Friends Abroad Relationship School Podcast: Recent Episodes
Friends Abroad Relationship School
This podcast is about achieving a quality life and quality relationships. Your friend abroad encourages you to dig deeper and identify the root cause of your relationship problems, prioritise your self-relationship before you focus on a difficult romantic relationship.
Concepts applied include :
Emotional intelligence. The root cause analysis. Virtue. Self-love. Childhood trauma and healing the inner child. The dichotomy of control.
Contact from ex dont mean they want relationship, same relationship or relationship will be healthy
Do not avoid the pain. Go through it and move through it and find a way to move forward
You can't make anyone do anything Dichotomy of control If you find yourself repeating your boundaries to a partner, it's called, trying to make something happenIt's subconsciously a scare tactic, a form of manipulation and control.This is about trying to change someoneInstead of pushing for changes, the strike system might workDetach Give them opportunity to make changesYou may express yourself 2-3 timesIf no change, let it go or let goWhen people get into a relationship, they know their responsibility to feed relationship container. They know what they set out for. A partner in a relationship is impacted by you, just as you are impacted by them. That is how they feel prompted to meet or address your needs. They do this without self-betrayal also. They honour themselves. Yet, they do not disregard your needs. If a partner is not making an effort to meet your needs or communicate why they cannot, they are making a choice to exclude you.You cannot make anyone do anythingConsider how much of what your are communicating means to youIf you have given them opportunity and there are no changes, it is up to you to either lay the issue to rest or let them go.If you lay an issue to rest, parent yourself to avoid resentment. If you cannot let go of resentment, let go of the relationship. You cannot keep repeating yourself to someone, otherwise the relationship can turn abusive. What can I do while my partner isn't doing what I want them to do? Focus on yourselfGet into a routine that benefits youCreateHobbiesBe in the momentMeet friendsHelp othersWhen your partner is coming towards you, sort out whatever needs sorting outYou only have now!
Conditioned anxiety and the absent parentAbsence of a parent leads to conditioned anxiety and inability to self-regulate. Even for a child who is resilient, the initial loss is debilitating. Child feels let down when parents are absent, even when they pass away. Kids can not understand or process the reasons for their parent leaving or passing on. Children are naturally entitled, because their brains have not developed to process such data. And naturally, they need nurturing from their caregivers.They developed separation anxiety, and might become insecure attachedSome children become overly independent and grow up quickly These children suppress their needs and wants for fear nobody cares. They fear attaching to another person due to fear of being abandoned again. Others become overly clingy on existing or replacement caregivers to avoid rejection. They might hold on despite abuse or poor treatment. Some children have a mix of these characteristics due to how they were looked after by their caregivers, or how they might be looked after by replacement or existing caregivers.Without support or healing, these children may exhibit these qualities in adult relationships. Consequently relationships will be dysfunctional and unhealthy. Heal the inner child to connect with yourself and for healthy relationships.Heal abandonment woundsBe the parent you needed when you were a childInvest in a support groupCreate boundaries and say no to wean yourself off unhealthy relationships
5 self-assessment questions to prevent habitually reacting in life1. Is there anything bothering me that might cause me to bleed on others 2. Is anything bothering me that I might bring into interactions & bleed on others?3. Am I equipped to deal with this situation right now?4. Does this situation warrant my response?5. What if I do nothing?
A Stoic reflection"Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." EpictetusFor all of us, life does not flow serenely without any hitches and glitches. In fact, thr opposite is true. Life challenges us daily, but we allow it to happen and then choose how to best tackle what happens with dichotomy of control. "If you wish to live a life free from sorrow, think of what is going to happen as if it had already happened." EpictetusFor example, the amount of time we could spend complaining or venting is spent reparenting and objectively evaluating the trigger with a journal.Yes, we need support and after going inwards, we can also reflect on how best to reach out to someone safe in a community for co-regulation."If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you?" Epictetus This is a muscle we have to strengthenWe are not going to overnight become experts at self-regulation. However, we need to practice.Each trigger is an opportunity to self-reparent. Use each trigger as fuel for transformation. "Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." Epictetus
Themes Episode 46 Trauma in the screen Film : Knives out. The Glass Onion ThemesLow self-esteem leading toToxic friendshipsFame & wealth at any expenseSocial media toxicityHabit of stealing other people's ideasKilling others to hold on to power and fame
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.
As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.
We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!”
― Charlie Chaplin
Episode 44 : Trauma on the screen Film : Everything but a man
Theme Career success, relationship challenges Undefined relationships- FWB Taking boy energy from work into relationship Cognitive bias Betrayal Abandonment trauma Settling Immigration trauma
Film: The Scandalous four
Themes 19th century romance Authoritarian parent Marry for £ Marriage of convenience Societal norms: Hangings/LGBT Modernise Wealth/emotional literacy Best of both worlds
Characteristics of attachment Safe haven- A partner accepts, understands, sees you. Separation anxiety- Manageable anxiety when partner is away Proximity maintenance- Safe space to grow. Partner's attitude reassures on return Secure base- You come back to a peaceful & loving home https://t.co/ULjSFIzw83
Tools Appreciate your body daily! Occasionally thank each body part for what it does! The body listens & keeps score Respect it & speak to it kindly Move Rest Self-hugs Massage Mind what you put in it Not using sex to cope Your body houses the whole of you. Make it safe for you https://t.co/kaz8Dfn9tS
Find out what interferes with your stillness Parent yourself Find a safe space in which to be still Find a circle for meditation and stillness Create a morning self-care routine and night routine. Worth is not found in doing. You can rest and be still. Schedule "doing nothing" time. Segment intending
June 8 Intentional Healing
- Communication is two way If you want others to respond or debate with you, acknowledge them too.
When you are trying to engage someone or to promote conversation, it is important to be responsive.
Additionally, in relationships and friendships, how you respond has a bearing on your relationship outcomes.
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today
Meditation Improves the mind body gap Look for different types on YouTube. Practice meditation first thing in the morning, for 5 to 20 minutes.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 08/06/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1798866237120505/
Accountability day 8
Great days are created. They do not just happen.
Set an intention!
At work we promise ourselves how great we will peform. We can do that too for our existence
Wake up to yourself and repeat gratitude, take 5 to 10 deep breaths in and out, do a 5 to 20 minute medication, repeat affirmations while hugging yourself in front of the mirror, Cathartic shake Laughter
Set an intention Since you know that life is full of uncertainty, Today is going to be a good day! To acknowledge your feelings, There will be different kinds of people in different kinds of moods, But it is your intention, to focus on how you want to feel.
Make an effort to match the state of people you want to meet today! Your environment will reflect what you need to adjust.
To maintain that intention, Segment intending. Plan each segment! The walk to work will be invigorating. Before the next segment boundaries, The next meeting will be fun with great people and we will keep our time!
Kindness and compassion: "That did not feel good, but they might be going through a lot to do that!" Forgiveness: "I feel hurt by your actions. Hopefully we can both reflect so that we move forward." Less complaining- Parent and soothe and avoid circles that enable complaining.
When triggered SIFTSEM
Simple SIFTSEM approach
What happened and what am I feeling? Score from 0 calm to 10 very distressed What other issues might be worsening my distress? What are the sensations, Images, Feelings and thoughts Why am I feeling this way about what happened? Soothe, ground like a child with kind words, self-hugs, calming teas or oils. Replace your negative thoughts Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Create solutions for the short and long term. Shake it off with catharsis Score yourself. Journal or do this via video or audio.
At the end of the day , evaluate your day/intention! Did I honour myself? What happened if not? Praise yourself for going through the day Gratefulness for the day! Set an intention for tomorrow Count backwards from 100-0 Hug yourself goodnight
May 30 Intentional Healing
- Focus on your goals Do not be distracted. In our circles, in families and in public, there are those who say it is possible, they go and do it. There are those who wish to try, they try. Then there are people who will say it is impossible. Even when they have not tried.
“Do not think that what is hard for you to master is humanly impossible; and if it is humanly possible, consider it to be within your reach.” Marcus Aurelius
Exercise the muscle Start small. Detach
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today Setting an intention
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 30/05/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
May 26 Intentional Healing
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Abandonment and self-sabotage Due to abandonment trauma, we might struggle with rejection, so we control outcomes. To protect ourselves and prevent abandonment. In the very act of trying to protect ourselves, we end up pushing others away. We put pressure on them. Heal and parent the inner child Reflect on the origins of the abandonment in childhood. SIFTSEM.
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today Setting an intention
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 26/05/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
May 24 Intentional Healing
- Bitterness and resentment
These prevent us from moving forward. We cannot heal unless we let go. We cannot grow, unless we release the anger and use it to create solutions in our best interest. Holding grudges Passive aggressive behaviours Labels , all lead to avoiding responsibility and staying in victim mode. Heal the inner child
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today Setting an intention
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
May 17 Intentional Healing
- Learning to live a peaceful life
Dichotomy of control Healing the inner child Trusting and allowing the universe and others. Self-care with SIFTSEM. Living with gratitude and appreciation. Detachment and letting go
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today Gratitude
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
May 10 Intentional Healing
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What would you like to see in the people around you? Your partner, your children, your friends? Write down those qualities. Are you inspiring that in them through your actions? Do you believe that it also matters for them to get it? How can you start to do right by you, and inspire people around you?
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today Deep breathing exercises
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
Episode 37
Trauma on the screen - Film : The women
Meg Ryan Eva Mendes
Annette Benning Jada Pinkett Smith
Debra Messing Cloris Leachman Carrie Fisher tribute India Ennenga Candice Bergen Bette Midler-Fansite Joanna Gleason
Secrets in friendships Secrets in families and their impact on children Superiority complex and the belief that looks and money matter in a relationship more than character Pretense that nothing happened post break up is not a solution The unmet need to be needed - Mary's mother Tests of our friendships Ganging up against a "friend's enemy" An approach or boundary that helps relationships Meeting the other woman - Things you do not say that your mother taught you! It is not about the other woman. It is also important to be conscientious. Excuses men make when they cheat Things men do not want to hear - She wants you for your money, or some such words. Minimising an affair
What people might do post break up Selling News or Magazines can lead to self-betrayal - The revenge subject by Annie Karma Health and lifestyle Relationship and healing retreats
How children might respond to issues in the home. The retreat Investing in the self The retreat Leah : Repeating patterns even when someone is successful in other areas of life
Catherine Fraser - Plastic surgery Secrets Regrets - Status versus sense of self
Supporting daughter Mind games with Crystal Step children
Sylvie - Driven , career woman Struggles with children
Mary - Housewife to a wealthy guy who is cheating
Parenting Molly and putting off support for daughter Molly now being influenced by Magazines
Tanya - Good at what she doss but talks and passes on information that
Celebrity culture and influence
Saks shop
Crystal - Dating a married man and thinking that she is better than the wife
Edie - A mother and also history of betraying her marriage. Unconventional marriage and husband moved out because he needs space so she looks after kids alone.
