Dontbeacrumqueen: Recent Episodes
Sher
I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
I have a question for you. In the context of relationships, have you ever thought about whether you’re chasing or whether you’re attracting?
Well, I have. I’ve thought about it a lot and to be honest, there definitely have been times in my life when I was chasing. It’s when I found myself wanting, more than anything, to be in a relationship. The problem was, being in that mindset (which is scarcity) kept me slightly blinded to (or should I say choosing to ignore), potential red flags.
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Today I want to talk about relationships. They certainly aren’t easy and ending them can prove to be very difficult especially when it comes to romantic ones.
We get so deeply entangled and yet, we usually “know” when it’s not the right one for us. Against our own intuition, we focus on the “potential” and spend months or even years hoping for change but alas, that day never comes and we are left pondering “should I end this?”
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Have you ever thought about the ways in which you seek validation? Are you even aware that it’s something you do?
As humans, we’re all designed to desire validation. At our core, we want to know that we are worthy, that we have value and that we are good. While those things are very natural, WHERE we are looking for validation determines whether it is healthy or unhealthy.
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Today I wanted to talk about something that applies to not only those of us who are single but also to those of us who are in relationships, whether it be engaged, married or a romantic long-term commitment.
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
So I’ve been thinking lately about this whole “single and wanting to meet someone” position many of us find ourselves in.
Those thoughts inspired some questions.
Why do we want to meet someone? Why is it so important? Is it pressure from society? Are we just lonely? Do we want financial stability from a partner? What is the real reason behind the want?
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
Have you ever met someone and felt like you knew they weren’t the “right” person for you but you were drawn to them anyhow because it felt good? Deep inside you sensed it wasn’t healthy or it wasn’t going to end well but you couldn’t pull yourself away. Maybe you’ve met that person that felt “wrong” because they weren’t your type or the dynamics in the relationship were SO different than what you were used to?
Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.
So as I’ve been reflecting back on my own Life experiences, one thing I’ve become aware of are the times when I allowed myself to “dim my Light” so the person I was with could feel better about themselves. This can happen in families, friendships, business or even romantic relationships.
What does it mean to “dim your Light?”
Life can really deal us some heavy blows when it comes to pain. It can come in the form of loss, abandonment, rejection, or even disappointment on how Life has turned out.
We ALL have stories to tell about how our hearts were broken. For some it may have been by their parents. For others it was siblings, friends, spouses, or romantic partners. The reality is we cannot escape pain, BUT, we can choose how we respond to it.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
Love bombing. Whether you’ve experienced it or not, most of you have probably heard the term especially as it relates to a narcissist.
Although it was a term I was familiar with I had not experienced it….until I did, and now I know.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I'm your host.
Today, I want to talk about confidence.
We’ve all met them, men and women who exude confidence and walk with such purpose. When you are around them, you can’t help but be drawn to them. You sense they have something you want but how do you get it?
So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word Love or even the words “I Love You” and what they mean. We all have a different interpretation and it is largely colored by what we did or did not receive growing up. There are also different kinds of love. Love for a parent, sibling or family member. Love for a friend or even a platonic love within a relationship. None of those are bad, they are just all different.
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately and how they affect us, whether that’s good or bad.
As human beings, I believe we were created to want and enjoy relationships with others. Relationships are places where we hope to find Everlasting Love, Comfort, Peace, Joy and Acceptance. However, more often than not, what we find is that relationships are more like sandpaper. Smoothing out our rough edges and exposing our unhealed wounds.
I wanted to talk today about the story we tell ourselves. Each one of us has a story and each one of us can absolutely REWRITE the narrative of our story.
For a lot of us, the stories we’ve held onto began back in childhood. We heard (or felt) things like we weren’t attractive enough, we were too fat or too skinny, or we weren’t the sharpest tool in the shed. You fill in the blank. The thing is that’s NOT our story. Those were simply opinions of others that we allowed to stick to us throughout our lives. By allowing those labels to stick, we began to believe they were true and lived our lives as such.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
I’ve been thinking lately about the phrase “Purpose in the Pain” and how Life changing it can be if we see our experiences through that lens.
