Save Your Marriage by Restoring the Man: Recent Episodes
Arturo Henriquez
The Save Your Marriage by Restoring the Man podcast is a show that helps men restore their marriages by restoring themselves. Simply put, men are underserved when it comes to the need for marital guidance, especially when facing separation, divorce and/or affairs. The pressure, expectations, and ‘noise’ that is around us at all times often takes priority over our marriage and we soon find ourselves lost with the threat of divorce looming over our heads. This podcast is men with troubled marriages.. Our belief is, If You Restore the Man, You Will Restore the Marriage!
“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions. But is it true? Is there an issue of compatibility?
People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine. People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages. People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.
There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter. I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/optinw/
Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!
That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.
Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?
Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?
Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.
Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!
And save their marriage, they do!
The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”
The choice between the two? All yours.
www.fortifiedspouse.comoptinw
It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.
We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.
Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.
Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin
The label “Narcissist” gets thrown around far too often without really understanding what narcissism is.
Society has trained us to believe that narcissism is a character or emotional trait, just like depression is. And in both cases society is wrong. These are both mental disorders that need to be diagnosed by a trained specialist.
Yet we continue to label our spouses as narcissistic when in fact they are from it. They may have behaviors that can be seen in people that have been diagnosed with narcissistic disorder. But that does not make them narcissistic.
Let’s talk about this…
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin
There are many moving pieces to saving a marriage. And there are many tools you will need, perspectives you need to change, and emotional work you need to do to have this be the outcome.
But it is always the day-to-day, small little things that create the biggest source of connection in any relationship and certainly in a marriage.
In this episode we talk about 2 things you can do today and every day to re-ignite that connection with your spouse...
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin
In this episdoe I show you how to move with your spouse from "Me to We," even if your spouse is having an affair and/or being obstinate. You'll learn to reconnect and find love again.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin
Trust is a prerequisite that must be in place before you can rebuild connection with your spouse.
In today's episode, we're going to talk more in-depth about what exactly trust means in a relationship and what elements of trust may be missing or damaged in YOUR relationship.
Then, we'll talk about three unconventional - but powerful - ways you can look to rebuild trust with your spouse, even when things are distant and even when they are adamant about not coming back to the marriage.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?
Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.
Blame has one single outcome — STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).
Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change.
And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.)
Let’s break the addiction to blame.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
Slowly, slowly… you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!
Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow. You can feel it!
But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections.
Until…
Maybe it was something small…
Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…
And BOOM! You blow up!
You use a tone you wish you hadn’t. You say things you wish you hadn’t. You do things you wish you hadn’t.
BLOW UP!
… and then it passes.
But the damage is done.
Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.
So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
I’ve seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once.
A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart.
You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn’t. I’ve seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing.
Maybe you hit the Pause Button… and didn’t know how dangerous that can be!
Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues… the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.
But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly… until one person finally “can’t do it anymore.” And then, the crisis is deep. Deeper than you knew.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
I remember saying to a couple, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!”
They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing. Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.” I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage.
And they weren’t alone. They AREN’T alone! Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!
That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.
Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.
With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse. And if your spouse wins, you lose.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return. You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.
Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.
But I want to challenge you: are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?
If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”
That is a recipe for hurt and pain.
Love is a gift. And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.
Love is a gift, not a transaction.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
There is a war going on. It isn’t between you and your spouse.
It is right between your ears! Your brain is at war with itself.
Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.
And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!
Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you. Each has a different desire, a different need. And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each. And until you learn to listen to each one.www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
James and his wife had been struggling for years. Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.
While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them. James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”
He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage. But he didn’t know what to do. He was stuck.
Tina’s husband just left one day. They had not been fighting. Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.
On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything. I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.” And he was gone.
Tina was devastated. What had she done? Why had she been abandoned? Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce. But I didn’t do this. Why should I have to do anything?”
Pain and hurt. We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us. That’s a part of life.
But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck. Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt. In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
“Jack” was dancing around my office: pacing, sitting, jumping up, sitting down, pacing. . . .
Jack’s wife just revealed that she did not want to stay married. 22 years of marriage. Gone. Jack was in panic mode.
“What do I do?”, he repeatedly asked.
To be honest, Jack had already done a number of things I would have advised against. He was already behind the proverbial “eight ball.”
