Healing Through the Heavy: Recent Episodes
Shianne Matthews
1..2..3.. lets breath...Life is often times heavy, at least in my experience. Fortunately for me, heaviness and what surrounds it has been used as fuel on my healing journey. Heavy convos imo means depth and depth is never draining, but if addressed with an open mind, enlightening. I encourage the hardships that we all face to be brought to the front and center so the real, raw healing can be begin. I'm on a path and though I don't quite know where its taking me yet, I'm listening to my intuition. I'm no fancy youtuber, but a human being who has faced many adversity's and gained much wisdom and belief in myself along the way. Join me as we heal, one heavy conversation at a time.
Sticking up for yourself is uncomfortable when its territory your unfamiliar with. The problem lies when you spend your whole life never thinking of your future self while dishonoring your present self by not being brave and speaking on heavy things that need to be spoke on. Its a process but one we will tread lightly with. Lets do it.
Listen, sometimes we get so caught up in our own comfort we lose focus on what we really want. I'm more guilty than most when it comes to this but I'm also a believer that we deserve all that we want, sometimes that requires more work than just sitting back and waiting for it come. So how we do we stop blocking our blessings and allow ourselves to receive all that is ours?!
When your faced with a hard decision in life, how do you know its time to take action? Do you listen to your intuition, do you let things run their course, or do you dip out before things even get challenging? I spent many years in a relationship that didnt serve me because I felt it would be too hard to leave but facing that hard allowed so many doors to open. So when is it time to do something hard?
Every so often a dark cloud hovers over me and makes me question my whole reality and sense of self. Most times, I cant tell if the darkness is meant to be enlightening for something bigger on the other side or if its just a hard time in my life that has to pass. Regardless its here so were dealing with it, but how?
As women, we, rightfully so have a distrust with men. Maybe not all of us, but if you're one of the few that don't, than consider yourself lucky. I decided I wanted to take that mistrust and maybe work towards healing that wound for no other reason than cause I owe it to myself. So I decided I would start seeing a male therapist and so lets talk about it.
It's a hard pill to swallow when you tell yourself a story for so long about where you think you'll be, only for it to not plan out the way you originally thought it would. What if thats how it was meant to happen though? What if the goals you set so long ago were for a person you no longer are? Accepting where we are in life now, is the only way to get where we eventually want to be.
Sit with that for a second and listen in as we talk it through together.
Closure is something we all want but rarely get. Sometimes we chase it for so long that we forget life is going on with or without. Though I think its important to honor your feelings and your truth, not getting an "I'm sorry" can only delay you for as long as you let it. Lets talk about how we make peace with it.
Sometimes seeing people with big support systems makes me feel envious I won't lie. I've even felt as though I was missing something in my life but what I've come to learn is that its not about the amount of people in your support system but the depth of the relationship with said support. Quality always trumps quantity and we should talk about it. <3
Growing up in my family dynamic, words were used as ammo to hurt on the deepest level you can hurt someone. If I'm honest I didnt realize until I got older that all households weren't like that. I've done my best to try break that cycle with my own child but there's many challenging moments where my brain just wants to go there. Personally, I don't but internally and because of years of mental and emotional abuse, I do.
Breaking the cycle can mean a lot of things and in this episode I talk about what it means to me in regards to my parenting and how I've managed to heal myself while doing so.
Recently, Ryan and I had a disagreement where he told me he doesn't always feel accepted by me and though it was hard to hear, I'm certain it was harder to FEEL on his end. Everyone is raised in different ways with unique backgrounds, that form us into the adults we become. Him sharing such a vulnerable topic with me was something I really sat with and gave a lot of thought too and I realized he was right. My actions and sometimes words to him were not reflecting the love I feel deep down. Privately, we resolved the matter but publicly we felt this was a topic that could really offer some insight to those who struggle with the same crossroad in their relationship.
Trigger warning This episode will be my hardest to date for many reasons but one being I speak of the many SA's i've experienced in my life and why I wish I would have advocated for myself. Sometimes in the face of trauma its easier to tell yourself that you're overreacting or remembering things wrong but the truth is the truth and I'm ready to share mine.
Something about the term, "everyone says that" has always drove me up a wall. Im not a fan of generalizing anything let alone when it comes to my opinion of people or important topics. Hearing the term 'everyone' can feel isolating when you're trying to stand strong on who you are. In episode 48, Ill talk about it why I think its important why were mindful of the terms we use as well as keeping grounded with yourself when you feel like everyone is against you.
