How To Talk To Kids About Anything: Recent Episodes
Dr. Robyn Silverman
The post How to Talk to Kids about Childhood Illness with Dr. Jen Pratt appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Childhood Illness with Dr. Jen Pratt – ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Free Speech with Dr. Chloe Carmichael appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
This podcast episode provides important lessons antibias and antiracist practices as well as how to address some uncomfortable conversations with kids, in the moment, when biased things are said.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Antibias and Antiracist Practices with Liz Kleinrock – ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Teens About Sleep, Pressure, Vaping, and Being Heard with Jessica Lahey appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Bigger Kids about Bigger Feelings with Alyssa Blask Campbell – ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Break the Boy Code So We Can Raise Resilient Boys with Dr. Katie Hurley appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Grief & Our Connection to Our Loved Ones with Jenny Robinson Clark appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
This podcast will focus on the range of different types of families there are—especially families that were built through adoption and families that are headed up by two-dads or two-moms or a range of others who love them (grandparents, single parents). What makes a family? It’s about process not structure—it’s who loves and takes care of you, not their gender or biology! Thank you to Professor Abbie Goldberg, recognized scholar, speaker and author, for all her amazing eye-opening information.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Diverse Family Structures with Abbie Goldberg, Ph.D – ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How a Former Navy SEAL Can Help You Raise Confident, Brave, Joyful Kids with Brandon Webb appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest Expert: Mary DeMocker I remember, as a child, learning that you turn off the faucet while brushing your teeth. You close the refrigerator quickly and turn off the lights when you leave the room—little things- and they needed to be taught because otherwise, I admit, I hadn’t thought much about leaving the tap on, standing in front of the open fridge for minutes figuring out what I wanted to eat or leaving on the lights in every conceivable room. I’ve needed to teach it to my kids too- but of course, they sometimes forget. Sometimes protecting the Earth isn’t the first thought that comes to mind when you’re standing in the shower, letting the hot water fall on your head and back. For some, climate change might feel distant- like something happening elsewhere but not right here at home. Although this seems to be changing a bit- many families, all over the world have found that climate change has begun to touch their lives. Deadlier wild fires, increasingly crazy weather, additional information of melting ice caps on the nightly news- information coming to us through news anchors as well as out of the mouths of younger and younger activists that are demanding awareness and action. My own children have quoted information from Weird But True books and nature documentaries about what’s going on with the polar bears and tropical forests. The truth is, we are all feeling the effects and we are all contributing to the effects of climate change-- AND we are also able to help solve the problem. Of course, this means we must have the discussions that can bring about the change. It starts with opening our mouths and our hearts so that we can lay it all on the table. How do we give our children the facts about climate change- from discussions of fossil fuels to fluctuating animal habitats to sustainable and destructive energy sources so that they are in the know? And how can we, as families, alter how we live our lives, in small consistent ways, that will help create a healthier future for our loved ones? We need a climate revolution—and it starts at home, with us.
Our special guest today is Mary Democker. Mary DeMocker’s book, The Parents’ Guide to Climate Revolution: 100 Ways to Build a Fossil-Free Future, Raise Empowered Kids, and Still Get a Good Night’s Sleep is a finalist for the 2019 Oregon Book Award and has been featured on Yale Climate Connections and recommended on NPR and in The New York Times. Mary writes and speaks widely about parenting in a changing climate, helping parents, educators, clinicians, and young people find a positive role in the global transition to a clean energy future. She lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband and sometimes her son, a freshman in college. His sister older graduated from college last year and is a teacher.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Climate Change and the Environment with Mary DeMocker – ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Teach and Learn Friendship Skills as a Neurodivergent Parent with Caroline Maguire appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Debbie Reber
Debbie Reber is a New York Times bestselling author and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a website, top podcast, and social media company for parents who are raising differently wired children. Her next book, Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World, comes out in June 2018. She currently lives with her son and husband in the Netherlands. Check her out at http://www.tiltparenting.com
The post How to Talk to Differently-Wired Children about their Strengths and Diagnoses with Debbie Reber- Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Use Peaceful Discipline to Positively Impact Parenting with Sarah Moore appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
As we discuss conversations on this podcast— key conversations we must have with our children about tough topics— sex, death, divorce, porn, failure, ADHD, bullying— discussions where emotions can run high, agendas can cloud openness and listening and true presence— fear can make us shy away from saying what truly needs to be said, or heard or understood. What if there was a step that we needed to take before we had these all important conversations— a step that acknowledged the importance of dignity for each person— to hold another person’s dignity as precious and valuable while also knowing that our own would be kept in tact as well. How might that affect these key conversations we have with our partners, with our children, with teachers, instructors, coaches— people who touch our lives and help to shape how they evolve. And what if we focused on dignity as a fundamental part of raising our children to become leaders— showing and discussing how we can lead with dignity and create a culture that brings out the best in people? For these questions and more, we turn to our distinguished guest, Dr. Donna Hicks.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Dignity with Dr. Donna Hicks – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk about Why Mattering Matters with Jennifer Wallace appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
You’ve probably noticed it—whether or not your child is an athlete. You’ve heard the stories. Athletes burning the candle at both ends, playing multiple sports at high levels, trying to balance school and sports for hours each day while sacrificing sleep, eating well, and blowing off stress in productive ways. Parents, with their hearts in the right places, pushing their kids to edge up—work harder, get in front of the right people, get more practice, get the right positions, get more playing time—only to burn their children out, blow their bodies out, obliterate their interest in the very activities they once loved. But how could they now try? Their kid is so talented- they seem to adore it—it’s not work, it’s fun…until it’s not. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Let’s discuss it today with Kirsten Jones.
The post How to Raise Empowered Athletes and Resilient Kids with Kirsten Jones- Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk about 8 Keys to Parenting Kids with ADHD with Cindy Goldrich appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Childhood is supposed to be filled with good times and laughs—but of course, some children may experience a significant loss during their childhood or adolescence. It’s actually more common than you might think. According to the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, as of 2021, one in 14 American children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before the age of 18. Still, it’s not easy to talk about grief with adults, let alone kids—but as the key adults in our children’s lives, we need to be able to step in and navigate ethe thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing as they cope with their loss. They likely will have many questions when a grandparents, parent, sibling or other close family member or friend dies. They might wonder if they are at fault, if they are safe and who will make their grilled cheese sandwich and take them to soccer if the person who passed away was the one who did those things for them. When we shut down, don’t talk about grief and death with kids or make the mistake of assuming if they aren’t talking about it, they must be fine, kids can wind up filling in their questions with their own answers based on misunderstandings and incorrect information. We need to help them get the conversation going through a variety of techniques that allows them (and also us!) to manage grief in productive ways. We’ve discussed talking about death and grief with Joe Primo, in the past, and we’ve talked about suicide with Dr. Dan Reidenberg and Dr. Jonathan Singer—and now we will discuss grief through a new lens with Katie Lear who uses child-friendly activities to comfort kids and help them to overcome sadness, fear and loss.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Managing Childhood Grief with Katie Lear- ReRelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Boys about Tough Topics with Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native. She’s also super cool and actually has an article out about some things to consider if your child wants to be a youtube star in the Washington Post—and we’re going to dig right and flesh out the information so we know how to have this discussion about fame, social media and what to look out for if your child brings the idea of putting videos up on social media to your attention—best to be prepared, right?
The post How to Talk to Kids about Being a Social Media Star with Devorah Heitner – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Use Play to Calm Big Emotions and Build Resilience with Georgie Wisen-Vincent appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
This podcast will focus on trauma recovery so that our children can find their homes and focus on hope and healing. Whether it’s bullying, racism, sexism or some other kind of oppression, trauma is real and we need to help kids to process the feelings that go along with it and take action.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Trauma Recovery with Dr. Thema Bryant – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk about Parenting a Neurodivergent Child with Nefertiti Austin appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
This podcast will focus on how to raise kids who don’t act like jerks—who aren’t racist, sexist, rude bullies and instead show up in this world as empathetic, kind good people. Melinda Wenner Moyer, who writes for Scientific American and The New York Times, offers her insights from assessing thousands of research studies on kids on this latest episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
The post How to Raise Kids Who Don’t Act Like Jerks with Melinda Wenner Moyer – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Parent after Trauma with Dr. Robyn Koslowitz appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
This podcast will focus on talking to kids about navigating the digital world. How do we help them to shape their digital reputation? Use apps? Understand how to cope with cyberbullying, sexting or exposure to possible predators? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Diana Graber for a second time.
The post How to Help Kids Build Healthy Technology Habits with Diana Graber – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Teen Girls about Friendship, Fitness & Pressure to Succeed with Rosalind Wiseman appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Cooper Lawrence, PhD - This podcast is about celebrities and the impact they have on our children through social media, movies, TV shows and more. How do celebrities get such a hold on people? Why does what they do and say influence what our children do, say and believe? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Cooper Lawrence to understand celebrity culture and how we can help our kids understand it’s profound influence on those who follow particular famous stars.
Special Guest: Destini Ann Davis isn't a parenting expert, she’s a working mom and a certified parenting coach who has learned it all simply by doing and listening, and reading every book along the way. She advocates for peaceful parenting and positive discipline techniques that encourage both the parent and child to connect and communicate. Her positive energy and upbeat approach to parenting has resulted in her TikTok channel growing to over 900K followers in just a few short months- (last time I checked it was at a million and a half). Her approach to parenting isn’t clinical; it’s real life and focused on helping her followers become more peaceful and positive people so they can raise more peaceful and positive kids.
The post How to Talk to Girls about Knowing, Standing Up for, and Taking Care of Themselves with Kate Rope appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
We’ve all heard the labels. Strong-willed, spirited, explosive, and highly sensitive. As parents of kids who have been marked as “difficult” we need an alternative road map to guide us where conventional parenting tools have failed. We need a way to calm the chaos. My next guest explains that there are five steps to calming the chaos, each step bringing us closer to family success even as emotions run high so that we can build a safe haven in our homes that support healthy kids.
The post How to Calm the Chaos in Dysregulated Kids So They Can Thrive with Dayna Abraham – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Wendy Sue Swanson Bridging the digital divide between doctors and patients, Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, Chief of Digital Innovation at Seattle Children’s Hospital has blazed a trail of patient education using her voice through a variety of different channels in traditional and social media. Through her blog, podcast , social media channels and her parenting book she translates science and parenting information to the public. Swanson also regularly partners with reporters in traditional print, online, and television media and makes weekly TV appearances in Seattle with NBC affiliate, KING5 News. She hopes to transform the paternalistic approach to messaging into an empowered, patient-centered one where peers learn from each other and from expert advice online. Check her out at http://seattlemamadoc.seattlechildrens.org/
The post How to Talk to Kids about Food Allergies with Wendy Sue Swanson – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about a Parent’s Illness with Paula Schneider appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Dr. Ross Flowers Ross Flowers, Ph.D. is an experienced sport and performance psychologist, executive coach, author and speaker. He is the director of sports performance psychology for the LA Clippers. As a partner in Giles Consulting Group he has worked as a leadership development coach for the Center for Creative Leadership, international sport psychologist, psychologist in the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation, and sport psychology instructor. Ross is the author of Introducing Your Child to Sports: An Expert’s Answers to Parents’ Questions about Raising a Healthy, Balanced, Happy Athlete.
Ross served as a senior sport psychologist for the United States Olympic Committee, and was a member of many USA World Cup, World Championship and Olympic teams for summer and winter sports. Ross founded and directed the Applied Sport Psychology Program at the University of California, Davis. You can look him up right here: http://gilesllc.com/
The post How to Talk to Kids about Sports with Dr. Ross Flowers – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about the Strengths in Kids with ADHD with Penn and Kim Holderness appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: KJ Dell'Antonia Five years of editing the Motherlode column for the New York Times taught KJ Dell’Antonia this: family can be a source of joy, not stress. Her reporting and research on parental happiness led to her new forthcoming book, “How to Be a Happier Parent,” available in August, 2018. She writes regularly on the personal and policy aspects of parenthood for the New York Times and other publications, and sends out a weekly tiny letter on being a happier parent (even when she’s not)— http://tinyurl.com/followkj which is in the shownotes of this podcast. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband, four children and assorted horses, chickens, dogs and cats.
The post How to Be a Happier Parent with KJ Dell’Antonia – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Transform Toddlerhood: Turning Chaos into Connection with Devon Kuntzman appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Andrea Owen Life coach. Author and Self described Hellraiser. Andrea Owen is passionate about empowering women to value themselves and fiercely love who they are. She helps high-achieving women let go of perfectionism, control, and isolation—urging them to choose courage and confidence instead. Her new book is called How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits that Are Holding You Back from Happiness. You can learn more about Andrea and her new book in the show notes to this podcast or on www.yourkickasslife.com.
The post How to Deal with the Inner Critic & To Stop Feeling Like Sh*t with Andrea Owen – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Surviving and Thriving with Autism with Leland Vittert appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Rachel Simmons Rachel Simmons is a bestselling author, educator and consultant helping girls and women be more authentic, assertive and resilient. Her latest release, Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy and Fulfilling Lives, due out today from HarperCollins. Her previous work includes the New York Times bestsellers Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl. As an educator, Rachel teaches girls and women the skills they need to build their resilience, amplify their voices, and own their courage so that they—and their relationships—live with integrity and health.
The post How to Talk to Girls About Being Enough as They are with Rachel Simmons appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Bigger Kids about Bigger Feelings with Alyssa Blask Campbell appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Sue Atkins Each one of us, as a parent, teacher, coach or mentor wants to help raise and inspire kids who are happy, well-adjusted, confident and resilient. But, in today’s world, it’s not always easy! The messages we receive as parents and educators can get confusing and don’t always know the right thing to do. We hear; “make sure to encourage your child—but don’t give too much praise or it will backfire!” “Let your child fail—but balance it with pointing out strengths and successes—and for goodness sake don’t tie in achievement with self esteem!” “Give your child responsibilities—but don’t forget to allow them to have free time and play too!” So much to balance. So much to remember. And still, of course, we all have our bad days when we throw up our hands and wonder if we are getting any of it right. Who hasn’t been there? So to discuss and tease through how we can raise happy, confident, resilient kids- we have Sue Atkins on the show today
The post How to Raise Happy, Confident, Resilient Kids with Sue Atkins – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids About Homework Struggles Without the Nightly Battles with Phyllis Fagell appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Carrie Goldman
Carrie Goldman has written for everything from The New York Times, CNN, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and more. She has made appearances on NPR, BBC, MSNBC, CNN, along with countless other media outlets. Carrie writes one of the nation’s premier adoption blogs, Portrait of an Adoption, which has followers in more than 45 countries. Her acclaimed children’s chapter book, Jazzy’s Quest: Adopted and Amazing, came out in June of 2015, and the sequel, Jazzy’s Quest: What Matters Most, came out in November of 2016. In addition to her adoption expertise, she is also the award-winning author of Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (Harper Collins) which we discussed in a previous podcast episode. Bullied has received a National Parenting Publication Award and a Mom’s Choice Award, both at the gold medal level, for excellence in educational skills and tools. You can find more out about our fabulous guest, Carrie Goldman at CarrieGoldmanAuthor.com
The post How to Talk to Kids about Adoption with Carrie Goldman – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Help Kids Thrive Amid Back-to-School Stress with Dr. Michele Borba appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Devorah Heitner
Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Tech Milestones & Digital Readiness with Devorah Heitner – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Bodies, Boundaries and Choices with Dena Moes appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Jill Castle
Jill Castle is a registered dietitian/nutritionist and a specialist in pediatric nutrition. She currently works as a private practitioner, online educator, consultant, and speaker. She is the author of Eat Like a Champion: Performance Nutrition for Your Young Athlete and co-author of Fearless Feeding: How to Raise Healthy Eaters from High Chair to High School. She’s also the creator of The Nourished Child, a childhood nutrition blog and podcast, and The Kids Healthy Weight Project, an online course for parents. Jill is a national and international speaker, focused on topics including childhood nutrition, feeding, picky eating, youth sports nutrition, and childhood obesity. Jill is regularly quoted in popular print and online publications as a leading childhood nutrition expert and is a regular contributor to US News & World Report, USA Swimming and Bundoo.com. You can find out all about Jill Castle at JillCastle.com
The post How to Talk to Kids about Picky Eating & Good Nutrition with Jill Castle – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Argue Less, Talk More, & Communicate Better with Jefferson Fisher appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Sage B. Hobbs
Sage Hobbs is a women’s empowerment coach, speaker, and author of the book, Naked Communication. She’s known for her bold, insightful, and dynamic approach to communication, relationships, and personal growth. Sage works in both individual and group settings to create experiences of courage, self-expression, and freedom. Sage supports her clients to unleash their voice, take action, and transform their status quo when they feel stuck, dissatisfied, or stagnant. Prior to creating her current work, Sage received her Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology and spent a decade working with teens and families to navigate the wild path of growing up. She’s also a mom of two, a cancer survivor, a proud teacher’s wife, a “retired” school counselor, a world traveler, a living room dance party aficionado, and a book lover.
The post How to Communicate Openly and Honestly with your Kids with Sage Hobbs – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Heal Our Family Out of a State of Stable Misery appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special guest: Dawn Heubner, Ph.D
We all want our children to feel safe, secure and engaged in their lives. But when big, bad things happen in the world- from mass shootings to natural disasters to other tragedies detailed on the news and filtered through the adults at the restaurant, the neighbors on the street, the kids on the bus and friends at school- the world can feel a little less safe and secure for many of our children. How can we reserve our kids feelings of optimism, safety, security, strength and that inexplicable feeling that comes with a carefree childhood when scary things happen across the world, across the state or across the street? For this important topic, we turn a second time to past podcast guest, Dr. Dawn Huebner who you’ll remember from our discussion about worry and anxiety and how to help our kids when they worry too much—a great and helpful podcast episode that I urge you to listen to after this one.
Dr. Dawn Huebner is a Clinical Psychologist and Parent Coach specializing in the treatment of anxiety. She is the author of 9 books for children including the perennial best seller, What to Do When You Worry Too Much, and more recent, Outsmarting Worry. Dr. Huebner's newest book, coming out THIS WEEK called Something Bad Happened, provides support for children learning about big bad things happening the world. Dr. Huebner has been featured on news and information outlets including the TODAY Show, CNN, Parent's Magazine and more. She maintains a private practice in Exeter, NH.
The post How to Talk to Kids When Something Bad Happens in the World with Dawn Huebner, PhD – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Reconnect with Kids in a Disconnected World with Dr. Jody Carrington appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: George Couros
George Couros is a leading educator in the area of innovative leadership, teaching, and learning. He has worked with all levels of school, from K-12 as a teacher, technology facilitator, and school and district administrator, and is the author of the book, The Innovator’s Mindset; Empower Learning, Unleash Talent, and Lead a Culture of Creativity. He is a sought after speaker on the topic of innovative student learning and engagement and has worked with schools and organizations around the globe. George is also the creator of Connected Principals.com, an initiative that brings educators and leaders together from around the world to create powerful learning opportunities for students. Although George is a leader in the area of innovation, his focus is always on the development of leadership and people and what is best for learners. His belief is that meaningful change happens when you first connect to people’s hearts. You can connect with George on his blog, The Principal of Change (georgecouros.ca) or through Twitter @gcouros.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Innovation & Creativity with George Couros – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk about Love, Trauma, Fostering, and Family with Peter Mutabazi appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Marty Matika
This podcast will focus on how to help kids cope with the impact of divorce. Marty Matika goes over the warning signs that might tell you that your kids are suffering during divorce (but not telling you about it), the top mistakes parents make while going through a divorce, and what kids really wish their parents knew while their family was going through a divorce. As a child who went through divorce as well as a therapist/coach who helps kids and families who are going through divorce, Marty Matika has personal insights that can help parents who are experiencing divorce right now.
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The post How to Use Lighthouse Parenting to Prepare Your Child for Adulthood with Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Annie Fox
Annie Fox is an Award winning writer, app developer and Educator Focusing on Social-Emotional learning and character development. Annie aims to teach kids to be good people because we need more good people. We are all villagers, so it's up to us. Some of her books include: Teaching Kids to Be Good People, Too Stressed to Think?, the Middle School Confidential book and app series, and the Raymond and Sheila picture books series. Annie’s latest book, The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship, offers 8-12 year old girls (and their parents/teachers) 50 ways to fix a friendship without the DRAMA. And that topic, talking to girls about friendship, is what lands her on the show today and we couldn’t be more excited.
Girls and friendship. For some, this topic makes them smile and think of the most endearing, close, meaningful relationships of their lives. For others, it makes them sweat and feel a little sick. Maybe it’s a little bit of both!
The post How to Talk to Girls about Drama-Free Friendships with Annie Fox – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk about Parenting a Child on the Spectrum with Kate Swenson, Adrian Wood, and Carrie Cariello appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Dr. Sue Cornbluth
This podcast provides tips, scripts, stories and steps to help parents and educators understand the unique challenges of children who feel different, cast aside or devalued because of experiences in their childhood. Sue Cornbluth talks about children who were in the foster care system or who were adopted and how many of these children can have challenged self esteem due to unanswered questions about their identity or internalized frustrations about their life circumstances. How can we help kids who are being fostered or who have been adopted (perhaps later in life), cultivate the high self esteem and self worth they deserve?
The post How to Build Self Esteem in Kids who were Adopted or Fostered with Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids About Impostor Syndrome with Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Beth Kobliner
Do you want to make your kid a money genius (even if you’re not)? Well then you are in luck today! We live in a time when stakes are high—many parents worry that their kids will NOT be more financially successful than they were- which is a big change from previous generations that always seemed to believe that the next generation would be better off than they were. Given that we hear about lots of kids who often wind up with high student loans, low paying jobs and not enough money to go out on their own after college, is there something we can do NOW to help our kids ore knowledgeable about how to best handle money? Turns out, yes there is. And there is work to be done-- many kids and young adults don’t know what they need to know about how to save, spend, invest and ultimately use money in responsible ways. We’ve talked about money with in a past episode with money expert, Neale Godfrey, and today we are going to get into some different money questions that help us, age by age, know what to do to help our kids become money geniuses, what mistakes to avoid and how we talk to kids about all if this- and we have the privilege to have money genius herself, Beth Kobliner on the show!
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The post How to Talk to Kids about Creating Value in Their Lives with Lee Benson appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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The post How to Talk about Raising a Self-Driven Child with William Stixrud, Ph.D and Ned Johnson appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
What is to come for a child who is told he is garbage? Worthless? Beaten to the ground? I have often said that children who have the love, kindness and acceptance of an adult—or several adults—can be the difference. As you might remember me saying, Search Institute found that many young people don’t feel that they have at least 3 key adults to turn to in a time of need and challenge. Our next guest had a very hard start to his life—abused by his father and watching his mother and siblings meet that same fate. He survived the streets of Kampala Uganda and, due to the potential that someone saw in him- wound up going to school and altering his life for the better in every possible way. My next guest will help us to understand how to talk to kids about acceptance and true self-worth. He has a remarkable story.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Beating the Odds, Acceptance & True Self Worth with Peter Mutabazi – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Anxiety and OCD with Jennifer Weaver, LCSW appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Celeste Headlee
Celeste Headlee is the host of "On Second Thought" at Georgia Public Broadcasting in Atlanta and has been a host and correspondent for NPR and PRI since 2006. She is the author of the book, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter (Harper Wave, September 19), a practical guide to the lost art of conversation. Celeste’s TEDx Talk sharing 10 ways to have a better conversation was listed as one of the most watched TED Talks in 2016 (CNBC) and named the #1 must-watch TED Talk by Glassdoor (with over 11 million total views to date.)
Being able to have productive conversations is a skill—and it’s a skill, built on a series of other skills from being assertive to listening to ensuring that we were heard correctly and yes, that we have heard and understood correctly what others are saying. These days, with so much communication relying on electronic screens and emojis, the art of conversation may be at risk. And that’s a scary thought. To put ourselves in the frame of mind of taking in the importance of good conversation skills, just think of what happens when poor communication happens—people get the wrong idea, mistakes are made, feelings are hurt and stuff does not get done in the right way. And when conversation is clear and strong and good- progress is made, we feel understood and connected- truly, it can make all the difference.
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Special Guest: Amy Morin
Amy Morin a psychotherapist and the international bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Her forthcoming book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, goes on sale September 19. Amy also teaches at Northeastern University and she’s a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Verywell, and Psychology Today. Her advice has been featured by numerous media outlets including Oprah.com, Parents, Business Insider, Success Magazine, and Fox News and she stars in a RedBull TV show called Visions of Greatness.
Mentally strong people have good habits, make informed choices and persevere even when the going gets tough. But what habits have mentally strong people dropped to make room for personal growth and meaningful gain? Many people have told Amy Morin, who authored the blockbuster “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” (which you can hear about here LINK), that they wished they had learned these 13 things to avoid earlier in life—and how, as parents, could they be a better example to their kids? How could they actively instill positive habits (and avoid instilling negative habits) in their children that could compromise their mental strength? This podcast has the answers.
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Special Guest: Rosalind Wiseman
This podcast provides:
Information on boyworld vs girlworld: The cultural messages and the challenges that girls vs boys are coping with in today’s society
A step-by-step plan of what to do when your child is involved with a mistake, problem or bullying issue with another child. “Just because it’s common, doesn’t make it right.”
A step-by-step plan of how to approach the other parent if your child is on the receiving end of bullying or social aggression
The difference between bullying, drama and conflict
The script for how to talk to kids about dignity, respect, conflict and relationships
The post How to Talk to Kids about Boyworld, Girlworld, Bullying & Cultures of Dignity with Rosalind Wiseman – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
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This podcast will focus on self-injury and how to help young people who are self-harming to find healthier ways to cope with stress, pain and big emotions. Those who are self-injuring are not attempting to die by suicide but rather aiming to find a way to feel better. Those who self-injure need help and Dr. Janis Whitlock provides the information we need to best support and understand those who are self-injuring.
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The post How to Talk about Parenting Yourself First with Bryana Kappadakunnel appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Christina McGhee
This podcast provides:
Tips: How to prepare to tell the kids about divorce and what to know, when best to say it and what to do if you are going to do so. The dos and don’ts of talking to kids about divorce.
Scripts: What to say, step by step, when you need to tell your kids about a divorce in the family.
Steps: The steps to take before you talk to your kids about getting a divorce.
Barriers to success: Putting the kids in the middle, our own feelings about the experience, our assumption that our kids are “fine” and already know and understand.
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Irla
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Special Guest: Anne Moss Rogers
This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about depression, substance abuse and suicide from the perspective of a mother whose child died by suicide in 2015. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 24, only behind unintentional injury, in the United States. Much of suicide has a correlation with depression and substance abuse—and while there is an epidemic of teen depression and suicide, only 45% of teen girls and 33% of teen boys who has experienced an episode of depression got treatment in 2019. It’s time to get talking. In fact, it’s talking and listening that can be the very thing that can prevent suicides from happening. We discuss the implications with Anne Moss Rogers, the author of Diary of a Broken Mind on this episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
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Special Guest: Dr. Michele Borba More than one out of every five students report being bullied, according to the National Center for Educational Statistics (2016). One third of students who reported being bullied at school indicate that they were bullied at least once or twice a month during the school year. The reason for this bullying? Physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, and sexual orientation, just to name the top few. There is no doubt that we have a problem and our schools, parents and children need solutions. So what do we do? And is there a way to stop bullying before it starts? We’ve talked with a few experts on social aggression in the history of How to Talk to Kids about Anything- Rosalind Wiseman, Carrie Goldman and most recently, Katie Hurley who looked at social aggression specifically in girls. Today, we are going to focus on preventative solutions to this pervasive issue- namely, what my guest and good friend, Michele Borba, is calling the 6Rs of bully prevention.
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Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, speaker, and fellow at the Institute for Social Innovation at Fielding Graduate University where she studies how young people become caring family members, innovative workers, ethical leaders, and engaged citizens in an increasingly complex society. She is founder of Roots of Action, a website that shares research-based resources on positive youth development with parents, schools, and communities – with an audience of over half-million readers each year. She is the author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation and a contributing writer at Psychology Today and Edutopia.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Positive Internal Strengths with Dr. Marilyn Price Mitchell – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
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Dannielle Miller is a best-selling Author, Teen Educator and Media Commentator In 2003 she founded Australia’s leading provider of in-school workshops for teen girls, Enlighten Education. More recently, she launched a program for boys, Goodfellas. She has written for several online and print publications and has a bi-weekly column in Australia’s most read newspaper, The Daily Telegraph. She has written five books for parents and teen girls, including a best-selling title on raising happy, confident teen girls, The Butterfly Effect. Dannielle is a popular speaker at youth and education conferences and forums internationally.
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Parenting these days can be very reactionary. We have lots of pressure and little time and often many feelings of not being enough, constantly striving, competing with others and overall disconnection. We have big reactions or, perhaps we might say, our big reactions have us. But what if we practiced more aware parenting? What if we become more in touch with our own senses, our mental state, our bodies and our relationship to ourselves and to others and how our awareness could affect our parenting and our lives? When we become aware and reflective of our reactions and what is indeed feeding these reactions, we can become more receptive, calm, balanced, compassionate and positive in the way we parent our kids and more balanced in our own wellbeing. And imagine what we can teach our kids—by showing awareness and practicing awareness, we can then teach them to the do the same in their own lives. Is there a way to cultivate this awareness? Is there a way to teach our kids to practice awareness as children and teenagers? For these questions and more, we turn to our guest today, Dr. Dan Siegel.
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This podcast episode delves into the evolving concepts of gender and identity, particularly as they relate to the experiences of children in the now-generation. Lisa Selin Davis joins Dr. Robyn Silverman to explore the meaning of being a tomboy in today’s world. Together, they examine how children’s understanding of gender is shaped, discussing the traditional […]
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Middle School is a time of incredible growth—kids change a great deal while learning and practicing vital social skills that they will use throughout their lives—how to get along with others, talk about tough topics, compromise, still to your values, be an ally, show up as a good friend and so much more. How do we help open up these topics to kids so that they know what to say when they find themselves in sticky situations? For that, we turn to Catherine Newman.
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This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about the financial skills they need to manage money throughout their lifetime. From saving, spending wisely, giving and investing, this podcast gives you the talking points! Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews financial advisor and best-selling author of Stress-Free Money and Smart, Not Spoiled, Chad Willardson.
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This podcast will focus on the art and skill of talking to kids. How do we engage in conversations that spark curiosity, foster empathy and encourage kids to embrace challenges? Let’s move discussions from surface to substantial. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Rebecca Rolland on How to Talk to Kids about Anything today.
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This podcast will focus on how to talk to girls about body image, body acceptance and body resilience. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Drs. Lindsay Kite and Lexie Kite, sisters and co-directors of Beauty Redefined about this important topic, helping girls learn that their bodies are instruments, not ornaments.
The post How to Talk to Girls about Body Image and Body Resilience with Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite – Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
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This podcast will focus on talking to kids about navigating the digital world. How do we help them to shape their digital reputation? Use apps? Understand how to cope with cyberbullying, sexting or exposure to possible predators? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Diana Graber for a second time.
The post How to Help Kids Build Healthy Technology Habits with Diana Graber Rerelease appeared first on Dr Robyn Silverman.
Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. And she has a new workbook out called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook that you are sure to love. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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Well folks, we are in a digital age where we track our children’s every move through apps—access their grades within minutes of the teachers posting them, send photos at a push of a button before we’ve even considered whether or not we should share or have consent to share—yikes. I was interviewed on Good Morning America about this topic because of how the number of likes affects how a tween and teen feel about their worthiness! This can lead to the creation of an online persona that teens create to attract likes even if the persona doesn’t represent who the child is at the core— how can our kids cope with zero privacy and constant judgment? Let’s bring in my friend and friend of the show, Devorah Heitner.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Growing up in Public with Dr. Devorah Heitner appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
We’re probably all felt it—this ever-more competitive race that today’s students run each day towards the best possible future—feeling the crushing pressure to do more, more, more, jamming their schedules full of resume-padding activities, AP classes, tutoring and whatever else that can give them an edge over the rest so that they can get into the right colleges, that gets them on the right path towards the right future. At the same time, we have skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm and more—is it possible to help kids strive towards excellence without having the process crush them while on their way? For this, we are speaking with Jennifer Wallace.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Toxic Achievement Culture with Jennifer Wallace appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Kara Kinney Cartwright – This podcast will focus on teaching boys to recognize the humanness in everyone—to be kind and to NOT be an assh*le. How can we teach our sons to have positive interactions, make good decisions and recognize when they are being jerkfaces? We talk about all of it on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast with guest and author, Kara Kinney Cartwright.
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How can we remain mindful when we are rushing around and doing so much as parents? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews best-selling author, Hunter Clarke Fields, on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast. Hunter’s new book, Raising Good Humans Everyday, is featured.
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Special guest: Katie Hurley
According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, approximately one out of five teens has a mental health disorder, diagnosable by clinical methods, and nearly one-third show symptoms of depression. Now you might be thinking- well, many teens seem depressed to me, their moods and their emotions are all over the place! Stress is overwhelming! Yes, that can be true- symptoms of depression in adolescents aren’t always easy to identify because they often appear as normal adolescent behavior. But if we keep an eye open for consistent depressed behavior and indicators like, fatigue, changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating patterns, social withdrawal, and/or anger- these can serve as early warning signs that can allow us to get help for our teens as depression is absolutely treatable but NOT fixable on its own. Teens who have depression need therapy, support at home and yes, some also need medication. There’s no quick fix and thankfully, we have Katie Hurley here to explain how we know if our child needs help, what we and our teens can do at home to assist and what exercises and tools we can use to improve mood, self-esteem and motivation.
Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of “Girls Can!” empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is the author of The Happy Kid Handbook” “No More Mean Girls,” (both subjects we have interviewed Katie on previously on How to Talk to Kids about Anything) and her new workbook, The Depression Workbook for Teens, which is the #1 new release on Amazon for Teen and Young Adult Self Esteem and Self Reliance Issues. Her work can be found in The Washington Post, PBS Parents, and US News and World Report, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women’s studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between California and Connecticut with her husband and two children.
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Childhood is supposed to be filled with good times and laughs—but of course, some children may experience a significant loss during their childhood or adolescence. It’s actually more common than you might think. According to the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, as of 2021, one in 14 American children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before the age of 18. Still, it’s not easy to talk about grief with adults, let alone kids—but as the key adults in our children’s lives, we need to be able to step in and navigate ethe thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing as they cope with their loss. They likely will have many questions when a grandparents, parent, sibling or other close family member or friend dies. They might wonder if they are at fault, if they are safe and who will make their grilled cheese sandwich and take them to soccer if the person who passed away was the one who did those things for them. When we shut down, don’t talk about grief and death with kids or make the mistake of assuming if they aren’t talking about it, they must be fine, kids can wind up filling in their questions with their own answers based on misunderstandings and incorrect information. We need to help them get the conversation going through a variety of techniques that allows them (and also us!) to manage grief in productive ways. We’ve discussed talking about death and grief with Joe Primo, in the past, and we’ve talked about suicide with Dr. Dan Reidenberg and Dr. Jonathan Singer—and now we will discuss grief through a new lens with Katie Lear who uses child-friendly activities to comfort kids and help them to overcome sadness, fear and loss.
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Imagine getting a knock on your door from someone who could derail your whole life and take away your child. That knock came for my next guest—not because she was abusing or neglecting her child, actually, quite the opposite- it was because she was listening and responding to her child in the most loving way possible. She was allowing her child to live life as the gender she felt she was—a girl. The topic of transgender youth has been contentious, to say the least. From the outside, when the person looking in is cis gender—meaning you were say, born and labeled a girl at birth and, you feel like a girl, it can be hard to imagine that some people don’t feel that alignment. The only way that I feel like we can really explain that is to switch it-- for you to imagine that other people are referring to you, if you are a girl or a woman, as a boy or a man—with pronouns that reflect that, names that reflect that and you keep saying, but that’s not who I am! Some kids know from a very young age that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth. And it’s important to listen to this—because transgender people can have a very high suicide rate- a very high rate of being bullied, attacked, even murdered. Trans women, because they must contend with a profound amount of discrimination, also are at high risk of alcoholism, poverty, homelessness and lack of good healthcare. The solution is not fixing the transgender person but rather, acceptance. Let’s talk about it with my next guest who has personal experience with her own transgender child.
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How to Talk to Kids about Sexual HarassmentThis podcast will focus on how parents, teachers and coaches of children K-12 can start talking more openly about sexual harassment and sexual violence. In order for this kind of behavior to stop, everyone much address the norms and stereotypes that fuel it, so all young people can grow up safe, respected and valued.
In 2006, Tarana Burke coined the phrase “Me Too” as a way to help women who had survived sexual violence feel like they were not alone. A year ago this week, actress Alyssa Milano reignited “me too” with a tweet that stated “If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet.” This was in the wake of accusations against movie mogul Harvey Weinstein and other powerful men in Hollywood. Since then, “me too” has become a movement among women who have been sexually harassed. Since then, a great deal of reports have come out and “metoo” has gained great traction among adults. But what about our teens? How are they experiencing sexual harassment and violence? Believe or not, 7 out of 10 girls experience sexual harassment and alarmingly, 1 in 4 girls will experience sexual assault or abuse before she turns 18. A recently released survey of young girls reveals that 3 out of 4 girls between the ages of 14 and 19 feel unsafe at least once in a while. At the root of this problem are limiting and harmful messages about how girls and boys should behave and be treated—messages that shape these impressionable minds and stick with them as they enter adulthood. As a response, and in honor of the 1 year anniversary of the week, Girls Inc, a nonprofit organization that inspires all girls to be strong, smart and bold through direct service and advocacy, along with its amazing network of girls and partners, are launching the #girlstoo campaign. This campaign will focus on sexual harassment and assault in the lives of youth, particularly girls, with actions aimed at addressing the norms and stereotypes that fuel these behaviors. To discuss how we talk about sexual harassment, assault and violence—and what we can all do ensure that our young people are educated, safe, respected and valued, we have Lara Kaufmann and Dr. Christia Spears Brown on the show today.
Lara S. Kaufmann is Director of Public Policy for Girls Inc.,
where she leads the organization’s work to advance girls’ rights and opportunities and empower girls to advocate for social change. Prior to joining Girls Inc., Ms. Kaufmann was Senior Counsel and Director for Education Policy for At-Risk Students at the National Women’s Law Center, where she engaged in litigation, advocacy, and outreach to improve educational outcomes for at-risk girls and young women. She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and Northwestern University School of Law.
Dr. Christia Spears Brown is a Professor of Developmental and Social Psychology at The University of Kentucky and the Director of the Center for Equality and Social Justice. Her research focuses on children’s experiences with discrimination and the development of gender and ethnic stereotypes. As part of her research, she examines the perpetration and acceptance of sexual harassment among adolescents and the consequences of sexual objectification of girls and toxic masculinity among boys. She also works to translate her work for both public policy and parents. Her book titled, Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, describes research on gender development and offers guidance for parents for reducing the impact of gender stereotypes on their children
The podcast provides:
- How “boys will be boys” can harm girls and boys
- How sexual harassment affects girls
- If sexual harassment is preventable
- How parents and teachers can help girls to be knowledgable and assertive about sexual harassment
- Why girls are often silent about sexual harassment
- What to say to boys and girls about sexual harassment
- How bystanders can be upstanders
- How to #metoo movement can include the #girlstoo component
- What parents and teachers can do right no0w to combat sexual harassment Important Messages:
- Girls receive messages that people are going to objectify them and this is just part of life- that this is what boys do.
- Boys get messages that this is what they are supposed to do and if they don’t, they’ll get teased.
- The Girls Inc survey showed that the number one thing that girls are concerned about is sexual harassment and sexual violence (and this was done a year before the #metoo movement took flight.
- Research tells us that when girls are sexually harassed they are much more likely to be depressed, anxious, have insomnia, stomach aches, headaches, poor body image, poor body image, do worse in school and want to avoid school. They are worse off in every way that we can measure— whether it be physical, psychological, social or academic.
- Hormones and sexual interest is normal in the teen years- we need to teach kids how to show sexual interest in ways that aren’t harming the other person.
- A lot of sexual harassment is about making comments about body parts or rating body parts, asking for sexier naked photos, cat calling to them in the hallways.
- Part of what we need to teach boys is that sexual harassment does damage to girls (even if they don’t realize it). Need to humanize girls to the boys. Need to teach the boys that you are dealing with a whole, real person. Sexual harassment doesn’t show girls that they are whole, real people.
- Boys need to support boys in making good decisions around girls. Other boys need to hold their friends accountable.
- Girls often feel that their reports fall on deaf ears— or that they are being penalized for coming forward.
- For cultural change to happen around sexual harassment, we’ll need more education around it in schools in sex ed— around consent, what is sexual harassment.
- This is not just one conversation. And we need to get comfortable with these conversations. Men need to come to the conversation too.
- Have these conversations from the beginning with your kids. Start early. Point out when a woman is being sexually objectified.
- Girls need to know that sexual harassment isn’t normal and to have a game plan of what to say and do (and who to go to) when it happens is important.
- Research shows that girls with emotionally supportive mothers are much more likely to seek out support after sexual harassment.
- Have a script! If a boy says this to you, what can you say back? It needs to be realistic. In their language.
- Make sure girls know who they can talk to, what to say, how you should respond, and the broader issues of what society is saying about girls. They need to know that there are stereotypes but this is not really what girls are all about.
- Girls are being reprimanded for what they are wearing and how their clothes might be encouraging boys to engage in sexual harassment without giving a thought to the fact that these are the clothes that are being sold to girls!
- The come-back to shut down sexual harassment in action may be different depending on personality. Ask them, what do YOU think would work? These are individual girls that this issue is affecting. We need to be mindful of that.
- It can be very hard to say something in the moment.
- Teach kids to be upstanders— and help others by speaking up.
- Any kind of support-support-seeing can help girls cope.
- From the girls who spoke up when Nassar was abusing them in the gymnastics world to the girls who are speaking up on playgrounds when it’s “Slap-ass Fridays” (when the girls are slapping their bottoms on playgrounds), girls need to be believed and taken seriously when they come forward and speak up.
- Teachers need better tools when this happens.
- We need to talk to boys about what sexual harassment is— and how we talk to girls. Often people think that those who are doing the sexual harassment are these sexual predators that stalk the streets- when it’s often perfectly nice boys who don’t know how to talk interact with girls and who are facing a lot of pressure from other boys to objectify girls and to be sexually assertive. What kind of pressures are you receiving?
- Teaching boys about chivalry can backfire— teach them instead about respecting everyone.
- When we make comments, as parents, about how a girl looks, we may be reinforcing the notion that a girl’s value comes from her looks.
- Boys experience sexual harassment and violence— particularly LGBT boys. We need to shift the culture.
- Start having these conversations— and make sure girls know that if it happens to them, that you will believe them. Then check in with them periodically. (non-threatening way— if you heard about it happen to someone else, or in the news)
- Give agency to girls.
- Make sure that home in a safe place- they aren’t alone- and they can talk about anything.
- Pick out objectifying imaging in print media with girls. Help them to be critical of media messaging. They can be reject what is in the media.
Notable Quotables:
“Even when girls are not the target of the objectification in the moment, they recognize it as part of the culture of middle schools and high schools and until we start to really focus on it, no girl is going to be able to grow up to be her best self.” (Christia Brown)
* “Girls are the best experts of their own experiences.” (Lara Kauffman)
* “Sexual harassment and sexual violence is something that almost all girls are experiencing or are acutely aware of and it has a huge impact on their lives.” (LK)
* “Whether it be physical, psychological, social or academic, the more girls experience sexual harassment, the worse they are doing in all of these facets of their lives.” (CB)
* “We need to teach boys to humanize a girl instead of objectifying her— to see her as a whole person who can be scared or uncomfortable. (LK)
* “Sadly, girls learn early on to keep quiet about sexual harassment.” (LK)
* “Sexual harassment is preventable but it does involve a culture change. Raising awareness that it matters and that it’s not a necessary part of adolescent interactions is the first step.” (CB)
* “We need to treat sexual harassment like we do bullying. Almost all schools have a zero-tolerance bullying policy but almost none talk about sexual harassment, assault or consent.” (CB)
* “Sexual harassment is damaging. Just because sexual harassment is common, doesn’t make it inevitable and it doesn’t mean it’s not harmful.” (CB)
* “We need to help girls recognize that being sexually objectified is actually damaging and they are much more important than their sexual body parts.” (CB)
* “Girls with emotionally supportive mothers are much more likely to seek out support after sexual harassment.” (CB)
* “It’s really important to help girls develop a script for what to say when a boy says this to you— what can you say back?” (CB)
* “Sexual harassment has remained a taboo subject. Parents often wait to talk to their kids about sex until they may be at an age when it might be appropriate for them to be engaging in sexual activity and not before then— and that’s a problem. We need to start at an early age to talk about respect and consent and that all of this is okay to talk about.” (LK)
* “Girls get blamed a lot when sexual harassment happens. People are especially critical of what girls wear and how it might be encouraging boys without even thinking about the fact that these are the clothes being sold to girls in our society.” (LK)
* “It’s hard to make a grand moral statement about injustice in a hallway of a middle school or hard school. It has to be said in the vernacular of the adolescent— not of their parents.” (CB)
* “Part of the key to stopping sexual harassment is teaching kids to be up standers and stand up for one another. In the moment, the victim or target may not feel empowered to speak but someone around her should.” (LK)
* “We need adults to start take girls seriously when they come forward.” (LK)
* “Boys are doing these really damaging behaviors but schools don’t really say that it’s inappropriate to talk to girls like that so it’s hard for us to blame the boys for just dealing with what they’ve been socialized to do.” (CB)
* “As parents, we are socialized too. We may unwittingly reinforce some of these negative messages kids are getting from the media.”
* “Until we get the the point where we are rejecting these stereotypes and being conscious of them and no longer tolerating sexual harassment and violence as we know it, we are still going to see these patterns over and over again. We do think we can create a culture of respect for today’s girls, for generations to come, to create a community where all youth can grow up safe and respected and can learn and thrive and succeed free from sexual harassment and violence.” (LK)*
Sadly, girls learn early on to keep quiet about sexual harassment, says @LaraSKauf of @girls_inc. Want to change the conversation? We talk all about the new #girlstoo movement on the latest #talktokids podcast!
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Resources:
Take the #girlstoo pledge!
girlstoo.girlsinc.org
Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes (Book by Dr. Christia Brown)
The post How to Talk to Kids about Sexual Harassment with Lara Kaufmann & Dr. Christia Spears Brown – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids About Becoming Individuals Without Interference with Julie Lythcott-HaimsWhen I asked my next guest to come back on the show and I wanted to know what she’d like to discuss this time because she has such interesting perspective and a way with words—and she said, she’d like to talk about how “kids don’t thrive when they’re raised like dogs on a leash who have to go a certain way to please their owner (parent).” You see my next guest did this amazing, extremely popular Ted Talk in 2016 entitled “How to Raise Successful Kids- without Over-Parenting” which has just about 7, 500, 000 views now. And in it she talks about how mapping out our children’s every move, check-listing their childhood so that they get into the right colleges and get the right jobs doesn’t actually make a successful, fulfilled person unless success is only moving up a preconceived and narrow ladder that may not actually feel like success for your child. How can we, as parents, drop the rope—or the leash—that is keeping our children from their passions, from their individuality, from their destiny—and how can we talk to our children about embracing who they are, learning who they want to be and willingly taking the steps to forge their own path? For that, we are turning to Julie Lythcott-Haims.
Special Guest: Julie Lythcott-HaimsWhen I asked my next guest to come back on the show and I wanted to know what she’d like to discuss this time because she has such interesting perspective and a way with words—and she said, she’d like to talk about how “kids don’t thrive when they’re raised like dogs on a leash who have to go a certain way to please their owner (parent).” You see my next guest did this amazing, extremely popular Ted Talk in 2016 entitled “How to Raise Successful Kids- without Over-Parenting” which has just about 7, 500, 000 views now. And in it she talks about how mapping out our children’s every move, check-listing their childhood so that they get into the right colleges and get the right jobs doesn’t actually make a successful, fulfilled person unless success is only moving up a preconceived and narrow ladder that may not actually feel like success for your child. How can we, as parents, drop the rope—or the leash—that is keeping our children from their passions, from their individuality, from their destiny—and how can we talk to our children about embracing who they are, learning who they want to be and willingly taking the steps to forge their own path? For that, we are turning to Julie Lythcott-Haims.
Bio
Julie Lythcott-Haims believes in humans and is deeply interested in what gets in our way. Her work encompasses writing, speaking, public service, and activism. She is a New York Times bestselling author of books on human development, a TED speaker, a former Stanford dean, and a lawyer, and she holds a BA from Stanford University, a JD from Harvard Law, and an MFA from California College of the Arts. She serves on numerous nonprofit boards whose work focuses on equity, education, youth, wellness, or the arts. Julie lives in Palo Alto, California with her partner of over thirty years, their itinerant young adults, and her mother. She is a member of the Palo Alto City Council. Her latest book is a follow up to How to Raise an Adult, which was the topic of our last podcast episode together, and it’s called Your Turn: How to Be an Adult.
Important Messages:
* How can I help you grow stronger and more confident around the notion that this is your life, your one wild and precious life, quoting the late poet Mary Oliver? It is yours, not theirs. It is therefore on you to craft and shape and you are going to screw up. And that’s fine. You’re going to figure yourself out over time. That is what it means to live and I am rooting for you to do it.
* I’m a parent, just like everyone listening, we parents know a lot. We have good instincts, we have hopes and dreams and for our kids, we’re trying to do right by them. I want you to know as I’m about to give this advice that I am a parent who needed this advice. Being a dean, writing a book on the subject. I thought I understood what other people were doing wrong. And then I very humbly came to appreciate, oh, I’m doing it. I’m cutting my 10 year old’s meat. That was when I, oh God, yes, I was that parent, right? That I couldn’t be able to let go of an 18 year old at the college level or whatever he was going to do after high school if I’m cutting the meat of a 10 year old.
* There are so many life skills that have to be taught and learned and perfected, and eight years from 10 to 18 is not enough time. You got to get in the passenger seat and let them drive. Okay? You’re still there for the just in case moment. So they don’t drive off a cliff, but like, it’s their life.
* “My child is on the soccer team” “Not we” are on the soccer team.
* You feel you have to check those data and square them against what your kid has said and you’re constantly checking. That’s a degree of surveillance and anxiety that you’re buying into that is incredibly unhealthy and shows you don’t trust your kid. You don’t believe that they’re getting a good education. You don’t believe that they know how to work hard, that they can improve over time.
* This is micromanaging parenting.
* Neurodiverse kids? Need to create systems so that the parent isn’t being used to check on the homework each day and get the kid to do his or her homework. May need a different school all together.
* So let me just highlight that. Are we the problem? In addition, can we convey to our kids that their individualism, their experimentation, their lack of perfectly fitting into some preconceived box society or family has sculpted for them is okay with us and in what’s supposed to happen as opposed to this check-listed childhood that many have created and live by.
* Don’t do a child’s homework for them. Teachers are left not knowing what kids actually know how to do. And worst of all, it tells your precious child, Hey kid, I don’t think you can succeed in the fourth or seventh or 12th grade, but don’t worry, I’ll do your work for you.
Why do people do this? We’re afraid if I don’t do their homework, they will not have the future I need them to have.
* Why do you need that future so badly that you’re willing to commit this really unethical act and furtherance of getting your kid to some outcome? They won’t even actually reach the kid can’t have the successful future if the path has been paved by you doing their work. You constantly rescuing them. This is a short-term win if I turned in the homework for them, or I completed the essay for them, but the long-term losses, your kid can’t do it for themselves. And it’s really your fault, actually. So go get some therapy, listen to a podcast like this. Become the parent who has well examined your own fears, your own insecurities.
* Script: Homework issue. Don’t take over. Instead: “Let me know if you need any help with this. But I also trust that you can have the conversations you need to have with your teacher. I’m always here when you need me, and then smile and walk away.
+ The walking away actually shows them, I am not so worried about this, that I need to step in and micromanage and fix this. I, it also says, I trust you’ve got this. I am not going to make a big deal out of this. Helps bring the pressure down. And also to the example you raise. How can we talk about their individualism or their lack of fitting in or the fact that they will make mistakes, again, emotionally regulated and knowing we are a separate being from them. We can then say to them, you know, ‘when you want to talk, if you want to talk about your identity, if you want to talk about what’s going on in your social life, I am here.”
+ I have thoughts, but I don’t need to fix anything. I’ll give you ideas if you want them. But I’m also here to just listen. Just being present with our kids as they have their tough feelings about pressure, stress, social life, friends, feelings, whatever. Just being present signifies. There is nothing about your emotion that scares me. I’m not feeling a need to change it, to discard it, to dismiss it or fix it. I’ll just be present with you as you have these feelings. And if you want some advice, I will scan my thoughts, you know, my brain and my heart to see what I can offer. And we’ll go from there.
+ The better pedagogy coming from the teacher would be, could we have a parent teacher, a teacher, parent kid meeting where we talk this through together? “I can see you have some concerns and you want me to get involved in making this happen. I actually want my kid to be the kid who can learn this. Could we come in and meet with you together? Where we talk about what your expectations are and the kid can ask questions and can clarify and so on.”
+ And I can say, I’m here to support you buddy, but you’re the one that’s the second grader or the fifth grader, whatever it is, you know, where we can make clear that this is not neglect. This is me trying to empower my kid to be the one to take the reins in their own life.
+ The minute they learn to walk, they’re learning more skills and, and skills are not learned in one effort. They’re learned over time through trial and error. They’re l they get stronger and better each time. They have the opportunity to, to try it. Let’s, let me reframe it. The teacher says your child doesn’t seem to know how to cross the street, so I need you to always cross the street with them. That’s not a forever solution. Take your kid to that street. Narrate how we learn to cross the street, how we look left and right and left. How we stand back from the curb and how we know it’s safe to cross and, and, and speak of it.
+ Teach them, hold their hand, walk it together a number of times, then move to the step where you say, okay kid, I’m here with you, but it’s your turn to decide whether it’s safe to cross mm-hmm. And you’re still there to make sure they don’t, you know, for, you know, miss that speeding car. But at some point the kid has done it enough that you can no longer be there. That’s the teaching method we’re looking for. The teacher is saying, carry your kid across the street because they can’t. And you the parent have to know–but one day they have to as well. So I have to move from step one. I do it for them to step two. I step two, I do it with them teaching them narrating to step three. I’m still there for the, just in case, but now they’re doing it to step four. I don’t have to be there anymore.
+ Stacy Ashland: Show them how, have them do it with you and they are your helper, you do it with them as their helper, they do it by themselves.
* Instead, teach them the skills. Too many of our youth have been taught, don’t talk to strangers, therefore don’t you dare go into a store without me. And then they’re deprived of this basic act of procuring groceries. And then they become young adults who feel stupid, silly, bad, embarrassed because they don’t have this basic skill and they’re wondering, why don’t I feel like an adult? And part of it is, well, you were never allowed to practice along the way. Mm-Hmm. getting places on their own walking places, biking places, public transportation. Many of us are so afraid that we prevent our kids from having the smaller experiences that would lead to them being able to get on that subway in the big city one day. And they don’t know how to read maps. They don’t know how to read signs. They don’t know how to, you know, handle the turns style or the place where you buy a ticket.
* Learn how to navigate the airport without guiding them. Get on a train.
Notable Quotables:
“There are so many life skills that have to be taught and learned and perfected, and eight years from 10 to 18 is not enough time. You’ve got get in the passenger seat and let them drive. You’re still there for the ‘just in case’ moment– so they don’t drive off a cliff–but it’s their life.”
* “We’re afraid if I don’t do their homework, they will not have the future we need them to have. But the kid can’t have the successful future if the path has been paved by you doing their work. This is a short-term win but a long-term loss if your kid can’t do it for themselves. And it’s your fault, actually. So go get some therapy, listen to a podcast like this. Become the parent who has well examined your own fears, your own insecurities.”
* “You can develop the philosophical stance of, ‘my kid is not my pet on a leash.’ ‘My kid is not my potted bonsai tree on my living room dining room table.’ ‘My kid is not my project.’ ‘The evidence of my worth, their homework is not my trophy.’ Instead, have the philosophical respect for the fact that ‘my kid is a human being separate from me, given to me by God or the universe, or however you believe we got here. And my job is to love the heck out of them, feed them well, shelter them, teach them work ethic, teach them to be kind to others and get the hell out of their way.’”
* “Too many of our youth have been taught, don’t talk to strangers, therefore don’t you dare go into a store without me. And then they’re deprived of this basic act of procuring groceries. And then they become young adults who feel stupid, silly, bad, embarrassed because they don’t have this basic skill and they’re wondering, why don’t I feel like an adult? And part of it is, well, you were never allowed to practice along the way.”*
This week on my podcast, @jlythcotthaims reminds us that our kids are not our pets on a leash or a potted bonsai tree. They are ours to love, feed, and then, get out of their way.
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Resources:
* www.julielythcotthaims.com
* Book: Your Turn
* Book: How to Raise and Adult
* Facebook
* Twitter
* Instagram
* Ted Talk #1
* Ted Talk #2
The post How to Talk to Kids About Becoming Individuals Without Interference with Julie Lythcott-Haims appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about SexThis podcast focuses on answering some of kids’ toughest questions about sex and changing bodies. From puberty to erections, masturbation and what sex is, we’re going in! Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews sexuality educator and author, Dr. Logan Levkoff on the latest episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
Special Guest: Logan Levkoff, PhDParents, much to their surprise, have a great influence on their kids’ attitudes and values around sex, body exploration and relationships. While kids might tell you that they absolutely, positively do not want to talk to their parents (of all people) about sex or dating, the studies reveal something completely different. Perhaps you remember when we had Richard Weissbourd of Harvard University on the show and he told us that his research continually shows that kids want to have these conversations with their parents—and not just once- they want to have lots of conversations about this information over time. They want the knowledge and they want the guidance.
Now I know we’ve talked about the topic of sex before on this show—we’ve talked to Dina Alexander, Richard Weissbourd, Peggy Orenstein, Cara Natterson, and Bonnie J Rough about how to get at this difficult topic- we’ve also talked to Gail Dines about pornography and how that fits into this discussion too. But you know what? I think we are still uncomfortable about this topic. Would you agree? And as I’m currently writing the chapter of my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, on talking to kids about sex and synthesizing the research, all the hours of interviews we’ve done on this show about this topic, and telling you my own tips, scripts, stories and steps- I thought, let’s bring someone on who can get at some of our toughest questions. Questions that make us squeamish and yet, we still need to answer them for the health and wellbeing of our children. So are you ready? I am too. Let’s do it together.
Bio
Logan Levkoff is an internationally recognized expert on sexuality and relationships, Dr. Logan Levkoff encourages honest conversation about sexuality and the role it plays in our culture. Logan makes it clear that sex and sexuality are not “dirty” words; she works to create an environment where people feel comfortable asking (and getting answers to) their most personal questions. Logan empowers children, adolescents, and adults to embrace their sexuality and challenge the impractical, and often unhealthy, messages that they are exposed to. Logan frequently appears on television including Good Morning America, The Today Show, The Rachael Ray Show, The CBS Early Show, Oprah, Fox News Channel, and CNN. She was the host of CafeMom’s show, Mom Ed: In the Bedroom, the sexuality expert for the first three seasons of the breakout hit for A&E/FYI, Married at First Sight, and is the host of Shape Magazine’s video series, “The Sexpert.” Logan is the author of several books including Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media, and Other Adolescent Realities with Dr. Jennifer Wider. She lives in New York City with her husband, son, and daughter.
Important Messages:
* Don’t just give information- impart skills! Health care, STI testing, relationship skills, negotiation skills, how to use condoms and other forms of contraception. Even shopping skills- shopping for tampons, deodorant, bras, condoms. Critically important skills- we tend to focus on the information and not on the actionable skills. This becomes the parent’s wheelhouse.
* Some schools provide time for sexologists to give talks about contraception and demonstrate how to use it- but some don’t. The best sex-ed programs partner with the community at large. Parents need to ask questions about what their kids are learning. Sex educators are supplementing not taking the lead on info the kids need to learn about sex.
* Go shopping! See the products that are out there. They’ve changed a great deal over the years. Innovations- condoms and sexual health products.
* 5 Things impact everyone-puberty. The majority of things that happen during puberty happen to everyone! Fosters a sense of respect and empathy- no need to go to “the boys’ side” and “the girls’ side.”
+ Most of what happens in puberty to kids is the same.
+ The parts that are different are for the same reason- to activate reproductive system to give choices in the future.
+ All bodies have the innate capacity for pleasure. Disservice to girls when we only focus male bodies and the pleasure that comes with erections and ejaculation.
