Benny's Grab Bag: Recent Episodes
Benjamin J Nichols
This is a podcast variety show. It is a grab bag of who knows what from funny bits to music bits to inspirational bits to perhaps irrational bits with your host Benjamin J Nichols. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/benjamin-j-nichols/support
Forgive the quality, we only had one rehearsal and a cobbled together sound system. Even so, the cast did great!!
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Here’s a new one, the FBCI has put out a public bounty on a cryptid! I’m Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
So in a move that has surprised at least one Tecumseh resident - that would be me for those keeping score at home - The Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation has broken their long time refusal to admit they put bounties on cryptids and announced a reward for anyone who can bring in the Beaufort Street Banshee.
The Banshee arrived seven nights ago from Manchester Michigan and has been keeping half the population of Tecumseh awake every night since with her crazy banshee wail. I can hear you wondering, “how do you know all this Vox?” I’m glad you asked.
Experts from the FBCI reached out to me, literally. I was walking along Chicago Blvd when a black nondescript government vehicle pulled up beside me and a gloved hand reached out through the window to give me this message which reads as follows:
"The strange wailing sound bothering Tecumseh citizens belongs to a banshee. It is our belief this may be the Beaufort Street Banshee from Manchester Mi. Our agents are working tirelessly around the clock to locate and apprehend the banshee. It’s important we move carefully as we don’t want to trigger a mega wail which would essentially cause every living thing within a seven mile radius to spontaneously combust. For anyone questioning the threat of this cryptid we'd like to point out the squirrel riot of three days ago was triggered by what we refer to as a banshee burp. Imagine that times a million. That’s a lot of paperwork that we’d prefer to avoid. Plus, you know, the loss of human life would be tragic. Any information leading to the apprehension of the banshee should be reported immediately to the FBCI and will be rewarded with money. Like real money. At the very least not monopoly money. Maybe coupons. Plus Al also says I have to include a request for information leading to the arrest of Chester Chase Bounty Hunter since he’s Al’s white whale and the whole reason he joined the FBCI in the first place."
I’m not so sure about that last part, guys, Chester Chase is kind of a hero around these parts.
But, at least now we know what the noise is. It’s a banshee. You know I know a little something about banshees. I saw this documentary once and if I recall correctly you just need to find the O’flannery crypt, pick up the O’flannery staff and the banshee should come right to it. Unless of course Scooby-Doo is not a credible source for cryptid information. I have a hard time believing that though.
Regardless, it’s good to know what we’re dealing with, and in true Tecumseh fashion, we’ll deal with it together. Let’s hope the FBCI move quickly or that Chester Chase is drawn to the case. I certainly wouldn’t want our Not Really Radio live event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church to be sullied by a banshee with bad manners! Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio. Hey wait a minute! Today is April 29th! Our live event is April 30th!
See you tomorrow, Tecumseh!
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Talking fish? How about no! That’s right Tecumseh, the talking fish drama has reached a conclusion and that conclusion included a thermos of salinated poultry, our two FBCI agents Al and Joey, and a whole mess of Canadian geese. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
The details are still sketchy so we’ll provide you with a more complete picture once the dust has settled. Specifically on Saturday at 7pm at Covenant Church.
Even So, I must go ahead and retract my admittedly snarky comments toward the FBCI in yesterday's broadcast. Well done boys, we're proud of you!
In other news, the now nightly mysterious wailing that is waking up sleeping infants and tormenting pets and parents alike has continued for the sixth straight night in a row and yours truly is concerned that we can’t take much more of it. I won’t say I’m hallucinating, but I had a lovely conversation with a unicorn sitting in a tree outside the window of my 7th floor apartment. I know this is impossible, partly because I live in a single story house, but mostly because everyone knows unicorns around Tecumseh hate climbing trees.
Tim the Hydra has moved! In what I assume was a lovely ceremony two days ago that was attended by absolutely no one because people generally don’t like to be eaten, Tim and Candace the sea serpent tied the knot. Any witnesses who were present aren’t talking, because they naturally would have been consumed immediately as Tim has been very hungry. I know it went well though because Candace sent the station a thank you note for the cuisinart mixer I purchased from their Target registry. Her note reads as follows:
“Thank you, city of Tecumseh, for the lovely gift of the cuisinart mixer. It has long been a dream of mine to make mashed potatoes and now I can just as soon as I find an electric outlet somewhere in the pond. I’m sorry you couldn’t make the ceremony. Tim looked so handsome in his miami vice style suit with epic shoulder pads. It’s like I was marrying Don Johnson three times, you know on account of Tim having three heads. I also wanted to thank the FBCI for stopping the talking fish smugglers but don’t have an address for them. Could you pass that along? I have some turtles in the family on my mother’s side and we don’t want turtle haters living in our pond. Also, special thanks to FBCI agents Al and Joey for not tear gassing the wedding and kidnapping my new husband and myself. We realize we’re a tempting couple of targets. Maybe we’ll name our babies after them. Tim is currently in the process of moving to the pond, so he won’t be living at the wastewater treatment plant anymore. That all for now, thanks again. Hugs and kisses, Candace.”
Ahh, that’s sweet.
By the way, Tecumseh, I went ahead and put your names on the card for the cuisinart, so you each owe me three cents. Why? Because 249.99 divided by 8356 people comes out to roughly 3 cents a piece. And I for one think that’s a small price to pay for not being eaten by a couple of giant reptiles.
Special thanks to Jason, my former science consultant for doing that math on that, but I’m not hiring you back as my consultant. At best I’ll promote you to calculator with a bow tie.
In other news, the Not Really Radio live event is coming up the day after tomorrow at 7pm at covenant Church. See you there! This is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.
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Well folks, yesterday will not be forgotten anytime soon. I’m certain that the great squirrel riot will go down in all our collective memories as a dark day for Tecumseh. On the other hand, human nature being what it is, there is also the distinct possibility no one even noticed the squirrel riot or the flight of the Deer Whisperer. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
You know, it's nice to see government agencies working in concert with private citizens. Not long after Chester Chase Chased the Deer Whisperer into the wilds of suburban Tecumseh, the FBCI stepped in and got the all deer and squirrels wrangled back to the woods and their human sympathizers were cuffed and carted away in a whole fleet of black nondescript government vehicles.
When reached for a comment the FBCI of course made no mention of Chester Chase, instead attributing the conclusion of this drama to their own hard work and preparedness. One of them also complained that their cooler was trampled and their peanut butter and jelly sandwich rendered inedible.
Oh well, Chase doesn't really need the press anyway.
In case you forgot, FBCI, there is still the matter of taking fish smugglers looking to use the red mill pond as a nursery for their vulgar product. Maybe put a hold on the self congratulations and get that situation handled. Just sayin'.
Do you know what location was completely unscathed by the squirrel riot? Covenant Church.
If you're looking for a break from the noxious evidence of panicked animals, might I recommend the Not Really Radio live event on Saturday April 30 at 7pm?
One of the talented individuals providing entertainment is Nate Smith. I was able to catch up with Mr. Smith just in time to get this interview recorded for today’s broadcast.
Mr. Smith, thank you for taking the time to do this. In exactly 12 seconds could you introduce yourself to Tecumseh?
- Nate Smith interview
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Squirrels, that's the word on everybody's mind and I for one refuse to be afraid to say it. This is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio.
If you're just rolling into town I recommend you immediately hit the brakes and proceed with caution. Just a few hours ago our beloved city experienced what can only be described as a riot of squirrels. If it were not for one man and his inhuman abilities, things likely would have turned out very differently.
Just to bring everyone up to speed, Tecumseh has been the site of an above average amount of cryptid activity. Most notably lately being the Deer Whisperer and her gang of deer enthusiasts with their apparent goal of deposing humans as the authority in our town and then there’s the mysterious nightly wail that has everyone sleep deprived and on edge.
Just hours ago the deer compound located in the woods near the golf course was conducting military exercises under the watchful eye of the FBCI. My sources report that the deer had apparently been joined by every single squirrel in the city. The tiny arboreal mammals have begun to drill with their much larger compatriot and traitorous human sympathizers have been equipping every buck with a decent rack with slingshots and gatling guns, essentially creating deer tanks with squirrel gunners.
Feel like that escalated fast? Me too
Wait there’s more.
A sound that can only be described as the source of every bad thing ever shattered the quiet air and startled three new deer recruits, freshly armed with shotguns and squirrel partners. The panicked animals all squeezed their triggers simultaneously. The resulting thunder sent the rest of deer squirrel hybrids into a frenzied stampede straight through the middle of town. It was horrible, deer were running, squirrels were gunning, traffic was honking and all appeared to be lost.
It was a dark day for Tecumseh.
