Living in between: Recent Episodes
Aida Mosier
Explore the ripple effects of being in a bicultural marriage and how can you use those to create an amazing life.
We'll talk about immigration, my culture, your culture, mindset, parenting, believes, belonging, goals and everything in between. Because we can move State and immigrate, but our culture lives in us.
If you want to learn how to reconnect with your root, embrace whole heartily who you are, acknowledge what you have lost and accept you and your family exactly as you are and how they are, this podcast if for you!
Get ready to create your own culture.
Gratitude is a brain exercise that allows us to shift our perspective of the world.
It forces us to look for the positive since our brain is wired to focus on the negative.
Gratitude helps us create bridges to shorten the distance of our differences. It brings more compassion and acceptance in our lives.
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One of the most important things you can do to find strength in duality is to learn to listen to your own voice.
This can be difficult, especially if you're used to hearing your inner critic telling you all kind of lies just to keep you safe. We create a narrative that allows us to stay safe in our world.
But it's important to remember that your inner critic is not always right. In fact, it's often just your fear talking, it is mean and diminishing.
Our inner voice is more gentle, maybe not sweet, but will always tell you what you need, even if it is not what you want.
Learning to distinguish your inner voice from your inner critic, can help you prevent unnecessary arguments, learning more about yourself and allow you to expand your world to embrace your and your partner's culture.
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We are finishing the triad of things that could harm your relationship with the inflexibility of our thoughts, which creates a vicious circle of resentment, frustration, shame and regret.
When being in a bicultural relationship, it is critical to stay opened minded, because the way we grew up, our community, our family, our culture, religion, social and financial status, have shaped the way we think. And if our partner was raised in a completely different culture, our way of thinking will be different.
Trying to be right is a survival trait a lot of us have learned to use based on our experiences. But when you are past the point of survival, being flexible, open minded to explore together with your partner your differences, can be the difference between having a struggling relationship, or even a decent relationship and having a fulfilling realtionship.
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Cultural shock#2 that could be hurting your bicultural relations is the "silence Struggle". How many of us stay quiet because we want to maintain the peace, because that is what we are supposed to do according to society.
In a relationship, we have expectations both for our partners and for us. They are both cemented in the way we were raised. How we are taught to think and behave, this is exactly how we will expect our partner to behave and how we will come behave ourselves, because we don't want to dissapoint.
But looking to not disappoint other, we end up disappointing ourselves for not speaking up, for doing things that are not important to us, but we have become used to. The silence struggle prevents us from speaking up our mind and going with the flow to keep harmony in the house, at the cost of our own personality.
Eventually this silence will cost us a lot, we start delegating decision of everyday living because we have lost that ability to go after our goals and our dreams.
What are things that you hate doing, but you do anyway because you are supposed to do?
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We all have expectations, it is normal as we live in a society which starts programming us since early childhood.
We are expected to behave in a certain matter, but what happens when you get together with someone from a different culture, who grew up following a different norm. Which expectations are completely different than yours?
Are your expectations reasonable when you take your partners cultural differences into consideration, and if they are, have you communicated them?
communication is key in any relationship, but in a bicultural relations, where expectations are completely different, it is critical talking about them. Making sure unmet expectations don't turn into resentment and frustration that can ruin then relationship
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Let's be honest, all parents worry at one point or another of our lives about ruining our kids.
It seems this never goes away, no matter if the kids are 5 or 50, we wonder if we could have done it better. But when it comes to bicultural/bilingual kids, we have one more thing to worry, will they be mock at school for having an accent, will the not fit in because our traditions are different.
It is normal that kids will eventually prefer the language they hear the most, their brain is developing and it will incline for the one they practice the most, but, most of the times, we see this as a rejection to us instead of a normal part of development.
By raising bicultural/bilingual children, we are giving our kids the gift of expansion and resilience. Knowing it is OK to be different, being weird in their own way.
Our children will create their own culture and if we allow it, they will thrive in it.
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Boundaries is an "in" word, but for a big part of the Latin community, this is a foreign word.
We were born in a culture where togetherness, community and little space is highly valued. This might explain some of the issues and cultural shocks we have when we arrive or marry someone from the USA where individualism and personal space is highly regarded.
But personal boundaries are important to feel safe. It is not about others, it is about us.