Jack’s determination was actually getting him into worse trouble. His efforts were in the wrong direction, confusing, and only leading to more anger.
So, Jack asked me where he should start.
I knew what Jack wanted. He wanted what we all want: a shortcut, an easy technique, a secret “ninja move” that would turn things around.
But as is true with most things in life, it is a bit more complicated than that.
“Jack,” I said, “take a deep breath. Sit back and listen.” Jack struggled with that, but he did it. Until I told him that something else had to change first: his mindset.
In fact, Jack and I discussed 5 ways his mindset had to shift. I share those 5 areas with you on this podcast. I tell you what needs to shift, and how it needs to shift.
Do you find yourself chasing after your spouse? Do you keep wondering why your spouse is so cool, distant, aloof, and emotionally unavailable?
You may be pursuing your spouse, and in unhealthy ways. In fact, your spouse may be running away faster and faster, because your spouse is feeling the pursuit.
Why does this happen? Is it you? Is it your spouse?
Perhaps it is each of you, and perhaps it is both of you together.
Either way, the outcome is rarely positive. You may feel abandoned and your spouse may feel suffocated.
If you are just noticing the tendency to chase after your spouse, it is time to change it, before more harm is done. And if you are working to save your marriage, it is even more important to manage the emotions and the desire to chase.
Learn why this dynamic happens, and what to do to stop it.
www.fortifiedspouse.com
You have arrived at that point. You know you are not doing all you can and being all you can be. It is time for a change.
Perhaps with hat in hand, you sit down with your spouse and let your spouse know, in your most sincere and concerned voice, that you know you have fallen short. You know you can do better. . . and you promise to change.
What you expected was a spouse who is supportive and hopeful, smiling at you, and proud of your efforts.
What you get, instead, is anger and frustration. Maybe it is the silent treatment. Or maybe it is yelling. Through clenched teeth, you may hear your spouse say, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.” Or maybe, “We’ll just see about that.”
Why?
You feel shot down. Maybe hopeless. That did not play out the way you thought it would.
Why?
Don’t blame your spouse. Choose to fix it. Choose to make the change.
www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw
It can be habit. You see that look or hear a comment, you hear a raised voice or see something that makes you wonder. And you react.
And your reaction only causes further problems.
Reactions are “knee-jerk.” They are rarely thought-out, and almost always counter-productive.
And the next time, it happens again.
You are stuck in “Reactive Soup,” as I call it.
While the behavior is understandable, it is not likely to be getting you anywhere you want to be. It is likely NOT helping your relationship. And it probably leaves you frustrated with yourself (unless you are still stuck blaming your spouse).
Oh, sure, you could rationalize why this isn’t your fault and why it isn’t your problem.
But it is.
Only you can make a change. Your reactions are not getting you where you want to get, so let’s get them changed.
Listen below to learn why you react, and how to stop.
I get asked that question all the time: “Is It Time Just Give Up?”
Almost always, it is NOT time to throw in the towel — unless, of course, you decide to.
That term, “throw in the towel,” comes from boxing. The boxer (or his corner guy) could throw a towel into the ring and admit defeat.
First, please remember that your spouse is not your sparring partner or opponent. Your spouse’s belief that the marriage can’t go on, that is your opponent.
Second, realize that in the “full contact” of saving a marriage, you can feel hurt and frustrated. You can feel that you have hit a wall. But that isn’t the reasons you should throw in the towel (unless, of course, you choose to do so).
Winston Churchill famously said, “Never, never, never, never give up.” (Actually, he said, “Never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”)
There are times, though, when you do need to walk away, give up, throw in the towel. In this podcast, I give you the times to do that, as well as the times you may choose to NOT throw in the towel.
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.
I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”
And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still trying.
More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to. It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.
And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion.
Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page.
There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try.”
Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour. I am pretty clear that I am either writing or I am not. If I am putting words on paper, regardless of whether they are good or not… I am writing. If I distract myself with social media or some article… I am not writing.
It is not a matter of trying. I am doing or not.
Many times, “trying” is a cop-out. It is a lack of action, claimed to be “about to act.” But we can do something… and if we aren’t, we are not doing it. Doing it successfully is only determined by the outcome. And the outcome only comes from the action. Not acting pretty much guarantees not getting the desired outcome. (It is true that acting does not guarantee the desired outcome… but it is far more likely than not acting.)
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)
You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before!
Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your information. That is the starting point, right? And as they say, “Knowledge is power.” Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth. False information.
Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.
I need to let you in on a little secret: just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you! We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.
But think about it for a moment. Look up some political topic. People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other. And some are just plain wrong.
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
“What can I expect from my spouse?” That was the lead question. Because over and over, her expectations had not been met.
“Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage.”
“Which expectations?”, she asked.
I noted, “Any.”
But shouldn’t you have expectations? Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse?
Let me ask you question: How’s that going so far?
Some expectations are explicit. Others are implicit. Some are internal. Others are external.
And generally, expectations fail.
That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?” I noted that she just changed to another expectation. But still, it was an expectation. And expectations cause problems. Negative or positive. They still cause problems.
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
There comes a time in lots of struggles in marriage where a spouse will say, “I don't love you, I will never love you again, I've never loved you, there's no way this marriage can recover, there's no way this will work out, we are finished” or some variation of this. There is a 7 parts strategy on how to deal with any of these and recover your wife and save your marriage.
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
Let’s turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.
If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship. It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting
Let’s be clear: really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments. You can’t actually do the healing. You can only help.
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end? Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”?
I have heard this reason given over and over. It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy.
The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy. But that isn’t even the goal!
(Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable! But make them happy? Nope. Not possible. Ever.)
What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”? And what do you do? How do you respond?
Join the Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/209881417793812
Join the Fortified Spouse Program: https://fortifiedspouse.com/workshop/
It may not be on purpose. But many couples commit relationship murder. They kill their relationship by accident.
So far, I have NEVER had someone tell me they intentionally set out to slay the marriage. But the result is the same. Voluntary or involuntary, the killing of the relationship is the same.
Let me just warn you that these relationship killers sneak in. And that is why they are so dangerous. You may not even see them coming. And you may not see the results. . . until later.
The good news: there are also some things that nurture a relationship. (It isn’t ALL bad news!)
Let me share the nurturer’s too!
First, we want to be clear about what to avoid. But next, we want to be clear on what to pursue. How to nurture the relationship.
Yep. Just break your agreements. All of them.
No, not your agreement to take out the trashcan, clean the house, bring home the paycheck, pick up the kids, or some other agreement you have WITH your spouse.
Break your agreements you have ABOUT your spouse.
Your agreements are your beliefs you have “agreed” with yourself about. They are beliefs you have, and remind yourself of, that you have of your spouse.
Perhaps you believe that your spouse is controlling or angry or distant or cold (even frigid) or rejecting or. . . any other belief you have.
You “agree” with yourself about these beliefs. Without really finding proof or evidence, you decide that these beliefs are true, just by agreeing with yourself.
BREAK those agreements! They do not serve you or your relationship.
Listen below to learn more.
Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere.
I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything.
Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.
Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”
Learn why “doing anything” is dangerous, and the 5 steps to assessing everything you see. You CAN create a plan that works, with an approach that fits, when you know how to assess the information.
We’ve all felt that feeling of desperation. Everything seems to be closing in. Life seems to be flying along, out of control, dragging you with it. You feel breathless, anxious, out of control, fearful, and desperate.
Whenever there is a crisis, desperation tends to be the default setting for humans. It is just the way we are wired. Not particularly helpful, but it is pretty much the default state.
Unfortunately, desperation often has the opposite effect than the one you want. It pushes what you want further away.
Think about times when someone is desperate to “meet someone,” or “get a job,” or “make a sale.” Watch as people flee from them, almost as if the person is repelling them.
Fortunately, there is another mode: aspiration. It is far more attractive, far more healthy, and feels far better. But you have to choose to make the switch. Desperation is default. Aspiration is by choice.
Care to know how to make that switch? Listen to this week’s podcast, as I talk you through the switch
We tend to love the “new.” A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever. It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities. But the newness tends to fade fast. Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year.
Take that car, for example. If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something. That first stain or damage takes out it out of “new.” Oh, sure, you keep the car. But it loses a little of the allure.
Unfortunately, the same is often true with relationships. A new relationship, without all the history, the hurts and laughs, can seem to be the easiest way. But it never has the same depth, the same “soul.”
I have this scar on my leg that reminds me of that huge wipeout on a skateboard when I was 13. I still remember the pain (I don’t remember the actual accident, thanks to cracking my head on a cinderblock). But I also remember the epic run that led to the accident. That scar tells me a story (and certainly didn’t keep me from skateboarding!).