+ Puberty is a complicated time where you are navigating physical changes, emotional changes and social changes but there are a lot of positives- a sense of independence, understanding ourselves before sharing ourselves with the world around us, a need for privacy.
+ “You are about to embark on a transitional time that is not an overnight change. Lots of kids think it only takes about 1 year! Nope! It’s 5-7 years. There’s a lot going on- not always visible to the eye. It’s a long process. Your body and your feelings- you are going to embark on this time that takes a lot of years but you are going to change into a more mature person. You are still my child- my teen- I’m not throwing you to the wolves. It’s a journey- and it’s a journey where you’ll have a lot of questions- I’m going to be here to navigate that time, and if I don’t have an answer to your questions, I am committed to getting them for you.”
* Most of what kids need to know about puberty is the same. The few parts that are different happen for the same reason! They happen to activate the reproductive system so you have choices in the future. You don’t have to use your body in that way- but that’s what puberty is for- to give you options.
* We do a disservice to girls when we talk so much about erections and ejaculations as pleasure and only talk about reproduction for girls. The clitoris is made out of the same erectile tissue as the penis. In utero the erectile tissue becomes either the penis or the clitoris. Don’t see it in same way- but it’s still there and still for the same reason. If you have a vulva and vagina, you have erectile tissue too!
* Each parent, regardless of body parts, has an important perspective. They can model respect for others, respect for bodies, consent, relationships.
* Think about your upbringing. What were the messages you got about sex and sexuality and your body growing up? How might your life or your experience be different if the information you received about sex, sexuality and your body was different? This is the mantra you need to think about. Push yourself through the discomfort because we know what’s at stake.
* Sex: Defining sex. What is sex? We have the assumption that when someone mentions sex, we are talking about penis in vagina intercourse. That’s one type of sex. Sex is: A range of behaviors in which people share their bodies with one another.” That can be genital-genital, genital-oral, genital-anal. The idea is that sex describes something that is deeply personal and intimate during which comes the capacity for pleasure and also comes with big responsibilities.
* There’s no hierarchy that some things “count” more than others- don’t want to be hetero-normative and suggest that the only people capable of having sex are heterosexual people. For all of these ways we share our bodies are deeply personal and intimate. They should be pleasurable. And we should think of them in terms of “how do we manage outcomes?” “How do we make smart decisions?” “How do we negotiate behaviors?” When you think about it- the only thing that is different is pregnancy! Most of the potential outcomes—and let’s say outcomes instead of consequences because some of them are positive- are really the same.
* Ask your child; “what do you think sex is?” The likelihood is that they’ve been exposed to information or messages that are aligned with your values—and maybe they are not. Find out what they know and think they know. Gives them time to prep answer and also tells you what gaps you need to fill in for them.
* You can give facts and values at the same time! We don’t need to be perfect and comfortable. “I want to talk to you about this and I think you are ready to have these conversations. I want you to know that I didn’t have these conversations and some of this is new to me but I know how important it is so I’m going to push through the discomfort because I know you deserve the information.” (Then you can really say anything after that!)
* Fact, Fiction and Phraseology (Masturbation)
+ Some people may have heard that kids who masturbate are possessed, have been sexually abused, are dirty, will go blind if they do it too much and lack a moral compass. Is there any facts, is this all complete fiction, and what should we say to our children about people who masturbate?
- (Complete fiction! Scientific information: There are images of fetal masturbation! Let’s not use the word “dirty” as it creates a binary of cleanliness and dirtiness, good and bad- shouldn’t be used to describe people’s sexuality.)
- Being curious about your body is basically one of the tenants of being a human being. We all have these parts- and all have the capacity for pleasure. None of us have to be dependent on another person to give us pleasure. We don’t have to seek it out from someone else- we don’t have to get it from unhealthy or unequal partnerships because we know what our bodies are capable of. There’s no magical age that you are deemed a ‘sexual being’ and someone else flips that switch in you. That is not true and doesn’t work. Regardless how comfortable you are with masturbation, it’s a very typical part of human development at all stages of life and has some great benefits. You understand what your body is capable of, you understand what the norm is for your body, what it looks like, how it feels, how you experience things.
- From a medical/health perspective, it’s important to know when things are off or unusual for your body- and we aren’t able to know that when we don’t know the norm for our bodies. We tend to forget that.
- “If there hasn’t been a time already, there may come a time when you are incredibly curious about your body, what it feels like, what it can do. Please know that it is your right, in a space that is personal and private to you, where you feel comfortable to you to explore that body. It’s completely normal if you do, and completely normal if you don’t.”
- Toddlers might put their hands down their pants at the dinner table- you can tell them to stop a million times and it make no difference!
- As we approach puberty- we are all entitled to some privacy. And it’s a good time to set some rules around knocking on doors for your child and the adult. We can set up this conversation as “you have the right to privacy, you can have the freedom to explore your body in ways that feel right to you and there’s nothing wrong with being curious about your genitals and how they work.”
+ Many people have expressed that young children should not touch their bodies, explore their bodies or masturbate. It’s often thought of as too sexual for a young child to be doing something like that. Fact, fiction and how do we talk about this with our children?
- (Fiction!)
- We have parts that feel good- from head to toe. At any time during the day, you might rub your hand, and there are nerve-endings that make that touch feel good. This is not to be deliberately sexual.
- We are all sexual beings from birth to death. We express that sexuality differently throughout our lives. People typically have a hard time thinking of children as sexual beings because in our heads we conflate that with being deliberately, actively sexual.
- Masturbation as a teen or adult might be deliberately sexual- but for young children, it’s soothing, it’s exploration, it’s not the same as we see it as an adult.
+ Some religions posit that masturbation is simply wrong so body exploration and masturbation should make someone feel guilty and shameful. Fact, fiction, and how should we talk about this with our kids?
- Can’t answer as fact/fiction- lots of religious, spiritual, cultural values around masturbation and sex. Not going to tell anyone they are not entitled to their own opinion and belief system.
- There’s a difference between giving young people your family’s values and lying to them. You can say; “we don’t believe in these things or we don’t support them because our religious values are XYZ,” but don’t say; “you are going to go blind, you’ll grow hair on your palms, not successful in life because they explore their bodies.” Facts are important and they’ll figure it out. If the find out that you’ve been lying to them either deliberately or inadvertently- we really use lose future conversations and that would be a shame for everyone involved.”
* Erections: The likelihood that boys (or those with a male body) know that their penis has the ability to get hard and will stick out. “Do you know why changes happen to the penis? During the next few years, there will be times when you can control what your penis does and it gets hard- and there will be times when you can’t control what your penis does and it gets hard. And the reason for it is that it’s made of this spongy tissue and blood rushes to it- and if you think of a sponge, a sponge will absorb water and expand, the penis will absorb the blood and expand and this causes it to get hard. It’s going to happen at a time when it’s totally convenient for you and it’s going to happen at a time when it’s totally inconvenient for you.
* Let’s think about strategies- what if you get your period at school for the first time and you’re not prepared? What if you get an erection in school and your not prepared? What can you do? Wait a few minutes. Put a notebook in front of you. Strategies in case they happen- so they can feel more comfortable. They happen!
* Teach empathy- there may be a time that it happens to someone else- don’t make them feel badly about it- it’s not their fault!”
* Focus on this idea that sexuality is a pleasurable and empowering part of our lives. It’s pleasurable emotionally and physically- and this happens when we have the tools to understand our bodies. It’s hard to feel pleasure when there is guilt, shame and lack of knowledge!
* Be positive and empowering. It’s confusing. Some isn’t great- like pimples! But there is some good here- choices of the future!
* Often asked. What if young people don’t want to talk to me? “Well, that’s too bad for them.” Guardians need to be able to say- “I know you don’t want to have this conversation with me. I get it. You know a lot. You’ve gotten this information from your friends and a whole host of sources but I really want to have these conversations with you- less for you and more for me. Because when I signed up to become a parent, I made certain promises- one of which was that I was going to help create a generation of young people who felt empowered by their sexuality. Who knew how to make good decisions—so that’s on me. I have not done my job if I am not sending you into the world with the right tools.”
* Put some of the onus on you.
* Give tools. Resources. Want us to have a conversation about some of these things. Not every adult has wonderful, consensual, equitable sexual experiences growing up and can’t have these conversations with their young people. You can use a proxy! Other adults in our lives who we adore and who we trust (and who are kids adore and trust) who can have these conversations with our young people.
* Nobody does it perfectly. We all make mistakes. The learning and growth comes from admitting that we make mistakes and have made mistakes but we are still trying!
Notable Quotables:
“When we talk about providing information to our young people, it’s not just information and values that we impart, we have to impart skills as well.”
* “As sexuality educators we are merely supplementing what parents are doing at home all of the time. Often times, parents flip it and believe that the sexuality educators are the ones who are solely responsible but we get limited time with young people! Most of it falls on the parents.”
* “The majority of things that happen during puberty happen to everyone regardless of your assigned sex and regardless of how you identify your gender.”
* “The purpose of puberty is to activate the reproductive system to give you options in the future.”
* “When we focus on the similarities and shared experiences, we develop a great deal of respect for each other.”
* “Our words and our experiences still matter, even if they aren’t identical [to our children’s].”
* “How might your life- your experience- be different if the information you received was different? This is the mantra for parents and caregivers to always think about because that’s the motivation for doing things a bit differently if we didn’t get the best information. To push ourselves through the discomfort because what’s at stake.”
* “We are all sexual beings from birth to death. We express that sexuality differently throughout our lives. People typically have a hard time thinking of children as sexual beings because in our heads we conflate that with being deliberately, actively sexual.”
* “Facts are important…If the find out that you’ve been lying to them either deliberately or inadvertently- we really use lose future conversations and that would be a shame for everyone involved.”*
How do we answer our kids' toughest questions about sex and all that goes with it? I interview @LoganLevkoff on the #TalktoKids podcast and we go there- so that we can have truthful, productive conversations with our kids. Listen in!
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Resources:
* LoganLevkoff.com
* Social Media: @LoganLevkoff
* Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media, and Other Adolescent Realities (with Dr. Jennifer Wider)
* Mentioned on podcast: Amaze.org (age-appropriate videos on body or sex-related topics)
The post How to Answer Kids’ Toughest Questions about Sex with Logan Levkoff, PhD ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Beating the Odds, Acceptance & True Self WorthWhat is to come for a child who is told he is garbage? Worthless? Beaten to the ground? I have often said that children who have the love, kindness and acceptance of an adult—or several adults—can be the difference. As you might remember me saying, Search Institute found that many young people don’t feel that they have at least 3 key adults to turn to in a time of need and challenge. Our next guest had a very hard start to his life—abused by his father and watching his mother and siblings meet that same fate. He survived the streets of Kampala Uganda and, due to the potential that someone saw in him- wound up going to school and altering his life for the better in every possible way. My next guest will help us to understand how to talk to kids about acceptance and true self-worth. He has a remarkable story.
Special guest: Peter Mutabazi
What is to come for a child who is told he is garbage? Worthless? Beaten to the ground? I have often said that children who have the love, kindness and acceptance of an adult—or several adults—can be the difference. As you might remember me saying, Search Institute found that many young people don’t feel that they have at least 3 key adults to turn to in a time of need and challenge. Our next guest had a very hard start to his life—abused by his father and watching his mother and siblings meet that same fate. He survived the streets of Kampala Uganda and, due to the potential that someone saw in him- wound up going to school and altering his life for the better in every possible way. My next guest will help us to understand how to talk to kids about acceptance and true self-worth. He has a remarkable story.
Peter Mutabazi is an entrepreneur, an international advocate for children, and the founder of Now I Am Known, a corporation that supplies resources to encourage and affirm children. A single father and foster dad, Mutabazi is a former street kid who has worked for World Vision, Compassion International, and the Red Cross. He has appeared on media outlets such as the BBC and The TODAY Show and continues to be a passionate speaker. He currently lives in Charlotte, North Carolina. For more information visit: www.nowiamknown.com and follow Peter @fosterdadflipper. He has a book out right now called Now I am Known.
Important Messages:
* It begins with me like a stranger who did not know me. A stranger who had never seen me before. We didn’t speak the same language. We didn’t look alike. But somehow saw potential in me. And so for me, what lights me up is when I see potential in others.
* I feel that I can impact on the children and the entire bio family as well.
* From a very early age, I had to understand that there was no life for me. That there was no hope. I knew my chances of survival were very, very small.
* No food. So that was the first hurdle that I really had to deal with, you know as a kid. And the abuse too. So not only the misery and hopelessness was lack of food and going to work as a kid at a very early age. I mean, at four I could go fetch water three miles away. But while you’re getting to fetch water, that’s where you get to meet the other kids who abuse you. Then coming home and having a dad who didn’t see any positive in anything you did, you know the moment he saw you, you garbage, ‘you stupid boy,’ ‘what are you doing here?’ My own father was my worst enemy.
* You also had to endure watching your mother get abused. Your mother had to endure watching you getting abused, and you didn’t hold that against her because if she came to rescue you, then she would’ve been abused again. There was an understanding between the two of you that unfortunately this was the reality, and there was that hopelessness. There was just part of the reality. Then you escaped. You had to endure some, some hardships, but also you got a sense of family and freedom at the same time.
* I think the hardest part as kids was a forced diet to kids is the guilt. Most of my abuse for my mother was the guilt because she was fighting for you to have a meal- she got a beating for that. Or she wanted us to be able to go to school. So as a 3, 5, 10 year old watching your mom trying to advocate for you, but she’s getting punished for that, that guilt is what is the hardest part to deal with.
* Running away wasn’t like I was looking for a better life. It was more of, I know he’s gonna kill me, but why give him the joy of killing me? I’d rather, you know. So for me, it was more of I’m gonna run and I would rather die in the hands of a stranger, you know?
* The only way you can get food when you are away from family is by stealing it.
* I looked at myself as garbage.
* Developed a relationship with a man named James who wanted to put you into a boarding school. At first, didn’t trust him—kind humans actually meant abuse. Danger. But I waited for that danger to show up, but it didn’t show up.
* I’d never felt I was human enough to go to school. Cause I always thought I was less of a human being. What he changed is, he said, if you go to school, there will be lunch, dinner, and breakfast. Three meals a day. I was like, that, that must be heaven. Gave me shoes.
* Cause I had never wore shoes until 16 years old. I literally, I never had a pair of shoes.
* What shocked me was I was at my lowest point of life. For him to see the best in me is really, is really what changed for me. I was trying to steal from him. But he didn’t say, go away. But he just gave me food. Not once- but all the time. And I think I felt, ‘maybe I’m human. Maybe there’s something in me that I’m worthy of feeding in a way.’
* Taking the time to gain the trust of the children who come into your house, who you meet and who you love, and at the same time, helping them to see their humanity and to see that they are worthwhile no matter what their past is, is what makes you so special.
* Now- as a foster parent: how do I really help manage the expectation, but also feel that they’re safe and there’s food for them always at all times.
* He took me in a boarding school, they gave me a bunk bed, I slept on the floor because I didn’t trust, that’s no way. Then the kids would want me to join, to go play soccer. I, for me, the instant thing was to fight back. I was like, what? Wait a minute. They don’t, they don’t want to fight me. They want me to go play. I’ve always seen everyone as an enemy and how to protect myself, but that’s not what I should be thinking about or worried about, that these people actually care that they want me to come alongside.
* You moved from fighting to wanting to learn. You, you became a real student.
* So this man would say, Peter, you’re brave. And I’m like, what does that mean? Brave? Come on. You know, I spend most of my life just being the, the stepping stool for everyone. He says, Peter, if I slept, I would never be able to live on the street for one day. For you to live on the street for five years, you are brave. So he began to see what I saw as negative, make them into positive, you know?
* So now I began to really see what he’s saw in me. Like, oh, he thinks I’m chosen. Maybe I’m chosen. He thinks I’m a gift. Maybe I’m a gift. And the teachers too, they’ll see potential and say, Peter, you are smart. I’m like, really? So I began to believe in what I had by the words of a affirmation that I had from them.
* Now, I began to say, how can I show my father that he’s wrong? Because he, all these, these are five words I had from my dad. You are nobody. You’ll never mount anything. I wish you are never born, so I don’t have to feed you. And you’ll never mount anything hearing those, I believe in them. So now I thought, wait a minute, everything he said, I cannot actually disprove to him that that’s not true, and that’s not who I am. So my whole goal was to work so hard to disprove what my father thought of me. And that worked in some way.
* Yes- need to relabel kids! When we take a child who has been beaten down by negative statements, by negative labels, that there is a chance for them to adopt these positive labels. If we help them to see them, and we use the words, we converse with them, we say it to them so that they can finally adopt them themselves.
* How do you help them to see their worth and that they are accepted and loved for who they are, given that background that they’re coming from, how, how do we help to turn that around? How have you helped to turn that around for them?
* Your foster kids- How do you help them to see their worth and that they are accepted and loved for who they are, given that background that they’re coming from, how, how do we help to turn that around? How have you helped to turn that around for them?
* Validate. I understand what you’re feeling. And then for me as a parent to say, now how do I create an environment where this kid will feel he’s loved, he’s wanted, he’s worth it. And also what he went through is not his fault, you know? I always go back to my story.
* How do you get through the hatred and the hopelessness to find forgiveness?
* I had to really learn my father was his own man and his own responsibility. But I didn’t have to follow the same trait in some way. That’s, for me, helped me to know that when someone is angry, that’s, that’s them feeling whatever they’re feeling. But they’re not angry because it’s not my fault.
* I remove myself and say, that’s them feeling so bad, and I have to be a dad at this moment. You know, though, though, the, the bad words are coming towards me, you know, I just happen to be the person that is safe for them to say that I have to accept them, but not repeat or think the negative towards them in some way, but rather come in as I want to be their son.
* What it means to be a father? Watching the right way for it to be done. I began to learn how he talks to his kids, how he treats his girls, how he treats his wife. And that really became my motto of life. Like, if I ever be, I want to be just like him, you know?
* These key adults in the lives of children, you might not be a parent. You may be a coach or a teacher, or somebody who works with children in a different capacity, but you are so important that you can influence a child by inviting them to your office, by speaking to them kindly, by telling them that they’re worthwhile, by telling them that you see potential in them.
* As foster parents, sometimes we, we don’t know how to ask. But we all need help in big and small ways. This family have adopted kids, but how can I come alongside them and just, you know, be that mentor or come alongside and help in initiative that I, I can’t, so we can all do something small. There’s, there’s nothing small. We can all do something.
Notable Quotables:
“It begins with a stranger who did not know me. A stranger who had never seen me before. We didn’t speak the same language. We didn’t look alike. But somehow he saw potential in me. And so for me, what lights me up is when I see potential in others.”
* “I think the hardest part as kids was a forced diet of guilt. As a 3, 5, 10 year old, watching your mom trying to advocate for you, but she’s getting punished for that.”
* “Running away [from my father] wasn’t like I was looking for a better life. It was more of, ‘I know he’s going to kill me, but why give him the joy of killing me?’ I’d rather run away and die in the hands of a stranger, you know?”
* “I was garbage. Useless. I had no raw or worth of anything. And I accepted that because that’s what I looked like, that’s what I smelled like. We lived in the trash with stray animals and sometimes people would throw food and we’d have to run to get it before dogs. So, in some way, literally I felt like I was a straight animal. That’s how people looked at me.”
* “What shocked me was I was at my lowest point of life. For him to see the best in me is really, is really what changed for me. I was trying to steal from him. But he didn’t say, go away. But he just gave me food. Not once- but all the time. And I think I felt, ‘maybe I’m human. Maybe there’s something in me that I’m worthy of feeding in a way.’”
* “I had an aha moment. They’re not here to punish me. They really want to help.”
* “So this man would say, ‘Peter, you’re brave.’ And I’m like, ‘what does that mean? Brave? Come on.’ You know, I spend most of my life just being the stepping stool for everyone. He says, ‘Peter, I would never be able to live on the street for one day. For you to live on the street for five years, you are brave.’ So he began to see what I saw as negative, make them into positive, you know?”
* “I saw a father being kind to his kids. I saw how they played. I saw how they sat. That became my ideal. If I could have that…I want to have that.”
* “I began to really see what he’s saw in me. H thinks I’m chosen. Maybe I’m chosen. He thinks I’m a gift. Maybe I’m a gift. And the teachers too, they’ll saw potential and said, ‘Peter, you are smart. I’m like, really? So I began to believe in the affirmation that I had from them. Every time I doubted myself, they saw the best and helped me to see that I could do.”
* “I began to say, how can I show my father that he’s wrong? Because these are the words I had from my dad. ‘You are nobody. You’ll never mount anything. I wish you are never born, so I don’t have to feed you. And you’ll never amount anything hearing those,’ I believe in them. So now I thought, wait a minute…that’s not who I am. So my whole goal was to work so hard to disprove what my father thought of me. And that worked in some way.”
* “Once we remove the negative and replace it with a positive or what is possible, then for them, they begin to dream.”
* “It is the small things that truly changes the life of our kids.”
* “The African saying is ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ We can all participate.”
* “We can all do something small. There’s, there’s nothing small. We can all do something.”*
Require teenagers to make decisions about their own lives. You become a good decision-maker, in part, by making decisions and learning from your mistakes, says Bill Stixrud of @SelfdrivenChild on #talktokids podcast
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Resources:
* Book: Now that I am Known
* IG: @fosterdadflipper
* FB: Peter Mutabazi Foster Dad
* TW: @FosterDadFlippr
* https://nowiamknownfoundation.org/
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
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How to Talk to Kids about Being Self-Driven, Self-Motivated & Self-ControlledThis podcast will focus on the science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives. What can we do and say to help show our kids that we believe in them, trust them and feel confident about them making key decisions in their lives about what they need and want for themselves. When we take over, we weaken them and say “don’t trust yourself- trust me instead.” When we externally motivate and incentivize, we don’t allow them to look within themselves and find what intrinsically motivates them. If we want our children to be “self-driven,” we need to allow them to make decisions, make mistakes, learn from them and apply their new knowledge to the next set of decisions. In an interview with Dr. William Stixrud, best-selling co-author of The Self-Driven Child, we learn that this sense of control, while feeling supported by key adults, will benefit our children in all areas of their lives.
Special guest: Dr. William Stixrud
Are we raising an anxious generation? Many would agree that we are. The causes of the uptick in anxiety among children has started to be discussed—even within our podcast- we have talked with Jessica Lahey and our obsession with grades and our focus on avoiding failure at all costs. We have talked with Julie Lythcott Haims about the bubble-wrapping of our children that leaves them unprepared for a life that we deliver them to at the age of 18—a life in which they don’t have the skills, yes, but also where they don’t have the resilience or the confidence to take it on. In The Self-Driven Child, authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson continue this conversation—focusing specifically on the ways that children today are being denied a sense of controlling their own lives—doing what they find meaningful, and succeeding or failing on their own, and on their own terms. While screen time and technology certainly are part of the problem, the real issues lie with us—the parents and the teachers—who have their hearts in the right place but are nevertheless, taking the opportunities away from children that would allow them to grow stronger, more confident, more autonomous, more competent– and more themselves.
William R. Stixrud, Ph.D., is a clinical neuropsychologist, frequent lecturer, presenter, author and founder of The Stixrud Group. He is a member of the teaching faculty at Children’s National Medical Center and an assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the George Washington University School of Medicine. Additionally, Dr. Stixrud is the author, with Ned Johnson, of the nationally bestselling book, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. You will also see him featured for his expertise in publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Times of London, The Wall Street Journal, U.S. News and World Report, Time Magazine, Scientific American, Business Week, Barron’s, and, New York Magazine. And—fun fact- Dr. Stixrud also happens to be a musician who plays in a band!
The podcast provides:
- Why kids need to have a sense of control over their lives
- What self-control has to do with stress and why it’s such a big deal for kids
- Some ways that parents, teachers, admin, coaches and other adults who work with kids can get out of their own way and help to foster a healthy sense of control in kids
- Key ways to help kids find their own internal motivation
- General principles for communicating with kids in a way that nurtures a sense of autonomy or agency
- An example of what it SOUNDS like to communicate with kids in a way that nurtures autonomy.
- How a “consultant model” can work both for a parent and a coach or teacher in the life of a child
- What it sounds like to be a consultant in a child’s life rather than an enforcer or a rescuer who is taking over a child’s self-control?
- How this consultant model applies to kids with ADHD or learning disabilities—and what do parents need to know?
- How to talk with kids about mistakes and failure when we are urging them to take a larger role in the decision making in their lives—and what we do/say when they do mess up Important Messages:
- Stress has profound effects on the brain especially developing brains.
- Sonya Lupien, Neuroscientist in Montreal, summarizes the 4 things that make life stressful- acronym NUTS: Novelty, Unpredictability, Perceived Threat, Low Sense of Control. Sense of Control- most stressful if “something is happening but there is nothing I can do about it.”
- Dramatic increase of stress in recent years.
- How do kids get self-motivated? Sense of control. Need to find the healthy medium between excessively driven and what’s the point in trying?
- Look at research on sense of control: Live longer, healthier physically, cognitively, mental health, perform better, do better academically.
- Research on rats: turn the wheel- the shock would end. Starting coping in all situations. Prefrontal cortex activated. Deal with fear response. If the rats didn’t have this ability, they became nervous wrecks.
- When people have a sense of control- prefrontal cortex is activated, lower stress, dampen stress response. Optimal brain health. Neurological marker of good mental health- strong connection between prefrontal cortex (think logically, perspective) and amygdala (senses danger). Want kids to have prefrontal cortex and amygdala connection to best regulate stress.
- When you are dealing with stress- good stuff can happen- the prefrontal cortex activates, the stress response becomes dampened, and you go into coping mode. That’s what trains you to be resilient.
- We don’t want to protect kids from all stress.
- Principle: This is NOT your responsibility to ensure that your child does his/her homework.
- Script: (1) I love you too much to fight with you about doing your homework. (2) I’m willing to help you! I’ll be your homework consultant and set my hours from 6- 7:30 and help you every night. (3) I am not willing to chase you around the house, fight about it or make you do it because I don’t want to weaken you. (4) If I act like it’s my job to get your homework done, I will weaken you—because it’s really your job.
- Treat kids respectfully. Be a consultant—you can’t make a child do anything.
- While there is a place for rewards, they can undermine a child’s self motivation.
- Carol Dweck- study of mindset. Growth mindset: “I can get better. I can do this with my own effort. The more I practice, the better I get.” Gives a sense of control. Fixed mindset: “There’s nothing I can do about it- I am born with a certain amount of ability.”
- Self determination theory- powerful theory around self motivation- in order to be self motivated, you have to have autonomy, relatedness and competence. “This is my life.” Respect interests.
- Flow experience: When kids are really engaged in something they really want to do. Reed Larson: Studies adolescent development. How become self motivated? Passionate pursuit of their past times- things they love to do. Video games don’t count. Sports, music, coding, building with legos, gymnastics, dance. High effort, high focus, high determination, low stress. Respect kids’ pastimes. Have time to do it.
- What builds motivation- sense that this is my life. This is what I love to do. Passionate engagement. Sculpt the brain with this flow state.
- Worried about kids? Take long term perspective. Not about the present- it’s about the future- that’s where our worry lies. If a child hasn’t developed his/her passion yet, parent might worry that he’ll never have any passions and will only want to play video games. Most kids don’t stay stuck. You might not see it coming—but their passions will likely be ignited.
- Negotiate good limits on electronic stimulation like video games. It’s hard to have anything more stimulating than that. Video games don’t have the same effect on developing intrinsic motivation as compared to art or sport or music. It’s harder to stop playing than it is to continue playing.
- Parents need to manage their own anxiety- realize when we are catastrophizing- fortune telling (he’s not motivated now, he’ll never be motivated) take a long range view- because often, the problem rights itself. Encourage them to try different things- give them time- they’ll find something they like.
- Stepping stones- even if not passionate about a certain task/job/sport—here’s how it will help me in the future get to the thing I do want to do.
- Difference between “feeling like” doing something and “wanting to” do it. (Daughter woke up as infant- job to go get her and bring her to mother to feed her—didn’t feel like doing it but wanted to do it. Might not feel like going to school, but want to graduate.) “I want to do it but I don’t feel like it.”
- Ask your kids: Is there stuff in your life that you would like to have more control over? Allow them to step up to the plate. Let them know- you have confidence in them- that they can run their lives. You want their buy in. Offer help- but don’t force it. Offer advice. Don’t tell them over and over again.
- Script: “I’ve got some advice about that- would you like to hear it? I’ve got an angle on that- would you like to hear it?”
- Cartoon: “Listen up boys and listen up good because I’m only going to tell you this a million times.”
- See a lot of kids who think they are stupid. They are like stuck doors. The more you try to pull, the more they hang on to the idea.
- Script: “I’m not going to try to take that away from you. You want to keep that point of view, I’m fine with that. But I have a different view- would you like to hear it?” When do this- wrapped attention- not fighting. Real discussion vs a debate. Listening to each other- not trying to win and counter.
- Principle: Get buy in. Don’t tell them over and over. Send a text- then say “I’m not going to bug you about it. Can I ask you about it in two months?”
- Kids as decision makers. Even young kids can make decisions about their own lives. Require teenagers to make decisions about their own lives. You become a good decision-maker, in part, by making decisions and learning from your mistakes. Important message to send to our tens- that you have confidence in their ability to make their own decisions about their lives.
- Script: With younger kids- “You are the expert in you. Nobody knows you better than yourself. You know when you are hungry, you know when you’re not hungry, you know when you are hot or cold, you know what you want, you know what’s important to you.” So- go with the child’s decision unless it’s crazy. Set limits.
- Opposite of a sense of control: Helpless, hopeless, passive, resigned, overwhelmed, anxious.
- Make rules- making lunch- brownie, sure, but a small part of your lunch- not whole lunch.
- Kids need to make informed decisions- know more.
- Emotions drive good decisions. Not necessarily rational. Emotions rooted in “what do I want?”
- “It’s going to be your call” Kids will think it through and ask opinions.
- Dressing self- might not look great- but gaining confidence.
- Coach vs parent- kid is choosing to have the relationship with the coach- so listen to the coach. Child who doesn’t practice- if you use force- doesn’t work.
- Script: Communication techniques. “Obviously, I can’t make you do this.” “You are acting like I can make you do this. All you’d have to do is flop to the floor and close your eyes.” Describe all the ways they can beat you- beat the system- I personally think the best thing working with stubborn, oppositional kids is; “I am not going to try to use the force of my will to make you do this.”
- Negotiate- Script: “I can see, if you work hard, you can have this potential. You can be really good. Would you like to be better at that than you are? Is there a way that I can help you get down to business and work harder?” Seek buy in. Offer help. See confidence and potential. As opposed to telling the kid the same thing over and over. Not force of will. Talk to them and offer help.
- Child explains problem- and tell her/him what to do- argument. Instead- is there a way I can help? Opens door.
- Neurologically makes sense. When force kid- humans don’t like to be forced- amydala senses threat. Activates. Starts fighting. If they go to the fight part- they won’t hear a thing.
- Story: A 7-year-old girl vs 19-year-old boy with ADHD- 7 year old doing homework before playing. And 19- year- old flunking, not going to class. She had a sense “this is my work.” Older child- feeling like it’s someone else’s problem. Incentives are ok- but don’t work harder to sole the kids’ problems than the kids!
- A lot of kids with ADHD want to get their work done. Don’t force. Is there something I can do to help? It’s a motivational disorder. Low dopamine levels. Medicine jacks up dopamine. “I know that your brain does not have enough dopamine to focus on this boring stuff. If you want to get this stuff done, I am willing to offer you an incentive to do it- to see if it will jack up your dopamine.” Healthy way to do rewards instead of here’s what you have to do and here’s the reward schedule. That undermines autonomy. Happy to help kids with ADHD with dopamine levels as long as it’s in service of their own goals.
- Needs to be: This is my work, this is what I want to do, and I’ll ask for help when I need it. BUT- don’t work harder than they do. You’ll weaken them that way. I don’t want to weaken you- so, how can I help?
- More of a sense of control means a greater likelihood of making mistakes.
- Mess up- if we don’t react in a big way, this is helpful.
- We are not saying that the kids are on their own.
- “Would it help you if…” “Do you want me to bug you about…”
- Story: Why didn’t you hand this in? “Because you didn’t remind me.” This can’t be that the parents manage their kids. Not completely independent though.
- Kids should be able to run their own lives for at least 6 months before they go off to college. Appointments. Food. Dressed. Making decisions. Learning from mistakes. “I want you to practice running your own life. I want you to make decisions. I want you to make mistakes. I want you to learn from them.” Wisdom comes from bad decisions.
- “I hope you find things that you suck at. Successful people are good at some things, and suck at others—and they don’t try to make a living in something that they suck at.” Channel the message that successful people DO make mistakes. I want you to make mistakes—and learn from them.
- Non-reactive parent- start with empathy instead of our own anxiety or anger.
- Infants: respond to warmth and responsiveness.
- Book in 80s. How to Deal with your Acting Up Teenagers. Apply to kids with ADHD? It’s just about treating kids with respectfully. Support them. Adopt consultant role- believe in them and let them trust themselves- this is top tip.
- Story: Is there something that your parents could have done that would have been helpful? “They could have been happy to see me sometimes.”
- Kids- joy-producing organism. Smile at them. Builds relatedness.
Notable Quotables:
“We need to help kids gain a healthy sense of self-motivation in between the extremes of ‘excessively driven’ and ‘what’s the point in trying?’”
* “When you have a sense of control, the brain works optimally. You live longer, you are healthier physically and mentally, you perform better and do better academically.”
* “The way kids become resilient is—something stressful happens—and they deal with it.”
* “The way we become resilient is that when something stressful happens, your brain engages and copes, ideally with some support. But we don’t want to bubble wrap kids or take responsibility for something that is their’s.”
* “You can’t make a kid do something against their will and it doesn’t make sense to fight with a kid about the same thing over and over again.”
* “I love you too much to fight with you about doing your homework.”
* “Treat kids respectfully: Kids have a brain in their heads and they want their lives to work.”
* “When we are worried about our kids, we need to take a long-term perspective. All of our anxiety about our kids is not about the present, but about the future. Most kids don’t stay stuck. Don’t panic.”
* “Negotiate good limits on electronic stimulation like video games because it’s hard to have anything more stimulating than that. Video games don’t have the same effect on developing intrinsic motivation as art or sport or music because it’s harder to stop playing than it is to continue playing.”
* “Have a real discussion instead of a debate. Listen to each other instead of trying to win and counter.”
* “Require teenagers to make decisions about their own lives. You become a good decision-maker, in part, by making decisions and learning from your mistakes.”
* “The best message you can give to a teenager, besides ‘I’m crazy about you,’ is ‘I have confidence in your ability to make decisions about your own life and learn from your mistakes.’
* “Go with the kid’s decision unless it’s crazy.”
* “I don’t want to work harder to help a kid solve his problems than the kid does. I don’t want to take responsibility for something that is the kid’s responsibility.”
* “If my kid is anxious, one of the best ways that I can help them is to manage my anxiety better.”
* “Infants respond to warmth and responsiveness. I’m not sure if there isn’t a time in our lives that empathy doesn’t help us.”
* “When our kids aren’t doing well, sometimes we think we can’t enjoy them because we don’t want to send the message that it’s okay to keep screwing up. From my point of view, one of the best things we can do for kids is to simply enjoy being with them.”*
Require teenagers to make decisions about their own lives. You become a good decision-maker, in part, by making decisions and learning from your mistakes, says Bill Stixrud of @SelfdrivenChild on #talktokids podcast
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Resources:
* The Self-Driven Child (book)
* TheSelfDrivenChild.com
* Facebook: The Self-Driven Child Group
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Talk to Kids about Being Self-Driven, Self-Motivated & Self-Controlled with Dr. William Stixrud – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How do we talk to kids about Health Challenges & Medical DiagnosesMany of us have been there. We walk out of an appointment with our child’s doctor or teacher and we feel concerned—and a whole host of other feelings from fear to anger to sadness, confusion and of course, love. We all hope that our children are healthy and cruise through life fairly unscathed- so when reality hits and we hear that our child has common challenges like ADHD or learning disabilities or more severe challenges like feeding issues, asthma, food allergies, anxiety or depression, we can become alarmed. As we may flip into roles beyond the typical parenting caregiver to medical scheduler, diagnosis researcher, health advocate and more- we may find that money, time, access and a feeling of calm is in short supply. What can we do to cope with and talk with our kids about challenging medical diagnoses and how to proceed through life with one? For this, we turn to Dr. Kelly Fradin.
Many of us have been there. We walk out of an appointment with our child’s doctor or teacher and we feel concerned—and a whole host of other feelings from fear to anger to sadness, confusion, and of course, love. We all hope that our children are healthy and cruise through life fairly unscathed- so when reality hits and we hear that our child has common challenges like ADHD or learning disabilities or more severe challenges like feeding issues, asthma, food allergies, anxiety, or depression, we can become alarmed. As we may flip into roles beyond the typical parenting caregiver to medical scheduler, diagnosis researcher, health advocate, and more- we may find that money, time, access and a feeling of calm is in short supply. What can we do to cope with and talk with our kids about challenging medical diagnoses and how to proceed through life with one? For this, we turn to Dr. Kelly Fradin.
Dr. Kelly Fradin (@AdviceIGiveMyFriends) is a pediatrician, mother of two, and child advocate based in New York City. As the Director of Pediatrics at Atria Institute, Dr. Fradin was inspired to become a doctor because of her experience surviving childhood cancer. A graduate of Harvard College and Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons, she has dedicated her career to caring for children with complex medical conditions in many situations including academic clinics, private practice, inpatient units, and schools. She shares realistic and empowering parenting advice and children’s health information on her Instagram account @AdviceIGiveMyFriends, which continues to grow.
Important Messages:
* My diagnosis affected more than just me- it affected the family. Children don’t exist in, in isolation. They’re part of a family unit and, and we need to talk about that context when we help a child because a child with asthma in one family may require a totally different plan of care than a child with the same diagnosis in a different family.
* Mistake: When you survive childhood cancer, you’re often left with kind of a laundry list of you’re at higher risk for skin cancer. So you see a dermatologist, you’re at higher risk for, for colon cancer, so you have to go to colonoscopy early and all this healthcare maintenance stuff. And when I was in my twenties and early thirties and in medical school and starting a family, it was very tempting to dismiss the preventive healthcare and not make it a priority and not make time for it. And I think that is, is generally speaking a mistake, but the fact that even me with my knowledge of how important it is still made those decisions, we may prioritize just the regular everyday.
* Parent impact: Biggest success in my experience and the thing that I think had the biggest impact was that my mom was very empowered to, to advocate for me
* Tempted to avoid the conversation. We often want to protect our children from hard things. But child knows there is something wrong even before you say something. Body language of parent. Whispers. Extra doctor’s appointments. Then the child acts out—because of the stress.
* Advice: So I would encourage parents to communicate earlier rather than waiting, because that even if, even if the answer is, “I don’t know, but we’re gonna figure it out by asking the right people for help and, and we have a plan to get more information and I’ll update you soon,” that that can make a child feel safe and that can make a child feel like they’re a part of the team and that they’re have some control. And it also invites children then to ask follow-up questions because it’s better that they ask than that they worry or stew on their own.
* Warning: Children can get a sense and a sense that something’s going on. And because they have such vivid imaginations, they can actually go to a darker place and wonder if something even more profound is happening to them or somebody that they love. And by talking to them, we put them in a little bit more control, even though it’s out of our control, it makes them feel a little bit more in control, at least knowing what you know, in the way that would be appropriate for that age group.
* Self-esteem: It can help a child’s self-esteem to give them that internal script. Sometimes I see children who may be having a learning disability or attention issues in school impacting their learning, and they can tell that it’s coming easier to other kids, or that other kids are, are succeeding more academically than they are. So to give them a script such as everybody learns at different rates or every brain works differently, and we we’ll find the best way to support your learning together. It, it can help it can help them extraordinarily so.
* Positive and constructive: Developmental disabilities or even weight issues, children, if they’re, if they’re very thin or maybe a little heavy for their age, they may start to come up with messages of how they’re thinking through this. And as a parent, it’s a gift to give them a message that’s positive and constructive rather than what they glean from, from other children or the media potentially
* How you talk to your child has to do with development, age and sensitivity. Younger or a child who has a tendency to get very anxious- they don’t necessarily need to know two months in advance about the surgery. Right. Say your child’s having frequent ear infections and has to have surgery about it you may say, you know, this ear, nose and throat doctor is going help us come up with a plan so you don’t get as many ear infection but you might not say you’re going to have surgery in three months because that’s a long time and they’re not actually going to gain anything by knowing that that’s coming in the future.
* Once diagnosed: Can’t live in emergency mode forever. These kids have been diagnosed, especially with something that is chronic or something that is going to take a long time to address like a cancer or chronic or something that they’re going be dealing with for their life, a developmental delay or severe asthma, a food issue, we know from your book that it’s not sustainable to live in an emergency mode and that kids and adults can flip into burnout when they do live there. So what about burnout?
* Tie medication to part of their routine- allow the child to take some control and ownership.
* Parent has to supervise- novelty wears off. Parent has to troubleshoot.
* Be honest: “this is really hard and I haven’t figured this out yet,” or “I don’t know what we’re going to do yet.”
* Something can be difficult in the moment without meaning it’s always going to be difficult, that there’s potential for growth, there’s potential for improvement, you’re not, not alone in facing this.
* Model positive self-talk: Talking positively to yourself about the challenging moments and sometimes talking out loud because your children will internalize the way you talk through it.
* Doctor running late: Model. “Oof, I’m feeling very frustrated. I need to move my body to calm down a little. Like, let’s go for a walk. Or let’s get some fresh air while we wait a few more minutes. And, and then by modeling this kind of coping you can show your child how to respond when they feel the same way (the importance of rest or, or the use of music or humor or relaxing activities).
* Top tip: I think the most important thing is to remember that you’re not alone in supporting your child. And while you have a lot of things on your plate, one of the most important things is figuring out who is going to help you and how they’re going to do so. Because in the long run, having that wide base of comprehensive support both for your child and yourself is going to make it sustainable and improve the quality of the care your child gets. So don’t be scared to ask for help and to be open with those in your community about what you’re dealing with.
* The only way to break that cycle is, is to be kind of brave and overcome the hesitancy to open up.
* One third of children have chronic health challenges in this country, and, and that’s like a snapshot.
* Common: That doesn’t mean that somebody had a chronic health challenge a year ago a or will have one next year. The truth is, whether you’re facing the same challenge or not, it doesn’t really matter. The experience of going through and supporting your child who has a developmental delay in getting all the therapies, it shares a lot in common with a child who later is having a mental health struggle.
* Feeling left out because child has a developmental delay or chronic illness: it’s a very common experience. I think it’s something people don’t talk about a lot because there’s a hesitancy because you can love your child very fiercely and, and dislike some of the logistics of being their parent and supporting them. Like you can both, you know, delight in your child and adore them and love them and find joy in them and have a hard time with some of the parts of parenting them. I mean, that’s true. Parenting is not always like rainbows and unicorns and, and social media, I think in some ways makes that worse because there’s not always, although I will say I do think it’s increasing people putting themselves out there more in terms of having a dialogue about the ups and downs and the, the, the sort of real experience of parenting. But, but it’s okay to have those mixed feelings.
Notable Quotables:
+ - “Children don’t exist in isolation. They’re part of a family unit and, and we need to talk about that context when we help a child a child…in one family may require a totally different plan of care than a child with the same diagnosis in a different family.”
- “It’s definitely a mistake to not prioritize the prevention.”
- “As a parent, we can be very tempted to avoid the conversation about childhood illness. We want to protect our child from hard things. We want to wait until we have more certainty or clarity about what’s going on before we have a conversation. But the truth of the matter is that children are very observant and they often know that something is different.
- “Something can be difficult in the moment without meaning it’s always going to be difficult. There’s potential for growth, there’s potential for improvement, you’re not alone in facing this.
- “The most important thing is to remember that you’re not alone in supporting your child.”
- “There is a terrible cycle of, ‘I don’t think anybody else will get it…I don’t think anybody else will understand…So I’m not going to tell anyone…’And then they won’t get it, and they won’t understand and they won’t know how to help. The only way to break that cycle is, is to be brave and overcome the hesitancy to open up.”
- “You can’t just assume just by looking at another child that their parents can’t relate. It’s very possible that they can.”*
As a parent, we can be very tempted to avoid the conversation about childhood illness, says @KellyFradinMD, on #talktokids podcast. We want to shield our kids from hard things-- but they know something is up so let's open up.
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Resources:
* Instagram: @AdviceIGiveMyFriends
* Facebook: @AdviceIGiveMyFriends
* Book: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, and Mental Health Challenges
* Website: drkellyfradin.com
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How do we talk to kids about Health Challenges & Medical Diagnoses with Kelly Fradin appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Equity, Racism and Social JusticeThis podcast focuses on the conversations that need to occur around racism, inequities and social justice in a world where black and brown boys are routinely marginalized, mistreated and made to feel inferior. How can advocates, educators, parents and activists become mentors and guides for black and brown boys? How can we empower our young people to speak out and create change? How can we change the stereotypes of this group of young people by highlighting the good, changing our expectations and altering the old systems that no longer serve? Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks with educator, Jason B. Allen, about how we can make a difference.
Special guest: Jason B. Allen
It is no secret that many of our black and brown boys are marginalized, mistreated and made to feel inferior in today’s world. You’ve heard leaders call for systemic change- but that only happens when the people within our systems, help them to change. We need advocates, educators and activists to help do this important work—to teach and guide us, as parents and coaches and prominent people in the lives of youth on how to help all our young people reach their potential. There are some uncomfortable conversations that must occur- about racism, about inequity, about social justice—with those young people who are on the receiving end of inequities as well as with those who are peers, friends, teachers and parents of those who must cope with these inequities every day. How do we talk to our kids about equity and social justice? How do we empower our young people to speak out and make change? And How do we present ourselves as mentors—or provide the mentors our children need- so that they have people to look towards who look like them so they can see where they can go with hard work and hopefully, a fair shot. For all of this, I turn to special educator, Jason B. Allen.
Jason B. Allen is a Special Education teacher in Georgia. Jason has worked in Education for over fifteen years as a teacher and leader servicing students, families and communities. One way he uses his platform is by helping to improve ways to recruit, retain and empower Black male educators to advocate for social justice and equity through his work with Profound Gentlemen. As an education activist and blogger (EdLanta), Jason actively speaks and writes on ways to improve educational outcomes and is helping lift student voices in decisions to improve and reimagine education. He is a member of the Association of American Educators (AAE) and an AAE Foundation Advocacy Fellow and a 2017 YouCAN Advocates Program Alumni.
Important Messages:
* “As a Black male educator, I don’t just get to talk about it; I have to be about it. Every day I have an opportunity to shift the narrative on how Black boys—who will grow into productive citizens like me—are accepted, treated, perceived and depicted in the world. Black boys often show some of the highest levels of deficiency in areas of academics, behavior, discipline and attendance in schools.”
* Change the narrative around Black boys: Sharing the stories of the black and brown boys in the classroom- what they would like to see, their struggles, how home and outside of the home plays a role.
* Data show that black boys struggled when it came to discipline in the schools—problems with policy and cultural dynamics. Story of Kalen- shows that building relationships with students can create positive change and enables better educational outcomes.
* Engagement- engage our students. Government doesn’t invest in family and community engagement in our public schools. (See Harvard School of Education under Karen Mapp). Engagement helps the kids who might have been left behind. We need to be intentional about what we are doing right now- having the conversations. What are you going through? How is this going for you? How is the classroom, this school, impacting you, positively or negatively? Then we lay out the variables. We start to do the problem-solving so that the things that they see teachers do in the classroom, they can see us doing in real time- that’s how you get the buy in.”
* The more we have the conversations, the easier they become.
* 2% of male educators of color in the classroom in America. Need for more social-emotional support for children of color in public schools. Resource- Demario Harmen Fort- Company is SpeakLight (see resources for info). Battling depression, anger issues- check that out.
* Children need to have representation in the classroom- but also in areas that impact the classroom like school boards- so if they don’t have a teacher who looks like them in classroom, they are still represented.
* Story- Ms. Thornton. Understood that the punitive systems were not working so she got together with the counselor and created a different outlet for Jason- one where he wrote down his feelings and journaled. “It took having a counselor who looked like me but also who didn’t look like me to provide a resource that worked.” “I’m from Buckhead and I have a family member in Bankhead but I want to meet you where you are.” (This, as opposed to harsher punishments where you cut off the communication- like through suspension or expulsion- cutting out the access and ability to mend that child’s heart or reach that child).
* Equity- curriculum and teacher diversity. Need culturally inclusive curriculum. Need to reflect on when we were our best but also those times in history when we were our worst—and talk about those. Students are asking for this- and want to see. They want to advance the voices of black, brown and mixed-race educators- that reflect all diversity in our communities.
* When you think of equity- that’s what we are fighting for and advocating for- to advance the voices of all people in our communities.
* These tough conversations about inequity and racism? This is what he is doing every day in his classroom.
* Need some more discussion about current events- it’s a way to reach students. What’s happening in society and our communities in an upfront and loving way.
* Influenced by family members- or can’t have some conversations with family members. How to deal when other people in the family believe differently than you? Need to talk about “the isms” in the classroom. Different generations, different beliefs, different experiences- and they want to insert their beliefs on others. This generation- let them voice their opinions and embrace their beliefs, we can see some growth. This is how you embrace the “all” the “all black men, all black women, all white people” are bad…look at individual people committing the acts and how we can hold them accountable.
* Drive the conversation around love.
* We are reactionary. You have to act quickly if it’s an emergency. But other situations- disrespectful, causing a friction- take a step back. Mediate in love to determine our actions.
* Someone shot in the community- how does this happen? For example, 2 adults having an argument- they aren’t thinking, their reaction caused harm to someone else. In that moment, we need to keep ourselves calm and determine how we want to react. Think of the people who were arguing- what role could you play to calm the situation down? Reflect. Use the cautionary tales to learn the lessons.
* Kids in his school are purposely getting into trouble so that they can go to his office to be heard.
* The struggles of black boys in American public schools who are in special education programs- it has been extremely difficult to empower them when they already have felt disconnected in schools to get them excited for planning for the future- especially college- because they are not seeing that in their communities- there isn’t a sense of urgency in their households. Lack of engagement and connection- especially during Covid- because lack of face to face.
* A lot of the time teachers are not teaching to a child’s learning style- and if they have special needs this becomes that much more important. Parents aren’t familiar with the idea of learning styles.
* Child with double hearing aid- how a child looks affects learning. Need lists. Drink water. Feel more independent. Responsibility. Routine. Patience.
* CREATING A CULTURE: Affirmations are very important. Motivational sayings. Create a different culture. They can make errors- but not failure. Make success possible. Success can look all different ways.
* How are we building culture program? How are we connecting the different subjects- plus recess and visual arts, discipline and attendance?
* What do you want to be? Think of three things that you want to impact that will leave a lasting legacy for you in the future. What do you want to be as a parent? As a teacher? As an activist? As someone who is a citizen here in the United States? Ensuring that all people are safe, respected and loved.
Notable Quotables:
+ - “As a Black male educator, I don’t just get to talk about it; I have to be about it. Every day I have an opportunity to shift the narrative on how Black boys—who will grow into productive citizens like me—are accepted, treated, perceived and depicted in the world. Black boys often show some of the highest levels of deficiency in areas of academics, behavior, discipline and attendance in schools.”
- “As an advocate and educator empowering black and brown boys, I also empower all of my students. Once people take the barrier of race away, that allows people from all walks of life- from different classes, cultures and spaces to, in time, to enjoy these stories and get a better understanding of different walks of life.”
- “Building relationships with students can create positive change and enables better educational outcomes.”
- “Engagement helps the kids who might have been left behind. We need to be intentional about what we are doing right now- having the conversations. We need to ask; ‘What are you going through? How is this going for you? How is the classroom, this school, impacting you, positively or negatively?’ Then we lay out the variables. We can then start to do the problem-solving so that the things that they see teachers do in the classroom, they can see us doing in real time- that’s how you get the buy in, that’s how you get the students to come into a realm ‘I want to be in control of my learning and be more engaged and be a better representation of who I am in and out of the classroom.’”
- “Children need to have representation in the classroom- but also in areas that impact the classroom such as school boards and state boards that create the curriculum and the pipelines that teachers come through because a lot of the time, it’s not that we don’t have the representation, we don’t have the access to funnel in teachers who want to reach various populations of students.”
- “When you think of equity- that’s what we are fighting for and advocating for-advancing the voices, not just of black educators, but our brown educators and our mixed-race educators. Because when we think about equity, what about families who are multi-cultural? How are we reaching those families?”
- “We need to discuss what’s happening in society and in our communities in an upfront and loving way. I want to stress ‘loving’ because as a black male in America, the stories are already created for us. A lot of times they are so negative, people begin to believe that ‘all black men are dangerous.’ ‘All black women are angry.’ All white people are racist.’ I have to walk those conversations back- everyone has free will. Everyone has a different experience. Everyone has a choice to make about how to act and react to certain things. That’s how we begin to dissect what’s happening.”
- “With this generation, if we give them the opportunity to voice how they feel and then embrace their opinions, we can begin to see some growth.”
- “Drive the conversation around love. The thing about love is that we can be upset in that moment, we can be disgruntled about what we witnessed, then we can take that moment to balance ourselves in love and determine what are going to be our action steps.”
- “Meditate in love to determine our actions. The way that you respond can have negative or positive effects on not just you but the people around you.”
- “Give students the time to reflect and use the cautionary tales of others to help eliminate those situations from happening in their own lives and in their communities.”
- “Feelings of hopelessness always connect to someone wanting to be heard, someone wanting to be seen, someone wanting to be appreciated.”
- “For those students who feel isolated, who feel hopeless, we have to go above and beyond making sure that what they need socially and emotionally is being met and a lot of the time that transfers over into the work that we do in the communities and in the household.”
- “Adolescence is a very strange land.”
- “Make success possible.”
- “Our job as mentors, guides, and advocates for black youth is to empower them to go beyond the negative stereotype that have been labeled for them and to create new stories.”
- “What do you want to be? Think of three things that you want to impact that will leave a lasting legacy for you in the future. We are all always changing. Right now, in this moment; What do you want to be as a parent? As a teacher? As an activist? As someone who is a citizen here in the United States? What do you want to be in regards to ensuring that all students, all families, all people are safe, respected and loved.”*
Our job as mentors, guides, and advocates for black and brown youth is to empower them to go beyond the negative stereotype that have been labeled for them and to create new stories, says @jballen5 on #talktokids podcast.
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Resources:
* https://edlanta.org/
* https://www.antoniomcfarland.com/book/college-is-possible
* https://www.speaklight.org/
* https://www.profoundgentlemen.org/
* Perseverance in a Strange Land Book
* https://www.the74million.org/
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Talk to Kids about Equity, Racism and Social Justice with Jason B. Allen – Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Raise Good HumansHow do we raise good humans? Parents need to know their North Star, have some good tools and be ready to parent for the long haul. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Aliza Pressman on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
Special Guest: Aliza PressmanHow do we raise good humans? Do some parents just get lucky with easy children or perhaps they have some kind of special superpower to know what to do? Are there steps to follow or specific things to avoid? We probably all know by now from listening to this podcast and reading all the books that have come with it that we can’t yell, hit, or ignore a child into being “good” so what’s the secret sauce? For this, we have invited Dr. Aliza Pressman on the show today.
BIO
Dr. Aliza is a developmental psychologist with over 15 years of experience working with families. After co-founding SeedlingsGroup and the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, she began the Raising Good Humans Podcast to bring the latest research on child development directly to parents. She’s bringing her expertise and background to listeners every week and starting a new community around evidence-based parenting practices. Dr. Aliza is an Assistant Clinical Professor in the Division of Behavioral Health Department of Pediatrics at Mount Sinai Hospital where she is co-founding director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center.
Important Messages:
* Figuring out like, what’s your north star? What do you want your kids to say about you or your values when they’re looking back on life, what mattered to you for them and what matters to them. That’s the first thing you need to do so that you always have something to kind of go back to. And then you can say like, in my dealing with this particular challenge, what’s most important? Like in the big picture of things. And if I can figure out lhow is my response aligned with my values, then you can keep yourself from getting swept up in what someone else is saying or pressures from your community that don’t necessarily align with your values or whatever it is.
* I think the first thing is really just getting to know our mission statement.
* How is my response aligned with my values? Then you can keep yourself from getting derailed by what others are saying that don’t align with your values.
* Activity: If you look back, how would you want others to describe you? And then after you’ve just written freely for five minutes, circle the words that stand out for you. It’s a very easy way to find your kind of north star for parenting.
* What are your top three or four values that you really think, if my kid grows up and has a sense of X, y, and Z, I feel like I did the work I needed to do.
* Repair relationships- and forgive yourself when you make mistakes.
* Forcing an apology- meaningless, doesn’t teach you about empathy, just looks like it’s a good thing but it isn’t.
* You can ask yourself like, am I welcoming the feeling? Okay, I’m naming it. You’re feeling this way. You can validate that feeling. And also all behaviors are not welcome. So okay. We can’t, that’s not something I can let you do, even if you’re feeling this way.
* Problem? (1) Name what is observed. (2) What can you do to make things better? (3) I did something that hurt someone else. Not shaming. You did something hurtful. What can you do to make someone feel better? Expand empathy. Might be delayed for a day.
* Recurring: What is setting them up to fail? Maybe not ready for that situation? Throwing sand- not ready for the sand box. Prep in advance. “Remember we keep the sand in the sandbox. We can’t throw it at other people, when we want to throw it, throw it outside of the bucket into the sandbox.”
* Get comfortable, “you’re not ready for that.”
* Parent for the long haul. What do you want for your child to learn for the long haul?
* This is such a long game. These little minutia moments are not meaningful themselves. They’re just laying the groundwork for wiring a different way of responding. And so it’s just so nice to remember- this is a moment. It didn’t go well- we have many other ones. And if our response continues to be in that north star area of this is aligned with my hopes and dreams for this child, I think it works out.
* Big thing lift from parents- is it is so hard and also it’s not that complicated.
* So there’s just like the same answer to almost everything is really hard to believe. It’s hard to believe that it’s like validate the feeling, make sure that you’ve taken that breath, validate the feeling and give specific and clear limits that are appropriate for their age and temperament. Containerize – most complicated question or the most simple question and the answer is pretty much the same.
* If parents could believe that challenging feelings are not the end of the world, and that actually knowing that there is temporary as our happy feelings, we would be a lot more confident as parents. That’s such a, that’s such a moment. This there, I just want highlight that, that they’re just as temporary as those good feelings. They can be fleeting.
* In order to raise good humans, we must know ourselves.
* We kind of get so fixated on raising good humans, but really much of work with parents is our own self-regulation. Like, if you want to know how to raise a kid who’s self-regulated, what do you need? What’s the highly correlated environmental influence on self-regulation for kids, whether their parent is self-regulated So I think raising good humans is really like, you know, it’s not really about kids. Oh my gosh. It’s like, okay, raising good adults
Notable Quotables:
“Figure out what ‘raising a good human’ means to you because it’s not going to mean the same thing to everyone. Ask yourself, ‘what’s my North Star?’ What do you want my kids to say about you or your values when they look back on their life? What mattered to me for them and what matters to them?”
* “The best tool in your toolkit is to say nothing. Just take a breath and decide how you want to respond.”
* “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.”
* “This is such a long game. These little minutia moments are not meaningful themselves. They’re just laying the groundwork for wiring a different way of responding. Remember- this is a moment. It didn’t go well- we have many other ones. And if our response continues to be in that north star area and aligned with your hopes and dreams for this child, I think it works out.”
* “The big thing I wish I could lift from parents is ‘it is so hard and also it’s not that complicated.’”
* “The same answer to almost everything is really hard to believe. It can be the most complicated question or the most simple question and the answer is pretty much the same. Take a breath, validate the feeling, and give specific and clear limits that are appropriate for their age and temperament.”
* “In order to raise good humans, we must know ourselves.”
* “Raising good humans–it’s not really about kids. It’s raising good adults. Raising ourselves because we are a work in progress.”*
Raising good humans, according to Dr. Aliza Pressman, is not really about kids. It’s raising good adults. Listen in and find out exactly how we can all raise good humans on the How to #talktokids about Anything podcast!