Then, from out of nowhere Chester Chase came swinging on a vine through the center of town and caught, with his bare hands, every single bullet before it could hit its mark. He then hurled the erstwhile threats in the direction of Johnson’s Sporting Goods located near the intersection of Valley and M-52. Witnesses in the area say the slugs are still falling from the sky and landing in a neat pile behind the building. Then, in a further demonstration of pure awesomeness the cryptid bounty hunter dismantled every weapon within less than 30 seconds and took off in hot pursuit of the deer whisperer who was running away in terror. Which I for one find completely understandable because I’m a fan of Chester Chase but if he was chasing me I’d look scared too.
Although the immediate mortal threat was handled, there’s still a whole mess of confused and panicked deer and squirrels making safe traversal of our fair town a dicey proposition at best.
My recommendation? Stay inside Tecumseh, and if you absolutely must leave, wear shoes you don’t love and drive slowly.
Here’s hoping we won’t need to worry about any deer-related shenanigans for our live Not Really Radio Event on Saturday April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church
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For all of you who have been following the growing deer menace in our fair city I have good news and bad news. The bad news is the Deer Whisperer has been making progress in militarizing the local deer herds of Tecumseh. The good news is tacos. If the bad news gets you down, just revisit day 12 of this podcast! This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Every sporting goods store in the area reported break-ins and theft last night. So far it seems only items that can be carried without hands have been taken. There is also a great deal of mud, leaves and twigs left at each scene, along with copious piles of little black pellets all over the floors. I don’t suppose I need to tell you what those are.
Reports are flooding into the station as witnesses are describing deer decked out in modified hockey pads and football gear marching together in large well ordered companies with militaristic precision.
The lone figure of the Deer Whisperer is no longer so alone. It seems a gang of deer enthusiasts have joined her cause and are helping prepare her troops for war. What happens when opposable thumbs and intelligent minds team up with deer strength and numbers? The Deerpocalypse is my guess.
The FBCI recently threw a paper airplane through my window that said “We encourage you to not take the Deer Whisperer’s aspirations of total city domination seriously. We sure aren’t. Even so, we’re watching her and her impressively organized deer army closely.”
Sorry boys, I for one am upgrading this story from mild annoyance to looming threat. I hope Chester Chase is following this story.
In the meantime I will continue to bring you updates as I get them.
Last night our fair city was once again filled with an odding wailing sound that instills one with a sense of impending doom. Wonder what that is? Me too! And if Jason was better at science, maybe we’d know something!
In other news, Tim the hydra was seen running in was looked to be terror from a bunch of squirrels wearing tiny sets of fake antlers. He dove head first into the pond by the Community center and was last seen shaking in fear while being comforted by his fiance Candace the sea serpent who makes the pond her home.
I for one can't help but wonder if the Deer Whisperer is attempting to weaponize the squirrels as well as the deer. Strange days, Tecumseh, hug your loved ones close. Until next time this is Vox and you've been listening to Not really radio.
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I gotta tell you folks, if I can’t start getting a full night’s sleep I fear I might start making poor judgment calls. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
I reached out to a friend of mine who - since he was the only applicant - I recently hired as my top science consultant to help us make sense of some of the cryptid craziness we experience here in Tecumseh.
Honestly, I’m questioning my choice, as his only expertise lies in taking an online course called “Get Really good at science stuff really fast.com”. But apparently they have a bunch of satisfied celebrity clients that range from Bill Nye to the research and development arm of Gemmy the American Novelty manufacturer responsible for Billy the Big Mouth Bass, so I decided I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
I asked my friend to put his newfound science abilities to work and explain this odd wailing sound that's been bothering Tecumseh so I could in turn explain it to you.
He said: “It is either organic or inorganic in nature. The sound lies well within the range of human hearing, but seems to bother dogs as well. It’s been proven to awaken sleeping infants and cause a significant sense of discomfort in most if not all humans. The sound is audible from anywhere in Tecumseh and is really really loud and annoying. Did you know Dihydrogen oxide is the main ingredient for cryptid paralysis venom?”
In a related story, I have recently fired my science consultant and may be in the market for a new friend as well.
In other news, congratulations are in order for Tim the hydra who lives near the wastewater treatment plant on his engagement to Candace the Sea Serpent who lives in the pond behind the community center. The couple is registered at giant monsters ‘r us, Cthulu and sons home goods and Target.
Finally a tiny truck tipped over in the parking lot of Bucsch’s and somewhere around thousand tiny pairs of antlers on head bands spilled out all over a two square foot patch of asphalt. An employee was approaching to sweep up the tiny mess when a scurry of squirrels descended on her, and pelted her with acorns until she ran screaming back to the safety of the store. The squirrels then cleaned up the antler headbands, righted the truck and were last seen driving at top speed, so around 8mph, toward Occidental.
Wonder what that was about.
Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.
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Did anyone else notice the odd wailing sound that filled Tecumseh last night? I for one was instilled with a sense of impending doom. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
There’s a lot going on in this morning’s broadcast, so as my good friend Clark Cothern II second says: Hike up yer skirts lassies we’re goin’ to run today!
- First and foremost, it’s been a couple days since my huge goof and my FBCI sources still aren’t speaking to me. It occurred to me, I haven’t apologized. Allow me to do so. Dear Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation, specifically agents Al and Joey. I apologize for ruining your plans to handle the Deer Whisperer, Talking Fish Smugglers and Akaname all at once. I realize that my annoyance at being abducted from my home and flown all over town is no reason to interfere with your very serious jobs. I apologize and will try to do better in the future
- Several listeners have asked if the FBCI are aliens, since my description of their ufo makes it seem like they’re definitely aliens. They are not. They simply enjoy a decent working relationship with the Men in Black. As such they have access to things like flying saucers, cool sunglasses and an inflated sense of importance.
- Tim the hydra who lives near the wastewater plant has asked that citizens please run slower, he’s not as young as he used to be and is having a hard time catching dinner lately. He’s down two pants sizes and can’t afford to keep replacing his wardrobe.
- The Not Really Radio podcast is in the market for an expert in science type stuff. Only serious applicants please. Just leave your resume taped to the back of the first stop sign at the jackalope crossing over by the products.
- Witnesses have been calling, texting and tweeting about a fairly organized herd of deer who marching across Brown st near the high school holding up traffic. The brazen herd ignored motorists who slammed on their brakes and laid on their horns. As one caller said “When we honked at them they turned to look at us and walked slower. It was extremely dumb and maybe a little menacing. Mostly because they were accompanied by people wearing t-shirts that said things like "deer are the best" and "down with Nugent" who seemed to be duct taping assault rifles to their flanks”
- It seems there is a Chester Chase imposter out there causing a considerable amount of mayhem. Physically he is virtually indistinguishable from the genuine article. You can identify him by his proclivity for entering talent contests, losing, then stealing the rightful winner's trophy while screaming "I'm a brown banana from funkytown" or "down with cars"or sometimes "I'm number 1". Also he sports a sinister mustache. If you encounter this imposter, alert the fbci immediately because having a bad mustache is a crime.
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Finally, one of the people singing on the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm is Faith Rhodes. I had the chance to talk to her via telephone recently and got this interview:
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Faith Rhodes interview
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This just in, a group of really gross red cryptids with long tongues were seen being escorted out of town in the direction of what can only be the Detroit Metro airport. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
The Akaname are no more. That sounded ominous. They’re not dead, just being deported. More on that in a moment, but first, the classifieds.
- To everyone ignoring the first of the two stop signs on the westbound lane of the intersection at Evans and Patterson. Please stop. You’re causing untold damage to the large herds of migrating jackalopes that use that intersection to safely navigate the mean sidewalks of Tecumseh
- To the person responsible for the previous bulletin, please stop referring to the sidewalks of Tecumseh as mean. They’re actually very nice if you treat them well.
- There’s a pleasant sense of well-being that’s been found on Kilbuck. If you’ve lost your pleasant sense of well-being, it can easily be reclaimed by inviting three people to join you at the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church.
- The hydra who lives near the Waste Water Treatment plant has asked that people stop screaming “Oh no, a monster, run away” when they see him. Instead, just scream “Oh no, it’s Tim, run away”.
Back to the news.
Witnesses have described what appeared to be a really disgusting altercation between two members of the FBCI and a handful of Akaname behind Tuckey’s Big Boy yesterday at dinnertime.
Apparently it was an arrest of convenience, the two agents had been driving by and happened to spot the three Akaname beginning to tip the dumpster while four more jumped up and down in excitement.
The agents immediately pulled in, produced super soakers filled with Cryptid paralysis venom and sprayed the Akaname, freezing them all solid, with one exception. An eighth Akaname had been inside the dumpster and tried to flee upon seeing his compatriots frozen. The agents leapt on him with cryptid cuffs and a can-do attitude and after a spirited scuffle managed to subdue the Akaname but not until they both were covered in filth and greek salad.
Gross.
But congratulations to the FBCI on a solid and very public win! Good job guys.
