One Reflection: Recent Episodes
Bryan Millstein
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
As the room erupted with cheer, I sat in silence watching from the back row. I couldn’t bring myself to clap for a presentation that, while impressive, hit me like a punch to the gut. I should have been the one up there receiving praise. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me and my very essence had been plagiarized.
Despite feeling empty and unappreciated, that day was a cause for celebration. After all, it was my accomplishment they were clapping for. I may not have been presenting but it was my hard work that was being showcased. This was the validation I had been chasing the entire year. Finally, I didn’t feel crazy.
When I first presented my idea I did not realize it would turn into a crusade that consumed me. It seemed so obvious to me at the time and I couldn’t imagine it taking much effort to help others see what I saw. Looking back, my thinking was naive and that led to a sloppy drawn out courtship. I would have to learn the hard way.
I was a software engineer at a new startup and just joined the team focused on internal tools. After a couple weeks I noticed a pattern that concerned me. The software we were building was entirely focused on enhancing the capabilities of our third party CRM. When I dug deeper I realized that the CRM lacked the most basic functionality our business required.
In a previous chapter of my career I had done sales for a couple startups. I had been exposed to the different CRMs available and knew what functionality should be provided out of the box. The tool my current company was using came up short in every way. I began suggesting we switch to a best-in-class CRM that I had used previously. It was a “no brainer”, I explained. I would later regret the arrogance of that attitude.
Surprisingly, I couldn’t get a single person to entertain the possibility of making a switch. I made presentations, developed a compelling ROI case and highlighted the long list of impressive companies who had made the choice I was advocating for. Still, the mere mention of the CRM name led to eyes rolling and an immediate dismissal. My case was solid but no one would give me the time of day. I was missing something.
I went on this way far longer than I’m proud to admit. The universal and consistent rejection of my approach should have been a signal that I needed to make an adjustment. Instead, I doubled down and continued with a forceful push.
Eventually, I began to listen to the quiet voice in the back of my mind telling me to stop and reset. I had been entirely focused on the quantitative component of my pitch and had not even considered other factors. I reflected on the prior months of interactions and finally realized what I was missing.
This was not about tools. This was about people.
The CRM selection process that occurred before I joined had a controversial reputation around the company. It was rushed, lacked careful due diligence and resulted in an unusually long contract length with unfavorable pricing. We were locked in and no one was happy about it. The problem was that the person who made the decision was a senior executive still with the company. No one wanted to acknowledge the mistake that individual had made.
Now understanding the political dynamics at play, I changed my strategy. I softened my approach and became more sensitive to the people who may be negatively impacted by the change I was suggesting. I began gaining support one person at a time by considering what might motivate that individual and focusing on how this change would help them.
Gradually, the attitude across the company began to shift from dismissal to consideration and eventually, to broad support. An extraordinary moment during this process was when the very executive, whom I was told would never support this change, sat at a board meeting enthusiastically explaining the benefits of our new CRM. We had come full circle and it was my more considered approach that helped us make the journey.
Lessons Learned:
People do not make decisions based on numbers. They make decisions based on feelings.
Protecting the ego is a powerful driver of behavior and will affect people at every level.
When an approach fails repeatedly, a shift in perspective may be required to understand what is going wrong.
I learned the hard way that a sound quantitative based argument may be no match for overcoming feelings based decision making. Even so, we should not abandon telling stories with numbers as ultimately they will be our most objective ally. Instead, we should consider the lens through which individuals will view these numbers and make sure to acknowledge that their feelings are important too.
The next time you are building a case for something consider the non-obvious secondary factors that will go into the decision making process. You may discover that those considerations are actually the most important.
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
She leaned across the desk and said,
“I want you to tell me the truth. Don’t sugarcoat it.”
Oh the things I could tell her. But she has only just arrived and I don’t know her motives. Will she turn them against me? Does she think I am part of the problem? Is the kind woman with the photos of children on her desk trying to trap me?
I went with my gut that day and told her everything on my mind. It was risky to share so much with a person whom I just met and one whom wielded complete control of my destiny. The moment the words came out I immediately regretted the comments about her predecessor and the state of affairs she was walking in to. One rarely looks good when speaking poorly of others and I undoubtedly stumbled my way through the explanation.