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Resources:
DrAliza.com
Mount Sinai Parenting Center website
IG: @RaisingGoodHumansPodcast
FB: Dr. Aliza W. Pressman
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How to Talk to Kids about Money Values, Spending & GivingThis podcast focuses on teaching kids and talking to kids about money values and money mindset. How do we help kids to understand how to save, spend and give? What money stories and money beliefs are we passing forward and what do we want them to learn or relearn? And how do we leave a money legacy that sets them up for success? Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks with Chelsea Brennan during this money episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
Special Guest: Chelsea BrennanMany parents believe that money is another taboo topic that we just don’t discuss. After all, there is a lot of emotion, status, privilege and judgment tied up with money that make it a topic that can be triggering to many. But when you think about it- where are kids learning about money these days? Many only see the swipe of a credit card & the magic of online shopping- where we press some buttons and we walk out with stuff—or better yet, it appears at our door or in our mailbox! We know this isn’t how it works- and it’s important to teach our kids about money- what we value, what we might be saving for, what we choose to spend money on, which charities we may give money to and what seems frivolous, unnecessary or even counter-productive. But how do we talk to our kids about our family money values, goals and choices- and how can we help set them up with the knowledge, skills and understanding so that they know how to handle money when they need to make important financial decisions later in life? Today we’ll talk to Chelsea Brennan for some answers.
BIO
Chelsea Brennan is the founder of Smart Money Mamas and its monthly membership community, the Motivated Mama Society. An ex-hedge fund manager turned financial educator, she is dedicated to changing the way we talk about money, helping moms connect with all aspects of their money in a way that lets them overcome emotional blocks, identify what they most want, and create the healthy money habits that help them achieve their biggest goals– All while modeling positive money relationships for the next generation. Chelsea lives in Connecticut with her husband (a rockstar stay-at-home dad) and two young and energetic boys.
Important Messages:
* We all have baggage around money. There’s a great deal of emotion when it comes to money. We can get a fight or flight response from dealing with it!
* Think about biases so we don’t inadvertently pass them on to our kids.
* Questions: Dive into your money memory—ie., how did you feel when your mother/brothers came to borrow money from you? What language did your dad have with you when you found the money on the ground? It’s those little pieces of the puzzle that builds the whole picture.
* Generational story: What do we pass on? “We are a family who never has money. We never have enough. Every time I have some money, someone takes it, an emergency.” We internalize the narrative. Even if we don’t consciously recognize it, our brain is looking for reasons to prove that story.
* Most core money memories are set around age 7. We get curious about money. Compare. We hear things from parents. One little statement- in our child’s brain- can make a big impression and we go on for decades looking for ways to prove that narrative.
* We want to understand our narrative because it might be contradictory to our other values! We want to pass on values we truly appreciate and believe in.
* Family Money Values:
+ (1) What do we stand for? Family time? Philanthropy? Education? Travel? Do this first- because every time we sit down with money, we are voting with our dollars. We are putting in our time, effort and money into the world. When we are clear of values we can take more agency over how we spend our money.
+ (2) When we are clear on our family values, when child asks for toy that is against the declared values (i.e. violent video game), when we develop a narrative of what is most important to us as a family, it’s not just saying no, it’s referring to value—“remember we talked about our top value as ________, I don’t think this aligns with ________ value. How do you think this fits in with who we are as a family?
* Family Money Values sheet. Education, curiosity, environmentalism.
* Core money beliefs- also need to have partner voice his money values and history.
* “We talk about money at our Friday night meeting.” You know the time and place so it gets covered but isn’t triggering.
* What is your history of money? How do you want your relationship with money to be?
* “We have the skills and resources to make all the money we’ll ever need.”
* Security seeker. Want a feeling of abundance so that you aren’t always seeking- you have all the money you’ll ever need. Pass that on to children.
* “When we save for the future, we are protecting our future selves.” Thinking forward is hard for little kids! Saving feels like taking money away from kids—so explain it this way! “We are saving money for our future selves.” “Next time you are in the store, you will be able to buy XYZ because you will have already saved.”
* Charity. Want their kids to be generous.
* Give kids agency over their money.
* What matters to our children? In the beginning, you can just make your charity a “share jar” so that they can buy something for a friend or if a friend forgets to bring money for something and they want to buy for their friend. Share with the people they love. This is an entre point! It lets kids experience the one-on-one interaction of giving and the joy that comes from giving. Kids really need something tangible.
* The second part is allowing your children to pick something that they love- that aligns with what they love. For example, giving to animal rescues (World Wildlife Rescues)
* Allowance can be a teaching tool: A tool to teach them about money- rather than docking pay for work. Consistency is the most important thing.
* I want it to be a given that they help around the house. Change gender norms in homes to make sure both boys and girls help.
* Entrepreneurship is important for kids too.
* Things we don’t say. We never say “I can’t afford that.” We can say; “we are prioritizing something else right now” or we ask; “How do you think we can afford that now?” Pose as question so that every time they need money, they know they have choices.
* Pay attention to when your kids asks for the next big thing- or they get really interested in something. Electric guitar. LEGO set. Skateboard. “How do you think you can get the money to afford that?” Not every kid is going to be entrepreneurial- some will wait for allowance.
* We live in a world where there are a lot of options for kids to make money.
* Lots of youtube videos on kids who have businesses- 60 second docs. Isn’t this cool? What do you think? (i.e. selling bow ties, lip gloss)
* How much do you give for your allowance? A dollar an age? This depends on your personal situation- and this question is loaded with privilege. Every family can give a different amount.
* Older kids- Greenlight or Famzoo debit card system (age 10-13 years old). Physical cash is becoming less and less common. The earlier they can practice digital money and having to pay attention to the number on the screen and not the physical cash, the better.
* One of the benefits of Famzoo and Greenlight is that you can have sub accounts- they can only pay from buckets.
* You get oversight- as they go out into the world- you can get texted in stores.
* Traveling for sports- if they get stuck somewhere- you can automatically send them money when they are in need.
* Budgeting tool: “You need a budget” tool. At 8 years old- budget account for each kid. They can allocate to different categories. What’s most important? Then those are the most important. They can practice allocating into those buckets for those things. Budget money digitally. Powerful lesson.
* Have you shown the kids how you budget? It starts with you. Do you know your numbers? “We have X number of dollars for your activities. Let’s sit down in January (or when they ask), how would you like to spend that money? “I really want to go to that fancy baseball camp and we only have X number of dollars to spend on my activities so I need to save Y amount more of my own money to make this happen.” Set the budget so that you are not saying yes to something you can’t afford and it can give your kids the opportunity to learn how to save and invest in themselves or something they want. Chance to practice choice.
* Around age 12 or 13- turn over clothing allowance to their kid. “I expect you to have shorts and bathing suits for the summer and good clothes for church/temple…but you decide.”
* Lands end method. (Ron Leiber) Not super expensive or not super cheap. How much would we spend if we went to lands end for clothes? Then you set the budget. Your kid might decide to go to the thift store for t-shirts but they want designer jeans- but that’s their money and their choice. The hard part is to let them make mistakes- and then let them sit with it (didn’t buy the jeans and now they are wearing the old ones that are too tight, don’t have money leftover for more t-shirts and they were cheap or stained)- next time they need to plan ahead better or they need to find a way around the problem (i.e. make more money).
* When you have little kids- there are ways to prepare kids for this level of responsibility like go to grocery store- we have 25 dollars for fruit- if we get raspberries, we only get 4 little containers- but if we get apples/oranges, we get a lot more. Once they get to clothing they have more experience.
* Money disparities and privilege- where do you stand? If you have a lot of privilege- need to talk about and expose your children to people of different socioeconomic status- remind them that they don’t have a safe place to sleep, spending time volunteering, how are we helping, how are we changing things?
* Adopt families around Christmas. (Her story about her brother who didn’t know that some people don’t live in a single family house). Creates conversation.
* We often talk about racial segregation but very significantly, across the country, socio economic segregation is still a real big issue. Understand it from experiencing it- magnet schools, volunteer, keep line of communication.
* You don’t need allowance to teach your kids about money. You don’t need to be financially privileged to teach your kids great money lessons. They are watching you and listening to you. How are you handling money and mistakes? Show your own money mindset- even if you aren’t where you want to be yet- don’t get caught in the “we will never be able to afford…” thought-process situation. If your kids see that you have a positive outlook- that will help them to develop a strong money mindset.
* Saving: with all the positive intentions, parents often screw it up. We sometimes put adult saving expectations on our kids. A 7 year old can’t think to when he’s 20 year old. So having him start saving for a car or collage doesn’t make sense (like taking 50% of his money!). He’s getting the lesson that “when I make money, half of it disappears.”
* At 3 or 4 maybe they can save for 3-4 weeks. When they are 8, maybe they can wait 6 months. Then they spend it on what they are saving for! That’s what savings is for- to spend at a later time.
* “Saving doesn’t mean it stays there forever. Saving just means ‘future spending.’ Whether it’s 6 months from now or 3 years- it’s just future spending.
* Print a chart! Kids are visual. See progress. Print it out- color as it goes- then go get it when it’s all colored in. Then their relationship with money is; “if I am patient, I can get things I would never have gotten otherwise.”
* By the time they get to 12, then a car or college makes more sense. Still do buckets- like longer term savings. These are the bigger things you might want in a year or two so let’s put money aside for them.
* SAVINGS GOALS & PRIOROTIES: A savings goal—if you have a savings jar. “This is for when you want to save for something really special that you don’t have enough for in our weekly allowance. You get $5 a week and the LEGO set costs $50, so it’s going to take you a while to save that up. So what if we print a picture of it and post it up, and when you are ready, we can get it together- otherwise we need to prioritize something else right now.”
* Saving- (1) It’s something extra special. (2) You don’t have enough money for it now. (3) How can you get enough money for it in the future? What can we do?
* Allowance jars, sharing page and a saving page. Picture of what they are trying to do at top. Savings sheets. Trackers. Available on the website. Visually get to see chart.
* Sometimes need to take something out of savings to spend on something else. But allows you to see progress even if you have to take money out for necessities. It’s ok as long as you keep moving forward.
* Money legacy. Pass on to kids. (1) Start today and get things under control. (2) Prepare for emergencies and end of life. Proper estate plan. Life insurance. Cared for. Emergency binder- if someone needs to step in- emotionally step in easily. (3) Majority of wealth is gone in one generation or two. We are not passing on the right lessons. The majority of inherited wealth disappears in one generation- what’s leftover disappears in the second generation.
* The most important skill you can teach your kids about money is that they have choice. When they feel stuck, there are more options than they can see in the moment. When we feel stuck- we often freeze. Teach your kids- there is always choice and there are ways to figure it out.
* Start talking to your kids about money. Don’t wait. The sooner we can have intentional conversations- heading off kids filling in with naïve info!
Notable Quotables:
“We have these generational money stories. We internalize the narrative. Even if we don’t consciously recognize it, our brain is looking for reasons to prove that story.”
* “When we are clear on what our values are, we can take more choice and more agency in how we spend our money.”
* “Thinking forward is hard for little kids! Saving can feel like taking money away from kids so we can explain it this way; ‘We are saving money for our future selves….Next time you are in the store, you will be able to buy what you want because you will have already saved.’”
* “Give kids agency over their own money—their opportunity to practice., That’s how we get them excited and that’s how we help them build that lifelong relationship with money for anything that they want to do.”
* “A “Share Jar” allows our children to share with the people they love. This can be an entree point [to charitable giving]! It lets kids experience the one-on-one interaction of giving and the joy that comes from giving.”
* We never say ‘I can’t afford that.’ We can say; ‘we are prioritizing something else right now’ or we can ask; ‘How do you think we can afford that now?’ Pose it as question so that every time they need money, they know they have options and choices.”
* “We live in a world where there are more options to make money- even for kids- than ever before. The lemonade stand is no longer the only option.”
* “Physical cash is becoming less and less common. The earlier our kids can practice digital money and having to pay attention to the number on the screen and not the physical cash, the better.”
* “We often talk about racial segregation but very significantly, across the country, socio economic segregation is still a real big issue. We mostly interact with people of a similar socio-economic status than us so we don’t understand the differences.”
* “You don’t need allowance to teach your kids about money. You don’t need to be financially privileged to teach your kids great money lessons.”
* “Saving doesn’t mean it stays there forever. Saving just means ‘future spending.’
* The majority of inherited wealth disappears in one generation- almost the rest of it disappears in the second generation. We are passing on money but we are not passing on the right lessons to continue to preserve and build that wealth.”
* “The most important skill you can teach your kids about money is that they have choice. When they feel stuck, there are more options than they can see in the moment.”*
The most important skill you can teach your kids about money is that they have choice, says @SmartMoneyMamas on #talktokids podcast. Listen in to get strategies you can use now to teach your kids smart money habits today
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Resources:
* Want some great activity sheets & dinner time money talk conversations cards?? Go to http://smartmoneymamas.com/DrRobyn/
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How to Talk to Kids When Something Bad Happens in the WorldThis podcast will focus on what to do or say to your child when something bad happens in the world. If your child feels anxious about something scary in the news, there are specific ways to help your child calm the brain down, consider the likelihood of a repeat event or a personalized version of the event and even how they can become the helpers. So what can we do to help kids when something bad happened? Listen in and get the strategies you need to have these rich conversations and easy our children’s anxiety.
Special guest: Dawn Huebner, Ph.D
We all want our children to feel safe, secure and engaged in their lives. But when big, bad things happen in the world- from mass shootings to natural disasters to other tragedies detailed on the news and filtered through the adults at the restaurant, the neighbors on the street, the kids on the bus and friends at school- the world can feel a little less safe and secure for many of our children. How can we reserve our kids feelings of optimism, safety, security, strength and that inexplicable feeling that comes with a carefree childhood when scary things happen across the world, across the state or across the street? For this important topic, we turn a second time to past podcast guest, Dr. Dawn Huebner who you’ll remember from our discussion about worry and anxiety and how to help our kids when they worry too much—a great and helpful podcast episode that I urge you to listen to after this one.
Dr. Dawn Huebner is a Clinical Psychologist and Parent Coach specializing in the treatment of anxiety. She is the author of 9 books for children including the perennial best seller, What to Do When You Worry Too Much, and more recent, Outsmarting Worry. Dr. Huebner’s newest book, coming out THIS WEEK called Something Bad Happened, provides support for children learning about big bad things happening the world. Dr. Huebner has been featured on news and information outlets including the TODAY Show, CNN, Parent’s Magazine and more. She maintains a private practice in Exeter, NH.
The podcast provides:
- Under what circumstances should we share bad news with our children
- Dos and don’ts for delivering bad news to children
- How we can acknowledge that bad things happen in the world while still helping kids to feel safe
- What kinds of talks we can have with children before the bad things actually happen
- Strategies to employ when kids are actively feeling scared about the bad thing that happened
- Signs a child might be struggling with the bad news that s/he heard
- Action kids can take once they hear about “the bad thing” that makes them feel more like a helper
- The best way to help our kids cope with hearing about bad things that happen in our world. Important Messages:
- Anxiety is debilitating but actually quite treatable if people learn tricks and skills.
- Fear of unrealistic things has moved to many children being nervous about bad things that actually happen in the world.
- The impulse to want to protect our children is well-placed. And we do, for the most part, want to keep stories of horrible things that are happening from our children, but there are times when we are not fully in control of that- kids hear about things from friends or overhear parents talking or bits and pieces on the news.
- Tell kids about bad things if we want to make a point about something. Disasters about climate change. Or justice. Immigration crisis. Help a child develop a deeper understanding of something that is going on in the world. Empathy.
- Dos and don’ts: Monitor your own reactions! Process your own feelings so you can remain calm. Children look to adults for cues.
- Don’t talk to kids at bedtime about bad things.
- Start with asking kids about what they don’t know. We make assumptions about what they already know—and think they already know something when they don’t or don’t know anything about a topic when they do.
- Script: “A bad thing happened in the _____________, what have you heard about that?”
- News often sensationalized, dramatic language. We need to speak more simply, more neutral. Sometimes kids don’t need to know the details!
- Why are you having the conversation? Broader issue. Give info so that they don’t hear first from friends.
- When a person is feeling anxious, it becomes hard to tolerate uncertainty.
- Script: “Even though the bad thing happened, it’s so unusual. That’s why everyone is talking about it! Here are the protections that are in place…” Don’t do a guarantee.
- (Pretalk ideas) Gain some distance: Start with things that are happening that are far away or things that happened in the past but not now. Geographic buffer. Develop coping tools, resilience so when they are in a more immediate way, they can cope better. Talk of fear and how we move ourselves through coping.
- Many people personalize- what if that bad thing happens to me? Learn how to recognize- just because you are afraid doesn’t mean you are in danger. Danger alarms- feels like imminent danger. Can go off even if we are just afraid. We must help to ground them in the here and now so that they can see and feel that they are, in fact, safe.
- Marble exercise: Make things concrete. Likelihood- plain marbles and swirly marbles. How likely is it to pick you the one swirly marble in a huge jar of plain marbles?
- Teach children how their brains work. Part of your brain pays attention to what might be dangerous. How do you assess if you are actually in danger or not actually in danger. Calm your brain so you can think logically then move to strategies to assess likelihood.
- Child is scared: (1) Start with empathy. Acknowledge that the danger alarm that went off. Don’t be dismissive. (2) Make assessments using logic. (3) Give information about safeguards in place so that they know it’s unlikely for something bad to happen. (i.e. training of pilots, number of flights that nothing bad happens, etc)
- Don’t avoid the thing- the more that we avoid, the more it feels necessary to avoid. Pattern- that as soon as we feel nervous, we back away from the thing that’s making us feel nervous. Don’t foster that avoidance. Help children move into situations that are safe that make them feel nervous.
- Children having a rough time: Normal to have a reaction to hear bad news. Give time. But those who are continuing to struggle (signs: changes in appetite, mood, sleep, constant reassurance), seek professional guidance. More typically- shaken, normalize. Point out helpers.
- Tip: What can the child do to help? Take action. Be on the side of the helpers. Participate in a march, collect, write a letter.
- Bystander: witnesses or hears about something bad that has happened. Are you contributing? A bystander can do nothing or a bystander can take positive action. Feeling of empowerment- can still make a difference. Move out of helplessness and fear to strength.
- We want to teach our children that they can be active agents in their own lives. Kids can be active agents- they can take a feeling and do something about it. When sad or scared, they can take positive steps that help themselves and help the world.
- Strategy: Teach kids to talk to themselves and say “I am safe.” Older children can remind self- just because they are scared doesn’t mean they are in danger.
- Complete this sentence- “When something bad happens in the world, the best way to help our kids is: “to talk about it.”
- We want our children to be resilient- that they can face and cope with adversity. When they have these conversations, they start to gain resilience. It’s possible to have these conversations- children want to have these conversations and understand the world around them.
Notable Quotables:
“It’s important for parents to talk to kids about bad things that kids are likely to hear about from friends, overhear bits and pieces of from parents or pick up on from the news. We also want to tell our children about examples of bad things that are happening that are illustrative of a point that we want to make—climate change, immigration crisis- as a way to talk about a particular issue and help a child develop a deeper understanding of the world that we live in and develop empathy.”
* “Children look to adults for cues about how to feel about things, how dangerous a situation is, so the more a parent can be on top of their own emotion reaction things, when possible, the better.”
* “When a person is feeling anxious about something, it becomes really difficult for them to tolerate uncertainty. Anxious children who hear about bad things happening, often want to know for sure, that the bad thing is not going to happen to them. As tempting as it is to give blanket reassurance, it’s not the most useful thing to do because kids know that their parents can’t be making a guarantee. What parents can and should do is talk about how very rare these catastrophes are instead.”
* “One skill that children can be taught is to learn how to recognize that just because they are afraid doesn’t mean that they are actually in danger.”
* “When we become afraid of something, we want to avoid that thing—and the avoidance actually strengthens that fear because the more we avoid, the more it feels necessary to avoid”
* “It’s incredibly helpful to talk to a child about what they can be doing in a positive kind of way–what a child and family might do to be on the side of the helpers in the world. Taking some kind of positive action can be a very empowering thing and it shifts the focus away from the helplessness we feel when we hear about catastrophes to instead, the ways that we can contribute and help.”
* “We want to teach our children that they can be active agents in their own lives. Kids aren’t just victims of their feelings—they can take a feeling that they are feeling and do something about it. It’s another way to show kids that when they’re sad or when they’re scared, they can take positive steps that can both help themselves and help the world.”
* “*Children are really hungry to understand what it is that is happening in the world around them—and are made more anxious by secrets that are kept. The more parents have these conversations with their children about things that might feel difficult for them to talk about the more they’re learning how to do that, the more comfortable they’ll feel with that and the better it is for kids.”
We need to help kids recognize that even though they might feel scared, that doesn't mean they are actually in danger. So- what can we say to kids when something bad happens in the world? We take you step by step on #talktokids podcast.
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Resources:
* DawnHuebnerPhD.com
* Something Bad Happened (book)
* What Happens When We Worry Too Much (book)
* Outsmarting worry (book)
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Talk to Kids When Something Bad Happens in the World with Dawn Huebner, PhD – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids About Outsmarting WorryThis podcast focuses on talking to kids about outsmarting worry.
Special Guest: Dawn Huebner, PhDDo your children or young teens get nervous? Scared? Jittery? Uneasy? Agitated? Stressed out? Well, everyone gets worried sometimes. Some people are able to move through worry fairly easily while others find that worry can get in their way. Does that happen to your kids? In certain situations, it can happen to mine. Some kids worry about school, tests, or where they’re going to sit at lunch. Others worry about bugs or thunder storms, bad dreams or being away from their parents. As an adult, sometimes our kids’ worries seem strange or illogical and we can get frustrated or overwhelmed, annoyed or even worried about their worry. We need some tips and scripts to help our kids tame those jitters- especially when we aren’t there to help the, Well, we are in luck- my next guest is going to help us talk to kids and help kids understand and outsmart worry.
Dawn Huebner, PhD, is the author of the award-winning What to Do When You Worry Too Much, the brand new Outsmarting Worry, and 6 other books for children that have been translated into 21 languages and are nearing the 1 million mark in sales. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, WebMD, Parents Magazine and other news and media outlets. Dr. Huebner gave a TEDx talk on Re-Thinking Anxiety, and is a popular speaker for both parenting and professional groups. She is based in Exeter, NH, where she specializes in the treatment of anxious children and their parents.
The podcast provides:
- Why anxiety can be so illogical
- How anxieties grow and become fears- whose fault is this?
- How you get a child to do something s/he is afraid to do
- Why it’s not enough to simply reassure a child
- How we can help a child to manage anxiety differently
- How breathing can help- and why children are often resistant to it.
- Scripts: What to say to help your child outsmart worry
- How to support our children and help them outsmart worry
- Are there ways to prevent worry before they start? Can we prepare? Important Messages:
- Anxiety might feel illogical to someone—but makes sense to the anxious person who feels what might happen…will happen.
- Anxious brains over estimate the probability that something might happen—and how serious it will be.
- Safety behaviors: When our brain makes an imprint of all of the details around a situation when a person feels that they may be hurt—or if they actually got hurt. It helps us remember the details. It’s protective. It’s a good thing- but it can generalize too broadly. An alarm goes on in our head when those details arise- even if it’s not anxious.
- When an anxious child gets nervous, a danger alarm gets pulled in her head and she isn’t able to think clearly. She can’t access the details that usually can—the things that are in place that keep her safe. So they might avoid or assurance-seeking. It then locks those things into place- and then the child feels these things are necessary—the assurance and the avoidance.
- Externalize worry- like it’s a little beast that is trying to scare your child.
- When we reassure our child or help our child avoid what they are scared of, it feeds the worry beast. When we avoid, it strengthens the idea that whatever scares you is actually a danger.
- Name your worry. Teach a child to see it as separate.
- Talk to your children about their fears—and externalize the fear—when they are not in the midst of dealing with an intense worry or panic.
- This worry beast- this personified being- pulls an alarm in your brain to make you think that you’re in danger when you really are not. The more you listen to it as if it’s true, the more you strengthen it. We need to learn to talk back to it and challenge it.
- Get your child’s agreement to push back against their worry.
- Exposure can help- to help tolerate the thing that scares them. It needs to be intentional.
- Safety learning- helps child see, through exposure, that the thing that they were afraid of, is safe.
- Exposure: Doing the things that scare you on purpose without safety mechanisms.
- Exposure is like jumping into a pool and getting used to the water. It’s not scary- it’s uncomfortable.
- Kids can use calming breathing but they should couple it with other strategies like talking back to their worry.
- We can feel a lot of things at once- and we can turn our attention to the positive emotion.
- You can expect that worry will come up.
- Kids know you can’t guarantee that bad things won’t happen- so help them to find a way to tolerate it. Focus on coping and life goes on.
- Talk about being brave- to be afraid and do it anyway.
- Helicopter parenting is not healthy for anxious kids because it validates the fear and tells the children that they are not capable.
- Anxious kids trigger their parents. When they get nervous, parents get panicky because we don’t want our kids to be scared or uncomfortable.
- Worry can disguise itself- so recognize it over time.
- You don’t want to accommodate the worry but you don’t want to be punitive to your child who is going through some anxiety.
Notable Quotables:
“Anxiety is not about what is happening. It’s about what might happen. Children start to think about what bad things could happen and in an anxious brain, possible is the same thing as probable. So if something bad might happen it starts to feel like something will happen! It gets hugely exaggerated- not only the probability but how bad the bad thing is going to be.”
* “Reassurance feeds the worry beast. It helps a child feel better right in the moment but it gives a big hearty meal to this little creature. Then the child becomes dependent on the your reassurance.”
* “Teach children to name their worry and how to see it as ‘separate.’ This way, children can learn to disconnect from their worry, talk back to it, challenge it and disobey it.”
* “The more you listen to your worry as if what it’s saying is true and valid, the more you strengthen it. We need to teach children to talk back to it and challenge it instead.”
* “Through safety learning, children learn through repeated experience that the thing that they were afraid of is actually safe.”
* “Most kids who are not in the moment of anxiety are able to recognize that worry is really causing a lot of trouble.”
* “With worry, we can desensitize or get used to something that is initially uncomfortable for us through exposure. It’s like jumping into a cold swimming pool and getting used to the water. You can either jump in or gradually lower yourself step by step.”
* “Breathing helps to calm the amygdala—the alarm system in the brain. Sometimes that alarm system gets triggered accidently and breathing is one of the helpful ways we can calm that down.”
* “Worry isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Worry happens for important reasons. It alerts us that we need to pay attention. Parents need to talk to kids about the fact that the goal is not to wipe out all worry. The goal is to not let worry stop you from doing things.”
* “We can teach kids that when ‘worry thoughts’ come up, we can shift our attention or change the channel to the more positive emotions we’re feeling at the same time.”
* Expect that worry will come up. Be ready for it and have in mind the steps of what you are going to do: First; recognize it. Second; talk back to it and third; find a way to challenge it. If parents and kids are clear that those are the three steps, then when worry shows up it’s easy to click into those steps.”
* “The bad thing about reassurance is that the bad thing could happen. The things that kids are afraid of could happen. They could get stung by the bee. They could get the teacher who yells. Something could come up when you are away. When you are relying on reassurance, kids know that you don’t have a way of guaranteeing that. It’s important for kids to learn how to tolerate uncertainty—the possibility that a bad thing might happen.”
* “The way kids hear ‘it’s going to be okay’ is that nothing bad is going to happen. We need to be careful that what we’re really saying is; “I have faith in you that you’re going to be able to handle things and there are always helpers around to help you.”
* “One of the single most important things parents can do is pause. Rather than being immediately reactive, I think it’s important for parents to take a moment to calm themselves internally.”
* “Worry is kind of like a cult leader. It tries to get people to obey its rules. Parents need to remember that they are stronger than the worry and they are not going to enter into the cult and they’re not going to allow their child to be a part of that cult.”*
Want to know how to outsmart worry? #DawnHuebner and I discuss how to #talktokids about facing fears on this week's episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything!
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Worry is like a cult leader telling us we have to obey it's rules! Let's teach kids NOT to fall for it. #DawnHuebner and I talk all about how to #talktokids about outsmarting worry in this week's #podcast episode!
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Resources:
http://www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/
Outsmarting Worry (book)
What to do when you worry too much (book)
TedX Talk
How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings and Calming Down Procedures with Dr. Lynne Kenney
The post How to Talk to Kids About Outsmarting Worry with Dawn Huebner, PhD – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids About Differences and InclusionHow do we talk to kids about diversity and inclusion? Beth Leipholtz, inclusion and accessibility advocate discusses what to consider when our own child has a disability as well as how to answer other children’s tough questions about a child’s disability or difference.
Special guest: Beth Leipholtz
How do we talk to kids about children who have differences like spina bifida, fragile X syndrome, autism or who are deaf or blind? Many times when children ask, out of curiosity, about a child’s difference that they see on the playground, at school or in a store, some adults are quick to shush that child out of fear of embarrassing the other child, the other parent or themselves. It can catch us offguard and we may not know what to say. In chapter 5 of my book, which is on talking to kids about diversity and inclusion, I highlight one of my very best friend’s children, Nate, who has Cerebral Palsy and Hydrocephalis, and is now a teen who is happy to tell you about his differences—but it’s not always that way—so how do we talk to our children, when they DO have a difference, about that difference so that they aren’t ashamed and they know that it’s simply part of what makes them who they are– but not all that they are. For this, we are talking to Beth Leipholtz.
Beth Leipholtz is an inclusion and accessibility advocate who believes in creating a more accepting world for our children. As the hearing mother of a deaf child, Beth is raising her son, Coop, bilingually in both hearing and Deaf cultures. She shares her parenting journey on TikTok, YouTube, Facebook and Instagram, where she has built a community of more than 1 million people around disability inclusion. She lives with her family in Minnesota. In addition to spending time with her family, Beth enjoys Minnesota summers, photography, iced Americanos, CrossFit, and a good old-fashioned book. You can follow her online at @beth_and_coop.
Important Messages:
* Start talking to kids about differences at age two or three- kids are really starting to be around their peers more. And asking “why” questions all the time. From a young age, they’re just capable of so much more than we necessarily might think they are.
* Kids asking “why” questions- Why is that child spinning in circles?- in that moment, a lot of parents are, don’t know what to say because they’re worried that they are going to offend somebody or they don’t know what to say because they don’t know the answer. Need to be willing to step up and have the conversation—parent of the child with the disability can sometimes step in. Or look it up when you get home. Need to read the social cues- if the parent or child don’t seem open to questions – maybe we can do a little bit of research on this when we get home and I can try to give you an answer then versus just being like, it’s not the time to ask questions.
* Can also ask your own child- “there are so many different things that, that children might use crutches for. Like, what do you think that a child might use crutches for?” Or “remember your brother broke his leg once, that was a reason why they used crutches. But there are other reasons. Sometimes kids can’t walk and they were born that way.” And being able to then use that kind of language so that they understand that this is, this can be a difference in a variety of ways. “Sometimes it’s temporary, sometimes it’s permanent, sometimes it’s has an extended period of time and then a child learns to walk on their own because their development has been delayed. And that, that would be a time where you could say, if you’re curious about that, then we can, we can look those kinds of reasons up. Why would somebody use crutches? Would you wanna be able to do that?” So even if it’s not specific to that child, it can be the impetus to talk about something more globally and, and get that child on board.
* Being able to just relate things back to what they know is kind of like one of the main things that I like to mention too. I mean, a lot of kids, you know, know what glasses are. They know that they help you see, and that’s not something that they like question that often. And so when I do see kids, you know, wondering what’s on Cooper’s head or what, you know, what’s going on, I like to say, you know, “they’re kind of like glasses, but for his ears, like, glasses help you see, and these help them hear.” And more often than not, that’s the perfectly acceptable answer and they get it. And it’s simple enough for the younger kids, but you know, then you have the like kind of eight to 12 age range where like they want to know more, they wanna understand how it works. Yes. And so I think it really depends on the, the age of the child that you’re talking to as well.
* “Bu why did this happen?” A child may ask of themselves. “Something is in your DNA,” which I talk about in my book too, and explain it in like a kid friendly way is a little bit different. And that’s why you can’t hear, but mom can. But I think it’s instilling that confidence too to be like, “this is who I am, this is what these are.” And you know, that’s, he’s a very confident spirited kid on his own. So I think that plays into it as well. But it’s something that I’m mindful of too, just knowing that he will have to answer questions.
* For school-age children. When the kids are younger, the kids aren’t embarrassed of you yet, go into the school tp present about it and answer questions. Kids can then learn the logistics of it, the knowledge of it, the child being able to explain like when these are attached to my head I can hear. And when they aren’t, I can’t. And like I said at age, again, elementary schoolers find that so neat. It’s like a superpower almost.
* As you shift into those hard middle school years and high school years, and just thinking back to that myself, I think there’s a lot more room for people to be cruel and make differences into a bad thing instead
* We have a couple other kids in the district that are older and have cochlear implants as well that, you know, the kids maybe know, or their siblings of other people. So it’s, you can kind of remind them like, “Hey, you remember so-and-so and how he hears this way, Cooper has that too.”
* When you state it outright you’re almost taking away the power of somebody else. Owning it.
* I think in the beginning I struggled a lot because I felt like, not to say that it wasn’t a big deal, but I felt like I was almost minimizing it for myself that Cooper was deaf thinking. Like, okay, there’s other children out there who have these like, you know, cancer and illnesses and like these things that are worse. I kept saying that these are worse. And I’ve had to come to realize like, yes, maybe something else is more serious in a different way, but when you’re not expecting something and it rocks your world, it’s still your worst. And you know, in retrospect I can obviously say that I wouldn’t change it for the world, but in the moment, I needed to realize that and let myself feel all those feelings.
* The next most helpful thing that I did was to research and educate and figure out like what these different communication methods looked like. And for me the most helpful thing was connecting with other parents on social media who were raising deaf children either using sign language or cochlear implants or both. And it really is such a gift that we have social media to be able to connect with these real humans who have, you know, are raising their own little humans going through these same things. Right. And I think that was just honestly, my saving grace was, you know, there were all these people so close to me, my own family and my husband and, but we were all kind of going through it together and not really like being able to stand up and see the other side of it yet. It was scary and new and I needed somebody on the other side of it like that.
* How good is it to have other, other parents, you know, mothers uplifting, other mothers, fathers, uplifting other fathers. It’s just, that is, that is really good advice
* Tip: I talk about everything all the time. Yes. And narrate everything. And I think that’s why Cooper’s speech has developed as well as it has because I just talk constantly., I talk about the grass is green, I talk about it in the car on the way home and say like, you know, oh, did you see that little girl that had glasses just like you? And relate those things back even when it’s not something in that specific moment.
* Not discounting, just because of their age or because Cooper does lean so much unspoken language that sometimes I feel like when I’m using sign language. And then he’ll turn around two days later and he’ll know the sign for it. Yes. Even though I thought he wasn’t paying any attention, it clearly was, you know, sinking in.
* You talk and you talk and you talk and you’re like, this did not sink in. And then like a couple days later I have teenagers and at this point, oh and pre-teen and, and teenager and and it’s like all of a sudden she’s telling her friend, like advising her friend in the same way I advised her like two weeks before and I was just like, huh!
* Talking about everything is like the is perfect for us, right? Like, it, it makes it so much easier. But I wanna just pull out something that you said and highlight it that while we’re talking about differences, yes we’re talking about the difference, but we’re also trying to talk about what makes us similar so that the child sees, yes, there are these differences, but there’s also these things that are the same. And I feel like in your book you do this too, even in these little tiny paragraphs about each child and how that, how they are different that you say things, you could see that the child is, is doing art, that they like to, line up things by color or these are things that other kids may relate to. So I like the idea of yes, highlighting the difference, but also highlighting some similarities.
* When reading the book to Cooper is so funny because he’ll just, he’ll, open the page about like Phoenix who has diabetes and he’ll be like, oh, he’s coloring and he has red and blue and green. And he like doesn’t even see the differences- that’s what I’ve encountered a lot with kids too. Like, I thought kids would have so many more questions about what is on Cooper’s head and more times than not, they just are like interested in something else completely that he’s doing.
* You might sometimes see kids make the connection later- “Hey, remember that kid. I found certainly with my kids because we read about everything when the kids were little and there was every topic I felt like we were talking about. And the first time or the second time it was so much like that- there may be more questions, or I remember reading one book with with my children and then it had to have been two years later that we met a child that was like the child in the book that’s like that child, you know, remember that book? And you go, ha, look at that! That worked.
* So, you know, I think your book really does provide such a, a, a starting point for kids that there are all these differences and that you may be able to say, oh, remember Phoenix in the book that he had diabetes now, oh, now your cousin just got diagnosed with diabetes. Then you, you know, you start to do that sim those similarities. So that’s really neat.
* Will you finish this sentence for me? In order to create a more accepting world for all of our children, we must…Talk about hard things.
* See, that’s, that’s my wheelhouse. I agree with you. When we don’t talk about it, that’s when the walls go up. Right. I mean, that’s when we wind up with fear, we wind up with all these unknowns we wind up showing and telling our child we shouldn’t talk about that. Like, don’t even look that way. Right. And, and that can be really concerning. Would you agree?
* I think that just instills the whole shame and hiding things. And like down the road if you know something happens and your child is in that position, they then think it’s something to be hidden and shamed.
* And I think just being open and, you know, having those hard conversations and sometimes they are gonna be hard. I mean, if it’s something somebody close to you is diagnosed with cancer and it’s a child and you have to figure out how to navigate that and answer questions from your child, like yes, are they gonna die? Like the really deep questions Yes. That I, for me, I’ve never tried to hide my emotions from Cooper and I’ve taken some heat for that as well. Like, “he shouldn’t see you cry that hard.” But he also is developing so much empathy by seeing a parent who shows him how they’re feeling and explains it and apologizes when she needs to. And I think that there’s a lot more benefits to be had in handling things that way with every range of emotion versus none at all.
* When we’re showing kids that it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be really upset, it’s okay to be really angry and, and express these things in ways that convey the emotion without hurting other people. These are a really important skills.
* There’s not an age that you need to wait until to start talking. You might have to adjust how you talk about it, but kids are just sponges. And obviously as he grows up and his language acquisition grows and his ability to really comprehend and ask questions grows, like my responses and my explanations are going to have to change as well.
* it’s so fun to watch your kids learn. I never understood that before I became a parent. Like when you see those wheels move and connect and they’re able to like bring an ideal for, and I can’t talk idea full circle, it’s just so neat to like see that every, everything firing like that. And I think that’s why I love having these conversations with him already because I can tell that in the future they’re going to just keep getting better and maybe part of that is harder too, but you know, he’s going to be a well-rounded and kind and compassionate and empathetic human and that’s what I want.
Notable Quotables:
* + - “[When your child has a disability] you might find yourself saying that ‘it could be worse; cancer and illnesses and other things. And yes, maybe something else is more serious in a different way, but when you’re not expecting something and it rocks your world, it’s still your worst. And in retrospect I can obviously say that I wouldn’t change it for the world, but in the moment, I needed to let myself feel all those feelings.”
- “Keep narrating what you see. You might think your child isn’t paying attention, a few days later, you’ll realize, he clearly was!”
- “In order to create a more accepting world for all of our children, we must talk about hard things.”
- “[Not talking about hard things] just instills shame and hiding things. And down the road if you know something happens and your child is in that position, they then think it’s something to be hidden and shamed.”
- “I think that there’s a lot more benefits to be had in showing our kids range of emotion versus none at all.”
- “There’s not an age that you need to wait until to start talking. You might have to adjust how you talk about it, but kids are just sponges.”
- “It’s so fun to watch your kids learn. I never understood that before I became a parent. When you see those wheels move and everything firing like that. And I think that’s why I love having these conversations with him already because I can tell that in the future they’re going to just keep getting better and maybe part of that is harder too, but you know, he’s going to be a well-rounded and kind and compassionate and empathetic human.”
In order to create a more accepting world for all of our children, says @beth_leipholtz, we must talk about hard things. Listen in to our conversation on #talktokids podcast about her new book on kids and inclusion!
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Resources:
* BethandCoop.com
* Book: ABC’s the Inclusion
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Talk to Kids About Differences and Inclusion with Beth Leipholtz appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Raise Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety This podcast focuses on how to raise resilient, self-reliant and secure kids in an age of anxiety. The most common health disorders among children are mental health disorders. That’s 17 million children! We must help children cope with stress and learn from their mistakes—and we can do this through scaffold parenting. Scaffold parenting is a framework based on structure, support and encouragement. Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks to Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, founding president and medical director at the Child Mind Institute and author of the new book, The Scaffold Effect, on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
Special guest: Dr. Harold Koplewicz
Many of us, as parents, teachers, coaches and mentors in the lives of children are having issues coping with the complications and frustrations that the pandemic has brought upon our lives. But just imagine what the children are going through. Even before the pandemic started, the rates of childhood anxiety and depression were skyrocketing– with one in five children under the age of eighteen diagnosed with a mental health disorder. In fact, more kids are affected by mental illness than asthma, peanut allergies, diabetes, and cancer combined. During the pandemic, numbers are rising- and post pandemic, those numbers are expected to climb even higher. How can we raise resilient, self-reliant and secure kids in an age of anxiety? My next guest will impart that the sweet spot, for raising resilient, self-advocating kids who can cope with stress and learn from their mistakes is scaffold parenting—a framework that posits that parents are the scaffold that provides the structure and support for the child as he or she grows up. Parents are there to protect and guide but not to impede learning or positive risk-taking.
Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, is one of the nation’s leading child and adolescent psychiatrists. The founding president and medical director of the Child Mind Institute in New York City and San Mateo, California, he has been repeatedly named in America’s Top Doctors, Best Doctors in America, and New York magazine’s Best Doctors in New York. He has appeared on Today, CBS News, CNN, The Oprah Winfrey Show, and Anderson Cooper 360°, and he is quoted regularly in the New York Times, USA Today, and The Wall Street Journal. Dr. Koplewicz is the author of the new book, The Scaffold Effect. He lives with his wife in New York City.
Important Messages:
* We have the ability to make things better or worse as parents- we can make it better by being a scaffold. We need to look at structure (routines, rules), support (financial, emotional, validation, empathy- process difficult feelings), encouragement (push out of the comfort zone where they can learn, but not too hard that they enter the danger zone.)
* Parenting burnout comes from lack of self-care- we need to tend to ourselves first- especially during Covid when it feels intense and we are constantly running a marathon.
* SELF CARE: What can we do to help ourselves get through Covid when we feel so restricted- start with sleep. Put on different clothes than what we slept in in order to start our day. Have good meals- eat breakfast and dinner together if you can. Get some routine. Exercise. Go for a walk for 20 minutes. Get a flush of new blood into the brain. Your heart is a pump! Mindfulness also helps. Be with your thoughts. Don’t fight the bad thoughts. Get away from other people’s garbage. Be grateful in front of your child- because then you are being grateful in front of yourself.
* Gratitude- brings you away from “the sky is falling” and the political divisiveness, financial issues and helps you remember the good. Adds more gas in the tank.
* Part of what’s in parents’ DNA is to want to just “fix” things instead of support kids in doing it themselves.
* Negative tracking- problematic. Be aware. Can I say 3 things that are positive about my child before I give them a negative that needs to be corrected? Also, understand confirmation bias. Do you have a “good kid” and a “bad kid” or a “lazy kid” and a “productive kid?” Watch these labels. The “bad kid” can’t get out of the box. The “good kid” feels anxious. When we give a child a negative label, it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. When we change that, they can rise to the occasion- room to grow. This takes time and some work. Kids won’t notice it in the beginning but after a while they are pleased that mom and dad are catching them being good. Label the good. “I’m really impressed with how hard you worked studying for the algebra test.” Not just “good job.”
* Criticism: We want our kids to be better. We don’t want them to be hurt when they show behavior that’s seen in a negative way. “I’m not sure you’ve been studying as effectively as possible. I know you didn’t want a tutor, but I think we need someone who is a better teacher than me or you- someone who will give you more attention than your regular teacher.” Disappointed for the child.
* Sometimes let it go. Insignificant behaviors that need active ignoring. Take deep breaths and let it go. If I want to be able to talk to them about the content of our conversations, or you have a probing question, you have to let the little things go.
* Need warmth and connection- but also need dispassion when trying to not make a big deal about something. Can’t match their emotions- you can be empathetic but not matching when trying to help. Allow your pain to take a back seat.
* A child may not be the same as you- so you need to be patient if the trait is important to you- and give the tools.
* How do you validate kids without escalating? Recognize that they are intense as teens. Not always thinking- pre-frontal cortex is changing. Don’t minimize. “Oh, that’s not so bad.” Have warmth and empathy. Validate but don’t get swept away. Empathy. “This sucks. And it’s worse for you than it is for me.” Required to help support the building but not fix it.” Give structure but don’t tell your child he has to be something that he doesn’t want to be. Instead, ask questions- show curiosity!
* “Once the scaffold goes down, like our children go off to college, if we’ve done the job correctly, our children know when to put the scaffold back.”
* The sex talk doesn’t have to be done all at the same time- it’s not just one talk. Answer the questions and then wait for more.
* Speak honestly to your child and answer his or her questions so that later on that child isn’t embarrassed to come back to you and ask more.
* Sex talk is more than just one thing. Opportunity- intimacy, reciprocity, making someone else feel good and allowing them to make you feel good.
* Many girls feel pressure to do it because the boy wants to do it- not recognizing while we
* all have rules, it’s about trust, feeling good, about boundaries.
* Don’t turn into the college professor giving a lecture!
* Big talks: Drugs, sex, politics. We all come with biases.
* Marijuana- can have a negative effect on kids with ADHD and anxiety. Panic attacks. Why are you so opposed in particular in young brains?
* We lose our influence during the teen years- but yet we are the most influential. Learn ethics from parents. What is important to you? I want you to know how I feel- it does have influence!
* It’s normal to want to protect our children- we don’t want them to get hurt or be embarrassed but there is a need to push them out of the comfort zone and into the growth zone. We do it slowly. “That was brave.” “That was important.” Encourage even if fall off. Reinforce for taking those brave steps.
* Bravery is remembered! Can impact others in a positive way. What would have been the worst thing that could have happened? Can be transformative for that child. The more children take positive risks, the more confidence they will have in taking positive risks.
* If you protect your child too much, he’s going to be a hot-house orchid. He’s not going to be a sky-scraper, or a ranch or a split level or anything. He’s going to have to be so tenderly cared for that there is no resilience.
* Don’t be so hard on yourself. Especially now. Important to know children’s assets and deficits. But even more so, right now, being more tolerant of our own deficits and our own limitations. Take the long view. This is a tough time. Be kind to yourself. This will do wonders to becoming a good parent.
* So many losses right now. Losing people- but also loss of time with others, going to school, going to work, etc. We will get through this.
Notable Quotables:
+ - “During Covid, it feels like you are in a marathon that is muddy—and not just slippery muddy- it’s muddy up to your knees where you think; ‘I can’t do this. I need a second wind, a third wind…I hate marathons!”
- “Once a week be grateful in front of your child because then you are being grateful in front of yourself.”
- “Self-care puts a little more gas in the tank so that parents have some energy. If they don’t have energy, they can’t stand up so they can’t scaffold their kids.”
- “Part of parents’ DNA is to want to fix things. It’s not a scaffold, it’s ‘let me just get the plaster and the brick and let me fix it’ which really isn’t good for kids.”
- “Confirmation bias is something that parents do that we have to stop. “This is the good kid, this is the bad kid, this is the lazy kid.” If we do this, it really presents a problem because the ‘bad kid’ can’t get out of the box and the ‘good kid’ feels anxious that they are going to fail the parent and no longer be good.”
- “It’s essential if you want to change the blueprint, then I have some hard work to do.”
- “For some kids, it can be hard to catch them doing something good, especially if they are very rambunctious or hyperactive- but still, there is plenty of good to be caught.”
- “Talk to your kids like you are talking to a colleague. You wouldn’t be as rough with a colleague as sometimes, we are with our kids.”
- “Being a Scaffold Parent is work. Drawing a new blueprint is work. But G_d, is it worth it!”
- “Remember, adolescents are either burning or freezing. They are very rarely just warm. They hate you, they love you. They are speaking a slightly different language and their brains are different than a child’s brain or an adult brain.”
- “As a parent, I am required to help support the building, but not fix it.”
- “I realized that my child was going to be a skyscraper and I wanted a ranch.”
- “Allow your children to change the blueprint for themselves…the scaffold has to follow.”
- “Once the scaffold goes down, like our children go off to college, if we’ve done the job correctly, our children know when to put the scaffold back.”
- “If you protect your child too much, he’s going to be a hot-house orchid. He’s not going to be a sky-scraper, or a ranch or a split level or anything. He’s going to have to be so tenderly cared for that there is no resilience.”
- “The key to raising resilient, self-reliant and secure kids is patience, encouragement, warmth, awareness and acceptance of ourselves that we, as parents, will make mistakes and in the same way as we have to bounce back and try again is the model that we have to show our kids.”*
Part of parents’ DNA is to want to fix things, says @DrKoplewicz of @ChildMindInst. It’s not a scaffold, it’s ‘let me just get the plaster, the brick & let me fix it’ which isn’t good for kids. Listen in on #TalktoKids podcast
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Resources:
* Book: The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety
* ChildMind.org
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Raise Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety with Dr. Harold Koplewicz – Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Being Sensitive in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much WorldThis podcast will focus on how we can support our highly sensitive children in a world that is often loud, fast and overwhelming for them. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Jenn Granneman of Introvert, Dear.
Guest Expert: Jenn Granneman
Do you have a sensitive child? Or, perhaps you are the sensitive one having been told your whole life, “you’re too sensitive!” “shake it off!” or “you’ve got to toughen up!” Well, no more. Did you know that nearly 1 in 3 people are highly sensitive individuals? And while sensitivity has its challenges at times—it also provides some beautiful gifts. How do we talk to and support our sensitive kids? And if we are the ones who are sensitive, how do we raise a child in a loud, often overstimulating world? For this, we turn to our next guest, Jenn Granneman.
Jenn Granneman is the founder of the world’s largest online community for introverts, IntrovertDear. An educator, journalist, and the author of The Secret Lives of Introverts, she has been featured in HuffPost, the Washington Post, the BBC, Oprah Daily, Buzzfeed, Glamour, and more, as well as numerous podcasts. She has a new book out called Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World
Important Messages:
* You can be an extroverted, sensitive person, and research shows that about 30% of sensitive people are extroverted. So that leaves 70% being introverted. There’s a lot of overlap between introversion and sensitivity. There are differences, there are similarities.
* If you’re a sensitive person, everything you experience affects you more, but you do more with it. So you’re more in tune with your environment. You’re more in tune with people. Sensitive people are actually very specifically wired in their brains to be very in tune with other people, those social and emotional cues. So a sensitive person might be the one who notices that there’s a hint of blue in the gray color on the wall, or the sensitive person might be the one who hears that ticking of the clock that no one can hear, and that ticking drives them crazy like it would for me. But sensitive people are also the ones who notice just a, a quick flash of an expression on someone’s face before it disappears. They might notice what someone else seems to be feeling or what they seem to be needing. So sensitive people are really perceptive to everything going on around them, which is an amazing superpower. But as you can guess, it creates challenges.
* Sensitive people are really perceptive to everything going on around them, which is an amazing superpower. But as you can guess, it creates challenges too.
* Sensitive people tend to be our best human body language decoders.
* You might be a sensitive person, if you’ve ever had the experience of maybe your spouse or your kid coming home after a tough day at work or school, and they don’t say anything to you, but you can just tell by looking at them that something happened.
* When you’re sensitive, everything affects you more, but you do more with it. So when everything affects you more, that means the stress, the anxiety, the hardship, the struggle of life. Those things can affect you more. You can hurt more from them. Get drained more too.
* You can embrace your sensitivity while also stepping out of your comfort zone. They do need to learn how to be in an environment that might be taxing on their system, but they also need to learn that it’s okay to say no to those things. They also need to learn that it’s okay that they have the reactions that they have and the feelings that they have. And then they need to learn that it’s okay to have that downtime that they need afterward to recover from that event.
* Someone who is sensitive can have sensory intelligence, depth of processing, depth of emotion, creativity and empathy, and, which was certainly being able to pick up on other people’s feelings is, is a wonderful skill.
* First step is to embrace that sensitivity. We need to teach our kids that it’s okay to be sensitive. It’s a superpower. It’s something that can give them a huge advantage in life if they embrace it. And then we need to, to teach them how to deal with those challenges, or what we like to call the cost of sensitivity in our book. And that includes that overstimulation that they might feel in a loud environment or just that tiredness that they feel after a busy day. You know, there, there are a lot of kids that come home after school and they just want to sit and relax because just the day alone was draining for them. If they were, if they’re a sensitive person, that was certainly me when I was a kid. I had to go and close my bedroom door and just relax and recover for a bit.
* Moving from empathy to compassion, which is a more positive, proactive emotion that is still beautiful and helpful. It’s actually more helpful to the people around you, because when we’re taking on everybody’s burdens through empathy, while we’re feeling sad too, and we might not be in a place that we can actually help or make a difference for the other person, but compassion says, I’m here for you. Let’s make it about you, not me.
* Don’t say, “calm down” or “shake it off” or “you’re too sensitive.”
* Don’t tell them to calm down in that moment, but help them to calm down.
(1) Accept and embrace the sensitivity. (2) Help them understand the way they were wired. Help them understand it’s okay if they feel tired or drained or overwhelmed at a loud birthday party. Maybe they feel a little anxious going in because they don’t know what’s going to happen. And that can be, that can be a big anxiety trigger for sensitive people just not knowing what’s going to happen. (3) Create a situation where it’s easy for them to leave if they need to—like a signal. Or plan on the hour. (4) Make a plan. You might say, “we’re going to a party at so-and-so’s house. If you start to get overstimulated, you know, if you’re feeling like overwhelmed, you can always go into Charlotte’s room. Yes. and they, you know, they said that’s completely fine to just get away from the noise for a while. If you wanna play with the figurines or whatever that you like to in Charlotte’s room, you know, something like that might be, if you already know the place and the other parent, it might be a way to, to ease that because they have their escape already planned.
* Help them to see when they are going to reach that point of overstimulation before they reach it and go tumbling over the edge of it. when they’re older too, it’s important to notice and help your child become aware of that when they’re just standing on the edge of overstimulation so that they can stop and step back and take a break before it gets to be too much.
* Powerful questions: Where are you feeling it? Is your heart starting to be, you know, heavy? Are your hands starting to sweat? Are you feeling something in your face? Are you feeling your, your mouth clench? What is happening right then? So that once they notice the signs within their own body, they may know, oh, this might be that time to take that walk. Would that help? That type of situation?
* Janine Halleran. She does a lot of coping mechanisms with kids for things like when you’re stressed what to do and talks about a bunch of different ways that you might do this with a child. And it all, it will be different for each child, whether it’s their way of coping is physical pounding on Play-Doh, you know, pounding on a drum, running, doing jumping jacks, that kind of thing might be very sensory oriented where you’re swaddling yourself with a blanket and you’re listening to music. There might be specific calming techniques like deep breaths, meditation thinking about your favorite place. So I would imagine that it would be helpful for the parent and the child to kind of figure out what would work for that child. What do you want here in this sanctuary? Like if you want your cuddly teddy bear or your, or your blanket, you know, what makes you feel safe and really good and calm? What makes you feel more calm and less overstimulated? So would you agree that that how we approach it may depend on what really works for our child and that’s what would go in that sanctuary?
* So what are some phrases that we can teach our child to say when they need to set a boundary? I need to take a break. I need to go to the bathroom. I’m gonna go take a walk. Communicates to the people around you that you just need a break. I just need to go alone. I just need to go take the break alone. I’m not mad. I just need a break. I’ll be back in 10 minutes or what, you know, however long you might be back in.
* Don’t want to go somewhere with a friend: I can’t do that, or that just doesn’t work for me, or that’s not okay with me. You can also just say no and leave it at that.
* Five your children an out—Blame me! Parents can say “blame me” to the kids.
* So how do we talk to our own kid about how to, about their sensitivity in general? First thing is to talk about sensitivity in a positive way. Right. I think a lot of sensitive people do feel like something is wrong with them. Talk about it as a strength and advantage, a superpower so that kids stop feeling shame about it. And I think once you stop feeling that shame, it’s a lot easier then to understand. Well, my brain, it, it processes things very deeply.
* Top tip: Start seeing sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness. And I think when you do that, when you see your child’s sensitivity as something wonderful and beautiful and awesome about them, then I think the rest will follow.
Notable Quotables:
* “I grew up as a sensitive person…I heard all those things. ‘You are too sensitive,’ ‘you are overreacting,’ ‘you care too much.’ I mean, how can you say that you care too much?”
* “Sensitive people are really perceptive to everything going on around them, which is an amazing superpower. But as you can guess, it creates challenges too.”
* “Sensitive people tend to be our best human body language decoders.”
* “You can embrace your sensitivity while also stepping out of your comfort zone.”
* “We want to move from empathy to compassion, which is a more positive, proactive emotion that is still beautiful and helpful. It’s actually more helpful to the people around you, because when we’re taking on everybody’s burdens through empathy, while we’re feeling sad too, and we might not be in a place that we can actually help or make a difference for the other person, but compassion says, I’m here for you. Let’s make it about you, not me.”
* “Don’t tell them to calm down in that moment, but help them to calm down.”
* “Let’s start seeing sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness. When you see your child’s sensitivity as something wonderful and beautiful and awesome, then the rest will follow.”
Let’s start seeing sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness, says @JennGranneman of @introvertdear. We talk all about how sensitivity is a superpower (although it has its challenges) on the latest #talktokids podcast episode!
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Resources:
* Book: Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World
* https://introvertdear.com/
* Facebook
* Twitter
* Instagram
The post How to Talk to Kids about Being Sensitive in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World with Jenn Granneman appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Middle SchoolThis podcast is about how to help ourselves and our children navigate middle school successfully. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Judith Warner, author of “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me,” about middle school friendship, relationships, emotions, frustrations, screen-time and more.
Guest Expert: Judith Warner
The Middle School years are characterized by a perfect storm of developmental changes—physical, psychological, and social—they are a time of great distress for children and parents alike, marked by hurt, isolation, exclusion, competition, anxiety, and often outright cruelty. In fact, the French have a name for the uniquely hellish years between elementary school and high school: l’âge Ingrat (LAH_JONG_ RA), or “the ugly age.” Some of this, perhaps, is inevitable; as children individuate during this time, pushing away what they had once embraced to try on new hats and find out who they really are independent of how they were raised, who their friends were and who their parents are known to be. We all know that there are intrinsic challenges to early adolescence. But according to my next guest, these years are harder than they need to be—perhaps in part because the adults in the lives of our middle schoolers are complicit.
Judith Warner is the author of the New York Times bestsellers Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety and Hillary Clinton: The Inside Story, as well as the multiple award-winning We’ve Got Issues: Children and Parents in the Age of Medication. A senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, she has been a frequent contributor to the New York Times, where she wrote the popular Domestic Disturbances column, as well as numerous other publications. She has a new book out called “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School- and I, for one, am excited to talk to her as my daughter just started middle school so I have a personal and professional interest in this topic.
Important Messages:
* Triggered memories from middle school while parenting middle schooler.
* Parents behaving strangely.
* This phase of life is painful for everyone. Lose sight of that sometimes. Social aspects are tough. Developmental, linked to brain development, social is most important- emotionally salient- packs the biggest punch. Insecure.
* Smaller, cozy elementary school bigger middle school. Structural change. Adults don’t know them. Discipline. Academic teacher.
* Adults- early middle age- insecure. Irony. Who am I? Where do I fit? Am I good enough? Am I where I want to be?
* If their kids are having a hard time, parents are going to feel like crap. On top of that, overinvestment. A lot of insecurity. Then looking at kids’ status and how they fit into the world. Social problems for kids- triggers adults, laden with insecurity. So many parents tied up in knots.
* Lolita affect- early fertility does not mean ready for sex or interested in sex. We talk about raging hormones. Tends to mean- sexual connotation. Mystery. Remember identity validation but not sexual way. Put on them- it’s a myth. Puberty earlier- but this does not mean sexual. Imposing assumption on these kids when they aren’t actually interested in a sexual relationship.
* “If a 12 year old wants to wear a mini skirt and the adults in her life are telling her it’s slutty, I happen to think that’s a serious problem.” All this does it makes her feel slutty even if this has nothing to do with her choice to wear the garment. As an adult, we can step back and realize this is ridiculous. As a 12-year-old, you don’t yet have this perspective. This gets internalized. Gets mixed up with popularity and status.
* Parents have talked about middle school as one of the most painful time with their kids. Parents complain that this is the hardest time- but the kids are less negative. Lots of bickering. Most of it is not that disastrous. Become less frequent.
* Mothers and daughters- arguing. Corrosive for parent. The contrast is great. Change from what was the way it was before. Feels abrupt. Different ages for different kids.
* Can’t control everything- but you can scaffold.
* Screentime- maybe we weren’t that different in terms of the amount we used to be on the phone or how we used 3-way calling. Not that different. We wrote horrible notes, we did hang up calls, prank calls, etc.