Maybe we can convince these two heroes to join us at our Not Really Radio Event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church here in Tecumseh! I’m optimistic.
Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.
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I don’t know exactly what was going on, but a lot of reports have come in about a large and raucous celebration that took place over in Manchester last night. Stories are conflicting but one thing seems clear, there once was a thing in the city that filled people with a sense of impending doom and last night it apparently took its leave. Soo, congratulations Manchester, we’re all very happy for you! Quick question: was the source of impending doom Canadian Geese? If so, how did you get them to leave? Asking for a friend. This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
While I’ve recovered somewhat from what I shall forevermore refer to as the Canadian Revelation I have to admit, it’s left me scarred. I didn’t realize how deep the hurt went until I received the following sponsor spot in my work email this morning.
“Swing into savings with vines, a great cardio intensive and carbon neutral means of travel. The shortest distance from point A to point B is no longer a line, it’s a graceful arc. Don’t take our word for it, listen to this great testimonial from Chester Chase, Cryptid Bounty Hunter:
“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. Everyone should swing on vines. Protect the Ozone layer. Down with cars. Cars are stupid. Swing on vines.
“You heard it here, so it must be true, Chester Chase doesn’t want you to drive in your cars anymore! Let’s put a stop to ozone depletion! Travel instead via conveniently placed vines! It’s a two fold heart healthy system. Your heart will feel better for the physical exercise but you’ll also have the added psychological benefits of virtue signaling when you let others know how much better you are than them because you care about the ozone layer! Wanna feel fine? Swing on a vine!
“Head on down to your local car dealership today and turn in your keys!”
Now folks, while I am quick to embrace all the craziness of this beautiful made up world I live in, I have to draw the line somewhere and I think I’ve found it. I’m afraid I find the email address carkiller86@ozone.org is more than a little suspicious. So at the risk of losing advertising dollars (which are paid in monopoly money anyway) I’m going to go out on a limb and say: Don’t believe everything you hear from the fictional advertisers on this program.
Don’t take my word for it though, Chester Chase himself sent me this message to play for you.
CHESTER: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been misrepresented and would like to set the story straight. What you heard was indeed my voice and my words, but taken completely out of context. In truth, I was contacted by a representative of the ozone layer asking me to encourage people to travel the way I do. Here's my real response:
“I love to swing on vines. I do it all the time. However, not everyone should swing on vines. I have special cryptid abilities that make vines appear when I reach for them. I don't recommend anyone try that. If they do, I can't protect them from what is sure to be a very bad day. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the Ozone layer, and I want to support its work. I could not, however, in good conscience say things like:
Down with cars.
I drive big rigs at 88 miles an hour for crying out loud. I don't think cars are stupid. I like cars. So I'm sorry but my message to the public is this: Absolutely do not ever, swing on vines."
There you have it folks, Chester Chase himself setting the record straight. Maybe good things can come out of Canada. The next time you’re out driving in your car I recommend you drive by 5290 Milwaukee Rd. It’s right across the street from the Tecumseh Golf Club. That way you’ll know exactly how to get to the Not Really Radio Event on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm
Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio
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Did anyone see a flying saucer above Burger King in the wee hours of the morning? Did anyone else see a broadcaster in bare feet and pj’s being eaten by said flying saucer? Or was that just me? This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
Sources from inside the FBCI got a hold of me this morning. Now, I know what you’re thinking, they probably just approached me in one of their black nondescript government vehicles and passed me some kind of note, right? Cause that’s what they do.
I wish.
No, this time I was awakened by a strange light in my bedroom that lifted me gently from my bed, out the closed window [so that has to be replaced, through the trees [because I wasn’t scraped up enough by the broken glass], under the water tower, around Ousterhout’s flowers, love that place, over Burger King, who I will never recommend for your floral needs, and then high into the air to the waiting flying saucer which opened like a giant bubble tape dispenser to allow me entry. If you know anything about Tecumseh’s layout then you realize I was treated to a completely unnecessary tour of half the town during my abduction. I was then deposited gently - but really, why bother? - on a cold steel floor in my bare feet.
Two agents who called each other Al and Joey sprayed me down with a disinfectant administered via firehose which burned exactly like fire but succeeded in healing all my cuts and scrapes with the added benefit of giving me what amounted to a screaming sunburn. I’m hoping that’s gonna turn into a tan.
I realize I likely sound a bit ungrateful for what was certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
I am.
Perhaps I would be less annoyed if not for the fact that my abducting agents simply handed me a folded note before the beam picked me back up and sent me home the way I came.
I resisted the urge to open the note right away, choosing instead to share this moment with you, Tecumseh, because I care about you. I care about you so much that when I have news to share with you I do not come into your bedroom and drag you uncomfortably and unnecessarily all over town only to hand you a note like we’re in third grade and you’re my not so secret crush. So, here’s the note:
Please warn people to avoid the secret parking lot of the secret mcdonald’s for the next few days as we’re setting up a sting operation to take down the Deer Whisperer, the Akaname and the talking fish smugglers all in one fell swoop. We’re trying to get all cryptid activity under control in time for your Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church. PS, we’re sure we don’t need to tell you this, but please don’t share these details with your listeners as it will effectively ruin the entire operation.
Well.
That’s disappointing.
This is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.
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Good News, Tecumseh! Thurgood Demeter Fowlerton the III, our local larva of the mothra variety, is currently starting a new life as the lead deforesting agent in Iron County in the Upper Peninsula. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Local legend Chester Chase reached out to some contacts he has in Deforestation Co, the top competitor of Shamco Inc and a top logging company in the U.P.. Chase introduced them to our rapidly growing Mothra worm, which terrified locals have begun affectionately referring to as Thurgie, Thurgalicious, eeek a giant worm, is it glowing? It’s totally glowing, oh no it just ate uncle Howard, quick run away. Witnesses say representatives from Shamco showed up around lunchtime in Tecumseh, watched Thurgie clear out an acre and a half of trees in a half hour and immediately put him on a truck headed for the Upper Peninsula late yesterday afternoon.
If you missed your chance to see Thurgie around town, don’t fret. One intrepid listener sent us a photo of him which we’ve posted on the Not Really Radio Facebook page and twitter feed and our instagram. We don’t have an instagram. Oh, our secret instagram. I guess if you know you know. Our thoughts go with Thurgie as he embarks on his exciting new career as an expert in deforestation.
In other news, the purpose of this Not Really Radio pre-show is to entertain and enlighten you, Tecumseh, with all sorts of made up information and not real news reports in preparation for our live event on April 30 at 7pm. And you can help! Wherever you hear this podcast, whether on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter or the main webpage, share it with your friends and family and encourage them to come enjoy an evening of laughter and live music at the low low price of free!
One of the entertainers we’ll be enjoying at our live event is Nona Bennett who will be singing and acting both. I was able to catch up with Nona by phone and she agreed to do a short interview. Here it is.
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The great thing about cryptids is their existence can’t be proven. Even if you have foot prints, photos, carcasses and anecdotal evidence, there is no way to establish a cryptid is real. Which of course is exactly why Canada doesn’t exist.
Don’t get me wrong, timbits from Tim Horton’s are great and I sure do like Ryan Reynolds and Dan Akroyd, but you cannot prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Canada is real.
Oh sure, there’s something living north of the United States, and Windsor is a great town, but as soon as you tell me to head south from Detroit to get to a city located within a country north of the U.S. all you’ve proven to me is that you believe the earth is flat, sharks are smooth and Chester Chase is not in fact the toughest man on the planet.
It just doesn’t make sense.
So what has your favorite broadcaster all bent out of shape about our alleged neighbors to the north?
The Geese.
It just didn’t make sense. Until now.
All I’ve ever heard is how Canada is so sweet and polite, and for the most part I’ve believed it. For about as long as I believed the entire nation of Canada was not in fact populated almost exclusively by cryptids.
Then I went for a casual stroll out by the community center.
As I began to walk along the shore on the east side of the pond by the Community Center I was greeted by a hiss. There it stood, the biggest, angriest canadian goose I’ve ever seen. I looked around carefully, there were no goslings to be seen, just this big mad waterfowl that was glaring at me with malicious intent.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a coward and I’m pretty sure my kung fu is strong enough to handle an irritable canadian. But here’s where it gets weird.
I decided my stroll wasn’t worth the effort and turned to head back to Mr Mentallo, the name I’ve given my Ford Flex. Rather than peacefully carry on about my evening though I encountered another goose, even bigger than the first one. Also angry, also hissing at me, also advancing menacingly.
The surprise on my face was reflected in the distressed honk of the swans swimming nearby that saw what was going down and immediately flew away.
Have you ever seen a swan flee in terror?
Me neither.
It’s foreboding.
I was preparing to let loose my best fake karate yell when a disturbance in the water caught my attention. The most welcome sight greeted my admittedly panicked eyes.
