Diary of a Widow: Recent Episodes
Kimberly Joy
I was a 29 year old mother of three who had spent eleven years with my love. I was widowed. This diary begins five years after his death. I hope I captured the memories of the journey. The lessons. The joy. The sadness. The humor. The faith. The hope.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
I have a strong testimony of paying tithing, blessings come. I am grateful to have the opportunity to pay my tithing and reap the blessing.
He crawled under his desk and cried when he couldn't take it anymore... and I... I yelled at the kids for no reason and freaked out on them over nothing.
can someone tell me WHY it is not mandatory, for those wishing to enter the profession of a school guidance counselor, to be educated on the grieving process?
Interesting: able to have thoughts, feelings, opinions that others care to hear. Or at least able to have an intelligent adult conversation.
The Widow of Zarephath was promised that her cruse of oil would not fail if she followed the prophet. I suppose I hope to bind the Lord in a similar manner. If He is not concerned that I am not too interesting, why should I be concerned?
Parenthood is difficult under any circumstances. May we each remember that as parents we are engaged in an eternal partnership with God.
Please tell me I didn't get stuck in a rut of bad behavior on my path that has become my new normal. I don't like it. I am also not sure where I will find the energy to change it.
Change is happening. All the pieces of my carefully put together puzzle have been thrown in the air and turned upside down. And yet, I have full confidence that when the pieces all settle back down, the picture of my life will be better than what I have now.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
If weed whacking is new to your chore list as a result of becoming a widow, note: don't weed-whack in flip flops, or shorts, or in the dark.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Don't forget the basics of living. Make your doctor, dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy, and any other appointments you should have. Time will go by too quickly and you will have enough other things to worry about, let alone your health if you don't take care of it.
As far as I have come, and as much as I have spent more and more time out of the clouds in the last year... things still happen... life still goes on that makes me feel like I am in a maze.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Be calm. Listen. Don’t fight your new life. You will find peace. Be calm.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Cut yourself and your kids some slack... and be prepared. No matter how much you think you will be fine. There are certain days on the calendar that you can't be fine no matter how hard you try.
All of our lives were altered. It makes me think a lot about the impact of one person. He impacted many and his passing changed lives. But, while we are living, each of us has the opportunity day by day to change lives, to impact people.
Despite what the Lord asks of us, we can be strong and of good courage and be assured that the Lord is with us and will never fail us.
I was this relationship... that makes me more honest and upfront regarding my intentions and how I feel.
God has planted me in places where I could grow. I am forever grateful for this opportunity to discover the whys in what I do.
When I was a teenager, dating helped me determine the qualities I wanted in a man I married. I think it makes sense that it would be the same as an adult. But, "centered and balanced?" It has been five years, I still don't feel like I am quite there yet!
For any mothers like me who play both mother and father, if Mother's Day was not perfect, start planning. Father's Day will be here soon. Yes, I expect to be honored then as well.
Watching the portrayal of that pain makes me remember what it was like... and how I felt... and reminds me of pain I had forgotten I suffered.
One of the perks of widowhood was deciding it was a great Mother's Day gift for me, and buying it.
My sweet precious little boy. Despite his mother's craziness, he still has confidence in me.
Did I mention I really want to go see a show? With my friend? Like an adult, who does something refined.
Thanks to my snowplow fairy, I have been able to survive another winter with minimal shoveling.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Think of everything you hate to do and sign up for any memberships that will get you out of doing it! i.e. AAA = no changing flat tires, no worries if you run out of gas, and someone else can come to jump your battery.
Crying... I just sat there crying. And I vowed to take better care of myself this year.
It is because I am widowed that every day my life is crazy, because once upon a time, there was someone who kept me balanced and sane.
I am not a very structured person in some areas. So, to be told the exact date and time that my garbage had to be on the curb, I found it highly inconvenient!
I have never been one to shy away from any type of media that addresses death. I embrace it. I think it is healing for the kids to be able to read or watch how another child handles the same trial they have been given. Isn't there something about feeling validated? That is in part why I speak this open diary, for all the widows out there who go through some of the same insanity, so they can be validated. Kids need that too. And books and movies are a great source. They also allow us to engage in some seriously healing conversations.
I knew I wasn't giving him back. He was as crazy and wild as the rest of us and he belonged right here with us.
As a widow, I miss my marriage. I miss the physical and emotional support my husband was to me. And this is in addition to missing the man. I guess for me the way I try to make up for this is to try and provide opportunities for others to go out to have regular date nights. Call me, I will babysit. Drop the kids off. It really does bring me joy to know I may be helping another couple fall more in love. Enable another couple to have the opportunity to enjoy each other. Time is precious. Don't waste it.