Relationships are like that. We find strength from the struggles. We find comfort from the joys. Together, they can knit a powerful relationship. But too often, we just get mired down in the pains, ready to walk away.
We have to find some way to hold onto the relationship, but release the pains.
One way is to see each day as a new beginning, a new chance. Not just to keep making the same old mistakes, but to create something amazing.
So, why isn’t each day a new beginning? Because we stay trapped to the past. We don’t move forward in new and better ways. We end up reliving the same day, over and over.
We have a chance to embrace each day as a new opportunity, for ourselves and for our relationship. In today’s episode, I tell you the 6 steps to take, in order to make each day a new way.
A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.
But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.
Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”
Fill in the blank with:
· “I didn’t know what to do.”
· “I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
· “I was afraid to do anything.”
· “I was afraid I would make it worse.”
· “I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”
Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?
Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)
Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.
Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.
The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!
Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.
Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.
Unless you decide to change the dance.
Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.
And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.
Tired of the dance you are in?
Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”
Desperation. It is never a good guide. Desperation leads you down any and every approach. And in the process, you get nowhere.
I know, because I have seen it happen. Someone will say to me, “I’ll try anything to save my marriage.” And they try everything.
Book after book, resource after resource, and unfortunately, trick after trick. They leave themselves exhausted and their spouse confused.
Doing “anything” often ends up being “everything,” which ends up doing “nothing.”
What a difference, though, when someone finds an approach that agrees with their ethics and worldview, from someone who is qualified to help, that matches their situation, and passes the “smell and taste test,” as well as the “mirror test.”
The marriage has a chance. The relationship can get some traction.
A fight. An affair. An indiscretion. An argument. Some event.
Suddenly, someone announces “this is over.”
You may point to that event, the moment when things seemed to turn upside down.
But that event was just that: an event. It was a “tipping point.” Almost always, there was a long, slow climb to the top before you “tipped over” the summit. The straw was being piled on, before that “last straw” broke the camel’s back.
Unfortunately, people tend to get focused on that single event, pointing to the symptom. Not the problem.
And that makes efforts ineffective. You are aiming at the wrong target. Deal with the problem — not the symptom — if you want to make progress.
It matters. Your efforts to save your marriage. They matter. Your desire to work things through, to find a better way for your relationship. It matters. When you are in the midst of the struggle, it can feel horrible. You can get frustrated and discouraged, forget the reasons why you are doing it, and be ready to throw your hands up in the air in defeat. Before you do that, let me tell you: What you are doing, IT MATTERS! Every single day, I watch as people fight through the hurt and pain, the emotions and discouragement, to keep on working on a hurting relationship. I am in awe of that effort. It is truly courageous. We live in a world of “disposables.” People easily discard anything. Including marriages. They fail to see the hurt, the harm that is caused by pushing it aside. They think they are taking the better, easier way. Instead, they are buying into the disposable culture — only to see the destruction in hindsight. But you. You have chosen to stand up to that and say, “I want to save this.” It won’t be easy, but it is noble.
Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, “why am I even arguing over this? It doesn’t matter”? I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others. It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives. They are not the big things, but the small things. And that is the tragic part: many marriages die from a thousand nicks. It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things. In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things. Which raises the question: WHY do we have these arguments? Why do we bicker? And then, the second question: HOW do we change this pattern?
There are 5 very typical, and destructive, problems in many marriages.
And yes, these are the problems that MANY people report. Yes, they are painful and hurtful.
BUT, they are not really the problems. They are the symptoms of the problem.
Let’s discuss how you can USE the symptomatic problems to move toward healing the REAL problem.
If you don’t deal with the underlying issue, you will be struggling with problems reemerging under a different guise, but still the same issue.
Ready to learn about the problems — and what the REAL problem is?
Have you ever noticed how often we want an easy answer?
Sometimes, people ask for my help, and I start giving some guidelines. It turns out they didn’t want that. They tell me, “No, can you just give me a couple of tips?”
I can give tips on how to boil an egg better, how to keep your charging cord from shredding, and even a tip on a simple exercise routine. But a “tip” or hint that will save a marriage? Not likely.
But if you look around, you will see plenty of these tips and hints. Simple things that promise to save your marriage. Tricks, really. Like, say, Reverse Psychology.