The Cryptid Bounty Hunter himself, Chester Chase strode calmly up and out of the water and pointed back toward the pond while making eye contact with the goose in front of me. Obediently the angry creature swam away. Chester turned to the other goose and it also retreated. I watched in relief as they left us then turned to Mr Chase and noticed he was bone dry.
I thanked Chester for intervening in what I’m sure would have been an epic martial arts battle complete with ninjas. I also mentioned how surprised I was that geese from Canada were so darn unfriendly when the rest of Canada was supposed to be so great.
That’s when Chester Chase dropped the bomb on me
But first a word from our sponsor:Have you ever noticed there are a lot of cars on the road. Yeah, we have too. Stop driving cars. Seek alternate ways of travel. Maybe try swinging on vines. Brought to you by the ozone layer.
Canadians aren’t real!
At first I objected but then he hit me with the next one.
Do you know how he knows Canada isn’t real?
Because Chester Chase is Canadian!
Turns out the cryptids that live in Canada are quasi humans who deposit all their nastiness in a single lake in northern Ontario. This lake then spontaneously generates angry geese that carry Canada’s ugly character flaws out of the country to spew it all over the United States.
Do you get what I’m saying?
Canadian Geese are emotional garbage men and we’re the dump!
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Our giant worm monster is on the move. If you’re over by the pit today, there’s a twenty foot worm in the vicinity that secret sources inside the FBCI say will eventually become a Mothra. Pictures are fine, but please leave the beast alone and don’t litter. It can’t grow up to attack Tokyo if we mess with its habitat.
Chester Chase, if you’re listening, now may be a good time to intervene. Tokyo is really far away and Tecumseh is right here. I for one don’t want to be ground zero for an epic battle between Mothra and Godzilla. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
Well Tecumseh, it's day 17 of the 29 day not really radio preshow podcast. 17 of 29, those are prime numbers, does that mean 17 29ths is a prime fraction? Is there such a thing as a prime fraction? I don’t know, I can’t get a hang of this new fangled math. Maybe someday someone will put it in song and I can be entertained and educated at the same time. Hmmmmm. Foreshadowing aside, we’re over halfway there, and I gotta tell you, I’m getting excited. The Not Really Radio event is shaping up to be a walloping good time with fantastic vocalists like Simon Suboski, Kimberly Stephens, Nona Bennett, Faith Rhodes, Nate Smith and more. We have a talented cast of radio drama actors who will entertain us with an adventure from the life of Chester Chase Cryptid Bounty Hunter. Josh Seames and Karen Miller will guide us through the evening as a couple of top notch radio news anchors and On top of this we only get one rehearsal to make it all work!
Speaking of our radio news anchors. We already got to meet Josh Seames on Day 10, today we get to listen to a brief interview with Karen Miller
- Karen Miller interview
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I was at the drive-through of Taco Bell yesterday waiting for my steak chalupa with no tomato and watched with no small amount of surprise as what appeared to be both Bambi and his mom cut in front of me, hollered something through the window and awkwardly hurled a ball of mud poorly fashioned in the shape of a grenade at the confused employee. Awkwardly hurled, that’s an odd turn of phrase. How about tossed poorly? I don’t know. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
Both deer took off so fast afterward that their cigarettes fell from their mouths. It took them a long time to disappear though because smoking is very bad for you and makes aerobic activities difficult.
I pulled up to the window and made sure the girl was okay. I then immediately told her how she would be safe from deer attacks at the Not Really Radio event at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30 at 7pm before I asked her what they threw at her. To my relief, the girl assured me she’d be in attendance April 30th and then said “they just threw a ball of mud and leaves at me and made weird deer noises before running away. Deer are stupid.”
This isn’t an isolated incident either, Tecumseh. I’m getting more and more reports of people encountering deer waging guerilla warfare all over town. Instead of guns they attack with mud, sticks and sometimes poop. The spears and slingshots they’ve been seen carrying are typically useless, mostly due to them not having opposable thumbs, or in fact fingers at all. There had also been some concern about a tank, but the last sighting of that involved it trundling toward Adrian completely unmanned because deer can’t drive tanks. So that’s good. Except maybe for Adrian. Sorry Adrian.
So far in this bizarre ongoing story there are two credible threats to be on the lookout for
One is the Deer Whisperer herself. If you haven’t heard yet, this is the woman wearing deer antlers and carrying a howitzer like a shotgun who is credited with organizing the deer and arming them with their admittedly pointless weapons. Stay away from that lady, if you see her contact the FBCI immediately.
The other credible threat is nothing new, but eternally annoying, that being deer who have taken to using their bodies as surface to car missiles. There’s no telling when one of them might launch from the woods and into your grill, so be on the lookout while you’re out there driving Tecumseh.
The third major issue is less threat and more colossal annoyance which lies in the brazen way these beasts turn so many of our flower beds into buffets when we’re not looking.
I agree with the girl from taco bell, deer are stupid.
In other news, nothing new on the talking fish drama. Maybe they decided Tecumseh wasn't for them? Wouldn't surprise me, between the Candadian Geese and the Hydra living down by the wastewater plant I wouldn't want to be a fish around here.
Speaking of Geese, I saw one the other day walking through my yard that had something white hanging from its bill. I didn't want to get closer, so really I'm only guessing, but I feel like that white thing resembled a swan feather. Hmm.
Akaname, they are super gross. There are more and more reports of garbage trucks being stolen, compost heaps being swam in and dumpsters being tipped over. The FBCI is on the case, but our visiting cryptids are extremely elusive, plus as a note thrown at me from a black nondescript government vehicle stated: “They’re gross. And so darn slippery. Like really slippery. You would not believe how slippery they are.”
That’s alright boys, we’re all rooting for you. Plus, rumor has it Chester Chase may be back in town, so if you can’t handle it, maybe he’ll step in. A listener recently told me they saw him down by the products building nests for unemployed birds.
That will do it for me today, until next time this is Vox and you're listening to Not Really Radio
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Hey what happened to all swans? I finally have an answer. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
As always, Tecumseh, I’m here to ask the tough questions that are on your mind. And I know, like myself, you’ve been wondering: What happened to all the swans?
First some context. As I'm sure many of you remember, it was just a couple weeks back a whole mess of swans, a bevy if you will, were making themselves comfortable on the Redmill pond.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll give you more on that story in a second, but I’ve just been handed a bulletin that is breaking and relevant to anyone who has bushes, shrubs or trees. A giant egg found near the intersection of Billmyer and Milwaukee Rd recently hatched, and a very large worm with glowing blue spots immediately started eating trees. Like whole trees, not just leaves. So watch out for that. Apparently a member of the FBCI asked what its intentions are regarding our fair city and the creature replied with: Braaaaak
If anyone out there speaks eldritch monster, please contact the FBCI as soon as possible as their last interpreter recently lost an argument with Godzilla and has been assumed retired.
Makes me wonder, what does a giant worm turn into? Maybe we’ll find out. If it doesn’t clear out our woodlands first.
Back to the swans. Turns out they heard rumors about the Canadian geese that regularly make Tecumseh their home. I’m sure you know what geese I’m talking about. If you spend time near any of the waterways in the area you’ve likely encountered them. Awfully aggressive for Canadians if you ask me. Of course, that’s assuming Canadians are real, buuut that’s another bit for another day.
Anyway, swans being the unnecessarily aggressive birds that they are, these aquatic interlopers showed up to challenge our canadian geese friends to a fist fight.
I won’t waste your time with the blow by blow details, mostly since I don’t have them. One witness described it as “imagine a flock of Bruce Lee put the hurt on a herd of Chuck Norris, only it’s on the water and they’re birds”. Sounds intense. I’m assuming the Geese were the Bruce Lees in this donnybrook, as you may have noticed, the swans have quietly taken their leave, but our Canadians are still here, swimming, eating, pooping and generally treating our town like… bad.
I for one am torn. My hometown bullies seem to have successfully fended off the white winged invaders, but I still don’t feel safe walking to the kayak rental by the community center.
Still, it makes me wonder, are these geese on our side? Or are they going to turn on us like we’re in a Stephen King novel?
Hopefully we’ll find out more at the Not Really Radio event on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant church right here in Tecumseh. Until next time, this is Vox, you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio.
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What has two thumbs and is intimidated by the idea of a deer with a howitzer and a bad attitude? I’ll give you a hint: It’s me. I have two thumbs. And I’m here to tell you, fear the deer. This is Vox the voice of Not Really Radio
More on scary deer in just a minute, but first, I’ve been getting a lot of emails and tweets from my listeners asking what you can do to protect yourself from local cryptids. I feel like the first and most important thing for you to know is that the FBCI branch that operates out of Tecumseh is among the nation’s best and very rarely is there an actual threat to you the population.