As I look back over the past five years and look at the outcomes of difficult decisions, I am grateful. Grateful that this has not been a journey I have walked alone. Grateful to my Savior for leading me, guiding me, and walking by me.
We are engaged in an important work and we need to be at work accomplishing those things of importance.
Do I show pure love to others? I need it from my Savior, but do I in turn show it to others, including my oldest son? Complete acceptance for who they are, despite what their shortcomings may be.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Be confident in being you. Because now you are not defined by the couple that you are, but only by you and who you are.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Realize that as much as you want a friend, you may not ever find a friend of the male assortment. Can men and women really be just friends?
Dallin Oaks was raised by a widowed mother who used her faith and his parents' temple marriage to make his departed father a daily presence in his life.
It took me years to be able to sing certain hymns in church without crying. Some days I still do. This is one of my new-found favorites. I feel the words when I sing them.
He was embarrassed, as as he had in the last couple of years when things were too much for him to deal with, he curled up in a ball and shut the world out.
There have been so many times in my life that I have found myself feeling so deeply the words portrayed in this hymn. In those moments, just as deeply, I have found the answer.
The errand of angels. Do they recognize the stress they relieve when they reach out in such significant ways?
Being ready to date has not been an issue in the past, but being ready to date someone like my husband is a whole other issue. That is something I don't know if I could date.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Accept the fact early on that you aren't going to be as effective playing mom and dad as you were when you were just playing mom. Things will happen.
Will they remember me as someone who was different when their dad was here than I was when he was gone? And will that difference be good or bad?
I don't know if I have the patience life demands for me to be a good mother. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Be patient with the development of patience. It will come. Have faith in your own unseen potential.
Sitting in a living room, with a full stomach from a delicious casserole and the best brownies ever, those moments were a gift that I will never forget! Tina, Kathy, and Linda amazing in their small acts of service to me.
I began to realize that within so many of us is something, something for which an anniversary comes and goes or a terrible burden they are facing daily while the world goes on like it is a normal day.
I want to use that perspective in facing my own trials. If I am faithful, my story will also end with a cry of thanksgiving.
"We just keep losing members of our family. First Dad, now my brother. It doesn't even feel like our family anymore." It broke my heart.
I just had to breathe deep and go by faith. I just had to be grateful for family that was there when I needed them most.
It felt as though life was spiraling. How do you personally have time to worry about anything other than surviving when your children are consuming your every thought? When the fear that what you feared the most seems to be exactly what is happening or at least your child is opening the door for it to happen. How do you make it all stop?
Life was not so simple when you were dating a widow with three children. A widow, I might add, that was losing control!
I was grateful to my Father in Heaven, for his divine intervention in giving me the nurse practitioner that day, not the doctor. For the nurse, that I had never met before, who cared enough to ask how the kids and I were doing. For a doctor, who cared, and for my son being open to healing.
We had made a step in the right direction.
The tears flowed again, but this time there was gratitude in those tears. For a loving Heavenly Father who reached out, who reminded me whom I need to be concerned with. Which is Him, my Savior Jesus Christ. If my works are pleasing to Him, despite what others may say, I can press onward with steadfast faith and leave the evil one behind.
I don't know that I thanked them enough. Both of my friends, for the service they offered as patient loving teachers to my child.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Learn to forgive because there will be many, even your closest friends, who will behave badly. People will say things that hurt your feelings. They will judge you. As a widow, you don't need the baggage. It gets far too heavy to carry. You have to let go or it could drown you.
I have learned that I cannot afford to not live the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest. Joseph B. Wirthlin stated, "The storms of the evil one can be stopped at the very entrance of our homes." That boundary is what I hope and pray for every day.
There is something wrong about being in a position where you want to help, but because of who you are, or what you are, feeling as though your presence would not be a lift to another's spirit.
This sends me to my bedroom to crawl under my covers and assume the fetal position until I am somehow brave enough to face my reality.
If you don't have a J, I hope you will find one here. I hope you can hear about my experiences and feel understood. Have your feelings validated. Sometimes, just knowing you aren't crazy is the greatest gift!
When your sisters try online dating to find you love.... don't assume the nieces and nephews are not paying attention.
I am so glad that ours was not a marriage that took his death or his absence for me to be grateful. I was grateful for him every day.
I felt I was thriving. I didn't even struggle. I just lifted it up there. Then I did a little victory dance.
At what point do people grow weary of me talking about Chris?
Just questions today... no answers... just questions...
The inventive side is from my husband.
The gene to fix things and make them work is from my husband.
The kids left alone with time on their hands, well, that has just become a norm around here.