Carrying on mother's tradition
Fired by her father
Had to find her own path
Dorothy Parker - Lesbian and dating a Natasha with unhealthy habits, food and anger and attitude. Struggling to meet deadlines
Maggie - A committed housekeeper- She maintained a boundary when Mary wanted her to stand in for her.
https://youtu.be/QBu-400ZBco
Your issues start when your inner child is in charge. If you train your inner child to sit, you inner child behaves. It is a process
Day 30 April Intentional Healing
- SIFTSEM tool benefits
Awareness of triggers and triggering situations.
Awareness of pretriggers and cognitive distortions that lead to behaviours.
Solutions for situations you encounter.
Management of triggers Minimising triggers Eliminating impact of many triggers. Reducing impact of some triggers. Parenting before triggers. Avoiding triggering situations
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
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Grounding activity today
Put your feet down Feel the ground beneath you. Put your palms on your thighs Scan your body Name your bodily sensations. Use affirmations. Move your eyes from side to side.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 29/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1799595910380871/
Day 29 April Intentional Healing
- Being in the moment or the power of now! Focusing on what is in front of you
This is a Stoic concept. However, the Stoics had different tools which worked together to improve presence. We also require the best approach and tools. Without tools and an understanding of what it means to be present, we can bypass emotions.
Being present requires practice of self-parenting foremost, and then once proficient, it becomes easier to manage ourselves and come back to the now.
Self-parenting is being present.
Ways we practice a quick return to presence or mindfulness Observing thoughts and reframing Boundaries Less complaining more parenting. More forgiveness and more presence. More letting go and more feeling. SIFTSEM
Marcus Aurelius said, "Do not be anxious. Nature controls it all. Soon you will be no more! "
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Meditation Improves the mind body gap Look for different types on YouTube. Practice meditation first thing in the morning, for 5 to 20 minutes.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 29/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1798866237120505/
This month was building up to this day. This was my birthday gift to you!
Day 28 April Intentional Healing
When you are triggered, it can mainly be due to different perspective. Whether it comes in the form of a behaviour, a thought or an attitude, that is where you feel negative emotion.
When you parent yourself, looking into your thoughts and root cause. Then consider what you would like to hear, to see and do that for yourself. Whether you triggers originate in childhood, look into what you would have wanted done differently, and do it for yourself. Speak to your inner child and repeat those words. Take that action for the sake of your inner child. Adjust your mindset for the sake of your inner child.
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Journaling is very grounding. However, your journaling benefits from including emotional healing. Perhaps start with a SIFTSEM, then sit down and start journaling. Once you have parented yourself, focus more on reframing your thoughts and creating fit for purpose solutions.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
Day 27 April Intentional Healing
In each moment learn to ask yourself whether you are in danger or you have a choice to make the best response.
Being triggered is to human, but being reactive is on the other side of being responsive.
If there is a physical attack coming your way, yes, you are in danger, so run! Or find a way to lock doors or defend yourself where there is no other choice.
However, if someone has not texted you, has not answered your call or is not responding to what you are saying, ask yourself if you are in mortal danger?
If someone writes or says something you do not like, do you have to be furious and shout at them or hit them.
Self-care is the ability to assess a sitiation and recognise whether you are in danger or survival mode. Whether you need to learn to feel safe in your body to minimise unnecessary reactions.
People talking about you, you can live. Someone ignoring you is not a matter of life and death. Unless you make it so.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Each morning , or when tired, learn to exercise your facial muscles. Open your jaw wide - up, down, and sideways and open your mouth really wide.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM Exercise and healthy eating
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day. Adequate sleep
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1797383447268784/
Day 26 April Intentional Healing
In each situation ask your what your role, contribution or input is. Learn to step back and observe your situation from a 3rd party's perspective.
Is there anything you are doing or not doing that is contributing to the deterioration of a situation? What can you do differently. Journal a SIFTSEM. Take steps to change. Evaluate yourself daily.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Touch and massages Self-hugs Give yourself a heart massage by gently rubbing your sternum and upper chest—use a nicely scented massage oil if you have some! Foot massages are really nice, definitely try giving yourself one.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
Day 25 April Intentional Healing
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Relationships require time Invest in yourself to know yourself first. When you understand yourself, you can get an idea of the importance others put in their wants. When you invest in yourself, you appreciate that requires work. This is why self-love allows others freedom. When you meet someone, do not rely on superficial data. Invest in getting to know someone. Take your time to study character. If you have rushed and things are falling apart, reset. Detach and start to do things differently.
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Write yourself little love notes, spread them around the house and pick them up00 later. Write yourself a love poem, as if you were dotingly admiring yourself.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1795884367418692/
Day 24 April Intentional Healing
What are we trying to achieve and how do we achieve it when we do this work?
We apply emotional intelligence for healing. Emotional intelligence is our expected outcome also.
Self awareness- Emotional awareness Confidence - Inner child work and trigger management or SIFTSEM.
Self-management - SIFTSEM, self-care and other self-management tools. Emotional self-control Achievement orientation Positive outlook Adaptability
Social awareness - Trigger management about self and others. Empathy Dynamic awareness
Relationship management - Self-care routine and rituals. Conscious parenting. SIFTSEM Conflict resolution Team work Collaboration Change management Influence Inspiration
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Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Setting an intention Segment intending
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1794293814244414/
Day 23 April Intentional Healing
Why you react or has the need to act on something urgently
Anxiety, Urgency and Control
Do you need to do anything right now. To decide right now. Or to take action right now. Is this a life and death situation or is it your anxiety? Can you not wait or can you allow time to process the situation? To act from a place of clarity. Aggression towards a partner or children. Being reactive towards children. Do they benefit or do you even benefit from this behaviour? What are you teaching, what are you inspiring in a partner? Is your behaviour promoting love and connection. Or are you pushing people away and making your children fear you?
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Counting backwards before bed or when triggered
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 23/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1794293814244414/
Day 22 Intentional healing work
- Topic today
Self-parenting requires self-compassion
Have compassion for yourself in any situation. Do no harm to yourself. In that you do not harm others. Look into ways to regulate and manage yourself To minimise triggers. To manage triggers. To soothe. Have a compassionate conversation with yourself. Write a self-compassion letter to yourself. Speak kindly about yourself even as you accept your flaws. Have a compassionate conversation with yourself. Repeat feeling statements I feel upset, and I can parent myself and release the stress to feel positive. I am feeling sad, but I would like to feel safe in my body. I am feeling angry, but if I continue to speak kindly to myself, I will feel much better.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Carthartic shake
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 21/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1792785381061924/
selfreparenting
Communication of a pathological nature- An epidemic
"I just blurted it out! It just came out unexpectedly."
Accompanied with shouting, inability to address the problem directly with the person, judgemental attitudes.
Walking on eggshells, saying yes instead of no or vice-versa, shutting down, repeating what someone said no to, saying things one cannot take back.
Instead of communicating with people, we hide behind texts to say the most challenging things.
When someone wishes to discuss in a relationship, we shut down, then get aggressive in future.
When we want to talk, it is now and it is pressure.
We then want the other person to accept how we communicate and if they leave, we become victims of their "discarding!"
Perhaps they did not feel safe. Because mother too used to shout at them, and they left home because of that.
Yet, if we can recognise that we are not in danger, we can sit with our Unmet needs, process how we feel and schedule a discussion.
What is the rush? Is there any rush to say or do something now? We can then let them choose what is best for them. Without repeating ourselves every Friday. Let them choose. We also need to choose whether this is what we want. The idea is to create a sense of safety around each other.
Blog post here
https://www.friendsabroadrelationshipschool.co.uk/post/when-communication-becomes-pathological
Day 21 Intentional healing work
- Topic today
Parenting yourself before known distressing situations, maybe meetings with people who triggered you before, or a challenging family and work environment.
Learn to use your distress toolkit. Perform a SIFTSEM Set an intention and segment intending. Create the DNA for your encounter. Soothe with hugs, gratitude and affirmations. Cathartic shake. Jaw stretching. Laughter Go in with a positive attitude and smile.
Be consistent. Give things time. People can take long to adjust to your knew attitude.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today
Have a compassionate conversation with yourself. Repeat feeling statements I feel upset, and I can parent myself and release the stress to feel positive. I am feeling sad, but I would like to feel safe in my body. I am feeling angry, but if I continue to speak kindly to myself, I will feel much better.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 21/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1792785381061924/
Day 20 Intentional healing work
- Topic today
Distress toolkit
Emergency first aid box for psychological emergencies
If you are hit by a crisis, what do you do? Do you have a kit to use in those moments? Physical? Grounding object you carry around? A Physical exercise such as carthartic shake, or deep breathing? Touch, hugs, a cuddly toy?
Psychological Any specific approach you can trigger in those moments? Maybe a reframe or thought replacement. A sound such as the vuuuu to distract your thoughts. A safe space for your inner child?
Spiritual A mantra to repeat. A helpful meditation. A specific prayer.