I agonized for days following the meeting as I waited to see how the words I spoke would be used against me. My gut turned from a hopeful optimist to a screaming cynic incessantly reminding me of all the ways this could backfire. When you decide to trust someone and share information that puts you in a vulnerable position it can feel like you have placed your life in their hands. How do you decide who you can trust?
The little voice whispering from the shadows has always been one I’ve paid attention to. At various points in my life I have called it by different names: following my heart, listening to my gut, trusting my intuition, relying on my instincts. These descriptions are different flavors of the same internal force that drives much of my decision making. This has been an especially helpful guide in moments where I am analyzing a person and attempting to determine if they are a danger to me.
In this particular case of character assessment I appeared to have made the right decision. Several weeks had passed from our initial meeting and the devastating blow looming over me never came. In fact, my early honesty seemed to have landed me in good favor with the woman who had since been elevated into a powerful position within the company. By communicating my displeasure with the previous leadership I suspect I came across as a potential ally that could help her become more popular with the remaining legacy team.
If my gut had steered me in the right direction that first day then why was I still unable to shake the uneasy feeling that all was not well? This woman had an admirable character and strong moral compass therefore she was deserving of my trust. Unfortunately, I was operating on too short of a time horizon and the day I feared would come well after I became so comfortable that it took me by complete surprise. It wasn’t until years later that I realize the mistake I made during that initial assessment.
I evaluated the person independent of her situation.
Was this woman a good person who treated people fairly? Yes, I saw repeated occurrences of this. But she also had competing priorities that were constantly changing and that I couldn’t possibly be aware of. She had a family to support and an executive leadership team constantly pressing her for more. When the stars aligned for her to capitalize on an important opportunity it did not matter that I was in the way.
It would be insincere for me to present her as being ruthless or claim that her later actions betrayed my initial view of her strong character. Instead, I appreciate that she was simply operating within a system. A system that has rules. A system that has winners and losers. I wouldn’t fault a single person for choosing the path she decided to follow. It was not personal and if she could I suspect she would have treated me differently.
Lessons learned:
It is important to differentiate between the person and the system they are operating in when deciding whether or not to trust someone you work with.
Evaluating a person’s incentives is more predictive of their future behavior than their character.
At the end of the day, no one is more concerned with your career than you.
I began this post with the intention of convincing you that it is good to trust people and show you how to do it. The truth is that trust is complicated and there is no procedure to follow that will guarantee you make the right decision every time.
However, it is important to find people you can trust because it is from a place of vulnerability that you will discover your best ideas. I caution you to be careful though in your assessment and make sure to consider the person’s environment beyond their character. Sometimes good people do bad things when they are backed up against a wall.
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The two young engineers trembled as the message appeared across their screens. They had never seen him lash out and it frightened them. Was he the person they thought he was all this time? Had he only now revealed his true colors? They couldn’t be sure but in that moment everything changed.
When a manager grants his direct reports a generous privilege it can be a shocking and devastating feeling to watch them take advantage of the kindness. A myriad of emotions will suddenly rush upon him as he finds himself mentally unprepared for what turns out to be a fairly typical behavior. Much as children will test the waters with their parents, a team will push the boundaries their leader imposes.
I was not prepared for this situation at the time and the consequences of my actions would cause lasting damage. Let’s start with the background context and where I went wrong.
I created a policy for my team that gave them a work from home flexibility no one else in the company had. It was controversial at the time because the executive team opposed it but I believed their position was ill-conceived and forged ahead without their blessing, albeit discreetly. This act of defiance, however, was not my mistake.
One morning two of my direct reports violated the policy. I was outraged for a few reasons:
Their cavalier attitude left me feeling disrespected.
They were setting a bad example for the rest of the team.
I had carefully constructed the policy to protect us from being exposed to the wrath of the executive leadership. They were jeopardizing the privilege for the entire team.
That third point triggered my fear instinct and I felt the need to make an example out of the situation so as to dissuade similar attempts in the future. I acted swiftly and with a firm authoritative punishment. While at the time I believed my reaction was necessary and justified, as I look back I can admit that I overreacted.
