolkitWhy Connection MattersDoes Communication Matter?
The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:You Don’t!(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.But why?There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESTherapy ProblemsCan You Save It Alone?Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved?Book: Beyond the 3 BarriersProgram: Save The Marriage SystemToolkit: When You Are Working Alone
Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or... fill in the blank ____________.It is no longer a theoretical problem.It is a full-blown crisis!And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.That is Crisis Clarity.Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESThe Pause Button MarriageWhy Connection MattersHaving a PlanNo Contact is CrapGrab the SystemGrab The Repair Checklist
I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?Viewpoints. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.There are 2 underlying issues that affect this: being a WE and being connected. How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you? When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception. More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.How do you solve it?We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.RELATED RESOURCES3 Dimensions of ConnectionAll About Being A WERole of ConflictHealing DisconnectionSave The Marriage SystemTools for Saving Your Marriage
At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage."Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction."Kenichi OhmaeThere are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection Matters3 Levels of ConnectionDealing with InfidelitySave The Marriage System
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.NMFShe was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it.NMFWhen we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings.And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?NMFI had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is "Not My Fault."Here is the problem with "Not My Fault": It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESShow UpHow You HideChoosing To WorkConnectionBeing A WESave The Marriage SystemSave The Marriage Toolkit - Resources
Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage? Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches??How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESReverse Psychology as an ApproachNo Contact is CrapWhy I STILL Believe in MarriageWhy I do this WorkTherapy ProblemsSave The Marriage System
Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage?If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts. It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns. And some of those pre-date even your marriage.Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running. Which is too bad. We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring. Which is the good news. Our brain IS capable of rewiring. We ARE capable of growing, changing, and evolving.Which is why I wanted to have John Assaraf on my podcast. John is a student of neuroscience, which he brings into his work as a coach and trainer. He is also the author of a number of books. And he is a darn good communicator about his ideas.These ideas are what I want you to take away. They help you to find better ways of being, of thinking, and of relating. Listen below to my interview with John. RELATED RESOURCESJohn’s Website (with free ebook for you)Innercise (check out the app)STM Podcast: 4 Fears That Halt Your EffortsSave The Marriage System
Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.What should he do??I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage3 A’s in Your Control3 Levels of ConnectionSave The Marriage System
Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel. Something is wrong."Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself? You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.Our notions about love are like that. And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on. We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.But Authentic Love is different. It is not devoid of romance. It is just not based on it. Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements. Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control."I'm not feeling it" is not a reason to end a marriage. It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.Don't be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have. It is dangerous, and misguided.(No, I am not against romance -- unless it is used as the "litmus test" of a relationship. Otherwise, it is great!)Listen to the podcast below.RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:Interview with Bob GrantThe Save The Marriage System
Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist. I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist.And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be. Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple. But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce. Only around 10-15% report a positive help.Now, you see my issues. Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective? Three reasons: 1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance.Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues. Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy.(And if you aren't, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do! That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)
Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse. But I don't think that is actually it.In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious.Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue.I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time).You may be familiar with Occam's Razor. Well, there are other "razors." For example, Hanlon's Razor states, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Which has led me to Baucom's Razor: "No need to attribute to malice what is actually the result of neglect."In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss how we get to this point of neglect, why it is so detrimental, and why it matters that you see Baucom's Razor in process. And of course, all of that is aimed to help you reverse the damage and save your marriage.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection MattersThe Pause Button to AvoidThe Save The Marriage System
Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness. I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving. "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving. In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to move forward. You do that by forgiving.BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the "forgiven" has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means "white card" or "blank card," meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed? In other words, a "blank check.")When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do "it" (whatever the "it" is that causes the need for forgiveness). Forgiving is a decision to move forward. It may or may not include moving forward in relationship. But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.There is a saying that "the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice." I would add, "the third time, on, it is a habit." Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior. It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing). One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.Listen to the podcast below for more.(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)#3 We ALL Have Fear#4 There Is NO Pause#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress#7 Love Is What You Do#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse#9 You Have To Show Up#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice#11 Trust Is A Gift
I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be.The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt.At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment. Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce.Those events and moments hurt. But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage. To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event.Let's talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage.RELATED RESOURCES:The Save The Marriage SystemThe Importance of Connection3C's of RestoringDangers of The Pause Button
There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results.Like all mistakes, it is avoidable. (If something is unavoidable, it can't be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.)I am betting you have made this mistake. (I have.) My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it.RELATED RESOURCES:3 Problems With Marital TherapyAvoid The 3 A'sSeparation: Will It Help?Why Your Spouse Doesn't Believe You Will Change"I've Changed" and 3 Other Things NOT To SayGrab the Save The Marriage System
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.RELATED RESOURCESConnection is VitalYou Need a Plan3 C Approach3 Levels of ConnectionSave The Marriage System
I know it hurts. And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful.Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage.And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want. They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage. Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things.Which is why you DON'T want to fall into any of these 5 traps.Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate -- at the beginning). RELATED RESOURCES:The Save The Marriage SystemWhy Connection MattersThe No Contact Rule CrapWays to NOT Save Your Marriage
So, what DO you do when apathy strikes? It might be YOUR apathy. But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern.What IS apathy?What does it mean?Why does it happen?And most importantly, what can you do about it?This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy.RELATED RESOURCESYou Are The Best ToolDealing With Disconnection"Too Little, Too Late"?Start With What IsYou Need A Plan3 C's Of Saving Your MarriageDealing With AnxietyNo Contact Is CrapNo Reverse PsychologyInterview with Gary ChapmanSave The Marriage System
Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted?There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response.Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice. I was just reacting."But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how to respond. If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction.How do you choose?Let's talk about that in this week's podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESBe On The Same TeamArgument FailsYour Fail PointsThe Save The Marriage System
“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?RELATED RESOURCESResistant SpouseCan Every Marriage Be Saved?The 4th C“Give It To Me Straight”Save The Marriage System
I wish this only happened every now and then.Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage. In this case, they have chosen to use my System. And they are making progress! (Yay!)Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach. And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach. Making great progress using my material. Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet."I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said. I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend.No surprise, but their spouse was confused. And this person said, "I don't get it! It was supposed to save my marriage!"I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach? Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?" I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused "umm... I... well... uh... what do you mean?" that I heard back.Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage.And there is also a lot of steaming piles of
One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??"They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggling to win. But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage.Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team. You are working toward a common goal (or should be). The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE." WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team! Same side, same direction (or should be).Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!RELATED RESOURCES:ConnectingBeing A WEConflictSave The Marriage System
Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.Those two fears? Fear of Intimacy Fear of AbandonmentLet's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.RELATED RESOURCESFears That Get In Your WayImportance of Connection3 Simple Step BookSave The Marriage System
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.These are patterns of interaction and communication.The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation of how things should be. But somewhere is a false belief.And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the (destructive) game.Are you playing one of these games?RELATED RESOURCESYou Need To Show UP!Connection MattersSave The Marriage System
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESWhy Connection MattersChanging YourselfLearning About AngerGrab the Save The Marriage System
Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?"Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?"RELATED RESOURCESShowing UpBlame & ShameRuining Today with YesterdayHow To NOT Save Your MarriageHow TO Save Your Marriage -- System
Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.Listen to the episode below.RELATED RESOURCESBook, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness!Save The Marriage SystemCoaching ServicesMoving Forward… One Way or the OtherStuck in the NegativeThe Fatal Triangle
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."What a loss! She would be losing out! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.Listen below. RELATED RESOURCESGratitude and MarriageHow Gratitude Can Transform Your MarriageGhosts of Marriage PastHolidays and MarriageSave The Marriage System
"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.Claire was shocked. No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible. Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist!I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over. Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them.RELATED RESOURCESCan Therapy Help?The Dangers of Marital TherapyMyths of Marital TherapyWhat Your Therapist Won't Tell YouAm I Against Therapy?How To StartSystem To Save Your MarriageCLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION
I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.Don't. Stop. Think again before you share.Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get support. But that support likely includes siding with you. And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts. And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable. But it complicates the original conflict and issues.And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery.Does that mean that you can't get help and support?Nope. You just want to go about getting support the right way.I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week's podcast episode... along with who TO tell. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESConflict and MarriageCommunication Is Not The IssueAnxiety and Anger in a CrisisChronic To CrisisSave The Marriage System
You want to save your marriage.Right?That is why you are here, right? So, what might get in your way? How might you fail in your efforts?Let me be clear: in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts. This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you.Which is why this episode is so important for you. The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make. You have control.But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail. I'll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don't fall into the fail traps they create.Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:3 Failpoints of Saving A MarriageMarriage Failpoint Book3 Reasons Your Efforts Might FailSave The Marriage System
I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful.But can you do it alone?Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach. So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program. And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage.Many times, that means I am speaking with one person. So, can you do coaching together? With your spouse?Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast. So, here it is!You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:No, this won't save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on)What DOES determine success or failure in therapy?Top 10 myths about marital therapy3 times when coaching can helpGrab the Save The Marriage System
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Pause Button MarriagesDangers of Disconnection"Can This Marriage Be Saved?”The Save The Marriage System
It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...And undo any progress you have been making.I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions." And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.You can do it! Let's talk about how!(Listen Below!)RELATED RESOURCESGetting PerspectiveYou Need A PlanTake Care of YourselfGet Some SupportDon't Read Tea LeavesThe Save The Marriage System
She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?"Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.RELATED RESOURCESConnection in MarriageConnection and Disconnection ResourcesConnection or ProtectionSave The Marriage System
When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.RELATED RESOURCESYou Need A PlanCan Your Marriage Be Saved?When Is It Too Late?Your Fail PointsBook: The Marriage Fail PointSave The Marriage System
Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change?That question has been asked for millenia. It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology.And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer.As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question.Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship.Short answer, "Yes, you and your marriage can change. But will you??"Let's talk about the possibility of change, the potential for it, and how to move toward it. That is what we cover in this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.RELATED RESOURCES:Why Your Spouse Doesn't See Your ChangesWhat To Do When A Spouse Says, "You'll Never Change!"Save The Marriage System
What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.The binary question: "work on me or work on WE?" stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response. RELATED RESOURCESDon't Try to ConvinceShowing UP in MarriageDealing with ConflictThe Importance of Self-ExpansionThe Save The Marriage System HERE
Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle: Connect, Don't Crowd.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help).Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don't fall into the "crowding trap." I see it far too often.Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage... and are trying to reconnect.Listen in to find how to connect without crowding. Don't fall into the trap! RELATED RESOURCES:Pause Button MarriageConnection is the Life BloodConnection ToolsSave The Marriage System
Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.RELATED RESOURCESChasing Won't WorkResponse-AbleShow UpWill YOUR Marriage Be Saved?Your Fail PointMarriage Fail Points BookSave The Marriage System
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are you? Or do you need to get back up?In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCESDealing with DiscouragementYou Need A PlanNot A Wish, A PlanYour Support TeamDo You Need Coaching?Coaching Resource PageSave The Marriage System
Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.)Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it!RELATED RESOURCESBook: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)How's Your Attitude?Hope and Stockdale ParadoxWhere To Focus"The Last Straw"Going ProProgram: Save The Marriage
How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome?So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late?Good news: there is!Bad news: it will take some action on your part!In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover how you can find out if it is too late to save your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:Why People Get DerailedQuitting Time? Resources to DecideSave The Marriage System
My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't. But that path to create. Where to??I recently got an email that asked just that: "What is the path I am building? Where to??"While I thought I had been clear with that, the email is a reminder that perhaps I had not been so clear.So, let me be clear. You are creating a new path... building a path... to WE. This is the deep and profound understanding that you and your spouse are becoming a unit, a team. A WE. As in, "We are in this together," "We are a team," "We stand together through thick and thin."But, since I want to be super-clear about this, I thought I would do a deep-dive in this episode of my podcast.You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:The Immutable Laws of LivingBook: 3 Simple Steps to Saving Your MarriageSave The Marriage System
It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.Are they opposites?One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)RELATED RESOURCESWhat is Space?Why is Connection Important?How To Stop ChasingTaking ResponsibilitySave The Marriage SystemVIP Program
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.Listen in below.RELATED RESOURCESFACT of the CrisisCan The Marriage Be Saved?Why It MattersHappy or Hurting?Save The Marriage System
Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.RELATED RESOURCESNMF SyndromeHow NOT to Save Your MarriageBeing on the Same TeamSave The Marriage System
Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way.And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back.Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there! Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt.I get that. I understand it.And I want to make sure you understand it, too. So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!). RELATED RESOURCE:The Marriage Experiment TrainingThe Save The Marriage SystemThe Video of This TrainingEpisode on Hope and Hopelessness
For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.How do I know?Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.Why?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy.Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession. I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago. But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession.So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy.Just so you know....Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:Top 10 Myths of Marital TherapyWhat Your Therapist WON'T Tell YouWhy Is It "Therapy or Bust"?Save The Marriage System
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESDon’t ConvinceWorking on ConnectionBook: Beyond The 3 BarriersBook: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple StepsSave The Marriage System
On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer.Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice.You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word. For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love." And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow."There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't." But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't."So, I will take it further. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts." One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through.If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen. You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't.Listen below! RELATED RESOURCES:The Certainty Trap EpisodeStuck In Negativity EpisodeThe Connection Compass ArticlesThe Save The Marriage System
Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Read my article on The Pause Button MarriageFind my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple StepsFind my Save The Marriage SystemLearn more about ConnectionLearn more about Conflict
This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly). For other countries, it may be another week or two off. But we are slip-sliding right toward it.In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!).