I can’t tell you how I know that because he made me promise I wouldn’t before he drove away in his black nondescript government vehicle slurping down what I would guess was a vanilla malt from Doll’n Burger.
Aside from that though I recommend carrying a vial of cryptid paralysis venom with you at all times. It’s super affordable, completely non-toxic to humans and looks, smells and tastes exactly like water. In fact it so closely resembles water that you would never be able to identify it if it weren’t for its convenient Busch’s water bottle packaging. If a cryptid comes into contact with it, however, they will immediately freeze solid… or start smoldering…. Or start spinning in circles singing I’m a Little Teapot…. or sometimes they’ll turn into a tree.
Back to our story of the moment. Who is the shadowy figure wearing antlers that’s been seen skulking about the various wooded areas in Tecumseh often in the company of several deer? Some say he’s a were-deer, you know like a werewolf but half deer instead of half big angry dog. Others are calling him a manifestation of all the deer who have lost games of chicken with motorists. I can’t attest to any of that, what I can tell you is that recent rumors indicate that he may in fact be a she. Why does this matter? It doesn’t, but that costume did not match the advertisement and one size does not in fact fit all. Just goes to show you, sometimes this show is just as much of a mystery to the guy who writes it as it is to you, dear listeners! Whether this person is a he, a she, a them or a rutabaga, they have earned a nickname, one you’ve already heard mentioned on this show: The Deer Whisperer.
Now someone who likes to dress up like a deer and play in the woods might seem a little unbalanced, especially in a town where so many kids skip school on the first day of hunting season. Not much of a threat, right?
Well, I wouldn’t discount them just yet.
We have already heard how the Deer Whisperer has been talking to the Wampus cat and his feral cat cronies. Now witnesses report that the Deer Whisperer has been arming the local deer population with spears and slingshots and - get this - has even been seen talking to squirrels. I don’t know if any of the rest of you have seen open season, but if our squirrels are anything like that, I’m avoiding the woods for… like… ever.
Just in case anyone out there thinks they could take the Deer Whisperer in a fair fight, I have one more nugget of information for you. That howitzer I mentioned earlier? They carry it like a shotgun.
Citizens are encouraged to keep their distance from any deer or squirrels they encounter and immediately report any sightings to the FBCI. And maybe keep some cryptid paralysis venom on you at all times.
You know, one way to avoid the Deer Whisperer and her cronies, at least for an evening, is to attend the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church right here in the bustling burg of Tecumseh.
Until next time, this is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
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The Wampus Cat that lives behind Burger King has been seen in conversation with a strange antlered figure. Witnesses report they were discussing the cryptid summit taking place in the secret parking lot of the secret McDonald's. Thankfully Chester Chase is back in town and happens to speak cat so I for one, am not worried. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.
I’ve received a few less than helpful responses to my swan quest, specifically I want to know what happened to that huge herd of swans that was during the Red Mill Pond into a beautiful, graceful horror movie. The most intriguing so far is that there were some Canadian geese involved. We’ll see if that goes anywhere.
Elsewhere in our fair city, a large egg has been laid in one of the wooded areas east of town and the FBCI has it under constant surveillance. Citizens are ordered to stay away as there is no way of knowing when it might hatch and what might come out.
If you’ve ever encountered the Wampus Cat that lives behind Burger King, I’m sorry. He’s kind of awful. Rumor has it, he’s in full support of the Deer Whisperer and whatever that weirdo has in store for Tecumseh. Good news, though, it seems Chester Chase is already on top of the situation as witnesses report he’s been seen in talks with the Wampus Cat’s representatives. No one knows what they’re saying, but it’s clear our Cryptid Bounty Hunter is in control of the situation.
Today I had the opportunity to talk with one of the witnesses. Kimberly Stephens, a well-known and loved figure around Tecumseh. Coincidentally, Mrs. Stephens will be performing at the Not Really Radio Live Event and agreed to answer a few short questions for us.
- Kimberly Stephens interview
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I want to take a moment from reporting local shenanigans to load a word for you.
That word is tacos.
Now maybe you already have beautiful thoughts and memories associated with that word. If so, hang on to those tight. If not, let’s dig a little deeper.
Remember the happiest, best thing that ever happened in your life?
Think about it, no matter how big or how small.
It could be your wedding day,
the first day of school,
It could be the first steps of your child.
What about an exciting new job as an arctic spelunker?
Maybe you saw a double rainbow once.
Or maybe you got to the end of binge watching your favorite show on Netflix and discovered the next day they added a new season.
What is the one thing that could make all of these wonderful moments better?
The one thing that is always relevant no matter who you are?
Tacos!
Just think!
You may kiss the bride, and have a taco.
Your promotion comes with a raise, and a taco!
Your child’s first steps could have been to deliver you a taco!
What is the beautiful arc of a double rainbow other than the two sides of a glorious giant taco shell?
See what I mean? Take all the best things in your life and add tacos!
But wait, there’s more.
Because how do you fix a bad day?
Have tacos! It just makes sense!
So here’s what I want you to do. Think hard about the best taco you’ve ever had. Got it? Now mentally bookmark that feeling, that idea, that smell, that taste, that memory, that sense of “everything is okay because this taco is amazing.” Now everytime you hear the word taco, let that memory wash over you and smile.
Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, whether you’re down in the dumps or having the time of your life, add tacos. And if you don’t have any tacos, just think of them and realize you have something beautiful to look forward to! See you Saturday, April 30th at 7pm for the Not Really Radio event. Sadly we won’t have tacos at the show, but do you know what will be open afterward? Taco Bell!
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Today we’re going to dive into the murky depths of back alley euchre, black non-descript government vehicles and you guessed it, talking fish. This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Welcome to Day 11 of the best marketing blitz ever, my name is Vox and I’m bringing you all the news you never knew you needed.
The story that’s been on everyone’s mind recently revolves around rumors of a smuggling ring looking to use the redmill pond as a nursery for talking fish. I just received an email from a person who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Smester Smace. Attached is an audio recording from this morning that allegedly contains evidence of a clandestine euchre game that took place in the alley by Muk’s early this morning. My source insisted I play it for you because he’s assuming the FBCI listens to my show. Aww, I’m touched. Let’s have a listen:
1: Do want me to pick it up?
2: Pass
3: Pass
4: Pick it up
2: are you going alone, partner?
4: No, it’s your turn
2: This should give you an idea of what to expect from me
3: Ouch
1: Just play the game, rumor has it Chase is in town and we don’t want to look like talking fish smugglers
3: But we are talking fish smugglers
1: Yeah, but we don’t want to look like talking fish smugglers.
3: Oh, yeah, guess not, are you gonna lay down or what?
2: Have you guys noticed that black non-descript vehicle over by the Boulevard Market?
4: Yeah, I see it, lay down a card
2: Is there an FBCI branch in Tecumseh?
3: Not that I know of
1: What’s trump?
4: Clubs
3: So when will the fish arrive?
2: My guy says they’ll be here in a few days.
1: Hey, how many buyers do we have lined up?
4: The Canadians are interested of course
3: Naturally
4: A British guy just called me yesterday to say the queen is eager to make a purchase as well
1: Did you explain that these aren’t Billy the Big Mouth Bass?
4: No, I figure Caveat emptor
3: I thought we were playing euchre
1: Caveat emptor means buyer beware. He’s saying we’re talking fish smugglers, there’s no return policy.
2: I feel like that black non-descript vehicle over there has a vaguely governmental vibe. Are we sure the Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation doesn’t operate in Tecumseh?
3: As far as I know the FBCI doesn’t even know Tecumseh exists. That’s why the red mill pond is such an ideal location for the nursery.
2: I just feel bad for the turtles.
1: Why, what’s with the turtles?
3: According to his guy, the fish are super racist against turtles and only know bad words.
2: Once this little venture has concluded every shelled reptile in the area is likely to need years of therapy.
4: Bummer
3: Gin!
4: That doesn’t make any sense. You’re embarrassing yourself. Stop it.
2: What do we do if Chase shows up?
4: Handle him, he’s just one guy. There’s four of us. As long as the FBCI isn’t onto us I’m not worried. You all know your assignments, Let’s get to it.
Well there you have it. FBCI guys, if you’re listening that sounds like a pretty solid indicator that there may be something going down at the red mill pond. If you’re curious how this is going to turn out, so am I. Let’s find out together at Not Really Radio on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church.
Until next time, this is Vox saying: Save the turtles!
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Has anyone else noticed the increase in deer-related shenanigans lately? Recent complaints reveal the deer population of Tecumseh has taken to playing chicken with oncoming motorists, often at the last possible second thereby guaranteeing both parties lose. This is Vox and you’re listening to not really radio
You know with Chester Chase out of town and deer becoming more aggressive I thought as a public service I would do a little homework. What do the experts say is your best means of defending yourself against a charging deer? Well the number one result came from goneoutdoors.com in an article titled: How to fend off a charging deer. I won’t bore you with the whole article, but the immediately relevant portions reads as follows:
“If the attack knocks you to the ground, curl into the fetal position. Try to protect your face, neck and abdomen and wait out the attack. With luck, the deer will deliver a few blows, decide you are not a threat, and leave the area.”