Social An act of self-love that soothes you. The voice or picture of someone who guides you. Someone to reach out to after parenting.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Grounding activity today Use calming oils such as lavender and drink calming drinks such as chamomile tea when distressed.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 19/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1792082677798861/
Day 19 Intentional healing work
- Topic today
Dichotomy of control
The most powerful concept you will require to live a peaceful life. Accept what happens. Focus on what you can control or manage. Your emotions, thoughts, decisions, actions , choices Recognise what you can influence or make recommendations. Let go of what is outside your control, including what others decide or what they choose to do. Let their behaviour be the information you need to make your decision about the situation.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Activity today
Feeling gratefulness. Not to just repeat it. But to feel it and express the feelings that come with it.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 19/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1791329277874201/
Day 18 Intentional healing work
- Topic today Root cause analysis
Everything that you see has a root. Everything you hear or feel or think has a root. Normalise the habit of putting a distance between yourself and your triggers to practice objective evaluation. The fruit you see from a situation started as a seed you planted. Be aware of the seeds you plant in your relationships and life in general. What you put down germinates. When you notice outcomes, retrace how you have been showing up. Behaviour or attitude. Boundaries or lack thereof. Your SIFTSEM requires root cause to find out an Unmet need in childhood.
-
Daily Evaluation Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
-
Activity today Body appreciation Learn to take a few seconds daily to appreciate your body. When you are not working, once or twice a week, appreciate and thank your body parts from top to toe. Your body listens. Speak to it kindly.
To anyone new
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 18/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1789833511357111/
Day 17 Intentional healing work
Maintain a healthy circle in and outside your romantic relationships. Prioritise these circles and allocate their functions. Adhere to these circles and be consistent. Respect other people's time and boundaries. Maintain your own boundaries.
These circles will save your relationship. Avoid the habit of making romantic relationship your everything.
Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
Activity today Tapping with affirmations Emotional freedom technique (EFT) is an alternative treatment for physical pain and emotional distress. It's also referred to as tapping or psychological acupressure. People who use this technique believe tapping the body can create a balance in your energy system and treat pain.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 14/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1789833511357111/
selfhealersdiaries
The little things children do that might end up being a problem for them in adulthood.
Being overly independent when parents are not emotionally or physically available.
Trying to make the parent happy when the parent is going through challenges. They entertain or try to do tasks.
They avoid showing upset to please their parents.
They might agree with everything without expressing their own preferences due to fear or to avoid upsetting parents.
They might look after a parent with addictions, an ill parent and siblings.
They might find ways to make money or to get food.
They create an alternate reality to escape from their stresses Children who are alienated ot feel rejected post parental separation might create a defensive split self. This self arises from distorted parenting practices and the projection of parental anxieties onto the child.
There is more a child might do as an act of denial of their emotions. If adults are not available to hold space and teach the children to express their emotions, these coping strategies will continue in adulthood.
As a parent, recognise your child as a sovereign individual with own emotions and needs. Hold the needs of your child in high regard no matter what you are going through.
Heal for your children.
Day 15 Intentional healing work
Pretriggers
Understanding pretriggers helps you to recognise what might be causing you to behave in some ways at certain or specific times.
Pretriggers include Layer 1. unhealed traumas 2. Relationship triggers or history with someone. 3. Recent stressors 4. Lack of a self-care routine
Ask yourself these questions What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
Activity today Use a stuffed toy or a pillow to parent yourself.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 14/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1788357494838046/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1789098691430593/
Day 13 Intentional healing work
Identify those things that trigger you. The stories that make you angry, irate or repulsed. The situations where you get defensive. Habits you continue with awareness that they are unhelpful
Rather than run away and shelve then away, be curious. What irritates you is trying to point you at the work you need to do.
Yes, you may detach, but sit with it and explore why you feel this way. Recognise the stories you are telling yourself. Parent yourself. Reframe and solutions.
What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
Activity today Progressive muscle relaxation
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 11/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1786862961654166/
Day 12 Intentional healing work
Creating safety in relationships You need to be safe in your life and relationships. You can ensure safety through the way you communicate, you express your needs and the way you show up. Also, through boundaries.
What have you done differently today? What creativity have you explored? Who inspired you today? How did you love yourself with five love languages today? What can you do differently tomorrow?
Activity today Use sense of hearing to listen to different sounds around you, observing how you feel.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 11/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1786084645065331/
Day 11 April Intentional Healing
Love on three levels
Many people struggling in romantic relationships might benefit from learning this concept.
First level Foremost, learn to be self-reliant. To be resourceful. To be able to work out what you need, to be in a position to parent yourself. And then to recognise where you need support. Then to be able to look for fit for purpose support.
Second level To have an immediate circle of support To give and receive love. To make requests for support and to also provide support To express yourself To maintain boundaries. To prevent and manage codependency. Or prevent toxicity.
Third level To be be of service to others To recognise that through the service of others you thrive To be grateful. To share or love with five love languages without expectations.
What have you done differently today that you noted from yesterday?
What creativity did you or will you do today?
How did you love yourself with five love languages today?
Activity today Checking in with yourself. Feeling your feelings. How do you feel right now? How would you like to feel ? Or how can you maintain this feeling? Check in with yourself throughout the day.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 11/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
Love on three levels: Finding love in the right places https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W7SQ5HY/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1AWP8NGYT7ZSGJKS25PV
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1785314595142336/
Day 10 April Intentional Healing
What have you done differently today that you noted from yesterday?
What creativity did you or will you do today?
How did you love yourself with five love languages today?
Activity today
Picture the voice or face of someone you love. What would they say to you right now, or when you are triggered?
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 08/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1784550225218773/
Day 9 April Intentional Healing
Thoughts
If you have constant negative thoughts, here is what might be helpful
Your thoughts are saying something. Do not just ignore them. Or dwell on them for toi long. Balance is key. Acknowledge your thoughts, deal with them and release them.
Learn self-parenting. Sit the with the thoughts.
Articulate the actual trigger question. What is the story from these thoughts? How are they making you feel?
What might be worsening the impact of these thoughts?
Explore accompanying sensations, images and feelings. Thoughts are not alone.
What are these thoughts "saying?" Do you need to solve something? A problem in your life that they are repeating? Create solutions. What steps can you take to resolve this situation?
Apply reframes. What thoughts can you apply to replace these?
Start a self-care routine. Journal, then like a child remind yourself when they keep coming up that you have things in hand. Intentionally apply the solutions you created.
Practice detachment, meditation, the vuu, deep brething, exercise, and other grounding exercises.
Activity today
Gratitude for emotional regulation
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 08/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
The SIFTSEM Journal: The self-healer`s diary to develop emotional awareness and self-management in 90 days. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CRNQDML/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_1PF00S8YF973TEBW4SXT
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1783777321962730/
Day 8 April Intentional Healing
Do not forget the children who are affected too on your healing journey. On your journey to seek relationships. On your journey to heal break ups.
Activity today
The Lions Breath
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date 08/04/2022
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Letting go of guilt and writing a reflection.
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed)
3.Trigger
4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Heal your inner child to connect with yourself!: Self-reparenting to strengthen the self-connection for quality life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08W3F34WG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_76CBEMWTNGCESPRA0HWX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1783007658706363/
Day 5 April Intentional Healing
What behaviours or attitudes have I changed today? Where did I struggle? What will I work on tomorrow?
Introducing love languages Take the test Start giving yourself love daily with all love languages. Touch Quality time Words of affirmations Acts of service Gifts can be something simple from nature
Reminder
Self-care
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection Praise yourself What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1780559385617857/
Day 6 April Intentional Healing
Learn to speak to yourself with compassion
In any situation, after parenting yourself, look into what you need to hear. Speak those words to yourself. During the day, consider how you have spoken to yourself today. Did you tell yourself what you need to hear? How can you change that tomorrow. Decide what special words you can repeat to yourself daily. Each day find something lovely to say to yourself
Self talk includes how you speak to others and about others. Is there something you said that you regret? Practice dichotomy of control. Learn from your words, parent yourself and make Intentional changes. If you can help it, avoid calling others names.
Do not allow jokes where people use mocking and negative words at you. You can normalise demeaning yourself.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_AYXZH81VRGKYQW0WCEVH
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1781332072207255/
Day 4 April Intentional Healing
The secrets Embracing your shadow- Explore your weaknesses and practice acceptance. Dichotomy of control - Focus on what is within your control. Let go of what is outside your control. Repetition - You need you every single time, just like a child needs their parent. Root cause analysis Do not get used to discomfort and being unhappy.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1779767655697030/
Day 4 April Intentional Healing
The secrets Embracing your shadow- Explore your weaknesses and practice acceptance. Dichotomy of control - Focus on what is within your control. Let go of what is outside your control. Repetition - You need you every single time, just like a child needs their parent. Root cause analysis Do not get used to discomfort and being unhappy.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1779767655697030/
Day 3 April Intentional Healing : Full video on YouTube after interruption https://youtu.be/KPYwWW8rO8U
- How do I get there If this is me right now, and this is what I want, how do I get to where I want to be?
Daily self-care with SIFTSEM Journal Detach Seek accountability Use emotions to create solutions. Evaluate behaviour daily. Daily bedtime reflection - Notice a strength and a blind spot you need to work on. Seek honest feedback Set an intention to change tomorrow Dichotomy of control- Let this be about you.
Grounding exercise today Polyvagal exercise
Vagus Nerve stimulation: The basic exercise to clear our way back from imbalance
Lie on your back on the ground. Interlace your fingers and bring them behind your head- right at the base of the skull Look with your eyes to the right until you sigh, swallow, or yawn, and then repeat on the other side. You may blink during the exercise.
Compare your notes about how you were feeling before. After just one practice, does your body feel differently? After several days of practice, what else is changing?
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1779087815765014/
April Intentional healing
Day 2 : What do I want? Me. Not what my children, partner, friends, parents or colleagues want. Me!
Sharing prompts for inner child work. Let us meet daily here to heal. Time varies between 2100 and 24.00. If you are not here, you may still watch the video!
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection Praise yourself What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
Question today : Who am I ?
Day 1. Who am I You cannot know what you want unless you know who you are. Who you are needs to become kindness to you first. Explore your character. Love languages.Attachment styles. The ideal person. Your values and belief system. Your dark side.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1778372222503240/
April Intentional Healing
Sharing prompts for inner child work. Let us meet daily here to heal. Time varies between 2100 and 24.00. If you are not here, watch the video!
Question today : Who am I ?
