Sexy Umy: Recent Episodes
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I am Umy. I am an artist, an empath/synesthete, a cognitive linguist. My book is about humanity.
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I know that some symptoms are innate: they’re my personal traits, my personality, or even my ego...
I wrote down, I told, I read…
I fall in love with it.
—————————
Creation never ends.
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Sexy individuals.
“We care about you, about your words, your voices, your appearance, your every detail, always.”
- Since 1991, people around me.
Now I understand the quote above.
The ones who’ve been around me,
Are sexy.
umychang #sexy_umy
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When I am hungry to death, I hate gossip about relationships.
Such as „I am having feeling for whom“, „who is fond of me“, „I heart you“, „starting a romance, again…“,
What the hell is going on now?
I need a Spicy Ramen, right now.
Oh~My~God!
This is terribly amazing!
I see the light, it is my sunshine.
My body is turning hot,
I am feeling so sexy.
Oh~~~Oh~~Yeah~~
umychang #sexy_umy
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How to be cognitively sexy?
My horror of showing lust arises in the moment of creation, which means that I am worried about becoming an erotic star from my writing, or a sex actress through my photos. Why don't I stop writing?
Because I know better, my thoughts are exaggerated. I'm scaring myself.
When I look at erotic images, I do have desires and fantasies about the objects in the images. Through fantasizing about them do I release the pressure and feel very comfortable afterward. At the moment of watching erotic videos, I like them: the ones in clips, in my mind, in my fantasies.
It’s not a shame at all,
Nor is it scary at all.
I know that it is within my super imagination,
And I appreciate their works and content.
I distinguish them from the real individuals in life.
I like them, and I thank them.
———————————————
How sexy have I just come up with?
I admire it.
umychang #sexy_umy
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How to make my soul sexy?
It is my soul, not my being,
that I fall in love with.
Happy Umy,
Happy Valentine.
umychang
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Role-based Training in Life.
I like to describe my orientation to finding a life partner as „sapiosexual". This is an academic term. No worries, I don’t take its regular definition. I just borrowed the name and interpret it myself:
Sapio-, means „wisdom“.
I use my wisdom to measure my current status, discovering the one who can weigh my tension and grow my lightness, to stay together. Although the time to get along with each other may be limited, during this relationship, I can let go of more pressure and anxiety than when I was staying single.
„Oh My Goodness! I found out that I am actually a fool. I have a very bad temper. I am really annoying. I think this kind of me would hurt people who get close to me.
Why don't you say it before the relationship starts? I didn't know at that time, I was fooling around. I keep thinking about many things. I detected others' actions, listened to gossip, and imagined „what I would look like in others’ minds“. I can't care about my relationship.
I do care „what I look like“. This is me. I seem to be very easy-going, but I am always hiding something deeply."
I mind it. I have secrets, I have things I am 100% aware of, but I don’t want to show them. I just need to know them clearly, and understand why I will have a certain secret…Because „I am tired. I am acting like a person I don’t want to be. I am acting. I am tired of this acting.“
What do I mind for now?
All my looks as an individual.
sexy_umy #lastthreeepisodes
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My Orientation Differs.
Thinking about it seriously, who would I want to have a love romance with?
With Kong Liu, the Korean superstar. And Anri Nakamura, I just knew her recently, in Japanese dramas and in magazine interviews. If Eddie Redmayne is single, I am craving badly.
Have I ever sexually fantasized about them? No.
But thinking of them makes me shiver.
I confirmed my sexual orientation. But there is no way to be sure, who I will fall in love with. How could this be?
Because sexual orientation is a personal trait.
Not my love radar.
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Sexual Orientation.
American Psychological Association (2005, Interpreted from Kinsey): Sexual Orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from exclusive homosexuality to exclusive heterosexuality and includes various forms of bisexuality.
Umy(2021)：
Hetero—Me———Homo
We can distinguish sexual orientation by the „degree" towards the two extremes. So totally, how many kinds of sexual orientations can we have?
We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.
I confirmed my degree within the two extremes as about 70% heterosexual and 30% homosexual. I am bisexual. I am bisexual with 70% Androphilia and 30% Gynephila.
If my partner is biologically female, I am currently homo. If my partner is biologically male, I am now hetero.
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Genders & Pornography.
What is the average age of a child’s first exposure to porn? Age 11? Maybe much earlier, since websites often have pornographic advertisements and news appearing around the web pages. I am distracted: I saw it, I took a look at it.
When I see the close-up shot of a human’s private parts, I feel uneasy. When I read some sensational news, I become curious. If I glimpse the clip, I will be sexually aroused: But soon, I feel embarrassed, I lay on the bed, annoyedly. I want to punch someone, I'm furious.
Give me gentle clips, or plain texts. And romance!
That’s right.
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Genders and Gossips.
Talking about genders, these are the most gossip sayings I’ve heard. „Why do you stay single? Always flirting with guys? So lewd!“ "You know this blue joke? Hey girl, that’s not good.“ "Your friends are all GAYs, are you sick too?“ „Queers don't have sexuality, that’s horrible." „You’ve never dated with anyone? Are you asexual?"
Without understanding those terms, I said it out rudely.
There are many gender terms that I don’t know, and there are many gender categories that I actually don’t understand. As I heard that they are different in "gender", I know that one of their personal traits is different from mine, so I am afraid: What kind of person are they?
At first, I thought I was telling a joke. In fact, I have no manner and no common sense.
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Gender and Personal Traits.
Most of my friends are heterosexual, but there are also many homosexuals and some bisexuals. How did I discover their sexual preferences? I didn't find it, they told me directly.
I don’t have Gaydar, and I do guess theirs wrong! I often think of hetero boys as homos, because he and one of my gay friends is so alike...especially their personal traits.
But then I realize that even my homo friends differ in their behaviors and expressions. Mr.A has a soft voice and is really tough, while Mr.B has a husky voice but is always wavering. Who is more GAY? I can’t tell.