Living in this world of ours means at some point in our Life, we will ALL experience some level of pain, loss, or heartache. I’m sure if we could choose NOT to go through any of that we would, at least I know I would. Unfortunately, that’s not reality and pain, loss and even heartache are unavoidable. So how do we make Peace then with those things when they happen to us? I believe it’s by seeing “the Purpose in the Pain”.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the cycles we tend to repeat especially when it comes to relationships. I guess it’s because I myself have been enlightened through my own experiences to see how I was repeating patterns in romantic relationships.
Today I wanted to share some thoughts regarding manipulation when it comes to relationships. This is something near and dear to my heart, probably because I’ve personally experienced it (in two completely different ways) in my past relationships.
When it comes to manipulation, no one really likes to admit it’s happening to them, especially when it comes to a romantic partner. We like to believe we’re too smart to be manipulated and we would detect it right away. That would never happen to me, right? Not necessarily.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have patterns of behaviors that we established back in our childhood to survive the environment we were living in no matter how good or bad our experiences were. We ALL played a role in our families growing up. Problems arise, however, when we enter into relationships and these patterns get exposed. Dynamics change and break ups occur. We’re left wondering WHY our relationships never seem to work out for us or WHY we always attract the same type of person.
I think we can probably all agree that relationships take work. When you're in the right one, it's probably easier and when you're in the wrong one, it's more challenging.
In this episode I share with you my own thoughts about "familiarity" in a relationship after an abusive one as I reflect on my life in 2023.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
All of us are in some sort of relationship today. Whether it is with friends, family, spouse or a romantic relationship any of them can come to an end. When that happens, we all want some level of closure. If you were in a relationship where you were both mature, healthy adults, having closure means you each accept the relationship is over and own your part in that. It’s saying goodbye, wishing them well, and focusing on your own Healing Journey.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In a world where challenges seem to be a daily occurrence, there’s a time when “Being the Bigger Person” or as some people say “Taking the High Road” is valuable, especially when dealing with difficult or toxic people.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
Trusting your intuition sounds like it should be an easy thing to do but unfortunately that’s not always the case, especially when it comes to relationships and our emotions are involved. Lines get blurred and we mistake our fears for our intuition.
So, how can you learn to really “trust your gut” and discern the difference between fearful, anxious emotions from past experiences and what your intuition is really telling you?
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
Loving yourself enough to put yourself first. Well if that isn’t something we’ve heard our whole life, how it is incredibly selfish to do. Not only is that an untrue statement but it is imperative for us to do so.
Standing up for yourself. What an awesome concept, right? Easy? Not really. Uncomfortable, yes! Something you can learn? Absolutely.
Despite common beliefs, standing up for yourself does NOT mean you’re a bitch. Quite the contrary. It means you’ve arrived at this place in Life where you know who you are and what you’ll tolerate from others in the way that they treat you. You’ve realized your Worth and the importance of guarding your heart. Drawing a line in the sand shows maturity, evolution, and healing on your part.
Today I want to chat about being with the right person for YOU in a relationship. I don’t know about you but I have several people in my life who are with someone and find themselves wondering if they’re really with the right person for them.
I think the majority of people who are in relationships are looking for a life partner. Sure, you are going to run into people who are serial daters and have no interest in commitment but most of us want something long-term with the right person. I mean who wants to spend a lot of time investing in a relationship with the wrong person although, we do it.
In this episode, I want to share some thoughts with you on what a “Healthy vs. Unhealthy” relationship looks like. I’m pretty sure none of us are in a relationship because we want a bad one but unfortunately sometimes that’s where we find ourselves. So how can you make sure you don’t end up there?
You know the statement “We attract what we are”? Well, there’s validity to it.