This regrettable behavior, however, was not my mistake. The error occurred beforehand and has only recently become apparent. There are three levels of exploration I’ve had to dig my way through in order to isolate the true culprit of what triggered me that day.
The first step was recognizing that I felt disrespected and in turn became angry.
Next, I realized that the stronger emotion I was responding to was fear. Fear that the actions of my subordinates would get me into trouble with my superiors.
Finally, after much reflection, I realized the true source of the fear was deeper.
Their behavior made me feel like they did not care about me.
This was the initial trigger that set me down a path of self doubt that ended with a confused emotional reaction. If you’ve read my previous article about Impostor Syndrome you can probably put the pieces together and understand the origin of my insecurity. I made a few mistakes that day but the most severe would only come to my attention several months later when one of the engineers candidly explained it to me.
They looked up to me as their leader and I let them down. In attempting to command their respect I revealed my insecurities and showed them that I did not know the way.
I inflicted damage on the relationships with my direct reports that day. I never apologized and therefore I can’t imagine they ever forgave me. Perhaps they shrugged it or off or gave me the benefit of the doubt but in any case, I lost a portion of their respect that day.
Lessons learned:
Anger is usually a signal of a deeper problem. For me it was the fear of being undervalued and disliked.
Forcing someone to follow your instructions does not mean they respect you.
As a leader, you cannot lose your cool. Even when things go wrong, and your anger is justified, you have to keep it together.
This post is dedicated to the young engineer who was courageous enough to explain to me where I went wrong and the damage it caused. I have been inspired since that day to be a better leader and treat the people around me with greater respect. I will likely make the mistake again of projecting my fears on others but I hope to catch myself in the act and remedy the situation immediately.
If you are a leader of people and ever find yourself angered by their behavior I hope that you are reminded of this story. Consider examining your emotional response to see what insecurity they may have triggered. If you are lucky, you may expose the culprit and compose yourself before lashing out in a regrettable way. Best of luck!
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
I refused to accept their decision. Had they completely lost their minds? I was certain that they made a mistake even if they were unable to see it. How could I let them proceed down this reckless path while the obvious choice stood right before them?
A unique form of impostor syndrome is when you stand out as the only voice of doubt in a crowd of encouragement. Often times you will find yourself reinforcing the negative thoughts of others so this experience may feel backwards. Suddenly you are fighting consensus as opposed to following the path of least resistance. Of all my struggles with impostor syndrome, this event was the most difficult to overcome.
They called me on the last day of the interviews to see if I was interested in the job. I viewed it as a formality and assumed I had no chance of impressing them enough to overlook my lack of experience. When a company conducts an internal search to fill a position they are often required to interview a certain number of candidates before making a decision. I was simply helping them achieve a quota.
In reality, they had happily interviewed every person that expressed interest in the position. They reasonably assumed I was not in that motivated group as I had intentionally missed the application window. It only dawned on them in the later stages of the process that my name had never come up so they decided to ask me directly.
Still, I assumed they were simply being charitable and would not give my interview serious consideration. This was the first mistake I made.
I refused to believe I had a legitimate chance because of a story I made up. I crafted a picture of the ideal candidate in my head and quickly disregarded myself after identifying several gaps.
Much to my shock, a couple days later I received an offer. I even surprised them, they explained. I was less qualified than others but my interview was the most compelling and I immediately became the clear favorite. I was in disbelief because one candidate in particular seemed like the obvious choice to me.
I urged them to reconsider. This other person was the better candidate, I explained. They had more experience and the whole company had been rooting for them from the start. I could not steal this from them. It was not mine to take. I was overwhelmed with guilt and then I made my second mistake.
I disregarded the opinions of others because they did not fit within my predetermined mental model.
I went to the other candidate and told him I would refuse the job. I begged him to walk with me into that office so we could tell them together. He had been cheated by poor judgment but there was still time to fix the mistake. For the third time, I found myself stunned when my offer was rejected. I was the best candidate for the job, he said. I had proven that and he would not stand in my way.