What can I do then? I can only regard them as “two different person-s.”
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Genders & Dignity.
I am a bit traumatized.
Where? In the library and in the underground parking lot, someone followed me. In the swimming pool and on the bus, the person heading-on in the opposite lane stretched his hand into my swimsuit, and the guy sitting next to me used his elbow to squeeze my breasts.
When? At the moment of getting on and off the MRT, a stranger pressed a boy's bottoms.
I feel awful when recalling these memories.
It was me being harmed and assaulted, why did I keep blaming myself and thinking that it was my fault? “You, who assaulted me, this is your problem.”
Besides, is it easier to sexually assault a boy or man? Maybe yes, because they care about dignity.
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Genders & Favors.
I treat everyone who likes me as potential sexual assault.
I am afraid of them. Because I thought that if I reject them, I would get into troubles. So I pretended to be calm, polite, and gave no response.
What if they reject my favor?
I know that my biological sex is included in their sexual preferences. So I tried to get along with them. When they rejected me, I felt sad and I kept asking why.
But I know that we are feeling uncomfortable and nervous, so I decide to stay alone.
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Genders & Relationships.
When I hear the word Relationship, I often think of „sexual relationship" directly.
When I hear the phrase…
GAY with whom...: I have an image of two boys kissing, as is depicted in the BoyLove comics.
GAY is not dating anyone: If he is my friend, I’ll often ask him out for dining and shopping!
Girls' school: When I was in girls' school, I had feelings for the girl in the other class, and another girl wrote love letters to me. I was worried that I would be affected and become a lesbian.
Going to university: When I went to university, I started dating boys, I was certain that I should be heterosexual.
However, as I attended middle schools, even until now, I often fantasize about... Mariah Carey. We are naked and we are intimate with each other. And if the plot is too exciting, I will come.
I swear! I have no sexual relationships with Mariah Carey.
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Genders and Offsprings.
Will homosexuality cause human extinction?
I found that they are similar to families that don’t give birth, or have infertile problems. I know that for gender-diverse couples, they can adopt children together, and they can give birth artificially. But now, in Taiwan, it is not yet available and legal to do both.
They are the same as me.
They have the ability to nurture life.
They can’t cause human extinction.
Then I am not sure: How do two dads raise one girl? How do they teach her masturbation and menstruation?
But I am sure: If it is me, I will find a way to teach them „how to normally deal with their sexual impulses, feminine periods, and terrible feelings“.
Just me alone, I can do it.
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Sexual Affection.
I like {Clean people. People without terrible breath. People who exercise regularly. People who speak profoundly: with tender voice, in a smooth pace. People who get a gentle posture. People with natural curves on the lower arms: those curves may be due to frequent clothes-washing or hard work. People who trim body hair. }
The above { } is my "Sexual Affection Zone".
I am used to finding, getting in touch with, and evaluating a suitable partner within this zone.
Especially personal hygiene, it directly affects my feelings towards people.
Poor hygiene, poor us.
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Sexy.
I say I am sexy, am I being lustful?
You say that I am sexy, are you obscene?
I used to scare myself. I always put a "taboo" mark on certain words. So, when I heard the word „Sexy“, I was nervous. I was cautious and I looked around: "Is someone trying to assault me?". But when I describe myself as Sexy, I look at my posture in the mirror, my behavior in the photos, and my expression in the text, I feel more relieved, „Yes, I am sexy, because I have taken good care of myself, from the body to mind.“
When my friend tells me that I am sexy. Now I am surprised and happy. It seems that my self-evaluation at home is proven! Some people say that I am not sexy. What a relief, I know that „Me being Sexy“ is indeed what I feel from my heart, not what I hear from my head.
But there is a kind of person that I hate. They say that I am sexy, and their eyes linger on my body, from head to toe, and from toe to head. They are of almost all genders and ages. I used to think that ""I made them sexually aroused", so I blamed myself seriously. I quickly put on clothes, dressing like an astronaut. What about now? I understand that some are just learning how to dress and behave decently from others, as I usually do; some are still balancing their own impulses and fantasies.
If their behaviors are too insulted, I will speak up to them, now:
„Hey! Your glares, your words, are making me very uncomfortable."
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About Gender.
Finally, it's time for us to talk about gender. Let me go around and gather information first!
"What is gender fluidity? Can humans be transformed?" "Oh mine, it sounds like humans are all transsexuals. That’s insane." To be honest, until now, I haven’t come up with an answer, either.
But my intuition is that it must be super simple, just a normal description from a part of humanity.
How do I figure it out?
I am searching for books and magazines, the Internet, and the common sense of me. I am putting together this puzzle named human gender.
I am sure I can conquer it. Why? Because I am a normal person, as you are.
sexy_umy #gender #sexuality #humanity #umychang
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Intimate Relationship.
It is my own business. I am so stressed. I am under a lot of pressure. I have left tons of matters undone.
I need to handle them first.
I see him. I feel more stressed. He is talking jokes, he is cheering me up, but that is so annoying. Can I leave for a second? I ask in my heart, not to him.
“I prefer staying alone.” I hide this thought from myself.
I look at him. I can’t recognize him. I am shocked, I feel terribly sorry. What’s wrong with me?
Except for him, others, all friends, know me better. Why?
There are so many things I don’t want him to know, and they are getting much more. Maybe…so does he. I can’t tell. We are becoming different, more different than we first met.
What should I do? What should
I fear, I fight, I favor…
in my whole life?
fwords #umychang
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Self-Disclosure
I tell my sex experiences with my female friends. I tell my love affairs with my female besties. I don’t tell sex details with my male friends, even I know that they are gays. I discussed the theories of sexuality and relationships with my male friends, only. And when the discussion are turning embarrassed, more directly to my personal experiences, I left the discussion.
I thought that talking about my personal sex and love stories to males are immoral. But if it is to my lovers, family, and all females, it is healthy and mature.