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.Listen in below.RELATED RESOURCESFACT of the CrisisCan The Marriage Be Saved?Why It MattersHappy or Hurting?Save The Marriage System
There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like. Sometimes, couple switch roles. Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser.There HAS to be a better way... right?Right??Why yes, yes there is. So glad you asked!In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns. We unwind it.And I tell you about the better role.Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead! RELATED RESOURCES:Why Connection MattersWhat Space MeansThe Save The Marriage System
Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better.The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you!But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there.Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy. True intimacy.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path. I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it.Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take. Let's get it covered for you!Listen below. RELATED RESOURCESDealing with Conflict2 Necessary FeelingsMarriage and Self-ExpansionSave The Marriage System
You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem. The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause.Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation. Nope, they are either growing or receding. And a paused relationship is receding.Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem. It was brewing for awhile. But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs. Until it was a crisis.And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem. You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.How do you do it?We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCESWhy Pause Is A ProblemThe 7 Stages of DisconnectionHealing DisconnectionSave The Marriage System
Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage. Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?Teach communication skills!Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results. When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced. Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage. And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement. Let me say that again: any improvement.Why? Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this. But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills. And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying. And they seem to understand each other! That is not the issue.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.Listen below! RELATED RESOURCES:Podcast: 3 Problems with TherapySubstack: The Connection CompassProgram: The Save The Marriage System
For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all. A little conversation... that goes nowhere. Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere. It can feel frustrating and defeating.How should you understand the situation?What can you do about it?Can you make progress?We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES3 Step Process3 C's of Doing ItImportance of ConnectionWhen Spouse Can't See A WayResentment and AngerSave The Marriage SystemThe Connection Compass
Where could your efforts fail?Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks.In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship.In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints. RELATED RESOURCESMy new resource, The Connection CompassMy Save The Marriage SystemPodcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May FailPodcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears
When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun.But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here: 500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching. How did I end up in this world, in this profession?And why do I keep at it? I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business. It won't happen. But that is always my goal. Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives.Thank YOU for being part of this journey! RELATED RESOURCES:My Save The Marriage SystemMy New Training Resource, The Connection CompassMy BooksThe Husband BootcampThe Field Guide To Marriage
Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever.But I will tell you one thing about magic: it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day.I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day.Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse.But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages.In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage. RELATED RESOURCES:My new free resource, The Connection CompassMy Save The Marriage SystemMy booksA training on The Dangers of the Shortcut
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.RELATED RESOURCESConnection is VitalYou Need a Plan3 C Approach3 Levels of ConnectionSave The Marriage SystemThe Connection Compass
Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it.But I can help you get the answer.I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse.In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource. But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help. These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help. At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant.Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESAre You Helping or HurtingSave The Marriage SystemThe Connection Compass - join for free to get the special report
I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage.But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap?Guess what?There IS!On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap.A trap I want to warn you about!But first, let me make it clear: I wholeheartedly agree with commitment. It is the guiding star for any marriage. And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis. It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing.The trap, then, is with the other two. No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System). I get concerned with how people expect connection to work. And that is the trap. Chemistry is another complicator to the trap.Listen in below as I discuss The Connection Trap.RELATED RESOURCESHealing Disconnection -- Resources to Help"Space" and ConnectionThe Connection PrincipleThe Save The Marriage System
The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did."We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)."AFTER life, we will get back to love.There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.There IS no pause.When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection.Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers. Disconnected.In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back.RELATED RESOURCESThe Pause Button MarriageConnection in MarriageSurviving DisconnectionCommunication in MarriageSave The Marriage System
Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort.There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though.Not impossible.Just more complicated.While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up... and what to do about it!Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:Stops Along The Way to DivorceWhy Connection is So ImportantCan It Even Be Saved?The Save The Marriage System
Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.RELATED RESOURCESBeat Depression SeriesShowing Up In MarriageConnection in MarriageSave The Marriage System
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?Can they find their way back?But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.
Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.)Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it!RELATED RESOURCESBook: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)How's Your Attitude?Hope and Stockdale ParadoxWhere To Focus"The Last Straw"Going ProProgram: Save The Marriage
"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asksIn this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try).Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that?I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESSetting BoundariesBoundaries and ControlHealing HurtExpectations and AgreementsConflictSave The Marriage System
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESDon’t ConvinceWorking on ConnectionBook: Beyond The 3 BarriersBook: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple StepsSave The Marriage System
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESGratitude and MarriageHow Gratitude Can Transform Your MarriageGhosts of Marriage PastHolidays and MarriageSave The Marriage System
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.Let's talk more about this in the podcast below.RELATED RESOURCES:Connection And MarriagePerceptions In MarriageFears In MarriageRestore Your Marriage
Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me."Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil's questions... at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.RELATED RESOURCESConfusion or ConnectionShowing UpHaving a PlanSpouse Is NOT The EnemySave The Marriage System to Guide You
You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't.I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out when they hit a problem.They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage. But we can change that!In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse's involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage.No, they aren't hard, nor complicated. They are, however, important. So listen in and take action.Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES:Why Communication Isn't The IssueWhy Connection MattersHow Therapy Can Cause MORE ProblemsWhy You Need A PlanHere is the Save The Marriage System
We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible.Even when there are possibilities.Even when things CAN change.If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse's belief is "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy." I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them.Listen in below.RELATED RESOURCESSurvival SeriesWhat Happy Couples KnowShowing UpSave The Marriage System
Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced. They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way.As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage.But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around? You can still turn things around.More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way? Because most people aren't even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it!In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop... and the options of the off-ramp. Tune in to hear and to find where you are.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCES:7 Stages of DisconnectionThe Pause Button MarriageWhy Connection MattersGrab the Save The Marriage System
The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE)But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection. And yes, it is on the other side of the arc of connection.Unfortunately, this arc tends downward, with accelerating speed and momentum. It is painful, frustrating, and ever-more difficult to turn around. Can you turn it around? Yes. It just takes more time, effort, and resources, as it approaches the end.And just how many stops are there on the arc of disconnection?I highlight 7 in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.This episode is the audio from a recent video I released. (If you would rather see the video, you can GO HERE to watch.)I reveal each of the 7 stages of disconnection, the dangers of each, and how to make a shift away from the stages. If your marriage is stuck in disconnect, listen in to discover your stage, and the off-ramp that heads back to connection.Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESThe Pause Button MarriageYou are a TeamResources to help heal DisconnectionSave The Marriage System
Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it. They can't seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started... doesn't happenIF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED?There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started. And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other.I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.RELATED RESOURCES"Can I Even Save My Marriage?”“What If I Can’t Save It?"Why Does It Matter?Working on It AloneHealing Your AngerSave The Marriage System
We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.
Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.
As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.
Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you.
But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.
We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.
How do YOU Show Up?
Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!
RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Show Up Grab The Save The Marriage System
Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future?
You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch. You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it. If that is the case, then you need a way forward. The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness.
How important is it?
Incredibly important! Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless. Any bit of hope helps us to move forward. But when we lose all hope, we lose our way. We give up. We wander around. And we deepen the crisis.
What do you do about the hopelessness? How do you avoid falling into it?
On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what to do when a spouse loses hope. We discuss what hope is, how to recover hope, and how to stay hopeful yourself.
(This is the audio version of a video you can see RIGHT HERE.)
RELATED RESOURCES Hope vs. Hopelessness Crisis Clarity Book: Beyond the 3 Barriers Save The Marriage System
It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue.
And then the trap is laid.
Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection.
I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection. When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter. When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative. Which leads to further disconnection. Which leads to further negative perceptions.
The spiral downward.
The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis.
The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap. And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the cycle to re-grow the connection and the relationship.
Learn how in this week's podcast trying (and if you find it helpful, please use the SHARE buttons below).
RELATED RESOURCES Connection Tools & Resources Happy Couples Do Differently: Connection 7 Stages of Disconnection 5 Communication Errors You May Be Making Why We Don't Change (And How To) Save The Marriage System
We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don't heal.
Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen.
Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.
There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.
You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.
Let's talk about each of these processes and why they are not related... and why that is important. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Hurt and Blame How Hurt Keeps You Stuck Book: The Forgive Process Anatomy Of An Apology Why To Forgive Save The Marriage System VIP Virtual Coaching
Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??
Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....
No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!
One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.
And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder.
And then, they dance it again.
How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?
That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift.
RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System
When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.RELATED RESOURCESYou Need A PlanCan Your Marriage Be Saved?When Is It Too Late?Your Fail PointsBook: The Marriage Fail PointSave The Marriage System
I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESReverse Psychology as an ApproachNo Contact is CrapWhy I STILL Believe in MarriageWhy I do this WorkTherapy ProblemsSave The Marriage System
Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.And noting the relationship problems? That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.Which means you may just be catching the blame.And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way. Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.Now what?Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.Maybe to prove you can. Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.But those slips? They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).And that is the problem with change.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners. Take a listen below!RELATED RESOURCES:We Change When We ChangeWhen Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe“I’ve Changed” and Other Things Not To SayWhy Your Spouse Doesn’t See The ChangeResponsibility FormulaSave The Marriage System
“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?"Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESSelf-Care SeriesDealing with FearHaving a PlanSimplify your EffortsSave The Marriage System
So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy." In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.The next step is often, "I need space." But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern: "I'm not happy."One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with "emotional space." It is crucial to understand emotional space.In this podcast episode, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage. Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues? Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested "space"?We discuss why "space" is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESWhere is the Gap?Fears and MarriageBoundaries in MarriageHow To Show UpSave The Marriage System
Roles. We all have them. We all play them.Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something.And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead.RELATED RESOURCES:Being On The Same TeamHow To Be A WEDealing With AngerShowing UpSave The Marriage System
Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone.And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under.One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.Don't allow yourself to get pulled under.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.RELATED RESOURCESYour Spouse Is Not The EnemyConflict In MarriageControl What You CanSave The Marriage System
You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.Then, BAM! You hit a wall.A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise."Which will they be for you?Listen to the podcast episode below.RELATED RESOURCESRelationship Fears3 C's of Saving A MarriageWhy Save It?Facing Fears and Moving ForwardSave The Marriage System
Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people.“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESLove Is Not EffortlessDoes Romance Kill A Relationship?Where DID Those Feelings Go?Save The Marriage System
Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives." If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage.Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come to you or you go to them. And then, you "hit it hard." You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together.The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed.If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches. I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision. And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate. I'd love to hear your experience.Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you. RELATED RESOURCESThe Dangers of TherapyAm I Against Therapy?How to Guarantee Therapy FailsSave The Marriage System
There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?How is the trap set?Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that "one." Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.And plays directly into this myth.This myth is all about marriage and happiness... and the role of a spouse.Listen to this week's podcast to understand this myth... and why it is so dangerous!RELATED RESOURCES:The Goal Of MarriageBeing A WEOther Myths of Marriage"I'm Not Happy"Save The Marriage System
It’s a partnership. Right?Right?Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared.Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle.And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all!So, how DOES a couple share power. How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about?In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher. A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples can better manage power in their relationship.Listen in as I pick Wyatt’s brain about couple decision making and power sharing.RELATED RESOURCES:Wyatt’s WebsiteBeing a WEAre You a Team?Lee’s System
You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like.Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?Yes.There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone's efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.So, let's talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.RELATED RESOURCESImportance of ConnectionStop ChasingApologies and ForgivingYou Need A PlanShow UpSave The Marriage System
You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/)Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making.Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship?It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast.And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode.RELATED RESOURCES3C Approach4th CWill It Turn Around?Book: How To Save Your MarriageSystem: Save The Marriage
I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?"Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together.But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?"You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship.I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast.RELATED RESOURCESConnectingChangingConflictConvincing - don’t!Save The Marriage System
Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be.There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not.As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage!I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain.All because of an expectation that can’t be met.In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt).Listen below.RELATED RESOURCESIs Your Spouse a Teammate?Are You Living in Expectation?Why Does Connection Matter?Who are YOU for Your Spouse?Do You Need Help?
Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now?
Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few.
What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved.
Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before.
But….
And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling.
In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support.
So, what now?
Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below.
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You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage.
But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?
No.
First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.
Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.
Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.
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It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time.
Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?
Let's be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.
Is that a reason to give up?
Notice: "feel like" is seen as a "reason."
Many people tell me they just need to "follow their emotions." I remind them that there is a group of people who do this... children -- around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.
Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don't have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.
Especially around things like marriage. Important things.
Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.
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Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?
Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.
He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.
What should he do??
I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. And it may just be where you find yourself, too. Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.
How do you deal with “Limbo”? We discuss it. Listen below.
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Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes. And a crisis for many marriages! I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that. We see it every day.
And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage. If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis). Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair.
What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis? And what if it is complicated by an affair?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response. Even if there is an affair.
(Why this episode? Because a listener asked. If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)
RELATED RESOURCES: Mid Life Crisis Series Why Connection is So Important The Pause Button Dealing with Affairs My Book: Recovering from the Affair My Program: Save The Marriage
Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful?
That is often very normal.
To a degree.
It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time. That is just what our brain does. It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass. Which ones you LET pass.
And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT.
And then, there is a third category. When those thoughts become obsessive. When they keep you stuck. There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way of jumping into thinking about thoughts. When does it matter and what can you do about it?
Listen below.
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I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly. I make mistakes.
Okay, I’ll admit it: I DO know about you. You make mistakes, too. And how do I know??
We ALL make mistakes! Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful. And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway.
And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful. Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship).
So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do. I cover questions from two T’s. Different questions, it would seem. But at their core, they are very similar. So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made.
And they WILL be made!
Listen to the episode below.
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Hot and cold. That is often what I hear people describe. About their spouses. One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving. And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns. Distance and dread return. Are things going south? Is this the time when things don’t turn around?
And then… the pattern repeats again.
It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up.
So, what is that all about, anyway?
“M” is in this very situation. She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond). It may be YOUR question, too. Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did: Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”)
I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it. Listen below.
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You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there.
And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern. If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback?
A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that. Her anxiety has been building about their progress. She can see the signs. But what about that “elephant in the room?” Is it time to address it?
In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?"
You can listen below.
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We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt.
Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife."
I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship."
As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU!
(Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.)
You can listen to the episode below.
RELATED TOPICS: Apologies Forgiving Working on Yourself Dealing with Separation Save The Marriage System
We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!
What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.
Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible.
Even when there are possibilities.
Even when things CAN change.
If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy." I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them.
Listen in below.
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(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE -- let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I'll try to answer!)
