Diving Into The Shadow: Recent Episodes
Diving Into The Shadow
A podcast about facing the most difficult truths using your voice, your hands, your mind, and the natural world.
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Chapter 2 - Episode 8 :Coyote Bait
Finding hobbies in your birth chart, a realization, s club 7, quitting before getting good, sadness, songwriting, and how the 3 of wands indicates emotional avoidance.
Why I can't get my phone back, temperance revisited, more insight into March 2022, mom bullies, reading the audience and I clarify 2 important details at the end. I also used the words "fled the state" at the end of the episode; but would have liked to have said, "left the state to seek help." My sense of humor gets the best of me and sometimes people take it seriously.
The trauma of becoming homeless, the fire, PTSD, psych ward story, capricorns, my cousin and reading the audience.
https://www.slhn.org/lehighton
Why I love the number 5, the struggle of expressing duality, clues in your birth chart house signs, a story about vacation with Aunt Debbi & Uncle Allan, and I read the audience again.
https://www.slhn.org/lehighton
The weight of my abuse resulted in a 3-week stay in a behavioral health unit. I talk about my experience, medication, Venus/Pluto conjunctions, the 3 of pentacles, my instagram drawings, the road ahead, and more.
https://www.slhn.org/lehighton
6 of cups, what I did with my wedding ring, and the time I performed witch craft. I also sing again - this time, you don't have to read between the lines.
Show Notes:
Lyrics - I Started A Fire
I started a fire
Now they know you're a liar
Feel your flames getting higher
Coming down to the wire
I painted a story
You used it to destroy me
Called on your army
To lure me and harm me
You stole my companions
They left me stranded
You're so damn underhanded
And they're just as branded
They watched and they waited
For the girl they now hated
To finally suffer
Keep their secrets all covered
I had to accept it
Was alone in the trenches
Did what was expected
To go undetected
You almost lost her
Among all the fodder
If no one believes her
We don't have to fear her
But I walk in the shadows
I find comfort in battle
It's like controlling cattle
With the sound of a rattle
People start to awake now
Understand what I say now
Feel encouraged to pray now
To keep evil at bay now
The lesson you now know
As you walk through the cold snow
Be careful what you throw
When you dive in the shadow
When you dive in the shadow
I started a fire
Now they know you're a liar
I started a fire
Now they know you're a liar
Now they know you're a liar
I tried to leave my husband and failed miserably. I had to take on the label of a sick and paranoid woman as I used my podcast as both a decoy and an outlet while I planned a new way to leave. I never expected people in the city I live in to hear my personal medical history or my podcast before they met me. I never expected my friend and a woman I considered a mother-figure to work behind my back with my abuser. But when you share your vulnerable self with the world around you, you lose control over what happens to you. Some people can't accept difficult truths so they call you sick and they call you a liar because they don't want to believe that what has happened could actually happen to a person; or worse, that they participated in it and they were on the wrong side. I lost almost everything through this experience, but life must go on and I still need to make a life worth living. I will share the experience of rebuilding my life so that those who find themselves in similar situations can have hope.
I ask you to listen to this episode without someone else's words clouding your perception of me. Sometimes your best friend turns out to be your worst enemy.
I have finally completed what I tried to do in March; solely by using my voice, my hands, my mind, and the natural world.
When you put someone up for public execution and you're wrong...it turns on you ten-fold.
divingintotheshadow for episode illustrations
It turns out there IS a wicked witch of Shelton Connecticut; but it's not me.
divingintotheshadow on instagram for episode illustrations.
I address the rumors and is Darla capable of change? I definitely think so.
divingintotheshadow on instagram for episode illustrations.
I use my voice to take back my power, and offer it to those who are too afraid to. This episode also covers the 8 of swords in Tarot.
divingintotheshadow on instagram for episode illustrations
(Lyrics) Motive
I found the gumption to give it up
Let the shadow fall and fill the cup
My mind is certain, time is up
Julius Caesar was man enough
What's your motive?