I distinguish my audience from genders.
Did I really want audience to listen to? Sometimes, but actually I can’t tell who are my audience. So who is listening to me?
Myself. Just me.
sexy_umy #relationships #self_discovery #umychang
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Sexual Self-Stimulation
I want to be comfortable.
I know which body parts I am touching. I understand moving how fast or slow I will come. I understand that these are simply normal physiological reactions. I volunteer to do this. I fantasize about erotic plots. I am releasing some pressure.
During my period I can also masturbate. But I touch my private part through the panties and the sanitary napkin. I pressed there lightly, like pinching a pillow. I watch sex fantasy movies at the same time, that's enough for me to come.
How do I feel? Painful or itchy? Am I sweating or bleeding? I am observing my body. Is everything clean? Is it healthy?
Do I smell bad? Yes.
Wash hands! Brush teeth! Change my underwear. #masturbation
umychang
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Sexual Movie
The plots in sex movies are usually exaggerated. Actors yell wildly. Actresses express crazier than me. That’s why sex movies help me get my sexual excitement.
Most of the time, I spaced out. Because the plots are too not me.
Well, at least it is enough for me to reach orgasm. But my mood is very calm. I don’t howl during orgasm.
If the plot is too violent, after the orgasm, I will feel embarrassed. It makes me uncomfortable.
“I should watch my erotic movie in mind, not online ”, I thought, “I will be more satisfied”.
porn #umychang
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Sexual Orgasm
I'm under pressure. When I’m so stressed I really want to meet my basic physiological needs. I come. I’m comfortable. I'm less stressed. For quite a while.
I am not the lock.
No one has the key for me.
I own the key to my orgasm.
This is my physiological response. This is my body instinct. This is my sexual release.
Even there is just me,
I can, I do, I come.
sex #sexeducation #sexyumy
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Sexual Fantasy
Now, it is just me, here.
I start to fantasize~~
Your finger is on my left shoulder, it lightly goes down, I feel the soft air flow from your nose. The air warmly follows your touches, slides over my back. All the way towards my button, so tender, too gentle.
"Oh~"
"More! Faster!"
"Come slowly, it hurts!”
"Oh~ yeah~ yeah~ babe"
You are the bear. You surround me with your strong arms pampering me carefully.
Then I guess I must be, the cutest teddy bear 🧸!
Luv ya ❤️
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Sexual Arousal
Sit still! No man-sitting.
My private part is for peeing. My menstrual blood flows from there. I can get infected if I keep scratching my private parts.
Touching there is dirty.
I slide my labia with my fingers, very softly. My fingers are too tired. So I buy sex toys. Do I want to hurt my private part? Do I want to make myself infertile? Of course not. No way. I am not crazy. I'm thinking:
Since my sex toy is a vibrator, it vibrates regularly, it can make me discharge moist liquid faster. The liquid protects my skin from scratches.
Most important of all, I am sexually aroused. I feel comfortable, but I have no climax. I don’t come.
Why? Because I haven’t started my sexual fantasies.
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4 Rationality
We have chemistry with each other.
My head is swimming.
Objectively speaking, I like him.
Subjectively speaking, he's been nice to me these days.
I say, obscurely, I want someone to love me.
To be honest, he has been talking to me a lot lately.
Frankly speaking, I adore people easily.
Overall, his personal image is excellent.
About him, I am able to like him, I am able to love him as much as I want to. I'm still thinking about if we start the relationship, how much effort will it take to maintain the life and connections that I enjoy now.
To me, I'm considering, should I change my outfit right away? Or should I start losing weight secretly?
But then my rationale yells: Stop forcing yourself.
Rationality, my fourth sexuality.
sexy_umy_2 #umychang
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3 Sensibility
Where am I? In a drugstore.
I checked everything online. As I was looking at my phone, I thought I was stuck in my phone. I even forgot that I was walking on the road, that I was crossing the road, and that I was waiting on the platform. What’s more? I forgot that all stories online are about others’ views and experiences,
Not mine.
I have to see that „sheath-shaped barrier device“ myself.
I realize that I do feel sensible of its #odor #size #thinness, and #price. I know that having sex without a condom is for a family plan. And with this device is simply for my own health.
Today, I bought the first box of condoms in my life.
Sensibility, my third sexuality.
sexy_umy_2 #umychang
Note: With or Without? It shouldn’t be a question.
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What is the point of accumulating sex experiences with many people?
I am👏awesome. I am hot.
I am masculine. I am sexy💋
I am a hero. I am the queen👑
No, I haven’t found the suitable one. They are not comfortable with me. I don’t know why.
And now, I just want to take a rest, for a while. I don’t want to live like a sex robot.
Don’t stop exploring. Explore sex, explore your own body.
Collect some instructions. Think, think, and think 🤔 Do it simply, on your own, with yourself.
sexy_umy #havesex #umychang
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2 Flexibility
I'm chatting.
I’m hurt.
I can’t figure out the reason why I’m hurt…
Is it because of someone, the certain topic, that typical way of talking, those expressions, or what my intuition implies? Everything is knotting together, so complicated.
When I say „everything“, it includes my own sexual complex, my sexual orientation, sexual experience, and my sexual stories.
In order to untie those tangles, I chose to release details of "sex" following the pattern as if my fingers are smoothly flowing through the keyboard. Sometimes I played it harshly, sometimes calmly. Whichever way I am typing, I must utter my words gently and decently.
Come on! I have to take care of my social connections, personal image, and personality at the same time. Okay? Thinking of „sex“ over human improvements should be a plus, not a minus, to my own being.
Flexibility, my second sexuality.
sexy_umy_2 #umychang
Note: I was hurt, so I ____, I am healed.
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1 Curiosity
Where am I? On the subway.
I can tell who is looking at me. He is just curious. She is out of curiosity. I know the passersby looked at me is just because they popped up some delightful interests, all of a sudden.
