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Lately, adult stress around separation anxiety with young children has come up frequently – with clients, with friends, and in working with early childhood educators. It can be such a heartbreak for a parent to leave a child at preschool when they are clinging to your leg and crying. And though the parent may know that it’s good that your child is attached to you and normal that they are scared to be without you transitioning into a school environment, it doesn’t lessen the pain and worry. In addition to using strategies to ease that transition, it also becomes a milestone to celebrate. Your child is learning to be on their own at school without their parent by their side. It’s a giant leap of independence for a young person. And each time they have a leap of independence, they discover the courage and confidence to persist through the solid foundation of love and support you’ve provided for them.

In those early years, children do not have the ability to separate your love from their behaviors — or your scolding or rule-enforcing when they make a poor choice. And so when they have a particularly tough day, make messes and mistakes, they need your reassurance that you love them no matter what – even when they are doing things you don’t like. If you are a parent of young children, it’s important to remember that they need to hear from you that you love them even when they’ve ripped your new dress, written in Sharpie marker directly on the tabletop or spilled the literal milk. You’ll get upset surely and they will too. Hopefully, you’ll guide them through ways they can repair the harm they’ve caused or clean up the mess they’ve made but at the end of it all, whenever that is, they’ll need to hear that you love them no matter what.

In the school age years starting around third grade, school becomes highly conditional and performance based. Typically gone are the warm embraces from teachers. The teachers are now focused on the third grade reading guarantee. Academic performance becomes paramount. Sports are not just co-ed and for the fun of it. They are for skill building and they’re competitive. Children’s identities and friendships too begin to change. They move from “I’m a nice kid who likes to play and explore and befriend anyone” to “I achieve in certain subjects and make goals on the soccer field.” Whereas young children were friends with the peers who sat next to them during snack, now peers are friends who are in the same reading intervention group or skilled (or unskilled) at sports after school and on weekends. They been leveled for their area of competence and labeled too. Because the expectations only continue to rise for achievement and performance, our school age children need to hear that no matter their test score, no matter their GPA, no matter whether they can score a goal or not, you love them and you see them for all of their goodness.

In the middle schools years, life changes dramatically. Physical, cognitive, emotional and social changes are constant. Students feel a sense of vulnerability and sensitivity as they undergo changes and their peers’ opinions become top priority. Judgment reaches an all-time high in their life as friendship groups play the “you’re in,” “you’re out” game which to an outside adult looks like a cruel primitive ritual but tends to be a rite of passage for most and can be tremendously painful when you are deemed “out.” Middle schoolers will want plenty of privacy to navigate their social challenges and push you away as they try and gain independence. No matter what age you are as a parent, you are deemed “old” and unaware of youth culture. And their knowledge and acquisition of youth popular culture is the most important ticket into a social circle. Whereas in the early years, they clung to your leg unabashedly, now they actually may want to cling to your leg at times but wouldn’t dare. And when they feel those cravings – those needs for your love and attention – they’ll create conflict with you and become argumentative and grumpy in order to push you away and self manage their confusing internal conflict. Oh, middle school is not easy for anyone! But those tween-agers and early teens still regularly need to hear that you love them no matter how grumpy or pimply they are. You may have to deliver the message in a note under their door (and you may not immediately be appreciated for it) but they still need to hear it!

In high school, teens are actively experimenting to figure out and define who they want to be. They have a new level of competence pressure because their friend group is not solely based on knowledge of youth popular culture but is also based on competence and performance. Show competence in a sport, theater, music, the arts, and the teen will find friends with similar interests and competencies. Performance pressure heightens further as the stakes grow even higher. Teens’ academic scores will determine where they go to college, if they acquire funding for college, and how they will rank in their school. Sports become so competitive that injuries are common, practices or games are daily, and travel on weekends is part of the package. Though teens continue to push you away to gain independence, your influence is still important and a powerful force in their lives. After all, they don’t have it all figured out and are still relying on you for most aspects of their existence. They’re busier than ever and may hardly stop to have a conversation with you once they are driving, have their own romantic partner, and a range of extracurriculars that keep them out. Their daily lives are conditional – as they receive academic performance feedback daily/hourly; as they receive performance feedback on their extracurriculars; as they navigate friendships and relationships that come and go with the wind. They’ll acquire reputations – good, bad, or ugly – at school that we, as parents, have no control over though our job is to continue to see their light inside — the best of who they are — and can be. Though their independence can produce heartbreak for parents (spoken as one of the heartbroken) as they are busier and less present, they still require our reassurance that we love them no matter what, that we’ve got their backs if they need us, and though everything in their world continues to change, our love will not.

Where will they learn unconditional love if not from you?

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family!

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“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations.

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breath. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

1. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say,

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?”

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in.

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives.

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

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We’ve received some amazing submissions! Thank you if you put thought, energy, time, and passion into writing for our site. Just a reminder that tomorrow, January 31st, is the final day for submissions. If you’ve submitted, we’ll get back to you by February 5th.

Here’s more:

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development.

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by January 31, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much”. – Marian Wright Edelman, American Children’s Rights Activist and Former President, Children’s Defense Fund

“There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children. There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want and that they can grow up in peace.” – Kofi Annan, Seventh Secretary General, United Nations

“…in serving the best interests of children, we serve the best interests of all humanity.” – Carol Bellamy, Former Director, Peace Corps of the United States

Christine French Cully stands among the humans we most admire for a lifetime of work and dedication to children. Christine was the long-time Editor-In-Chief of Highlights Magazine and more recently, their Chief Purpose Officer. I remember her saying that childhood was a sweet season to be savored. Christine emphasized enjoying and celebrating the child right where they were – at that very age, stage and moment instead of constantly projecting them toward their future, older self. Christine emphasized listening to children…paying close attention to not only their words but what was in their heart and demonstrated through their laughter and play. She wrote:

When a child shares their inner thoughts, we are given a gift. it’s an honor and a responsibility — even a sacred trust.

Highlights Magazine, founded in 1946, has remained true to that mission of listening to children over those many years. They’ve received over two million letters and editors have responded to EVERY ONE OF THEM. Christine took the time in her career to respond to children’s letters. And children told Highlights secrets they didn’t share with anyone else. To read some of the precious letters, check out Christine French Cully’s book, Dear Highlights; What Adults Can Learn from 75 Years of Letters and Conversations with Kids.

Though I was introduced to Christine to bring insight to the data Highlights had gathered from an extensive child survey in 2018, I learned much more from her insights on the children she had listened to over many years. And personally, when she became a grandma, I saw her face light up. It was clearly her greatest joy.

May the world know more advocates who are as humble, as empathetic and as driven by a solitary purpose of children thriving. Christine French Cully, we are ever grateful for your light.

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Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last year and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts who are also parents in the field. So join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development.

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by January 31, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer MillerAs we move into this new year with hope and optimism for the opportunities of connection and well-being it may bring, it’s impossible not to notice that fear and anxiety seem to dominate the cold, barren landscape of January. As I coach parents and work with families weekly, anxiety in children, teens, and parents is the pervasive theme. As I tend to do each year at this time, I turn to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for wisdom and he never disappoints.

I was amazed to discover handwritten notes archived in Stanford University’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. On July 21, 1957, Dr. King had written an outline for a sermon entitled “The Mastery of Fear.” I’m placing his notes below with my own interpretation of how they might apply to our current context while also viewing it through the lens of children’s and adult’s social and emotional development.

From Dr. King’s “The Mastery of Fear, Sermon Outline”

• Fear is a powerfully creative force. The fear of ignorance leads to education etc … Every saving invention and every intellectual advance has behind it as a part of its motivation the desire to avoid or escape some dreaded thing. And so Angelo Patri is right in saying, “Education consist in being afraid at the right time.”

This is yet another moment when we have the chance to lead our families and teach our children HOW to channel their fear. If we are constantly afraid, we are debilitated. We’ll lose our perspective which can lead to paralysis. If we repress and suppress our fears, hiding them in our darkest depths because our intimate others cannot accept or deal with them, we’ll be consigned to those inner caverns protecting ourselves to the point of self-destruction. We isolate from sharing the deepest parts of who we are. But Dr. King asserts fear can act as a creative force. There is great power in fear if we use it as fuel for our own inventive ways to focus on child and adult thriving as a primary driver (not as a nice-to-have). Here are some questions I imagine Dr. King would offer us to consider:

• How are we remaining present to our intimate family holding space for all of their emotions, especially the ones that challenge us the most?
• What are the roles we play in our village and how can we be or become a stabilizing force of compassion, love and grace?
• How can we accept the fears we have as a valuable means for channeling our creative forces?
• How can we accept the fears our children have as a valuable means for channeling their creative forces?
• What is the saving intention you are hatching through the ordeals – the pains, struggles – in your life? What is your own intellectual advance? How about for your family members?

And Dr. King Continues…

• 13 So if by “a fearless man” we mean one who is not afraid of anything, we are picturing, not a wise man, but a defective mind. There are normal and abnormal fears.
• So the difficulty of our problem is that we are not to get rid of fear altogether, but we must harness it and master it.14 Like fire it is a useful and necessary servant, but a ruinous master. It is fear when it becomes terror, panic and chronic anxiety that we must seek to eliminate.

Fearlessness is not something for which to strive, he writes. Instead he might ask us:

• How can we harness and utilize our fire to ensure our children, teens and other family members are safe, healthy and able to learn and pursue the fires of their own passions for the betterment of humanity?
• What happens when it feels like fear is taking over, the fire is out of control? What plans do we have to bring the flames back down and under control? Are you becoming intentional about taking regular pauses in your day to manage the flames? Check out the Family Emotional Safety Plan as one way to do that.

And finally, from Dr. King’s Sermon Outline…

• How do we master fear
  • Of basic importance in mastering fear is the need of getting out in the open the object of our fear and frankly facing it. Human life is full of secret fears.
  • A further step in mastering fear is to remember that it always involves the misuse of the imagination.

What if we sense our children or teens are harboring secret fears? In my experience, a healthy response requires parents being vulnerable themselves. So…

• How can you raise the topic of fears with your family and share some of your own and how you manage them?
• How can you revisit this conversation so that there is a regular safe place for your children to name their fears?

Inherit in Dr. King’s naming of the misuse of imagination is the call to use imagination in healthy ways. Your mind can wander like a runaway train down the track of catastrophe and worst case scenarios. And that rumination can leave you in destructive and defeatist thinking. So…

• How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision and even take steps toward Dr. King’s Beloved Community?
• How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision an education system in which all children are safe, valued and thriving?
• How can we engage our children in envisioning leaving the world a better place for their being in it?
• And importantly, how can we join with others in imagining together? Dr. King knew collective imagining would lead to positive change.

It can only come about if we dream it together first. Thank you once again, Dr. King. We are grateful.

Reference:

King, M.L., Jr. (1957). The mastery of fear (Sermon). Montgomery, AL: Stanford University The Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute.

From Dr. King’s References:

1. Fosdick, On Being a Real Person, p. 110: “Angelo Patri is right in saying, ‘Education consists in being afraid at the right time.’” Fosdick may have gotten this quote from William H. Burnham’s book The Normal Mind (New York: D. Appleton, 1924), p. 417. Patri, an educator and expert on child psychology, disavowed any use of fear in child-rearing (Child Training [New York: D. Appleton, 1922], pp. 19, 250).

2. Fosdick, The Hope of the World, p. 60: “Indeed, this is the difficulty of our problem, that our business is not to get rid of fear but to harness it, curb it, master it.”

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Post-break winter days seem to be a time when there’s more pressure to perform and less energy for all that performing. Dealing with the extra scarves, boots, and gloves in the morning, the icy streets on the way to school, and the heat blasting drying our skin until it cracks, adds just that little extra chaos and discomfort to throw us off. Lack of movement and lack of fresh air can also contribute to not sleeping well and not feeling our best. Not only are these conditions that may challenge our own motivation, but our children’s motivation can become an even greater challenge.

We sense as parents and educators that finding just that right way to engage a child in learning will turn a magical key and motivate a child or teen to work hard to learn what they are expected to learn. Motivation is simply a reason to act. And for adults who work with children, there are numerous moments in every day when we are attempting to inspire or cajole our child into acting in a particular way. Though we know it’s critical, the methods to provide that reason can allude us. And as I’ve heard from some, “I’ve tried it all.”

From stickers to pizza parties, from payments to candy, adults often resort to extrinsic motivators to get children to get going. But in fact, extrinsic motivators, as the term implies, moves the focus from a child’s internal sense of control to controlling behaviors through outside forces. This can remove some of a child’s sense of agency. And it always takes away their ability to grow essential life skills because they are not allowed the practice of self-discipline, an inner strength, but instead are manipulated by a Jolly Rancher. Though temporarily, stickers or stars can move a child to action, they do not influence their moral development – “this is the right thing to do,” or “this requires hard work” – and so they do not change behavior when you are not present or over time. Remove the sticker and you remove the behavior.

Emotions and motivation are inextricably linked.1 Emotions fuel our motivation to act. Emotions like happiness, excitement, and curiosity send an “approach” signal and increase energy, optimism, and motivation. Emotions like worry, frustration, or fear send the “avoid” message to steer away from whatever is concerning. With school work producing a whole host of emotions including the avoidance cues, how do we help our students stay engaged?

Here are some simple ideas to engage your child or teen’s motivation to work hard and also, to deal with the tougher emotions that work against motivation.

Listen and observe first.

What is motivating your child or teen to not want to act/work hard/take responsibility? Are they avoiding failure? Is their inner critic on the loud speaker? Are they scared of what peers might think? Discover what the motivational road blocks are before attempting to address the problem. Not only will that insight help you decide on a better response, but it will also create empathy so that you intervene with patience and understanding.

Articulate and normalize feelings.

When you notice that family members are more stressed, when you notice irrational statements, or avoidance behaviors (your child runs to her room and shuts the door hoping to shut out the world), it’s time to focus on their hearts. The embarrassment of having big feelings can add to the struggle. So helping your child or teen become more self aware by identifying what you see, feel and experience with them not only helps normalize their feelings but brings down the heat as they begin to feel understood.

We put up a simple feelings list in the winter time as a reminder. Here’s one you can use!

Take care of your own feelings – particularly anxiety and frustration.

Yes, emotions are contagious. If you are feeling those avoidance feelings, you may be unwittingly making it harder for your child or teen to feel motivated. You might ask yourself: what can I do daily to help myself return to a place of calm? Journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help. Also learning about your child’s or teen’s development and healthy ways you can respond adds to your sense of agency and competence and reduces anxiety.

Co-create a plan for homework frustrations.

You know it’s gonna happen. Your child or teen WILL get frustrated. And that frustration can derail them for some time. It can even mean that an assignment goes unfinished or a test not studied for. So sit down with your student and make a plan! Try out a short brain break. Check out these coping strategies to help your child feel better during their brain break.

Review your routines and each family members’ responsibilities.

Those daily routines can make a significant difference in how your student feels at school whether they get enough sleep at night because of a consistent bedtime routine or whether they get to school focused because of a calm, connected morning routine. Check out this video on the morning routine. Write out a plan for the routine with younger children. Checklists tend to work great for teens who can own their own checklists.

Find moments for creativity and joy.

Perhaps you’ve put away gifts from the holidays. Bring them out for a little playtime. Turn up the music and get your dance on during a homework break. Put out art supplies or a puzzle and see what happens. Engage in some joy and creativity together. When you know it will contribute to your child or teen’s motivation to work hard, it’s worth taking some time out to insert activities in which you’ll be fully present and enjoy each other.

Use direct language.

When it’s time to focus and get to work, share that in a direct way. “Time to get to work.” Nagging or repeating yourself can lead to power struggles inviting argumentation and negotiation.

Prompt student to set own goals for work/learning.

You can begin a homework session by asking your child what their goals are in the time they have. Allow them to set their own goals on how they will focus, how they will work, and when they hope to break. These choices offer them a sense of agency and control over the process. And the goals aim their focus.

Partner with your child’s teachers or teen’s advisor.

If you are concerned about your child’s performance or level of engagement, meet with your child’s teacher to discuss. Even a brief meeting can assure you and your student’s teacher that you are working together toward the same goals – your child’s success. You might ask, “what can we do at home to support what you are doing at school?” We, as responsible parents, may double down at this time and forget that we don’t have to do it all. We have partners who we can engage with to offer extra support at a time when it’s needed most.

Yes, treats at the end of a school day certainly can light up a child’s face when they come home. But they shouldn’t be bait for a particular behavior. In fact, you’ll show your child or teen that you have confidence in them when you trust their inner compass. They too want to be successful in school. They may just need a little extra support this time of year (as we all do). May you feel that support from this parenting village!

Happy new year!

References:

1. Roseman I. J. (2008). Motivations and emotivations: approach, avoidance, and other tendencies in motivated and emotional behavior, in Handbook of Approach and Avoidance Motivation, ed. Elliot A. J. (New York: Psychology Press; ), 343–366

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As I watch the deer silently foraging in my backyard while the ground is fully coated in white snow, I wonder about what this year will bring for my family and yours. The start of the new year is a natural time for reflection and if you live in a cold climate as I do, the bareness of the landscape creates ideal conditions in its quiet and simplicity. At Confident Parents, we’ve just come through our twelfth year and we continue to learn and grow with you, our parenting community. There are a few key truths that have emerged over those years of parenting and observing our children.

• Change is constant and persistent in our children’s learning and development which requires us, as parents, to observe, reflect, learn, change, and adjust as their needs alter our lives.
• Change is constant in the world. The rapid pace of technology’s development and influence in our lives puts us as parents often in a reactive place as we orient ourselves to how new devices, new apps, and now artificial intelligence will impact our children’s lives whether in school or at home.
• Our children’s experiences and our teen’s experiences cannot be compared to our own since the context they are growing up in is vastly different than what we encountered. So we, as parents, are reinventing what it means to offer the support and conducive conditions for our children to flourish now and in their future.
• Our children’s and teen’s flourishing requires a complex path of attending to their physical, social, and emotional well-being as well as their knowledge acquisition. This learning takes place in every space and place in their lives and most often comes through relationships.
• There is no one way. There is no perfect way. And the more we learn from one another, the more we grow in our connectedness, support, and learning.

All this change and complexity can create fear in us…fear of the unknown changes ahead; fear of how technology is impacting our children and teens; fear of whether our children will be ready to tackle their academic challenges, or their interpersonal challenges, or their health and growth challenges. If we allow fear to creep into our days and rule our decision-making (and it can happen without our full awareness), our choices – our words and actions – will come from instinct and impulse. And we know that responsible decisions are typically not made in that way.

Responsible decisions instead require that we get quiet, pause, reflect on our higher values and how those values can be enacted through our choices, words, and actions.

Because we are all busy in keeping up with our ever-changing careers, supporting our children’s school and learning, and running our family’s lives, we will not slow down enough to truly reflect individually, as partners, and as a family unless we prioritize it as essential to our well-being and flourishing.

We do understand that essential learning for our children in who they are becoming (their self identity) and how they relate to others comes first through our modeling. And then, we can deepen that learning through supported practice and coaching. So as we are attempting to teach them responsibility, an important place to start is in how we lead our families to be reflective, to make meaning together. Research confirms that the process of meaning-making adds to our health and happiness. In order to gain the benefits of meaning making, there are three areas that research focuses on including reflecting on the significance of our lives (Why do we matter? How do we matter?); coherence (or how do we make sense of things and things make sense to us); and purpose (or what is our big why in being and/or in doing).1

So in 2025, we are ushering in a year of meaning-making with our families. In it, we’ll take regular pauses to ask questions of meaning and explore them together. Some of the important conditions of this meaning making are:

1. When we ask big questions, they’ll be no RIGHT answer.
2. Meaning can be made through family dialogue and co-constructed. Instead of one person offering a definitive perspective, we can bring our ideas together around central questions and decide how we choose to perceive what we experiencing.
3. The stories we tell and how we make sense of them become evidence of our families’ culture and values.
4. These stories build trust, care and collaboration among us.
5. They offer a foundation of support for all times but become especially important when we endure hard times or one or more of us experience pain.

Making meaning of world events, national leaders’ choices, school events, course content (a book assigned for school), community and neighborhood news, and family and friend choices are all fodder for asking these big questions.

In a year of meaning-making with our families, we might ask questions like:

• In the big picture, what really matters to us? How are we showing what matters to us through our words and actions?
• What is our purpose? What is our big why? Yes, children need to understand the why of their education, of their day-to-day lives as much as we do to keep in focus how their efforts contribute to something bigger and important.
• How are we making a difference in others’ lives? What are ways in which we could be making a difference in new ways?
• How are we seeking truth? How can we understand how the stories we are telling came into being? Have our views changed and why? What are new or emerging truths and how do they make us feel?
• What are our highest aspirations for who we are becoming?
• How can we reexamine stories that may sabotage our sense of agency, stories of lack, criticism, or not-enoughness? What new stories can replace outdated stories? And how can we name our children’s inner voices – their inner critic and their inner wisdom – to call forth the one that will best support their confidence, capacity, and courage?

“The universe is made of stories, not atoms,” wrote poet Muriel Rukeyzer.2

How can we co-create stories over our dinner tables this season and this year that tell of our family wisdom and how we are bringing our best selves to contribute to one another and our communities?

We wish you a healthy, happy and confident new year!

Thank you for your participation in the Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ parenting village! We reached a milestone in 2024 of over one million views! With a number of new valuable partnerships, we’ll have many announcements to make this coming year for more supports for parents and caregivers in doing the most meaningful job in the world. We are here because of you!

References:

1. Hicks, J.A., & King, L.A. (2021). Three ways to see meaning in your life. Struggling to find a sense of meaning in life? Researchers have found three different pathways to it. Greater Good Science Center, Nov. 2.
2. Rukeyser, M. (1968). The speed of darkness. NY: Random House.

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So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us – Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, fest, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!!

– The Shortest Day by Susan Cooper

Today – December 21st – is the shortest day of the year and marks the turning from dark to an increase in sunlight. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the coldest time of year and in the Southern, it marks the Summer Solstice. The traditions that recognize this passage seem to touch numerous cultures around the world and date back to ancient times in which the Mayan Indians, ancient Romans, Scandinavians and others celebrated. Today, there are winter solstice traditions celebrated in India, China, Japan, South Korea, England, Ireland, Canada, Guatemala and more. Years ago, my own neighborhood friends would gather on this day, say some words of gratefulness for the gift of light in our lives, and each person would contribute a stick or evergreen branch to the fire. This tradition has remained in my memory as one of the most sacred I have attended. All of the major world holidays involve an appreciation for light in the darkness as a previous article explored including Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa.

This year, we have the opportunity to engage again in this ritual with dear friends and we are grateful to extend our family tradition to include more. This passage of dark to light offers so many opportunities for meaningful connection and reflection. Positive change begins inside ourselves and then, at home with our families. And as positive changemakers – which if you read and follow this, you are! – the solstice presents an opportunity, a moment to ask “how am I being the change I want to see in the world?” If I am to authentically embrace empathy and compassion for others – even and especially those who are challenging me or making destructive choices – I first must invest in letting go of judgement and that includes my own self-criticism – which can serve as the toughest critic of all. I can only do this if I remind myself that each person is coping with their pain in vastly different ways. And there is no one right path.

What if, this Solstice, each person took the time to reflect on their voices of judgement for others and themselves and sent them into the fire to burn to ashes? If we did this in a wholehearted way, I wonder if we could rise like a phoenix and offer the compassion to ourselves and others that is so needed? I know the potential is there. How can you become a model for your family?

I so appreciate this day as a silent pause in the hustle of the holidays for introspection. If you, as I do, want to take this sacred moment to recognize how nature is offering us this opportunity for transformation, here are some ways to bring your family into the reflection with you. The following are themes that are emphasized across the world’s solstice traditions.

Theme: Letting Go, Forgiveness and Rebirth
In ancient Rome during the solstice, wars stopped, grudges were forgiven and slaves traded places with their masters. Today, the theme of forgiveness and rebirth is carried out in a diverse range of religious and cultural practices. The burning of wood to create light in the darkness also symbolizes that we can let go of old stories, judgements of ourselves and others, old wounds or poor choices and begin again. For children, it’s a critical lesson to learn that one choice does not determine who they are. There is always the light of a new day to offer a chance for forgiving the old and creating the new.

Question for our Family Dinner: Are people in your life disappointing you with their choices? Are there hurts that you are holding onto from the past? Have you disappointed yourself? How can you focus on letting go realizing that holding on only hurts yourself and keeps you imprisoned with those judgements? With the burning of a candle, can you imagine those disappointments burning into the ash, forgiven, and offering you a new chance?

Theme: Connection
Our connection to one another during this time is one of the most valuable. Ironically savoring our moments with our loved ones can get buried under a mound of anxiety, expectations and commitments. When it comes to focusing on our appreciation for one another during this passage from dark to light, we can be made aware, if we stop long enough to notice, that we are more alike than different. Numerous religions, nations, indigenous cultures and popular culture celebrate light with a wide variety of rituals and traditions. We can enter into our own celebrations, whatever our traditions may be, with the awareness that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent with one another and our environment. We can begin to explore the many other ways we are connected to one another regardless of how different we feel or seem at times.

Question for our Family Dinner: How have the ways in which we connect changed this year? What connections have been nourishing and satisfying that we want to keep or promote more of? What connecting have we left behind that we do not miss? What are ways that we are connected to people from places far from us in the world? What are the ways we are connected to people who are different from us or challenge us in our own community? If there have been disagreements among family and friends, how do we remain connected to those individuals?

Theme: Relationship of Light and Dark
Darkness has long been a symbol for emotional turmoil, sickness and violence in the world. The darkness seems to hold fear and danger but with the light of day, the perspective changes dramatically to one of hope and possibility. Moving from short, gray days to lighter, brighter days can help remind us that there is always another chance to make a better decision. There’s always an opportunity to be who we really aspire to being. Our actions can reflect our deepest values.

Question for our Family Dinner: Is there sadness, fear, disappointment or other darkness you want to leave behind? How can you let it go and begin again? What hopes do you have for the new year?

Theme: Gratefulness for the Natural World
It is humbling to step back and watch the changing of the seasons unfold. In ancient times, people feared that the lack of light would continue. They worried that if they did not revere the Sun God, it may move further away from their days. Take this moment in time to appreciate the sun, the moon, the trees, the birds and all of the natural world around us that profoundly influences all of our lives.

Question for our Family Dinner: What aspects of nature influence you regularly? What do you appreciate about the environment you encounter each day? How can you become more aware of the changes in nature around you? Have you gained more appreciation or a new view of the natural world during the pandemic?

Our family will be lighting a fire and sitting by it, noticing its brilliant light and feeling its warmth. As I toss my ceremonial evergreen bough on the fire, I’ll be considering what judgement stories I need to send into the fire with the bough. How can I place those kernels of anger, fear and disappointment into the flames to help myself truly let them go? There is a silent calm that comes over me when I light a candle or watch the flames rise in our fireplace. That calm gives me the space to reflect on the meaning of this time of year and connects me to the many individuals and cultures today and of generations past that have recognized this passage.

May you find ways to let go of your outdated stories during this emergence from dark to light. May you allow it to transform you and create a bigger, wider space for compassion that can emerge from you fueled by more light in future days.

Adapted from an original post on December 14, 2014.

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Thank you, Harvard Book Store for carrying Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence In Ourselves and Our Kids — from Toddlers to Teenagers in English

and in Vietnamese.

Readers say…

I’m a father of two. A eight year old son and six year old daughter. Too often I find myself losing patience with my little ones and knew there had to be a better way than what I was doing. Well that brought me to this book. I loved this. I’m not one for parenting books but this one was fact based, and actionable. I took pages of notes, and am already applying this to our little household. This is a wonderful book.

Miller’s beautifully crafted book is a must read. The book is not only content rich, but has an artistically and user-friendly display. I’ve truly enjoyed reading the developmental stages and gotten helpful suggestions in the “Tips for Conductors” section for each stage. Miller’s style is knowledgeable, yet affirming and gentle for parents to be kind to themselves through this parenting journey.

This book has so much great information for every stage of a child’s life. Relating feelings to music, Jennifer beautifully writes on how to become a more confident parent.

Be sure and add this book to gift purchasing list and support the families you love this holiday season!

Check out more reviews on Good Reads here!

Purchase on Amazon here.

Purchase at Barnes and Noble here.

Happy holidays!

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Next week, Confident Parents, Confident Kids partners with the United Nations’ UNICEF and Six Seconds, a global organization that supports emotional intelligence, for the Pop-Up Festival on Child Well-being in celebration of World Children’s Day on Thursday, November 20th. Last year, they reach 3.5 million people with this campaign. And this year, you are invited to be a part of it!

The central activity focuses on climate change and environmental justice. It’s a simple activity that can be done by/with children, teens, and adults alike. In it, you’ll reflect on how you feel about the current realities of climate change. And then, you’ll draw your hoped-for, imagined future of our planet and climate. If done together with caring adults and accompanied by meaningful dialogue, it can be incredibly powerful in showing how we all have agency in the issue of sustaining our planet. Did you know… in the largest international research study to date, researchers found that 56% of the 10,000 youth surveyed felt “humanity is doomed” due to climate change.1 So showing our youth they can make a difference is a powerful way we can contribute to child well-being.

Through this simple activity, you’ll be generating ideas with children and teens on how we all play a part in ensuring youth have a safe and happy future they can look forward to.So here’s what you can do if you choose to participate with us.

1. Let me know you’re in! (See form below.)
2. Download the attachments for the activity here.
3. Engage the children and teens you are raising, teaching, or working with in the activity. Be sure you discuss what your children are expressing on paper to help all make sense of what they are feeling. If in your conversation, you get to the point of saying, “what can we do?”, be sure and note this is one important step you are taking by expressing what’s in your hearts and sharing it with others to raise awareness around the globe.
4. Scan and share with me by Tues, Nov. 19! And I’ll share through the Confident Parents’ blog and social media (and encourage others to participate through your examples). Please send as a pdf attachment to confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: Child Well-being.
5. Share through your own social media! Be sure and add the hashtags: #EQPOPUP #worldchildrensday

Submit a form.

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By Guest Author Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW

The world is a very complex place, and according to the US Surgeon General, raising children is more challenging and stressful than it has been for previous generations. Helping children become more self-aware, teaching them to take the perspective of others, express empathy, and navigate their emotions positively while managing conflict is more important than ever in today’s polarized world. These skills will allow children to develop healthy, harmonious relationships and be positive contributors to their community.

“Civility is an act of showing regard and respect for others including politeness, consideration, tact, good manners, graciousness, cordiality, affability, amiability, and courteousness.”1

Because disagreements and divisions are highly visible in our children’s world, from overhearing conversations in public to viewing events and opinions reported in social media debates, it is essential for them to learn how to engage with others respectfully, even — and especially — when opinions clash. Teaching civility involves helping children to become more self-aware and understand that there are many ways to view the same circumstances. They need to learn that even when someone sees things differently, they deserve to be treated with respect. The benefits of being more self-aware, curious, and open to others’ perspectives lay the foundation for better conflict management, increased empathy, and stronger social connections.

Teaching EmpathyEmpathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes,” which allows one to better recognize and acknowledge the feelings of another. Expressing empathy allows us to truly connect and communicate to the other person that we hear and see that person. We are all capable of empathy, and the more we develop it in ourselves and our children, the more we can recognize that behind every opinion and action is a person with a unique set of experiences and feelings.

As parents and caregivers, the most powerful way to nurture empathy is by modeling and showing empathy during our daily interactions with children. And that simple act can transform how they react to challenges in particular. When children have big emotions, are misbehaving, or struggling with a conflict, we can model empathy with a simple one-line statement such as “It’s so hard.” For example: “It’s so hard to stop playing and go to bed” rather than “Quit complaining, or you won’t get to read any books before bed!”. The use of one simple empathetic statement, like “It’s so hard,” “Oh no,” or “You seem/look/sound…” will cue the parent to check on their own emotional state first, self-soothe, and calm down before saying anything. While at the same time, the parent acknowledges the child’s thoughts and feelings.

Expressing compassion for your child rather than dismissing or diminishing their emotions will allow you to act based on what is happening, not what you are feeling. While on the surface, using a single empathetic statement sounds simple, the application can be quite challenging. For me, it took years of practice! Check out the resource at the end of the article if you want to learn more about how to do this.

Practice with Perspective-TakingThe ability to take another person’s perspective requires one to better understand the foundations of their own perspective, which is grounded in both where that person has stood in the past and where they stand now in the moment. Research has shown that it is a combination of both past and present experiences and how we have interpreted them that influence our current thoughts, feelings, and actions.2 Being able to take another’s perspective is critical in promoting civility in children because it allows them to appreciate dissimilar opinions, which then reduces the possibility of conflict and misunderstanding.

One effective way to teach perspective-taking is through structured activities. Board games such as Apples to Apples, Battleship, HedBanz, and Guess Who? are fun ways to nurture perspective-taking skills. Another way to practice this skill that doesn’t require purchasing a game is an exercise where children are presented with different scenarios and asked to guess how various people involved might feel. This process not only encourages children to think beyond their own experiences but also provides them with a framework for responding more thoughtfully to others.

Regulating Conflict with Emotion CoachingEmotion coaching helps parents guide their children through life’s ups and downs in a way that builds confidence, resilience, and strong relationships. Developed by Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, this process helps children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when strong feelings arise that help them thrive socially and academically.3 Here are a few of the emotion coaching steps that you can incorporate into your problem-solving conversations with your child:

1. Listen and validate.

Listen empathetically and respond to your child’s thoughts and experiences by affirming them. Encourage your child to tell his or her story. For example, “Hey buddy, tell me what happened.” Then, reflect back on what the child said or paraphrase with something like “It sounds like you are feeling ________(include feeling word), is that right?”

2. Help your child label emotions.

It’s important that you allow your child to label his or her own feelings, instead of dictating how to feel. Listen in a way that shows you’re paying attention and taking your child seriously, and don’t dismiss any emotions as silly or unimportant.

3. Set limits while problem-solving.

Set a limit on the behavior or choice your child expresses while acknowledging his or her emotions. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel/want ________, but it’s not okay to do or say ________.” Once the limit has been set, ask your child what he or she wants or needs. Then brainstorm together a few different ways to resolve the situation that are both safe and respectful. Help your child evaluate those ideas based on your family’s values. For example, we take responsibility for the messes we make. Let him or her choose what to do to fix the problem, try again, or try the next time the problem occurs.

Integrating empathy, perspective-taking, and emotion coaching into daily parenting practices are powerful and effective ways to teach children civility because children learn best by observing the adults in their lives. These skills not only allow children to better navigate the complexities of human interactions and enhance their own personal relationships but will also foster a more compassionate and unified world.

Resource:

Check out Melissa Benaroya’s FREE Keep Calm Course on the practice of empathy: Keep Calm Mini Course.

Reference:

1. Organizing Engagement, & The National Institute for Civil Discourse. Principles: Civility. Organizing Engagement. Retrieved on 11/4/2024.
2. Gerace, Adam & Day, Andrew & Casey, Sharon & Mohr, Philip. (2015). Perspective Taking and Empathy: Does Having Similar Past Experience to Another Person Make It Easier to Take Their Perspective?. Journal of Relationships Research. 6. e10, 1-14. 10.1017/jrr.2015.6.
3. Gottman, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child; The Heart of Parenting. NY: Simon and Schuster.

Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW, is a Seattle-based parent coach, speaker, and author. She created the Childproof Parenting online course and co-authored the book The Childproof Parent. Melissa provides parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. Melissa offers parent coaching and classes and is a keynote speaker both locally and internationally. Check out Melissa’s blog for more great tips on common parenting issues.

For more great resources on civility, check out the CivilTalk Podcast! The most recent episode features Confident Parents’ Friend and Collaborator Maurice Elias on Teaching Beyond Tests: Life Skills and Civil Discourse in Schools. You’ll also discover episodes featuring Confident Parents’ Lorea Martinez on Emotional Intelligence and School Leadership and Jennifer Miller on Building an Emotionally Aware Family.

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We are excited to publish out first Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter specifically designed for school communities. Help us support your families! Be sure you sign up for the free trial to receive our inaugural issue today and see if it might become an important support as you work on cultivating school-family partnerships.

Thanks to those who have written in with enthusiasm! We are excited too about the possibilities! Here’s our first question from a school community…

How will the mailing list be handled for the newsletter? We don’t share our parents’ email addresses.You will never have to share your parents’ email addresses. When you subscribe, we’ll send you a sample welcome note that you can customize for your parents. In that note, they can choose whether they want to opt-in or not. If they want to recieve the newsletter, they’ll submit their email address to us directly (their choice). We will only charge for the subscription level that corresponds to the number of parents/caregivers who sign up.

Today, if you sign up, we’ll also send you a FREE GIFT for your parents and caregivers – a printable homework routine planning sheet that families can use to decide on how their family will set up their routine together.

Here’s a little taste of what’s coming today…1. Welcome Letter from Jennifer Miller, MEd. – This letter offers the top seven simple tips for motivating children and teens to focus, work hard, and persist on their school work at home based on solid research.

1. Did You Know? Developmental Tips by Grade Level on Hard Work, Motivation and Persistence. Here’s our first grade example. They’ll be tips for each grade from preschool through high school!

In First Grade – Your child is now busy learning to read and it’s no small task! In fact, it’s monumental and may be giving your child stress as they feel pressured to learn. Be sure that, at this age, you take time to pick out favorite, high interest books for your child (local libraries are perfect for this!). Snuggle up together and take turns reading words or sentences. Have your child pick out words, phrases or sentences they are able to read. You can read the bulk of it but be sure and use your finger to guide your child to read along as with you. Whether stories create laughter, sorrow, or happy scares, find joy together in learning to read. This will go a long way in motivating your young child through the hard work of learning to read!

1. Supporting Learning at Home Tip of the Month – This section will focus on offering ways in which parents and caregivers can help set up the physical space, the emotional conditions and also their own support to create a conducive, focused environment for learning regardless of the type of home setting they have. This month, we focus on the routine of homework time. Here’s the start of the tip!

It’s important that you work with your children to establish a homework routine that a.) works for your family practically; b.) coordinates with taking care of their physical and emotional needs; and c.) maximizes their focus on getting the work accomplished. You likely already have fallen into a routine. But it’s easy for some bad habits to form for your student if you haven’t been intentional about that routine. This is an ideal time to consider how it’s going and see if there are ways to improve on it so that as you enter tough and challenging work assignments, you and your young learner are ready! Here are some things to examine: Sign up for more!

4. Focus on a Life Skill: Practicing Self-Management (sign up for more!)

5. Healthy Ways to Use Technology Tip of the Month (sign up for more!)

6. Making It Happen… Practical Tools to Use in Family Life (sign up for more!)

7. Final Reflection Question or Poll (sign up for more!)

8. Highlights of the November Issue

After twelve years of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we have so many practical tips, strategies, and tools to share! So we are just getting started!

Hope you’ll join us! Sign up here to receive the free trial edition today!