I could not shake the guilt but ultimately took the job because everyone urged me to do so. It was a rare moment when I had to disregard my own instincts and go with the wisdom of the crowd. I’m glad I did because I loved that job and was damn good at it.
Lessons learned:
Sometimes other people will be a better judge of your ability than you.
You can miss opportunities by refusing to accept this possibility.
When the only person doubting you is yourself you should listen to the crowd.
We are our own harshest critics and our voice is the loudest. This can be helpful but it is important to recognize that your opinion is one of many. Do not become too attached to your initial perspective that you shut yourself off from other possibilities. It is especially important to be skeptical of an inner voice telling you “no” when the outside world is cheering you on.
The next time someone offers you encouragement consider believing them regardless of how incorrect you think they may be. Challenge yourself to quiet the internal voice and give the other person the opportunity to convince you to change your mind. There will be plenty of times when the crowd tells you that you can’t do something. In the rare event that they flip their narrative you should get out of your own way and trust that they may know better.
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The hour hand on my watch confirmed what my gut had been warning of. While I was trapped in an inconsequential meeting, that took us in circles, I witnessed the office clear out for the day. By the time I made my way down the elevator I could feel a crushing weight pulling my shoulders towards the floor. As I walked the busy streets packed with rush hour traffic I swayed and nearly stumbled into an oncoming vehicle. My mind disconnected from my body leaving me in autopilot for the remainder of the journey home.
When you work for an early stage technology startup it is not uncommon to stay at the office late into the evening. There is always too much work and not enough time to get everything done. I was used to this pattern and didn’t find it to be problematic. In fact, I took pride in having a job that required so much of me. It made me feel important and valuable.
There was something different about this particular night. The physiological response I experienced was uncharacteristic and it frightened me. A more familiar reaction would have been anger and possibly losing my temper. Yet, my blood felt cool and my heartbeat remained steady. There was no spike in adrenaline or rush of fury. Instead, I entered into a subdued, almost apathetic, state of mind.
There are two remarkable components of my reaction that are worth exploring. First, why was I triggered at all by this seemingly common occurrence? Second, what could explain my atypical emotional response?
There is an obvious but incorrect answer to the first question. This particular evening happened to be my birthday and the late meeting at the office jeopardized my dinner plans. Anger is a reasonable and expected reaction to this but that is not what occurred.
My unusual response signaled a deeper shift in my state of mind. Had this been a random stress inducing event I would have experienced a temporary heightened emotional state and then returned to my normal baseline. The real issue was not that my birthday plans were ruined.
The issue was that I was burned out and this happened to be the event that broke me.
For several months leading up to this I had shrugged off similar occurrences because I did not believe they were negatively impacting me. The problem with this thinking is that it is actually correct in the short term but absolutely wrong long term. The instinct to disregard seemingly minor issues is a failure to recognize the impact they have over a long period of time. My mind was tired and it gave up.
Many of us live in a world that rarely loosens its grip on our self worth. We struggle to maintain a belief in ourselves that we are strong and worthy. This leads us to discount emotions that make us feel weak and reduce harmful events to inconsequential anomalies. We think or say things like:
It is no big deal.
I’m being silly.
I will get over it.
You are stronger than the minor disturbances that challenge your course but you should:
Start sweating the small stuff so they don’t turn into a monster.
Lessons learned:
The mind gets tired the same way any muscle does.
Small stressors will compound over time and eventually blow up.
Don’t wait for a fire to address an issue related to mental well being.
The very next time you feel stressed out or overwhelmed at work take the time to explore it regardless of how insignificant you think it may be. Write about it, vent to a friend or at the very least verbalize the emotion you are experiencing. It is crucial to acknowledge these tiny moments as they occur otherwise they will build up and, eventually, blow up.
Your feelings are valid and they do not make you weak.
Thank you for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The frozen bodies violently shook to life as the bearded man cast a spell upon them. Moments earlier I had put them to sleep with a speech that would have school children begging for a math lesson. It was uninspiring, indecisive and a far cry from the blistering energy of my opponent. No, I would not win my high school’s mock presidential election.