I can tell who is thinking about sexuality. I can feel it, even if we’re not looking at each other, their eyes are telling more, more stories and feelings, other than curiosity...
When they popped up with delights, I appreciate them for their shining attention. When they starred uneasily, I become so curious that I would even turn to talk to them: "Hey! I am feeling awful. Why are you staring at me?"
Curiosity, my first sexuality.
sexy_umy_2 #umychang
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Sexy Umy 2.
This is a book about human sexuality, yes! A new storybook again.
What am I going to talk about this time? This morning I received a picture of a male organ, one of my foreign fans passed it to me on Instagram. I was so curious! Why did he want to send it to me? I don't have that organ, how should I respond to him?
I replied. "Is this yours?" "Don’t you think that chocolate wafer roll looks more alike than bananas?" He hasn’t read the message.
Fine. I can just talk to myself in this book. I will talk about “humans’ curiosity and fear of sexual organs”, “humans’ restriction and liberation on sexual behaviors, and “humans’ maturation and growing from sexual experiences.
This is Sexy Umy 2.
I am Umy Chang.
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EP.10 For Myself
I am special.
I used to think of myself as others. So I constrained myself from words, behaviors to expressions. I found that I felt uncomfortable, being them is beyond my imagination, I kept doing the opposite deeds to be them, I am not any of them.
I am what I think.
I imagined "Who I am"
I am also how I see myself.
I see through "Who I am”.
When I put my knowing of "who I am" on dress and expression, this is what I am like.
During the whole process of creating this project, I wrote about humanity from the perspectives of human nature, gender, sex, emotion, gender, and relationships.
I mentioned gender twice.
I have been clinging to the topic of gender, except for the fact that I finally expressed my sexuality frankly, I intend to knit gender diversity into my artworks. It is not because that the issue is very controversial. I know that when I explain my emotions, struggles, feelings and thoughts, the contents resonate with many peoples’ feelings. I’ve discovered this emotion resonance already at the beginning of this year. From then I come to realize that "it is time for us to renew the culture." But since the blooming of culture does not happen overnight, so I am very worried that my words will shaken peoples’ feelings and beliefs. It would not be very comfortable for individuals. For instance, I say that in fact, for biological males nowadays, they are leaving away the cultural framework of male chauvinism, arrogance, or virgin complex. Biological females also are getting rid of the images of being innocent, indecisive, and insecure in any relationship.
Is there a firm or credential basis for my statements? How much uncertainty will my statements cause? How much panic will I cause? I kept thinking things like these the whole year.
What I didn't realize was that culture is super abstract. Culture is always creating and eliminating. So instead of worrying about the cultivating process of culture, and being uncertain about what concepts will grow after my words, I decided to be more direct and just look at my own feelings and thoughts. This is more practical.
I didn't disclose any big secret. I didn't become the richest person or a super star. I didn’t end the pandemic around the world. But I did something unique. So special for myself, I finally found it! I'm so excited! I want to share as soon as possible. I realize that
Humans are tough and genuine. From humanity, these traits are always within our nature.
Therefore I mention gender diversity, because everyone encounters sex, emotions, and relationships. Each time as I mention gender again, I would tell myself: My words are for “humans” like me; My words are for "humans of all genders” just like me.
On the last day of 2021, when I walked through the road full of lights and decos, my mind was strolling from the beginning to the end of this year. I remembered the first time in this book that I talked about gender.
On that day, I pointed out some interesting questions: "Genders are the rainbow, and I am the color palette" Do I agree with this sentence? Or how would I see sexuality within me?
Right after posting my Qs, I pictured a lot of street lamps and deco lights. At the moment, I come up with too many ways to answer my questions. I am "playing" with the questions.
Whenever I notice that I am playing with the questions, I know that I am not afraid of the challenge behind, thus I can play with them. How come I am not afraid of this challenge, which is named “human gender”?
Because I know it so well that gender is defined within my mind, so is me defining myself:
“Gender” is what I am passing by. “I” am what I am passing through.
Once I played, it becomes not any challenge for me. What is it? Of course, it’s a game.
The end.
Thanks for passing through all the writing with me in this book. Here I am giving this book as the gift for everyone like myself.
And? Happy New Year!
I am Umy Chang.
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EP. 9 See Myself
I am so obsessive with being in control, I am a control freak.
I like to manipulate my words and deeds. I commanded myself to speak with only one voice and only one attitude towards people. Once my negative emotions were shown owing to accidentally losing control, I warned myself: „How could I show up the emotions that I shouldn't even think about? How should I deal with them now?“
Thinking in this self-blaming way made me feel better. This was how I trained myself, and I thought I was brilliant. But there was a side-effect. If I ran into a whisper of strangers, I subconsciously reflected those contents on myself „Yes, they are talking about someone like me.“, and then I considered silently in minds „Yes, every time when I am gossiping others, those details are not really about them, I am asking myself „Am I just comparing myself with them?““
So when I gossip, I am actually showing people Who I Think I Should Be.
I crave for living influentially within humans. I blamed myself and felt sacrificed so that I got fitted in living. I have been looking for „the meaning of my life„. I thought that doing emotional sacrificing could I be settled down meaningfully. And because I knew that “this was not the thing that humans would do”. This process is abnormal, super painful, and unnecessary, so I was doing the most challenging mind-training in the world. I didn’t notice that the "I" that is constantly shown in the sayings above strongly implies that I Think I Am Different.
I always felt out of place and couldn’t live easily in my social network.
I felt isolated. I couldn’t be myself. I didn’t know who I was. So I did the Enneagrampersonality test. The test results are very long. I only pasted the parts that I think are me: I am generous. I am not afraid of challenges. I feel blessed to share. I explore novelty. I create new ways of thinking.
After reading the line above, I still couldn’t get a clear image of myself, it's too general. Why? Those words are a saying of decision, a way of expression that can be controlled and practiced by humans. The key is whether I "decide" to express it like this or not.