Just remember, you’re more scared of them then they are of you.
In other news I recently had a lovely conversation with Josh Seames, one of the performers at our not really radio live event to be held on April 30 at 7pm. Let’s learn a little about Josh:
- Josh Seames Interview
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Rumor has it a new gang of cryptids has made its way into our fair city and I’m more than a little grossed out. This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio. These cryptids have come to us all the way from Japan and are called the Akaname. The name sounds cool until you find out what it means, which I kinda don’t want to say.
It’s gross.
Anyway, there has been a rash of dumpster tippings all over town which my sources say are the fault of our guests from overseas. Apparently the Akaname typically live in bathrooms, the dirtier the better. The good news is, Tecumseh bathrooms are considerably more hygienic than those of 17th century Japan. The bad news is, The Akaname are in our town on a temporary visitor visa for some big cryptid convention allegedly sponsored by the deer whisperer, and while they’re here they’ve gotta eat.
Gross.
Thus the dumpster tipping. If they’re going to eat the stuff I don’t know why they can’t just crawl in and go to town, why make a mess? One theory is that they want to make Tecumseh a place of perpetual filth so as to increase their numbers and eventually conquer the state of Michigan.
I guess some cryptids are just kinda jerks.
Gross jerks.
My sources say the FBCI is investigating and close to making an arrest, but the visitor visa makes it sticky… gross. And they have to catch them in the act of criminal activity in order to deport them.
Hopefully they’ll wrap it up soon since another source of mine says hometown hero Chester Chase is out of the country teaching old dogs new tricks so we can’t expect any help from him and I’m not eager to report much more on this particular story.
I think I’m going to skip lunch today, because… gross
More good news, if you want to visit a place guaranteed to be Akaname free, come to the Not Really Radio live event on Saturday April 30ths at 7pm at Covenant Church. Until next time this is Vox the voice of Not Really Radio slightly nauseous and signing off.
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Hey did anyone else notice a deer staring through binoculars at passing traffic over by the high school this morning? I swear it had a cigarette hanging from its mouth. Someone needs to educate the deer population on the dangers of smoking, This is Vox and your listening to not really radio
Well humans, today it is my absolute pleasure to bring you a brief phone interview I had with Julia Cifaldi, one of the performers at our not really radio event on April 30th at 7pm.
Before that though, some news updates:
be on the lookout for some new to Tecumseh cryptids that witnesses are describing as red and gross with really long tongues.
That sounds horrible.
In a related story, sources say there is a cryptid convention coming to Tecumseh, reportedly to be held in the secret parking lot of the secret McDonalds. No word yet on who is sponsoring this soiree or why
Hey, remember the swans that were on the Red Mill pond a week ago or so? Any idea where they went? There were like two hundred and now there’s like six. I don’t miss them, I just don’t want to be caught up in a swanmageddon because I lost track of the evil creatures. They’re like tigers, dangerous when you can see them, more dangerous when you can’t. If you know where they went, drop me a line.
Back to Ms. Cifaldi. She is one of the talented performers who will be joining us at the Not Really Radio live event located where 35 mile an hour Burt st turns into 45 mile an hour Milwaukee rd and the truck behind you gets far closer than necessary when you slow down to turn into the parking lot even though you had your blinker on in plenty of time. Just sayin’. Here’ s interview:
- Julia Cifaldi interview
That was the immensely charming Julia Cifaldi, and you know what? I have a soft spot for turtles too! Hopefully we can protect them from racist talking fish! Let’s find out together, How? Take a couple minutes out of your every day to listen to Not Really Radio! This is Vox, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow!
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What is that rustling in the bushes? What goes bump in the night? What ate the last ice cream sandwich? Are we in fact living with cryptids among us? This is Vox, and you’re listening to Not Really Radio. As many of you are aware, the feature presentation of the Not Really Radio event is a radio drama called Chester Chase, Cryptid Bounty Hunter.
Understandably, some of you have wondered what exactly a cryptid is and why would there be bounty hunters associated with such a thing?
Good questions.
Simply put, the broadest definition of the word cryptid is “an animal whose existence is unsubstantiated.”
Perhaps the most well known cryptids are Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, the Beaufort Street Banshee, vampires, werewolves, yetis, chupacabra, cthulu, John Cena, jackalopes, cute spiders, and there are of course rumors about entire population of Canada.
Of course the Not Really Radio Event set to take place on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church is treating cryptids like they’re real, even though everyone knows Canada is mostly made up.
Regardless, we’re going to have some fun with the idea.
That’s where Chester Chase comes in.
Based on stories told around a bus stop behind Jerry’s here in Tecumseh, one writer has put together a highly reliable and mostly made up profile of a bounty hunter of cryptids who is in fact a cryptid himself. I mean, it just makes sense, right? It’s the whole idea of it takes a thief to catch a thief, only with monsters. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling Chester Chase
Ope Hang on… one of my producers has handed me a note.
Sorry folks, it turns out the cryptid community objects to being collectively referred to as monsters. The preferred description is
Myriad Organisms Not Satisfied To Enjoy Regular Sustenance.
I for one am immediately forced to ask a question: Is Regular here defined as consistently occurring, like this podcast? Or is it defined as normal, like a glorious taco? And if it is the second option, a follow up question is demanded: What irregular sustenance is the cryptid community inclined to enjoy?
Oh, hang on, I’m getting another note…
Mostly People
So the cryptid community eats mostly people?
I feel compelled to point out the description the cryptid community insists on, Myriad Organisms Not Satisfied To Enjoy Regular Sustenance is much easier and quicker to say if we just turn it into an acronym, so M O N S T E R S
Yeah, I think that covers it. Cryptids are secret critters of varying hostility and intelligence that generally have a craving for Soylent Green.
So now we have a pretty good handle on what cryptids are and by extension I feel like that answers the question, why have a cryptid bounty hunter?
To learn more about this fascinating topic, join us on April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church right here in beautiful Tecumseh MI. This is Vox, the voice of Not Really Radio signing off. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, maybe call the FBCI.
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Did you know Tuckey’s Big Boy milkshakes are always hand dipped and delicious? They’re not a sponsor, someone on the show just really likes milkshakes, this is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Do you remember Billy the big Mouth Bass? It was that motion activated fish that would sing things like Take Me to the River or Don’t Worry Be Happy whenever you walked by it. Recently I reached out to Gemmy, the American novelty manufacturing company responsible for Billy and asked if they had a comment regarding our own little talking fish drama. You know, the talking fish allegedly headed for the Red Mill Pond? I received a reply from the marketing department via snail mail which had this to say:
“Thank you, consumer, for your interest in our product. While your query is fascinating and sounds like a fun challenge, we are confused. Are you asking us to help you develop a fish that actually talks? Because we can totally do that, we’re really great at this science stuff. However, our official stance must be that we can not in good conscience, however, support that course of action. We here at Gemmy believe that if fish could really talk, you would not want to hear what they have to say. Perhaps contact Dr. Moreau. In the meantime, can we offer you a discount on one of our airblown inflatable lawn decorations?”
Side note, did you know Queen Elizabeth loves Billy the Big Mouth Bass? Sources close to the crown claim there are anywhere from one to seven of the animatronic fishes in Buckingham palace at any given time.
In other news, I’ve received reports of a Chester Chase sighting recently. Apparently while in pursuit of a really nasty hydra that lives near the wastewater treatment plant, Mr Chase collided with a turtle. A well-known lover of shelled reptiles, Chase immediately broke off pursuit and successfully resuscitated his unintended victim. And that ladies and gentlemen is what a hero looks like.
Speaking of Chester Chase, let me tell you about a voice actor, writer, climbing enthusiast and all around amazing guy I know. He is also going to be playing the role of Chester Chase at the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm. He goes by the moniker Clayton Riptide which is pretty awesome all by itself. I was able to catch up with Clayton Riptide on the phone recently and score this little interview. You know I love that sound byte so much I might just hit it again. Clayton Riptide. Heh, heh, cool.
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What’s up humans? Here I am again, making my way into your minds and hearts, but in a good way, not in a creepy way. Unlike those weirdos who have been driving around in their black, non-descript government vehicles. I’m Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Who are these guys in the black vehicles? Well, if you have to ask, it’s probably not safe for you to know. Which is exactly why you have a friend like me who answers the questions on your mind without you having to ask them out loud, thereby saving you from incriminating yourself with Alexa’s ubiquitous attention. Just another service provided for free by yours truly.