We love those tricks. Why? Because then, we don’t really have to change anything. We don’t have to look at the REAL issues. We don’t have to fix the underlying problems. Wed don’t have to really change. We just, well, “trick” someone.
Except for one thing: it doesn’t work.
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.
These are patterns of interaction and communication.
The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation of how things should be. But somewhere is a false belief.
And that false belief — along with the effort to fulfill that belief — is what leads to the (destructive) game.
Are you playing one of these games?
Is your marriage on life support? You keep watching as the life slowly leaks away from your relationship. Maybe you feel powerless to turn it around. But is it too late? When a marriage gets into trouble, there are 4 distinct levels to the crisis. Here are the 4 levels: 1) Marriage Issues: This comes along early in the relationship, when the fundamentals aren’t addressed. Beliefs and expectations keep tripping up the couple. 2) Marriage Problems: Issues aren’t solved. So, now there is hurt. Then fundamentals were never solved, and issues were never solved. This leads to the hurt. 3) Marriage Crisis: The hurt from unresolved problems has led to anger and resentment. Both are feeling less motivated to do anything. Both resort to finger-pointing and blame. 4) Marriage Disaster: One or both have given up, and apathy is replacing the anger. Blame is the predominate interaction. Sometimes, people believe that things are improving, but they are really falling into disaster. Learn the 3 reasons for this, along with what to do at each level in this week’s podcast below.
Over and over, I see the same two Approaches or “modes” killing marriages — all without intention or maliciousness.
The hurt and pain often lead to anger and resentment down the road. But it simply starts in innocence. Most people don’t even know they are operating in these modes.
The first mode is “Pause-Mode,” thinking that you can hit pause while life moves forward. Parenting and career often are reasons to hit the pause button. But there is no Pause Button in marriage.
The second mode is “Me-Mode.” In marriage, you are building a WE. But if you don’t know that, and don’t know what that is, you are likely to get caught in Me-Mode, to the detriment of the marriage.
Both modes develop innocently. And either mode is capable of taking down a marriage. Don’t fall prey to these two modes.
It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).
Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.
Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly — negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.
Is there another alternative?
You bet there is!
This episode will cover four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don’t catch it yourself.
While some people have certain advantages that others don’t, it doesn’t come down to resources. The truth? You are responsible for your reality, so stop blaming anything else but yourself. Your current reality is a byproduct of what you’ve grown to accept in your life today. So a mere desire to improve your life doesn’t cut it. If you’re serious about making a change, stop accepting less and level up your standards. By following these three simple steps today to “raise your necessity”, you’ll realize how fully in control you are of your life. Once you realize this distinction between feeling and doing, you will truly understand the sacrifices necessary for making the changes you’ve always wanted
We as humans are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us.
Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks?
In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up. Is it easy? Nope. Is it important?
Yep. So, let’s talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis.
Many marriages are ruined by 2 people, each wanting to put their fair share into it. “You put in your half, and I put in my half,” seems to be the thought. Sounds good. Fair. Equal. And destined for disaster.
The problem is it doesn’t take long for one or both to say, “You aren’t putting in your ‘fair share.'” Which is quickly followed with, “So, neither will I.”
This is The Accounting Marriage and it is destined for problems.
We often don’t notice what a spouse is putting in (and tend to exaggerate what we are putting in). So we are balancing against fiction.
And really we should always be putting in 100%.
When thehits the fan, how will you react? Will you allow your emotions to rule you, or will you make a conscious choice to respond with dignity and respect? We don’t choose what happens in life, but we are fully in control of how we react to it. In this new episode, we talk about how your interpretation of a situation holds massive weight and lays out the steps to figuring out what you can control, becoming a true leader, and feeling more confident than you ever thought possible. “I don’t have control over her loving me. What I have control over is the kind of man I become that makes her want to fall back in love with me.”
It is natural for us to conjure up the past all the time. It is natural. The good and the bad.
We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.
When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.
If you are wondering why your wife can’t remember the happier times, can’t remember the passion, can’t remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.
“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions. But is it true? Is there an issue of compatibility?
People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine. People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages. People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.
There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter. I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.
Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?” One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).
It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.
That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.
Don’t let the question trip you up. Understand what’s behind it. And listen to my answer to the question.