But I just want to see „who I am". So I discovered myself from my relationships: The way how I act in the face of humans.
In the relationship, I constantly switch between the leading and following roles. Leading and following means the feeling when interacting with people. It may be who is calling whom, who is taking care of whom, who is helping whom, but the most important thing is that I predicted others’ reactions beforehand unconsciously. I switched my role even before we met. I thought that this time, this conversing with each other, I have to play the main role on stage, or I should be seated clapping in the auditorium.
For these two roles: 80% of the time I take on the leading role, I try to take over all stuff coming through, and 20% of the time I choose to be the following role, I stay quietly as an audience.
From these two roles, I inferred my personality. I am the older sister, or young girl, a tomboy or naughty child. Are they the kinds of personality? They are just different naming of human looks.
They are my genders. I see myself in these personalities and name them distinctively. I control all the roles, I decide at what moment, which appearance will I show, what will I say to whom.
All plots are improvised right away.
In my last life drama so far, I controlled my expressions, criticized my reactions, despised my words from saying, writing, to copying-and-pasting. I am too familiar with every storyline. I'm tired of acting, I'm not just an actor anymore. Now, for the next chapter, I choose where to act, I write what to act, I know who to act. I decide how to act.
Because, I am the producer.
Above my genders is my mind.
As I flow between different genders, at each moment, I take a distinctive decision, with the most suitable words and deeds that I can show to feel comfortable. These genders, roles, or say, personal traits, hang together like a pearl-necklace.
And I am the mind-keeper, I see my genders come and go.
When I look back, I discovered that this is the path of my maturity. When I looked down, I found out that this is what the whole society looks like. When I looked what’ve been, I realized that I am changing, and I am always moving on.
When it comes to Gender, it always causes chaos, disputes or implies politics, because this word is too simple, because everyone has gender, so it is very easy to manipulate for earning irrelevant benefits. As a result, the use of the term „Gender“ is out of control. So, what is the simplest meaning of Gender?
What do I think about myself? I use „gender, personal traits, love romance, relationship, family, job title, annual salary, appearance, and educational background“ to evaluate my meaning in life.
I realize that all items in the "" are the materials I used to write for my personal drama. Why are they materials for me? Because they are all frames. The frames for me to settle my story. I preferred using the gender frame. Once the storyline is completed, I edited, deleted, and rewrote the plot. Why? Because I feel fixed in the characters. I want to be myself. But I’ve never noticed that nothing is fixed. Really? Why? Because…
Gender, is just a way I see myself.
And from now on, I am seeing through myself.
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Mind Myself.
I'm not really in the relationship.
I have been busy all the time. No matter how long we’ve got along with each other, I pretend to be passionately in love, in front of everyone. This is tiring.
When I am in love, I used to behave perfectly, even though that is not what I intended to show. I would have resistant feelings, but I knew I could bear them. After every struggle, I comforted myself: Umy, it’s okay! Give them your warm smile, as you always know, „giving is more blessed than receiving.“
In my daily life, I often yield my seat to others, the seat called Umy’s needs. I hide what I need. I keep moving and observing: „Who is in need of what? I have to solve those needs firstly.“
Do I really see what they need at the moment? I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Maybe I looked observant, but actually, I was just guessing. Because I believe that people shouldn’t just care about themselves.
I think „Caring Only Myself“ is selfish.
It is such an undesirable thing.
If I did it, I would blame myself to death.
I am very strict with myself.
I treat myself in a critical way.
I train myself with a sense of shame.
If I decide to start an intimate relationship, my self-trainings will be terribly strengthened. Why? I have to care about my partner, this is what I promise to do as I agree to begin this relationship. I realize that I am always tired after the infatuated stage. I sensed that I have been giving up so many wants during this stage, I volunteered to do so, I could tell that it is called „Love Sacrifice“, and I thought this process is normal.
Of course, it is abnormal. I am fantasizing about myself in the name of „love“. I never blame myself, I never train myself, I blame my attitude to love, and my immaturity to love. That is why I am not in love with the person. I am observing my feeling and response towards intimacy. I am evaluating my behaviors and attitudes towards relationships. I am understanding what I need in my intimate relationship. Why?
Because I want to start a family, raise children, and parent a new life. I have to be clear of what I need first.
And the next step for me will be asking
„Who is suitable for me?“
From these 7 aspects: Self-expressions, dark thoughts, financial status, working hours, personal relationships, physical condition, and hygiene habits, we should be balanced with each other.
More importantly, only when we fancy each other at the same level can we have the chance to start a relationship. If they is not that into me, sorry and bye.
I like to describe my orientation to finding a life partner as „sapiosexual". This is an academic term. No worries, I don’t take its regular definition. I just borrowed the name and interpret it myself:
Sapio-, means „wisdom“.
I use my wisdom to measure my current status, discovering the one who can weigh my tension and grow my lightness, to stay together. Although the time to get along with each other may be limited, during this relationship, I can let go of more pressure and anxiety than when I was staying single.
„Oh My Goodness! I found out that I am actually a fool. I have a very bad temper. I am really annoying. I think this kind of me would hurt people who get close to me.
Why don't you say it before the relationship starts? I didn't know at that time, I was fooling around. I keep thinking about many things. I detected others' actions, listened to gossips, and imagined „what I would look like in others’ minds“. I can't care about my relationship.
I do care „what I look like“. This is me. I seem to be very easy-going, but I am always hiding something deeply."
I mind it. I have secrets, I have things I am 100% aware of, but I don’t want to show them. I just need to know them clearly, and understand why I will have a certain secret…Because „I am tired. I am acting as a person I don’t want to be. I am acting. I am tired of this acting.“
What do I mind for now?
All my looks as an individual.
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Favor Myself.
I walked into the closet.