Day 1. Who am I You cannot know what you want unless you know who you are. Who you are needs to become kindness to you first. Explore your character. Love languages.Attachment styles. The ideal person. Your values and belief system. Your dark side.
Start self-care with SIFTSEM. Morning Gratitude , meditation, deep breathing, Carthartic shake, affirmations, self-hugs, tapping, cathartic shake and setting an intention.
Throughout the day Mindfulness Segment intending Boundaries Less complaining Laughter Forgiveness. Kindness Healthy eating Exercise SIFTSEM
Night Bed time reflection What can you improve, learn from your day.
Welcome to SIFTSEM
Siftem number. Date
Evaluation of last SIFTSEM
Intention of the week
Significance or accomplishments of the day:
Intention for the day :
Self-care needs met: Gratitude. Meditation. Affirmations. Deep breathing. Vision Board. Catharsis. Exercise. Socialise. Boundaries. Journal. Random Kindness.
1.Pause and take 15 deep breaths. 2.Distress temperature from 0 (calm) to 10 (very distressed) 3.Trigger = X 4.Pre-triggers Old. History . Recent triggers List self-care today? S I F T Root cause- One to 5 whys. Up to 3 quite useful
Why to your key issue or dominant thoughts=A Why to answer to A = B Why to answer to B= C Why to answer to C= D Why to answer to D =E E & X = Root cause = Unmet need 10.Meeting needs.
Immediate solutions:
5 love languages and 5 senses : hugs, rocking, calming oils, gratitude, affirmations, thought replacement and role reversal
Intermediate Solution.
Love on three levels Self-care
Second level
Third level
Long-term Solutions.
Distress temperature
Evaluation on intention and developmental needs
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_XXRY91QWKMGGNXE0ESMX
There are reason why you choose a relationship mate. Sometimes it is a trauma response. Whatever it is, ask yourself why?
selfhealingpower
Learn to play well with others for successful romance
Are you the person you want to date, to be in relationship with and to spend the rest of your life with?
It is a challenge to expect to meet a healthy partner, when you do not have healthy behaviours and attitudes. Your partner ends up carrying the heavy load in the relationship.
Look into how you are showing up on three levels
On the first level How do you look after yourself? Your needs? Your boundaries? Your habits? Your attitude towards you first?
On the second level How do you treat your immediate circle? Your partner? Communication? Conflict resolution? Boundaries? Do you maintain your values or do you target people who you deem to be weak and lash out at them.
On the third level Do you have a purpose? How do you treat those who only have to offer you a glance, A smile, Encounters? When you go out on dates with a partner, what do they see? Judgementalism, criticism, superiority, openness, inferiority, appreciation?
While we all love a great partner, it is worth recognising that how we show up is pivotal to our relationship outcomes. That we ourselves need to be as great as what we are seeking!
How we behave and play with others matters. The bottom line being, you are going to be in a relationship with another human being. Therefore your training ground is in relationships with other human beings.
Learn to play well with others!
How to thrive in life whether single, in a relationship, unhealthy relationship or recently broke up.
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Self-reliance. Taking responsibility Financial, Social, Physical investments Love on three levels
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The art of critical thinking. Objective evaluation Solution focused approach Decision making.b
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Unhealthy relationships Applying 1 & 2 for Best interest Problem solving. Recognition of the need to avoid overstaying your welcome.
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Breaking up Preparation Children Dichotomy of control
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Taking the time to be alone Resting the body and nervous system.
selfreparenting
Feeling responsible for a partner.
His happiness, his role, cleaning after him or cooking for him, defending his lack of attention to his children.
It is not your job to cater for him or his wants or take responsibility for his feelings.
When you step on to this territory, you are officially overfuncttioning.
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If he comes back home in a bad mood, you are not responsible for making him happy.
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Maybe your partner leaves dirty clothes wherever he takes them off, or he does not clean up after himself.
The moment you pick up the first batch of clothes, you have officially signed up to cleaning after him.
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When you excuse him for not spending time with children because he puts food on the table.
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Taking care of his mistakes or shortcomings. If he has children with another woman or he has debts or he gambles or acts irresponsible or makes a mistake, avoid acting on his behalf and defending him even when you know how to speak.
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If you both work, you can take turns to cook. If you do not work, he can help by washing up, twice a week, cooking once or twice a week or something.
If there is something you have been doing that you feel resentful for. Stop. Have a conversation with yourself first, and explore where back home you learnt to take care of everyone else except you. Create boundaries. Express yourself.
Most of our relationships are ruined by doing more than we need to do, and not allowing another person to step into their role. This can lead to a feeling of being taken for granted.
Full blog post here https://www.friendsabroadrelationshipschool.co.uk/post/how-you-build-up-resentment-in-relationships
selfreparenting
People and things are on loan
Instead of pondering what you are losing or have lost, consider the opportunity in your loss. We get back what we give out. Everything is on loan. Life gives it to us. If you dwell on the loss you do not see the gain. The solutions.
Sometimes you lose a job, a relationship and things at the same time. It is not bad luck. Life, like a coin has two sides that co-exist. Life happens, and everyone encounters these two sides daily. It is how we all address them or confront them that determines our outcomes.
There is a space created for you to do something or make something or welcome something else.
My strategy is to step back, SIFTSEM and process my feelings. To process my conditioning and address my inner child and soothe the belief of loss. Parent and soothe and then recognise that everything comes from me, from inside. So I start to reframe, to apply higher perspective.
Explore what else this could mean
They were not the best match.
There is something else coming in that space.
Everything is temporary.
What can I learn from this.
I am being saved from something.
If I trust the process, I need to look into the energy I am giving out.
Live in appreciation for what is.
Be in the moment.
Appreciate that I am still alive.
Look around at what I still have. Rather than focus on what no longer is there.
Rather than stay focused on what is gone, what is no longer there, start to revel in what is still available.
You have not lost everything if you are still alive.
Focus on solutions.
What can I start doing differently. Dichotomy of control
How can I practice acceptance. Accept duality
How can I learn to let go? Trust the process. Self-care. Be in the moment.
Replacement exercises. Put something in the place of what you feel you have lost. If you are in a break up, replace them with you. Then seek an accountability person to contact when struggling. Replace routines. Massages for touch Get yourself gifts. Little love notes for your inner child. Hang out with your immediate circle.
Look at opportunities that are coming your way. You will notice then if you are not attached to outcomes or to what is gone.
How can I prepare to welcome what is coming into my life.
Self-care. Maintain a state of appreciation.
Be ok with uncertainty.
Tools for self-management.
Learn the art of letting go. Dichotomy of control
selfreparenting
A major question to ask yourself when faced with a crisis
What do I need in this situation? What would a loving mother do for me in this situation?
Feel your feelings and use them to create solutions.
SIFTSEM
Explore cognitive reappraisal and reframe.
Solutions Think about love on three levels. Do you need a sister in this situation? A mother, a friend, a brother, a grandmother? Access them within you.
On the third level when you get into the world in need of support, the universe will give you what you require.
You will meet a sister , a brother, a father, a mother and am auntie in strangers.
When you meet people, it is not by coincidences that events unfold as they do. People are cooperative components to your desires. People come into your path to meet your needs.
They do not need to be family, friends or people you know. The universe abhors a vacuum, so it simply creates cooperative components along your path.
The idea is not to discount anyone you come across. To listen to all that is coming through. To welcome all who come into your path and observe what lessons or support they bring with them.
You have the resources to meet your every needs. Tune in to your emotions and let them guide you to solutions for your life.
What is standing in the way of you and a healthy relationship?
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Background Situation The past Behaviour
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Management plan Knowledge is not what heals. Applying the knowledge practically daily is key. Rome was not built in a day
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Executing the plan Love on three levels Starting and commiting Acting in your best interest Avoiding self-betrayal
Second level Accountability Boundaries Practicing dating and social skills
Third level Kindness
Blind spots in relationships
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Us and them instead of us versus the problem.
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Being the victim
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Personalisation of feedback
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Not accepting feedback
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Not doing anything wrong
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Being negative and complaining
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Entitlement leading to abuse
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Forever after myth..
Good morning
Remember Meditation Gratefulness Deep breathing Tapping Catharsis Laughter Affirmations and Self-hugs Set an intention
Throughout the day Segment intending, mindfulness, forgiveness, kindness, healthy eating, boundaries, appreciation. Feel those feelings and SIFTSEM.
Bed time reflection Praise yourself. Hug yourself to sleep
An entry for your journal
Whatever you choose to do today will make your future self grateful or regretful
So choose well, because what you do today is like planting a seed for what you want what you want to grow.
So choose the seed that you are planting today make sure that you are going to grow something that you want to harvest in future.
It is important and helpful to recognise that whatever you do in life has been done somewhere else. There similarities with other types of organisms in nature.
So today reflect on the nature of planting things and harvest.
Recognise that your thoughts, actions and your behaviours plant a seed for outcomes that you will experience or notice later on in life.
So what are you planting today? What are you doing that will make your future self grateful?
Start today, because there is no better time to start. Change those thoughts to reframe Change that behaviour that is not in your best interest. Minimise arguing for your limitations or with people. Everything is feedback.
Be more appreciative and notice kindness.
Physical abuse Religious bypassing The church and abuse Sons of abusive fathers Everything has consequences The love above The grief of loss Forgiveness Letting go
Episode 29 Trauma on the screen
Film : Sparkle
Starring Whitney Houston Worldwide Fans Jordin Sparks Carmen Ejogo Tika Sumpter Michael Epps The Real Mike Epps Omari hardwick
A Friends abroad- Relationship School for women on a life mission original edition
Themes
Single parenting
Strict or protective parenting
Cognitive distortions in parenting
Pressure to marry
Pressure to succeed
Talented people
Toxic relationships
Looking out for family
Sacrifices for family ( A codependency)
Crimes of passion
Following own paths.
When parents realise their errors
selfhealersdiaries
The contest for the good guy label
Following a relationship break down, a contest might ensure, as to who is right or wrong. The contest might be about which one of you is better or worse. This comes from a need to be right in some cases, so you might want people to see you as the good guy. Alternatively, you might take all the blame due to self-doubt.