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First, there was the angry specter who gave me a genuine jump scare. When my son was in the toddler and preschool years, little E lashed out with his hands when he was angry. He didn’t have the words in that moment of upset. I felt the ghost of my own young child being punished by an angry mother. And I surprised myself in becoming emotional when I knew that all my son needed was a calm mother to help him regulate his upset. That ghost shook me to the core and pushed me to reflect on how I might confront it. And it raised the question, “what other ghosts lay in wait until just the moment when I’m least expecting them to jump out and scare me?” And if they do jump out, I wondered, how will I respond in ways that do not hurt my relationship with my family? How do I respond in ways that model for my child healthy and courageous ways to respond to ghosts? And lay in wait they did. Ghosts are incredibly patient.

In the early school age years, E would come home with painful stories. He got teased and criticized for missing a ball during a game or he got pushed by a classmate who simply didn’t like him. This is where the unbounded-empathy ghost scared me. Experiencing my son’s pain felt unbearable. And the unbounded-empathy ghost haunted me repeatedly making me feel helpless and aching. How can I respond to this? My son needs me. And I felt compelled to protect him. All I wanted to do was rip him out of school and tell the parents of the children who hurt him exactly what their children had done. Of course, I knew this response was utterly unreasonable. So I had to seek out healthy ways to respond.

As the years went on, I took on more and more of the family burdens and responsibilities until one day, the burnout ghost appeared as if out of nowhere. Though she’d been hanging around for some time, I finally noticed her presence. I had been telling myself the story that I was strong. That I was desperately needed by everyone for pretty much everything. That I was the only one who could do it all – all the chores, all the parenting, all the things. And my partner was left asking: “where do I fit in to this equation? And where does our son fit?” The burnout ghost is an insidious one because she creeps around but rarely shows her face. You may shiver when you feel her but because of the nature of this ghost, you press on ignoring the chill in the air. Yet, she uses her power by spreading the fog of shame and not-enough-ness to keep you working and beat you down. When she does show, though, and you can see her clearly. You notice that she’s out for destruction and particularly for destroying trusting, confident, and loving relationships – one’s in which each person owns their own responsibilities that contribute to their own well-being and to the whole family.

There have been and continue to be many more ghosts that show up through parenthood; far too many to name. And you may experience very different ones than these mentioned depending on how you were brought up in your own childhood. Others may experience the slave-to-social-expectations ghost, particularly brutal and potentially, psychologically damaging. There’s also the achievement-at-all-costs, the there’s-no-crying-in-parenting or the never-good-enough-parent ghosts. Not to mention, the not-seen-or-valued ghost and the victim (everyone-else-is-to-blame) ghosts. Whichever ghosts you encounter, they are utterly personal and designed to scare you into either submission, a.k.a repeat the patterns of the past, or growth.

These ghosts are NOT your parents, teachers, or former caregivers. They represent the residual reactions and feelings you experienced throughout your childhood that often came from caregivers’ decisions, words, and actions. And though they lack substance in this time, in this space, they know exactly how to genuinely frighten. When they well up in you – on top of an already busy, heart-invested life – they can take you over and truly make you question yourself in fundamental ways…particularly when you react to them quickly and impulsively out of fear and protection.

This time of year, we have many opportunities to fill ourselves up with courage and capability. If we choose authenticity (looking directly at those ghosts) and growth (confronting them) as the way in which we’ll respond, we’ll need to face the darkness knowing that although those apparitions lay in wait for our moment of vulnerability, we’ve prepared. And we can! After all, they do not represent reality, only thin air. If we spend time reflecting, if we know exactly how we will show up differently, we can and will be ready. Here’s how a neurobiologist and psychiatrist explains this phenomenon:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens, our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions and sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

Readying yourself for your ghosts can be one of the most powerful proactive steps you can take to bring your best to your parenting and raise confident kids and teens. So when you have a quiet time and space, use the following exercise with your journal in hand.

Reflect on the following questions. Be sure and write out your answers (writing by hand connects the emotions to the cognitive parts of the brain and typing does not connect those two as well so I recommend writing by hand.). This will work better for you if you spend some time getting still and coming from your place of higher wisdom. So before you begin writing…

Sit in Stillness… set a timer for two minutes of stillness. Sit comfortably upright. Close your eyes or lower your gaze. You can focus on your breath. Or you can send gratitude to your heart. This will prepare you for bringing your highest wisdom to your journaling.

1. Ultimately what do I want for my child (children) or teen (teens)?

2. What are my deepest values that I want to teach, communicate, and pass on to my children/teens?

3. Do I have feelings of upset, anger or fear that rise up stronger, bigger, and more intensely than the circumstance merits? Do I have strong reactions that surprise myself? Do I regret reactions? When do any of these happen? These are an indicator of ghosts. What is happening with my child or teen at those times? Or what circumstances, people, or events press my most vulnerable buttons in my role as a parent?

4. What actions do I typically take when those buttons are pushed? What words do I use? What tone of voice do I use? What is my body positioning communicating?

5. Do those words and actions align with my deepest values for my life and my role as a parent? Do they align with what I want to teach my child? In other words, since we know our children learn the most from modeling, if my child repeated my words or actions in public, would I be glad and proud, or ashamed or angry? If the latter is the case, then what words and actions would I feel proud of?

6. Consider those current child or teen behaviors that I’m challenged by in the context of my own childhood. Do I exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did my parents or caregivers react? How did I feel in those moments? Are those same feelings showing up for me now?

7. What did my parents/caregivers feel strongly about? What did I get into trouble for? Or what did my caregivers worry about? How does that relate to how I feel about my children in similar circumstances?

8. Are my reactions similar to how my parents reacted to me? Or are my reactions similar to how I felt or reacted when I was scolded or my parents’/caregivers’ upset me? Am I tempted to repeat actions my parents or caregivers chose? Or am I tempted to react in the opposite way – reacting to a parent’s or caregiver’s choices?

9. If I have discovered through my reflections that my words and actions do not align with my deepest values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can I first address those hurts? Do I need to learn more? Do I need to accept my hurt or shame? Can I work to better understand my parent’s perspectives and their challenges?

If you feel anger, spend some time journaling about that feeling and its origins recognizing that your anger is valid and that you must take care of your own feelings first. How can you soften to become compassionate for yourself? Is it possible to find greater understanding for your caregivers and their circumstances, lack of knowledge, and lack of support they were navigating?

Then recognize that the feelings from their origins do not apply in this time and space now. The context, the people, the world — everything is different. So there is a chance to heal the past by focusing on the present and how you can make new, healthier choices.

1. What would be the healthiest choice to make when I reencounter this ghost? How can I help myself make that choice? Do I need time and space to move away in order to calm down first? Do I need reminders of what I plan to do? Do I need to communicate my plan to a partner or friend for accountability?

Write your plan down in your journal. Revisit when you need to so that you are ready.

Be aware that sometimes these ghosts are too much to try and navigate without support. Sometimes the wisest, bravest decision you can make is finding a counselor or therapist who will offer you that necessary support to be able to face into those button-pushing moments and the fears behind them.

Consider the ghost that haunts you frequently and how you feel about your common reaction. Is it guilt, shame, anger, frustration? Now imagine using the plan you’ve just created – and professional support if needed – to bring your highest self to those very moments. Whether that requires you to leave the space, to go inside yourself and breathe, to insist on a pause, and then to respond by affirming feelings, you will feel a sense of empowerment and agency beyond compare. And you’ll never look back. Because you’ve called this ghost on their tricks and just like that, you’ve removed their power over you.

This work is foundational to changing the path for this generation. When we do our deeper work as parents, we feel competent and capable. We fear the ghosts less with our plan for healthy responses at the ready. Even in our busy lives, we are able to channel our deepest values through our reactions to the ghosts when we invest in reflective action and heart-led courage.

May this Halloween bring your family joy, courage, connection, and well-being as you face the darkness together.

Reference:

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.

For Other Halloween Articles and Ideas, check out:

The Best of Confident Parents’ Halloween Posts

Our first edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter for School Communities goes out tomorrow! Don’t forget to sign up for our trial first month free! Sign up here…

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Don’t miss our Inaugural Edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter!Educators, Family Support Specialists, School and District Staff,

Our first issue will go out to those who have signed up free by Wednesday, October 3oth. Our theme is how parents and caregivers can support and inspire hard work, motivation, and persistence at home. There’s no obligation to sign up for the first trial issue and we will not take your credit card! We hope to become an important source of support and reliable guidance for your parents and caregivers as they partner with you to support their children’s learning!

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Introducing… The New Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter Designed for School Communities!You’ve asked! And we’ve listened (and worked really hard to bring this to life!).

After many teachers, school principals, district superintendents, Family Engagement Specialists and more have asked: “how can we offer this research-aligned content to our school community families?,” we’ve created the Confident Parents and Caregivers School Newsletter, a communication vehicle for parents and caregivers created by expert parent educators that offers practical knowledge, strategies, and support.

Through it, parents and caregivers will learn more about:

1. how they can better understand and support their children’s development at each age and stage;
2. how they can support learning at home;
3. how they can manage their toughest family challenges including homework routines and managing technology in healthy ways; and
4. how they can connect to and with you as partners in supporting their children’s learning.

Each newsletter will be:

• Easily accessible – All content will be written for a wide and busy audience at an eighth grade reading level.
• Research-aligned – Just as Confident Parents, Confident Kids has always been committed to sharing research-based tips and strategies, this newsletter will also align with solid research.
• Practical and Relevant – Because all content is written by an expert parent educator who works daily with a diverse range of families, it’s well-informed by the day-to-day practical challenges and opportunities caregivers face.
• Culturally-adaptive and Inclusive – All language will be inclusive. There will be no use of education buzz terms or divisive language. A Spanish edition is available.
• Two-way Communication – The newsletter will offer polls and reflective questions. Responses will be shared back with the school community. And ways parents/caregivers can proactively partner will also be shared.

Parents/Caregivers Can Learn About Their Specific Child’s Development through Grade Level-Specific Tips

In Each Issue:1. Did You Know? – Age/Stage Information 2. Supporting Learning at Home Tip of the Month 3. Focus on a Life Skill (such as, self management) 4. Learning to Use Technology in Healthy Ways Tip 5. Proactive Partnering with Teachers Tip 6. Putting Tips into Action: One Family Tool 7. Tell Us What You Think (Reflection Question or Poll) 2024-25 Monthly Themes:Oct. – Motivation, Hard Work, and Persistence

Nov. – Supporting Learning at Home

Dec. – Dealing with Big Feelings

Jan. – A Fresh Look at Family Routines

Feb. – Promoting Executive Function Skills

Mar. – It’s All about Relationships – Friendship, Collaboration, Conflict, and Getting Along in Family Life

Apr. – We Read Together, We Learn Together

May – Reflecting on a Year of Learning

Aug. – Building Trust and Belonging from the Start

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By Reading, Viewing, Questioning, and Discussing TogetherBy Guest Author Tracy Nemecek

A few summers ago, I taught a class at a local literary center that invited middle school students to take a closer look at diversity, representation, and inclusion in children’s literature. As an undergraduate double major in Psychology and English, I was excited about the opportunity to both teach and learn at the intersection of my academic interests. I found myself feeling energized as I prepared for the course, and later by the students’ interest in the topic. I also came to discover just how useful the information I was presenting in my class could be to me as a parent in my attempts to both model and promote a mindset of curiosity informed by critical thought.

Over the course of the weeklong class, we looked at a variety of children’s books from the 1940’s through the 2000’s and had many thoughtful conversations. The students became interested in looking at their own favorite childhood books to see how the content, characters, and illustrations stood up to the criteria we were using to analyze the stories we had been reading together.

Inspired by my students, I realized I wanted to reflect on a beloved story that I had read in elementary school. After the class came to an end, I talked about it with my daughter (who was in middle school at the time) and we both decided to read one of my favorite childhood books, Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and me, Elizabeth by E. L. Konigsburg, a story about two tween girls who began their relationship around a shared interest in witchcraft and endured some strained dynamics and disagreements to ultimately become friends.1

My daughter and I discussed the book using some of the criteria that I had taught to my students. The points of analysis that we used originate with The Council on Interracial Books for Children’s list of ways to analyze children’s books for racism and sexism.2 Below are a few selections from the list, followed by suggestions for questions you might use as springboards for your own family conversations about books and other media.

• Look for stereotypes, passive/active doers, and visibility/invisibility.

Who are the main characters? What characters are present but in the background? Why do you think the writer made those choices? Do you think the author is suggesting that what is true for one character is true for everyone? Which characters are driving the action or change in the story? How does this look like/look different from our community? Who do you feel is missing from the story?

• Check the power dynamics across relationships and look at the storyline for messages about who is in charge.

Is one character making many/most of the decisions? How did they get to be in charge? What do you think about the kind of leader they are? Why do you think others are willing to follow this leader? Who else could be in charge? How might such a change impact the outcome of the story?

• Consider the potential impact of the story on childrens’ self- and social identities. Is there an opportunity for identification with an array of characters and traits?

What kinds of messages is this story sending about how people should be and act? Do you agree with those messages? What are the standards for beauty, strength, and intelligence? What might it mean for characters who don’t meet those standards? How do you feel about that?

As my daughter and I read and talked together, we engaged with the points and questions in the following ways:

• The story was published in 1967. The two central characters are a black girl (Jennifer) and a white girl (Elizabeth) attending fifth grade in New York state. Jennifer’s racial identity is visible in the illustrations (which are in black and white) but is only mentioned in the text once, and in a small way you could easily miss. My daughter and I talked about visibility/invisibility and what kind of impact a more straightforward focus on the friends’ racial differences might have made on the story overall. We wondered what it might have been like for Jennifer to be the only black student in the school, particularly as the book was published in the midst of the American civil rights movement.
• Jennifer presents herself as a witch when she first meets Elizabeth, and Elizabeth becomes Jennifer’s apprentice in the ways of witchcraft as their relationship develops. This involves the creation of rules and demands that Elizabeth must follow as a part of her “training”, and as a result, Jennifer is portrayed as the one who is more in control of the relationship. As we considered the power dynamics between Jennifer and Elizabeth, we talked about the potential reasons that could explain why Elizabeth was willing to accept Jennifer’s controlling requests, and how a longing for connection might make a person change their standards for respect of self and others.
• The girls’ interactions take place primarily at the local library and the neighborhood park. Jennifer and Elizabeth do not acknowledge each other while at school. As my daughter and I considered the potential impact of the story on readers’ self- and social identities, we were curious about the role that their racial differences might have played in their choice to keep their friendship separate from their school life.

Inspired by our discussion of this book, we have been able to expand our focus to include other books, as well as shows and movies, and reflect on their messaging from a similar point of view. We have talked about the absence of recurring characters from a variety of racial backgrounds on “Friends,” and the insensitivity of including characters of diverse body types and gender and sexual identities primarily for the purposes of setting up running jokes.3 We had a conversation about a warning that appeared on screen before the movie “Sixteen Candles” that appropriately acknowledges a cultural stereotype reflected in the film, and about the noticeable absence of any similar warning about the boundary violations and blatant disregard for the rights and safety of a female character who experiences loss of consciousness after alcohol use.4

In my conversations with both my students and my daughter, we reached the conclusion that we weren’t looking to walk away with two piles of books and other media, one labeled “good/right/okay to continue reading or watching” and the other labeled “bad/wrong/need to discontinue reading or watching”. Instead, we made it clear that we want to be active consumers of information and entertainment who think about how stories and characters align with and are distinct from our own worldviews.

Media selections need to present children with a diversity of perspectives, characters, backgrounds and settings in order to expand their exposure to the variety of traits, personalities, and cultures that comprise our world. However, media that reflects bias can be a powerful teaching tool, too. Books, shows, or movies with problematic representations can give children and the adults who care for them an opportunity to learn how to spot and talk about stereotypes, notice who is and isn’t featured, and think about how they might rewrite a storyline or make changes to an illustration. Ultimately, the decision to continue engaging with a particular book, show, or movie rests with each family, as some sources may not be the right teaching tools to use.

Giving children the power to apply critical thinking skills provides them with an alternative to mindlessly taking in information and believing it is true and accurate simply because it is available. This empowerment can come from and contribute to the strengthening of competencies such as:

Self-awareness: the awareness of values, examination of prejudices and biases, linking values to feelings.

Social awareness: taking others’ perspectives, identifying social norms, and systemic understanding.

Relationship skills: cultural competency, being an upstander.

Responsible decision-making: making informed and reasoned judgments, understanding the operation and application of critical thinking, promoting community well-being.5

The act of applying critical thinking to books and other media doesn’t simply involve offering criticism or deciding if something is right or wrong. Rather, it is a conscious intention to take a closer and more thoughtful look at what we are learning and how we are being entertained. Doing this can enable us to actively participate in creating a more balanced and accurate view of the world and our place in it.

References:

1. Konigsburg, E.L. (1967). Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and me, Elizabeth. Atheneum Books.
2. The Council on Interracial Books for Children. (1980). 10 Quick Ways to Analyze Children’s Books for Racism and Sexism. [Brochure]. The Council on Interracial Books for Children.
3. Bright, K.S., Kauffman, M., & Crane, D. (Producers). (1994–2004). Friends. [Television series]. Bright/Kauffman/Crane Productions and Warner Bros.
4. Green, H.A. (Producer) & Hughes, J. (Director). (1984). Sixteen Candles [Film]. United States: Universal Pictures.
5. What is the CASEL framework? – CASEL. (2023, March 3). CASEL. https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/what-is-the-casel-framework/#responsible

Tracy Nemecek is a parent to two daughters, ages 19 and 16. She is also a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Rochester, NY and an SEL educator who works with both children and adults in a variety of school and community settings.

Learn more at https://intentionalliving-counseling.com.

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By Guest Author Betty Weir

“Children fall in love with books because of the memories created when they snuggle up and read with someone they love.” – Raising Readers

I have been reading aloud to my three children (now ages 9, 9, and 5) on a nightly basis since the day they were born. When I began this routine, I was motivated by creating a nightly ritual that signaled bedtime, as well as bringing back stories like Goodnight Moon and The Very Hungry Caterpillar from my own childhood. There was something soothing about reading the books my mother had read aloud to me to my own children.

As my boys have grown, the bedtime books have evolved. There are now chapter books integrated into the mix. Sometimes one of the older boys reads to himself as I read aloud to the other. And just as the books have shifted and changed with time, so has the actual bedtime routine. In our household, a parent rarely escapes the child’s bed until that child is sound asleep. This phase, which has been going on for four years now, has had some tense moments. There is still an occasional night when I find them begging for “one more book!” or “one more chapter!” coming close to putting me over the edge.

But recently, I had a revelation: the time I spend reading aloud to my three sons is my favorite, most quality parenting time with them. It is the time I look forward to the most. I feel connected with them as we experience the joys that accompany storytelling.

As I reflected as to why these moments are so meaningful to our family, here is what I came up with:

1. Reading Aloud Presents Opportunities To Teach Empathy

By selecting stories with characters who have different cultures, families, homes, experiences, etc. than ourselves, we gain valuable opportunities to teach our children perspective taking and empathy. This is especially important for children from dominant cultural groups. I am a straight, White, female raising three White boys. I see it as my responsibility to share stories with my children that provide them with a window into someone else’s world. Rudine Sims Bishop first wrote about the concept of using literature as a “window” in 1990. She observed, “[Children from dominant social groups] need books that will help them understand the multicultural nature of the world they live in, and their place as a member of just one group, as well as their connections to all other humans.”

When I read The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, A Youth Civil Rights Activist by Cynthia Levinson to my twins when they were six years old, they had a lot of questions. The story opened the “window” into young Audrey’s experience and perspective. My children were introduced to the concept of racial segregation and inequity through a story told in the perspective of a young, Black girl.

I have also turned to picture books when my children have an experience that brings up questions. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have the words to address their questions in the moment. A picture book can provide content that allows children to discover information about human differences. For example, once we were swimming at a pool where a child with patches of different skin colors, known as vitiligo, was also playing. My children were curious, and wanted to know more about the appearance of the child’s skin. These questions tend to make us uncomfortable as adults, yet they are coming from a place of curiosity that can lead to a teachable moment. While I did not feel I had a good response for my children the moment they asked the question, I was able to find the book Skin Like Mine by Latashia M Perry. I used the content of the book to open a conversation about skin color and helped my children make the connection to the child they had seen at the pool.

How do I do this?

1. Find picture books or novels with characters with different backgrounds, races, family structures, cultures, religions, etc. than your child.
2. Read the book aloud to your child. Pause to ask if your child has questions about the story several times throughout.
3. Invite your child to reflect on how the characters in the story are feeling.
4. Provide space for your child to be curious and make sense of the story.
5. Reading Aloud Helps Open Up Conversations About Real-Life Challenges Children Are Facing

“Literature transforms human experience and reflects it back to us, and in that reflection we can see our own lives and experiences as part of the larger human experience. Reading, then, becomes a means of self-affirmation.” (Bishop, 1990).

Just as literature can serve as a window into someone else’s experience, it can also be a mirror into one’s own inner world. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, she went from being a caretaker central to my children’s lives to fighting for her own life and needing our family’s care. During this tumultuous time, I looked to children’s books to help me with getting my children to open up about how they were feeling and to show them that they were not alone in being faced with their grandparent’s mortality.

I found the book, Big Tree Is Sick by Nathalie Slosse to take on the topic of cancer. When their grandma went into hospice care, we read Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tomie diPaola and The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland. These especially helped my four year old with making sense of the abstract concept of death.

There are so many wonderful picture books and novels that take on difficult topics that we face in our lives. If you need help finding a title that connects to a particular challenge your family is facing, your local librarian is a great place to start.

How do I do this?

1. Identify a challenge your child or family is facing.
2. Use the Internet or better yet, a local librarian, to find a book that your child can relate to.
3. Read the book with your child.
4. Pause to ask questions:
   1. “How do you think _______ is feeling? How can you tell?”
   2. “Have you ever felt like [the character] before? What was that like for you?”
5. Reading Aloud Provides A Still, Mindful Time to Bond with Children

My sons are always on the move and it is often difficult to find a time when they are still enough to have a conversation that lasts more than 30 seconds. When a book is opened and a story begins, I can feel my children settle and calm. They focus on the story, the pictures, the words. They ask questions:

“Where is that mouse?!”

“What does [that word] mean?”

“Are the Greek gods real?”

The mouse from Goodnight Moon, the Snuggle Puppy song, and The Little Blue Truck stories will always bring me back to sitting in the blue recliner rocking chair with a one year on my lap old filling in words I left out in the story (because we read the story so many times, they memorized it!). The bonds between parent and child that can be built during this special time are incredible.

How do I do this?

1. Identify a picture book or novel you love that you think your child will love, too.
2. Set aside time to read together for 10-15 minutes each day.
3. Let your child know how much you look forward to that time together and how special it is to you.

So, why read aloud with your child? It’s more than just the benefits of literacy learning. It creates special moments and deepens your bond with your child. It can help a child make sense of complex challenges they are faced with, as well as expose them to new perspectives.

It is memorable.

It is magical.

References:

Bishop, R. S. (1990). Mirrors, windows, and sliding glass doors. Perspectives: Choosing and Using Books for the Classroom, 6(3). The Ohio State University.

Betty Weir is currently the Director of Professional Learning at a K-8 district in Illinois. She has been a school principal and a middle school language arts teacher, as well. Much of her educational experience has centered around literacy and SEL education for children. She is an active parent with her own three sons and has daily opportunities to learn, grow, and repair with her children.

Part Two Next Week!Next week, we take these ideas and further the discussion with guest author Tracy Nemecek’s ideas on how, through dialogue around reading and media consumption, we can build both social awareness and critical thinking skills.

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By Lorea Martinez, Ph.D.

I moved to the United States from Spain seventeen years ago. I still remember the challenges of navigating a new social and cultural context as an English learner and a newly arrived immigrant. It took me years to find my voice and become the person I wanted to be. Mostly, this happened when I realized that I didn’t need to “fit in” or change myself, but I couldn’t ignore my immediate context either. By learning to merge the two, I found a new way of being.

During challenging times, I occasionally met a person who spoke Spanish, a “Hispanic,” as it is known in the U.S. Those were moments of joy. Being able to use my mother tongue, and connect with someone who shared similar struggles, gave me hope and strength. Having spent time in Nicaragua and Peru during my college years, I understood their hopes and dreams, and also their fears. But as a white person, I also knew that the experiences of Latinxs were impacted by the color of their skin.

My first child was born a decade ago. When I held her for the first time, the words that came out of my mouth were:

“Hola cariño” (hello sweetie!)

During the pregnancy, I had been considering which language I should use to communicate with her. But when we first made eye contact, these words came naturally to me without thinking.

I grew up in Catalunya, a region in Spain where the common language is Catalan, but my parents immigrated there from the Northwest side of the country and we spoke Spanish at home. Growing up bilingual had many advantages, as I could easily switch from one language to the other without effort, and I developed a love for languages.

However, during my childhood, kids were very aware of which language you spoke at home and which one you decided to use to communicate with others. You could feel included or excluded in different settings based on your home language. As a small child, I interpreted that speaking fluent Catalan was key to being seen as a local and not a foreigner.

As I held this newborn and the first Spanish words were shared, I knew that it was important for her to speak the language of her mother and grandparents, and develop an appreciation for her heritage. Even if this meant that, at times, she would be seen as different because she spoke a different language.

Today, we know the many benefits of being bilingual. Compared to non-bilingual peers, bilingual students have an easier time understanding math concepts and solving word problems; developing strong thinking skills; using logic, focusing, remembering, and making decisions; thinking about language; and learning other languages.

At the same time, we know that being bilingual supports children in maintaining strong ties with their family, culture, and community. It is important for children to build pride in their heritage, as it encourages the development of a healthy identity, strengthens a positive self-image and provides protection against bias and discrimination.

Despite these benefits, many bilingual or multilingual students in the U.S., particularly our Indigenous, Asian, Hispanic, and Latinx communities, attend schools that don’t consider these students’ language practices in the educational program which lead to students internalizing harmful messages about themselves. Instead of celebrating this strength, many students hide the fact that they speak more than one language, so they can be seen as normal.

As parents, we have an important role to play in creating caring and inclusive homes and communities, and planting the seeds to reduce discrimination. We can help normalize that children and parents in our communities may speak more than one language, and embrace this fact as a gift.

If you have bilingual and/or multilingual children in your community, you can support them by:

• teaching your own children to appreciate diversity;
• questioning any racial and ethnic stereotypes;
• encouraging your children in getting to know children from other races and cultures and their languages better; and
• becoming their allies in schools, faith-based organizations and the larger community as a family so your children will learn from your modeling.

This support can help create new bonds, strengthen relationships, and develop new friendships in our communities.

Check out Lorea’s book both in Spanish and in English:

Pedagogía con corazón

Teaching with the Heart in Mind

Resources:

US Department of Education. The Benefits of Being Bilingual – A Review for Teachers and Other Early Education Program Providers.

España, C. and Herrera., Y.L. (2020). En Comunidad: Lessons for Centering the Voices and Experiences of Bilingual Latinx Students. Portsmouth, NH: Heinemann.

Confident Parents, Confident Kids Parenting Tools in Spanish

We are celebrating Hispanic Heritage month. Here are some events and ways you can recognize the month.

Dr. Lorea Martínez is the award-winning founder of HEART in Mind Consulting, a company dedicated to helping schools and organizations integrate Social Emotional Learning in their practices, products, and learning communities. An educator who has worked with children and adults internationally, Dr. Martínez is a faculty member at Columbia University Teachers College, educating aspiring principals in Emotional Intelligence. Her second book for educators, Teaching with the HEART in Mind, is currently available. Previously, she was a special education teacher and administrator. Originally from Costta Brava, Spain and now in San Francisco, CA, Lorea is a mother to two daughters. Learn more at loreamartinez.com

Originally published Sept. 29, 2022.

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Don’t Miss This District-Approved Tool for ParentsBy Guest Author Erin Lillie-McMains

Educational platforms that offer rapid feedback and a way to track your child’s progress on tests, quizzes, and assignments are part of the landscape at most schools. When parents start interacting with these platforms, their natural first line of questions often centers around what I would call, the “nuts and bolts.” “How do I set up the account? How do I access the data I desire?” After a couple months however, most parents start to ask questions such as, “How often should I check the platform?”, “Is it good for my child to feel like I’m watching his every move?”, and “How do I keep my anxiety over a missing assignment in check so I don’t cause a spike in anxiety in my child?”

This past Spring, I wrote an article calling on schools and parents to consider how to establish healthy tech boundaries when using rapid feedback educational platforms. This flier and infographic is a follow up to that article. It is simply a list of tips and guiding questions for parents to think about as they start interacting with educational platforms. It might be useful as a hand out at a Curriculum or Back-to-School Night for 6th grade parents, who are just starting to interact with these platforms. It could also be included with other technology forms and agreements that get sent out at the beginning of the school year. There are several potential uses and of course, I encourage schools to modify and customize the flier in order to meet the specific needs of parents in their community.

Here it is:

Confident Parents, Confident Kids is so grateful to Erin Lillie-McMains for her time, expertise, creativity, and initiative in following up on her article which elevated an important school problem to create a tool that can help solve it! Fantastic! We celebrate you!

Erin Lillie-McMains is an L.C.S.W. and middle school social worker in the greater Chicagoland area. She has worked with adolescents for twenty-four years and helped a school based team implement Social Emotional Learning curricula. Most importantly, she is a parent of two high schoolers and one middle schooler.

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As a little girl, I often sang the lyrics, “let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.” I sang with gusto but did not ever reflect on what that meant. Is peace merely the opposite of war? As a change-maker in my adult years, I’ve spent years reflecting on related questions — how do you create peace? — peace of mind, peace of heart, peace in the world? When I took the helm as director of the Center for Peace Education, it became a mission for me. The idea of peace transformed from a condition and a setting to a learned set of skills that anyone and everyone can be engaged in practicing.

This weekend, the United Nations declares Saturday the International Day of Peace. They define peace as “not only is it the absence of conflict, but also (peace) requires a positive, dynamic participatory process where dialogue is encouraged and conflicts are solved in a spirit of mutual understanding and cooperation.” It’s not enough to just get along. But instead as individuals, as organizations, as countries, we must learn to grow our collaborative relationships actively and continually.

Yet, I do believe it begins with me in my relationships and so this is a chance to examine once again how peace is beginning with me. And again, the proving ground it seems is home – and family life. With those we love and count on daily, we have the chance to practice over and again the hardest, most challenging skills. These skills have two layers — our own practices and how we teach our children — and they remain inextricably linked, interdependent. These may include:

• returning to a centered, focused, grounded place in your body, heart, and spirit;
• dealing with darker emotions constructively;
• solving problems collaboratively with loved ones;
• learning from differences in opinions;
• working through disagreements in healthy ways;
• taking ownership of one’s own roles and feelings in a problem;
• seeking empathy and understanding for another’s pain or role in a conflict;
• holding paradox with grace and patience such as, my emotional needs may conflict with your needs;
• repairing harm when we are the cause of hurt or harm;
• clearing the air directly with the individual in conflict versus avoiding or circumventing by going to others;
• seeking and offering forgiveness; and
• restoring trust and deepening connection.

Though peace involves skills, it can also be helped along with the right conditions. Playing soothing music in your home sets a tone of calm. Burning candles or using a diffuser with essential oils engages your senses and can lead to feelings of comfort and safety. Opening windows, bringing the fresh air in, and listening to the sounds of nature and humanity outside can offer calm (or not, if you are in the city like I am! :). Consider the conditions of your living space and how they might be more conducive to creating calm.

Through the years, Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ has published a number of articles and tools for parents around this topic of dealing with conflict in healthy and growth-filled ways (much more than are listed below!). Creating peace in family life requires the active exercising of a full range of social and emotional skills — those same skills that will nourish our child and teen’s thriving today and for their future. So I cannot imagine a more important mission in family life than to practice peace.

Check out the following curated articles and tools that may offer specific support for whatever you most need to work on in your family.

Whole Family Conflict:Fighting Fairly Family Pledge

Developing Family Guidelines for Fighting Fairly

Teaching Children Healthy Ways to Manage Conflict: Peace Rose

Using the Family Peace Rose to Resolve Conflicts

Promoting Sibling Kindness for All Ages

Promoting Sibling Kindness For All Ages

Stop, Think, Go! Practicing Problem-Solving for Your Family

Stop, Think, Go! Problem-Solving Practice for Your Family

Open-Hearted Dialogue; Tackling Difficult Topics While Making Meaning Together

Open-Hearted Dialogue; Tackling Difficult Topics While Making Meaning Together

Power Dynamics and ConflictLessons from Aikido; Managing Power Struggles with Skill

Parenting Lessons from Aikido: Managing Power Struggles with Skill

Nonviolence as a Lever of Change…Learning from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Nonviolence as a Lever of Change…Learning from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Parents, Kids and Bullying Behaviors — What Can We Do?

Parents, Kids and Bullying Behaviors – What Can We Do?

Parent-Child ConflictThe Conflict Code

The Conflict Code

Groundhog’s Day with Parent-Child Battles

Groundhog’s Day with Parent-Child Battles

Dealing with Big FeelingsDo You Have an Emotional Safety Plan?

Do You Have an Emotional Safety Plan?

ForgivenessTeaching your Child or Teen to Forgive

Teaching your Child or Teen to Forgive

Learn more about the United Nation’s International Day of Peace here.

May you discover ways in which to actively cultivate peace in yourself and your family.

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Confident Parents’ Founder/Author Jennifer Miller is featured today on the CivilTalk Podcast, a platform that serves as a haven for university students where they can convene, engage, and hone their civility skills together. Jennifer speaks with Topacio Althaus, the host of CivilTalk.

We consider questions like:

• How do you ensure civil talk happens in family life when our national political climate is so divided?
• How do schools build the necessary skills to promote civil talk?
• How can families deal with the complications of technology at home? Does that add or take away from civil talk — and what to do about it?
• And how can parents promote essential life skills like empathy, self awareness, self management and more in the messy, raw context of family life?

You can check out the full episode on…

• the CivilTalk Podcast site: https://www.civiltalk.com/podcast/building-an-emotionally-aware-family-insights-from-sel-expert-jennifer-miller/
• Or all streaming platforms. Here is the RSS link: https://rss.com/podcasts/civiltalk/

Check it out! And thank you for a great dialogue, Topacio!

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I have a single quote inside my kitchen cabinet that I see daily as I make breakfast. It reads, “where focus goes, energy grows.” As I’ve focused on this idea, it’s helped me notice more often where my attention and focus are trained throughout a given day. If I have a hope, desire, or goal I’m working toward, I know that my conscious focus needs to be on that hope daily if I want to move closer toward it, if I want it to grow.

Intentions bring a sense of meaning and purpose to how you show up in life. It orients your mindset in a particular direction. And research confirms it is one key to achieving goals.1 Do you want to increase your friendships? Setting an intention to be a good friend may help you focus on how you might bring about more friendships in your life. “Intentions create an integrated state of priming, a gearing up of our neural system to be in the mode of that specific intention: We can be readying to receive, to sense, to focus, to behave in a certain manner,” wrote Daniel Siegel in The Mindful Brain.2 Of course, once you train your brain to focus in a particular area, it requires self management (a higher order thinking skill) to be able to stay focused on that area. But if you’ve articulated your intention to someone you love, there is an accountability in sharing it.

So how do we use the power of intentions in family life? The beginning of the school year seems an ideal time to help your child set their own personal intention for this coming school year to help them focus on how they want to show up. And with a bit of reflection as a family, your child can express their intention so they prime themselves for that focus over the coming weeks and months. With this understanding of where your child wants to focus their attention, you will understand best how you can support them. The intention can be simple and single-focused. And in fact, it loses its power if you attempt to load it down with all of their goals, hopes, and wishes. So focusing on one area, maybe an area where they haven’t focused before, can help them develop a new capacity. Their intention can also help to serve as an anchor and reminder of their focus when competing demands divide attention. You can provide gentle reminders of their intention they can always return to.

In addition, you as a parent/caregiver can benefit tremendously from setting your own intention for the school year. As you attempt to manage supporting your child’s learning when home as well as your own work and other key relationships and responsibilities, setting an intention can train your own focus when you turn your attention to all efforts related to your child’s school.

Here’s a dinner conversation starter to help you begin the thinking with your family.

Family 1-2-3 Questions – Conversation Starter:

1. Who do you admire? And Why? Or simply what traits in other people do you admire?

2. Are any of those traits you admire challenging for you?

3. Where do you want to improve and learn this year?

Parents can model and think through their own responses to this question related to the school year. You might consider:

1. Who in education or teaching do you admire?

2. What traits do you admire that challenge you?

3. Where do you want to improve in your own role as your child’s learning support this year?

Formulate a simple, short intention statement from this. Some examples might be:

• I will to work hard and bring my best effort to all assignments.
• I will show kindness to my teacher and classmates.
• I will be open to new friendships this year.
• I will create space for a caring relationship with my child’s teacher.

Write these down. Keep them at the ready. School will get hard. Work will challenge your student. Teacher’s expectations may challenge you. Return when you feel that challenge to your intention statement. How can it help you stay focused? How can you use it to remind your child of their focus?

We all require support as we attempt to do hard work. And the relationships of school which determine whether or not we learn are just as hard work as the worksheets, tests, and projects that make up the curriculum. Setting your sights as a family on how each individual can meaningful contribute to a safe, healthy, caring and supportive school year will help you all focus your attention together on making the most of your child’s year of learning ahead. And that’s powerful.

References:

Gollwitzer, P. M. (1993). Goal Achievement: The Role of Intentions. European Review of Social Psychology, 4(1), 141–185. https://doi.org/10.1080/14792779343000059

Siegel, D.J. (2007). The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being.NY: W.W. Norton & Company.

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By Guest Author Liza Adams

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Your alarm goes off in the morning. If you’re like me, you hit the snooze button (at least) one time before pushing yourself to get moving. You get up and begin your morning routine — shower, get dressed, brush teeth, have breakfast — all of the things you need to do to ensure you are able to kick off your day in a way that checks all the boxes necessary before heading out the door.

As a parent, your morning routine has more complexity. On top of making sure you are checking all of the boxes needed for yourself to confidently start the day, you have the responsibility of overseeing that your child’s routine is in motion and that all of their boxes are being checked. Not to mention, for those with more than one child, that checklist is multiplied!

Routines and checklists are great! They offer guidance and predictability. However, they can’t guarantee the ‘perfect morning’ all on their own, especially when it comes to our children. Try as we may, there always seem to be barriers that work against our ability to get ourselves and those dependent upon us out the door effectively and efficiently.

There are two specific barriers which we have discovered to be particularly present in our home and, in speaking with other parents, have learned are common in other households as well: punctuality anxiety and a lack of planning.

Barrier #1: Punctuality Anxiety

Many of us are beholden to a place of employment that relies on us to arrive for work on time and on top of that, punctuality is imperative for positive performance. For instance, someone who is a doctor that has their first patient being prepped for the operating room doesn’t have the same kind of ‘wiggle room’ with timing as someone whose employment situation offers a little more flexibility. Not to mention, in some families, there is a bus to catch for school!

