The Crux: Recent Episodes
Ryan Ginn and Slade Machamer
We are Ryan Ginn and Slade Machamer, and on The Crux we will be tackling the most important questions around men's experiences in relationships, with the goal of giving men real, concrete steps to help them move out of frustrating places and towards feeling more confident in their relationships.
At the core of a lot of problems men have in relationships is that we don’t know how to properly deal with our pain.
When we can’t actively relate to our pain, we shut ourselves off from emotional presence and withdraw into ourselves to try to cope with the pain rather than attend to it in a healthy way. As a result, we become inaccessible to our partners.
Now, we all live with a certain amount of pain every day, some more than others–we all have various amounts of physical and emotional distress accompanying us within our bodies. And it’s natural to want to avoid feeling this pain, by either numbing ourselves or by compartmentalizing our feelings so that they don’t build up in the same way.
In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the topic of chronic pain to provide men with tactics for opening themselves up to healthy emotional engagement with their partners rather than shutting them out.
Listen to learn more!
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 – Pain is a natural part of life for men 02:16 – The first noble truth of Buddhism: Acknowledging the existence of our pain 03:00 – Meditation allows men to purposely visit the pain points they typically erase or ignore 04:44 – Letting the raw sensations from meditation bring you into presence 05:47 – Engaging in real presence with your partner is what makes the relationship viable 07:07 – Filling the space to avoid fixating on negative feelings 08:09 – How meditation can become uncomfortable for men 10:12 – Taking inventory: Start noticing your distractions 11:36 – Test yourself: How long can you stay with a feeling of hurt, sadness, or negativity? 12:06 – Connect: Share what you’ve discovered with your partner 12:39 – Your life and happiness are in your hands 14:07 – Slow down to go fast
A common struggle among many men these days is the feeling of being inadequate in our partner’s eyes. We work hard for our families, we show up for our kids, and we focus on being a present partner and husband.
But no matter how much effort we put in around the house or for our partners, it never feels like enough. We feel disconnected from our partners, we are constantly feeling negative feedback from them, and we feel like we just can’t win.
This is actually a significant reason why many men are attracted to men’s work. They know they are good men, and their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t understand why that isn’t enough for their partners.
Listen to this episode of The Crux to hear Ryan and Slade discuss the symptoms of “Good Guy” Syndrome, and how you can break out of this cycle to begin engaging more honestly and openly with your partner about each other’s needs.
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 – The Good Guy Syndrome: It’s all about “me”, not “we” 02:46 – We think we deserve recognition for things that don’t actually fulfill our partner’s needs 04:15 – You’ll never be a perfect partner 05:07 – Your efforts inhibit real connection when they come from the “Good Guy” perspective 08:22 – “Good Guy” symptoms often shows up when men get stuck in the friend zone 09:37 – Showing up in service vs. showing up in connection 10:24 – Breaking the “Good Guy” cycle by slowing down and inviting curiosity 13:01 – Take charge and be directorial in how you respond to feedback 15:44 – Falling into avoidant tendencies amplifies negative emotions and strengthens feelings of inadequacy 16:36 – Close the loop: Take space to unpack the situation, but following up later is required
Something almost everyone has experienced at some point while in a relationship is the feeling of being attracted to someone other than your partner.
This experience affects both men and women equally, and it is completely normal. In fact, attraction is ours first–it should be considered sacred & personal, and not something that has to be shared. Despite this, many people feel compelled to bring their attractions up to their partners, because not to do so feels dishonest.
The problem is, many men are not sure when to bring up this topic, or how to do so with tact and compassion for their partner.
In this episode of the Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the subject of physical attraction and how it can affect our relationships–in both positive and negative ways.
Listen to learn more.
SHOW NOTES:
00:46 – The Self-to-Self conversation: Understanding your feelings first 03:58 – Start with internal inquiry and validation 07:39 – The Self-to-Other conversation: What action will best serve our relationship’s bond? 10:07 – Surface-level attraction can inspire deeper exploration in relationships 14:26 – Giving yourself permission to falter and fail 15:16 – Have tact and compassion: Prioritizing the relationship bond 17:50 – Put yourself in their shoes: Doing your own work first 18:34 – Engaging with your partner on a humorous level 20:16 – Slowing it down and looking ahead vs. Taking risks and plunging in
When your partner feels triggered, you may find their emotional outbursts cause you to feel triggered, too. This is a common issue in relationships, and it can become a difficult cycle wherein your frustrations only serve to frustrate your partner further, and vice versa.
A common question we get from men is, how can I help my partner in those moments, without succumbing to my own frustrations and emotional triggers? How can I put my own needs aside in the moment, and instead help them work through what’s bothering them?