Roles. We all have them. We all play them.
Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."
Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.
Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something.
And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.
Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.
To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.
And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.
Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead.
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Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years???
I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast.
That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen.
Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight?
It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don't).
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Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.
Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity?
Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.
Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or... fill in the blank ____________.
It is no longer a theoretical problem.
It is a full-blown crisis!
And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention.
That is Crisis Clarity.
Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful.
How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc."
They want to solve the crisis. And they think THAT is the problem!
They would be wrong.
What they are describing is a symptom. Not the problem.
If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms. No resolution, no help, and no change.
We don't just do it about a marriage issue. If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen. And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down). But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge... and it may be even worse!
In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and resolve the problem.
Listen below.
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Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame.
But there is often very little change.
On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change. Not just for Larry, but for many other people.
You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent. So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand. But it was not going the way he wanted. So, he decided that something had to change.
He decided that HE had to change!
It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too!
Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom. This grew and grew.
When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge.
In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting.
Listen in below.
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Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.
Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies!
A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.
And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.
Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship!
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Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.
But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well.
For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.
Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.
In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection!
Listen below.
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We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.
Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.
As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.
Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you.
But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.
We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.
How do YOU Show Up?
Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!
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I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can't guarantee that.
But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can't do that.
What I try to do, instead, is "stack the deck" in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect.
Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying "a little of this, a little of that." You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings.
But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your "hand" you are playing.
One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can't see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship.
What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
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I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse's life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive.
Gut punch.
You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet.
Gut punch.
And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5....).
It wouldn't be a surprise if you don't react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it -- they had already prepared!).
But what now?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below.
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You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness.
Sound familiar?
That would be Crisis Fatigue. It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly. When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you. And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side. You find yourself not following through on your plan.
Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion.
Crisis Fatigue.
But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck! You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts. You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue. That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it. Listen below.
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For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain.
Does romance just die with “I do”? Some people seem to think so. For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone.
How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love? When did this become proof that something was wrong?
And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t?
Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action.
When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer. And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action.
So, can it be turned around?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings. And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance.
Listen below.
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I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!"
They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing. Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.” I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage.
And they weren’t alone. They AREN’T alone! Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!
That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.
Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.
With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse. And if your spouse wins, you lose.
Learn why this is so dangerous and how to escape the one-on-one competition in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:
You Don’t!
(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)
Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.
I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.
But why?
There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.
I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success.
But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question.
If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward.
It is actually an anchor to the past.
And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward.
If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go!
(I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.)
RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Book: How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps
Discouraged?
You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction. You move a little ahead, only to slide backward. Steps forward and steps backward.
And that is why you are discouraged.
Am I right?
What if I told you that was the nature of the process? What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration?
Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts. This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress. It is more a tangled line, running up and down.
This is important work. And that is what makes it so tough. Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go. But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage.
Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: "Can I Save My Marriage?” You Need a Plan You Need a Team You Need a System: Save The Marriage System
You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce.
It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in.
Your marriage is in trouble.
What do you do? How do you respond?
There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets.
And you only wanted to turn things around!
Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good.
I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: The No Contact Rule is CRAP The Importance of Connection Don’t Chase! There is no PAUSE BUTTON Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System My Books
Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!"
Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently.
If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”?
Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better?
Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: My Books My Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change (free training) “I’ve Changed” and Other Things NOT to Say (free training)
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.
And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.
A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."
What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.
Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.
My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.
I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System
"I just outgrew you," he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually "outgrown" her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, "You stifle me," and she answered, "You never care about my interests."
And both were right.
But both missed the opportunity -- self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.
Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.
Great term, "self-expansion." In a world of "self-growth" and "self-development," the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.
Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.
Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES What Happy Couples Do Differently Working On Yourself Showing Up Responsibility System to Save Your Marriage
Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust).
The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.
A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.
That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.
Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love.
Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.
But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process.
(Love isn't earned. It is given.)
Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Building A WE Forgiveness and Marriage Save The Marriage System
Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.
Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?
Yep.
In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up.
Is it easy?
Nope.
Is it important?
Yep. So, let's talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.
Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here.
And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.
Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?
Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.
So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?
Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.
And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.
Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.
Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?"
Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?"
RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System
People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it). Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver.
I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.)
The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive." When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming.
Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive.
RELATED RESOURCES: Why Apologize How to Apologize Book: The Forgive Process Program: Save The Marriage
You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website.
And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?"
Can a separation save a marriage?
Short answer: yes, it can.
Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction.
Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce.
I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help.
But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find "fans" of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage.
Those people are ignoring the statistics.
They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce."
But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one.
In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic -- so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation.
RESOURCES: Article on Separating Save The Marriage System Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"
The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.
Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.
Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System
People are quirky. We all have strange and interesting habits and interests. No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person."
Yet all of us crave one thing: validation and approval. We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood.
In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person. It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building. It fuels the attraction and connection… love.
Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship. Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated -- and what to do about it!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: 2 Necessary Feelings The Importance of Connection Are You On The Same Team? Save The Marriage System
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).
Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.
Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.
Is there another alternative?
You bet there is!
I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System
Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??
Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....
No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!
One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.
And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder.
And then, they dance it again.
How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?
That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift.
RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System
You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.
You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown.
But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all!
What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes?
It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.
In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes.
Let's take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: "Can Every Marriage Be Saved?" "Can MY Marriage Be Saved?" How One Person Did It! Save The Marriage System
It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage.
I say IF you have limited beliefs.
Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that.
Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.
Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage?
I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us.
Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them
Listen below for this week's podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System
I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation.
That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to.
Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship.
And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to.
The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations.
The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around.
Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week's podcast.
Listen below.
RESOURCES: Power of Connection Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid Why Your Efforts May Be Failing Save The Marriage System
I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy." I told him I was. He told me he didn't want my System. Just the secret, the "short-cut."
When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that. He just needed the "trick," the short-cut.
We went round and round for a couple more minutes.
I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying is what got him to here.
He hung up, likely still looking for the "short-cut."
And I was left thinking. Wondering. Pondering.
And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the "trick." Those "tricks" are all the things on the internet about "hypnosis," "reverse psychology," "spells," or any of those other manipulations.
You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the "short-cuts" that are really just tricks.
Can I tell you more about this? Listen to the podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology is Dangerous No-Contact is Crap Don’t Choose Manipulation Grab My Save The Marriage System
I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??"
Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it.
First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone. But is that really what it is?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens. I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like. We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection). And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here. And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Book: How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps Program: Save The Marriage System Coaching: VIP Program Training: Why Connection is so Important Training: How to Resolve the Disconnection
I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better.
In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier. It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere.
Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next.
Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp.
I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track. They were stumbling and struggling. Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man. But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face. He was embarrassed and upset. At first, he was angry. But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing. What can I do?"
That started an impromptu bootcamp. We called it the Husband Bootcamp. Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage.
Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience. We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things. But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse).
Listen below for info.
RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here
I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?
Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?
Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.
Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!
And save their marriage, they do!
The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”
The choice between the two? All yours.
Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.
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First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you!
But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage.
I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage. Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing.
Let's be clear about what typically holds people back. And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative. I'll give you that alternative, too.
RELATED RESOURCES: Fear and Marriage Your Team for Support Why Does It Matter? Beware of Unhelpful Approaches Save The Marriage System
No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.
We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.
This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis.
A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around.
Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch.
Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch. Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment.
We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials -- in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Listen below.
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"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before?
A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish.
It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people! At the same time!
Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered.
To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy. And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else.
Let's talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be "selfish," and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem).
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES WE is the Goal Working on WE, Working on ME Pause-Button Problems Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System
It's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)
You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too!
What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change.
Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help.
Quite the predicament, isn't it?
It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine. They both emailed me questions for the podcast. Seemingly from different places in the process. But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament.
Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort. Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance?
And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament. But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope. How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark? How much info to share?
The Spouse Predicament. More closely aligned than it might seem.
We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: The Husband Bootcamp Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Hope Formula Hope and Marriage The Save The Marriage System
I've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once.
A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart.
You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing.
Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be!
Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.
But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore." And then, the crisis is deep. Deeper than you knew.
How does it work? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System
Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?
Yes.
These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage.
I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes.
And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here.
Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list!
RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System
Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage.
Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.
In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.
These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.
Acceptance Responsibility Control
Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.
RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System
Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.
This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection.
Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back.
The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall. The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection.
Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage. Not from ill-will but misunderstanding.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd. This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members. But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it. (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.)
Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding.
RELATED RESOURCES: Connection is the Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Resources Connection on 3 Levels The Save The Marriage System
Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!
Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it!
But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.
Until...
Maybe it was something small...
Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)...
And BOOM! You blow up!
You use a tone you wish you hadn't. You say things you wish you hadn't. You do things you wish you hadn't.
BLOW UP!
... and then it passes.
But the damage is done.
Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.
So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.
Listen to this week's podcast episode below.
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Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?
Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.
Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).
Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change.
And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.)
Let's break the addiction to blame.
And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.
OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System
I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.
Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together."
I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage.
But they don’t.
Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage? Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage?
And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous?
That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same).
Listen in below.
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Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).
It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.
That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.
This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE are saved without action.)
Don't let the question trip you up. Understand what's behind it. And listen to my answer to the question.
Listen below.
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As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question.
In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done. Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings.
Can feelings change? Of course. They already did. Which is why you are in a crisis. At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again. Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting.
So, yes feelings of love CAN come back. But why did they leave? And what can you do to help them return?
I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?
I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out.
Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me. I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles.
And then, I took a big breath. Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror. What role(s) do I fall into? What was MY default?
More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode?
Here’s the thing: we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing. No surprise that there is no change, right? So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work. And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern. We continue to do it again. In hopes of a better outcome.
RELATED RESOURCES Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again Connecting is Critical Understanding and Empathy The Dangers of Convincing Save The Marriage System
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).
She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.
NMF
She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it.
NMF
When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings.
And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?
NMF
I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.
Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is "Not My Fault."
Here is the problem with "Not My Fault": It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).
Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.
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Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?
Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?
During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.
In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other.
The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.
What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path?
We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Listen below.
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For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.
Why?
There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.
Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless.
But is it?
Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers.
In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship. My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation. VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts.
During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers. The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it. But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too. So, I am doing something I don’t do: I’m giving you access to this VIP training. It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper).
Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them.
RELATED RESOURCES Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Save The Marriage System Click to Contact me if you have the System and want to join VIP
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.
This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.
But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!
Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.
In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.
Listen in below.
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“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.
Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.
Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble.
Why?
Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness. If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%.
This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in. And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door! But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up their child from daycare! (These are the same level of arguments that often show the fault lines for many other couples… not big ones, but tiny chips from their foundation that add up to an unstable base.)
But Kaley and Nate decided to do something about it. They decided to do some research. (While this is not a likely response for many couples, the good news is, Nate and Kaley not only interviewed lots of people, they wrote a book about it!) What they discovered is there are three models of marital involvement. One is fairly outdated, and the second is often infected by the first. It is also the pattern that appears fair, 50/50. That one fails for most couples.
And that led to Nate and Kaley presenting a third model. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down to discuss the models with both Nate and Kaley. They tell me about their own struggles, the different models, and how to shift toward a better model.
Their approach has many similarities to my own work, but brings some important facets out for listeners to consider. Learn about the 3 models, and how to make a shift (even with a reluctant spouse) in this episode.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Nate and Kaley’s Website (for newsletter and book) Marriage is NOT 50/50 Episode Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy Episode Save The Marriage System
Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.
Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.
In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.
Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse.
Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away?
There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship. The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart.
Those 2 feelings?
Feeling wanted. Feeling accepted.
You may not feel wanted or accepted. If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now. Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted.
In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelings for your spouse.
Join me as we explore these 2 necessary feelings and 3 ways we hurt those feelings.
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Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.
What happened? How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere?
The simple answer is, it didn’t.
Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think.
As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.”
The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time. And suddenly, they hit a threshold. I call it the Threshold Problem. You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits. Until the marriage runs out of gas. Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold. So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere.
But it wasn’t. It didn’t happen overnight. And saving it won’t happen overnight. That is possible, slowly at first, as long as you move with intention in that direction.
Learn more about why a marriage crisis is not “out of nowhere” in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You're proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn't buying.
For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes!
Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different?
In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn't trust that the change will last.
Does that describe your situation? If so, please listen. I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.
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We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.
Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show a way forward.
I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller. She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations. (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)
Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?"
Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised. I get the same request on a regular basis. That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations. (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist. Yes, I have lots of therapist friends. Yes, I am even married to one. And yes, I still have concerns.)
I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns. Yet, here we were. Looking for a therapist.
“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!
Did I recommend a therapist? Nope. Because I don’t do that. For several reasons. I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results. I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense. Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!
Listen in below.
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You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!
And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.
And it knocks you down.
Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.
But are you? Or do you need to get back up?
In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.
And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.
We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?
Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?
Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?
That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be. It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.
What do you do, Mary wonders? Accept it? Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?
I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement. I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take. And yes, we start at acceptance. But that is not about giving up!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Yet Connection and Disconnection 3 Levels of Connection Acceptance - What IS That? Save The Marriage System
In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.
But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all.
All of them, though, started with this: “I want to save my marriage!"
Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want. The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask.
But here is the important thing: the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along. Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some tricks/hints, what to do if a spouse isn’t interested, what a plan might look like, how long this process might help, and what to do now.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Can A Marriage Be Saved? Why You Need a Plan Why Your Spouse is Resisting How Long Does a Crisis Last? Why Fear is a Problem Grab the Save The Marriage System HERE
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.
Somewhere better.
It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.
Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.
Those four big stops?
Apology Forgiving Trusting Reconciling
Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.
In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.
Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES What’s Your Apology? Ready to Forgive? What is Trust? Save The Marriage System (remember to grab your free week of VIP!)
You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.
It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.
How do you "stay in the game?"
Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward. Let me share some strategies on how to "Stay in the Game" in this week's podcast.
Listen below.
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We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.
So what will we make happen?
I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed.
My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right. So, what made the difference above the basic information? What, beyond my System, made a difference?