Really what's your motive?
Locomotive diving in the ocean
Made of Steel, who's driving at the wheel?
It's your darkness, making you so heartless
Set it free
Sing it to the trees
Carve it in the sand
Set fire with your hand
No other way to give it up
Replace the darkness with some other love
The moon awakens a pivotal sun
Centrifugal forces have just begun
What's your motive?
Really what's your motive?
Locomotive diving in the ocean
Made of Steel, who's driving at the wheel?
It's your darkness, making you so heartless
Set it free
Sing it to the trees
Carve it in the sand
Set fire with your hand
Gazes like a familiar touch
Juggle the moment, surrender the rush
A mind at play is a mind in love
And Mercury shines on your wheel of luck.
What's your motive?
Really what's your motive?
Locomotive diving in the ocean
Made of Steel, who's driving at the wheel?
It's your darkness, making you so heartless
Set it free
Sing it to the trees
Carve it in the sand
Set fire with your hand
Tarot, working under pressure, the nature of criticism, gossip, angry couple energy, happy couple energy, weed, temperance, and the power of the 4 elements.
divingintotheshadow on instagram for episode illustrations
Episode Mentions:
Toni Braxton - Breathe Again
Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
New perspectives, major life changes, mourning loss with laughter, and the funniest waiter to have ever lived. Another song is shared.
Lyrics:
I'll have you fooled mother f* by the sleight of my hand you think you're in command of me
But I'm a cool mother f* ripping open my soul and you opened your door to me
Now you're shook mother f* but you're caught in the rain and your heart overturns your brain
Then you're hooked mother f* are you down for the ride feel the rush of the eagle tide.
It won't be long mother f* till you come to a stand run in fear or you take my hand
What will it be mother f* is there even a choice to return to your toys again
Happy Easter!
Mother Nature Lyrics:
The archer watched me for years Manifesting all of my fears But pain is a drain And now my life switches gears Evil is funny Had me working for money I’ll wait at the gate as ego clears And you held me And you loved me You reached down From above me You guided and provided In a time when I was hiding You waited you were patient And when I sought Out your graces You lifted the partition And you listened to my wishes You walked me through the valley And we'll dance at the finale Cause I made it to the gate and I embrace all of the changes It was a slippery slope when I was trying to cope Life gave me a mountain And I found a rope I took on a mission But something was missing Climbing in fear instead of hope But you held me You loved me You reached down From above me You guided and provided In a time when I was hiding You waited you were patient And when I sought Out your graces You lifted the partition As you listened to my wishes You walked me through the valley Now we dance at the finale Cause I made it to the gate and I embrace all of the changes We never suffer in vain There’s always wisdom to gain And though pain is a drain We can dance in the rain No you are not insane This is simply your lane You can handle the blows That destiny throws Cause hardship is given To those who have vision Born with the power To face the darkest hour And she’ll hold you And she’ll love you She’ll reach down From above you She’ll guide you And provide you With a landing that’ll tide you Just wait and be patient And if you fall from your graces She’s lifting the partition As she listens to your wishes She’ll walk you through the valley And you’ll dance at the finale Cause you’ll make it to the gate if You embrace all of the changes
I explain my absence after reaching a breaking point. Also discussed: how my spiritual beliefs relieve anxiety, family stories, my husband/my marriage, the power of storms, new beginnings, what it's like to be in a psych hold, and I sing the most important song I've written yet (lyrics below).