In this episode, I’m going to share my thoughts on why I believe “You Can’t Fix Anyone”. Many of us enter a relationship with the thought (whether consciously or subconsciously) that we can fix certain things about a person. While I DO believe that we can inspire people, we simply don’t have the power to change anyone. Believing that you can blinds you to what is staring you right in the face, red flags.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about how “Toxicity Takes a Toll” especially when it comes to relationships. However, it also applies to a toxic work environment, a family household or even a friendship.
So, how do you know when something is toxic?
In this episode, I’m going to talk about how “Red Flags Don’t Lie”. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, especially one that ends up being abusive, you no doubt felt a check in your gut at some point because of behavior that felt “off”. They are called red flags and they don’t lie.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about how to remember that “YOU Matter”. It’s not always easy in this world of ours to feel like we do; matter that is. We get lost in relationships, responsibilities and caring for others more than we care for ourselves. We are left wondering if we are contributing at all to this great thing we call Life.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Manipulators and Why We Attract Them”. If you’ve ever been in a dysfunctional, abusive or toxic relationship there is a reason why this type of person was attracted to you. They are emotional manipulators.
So why do we attract these emotional manipulators?
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Choosing From a Place of Fear”. How many of us, myself included, have made decisions based on fear? Whether we admit it or not, we tend to choose the path that is most comfortable or familiar. And yet, some of the most profound changes in our lives come from the decisions we make when we don’t allow fear to reign.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Facing Old Wounds Head On” especially when it comes to relationships. We’ve ALL been wounded but HOW you deal with those wounds is what will impact your life going forward.
Most of our wounds stem from childhood, past trauma and abusive broken relationships. When we get hurt, it’s a natural response to put on armor and build walls as a defense mechanism against incredible pain. We self-protect. While protecting your heart is important, old wounds must be faced head on so you stop repeating the same cycle.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “The Cost of Keeping the Peace” when it comes to relationships. Enduring a toxic abusive relationship for any period of time, whether it is a personal one or even a business one, always comes with a price and unfortunately, YOU are the one who pays it.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Codependent Relationships”. Being codependent can affect all types of relationships but I’m going to share with you what a codependent romantic relationship looks like whether you are married, living together or just dating.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “What We Tolerate in the Name of Love”. Love is probably one of the most misused and romanticized words when it comes to relationships. Regardless of whether someone is in a mediocre relationship or a toxic, abusive one, if you ask why them why they are staying the answer is always the same…because I love them…or do we? It’s a question I personally was challenged to find the answer to when I was in a narcissistic abusive marriage.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Healthy Communication in Relationships”. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, a spouse, q co-worker or q friend, learning how to communicate effectively is the KEY to living a drama free life when it comes to relationships. Whether we know it or not, we all have a “style” when it comes to communication. That “style” has no doubt been influenced by our life experiences, whether it be past or present.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Trusting Yourself Again”. This is a tough one. It was a tough one for me personally so I hope you find this helpful. Whether you’ve just come out of a narcissistic abusive relationship, or even if you’re still having to deal with one, learning how to trust again is the challenge.
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Attracting the Wrong Person”. We’ve all been there at some point in our lives when we look back at our failed relationships and, whether we want to admit it or not, we start to see a pattern. Why do we keep getting involved with the wrong type of person?
Welcome to the Dontbeacrumbqueen podcast. My name is Sher and I’m your host.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “Being Alone and Being OK”. There are several reasons why we find ourselves alone. For some, it’s a choice and for others it’s where they’ve currently found themselves. No matter the reason, being alone is actually not a bad thing. It can be a Blessing in disguise. If you have just experienced the break-up of a relationship or a divorce, being alone may be a difficult adjustment but I hope you choose to see it as an opportunity for growth and not a prison sentence.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “When Relationships Fail”. Although we have many different kinds of relationships in our life, the break-ups I’m referring to are those that involve the heart. It doesn’t matter if it was a romantic relationship or a marriage, it hurts when it ends.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about “The Power of Your Thoughts”. The mind is a VERY powerful thing. It can become a toxic wasteland or a sea of encouragement and strength. We determine the outcome by what we allow through our thoughts. It’s true what they say, you ARE what you THINK.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “The Truth About Love”. It’s amazing how those 4 little letters can cause us the greatest Joy and the deepest pain.