As it turned out, there were 5 key factors. I shared the full research with my VIP members last week. But one piece reigned supreme. In fact, it made the other 4 work.
The key factor??
A plan.
I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below to understand more about the plan, and how to have a SMART plan.
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Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:
Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.
Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.
What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?
Can they find their way back?
First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.
Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?
Listen in below as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.
NEED MORE HELP? GRAB THE SAVE THE MARRIAGE SYSTEM RIGHT HERE
Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.
And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.
Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for.
During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape.
That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast. But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it.
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Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.
When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.
And things continue in the downward spiral.
So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively.
Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage. You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward -- even in the face of frustration and difficulties.
In today's podcast, we reflect on "what you did" to save your marriage -- and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that: Save Your Marriage.
Listen below.
(and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?
We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.
When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.
We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.
If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.
Let's talk more about this in the podcast below:
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You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.
No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy.
Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy.
There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible!
You can’t make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy.
Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable. But happy? Nope. Not possible.
Even if you thought you made each other happy before. Sure, you may have been happy. And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy. But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy).
It is an impossibility. But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage.
Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy. Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage! Proof that the marriage is headed for failure.
Except, it was all a lie. Not the marriage! The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa).
Don’t believe the lie! Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1: If It’s Work, It’s Wrong Lie #2: Spouse Should Meet Your Needs Lie #3: Disagreement Is A Sign Of Trouble Lie #4: Marriage Is 50/50 Grab The Save The Marriage System
Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?
Right??
Nope. Just another marriage lie.
Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief.
For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset. Reason for demands. Reason for feeling taken advantage of.
Here is the TL;DR: marriage is NOT 50/50. It is all in/all in.
But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1: If you struggle, it’s wrong Lie #2: Your spouse should meet all your needs Lie #3: Conflict is a sign of trouble Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Grab the Save The Marriage System
If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right?
Right?
No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict.
That is the danger of this particular lie. It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through.
I don’t meet too many people that like conflict. Most either avoid it or handle it poorly. And many see conflict as a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship.
Fact is, conflict is an inevitable part of even the healthiest relationship. In fact, the total lack of conflict may indicate just as much of a problem as too much conflict. Put two people together who join their futures and there are going to be differences of opinion. Different perspectives and different priorities. And those differences must be addressed.
The question is really how you do conflict, not if you have conflict. Does the conflict serve your relationship or sever your relationship?
Learn more about this lie of marriage in the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1 Lie #2 Role of Conflict Myths of Marriage Save The Marriage System
A spouse should complete you… right?
Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right?
And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right?
Wrong.
In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse).
First, please don’t go all “Then the opposite is true??” on me. No, I am not saying your spouse should not mean ANY of your needs.
I AM saying your spouse can’t meet ALL of your needs.
Did you say, “Of course not”? And yet, many marriages get into trouble over the needs one accuses the other of NOT meeting. If THAT needs is not getting met, THEN there is a problem. But if you extrapolate a bit, that ends up being an argument that a spouse should meet ALL the needs.
Here is the other problem: if you think they should meet all of your needs, you may also believe that those needs should just be know. After all, if you have to ask, it doesn’t feel the same… right?
Oops. Another trap. Assuming your spouse should meet all of your needs, and should know them—and how to meet them— is a recipe for misery on both parts.
So, what is the answer? Listen to this episode to find out the truth about needs and marriage.
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“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?"
He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.
I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!"
He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong."
This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!
My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.
In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”
Listen below.
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Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.
Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.
First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.
Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed.
But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams. Unnecessarily.
So let me say it again: just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved. It means your plan hit a wall. Time to adjust and shift. Time to process. Time to find clarity.
But it doesn’t have to be time to quit.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up! Listen below.
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No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.
Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.
But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck.
But alive!
And that is what the brain registers. Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting. Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting. But we survived.
Lesson learned. What we did yesterday kept us alive. Plan for today: do it some more.
Same in relationships.
Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success. But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today.
DWYADAYGWYAG
I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.
I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?"
And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying.
More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to. It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.
And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?” Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage? Where does it fit into any marriage?
Listen in below.
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“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion.
Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page.
There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try."
Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour. I am pretty clear that I am either writing or I am not. If I am putting words on paper, regardless of whether they are good or not… I am writing. If I distract myself with social media or some article… I am not writing.
It is not a matter of trying. I am doing or not.
Many times, “trying” is a cop-out. It is a lack of action, claimed to be “about to act.” But we can do something… and if we aren’t, we are not doing it. Doing it successfully is only determined by the outcome. And the outcome only comes from the action. Not acting pretty much guarantees not getting the desired outcome. (It is true that acting does not guarantee the desired outcome… but it is far more likely than not acting.)
I discuss this and how it can keep you stuck in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?
Not so fast.
Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.
So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.
Listen below.
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Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)
You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!
Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.
Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.
I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.
But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage. Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.
Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.
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“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….
I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer.
My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)
To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it?
That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away.
Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pandemic is wearing on, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!
Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.
Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away?
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Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.
But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.
Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.
Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?
Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control.
In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail. We discuss what you can control and what you can’t. And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts.
Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead.
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Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.
But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.
Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.”
But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.
When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.
And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.
In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.
Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.
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“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.
When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor followed the guide. And that cube was, sure enough, solved. Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube. Easy-peesy.
Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube. There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s. In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.
Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path. They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.
Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.
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"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect?
Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue.
In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women. He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect more than love, and women need love more than respect (generally speaking).
Here is the problem: men show respect, which can feel unloving; and women show love, which can feel disrespectful. In the end, couples feel unloved and disrespected, creating what Emerson refers to as the Crazy Cycle. And in the process, the marriage keeps spiraling.
The good news is that the cycle can be changed. Love and respect can be restored. And intimacy can return. But only when you understand the dynamics that are fueling the Crazy Cycle.
A while back, I had the opportunity to sit down with Emerson Eggerichs and discuss his ideas about love and respect. While originally, it was for another program, this is important for you to hear. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on this important interview.
Listen below.
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Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.
It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight. Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat.
That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle. It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods. But it is less helpful in your workplace. And even less helpful in your love relationships.
We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response.
How can you understand this? How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help?
First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered. Second, there are ways to more quickly de-threat your body, when you recognize it is not a necessary response.
In recent years, the Poly Vagal Theory has gained credibility and usefulness. And that is the topic for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I had the good fortune of interviewing Deb Dana, an expert on the theory (and a skilled clinician in applying it in therapy) for another program I created, but wanted to share it with you.
If you have experienced the fight/flight response with your spouse, finding yourself trapped in a quickly escalating and rapidly disintegrating communication pattern, pay attention.
If you feel the threat feelings when you know it shouldn’t feel threatening, you need to pay attention.
Listen below.
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Why did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love?
And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful?
Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades. In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim. It was an international best-seller.
In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing. They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health.
Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship. This interview was originally part of a special program. But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared.
Listen below to discover how understanding your Imago and help heal your marriage.
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I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?
It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.
And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it?
I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable.
With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.
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Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.
Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.
Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….
It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.
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Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?
I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.
But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?
I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.
So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).
Listen below.
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Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it. What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner?
What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be? What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse?
Or what if these are the questions of your spouse? That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner?
How do you break free?
Can you break free?
You can. And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing.
How?
Listen in to this week’s episode below.
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Marriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won.
Except they haven’t.
Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.
And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.
Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting. What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.
Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter. And here is what is important: they can be changed. Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy. They are learnable skills, once identified.
Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do. They make the difference between happy and hurting.
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My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.
It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs.
Which had me thinking….
What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage?
The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit. If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down. But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.
Let’s be fair: even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair. But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).
Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown. And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.
In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time. Listen below.
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The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected."
What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?
I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.
They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button. Either your relationship is growing or receding. There is no pause.
Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect. Then, reconnecting seems so hard. It is pushing against the inertia created. It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line. The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.
How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.
I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard. I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.
And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse. Don’t miss that discussion!
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Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.
Step #1 is surviving.
Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.
Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them?
They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too.
Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer. Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.
And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.
Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.
That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.
"Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction." Kenichi Ohmae
There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.
Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.
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“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.
What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.
At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough.
Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?
Or is there something else going on?
There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.
You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection.
Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.
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Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?
Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?
Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.
Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.
In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope. Holding onto hope. Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.
Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice. But you do need to know the components in order to choose. When you do, you choose hope.
Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift. It comes from within you, a choice you make. Hang on to hope!
Listen to the podcast episode below.
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“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”
Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?
Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.
For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.
Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.
Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.
I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic. And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating. The pandemic isn’t anything we can control. Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others.
What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis? How do you deal with that? In the midst of the pandemic? And while self-isolating.
That breaks down into 4 different groups: Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together. Each has some nuances that need your attention.
I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference.
Listen in below.
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“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?"
Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!
Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?
There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.
More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.
I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.
Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?
Perceptions. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.
And because they have decided to prove their perception to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.
There are 2 underlying issues that affect this: being a WE and being connected. How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you? When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception. More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.
How do you solve it?
We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy.
We will get through this. The pandemic will pass. But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.” Life is happening right now. And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either. There are some fundamental changes happening in culture. We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation. And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate.
Society is in for a shift. How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society. There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters. Not what we have been believing matters. It won’t be about money, power, or prestige. It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character. (At least, that is my hope.)
Why does that matter? How does that affect your marriage? I believe there is an opportunity, in the midst of the chaos, for a “Relationship Reset.” It is an opportunity to reconsider the crisis and find a way to resolve it by staying married, not by leaving.
Discover the 3 reasons why this might be the time for a Reset, and 3 things to do to facilitate it in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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Are you suddenly finding yourself and your spouse stuck together, thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic? Is it suddenly very close quarters?
If your marriage wasn’t struggling before, this may be the stressor that pushes your relationship into crisis.
Or it might just be the turning point to a thriving marriage.
What can you do during this time, for yourself and your marriage? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore 3 areas on which you can focus. And in each area, I give 2 suggestions for what you can do to survive the crisis, weather the storm, and help both your marriage and yourself.
Listen to the episode below.
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The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties. So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy. You aren’t in battle. But you are fighting for your marriage.
And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe.
Those are the goals. And that is the problem. A single crisis is tough enough. But a crisis, squared. It isn’t just double. The struggle is exponential. That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative. It can feel like it multiplies the struggle.
So, then, how do you stay the course?
I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast:
Have a plan. Practice extra patience and grace. Refuse to absorb anxiety. Do the Next Right Thing.
Listen below for the details on each.
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First, you were caught in the swirling whirlwind of a marriage crisis. Now, to add to that, a pandemic is taking over. Whatever fears you had about your marriage are now layered with your concerns about your health (and the health of loved ones).
It is amazing how quickly things are moving. This crisis has been on the radar since the first of the year. But as with many things (including a marriage struggle), most people don’t pay much attention until it is cascading into a crisis. Then, we are playing “catch up.”
Trying desperately to get ahead of the situation. But generally finding ourselves falling further and further behind.
A crisis tests us. Both a marriage crisis and a world crisis. They test us. To see whether we rise up or give up. Whether we go with what matters or what is easy. Do we act in fear or lead with courage?
We talk about this in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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I get that question very frequently: “What happened? Where did the love go?"
Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it. The end result is the same: one or both people just not feeling it… not feeling love. Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.” Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.”
Then what?
And where did the love go? It was there before. Did it really go away?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing. We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back.
Listen below.
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Over the last couple of episodes, I have been looking at what wrecks marriage. First, I discussed Expectations. Then, I discussed Disconnection.
In this episode, we look at another “Marriage Wrecker”: Conflict.
Yes, I know, plenty of people will tell you that conflict is inevitable in marriage. And it is certainly true that every marriage… any relationship that is as intimate as marriage… is going to include disagreements and differences-of-opinions.
That is not the question. The question is, how do you deal with the disagreements? How do you do conflict? If you aren’t careful, conflict can wreck your marriage.
Why? Because it often becomes adversarial — going for the win, not for the relationship.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at how conflict can wreck your marriage… or how you can keep it from happening.
Listen below.
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Your marriage is hurting. Why? What happened? What wrecked your marriage?
In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage.
But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage. This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list.
In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples. After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
What is connection? What is DISconnection… and why does it happen? We start there. We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons!
The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.)
I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off).
Listen to this important episode below.
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“What can I expect from my spouse?” That was the lead question. Because over and over, her expectations had not been met.
“Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage."
“Which expectations?”, she asked.
I noted, “Any."
But shouldn’t you have expectations? Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse?
Let me ask you question: How’s that going so far?
Some expectations are explicit. Others are implicit. Some are internal. Others are external.
And generally, expectations fail.
That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?” I noted that she just changed to another expectation. But still, it was an expectation. And expectations cause problems. Negative or positive. They still cause problems.
The solution? Actually, there are two parts. Listen in as we take apart your expectations… and shift to something more helpful.
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She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?"
Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat. A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.
We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened. Connecting requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.
Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat. So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety? Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?
Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.
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Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."
A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.
But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?
There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.
If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless. Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.
There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope. So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.
Listen to the episode below.
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What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”?
I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy.
The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy. But that isn’t even the goal!
(Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable! But make them happy? Nope. Not possible. Ever.)
What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”? And what do you do? How do you respond?
That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
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Too many times — in my office, by email, on phone calls — I hear a spouse rationalizing their decision that the marriage cannot possibly succeed because, “We’re just opposites, too different to make it.”
But is it true? Are you “opposites”? (How are humans ever actually “opposite”?) And for the sake of argument, does that doom your relationship?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener question that you may have, too. This listener’s spouse has declared, “We are opposites,” and has given up on even trying to save their marriage. This listener is wondering, “Is that true? Are we opposites? Does that doom our marriage?"
Since this question comes up so often, I wanted to discuss the reality of this. I cover my issues with “opposites,” discuss my theory of “Complimentarity,” and trample all over the belief in “compatibility,” an idea that has been espoused by dating sites and apps — and yet has failed in creating strong relationships.
Listen below for my response to “We’re Just Opposites."
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“It suddenly fell apart,” Jenny told me. As far as she could tell, everything had been great until… one day… her husband said, “our marriage is over.” Before that, Jenny said, there had been no trouble.