* Today’s kids, like us, want to be in touch with their friends all the time, they want to know where they stand, they are dealing with in-group/out-group stuff, they are capable of cruelty as well as powerful, nourishing and nurturing friendship.
* Social media and phones- value neutral. Can be good or bad. Have to remember that- don’t demonize. We do have power- helping our kids interpret what they see online, how they treat others, what they do when they see others being treated badly.
* Would love to see screen-use rules at this age and stick to it.
* Community-wide rules are best so no outliers.
* Hyper-vigilance with the kids isn’t good for anyone. “The psychological fallout for kids isn’t good- and the psychological fallout for parents isn’t good either. The more that parents give into that urge to monitor, the more anxious they become, the more there is to be anxious about.”
* Our generation might be over-parenting because they may feel that they were under-parented.
* There is some good that’s happening in the pandemic as it relates to our kids and their friendships in school- as school is different right now.
* One parent came to learn- think about friendships from inside out rather than outside in- how did she feel with that person? Not if that person was accepting her or validating her. Did that person make her happy? That’s the compass. Ask yourself; “when I’m with this person, how do I feel?” How do I make them feel?
* Careful not to put OUR fears onto our children and their choices. Also can come from a good place- sometimes triggering for us because we don’t want them going through what we went through.
* Michael Thompson: “If I hear a parents say that their child is just like them, I know they aren’t really seeing their kid.”
* Can learn from our kids—especially if they are different from us.
* The only things we really should try to shape are our own reactions to things.
Notable Quotables:
* “Middle school should come with a trigger warning”
* “Middle school is when kids are the most insecure about where they belong and where they fit—and when cliquiness peaks. It’s the perfect storm.”
* “Middle schoolers, on the one hand, want some distance from adults, and on the other hand need guidance. Everything is more complicated for them.”
* “As you enter middle age, you are dealing with a lot of the same insecurities [as middle schoolers] all over again. Who am I? Where do I fit? What have I accomplished? Is it good enough? Am I good enough? Am I where I want to be? The older versions of the identity questions that kids are confronted with when they get to adolescence.”
* “If a 12-year-old wants to wear a mini skirt and the adults in her life are telling her it’s slutty, I happen to think that’s a serious problem.”
* “Middle school is a time when kids are trying on lots of different identities. They are figuring out who they are going to be- from what they like to do to what their aesthetic is to what kind of person they want to be. They try on different roles and different masks.”
* ‘Screens and social media are tools and vehicles for communication.”
* Hyper-vigilance with the kids isn’t good for anyone. “The psychological fallout for kids isn’t good- and the psychological fallout for parents isn’t good either. The more that parents give into that urge to monitor, the more anxious they become- the more there is to be anxious about.”
* “Parents, very often, can confuse physical vigilance with emotional presence.”
* With people you are close to, when they say; ‘we’re very different,’ tends to feel like a rejection. It shouldn’t have to be. It should be ‘we feel very different about these things and how to handle these things’ and have it be neutral or even admiring- because maybe our way isn’t so great!”
* “We tend to be sold a bill of goods about what we can control and where our powers lie in terms of shaping our children’s destinies. In reality, the only things we have control over is our own behavior and our own emotional reactions to things. That’s where our focus has to be. If we are calm and at peace, to the extent that we can be, we will do a good job with our kids. That’s the best thing we can do for them is to be ok- and that means being aware of when we are not ok and what we need in order to be ok.”
Middle school should come with a trigger warning, says @JudithWarner on #talktokids podcast. Listen in on how to discuss it with our kids!
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Middle schoolers, on the one hand, explains @JudithWarner on #talktokids podcast, want some distance from adults, and on the other hand need guidance. Everything is more complicated for them. Listen in here.
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Resources:
* JudithWarner.com
* Book: And Then They Stopped Talking to me
The post How to Talk to Kids about Middle School with Judith Warner Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk about the Emotional Lives of TeenagersThis podcast will focus on understanding teenagers’ intense and often fraught emotional lives—and how parents can support them through this critical developmental stage of life.
Many would agree that most teenagers are emotional. Sometimes those emotions are worn on the sleeve while other times they are more covert but often ever-present. How do we understand our teenagers’ intense and often fraught emotional lives—and how do we support them through this critical developmental stage? For that, we have the pleasure of having the fabulous Lisa Damour back on our show today.
Recognized as a thought leader by the American Psychological Association, Lisa Damour, Ph.D., co-hosts the Ask Lisa podcast, writes about adolescents for the The New York Times, appears as a regular contributor to CBS News, works in collaboration with UNICEF, and maintains a clinical practice. She is the author of two New York Times bestsellers, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls (we had Lisa on the show to discuss it!). She has a NEW book out! Wooohoo! It’s called The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents which is the #1 New Release in Popular Adolescent Psychology on Amazon! She and her husband have two daughters and live in Shaker Heights, Ohio.
Important Messages:
* Adults are frightened for teenagers, very anxious about teenagers. Need to strengthen relationships with teens.
* Reassure- that a lot of what people are looking at is actually normal adolescence.
* Teenagers feel their emotions more intensely than children do and more intensely than adults do.
* And this is just a straight up neurological phenomenon. Both negative and positive emotions. They feel the negative more but they also enjoy things more.
* Your kid’s gonna be upset. That is a done deal. You don’t have to be too frightened of it. And even further, adolescent distress is often evidence of their mental health!
* Gender and emotion: At birth, there’s no distinction to be made, right? There’s nothing that biologically drives girls to be one way about emotion and boys to be another. But we have really good evidence and I have a whole chapter of that evidence on what happens at the level of socialization. And what we know is that by and large, and of course this doesn’t apply to all kids everywhere, but the broad strokes are we socialize girls to feel at ease talking about emotions. We also permit a great number of emotions in girls. And by and large we socialize boys to be tough invulnerable. And we permit a very small number of emotions in boys largely anger and pleasure at someone else’s expense.
* And then there’s the question of kids who do not fit traditional gender binaries. And on the one hand we don’t have a ton of highly specific research about the emotional experience for them other than that to say it’s really hard to be a gendered non-binary child. And we know this and there’s a lot of reasons for that. And so I also really tried to work through how we support gender non-binary kids or kids who don’t fit the traditional gender categories as well as we possibly can.
* So we’re going to try to, according to your book, help the boys to feel okay about discussing their emotions in, you know, this is a safe haven.
What is the experience for kids who don’t fit traditional categories and how do we support them really well? And I think you know, we have some data showing that for girls, expressing anger can be very costly if you’re a girl of color, expressing anger can be enormously costly.
* For boys expressing vulnerability, expressing anything that is at all intimate or tender can be very quickly policed by their peers. Yes. Seen as somehow weak, seen as somehow feminine.
* How do we get boys to speak to us? Sometimes it’s the men who have to get involved- express themselves, giving their sons “permission” to speak candidly too.
* Imagine what would happen if a revered coach talked about emotions other than anger?
* Why your kid hates how you chew. Mom and Dad become- not so cool. “got to come up with their own brand”
* Individuation: own brand
* Here’s where the rubber hits the road in this height of separation, individuation, anything we do that is unlike the emerging brands our teenagers see themselves having is a problem. Anything that we do with it is like the emerging brands that our teenagers see themselves having is a problem. Right. Everything we do is a problem.
* I’m your little kid and I’m my own person. And truly by 14 or 15 usually kids have had enough time to be serious about sports or serious about, you know, debate or serious about things that are not us. And then they’re like, okay, well your brand is your problem, but I have my brand and then it all dies down.
* It can feel personal.
* Style, bedroom look, they personalize—to make it reflect their brand.
* Tour her in her brain, if we were to go inside her young teen brain, what we would see is that the emotion centers are really, really powerful. They have been upgraded and her ability to stand back and maintain prospective centers are awaiting their upgrades. So they are comparatively weak.
* Teens need to understand the why.
* Emotion regulation: half of it’s expressing, the other half is getting it under control.
* Helping kids maintain perspective is a strategy.
* Trouble with emotion regulation? Question: how’s the child sleeping?
* Sometimes it’s ok to use screens to help regulate. Adults do this too.
* Social media is complex. Getting kids to think about it at the level of sophistication that’s going to serve them well isn’t going to happen before 13 or 14. So the longer you can hold off the better because they really do want to be thinking about this in pretty sophisticated ways because it’s some pretty sophisticated stuff In terms of its impact on them.
* A lot of kids don’t need social media to stay plugged in socially, even if they may need a phone.
* just as by way of a structural or intervention, like the longer you wait on giving kids social media, the better.
* It’s really better if kids don’t have tech in their bedrooms. Three reasons to get tech out of kids’ bedrooms and it gets to all of this. (1) it interferes with their sleep. If there’s anything you wanna do to help your kid have good emotional regulation, they’re gonna sleep better tech in the bedroom messes with sleep. (2) They need a break. Yeah. They need a break. Like I think about like, you know, I’d come home from practice and then like it was like me and my folks, right? And like I could talk to one kid on the phone. Maybe we’ve got three way calling going. I talked to two kids on the phone. But I think there’s real value in having some part of the 24 hour cycle where they are just off the clock with everybody. (3) And then the last reason, this is just from practicing for a long time, if your kid’s going to do something really impulsive on social media, it’s at one o’clock in the morning in their bedroom.
* , I think the best gift we can give our teenagers is to do what we can to be a steady presence when they are having a powerful emotional experience.
* We have to take really good care of ourselves. We have to be accepting of the idea that they’re gonna be upset. We have to recognize that they are reading our reaction to get a sense of how upset they need to be. And so part of actually how we help kids dial down emotions is that we actually don’t meet them at the full height of that failing. And we also are better able to do this if we feel like we’ve got a set of strategies to help that kid feel better.
Notable Quotables:
“The best thing we can do for teenagers is to strengthen their relationships with the adults right around them.”
* Your kid’s going to be upset. That is a done deal. You don’t have to be too frightened of it. And even further, adolescent distress is often evidence of their mental health!
* For boys expressing vulnerability, expressing anything that is at all intimate or tender can be very quickly policed by their peers. It can be seen as somehow weak and feminine.
* Here’s where the rubber hits the road in this height of separation, individuation, anything we do that is unlike the emerging brands our teenagers see themselves having is a problem. Anything that we do with it is like the emerging brands that our teenagers see themselves having is a problem…Everything we do is a problem.
* “You cannot prevent your kid from being in distress sometimes.”
* “Teenagers can be so great and so reactive. And the job of adults is to try to serve a containing function.”
* “When a kid is upset, having them talk more about what is wrong is not always the best option.”
* Helping kids maintain perspective is a strategy.
* The best gift we can give our teenagers is to do what we can to be a steady presence when they are having a powerful emotional experience.*
The best thing we can do for teenagers is to strengthen their relationships with the adults right around them, says @LDamour on #talktokids podcast. Listen in!
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Resources:
* LisaDamour.com
* Ask Lisa podcast
* Twitter: @LDamour
* Facebook
* Instagram
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How to Talk about the Emotional Lives of Teenagers with Dr. Lisa Damour appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How Mindfulness Can Positively Impact the Way We Parent Our ChildrenThis podcast will focus on mindfulness and how it can help the way we parent and teach our children. The podcast episode provides how to train yourself to stay calm in tough situations, how to calm down more quickly and how to teach your children to be more mindful as well.
Life gets crazy and parenting can be stressful. Many parents anticipate the stress and experience stress throughout the day—whether it’s morning time and getting the kids off to school, or after-school time when homework must be completed—shuttling multiple children to practices and activities, getting a healthy dinner on the table while dealing with sibling arguments—or dealing with bedtime shenanigans. And let’s not forget friendship issues, electronics battles, getting your kids to clean up after themselves—or life issues like divorce, illness, bullying, work stress and whatever else is your personal bugaboo. Yes- life can be stressful, parenting can stressful—and we focus so much on how we can help our kids, talk to our kids, be there for our kids—but what about us? What about the parents? How do we cope with our stress and what might help us to take a collective breath, allow some of the frustration to fall away and become more mindful so that we can better help ourselves as well as those we love?
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting andPeaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. We interviewed her on both of these books as well as on her wonderful workbook called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook—a great resource for parents. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
The podcast provides:
- How you can practice mindfulness in short periods of time.
- Mindfulness practices for busy parents
- The differences mindfulness can make
- In-the-moment mindfulness practices
- Recommendations to help calm our children down in tense moments
- What parents need when they are coping with day-to-day frustrations Important Messages:
- Mindfulness: Becoming aware of your experience. We resist jumping into action. We bring compassionate attention. Activate observer mode. Gives us a choice about how to react to whatever we are feeling.
- Mindfulness can allow people to heal in a different way than psychology. It helps to manage the mind.
- A famous master of Ikido was asked; “how do you stay calm all the time?” And he answered; “I don’t- I just recover faster.”
- Three things to do in 15 minutes that can change your life:
- Breathing (deactivates fight, flight, freeze, shifts us out of sympathetic (geared towards emergency) and into parasympathetic system which is restorative). Connect your breath- out and in- to stay focused. (See Michael Brown). Notice your breath- when it ends. (Like throwing a dog a bone, keeps it occupied for a while when connecting the breath) Practice self-love if your mind wonders. We often don’t breathe deeply. We need to get to a deeper level of thought, source or feeling. Feelings of safety. And the results can help you later on in the day- it has long-lasting effects. You are giving yourself a mini-vacation. Accumulate present-moment awareness. Deeper level of restfulness, source, healing. Transforms wellbeing.
- Sitting with what is: Do a body scan and notice what’s going on in your body. Fully present but not trying to change it. Stay with the sensation. We stuff negative emotions into our emotional backpack- our body- pay attention to it and it will change. Don’t go into our mind. Buddha- every sensation is a rising and passing away. Dissipates. Later on, not as tangled up about the things that frustrated you.
- Savor the good (Rick Hanson: Buddha’s Brain), choose gratitude, choose love. We automatically go towards the negative- protective or parents voice was negative or critical or some people are just more negative. This creates unhappiness and negativity, lack of patience. We can counter act that! Induce a more positive emotion- notice the good. Savor the good. Make it part of your routine. “I’m so happy to have this delicious tea or coffee.” You can start small! “I’m so lucky that my children don’t wake me up as much as they used to!” “I’m so grateful that I have enough to eat.” Some of it is simply silver lining. Look for the good. Savor it. Savor the hug of your child. Savor your coffee. The more often we do this, the longer we do this, it changes the brain. (You can even make this visual and with your whole family. Lots of research on gratitude for children. Pull back the camera and look at what you are grateful for.
- Jeffry Froh- when we do gratitude work with kids, that child is happier. Try a gratitude jar, board or book- they notice it and they can relive it. It can make a difference to their emotional generosity and their cooperation. It is longlasting.
- Remember the pause button- stop, drop and breathe. Stop what you are doing, drop your agenda, and take 3 deep breaths. (99% of parenting is not an emergency). The pause gives you a moment to think and CHOOSE your next action (rather than letter the drama choose you). Ignore the sense of emergency. CHOOSE to calm down. CHOOSE love.
- Think something like: “It’s not an emergency.” “He’s acting like a child because he is a child.” “I can handle this.” (Put away your sword)
- You can do a baby body scan, you can shake out your body by shaking out your hands, you can run your hands under water. You can say; “I breathe in calm, I breathe out calm.” If no time- just choose calm and love. Intervention will be 100% better.
- Mindfulness is about choosing not to take action based on what upset you. Interrupting the hijack and the parental tantrum, the prefrontal cortex gets stronger. The amygdala stays calmer. You are learning. You are changing your brain. You are changing how you use the tools. You change your vagal tone. As you do it more and more, you can do it faster. One breath and you are ready. You have a better brain.
- When we are upset, we need to be heard. Rage only dissipates when it feels heard. When we are upset, this is not the time to tell someone to calm down.
- When your child is upset: “Oh my goodness, you are so upset about this! I didn’t understand that this was so important to you. Tell me more.”
- Model mindfulness for our kids and invite your children to learn them with you. Driver cuts you off. “Woe, I can get really upset here and take a deep breath, I’m going to use an antidote. EVEN THOUGH we may be a little late, it’s fine to be a little late.” Don’t say even though I’m angry or upset- sets them. “Even though I FEEL angry, I can choose to stay calm.” “I know the doctor runs behind and we’ll be fine.”
- Tap? EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Use the side of your hand with the pinky finger like a karate master. And tap the other hand while saying an antidote statement. “Even though I may be worried about the spelling test, I know I’ve studied and I’ll be fine. I’ll do my best. It’ll be okay.” A child who can talk himself though anxiety is the healthiest mentally thoughout life.
- Transformative game: “Hey, I have an idea, let’s beam love to the people we pass. Let’s see if it makes a difference to how we feel or how they interact with us.” You can think “I love you.” “Bless you.” Beam the love. Changes body language and energy, emotional, mental, physical state. Your child experiences love- makes them more compassionate, wellbeing, happiness. More aware of others. You can feel it internally- you don’t even need to smile. It changes your face anyway. People change their reaction at you.
- When starting point of frustration is not at zero- need to remove some stressors. Sleep. Exercise. Healthy physical state and healthy emotional state. Empty emotional backpack- old garbage can’t allow you to have a sense of wellbeing until you deal with it. Shrink amygdala- less work to do.
- Change neuropathways. Neurons that fire together, wire together. For example, child has a meltdown, triggers old memories from childhood. Freak out. Notice pattern. Train self to react differently. Journal. Breathing. Review last time it happened. Feel in body. Sit with sensation- even though uncomfortable. It will begin to change. Feel better. Deactivating sensations that have been making you sick and tired. Next time, more ability to stop, drop, breathe- pause button. Slow down. Breaks habitual connection. Put hand over mouth. Redirect response. Like a toddler throwing something- throw the right thing or throw it somewhere safe. Breathe out slowly. Antidote to anger in body. Subbing new response. Kids fighting not connecting to yelling but to taking a breathe or saying your mantra. (1) Empty garbage (2) Rewire, calm faster.
Notable Quotables:
“Mindfulness is becoming aware of your experience. It’s bringing yourself fully present and noticing your experience without leaping into action.”
* “If you want to go and be a monk on a mountain top, you can do that! But you can’t raise your kids at the same time. We have to find the way that mindfulness will work for us.”
* “Nobody can stay calm all the time.”
* “There are three things you can do in 15 minutes that can change your life.”
* “By connecting your breathing and being mindful, you can accumulate present-moment awareness so that even later when your child gets into the car, you carry that calm with you.”
* Once you attend to the emotions you stuffed into your body, you process them and they pass away. And then you are able to think about the phone call with your mother or the interaction with your children, and you aren’t so tangled up about it. You aren’t so triggered by it. You’re more clear. You’ve cleared those feelings out of the emotional backpack.”
* “Being present with what is and not trying to change anything, changes everything.”
* “When you choose love, when you choose gratitude, when you feel pleasure, you change the hormones and neurotransmitters in the body so you are giving yourself a sense of safety, wellbeing and an antidote to the normal habits of the mind.”
* “When we are upset, we need to be heard. Rage only dissipates when it feels heard. When we are upset, this is not the time to tell someone to calm down.”
* “We can counteract our negative emotions by savoring the good.”
* “Teach your children to beam love at people. Strangers who seem like just ordinary people suddenly look more beautiful when we beam love at them. And it makes us include all humanity and include them in our emotional generosity which makes the world a better place.”
* “Resist acting while you are angry.”
* “Mindfulness is about being fully aware of your feelings but not getting hijacked by them.”
* “Under our anger there is something else. Fear and grief is often under the anger.”*
Mindfulness is about being fully aware of your feelings but not getting hijacked by them, says @DrLauraMarkham on #talktokids podcast. Find out 3 things you can do in 15 minutes that will change your life right here-
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Resources:
* AhaParenting.com
* Body scan from Dr. Laura: http://bit.ly/DrLaura_BodyScan
* Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids (book)
* Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids (workbook)
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post How Mindfulness Can Positively Impact the Way We Parent Our Children with Dr. Laura Markham Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Adoption, Foster Care and AttachmentThis podcast will talk about how many people have the wrong idea about adoption and kids. Adoption is nuanced and those involved in adoption are human! Experts in adoption have found that children, adoptive parents and birth parents may grapple with seven different core issues in adoption and permanency. Let’s discuss them today and find out how to talk about them with our children and teens.
Guest Expert: Allison Davis Maxon, LMFT
Many of you who have followed the podcast for a long time—and thank you, we are just about at 2 million downloads now, you know that my husband and I adopted 2 children 12 and 13 years ago through an open adoption with people we love. When people think of adoption, especially when they don’t have first hand experience with it, may have some preconceived notions about how the people feel and who they people are who are part of the adoption experience—the birth parents, the children and the adoptive parents. Some might believe that the birth parents are deviant in some way—or callous—or uncaring—that the adoptive parents are saviors and do-gooders and the children are simply grateful and lucky. But there is a lot to adoption and talking about adoption with kids—because the people who are involved are human and multi-faceted, good and faulty, loving and trying to do their best in a situation that has more to it than meets the eye. I am grateful for my children and to their birth parents—and I also know that there are more emotions that go with adoption than gratitude. How do we talk to kids about adoption and the issues that may be part of their adoption experience—or the adoption experience of those we know and love? For that, we talk to Allison Davis Maxon.
Allison Davis Maxon is an expert in the fields of child welfare and children’s mental health specializing in attachment, developmental trauma, and permanency/adoption. She is the executive director for the National Center on Adoption and Permanency and was the child welfare consultant on the Paramount Pictures movie “Instant Family.” Allison was honored in 2017 with the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute “Angels in Adoption” award and is the co-author of Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency.
Important Messages:
* For some, adoption comes with issues of neglect and trauma because of what they’ve been through in the past.
* Instant Family: A snapshot of Allison’s life!
* There are profound losses—this is one of the main core issues.
* History of adoption: Secrecy and Shame. People kept it from their children.
* There are losses- intergenerational losses.
* These losses can lead to the second core issue: Rejection. Abandonment. There is grief for many.
* Lack of genetic mirroring. Issues can intensify during teen years when identity comes into play so much more.
* Grief is a gateway to healing—acknowledge the loss.
* There are constellation members– they’re not the only ones with losses. You have grandparents that lost a grandchild. You have aunts and uncles that lost a niece or nephew. The ripple effect on the birth first familial tree of that loss. And the reason for that loss, our history in this country that came from the original. It was originally it was domestic adoptions. Now the majority of adoptions are from foster care. It’s why you hear my shift in language birth first family birth, first parents. Because many of the children that are adopted today from foster care were parented by their first parents sometimes for years.
* Emotional landmines
* You must address your grief. Any blockages I have in my own grief or stuckness or triggers that I have will come and be played out through my parent-child attachment relationship.
* If I adopted my child at birth and now they’re five years old and they’re really starting to understand, wait, I didn’t grow inside of you. No, you grew inside your birth first mommy and she gave birth to you. And, and by the way, we don’t really understand that developmentally until we’re five, six or seven.
* Have to acknowledge when it’s hard for kids. Sometimes being adopted is really hard. Let’s talk about being adopted right now because I can tell that’s hard for you in this moment. So instead of us act or reacting as a parent might like defending themselves, like, how dare you, I am your real mom. Like, we can, we can go into a defensive posture when, when my child is bringing that up, they’re in the middle saying, it’s hard to think about somebody else in this role then I don’t maybe even know that person. Because lots of times there isn’t openness in adoption. Imagine feeling like you’re a child, trying to understand, wait, I, I grew inside someone else.
* Allison tells this story: It takes a man and a woman to make a a baby. Always. That baby grows inside the woman’s body, inside a place called her womb. She gives birth to that baby. If that baby D isn’t raised by those two parents and is raised over here in this forever family, that’s called adoption. And I usually show this in a visual way cuz as you know, kids are very visual, auditory processing isn’t their strength. So I’m using right stuffed animals or I’m using a visual picture.
* So I tell this global story to this young man. He’s almost nine years old. He starts, he, he starts sobbing and shaking on my floor, sobbing and shaking on my floor. And I, and in the moment I just was rubbing his back, I didn’t quite know what had happened. So I just was comforting him. He was sobbing, uncontrollable, you know, when the body goes into this uncontrollable full body saw, when he finally calmed down, it took a few minutes and I just said, you know what happened? Tell me what happened. And he said, I thought I grew in a tube.
* What makes adoption so hard for parents, is the child’s story begins with loss and trauma. So often adoptive parents are trying to protect children from the loss and the trauma so they make up a nice story that often begins with their story.
* Begin with the child’s story—not your story. Your story is your story—that’s not the child’s story.
* There’s diversity in the adoption experience.
* Each kid has a suitcase packed with all the core issues and you want them to unpack it, not try to fix it for all the grownups.
* They often don’t want their parents to be upset with them.
* Scary for adoptive parents because they don’t want to be rejected.
* Open adoption is healthiest for a child (as long as it’s safe).
* The birth parent story is often told through the adoptive parent lens, not the person that the story begins with. It’s so helpful to a child and the adoptive parents to, to be relationship builders.
Diverse family structures: We have stepparents, we have foster parents, kinship parents, a lot of grandfamilies right now. Like we’re very, we’re we’re used to a lot of diversity inside fam family systems.
* Legal parents and there are genetic parents and there are attachment parents. In adoption, the legal parents become the attachment parents.
* And we really do want adoptive parents to acknowledge that their own core issues are connected to that.
* Genetic mirroring is really validating for the child that when I can get, and I work, I do a lot of openness and search and reunion when I can get all the grownups really working well together, that’s best for the child because the child can go, oh, my parents aren’t in conflict with one another.
* Activity: Two mason jars and with your kid you’re going to cut out all these slips of paper and one of the jars is going to be their lost jar. So you label on the jar loss and we want kids to be able to, over time and sometimes with a grownups help. Whenever you’re feeling some of that, some of the pain from the core issues, what are those losses that you do have? Because adoption, by the way, creates losses, but those losses are recognized developmentally as the young person unfolds. So my losses at five look different than when they’re eight look different than when they’re at 10. Now I’m 15, I may have a whole jar filled with my losses- some are ambiguous. An ambiguous loss is a profound loss without any closure. So for kids, especially in a closed adoption, it can feel like my birth parents died.
* Where do I mourn that loss? Where’s the gravestone? Where’s where, where the bodies buried so to speak. So it’s what makes grief so difficult cuz the losses in adoption and permanency are often really ambiguous. They get triggered around birthdays. Birthdays are very important. This is the day I was birthed and once I really understand what I lost, birthdays become trickier for me, mother’s day, father’s day, where’s my other mother or my birth mother? Is she thinking of me? Did she hold me? Did she name me? Did she want me? These are very real losses that oftentimes adoptees aren’t sharing. Why aren’t they sharing them? They’re often stuck inside. Oh, I don’t want to make my parents upset either parents. So I’ll just tuck all these losses deep inside.
* The next jar I’d have you get another big mason jar, all you parents out there and label it adoption questions.
* We want all parents to have what they need.
* So if you’re an adoptive parent, get into an adoptive parent support group.
* We don’t have enough adoption competent professionals out there that are clinically competent in these issues
Notable Quotables:
“The core issues are really important because the history in adoption in this country really revolves around what we call the two S’s: Secrecy and Shame.”
* “Grief is a gateway to healing.”
* “What makes adoption so hard for parents, is the child’s story begins with loss and trauma. So often adoptive parents are trying to protect children from the loss and the trauma so they make up a nice story that often begins with their story.”
* “Help minimize the losses over the lifespan by starting earlier with truth telling. Because we can’t grieve what we never acknowledge.”
* Each kid who was adopted has a suitcase packed with all the core issues and you want them to unpack it—not try to fix it for all the grown-ups.
* “Every parent should get what they need.”*
@AllisonMaxon, adoption expert and author of 7 Core Issues in #Adoption and Permanency says on #talktokids podcast: Each kid who was adopted has a suitcase packed with all the core issues--unpack it. How? Listen in.
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Let's not get caught up in the 2 Ss when talking about (or not talking about) #adoption. @AllisonMaxon is on #talktokids podcast to discuss how to open up discussion so everyone can heal and thrive.
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Resources:
* AllisonDavisMaxon.com
* 7 Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency
* 7 Core Issues in Adoption and Permanancy Workbook
* Instant Family (Paramount)
The post How to Talk to Kids about Adoption, Foster Care and Attachment with Allison Davis Maxon, LMFT appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Race and RacismThis podcast will focus on talking to our kids about being brace and having uncomfortable conversations about race and racism. Don’t let the discomfort get in the way! Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews coauthors, Shanterra McBride and Rosalind Wiseman, about their book, Courageous Discomfort.
Guest Experts: Shanterra McBride & Rosanlind Wiseman
Talking about race and racism isn’t easy. There are a lot of questions that we may not know how to answer while in the moment and many situations that we may not know how to handle when we are in them. We also may be confused about how to raise children who are true allies and who are willing to step up, have tough conversations themselves and not just do what’s right in the moment but also what could be helpful in the long run as we strive for lifelong relationships and lifechanging opportunities for growth. How do we ensure we do better and embrace a willingness to engage in courageous discomfort as we dive into our questions about race and racism? For this, we have 2 amazing women on today, Shanterra McBride and Rosalind Wiseman.
Bio
Shanterra McBride is a Texas-based author, preacher, speaker, and teacher. She is the founder of Marvelous University, a social enterprise that offers life coaching and success planning for young people, specializing in leadership development for girls and young women. Shanterra was awarded the Profiles in Leadership Award from SMU for having made a significant impact on the quality of life of girls and women all over the country. She is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’ Guide to Being Marvelous, an inspirational book for girls ages 11 to 17. And she is the coauthor of Courageous Discomfort Conversations about Race and Racism with Rosalind Wiseman.
Rosalind Wiseman is a Colorado-based speaker and bestselling author, perhaps best known For Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping You daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, And the New Realities of Girl World, the basis for the hit movie and Broadway musical Mean Girls. She has authored several other parenting books, including Masterminds & Wingmen and the Owning Up Curriculum. Rosalind is a regular contributor to National Public Radio, the New York Times, the Today Show, and other national media- and has been on our podcast twice before talking about bullying and social aggression as well as getting granular in touch conversations.
Important Messages:
* What do you say when something tragic happens in the black community, like someone was killed due to racism? “I know you’re seeing, and it absolutely sucks.”
* Have to realize— that sending flowers isn’t the same as listening. It can’t be; “I’m willing to send you flowers, but I don’t want to come to the house. I don’t want to sit in the sadness, in the grief, in the, I just want to drop off the casserole. I don’t want to come in.”
* Often, it’s not about reaching out but doing the work yourself. Rosalind gives example of woman who found out her predecessors were slave owners. This is not about contacting a prestigious black professor to find out next steps- but to do the work in advance yourself since there are so many people already doing this work that you can research.
* What should we say instead of “we don’t see color” or teaching a child “not to see color.” Instead, aim for the baseline or wanting kids to be accepting and kind and open-minded and definitely not racist.
* Not seeing color says, “I see you and I’m uncomfortable with what I’m seeing right here so I’m not going to focus on that.”
* Young people are not color blind. They see color. We want them to see color because we don’t want them to erase a part of someone’s identity.
* Sometimes we do need to say, “you know this person was killed/harmed because of the color of their skin? You can’t be colorblind if the issue is about how someone is being treated because of the color of their skin.
* It matters most what the black people think about how they want to be seen.
* What out for microaggressions. “You are so well spoken!” That can come off as “I didn’t think you’d be well spoken because you’re black.” What if you said that to someone else? “You are so well-spoken!” You can hear that it’s really not coming out in a positive way.”
* Instead, if you want to make a point to somebody that they’ve done a great job in articulating something, just be specific about what they’ve said that meant something to you.
* It’s important to ask ourselves, “Why did this surprise me about this person?” Where does that perception come from that a black person shouldn’t be well-spoken or some other prejudice?
* When is it NOT race/racism? (example of white boy flipping off black boy in school—is this racism?)
* As parents and educators, we need to maintain our emotional equilibrium. Things will push our buttons. Parenting can get us like really up and down. I think the most important thing is also tracking your own first response to a situation that is being labeled as racist. Don’t ask a million questions. Don’t start making assumptions. Don’t call the school. Ask, why do you perceive that?”
* In the situation where the boys were flipping each other off—could mean a lot of things! Were they mad at each other? Saying good bye? Being silly?
* What does allyship look like in a school culture?
* “My kid wouldn’t ever do that.” I want parents to make the assumption that their children have seen racist comments on their feed or in their group chat, that they have participated in some way in those racist group chats jokes, whatever that their children have are confused about using the n word for example, because they have white friends who have said, it’s fine, we listen to it on the music, or this is j or it’s a way to prove that they’re sort of in or something like that. I want parents to assume that their children are in the mix of racism and that it is complicated and that our children, I’m including mine in this, our children sometimes do things that we, that we are like, no way, there’s no way our kid would do that. (Rosalind)
* When a friend of your child says something racist in the car; hey, that you’re saying right now, love you, you’re in my house, you eat my food, and because of that I’m holding you to a standard, not a high standard. By the way, let’s not say that saying anti, like being anti-racist is like a high standard. It is a decency, dignity standard of this is not happening. And and I don’t care if you hear it among other families, I don’t care. And you know, cuz I love you. You’re my kid’s friend, this is not happening. This is the standard I hold you to.” So I have control over that. And I think we absolutely have the responsibility to say that regardless if our children think that’s embarrassing because we should, they, they’re, it is fine for us to do things that are embarrassing when we are showing our values about upholding other people’s dignity. So that’s, it’s fine if our kid kids are embarrassed about that.
* Kids often want to remain silent when they hear racism. “This is the conversations I’ve had with my own kids where they have had to learn, but they have been silent when I’ve wanted them to speak out. That I live in Colorado, there’s a lot of racism against Mexicans here. A lot of jokes, a lot of horrible things that I, that were really hard that for me to learn about. I wasn’t raised here. So when my kids say to me, yeah, this thing happened, and I say, well, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? And they say, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to do it.
* When a 13 year old says something racist: “Racist remarks at age 13 doesn’t make them racist, it makes them 13. It doesn’t make them bad people, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. We are on a process of handling difficult things, which means we’ve got to give each other some grace along the way. When kids who are 13 say something racist and it’s caught on social media, god forbid, and then the whole community says like, oh my gosh, like what a terrible child and what terrible parents everything. That is not an opportunity. That is not a situation in which people who have made this mistake are given the space to be able to do better. They just understandably get more defensive and more hunkered down. Hold he kids accountable but do it in a way that doesn’t create immense amounts of shame and feeling like he doesn’t belong in his community, because we’ve got to be able to do that work. We gang up on people so quickly. Yes. And it, it all, the only thing it does is makes us feel like temporarily self-righteous. And then, you know, some’s going to come around to us one day.
* What if an old relative says racist remarks, “back in my day…” “Grandpa, that’s true. Back in your day…we are in a new day, you know, and I am teaching my children this, or I’m teaching my children to treat everyone with dignity.” Don’t need to shame!
* When someone is trying to start an argument at the table: “I do want to have this conversation, but not right now because I don’t want to take away from the work that this person did, put this food on the table. When is a good time to continue this discussion?
* You can debrief with your child; “I want you to respect the position of your grandfather. It’s really important to me that you respect those kinds of positions. But when people within those positions are taking away the dignity of other people, you don’t have to respect those actions.
* I would meet people where they are as they are trying keep being comfortable. You know, keep being, and I think we, we run from discomfort. We run from it. We want everything in our world to be easy– it’s not, that’s, that’s not life. (Not everything is yoga pants!!)
* Read the book, Courageous Discomfort.
Notable Quotables:
“Allyship can be uncomfortable. It’s not, ‘I’m willing to send you flowers but I don’t want to sit in the sadness, in the grief. I just want to drop off a casserole- I don’t want to come in.”
* “When someone says , ‘I don’t see color,’ it says, ‘I see you and I’m uncomfortable with what I’m seeing so I’m not going to focus on that.’
* “Young people see color. They aren’t blind. We want them to see color because when they don’t, they erase a part of someone’s identity.”
* “As parents and educators, we need to maintain our emotional equilibrium— parenting can get us like really up and down. I think the most important thing is also tracking your own first response to a situation that is being labeled as racist. Don’t ask a million questions. Don’t start making assumptions. Don’t call the school. Ask, why do you perceive that?”
* “I think part of part of raising young people to want to be allies is meeting them where they are. They are still developing and understanding.”
* “Be who you want to be and be who you want your kids to see.”
* “Be easy on people and hard on ideas.”
* “Remember, people are trying.”*
Be who you want your kids to see, says @ShanterraMcB with @culturesofdignity on the How to #TalktoKids about Anything. This is so important when teaching about race & racism!
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Be easy on people and hard on ideas says Rosalind Wiseman @CulturesofDignity on #talkotkids podcast. Listen in as we discuss race & racism with Rosalind and @ShanterraMCb
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Resources:
* www.CourageousDiscomfort.com
* www.ShanterraMcBride.com
* www.RosalindWiseman.com
* www.MarvelousUniversity.com
The post How to Talk to Kids about Race and Racism with Shanterra McBride and Rosalind Wiseman appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Boys about SexThis podcast will focus on boys, consent, masculinity, hook-ups, love and porn—and how to open up conversations with boys about these topics that will help them to become more informed boys and better men.
Special Guest: Peggy OrensteinThe pervasiveness of hook-up culture, ubiquity of locker room banter, accessibility of internet porn, media steeped with distorted images and wide acceptance of the “man box” or “bro culture” participation is having complex and negative effects on our boys. And as pornography has become a new kind of sex education that most boys are privy to by the tender age of 11 and sexual assault showing itself as a more commonplace occurrence, it is time for a change. As squeamish as it may make us, we’ve got to get talking to boys are sex. About consent. About empathy, porn, intimacy, media, misogyny, arousal, LGBTQ, connection. This, as you all know by now, is not just one talk but a series of little and bog discussions along the way. It is not just for Moms or just for Dads- this is for all of us. When we unravel the hidden truths and put high beams on the realities of young male sexuality and culture in today’s world, we create a provocative paradigm-shift that can help us move forward to raising more-informed boys and better men.
Peggy Orenstein is the New York Times bestselling author of Girls and sex, Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Waiting for Daisy, Flux and Schoolgirls. A contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine, she has been published in USA Today, Parenting, Salon, the New Yorker and other publications, and has contributed commentary to NPR’s “All Things Considered.” Her new book has come out to glowing reviews and is called Boys and Sex, Young Men on Hook Ups, Love, Porn, consent and navigating the new masculinity. She lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.
The podcast provides:
- A discussion of masculinity and the man box
- How porn is impacting our boys, their development and their relationships
- How boys regard hook-up culture and why it’s detrimental
- Why it’s important for parents to talk about sex with boys in the LGBTQ community
- How to discuss consent with boys
- What boys really want in their relationships Important Messages:
- If we are going to help boys, we have to talk to them about sex, intimacy, masculinity and gender.
- We can learn so much about ourselves and about our culture when we talk to young people about these rich topics.
- Definition of masculinity has barely budged over the years.
- Use “precarious masculinity” or “fragile masculinity”- less of an attack on boys than “toxic.”
- Boys have females as friends, deserving of place in classroom- but masculinity definition still hasn’t changed much. Athletic, chill and aggressive at the same time, dominant, sex as conquest, sex as status seeking—emotional suppression (big one).
- Learn to put up wall, not to cry. Heart of book- vulnerability. Taboo, wrestle with it. Cut boys off from vulnerability- Brene Brown- secret sauce to holding relationships together. Cut off capacity to have mutually satisfying relationships that we want them to have.
- Porn: So difficult when you go into a sexual experience having seen it—it takes away your ability to have discovery on your own terms- and see through fresh eyes without preconceived notions. Destroyed. Hijacks their imagination. Sad.
- Curiosity about sex is normal and healthy. Masterbation is normal and healthy.
- 2007: Pornhub dropped the paywall. Allows everything to be accessible anonymously and free.
- Masturbation with porn: They go through the free stuff—is it you or Uporn- who is going to educate your kids about sex? Pull up 8 clips and toggle back and forth until they find the thing. What’s the impact?
- Some boys realize they hit rock bottom and have to stop.
- Some boys feel that they were harmed by porn.
- Many boys will say “I know the difference between fantasy and reality.” But how? They haven’t even kissed anybody yet.
- Media affects our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions even when we think it doesn’t. College guys who watch more porn are
- more likely to think its images are real.
- more to want to act out more aggressive actions in the bedroom.
- less satisfied with their partner’s interactions,
- less satisfied with their performance
- less satisfied with their partner’s bodies.
- Many boys are wrestling with this. In big and small ways. Are they affecting their personal relationships? Shame about genital size. Affected who they were attracted to. Affected what they thought female pleasure would be (and found out how wrong they were).
- Porn is new and much more of a pressing conversation now but the fact is that main stream media is an issue too- and we must discuss. Reinforced. Male sexual entitlement. Female sexual availability. Male sexual dominance. Female sexual submissiveness.
- Music impacts how boys see girls too. You are driving around town and hear some version of “F^k that btch and quit her.
- We are doing such a good job with girls now—so much work on recognizing the media impact on girls. We provide a counter narrative. Critical lens to resist crass, commodified media messages. And we say nothing to our boys. And they are growing up in the same stew.
- Porn convo: What would you whisper in Mason’s Dad’s ear when he sits down on the couch after finding out his son is watching porn? You have to stop here and talk about what’s real and not real. And that this is giving a skewed picture of what human sexuality is, what people actually want and do. Point out what’s missing. What’s inaccurate. How it treats women. How it inaccurately shows what most women respond to and like and enjoy. Doesn’t show any sense of connection, sensuality messiness, playfulness, passion- it’s an abstracted view of what sex is.
- Gather information: Info on Peggy’s website for high schoolers. Essay from Scarletine. Positive, pleasurable sex ed. Give to 14-15 year old. What’s real and not real. And why fantasy in porn is skewed towards aggressive violence. What about the racism? What about the violence? What about the fat shaming?
- Don’t shame our boys or girls around porn.
- Boys can read the porn chapter.
- Porn discussion. Physiology. What is super arousing and what is actually pleasurable, wanted, desired. Sometimes extreme images might provide a genital response- but that doesn’t mean that you want it.
- Emily Nagoski: Simultaneously is sexual and objectionable, it can turbo charge arousal. Vs. something you actually want. This might be eye-opening. Fear and anxiety. Understand it.
- Mason story: End. Finally had intercourse. “What did you want your first time to be like?” Conversation- what they wanted, know, feel- connected conversation. Magically it worked after that. “I can’t be physically vulnerable with somebody unless I’m emotionally vulnerable first because the body is a vulnerable thing and you can’t learn from a screen.”
- Ideal presented to them is hot sex with a cold heart- no feelings. Catching feelings like it’s a disease. But this doesn’t fit with who they are.
- Porn- people of younger kids Amaze.org (videos-educational).
- Hook-up culture: Assumed that a physical relationship comes before an emotional relationship. Normalized path to relationship. Actually less likely to turn into relationship. College-> hook up culture. Prioritizing as sex as status seeking. Presented as fun. But girls and boys and ambivalent. Girls angry. Boys admit- not really fun. More of a validation and a story you get to tell your friends the next day- it’s not about good sex.
- And yet they complain that it’s terrifying to send a morning after text! No idea of what the other person is thinking.
- Boys averting eyes. But boys say they don’t know what the other person is thinking. Rather avert your eyes than take the tiny risk of saying hello to your partner from the night before. Vulnerability. Ironic since if they connect it might lead to the thing they actually want!
- Problematic that we don’t educate boys about reciprocal, pleasurable sexuality.
- Average number of partners for 4 years on the college campus is 7 (not all intercourse).
- Wyatt and Nate. Nate asking about hook up culture. Wyatt had convo through Peggy. Personally authenticity. How doing something that isn’t who you are will kill your soul. Boys helping other boys. What if you could create space where boys could have these honest conversation about the man box and what they could do instead?
- Parents of kids who identify LGBTQ- must talk to them about sex too! Lots of social identity acceptance but still not talking about sex.
- On Grinder. Torso photo on app- anonymous sex. Our gay boys putting themselves in harm’s way.
- Must discuss with LGBTQ what sex involves. And we have to know ourselves. Can’t shroud in mystery over there. Not about reproduction and we get uncomfortable. How can we provide social situations that are more age appropriate? Important! If we don’t provide that, they are going to engage in unsafe behavior. Many adults are thankful that this convo is being brought up. Gay boys provide a model- how to navigate consent: What are you into? (Dan Savage talks about this).
- Consent: Not yes or no answers. Discussion. What are you into? Girls socialized to NOT say anything about this- makes conversation difficult. Doesn’t create the type of relationships we want them to have and they would want to have.
- CONVOS: Convo starts before sex- to broaden emotional range. Name emotions beyond anger. Lose capacity to name emotions. Things get funneled to anger. Talk about consent. Discuss definition and consequences. Gender dynamics. It isn’t “a talk.” It isn’t about mechanics. Broad convo about media. Promote health. Discuss man box and how to can sabotage wellbeing and ability to have relationships. Long game. Want young people to have personally fulfilling and mutually satisfying relationships.
- Adult men- you don’t need to be perfect- but be part of the conversation. You can make a difference here.
- Enlist help from other adults if needed! Even if you have a great relationship! Show up without fear- scaffolding a new kind of relationship that is based on mutual respect.
Notable Quotables:
“When the #MeToo allegations came out, there was a mandate to reduce sexual violence. It provided an exciting opportunity to engage boys and young men in deep conversation about sex, intimacy, masculinity and gender. We need to know what’s going on in their heads if we are going to help them make the best choices.”
* “When we cut boys off from their capacity for vulnerability, empathy and compassion, we cut off their capacity to have the very kinds of mutually gratifying and personally fulfilling relationships that we want our boys and young men to have. That harms them and that harms their romantic partners as well.”
* “Someone said to me; ‘is it you or UPorn, who is going to educate your kids about sex?”
* “Porn shows that sex is something that men do to women. Female pleasure is a performance for male satisfaction. A lot of eroticized violence and humiliation even on a very low level and a lot of acts that wouldn’t feel good to most people and especially most women. Absent of any discussion from trusted adults, that’s their sex educator now.”
* “Media affects our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions even when we think it doesn’t. College guys who watch more porn are more likely to think its images are real. They are more to want to act out more aggressive actions in the bedroom. They are less satisfied with their partner’s interactions, less satisfied with their performance and less satisfied with their partner’s bodies.”
* “We don’t have the luxury of remaining silent about porn. And I know you’d rather poke yourself in the eye with a fork than talk to your son or daughter about porn- but we can’t NOT do it.”
* “We have done such better work with our girls. We have done so much work in recognizing the harm that media messages inflict on our daughters. We work from the time that they are tiny to create a counternarrative for them so that they will be armed with a critical lens that we hope will help them resist those crass, objectified, commodified harmful media messages and we say nothing to our boys. And they are growing up in the same stew—and if anything, it has turned up higher- and we think that magically they’’ come through that with no problem. It is doing our boys a disservice.”
* “I’ve come to this conclusion that if catching feelings is like a disease then to protect against a disease in sex like gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, then you put on a condom. If you want to protect against catching feelings, you have to put on your emotional condom. And that is alcohol. Alcohol is not just a lubricant for hook up culture, it is dependent on alcohol. Lisa Wade- “compulsory carelessness necessary to engage in a hook up.” Anesthetize self against feelings and accountability.
* “In hook-up culture, the majority of boys and girls are ambivalent. It teaches them more about what they don’t want than what they do.”
* “A hook up is more about validation and a story that you can tell your friends the next day. It’s not about good sex.”
* “We need to better educate boys about positive sexuality, pleasurable sexuality and reciprocal sexuality.”
* “A hook up will give you a warm body, a war story, an adrenaline rush- but it’s not going to give you good sex or the tools you need to have good sex or create the emotional connection that you want. Know this going in. And with boys, it denies the fundamental capacity for love.”
* “What if we could create space where boys could have these honest conversations with one another about what was real and what was false about the man box pose and what they could do instead and open up a broader vision of how they could conduct themselves and relate and be in this world and in their social life? How would that support who they are and change who they could be?”
* “I think the conversation with boys has to start before sex. We have to start by helping our boys stay connected to their vulnerability, compassion and empathy and broaden their emotional range.”
* “This is all about the long game of wanting our young people to have the kinds of relationships that are mutually gratifying and personally fulfilling. We want our young men to become the men that we know that they can be- to become their best selves.”
* “Enter the conversation where you can, when you can. Just start it.”*
Enter the conversation where you can, when you can, says @peggyorenstein about talking to boys about sex, porn and toxic masculinity. Listen in on #talktokids podcast- you don't want to miss this!
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YES!! We need to better educate boys about positive sexuality, pleasurable sexuality and reciprocal sexuality. ~@Peggyorenstein on #talktokids podcast. #sexeducation
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Resources:
* PeggyOrenstein.com
* Boys and Sex (book)
The post How to Talk to Boys about Sex with Peggy Orenstein Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Break the Cycle of Reactive ParentingThis podcast will focus on breaking the cycle of reactive parenting so that we don’t get derailed by everyday challenges, irritations, and frustrations while parenting. Hunter-Clarke-Fields provides specific strategies for all parents to use so that we can bring more calm and peace into our daily lives.
Guest Expert: Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE
Many parents might look at the challenges, irritations and frustrations of parenting and blame the child—thinking; “if I can fix my child, these issues will disappear.” But what if we didn’t blame the child or ourselves, and instead looked at our temporary failures and our stressors as teachers—so that we can calm our stress responses in the most stressful moments and have a better relationship both with ourselves, and our children? My next guest believes that’s the perfect place to start in order to break the cycle of reactive parenting and raise kind, confident kids.
Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE, RYT , is a mindful mama mentor. Hunter is the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, host of the Mindful Mama podcast and widely-followed author of Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids. She helps parents bring more calm and peace into their daily lives. Hunter has over twenty years of experience in meditation practices and has taught mindfulness to thousands worldwide.
Important Messages:
* Transform generational patterns: We can see that our parents had suffering and our grandparents did, and, and they’ve passed on seeds to us. We now have this amazing opportunity when we become parents to, to transform those and to create an evolution in the way that we parent. And I really think that this can transform so many people suffering and create stronger relationships for life.
* Awareness that comes from paying attention on purpose and without judgment
* In tough moments, our nervous system is perceiving our child as a threat. We would love to just be able to like respond calmly and rationally and thoughtfully, but in the brain, the amygdala, which is the alarm bells of the brain– the threat response. It’s bypassing all the other parts of the brain. What’s cool about mindfulness is once we start to understand the brain—it can help!
* Johns Hopkins found 47 different studies that show that mindfulness meditation practice can reduce anxiety, reduce depression, increase feelings of wellbeing, increase health responses in medical situations, and increase your quality of sleep. But what’s really, really interesting and important for us as parents to realize is that it really increases our impulse control.
* With mindfulness, there’s zero side effects and it’s an amazing superpower.
* What are your common triggers? We want to be calm and think and pause. What’s going on? What need is my child trying to meet right now? What is a better response here?
* Mindfulness- you’re building a muscle. It changes your brain! Studies show in before and after- amygdala becomes less dense. Connection with amygdala weakens. Your anxieties come up with practicing- but helps you to be more nonreactive.
* Steps. Understand brain. You can’t just tell yourself to be calm. Acknowledge what’s happening in the moment. Helping calming. And modeling for our kids. “I’m starting to get really frustrating here.” Stress response taking over. Take Breaths. Take a moment. “I need a break right now, I need to breath.”
* With mindfulness, sometimes the body leads the mind and other times the mind leads the body. Body leads mind: Taking breaths. Mind leading body: “There is no threat present, it’s ok, this is a stressful moment.”
* Mantras: “I’m a ninja mom” “I’m helping my child” “This is not an emergency.”
* Hunter Tip: Own your feelings. Rehearse and then use: “I am so angry right now.” Then take the break.
* Dr. Robyn Tip: Parenting Out Loud. “I’m so angry right now. I need to go and take a deep breath to calm down so I’m going to go do that right now.” Modeling the language and the action.
* Compassion practice. Understand selves. See selves more fully, Our own moments of suffering.
* We weren’t really taught how to take care of difficult feelings.
* Tara Brock teaches a lot about RAIN. Rain stands for Recognize, Accept or allow, Investigate and Nurture or Nourish with self-compassion.
* Recognize: Body: What is happening in my body? In my hands? In my jaw?
* Name: I am feeling anxiety right now.
* Talk to the feeling. “Hello anxiety, my old friend.” Accept it, it lets go.
* Give self-compassion.
* Message to those parents and teachers- more challenging situations: Need more resources. Calming the nervous system. More compassion to responses to our children who have larger challenges. “This is hard.” “I’m doing what I can.”
* We do tend to talk to kids in this kind of like a really rude way that we don’t talk to other people in the regular population. We have to teach our kids life skills- but need to also be aware of our own language and tone. “Hey honey, looks like you forgot your cereal bowl. Would you mind cleaning that up before you go upstairs? Thanks.” How would you say it to your Aunt Sally? No threats or punishment.
* Sibling rivalry. Are your shoulders by your ears? Might be telling yur body about an impending threat. I would sit your kids down in a neutral moment and talk about how this behavior is making you feel and also how it’s affecting your life. And I would avoid using the word constantly like or always or never. They’re not accurate words.
* Translate for the siblings. Sportscaster. “So you want this and that and he wants this and that.”
* Also, ask how they want it handled. Do you want me to step in when you start to ramp up?
* Make sure you debrief after it’s settled too.
* Remember to take time for you. What works for you? Take a walk, a bath, listen to music. Breathe.
Notable Quotables:
“Being mindful has zero side effects and is an amazing superpower!”
* “When you are working on mindfulness, you’re building a muscle. You are building a muscle of non-reactivity.”
* “With mindfulness, sometimes the body leads the mind and other times the mind leads the body.”
* “When you are triggered and you notice that you’re getting really frustrated, name it to tame it. It can be really helpful to tell yourself, ‘this is not an emergency.’”
* “It’s hard to be a human being on Earth. There’s a lot to handle! When we try to look a bit more objectively at ourselves, be nonjudgmental and more curious, we give ourselves a soft landing and allow ourselves to grow from inevitable mistakes.
* When we allow the feeling, when we make space for it, there’s less of like gripping and less of a running away.
* “We can’t give, what we do not have. Our kids sense our, our inner state. That’s what makes this inner work so important and what needs to happen before we get to the communication piece.”
* “When talking about your child’s behavior, avoid using ‘constantly,’ ‘always’ or ‘never.’ They are not accurate words.”*
Being mindful has zero side effects and is an amazing superpower!, says @HClarkeFields on #talktokids podcast
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=
When talking about your child’s behavior, avoid using ‘constantly,’ ‘always’ or ‘never.’ They are not accurate words, says @HClarkeFields on #talktokids podcast
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Resources:
* Raising Good Humans (book)
* https://mindfulmamamentor.com/
The post How to Break the Cycle of Reactive Parenting with Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Stepfamilies and Blended FamiliesThis podcast will focus on the 5 love languages and how they apply to blended families. Blended families must learn how to navigate step parents, step siblings, step grandparents with all of their nuances, needs, rules, emotions, concerns and ways that all of these different people want to feel valued and important. Stepfamilies must deal with the pain of the past, the complexities of new relationships and the unique challenges that come with creating one family. As parents and stepparents, how can we have these important conversations about fear, loss, inclusion, empathy and connection—tying the binds between the biological family members and the new family members? How do we find love, strengthen it and keep it in a step family? This podcast addresses these unique challenges.
Guest Expert: Ron L. Deal, MMFT
Every person in a family wants to feel loved and wants to be able to show love to others who they care about and appreciate. And while that concept may be simple- the execution can be surprisingly complicated as not everyone gives and receives love in the same way. Some may desire reassuring physical touch while another person enjoys compliments, encouragement and other words of affirmation. Still others may feel most loved when they receive gifts or their family members do acts of service for them—cooking, cleaning, picking up the dry cleaning, or fixing something that might help the other person. Some prefer quality time. Perhaps you recognize your love language in all of these—and the love languages of others in your family. Things get convoluted– and well-intentioned people miss the mark when they, for instance, value acts of service but their partner or children show love through quality time or words of affirmation. Not to mention, this can be hard enough in a family that hasn’t gone through the life altering changes like divorce, remarriage or death of a parent—but what about the blended family who has to navigate step parents, step siblings, step grandparents with all of their nuances, needs, rules, emotions, concerns and ways that all of these different people want to feel valued and important? Blended families must deal with the pain of the past, the complexities of new relationships and the unique challenges that come with creating one family. As parents and stepparents, how can we have these important conversations about fear, loss, inclusion, empathy and connection—tying the binds between the biological family members and the new family members? How do we find love, strengthen it and keep it in a step family? For these answers, I have the honor of having a wonderful conversation with our guest today, Ron L. Deal.
Ron L. Deal is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He is founder of Smart Stepfamilies, director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife®, and the author of numerous books on stepfamily living including the bestselling The Smart Stepfamily. He is also the consulting editor for the Smart Stepfamily Series of books. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist, popular speaker and host of Family Life Blended. He and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. His newest book, Building Love Together In Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart was co-written with best-selling author, Gary Chapman, known for his breakthrough work in The 5 Love Languages. You can find out more about Ron and his work with step families at RonDeal.org.
The podcast provides:
- A discussion about the 5 love languages and how they apply to blended families
- How to understand loyalty issues in blended families
- How to discuss loss in blended families
- The meaning behind words children say as they relate to love languages
- How the blender vs the slow cooker applies to the blended family
- The unique challenges that blended families must cope with in order to become “one.”
- The challenges of the blended family during COVID 19. Important Messages:
- Being loved and knowing how to love others- fundamentally gets at something that is universal. If you want to love well, you have to lose yourself.
- You have to be willing to realize that while you might be more comfortable giving love one way, someone else might be more in need of receiving love in a different way- how do I set aside what I think love should look like? How do I serve in order to connect to you in a way that is meaningful and communicates the care that I feel?
- “I’m learning to set aside me to love in a way that is meaningful to them.”
- In a different country- best to speak in their language.
- Words of affirmation: Compliments, expressing their value to them, kind words.
- Acts of service: Doing things for others (takes it off other’s to-do list)
- Quality time: Being with the other person (means different things to different people)
- Giving gifts: Doesn’t have to have a dollar amount (can be a rock, a leaf, or a gift that costs money)
- Physical touch
- All people need all of these from birth. Most people have 1 or 2 that is on top.
- Find out what their primary love language is so you go-to it when it really counts.
- COVID-19: Even the physical touch people might need some during this time but maybe not in some times because you want space.
- One rose vs a dozen- more doesn’t mean better. “If you really want to give a gift that matters, give the her what she wants not what I think she should want.”
- Blended vs biological families- just because you are a couple doesn’t mean you are a family. Lots of extra challenges in a blended family. Takes 5-7 years to become “one” when you blend a family. Making room in my heart and life. Journey that takes time. Divorce rate is high so many don’t get to that point.
- How do I express love that doesn’t compete with other relationships?
- Spending time with kids in bio families can feel totally normal- but if you want to spend time with your kids and it’s blended, it may be questioned. Someone might feel left out or envious. Someone might not feel supported. (i.e. step mom not included- and yet trying to bond-feel like an outsider). “I’m feeling like an outsider and you are over there with the insiders and I am competing to belong.”
- Physical touch: Let’s say step daughter’s love language is physical touch. And step mom says to self, “ok, I’m going to give her a big hug.” But the step daughter bristles. Step mom is baffled. It didn’t work because step daughter is trying to figure out where to put step mom in her heart. Feels disloyal to her bio-mom in that moment, fearful, if my mom saw me, she might not like that. Thinking; “I like you, I kind of love you, sometimes I don’t love you. Not sure what to do with this.” Ambiguity.
- It’s not as easy- more challenging when you don’t have clear relationships lines.
- Gently apply love languages.
- Dialects; unique within love language (one rose vs a dozen- unique to that person). Quality time might be movie time for one, for another it’s talking face to face.
- Levels: “Make a friend in the neighborhood.” Wouldn’t go to neighbor and shove yourself in and say “I’m your new BFF.” Need levels to grow the relationship. Same is true for step parents.
- You have to have levels of connection in order to grow your friendships. The same is true in step-families. You can’t force your way in. You have to knock on the door and wait- talk through the door, find things you have in common, develop trust, maybe they will one day will invite you in to the living room of their heart.
- Big hugs might be a step daughter’s love language but you are new to her. So start at level 1. Maybe that’s a fist bump or a touch on the elbow. Then let that ride. Fast forward some time. And perhaps you do a shoulder to shoulder playful touch. Playing a game and you push her on the shoulder and say “that was a good move.” One day it will be a bear hug.