It can feel like there is so much relief in putting the blame of relationship failure on the doorstep of a partner. However, here are some points to reflect on if you are blaming the person you are with, or you were with. Or if you are blaming yourself.
When we are children, we might be exposed to injustices. Due to powerlessness, we have no choice, but to put up with the behaviours of our caregivers.
When we grow up, we begin to understand choice and freedom.
While our childhood adverse experiences may lead us to end up attaching in trauma bonded situations, we have no-one to hold accountable for our choices. We might assign blame, bit when it boils down to truth, we make many choices in our adult lives.
Even though we might have mother or father to blame for root cause, that still does not change the fact that we choose our partners. Only we , as individuals have to take charge and improve our relationship outcomes.
Before you blame a partner you live with , recognise that you are still choosing to stay with them, being aware of their unhealthy patterns.
Before you complain about their behaviour and point fingers about their dysfunctional behaviour, reflect on why you still stay put.
The point I am inviting you to reflect on is what you consider to be the difference between the two of you?
Why are they to blame, and you are not, yet you are still trying hard to change them, to have them speak to you?
Why are they to blame if you are sleeping with them? Why would you a healthy individual, continue to sleep with an unhealthy toxic individual?
Why are you to blame for everything that happened in the relationship. You were not alone. It takes two.
If you find yourself assigning all responsibility of relationship demise to yourself, then consider that you cannot mess up the right thing.
The bottom line here is, which one of you is a victim, and who is not? Or are you both victims of circumstances that you are both co-creating.
We understand that in the end, someone will be viewed as worse than the other one depending on who is speaking and who is listening. In some cases, one of you of course, might end up worse off, especially if there is physical abuse involved. However, the bottom line is that there is more to unpack in a toxic dynamic.
Your partner might also believe you to be the toxic person. They might even tell other people things about you that will make others sympathise with them.
They might also be aware of how much they contributed to the unhealthy dynamic. So, do not beat yourself up and lay all blame on you.
The important invitation is to avoid fixation on one of the many wrong choices you made. You drive down a wrong street, make a wrong turn or even have an accident when you drive while tired. The idea is to recognise that you are alive to learn from an ended or unhealthy relationship. To recognise that a relationship might have reached its end date for you to focus on other things and people.
The idea too, is to give up the competition, or the contest to be right. People do not really care on a deeper level. They might just nod along. Besides, even if they support either of you, the problem is yours to solve.
Learn to be radically honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you are or were the right fit. Ask yourself why are you sticking around if they are unhealthy. Ask this question to understand yourself better, then seek help to work on yourself.
The fact that you stay around a person you call toxic is not their fault. You stay because of an unhealthy part of you that resonates with theirs.
C
Drama is a relationship killer
In romantic relationships and friendships, being dramatic can be your undoing.
Drama shows up as adaptive behaviours that you developed in your young years to be heard, acknowledged and understood.
Whenever you want to make a point and you do not feel that you are likely to succed, you might find ways to push your agenda.
Drama can be a turn off to people around you.
Here is how you might be dramatic Consider how we behaved as children from infancy to school going age.
This shows up in our ;
Attitudes Behaviours Spoken word.
To manage drama
Be aware of who you are and what makes you do what you do. Recognise what you want. Learn to parent yourself when you feel the sensations of drama rising. Make decisions in your best interest Learn healthy communication. Express your needs appropriately. Give people space to show up for you. If people are not showing up, that is a reflection of how they feel about your request. Remember, there are people out there who will meet your needs. Do not dwell on those who cannot.
SIFTSEM is on Amazon
The SIFTSEM Journal: The self-healer`s diary to develop emotional awareness and self-management in 90 days.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CRNQDML/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_WFW3RH61CGQEFR161XEG
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_43Y06D7G0GZCFFM6GNAP
selfhealersdiaries
Overcoming learned helplessness
Access your inner resources
Seek support to learn decision making.
Use tools and feel your feelings.
Learn solution focused rumination
You are capable, able and in a position to choose what is life giving just as you are choosing what you are doing presently.
The only difference is that you have learned certain behaviours and practised them for a while.
It is not the other person or other people you need to go to for answers to do things differently. It is a decision you have to make.
selfreparenting
Why we need tools
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The shortness of life.
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Life is only now
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Life will happen and people will do what people do
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You cannot control others, only yourself.
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To be human is to feel and think. We are wired to think negatively, and we need tools if we are to live peacefully.
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You cannot run away from negative emotions and thoughts. You need them for clarity.
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A knee jerk life is an unhappy life.
SIFTSEM is on Amazon
SIFTSEM TOOL- Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.: A solution focused emotional-regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for triggers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08TQCYC7G/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_VW1DCY7A5ET3KKB0J2JE
What healing requires
Honesty
Intention to heal
Being prepared to commit to the hard work
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Learning grounding techniques
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Doing the inner child work
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Virtue
Self-assessment, feedback and self-evaluation.
Releasing old patterns intentionally
Sensations , Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin shake, Meeting Unmet Needs
selfhealersdiaries
Why we struggle to move on from unhealthy relationships
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Lack of root cause awareness.
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The roots run deeper. That is what we know.
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Fear of being alone
5 Lack of tools
- Lack of support.
You provide yourself with a secure base. You feel safe in your body. Join www.friendsabroadrelationshipschool.co.uk for intentional healing this month
Response to this post by Jasmin Birdie Coffey
So my man and I are long distance and I am struggled keeping in connection with him, since he can't keep plans even to have a phone call or zoom chat or plan anything it seems right now. I usually try to fill my time & try not to wait, but honestly I wait anxiously. I told him the other day that I'd rather be surprised than expect a call & it not happen. He over commits to his life in the physical (work, 3year old, family etc.) I love him, I really do, he is so much of what I've asked for & yet...I feel empty about waiting for connection & nothing to look forward to...I've talked many times with him about it...I am getting used to just not expecting, but that doesn't feel good in a relationship 😕 😔.
Solutions
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Long distance relationship....Look into emotional unavailability
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Uncertainty...Do you have a long distance relationship plan?
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Learn to invest in yourself to avoid waiting anxiously for a partner.
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Lack of consistency....Act in your best interest
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Feeling empty and nothing to look forward to...Love yourself.
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Potential...Abundance mindset.
7...Talking many times...Avoid convincing mode.
selfhealersdiaries
Reclaiming responsibility. Towards healthy relationships
If we do not start taking responsibility, we are creating generations of women that love too much and men that are emotionally unavailable.
As we reflect on our attitudes towards relationships, we need to reflect on the role we are playing towards shaping future Relationships.
Before we point fingers at men, we need to start taking responsibility for our choices. We are adults. We need to identify that our children are relying on us to learn relationships. We are also the same women with sons who we are putting labels on, sons and daughters who end up incarcerated due to trauma, and daughters who love too much.
What we need.
Change behaviour Change mindset Change our feelings.
Assess yourself and what you are doing that is not serving you. Or assess what leads to the dysfunctional dynamics in your relationships.
Behaviour
What behaviours are not helping you right now. Stop and adjust.
Start now and begin to detach and pause. Begin to do less and be more. Begin to learn to be an observer not action oriented. Be OK with not being right. Begin to focus inwards. Trust and allow others to do what is best.
Mindset and feelings.
Work on self love. Prioritise yourself Start love on three levels to have a sense of purpose towards something.
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Self-care to commit to yourself. Learn emotional regulation, decision making, and reflection. Feel your feelings and find out why you feel what you feel, and act as you do. Apply reframes to think and create solutions to act differently.
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Ask for help in your immediate circle.
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Help others. You are part of a large whole.
If you only change behaviour without a mindset shift and paying attention to your feelings, you might go back to your old patterns because you do not understand why you do what you do.
It takes time to change how you feel and think. It requires practice. This is why you need to do SIFTSEM.
In fact SIFTSEM will help you with change of all three. Because you learn to pause before action, and even after to reflect. You access your feelings and listen to your thoughts. You then understand why you are thinking as you are and reframe. You can then take appropriate action, even if it is to correct a previous action or learn from it.
Your future relationships are relying on your healing. Healthy partners are relying on your healing. Your quality of life is relying on your healing.
Recurring theme Dissociative identity disorder. Also Manic depression. Effects of loss on personality
Tools for self-management How do we stop loving too much?
We go back home to "mother!" We get the love we did not get in our early days to avoid looking for it in the wrong places when we give to get.
We identify our behaviours, attitudes and thoughts that push us to love too much.
We access the inner parent each time we are about to act in ways where we are loving too much!
We access tools.
The SIFTSEM
Accessing your inner mother to address triggers, life questions and situations.
Sensations, Images, Feelings, Thoughts, Soothing, Endorphin Release, and Meeting Unmet Needs.
A solution-focused emotional regulation and cognitive restructuring tool for managing triggers.
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Trigger
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Trigger score
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Deep breathing
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Pretriggers
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S...Sensations
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I..Images
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F. Feelings
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T..Thoughts
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a) Root cause- Three to Five Whys b) Match answer with an unmet need.
Unmet needs.
Autonomy, Acceptance, Independence, Freedom, Attention, Love, Safety, Fun, Consistency, Respect, Peacefulness, Predictability, Being liked, Be needed, Being valued. Being right, Being treated fairly, Being in control. Feel included., To be understood, Love. New challenges, Order, Balance.
- M..Meeting needs
Applying the dichotomy of control
a) Immediate solutions- Goal- Grounding
i) Soothing with five love languages and five senses. Hugs, rocking, words, calming smells,gratitude, deep breathing, Catharsis. ii) Reframes - 1. Role Reversal 2. Thought Replacement
b) Short term solutions Goal- Improve emotional baseline. Minimise risk of triggers and reduce impact.
i. Love on three levels - You. Daily self-care with SIFTSEM to minimise and prevent triggers. Immediate circle. Greater good.
ii) Situation specific solutions.
c) Long term Goal - Eliminate and minimise triggers or reduce impact.
i. Sustainability of routine and embedding tools in daily life. 1. Consistency with Love on three levels and self-care 2. Evaluate short term goals
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Endorphin/ Cathartic shake
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Trigger score
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Journal
selfhealersdiaries
How does self-love help you to build healthy relationships?