Why did it all come tumbling down?
Rob told me that, sure, there had been some issues along the way. But he didn’t know his wife was ready to leave… until “out of the blue, she moved out and said we were done!"
Why did it all come tumbling down?
George told me, “I just want us to get back to where we were… before the crisis."
My response to George was, “Where you were got you to where you are. You can’t just go back to there. You need to build a new relationship!"
I told both Jenny and Rob that I very seriously doubted that the crisis was quite so “out of the blue.” They just didn’t see it coming.
But brick by brick, piece by piece, their relationship was being pulled apart long before it all came tumbling down. And it is very likely that both they and their spouses bore responsibility.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the roots of trouble, so you can begin to consider why your marriage didn’t just start to crumble.
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You apologized to your spouse… maybe on your own, or maybe because I suggested it.
And...
...
Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
No change, no difference.
Does that mean that your efforts are over? That your attempts to save your marriage are a failure?
Just to reassure you, an apology letter with no response does not necessarily mean it was a failure. And it sure doesn’t mean that your efforts are over.
This week, I am answering Chris’s questions about an apology letter “fail.” If you have a question, you can submit it at Podcast@SaveTheMarriage.com for consideration.
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Audrey wrote me to ask, “I just can’t get started on my marriage. What’s wrong with me?"
She wrote in as a listener of my podcast. (And if you have a question for the podcast, send it to me here: Podcast@SaveTheMarriage.com)
IF she WANTS to save her marriage, then WHY CAN’T SHE GET STARTED?
There are some reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started. And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other.
I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is:
Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads.
Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure.
What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble?
Can they find their way back?
First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night.
Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain?
Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.
We continue with listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a central question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?"
Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together.
But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?"
You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship.
I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast.
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“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”
Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.
Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.
So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.
Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.
I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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Over the last episodes, I have been answering listener questions (you can submit your question by email - CLICK HERE). In this episode, I respond to Susan. She wants to guarantee that she does not get divorced.
So, I reveal how you can guarantee that you won’t get divorced (you may not like my answer, but it is important).
And then, I discuss what to do if it is too late to get that guarantee.
More importantly, I discuss why people want that guarantee, and what to do about that.
Oh, and I even tell you the exact ingredients in your process to save your marriage.
Simple. Not easy. But powerful when understood and applied.
Looking for a guarantee? Tune in to learn more.
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When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.
And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.
A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."
What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.
Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered.
My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.
I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below.
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It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”
Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.
Are they opposites?
One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.
Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.
And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.
Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.
(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)
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Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed.
It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far.
And noting the relationship problems? That might “fall on deaf ears,” too.
Which means you may just be catching the blame.
And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way. Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make.
Now what?
Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes.
Maybe to prove you can. Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed.
Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses.
That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.
But those slips? They will absolutely be seen as failures by a suspicious spouse who is not trusting the changes (or even your capacity to change).
And that is the problem with change.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover some questions about this that were submitted by listeners. Take a listen below!
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What do you do when you feel like giving up, like nothing you do is making a difference? Or when your spouse says you are trying to hard, or acting strange? Or when you have dragged your spouse to retreats, therapy, workshops… and at every turn, your spouse throws up a wall?
What do you do to push through?
That assumes that, for right now, giving up is not what you want to do.
You could do that. You could walk away. That is an option at any time.
But what if you don’t want to do that?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer listener questions about how to continue in the face of failed efforts and resistant spouses.
We also look at the effects of depression on the process.
And I give you three pointers to keep moving forward… including why that “love language” may be failing in translation.
Listen below.
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Relationships of any depth and any magnitude are going to hit up against conflict. It is just the nature of being close to someone. You are going to have differences that emerge. It is not a question of if, but when those differences appear. And then there is another question: how do you deal with the conflict? Does it serve to push you apart or does it pull you together?
In marriage, you are tying your life to the life of a spouse. That intensifies the potential for conflict, and the importance of that conflict. If someone else’s life has no real bearing on mine, I can disregard and ignore our differences… and we can even go our separate ways.
But in marriage, you pledge to move through those tough times, to find a way that works for both of you. And that raises the potential for the conflict.
For many couples, conflict only serves to divide and separate, not strengthen and pull together. Which means that an opportunity has been missed. A bridge has been lost.
On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, my guest is Mari Frank. What makes Mari’s outlook interesting is that she is an attorney. A divorce attorney. Not one who likes to take relationships apart, but an attorney who sees the sadness of relationships that could survive, that still have potential… where the spouses can’t see a way through their conflict.
After Mari watched marriages ending unnecessarily, she decided to do something. She used the skills developed over the years of navigating negotiation and mediation to help couples get below their surface issues and resolve their deeper conflicts.
And she realized that couples could do this before they landed in her office! Before their marriage was in jeopardy! Not only that, the conflict actually created a path to intimacy, if the couple followed it.
This led to her book, Fighting for Love. And in this episode of the podcast, it leads to our discussion of how conflict can be turned into intimacy
Listen in as Mari and I discuss the 6 A’s To A Long Relationship, and how to use HARD LOVE to get out of conflict.
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In the last episode, I answered questions about infidelity and marriage. Well, I started answering questions. Since I started asking for your questions, I have received quite a few about affairs and infidelity. So, I continue answering questions in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Last episode, we focused more on what to do while there is an affair, emotional or physical.
This episode focuses a bit more on the aftermath. What do you do when the affair is ending/has ended? Especially if there is still contact!
What do you do with those thoughts and fears? What do you do about trust? How do you rebuild the relationship in the shadow of cheating? Especially if the cheating spouse is not doing what you want them to do in the recovery process?
And by the way, what’s “normal” in an upside-down reality?
We cover that and more!
Listen below for my answers to listener questions on infidelity (part 2)
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Someone cheated. What now? Can a marriage survive infidelity, either physical or emotional? Can a relationship recover after an affair?
Over the past while, I have been answering listener questions (you can submit by emailing here). And this week, we turn our attention to the subject of infidelity and affairs (both physical and emotional).
To be honest, I receive more questions on this topic than any other (which is the reason I wrote the book on recovering from an affair). So, this is only part 1 of my answers.
Affairs and infidelity affect many marriages. They are a risk during a marriage crisis, and they deepen a crisis already happening. Infidelity is less a cause of the actual crisis, and more a symptom. But a discovered affair is often the first clear sign of the depths of crisis.
How do you deal with your emotions? How do you deal with your spouse? And how about that other person?
We touch on this and many other issues in the episode below. Listen in.
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Is separation the best scenario for saving a marriage?
No. Many times, a separation ends up being a "dress rehearsal for divorce." Living separately creates patterns of separation. Connection becomes more difficult.
But is it all for naught?
Not necessarily.
For a number of episodes now, I have been answering questions from listeners (you can email your questions to podcast@savethemarriage.com).
In this episode, I answer questions from 3 listeners about their separation concerns: building connection during a separation, dealing with relationships that develop during a separation, and how to rebuild trust after a separation.
If you are struggling with a separation, whether before, during, or after, you need to listen in to this episode as I address the struggles with separation.
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For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).
This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.
It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all. A little conversation... that goes nowhere. Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere. It can feel frustrating and defeating.
How should you understand the situation?
What can you do about it?
Can you make progress?
We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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Jared was a bit more pointed in his question. But to be fair, I HAVE been asking for people to submit questions. And he did.
He told me straight up, "You tell me to connect with my spouse. Well, I've been trying to do that. If I've been trying and it isn't working, what are you gonna teach me that will make a difference?"
Fair question.
So I responded to it in this episode of the podcast.
Jared continues on about my "Easy" approach to saving a marriage. So, just to clarify here and in my podcast, I never said "Easy." I did say "Simple." Many things are simple, but not easy. Never confuse the two. My attempt is to simplify the process, so that you do not get overwhelmed. This is not some "self-working, no effort necessary" approach. Anyone who claims to have that is simply lying.
On the other hand, I think I can clarify and simplify the process, so that you know exactly what to do.
But I tell you why in the podcast.
And no, Jared, you don not "have" to do anything. But if you want to do something to work on your marriage, I am here to help. So, let's talk. First, listen to the episode below for my response to your question.
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"I need some encouragement," the note ended. The writer is a listener of my podcast and admitted the hard work that has gone into trying to save his marriage.
At the same time, another listener asked about whether this effort -- the work to save her marriage -- was just a "waste of time." Could I, the writer wanted to know, point to some hope? Some reason to continue the efforts.
If you haven't felt like these two writers, I'd be surprised. And would be super-surprised if it did not emerge at some point in the process.
Working on a marriage crisis can feel like a slow slog through a deep bog, hip-high in quicksand and sludge. It can feel like it threatens to pull you under.
Those are the times we need some encouragement and direction. Some... as one asked... hope, and as the other asked... encouragement.
I don't believe in false hope. I tell it like it is... and encourage you to take the steps you need to take. I shoot straight and tell the truth. So, first, let me say that I do not (and have never) claim that every marriage can be saved. Even if you do everything right, your spouse may still refuse to move toward the relationship.
I also know that there are two good outcomes. First is to save your marriage. Second is to rest assured that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.
My encouragement: There is one way through this. And that is THROUGH this. Regardless of outcome, YOU WILL BE OK. And YOU get to choose how you respond to this and every other challenge in life. So respond the best you can. Do your best. Rest in that knowledge.
Oh, and make sure you prepare yourself to do your best. Equip and execute. You've GOT this!
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Lately on the podcast, I have been answering listener questions. And quite a few have come in about how depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis?
Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times.
The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis.
In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis.
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Question: does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?
Answer: YES.
Longer answer: for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity. There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability. But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens. Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses.
And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended.
In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:
"What causes an affair? Why did it happen in OUR marriage?"
and
"What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?"
In these two cases, the questions are not academic. They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue.
If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Other Affair Episodes Connection and Marriage Book: Recovering From Infidelity Program: Save The Marriage System
I'm still answering your questions! If you have a question you want me to cover on the podcast, just SEND ME AN EMAIL HERE.
Today, we cover "time." Or more specifically, "How Long?" The questions come from 2 listeners, "B" and "J."
B asked about how long it takes to recover from broken trust. He follows up with wondering about PTSD symptoms and breaking trust. If your relationship suffers from broken trust, I cover the issue of healing time... and what you can do about that time.
I also go into some discussion about trust and trauma, to make sure you understand how that might affect your relationship.
And J is interested in how long to keep up the efforts before you "throw in the towel." J says that they are in a "lock." I disagree, and I cover how to think through the stuck spot... what it means, why you might be wrong, and how to keep on moving forward.
Trauma, Time, and Towels. I cover them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don't miss it! Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES What You CAN Control Trust and Marriage Importance of Apology Showing Up Save The Marriage System Books by Lee
"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.
But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks.
During the last few episodes of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I've been tackling your questions -- questions submitted by listeners. (If you have a question for consideration, email it to me HERE.)
In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try).
Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System.
But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that?
I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Setting Boundaries Boundaries and Control Healing Hurt Expectations and Agreements Conflict Save The Marriage System
What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?
That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.
As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE.)
Many times, when a marriage is in trouble, a spouse (or maybe you) just won't address the relationship issues, insisting they (or you) need to work on themselves (or yourself) before looking at the marriage.
The binary question: "work on me or work on WE?" stands out. But does it have to be so binary. Is it really one or the other? Or is there another way to approach this?
If you try to force a spouse to work on the relationship, that won't work... and might make things better. So, what CAN you do?
Listen to this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast for my response.
RELATED RESOURCES Don't Try to Convince Showing UP in Marriage Dealing with Conflict The Importance of Self-Expansion The Save The Marriage System HERE
Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me."
Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there?
This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil's questions... at least as much as I can. There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise.
But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy.
Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection Showing Up Having a Plan Spouse Is NOT The Enemy Save The Marriage System to Guide You
"Gem" wrote me after a recent episode of my podcast. In that episode, a therapist said, after one single session (where divorce had not been mentioned) that the client needed to prepare for divorce.
In Gem's case, her husband used therapy as the excuse that they "had tried therapy but it didn't work." But he went further, saying that if Gem did not go along with his desire to divorce, it amounted to her disregarding (and disrespecting) his emotions.
I would have said, "WHAT??", except I have heard the same thing over and over.
Often enough that I have even wondered if some Pro-Divorce "expert" had given that as the secret recipe to shift a spouse out of "save the marriage mode." (Yes, those folks do exist... and yes, spouses do find them... and use them to arm against staying married -- as if you need to arm against that!!)
What does it mean when a spouse says, "You are disrespecting my feelings by trying to save our marriage"? And what do you do? IS it disrespectful? SHOULD you just go along and give up?
I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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Several people have asked me the same thing: "What if I am not even sure I want to save my marriage? I am so frustrated and discouraged, I feel like quitting... not even trying."
It is a great question!
(By the way, if you want to submit a question for me to consider answering on a future podcast, email to podcast@SaveTheMarriage.com)
Let's be honest: it can be a frustrating and discouraging process. Sometimes, people think I say the process is easy. But in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I use the word, "Simple." That is not the same as easy. Just direct. Simple. (Only 3 steps.)
Many people, in a fit of frustration, a moment of anger, give up and walk away... only to regret it just a little further down the road.
Which is why I suggest you think about your decision a bit differently. I suggest you assess your reasons as part of your plan, and as a touch-point when things are difficult (and they will be). Because many times, the difficulty comes when people are close to success... they just didn't know it.
If you are discouraged (or want to avoid being discouraged), listen in on this episode of the podcast, as I explore "Why Even Try???"
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We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs!
What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change.
Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible.
Even when there are possibilities.
Even when things CAN change.
If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too!
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy." I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series What Happy Couples Know Showing Up Save The Marriage System
(Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE -- let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I'll try to answer!)
[Have a question about saving your marriage? Ask it by emailing me HERE.]
Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?
Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.)
Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.
If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it!
RELATED RESOURCES Book: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage
Here we are, Independence Day in the United States, marking the moment when the young colonies rejected ties to the British Crown.