- Mature step parent who recognizes loyalty conflict a child is having (receives a hug from you and is conflicted because of loyalty towards his/her parent). Might say to child on way to school; “I know I just want you to know that I really care for you and I really appreciate your relationship. And we are figuring this out. And I also know that this might be hard for you because you love your mom- and I want you to know that that is okay with me, that is good and right and I will never get in the way of that relationship between you and your mother. I’m not trying to be your mom, she’s your mom- I just appreciate what we have. And I know we’ll figure it out—and it’s okay if sometimes might find it difficult to like me back.” (So difficult- but a beautiful bridge- vulnerable and allow conversation to happen)
- When you take this initiative- you put words to how they feel. And you declare you that you are not trying to compete. So important. You have permission, freedom. Not trying to replace. Child sees you as respectable.
- Loss—comment on the elephant in the room. Bring it up.
- Imagine a family has experiences loss- death of father/husband. They are a single parent family and the kids and the remaining parent are bonded. They’ve been down same road. And they talk about Dad. Then dating happens. And parent is not talking as much about the past, but rather, the future. Now there isn’t space for family grieving. This is another loss for children. Dad is alive and well in their hearts.
- Mom needs to step into that grieving space even after the new marriage.
- Script: In this case- Stepdad- want to really show love to these children? Let them (and wife) talk about their deceased dad in front of you. And say things like; “wow, he was a great guy. I wish I could have met him. Tell me that story again about that funny thing he did…” Enter than sad space with them. Guarantee they will see you as honorable, respectable, worthy to be close to, trust you with the hard stuff.
- VS if you won’t let them talk about the hard stuff- the wall goes up higher and thicker and it’s harder to bond.
- Script: Father’s Day, mother’s day, birthdays, still need to deal with loss. Maybe it’s an ambiguous loss- father is sort of around but not really. “Father’s Day is coming up. I know you’d probably want to be with your Dad, not so much with me, and you can’t get in touch with him. This is hard. I hate that for you.” Don’t ask a question. Stop. Talk out loud about what you are feeling. PAUSE. Then allow them to talk. Don’t ask- and how do you feel about that? Just put a period after your thoughts and let them contribute.
- Acknowledge sadness. Step-parents; A child’s sadness about the family that was lost, the parent that dies, what will never be for them, is not a rejection of you.” Support them. Encourage their discussion.
- Conversations about dating or about the new fiancé after being a single family for a while after divorce or after death of a parent- important to have these without the new person there so honesty can happen.
- Script: “Whenever we bring subject up of me getting married, you roll your eyes and cross your arms. Would you mind putting words on that for me?” Then stop talking. “And I really want to know, and I won’t be defensive, since I really want to know how you are feeling.” Work really hard to understand. Listen. Affirm. “Sounds like you are mad. You’re worried about Dad. Sounds like you feel like this is like Dad died all over again.” Hug it for a while. “I get that. And I am thinking of moving forward in this relationship and I am taking what you are saying into consideration.” Child doesn’t determine when and if you get married- but stupid to ignore a child’s feelings. It will make it harder to blend. The harder it is for a child to embrace the step parent, the harder it is for your families to merge as well.”
- Ask what if: Before dating. What if I started dating again? Then, what if I were to ask ______ out? Bring them into the process. What’s their heart and mind today? Informing them. This might happen. What if I were to ask _______ to marry me?” Helps you make decisions about timing, pace. Emotionally moving towards your kids.
- How to cook ingredients of the family together- use a slow cooker not a blender. Blenders have blades and cut things up and force relationships. Looks like: Step mom tells step child to call her mom even though “I’m not your mom”. Crock pots have slow heat. What term would you like to call me? Co-create reality. Empower them to have a voice. They will move into the transition.
- When children have some say in the process, the research is clear that these kids are far more accepting of the step parent and the new blended family and are more adaptable. Children who feel like they have no choice have far more resistance and are angry and resentful about it.
- Adult kids are also having big reactions- bring them into the process- and they will be more open.
- COVID-19. Stress arises. People pull into insiders (bio family). Social distancing- happens all the time in blended families. When climate gets harsh and dangerous- retreat back to comfy places where it’s easy and safe with comfortable, safe people. Stress pulls them apart. Blender mentality does not work here. Need space. Grace space.
- “Your child is rude.” Put away in defensiveness. Chase the pain.” Sounds like you are upset. What’s the pain for you?” Defensiveness not helpful. Sometimes they don’t know what the pain here. It’s about rejection.
- You can pick up on love language from listening to child. Fishing for compliments? Words of affirmation might be their greatest need (past age of 5).
- “Dad, why are you always looking at your phone?” The child is saying quality time is needed.
- All kids need all 5 love languages.
- Child gets quiet when you give love to a step child (like an only child who now has baby brother). Do something in that moment- touch your bio child- I still see you. Later, connect with them. Don’t take away from moment- but a duel need.
- Getting step family smart makes a difference. What’s unique about step families- need to know the challenges so you can move forward.
- For some, the crock pot doesn’t cook fast enough. Blender or quit. Divorce rate higher. Loneliness. Takes time to get there.
Notable Quotables:
“If you want to love well, you have to lose yourself.”
* “I’m learning to set aside me to love in a way that is meaningful to them.”
* “When you want to communicate love and care in a way that is deeply meaningful to someone, the love languages are a guide so you know where the bullseye is.”
* “If you really want to give a gift that matters, give the others what they want not what I think they should want.”
* “Coupleness is what you created before you got married. Familyness is what you are now trying to create after you got married.”
* “The relationships between blended family members are not as easy as when you have clearly defined biological relationships.”
* “You have to have levels of connection in order to grow your friendships. The same is true in step-families. You can’t force your way in. You have to knock on the door and wait. After you find what you have in common and you develop some trust, perhaps one day the other person will invite you into the living room of their heart. That’s how you make a friend.”
* “The minute the child feels like a step parent is trying to move in and push their other biological parent out of their heart, the wall just went up a little higher and got a lot thicker.”
* “Comment on the elephant in the room.”
* “If a step-parent really wants to show love to his children, let them talk about the parent they lost in front of you. Say things like; “wow, he was a great guy. I really wish I could have met him. Tell me that story again when he did that funny thing? “When you enter that sad place with them, they will see you as respectable, honorable and worthy of being close to as they can trust you with the hard stuff.”
* “Emotionally move towards your kids instead of running away into a new dating partner and a new spouse.”
* “How do you cook the ingredients of your family together? Even though it’s called a blended family, don’t use a blender because blenders have blades. It cuts people up and force ingredients into a relationship with one another…Use a slow cooker on low heat instead.
* “When children have some say in the process, the research is clear that these kids are far more accepting of the step parent and the new blended family and are more adaptable. Children who feel like they have no choice have far more resistance and are angry and resentful about it.”
* “There’s a honeymoon for remarried couples. It just comes at the end of the journey, not at the beginning.”*
There’s a honeymoon for remarried couples. It just comes at the end of the journey, not at the beginning, says @RonLDeal on #talktokids podcast.
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If you want to love well, you have to lose yourself, says @RonLDeal on #talktokids podcast.
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Resources:
* RonDeal.org
* Building Love Together in Blended Families (book)
* The Smart Step-Family (book)
* 5lovelanguages.com
The post How to Talk to Kids about StepFamilies and Blended Families with Ron L. Deal, MMFT ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about Meaning & Purpose in a Secular AgeThis podcast focuses on talking to kids* on talking to kids about finding meaning, connection and purpose even if they are not raised in a religious family—or if they are raised in a family without religion at all. Tips and scripts are provided by our guest, Katherine Ozment, author of Grace without God.***
Special Guest: Katherine OzmentStudies continually show that people who are raised with religion are show that happier, healthier and more giving, and have a strong sense of connection to their past and community. Most Americans are raised with some kind of religion and yet, many have started to leave the religion they grew up with for many different personal reasons. But if religion makes us happier, healthier and more connected, how do people cope with the void left after leaving their religion? And what happens to the kids who are raised without religion?
Katherine Ozment is the author of Grace Without God: The Search for Meaning, Purpose, and Belonging in a Secular Age. She is an award-winning journalist who has worked in publishing for more than twenty-five years, including as a senior editor at National Geographic, for which she once rode a donkey through the desert of Israel and Jordan for several weeks. Her essays and articles have been widely published in such venues as National Geographic, The New York Times, and Salon. Grace Without God was named a best book of the year by Publishers Weekly and Spirituality & Health. I’m not surprised because it is beautifully written and thought provoking. You can learn more about Katherine and her book in the show notes of this podcast as well as on her website www.katherineozment.com
The podcast provides:
- What it means to be a “none” and why their numbers are rising so dramatically.
- What the unique challenges are of raising children outside the religious framework.
- How to answer some of life’s biggest questions without the framework of religion and the religious stories to provide the answers.
- How science and nature provide answers to many deep questions.
- How to ensure children have a sense of belonging and purpose when they are not involved in religion.
- Tips on how to ensure our children feel a sense of belonging and purpose no matter what their religious involvement is in this day and age.
- Scripts of how to talk to kids about these tough topics and questions. Important Messages:
- In the late 1980s, the number of people who checked “none of the above” when choosing which religion they assigned themselves to started to rise. The Pew foundation has found that about 20% of people now consider themselves part of the “nones” (now about 25%) The number is still rising. Among them, 33% of millennials define themselves this way (now about 40%).
- This changing dynamic has changed parenting.
- How are parents, these days, making sense of the things religion used to help us make sense of?
- A lot of people are leaving all sorts of institutions. This creates freedom- there’s a real liberation but when we leave, we lose a lot of support and connection- this creates a big challenge.
- Religion has brought people together with a sense of belonging, rituals and being connected to something larger than ourselves that gives us meaning.
- We can’t ignore our children’s questions simply because we can’t answer them for ourselves.
- It’s important to give our children options- to believe or not to believe- that their way is okay even if it’s different than their mother. There is more than just one way.
- You can use nature and science to provide another possible avenue for answers.
- When someone has an awe experience, time slows down. They are more grateful.
- There are many ways to experience awe. You can get it from religion but you can also get it in nature or with people, doing some wonderful thing. We can have it in a simple moment.
- Those who are fully involved in the religious community (go to the potluck, the book club, etc.) vs. those who are not involved and simply sit in the back, have very different experiences in terms of happiness and long life. Connectedness is very important.
- Find people who share some of your values and create community with them (listen to Katherine’s story about the secular Shabbat).
- In research (see Rick Weissbourd of Making Caring Common and his podcast with us as well), parents say they want their kids to be good people but the kids say their parents want them to do well academically. Are we walking our talk? Are we conveying that we want our kids to be kind people—and if so, how?
- Let’s get back to a communal mentality and find out from our children how they are going to contribute to the community- what gifts will help others?
- We need to look at religion and notice what we’ve gotten from it- there are many wonderful things about religion. “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.” What are people lacking if they don’t have religion and what should they seek out?
Notable Quotables:
“Newly secular parents, raising secular kids when they, in fact, were raised religiously, are having to create what religion provided: A sense of belonging, rituals and being connected to something larger than ourselves that gives us meaning. They are having to look outside religious institutions to do it.”
* “We were raising our children secular without much thought. But when my child asked me what we were, I decided that I needed to raise my children secular with much thought.”
* “Part of the journey parents should take is one within themselves to decide what is it that you believe.”
* “Questions beget questions. One question leads to another question as we continue to try to untangle life’s mysteries.”
* “None of us really know, for sure, the answers to life’s questions—so why not legitimize that to our children? So that when they ask, it’s OK not to say “absolutely this!” or “absolutely that!” It’s okay to live in the questions.”
* “The importance of life is the time we are here on Earth—that is all we know that we can control.”
* “To live forever is to live through the way you affect others. The way you are in community and family and in the things that you do in your life is heaven on Earth in a way. It is how we pass on our lives and the meaning of our lives to others.”
* “If we can stop ourselves and let ourselves notice these moments of awe, we feel deeply connected to the life cycle, to the world, to nature and to other people. This is how to live a meaningful life and how to help your children feel that they are part of something bigger than themselves.”
* “Start telling your children stories about their ancestors. Stories of struggle. Stories of success. Stories of having to work really hard. There’s research about the intergenerational self—a sense a child has that they are part of a long line of people. They are not just some random person floating around in 2018. They actually come from a long line of people who worked really hard to get here and passed certain things down through the family line. Kids who have a stronger intergenerational self are more resilient when faced with challenges in their lives.” (Marshall Duke, Emery University)
* If you are being raised in a religious household, you might be able to call on Judaism or Mormonism of whatever that faith is that you have to get whatever kind of multigenerational self and feel that you are part of this rich history. For kids who are raised without religion, it’s got to come from a different source so we can look at our ancestors so that know that they are not alone.”
* “Human nature is that we love to belong.”
* “Find people who share some of your values. Figure out ways that you can create these communities of shared values.”
* “It’s key to create a feeling of sacredness. This is something we do and we’re not going to stop doing it.”
* “Religions thrived through the millennia because people were willing to pay the cost in time to do the rituals and sit there and there was a pay off for that. There were all these people and there were all these rituals but there was a trade off. It doesn’t come without effort.”
* “Your life is a privilege and you should live it well.”
* “Make time for awe and wonder in your life. If you do that, your life will be more meaningful.”
* “If you seek work in connections that give you a sense of being larger than just yourself, then your life will have purpose.”
* “Instead of talking about a label, let’s talk about what’s underneath labels. Let’s talk about what it means to be a human being who’s thinking and questioning and striving to be a better person.”
* “Can you boil down, in 10 items, what you really want your kids to know?”
* “At the final coming of age ceremony in Northern California of a group of teenagers, they asked 2 questions; what is the thing about you that makes you unique? And what is your gift to the world?”
* “When you’re living in the questions, you are living a curious life, potentially full of wonder because everything you see is an opportunity for growth. Everything you see is an opportunity for connection.”*
The importance of life is the time we are here on Earth—that is all we know that we can control, says @KatherineOzment on #talktokids #podcast
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Newly secular parents, raising secular kids, are having to create what religion provided: A sense of belonging, rituals and being connected to something larger than ourselves says @KatherineOzment #talktokids
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Resources:
* KatherineOzment.com
* Grace without God (book)
The post How to Talk to Kids about Meaning & Purpose in a Secular Age with Katherine Ozment Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
The Good News about Bad BehaviorThis podcast will focus on the good news about bad behavior! Looking into some of the top parenting models, Katherine Reynolds Lewis and Dr. Robyn Silverman discuss how best to help our children thrive in different situations. Inspired by parenting models from authors and podcast guests, Dr. Ross Greene and Vicki Hoefle (among others), we discuss how to best handle different scenarios that are common in households across the world. Ultimately, we want to use connection and communication to help children learn strategies that help them to become more capable—and also allow them to learn self-regulation.
Special guest: Katherine Reynolds Lewis.
There is a new and surprising problem that has quietly but perhaps not unnotably come to fruition during more recent years—our children are out of control in comparison to previous generations. It’s not your imagination. A recent study of first-graders found that they could sit still for no more than three minutes—which is actually only a quarter of the time that their peers could in 1948. Government statistics show that half of all children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age 18. What the heck is going on? I receive questions through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and email all asking about what parents, teachers and coaches can do to get children to behave better. The old methods of rewards and punishments—star charts and time outs are not working. Are your ears perking up? We’ve all seen it and you are not alone.
My next guest has some good news about bad behavior—and some great tips and scripts to help us better understand our children and how to help our children learn to self–regulate.
Katherine Reynolds Lewis is an award-winning journalist and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever – And What to Do About It. Her work has appeared in the Atlantic, Fortune, Money, Mother Jones, The New York Times, Parade, Slate, USA Today’s magazine group, the Washington Post Magazine and Working Mother. She’s an EWA Education Reporting Fellow and Logan Nonfiction Fellow at the Carey Institute for Global Good. Residencies include the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts and Ragdale. Previously, Katherine was a national correspondent for Newhouse and Bloomberg News, covering everything from financial and media policy to the White House. She holds a BA in physics from Harvard University and is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md. She and her husband Brian are the proud parents of three children, 25, 14 and 12 years old.
The podcast provides:
- Why we are facing a crisis of self-regulation now—and what we can do about it.
- Why time-outs don’t work.
- The most powerful tools we can use with children to help with behavior and wellbeing?
- Why we must give up the goal of being the “perfect parent” and how making mistakes is helpful to raising well-adjusted kids.
- How to use the “Apprenticeship model.”
- How to respond when a child makes a poor behavioral choice such as throwing toys/chairs, not going to bed when it’s time, pushing back when asked to shut off screen-time.
- What to do when a child is having trouble in school. Important Messages:
- Katherine investigated Dr. Greene’s model (see Dr. Green’s interview on the podcast here-> DrRobynSilverman.com/RGreene_PC) up in Maine. This sparked a viral article on Mother Jones and then, the book.
- In the book, Katherine looked into 4 different models- Dr. Greene’s model, the Pax Good Behavior Game, Parent Encouragement Program, Vicki Hoefle (Duct Tape Parenting).
- Is there something different about kids today? What can we do about it? These are the key questions Katherine sought to answer.
- 1 in 2 kids will be diagnosed with a mood or behavioral disorder by age 18.
- The suicide rates have doubled in the last decade (ages 10-14 years old) according to the CDC. Increased 41% in kids ages 15-19.
- 3 common elements in parenting models that work: (1) Focus on connection between the adult and child (2) Communication between the adult and child (3) Capability building- growing life skills and social-emotional skills.
- Neuroscience- when they are dysregulated and in flight or flight- their amygdala lights up. They are not able to access the prefrontal cortex. Our goal is to help them self-regulate and problem-solve- and make a plan for next time- and understand what’s happening with them in their brains.
- For example, child is using the ipad when s/he is not supposed to do so. If we lean into them and start yelling, they get amped up, the amydala starts going into fight or flight. Get zen, connect (arm around them), empathy for what they are doing, then move on to communication. “Wow! You are still doing fortnite? I thought you had moved on from that already.” Then go to the communication piece. You can put your hand out- that pressure can make it so your child responds- without arguing. You can discuss after “We had a problem- are you able to use devises on a school day or should we reserve them for the weekend?” Problem-solve.
- You can also have a consequence. Agreed-upon. Matter-of-fact. You lose 15 min of screen-time.
- We need to have the courage to be imperfect, to try something new and fail and to recognize that something we are doing is not working. Because- (1) We are imperfect. (2) We are the model. Show them how to respond to stress and messing up.
- Apprenticeship model- we don’t expect our children to be great at these skills already—they are learning, we are coaching, we are mentoring.
- In previous generations, there was a lot more autonomy. Kids had the chance to try things and mess up and try again. They weren’t overscheduled- they got to play. We need to take more of a mentoring role—let the be your apprenticeship.
- What does it feel like when you are having a panic attack? Let’s brainstorm 10 things you can do when this happens again—tools in THEIR toolbox. What worked? What didn’t work? They can get better and better.
- Child throws a chair: Safety first. Dr. Greene’s mode- coactive solutions. What happened? What made you throw a chair? How did YOU feel? How did YOU experience it? What is a solutions you can use for next time so you don’t get to that point again? If they are unsure, you can wait. Or you can reflect back—“From your body and your voice, it looks like this is an uncomfortable conversation for you. Do y0u think you are in trouble? This is not about being in trouble. I’m not angry- I want to find a solution with you.” You can apologize- “I’m sorry that I didn’t notice you were so worked up before you threw that chair…” You are not leaving the child blameless but you are taking on part of the responsibility and ownership of the problem and the solution. You can also say; “Take a guess. I’m not you, I’m not in your body or in your mind…or know what it’s like for you. We can always try it.” Or “if a friend of yours was in the same situation, what do you think would help him?”
- Sleeping issues: Don’t yell BUT don’t give in- don’t lie down with them or let them stay up.
- Script: (used at a different time than bedtime) “We know you guys love to connect around bedtime. For us, that’s a cooling down time from our day. We need adult time. After 8pm, we are going to be doing our winding down time- reading a book and connecting with each other during adult time. Before 8pm, we’d love to read you a story, talk about your day, cuddle, brush teeth together—but after 8pm, we’re going to be offline.” Then they agree. Put it in place and let it play out. After 8pm- don’t engage. “We’re off-duty.” Then, ignore. Then, they became much more aware of the time. Respectful of the child but also of the parents.
- Sibling rivalry is how kids learn social skills. It’s great practice—conflict resolution, negotiation, compromise. Stay out of it!
- Some people say; “all fighting must happen outside.” If you can’t resolve it quietly inside, you must go out on the front lawn.
- Strategy: Everyone in the same boat. “It looks like the remote control is causing a fight. I’m going to put it away. If you can resolve it calmly amongst yourselves, you can have it back.” The toy- or object is the problem.
- Strategy- talk it out. “It seems like you’ve been fighting a lot lately. Can I help with that?”
- Build your child’s awareness. Learn about themselves.
- Raising Awareness: Ask questions. “I hear you saying you don’t want to go to school. In the past, you have enjoyed it. What’s going on? What’s changed for you? What’s it like for you?” “I hear that this is hard for you. I’m not there with you in school- so paint me a picture—and tell me about one thing that’s hard for you in school.” (The kids are annoying, the teacher is annoying….) “OK- so the teacher is annoying. What did s/he say? What did you do? What do you think the teacher was thinking—why did s/he do what s/he did?” (Thank child for sharing it with you).
- “Is there one thing you can do tomorrow that would make things easier for you? Better for you?” Then follow up. Did you do that thing? Did it help? May take a while before they understand their role.
- Use reflective listening. How was this? It sounds like…
- Our children are not broken. Not flawed. Every human being has a unique mix of brain construction.
Notable Quotables:
“1 in 2 kids will have a mood or behavioral disorder by age 18.” (NIH- representative sample of more than 10K kids).
* “Suicide rates have doubled in the last decade for kids ages 10-14 years old and have increased 41% in kids ages 13-19 years old. That’s an epidemic. Our children are dying because they can’t control their big emotions or their worried thoughts, or their troublesome behavior. Something needs to be done differently.”
* “We want to be worked out of a job—when we, as parents, are no longer in charge of them, we aren’t controlling them and we aren’t telling them what to do because they have self-discipline.
* “When we can use connection, communication and capability in a solution to a child’s behavior—that is what is going to grow their self-regulatory skills.
* “Our kids need to make friends with making mistakes and failure—and we need to as well. We need to have the courage to be imperfect, to try something new and fail and to recognize that something we are doing is not working.”
* “Trying to be perfect is responsible for a lot of our bad parenting decisions.”
* “Our solutions need to be respectful of the child but also of the adults and our needs.”
* “Nagging your children is engaging with them.”
* “I have the cure for sibling rivalry: Have an only child.”
* “Sibling rivalry is how kids learn social skills.”
* “This is a long-term process: Our children learning about themselves, gaining awareness, and changing or modifying their behavior.”
* “The good news about bad behavior is that it signals to the adult that the child needs a skill for that situation—it’s a big red flag but it’s also a big opportunity for growing that child’s skills. It allows you to understand what’s getting in the child’s way and work with them on their behavior.”
* “Every human being has a unique mix of brain chemistry—and our kids are just the same. They need us to work with them as detectives, helping them to figure out what strategies and tools work for me? What helps me to thrive?”*
The good news about bad behavior is that while it’s a big red flag, it’s also a big opportunity for growing that child’s skills, says @KatherineLewis on #talktokids podcast. Find out what we can do to help our kids thrive.
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Resources:
* KatherineLewis.com
* The Good News about Bad Behavior (Amazon book)
* Mother Jones article: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/schools-behavior-discipline-collaborative-proactive-solutions-ross-greene/
* Dr. Greene’s #Talktokids interview: DrRobynSilverman.com/RGreene_PC
* Pax Good Behavior Game: https://www.goodbehaviorgame.org/
* Parent Encouragement Program: http://pepparent.org/
* Vicki Hoefle interview on #talktokids will be next week! Check back!
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
The post The Good News about Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Talk to Kids about the Gifts & Challenges of NeurodiversityThis podcast is about the gifts and challenges of raising neuro-diverse children and how we, as adults, educators and typically-developing children can support, encourage and help atypically-developing children thrive. What do we need to know about ADHD, autism, giftedness and more? How can we reframe, understand and pro-actively plan to help neurodiverse kids show their gifts rather than ask them to conform? Debbie Reber, author of Differently Wired, will shine high beams on solutions.
Imagine being stuck in a world that doesn’t really “get” who you are. You’re different and in many cases, people see these differences as bad and something that needs to be fixed. My next guest, Deborah Reber, has spoke to us before about neurodiversity- and is back to talk more specifically about what she refers to as “differently wired” kids. We are talking about the one in five children with ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger’s, giftedness, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and other neurodifferences. One in five—20% of children are neurodiverse and they have many challenges they must face. And along with these kids, come the parents who love them but arean’t quite sure how to best help their kids but will try just about anything. They try to find the right school, teachers, therapists, medications, as well as the right parenting group and friends who will support them. It’s hard to know how to handle it all- but Debbie Reber is here to help.
Debbie Reber is a New York Times bestselling author and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a website, top podcast, and social media community for parents who are raising differently wired children. Her newest book, Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World, came out just recently, in early June 2018. She currently lives with her son and husband in the Netherlands.
The podcast provides:
- The biggest challenges for parents who are raising differently wired kids.
- What’s really going on with kids who have ADHD.
- The challenges and gifts of giftedness.
- How to best support kids with autism—or what is sometimes still referred to as Asperger’s Syndrome.
- How parents and educators can pro-actively plan and help differently wired kids thrive.
- How “re-framing” and pinpointing hot buttons can be beneficial.
- How the book, Differently Wired, can help people who aren’t raising differently wired kids. Important Messages:
- Parents of differently wired children need to learn how to deal with the chasm between expectation and reality—it can cause anxiety and stress.
- What is at the root of your corrections? Are you worried about how others will judge your parenting? Are you worried about what people will say about your child? Is this all really important at the end of the day? Is this going to be negatively impact our child in the future?
- There are ways to gently remind or guide your child with regard to annoying behaviors. “The sound of someone chewing with their mouth open or crunching their cereal can really gross some people out and it’s something you may want to be aware of.”
- When our differently wired children misbehave or “over” react, it doesn’t feel good to them either—they don’t want to be doing this.
- Some people believe that ADHD isn’t a real thing. People seem to want to fix it because the behavior is disruptive in the school setting. But kids don’t want to be disruptive. This is just how they are wired. So kids with ADHD can feel like screw ups in a setting that isn’t really designed for them.
- Some differently wired kids outwardly look like they are not paying attention as they’re concentration looks different than their peers (doodling or looking at the window)—but they are, in fact, paying attention. As Debbie’s son says; “the minute I have to stop doing that other thing and look at them, I am so focused on not doing that behavior that I can’t hear anything they’re saying!”
- There are at least 20% of kids who are differently wired—so change will come.
- Get creative! Many schools are willing to try things are different things to meet your child’s needs.
- Giftedness is a trigger. There’s an assumption that giftedness is the golden ticket and this is not the case. They can be more emotional. They need to be shielded by things on the news because it can be highly anxiety-provoking. Support who your children are—and let them dive deep into their interest.
- Watch asymmetrical development—meaning that they may be at a higher intellectual level but a lower emotional level that their peers when it comes to development. This disconnect can be hugely unsettling—this is a very real thing and sensitive to this.
- Not understanding the social dynamic can be really challenging for kids with autism.
- Talk to your children about what they’ve seen in the world—“did you see what that child on the slide was doing? What did you think of that? I have a feeling that he’s working on understanding personal space. He really wanted to be right on in there and I could tell it was making people uncomfortable…what did you notice?” And underscore that everyone is moving through the world in a different way. My hunch is that he is dealing with X just like you are dealing with Y. We don’t want our child to be making a negative judgment about another child.
- Those who are neuro-typical, many have a drive to fit in so the kids who are neuro-diverse may stick out in a negative way.
- In public situations, the stakes are high. We must proactively plan. Make a list that reliably cause havoc and bring up issues and challenges. Work with your child on a solution. Prep for the plan. Role play and rehearse. It makes everyone more relaxed even if it doesn’t work perfectly the first or second time. This is giving them great skills—self reflection, self awareness, problem solving and perseverance. It’s a win, win for everyone.
Notable Quotables:
“At the root of the things that drive us crazy about our child may be concerns about what other people might be thinking. What are they thinking about our parenting? What are they saying about our child? Get to the root of that trigger. In order to accept who our child is, we need to notice what our trigger is and ask ourselves, is this really about my kid or is this my own issue?”
* “I am often reminded of that great quote from Dr. Ross Green; ‘Kids do well when they can.’ It’s a great reminder they are on their own timeline, sometimes they have lagging skills, sometimes they respond in a way they don’t like—but they are doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.
* “ADHD is one of the most maligned and stigmatized neuro-differences. It’s treated as something that needs to be corrected while there are lots of other neurodifferences like dyslexia where we accommodate and support the child and give them tools. But with ADHD, people look for ways to fix the behavior because the behavior can be challenging in a school setting.”
* So many kids ADHD feel like screw ups because the school system is almost designed to highlight their challenges.”
* “It’s up to parents like us to compassionately educate teachers.”
* “We have to make a ruckus in a compassionate way to align with our kids’ teachers and help them to understand how our child pays attention and what that looks like and work with them to come up with some solutions.”
* “There’s an assumption that giftedness is the golden ticket and this is just not the case. Gifted kids often feel different from their peers. They experience the world in a more intense way. They think about things so differently that they can have trouble finding other kids who ‘get them’ experience the world in the same way. So you can kind of feel like an alien walking around.”
* “So much learning in elementary school is happening by watching what your peers are doing. A kid who isn’t reading those social cues, watching their peers isn’t going to make any impression on them. So kids with autism tend to do their own thing. Peers notice this.”
* “When it comes to autism and other neurodifferences, we need to educate our neuro-typical kids to better understand and be aware that people are moving through the world in different ways. When we know what’s going on, it’s just a difference. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just what is.”
* “Neuro-typical kids can be the best allies for kids on the spectrum.”
* “We don’t want our child to be making negative judgments about another child when that child is simply expressing who they are. Use situations that happen as opportunities to expose our children to neuro-differences and plant the seed of compassion for other people and the way they are experiencing life.”
* “There’s such a high value on conformity, unfortunately.”
* “There are ways to be present and joyful even in the midst of the hard stuff and that’s something that every parent wants to experience.”
* “Differently wired kids are not broken. They don’t need fixing. Our job is not to get them to conform to our standards or to what society has deemed normal or right but to help them nurture their gifts and gain the self knowledge to be who they are and who they are meant to be.”*
Neurotypical kids can be the best allies for kids on the spectrum ~ @DebbieReber of @TiltParenting on this week's #talktokids podcast
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Resources:
TiltParenting.com
Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in A Conventional World
Tilt Parenting Podcast
The Gifted Homeschoolers Forum
Related Podcasts:
* Debbie Reber: How to Talk to Differently Wired Kids about their Strengths, Challenges and Differences
* Dr. Dehra Harris: How to Talk to Kids about ADHD and Impulsivity http://bit.ly/DrDehraPC
* Dr. Gail Saltz: How to Talk to Kids about the Power of Different http://bit.ly/DrGSaltzPC
The post How to Talk to Kids about the Gifts & Challenges of Neurodiversity with Debbie Reber ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
How to Show Self-Compassion When You Mess Up as a ParentThis podcast will focus on self-compassion, especially in moments when we mess up as parents. We need to remember, being a great parent is not the same thing as being a perfect parent. When we show ourselves self-compassion, we don’t judge ourselves and we show our kids that it’s okay to make mistakes and move forward.
Special guest: Carla Naumburg
Think you are doing a crappy job as a parent? You are not alone. It’s pretty much a byproduct of our society, with its incessant demands coupled with the in-your-face competitiveness parents see on social media. We mess up constantly—but my next guest reminds us that great parenting is not the same thing as perfect parenting. Great parenting starts with true self-compassion, the kind that means you don’t judge yourself. With her relatable voice and her hands-on strategies, I would like to introduce you to my friend and colleague, Carla Naumburg.
Bio
Carla Naumburg, PhD, is a clinical social worker and mother. She’s the author of four non-fiction books, including her international bestseller, How to Stop Losing Your Sht With Your Kids (Workman, 2019), as well as You Are Not a Shtty Parent, and the forthcoming How to Stop Freaking Out, the (completely swear-free) middle-grade adaptation of How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids.
Carla’s writing has appeared in a variety of online and print publications, including The New York Times, The Washington Post &. The Huffington Post—and has PhD in clinical social work from Simmons College in Boston. Carla currently lives outside of Boston with her husband and two daughters.
Important Messages:
I don’t believe there’s such thing as a bad parent. And the do I believe there are parents who aren’t parenting the way they want to? Of course. Do I believe that there are parents who are parenting in ways that aren’t great for their kids? Yeah. We want to help parents. I think about parents who don’t have the information, support and resources to parent the way they want to.
* Deficits: External deficits- like money, health insurance, access to good healthcare, access to therapists, or high quality education, could cause issues. Internal- physical health and strength, our mental health and strength are emotional stability. For parents, we all lack information, resources and support at times. But for some parents, the deficit is really significant and those are the parents struggling the most.
* And- just because we have the information doesn’t mean that we are like somehow immune to having these issues.
* When you apologize to your child- the are learning in the most real and relevant way possible that in a healthy relationship, sometimes people fall apart, sometimes people lose their tempers. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean or do things they don’t mean, and then you can apologize. Have to connect and move on. And I would much rather have my kids have that view of a healthy, resilient relationship then assuming that a good relationship is one where everybody behaves perfectly all the time.
* When we’re showing others that we can be human and then reflect that humanness towards our children and then have them be human back to us, gracious back to us, that is such a good lesson in real relationships and real emotions.
* Arrows: It’s an old story from the Buddhist tradition. Buddha talked about the first arrows of life, and this is the stuff that just happens to us, right? Somebody rear ends you, your kid gets a diagnosis of adhd, your refrigerator breaks, you get an unexpected bill you can’t afford, there’s a massive storm and a tree comes down on your house or I don’t know, a global freaking pandemic, right? Those are the first arrows of life. They are unavoidable, they’re painful, they’re unavoidable. There’s, we can’t, maybe sometimes we can soften the blow a little bit. Like, I don’t know if you have a generator hooked up to your house, maybe the storm isn’t so bad, but you can’t avoid the first arrows their life. But so often for those of us, after this first arrow comes, there’s another arrow that comes right after it, the second arrow. And this is the arrow of like shame and suffering and blame. And this is the arrow of our voice saying, oh, if I had only done X, this wouldn’t have happened. Mm-hmm. , if I had talked to the right specialist, if I had like been better prepared, if I had had my together more, these things wouldn’t have happened or they wouldn’t have happened so badly.
* When things go wrong: So what is self-compassion? Self-compassion is noticing when you are suffering and then choosing to shift the way you perceive the moment or engage with the moment in response to your own suffering. So look in this swirl of chaos, right? You’ve got like this Tasmanian devil energy happening in your house. You can choose to continue to run around like a crazy little chicken parent with your head cut off and yelling at this kid and picking up your phone and reading the text and half answering it and stirring the pasta, which is already like too soft and gross. Or you can stop for a second, just like put a pin in it. And yes, the chaos may be still swirling, but you can take a moment in the eye of that storm and take a deep breath and say to yourself, whoa, this is a, this is a really hard moment. This really shows compassion and is so different than calling yourself a shtty parent.
* Saying this is a rough moment makes it less personal- makes it less permanent.
* Ask questions. Get curious. Get curious about how you are feeling. Get curious about what’s going on.
* When you feel like you are failing—ordering pizza to make things easier—might be such a treat for the kids.
* Connection is the antidote to isolation. And in really rough moments we parents tend to resort to, “I’m the only one who,” I’m the only one who fed my kids boxed mac and cheese for the first four years of their lives. I’m the only one who ordered a pizza. I’m the only one who yells at my kids whatever that is. You are not the only one.
* Connecting to common humanity, which comes out of the work of Dr. Kristin Neff.
* Past thinking and that future thinking is like super unhelpful. Cause we can’t change the past and we don’t actually know what’s going to happen in the future.
* If you have one friend, loved one, therapist, who shows u p for you—that’s good. Most people don’t have a “compassion team.”
* Other voices to drown out the “you suck” voice.
* I don’t think every moment has to be a learning reconnecting moment. But when those big moments happen (1) the first thing that I do is, is take a little time to get calm. (2) Distinction between behavior and feelings. No emotion is wrong. Apologize for the behavior. (3) Make a plan for the evening. You may be able to show up now. Or you may have to call it quits for the evening in terms of that puzzle or that homework assignment. We don’t always have the energy to continue. (4) Don’t say you’ll never do that again. (5) You can say ‘I’m having a bad day.’ Not “I’m a bad person.”
* You can apologize to your kid– then you can say things like, “I’m having a bad day” instead of, “I’m sorry I’m a bad mom, I’m sorry I’m a bad person.” I’m thinking about what’s the language I want my kids to use when they screw up. And I would love for them to say, ‘I had a bad moment.’ I’m having a bad day. Not, I’m a waste of a person.
* You can then address their behavior. Make a plan for how things to go differently for next time.
* Top Tip: It’s all about the self-talk. So many of us move through our day thinking that we are horrible parents. We’re screwing this up, we’re useless, and we’re the only ones who can’t get parenting. Right. And that’s like trying to do your job when you have, you know, a boss or a supervisor following you around all day, telling you how much you suck. It’s impossible.
* Shift your self talk into ways that are much kinder, more forgiving, more understanding. That’s more like having a boss walking around all day saying, ‘Hey buddy, this is a hard thing you’re doing and just because it’s hard, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. So hang in there.’ We still have rough moments, but they just feel so much easier to handle.
* Like a new language—sometimes resort back to your old ways.
Notable Quotables:
“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. There’s no parent that gets it right all the time.”
* “My wish for every parent is that we could move away from this intense judgment. That the minute we’re less than perfect, which for so many of us is all the time because that’s human nature. I would love us to get to a place of compassion in those hard moments that we all have.”
* “Instead of like continuing to jump around and be at the mercy of your own kind of crazy thoughts bouncing around out of control and at the mercy of kind of everything that’s happening, choose to just stop for a minute, take a breath and say, ‘this is a rough moment.’
* “Saying this is a rough moment is actually dramatically different from saying ‘I’m a shtty parent.’
* “I want parents to remember that those nights when we let them eat pizza in front of the tv, we may see as a failure and they may see as such a treat. Those pizza moments are sometimes a total win.”
* “Connection is the antidote to isolation. And in really rough moments we parents tend to resort to, ‘I’m the only one who,’ that is, ‘I’m the only one who fed my kids boxed mac and cheese for the first four years of their lives.’ ‘I’m the only one who ordered a pizza.’ ‘I’m the only one who yells at my kids.’ You are not the only one. Remember that you’re not alone and remind yourself that no matter how crazy it gets, no matter how chaotic, overwhelming or out of control, there are other parents who have been and are dealing with these issues.”
* “You can apologize to your kid– then say things like, ‘I’m having a bad day’ instead of, ‘I’m sorry I’m a bad mom,’ ‘I’m sorry I’m a bad person.’ I’m thinking about what’s the language I want my kids to use when they screw up. And I would love for them to say, ‘I had a bad moment.’ ‘I’m having a bad day.’ Not, ‘I’m a waste of a person.’
* So many of us move through our day thinking that we are horrible parents. ‘We’re screwing this up, we’re useless, and we’re the only ones who can’t get parenting.’ That’s like trying to do your job when you have a boss or a supervisor following you around all day, telling you how much you suck. It’s impossible.
* Shift your self talk into ways that are much kinder, more forgiving, more understanding. That’s more like having a boss walking around all day saying, ‘Hey buddy, this is a hard thing you’re doing and just because it’s hard, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. So hang in there.’ We still have rough moments, but they just feel so much easier to handle.
* Learning self-compassion is like learning to speak a new language. None of us grew up speaking the language of self-compassion because our parents didn’t grow up speaking it. It just wasn’t a thing in western culture for so long. And so now we’re learning to speak it. And when you start to speak a new language, you forget the words sometimes and you revert to your old language sometimes. And then you grab your study guide or you grab your notes that you’ve written for yourself or you go back to the really basic words. You may always speak self-compassion with an accent, right? It might always feel a little weird, but speaking with an accent is so much better than being fluent in the shtty language you were speaking before.”*
There's no such thing as a perfect parent, says @CarlaGeorge22 on the latest episode of #talktokids podcast. Listen in for real strategies for self-compassion as a parent!
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Resources:
CarlaNaumburg.com
* https://www.facebook.com/cnaumburg
* Book: You are Not a Shtty Parent
* https://twitter.com/CarlaGeorge22
* https://www.instagram.com/carlanaumburg/?hl=en
* https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7834017.Carla_Naumburg
Social Media for Dr. Robyn:
* facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman
* twitter.com/DrRobyn
* instagram.com/DrRobynSilverman
* facebook.com/HowToTalkToKidsaboutAnything
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Special guest: Dr. Julie Kinn.Military families face many unique challenges- from long family separations and shifted responsibilities in the household to frequent moving, injuries and sadly, sometimes, grief and loss. That means that being a child in a military family means a great deal of adjustment to frequent change as well as a host of undulating emotions that come from deployment, reunions, the unknowns and the new normal. How do we talk to military kids about the unique challenges that they face? And how do we answer the questions from kids who are not military families about how to support and understand their military friends who may not always be on sure footing. Dr. Julie Kinn is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience researching and implementing health technology. At the Department of Defense and the Defense Health Agency, Kinn oversees the development and implementation of health technology for the military and veteran communities. She also initiated the Military Health Podcast program and produces/hosts three Department of defense OD podcasts: "A Better Night's Sleep", "The Military Meditation Coach", and "Next Generation Behavioral Health". Dr. Kinn, through the Department Of Defense, is responsible for two mobile apps with Sesame Street-- Sesame Street's Big Moving Adventure and Breathe, Think, Do. Big Moving Adventure was made to help kids cope with moving in the general sense, but was made specifically to help the children of military families who have to move constantly. Dr. Kinn's overall mission is to promote behavioral health for veterans and their families which includes promoting behavioral health in their communities as well.
The post How to Talk to Military Kids about Common Stressors and Concerns with Dr. Julie Kinn Rerelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special guest: Kari Kampakis It’s not easy to be a teenage girl. Dealing with cliques, bullying, rejection, and social media fiascos can be overwhelming and disheartening. So yes, being a parent or a key adult in the lives of teen girls can also be a challenge- how do we best advise the teen girls for whom we only want the best when we don’t always know which way is up! Our teen girls are going through so many important changes—physical, emotional, social, cognitive—they are learning what they like, who they like, who they are and who they want to be. This is big stuff. So if you had the opportunity, what would you truly want the teen girls in your life to know? What would you want them to take in about popularity, friendship, relationships, reputation and belief in themselves? As it turns out, we do have the opportunity to talk to our girls about all of these important areas of development and experience—and if we haven’t yet embarked on these discussions, we can start now. Kari Kampakis is a blogger, author, speaker, and columnist from Birmingham. Her two books for teen and tween girls, 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know and Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For, have been used widely across the country by small groups to empower girls through faith. She is also in the process of writing another book on mothers and daughters. Kari’s work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The TODAY Show along with other national outlets. She and her husband, Harry, have four daughters and a dog named Lola. Learn more by visiting kampakis.com or finding Kari on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.
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Special Guest: Destini Ann Davis isn't a parenting expert, she’s a working mom and a certified parenting coach who has learned it all simply by doing and listening, and reading every book along the way. She advocates for peaceful parenting and positive discipline techniques that encourage both the parent and child to connect and communicate. Her positive energy and upbeat approach to parenting has resulted in her TikTok channel growing to over 900K followers in just a few short months- (last time I checked it was at a million and a half). Her approach to parenting isn’t clinical; it’s real life and focused on helping her followers become more peaceful and positive people so they can raise more peaceful and positive kids.
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Special Guest: Destini Ann Davis isn't a parenting expert, she’s a working mom and a certified parenting coach who has learned it all simply by doing and listening, and reading every book along the way. She advocates for peaceful parenting and positive discipline techniques that encourage both the parent and child to connect and communicate. Her positive energy and upbeat approach to parenting has resulted in her TikTok channel growing to over 900K followers in just a few short months- (last time I checked it was at a million and a half). Her approach to parenting isn’t clinical; it’s real life and focused on helping her followers become more peaceful and positive people so they can raise more peaceful and positive kids.
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Special Guest: Catherine Pearlman Catherine Pearlman is the founder of The Family Coach and the author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. Catherine writes the nationally syndicated Dear Family Coach column and her work has appeared in US News, Parent.com, CNN.com, Good Housekeeping and more. She’s a licensed clinical social worker, an assistant professor at Brandman University and a mom of two kids and a dog. She’s a New Yorker living in southern California.
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Most parents and educators who are listening to this podcast want to develop a culture in their homes or at school where kids are kind, accepted, allowed to ask questions and support one another whether so that everyone gets what they need to thrive. This necessitates some pretty uncomfortable conversations about bias, stereotypes, racism, ableism, gender and more. How can we help our children embrace antibias and antiracist practices that move beyond the antiquated views such as “I don’t see color” or “gender doesn’t matter” to a more advanced understanding of how these social constructs impact and define our peers and those we don’t know? How can we help our children realize what is equal and what is fair and how the difference effects ourselves and others? For all of this and more, we turn to Liz Kleinrock.
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Special guest: Phyllis Fagell, LCPC Middle school is a time of seismic shifts—everything is changing from friendships and relationships to hormones, expectations and not to mention the physical, intellectual, moral, social and emotional growth your child is experiencing in just a short amount of time. Fundamental questions are floating around the heads of adolescents such as “who am I?” “Am I normal?” and “do I fit in?” Middle schoolers are thrust into a changing environment where adult involvement is reduced and their own skills become vital as they figure out exactly what they are going to allow to be their social and personal currency. Skills such as making good friend choices, negotiating conflict, considering other people’s perspectives, cultivating their own passions and recognizing limitations and of course, making responsible, healthy, ethical choices. Yes, there is a lot to this middle school experience that bridges the gap between childhood and teenhood—and thankfully, we don’t need to go it alone.
Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC, is the author of “Middle School Matters,” the counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., a psychotherapist at The Chrysalis Group and a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other national publications. She is also a regular columnist for the Association for Middle Level Education and Kappan magazines, and she consults and speaks throughout the country. Phyllis graduated with honors from Dartmouth College, received a master’s degree in journalism from the Medill School at Northwestern University, and earned her master’s degree in counseling from Johns Hopkins University. She tweets @pfagell and blogs at www.phyllisfagell.com
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Special Guest: Joe Primo
Having a conversation about death and dying is not typically a conversation people are excited to have with their kids. And yet, we all know it’s necessary. A friend of mine came over to me at a party the other day. She had just found out that her mother-in-law had stage 4 cancer. While dealing with her own whirlwind of emotions, knowing that I provide tips and scripts to have these tough conversations with kids, she asked me; “What do I tell the kids? What if they ask me if she’ll die? What do I say when she does?” The concept of dying can be scary, sad, confusing, angering and upsetting for many of us. Our own emotions, our concern about our children’s emotions- how they are going to take the news- how they are going to cope with life when someone they love dies- how might they grieve—what’s normal- these can make us worry about having the conversations in the first place. Not to mention, our confusion over what to say and how to say it can make this topic on how to talk to kids about death and dying- a real tough one.
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Donna Nakazawa: is the author of four books that explore the intersection of neuroscience, immunology, and emotion, including The Angel and the Assassin, named one of the best books of 2020 by Wired magazine, and Childhood Disrupted, which was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book is GIRLS ON THE BRINK: Helping Our Daughters Thrive in an Era of Increased Anxiety, Depression, and Social Media. Her work has appeared in Wired, Stat, The Boston Globe, The Washington Post, Health Affairs, Parenting, AARP Magazine, and Glamour, and has been featured on the cover of Parade and in Time; she has appeared on Today, NPR, NBC News, and ABC News.
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Dr. Jen Pratt: Childhood illness can turn a family’s life upside down. We probably all have friends, neighbors, community members or maybe even family members who have coped with or are currently coping with childhood illness. While it wasn’t my child, many of you know that my dear friend’s son, Gavin, was diagnosed in 2018 with Ewing’s Sarcoma and I was there for the initial meetings, tests, surgeries and flew in for some of the hospital visits or just to help out with my friend’s other child who often has to be sidelined when a sibling is ill. It’s hard on everyone. Perhaps you remember the interview I did with Gavin’s sister who talked with us about being a sibling and unfortunately, because Gavin’s cancer was so aggressive and rare—he lost his battle with it, and Jadyn so beautifully discussed how to talk to kids and how to cope with the children who have lost a sibling. Those were hard talks, weren’t they? But we really do need to learn how to talk to kids about all of this. Perhaps you just want to know how to be a good friend or family member while someone else you know is going through this—I applaud you for being here because boy, do people need that. Perhaps you are here because you need to get some questions answered for yourself and your own child who is coping with a childhood illness from dealing with hospital stays, delays, medication, missing out, fear of the unknown and the intense feelings of most everyone around you who cares about you. For all of this, let’s turn to Dr. Jenn Pratt.
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Dr. Jen Pratt: Childhood illness can turn a family’s life upside down. We probably all have friends, neighbors, community members or maybe even family members who have coped with or are currently coping with childhood illness. While it wasn’t my child, many of you know that my dear friend’s son, Gavin, was diagnosed in 2018 with Ewing’s Sarcoma and I was there for the initial meetings, tests, surgeries and flew in for some of the hospital visits or just to help out with my friend’s other child who often has to be sidelined when a sibling is ill. It’s hard on everyone. Perhaps you remember the interview I did with Gavin’s sister who talked with us about being a sibling and unfortunately, because Gavin’s cancer was so aggressive and rare—he lost his battle with it, and Jadyn so beautifully discussed how to talk to kids and how to cope with the children who have lost a sibling. Those were hard talks, weren’t they? But we really do need to learn how to talk to kids about all of this. Perhaps you just want to know how to be a good friend or family member while someone else you know is going through this—I applaud you for being here because boy, do people need that. Perhaps you are here because you need to get some questions answered for yourself and your own child who is coping with a childhood illness from dealing with hospital stays, delays, medication, missing out, fear of the unknown and the intense feelings of most everyone around you who cares about you. For all of this, let’s turn to Dr. Jenn Pratt.
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Dr. Thema Bryant: Children deal with stress, disappointment and trauma often—in the form of discrimination, bullying, abuse, neglect and other stressors—how do we help them deal with the trauma instead of burying it, dwarfing it and hiding who they truly are so that they can simply survive? How can they acknowledge their trauma, express their toughest emotions and in a sense, “come home” to who they are, to their bodies, to their identities to themselves when something has been profoundly lost? For this understanding of trauma recovery, we turn to an amazing and insightful guest, Dr. Thema Bryant.
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Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native. She’s also super cool and actually has an article out about some things to consider if your child wants to be a youtube star in the Washington Post—and we’re going to dig right and flesh out the information so we know how to have this discussion about fame, social media and what to look out for if your child brings the idea of putting videos up on social media to your attention—best to be prepared, right?
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Catherine Newman: Middle School is a time of incredible growth—kids change a great deal while learning and practicing vital social skills that they will use throughout their lives—how to get along with others, talk about tough topics, compromise, still to your values, be an ally, show up as a good friend and so much more. How do we help open up these topics to kids so that they know what to say when they find themselves in sticky situations? For that, we turn to Catherine Newman.
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Special Guest: Dr. Gail Saltz
Every parent wants his or her child to be happy and successful. As parents, we learn from many books, experts, our own parents that there is a formula for this—they get enough sleep, we feed them right, we send them to school, give them love and boundaries, make sure they do their homework, we put them in the right sports, get them involved with enrichment activities—the brain and body develops and our child will be successful. Of course, in practice, this is often not such a clear-cut picture.
No child is the same as another. No brain is the same as another. And sometimes, when children don’t seem to be following the preconceived pattern that we expected, that we learned about, maybe that we hoped for, we might wonder how our child, who is different from the norm could become happy and successful. It turns out, as some have already discovered, that there is a power in being different and as parents, we can help cultivate, inspire and build upon that difference and that’s where the magic can happen. What magic you might wonder? What is the power of different? That’s why we are privileged to have our amazing guest, Dr. Gail Saltz, for today’s podcast episode.
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Jeffrey Marsh: This podcast will focus on the collision between self-esteem and gender identity- especially for children who don’t have the support they need to truly embrace who they are. For kids who identity as LGBTQ, they don’t need a “perfect” parent who knows exactly what to say, but rather, one who will ask the questions, stay curious, and above-all-else, be a supportive advocate for their child. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews nonbinary author, activist and social media star, Jeffrey Marsh.
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Special guest: Alyssa Blask CampbellThis podcast will focus on how to help little kids navigate big emotions in specific common situations. Alyssa Blask Campbell of Seed and Sew will help us understand what to do and say to help our kids (and ourselves) through those frustrating situations so we don’t get derailed and get to the other side!
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Meghan Leahy - Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the stress and perfectionism of our overparenting culture–and at the same time, yearned for solutions to ease the struggles of everyday family life? Perhaps you have been caught at the grocery store with a tantruming 2-year-old, made organic salmon for your 4-year-old only to have it thrown across the room or attempted to reason with your 5-year-old about why you should stay at the party so you could have some “adult-time” after they were more than an hour past done, done? We hear about the endless “shoulds” of modern parenting– and yet real life just needs real solutions. Today, we are going to discuss how we can parent outside of the lines with guest, Meghan Leahy.
Meghan Leahy is the On Parenting columnist for The Washington Post, and a certified parenting coach. She is the author of PARENTING OUTSIDE THE LINES and is the mother of three daughters. She practices Zen Buddhism, holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education and a master’s degree in school counseling. She has appeared on NPR, ABC and in numerous other publications. Leahy lives with her family outside Washington DC.
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Special guest: Melinda Wenner Moyer This podcast will focus on how to raise kids who don’t act like jerks—who aren’t racist, sexist, rude bullies and instead show up in this world as empathetic, kind good people. Melinda Wenner Moyer, who writes for Scientific American and The New York Times, offers her insights from assessing thousands of research studies on kids on this latest episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
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Special guest: Ibram X. Kendi Many of us, in the past, have been taught that we should not see color—not to mention color-- when looking at the people around us, in our community, in our schools or in the various towns, cities, states and countries. But is parenting in this “colorblind” way really the method of irradicating racism? There are great tragedies involving black and brown people- discrimination that they must contend with everyday—so pretending that color doesn’t matter isn’t helping—because it does matter- how people look at race and treat people across races must be discussed in order to erase racism. Through empathy, critical thinking, asking key questions and allowing for uncomfortable conversations to happen, we not only teach kids how to NOT be racist- but how to be antiracist—actively pursuing a community and a world where racist structures are challenged, mistakes are admitted and new paths are forged so that true equality can be achieved. How do we raise an antiracist? How do we engage in these critical conversations? For that, we turn to my next guest, Dr. Ibram X. Kendi.
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Kristin Russo - When a child or teen comes out to their parents as gay, parents are often left with many unanswered questions fueled by fear, lack of knowledge or concerns about the wellbeing of their child. The conversations that need to take place are not as much about you answering questions for your child but about your child answering questions for you. Your child has likely been navigating the coming-out process for quite some time, now, you will be faced with decisions about how you will react to the information. How will you share this information with others? How can you best support your child? What if you fear for their safety? What’s the deal with pronouns? You might also grapple with how your child’s sexuality fits in with your faith, your previous hopes and dreams for them and your relationship. Well, it doesn’t make sense to stick our heads in the sand. It’s time to learn the answers for everyday questions and concerns when you are a parent, aunt/uncle, teacher, grandparents of loved one of a kid who is gay. For guidance on this topic we have Kristin Russo on the show today.
Kristin Russo is a writer, speaker, educator and consultant with a focus on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ) issues. She is also co-host & producer of Buffering the Vampire Slayer alongside musician Jenny Owen Youngs, which was named one of the top 30 podcasts of the decade by Paste Magazine. She has a great book with co-author Dan Owens called This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. You can find her at kristinnoeline.com
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Special Guest: Dr. Ken Ginsburg
This podcast helps parents and educators discover how to build resilience in teens. As young people are working to gain more independence, they make more mistakes and must learn how to recover. Sometime they need to learn how to get back up after a big fall while other times they must learn how to move forward after small, everyday blunders. How can we help kids learn how to believe in themselves, their own skills, their own sense of control and adaptability while also knowing we are here when they really need us? We talk about the 7 Cs of resilience with Dr. Ken Ginsberg and receive some beautiful tips and scripts that help us know the dos and don’ts while raising teens who thrive no matter what twists and turns they encounter.
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Special guest: Cathy Cassani Adams. This podcast will focus on how we can stay curious about ourselves and ensure that we are growing and learning so that we can encourage our children to do the same. There are many areas of life that are being questioned and evolving right now- from questions about race, gender, sex and identity. How can we engage in conversations with our kids about these topics that engages curiosity instead of fear? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Cathy Cassani Adams for answers and insight.
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Special Guest: Dr. Charles Fay
As parents, we have heard that the days are long and the years are short. The days can be filled with mistakes, sibling rivalry, tantrums, boundary testing, bedtime battles and tough discussions—and even as they are interspersed with fun, excitement, pride, connection and love, as parents, it’s normal to feel frustrated at times and want tools to help make the days go a bit more smoothly. The truth is, we DO only have a relatively short time to help raise our children to become responsible, capable and confident before they head out the door as adults. To put it in perspective, Dr. Laura Markham told us on one of the three episodes of How to Talk to Kids about Anything that she did with us that we only have 900 weeks with our kids before they turn 18 so be fully present when you are with them--- and Vicki Hoefle reminds us with a similar sentiment, “parent the child who will be 24 in a hot second. Parenting is not about what happens for you between the ages of 0 and 18, Parenting is what happens for our children between the ages of 18 and 80.” Let that sink in for a bit there. So, how do we parent our children, knowing that we don’t have a lot of time to, in fact, parent them, but the time we spend is so important. Our next guest will tell us that it’s about parenting with love and logic and getting children to behave from the inside out.
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Special guest: Abbie Goldberg, Ph.D. This podcast will focus on the range of different types of families there are—especially families that were built through adoption and families that are headed up by two-dads or two-moms or a range of others who love them (grandparents, single parents). What makes a family? It’s about process not structure—it’s who loves and takes care of you, not their gender or biology! Thank you to Professor Abbie Goldberg, recognized scholar, speaker and author, for all her amazing eye-opening information.
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School shootings, traumatic weather events, local fires and acts of terror-- When the world is struck with a catastrophic event, it is natural to want to shield our children from the effects of it. We want to keep their innocence in tact- allowing them to grow up carefree and unfettered—feeling safe and calm wherever they go. We might wonder, if we just don’t talk about it- could our children remain in their happy little bubble for the time being?
The problem is—we live in a world where children receive messages about traumatic events from many different avenues- it’s not just the news that we can easily turn off—or even the 24/7 access to the internet that provides a play by play as negative stories develop. It’s also that different families have different rules about such access- with multiple kids of various ages in their homes who are permitted to have more access- so that might mean you send your blithely innocent child to school, ignorant of the scary events that might have occurred, only to have them bombarded with the news from a more informed (perhaps not accurately so) child on the bus—or from a group of kids in class.
Knowing that something has happened but not having anyone to explain it in age-appropriate terms and how it relates to our specific children can be frightening to anyone. We all need context, assurance and our own concerns addressed by someone we trust—our kids actually need information to feel safe and-- as a parent or educator who knows the child, you are the perfect person to have this conversation with them. I’ve talked about this on national TV shows and in written press but I thought it was important to talk about it on my podcast—especially through the lens of anxiety as many kids have trouble dealing with such large-scale events.
My next guest tells us that since you know your child best, “it’s important to manage the conversation (Or, shall we say, tailor it) based on who they are, what they already know, and what it means for them.”
Karen Young has been on our podcast before- talking about anxiety. In fact, her podcast episode is in the top 5 most downloaded episodes of How to Talk to Kids about Anything, of all time. She is back today to discuss with me how we can talk to kids about traumatic world events. Karen has worked as a psychologist in private practice and in educational settings. She founded the popular website, Hey Sigmund, which attracts millions of readers each year. Karen is a sought-after speaker, both at home in Australia and internationally. She is the author of ‘Hey Warrior’, a book for kids to help them understand anxiety and find their ‘brave’. The book has now been translated into a number of languages.
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Special guest: Rebecca Rolland, Ed.D
Science has shown that the best way to help our children become independent, confident, kind, empathetic and happy is by talking with them! Thank goodness this is true since we’ve been discussing talking with kids about all kinds of topics since 2017 on this podcast. However, so often, parents , educators and caregivers are at a loss and have trouble communicating with children. Conversations can feel trivial, forced or strained- or worse, can drum up and become marked by constant conflict and butting heads. So how can we get in the habit of having meaningful conversations with kids of all ages? How do we spark curiosity, foster empathy and encourage kids to embrace challenges through talking with kids? And given the need for much more understanding around issues of gender, race, sexuality and different family structures, how do we engage in discussions that can celebrate differences while also understanding and being empathic to how those differences might be treated in this world. For all of this, we have the pleasure of interacting with Rebecca Rolland today.