Special Thanks to Sue at blackbearwoodcraft.com
Song Lyrics:
Mother Nature, by me :)
the archer watched me for years
manifesting all of my fears
but pain is a drain
and now my life switches gears
the ego is funny
had me working for money
now I wait at the gate as freedom nears
you held me
you loved me
you reached down
from above me
you guided and provided
in times when I was hiding
you waited, you were patient
and when I sought out your graces
you lifted the partition
and you listened to my wishes
you walked me through the valley
now we dance at the finale
cause I made it to the gate and
I embrace all of the changes
it was a slippery slope
while I was trying to cope
life gave me a mountain
and I brought the rope
I took on a mission
but something was missing
was climbing in fear instead of hope
but you held me
and you loved me
and you reached down
from above me
you guided and provided
in times when I was hiding
you waited, you were patient
and when I sought out your graces
you lifted the partition
and you listened to my wishes
and you walked me through the valley
now we dance at the finale
cause I made it to the gate and
I embrace all of the changes
we never suffer in vain
there's always wisdom to gain
and though pain is a drain
we can dance in the rain
no you are not insane
this is simply your lane
and you can handle the blows that destiny throws
cause hardship is given
to those who have vision
born with the power
to face the darkest hour
and she'll hold you
and she'll love you
and she'll reach down
from above you
she'll guide you, and provide you
with a landing that'll tide you
just wait and be patient
and when you seek out her graces
she's liftin' the partition
as she listens to your wishes
and she'll walk you through the valley
and you'll dance at the finale
cause you'll make it to the gate if
you embrace all of the changes
I've finally figured out who I am and what I want. Is money the root of all evil? It's possible. I also sing another song I wrote.
Lyrics to 'Stars Above' by me :)
The connections getting deeper each day I repeat the love
My heart belongs to keeper of the stars above
And I could waste a lifetime working for the dough
But the truth is that it's stupid, confidence is worth more than you know
And when the day comes, you take a peek down at your feet and your heart loves the way you are recovering
It seems now that you know, contrary to show
The stars are guiding you along the road
What good is life if you can't do what your soul needs
Because your burdened and your hurting pulled down in the weeds
Turns out you can pluck yourself out of the ground, and move over to the clover
Release what you have lost, look what you've found
And when the day comes, you take a peek down at your feet and your heart loves the voice you are discovering
It seems now that you know, contrary to show
The stars are guiding you along the road
I spent enough time working for the dough
Cold and lonely and it only robbed me of a soul
But now I've cleared the path, I'm ready to bloom
Looks like I'll be going to the moon
And when the day comes, you take a peek down at your feet and your heart loves the voice you are uncovering
It seems now that you know
Contrary to show
The stars are guiding you along the road
This week I talk about Jupiter, Medusa, food addiction, gifts, plants, self-image, santa clause energy, and I sing another song that I wrote.
Show Notes:
Weave Your Bliss - Paula Crossfield
Laura Lenhard - talismanandcauldron.com
Thank you Laura! <3
Song Lyrics
"Jupiter" by me :)
Why do I abuse myself with consumption
Feel the rush and can't even function
Should really quit but don't have the gumption
Now I've found myself at a junction
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Looking up I see a yellow beacon
He offers me mystical treatment
I reveal what I'm seeking
Feel the grip of compulsion weaken
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Messages filled with enchantment
Teaching how to transform expansion
Remove impulses implanted
Suddenly my wishes are granted
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
They'll be a day I look up to see you
Heart the same but all else is brand new
Looking to the mirror see a girl who
Traded habits in for greater value
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
Jupiter
I dive into humiliating childhood moments, gifts from the spirit world, natal birth charts, and I face a life-long fear of singing as I follow the path of my true node. Song Lyrics:
Cast You Out Of My Heart
By: me :)
My heart although it’s aching
Knows it’s love I should be making
All the time you keep on taking
It’s tearing me apart
You live inside my head
But it’s my soul on which you’ve fed
Oh come on dirty little devil I cast you out of my heart
(oooo) Dirty little devil you’re tearing me apart
(oooo) Dirty little devil I cast you out of my heart
Winds of freedom are approaching
But my doubt is only growing
That’s how you keep me from knowing
My power to depart
You want me to believe in
All your lies and your deceiving
Oh you dirty little devil, I cast you out of my heart
(oooo) Dirty little devil you’re tearing me apart
(oooo) Dirty little devil I cast you out of my heart
How many times I gotta tell you I don’t want you?