When I was a child, I was easily affected by unhappiness. I didn’t know how to adjust my feelings. I became more and more scared, and I started to have dark thoughts.
When I was super angry, I would yell in my mind: "I want everyone to disappear!" I realized this thought, and I yelled back in my heart: "Shut up! What are you thinking about, how can you think like this? You are a devil." I kept warning myself, but I still had the idea of „killing everything," so I locked the door and hid in the closet. I was afraid that I would get out of control.
I was holding my breath in the closet, I wanted to kill myself. I failed to hold my breath, I didn't want to die. „I'm so timid.“ I stayed in the closet angrily scolding myself.
After elementary school, I walked out of the closet. Why?
A couple of months before the graduation, the letters exchanging between me and my female classmate was seen by the parents, and they were very nervous. I heard the words „they are doing lesbian things“, I was frightened. „I am a pervert.“ I decided that I shouldn't do this anymore. „Lyrical writing is dangerous, I’ll encounter taboos, I’ll be unethical and immoral.“ I didn't cry anymore, my writing was getting longer and longer, more and more obscure, very difficult to understand. Just listen to episodes 1-3, see those contents, they are deliberate and exaggerated.
Since then, I only wrote about the sky, leaves, food, and water, "I can't write about my romance.“
As I entered middle school, I made friends with shy and quiet classmates. From them, I noticed the weakness I cared about most: I was emotionally repressed. I often talked to them about their interests, I collected lame jokes and told the same jokes to them every day! We laughed and felt relaxed, and then I would meet their core personality. I like this. I feel awesome.
Then I began to wonder, what about myself? During my childhood, even though I had been through a lot of mistakes, angers, and fears, I could walk out of the closet, never go bock and hide myself. But why was I still feeling terribly blue?
"I am sure that I have sexual favor to girls."
This is the first fear. I think I am lesbian.
"I am sure that I also have sexual favor to boys."
This is the second fear. I realized that I am bisexual.
How can I be sure? In my sexual fantasies, besides with men, I also imagine being intimate with sexy ladies: we hug and sleep together naked. The fantasies started when I was 7 years old, and the plot hasn’t changed much so far. Before teenage hood, I felt very excited when imagining the plots. In the ages of puberty, when fantasizing the detail, I will be sexually excited.
However, the deeper fear is:
"I'm not sure if being bisexual means I am abnormal.“
I found that in the aspect of biological sex, sexual orientation is most commonly viewed within two extremes: Androphilia and Gynephilia. Androphilia means the admiration for males, while Gynephilia means for females.
We can distinguish sexual orientation by the „degree" towards the two extremes. So totally, how many kinds of sexual orientation can we have?
According to the degree of admiration for the two biological sex, I put the two extremes, Androphilia and Gynephilia, on a line, but change their names. Because for me, my admiration for males stands for „heterosexuality“, I put it on the left. So the right side, which describes my admiration for females, is „homosexuality“.
On this line, each person's position is not the same. Thus I know, people’s sexual orientation can differ. Actually, it should be distinctive between human beings.
We have "unlimited kinds" of sexual orientation.
I confirmed my degree within the two extremes as about 70% heterosexual and 30% homosexual. I am bisexual. I am bisexual with 70% Androphilia and 30% Gynephila.
If my partner is biologically female, I am currently homo.
If my partner is biologically male, I am now hetero.
I also want to make sure, "Am I a normal person?"
Will I always change my partners? Will I be in a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time? Will I become sexually addicted?
They all depend on my "personality."
It has nothing to do with my "sexual orientation“.
Why did I even pop up with these questions?
Because I didn't understand at that time, that sexual orientation differs from person to person. When there is something that I don’t understand, I think it “strange”. When there is something that I can’t explain, I think it „sick“.
Finally, I understand. When I say something „abnormal, problematic, psyche“, it just means that I haven’t got any clear idea of it.
Now, I got it. Our sexual preferences differ, that’s normal.
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EP.6 Stay Moral
I cheated. I didn’t read my boyfriend's message for days, but I talked to another person until midnight, every day.
We talked about relationships. I pretended to be seriously discussing morals of relationships. I told him, “I am uncomfortable with my partner now...” He understood me so well! He gave me rational advice, his thoughts about gender equality in relationships was so new to me. What he said shocked me.
At this point, I ended the conversation. I found myself moved. I confessed with my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I chatted with a guy after midnight.
"We just discussed tasks online" I was in tears, I apologized, I hugged him. With another one, I cheated again.
As our relationship ended, I went to the last one I chatted with, he rejected me, we no longer talked. I felt helpless, I was not able to stay a normal life.
I couldn’t sleep, I ate an apple, that’s it, each day. I was afraid of meeting new people. My mind was always pondering, I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
So I wrote down what kept in my mind:
"For more than 8 years, we were frank, we expressed our ideas thoroughly. After some years, I twined his words. I got pseudo amnesia. Why did I ignore him? I shouldn’t be unkind to him. I was too evil. No, I had something to say, I was unhappy, I was hiding.
What was I hiding?
I was hiding my temper. I constrained my anger. I denied my discomforts. I scolded... I became more vicious. When I was alone, I tucked my head in bed, struggling to mute my cries.
So I left him. I left him saying “I have to be myself”, without any concrete reason. Even when we were no longer couples, I blamed myself for ending everything.
I felt guilty. Therefore, I kept hurting my feelings in the post-breakup period. "
These are what I'm thinking about. I read it again.
I realized that I had misunderstood the meaning of "intimacy". It means to get a closer relationship with myself first, and the other, later.
How can I not have a firm knowing of myself firstly? If I get no self-feelings, how do I get along with people? I must reveal my hidden secrets, my instant discomforts and instincts, otherwise I can't handle any interpersonal communications.
I knew I was used to “look down to my thoughts”, because they are dark, random, blurred, irrational, they are not mine.
Nope, they are part of me. As I read them out, they hurried me to ease them: Darkness detected. Cleared. Roger.