For most men, “short-cuts” are the reason why they are in a Marriage crisis. Short Cuts are nothing more than tricks in disguise.
And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the “trick.” Those “tricks” are all the things on the internet about “hypnosis,” “reverse psychology,” “spells,” or any of those other manipulations.
You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the “short-cuts” that are really just tricks.
No matter how determined you may be to change your life or marriage, it only takes hesitation and a lack of ownership to halt any progress. In the end, YOU are your biggest hindrance to your growth.
In this new episode, Arturo lays out the BIG difference between men who live in the past versus work toward the future, how to see your future as an investment and not just “buying change”, and what women are looking for in a TRULY empowered leader. Once you’re finally out of your own way, NO one can stop you!
I have watched from the sidelines as people work to save their marriage. And it strikes me that there are three secrets people who save their marriage learn and master. If you don’t know these secrets, you need to. What are those 3 secrets? 1. They know the difference between Symptoms and Cause. 2. They know their spouse is not the enemy. (You may think you know this, too. But you may be acting the opposite.) 3. They know they need a plan. (Not just a thought, or an idea, but a plan.) If you don’t know these secrets, you need to learn them.
Let’s turn to dealing with your spouse’s resentments. Resentment comes from anger, unresolved. Anger comes from hurt, unresolved and unaddressed. Which leads us back to helping your spouse find healing — tracking back to anger, but really back to hurt.
If you want to reconnect, start with dealing with resentments. Otherwise, the hurt/anger/resentment continues to poison the relationship. It is the systemic infection that keeps the marriage hurting
Let’s be clear: really, this is about helping your spouse to heal resentments. You can’t actually do the healing. You can only help.
The conversation starts innocently enough. Someone wants help saving a marriage. They tell me about the disconnection haunting the relationship. They tell me about the hurts and struggles. They tell me they are desperate to turn things around. And then they say it. “How do I get my spouse to. . .” “How do I make my spouse to. . . ” “How do I cause my spouse to. . . .” They say these things in innocence, really wanting to get things to a better place. They want to make the marriage work. They hope to cause a shift in the relationship. But they are aiming it at their spouse. Herein lies the problem. It is about somehow getting, making, or causing a spouse to make a shift — maybe only as far as getting a spouse to think the marriage could be saved. And doomed for failure. Why? Because just behind all three words lurks the same thing: manipulation or coercion. Don’t fall into this trap.
Do you find yourself fighting and fighting, but never making progress? Maybe you even look back and make the painful discovery: you are just repeating the same argument.
If so, you aren’t using conflict to get anywhere. You are just trying to win. Conflict is better used when it moves you toward progress. It can serve to solve. Or it can serve to wound.
Unfortunately, if a couple can’t make the shift, the wounds and hurts add up. Until one or the other (or both) call it quits. They give up, tired of the conflict. Some leave. Others stay, but refuse to communicate. Either way, the connection suffers.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Conflict can serve to move you toward a better relationship. But only when you use it to solve.
To live is to constantly grow and improve, but if you’re blaming anyone else but yourself, you’re not growing. Looking at yourself honestly and taking accountability can be incredibly painful, but it IS necessary in your growth as a man. Most of us have wounds, but touting them as trophies isn’t how they heal; they heal when you go to surgery. In this new episode, I lay out the fundamentals of why men are so stubborn about seeking help, three actionable steps to help you EARN back control, and the ONE question that will reveal the mountain. Remember: YOU have to climb it.
When the temptation to “fix” a situation fires up in you, STOP. Most men are hard-wired to react to problems with a solution, but that “solution” is doomed from the start. In this new episode, we talk about difference between “fixers” and true leaders, highlighting why knowing your problems is much more important than “fixing” them. We cover why fixing things is such a bad approach, two simple words to help you ground yourself in stressful situations, and the real reason you want to fix everything and how to anticipate issues BEFORE any damage is done. “Men, we are good at fixing things, but your wife is NOT something that needs to be fixed. Leaders are anticipators who anticipate problems and lead from humility, whereas fixers only react to problems out of fear.”
Let’s be honest: The temptation to “fix” your wife has NOTHING to do with her, and you need to understand the key reason you react to problems instead of anticipating them. - If you want to make the switch from fixer to leader.