To set healthy boundaries, we need to get to know ourselves and understand what is important to us. That is the first step, then:
- Define what is important for you
- Decide on a boundary that will supports what is important
- Decide what are you willing to do if this boundary is violated
- Communicate that boundary. A secret boundary is not a boundary!
- Communicate the result of a boundary being violated
Setting boundaries will be difficult at first, specially if you have never had them, but it is worth it. They will also not be permanent, they will change and evolve as you do.
Communicate with your partner, when you set boundaries in a bicultural relationship, it is critical to keep the communication opened, your partner needs to know what is important to you and same in the reverse.
Honor yourself and your parent by setting boundaries that will reinforce your relationship.
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Have you ever wonder why you think the way you do and believe what you believe? If not, think about it for a moment.
When you were born, you had a brand new hard drive that was eventually programmed to function in the culture, country, family and environment that you were born into.
However, there are so many thing that we learned that are just not helpful. As children, we didn't have options, but as adults, it's time to ask ourselves if we still want all those beliefs.
We have embraced so much those limiting beliefs that have become part of our personality, we define ourselves with them: I'm shy, I'm loud, that's just the way I am, art is not my thing. We simply accept them as facts.
These phrases seem simple and innocent enough, but those are beliefs we have ingrained in our subconscious that sometimes prevent us moving from having a great life to an amazing one!
Our beliefs are not static, this is how we know they are learned and not facts, they change and modify with time and our life experiences.
But what if you decide to challenge your beliefs and change anything you don't want any more?
After all, beliefs are like shoes. We use them to get to a certain point and when they wear off, we change them! You might need to break them in to be comfortable in them, but you can certainly move forward to your dreams one step at a time.
What would you do if you could do anything?
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Mother's Day is always charged with a range of emotions, there is the expectation of Joy, but many people dread this day as it is a day of sorrow, mourning, and grief.
Mother's Day might represent the joy of laughter in our houses, but it also brings the painful memories of those we have lost, mothers and children all the same, and mothers to be.
The beautiful thing about creating your own culture is that you can decide what you consider a Holiday, when, and how you celebrate it. Mother's day in Mexico is May 10, while the second Sunday in the US is May. Who decides when I celebrate or if I even want to celebrate? ME! Having the power of decision over my own days provides freedom.
That freedom allows me to feel all my emotions and know there is no right or wrong way to celebrate or ignore. I decide what is right for me.
Whatever you decide, I invite you to honor yourself and your emotions. To take care of yourself and make sure you decide what you want to belive in.
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Sometimes we think that cultural differences separate us. However, using those differences to create a greater connection is possible.
In this episode, we will see how it is important to be willing to listen, learn, have an open mind, and celebrate those things that make our partners unique.
Along the way, we will be able to understand each other better and learn about their experiences and why they do what they do.
It is important to see these differences and stop taking things personally; many times, it is simply our perception that makes us angry.
And even more important, be willing to repair the damage when necessary; being honest and open will trigger a greater connection because it will show us that we can be ourselves with them.
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In a world where we are constantly pressured to be perfect, we often forget that the journey is just as important as the destination. Pursuing perfection can lead to anxiety, stress, and, ultimately, dissatisfaction with oneself.
In Today’s episode, we will explore the benefits of focusing on progress instead of perfection and how it can help us on our journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.
By embracing progress, we can learn to appreciate our journey, celebrate our successes and accept ourselves for who we really are.
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Food in the Latino culture is very important, it is not only to nourish the body, but it has history, it creates connections.
Food can build a sense of belonging, teach patience, help reduce instant gratification. The smells help in the sensory part to create memories and associations.
Through the kitchen, we can find part of our roots, of our identity. Because we eat what we eat, what relationship does it have with our ancestors?
When we manage to have connection as human beings, it is easier to be able to have emotional health.
We can change our food, but let's keep the culture of making it an essential part of family connection.
When in Rome do as the Romans... Except if you are trying to pass incognito and not be seen.
It can be scary to be the new kid, to be recognized because you are different. But it is in those differences that we find who we are, thos differences makes us unique.
When we make ourselves small to blend among everyone else, we are taking a personality that it is not ours, and eventually, we will resent it.
So celebrate that you are different, that you have amazing talents no one else does.
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Lent is a time of preparation. Religion is an essential part of our culture. We grew up doing rites that maybe we never understood the reason behind, we were just forced.
When we don't understand why we do things, it's very easy to end up resenting those rituals and not giving them the opportunity to bring greater stability to our lives.
Today we are going to see why we do the rites of Lent and how we can use them to improve our lives and apply them to any goal we have.
Knowing why we do things allows us to expand our knowledge of our culture and thus be able to decide what is important to us.
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If you don't have a mentor, it would be an honor.
This episode has been published and can be heard everywhere your podcast is available.Dealing with the in-laws is a general problem in couples, but bringing in cultural differences can become a war.
Problems with the in-laws generally arise because the couple has not managed to create their own culture and have a common ground to stand on by:
- Accepting that we married into the family
- Defining the non-negotiables of each
- Let go of things that don't
- negotiate everything else
- Put limits
- Establish and clarify the values of both
- Establish clear and open communication
- Develop our cultural intelligence - what are the things we cannot change
- Acceptance of our partner and their culture
The family member better handles conflicts, but having clear and defined boundaries with our partner is essential. The couple's relationship with THEIR family does not have to be the same as their family's relationship with me.
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They asked me not long ago what coaching is. Coaching is always having someone in your corner and your favor. Not to tell you what to do or give you advice, but to listen and give you a different perspective, to help you discover your wisdom when the noise quiets.
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Raising truly bicultural children means that they will fully embrace both cultures. They will learn not only the language but the history of both Countries that embody their identity.
So many times kids don't know their cultural heritage and end up feeling impostor syndrome as they can't identify with their cultures. Raising truly bicultural kids goes further than learning the language, is opening the world.
Knowing who the heroes and villains are, as well as history from multiple points of view expand their understanding and their ability to accept other ways of thinking.
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When parents get sick after you have immigrated, it is never easy, no matter where you are:
What happens when you are far?
- Decisions you can’t take
- Depend on others
- Have to live with the decisions others made
- wonder what would have happened if you would have been closer
- Criticized for not being there
When you live near?
- You have to make decisions that are not easy
- You won’t make everyone happy
- You will be blamed for decisions that you took
- You will criticize those who are away
There is no win situation when we look at it like this.
We all suffer, but our experience is different. We will never understand what the other person went through, but our share humanity should be enough to bring us together and have compassion for each other, including ourselves.
This is the part of empathy that we miss. Brene Brown:
We need to dispel the myth that empathy is walking in someone else’s shoes. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experience.
Having compassion will make the pain more bearable for ourselves and those involved.
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Tendemos como seres humanos a fijarnos mas en las diferencias y que en las cosas que tenemos en común. Esta es una de las principales excusas que tenemos cuando nuestra relación tiene problemas “tenemos diferencias culturales”. Es cierto que las diferencias culturales existen, pero muchas veces, esas diferencias fueron exactamente las que te llevaron a...
When we start a relationship with someone of a different culture it starts being fascinating, you are curious about all the differences and like to explore, know more. But when the time passes and you start living with those differences, it is easy to reel back into our bias, what is our domestication, what are the appropriate cultural rules we have come to expect.
When our partner starts not following the rules, we notice more our differences and those that might have brought us together, start being an annoyance. We forget that some of those differences made our lives interesting and is exactly what attracted us in the same place.
It is easier to blame cultural differences when we start having arguments, but in those moments is when we need to remember that we might have more things in common that those that we don't. It is time to embrace the differences and accept our partners for who they are.
Leaning into the things we have in common allows us accept our partners as a package, with beautiful features and some we might not enjoy as much, but we accept it because the benefits are so much more.
Immigrating and having a bicultural relationship can be challenging as we have been domesticated to accept some rules as societal truth. But breaking away from those believes and consciously establishing your own to create a perfect culture for you and your family , gives you the freedom to create joy and be yourself.
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We tend to long for the past and fantasize about the future. We find our happy place to be one that makes us feel safe and comfortable. One that either brings us memories of the past, or places that have something in common with the current place. Or we fantasize about what our future would...
Time is reative, we even have science to prove it. Einstein talks about it in the theory of relativity.
But it is not only scientificatly proben, there is a big differences on the perception of time between cultures. And this perception can create havoc on any realtionship.
The key to being able to handle the relativity of time when it is so different, is to have clear communication and find a balance that will honor both partners.