I failed that day but it was not in vain. An important lesson was a fine consolation prize as it served me for years to come whereas the title Mr. President would have been short lived. What is the mistake I made that day speaking to a crowd of seventeen year olds?
I was honest. I told them when I didn’t know.
They asked me to present my views on complex topics. They asked me how I would create policy to govern the entire country. They chose controversial issues and they wanted a firm stance. I could not give them one.
Truth be told, I did not feel comfortable assigning laws to millions of people in varying environments whom I would never meet. Instead of the rally cry my opponent delivered, my response was littered with “well that depends” and “I would work with local populations to decide”.
This experience shaped how I would later decide my positions on complex topics and present them. I saw how much easier it was for the crowd to support a firm position, even if they did not completely agree with it. They caught uncertainty in my recommendations and felt comforted by the person assuring them he had all the answers.
Throughout my career when picking a side or presenting a solution I have reminded myself to be the President they are looking for. "Certainty and confidence first and foremost”, I would tell myself. On the surface, this approach has served me well. I’ve repeatedly seen my ideas, and in turn myself, rise through many organizations. However, when I look a level deeper I find that I have been largely unsatisfied despite the success of my ideas.
The truth is that I have been lying to myself.
I sacrificed the authenticity of my opinion in order to present a more defensible position. I allowed myself to prioritize the adoption of my ideas over their intellectual honesty. I stopped admitting when I didn’t know.
The problem with solutions that claim to remove uncertainty is that they are a work of fiction. Uncertainty is unavoidable and the person claiming to have conquered it is not someone you should rally behind. It is someone you should look upon with skeptical eyes and question their motives. Are they being genuine or are their words carefully crafted with the sole purpose of getting your support?
I may have lost the presidential debate but the real damage came in the years that followed. I have repeatedly made two mistakes that I wish I could go back and instruct my younger self to avoid.
I favored support of my ideas over authenticity.
I assumed that widely supported ideas must be good.
This is truly a subtle discovery because on the surface the ideas I presented were my own and in fact ones I believed in. They simply were not as authentic as they could have been. I didn’t have the courage to say when I didn’t know. The real kicker is that as I have shed this fear in recent years and shifted my focus away from gaining support, the quality of my ideas has greatly improved.
Lessons Learned:
You shouldn’t be pressured into adopting a position on a topic based on how easy it is to defend.
You will be more satisfied long term when your stated opinions match your true feelings.
A strong universal position is tempting but the better long term choice is a nuanced position that considers context.
Somewhere deep down I could feel the inauthenticity and that gave me anxiety. I was not being true to myself and therefore I was a stranger. Don’t get forced into someone else’s box. It may work for a while but it’s not you and that will hold you back from realizing your true potential.
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
You could not cut the tension with a knife without snapping the blade and twisting your wrist. It sucked the air out of the room and left the spectators scrambling to breathe. The arrogant CEO sat frozen with an unfamiliar look of humiliation covering his face. The audacity of this ungrateful, unappreciative and unbelievable little runt was unforgivable. When the shock faded did he really think he would get away with this?
When a CEO questions your underperformance during a staff meeting you should pause to consider whether that is the appropriate time to deliver a harsh truth. Unfortunately, I had not given the consequences of my response much consideration before blurting out what I realize now was a disrespectful answer to a reasonable question. “Lack of motivation” is all I could say when asked why I had posted such disappointing numbers in the prior week.
The truth is that I failed on purpose. I knew exactly what would get his attention and I was looking for a confrontation. In the weeks leading up to this meeting I felt abandoned, forgotten and hopeless. They had given me no resources, no guidance and still managed to set unrealistic expectations for what I should be able to achieve. Have you ever felt like the game was rigged and you were being set up to fail?
I had convinced myself that I was completely justified in my anger and therefore had a responsibility to give them a piece of my mind. They treated me unfairly and deserved to feel the pain I was feeling. This was my mistake.
Just because my anger was justified doesn’t mean acting on it was.
I treated the two as one and the same when in fact they required separate consideration. Was my anger valid? It sure was. They had failed me and the emotional response within me made complete sense. Was my reaction valid? The answer to that question is not as important as the recognition that it needs to be asked. There needs to be a moment given to the consideration of acting on the anger before it is acted on.