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Special guest: Cindy Goldrich.
Cindy Goldrich is a mental health counselor, certified ADHD Clinical Service Provider, and teacher trainer. As an ADHD Specialist, She supports parents, educators and other professionals to address the impact of ADHD & Executive Functioning on learning, motivation, and behavior.
She is a recognized Keynote speaker and provides Professional Development for school districts and other professional organizations worldwide addressing how ADHD and executive function challenges affect children and how to help boost behavior and performance in school and at home.
Cindy is the author of 8 Keys for Parenting Children with ADHD, a book recognized for providing parents, educators, and therapists with a practical, easy-to-read guide for addressing challenging kids and ADHD, Executive Function, and Behavior in the Classroom (expected printing Aug. 2019). Cindy is the creator of the workshop series “Calm and Connected: Parenting Children with ADHD©” designed to teach parents and caregivers how to manage and support their children's unique needs successfully.
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In the wake of the very public emergence of the #MeToo, #TimesUp and #girlstoo movements, the latter that we discussed with our Girls Inc Team, Lara Kaufmann and Dr. Christina Spears, a few weeks back-- women and girls have encouraged to find their voice, claim their power, come out of the shadows and not back down. But with a history of messages that tell women and girls that they need to be perfect, they shouldn’t break the rules, they should be quiet and look pretty, take a backseat and downplay their own success to avoid making others feel uncomfortable or be seen as “full of herself,” it’s a challenge for many to reinvent what it means to be a woman in 2019. It takes mental strength. We must build mental muscle and get out of our own way if we are going to change along with these important empowerment movements. How does mental strength in women make a difference? What areas, specifically, should we work on? And how does embracing and practicing mental strength as women translate to encouraging mental strength in the girls we love, teach and guide? For these questions and more, we will be interviewing the fabulous Amy Morin, for the 3rd time in the history of the show.
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Peter Shankman is a spectacular example of what happens when you find the best traits of ADHD and work really hard to make them benefit you. Diagnosed at seven years old with “sit down, you’re disrupting the class” disease, Peter wasn’t formally diagnosed with ADHD until his mid-30s. By that time, however, he’d started and sold two companies, and realized that all the differences that formerly labeled him as a troublemaker were actually his greatest assets. After Peter sold his third company, (Help a Reporter Out,) he decided to focus on really understanding this “faster brain” of his, and learning exactly what it could do. From that, the Faster Than Normal podcast and bestselling book were born.
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Special guest: Diana Graber.
Are you concerned with how much screen time your kids are using? What kind of digital reputation they are creating or how their self-esteem in being impacted by certain apps, cyberbullying, sexting or exposure to possible predators? How about clickbait, deep fakes, fake news or the like? There’s a lot of information out there and it’s here to stay. We can’t stick our heads in the sand and simply say, “I wish all of this technology didn’t exist” or “I remember when I was young and didn’t have to contend with that- can’t we just go back?” This is when and where our children live. The cyber world is just “their world.” We need to know how to navigate it and help our children navigate it with confidence, responsibility and knowledge. They need to learn how to become tech savvy and cyberwise. For this discussion, we are going to talk to our friend, Diana Graber, for a second time. There’s been a lot since last we talked!
Diana is the author of "Raising Humans in a Digital World: Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship with Technology"(HarperCollins Leadership '19), co-founder of CyberWise (aka, No Grownup Left Behind!) and founder of Cyber Civics, the popular middle school digital literacy curriculum. Today Cyber Civics is taught in schools in 48 US states and internationally, and it was honored as an "Innovation in Education" finalist by Project Tomorrow and the O.C. Tech Alliance. Graber is a regular contributor on digital media topics for Psychology Today and others, and is regularly interviewed by the media regarding tech topics. She's been an Adjunct Professor of Media Psychology teaching "Media Psychology for the 21st Century" and she presents regularly (virtually since COVID) to schools and community organizations across the US and she also conducts teacher workshops.
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Special guest: Jessica Alexander. Denmark has been voted as having the happiest people in the world by the OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development) almost every year since 1973. That’s more than 40 years of happiness! It begs the question—is it the parenting? I mean, is there a Danish Way of parenting? It turns out, there is, and while the Danish Way of parenting is not the only reason Danes are the happiest, it does play a very important role—and the success of it all seems to be tied to the ways they educate children far beyond academics—focusing on play, empathy and social skills. It’s important to delve into it, I hope you would agree, since happy kids tend to grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids—and the seasons go ‘round and round again. And while in the United States and in other areas of the world, we are seeing an increase of anti-depressants, suicides among young people and mental health diagnoses, as well as a great deal of competition between parents and we have a lot to learn from the Danes. Best-selling Author, Journalist, Danish Parenting Expert & Cultural Researcher, Jessica Alexander’s book "The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know about Raising Confident Capable Kids" has been published in over 25 countries. Her work has been featured in TIME, The Wall Street Journal, Salon, Huffington Post, NPR, NY Times, and many more. She regularly does talks and workshops for parents, schools and organizations like Google, The Women's Network of the United Nations, The World Parenting Forum and many more. She has also worked as a spokesperson for LEGO on the Power of play.
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Special guest: Lisa Heffernan. This podcast will focus on raising independent teens so that they can become young adults who can take care of themselves and make good, wise choices on their own. What skills do they need? What must they learn? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Lisa Heffernan from Grown and Flown on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
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Special guest: Charlotte Markey, PhD. This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about body image, puberty and self care. Myths about weight, size, puberty and bodies are highlighted and little conversations about these somewhat “uncomfortable” topics are explored. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Charlotte Markey, Ph.D, who wrote both The Body Image Book for Girls and The Body Image Book for Boys!
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Special guests:Julie Bogart. This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about how to raise critical thinkers who ask “who says?” when taking in new information, doing their own research and asking questions from different perspectives. We discuss how to spark curiosity and challenge the norms so that our kids don’t just take in what they see and hear as fact—but rather, as opinions or facts filtered through a specific lens. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Julie Bogart, author of the new book, Raising Critical Thinkers, and founder of the writing program, Brave Writer.
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Special guest: Alfie Kohn.
Many parenting books offer countless tips for dealing with kids when they misbehave in the eyes of their parents—refusing to go to bed, rejecting the vegetables they’ve been told to eat, talking back, yelling in the restaurant, badgering their sibling or resisting doing the tasks it takes to get to school on time. But the way parents cope with these challenging behaviors might be backfiring even if they work in the short term. My next guest asks many thought-provoking questions in his book, Unconditional Parenting- but two seem to be at the forefront. First; “What are your long-term objectives for your children?” and second, given those long term goals, which are likely for your child to be some version of a kind, independent, confident, competent, happy and fulfilled person—are the ways in which you are parenting lending themselves to creating that type of person IN the long run—or not? It’s time to take a hard look at some of the parenting practices that have become so common that they are accepted as the acceptable norm- time outs, positive re-enforcement, consequences, withdrawal of attention, punishment—and start taking a hard look at UNCONDITIONAL parenting- a parenting philosophy and practice in which parental love and attention is not in a push-pull relationship with how our children behave. On top of that, UNCONDITIONAL parenting puts to rest the notion that children are trying to make trouble—and instead, assumesthe best of the child and looks at the child as a whole person not a compilation of good and bad behaviors.Alfie Kohn is the author of 14 books on education, parenting, and human behavior, including PUNISHED BY REWARDS (1993), THE SCHOOLS OUR CHILDREN DESERVE (1999), UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING (2005), THE HOMEWORK MYTH (2006), and THE MYTH OF THE SPOILED CHILD (2014). He has appeared twice on “Oprah,” as well as on “The Today Show” and many other TV and radio programs. His articles include: “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’”, “How Not to Teach Values,” and “Atrocious Advice from ‘Supernanny.’ ” Kohn works with educators and parents across the country and speaks regularly at national conferences. He lives (actually) in the Boston area and (virtually) at www.alfiekohn.org.
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Special guests: Irshad Manji. This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about how to open up conversation about labels and diversity in a way that empowers us to hear different perspectives rather than limit people and fan the flames of culture wars. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews author and educator, Irshad Manji.
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Special guest: Dr. Jane Nelsen.
Children are always learning- and yes, they also make a lot of mistakes. Whether they are fighting with their siblings, tantruming about bedtime, missing the bus, forgetting their homework or talking back to you, it seems like there is a constant need for correction, apologies and do-overs. At the same time, there are all kinds of parents and teachers out there who witness such mistakes—from people who watch children act out or mess up and punish them or deliver punitive consequences immediately—to those who are incredibly permissive—who see children do something undesired and simply turn the other cheek and say; “kids will be kids.” Many parents and educators fall somewhere in between or vacillate between the two extremes of punitive and permissive.
Of course, most parents and teachers are just trying to figure out how to raise children who are kind, responsible, cooperative and self-disciplined. But what if I told you that there are many parenting and teaching skills that we can talk about right now that are non-punitive and not permissive—but would help children learn self-discipline, responsibility, and problem-solving skills—helping them to grow up into adults who can use these skills throughout their lives? Whether you are trying to get the kids to school on time, get everyone to agree on a movie for movie night or get from place to place without someone yelling or kicking or needling someone else in the car, we all deal with power struggles and frustration. Today, we’ve got positive discipline expert, Jane Nelsen on the show—and she’s going to help us learn how to be both kind and firm, connect with our children, give them a sense of belonging and significance—while helping them choose right from wrong.
Dr. Jane Nelsen is the mother of 7, grandmother of 22, and great grandmother of 13. She is also the author and co-author of many best-selling Positive Discipline books including Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation and Problem-Solving Skills and Positive Discipline Parenting Tools. An internationally known speaker and parenting expert, Jane is a California licensed marriage, family and child therapist, and received her doctorate in Educational Psychology from the University of San Francisco.
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Special guests: Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite. This podcast will focus on how to talk to girls about body image, body acceptance and body resilience. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Drs. Lindsay Kite and Lexie Kite, sisters and co-directors of Beauty Redefined about this important topic, helping girls learn that their bodies are instruments, not ornaments.
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Special Guest: Dr. Susan Bartell Dr. Susan Bartell is a nationally recognized parenting psychologist and author, supporting parents in raising happy and healthy kids in a stressful world. She has written the book, The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask and you can find her on national TV and radio- and She writes for US News & World Report (along with me and several other fabulous experts I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing) on a wide range of topics such as the importance of raising grateful children and how to keep teens from turning smartphones into weapons. Dr. Bartell is here today to talk with us on monitoring your child’s screen time and digital footprint.
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Special guests: Chad Willardson. This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about the financial skills they need to manage money throughout their lifetime. From saving, spending wisely, giving and investing, this podcast gives you the talking points! Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews financial advisor and best-selling author of Stress-Free Money and Smart, Not Spoiled, Chad Willardson.
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Special guest: Simone Davies,Let’s face it. When people hear the word; “toddler” it often conjures up thoughts of “the terrible twos,” torrential tantrums and tirades that feature the word “NO!” in big capital letters. There are frustrations about toddlers not listening, not eating fruits and vegetables, not sleeping, not listening, not allowing parents to go to go out on a date or go to the bathroom without their company. But what if I told you that by looking at life through a toddler’s eyes and using the methods developed by Dr. Montessori, you can learn the peaceful way of raising a toddler to become a curious, responsible, kind individual? That is exactly what we are going to do today with our next guest.
Simone Davies is the author of “The Montessori Toddler”, runs parent-child Montessori classes in Amsterdam at her school Jacaranda Tree Montessori, and is mother of two young adults. She also has a popular blog, “The Montessori Notebook”. Finding Montessori helped her so much when raising her own children and it’s now her passion to help other parents introduce these ideas in their homes too. She was looking to find a way to be with her kids that wasn’t about bossing them about, threatening them and bribing them. Or giving them free reign either. And she wanted them to have a positive experience of school, not just to pass tests, but to love learning.
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Special guests: Joanna Faber & Julie King. This podcast will focus on specific issues like divorce, apologies, responsibility, sibling rivalry and friendships and exactly what to say and do when kids won’t listen. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews best-selling authors, Joanna Faber and Julie King, the authors of the new book, How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen. This is the second podcast episode that Dr. Silverman has done with Faber and King.
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Parents have struggled with how to manage their time for generations. There is so much to do— so much to balance! In the age of extracurriculars— from travel baseball, soccer, gymnastics, piano, to tutoring classes, art and enrichment, the question of how to fit everything in, complete the car pool, get dinner on the table, help with homework, get to the store, get some work done, give your kids undivided attention—and still take care of yourself—seems nearly impossible. How do we do this? DO we do all of this? To hold our hands and help us all shift from having it all to getting it right in the moment— is best-selling author, Julie Morgenstern.
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Special Guest: Karen I. Wilson, PhD
Approximately 5% of school aged children have a learning disability and 13% of all public school students receive special education services. Another 15% are struggling due to an unidentified learning or attention issue. Struggles can look different in different children at different times of their childhood. Their struggles may be an issue with listening, concentrating, motivation, focus or other under-developed executive functioning skills. Children with learning disabilities not only cope with the disability itself but often misunderstanding of the disability. People may think that their lack of concentration is due to laziness, for example. They may believe that their impulsivity is linked to rudeness or feelings that their needs and wants are more important than other people’s needs and wants. So it’s not surprising that sometimes, with misunderstanding comes mislabeling. “That child is rude.” “So and so is a lazy child.” Mislabeling can linked to behavioral problems and can cause a lot of anxiety in children as they struggle to either prove someone wrong—or, prove others right as a self-fulfilling prophesy. Children with learning disabilities also must cope with teachers, administrators and parents jumping to an intervention that may not address the actual problem. How do we talk to kids and help kids who are struggling with learning disabilities so that they can reach tier potential and achieve their goals? For this, we turn to our guest, Dr. Karen Wilson.
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We have all seen the spikes in anxiety and stress in our young people these days. There is an unbelievable amount of pressure to succeed, to look perfect, to be liked and to do it all. There are pressures at home, in school, within relationships and it feels heavy and constant. Now, though anxiety has risen among young people overall, studies confirm that it has skyrocketed in girls. What in the world is going on here? And what can we do about it? For the answers to these questions, we are turning to best-selling author, Dr. Lisa Damour.
Lisa Damour writes the monthly adolescence column for the New York Times, serves as a regular contributor to CBS News, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, and is a Senior Advisor to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University. Dr. Damour is the author of numerous academic papers, chapters, and books related to parenting and child development including her 2016 New York Times best seller, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and now, Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, comes out TODAY- lucky us- so welcome Dr. Lisa Damour
to how to talk to kids about anything!
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Special Guest: Katie Hurley
Katie Hurley, LCSW, has been on our show before in a popular episode on stress and children- and she is back to talk about young girls and relational aggression in the elementary school years. Katie is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of “Girls Can!” empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is the author of The Happy Kid Handbook and the forthcoming No More Mean Girls, and her work can be found in The Washington Post, PBS Parents, and US News and World Report, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women’s studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between California and Connecticut with her husband and two children.
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Special Guest: Devorah Heitner
Today is a Talk to Kids Shortie—which we are having because it has been revealed that Instagram is worse for kids than we thought. And I know this really worries my listeners. Specifically- New documents reveal that Facebook knows just how harmful its Instagram app is for many tween and teen girls. The Wall street journal shared findings of what Instagram’s internal researchers called a “teen mental health deep dive,” including a study that found Instagram makes body image issues worse for 1 in 3 teen girls.
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Special guest: Michael Reichert, PhD. We’ve talked quite a bit about girls on this show—and how many things are changing for girls due to the momentum of the women’s movement. But what about the boys? How do you raise boys to become great men? How do we raise boys to feel connected to himself and feel connected to others? For many of our sons, while the world of girls seems to be expanding, the world of boys seems often to be contracting—restricting who boys can be in society’s where masculinity and all its attributes, fits in one tightly guarded box—the man box. Our next guest feels that this is a loss- it’s a loss for us and it’s a loss for the boys. He asks; what can be done to ameliorate the loses of boyhood? How can we protect the boys in our care from threats built into boyhood? How can we ensure that our sons are well prepared for and well launched to manhood? The answer has to do with connection—something that our boys are losing—and at an early age. And our guest feels that we have an opportunity, right now, to change things around and help boys do boyhood right.
Michael Reichert writes, in his new book, “How to Raise a Boy” that boys are really in need of something that seems to counter the toughness and the independence touted by the man box—and that is “a relationship in which a boy can tell that he matters … A young man’s self confidence is not accidental or serendipitous but derives from experiences of being accurately understood, loved, and supported.”
Michael Reichert is an applied and research psychologist who has immersed himself in clinical, research, and consultation experiences that have afforded a deep understanding of the conditions that allow a child to flourish in natural contexts: families, schools and communities. He has created and run programs in both inner city communities and in some of the most affluent suburban communities in the world. He founded and continues to lead The Center for the Study of Boys’ and Girls’ Lives a research collaborative at the University of Pennsylvania and has conducted a series of global studies on effective practices in boys’ education. Since 1984, Dr. Reichert has maintained a clinical practice outside Philadelphia, PA., specializing in work with boys, men and their families and continues to serve as the supervising psychologist at a nearby boys’ school. He has published numerous articles and several books, including Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Lessons About What Works—and Why, I Can Learn From You: Boys as Relational Learners, and the just-released How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men.
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Special Guest: Lydia Denworth
This podcast episode focuses on friendship and how important it is—not just to our psychological wellbeing but to our physical health as well. Friendship, as it turns out, affects us down to our cellular level. How can we talk to kids about these important benefits and how loneliness and lack of friends can impact us as well? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Lydia Denworth, the author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
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Dr. Gail Dines is a Professor Emerita of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston. She is the author of numerous books and articles, and her latest book, Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality, has been translated into five languages. Dr Dines is the founding president of the Non-profit, Culture Reframed. Dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of a hypersexualized and pornified society, Culture Reframed develops cutting-edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and sexuality. Dr. Dines is an internationally known speaker and consultant to governmental bodies here and abroad.
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Special Guest: Eli Lebowitz, PhD
It's healthy and normal to become aware of possible threats and dangers around us so that we can be safe and make safe choices- however, in children with anxiety, they get stuck in continually imagining that something bad or dangerous will happen, and it feels just as if the bad thing were happening in real life. They are experiencing the feelings or anxiety as if they are indeed going to happen. They focus on what they truly believe are the negative outcomes that have a large likelihood of occurring and place high value on those negative outcomes—while at the same time, placing very low value and likelihood on positive outcomes that might occur from taking the risk and doing the thing that scares them.
Parenting an anxious child means facing constant challenges and questions: When should parents step in and help their children deal with those fears—or take away the likelihood of those fears by avoiding the thing that scares their child? How can parents foster independence while still supporting their children and acknowledging the anxiety? How can parents reduce the hold their child's anxiety has on their entire family—and cope with the role they may be inadvertently playing in kowtowing to the anxiety while trying to help their child cope with it? And how do we talk to our children about anxiety- and how we can support them in living with it in a positive way?
For this conversation, I will be talking together with Professor Eli Lebowitz.
Bio
Professor Lebowitz studies and treats childhood and adolescent anxiety and is Director of the Program for Anxiety Disorders at the Yale University’s Child Study Center. His research focuses on the development, neurobiology, and treatment of anxiety and related disorders, with special emphasis on cross-generational and familial influences on these disorders. Dr. Lebowitz is the lead investigator on multiple funded research projects, and is the author of numerous research papers, books and chapters on childhood and adolescent anxiety. He is the father of three great boys. Dr. Lebowitz has a new book out called Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD.
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Special guest: Diana Graber. Snapchat, Instagram, Fortnite, cyberbullying, sexting, and technology addiction are some of the digital concerns that keep today’s parents up at night. Some of the statistics being quoted are scary: Common Sense Media reported that 50 percent of teens feel “addicted” to their phones. The Pew Research Center reported just last year that 59 percent of U.S teens have been bullied or harassed online. Guard Child reported that 39 percent of teens have sent or posted sexually suggestive messages (sexting). Stanford University researchers tell us that a whopping 80 percent of students can’t differentiate between real and “fake” news. And the World Health Organization told us in 2017 that Technology is making children dangerously unhealthy. YIKES. These are not small-scale studies with questionable results. My next guest has been unpacking this research and working to understand how digital innovations have radically altered childhood and left us largely unprepared as parents for how to deal with the influx of technology and the fallout from these devices. She is also capturing the upside of these digital innovations that, yes, if used correctly, can enrich our children’s lives—and regardless, this IS the world we live in- we can not shut our eyes turn off all screens and say “that’s it!” without shutting out the digital world in which we must learn to survive and thrive. So what can we do?
Diana Graber, a digital literacy educator and advocate, was honored with the National Association for Media Literacy Education’s 2017 Media Literacy Teacher Award. She is the cofounder of Cyberwise, a leading online safety and digital literacy organization, and the founder and creator of Cyber Civics, the popular and innovative middle school digital citizenship and literacy program currently being taught in more than 40 US states, the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Africa. Graber lives with her family in Southern California. Diana is also the author of Raising Humans in a Digital World, published in January of this year.
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Special guests: Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson. This episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything focuses on effective communication tools that parents can use to best reach their children as they enter middle school and the teen years. How do we engage in respectful and effective dialogue, give constructive feedback, problem-solve and provide boundaries and still navigate the complex terrain of teenhood? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews William Stixrud and Ned Johnson in this lively and fascinating exchange.
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Special guest: Seth Perler. What is executive functioning and what does it have to do with our children’s success in school and life? My next guest explains that Executive Function is what it takes to get stuff done (such as homework, writing a paper or cleaning a room, etc.). In other words, it’s the ability to “execute” complex tasks and see that those tasks go all the way through to completion. Some kids have a knack for organizational tasks, scheduling and pacing themselves—while others struggle. If your child struggles with school-related tasks like homework, staying focused on a project until it’s completed, organizational skills, time management—or perhaps become avoidant, resistant, forgetful or overwhelmed when it comes to getting school-related tasks completed-- they probably struggle with Executive Function. So, what can we do? How can we help our kids who struggle in this area? And what do we want to avoid doing, so we don’t make things worse? My next guest has these answers and more.
Seth Perler helps students who struggle with school, homework, grades, resistance, overwhelm, motivation, underachievement, organization, focus, study skills and time management.
He helps complicated, misunderstood, outside-the-box, neurodiverse learners turn it around in a baffling system so they can launch a successful future. His blog, sethperler.com, gives game-changing answers in a sea of misguided educational fluff.
Traditional academic interventions don't often get to the root of a child's problems and they're often based on misinformation or outdated paradigms. Consequently, your child's patterns get worse each year, leading to pervasive difficulties transitioning into adulthood.
Parents often feel helpless, watching their child drown in school, as they spin their wheels trying to help. Parents are desperate for tools that are 1) practical, and 2) that account for a child's unique needs. It's all about Executive Function, which is Seth’s specialty.
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Special guest: Caroline Maguire
A child hangs back in gym class because he just knows he’ll be the last one picked. Another child monologues nonstop about dinosaurs on every playdate and still another talks nonstop throughout the movie even though everyone asks her to stop. They don’t get invited to birthday parties, are thought of too much or too little, & playdates often end poorly. Do you know any of these children? Every child struggles with something—and many have social challenges that, at their root, are issues with executive function and a need for social skills training. And while this may seem like just child’s play- those who know and love the children who struggle in the area of friendship know that it can be a very lonely place to be. The child often wants to have friends but isn’t picking up on social cues, the need to be flexible, and how to connect with same-age peers. They may ask, in one way or another, the heart-breaking question—Why Will No One Play With Me?
Caroline Maguire is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them. Caroline earned her ACCG (Advanced Level Certification) from the ADD Coach Academy and her PCC (Professional Certified Coach Certification) from the International Coach Federation (ICF). She also received a Master of Education from Lesley University. Her revolutionary coaching program and methodology helps teach executive function skills to children, teenagers, and young adults. She is a former coach for the Hallowell Center in Sudbury, MA. While with the Hallowell Center, Caroline was the main coach for children and teenagers. Caroline consults with schools and families internationally and has been co-leading social skills groups for over a decade. She is also the author of a NEW book called Why Will No One Play With Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends & Thrive
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Special Guest: Michelle Icard
This podcast episode focuses on talking to tweens about topics that range from sexuality and technology to the changing parent-child relationship. How do you approach tweens so that both people feel heard? Michelle Icard suggests the BRIEF method that stands for: Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you’re hearing and give Feedback.
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Special Guest: Dina Alexander We are surrounded by media messaging everyday. The TV we watch, the billboards we see, the radio we listen to and the social media we read and share just to name a few. A great deal of our media is good- fine- interesting and even helpful—but there is a lot of media mixed in there that is useless or even harmful. Our children really need to know the difference. This is one of my favorite topics- I present on this topic and personally, it lights my fire as media is so powerful and has the ability to shape and break people. So how do we talk to kids about media and how to deconstruct, understand and critique it? Our old friend, Dina Alexander, who was already on How to Talk to Kids about Anything to discuss the topic of talking about sex and making babies—she is back to help us talk to kids about media literacy.
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Special Guest: Jonathan B. Singer, PhD, LCSW
This podcast provides tips and scripts for talking to kids about suicide. What are the risk factors? What are the protective factors? And what should we say if a child seems that they are hopeless, helpless or have said that they are thinking about ending their life. This is an uncomfortable topic- but one that we should and need to discuss.
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Parenting these days can be very reactionary. We have lots of pressure and little time and often many feelings of not being enough, constantly striving, competing with others and overall disconnection. We have big reactions or, perhaps we might say, our big reactions have us. But what if we practiced more aware parenting? What if we become more in touch with our own senses, our mental state, our bodies and our relationship to ourselves and to others and how our awareness could affect our parenting and our lives? When we become aware and reflective of our reactions and what is indeed feeding these reactions, we can become more receptive, calm, balanced, compassionate and positive in the way we parent our kids and more balanced in our own wellbeing. And imagine what we can teach our kids—by showing awareness and practicing awareness, we can then teach them to the do the same in their own lives. Is there a way to cultivate this awareness? Is there a way to teach our kids to practice awareness as children and teenagers? For these questions and more, we turn to our guest today, Dr. Dan Siegel.
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Special Guest: Amy Morin, LCSW
Do your tweens worry that they don’t fit in sometimes? Feel insecure? Wish that their lives looked as person as everyone else’s on social media? Being a tween can be tough in today’s world- especially during the past year of ups, downs, changes and question marks. Your tween is balancing a lot on their shoulders- homework, extracurricular activities, chores, friendship drama, family and all that growth and development—all while trying to the impression that they have it all together and they know what they are doing! Sometimes while they attempt to look perfect on the outside, they feel rotten on the inside- and today’s podcast episode is all about strengthening that inner person- becoming a better and stronger person takes some brain training and brain training takes tools so that they can develop healthy habits, build mental strength and take actions towards becoming their best selves.
This week’s guest is someone who has been on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast 3 times already- so this is her fourth- and that’s because she’s one of my favorites and definite a fan favorite as well. I am finding as I write my book, How to Talk to Kids about Anything, and write my chapters on talking to kids about mistakes and failure and dealing with big feelings, responsibility and self-reliance and coping with anxiety- the conversations that I’ve had with Amy Morin have come up again and again. So you will absolutely see Amy quoted in my book once it’s released- and she even wrote a very supportive comment about my forthcoming book in my proposal, for which I am extremely grateful.
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Special Guest: Devorah Heitner
Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native.
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Special Guest: Logan Levkoff, PhD Parents, much to their surprise, have a great influence on their kids’ attitudes and values around sex, body exploration and relationships. While kids might tell you that they absolutely, positively do not want to talk to their parents (of all people) about sex or dating, the studies reveal something completely different. Perhaps you remember when we had Richard Weissbourd of Harvard University on the show and he told us that his research continually shows that kids want to have these conversations with their parents—and not just once- they want to have lots of conversations about this information over time. They want the knowledge and they want the guidance.
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Dr. Ross Greene served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. He is the author of the influential, well-known best-selling books The Explosive Child and Lost at School as well as Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found and Lost in School and has helped to bring about an upcoming documentary called “The Kids We Lose.” He is a fierce and articulate advocate for the compassionate understanding and treatment of behaviorally challenging kids and their caregivers. Drawing upon vast clinical and consultation experience and research in the neurosciences, his innovative, research-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach – which posits that challenging behavior is the result of lagging skills (rather than lagging motivation) and emphasizes solving problems collaboratively (rather than use of motivational procedures) – has been implemented in countless families and hundreds of schools, inpatient units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities. The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model helps parents, teachers, and kids work together to solve problems in a way that respects our kids while supporting them in improving their behavior. Dr. Greene is also the founder of Lives in the Balance, which aims to provide resources and programs to caregivers of behaviorally challenging kids, address the issues that cause many of these kids to slip through the cracks; and to promote practices that foster the better side of human nature in all children.
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Perhaps you’ve made the mistake of cutting your child’s sandwich into triangles instead of squares. Or you’ve dealt with siblings that won’t stop fighting, a child who refuses to get out of bed or cries when you try to leave the house. And perhaps your child’s struggles, tantrums, refusals, frustrations have gotten a little bit under your skin and made you hot under the collar— and while you tell yourself to be patient and loving, you start yelling, threatening, bribing or caving under the pressure. We get it. SO many parents feel helpless, desperate and frustrated when their kids just won’t cooperate or seem so unreasonable and you are just trying to get out of the house, get them to bed or get dinner on the table. My guests today will give us what to do and say in these moments using their ALP system that they’ve taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice over the years.
Heather Turgeon MFT and Julie Wright MFT are the authors of the new book Now Say This: The right words to solve every parenting dilemma (Penguin RandomHouse), as well as the popular sleep book, The Happy Sleeper. Based in NYC and Los Angeles, they frequently speak and offer consultations to families on communication, setting limits with empathy, sleep, and more. Follow them on Instagram and Facebook @TheHappySleeper
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Special Guest: Janice Johnson Dias Can we teach our daughters to change the world for the better? Through conscious parenting choices, we can give our girls the resources to not only take hold of their own futures but also assist other girls, pulling them upwards and forwards so that change becomes a chain reaction and a powerful one at that. It may seem counter-intuitive, in a world that often tells parents to put their children first by dwarfing their own passions—taking a back seat in their own lives so that their children can move ahead- our next guest posits that by finding our own joy, we can inspire our girls to discover and live by theirs. By laying down the burdens of our past, turning our challenges into adventures, and our failures into lessons we can teach our girls many important lessons. But just as important, we can help our girls to identify her heroes and mentors, her own strengths and allow her to teach us a thing or two each week about who she is and how she sees the world.
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Dr. Tim Elmore is a best-selling author and CEO of Growing Leaders, a global non-profit organization created to empower students with real-life leadership skills. Tim’s expertise on the emerging generation has led to media coverage in The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes.com, USA Today and The Washington Post. He has also appeared on CNN’s Headline News and Fox and Friends to discuss how to lead Millennials and Generation Z. Tim’s latest books include Marching Off the Map: Inspire Students to Navigate a Brand New World and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.
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Special Guest: Chelsea Brennan Many parents believe that money is another taboo topic that we just don’t discuss. After all, there is a lot of emotion, status, privilege and judgment tied up with money that make it a topic that can be triggering to many. But when you think about it- where are kids learning about money these days? Many only see the swipe of a credit card & the magic of online shopping- where we press some buttons and we walk out with stuff—or better yet, it appears at our door or in our mailbox! We know this isn’t how it works- and it’s important to teach our kids about money- what we value, what we might be saving for, what we choose to spend money on, which charities we may give money to and what seems frivolous, unnecessary or even counter-productive. But how do we talk to our kids about our family money values, goals and choices- and how can we help set them up with the knowledge, skills and understanding so that they know how to handle money when they need to make important financial decisions later in life? Today we’ll talk to Chelsea Brennan for some answers.
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As we discuss conversations on this podcast— key conversations we must have with our children about tough topics— sex, death, divorce, porn, failure, ADHD, bullying— discussions where emotions can run high, agendas can cloud openness and listening and true presence— fear can make us shy away from saying what truly needs to be said, or heard or understood. What if there was a step that we needed to take before we had these all important conversations— a step that acknowledged the importance of dignity for each person— to hold another person’s dignity as precious and valuable while also knowing that our own would be kept in tact as well. How might that affect these key conversations we have with our partners, with our children, with teachers, instructors, coaches— people who touch our lives and help to shape how they evolve. And what if we focused on dignity as a fundamental part of raising our children to become leaders— showing and discussing how we can lead with dignity and create a culture that brings out the best in people? For these questions and more, we turn to our distinguished guest, Dr. Donna Hicks.
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Special Guest: Janine Halloran, M.A., LMHC All children and teens get stressed, anxious and angry sometimes. This is normal. Being able to positively deal with stress, anxiety and anger are important skills to learn so they can be employed at home, in school or other learning environments, and when in frustrating situations with friends and peers. But not all kids learn these strategies naturally. They need a trusted adult to help them learn how to self soothe, calm down, balance their energy and emotions, and process challenging feelings. How can we help our children and teens learn these coping strategies? For that, we turn to Janine Halloran.
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In her 2016 Ted Talk, Julie Lythcott-Haims started off by saying, “there’s a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into themselves. There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parenting feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers….our kids end up leading a kind of check-listed childhood, she goes on to say, such that, she warns that once they end up at the end of high school they are breathless—of course—they have spent so much time having been obsessed with grades and activities—becoming what they are supposed to be rather than exploring who they may want to become. What interests them. And knowing, with their own brains and experimenting with their own grit and their own skills—to develop into a self-sufficient, resilient adult. So it begs the question—what can we do to break free from the overparenting trap that says we must be on our children every minute prodding and directing, being our child’s concierge, as Julie Lythcott-Haims labels, and instead, preparing our children to become successful adults who can stand on their own two feet.
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All children, regardless of their genetics, are at some risk for substance abuse. According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, teen drug addiction is the nation’s largest preventable and costly health problem. Despite the existence of proven preventive strategies, nine out of ten adults with substance use disorder report they began drinking and taking drugs before age eighteen. Some room to grow that particularly refer to us, in relation to this podcast; According to Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA), between 75-87% of parents talk at least a little about nicotine, alcohol, and marijuana, but just 50-60% talk about other drugs such as heroin, amphetamines and abuse of prescription medications—so we can make a difference with bringing this topic to the forefront. What do we say? What can we do to help create a supportive, open environment where substance abuse and the stressors surrounding it are not hidden in a closet where drinking and drug use can be triggered and take hold? For this conversation, we have Jessica Lahey on, who has been with us before when talking about failure—and this time, on addiction and addiction inoculation.
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Parenting young children can be tough! They can get overloaded, stuck, frustrated and as we’ve talked about before, they need our help when their limbic brains are on meltdown. So what can you SAY, THINK and DO, to help your children manage their BIG feelings and learn to do as you ask? Today, we are talking a second time with pediatric Psychologist, Dr. Lynne Kenney, about how to handle the tantrums, the "I won'ts" and "I can'ts", to help you parent with more collaboration, peace, and calm in your family.
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Dr. Christine Koh - This podcast focuses on how to talk to kids about the uptick in Asian-American violence over the last year, culminating in the Atlanta shooting on March 16, 2021 in which 8 died, including 6 women of Asian descent. Dr. Robyn Silverman and Christine Koh discuss the source of this racism as well as how our kids can be allies and activists in today’s world. They also discuss conversations starters, ways to support those who are being discriminated against, and what to do when we see racism in action. How white people, including white parents, white teachers and white peers can support Asian and Asian-American children is also discussed.
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Special Guest: Annie Fox
Annie Fox is an Award winning writer, app developer and Educator Focusing on Social-Emotional learning and character development. Annie aims to teach kids to be good people because we need more good people. We are all villagers, so it's up to us. Some of her books include: Teaching Kids to Be Good People, Too Stressed to Think?, the Middle School Confidential book and app series, and the Raymond and Sheila picture books series. Annie’s latest book, The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship, offers 8-12 year old girls (and their parents/teachers) 50 ways to fix a friendship without the DRAMA. And that topic, talking to girls about friendship, is what lands her on the show today and we couldn’t be more excited.
Girls and friendship. For some, this topic makes them smile and think of the most endearing, close, meaningful relationships of their lives. For others, it makes them sweat and feel a little sick. Maybe it’s a little bit of both!
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Special guest: Michele Borba, Ed.D: This podcast focuses on how to help kids thrive in an uncertain world. Have you ever noticed that even when all the odds are stacked against some kids, somehow certain kids rise above and thrive? These kids are the thrivers! They have skills, traits and practices that allow them to shine while others struggle. What are their secrets? We discuss them in today’s podcast with author, Dr. Michele Borba.
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Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, speaker, and fellow at the Institute for Social Innovation at Fielding Graduate University where she studies how young people become caring family members, innovative workers, ethical leaders, and engaged citizens in an increasingly complex society. She is founder of Roots of Action, a website that shares research-based resources on positive youth development with parents, schools, and communities – with an audience of over half-million readers each year. She is the author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation and a contributing writer at Psychology Today and Edutopia.
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Dannielle Miller is a best-selling Author, Teen Educator and Media Commentator In 2003 she founded Australia’s leading provider of in-school workshops for teen girls, Enlighten Education. More recently, she launched a program for boys, Goodfellas. She has written for several online and print publications and has a bi-weekly column in Australia’s most read newspaper, The Daily Telegraph. She has written five books for parents and teen girls, including a best-selling title on raising happy, confident teen girls, The Butterfly Effect. Dannielle is a popular speaker at youth and education conferences and forums internationally.
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Special guest: Dr. Harold Koplewicz: This podcast focuses on how to raise resilient, self-reliant and secure kids in an age of anxiety. The most common health disorders among children are mental health disorders. That’s 17 million children! We must help children cope with stress and learn from their mistakes—and we can do this through scaffold parenting. Scaffold parenting is a framework based on structure, support and encouragement. Dr. Robyn Silverman speaks to Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, founding president and medical director at the Child Mind Institute and author of the new book, The Scaffold Effect, on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
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Special Guest: Dawn Huebner, PhD Do your children or young teens get nervous? Scared? Jittery? Uneasy? Agitated? Stressed out? Well, everyone gets worried sometimes. Some people are able to move through worry fairly easily while others find that worry can get in their way. Does that happen to your kids? In certain situations, it can happen to mine. Some kids worry about school, tests, or where they’re going to sit at lunch. Others worry about bugs or thunder storms, bad dreams or being away from their parents. As an adult, sometimes our kids’ worries seem strange or illogical and we can get frustrated or overwhelmed, annoyed or even worried about their worry. We need some tips and scripts to help our kids tame those jitters- especially when we aren’t there to help the, Well, we are in luck- my next guest is going to help us talk to kids and help kids understand and outsmart worry.
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Special guest: Jason B. Allen: It is no secret that many of our black and brown boys are marginalized, mistreated and made to feel inferior in today’s world. You’ve heard leaders call for systemic change- but that only happens when the people within our systems, help them to change. We need advocates, educators and activists to help do this important work—to teach and guide us, as parents and coaches and prominent people in the lives of youth on how to help all our young people reach their potential. There are some uncomfortable conversations that must occur- about racism, about inequity, about social justice—with those young people who are on the receiving end of inequities as well as with those who are peers, friends, teachers and parents of those who must cope with these inequities every day. How do we talk to our kids about equity and social justice? How do we empower our young people to speak out and make change? And How do we present ourselves as mentors—or provide the mentors our children need- so that they have people to look towards who look like them so they can see where they can go with hard work and hopefully, a fair shot. For all of this, I turn to special educator, Jason B. Allen.
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Special guest: Mona Delahooke, PhD. A kindergartener whose father pinches her on the arm at night- once for every time her teacher wrote the girl’s name on the behavior chart at school that day.
A three year old in foster care who was found sitting in a car by the side of the road with his mother, who was passed out at the wheel. His daycare-center teacher sends him to a time out room for challenging behaviors.
A ten year old is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. His teachers say he is chronically disruptive, always seeking attention, His problematic behaviors began after his family relocated to a new state.
My next guest says that we are too quick to look at behaviors as attempts to annoy and disrupt—rather than what they truly represent- observable responses to our internal and external experiences. And here’s the problem with that- When we fail to recognize that many behaviors represent the body’s response to stress, not intentional misbehavior, we expend effort on techniques designed to help children logically connect their thoughts, emotions and behaviors and change them—when they simply can’t yet. Instead, we need to see the behavior that is problematic and confusing and NOT ask ourselves how do we get rid of it? But rather, what is this telling us about the child? The answer will then guide us to coming up with the best approach to help that individual child thrive.
Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is a clinical child psychologist with a passion for supporting families and children. She has worked widely with multidisciplinary teams in the areas of trauma, developmental and emotional differences for 25 years. She is a senior faculty member of the Profectum Foundation and is a trainer and consultant to schools and agencies including the Los Angeles Department of Mental Health. Her blog, The Visible Parent, and book, Social & Emotional Development in Early Intervention (2017) explore the latest translational applications of neuroscience to social and emotional development. She is also the author of Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.
The post How to Look Beyond Behaviors to Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges with Mona Delahooke, PhD ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Rachel Simmons Rachel Simmons is a bestselling author, educator and consultant helping girls and women be more authentic, assertive and resilient. Her latest release, Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy and Fulfilling Lives, due out today from HarperCollins. Her previous work includes the New York Times bestsellers Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl. As an educator, Rachel teaches girls and women the skills they need to build their resilience, amplify their voices, and own their courage so that they—and their relationships—live with integrity and health.
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Dr. Robyn Silverman does a solocast on setting goals for 2021 with empathy, hope and a little surrender in mind. How can you set goals using empathy? How can we use this time to talk to kids about household contributions and life skills development? How can we use this time to talk about tough topics and how do you bring it up anyway? Dr. Robyn sits down with you, one on one, for an intimate discussion at the start of 2021.
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Special Guest: Amy Morin
Amy Morin a psychotherapist and the international bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Her forthcoming book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, goes on sale September 19. Amy also teaches at Northeastern University and she’s a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Verywell, and Psychology Today. Her advice has been featured by numerous media outlets including Oprah.com, Parents, Business Insider, Success Magazine, and Fox News and she stars in a RedBull TV show called Visions of Greatness.
Mentally strong people have good habits, make informed choices and persevere even when the going gets tough. But what habits have mentally strong people dropped to make room for personal growth and meaningful gain? Many people have told Amy Morin, who authored the blockbuster “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” (which you can hear about here LINK), that they wished they had learned these 13 things to avoid earlier in life—and how, as parents, could they be a better example to their kids? How could they actively instill positive habits (and avoid instilling negative habits) in their children that could compromise their mental strength? This podcast has the answers.
The post What to do (and what not to do) to become mentally strong parents with Amy Morin, LCSW – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Judith Warner - This podcast is about how to help ourselves and our children navigate middle school successfully. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Judith Warner, author of “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me,” about middle school friendship, relationships, emotions, frustrations, screen-time and more.
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Special Guest: Debbie Reber
Debbie Reber is a New York Times bestselling author and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a website, top podcast, and social media company for parents who are raising differently wired children. Her next book, Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World, comes out in June 2018. She currently lives with her son and husband in the Netherlands. Check her out at http://www.tiltparenting.com
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Cooper Lawrence, PhD - This podcast is about celebrities and the impact they have on our children through social media, movies, TV shows and more. How do celebrities get such a hold on people? Why does what they do and say influence what our children do, say and believe? Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Cooper Lawrence to understand celebrity culture and how we can help our kids understand it’s profound influence on those who follow particular famous stars.
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Special Guest: Jessica Herthel
This podcast is aimed to help parents and educators understand how to knowledgably and compassionately talk about transgender youth and gender expression with children. Especially when many people have their own preconceived notions about gender, it can be hard to speak about the spectrum of gender expression in a non-biased and open-minded way. How do we answer questions about what transgender means? How do we better understand the challenges of transgender and other LGBTQ youth? How can we best support children in our community who are gender non-conforming? This podcast episode with Jessica Herthel, LGBTQ advocate, helps to answer these (and more) questions!
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Kristen Howerton - This podcast is about how to parent without perfection. While we may have pictured smiling, complaint-free kids frolicking in meadows, taking out the trash without prompting and feeling a carefree ease as we baked cookies in a clean and organized home before we had kids- this is not reality. Kids are not perfect and neither are we. Far from it. The quicker we accept that life is messy, with spills, frustration, disorganization and yes, some quarreling too, the better. Families and life moments can be both beautiful and contentious at times. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Kristen Howerton on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast.
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Special Guest: Dr. Dehra Harris
Children who are differently wired, and in particular, children with ADHD, can often feel like something is “wrong” with their brain. “Why can’t I pay attention?” “Why am I getting yelled at right now?” While there are some clear challenges that children with ADHD face in school and in some everyday activities, there are also many strengths that come with having ADHD. During this podcast, Dr. Dehra Harris talks about how we can better understand the challenges and strengths of having ADHD and how we can talk to children about their brain. Dr. Dehra also talks to us about some tips to best parent children with ADHD so that they thrive and we all have more success.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Impulsivity & ADHD with Dr. Dehra Harris – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Andrea Umbach
All people, young or old, experience fears or anxiety at one time or another in their lives. These feelings are often normal- even protective- because they tell us when we need to use caution, run, fight or get help. Kids may fear the dark, or spiders, or being separated from their parents- and much more. For children, coping with fear can even help them deal calmly with bigger fears as they get older and challenging situations get more, well, challenging. But what happens when fears are more relentless? When they are more than just normal, everyday anxieties and tend to stop us from doing what we want to do, need to do, live fully from day to day? What happens when it’s not just a fear- but a phobia? To figure all of this out- I am so glad we have Dr. Andrea Umbach on our show today.
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Special Guest: Carrie Goldman
Bullying is a hot topic these days- of course it is. Studies tell us that, more and more, bullying can have a lasting effect on a person's mental health. Not to mention, we hear tragic stories about children feeling hopeless and helpless when they are being bullied- even some who have turned to hurting themselves or suicide because they don’t see anyway out. As a person who was bullied during my 5th grade year—I can relate to feeling so frustrated and upset and misunderstood and stuck, overwhelmed and targeted while I was being bullied- and I vowed that I would do whatever it took to help young people feel confident in their own skin, speak up when they see something is not right, and help the adults who love kids to know some tips and scripts to be helpful when a child is being bullied. You have heard the podcast with Rosalind Wiseman when we spoke abut creating a culture of dignity among young people- now we have one of my friends and colleagues, Carrie Goldman, on the show, to talk more about bullying, in particular.
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Special Guest: Caroline Knorr
Ever see an ad for a toy, movie, TV show or book and wonder, is that right for my child? Wish you had knew from a completely unbiased, well-researched, independent child-focused organization how to pick the best apps, best websites and best educational videos for your kids at the most optimal ages possible? And speaking of optimal ages- wish you knew how much screen time your child should get or when you should get your child his or her first phone? Then you have come to the right place today. Parenting in the 21st century is filled with figuring out media from dealing with online safety to navigating social media to knowing which apps are really good for learning. We are so thrilled to have Caroline Knorr from Common Sense Media on the show today.
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Kara Kinney Cartwright - This podcast will focus on teaching boys to recognize the humanness in everyone—to be kind and to NOT be an assh*le. How can we teach our sons to have positive interactions, make good decisions and recognize when they are being jerkfaces? We talk about all of it on the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast with guest and author, Kara Kinney Cartwright.
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Special Guest: Sue Scheff
In today’s digitally driven world, disaster is only a click away. This is the written on the front flap of my next guest’s new book, Shame Nation. On this podcast, we’ve talked about the good and bad of the digital world- it can be a place of immense resource and positive education- we had a great discussion about learning and leading in a digital world with Eric Sheninger- and it can also be a home of aggression, misuse and the ugliness of humanity- from talking about bullying with Carrie Goldman and dignity and social aggression with Rosalind Wiseman. We have a few coming up like Katie Hurley talking about No More Mean Girls and a few others so, as parents, we know about the need for parental controls and the need for safety discussions regarding predators and who is friending you on social media. But my next guest brings to light a whole other segment of discussion that happens every day on the internet and can be like a runaway train if you don’t catch it before it gets out of control- online shaming.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Preventing and Overcoming Online Shaming with Sue Scheff – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Lisa Selin Davis - This podcast will focus on gender and identity. What it means to be a tomboy in 2020? How is kids’ concept of gender formed? Lisa Selin Davis and Dr. Robyn Silverman discuss “boy territory,” “girl territory,” and what happens when the boundaries get blurred.
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Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. And she has a new workbook out called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook that you are sure to love. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
The post How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting with Your Kids with Dr. Laura Markham – ReLaunch appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Dr. Christine Koh - This podcast will focus on minimalist parenting- getting more out of life by doing less. Are you finding life seems to be about acquiring more, doing more, overscheduling and overparenting? It’s time to stop the madness! This podcast episode helps us to declutter, pair-down and pull back from the hamster-wheel of life so we no longer feel overwhelmed and our kids learn to see the bigger picture! We are all part of a family system and we can all get more out of family life…by doing less! This week’s guest is Dr. Christine Koh.
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Special Guest: Gretchen Rubin
We all have different kinds of kids that we parent, teach or coach. Think about it. Some seem easy as pie and others drive you absolutely bonkers. You give one kid a responsibility or perhaps you help one kid set a goal- and he’s on it. Committed and ready to whatever it takes to follow through. He’s off and running and you don’t need to do anything to help him make it happen. Wow! What a great parent or teacher you must be! Then- you give another kid a responsibility or help him set a goal and he might question you for an hour about why he has to do it this way or that and every who, what, where, when and how it will be done as well. Still other kids may need regular accountability to ensure progress or maybe you even know a few that may resist moving forward no matter what you try. Have I described the kids in your life yet? Why in the world can setting expectations, giving responsibilities or helping kids set goals work so easily for some kids and seem like a lesson in futility for others? Turns out, you aren’t crazy—there’s a reason for this. It comes down to a person’s tendency. And you know what? You have them too.
Gretchen Rubin is the author of several books, including the blockbuster bestsellers Better Than Before and The Happiness Project. Perhaps you’ve seen her on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday or give her Ted Talk or give expert happiness advice on the Today Show or Good Morning America. She also has a very popular podcast that you may have heard—called Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. Her new book, The Four Tendencies, reveals a personality framework she’s created that that explains that people fall into four types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. And we are going to talk all about it today.
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Christine Pearce Rampone & Dr. Kristine Keane - This podcast will focus on talking to kids about what really helps a person to succeed in sports and in life- learning from failure, handling pressure, building confidence, being accountable and strengthening their mental and physical skills. Dr. Robyn Silverman talks with sports icon, Christie Pearce Rampone and sports psychologist, Dr. Kristine Keane about how to help kids succeed in sports and in life.
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Special Guest: Dina Alexander
So who wants more information about how to have THE talk with their kids. You know the one. THE SEX TALK! This is one of those conversations that often makes us all squirm in our seats and yet, gotta have it. And remember, while you may not be talking to your kids about sex yet, you’ll need to talk about it at some point—and likely sooner than later, no matter what your family values are and what you personally think your children should or shouldn’t be doing. And for those of you who have already been in the thick of it—perhaps you’ve already had a discussion about privacy, your child’s body or sex itself – remember, it’s never one big talk, but a series of little ones, so this podcast can help provide you with one, two or three extra nuggets you might not have thought of yet when the topic comes up again. And you know it will! It always does.
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Meghan Leahy - Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the stress and perfectionism of our overparenting culture–and at the same time, yearned for solutions to ease the struggles of everyday family life? Perhaps you have been caught at the grocery store with a tantruming 2-year-old, made organic salmon for your 4-year-old only to have it thrown across the room or attempted to reason with your 5-year-old about why you should stay at the party so you could have some “adult-time” after they were more than an hour past done, done? We hear about the endless “shoulds” of modern parenting– and yet real life just needs real solutions. Today, we are going to discuss how we can parent outside of the lines with guest, Meghan Leahy.
Meghan Leahy is the On Parenting columnist for The Washington Post, and a certified parenting coach. She is the author of PARENTING OUTSIDE THE LINES and is the mother of three daughters. She practices Zen Buddhism, holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education and a master’s degree in school counseling. She has appeared on NPR, ABC and in numerous other publications. Leahy lives with her family outside Washington DC.
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Special Guest: Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore
Friendship can be a beautiful part of life. We laugh, cry, play, talk and experience life with friends as we grow up. I mean, thinking back to your childhood, no doubt there are many moments that many of us can remember that involve friends. But that doesn’t mean that friendship is a simple construct. There are important skills that kids must develop in order to make and keep friends. How do they make friends? How do they learn to understand their friend’ feelings? How do they learn be part of the group and still maintain their own individuality and how do they let go to forgive or even more on from a friendship? For these questions, we are turning to Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD
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Kate Rope - We often get a great deal of advice about how to raise our children but don’t always hear the best ways we can take care of ourselves and stay sane WHILE raising our children. Who can you turn to when things aren’t going smoothly? How can you talk about it when you are struggling? How do you cope with anger or exhaustion or frustration and avoid becoming the one who does EVERYTHING even when you have nothing left? Today we are going to speak to my friend and colleague, Kate Rope for the answers to these questions.
KATE ROPE is an award-winning freelance journalist and author of Strong as a Mother: How to Be Happy, Healthy and (Most Importantly) Sane From Pregnancy to Parenthood: The Only Guide to Taking Care of YOU! She writes about mental health and parenting for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Time and many other publications. She is currently co-creating an audio documentary about medical research during the Vietnam War with Alan Alda. It will be released by Audible in Fall 2020. You can find her work at katerope.com
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Special Guest: Scott Sonenshein
This podcast provides:
Tips: How to help our kids do more with less and become more resourceful. How can we be more creative? Scott also talks about taking “field trips,” creative atypical birthday parties, reaffirming play, modeling, little seed creativity.
Scripts: Saying no to our children, what to say when your child wants a new toy
Steps: Taking a child through how to be resourceful when wanting a new toy. How can we look at what we have in unique ways?
Barriers to success: By saying yes to everything we create a dependence on “more stuff” and we rob our kids of the ability to get creative.
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Rosalind Wiseman - We all need to hone the ability to regulate ourselves and teach and model for our children and students how to do the same. That means sharpening our social and emotional skills so that we can function and thrive in today’s society—creating healthy relationships and health and wellbeing for ourselves as well. What are the core social and emotional concepts that we need to understand? How does our understanding of how we deal with anger, frustration, shame, discomfort and anxiety play a role on how we relate to others and how we conduct ourselves with others? We all need support in these areas- now more than ever—for both ourselves and the young people we care for each day. To delve into these important topics, I will be interviewing the fabulous Rosalind Wiseman for the second time on How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
From where we learn to where we work, Rosalind Wiseman fosters civil dialogue and inspires communities to build strength, courage and purpose. She is the founder of Cultures of Dignity; an organization that shifts the way communities think about our physical and emotional wellbeing by working in close partnership with the experts of those communities–young people, educators, policy makers, and business and political leaders. A multiple New York Times best-selling author including Queen Bees and Wannabes that was made into the movie and musical Mean Girls, a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Washington Post and other publications and international speaker, she lives in Boulder Colorado with her husband and two sons. She and her team created these very handy and helpful “tiny guides,”- a set of small books on everything from dignity to emotional granularity to anger and shame that provide tools and skills to manage ourselves and our relationships (and help the young people we love and guide to manage themselves and their relationships) under exceptional circumstances.
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This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about healthy, caring, romantic relationships. When you were a teen, who taught you about how to have a mutually beneficial, successful romantic relationship? Who is teaching your teen? Dr. Weissbourd and his team released a report on May 17th called The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment. This report highlights what adults have NOT been doing to help prevent misogyny among teens and to prepare young people for caring, ethical romantic and sexual relationships. This podcast expands on what Dr. Weissbourd and his team found and how we can personally answer the question: What do we, as key adults in the lives of teens, really understand about healthy, caring romantic relationships and how can we convey this to our kids?
The post How to Talk to Kids about Healthy, Caring Romantic Relationships with Dr. Richard Weissbourd – ReRelease appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Nefertiti Austin - Each year, thousands of Americans choose to go through the adoption process to build their families. Those who know me, know that my 2 children were both adopted by my husband and myself and also happen to be full blood siblings. Just a little bit over 12 years ago, we began the adoption process and went through the many feelings that come with adoption, and for us, an open adoption, with our children’s birth family. We did it again just 16 months after my daughter was born with my son. Every adoption is deeply personal and different depending on who is involved and the decisions that the many people involve make or has to make in order to ensure that the process ends with a well-cared for, loved child. It’s not a cookie-cutter process. Adoption is just a piece of what we are going to discuss today- because there is a very important layer of discussion that my next guest brings to light as well and that is, race and gender as it relates to fostering, adopting and parenting in America. She puts high beams on the question; “what are the challenges that single black women must face when fostering, adopting and parenting in America? And a secondary question that we will also explore which is, how can we raise black boys in America understanding the racism and stereotypes that seem to be weaved into the fabric of American culture?
We remember the past stories of young black boys senselessly killed such as Trayvon Martin—but then hear recent accounts of young black men killed because they were jogging in a white neighborhood or a woman calling the cops on a black man watching birds in Central Park because he requested that she leash her dog. How does a mother parent a black boy in an America that assumes that black boys are doing the wrong thing even when they are doing the right thing? Or, where my next guest writes, “where a hoodie plus a black male is synonymous with danger?” This is an important topic for everyone. If changes are going to be made when it comes to racism, the foster-care system, hyper-masculinity, sexism and how black boys are raised and regarded in today’s culture, we have got to talk about it and set some intentions to make the changes in our ow lives- in the way we raise our children and the way we see other children in America. For this, I am excited to have a conversation with Nefertiti Austin.
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Special Guest: Lori Lite
More and more, kids are feeling stressed out in today’s world. This is a topic that comes up often- and of course it does, between academics, sports, homework, performance, lack of free play, reduced recess, political unrest, overworked parents and more, kids are being pulled in many directions and so are parents. Stress is part of the landscape in many families. It’s a great privilege to be able to call on the parenting experts who study stress and stress management as a living to help us know what to do, how to stay calm and how to help our kids with stress management.
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Madeline Levine, PhD - The pandemic is still going strong and the date to open many states is being pushed out further and further. A few states are starting to open here and there but many parents still feel a lot of anxiety around going back to “normal” even as COVID-19 has claimed over a quarter of a million lives across the world, nearly 100, 000 of them in the US. What’s going on is impacting young children, older children and yes, parents too. Of course, parents too! There are questions of financial issues, emotional issues, mental issues, loneliness, fear, frustration and how we are all going to cope with the day to day as the day to day morphs into months and months. It puts a lot on our shoulders. Let’s not bury it. Let’s discuss it. Time to shine a light on what’s really going on behind closed doors. For this discussion, I’m interviewing Graeme Seabrook.
Graeme Seabrook, The Mom for Moms, is a coach and writer who has been guiding and supporting mothers as they discover and reclaim themselves since 2014. She has worked with over 2500 moms since 2014 and in between clients she reads about moms, writes about moms, speaks about moms, learns from moms, and is a mom of two herself! Her work springs from the truth that embracing your humanity is a mother’s deepest calling and the very best thing you can do for your family.Madeline Levine, Phd - We live in an uncertain world. Modern times from politics to illness to how the economy functions, racial and gender bias and even the opening and closings of schools and camps has taught us that. Nobody can perfectly predict what is to happen from year to year, month to month and even from day to day. The world we know can feel disturbing and unfamiliar, at times. In the wake of what feels increasingly threatening and unpredictable to parents, moms and dads are pushing their kids to excel, swooping in to rescue them from struggle if it gives them an extra edge, and leaving the kids unprepared, fragile and reliant on others when they are faced with challenges and adversity. And I can’t forget to mention, the stress and anxiety, exhaustion, overwhelm and distress that come in heaping portions when kids wake up facing a future that they have not been prepared for or they feel ill-equipped to cope with, it not exactly a recipe for success. Of course, we too, as parents are stressed out as we compare ourselves incessantly with the Jones’s who are leading their perfect lives on Facebook and Instagram while we worry about what school our children will attend, which extra sport or activity they can take to round out their resume and when in the world they will learn another language to make themselves more marketable. But, my next guest tells us, there is hope. We are learning what skills our children really need in order to succeed- and they have to do less with learning to code and taking AP history and more to do with adaptability, mental agility, curiosity, collaboration, tolerance for failure, resilience, and optimism. Most important, my next guest provides the day-to-day solutions parents can use to raise kids who are prepared, enthusiastic, and ready to face an unknown future with confidence and optimism.