So many times, I have people "declare their independence" from their marriage... somehow seeing marriage as about dependence. In our culture, any connection and reliance on someone else is often labeled as "dependence" or "codependence." In reaction, people want to shift to "independence."
In the healthiest of marriages, there is "interdependence." You can have your own identity AND rely upon another person. You can have separate roles and responsibilities, but ones that support each other, AND not be codependent. But interdependent.
Where does dependence, though, cross over to codependence? That word... that label... is so overused that we rarely remember what it originally meant (I explain it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast below).
It is true, some couples and individuals ARE overly reliant on a spouse for emotional support and help. It is also true that every couple should be able to rely on the relationship for emotional support. But what is healthy? When does it become UN-healthy?
Colleen wrote in and asked (and YOU can submit a question, too, by CLICKING HERE and emailing it), and it is an important question -- is this codependence, and how can you deal with it?
Listen below to learn about dependence, independence, codependence, and interdependence, in your own marriage.
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.Resentment eats away at any relationship. It can destroy a marriage. Bitterness takes over and every good memory or thought is re-remembered and "bitter-ized" The foundational connection in the relationship is sapped of energy. Love and connection is slowly replaced with hate and disgust.
Can it be healed? Can you heal the resentment?
"Jared" wrote to me about his situation. It seems that his spouse has felt unappreciated for years. And even when Jared tried to change, to do better, that only threw fuel on the fire.
Instead of healing, the resentment seemed to grow.
So, Jared asked me, "How do you deal with long term bitterness and resentment?"
Maybe your particular situation and details are different. But anger and resentment (and the ensuing bitterness) affects many marriages. Troubled marriages are always hurting marriages, which comes out in anger and bitterness.
Can anything be done? Is there a path toward healing?
I cover the situation and the hope in the podcast. Listen below.
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"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.
I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)
Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.
Claire was shocked. No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible. Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist!
I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over. Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?
Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them.
RELATED RESOURCES Can Therapy Help? The Dangers of Marital Therapy Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist Won't Tell You Am I Against Therapy? How To Start System To Save Your Marriage CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION
Do you have a question you want answered about marriage, marital problems, relationship issues, and how to save your marriage? Send an email and ask your question. If it is something that would benefit others, I will answer it in a future podcast episode!
If you are a regular listener of the Save The Marriage Podcast, you know how often I discuss "connection," the importance of it and the dangers of disconnection. But do you know what I mean when I say, "connection"?
Chad didn't. So, he asked.
Sometimes, we can get pretty far down the path on a plan, but forget the basics, the fundamentals.
And connection is an absolutely crucial fundamental. Broken marriages are disconnected marriages. Healthy marriages are connected. The disconnection is the path to failure. And... no surprise... connection is the path to health and healing.
In our disconnected world, in our busy world, connection is often lost. Not on purpose, but lost nonetheless. And while it may have seemed effortless in the beginning, if you don't understand what you are trying to do, you can get lost and confused.
In this episode of the podcast, I answer Chad's question: "What IS connection??" (It just might answer your question, too.)
RELATED RESOURCES: Click Here To Email YOUR Question Healthy Connection Better Communication Less Conflict Book: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps System: Save The Marriage System
The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did.
"We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)."
AFTER life, we will get back to love.
There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.
There IS no pause.
When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection.
Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers. Disconnected.
In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back.
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How do you make a shift, from painful communication to peaceful conversation?
What if you have something difficult to discuss with your partner? How do you start? What do you do? What path do you follow?
My guest on the Save The Marriage Podcast, is Susan Allan. After talking her way out of a very dangerous situation with her ex-spouse, Susan set out to discover better ways of communication in difficult relationships.
Susan created the 6 Part Conversation Process in her attempt to help others communicate better.
Over the years, Susan has used this process (and taught this process) to thousands of individuals and couples.
In my interview, we cover the first 2 parts of the process (for the full process, find the entire interview at Relationship Rewrite).
The first 2 foundational parts set the scene for a conversation that can be had and heard... that may just get you to a different place in your relationship.
Listen to the podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES It Isn't Just Communication But There ARE Communication Issues Susan Allan's Website Relationship Rewrite Save The Marriage System
I suppose I have seen marriages in pretty tough spots. Destructive and hurting, I've watched relationships both heal and end. I've also had the privilege of seeing some pretty amazing marriages.
So, when I was asked by a client a few days ago, "After all this time, do you really still believe in marriage?", I paused. Not because I wasn't sure about my answer. I just wanted to be clear about my answer.
Somewhat flippantly, I replied, "Believe in it? I've seen it! I'm even in one!"
But more deeply, that question triggered me. Yes, of course I still believe in marriage. I work with hurting marriages every day. I coach, teach, and even push people toward better relationships, healthier marriages.
Still, that question....
WHY do I believe in marriage?
Because the problem is not with marriage. It's with how we do it.
Culture certainly needs to act to help with people who are getting married... so that people are better prepared.
But guess what? YOU can act to improve your marriage.... That makes all the difference, as we work to save and improve marriages one relationship at a time.
Listen to the podcast episode below.
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Some marriages seem so fragile, ready to break at any time. Many times, people work hard to protect that type of marriage. It seems that anything can be the end of it!
That fragility is not baked into the marriage. It comes from a mindset, a misunderstanding. It comes from thinking that a successful marriage simply has no struggles, no difficulties.
Not true.
In fact, successful marriages take on the challenges as an opportunity for growth. That is one of the hallmarks of thriving marriages. Not just marriages that are surviving. But ones that are thriving.
Over the years, I noticed that the thriving marriages had often been through their share of bumps and bruises, struggles and strife. But they had learned from the struggles. They had found ways to come together, to stand together, in the face of the difficult times.
Those marriages that struggled? They moved from the team-approach to the me-approach: "what am I getting?," "why should I take this?," "I want my fair share." And in the process, the relationship (the "team") got pushed aside. It was all "me, me, me, you, you, you." Not "WE."
In today's Save The Marriage Podcast, I use the term from business, Anti-Fragile, to describe what you are moving toward... and how to begin that shift.
Listen in to discover how you can shift from Fragile to Anti-Fragile.
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When a marriage is struggle, stuck, and painful, you are likely stuck in an unconscious relationship. Unconscious dynamics continue to push and pull at both of you, leading to disagreement, dissent, and disdain.
But it does not have to get stuck there. It is possible to make a powerful shift from an unconscious relationship to a conscious partnership.
There has to be a starting point, right?
Guess what? Just knowing that you are stuck in unconscious relating IS the first step. Really, step zero. Because until you are there, you can't take any further steps. As with most things, once we recognize that something is the problem, we have taken a huge step in getting ready to take a step to resolve.
Strange, right? Nothing has changed. But everything has changed. It is a paradigm shift. And until you make that shift, you can't build into the new paradigm.
A full conscious partnership is your goal, whether you knew it or not. You want to be powerfully shifting into a new level of partnership where the unconscious crap does not continue to sabotage your relating. You want, instead, to be relating from a point of connection and consciousness.
Most people, at this point, tell me the "just don't have time or energy to devote to that." Until I point out how much time and energy they are already devoting to the hurt, pain, and discomfort of where things are. Might as well make sure the time and energy are more constructive than destructive.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I interview Alexandra Stockwell about how you can begin to build a conscious partnership. We discuss steps you can take to make a shift from the unconscious to the conscious. (For the full interview, join Relationship Rewrite for access.)
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Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.
Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?
This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone.
And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under.
One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.
Don't allow yourself to get pulled under.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.
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We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship.
Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence.
As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship.
Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you.
But we all get to choose how we will Show Up.
We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life.
How do YOU Show Up?
Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to!
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Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?
Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.
So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?
Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.
And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.
Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.
Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?"
Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?"
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You may be wondering, "Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?"
Let's start with this: It matters! A lot!
Why does it matter?
Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR "why", your big reason for working on it.
Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters. Then, I walk you through a process to discover your Big WHY's, and how to use your Why's to keep you on track, as you work to save your marriage.
Listen below.
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We are taking Back 2 Basics! Boiling the whole marriage crisis -- and turning it around -- right down to the very basics. Last week, I started a 2-part session with the 3 C's you need to do to turn things around. (FIND THE EPISODE RIGHT HERE)
This week, I discuss HOW you carry out those 3 C's... using the 4 C's. Think of the last episode of giving you the targets you need to address. This is HOW you address your efforts.
Many people want to save their marriage... and they even have an idea of the areas they need to address (last episode). They may be very clear about what went wrong (the first episode of this series). But then, panic sets in. And their efforts backfire. They can't get traction. Their spouse pushes back.
It doesn't have to be that way! There is a simple formula for you to follow (back to basics) on how you implement your plan... the plan to address those 3 targets. 4 simple guidelines... those 4 C's, will guide you and keep you out of trouble.
After the last episode came out, a listener/reader contacted me and said, "There is no way it is that easy." I agreed. The process is not easy. It is, however, pretty simple and straightforward... unless you complicate it unnecessarily. Sure, it seems overwhelming. But that is the reason for this series.
To break it down into the basic pieces. To give you a simple roadmap to follow. To remind you of what is most important. Those targets? The 3 C's? Incredibly important. Those guidelines? The 4 C's? Incredibly important.
Let's get this process going.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCE: B2B: What Went Wrong? B2B: What To Do? BOOK: Marriage Fail Point BOOK: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps PROGRAM: Save The Marriage System
In this second episode of the Back2Basics series, we shift away from "what happened" (see the last episode) to "what now?" Sure, you want to start by understanding why marriages (including YOUR marriage) can get into trouble. But that only gets you to the start of your efforts. (I also cover this in my book, Marriage Fail Point.)
In this episode, we shift to what now? You know your marriage is in crisis. Now, you know how it got there. Let's talk about an overall approach to saving your marriage... my 3C Approach.
When I wrote my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, I outlined these three steps. But more importantly, I noted that the approach to saving a marriage is much more simple than most people believe.
We tend to complicate things, when we really need to be simplifying, boiling things down to their essentials.
Understand: "simple" is very different than "easy." You may find that your efforts to save your marriage are hard. Scary. Exhausting.
But don't complicate them. Go back to the basics.
Listen below for the 3 Steps To Save Your Marriage.
RELATED RESOURCES: B2B- What Happened? Book: Marriage Fail Points Book: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Grab The System: Save The Marriage System
It can get so overwhelming, all the information coming at you! What you want is to save your marriage. But you are probably already overwhelmed with the situation... much less, getting help for your situation!
Sometimes, it is just time to "get back to basics." This B2B series is my attempt to take it down to simplicity... what happened, why did it happen, and what do you do?
In this episode of the podcast (listen below), we take a look at what happened: how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis.
Since we don't get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn't be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a crisis, what do you do to get yourself and your marriage to a better place?
And so, we start with what went wrong. Discover how a marriage stalls, why it starts falling, and how it ends up in a nosedive.
Listen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Book: Marriage Fail Point Step-by-Step System: Save The Marriage System Connection and Disconnection Being a WE
Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.
Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.
Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.
But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.
To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.
Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?
Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.
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When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.
But then....
They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.
Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured.
Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.
I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
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So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy." In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.
The next step is often, "I need space." But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.
Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation.
All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern: "I'm not happy."
One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with "emotional space." It is crucial to understand emotional space.
Today, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage. Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues? Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested "space"?
We discuss why "space" is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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You don't want it. But your spouse insists. A separation has to happen.
Or maybe you thought you wanted a separation... hoping it would help. But after reading my stuff or listening to my podcasts, you might realize that this is NOT the best idea.
In fact, you realize that you have now escalated the crisis by not a little, but a lot! This is not an incrimental shift. It is much bigger.
So, now what?
What do you do to try and minimize the damage... even setting up the separation so that there is a way back?
Most people think separation might just be a way of getting things back "on track." But not if you don't set it up that way. Not if you don't plan for resolution.
Separation does not have to be a disaster. But without planning, it often is.
In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what you need to do BEFORE you separate... so that it leads back to marriage.
Listen to the episode below.
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I think I have made it clear that I am not a fan of separation. Generally, it is a trial run at divorce, a "dress rehearsal."
But is there a time when it is necessary to separate? When it is actually a good idea to separate?
Many couples face this question every year. They ponder the question, mulling it over. Should they separate? What does a separation do for the prospects of saving a marriage?
Having had this conversation with couples and individuals many times over my career, I can tell you that the conversation, itself, is painful and tough. Much less, actually separating.
Sometimes, there has to be a separation. In fact, in one instance, I think it is absolutely necessary.
Then, there are times when you may want to resist, but realize that there is more damage done by NOT separating than by separating.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer the question, "When is it time to separate?" Listen below.
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You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like.
Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want.
But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good?
Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it?
Yes.
There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone's efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made.
More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them.
So, let's talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage.
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Roles. We all have them. We all play them.
Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband."
Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.
Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something.
And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.
Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.
To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.
And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck.
Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead.
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I spent way more time in school than I would like. To be honest, I never enjoyed school. Not when I was a kid. Not in high school. Not in college. And not in 3 rounds of grad school (2 Master's and 1 Ph.D.).
But I spent that time in school because I had a goal. To be a therapist. So, I did extensive training, focusing on marriage and family therapy.
So why am I critical of therapy?
Partly because I have seen it from the inside. Partly because I have seen the outcome studies of therapy -- particularly marital therapy.
Which raises the question: am I opposed to therapy?
The answer: not in theory. And not even in some specifics.
When couples are ready to make changes, and when they work with a therapist who is specifically trained in marriage and family therapy theory, and who is skilled... the outcome can be excellent.
I know many couples who have benefitted. And I know some pretty amazing therapists.
But overall, the stats are not good. At least, in terms of saving marriages. 1/2 of all marriages that get therapy end up divorced -- the same stat that applies to the general population.
There are some specific reasons why therapy often falls short. Some have to do with therapy/therapist. Some have to do with clients/couples.
I discuss why there are issues in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.
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If you have tried therapy and it didn't work, or if you don't want to do therapy, please grab my Save The Marriage System
I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.
Don't. Stop. Think again before you share.
Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.