Lessons learned:
Anger is valid but using it to justify actions is not.
My mind will conflate valid emotion with valid action.
I need to take a moment to consider the validity of my intended action separate from my emotion.
As much as I wanted to believe that my outburst in the conference room was for them, it wasn’t. It was for me. I was feeling pain and wanted to transfer that to them. However, like hurling an insult at a loved one during a fight the relief is temporary and the regret long lasting.
I look back at myself in that moment and wish I had chosen another path. I am embarrassed by my behavior and saddened to think that all I accomplished was making other people feel bad. It is not the words I spoke that trouble me the most. It is the attitude and intention I carried that day. I wanted to hurt them.
However, I don’t regret it. It would be dishonest to scoff at my younger self and claim that taking the higher road would have been easy. I did my best in the moment with the knowledge I had. Thankfully, today I have more knowledge. That experience now serves as a tool for enabling me to behave in ways that will make my future self proud.
The most important thing for me to remember is that I need to take a moment between being angry and lashing out to consider the consequences and if the short term gratification is worth it. This has also led me to more closely examine the motivation for my actions in moments where I am upset.
When I catch myself planning an action that I justify because someone has upset me I am usually wrong.
It’s important to note that feelings are always valid. The actions in response to them are what I’d like us to all spend more time contemplating.
I’ll leave you with a brief exercise. Can you recall a time when your emotion was valid but the way you acted on it was not? How did that work out for you? What might you have done differently to create a better long term outcome?
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
The blood boiled beneath my skin and I could feel heat radiating from my cheeks. Irritation graduated to blistering anger as the final strand of patience slipped from my weakly held grip. I screamed into the empty room and immediately felt relieved that no one had witnessed my childish outburst.
You may be surprised to learn that the trigger for this reaction was a colleague asking for the status of a task I was working on. Why would such an innocuous and common question invoke an emotional escalation that I could not control? What made me so angry and how could I make it stop?
Being asked for status updates is a regular occurrence for a software developer. The inquiring mind is doing so because they too have to answer to someone. There is a party upstream requesting this information and I, being the holder of the status, am simply one in a chain of many. Yet, I have often found it impossible to avoid the fury this natural flow of information causes me.
I spent years rationalizing my frustration while looking in all the wrong places for the true explanation.
I blamed the other person. “They are impatient”, I told myself.
I blamed the process. “Ad hoc status updates should never happen. There should be a designated time and place for these discussions.”
I blamed the interruption. “How can they expect me to get my work done when they keep breaking my focus!”
I blamed everything I could see while the real culprit lay hidden.
A few weeks ago I made a discovery that changed everything. I had been speaking ad nauseam to people about my frustration around status updates. Some could relate but many could not understand what was so upsetting to me. I could not blame them for I didn’t quite understand it myself. I knew I was upset but I was not convinced that my previous explanations told the whole story. What was I missing?
After a few days of reflection, and replaying the countless times I’ve experienced this over the years, something new struck me. The anger was a reaction to a prior emotional state; anxiety. I realized that being asked for status updates triggered my body’s natural response to sudden stress. A series of self doubting questions quickly piled up in my mind.
“Do they think I’m too slow? Am I too slow?”
“Will I disappoint them?”
“Are they going to make an unreasonable change to the deadline?”
Lessons Learned:
Anxiety is often hidden by louder emotions.
If you look beyond the anger you may find the trigger.
Once you found the trigger you can change your environment.
Changing my environment to better respond to these triggers involves two steps.
Be mindful of what is driving my reaction. Am I really angry with this other person or is this my body’s natural response to stress? Answering this question helps me identify the real problem and focus on addressing that. I can then look towards reducing the stress rather than starting a fight.
Once I understand my triggers it is important to be vulnerable with those around me. It is uncomfortable to expose myself in this way but it will lead to others sharing and better overall communication. If people understand my triggers they can be more sensitive in their approach.
