A Journey Toward: Recent Episodes
Nathanael Hofstetter Ressler
Sometimes we must allow moments to be holy
The greetings of geese from a field drainage pond
Silly gifts received from loved ones
The more we allow these moments to be holy
The holier we become...
After all this time
I still have no words
Maybe I never will
Or I never had any to begin with
Perhaps it is for the best
That I have no words
What better way to speak of war
Than wordlessness
Gratitude is a skill
Practiced again and again
Some instances with adroitness
Others with an awkward clunk
But it is a skill nonetheless
Not some gift or natural proclivity
It is born of work and sweat
This practice will cause us pain
The agony of lifting such a weight
But when the muscle fibers of our souls rip
They grow back stronger
Instance by instance gratitude comes easier
The weight we lift seems lighter
It requires less tension from our souls
We carry it as if always there
But if our practice wanes
Old weights once light will weigh on us
All at once we will feel the subtle deterioration
Remembering missed chances and reps skipped
Gratitude is a skill best practiced everyday
Again and again for the strength of our souls
And, so that we might help carry the weights of those around us
It is good to breath in deeply the mercy of God
To allow God's grace to seep into the depths of the soil of our souls
That all our being remembers God's kindness to us
And...
As surely as God's mercy is new
As surely as God's grace saturates my soul
As surely as God holds me in kindness
So too does God desire that I lean more completely into fulfillment,
That I move through the world with discipline
That from my being comes a holy doing
That my work is diligent and purposeful
That in my faithfulness I am an example
That those who need You might find a small piece of You in me.
For Your mercy, Your grace, Your kindness, I am grateful
And in that same gratitude may I do my full portion of the work
I want no more than my hands can hold but let my hands carry all they can
For Your Glory and for Your people
Amen.
God, bless my unproductive days
When I am caught waffling or wandering
Wistfully wayward with whimsical wilt
Misstarts or finishlessness
Stalling or the drive of avoidance
For productivity is not the highest good
Nor grinding pragmatism a human's perfect aim
And while it is, indeed, good for us to work faithfully on tasks before and beyond
To plan and strive and be mindful of the responsibilities we are called to hold
Our unproductive days can be gifts,
For they can remind us this is God's great and wonderful world
Of which we are just a beloved part, called to simply be.
Truly, we must join in the work of bringing the healing and hope of God to this broken and weary world
But let us allow ourselves to bless and be blessed by our unproductive days
It's God's world and work in the end, after all...
I trust You to be present with me
And I am still afraid
I know You will be faithful to me
And I am still unsure
I believe You in all You say to me
And I am still anxious
God, give me courage
Jesus, show me love
Spirit, guide me gently
Grant me confidence even as my hands shake...
I could stand to be a little holier
A little more disciplined
A little more conscientious
A little more particular
That I might move closer toward God's presence
Leaning my head on God's shoulder a little more
Grasping God's hand a little more tightly
Allowing myself to close my eyes a little more in God's presence
A little more close to God
A little more holy
A little more
For each moment of mercy
Gentle reminders of Your presence
I am grateful
May this gratitude grow and bloom
Into faithful discipline
Into abounding love
Into peace-filled conviction
That the petals of myself be opened wide
And I might bask more fully in the light of the Son
I must hold without judgement the resistance within myself
Why am I avoiding this?
Where are the barriers that are keeping me so far off?
What should I do next to address this reality?
It is not wrong to have hesitation or to be uninspired
Some tasks, some processes, some transitions don't invoke joyful fulfillment
It is sometimes okay to sigh and resign myself to what lays before me
I can have a joyful spirit without being happy
It is, perhaps, more often that joyfulness is less about happiness and more about openness
To be open to greet my own internal resistance with faithful gentleness
Open to this resistance revealing to me more deeply who I am
And in turn opening my eyes to the wholeness God is inviting me into
Praise be to God.
Hmm...
Is this the Spirit at work?
Or just coincidence
Hmm...
Does this have to do with who God is making me?
Or is it just happenstance
Hmm...
Could that have been Jesus?
Or just another person encountered along the way
Hmm...
Spiritual awareness often begins with a Hmm
A brief and subtle recognition that maybe, I just encountered the Divine
I must keep my ears and eyes and heart and mind open
Open to the holy practice of noticing
Noticing shifts in myself, words from others, events transpiring in sequence, how the sun light shines on a corn field, when a dove coos, how friends react to situations, meeting new people, engaging difference...
The holy practice of noticing requires that I allow the Spirit to speak to me
Whether through grandeur and complexity or through simplicity and the mundane
That as each moment passes on to the next I might be noticing, as holy things transpire.