You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get support. But that support likely includes siding with you. And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.
When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts. And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable. But it complicates the original conflict and issues.
And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery.
Does that mean that you can't get help and support?
Nope. You just want to go about getting support the right way.
I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week's podcast episode... along with who TO tell. Listen below.
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It is probably the most frequent question I get... "Should I try to save my marriage?" I get it in conversations, voicemails, emails, even by Messenger the other day. People often give me a few (sometimes, very few) details about their relationship and want my professional opinion on whether they should try to save their marriage (or keep trying).
Truth is, that is a decision I cannot and will not make. Each person has to decide whether they want to try and save the marriage. I can't make that choice for them.
But I do think there are some pretty important things to consider, as you try to answer that question.
One thing, after nearly 3 decades of helping people with their marriages, I know is the outcome of NOT working on their relationship. NOT trying is almost certainly NOT saving the relationship. There is a high probability that not taking action will lead to the marriage ending.
The real choice is NOT saving the marriage or PERHAPS saving the marriage.
Is it possible that you put forth effort... really dig in... really give it your best effort... and your marriage still fails. But it is nearly guaranteed that if you don't take action, your marriage will end. And it is highly possible that you put in the effort... and your marriage is saved.
The choice is your choice. But it is a NO... unless you try.
Let's talk about that choice in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast
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I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble: Better or Bitter. One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.
One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing: Better.
The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration: Bitter.
Here is the irony: many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness. And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.
A shift to Better.
Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage. They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing... and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns... away. The bitterness gains ground. It eats away at all progress.
And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was "too far gone," "too hurt," or "too damaged." In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.
So, there is a choice: Bitter or Better?
Let's talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go. Listen to the podcast below.
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It's just around the corner... just days away. The end of this year and the beginning of a New Year.
A new beginning. A fresh start.
A renewal of your efforts to save your marriage.
Many times, as time wears on, when an effort wears on... we tend to drift. Sometimes, we know it. Other times, it just creeps up on us. We think we are following a plan... but we aren't.
This is a great time to take a quick step back, then take a strong step forward. It is a time to renew your approach, your clarity, and your determination.
On this week's podcast episode, I cover 4 areas of renewal. When put together, you will be off to a great start into the New Year, renewed and recommitted to your efforts to save and improve your marriage.
Listen below for more on these 4 key areas of renewal.
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How are you doing with the Holidays upon us? Did you know that between the end of November and the end of December, there are over 14 holidays (Holy Days) across the spectrum of beliefs and religions? In the US, the dominant holiday season is around Christmas.
If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, the holidays can be especially painful, full of hurt and grief.
And opportunity. Healing. Help for your relationship.
Unfortunately, the hurt often keeps people from moving to the healing. Pain keeps them from connecting.
But it doesn't have to be this way. It can be a time of healing and connection.
In this week's podcast episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the hurt and pain, but also the possibility and potential for healing. Listen below.
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And suddenly... crisis!
(or not)
RARELY does a crisis come "out of the blue."
Many times, people will tell me that they "had no idea," or "never saw it coming." But then, we start talking. And they tell me about those little warning signs along the way. The ones they ignored. Or that they didn't fully respond to.
Those signs? That's the "blah, blah, blah's" that come before the crisis. The "I'm not happy." The "something's not quite right." The "I need something to change." Those are the "blah's" that are either missed or ignored.
Or half-heartedly heard.
No real changes. Just attempts to duck the conflict, to change the conversation.
Here's the thing: if you are already at BANG!, you can't go back and address the "blah's". You do have to deal with the crisis. But you also want to be clear on how you got here. How the "blah's" got missed. And why you are at BANG!
Let's talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
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You want to save your marriage. Maybe you even have a plan put together, ready to go. Or maybe you have even started the process.
This episode of the podcast is cautionary. A warning. But the warning is not about NOT saving your marriage, but the possibility of your efforts falling apart.
It may have nothing to do with your plan.
Nothing to do with your understanding.
Worse yet, nothing to do with your spouse.
It is possible that a trio of dynamics can torpedo and destroy your plans and your efforts. Those dynamics can be fatal to your hopes and dreams. To your possibility of saving your marriage.
And this trio, this "fatal triangle"? They have nothing to do with your spouse or your plans. They emerge from within you. Tripping you up.
Unless you understand them and know how to defeat them.
Don't let this trio, the Fatal Triangle, defeat you and your efforts!
Listen to the episode for full details
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Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance??
Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3....
No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway!
One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming.
And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder.
And then, they dance it again.
How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life?
That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift.
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Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!
Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it!
But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.
Until...
Maybe it was something small...
Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)...
And BOOM! You blow up!
You use a tone you wish you hadn't. You say things you wish you hadn't. You do things you wish you hadn't.
BLOW UP!
... and then it passes.
But the damage is done.
Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.
So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.
Listen to this week's podcast episode below.
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You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage. I'm all about saving a marriage.
But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved?
No.
First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage. At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage. There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change.
Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses. In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic. And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage.
Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage.
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Over the years, I developed some direct and simple ways to save your marriage (simple is not the same as easy -- it still takes effort!). One piece of my approach was what I called "The 3 C's" -- being Calm, Constant, and Consistent.
These "3 C's" aren't really about what you do, but how you do it... how you carry out your plan (something I discuss in my System and share with my VIP members in a "fill-in-the-blank plan").
Over the years, those 3 C's have been a mantra for my clients... the reminder that keeps them moving in helpful ways when panic is pulling at them. This mantra keeps the process moving in productive ways, creating profound changes in the relationship.
Many times, those 3 C's are the difference between a plan working and failing, between successfully saving a marriage and failure.
Last week, one of the members of my VIP group noted that she needed to add a 4th C. And then, she pointed out what should have been obvious... there IS a 4th C! And it is something I have discussed before... but failed to include as an important (and daily) C in the process.
That 4th C? Courage.
In this week's podcast episode, I cover the first 3 C's, then tell you how that 4th C fits into your efforts. Here's how you work your plan... be sure and listen in!
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It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions." Emotions change. Feelings shift. And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time.
Sure, you can feel an emotion. But tell me what it is? What it means? Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes? Or tomorrow?
Let's be clear: a hurting marriage is painful. Conflict is tough. Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating. But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away? What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away.
Is that a reason to give up?
Notice: "feel like" is seen as a "reason."
Many people tell me they just need to "follow their emotions." I remind them that there is a group of people who do this... children -- around 3 years old! Because they think that the emotion is truth. They are angry, so they throw a fit. 5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play. Until the next upheaval.
Part of maturity is recognizing that emotions are temporal. And we don't have to react to an emotion. We can choose our response.
Especially around things like marriage. Important things.
Listen to this podcast episode to learn more.
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There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship.
The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage?
How is the trap set?
Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that "one." Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating.
And plays directly into this myth.
This myth is all about marriage and happiness... and the role of a spouse.
Listen to this week's podcast to understand this myth... and why it is so dangerous!
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When a marriage is in trouble, the first place many people turn to is the internet. Where most people discover quite a plethora of information.
But what to trust? What to do?
Remember that even Google says they are a "search engine, not a truth engine." In other words, they just give you search results. Not an evaluation of the results.
So, some people just dive right in, grabbing information on top of information, believing that if it has to do with "saving a marriage," it must all fit together.
This is patently false. And it leads to trouble.
Some advice is very manipulative. Some is simply misguided. Lots is based on anecdotal evidence -- the author somehow saved his or her marriage and thinks it applies across the board (it rarely does).
How do you pick through the advice and information?
I do my best to be transparent on what I teach. I rely on 3 decades of experience as a coach and therapist, 30 years in my own marriage, and lots of research.
And I will tell you exactly what I teach... along with why I teach it. Then, you can make your own decision on what path to follow.
Listen to this week's podcast episode for what I suggest and why I suggest it.
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Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!
A few episodes ago, I noted some fears that can sabotage your efforts to save your marriage.
But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?
Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.
Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.
Those two fears?
Fear of Intimacy Fear of Abandonment
Let's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.
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Support. We all need it. But we need the right kind of support.
If you are in the midst of a marriage crisis, you might feel all alone, just you against the world (and your spouse). Well, you aren't against your spouse. And the world is not against you.
It can feel that way, though.
Which is why you need to find your support team.
In the last episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discussed 5 ways to deal with the emotional crisis of a marriage crisis. And one way was through support -- at which point I realized I had not previously discussed how to get support.
So, we cover that today.
I suggest you have 3 layers to your support. So, I discuss the 3 layers and how to manage each layer. Listen below for how to build your support team.
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It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.
A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...
And undo any progress you have been making.
I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions." And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.
In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.
Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.
You can do it! Let's talk about how!
(Listen Below!)
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You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.
Then, BAM! You hit a wall.
A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.
But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.
When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise."
Which will they be for you?
Listen to the podcast episode below.
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The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).
She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.
NMF
She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it.
NMF
When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings.
And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?
NMF
I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.
Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is "Not My Fault."
Here is the problem with "Not My Fault": It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).
Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.
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Sometimes, people want to check with me and see if my System addresses certain special issues. One that recurs is the question about addictions. What if they or their spouse is addicted? Will that be a problem in saving the marriage?
Since it is a recurring question, I decided to address it in this episode of the podcast.
But the quick answer is "Yes, it is an issue. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But no, that does not discount or eliminate the issues in the marriage. It adds another layer."
The longer answer is addressed in the podcast.
But first, let me be clear in saying that I believe humans have a propensity to addiction. Many of us avoid immediately destructive addictions. But many of us do fall prey to longer-term damage from addictions. For example, sugar. While it may not kill as quickly as alcohol or opiates, the long term damage is undeniable.
In this case, we are looking, though, at more immediately damaging addictions, both to substances and processes (sex, gambling, etc.).
If addictions, either your own or your spouse's, is adding to your marriage crisis, take a listen to see how the two pieces of the puzzle must be addressed.
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"I just outgrew you," he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually "outgrown" her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, "You stifle me," and she answered, "You never care about my interests."
And both were right.
But both missed the opportunity -- self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.
Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.
Great term, "self-expansion." In a world of "self-growth" and "self-development," the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.
Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.
Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
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One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage!
I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??"
They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggling to win. But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage.
Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team. You are working toward a common goal (or should be). The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.
This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE." WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team! Same side, same direction (or should be).
Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!
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Far from the first time, he turned to me in the middle of a session and said, "See? It just shouldn't be this hard. That is why I know this marriage is wrong. If it were right, we wouldn't struggle like this."
I had to admit... they were struggling. It was difficult. BUT, the struggle did not prove the marriage was wrong. It did demonstrate that the way they were interacting was not good for the relationship (or for either of the two people in my office).
What it did not prove was that the marriage was wrong.
Quick stat. Do you have any idea what percent of marriages have difficulties and struggles?
Here is the answer... if you haven't guessed: 100%
Yep. All of them.
Somewhere around 50% figure out how to move through the struggle or stick it out, in spite of the struggle.
That's just one of the lies we tell about marriages. Not that people mean to lie. They just say what they believe... which is a lie (or based on a lie). Let me tell you four of the bigger lies people tell (themselves) in this episode of the podcast.
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Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages.
Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies!
A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind.
And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too.
Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship!
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Remember that children's story? Goldilocks, lost in the woods, stumbles upon the bear family home -- which they had just left. Inside, she finds one bowl of porridge too hot, one too cold, and one just right. Same with chairs: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Same with beds: one too soft, one too hard, and one just right. Goldilocks picks (duh) the "just right" option and falls asleep.
But remember: the too hot/cold, too hard/soft items were not too hard/soft, hot/cold for other members of the bear family. We all have "just rights" that are just right to us -- not to others.
And that is true with marriage. Healthy marriages are built to be "just right" to both people. In hurting marriages, it may not be "just right" for either. Or it may only be "just right" to one. Both situations can cause strife, conflict, and pain.
This week, let's talk about how the "Goldilocks Principle" applies to marriage -- and how you might be able to get to a "just right" relationship.
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There it is, right on my website: marital therapy is not particularly effective. And yet, people often contact me to ask, "Where can I get therapy?"
Why?
Because our culture is psychologized and therapized, for good or bad.
So let me be crystal clear: I am NOT across-the-board opposed to marital therapy. There are excellent therapists out there. And there are excellent approaches out there.
It just isn't guaranteed that you will find the right therapist, or that you and your spouse will approach therapy in a way that will be effective.
Which is the two parts of the problem: Therapist issues and client issues.
This week, I want to discuss 3 ways to really guarantee that your marriage therapy will fail. One is all about the therapist you choose. Two ways are about how you use the therapy.
And here is the super-cool thing: if you know these 3 ways to absolutely guarantee failure... you can avoid them! Then, therapy (if you so choose it) has a chance of helping... and not harming... your relationship.
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We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don't heal.
Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen.
Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way.
There are two parts to the process of healing: apology and forgiving. But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other. They are separate. Sometimes, people lump them together. And while they are related, one does not link to the other.
You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you. Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive.
Let's talk about each of these processes and why they are not related... and why that is important. Listen below.
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Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy.
But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well.
For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue.
Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue.
So, today, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection!
Listen below.
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"What happened?", they ask me. They tell me they knew things weren't great... but they had no idea that things were "this bad," to the point that a spouse is threatening separation or divorce.
Suddenly, a chronic marriage problem becomes a marriage crisis.
They can't believe "that one argument" led to the threats of divorce.
And they are exactly right. That was just a flashpoint.
At some point, most chronic issues have a tipping point, when they go from chronic to crisis. it happens with health issues. And it happens with relationship issues.
Nothing is great... but not horrible... until everything turns upside-down. The problem erupts into a crisis.
If that is what happened to you, you need to understand the dynamics behind this. I cover those dynamics in today's podcast. Listen below.
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I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?
Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?
Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.
Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!
And save their marriage, they do!
The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”
The choice between the two? All yours.
Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.
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"We need to talk," is the start-up of many conversations with a spouse in marital strife. Those words can strike fear and dread into you. What if things turn south? How do you respond? What do you do?