We've all got stories from our past that either made us or broke us. This specific incident not only broke me but made me feel so helpless and just praying for something or someone to save me from my own nightmare. It was the beginning of my journey to realizing I had no choice but step out in the world and just face whatever comes my way. Anything was better than I had..
The hardest thing to do when you're faced with heavy challenges is remain in touch with yourself. Often times when our external life is in low vibrations, we internal it and try to bring our mind down with it. Its an easy thing to do after all, but how do we stay above the surface and keep our head in a good place so we can rise above and continue forward on a path we want to be on?
You've probably heard the term "have faith" many times in your life. For me, as a kid I always contributed that too having faith in God, the problem was, I never felt the presence of "God" like I was told I should. Thankfully, as I got older. I realized that it never had anything to do with God themselves, but it was more an internal feeling you need to have to give yourself reassurance. In episode 45, lets get into what having faith is all about.
I've been MIA. Life's been moving and grooving and I've once again made a small shift in my life. I've been trying to find a healthy middle ground of doing the things I like while also staying focused and working towards a bigger future. Overall, I felt a good life update was due and maybe some encouragement to show yourself grace along the ups and downs we all have.
Relationships with our families can be complex, to say the least. I've learned there's a few ways families face conflict and that's to either have big fights or avoid the conflict all together. I, myself am an expert at doing it the wrong way and having to learn that If i ever want to have a healthy dynamic, its going to take some strong intention on my part. We're still a work in progress, but thats what we do. We strive for progression not perfection.
We ALL have character flaws, its inevitable. Some are more tolerable than others, both within ourselves and those we spend time with but lately, a character flaw within me has me feeling more discomfort with myself than what I feel comfortable with. So you know that means we have to talk about it and that's the first step towards correcting it. Lets get into it.
I saw the barbie movie, and boy.. it was deeper than I anticipated. As with many things, It got me thinking about how conditioned we all are to be the most perfect version of ourselves and how damaging that is in the long run. As women we carry so much of a heavy load and it gets heavier when we don't allow ourselves to just be human., but we are working towards progress not perfection so lets talk about it.
Anger is a complicated emotion to let ourselves feel. I believe for most its a primary emotion above many others such as disappointment, sadness, disgust, confusion, etc. It can make us feel out of control but also feel like its what we must resort to, in order to be heard. Regardless of how much healing we do, anger will always be there in some capacity. I'm always hoping to heal with my anger and to validate why something upset me while also staying in control of how I respond with it. So lets talk about it.
Change is weird, sometimes its feels so right but most the time you meet yourself with uncertainty and wondering if its going to be for the better or will things change you might not be prepared for. I love making necessary changes in my life but it doesn't stop me from over analyzing everything during the process haha.
All my life I've thought very highly of myself and the brightness of my future but I've always battled against a very harsh imposter syndrome and it's left me in a constant state of feeling stuck. I believe in myself enough but no longer having the person that instilled the high confidence in me really leaves me questioning who I really am and at times my worth to make it all happen.
I'm a people person. I love talking to people, being around people, and I especially love getting to know people but it does have what can feel like a disadvantage at times. That disadvantage being I tend to absorb more energy than I have the bandwidth to handle. Over the years i've grown to really know myself internally so I can recognize when I need to take time to get back to me. It's not easy but let's talk about what it can look like if you don't acknowledge that you may be harboring emotions that aren't even your own.
Transitioning into a new version of yourself is a challenge in itself. It's especially challenging when you don't allow yourself to appreciate the past version of you that helped you grow. Taking time to reflect on pieces of you that you no longer wish to carry and those that you hope to stay with you is an important part of your healing journey and should be done with intention. lets talk about it.
I'm a HUGE believer in what we listen/watch/consume matters so therefore I try to avoid things that I feel will only attract negative energies. Ryan on the other hand doesn't quite think its that serious, so of course we had to discuss it, followed up with one of the eeriest moments of my life!
Everyday our patience is being tested. Some times we have the bandwidth to handle life's annoyances and sometimes we do not. For me, that's when I try to bring myself center and practice mindfulness, which looks different for everyone. Episode 35 lets talk about the power of being mindfully patient.
I'm a believer in brutal honesty but sometimes its just that.. brutal. So instead of looking at a situation and thinking "this person could use some brutal honesty" I've learned to start leaning into compassionate honesty. Giving people honesty because we ALL need it, but also doing it from a place of compassion cause maybe that person just doesn't see it from our lense. Oh, and we'll talk a little about co-parenting and how the two topics co-exist ;)
Episode 34. lets do it.
Happy birthday to me! I'm entering year 29 and I feel as though i've lived so many different lives already. I knew it was only fitting that I offer some life lessons that I've hard to learned over my lifetime. Some you may have heard before, others I've really had to dig deep to find, but all I'm sure will offer value. Lets get into it.
I love the progress we're making the world, I think its long over due and much needed. My issue is, were lacking the grace to others who might just need more time catch up. On top of the normalizing and romanticizing real life struggle and real life disorders to the point that we've been desensitized to them. We assume that every struggle can be related to our lives and I just find that be invalidating to real life victims of said words or disorders.
In episode 32, I'm diving into what I find can be toxic in the woke culture.
We've already discussed how hard being a mom is but something that isn't discussed often is how challenging it can be when you still have old wounds to heal. Unfortunately, I was faced with the biggest wound I have to still heal in myself recently and it shined a big light on an already uphill battle I face with myself and with being a mom. In episode 31 we will discuss how we can manage to heal while also showing up as our best.
I made it. I took my tolerance break and learned a few things. Most importantly I learned that I am the one in control, I have the power to do anything I set my mind too and I needed that reminder which is what i'm most appreciate of. Lets discuss how the last 30 days went.
Shame is an emotion that consumes us more than we know. Shame also has the ability to dibalitate us, to make us freeze, to make us not want to move forward so we continue the cycle of what made us feel ashamed to begin with. We see it everyday in addictions, eating disorders, careers, relationships, etc. Shame isn't a feeling that you will one day drop and never feel again, but we can learn how to not give it so much power so we slip into habits we know we don't want anymore.
Cheers to finally having my best friend in the whole world Morgan join us! Morgan has had MAJOR changes in her life over the last year and a half all due to her finally deciding to choose herself. She opens up about what choosing YOU can really look like and how she made the scary but brave decision to uproot her whole life, move across country and is now living a dream life she completely manifested with just having faith in herself.
Allow me to introduce the beautiful and empowering Rachel! She is what I would consider a well balanced woman who has mastered the balance of both feminine and masculine energy. She is a spiritual being who is leading the way for women through instructing pole classes, training clients through the ropes of weight lifting and allowing the space for people to come as they are. We open the door to a heavy conversation on how we can tap into our natural sexiness as creatures while keeping space for the ebb and flow of all our internal energies.
We've made it to episode 25, So exciting!! In this episode I felt it was important to bring awareness to that fact that you're stronger than you think. We're all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Things can seem so hazy at times that we tend to lose trust in the natural resilience we all have just waiting to be tested out. Playing it safe isn't always playing it safe so let's talk about it.
Since I was 13 years old I've depended on marijuana to see me through my hard times and it has. I've never looked at it as a bad thing and I still don't but the problem I face with myself is that I don't really know my full complete self without it. So I just decided If I wanted to step into a higher version of myself some changes to be made. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I owe it to myself to at least see the next 30 days through .
Vulnerability breeds connection. In episode 22, Alexis graciously gets vulnerable and shares what has helped find peace while healing through many of life's trials and tribulations. This conversation was the beginning of hopefully many more and will offer comfort in knowing that you don't have to have all the answers but maybe just a little trust.
My intentions with HTTH has always been to share my truth and my voice as well as give a platform to those who want to share their heaviness and heal on their own journeys. I've sat down and thought of some things that I felt would really help me understand someone more in depth and decided to answer those questions first, honestly.
The most humbling part of my healing journey has been the fact that I do NOT indeed know everything and sometimes it's best not to say anything but to listen to what others have to teach you. Learning to find comfort in the wisdom of others has not only expanded my mind but also answered many questions that I otherwise would not know had I stayed stuck in my ego, assuming I can figure it all out alone.
It's no surprise too much routine, too much stability, kinda scares me. I love being comfortable in my life and not worrying about what my next move is, but I also love trying new things, being adventurous and not knowing what's to come. Though that comes with its own challenges and as you'll hear a ton of irrational, impulsive thoughts that most people probably shouldn't think about it but somehow I think about often haha. It's a fight to keep myself stable in one thing for too long, but I love a good challenge so continue on, I must.
Being an assertive, head strong woman has not always been perceived well. I struggled for years trying to be less than who I am so other felt comfortable being in my presence. Until one day I realized it's not a "me" problem how I'm taken, but a "them" problem for how they choose to take me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know my intentions behind how I carry myself. In episode 18, I opened up about how I finally gave myself the space to not just love who I am but shine brighter than I ever have before.