- Self-worth to value yourself
2.Self-trust to build the foundation of compassion and respect.
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Respect for dignity.
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Compassion for emotional self-control and empathy
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Reciprocation for vulnerability and holding space.
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Self-responsbility for letting go and allowing choices.
Communication
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Quality time.
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To hear him say "I love you!"
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For a ring
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Faithfulness
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Respect.
Staying in unhealthy situations, Being persuaded to stay, Begging someone who treated you badly.
You know what car to choose, what to dress to wear, but not what decision to make for peace of mind.
It is behaviour you need to pay attention to. It is what you want you need to focus on.
selfhealersdiaries
Online dating profiles to be mindful of
Too long No description in profile. The married or partnered. Too negative. Complaining.Venting.Emphasises dislikes. The rude/abusive person No manners. Confused. Emphasis on beauty, handsome, money, or externals. Pushing boundaries. Mentions sex straight away. Hot and cold. Goes away then comes back after a while. Does not ask you about yourself Does not talk about themselves Conversation does not move out of the website.
Share more of yours.
SIFTSEM is on Amazon https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08SJLYZWV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_NC0WG4GA8JV96P4D8FTC
You don't. You simply set a standard by which you are loved and then take it from there!
selfreparenting
Correction - One sided spirituality favours absolute over relative truth.
Spiritual bypassing
Spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks". The term was introduced in the early 1980s by John Welwood, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist. Wikipedia
Types of Spiritual Bypassing
We all benefit from becoming enlightened and interconnected by setting ourselves on fire to eliminate false beliefs, illusions and separating desires, ideals, and prejudices. Here we share spiritual bypass types that we sometimes do not recognise (or refuse to recognise) in life.
Blame Bypass
As we grow spiritually, we begin to see through the lies, delusions, and crazy behaviours of others, making us angry, downhearted, and frustrated. When we face challenges, we start blaming others, instilling ourselves with a false sense of righteousness, taking away our responsibility to look inside and work on ourselves due to fear and avoidance.
- The Horoscope Bypass
This bypass is when we frequently look outside of ourselves for help, allowing predictions and guidance to control our lives' outcomes using Horoscopes and Psychics. We then fail to tap into our inner wellsprings of wisdom and strength and allow external predictions to control our lives' outcome.
The Prayer Bypass
When we use prayer to avoid personal responsibility to solve all our problems and issues, it can easily become limiting and misguided.
Intellectual Bypass
The use of logic and intelligence to avoid addressing emotional issues can be rationalizations in psychology. Most people who get into their heads are " clever" and want to reason everything out. They are the same people who can also struggle with emotional control.
Premature Transcendence
In this bypass, we try to rise above humanness and dismiss feelings, relational, developmental, psychological issues. We can avoid ego development needs and our lives' challenging emotional issues by circumventing self-development while claiming to be spiritual.
The Optimistic Bypass
Forced optimism and positivity where people love to laugh and smile, an effect of anger-phobia, or the inability to deal with negative emotions. Optimism bypass disregards negative emotions. We cannot take away all our sadness, anger, fear, and other unpleasant feelings with positive thoughts.
The Aggrandizement Bypass
Self-aggrandizement is the process of promoting oneself as being powerful and important. In this bypass, we might delude ourselves and mask our deficiencies and insecurities.
Disconnection Bypass
Disconnection bypass is when someone may avoid connections. They may appear cold and overly detached. They avoid feelings, community, family, nature, religion, or society..
The Guru Bypass
It is beneficial to follow a motivational speaker or spiritual teacher to learn and grow without worshiping them knowingly or unknowingly. They are just as human as all of us and as flawed as we all are.
Venting bypass Venting is helpful and needed to let off steam, but if it becomes a way of coping, we can get useless feedback from people who do not want to hurt our feelings.
Overly self-sacrificing
Serves others out of obligation or personal responsibility to feel needed by being a do-gooder or a people pleaser.
Compensatory identity.
Compensatory bypassing involves covering up a lack of identity or lack of self-worth by becoming a spiritual healer or spiritual practitioner. Rather than do inner healing work, to address low self-worth and not feeling good enough and lack identity, someone becomes a coach or healer.
One-sided spirituality One believes in absolute truth over relative truth, which is a one size fits all approach with no room for error.
Memories of my mother - Why am I thriving? I had a mother!
selfreparenting
Get turned off by bad behaviour
When you have tackled the larger part of your inner stuff or " healed trauma" and are still healing life daily, that comes with an awareness of what matters and what does not.
This is a typical feature of self-love. Choosing what is in your best interest.
When you love yourself, a partner picking fights does not trigger you. It is simply a turn off.
When you love yourself, and you do not feel understood in your relationship, you do not take your partner’s negative attitude personally. You SIFT through it, and if you start getting triggered frequently, you know it is a trauma bond. You do not need to keep efforting to be heard.
When you encounter anything unwanted in a relationship, rather than throw a tantrum, you can get lazy and do nothing.
If you love yourself , you do not wrestle with an aggressive partner. You tune out, switch off , get bored and get out.
Rather than beg, demand, order or force, you are content to retreat within and give yourself whatever they could not give you.
If you do not feel that a partner is not meeting your needs, you do not fight to be seen. You get bored of it all and see yourself out.
When you love yourself, drama is a turn off. You just get bored with it, and travel at the speed of lighting into your own inner sanctuary and have fun there.
When you love yourself, you can stop feeling the need to explain yourself to people. It just feels like it requires too much energy.
When you love yourself and a partner is behaving badly, you lose interest.
When you love yourself, you accept yourself flaws and strengths. You address both without needing to hustle for your worthiness by being hard on yourself. You learn to ignore put downs with compassion.
When you love yourself, you learn that you are a niche. You do not need to compete with anyone. Any competitive situations invite compassion.
When you love yourself, you do not try to prove yourself in a relationship. You shut shop if there is any behaviour that you suspect might lead you to question your worthiness.
When you love yourself, and you feel there are too many people in your relationship without prior agreement, rather than fight for a slot or space, switch off the relationship, and focus on yourself.
When you love yourself, a partner not maintaining consistent contact is a turn off. Rather than try to ask to be acknowledged, you just get bored with their behaviour.
This is because , when you love yourself, you do not feel that anyone is responsible for your feelings. You equally recognise that you are not responsible for everyone or anyone's feelings. Yet, you can still be compassionate even from a distance.
Loving yourself means recognising the shortness of life. You would rather spend your life pursuing your interests and being in the moment than being recruited to wars people are having with themselves.
Because if you engage in those wars, you are at war with yourself and that means you have disconnected from yourself, from the source within you. In short, you are not loving yourself!
So, understand the emotional currents of your relationship early on. Even now , it is not too late.
Rather than feeling triggered constantly, look out for yourself. Get bored with all, get turned off by the bad behaviour, tune out and get out!
selfhealersdiaries
Will he or she cheat again?
This is a question that might arise for a few reasons.
What did you do when he or she cheated last time?
Why did they cheat last time. ( No excuse but cheating is a sympton.)
What does the dynamic look like?
How do you feel in yourself? Your inner security and self-relationship
Do you trust yourself and your judgement?
selfhealersdiaries
Does your ex care?
Experience has taught me that this question does not help you in the long run. It is probably one of those questions that you need to refrsme. Does he miss me? Why does he move on so fast?
People move on, not because they are ignoring the fact you had a relationship. They move on because life goes on. Because people are on loan. Because we all have our priorities, and an ended relationship is just that - ended, and therefore no longer a priority.
It does not mean they do not think about you. It just means you are no longer on the top of the list where you were before. It also means you need to do the same, because that is helpful for you.
The idea is to learn acceptance. A break up is a container that requires addressing. Try to create the space to let it unfold in order to process the grief to allow yourself to move forward without owing anything in the past.
Seek help to heal your emotions. Learn to sit with your triggers and SIFTSEM. Start to invest in yourself. Invest in your interests. Do the things you were unable to do in your relationship. Love on three levels. Give yourself the love you are looking for in them. Grieve and move forward. There is a life to be lived, places to be visited, people to see and foods to be sampled.
Why do people struggle? Because they do not have tools to grieve in a healthy way. To grive and practice acceptance of the choices of others.
To balance grief with appreciation for what they still have. The one thing we take for granted, that they are still alive despite this temporary loss. That they are still here. To live another day. To love another minute or another person one day. That it is possible.
Besides, we have been misled to think that romance is the be-all and end-all of love. That we need to be with someone forever to be happy.
Or the love you want to give them. Look for other relationships in friends and family, and the greater good to invest in.
Sit with your emotions and ask yourself what you are feeling and why. SIFTSEM and Journal.
It is reasonable to miss someone, but at some point we need to acknowledge that our abandonment wounds from the past might be coming to haunt us.
It is time to let go. Heal the past. To accept the choice of the ex. To choose yourself and not abandon yourself in chasing them.. To start believing that your worthiness is not attached to this person or to a romantic relationship.
Heal for your quality of life.
Grab your journal Create space for self care. Set aside 30 minutes daily for trigger evaluation.
Trauma needs to address the body and mind. This is why emotional intelligence is important. There is need to mix approaches.
Yes, the body keeps score, but how does the body translate all the data stored in it? Behaviour and words. Attitude, thoughts and feelings.
This trauma also happened over time, or has been stored for a long time. It can only be changed ( tranaformed) over time, with consistent practices and continuous self-evaluation. New habits or programmes are required to replace old existing ones.
Both emotional regulation and cognitive restructuring are key to healing trauma.
Next, what do we mean by emotional regulation and cognitive restructuring. In what context are we applying these concepts?
We need to apply some form of tools in daily life. What does that look like? Self-parenting
If triggered, we need to start sitting with our triggers, and pause instead of reacting like children.
Yes we have trauma, but what does that mean? How does it show up now? Something happened to bring up those body memories. This is what we refer to as being triggered!
So, rather than generalise that we have trauma, we need to effectively address the "trauma" in the triggers. We do this when we explore each individual trigger. This includes an assessment of how it manifests in the body and mind (SIFT), and the "triggered" unmet needs in childhood (root cause analysis).