Love is something we’ve searched for, or continue to search for, our entire lives. As a child, we longed for nothing more than to be Loved by our parents so we could feel “special” and to know that we mattered. If that eluded us, we eventually looked for that Love in another. That person we found, made us feel all of the things we’ve been longing for and we called it “love”.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “Unhealthy Behaviors and How to Unlearn them”. If there is one thing we ever do in Life, I hope it’s this. Unlearn unhealthy behaviors.
We don’t start out in life with unhealthy behaviors. They are simply “learned”. Learned as a result of coping mechanisms we developed back in our childhood. I’ve shared how the way I was raised created a “silence and compliance” mentality within me. Additionally, my mother’s struggle with her weight shaped me into a rescuer and a people pleaser. My father’s inability to tell me “I Love You” left me longing for approval that I searched for in all the wrong places. I just wanted to know that I was good enough.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “Forgiving Yourself” especially after the ending of a bad relationship or marriage. It’s the time when we tend to beat ourselves up the most. “How could I have been so stupid?” Looking back, we now see the red flags that we ignored. Bu that’s the beauty of hindsight though, it’s always crystal clear.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “Overcoming Fear”. Fear is something we have all experienced and the reasons vary but when it comes to narcissistic abuse, well, it can be absolutely paralyzing.
Fear is a very natural emotion. It motivates us to either take flight or fight. Fear warns you about danger and you will feel your body respond. Your heart may start to race, you feel sick to your stomach, you feel sweaty, and maybe even a little dizzy. Panic sets in as your mind is racing. You create every worse scenario you can think of.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “The Root of Rejection”. This is a topic that unfortunately, we can ALL relate to. Everyone, at some point in time in their life, hassuffered rejection.
It is defined as dismissal, refusal, non-acceptance, declining, shutting out or the spurning of a person’s affections. All of which are hurtful and detrimental.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “Is a Narcissist Ever Sorry?” When you’ve spent years of your life with someone who has found pleasure in treating you like shit and you finally leave, you wonder “are they sorry for what they’ve done or do they simply just move on to the next person without blinking?”
In this episode I’m going to talk about “What the Narcissist is Afraid Of”. We don’t always think of someone who is a narcissist as being afraid of anything especially since the persona they portray is mighty aggressive, however there is plenty that causes them tremendous fear.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “How a Narcissist Uses Guilt”. Generally speaking any manipulative person will use this tactic but a narcissist, well, they take it to the next level. In addition to their constant belittling comments, keeping you bound in “false” guilt is the perfect passive-aggressive game. It allows them to remain the “victim” while you end up feeling “bad” (or shameful) when you didn’t do anything wrong. It is a viscous cycle that only YOU can break.
Letting go of anything can be challenging especially when it comes to relationships. It can be even more difficult when you’ve been living in a chaotic, toxic relationship for a long period of time. The thought of it all suddenly going quiet can be a little overwhelming. Letting go is finality and you have to mean it.
In this episode I’m going to talk about When a Narcissist Gaslights You. Out of all the tactics they use, this is one of their favorite methods of manipulation. It is very destructive for the victim.
According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary the official definition of gaslighting is: the psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence, self-esteem, and a dependency on the perpetrator.
One thing you can count on after the relationship has been dissolved with the narcissist, is they will always try to come back but not for the reasons you think. They may try right after the break-up or it may be months or years down the road especially if they feel like they have a chance at playing on your heart strings. They will always keep you on the “possible” supply list unless you’ve cut the cord for good.
In this episode I’m going to talk about something that I believe everyone has felt at one time or another. Although I’m speaking from a woman’s point of view, I’m sure men too have pondered the proverbial question, Am I Enough?