The second of these steps is the harder of the two and not always feasible. Being more mindful and purposeful in our reactions is something we can all do. However, being vulnerable in a professional environment requires a safe space to share and we may not always have that luxury. For now, I suggest focusing on what you can control; identifying and responding to the underlying emotion.
Anxiety can often be drowned out by a louder emotion. This prevents us from dealing with the root cause of our stress. The next time you are feeling angry or pissed off consider looking beneath the surface to see if there is a prior emotion fueling that rage.
Have you discovered hidden anxiety that was masked by something else? If so, we’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Thanks for reading :)
Bryan
If you enjoyed this post please share it widely and make sure you subscribe to get my next article.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
Listen now | I stood at the center of an angry mob.
Subscribe at bryanmillstein.substack.com
This article is part of a series exploring human emotion at work. If you are new here you can read about the motivation for the series by following this link.
A look of suspicion emerged on his face as I excused myself to the bathroom for the third time in under an hour. As I frantically typed the unfamiliar terms into my phone a cloud of shame drew over me. Why did he hire me? I don’t know anything. Surely he will realize his mistake and fire me before I get through my first day.
It has been ten years since my days of google searches in the bathroom but I haven’t been able to escape that little voice telling me I don’t belong. Hurling accusations of being unqualified, underprepared and unimpressive - this voice is my own. Where did it come from? Who gave it permission to control me? Why is it so mean?
The self doubt and discouragement in my mind on that day is my version of impostor syndrome. This is a term that comes up in nearly every conversation I have with people about job related anxiety. Your impostor syndrome may look different from mine but we all experience a form of self doubt.
As you read the following story think about how my experience mirrors your own and what you can take away from my process. The steps I lay out are meant to provide you with the context for my personal journey but you may decide to adopt them for your own self exploration.
Step 1: I brought to mind a memory of a time I experienced impostor syndrome. I chose to avoid traumatic memories and selected one that required little effort to summon.
Recall the opening passage with the scared young man retreating to the bathroom. The memory gives me chills and the thought of returning to that dark place makes me nervous. Why has this particular moment stuck with me for so long? What might I learn by reliving it?
“I don’t know anything”
This thought echoed in my mind that day like a chorus chanting inside of me. A chorus that has often visited me since in moments of self doubt. A chorus happily reminding me that I am surrounded by people smarter and more talented than I could ever be. A powerful and booming voice that demands my attention.
Step 2: I replayed the experience with as much detail as possible. I did this a few times as if I was watching a short clip of a film on repeat. I tried to be objective and to see all that was there.
My mind takes me back to that day and I see myself frozen, unable to answer his questions. I see his judging eyes once more as I pull away from the desk. We are in a front room with large windows that allow the sun to pour in. The color of the walls are white and the carpet below my feet is gray. I am now in the bathroom and it reminds me of one I may find in a doctor’s office. Sterile and cold; I find myself shivering as I think about it.
Step 3: As I came to the moment where self doubt was highest, I looked beyond the surface to see if there was anything that may have escaped my first glance.
“I don’t know anything”
As I reflect, I notice something peculiar. There is another voice speaking. Its tone is much softer and less forceful. There is a quiet confidence to its suggestive nature. It does not need volume to demonstrate its power.
“You don’t know anything. You are not good enough.”
Step 4: I braced myself. I just exposed something that has been hiding in a dark corner of my mind for many years. Processing this discovery may be bumpy and emotional.
Tears begin to slowly roll down my cheeks as I realize what has happened. It is not a chorus chanting but a conversation between two parties. The first begins by telling me I am not good enough. My voice then responds in the first person. The first voice then nods approvingly. It likes what it has heard. It looks like this.
First Voice: “You don’t know anything”
Second Voice: “I don’t know anything”
First Voice: “That’s right”
I know what you may be thinking; not one but two voices in his head. It certainly is not what I expected to find but there it is. A voice talking down to me that is not my own. It crept its way into my mind and convinced me that I created those thoughts. I realize now that their origin lies outside of me.
Step 5: I looked for the origin of the stranger’s voice that has infiltrated my thoughts. I noticed everything I could about that voice in that moment and then looked to the past to see where it came from.