Additionally , we address how we can meet the unmet needs for the inner child, as well as the needs behind the trigger for the adult in us.
Immediately - We allow our breathing to support us (grounding) (somatic) , we are alive ( gratitude) (cognitive reappraisal).
Sit with the trigger (Quality time love language) and soothe( a skill we did not learn in childhood, hence how we struggle with how we feel). This exercise is an act of self-understanding or self-awareness.
Assess trigger bodily sensations, images, feelings and thoughts (inner critic) ( Trigger assessment)
Use affirmations and words of affirmations ( love languages), regulatory hug and rock the self (touch), use calming oils or candles ( Smell).
Reframe the inner critic with thought replacement and role reversal. There is more than one perspective out there. We do not know what else is going on. Put ourselves in the shoes of another. How might they feel or what might they be thinking? How might our friends support us? What might we say to someone we love in a similar situation?
Next, create intermediate and long term solutions to prevent, minimise and eliminate recurrence of, or minimise impact or frequency of occurrence of being re-triggered.
What do we need to do after spending quality time with the inner child during the triggered state? What needs to happen long term? We cannot keep living in this knee jerk state? If we do not address this situation, it might repeat itself and affect our quality of life.
Create solutions for these unmet needs with self-parenting, or first level of love in this same exercise.
What happened to trigger you? What do you need to do to prevent recurrence that is connected to the situation? What repeated actions might you be allowing that are not in your best interest? By you or others? Perhaps you need to create boundaries for yourself to minimise exposure to the situation. Or you need to do something practical to address the situation that led to the trigger. If you are triggered by inconsistency in a relationship, perhaps you want to parent yourself first, then communicate with the other person.
Intermediate or short term.
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Love on three levels.
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Level 1 - Self-care and self-love. Level 2 - Immediate circle with healthy boundaries. Level three - The greater good.
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Heal the inner child.
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Specific solutions. Cathartic shake and trigger evaluation
Give your time to heal . Do not attach to outcomes. Do not attach anyone to your goals.
Trauma on the Screen Featuring The diary of a mad black woman Starring Tyler Perry , Shemar Moore and Kimberly Elise
A Friends abroad- Relationship School for women on a life mission original.
Whatever love you accept mirrors your inner state. It matches how you feel about yourself.
selfreparenting
Episode 5
Trauma on the Screen Featuring the movie Marriage Story with Scarlett Johansson ✅
Exploring trauma, relationships and parenting on the Screen!
Want to get married and he is not proposing. Propose to yourself and commit to yourself.
selfreparenting
Learning from a relationship where your needs are not being met.
Your self-relationship does not depend on what someone else is doing. You cannot control them.
If you try to fix someone into stepping into a role you assign them, you are in a bind. It dies not work. If a partner is not meeting your needs, they help you to recognise what you want. They help you create the relationship that is fit for purpose.
Thank this person for bringing you clarity. Choose to be happy with or without them.
The person who is not giving you what you want is only What matters to you and what you want to soothe you threatens their freedom, so they cannot give you what you want.
Take this as data collection, a way to know what you want. Focus on your self relationship, not to make them love you. That is for your unconditional peacefulness.
Live Your life knowing what you want and use your experiences with your partner to clarify your wants by the way they do not align with your values.
Do not hold your partner as a reason for you not to get what you want. You do not have to wait for someone to shift their thinking, you only need to pursue your goals.
If you want marriage, and they cannot marry you, they are making it easy for you to choose marriage. Go and find someone who will marry you.
Your partner helps you develop awareness of who you are and you need to thank them for this clarity. Thank them for helping you step up your desires.
As you become clearer about what you want, you develop confidence and your sense of worthiness improves. Your person will fade into the background or they will step up if they are aligned with your purpose or decide to!
You can only get the relationship you want if you align with it! This person, as long as they are not responding to your desires, are not compatible with you. While they might help you create your future relationship through the clarity they help you achieve, they will leave to create space for the right person or relationship.
Do not hold on.
Unmet needs Unmet needs.
Autonomy, Acceptance, Independence, Freedom, Attention, Love, Safety, Fun, Consistency, Respect, Peacefulness, Predictability, Being liked, Be needed, Being valued. Being right, Being treated fairly, Being in control. Feel included., To be understood, Love. New challenges, Order, Balance.
We review the abandonment trauma, dysfunctional coping strategies and the way children might respond to some seemingly harmless traumatic behaviours
selfhealersdiaries
Lack of emotional safety leads to a lack of emotional connection
Why your partner might shut down or react in your relationship.
Both the insecure attached and secure attached people have a need for safety in relationships. Physical safety means they are in a safe environment, which includes how their body is treated in the relationship.
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Emotional safety means their needs and yours are met in this container. It means the way we manage triggers and how much we are triggered and how much our partner holds space in the relationship.
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Emotional safety means the way you both communicate with each other, how you express your needs in the relationship.
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Where someone feels challenged, confronted, accused, blamed or someone is demanding and therefore they feel controlled, they do not feel safe to express themselves, or to open up in the relationship.
Remember, how you shut down when your parents shouted. How you became anxious and fearful when you were physically punished and criticised. That is what your partner will do if you are treating them in this way you were treated, or that children fear.
Additionally, if you budge in and just start shouting, saying what you want or criticising without asking for permission to speak, or asking if they are ready to discuss this with you, they do not feel safe, because there are no boundaries, and you act entitled. Like you own them and the place. So they need to listen. You might be in victim mode and blaming, which again makes intimacy difficult.
You are better off being vulnerable. That comes from self-parenting, where you sign up to the internal locus of control, do not treat any situation as a life and death situation, and you allow passage of time for your partner to step into their role.
Regulate yourself when you feel activated, and increase your window of tolerance when you are aroused. How you talk to your partner has nothing to do with what your partner is doing. How you treat your partner has nothing to do with what they are doing. It is about how regulated and self-controlled you are in yourself.. Your partner might therefore feel unsafe if you are hyper aroused and space out, numb, zone out, and shut down. Or they might also be anxious, out of control, overwhelmed ad angry and therefore fight or flee.
If you have porous boundaries, your partner cannot find a safe container to share with you their deepest fears and desires, because there is no doorway to get in, and no standard to adhere to. It feels like a trap and manipulation, so they fear falling as well as how far they might fall. They do not know where to start, and where to stop.
They feel like you have no filter. You also overshare or under-share, and this makes intimacy difficult.
When this becomes habitual , none of you is holding space. The result is that you are constantly at war. Your partner is not going to be free to open up to you and be vulnerable, because you are not opening up or vulnerable. You are in fight mode.
So, until you SIFTSEM; sit with your trigger , and not rush to act like what young people do, sit with your discomfort , soothe and parent and then express yourself with feeling statements, when your partner is ready, you are unlikely to make progress in your relationship.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/permalink/1489319261408539/
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Every so often I notice someone struggling in their relationship to get over a break up and seeking letting go or detachment (Stoicism based) recommendations. I found out the best way to create a response based on Stoicism is as follows.
Use the Stoic Rules
- The underpinning rule I feel for all of them is the dichotomy of control. It helps us create a quality life when we practice acceptance. We focus on things within our control and let go of things outside our control.
When you prioritise internal locus of control, you also respect other's choices and freedom. This is because you value your own freedom and recognise other's feel the same.
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Show up as the person you would like to date. Love yourself and others as you would like to be loved. You set an example of how you would be loved. Would you date yourself and live your life with you? Why?
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Be mindful of what you say, do, think and feel. Learn to lean into your sensations, and take your time to evaluate your every step. Slow down! Avoid rushing.
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When you are mindful, you can evaluate your triggers or a situation or person before reacting or jumping to conclusions. We are often overwhelmed by a desire to say what we need to say immediately without considering impact on others. Situational role reversal can help you put yourself in the shoes of another.
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Take responsibility for your life and choices. Prioritise your wellbeing. Respect the choices you make and that they might not be helpful. Nobody makes you do what you do not want in a relationship. You therefore co-create a dynamic. Rather than blame another person, identify that you can learn to make different choices in future.
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Buy tranquillity To practice unconditional peacefulness, you need to accept that the impact of situations on you come from your perception not fact. For this reason, you need to have self-management and self-regulation tools to manage situations so that you are not reacting to everyone and everything.
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Act despite the emotions. Cultivate discipline and continue with your goals. Resist urges or temptations. Commit to yourself and do not be swayed by emotions. Create boundaries in your relationship. Remember your why and act in your best interest.
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Accept what happens As above, life will happen. Things you did not expect will unfold because of externals and also your lack of self-awareness and self-management tools. You benefit from welcoming what happens, applying an objective view, regulating emotions and creating solutions rather than staying stuck in your problems.
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People are on loan. Enjoy them while you have them. When they are leaving, they are choosing. When someone leaves focus on what you have and accept that space for something new. Do not attach people to your goals. Grieve and let go. Trust the process
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Be in the moment To minimise unhappiness, practice being in the moment. Objective evaluation and self-regulation tools are helpful to self-parent and create solutions and then come back to the present. Enjoy time you spend with your sweetheart without focusing on problems, on past or future too much.
To enable these outcomes - create date nights. Conflict resolution hour weekly. Share love languages.
Minimise complaints by learning to be authentic, open and expressive. Ypu do not need to share everything with your lover. You need to practice love on three levels. Learn to self-parent, self-soothe and give yourself what you need. Next, identify if you need to say anything to your lover. If you do, use Non-Violent Communication and feeling statements. Avoid control , entitlement, blame and demands. Welcome their choice and decide a way forward from deducing what is in your best interest.
Forgive your partner and others. Forgiveness does not mean allow yourself to be taken for granted. It helps to choose your battles, resolve conflict and not let things accumulate. You can also forgive someone and lea
Reflecting on the trauma and impact on relationships and other areas of life in this powerful movie
selfhealersdiaries
Forcing outcomes through passive-aggressive behaviour online!
If you have your boyfriend or partner on Facebook , be conscious of your posts.
If you have a problem, in your relationship, avoid posting passive-aggressive content.
If your partner posts something avoid trying to correct them online.
If your partner expresses a viewpoint, do not guilt trip them because you feel they are not showing you love.