If you are following my System, you know that I have a number of "Don't Do's" that can keep you out of trouble. This is my list of thing NOT to do.
And one biggie is Don't Talk About The Relationship. What I mean by that is YOU should not have THE "Relationship Talk." You know... the one that you have rehearsed in your head... the one where your spouse will "see the light" and return to the marriage -- given your full list of reasons and emotions.
Except... that is not what happens. Your spouse is not reading off of the script you have in your head. And so, the talk goes south.
So, what do you do, then, if you are committed to not having the "relationship talk," and your spouse is wanting to talk about the relationship?
I'm here to help! In this week's podcast episode, I cover this question. I tell you why your spouse wanting to talk about your marriage is NOT the same as my rule about not having that Relationship Talk. And I share why avoiding your spouse's desire to talk is actually a problem. Perhaps a BIG problem.
So, how do you have that talk and make it work FOR your relationship? Listen to the episode for help on how to talk about the relationship when your spouse wants to, without having THE "Relationship Talk."
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Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust).
The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.
A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.
That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.
Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love.
Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely.
But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process.
(Love isn't earned. It is given.)
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It's a common question.
And a dangerous question.
"Give me an easy trick or tip that will save my marriage." I heard it last week from a phone call.
Another one just wanted the "Cliff Notes" on saving their marriage. No need to go in-depth. Just an overview. And "easy" way to save their marriage.
First, let me be clear: I do believe that both people were quite sincere in their desires to save their marriage. I think they both wanted to turn things around, to "fix" things.
But... they wanted the "short cut." No muss. No fuss. Just a quick way to turn it around.
Quick question: just before you go into surgery, do you want to think your doctor just looked up a quick "tip" on your surgery -- maybe just read the overview from a journal or book -- or, would you rather know that the doctor had put in the time and effort to learn about how to do the surgery?
I know my answer. I want him to KNOW what he is doing. Not have a quick overview.
If it is just a book for a test, Cliff Notes! I used them (I hate to admit). But for something important?
We need to go in-depth. Not to Ph.D. level (I did that so you don't have to). Enough, though, to be really doing the work. Not just trying to get by and slide through the crisis.
The process of saving your marriage is actually pretty simple. Which should never be confused with easy. (I cover this in my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.)
Don't fall for the "easy tip/trick" or look for the easy answer. Make it real.
This is what I discuss in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
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Over these past few weeks, I have been letting my team of coaches share from their wealth of knowledge. I'm betting you have been learning lots. This week, we continue those interviews.
Coach Paula Martin
Paula has been with me since the beginning of my team of coaches. But long before Paula came onto my team, she was already coaching. Her training is in Relationship Coaching, but she is also trained and skilled as a mediator. A core of mediation is finding a common goal or common interest, then building from there. Not a bad skill for relationship recovery!
In our discussion, Paula brought up a powerful image: the mosaic. Paula noted that many times, when something in life seems shattered (like, for instance, a marriage), people feel hopeless that there is nothing to be done. It is shattered and ruined, they believe. Paula notes that every beautiful mosaic is made from broken pieces. Pieces that are put together in a beautiful pattern that wasn't possible before it was broken.
Sometimes, something beautiful can come out of the broken. Many times, this is true with marital problems.
If you hear something that fits for you -- if you resonate with what Paula discusses -- you might want to contact her. You can email her by CLICKING HERE.
I've been introducing you to my team of coaches -- and to their wisdom -- over the past few weeks. If you've been listening, you have heard from some talented and seasoned coaches. And you have had the chance to get some great nuggets of knowledge from their years of experience.
Coach Dave Crispin
This week is no different -- except for the distance. My team member from "Down Under," Dave Crispin and I had a late evening/early morning talk that you get to overhear today. Listen in as Dave talks about his own journey to today.
Dave didn't start as a coach. After his own loss, Dave found himself learning and growing. Not because things were easy, but because things had been tough and he knew he had to grow.
And along the way, Dave discovered his passion for helping people as they were struggling on their own life path.
While helping others grow, Dave discovered his capacity for helping couples grow, even when their marriage was in trouble.
Listen in as Dave and I discuss how to grow through the challenging times, even using the challenges as inspiration.
If you hear something that clicks for you, and if you want to contact Dave, CLICK HERE to email him.
Over these past few episodes, I have been sharing interviews with my team of coaches -- and sharing their depth of wisdom and knowledge with you.
Coach Terri Hase
This week, I share an interview with Terri Hase. Another of my skilled and seasoned coaches, Terri brings a wealth of knowledge and tools to her clients. And in our interview, Terri shares some great information for anyone trying to save their marriage.
One of the topics we discuss is change -- even the delayed change. You know, those things that need to be change, but we put them off? And then, you make the change... only to have a spouse doubt your veracity.
Well, change is tough. And sometimes, we don't make changes... until we have to.
Don't let that diminish your efforts to make changes! Even when a spouse is resisting, making those changes is necessary and important.
Listen in as Terri discusses her journey through challenges to arrive at coaching, and how to move through the change process.
If you want to contact Terri, CLICK HERE TO EMAIL.
Over the past few episodes, you have met some of my coaches. All are amazing and outstanding coaches, as well as wonderful people. Today, you get to meet another amazing person, Laurie Johnson.
Coach Laurie Johnson
So, what do you do when one of the worst hurricanes hits your home and destroys all that you have? You rebuild. Not just your property, but your life.
Which is precisely how Laurie found her home in coaching. As is true with most coaches, it is not a matter of starting at zero. Most people who become coaches have been "coaching" their entire lives. They just didn't know it. So, for Laurie, it was about connecting the dots, seeing a new future, and building toward that.
Interestingly, that is pretty much the recipe for rebuilding a marriage. Once you can connect all the dots, you have to be able to see a different future. Beyond the devastation that might be there. To a future that is bigger and better. And then, you have to do the work to build toward that.
Laurie and I talk about the importance of those efforts -- the importance of choosing your direction and then "staying the course."
Listen in as Laurie shares her wisdom for dealing with a marriage crisis, even when the storm is hitting, the winds are blowing, and you aren't sure if you can hold on. You can.
If you want to contact Laurie, CLICK HERE TO EMAIL.
Hope is an interesting thing. It can disappear -- or you can build it.
Coach Annette Carpien
Over the last few weeks, I've been introducing you to my incredibly talented team of coaches. And this week, Annette Carpien is my guest. A part of my team from the beginning of me having a team, Annette is a skilled coach who brings hope into her work.
In her coaching, Annette wants to do more than just make a small shift in the relationship. As she puts it, she wants to help make the relationship "juicy," something that both people cherish and protect.
As Annette and I talk, you will hear her infectious enthusiasm that comes from a place of hope -- and confidence that she can help make a real shift.
With her tools and skills, Annette is a great asset to my team, a great coach, and a wealth of wisdom for those ready to make a true shift.
If you resonate with anything you hear from Annette and would like to discuss coaching with her, contact her by EMAILING HERE.
Over the last couple of episodes, and over the next few, you get to meet and learn from my amazing coaches. They are all hand-selected by me because of their expertise as coaches. Then, we add in my tools and approach. And, their outstanding coaching becomes your chance for transformation.
Coach Nina Potter
In this episode, I chat with Nina Potter, one of my earliest coaches. Nina knows relationship struggles because she has been there. And because of her own relationship challenges, Nina set out to learn all about relationships: what makes them healthy -- and how to turn them around when they aren't healthy.
My coaches are a wealth of wisdom. And Nina shares her wisdom during our discussion. We talk about the dangers of control, and how to make a shift when a marriage is stuck.
If you are interested in contacting Nina, you can EMAIL HER HERE.
Last week, you got to hear from me a little about who I am and why I do what I do. Over the next few weeks, I want to introduce you to my amazing team of coaches. Not just introduce you, but let you listen to their wisdom that can help you in your efforts to save your marriage.
Coach Debbie Rivera
This week, I introduce you to Coach Debbie Rivera. Debbie is a gem of a person and a diamond of a coach! She brings skill and integrity into her coaching and her life. Her calm and cool can guide you through a crisis. Her skills can equip you to take on your crisis effectively and efficiently.
As we talk, Debbie shares one of the most important shifts that must happen in the process of saving a marriage: returning to love.
Listen as Debbie and I discuss the process of returning to love.
(And if you want to contact Debbie, CLICK TO EMAIL)
Dr. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
Over the next few weeks, I want you to meet my talented staff. I have some of the top relationship coaches working with me to provide great help to couples around the world. And I am proud of the work we do.
Why?
Because it comes from my deep belief that healthy marriages are crucial for a healthy family, community, and world.
I jump in this week to tell you about who I am and why I do what I do. Just so you know where I am coming from. Just so you have a better feel for who is behind the Save The Marriage System (and this podcast, books, workshops, coaching, etc.).
I'll share a bit about my early life, my training, and my convictions about saving marriages.
Consider this an introduction, if you are new to my program. Consider it further discussion if you have been around for a bit.
Either way, here I am!
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Let me just say, from the outset, I AM a fan of romance.
That said, I DON'T like when "romantic feelings" are used as the yardstick for a marriage. If you are dating someone and have no romantic feelings, ever, that is a reason for concern. If you have been married for awhile and are not feeling the romance... that is something to work on. Not a reason to walk away.
Which brings us to the last couple of days. Today (the day this episode comes out) is Valentine's Day. According to tradition, it honors a priest, Valentine. During the reign of Emperor Claudius II in third century Rome, Valentine disobeyed the emperor. Claudius had decided that young single men made good soldiers. Not so good when attached to a love. So, he forbade marriage.
But Valentine persisted in marrying young couples in love. And according to tradition, he paid the price of disobeying with his life.
There are other twists and turns to the history of Valentine's day. But the fact remains that the day is in honor of St. Valentine.
Which is the point I think we miss. He stood for marriage. Not just romance. Marriage. He didn't condone love. He supported marriage. He married those in love. It was not him trying to get people to fall in love. He was marrying those in love.
Why does that matter?
Because of how we have elevated the feeling of being "in love." Otherwise known as infatuation. An unsustainable rush of excitement and adrenaline that acts like obsession and addiction. But has somehow become the yardstick of a successful marriage.
Is it great when those emotions resurface throughout a marriage? Absolutely.
But when they become the yardstick... trouble.
Listen to the podcast for more.
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I often get emails and phone calls asking, "Why isn't my marriage turning around? Why aren't things improving?"
My first assessment is to see how long they have been trying. (I heard from a guy that told me he had spent the afternoon on the marriage, and it was no different!) Sometimes, the timeframe is too short. But sometimes, the efforts have gone along for awhile.
Next, I ask how long the crisis has been going on. Generally, it has been going on longer than the person thinks. They just didn't know it was in trouble.
After that, the primary reasons why a marriage hasn't turned (yet) fit within 5 categories.
Your strategy changes, depending upon which category your marriage (or more accurately, your spouse's response) fits into.
If you can identify the category, you can choose your response for that particular category.
Let's go through the categories in this episode of the podcast and see if we can plot a course that turns things around.
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"But I haven't change!," he told me. His wife said he had. He claimed he hadn't.
"Too bad," I said, "you need to change! If you haven't, you are already in trouble."
He wanted to be the same ol' guy she married. But he wasn't. And if he was, that would not be a good thing.
Tony Robbins reminds us (I introduced this in my Thriveology Podcast earlier) that we have that certainty as a core human need. My friend was proclaiming his "certainty," his predictability, in his NOT changing.
But the matching drive is for variety -- of needing something different and novel.
We have BOTH needs. As I noted in that other podcast, it's not about living in the middle, with neither variety nor sameness. It is about balancing variety and certainty. Of having places that are predictable and places that are novel in your life.
Marriages can get into trouble when people don't recognize the need for BOTH, and are threatened by the opposite of what they are wanting at that given point.
Two people are unlikely to always be in synch with need variety and needing certainty. If one is looking for some certainty (sameness, predictability) and the other is looking for some variety (excitement, fresh, new), they can find themselves in a struggle. They will misunderstand and frustrate each other.
Which is the point of this podcast episode. Tune in below.
Many of my podcasts come from questions from listeners (if you have an idea for a podcast, email me here). And that is absolutely true this week. In fact, it is from an email I received.
The question was fair. So, I decided to respond for everyone to hear.
Here is the basic question: "Is your System really just about being the 'nice guy'? If so, doesn't that mean you get disrespected?" (I will read the email, minus identifying info, in the episode.)
So, yes, I do think being a nice person is a good start. But no, that is not the real point of my System. Being civil is a building block, a starting point.
Being a jerk is rarely a good start on rebuilding.
But the nice, that is just about being civil. Not a "push-over." In fact, I believe having boundaries and setting them is critical. But so is having a high standard for yourself.
My whole System? Nope.
A good starting point? Absolutely. It always is.
But not if you just allow yourself to be walked on.
Listen to this episode for more details and explanation.
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I sometimes check to see what people might search on my website. It helps me to understand what difficulties people are having. And often, it helps me decide on podcast topics.
One phrase appears repeatedly in searches: "Can I convince my spouse to stay?" or "How can I convince my spouse to save our marriage?"
So, in this episode of my podcast, I answer that very question.
If you want the simple answer, here it is: "No."
But there is a follow-up: "At least, not directly."
If you want a bit more detail, please listen to the podcast for further details. I cover WHY you can't convince a spouse, HOW that might be more damaging if you try, and WHAT to do instead (5 core things you need to be doing).
So, if you have been wondering how/if you can convince a spouse to save your marriage, let's discuss it on this week's podcast!
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Any intimate relationship is going to lead to some hurts along the way. It's just impossible to be that close to someone and not bump into each other (and each other's emotions) every now and then.
The question is what you do when the hurt hangs around. It lingers and lurks, eating away at the connection -- unless it is released.
Which is where apologies and forgiving come in.
Each serves a purpose to clear the air.
But to be clear, they aren't necessarily linked. You might apologize and not be forgiven. You might forgive even without an apology. Each comes from your choice.
Let's talk about what's behind each: the elements of an apology and the decision to forgive.
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