You’ve heard of the FBI, right? The Federal Bureau of Investigation? Also known as G-men, Feds, Suits and Fox Mulder. These black vehicle guys are not those guys, well, except maybe Fox Mulder. These agents belong to a super clandestine agency offshoot of the FBI known as the FBCI, which stands for the Federal Bureau of Cryptid Investigation.
The FBCI has no presence in the American consciousness. You can’t even find them online. Yet these quiet heroes spend their days protecting our nation from the constant threat of a host of various cryptids.
While we’re enjoying a venti peppermint mocha from the Busch’s plaza starbucks, they are investigating the Deer Whisperer, a looming threat in our fair city that you’ll learn more about in future broadcasts.
While we’re stopping at the Mobile station next to Doll n’ Burgers to fill up on gas and snacks, they’re putting a stop to a rash of dumpster tippers seeking to sew chaos and filth in our small town lives.
The FBCI handles cryptid activity, both threatening and innocuous on a daily basis. Activities that range from moving the Loch Ness monster to Lake Champlain to stopping the thirty seventh attempted rampage of the Van Meter Monster in the last three months to monitoring the activity of locally tolerated cryptids who are considered more general nuisance than threat.
As is clear from this broadcaster’s report, the FBCI have a job that is high stress and low reward, so next time you see a black non-descript government vehicle parked outside your home, take a moment to be grateful for their presence, and whatever you do, don’t check the bushes. Odds are you don’t want to see the threat they’re protecting you from.
Until tomorrow, this is the voice of Not Really Radio reminding you, it’s all pretend or is it?
The Voice of Not Really Radio is brought to you by the Not Really Radio event, an evening of comedy and music you are invited to free of charge on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm at Covenant Church located at 5290 Milwaukee Rd, Tecumseh MI. Any news heard on this program is almost completely made up and virtually none of is can be trusted as far as you know. There definitely is not a man in my studio wearing a black suit holding a cue card with these words written on it.
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If you see a giant lizard laying across the intersection at Chicago Blvd and Evans, just go around him. That’s Clancy and he’s had a long day, this is Vox and you’re listening to not really radio.
My increasingly cryptid conscious community is coming at me with all manner of reports on cryptid shenanigans in the area and I love it. One thing in particular that keeps coming up is what seems to be a just a normal dude out walking in the woods, wearing a giant rack of deer antlers. Is he a cryptid? I don’t know. Maybe he just really likes unique headgear.
Moving on ,one of the performers we’ll be enjoying at the Not Really Radio event on April 30th is Simon Suboski. But who is, Mr. Suboski? Well, I know he’s a man of many varied talents and interests, he’s also one of the most pleasant humans I’ve ever had the privilege of getting to know. I was able to steal a couple minutes of his time in a recent phone call to help quickly introduce him to you, my beloved listeners. Here’s the interview:
- Simon Suboski interview
What a man indeed! Chester Chase is something else, and you know what? Simon Suboski isn’t half bad himself! You’ll be able to hear and see him in person as one of our performers at the Not Really Radio Event on April 30th at 7pm across the street from the Tecumseh Golf Club. Until next time, this is Vox and you’ve been listening to Not Really Radio
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Chester Chase, a manly man who out manlies other men of the manly variety. I realize that sounds like I’m overselling, but you have to understand, this guy is on a whole other level. My name is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Today’s big news is about a Chester Chase sighting in our own little corner of the Mitten. For those of you who know Chase, he needs no introduction. For the rest of you though, rather than spend a lot of time trying to explain who or what Chester Chase is, I put the word out asking for Chester Chase sightings and boy did his worldwide fan club deliver! Here are a few eye witness accounts from the hundreds submitted - of Mr. Chase’s accomplishments, at least the ones not declared Top Secret. The list is as follows:
- Scot from Loch Ness wrote in: Chester Chase had a pet as a child, her name was Nessie, she lives in Scotland. There’s only ever been one photograph of her swimming in the Loch. Well, besides the one on Chester’s mantle at her graduation from flight school where he taught her how to pilot a U-2 spy plane.
- Buzz but not Lightyear from Montclair New Jersey writes: I was a part of the Appollo 11 mission. Chester Chase knows the recipe for Coca Cola, all 11 of the Colonel’s herbs and spices and the secret ingredient of the Crabby Paddy formula. You may wonder how that’s relevant. Well, he gave them the NASA back in 1969. It’s what we used for rocket fuel, and is the only reason we made it to the moon. I know what you’re thinking, there were no crabby paddies in 1969. But Chase also knows the phone number for the TARDIS. So that takes care of that.
- Socrates sent a tweet all the way from Greece. He says: A yeti who lived atop a mountain in the middle of Lake Michigan once insulted Chester Chase’s mom. Chase couldn’t leave such a slur unanswered but was unwilling to hurt the yeti. Instead he punched the mountain. It sank. Birds still fly around the place it used to be out of respect. That yeti learned his lesson, apologized and is now the vice-president of Atlantis, which - surprisingly - is on the bottom of Lake Michigan.
- And finally, someone who refers to himself as “ the Bruno, but not the one you’re thinking, we can totally talk about this Bruno “, says: Chester Chase had to fly two shuttles into space to stop an asteroid from destroying earth. I was an actor in the documentary they made about it. That documentary is called Armageddon. Everything in the documentary is true, the only difference is Chase did the whole thing alone. Hollywood added all the extra characters to make the documentary more believable.
Now, odds are, you’re super impressed, as well you should be. But there’s also a possibility you’re wondering: Hey Vox, why does any of this matter?
That’s a good question. Chester Chase is a bounty hunter who specializes in cryptids. And with things like talking fish in the news, that’s the kind of guy we want on the radar! And as providence would have it, Mr. Chase makes his home right here in Tecumseh!
And that’s what brings us to yesterday’s Chester Chase sighting, right here in our own hometown: Agatha, an employee at the secret McDonald’s here in Tecumseh emailed me late yesterday: Hey Vox, brand new listener, long time fan, just wanted to let you know I just saw Chester Chase eat Chuck Norris’ last french fry and live to tell the tale. What a man!
Thanks Agatha, and just so you know, I’m a long time fan of yours too!
Suffice it to say, Tecumseh. Chester Chase is pretty darn impressive and we’re looking forward to hearing one of his adventures at the Not Really Radio event at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm. Details can be found online at tecumsehcove.org/nrr
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I have an update on those talking fish from yesterday, it seems either our ambitious little Dr. Moreau has a potty mouth or fish are just generally unpleasant, This is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio
Hello Tecumseh, you have places to see and people to be and I’m not looking to slow you down, so here’s what’s happening.
Turns out, when you give a fish the ability to talk all they do is swear. Like… a lot. Also, they’re weirdly racist against turtles. Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t either, that is why I am going to play for you this recording from an anonymous source delivered late last night by an exhausted carrier pigeon. Fair warning, while Not Really Radio is of course family friendly and the following recording has been heavily censored, the content may be offensive to sensitive ears, just sayin’
^%$@&^%#(!*&)
I’ve heard that 17 times now and every time all I can say is: wow. I guess it just proves that old saying my grandpa taught me: Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, teach a fish to speak and it will tell you how it feels about that.
In other news I’ve been getting a lot of emails from people wondering what there is to do around Tecumseh. Well folks, the opportunities for entertainment in the area are many and varied, but my personal favorite Is Not Really Radio, an evening of comedy and music at Covenant Church right here in Tecumseh over by the golf course.
This recommendation has led to a question that has come up in various forms, so I figured, let’s answer that now. People are saying to me: I don’t attend Covenant Church, are you going to try to baptize me or something if I show up for this event?
That’s a fair question. The short answer is no. The slightly longer answer is nooooooo.
The truth is, we’re putting this event together to have a night of laughs and live music, no strings, no pressure, no preaching, just come enjoy an evening out of the house without having to worry about.. whatever it is you usually worry about.
Unless you worry about ninjas. In which case, you should definitely be worried, because I’m absolutely inviting every single ninja I know. See you April 30th! Check out tecumsehcove.org/nrr for more details.
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Have you guys heard about these talking fish that may be flooding the red mill pond soon? This is Vox, the voice of Not Really Radio coming at you from the thriving metropolis of Tecumseh, right here in the southernmost portion of America’s hi-5.
A question I’ve been getting asked a lot is “Vox, what is this Not Really Radio event taking place at Covenant Church on Saturday, April 30th at 7pm?”
Before we get into that, rumor has it there’s some kind of nutty scientist out there who decided fish need to talk. I don’t want to go too far down this road, because speculation is best left to wiser heads than mine, but I can’t help but wonder how this came about. Did this guy just wake up one day and say to himself: Fish are far too quiet, let’s fix that! I don’t know Tecumseh, I’ve watched enough David Attenboruogh trials of life documentaries to think if fish could talk we wouldn’t want to here what they have to say. Back to the question on everyone’s minds, What is Not Really Radio?