Because they have written something you do not agree with.
Sometimes this is how you turn men or your partner off.
Your attitude even online can determine how you show up in your relationship.
Do not use online platforms to fight , to indirectly express yourself or to control someone.
Heal and learn to be OK with not being right. Learn to be comfortable with their choices.
Be the bigger person, and they will learn from you. If they are too negative themselves and passive-aggressive, unfriend them.
You cannot talk someone into loving you. You can only refuse to be Disrespected.
selfreparenting
A raw truth about relationships
You might meet someone who promises you forever after. Somewhere along the lines they drop the dream for another. It is not personal. It is relational. Something they did not want showed up in the system. It is something for you to learn from.
Someone you meet might spend time with you and say they do not want a relationship. After breaking up with you, they might get married to the next person. It is not personal. They did not see a future with you specifically!
Your partner might not be willing to accept some of your choices. When you break up they accept the same choices from a new partner that they did not accept from you.
You might be with someone who cannot give up something you dislike. Yet, the moment you break up, they give that thing up for the next relationship.
You might want something that your partner says they are not interested in. Then when they move on, they will be immersing themselves in this thing with another person.
All these situations depend on inspiration! The inspiration depends on the dynamic and timing. The dynamic or the way people show up can affect the decisions partners make in a relationship. It therefore helps to be conscious of how we are showing up in any situation.
Upon reflecting and following observations, people can change their minds.
A partner might meet someone who inspires them rather than make them feel compelled to do something.
They might meet someone who is not attached to outcomes and therefore want to pin them down!
The bottom line for any aware person is to look for a situation where they maintain peacefulness.
If a situation with you is not promoting peace of mind, a partner might want to escape. Peacefulness does not only require healthy communication. It also takes into account conflict of choices, pressure, freedom of choice and timing.
Your partner might not want something with you, but that does not mean they might not want this at all with someone else. They might just be looking for the right situation not a person.
What helps is not to feel as if this is a reflection of your worth. It is a lack of compatibility, coupled with lessons you can learn about loving yourself, learning to do healthy relationships, letting go and trusting the process. If you are in a situation where you are not on the same page about something, take the initiative to leave. Yes, initiate a break-up now! You do not need to wait for them to look for their forever after while you still entertain them.
Value yourself and open up the space for the right situation.
Meanwhile focus on your relationship with you, with your immediate circle. You will meet your person! No one person is your last chance!
Get the coach in a book if you have to:
The break up toolkit- Why and how to break up with your partner. Includes over 15 benefits of no contact, healing emotions, reconnection programme and moving on..
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08P2THR6V/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_DXXG651164XXS003ZN20
selfhealersdiaries
Disrespected in your relationship?
They talk to other people about relationship while in a relationship with you.
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They talk about you with other people without involving you.
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They talk about you in your presence without including you.
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They make decisions which you normally make together without you, and without telling you what they have done.
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They do not consider your feelings.
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Physical harm.
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Override your decisions with children or others. They might make a counter-decision in your presence of absence.
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Seeing other people behind your back.
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Telling you what to do with your life, what to wear, who to see.
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Comparing you with other people.
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Silent treatment.
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Withholding support.
Plan Self-love and self-respect. Self-worth Boundaries. Disengage. Walk away.
selfreparenting
The missing element in our existence. Why we might struggle when we want to improve our lives.
Missing Tools in the psychological existence.
Introducing SIFTSEM TOOL
A self-management, self-parenting, trigger assessment, objective evaluation, root cause analysis, self-soothing , cognitive restructuring and solution focused tool.
24 Unmet needs
Autonomy. Acceptance. Independence .Freedom Attention. Love. Safety. Fun. Consistency Respect. Peacefulness. Predictability. Being liked Be needed. Being right. Being valued Being treated fairly. Being in control Feel included To be understood. Love. New challenges . Order. Balance
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08SJLYZWV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_7CTMASYD3Q8QATNVWP67
Why do men people leave relationships with people they might have made promises to or women they love?
Lack of peacefulness Cannot do anything without you complaining. You are criticising him constantly. You are negative. Cannot do anything without you trying to control outcomes. You try to tell him what to do. You do not give him space. You do everything for him to make him feel wanted and loved.
Let go of control Let him choose Let him be an adult. Do not do everything for him. Make requests not demands. Appreciate him Give him space
If his choice is to leave you, that is best for the relationship. You cannot do this relationship alone. Or drag someone who is unwilling.
Weekly we will bring you a movie and we will discuss trauma and relationships in the movie
selfhealersdiaries
When you feel used in friendships. Friends that come and go as they wish!
It sounds hard yet here is the thing:
In any relationship break ups are possible. What you need is to hold on to your values. Whether it is family, friendships and romances, there are allowances you can make and then decisions about the level of contact you can maintain.
Even children are given to us. Family is a place to practice alignment.
Friends too but the level of tolerance differs in each situation or relationship type. For example, you cannot ideally break up with your young children. If it happens it might not be an informed choice. Sometimes we do from our severe trauma, end up separated from our children.
If it happens or has happened, learn from what happened and move on. Also watch Tallulah!
However, friendships are a different ball game. These are like romantic relationship, in that you need not hold on.
Do not ignore red flags. Some friends are toxic.
People do what they do for their own reasons. It is not personal.
We get into people's lives for a reason, a purpose. Perhaps reflecting on this story and parenting yourself and reversing roles can help.
She probably is one of those people who have not learnt the importance of maintaining a healthy social circle outside romance. Perhaps she puts more emphasis on romance and forgets that people are on loan.
Which is what you can also reflect on. Perhaps you served your purpose and now it is time to move on.
We break up with family, friends and romantic relationships too.
None of us is entitled to hurt the other in the name of family, friendships, because they know your secret, bosses, child or parent. In any relationship, your values are held together by your boundaries.
Self-compassion looks like wishing her well and choosing yourself so that you do not feel used in future. Be grateful for the opportunity you had to support her and learn from her behaviour.
People are not necessarily meant to be in our lives forever. Detach from an outcome.
Grieve the end if you choose to, and look for other friends. While you can not entirely change your family, you can minimise contact, and heal. Until you are grounded, sometimes it helps to stay in spaces that are healthy for you.
Bullies can come in any form. We can also bully those closest to us.
Meanwhile focus on people who love and care about you back.
Nobody looks like they have trauma. Do not rely on a face , looks or money as a compatibility factor.
The habit of complaining or talking behind people's backs.
Complaining is human, but when you are conscious, make it brief then stick to solutions.
Minimise discussing other people. You have so much of you that you have not half way explored.
It can feel encouraging to discuss someone in order to connect with your circle or build a circle. Yet, what idea are you developing in that?
Besides talking behind people's backs is a self-esteem struggle. Just trying to feel better or look better than the other person.
It also indicates poor conflict resolution skills.
That cab indicate low vibration mentality. You do not connect with the tears of another person.
Discuss ideas to support someone yes, or what you might want to do about the situation with another person, instead of dwelling on this person's issues.
You can become judgemental.
You can become negative.
You also do not develop from that mindset except to feel as if you are in control of something. This is a sign of self-disconnection.
Sometimes you might talk about someone without understanding the whole story. You therefore draw conclusions without adequate information.
If you have a history with someone that is ongoing, do a SIFTSEM and create boundaries in yourself first. Parent yourself and soothe.
Reframe your perspective of the person you are complaining about. Or the issue. Their behaviour is a symptom of more than you know. Additionally, apply dichotomy of control. Are you talking about someone in relationship to you or something you have nothing to do with?
We tend to want to be judge and jury and executioner sometimes where we have no idea about what other information is missing from this story.
Reverse roles. What if people were talking about you? How would you feel?
Then go on the second level and create boundaries or express how you feel.
You can also seek support to create solutions on the second level from others.
Give and receive love from your circle where there are no complaints.
Rather than find fault with or focus on someone who goes home to their family or problems, find someone who needs help to focus on.
Instead of complaining you can work towards forgiveness gradually.
Read a book, watch a movie, do something and avoid people who are constantly complain.
Where you work with someone, find best ways to communicate concerns. If people complain, leave, change subjects or get busy.
If you cannot fix it, let go of control and make peace with the situation, leave or keep a distance. Use Segment intending and setting an intention and affirmations.
selfhealersdiaries
Unconditional Peacefulness is both a skill and a state of being
Focus inwards
No comparisons.
Being OK inwards.
Accepting that life is unpredictable.
Preparing tools for self-management
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to improve emotional baseline.
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Tools for emotional regulation
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The dichotomy of control
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Living in the moment.
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Making peace with what is.
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Not attaching to outcomes.
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Learning new skills and behaviours because to change your destination requires new behaviours.
More self-focus.
Love on three levels!
Toxic relationships need a foundation! You need to be aware of what relationship foundation you are creating.
Text messages, Dating a friend with a reputation you know, 9 things you need not do for love
How to address conflict in your relationship. What to do if he is not paying for dates.
Learn the difference between self-awareness and self-victimization to improve your relationship.
How much does she love me? Problems before you even meet. Why do they cheat on a good person
Kindness in relationships. Do not wait for someone to change. Causes of conflict in relationships. Love addiction
These tips can help you to improve your relationship outcomes. Adjustments you need to make. Boundaries you need to create. The four tips to avoid relationship urgency
Join us on Facebook where we share self-healing guidance for emotional healing! We share relationship guidance and life coaching support! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1183407671999701/ Look for Author VZM on Amazon for toolkits
Infidelity is a symptom, not a cause of relationship problems. Your cheating partner might not have the tools to address conflict. If you have decided to stay after infidelity, find out why they are going outside the relationship to have their needs met.
You can meet your existential needs on three levels. Whether you are outside a romantic relationship or not, you are in a relationship with someone or something. Learn to access other levels of love rather than focusing on a person or one situation.
In this episode, I introduce Friends Abroad Relationship School. I am a Stoic Relationship Strategist, Self-healer's Co-parent, and an Author. Emotional intelligence, self-love and virtue are the keys to a healthy and happy life. I apply root cause analysis to your relationship problems. Prioritise the quality of your life before romantic relationships.