An eerie feeling begins to make its way across my body. I believe I know where that voice came from but I am reluctant to shine a light on it. Giving it attention may strengthen its influence but I must confront it to move past it. A few deep breaths gives me the moment of courage I need to take the first step.
In the months before my second birthday I would spend days with a babysitter while my mother was at work. I do not have memories from this period but my mother tells me of a strange habit I developed around that time. I would walk around our house repeating the phrase,
“I’m a bad boy. I’m a bad boy. I’m a bad boy.”
We can never be certain of this but my mother is convinced that the babysitter put this thought into my head by repeating the phrase to me. As it so happens, this mental scar is not the only mark she left but that is a story for another time.
Step 6: I accepted my discovery.
It is my strong sense that it is the babysitter’s voice I have internalized. As much pain as it has caused I must admit that this voice has helped me. I grit my teeth with anger as I unwillingly express my gratitude. Without it I may not have become the man who writes these words today. A man I love and who I am proud of. This voice served me once but I no longer benefit from its relentless ridicule.
Step 7: I reframed the memory.
Let’s return to the young man in the bathroom but play out a different dialogue between the voices.
First Voice: “You don’t know anything”
Second Voice: “That’s not true. I don’t know everything but there is plenty I do know and more importantly opportunity for me to learn.”
Step 8: I identified the part of this exercise that will help me overcome future self doubt.
The key here is not controlling the first voice. It will be there no matter what. The transformation is in the reaction. You may or may not have voices in your head but there will always be voices pushing unsavory sentiment your way.
This voice may be your own, it may be your parents, your significant other, a manager or a colleague. You cannot eliminate this voice but you can change how you react to it. You can choose not to seek its validation. You can recognize that the message this voice is delivering may be a clumsy and misguided attempt at helping you. You can accept it and reframe it for your benefit.
Step 9: I took a moment to personalize impostor syndrome. Everyone has their own interpretation. What is mine?
For me, the difference between feeling like an impostor and not is whether I allow that first voice to influence the second. Whether I choose to believe that first voice and adopt its assessment as my own. It is entirely dependent on my reaction rather than external factors. It is not those around me making me feel like an impostor, it is an internal message and one I can now disregard.
Step 10: I shared my story.
This has been an uncomfortable and emotional discovery for me but I now feel that a weight has been lifted. I began with the belief that I think poorly of myself and therefore am undeserving. As I peeled back the layers I uncovered a past experience that has quietly influenced my thinking for decades.
However, my greatest realization has been that I have given this voice permission to control me. It is time to take back control. It is time to tell that little boy he is good enough and always has been.
I hope my story and exploration has helped you in some way. I encourage you to look for those voices hiding in the shadows and take back control. You can’t silence them but you can dismiss them. You can follow the steps I took or perhaps begin with the question,
Where do the negative thoughts in my head come from?
If you have something to add or share we would love to hear from you in the comment section below.
Thank you for reading :)
- Bryan
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Research on Impostor Syndrome:
The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic InterventionThe introduction of Impostor Phenomenon in 1978. The authors originally believed that women were uniquely affected by impostor syndrome.
Source: Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice Volume 15, #3, Fall 1978Author(s): Pauline Rose Clance & Suzanne Imes
The Impostor Phenomenon: Recent Research Findings Regarding Dynamics, Personality And Family Patterns And Their Implications For Treatment
A review of the original research on Impostor Phenomenon 15 years after the original publication.
Source: Psychotherapy Volume 30/Fall 1993/Number 3Author(s): Joe Langford & Pauline Rose Clance
The Impostor Phenomenon
This article reviews definitions and characteristics of trait Impostorism, some antecedents, such as personality and family achievement environment and psychological distress as a consequence of Impostorism.
Source: The Journal of Behavioral Science Author(s): Jaruwan Sakulku
The Clance IP (Impostor Phenomenon) Scale
This test tells you where you rank on the Impostor scale. I scored a 70 😬
Source: paulineroseclance.comAuthor(s): Pauline Rose Clance
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
A 2008 article describing how to recognize Impostor Syndrome and what can you do to mitigate its negative effects.
Source: Harvard Business ReviewAuthor(s): Gill Corkindale
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