The way punctuality anxiety shows up in our household is when one of our children chooses to spend an especially long time completing one of the routine tasks. Thus begins my inner monologue as I try to stay composed: Why is Maggie needing to tell me all about gym class yesterday in the process of brushing her teeth? Must that REALLY happen now when I need to leave the house in five minutes to get to work on time?! Then, all it takes is one more second of time needed beyond my control and my inner monologue lashes outward “I have to leave this house in five minutes in order to get to work on time, why are you telling me this story now? We have the whole ride to school and you can tell me about it then!” Next thing I know, my daughter is having a meltdown triggered by my yelling at her… a meltdown that now adds ten more unplanned minutes to the morning routine…(not to mention the fact that now we are both frustrated and stressed).

Barrier #2: Lack of Planning

These days it seems inevitable that we start our morning routine only to make a discovery such as, “Oh no! It’s the first day of his new swim class at school and his favorite swimsuit isn’t washed!” or “Today’s the day she is supposed to turn in her homework, and only one of the two pages is done!” or “Mother Nature threw us a curveball: an early fall tornado!” Next thing you know, you are frantically throwing things in the laundry for a ‘Quick Wash’ cycle or running down to the basement to take shelter and wait while losing precious seconds. Or you’re anxiously coaxing your child through that second page of homework while packing lunches…

Are these barriers familiar to you? Here’s the good news… the power to knock them down lies within you! While neither my husband nor I would say we have ‘nailed it’ in using these, here are some proactive strategies that we have found to work rather well as of late:

1. Set your alarm earlier! It’s amazing what ten extra minutes can do to allay your anxiety.
2. If you have a caregiving partner at home, cross-check daily schedules with them! Is their schedule more flexible to allow for them to drive your child to school on a particular day? Then, your daughter can afford the time to share every last detail of that gym class story!
3. Keep an updated and detailed calendar. We have found the ‘Notes’ section on our shared digital calendar to be especially helpful such as, “Grandpa is the one picking up Daniel from preschool today.”
4. Carve out time the evening before to review the calendar and strategize for what’s “on deck” for the day ahead. What’s the weather prediction? Will it impact road conditions? Is tomorrow the day that homework is due? “Oh look! It’s his first swim class tomorrow. Better get his favorite swimsuit washed tonight! Her well-child doctor’s visit is tomorrow! Did we figure out who is picking her up early from school to take her? My first meeting tomorrow is especially important to be punctual for. I’d better ask my partner to be on drive-to-school duty!”

With that in mind, we are all human and because of a myriad of variables, we can’t always be so on top of planning ahead. Here are some in-the-moment strategies that we have used and found to be helpful:

1. Onboard a strategy or two that helps you to maintain composure as best as you can when you feel anxious. The more composed you stay, the more likely your child is to stay the course. “Deep breaths” may work for some people, but not everyone. Perhaps walking out of the room for a minute or tapping your thumbs to each of your fingers or another calming strategy is helpful for settling your own feelings.
2. Let natural consequences take their course! If you end up being late to work and have a stressful day of running late to every meeting because you didn’t know there was going to be a major storm causing difficult road conditions, ideally it’ll remind you to look ahead at the weather and plan accordingly next time. Reflect with your whole family! Children benefit from learning about those natural consequences and how you’ll take steps to create safety when facing unexpected events. Together, make a solid plan for next time.

As you consider what you’ve read, I encourage you to ask yourself: Do “manic mornings” happen in my house? Do I find myself getting anxious when I am worried about a stand-still in our family’s morning routine? Is there a way I can plan ahead more effectively to help mornings move more smoothly?

While it is impossible to guarantee a ‘perfect’ morning routine all of the time, employing strategies like these can ideally help you towards kicking off the day as effectively and efficiently as possible!

Liza’s Favorite Recommended Resources Include:

Conscious Discipline – Check out their website with free resources that for educators and parents alike.

The Awakened Family; How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children by Shefali Tsabary, PhD.

The Secrets of Happy Families; Improve your Mornings, Tell your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play and Much More by Bruce Feiler

Liza Adams is Co-Director of Early Childhood Services at The Mandel JCC’s Early Childhood Center in Beachwood, Ohio. She has been working in the field of early childhood education since 2008 after graduating from Ohio State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Human Development and Family Science. Liza went on to obtain her Master’s degree in Jewish Education from Siegal College, and participated in the Jewish Early Childhood Education Leadership Institute that encouraged inquiry and reflective practice, development of leadership, and building of school culture. Liza is passionate about partnering with caregivers to cultivate an environment for young children in which high-quality care and trusted relationships are foundational, play is the way for curiosity to take its course, and there is a positive approach to social-emotional learning and behavioral guidance. Liza is also the mother of a daughter in elementary school and a son in preschool.

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”

– C.S. Lewis

Whether your child speaks the desire or not, most if not all children enter the school year with a hope of cultivating new friends. Yet, our children may not feel comfortable initiating a conversation or have well-rehearsed the social skills needed to grow a friendship. It can require great courage to risk possible rejection to go up to someone brand new to begin a conversation. If your preschool age child once played side by side with peers and began a friendship by bumping their toy cars into one another, that easy start can become more complex as children grow. “How do I just talk to someone I don’t know?“, “What if no one is playing a game I like?” and “What if I ask to play and they say ‘No.’? are real concerns. Social anxiety can strike at any moment. Kids don’t often know how to cope with those worries and turn to you for guidance. So how do you help your child through those times while supporting their social skill development?

We know that whether at school or in an extracurricular activity, friendships will add to a child’s comfort and enjoyment and can even determine whether they’ll participate in the first place. Research studies confirm that friendships can contribute to a student’s academic performance. Studies have concluded that for both elementary and middle school students, those that have significant friendships at school have a higher motivation for working toward social and academic goals.1 A teacher writes:

“We expect our elementary and middle school students to have mastered these skills before they reach our classrooms. In fact, many of the problems we solve daily are not related to academics but to our students’ undeveloped social skills.“2

Indeed, friendships and a sense of belonging at school can directly address the chronic absenteeism problem that schools has faced since the pandemic. Each student who has at least one treasured friendship – their go-to buddy – has greater incentive to get to school each day.

For teachers, making relationship building a priority at the beginning of the school year can not only eliminate some of those social anxieties that get in the way of learning, they can motivate a child to engage and work hard with friends at their side throughout the school year. Developing friendships and being able to collaborate with peers requires multiple skills that must be learned and practiced over time. And it’s not enough for students to learn to create a friendship with those who are just like they are. Additionally, teachers and parents need to build the skills of accepting and working with students who are different from you. Caring classroom communities not only help students discover their commonalities but also recognize, celebrate and focus on the uniqueness and importance of differences.

Though you may feel as a parent that you have little influence on friend-making at school when you are not present, that’s not exactly true. There are numerous ways you can offer valuable practice in friendship skills at home. Practicing some of these skills over the coming weeks as all students are newly back to school can help set your child up for success setting the tone for a school year where they feel a sense of belonging and care.

Here are some ideas to try out.

For Preschool and Elementary School Age Children

Model.

Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child accompanies you to model introductions to people. Perhaps when you go buy school supplies, this could be your chance. You may go to the same store each week but do you know the names of the employees that assist you? Introduce yourself and your child.

“Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”

Be sure and take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some kids at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”

Practice at home.

For younger children, get out three or four of your child’s stuffed friends and have them join you for a snack after school. Start by making your own introduction of one to another. Then, have your child do the rest of the introductions. “Seal meet Wayne, the bunny. You both like playing legos with Amanda.” Share one commonality and one difference. My son loved this game and looks for opportunities to introduce puppets, trains, cars and other friends that have not yet met. Remember to point out the small aspects you may take for granted to set your child up for success. Nonverbals matter! For example, “I looked at him in the eyes. I smiled and then, I offered my name.“

For older children into middle school, you can involve them in introductions by play acting with them and engaging them in fun. Talk about how it can feel awkward to introduce yourself. Maybe share a story of a time you felt awkward or silly but made an introduction anyway and were glad you did. Show them how you did it. “I just walked up and said ‘I see you are reading that great book. I read it last summer and loved it. I’m Amanda.’” Recognize that it will take some courage to approach a peer. Offer simple ways to join in a game, just sit down, or introduce a topic to get through the awkward first step and move on to getting to know others. It helps to consider questions your child might ask to open up conversation like, “what do you like to do at recess?” Or “who was your favorite teacher last year?“

Create new attitudes around differences.

If your child’s classroom teacher is not intentional about building classroom community and inclusive connections, children may tend toward creating small groups and leaving children out. Your child does not need to be dear friends with every child but they do need to show acceptance and respect and get along with every child in the class. After all, they’ll have plenty of interactions and may even need to work with each of their peers on academic projects. How you talk about differences at home matters greatly. How can you notice when you are talking about classmates, neighbors, or any person outside of your immediate family? Now is the time to use your best self management skills and exercise curiosity (versus judgment with differences). When differences arise — “they don’t think like we do.” — the essential question becomes, “what can we learn from that difference?” Judgment of classmates at home leads to judgment of classmates at school. Set your child up for success in the classroom by curbing any judgment and showing acceptance and curiosity for uniqueness. Look for the (at times, hidden) gifts of each individual! When your child comes home from school talking judgmentally about another child, use your best life coaching approach. You might respond,

“every child in your class has a gift whether it’s clear to you or not. Your special trick can be finding that gift. Do you know what it is for the classmate you’re talking about?”

Ask about free times like lunchtime and recess.

There are very few free moments during the school day when children choose what they can do and with whom they can do it but lunch and recess are often those times. It can be so difficult to find someone to sit with at lunch when looking out at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Talk about this and what your child might do. Model simple language that he can use. “Can I sit with you?” is all it takes – that and a lot of courage – to sit down with a new group of students and have lunch. Talking about it with you and helping your child see that everyone has those feelings of awkwardness at one point or another may give him the courage needed to take that first step.

Provide reinforcing comments.

As your child tells you about attempts to make new friends, reinforce what she is doing. “I notice you introduced yourself today. That kind of bravery is going to pay off, just wait, and see.” It may take a number of tries to make a connection that lasts beyond the lunch period. Also, it’s tempting to ask about and judge the kids with whom she is connecting. You may know the parents or have seen the potential friends through school interactions. We know that peers can be a significant influence on our child and we want it to be a positive one. However, because it can feel so challenging to make connections and kids are still trying to figure out in which group they belong, allow them some space to take healthy risks and try out new friendships.

Teach to repair harm.

Making friends is hard enough but keeping friends can represent another level of social skills. After all, there are no perfect friends. Each will make mistakes and hurt one another. The trick when hurt or harm occurs is that your child knows how to make amends. Teach that their next choice can be a better choice to heal the relationship. They may feel hurt too. So they need practice at home — with you, with siblings, with neighborhood friends. When they cause harm (and it may be inadvertent), how can they accept their role and responsibility and make things better? Can they offer an apology face to face? Can they mend a broken toy, offer a hug, or write a note? There are many ways that friends can repair harm done. Yet so often, when conflict arises, children’s coping strategies lead to more harm (silent treatment, blame, contempt, and more). They need your coaching and your support in generating ideas for what they can do to create healing when they have calmed down and are ready. You can assure them that (if harm was done on multiple sides) taking responsibility for their part is the right thing to do. They do not have control over anyone else’s behavior, only their own.

Have patience and give it time.

Though at times, it may be challenging to see your child struggling to simply walk up to a group of kids to engage in play, slow your own mind down. Recall your own socially awkward moments as a child. Perhaps even remember times as an adult that it’s been tough to walk, for example, into a brand new workplace and begin relationships. Thinking about your own tough times in starting friendships can help extend your own patience while realizing that, for a child in the midst of social anxieties, it can be a significant and all-consuming challenge. Your guidance and show of confidence that they can do it will help them take the risks they need to take in order to develop those critical relationships.

Children often begin with the advantage of a core common interest – camp, school, sports. If your child initiates a conversation, that may be all that is needed to forge a friendship. Have those discussions, model, practice, and reinforce their courageous efforts as they make attempts. Root for your child in connecting with each person in their class. Those small supports you provide can go a long way toward helping your child find the confidence for making healthy friendships.

For a related article:

What’s in a Name? Teaching Children the Art of Introductions

Healthy Relationships: The Cornerstone of Gratefulness

References:

1. DuBois, D. L., Felner, R. D., Brand, S., Adan, A. M., & Evans, E. G. (1992). A prospective study of life stress, social support, and adaptation in early adolescence. Child Development, 63,542-557.
2. Watson, M., Ecken, L. (2003). Learning to Trust; Transforming Difficult Elementary Classrooms through Developmental Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
3. Harter, S. (1996). Teacher and classmate influences on scholastic motivation, self-esteem, and level of voice in adolescents. In J. Juvonen & K. R. Wentzel (Eds.), Social motivation: Understanding children’s school adjustment (pp. 11-42). New York: Cambridge University Press.
4. Wentzel, K. R. (1994). Relations of social goal pursuit to social acceptance, classroom behavior, and perceived social support. Journal of Educational Psychology, 86, 173-182.

Adapted from original published on September 5, 2013.

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As we pass through the family orientation at my son’s high school, we stop and connect with many students, teachers, parents, and administrators. Particularly with the students, we ask how each is feeling about returning to school. And though I always get a thrill with the start of school, these students are feeling other emotions – anxiousness, sorrow, and even some dread. “There’s so much work ahead,” one said already exasperated. Friend drama, tough class schedules, and college applications loom and you can sense how it feels daunting for these rising juniors. When I asked teens and parents what their hopes and dreams were for this school year, they had many specific goals at the ready including getting a driver’s license, surviving calculus, heading to state championships for soccer, narrowing down a path toward a college major, and mastering executive function skills like organizing, planning, and managing their multiple goals and considerable work load.

Depending on the age and stage of the students in your home, some of these feelings may resonate. Or you may have younger children who are holding many fears of new teachers, new peers, and new academic challenges along with hopes for making friends, having some fun at lunch and recess, and connecting with their teacher.

Although differing grade levels and ages will anticipate in differing ways, they’ll surely share the fact that the start of school produces many feelings for students, faculty, and parents alike. That’s why, there a couple key points to remember in these first days:

1. Everyone deserves grace and patience. Nerves can make anyone scramble for words, or fumble for the right school supply needed. No one needs to be or act perfectly from the start though that’s precisely what so many of our students — and teachers! – expect of themselves. Take time with each other and offer plenty of patience for each person to get into a groove. Just as an orchestra may know their individual parts, it takes considerable time, consistency, and rehearsal to come together to make harmonious music.
2. The start of school is a process – a season – and not a single day. With each new day, there’s an opportunity to learn a name and connect to a unique passion or interest so that you truly remember it. This also means that there’s plenty of time to hope and dream together; to set intentions together; and to establish boundaries or ground rules together at school. And at home, there’s plenty of time to consider home routines like morning, after school, dinnertime, homework time, and bedtime and how plans for consistency and responsibilities around these routines can add to our children’s sense of safety and ability to learn and grow.
3. More rest, quiet, and renewal is needed at the end of each day. Because our students are using every ounce of self control and focus they have during these new school days, they will likely come home tired (and perhaps, grumpy too). Make time and space for extra care, extra down time, extra rest so that your home can be a respite amidst all of the pressures of the school day.

Confident Parents, Confident Kids has been reflecting on back to school season for twelve years now! And we’ve accumulated many articles and supports to help us all in this time of transition. Here are some of our best of… back to school!

Big Feelings with Transitions…

Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Well-being Going Back to School

How do you create a smooth transition into the school year for your child and with your family? Check out these ideas!

Dealing with Back to School Butterflies

How do you coach your child is dealing with their nerves on those first days back? Here are some tips!

Three Tips for Easing Back to School Stress

This one is a video with founder Jennifer Miller offering her three tips for dealing with back to school time stress.

Sleep and Other Routines…

Sleep, Teens, and Back to School Season

Yes, for teens, getting up early can be a truly difficult task as they fight their very biology that’s geared for staying up late and getting up even later. Check out these transition tips!

Helping Your Child Calm their Mind at Bedtime; Getting Into the Back to School Sleep Routine

Children’s minds are racing at the end of day with so many new challenges, relationships, and environments. They may even generate more energy as their body pushes through these first big days. Help them calm themselves so that they get enough to sleep to feel good and bring their best through these first few weeks.

Establishing or Reinventing Home Routines for Learning Success

Yes, home routines matter and directly impact learning. In fact, they may be one of the most significant ways in which parents can impact a child’s learning in school. Take some time to learn about how you can establish or reinvent your home routines so that they best promote learning.

A Giant Leap…Kindergarten…

Adjusting to Kindergarten; Exhilarating, Exhausting, and Emotional

Your transition into kindergarten with a young children can feel like a giant leap for the whole family. Your child will be required to learn a whole new way of “doing school” and they’ll need to use every ounce of self control they can muster to focus and adhere to those new school rules and routines. They’ll be big emotions at home as they release the pressure that has been building all day. Parents, you definitely can use some extra support! Check out these helpful tips from one of our most popular articles ever!

Parent/Caregiver Engagement in Schools and Learning…

How to Kickstart Your School Year with a Strong Parent-Teacher Partnership by Jenny Woo, PhD.

What are ways parents can effectively communicate in these early weeks that establish a positive relationship with their child’s teacher? These seeds planted can grow into a trusting, valued relationship that serves your child throughout the school year. Dr. Woo gives her best tips!

Discovering Treasures; Roles of and Opportunities for Parents in the First Six Weeks of School

Though parents can attend open houses and meet and greet teachers, they may not learn exactly what their roles and responsibilities are for the school year. So often, we, as parents, are left to figure out ways we can be a meaningful contributor. Check out these tips for parents!

And finally, schools and districts…Don’t miss our new Fall workshops for parents and caregivers and our new research-backed family-school partnership program entitled Listening Spaces!

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Jennifer Miller, founder/author of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, sat down Sunday morning (yesterday) with the Good Morning Columbus (Ohio) team at WSYX ABC 6. Grateful to be in a caring, connected city where families are valued and celebrated. Check out our discussion about confident parents and the back to school season here.

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The buzz of back to school season is here. We are shopping, getting class schedules, and mentally and emotionally adjusting ourselves to the fact that the start of school is just around the corner. In my son’s school, we have a brand new Head of School. And we’ve asked each other the questions we are wondering about: what will she be like? What changes will she bring about? Will they be welcome additions? Will there be aspects we don’t like as much? A change in teachers, coaches, or advisors may excite and enervate parents and students alike anticipating starting back.

This particular Head of School sent a note out to the entire school community introducing herself. In her note, she stated plainly that she planned to devote the whole first year to listening and learning about the school community before setting a vision or making sweeping changes. Immediately, I knew we were in good hands. Her intention and willingness to listen gave me a sense of calm and confidence that her leadership was going to make a positive difference. She wants to discover the strengths and goodness already present and build on it. But this is not the norm…

Listening is a highly underrated, under-discussed and attended to skill. And it is a skill — learnable, teachable, and practicable. In fact, in school, about six years is devoted to formal reading instruction though 16% of our lives is spent reading, 30% speaking, and 45% listening.1 Research confirms that when students have learned something new, they lose one half to one third of that new knowledge within eight hours.2 Imagine what happens in a classroom during a lesson – lectures, maybe small group discussions, directions or logistics communicated. These all require listening.

We might add to these conditions that listening is a naturally difficult task (and more so, if you add any neuro-diversity to the mix!). The fact is that we think much faster than we talk. So when we are listening, we think at a higher speed and that thinking can take us for a ride – around the block, around our to do list, around judgment of the speaker – none of which is actually contributing to our comprehending of what we are hearing. All that spare time for thinking can actually be used wisely to enhance our listening skills. But only if we are trained and practiced in doing so. We’ll get back to those practices in a minute. But first, why should listening be the focus in back to school time for families?

In addition to some of the obvious reasons that come to mind in understanding a teacher’s instructions or comprehending a lesson, there is a much more fundamental reason for a whole family, indeed a whole school community to focus on listening in the back to school season. And that is: belonging and connection. Our sense of safety, of caring, of trusting relationships begins with the small practice of listening. When someone focuses their attention on us, we feel seen, heard, and valued. We feel understood. And we feel we matter. Even if the other person disagrees with our opinions, they’re willingness to listen with an open mind and open heart offer us a generous space for being recognized as important, worthy of someone’s time and attention. Every student needs to feel that they are seen, heard and valued. And parents and caregivers too need that kind of acceptance in the school community as learning partners especially since they are unable to be present as much as students and staff are present.

Why not just focus on the basics? Why does a focus on belonging, on listening, on relationships matter so much? In fact, it is the core of learning — necessary — not icing on the cake. Bottom line, “no significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” Thank you, Dr. James Comer, Professor of Child Psychiatry at Yale University. As we consider how all learning partners are involved in our children and teen’s success including staff, educators, administrators, parents, and students, a focus on listening helps us meet so many of our goals to build caring relationships and create the conditions necessary for our child’s success.

So how can we work on it? How can we focus on it? The topic seems so simple and so challenging all at once. Here are some tips to get us started.

Practice Now with Back to School Preparations.

We may engage in a number of activities preparing for school before we even enter the school building. Shopping for clothes and supplies may offer a start. At home, we’ll be organizing and labeling, closing up summer engagements (goodbye camp, swimming pool, or summer job!), and connecting with friends to seize final summer opportunities or meet with school friends to anticipate the start together. As these activities unfold, we’ll be talking about what’s to come. These moments offer us a chance to be intentional about our listening. How can we listen for our child or teen’s feelings that hid behind the words they are using? How can we reflect back what we are hearing so that are self aware as they move toward school? Are there stories of learning triumph or learning defeat or friendship success or friendship failure that are coming out? How can our ability to create an open space for acceptance and vulnerability help them build confidence for the year ahead?

Create Your Own Intentions for the Back to School Season.

It’s a short window of time – between 3-6 weeks – when we have this shimmering moment of opportunity to meet people and build caring relationships. If we bring our best, most present self to this brief timeframe, we might cultivate seeds that will grow throughout the entire school year. Teachers have a lot to communicate in these first weeks. We can listen for understanding, listen for clarity, and listen to show we deeply care about our children’s education.

Cultivate an Open Heart and Open Mind.

As adults, we listen for gaps, flaws, and problems to fix. We look for gotchas! This is not the kind of listening that is connecting. Our teachers want to know that we have “got their backs” at home. After all, that’s what partnership means. We support one another with the common mission of supporting our children’s learning. Because this state of mind does not come naturally, we have to set an intention. We have to be aware of our default settings that easily skip to judgment. So inner coaching is necessary. We can recite, “how can I bring an open mind and heart to our curriculum night knowing every person is there with the best intent to help our student’s learn?” Practice now by inviting your child to tell you about their hopes for the school year. Use your most open self to receive those hopes.

Use That Extra Thinking Space!

If people talk slower than we think, we have extra space to utilize in ways that are connecting. Use that time while you are listening to what is said to consider these key questions:

– what am I learning from the words?

– what am I learning from the body language including facial expressions?

– what feelings am I sensing?

– do I understand everything or do I need to ask for more details?

Before responding to a teacher, fellow parent, or your own child, take a moment of pause. Take a breath. Allow for space. Ask questions to further understand what they are communicating. Or reflect back to them what you’ve heard to make sure you are getting it right. “I heard you say that homework this year will involve lots of math practice.” We move so quickly. And we all realize that often we are not fully heard. Show you are taking in and processing all that is communicated to underscore the importance of the relationships you are building as your way of giving your best to the start of the school year.

Set Rules for your Own Self Management

The biggest rule we all need to consider for ourselves is: where will our phone be? How will we manage them? Will they be put away? Will notifications be turned off? This is a challenge for all of us and one of the biggest distractions from open-minded, open-hearted listening. But there may be other rules that might assist you too. What time a day will you fully focus on your child and their back to school reflections? How will you remind yourself of focusing and using your highest listening skills? How will you begin your day in ways that create calm and focus so that you can bring that centering to your interactions throughout the day?

Play Listening Games with your Family

We love Jenny Woo’s card games with powerful, funny, and connecting questions entitled 52 Essential Conversations because it offers the chance for a family member to share their deeper reflections and for other members to practice listening. Or you can simply ask big picture questions at dinnertime. Be sure and establish the ground rules for listening before you begin. Sometimes it’s fun with young children to show what bad listening looks like. As parents, we can play act and model what we don’t want so that our children can show us what good listening looks like. Here are a few helpful ground rules for your game:

– Listen with your whole heart and mind.

– Be sure you understand what’s being said.

– Look for what the speaker is feeling when they are talking.

– Before moving on, reflect back to them exactly what you heard.

– Then, reflect back to them the feelings you sensed and see if you are right.

-When responding, use “yes and…” to build on what was said.

Reflect with Your Children on the Opportunity of Listening

If nerves are welling up as you near the first day of school, listening can be just the right anecdote. After all, all students — and teachers too! — will be nervous on the first day. A new year signals lots of uncertainty. Coach your child that they have the key to making new friends! That key is listening well. Help your child consider what questions they might ask of others to make a connection. “What teacher do you have this year? What was your favorite subject last year? What’s your favorite part of the day?” And then, they give themselves the opportunity to fully listen. Seems simple but works magic! All of sudden, your child’s nerves go away as they focus on the other person. And the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. Magic!

In a world where loneliness is an epidemic, true connection is possible. We can be agents of change in our own small ways by bringing our full focus in the back to school season. Our children notice. Not only do they notice, but they also mimic what we do sometimes and especially when we are not present. Imagine how a school year might unfold differently if each individual – teacher, parent and student – brought their open minded, open hearted selves to the school community. We have that opportunity now. May you plant the seeds of caring connection in your school community this season to grow throughout the school year!

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Check out the brand new school-family partnerships program through Confident Parents, Confident Kids entitled Listening Spaces, in which a small school team creates pathways for listening that contribute to whole school belonging and connection. Learn more!

References:

SpeakEasyInc. Hearing Vs. Listening. Retrieved on 8/7/24.

Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L.A. Listening to People. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/7/24.

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ATTENTION — Writing Opportunity for Educators who are trained in Social and Emotional Learning and are also ParentsConfident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last Spring and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts in the field. Join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development.

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by August 15, 2024. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this fall by August 29, 2024.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Learn more about these Parent Workshops!And…Learn More about Listening SpacesLearn more about Parent Book Studies led by author Jennifer Miller!

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The raucous sound waves of pounding and tiles breaking and hitting the floor echo through every corner of my little household as we remodel our only full bathroom that (can you believe I’m admitting this?) we haven’t renovated in the twenty years since we’ve lived in our home. I find myself running from library to home and back again trying to get my work done and attend to my teenager’s needs, mostly for a car to drive and accountability on the basics (like “did you eat breakfast?”). At home, the electric guitar screams and reverberates from the basement as my son attempts to learn every song from the 1980s to today. At the library, as I write, people are hovering around my library study room ready to pounce on the space. Summer chaos has arrived. And I know you have it too – just your very own brand.

Young children require constant tending as we organize playdates, tend to scraped knees, and clean out the dirt, sand, and other messes that constitute a “good” summer. For elementary-aged children, we insist that we are not their entertainment committee but yet, need to get them involved in organized activities, see friends, and get outside versus getting consumed by screens. So we schlep them to camps, to friends’ houses, to tutoring, to music lessons all in an effort to provide enrichment away from screens. If you have teens in your household, there may be power struggles over bedtimes, screen times, meal times, and more as they push for independence without responsibility and you push for responsibility. And the intensity heightens without the consistent routines and structures of school. About this time each summer, we begin to get weary of the intense heat and the bugs. So too we, as caregivers, are getting weary with the lack of structure and the many roles we feel responsible for playing in the summertime.

But there is a remedy. No, it does not involve imagining you are back on vacation. Instead you can find it in the small moments between the running here and there if you so choose to find it. Summer stillness shimmers like rays of light peaking through the clouds…there, ever-present but not loud or waving in your face. Buried in screens or in household responsibilities, you will miss it. But if you become intentional about seizing summer stillness in those glistening moments where it’s possible, you will find the healing and renewal you are looking for. Not all at once, but cumulatively, over time, those moments build a foundation within you of resilience.

Summer stillness is…

• sitting outside and listening to all of the sounds of your surroundings – birdsong, breeze, traffic, children’s laughter, construction crews. Just listen. Be still. Appreciate the life you hear. If the “to do” list begins in your head, gently encourage it to float off.
• pausing at your desk amidst work. Closing your computer. Backing up in your chair and closing your eyes. Breathing in for a number of breaths. Being still.
• stopping in the kitchen. Placing your hands on the refrigerator or the countertops – someplace cool. Close your eyes and breathe.
• with the family before eating dinner. Pause together. Close your eyes. You can ask your family to visualize their most peaceful place. Breathe for three breathes. Yes, kids can do it!
• (with a little more time) go to water. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expansive. Just go to water. We have a pond in our neighborhood that I frequent. Stare at the water. Let it soothe you.
• (with a little more time) head to nature. Again, it doesn’t have to be immersive. Find a park nearby. Sit on a bench or at a picnic table. Notice the life – humans but also, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer – quietly busy living an existence you typically don’t notice. Take time to notice. And breathe the fresh air while you do.

These may seem simple to a fault. But in our busy lives, strategies need to be. The trick is setting the intention: “I will practice stillness for my well-being.” and then sticking to it through reminders (phone or device?) or a consistent routine (right after morning coffee? right after camp drop off?). Don’t let the summer pull you under the water until you are drowning. Make sure that you are finding those shimmering moments to float. As caregivers, our family needs us to be well. Yet, their needs can consume us. And it’s not okay for us to let them consume us. That’s why we need to be proactive about renewal.

May you find plenty of shimmering moments of summer stillness ahead in each day. And may they add up to a fullness of spirit. May that spirit enter into your caregiving to infuse life with creativity and laughter and presence.

Happy summer!

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Simple and Practical Strategies for Applying Indigenous Wisdom to Managing Upset While Teaching Emotional IntelligenceFrowning faces, furrowed brows, and grumpy expressions may describe your family members’ expressions in the middle of summer as we work hard and play hard while dealing with intense heat and humidity. You may be in that rare season where all family members are home together. Transition times can be tough particularly when children are hot, sweaty and tired. Siblings can begin to get on one another’s nerves being around one another more often – not to mention our own. And responsibilities can fall by the wayside – even if minor and small (“we forgot the bug spray, the sun tan lotion, the bathing suit!”) – and innervate even the most patient of caregivers. But summer can also offer the ideal conditions for teaching invaluable lessons about children’s challenging emotions. With some intentionality and a playful spirit, your family can practice some of life’s most important lessons this summer.

Teaching children about their emotions through the dramatic arts is a simple way to build on children’s vast ability to learn through play-acting. There’s much to learn from the Inuit families who live in the Arctic regions of Canada, Alaska, Greenland and Russia. They make the acting out of anger, our reactions to anger and it’s possible outcomes with their children a widely-used and accepted part of their parenting practices. In fact, Ethnographer Jean Briggs who lived and studied Inuit families reported “…something remarkable was going on in these families: The adults had an extraordinary ability to control their anger.”1

Evidence on how parents were teaching children about anger was found in the consistent healthy management of anger by adults in the community years later. And their formula was simple. When a child gets angry, so their tradition goes, it poses an opportunity to teach a child about how to react. Inuit parents will stop in that heated moment or revisit that moment later. They act out together how the anger feels from one person to the other including what they feel like doing with the feeling, and if/when they lash out, how it feels to the other person, the consequences to the relationship, and how to repair harm if caused. There’s much we can learn from this! Check out the full article from National Public Radio here entitled How Inuit Parents Raise Children to Control Their Anger.

As tensions continue in our family lives, there’s an important opportunity of the moment if we seize it. The big feelings we are all encountering daily and weekly provide a common experience among adults and the children they love. What better chance do we have of teaching our children emotional intelligence than at a time when their emotions are running at a fever pitch? I know what you may be thinking now, Reader. “How can I possibly teach emotional intelligence when I’m feeling overwhelmed, run down, and highly anxious myself?” Well, it’s a good question. And you can! Let me explain.

It helps to draw upon a research-backed framework that gives four essential factors of parenting resilience.2 They are:

1. Social connection and support;
2. Knowledge of parenting and child development;
3. Social and emotional competence of children; and
4. Ability to ask for and accept help.

This framework provides the hope that as you gain knowledge of your own role as a parent (you are doing that right now!), you can learn ways in which to promote your child’s social and emotional skills which, in turn, will offer you greater empathy, patience, and sense of agency and competence. In other words, you’ll have greater endurance for the marathon of stress you are surely running parenting in complex times. Learning how to manage your own stress and teaching your children how to manage their own big feelings in healthy ways just may be one of the most significant opportunities of our time. Preparing this generation with the tools to be change-makers to solve the problems our world faces will require that social and emotional training.

Check out my simple ideas for transforming the drama of the moment into a vital lesson for the future.

1. Invest in the Pause.

No matter what is going on, no matter your level of frustration, the pause is your best friend. It will transform any immediate reactions based on impulse that may leave you with regret later. Impulse and feeling happen instantly but thought takes a moment. So allow your reaction to be informed by your thoughts by pausing in the midst of the drama. Have a hard time stopping the escalation? Say “stop” or “time out” aloud — for yourself. This will assist your whole body and brain even when highly upset in taking that essential pause. Even better, agree with your family on a word or phrase (such as, “freeze”) you’ll say to each other when there’s a need to pause the drama.

1. Ask, Listen, Accept.

Though we often think we know exactly what our children are thinking and feeling, we don’t. We may pride ourselves on knowing them best. Yet, the very fact that they are children or teens means that they approach life differently than we do. Though it may be tempting to assume, it’s important that we ask them what’s going on for them. Our fears and worries often are not theirs. But they can become theirs if we engage in projections and assumptions. So as you pause and take a moment to breathe before responding, be sure and ask, “What are you thinking? What are you feeling?” and listen carefully so that you address the problem they are perceiving. And then, whatever feelings they share, we need to be ready to accept them — even those that make us uncomfortable or annoyed. And there are those days when we are right on the verge of our own explosion when it feels like one more challenging feeling from our child will make us erupt. If we reach that near boiling point, go back to the start. Invest in the pause. Breathe. Write down your own feelings. Validate what’s going on for you. Then, return to your child to accept that their hearts are never wrong, that we accept their emotions helping them feel supported and understood.

1. Brainstorm Healthy Ways to Respond – Together.

Working together to think of healthy ways to respond teaches your child that they have options in any problem and can take steps to feel better and make better choices. Generating ideas together also takes the heavy lift off of the parent to fix the situation or figure it all out. In fact, if the parent engages in fixes, they rob the child of their learning opportunity. But co-creating solutions scaffolds their participation in cultivating healthy coping skills and making responsible decisions.

1. Reenact the drama.

When the heat has died down, create a moment to return to the drama for the purpose of learning. It may look a bit differently depending upon the age of the child.

For young children – Pretend play is a hallmark of young children and they are ready to engage in dramatic reenactments on a moment’s notice. So use this to help advance their emotional skills. Be sure and get down on your young child’s level to equalize power. This is important. Make it simple. “I’m so mad. I can feel my face is red. I feel hot. What do you look like when you’re mad?” Make faces at each other — the more dramatic, the better. Then ask, “What can we do or say to feel better?” Be sure that you think of options that cool the heat. In other words, don’t raise voices or throw pillows. Instead, hug a pillow, or get a cool drink of water. Discover together multiple ways to feel better.

Elementary-aged Children – You might ask, “What happens to make you mad?” Then, play act out the story your child offers. Whether it’s a sibling sneering at a joke your child makes or you telling your child to get off screens, you might offer, “let’s act it out and see how it goes.” Try out your own respective roles. “I cannot believe you are making me get off video games now! It’s so unfair!” And you offer what you might say in response, “It’s not right. You know the rules. You’ve taken more time than you are allowed anyway.” Now call, “Time out!” Stop the action. Ask some reflective questions about the moment. “What were you feeling in your body to indicate you were mad?” This raises self-awareness. You may share your own typical physical symptoms you feel when you’re mad as a model. ”I can tell my heart starts racing. I heat up too. What can we do to get to a better place?” Brainstorm together ideas for feeling better and addressing the problem at hand without placing blame or criticizing. And if justice is at issue, anger is a critical emotion to help motivate to action. Discuss what your child can do to right wrongs in ways that create fairness and respect.

Tweens and Teens – This age group is particularly interested in social dynamics and drama. So play on this interest. When friends argue or someone on social media gets mad, what does it look like? What does it sound like? Place your teen in the role of youth culture expert and learn from their experiences. Ask for the full story including what happens when a friend or social media icon “loses it.” What happens in the moment? And even more importantly, what happens later to their reputation? Then, play act It out. You might ask, “Show me how it sounds” and then, “Did this cause harm to you or others?” and if so, “What could this person have done instead?” Be sure and reflect back that anger can be a vital emotion for moving a person to change, to take action, to right a wrong, or correct an injustice. The question to ask then is, “How can you use your strong feelings to pause and consider how to bring greater justice, fairness and respect to the situation?”

With the busy pace of our lives, we are living through times that produce big feelings for adults and children. We can offer our children and teens a pathway to building strength and resilience if we teach them how to use their anger productively and constructively. Take these small family fires as opportunities to teach your children that they can be change-makers today and you’ll help prepare them for a bright future.

References:

1. Doucleff, M. & Greenhalgh, J. (2019). How Inuit Parents Raise Teach Kids to Control their Anger. National Public Radio.
2. Center for the Study of Social Policy (2018). Framework for Parental Resilience; Protective and Promotive Factors; https://cssp.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/ProtectiveFactorsActionSheets.pdf

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Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

– Mahatma Gandhi

“Sammy took my Star Wars Lego out of my hand today at indoor recess. But I forgave him. He loves them too.” relayed my six-year-old son last week. “How do you know about forgiveness?” I asked surprised. “Because you talked about it,” he said with an implied “of course, I know” tone. I marvel at what sticks sometimes and what does not. I was fortunate that the word and the meaning behind it “stuck” this time. It was a reminder to me to continue to use the language of forgiveness because as he grows older the issues will only grow more complex and the need for forgiveness will only increase. If you have a young child, practicing now when small infractions occur will be a big help when bigger issues arise later in childhood and adolescence.

Forgiveness is defined as a voluntary process that involves an individual’s change in emotion or attitude regarding someone who has offended them.1 The person who has been offended has to make a decision to hold the person harmless and not desire retaliation of any kind. Though often addressed in religious circles, there seems less discussion about forgiveness as a social construct. Yet as children grow and develop, conflict will be a regular part of their relationships. Being able to forgive and move on is a critical skill to practice in friendships and in family life. If all is forgiven, then past hurts or poor behavioral choices are not brought up in the heat of an argument. If the past is forgiven, children and parents always start anew and have the chance to make the best choices for all involved.

One of the finest examples of forgiveness in my opinion is the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of South Africa. An entire nation decided that forgiveness was the central vehicle for dealing with the aftermath of apartheid in order to repair the significant damage done. The Commission stated “The conflict during this period resulted in violence and human rights abuses from all sides. No section of society escaped these abuses.”2 People who committed the abuses had to openly discuss their acts of violence and seek forgiveness from those whom they offended. And in the face of their abusers, many were able to forgive. The strength and courage of those people is immeasurable.

Raising confident, socially aware and competent children means that we give them the tools to make responsible decisions considering the consequences to themselves and others. But when they make mistakes or others make mistakes that hurt them, they also have the support, practice, and strength to forgive and move on.

Check out these simple ways to begin encouraging forgiveness in your family’s daily routine especially with younger children and following these ideas, we address older children and teens.

Incorporate the language of forgiveness.

After a disagreement with your partner that your children have witnessed, let them know that you have forgiven one another and have moved on. This modeling will be one of the most powerful lessons you can provide for them. Also offer forgiveness to your child after they have caused harm. And most importantly, move on. The mistakes in the past stay in the past not to be brought up as an accusation at a later date. Children who feel they have a “record” of past wrongs can get into a negative choice cycle assuming that those poor decisions are a part of their identity. Parents who are able to move on offer children a clean slate and the opportunity to make the best choices moving forward.

Model empathy.

As you discuss family member’s or friend’s problems, make sure you include empathetic comments. “It is so difficult on the family that Grandpa decided to stop communicating with your Uncle Fred. But we love Grandpa and we love Uncle Fred. We know they are going through a hard time right now. We will offer support to both of them.”

Facilitate dialogue on problem solving between siblings and with friends.

If children are guided through a problem solving process – defining the problem, articulating their feelings, understanding the other person’s feelings, generating solutions and trying one out – they can more easily forgive and move on. For more on facilitating problem solving with children, check out the previous post “Working It Out.”

Give your children opportunities to repair harm done.

Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better. Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”

For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so to, the need for guidance around how to forgive and what constitutes forgiveness. We can tend to hold some misconceptions. One myth is that forgiveness doesn’t hold the offending party responsible for wrong-doing. In other words, does forgiving mean accepting betrayal or harmful behavior? In fact, forgiveness is how you hold your regard for that person in your own mind and heart. Even if you are no longer in contact with them or they have passed on, you have the power to forgive by letting go of anger, hurt, or resentment that keeps you tied to those harmful behaviors in the past.

You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. How do they do this? Here are some ideas for how you might guide your teen:

Ensure safety first.

This may seem obvious but with teens, we cannot choose their friends or peer relationships. And often, we know far less about those relationships than we’d like as our teens seek more and more independence. So prompt your teen to ensure their safety. How can they feel emotionally and physically safe around that person going forward? It could be as simple as finding allies or rehearsing what to do or say if or when that person who harmed them comes back to harm again.

Express your anger in safe ways.

Becoming angry at a person because they hurt you is a healthy reaction. It gives you the fuel and incentive to protect yourself and stay safe guarding against more harm. But when the harm has been done and is no longer a threat, we can hold onto that anger much longer than we need to. So it’s important to help your teen know what to do with that anger. You might offer the many ways in which you’ve dealt with your own anger and ask what might make them feel better. Painting, listening to music, dancing, running, journaling, or talking to an uninvolved friend or therapist are all healthy options. The arts in particular can help a teen express what’s inside.

Set a clear boundary.

There’s so much talk of boundaries these days yet, actually setting an authentic boundary in a kind and firm way can be one of the most difficult but also most important tasks in relationships. Your teen has the chance to learn this in their early years so that when they are away from you, they have the strength to do it on their own. What’s most important is for your teen to know what words and actions cross that invisible line? Character attacks – yep. Hurtful rumors – definitely. Your teen’s guide can simply be their feelings. Were they hurt? Are they struggling to get over it? Then it’s likely a boundary was crossed. If it was done by a close friend, then practicing ways to communicate that what they said or did wasn’t okay is important. Less is often more. Saying “stop” or “that hurt me” or “play fair” can all become simple ways to communicate that those lines have been crossed.

Ritualize your letting go.

Whether you are staying in a friendship or leaving it, the feelings involved need to be dealt with before you can truly move on. For your teen, how can they solidify their commitment to letting those angry thoughts and feelings go? Writing out hurts and anger and either ripping up and recycling them or burning them (safely!) can be a constructive ritual for letting go of anger. Writing a letter to the person who crossed the line and expressing exactly what your teen wants to say and then destroying the letter (not sharing it) can also help. Imagining conversations in which your teen retains their sense of agency and courage can help support your teen.

Find compassion.

There is always a reason someone is being hurtful or deceptive. And often (always?) that reason is about their own emotional needs and hurts. So there is compassion we can discover if only we search for it. Again, finding compassion in our hearts – seeking understanding for the circumstances that might cause a person to harm another – is not excusing their wrongdoing. But it’s rebuilding your heart and your trust in humanity. So encourage your teen to tell a story of compassion for the person who is harming. After all, our teen, whether aware or not, will likely be the one doing the harm at one point or another so it’s critical that forgiveness and compassion are reciprocal.

Create new opportunities for connection.

If a friendship has been harmed through an argument and your teen has been able to let go of the anger, it’s time to rebuild. So look for small chances to connect. Extend an invitation for ice cream. Look for a simple way to repair harm and begin to make new memories together.

There will be plenty of opportunities for forgiveness if children and teens watch adults engaged in forgiveness and receive support and encouragement from a caring adult. Those experiences will assist them in becoming more empathetic people and perhaps, stronger and gentler with themselves and others.

References:

1 American Psychological Association (2006). Forgiveness: A Sampling of Research Results. Washington, D.C.: Office of Internal Affairs. Reprinted 2008.

2 The Official Truth and Reconciliation Website. Retrieved on July 11, 2024.

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“Mom, can I have a playdate with Tommy?” my son asks excitedly. Why do I feel ancient when I recall that playdates didn’t exist when I was a young girl? But in truth, kids were sent outside to play with their neighborhood friends or siblings and certainly, parents didn’t travel anywhere beyond their street to assist their child in connecting with friends. Our evolution to playdates represents our growing recognition of our children’s social needs.

More than ever, parents realize that play is the vocation of childhood. It’s the central vehicle for learning – a catalyst for kids’ physical, cognitive, social and emotional development. In play, a child is in control of the world he creates, his only limitation being his imagination.

Developmental Psychologist Lev Vygotsky wrote, “In play, a child is always above his average age, above his daily behavior; in play, it is as though he were a head taller than himself.” Children have the ability and urge to create highly advanced pretend play scenarios, both with others and on their own.

In social play, kids practice cooperation, negotiation, inclusion, communication, flexibility and diversity appreciation. In solo play, children can grow their sense of identity and also practice perspective taking abilities as they pretend to be another person.

Pretend play also can serve a significant role in a children’s mental health and sense of well-being. They are able to face the most feared obstacles with the courage of a true hero whether it’s confronting monsters or villains, weapons or diseases, and even injury or death. Through play, they can conquer these fears and show their strength and resilience.

Social and solo play not only contribute to developing kids’ social and emotional life skills but they also contribute to academics. Often imaginative play will include counting (math), categorizing (science) and storytelling (language) among many other cognitive essentials for school-age children. And there is just no such thing as growing too old to play. When adults are creative or engage in any art form, there is play at work.

And if those aren’t enough benefits to convince you that playdates are valuable, here’s yet another, not to be underestimated. Playdates can provide a powerful parent support network. When my son was an infant, toddler and then, preschooler, a group of Moms formed a regular weekly playdate rotation in which Moms attended and enjoyed coffee and conversation while the little ones played. This became an invaluable source of support for our parenting as we discussed challenges, found commonalities and learned from one another differing ways each of us were addressing those challenges.

In the full schedule-laden school-age years, parents can cooperate or take shifts hosting each other for playdates on free summer days or on weekends. This offers a period of time free for the parents who are not on point to host. And when it’s your turn to host, you can create a safe, caring environment conducive to play.

In addition to the many benefits of play for your child, there are some questions that could be asked related to planning and hosting playdates. Some of these may include:

• How should a playdate be initiated? Do I wait for my child to ask or seek out friends for my child?
• If I am hosting, should I have ground rules and if so, how should I communicate them?
• What if the other child I am hosting makes poor choices? How do I handle a discipline issue with another family’s child?
• If I am sending my child to another person’s house for a playdate, are there questions I should ask in advance? How well do I need to know the friend’s family? How do I make sure it’s safe?
• Are there rules or discussions I should have with my own child before going to someone else’s house?

All of these important questions and some added tips will be responded to in the following playdate suggestions.

Follow your Child’s Lead.

Who knows why we are particularly attracted to another person and seek out their friendship? Perhaps it has to do with our developmental needs. But it’s impossible to truly predict which peers our child will gravitate toward. So follow their lead! Who does your child talk about at home? That’s a perfect place to begin.

Get to Know the Other Child and his Family.

So you want to create opportunities outside of camp, extracurriculars or school for Tommy and your son to play since he talks about him frequently? But perhaps you don’t know Tommy or his parents. Instead of scheduling a first playdate, schedule a family meet-up. “We’re going bowling this weekend, would your family like to join us?” Or it may be easier to identify a school activity – a summer festival perhaps? – where parents are invited and seek out Tommy and his family to have an initial conversation. Introduce yourselves and express a desire for a playdate. You’ve then laid the groundwork for the new relationship between your family and theirs. After all, if another family is going to trust you to care for their child, they need to get to know you – and vice versa. It absolutely takes a village!

Talk to your Child before the Playdate about Ground Rules
(including playing with one another, not on screens!)

You want to prepare your child for a fun, successful playdate and you don’t want to have to do a lot of supervising and managing during the playdate if you don’t have to. So why not discuss ahead of time the rules that make the most sense? I always begin a conversation about rules by setting the stage and asking, “I’ll bet you are excited to have Tommy over. I’m so glad! What rules do we need to think about for the time he’s here so that you both can stay safe and have a great time?” And then, let him consider or offer options. Write them down to demonstrate that it’s official and important (and to refer back to if you need to do so during the playdate). Be sure to keep rules brief and frame them in the positive. What do you want them to do versus not to do? So one might be, “Keep play safe.” Discuss what that means. Climbing on furniture or more physical play may not be safe. If tempted, then maybe a good solution would be to play outside if the weather permits. Others may include: staying in certain play areas or living spaces (and avoid others); inside voices are the best to use; or bathroom time is for one child at a time.

Reserve Screen Time for Times Other Than When Friends Are Over

Yes, screen time could take over an entire playdate. Indeed, kids will want to play video games with one another or watch a movie. But plenty of screen time takes place when kids are home without friends there. I’ve noticed that children who are used to many hours of screen time take a little longer to figure out what to play when screens aren’t available. But all of those wonderful benefits of pretend and engage in social play are not fully realized if children are on screens during their playdates. Our rule is “Friends are more important than screens.” And we put away devices before they come. If asked, we share that’s it’s our rule to promote more fun, creative playtime. We leave out costumes, art supplies, legos and other imaginative toys (see resource at the end for more ideas!). My son at ten-years-old now only requires blankets and pillows since fort-making has become his latest pastime with his pals. Create a ready environment for play together and children will forget about their need for screens and reap all of the benefits of their social play together.

Partner with your Child to Communicate Rules to his Friend.

You’ve already discussed safety rules with your child. Welcome your child’s friend in and express your happiness that he’s there to play. Get out the rules you discussed and briefly talk about them. Let the friend know that he can come to you if he’s hurt or feels unsafe or for any reason. And then send them off to have fun!

What If Poor Choices Are Made by Another Person’s Child?

If it’s a minor issue or breakage of your rules, offer first that every family has different rules. You might say to both children, “Tommy’s family likely has different rules at his house and so is just learning about our rules. At our house, we don’t play rough enough that things break. We choose to go outside. Let’s work together to clean up or repair the broken item. Then, you can choose – You can continue to play your game outside or pick a different, less-rough game inside.”

If it’s a major issue, in other words, a child is harmed, then calling the other parents makes sense. But placing blame will not build bridges with that other family so if you need to make the phone call, consider how you’ll create a safe space for discussion. Instead of saying, “Your child hit my child. Come get him.”, you might instead say, “We value Tommy’s friendship. There was some hitting today at our house. It may be a good time to just take a break and calm down since both kids are upset. Then, maybe we can try again another time. For today though, could you please come get Tommy?” In that circumstance, you’ve done your best to keep all safe while preserving the relationship. Either the other family or you can make the choice going forward whether it’s important to offer second chances and try another playdate.

Set the Stage for Sending Your Child to Another’s Home:

Ask about House Rules in Advance.

If you have a playdate set with another family, simply ask what their house rules are. If any particular rule is particularly important, they’ll communicate that to you and you’ll be able to discuss it with your child in advance.

Trust Your Gut.

Your gut is yours and your child’s very own internal safety device. Teach them to use it! Since children are learning about their feelings and developing a language to express them, they may more readily be able to identify physical signs of discomfort first. Their tummy may feel nauseous. Practice doing gut checks. If you see an image in the media that is disturbing, ask how their tummy feels. Make the connection between that icky feeling not only as a sign of discomfort but as a sign of danger and to get out of the situation. If children are taught to trust that feeling, they will become more likely to leave a high-risk circumstance. Let them know if they feel unsafe at another child’s house to find a caring adult and ask to call home. Have an easy plan at the ready so that your child knows how to get in touch with you.

If Trouble, Tell a Caring Adult.

To prevent abusive situations, it’s helpful to get to know the other family first. But also, you can coach your child to find safety in an unsafe situation. If your child feels unsafe, she needs to learn to “look for the helpers,” as Mr. Rogers wisely advised. Abuse usually takes place when two are alone together. Though a perpetrator can and often does rationalize his behavior, there is also a clear sense that it’s not acceptable to others. So if your child knows to find a trusted, caring adult to help, they can remove themselves from the dangerous situation. This teaching is in opposition to the old “stranger danger” counsel kids used to be taught. If your child is afraid of strangers, he won’t seek the help he needs. Instead, work on finding a helper. Practice. Can you find a helper when you are at the store together? Ask your child, “Who would you go to?” Talk about it with your child when you encounter another lost child, witness a fire, or see any kind of dangerous situation. If you feel scared, look for a helper! If the person you are with is scaring you, look for a helper!

Discuss a Way to Get in Touch with You.

Send along your name and number in your child’s backpack or even pin it on their clothing so that they can get ahold of you if they need to. Practice making a phone call to you if they have not used the phone. If it’s a first playdate, keep the timeframe short as a trial run so that you gain more trust with the family and the environment.

Though it takes a bit of effort on the part of parents, children will certainly benefit from friend playtime. Look for ways you can connect with other parents too and you’ll reap some of the supportive benefits of growing relationships in your community!

Extra Resource:

Printable Playthings to Stir the Imagination (Many of Which Are Ready Household Objects)

Adapted from original article titled “All About Playdates” published March 8, 2018.

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“Are you okay?” I asked as E made a beeline from the outdoors in straight to the upstairs bathroom and shut the door. “No,” he uttered angrily coming out and showing me bloody elbows and knees and scraps up and down the side of his body. It was his first day out of school. And I truly cannot recall one first day out of school when the weather was beautiful and he was free to run outside that he didn’t wind up with at least one scraped knee. Yes, tis the season for “boo-boos”. And for some children, they’ll deal with more serious injuries this summer like concussions, sprains, or fractures.

So how do you manage your own big feelings when your child is in pain? These circumstances test our emotional intelligence because of the mounting emotions we’ll have to confront. After all, we are reacting to our child’s upset which may be expressed in inconsolable crying, yelling, and anger (that could be directed at us), or running away and hiding. We have to cope with our empathy as they endure pain which can be no small feat as we desire their suffering to go away as quickly as possible. We may get squeamish at the sight of blood or have a sense of disgust or revulsion as we view their injury. We may also fear greater internal injuries that we cannot detect on our own so that we have to deal with anxiety and feelings of incompetence when we don’t know what to do.

This seemed an important day for me to consider how we can respond in ways that support our children, acknowledge their big feelings, and deal with our own in constructive ways. Here are a few well-considered tips.

Prepare.

Before your child comes to you with her first scraped knee, make it a start of summer ritual to stock up on first aid supplies. I carry band-aids in my purse everywhere I go. And I’ve helped out other parents in the grocery store, in the park. When a child needs a band-aid, they really need one. Don’t mess with feeling helpless and unprepared. My favorite supplies to keep on hand are: band-aids of all sizes, foaming anti-bacterial solution (it goes on fast and easy), cut strips of clean, soft t-shirts (thank you for this, Mema) to use to clean wounds or as flexible wraps, surgical tape so that it doesn’t hurt badly when you remove it (drug stores have this), ice packs, and popsicles. It’s nice to have a ritual that if you get injured, a cold popsicle always helps a child feel better.

Why does this all help with your emotional intelligence, you ask? Because you have no control over when and where injuries take place, this will help you feel more competent and ready so that you can take action and not feel helpless.

Clear your schedule.

Injuries, even if just a scraped knee, take your time and attention. A work conference call, a haircut appointment, or a lunch date cannot compare – in the big scheme of things – to taking care of your hurting child when they need you. Time pressures wear away at our patience and add a layer of anxiety to an already charged moment. So remove the time commitment so that you can focus your attention on your child.

Remember to breathe.

There’s typically a time when a parent is sitting and waiting. Whether a child is crying hysterically or shut inside her room or turned away and refusing treatment, there’s waiting time involved with children’s hurts. Use those times to deep breathe. This will prepare your mind and body to respond in the way you most want to respond — with empathy and compassion.

Acknowledge and accept feelings.

It can be tempting – particularly in a sports’ setting – to utter words like, “you’re fine,” “power through,” or “stay in the game,” – when you are not sure the degree to which your child is genuinely hurt though you see him crying or wincing in pain. After all, it’s likely this is how you were coached or parented as a kid so it can become a reflexive response. In addition, you may have a hidden (or not-so-hidden) fear that acknowledging a child’s feelings might encourage the child to seek sympathy or over-emphasize their hurts. In fact, that is a fallacy. The opposite is true. When we ignore or downplay our children’s feelings, they come back stronger in order to get your attention. Their upset wasn’t good enough the first time so in order to prove it to you, they have to up the emotional ante.

Use your own inner coach in these situations. Breathe first and think “what’s my best response?” Then, acknowledge and accept what they are expressing or what you are observing they are feeling. “It looks like you are really hurt. I’m here to help.” This simple comforting statement will offer your child acceptance. You understand. And you are there for them.

Manage your own reactions.

If you are indeed feeling disgusted or appalled or terrified by a child’s injury, there’s no way to bury those big feelings nor should you be expected to. But become aware of your big feelings and do something about them. Put your hand on your heart and attempt to slow it down. Stepping aside and taking a few deep breaths or intentionally relaxing your tense body before addressing a crying child can help you respond in a more effective, calming manner which, in turn, will better support your child through the pain.

Wait for consent to treat.

Your child may just refuse to have a wound cleaned for fear it will cause additional pain, as mine did. After you’ve let your child know that it’s necessary to clean it first or it can get infected, you may need to give him time. No need to nag, insist, or force the issue. Being compassionately clear that you cannot move on until you treat the wound is enough. Eventually, your child will consent. Bravery takes time. Be sure and allow your child the time he needs to agree to treat his wound. Of course, in an emergency, you would indeed rush to treat and not offer a choice. But with everyday cuts and scrapes, it gives a child a chance to practice self-management skills, caring for and giving permission with their own body, and handling their emotions with courage if we allow for it.

When in doubt, check it out.

Perhaps you’ve treated the scraps but you see bruising emerging which could indicate an internal injury. When in doubt, check it out. Call your pediatrician triage line and talk with the nurse on call. If you don’t, you risk greater problems down the line so why not take care of it on the day of the injury? If you have questions you might want to research first, check out the site, Kids Health: https://kidshealth.org.

Distract! And offer comfort.

Throw a bag together before leaving for the doctor with some favorite books or card games. Joke books, Seek and Finds, “Would You Rather,” and other puzzle books can be helpful. For young children, pack favorite comfort items like a beloved stuffed friend, blanket and book. And yes, for school age and up, this is the ideal time to use handheld media to help your child through a tough time. Waiting while a child is in pain can be challenging so have some distractions on hand to help get through those time periods.

Children learn to self-soothe by first, watching how we help them feel better. So after the wounds have been cleaned and bandaids carefully placed, how can you offer a quiet, soothing activity in which they can return to feeling better? Can they snuggle up with a bear, pillow, or blanket? Can you read a comforting storybook together? This will help both you and your child transition back to feeling better.

Tell the story.

Reflect together with loved ones on the surrounding events and recount how the injury happened including the feelings’ journey you’re child took. “I felt so hurt, then scared, then relieved.” This offers your child invaluable practice with discussing the difficult pains in life to help learn the lessons involved, process the feelings experienced, and also solidify the memory that he endured pain and survived.

Fortunately, my son was back up and running outside the very next day and though he had moments of pain, he was healing quickly. Summer injuries can test our patience and ability to show compassion at a time when our child most needs it. But with a little forethought, you’ll get through feeling competent, modeling ways to react to the pain that maximize your ability to support your child and help all feel better.

• This article was authentically researched by the author as she endured a basketball bouncing full force into her nose mere days before publication experiencing her own injury and offering greater empathy for her son — challenging her once again to react with emotional intelligence. Ouch!

Originally published June, 2020.

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This illustration is a scene from every summer of my son’s younger years. We would throw a cozy blanket on the backyard lawn and sprawl out with a stack of good books. Sometimes we would read together. Sometimes we would read on our own. Snacks would typically be involved. And the glory of summer reading would commence! As he has grown into an independent teen, I tend toward using a chair in the garden and read on my own as he does his independent teen things but yet, I still bask in the glow of summer reading. There’s a freedom to our reading choices when the sun gleams bright and the dappled shade glimmers and shimmers with polka dots of light on the lawn. Somehow the kick-off-your-shoes nature of summer invites us to take reading less seriously and deep dive into magical worlds, suspending the real one for awhile. As I write, I hear the breeze blowing and the blue jays cawing calling me outside.

At Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we have written, revised, and rewritten our book recommendations every year – as true book lovers tend to do to stay current. Some are serious and take a learning agenda in the area of our role as parents. Summer can be a time for our own personal growth, awareness raising, and deepening of our understanding as we retreat and renew. Our children’s books and teen books offer a wide range from fantastical worlds, to travel and social and cultural awareness in this world, to mind-expanding nonfiction. It’s all here. And it’s all been curated with the social and emotional developmental lens in mind.

So check out our recommended lists. Find your favorite kid and your favorite stack of new books, get outside, and get reading! Enjoy!

Check out our favorite books for parents and educators! And if you haven’t yet picked up your copy of “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence in Ourselves and Our Kids from Toddlers to Teenagers”, what are you waiting for?

Check out our best picks for picture books that are sure to delight and also generate important conversations.

Check out our section for first chapter books for ages 7-12 dealing with a range of developmentally appropriate topics.

And check out our teen book list carefully curated with teens to ensure that it’s truly the best of the best from their perspectives.

Happy summertime and happy reading!

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And Gratitude for My Own…My Dad knew how to play — and still does! As I look back, some of my fondest memories of my childhood were the ways in which may Dad would initiate play. He would…

• take me on a trip to space using only our IMAGINATIONS. We would each sit in one of the family room recliners. We’d lean as far back as we could go, close our eyes, and we were off! He’d describe the rumble of the engines starting up, the intense fire erupting blast off, passing the sound barrier, the disengagement of our boosters and finally the quiet, calm incredible beauty of space. I remember those trips as magical.
• take me on an ADVENTURE in our city. On a given Sunday, he would say, “let’s go for a drive!” Neither of us had any clue where we were off to. He’d pack his camera so he was prepared to photograph. And I would call out, “go left here.” We’d end up in a part of our city we had never explored before. We would find old railroad yards and get out and explore. And I learned that there were wonders to be discovered even and especially in areas that seemed forgotten.
• create rituals to turn everyday experiences SACRED. Though there were numerous and varied ways he created these experiences, one simple and memorable one was the sun salute. Each summer, when we went to the beach and swam in the ocean together, he would initiate the sun salute. It was ultimately gratitude for the sun, for the ocean, and for the time to play together.

These are just a few examples of how my Dad showed me a life of creativity, enchantment, and play. And he did it with his grandson too through puppets and silly games and lots of laughter. Most of all, he listens to me, really listens. He pays attention to the concerns of my heart and gives me trusted space to express myself.

Words cannot express my gratitude to my Dad for all that he has and continues to give to me just by being himself. And I count myself blessed to have two other Dads – my loving partner, Dad to our son, and my father-in-law who also both bring so much joy to our lives.

How will you recognize the intrinsic gifts your father – or a father in your family – gave/gives you this Father’s Day?

If you are a father, how can you embody the best of what Dads can be with your family?

May it be a truly Happy Father’s Day!

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Ideas for Setting Up Simple Home Structures for Summer Fun and Parental Sanity“Mom, what do you really want to do this summer?” my son asked me during our bedtime pillow talk last night. I had to think. I wanted my summer sunshine dreams of lemonade stands, library visits, and creeking at local parks to roll off my tongue but instead, my mind was a-jumble.

In our race to the finish line of school, my head is swimming with work agendas and classroom parent tasks to complete. It wasn’t easy to get my mind quickly focused on summertime fun though that’s precisely the hope of my ten-year-old boy. And as I attempt to, waves of anxiety tend to rush through my veins as I figure out the windows of time in which I can accomplish work during those sunny summer days in the midst of playtime.

This was written five years ago and so much has changed including the fact that my son doesn’t “play” anymore but instead “hangs out.” At ten, his head came to the crux of my arm and today, I crane my neck to look up at him. We, however, yet again will have a conversation about summer boundaries and routines as a family. With a teen, you may consider the list I’ve included to tailor your boundaries to your own family’s specific assets and challenges.

I know that if I take some time over the coming weeks to do some collective summer dreaming while establishing some “lite” routines, our summer will be filled with cooperation, shared responsibility, and opportunities for those precious moments of spontaneity — the ones that I truly want to define our summer.

So with that in mind, here are the ways in which we’ll establish a foundation for fun. Perhaps some of these tips will help your household enjoy the summer as well.

Take Time for Sunny Summer Dreaming.

Grab a poster board or newsprint and brainstorm together a list of favorite activities you want to be sure and get in over the summer. Separate into “at home” and “out.” Make sure there are some ideas that can be done as solo play. Hang it on the refrigerator or somewhere you can refer to it throughout the summer. This serves as a terrific way to anticipate the fun of summer and can be an invaluable support for pointing to when your child comes to you bored and unsure of how to spend his/her time. I’ve done this every summer with great success. At ten, my son took the initiative himself without prompting and wrote out thirty-five ideas for summer fun! Now that he’s 15, we simply talk about our hopes and dreams and make some plans together.

Talk about Your Routine “Lite.”

Though you may be eager to relinquish the rigor of the daily school routine, children still thrive with some sense of predictability. So talk about changes in your routine while your family is together. Consider your morning, bedtime and meal times and other transitions in the day. How will things stay the same? How will things change? Perhaps, you’ll agree that getting dressed should happen by a certain time in the morning? Having this discussion can help set expectations for the summer and also provide that sense of stability children can thrive on through routines.

Check out my checklist of all the potential considerations to discuss for summer. Some you may be able to check off right away or skip – you’ve got them covered. Others you and your family might spend some focused conversation on.

Set Up a Regular Quiet Reading Time.

Sure, you may be out of the house some days during a typical quiet time. But consider assigning a particular time of day to serve as a quiet time whenever you are around the house. After lunch could work, late afternoon or right before dinner. Turn off devices and media. Haul out blankets and books. You could include snacks. But it should be a time when all in the household “power down” and take it easy. Set the expectation for this at the beginning of summer and kids will assume it’s part of their summer routine.

Create a Simple Camp or Pool Checklist

Is there a place you tend to go daily in the summertime whether it’s day camp or a pool? Make sure you’ve set up your children for success in getting ready and out of the door with ease. Create a simple checklist together of what’s consistently needed. Bug spray? Check. Sun tan lotion? Check. Water bottle? Check. Use a dry erase board and kids can actually check off items each day. It will help them take responsibility for their own preparation and you won’t have to become the summertime nag!

Discuss Responsibilities and Consider Adding a Job List

Hopefully, your children understand their household responsibilities throughout the year. But anytime there is a transition, it’s a good moment to revisit. And you may consider one added responsibility to contribute to the household that’s age-appropriate since there tends to be more time in the summer. In addition, if you’re child is eager to earn money but too young to go out and get a job, you may consider putting together a list of jobs beyond their typical responsibilities such as, sweeping the first floor carpet for a $1.00. This will add to their practice of taking responsibility for jobs and offer a chance for your child to earn money this summer while helping you out! Consider a time when you do chores and offer that time for all family members to work together.

For more on establishing household responsibilities with children, check out this article. And for an age-appropriate household responsibility list, check out this printable!

Talk about Screen Time Limits and Expectations.

Avoid a daily battle or the chance your child might become addicted to screens and not flourish through multiple activities this summer beyond screens. Learn as a family the reasons why it’s important to limit screen time. Focus on the positive benefits of using time in other ways. Then, be clear together about what limits you’ll agree upon.

For more on facts about why it’s important to limit screen time as well as, a family media meeting agenda and a family screen time agreement, check out this article.

The warmer weather brings about so many opportunities for laughter and exploration together. May your summer be filled with those kinds of magical moments with your children, teens and whole family!

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If your family is like my own, you are in the final flurry of school days. Your flurry may involve art shows, concerts, field days, and celebration picnics. If you have older students, they may be chin-deep in final projects, exams, and presentations. And you might be working hard on teacher cards and gifts of appreciation along with volunteering for these final celebratory events.

But soon, our students will say goodbye to their teachers, their classmates, and their studies and dive into the freedom and glory of summer days with all the promise of joyful play that the sunshine allows. There is, however, a transition that takes place moving from a very structured, very focused, very goal-oriented school year to the less-structured or differently-structured routines of family life. Families often don’t get to participate in these end-of-the-school-year rituals that assist students in that transition yet we want to be a part of it. And in fact, our support of the transition can ensure that, when home together more, we get along smoothly, that we can cooperate on co-creating summer rules and routines, and we move into this next season with hope and a sense of support and teamwork.

So if you are wondering how you might support this transition at home, here’s a simple tool to introduce at the dinner table or wherever you gather to reflect on this important year of learning for your child or teen and your family that is coming to a close.

Spin the wheel of reflection on this past school year. Take a moment to answer a few questions at a time when you are together and recall the major influences – people, places and events – that shaped your learning this school year. For us as parents – the school year/work year is always a learning opportunity too. Whether you respond as a parent partner to your child’s school, a parent volunteer, or a parent support at home or as a professional, be sure you take your own turn and answer the questions for you.

Who

• Who had the biggest impact on your learning? Tell a story about how they supported you.
• Who did you learn the most about? How did your view of them change over the course of the year? What do you appreciate about them now?
• Who did you learn about in class that impacted you? What did you learn from them?

What

• What did you learn that changed you or had a major impact on your perspective?
• What did you learn about how you like to learn or prefer to learn?
• What new idea or fact did you learn that you are excited to continue to learn more about?
• What are you grateful for from this past school year?

When

• When, during the school year, did you feel the best, most empowered and inspired? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel the most anxious, insecure, nervous? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel bored or disengaged? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel excited and challenged? When did you feel frustrated and challenged? What was the difference?

Where

• Where did you experience the most significant learning this year? Why do you think that was the case?
• Where did you feel safest and at your best? Why?
• Where did you feel unsafe or scared or uncertain? What can you learn from that?

Why

• Why was this school year important to you?
• Why did you choose the friends you choose this year?
• Why do you love (insert what you love… your school, your classmates, your friend, your teacher, your favorite subject)?

How

• How did you learn best this year (what conditions, people, supports, ways of learning)?
• How did you show your kindness to others this year? How did others show kindness to you?
• How did you deal with your toughest assignments, tests, or projects? Did it work?

Print out this version of the Reflection Spinning Wheel. And here are the printable questions. If you are so inspired, cut out the circle and place it on a cardboard backing. Use a pushpin in the center to anchor the circle but allow for the wheel to spin. Make an arrow on the cardboard backing to signify where the pointer will go and what question to land on. You need not tackle every question. You may take a few spins in one sitting and really savor the stories that emerge from the asking. Perfect for teachers to use too!

Classic educational philosopher John Dewey said, “we don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.” Allow your whole family to do some valuable reflecting together on this past school year – the significant relationships cultivated, the knowledge acquired, the shaping experiences. Promote the higher order thinking skill of meta-cognition or thinking about their thinking so that your children begin to learn more about the ways in which they learn best. These are fundamental lessons that will serve them well through their school career and follow them well beyond into their lifelong learning future!

Happy final school days!

If you use this tool, let us know how it goes!

Check out these additional ideas:

Bringing Closure to the School Year

Originally published May 23, 2023.

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Engaging Our Families in Meaningful EndingsAmong the many celebrations, final projects, proms, and graduations, there are also many goodbyes that play out at the end of the school year. This year, it feels more dramatic than other years though there are always goodbyes in May. Favorite teachers are moving on. Our son has befriended numerous seniors who have just enjoyed their final day and (literal) run from the school. Professionally, we — co-writer (and partner) Jason and I — are ending a Leadership Lab at our son’s high school in which we’ve grown close relationships and a deep investment in teachers, students, and parents’ success. There are so many goodbyes to say over the coming weeks.

It seems there’s an art and a science to saying goodbye. Though it may happen in an instant, more typically, goodbyes are a process over time. They can be filled with a range of emotions including sadness, fear of the unknown, excitement over what’s next, gratitude, resignation, and even, denial. One of the many nuggets of wisdom I recall from the play, “Hamilton,” is the notion of George Washington teaching the country to say goodbye. In essence, we too have that opportunity in the month of May. We can teach our children and our teens how to say goodbye. And what a critical life skill it is! If we do it well, we’ll feel the feelings associated with our goodbyes moving all the way through them to the other side. And that feeling-all-the-way-through will help us become fully present to our new beginnings like the promise of summer fun, freedom, and adventures.

Depending on who and why we are saying goodbye, our experience may be very different including the emotions we’ll be experiencing.

If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll share our gratitude and appreciations in meaningful ways. We’ll feel the fullness of our experience with that person. And we’ll give them our best send off as we wish them well on their way to whatever future awaits.

If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll feel the sadness, the bittersweetness that comes from watching someone we care about move on. We’ll relish in the best of our times together and what they’ve taught us that will indeed live on in our hearts and spirits. And as we let go, we’ll feel the fullness of being better having known them for a season and a reason. Those are the ways of the heart, – our experiences and expressions – or the art of saying goodbye.

The science of saying goodbye tells us that “well-rounded endings,” or the feeling that you’ve done everything you can to complete the experience with the person to the fullest degree possible, lead to the highest positive feelings leaving little regret and easing the transition to the new in the best way possible. In studies of students who studied abroad, for example, those who had a well-rounded ending – a ritual or a connecting goodbye – experienced more positive feelings afterward, held less regret about missing out on other experiences, and had an easier time transitioning back home.1

In this busy time, we can skip the process of saying goodbyes, avoid our feelings, and instead, perform the logistical tasks required of the moment. Buy a card. Stick a potted plant on a desk. Race to the next task. And the get-it-done style may check off the boxes on our lengthy list but it misses the significant opportunity of modeling and teaching your children how to say goodbye.

Here are some ways in which to engage in the well-rounded ending that will bring your school year to meaningful close and demonstrate the value of the relationships forged over the past year.

Write down the impact the person has had on your life.

On a recent stay with my parents, both lifelong educators, I came across my Mother’s retirement album. Every page of the album was filled with layers of note cards and letters from students who took the time to not just say thank you, but explain why and how my Mom made a difference in their learning and their life. And now in her retirement, she returns to read those notes on particularly challenging days when she needs a reminder that she’s truly made a meaningful impact on people. As you consider the teachers, administrators, and pupil support staff who have made an impact on you, your child, and/or your family, take the time to write it down and get specific. Spend time with your child or teen coming up with the content to incorporate their thoughts and feelings. Or spend a little time in a dinner conversation considering educators’ impacts and turn those into a letter. Perhaps pass the letter around for each member who has been impacted to contribute a paragraph. Your reflections just may be carefully placed in an album to offer emotional sustenance as that person ages far beyond your time together.

Draw and create art to show your gratitude.

Art can be one of the sincerest expressions of the heart. You may have a child that naturally gravitates to the drawing board. If you do, then encourage a piece of art that reflects your child’s appreciation for their teacher. Don’t want to draw? Print off photos of your child’s work from a class and make a collage. This can become a lasting keepsake for a teacher.

Mark the occasion with a meaningful and reflective gathering.

Are you saying goodbye to a group of people – a team, a committee, a class? Though this time of year is filled with events, people make a priority of attending ending gatherings so why not host one? It need not be elaborate. It could take place at school so that it’s convenient for students, teachers, and parents alike. Make your gathering meaningful by not only serving sweet treats but also, giving each person the opportunity to reflect on each other’s contributions and offer gratitude for your experiences together. Take a page from our high schoolers who sign one another’s yearbooks with expressions of appreciation. Hang a poster for each person to sign and write appreciations or have note cards at the ready and ask people to write and then give to others at the gathering.

Create a ritual.

If it’s a graduation year for your child, you have a milestone ritual to look forward to. But if not, creating a ritual can be a way to mark the transition and create a well-rounded goodbye. Perhaps your ceremony involves offering a new class a resource you’ve created or wisdom nuggets to pass on from your learning. Jason’s choir had a ceremony in which they robed the new incoming choir members in a procession with music. Though a ritual requires some thought about what might be meaningful to participants, it can create memories that last a lifetime and seal the goodbye with that full circle feeling of satisfied completion.

Because schools are central to our family’s lives and our children’s learning, they are the places of numerous beginnings and endings. If we are feeling sad about saying goodbye, that indicates that there was a richness and an importance in your life that you will miss or that you recognize as a treasure. I hope you’ll take some quiet moments to consider how you are creating meaningful, well-rounded endings with your family. May your goodbyes this season include taking the time to linger in the gratitude for the many who have made a difference in your own and your children’s lives.

References:

Schwörer, B., Krott, N. R., & Oettingen, G. (2020). Saying goodbye and saying it well: Consequences of a (not) well-rounded ending. Motivation Science, 6(1), 21–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/mot0000126

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And Ideas for Parents and Educators on Ways to Manage ItBy Erin Lillie-McMains

When you think of the topic, “coping with anxiety,” what comes to mind? Perhaps you think of tried and true techniques such as deep breathing, visualization, or cognitive reframing. Or maybe you think of less clinical but still highly effective coping strategies such as laughing with a friend over a cup of coffee, going for a jog, or listening to a curated playlist that brings a sense of calm and peace. Coping strategies are many and varied, and often highly specific to the person using them.

As a middle school social worker and parent of two teens and a pre-teen, I really can’t think of a topic that comes up more frequently than anxiety. The changes that accompany adolescent development; physical, cognitive, emotional, and social cause even the most “typical” middle schooler to experience periods of heightened anxiety. If you factor in those students who have experienced trauma, learning challenges, mental health diagnoses, economic stress, or recent immigration, the anxiety numbers continue to climb. Top all of this off with a global pandemic and well, it’s no wonder we are seeing anxiety at never-before-seen rates.

As with any crisis, the opportunity for imagination, innovation, and problem solving is rich and many schools, mental health practitioners, and parents have stepped up. It’s rather commonplace in many middle schools for twelve-year-olds to recognize they are feeling anxious before a test and to know at least three breathing techniques they can use before starting the test. I’ve had numerous students explain to me the neurological phenomenon of fight, flight, or freeze and be able to tell me which of the three affect them the most. They’ve learned all about mental health and the brain in their Health classes. We have homerooms that practice mindfulness, multiple ways for students to reach out to school mental health staff if they need assistance calming anxious thoughts, and parent newsletters and special speakers to help families know how to support their anxious adolescent. Schools and families are doing remarkable things and trying in earnest to help our kids experience more calm.

However, in the last few years, I’ve found myself wondering about something that, at first glance, may not seem related to anxiety at all. It is the ever increasing use of digital education platforms with the capability to provide near-instant feedback about grades. To be clear, the platforms themselves are not necessarily the problem. They are amazing tools that help teachers organize loads of educational data and carefully track students’ progress. Thankfully, it is far less likely than it used to be for a teacher to not notice that a student is failing Science until the end of the term. Teachers can conference with students early in the decline process and help them make adjustments and get back on track.

In fact, as with so many modern phenomena, education platforms with rapid evaluative feedback came along and seemed like the antidote to anxiety. Are you worried about your child’s grades? Just log on to Infinite Campus at midnight and check. Anxious that your child might not be learning Algebra well enough to progress to Geometry? You can check Power School and see every score on every Algebra assessment throughout the months of January and February. If you’re a 7th grader and really want to make high honor roll, you can calculate your grade at any point in time and know exactly what score you need to get on tomorrow’s quiz in order to maintain your “A.” It’s all accessible at the click of a mouse or the tap of an iPhone screen. So easy! So stress free! Or is it?

One of the most powerful anxiety buffers during adolescent development is a sense of agency. As children emerge from elementary school, they start to become more abstract and critical thinkers. They are less intent on pleasing teachers and adults, and they definitely have their own opinions…on everything. Yes, they meant to style their hair that way. Yes, those mismatched socks look good with Crocks. Why would you even question it? (massive eye roll). They need to differentiate themselves from their family of origin. They need to seek new adventures in asserting their independence. They need to call the shots in their own life. Of course, they are far from ready to call all the shots and still need a tremendous amount of careful guidance. This is what makes parenting adolescents so hard at times. They want you near and often want your advice, but when you offer it, they sharply reject it and go a different route. But that rejection is more about them testing out their newfound sense of agency than a reflection on our best advice, and it is 100% NORMAL. My concern is that online education platforms that provide rapid evaluative feedback to students and parents take away a good amount of student agency. This, in turn, may quite unintentionally be contributing to student (and parent!) anxiety.

I’m going to show my age here, but remember back in the day when you did lousy on a quiz or test and your parents had no idea? First of all, you didn’t even get the quiz or test back for a week because well, all those red ballpoint pen comments take a while. Secondly, by the time you got it back, your parents had completely forgotten you took it. I remember a lot of dinner table conversations with my parents that included the question, “Well, I know you don’t know the results yet, but how do you think you did?” Maybe I thought it went amazingly well and told them so. Maybe I thought it went terribly but still told them it went amazingly well. The point is, I had a lot of control and autonomy in that conversation to decide how much or how little to share, and they were going to forget about it in a few days anyway. I’d get my quiz back and choose whether or not to bring it up again. They really had zero knowledge of my individual performance on daily assignments, book reports, quizzes, and tests unless a teacher called them. They simply saw a black and white printed report card four times a year and figured that all those individual grades along the way were calculated correctly and life went on.

By sharp contrast, middle and high schoolers today know every score on every piece of work submitted during the quarter and their parents do as well. Not only do they know the score, they often know it within an hour of it being completed. The cycle goes something like this: The teen turns in a quiz. The teacher uses plan time an hour later to grade and input the score into the educational platform. The student, now in 5th period Language Arts, briefly wanders off task (I mean, their Chromebook is open anyway so who really knows if they are working on the assigned essay or checking grades?) The student sees they got a “D” and immediately starts feeling anxious, thinking about how this conversation is going to go with their parents after school and about the total point value so far this quarter and how many points they will have to recover in order to finish the quarter with an “A.” (By the way, the essay is no longer happening due to a lack of concentration caused by anxiety so that’s another homework task for this evening post soccer, violin, and SAT prep class). Meanwhile, the parent is working from home and gets a cheery “ping!” telling them that a grade has been inputted in the educational platform, so they briefly wander away from work and check on the grade. Seeing it’s a “C,” their anxiety level spikes and they immediately start thinking about the conversation they are going to have with their teen that evening and wondering what could have possibly gone wrong on this quiz. Although the parent knows they should return to work and handle this later, curiosity takes over and their anxiety coupled with the anxiety that they know their child is probably now feeling while sitting in 5th period causes them to email the teacher. “Is there any way this quiz was graded incorrectly?” “Can she retake the quiz tomorrow at lunch or after school?” “Do you think we need to hire a Math tutor?” The teacher receives this email just before his lunch break and although he knows this is his downtime and it is important to unplug and relax a little (after all, the principal just talked about professional boundaries and burnout prevention at the last staff meeting), he also knows this is just another task he’ll have to do after school so he decides to reply to the email now.

We could keep going with this exercise, but honestly if you’ve followed it this far I’m impressed. Dare I ask…are you feeling anxious? The point is that while digital education platforms are incredible in their ability to hold and organize data and to communicate numeric scores with students and parents, we must help students and families use them in beneficial ways. I fear that when they are used with no guardrails and no parent guidance, they take away that sense of control and agency many adolescents need. Rather than lower student anxiety levels they actually raise them. My high schooler tells me some of her friends get super stressed when their parents text them during the school day asking about an assignment that just got flagged as “missing”. I’ve worked with students at my middle school going through extreme emotional hardship and adjustment issues. Despite caring teachers telling them not to worry about specific grades, these students compulsively check the education platform twenty times a day to calculate points and averages. They feel defeated every time they see a low score. Students who suffer with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or perfectionism also tend to over-focus on scores and points, checking the platform every five minutes until that last lab score has been entered and they can be assured they will maintain their “A+.” Even students who are fairly high functioning and emotionally healthy are prone to getting overly focused on scores and points, which takes away from the joy, adventure, healthy risk-taking, and the resulting failure that should be involved in the learning process.

So what can be done to bring about some healthy boundaries when using digital education platforms that provide rapid feedback? As with most challenges, there is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Children are different. Families are different. Circumstances are different. Let’s explore a few possibilities.

1. Engage parents in conversations not only about the nuts and bolts of using the digital education platform, but also about how often to check their student’s grades. Schools can offer emotionally supportive guidance on how to bring up tough topics such as missing assignments and low grades with their child. Schools can look for natural times that parents are in the building such as Back-to-school nights, Curriculum Nights, Parent-Teacher Conferences, Principal Coffees, or PTA meetings and have handouts prepared. Maybe when parents stop by the tech help desk to figure out how to reset their password, they can also get a tip sheet that prompts them to think about the best boundaries for their child. Perhaps when Chromebooks are issued, the forms sent home to parents include this tip sheet so that right from the beginning, parents are thinking about their individual child and what boundaries would work best.
2. Some schools have started to limit online platform access, actually turning it off during certain hours. This requires a good deal of collaboration between school communities, parents, and technology teams, but it’s an interesting idea that’s worth considering. Perhaps a district decides the platform will not be accessible after 9:00pm or before 7:00am. Maybe the platform is shut down on Saturdays. It could even be shut down during the majority of school hours so as not to serve as a distraction to students who need to focus deeply on their learning.
3. Parents can consider their notification settings and adjust them to what brings a sense of healthy boundaries. If you know you are a worrier and have difficulty focusing on anything other than the “D” you just saw pop up on your child’s grade report, consider turning those notifications off. Many families have successfully navigated this territory by setting aside one day a week with their child to log onto the platform together and check grades. Maybe it’s a Friday night ritual. Celebrate the successes of the week and check for any missing work that could be addressed over the weekend.
4. Parents can plan ahead emotionally and behaviorally for how they want to handle a low grade or missing assignment. I had parents ask, “How do I keep my own anxiety in check when I look at those missing assignments?” First of all – breathe. Remember: You were a teenager at one time too. You bombed quizzes and forgot to turn in assignments. What would your mental state have been like if your parents saw every assignment, quiz, or test grade every day? Be aware of your emotional reaction to the notifications. If you just saw a missing assignment pop up on your phone and then your son walks through the door five minutes later, is now the best time to address it? Are you calm enough? It’s also helpful to just ask your child, “Hey, if I see something concerning about a missing assignment, how do you want me to bring it up? I want to help you stay on track, but I don’t want to stress you out.”
5. Finally, adolescents should be part of the solution! I’ve seen a huge shift in recent years as students start to learn more about their own mental health through Tier 1 social and emotional learning (SEL) curricula and excellent Health and Wellness classes. I’ve had precious moments in my office with teary sixth graders saying, “ I know I’m probably feeling more emotional right now because of puberty and my changing brain.” Teens understand their emotions and brains in a way my generation certainly never did, so why not educate them on the effect of checking their grades ten times a day and how to set healthy boundaries? They are already having similar conversations about their phone use and Social Media, so this would just be a natural extension of those familiar topics.

We are making good progress in the area of anxiety and there are passionate, dedicated, and thoughtful educators and parents committed to continuing this improvement. In addition to stress balls, deep breathing, and mindfulness meditations, we need to have difficult and nuanced conversations about the benefits and disadvantages of rapid performance feedback on educational platforms and how we can empower all involved to use them to their fullest potential while also setting healthy boundaries.

Erin Lillie-McMains is an L.C.S.W. and middle school social worker in the greater Chicagoland area. She has worked with adolescents for twenty-four years and helped a school based team implement Social Emotional Learning curricula. Most importantly, she is a parent of two high schoolers and one middle schooler.

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Despite the fact that my son goes to an excellent school, there are a handful of impactful teachers who announced they are leaving this year. Why we ask? There are rumblings of how little they get paid and how much out of work time they spend on their jobs. There’s also been a turnover with top leadership. And with new leadership coming in, we can imagine the unpredictabilities of how it will change their work lives and especially, their autonomy. With those insights, it’s no wonder.

Teacher and school leadership attrition rates have been a long-standing problem in education that seems to have been exacerbated during and since the pandemic. In Ohio, for example, the starting salary for a teacher is hovering just slightly above poverty level income for a family of four. How is that acceptable for those who share the awesome responsibility of educating our children? But of course, there are other factors that also influence retention. How much leadership support does a teacher have? How much autonomy do they have in the classroom? How much support and collaboration goes on between and among teachers? Interestingly, one factor that is not mentioned at all by the Learning Policy Institute in their data analysis is a teacher’s relationships with students and parents. Though we know, they can have a powerful impact.

Every teacher and educational leader wants to know that they are making an impact. They want to feel they are achieving their purpose and that students have learned a significant amount through their classes. And all too often, they hear complaints — whether from students, parents, or both — about the workload, the curriculum, or grading. This is an area where we have some influence and control. We can offer specifics on how they’ve changed our lives for the better.

So as we approach Teacher Appreciation Week, May 6-10, it’s worth taking some time to think through which teachers have truly impacted your children’s learning and in turn, your family, for the better. At our school, they are organizing meals and massages, but as I ask teachers what matters most to them, it’s the feedback from students and families that confirm they are in the right place. Here are some ways to show those important individuals that you treasure their contributions to educating your child.

1. Reflect as a family.

Spend some time at the dinner table or riding in the car when you are together talking about your child or teen’s teachers. We definitely hear about the problem times from our children. We hear about the test that was so long and hard and the assignment that was way too challenging. But we may have to dig a little for the positives. Sometimes, launching into the subject can stir stories from your child and teen.

Here are a few conversation prompts to get you started:

• I notice your teacher is ____________ (insert asset: kind, caring, understanding, creative). Have you noticed that too? When was that the case?
• I wonder how this school year was different from other years. What class did you love the most? What classroom activity did you love the most?
• Your teacher seemed particularly helpful this year. Did you notice there was a time when you were struggling and s/he helped you?
• What do you think you learned most this year? And how did that learning happen?

2. Record the stories and reflections.

When you can, write down what you heard! It can be on a simple notecard or if you have the time, involve your child or teen in writing and drawing a card. As I page through my Mom’s retirement album after teaching for forty years, every page of it contains letters and notes from students and parents over the years that fill an entire album. She’s saved every one and she reads through them when she needs a boost. This reflections can make all the difference when a teacher is asking the question: what impact am I making?

3. Encourage in-person feedback.

With those teachers who are leaving this year, I’ve talked with my son about how he will express his appreciation. Often, children and teens are reluctant to talk with teachers. After all, they are authority figures and our children may need some encouraging. My son decided he was going to sit in on a few of the final classes of his favorite history teacher to show he is soaking in those last opportunities with him. A small child may offer appreciation through a hug or a few words of thank you. Middle school age students who tend to resist communication with adults may feel better handing a teacher a note rather than speaking up themselves. And, of course, a voice mail message or email from a parent or a stop by their classroom with words of appreciation can make a teacher’s day.

Those teachers who pour all of their passion into teaching their students are invaluable and can leave an indelible mark on our children. Be sure you take a little time this season to get specific about the ways in which they’ve made a difference with you and your family!

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This week, we recognize the hard work and commitment of so many parents and caregivers who volunteer as coaches, as mentors, as room parents, as PTA members, and a wide range of other roles. As they do, they create more caring and participatory school communities and play roles that schools simply don’t have the funding or capacity to fulfill. We know that these parents and caregivers who are actively contributing to our schools have the potential to make a significant difference in creating a sense of safety, belonging, and community focused on our children’s well-being, learning, and thriving.

We realize that volunteering for your children’s school is a privilege and a luxury that not all can enjoy. For single parents, for parents who work multiple jobs, or in other circumstances, families care deeply and are passionate about their children’s education, but volunteering is just not possible. So to those parents and caregivers, we appreciate you and your particular circumstances. We plan to prepare parents who are able to volunteer with the skills and strategies to include all families including those who may not be able to attend events. If we learn ways in which to invite all in — in the ways in which they are capable — we’ll discover we are stronger together.

Check out the following video of parent school volunteers who answer the question: why do you prioritize volunteering? And then, check out the video after this one in which Jennifer Miller makes a big announcement!

We are so grateful for your hard work and passion parent school volunteers!

And for the announcement from Jennifer Miller…

Sign up below to get the first online tour in August!Submit a form.

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The lives of our children and our teens can easily be relegated to indoor time as they go to school and participate in extracurriculars like sports in gyms and music or plays in theaters. And when at home, they go on their devices to connect with friends or scroll through social media. Because of our ever-growing fascination with and use of technology, we find ourselves with less and less time to go outside. This creates further disconnections between ourselves and nature. Our kids may not feel a sense of responsibility to the environment because of this disconnect. And truly in order to invest our time, money, and precious resources in anything, we require a safe, caring relationship. So how are we helping our family cultivate a relationship with nature?

First, since a caring relationship is necessary, how can you engage your children in showing care? I asked some families how they get outside and here’s what I heard:

• We go to a local park every day after school to play and get out that Spring energy.
• I take my kids out to look for birds during their great migration. We head to a different park each time we are free and try and identify the type of birds we see through binoculars.
• My son loves to go creeking. He puts on protective boots and we head to a creek with friends as soon as the weather permits.
• We love to take bike rides.
• We pick out seeds and plant them in our yard together.

Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970 and now, the entire month of April is considered Earth month in an effort to call attention to how we all need to care for our home planet. Perhaps just making a commitment to get outside with your family more might be one simple step you can take to create a more caring relationship between your family and nature? Watch this poem by Amanda Gordon titled “Earthrise” to feel inspired to do more to care for our planet!

Here are a few more ideas of steps you can take with your family to recognize the importance of our home planet this month:

1. Connect

Simply spending time in nature whether it involves walking to your nearest patch of grass, heading to a local park or traveling to a state or national park. Make sure when you do you, you create the conditions to become fully present and aware. Put devices away. Notice the details of the environment. Use all of your senses to guide your noticing. What can you see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Touch?

Bring nature journals or drawing pads with you to fine-tune your attention on the details together.

2. Care

Learning together to care for your environment helps children learn about their role and responsibility with the natural world around them. Create a small garden if you have a yard or find a sunny window to grow plants. Start small! When you buy seeds or starters, be sure and read about the needs of the plant. How much sun do they need? Plant food? Soil condition? Amount of watering? Then, plant and work on caring for those plants together.

Visit a grocery store with your child that carries local produce and/or meats and seafood. Note which foods you buy are locally sourced. Take note of where non-local foods are from and consider the kinds of transportation necessary to get it to you. Before eating dinner together, share gratitude for all those people and the natural resources involved in bringing you your meal.

3. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Discuss water use in your household. How can you fill the dishwasher thoroughly or the washing machine before you run a load? Children can learn to turn off the water while they are brushing their teeth. Create a rain barrel to reuse rain water when watering your lawn or garden. These steps may seem small and even insignificant but they do offer ways in which to teach your children to pay attention to how they use natural resources like water.

Take a family trip to the local dump. As you drive, discuss what you tend to throw away. Assign someone as a scribe to write down what items could be rinsed and recycled. Make sure you have recycle bins in the house and your children know how to look for the triangle to determine whether the item can be recycled.

This past year, our family began participating in a compost program. We save all of our food scraps and take them to a booth in our local farmer’s market. They, in turn, take all of the refuse and turn it into compost. We have marveled at the volume of food scraps that are now headed to composting that will nourish new crops that were previously filling the landfill.

4. Learn

If you do spend more time in nature camping or hiking in a state or national park, take the time to learn before your next trip how to leave no trace. Check out the site: Seven Principles of Leave No Trace.

Or in your own home or when you travel, discover what native lands you are on and learn about those tribes. Download the Native Lands app on your phone and use wherever you roam. Learn about how indigenous peoples related to the land and preserve natural resources and find out what practices you might try out in your own life.

Also, check out the PBS Livestream for Earth Month with a wide range of spectacular facts about the natural world to add to our appreciation.

As I talk to parents about what they want to teach their children and the legacy they want to leave behind, I often hear that individuals want to leave the world a better place than they found it. One important way we can do that is to examine how we support, care for and help grow the natural resources that surround us and support us each day so that they are around for generations to come.

Check out these terrific children and teen books to support your conversation:

Braiding Sweetgrass for Young Adults – learn more about how indigenous wisdom leads us to create a reciprocal relationship with all living things including the Earth herself.

What a Waste; Trash, Recycling, and Protecting Our Planet by Jess French

My First Book of Reduce, Reuse and Recycle by Asa Gilland

Ten Things I Can Do to Help My World by Melanie Walsh

For Parents:

The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg

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by Mari Jones

Even at the adolescent age of fourteen, Colby and I can still talk about anything. This didn’t happen by accident; it was intentional. I started working at a charter school that emphasizes social and emotional learning (SEL) when Colby was just a baby, and the practices that helped me to develop students into critical thinkers, problem solvers, and empathetic human beings also greatly helped my parenting as I navigated the many challenging topics that came up.

Whether we attend to it or not, kids are actively making sense of the world all the time. Their sense-making informs the way they interact with others, the way they see themselves, and the impact they have on the world around them. Like most parents, I often wondered about when it would be the right age to discuss certain challenging topics, and more importantly, how might I go about those conversations. As a social and emotional learning (SEL) educator and a parent, I saw teachable moments everywhere.

Our world and our experiences provide a powerful text to inspire children’s natural curiosity. We just have to be willing to be brave enough to go there with them.

When Colby was younger, I decided to lean into those teachable moments as they arose. I saw them as opportunities to build social awareness, empathy, and responsible decision- making skills. My intention as a parent has been to be as honest with Colby as possible, with the belief that he is capable of understanding the world and using the new knowledge to develop his decision-making schema.

Throughout these conversations with Colby, my goals have always been:

• To make him feel safe;
• To share just enough;
• To answer his questions seriously;
• To connect the conversation to big ideas about the world.

While these conversations can come up at any time, I’ve found that many times they happen in the car on the way to or from school. It is in these moments that Colby and I can connect with one another and have a dedicated time and space for deep conversations. Here are some strategies that might help you as you navigate your own conversations with the young people in your life.

1. Embrace the questions.

Colby has always been naturally curious. So curious was this kiddo that when he was in first grade, his self-selected superhero alter ego was “Question Man.” He even had a cape with question marks all over it! Questions allowed him to lead the conversation and I have always tried to answer honestly with factual information that he could understand.

Sometimes, the questions would come out of nowhere, and I would feel unprepared, like with the one below. If you aren’t sure what a child is thinking or where a question is coming from, just say – “Tell me more,” or “What do you mean?” Their response not only buys you some time to think, but also sheds light on the thinking behind their question.

C: Mom, do people choose not to have kids?

M: Yes.

C: Do you know anyone who is married and chose not to have kids?

M: Sharmi and Dean are married and they are not having kids. Jake and Annie are married and are not having kids.

C: But HOW do people choose not to have kids?

M: What do you mean?

C: How do they stop it?

M: Well, there are ways to prevent having kids, like you can take a pill. I take a pill.

C: But boys don’t take a pill.

M: No, it’s for women. Boys do other things.

C: So you aren’t having any more kids.

M: Nope.

In this case, I didn’t feel like I needed to get into the weeds about how a baby is made, and also the details about contraception. However, when he was nine, we started readingIt’s So Amazing, A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, and Families together as a read aloud. This book shares information accurately and inclusively, and reading it aloud together allowed us to have conversations led by his questions that came up. This leads us to tip number two.

2. Ground the conversation in a shared text.

When I’m unsure about how to talk about a topic, it can be helpful to have a shared text; a book, an art piece, a TV show, or a movie, that helps to frame the conversation. Any text can be helpful in generating questions that he might be curious about, but informational texts are particularly helpful so that I don’t feel like I have to generate all the answers myself.

When Colby was eleven, we read Jason Reynold’s and Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You together as a read aloud. Again, this shared text about the history of racism raised all kinds of questions and allowed us to share what we thought about the experiences of the people and the events that happened. It also allowed us to make connections with how oppression continues to shape our country in the present day. During these conversations, I asked a lot of open-ended questions because I wanted to teach him how to think critically, not just tell him what to think. Because the text we were reading was aligned with my own worldview, I made a point to share that some people believe differently. For example, when we read about the invention of race to justify the enslavement of Africans, I told him this information was something I only learned as an adult and that many people believed race was just a fact of life or based on science. I asked him why he thought this was the case, which led to a rich conversation about whose and what stories get shared, and why. We talked about how the sources we get information from might promote one perspective more than another which is important when forming our own opinions.

In general, I refrain from sharing my opinions directly unless he asks, and instead, I offer facts and multiple perspectives, then ask him what he thinks. If I notice some alternative conceptions, then I probe with more questions to get a better understanding of his understanding. Oftentimes the conversations might end there for the moment, but get built upon another time.

3. Normalize the conversation.

Children make judgments about whether something is “normal,” “okay” or “something not to be spoken about” based on our actions, words, and the things we choose to stay silent about. When Colby was seven, he heard someone say that Julia was getting married to Nikki. He asked:

C: Is a lady marrying another lady?

M: Yes.

C: Ah, one of those couples. Because, you know, sometimes ladies marry guys.

M: Yes, sometimes they do.

While this was a small conversation, it had big implications. How different might the message have been if instead I had said, “Yes, they typically do”? The choice to say “sometimes” intentionally pushes against the heteronormative conditioning of our society, and allows for a more inclusive idea of what can be “normal.” My hope is that this develops him to be more thoughtful, empathetic, and inclusive. Not only that, it lets him know that he is accepted and welcomed no matter how he identifies and that families can take many forms.

Whether the conversation was about sex, racism, drugs, or prison, the message was always that it’s okay to talk about it, because that’s how we learn things. And we learn by looking at how things came to be this way and understanding the facts so that he can come to his own conclusions.

Kids Are Capable

Colby is not a unique case. In my experience, when given the opportunity to engage in conversations that matter, young people consistently show their ability to question, to empathize, to connect, and to shape their future actions. Watching young people develop their self-awareness, their social awareness, and their critical consciousness are some of my favorite things about being a parent and a teacher. So, the next time your kiddo asks, “Why?” or you encounter another teachable moment, lean into it! You’ll be amazed and surprised by what can happen when we talk about hard things.

Mari Jones is the Director of the Deeper Learning Hub and an improvement facilitator at the Center for Research on Equity and Innovation at High Tech High Graduate School of Education. She is an elementary educator turned large-scale change maker, and is passionate about the intersection of social and emotional learning and project-based learning as a powerful pathway to deeper learning.

Mari’s Book Recommendations:

It’s So Amazing! was created in response to repeated requests from parents, teachers, librarians, and health professionals for an up-to-date book about sex and sexuality for children who were still too young for It’s Perfectly Normal. Once again, the Bird and Bee are up to their antics, but this time they’re younger. In It’s So Amazing!, these reassuring characters reflect the many moods of children age 7 and up: silly, serious, curious, embarrassed. Their voices echo the thoughts, questions, and concerns of a younger audience.

For ages 12 and up, Stamped is a timely, crucial, and empowering exploration of racism–and antiracism–in America. The construct of race has always been used to gain and keep power, to create dynamics that separate and silence. This is a remarkable reimagining of Dr. Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped from the Beginning, winner of a National Book Award. It reveals the history of racist ideas in America and inspires hope for an antiracist future. Stamped takes you on a race journey from then to now, shows you why we feel how we feel, and why the poison of racism lingers. It also proves that while racist ideas have always been easy to fabricate and distribute, they can also be discredited.

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Parents and Children Owning Responsibility for Actions in the Classroom of LifeFor the longest time, I perceived saying the words, I am sorry, as a weakness. Over the years, as I grew into parenthood, and began to deal with my own childhood trauma, I realized that saying those three words was a sign of true strength.

I am far from the “seasoned” parent, but what I am most proud of is that I give myself the gift of learning from my kids, instead of always assuming the role of “teacher.” We are our kids’ teachers, but they are also our teachers. Each of us are students of life. As parents, we call it “our job” to take care of our kids, which includes also teaching them how to survive; how to be strong, compassionate, resilient, self-aware, and so much more. As a parent, we can get so stuck in being in power in our roles that we forget our children have been given to us as gifts for our own growth. They need us and we need them. Forgetting this fact, we often can prevent ourselves from showing vulnerability or losing “face” in front of our children.

Growing up, rarely did I hear the words “I am sorry” because it meant my guardians and parents believed they couldn’t own up to any wrongdoing nor could they show vulnerability. When I became a parent, I found myself reminding my children to say that phrase when they’d done something they needed to apologize for. As I continued over the years to urge them to apologize, I realized I didn’t say it nearly as much as they deserved to hear it from me. The words didn’t roll off of my tongue like I expected it to roll off of theirs. Yet I constantly urged them to say those three words — “I am sorry.”

Children, especially mine, have a way of holding the mirror up to us truly showing us the way forward.

I didn’t expect my family or my parents to apologize when I was eight years old, but for sure there were things that they should have apologized for. The reality was that I withdrew from them when they couldn’t own up to their mistakes. I was reminded of this when, one day, I allowed my temper to get the better of me. I had allowed Aviah to use my special markers for her art project. I had encouraged her to use my things instead of the way I had been taught growing up with the “Don’t touch that, it’s not yours” mentality from adults or the “You can’t use that because you’ll never put it back” response. I tried to live out the “what’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine” approach when parenting my kids, especially when Aviah decided to take my markers without asking to create her masterpiece. Yet, my insides were boiling, and I wanted to yell at her, and remind her of what I had asked her to do so many times — to ask first. I played over the scene in my head of what it might look and sound like if I chose to yell. That pause made me consider how she would respond to my yelling. I knew in my heart she just wanted to create, and the markers helped her achieve her goal. I had to breathe my way through it, until I found my way to the other side of my anger.

One thing that I’ve come to understand is that I don’t want my kids to look back on their childhood and say I never recognized when I did something wrong. Raising girls can be a double challenge. While I want to teach them when and how to say they’re sorry, I don’t want them to apologize for things that they have no business apologizing for; other people’s emotions or neglectful choices. Owning their part remains the central lesson so I have to own my part.

Saying the words, “I am sorry” is an act of love. I’m learning that no matter what my perception of any wrong that may have been done or not done, it doesn’t necessarily matter if the person on the receiving end continues to feel hurt. Modeling when to use and when not to use the words, “I’m sorry” for my kids and answering the questions that they have along the way about why it is or isn’t important creates trust in our relationship and teaches responsibility. Together, as parent and child, we can learn in the classroom of life.

Nikkya Hargrove is an alum of Bard College and a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is able to be pre-ordered now and published by Algonquin Books. She lives in Connecticut with her one son and two daughters and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy. Learn more at https://www.nikkyamhargrove.com.

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By Kate Feinberg Robins, Ph.D.

My son was a pandemic preschooler. In the fall of 2022, he was one of many first graders who had never set foot in a large educational institution. Over the course of his first grade year, we discovered that while he excelled academically, he struggled to communicate effectively in the school context.

At home, he communicated in Spanish with me and in English with his dad. We understood his quirky vocabulary and phrasing. We knew what triggered him to clam up and stop talking. We knew how to read his gestures and contextualize his words. Most of the time, we could figure out what he was trying to say, and could get him to express it to us – eventually.

At school it was a different story. It seemed that no one had time to wait for him to find the words. His quirky bilingual expressions were misunderstood, leading him to act out in frustration. When he was in trouble or upset, he would remain quiet while others spoke up. He refused to talk to teachers, monitors, or counselors.

As an anthropologist, I was unapologetic about sending a bilingual first grader out into the world. I wanted his school to value him for who he was—a sensitive, thoughtful, multilingual child. Yet I also knew that at some point he had to learn to navigate the first of many institutional contexts he would encounter in his life. I had to find a way to bridge the gap, to advocate for my son to be listened to, heard, and valued, while also teaching him the skills he would need to advocate for himself.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some strategies:

1. Share your child’s background with the teacher.

Share any language, cultural, or personal information that might help the teacher (or principal or other staff) understand how your child communicates. This might require taking time to notice things yourself. You might ask family or friends to share observations with you. Bring to the meeting any resources and ideas that you think the teacher might find useful.

I’ve told teachers that my son is fluent in English but sometimes uses words and grammar translated from Spanish. I ask whether they know any Spanish, and sometimes find that even if they know just a little, thinking through that lens can help them connect and understand him.

I’ve also shared excerpts from the book The Highly Sensitive Person, which includes a couple pages on how to work with sensitive students. Acknowledge that teachers may not be able or willing to implement specific recommendations, and give them the benefit of the doubt that they’ll take the information and do what’s best for their classroom.

2. Establish achievable learning objectives that you can work on with your child.

Find out how your child is expected to communicate at school, what they are struggling with, and where they excel. How are they doing with class participation, language assignments, peer play, and conflict resolution? What are the consequences when they get it wrong? How are they encouraged when they get it right? Find ways to reinforce their strengths and scaffold their learning in areas that need work.

Frame each learning objective with the phrase, “[My child] will be able to _________” and fill in the blank with an observable behavior. Then find ways to help them achieve it.

My son’s teacher praised his handwriting, reading skills, and thoughtful contributions to class discussions. But he was failing to communicate verbally in overstimulating or stressful situations. I was able to talk with him about things he had read or done in class for which he was receiving praise, and then help him rephrase his thoughts in more standard English. From there, I could help him articulate situations with peers in ways that would make sense to school staff.

What you are able to do with your child depends on your own situation. In my case, I continued speaking with him in Spanish so that he wouldn’t lose his bilingualism, but I made sure he knew how to talk about school in standard English.

3. Model communication strategies.

Point out to your child how you change your ways of talking in different contexts. They have probably already observed this during their preschool years, but may not have thought about it. Draw their attention to how you speak, dress, and prepare yourself for different situations. When getting ready to leave the house, ask your child to think about how they will speak, dress, or behave. Allow them to make their own decisions (within reason), but ask them to decide deliberately and go out with intention.

4. Be willing to find a more supportive learning environment if necessary.

Communication is a two-way street. If you’ve done your part to bridge the gap and don’t seem to be getting anywhere, it may be time to consider requesting a classroom switch or transferring your child to another school.

In the end, we moved our son to a school that has the staff and the will to meet him halfway. He is flourishing. He speaks with teachers, staff, and classmates. He is valued for who he is while also learning to meet expectations.

April is National Bilingual and Multilingual Learner Advocacy Month!CPCK Note: We also love The Highly Sensitive Child; Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron.

About the Author:

Kate Feinberg Robins has a PhD in cultural and linguistic anthropology from University of Illinois and a BA from Bard College. She has served as Editor of Neos, the flagship publication of the Anthropology of Childhood and Youth Interest Group of the American Anthropological Association. She has published in Neos and contributed a chapter to the 2nd Edition of A World of Babies: Imagined Childcare Guides for Eight Societies.

You can find Kate here:

http://www.findyourcenter-wellness.com

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The sun is nervous
as a kite
that can’t quite keep
its own string tight.
Some days are fair,
and some are raw.
The timid earth
decides to thaw.
Shy budlets peep
from twigs on trees,
and robins join
the chickadees.
Pale crocuses
poke through the ground
like noses come
to sniff around.
The mud smells happy
on our shoes.
We still wear mittens
which we lose.

– March by John Updike

Spring is a time of new life and can also be an ideal opportunity to work on awareness with your children. As a weekend gardener, I am noticing my tulips and daffodils emerging from the soil and the very tips of leaf buds on the trees. I am often amazed by the details that my son notices around him as we go through our day. But I shouldn’t be. Children are hard-wired to notice details. Because their brains are eagerly taking in and making sense of information in order to learn about their environment, they are able to receive many more details than we as adults do. Adults have processed so much over the years about their environment that we necessarily make assumptions and skip over details in order to deal with the sheer volume of information that comes at us daily. However, experiencing greater awareness with your children can enhance your own focus and presence in the moment and it can give your children valuable practice in doing the same. For children, practice in awareness can contribute to their focused attention on any task including school work and allow them the chance to exercise self-control.

Mindfulness can be defined as simply “finding ways to slow down and pay attention to the present moment.” Not only does a focus on the present moment reduce stress but it also makes us more sensitive to ourselves and those around us so that it can assist in our ability to resist impulses, listen with empathy, and make better decisions. It can contribute to better health and deepen our ability to learn. Most importantly, it contributes to our sense of well-being and happiness — and our family’s too.

Also some schools have recognized the value of teaching children about how their brains work and how they can become more aware of themselves in each moment so that they are able to focus on learning. The Mind Up Curriculum through the Goldie Hawn Foundation is a series of lessons and activities that promote greater awareness. These programs incorporate “Brain Breaks” throughout the day in which children simply learn to close their eyes and notice their breathing for a few minutes. That simple practice can help calm anxieties and engage them fully in the next activity.

There are many ways you might practice mindful awareness at home with your children. Practicing together can help you connect with your family and assist in managing stress around your household. Try one or more of the following this spring and see if it makes a difference for you.

Thought Awareness:
Modeling
Modeling presence with your child can be rewarding for both of you. After school is an ideal time since most children need a snack and a break from the rigorous schedule and demands of school. But pick the best time of day for you and just focus on your child and whatever they want to tell you. That often means we need to turn devices off and put them away. Then, notice what thoughts come into your head as you listen. Often we get distracted by thoughts of our own day. The to do list plays. If you notice this is happening, gently return yourself to the moment with your child and engage in listening to what they are saying. Ask related questions or make comments that deepen the conversation and continue to help you to focus on your child.

Breath Awareness:
Practicing Balloon Breathing
Tell your child that you have an organ in your body – the lungs – that acts like two connected balloons. Picture what the balloons look like together. Visualize them in your child’s favorite color. Close your eyes and envision with your child the air moving from the outside into your balloons expanding them a little. And then exhale as you visualize your balloons shrinking a bit. Try to do this for at least three breathes and see if your child enjoys balloon breathing.

Body Awareness:
Tightening and Releasing
When my son has a strong case of the wiggles before bedtime, I have used this exercise to help calm him down. Lie down side by side on the floor or on the child’s bed, backs to the floor. Close your eyes and ask your child to close his as well. Using a gentle voice, ask your child to pretend there is a tennis ball at the base of his feet. Ask him to try and grab the ball with his whole foot including his toes with all his might. Ask him to hold it for a few seconds. Then, let the ball go. Now ask him to pretend the ball is between his ankles. Squeeze the imaginary ball as hard as possible for a few seconds and then let it go. Try this at his knees, on his tummy, between his arms and his side, in his hands, at his neck and at the back of his head where it touches the floor. Each time tighten those muscles for a few seconds and then fully release. This will guide a child to notice each part of his body, focus on that part and send relaxation to that part of the body letting the tension go.

Sensory Awareness:
Eating a Raisin
In the Mind Up Curriculum, students fully experience eating a raising by paying attention to each aspect of the eating process. This is so simple to try at home. Take one raisin per person participating. Examine how the raisin looks on the table. Ask your child to describe it. Then, pick it up and feel it. How does it feel? Now smell it. Describe how it smells. Lastly, taste it slowly so that you savor each bite. See how many words you and your child can come up with to describe the taste of the raisin.

Environmental Awareness:
Walking and Noticing — A Bug or Bud Walk
“We’re going on a bug walk, a bug walk, a bug walk. We’re going on a bug walk to see what we can see,” we chant as we stalk the ground for insects. This is a game that is enjoyable no matter the age of the child and can be incorporated into any basic walk around the block. Also spring in particular is a great time to go on a “bud” walk and see if you can find budding leaves on trees, or plants and bushes coming up from the ground. This noticing creates a greater awareness of the environment in which you live.

Drawing or Painting a Still Life
I know I am at my most sensitive to the details of objects around me when I am drawing or painting them. To give your children a chance to look more closely, set up a still life that they might enjoy or that might engage them. A bowl of fruit might inspire you but your child could be excited by a pile of his favorite stuffed animals. Create a scene of many and varied small toys and ask your child to pick out the part that he is most interested in to draw in detail. Notice the detail together and talk about and point out the details of the subjects of your artwork.

Check out the following resources for more on mindfulness below. Give yourself and your family the gift of presence this spring. It will require your own awareness and some discipline to focus on your family in the moment. But the reward will be great.

Great Springtime Children’s Books about Awareness:
Wise Brown, Margaret. Author. McCue, Lisa. Illustrator. (2000). Bunny’s Noisy Book. NY: Hyperion Books for Children.
McCue, Lisa. Quiet Bunny’s Many Colors. NY: Sterling Publishing.

Check out this video on the Mind Up Curriculum in schools.
The Hawn Foundation. (2011). MindUp Curriculum; Brain-focused Strategies for Learning – and Living. NY: Scholastic.

For Parent Reading:

Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up; How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How their Brains Get Wired. NY: Ballantine Books.

Greenland, S.K. (2010). The Mindful Child; How to Help your Kid Manage Stress. NY: Free Press.

1 Ryan, T. (2012). A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance and Recapture the American Spirit. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.

Adapted from originally published on March 27, 2014.

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After several years of hard work, Mercer Island Youth and Family Services (MIYFS) lead by Michelle Ritter has partnered with the Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University under the leadership of Annmarie MacMahill with support from Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ authors Jennifer Miller and Shannon Wanless to create a parenting online resource called http://www.ParentingMercerIsland.org.

The project provides tools and information for parents and caregivers to find age-appropriate supports and a process to build life skills when responding to some of their greatest parenting challenges. The tools span the ages of birth through the teen years.

Parents and caregivers can access tools to address everyday parenting challenges by age and issue. Tools are based on an easy-to-use five-step process, including actions to take and the words to say to engage children. Topics include: listening, bullying, confidence, empathy, conflict, child trauma, discipline, empathy, establishing rules about alcohol and more.

The online resource also includes in-depth information on various topics in the “I Want to Know More” resources that focus on communication, development, discipline, parenting process, relationships and risky behavior.

Last year, a small study examined parents who used the tools. It found that children improved in each of the core five social and emotional competencies over a six month period. Notably, those parents also improved their skills on each of the five social and emotional competency areas during that same six month period. We hope this will be the first of many communities to replicate this model as we create more opportunities for states, cities, and communities to adopt and adapt these resources. Check out https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.org for more! Congratulations Mercer Island!

Check it out…

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By Ari Gerzon-Kessler

As a father, former teacher, and principal, and currently the leader of my district’s family partnerships department, I do not underestimate the challenges we are contending with today as both parents and educators. A recent national survey of more than 3,000 high school students found nearly a third reporting they were unhappy and depressed more than usual (Leo, 2022). Suicide is the second leading cause of death in adolescents.

Despite these and other obstacles our children are facing during these turbulent times, they have the potential to become a resilient generation that thrives. As I discovered in conducting research for my book, On The Same Team: Bringing Educators and Underrepresented Families Together, when children feel buoyed by strong partnerships between home and school, they feel nested inside a community that feels connected rather than fragmented.

We need to prioritize helping our children feel deeply connected to themselves, others, and the world. For our children to flourish, we need to design home lives centered around a robust sense of community and strong relationships. “Parents who focus on keeping the relationships with their children strong are better able to help them deal with adversity,” write Amanda Sheffield Morris and Jennifer Hays-Grudo in Raising a Resilient Child in a World of Anxiety.

If our goal is truly to cultivate the whole child, seriously reflecting on the following seven questions is essential. I’ve asked these questions of educators, and they feel just as relevant to us as parents. Please use these questions as a checklist to gauge where you are excelling in your parenting and where you can grow your capacity.

1. How often are we as parents infusing positive emotion into our conversations, stories, and other learning opportunities?

Information without emotion is not retained. Conversely, emotion drives attention, and attention drives memory and learning. Sam Intrator, a teacher and writer, spent a year observing high school classrooms and asked students what they were feeling or thinking in the moments when they were highly engaged, or what he called “inspired.”

In synthesizing his results, Intrator discovered that, “The inspired moments of learning shared the same active ingredients: a potent combination of full attention, enthusiastic interest, and positive emotional intensity.” When we engage with our children at home, we can identify the activities that bring forth this emotional potency for them. We can also be what John Gottman calls “emotion-coaching parents,” helping our children to label their feelings, express them appropriately, and understand the sources of them (Sheffield Morris and Hays-Grudo, 2024, 117).

2. Where and how are you creating the spaces for your kids to feel seen, heard and truly known?

“There is no world but this one. And all we want is to be seen in it,” writes novelist Jess Walter. Regardless of their age, young people have a tremendous desire to be witnessed and appreciated for who they are. It’s important for us to regularly ask how we are inviting our children to bring their full selves. My mother, Rachael Kessler, was a pioneer in the field of social and emotional learning (SEL). She led me and hundreds of other students to engage in “Mysteries Questions,” where we could share our deepest wonderings about ourselves, others, and the world. When I listened to my questions and those of my classmates being read aloud anonymously in seventh grade, it was the most heard I ever felt in middle school and the most connected I ever felt to my peers.

3. How are you helping your children cultivate rich inner lives and explore their spiritual yearnings?

Recent research has demonstrated that teenagers with a strong personal spirituality are 35-75% less likely to experience clinical depression (Miller, 2021). Sometimes our children spontaneously encounter gateways to spiritual experiences, but there is tremendous value in guiding them towards tastes of various spiritual traditions. Raised in a Jewish and Christian household, one of the most transformative experiences of my childhood was when my mother sent me on a retreat with the renowned Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, when I was just eleven years-old. The heavy dose of silence, spiritual teachings, and practicing mindfulness within a larger community left a permanent imprint.

4. To what degree are you building strong ties with your children’s teachers?

Fostering a strong relationship between families and educators is a two-way street. As I know intimately from my two decades plus in schools, there is much more we can do as educators to forge more trusting and reciprocal partnerships with families. However, parents reaching out to initiate or enhance these connections can make a vital difference. As I explore in great depth in my book On The Same Team, classrooms and entire schools are transformed when we consistently strengthen the bridges between families and educators. Research shows that “when children and youth see their families, schools, and communities in authentic, meaningful collaboration, it supports their learning and development, inspires motivation, cultivates critical thinking, strengthens cultural identities, and creates safe spaces for each and every child” (Caspe & Hernandez, 2023). Cultivating this relationship often begins with a single phone call or text.

5. How are you creating opportunities for your children to direct their own learning?

Inside the school walls, much of learning today is still driven by the teacher’s intentions, interests, and aims. As my colleague Tish Jennings has discovered in her research, “Autonomy is a key predictor of well-being that is greatly overlooked in our schools.” Outside of school, many of us parents fill our children’s lives with a host of activities and commitments that are “enriching” but do not often foster this sense of autonomy. One of my greatest learnings as a parent early on was to allow my daughter to direct much of what happens during play time, instead of following my tendency to initiate what I think she will find enjoyable or meaningful.

6. How are you teaching your children to find nourishment in silence, solitude, and stillness?

We need to help our students learn how to better befriend themselves. I was recently at a hot springs a few hours from my home in Colorado. Beside me was a young man, who, despite being surrounded by a stunning moon and peaceful waters, spent his entire time in the hot waters watching videos on TikTok.

Solitude is an important source for meaning, self-connection, and creativity. It also supports us to bring our best selves to our relationships. My mother called silence, solitude, and stillness one of the seven gateways to the soul. In a world where our children confront more stimulus than any previous generation, it’s vital that we create space for them to discover the sweetness of these three S’s.

7. How are you providing the rituals and rites of passage that build resilience, character, and a sense of belonging?

There is a direct link between risk-taking and our capacity to learn and grow. As Joseph Campbell famously said, “Where you stumble, there lies your treasure” (Campbell, 2014). In terms of living a full life, there is such value in overcoming adversity.

Rather than trying to prevent them from experiencing any hardship, we need to support our children in taking risks and encouraging them to embrace failure. As my colleague, Richard Hood, puts it, “Failure is a necessary condition for learning. That’s why we have practices for teams, rehearsals for theater, and drafts for writers… I like the acronym FAIL: First attempt in learning.”

If we make this intentional effort to more fully cultivate the inner lives of our children, we can move artfully from a time of peril to a time of possibility, an era of despair and isolation to an era of hope and connection.

The urgency for educators to commit to diversity and equity work in their schools calls for a framework that will help narrow achievement and opportunity gaps. This book offers the guidance you need to nurture strong family-school partnerships that are essential for student success. Check out Ari’s book On The Same Team: Bringing Educators and Underrepresented Families Together (Solution Tree, 2024).

About the Author:

Ari Gerzon-Kessler leads the Family Partnerships department for the Boulder Valley School District (Colorado) and is an educational consultant working with schools and districts committed to forging stronger school-family partnerships. He has been an educator since 2000, having served as a principal, bilingual teacher, and SEL trainer. Ari is the author of the book, On The Same Team: Bringing Educators and Underrepresented Families Together (Solution Tree, 2024).

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“I spent an hour with colleagues talking about how SEL has come up in our parenting across developmental stages. There were so many A-Ha’s. What a journey! Thank you for the beautiful hour together!” – Shannon Wanless

We had such a rich dialogue! I am incredibly grateful for the heart-filled insights of the Confident Parents Leadership Team. Thank you Nikkya Hargrove, Shannon Wanless, and Lorea Martinez for sharing your stories!

Watch the recording here!

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Thank you to all who have already signed up to join us! Please join us in our dialogue about Stories for Growth in family life free this afternoon in celebration of International #SELDay2024!

You can rsvp below!

Submit a form.

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Virtual Programs to Support Families as Educational PartnersJennifer Miller, MEd., Founder and Author of “Confident Parents, Confident Kids” has been offering educational webinars and series for a decade – all customized and specific to a school or district’s family community’s hopes and needs.

Three of those programs have been particularly popular.

Check out the following programs and see if there’s one that might be ideal for your school or district community in promoting family-school partnerships around student well-being and development.

1. Book Clubs 6-Part Online Series
2. Setting Up Home for Learning Success 3-Part Online Learning Series
3. Confident Families and Schools Forum 1-Time School Community Event

Or visit the Schools & Districts Page on our site!

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Last week, we began taking a look at how the first six weeks of school can set the tone for the school year and how families can play a role in that transition. We examined bringing our open minds and hearts to school events, looking to make genuine connections with others in our school community, modeling introductions to others to practice with our children, spying and articulating the discovery of treasures, or inner strengths, in our children that are emerging and the treasures of the school as well through the teaching staff or many other individuals who are a key part of the school community.

This week, we’ll take a look at next steps for setting the tone for the school year. Some learning takes place at school but there is plenty of learning that will need to take place at home whether formally through homework and studying or informally through reflections on our school days. In these early weeks, perhaps the intensity of the work is low (and you know it will rise in the weeks to come). This offers us some space to ensure that you and your family are not only physically prepared for the work to come, but you’re building connections as a family to the learning to help inspire and motivate your child in engaging in the work ahead.

Create Conducive Learning Spaces

Take a little time with each child to figure out where they will consistently work each day during homework time. You may or may not have an ideal spot but here are some considerations as you think about designating a homework and learning space. That space will:

• be quiet during homework time (eliminate noise distractions);
• contain adequate supplies nearby (pencils, notebooks, outlet for laptop plug-in);
• have a clean, cleared off hard surface;
• be near enough to parent/caregiver that your child can ask questions and gain support when needed; and
• offer adequate task lighting.

Note this does not have to be an all-the-time dedicated space (a dining table works just fine, for example!)

Reflect on the Coming School Year as a Family

Instead of diving head first into all of the many tasks of the school year, take a moment to lift up and talk about the hopes and dreams of your child and of your family for the school year ahead. Write them down! Use them as an anchor. Find out what your child’s focus is. Maybe they are very interested in making new friends, joining an extracurricular or proving they can achieve academically? Your awareness of those hopes will help you support them throughout the school year.

Ask Big Questions Together

All exploration begins with big questions. And learning, after all, is a big exploration expedition. So take a look as a family together at what your child/children will be studying over the coming year. What subjects are they taking? What big questions can you ask together that may be explored over the year? My son who is a sophomore this year is taking U.S. History. We are so curious as a family to see how this will be taught and where they’ll begin the story. We have lots of questions to lead our family’s exploration and learn from our son’s curriculum. The mystery involved with genuine curiosity is a motivator like no other. You can’t wait to turn the page to find out more! So lead off your year with those big questions (and leave judgments behind) and savor taking steps toward uncovering and discovering the mysteries behind your child’s learning.

Find Opportunities to Play

As adults, we can focus solely on the work to be done very quickly (because often there’s a full load on our plate and then some). But if our children are to become lifelong learners, then there’s important value in seeking the joy in learning and also, in finding the play opportunities and the fun so that their creative, innovative side can have some space.

The weather right now (where we are anyway, I know some are struggling with difficult weather!) is beautiful. Take advantage and head to the park after school to get out some energy and enjoy! In the dead of winter, that won’t be as possible or likely. Gather classmates together or whole families to enjoy a Fall outing together and get to know one another better. Accomplish both your hopes of making deeper connections with others and seeking fun, play and enjoyment.

Examine your Routines and Make a Plan Together!

Here’s a quick checklist. You might ask yourself, have we created…

_____ well-rehearsed routines with clearly defined responsibilities?

_____ healthy sleeping, eating and hygiene habits?

_____ an organized, well-equipped and calm working environment for each family member?

_____ a plan for sharing and managing big feelings?

_____ a plan for times to connect in a caring, loving way with each/all family members?

For more support on co-creating routines with children that include clearly-defined responsibilities, check out the article “Establishing or Reinventing Home Routines and Responsibilities for Learning Success.“

There is never a more ideal time than right now to set an optimistic tone for the school year ahead! Your family’s discussions about the treasures you are finding in your school community and in your children, the hopes you have for the year, the big questions you want to ask about what our children are learning and the play and connection with others will all set a tone of joy in learning. As a lifelong educator, when you boil it down to its essences, this is what it’s all about. Not drudgery. Not a chore to get through. But a family expedition into the unknown with buried treasure to be discovered. May you find that kind of magic this school year!

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Schools seize the first six weeks to set the tone for the school year. But what can families do to support this back to school transition?

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Check out Jennifer Miller’s three top tips for easing back to school stress for both parents and the kids they love as part of the Equip Our Kids Back to School Campaign. Note the second tip is a super simple key ingredient, a new perspective on a foundational skill. But you may just discover that … Continue reading "3 Tips for Easing Back-to-School Stress"

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How do you prepare for back to school time? Getting into a new sleep routine can make a significant difference in easing the transition!

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Check out these ideas for building on questioning to create opportunities to teach responsible decision-making.

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Do I lie to my parents so that I can attend the biggest social event of the year or take my chances by telling the truth and risk not being allowed to go? Do I allow my child to attend a party where I’ve never met the friends or parents? Do I tell my partner … Continue reading "How to Teach and Practice the Complex Skill of Responsible Decision-making in Family Life…"

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As partners in the Leading with SEL initiative, we want to know how we can support you as you support your children this back to school season! Whether you are a parent, caregiver, educator or serve in another education-related role, we are eager to hear from you! Your answers will guide us in providing valuable … Continue reading "What’s Important to You as We Look Ahead to Back to School Season?"

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How do we teach and motivate our children to contribute to the care of our home? Check out these ideas!

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Laugh together, bond, and give your children's eyes and brain a break from devices!

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How can you turn your child's anger into a teachable moment?

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“I feel confident when I walk down the hallway. I’m not afraid to talk to any of the kids in my grade,” reports my son after a mere two weeks in a brand new school. Perhaps it’s the contrast offering him a newfound sense of agency. In his previous school, he was ignored or judged, … Continue reading "How Do We Cultivate Agency in Our Kids and Ourselves?"

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How can parents raise kind children? Cultivating kindness in sibling relationships serves as a key foundation.

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Check out our recorded session and resources!

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How would you describe a father you admire? What do men need to model in family life?

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Want some simple strategies to keep the academic, social and emotional learning alive all summer long? Check it out...

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Thursday, June 15, 3pm ET / 12pm PT 60 minutes

Join me with experts from Panorama Education to discuss how educators can help prepare families to keep the learning alive all summer long! Parents/caregivers, there will be plenty of take-away strategies for us to use right away!

After an encouraging year of learning growth and recovery, we want to prevent our children from slipping down the “summer slide.” This phenomena refers to when students decline in their academic skills when not actively engaged in school learning during break. But educators and caregivers at home can be proactive in stopping the slide through preventative strategies before the break, engagement strategies throughout the break, and remedial strategies after the break. Unpack strategies like “rose, bud, thorn” and “Kiva Panels” that not only set the stage for skills retention, but also build mindsets for readiness and resilience that inspire academic growth throughout the summer.

Join this Strategies to Share webinar to learn about evidence-based and research-backed strategies from Panorama’s Playbook intervention library. Together, we will:

• Share academic and social-emotional strategies, toolkits, and resources that can be used in schools and at home to help reverse the “summer slide.”
• Explore the research and evidence behind the strategies, in addition to their connection to tiered systems of student support.
• Share educator reflections and feedback on the strategies and discuss their implications for practice, implementation and differentiation.

Can’t attend at this day & time? Register anyway and Panorama Education will send you the recording and all the resources!

Register free here: https://go.panoramaed.com/webinar/strategies-summerslide-june2023

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Dive Into Summer with Some Simple Boundaries to Ensure All (Including Parents!) Enjoy the Season“Mom, what do you really want to do this summer?” my son asked me during our bedtime pillow talk last night. I had to think. I wanted my summer sunshine dreams of lemonade stands, library visits, and creeking at local parks to roll off my tongue but instead, my mind was a-jumble.

In our race to the finish line of school, my head is swimming with work agendas and classroom parent tasks to complete. It wasn’t easy to get my mind quickly focused on summertime fun though that’s precisely the hope of my ten-year-old boy. And as I attempt to, waves of anxiety tend to rush through my veins as I figure out the windows of time in which I can accomplish work during those sunny summer days in the midst of playtime.

This was written five years ago and so much has changed including the fact that my son doesn’t “play” anymore but instead “hangs out.” At ten, his head came to the crux of my arm and today, I crane my neck to look up at him. We, however, yet again will have a conversation about summer boundaries and routines as a family. With a teen, you may consider the list I’ve included to tailor your boundaries to your own family’s specific assets and challenges.

I know that if I take some time over the coming weeks to do some collective summer dreaming while establishing some “lite” routines, our summer will be filled with cooperation, shared responsibility, and opportunities for those precious moments of spontaneity — the ones that I truly want to define our summer.

So with that in mind, here are the ways in which we’ll establish a foundation for fun. Perhaps some of these tips will help your household enjoy the summer as well.

Take Time for Sunny Summer Dreaming.

Grab a poster board or newsprint and brainstorm together a list of favorite activities you want to be sure and get in over the summer. Separate into “at home” and “out.” Make sure there are some ideas that can be done as solo play. Hang it on the refrigerator or somewhere you can refer to it throughout the summer. This serves as a terrific way to anticipate the fun of summer and can be an invaluable support for pointing to when your child comes to you bored and unsure of how to spend his/her time. I’ve done this every summer with great success. At ten, my son took the initiative himself without prompting and wrote out thirty-five ideas for summer fun! Now that he’s 15, we simply talk about our hopes and dreams and make some plans together.

Talk about Your Routine “Lite.”

Though you may be eager to relinquish the rigor of the daily school routine, children still thrive with some sense of predictability. So talk about changes in your routine while your family is together. Consider your morning, bedtime and meal times and other transitions in the day. How will things stay the same? How will things change? Perhaps, you’ll agree that getting dressed should happen by a certain time in the morning? Having this discussion can help set expectations for the summer and also provide that sense of stability children can thrive on through routines.

Check out my checklist of all the potential considerations to discuss for summer. Some you may be able to check off right away or skip – you’ve got them covered. Others you and your family might spend some focused conversation on.

Set Up a Regular Quiet Reading Time.

Sure, you may be out of the house some days during a typical quiet time. But consider assigning a particular time of day to serve as a quiet time whenever you are around the house. After lunch could work, late afternoon or right before dinner. Turn off devices and media. Haul out blankets and books. You could include snacks. But it should be a time when all in the household “power down” and take it easy. Set the expectation for this at the beginning of summer and kids will assume it’s part of their summer routine.

Create a Simple Camp or Pool Checklist

Is there a place you tend to go daily in the summertime whether it’s day camp or a pool? Make sure you’ve set up your children for success in getting ready and out of the door with ease. Create a simple checklist together of what’s consistently needed. Bug spray? Check. Sun tan lotion? Check. Water bottle? Check. Use a dry erase board and kids can actually check off items each day. It will help them take responsibility for their own preparation and you won’t have to become the summertime nag!

Discuss Responsibilities and Consider Adding a Job List

Hopefully, your children understand their household responsibilities throughout the year. But anytime there is a transition, it’s a good moment to revisit. And you may consider one added responsibility to contribute to the household that’s age-appropriate since there tends to be more time in the summer. In addition, if you’re child is eager to earn money but too young to go out and get a job, you may consider putting together a list of jobs beyond their typical responsibilities such as, sweeping the first floor carpet for a $1.00. This will add to their practice of taking responsibility for jobs and offer a chance for your child to earn money this summer while helping you out! Consider a time when you do chores and offer that time for all family members to work together.

For more on establishing household responsibilities with children, check out this article. And for an age-appropriate household responsibility list, check out this printable!

Talk about Screen Time Limits and Expectations.

Avoid a daily battle or the chance your child might become addicted to screens and not flourish through multiple activities this summer beyond screens. Learn as a family the reasons why it’s important to limit screen time. Focus on the positive benefits of using time in other ways. Then, be clear together about what limits you’ll agree upon.

For more on facts about why it’s important to limit screen time as well as, a family media meeting agenda and a family screen time agreement, check out this article.

The warmer weather brings about so many opportunities for laughter and exploration together. May your summer be filled with those kinds of magical moments with your children, teens and whole family!

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If your family is like my own, you are in the final flurry of school days. Your flurry may involve art shows, concerts, field days and celebration picnics. If you have older students, they may be chin-deep in final projects, exams, and presentations. And you might be working hard on teacher cards and gifts of appreciation along with volunteering for these final celebratory events.

But soon, our students will say goodbye to their teachers, their classmates, and their studies and dive into the freedom and glory of summer days with all the promise of joyful play that the sunshine allows. There is however a transition that takes place moving from a very structured, very focused, very goal-oriented school year to the less-structured or differently-structured routines of family life. Families often don’t get to participate in these end-of-the-school-year rituals that assist students in that transition yet we want to be a part of it. And in fact, our support of the transition can ensure that, when home together more, we get along smoothly, that we can cooperate on co-creating summer rules and routines, and we move into this next season with hope and a sense of support and teamwork.

So if you are wondering how you might support this transition at home, here’s a simple tool to introduce at the dinner table or wherever you gather to reflect on this important year of learning for your child or teen and your family that is coming to a close.

Spin the wheel of reflection on this past school year. Take a moment to answer a few questions at a time when you are together and recall the major influences – people, places and events – that shaped your learning this school year. For us as parents – the school year/work year is always a learning opportunity too. Whether you respond as a parent partner to your child’s school, a parent volunteer, or a parent support at home or as a professional, be sure you take your own turn and answer the questions for you.

Who

• Who had the biggest impact on your learning? Tell a story about how they supported you.
• Who did you learn the most about? How did your view of them change over the course of the year? What do you appreciate about them now?
• Who did you learn about in class that impacted you? What did you learn from them?

What

• What did you learn that changed you or had a major impact on your perspective?
• What did you learn about how you like to learn or prefer to learn?
• What new idea or fact did you learn that you are excited to continue to learn more about?
• What are you grateful for from this past school year?

When

• When, during the school year, did you feel the best, most empowered and inspired? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel the most anxious, insecure, nervous? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel bored or disengaged? What can you learn from that?
• When did you feel excited and challenged? When did you feel frustrated and challenged? What was the difference?

Where

• Where did you experience the most significant learning this year? Why do you think that was the case?
• Where did you feel safest and at your best? Why?
• Where did you feel unsafe or scared or uncertain? What can you learn from that?

Why

• Why was this school year important to you?
• Why did you choose the friends you choose this year?
• Why do you love (insert what you love… your school, your classmates, your friend, your teacher, your favorite subject)?

How

• How did you learn best this year (what conditions, people, supports, ways of learning)?
• How did you show your kindness to others this year? How did others show kindness to you?
• How did you deal with your toughest assignments, tests, or projects? Did it work?

Print out this version of the Reflection Spinning Wheel. And here are the printable questions. If you are so inspired, cut out the circle and place it on a cardboard backing. Use a pushpin in the center to anchor the circle but allow for the wheel to spin. Make an arrow on the cardboard backing to signify where the pointer will go and what question to land on. You need not tackle every question. You may take a few spins in one sitting and really savor the stories that emerge from the asking. Perfect for teachers to use too!

Classic educational philosopher John Dewey said, “we don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.” Allow your whole family to do some valuable reflecting together on this past school year – the significant relationships cultivated, the knowledge acquired, the shaping experiences. Promote the higher order thinking skill of meta-cognition or thinking about their thinking so that your children begin to learn more about the ways in which they learn best. These are fundamental lessons that will serve them well through their school career and follow them well beyond into their lifelong learning future!

Happy final school days!

If you use this tool, let us know how it goes!

Check out these additional ideas:

Bringing Closure to the School Year

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Today I am bleary-eyed as I attempt to get my work accomplished after a very late night supporting my son by listening to a speech he has to give – over and over. Now I know that “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life” (wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson on his essay on Self Reliance). Oh yes, it’s finals time. And whether you have a high schooler with a host of exams, papers and final projects as I do or you have a school-age child attempting to crank out posters, presentations or prepare for tests, this is the final push before the end of the of the school year. Add to the mix that the weather is beginning to change to more sunshine, celebratory activities are happening and we can sense summer just around the bend, and it can become a stressful time for all.

I wrote this article five years ago for a school that told me students were struggling more with the stress of testing than the tests themselves. The strategies still apply. The best, most supportive role we can play as parents tends to be social and emotional in nature. How can we create the calm, focused conditions for the work to take place? How can we offer strategies to help our children learn to deal with stress and anxiety in healthy ways? And how can we cultivate their motivation to work hard and persist in their challenges?

”Mom, everything seems to speed up around me, get louder in my head, and I can’t take my test. I feel scared.” This is how my ten-year-old son described his anxiety during test taking time. But though I know he has felt those feelings in the past, this is the first time he’s been able to articulate it.

In fact, anxiety is experienced differently by every person. Some may get headaches, some tummy aches. Some may feel hot, sweaty or like they are going to faint. But whatever the physical symptoms, frequently they can be accompanied by a host of fears. Yes, the stress of performing well is one of those fears but those worries may lead to a number of others like, “Will everyone make fun of me when I fail?” “Will I learn that I actually don’t have the smarts to do it?” and “Why can’t I think? My head feels like it’s about to explode. What’s wrong with me?”

There is no predicting what particular worries your child will have or develop. But testing time can be a common time of anxiety for parents, teachers and students alike. In fact, because there are pressures on teachers to prepare students for tests, students can pick up on their teacher’s anxiety and feel even more worried experiencing the emotional contagion to which we are all susceptible. So it’s worth looking at ourselves from a bird’s eye view and asking, “How do I talk and act when it’s test-taking preparation time?”

Modeling is a critical teacher so first, take note of your own reactions and anxiety. We can unwittingly contribute to and escalate any fear if we respond to our child’s responsibilities with anxiety. So becoming self-aware and practicing our own self-management over anxiety in those moments is fundamental to helping our children.

If you notice your own worries building, stop and take some deep breaths before responding to your child. I notice that I can hold greater patience in those times of struggle when I put on my “teacher hat,” and, as parents, aren’t we all teachers? All of a sudden, instead of being an annoyed parent, I become an intelligent and empathetic adult whose role is guidance, modeling, facilitation, and support. There are many ways you play a support role, as a parent or an educator, to help your children through this high-pressure time.

In the days before the test…

Get organized.

Be sure you have sharpened pencils (several), erasers and a high protein snack (if allowed) along with a water bottle ready for test-taking day. Your child may want to select her outfit to wear ahead planning for comfort and ease.

Prepare.

If your child’s teachers have given study guides or there are other materials to review, set up a schedule of a time block each day that can be dedicated to studying. Ensure that extra time is allotted (do you need to begin a couple weeks in advance?) in order to well-cover the materials. Give your child a choice (which will help with motivation). You might ask, “When after school, do you feel like studying – right after school or before or after dinner?” Also to help with motivation, work on your own paperwork alongside your child as s/he studies to give the feeling that we are in this together.

Teens are just learning the executive function skills of organizing and planning. Whereas in the earlier years, you might have planned out their study time, now you tend to allow them more independence as they go about their work. Yet, when the work is piled on, it can be a real challenge for them to sort through priorities and figure out how to tackle it all. In these times, you might offer (casually, our emotional investment will push them away for sure!) to support them in planning out how and when they will tackle their studies ensuring they get some brain breaks to keep them fresh.

Connect Physical Symptoms with Stress.

Because the many possible physical symptoms that accompany anxiety can worsen a child’s worries (“Why do I feel so awful? What’s wrong with me?”), it helps to talk about potential signs. You may want to share how your body feels when you are really worried and ask, “How does your body feel?” If your child cannot answer the question, that’s okay. Just your exploration of possible signs of stress in the body may help your child identify it as stress when it arises the next time. And when they identify it, they can then take steps to alleviate it.

Learn and practice deep breathing.

Practice deep breathing together. Practice making the noise of the sea waves while breathing deeply from your diaphragm. Close your eyes with your child and imagine that your anxiety is a fiery flame waiting on a sandy shore. And as you breathe life into the ocean waves, they grow closer and closer to the flame to extinguish it. This is a coping strategy that can be used anywhere at anytime and particularly, on the day of the test!

Brainstorm and practice other coping strategies.

Though breathing will be their best bet in returning to calm, here are a few additional coping strategies that can be paired with breathing while sitting taking a test. Try these together at home first. And fortunately, these can all be done simply and at a school desk without other peers noticing. You might suggest your child:

• Close their eyes.
• Focus on their heartbeat. See if they can begin to slow it down.
• Tighten and release muscles.
• Tighten and release their pencil grip.
• Plant both of their feet firmly on the floor and imagine them on solid ground.
• Raise their hand and ask the teacher if they can walk out in the hallway for fresh air or to get a drink of water.
• Imagine their most calm, serene place (Ask your child where they might want to travel to in their head?).

Don’t worry that your child won’t be focused on the test while trying a coping strategy since their anxiety will prevent them from taking the test anyway. One or some of these could help them to return to the test sooner. Be sure once you talk about these, you try them out! Make it a game. Sit at your kitchen or dining room table and introduce each of these. If you have several children, try it out as a family. Find out which one your child is comfortable with and encourage using it.

Talk through emotions.

Talk through your child’s feelings in an open time slot when you don’t have other pressures. List out all aspects of what they are afraid of. If it’s taking a test, what parts of the taking of a test don’t they like? The time pressure? The silence and focus required? The challenging questions? The fear of failure? What’s the worst thing that could happen to them? Find out all of the aspects of what’s worrying them and be sure to discuss their worst case scenarios. Just acknowledging their worries can bring to light unlikely scenarios they are ruminating on and help them feel understood.

Promote a “Can Do” attitude.

Your attitude about testing will certainly impact your child whether you are considering it will or not. Be sure that you are noticing the positive. Tell stories of your child’s ability to work hard and be resilient in the midst of challenges. Show your confidence that she can learn anything she needs to with time, practice and effort.

Practice brain breaks.

One way you can help with a child or a teen’s studying is to practice brain breaks. If you see an hour passing by as they study, check in and let them know that they begin to become less productive the longer they sit and try and focus. Encourage them to take only five minutes to walk outside and breathe some fresh air, get a drink of water or listen to a favorite tune. Then, they can get back to work feeling renewed.

The night before…

Your child may be tempted to cram more studies in the evening prior to the big test. And a review after school of the materials could be a big help. However, having a healthy dinner and getting to bed on time should be a high priority that evening. Set the scene for a restful night’s sleep by lowering lighting and turning off screens (at least one hour before bedtime). Perhaps take a bath or read a book to help prepare for sleep. Getting a full night’s rest prior to the test is one way to ensure your son or daughter will be ready to give his or her best.

The morning of…

Stick with your consistent morning routine so there are no surprises or power struggles. If you don’t have a consistent routine or feel that it’s a stressful time typically, then part of your own preparation can be working on creating a family responsibility plan so that you begin starting days ready for learning. Check out this short “Smooth Morning Routine” video to learn how.

Focus on giving your child a high protein, low sugar breakfast (oatmeal, cheese stick, low sugar cereal, peanut butter?) since the protein will provide an even source of energy throughout the morning versus the highs and quick lows of sugar. See if you can incorporate a little bit of exercise that morning whether it means a walk to school, a stretch together, or a jog up and down the driveway. When you get your body moving, you get your brain moving and your child will feel more ready to face the challenges ahead.

Most importantly, be sure to say goodbye with love, a big hug, and words of confidence that they can do it!

You got this!

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Motherhood as a Mission; Our Lineage Is Time-worn and StoriedWise, humble, compassionate, dedicated…you are the ones who are not looking for recognition. There are no awards for your hard work. But you go about your days committed to protecting the well-being of children – not just your own but your community’s children, the world’s children. You are fierce about your principles because deep down inside, you know what you stand for. We don’t hear any news updates about you. We should because what you do is monumentally hard and has the potential to change the world for the better. You bring persistent patience to your role as you do the sixth load of laundry, you listen to your child’s laments about mean words or actions at school with compassion and offer comfort, and you support and help your child’s friends, classmates, neighbors and your greater community. You teach your child to respond in ways that are kind yet firm and show the pathway to confidence. These small moments accumulate over time. Not one is lost. They all amount to raising a human who will love, be loved and offer his or her gifts to the world. And the world so needs those gifts.

There are distinctly feminine qualities that motherhood offers a woman the opportunity to more fully embody. These are often underplayed, undervalued and even criticized in ours and other cultures around the world. Perhaps because often they require vulnerability which does not equate with weakness (as they can be misinterpreted). and often can serve as a greatest strength. These “vulnerable” qualities in the right hands become magical powers that lead those who would invest in them, and not suppress or run from them, a pathway to positive change that is filled with growth, well-being and potential. These feminine energies include:

– intuition;

– relationship skills;

– creative expression;

– feeling;

– patience;

– grace;

– empathy;

– love and support;

– peace/nonviolence;

– trust;

– honesty;

– assertion;

– nurturing and care;

– gentleness.

Courageous mothers embody these qualities and promote them in others. And also…

Courageous mothers…

Resist the urge to please others, to make people feel better for their poor choices, and to apologize for their ethic of care. They resist any decisions that threaten to harm the well-being of their family, school, community and environment. Though they listen to others with empathy, they make decisions not based on others’ expectations but by consulting their heart and following their inner wisdom.

Persist in their mission, vision and values of raising safe, healthy and confident kids and investing love and care in a kind, inclusive and healthy family, school and community. They believe in themselves and they dedicate their minds and hearts to influencing positive change with the collective in mind. They honor their feelings and reflect on the important messages they send. They know that pain and failure will not deter them from their change-maker path.

Insist on truth and a life of integrity and alignment with their deepest values. They establish boundaries to support human well-being and uphold dignity. They play the long game – knowing that humanity moves toward justice. They align with those evolutionary forces acting as a catalyst to facilitate, even speed its movement. Their family decision-making is collaborative and reflects on the consequences of choices made today and how they will play out tomorrow for themselves and for others with an effort to do no harm and contribute to creation and goodness.

Co-exist with haters and those who would condemn realizing that everyone has pain and deals with pain differently while accepting that integrity is not possible if there is a not an acceptance of the rights of any and all to express dissenting opinions. Though they co-exist, they never give away their sense of agency, justice, and worth or their motivation to continue the work of their mission.

So many of the mothers I admire, like the co-writers of this blog – Shannon, Nikkya, Jenny and Lorea – take what they are doing and learning with their own children and help other families and children in the process. (Our father writers do this in their own ways too but we are focused on mothers this week!)

There are many differing ways to be a mother and model the best of what motherhood can be. A biological connection is not necessary. Mothers can lead countries, congregations and nonprofits whose ripple effects expand far and wide. Motherhood can feel isolating at times. But if you are discovering new ways of supporting your child’s growth and your own and bringing that knowledge into your activism to leave the world a better place than you found it, you are part of a long lineage of women who’s stories are widely diverse but share a common thread. These mothers share a commitment to preparing the next generation to become the best of who they are and they begin and end with love.

As I dove into thinking about courageous mothers, I began researching women who had won the Nobel Peace Prize. “What were their stories,” I wondered. They indeed were deeply inspiring and so many built their inspiration and activism from motherhood whether they were biological mothers like Betty Williams and Mairead Corrigan of Ireland or champions of working mothers like Jane Addams of Chicago, Illinois or mothers of the motherless – poor, ill and forgotten like Mother Teresa of Calcutta, India. You can check out their stories here.

But as I learned, I found I was much more interested in elevating the everyday, contemporary Mom. The Mom you see in the pick up line after school. As I turned to reflect on these everyday Moms, I found the magical inspiration, the courage I was looking for – immediately. There were far too many to list here. In fact, this could be a whole blog unto itself. But here are just a few examples from our my own circle of compassionate mothers.

Shannon supports her two children’s passions regularly through their extracurriculars and interest areas when she is not working, the sole provider for her family. During her work day, she advocates, teaches and creates programs to support early childhood educators in focusing on equity, social justice and children’s social and emotional development. With her children, she teaches them that they should never be too comfortable. They need to constantly keep their eyes and ears out for injustice and work to improve people’s lives.

Nikkya is a pattern breaker and an activist in her parenting and through her nonprofit work, writing and more. She is raising two young twin girls and a teenage boy and doing it far differently than she was raised herself. She pays attention to life lessons and experiences she can offer them on kindness and inclusion and other social and emotional skills. She is soon-to-publish a memoir about her upbringing by an incarcerated mother and how she has healed and led a growthful life on her own terms. She is working on opening up an indie bookstore that will house books that emphasize social and emotional themes.

Jenny is a teacher of resilience through social and emotional skill building with college students, business leaders, parents, educators and her own three children through the organization she founded, a social media presence, and impactful family card games focused on the themes she’s trying to teach her own three children. As she comes across new ideas at work, she experiments with them with her family. And when her family poses a question, she explores it through her work. Through this symbiosis from work to family life and back, she is able to support countless other families with a range of strategies.

Lorea holds herself to extremely high standards as a mother. As they say, those who know better, do better. In her work, she teaches teachers about how to hone their own social and emotional skills to become models and master teachers through the book she wrote on that same subject. And she is keenly aware as a Mom of two girls how she is modeling social and emotional skills in her home life. She meets with groups who focus on equity and inclusion to find support and support others as an immigrant herself. She is constantly working on finding a balance between her work and her family life and seeks to be really present and focused when she is spending time with her family. To her, there’s nothing more important.

It’s clear that each of these mothers are highly self-reflective and utterly aware that they are constantly learning, constantly a work in progress. They know that the pathway ahead – toward making a difference – is through greater self awareness and that is work that never ends. But they are fueled by the knowledge that they are able to create a better world for their children through their work and through their everyday interactions with their children. One feeds and nourishes the other. But that kind of integration doesn’t just happen. It’s the result of choosing what’s hard but clearly aligned over what’s fun or easy every time – for years.

Who do you know who is example of a courageous mother?

How is that courageous mother you?

Ultimately, our unconditional love for our children expands as widely and as broadly as we can envision so that we work to influence the children of the world. Of course, we are all a work in progress. But we hope you take the time to reflect on the long lineage and storied lives of courageous mothers of which you are one and feel supported, encouraged, and cheered by this tradition of mothers helping others. We celebrate you.

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Appreciation of Our Teachers and Ideas for ParentsI recall being shocked when my high school art teacher – instead of standing over me – came around my desk, sat down next to me and positioned her head over my paper looking at the still life we were drawing from my perspective. She proceeded to show me new ways to see what I was looking at. “See that curve,” she said. “Notice how it imperfectly swings left and right in a slight and subtle way at the end. How can you follow that line with your pencil?” And my vision changed. I started seeing more detail than I had before. I watched her eyes as they glanced back and forth between the paper and the still life in a fluid pendulum motion. That moment changed my drawing forever and also, my understanding of teaching and learning. She placed herself directly in my line of vision. She tried to experience what I was experiencing in that lesson. And her attempt to experience the learning through my eyes taught me so much more than any lecture I ever attended.

Who were your best teachers and what might you call out as the central reason for their ability to impact you and your learning?

I have found in reflecting on my own best teachers, in having worked with and observed many educators in the classroom and also watched the experiences of my son, it is those teachers who focus on learning about their learners who are the most impactful.

The best teachers become students of their learners.

These teachers are most interested in:

– how their students learn best knowing that each individual learns in different ways;

– what their students love and are passionate about;

– what motivates their students;

– the perspectives – thoughts and feelings of their learners;

– what students are working on developmentally – physically, socially, emotionally and

academically; and

– what students’ experiences are in family and community life that directly impact their

learning.

All this care and interest in an individual student’s learning translates into a caring relationship between the teacher and student. Whereas before a student may have felt lost in a sea of fish swimming in the same direction (though knowing deep down their own uniqueness), they now experience someone who is not only noticing them but taking time to get to know them – to see, understand and value their contributions to the learning process.

This year, I witnessed my son becoming deeply engaged in one of his least favorite subjects – World History and building expertise in an historical influencer who challenges even the best readers, literary analysts and orators – William Shakespeare. This World History teacher used at least two different ways of positioning himself as the learner and the students as the teachers.

1. The Teach Back. Students in that class were given the chance to teach a whole unit with many complex events, dates and characters to their teacher by collaborating together and figuring how they might best teach the content. This “teach back” method is one in which the learner has to take charge of the learning and represent it to others in ways that are accessible and memorable. The students co-created a whole class script. Each had parts to represent different events or characters in history while a narrator cracked funny jokes to introduce each section (mimicking their teacher’s style of teaching). Were you ever put in a position of teaching content as a student? How did it impact your learning? As a parent, have you asked your child to teach something to you (technology is an ideal example of an area where our children may have more expertise than we do!) and how did it go? Did you sense your child felt seen, heard, valued and empowered by the experience?
2. Empathy. Students were also given the task of selecting an historical character to play all semester and they emailed other historical characters (college students in history classes at the University of Michigan) where they had to deeply know their character’s background in order to play their roles. Because of the length of time and depth of the project, not only did students learn to empathize with their historical figure but the teacher grew to better know, appreciate, understand and value his students as they were called upon to share their own opinions, reflections and applications for lessons in today’s world. How have your best teachers developed your empathy for others and in doing so, also deepened their empathy for you? As a parent, how do you look for ways to deepen your empathy for your child as well as offering more vulnerable moments for them to gain deeper insights into your own thoughts and feelings?

“No significant learning begins without a significant relationship,” stated James Comer of the Yale Child Study Center. So how is that significant relationship created? We know that any significant relationship requires time, patience, a willingness and curiosity to explore, understand and value one another. It takes seeing and elevating strengths and accepting challenges or “quirks” as part of the uniqueness of individuals. Ultimately, great teachers love to learn and love to share in that learning with others.

This Teacher Appreciation Week, how can you recognize what makes your child’s teacher a unique contributor to his or her learning? And what lessons from our great teachers can we learn as parents as we attempt to support our children’s learning? How can we flip the script?

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Thank you to all those who responded to our survey! It’s incredibly helpful and insightful to get a better understanding of the kinds of supports you could use in your parenting and family life!

As we work on new offerings for Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we want to ensure that we are truly meeting your needs as you do one of the most important and challenging jobs in the world – raise the next generation amidst a changing, complex, and often uncertain world! Please help us in producing content that is truly valuable to you!

If you haven’t yet…

Take a moment to complete the following survey.To show our gratitude, we’ll buy a cup of coffee (gift card sent via email) to an additional twenty people who complete the brief survey! One per responder! *We will only use email addresses for the purpose of this survey. Your safety is paramount! We NEVER sell or share emails address lists outside of Confident Parents, Confident Kids.

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As we work on new offerings for Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we want to ensure that we are truly meeting your needs as you do one of the most important and challenging jobs in the world – raising the next generation amidst a changing, complex, and often uncertain world! Please help us in producing content that is truly valuable to you!

Take a moment to complete the following survey.We’ll buy a cup of coffee (gift card sent via email) to the first twenty people to complete the survey with our gratitude!

*We will only use email addresses for the purpose of this survey. Your safety is paramount. We NEVER sell or share emails address lists outside of Confident Parents, Confident Kids.

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…By Showing Care as a FamilyThe lives of our children and our teens can be relegated to indoor time exclusively as they go to school and participate in extracurriculars like sports in gyms and music or plays in theaters. And when at home, they go on their devices to connect with friends or scroll through social media. Because of our ever-growing fascination with and use of technology, we find ourselves with less and less time to go outside. This creates further disconnections between ourselves and nature. Our kids may not feel a sense of responsibility to the environment because of this disconnect. And truly in order to invest our time, money and precious resources in anything, we require a safe, caring relationship. So how are we helping our family cultivate a relationship with nature?

First, since a caring relationship is necessary, how can you engage your children in showing care? I asked some families how they get outside and here’s what I heard:

• We go to a local park every day after school to play and get out that Spring energy.
• I take my kids out to look for birds during their great migration. We head to a different park each time we are free and try and identify the type of birds we see through binoculars.
• My son loves to go creeking. He puts on protective boots and we head to a creek with friends as soon as the weather permits.
• We love to take bike rides.
• We pick out seeds and plant them in our yard together.

Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970 and this year, the entire month of April is considered Earth month in an effort to call attention to how we all need to care for our home planet. Perhaps just making a commitment to get outside with your family more might be one simple step you can take to create a more caring relationship between your family and nature? Watch this poem by Amanda Gordon titled “Earthrise” to feel inspired to do more to care for our planet!

Here are a few more ideas of steps you can take with your family to recognize the importance of our home planet this month:

1. Connect

Simply spending time in nature whether it involves walking to your nearest patch of grass, heading to a local park or traveling to a state or national park. Make sure when you do you, you create the conditions to become fully present and aware. Put devices away. Notice the details of the environment. Use all senses to guide your noticing. What can you see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Touch?

Bring nature journals or drawing pads with you to fine-tune your attention on the details together.

2. Care

Learning together to care for your environment helps children learn about their role and responsibility with the nature around them. Create a small garden if you have a yard or find a sunny window for plants. When you buy seeds or starters, be sure and read about the needs of the plant. How much sun do they need? Plant food? Soil condition? Amount of watering? Then, plant and work on caring for those plants together.

Visit a grocery store with your child that carries local produce and/or meats and seafood. Note which foods you buy are locally sourced. Take note of where non-local foods are from and consider the kinds of transportation necessary to get it to you. Before eating dinner together, share gratitude for all those people and the natural resources involved in bringing you your meal.

3. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Discuss water use in your household. How can you fill the dishwasher thoroughly or the washing machine before you run a load? Children can learn to turn off the water while they are brushing their teeth. Create a rain barrel to reuse rain water when watering your lawn or garden. These steps may seem small and even insignificant but they do offer ways in which to teach your children to pay attention to how they use natural resources like water.

Take a family trip to the local dump. As you drive, discuss what you tend to throw away. Assign someone as a scribe to write down what items could be rinsed and recycled. Make sure you have recycle bins in the house and your children know how to look for the triangle to determine whether the item can be recycled.

Check out these terrific children’s books to support your conversation:

What a Waste; Trash, Recycling, and Protecting Our Planet by Jess French

My First Book of Reduce, Reuse and Recycle by Asa Gilland

Ten Things I Can Do to Help My World by Melanie Walsh

For Parents:

The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg

4. Learn

If you do spend more time in nature camping or hiking in a state or national park, take the time to learn before your next trip how to leave no trace. Check out the site: Seven Principles of Leave No Trace.

Or in your own home or when you travel, discover what native lands you are on and learn about those tribes. Download the Native Lands app on your phone and use wherever you roam. Learn about how indigenous peoples related to the land and preserve natural resources and find out what practices you might try out in your own life.

As I talk to parents about what they want to teach their children and the legacy they want to leave behind, I often hear that individuals want to leave the world a better place than they found it. One important way we can do that is to examine how we support, care for and help grow the natural resources that surround us and support us each day so that they are around for generations to come.

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Co-creating a Signal When the Family Heat Intensifies“When my daughter and I disagree, it escalates so quickly. We end up both yelling even though I never want to yell. How can I stop the escalation?” A workshop participant and Mom of a teenager asked. When an argument is heated, the conflict can become emotionally super-charged quickly. And when it does, we can risk saying things we really don’t mean. Personal attacks and stabs at the other person’s character can escape from our mouths without much thought until later, when we feel the searing pain of regret and our inability to turn back time.

We know from research on how the brain responds while stressed that, in those moments, we act on impulse. Our limbic system, or the survival center for the brain, takes over quite literally and our only thoughts turn to flight, fight or freeze depending upon the situation. In parenting, this auto-response – our default system – can actually work against our goals. We want to influence our child’s positive choices — either their words or actions or decisions. We may want to set clear boundaries or show how rules have been unfairly broken. We may want to demonstrate how our child can disagree in healthy ways that do no harm. Yet, when our limbic system takes over, none of those goals can be met if we are merely fighting back without our reflective consideration. Our child will be on the defense, their limbic system in high gear. They may be afraid of us, poised to fly away or freeze. Or they may be angry and ready to fight back.

“Just leave. Walk away.” Uttered another workshop participant. And there’s a helpful intent here. Taking a pause, a break away from one another does offer the space necessary for calming down. But simply walking away can be misinterpreted by a child. Particularly if we are angry, they can fear we are storming off and won’t return. Intention and motivation matter! And our child just may make up stories about why we are leaving that have nothing to do with emotional intelligence. Stonewalling, or giving the silent treatment, is a form of nonverbal aggression and can do damage to a trusting relationship, not at all a healthy, constructive conflict tool. So if our child thinks we are stonewalling, they can hurt from yet another form of aggression.

So what can you do? There are a few ways to ensure that these kind of escalating conflict situations stay in the healthy zone.

Create a conflict code.

In fact, I suggested to this Mom to create a conflict code with her teenager. And weeks later, she reported, it worked. She went to her and asked, “what can we say to one another when we recognize that our fight is escalating and we need a pause to calm down before figuring it out together?” They came up with the phrase “code red.” And they decided to keep one another accountable. They were both responsible for looking for those moments or opportunities to use the code and when either one spotted the chance. Each would have the chance to call it out. When one did, they would respect the code and go to their respective rooms to take some time and breathe. The Mom returned to me to let me know how this simple step had transformed their conflicts. Her daughter now felt empowered to use the code. And when they did, they both respected the code and took a break. They were able to come back together after a time and figure out next steps with their cooler heads (and fully functioning brains). It was key that she co-named the code with her daughter. They solved the problem together proactively and both felt a sense of agency in shaping how their conflicts were managed. Other examples family’s have used for code words are “break,” “stop,” “pause,” “red light,” and “no go.”

Talk about conflict when not upset.

Another key part of the code solution is that they discussed their arguments when they were not in a conflict. This helped both Mom and daughter become reflective about what happens when they are upset with one another. Because we are unable to think logically or reflectively when we are experiencing challenging emotions, that reflection in non-emotional times can make all the difference. We have the chance to agree. Also, a child becomes aware of a strategy like walking away and taking a break and views it as such – a strategy – not an angry action to worry about.

Create a plan.

To fully plan for our most challenging feelings in family life is to take full responsibility for the fact that we will have moments when we over-heat. We admit and allow for our humanity, messy as it is. And we provide an example for our children of taking responsibility for our emotions so that they too can learn these all-important self management skills. Check out this easy-to-use one page template called “the Family Emotional Safety Plan” that guides you or your child – or your entire family – through key questions to determine what you’ll say, where you’ll go and how you’ll calm down when emotions run high before trying to resolve an argument.

Springtime can produce many new activities, outdoor exploration and go-for-it energy. After all, we are feeling pent up from the long winter. But this forward moving energy can also create more conflict in family life. So taking a moment – maybe its a family dinner? – to talk about how you will handle it when those challenging emotions inevitably arise is just a smart step to ensure that you are protecting your family while promoting essential skills for getting along. With a plan in place, you can feel free fully to enjoy the sunshine!

Want more?

Check out these other supportive tools for family conflict:

Family Emotional Safety Plan in Spanish

Family Guidelines for Fighting Fair

Peace Rose – Tool for teaching children to resolve their own conflicts

Stop, Think, Go! Traffic Light Game – Practicing problem-solving

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Check out the video (link below) on how to read social cues!A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Our Children’s Social and Emotional Development Post-PandemicBy Jenny Woo, Ph.D.

In my roles as an educator, emotional intelligence researcher, former Montessori school director and mom of three, parents often ask me what they can do at home to better support their children’s development. While the most common answer you might hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference or the Pediatrician’s office is to “read to your child,” I believe there is so much more parents can do – all within the reach of everyday activities.

Parents are the first teachers of our children, and home is the first environment where our children play and learn. Yet, we frequently disassociate domestic activities from real learning, and inevitably miss out on the richness of practical and sensorial development that lie within our reach. I remember my over-zealous self as a parent: always in search of a new playground, children’s museum, or learning center – shelling out money for new experiences.

Now as a more seasoned parent and researcher, I’ve come to appreciate the value of practical life skills in not only laying the foundation for our children’s social and emotional growth, but also in ensuring that our teens can live independently and confidently on their own. This is something I’ve been doing with my kids. Below, I share examples of how to help your children develop these essential life skills and simultaneously boost their social and emotional skills.

To help your child get started ASAP, I included simple How-To videos that my children recorded to teach kids on these life skills. You can also subscribe to our Youtube channel. Videos are added almost daily.

How to Build Self-Awareness by Raising Self-Reliant Superstars

Caring for oneself is an essential life skill, and it directly connects to self-awareness. By teaching our children activities like cooking for themselves, cleaning up, and doing chores around the house, we empower them to become aware of their everyday needs and take responsibility for their well-being. For example, here’s a checklist of what your child can do:

Preschooler (Ages 4-5):

• Load the dishwasher (How-To Video)
• Wash dishes (How-To Video)
• Care for houseplants (How-To Video)

Early Elementary (6-8):

• Take out the trash/rubbish (How-To Video)
• Clean countertops (How-To Video)
• Fold/hang laundry (How-To Video)

Elementary and Beyond (9+):

• Make simple meals (How-To Video)
• Do the laundry (How-To Video)
• Clean toilets (How-To Video)

By encouraging independence, we’re helping our kids develop a strong sense of self and their ability to problem-solve in the face of challenges.

How to Build Self-Management by Raising Responsible Decision-Makers

Encourage your child to develop healthy habits like exercising regularly, healthy eating, and prioritizing sleep. These activities not only promote physical health but also teach them the importance of self-discipline and making smart choices. They will inevitably make mistakes (and poor choices) – which are in itself opportunities to practice managing oneself. For example, help your child apply these habits of mind:

• Practice growth mindset (How-To Video)
• Set SMART goals (How-To Video)
• Pack for a trip (How-To Video)
• Exercise (How-To Video)
• Eating healthy (How-To Video)
• Make a budget (How-To Video)

How to Build Social Awareness and Relationship Skills by Raising Compassionate Humans

Instilling compassion in our children is a powerful way to build social awareness and strengthen their ability to connect with others. Teaching them to genuinely care about others and understand different perspectives helps them form meaningful connections with people from all walks of life. Does your child know the difference between sympathy and empathy? Here are concepts and actions your child should know and do:

• Reading social cues (How-To Video)
• Demonstrating empathy (How-To Video)
• Make an apology (How-To Video)
• Make an appointment (How-To Video)
• Expressing gratitude (How-To Video)

I will end this on a practical note for promoting parental sanity. Remember the time when we thought our homes would magically clean themselves? Yeah, me neither. Assigning age-appropriate chores to our children not only teaches them responsibility and social and emotional skills, but it also lightens our load!! It’s a no-brainer: everyone wins! As our children learn to manage their belongings and contribute to the household, they develop a sense of accomplishment, boosting their self-esteem and work ethic.

Is there a life skill you want to teach your child that isn’t in this list? Dr. Woo would love to produce truly useful and relevant videos! So request one by adding a blog comment or you can email her at info@mindbrainemotion.com.

Dr. Jenny Woo is a Harvard-trained educator, TEDx speaker, and founder/CEO of Mind Brain Parenting. Jenny is the creator of a series of award-winning emotional intelligence games: 52 Essential Conversations, 52 Essential Relationships, 52 Essential Critical Thinking Skills, and 52 Essential Coping Skills. Her latest deck is on life skills! Her games have won the 2018 Parents’ Choice Awards, 2021 National Parenting Product Awards. Based in Irvine, CA, Jenny is a mother to three elementary-age children.

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Once upon a time (a little over ten years ago), Jennifer Miller had so many big questions that she started writing about them every single week. Now, our Confident Parents Lead Team gathers twice a year to round up all of our big questions and share them with one another. Here are the two questions we ask that we’ll pose to you too:

1. What are you working on in your own parenting with your family? What’s challenging you?
2. What are the current themes in the world concerning parents, parenting, raising kids that we should discuss?

Questions always drive our explorations and experiments. We know we’ll work toward our hopes and dreams if view parenting as an opportunity to build social and emotional skills in our children, our teens and ourselves. We come away from these discussions as a team renewed and inspired. Check out our big questions for the upcoming months. Please let us know which of these are on your mind and heart too and we hope you’ll also share your own big questions.

• With limited time left in the house (for parents of teens), how can we take advantage of our family time together? And our children are growing up, how do we deal with our own sense of loss?
• How do we deal with divisiveness and fixed mindsets – competitive versus learning conversations?
• How do we talk about, protect and prevent college/school/community shootings – violence and lack of safety in school? (This comes up all too frequently and was asked before the recent Nashville violence – among others in the news).
• How do we promote independent learning and balance with support?
• What’s private versus public in our social media world?
• What’s the parents’ role with child/teen romance?
• How do we deal with negative feedback or “haters” and help our children do the same?
• How do we deal with misinformation our children are hearing or we, as a family, are encountering?
• How do siblings influence and define one another’s identity?
• Where do parents find sources of patience?
• How do we care for our children’s well-being in our current cultural context?
• How do we teach our children to take care of themselves?
• How will artificial intelligence influence our children’s social and emotional development today and in their future?
• How can we foresee or envision future trends and forces and help our children do the same?
• How can we become advocates for our children and teens in ways that are effective?

This team is never short on big questions and big insights. Hope you’ll join in. We are eager to learn about what you are wrestling with. We are stronger when we share and learn from one another!

Want to learn more about our team? Check out our team page.

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Our Superpower Success!The fourth annual International Social and Emotional Learning Day was a big success and you were apart of it! Thank you to all those Confident Parents – lead by our Confident Parents Leadership Team! – who shared their own and their children’s SEL superpowers! Here are some other outstanding highlights of that special day. There were:

• Over 10 million views from over 5,000 mentions and 40,000 interactions with #SELday across social media

• SELday trended on Twitter for several hours

• Nine #SELday state proclamations
• A letter recognizing #SELday from President Joe Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden
• A bipartisan resolution for National SEL Week introduced in the U.S. Senate
• Over #SELday 4,100 participants representing 88 countries and all 50 U.S. states
• More than 2,500 schools, districts, and youth-serving organizations represented
• Participants committed to over 11,000 actions to showcase, promote, advocate, and support #SELday

Confident Parents’ Jennifer and Jason Miller along with teen son attended a Congressional Briefing on Capitol Hill that day where plans for the bipartisan resolution for National SEL Week were announced. But more importantly, we heard from a high school principal and the father of a student who entered high school (in a low income neighborhood in D.C.) three reading levels behind and because of the caring relationships with teachers and their investment in his and other students’ social and emotional supports graduated valedictorian of his class.

The “Parenting with SEL 101; Stories from South Carolina and Ohio” in the virtual summit attracted 461 participants and a rich discussion with a sharing of tools and resources in follow up. Miss it and want to catch? Check out the recordings of the day-long virtual summit and don’t miss Goldie Hawn discussing SEL through her program MindUp.

A New Parent Advocacy ToolkitHearing misinformation about SEL? Find accurate, useable information here!

This downloadable toolkit is a quick guide for parents and caregivers to share accurate information in support of social and emotional learning in our children’s schools and communities. Developed in 2023 by the Leading with SEL Coalition.Use and share the toolkit to:* Ground conversations in facts and data * Dispel misinformation, and * Advocate for high-quality social, emotional, and academic learning And On Family-School Partnerships…“Exchanging Heart Language; Moving Educators and Parents from Acquaintances to Partners” Today on Benchmark Education’s BlogHere’s how it begins…

“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, it goes to his heart.” — Nelson Mandela, Lead Liberator of South Africa

“If culture was a house, then language was the key to the front door to all the rooms inside.” — Khaled Housseini, Afghan American Author

The seismic changes in schools and in families ushered in over the past few years have shone a bright light on the role of parents and caregivers as essential teachers and partners in education. Teachers were dependent upon parents to get their students online and in a conducive learning environment during remote learning. As students returned to their buildings in person, parents and caregivers remained deeply invested in their success. Many students had experienced trauma as a way of life before the pandemic, but now all students added layers of trauma from the consequences of a global pandemic, creating a unique uneasiness as parents and caregivers sent their children back to school.

You could say these are hard times or you could say these are heart times — times that unmistakably, undeniably involve our hearts in showing up, in accepting and managing challenging emotions, and in growing and sustaining our nourishing relationships.

Schools are recognizing the vital role that social and emotional learning plays. As children feel safe and learn more about how to deal with their big feelings while creating healthy relationships, they can focus on and learn directly through those caring relationships. And we access one another through language. It’s our front door — our passageway for connection with students and with the families who love them. And if we don’t find the language that connects and resonates, we’ll lose our opportunities to build authentic partnerships that ultimately determine whether or not our child can learn in school. It’s just that important.

Schools are busy engaging staff in professional development. They’re asking important questions about how we can support our students who are bringing so many emotions and, for some, externalizing behaviors with them to school. And some are boosting, updating, or taking on new change initiatives like social and emotional learning to transform their buildings. What we know to be true from school change research is that how we speak with one another — and who we include in that talk — is the key to real change.

Indeed, researchers Hall and Hord found that they could identify whether or not a positive school change would last over time if they could document or observe the one-legged interview.1 This simply meant that a teacher passing another teacher in the hallway would mention the intended change — what they were learning about, how they were trying out new strategies — in passing in the amount of time it took to walk from one leg to the next, literally seconds. If, claimed the researchers, the change was a part of their everyday quick conversations, then they were wrestling with it in their minds and hearts. They’d internalized the intention and vision and were going to work collaboratively to bring it to life.

But that evidence comes from teachers who are able to run into each other in the hallway every single day. They can exchange encouraging words. But what about parents and caregivers who are essential members of the learning team — students, parents/caregivers, and teachers — who do not have that daily in-person contact? In fact, most schools have been shut down to parents and caregivers. Most are not allowing them in the building or limiting their building access as part of COVID policy. How do we involve families in the changes we are trying to bring about? It begins with language.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE.

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From Leann Wagner about her daughter Emma Wagner:

“She lets me know that good still exists in this world. She is my everything and I need her to keep me faithful to being the best mom I can possibly be.“

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Mike Wilson, Confident Parents Writer and Outreach Coordinator, Harris County Department of Education, TX and also, producing of the popular podcast “Making After School Cool!” writes:

My SEL Superpower is self awareness because I contently monitor my feelings and reactions to various situations as a part of my personal commitment to self improvement.

Jason Miller, Confident Parents Writer, Founder of Inner Sound and Co-founder of Hearth writes:

“My SEL Superpower is presence. At any given moment, I am in-tune with the space, the energy inside of me, and my connection with others.“

Ethan Miller, son of Jennifer and Jason, is 15 years old. He says:

“My SEL Superpower is kindness. I try and act kindly toward all of my classmates and anyone I encounter online.”

Nikkya Hargrove’s son Johnathan says:

“My SEL Superpower is singing because it helps people feel good.”

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Check out Dr. Jenny Woo and her children…

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Nikkya Hargrove’s SEL Superpower is presence. She writes:

“My SEL Superpower is my presence because I am calm and take everything as it comes.”

Nikkya’s daughter Aviah Hargrove’s Superpower is magic! She writes:

“My SEL Superpower is magic because I have special senses.”

In SEL terms, this is called self awareness!

Nikkya’s son Jonathan says his SEL Superpower is singing. He writes:

“My SEL Superpower is singing because it helps people feel good.“

Shannon Wanless, Director of the Office of Child Development at the University of Pittsburgh writes:

“My SEL Superpower is self-reflection because life is an amazing journey of constant self-discovery! I love journaling, sitting quietly outside and thinking, and looking to friends with different identities to help me see myself in new ways.”

Shannon’s daughter Maryella, Age 16 writes:

“My SEL superpower is her persistence. I can focus and learn and push forward even with things are hard or stressful or seem insurmountable.”

Shannon about her daughter:

“My daughter is unshakable!”

Shannon’s son, Charlie, Age 13 writes:

“My SEL superpower is relationship-building skills.”

Shannon writes about him:

“He can be in any group of kids and end up joking around with them within minutes. How does he do that?”

More SEL Superpowers to come!!! What’s yours?

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The first seven to respond on our Confident Parents’ Facebook feed or Twitter feed with a photo of themselves and/or their children along with a statement about your SEL Superpower will win a free “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence In Ourselves and Our Kids — From Toddlers to Teenagers” book. In it, you’ll learn about how social and emotional development looks at each age and stage and ways in which you can build those superpowers and support learning in family life!

Here’s how to enter to win!Post your own or your family/child’s picture with a statement that fills in the blanks:

“My/Our SEL Superpower is ___________________________________ because I/we __________________________________________________. Please include the hashtags: #ConfidentParentSEL and #SELDay2023

Post on our Facebook feed here.

Post on our Twitter feed here!

Either social media posting will enter you to win if you are one of the first seven to respond. Good luck!

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Thank you to everyone who has sent in videos or offered a few sentences on your social and emotional learning superpowers — parents, educators, kids and teens! Social and emotional learning is very simply learning about the most important skills in our lives that help us come to deeply know ourselves and others. These skills are best developed in our lives in safe, caring contexts at school, in our homes and in our communities. These are skills like self awareness of strengths, limitations, of our feelings, and our identity; self management, or controlling impulses to persist toward larger goals; social awareness, or empathy, perspective-taking, understanding and interpreting social cues, and showing compassion; and relationship skills like listening, assertively communicating, boundary-setting, and conflict management; and responsible decision-making, or thinking ahead to the consequences of our choices and trying to do no harm to ourselves or others. These fundamental skills are ones we work on developing over a whole lifetime.

Why is SEL Important in Schools?

Because children, teens and the adult who teach them do not leave their hearts and spirits at home when they come to school, it’s critical that we educate those parts of our children alongside reading, writing and ‘rithmatic. Now decades of research solidly backs the fact that children and teens who attend schools with SEL (no matter their SES!) do better academically. On high stakes achievement tests, students were found to out perform their peers without SEL by a 13% advantage (Taylor et al, 2017). We also know that emotions seal in memory. For students, a caring relationship with a teacher is an essential precondition for real learning to take place.

Why is SEL Important in Parenting?

After ten years of asking parents what their hopes and dreams for their children is, I hear the same responses. We want our kids to be happy, responsible, kind, loving, confident. And in order to meet those hopes and dreams, we can build toward them directly by seizing every simple interaction – our conversations, our routines, even our thorniest challenges – to build a social and emotional skill in our child or teen and in ourselves if we only just become intentional about it.

Today and tomorrow, we’ll be sharing our SEL Superpowers and we hope you will too! This is the time to stand up for our well-being – for the needs this generation. So although the campaign is fun and entertaining – and yes, hopefully, you’ll catch an influential ’80s hip hop artist advocating right along with us! -, it also serves a critical rallying call for us all to not be silent, but to make our voices heard now. Our children’s well-being is truly at stake. Join us!

Participate Friday – SEL Day – in the Virtual Summit

Actress and Founder of MindUp Goldie Hawn kicks off the amazing line-up of speakers all day long on Friday, March 10th. Sign up free to attend! You can catch whatever interests you! And be sure not to miss Jennifer Miller, Pamela McVeagh-Lally, Dia Mixon, Lorilei Swanson and Wendy Methvin in their panel on parenting and SEL!

Place your #SELSuperpower in the Comments below and we’ll share on social media!

Much more to come here and watch on social media for the explosion of posts on social and emotional learning! Follow along at #SELday2023!

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March 6-10 – A week of advocacy for childrenWe are working hard to get ready for social and emotional learning superpower week next week culminating in International #SEL Day on Friday, March 10th. Now is the time to ensure our children’s social and emotional well-being is a focus in our schools, homes and communities! There are several ways you can get involved!

Tell Us YOUR SEL Superpower – Yours and your child’s or students’ (for educators). Whether its kindness, empathy, generosity, your presence and focus, listening skills, problem solving skills, responsible decision-making, perseverance, gratitude, perspective taking – you name it! – we want to know and share it on social media. Fill out the quick form below and you’ll see us repost your superpower on social media next week!

Send Us Your SEL Superpower Video – Tomorrow is the last day to upload a quick video of yours or your child’s SEL Superpower. Tell us what it is and why. Be sure and orient your phone vertically. You’ll be seeing many more next week with a few celebrity surprises! Upload your video here and if you do, you offer us permission to use it through the Confident Parents’ social media (and can play a role as a proud advocate for our students!).

Sign Up for #SEL Day – When you sign up free, you’ll automatically be registered for the first time ever all-day virtual summit happening between 8:00-8:00 ET next Friday, March 10th including speaker experts Actress and Founder/CEO of MindUp Goldie Hawn; Maurice Elias, PhD, Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Kamilah Drummond-Forrester, SEL Expert; Nathan Fisher, PhD, NJ Superintendent of Schools; Joseph L. Mahoney, Ph.D., Senior Research Scientist, Panorama Education; Dia Mixon, Children’s Book Author of “One Whole Me”; Jacqueline Sanderlin, PhD., K-12 National Education Leadership Executive Manager, Apple; Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Jennifer Miller and more!

Mark your Calendar for the Parents’ Session:

March 10, 2023 @ 1:00 PM – 1:50 PM ET

Parenting with SEL 101: Stories and Solutions from South Carolina and OhioGeared toward parents and caregivers, this session will provide an engaging and accessible overview of social and emotional learning’s role in parenting children of all ages and backgrounds. Participants will hear from a panel of parents as they share their real-life stories, including the SEL practices and tools they rely on. Takeaways include access to a toolkit of strategies for parents/caregivers to deepen their connection with their children and build the social and emotional skills of everyone in the home.

SPEAKERS

• Jennifer Smith Miller, Founder, Author, Confident Parents, Confident Kids, Co-founder SEL4OH
• Pamela McVeagh-Lally, Founding Partner, SEL Consulting Collaborative, Co-founder SEL4OH
• Wendy Methvin, Executive Director, SEL4SC
• Dr. Lorilei Swanson, Regional Liaison-Upstate Region, Carolina Family Engagement Center
• Dia Mixon, The Wellington School Teacher and Children’s Book Author (in Columbus, Ohio)

Submit a form.

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March is next week! We are getting excited about #SEL Day! Don’t miss your chance to ask your child what their #SEL Superpower is – and be sure to record it (vertically)! And then, turn your camera on yourself and let us know what your superpower is too!

We invite you to help us generate more inspiration and joy for social and emotional learning in families, schools and communities by recording a short, selfiie-style video talking about your SEL “superpower” (strength) and what it means to you. We need videos from parents, educators, experts and kids! This shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes of your time. Here’s my own example.

• Step 1: Be sure to record with your phone or device in a vertical position.
• Step 2: Once you record your video, complete the quick video release form.
• Step 3: Share your video and release form to our Dropbox link.

Please submit the video here with your release form by Friday, March 4th.We will be launching the campaign on social media during the week of March 6-10, in celebration of International SEL Day on March 10th. Last year, thousands of parents and educators participated. To learn more, check out the site on SEL Day.

Thank you for being a champion for all of our children!

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What’s your parent superpower?Confident Parents, Confident Kids is engaging in a new video campaign in support of a focus on the well-being and school and life success of children and we invite you to join us!

Over the past year, we have been inspired by the many positive, “good news” stories from parents, educators, students, and community leaders on social and emotional learning (SEL) whether it takes place through parenting in family life, schools or communities. At the core of these stories is a focus on the many – and unique – strengths that a focus on children’s social and emotional skills (and parents and educators too!) can nurture and build — or what we are calling “SEL superpowers.” Building on that theme, we are launching a social media campaign focused on sharing real stories of real people around the country who care about social and emotional learning. We think your story is powerful to share!

We invite you to help us generate more inspiration and joy for social and emotional learning by recording a short, selfiie-style video talking about your SEL “superpower” (strength) and what it means to you. This shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes of your time.

• Step 1: If you want to learn more about what to do: review our guide on video recording best practices, including prompts for your recording. Be sure to record with your phone or device in a vertical position.
• Step 2: Once you record your video, complete the video release form.
• Step 3: Share your video and release form to our Dropbox link.

Please submit the video by Friday, March 4th.We will be launching the campaign on social media during the week of March 6-10, in celebration of International SEL Day on March 10th. Last year, thousands of parents and educators participated. To learn more, check out the site on SEL Day.

We are participating in this campaign as a member of the Leading with SEL coalition, an alliance of 25 organizations and associations that help broaden awareness of the benefits of supporting the social, emotional, and academic development of all children.

Thank you for being a champion for all of our children!

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By Nikkya Hargrove

Bedtime is always a struggle in my house with 7-year-old twins. As they get older, they’ve learned, rather intelligently, how to squeeze out a little more time before bed with me. There are many stories they have to share, many of them are random and are clouded by their exhaustion like “When you were born in the ’80s, were there bike helmets?” Why they need to know the answer to this question, as I tuck them into bed, I have no idea. It’s taken me a little while to realize the true reason they prolong bedtime. It is because each night, without fail, I give each of them a kiss on the forehead and say “I love you.” Every single night. Because I want them to know they are loved, for who they are just as they are. My words matter to them and to me.

Saying I love you didn’t always come naturally to me. As a child, I heard the words less frequently than I would have liked from people who didn’t have the gallon-sized love I needed as a child. I promised myself that the very moment I became a mother, I would give my kids the words that comforted me when I heard them. I got into the routine of saying it so much so that now I feel uneasy if I don’t say the words to those I love.

Saying I love you to my kids especially, and often multiple times a day, matters to me. I hope it matters to them too. As parents, we know the power our words have to both build up our kids or break them down and it’s the latter I hope we all can avoid. When we want to teach our kids how powerful words can be, saying “I love you” helps. It teaches them that they are valued. It reassures them that they have a sense of security. It reminds them that they too have love to give and can say those three little words more easily.

Three little words carry so much weight. They build and nurture relationships. There is a safe space in the room, in the air, when the words linger for just a moment. It also gives us (and our kids) the ability to be vulnerable. To not expect anything in return, except to consider what was said to them, especially when it comes from the heart. It is important for me to role model how to safely and in a purposeful way express love. I create a safe space for them to share their words, their feelings in a meaningful way, and why it matters. I too am learning or rather relearning how powerful these words can be. After I put them to bed, not always, but sometimes, I think about my childhood and my interactions with my caregivers.

In my household as a child, we did not handle words the way that I choose to handle them in my household with my kids or family today. My wife and I show our kids when we are angry or sad or some feeling in between…and if we don’t know what we are feeling we say that to them too. In my household, when an adult had feelings, big feelings about something, the kids didn’t necessarily know why. But when adults were mad, we knew, we heard it and we felt it. When we heard the words “I love you,” it was something to be held onto in fear of losing it at some point, the feeling, the security of their words. And, that is what I never want my kids to question.

I never want them to wonder if they are loved. Or if their behavior or mistake or trophy or if they win their soccer game will in any way change the love I have for them. When I tell them every morning before they go to school and every night before they close their eyes that I love them, they know it and can feel it. They can be reminded of my love for them when they open their lunch boxes and find a note from me reminding them of the same “Remember how beautiful you are and how much you are loved!” I imagine someday in the not-so-distant future, they will want me to stop putting little notes in their lunch boxes. I know they will never tire of hearing me say to them: I love you.

Nikkya Hargrove is an alum of Bard College and a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is forthcoming from Algonquin Books. She lives in Connecticut with her one son and two daughters and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy. Learn more at https://www.nikkyamhargrove.com.

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Changing Patterns Requires Reflection…A parent at a workshop expressed, “my son talks back and it gets me so mad. I know I’m probably contributing to his acting out but it sets me off every time.” “It feels like my daughter tries to get me upset. Why would she do that?” another lamented. When we have identified patterns in our children’s behavior that we want to change — particularly those that push our hottest buttons — how do we change them?

In fact, that is the time when we have to examine our own reactions. Consider that children’s behavior will indeed change when adults’ reactions change. There may be an adjustment period as they experience you differently but ultimately children will adapt to their caregiver’s choices and reactions. The good news is that our reaction is something we can control. The challenge for us then becomes how do we change and how do we know what behaviors to shift toward in order to elicit a more constructive reaction? You might ask the following key questions:

• What patterns in my child’s behaviors do I want to change?
• What behaviors would I like to see my child adopt instead in those same circumstances?
• How can my reactions to their undesirable behaviors demonstrate the behaviors I would like to see in them – so that I am modeling what I want to see reflected back to me?

“I know what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I can do instead.” said a parent as we further discussed challenges. Often it is easier to look back on the experiences from our childhood and know exactly what we don’t want to repeat. But if we haven’t explored the connections between our current parenting challenges and our experiences as children related to similar issues, we may – consciously or unconsciously – repeat them. We get caught up in a cycle of shame and guilt and then fear and regret when we feel out of control with our children and at times, ourselves.

And there’s brain science to explain why that occurs. Our experiences from our own childhoods are part of our mental wiring. That’s why when children challenge us, we feel it can bring out our worst selves. Parenting from the Inside Out authors explain it this way:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions or sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children.1

The good news is that patterns can be changed. You can get out of that cycle of shame, guilt, fear and regret. Countless individuals have been able to raise their children in ways that align with their values, changing patterns from their pasts. These individuals are sons and daughters of parents with mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction and the behaviors that are associated with those illnesses including emotional and physical violence and abuse. Parents with those kinds of experiences as part of their childhood story may not perpetuate an addiction themselves but be quickly wounded when a child lashes out and may be prone to lash back.

So the big question is “How do you change those patterns?” The only path to truly addressing patterns we don’t want to repeat is through self-awareness, intentionality, goal setting, practice (a.k.a. diligent work on it) and a commitment to continual learning. Perhaps that means seeking a counselor to share your childhood story with to work on processing themes from your past. Perhaps that means journaling, reading and reflecting on how you can heal your own wounds. Certainly it requires learning about how you will replace the old behaviors with new behaviors. Instead of yelling when my child won’t get out of the door on time and we are going to be late for school, what can I do? What can I say? And most importantly, how can I help myself deal with my own emotions in that moment so that I am able to bring a better self to the moment?

Build your own self-awareness first.
We all have blind spots – aspects of ourselves we are simply too close to see. That is why seeking support is so critical. Coaches, counselors, therapists and other mental health professionals are trained to listen to our stories and then reflect our blind spots back to us to help raise our self-awareness.

Have you ever said something that, perhaps, had been in your mind but never articulated out loud? And when you did say it out loud to another person, just the act of articulating it gave you your own “aha” insight into yourself. Those moments of raised self-awareness are essential if we are going to grow as parents and bring the selves we want to bring to our children. In addition to talking with a trained professional, reflection is another way to raise self-awareness. Use a journal dedicated solely to parenting and understanding what you bring to parenting from your own childhood. Write out links between your current challenges and how those same kinds of challenges were handled when you were young. Here are a few questions to get you started:

• What are the behaviors your children exhibit that challenge you the most?
• How do you feel when those behaviors occur?
• What actions do you typically take when they occur? What words do you usually use?
• Do those words and actions align with your values in life and for parenting? Do they align with what you want to teach your child? How do you know? Here’s the ultimate test — If your child repeated your words and actions in public, would you be glad, proud or ashamed, guilty or angry? If the latter is the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
• Consider those current kid behaviors that challenge you in the context of your own childhood. Did you exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did your parents react to you? How did you feel in those moments?
• And did your parents happen to act in a similar challenging way (to those kid behaviors)? If so, how? And when they did act that way, how did you feel at the time? How did you react at the time? Is it similar to your current reactions to your children?
• If you have discovered through your reflections that your words and actions do not align with your values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can you first address those hurts? How can you deal with them, work to understand them and be compassionate toward the child you were? Consider whether you might need support on the journey toward healing.
• Then, how can you accept that your big feelings – when your child acts out – are reasonable considering your upbringing?
• Finally, how can you find ways to learn about dealing with your current feelings in the moments of great challenge? How can you learn what words and actions would align with your values as a parent? And how can you begin to practice new ways of being?

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Gretchen Rubin, author of Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives studied what we can do and has a helpful set of suggestions. 2 Though many of her examples are related to weight loss and getting physically healthy, they translate well into parenting habits we want to replace. She offers some helpful supports for making desired changes and I offer my parenting spin on the following.

Define your goal. First, she writes that it matters whether you are prevention or promotion-oriented. So consider, do you prefer to stop eating junk foods or do you prefer to start eating healthy foods? It may seem like semantics but the way you frame your goal or intention will help you follow through on it and stay motivated. If you are prevention oriented, your goal may be to stop the yelling. If you are promotion oriented, your goal may focus on promoting calming down strategies when family members are upset.

Learn. An important part of changing patterns is learning how to act differently. We cannot do that without seeking outside resources. Explore sites, articles and books that seem to be in alignment with your values and spend time learning about what has worked for others. In addition, be certain that you include reading about your own child’s developmental milestones. So often, challenging kid behaviors are related to their learning and developmental process so your understanding of those issues will extend your empathy, compassion and patience.

Experiment for a Limited Timeframe. We learn new ways to parent just as we learn other skills in life often, best through trial and error. Why not decide on a plan for how you will react next time that predicable, but undesirable pattern crops up and you get angry at your child? How can you plan to react differently just for one week? What will you do? For example, you could utter aloud “stop,” for your own benefit and your child’s and go inside yourself to calm down and recall your plan before reacting with anger. Ask yourself, “what’s my child’s motivation here? How can I build empathy for their misguided attempts at attention or power? And how can I help them achieve attention or power positively, constructively?” Set short timeframes – even a day or two – and help yourself become successful in trying out new strategies. Keep what works and then…

Create a ritual or routine. Rubin writes about the virtue of starting with a clean slate, meaning finding a time in life that is already a turning point (a move, a new job, a new grade level for your child) and begin your change at that point. But you need not wait for a major life change to get started. You can create one by developing a ritual or establishing a routine. Want to yell less? Perhaps you create a routine of “inside voice level” talk with your whole family. Ask members, “How can we help each other to remember to keep our voices at a reasonable level?” and “What can we do to calm down when we are getting angry at one another?” If you decide that each family member agrees to take five deep breathes in the midst of a conflict, then practice and make it a routine. Each time there’s a disagreement, before it escalates too far, remind each other to take five deep breathes. Do what you can to help yourself remember so that you become consistent with your new routine. This not only supports changing your behavior, it also changes your brain wiring as you act with consistency. And in turn, your children will react accordingly.

Take care. Changing an undesirable pattern takes focus, commitment, persistence and hard work. That means that if you are sleep deprived, you are going to be much less likely to have the capacity to follow through on your new routines or practices. If you are serious about changing a pattern, then you need to get serious about your own self care at the same time. Rubin writes that

It’s helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen our self-control: these habits serve as the foundation of all our habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. 2

– Gretchen Rubin, “Better Than Before; Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives”

These habits are ones that help us to sleep, move, eat and drink right and unclutter. It may feel like an onslaught of goals to try and tackle a parenting challenge along with eating healthier. But the truth is one will support the other. The aforementioned areas will help reinforce other patterns you are trying to change by meeting your physical and emotional basic needs allowing you to focus on your goal – your desired behavioral changes.

Schedule it. If it’s in the calendar, it gets done. It’s just that simple. If it’s not in the calendar, it’s not likely to be accomplished. So go ahead and book your practice toward achieving your goal. Maybe you put in your calendar practicing deep breathing for five minutes each day after you drop your child off at school. Maybe you schedule your practice with your child after school to bring some accountability to your practice. I find if I am focused on teaching my son, I am much more committed to the task. Writing down a regular time to practice implementing the new behavior will assist you in following through and actually doing it.

Establish accountability. Certainly you are accountable to that sweet face that is your child and she is what likely incited you to develop a goal in the first place. However it is helpful to establish multiple points of accountability to support you and keep you on track. Rubin writes that

Accountability is a powerful factor in habit formation, and a ubiquitous feature in our lives. If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently. 2

– Gretchen Rubin

So how can you make yourself accountable? One first step is to let all family members know that you are working on yelling less and require their support. If they’ve noticed you’ve yelled that day, you could ask for them to give you that feedback, gently and kindly, by the day’s end. You could agree upon a hand signal to use that will help everyone moderate their voices. I often use a kitchen timer to help me remain on task or remind me to change gears. How can you find a way to make yourself accountable?

Recognize steps. No one person can skip from A to Z, from failing to succeeding, from irate to fully calm. But it’s critical that we recognize our steps along the way to keep up our motivation. We have to see some progress to feel like we can forge ahead. So be realistic about your steps forward. Recognize when you have made changes, even if small, even if for one day. Call it out to family members or write it down in your calendar. “My child came home from school and had a frustration meltdown. I kept calm and didn’t yell.” Those small steps represent your progress toward permanent habit changes. Give yourself credit for each step of the way.

One of my favorite quotes from experts on change is “When change is successful, it is the quality of the little things that makes the final difference.” 3 Becoming a parent helps uncover our identity in a way that no other experience can. If we embrace that fact as an opportunity for greater learning and development, we can become the person and the parent we truly want to be.

References

1. Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.
2. Rubin, G. (2015). Better than Before, Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. London, UK: Two Roads Books.
3. Hall, G.E. & Hord, S.M. (2001). Implementing Change, Patterns, Principles and Potholes. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Originally published March 3, 2016.

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Learning from a Recent Study of Parenting Supports“How could we better the lives of kids if we asked a wide range of parents throughout a state about aspects of their parenting – hopes, challenges, worries – and used that information and language to develop practical tools based on solid research that can support them at every age and stage?” That was the basic, but also giant and visionary question that research scientists who study health and safety at Montana State University asked six years ago. They found supportive partners at the state government level in the Montana Department of Public Health and Human Services. And they engaged Jennifer Miller of Confident Parents five years ago to serve as the lead author of those tools after extensively surveying 1,200+ parents in the state of Montana (and have subsequently surveyed parents each year since).

From all of that information from parents, we, a team of research-to-practice translators led by Annmarie McMahill, Senior Research Scholar, began developing an intentional parenting process that could be applied in a general way to each issue of concern based on developmental science and particularly social and emotional research. That simple five-step intentional parenting process is:

1. Seek input.

Begin by finding out from your child what they know, how they feel and what their experiences are about a particular topic. Whether it’s a skill like listening, a poor choice like lying or a challenge they are facing like homework or bullying, you can always discover greater empathy, patience and compassion by seeking input and it signals you on where to begin in addressing the issue with your child.

2. Teach.

There are a number of ways parents can teach their child a new skill or a positive behavior to replace a poor choice. Particularly when you ask the question: what opportunity do I have to promote a social and emotional skill?, it can lead to modeling, trying it out together and increasing your child’s independence with skills like self awareness, self management, social awareness, relationship skills or responsible decision-making.

3. Practice.

New skills are just that – new. It’s only when we practice and rehearse a skill over time that we can achieve mastery or create a new habit. Practice guided by a parent can take the form of a game, story or fun activity where parent and child try it out together. For example, in building listening skills, you may tell a story aloud and see how many details your child can recall including the feelings of the characters.

4. Support.

This step includes noticing, offering encouraging feedback and also, providing constructive tips and coaching as needed. We all require support in trying something new. So this is a necessary component of introducing new positive behaviors in your household.

5. Recognize.

It’s easy to notice the behaviors we don’t like or are annoyed by. It’s more challenging to notice those small, incremental efforts toward positive change. Yet, our noticing is precisely what reinforces how important the hard work is that our children are putting into building new skills. Using “I notice…” language is a simple way to recognize that they are making progress.

The intended outcomes of this work were to improve social and emotional skills in children and in parents which, we know from research, leads to increased well-being and reductions in risky behaviors. From a recently released small study by Kaylin Greene, an Associate Professor of Sociology at Montana State University, we have preliminary results that point to this process and these tools working.

A small sampling of parents in Montana used the online parenting tools with their children with access to a parenting coach over the course of six months. Check out the following data graphs and charts. Children’s social and emotional skills grew over that six month period with each competency. Some of that could relate to natural development over time but not to the degree and consistency of the improvement shown.

In addition, the parents increased their social and emotional skills on each competency over the intervention period.

And we learned from parents that they felt their relationship grew in intimacy and trust because of the process. Though more research is needed to understand whether these supports really make a difference – for example, does a parent require a coach in order to use the online tools effectively? – this is important feedback that they are valuable tools for families.

ParentingMontana.org is a model for other states in providing supports to families that are both informed by research and also, by the parent community who will be utilizing the tools. Check out the site! You’ll discover numbers on the home page. Click on the age of your child and you’ll find a wealth of tools on many subjects of concern at that age.

Thank you Jay Otto and Annmarie McMahill, primary Co-investigators, for providing the visionary leadership for this important work!

Check out the research brief to learn more.

Full Study:

Greene, K., (2022). 2022 ParentingMontana.org Preliminary Evaluation Report, Bozeman, MT: Montana State University.

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Highlights for Children has been a long time partner of Confident Parents, Confident Kids. We are delighted they are creating their own set of resources for confident parenting on their new site. Here’s their introduction! Check it out!

Here’s Highlights for Children’s Parenting Site Launch AnnouncementJoin us tonight on Instagram Live! Visit the Highlights for Children Instagram page to check it out at 8:00 p.m. EST tonight. We’ll discuss the difference between teasing, bullying and social aggression and how we can support our children and teens through it all!

Do check out the new site here with family games, arts and crafts, learning and school readiness supports and social and emotional development tips and resources!

Check out our recent collaborations with Highlights for Children!Jennifer Miller of Confident Parents was honored to be interviewed for a recent article they published over the holidays entitled “When the Holidays Hurt; 4 Ways to Parent through Grief.”

AND their “Dear Highlights” Podcast featuring Jennifer Miller on social aggression was the most popular of the season. You can check that our here: “What’s the Difference between Teasing, Bullying and Social Aggression?”

Thank you, Highlight for Children, for your continued partnership and the new support you are creating to promote confident parenting!

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Persistent and Advanced Models for Parents and CaregiversAt the heart of every revolutionary is a person who sees from a different perspective, often a larger perspective and instead of following rules and other people’s expectations, they actively set out to change the rules and expectations. I’ve written about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., the visionary, the peacemaker, and the courageous. This year, I am reflecting on Dr. King, the nonviolent revolutionary and what insights we can learn today from him in our roles as parents, caregivers and changemakers.

There was much talk of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi’s nonviolent protests in India and their ability to change the treatment of the poorest citizens named “untouchables” in America’s South in the early to mid 1950s. With many years already spent in laying the seeds of change and small scale efforts, Dr. King’s leadership of the civil rights movement was beginning to take its first large scale steps. And according to Harris Wofford’s “Of Kennedys and Kings: Making Sense of the Sixties,” Dr. King credits a quiet seamstress as the catalyst for the large scale civil disobedience that followed.1 Rosa Parks claims she got on the bus with the same intention she had every other day of her life – to go home from work to be with her family. But that fateful day when she was told to go the back of the bus, a flame grew within her of courage and conviction. “It’s a sudden spark like that that starts great conflagrations — when the tinder is ready,” reflected Dr. King later (p. 114). What followed – led by Dr. King and the Women’s Political Council – was the Montgomery, Alabama Bus Boycott planned originally as a one-day event. This daylong protest expanded into a twelve-month protest involving 50,000 souls.2

Before the bus boycotts began, they agreed to nonviolent principles and also, to three basic demands for change including 1. courteous treatment by bus operators, 2. seating on a first come, first serve basis, and 3. Black American bus operators were employed for predominantly Black-populated routes.

Dr. King led the civil rights movement in part through his wise, charismatic oration and stirred crowds to visionary, aligned action. Here’s what he told the packed Church the day after Rosa was arrested for her civil disobedience and the evening before the bus boycott began:

…Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for them that despitefully use you. If we fail to do this our protest will end up as a meaningless drama on the stage of history. If you will protest courageously, and yet with dignity and love, when the history books are written in future generations, the historians will have to pause and say, “There lived a great people — a black people — who injected new meaning and dignity into the veins of civilization (p.

115).

– Harris Wofford, “Of Kennedys and Kings; Making Sense of the Sixties”

Nonviolent protest was to be the differentiator, the powerful lever of change. And it worked. The Montgomery Bus Boycotts resulted in the Supreme Court ruling that segregation on public buses was unconstitutional. Why did it work? We know their opposition would use violent force. Yet with enough people to unite and show a healthier way society can live, that force overpowers old, outdated beliefs and practices. Evolution continues to advance.

As a changemaker, we can learn, model and teach our children the discipline of nonviolent communication. These skills can prepare them for uncertainty, injustice and hardship like no other set of practices. These tools ensure that they can navigate relationships in healthy, generative ways and when they meet destructive forces can, with confidence, move out of harm’s way or refuse to move or participate in a way that changes the dynamic but does not harm individuals.

Can you imagine the resistance to Dr. King’s radical idea? If you followed him, you might be tear-gassed, you may be shot, dragged to prison, beaten in any number of ways. How might you be convinced that the means of nonviolent protests is worth the suffering for the opportunity of a sea change? This applies to family life too – I promise! Let’s look at power versus force from a book by the same name…3

If we analyze the nature of force, it becomes readily apparent why it must always succumb to power; this is in accordance with the basic laws of physics. Because force automatically creates counter-force, its effect limited by definition. Power, on the other hand, is still. It’s like a standing field that doesn’t move…Power gives life and energy — force takes these away. (p. 132).

David Hawkins, MD, PhD, “Power Versus Force; The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior”

Force creates a winner and loser. Power retains agency – your own and in others. Perhaps now you see the many implications for your parenting and indeed for any relationship you value in your life. Here are a few reflections Dr. King might whisper for you to consider:

– When do you empower your children or teens to make choices, to learn how to do tasks for themselves, to co-create rules and routines together? When do you teach, model and practice healthy ways to resolve conflicts building skills?

– When do you use force? Do you punish? Do you act in ways that intend to hurt? How does it make you feel? How does your child feel? Do you experience counter-force? What does your child learn from those interactions? Are there alternative ways of teaching, modeling, practicing and coaching the positive behaviors you want to see you might consider?

There’s a reason the book “Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg is in its third edition.4 It lays out in simple terms the ways in which we can communicate assertively, kindly, and firmly to keep our relationships healthy and generative. Often, these ways of communicating are not only not intuitive but they require focused practice and discipline. That’s because we have largely been raised in a “force” paradigm so that aggression – passive or active – is a regular part of the language we are accustomed to. Yet, these changes can make a significant impact in our relationships. Here are a few of the key principles Rosenberg lays out with my own adaptations for parents and caregivers.

1. Observe instead of evaluate.

It’s been said that observation versus judgement is the highest form of human intelligence. And if you’ve practiced mindfulness in any form, you have practice in non-judgmental observation. Have you ever spied an unsafe or problematic behavior in your child and merely stated that you notice it? Most haven’t. Yet if you have, you’ll note that if your child is aware that what they are doing is unsafe or inappropriate, they are likely to turn around the behavior with your simple observation only.

To turnaround behavior:

“I notice it’s dinnertime and you haven’t started on homework.”

“I notice the garbage is full.”

To reinforce behavior:

“I notice you got your homework done before dinner.”

“I notice you made your bed this morning.”

“I notice you were ready and on time!”

This can work with any family member of course, not just in the parent-child role.

1. Express feelings and needs.

Though both of these may sound easy, they tend to offer the greatest challenge. The reason is that each place the owner of the feelings and needs in a place of vulnerability. Yet that is precisely the stance necessary in order to move a conflict forward in a healthy way. If you are arguing with someone including your child, they can become fearful or suspicious if they feel your anger or anxiousness but do not have the full insight from you to explain and understand your inner state. Here’s how you might express yourself:

“I’m feeling intensely frustrated with… myself, the situation. I feel helpless too.”

“I need to gain more of a sense of control.” Or “I need to pause to calm my insides.”

1. Take responsibility for our own feelings and role.

This can mean the vital distinction between healthy relationships and enmeshed or co-dependent relationships. In taking responsibility, we avoid the pitfall we are susceptible to of projecting our own feelings on another’s heart when we solely own our inner state and role. We offer our loved ones agency when we approach with curiosity but not assumption about their feelings and needs. And we avoid the blame game (which automatically creates a “force” dynamic) when we own our role in a problem and not any other part of the problem. If taking responsibility for our part (and if we are engaged in a conflict, we always play a part. It takes two after all.), then we open the door to the other to take their own responsibility for their feelings and role. Rosenberg writes about emotional slavery versus emotional liberation in the following ways:

1. Emotional slavery. We feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
2. Stepping toward liberation – We feel anger to free from being responsible for other’s feelings. If we allow, accept and honor this feeling, we can achieve…
3. Emotional liberation – when we take responsibility for only our own intentions and actions.

4. Request honesty and “that which would enrich life.”

Whether in conflict with a child, a partner, a co-worker or a friend, after we’ve owned our feelings and needs, we can ask for honesty from them. How are they feeling? What is their role? What responsibility can they take? Without honesty, it can be leave us stuck swirling in the problem without the heart information to move ahead, to mend, to heal. We have a right to ask our intimate others – how can we proceed in a way that enriches our lives collectively?

Sometimes this honesty can only be brought about when we ensure the other that unconditional love is present. Our children must hear: “I love you no matter what.” Isn’t that what Dr. King was insisting of the congregation before they not only inconvenienced their daily lives but literally put themselves and their families in mortal danger?

This is one of the many lessons essential to understanding how to raise confident kids by acting as confident parents that Dr. King and the civil rights movement continue to teach us. Thank you, Dr. King, Rosa Parks and the many others who courageously demonstrated a better way of living.

References:

1. Wofford, H. (1980). Of Kennedys and Kings; Making Sense of the Sixties. Pittsburgh, PA: University of Pittsburgh Press.
2. History.com. Montgomery Bus Boycott. Retrieved on 1-12-23: https://www.history.com/topics/black-history/montgomery-bus-boycott
3. Hawkins, D.R. (2002). Power Versus Force; The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House Inc.
4. Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer Press.

Further Reading:

One of Confident Parents most popular articles of all time… nonviolent ways to deal with misbehavior: 50 Constructive Alternatives to Detention or Punishment by Jennifer Miller, CPCK

From Dr. King’s Sermon “The Mastery of Fear,” What Can We Learn Today? by Jennifer Miller, CPCK

Today We Hear the Call of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. by Jennifer Miller, CPCK

Differences Do Matter — Why Talking About Them Helps Us Raise Compassionate Kids? By Shuana Tominey, CPCK

How Can We, As Parents, Live the Values of Martin Luther King Jr.? by Jennifer Miller, CPCK

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Happy New Year, Confident Parents!

We, in the Miller household, are in a very back-to-basics mode starting out this year. It was a renewing break. But we had a few breakdowns toward the end of our time off that focused our attention on household repairs. In addition, we find ourselves shoring up our exercise routines, revisiting our plans for nutrition (after indulging in some serious sugar over the holidays), looking at our connections to nature and our environment, and discussing financial planning.

In addition to thinking about intentions for healthy, sustainable living, we are dealing with the very practical day-to-day reality of returning to the routine. Getting our teen son to bed at a reasonable hour at night is an adjustment. Getting up and out of the door with a laptop charged, water bottle refreshed, and all systems-a-go is another feat that feels rocky and uncertain. We’ll get there but we clearly are out of practice. Here’s some fuel for you if you too are need of a boost to your family’s wintertime routine.

As we generally are working on our foundational needs, it’s pushing me to ask the question:

What are some of the basics of parenting for and with confidence?

The following are key.

Noticing Outdated Patterns from our Past

We know that every part of parenting from our everyday conversations to our greatest challenges can serve as an opportunity to grow a social and emotional skill in our children and teens and in ourselves. In fact, we have some of the greatest opportunities for growth as adults through the pushes, pulls and difficulties of being a purpose-led parent. If instinct guides our every move and choice in reaction to our children, then we have decided to replicate the training from our own upbringing for better and for worse. Yes, at times, instinct will lead us to act just as our parents did. And we recognize it the minute the phrase comes out of our mouthes… “That’s not me” you think. “That’s my mother (or father).” And at other times, instinct instead may lead us to the opposite reaction our own parents displayed or intended and if that counter-reaction was born out of an act of resistance, it’s likely we will go to extremes. Often neither of these responses lead to confident and competent actions.

Parenting with Intention

And so in order to alter the patterns of the past that we do not want to repeat, we need to become intentional about how we parent. If we have regrets for reactions of the past, that’s a perfect place to begin. It helps to become reflective about the following questions:

– What do I want to replicate from my own upbringing?

It’s well worth listing these out and then, noticing whether these are already a part of our parenting. They most likely are. If so, this is an important affirmation and validation that these can be checked off of your worry list. You are already doing them – and you have the necessary training to do them well!

– What do I want to change that stems from my upbringing either as a repetition of outdated words and actions or an outdated counter reaction?

– When, where and how do those reactions occur?

Pick one pattern you’d like to change and set a new year’s intention. Maybe you end up nagging at homework time or end up yelling or fighting over getting work accomplished? Write down your intention to formalize it in your mind and heart. Here’s how it might look:

I am confident in my child’s ability to get her homework accomplished. I will set her up for success by co-creating a routine with her and establishing clear boundaries about when, where and how it will take place. I will review these, remind her and support her. If upset, I’ll pull away and breathe before interacting.

Using the Social and Emotional Growth Filter

Our son used a few of his phone filters on photos of us this Christmas and we played with the many distortions and crazy faces it produced. There are always multiple ways to view any one situation. Why not view a thorny challenge with the filter of your child’s growth and development? It can not only alter your reaction, but also it can change your motivation level to work hard to transform the problem into a growth opportunity.

Imagine in your mind’s eye the scene of challenge. What does it look like? What does it sound like? Now, freeze the scene and ask the question:

What opportunity exists in this moment to build one or more social and emotional skills?

I notice that when I ask that question, I typically can come up with more than one skill that is being challenged. Let’s use the homework example.

Your daughter may not be self-aware of her procrastination as a sign of a fear of failure when she approaches homework. Opportunity: Self Awareness Skills (identifying her true feelings and how they impact her lack of motivation, knowledge of her strengths, ability to work hard and also limitations where she needs to seek help)

Your daughter may struggle to use her self control when friends are texting and online gaming when it’s time for her to focus on her work. Opportunity: Self Management Skills

Your daughter may not be aware that her neglect of homework has a ripple effect on the rest of the family. It can interfere with dinner and getting to bed at a reasonable time which can impact the next day’s morning routine. Opportunity: Social Awareness Skills (like taking social cues, empathy, perspective-taking)

Your daughter may feel like a victim in this scenario being forced to do hard work when she doesn’t feel capable. Yet the conflict that her avoidance creates between you and her eats away at your relationship since it occurs day after day. Opportunity: Relationship Skills (like communication and constructive conflict management)

Your daughter is not feeling a sense of independence and responsibility for accomplishing her work. Opportunity: Responsible Decision-Making Skills

Our Child’s Behavior as our Report Card

We can use our child’s words and actions as a way to gauge what we need to work on. This report card is NOT ever a pass/fail grade. There is always another chance to learn, to try a new approach and to react differently. Instead this is a measure of progress and where learning opportunities continue to exist — or persist. Our opportunity for growth does not come from one time words or actions. Children and teens (and parents too!) must make mistakes, have accidents, and try and fail in order to learn. But when we catch our children repeating words and actions that do not align with their best, most confident selves – or bring out our own shadow sides – then, we have an opportunity to stop and reflect on the chance for transformative change.

One key foundational principle we can remember and recite is that when adults change, our children’s behavior adapts. We can lead the charge. It’s an empowering start to our new year! How can we be the change we want to see in the world? How can we begin at home? How can it begin inside ourselves?

Here’s to a year of well-being, growth and learning for ourselves and our children!

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The Welcome Chance to Step Back from Holiday Noise and Quietly ReflectSo the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us – Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, fest, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!!

– The Shortest Day by Susan Cooper

Tomorrow, December 21, the shortest day of the year, will mark the turning from dark to an increase in sunlight. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the coldest time of year and in the Southern, it marks the Summer Solstice. The traditions that recognize this passage seem to touch numerous cultures around the world and date back to ancient times in which the Mayan Indians, ancient Romans, Scandinavians and others celebrated. Today, there are winter solstice traditions celebrated in India, China, Japan, South Korea, England, Ireland, Canada, Guatemala and more. Years ago, my own neighborhood friends would gather on this day, say some words of gratefulness for the gift of light in our lives, and each person would contribute a stick or evergreen branch to the fire. This tradition has remained in my memory as one of the most sacred I have attended. All of the major world holidays involve an appreciation for light in the darkness as a previous article explored including Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa.

This year, we have the opportunity to engage again in this ritual with dear friends and we are grateful to extend our family tradition to include more. This passage of dark to light offers so many opportunities for meaningful connection and reflection. Positive change begins inside ourselves and then, at home with our families. And as positive changemakers – which if you read and follow this, you are! – the solstice presents an opportunity, a moment to ask “how am I being the change I want to see in the world?” If I am to authentically embrace empathy and compassion for others – even and especially those who are challenging me or making destructive choices – I first must invest in letting go of judgement and that includes my own self-criticism – which can serve as the toughest critic of all. I can only do this if I remind myself that each person is coping with their pain in vastly different ways. And there is no one right path. What if, this Solstice, each person took the time to reflect on their voices of judgement for others and themselves and sent them into the fire to burn to ashes? If we did this in a wholehearted way, I wonder if we could rise like a phoenix and offer the compassion to ourselves and others that is so needed? I know the potential is there. How can you become a model for your family?

I so appreciate this day as a silent pause in the hustle of the holidays for introspection. If you, as I do, want to take this sacred moment to recognize how nature is offering us this opportunity for transformation, here are some ways to bring your family into the reflection with you. The following are themes that are emphasized across the world’s solstice traditions.

Theme: Letting Go, Forgiveness and Rebirth
In ancient Rome during the solstice, wars stopped, grudges were forgiven and slaves traded places with their masters. Today, the theme of forgiveness and rebirth is carried out in a diverse range of religious and cultural practices. The burning of wood to create light in the darkness also symbolizes that we can let go of old stories, judgements of ourselves and others, old wounds or poor choices and begin again. For children, it’s a critical lesson to learn that one choice does not determine who they are. There is always the light of a new day to offer a chance for forgiving the old and creating the new.

Question for our Family Dinner: Are people in your life disappointing you with their choices? Are there hurts that you are holding onto from the past? Have you disappointed yourself? How can you focus on letting go realizing that holding on only hurts yourself and keeps you imprisoned with those judgements? With the burning of a candle, can you imagine those disappointments burning into the ash, forgiven, and offering you a new chance?

Theme: Connection
Our connection to one another during this time is one of the most valuable. Ironically savoring our moments with our loved ones can get buried under a mound of anxiety, expectations and commitments. When it comes to focusing on our appreciation for one another during this passage from dark to light, we can be made aware, if we stop long enough to notice, that we are more alike than different. Numerous religions, nations, indigenous cultures and popular culture celebrate light with a wide variety of rituals and traditions. We can enter into our own celebrations, whatever our traditions may be, with the awareness that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent with one another and our environment. We can begin to explore the many other ways we are connected to one another regardless of how different we feel or seem at times.

Question for our Family Dinner: How have the ways in which we connect changed this year? What connections have been nourishing and satisfying that we want to keep or promote more of? What connecting have we left behind that we do not miss? What are ways that we are connected to people from places far from us in the world? What are the ways we are connected to people who are different from us or challenge us in our own community? If there have been disagreements among family and friends, how do we remain connected to those individuals?

Theme: Relationship of Light and Dark
Darkness has long been a symbol for emotional turmoil, sickness and violence in the world. The darkness seems to hold fear and danger but with the light of day, the perspective changes dramatically to one of hope and possibility. Moving from short, gray days to lighter, brighter days can help remind us that there is always another chance to make a better decision. There’s always an opportunity to be who we really aspire to being. Our actions can reflect our deepest values.

Question for our Family Dinner: Is there sadness, fear, disappointment or other darkness you want to leave behind? How can you let it go and begin again? What hopes do you have for the new year?

Theme: Gratefulness for the Natural World
It is humbling to step back and watch the changing of the seasons unfold. In ancient times, people feared that the lack of light would continue. They worried that if they did not revere the Sun God, it may move further away from their days. Take this moment in time to appreciate the sun, the moon, the trees, the birds and all of the natural world around us that profoundly influences all of our lives.

Question for our Family Dinner: What aspects of nature influence you regularly? What do you appreciate about the environment you encounter each day? How can you become more aware of the changes in nature around you? Have you gained more appreciation or a new view of the natural world during the pandemic?

Our family will be lighting a fire and sitting by it, noticing its brilliant light and feeling its warmth. As I toss my ceremonial evergreen bough on the fire, I’ll be considering what judgement stories I need to send into the fire with the bough. How can I place those kernels of anger, fear and disappointment into the flames to help myself truly let them go? There is a silent calm that comes over me when I light a candle or watch the flames rise in our fireplace. That calm gives me the space to reflect on the meaning of this time of year and connects me to the many individuals and cultures today and of generations past that have recognized this passage. May you find ways to let go of your outdated stories during this emergence from dark to light. May you allow it to transform you and create a bigger, wider space for compassion that can emerge from you fueled by more light in future days.

Adapted from an original post on December 14, 2014.

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Nikkya Hargrove

The holidays can be tough for all of us for many different reasons. For some of us, it involves the emotional roller coaster ride of buying family and friend gifts, teacher gifts, and shuffling from school events to work events, and so forth. And then there are the added financial burdens just to name a few. There is a way to replenish our tank when it feels like we are no longer running on the fumes of joy during the holiday season – volunteering. Giving back during the holidays is one of the most renewing activities a person can do, especially with one’s family. While the pandemic certainly threw us all in a tailspin, realizing we could go out and help others is exactly what my family and I chose to do around the holidays. While volunteering is and should be a yearlong endeavor, it is so special to interact with people, spreading a little extra joy during the holiday season.

From discussion to action, volunteering helps support social and emotional learning and well-being for those serving and for those receiving. Who doesn’t want to know that someone cares? For me, that is what volunteering, both indirect and direct, is all about. Have you tried sitting and writing a note of gratitude to someone you don’t know and leaving it in a high traffic area for a random person to pick up? And let’s go one step further. Can you imagine being the one to receive the note, a simple “Have a good day” or “You are amazing”! We know words matter and mean so much.

Two Thanksgivings ago, my family and I decided to help the homeless in our neighboring communities. We went shopping for hygiene supplies, headed to McDonald’s to purchase $5 gift cards, and with the items we’d purposefully collected, we packed each backpack with love and care. While in the store, we talked about which items a homeless person could use. We talked about what being homeless meant, especially during the winter months. We talked about the why of volunteering and why we decided to help this particular community building our children’s empathetic thinking. Once we finished packing the bags, we went to the intentional communities our local homeless population made. My son and wife went into their makeshift homes. We spoke to them about what their other needs were. They left and were waved on their way by grateful humans who were touched that someone took the time to care about their needs and wanted nothing in return.

Volunteering is an opportunity to increase one’s social awareness about issues that need more attention, like homelessness and poverty.

Volunteering builds one’s capacity to communicate effectively. Communication is key.

My family and I had a job that day. We needed to work together towards our common goal – building our collaboration skills. Our first goal was to shop for the items. Then we needed to communicate effectively to one another to understand what was going into the bags. From parents to kids, there was a job for everyone. Everyone had a purpose along the way.

Once we were in the car, traveling towards the predetermined locations, everyone also had a job: to look out for any homeless person – someone holding a sign asking for help. And they did. When they saw someone, I, as the resident driver, would head in that person’s direction. My twin daughters were responsible for handing out the McDonalds gift cards to each person. I knew we’d chosen the right activity for our family that Thanksgiving when the kids argued over who would give out the final gift card.

And it didn’t stop there. The kids learned how incredibly grateful they were for their warm car, their full bellies, and the opportunity to be with their family members – people who loved them and supported them. As we all reflected on the experience that evening, we recognized another important part about our day, everyone we met wanted to be heard and seen. The act of volunteering does exactly that for all.

Nikkya Hargrove is an alum of Bard College and a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is forthcoming from Algonquin Books. She lives in Connecticut with her one son and two daughters and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy. Learn more at https://www.nikkyamhargrove.com.

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Yes, the magic of the season is in the air. For me, that means Christmas coffee is brewing, the seasonal tunes are harmonically humming, and the twinkle lights are being hung with care. And with it, the speed of life is picking up from a steady fall of snowflakes to a blinding sideways torrent. You know what I’m talking about. Work deadlines and school papers, volunteering and purchasing gifts, managing relatives’ expectations, decorating and plugging into or pulling off holiday traditions. All of this and the hope that under the weight of the wind and flakes, we’ll wear a smile and bring a calm, jovial attitude to it all.

Enter the first grader. She’s so excited about anticipating the gifts, and the break ahead and the gifts that she can barely sleep at night (not to mention that her pockets are filled with empty candy wrappers from advent calendars, school staff and that kind bank teller). She saves up and uses every ounce of her best self-management skills with her teacher who she doesn’t want to disappoint. But loses it in a swirl of tears and sobs when she comes home hungry, tired and beaten by the storm.

Enter the sixth grader. He is concerned with his friends. And they’ve all checked out with school work. How can you possibly concentrate in class or study for Spanish when there are new video games to check out and play with one another online?

Enter the ninth grader. I’ll take the example of my son for this one. Thanksgiving break was enough to shift his focus fully to his passions and away from the hard work of school that is expected before the next long break. We noticed he could not get up in the morning this week. And we noticed our nagging quotient rising as it became more and more difficult to get him moving.

In schools, when there is not a social and emotional learning curriculum present, that learning still takes place but can be referred to as the hidden curriculum since the modeling of reacting to feelings and engaging in social interactions still occurs and children still learn from it – whether we like it or not. So too, we have a hidden social and emotional narrative operating during the holidays. When our impatience shows or we feel overwhelmed, we are likely burying any number of challenging emotions we just don’t feel we have time for.

John Lennon croons on the radio, “another year over” and he presses, “and what have you done?” We are coming to the end of another year and perhaps, reflections on that year are making our way into our heads as we busy about our days. And as we pull out our beloved decorations like the reindeer cut-outs produced by the small hands of our former kindergartner that hang on the banister, we may feel the sting of nostalgia and the sadness and loss of the hands that are not so small anymore. We may pull out ornaments from loved ones who are no longer with us and even, those who left us in the past year.

Brene Brown, the bestselling author and researcher, likes to say that when we wall off one emotion, we wall them all off. Can’t take the sadness? Then, you don’t get to experience the joy either. It’s just how we are wired. The media is so concerned with the phenomena of FOMO (the fear of missing out) but what about FOF (the fear of feelings)? It may be more palpable during this season. We might all take a fresh breath in the new year but in the meantime, why take the chance that we can allow this snowstorm of feeling to take us over and snap – saying something we regret to someone we love?

What can we do? And how can we help our children and teens too? Here are some ideas.

1. Create a daily ritual.

What small – and I truly mean small (cause if it’s not, we won’t do it, right?) – practice can you do daily that will renew you? Deep breathing, listening to a calming piece of music, or lighting a candle and noticing the scent can all be restorative. Maybe you take time out for an afternoon cup of tea?

And how can you help create a daily calming ritual for your child or teen? Perhaps think together about what best helps restore your son or daughter. Create a list and post it so they have a selection of options they can go to when they need some calm. Check out this example!

2. Feel the feelings.

Sometimes the moment at hand is not the moment for your big feelings. And so there are important reasons we table our emotions and use our self-management skills to cope, distract and reframe. But if we continue to suppress big feelings, they will emerge louder and stronger and we’ll feel that blinding snowstorm beating us down, like it or not. That’s biologically how our feelings gain our attention. So carve out a space for journaling and writing down what you are experiencing. You might consider: what are the many or possibly mixed emotions you are feeling? Where are they coming from? How can you let them in so that you can feel through them to the other side? Because some – like sadness – can feel so uncomfortable that we feel as if they’ll last forever but no snowstorm ever lasted forever. They are temporary. That reminder can help us be brave and accept our walk through the storm.

For your children and teens, sit down and take the time to reflect with them if they are “off.” Pinpoint together what’s going on. Name the feelings. For younger children, use emojis, draw pictures or use a feelings list to help them express what’s going on inside. Just the simple act of identifying frustrations together can help remove some of the intensity as they feel heard and understood.

3. Make a plan for the really big storms.

If we believe that our own or our children’s feelings storms will not come, we are simply kidding ourselves. We know they will. It’s only human. So plan for those moments. And check out the following simple tools to help you plan ahead.

For tweens, teens and adults, check out the Family Emotional Safety Plan, a one-page printable that will help you decide what you will do when you get really upset and need to calm down.

For younger children, I love teaching them self-management skills by proactively creating a safe base that is ready and equipped for them to self-select to calm down and feel better. Learn more about how to do that here.

Perhaps the most comforting notion is that the blinding part of the snowstorm passes – just as emotions do – and sometimes quickly in the scheme of things. And what’s left is the beauty and magic of a blanket of pure white snow that we can appreciate and enjoy with our loved ones. Wishing you that enjoyment this season!

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