I’m glad you asked, Not Really Radio is a live event that consists of comedy and music done in a format based extremely loosely on old time radio shows. If you’re familiar with The Thrilling Adventure Hour or Prairie Home Companion, that might give you an idea of what to expect. We’ll have live actors reading their parts on stage, a bunch of made up news reports and a few non-existent sponsors. There might also be ninjas. Although if they were good ninjas you’d never know. So I’m going to go ahead and say there will definitely be ninjas because my ninja friends are top notch and just like I told my therapist in yesterday’s session “you cannot prove they’re not there.”
Anyway, I’ll be hanging out with you all month on the daily exploring the fascinating secret world of Tecumseh MI and hopefully eventually see you April 30th at 7pm at Covenant church. Visit tecumsehcove.org/nrr for more details.
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Thank you to every American who has given their last full measure of devotion to protect the freedom of myself and my family.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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Chapter 2 of The Adventures of Little Miss Adeline Geneva Grace
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For a potato who doesn't drive, Jump has a lot to say about road signs and the habits of motorists.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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Roam Bogie talks about spider life preservers, Wind Dancer Trail, Tik Tok, talking fish, and cats
Benjaminjnichols.com
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Lincoln Cyphers is back with a dated Public Service Announcement from early in Donald Trump's presidency.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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This is a story about trolls and a stupid witch named Rasputa.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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A new Christian visits his armorer.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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A children's story, ostensibly for bedtime, but maybe it's too epically awesome to be read at bedtime?
Benjaminjnichols.com
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This is Chapter 1 of the Adventure of Little Miss Adeline Geneva Grace. You can purchase this book here.
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A song I wrote for my mom that can be applied probably to a lot of great moms. If you'd like to download the sheet music, or an mp3 or the song or an mp3 of the backtrack visit benjaminjnichols.com
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This is the prologue to a book I wrote when my daughter was born. You can find the book on amazon here.
Benjaminjnichols.com
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Worlds collide when Lincoln Cyphers and Roam Bogie carpool. There's a crab, cancer rays, an airport, and outdated slang. Yup, yup, yup. Benjaminjnichols.com
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Five more delightful tales to entertain and prompt merriment from the one and only Roam Bogie.
- Booped His Nose
- Walmart
- Shelly
- Wells
- Dentist
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Benjamin J Nichols #Roam Bogie #roambogie #comedy #funny
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Sometimes it's good to slow down and dwell on the words to songs you've sung your whole life. I did that with this old hymn and the result is longer than my usual episode, but I think it's worth the listen.
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Benjamin J Nichols #essays #Great is Thy Faithfulness #hymns #gospel #good news #Jesus Christ #Christianity
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One of the best tools for communicating is taking the responsibility to understand the other person before trying to make them understand you.
Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #To the Kids #Advice #Inspiration
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If nothing is greater than God, then nothing must be something worth finding. Right? Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #Christianity
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A lullaby written for my eldest boy, but sung to all my children.
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Benjamin J Nichols #lullaby #music #song
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A crack-me-up commentary by our Common Tater: Jump Toastiota. He will take us line by line through the Eagles' song Desperado.
Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #Jump Toastiota #Commontater #Desperado
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What might the story of Lazarus look like from his own perspective? What if it was today instead of two thousand years ago?
Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #Christianity #Jesus #Lazarus #Story
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Another Public Service Announcement from our favorite conspiracy nut, Lincoln Cyphers. Beware of Oxygen.
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Benjamin J Nichols #PSA Guy #Lincoln Cyphers #Oxygen
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Edward Mote wrote the words to this song 143 years before I was born. I gave it some shiny new music and feel like it's pretty great. Let me know what you think. If you would like to download a copy of the sheet music, you can do so for free by clicking here.
benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #songs #original music #Solid Rock
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In the style of Mad Libs I desecrate the beautiful New York State of Mind by Billy Joel and throw lobsters at it.
benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #Song Libs #New York State of Mind #Billy Joel #I'm so sorry I shouldn't be allowed near a microphone
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You know what's normal? Encountering a deer on the road. You know what's not normal? Encountering deer involved in military action and driving tanks. That's not normal. Roam Bogie has more.
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Benjamin J Nichols #Roam Bogie #deer #militant deer
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An open letter to Non-Christians about Christians.
Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #essay #Christianity
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Everything you need to know about genies, dandelions and children who are the fulfillment of wishes.
Benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #story #dandelions #wishes #magic #pretend #fun
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Ever wonder what a conversation between a Surly Dove Goldsmith and a conveniently well-supplied purveyor of oddities and essentials might sound like? Wonder no more!
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Our favorite conspiracy theorist (Lincoln Cyphers the PSA Guy) is at it again teaching us all we need to know about vampires and the ozone layer. Apparently just heave a rock at it. Don't be creeped out by my tag on this one, my little girl was sleeping!
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Benjamin J Nichols #PSA Guy #Lincoln Cyphers #Ozone #Vampires
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Roam Bogie and his best friend Buford have a lot of adventures. Here's 5 of them. Don't worry, they're short.
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It was late, I was tired, I needed to think about something besides work. My wife is the best.
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Benjamin J Nichols #silly #comedy #funny #wife
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If I had only one prayer I could pray it would be for my family and myself to get to know God
benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #Christianity #Inspirational
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Lincoln Cyphers recently watched a documentary called Jurassic Park and has some things to say.
benjaminjnichols.com
Benjamin J Nichols #funny #PSAguy #Lincoln Cyphers #comedy #Jurassic Park
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Ever done Mad Libs? Fun right? I thought I'd give it a shot with a song. I got ahold of my good pal Clayton Riptide and had him select the song and fill in the blanks. I then put it together into a glorious collision of weirdness and Jason Mraz.
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Benjamin J Nichols #funny #madlibs #comedy
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A song from a daddy to his little girl whom he hasn't yet met.
LYRICS:
My finger in a tiny fist
Sleepy face I can't resist
You're the answer to a thousand whispered prayers
At last I'm finally holding you
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
Just to let you know your daddy's always there
I'm so pleased to meet
So excited to finally greet you
You're a brand new world
All wrapped up in a little girl
I love you Adeline
Pixie dust and painted wings
Nerf guns, games, and grassy jeans
I wonder what will occupy your mind
All I ask is take it slow
Love Jesus as you learn and grow
He will help us teach you to be good and kind
I'm so pleased to meet
So excited to finally greet you
What a joy for me
To get to know the girl you'll be
I love you Adeline
Welcome to our world precious baby girl
Our lives are sweetened by your presence, Adeline
For now it's good enough for me
To breathe you and watch you dream
Right now is where I want to spend my time
Your mom and I, and your brothers too
All thank God for the gift of you
Our precious baby girl, Adeline
I'm so pleased to meet
So excited to finally greet you
You're a brand new world
All wrapped up in a little girl
I love you Adeline
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Benjamin J Nichols #song #piano #original music #music #singer/songwriter
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Common Tater comments on Marvin K Mooney by Dr. Seuss and offers some additional ways for Marvin to take his leave. Ways that just make more sense. Or do they? Not for me to judge.
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Benjamin J Nichols #commentary #Jump Toastiota #I'm just a potato #Dr Seuss #Marvin K Mooney #comedy #funny
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A couple things are apparent here:
- Never trust an idiot with an idea and a microphone
- Driving with the windows down is a terrible time to record
Regardless, Lincoln Cyphers (the PSA guy), is plenty entertaining. Listen to his important public service announcement concerning carbon and his plan for getting rid of it.
Benjamin J Nichols #PSA guy #Lincoln Cyphers #funny #comedy #carbon
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You can't control other people. You can control you. You can choose to be the one who is different, who is better. Be the one.
Benjamin J Nichols #Inspirational #to the kids
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I put a call out on Facebook for a song topic. I received two immediate replies: omelets and shoelaces.
45 minutes later I'd penned this masterpiece. I had no idea it was to have such a possible message. Who knew?
LYRICS:
Start with eggs
I'll use three A bit of ham and a mess of cheese
Throw in a pan turn up the heat
Holy crap it resembles me
It starts as a mess not nice to see
But as it cooks it’s consistency
Begins to firm ceasing to be
So wishy-washy and ugly
A yellow cloud light and fluffy
Has filled the pan with aromas a plenty
Ham and cheese a feast of kings
What glory a little fire brings
Onto a plate then to the table
But we’re not done with this silly fable
Catch the point if you’re able
What once was fluid now is stable
Much like eggs we can break and yet
That’s when we’re most valuable
Are you starting to get the point
You’ll find it I bet
If you’re broken by life there’s no need to fret
You’re perfectly poised to become
a Delicious and nutritious and satisfying omelet
Tie your shoes
(C) 2020 Benjamin J Nichols
Benjamin J Nichols #music #omelets #shoelaces #funny #inspirational #original music
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