My time, my money, my life
Danced on my soul with your fife
You’re taking it all
Left me with nobody to call
Enjoying the fall
Like I was your voodoo doll
Bawling to the moon at night
Begging for a clearer sight
Fight until the morning light
Just to get you out my mind
You’re calling me now
As I scribble these vows
That will send you away
So I can live for another day
Listen to me when I say
You have no power over me
I am free
I can choose
So I walk away from you
(ooo) Dirty little devil, I cast you out of my heart
(oooo) Dirty little devil, I cast you out of my heart
(oooo) Dirty little devil, I cast you out of my heart
The details of my internal battle, sensory issues, burger king, men in black, universal studios, the power in a box of old hallmark cards, and the introduction of a new segment; magic moments. Episode Mentions: Rider-Waite Tarot Deck
I get to the bottom of my deepest most hidden fear, self-imposed illusions, tarot, nightmares, dreams, and I finally give up on an internal battle with my ego.
McDonalds fries, car-crying and harassment in the workplace. Have you ever told someone about an experience you had, but left out a detail because it was too uncomfortable to say? This one's for you.
In the words of the talented Jim Croce, "I got a name" and in this episode, I share it with you. Also, skim milk, Frank Sinatra and wild softball coaches. This one's for you Grandma!
Wounds can be healed; curses can be broken - the key to it all is a new perspective. A message to my family.
This episode is all about the magical moon and how a 5th grade bully brought out my savage sleuth skills.
Show Notes:
Contact the creator of this podcast at mindofamentallyillmom@gmail.com
View the visual artwork for this episode on Instagram at:
instagram.com/mindofamentallyillmom
Mentioned in this episode:
Moon Playlist:
Love of Life by Marla & David Celia
Ripple by Grateful Dead
Reach Out I'll Be There by Four Tops
Infinite Sun by Kula Shaker
Hang On Little Tomato by Pink Martini
Dedicated To The One I Love by The Mamas & The Papas
Daughter by Pearl Jam
Smooth by Santana
Skating Away by Jethro Tull
Tracks Of My Tears by Smokey Robinson
Don't Come Around Here No More by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
I Got A Name by Jim Croce
Distant Dreamer by Duffy
The River Of Dreams by Billy Joel
Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream
Cry Baby by Janis Joplin
What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted by Jimmy Ruffin
Across The Universe by The Beatles
Sadness Is A Blessing by Lykke Li
With A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Cocker
Janglin by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Hands by Jewel
We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger
Rome by Sam Cooke
Do You Believe In Magic by The Lovin' Spoonful
Turn Turn Turn by The Byrds
Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac
Only For You by Heartless Bastards
Just One Look by Doris Troy
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word by Elton John
Houses Of The Holy by Led Zeppelin
The Tarot, my husband, our past, and how a run-in at the gas station showed me that I'm changing for the better.
Bob Marley once said, "When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself." I tried it at 30, and here's what I think.
In this episode I share what it's like trying to find a therapist when your mind is in The Upside Down and your willpower is diminishing.
Join me as I expose myself to the highest degree. Strap in tight...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
This week we take a ride down food memory lane and the topic takes an unexpected, yet enlightening turn. Uh-Oh spaghetti-o's, indeed.
On this episode, we take a trip back to the early 90's; a simpler time. Until one hot summer day when evil appeared...in the form of a diving board. This episode is not for the faint of heart.
After various anti-depressants, years of talk therapy, and a lifetime of hiding her true self; this mentally ill mom finally takes a deep-dive into her memories, in hopes that the brutal honesty of the truth will set her free; one episode at a time. In episode 1, she takes you back to the early 2000's...the internet was all about Ebaum's world and Ebay, and there were no smart phones; but there was photoshop...
Follow the visual journey at mindofamentallyillmom on instagram