Madeline Levine, Ph.D. is a psychologist with over 35 years of experience as a clinician, consultant, educator and author. Her New York Times bestseller, The Price of Privilege, explores the reasons why teenagers from affluent families are experiencing epidemic rates of emotional problems. Her follow up book, Teach Your Children Well, also a New York Times bestseller, tackles our current narrow definition of success – how it unnecessarily stresses academically talented kids and marginalizes many more whose talents and interests are less amenable to measurement. Her current book, Ready or Not, focuses on how to best prepare our children and ourselves for an uncertain and rapidly changing world. Her books have been translated into multiple languages. Dr.
This podcast will focus on how white kids are being educated about race and racism in America. While we know from research that black families teach their children about social inequalities, race and racism from an early age, what are white families doing? Are families and communities a place where white kids learn to become racist or a space where they learn to be antiracist or race-conscious? Do white kids learn, within the family paradigm, to challenge racial inequalities? Dr. Margaret Hagerman talks about her research and her new book: White kids: Growing Up With Privilege in a Racially Divided America. It’s an important topic that many people avoid out of discomfort or confusion with regard to how to discuss it. We get right into it on How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
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Graeme Seabrooke - The pandemic is still going strong and the date to open many states is being pushed out further and further. A few states are starting to open here and there but many parents still feel a lot of anxiety around going back to “normal” even as COVID-19 has claimed over a quarter of a million lives across the world, nearly 100, 000 of them in the US. What’s going on is impacting young children, older children and yes, parents too. Of course, parents too! There are questions of financial issues, emotional issues, mental issues, loneliness, fear, frustration and how we are all going to cope with the day to day as the day to day morphs into months and months. It puts a lot on our shoulders. Let’s not bury it. Let’s discuss it. Time to shine a light on what’s really going on behind closed doors. For this discussion, I’m interviewing Graeme Seabrook.
Graeme Seabrook, The Mom for Moms, is a coach and writer who has been guiding and supporting mothers as they discover and reclaim themselves since 2014. She has worked with over 2500 moms since 2014 and in between clients she reads about moms, writes about moms, speaks about moms, learns from moms, and is a mom of two herself! Her work springs from the truth that embracing your humanity is a mother’s deepest calling and the very best thing you can do for your family.
The post How to Parent Through a Pandemic While Letting Go of Perfect with Graeme Seabrook appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Margie Warrell
This podcast provides:
Tips: Specific tips on what to do to help our children take healthy risks and lead a brave life.
Scripts: What to say (and how to show and model) to our kids about getting out of their comfort zone as well as what kinds of risks are worth taking.
How to add bravery into everyday experiences
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Kristin Russo - When a child or teen comes out to their parents as gay, parents are often left with many unanswered questions fueled by fear, lack of knowledge or concerns about the wellbeing of their child. The conversations that need to take place are not as much about you answering questions for your child but about your child answering questions for you. Your child has likely been navigating the coming-out process for quite some time, now, you will be faced with decisions about how you will react to the information. How will you share this information with others? How can you best support your child? What if you fear for their safety? What’s the deal with pronouns? You might also grapple with how your child’s sexuality fits in with your faith, your previous hopes and dreams for them and your relationship. Well, it doesn’t make sense to stick our heads in the sand. It’s time to learn the answers for everyday questions and concerns when you are a parent, aunt/uncle, teacher, grandparents of loved one of a kid who is gay. For guidance on this topic we have Kristin Russo on the show today.
Kristin Russo is a writer, speaker, educator and consultant with a focus on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ) issues. She is also co-host & producer of Buffering the Vampire Slayer alongside musician Jenny Owen Youngs, which was named one of the top 30 podcasts of the decade by Paste Magazine. She has a great book with co-author Dan Owens called This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. You can find her at kristinnoeline.com
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Special Guest: Amy Morin, LCSW
Ever wonder: What is the secret of success? Is it intelligence? Talent? Luck? Perhaps a bit. But more and more the research is telling us that the X-factor—the reason why some people fail and other succeed comes down to grit or what is sometimes referred to as mental toughness or mental strength. What is mental strength? How can we develop it? And How can parents, teachers and coaches help kids to develop mental strength? These are just some of the questions we are going to get answers to on today’s podcast with Amy Morin.
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Ron L. Deal, MMFT - Every person in a family wants to feel loved and wants to be able to show love to others who they care about and appreciate. And while that concept may be simple- the execution can be surprisingly complicated as not everyone gives and receives love in the same way. Some may desire reassuring physical touch while another person enjoys compliments, encouragement and other words of affirmation. Still others may feel most loved when they receive gifts or their family members do acts of service for them—cooking, cleaning, picking up the dry cleaning, or fixing something that might help the other person. Some prefer quality time. Perhaps you recognize your love language in all of these—and the love languages of others in your family. Things get convoluted-- and well-intentioned people miss the mark when they, for instance, value acts of service but their partner or children show love through quality time or words of affirmation. Not to mention, this can be hard enough in a family that hasn’t gone through the life altering changes like divorce, remarriage or death of a parent—but what about the blended family who has to navigate step parents, step siblings, step grandparents with all of their nuances, needs, rules, emotions, concerns and ways that all of these different people want to feel valued and important? Blended families must deal with the pain of the past, the complexities of new relationships and the unique challenges that come with creating one family. As parents and stepparents, how can we have these important conversations about fear, loss, inclusion, empathy and connection—tying the binds between the biological family members and the new family members? How do we find love, strengthen it and keep it in a step family? For these answers, I have the honor of having a wonderful conversation with our guest today, Ron L. Deal.
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Special Guest: Katie Hurley
This podcast provides:
Tips: Katie talks about watching for stress-signs, encouraging play, dealing with differences between parents and children, using empathic listening, using stress words and problem-solving, stop and label, self care, body mapping, deep breathing.
Scripts: Instead of problem solving, use some empathic listening and reflect back what your child is saying. Examples are given. Also how to talk to kids about pitching in when parents are stressed out (and ask for help when they are!).
Barriers to success: Differences between how parents and children cope with stress (coming from different worlds).
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Dr. Cara Natterson - This podcast will focus on how to decode boys and talk to boys about puberty, sex, porn, nudes and body image. It’s vital that we talk to boys about these tough topics as it’s part of keeping them healthy and safe—and that’s a big part of our job as parents. Dr. Robyn Silverman interviews Dr. Cara Natterson about how to talk to boys about this sensitive subject matter. Boys deserve to have the right information that helps them learn about positive relationships and sex and, at the same time, helps to protect them from becoming vulnerable to societal messages about body image, pornography and violence.
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Special Guest: Wendy Young
This podcast provides:
Tips:
How to co-regulate
How to get off the anger merry-go-round.
How to use “a bug and a wish.”
How to help kids realize the anger cues
How to construct a mad box and why
How to process the feelings and interactions after the incident is over.
Speaking out loud about our own anger and how we process it
N.O.W. Learn how to Normalize, Offer opportunities/strategies, Work with children on managing big feelings
Scripts:
What to say when your children have big feelings and are showing intensity.
How to help children describe how big their feelings are at that moment.
Helping kids know what to do when they want to engage in negative behaviors- what can we do instead?
How to give hope when helping kids managing big, intense feelings
How to process the feelings after the incident is over
Walking through the steps of calming down our anger out loud.
Exactly what to say when children are in the throws of messy feelings.
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Diana Kapp - Although hidden from many history books, where credit wasn’t provided, or downplayed in media where coverage skewed towards gains boys and men were making, women have been making strides, creating useful inventions and running companies for longer than we know. But credit needs to be revealed if we are going to ensure that girls and boys have strong female role models and understand that women bring greatness, innovation, indomitable spirit, focus, ingenuity and leadership to this world in many of the same ways—and in different ways than do men. Without women’s creativity and persistence, we wouldn’t have some of the greatest inventions that we completely take for granted! Just dip back into history for a moment and we can reveal, for example, that the first dishwasher was developed by a woman. The Brooklyn Bridge? Woman. Windshield wipers, the game of monopoly, the brown paper bag? All developed by women. And today, we also have incredible examples of motivated, innovative women that are positive examples of taking risks, trying again, working hard, knocking off the negative self talk and forgetting about perfectionism on the way to success. We can learn a lot from these women- and today, we are going to discuss how we can use their stories to help inspire children when we are having conversations about such topics as success, persistence, risk-taking and perfectionism. And for that, I have invited author, Diana Kapp, on the show today.
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Karen Young has worked as a psychologist in private practice and in educational settings. She founded the popular website, Hey Sigmund, which attracts millions of readers each year. Karen is a sought-after speaker, both at home in Australia and internationally. She is the author of ‘Hey Warrior’, a book for kids to help them understand anxiety and find their ‘brave’. The book has now been translated into a number of languages—and we couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome her to How to Talk to Kids about Anything
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This podcast will focus on the talking to kids (and teaching kids) about money. Raising children who understand money is vital to their future financial health, independence and future fiscal behavior. Children and teens need to learn the value of money as well as how to budget, plan, earn, save, invest and give to causes and charities that mean something to them. Money management is a life skill that all children must learn—so let’s get the information we need right here!
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This podcast will focus on self-injury and how to help young people who are self-harming to find healthier ways to cope with stress, pain and big emotions. Those who are self-injuring are not attempting to die by suicide but rather aiming to find a way to feel better. Those who self-injure need help and Dr. Janis Whitlock provides the information we need to best support and understand those who are self-injuring.
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This podcast will focus on the importance of allowing children to fail. Discover why, during the school-age and teen years, it is vital for parents and educators to allow young people to experience the disappointment, frustration and struggle that occurs when they are challenged by life’s problems. Find out how failure and learning to bounce back and ultimately succeed, put children on the path to growing up and becoming successful, resilient and self-reliant adults.
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Special Guest: Peggy Orenstein
The pervasiveness of hook-up culture, ubiquity of locker room banter, accessibility of internet porn, media steeped with distorted images and wide acceptance of the “man box” or “bro culture” participation is having complex and negative effects on our boys. And as pornography has become a new kind of sex education that most boys are privy to by the tender age of 11 and sexual assault showing itself as a more commonplace occurrence, it is time for a change. As squeamish as it may make us, we’ve got to get talking to boys are sex. About consent. About empathy, porn, intimacy, media, misogyny, arousal, LGBTQ, connection. This, as you all know by now, is not just one talk but a series of little and bog discussions along the way. It is not just for Moms or just for Dads- this is for all of us. When we unravel the hidden truths and put high beams on the realities of young male sexuality and culture in today’s world, we create a provocative paradigm-shift that can help us move forward to raising more-informed boys and better men.
Peggy Orenstein is the New York Times bestselling author of Girls and sex, Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Waiting for Daisy, Flux and Schoolgirls. A contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine, she has been published in USA Today, Parenting, Salon, the New Yorker and other publications, and has contributed commentary to NPR’s "All Things Considered." Her new book has come out to glowing reviews and is called Boys and Sex, Young Men on Hook Ups, Love, Porn, consent and navigating the new masculinity. She lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.
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Special Guest: Dr. Natasha Burgert
Today we are discussing how to talk your child through the bedtime battle—and win. I know- we all need it! How many parents can say “me too” when they hear a sleepy parent talk about how their child wouldn’t go to sleep or woke up in the middle of the night—many of us have dealt with this, me included. My own daughter has had night terrors, nightmares, and I’m just not tired kind of nights. Perhaps that’s happened to you? It’s not an easy scenario- everyone is tired, sometimes over tired, we, as parents, get stressed as we still have to get the dishes done, we have to finish some work or we just simply want to find a time to relax and unwind after a long day. We clocked out at 8:30 but our kids are still working it. Aren’t we lucky to have someone who can help us deal with this challenge today?
Dr. Natasha Burgert is a mom, pediatrician, blogger, educator, and National Spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. In her full-time suburban private practice, she strives to leverage the traditional values and teachings of medical science within today's digital health revolution. Her work with patients has been featured in outlets such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Parents magazine. She has also been highlighted on NBC Nightly News, CBS This Morning, and other local news programs If she is not in clinic, you can find her on KCKidsDoc.com; as well as Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. I had the pleasure of being teamed up with Dr. Natasha for an Education Nation’s Parent Toolkit Twitter Chat - she has incredibly helpful tips that we can use right away.
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Special Guest: Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
Parenting encapsulates so many different aspects of care when it comes to a child. We receive messages about paying attention to how children are doing in school, with friends, what they are eating, how much they are playing, how hard they are working, if they are reading enough, sleeping enough, getting outside enough and much, much more. And while all of this is important—what do you think is the most important thing that a parent can do to make the biggest difference in the long run? The research tells us, it’s all about showing up. In fact, studies show that the best predictors for how any child turns out in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills and strong relationships is whether at least one key adult in the life of a child has consistently and predictably shown up for them physical AND emotionally. So today, we are going to hone in on exactly how we can show up for the children in our lives so that they can thrive. For this conversation, we have invited best-selling author, Tina Payne Bryson, on the show today.
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Special Guest Expert: Rosalind Wiseman. Today we are discussing how to talk to kids about treating each other with dignity and respect. What are the cultural messages that our kids receive? Are their differences between how boys deal with their relationships and girls cope with their relationships? How do kids bond and what do betrayals look like? How do we talk to other parents when our child has been an instigator of aggressive or bullying behavior and their child is the target AND how do we talk to the other parents when our child has been on the receiving end of aggressive or bullying behavior from their child. These are complicated questions and relationships- so thank goodness we have the best expert there is to talk about these issues, my friend and colleague, Rosalind Wiseman.
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Special Guest: Dr. Ken Ginsburg
This podcast helps parents and educators discover how to build resilience in teens. As young people are working to gain more independence, they make more mistakes and must learn how to recover. Sometime they need to learn how to get back up after a big fall while other times they must learn how to move forward after small, everyday blunders. How can we help kids learn how to believe in themselves, their own skills, their own sense of control and adaptability while also knowing we are here when they really need us? We talk about the 7 Cs of resilience with Dr. Ken Ginsberg and receive some beautiful tips and scripts that help us know the dos and don’ts while raising teens who thrive no matter what twists and turns they encounter.
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Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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Special Guest Expert: Mary DeMocker I remember, as a child, learning that you turn off the faucet while brushing your teeth. You close the refrigerator quickly and turn off the lights when you leave the room—little things- and they needed to be taught because otherwise, I admit, I hadn’t thought much about leaving the tap on, standing in front of the open fridge for minutes figuring out what I wanted to eat or leaving on the lights in every conceivable room. I’ve needed to teach it to my kids too- but of course, they sometimes forget. Sometimes protecting the Earth isn’t the first thought that comes to mind when you’re standing in the shower, letting the hot water fall on your head and back. For some, climate change might feel distant- like something happening elsewhere but not right here at home. Although this seems to be changing a bit- many families, all over the world have found that climate change has begun to touch their lives. Deadlier wild fires, increasingly crazy weather, additional information of melting ice caps on the nightly news- information coming to us through news anchors as well as out of the mouths of younger and younger activists that are demanding awareness and action. My own children have quoted information from Weird But True books and nature documentaries about what’s going on with the polar bears and tropical forests. The truth is, we are all feeling the effects and we are all contributing to the effects of climate change-- AND we are also able to help solve the problem. Of course, this means we must have the discussions that can bring about the change. It starts with opening our mouths and our hearts so that we can lay it all on the table. How do we give our children the facts about climate change- from discussions of fossil fuels to fluctuating animal habitats to sustainable and destructive energy sources so that they are in the know? And how can we, as families, alter how we live our lives, in small consistent ways, that will help create a healthier future for our loved ones? We need a climate revolution—and it starts at home, with us.
Our special guest today is Mary Democker. Mary DeMocker’s book, The Parents’ Guide to Climate Revolution: 100 Ways to Build a Fossil-Free Future, Raise Empowered Kids, and Still Get a Good Night’s Sleep is a finalist for the 2019 Oregon Book Award and has been featured on Yale Climate Connections and recommended on NPR and in The New York Times. Mary writes and speaks widely about parenting in a changing climate, helping parents, educators, clinicians, and young people find a positive role in the global transition to a clean energy future. She lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband and sometimes her son, a freshman in college. His sister older graduated from college last year and is a teacher.
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Special Guest: Anne Moss Rogers
This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about depression, substance abuse and suicide from the perspective of a mother whose child died by suicide in 2015. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 24, only behind unintentional injury, in the United States. Much of suicide has a correlation with depression and substance abuse—and while there is an epidemic of teen depression and suicide, only 45% of teen girls and 33% of teen boys who has experienced an episode of depression got treatment in 2019. It’s time to get talking. In fact, it’s talking and listening that can be the very thing that can prevent suicides from happening. We discuss the implications with Anne Moss Rogers, the author of Diary of a Broken Mind on this episode of How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
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Special Guest: Dr. Charles Fay
As parents, we have heard that the days are long and the years are short. The days can be filled with mistakes, sibling rivalry, tantrums, boundary testing, bedtime battles and tough discussions—and even as they are interspersed with fun, excitement, pride, connection and love, as parents, it’s normal to feel frustrated at times and want tools to help make the days go a bit more smoothly. The truth is, we DO only have a relatively short time to help raise our children to become responsible, capable and confident before they head out the door as adults. To put it in perspective, Dr. Laura Markham told us on one of the three episodes of How to Talk to Kids about Anything that she did with us that we only have 900 weeks with our kids before they turn 18 so be fully present when you are with them--- and Vicki Hoefle reminds us with a similar sentiment, “parent the child who will be 24 in a hot second. Parenting is not about what happens for you between the ages of 0 and 18, Parenting is what happens for our children between the ages of 18 and 80.” Let that sink in for a bit there. So, how do we parent our children, knowing that we don’t have a lot of time to, in fact, parent them, but the time we spend is so important. Our next guest will tell us that it’s about parenting with love and logic and getting children to behave from the inside out.
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Special Guest: Bento Leal
We all know that one of the most important parts of talking to kids—or really, talking to anyone you care about, is listening. Of course, with so many obligations, online notifications, overfilled schedules and to-dos, listening these days can sometimes be a challenge. Still, it’s listening, that builds trust, allows for mutual understanding, creates connection and helps us to avoid miscommunication. Most people will tell you that is no better conversation than one that makes you feel like someone really listened, saw your point, got you. And this is absolutely true for both adults and children. The right kind of listening can help our kids divulge what’s really on their minds and hearts now…and in the future. What is the secret to listening in a way that gets our kids talking? For that, we turn to Bento Leal.
Bento Leal is a Relationships Skills Trainer and Bestselling Author who has taught marriage and relationship skills classes and parenting skills classes to more than 2500 couples and singles at family resource centers, community organizations, churches, substance abuse recovery programs, county jails and federal prison throughout California. In 2017, he published his first book “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work—Anywhere!” It continues to be an Amazon Best Seller in several categories and has sold more than 50,000 copies to date.
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Special Guest: Dr. Michele Borba
What is needed to help kids succeed in today’s world? Goals? Commitment? Drive? Perhaps. But our next guest has an answer to that question that might surprise you: empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It allows our hearts to go out to others, helps us to care deeply, help, uplift, connect and love. In a world that often seems to shout, “go big or go home,” “take no prisoners,” and “let’s take a selfie!” empathy seems to be getting crowded out of the child-raising conversation- and yet, empathy is vital to health, wealth, happiness, relationship satisfaction and resilience. It promotes kindness, reduces incidents of bullying and boosts critical thinking skills. Empathy, according to our next guest, is the core to everything that makes a society civilized, but above all, it makes out children better people. And who doesn’t want that? I am so excited to have my friend and colleague, Dr. Michele Borba, on the show today.
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Special Guest Expert: Mary DeMocker I remember, as a child, learning that you turn off the faucet while brushing your teeth. You close the refrigerator quickly and turn off the lights when you leave the room—little things- and they needed to be taught because otherwise, I admit, I hadn’t thought much about leaving the tap on, standing in front of the open fridge for minutes figuring out what I wanted to eat or leaving on the lights in every conceivable room. I’ve needed to teach it to my kids too- but of course, they sometimes forget. Sometimes protecting the Earth isn’t the first thought that comes to mind when you’re standing in the shower, letting the hot water fall on your head and back. For some, climate change might feel distant- like something happening elsewhere but not right here at home. Although this seems to be changing a bit- many families, all over the world have found that climate change has begun to touch their lives. Deadlier wild fires, increasingly crazy weather, additional information of melting ice caps on the nightly news- information coming to us through news anchors as well as out of the mouths of younger and younger activists that are demanding awareness and action. My own children have quoted information from Weird But True books and nature documentaries about what’s going on with the polar bears and tropical forests. The truth is, we are all feeling the effects and we are all contributing to the effects of climate change-- AND we are also able to help solve the problem. Of course, this means we must have the discussions that can bring about the change. It starts with opening our mouths and our hearts so that we can lay it all on the table. How do we give our children the facts about climate change- from discussions of fossil fuels to fluctuating animal habitats to sustainable and destructive energy sources so that they are in the know? And how can we, as families, alter how we live our lives, in small consistent ways, that will help create a healthier future for our loved ones? We need a climate revolution—and it starts at home, with us.
Our special guest today is Mary Democker. Mary DeMocker’s book, The Parents’ Guide to Climate Revolution: 100 Ways to Build a Fossil-Free Future, Raise Empowered Kids, and Still Get a Good Night’s Sleep is a finalist for the 2019 Oregon Book Award and has been featured on Yale Climate Connections and recommended on NPR and in The New York Times. Mary writes and speaks widely about parenting in a changing climate, helping parents, educators, clinicians, and young people find a positive role in the global transition to a clean energy future. She lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband and sometimes her son, a freshman in college. His sister older graduated from college last year and is a teacher.
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Special Guest Expert: Susan Newman, PhD Do you or does your child have trouble saying “no?” Do you find yourself saying “yes” to your children when you really want to say “not today,” “I can’t swing it,” or just plain “no?” Does your child over-stretch or over-commit because s/he can’t seem to say no? Perhaps you or your child is what my next guest calls “a master of yes and a novice of no.” But is all this people-pleasing a problem? As you might have already guessed, of course it is. And- As it turns out, even though it might be difficult to say no, it’s vital that we learn how to do it for our own health, wellbeing and stress-levels—and also so that we are teaching our children how to do it too. Is it uncomfortable to say no? Sure, it can be. But constantly saying yes can cause anxiety, anger, stress, regret and feelings of powerlessness. We definitely don’t want that. For the many ways to say no and mean it, we turn to Susan Newman.
Social psychologist, Susan Newman is the author of 15 books in the parenting field. Her research examines such areas as building strong family bonds and raising only children as well as the difficulties of being working parent. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and U.S News & World Report. She is the author of Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day and The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It—and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. You Follow her on Facebook at DrSusanNewman and sign up for her free Monthly Family Life Alert Newsletter on her website SusanNewmanPhD.com.
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As a parent or a teacher, you might have had moments where children experience overwhelming feelings such as anger, anxiety or agitation leading to fitful moments, tantrums and melt-downs. Who hasn’t? Statistics tell us that 20% of young children have tantrums daily—this is normal. And as children get older, some still have trouble dealing with over-the-top feelings. And let’s be honest- at times these feelings don’t only challenge children—but they challenge us, as adults, as well. Today we are talking with Dr. Lynne Kenney about how to help children get calm on the spot and develop better tools and strategies for coping with BIG feelings.
Lynne Kenney, Psy.D., is a Harvard-trained psychologist, mother of two, an international educator, author and pediatric psychologist in Scottsdale, AZ. Dr. Kenney’s works include the Social-Emotional Literacy program Bloom Your Room™; Musical Thinking; Bloom: 50 things to say, think and do with anxious, angry and over-the-top-kids and 70 Play Activities For Better Thinking, Self-Regulation, Learning and Behavior all of which you can find through www.lynnekenney.com.
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Typically, our experts are best-selling authors and top experts who have studied a topic for many years as a researcher, writer, professional and adult. But sometimes, our best experts are the children themselves who are going through a unique situation that make it so only a small portion of people like them would understand.
Every once in a while, I will be putting in a special kid edition of How to Talk to Kids about Anything so that we get this “expert” “in-the-trenches” view of what it’s like to be on the other end of these conversations with insights on what kids really need, want and would ask for from us, as adults, if we would be open to it. And- we are open to it, aren’t we? So here we are with this first kids’ edition of the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast—and you’ll see why it’s so important that we ask a teen who is going through this journey to talk about her views, take-aways and tips—so the adults who find themselves in a helper role such as this, are prepared.
When people hear that one of my dearest friends suffered the loss of her 13-year-old son, Gavin, after his 16-month battle with Ewing’s Sarcoma, they often say something like; “no parent should experience the death of a child.” As a mother and a best friend, I agree. It is heart-wrenching and tragic and makes me cry in random moments as it just happened in August of this year. But there is a secondary loss that many don’t often consider to the same degree, and that is the loss of a sibling. My bestie’s amazing 15-year-old daughter, Jadyn, who I am fortunate enough to have in my life as who I refer to as my “adopted niece” and she refers to me as her Aunt, is also suffering. She is learning how to live, love and find joy in this new normal and moving forward without her brother by her side.
Studies tell us that when a sibling passes away during childhood or the teenage years, it can have a profound impact on surviving children. The development of independence, romantic relationships and even career paths can be stunted or affected, risk-taking can either be triggered or severely reined in. Acting out can take the place of excruciating sadness.
The death of a sibling has also been associated with increased diagnoses of mental disorders such as anxiety, depression and disordered eating for living brothers and sisters. So how can we, as key adults in the lives of children- teachers, coaches, parents, mentors, aunts and uncles- help and support children and teens when they’ve lost a sibling or a very close friend?
We have the privilege of speaking directly with Jadyn today on a special kid edition of the podcast—understanding that one unfortunate way you become an expert in the topic of child or teen sibling grief is to lose your brother and sister during childhood or adolescence. This is a sensitive topic- but an important one to discuss as our guest is very focused on wanting to help others who are going through a similar situation.
Jadyn is a 9th grader in the prestigious BETA program in Florida. She has been writing for years to help other teens like her. Jadyn is a high-school athlete, playing volleyball and soccer. She is known by those around her as a loving sister, daughter, and friend. She is the author of the poem, Empty Space, about her experience with grief and losing her brother.
I am so more than a little touched to have my beautiful “niece” on the show today so Welcome Jadyn to how to talk to kids about anything!
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Special guest: Katie Hurley
According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, approximately one out of five teens has a mental health disorder, diagnosable by clinical methods, and nearly one-third show symptoms of depression. Now you might be thinking- well, many teens seem depressed to me, their moods and their emotions are all over the place! Stress is overwhelming! Yes, that can be true- symptoms of depression in adolescents aren’t always easy to identify because they often appear as normal adolescent behavior. But if we keep an eye open for consistent depressed behavior and indicators like, fatigue, changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating patterns, social withdrawal, and/or anger- these can serve as early warning signs that can allow us to get help for our teens as depression is absolutely treatable but NOT fixable on its own. Teens who have depression need therapy, support at home and yes, some also need medication. There’s no quick fix and thankfully, we have Katie Hurley here to explain how we know if our child needs help, what we and our teens can do at home to assist and what exercises and tools we can use to improve mood, self-esteem and motivation.
Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of “Girls Can!” empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is the author of The Happy Kid Handbook” “No More Mean Girls,” (both subjects we have interviewed Katie on previously on How to Talk to Kids about Anything) and her new workbook, The Depression Workbook for Teens, which is the #1 new release on Amazon for Teen and Young Adult Self Esteem and Self Reliance Issues. Her work can be found in The Washington Post, PBS Parents, and US News and World Report, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women’s studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between California and Connecticut with her husband and two children.
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Special guest: Caroline Maguire
A child hangs back in gym class because he just knows he’ll be the last one picked. Another child monologues nonstop about dinosaurs on every playdate and still another talks nonstop throughout the movie even though everyone asks her to stop. They don’t get invited to birthday parties, are thought of too much or too little, & playdates often end poorly. Do you know any of these children? Every child struggles with something—and many have social challenges that, at their root, are issues with executive function and a need for social skills training. And while this may seem like just child’s play- those who know and love the children who struggle in the area of friendship know that it can be a very lonely place to be. The child often wants to have friends but isn’t picking up on social cues, the need to be flexible, and how to connect with same-age peers. They may ask, in one way or another, the heart-breaking question—Why Will No One Play With Me?
Caroline Maguire is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them. Caroline earned her ACCG (Advanced Level Certification) from the ADD Coach Academy and her PCC (Professional Certified Coach Certification) from the International Coach Federation (ICF). She also received a Master of Education from Lesley University. Her revolutionary coaching program and methodology helps teach executive function skills to children, teenagers, and young adults. She is a former coach for the Hallowell Center in Sudbury, MA. While with the Hallowell Center, Caroline was the main coach for children and teenagers. Caroline consults with schools and families internationally and has been co-leading social skills groups for over a decade. She is also the author of a NEW book called Why Will No One Play With Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends & Thrive
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Special guest: Kelli Harding, MD
We all hear medical stories of triumph and frustration—there are so many mysteries when it comes to health- why some people, who are biologically healthy, but feel ill—and some patients who are biologically ill, but feel healthy. Doctors have racked their brains for years- looking for patterns, problems, links that somehow explain why certain people get better quickly and others get sick quickly and don’t recover. And perhaps it might surprise you, as you will hear in the next interview—that how we feel is not necessarily about the dosage of medication or the brilliance of the doctor but about something simpler- something much more common and humane but something that isn’t always provided—and it comes down to the science of kindness, connection and human compassion. When we look at our children- and notice that some thrive and some continue to falter, it will be interesting to look through the lens of kindness, compassion and connection to see if this is any area that needs to be bolstered in the lives of the kids we know and love. The lives that are often stressed with go, go, go hours being shuttled from sports practices to music practice to hours of homework, where they spend a great deal of time in school where many might not feel seen and heard, where social media can make us feel more disconnected, envious and perfectionistic than ever-- How could some shifts of the heart, in the time we spend, with who we spend it with-- make the difference in the wellness of our children and ourselves? For that, we turn to Dr. Kelli Harding.
Dr. Kelli Harding is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Irving Medical Center. She is a diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, as well as boarded in the specialty of psychosomatic (mind-body) medicine. Kelli has spent much of her career in the emergency room at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, and has appeared on Today, Good Morning America, NPR, The New York Times, Medscape, Oprah.com, and US News & World Report. Kelli resides in NYC with her family. She also has a new book that just came out called The Rabbit Effect: Live Longer, Happier and Healthier with Groundbreaking Science of Kindness
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Special guest: Dawn Heubner, Ph.D
We all want our children to feel safe, secure and engaged in their lives. But when big, bad things happen in the world- from mass shootings to natural disasters to other tragedies detailed on the news and filtered through the adults at the restaurant, the neighbors on the street, the kids on the bus and friends at school- the world can feel a little less safe and secure for many of our children. How can we reserve our kids feelings of optimism, safety, security, strength and that inexplicable feeling that comes with a carefree childhood when scary things happen across the world, across the state or across the street? For this important topic, we turn a second time to past podcast guest, Dr. Dawn Huebner who you’ll remember from our discussion about worry and anxiety and how to help our kids when they worry too much—a great and helpful podcast episode that I urge you to listen to after this one.
Dr. Dawn Huebner is a Clinical Psychologist and Parent Coach specializing in the treatment of anxiety. She is the author of 9 books for children including the perennial best seller, What to Do When You Worry Too Much, and more recent, Outsmarting Worry. Dr. Huebner's newest book, coming out THIS WEEK called Something Bad Happened, provides support for children learning about big bad things happening the world. Dr. Huebner has been featured on news and information outlets including the TODAY Show, CNN, Parent's Magazine and more. She maintains a private practice in Exeter, NH.
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Special guest: Mitch Prinstein, Ph.D
Any mention of the word “popular” and many of us are transported to a time when popularity really seemed to matter. Who was on top, who was on bottom and who floated somewhere in the middle of the social hierarchy at school and among peer groups? Who was well-liked by many, who was revered by the masses and who was feared by most- you know, the kids who were popular by default because nobody really wanted to attempt to take on the views and power of that group of kids? Interestingly, popularity in our younger years, according to research, can predict how successful we are in our adulthood—but are we, as parents, supposed to help our children to become more popular, then? Actually, the definition of popularity needs to be fully understood to learn the answer to that- and the strategies and key conversations to help our children will follow. For that, we turn to our guest, Dr. Mitch Prinstein.
Mitch Prinstein, Ph.D. is a husband, a father, board certified in clinical child and adolescent psychology, and serves as the John Van Seters Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, and the Director of Clinical Psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Mitch’s Peer Relations Lab has been conducting research on popularity and peer relations for almost 20 years—and has produced over 100 scientific works, including a slew of scientific journal articles, book chapters, a set of encyclopedias on adolescent development, and even a textbook on the field of clinical psychology. Mitch is deeply committed to science and training in clinical psychology and his research have been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, National Public Radio, the Los Angeles Times, CNN, U.S. News & World Report, Time magazine, New York magazine, Newsweek, Reuters, Family Circle, Real Simple, and elsewhere. He is also the author of the book; Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World
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Special guest: Simone Davies,Let’s face it. When people hear the word; “toddler” it often conjures up thoughts of “the terrible twos,” torrential tantrums and tirades that feature the word “NO!” in big capital letters. There are frustrations about toddlers not listening, not eating fruits and vegetables, not sleeping, not listening, not allowing parents to go to go out on a date or go to the bathroom without their company. But what if I told you that by looking at life through a toddler’s eyes and using the methods developed by Dr. Montessori, you can learn the peaceful way of raising a toddler to become a curious, responsible, kind individual? That is exactly what we are going to do today with our next guest.
Simone Davies is the author of “The Montessori Toddler”, runs parent-child Montessori classes in Amsterdam at her school Jacaranda Tree Montessori, and is mother of two young adults. She also has a popular blog, “The Montessori Notebook”. Finding Montessori helped her so much when raising her own children and it’s now her passion to help other parents introduce these ideas in their homes too. She was looking to find a way to be with her kids that wasn’t about bossing them about, threatening them and bribing them. Or giving them free reign either. And she wanted them to have a positive experience of school, not just to pass tests, but to love learning.
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Special guest: Phyllis Fagell, LCPC Middle school is a time of seismic shifts—everything is changing from friendships and relationships to hormones, expectations and not to mention the physical, intellectual, moral, social and emotional growth your child is experiencing in just a short amount of time. Fundamental questions are floating around the heads of adolescents such as “who am I?” “Am I normal?” and “do I fit in?” Middle schoolers are thrust into a changing environment where adult involvement is reduced and their own skills become vital as they figure out exactly what they are going to allow to be their social and personal currency. Skills such as making good friend choices, negotiating conflict, considering other people’s perspectives, cultivating their own passions and recognizing limitations and of course, making responsible, healthy, ethical choices. Yes, there is a lot to this middle school experience that bridges the gap between childhood and teenhood—and thankfully, we don’t need to go it alone.
Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC, is the author of “Middle School Matters,” the counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., a psychotherapist at The Chrysalis Group and a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other national publications. She is also a regular columnist for the Association for Middle Level Education and Kappan magazines, and she consults and speaks throughout the country. Phyllis graduated with honors from Dartmouth College, received a master’s degree in journalism from the Medill School at Northwestern University, and earned her master’s degree in counseling from Johns Hopkins University. She tweets @pfagell and blogs at www.phyllisfagell.com
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Special guest: Catherine Weiss As parents, it is normal to have some stressful thoughts. We might be in conflict with our child and think; “he’s not listening to me,” “she’s so spoiled” or “he’s sucking the life out of me.” But what if we turned these statements on their ear to evaluate their truth but also look inward to see what the actual truth might be? We have the greatest of intentions and love our children—but it is often that we live in the moment. The moment of running from here to there, picking up, dropping off, cooking, cleaning, helping, orchestrating, planning—and getting frustrated, angry or upset when life’s little irritating moments get in our way—our children fighting with us, fighting with each other, not going along with what we deem “the flow.” And I get it—as a mother I am there with you and get this frustration deeply. Today, let’s look into self inquiry so that we can learn to prepare for the long haul rather than the fleeting moment, connection rather than disagreement and love rather than fear. I’ll be going on this journey with you as I am hanging out in the same boat, needing to learn and practice the same lessons and gain the same insights from our next guest who is ready to help us.
Catherine Weiss is the author of a radically different parenting book for mothers, currently 5-stars on Amazon, called, The Present Mother: How to Deepen Your Connection With the Present Moment, Yourself, and Your Child. The New York Times bestselling author of The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary wrote the foreword to The Present Mother and in it says, "Any parent who reads and practices the insights in this book will not only heal their own wounds from childhood, they will change things for their offspring for all generations to come." Catherine's readers call The Present Mother THE parenting book and that it takes Conscious Parenting to the next level.
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Special guest: Kari Kampakis It’s not easy to be a teenage girl. Dealing with cliques, bullying, rejection, and social media fiascos can be overwhelming and disheartening. So yes, being a parent or a key adult in the lives of teen girls can also be a challenge- how do we best advise the teen girls for whom we only want the best when we don’t always know which way is up! Our teen girls are going through so many important changes—physical, emotional, social, cognitive—they are learning what they like, who they like, who they are and who they want to be. This is big stuff. So if you had the opportunity, what would you truly want the teen girls in your life to know? What would you want them to take in about popularity, friendship, relationships, reputation and belief in themselves? As it turns out, we do have the opportunity to talk to our girls about all of these important areas of development and experience—and if we haven’t yet embarked on these discussions, we can start now. Kari Kampakis is a blogger, author, speaker, and columnist from Birmingham. Her two books for teen and tween girls, 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know and Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For, have been used widely across the country by small groups to empower girls through faith. She is also in the process of writing another book on mothers and daughters. Kari’s work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The TODAY Show along with other national outlets. She and her husband, Harry, have four daughters and a dog named Lola. Learn more by visiting kampakis.com or finding Kari on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.
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Special guest: Jessica Alexander. Denmark has been voted as having the happiest people in the world by the OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development) almost every year since 1973. That’s more than 40 years of happiness! It begs the question—is it the parenting? I mean, is there a Danish Way of parenting? It turns out, there is, and while the Danish Way of parenting is not the only reason Danes are the happiest, it does play a very important role—and the success of it all seems to be tied to the ways they educate children far beyond academics—focusing on play, empathy and social skills. It’s important to delve into it, I hope you would agree, since happy kids tend to grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids—and the seasons go ‘round and round again. And while in the United States and in other areas of the world, we are seeing an increase of anti-depressants, suicides among young people and mental health diagnoses, as well as a great deal of competition between parents and we have a lot to learn from the Danes. Best-selling Author, Journalist, Danish Parenting Expert & Cultural Researcher, Jessica Alexander’s book "The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know about Raising Confident Capable Kids" has been published in over 25 countries. Her work has been featured in TIME, The Wall Street Journal, Salon, Huffington Post, NPR, NY Times, and many more. She regularly does talks and workshops for parents, schools and organizations like Google, The Women's Network of the United Nations, The World Parenting Forum and many more. She has also worked as a spokesperson for LEGO on the Power of play.
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Special guest: Mona Delahooke, PhD. A kindergartener whose father pinches her on the arm at night- once for every time her teacher wrote the girl’s name on the behavior chart at school that day.
A three year old in foster care who was found sitting in a car by the side of the road with his mother, who was passed out at the wheel. His daycare-center teacher sends him to a time out room for challenging behaviors.
A ten year old is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. His teachers say he is chronically disruptive, always seeking attention, His problematic behaviors began after his family relocated to a new state.
My next guest says that we are too quick to look at behaviors as attempts to annoy and disrupt—rather than what they truly represent- observable responses to our internal and external experiences. And here’s the problem with that- When we fail to recognize that many behaviors represent the body’s response to stress, not intentional misbehavior, we expend effort on techniques designed to help children logically connect their thoughts, emotions and behaviors and change them—when they simply can’t yet. Instead, we need to see the behavior that is problematic and confusing and NOT ask ourselves how do we get rid of it? But rather, what is this telling us about the child? The answer will then guide us to coming up with the best approach to help that individual child thrive.
Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is a clinical child psychologist with a passion for supporting families and children. She has worked widely with multidisciplinary teams in the areas of trauma, developmental and emotional differences for 25 years. She is a senior faculty member of the Profectum Foundation and is a trainer and consultant to schools and agencies including the Los Angeles Department of Mental Health. Her blog, The Visible Parent, and book, Social & Emotional Development in Early Intervention (2017) explore the latest translational applications of neuroscience to social and emotional development. She is also the author of Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.
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Special guest: Alfie Kohn.
Many parenting books offer countless tips for dealing with kids when they misbehave in the eyes of their parents—refusing to go to bed, rejecting the vegetables they’ve been told to eat, talking back, yelling in the restaurant, badgering their sibling or resisting doing the tasks it takes to get to school on time. But the way parents cope with these challenging behaviors might be backfiring even if they work in the short term. My next guest asks many thought-provoking questions in his book, Unconditional Parenting- but two seem to be at the forefront. First; “What are your long-term objectives for your children?” and second, given those long term goals, which are likely for your child to be some version of a kind, independent, confident, competent, happy and fulfilled person—are the ways in which you are parenting lending themselves to creating that type of person IN the long run—or not? It’s time to take a hard look at some of the parenting practices that have become so common that they are accepted as the acceptable norm- time outs, positive re-enforcement, consequences, withdrawal of attention, punishment—and start taking a hard look at UNCONDITIONAL parenting- a parenting philosophy and practice in which parental love and attention is not in a push-pull relationship with how our children behave. On top of that, UNCONDITIONAL parenting puts to rest the notion that children are trying to make trouble—and instead, assumesthe best of the child and looks at the child as a whole person not a compilation of good and bad behaviors.Alfie Kohn is the author of 14 books on education, parenting, and human behavior, including PUNISHED BY REWARDS (1993), THE SCHOOLS OUR CHILDREN DESERVE (1999), UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING (2005), THE HOMEWORK MYTH (2006), and THE MYTH OF THE SPOILED CHILD (2014). He has appeared twice on “Oprah,” as well as on “The Today Show” and many other TV and radio programs. His articles include: “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’”, “How Not to Teach Values,” and “Atrocious Advice from ‘Supernanny.’ ” Kohn works with educators and parents across the country and speaks regularly at national conferences. He lives (actually) in the Boston area and (virtually) at www.alfiekohn.org.
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Special guest: Cindy Goldrich.
Cindy Goldrich is a mental health counselor, certified ADHD Clinical Service Provider, and teacher trainer. As an ADHD Specialist, She supports parents, educators and other professionals to address the impact of ADHD & Executive Functioning on learning, motivation, and behavior.
She is a recognized Keynote speaker and provides Professional Development for school districts and other professional organizations worldwide addressing how ADHD and executive function challenges affect children and how to help boost behavior and performance in school and at home.
Cindy is the author of 8 Keys for Parenting Children with ADHD, a book recognized for providing parents, educators, and therapists with a practical, easy-to-read guide for addressing challenging kids and ADHD, Executive Function, and Behavior in the Classroom (expected printing Aug. 2019). Cindy is the creator of the workshop series “Calm and Connected: Parenting Children with ADHD©” designed to teach parents and caregivers how to manage and support their children's unique needs successfully.
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Special guest: Michael Reichert, PhD. We’ve talked quite a bit about girls on this show—and how many things are changing for girls due to the momentum of the women’s movement. But what about the boys? How do you raise boys to become great men? How do we raise boys to feel connected to himself and feel connected to others? For many of our sons, while the world of girls seems to be expanding, the world of boys seems often to be contracting—restricting who boys can be in society’s where masculinity and all its attributes, fits in one tightly guarded box—the man box. Our next guest feels that this is a loss- it’s a loss for us and it’s a loss for the boys. He asks; what can be done to ameliorate the loses of boyhood? How can we protect the boys in our care from threats built into boyhood? How can we ensure that our sons are well prepared for and well launched to manhood? The answer has to do with connection—something that our boys are losing—and at an early age. And our guest feels that we have an opportunity, right now, to change things around and help boys do boyhood right.
Michael Reichert writes, in his new book, “How to Raise a Boy” that boys are really in need of something that seems to counter the toughness and the independence touted by the man box—and that is “a relationship in which a boy can tell that he matters … A young man’s self confidence is not accidental or serendipitous but derives from experiences of being accurately understood, loved, and supported.”
Michael Reichert is an applied and research psychologist who has immersed himself in clinical, research, and consultation experiences that have afforded a deep understanding of the conditions that allow a child to flourish in natural contexts: families, schools and communities. He has created and run programs in both inner city communities and in some of the most affluent suburban communities in the world. He founded and continues to lead The Center for the Study of Boys’ and Girls’ Lives a research collaborative at the University of Pennsylvania and has conducted a series of global studies on effective practices in boys’ education. Since 1984, Dr. Reichert has maintained a clinical practice outside Philadelphia, PA., specializing in work with boys, men and their families and continues to serve as the supervising psychologist at a nearby boys’ school. He has published numerous articles and several books, including Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Lessons About What Works—and Why, I Can Learn From You: Boys as Relational Learners, and the just-released How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men.
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Special guest: Seth Perler. What is executive functioning and what does it have to do with our children’s success in school and life? My next guest explains that Executive Function is what it takes to get stuff done (such as homework, writing a paper or cleaning a room, etc.). In other words, it’s the ability to “execute” complex tasks and see that those tasks go all the way through to completion. Some kids have a knack for organizational tasks, scheduling and pacing themselves—while others struggle. If your child struggles with school-related tasks like homework, staying focused on a project until it’s completed, organizational skills, time management—or perhaps become avoidant, resistant, forgetful or overwhelmed when it comes to getting school-related tasks completed-- they probably struggle with Executive Function. So, what can we do? How can we help our kids who struggle in this area? And what do we want to avoid doing, so we don’t make things worse? My next guest has these answers and more.
Seth Perler helps students who struggle with school, homework, grades, resistance, overwhelm, motivation, underachievement, organization, focus, study skills and time management.
He helps complicated, misunderstood, outside-the-box, neurodiverse learners turn it around in a baffling system so they can launch a successful future. His blog, sethperler.com, gives game-changing answers in a sea of misguided educational fluff.
Traditional academic interventions don't often get to the root of a child's problems and they're often based on misinformation or outdated paradigms. Consequently, your child's patterns get worse each year, leading to pervasive difficulties transitioning into adulthood.
Parents often feel helpless, watching their child drown in school, as they spin their wheels trying to help. Parents are desperate for tools that are 1) practical, and 2) that account for a child's unique needs. It's all about Executive Function, which is Seth’s specialty.
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Special guest: Dr. William Stixrud. Are we raising an anxious generation? Many would agree that we are. The causes of the uptick in anxiety among children has started to be discussed—even within our podcast- we have talked with Jessica Lahey and our obsession with grades and our focus on avoiding failure at all costs. We have talked with Julie Lythcott Haims about the bubble-wrapping of our children that leaves them unprepared for a life that we deliver them to at the age of 18—a life in which they don’t have the skills, yes, but also where they don’t have the resilience or the confidence to take it on. In The Self-Driven Child, authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson continue this conversation—focusing specifically on the ways that children today are being denied a sense of controlling their own lives—doing what they find meaningful, and succeeding or failing on their own, and on their own terms. While screen time and technology certainly are part of the problem, the real issues lie with us—the parents and the teachers—who have their hearts in the right place but are nevertheless, taking the opportunities away from children that would allow them to grow stronger, more confident, more autonomous, more competent-- and more themselves.
William R. Stixrud, Ph.D., is a clinical neuropsychologist, frequent lecturer, presenter, author and founder of The Stixrud Group. He is a member of the teaching faculty at Children’s National Medical Center and an assistant professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the George Washington University School of Medicine. Additionally, Dr. Stixrud is the author, with Ned Johnson, of the nationally bestselling book, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. You will also see him featured for his expertise in publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Times of London, The Wall Street Journal, U.S. News and World Report, Time Magazine, Scientific American, Business Week, Barron’s, and, New York Magazine. And—fun fact- Dr. Stixrud also happens to be a musician who plays in a band!
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Special guest: Dr. Julie Kinn.Military families face many unique challenges- from long family separations and shifted responsibilities in the household to frequent moving, injuries and sadly, sometimes, grief and loss. That means that being a child in a military family means a great deal of adjustment to frequent change as well as a host of undulating emotions that come from deployment, reunions, the unknowns and the new normal. How do we talk to military kids about the unique challenges that they face? And how do we answer the questions from kids who are not military families about how to support and understand their military friends who may not always be on sure footing. Dr. Julie Kinn is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience researching and implementing health technology. At the Department of Defense and the Defense Health Agency, Kinn oversees the development and implementation of health technology for the military and veteran communities. She also initiated the Military Health Podcast program and produces/hosts three Department of defense OD podcasts: "A Better Night's Sleep", "The Military Meditation Coach", and "Next Generation Behavioral Health". Dr. Kinn, through the Department Of Defense, is responsible for two mobile apps with Sesame Street-- Sesame Street's Big Moving Adventure and Breathe, Think, Do. Big Moving Adventure was made to help kids cope with moving in the general sense, but was made specifically to help the children of military families who have to move constantly. Dr. Kinn's overall mission is to promote behavioral health for veterans and their families which includes promoting behavioral health in their communities as well.
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Special guests: Joanna Faber & Julie King. What do you do with a little kid who won’t brush his teeth? Screams in his car seat? Pinches the baby? Refuses to eat her vegetables? Throws books at the library and runs rampant in the restaurant? We’ve all been there. How many of us have seen the parent with the child at the supermarket who is throwing one big tantrum in the cereal aisle because s/he won’t buy the super sugar rainbowloops that he had to-- HAD TO-- have? How many of us have BEEN that parent with that child? No judgment- we are here to discuss it and get some strategies and scripts to all parents who have ever had some trouble with their young kids.
Many of you who are hungry for parenting and teaching knowledge probably know the blockbuster best-selling book, How to Listen So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It’s a staple on my shelf. Well, Adele Faber has a daughter, Joanna Faber who not only grew up being the recipient of all the strategies Faber and Mazlish described in their mega-bestseller, but also wrote a follow up book with her childhood best friend, Julie King that takes a similar structure, using common challenges of young children and provides tool after tool to help anyone with children ages 2-7.
Joanna Faber and Julie King are the authors of How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (Scribner 2017). The book has been ranked #1 as a best-seller on Amazon, and is being translated into 17 languages world-wide. Joanna and Julie created the soon-to-be-released app Pocket Parent, a companion to their book, as well as the app Parenting Hero. Joanna and Julie lead workshops online and in person, consult privately and give lectures in the U.S. and internationally. Visit them at HowToTalkSoLittleKidsWillListen.com or on Facebook.
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Special guest: Diana Graber. Snapchat, Instagram, Fortnite, cyberbullying, sexting, and technology addiction are some of the digital concerns that keep today’s parents up at night. Some of the statistics being quoted are scary: Common Sense Media reported that 50 percent of teens feel “addicted” to their phones. The Pew Research Center reported just last year that 59 percent of U.S teens have been bullied or harassed online. Guard Child reported that 39 percent of teens have sent or posted sexually suggestive messages (sexting). Stanford University researchers tell us that a whopping 80 percent of students can’t differentiate between real and “fake” news. And the World Health Organization told us in 2017 that Technology is making children dangerously unhealthy. YIKES. These are not small-scale studies with questionable results. My next guest has been unpacking this research and working to understand how digital innovations have radically altered childhood and left us largely unprepared as parents for how to deal with the influx of technology and the fallout from these devices. She is also capturing the upside of these digital innovations that, yes, if used correctly, can enrich our children’s lives—and regardless, this IS the world we live in- we can not shut our eyes turn off all screens and say “that’s it!” without shutting out the digital world in which we must learn to survive and thrive. So what can we do?
Diana Graber, a digital literacy educator and advocate, was honored with the National Association for Media Literacy Education’s 2017 Media Literacy Teacher Award. She is the cofounder of Cyberwise, a leading online safety and digital literacy organization, and the founder and creator of Cyber Civics, the popular and innovative middle school digital citizenship and literacy program currently being taught in more than 40 US states, the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Africa. Graber lives with her family in Southern California. Diana is also the author of Raising Humans in a Digital World, published in January of this year.
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Special guest: Vicki Hoefle.
Ask an audience of parents to shout out the most annoying behaviors their children exhibit that they desperately want to get rid of—there won’t be lack of answers. From fighting and hitting to getting up from the table, getting out of bed, making a mess, whining and talking back—parents have a bunch of challenges they are trying to solve to make their family homes more peaceful, their mornings or evening routines easier and their kids more cooperative or responsible. But what if I told you that the strategies we often employ to deal with these frustrating behaviors was, well, wrong? From nagging to judging, correcting, time-outs, reminding, lecturing and saving—our strategies might just be mere bandaids –or the very things that are making the behaviors worse? And what if there were actually strategies—governed by a key parenting philosophy-- that could make it better—and help our kids to become confident, competence, responsible members of society? What in the world could make this magical philosophy work so well? You might be surprised by the answer—it’s Duct tape.
Vicki Hoefle is a popular parent educator, speaker and author of Duct Tape Parenting: A Less Is More Approach to Raising Respectful, Responsible, and Resilient Kids and The Straight Talk on Parenting: A No Nonsense Approach on How to Grow a Grownup. She has Helped thousands of families for over two decades by sharing her parenting tips and techniques across the country. She combines expertise in Adlerian Psychology with a suite of actionable, time-tested tools. A master story teller who is part comedian, part sage, mostly parent, Vicki offers ways to strengthen and enhance the parent-child relationship and bring out the best in each parent, the best in each child, and the best in each encounter. Vicki Hoefle leads parent education programs nationwide. Vicki’s parenting philosophy and approach to raising “thinking” children, does not include “getting children” to comply or using so-called “discipline” strategies (which include nagging, reminding, lecturing, bribing, counting, and time-outing) for dealing with pesky behaviors. Her strategies work for every family—and we couldn’t be more excited to talk about them today.
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Special guest: Dr. Dan Reidenberg.
Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 to 24-year-old Americans, according to the CDC. These are the statistics—but when it comes to suicide and talking to kids, the statistics don’t give us the words, the feelings, the loss, the answers. In fact, Everytime there is a suicide in our communities, in our schools, in our families, and in the lives of our children- it usually leaves us with more questions than answers. How do we talk to kids about this extremely difficult topic?
Dr. Dan Reidenberg is the Executive Director of Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, SAVE, Managing Director of the National Council for Suicide Prevention and is on the Executive Board of the International Association for Suicide Prevention. He is Co-Chair of the International Media and Suicide Task Force—and serves on the numerous national and international advisory boards. He has speaks about suicide and suicide prevention internationally and has written many articles and book chapters about it as well. Dr. Reidenberg has been interviewed by major media sources from around the world including CNN, Larry King, Good Morning America, the New York Times and Washington Post and has helped develop the US National Strategy for Suicide Prevention and the National Research Agenda (US). He has received numerous awards for his work including the Service to Humanity Award, Service to Suicidology Award, and as a Champion of Change by The Obama Administration.
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Special guest: Katherine Reynolds Lewis.
There is a new and surprising problem that has quietly but perhaps not unnotably come to fruition during more recent years—our children are out of control in comparison to previous generations. It’s not your imagination. A recent study of first-graders found that they could sit still for no more than three minutes—which is actually only a quarter of the time that their peers could in 1948. Government statistics show that half of all children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age 18. What the heck is going on? I receive questions through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and email all asking about what parents, teachers and coaches can do to get children to behave better. The old methods of rewards and punishments—star charts and time outs are not working. Are your ears perking up? We’ve all seen it and you are not alone.
My next guest has some good news about bad behavior—and some great tips and scripts to help us better understand our children and how to help our children learn to self-regulate.
Katherine Reynolds Lewis is an award-winning journalist and author of The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever – And What to Do About It. Her work has appeared in the Atlantic, Fortune, Money, Mother Jones, The New York Times, Parade, Slate, USA Today’s magazine group, the Washington Post Magazine and Working Mother. She’s an EWA Education Reporting Fellow and Logan Nonfiction Fellow at the Carey Institute for Global Good. Residencies include the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts and Ragdale. Previously, Katherine was a national correspondent for Newhouse and Bloomberg News, covering everything from financial and media policy to the White House. She holds a BA in physics from Harvard University and is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md. She and her husband Brian are the proud parents of three children, 25, 14 and 12 years old.
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Special guest: Jodi Bondi Norgaard.
How do we keep going, hammering away at our dreams, when we find ourselves faced with disappointment, frustration, failure and a big fat NO from those who can help make these dreams happen? It comes down to perseverance. Persistence. Determination and grit. We keep on going because there is a fire in us that tells us we must try yet another time. How does this play out in real life? Just recently, one of my very best friends posted a video of her daughter playing a song on the piano. A year ago, she had committed to learning “Piano Man” by Billy Joel—a very challenging goal for the then, 9-year-old. But she was adamant about doing it—and she persevered. She hit bumps in the road, valleys on tough days, fumbling fingers and wrong notes. But she kept going. Today, she debuted the song—and it was delightful. A full year of dedication to a goal from a child—that’s a huge part of her life. But she will always know that when she sticks to something—when she sets a goal and perseveres—she can make what seems monumentally challenging—an achieved reality.
Today we are going to talk to someone who also made her goal a reality despite facing frustration, failure and disapproval. She, too, persevered—and so we will devote today’s special podcast to how she reached down deep to keep going and what words of advice she has for our children who must learn to do this too, in their own way. How do we help kids find their passion? And how do we help them go after it when they find it—despite the fact that success doesn’t happen in a straight line?
Jodi Bondi Norgaard is the creator of the award-winning Go! Go! Sports Girls line of dolls and books for girls encouraging healthy and active play over fashion and body image. Jodi is a consultant, activist, and keynote speaker, inspiring and empowering women and girls throughout the world.
She has been featured on national media including The Today Show, Forbes, and Upworthy. In 2016, Jodi was invited by the Obama-era White House to participate in conferences on breaking down gender stereotypes in media and toys. The Go! Go! Sports Girls brand was recently acquired by Jazz-wears (Jazwares), an established cutting-edge toy company.
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Special guest: Dr. Jane Nelsen.
Children are always learning- and yes, they also make a lot of mistakes. Whether they are fighting with their siblings, tantruming about bedtime, missing the bus, forgetting their homework or talking back to you, it seems like there is a constant need for correction, apologies and do-overs. At the same time, there are all kinds of parents and teachers out there who witness such mistakes—from people who watch children act out or mess up and punish them or deliver punitive consequences immediately—to those who are incredibly permissive—who see children do something undesired and simply turn the other cheek and say; “kids will be kids.” Many parents and educators fall somewhere in between or vacillate between the two extremes of punitive and permissive.
Of course, most parents and teachers are just trying to figure out how to raise children who are kind, responsible, cooperative and self-disciplined. But what if I told you that there are many parenting and teaching skills that we can talk about right now that are non-punitive and not permissive—but would help children learn self-discipline, responsibility, and problem-solving skills—helping them to grow up into adults who can use these skills throughout their lives? Whether you are trying to get the kids to school on time, get everyone to agree on a movie for movie night or get from place to place without someone yelling or kicking or needling someone else in the car, we all deal with power struggles and frustration. Today, we’ve got positive discipline expert, Jane Nelsen on the show—and she’s going to help us learn how to be both kind and firm, connect with our children, give them a sense of belonging and significance—while helping them choose right from wrong.
Dr. Jane Nelsen is the mother of 7, grandmother of 22, and great grandmother of 13. She is also the author and co-author of many best-selling Positive Discipline books including Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation and Problem-Solving Skills and Positive Discipline Parenting Tools. An internationally known speaker and parenting expert, Jane is a California licensed marriage, family and child therapist, and received her doctorate in Educational Psychology from the University of San Francisco.
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Special guest: Jenifer Joy Madden.
According to Forbes magazine, the most sought-after attributes in an employee are not technical. All are human-centered, including the ability to work in a team, make decisions, and prioritize. But authors and experts have found a sad shift regardless- During a lecture at Rochester Institute for Technology, Allen Chochinov urged design students not to eliminate human input. He admitted: “Today, if you want to know what’s wrong with a car engine, you can’t even open it. You need to plug in a computer. High schools are dropping shop class. Soon, no one will know how to do anything.” Is he onto something? What do we lose when we gain so much technology?
My next guest says; “In this age when Google, GPS, and artificial intelligence can perform so many of our basic functions, it’s gotten to the point where we need to be actively human so that we are more effective and less overwhelmed.” We have so many tools to simplify our lives- they think for us, navigate for us, create for us, entertain for us but it often seems that these tools that are meant to simplify, leave us busier, crazier, and more “all over the place” than ever. I don’t know about you but I often feel like I’m being shot out of a cannon—running from place to place without a slow-down in sight. Now we’ve talked about technology with Sue Scheff and Devorah Heitner and some other wonderful guests- and we’ve talked about mindfulness not too long ago with crowd-favorite Dr. Laura Markham- but we’ve got to really delve into what’s going to help us thrive and survive in a digital world without losing ourselves and losing our children to screens and technology- and I don’t mean just the time spent on these devices and plugged in- but what we might be losing in terms of creativity, curiosity, empathy, compassion, health and memory—how can we exist in this digital world, maintain what makes us beautifully human, and become, what my next guest calls “durable.”