In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss some tools you can use to help individually turn the tide of these emotionally-charged moments, shifting them towards mutual understanding and connection rather than towards resentment.
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 – Breaking the “Trigger Cycle”: Choosing not to fight fire with fire 02:30 – The natural tendency towards defense 04:18 – Your generosity comes back around: Finding a “Total Maturity Moment” 06:42 – Step 1: Noticing patterns and deciding not to act 08:31 – Step 2: Making space for the most mature version of you to come forth 10:18 – Step 3: Showing your partner that you are a friend 12:53 – Ryan shares a personal story about employing this method in his own relationship 16:01 – Slade shares his perspective on his own relationship 17:09 – Learning comes with experimentation: Slow down and be available 19:23 – Relationship work drives your own growth
It would be nice if our partner were able to give us feedback in a vulnerable, compassionate way, but it is unrealistic to expect this 100% of the time. This being said, there are things we can do, as the receiver of the frustrated feedback, to help stop the cycle of retraumatization that we perpetuate each time we trigger each other. And these can be done regardless of whether or not our partner is able to deliver their feedback in a nice way.
Listen as Ryan and Slade discuss a practice that is essential to creating long-term viable relationships: the practice of hearing what your partner is saying in their frustration, anger, or shortness, and of slowing down enough to answer, is there some truth in what they’re saying?
SHOW NOTES:
03:00 – Slade describes a recent experience receiving feedback at home. 07:49 – Managing one’s own reactivity: Own what you can own. 11:40 – Acknowledging your partner’s feelings regardless of your own. 13:02 – Creating a cycle of generosity. 14:57 – The critical importance of authenticity in apologies. 17:13 – Apologizing without blame helps your partner soften, too. 18:41 – Own your part without waiting for, or expecting, them to join in. 20:11 – FTT: Finding The Truth. 21:07 – Make failure a comfortable word. 21:50 – Acknowledging and accepting all the voices within you. 23:40 – Vocalizing what you heard your partner say. 28:10 – Prepare for the fact that you might not get the response you want. 29:41 – This process is not one-size-fits-all.
If you’ve listened to the last couple of podcast episodes, you may be wondering, what exactly is a “Crux” in this context? How does this relate to my relationship and my interactions with my partner?
Cruxes are the obstacles, issues, and stumbling blocks that come up in relationships, usually to do with our emotional perceptions of ourselves and our weaknesses. Some cruxes seem larger or more significant than others, but regardless of size, they are important to recognize and move through as a team in order to preserve the health of the relationship long-term.
Listen to hear Ryan and Slade discuss some of the common cruxes faced by men, and how you can begin to tackle them.
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 – The Crux is the Heart of the matter 01:30 – Defining the essential themes of relationship issues 02:28 – Common cruxes for men: Feeling “enough” 05:21 – Am I lovable? Do I belong? 06:33 – Changing behavior is difficult if you’re not in conversation around the causes 07:15 – Hear Ryan share about his own primary crux 10:47 – Hear Slade also share his personal experience 14:07 – Dance with the one that brung you 15:31 – Rinse and repeat: Practices you can do at home 18:30 – Tracking your progress through community
Welcome to The Crux!
We are Ryan Ginn and Slade Machamer, and in our new podcast we will be tackling the most important questions around men's experiences in relationships, with the goal of giving men real, concrete steps to help them move out of frustrating places and towards feeling more confident in their relationships.
We are so glad to have you along for the ride!
One of the chronic complaints many guys get from their partners is a lack of presence.
This lack of presence typically shows up in the form of distance, being “checked out”, aloofness, or similar feelings, but the truth is, it’s actually the result of not being able to swim both in and out of the emotional plane.
For many men, emotions are a foreign language, and when this is the case, it's difficult to create space for the emotions of others. Getting external support often allows you to develop greater self-intimacy and awareness that can be brought back to your partner.
Listen in as Ryan & Slade cover why it’s so difficult to stay present to all that is happening as a man, and how to overcome this to create more depth, intimacy and connection in your relationship.
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 – Ryan and Slade discuss the natural defenses that arise when faced with our own impact on our partners
03:51 – Hear Ryan’s personal story about his capacity to be present in relationships, and how it impacted his partner in the past.
07:49 – How our inner selves try to stop undesired experiences, but often end up making the situation worse.
09:11 – The importance of slowing down and taking the time to create presence
10:30 – You don’t have to do it alone: How the emotional work of men’s groups and therapy helps men rewire their reflexive patterns
11:35 – Practices you can try today to begin unraveling your presence in yourself and your relationship