Settling in a relationship is probably the last thing any of us wants to do and yet, we do it. The words “don’t settle for less than what you deserve” ring through our head as we find ourselves giving reasons to justify the “stay”. The reasons why we choose to stay longer than we should are many. Although some of the reasons in a marriage may be slightly different than a romantic relationship, they can be applied to both. If you’re wondering if you’re settling, whether in a marriage or a romantic relationship, it’s going to take real honesty on your part to find out if you truly are.
In this episode I’m going to talk about something I’ve personally struggled with a lot, forgiveness, especially when it comes to forgiving a Narcissist. If you know anything about forgiveness it’s most likely because you’ve heard about it at some point in time in your life at church. The message that was (and still is) preached is that we should forgive others because we have been forgiven. But why? Why am I supposed to give my offender a “get out of jail free” card while I’m left holding my bleeding heart. It didn’t sound fair and I didn’t like it one bit.
In this episode I’m going to talk about something that I feel is one of the most difficult things to experience, the Pain of Betrayal. The violation of trust that comes from a betrayal is extremely difficult to overcome in any relationship, married or not. I personally am a firm believer that once a cheater always a cheater, especially when dealing with a narcissist. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. At least that’s been my personal experience.
In this episode I’m going to talk about something most of you have probably heard of but may not fully understand, “Emotional Triggers”. Traumatic past experiences (or PTSD) are the root of what causes us to be triggered. Those experiences could be from a variety of sources, but I’m going to talk about how it affects you as a narcissistic abuse survivor.
In this episode I’m going to talk about “Responding vs. Reacting to a narcissist”. I cannot tell you how important this skill is to learn and to put into action. It will not only make you a better communicator but it can be applied to many areas of your life, not just to disarm a narcissist.
In this episode I’m going to talk about going “No Contact” with the narcissist. This is probably the most important skill you’ll need to learn when you end the abusive relationship with them. It’s important for two reasons 1) You won’t be able to heal and move on without it and 2) If not enforced, you allow the narcissist to continue to torment you.
In this episode I’m going to talk about the Narcissist and the New Supply. Are they really happier with them? Oh how the narcissist would love for you to think so!
In this episode I’m going to talk about a common question we often ask ourselves after we’ve stepped out of a narcissistic abusive relationship. “Did the Narcissist Ever Love Me?”
In this episode, I’ll be talking about “Rebuilding Your Self Esteem”. Although there can be several reasons why our self-esteem has taken a heavy hit, I’m going to talk about how to rebuild it after it’s been decimated by narcissistic abuse.
In this episode, I’ll be talking about “Rebuilding Your Self Esteem”. Although there can be several reasons why our self-esteem has taken a heavy hit, I’m going to talk about how to rebuild it after it’s been decimated by narcissistic abuse.
In this episode I’m going to share with you my experience “Divorcing a Narcissist”. Although I can’t tell you what to do in your specific situation, I will offer you some things to think about if you are ready to take that leap and end your marriage.
In this episode, I’ll be talking about “Discarding (Leaving) a Narcissist”. While I’m not going to tell you how to discard a narcissist, I will be sharing what to expect when you do it first. I like to think of this as taking out the trash. You’ve finally decided you’re going to get rid of what you no longer need.
In this episode, I’ll be talking about the one question most of us in an abusive relationship have heard, “Why Don’t You Just Leave?” Usually asked by a well-intended person who has never known abuse, it sounds pretty simple right? Just leave.
IF ONLY it were that easy.
In this episode, I wanted to share with you how being in a relationship with a highly dysfunctional narcissistic person will change you. THAT is a guarantee but how it changes you, well, that is up to you.
In this episode, I’ll be diving into a little more detail about “WHAT IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?”
I want to start off by saying that not everyone who manipulates or tries to control another person is necessarily a narcissist. We can all have self-absorbed tendencies but with a narcissist, there are some strong commonalities in both personality traits and abuse tactics. These tactics can be in the form of emotional, verbal, financial, and sometimes even physical abuse.