Like the vast majority of men that are going through a separation or divorce, you feel like your wife has all the power over you and you no longer have any semblance of control in the situation. It feels sudden – everything was going great, and then your wife seems to no longer love you, no longer trust you, or maybe she even “hates” you. At this point you may be asking yourself, “How did this happen?” and “What do I do now?”.
We are going to talk about how to eliminate the power of your wife by actually addressing the bad habits that you have been doing, without realizing it, specifically 5 ways you can eliminate the power and influence she has on you.
You need to understand how your marriage got into trouble, how your relationship got disconnected, and how your marriage slid into crisis.
Since we don’t get much help in understanding what marriage is about (much less, how to be married), it shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages DO get into trouble. The question is, when you find you are in a crisis, what do you do to get yourself and your marriage to a better place?
And so, we start with what went wrong. Discover how a marriage stalls, why it starts falling, and how it ends up in a nosedive. And the more importantly what to do about it.
You may be wondering, “Does it even matter? Should I just let this marriage go? WHY does it matter?” Let’s start with this: It matters! A lot! Why does it matter? Well, the real reason why can vary from person-to-person. It is all about finding YOUR “why”, your big reason for working on it. Here is an important hint: the BIG Why is not about fear. It is not about fearing the loss of something. It is about what saving a marriage means to you. There are 5 reasons why saving a marriage matters.
During a marriage crisis most people almost always focus on the wrong things.
And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.
There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention to make progress in your marriage crisis.
Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how. They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too. Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer.
Working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy. More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.
Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”
What do you do when you feel like giving up, like nothing you do is making a difference? Or when your spouse says you are trying too hard, or acting strange? Or when you have dragged your spouse to retreats, therapy, workshops… and at every turn, your spouse throws up a wall? What do you do to push through? I answer listener questions about how to continue in the face of failed efforts and resistant spouses. And I give you three pointers to keep moving forward… including why that “love language” may be failing in translation.
It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far. Here is the problem: Change is hard, and rarely straightforward. When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to hit 100% success. Every now and then, you are likely to fall short. You are likely to drift back into old habits, old actions, old responses. That doesn’t mean you have failed. Only that change is often a journey.
There are ways you can approach your marriage and your life, making an instant shift, that could create incredible change. IF you were to do all 3 things I suggest in my audio, I guarantee your life will radically change for the better — and so will your marriage! These shifts are simple and direct. And they mostly require you to make an internal shift. You don’t have to know any “secret language pattern,” or understand any “sneaky brainwashing tricks.”
Expectations. We all have them. Some, we agree upon. Some, we don't even know we have (or that our spouse has them). But they can play havoc on a relationship.
If you find yourself frustrated with your spouse over what he or she is not doing -- or if your spouse is frustrated with YOU over what you are not doing (and perhaps didn't know to do), you have fallen victim to expectations.
In this episode we talk about four ways that you can practically recharge your internal resources to address your relationship in a way that gives you a better perspective and gives you additional tools that you can implement even if your relationship is traversing a heavy emotional storm.
A lot of times, we find ourselves stuck, either stuck in trying to figure out how to reach out and connect with our wife or stuck in figuring out how to change ourselves. This is a matter of mindset. There are four simple little things that you can do to make it shift. To shift your mindset to a more of a growth mindset around yourself and around your relationship.
Have you noticed that and have you noticed how many good sincere loving people end up having not so great marriages. In this episode we talk about 8 reasons why this happens and also provide insights and perspectives so that bad marriages can be avoided.
Boundaries can be described as how emotionally close you let people get to you. They are also where you draw the line within a relationship. They say how much you are willing to give or take before requiring that things change. Boundaries are one of the measures of relationship health. As such, they can contribute to your relationships with your partner, children, family, and friends in positive or negative ways.
There comes a time in lots of struggles in marriage where a spouse will say, “I don't love you, I will never love you again, I've never loved you, there's no way this marriage can recover, there's no way this will work out, we are finished” or some variation of this. There is a 7 parts strategy on how to deal with any of these and recover your wife and save your marriage.
In an effort to Save our Marriage and have our wife fall in love with us again, we often make mistakes that cause the opposite affect and usually do more damage than good, mistakes that could have been avoided. One of those is telling your wife about the changes or efforts you are making. In her eyes, you communicating this is manipulation and it will repel her more. In this episode we talk about this in depth and reveal what is really going on in her mind and heart.
