papercrap: Recent Episodes
weedcideer
a full narration: https://medium.com/@weedcideer/a-heart-bigger-than-my-sanity-could-carry-f5a483a46098
hi everyone, it's been a veeeeerrry long time. and here i am back with a papercrap new ep. actually i've been writing quite a number in medium, and incase you want to read it you can go to my medium account. i also have the full script for this episode in this link https://medium.com/@weedcideer/aku-tidak-cantik-1fb163ea91bf thank you so much for reading the crap i wrote and listening to the crap i talk about! may the day treat you well <3 cheers! (●'◡'●)
discussion two of naked conversation: are you... unlovable?
let me know your thought after hearing this! feedback and comment would be very much appreciated! :)
in between talk and laughs
in between silence and tears
in between hi and bye
in between crossed and missed
in between acceptance and rejection
several monologues were flooded by your insecurities and anxieties
your depression, bad days, unable to eat, to move, to act human
several conversation were waved by people’s award and achievements
their good days, good trip, good food, good friends and their amazing family and partner
in the corner of your bed you curled up in small tiny shaped of hope
struggling to breath wishing for any crumbles of reason to go on
in the chair of the crowd you laughed in loud shaped as huge as your dream
easily to talk and seize the subject seen with no scuffles and no wrestles
you weren’t supposed to be in so much pain
you weren’t supposed to be in so much stain
you were supposed to battle
you were supposed to settle
you wonder why in between of your laugh and talk you have the urge to cry
you wonder why in between of your silence and tears you have the urge to chuckle
you wonder why is it so hard to construct a monologue of your best everything
you wonder why is it so hard to abandon the conversation of others everything
**in the last sentences, you conclude that
in the first step walking out of your grimmy bedroom**
in the last bite of your sluggish snack from last night
if you can bid your emotions
you can swallowed them
you know,
it's funny how human feels
that they are too good for this world
it's funny how human think
they don't deserve to get hurt
it's funny because
because they know
the caused of their pain
is caused by another human
in another word,
they also hurt others
in another word,
they also disappoint others
they also broke others
why it's funny?
because the pain only matters
when you're the one that's hurting
so you have to know
you're not as kind as you think that you are
when was the last time you let yourself loose in being sad?
let's talk about the validation of your sadness
they told us to be happy, just because happiness exists.
it isn't always about you they say. you have to be happy. be happy.
but, when you answer you have no reason to feel so, they yelled at you "you don't need one".
i will pretend that you did not just answer that. because that sounds like a whole joke to me.
because this is tiring, on the way we need to validate this emotion that we feel.
and that's all for what? for people to understand. they say.
Oh really now? they want to understand? and should I feel ecstatic for it?
because no one would understand the slicing emotion that stings deeply,
carved beautifully awful inside of you, creating a hole that you have no idea how was that even made in you.
so for no god damn reason, you sob in pain. for tears that have spilled down all the scars that you don't recognize.
and that's not even the worst part. the worst part is that after you're so worn out in being sad.
it doesn't relieve any pain in you,
it doesn't heal my scars in you.
it doesn't hand you any band-aid.
you still want to listen to this rant?
you still want to understand?
no. you don't.
because the next thing I know, you will ask
"why are you being so sad?"
tiring isn't it?!. what an actual crap.
you said I should be happy with no reason, and why,
why can't I be happy with no reason?
because you think it's awful isn't it?
to look this sad, SAD?
you don't like it don't you?
you don't want to understand don't you?
no. you don't.
and I'm not, I will not throw tantrum for you to understand this,
this huge madness called sadness. i'm okay for you to not understand this sadness. but can I ask another thing instead?
stop asking the reason of why am I being os overwhelmed over the fact that you remembered my birthday,
or maybe when I was crying over the old man that was passing bye happily with their grandsons,
stop asking the reason of me being dead silent over the crowd that full of laughter.
i just have it in me. and I don't need any trigger for me to feel this way.
because the bar space that left empty was never meant to be filled.
the cause was never meant to be solved.
it just. exist. in me.
i have it in me.
living awfully beautiful growing along with me.
so understand, that you don't need to understand me. but understand instead.
that i don't need to fit the certain bar, that i don't know which evil creature that made them for you, for me, for anyone
to be sad. to validate that my emotion exists, that your emotion exists, that my sadness exist, that your sadness exists.
that's just, rude. right? i think that's just painfully ironically rude.
because even if I've lived in the highest sky praised among all creatures, i will still own this emotion
to be sad.
being sad,
was supposed to be a free real estate for anyone to access.
but humans make it costly.
too costly,
that most people even said
they can't afford to be sad.
having question and answer, having emotions and feelings empty, being mad and furious. understanding acceptance and feeling unfair.
questions and answers, emotions and empty, being mad and furious.
I think human always ever hit this one button, starting from one question to lead with another one with tears spilling down, with fire burning up their soul. giving question that no one knows how to answer.
it starts with "why?"
it's always been why. why me?
"why do I have to get through this?"
yet, no one gives an answer.
or no answer could satisfy you.
so you begin to even madder. to whom you don't know.
you scream louder, to whom you don't know.
or you know, maybe you know.
it's always the closest one, getting the words that you didn't mean to hurt them.
but it did anyway. but you didn't know that.
or you pretend to not noticing that.
you still mad.
the raging emotion that you in you, craving for affection that no soul could offer.
your eyes start to blinded by the perfection that did not exist on earth.
you beg to have one.
things that did not exist.
you are mad, mad, mad, mad.
to god, to whoever you can in this universe, blaming even the smallest particle that you beg to differ
you don't want to be born as you.
"why it has to be me?"
no hides the answer, no one hides it from you.
no one lives to answer the question.
but one life to carry the question.
wandering here and there, pretending that maybe
in one beautiful day they will find the answer.
Acceptance
I don't even know what that word even supposed to mean. maybe no one knows.
but I guess, it start with you stop on being mad.
it isn't ugly. no emotions are ugly.
they are all beautiful,
but if it start ruining you, stop ruining yourself.
i also didn't know how, like how?
but, maybe with the song that makes your face swollen in the morning because you keep crying while listening it las night
or the movies where you wish you were live in it, or It could be the hugs that you've always rejected, thinking you don't deserve one.
stop being mad. please, stop being mad.
it's okay, that's okay.
it is what is is, no one knows
no one hides it from you
so please, be peace
make a peace
for yourself
you deserve it
because no one owns it, the things that you want
what was it again?
was it a lover? a family? a big castle?
or just a pretty face?
trust me, no one owns it.
but if you insist there are people who own it.
trust me. you don't want to exchange it with things you hold in your hands.
unfair, right?
i know, but did we have to act surprised here?
like, this is life.
no one is as capitalistic as life is. no companies are bigger than the life itself.
your clothes, your bed, your favorite song, you paid that.
even your emotion to be sad, to be mad, that was never for free.
you've always paid for it.
with things that you carry around, it could be bargaining with human,
with your mp3 player, with your favorite novel, with anything.
that's just life,
tricky and twisted.
unfair and sicked.