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School shootings, traumatic weather events, local fires and acts of terror-- When the world is struck with a catastrophic event, it is natural to want to shield our children from the effects of it. We want to keep their innocence in tact- allowing them to grow up carefree and unfettered—feeling safe and calm wherever they go. We might wonder, if we just don’t talk about it- could our children remain in their happy little bubble for the time being?
The problem is—we live in a world where children receive messages about traumatic events from many different avenues- it’s not just the news that we can easily turn off—or even the 24/7 access to the internet that provides a play by play as negative stories develop. It’s also that different families have different rules about such access- with multiple kids of various ages in their homes who are permitted to have more access- so that might mean you send your blithely innocent child to school, ignorant of the scary events that might have occurred, only to have them bombarded with the news from a more informed (perhaps not accurately so) child on the bus—or from a group of kids in class.
Knowing that something has happened but not having anyone to explain it in age-appropriate terms and how it relates to our specific children can be frightening to anyone. We all need context, assurance and our own concerns addressed by someone we trust—our kids actually need information to feel safe and-- as a parent or educator who knows the child, you are the perfect person to have this conversation with them. I’ve talked about this on national TV shows and in written press but I thought it was important to talk about it on my podcast—especially through the lens of anxiety as many kids have trouble dealing with such large-scale events.
My next guest tells us that since you know your child best, “it’s important to manage the conversation (Or, shall we say, tailor it) based on who they are, what they already know, and what it means for them.”
Karen Young has been on our podcast before- talking about anxiety. In fact, her podcast episode is in the top 5 most downloaded episodes of How to Talk to Kids about Anything, of all time. She is back today to discuss with me how we can talk to kids about traumatic world events. Karen has worked as a psychologist in private practice and in educational settings. She founded the popular website, Hey Sigmund, which attracts millions of readers each year. Karen is a sought-after speaker, both at home in Australia and internationally. She is the author of ‘Hey Warrior’, a book for kids to help them understand anxiety and find their ‘brave’. The book has now been translated into a number of languages.
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Why do children play sports? According to a study by researchers at Notre Dame’s Center for Ethical Education, it’s to (#1) have fun, then—do something that are good at, improve skills, get exercise, be part of a team and enjoy the excitement of competition. But looking out at many sports fields or at many athletic events- sometimes, if we are being truthful, it looks like we are missing the mark. There are coaches screaming and parents gritting their teeth, fans yelling at referees and teammates shunning other teammates over missed goals or botched moves. What happened to the carefree freedom and fun that sports and athletic engagement once gave us? It’s no wonder so many kids drop out of sports by the age of 13. And if we are really to ask ourselves how we can develop strong athletes who thrive at peak performance- do we really think this is the way? My next guest has some other ideas that can really help us.
John O’Sullivan started the Changing the Game Project in 2012 after two decades as a soccer player- collegiate and professional- and a coach on the youth, high school, college and professional level. He is the author of the #1 bestselling books Changing the Game: The Parents Guide to Raising Happy, High Performing Athletes, Giving Youth Sports Back to our Kids and Is it Wise to Specialize? John’s work has been featured in The Huffington Post, CNN.com, Outside Magazine, ESPN.com, Soccer America and numerous other publications. John is an internationally known speaker for coaches, parents and youth sports organizations, and has spoken for TEDx, the National Soccer Coaches Association of America, US Lacrosse, IMG Academy, and at numerous other events throughout the US, Canada, Asia and Europe. He has a popular podcast for coaches called Way of the Champions and has even consulted with the US Olympic Committee.
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Many children grow up with no clue about how money works—what it means to save for something they want, how to spend wisely, how work can translate into money and why we must give to others in need as part of our life’s journey. Somehow, in our busy lives, discussions about money get pushed off until later. But of you think about it, when kids don’t know how money works when they are younger and under your roof, it can set them up for some big money mistakes when they are away at college or off on their own. So “money talks” are some important discussions we all need to have with our kids.
My next guest knows more than a thing or two about these money talks as she’s been having these conversations as long as she can remember with her own parents—that’s just part of growing up Ramsey.
As a #1 New York Times best-selling author, host of The Rachel Cruze Show, and The Rachel Cruze Show podcast, Rachel helps people learn the proper ways to handle money and stay out of debt. She’s authored three best-selling books, including Love Your Life, Not Theirs and Smart Money Smart Kids, which she co-wrote with her father, Dave Ramsey. You can follow Rachel on Twitter and Instagram with the handle @RachelCruze and online at rachelcruze.com, youtube.com/rachelcruze or facebook.com/rachelramseycruze.
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We have all seen the spikes in anxiety and stress in our young people these days. There is an unbelievable amount of pressure to succeed, to look perfect, to be liked and to do it all. There are pressures at home, in school, within relationships and it feels heavy and constant. Now, though anxiety has risen among young people overall, studies confirm that it has skyrocketed in girls. What in the world is going on here? And what can we do about it? For the answers to these questions, we are turning to best-selling author, Dr. Lisa Damour.
Lisa Damour writes the monthly adolescence column for the New York Times, serves as a regular contributor to CBS News, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, and is a Senior Advisor to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University. Dr. Damour is the author of numerous academic papers, chapters, and books related to parenting and child development including her 2016 New York Times best seller, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and now, Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, comes out TODAY- lucky us- so welcome Dr. Lisa Damour
to how to talk to kids about anything!
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Ahhh, middle school. The crazy, time of ultimate change between elementary school and high school. Just thinking about it brings up so many memories— not all great, of course, as middle school changes can be confusing and strange as we try to figure out the social scene while trying to understand ourselves. Our brains are growing, our bodies are developing and we are trying to answer questions like “who am I?” What do I like? Is it ok for me to like this while my friends like that? “Do I fit in?” and so much more. And while all of this is happening- we also have to turn our attention to the parents and educators who are not only watching this happen but uniquely involved riding the lines between guiding and letting go, dependence and independence. How, as parents and educators, do we help our middle schoolers navigate these school years that can be filled with angst and bewilderment with humor, grace, success and maybe even a little bit of fun thrown in there?
To answer these questions and more we have Michelle Icard on the show today.
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Are you a recovering awkward person? My next guest states she is—although you’d never know it given her amazing insights and understanding of what she has branded, The Science of People. As we know from being a child and certainly a preteen or teenager, we all feel awkward from time to time. Maybe some of us more than others. My own palms get sweaty just thinking about walking into school on the first day of school, after a fight with a friend- or worse, a break up. Blargh. And what about when walking into a party or school event when you aren’t sure who will be there—or when you do and the people who are there aren’t exactly the people you jive with. Do people even say “jive” anymore? Anyway, what if we could tap into the science of people so that we can give the kids and teens in our lives some hacks that allow them to be successful in social situations? And what if some of these hacks could help us connect better and have better conversations with our kids? That would be pretty great, wouldn’t it?
Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People—a human behavior research lab. She is the national bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People which was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of the year. Her work has been featured on CNN, NPR and Fast Company. She writes a monthly column on the science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. She even has a successful Ted Talk which is awesome. She speaks worldwide and I couldn’t be more thrilled to have her stop by our show today.
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Many conversations we discuss on this show hold incredible importance and relevance to our lives—but talk of drugs and alcohol abuse—certainly when we hear stories of addiction and overdose often, can grip many parents and educators. Some have seen the fallout from drugs and alcohol abuse first hand—others see how it’s played out in the movies from Sandra Bullock in 28 Days to Meg Ryan in When a Man Loves a Women, Leonardo Decaprio in Basketball Diaries to the newly released Ben is Back with Julia Roberts. So how do we start these vital conversations with our kids about drugs and alcohol so they can have the information they need to make safe and informed choices in real life situations? Do we really need to start these conversations early and how often do we need to talk about it? How can the drugs and alcohol conversation collide head on with the sex conversation? And finally, how can dads get uniquely involved in this conversation? I’m going to speak with Jeremy Schneider today and together, we’ll give you the information you need to start to talk to your kids about drugs and alcohol.
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Life gets crazy and parenting can be stressful. Many parents anticipate the stress and experience stress throughout the day—whether it’s morning time and getting the kids off to school, or after-school time when homework must be completed—shuttling multiple children to practices and activities, getting a healthy dinner on the table while dealing with sibling arguments—or dealing with bedtime shenanigans. And let’s not forget friendship issues, electronics battles, getting your kids to clean up after themselves—or life issues like divorce, illness, bullying, work stress and whatever else is your personal bugaboo. Yes- life can be stressful, parenting can stressful—and we focus so much on how we can help our kids, talk to our kids, be there for our kids—but what about us? What about the parents? How do we cope with our stress and what might help us to take a collective breath, allow some of the frustration to fall away and become more mindful so that we can better help ourselves as well as those we love?
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. We interviewed her on both of these books as well as on her wonderful workbook called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook—a great resource for parents. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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In the wake of the very public emergence of the #MeToo, #TimesUp and #girlstoo movements, the latter that we discussed with our Girls Inc Team, Lara Kaufmann and Dr. Christina Spears, a few weeks back-- women and girls have encouraged to find their voice, claim their power, come out of the shadows and not back down. But with a history of messages that tell women and girls that they need to be perfect, they shouldn’t break the rules, they should be quiet and look pretty, take a backseat and downplay their own success to avoid making others feel uncomfortable or be seen as “full of herself,” it’s a challenge for many to reinvent what it means to be a woman in 2019. It takes mental strength. We must build mental muscle and get out of our own way if we are going to change along with these important empowerment movements. How does mental strength in women make a difference? What areas, specifically, should we work on? And how does embracing and practicing mental strength as women translate to encouraging mental strength in the girls we love, teach and guide? For these questions and more, we will be interviewing the fabulous Amy Morin, for the 3rd time in the history of the show.
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Peter Shankman is a spectacular example of what happens when you find the best traits of ADHD and work really hard to make them benefit you. Diagnosed at seven years old with “sit down, you’re disrupting the class” disease, Peter wasn’t formally diagnosed with ADHD until his mid-30s. By that time, however, he’d started and sold two companies, and realized that all the differences that formerly labeled him as a troublemaker were actually his greatest assets. After Peter sold his third company, (Help a Reporter Out,) he decided to focus on really understanding this “faster brain” of his, and learning exactly what it could do. From that, the Faster Than Normal podcast and bestselling book were born.
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In her 2016 Ted Talk, Julie Lythcott-Haims started off by saying, “there’s a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into themselves. There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parenting feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers….our kids end up leading a kind of check-listed childhood, she goes on to say, such that, she warns that once they end up at the end of high school they are breathless—of course—they have spent so much time having been obsessed with grades and activities—becoming what they are supposed to be rather than exploring who they may want to become. What interests them. And knowing, with their own brains and experimenting with their own grit and their own skills—to develop into a self-sufficient, resilient adult. So it begs the question—what can we do to break free from the overparenting trap that says we must be on our children every minute prodding and directing, being our child’s concierge, as Julie Lythcott-Haims labels, and instead, preparing our children to become successful adults who can stand on their own two feet.
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As we discuss conversations on this podcast— key conversations we must have with our children about tough topics— sex, death, divorce, porn, failure, ADHD, bullying— discussions where emotions can run high, agendas can cloud openness and listening and true presence— fear can make us shy away from saying what truly needs to be said, or heard or understood. What if there was a step that we needed to take before we had these all important conversations— a step that acknowledged the importance of dignity for each person— to hold another person’s dignity as precious and valuable while also knowing that our own would be kept in tact as well. How might that affect these key conversations we have with our partners, with our children, with teachers, instructors, coaches— people who touch our lives and help to shape how they evolve. And what if we focused on dignity as a fundamental part of raising our children to become leaders— showing and discussing how we can lead with dignity and create a culture that brings out the best in people? For these questions and more, we turn to our distinguished guest, Dr. Donna Hicks.
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There is no question- there has been a marked increase in children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, Tourette Syndrome, and other neurological disorders. We have also heard of increases in food sensitivities, social problems, screen usage and medication use and a decrease in getting out into nature, going out for recess and unstructured play. Are these things connected? And if so, what can we do about it all? To answer these questions and more, we are turning to Dr. Robert Melillo.
Dr. Robert Melillo is a world-renowned chiropractic neurologist, professor and researcher in child neurological disorders, and creator of the Brain Balance Program. Since 1994, his program has helped thousands of children with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, dyslexia, Tourette Syndrome, and other disorders. His Brain Balance Achievement Centers are located throughout the United States. He is the author of Disconnected Kids, Disconnected Kids, Reconnected Families, Reconnected Kids and more. You can learn more about Dr. Melillo and his work at DrRobertMelillo.com
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Perhaps you’ve made the mistake of cutting your child’s sandwich into triangles instead of squares. Or you’ve dealt with siblings that won’t stop fighting, a child who refuses to get out of bed or cries when you try to leave the house. And perhaps your child’s struggles, tantrums, refusals, frustrations have gotten a little bit under your skin and made you hot under the collar— and while you tell yourself to be patient and loving, you start yelling, threatening, bribing or caving under the pressure. We get it. SO many parents feel helpless, desperate and frustrated when their kids just won’t cooperate or seem so unreasonable and you are just trying to get out of the house, get them to bed or get dinner on the table. My guests today will give us what to do and say in these moments using their ALP system that they’ve taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice over the years.
Heather Turgeon MFT and Julie Wright MFT are the authors of the new book Now Say This: The right words to solve every parenting dilemma (Penguin RandomHouse), as well as the popular sleep book, The Happy Sleeper. Based in NYC and Los Angeles, they frequently speak and offer consultations to families on communication, setting limits with empathy, sleep, and more. Follow them on Instagram and Facebook @TheHappySleeper
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Author Bonnie J Rough lived in Holland for 18 months and found that the Dutch clearly knew something different about how to raise happy, healthy children who were comfortable with their own bodies and with each other. Their carefree attitudes about nudity and how they explain sex to kids is something we should probably adopt given that, compared to the US, Holland boasts lower rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases as well as high gender equality, lower numbers of partners and more positive experiences with sex over all. Yes, we’ve got a lot to learn here.
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Parents have struggled with how to manage their time for generations. There is so much to do— so much to balance! In the age of extracurriculars— from travel baseball, soccer, gymnastics, piano, to tutoring classes, art and enrichment, the question of how to fit everything in, complete the car pool, get dinner on the table, help with homework, get to the store, get some work done, give your kids undivided attention—and still take care of yourself—seems nearly impossible. How do we do this? DO we do all of this? To hold our hands and help us all shift from having it all to getting it right in the moment— is best-selling author, Julie Morgenstern.
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In 2006, Tarana Burke coined the phrase "Me Too" as a way to help women who had survived sexual violence feel like they were not alone. A year ago this week, actress Alyssa Milano reignited “me too” with a tweet that stated "If you've been sexually harassed or assaulted write 'me too' as a reply to this tweet.” This was in the wake of accusations against movie mogul Harvey Weinstein and other powerful men in Hollywood. Since then, “me too” has become a movement among women who have been sexually harassed. Since then, a great deal of reports have come out and “metoo” has gained great traction among adults. But what about our teens? How are they experiencing sexual harassment and violence? Believe or not, 7 out of 10 girls experience sexual harassment and alarmingly, 1 in 4 girls will experience sexual assault or abuse before she turns 18. A recently released survey of young girls reveals that 3 out of 4 girls between the ages of 14 and 19 feel unsafe at least once in a while. At the root of this problem are limiting and harmful messages about how girls and boys should behave and be treated—messages that shape these impressionable minds and stick with them as they enter adulthood. As a response, and in honor of the 1 year anniversary of the week, Girls Inc, a nonprofit organization that inspires all girls to be strong, smart and bold through direct service and advocacy, along with its amazing network of girls and partners, are launching the #girlstoo campaign. This campaign will focus on sexual harassment and assault in the lives of youth, particularly girls, with actions aimed at addressing the norms and stereotypes that fuel these behaviors. To discuss how we talk about sexual harassment, assault and violence—and what we can all do ensure that our young people are educated, safe, respected and valued, we have Lara Kaufmann and Dr. Christia Spears Brown on the show today.
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This podcast will focus on how white kids are being educated about race and racism in America. While we know from research that black families teach their children about social inequalities, race and racism from an early age, what are white families doing? Are families and communities a place where white kids learn to become racist or a space where they learn to be antiracist or race-conscious? Do white kids learn, within the family paradigm, to challenge racial inequalities? Dr. Margaret Hagerman talks about her research and her new book: White kids: Growing Up With Privilege in a Racially Divided America. It’s an important topic that many people avoid out of discomfort or confusion with regard to how to discuss it. We get right into it on How to Talk to Kids about Anything.
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Dr. Tim Elmore is a best-selling author and CEO of Growing Leaders, a global non-profit organization created to empower students with real-life leadership skills. Tim’s expertise on the emerging generation has led to media coverage in The Huffington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes.com, USA Today and The Washington Post. He has also appeared on CNN’s Headline News and Fox and Friends to discuss how to lead Millennials and Generation Z. Tim’s latest books include Marching Off the Map: Inspire Students to Navigate a Brand New World and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.
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Kate Whitfield is a speaker, author, social entrepreneur, and the founder of FearlesslyGIRL - an internationally recognized anti bullying organization dedicated to creating a Kinder Girl World, reaching over 50,000 girls annually through clubs and school programs.. Kate has established herself as a “go-to” expert on girl world and anti-bullying, and was selected by Instagram and the Prime Minister’s Office as an #EducationCan Ambassador, advising the Prime Minister on youth and education related issues, and named an “Exemplary Canadian” by Facebook Canada for her work empowering young women.
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Well, it’s back to school time and it’s the perfect time to gather some of our best tips from our top experts who have provided some insight on what we must know to help our kids have a successful school year. The latest messages I’ve received from parents have been about homework, bullying and mindset so I thought it would be fun, given that this is a milestone podcast episode as we march forward from 100,000 downloads towards 200,000, 500,000 and more, that we take a look back on the best school-related advice we can get from the top experts who can put it all in perspective for us.
Dr. Robyn Silverman is a well-known professional speaker, child & teen development specialist and leadership coach who appears regularly as an expert on many national TV such as The Today Show, Nightline and Good Morning America. She is a monthly parenting columnist for US News and World Report and is often quoted in print articles for her hands-on parenting and child development expertise. Known for her positive and accessible solutions to challenging problems, she speaks worldwide to diverse audiences; from company leaders and corporate groups to educators, camp professionals, government offices, children and parents. An award-winning writer and success coach, she has contributed as a child development expert to over for 20 books and is currently writing her second book based on her popular parenting podcast, How to Talk to Kids about Anything. On her podcast, she interviews the top experts in their fields who give all the tips, scripts, stories and steps to make every conversation (even the really tough ones!) easier. From talking to kids about divorce, adoption, anger, stress management and allowance to how to talk about death, sex, porn, screen time or ADHD (and more!), she’s got you covered! Check it out on iTunes of her website. You can find out more about Dr. Robyn at DrRobynSilverman.com, on Facebook at Facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman, on twitter at @DrRobyn or on instagram @DrRobynSilverman.
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Dr. Ross Greene served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. He is the author of the influential, well-known best-selling books The Explosive Child and Lost at School as well as Raising Human Beings, Lost and Found and Lost in School and has helped to bring about an upcoming documentary called “The Kids We Lose.” He is a fierce and articulate advocate for the compassionate understanding and treatment of behaviorally challenging kids and their caregivers. Drawing upon vast clinical and consultation experience and research in the neurosciences, his innovative, research-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach – which posits that challenging behavior is the result of lagging skills (rather than lagging motivation) and emphasizes solving problems collaboratively (rather than use of motivational procedures) – has been implemented in countless families and hundreds of schools, inpatient units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities. The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model helps parents, teachers, and kids work together to solve problems in a way that respects our kids while supporting them in improving their behavior. Dr. Greene is also the founder of Lives in the Balance, which aims to provide resources and programs to caregivers of behaviorally challenging kids, address the issues that cause many of these kids to slip through the cracks; and to promote practices that foster the better side of human nature in all children.
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With so many opportunities and demands made on children today, it can be hard to balance sports, homework, activities and yes, if we can muster it, downtime for our kids. How do we help our children and our families make decisions about what to commit to and what to forego during the already busy school year?
We are right at that moment in my own house, as my daughter signed up for violin this year within her school— but was learning piano last year after school, learned guitar in summer camp— so…does she do all three now? And let’s not forget that she also take gymnastics and “mom, can I take horseback riding too?”— oh! And Hebrew school, we’ve got that also. And did I mention I have a son? For him, soccer, mad science and yes, Hebrew school as well. Just looked at all the options can make a parent tired. We give ourselves a lot of pep talks about how our kids behave better when they ‘re busy, and we have to work so our kids might as well be doing something productive and isn’t it better for them to be around other kids expanding their minds, seeking their passion or moving their bodies? And if yes, which direction do we go and how can we remain grounded, sane and happy in the process?
For a discussion about sports, homework, after-school activities, downtime and how to get it all in to our schedules, we are turning to guest, KJ Dell’Antonia for a second time (she was on in March talking about how to be a happier parent).
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Parenting young children can be tough! They can get overloaded, stuck, frustrated and as we’ve talked about before, they need our help when their limbic brains are on meltdown. So what can you SAY, THINK and DO, to help your children manage their BIG feelings and learn to do as you ask? Today, we are talking a second time with pediatric Psychologist, Dr. Lynne Kenney, about how to handle the tantrums, the "I won'ts" and "I can'ts", to help you parent with more collaboration, peace, and calm in your family.
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Parenting these days can be very reactionary. We have lots of pressure and little time and often many feelings of not being enough, constantly striving, competing with others and overall disconnection. We have big reactions or, perhaps we might say, our big reactions have us. But what if we practiced more aware parenting? What if we become more in touch with our own senses, our mental state, our bodies and our relationship to ourselves and to others and how our awareness could affect our parenting and our lives? When we become aware and reflective of our reactions and what is indeed feeding these reactions, we can become more receptive, calm, balanced, compassionate and positive in the way we parent our kids and more balanced in our own wellbeing. And imagine what we can teach our kids—by showing awareness and practicing awareness, we can then teach them to the do the same in their own lives. Is there a way to cultivate this awareness? Is there a way to teach our kids to practice awareness as children and teenagers? For these questions and more, we turn to our guest today, Dr. Dan Siegel.
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Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native. She’s also super cool and actually has an article out about some things to consider if your child wants to be a youtube star in the Washington Post—and we’re going to dig right and flesh out the information so we know how to have this discussion about fame, social media and what to look out for if your child brings the idea of putting videos up on social media to your attention—best to be prepared, right?
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Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson is welcomed back to the show-- who you will remember from our show on how to talk to kids about food allergies. Bridging the digital divide between doctors and patients, Dr. Swanson, Chief of Digital Innovation at Seattle Children’s Hospital has blazed a trail of patient education using her voice through a variety of different channels in traditional and social media. Through her blog, podcast , social media channels and her parenting book she translates science and parenting information to the public. Swanson also regularly partners with reporters in traditional print, online, and television media and makes weekly TV appearances in Seattle with NBC affiliate, KING5 News. She hopes to transform the paternalistic approach to messaging into an empowered, patient-centered one where peers learn from each other and from expert advice online. Check her out at http://seattlemamadoc.seattlechildrens.org/
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Imagine being stuck in a world that doesn’t really “get” who you are. You’re different and in many cases, people see these differences as bad and something that needs to be fixed. My next guest, Deborah Reber, has spoke to us before about neurodiversity- and is back to talk more specifically about what she refers to as “differently wired” kids. We are talking about the one in five children with ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger’s, giftedness, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and other neurodifferences. One in five—20% of children are neurodiverse and they have many challenges they must face. And along with these kids, come the parents who love them but arean’t quite sure how to best help their kids but will try just about anything. They try to find the right school, teachers, therapists, medications, as well as the right parenting group and friends who will support them. It’s hard to know how to handle it all- but Debbie Reber is here to help.
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Dr. Gail Dines is a Professor Emerita of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston. She is the author of numerous books and articles, and her latest book, Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality, has been translated into five languages. Dr Dines is the founding president of the Non-profit, Culture Reframed. Dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of a hypersexualized and pornified society, Culture Reframed develops cutting-edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and sexuality. Dr. Dines is an internationally known speaker and consultant to governmental bodies here and abroad.
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Dannielle Miller is a best-selling Author, Teen Educator and Media Commentator In 2003 she founded Australia’s leading provider of in-school workshops for teen girls, Enlighten Education. More recently, she launched a program for boys, Goodfellas. She has written for several online and print publications and has a bi-weekly column in Australia’s most read newspaper, The Daily Telegraph. She has written five books for parents and teen girls, including a best-selling title on raising happy, confident teen girls, The Butterfly Effect. Dannielle is a popular speaker at youth and education conferences and forums internationally.
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Karen Young has worked as a psychologist in private practice and in educational settings. She founded the popular website, Hey Sigmund, which attracts millions of readers each year. Karen is a sought-after speaker, both at home in Australia and internationally. She is the author of ‘Hey Warrior’, a book for kids to help them understand anxiety and find their ‘brave’. The book has now been translated into a number of languages—and we couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome her to How to Talk to Kids about Anything
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Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, speaker, and fellow at the Institute for Social Innovation at Fielding Graduate University where she studies how young people become caring family members, innovative workers, ethical leaders, and engaged citizens in an increasingly complex society. She is founder of Roots of Action, a website that shares research-based resources on positive youth development with parents, schools, and communities – with an audience of over half-million readers each year. She is the author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation and a contributing writer at Psychology Today and Edutopia.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Positive Internal Strengths with Marilyn Price Mitchell appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Dr. Robyn Silverman is a well-known professional speaker, child & teen development specialist and leadership coach who appears regularly as an expert on many national TV such as The Today Show, Nightline and Good Morning America. She is a monthly parenting columnist for US News and World Report and is often quoted in print articles for her hands-on parenting and child development expertise. Known for her positive and accessible solutions to challenging problems, she speaks worldwide to diverse audiences; from company leaders and corporate groups to educators, camp professionals, government offices, children and parents. An award-winning writer and success coach, she has contributed as a child development expert to over for 20 books and is currently writing her second book based on her popular parenting podcast, How to Talk to Kids about Anything. On her podcast, she interviews the top experts in their fields who give all the tips, scripts, stories and steps to make every conversation (even the really tough ones!) easier. From talking to kids about divorce, adoption, anger, stress management and allowance to how to talk about death, sex, porn, screen time or ADHD (and more!), she’s got you covered! Check it out on iTunes of her website. You can find out more about Dr. Robyn at DrRobynSilverman.com, on Facebook at Facebook.com/DrRobynSilverman, on twitter at @DrRobyn or on instagram @DrRobynSilverman.
The post First Year Round Up! Top Lessons Learned from our Top Experts appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Alex Corbitt Alex Corbitt (@Alex_Corbitt) is a middle school English teacher in The Bronx, New York. His work focuses on socio-emotional learning, gamification, education technology, and literacy. He loves learning from other teachers and he regularly presents at conferences around the United States. And I follow him on twitter because not only does he share some of my infographics on how to talk to kids about different topics and how to start conversations about respect and focus—but he shares some incredibly relevant and interesting infographics from other educators who are doing important work to get our kids to love learning. Oh- and he didn’t say this in his bio but he’s had a lot of recognition for being a distinguished educator—I get the sense that he’s well loved and innovative and we’ve got a lot to learn from him.
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Special Guest: Wendy Sue Swanson Bridging the digital divide between doctors and patients, Dr. Wendy Sue Swanson, Chief of Digital Innovation at Seattle Children’s Hospital has blazed a trail of patient education using her voice through a variety of different channels in traditional and social media. Through her blog, podcast , social media channels and her parenting book she translates science and parenting information to the public. Swanson also regularly partners with reporters in traditional print, online, and television media and makes weekly TV appearances in Seattle with NBC affiliate, KING5 News. She hopes to transform the paternalistic approach to messaging into an empowered, patient-centered one where peers learn from each other and from expert advice online. Check her out at http://seattlemamadoc.seattlechildrens.org/
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Special Guest: Dina Alexander We are surrounded by media messaging everyday. The TV we watch, the billboards we see, the radio we listen to and the social media we read and share just to name a few. A great deal of our media is good- fine- interesting and even helpful—but there is a lot of media mixed in there that is useless or even harmful. Our children really need to know the difference. This is one of my favorite topics- I present on this topic and personally, it lights my fire as media is so powerful and has the ability to shape and break people. So how do we talk to kids about media and how to deconstruct, understand and critique it? Our old friend, Dina Alexander, who was already on How to Talk to Kids about Anything to discuss the topic of talking about sex and making babies—she is back to help us talk to kids about media literacy.
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Special Guest: Dr. Susan Bartell Dr. Susan Bartell is a nationally recognized parenting psychologist and author, supporting parents in raising happy and healthy kids in a stressful world. She has written the book, The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask and you can find her on national TV and radio- and She writes for US News & World Report (along with me and several other fabulous experts I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing) on a wide range of topics such as the importance of raising grateful children and how to keep teens from turning smartphones into weapons. Dr. Bartell is here today to talk with us on monitoring your child’s screen time and digital footprint.
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Special Guest: Dr. Ross Flowers Ross Flowers, Ph.D. is an experienced sport and performance psychologist, executive coach, author and speaker. He is the director of sports performance psychology for the LA Clippers. As a partner in Giles Consulting Group he has worked as a leadership development coach for the Center for Creative Leadership, international sport psychologist, psychologist in the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation, and sport psychology instructor. Ross is the author of Introducing Your Child to Sports: An Expert’s Answers to Parents’ Questions about Raising a Healthy, Balanced, Happy Athlete.
Ross served as a senior sport psychologist for the United States Olympic Committee, and was a member of many USA World Cup, World Championship and Olympic teams for summer and winter sports. Ross founded and directed the Applied Sport Psychology Program at the University of California, Davis. You can look him up right here: http://gilesllc.com/
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Special Guest: KJ Dell'Antonia Five years of editing the Motherlode column for the New York Times taught KJ Dell’Antonia this: family can be a source of joy, not stress. Her reporting and research on parental happiness led to her new forthcoming book, “How to Be a Happier Parent,” available in August, 2018. She writes regularly on the personal and policy aspects of parenthood for the New York Times and other publications, and sends out a weekly tiny letter on being a happier parent (even when she’s not)— http://tinyurl.com/followkj which is in the shownotes of this podcast. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband, four children and assorted horses, chickens, dogs and cats.
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Special Guest: Katherine Ozment Katherine Ozment is the author of Grace Without God: The Search for Meaning, Purpose, and Belonging in a Secular Age. She is an award-winning journalist who has worked in publishing for more than twenty-five years, including as a senior editor at National Geographic, for which she once rode a donkey through the desert of Israel and Jordan for several weeks. Her essays and articles have been widely published in such venues as National Geographic, The New York Times, and Salon. Grace Without God was named a best book of the year by Publishers Weekly and Spirituality & Health. I’m not surprised because it is beautifully written and thought provoking. You can learn more about Katherine and her book in the show notes of this podcast as well as on her website www.katherineozment.com
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Special Guest: Andrea Owen Life coach. Author and Self described Hellraiser. Andrea Owen is passionate about empowering women to value themselves and fiercely love who they are. She helps high-achieving women let go of perfectionism, control, and isolation—urging them to choose courage and confidence instead. Her new book is called How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits that Are Holding You Back from Happiness. You can learn more about Andrea and her new book in the show notes to this podcast or on www.yourkickasslife.com.
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Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. And she has a new workbook out called the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook that you are sure to love. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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Special Guest: Rachel Simmons Rachel Simmons is a bestselling author, educator and consultant helping girls and women be more authentic, assertive and resilient. Her latest release, Enough As She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy and Fulfilling Lives, due out today from HarperCollins. Her previous work includes the New York Times bestsellers Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl. As an educator, Rachel teaches girls and women the skills they need to build their resilience, amplify their voices, and own their courage so that they—and their relationships—live with integrity and health.
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Special Guest: Catherine Pearlman Catherine Pearlman is the founder of The Family Coach and the author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction. Catherine writes the nationally syndicated Dear Family Coach column and her work has appeared in US News, Parent.com, CNN.com, Good Housekeeping and more. She’s a licensed clinical social worker, an assistant professor at Brandman University and a mom of two kids and a dog. She’s a New Yorker living in southern California.
The post How to Cope with Siblings who Annoy, Bully or Fight with Catherine Pearlman appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dr. Michele Borba More than one out of every five students report being bullied, according to the National Center for Educational Statistics (2016). One third of students who reported being bullied at school indicate that they were bullied at least once or twice a month during the school year. The reason for this bullying? Physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, and sexual orientation, just to name the top few. There is no doubt that we have a problem and our schools, parents and children need solutions. So what do we do? And is there a way to stop bullying before it starts? We’ve talked with a few experts on social aggression in the history of How to Talk to Kids about Anything- Rosalind Wiseman, Carrie Goldman and most recently, Katie Hurley who looked at social aggression specifically in girls. Today, we are going to focus on preventative solutions to this pervasive issue- namely, what my guest and good friend, Michele Borba, is calling the 6Rs of bully prevention.
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Special Guest: Dawn Huebner, PhD Do your children or young teens get nervous? Scared? Jittery? Uneasy? Agitated? Stressed out? Well, everyone gets worried sometimes. Some people are able to move through worry fairly easily while others find that worry can get in their way. Does that happen to your kids? In certain situations, it can happen to mine. Some kids worry about school, tests, or where they’re going to sit at lunch. Others worry about bugs or thunder storms, bad dreams or being away from their parents. As an adult, sometimes our kids’ worries seem strange or illogical and we can get frustrated or overwhelmed, annoyed or even worried about their worry. We need some tips and scripts to help our kids tame those jitters- especially when we aren’t there to help the, Well, we are in luck- my next guest is going to help us talk to kids and help kids understand and outsmart worry.
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Special Guest: Sue Atkins Each one of us, as a parent, teacher, coach or mentor wants to help raise and inspire kids who are happy, well-adjusted, confident and resilient. But, in today’s world, it’s not always easy! The messages we receive as parents and educators can get confusing and don’t always know the right thing to do. We hear; “make sure to encourage your child—but don’t give too much praise or it will backfire!” “Let your child fail—but balance it with pointing out strengths and successes—and for goodness sake don’t tie in achievement with self esteem!” “Give your child responsibilities—but don’t forget to allow them to have free time and play too!” So much to balance. So much to remember. And still, of course, we all have our bad days when we throw up our hands and wonder if we are getting any of it right. Who hasn’t been there? So to discuss and tease through how we can raise happy, confident, resilient kids- we have Sue Atkins on the show today
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Special Guest: Katie Hurley
Katie Hurley, LCSW, has been on our show before in a popular episode on stress and children- and she is back to talk about young girls and relational aggression in the elementary school years. Katie is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of “Girls Can!” empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is the author of The Happy Kid Handbook and the forthcoming No More Mean Girls, and her work can be found in The Washington Post, PBS Parents, and US News and World Report, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women’s studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between California and Connecticut with her husband and two children.
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Special Guest: Carrie Goldman
Carrie Goldman has written for everything from The New York Times, CNN, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and more. She has made appearances on NPR, BBC, MSNBC, CNN, along with countless other media outlets. Carrie writes one of the nation’s premier adoption blogs, Portrait of an Adoption, which has followers in more than 45 countries. Her acclaimed children’s chapter book, Jazzy’s Quest: Adopted and Amazing, came out in June of 2015, and the sequel, Jazzy’s Quest: What Matters Most, came out in November of 2016. In addition to her adoption expertise, she is also the award-winning author of Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (Harper Collins) which we discussed in a previous podcast episode. Bullied has received a National Parenting Publication Award and a Mom’s Choice Award, both at the gold medal level, for excellence in educational skills and tools. You can find more out about our fabulous guest, Carrie Goldman at CarrieGoldmanAuthor.com
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Special Guest: Devorah Heitner
Devorah Heitner, PhD is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She passionately believes in the power of mentoring kids in creating a positive tech culture and she is delighted to be raising her own digital native.
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Special Guest: Debbie Reber
Debbie Reber is a New York Times bestselling author and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a website, top podcast, and social media company for parents who are raising differently wired children. Her next book, Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World, comes out in June 2018. She currently lives with her son and husband in the Netherlands. Check her out at http://www.tiltparenting.com
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Special Guest: Jill Castle
Jill Castle is a registered dietitian/nutritionist and a specialist in pediatric nutrition. She currently works as a private practitioner, online educator, consultant, and speaker. She is the author of Eat Like a Champion: Performance Nutrition for Your Young Athlete and co-author of Fearless Feeding: How to Raise Healthy Eaters from High Chair to High School. She’s also the creator of The Nourished Child, a childhood nutrition blog and podcast, and The Kids Healthy Weight Project, an online course for parents. Jill is a national and international speaker, focused on topics including childhood nutrition, feeding, picky eating, youth sports nutrition, and childhood obesity. Jill is regularly quoted in popular print and online publications as a leading childhood nutrition expert and is a regular contributor to US News & World Report, USA Swimming and Bundoo.com. You can find out all about Jill Castle at JillCastle.com
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Special Guest: Sage B. Hobbs
Sage Hobbs is a women’s empowerment coach, speaker, and author of the book, Naked Communication. She’s known for her bold, insightful, and dynamic approach to communication, relationships, and personal growth. Sage works in both individual and group settings to create experiences of courage, self-expression, and freedom. Sage supports her clients to unleash their voice, take action, and transform their status quo when they feel stuck, dissatisfied, or stagnant. Prior to creating her current work, Sage received her Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology and spent a decade working with teens and families to navigate the wild path of growing up. She’s also a mom of two, a cancer survivor, a proud teacher’s wife, a “retired” school counselor, a world traveler, a living room dance party aficionado, and a book lover.
The post How to Communicate Openly and Honestly with your Kids with Sage Hobbs appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Andrea Umbach
All people, young or old, experience fears or anxiety at one time or another in their lives. These feelings are often normal- even protective- because they tell us when we need to use caution, run, fight or get help. Kids may fear the dark, or spiders, or being separated from their parents- and much more. For children, coping with fear can even help them deal calmly with bigger fears as they get older and challenging situations get more, well, challenging. But what happens when fears are more relentless? When they are more than just normal, everyday anxieties and tend to stop us from doing what we want to do, need to do, live fully from day to day? What happens when it’s not just a fear- but a phobia? To figure all of this out- I am so glad we have Dr. Andrea Umbach on our show today.
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Special Guest: George Couros
George Couros is a leading educator in the area of innovative leadership, teaching, and learning. He has worked with all levels of school, from K-12 as a teacher, technology facilitator, and school and district administrator, and is the author of the book, The Innovator’s Mindset; Empower Learning, Unleash Talent, and Lead a Culture of Creativity. He is a sought after speaker on the topic of innovative student learning and engagement and has worked with schools and organizations around the globe. George is also the creator of Connected Principals.com, an initiative that brings educators and leaders together from around the world to create powerful learning opportunities for students. Although George is a leader in the area of innovation, his focus is always on the development of leadership and people and what is best for learners. His belief is that meaningful change happens when you first connect to people’s hearts. You can connect with George on his blog, The Principal of Change (georgecouros.ca) or through Twitter @gcouros.
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Special Guest: Jessica Herthel
This podcast is aimed to help parents and educators understand how to knowledgably and compassionately talk about transgender youth and gender expression with children. Especially when many people have their own preconceived notions about gender, it can be hard to speak about the spectrum of gender expression in a non-biased and open-minded way. How do we answer questions about what transgender means? How do we better understand the challenges of transgender and other LGBTQ youth? How can we best support children in our community who are gender non-conforming? This podcast episode with Jessica Herthel, LGBTQ advocate, helps to answer these (and more) questions!
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Special Guest: Marty Matika
This podcast will focus on how to help kids cope with the impact of divorce. Marty Matika goes over the warning signs that might tell you that your kids are suffering during divorce (but not telling you about it), the top mistakes parents make while going through a divorce, and what kids really wish their parents knew while their family was going through a divorce. As a child who went through divorce as well as a therapist/coach who helps kids and families who are going through divorce, Marty Matika has personal insights that can help parents who are experiencing divorce right now.
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Special Guest: Caroline Knorr
Ever see an ad for a toy, movie, TV show or book and wonder, is that right for my child? Wish you had knew from a completely unbiased, well-researched, independent child-focused organization how to pick the best apps, best websites and best educational videos for your kids at the most optimal ages possible? And speaking of optimal ages- wish you knew how much screen time your child should get or when you should get your child his or her first phone? Then you have come to the right place today. Parenting in the 21st century is filled with figuring out media from dealing with online safety to navigating social media to knowing which apps are really good for learning. We are so thrilled to have Caroline Knorr from Common Sense Media on the show today.
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Special Guest: Annie Fox
Annie Fox is an Award winning writer, app developer and Educator Focusing on Social-Emotional learning and character development. Annie aims to teach kids to be good people because we need more good people. We are all villagers, so it's up to us. Some of her books include: Teaching Kids to Be Good People, Too Stressed to Think?, the Middle School Confidential book and app series, and the Raymond and Sheila picture books series. Annie’s latest book, The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship, offers 8-12 year old girls (and their parents/teachers) 50 ways to fix a friendship without the DRAMA. And that topic, talking to girls about friendship, is what lands her on the show today and we couldn’t be more excited.
Girls and friendship. For some, this topic makes them smile and think of the most endearing, close, meaningful relationships of their lives. For others, it makes them sweat and feel a little sick. Maybe it’s a little bit of both!
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Special Guest: Dr. Sue Cornbluth
This podcast provides tips, scripts, stories and steps to help parents and educators understand the unique challenges of children who feel different, cast aside or devalued because of experiences in their childhood. Sue Cornbluth talks about children who were in the foster care system or who were adopted and how many of these children can have challenged self esteem due to unanswered questions about their identity or internalized frustrations about their life circumstances. How can we help kids who are being fostered or who have been adopted (perhaps later in life), cultivate the high self esteem and self worth they deserve?
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Special Guest: Sue Scheff
In today’s digitally driven world, disaster is only a click away. This is the written on the front flap of my next guest’s new book, Shame Nation. On this podcast, we’ve talked about the good and bad of the digital world- it can be a place of immense resource and positive education- we had a great discussion about learning and leading in a digital world with Eric Sheninger- and it can also be a home of aggression, misuse and the ugliness of humanity- from talking about bullying with Carrie Goldman and dignity and social aggression with Rosalind Wiseman. We have a few coming up like Katie Hurley talking about No More Mean Girls and a few others so, as parents, we know about the need for parental controls and the need for safety discussions regarding predators and who is friending you on social media. But my next guest brings to light a whole other segment of discussion that happens every day on the internet and can be like a runaway train if you don’t catch it before it gets out of control- online shaming.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Preventing and Overcoming Online Shaming with Sue Scheff appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Beth Kobliner
Do you want to make your kid a money genius (even if you’re not)? Well then you are in luck today! We live in a time when stakes are high—many parents worry that their kids will NOT be more financially successful than they were- which is a big change from previous generations that always seemed to believe that the next generation would be better off than they were. Given that we hear about lots of kids who often wind up with high student loans, low paying jobs and not enough money to go out on their own after college, is there something we can do NOW to help our kids ore knowledgeable about how to best handle money? Turns out, yes there is. And there is work to be done-- many kids and young adults don’t know what they need to know about how to save, spend, invest and ultimately use money in responsible ways. We’ve talked about money with in a past episode with money expert, Neale Godfrey, and today we are going to get into some different money questions that help us, age by age, know what to do to help our kids become money geniuses, what mistakes to avoid and how we talk to kids about all if this- and we have the privilege to have money genius herself, Beth Kobliner on the show!
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Special Guest: Eric Sheninger
There’s no question that things have changed dramatically in the world of kids since we were young. After all, the phones we had were connected to the wall and had long coily cords that we stretched as far as they could go so we could get some privacy in a bathroom or a closet. The only webs we spoke of were spider webs, a tablet was something you took when you were sick and movies could only be seen in theaters or on HBO, as long as you were willing to get out of your seat and physically go change the channel. I know, the horror.
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Special Guest: Dr. Laura Markham
Dr. Laura Markham trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. She is the mother of two, now ages 21 and 25. Dr. Laura is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life. You can find her online at http://www.ahaparenting.com
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Special Guest: Celeste Headlee
Celeste Headlee is the host of "On Second Thought" at Georgia Public Broadcasting in Atlanta and has been a host and correspondent for NPR and PRI since 2006. She is the author of the book, We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter (Harper Wave, September 19), a practical guide to the lost art of conversation. Celeste’s TEDx Talk sharing 10 ways to have a better conversation was listed as one of the most watched TED Talks in 2016 (CNBC) and named the #1 must-watch TED Talk by Glassdoor (with over 11 million total views to date.)
Being able to have productive conversations is a skill—and it’s a skill, built on a series of other skills from being assertive to listening to ensuring that we were heard correctly and yes, that we have heard and understood correctly what others are saying. These days, with so much communication relying on electronic screens and emojis, the art of conversation may be at risk. And that’s a scary thought. To put ourselves in the frame of mind of taking in the importance of good conversation skills, just think of what happens when poor communication happens—people get the wrong idea, mistakes are made, feelings are hurt and stuff does not get done in the right way. And when conversation is clear and strong and good- progress is made, we feel understood and connected- truly, it can make all the difference.
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Special Guest: Amy Morin
Amy Morin a psychotherapist and the international bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Her forthcoming book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, goes on sale September 19. Amy also teaches at Northeastern University and she’s a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., Verywell, and Psychology Today. Her advice has been featured by numerous media outlets including Oprah.com, Parents, Business Insider, Success Magazine, and Fox News and she stars in a RedBull TV show called Visions of Greatness.
Mentally strong people have good habits, make informed choices and persevere even when the going gets tough. But what habits have mentally strong people dropped to make room for personal growth and meaningful gain? Many people have told Amy Morin, who authored the blockbuster “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” (which you can hear about here LINK), that they wished they had learned these 13 things to avoid earlier in life—and how, as parents, could they be a better example to their kids? How could they actively instill positive habits (and avoid instilling negative habits) in their children that could compromise their mental strength? This podcast has the answers.
The post What to do (and what not to do) to become mentally strong parents with Amy Morin, LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Gretchen Rubin
We all have different kinds of kids that we parent, teach or coach. Think about it. Some seem easy as pie and others drive you absolutely bonkers. You give one kid a responsibility or perhaps you help one kid set a goal- and he’s on it. Committed and ready to whatever it takes to follow through. He’s off and running and you don’t need to do anything to help him make it happen. Wow! What a great parent or teacher you must be! Then- you give another kid a responsibility or help him set a goal and he might question you for an hour about why he has to do it this way or that and every who, what, where, when and how it will be done as well. Still other kids may need regular accountability to ensure progress or maybe you even know a few that may resist moving forward no matter what you try. Have I described the kids in your life yet? Why in the world can setting expectations, giving responsibilities or helping kids set goals work so easily for some kids and seem like a lesson in futility for others? Turns out, you aren’t crazy—there’s a reason for this. It comes down to a person’s tendency. And you know what? You have them too.
Gretchen Rubin is the author of several books, including the blockbuster bestsellers Better Than Before and The Happiness Project. Perhaps you’ve seen her on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday or give her Ted Talk or give expert happiness advice on the Today Show or Good Morning America. She also has a very popular podcast that you may have heard—called Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. Her new book, The Four Tendencies, reveals a personality framework she’s created that that explains that people fall into four types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. And we are going to talk all about it today.
The post How the Four Tendencies of Personality Can Help Us Better Understand Our Kids with Gretchen Rubin appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dr. Dehra Harris
Children who are differently wired, and in particular, children with ADHD, can often feel like something is “wrong” with their brain. “Why can’t I pay attention?” “Why am I getting yelled at right now?” While there are some clear challenges that children with ADHD face in school and in some everyday activities, there are also many strengths that come with having ADHD. During this podcast, Dr. Dehra Harris talks about how we can better understand the challenges and strengths of having ADHD and how we can talk to children about their brain. Dr. Dehra also talks to us about some tips to best parent children with ADHD so that they thrive and we all have more success.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Impulsivity & ADHD with Dr. Dehra Harris appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Lori Lite
More and more, kids are feeling stressed out in today’s world. This is a topic that comes up often- and of course it does, between academics, sports, homework, performance, lack of free play, reduced recess, political unrest, overworked parents and more, kids are being pulled in many directions and so are parents. Stress is part of the landscape in many families. It’s a great privilege to be able to call on the parenting experts who study stress and stress management as a living to help us know what to do, how to stay calm and how to help our kids with stress management.
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Special Guest: Carrie Goldman
Bullying is a hot topic these days- of course it is. Studies tell us that, more and more, bullying can have a lasting effect on a person's mental health. Not to mention, we hear tragic stories about children feeling hopeless and helpless when they are being bullied- even some who have turned to hurting themselves or suicide because they don’t see anyway out. As a person who was bullied during my 5th grade year—I can relate to feeling so frustrated and upset and misunderstood and stuck, overwhelmed and targeted while I was being bullied- and I vowed that I would do whatever it took to help young people feel confident in their own skin, speak up when they see something is not right, and help the adults who love kids to know some tips and scripts to be helpful when a child is being bullied. You have heard the podcast with Rosalind Wiseman when we spoke abut creating a culture of dignity among young people- now we have one of my friends and colleagues, Carrie Goldman, on the show, to talk more about bullying, in particular.
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Special Guest: Joe Primo
Having a conversation about death and dying is not typically a conversation people are excited to have with their kids. And yet, we all know it’s necessary. A friend of mine came over to me at a party the other day. She had just found out that her mother-in-law had stage 4 cancer. While dealing with her own whirlwind of emotions, knowing that I provide tips and scripts to have these tough conversations with kids, she asked me; “What do I tell the kids? What if they ask me if she’ll die? What do I say when she does?” The concept of dying can be scary, sad, confusing, angering and upsetting for many of us. Our own emotions, our concern about our children’s emotions- how they are going to take the news- how they are going to cope with life when someone they love dies- how might they grieve—what’s normal- these can make us worry about having the conversations in the first place. Not to mention, our confusion over what to say and how to say it can make this topic on how to talk to kids about death and dying- a real tough one.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Death & Dying with Joe Primo appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dina Alexander
So who wants more information about how to have THE talk with their kids. You know the one. THE SEX TALK! This is one of those conversations that often makes us all squirm in our seats and yet, gotta have it. And remember, while you may not be talking to your kids about sex yet, you’ll need to talk about it at some point—and likely sooner than later, no matter what your family values are and what you personally think your children should or shouldn’t be doing. And for those of you who have already been in the thick of it—perhaps you’ve already had a discussion about privacy, your child’s body or sex itself – remember, it’s never one big talk, but a series of little ones, so this podcast can help provide you with one, two or three extra nuggets you might not have thought of yet when the topic comes up again. And you know it will! It always does.
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Special Guest: Dr. Gail Saltz
Every parent wants his or her child to be happy and successful. As parents, we learn from many books, experts, our own parents that there is a formula for this—they get enough sleep, we feed them right, we send them to school, give them love and boundaries, make sure they do their homework, we put them in the right sports, get them involved with enrichment activities—the brain and body develops and our child will be successful. Of course, in practice, this is often not such a clear-cut picture.
No child is the same as another. No brain is the same as another. And sometimes, when children don’t seem to be following the preconceived pattern that we expected, that we learned about, maybe that we hoped for, we might wonder how our child, who is different from the norm could become happy and successful. It turns out, as some have already discovered, that there is a power in being different and as parents, we can help cultivate, inspire and build upon that difference and that’s where the magic can happen. What magic you might wonder? What is the power of different? That’s why we are privileged to have our amazing guest, Dr. Gail Saltz, for today’s podcast episode.
The post How to Talk to Kids about the Power of Different with Dr. Gail Saltz appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore
Friendship can be a beautiful part of life. We laugh, cry, play, talk and experience life with friends as we grow up. I mean, thinking back to your childhood, no doubt there are many moments that many of us can remember that involve friends. But that doesn’t mean that friendship is a simple construct. There are important skills that kids must develop in order to make and keep friends. How do they make friends? How do they learn to understand their friend’ feelings? How do they learn be part of the group and still maintain their own individuality and how do they let go to forgive or even more on from a friendship? For these questions, we are turning to Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD
The post How to Talk to Kids about Making & Keeping Friends with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Amy Morin, LCSW
Ever wonder: What is the secret of success? Is it intelligence? Talent? Luck? Perhaps a bit. But more and more the research is telling us that the X-factor—the reason why some people fail and other succeed comes down to grit or what is sometimes referred to as mental toughness or mental strength. What is mental strength? How can we develop it? And How can parents, teachers and coaches help kids to develop mental strength? These are just some of the questions we are going to get answers to on today’s podcast with Amy Morin.
The post How to Talk to Kids about being Mentally Strong with Amy Morin, LCSW appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dr. Dae Sheridan
The topic of sexual assault, suicide and cyber-bullying are certainly topics that are well covered in the news but not topics that parents and educators often love to cover with kids. But today’s topic has, of late, been the recipient of a great deal of media coverage and concern among parents and educators. Why?
The post How to Talk to Kids about Suicide, Sexual Assault & 13 Reasons Why with Dr. Dae Sheridan appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Scott Sonenshein
This podcast provides:
Tips: How to help our kids do more with less and become more resourceful. How can we be more creative? Scott also talks about taking “field trips,” creative atypical birthday parties, reaffirming play, modeling, little seed creativity.
Scripts: Saying no to our children, what to say when your child wants a new toy
Steps: Taking a child through how to be resourceful when wanting a new toy. How can we look at what we have in unique ways?
Barriers to success: By saying yes to everything we create a dependence on “more stuff” and we rob our kids of the ability to get creative.
The post How to talk to kids about resourcefulness with Scott Sonenshein appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Katie Hurley
This podcast provides:
Tips: Katie talks about watching for stress-signs, encouraging play, dealing with differences between parents and children, using empathic listening, using stress words and problem-solving, stop and label, self care, body mapping, deep breathing.
Scripts: Instead of problem solving, use some empathic listening and reflect back what your child is saying. Examples are given. Also how to talk to kids about pitching in when parents are stressed out (and ask for help when they are!).
Barriers to success: Differences between how parents and children cope with stress (coming from different worlds).
The post How to Raise Joyful Kids In a Stressful World with Katie Hurley appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Christina McGhee
This podcast provides:
Tips: How to prepare to tell the kids about divorce and what to know, when best to say it and what to do if you are going to do so. The dos and don’ts of talking to kids about divorce.
Scripts: What to say, step by step, when you need to tell your kids about a divorce in the family.
Steps: The steps to take before you talk to your kids about getting a divorce.
Barriers to success: Putting the kids in the middle, our own feelings about the experience, our assumption that our kids are “fine” and already know and understand.
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Special Guest: Wendy Young
This podcast provides:
Tips:
How to co-regulate
How to get off the anger merry-go-round.
How to use “a bug and a wish.”
How to help kids realize the anger cues
How to construct a mad box and why
How to process the feelings and interactions after the incident is over.
Speaking out loud about our own anger and how we process it
N.O.W. Learn how to Normalize, Offer opportunities/strategies, Work with children on managing big feelings
Scripts:
What to say when your children have big feelings and are showing intensity.
How to help children describe how big their feelings are at that moment.
Helping kids know what to do when they want to engage in negative behaviors- what can we do instead?
How to give hope when helping kids managing big, intense feelings
How to process the feelings after the incident is over
Walking through the steps of calming down our anger out loud.
Exactly what to say when children are in the throws of messy feelings.
The post How to Talk to Kids About Anger & Big Feelings with Wendy Young appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Margie Warrell
This podcast provides:
Tips: Specific tips on what to do to help our children take healthy risks and lead a brave life.
Scripts: What to say (and how to show and model) to our kids about getting out of their comfort zone as well as what kinds of risks are worth taking.
How to add bravery into everyday experiences
The post How to Talk to Kids About Being Brave with Margie Warrell appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Dr. Michele Borba
This podcast provides:
Tips:
How to build empathy in your child
Cultivate 9 habits of empathy such as perspective-taking & self-regulation
Use a baby in the family, a puppy, movies, Facetime to help understand and learn emotion literacy.
How to build the “kind mindset”
The 4 tips navy SEALS are using.
How service can help build altruistic children- match your child’s passion.
Look for moments to talk about feelings and empathy.
Modeling empathy for children.
Family meeting: How do we want to be remembered?
Developing a family motto that supports empathy
Empathy can be nurtured- weave it into daily moments.
Scripts:
What to say when a child is unkind to someone.
What to say when you see empathy in action.
Using the two-kind rule at your dinner table.
The post How to talk to Kids about Empathy and Entitlement with Dr. Michele Borba appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Wendy Van de Poll
This podcast provides:
Tips:
Plan ahead.
Know the difference between normal and abnormal grief.
Let a child grieve and allow your child to have a full breadth of feelings.
Use real words.
Discuss the life cycle.
Read books to your children about loss
Create scrap books or allow your child to write a letter to your pet
Scripts:
Why not to say “your dog went to sleep” and what to say instead.
How to move towards positive memories.
How to honestly but gently talk to your child when your pet is very sick and death is going to occur soon.
What to say when you are angry and loss is sudden.
Steps
Know the stages of grief and don’t rush them.
Play a positive game.
What do you remember?
The post How to talk to Kids about the Death of a Pet with Wendy Van de Poll appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
This podcast will focus on how to talk to kids about healthy, caring, romantic relationships. When you were a teen, who taught you about how to have a mutually beneficial, successful romantic relationship? Who is teaching your teen? Dr. Weissbourd and his team released a report on May 17th called The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment. This report highlights what adults have NOT been doing to help prevent misogyny among teens and to prepare young people for caring, ethical romantic and sexual relationships. This podcast expands on what Dr. Weissbourd and his team found and how we can personally answer the question: What do we, as key adults in the lives of teens, really understand about healthy, caring romantic relationships and how can we convey this to our kids?
The post How to Talk to Kids about Healthy, Caring Romantic Relationships with Dr. Richard Weissbourd appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
This podcast will focus on talking to kids (and teaching kids) about money. Raising children who understand money is vital to their future financial health, independence and future fiscal behavior. Children and teens need to learn the value of money as well as how to budget, plan, earn, save, invest and give to causes and charities that mean something to them. Money management is a life skill that all children must learn—so let’s get the information we need right here!
The post How to Talk to Kids about Money & Financial Responsibility with Neale Godfrey appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
This podcast will focus on the importance of allowing children to fail. Discover why, during the school-age and teen years, it is vital for parents and educators to allow young people to experience the disappointment, frustration and struggle that occurs when they are challenged by life’s problems. Find out how failure and learning to bounce back and ultimately succeed, put children on the path to growing up and becoming successful, resilient and self-reliant adults.
The post How to talk to Kids About the Gift of Failure with Jessica Lahey appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
This podcast will focus on the most common toddler/early-childhood sleep problems Dr. Natasha Burgert encounters in the office—and how to fix them!
The post How to talk to your child through the “bedtime battle” – and win…featuring Dr. Natasha Burgert appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
As a parent or a teacher, you might have experienced moments where children experience overwhelming feelings such as anger, anxiety or agitation leading to fitful moments, tantrums and melt-downs. Today we are talking with Dr. Lynne Kenney about how to help children get calm on the spot and develop better tools and strategies for coping with BIG feelings.
The post How to Talk to Kids about Big Feelings & Calming Down Strategies Featuring Dr. Lynne Kenney appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Special Guest: Rosalind Wiseman
This podcast provides:
Information on boyworld vs girlworld: The cultural messages and the challenges that girls vs boys are coping with in today’s society
A step-by-step plan of what to do when your child is involved with a mistake, problem or bullying issue with another child. “Just because it’s common, doesn’t make it right.”
A step-by-step plan of how to approach the other parent if your child is on the receiving end of bullying or social aggression
The difference between bullying, drama and conflict
The script for how to talk to kids about dignity, respect, conflict and relationships
The post How to Talk to Kids about Boyworld, Girlworld, Bullying & Cultures of Dignity Featuring Rosalind Wiseman appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.
Just a little comic relief on this snowy Monday– my 4 year old flying his freak flag during last night’s SuperBowl halftime show with Missy Elliot and Katy Perry. I never knew he had so many dance movies. Next step…hip hop class?
The post My 4 year Old Gets his Freak on: Superbowl Half Time Show appeared first on drrobynsilverman.com.