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EP.5 No Kidding
Since elementary school, I have been liking different people at each stage. I had feelings for my classmates, seniors, and so many others. I also favored girls, but this fact has annoyed me until now. Because I think to have feelings for both boys and girls is terribly lewd.
Later, I learned that all the feelings are just me trying to recognize my own sexuality. During the process of sexuality recognition, I had tons of conversations in the middle of the night, I exchanged diaries sharing my daily sorrows, and I kept messaging people whose personalities are in sync with me.
These are all the explorations of who I really am.
Now, I look back at those moments. I have a very good memory. I observed, "What was I thinking at that time, and why?" I got a clear answer. My self-exploration came earlier than my sexual desire, I started self-exploring since I was 11. A love letter can recall my feelings, and a love song can make me self- reflect right away. I'm touched! My heart is paralyzed! But I have no “sexual excitement”, no “arousal”, and no “orgasm”.
At that age, I didn't even understand these terms at all.
During those conversations, I was wondering in the sky, feeling light and comfortable. Just holding hands, I am super happy, just a tender hug, my heart would melt, just a kiss on the cheek, my heart would go crazy.
However, ever since I knew what “sex behaviors” mean, I paused my expressions. I waited, I kept the feelings, until it was the time for drama performance, for chorus singing, and for article writing, I exploded.
Then, it came to my first relationship. I was completely active. I controlled the atmosphere, I adjusted my mood suddenly, I switched my voice tones and looks, so I could even act as a passive lover. At that time, I believed that the love relationship was meant to be binding, and sex was the key.
I knew that our behaviors are normal. We are humans. Humans have sex, humans have sexual organs, humans have sexual impulses, humans have sexual excitement, and humans have orgasms.
I didn’t know: how could I feel good in my body, but feel so bad in my mood. Why would I keep mixing up the detail of those nights? I looked insane. I got fantasies. I told nonsense.
What’s wrong with me?
"I want to be a nun."
Seriously? No kidding.
Think and say it out slowly.
"I am running away, I have been used. I dare not break up, I dare not fall in love. I can't get married and have children anymore."
I was materializing myself, not treating myself as a human being. I thought of myself as an erotic tool, so I would be used.
I’m single now. I am human. My sex is female. I am able to get pregnant. I am Umy Chang.
sexy_umy #sexuality #umychang
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How do I talk to myself?
I scold myself when I am sad. I would always say, "Umy, what’s wrong with you? Good." Am I sure? Not really.
He hurt me.
He played tricks on me, my finger was scratched and bleeding by the broomstick. He was very scared, I knew. Because he pretended to be easy. He was afraid that I would lose control and go crazy. He thought that girls would cry, and it always made him into troubles.
Don't worry, not for me. Because I was afraid too. I’ve saw him been punished, that was so scary. I won’t let it happen again, at least this time. Let me cover him! I said “I’m fine” with a gentle smile.
This is my professional "performance". I started it since elementary school. But now I failed. That is my skin-deep “endurance”.
I must admit: It's you who bullied me. Why didn’t I cry? I don’t want to be mocked. Why didn’t I tell others? I don’t want to be hated. Why didn’t I go serious? Because I knew you like me.
How old am I? 10 years old.
How about you? The same.
Was I kind? I was worried. If I got mean, no one will ever like me.
So I endure. I feel weird, bad, and uncomfortable, but I look normal. I master this skill. I am the pro.
What is the limit of endurance?. Workaholic? Alcoholic? Binge eating? Non-stopped laughing?
Over-doing.
My love story is simple. I have been in a relationship once. And now I am single.
After installing the dating app a few times, or meeting friends a few times, I still quit all of them. I'm not interested. Besides, I'm tired...
What am I tired of? People who have a crush on me.
I don’t want to fit into their thoughts on me: “Umy must be nice. Be soft. Be tender.”
When interacting with people who like me, I detect the boundaries between us, making sure that their is no obscene lingers. I care for my feelings, I have to be clear that whether this romance is only a crave, or a challenge. I think of myself even more. I replay the conversation, knowing that I am not doing self-talk. So, let's meet again.
When it comes to relationship, I am worried about my personality, I am tired of my endurance, but I am proud of,
My Honesty.
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Hey! Stop scrolling 📱. Take the bag and just go out. For what?
Answer all questions.
Question my answers.
———————————————
EP.3 Too Humane
I know myself too well.
When I am silent, I am going to leave. Why? I can't stand it anymore, let me go.
I don't understand myself .
I don’t know what I want to do the most. Why? Because I haven't found it yet.
I have too many aspects. I can't realize each of them at every moment, I'm so scared. I can't predict my looks or behaviors just seconds before I do them.
That’s not true. It is just an excuse. What I really mean is that…I'm afraid of being gossip. I put up a façade, so I am always nervous and getting tired easily. I shouldn’t show myself at first.
Since the connections between people are complicated, so are all social networks, there are rumors, verbal attacks, vicious messages all over the place. This world is very dangerous!
I'm enough: there are too many chat rooms to reply...every day there are stories about human sex and sexuality...that who is with whom...someone takes advantage of others...
I want to fight back.
But me, “I want to be nice to everyone.” If you slander me directly, I won't fight back. I am truly kind.
No. It is not my kindness.
This is my stubbornness.
I utter inside my heart:
Since I will get hurt, don't go out! Stay here and protect myself.
However, I am very selfish. I ask selfish questions within my mind:
If I am old, who will protect me? If I am sick, who can take care of me? If I am gone, who will bury me?
Can I solve these problems? Oh, no! I am not sure…let me Google it on my phone…
Hey! Stop scrolling 📱. Take the bag and just go out. For what?
Answer all questions.
Question my answers.
"Just do what you want." That sounds simple. But as I sitting quietly at the MRT platform, watching people passing by,
this sentence seems more than its literal meaning.
It means more, in my mind: Why didn’t I say “Just do what you want “ to you?