Noticing the holy starts with
Hmm...
Complacency is a subtle trap
It will ensnare us in the slowest and gentlest way
Leaving us unaware of just how tied together our feet have become
Then when the times comes for our feet to move
We realize the depth of our entrapment
But only after our fall
May I be ready to walk the road of justice
May I be aware of the snares before me
May I be humble as I continue to grow
My words are not always elegant enough to express what I desire to express
Sometimes all I have are sighs and groans
Expression pacing through my soul and body
Wanting to be let out
In depth and cunning
But simply tumbling out as tapping fingers and exasperation
But, perhaps, the groaning and exasperations are the height of complex expression
Wordless wonders crafting a story that letters couldn't possibly form
Perhaps...
Lord, let me not forget
That I can receive Your mercy in unique and small ways
A cancelled meeting
A satisfying meal
A disappointment
That I might not so complexify Your mercy as to lose sight of it
But remember its newness like a gift
Receive God's mercy
Discern the next faithful step
Remember the Spirit's eternal presence
Breathe, and then do.
Sometimes it is good to have nothing to say
To look within the swirling of heart and soul
And be content with saying nothing
For it is in this nothingness of word
The Spirit does its work...
How strange a feeling
To feel so strongly the call
That it rings in my ears and my heart
It races about my mind and lights up my soul
And yet, to be burdened by my own ineptitude
Surely God calls those who are not enough
No one is perfect, this we know for certain
But my failings are numerous and broad
I have wonderful gifts and strengths
But they seem only to scratch the surface of my call
Do I doubt this strong push, my call?
Perhaps I heard it wrongly
That I made manifest this propulsion
That the path laid before me is missing my feet
That I forge ahead into divergence from ultimate good
I do not doubt my call...
Perhaps I am not humble enough
These failures and faults should not be lamented
But celebrated as signs I am not enough
And in this lack God's work is made manifest
Or perhaps I need more resilience
To weather the constant stumbling of inexperienced feet
My knees and elbows growing calloused from catching my many tumbles
That I must assume my palms will be imbedded with gravel as I push myself up again and again
And perhaps all this bemoaning and sighing services me nothing
Or that I am missing the mark to my missing the mark
My head is a swamp...
But I suppose much life springs from and thrives in swamps...
Maybe I am to live in a swamp then
Letting bullfrogs, herons, catfish, mosquitoes, and dragonflies rule the space of my call...
What does that even mean?
What a mess I am...
Spirit, You have a lot of work ahead of You...
I can hardly write a proper poem much less be an effective agent of love, healing, and hope in the world...
I will breathe and try to do my best; You're on for the rest...
Continually unsure
But I suppose that's the nature of faith
What is the next step?
Is this the right direction...
Who could say?
As much as I can I choose to surrender my anxiety
I simply do not know what will happen
Perhaps everything will fall apart
Perhaps all will be lost
Perhaps the very fabric of my life will unwind
I have been in this space before
And things have worked out so far
Perhaps this is the whole "everlasting to everlasting" bit,
Or maybe I missed a sign post along the way...
One way or the other You are present
And You love me and call me Your child
Perhaps that's all I really need to know...
The rest?
I'll leave that for You to figure out
The Spirit goes before us
She rests and sings as we enter in...
Above us and with us
Before us and behind us
Whether on the narrow way
Or lost on another road
The Spirit goes before us
Cherish the good
Gentle warmth during quiet reflection
Laughter around homemade food
Clarity and joy in strange times
With thanksgiving and praise hold these things up to Christ
What lies ahead is a mystery but these times, these moments, of peace are now
Cherish them
May they be small anchors subtly holding our hearts
What is before us is unknown
But let us receive these moments of goodness
As evidence we are profoundly Known
The subtlest shifts
On the most mundane days
These are the real moments of transformation
The seeming incomprehensible growth
Coiling upward
Morning glories racing toward the sun
Slowly
Vine by vine
Determined to lift higher
Closer to The Source
Transforming
Slowly
Subtly
Vine
By Vine
Beautiful all along the way...
We are never nowhere
Here is where we are
Nowhere is not a place we find ourselves
Or somewhere we end up while lost
Whether we are where we are on purpose or on accident
It is not nowhere
Because we are here
And where we are there is no nowhere
We are present and in the presence of the Presence
Regardless of if our minds and souls are present, we are here
We are here with the Presence
We cannot be nowhere
Or nothing
Or no one
Because, we are here.
May this be my soul's song:
"All shall be well
And all shall be well
And all manner of thing shall be well"
Amen.