Time in a Bottle: Recent Episodes
Julieanne Gentz
Multi-tasking is a myth, it seems. Even so, I stubbornly still try to make it happen, and when I do I get stuck in "The Busyness Loop." Taking myself out of this loop and practicing self-compassion is a skill I need to not just talk about, but actually acquire.
There are lots of different anniversaries that we all celebrate. Some are joyous occasions and others not so much. When a spouse dies, the one who is left behind finds themselves face-to-face with one of hardest anniversaries there is. The one that ranks right up there with the anniversary of the person's death -- the wedding anniversary. Ever since my husband died 2 years ago, I have tried to do something to make that day a little more bearable. The first year I bought a necklace, but I also sat in my living room and binged watched the CD of our wedding, sobbing all the way through. I've toned down the "celebration" a bit (leaving out the sobbing was the best part), but still try to do something special ... something that, even though Brian is no longer here and we can't celebrate our wedding anniversary together, there still is so much to be thankful for in the 27 years we spend together.
As human beings, we don't often have a choice about whether or not we want to leave our comfort zone. So, when we are given the choice and we are a bit skeptical as to whether or not we want to take a leap into the semi-uncomfortable, it's probably a good time to say, "I can do this!" So, that's what I did. I left the world of "all things familiar, some of which I had never heard of" (aka, Brian dying) behind and took off for 3.5 weeks in Vienna, Austria with my daughter and family. I have been here a week and am finally getting my brain and body reset enough to do some thinking and writing. Besides physically being in a foreign country right now, emotionally I have been in a "foreign life" for the past 2 years since Brian died, and some days (weeks? months?) I feel like I am totally lost. So "Where in the World Am I?" fits my life in a couple of different ways right now. The easy one is where I am geographically. The really difficult one is where I am emotionally. I know I take a plane home, but getting out of the emotional piece, the part where grief has been an unwanted houseguest, is a totally different conundrum.
Touch. It is so important in each of our lives. In fact, most of the time it is one of those niceties of life that we take for granted. In fact, I am tempted to wonder if perhaps we don't remember the times touches were bad, rather than the small, seemingly "just part of life" ones that happen randomly throughout or day. There are so many things that we lose from our life when our spouse dies, and all of those touches that were part of our lives together are suddenly gone -- forever. It's yet another adjustment we must make to life without our spouse. One that I really haven't read much about, but which I definitely find myself missing. Just seeing a couple holding hands can trigger a memory, a sense of loss, a resurgence of grief. How truly blessed we are to have loving touches in our lives.
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/03/22/marking-time-2/
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/01/20/being/
Sometimes the best way to help ourselves is by helping others. Lucky for me I had the opportunity present itself to me at exactly the right moment, and the difference it made in my outlook was amazing!
So many times in the grieving process it feels like we are ambushed and knocked to our knees. The important thing is that we keep getting up and keep on going. Personally, I don't expect the "Cheers to the Wish You Were Here" moments to ever stop entirely, but, rather to lessen in scope and intensity over time. So, I'm learning to smile at the memories they bring back and always be grateful that I have them with me wherever I go. Here's to fond memories. Cheers!
When we lose the very person who is closest to us, in my case, my husband, Brian, it is all to easy to fall into the trap of saying "Yes" to things that we think will help us move forward, but that too often lead down a blind alley that ends at an insurmountable wall of stress. After two years of trying to find myself in old roles, I have decided it is time to stop. To stop saying "yes" to things that I think will remind me of who I am "supposed to be." All that has done is gotten me tired and stressed. So, I have decided to put on the brakes, abandon that search and just grow into the "Me" that I am now. And I am going to make it a beautiful ride.
When we lose the very person who is closest to us, in my case, my husband, Brian, it is all to easy to fall into the trap of saying "Yes" to things that we think will help us move forward, but that too often lead down a blind alley that ends at an insurmountable wall of stress. After two years of trying to find myself in old roles, I have decided it is time to stop. To stop saying "yes" to things that I think will remind me of who I am "supposed to be." All that has done is gotten me tired and stressed. So, I have decided to put on the brakes, abandon that search and just grow into the "Me" that I am now. And I am going to make it a beautiful ride.
Sometimes it helps to move forward if you take a look back. Revisiting where you were and then realizing how far you have come gives much needed perspective. So, join me on a journey back in time to two years ago today when my husband, Brian, started on the long road home . . . and I was left to continue writing my story with him no longer in it.
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/03/29/flashback/
Do you ever wonder where the time goes? Between being a 24/7 caregiver through COVID and the next year losing my husband, I have found it extremely difficult to come to grips with concept of time. It is just one of the many adjustments I've had to make to the new life I now find myself in. But it's all a process, right? And I'm getting there, wherever that is, step by step, one day at a time. The one piece of time that I do understand, however, is that once a year, on April 1, I remember the day Brian died. His struggles with Parkinson's ended, and I met my new companion -- grief. I'm learning to live with it. To make it a friend. To walk hand in hand with it instead of try to run away. It's taught me many things, the most important of which is each new sunrise that you get to see is a gift. Don't take it for granted.
It's a long way back from wherever it is I ended up after Brian died, but I am confident that I am finally beginning to find my way through the grief maze and back to life . . . not all of the time, but enough to be encouraging.
Valentine's Day can be particularly difficult for widows and widowers. Still, on this day and every day, we need to be open to seeing signs that they are still with us, cheering us on as we continue to write the rest of our story. Why do I believe that? Here's one of the many reasons why.
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/02/14/giving-away-my-heart/
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/02/07/revising-happily-ever-after/
Death anniversaries can be tough, especially when you are getting close to one that marks another entire year that your special person has been gone. Today, February 1, is one of those days. I'll get through this one, and the one after that, and the one after that, until I, too, am no longer here to remember them, and my life and death will be remembered by those who loved me in this life. The important thing is that we recognize the significance of these anniversaries, and take time to reflect and reset our sights to the future. As Carl Bard has said: "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2023/02/01/my-favorite-song/
It's the holiday season, and everyone expects us to be jolly, merry, and full of Ho, Ho, Ho's. But, sometimes, try as we might, we just can't dig deep enough and far enough past our grief to find those things. Experts tell us that holidays after a loss are always hard. Other widows/widowers I know, even those whose spouse/partner died what is considered "a long time ago" in non-grief times, say that the holidays are never the same. This is the first podcast in a series dealing with how I am working through this second holiday season after my husband's death. I hope you find comfort and hope in them, knowing that we are all doing the best we can, and in the time frame that works for each of us. Hang in there. We'll get through this . . .
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2022/08/23/the-missing-piece-you/
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2022/08/08/groundhog-day-grieving-style/
This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2022/01/07/your-new-super-power-grief/
Sometimes we just need to stop and regain our perspective. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://timeinabottle.blog/2022/01/19/sometimes-its-hard-to-be-an-eagle/