Contradicting myself and my emotions simultaneously feels uncomfortable. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself I could only feel one way about a situation or even my identity, and if any other emotions arises that contradicted my first emotion, somehow I was being inauthentic.
I'm learning that's not so true and this episode was an emotional one for me because I'm trying to leave space for all my feelings but that doesn't come without some guilt tied to it. I'm becoming accepting of the fact that a healed wound can still be painful and it doesn't mean the healing process starts over.
For far too long I let the world dim my shine when it came to dreaming big for myself. I unknowing allowed the dull imagination of others around me hold me back from ever thinking big things could happen to me. Thankfully, I'm back baby, Dreaming big and being as delusional as I want to be with my life and my dreams. After listening to episode 16 I hope you allow yourself to do the same.
The moment is finally here.. My big sister Alex joins me and gives her insight on what her healing journey has been like as the older sibling. We dive into the different dynamics that siblings have, what they feel their role is in the family, and how they can give themselves permission to not always be the savior.
Traveling outside of my own environment has allowed me to make tremendous progress towards healing and showing myself the possibilities that could be out there for me. Though it can be a luxury to some, for me its been a priority i've forced myself to put in the front and center. In episode 14, we will unpack why I believe its necessary for all of us to be get out and see something new at least once in our lives.
I've had many times in my life where I struggled to reach the level of feeling "grown woman sexy." I could give a litany of reasons as to why that is and trust and believe I do in episode 13 but I end up unpacking.. ALOT, as I do and I think I figure out what I have to do see myself through that unique lens.
Trying anything new can feel scary and make you feel unsure of yourself, which is why I think so many of us hold back on ever starting from the get go. In episode 12 we will talk about why its so important to trust the process when diving into anything new and reshaping what you think you're capable of.
Learning to navigate my grief has been an up and down battle. Although i'm still processing new feelings everyday, I've come to realize that I've been experiencing grief long before I my lost my dad just in many different ways outside of physical loss.
The feeling that my body type doesn't fit the "gym standard" has been a long lasting struggle of mine over the years. I've done intentional work on myself and I've found ways to further build my confidence while growing more comfortable in my skin.
Lets talk about it.
TW ED.
I will be talking about openly about my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder. How I was able to understand I had an eating disorder and what my intentions are for overcoming it in the new year.
In my world, holidays equate to stress. Up until a couple years ago, I could count on one hand how many times a holiday/birthday didn't end in a big fight and me regretting why I even put myself in the situation to begin with. In this episode we will talk about protecting our peace and how we can set ourselves up to have a good relaxing holiday, the best we can ;)
Having people that inspire us is imperative, we need inspiration to know what is possible for us. Although I believe the biggest blessing we can give ourselves is knowing that we have whatever super power we need to be our own hero and create whatever life we want for ourselves.
Episode 6 is a real raw glimpse into who I am, who I'm not, who I want to be and all the fears and anxiety that just coexist with being human. I felt compelled to tear down a wall that I keep hidden from the world and Ia lot of times myself. I've said from the beginning I want to speak my truth and unapologetically heal. I think this is a good first step.
Episode 5 I wanted to dig more in just what shifting our mindset can do to improve our quality of life. Most of our beliefs are inherited and some of those are mentally holding us back from ever seeing our potential. I believe in walking the fine line of delusion and just being so damn sure of yourself nobody can tell you otherwise.
Episode 4 we will peel back a layer on my truth regarding motherhood and dig deeper into why we feel we must give everything that we are in order to feel like we're doing a sufficient job.
Episode 3 I wanted to share how i've been able to navigate finding good people that are fulfilling and knowing when the community of people I currently have no longer suited the version of myself I was trying to become.
Also sharing a big part of my past that opened the door to me learning what unconditional love felt like.
Episode two we will get into why I believe we struggle with the conversations that could put us on course for our healing.
I share my own personal struggles with communication, how I was raised to communicate and we shine light on how were really just betraying ourselves by never going below surface level.
1..2..3.. lets breath...
In our first episode together I want you to just get a glimpse into who I am and what this journey of healing through heavy conversations is for me.
I am a prior teen mom, diagnosed with CPTSD and I've lived through my fair share of trauma, anger, grief, abuse, the list seems to go on. Fortunately, I've been able to pull myself out of many of those hardships with a better understanding and appreciation for life. Though I know life can feel heavy to bear for a lot of us, I want to believe that some of that burden can be relinquished with an empathetic heart, an open mind, and a heavy conversation to heal the soul.