How do you stop the insanity?
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Listen up. You can and will get messages from the other side.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Let your real friends, be a friend when you need a friend.
Wanted one tall good-looking man to be a husband and a caregiver.... don't delay, call today!
I believe there are times they are by our side, even if we can't see them, helping us on our journey.
Lesson Manual: How to be a Widow
When it comes to housekeeping, only fret if the kitchen or fridge starts to smell. Instead of worrying every day about what a mess the house is, rest in peace knowing you can clean it on Saturday, if you feel like it.
I think everyone was too shocked that I would say something like that and too uncomfortable to know what else to say. Sorry. But, you can't go leading her on to believe it will go away by drinking water.
Sometimes I think back and wonder if some psychologist would analyze that to mean I was running so I didn't have time to feel. Yes, those were the perks, but the reality is I had a good reason for every move!
I am starting to remember and little by little I am becoming a new me with the past and the present formed into one.
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Find happiness in the little things, like your accessories!
Maybe you get used to it, so the hurt isn't so raw. But it is still there, it has only changed.
I am not angry at him, because if I sit still and let my heart be still, I can feel him.
They would have had their uncles, but it would have ben in exchange for their mother. I decided not to go.
Helping the children cope with the grief of losing their father was one of the most difficult aspects...
After my husband passed and the funeral was over, the next step of picking a gravestone came.
There are some jobs I just do not want to assume. I just want him to do it. I guess there is only so much he can do from the other side.
It is one thing to expect proper behavior from your child in public under normal circumstances, but tell me, how do you expect it at his father's funeral?
As I stood in the hospital room when my husband lay on the verge of this life and the next, I was willing. I was willing to give him to my Father in Heaven. I was willing to let go. But I would be lying if I said I didn't wish. Wish that this was my test. That I had to be pushed just this far. That he was before me about to cross to the other side and I just needed to prove to the Lord that I would believe Him even unto death. That I would trust in Him. And then once I did, my husband would be healed. And much like Abraham and Isaac walked back down off that mountain, my husband and I could walk out of that hospital.
I walked into the hall and struggled to compose myself after watching my husband say goodbye to our children.
I gave the doctor my approval and returned to the room to talk to Chris. I told him they were going to start him on the morphine and that it would make him more comfortable... that it would slow his breathing... but to the point that eventually... He finished my sentence with "it will be over." I replied with a "yes." He said, "okay."
The chest tube they had put in continued to drain and drain. His intestines continued to be inactive.
This child is dealing with his father dying. And you are concerned that he is still able to use his imagination, as many his age do, to escape to a world of his own, and it's annoying YOU? He is not interrupting any other children or class time, just annoying YOU?
We were talking about various things. He stopped talking. Looked at me, and said, "You are a really good driver."
Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
Realize that raw fish will quickly turn to thousands of maggots if left outside in hot weather for more than one week. If this most inconvenient situation should happen - a blowtorch would be the easiest solution for ridding your patio of maggots.
There was a lot of disease. The wait to see Chris after surgery was much longer than expected.
The fact that his age was so close to Chris' was no coincidence as that was partially what drew him to the case. To think of a man with a family and the reality that his life may be over - inspired this doctor to give it a try.
I have a couple of friends with sick children. I cannot imagine the emotional turmoil that it must take as a mother - unable to take that pain away. My one friend's son is battling cancer and as I read her daily blogs regarding their trial, my heart is filled with such compassion; and I remember that my life is good. I also pray that she will feel, as we did, the comforting influence of the Holy Ghost. That they may, through the Atonement, have some of their pain and sorrow taken away. That they may feel their Savior's love. Those things allowed me to press forward with steadfastness every day. I pray it will sustain them as well.
He may have lost some hair, some weight, and during the surgery several internal 'pieces'... but, he never lost his sense of humor.
The schedule was to start chemotherapy and radiation on the first Monday in May. May 3, 2004.
An old man who may not have had the right shoes to be on a ladder and I was wondering if I had the right shoes for the job lying before me...
The events of those months changed me, my husband, our marriage, and eventually my entire life.
It was my oldest son's birthday... there were things to do... and now tears to be shed.
Our Heavenly Father knows us and loves us. If we open ourselves and our lives He will direct our paths for good.
If I am tired, it is still all mine to do. Every day is my day. If I take a day off, I have to work twice as hard the next day.
I did a lot of coming out of the clouds this year. Don't get me wrong, it is still hard. I am still tired. I still miss him. But, I am starting to find myself again.
Happily ever after when there will be no more sadness... is a blessing to be reaped later.
This is my diary. But, I write it in retrospect. Capturing the embers, and leaving the ashes.