Because when I am going to order you, I felt that you were not doing anything right; when I am not going to restrict you, I'm afraid that you will do nothing right.
The essence behind this saying is common: Doing what I want to do is always a challenge. Because I follow peoples’ ideas, I forget my own words.
What do I want?
“To get up early? Or to sleep in?" I need to get enough sleep.
"Do I want to live in a family? Or do I just want to live single?"
I should consider beforehand:
What I want to do are "those”, and what I need the most are "these". But then, they have to be done in "this way", so I can keep my comfortable living.
"Do I want to continue creating my artworks? Or do I want to live a steady life?" I know how to keep both steady.
This is my resilience.
In a tamely tough way, I am going to tell the facts.
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EP.2 Super Sensual
Welcome to Umy’s super sensual world. Here, I am going to take adventures beyond what I’ve come to, I’ve seen and I’ve played.
Ready? Here we go!
Listen: I have superpower, I can read hearts in words, I know what people are thinking…yo!
“Monster!”
I am a person without ____.
Oh, that symbol is the "underline".
Mindful is my only trait: I love to consider. Consider things, consider people, consider myself. From time to time, I am transparent, not unseen but gentle. That’s why, I notice the nonsense between my words and behaviors. I find out the paradox of my responses and feelings.
I see my facade. It is so strong.
But my core, my core is weak.
It doesn’t hurt.
My left cheek is red and swollen. The shapes of my eyes are different, I can only open the left one. I can't raise my left arm. Crushed stones plunge into my back. The glass thorn into my finger joints. A blade is running across my body, my blood is flowing harshly. My right thigh is bruised, I am walking lamely.
I can't move my right foot. Is it a cramp in my leg? Or am I just being numb?
I can't tell.
„If I don't mention my cares, I can bring no worries from anyone.“
It is not sickness, nor is it a sacrifice, it’s just me being "selfless“. I have this „un-sense of self-being„ that exceeds my own body and feels. So I am strongly willing to take no notice of my feelings, making myself considerate, and easy-going.
So what? My horror shows up. The origin want of myself, of „being myself“ hits me badly: I forget who I am. „What happened to me? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?“
I don’t know.
How am I going? Is my matter solved? Am I feeling better? Is my wound recovered? Am I still pretending to be thoughtfully „perfect“, and turn away shedding tears? I bring a lot of worries, to myself.
Hello! Where’s here?
I can’t see anything …?!!
Pull me up!
No, I am not falling.
I never fell in any hole.
It's not like that.
I never forget who I am.
I know exactly who I am.
I always know who I am.
Can’t I present who I am? Do I dare not to? Oops, I just forgot to show it.
Why do I hide myself?
I'm afraid. I think my true self is bad, bad, bad.
What am I afraid of?
Being surprisingly a different person that even myself, me, I have to introduce mine-self to myself.
What a complex word pun, so confusing. Take it easy.
I am just being expressive. Expressive? Does it mean that I have extreme senses to things?
Yes, this is me, a person having super sensual feelings, being able to switch between two extremely distinct emotions: sobbing and laughing, but speaking in a fairly normal way.
How did I make it?
Don’t make it up.
Do check it out.
Check out my traits,
Weight my strengths, and
Challenge all my limits.
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EP.1 Highly Sensitive
When should I be honest with myself?
Now. Just now.
"I am too sensitive. I am highly sensitive. I get hurt easily, every second I feel hurt.“
Once every month, I become weak, my body aches, and I am bleeding. A week before the bloodshed, or three days before, I feel terrible, I feel bad. Come on! The blood hasn't come out at all. Then my blood flows, like a torrent, like a rush river. Extremely tired I am that I even skip work, because it is too painful. „Kill me!“ I shout. No kidding. It was at the fifth grade in elementary school, when my period come for the first time. My blood stained all over the desk and chair. Boys were curious and yelled „Look! It’s blood!“. „What a shame!“ I cried inside.
„Hey! No entry. Don’t go to the temple! No way.“
When the blood bleeds, I become super sensitive.
Sensitive, only for females having period? Of course not. People are all sensitive. People all have periods.
I feel the pain.
I lie on the bed, someone is beating, pinching, and punching me. I sit on the ground, I am watching him being kicked and caught, a group of others are playing the happy corner. I stand behind the pillar, and someone is grabbing her hair, splashing water and slapping her. I walk on the road, he drags me to the dark corner. I threaten a 3-year-old child with a knife. I grab my junior in the school and throw him away. I have no friends, and no one will talk to me after class.
I am beating the wall and cursing wildly in my bedroom.
I am useless.
When I am down, I stand on the edge of the roof. It’s unsafe, it’s awful, it’s dark. „Don’t jump!“
I jump.
I let go, I turn to the darkness.
„Let it be.“ I can do, nothing.
It is so cloudy, so blind, so quiet. No! So noisy! So loud! So bright! What’s going on here?
There is this dim light breaking free, free from our hour of trouble. „Too shining!“ „My eyes are aching“. I keep seeing these lights flickering, just like crystals. Why? Because I am super sensitive.
In my night, my painful night, with severe heartache… in which I wonder if I am dying, I am always attacked by these bright spots. At the moment, I listen to music, I drink coffee, or I just…have some sweets!
Guess what?
I connect all my feelings with the music I enjoy, the coffee I favor, the food I like, and those colorful light spots! Ah-ha!
It's really suitable for our beings. Hey, those plots also make me moved.
Why am I moved?
Too sexy? Too much.
There is an old Chinese saying that goes:
„Am I the only sober mind in the drunk world?“
Nope, now we should say:
"The more secret the world is, the more frank we are.“
Sexy Umy Season 2, I’ve got more things. Gentle but direct. Keep following.
sexy_umy #sensitive #umychang #psyche #highly_sensitive #synesthesia #empath #empathy #synesthete #relationship #sexeducation #female_period #male_period
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