We all have stories to share about our life. But sometimes it is tinted by the filters we have created to protect us.
We experience life through our senses and the process that raw data in our mind, making sense of everything around it. This is why our life experiences are so different than other people, because we have our own lenses.
If 20 people witness a car accident, your will have 20 stories about how it happened. When we are able to separate the Facts of the Narrative we tell ourselves, we are able to start taking responsibility for our life. If I am responsible for the not so great things in my life, it means that I AM responsible for the AMAZING things in it too.
By taking responsibility of our lives, we can start moving into creating a more fulfilling life, as things will stop happening to us. When we notice our patterns and the narrative that doesn't serve us any more, we are able to change them. To learn from our mistakes and change the narrative to be something that supports the life we want to have.
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All through our lives, we lose and gain things. But from a very early age, we learn to bottle up those emotions and push forward instead of processing and properly grieving.
Immigrating can bring a lot of mixed feelings, it is exciting, terrifying, intriguing, hopeful. So many things all at once, because we are looking forward to a change, a change for the better. But, just like with anything else in life, we lose some very important things too.
We tend to look at the future (as we should) and avoid taking the time to acknowledge what we have lost or given up. We built up guilt and grief and unconsciously long for them.
Unprocessed grief will bring us very unexpected results, like irritability, remove us from our love ones, isolation, anxiety, depression.
But grieving properly our losses, allows us to accept it and move on. By grieving, we are not forgetting about the things we have lost, we honor them and accept that they have come to an end. This allows us to move forward and see the opportunities and amazing life is being presented to us in this point in time.
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So, you are married into a different culture and now you have kids. Are you going to pass on your language to them as part of your heritage?
I believe that passing on the language is critical to their identity, to knowing who they are and where they came from. But, this has to do with my life story, my bias.
What is truly important is to make a conscious decision into whether or not to pass on our language. Make a decision ahead of time, have an strategy for it and be very clear into why it is important or not to teach them your language.
Decide the why of you decision so later on, you don't regret it. There is no right or wrong, it is all a matter of perspective.
Language is intrinsic in the way we communicate with other people, how we make friends, how we interact with each other and how we relate to one another.
If language is the way we communicate and we are using our non-native language as the primary language to communicate in our relationship, there are going to be barriers that we will have to overcome in order to create open and clear communication.
The language barrier leaves us many times thinking there is something wrong with us. We make it about us, make it personal when in reality it is simply communication failing. The great thing about that is that we can get better at it.
We can bring curiosity to our conversations and start building the relationship we want.
In any relationship, healthy boundaries are important, but in bi-cultural relationships, there are not only boundaries, there are non-negotiables.
The non-negotiables are simply parts of your culture, of your essence that are too important to you to change. When we are able to consciously chose those non-negotiable in our culture and our partner's culture from a place of love, then we can go and integrate them to create a culture that fits our family perfectly.
Sometimes we simply willingly give up our identity to please our partner, but in doing that, we lose ourselves. Being intentional about what are the areas that we are willing to modify while keeping our essence, allows for both partners to flourish and thrive.
There is a lot of talk about race and how we identify with it, however, we don't talk about culture and how it is critical in the way we interact with others.
Culture is a critical part of our identity, of who we really are. But what is culture and why does it matter?
The funny thing is, that nowadays, we are all living between cultures. Maybe not in our families or our marriages, but in our places of work, our friendships, restaurants, places of workships.
Understanding what culture is allows us the flexibility to interact with each other without taking everything so personal. If our reactions are part of our culture, does that mean that the way that others react is part of their culture? Maybe, if we know that, we can find a way to coexist and thrive.
Every Year we make resolutions that normally reflect the things we are lacking, where we have fallen short. We create impossible goals which most of the time we know will not be achieve. I want to invite you this year to do something a little different, instead of looking at the things you are lacking or want in order to be happy, look at all the things that went right this year. All the things in your life that are already great and you want more of.
Use your strengths to pivot and get more of what makes your life amazing.
Immigration challenges us as we try to fit in, belong and find our place in a new environment. When on top of everything, you marry into that culture with a partner that does not speaks your language, we end up not fitting in our original culture or our partner's culture, we ended squeeze into the In-Between.
Living in between sometimes means that you lose yourself trying to please everyone and fit everywhere, but it is not until we accept ourselves fully as we are that we find true belonging.