In this episode we are going to talk about what is really going on behind your wife’s sometimes crazy mood swings and emotional roller coaster and how you as a man should handle this but more importantly appreciate where it is coming from. Remember that I have talked about that the most important thing for any woman in the marriage or in a relationship is safety and security. Part of feeling safe for a woman is knowing that she can express herself in her feminine way without you taking it personally or getting triggered.
Understanding the differences between the feminine and masculine role is imperative for any Man to truly understand their wife. They will gain deep insight as to why she expresses herself the way she does. It will also give you clarity as to what it really means to be masculine and they are not the common definitions of what many people believe.
Bad communication is a big contributor to marriage failures. Not communicating correctly especially over time can and will lead to a deterioration in the marriage. In this episode we explore the 4 most common communication errors so that you can see if any of them apply to you in your marriage.
In this episode, I emphasize the importance of having a vision, one exercise to help you endure the pain more productively, and how to find and EMBRACE your new self that your children will admire. “The vision is determined by how far you want to take it.”. I talk about why you need to make the decision to MOVE FORWARD. Trauma affects everyone, but your response to it makes ALL the difference. I talk about how to build your own identity, with or without your wife and work on YOU.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
So even when we grow weary and tired, when there's that piece of us, it's still saying is there something more I can do? That's the spirit talking. And if you can sit down and really think about it, and realize there's not, that's an okay place to be. Sometimes it's worthwhile to realize there is nothing more that can be done, there's nothing more that you have to give, there's no more options without giving up too much of yourself. So when is it time to quit? That's a very hard one to answer. It's an individual choice, I'm going to talk a little bit about five things that you can kind of think through, are these true for me, and maybe those complicators are so great that I need to really pay attention to that.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
A big EGO and a healthy relationship do not go hand in glove. Most often, we let our pride or EGO to take over the relationship. We think that we are already smart enough to even listen to other people. We think that we are better than other people and feel we have nothing more to learn from them. When we close ourselves and stop listening to other people, we are doomed because we stop connecting with them. Nothing will kill a relationship more quickly than ego. If you decide to let EGO take the lead, it will end up pushing your partner away from you. EGO gives you a sense of superiority. This often results in you tearing the other person down and making them feel like you are so much better than them. So, eventually, it is likely to push your loved ones away from you because no one wants to be around those who constantly belittle them or make them feel inferior.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
In the beginning of your relationship your wife really respected it and admired you. She saw you as bigger than you actually were. All of that built up your confidence. It had you feeling powerful and confident that you could conquer anything. But now that she wants a divorce, a separation or does not want to be with you. She is no longer responsible for your confidence. And most men lose their confidence. They feel lost, confused and in despair. So what men need to do is build their own confidence and become reliable for building that confidence, independent of their wife and relationship. As a Fortified Spouse, we own our self-confidence. it is vital that you take full responsibility throughout your life, not only in your marriage. you should be in a high self-esteem state and confident without any doubt.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
This podcast is all about taking responsibility for your side of the failure of the marriage. A lot of men really struggle with this because they don't either want to take responsibility or they really don't understand what they did to contribute to the failure of the marriage. When we've been hurt, it's easy to look at the other person and begin to blame them for everything that's wrong with the marriage. Not only is that unhealthy, but it keeps you stuck in a limited mindset and in the past. In this episode we give you a healthy perspective so you can start the healing process in your marriage and in your own heart by taking responsibility for you.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
One of the main reasons why marriages fall apart is because people really do not understand the root causes of the failure. They believe that it is the other spouse's fault or attempt at Band-Aid solutions that never fix the marriage. They only prolong the misery and breakdown. In this episode we describe what it really takes to save a marriage. It starts with one self and understanding that a true transformation is needed.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
There are stages to restoring a marriage, especially if the marriage is at rock bottom and heading for divorce. Each stage is imperative and cannot be jumped over before truly finishing that stage. One cannot be intimate if the other spouse will not talk to them. It is that simple. Understanding these stages will take any relationship from the brink of divorce to a fully restored marriage.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/
Control is one of the most common problems in a relationship. Control can very easily demean the integrity of a spouse and make them feel invisible. Here we examine why Men are more prone to control roles, what control looks like, how it effects their wife and what they can do about eliminating this flaw from their behavior.
If you want to learn more about our program, go to www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin/