Alliance of Hope Community Forum: Recent Episodes
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As the iPhone and smart phone slowly replaced cameras and handheld camcorders, I found myself taking less and less actual video over time to the point that video was “scripted” (I have a 2 minute clip of Nick unboxing his Christmas gift at Christmas 2024, which was his dream watch, a Casio G-Shock MTG that I surprised him with), less candid and much shorter. I did however, download all the Ring Camera footage I could from the weeks leading up to when he left me. We’d sit out front on lawn...
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Hello,
I hope that your mood is somewhat better after reading this, if getting to know me is any form of comfort.
Thus far there have been three distinct suicides from people I know that broke parts of me in unique ways.
I've always had similar thoughts even since a child but as a young adult I was blessed to learn how to deal with the emotions that would just cause more people to join this forum. When I think of my mothers or my sisters, I know that I have the strength to keep going...
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“One of the things that touches my heart so deeply as a nurse and especially as a mother is seeing the elderly call for and want their Mothers even when they are old- long after their Mamas are in Heaven. I hope my boys will continue to hold me in their thoughts. I know that even in death my spirit will never leave them. Love those boys so much!”
I never would have thought then that things would turn out the way they have. It is unfathomable that I have had three boys go before me. It’s...
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Something about the grocery store crushes me. Seeing all his favorite food and drinks and knowing he won’t enjoy them again. Knowing I won’t cook for him and make his favorite foods again. It’s all gutting. Every time I leave the store I’m a mess of anxiety. My other five kids need to eat though and I need to learn to get through it. It’s so so hard. I miss him so much. I just so want him to walk through the front door
Hi, I’m trying everything available and just hoping to feel less isolated and alone in my head. My partner was my rock and it has been very difficult trying to keep on. He was only 41 yrs old. I have so much guilt and regret that I know I shouldn’t feel, but I don’t know how to cope with it.
Hi, I lost my husband to suicide this past June, just a couple of months ago. We were together for almost 40 years, and he was not only my husband but my best friend. He was a wonderful person, and we shared so many beautiful memories and so much of our lives together.
I am completely heartbroken. I miss him terribly, and I have been struggling with loneliness and isolation, as well as an overwhelming amount of grief and guilt. Some days it all feels incredibly heavy. I’m hoping that being...
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hi there i’m not sure what to say but i’m introducing myself. i lost my dad to suicide a little over a month ago. it happened after a family mediation where my brother and i asked for him to be accountable to taking money from my brother and i without our consent. i spend a lot of time feeling like his death is my fault since i initiated the mediation in the first place, but then again he promised he’d pay us back and then did it an hour later. i still am dealing with flashbacks and guilt.
Johnny’s wife has just finished her Master’s program in education! I am so proud of her. This hasn’t been easy and she had to push herself to complete it but she hung in there and I am so proud of her. When Johnny met her she didn’t have the confidence to go to college. She didn’t think she could do it. Now look at her! He would be beyond proud. Just as I am!
Dear Rachel
After losing you so suddenly, painfully and tragically 3 ½ years ago, I never thought I’d get to a point where I feel like I do now.
I think about you, and I miss you beyond words, especially today.
But I’m ok. We’re ok.
More than anything, I am grateful for our time together.
I am eternally grateful that we married and stayed together for 35 years.
I’m grateful for our family. Our children.
Your children. My children.
And I understand/know/accept (not sure of word) that you...
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I received this in my email and it does coincide with my beliefs. My only question is what my soul thinking? I do believe that the human experience is a gift for soul growth. One day all of the emotions will be gone and the longing will end. Just my belief and hope. Please disregard if you cannot relate.
| Your earth experience.If you were living in consciousnessWithout the world Simply as the vast spirit that you are,But without the body, Without the... |
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Hey all, I am new to the forum. I lost my wife to suicide this past May. We were in couples therapy and in the beginnings of talking about divorce, but loved each other deeply and wanted to stay close in each other's lives. My wife was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a tough last few years. She had a few years where she was in psychosis, and it was really hard on our relationship. I don't blame her, psychosis was something that happened TO her, to us. Still, it made returning...
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**Hello Everyone,
We are very grateful to have received a match challenge from Sara and Al Fudge, who have been active supporters of Alliance of Hope for many years. Al composed the following message:**
"When my wife, Sara, and I lost our only child, Nathan, to suicide, our world shattered. Eleven years later, it feels like both an eternity and just yesterday. Nathan was a brilliant, loving, and kind young man, and he is deeply missed. This is a photo of all of us...
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Hi everyone,
I have been reading some of your posts and it is helping me a lot. Here is my story: May 19, 2026, my husband found our 18-year-old youngest son hanged in his bedroom.
We didn't know anything about his depression prior to that. To tell you the truth, before, whenever I heard about a adolescence suicide, I was completely sure that it just couldn't happen to us because I would surely feel something is wrong with my child because we are so close.
He was full of life, very...
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My refrigerator gave out, it's 18 years old so I have to buy a new one. Here's the problem I have to get one my son never touched. The only thing in the house my son has never touched. I'm going to have to use it everyday knowing my son never touched it. I already don't care for it. I'm going to try to get one that's similar but it's not the same. Another ending. How can I use it knowing he never did? I could put his picture on it. Loss of your child touches everything. Absolutely...
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I am a part of the equation that led up to my beloved wife's suicide. That is a simple, yet devastating fact. I know and understand intellectually that I had no control over her actions, and I still feel an overwhelming weight on my heart each time I think of her and the darkness that consumed her, due in some part to me. I drag this guilt like a massive anchor chained to me and know it will always be with me. I don't know if, or how long, I can endure this pain. I am not looking for pity. I...
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I remember hearing the term "post-traumatic growth" in the first year or so after my best friend died by suicide and feeling pressure to be at a better place than I was, to be healed, all these things that were not helpful when I was struggling with just being present to the chaos of the feelings and thoughts. The chaos of the fact that I had not and would never have chosen for my best friend dying by suicide to be a part of either of our life's stories. It was a time filled with a lot of...
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After 11 1/2 years I sold my husband's truck. I don't live there any longer.
I've been going through boxes of stuff that I've stored for 11 1/2 years. I don't live there any longer.
Photos of his with people that I don't know are being thrown away. I don't live there any longer.
Things that I held on to because they were his are being donated. I don't live there any longer.
Items that he touched are going to find new homes. I don't live there any longer.
What used to hold meaning simply...
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Hi everyone,
For some reason this week has been incredibly difficult for no particular reason. My 19 year old daughter left this world 8 months ago and the past couple days I have been practically having a mental breakdown. I cry constantly and last night was almost choking because I was hyperventilating so badly. I know grief comes in waves and can't necessarily be explained. I'm not really asking a question, I'm just reaching out to tell people who will understand. Thanks for listening.
My son, Eric, committed suicide June 21, 2026. He was 40 years old with two daughters. Needless to say, I am heartbroken and trying to understand life without him, understand his decision and not blame myself for things I could have, should have, etc. I hope to gain advise from those who are experiencing the same grief and help me navigate this journey.
About 3 weeks ago, my nephew died by suicide after struggling with mental health issues.
I am now learning more and more about his daily struggles in the last year of his life and my heart breaks daily, as I try to support my brother, sister in law, and my mom (this was her oldest grandson).
Changes are brewing. Places where I once felt comfortable and accepted I now feel are like strangers to me. Things that used to matter, don't anymore. I don't fit in certain places, they don't fit me, my shape has changed. I'm feeling restless. Like a caterpillar cocooning, to emerge a different person. My son's memory haunts me. No one remembers him. I'm convinced now he had avoidant personality disorder. I hate labels, but it does fit. He had no friends, he couldn't. He couldn't relate to...
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Almost three years after losing my sweet sister to suicide, my cousin has taken her own life. My cousin struggled with severe depression for several years and I tried to help her - aware that this could happen - while navigating the profound grief of losing my sister. But again, I was powerless to prevent it. They both knew I loved them dearly and that gives me some relief. They were both such kind, loving people - I'm devastated
I've decided my son is still alive only in a life I can't visit yet. There is a door to walk through only he won't be walking through my door I have to walk through his when my time comes. Then I'll be in his life. How I want him to be in mine. I'll have to go to his. That door only goes one way. In the meantime I'll keep his memory alive as it was here. He used to live in this life but went to another and I will see him again there some day. I'll miss him until I do. He's alive just...
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Hi everyone. This is Jo from Japan. First of all, please allow me to extend my most profound gratitude to all of you in this forum, especially those who have provided me their kind words when I introduced myself one month ago titled “Heartbroken Mom.”. You have no idea how much you help me! I can tell you that since that day, I have traced back many comments from those people who encouraged me in my post (I look into the comments they made in the past. Kind of like a “stalker”/“secret...
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The Odyssey of Loss: Personal Reflections on The Odyssey and My Grief Journey
I recently watched The Odyssey. In fact, it resonated so deeply with me that I watched it twice. As I reflected on the film and on Homer’s epic poem that inspired it, I was struck by how many of its themes parallel my own experience of loss and grief. While Odysseus’ journey is one of returning home after war, grief teaches us that, after devastating loss, there is no true return to the life we once knew.
Life Is...
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My daughter died 2 years ago. I think that I've worked really hard to grieve in a "healthy" way. (I journal, meditate, see a therapist regularly, and am a member of an in-person group and this online group.) I found that June was a really "good" month. Then, I realized why...I had completely avoided my grief. It felt really good! But I also realized that this is not the ideal way to keep growing. So, I vowed to dive back in. This morning has been rough. The hard feelings never really went...
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This may seem silly but it has made me smile this morning.
The other day I watched an Instagram video where a guy always gets his loved one’s name on his coffee order so that the barista calls it out. So I went into my Starbucks app & changed my first name to Lewis.
Today I took my daughter for coffee, I forgot I had done this & her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw her cup haha, it has given me so much joy this morning to see his name on the cup.
It’s just a small thing but...
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My beautiful son took his own life earlier this year, at 18. He was and is beloved by many, but suffered from overwhelming emotional pain and substance use to address that pain. I have some days where I feel functional and able to move forward, which scares me as much as it feels like needed relief. His internal life was in turmoil, and none of us knew it. On the same roller coaster that we all are, and very grateful to have this forum.
My teenage son took his own life earlier this year after using a variety of drugs (and concealing it well) to self-medicate for at least 2 years. His father was domineering and verbally/financially abusive, and showed signs of escalating in a way that mirrors the behavior of family annihilators. I worked hard to separate from him, and to protect our children. I believed that his abuse was limited to me, and that I absorbed it and "saved" us from the worst outcomes by becoming financially...
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I recently found out about this site and joined. I lost my 21 year old daughter to suicide and just had the one year anniversary on July 20th. She struggled for nine years with bipolar and had many suicide attempts. She was getting treatment but she still chose to end her life. I miss her and think about her all the time. The past year has been tough and I’m trying to face each day without her.
Soooo, while they were discussing how beautiful she is, she was eating their car! Or maybe these people will be proud of their car's battle scars, idk.
Does anyone believe that oneday when we enter the spirit world, that we will be reunited with our child/loved ones and can hug them and be with them again?
The Weight I Carry
There are nights
when memory becomes a courtroom,
and I am both the witness
and the one on trial.
I replay every conversation,
every laugh,
every silence I didn’t understand,
searching for the moment
that should have told me.
Surely there had to be a sign.
A shadow in your eyes.
A sentence I dismissed.
A pause that lasted too long.
Something that would have whispered,
“He’s not okay.”
Instead, I remember only a son
who hid his pain so well
that even those who loved...
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I recently lost my husband on July 10th. We had a future planned together with us scheduled to close on our first house, and a dream house for us, on July 24th. I've been dealing with all the emotions of grief while having my world flipped upside down, and yet, one word keeps resonating in my head, "Persevere."
I found my spouse Scott today and he hung himself and I’m feeling everything and just need someone who’s lost a spouse to tell me I will somehow be okay
If this doesn't align with the guidelines, I'll delete it or edit if needed.
My guardian is a firm believer of karma. She believes that suicide is murder upon one's self, and because of that the person gets punished. She never says how, but they do.
I can't make any sense of that. The person was suffering in their life. Why do they need more pain on top of that? She also claims that the act is cowardly. I don't see it as an act of bravery nor cowardice. As someone who was and is still in...
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I lost my dad to suicide yesterday. I’m feeling so many different emotions and so much unimaginable and immense grief. I have no idea how to even hold all of it. We had such a difficult relationship and he put my mom and I through so much abuse, but in his last three years of life he became such a shell of a person after we left him. I’m so devastated. I just spent a week visiting him and although things were tough they were also peaceful and there were happy moments. I don’t know why he did...
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It's been a terrible week. Apart from still having an impending inquest, and an upcoming first meeting with my solicitor/barrister, I almost lost my cat to a degenerative illness I didn't know he had. Every night, watching to see if he does the one thing (use the litter tray) that means he's not going to have to face surgeey, or worse. One of the vets was sure that he is otherwise in perfect health. No signs of cancer or organ mishaps. The other vet was defeatist, and almost seems to have...
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I feel that ever since this happened, my parrot Rocky (short for Rockeeta) has been especially demanding of my attention. She usually has food and water, but only if I'm around she'll be silent. She's also been watching me a lot too from her favorite perching place, a small hanging chandelier in the hallway. Not only that, she's been more accepting of me petting her. Rocky often likes to have her own space. She was never one to like being touched so much. I can't help but to wonder if she...
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Ross was born at 6:10 am on 5/18/1988. I went in to labor at 9 pm 5/17/1988. When I told my husband I was in labor he said I’m going to take a nap! He slept while I was having contractions (we lived an hour from the hospital and also had to wait on my mom to come stay with Johnny). As he slept, I finally started crying. He hadn’t counted my contractions. When I was crying my husband woke up. He counted my contractions and said oh sh**. He called my mom and loaded me in the Honda civic as...
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Less than 2 months ago, something I worried about for months came true. I answered the door to police at 4am telling me my brother was dead. He crashed his car straight into a cement pillar on the freeway- an image I can't get out of my head. His marriage was over, he had no job for the past year, was a compulsive liar and had addictions to gambling and drinking. But I still loved him, of course I did- he was my big brother. He refused help. He didn't want to get better no matter how hard...
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I lost my dad on Father’s Day. My mom heard the gun go off and my husband found him. My family and I are very involved in our community through sports and my dad was at every sporting event. He went out of his way to talk to everyone. He was incredibly generous and loved us all more than anything, especially his grandchildren. Anything they asked, he would do it. I can’t believe this is our lives right now. I keep thinking I’ll wake up from this nightmare. I’m so hurt for my mom, for my...
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Once, talking to Max about some musician (maybe it was Kurt Cobain or Chris Cornell) I said that I deeply sympathized with those who chose to end their life and that it is the most difficult thing to do, that one must be the strongest person ever to do it. I myself, I said, wouldn't be able to do it, ever, cause I wouldn't have guts. I was theorizing, of course. I never felt suicidal. Now I realize, this conversation could be feeding his ideation.
I usually was cautious about sensitive...
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I wrote the poem below about my dearly departed son. At the recommendation of a few friends that I met through one of the Alliance of Hope programs, I have decided to post it here. I have mixed feelings about doing this, as A) I tend to be pretty private, and B) I am fairly critical of my own work.
I'm on the spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome) and my son was the first person I ever really meaningfully connected with. I lost so much...first, when he became ill, and again when he...
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It's been 7 months. I find myself wondering if this grief magnifies other problems. It seems harder to deal with life's problems. It's like I don't have the mental strength to deal with simple things like insurance as an example. Or maybe someone telling me about their problems. I find myself unable and somewhat frozen to deal with any problem.
I’ve lost my ex / father of my child to suicide 2 years ago, we separated few months before (very respectful separation with no fighting), he took his life 2 days after I moved out / into my new house and I found him 2 days later in our old house… I wont go through the rollercoaster of emotions and trauma as most of you know exactly what I went through but here I am 2 years later with over 100 hours of therapy both solo and in groups and still there is something that fundamentally broke...
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Hi I'm new to the group and would like to meet others along where I'm at and further along for support.
I lost my spouse to suicide from depression. I had asked for a divorce and then had an accident that disabled me shortly after. We were still living together, still friends, planning to potentially get back together after he got help. He was getting treatment for depression when he passed. But, it was still a huge shock. Given the circumstances, I feel at fault for his decision though I...
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Hello....I lost my husband of 51 years 10 days ago. You all know how my heart is crushed and how my grief is heavy. The "sewing machine" that won't stop in my head of "This really hasn't happened, has it?" I have a wonderful family and friends that are loving and supporting me. I also need the love and support of others who have experienced this unspeakable shock. Thank you for listening.
Our son took his life this past February. He was 23 years old and a smart, kind young man. He got into trouble in Texas for drugs when he OD'd at 20 yo in 2021. He'd bought lot of different drugs online. He was charged with felonies and had a deferred conviction in 2022 with eight years of probation. He tried so hard and was successful for so long...but his legal problems and weed use (probation violation) was too much to handle.
He attempted suicide in November and then took his life in...
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Today our daughter turns 13. C would be so proud and happy. Our daughter was 10 when C died. She turned 11 shortly after he died. I can't believe I organized a bd party -in a park inviting a bunch of her 4th grade class mates- when we were in a huge shock, one month after the worse nightmare in my life. I remember ordering the balloons, and other moms helped me with the food and cupcakes...
Then it came the 12th bd party. No one helped me. Any mom offered help, I guess people believed I...
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Hi everyone,
Nice to meet you, sorry it's under these circumstances.
My ex (who I was in the process of leaving because he was an abusive alcoholic), hung himself in our basement days before Christmas 2024. I found him. Had to untie him and do CPR. I'm a nurse. I knew he wasn't going to come back. He didn't. They kept him on life support to donate his organs on boxing day.
I tried to safe the life of my abuser. And I'm hurting because he didn't always threaten or hurt me. Once upon a...
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Hello everyone,
On Monday, May 19th, 2025, my beautiful wife of 32 years (well it would have been 32 years tomorrow) succumbed to severe depression and took her life at about 8:05 am. My younger adult son (24) was with me when we got the terrible news that no one is prepared to hear.
While it is hard to feel grateful for anything right now, we are surrounded by caring family and friends that have helped us through these traumatic first weeks. Time, for me, has stopped. While it has only...
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Hi,
I don't know much about the inner workings of the forum.
Sometimes I find it hard to spend time here visually, because of all the white.
I wondered whether there might be a possibility of adding a dark mode as an accessibility feature.
I've taken to using it elsewhere, and it is helpful.
Thanks for considering it.
Best wishes,
Poet
Since my husband committed suicide on 22 July 2024 due to depression caused by severe PTSD, I have been struggling with severe anxiety. Not to make myself the victim, but aside from the fact that I lost my best friend and soulmate in the most shocking way possible, the following also happened:
1. On 10 June 2024, my previously healthy dad suffered a stroke to the brainstem, which hampered his ability to speak, breathe or swallow. After 3 harrowing weeks in ICU, he eventually passed away on...
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I shared a lovely-dovey letter three days ago and I meant every word of it. However, today is a very different day and today I'm tired of being in love with a dead guy. I just want to go on with my life and forget the pain. So many times I've had to reach down to my inner fortitude and save myself from sinking under water. It has been hell. It has set me back a couple of years after I'd recovered from previous setbacks.
I understand that he didn't do it on purpose but he still did it and it...
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it has been one year ( and 2 days). I didn’t think I would make it, but here I am.
I spent the day working on a correspondence with the lawyers for the on going legal dispute. This is what my husband would have to deal with if he were still here. So I am doing it for him and I want to do the best job possible.
I also wrote thank you text messages/emails to people who have been supportive to me and our son in this year. They have made our lives less difficult…
What a year! I told my son...
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I acknowledged Jess' essence as kindness and compassion. I also need to honor her deep sadness over the suicide of her husband and a difficult life.
Today, I'll feel both hers and my sadness. Both are true--her compassion and deep grief. I'm honoring both today.
Hello everyone. I stumbled upon this group. I lost my amazing boyfriend to suicide October 18 of 2024… I was the one that found him in my house when I came home from work. It had been Less than a year and still doesn’t makes sense. Stumbling through a lot of the emotions whether it’s therapy support groups are trying to distract myself and not think about it.
Thank you
I don't know whether there is good or bad grief, but I do know how our thoughts about it influence our experience.
If you haven't seen this video yet, please take the time to listen. It is honest, validating, and helpful.
I have been reading a book called, Where Reasons End by Yiyun Li.
I found her because of an article someone posted here. She is a creative writing professor at Princeton who lost two of her sons to suicide. At the time of the writing of this book, she had only lost one.
This novel is a conversation between her and her lost son.
I think I've written here about it before. And near the end of the book I got a powerful sign from Helena.
I've been wanting to write about this for several days...
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I hate form-filling. In my head and my heart, I know I’m still married.
When did you change your status?
I can’t. I still wear our wedding rings.
It will be his first death monthsary tomorrow. I’m broken.
I was an independent, alpha woman.
Now, I’m just nobody.
I finally finished my first quilt! I started this "temperature quilt" in 2023. For the entire year, I tracked the high temperatures in Houston. Each color in the quilt represents a temperature range. Each rectangle represents the high temperature for that day, and each row is a week of the year.
When my mom came to visit in the summer of 2023, I had only finished stitching together January and February (the first 8 rows). She loved it, and could hardly wait to see the finished quilt. I...
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Since my mom did it. No one seems to understand even though they try to. This entire month hits me like a ton a bricks. 2/11/2011. I doesnt help she left a note blaming me. But shouldn't I be over it? I feel like a freak for still being upset
Here are some wreaths that I made for the holidays to get through this long winter. So quick and easy.
Every time I start thinking I’m doing good I get punched in the gut!
The grief just shows up at full speed and knocks me down. I feel like I’m always taking two steps forward but there is always one or two backwards .
I know this is how it works but this journey we were all thrown into really sucks.
I have made so much progress from
13 1/2 months ago but it sure hasn’t been easy . All of you here at AoH have given me much needed advice, support and comfort.
I don’t do a lot of writing...
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I can’t believe or still yet accept that I lost my little brother on Christmas Eve.
How does anyone cope at this time of the year with Christmas parties and festivities and putting on a brave face for children while getting torn apart on the inside missing someone so loved and so special?
The thought of getting through the year to be faced with a first anniversary makes me feel ill.
I’ve been terribly unwell, lost weight, physical strain in my stomach that requires medical tests...
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Finally, 5 years later I was able to get rid of Rich's credit cards. I really had to talk myself into it. Seems so silly, but it was difficult. I wasn't able to let go of his wallet which held them. That's on hold until another day.
I am an 83 year old Grandma, and lost my precious grandson (18) to suicide at the the beginning of January, this year (2025). My whole large family is devastated (especially my son and daughter in law, and his two older sisters) and shocked. We all loved him so much, and he knew it. There were no drugs or alcohol involved, his life was going well, and he had never suffered with depression or anxiety. Our family is open, and tolerant, and we can all talk about anything without judgement...
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My son took his life Valentine's Day, 2024. I think of him every day. Even after a year, I still have days where the pain is unbearable. He was just 45 in November of 2023. For many years he suffered with anxiety and depression but was getting help. He was under the care of a therapist and a psychologist. He was on medication. Even though I knew this, I never imagined he would take his life.
For those in the UK......I watched ''Uncanny'' last night and was tossed back into the time before and after my dad died as my grandparents and mum died within 2 years when I was 17-19 and my dad was suicidal, alcoholic, chaotic, talking of suicide from when I was 18- 22 when he actually died/killed himself. I spent many nights alone in the house from the age of about 19 to 25 when my dad was either in hospital or had died.....and my brother went from ''normal'' to schizophrenic.....and the...
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My Wife is traveling, so my Valentine "Sit In" for Valentine's Day is this Collie Girl.
Not going to lie, I squealed when I saw my pups come out of their grooming appointment. They are not fans of bandannas so I rarely get to see them wearing one. Thought I'd share a little Valentine's love from my pooches.
Sound like a victim don’t I? I can’t help but feel like a bad dude. Even though my heart say otherwise.
I have loved so much and given so much. It will be 3 years in January that I lost my son. I have 3 kids.
I lost Spencer who was my oldest son. He was my friend, my hero, very smart, disciplined, but troubled emotionally.
Unfortunately, my daughter and son have decided it would be a good idea to cut me off.
That’s a lot of pain folks and I am not sure what to do with it.
I don’t want...
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I lost my BFF 9 months January 20 to suicide. She didn't want to fight. Lack of support. We weren't biological sisters but soul sisters. She understood me when no one else can.
My precious grandson (18) took his own life on January 2, 2025. He was so deeply loved, by our whole, large, extended, family. There were no drugs or alcohol involved and he showed no signs of depression, or anxiety. Losing him has broken my heart, and watching his parents (my son and his wife, who I love like a daughter) his two sisters, his cousins, aunts, and uncles devastated by grief, makes it even worse (if that was possible). We have NO idea what drove him to do this, and I don't...
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Has anyone had to give a police statement for a coroners enquiry? I was the last family member to see my Brother before his tragic passing. I am now feeling very unwell. I have been suffering with trauma and I haven’t been able to eat much without feeling nauseous. I’ve had to go to hospital for tests. Grief is horrendous particularly the guilt for not doing things at the time that could have prevented the outcome.
I’m feeling anxious about giving the statement. When I look back at the...
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It's the day before the 6th deathiversary of my younger sister, Kiela. As I was just telling someone, it seems to get easier and harder somehow as time passes. Kiela was an incredible human being in so many ways. She was a musician who had recorded quite a lot of her own original music and most recently was doing research work in the field of Genetic Anthropology. I think she knew FAR before I did how important it is to know and honor where you come from - our ancestors, the earth, the moon...
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I’m new to this forum… and will pace myself with what I share. My daughter almost 21 took her life in Sept ‘24. I miss her so much and today is a really hard day.
I made it through our anniversary.
My husband's birthday is next week. I need/want to take the day off.
This is truly a difficult road.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone here. I read every day, try to understand, journal, and paint. Our pups are here, but it's difficult to understand why my husband is not.
Every memory around my home, is him.
How do I move forward?
One step, breathe, each second is difficult on this unknown road.
I believe
I miss him.
His jovial banter
His cuddles
His surprises
His presence.
It's my daughter's Birthday today. After I finish crying this morning, I will celebrate her all day.
Sometimes I can't believe what I've lost. Can't believe what I've survived.
Every Valentine's day he would sneak out to my car and place chocolates and flowers and jewelry there. He was so sweet. Every year I gave him a Star Trek themed gift. I loved watching his face when he opened his gifts. He had the best surprise...
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My beautiful, kind and truly amazing soul mate took his life on Tuesday. I just don’t understand. No warning signs, wasn’t down or anything. If anything, he was happy as he’d just got an interview for a job. I’m utterly destroyed and can’t function. I feel I need support to understand why. We were so happy, in every way - he was 38. I just don’t understand why he would want to leave such an incredible life. Please help.
It's only a small thing, but as those who know know - it's the small things that set you off.
From an earlier post this week, you will have gathered I'm upset at the re-activation of my lovely friend's social media page and the triggers it brings back.
I'm just sat finishing Lunch and just having a look for something on that social media page when I realised there is a button which you can click to see just the messages between the two of you only. I was never one for putting posts on...
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For each of us who lost a loved one to suicide there are roles we played in one another lives. These roles, their imposed expectations and emotional implications, add to the complexity of the loss in unexpected, and often devastating, ways.
Siblings who endure a childhood that is difficult, one that may involve abuse, abandonment, mental illness, addiction, as there so many ways to hurt a child, if one sibling survives this trauma, and the other does not, as is the case for my brother and...
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I don’t even know how to begin. I got home from work that night, right around midnight. My husband had hung himself in the garage. Our 2 year old and then almost 7 month old were sleeping upstairs.
I don’t know how to move forward.
Before I reconnected with Joe (we’d met 13 years before in college), I was single for 8 years. Part of that time was spent in grad school in California, some starting my tv journalism career at NBC in New York, part of it in Miami working in cable news, part caring for my dying mom and grieving/recovering from her death. I made four cross-country moves in 7 years completely alone!
There was a ton of growth, moves, fun, change, challenges, and also a sense that I needed to find my “person”...
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I'm currently about 14 months from the loss of a friend to suicide. I feel like for the first number of months I felt this incredibly raw pain that felt really sharp and obvious to me. Right now as other big life things are in front of me I feel more detached from the pain of the loss- maybe it also feels softer. I think I also feel a little bit numb because I don't think I can feel that much intense emotional pain on an ongoing basis. I also wonder if I'm setting myself back in a way by not...
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Few apt descriptions come to mind when reflecting on having traversed, survived, the gauntlet of another holiday season. Cautious steps, tentatively, over crushed glass, each day, each moment, minute shards slicing through in unseen ways, with breathing untenable.
The tree went up for the first time in two years and a few ornaments hung. Very few. Shadows of what was, one day, long ago. It was not my wish or want to have it come back.
Our annual family tradition had been the gift of an...
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My sister in law chose to end her life with a firearm. my brother has been gone since 2012, however I have remained close to my sister in law every since and I have traveled to California for Xmas every year. I just communicated with her via text 4 days before she made this decision. I knew she had been distraught. She knew she had options for getting help, however, as I she know she opted not to avail those.
No specific reason, just having a difficult day staying focused. Thoughts of Thanksgiving (our first without my daughter) with the rest of our family and packing for that vacation. A 3 day out of town workshop that I signed up for 10 months ago, before my life changed. , 2 Christmas trees that need to be put up, everyone in the house grieving on a different schedule. The realization that this grief actuually won't kill me.... And the nonstop energy of my beautiful blessing of my 5 year...
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My husband shot himself in the head on June 9. He did it on our property outside. I didn’t see it but I heard the gunshot
As shock wears off and my new reality is ahead of me that I didn't want. Yet as I was forced here I have to somehow find a way to make the best out of it. Wrapping up our last tournament of the season for my youngest son's sports team makes me realize my distractions are wearing thin.
Despite being in college for mental health, no textbook in the world can ever prepare you for what happens when it comes to your house. It a demon I hope never touches another near me again. I'm grasping at...
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Hello I’m unfortunately new here. I lost my father this past Monday 10/28. I’m really struggling and I’m hoping that this can help me in any way.
I know people watch for cardinals as "signs" from loved ones. Since my daughter died, the most beautiful Blue Jay has been coming to my house. The odd thing is, I haven't seen a Blue Jay in many years, and never in the state I live in. Now, I've seen one 4-5 times in less than 5 months.
I offered my son's ashes to Pyramid Lake back in August of this year. On the journey there, I stopped to see an old girlfriend from high school, one of the most special people in my life. This morning she sent me a link to an article that has stopped me in my tracks. What a wonder!
I think of the Jelly Roll song I Am Not Okay. One day at a time, one day closer to her. WE ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT; hold on tight, my fellow grievers.
The lyrics that help are
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright
I know one day
We'll see the other side
The pain'll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright
Today 11 years ago my husband took his life..Someone bought the land next to my cabin. I do not know who it is or what their plan is..My cabin neighbor contacted me to say someone was there all ready chopping down trees . He said that the vehicle was parked in front of my cabin.
After I read his text I burst into tears. If my husband was here today he would be very upset about having a new neighbor. Funny how this happened on my husband’s death anniversary. I feel vulnerable. Is this new...
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Another Dream - Another Loss
Last night I dreamt that Martin was back in my life - again - and in my new flat. In the dream, it felt normal that he was back and people (I don’t have proof for this, just a feeling I had within the dream) also accepted that he was back. My sister and her daughter were visiting as it was my sister’s birthday.
Then I found myself in a nearby location that I love, in a store which sold an arrange of Indian food and beverage products.
I found a little...
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I co-parent an eight year old and a five year old. My brother, their uncle, took his own life in June 2023. At the time, I just told them that he had an issue with his brain, that he went to sleep, and never woke up. My mom is about to turn 83 and has almost let slip that my brother committed suicide on multiple occasions. I don't want my kids to hear this from anyone else but me. Recently my therapist recommended that I tell them the age appropriate truth about suicide without sharing...
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My husband took his life on January 30th. I've lost everything - my husband, my special needs daughter who had to move into a DLS home, my sweet doggie, my home,,,my trust in the world. It's a long and painful exhausting story from that day to here .But, has anyone completely shut the world out and decided to just be left alone? That's where I'm at right now. I don't know if this is a bad direction, or is this simply the process? I've lost everything. Even though I've gone back to work full...
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My son suffered from depression for a couple of years. He was trying some new med. It made him feel weird. So he went back to his old med following his doctor's suggestion. Two days before he took his own life, he told me something like his head felt messy. So I asked him, have you taken your med? He said yes. I thought, if he took his med, he should be OK. I realized, when it's too late, what he truly meant was his head felt messy even after he took his med. How come I didn't get what he...
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I unexpectedly lost my boyfriend who I share a home and family with on Monday 5 days ago. I’ve been through a lot but this has left me with unbearable pain, guilt and confusion. I’ve suffered loss many times this one hits completely different. Here for support from those that understand to help me unpeel the layers and learn to not carry it and how to live.
I am about a month and a half out from the loss of my boyfriend and my car stopped working, bad starter engine issues. I have had the car going on 10 years and it has been reliable, the cost of repairs is more than a down payment so I figured time to look for something new. Test drove a few cars and finally drove a Jeep Renegade, the same car my boyfriend had. In my messed up grief mind, not sleeping or thinking straight I thought it would make me feel closer to him having the same car...
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It’s only been four months but some days I truly feel like I’m spiraling and not even sure how to go on without my baby boy, and now all of the firsts start like holidays without himthis wasn’t suppose to be our life. Feeling so broken today, prayers appreciated. Zach’s mom f30
My son had had enough of this world .. he was 15. I don’t know what to do he isn’t even buried yet
This is a "special report" on grief, on how grief affects the body and mind, I found it very helpful to understand myself.
https://www.webmd.com/balance/grief...20190711/how-grief-affects-your-body-and-mind
Much Love
Tracy
Hi all,
I hope today is being kind to you.
In light of current events, I'm keeping a low profile on social media, but it's hard to strike a balance because a lot of my support system is there.
The other side of the coin is that I feel better when I don't wade into the general sense of distress.
I'm slowly learning that my natural curve towards isolation isn't doing me much good, and yet it's hard to talk about the things that need to be said.
I have been initiated into the impact...
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June 21st, while we were camping with all of our grandchildren, my son was in his way home from a week long business trip, my daughter-in-law committed suicide. My son found her in the bathtub where she had shot herself in the chest, taken all of her pain meds, and drank fifth of Scotch she had bought him for Father's Day. So now here we are heading into the holidays and we approach for first. We were terrible and never acknowledged their wedding anniversary.
Guilt is heavy on my heart...
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I’m well along in years , but only recently have I recognized this behavior pattern in me of needing ‘to fix’. (If you know you know. Lol.)
Observing & companioning alongside my good friend’s grief over the loss of his only son during these past 2 years brought this urge up in me in sharp relief.
He, and you all, have taught me that ‘fixing’ this - the tragic loss and ensuing grief - is not only impossible to ‘fix’ but also inappropriate to try.
As I am understanding it, experiencing the...
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A musician named Jason has shared a song with the world that will change lives, as it changed mine. It explains so much in so few words.
My brother fought alcohol use disorder and mental health challenges from his childhood, where the trauma began. He held on as long as he could, he just got so tired.
He was in and out of the hospital for years, physically scarred and damaged, support groups, support books, white knuckling it, trying to look 'normal', when he felt anything but. He...
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My wife registered a star in my name . Before she left .. .Bryan s Orion. She left that. To the greatest star in my life! She said !
Everyday is so painful, today makes a month that our princess left us. She was the first daughter, first granddaughter, first niece. Our everything. Blindsided, don't know and will never know why this happened. How did we all miss that she was suffering. She had just turned 14.
AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY AT 212-769-4400
‘We Remember Them’ by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack RiemerAt the rising sun and at its...
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I’m rolling along with this like a pro surfer but aware I could hit some unknown speed bumps. I’m a spiritual person and what some people call a hyper empath that practices compassion for those who suffer. I’m thinking this is my best tool while dealing with Jakes sudden passing. I’m here to listen and learn. Thanks for having me.
My son BJ was 18 when he passed away in April 2024. He had just completed his HSC (Australian end of school exams) and received top marks (94.6%), he got into his #1 Uni choice (10hours away) with his girlfriend. He was loving uni life and was already getting great marks 1 month in. He was trying out for the uni soccer team and was attending lots of social events. Then one night- 1month and 26days after we dropped him off, while I was making a thai stirfry and my partner was putting our...
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There are so many reasons why I blame myself... endless reasons for my son's unexpected suicide. It's crippling me. Paralyzing me and wrapping me in self hatred and making me doubt every decision I've ever made and ever will. I tell myself I am a terrible mother. The evidence is there... my son is gone, I failed him.
Introduce myself- once upon a time, this was easy. Now, not so much. I live in Australia, I am 40 years old. I have two amazing children- a forever 18year old boy and a 1year old daughter (yes- you read that correct- 18 years between them!), a partner and a very cute cavoodle puppy dog. I play soccer, I am an accountant in the education sector.
It's been 7.5months since we lost our son (lets call him BJ) and boy some days are hard. It's just unfair! Plan and simple! What did I do? He didn't...
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I took one of my little dogs to the vet this week. Two weeks ago she had her last teeth removed. She also had a benign cyst removed too. I almost was late for the follow up visit. My dog decided she did not want to go into the portable pet carrier for her ride in the car. It was like trying to put a cat in there. She kept putting her legs in the way of the crate opening. I imagine many of you know what that is like.
I made it to the vet. I was walking her on a leash in the parking lot. She...
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I'm careful in who I share the loss of my brother with as it's so painful and difficult to get into. I do think it's important to raise awareness however and I don't want to keep my brother's suicide as a 'secret'. My brother fought as hard as he could, over many years of being so ill, and that should be celebrated. His loss needs to be acknowledged. The response by one of the young people I shared this with highlighted this fact.
In the past whenever I'd heard of someone having lost a...
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We left to go out of town for about ten days. When we returned home on her dresser, she has a jar full of colored pencils; no one was home while we were gone. I went into her room to check on everything. The jar of pencils was tipped over with my favorite color, green, on the floor. I have no doubt this was her no other explanation. I felt all sorts of emotions; I am very open to signs and always ask for them. On her dresser are many pictures of my sweet girl. Each morning, I go in and say...
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I just have to share my story if I can help just one person then i will feel very blessed.
Like all of us here we all have our individual story along with our very own special loved one or loved ones.
I found my partner hanging in his favorite shed at our farm. In that split second on sighting him I pee'd my pants in shock and was left unable to speak nor physically move for the next 4 odd months....
I won't go into further details of that horrendous day however I wish to share what the...
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We were married 25 years. Had a tiny insignificant spat. We were arguing more but thought just a stage (kids went to college, getting older etc) nothing major tho.
Went to the mall. Came back and within 1 hour my entire life changed. He texted me a horrific message in anger. Its been 5 1/2 mos. Its been a nightmare. My poor kids have to live with this - I wake up angry almost everyday and go to bed sad. No signs this was even a remote possibility-Getting trauma therapy.
As some of you may remember, I sometimes receive a sweet gift of friendship from a man who took care of Helena's final needs.
Somehow it feels like a direct connection to her. He was one of the last people to see her or touch her.
And he took such great care of our family. He acted with such loving kindness. He sent me gifts:
A necklace containing her ashes in a very big pewter rose in a velvet box that also contains some of her ashes.
It looks like something from Beauty and the Beast. My...
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Nora Mc Inerny well and truely knows grief , now making her living writing and talking about it . Over a 6 week period in 2014 she had a miscarriage and lost both her farther and husband to cancer . She talks frankly , in an amusing but emotional way about this experience and her ongoing life .
Her TED talk has now had over 7 million views We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED - YouTube
she deals with things by therapy and friendly...
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I'm just over 2 months into this journey and I've done so well overall. Making myself process, being open with it, making myself feel it, and it's not been as catastrophic on my own MDD as I anticipated so far. But today was hard. No particular reason. Sobbing, messy evening.
When it's not prompted by anything in particular and yet people that know your loved one killed themselves, what do you say when they ask why today is hard or why toure crying?
Like really all days are hard, I just...
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I was so blessed to be able to say that for 30 years I was married to a wonderful man who made me feel loved every day. He loved me so much, in fact, that when his financial stability was failing, he made a plan to kill himself so that I would get his life insurance. We owned a business and one Saturday morning the police came to the business to arrest my husband for failure to pay sales tax to the state, he was using the sales tax money collected to pay bills for the business. He was at...
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I wanted desperately to believe there was a point to this life, a point to trying to be kind, loving, and do the right thing as best as you can. But it seems the Universe doesn't give a cr*p. Evil people thrive and good people suffer unbearable pain.
Losing a loved one to suicide is the worst pain one can experience, and there are even some who have lost more than one loved one (the universe piling on). Conversely there are those who live a life of nothing but selfishness, meanness...
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I'm sorry. I guess some days or weeks are going to be more difficult than others. There are days when I just don't know what to do to feel better. Sometimes therapy is not enough. And I understand that the grieving process is that, a process, and it takes time, but some days are harder. Sometimes I wish I could forget, but at the same time I never want to lose her memory. I visit this forum frequently and I read so many people that feel the way I feel, and I wish I could help them the same...
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Hi!
My son left us 7.14.18. This is hard to do. All our lives are forever changed. Is this our lesson to try and endure. 6 years and I still search for answers.... spirituality, mediums, the need to understand and be at peace that we will meet again. That he is ok and better off I suppose. Idk I'm without words.
I found alliance of hope. Things seem to be a blur at times. I read it sometimes and realized it's so hard even reading all the others.
After too much drinking, many episodes but...
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I flew to Oregon to visit my daughter and her husband on Sunday.
They live outside Portland in Beaverton.
My daughter has bought tickets to the Joe Banamassa concert in the summer. We all like jazz and he is something else on the guitar.
Their home backs up to a nature trail and protected wetland area. There are many species of birds and other wildlife. It is beautiful to walk along.
I am also checking out the area during the rainy months as I am seriously considering moving here next...
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Hello,
I lost my best friend to suicide September 26, 2019. I haven't been the same since that day. I don't recognize the girl that I was 5 years ago. After the loss I found myself feeling guilt and shame around being so sad. I was constantly comparing my grief to that of her family members. I thought to myself "I don't deserve to be sad, her mom and her brothers now they deserve to be wrecked over this, but not me". This led to a lot of unresolved feelings around this loss. I suffered...
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A year ago today, for World Kindness Day, I spent the day at my son's high school handing out treats, telling them how much they matter, and reminding them to be kind to each other. I had no idea that only 12 days later, my son would be gone. So, as painful as a reminder today is, I am trying to spread kindness in his memory. I provided 2,000 motivational cards for the students/teachers at his high school. I am hoping that it reminds them of how much they mean to the world.
So, in memory...
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I have an 8 year old grandson has always been aware that his aunt and grandfather died before he was born. As a small child I explained that they died because they were "sick". Now he is asking more specific questions that I am afraid to answer. I feel like if he knows the truth, he will ultimately subconsciously know suicide is an actual option. Has anyone found a way to explain suicide to a child without traumatizing him?
Hello Everyone,
I have lost my husband and adult daughter 13 and 10 years ago. I had really hoped that time would help me accept my unexpected situation, but in some ways, time has made it worse. I thought it might help me hearing how others have managed to thrive, not just survive.
It's been two weeks since I lost my boyfriend, my best friend. He brought so much to my life and we had just picked out the venue for our wedding. After a surprise vacation to California he died two weeks after we returned home. My life will never be the same
It's been two weeks since my boyfriend took his own life using the gun my late father had left to me. Knowing that he used that makes me feel so guilty, because while I'd done all I could to keep his own guns out of his hands, I fumbled when it came to mine. To be honest, I never thought he would use that as his way to do it. I'm not sure why I had that belief but I did and I was so wrong. Two weeks after getting back from a trip to Cali with just him and I, he told my youngest he was going...
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My husband took his own life just before New Year's day. Each day has been long, to say the least.
Last Thanksgiving, we had Covid. I woke up, put my turkey in the oven and didn't feel good. I took a Covid test and was positive. We had Covid. Two years of working (my husband and I) as essential workers and we get Covid.
I can't forget Thanksgiving last year during this time. I was very sick and sleeping on the couch. I woke up to my husband tapping on my head asking if I was...
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Being a part of this forum gives me insight into grief. When I started on this road in May, I would wonder what people meant when they would talk about changes in grief, and certain points being harder. The 6 month mark was one of those.
My 6 month mark was over this past weekend. I can best describe this grief point as a better understanding of myself, and maybe even my daughter. So, some of the same old thoughts rolled in...why?, she's not coming back, I would trade my life to ease her...
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Hey- so someone said that eventually people stop coming around. Stop checking in. Today, I saw my brother showing off his gun on fb- he owns many. Well, my bf took his life by gsw to the head. So, unsuspecting to me, and kinda surprising, the first thing I thought of was too graphic to even write about. So I tell my friend who has been my rock. She’s not unkind but kinda like “that triggers you? Hope it’s not always that way”. And somewhere in there I felt completely unseen. How could it...
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I hate to say it, but I feel ashamed when I have to tell people that my husband died by suicide. I feel that people judge me and automatically assume that our marriage was troubled or that I was a terrible wife who was inadequate somehow. I do think I was a terrible wife for failing to stop him at the most critical point. However, our marriage was wonderful, the happiest years of my life. We had both worked hard at being better partners for each other. When my husband suffered a...
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I think it hits me the most when talking about Jeff, which I love doing. But there's a part of my brain or something that when I do a thought comes to my mind of " oh maybe tomorrow will be different,and I'll see him. I'll be able to kiss him" and then reality hits a split sec. after.
This is when I've noticed I break down the most. Each day feeling this...it's exhausting....and creates so much sadness that I don't have that option and Jeff is not coming back.
I don't like it at all.
I removed myself from the forum for months because I felt so stuck in grief. Today, while at work, the site "popped" open. I had accidentally hit the bookmark. Instead of closing the page, I left it in the background as I continued working. Gradually, I made my way back to you lovely people. The ones who "get it". Get why time stands still, while moving so quickly, why I am always on the verge of tears despite my seemingly happy countenance. You get the horrible fog that refuses to lift. I...
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How do you live without your spouse. It's weird and time doesn't seem to make it more real. It feels like time doesn't exist since you left, but looking at the kids faces they have already grown. Looking at my face it's not even the same, first holidays without you 42. I miss you and I love you.
Let's talk
Tomorrow he will have been gone 30 days and it still doesn't seem real. He had big beautiful eyes that lit up a room. He was smart, creative, talented and kind. In his almost 23 years, my nephew touched so many lives in a positive way but he was also suffering internally. Too often behind those big beautiful eyes was a sadness. He's not in pain anymore. I am happy that he suffers no more, but there is nothing that I wouldn't do to hug him one more time. It's going to take a long time to...
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My 23 year old son committed suicide on September 26. He was due to graduate 12/20 as valedictorian of his paramedic class. He was loved and respected by his EMT family. My heart is shattered.
Hi,
Not sure how to introduce yourself in these types of forums. But, I'll try... I'm a Mom of 4, and my husband recently ended his life 9 months ago. I've struggled to talk about how I really feel only because the children require so much of me, and I immediately went into Momma bear mode after he passed. I'm left with the mess to clean it all up and make sure the kids are good.
I'm finally attempting to mourn the loss of my husband, and father of my kids. It's horrible, 1st holidays...
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My son Jake, a Marine Corp veteran died by suicide 8 months ago. He served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and was discharged 13 years ago with a diagnosis of PTSD. He struggled in silence, not wanting to burden others with his demons. He is the most courageous person I know. Always there to support others. Yesterday was the Marine Corp Birthday and today is Veterans Day, both very emotional and hard days for our family.
As I read and listen to all the talk about veterans there is no mention...
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Hi, I lost my son on 7/6/2020 at 17. Life is surreal. For me there is no new normal but i still try to live the best life i can. I believe that i still can have a good or great life, even without that precious boy so I'll do everything I can to heal. I'm here. I may as well make the best of it. I love Alan Wolfelt and Anderson Cooper's "All there is." These are 2 of my greatest supports (in addition to 2 therapists, writing and biking. I also attend a couple of suicide survivor groups and...
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Hello, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here and a lot has happened since then. The shirt back to school for me was very rough, especially since I am in marching band and my schedule is VERY demanding ( like I’m talking 3 hour rehearsals Tuesday-Friday, and a full day competition on Saturday) I am also in the midst of preparing for drum core auditions ( as a snare drummer) and music auditions for college. Music is very important to me and it’s what has kept me going throughout this whole...
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Hi all,
I hope today is being kind to you.
It feels a little self-indulgent to post about this.
I returned to work with my teen students this morning, having skipped last month's workshop.
My boss rang me a few days before and gave me the option, due to the potentially triggering theme.
I'm grateful that I could be present in all the ways required of me today, because I took the opportunity to practice some self-care and self-compassion last month.
I'm grateful to the helpline...
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My partner started using medicinal marijuana for chronic migraines in Feb 2022. It helped him so much, so he was using it constantly at a relatively high dose, smoking joints with THC levels at 22mg throughout the day, gummies at 5 or 10 mg throughout the day. I have no clue how much he used, neither did he. There was no prescription like a pill, even tho it was medicinal and prescribed by a doctor. We were just guessing. It was healing, he told me finally felt like he had a fighting chance...
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Hello, my name is Sharon. I lost my first son by suicide on 08/01/24. Very new to this grief
and still feel like I am lost.
It’s been 5 mos since my son 27 took his life I find myself just taking a day at time my focus has changed I used to think and worry about future but now just each day I’m only 48 have two other children a granddaughter and significant other some days I feel soo old inside but I’m still young my heart still hurts daily for my son and I have ok days and bad days just hope my heartache gets some relief as i don’t want my health to be affected
Good morning. This month will be the 2 year anniversary of losing my daughter. I am so sad to be a part of this group, but I appreciate sharing with those that understand this awful & unique form of grief. Thank you for allowing me to join.
..that this helps me to understand. It just shatters me to know, but what else could I have done.
Lost my nephew Aug 1. We were very close. On Mother's Day he wrote to me "Happy Mother's Day you always cared for me as much!" we actual talk the day he ... having a hard time believing this is my new life
I don't even know what to say. Its been 4 months since my son past. he was a teenage athlete who was active in more than just sports. My wife and I are still searching for answers we know we will not find. Reading the post has helped me understand how we are not alone.
Lost my bf. He took his life on 8/30/24. Looking for people to connect with and someone who understands the impact this has on our lives.
St Paul's Suite, by Holst, just came on the radio. My daughter played violin. She started in a Suzuki program when she was very young. When she was about 11 or 12, a local community orchestra invited some of the students to play a concert with them. St Paul's Suite was one of the pieces. I worked with my daughter on the final movement before the first rehearsal, but we practiced it slowly. When she got to the rehearsal, the conductor set a very fast tempo. It went like the wind.
On...
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I feel like survivors of suicide loss are at the very bottom in a the grief caste system. This, I feel, is due to the (wrong) perception that suicide is always preventable. That the act of suicide is an intentional act by someone with a rational mind, combined with the perception (that suicide prevention programs perpetuate) that loved ones must have missed a sign or weren't listening. Doesn't matter that this is not true, it's what society believes.
Even those who have someone who...
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Had to put my 18 yr old dog done . Crying like no other now. I'm deeply Hurt by all of it Now.
This is the account of the wife of a specialist urologist doctor in New York City dealing with the death of her husband by suicide over a number of years. She adapted and changed over a number of years to the emotional and practical challenges of her changed circumstances .
He was dealing with the emotional challenges of the death of both his parents in the South American country of Columbia within a relatively short period of time. He was late getting home, so she went to the building...
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Hello
I lost my dad to suicide 4 years ago last Monday. Each year passes and it doesnt get better. I have found it hard to connect with others who lost their dads but now that I see this forum I see a lot of you who had similar losses. I am grateful for this, and am glad I joined so that I can share with people who understand.
I lost my boyfriend/ long time friend 7 years ago and I still look form him in everyone everyday, sometimes I see it sometimes I don't.
My brother died last weekend. I am so mad at him because I don't understand why. It doesn't make sense, and it never will. I don't know how to handle this anger. I feel like I can't even grieve him because I'm so mad at him. I am also embarrassed for him because he has tarnished his life and reputation by doing this. He is not that guy! I'm sorry if that is insensitive to say. I don't want to feel this way, but it is how I feel.
My haunting is the re occurring visions of her in the tub dead and all that blood . Can't stop all these nightmares. My last kiss to her and the inevitable happened as I checked her pulse .it's a horrible nightmare.bi can't . I can't anymore.
My dad took his life three weeks ago and just like everyone else...I have a million questions. My dad was a counselor, I'm a counselor. I know the struggles of burn out and the signs and so did he. I logically understand what led up to this loss, but I can't get some things out of my head. As a human being and someone in the field, I've understood suicide as a crisis....but I've discovered journals of his plan dated 11/12/23. The scene was meticulous. A typed note, a will, all his money...
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Found him, he shot himself like he said he would at the ER to the nurse on Thursday. He has beennin drug induced psychosis since then his dad took him home from the hospital when I wasnt by his side for a moment and then he was so paranoid of me that he wouldn't let me see him until yesterday. Finally after 60+ phone calls back to back i finally saw him the last time I saw him. He was off i told him how much I loved him and I am sorry he is going through this. He wanted me to leave I should...
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Imagine my surprise while perusing YouTube videos and found this! Our own @hazel is on her way to stardom after making and starring in this clever video. It is brilliant. Just brilliant.
……..feel so incredibly heavy?
when it feels like the more you have the lighter your load is. The less weight on your shoulders.
Is there some mathematical rule that would explain this?
C-J-R = X
Ive never been good at math. I don’t know the answer to this problem.
I get up each day. I have a plan. There is some reason for me to be here. I have something to look forward to.
But these are all lies.
I am trying to focus on the mathematical equation C+M = X. This has to be enough to...
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Hello everyone. Hope you are all doing well since the last time we communicated. October 18th is the 66th wedding anniversary for my grandparents. I plan to visit the mausoleum around that day to commemorate the lives of my grandparents. Things did not play out well in the end with grandmother having dementia and it dissolved their marriage. I think it is still important to make the best out of things and pay tribute to lives well-lived. Sometimes it gets hard still and I will use my coping...
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Yesterday I learned to always be prepared for random people to bring up my brother. Two people I don’t know very well told me how sorry they were for the loss of my brother. One of them I literally didn’t even know her name and she approached me randomly in the street. I had no idea they knew, and I’m not sure how they found out.
It feels weird not having control over who knows? I’m not ashamed of my brother and I refuse to hide what happened, but it’s still the most personal detail of my...
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Brain Energy: New Hope – Treating Mental Health Disorders as Metabolic Disorderswww-sir-advancedleadership-harvard-edu.cdn.ampproject.org
Lots of research is being done about using ketogenic diet's to control and in some cases cure mental health disorders. Robert Kennedy talks a lot about the...
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. I went to a bbq in the summer . Considering I lost my son just over a year ago , they expected me to be back to my old self . That’s not the person I am any more . I have lost 3 children now but the last one to suicide is very much different. No one who has not been touched by suicide does not understand . Still the questions. The not understanding of why life was not worth living I ask my self every day . I still hate being in the real world . Instead I shut my self away . May be it’s...
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i lost one of my best friends about 10 months ago now. her birthday was September 11 and it brought about a whole new wave of grief and longing, she would have been 24 this year. i think about her every day, but i noticed recently that ive found myself becoming more understanding of her choice, especially given her quality of life and circumstances. how do i grapple with the thought that maybe she was suffering so much that this was the right for choice for her? it doesn't feel right to...
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Hello all, my father died by suicide September 9th, with my mother and I discovering him. I'm in the deepest despair and confusion of my life and am struggling to navigate the reality of things. My father worked in the mental health field, as do I, and this was a huge connection we shared throughout or relationship. I attend counseling for PTSD due to previous domestic violence and now for the symptoms associated with the loss and discovery...I feel as if I'm doing everything I'm "supposed...
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HI everyone,
My wife was Japanese and she passed away 4 years ago. I want to travel in Japan and complete things on her Bucket List. I am not Japanese.
I have self-studied the Japanese Language VERY HARD for 3 years now for multiple hours of studying each day. I have absorbed a ton of vocabulary. I also learned to read and write Japanese which was extremely difficult
Now I am ready to find an online tutor to help me with speaking and listening. I have been looking at the...
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Since I've seen Shorty's videos a couple of years ago, I was head over heels in love . Hope you will enjoy him too.
I went shopping today. It’s an achievement considering how Iam now, anyway, I was in self check out line and I saw this young man that looks like my son his curly hair, his face, even his jeans. kept on staring at him hoping he turns around and see me, until the security lady said “ ma’am are you going people behind you”. It was so weird that I literally wanted to hug him and take his number. When I made it to my car I muted for almost 30 minutes in the parking lot just crying. I miss my...
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This may sound strange or it may not . Since my son suicided 3 years and 8 months ago various people have approached me to tell me they have seen him or that they can help me talk to my son . I haven’t asked anyone to do this and if I did I would figure that out with trained trusted proven professionals.
Friends a therapist etc have done this and I find it very unsettling and in fact triggering. Has anyone else had this happen unsolicited? Then they will tell me my son is happy and fine and...
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My whole life I loved to laugh. I can self entertain to the point of tears LOL
Gene loved to make me laugh. He told me that all the time. After he died I saw nothing funny unless it was coping with a twisted sense of humor. I'm sure many can relate.....................I distinctly remember the first time I giggled. I broke down crying. How could I even giggle, I was grieving my loved one. Today 8 plus years later, we were talking in the office about this comedian and funny he is. Course I'm...
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Oct. 1
I miss the way he used to pull me closer everywhere we went.
Sitting at a bar right next to him and he would pull the chair, with me in it. He pulled it with equal parts strength and caution until our two chairs were touching, kinda creating a bucket seat.
So dang sexy.
And gone. So gone.
What a beautiful memory he is.
Hello,
I lost my only brother a month after his 30th birthday, back in April. My mom lost her other son, my wife her brother-in-law, and my young son his uncle. I've been in therapy since and it's helping, but it was suggested that I seek out some form of group support. I'm feeling all the usual things and having the usual thoughts after something like this. Been feeling pretty depressed lately and I'm trying to keep it together for my family, but it's hard. Anyway, I never really used...
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It's still only been about 6 weeks since my GF took her life. During that time I have cycled through sadness, loneliness, guilt (so much guilt) and maybe a smidge of anger although I can't say I've really gotten angry with her. Yesterday something new started creeping in.
Pretty sure it was pure despair. Just an utter feeling not that I can't deal with all of this, but just that I don't want to anymore. I don't want to feel all the things I'm feeling, I don't want to go back home and...
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I have been falling asleep very very fast and then waking many times during the night tossing and turning. I feel like a sleepwalker during the day sometimes. Anyway I woke up last night at 1:30. Rolled around for about an hour and then read for a while and then apparently went back to sleep.
I remember several dreams that I had which is unusual. Often I just don't remember them. I know that I'm having them because I have certain feelings during the day that remind me of a dream. Anyway...
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Hi I wanted to reach out again and ask when can I smile again. Last month my Anxiety started to mellow out and I started to feel more normal like I use to. I laughed one night at our kitten bc she's so playful and she was being funny. And I started to smile. Why do I feel so much guilt?? It's so hard.
Those of us who have been on this journey for a while understand all too well that when we are ill or extra tired the grief monster can get a leg up on us. I have been running running for the last 2 months it seems.
The sandwich generation feeling. Trying to help my parents as they struggle with my mom's sciatica surgery and recovery and trying to help my daughter as she reenters the working world. I am her daycare provider. And I feel fortunate to be able to help everyone.
But that...
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As September comes to an end, so does "Suicide Prevention Month." With the Fall approaching, I am hearing about International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day (this year on November 23, 2024)
Sorry to join you all. I lost my new partner to suicide in February; I was the one to find him. Came across this forum when looking at what to expect when I attend his inquest (in UK) tomorrow.
Struggling with complicated grief and PTSD/nightmares/flashbacks. And all those other unanswerable questions and ruminations that I’m sure many of you experience after losing someone to suicide.
In a horrible coincidence, I lost another close friend, who I worked with, also in February, also to...
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Lost my partner to suicide in February and I was the one to find him. It’s his inquest tomorrow (UK). Really don’t know how I’m going to get through it. Taking his hoodie and some photos of our happier times to hold onto. Miss him so much
I was the one to find my new partner a couple of days after he had taken his own life. It was in February. I remember every detail as if it was yesterday. It’s like the scene that faced me is etched behind my eyeballs. I still have nightmares about it; sometimes it’s an exact replay of that night, other times it’s me in the dream, sometimes it’s other people close to me that I find. I’m so exhausted. Does it ever get any easier? Do the flashback/nightmares ever reduce or is this just my life...
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My brother's 4h anniversary came up and I had a mental breakdown, I hope I'm putting this in the right place. I ended up having to be put into the hospital because of this, because I was so triggered by everything. Before his anniversary came up, I was visiting my best friend in Maryland and I saw a movie theater that my brother and I both worked at. Well it ended up closing down, once I saw that, I had a mental breakdown. I ended up flying back to Florida and once I got home, I got checked...
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My 81 year old dad suffered a stroke on Feb. 4, 2024. The biggest obstacle he had was his swallowing which consisted of tube feedings 4 times a day. I drove back and forth from my parents house ( 90 min each way) to help my mom as well as my dad. On April 14, 2024, my dad took his own life. We (my mom, sister, my grown kids and nieces) all understand that my dad did not want to live the way he had been the last few months. However, it still does not make the hurt any less. Initially, it...
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Im so tired in this life...since I lost my sister I just cant find joy ever again...I just want to drift away
Hello myself and my husband lost our son 4-9-24 he turned 19 the 7th of April. We still can't even comprehend any of this. We know he's gone but how??? He struggled for 2 years as his first attempt wasn't successful. That's a long 2 years of monthly psych appointments and lots of medications with still the end result just as devastating. Unfortunately the 2nd one was. We are stuck in this place we call it Bizaro world. How does anyone continue with actual life? We can't seem to. All we do...
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Earlier this month was six months since my wife committed suicide, soon it will be seven months.
People said, give it six months or after six months things will start to improve, etc... my brain seems to have held onto this time frame and actually I feel worse now than I did a few months ago. Memories of what happened are still just as vivid as they were, stupid things upset me and pretty much everything reminds me of her.
I'm so disorganized, unmotivated and really struggle with so many...
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My five 1/2 year old granddaughters, biological father, who hasn't seen her since she was two days old, filed for custody four days after my daughter passed.
That narcissist hijacked our grief process. For 88 days I could focus on nothing except the possibility of loosing my granddaughter. On Thursday last week we received full guardianship of our granddaughter. Although I am elated, that she is safe, now the overwhelming grief has returned.
I miss my daughter so much, I can’t even...
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Hi everyone. I am 19 and my mom committed suicide a couple of days ago. I am planning to go back to school in the next week or two. I am wondering how I should approach telling my class friends because they are going to ask, "Where have you been?" I want to tell them what I have been going through, but I am unsure on how to go about that. I do not want to make other people uncomfortable. I am stuck wondering if I should text them, along with my roommate, and tell them before I see them in...
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I finally did it. I hit so many benchmarks in the last month that I had been trying to reach for the entire second half of our relationship. I passed my exam, fighting tooth and nail against grief brain to do so, and got the raise from it. My company kept their word and offered me the promotion that was promised if I did that, even with no grace given for extenuating circumstances from the ironically named HR. I hit a salary that 4 years ago was inconceivable to me. I'm sitting, although...
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....I am beyond disappointed in the behavior of others in relation to the walk I did in memory of my brother. It must be so hard for people to face what suicide is that they avoid it, avoid us, and cannot bring themselves in many cases to provide any support at all. Not a donation, not words of support, nada.
My partner forwarded a letter I'd written requesting that the family support, in some way, the 'Out of the Darkness' walk. In memory of Bob and the long, hard battle he fought for so...
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He is gone, all I want to do is go get him but I can’t. He just did it and he was everything to me and now he’s gone I wasn’t there and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do
Hi everyone. I am 19 and my mom committed suicide a couple of days ago. I am planning to go back to school in the next week or two. I am wondering how I should approach telling my class friends because they are going to ask, "Where have you been?" I want to tell them what I have been going through, but I am unsure on how to go about that. I do not want to make other people uncomfortable. I am stuck wondering if I should text them, along with my roommate, and tell them before I see them in...
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I'm so sad yet grateful to have found this forum. I just found out Thursday evening that one of my dearest friends took his life. He's been in my life since I was 14 (I'm now 38), and he's felt like, in many ways, an honorary father. Finding out this news has only been made worse by the fact that we know so little about what happened, and there's no closure or comfort. I'm wavering between shock and feeling so sick that if I had only picked up the phone and called him or told him how much he...
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Just three days ago, I discovered that one of my dearest and oldest friends committed suicide. After being ousted from his job last year, he moved back to our area. I thought it would comfort him to have people like my mom and myself who could be there for him. We should have seen the signs. He was giving away all his stuff the month prior, but he also loves living minimally, so we didn't think much of it. But now, oh god, I wish I'd questioned it more.
We only had ten months with him...
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I am not sure where to even start. We lost our beloved daughter on Sept 5th. She hung herself in her family's garage. My granddaughter and i found her. She started showing extreme signs of depression in May. We went to the hospital twice and then started an out patient program to help her. We thought she was doing better. I am filled with so much sadness and grief, guilt. I miss her so much. She had a loving husband and three wonderful children. I can't stop thinking that i could have done...
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I lost my Wife in June 2024 after she took her own life. We were married for 22 years and still looking forward to many more together. We never had any biological children together but did have a blended family of 7 children (all grown) and 9 grandchildren. She loved being a Mom and Grandma.
We met while we both were serving in the Air Force. Just two single parents talking about childcare turned into a fairytale romance and marriage. We married 3 years before we both retired from the...
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A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from the college where I teach classes at night. I had just gotten on the freeway and up to speed when I heard a loud WHACK that jarred the car. At first I thought I had run over something on the road, but there was no change in the feel of the car, as one would expect. There was no one driving down the road nearby, so it was a mystery unit l I got home a few minutes later. It turns out that some unknown person threw a large rock at my car, as...
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After 6 months of him leaving me. Now I’ve lost my baby dog and I’m devastated and I can’t do this anymore. He was my reason for living for getting up. I had to take care of him cuz he was sick and now he’s gone too and I’m ****ing dying inside. I took him to the vet and they said his cancer and heart condition progressed but didn’t think he was going to die that day. They gave me some medicine for him so I gave it to him but then he died like an hour after I gave him the medicine. I feel...
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Sorry, this is going to be a long one. After I lost my mom in January I went back to class after a week. This was mostly pushed by multiple family members for the fear that I would drop out. Some would even say, “Your mom wouldn’t want you to quit.” At the time my body and mind were on autopilot. I would have done anything they told me to do. I was so lost, scared, and needed guidance in the unfamiliar world that no longer included my mom. The teachers I had last semester were very...
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There is a section on this site to memorialize members and moderators who are no longer with us? S.G.
To the fellow grieved,
Technically it could be counted that I have returned, because in this moment I have.
I had found this haven in the midst of the 1st year of my new reality. My younger brother at 20 years old took his own life on Oct. 16, 2009.
I have harbored guilt about his choice; it makes it abundantly clear that people who haven't experienced a suicide of someone close to them can never understand the guilt that can sometimes be associated with their action.
I...
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I lost my eldest son, Zane to suicide 2.5 yrears ago I have been worried about my two surviving boys since then.
27 September 2024
Last night was Thursday. Usually I attend a meeting on a Thursday night, but this Thursday I didn’t because on I was made aware that my youngest was competing in the Senior Speech Competition at his high school on this particular Thursday. The ONLY reason I became aware of this event was by way of an email from his English teacher. So I gave my apologies for...
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Eric had been dealing with paranoid schizophrenia and hearing voices. He believed an old gang from CA was coming after him.. and me cause we were together… since mid last year, he finally told me about it in Oct 2023. He saw a professional but I don’t think he was truthful so no meds to counter the psychosis.
3/13/24 was the night he believed they were coming for us. I tried grounding exercises, breathing exercises with him. But I felt that he was just appeasing me. I told him we just need...
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I’m back. I thought the worst was over but I’ve fallen back onto the guilt train again. I’ve had a really hard few days remembering my Dad.
I think the worst part is hindsight and knowing the signs were there, but I didn’t know they were signs.. I feel so insensitive to have brushed my Dad’s struggles off, right in front of him when he was telling us how bad he truely felt. I can’t even imagine what he felt when we all kept going on about our lives, telling him to keep fighting and the days...
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Meet Me on the Mountain Baby....before it's too late , we're on our way! Meet Me on the Mountain ! On my way! Love this ......
...was today and, as I'd told a friend, while I was grateful to see so many people there raising funds and awareness for the prevention of suicide, I was also heartbroken knowing all of the reasons we felt that we had to.
To the nice young man I met at the walk today....you did it, you made it, and your friend will be SO proud of you. Your friend will be tremendously grateful to have had such a good friend and someone who cares so deeply. They stayed longer out our love for them, and their...
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Lately, I’ve been reading articles written by well-known health organizations about suicide and warning signs. These organizations state something like, “there are signs, even if you think there aren’t.”
Is this true? Are there always signs of some sort? If not, why do these organizations keep saying it?
Hell hit my family hard 8 week’s ago, that’s when my son took his life. That day literally stood still and shock overwhelmed our family. I think we thought, this doesn’t happen to families like us, but sadly we were all wrong.
My son was 48 years old. A big burley man, tattooed, bald head, always pressed and dressed. I could hear him coming before he got to the driveway, pulling up to the house on his Harley, music going. He knew first thing I’d tell him was “Why does that music have...
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Hi all,
As you may know my friend Steve ended his life in June 2021 - two weeks after he came out as queer - and I have gained new understanding at intervals surrounding the circumstances of his death.
It took me a long time to recognise that suicide loss demands a different kind of tending than many of the other experiences I've been through.
I discovered how he likely left this world just six weeks after I stumbled upon the news on somebody else's Instagram post.
The where and the why...
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I don’t know if I’m using this right to post. I’m not super techie and I work around 90 hours a week, but in those few hours that I’m not occupied I think of her. I’m reading a book on suicide grief and it is helping. I’m now getting angry again. Not just with the world but with her, then myself for being angry with her. I just want the hamster wheel to stop.
First time posting here, but have read through many threads here and found them comforting and relatable over the years.
I lost my mother to suicide about 3 years ago, and in general I feel that I have faced my grief and trauma in a way that suits me. I saw a therapist for about the first 6 months after her loss, but generally felt awkward about sharing so much with a stranger and having wounds purposely pushed on by someone. There were days where I was feeling okay, but I knew that...
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Has anyone thought about every poor parenting choice they ever made with their child? Lately, I think about the times I wasn't patient or said the wrong thing. I wonder if my mistakes resulted in my son eventually taking his life. I feel like a total parenting failure and fear that's how others judge me when they find out my son died by suicide.
Smells like fall,
He is dead.
But continues.
I'm constantly reminded of him.
The backyard, his plants, his truck.
I'm doing my best to take care of his stuff.
But he is not here.
Does he care about me keeping his stuff? No.
He wants the best for me and L.
This is what I'm doing,
Trying my best.
Letting go as much as I can,
from material things.
I must continue my life,
my purpose, my meaning.
I will always carry him with me,
all the learnings, realizations,
that will guide me to become
the...
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Hi everyone, I lost my mother to suicide about 3 years ago and have visited this forum occasionally (in the beginning very frequently) for information and to feel that I was not alone in what I was going through. I did not really feel like I was in a place to talk about what happened to me until now, which is why I have chosen to finally start posting for myself.
I have just moved to a new country and a new job, and I feel ready to start carrying my grief in different ways and to be more...
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Found out my mom passed away this morning. I am still in shock. I am 18 years old. I’m not sure how to handle this besides trying to connect with people. She’s been fighting clinical depression for a few years and has been bipolar her whole life, hoping this can bring me some peace.
We live close to the upper Chattahoochee. After heavy rains Johnny would love to run the river. He would come home after doing it in a fraction of the regular time the water was so high and fast! He would be hooting and hollering having had so much fun. He’d be absolutely thrilled and elated.
He enjoyed everything about life and lived it to the fullest. I just can’t understand why he wouldn’t do what it took to stay. I miss him so much I don’t know what to do.
Hi. I lost my 24 year old son a year ago to Suicide. I didn't think writing this introduction would be difficult, but I'm finding it a little triggering. Our son struggled with mental illness pretty much his entire life. He was diagnosed with bipolar when he was six.
He was the absolute sweetest, most beautiful boy. His smile would light up a room. But he was in so much emotional pain. We tried every medical expert, every treatment, medication and program available. He wanted so badly to...
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In a week it will mark 6 months since my amazing brother ended his life. Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and depressed about the loss more so than ever before. I feel unmoored and lost and I find it hard to motivate myself to really live and not just survive.
My brother was only 23 and so newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder that I question over and over if the meds he was on influenced his decision to end his life. I have bipolar as well and this has been such a setback in my...
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Hi everyone. My Dad passed in November 2022 to suicide.. We were very close. I've been really struggling lately and I guess I want to just know, where/how can I begin to really grieve him?
This is my first time posting. My Dad took his life on September 20th. He hung himself. He was 58 years old. He was the funnest Dad and always made me laugh. My Mom was the responsible parent and my Dad was always just a big kid. We had so many adventures together. He was a nature lover and was unique and artistic. We walked through creeks and woods and spent lots of time at the beach swimming in the ocean together. He taught me to body surf and I have loved the water ever since. He...
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How do people continue living after a loss like this? My partner died on September 1st from Sodium Nitrate. I found him while he was still barely breathing. I performed CPR and couldn't save him. We had a fight the day before. I know I was the final straw on top of all of the other struggles he was dealing with. How am I supposed to ever feel okay knowing it is my fault he is dead? How am I supposed to go on? It will be a month this Sunday since he died and I can barely get out of bed in the...
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A meditation this week was on gratitude. I heard the words and began to be grateful for Jess in my life. I also felt the sorrow and void of Jessica no longer with us.
I wonder if my challenge is to hold gratitude and sorrow at the same time?
Both are true and equally important for my healing.
I know the gratitude won't fill the empty, and maybe just maybe gratitude will help me live with the void.
M
Hi everyone.
I find it hard to express even remotely how I'm feeling.
I called my Dad Daddy-O and he called me C. We had a very special relationship, And I can't tell you how much I want to hear him call me that again. I miss his voice. He was a singer, and he lit up a room. Everyone loved him. He took his own life on November 27, 2022 and my life just crumbled. There was no note, no goodbye. I honestly don't know how to grieve him. I am constantly asking myself why.
I'm feeling very...
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Hi everyone. My Dad passed in November 2022 to suicide.. We were very close. I've been really struggling lately and I guess I want to just know, where/how can I begin to really grieve him?
I am heartbroken. My beautiful son, Trevor Brady, 28, died by suicide. Officially he passed on 11Aug24 although in our hearts he passed on 26Jul24.
Trevor had a drinking problem that began when he was away at college. He got help back then and was doing better for years. Until recently. He would disappear for a day or two with no contact to me, his Dad, his brothers or good friends. His employer made him go for help and to a personal therapist. He was doing better until he...
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Hi everyone,
Just found this forum this morning and so glad I did. My wife died in May of this year. There's been lots of ups and downs but this week was the first week my oldest step-daughter (18) came to visit overnight. We had a lovely time, talked some heavier stuff but not too much. My wife and her kids had a complicated history as with most divorced parents especially those with a parent who dies by suicide. My step-daughter went home yesterday and in the middle of the night last...
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Hello everyone, I have experienced multiple losses and with each one the hope for a bright future becomes more dim. The first was several years ago when my husband's 21 yo brother died of suicide. I was new to the family so the impact wasn't as traumatic for me as it was for my husband and his family. But I witnessed the tremendous pain and struggle it caused. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would happen again. But three years ago I left for work on what seemed like a completely...
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H's birthday passed this month. She would have been 29 years old. She is forever 26.
It has been two years and 3.5 months since she left us. Through education, anxiety treatment, and getting sober, I have made great strides in growing around my grief. But the grief has not gotten smaller. I just grew around it where I am able to see a bright future whereas before I could not. It sounds so silly speaking this way over someone that was in my life for only a short time, but the impact she had...
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I lost my son 9 years ago, and I know you all know the tatters of our lives we all have to pick up and somehow piece back together, I knew I was changed the moment it happened, I thought I would somehow put my life back together, and in a lot of ways I have, my kids have, but I'm just different, I don't want a big life anymore, I want to be alone most often, I changed careers after it happened and I have lost 2 jobs, I think because my brain just doesn't function the same, my focus is...
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My Dad has been my rock since my husband took his own life and tonight I’ve lost him to a heart attack . I’m devastated. He has held my hand in this horrible journey. What am I going to do without him. My healing heart is shattered again
I could never sleep with noise. Now I turn on the TV if I can't sleep and usually fall asleep with it still on. This explains it I guess.
Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary for my mom taking her life. This whole week has been hard but I'm terrified for tomorrow.
Will you all just leave something positive or your favorite poem/song lyrics. Something that as I'm going through tomorrow I can look at for a minute to make me smile?
We are in the path of Helene coming through Georgia. We’re all ready, it’s supposed to get to us around 7 am tomorrow.
The ONLY concern I have is having a tree fall on my sons’ trees and damaging them. We’ve had such heavy rain the last few days. When the earth is saturated and the wind blow the trees fall. I know it sounds crazy—I’m not afraid of one falling on the house but I’m afraid of one falling on my boys’ trees.
For those praying folk would you lift up my boys‘ trees for me. The...
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I am new here. This is not a place I ever thought I would be. I lost my beautiful, brilliant daughter on 8/25/24. She intentionally crashed her car. I cannot breathe from the guilt. I am her mom and I should have known. She struggled with transitions and was supposed to be moving back to college. She left myself, husband, and her brother and sister at her apartment that she was to move into for her last year of college telling us she needed to get the key to her apartment. We waited...
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Hi all, I’m so grateful to have found you. I’ve been attending online meetings pretty regularly and am relieved to have found a place to get support in between meetings. My partner J lost his lifelong mental health battle in Feb. I have moments of relief where I can see a bright future but today feels particularly hard. Brain fog, distraction, and lack of motivation to do anything, let alone work, are strong today. Trying to remember to be gentle and give myself grace. This loss is unlike...
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Hi, my name is Alexis. I lost my mom to suicide by gsw in January of this year. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 2 years old after her first attempt. When I got older, she was also diagnosed with Tarlov cyst disease. This caused her chronic back pain that even pain medication couldn’t relieve.
I stayed with my mom and sister over Christmas break in December. I returned to my college apartment two days before the new semester started. The next day my sister and I had...
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Ian was my partner, my love, my favorite person, my best friend. He died as I was giving him CPR on September 1st. I found him at his house barely breathing after I couldn't get a hold of him. I was thirty minutes late. He poisoned himself with Sodium Nitrate and I was too late to do anything that could save him. My CPR was even a wasted effort. I don't know how to continue on after this. I failed him. As his partner I should have been able to keep him safe. I should have been able to make...
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1M views · 96K reactions | No one’s above the luau in Hawaii! #hawaiivacation #dadjokes #dadjoke #punny #punnyjokes | Tiny Dice Buddies | stevewiltz_ · A Low HaNo one’s above the luau in Hawaii! #hawaiivacation #dadjokes #dadjoke #punny #punnyjokes. stevewiltz_ · A Low Hawww.facebook.com
My husband committed suicide just before the new year 2024. I miss him deeply. He never seemed suicidal He was healthy and always an inspiration to me.
I'm having a hard time coping due to the the situation. I'm coming to terms that he made the choice, though I still so don't understand why. He always said it was the neighbors, he loved me...
Sometimes, looking back, I'm grateful for not knowing the outcome.
I apologize if I'm being to dramatic, I just miss my husband so very...
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although I'm still early on in the aftermath it's still just a heavy weight , a dark cloud always glooming over me. I'm just so sad that I am never going to experience life with Jeff anymore. He's no longer on this earth and that makes me just fall to my knees Everytime because all I want is for us hug and hear his voice.
Hello everyone. Hope all is well since the last time we spoke. There are two ways looking forward to get involved in Southern WI. Tuesday I resume tennis lessons after an initial lesson back in May or June. The instructor hasn't been the most prompt with follow-up, but looking ahead I'm hopeful that things go smoother. I asked him if he ever needs volunteers for camps and he said not as of now. Tennis is a sport I've enjoyed playing most of my life, and I'm hopeful I can continue to refine...
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Good Afternoon everyone!!
I wanted to come here and share a sign that Sage sent to me. I had a really rough Friday night. When I got home, the autopsy report was in the mail. I was not going to read it, but curiosity got the best of me, and i opened the mail. Well I was shocked to say the least because while I knew the method, I didn't know exactly where it was. The report gave me a horrible visual, that I am still having a rough time dealing with. Well, that night was little to no...
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Good Morning everyone,
My name is Sheila Landry, I lost my son Sage on the 25th of July after losing his fight with depression and anxiety. I am very new on this journey, and i am looking for ways to connect with others that have had a similar loss. I am in lots of groups for parents that suffered the loss of a child, but something just hits you differently when it is a suicide. I am hoping to make these connections here, and through the other groups I have joined. I am in the greater New...
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I have a lot of guilt about my daughter's passing. I have always disliked guns they have terrified me, my husband is/was a big-time gun lover. I respected that but they always scared me. He sometimes would leave it on the nightstand and I would get upset it was left out. My fear of guns was horrible, maybe an instinct of what was to come. We took away my daughter's phone on a Tuesday because of bad grades and found she had downloaded social media and had other alarming things on her phone...
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This is one of those days where I am hoping typing things out will make me feel some relief. God bless anyone that reads my ramble but just hoping I feel better for putting it all out there.
Since my GFs death, my brain seems to have a done a good job of blocking out the images of her on the bathroom floor when I found her. For some reason my brain has decided to play it on infinite loop today and I haven't found a way to switch it back off.
Over the weekend I found the remainder of the...
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My son took his life one year ago this month. It was also my late mother's birthday. He was 31, a father, husband, and brother. He worked hard, supported a family of two young boys, and loved his family. I'm trying to learn to move forward. I still feel like I'm in a fog every day. I wish I could join him, but I know that's not okay. My children are all adults and dealing with it in different ways. I don't know how to help them. What do you do for Holidays, Birthdays, Death anniversary? I...
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One thing I started doing within a couple months of Joe's death was to read about other people's tragedies. It helped me to try to understand how people who found themselves in similar places survived and found meaning in life again. I read several memoirs by people who had survived far worse than me, like Sue Klebold's book, "A Mother's Reckoning," (talk about horror of horrors), Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," "Night" by Elie Weisel.
How do you survive when the most horrific...
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My beautiful 38 year old son decided to commit suicide 6 weeks ago. We don't understand why that afternoon he made the decision to end his life. We have struggled with understanding the why. He has a family (my husband, myself and two adult brothers) and a wonderful girlfriend who loved him very much. We are a very close family, that has always spent time together and stayed in contact with each other. All of us have entered therapy/counseling for grief and are still on that roller coaster...
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I remember Her . I remember You. I remember always our times together. I remember your kisses your hugs and your hands caressing my back of of my neck. I remember. I remember your paintings for me . I remember your snuggles and giggles before we finally fell asleep. I remember. I remember your love you held in your heart for Family,kiddos fir babies and I . I remember. I remember your massages and toe cracking..... You always made me fall asleep. You touch , your heart and smile will never...
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A lot of you might know this recipe. It is so good and has only 3 ingredients! Without flour, the pb really becomes pronounced. This makes 15-16 cookies using balls of dough a tablespoon in size. I can fit all the dough on one large cookie sheet.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F
1 c. sugar
1 c. peanut butter
1 large egg
Mix together. I've found the more you mix it, the firmer it gets and easier it is to handle. Roll into balls. You can then roll in sugar if you want. Use a fork to flatten...
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I still don't understand how this happened. I try to figure out why my brother would do it. I just keep thinking how could he leave me. We were more then siblings we were friends. He's always on my mind and always in my heart. But not being able to see him and do things together is hard to take. How could he be hurting so much and I didn't know it. I'm so angry at myself for not seeing it. I miss him so much
Today I was able to finally open my case of with an Amethystone bracelet and necklace. I wore it for the first time. My grandmother left this to me with her goodbye card to me to wear the jewelry and it suppose to help me remember her as I get older at least that's what she stated. To me I can never forget her but I am happy she left it to me. It was very difficult to do but once I had it on I let out all my tears and remembered all of our amazing memories together. In this moment this...
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Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my brother. We were celebrating my son’s 21st birthday at Ford’s Garage. It was a very nice visit with cousins seeing each other. We texted each other regularly until March, when he started to plan his passing. He passed on May 29. Now, his widow is selling their house and it feels like everything changed in a blink of an eye. From what I can tell, my brother pulled a George Bailey. He felt he was worth more dead than alive...
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I woke up today feeling some guilt today. Could I have done more said more. Kept her here longer 2 days before this happened she came over. Could I have changed anything? I don't know. Sometimes it's still so surreal. I'm 6 months out now and I have felt this shift is this normal a
My oldest son is blaming me for what happened to my younger son. His aunt has convinced him that this is all my fault. My husband and I have been accused of being terrible parents and a lot of strange accusations which are not true. My oldest son is moving in with her (we live in Ohio, and she lives in Nebraska). They are in town now to get his things, but demand that I not be in my own house when they do this. My husband got advice from his work where is supervisor is a social worker...
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I lost my brother to suicide three years ago. He was struggling in so many ways. He'd always been an emotional person. But 6 years ago we lost our mother to a devastating stroke. I would say that my brother and my mother were best friends. He was the one sibling who lived closest to her and found her in the bathroom after the stroke. He harbored so much guilt about not finding her sooner. Then his wife left him, he lost his job, he spend money recklessly, and in the end, he lost...
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Next week will be the two year marker since my brother took his life. Two years since he made his decision and rented the hotel room for 5 days. After more than five days had passed the police broke into that hotel room. So I've no idea if the date the coroner gave us on his time of death us is an absolute, but I suppose that's not of so much importance. An estimate as good as any other and not worth dwelling over. One more unknowable.
I'd been doing well for some months, and now I am not...
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It's been almost 20 years the day my 13 year old son took his life with a firearm after an argument. He deliberately made a choice to explore the ideation by breaking in to a safe, behind a locked bedroom door. After leaving me notes, assigning me the blame and "to get a better safe next time," he was found by my neighbor in our home alone when I asked them to check on him because he was not answering the telephone.
The moments of that day remain with me, and each time they appear to me...
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but I’ve had health issues. Total knee replacement in July among other things. Some may remember me. Jason’s Mom. I lost him in November 2019 and found AOH about six months later. You all saved me. But I’d like to get your thoughts on my sister’s recent text which was said in a group text with four of my brothers. Her remarks to me, totally off subject, are as follows: ‘It’s not all about you.’
‘You were lucky to have Jason for 41 years. If you had put him on antidepressants he’d probably...
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When my mom died I thought “now there is nothing standing between me and old age”. When Charles died I thought “now there is nothing standing between me and death”.
Who am I now? What am I doing today, right now in this Blah of existence? I'm so Deeply Hurt inside , it has became a BLAH!I'm trying everything to overcome how I found my Wife . I'm really trying!!! I now co exist with my job of trauma in a field that demands more of me. I'm coexisting with it all!!! BLAH! I'm now in the reality of BLAH! As I listen to a tune of remembering our lives together.
Cheap Trick, The Flame!
Miss Her So Much!!
Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, October 6th.
**In 2024, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.
Please note: The deadline for signing up will end at 6:00 PM Central Time on the Friday prior to any given call.
Community Sunday calls will take place on the first Sunday of each month.*
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We remember, that doesn't even begin to describe it.. It's been 5 years today since you left. Even still it's more like "how could we ever forget!" I will never forget your laugh, your goofy faces, your sly wit, your confidence. I will never forget how you seemed older than me which is categorically impossible since I was your Ma. I looked up to you. You achieved so much than I ever could. I am afraid that as time marches on without mercy it will carry precious bits and pieces of your memory...
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I am sitting in the ER right now with my elderly mother. She has been experiencing health issues for awhile, and what brought her her tonight has been occurring for about a month. We left my dad, who has dementia, at home. When she called me for help, I had a mild panic attack. This has only happened to me once before, about 4 years ago when she called under similar circumstances. Luckily, my husband is here to support me.
We lost our daughter in May. She was in the ICU for 10 days before...
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Hi, 3 months ago my ex husband and the father to my 3 kids took his own life. He had suffered mental illness for over 20 years, on and off, but I never thought he'd do this. It was my son who found him. My heart is breaking seeing my kids in so much pain, especially my son who 'cant get the image out of his head' as well as dealing with my own grief. The pain is crushing. Its very difficult to talk to my current husband as it isn't his grief so I'm reaching out as I feel I'm going to explode.
Joined a walk a thon for suicide prevention and awareness. Great feedback and donations!; it has been hard and an eye opener! Donations pouring in can't wait to meet all at this event !
I have had so much trouble feeling connected to my daughter Maxine. I often say my own grief gets in my way of feeling her, sensing her around me. I look for ways to connect and always feel the disappointment of nothing. My son seems to feel her everyday which amazes me. He is so open and he is sure of her happiness in an afterlife. Max loved swans, they held such a special place in her life. We live by a nature reserve and I know there are swans that live there, some year round, some not...
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I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I found him after coming home with our 3 and 4 year old children. They did not see. My oldest turned 5 yesterday. I am so mad. I feel so much pain it’s unbearable. When they speak about him I feel my heart being ripped out. I can’t believe a person would have children, two sweet, innocent girls and then do this to them. I can’t understand it. I can’t forgive and I am having a hard time dealing with the pain.
Hi I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I have 2 young kids and I feel like the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to live with this.
My coworker lost her dog. It was very sick, so she enlisted the help of a vet. I brought her flowers, knowing this can be very difficult. She said, "It's just like losing a child. You know how hard it is! I thought of you all last night as I cried."
I know I am getting stronger, because I took this for what it was, a completely inappropriate comparison. I also found myself thinking, "I hope you never lose a child and realize how so very wrong you are."
For the record, I did lose my 17...
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I lost my beautiful big hearted boy 12 weeks ago today (10th of June). He was just 17 years old and it was his sisters 20th birthday. He adored his sister and would never have wanted to cause this pain but it's incomprehendable he caused this immense pain to us all on her special day. My dream was always to have four kids. 9 Pregnancies later my dream came true. When my son became unwell I tried everything. I quit my business as a wellbeing coach (so ironic) a job which I adored and I...
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Two weeks ago, my son in law took his life, leaving behind his wife and four kids (blended family of two each). He loved his family and life. We loved him. Everyone is devastated. To see everyone so sad just tears me up inside.
My wife died three years ago from cancer. I'm really still grieving her. I didn't join any groups or therapy at that time. But I've needed it. Now, well, it's different. This loss is so senseless.
'I'm alone in my grief.'
More times then not I have absolutely felt alone in my grief.
I believe that feelings are not always fact. In the case of the loss of Jess, Alone in my grief is real.
I have people in my life I can share with. Some close others on forums like this.
A truth, at times, I want to be alone in my grief not from a victim place, but an intimate place with Jess.
I just read the article “The Suicidal Trance”. My daughter took her life 3 months ago leaving a husband and two little kids behind. We found out later she was suffering with a hormonal problem called PMDD which causes a negative reaction in the brain to the normal fluctuations in hormones. She had a dangerous case of postpartum depression after the birth of her second child which resulted in hospitalization twice and unsuccessful response to medications. She pulled herself out of it and...
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I became profoundly sad last night. Yesterday was back to back obligations and rushing around. Work, to car in shop, to babysitting, and trying to fit dog walk in, etc. I started the day draggy and tired. Irritated too.
The day was fun and busy but I have been ready for a break lately and wanting to find Helena somewhere.
Where are you?
I have that off balance, confused feeling. I want you. I want you to be in your cute apartment with your two cute cats and boyfriend who loves you.
I want to...
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I was 23 (24 now). My mom had terminal cancer. My dad, who had been her primary caretaker, didn't come home from work. I remember feeling most worried about my mom and whether she would be okay when I left that night to look for him. I went to his office building, a large mill building in the town over. It was completely locked, but I knew I needed to get in. A man working for the bank downstairs happened to be going into his office late that night, so I managed to get in. After running 5...
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We just confirmed that I am co-facilitating a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Family to Family class this fall, which helps people who have a loved one with a mental health issue learn about mental health conditions, support resources, communication techniques, etc to better support them.
This is a class my wife and I took during my son Nathaniel’s battle with mental illness, and then after his death I became certified to teach it.
We will hold the class at a brand new community...
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Hi there
It’s been 3 months since I’ve lost my stepdad, although he raised me since I was very young, so I would say more like my actual dad. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before, and to lose someone like this is so overwhelming, confusing and heartbreaking. Not only am I struggling with the grief, but it breaks my heart knowing that what my mom is going through must be so much worse, and just trying to be strong for her. My mom actually told me about this community and it sounds like...
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Hi there,
I am new here and we (Ma and Pa, elderly) have lost our 24 years old daughter on 4th of may 2024. Since that day we are struggling to get our feet back on the ground and our thoughts and emotions under control. She had merely finalized her University degree thesis and would not want to wait for the final results.
Active we never saw anything coming and her last day was actually a good one, apart from this disastrous decision she took. Her boy-friend found her and it was me to cut...
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During my usual Sunday/weekend musings, this memory popped into my mind.
So Gene was an only child with his bio parents and had 3 step siblings with his father's 2nd wife. I am the youngest of 10 and all of my siblings have average 6 kids each. Those kids also carry on the have babies gene, lol
So I met Gene on an Monday at my employment site. We fell fast and hard for each other right from the gate. One of my nieces had just a baby so that following weekend we went to visit her and the...
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I don't even know how to start; this has been so complex. My mom was a vibrant force, with the voice of an angel and a smile that could light up a room. She had a heart to nourish and cherish all who came into her life. After my dad died 6 years ago, she was lost. A widower came into her life and wooed her to marriage less than a year later. All was well and beautiful, so we thought. In December of 2023, she had surgery, and we didn't hear from her, and he wouldn't return our messages. My...
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My husband passed away 9 1/2 years ago. I still have all his clothes, they even came with me when I moved to a new house 7 years ago. They are all boxed up and in the garage.
Recently I have started to feel that I may be able to get rid of some of them, and this is messing with me because I never thought I would be able to get rid of them and I feel like I am letting him go in a way which makes me feel awful
I heard this from a show.
One father lost his son to a work accident. Another man talked badly to the father who lost his son.
Years later, the judgmental father lost his daughter.
The two fathers meet and the father of the daughter says to the father who lost his son, "I didn't know the pain you were in. I'm so sorry.'
I didn't know Jess' pain and she didn't know mine. Why? Because we didn't talk about our pain with each other.
Not sure how this will help me heal, the scene made me pause...
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I lost my sister and best friend, Hope, on August 6th, 2024. I’m still in disbelief, my brain wants to make sense of it all but I just can’t. It feels like a never ending loop. I miss her so fiercely, I have so many wonderful memories of her, we became step siblings when I was 13 and she was 14. Even thought our parents divorced after some years, we developed a close bond. She was Aunty Hope to my son and one of my very best friends. Many years ago, I struggled with my own attempt, I called...
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Spending a whole week with my Wife and that day all day with Her. How Could she do this .... a alone and to be honest scared of that loneliness. I miss Her so Badly!!!!!! For the record I feel like like a rock in a hard PLACE! Music sorta helps ....
I lost my friend to suicide June of this year. I never reached out for help because I’m still in shock about it. This is my first step of trying to help myself for her. I want to live my life honoring her, but I haven’t really been living.
I’m starting a huge transition. I’m going back to school next week. It’s a tough program that I can rarely take time off from and what time I am allowed I need to save for my toddler daughter who will no doubt get sick quite often at daycare just like she did last year.
But my brother’s birthday is in three weeks. And I’ll have to go to class. I’m dreading it. It’s only been three months since he passed.
I already warned my husband when I get home, I can’t handle our three kids, I can’t...
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I lost my friend to suicide June of this year she was only 21. I find it a struggle getting through day to day life knowing that I could’ve helped her. I was in the house with her, I saw her crying yet I didn’t help her. I walked to her door and was going to talk to her but I stopped. You might wonder why I didn’t help her? Something prior before happened and I was mad at her. I had a feeling something like that was going to happen and now I have to live with this guilty feeling. I miss her...
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I'm not sure how to put this. But it's so hard watching life go on for so many who haven't experienced a loss like this.Im not sure how to put this subject into words. Social media doesn't help either.Its just so hard. I feel so lost at times. It's been 6 months now. It's hard to do anything clean laundry pay bills. It's such a daunting tasks which were fine before this happened. Life is But a challenge for me now.
I have the life and the memories before my son passed, and I find myself focusing n them all quite a lot. Then I have today and the moments that have happened since he took his life and I don't feel I am a part of those. I feel like we are both missing from my life now. I am there, I smile I participate, but I don't seem to actually feel anything.
Hi everyone. Thanks for providing a safe place for yet another post.
My dad died at the end of April. Since then I've moved halfway around the world and am about to start my doctorate. I'm freshly 22, but I feel so old and worn, and I just don't know that I'm going to make it. I don't feel like a child anymore. I lost my father, whom I loved dearly, and then I had to leave the friend I loved more than anything in this life - probably even more than life itself. She's in bed now because I'm...
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I have lost my closest sibling, my oldest sibling moved across the country without so much as a goodbye, my father has completely shut down, and my mom has aged about 15 years. The family I grew up in has completely disappeared. A bomb went off and I am barely holding it together for my own family. My husband behaves as if I should have gotten over this after a few months. Will this ever get better?
Joe would turn 42 today. He died at 40, about 2.5 months before his 41st. I always think of him as 40 -- the age I am now. In fact, I'm older now than when he died, by just about a month. I've now lived longer than he did. If I were on the same path as him, I'd be dead. But, for whatever reason, I'm not and he is.
I thought I was doing ok, but now there's a weight resting on my chest -- the same weight and dread and sadness as throughout the whole thing. Last year -- the first year -- we...
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I got Zach’s fingerprint and some writing from a letter he wrote today, I really dislike Tuesdays for the last 8 weeks since that’s the day of the week it happened but at least now I have a little better memory of a Tuesday! I miss my baby boy more than words would ever be able to describe, I talk to him daily but I have never cried so much in my life and felt such a heart ache. Hoping grief counseling will help when I start it next week. Zach’s mom f30
I am at a loss for words, I lost my 19-year-old son earlier this month to suicide. I am in counseling and went to a support group meeting earlier today where I learned about this website.
It’s been 9 months since I lost my mom. I still feel lost and depressed.
I recently found out that my dad’s girlfriend, who he told me was just somebody to pass the time with, is actually somebody that he is saying “I love you” to. He spends holidays with her and often talks about how much he enjoys spending time with her child.
My brother’s grief and my own are so different that we can’t relate to or console each other (we’ve never had a good relationship anyway).
My boyfriend has...
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My sons were 19 & 16 when their father took his life. It’s been five years and I have tried with doctor appointments which they have both seen once, and got medication. They both stopped as they felt it didn’t work. I have asked them if therapy would be an option. They don’t feel like it’s for them. I have went to therapy back when it first happened. We have attended two suicide annual events in the five years. The last one was two years ago and they spoke up to other kids that are more...
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Previously I shared about offering my son's ashes to Pyramid Lake. Allow me to roll back two days to another point on this journey of reflection. Some background, first. My parents retired to Anderson Valley in Northern California around 40 years ago. They had a happy rural life there, raising sheep and loving their community. Age caught up with them in 2021, first for my mom, and then shortly thereafter for my dad. My sister and I discussed with dad where to put mom's ashes and landed on...
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Hello everyone,
I lost my ex husband to suicide. We had two boys who were 19 & 16 at the time of the loss. I am trying to navigate this process. Our son who is now 21 is really struggling and I am here for help.
Thanks
Hello to you All. New to the from. Recently lost my younger brother to suicide So posted in the sibling loss thread. It's been a very hard 2 weeks.
Hey. New to the forum so not sure how this goes but here goes... I found out my younger brother (whom I was very close with) had hung himself just over 2 weeks ago. I chatted to him every 2/3 days and nothing seemed severely off. He relocated to another country just over a year ago and started to build a new life. Was doing well at work but complained of being broke often due to cost of living. I had just visited him 2 months back along with my wife for a brief 1 week holiday. It was great...
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I just lost my 32-year-old youngest daughter to suicide this past week. I can barely write the words let alone feel them in my heart. I ache for her. All I can do is be silent or cry. Words seem to elude me. How can I possibly withstand this pain, I ask myself. She was my world. She was beautiful inside and out, completely herself and always searching for answers. I wish I could have helped her when she needed it most. I hope that she forgives me from her place in heaven for all ways in...
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Today we will finally receive all of the final items my dad had
The note included as well as the bad thing
My heart is crushed my soul feels as if it is no more
I want to hide in the dark forever and only sleep so theres no more pain
Yet i can not do only those things for life demands we must keep in motion
But how my soul is in agony
Hello, I wish I could say I'm glad to be here, but like you, I am not. My husband of 25 yrs took his life on October 2023. I am approaching the 1 anniversary. I continue to live in a fog. I'm scared about everything. My children are grown but still live close.
10 months have passed and I still live on the verge of tears. I feel incomplete and broken.
I am glad to have found this forum to hear from others and learn from your experiences. I am sorry that we are here, but it will be nice to...
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3 weeks ago my life changed forever. I can't see a happy future. I was close to him and in the delivery room with my daughter the day he was born. In June my family was all together for a week at a cottage we rented. None of us saw any signs..he was happy and involved. He was a brilliant, talented, generous, loving young man. I don't understand
I lost my adult son, Nate to suicide in Jan. 2023 and since then, I've been dealing with physical ailments, which have been very challenging and worrisome to me. Before Nate died, I was a very healthy, active 63 year old who took care of herself - ate healthy, exercised regularly, didn't smoke or drink. Six weeks after his death, I had walking pneumonia, followed by a diagnosis of bronchiectasis, which is a chronic lung condition. Later that year, I had gastritis, followed by...
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I wanted to show my daughter how the phosphorescent plankton lit up the beach. I’d only seen it once, when I was a teenager. It was pure magic, the way it illuminated our bodies. My friends and I wrote our names with shimmering light particles in the sand. I would never forget that night.
Knowing my daughter would delight in the plankton’s beauty, just as she loved all things that sparkled and glowed, the tacky fiber-optic lamp with its tinny music box, the glow-in-the-dark bracelets she...
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I just lost my fiance to suicide 2 days ago. I'm 32 and she was my whole world for 8 years, a quarter of my life. I feel horribly guilty for not loving her more and showing affection when she needed it the most. My world is turned upside down and I don't know how to live on without her. I'm from California and looking to join any support groups for spouses so please let me know.
My son’s father died 1.5 weeks ago. My son (16) planned everything from the graveside to the receiving of friends. He’s using humor as a way to cope.
This weekend was hard….he has volleyball tryouts and he did not perform well. Who could have with such an unimaginable loss just the week prior? He buried his father two days prior. I was proud of him for even showing up for the weekend long try out.
But this would be the time his father would help encourage him, build him up, keep him...
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……people would ask me about my children. That question seems to be an ice breaker when you meet someone. “Do you have kids? How many? What do they do?”
Id proudly answer: Four. Boys. Then talk about their ages, activities, plans, etc.
When they were little, some people would assume I’d been “trying for that girl”. Not many people these days have four kids. “Nope“, I’d reply, “ I just wanted four kids. The gender didn’t matter.”
And my dreams, my prayers, my hope, my dreams were answered...
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As I was in guilt about Jess and my relationship, I was reminded that her friends with whom she was close could not stop her.
Softened my guilt.
M
4,640 miles is a lot of time to reflect. I finally returned home yesterday from a journey of closure. My son wanted to go back to the place of his birth, and the lake we use to visit for family picnics seemed like an ideal place to put him to rest. I arrived before dawn and was greeted by a flock of seagulls who looked on silently but with interest. They parted to let me through to the water but showed no alarm or tendency to flee; it was like they knew why I was there. A strong warm breeze...
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I have the title warrior 11 but really it's because my beautiful daughter was the warrior who died Aug 11..... 11 is an angel number. Desiree struggled for years with depression...she was very compassionate and felt deeply. I sat with her many days and nights as she fought threw her thoughts and feelings .the pain she endured and confusion.she did seek help but we could never nail down a successful treatment. When someone goes months even years and seems fine you think.oh there cured. She...
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Hello, I found this forum during a wave of intense anger for our situation and desperately seeking ways to start the heeling process. My son is 16, we recently relocated back to our home state after 12 years in another state, he was starting a new school and trying out for a new volleyball club.
My son’s father completed suicide on 8/7. We were not together and had not been together for most of my son’s life, however, we were co-parenting champs after a lifetime of trial and error. During...
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I am posting in this thread to ask for help, please. I am a mom who lost my 18 year old daughter 3 months ago. I have a 16 year old son, and I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to support him during this time. As an adult, I lost my brother, not to suicide. This is so different.
Is there anything that anyone has said to you, or done for you, that has made a difference in your healing as you navigate the loss of your sibling?
Thank you in advance for your ideas!
Hello, I lost my older brother to suicide on 7/18/2024. I am supposed to return to work tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect and feel very apathetic towards my job right now. I’m worried because I struggle with anxiety and ability to concentrate and remember things. Does anyone have any advice for the first day back? How did you mentally prepare? What was your experience like? How did you communicate expectations with managers? Any advice is appreciated!
I lost my son, Zack, 66 days ago. I visit his grave every morning. As I sit here, I realize that the only part I lost of him is his body. Our relationship developed and grew between our souls. So our bond, our closeness is still in tact. His soul is alive and well. Free. And better than it’s ever been. And mine is longing for him. The challenge now is how do we stay connected in this new dynamic…
I lost my step son to suicide on February 24, 2024. I miss him everyday and it has been really hard. I was so close with him, and I was his go to as a mother. His real mother didn't take the time to help him because she was always on drugs. He was a great kid and didn't deserve his life to end this way. He would have given the shirt off his back for anyone. I am the same way I would help anyone who needed it. He loved hard and would give his all to every situation. He will be loved every day...
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I woke up this morning and it dawned on me why I’m so sad around my birthday without my mom being here. It’s the second one without her. I realized why (not that I need a reason). My birthday was never a big deal for me but it always was for her. Mama’s love. And so today, it makes more sense. My birthday was her special day.
I know it’s one day at a time but the curiosity in me wonders if next year won’t be as intense now that I’ve had this brief epiphany.
Anyway, I had a sweet time...
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Hey there - I'm Trixie. I'm new to the forum. I am sending love to all of you who have lost someone to suicide. I am so sorry for your loss I'm really missing my brother today. Please send me some love, encouragement and support. Thanks
It has been 3 years since I lost my husband. I have four children and I think I am still numb to some degree. There were circumstances unknown until the day of his suicide. It has been hard trying to process it all. I know I should go to counseling but I find it more painful.
My decision to become a nurse followed years of watching MASH one of my all time favorite TV shows. There was something so appealing to me about the idea of being a nurse in A setting such as that. Feeling you could make a difference—save lives.
But….as a senior in nursing school I found myself pregnant. (Ok, I know, you don’t just FIND yourself pregnant). But I was pregnant with Johnny. He was 4 months old when I graduated. I have shared on my main page a picture of him and me at my...
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I stopped talking to my mother last November. She took her life August 4th. I was so angry with her as she has attempted suicide again and again. The last thing I said to her was that I didn't love her because I loved her, I loved her because I had to love her. Now my mother's gone. I can never take that back.
I did something today that brought me joy. I went to the largest daylily sale in the country. I love daylilies. I bought several of them and bought several for friends. It makes me feel good to spread joy to others. My youngest daughter even noted that I seemed “in a good mood today” and“happy”. I think I was. I didn’t last all day but that’s OK. It felt good to feel good for just a little bit.
The photo is one of the lilies I bought today.
Why am I afraid to go adventuring out ? I yearn for it ! As I yearn for her presence again. I miss her and I'm going knee deep into woods where we use to camp . I'm afraid sone way . Why ? I wanna go anyway! No Fear ! I have to .....loaded up Range Rover and I'm ready! Can I though? Why am I scared to go?
There is this butterfly I've seen a couple of days at the same time, at this green leafy bush on a trail I walked many times with C. My first thought was that it wasn't a gorgeous butterfly or an especial one. It was white, a tiny bit of orange shades on the sides. Not too big, not too small. I saw her one evening, the following evening she was at the same spot. I stopped and observed her, as she was flying around. The bush does not have flowers, so it was very intriguing for me. This...
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My name is Denise,
On April 27, 2012, my bright and beautiful daughter Emily took her life using a handgun that We thought was safely stored in our garage.
Emily was a sophomore in college, She was to take her last final, Anatomy, that morning.
We were planning on taking a family vacation once the school year ended.
We had no idea that she had not slept for 2 days, had taken Adderal so that She could stay awake to study.
We did not know the desperation that She must have been feeling or...
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Hi, I'm a father and grandpa. I just lost my handsome cowboy to suicide my baby went home to Jesus August 14th 2024. Right before his 21st birthday on September 8, 2024. And I need this group to survive. How can I live without him? I feel like I can't breath. How can I face another day without my boy? He left behind a baby girl 23 moths old and another baby girl on the way due next month in November. How in the world did you all do it?
Why did she do it ? Why ? Oh, how I Cry ! Why? Why did any of em do it? Why oh, how we all cry!; why?
My baby girl fought for several years. Mental anguish that crippled you. We tried hospital stay..meds helped sometimes..COVID hit and help was hard to come by. It was a relief to see you doing better the last 2 years. The pregnancy and birth of your son. You put all your attention there. You masked your symptoms..so e times I could see you were starting to slip back down that dark hole. Some days I stayed with you and cried with you for hours...I do blame myself...I was there that day. I...
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I learned of your thoughts of suicide 13 years before you carried through. I watched and worried and, in subtle ways, would attempt to ask how your were doing. You were unable to share your feelings and often would become irritable if I asked directly. But on the days that you felt open enough, you would answer simply, “I’m not going anywhere, dear.” You responded this way many times. Each time I would relax with it. And, in my roughest days since your death, I’ve become angry that your were...
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My husband was an amazing person. He was a great dad. When we got together I already had 3 kids and my youngest daughter was made him want to be a daddy. He actually knew my daughter before he knew me cause of my best friend babysitting my daughter. He loved helping people. My husband was very goofy when it was just me and him. He was only 34 years old when he decided it was his time to go.
I'm Babasg1rl. My husband killed himself 8 days ago. We had been separated for a month. We were married for 14 years and together for 15 years. He took his life 1vmonth and 1 day after our 15 year anniversary.
Today we passed our final inspection on our house my husband and I helped buy with our kids.
This was an emotional moment both happy and sad. This move in our lives was supposed to be better for all of us, however my husband left us before the house was finished. I’m so sad he isn’t here to see it and start enjoying our time landscaping and the many other projects that we talked about.
My son had to stay out on the road last night for work, so myself, daughter and daughter in law had to do...
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It seems like yesterday.
it seems like 8 years.
i hope he is at peace.
i hope he and his brothers are up to their silly shenanigans.
i hope they know how much I love & miss them.
One of my partners friends told me a long time ago that when someone dies, you can almost be closer to them, because they are always with you in a way that in life, they aren’t.
I kind of understood what he meant. I’m reading a memoir about grief and trying to get justice for a horrible murder — it’s written by a woman whose sister was the victim of intimate partner homicide at age 20. It’s called “Liliana’s Invincible Summer” and it’s very good. These lines reminded me of what Joe’s...
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This seems like such a good group to reach out to. I still struggle a lot and feel like I'm stuck in this pain. My brother took his life 38 years ago. I'm wondering if there is anyone that has been dealing with this this long and how do you do it
I lost my precious grandson to suicide July 21, 2024 at the age of 19. I had no clue or I would have done anything to help him. There’s not a night that goes by that I don’t recall my daughters phone call and the word she said.. I am on this forum because I want to help my daughter. They were all home when it happened. She and my son-in-law and 12 year-old grandson found him. As most of you know, she constantly has this picture of her precious son replayed over and over in her mind. How do I...
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I am in multiple groups due to my son's passing on 3/24/24 (almost 5 months). One of those is Compassionate Friends, and it's for anyone who has lost a child. So I am in this group and there are drug overdoses, car crashes, cancer, etc. and I had the strangest thought. These people are "lucky" as they have an answer why their loved one passed away. I know it's strange and wrong, but I was almost envious. I walk by my son's photo's everyday and ask, why did you do that - and what...
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My fiancé took his life in front of me. I am shattered beyond belief. I can’t breathe. I have started counseling.
Thank you so much to all who supported our Sponsor the Forum campaign.
Last night, at the end of the campaign, we reached and surpassed our goal!
A special shout out to @heather Heather Shadur, who works so hard year-round to raise the funds needed to sustain support for loss survivors.
I am enormously grateful to all in this community for your financial support of Alliance of Hope and for the kindness that is a hallmark of our community.
With...
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Glad to have found this group. I lost my wife 8 years ago and it doesn't get any easier but I've learned to cope. I found her and was diagnosed with PTSD from the event. It's something that I'll never get out of my head. Meds have helped but there's been so much death in my world for the past 8 years. I'm not sure what resources there are if anyone has advice but it would be much appreciated. I've talked to a few counselors but the advice wasn't helpful and made me feel worse. My so-called...
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Nick Cave is a rockstar, author, film maker and now unexpected advice columnist. He is also a man who has lost two sons to tragedy. I'm sharing this one because it gives me a sense of hope for the future. I wish I had the ability to write as beautiful as Nick Cave and so many of you here. I cannot, but I can share his words and hope it gives you some sense of peace today
Nick Cave - The Red Hand Files - Issue #270 - Not a question at all. On Sat the 30 December my beautiful 16yo son Murray took his own life. He was contacted online by what he believed was a girl he knew. He was extorted and then panicked, hanging hiDear Mark,As confronting and difficult as it is to read, I am printing your letter in full. I receive letters like this all too often...www.theredhandfiles.com
Today was one of those days when it hit me harder. It comes in waves I can be having a decent day and then a wave of sadness goes over me. Maybe something triggered it that I didn't notice or it is random. I sometimes get frustrated because dealing with this grief is so unpredictable and everything I do I can randomly get sad out of no where. I just take it as this shows me how much I miss them and loved them and it's a good thing. Just can be exhausting. We got this. Day by day they will...
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Hello. We lost our son November of 2022. We found his body. I am confused by my Mom's behavior. She has always been there for me. She cried along with my wife and I for the last 19 months. She misses him and loves him unconditionally. She completely planned his service. Everything.
We all know people who were friends that got weird. Some drifted away, some said things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy regarding suicide. Here is what I do not understand. If I tell my mom...
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Hi everyone, thank you so much to all who have participated so generously in helping us raise the funds to underwrite the forum services and staff. We are so close to our final goal with just $740 to raise at the time of this writing.
Please consider a donation to our annual Sponsor the Forum campaign, if you are in a position to do so.
2024 Forum Sponsorship Campaignsupport.allianceofhope.org
Thank you so much,
Ronnie
My brother is 4 years old then I am. I was 21 years old when he decided life here was to hard. He was always smiling. Loved talking to people. He would do anything he could for the people he loved. He had a laugh that you could hear from the other room. He liked working at our family business because he got to be with our Dad and other siblings. He was fun to be with. We would go out once a week to some bar around town and shoot pool. Drinking soda and playing pool. Laughing and talking till...
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Today I went to a bookstore that was one of the places my mom, brother and I would go together. I hadn't been back in that store since he died because I thought the memories would be too difficult. I decided to go today and also ask that the spirit of my brother join me. As I went in, I felt joy & happiness. I perused the bookshelves, chatted with other customers and exchanged recommendations. One lady recommended a book and described it as having a family "working through problems". She may...
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My husband died in 2022 and I still fall apart publically, so I think I need counseling or something. I have 5 kids and was married for 21 years. I would like to join a support group online I think, for wives, but I can't figure out how to. The last few months he was alive were so afwful, I have a lot of conflicting emotions. I mostly just want to get to a place where I dont cry so easily in front of others.
So #3 son is all we have left. Y’all all know how this makes me feel. Devastated is putting it mildly.
3 Son is going through a lot of issues. Most obviously the loss of his three brothers and finding himself an “only child” suddenly. What a huge loss for him.
Now, he is facing the possible/probable loss of his wife. I mean how much can a guy take, right? My heart is devastated for him. He loves her dearly. I love her dearly. She is his soul mate. Even I know they were meant to be...
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My older brother drenched his childhood clothes in gasoline, put them on, and lit himself on fire in front of my dad’s house on 7/18/2024. Yesterday I found a note in his room talking about drilling a hole in my dad’s head. He had plans to kill him but backed out.
I had no idea he was so sick. He was never treated for schizophrenia or bipolar but the detectives who read the note asked if he was schizophrenic. I feel ashamed to tell anyone this. I don’t even feel like I can relate to other...
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This morning I remembered how C would laugh and love my silliness and goofiness. It is so wonderful when two people laugh, have fun, are happy, feel joy together! I didn't have that with him 24/7, as we also struggled a lot and stress or anxiety was always present, but we had that soul connection since the very first time we met. He would get my jokes! That feels so wonderful! I miss those moments of connection, of playfulness, where we would laugh together and just be, enjoy the present...
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Sally Taylor talking about suicide loss, the grief, the guilt... But best of it all, she talks about learning how to connect with your loved one.
My brother died in 1986. It still seems like yesterday. After all this time I'm still struggling. I have a hard time with still feeling guilty that I could have done more. I don't know what to do.
So we are coming up to her birthday in 3 days. And I have been taking care my mom who came home from the hospital about a week ago, along with my dad. We are so busy. She is using a walker and recovering from a back surgery.
Helena has come up in conversation regularly.
The same way many other family members have as we go through our activities of hygiene and eating and exercising in their condo.
Mom and I have cried together. And on one day, she really cut loose with some tears and some...
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I know I'm a sane man . I know when I donated her clothing to a women's shelter and a church it included all her shoes as well.
So , I went to go into closet which I cleaned out thoroughly..! And I found her witch's costume which I kept but not the boots and find her last of her shirts on the floor of the closet plus the witches hat . Then , I went to put things back into their place .. found her purple boots and was taken back and flabbergasted like what? Not only that her shirts...
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Hello all. My brother violently took his life on July 16, 2024. He came to visit me on June 4, and I knew he was saying goodbye. I called the VA and his local pd, and both marked him safe after interviewing him. He died six weeks later. He was angry that I intervened and stopped speaking to me. I backed off and gave him space. I think I should have tried harder to help him. I think I let him down.
So the past week, I've actually been able to do tasks around our house. Frankly, it feels good to not be steeped in indescribable grief. Here's the caveat.....out of the blue I'm brought to my knees by the pain. I'm not thinking about my son, just keeping busy so that I can feel a bit better. With these bouts of sadness, I cry and sob uncontrollably, like I did right after his passing. Of course they pass but they're exhaustive. I absolutely adored my Michael......so if this is what...
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Two weeks ago my nephew died by suicide. I am at lost on why he did this. My family members are all trying to grasp his death, this way he died, and understanding his last actions. I am angry, hurt, and mad at him! And…lost! Lost in what to do now that he is gone so suddenly. I’m here hoping this community can help me grieve and I guess adjust to life without him in it. This is a new world to me as he and I were I year apart and I have no memories in a world without him.
When I was younger I had to go up fast to take care of myself. I had different priorities than the other kids too. I worked hard for money for 10 years to my mom a gravestone. Then my grandma help me get it. I cherish every moment with the people I care for. I do believe my depression makes it more difficult to do things but I just push through and many people don't understand me but I relies that's ok they don't need to understand. I missed out on a lot but try not to focus on that because...
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Hi Team AOH,
I was getting ready to go to bed... but I just had a deep thought that I wanted to share.
I am the kind of guy who just fakes being positive all the time in my daily life at work (but not on the forum). I always try to be positive and upbeat, even when I am extremely blue and close to losing hope in my personal life.
Tonight I realized that a lot of our loved ones were doing the same thing. They didn't tell us they were suicidal and told us everything was good when it was not...
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I found an old video on my phone today where we are on a golf cart in Catalina. He is joking and laughing and just hearing his voice hurts like hell. It’s almost two years and I am hurting just as much as day one. Maybe more because I am no longer in shock. It’s real. He is never coming back.
Hi there
I just wondered (and I think I may have asked this before) whether anybody has struggled to hold down a relationship following suicide loss? Ive been seeing a man for nearly 2 years and it's hard to give the full picture here, but it's been going generally well although I had some niggles from the start etc. But I've found on many occasions (he is a kind, lovely, nice man), that he does something that causes huge feelings of hurt/upset/rejection/anger. I think on the surface they...
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Hi there
I thought I was doing better in my life generally but recently I've dipped again. I'm wondering where I went wrong with my life? I'm realising looking around me that most of my friends (not all tbf) are married to husbands who are generally nice, they earn decent money, have nice houses etc etc. I'm not a particularly materialistic person but I've been on my own financially for a long time as my husband was ill and couldn't work at times (alcoholism etc). Their husbands are...
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I'm guessing we've all seen someone who resembled our kids and found ourselves staring a little to long. It's happened to me twice now. I remember the first was a boy with long blonde hair sitting in an older red car that was towing a fishing boat. The boy was wearing a toboggan in the middle of the summer. It was kind of silly and it made me giggle and think I could see Justin doing this.
Today though.......
Today I saw a boy riding his bike on the sidewalk. He was younger than my son but...
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I found out last week my dog has cancer. He is a lot of my support. A good boy. He has surgery to see if we can get the mass removed and hopefully that will be all tomorrow. If the cancer is worse I will have to put him down. I have only done that one other time in November last year when my Layla got attacked by a dog she went septic and started having trouble breathing. That was very difficult to do by myself. I wish grandma betty was here to calm me and give me her wisdom and reassurance...
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Hello I just joined here, am not quite familiar with how the forum is set up..... hopefully I figure it out quickly. I'm not super sure if this is the part where I say my baby brother committed suicide on 4-8-24. I came here looking for a safe space to empty some of my constant swirling thoughts and questions with people who have been through such an awful traumatic experience.
My nephew, who is 2 years older than my son, had another baby with his wife today. And while I’m happy for them, my heart breaks at the same time. It hurts. It feels unfair. I used to think of the beautiful babies my son would have; hoping they’d have his golden hair and blue eyes. I know you all understand the heartbreak of these moments that we keep to ourselves. I appreciate being able to be honest here.
Well I tried to go back to work. I just went down to the store to just hang out and see if I could go back to it at least one day a week. Had an alright time but got anxious. On the way home I had a set back. And right then and there I knew I wasn't ready. Maybe a few more months. But I will take this as a win and I tried.
Dear Friends,
I want to let you know that we are now at 88% of our fundraising goal, with just over $14,000 left to raise in the next three days. A huge thank you to all who have already contributed.
If you have not yet donated and are able to do so, would you please consider sponsoring the forum in honor or memory of a loved one. Your support will help us reach our goal and continue to provide vital services to those in need.
This year, we have...
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Interesting breakthrough in discovering two key brain systems that are central to those who go on to develop schizophrenia.
Two key brain systems are central to psychosis, Stanford Medicine-led study findsWhen the brain has trouble filtering incoming information and predicting what’s likely to happen, psychosis can result, Stanford Medicine-led research shows.med.stanford.edu
The article is a bit technical but what caught my eye is that Stanford found key differences as early as 7 or 8 for those who go on to develop schizophrenia. Their hope is to be able to delay or even prevent the development of schizophrenia/psychosis.
“One of my goals is to...
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Hey everyone,
I lost my mother on August 4th. Each day holds a variety of fluctuating emotions. She has attempted suicide throughout my life but this time she was successful. It's strange to think she's not here anymore. I have felt pain and have cried but I don't want to bottle this up. It would be dangerous to me.
My child’s dad died from suicide on 12/20/22, just 19 days after our child turned 4. My ex and I were not together when he died, so the grief is so complicated. Our child is starting his first day of kindergarten today. My ex should be here. I started feeling really a lot of anxiety yesterday, and then this morning I did yoga and the tears started. I am so sad, and so angry. I also haven’t found many people who have small children who have also gone through this as the ex….I can’t find any...
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Hello. I lost my 26 year old to suicide 3 weeks ago. My husbands nephew committed suicide 1 month prior. I feel like I'm stuck in a hold pattern if that makes sense? I feel so much guilt in just doing daily things. Like why should I be doing this and he can't?
I’m feeling a little anxious about my brother’s wedding as this will be the first big gathering since I lost my husband!
His wedding is in September and I haven’t seen all my siblings yet or other relatives.
Oh I wish my husband was going to be here. It’s always been the two of us for everything!
I’m worried about people looking at me and trying to figure out how or what to say to me. I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to be strong and not cry rivers but as I sit here telling you all...
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For the first time since before losing my best friend, i went on a date! This was a very big step for me because i felt selfish in trying to find joy outside of my grief. It ended up going really well and im really proud of myself for starting to move on. I texted my best friends number to tell him, and I think he’d be happy for me.
Our therapist told us to consider donating some of her stuff to kids in need or making a quilt out of some of her shirts to work on attachment. We are at the 6-month mark of losing her, I don't think we are ready for that yet in her bedroom. Today I cleaned out one side of her bathroom cabinets. Most of it was garbage used containers of products hair ties, and such, but it was still hard to go through. I saved her brushes with her hair still in them. I also listened to a podcast this...
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I’m 40 yr old single female, no kids, never married. I’m kind of estranged from my cousins/aunts/uncles, but that is changing just in the past 2 months, which is great, but also stressful just popping back into their lives as I have lost all social skills. I don’t know how to make new paragraphs. Literally. When I was 22, my dad committed suicide and my brother, then 25, found him. I drove to my grandmas house to tell her her son died. She had heard before I got there though, which I’m...
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My mother committed suicide a little over a year ago, my father lost his mind when we were trying to help. Things are going well in life since I moved out. Yet I still cry everyday. I need someone w experience with this type of death to talk to. Relate to. Life isn’t the same and I still try to call my mom everyday
Two months ago my husband of 16 years ended his life. I had asked for a divorce a month before. I had finally found the strength to leave after many years of wondering when the best time would be. He spiraled into depression and anxiety. I knew he was struggling- but so was I. I never thought he would choose to end his life. To leave his boys. Now we are left with the permanence. The trauma. The sadness.
The hardest part is the hurt our kids have experienced.
The things ive seen from my dad
So much rain
Whenever i get too sad he sends me rain and my dad loved rain
Ive seen so many birds and they seem to try and come right up to me no matter where i am
First it was sparrows
Theyd always fly out in front of my path while i was driving or in my yard
Or at my work
Then my sister would see them a lot too
She even had a hummingbird come right up to her face for a moment then fly away
Next for me it was cardinals
I went to the park to eat to...
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So we lost my fiance on 10/10/2020. My son called him his step father. So when everything happend my son helped give CPR. I knew it was to late but had to try. Now my son is blaming him self for not being able to bring his step father back. How can I get him to want help? I put him in counseling that didn't work. He did try for some time but he felt all the counselor wanted to do was put him on medication which my son did try. He didn't like it so he stopped. The counselor wanted to try...
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Hi, Everyone. We have expanded our popular free "Healing Emails" to include a new series: "Healing Emails for Fathers." Since we launched the "Healing Emails for Mothers" series in June 2023, over 2,200 mothers have subscribed. Feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. I'd appreciate your help getting the word out about these emails. They contain a wealth of wisdom from the survivor community. You can help by forwarding information about them to others who may...
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I went shopping today. I had fun watching children picking out their supplies for the upcoming school year.
I saw a little girl all excited about something she had picked out for school.
I saw a beautiful baby sitting in a baby carrier in someone’s cart. The baby looked so little.
I remember the days when it was so painful to see babies after my 9 month old son died. Watching children in a store was quite painful in the past . The pain is not as much now. I am able to look and observe...
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Today is 5 months after my wife died and this morning I received a call from the police asking me to come to the station.
I came in, thinking it was to collect her stuff. Instead it was a two hour interview asking me if we had an argument, had I ever attacked her (specifically with a knife), did I know she was going to kill herself, am I sure it was suicide, did she have any enemies who might have done it, do I have any witnesses that can confirm we went for a walk a few days earlier.
I...
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Hi all. My husband of 30 years took his life on Sunday. I never saw it coming. I’m so lost. Sad. Mad.
For years I have this reoccurring dream. It started after my mother passed. I am walking down the street with flowers in my hand but then end up in a cemetery. I look down and the grave stone is glitching with all my loves ones I have lossed. I drop the flowers and I hear whispers that I did it, it was my fault, and that I wasn't good enough for them. This dream has made it hard for me not to blame myself I do my best to stay out of that mind set but my dreams have other plans. I had it...
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I was horrified to find a book on suicide instruction and methods on Amazon (I was looking for survivor help book at the time).
Are they even legal?
https://amzn.eu/d/jjn3UKc
Almost 4 months now since my husband took his life. We have had another suicide in our retirement community about 2 weeks ago. I am dealing with financial issues that I never had to do before, learning new things is very hard right now. A close family member told me she has heard everything before over and over and I needed to think about something else! We were married 56 years! I haven't heard anything from my husband's family since his service and that weighs on me. I have been doing...
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I saw a segment about a world famous couple wanting to create a place for parents to come together to raise awareness for online bullying. While this Royal couple spoke with suicide loss survivor parents they were kind and that was nice. However, there was a strong stigma coming across in the overall message I want to call out.
They kept referencing suicide in conjunction with the word save. The supporting argument was to remove online bullying as a huge reason why one might die by...
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I love watching videos and reading books about animals that show their intelligence and altruism.
One showed a dog reacting to a charger to a motorbike that was sparking and catching fire. He pulled it out of the wall, then dragged it to a bucket of water and dropped it in! Another was a German Shepard watching a little boy and toddler girl playing with a ball. The ball went into a little fishpond where the kids were trying to ger it out. It made the shepard nervous, so he pulled the girl...
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My dad was a pretty good dad. He died to suicide about 4 years ago. I think he was very unhappy with himself, and so he liked to challenge himself a lot. Every day he would walk me and my two brothers to school. There was never a point where we all attended the same school, so it was a lot of walking. One year the three of us all went to different schools. I would be dropped off last, so that meant walking three miles to school everyday. But for him it was 4.5 miles because he had to walk...
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In one of the Community Zoom gatherings held today, our group talked about some of the complex emotions experienced by suicide loss survivors. It helps to process emotions when we can name them. And this experience has taught many of us that we may encounter emotions we have never known in this way before.
Some of the emotions talked about today were grief, guilt, sadness, anxiousness and hopelessness. What others have you grappled with? We would love to make a more...
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I don't have a crafty bone in my body. Once a week my grandmother would have a craft day with me. We would make bows, pillow cases, really anything you can think of We did it. She was the crafty one and I only did it because it brought her so much joy when we would craft together. She would always laugh at what I created because it always turned out so ugly lol. I don't know doing random crafts and blasting music with a love one is one of the best things I have done. I recommend even if you...
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My son (31) took his life on April 8, 2024. He had problems with depression in the past and was committed to the psych ward when he was 21. He found a new girlfriend whom he married and had three beautiful children with (9, 5, and 2). This round, his wife informed him she had a boyfriend and no longer wanted to be married one week before Christmas. He struggled with his depression and was hospitalized again in January. He was in treatment and taking medication and seemed to be doing better...
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I have not posted in a while. I lost my son nearly 10 years ago and this place was a life saver. I was able to connect with other parents who understood my pain. I wrote this poem but can't post it anywhere but here.
The Companion
It joined her on a sunny day.
She, still carefree…who loved to play.
this companion came to stay.
The day her world went dark.
Now she never walks alone,
the darkness always near
She rarely fails to hide behind
that smile from ear to ear...
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**Trigger Warning****
I hate it when I hear that ignorant phrase. My son, at 31, had suffered from abject, intractable, all consuming pain. He felt he was an albatross around our necks, utterly worthless, a burden, not worthy of love, a total POS. He lived in a world of darkness, thick, oily hard to breathe air, exhaustion, nitemares, and loneliness. Diagnosed with clinical depression, I believe now he was bi-polar. He was in constant physical pain due to a back injury, too...
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I can’t get those words out of my head. She left me. She chose death.
Trying my best…. Lost my precious daughter on 6/28/2024.
When an adult child hugs their mom, it's a hug that’s like traveling through a time portal. Suddenly, Mom sees you as three, sitting on her lap, kissing away boo-boos, and smelling delicious after a bath.
And when she holds you a little tighter and closer, it’s because "you're going to miss this" held true for her—and she wants to keep the moment of three-year-old you alive just a little longer.
So, when you hug your mother, don't give her a hug with gentle arms where there's so much...
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A very nice friend invited me to her husband's birthday party, which was mostly for his friends and family, in their garden. I thought I would go, as I've been feeling a bit more confident recently. It was a lovely setting and I tried to talk to a couple of people, but after listening to one man and woman describing their family and life events, difficulty of retirement, children etc. (which seemed to go on for a very long time) I realized I felt very tired and uncomfortable making small...
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Hello everybody. Hope all is well since the last time we spoke. My brother was married on July 28th. He was technically married last year on the same date. Him and his wife had a formal ceremony/reception this year. Both were nice and the ceremony was more welcoming than last year via court at city hall. I was mentally more ready for the wedding this year than I was last year. Moving to Wisconsin helped me straighten my own life out so that I could be there for my brother, sister-in-law, and...
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Earlier this week, I was looking for an old spa gift certificate that I received many years ago, and found an old box of photos that I have long forgotten about. In it were photos that I didn't have digital copies of, so I had not seen them in a very long time. There were pics of my son's kindergarten graduation - the only time he got to wear a cap and gown. As I looked through the photos, tears just streamed down my face.
Then I found a photo CD that I have never seen before...
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I lost my son a little over 2.5 years ago and this past week has been absolutely horrible. I feel like my body is alive but my soul is dead. I do not have any desire to continue living, though don't confuse that with being suicidal. I would not do that to my remaining family, but I have no desire to live either. I feel like the walking dead. All reasons for being alive are gone: joy, hope, purpose. All that is left is guilt, emptiness, and pain.
Since I have been feeling like this...
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I just came back from the my drive in bank. I had to get out of my car. As I was doing it I heard the teller over the speaker say to me May I help you? Then she said Are you okay? She proceeded to say I will come out to help you.
As she coming out I was standing by my car laughing. I had dropped the cylinder that is used in the tube system for drive in banking. It fell out of my hand when I grabbed it. I was looking for it. I looked under the car on the driver’s side. I looked all over...
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Hi all,
A couple of months ago I had a long conversation with my friend who isn’t from the same religion or culture as me. She told me that her culture will often practice shame but not guilt over suicide. I decided to stop putting my energy into feeling guilty anymore. After all, there’s nothing useful about it. It only hurts me and doesn’t bring my daughter back. So now I’m just allowing myself to miss her while not dwelling on what I could, should, or would have done. It’s taking...
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Hello fellow survivors,
It's weird I never thought of myself as a survivor just someone that got left behind. I like that word. I have lost many people from suicide. Starting with my mother in 2009 others in between and now my grandmother May 2024. I didn't know about this site until today someone in my peer group I'm involved in sent this site to me. I am not very good at opening up because those around me have strong feelings about people that commit suicide and I really don't want a...
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I didn’t know he was struggling. If I had I would have had resources because I’m in the field of mental health, I talk to people about this stuff all the time and help them with success to move through it safely…..and he knew this. He didn’t tell me but he did tell others for months that he was struggling, and they didn’t tell me or tell him to tell me.
That morning, he was able to walk into a gun store and walk out with his means without a wait, without an empathic question, without a...
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The power went out at my house recently. I had just come from grocery shopping. My house was dark. I was wondering why my garage door opener would not work.
I looked all over the house to find the side garage door keys. Do you think I could find them. Not! I guess I hid them so good that I don’t know where they are. I tried a bunch of different keys but none worked. I have no ideas what the keys are for. The power came back on.I quickly went outside and used the opener to open the garage...
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I guess my last best friend has also left me in the dust. She posted on social media that she is in my area today. She told me that she was going to include me on her adventure today in the past. She did not even call me or inform me of coming.
I feel really sad. It is making me cry. I question what did I do to deserve this?
Her 50th Wedding Anniversary party is coming up. I don’t know if I even want to attend now.
I am fed up with certain people.
Catfud
I don’t have any more close friends.
This upbeat song helps me get the grief out.
Makes a good mantra in your head all day too.
Helena really liked this band but I don't think that she ever heard this song since it came out after her death.
Hope it helps you today.
Hello.
I lost my husband about 3 months ago. Some people say that the pain will ease as time goes by.
For me, however, it is getting harder and harder. I had noticed he had been losing some sleep before he ended his life, tossing and turning in the bed. I asked him, "you ok?" He always said "yes, just having a busy brain." Looking back, that must have been the sign. That morning, he looked so tired. I asked him if everything was ok. He said, "yeah, just a bit tired and sleepy." That must...
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Feeling so much guilt today. Bc I feel like I ignored the signs. She did see a therapist at one point. She told T that she thought she had autism. T was always high functioning there were no signs that any of us saw that might make us think there was anything wrong like that. So I kind of brushed it off. And upon talking to someone who said that her sister has autism and she had always had thoughts of suicide. It was like in a TV show where the background falls backwards. And right then and...
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VA denied my claim. My husband was a 100 percent disabled veteran service connected.
He was on over 25 medications every day. He was on 7 psychiatric meds but hadn't seen a psych Dr in more than 2 years.
Many of the drugs cause Suicidal Ideations just on there own but mixed together are lethal.
He served for 22 years. They said they denied my claim because he didn't leave a suicide note. They also said that his wife ( me) left him so it was more likely he killed himself because of that. Not...
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I lost my life partner on the 16th of this month. He had clinical depression and 2 prior suicide attempts back when he was a teenager. Fast forward to 2023 he started to change and push me away more and more. He also had an avoidant attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style. We triggered eachother through out our relationship but I thought we could get through anything together. In hindsight I can see all the signs and blame myself for not getting him the help he desperately...
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I love that his dog is watching.... https://x.com/WallStreetSilv/status/1817561479702254028
Today my husband received his DMV notification for renewing his medical certification for his Commercial Drivers license.
I was not expecting to receive this because his driver’s license was the only personal item the sheriffs department kept from that horrific day . Their reasoning being was that they turn it into the DMV notifying them of the death because of fraud and such.
I don’t believe they ever turned it in because it’s been 7 months and this is ample time for DMV to have updated...
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Leave us a song thats helped you and if you like maybe tell us why or how
Hey nothing-maine
A song about not going home which for me helps because i never can again and this song makes it sound ok instead of how bad i really feel
We lost our son Jake 4 1/2 months ago to suicide. He will always be 35 and the youngest of 4 children. Jake was a marine combat veteran and left the service in 2011 with a diagnosis of PTSD. He struggled on and off for many years with symptoms of PTSD. To us and his siblings the last year of his life seemed the happiest. He found the love of his life and they were making plans for the future. His suicide was a shock. I am heart broken and still in disbelief that our beloved son is gone. I am...
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Hello! My name is Savannah, I am 22 years old and I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. I recently joined today because it was suggested to me after I texted crisis text line (741741). On the 4th of July a good friend of mine took his life.. and I’m still grieving. Some days are harder than others likewise some days are easier than others.. and I just needed someone to talk to and I’m hoping this will good for my mental health. Thank you for your time.
My adult daughter has been gone about 10 weeks. It still seems unbelievable, tho we were well aware of her deep depression. My mind is in less of a gloomy fog now, but I ache every day. I feel I sometimes need to just immerse in that sadness, and other times , I can look at old photos and smile. Articles I’ve read, and videos I’ve seen, are helpful in knowing others have gone through this and have found ways to survive and thrive. My family is experiencing the same sadness and is a...
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For those of you who don't know, my world was ripped apart in May 2022 when my husband died of suicide. Then, my mother had a failed attempt just 5 months later. My family and I kept our distance from her for our own safety and mental health while we grappled with the reality of what happened. We reexamined our childhoods and recalled the first mentions of suicide dating all the way back to when I was 16 and my brother was 11.
Since her attempt, she'd been in a facility. She never really...
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It’s been just over a year since my dad took his life and up until recently I thought about him every single day, either a fleeting thought or a lingering one. Recently I’ve found that a day or two has gone by when I haven’t thought of him and it makes me feel guilty as it feels I have ‘forgotten’ about him on those days
Friday I took my granddaughter to see a movie. It made me think of the last time my daughter and I went to see a movie. I would not have ever thought on that day several months later she would be gone. Life is so delicate. Everyday we have on this earth, we need to learn to enjoy each moment as if it was our last.
It's been 10 months without my mom. I don't even recognize who I was before. I got a new job I love and gives me a purpose. I got out of a long term toxic relationship. I've been dating a new guy and he treats me like I deserve the world. I stopped smoking, which I never thought I'd be able to do. I've really been working on a healthy routine. I don't recognize who I was before...
On the outside this is the life I always wanted for myself. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to. On the...
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Mortui vivos docent.
“Let the dead teach the living.”
Joe was the most loving, joyful, resilient person I ever met. Despite his illness he lived a full and happy life. He was content, he found acceptance for what had happened to him. I have thought of him often as my grief started to transform into moments of growth. Let his example guide you. Even now, in death, he is teaching me to accept, to be soft, to find joy in what I do have. He is teaching me to find inner freedom, like he...
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My brother hung himself July 4,2024. My dad found him on July 5,2024 after calling me to say that my brother hadn't been returning emails //calls and had a bad feeling so he was driving to.his apartment to go and check. A month earlier he sent my parents and I am email with the code to his apartment "just in case" we ever needed it. He was extremely private and knew this was odd. We/I tried to help put him at ease as he was suffering from delusions of neighbors trying to hack him amongst...
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I am trying everything to feel better
To survive
I have been reading again
Yet i find reminders and pain there
I watch tv now somewhat
And the reminders are there as well
I write and it leaves me so sad and mixed up for days
I try returning to the store i used to love
Yet i hate all the noise the jovial voices how happy and loud it all is
I am tryin to build up to book clubs yet my anxiety is so crippling i missed the first one ,though i pushed through the sad reminding content of...
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I'm notoriously bad at relationships and have spent most of my life single....possibly due to my dad's suicide but also due to me being me(?)..... I've always bucked at being in any way dominated - but of course - I think there are many reasons and not everyone is destined to be in a partnership....as we can see the number of single people growing year by year......
Anyway recently I met a guy and had a couple of dates with him and he seems completely hung up on the way my dad died - and...
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Hi, I am the mother of three. On June 15th my oldest daughter took her life. She had been suffering with depression and mental illness most of her life. She was 42 years old. I have really went through alot this year with both of my daughter's and my son. Sometimes I feel like a failure. I know that it is God who keeps me from going insane, but sometimes I still struggle with the loss and the pain of losing my first born to suicide.. But reading the weekly letters from others who have...
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Hey yall!
I am about to start my final year of my bachelors degree in Psychology with a minor in Biology. I graduate in may 2025
I am looking into getting my masters in either social work or counseling (somewhere along those lines). But, my grades were not to hot in sophomore year spring and junior year fall, mainly due to my grief and mental health.
should i take a gap year, focus on finding an internship and getting hours plus money... my concern with that is i would not want to go back...
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Hello everyone,
I have decided to try and talk to some people that are going through what I'm going through because no one understands. I'm a single mom that had 2 boys. My first born that would have turned 21 in November took his life on June 24, 2024. It was tragic, he was staying with my family to attend college. I have been trying to talk to my family about a memorial and getting nothing. I paid for the cremation but haven't heard when I'll receive his ashes. I'm lost don't know what...
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I lost my on/off partner 8 weeks ago. He was 48 at the time of his passing. I'm 39.
It was never a case of if - it was always a case of when. And the when was May 29, 2024.
He'd stopped replying to my emails 2 months beforehand - on March 29. We'd had an awful exchange over email - following on from an argument in the days prior. I'd emailed him a link to a song on YouTube. He replied, claiming that he couldn't change and that he was doing me a favour by setting me free. I was brutal in...
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It's been a long time since I have posted on the forum. I visit the forum most days and still get comfort from posts, but just haven't had the mind set to post anything. It's now 18 months since my husband left me and our three children. At times it seems so long ago and other times it still feels like yesterday. We are all moving forward with our life as I feel there is no choice. I feel like I'm on a mouse wheel, get up go to work, come home do animals, get dinner, go to bed and do it...
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An unexpected part of my grief has been the severe anxiety around the fear of suddenly losing someone else. I am also 3 weeks post partum so that may also be part of it, but I never imagined I'd lose my best friend. She unraveled so suddenly. Now I fear I can lose someone else at any moment. I have only experienced two other surprise deaths in my life, but they were natural causes. The fact someone can just make the choice to leave so permanently, I'm almost paralyzed at times worried I...
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I find my peace in the night sky ! A shooting star of my love for HER! My Love for God! My love for Good! My love of ALL!
Everything is so loud right now. I miss my husband. He was very special to me and everything we built together. I can look back and say I should have known, but I didn't. My husband always brightened my day. He always made me smile.
I still feel alot of regret, guilt but so much love for him.
Life is anything but normal right now. It truly feels horrid.
I've been thinking a great deal on my son's parting words. He wished me to have a great retirement, saying that it was something I deserved. I could take his choice to end his life as a statement that somehow he thought that his still being around would somehow prevent that (my tendency to make everything "about me"). I wonder, though. Could his message to me just be simply that: words that he felt that I needed to hear, and his final act not having anything to do with me at all? I will...
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Today marks 3 weeks we’ve been living this nightmare of losing our son and to say I feel lost, guilty, numb feels such like an understatement. Our 30 yr old son was brilliant, handsome, funny and all around a great person till his mental health was kicked into high gear when Covid sent us all home and he lived 3.5 hours from us so was alone a lot of the time.
Alcohol came into play and he used it instead of meds a lot of times to self medicate. The last 3.5 yrs has been a string of...
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Stood outside in the rain wishing upon nothing ! Wishing the world away ! So helpless anymore! My tears are the rain!!!! And then a rainbow
I promise to love ya all eternity! I promise I won't be pie youpromise to grow old with you! I promise! Where are you now and that promise? I love you! Ok promise? I promise !
My special nickname for you because you were addicted to SpongeBob Square Pants.....
T-shirts, books, you name it, you had it...
Remember the year we made a SpongeBob cake for your party.
Your best friends were there. We went to the lake. You all were fishing and I was praying you didn't catch anything.....
Other birthdays at home with water gun wars and sleepovers where all-your friends brought extra TV's and game consoles and took over the basement.
Good memories.....
We all miss you so...
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Hi there
I'm 6 months into the grief journey since my partner died. It all seems so much harder than it did when I was really stunned during the early weeks. I have a 9 and 7 year old and just worry so much that I'm not doing enough to help them on their grief journey. They don't really talk about their dad even though I really have tried to create an environment where they feel they can share whatever they want to. I don't know what I hope to get from this forum but just to know I'm not...
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Me and my daughter L found C dead 14 months ago. The moment I realized he had killed himself with a gun the world stopped and disappeared under my feet. My heart broke into million pieces. I entered in shock and had to find forces to keep alive and survive.
When I saw C dead, I felt immense respect for him. I felt his pain, his despair. I realized how blind was I. I felt love. My love for him. His love for me and L. I felt powerless. I felt a tragedy. I felt unfairness.
I felt it was a...
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I'm falling into a hole whaskey wabbit....I'm lost inside my soul. I am a evil one inside ! I'm about explode!!!! whaskey wabbit!!!!
I loss my dad on March 6th. He was 79 years old. I was his only child. I miss him everyday and don’t know how to be without him. It’s not getting easier. That’s why I’m here. I feel the only people who can understand what I’m going through is people who have been through it also.
I feel her presence! We talk all the time now !?; crazy as it might seem but we talk alot anymore! Am I crazy?
I lost my 16 year old daughter about 5 months ago. It is a total shock because of no warnings, no "clear" signs. Only after unlocking her phone, I start to piece the puzzles from her writings to understand one thing or two, still no complete picture. No one knew she is struggling with depression, neither family nor friends, not even her boyfriend or coach. On the cards I received from her friends, all have similar impressions: she is happy, kind, funny, beautiful and bubbly. I thought she...
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It was two years ago this morning
that my wife completed.
I learned in year one that the anticipation
was actually worse than the day, so other
then some general anxiety the day is about
what I expected.
Obviously I miss her. There is this void in my
life I never expected.
It even extends into the future.
I can't seem to picture one.
Every day is like the last. Take care of the kids,
the animals and the house, go to bed and start
over.
It makes me pretty angry with her at times.
She...
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Hey Alan
This is for you, happy birthday, I miss you so much that I don't even want to think about it. Been disconnected from myself all day long to numb the pain of not having you here to celebrate it, don't want to think about it because I just go in circles with thoughts about how many things you're missing. I am so sorry I couldn't make you stay, or help you in any way. I didn't want to let the day pass without doing anything "special" for you, this year is hitting harder because of...
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Hi. I lost my husband in May. He was a generous, quiet but silly, funny but sensitive guy. He meant the world to me. I thought we were happy, but he took his own life unexpectedly. It still feels like a dream-still feels as if he is coming back home with a big smile on his face like he used to. I am totally overwhelmed and lost, missing him so much, but I am so thankful that I found this place.
This is an accomplishment of my husband's, not mine. When our children were still at home, my husband hiked the 48 4,000 foot peaks in New Hampshire with two of our three children, one of whom was the daughter we lost. After she passed away, my husband decided to spread our daughter's ashes on all of the 48 peaks. He finished the last one, Mount Washington, last Oct. Now, in August, we're going to go as a family to the top of Mount Washington, taking the cog railway, so we can scatter them...
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I lost my 39 year old, veteran son, and only child, to suicide 10 months ago. He took his own life on September 6th, 2023. I’m having an extremely difficult time with it. I don’t feel as if I have a supporter who truly understands, which is what brought me here. Love to everyone!
Just here to introduce myself. I’m not sure why I didn’t do this sooner. I’ve been using a private facebook page for parents of kids who died of suicide which has been an incredibly good support. I find the posts from alliance of hope very helpful though and I think I’m ready to have some different input. Our son, John David, died of suicide on August 28, 2022. He was diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2018. He had had some moderate depression in high school and we thought we had it managed but...
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It was July 9 when I lost my best friend to suicide. We met in a mental health hospital in December and reconnected after both discharging, him before me. We started talking every day and soon started hanging out every day. We fell in love with each other and cared so deeply about each other. We both struggled with suicidal thoughts and depression as well as other mental illnesses, so we related on so many levels.
Recently, he had been having some health issues that was going to require...
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Hi .My name is Marlene. I lost my son, age 33 yrs, on March 22, 2024 to suicide. I did not know he was so down and out until about 4 weeks before his death when my daughter-in-law called me and told me that he wanted to jump off the balcony of their 4th fl apartment and she had him at the hospital and they wanted to keep him in the psych department as an inpatient. When I asked her how long this issue had been going on she gave me a weird answer and I was totally upset. He checked...
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Hello, I lost my husband 2.5 years ago. After fighting depression and anxiety, I believe he couldn't take anymore. I was left alone with our 2 young kids. There was a lot between the day he died and the months before. The anger, guilty, and abandonment were my primary feelings after the whole tragedy. I did manage the anger and I don't feel that so much anymore, but the guilty still follows me, it doesn't hurt as much as before but deep inside of me I believe that he was holding to life...
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I hope this is an OK place to post this. I am not yet 30 days past my daughter’s passing. Today on Facebook a friend posted a post about “mom grief” and how she was having aI hope this is an OK place to post this. I am not yet 30 days past my daughters passing. Today on Facebook a friend posted a post about “mom grief“ and how she was having a really bad day. She posted about canceling her son’s car insurance And how it would not be so bad if she could just talk to him whenever she wanted...
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This is the 6th summer that I have traveled to a national or state park during the week of my son Jared's anniversary and birthday.
Jared loved the outdoors and we had many memorable trips camping and hiking. Since his death 7 years ago I have used travel to beautiful places as a way of honoring his memory and to create new memories with my daughter and her husband.
This year is a little different...
Both my daughter and son in law have moved to Oregon with new jobs so we won't get to...
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Good morning everyone. And through my sorrow and anger, I can again see beauty in the world.
May this year my oldest son died by self-inflicted gun shot wound. (He was 28 years old) The last several years have had their ups and downs in our relationship, but I thought mostly up. Last Christmas, I thought he was happy and finally I thought all was coming together. Don't know how we got from family of 2 sons to a family of one. My younger son is now an only child and feeling his loss...
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I'm writing this bc I was offered to come back to work slowly if I wanted to. I was a stay at home mom for many years. I was working only part time.But I had to leave bc of what happened in February. Im hesitate to go back bc of my Anxiety. But it's just one day a week for a few hours to see how i do. I mean it's worth a try. I'm always so nervous these days to leave the house. But im getting bored the last few weeks. Let me know your opinion.
My children's father died on April 29th. We have had Mother's Day, Father's Day, and now my oldest turns 30 on Friday without his father. I have scheduled an out of town stay at a nice hotel. Anything to stay busy and keep our minds busy. Please tell me that over time we will be able to celebrate again?
I hope this is the right section to post in. Today I am struggling the most with the fact all the traditions I created with my best friend are gone. She didn't have much family she was in contact with, so we made our own traditions together. We watch the Bachelorette together and would discuss it. Every summer we did sunset wine tasting at a local historical place, every fall we go apple picking and spend the day making dessert and watching movies. We just started making an Advent calendar...
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We lost our beautiful daughter 11 days ago. She had just graduated high school and was excited to head off to college in the fall. I hadn’t even taken down the decorations from her grad party. I am in “all the feels” right now with shock leading the pack. Thank you for allowing this space to share.
“Spent the evening with my youngin' AKA man-child. If I should die tonight I know the greatest accomplishment/purpose in my life has been to raise such awesome men. Thank you, Lord, for giving me this opportunity. I love my boys and I am so proud of the men they have become.”
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Last night, for the umpteenth time, I dreamt that Martin was back in my life but with a difference.
He was different.
It started out with me catching a tram that led to a forest. Martin had taken on some macho role as a forest warden or possibly just a person living in the forest - not too certain as to which. He was very knowledgeable about self-sufficiency and all the things that a forest ranger may need to know. Martin didn’t even like the notion of camping so this was a...
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People around me act lol or it's ok to be saddened, to messed up by it all ! ? WTF no ! It's a sad day to and for me wtf !;I'm so hurt !!!!! Why would you think I'm gonna be ok ? Why?
I've been trying one day, one step at a time. I had family come in from out of state this weekend. It was nice to meet some family I didn't know, my Mom's sister. My Mom's brother was also here. We all had a small get together at my home Saturday.
At the end of the night, grant it was later that my normal 9:00 bedtime, my dog barked 3 times at the neighbors cat. The neighbors start yelling from their bedroom to shut my dog up.
Anyway, long story short, these people are not nice. Rather...
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My family check on me everyday Counseling has greatly helped with painful journey. Journaling has helped with expressing feelings. Strong faith with Jesus Christ has also greatly helped with painful journey. Deep breathing gas also helped.
they say it gets easier with time, which i agree it does. but friends, family, etc don’t want to talk about the one you lost. or look at you like you’re crazy when you bring them up. it’s been a year and 7 months since he’s died. i think about him everyday, all the f-ing time.
he’s been gone long enough that me talking about him feels like a burden to those around me.
saying his name scares people. they look at me like i’m broken.
i was feeling really sad last week and i asked for a sign...
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I guess my presence has turned into a yearly thing on this website. A little pop in to let you know I’m still here, a silent observer. Still grieving, but it’s ever changing this grief we share through a common experience.
Elise would have been 22 this year and likely would have graduated from college. Here I sit with two degrees on the wall, a testament to my coping mechanism of burying myself in academics. It’s odd thinking time is almost frozen for her while the earth still rotates for...
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I don't know if it's just me but after the lost of my partner I've been diagnosed with PTSD and MDD.
I've never experience this kind of pain and regrets in my life.
I'm trying to be patient as I could to survive this battle.
I'm really down right now
I was lying in bed last night and felt very alone and extremely lonely. Then I started to think about how it must have felt as M lay in his last hours.. This was such a hideous experience and one that I didn't want. I found myself crying and wanting to just go and be with him. Why I am feeling such strong emotions now I simply cannot divine. And today I had similar visions but without the suicidal thoughts of last night. It is like living in some nightmare that is never ending...
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My name is Breanna. I just had my first baby on the 6th which was a traumatizing labor and emergency c section, followed by my baby going into NICU. We are home and fine now. During this time my best friend of five plus years stopped talking to me when I needed her most. Come to find out she was starting to plan her suicide and was distancing herself. I found out yesterday from her property managers that she had passed. We have her will and a last note to me from my birthday on the 10th. I...
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Hi Everyone,
My name is Steve Shannon. I was a frequent flyer on this forum for years after my son Patrick died in 2012. His death was a devastating blow to me and my family. Thankfully, we found the Alliance of Hope. This community and its resources literally saved my life. Today, I serve on the Board of Directors and lead AOH's support groups for grieving fathers.
I'm writing to let you know that I've joined together with eleven other fathers to create a matching fund for...
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Hello. it has been eight weeks since my partner of 28 years took his life. When I called the detective who left his business card on my door, I felt like I was watching myself in a movie. The shock and adrenaline got me through the first few weeks; I am a doer and fixer. I still haven't let myself properly cry (sob) because early on, I thought I could not come back from it, and felt the need
to do everything (as usual).
He was my family, and his are not there for me (except to ask for...
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**Registration has just opened for the Fall Trimester Grieving Dads Support Groups. We are offering two groups this fall: one on Tuesdays and one on Thursdays.
These groups are for fathers who have lost children to suicide. Space is limited to 10 participants in each group. Zoom sessions are 90 minutes long and occur every other week. These are "closed" rather than "drop-in" support groups, meaning that fathers travel the grief journey with the same people every session.
These groups are...**
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https://fb.watch/tlNxGTlk9r/
@praying 4 peace , I hope your fur-baby recovers well and that he will be a loving (and healthy) presence in your life for many years to come.
Hello Everyone!
My name is Cheri! I am a school counselor of 25 years and I am here because my children’s father passed away, died by suicide, almost three months ago. I have been holding strong for them, but searching for support for myself as I navigate this journey! I look forward to helping support each of you, as you help support me!
Hello,
It is still surreal, but one month ago I lost my younger brother to suicide. We are only one year apart, so "Irish Twins" as my mom likes to say. We finished university recently and had our whole life ahead of us. We never fought and always did things together. When we learned about his passing, one of the first thoughts I had was realizing I would have to grow old without him. Having to live without him around, suppose 60+ years, feels like torture to me at the moment. Nothing much...
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My Heart Yearns for Her each and every day, hour and minute. I'm so broken inside yet I keep trying to move forward....yet I'm so broken by it all...I came home from work and went to bed and found myself yelling and screaming and jumping out of the bed . Cats flying off of me and me drenched and scared and spooked. I'm broken.
My depression started when I was 15. That first year was awful, the pain was something I felt I couldn't endure. My mother, after a year of me sleeping 12-14 hours a day, finally asked me if I was ok, that she knew I was depressed but didn't think I needed help. I told her I was doing better and I suppose I was, just a little. I wanted to end the pain by killing myself but I could never bring myself to do it. Over the years, the depression seemed to affect me less or I learned to live with...
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This dreamstate I slip into is not fun.
I shake my head in disbrlief that Jess is no longer in her human form.
Today, I am coming to realize I did not know her as I thought. As a mother, this awareness is challenging.
My belief a mother ought to know her child has been confronted with reality. Jess was not able to live with her heartache.
Its messy at times, and I am living with my heartache. Ought children to mirror someting of the parent? And here is my dreamstate.
My daughter took her life on 06/03/24 by drowning and her body was recovered on 06/05/24. Sad thing is we knew it was coming. It was actually her 3rd-4th attempt since 2021. I say 3rd-4th because I recently found out there had possibly been an attempt that she only told one other person about. We spent the past 3-4 years in hell... Not knowing when another suicide text may come, a call from the police, and eventually the call from the coroner when they pulled her body from the river. We had...
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My son Shane took his life February 6th of this year. We live 1,358 miles from the home he owned at the time of his death. We close on the contract for his home this Friday. This should be a relief, but I find it to be triggering all the loss and pain—the sheer finality of it all, I guess. I’m wondering if others have felt this way.
Thank you.
Hello everybody I lost my father to suicide in May 2023. I am a former police officer who suffers from PTSD which comes with anxiety. My father and I had a falling out quite some years ago. We had always been very close growing up as we had shared a love of hunting and the outdoors. When he started exhibiting signs of his mental illness, he became very aggressive and confrontational. I made the decision to cut ties with him for at the time I believed was the safety of my wife and children...
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It is my daughter's one year anniversary of her death on August 3. I will be alone for the day. Intense dread occurring daily, as I am thinking I will be reliving the same anguish and pain. Maybe this is not how it is going to be and I should stop making myself sick? How did you spend the first anniversary and anything that helped?
Something happened in this country Saturday.
This morning I feel so angry. I am learning in therapy to look beyond anger, because something else may be there. Yes, I had a bad night, woke with a headache, and after this week the therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks. But I also realized seeing the news on Saturday has brought about thoughts of how my ex boyfriend died, and not only that, it is 5 years in a week. I am not trying to make the news about me, it's just brought up a lot of...
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Hi all,
this post has taken me a bit to write, apologies for the delay. Finding the words just never seems right, but I know I need to do this so I'm going with the mantra that done is better than good, for now.
I met who would become my husband in 1994. It truly was an instant connection and we maintained a solid friendship for close to 10 years before we became a couple in 2002 and married in 2003. We lasted nearly 20 years in marriage before he decided his time here was over. In Feb of...
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Hi all,
This seems like a question with an obvious answer, but the forum description doesn't exactly tally with my thinking.
It seems there are infinite layers to the role of religion in Steve's decision to end his life, and the impact that his choice has had on my own spiritual life.
I'm not even sure I have the words to talk about it yet, but I would like to put it in the right place if I find them.
I remember posting something similar a while ago, but I don't remember the outcome...
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I wake up every day on my own and wonder if this is how it will be for the rest of my life now. At 59 and following the suicide of my wife, I don't think I have the energy to embark on a new 'living together' relationship, although I really don't like being single. I loved being married, and had expected us to get old together, and now that that is not going to happen I wonder what the future is likely to be for me. I've spent the last 19 months trying to keep the family going forwards and...
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I can hold the feelings off when I stay busy, but there's only so many chores to do, or shopping runs to make. I can only rearrange the spice rack or the sock drawer so many times....
I've attached a FB message from a relative of mine who sent me this shortly after my son died from suicide. I stumbled across this message, sent almost 3 years ago now, when looking back through FB. She had struggled with the disease of anxiety and depression her entire life. We were fairly close when I was a kid but lost contact for several years, thus she didn't know much about my family. However upon hearing about the death of my son she immediately reached out to me.
In case it's...
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I’m in month 14. Like every month along this journey, it’s different — constantly changing and morphing.
But the pain is still here, the fear, anxiety, sadness. Even though I can feel joy now, and see the beauty of the world, I am very much grieving.
But one thing I’ve gained from this experience so far that I’m most grateful for is the emerging ability to love myself fully, and that is rooted in my new self-talk. The longest, most intimate relationship we will have is with ourselves. And...
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Earlier today I red the blog, THE SUICIDE TRANCE, on this site and it was OK until a few hours later. At time passed, I got up to make a coffee. I looked at a photo on the fridge of my partner and just broke down (which I have been trying not to do). It saddens me beyond words that my partner developed a mental illness. To me, he was a really gentle and nice person and it hurts like hell to realize that he was struggling. The blog article in question (of which I am grateful for the...
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My son died 2.5 years ago and I continue to feel the way life has changed every day. I no longer have the assuredness I used to have. Two weeks before he died, I knew he was having a hard time in that moment. He had just moved and started a new job. I told him, "This is a period of time. I promise it gets better". Suicide was never a consideration.
Now, when my other kids have what I perceive to be normal life changes and challenges, I recall being so wrong before. I miss the veneer...
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I lost my son July 15th 2020, a date now stamped in my memory.
I remember saying to my husband (not my sons father}, the next day that he might as well leave. I was finished and would never be the person he knew again. Thankfully, he stuck around as incredibly hard as it was, and looked after me as best as he could. I still cannot believe fours years have passed, time seems to have no meaning in grief.
The first year was a year of unbelievable pain, trauma, shock, guilt, periods of...
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I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at the min filled with grief again for what should be why are these days so incredibly hard should be our 8year wedding anniversary Tuesday coming every year feels harder and harder.
I'm new to the group. The family member we lost was my ex-husband. We had a good relationship and I considered him a friend, not an ex. I feel like I lost an anchor. My oldest son is managing his father's financial affairs and possessions. Due to the circumstances that led to his father's death, my son and I are troubled by his Dad's relationship with his business partner. It's my concern that my son, his wife and I focus on care for ourselves.
My question is what helps in the early...
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I lost my husband to suicide on December 30, 2023.
We've been together for close to 18 years. I knew him, I loved him so very much, I need him, and miss him to no extreme. Everyday seems so surreal. It is as if I'm sitting here waiting for him and he's not coming home. I just breathe, give myself a hug, and know he is in my heart forever.
My daughter and her boyfriend went out to dinner tonight...
Upon arriving home she had the "giggles"
The laughter that just comes sometimes like the hiccups (remember laughter?)
Anyhow, they were putting on PJ's and crawling into bed so I asked
"Did you drink tonight at dinner?"
"No Mom" she said, "I've got the sleepy-time ha ha's"
Nothing compares to random joy! We could all use some sleepy-time ha ha's
I know I could
Stephie was so fragile. I should have been there more and or more ! Her heart was Gold her Spirit so great!! Her smile when I came home from work was worth a million dollars.. her love her hugs her kisses ! Man, I miss you my love !
I am not here to give suggestions, I am actually here to thank you all for being here for each other. In the beginning I didnt feel much support but because I didnt know what to expect form this site, I had never gone through this nor had I tried to find support from others who could relate to my heartaches. However, after some time and letting thing set within myself I can honestly say that this is a special place, a sacred place, somewhere where one can express their pain knowing that...
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It's been one year and three months since that day! 2 days before Easter. She shot herself in the head with her own gun. Leaving one sentence letter to her children "sorry to disappoint you and I love you!"... Yeah ok.. at least in a letter to her husband she explained she was scammed and they lost everything. A list of names of who she owed money to trying explain why? Sorry again... Oh and the funeral policy is in the cupboard and also wrote down the number of the ambulance...... All this...
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Today makes one year since my loved one passed away by suicide. I thought I would be okay today but I am uncontrollably crying and when it stops it comes right back. I am so hurt today. Any advice on using this day to remember their life and not their death? I feel like today is so traumatizing.
……I love them. I am so glad they are here. It has been a long time since our group has spent a lot of time together. I am grateful for this.
But……
It is so painful to hear how successful their kids are. They are adult kids. They are extremely successful in their careers, marriages, with their own kids who are doing well. Their lives are such a contrast to my life. To my children’s lives.
My cousins and sister are extremely compassionate. They understand that I am deeply in pain. They...
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Today will mark 3 weeks my husband has been gone. The past 2 Saturdays Iv cried the entire day replaying that Saturday in my mind hour by hour and when it gets close to the time of his death I won’t even look at the clock until I know the time has passed . My therapist suggested I do something different instead of running from it do something to celebrate his life .. it confused me bc how can I celebrate his death and something that has crushed me . I understand what she is trying to get me...
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My heart has been heavy this week. You have been constantly on my mind.....Invading my thoughts as I try to navigate this life without you. I have found a wonderful job in Agricultural Land Management which takes me out of the city and back to nature. Groves, orchards, wildlife and dusty gravel roads. Back to the country where we lived, loved, shared and laughed.......until we didn't. Oh how I have missed our home, the country, the beauty, peacefulness and sheer serenity I cannot find in...
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It has often been said here that our grief can soften with time.
I'm finding this to sort of be true, but not in a way that I expected.
In the first year I was trying to cope with the trauma and shock of finding my son, along with the tremendous feelings of guilt and numerous questions as to how and why this happened. I would be struck by grief ambushes, mostly triggered from being at work, where I found him, and all the "firsts" (Birthdays, Christmas, New Year, etc.) without him. During...
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Hi all,
I'm a creative writing facilitator, and today was the student showcase - the end of the academic year.
We've been working with this group since September.
I've worked closely with two students, as well as facilitating the group workshops.
My colleagues have worked with other students, and today was the first time I got to hear the result of that work.
One student's excerpt from her novel focused on a young person who was struggling with their sexuality within a hardline...
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My oldest daughter found this picture of Helena and sent it to me today. I am so happy that I made it my home screen on my phone.
She was 14 years old.
Today has been a hard day. I have felt sad since I woke up . The heaviness was just like a weight on me. I got up and prayed and did my devotional and talked to my husband . I immediately began to sob silently bc tomorrow will be 3 weeks and it feels like a lifetime already. It felt like I could literally feel my heart shattering in my chest . I never knew pain like this existed . In one of my devotionals about grief it says we cant rush or slow down our grief that it must be felt and I know...
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Hello. Please do not read my post if you have triggers regarding the afterlife. I do not want to cause pain for any of you beautiful people who have endured this unimaginable pain of loved ones passing due to suicide.
I recently watched a FaceBook online video. The guest on the show was David Suich, who is an author and has spent over 15 years interviewing people on their NDE afterlife experiences. He's spoken with some channelers on their experiences. However, most of his work...
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I was in the wrong place at wrong second…My fur baby boy (who was 9 months old when we lost our son) saw another dog on the opposite side of the road. He lurched to try and get to the other dog. At the exact time a car was driving past and was also looking at the other dog. Hence he didn’t see us.
When my dog lurched over the pavement onto the road and the car who wasn’t looking hit him…..I thought he was gone…
We live in a little village with hardly any traffic. This is another billion to...
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The endless mystery of the universe. I keep being drawn back to this image and see more detail each time. Also find it comforting. Wishing peace for us all.
On June 11, 2012, the first day of summer vacation, my best friend, my beloved husband of 19 years, and father of our three boys, died by suicide. I remember him telling me he thought suicide was the most selfish act anyone could do and that he had never once considered killing himself. I remained a SAHM for 11 more years to provide my boys with as much stability as I could. We started therapy right away, but despite seeing multple therapists, my boys were unwilling to talk about their...
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Suicide,
Ending your life in despair
How can this happen?
Your last life force to end your life
Like the last breath, for an elderly person
It was the last force you had,
that went into killing yourself
Into your last action.
Suicide,
It can get stuck in our heads
the thought can take our minds
as a solution, as an end
Its action need despair,
pain, abandonment,
A horrible pain the heart and mind
can't take any more.
It was not your last breath
It was your last life force,
In despair
To...
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Hello everyone. Im new here. I lost my ex boyfriend to suicide in october. Its been very difficult. We were together for 2 years. He broke up with me because of his mental health and took his life 5 months later. I loved him so much. He was kind, funny, and warmhearted. I miss him everyday. I struggle often with feeling like the grief is not mine to feel since we were no longer together.
To keep to the anonymous nature of these forums, I'm calling my friend Toad, just a btw.
Toad was beautiful. When I met her she was so confident and always laughed so loud. I loved her nose (she'd say it was too big) I loved her always rosy cheeks, I loved how warm she was, I loved how she tanned beautifully while I turned into a lobster just from spending an hour outside.
I loved her children, two of the funniest, loving, and emotionally in touch children a parent could ask for. Her life...
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Hello, I just signed up and thought this might be a good first place to post.
I lost my friend and love June 26th. She was my world and now I feel like life has lost its sparkle.
Toad (my friend) was beautiful and hilarious, she was always my champion for when I was at my most depressed. For awhile we dated and I loved her dearly, but we realized we had very different needs from a partner. She was a trans woman and I'm a nonbinary AFAB (asigned female at birth) person, but as our...
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I'm a month away from that most awful day. This year has felt difficult in a very different kind of way. It will be 5 years. I don't recall being this emotional this time last year.
The other day out of curiosity I checked what day of the week August 11 fell. It's a Sunday. David's physical life ended on Sunday, August 11, 2019. This year lines up with 5 years ago.
There was so much going on that year with my mother's cancer diagnosis. That's come into play as well. It almost feels like...
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Tomorrow would’ve been his birthday. He would’ve been 49. It’s been nine months and this is the first birthday without him. My birthday is a day after his and usually made it a whole 2 day event. We have a five year old daughter as well. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the next two days.
It's been a little while since I've posted.
Since then I drove to Michigan from Tennessee with my LF's son to go visit his family. The visit was really good, although short. The first day we went hiking to some waterfalls and played in the water, followed by dinner with one of his brothers, his wife, and all of my LF's nephews and niece. Second day was a lot harder. It's like weight of him or him not being there was just very heavy. We explored around town doing touristy stuff, but all I...
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I remember being in the delivery room when Zachary was born. He was a blue baby. His mother had been in labor for a long period of time. I still recall seeing the nurse and the doctor working on him to get him to breathe. That was my first memory of feeling vulnerable for him.
I wake up feeling that way. I still remember being in the delivery room. Scared but thankful for the doctor and nurse.
Zachary chose asphyxiation. He came into this world distressed and fighting for breath.
I...
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Hi All,
My name is John, and I've come here in search of help to navigate life after the loss of my 30 year old son. He was the younger of my two boys, and had struggled with depression throughout his life. He was a loving son, who was the main caregiver for my wife during her extensive illness and decline. My wife passed away in November last year, just before Thanksgiving. It feels like my son lost his sense of purpose when his mom died. He ended his life this last Wednesday in a hotel...
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As a young mother giving birth at 18 to my son who just took his life at 18 years old has been such an unreal, unfathomable and challenging part of my life. I lost my step dad when I was 11, lost my mom at 16 and lost my papaw at 18 and I am an only child with no other family. Got married young and then divorced after 18 years. I really really had no clue cole was near the point of suicide. I don't think he had this planned... but I do think he's thought about having his pain end or to...
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My beautiful, gorgeous, funny, smart and prickly daughter turned 19 yesterday. We are in the third year of not having her here with us.
It’s still a deeply emotional time for us, but the emotions are a little muted. We all have our own way of dealing with our losses. When I say losses, it’s not just her but the myriad of other things that we don’t have and will never experience with her.
Last night we went out to dinner as a way to mark her birthday. It was at a Korean fusion...
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6/21/2024 (3 days prior to my youngest sons 14th birthday) we lost our oldest child. We were blessed 18 years 3 months with this vibrant young man whose smile was infectious and he touched lives of so many.
In my heart of heart- I don't believe he would have taken his life had he not been so Angry and felt so helpless. But honestly, we've all sat here trying to figure out if we missed signs etc.... he had just graduated high school and had a much needed shoulder surgery and was about to...
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When I was 3 years old, I lost my Dad to suicide. Even though I don't "remember it," the grief has followed me since then. I was never quite aware of it though because my Mom was terrified of the thought that myself or my two siblings would take some sort of "inspiration" from it. So, she never talked about it or put us in any therapy, just said he wasn't here because he died by accidental overdose, relying on us being too young to feel anything by it. I'm not angry at her; it was an...
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Dealing with strong cultural taboos around suicide and unable to talk to people who also knew the deceased. It is very alienating to be surrounded by the pressure to just put a nice face on the loss and pretend it was an unintentional act. I struggle with anger not towards the loved one that I lost but towards the culture and society in which I live where talking about this is just Not Done.
I am grieving the loss of more than one person lost suddenly. just lost more than one loved one to what I am guessing is suicide. Family would not release details of the death, and it was very sudden. I am geographically distant from the event so no one can really tell me anything.
My son— who was a “burn pit”Iraq war vet—-suffered from many physical symptoms. I have also come to believe-since his death—-that he also suffered from mental illness. I guess I will never really know to what extent his declining mental health fueled his various physical maladies, and to what extent these physical symptoms (unexplained rashes, dramatic blood pressure fluctuations, dizziness, tin tinnitus, headaches, etc.) fueled his depression and anxiety. He was deeply concerned with what...
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Been feeling pretty low lately. I'm just tired. Exhausted. We lost our son by suicide may 20 and then 2 weeks late my father's struggle with heart failure took him too. These days I just don't feel like I can manage. I have no ideation myself. I'm just exhausted. I miss my son. I miss my dad, and I miss my husband. He's grieving in his own way and giving him space for that has been difficult because I very much lean on him. My grief has manifested in my exhaustion. I'm underperformed at...
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Today marks one year since Andi passed. Today was hard, yesterday was harder. As expected, I hyperfocused on the day before shre left. All the things she said and did and how I could have maybe said something or did something different maybe she'd still be here. I know that there's no way to know, but that's just what my brain does.
Instead of focusing on how she died, today I chose to focus on how she lived. Andi was brave and bold- two things that can be rare to find. She was strong...
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Hi All - Came here as a resource for my healing. Last month, my friend committed suicide right next to me. I start virtual therapy a couple of days after the funeral and have a full mental health appointment in a couple of weeks. Therapy has been a huge help. I am struggling with sleep and being able to work. Flashbacks happen on a regular basis. I know that we will never know the why they chose this path.
I'm sitting here today outside just staring and listing to the wind blow. Last night we got all my daughters personal belongings. Now I need to go through them and save what I can. It hurt so bad. I can't describe this kind of pain. It's not very much but it's enough. How did any of you get through this step?
Today is the 2 year anniversary since I found my daughter. I still sometimes can't believe it really happened. I've had little to no support from family, and will never understand that. Thankfully I have co-workers and some friends that encourage and reach out to me. For those that are new to this horrible journey, just know there will be good days again. It truly is a roller-coaster of emotions. But little by little, you will be able to be happy again. You just have to ride this...
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I am not sure that this feeling is even rational but I know this is a safe place to say it and maybe it resonates with someone else . It seems like every time I see a married couple or a family just doing normal things like grocery shopping or even friends that I know I get jealous and angry bc I feel robbed of my person , my soul mate , the person I had planned to spend the next 40 years with. When I see couples arguing or not showing each other attention I just wana scream and say it’s not...
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I broke up with my fiancé in November 2022. He took his own life a month and a half later. The majority of the whole village blames me for it because of all the things he said about me before he passed.
Hello fellow survivors,
I lost my son Ross to his shame and guilt over events that happend to him and also decisions he made. He took his life in January 2024. I'm still struggling emotionally. For me and my family, it's a horrible, tragic loss. He never told us how badly he felt. I miss him terribly. He was only 23. Smart, funny, sensitive and kind. And far, far too hard on himself. For those further in the journey, how do you cope? It seems like everyone has moved on. I can't...
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Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, August 4th.
**In 2024, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.
Please note: The deadline for signing up will end at 6:00 PM Central Time on the Friday prior to any given call.
Community Sunday calls will take place on the first Sunday of each month.*
They offer an opportunity to...
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My Dad was the one of the friendliest, most open people you ever met. Our house is filled with cards, flowers, food from neighbors and friends who all loved him. Always smiling, always finding something to do to help you out.
He had history of mental illness in his family and he certainly had a higher baseline when it came to anxiety. But all of a sudden, these delusions were triggered in the past two weeks and he took his life so suddenly. We are all struggling to see the signs because he...
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Just reading in the Book of Awakening again. Thich Nhat Hahn asks how we can begin to think about birth and death not as coming and going?
He says there is a true nature of how things really are. Things are impermanent. Even though we know this, it is hard to truly grasp.
He goes on to say that reality is beyond all ideas.
And here is the part that gave me a quick moment of relief from grief. So I thought I would share this with you all!
"It is like a coin.
At first we see that it has...
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My daughter loved to walk in the forest near our home. In the 20 years that we've lived here, I've never seen an owl. After her passing, I saw one. Then another. One day, there were 4, all on different branches. Later, when I was going through pictures, I found a picture of her, when she was a small child, posing next to her favorite animal sign in the forest...the owl sign.
Hi everyone,
Tomorrow I am starting a new job after quitting my previous job after 6 years.
I tried to select a job that will make me happy, but I won't know until I start doing it. I'm a little nervous. I bought some new clothes and shoes. This is my first new job since my wife died. It's difficult and I miss the old days when she was around to support me in times like this.
I've worked in High Tech for over 20 years. The High Tech jobs just kept getting more stressful and required...
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During the final years of my life with my partner Joe I decided to try to make a documentary — not about us, about a social justice issue.
I decided to apply for a big journalism fellowship to do the project the summer of 2020, and got it. At first it was a welcome new project during the worst part of the pandemic - gave me a way to get out of the house, work on something interesting with a little team I built.
But as it kept going Joe got sicker, my job as an investigations editor was...
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Hi Everyone,
**I’m writing to ask for your support for our Annual Forum Sponsorship Campaign: 25,000 Reasons.
This year, we have reached a significant milestone: 25,000 suicide loss survivors now belong to our community forum.** Yet, this number represents only a fraction of those who turn to us for solace and support after losing a loved one to suicide. Thousands more visit our website as guests each month to find resources read stories of hope and...
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Today marks 5 months since my daughter passed by suicide. I have noticed a billboard in our county for the 988 number for suicide and crisis lifeline, we are under a big pandemic of suicide victims and the ripple effect it has for those left behind is heartbreaking. I wish I had done more to communicate with my daughter about her mental struggles, I thought she was going through puberty and hormone changes, but I didn't realize the extent of her pain and suffering. I listened to Annie...
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My 21-year-old son died by suicide 14 months ago. His then-17-year-old brother made a suicide attempt four months later, and 12 days ago (on June 21st), my now-18-year-old son made a second attempt and nearly succeeded in ending his life. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, where he convinced them he was fine and not a threat to himself, and he is now home again. We live in a state with horrible mental health services (seriously - our state is ranked as one of the worst in the...
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I’m only 3 weeks out since his death which still feels like an eternity and I dread the nighttime . I pray to God I don’t have dreams of him bc I’m just not ready to wake up and face reality that he’s not here . A few nights I don’t dream but most nights I do . Last night I had multiple ones of him not going through with taking his life . The rope broke in my dream and he was saved. I know in my brain it’s trying to give me wishful thinking of a different outcome but I had to tell myself...
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I tried to save my husband from his depression and anxiety by finding multiple therapist we tried medication anything I could do I did to make him happy and in the end I feel like I just wasn’t enough I blame myself bc I feel like I could have done more to stop his suicide the thoughts torment me of why me and the kids weren’t enough
There is no death, only transformation.
We are spiritual beings, whose essence continues after we leave our earthly form.
This thinking is what sustains me and helps me have a good day here and there. A break in the clouds, a rest for the body from the stress of constant aching and searching. Earthly objects are impermanent. But our essence, our being, our spirit, lives on.
A seed is impermanent. It transforms. Like magic.
A plant changes every moment right before our eyes.
We accept this...
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Holidays have been very important to our family and now that dads gone and brother too
It all feels like some hideous horrible trick
Id rather hide alone in bed and not see anyone
But i know that isnt good for me
But i dont know how to pretend i dont see the empty places at the gatherings where they should be
Is it all forever a game of pretend?
I feel ashamed, dad would want us still to function as a family yet so much has happened and even more family drama coupled with the losses...
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I felt nervous all day, I didn't know why I was scared. It wasn't till I felt so deeply betrayed by something small tonight that it came to me. This is the anniversary of Patrick's passing to my body. What I mean is, I found out today 6/10/22. I time warped tonight, I could see everything, I confessed how horrific it was instead of talkinga bout the magic. I needed that. I needed to acknowledge the sickening. I've been so good about telling the truth but choosing to be thankful. Tonight...
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Hi.
A week and two days ago, my boyfriend who I’ve been seeing for the past ten months, told me he was going at the mall to buy clothes and instead he jumped over the highest viaduct he could find. He was struggling with the loss of his company and an identity crisis that’s been going on for more than a decade, but essentially masked or explained in positive way, as a self discovery journey. He was such a beautiful person, although his excessiveness towards his career was never something I...
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Hello all. Not sure how I am going to explain the phenomena of feeling that I don't have a right to feel my grief as deeply as I do. This is something that I brought up with my therapist when my partner first died back in November of 2021. And it has come back of late.
When I talk about my partner to others, I find myself struggling internally but at the same time I also find myself stifling my pain and any tears that may come just get pushed down. This is not a conscious thing that I do...
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…..to the people who are being devastated by the severe storms going on right now. It may be wrong to compare my emotional feelings to their Tragedy but I just watched a video of the storm and winds dumping so much water on top of everything and the winds laying flat what was in their path. I stopped and thought this is how I feel emotionally. I am so laid flat by the enormity of my losses and my grief. I feel like the water has been dumped on me and I can’t hold my footing and I can’t...
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I am 35 with 3 children my husband and I were married what would be 4 years this September. Since I met my husband he always battled depression . He had been clean from drugs for 12 years but had a drinking problem to mask his depression . We tried therapy with him , medication, he had a very close relationship with God. 2 weeks ago Saturday I took my
Kids to the movies and came home and he had hung his self . He left me goodbye text but he didn’t indication in his message that he was going...
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Hi all...
What an unbelievable week. One week ago today, my boyfriend ended his own life in front of me, in the middle of an argument, abruptly and without warning. He was in great health, smart, handsome, and just 32. I thought I would have DECADES more with him, and now he's gone.
I am not close to my family, so my support system has consisted of caring friends and my therapist. I am at a complete loss... I suppose we all are, but wow. I thought I had lived through serious trauma before...
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Just a daily check in to say how we are doing
Today i am avoiding things and trying to feel ok
My name is Amanda and I loss my 30 yr old baby boy Zach to suicide on 7/2/24. Honestly not sure how to go on myself, but have to for my daughter, husband and grandbabies. I can only hope my baby is at peace now which he couldn’t find on this earth anymore.
It's 7 months since my son Michael passed. I've accepted the pain, the grief, but every day I look at his photographs and tell myself, ''I can't seem to believe that you're gone my boy".....and cry and cry. It seems I would have control over that, but it still controls me. This has been unbearable. Even now. I am sorry...I don’t want to complain but this is such a lonely experience. Michael was a huge part of my life and I truly am alone. Thank you AoH for providing this space.
July 6th marked the 5th month of my daughter's death. July 6th is also my birthday. I received photo copies of her suicide letters two days ago. I feel like I'm dying all over again.
I lost my 16 year old son, Aiden, to suicide 7 weeks ago. This has been the hardest and saddest thing I’ve ever faced. None of our other family members feel comfortable coming back to our house yet. I’ve tried an in person support group at my church but it didn’t help. I’ve seen a counselor several times but it seems pointless as well. I feel like ill never feel joy again.
Last week over the 4th of July holiday I took my little "froggie" RPOD camper to a forest service campground.in Gallatin Canyon about 85 miles away.
It was a good trip, a little nerve-wracking with all of the traffic. That part of the state is beautiful.
I was proud of myself in that it only too 5 tries and a little bit of help to get the camper backed in.
I am getting good at unhooking and setting up now.
All of my off grid systems worked just like they were supposed to.
I spent the days...
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Ok, grandma found this picture and sent it to us. Our son was about 6 or 7 at the time. He loved to draw, and that's what he did for a living for the brief time before he took his life. I've told the story several times on here on how my son took his life in front of us. I didn't go into all of the details, but have mentioned that his face didn't even look like him right beforehand. The thing is, he died in our arms (wife and mine) and the last 30 seconds or so he looked like himself...
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I wasn't sure where to put this.... here or the relief from grief section. I sure could have benefited from this camp in my first couple years post loss.
Dax on Instagram: "This is a camp where wives go to vent out their anger towards their husbands… #marriage #husband #wife"523K likes, 55K comments - thatsdax on July 3, 2024: "This is a camp where wives go to vent out their anger towards their husbands… #marriage #husband #wife".www.instagram.com
My husband and I did everything together with the kids . Every camp, every ballgame , family events , I just dropped our daughter off at dinosaur camp and I was overwhelmed with anxiety when I got there and got back to my car bc I feel so lost like the other half of me is missing. It feels so strange doing life without him . I’m early on in my journey this will be week 3 without him . I’m trying to keep the kids busy . My 5 year old ask a lot of questions which are hard for me but I know I...
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Oh man, I haven't had a wave of anger in a very long time. I guess I'm due.
So angry!!
I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me and now I feel so completely broken! I did not deserve this! None of us did! I hate mental illness. It's not my fault!! I looked after my mental health and poof!!! I just want to scream. My head hurts so bad right now.
How the heck am I going to dig myself out of this financial mess, this emotional mess, the COVID mess, the state of our nation? All of it feels...
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Everyday is a challenge to get through. I'm almost 5 months out now. But everyday I can't get my mind off of it. Lately I have been waking up and just sobbing uncontrollably.
It takes everything in me to calm down. And still my day is full full of anxiety. Is this normal? Is it possible to feel your brain hurt? Bc I feel it hurting.
……the other day I was watching a show on Netflix. One of those shows that spotlight areas or places that have unexplained phenomena. During this show, one episode highlights a man made lake that some many years ago was created to generate power and be the water source for many areas below it. When the lake was created supposedly all cemeteries were evacuated and the dead moved elsewhere. Nonetheless there were many unmarked graves as the area was lived in by Native American many years...
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Without you
The sky is darker when it rains
the rain pours heavier
and falls harder
soaking deeper the ground.
The thunders are louder,
the earth rumbles and groans
as I never heard before.
My heart bursts,
as I sadly feel,
this summer storm,
In my body and in my soul,
Without you.
Missing you always, but so strongly tonight as it rains,
YourFourLeafClover
Hello.
My mom died at 56 in Feb. of this year (2024) 5 months ago. I’ve attended some online support group, but am just joining this forum.
(Method Warning) She took all her meds following a long struggle with depression and we found her/called 911/she passed at hospital. Still awaiting autopsy results.
I’m the oldest child and have been doing logistics. I just got the last item I need to close estate. She had a simple estate - car, trailer, small bank account so I did myself...
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My wife and I take our kids back to our home town to see relatives the last few years during July 4th week.
Last year our son Nathaniel came along, and we had a great time together.
He cut the trip short and decided to rent a car and drive home alone, which was odd, but as an adult he could make his own decisions.
Later we saw this was likely the early stages of his emerging mania that led to two in-patient hospitalizations and his bipolar diagnosis in the last half of 2023. Then we lost him...
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I lost my boyfriend by suicide. It will be three years on July 31st. He was/is the love of my life. Finding my own purpose was the hardest thing after his death and I still haven’t found it. Even till today I just try to spread love and live life because I know that we’ll be together again on day.
Today is hard. This week has been hard. Not because it marks 6 months. It's his favorite time of year. I didn't see his head popping between neighbors houses as he would run from to house to help shoot fireworks. I didn't get to Yell at him to put/keep shoes on while being around the fireworks, cookouts, lawn debris. I didn't get to panic and worry if I would need to make a trip to the ER in fear you he would accidentally burn a body part. I didn't get to hear your endless stories if each...
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First birthday without Dad. Everyone feels differently about it but I have been really happy today - a little gift from him maybe. Lots of things to live for. Am preparing to submit my visa application for postgraduate study in a different country.
And I'm gonna do real good at it. That's my present to you. Happy Birthday, Dad.
I've heard it mentioned on many strings here, brain attack. 'Brain attack' is absolutely correct. We were unfortunate enough to witness our son's suicide (or maybe fortunate depending upon how you look at it). He showed up at our doorstep 36 hours before the act from another city. We knew something was off with the odd comments and just showing up (although he just showed up before since he only lived 2 hours away), but didn't put it together with psychosis until after the fact. Never...
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Hello, I’m new to the forum and grateful for this platform to connect with others who are trying to make sense of loss, pain, and trauma. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
I’m looking to connect with women whose partners died by suicide as part of wider domestic abuse. On leaving my long time partner, he was arrested for stalking me, and then died by suicide to punish me. We have a young daughter together and I’ve spent the past year helping us recover and try to make sense of...
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Yesterday was one year mark. My husband and I had an argument on July 4th. He died next day. For July 4th, I went to see fireworks with my kids. I wanted to overwrite the memory of the day to happy one. Yesterday, I took them out for dinner and invited my husband’s godmother. She was the only one stood by me from his family circle. I just sent flowers to my MIL. Got text from SIL that they received the flowers. I survived yesterday.
But it’s somehow harder today. I can feel I’m gradually...
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Many people have asked me how my husband died.
The first time I answered it was to my closest people and of course I shared his method of suicide.
Then after all the closest people knew I changed the answer to, "suicide." Then it was, "lost a battle with mental illness." Just on my last trip I answer quite differently.
I say, "Well. Some people have heart attacks. My husband had sort of a brain attack. We did everything we could and he just didn't make it. It was hard to watch his mind...
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I feel a physical pain not being able to get back to my normal life, it never goes away does it? this is it for the rest of my life always going to come to a devastating realisation that he's gone. I hate life so much, the feeling of not being in control of whats happening is awful, I hate this whole thing. I am so resentful of everyone around me so untouched and able to continue on. I remember the feeling I'd get sometimes if I couldnt get a hold of my partner over the years, thinking is he...
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I'm catching up on posts in the forum today and finding it very cathartic because I have been feeling so alone in my grief. I am sorry to connect with everyone over such an awful thing but all of the themes that have been coming up resonate for me very much. My partner passed away about 7 months ago now. I was doing better for almost 2 months and I thought it was "over" LOL. Now I'm back to crying every day and feeling like god is punishing me by taking away my person and leaving me to...
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Recently I filled out the questionnaire that Alliance of Hope sent out. There were several questions about whether the person we lost was LGBTQ. The daughter we lost was trans. She came out (MTF) two years before she took her life. I've wondered how many others out there lost trans children. I know there is a sub-topic for this, but it seems to be rarely used.
Hello all,
I’m not really sure what to start with. I guess that’s kind of the running theme of my life as of late; uncertainty . On February 17th 2024, one of my younger brothers who I was closest to, sadly took his own life. Idk why I say sadly, because it’s more than sad- it’s been absolutely devastating honestly. He was/still is the best friend I’ve ever had. His smile could literally light up a room, and that sounds cliche but genuinely, he would’ve and has, given the clothes off his...
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Only child of single dad. Lost him 7 years ago and haven't been the same since. I always knew I would find him someday, and I did. It seems to get harder the more time goes by. I'm so terrified of being abandoned. Looking for people to talk to who understand.
I am also a nurse, and work in mental health. In honor of my son, and those suffering from hardships and mental issues, I got a tatt when I was out scattering his ashes across the country.
You're journey has not finished.
Symbol of Hope and Perseverance: A semicolon tattoo represents hope and resilience for those who have faced mental health challenges. It signifies a pause in life's sentence, not an end. The movement behind this tattoo aims to foster solidarity and reduce stigma...
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I am 3 months into losing my precious mum and I hate being left with silence, but also struggling to listen to music at the moment.
does anyone have any good podcast recommendations relating to grief, suicide, healing?
thank you in advance.
This is a fictional book but was inspired by Rachel Joyce's personal experience related to her father's terminal illness.
This was the latest book I read for the book club I am in.
This book can be triggering. I did cry through most of the final 1/3 of the book.
But I enjoyed this book because it resonated with my personal journey since my son's death. In the end I was left with a good feeling.
It was difficult to listen to the discussion of the book by other members of the club concerning...
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And as soon as I heard (I didn’t know she was pregnant) I started crying.
People ask me “do you want kids?” And I never know what to say. I don’t actively want kids, meaning sit around and think about it, partly because Joe was too sick to have a baby and I chose him rather than leaving him to try to have a child on my own or meet someone new. So I guess having kids was never a big priority for me - I chose loving him. I could never leave him, he was the love of my life. It also always...
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Per my previous post, I just found out that some pics didn't post. Lets try this again.
This year has been rougher on me than the last several combined. Unsure why. Mason was only a few hours away from graduating college, and was a geography major. One of the things he wanted to do was walk to all of the states. This year, I decided to take him to some of the places I think he would have liked, and scatter some ashes. He is already in several places , including Acadia National park...
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Thank you everyone that responded to my thread about my panic attacks or any of my other threads. Finding this forum has been incredibly useful and helpful during my healing process. It confirms that most of my thoughts that I am having are not crazy, it’s just the grieving process. My panic attacks have lessened. I don’t have them every night or even every other night. I can typically breathe through them and I have been using some of your suggestions. They have really helped!
I started...
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My husband took his own life ten years ago. He had struggled with bipolar for many years. He ended his life on the third attempt. When I found him outside I felt shocked and relieved at the same time. I did everything I needed to do at the time. I let it known to my coworkers, friends, relatives what had happened. I was not going to hide it. Over the last ten years I have learned to keep moving forward, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. Many years and eight years of therapy...
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Hello, this is "Florence." Just wanted to introduce myself. My husband took his own life ten years ago.
I wonder if I will survive this loss. I could have a heart attack at any moment the pain and sorrow are consuming me. I only had my daughter for 12 years 10 months and 9 days. I feel like the biggest failure as a mother is that my daughter was in so much pain she chose out. How could she even grasp this was an option? Her obsession with Roblox was unhealthy I took it off her iPad a couple of years ago. When she got a cell phone last fall she got a new cloud account and downloaded it again...
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Hi I recently saw a friend/neighbor right after she tried to commit suicide. She did end up passing away. I am in such shock I never in my life thought I would see what I saw. I thought I could help but it was so bad. I am so sad for my friend also I need some help with this. I have PTSD from my past n I'm also in treatment for addiction. I don't even know if I'm making sense, this all happened Friday.
Thank you in advance for the support and wisdom. I’ve lost other siblings and my mother, but this is different. While relieved he no longer is suffering, so many of us here are and trying to make sense of something that doesn’t.
Even now, it feels so lonely to have experienced my mother’s suicide and know that my friends would freak out if I told them. Just recently, in a doctor’s office, I experienced that dreaded question: and what did your mother die of. I dread that usual gasp.
I never thought I'd be writing these words after losing Adam, but I'm married.
Life can really surprise you.
I still love and miss and grieve Adam with all my heart. But there's now room inside me for other emotions too.
Apparently my heart is more expansive than I realized.
Keith lets me be my whole self, which means loving Adam too, and I am so grateful for his love and acceptance.
My grief will be lifelong. As long as I am breathing, I will grieve. I have an ocean of sadness inside...
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We were in the car I was going to get his bike from the bullies. He begged me not to go. I swore at him, the first time ever. His dad was abusive and he only had me for his unconditional love. He thought I had sided with his dad and I was no longer “the vault”. I knew he was suicidal, and in my blind anger I went anyway. He felt abandoned with no one to advocate for him. I came home with the stupid bike and he was hanging in my closet. He showed me. His 16th birthday was July 30 2017...
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In a recent conversation, I was asked why do we Survivors seemingly blame ourselves. My response was that People tell us not to blame ourselves as that way we shall then alleviate our Guilt, our perceived part in such a tragic event. But that then these same people tell us that the person "chose" to end their life. But in saying this, they are inadvertently telling us that the one we loved "chose" to leave us. If that is true then we are made to feel guilty for we naturally arrive at the...
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I’m just now learning about walking or smiling depression. My son took his life at age 25. No warning. No worries by anyone that he was struggling with mental health. I did t understand what I was seeing when my son was quiet, distant and private. We loved and accepted all that he was and encouraged him that he would find his calling in life and we would support whatever path he chose. Now he’s gone. Our hearts are irreparably broken. Do I dive into understanding hidden depression to honor...
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My son’s first birthday is tomorrow. A beautiful, smiley boy who fills my heart with sunshine. My father ended his life 2 weeks ago. He was so happy we moved close by this year, he always fixing things in our house…. Gates, sprinklers, electrical wiring. His spirit is here. He won’t be celebrating with us tomorrow. I decided it was too much for me as well. I’ll be at my Mom’s house while my husband hosts a small gathering so the cousins can see my son.
Hi , My name is Laura . When I was 24 my sister Rena took her life. That was over 30 years ago and I thought that I had made peace with what she did many years ago. Recently I have had a lot going on in my life and I am feeling A LOT of anger towards her. She was an awesome, funny, loving, creative person and I believe my life would have been very different if she had not taken her life. Im having a hard time finding a support group in my area and would love for any info about...
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I never knew how happy I was, until I lost my son to suicide and became so filled with guilt, regret and sadness! I still can't get past the suicide.
I think if he had died naturally, it would have been terrible, but it would not be so hard to accept. I have got to somehow get my head out of the past. I live there now with all my if onlys. I remember feeling happy a lot before he died, now It's just gone. I thought I was a good mom before this, now I feel like a terrible mom. So many...
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I work 12 hour overnight shifts in a dementia unit. I come home, sleep 4-5 hours, take care of my house and family, then rinse and repeat on the back to back days I work. In the first few years after suicide loss, I'd learned well the importance of self care. I made sure to always make time for writing, a walk, or just sitting quietly, sometimes with music.
With the approach of 5 years on the horizon, I'm I'm finding myself extra weepy, sensitive, and irritated my pretty much everything...
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My 15 year old dog died Tuesday. He was there for me through the hardest times- when I lost my baby grandson and daughter in law a week apart. He stayed by my side after each of my hip surgeries. He was in great shape until two weeks ago- he had a fast growing tumor. I miss him so much and my young dog keeps looking for him. She is subdued and will need a new friend. One of my favorite memories of Atticus was sitting in my duaghter in law's lap on her birthday, snuggling with her. She...
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It's only been 4.5 months since my youngest stepson died by suicide. Yesterday I did "okay" by my current standards. Today I feel paralyzed...can't get up off the couch and do anything, even though there is plenty to do. I know people say the pain softens, but it's such a roller coaster as you all unfortunately know. I feel totally useless today.
I went to a baby shower this past weekend for one of my nieces. It was a 2-hour drive, and I really didn't want to go. It was going to be the...
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Hi I lost my 21 year old son August 25, 2023. I am not coping well and neither is my youngest son, he is 17. It still doesn't feel real I have crazy delusions that this is just a big conspiracy or an elaborate joke orchestrated by him. I hear him sometimes and I lost my job because of that. I just miss him so much he was my minime.
The days are inching nearer to the one year mark. This year has been a complete blur. Most days oscillating between despair, anger and numbness. As the days draw near the anxiety builds my mind can compute that Brandon has been gone that long. I can’t accept that he’s completely gone. I can see him vibrantly clear. I see his mannerisms, his laughter and smile. The deep an methodical look in his eyes when he’s in deep thought. How could he be here and then just gone from existence? I can’t...
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Today I’m moving some my son’s furniture to a family that doesn’t have much. I know Zack would approve because he was always helping others. But everything in me is screaming no!!!! Please pray for me. Thanks.
Missing him so much right now. Seeing his twin brother want to live and thrive is both beautiful and heart wrenching. We are stuck in the aftermath trying to navigate everything that comes with this type of loss. Is it common for child services to invade a mourning family when a minor completes suicide?
I’ve lost people before, people who were very, very important to me. And although I didn’t feel like I “grieved” in the way I was “supposed to”, I eventually was able to fill the hole just a little bit. But it seems as if losing someone to suicide, that hole doesn’t close. Anyone who has lost someone in a different way AND lost someone to suicide, how would you say the loss has been different? Is it longer for you too? I know it’s more confusing. I don’t even know if this question makes...
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Hello everyone,
I am honestly glad I found this website, I feel like I am going crazy just in my head. I have a family of my own who I lover very much and couldn’t live without. However, my family from my mother’s side is full of suicides 3 to be exact and a 4th one who is already contemplating the idea of leaving this earth. The suicides are all males in the family, the first uncle who passed was 34 I believe, the second one had just turned 40, and the most recent one which happened June...
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I came home from a vacation 4 days ago and found my husband deceased, he had taken his life with a gun. I was alone when I found him. Not only being very sad, I cannot get the image out of my head. I have had family around for the past few days, but now there are less people around to distract my pain as life goes on for them. I know I will get through this as I survived a tragedy earlier in my life, but suicide is different. People keep telling me it wasn’t mine or anyone’s fault, but I...
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This study has been vetted and approved for posting.
A new survivor interview study seeks bereaved survivors who lost a family member or friend to suicide during or after a reduction in opioid pain medication. Suicides of this nature have been reported, but there has been no effort to understand these losses in depth so that future tragedies can be prevented. The CSI: OPIOIDs study seeks to carry out in-depth interviews that will provide this understanding. It is led by...
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It's been only 4 months since you decided to take yourself away from us. It feel like it's been an eternity. I loved you so much my T you were everything to me as my daughter. I have spun through all the 5 stages over and over again. I scream your name when I'm driving I demand God give you back to me. I scream at home. There are times I can barely walk up right. The days feel like forever and won't end. I want to do things but I can't. My mind is always on you. I miss you so much and so...
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Today marked one year, and I've been so numb to everything and everyone. Not hearing his voice, or his laugh. No smiles. No messages... These anniversaries are so painful. A tallied day without him. Another second of searing pain. The anniversaries are the most painful.
And today was the worst of them all.
Took my grandchildren out and a bought them a present. Visited my girlfriend with the same birthday and brought her a present. Met a women at the park who prayed with . Nicky you were the best gift I ever received. Sitting on my couch crying. Thank you for the love.
I should have made him move back home. If I had known it would come to this I would have moved him back home. I would have quit my job, sat in a room with him every day and tried to make it better. I am consumed daily with guilt and regret, this has got to get easier, my forum name no longer applies, I feel everything except numb.
4 yrs now since my only Son left this world. Not a day goes by without thoughts of my Son. I try my best to accept his absence yet the grieving continues. At times tears trickle other days just pour. He was so responsible. Paid his school bills and accomplished his airplane mechanic education. Wanted to become a pilot too. Depression hit so hard...then alcoholism which drowned his entire life. We spoke nearly two hours on the phone. The next day he spoke with his father. We believe he took...
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Has anyone ever continued to live in the house it happened? Does it get better? Is it “better” to move out?
Hello , I’m new to the group . I lost my little brother and closest sibling 2 weeks ago . He was a lot like a son to me , as I helped to raise him . He lived with me on and off throughout his entire life and for 6 years in college . I found him in my own home , and my teenage children also saw the horrific scene . It’s hard to figure out how we will piece our lives back together after this event . He was such a loved and integrated part of our family . The images of finding the scene are...
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Hi all. I really miss my dad. My brother graduated high school today and I'm so proud of him, and I know my dad would have been too. The issue is that I know my mum and brother were better off without him, and their lives got better once he died. I just miss him so much. I'm lost and broken and feel like I've lost my reason for living but there's no one to talk to because everyone else - while still grieving - is better off without him, and, quite reasonably, don't want to talk about him...
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I cannot take this anymore. I just feel so insecure with my life right now after he died. I got bitter and angry to the world.
This song hit home this morning I heard it for the first time brought me to tears and describes exactly the way I feel. I know I can't be the only one. But we're all gonna be alright. Hopefully, this song helps some of you fellow grievers. All my best Izzy's mama xoxo
My older sister and closest sibling in age took her life a little over one month ago. It was the day after Mother’s Day. I don’t live in the same state anymore but I was in town visiting. I cannot believe this is real. There are no or few hints to whether or what she was struggling with. I want answers, but know I may never find them.
My son was 27 when he committed suicide. He contiplated the act for years. Lost in life despite multiple helpers. These willing to do whatever it took to put him on the right road. Years spent patiently trying to resolve the situation. Multiple rehabs. 10 years. For him, you can't say he did not have 10 years of aid, family, friends, rehab psych hospitals. He made the choice to love substances, and they brought him down.
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My brother ended his life three weeks ago. I had off until Monday, when I went back to work at the "mental health agency" I work at. I had heard nothing from this place I've worked at for 4.5 years, other than texts from my boss saying can use up vacation and sick days until ready to come back. I had texted at least 20 co-workers about my brother's suicide in the weeks after. They knew.
I took today, Thursday, off again. Why? Because of what I got from work. What did I get went I got back...
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Hi everyone,
I am sorry you're here.
I have 3 suicide losses, the most recent one year ago. I am having such trouble finding a therapist or therapist-led group. I keep finding therapists who frankly seem too frightened by the multiple loss factor, and groups being peer-led that are not helpful at all. Almost retraumatizing.
Has anyone had any luck with finding professional help?
Thank you.
When I read my Mother's Email series, I feel sad and teary. I know they are supposed to be helping me. Are they, and I just dont know it at the time? It is hard to read things, but I do want to ultimately heal as much as I can. Thoughts?
I am the youngest of 3 sibs, myself, and 2 older brothers. There was a big age gap between us, 13 yrs between my oldest brother and I, and 8 years between my brother Tracy and I. Tracy and I grew up in the same house, my oldest brother went off to college when I was 5 and as a result, we never became especially close. But Tracy and I, we had a bond I have never had with anyone else in my life. And never will. He was my hero and best friend. Everything he did he excelled at, sports, academics...
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Not gonna justify myself anymore to work, family or anyone for that matter!!!!! I loved my wife so dearly and everybody knew that .....period!
My aunt had a larger than life personality that attracted people to her. Her infectious laughter was contagious and vibrant character brought light into any room she walked in. She had a remarkable ability to make everyone feel special and valued. She was my person, the one I went to about anything and everything, the close family member I had that actually understood me and supported me, now I am all alone. Never in a million years anyone would have expected this. She started spiraling...
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I have noticed lately that quite a few members here are having dreams involving their deceased loved ones, and that many of them appear distressing to the dreamers, upon awakening. I used to do dream interpretation/analysis for others many years ago, and I would like to offer a sort of primer on dreams, in the hopes it would be helpful to others here.
I will clarify a few things about dream interpretation/analysis. It is a careful examination of the dream, bit by bit, in order to derive the...
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Hello everybody. Hope all is well since the last time we spoke. Thursday it will be two years since my grandmother passed. She passed less than a year after my grandfather's suicide. In three weeks it will be three years since he has become deceased. Wednesday I am taking a trip to the Northwoods of Wisconsin where the family had a lake property for over 50 years. It was sold in 2018 and haven't been up to the area since 2017. I figure now is the time to do it as I am renting currently in...
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I'm Deb, mother of Logan. I lost Logan June 12, 2022. He was a kind soul, brilliant and never raised a harsh word to anyone. He was a very gifted individual that only thought of others and not himself. He lived with me the last 4.5 years of his life as he tutored kids in math, physics, etc. He was a world renowned video gamer, raised money for people with mental health issues and always knew how to comfort others. God I miss him. I have 'resumed' my life if that is possible, have items of...
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I don't look at pictures from the past, so much sadness in my life all they do is drag me back and that I don't need.
However, there are old photo albumns sitting in the basement and they do not typically hold up as time goes by. We're scanning them digitally so I don't lose everything altogether, but thank goodness I have someone who will doing that for me. Otherwise I'd be an absolute wreck.
I did see one or two pictures in finding the tote and one still haunts me. My little brother, two...
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I always tell her I would love to see you. Come talk with me in my dreams. But only when your ready. It's been 4 months now and nothing yet. I figured that my grief is to heavy right now and she can't get through to me. Has anyone else had a sign or a dream and when did they first come to you.
I am beginning to ‘let go’. It has been 2 1/2 years since my son hung himself. He felt a miserable life for about 7 years. I feel like we’ve been holding hands through his stay in Heaven, and we slowly are letting go. I am confused yet know this must happen. My heart is broken.
Winter and a foggy morning here. I noticed this beautiful sight when I was cleaning my teeth today.
I hope you find a beautiful moment today or tomorrow. Staying present and finding beautiful moments particularly in nature has helped me so much on this grief journey.
The webs are on the Ginkgo tree that I planted for my son. He loved Japan and all things Japanese. For me , the Ginkgo Tree represents our survivor journey . Just as the Ginkgo tree survived Hiroshima so shall we survive and...
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Does anyone here take or know of anything natural to mimmic the effects of valium? I get days where the pain from this grief is debilitating and the only thing that gives my body a break is valium. I wont always be able to have valium so am looking into something similar enough that's natural to help with the bad days.
It’s been one week now since my Dad died. I was raw with pain the first two days. Now I can’t access those feelings, the thoughts of him in his final hours. But my preoccupation is with my Mom. Her life was so interwoven with my Dad’s. I worry about her sleeping alone or being alone in the house. Will I be able to access my grief as well? A part of me feels confused for not feeling sorrow right now. I feel anxiety for my Mom.
Andi passed early on a Monday morning while we were sleeping, but Sundays are always harder for me than Mondays. Sunday was the last opportunity I would have had to stop her. I think about going back in time to that day all the time. I would have done so much different. We didn't argue or anything, it seemed like a normal day. But, I would have taken her on a long car ride- just us. That usually helped her calm her thoughts when she was in the height of her anorexia. What I wouldn't give to...
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It's obvious that we all had our lives crushed when we witnessed, discovered or heard the news of our loved ones actions. How can we move on after such a loss. Suicide loss is one the most devastating losses anyone can go through. How in the hell did this happen to me!!!!!?????
We have to learn the hard way that we are in our own personal battle just to survive.
We have to learn to accept that this really happend, you are here in the present and there is no going back - we...
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He was a beautiful man with a deep voice and a flirty and fun disposition.
He texted me "good morning, beautiful" and "good night, beautiful," every day we were dating and then when we built a home together he said it in person every day and night.
Every.
Day.
Every.
Night.
He was thoughtful and kind. He was generous. He loved to eat out. He tipped wayyyy too much, but I loved him for it. He didn't share with me what he tipped. He didn't need to we had separate money. I trusted him
He...
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My son Sam died on March 27th, 2024, when he was 19. Yesterday I was going through my phone and deleting old voicemails. I found a couple from Sam from February 2024 when he was in a mental health facility. He used to call many times a day from the facility, and sometimes I couldn't answer, so he would leave sweet messages telling me he loved me. I am so glad I have his sweet voice to listen to, although it makes me sad to listen.
I'm trying very hard to let go of the would have, could have, should haves, three months after losing my son.
I suspect I will always blame myself, but maybe less with time.
Rationally, my son died of bipolar. Emotionally, I'm the mom and it's my job to know everything and fix everything.
As I try to let myself off the hook a little, I am starting to get hit with waves of "if I did the mom-thing right, why did I still lose my boy?"
None of these questions - even if I could answer them -...
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After my wife's tragic end.....where is it right to stop her family from taking and /or wanting all her stuff. I already relinquished her most valuable at my most vulnerable moment in life after her funeral arrangements with her family. Reluctant at that ....and no 7 months later her still still imposing her entitlement and authority upon me ....and now is emailing me ugly when I said I gave her stuff to a womens shelter and a church ...and kept what most memorable...and now she's up set...
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The other day, my pain in the neck neighbor was blasting his music. It was more annoying than ever as I’m trying to seek as much peace and quiet as I can. But then Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb came on. My friend’s favorite band and one of her favorite songs. I smiled and shed a tear. Next up was Billy Squire’s Stroke Me. My brother was crazy about Billy for awhile. I thought it could be Tom. The answer came in the next song, Steve Miller’s Abracadabra. Tom and I loathed that song! Still...
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Here's one of my favorite stories: One of my son's friend's sisters - through no fault of her own - high centered a corolla or similar on a concrete pylon in a snow storm in a parking lot (under construction, unmarked, deep snow). She calls her brother, who is an hour away, so he calls my son to help her out as he is much closer.
Meanwhile, a loud, aggressive, well known to the police male shows up and is yelling at her, scaring her. So she calls her mom, who calls the police; mom now has...
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When he was young and in scouts he was trying to collect merit badges. One of the merit badges was to have a bug collection. I was trying to help him with this. We loved to find bugs and examine them.
The problem lay in the fact that the merit badge book wanted the bug collector to pin the deceased bug onto some type of board to mount them. So obviously that meant he had to kill the bug prior to mounting it. The merit badge book described ways to kill the bug without damaging the integrity...
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I have posted several of my grief-cations the past several years.
It is so helpful for me to get away and do something different in getting out of grief "funks".
Summers are hard since my son's death July 2017. I remember all of the lasts of that summer. It really brings me down.
I vowed this summer to be different.
Last fall I bought a new to me 2015 RPOD travel trailer that I can towed with my Toyota 4Runner. I spent the spring fixing things and getting ready to take out.
Last weekend...
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Today is the birthday of my friend I lost many years ago. I came across something I'd written shortly thereafter and would like to share it.
"John, something really bad has happened. Joe committed suicide." These are the words coming through the phone at 3:00 am on this cold March morning, from my friend Andy.
The world has changed. Some undefinable force is pressing down on me. I fall back against the kitchen counter. I look out through the sliding glass...
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I lost the most important person to me and didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late
I don't know to best explain what I feel. I just talked with C's mom (my MIL) over the phone. And it hurts me when we talk about things she does, things I do, things other family members do. She asks me a lot of questions to catch up. Inside me, a big "WHAT ABOUT C!!!!? I don't want to talk about anyone else's lives! And I get mad inside!! Is it anger? Is it agitation? Resentment? My MIL told me she wants to call me every other week to catch up, and I thought, NO! I can't! I have all these...
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I hate this and everything about it. I am a bundle of nerves. I don't want to get out of bed but I have to.
I didn't get out of bed yesterday and I don't want to get out of bed at all
My plan is to breathe through each emotion,
I have laundry to do and emails to write and a work trip to prepare for and my emotions are swallowing me up. Our minds weren't designed for this. I feel like I've been beaten up.
I haven't eaten in over 24 hours
I'm scared and I'm tired. I weary.
It's getting easier to live with the fact that my husband died by suicide and I don't like that.
So many things I hate about this whole experience. Gosh, I haven't been this angry in a while.
It doesn't get easier. It just gets different. I hate it.
It's like a giant boulder in the middle of wherever I'm walking. Every stinkin' path I take has this stupid boulder in the middle and I have to learn to walk around the boulder. I wish I could blow the boulder up and get it out of my way.
At...
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Hi all,
I discovered Father Richard Rohr's work via Brené Brown's Unlocking Us podcast, and I've been on the mailing list for his Daily Meditations from the Center for Action and Contemplation ever since.
I thought I'd share the one that just arrived in my inbox, because it's absolutely beautiful.
The Universal Need To Grieve
I'm learning that solace arrives in small measures, and this was one of those moments.
Take care,
Poet
Today my daughter would have turned 28. I am turning 61, but without her physically by my side to share our special mother/daughter birthday. To make it even more special, June 23 falls on a Sunday this year, just as it did on June 23, 1996, when she was born, and on June 23, 1963, when I was born. Lots of coincidence involved here, one might say, but this is all deeply meaningful and sacred to me.
So, on Sunday, June 23, 2024, I plan to spend the day quietly, and maybe watch 2001: A Space...
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my middle son will be older than his older brother. It just another thing that is so wrong about this. It’s been 2 years & almost 4 months since my eldest left us. The hits just keep coming…my mother died shortly after as did my bonus mother. My husband’s addiction has been out of control so much so that my marriage may well be over…I’m too tired to try and hold both of us up. He had a few months recovery beforehand but now…..I don’t know…..my life is in the sewer. I am bewildered as to...
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It was early afternoon when I got the call. My big brother, frantic, saying 'Joey hung himself'. I will never forget his voice on that phone call. I was 25 minutes from home, rushing through traffic thinking I could make it before the ambulance got there..hoping and praying he was still alive and they found him on time. I wasn't sure what was going on, the call was too short. I arrived to my grandparents house. Surrounded by police and detectives. He was gone. He took his life, and worst of...
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My husband was on my mind today. I thought a lot about his(our) bad days. It’s so hard to think back and have to recollect all the pain he was harboring. It was so exhausting and frustrating at the time and I felt so helpless. But now it’s all the same emotions just amplified even more.
Although today was emotionally draining, it occurred to me that yesterday (the 21st) was the seven month anniversary of his passing. I celebrated to myself that I finally made it through a monthly...
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Hello Everyone,
I recently lost my father to suicide. He was a very nice, helpful and very confident man. His only flaw was his drinking habits which led to health issues. He started getting seizures and he began to loose his confidence to even go to work.
It made him depressed (we never realised what was he going through).
This is what we have concluded regarding his suicide but the actual reason is still a mystery to us.
Now he is gone forever.
I am finding it very difficult to cope. The...
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From The New Yorker:
It’s Mourning in America
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-weekend-essay/its-mourning-in-america
“Today, in the U.S. and the U.K., death is largely banished from the visual landscape. A century ago, approximately eighty-five per cent of Brits died at home; these days, it’s closer to twenty-five per cent, and around thirty per cent in America. Many of those deaths have moved to the hospital, an often sterile environment where, as during the pandemic, loved...
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Hi all,
Very new to this. I'm 21. My father committed suicide at the end of April. I gave the eulogy. Was very strong at the beginning and thought it would continue to be easy - and people expect me to be cool with it? Trying to be strong but have lost the will to go on. Loving him was, it seems, my reason for living.
Looking forward to talking to you all.
My only daughter and firstborn committed suicide on June 3rd by jumping into the Ohio River. She left her car on the bridge with the note taped on it saying tell my mother that I love her and I'm sorry. She also left a letter, they did not find her body until June 5th. I am so devastated but also I knew there was a chance it was going to happen because it was her third time trying in the past 3 years. I kept trying to save her from herself but was unable to. It really rocks my world even...
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Resilience isn’t really about returning back to the way you were before, but is much more about reclaiming whatever new shape your form has taken. A resilience that doesn’t really ask us to forget, but that carries the memory of whatever harm or whatever fire we’ve been through.
—Cole Arthur Riley
I found this quote comforting. I think I have been trying to return to how I was before I lost my 15 1/2 year old, precious daughter to suicide. My daughter had sleep apnea and a mood...
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The last time I saw my cousin/best friend was a month before she passed. It was also three months after I had attempted to take my own life. She didn't know that I had attempted when we made plans to hangout. We were very open with one another, I believe that she knew me better than anyone else and vice versa. So as we were chatting and catching up (she'd been away at college) we started to share our mental health struggles. She said that she had been very depressed and thought of taking her...
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….I dreamed about Johnny. He was alive. But sick. No sick like he was at the end but still sick. We had planned a family outing. We were all going. At the last minute Johnny texted and said he couldn’t go. He would do this in real life if he’d been drinking. The rest of the family went. When we got to where we were going I saw Johnny there. I approached him. Asked him why he said he couldn’t come with us. He started talking and making excuses. He started to talk angry and mean. He showed me...
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I lost my son David to suicide August 11, 21019. The last almost 5 years have been quite the roller coaster of emotions. Summer is my difficult season as it leads up to the anniversary. Oddly enough, I returned to the workforce last summer working at a personal care facility in the dementia unit. It has been a blessing and has been a huge part of my healing.
Tuesday afternoon, there was an incident with a resident being physically aggressive with staff, residents, and himself. He was sent...
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When is a pet more than a pet... always. It is a tie that binds us to some time in our life, young or old, or anywhere inbetween. A placeholder in our life of 'before' 'during' and 'after'. They always are.
In one way or another when an animal of any description takes up residence in our hearts, somewhere in our lives, they are more than the love, or frustration, we engender towards them, and they towards us. A pet, or beloved animal of any kind, is a marker in time in our...
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I just lost my 22 year son to suicide. He has battled for 4 years with his mental health and the disease took him. He shot himself in our home. I am devastated. He was the most wonderful son…his life was cut short. I am not sure how to do this.
He was such an amazing, ambitious, and beautiful person. He was an entertainer. He loved to make people smile and laugh. He was a pro-wrestler, trivia host, and in his words, a tv icon.
I met him when I wasn’t looking for anything and his personality was just so captivating. He was unapologetically himself every single day. He would embarrass me in public sometimes, but I loved how he was not shy to be himself.
He would always make me laugh. He would creep around my apartment, around the...
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Veronica was born on the shortest day of the year, June 22, 2006, in the early hours of a Winter morning. She died on the 22 January 2023, exactly 16 years and 7 months later, in the early hours of a summer morning (here in New Zealand). It is her 18th birthday tomorrow. We will get together with her siblings and friends. Her sister Evie died (through illness) on 15 June 2002, and her birthday is 2 July. We are thankful for the lives of both of these beautiful daughters, however I must...
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I’m having so much trouble these days. While I do have to worry about money, I’m not in any peril now. I try and stay in the moment, but my mind keeps racing. I am waking up at 3:30-4 in the morning, so I’m always exhausted. I’ve tried breathing exercises w some success. My therapist recently recommended a shower first thing in the morning and end it w very cold water. For those few minutes while I was freezing I wasn’t anxious but the moment I was done it came back.
I have chronic...
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I want to know your experience here.
I usually feel bad or awkward to tell people what happened to me four years ago, the loss of my partner to suicide, because I don't want to feel that they treat or look at me differently, or because the experience I had when I have done it is complete wrong answers, or missunderstanding, or people calling him a coward or other things so I just stopped doing it beause it is pointless, I am not going to get the support response I want as normal people...
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I’m so hurt and angry right now. I have so many thoughts going through my head. I’m stuck here in this life my husband and I were supposed to be apart of. Why did he have to leave me here, did he think I was going to be okay because I have our kids?
Every time someone does something disrespectful I just want to scream at them and tell them maybe he would still be here if you weren’t the way you are.
Sometimes I wish I would’ve told him we can move away from this situation and have our own...
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I feel completely lost without my beloved husband. Completely torn in two. He was everything in my life.
I really don't understand Bipolar, but I do know his blood pressure was at 180/135 for two years. He stopped taking Lithium 7 years before he died. I'm mad ar myself for not keeping him on the medication. But, he did promise everything was okay.
Finding my husband just before the new year, lying in the front room, thinking he passed out from blood pressure, then...
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…… for my 3rd son and his wife. Please pray for clarity, discernment, healing, and understanding.
Ya’ll are the best
Last night, I went to a brewery with his parents. It was a brewery he used to host trivia nights at on Wednesdays. I was playing with this little girl that just loved my boyfriend. And last night, in the car ride home, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
How could he hurt us like this? Me? His parents? The people that work at the brewery? That little five year old girl? How could he do this? I get it. When a suicidal person is going to commit, they aren’t thinking clearly about the...
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I lost my brother last month. We were trying to get him help, I spent hours/days on the phone with him convincing him to go inpatient as he cried to me how close to going he was. Sometimes I torture myself that I should have called 911 even though a part of me thinks we never know if going inpatient would have helped ease his pain. My mom had taken him to ER just two days before it happened and they turned him away. He was such a free spirited, kind, and talented musician. The last year...
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My husband died of suicide on Sunday. I and our son have been in shock and in pain. Yesterday I felt that all was too much and started to think of escaping and joining my husband. However, almost immediately I thought of our son and even our dog. How could I hurt them?? At that moment I gained a clarity: suicide is a disease and my husband died of this disease because what have happened on Sunday and all the emotional and down the road financial devastation couldn’t push me to kill...
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I feel lucky to have known her at all. She was the most amazing person. We were a year apart and together since the day she was born. She was an amazing artist, pianist, poet, and fashion designer, she was wickedly funny and deceptively quiet. Even though she was younger than me I've always had so much admiration for her. She was truly the kind of person who made the world a better place just by being here. So while it hurts that much more to continue living in her absence, I still feel...
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How funny that my birthday is now a federal holiday?
Ha! WOW!
Did okay yesterday and had a very nice blistering hot birthday!
Went to work for a little while and got a very nice card from my staff. I don't know how they found a card shaped like a blue morpho Helena butterfly!
It made me feel really special. Especially since it just randomly was donated at the thrift store and fell into their hands!!
A sign the things work out and signs come for us if we stay in this moment.
I had lunch...
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My daughter committed suicide August 7th 2022, she was about to turn 23. I think, from past experience of loss, that the second year may be the hardest, that’s when it really settles in on you
We said goodbye to my Dad today. The mortician did a beautiful job cleaning him and making him look like my Dad. My sister and mom were crying, I felt detached and got a headache. It’s been less than a week… I get bouts of emotion but don’t cry. I’m usually the emotional one. A member suggested I read “Signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson. I’ve been reading it… trying to connect to my Dad and look for our communication. It’s only been 5 days.
Outside sitting in the rain and don't care ....I'm so sad anymore....trying to feel myself again and can't ..... crying almost everyday..... still semi functional but love a duck ....where am I ?
I lost my boyfriend a month ago and without a doubt, I have a panic attack every single night. Some are long, some are short. All have me unable to breathe or talk. When I lay in bed trying to sleep, I think about him. The way he killed himself, the details, his body in the casket, his last voice mail to me; it all haunts me tremendously. When I miss him, I look at photos of us or listen to his voice messages or read our messages or listen to that last voice mail. Which usually ends up with...
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Fri a second suicide at work.
I was there and helped with the fallout.
Brought up my daughter's suicide. I was sad and saw my healing.
Thank you all for being there for me.
After my wife committed her final act.....her family has been angry so angry at me they blame me. Her mom , she made here to the house that fatal night . She has been supportive but ...they the family have tried to come get everything of hers even two days after her death after funeral arrangements. Now , with on and off emails and a phone call now and then her Mom again wants to come sort thru things and wants her diaries....which reflect her borderline disorder....rough to read kinda of...
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It’s been 5-weeks today. I am a broken shadow of myself. I am in counseling, yet my physical body is revolting with very possible grief reaction.
My sweet boy would have been 30 on 5/24. He was brilliant, smart, quirky and funny. He was on the spectrum and suffered from mental illness most if not all of his life.
The end of his life feels like something deeply impulsive. He was struggling, but swore he had no suicidal thoughts.
After his death, his bank records showed he was drinking...
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I just recently joined this forum after my therapist recommended it. I posted a little about our story on the "getting to know you" page.
Short Recap: I lost my 25-year-old boyfriend to suicide a month ago. We were together for only 3 months, but we were inseparable. We loved each other instantly and knew that we met our person. We were so happy. Our relationship was rocky in some parts as both he and I struggled with mental health and stress. I am a recent college graduate who was stressed...
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Hello, All. - I lost my 27 year old son (my eldest of two boys) just over a year ago. He was a curious, yet amazing young man. From day one, we felt he was different.....an old soul maybe? In early childhood and as time went on we saw him exhibit his extreme intelligence and unique talents, as well as his struggle for "place". (He had a very high IQ, seemingly a semi-photgraphic memory, and a great ability to synthesize information.) He was eventually diagnosed as being somewhere on...
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I am mind blown over the emotions I'm feeling. That my daughter's are feeling. We're working on trauma and anxiety. Our walk with God is so beautiful and I attribute this because of the suicide as well as the attempts of suicide of their sister, one of my daughter's, who also lives with epilepsy & schizophrenia. Yet with the purposeful God centered as well as therapy driven work & care, I feel stuck in this place of such incredible sadness. I am so ready not to be sad. I need to happy...
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He's gone, my best friend in the whole world. It has only been a little over a week and I'm grasping at straws to remember to breathe.
Lucky me that I've gone so long without loss, yet this is how I have to learn this experience.
My adult son was always against taking pharmaceutical medication. He was a well-read, highly intelligent young man, who tended to do his research. I respected his stance on medication, and never forced this issue. Of course, he is no longer with us so I question everything now, but he had been making progress prior to taking meds and when he tried taking anti-psychotics for two months, he hated it and weaned himself off. After that, he went downhill until he died. In his memory, I decided to...
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Well my name is Jessica. I married the love of my life exactly one year ago, but he committed suicide 7 days later. So I am hurting so incredibly bad. I don't have a single friend and my family has nothing to do with me, so I'm super lonely and depressed. Bryan was the one person who had me so excited for life and ever since he died, I've wanted to die too. It's unbearable here without him especially unbearable with no friends or family to help me get thru this. I miss WHO I WAS WITH HIM...
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i lost a friend of mine to suicide in October of 2022. we knew each other for almost 2 months, and were talking romantically. he had agoraphobia and extreme anxiety, but even at his lowest he’d still help anyone that needed it. we became pretty close and it feels like i lost a friend i had known forever. he was incredible and one of the sweetest people i’ve ever met. we talked about things I’ve never talked to anyone about. i had never experienced sadness and hopelessness the way i felt...
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A month ago, I lost my 25-year-old boyfriend to suicide. We were only together for 3 months but instantly loved each other. After our first date, he told his friends how much he liked me and finally met his person, I felt the same. He committed a day after our final date in May. I saw him, we had a good time. We talked about our future together, my upcoming graduation, and him meeting my family. Next thing I know, he's dead.
I was the last person he talked to, the last person he picked up...
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This year has been rougher on me than the last several combined. Unsure why. Mason was only a few hours away from graduating college, and was a geography major. One of the things he wanted to do was walk to all of the states. This year, I decided to take him to some of the places I think he would have liked, and scatter some ashes. He is already in several places , including Acadia National park, Niagara Falls, Blue Ridge Parkway, and a few others. I took him this week to Pike's Peak, Great...
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My son and his girlfriend have been visiting. It’s been a wonderful time, but I find myself needing downtime sometimes without realizing it I drift off, remembering that I no longer have a husband.
I find myself talking about him and also about my son‘s dad. It was a blended family, and my husband left two adoring stepsons who had also gone through the loss of their dad 11 years ago, not to suicide but a debilitating illness that went on for several years.
In the midst of it all, I try to...
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Yesterday was very emotional as his father had to wake up without his son he talked to him everyday several times as his support system and this unforeseen tragedy has torn his heart it’s hard we also have two other children to be there for as we all grieve the loss we have to support each other never imagined this would ever be where our world is today
My Dad has been gone two days. Today is Father’s Day in the US. I saw sunflowers, a hummingbird, and the season of summer blossom on a walk with my husband and baby son. He is still here, just in a different form.
I’m struggling with the act of comparing. I’m constantly comparing Jake to other guys, which isn’t the least bit fair to them. Nobody will be my Jake and I need to accept that, but how do you overcome comparing every small detail to another person? It’s mentally exhausting and frustrating.
Has anyone else experienced this? If so, would you be willing to provide some advice on how to overcome this?
Today is your 21st birthday.
You were a delightful child and young man, full of love and kindness.
You charmed us with your beautiful smile and humour.
You enchanted us with your magic- and card tricks.
You delighted us with your free spirit in drama and dance.
You infected all of us with your vibrancy and exuberence.
You brought joy and happiness to the cubs and scouts you lead.
Your kindness and honesty was appreciated by all.
We love you and miss you with all our heart.
This year on Father's Day instead of visiting Rich's memorial site and having our traditional donut and coffee while just sobbing and feeling overwhelmed with sadness we decided to do something different. We live very close to the football stadium of our beloved NE Patriots. So, we got our coffees and donuts and went there instead. We still cried, but we also smiled and reminisced about happy times spent there. We think that Rich would rather have us celebrate him rather than mourn him on...
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I was awoken in the middle of the night. My roommate knocked on my door and said I had a phone call. I walked to the phone. It was my good friend Andy. We were supposed to meet earlier that night at a bar, but my car wouldn't start and I didn't go. This was 1988 (before cell phones). He said something about me not showing up and I told him why. I still wasn't processing why he was calling me. I think it was 2:00 or 3:00am.
Then he said the words that have haunted me ever since, "John...
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My 30 year old brother shot himself last Sunday. He didn’t make it. 7 years ago my dad attempted suicide but did not succeed. I am so stressed and such a mess. I am worried about my mom, my other brother, my dad, my sons. Especially the youngest. My brother had posted some social media pictures right before he killed himself some of which talked about faggots and my son is gay. He has those pictures of his uncle posting those things. But I’ve never heard him talk like that before and he...
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We lost our youngest to suicide just before the world went into covid lock down. I count the passing of time by this loss. Every holiday, birthday, or special event is anticipated with this loss weighing on my heart. I just discovered this forum and I hope to find some comfort here.
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| Hi Everyone, As part of our commitment to continuously improve support for survivors of suicide loss, we invite you to participate in our annual survey. This year, we are working with IQS Research, an independent, third-party research company led by a survivor of suicide loss, to conduct the study.Your feedback is invaluable to us. Confidentiality:* Your responses are completely confidential. Only IQS Research personnel will see individual... |
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After 2 months our chihuahua still will all of sudden jump and run to my husband's bed where he will sniff around and start howling. Then he will flop down on the rug and put his head between his feet. It's happened about 6 times. So very sad. When he sees me cry, he will come to me and get in my lap. He tries to comfort me. I am so glad I have him.
Hi all,
I’m unfortunately new to this forum. I lost my best friend to suicide 10 years ago and now my youngest brother shot himself on May 29th. He has a wife and two minor kids whom he loved very much. I’m just heartsick for them and for myself. My friend struggled with her mental health for several years and had attempted suicide a few times. It wasn’t a surprise but I do miss her dearly. She wasn’t getting better and the I think the psychiatric community did more harm than good. My...
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Today is 13 months since C died. I am experiencing a very intense grief wave. I thought the pain had softened. But it returned intensely in a way I didn't experience before. The first year, I was mainly mourning C's physical lost. Processing the trauma. And surviving.
Last three days, my daughter was in camp, and I spent my first three nights alone at home, without my daughter, without C, for the first time since C died. Alone. Lonely. Sick. I was and I am sick, with a double ear infection...
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June 10. I'll bet only I know the weather was absolute perfection on June 10 2016. Also June 10, 2017. And 2018. And 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And 2022. And 2023. And 2024.
I hope for a violent stormy power out trees down wild lightening June 10. Maybe some day.
Today is tough- my mind watching the clock ticking away every single thing we did that morning. Yet I also know tomorrow will be better. I survived the other anniversary dates, I will survive this one. It never feels that way, but I...
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We've all lost so much ! Our lives are forever changed . Forever lost so called friends and dear friends at six months. Family is torn apart . Work is torn apart . Life IS torn APART
My husband had a nervous breakdown due to work stress and voluntarily quit his job. He was experiencing severe anxiety and depression, but I was certain he’d recover. There simply was no good reason to kill himself besides his own paranoia about getting arrested and going to jail (all of which was 100% delusional and unfounded). He would get irrational fears when very stressed, but he had no history of suicidal behavior or drug abuse. To the world, he seemed like a friendly, accomplished...
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I have heard a lot about the importance of being kind to myself. Could anyone explain what that really means and how do I practically do that on a day to day basis? Love, Karen
I feel like I don't get or recognize many signs from Rich, but I sure did this weekend. Some friends and I went to a casino to do some gambling (slots) and see a show on Friday. I had my allotted amount of money to bet all set. Before I left I asked Rich to help me out if he could.
The first slot I played $60 gone just like that. I decided to play the NFL machine and chose my NE Patriots as my team. Rich and I lived and breathed the Patriots. If they were playing...no plans for us. Before I...
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The pain is alive and searing. Searing. I am angry today, so angry at so many flawed people for not helping him more. Myself most of all
I lost my son 3 months ago to suicide. How do you go on? Everyday is agony. I miss my sweet boy every second of everyday. Ever since that night my life has been in complete upheaval, specifically my home life and my marriage. I isolated myself from my husband as I blamed him for my son’s death (he was home with him, so was not), but I think I’m just deflecting because I blame myself for not being here to protect him. In turn my husband sought solace from his therapist and had an emotional...
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Baking, cooking, and gardening are therapeutic for me. I feel like I accomplish something, and it helps me to give some of it out for those near me who are struggling in some way. Last night I baked a couple of loaves of banana bread. One, I will give to a neighbor whose wife is recovering from surgery. Today, we are pulling some of the fruits of our garden. I plan to make pesto today with some of that. We also are going to make pasties, which is an old family recipe and tradition of my...
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Just starting this thread for the quilts I have made.
It is another "tool" I use to get out of my head.
These 2 quilts I finished last year. They had been in my bucket of unfinished projects for over 5 years. I took the to a local longer quilter to get them quilted. Then I decided to keep them for me....
When my wife passed away last November, I made a commitment that I would see her desire to plant a memorial tree. She wanted this tree to memorialize my parents, who both died in 2021, after 66 years of marriage. This tree was originally to be planted on the 16th of last month, but was postponed the day before, when I discovered JohnThomas' lifeless body in that Galveston hotel room. Well, I've seen this project through, my wife's ashes spread below our new tree.
I do not have...
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It's been a few weeks since I have posted something in this forum, and mostly that's all due to he fact that my healing process has disconnected me for a few weeks.
26 of January of 2024 for the rest of my life always bee a day that savaged me like a brutal wild animal with the worst kind of news an an older brother I could ever hear, a kind of pain that sadly and utterly un-enviously we all share in one way or another, but this post I now write is to make one thing extremely ands utterly...
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Hi, I just wanted to say that I have been turning to this forum quite a bit the last few days and it has helped. To read the loving, thoughtful, care people put towards myself and each other is soul healing to me. So is being able to be heard out...my complicated and intense thoughts and experiences getting to leave my brain and get turned into a post helps me both feel heard by others and quite frankly it helps me clarify what I'm thinking. I'm nervous to seem like I'm bragging lately...
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Look who I spotted on my winter walk today! A beautiful black swan. Apparently there are two well known critters living in a nearby lake. These rare swans have origins in Australia, but it looks like they have travelled across the Tasman ocean.
She passed this year, and her note is dated Dec 21st 2021….when she was now getting sick right after the Covid vaccine.
But the note is in one of her 2024 diaries.
the same month she did it. She used the same note?
She made requests of being cremated and where she wanted her ashes scattered where her grandfathers was. To hide her body and say she died of a stroke, as she didn’t want the marks on her neck being seen.
She asked me, her mummy to take care of her brother and daddy and in her...
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Lost my brother to suicide just over 2 months ago. Grief journey is going; it’s definitely not a linear thing and lately I’ve been trying to come to grips with the finality of it. It’s overwhelming thinking I’ll never see him again.
However, the other day I was driving around with my fiance and the lyrics to Free Bird by Lynrd Skynrd popped into my head (just the refrain “and I’m freeeeee, as a bird now”). I had the urge to listen to the full song as I got home.
The lyrics are very...
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…..are here for a visit.
I love both of them so much. I am so thankful that they are here.
But it makes me feel the void of my other 3 sons. I miss them so much.
the pain is unbearable.
My husband and I were 4 months from being empty nesters and although I knew of stress at work and uncertainty about job future I thought we were BOTH looking forward to our new future. He took his life April 17th at our family retreat and his mother is the one who found him. There are days in a row where my daughter and I are happy and enjoying all the moments that go along with graduation- and then I fall apart. Really apart. The high highs and low lows are exhausting. How do I help my 2...
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I met the love of my life at 19 years old, when I first moved to college. Attached at the hip, we went through everything together. We shared evert dark secret we had, fought every battle together, and each thought the other person was the most special human being in the world.
Unfortunately, our relationship was not healthy. We each needed to learn different skills related to taking care of ourselves; the longer we stuck together, the harder it became to move in a direction we wanted to...
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Hello.
I got some energy today to water paint. Guilt still hovers over me and I still don't understand. So In memory of my late husband, I painted a picture of my new Betta Fish. A bit corny, although it was a little relaxing.
i'm not ok. i never am. don't even know why i'm still alive. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE MYSELF
i need it to stop, i need it all to stop
i'm sorry
my brain doesn't work anymore. im too broken
Hi Everyone,
We woke up to find that Amy Dickenson recommended the Alliance of Hope Memorial Wall in the Washington Post's "Ask Amy" column today. See the article below.
"Ask Amy: How can I memorialize my late uncle? She wants to memorialize her late uncle, who died by suicide over 40 years ago.
Advice by Amy Dickinson
June 8, 2024, at 12:00 a.m. EDT
Dear Amy: Forty-two years ago, my uncle died by suicide. I was very young at the time, and for years was...
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This is kind of a strange thing to write about maybe? Generally speaking sex on its own can be hard to talk about, but within the context of grief it feels IMPOSSIBLE.
But in the last couple weeks I’ve felt something completely new that I have not felt in a long time - even in the final part of my partner’s life, because he was so sick and everything was so hard. Desire.
At first it was tiny, tiny glimpses when I saw someone attractive. Then last weekend I went to his college reunion and...
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Upon the suggestion of my dear sister friend IrisForHer, I am requesting that my son's name, JustinM, be added to the name heart please, when you have time. Thank you for doing this kind act. Peace and blessings, Justin's For Ever and For Always Mom
My morning routine is a nice hot cuppa tea, followed by 20-30 mins of yoga. I don’t plan what I’m going do on my mat, I let Adriene surprise me and follow what pops up on her channel each morning...
Today I woke knowing I needed to be extra gentle and kind to myself and strangely this one popped up..YOGA FOR SUFFERING ..I encourage anyone who is in the need for some extra self love and care to follow this one…It’s only 20 mins long and very gentle. It helped me, I hope it helps you…Give it...
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I lost her.
My best friend of 4 years, that i've known since middle school, shot herself 40 minutes before i entered her home. Only her roomate and i saw her lifeless resting against her pc . she was so cold, and wouldn't respond to me when i shook her. If i would have been there so much earlier, or texted her and talked with her i could have saved her. i regret not checking up on her more. she was too young, we are only 21, why did she leave me, all of us? why didn't she talk to me? I...
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Finally, I sold his car. The car he drove to his mother’s. The car he was on when we had the last conversation (more like argument). Since it was parked at his mother’s house where he died, it became the center of tension, too. MIL refused to give me back the key for a while. It was parked her driveway too long, developed mechanical problems, etc. But today, I sold it!!! I sat in the car for a while and had a conversation with him. It was a bittersweet moment. We had so much happy memories...
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I was 8 years old, my brother 7, sister 5. My beautiful mother at 36 became a widow with three young children. I developed borderline personality Disorder. My life has been plagued with depression substance abuse underachievement. I often wonder who I could have become if he hadn't left us the way he did. I think I've forgiven him. I think I understand why he did it. He must have thought we would be better off without him. I think he was wrong. But who knows. So many what ifs.
I've gone back to work to fight off this agony and pain. I'm so broken . I work in an ER.....
..I've put myself in a psych ward for a few days even.... I've enrolled and completed 8 weeks EMDR... Continued another 8 weeks..I've prayed to God and talk to her all the time....I've done accudetox therapy. I've started another garden therapy ....I've hot tub therapy.....talk on forum therapy and even friends and family therapy..... Nothing seems to touch upon this kind of pain and grief . This...
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I can’t wrap my head around the fact that’s it’s been 365 days since my dad took his life … 365 days I didn’t the get the chance to say goodbye, 365 days of not being able to phone him, 365 days of experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, 365 days of going through a time warp (has it been a few months or many years?), 365 days of looking forward to special occasions but remembering we’ll never experience them with him (Christmas, Birthday, Father’s Day, - coming up etc.), 365 days of...
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I volunteered to work with kids at a day camp this weekend. I've been doing it for several years prior to losing Justin. I always made him come with me and he begrudgingly did ha ha. I think he had at least some fun.
I thought I was okay with doing this but I was wrong. I got through the first day and I'll finish it out but it's so hard. I found myself resentful of everyone there with their kids. Then feeling upset with myself for feeling that way. Then to top it off they had a special...
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Hello,
I lost my spouse of 8 years together 10 years to suicide back in February 2024. My life has been off it's axis and I find navigating this grief so complex and lonely. I recently went into a tailspin of anxiety and still working my way out of it. It was like I was brought right back to the day I found out he died. I have lost loved ones before but I have never felt grief like this. The emotions are like a ferris wheel and my mind is constantly racing. He left me behind with 3 daughters...
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This will be the first Fathers Day without my son. I'm his mom so Mothers day was horrible. I always celebrated him as he was my grandkids Father. I am at a loss for what to do for him and his children. Do any of you have a special way to celebrate your son?
I have no clue even how to start this introduction. Please call me Moss, and on April 28th, 2024 I lost my Partner to suicide. . I don't know what to do or how to feel. I am surrounded by supportive people but feel utterly alone. I just don't want to feel alone in this anymore.
Hi, I'm feeling sad this morning. I went on a zoom call yesterday afternoon with friends for survival. Although I liked it it was triggering for me. It was my first time seeing moms who are in grief and trying to survive each day like me. Is it normal the first group meeting to feel anxious afterwards? I don't like this new normal it's hurting me so bad. One of the moms said last night that she can't do this anymore and I say that all the time.I have told my parents during this time that I...
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This study has been vetted and approved for posting.
The death of a loved one due to suicide can include a variety of emotions and experiences.
A research study at the University of Southern California seeks individuals who have lost a loved one to suicide in the last 5 years to discuss the situations your loved one experienced before their death.
To participate, or learn more, visit:
Qualtrics Survey | Qualtrics Experience ManagementThe most powerful, simple and trusted way to gather experience data. Start your journey to experience management and try a free account today.usc.qualtrics.com
For questions...**
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This morning right before I woke up, I had a very brief, but happy dream. I dreamed that my youngest daughter called me from the next room, "Mom, Derek is being retarded!" ,then I heard his laugh. Oh, how I long for those days. Derek bickering with his little sister. She longs for them too. It was a brief moment of happiness to start my day. A gift from my special son.
This month my 18 year old beautiful daughter would be graduating. She was excited she was looking forward to the future, she didn’t like pain or IV in her had when she was sick etc. After she was doing so well, the doctor just took her off medication when she asked to be off. I too thought if the doctor thought she was ready then she must be better. She was scared, terrified of getting back sick. She asked me mummy why couldn’t I have a physical illness instead, she told the doctor maybe if...
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I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. But it’s here. One year.
I’m sitting on my porch with coffee and pictures of Joe. Last night I had a couple drinks so I would be able to sleep. I don’t know exactly when he died but it was soon after he and his mom went to bed on June 6, so I assume relatively early the morning of June 7. I thought around midnight and 1am, when I was still up, this is likely around the time Joe was dying. But the thoughts were fleeting and I was able to sleep.
I woke...
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I lost my husband of 16 years and together over 18 Years on May 13. I’m still in shock . Complete despair. He helped raise two boys since they were 10,12 and we have 2 boys together 15 and 11. He shot himself on Mothers day more importantly it was also my sons birthday but he passed right after midnight. To say my home is a mess our lives are in shambles doesn’t even sound real. It’s like a nightmare we can’t wake up from. I’m hoping to find away to deal with all this
I haven't been on here much because I had to take care of my mental health. I am doing better. I have been on this road a long time, but my loss here and the pandemic and other delayed grief made it worse, trauma, etc.
Since I had time off this week I thought it would be a good time to go to the cemetery to visit Brian since it is over an hour away and I need a break the next day. I haven't been on a "long" trip since I got my new hip. I can tell I need to rest today. Anyway, I was...
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This journey would be a lot easier for me if I didn’t have chronic pain. Lately I’ve been waking up w terrible anxiety every day. I’m worried that I’m not taking good enough care of myself and I’m really worried about finances. I am going to talk to a lawyer about SSDI today. I also have been doing EMDR therapy weekly but I now spend my days just trying to feel OK. Any bonds w my wife’s family have been broken because long story short when money is involved you really see the true side...
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So not sure if this is a good thing to discuss or if this is the right place, but people who know what happened, probably are at least somewhat aware that the survivor is at a much higher risk of suicide and they know you might be on your own a lot of the time.
So, knowing that, why do they leave your message unread or not respond or make promises and let you down.
Sometimes I can send a message and it can be hours or days before I get a response.
People offer support and say they are...
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My son took his life on Tuesday. He was 26 years old. I can’t stop replaying the events in my mind. I’m broken. I’m internally blaming myself for not preventing this. As a mother, I should have saw the signs or been alarmed. I’m trying my very best to be “strong” because he has siblings that are utterly broken, and some are still teenagers. But I’m weak inside. I’ve never joined a support group in my life, but I need a community, because no one else can or should be able to imagine the pain...
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I miss my son. The pain, the suffering of losing him hurts like no other pain I ever felt. I wish I had been more influencial to him so that his death wouldn't had happened. I wish he was still here, he was loved by so many. I know I'll see him in the afterlife but I miss him now and he should be alive.
I am curious about academic books on check publishers sites from time to time . Looking at the university of Texas press came up with
Grief is a Sneaky * An Uncensored Guide to Navigating Loss, 272 pages , just published 4 June as one of their banner promotion titles
her approach sounds interesting checking online I found on you tube
Why knowing more about grief can make it suck less | Lisa Keefauver | TEDxUTAustin
she is a social worker who lost her healthy young...
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I lost my son Derek October 2022. The pain has softened some , but the constant reminders of him remain. His little sister especially. She is my youngest, and even tho he was the sixth of seven children, his absence is ever present. It doesn't matter how many there are in a family, when one leaves the way he did it is ever present. I am now caring for my elderly parents. Living with them has been so difficult. My mom is constantly saying she wants to die and should just kill herself. I...
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I lost my niece on 2/28/2023. Bre was only six years younger than me and more like a sister. I just still can't believe that she is gone. We never thought that she would be the first to leave us. I was there when she was born and it feels like a piece of me is missing and she is never coming back.
Bre was on life support for a week after they found her hanging. I had so much hope that she was going to make it. I didn't even go to say goodbye to her. I just figured I will go see her when...
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As I was traveling home from work at around 3am today, it is very difficult and extremely taxing to feel the grief that l feel and realize that I have no one to share my feelings with. I think about Martin and my little dog a lot of the time and then I sit alone in my flat feeling a lot of hurt and deep isolation from the people around me. Who really wants to share this given that he died a few months short of three years? All I can do is try to deflect my thoughts and feelings away from my...
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I feel so sad today. I am sick. Last Thursday I got pink eye, Saturday laryngitis and lost my voice , and today I just came back from the doctor with a double ear infection. Prescribed antibiotics. My daughter is at camp. I left her there yesterday. First time she attends a sleep over summer camp. It is a camp for grieving kids. First time I sleep on my own since C died, almost 13 months ago. I was looking forward to have these three days for me. And I'm sick. I don't have energy. I don't...
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My son who died in November had just been diagnosed with BDA. He had been discharged from a three month hospital stay and died two weeks after discharge. I had just starting learning about this horrible sickness and trying to learn how to relate to him in a positive fashion. Do any of you have any loved one who had this? I feel tremendous guilt that i did not know this earlier and of course the what ifs churn through my mind. One thing i do now know is he was suffering terribly..more than I...
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Why do people tell you how you should be feeling! When they have not got a clue . Nearly a year on from losing my son . I was told how I should feel and time to move on and turn the page . I must admit I lost it and said ‘ if you were in my shoes and it was one of yours , would you ?you have not got a clue and until you have don’t presume you have the right to tell me to move on . He was my life . I gave birth to him ‘ I must admit I did get a sorry
The night before my husband lost his battle with mental illness was an emotionally intimate night which worried me. He hugged me and cried into me and said that he was sorry for all his failures. He had never cried in front of me before, much less been that vulnerable. I was in shock. I wanted to be supportive. I didn't know what to say to him at the time because I'm not a counselor or therapist and I didn't have the training to walk anyone through the type of complex emotions he was...
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He left a suicide text to he wife three days ago. Police haven’t been able to find him. My beautiful boy is the reason I use to smile the minute I heard he’s voice . I can’t bare the news that I might never hear it again. How can any mother feel
Like going on with life with part of her gone.
When someone, who barely knows you says,”May I ask what happened?”, it is fairly certain that they should not. This happened to me, just a few days ago on my walk around our very long block. I was polite and told her I wasn’t able to talk about it . I am pretty sure she knew that I have lost my son.
I felt violated and upset. Have you had similar experiences? Which responses worked best for you? At what point does concerned interest cross the line to becoming invasive?
I keep asking myself why why why! Then I cry and scream. I sit outside alot now. I never use to sit outside. I feel like a basket case bc im talking to my counselor and my psychiatrist. I feel like I'm losing control over my own life. I even got sunburned bc it got hot over night where I'm at wasn't expecting that. I tell myself I cant do this I'm sorry but I can't my T. I'm just at a loss here. I mean when I think about what happened I'm still in the surrealness of it and can't believe...
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Miss my son wish he would’ve opened up more how he was suffering w life and self esteem As a child he had mental health treatment but when he turned of age I had no control over his choices and he always said
mom “I’m fine I don’t need any medication “ he felt like mental health treatment was only about medicine . I can’t believe his decision was to end his life as he was soo loving I know he loved his family never a question he “never had troubles w the law or any drug’s alcohol I’ll...
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My name is Marci are left suicide text to he’s wife and we haven’t been able to find him for three days. I don’t know how to go on .
My wife and I use to go to concerts of various kinds .....she was always happy to be with me and us experiencing the event . I miss Her! Badly, Sadly and Madly.
I found my daughter Andi. She intentionally overdosed on her medication at age 19. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. I knocked on her bedroom door and she didn't answer. I then tried the door handle and it was locked. At that moment I knew something was off. I busted the door in and saw her laying in bed. She looked peacefully asleep. I tried to wake her and it took a few minutes for my mind to catch up to what was happening. I started screaming no over and over and her...
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This has likely been discussed somewhere here and I’ve not seen it. Anyone have suggestions on how to respond to close friends who after some time make you want to scream as they talk extensively about all the fun or just loving times they are currently having with their adult children and grandchildren, seemingly insensitive to your empty life? My son died by suicide 6 years ago. Everyone was completely shocked as he was formerly the happiest most logical and loved guy they knew. my husband...
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I've read some posts I really relate too ...the trauma of finding someone who you look loved dearly! It traumatic to say the very least !!!! I'm still feeling it six months in .. ....I'm missing my wife and my Life !
My Dad has been gone for a year now. Everyday is hard. My father’s house faces mine. Last May I came to see my father so we could have coffee like we always did but this time was different. No answer at the door , No answer on the cellphone so I took my key and went inside. The house was dark all but my father’s room. The door was cracked and as I came closer I seen my Dad, legs crossed , head to the left , eyes closed , pale and his 38 under his arm on his bed . I got closer there it was a...
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A pod of praying mantis eggs hatched on my deck the other day. At least thirty of these tiny creatures is certainly a sign from Adam. I’m told this is good luck. I have been called to let God back into my heart recently and I do pray that God be with all of us as navigate through life. As life is hard. And I pray for Adam to be with me as well. Now I have a sign from him that my prayers are heard. Wanted to share this everyone. Peace.
Hi there - I wondered if anybody can understand this too. I lost my husband nearly 7 years ago and I THOUGHT I'd come quite a long way since then, in many ways I have. I've raised my daughter until nearly 10, managed to rebuild some kind of life, although I've stayed in the house same job etc. I've got some lovely friends around me and I'm very very lucky still have the support of my parents who are 79. However I noticed something that my boyfriend (I still baulk at this, it still feels...
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Hello.
I got some energy today to water paint. Guilt still hovers over me and I still don't understand. So In memory of my late husband, I painted a picture of my new Betta Fish. A bit corny, although it was a little relaxing.
Hi...I lost my son 4+ years ago. He suffered from alcohol and drug abuse that led to a gradual suicide. We tried so hard to help him to no avail.
I discovered this group after talking to many people about his death and a person suggested Alliance of Hope as a magnificent place to deal with grief. I welcome connections/conversations of a similar nature.
RJ would have graduated from high school this month. I don't know the exact day. I refuse to look it up on his high school calendar lest I add another "milestone" day in this timeline of suffering of mine. My surviving son who also went to the same high school asked me if I think the school would send us his diploma. I hadn't thought about that. I don't know if I would want them to or not.
My husband has been in a rotten mood this week. He is a middle school math teacher, and his school...
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I lost my son August 28, 2023. He suffered from depression for 17+ years. He found coping skills to get thru it for that long but just couldn’t go on anymore. I still can’t believe he is gone and miss him so much.
I just got through my daughter's first birthday since passing and was proud of myself, but today is my first birthday since her passing and I was not anticipating how difficult it would be. Maybe because she can no longer send me a happy birthday message physically?
I lost my son a month ago and the pain is unbearable. He was 25 and struggled with depression and anxiety since his teens. He didn’t want help and would tell me and the doctors he was fine. He fell into addiction about 4 years ago. We lived together and for the last two years I was with him every single day. I miss him so much and I’m struggling with the reality I’ll never see him again. I also get angry that he got cheated out of his life and I’m still here. I try to stay busy but it just...
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Today I quit my job, I haven’t worked since Lewis died. I only started this job in January and I really thought I loved it but the woman I was working for is a very difficult unpredictable person. She is a functioning alcoholic and the past three weeks have been hell at work, there were four of us working there and the other employees are really lovely but now I have removed myself from the situation.
I can see that she only employs a certain type of person. Someone she thinks she can...
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Hi friends,
Early June has become a harsh landing for me.
This week marks three years since Steve made his decision.
The nature of our friendship meant that there was a gap between his exit and getting the news.
His death anniversary is on Wednesday, whilst the anniversary of the day I got the news is next Monday.
I've arranged an extra therapy session and I'm using all the support options that I can.
I'm not seeking advice, just solidarity and support.
Knowing what I know about...
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I found out recently that my wife's private pension never updated me as the beneficiary if she died, I was with her when we went to their offices and she signed the paperwork, but they never filed the paperwork and have no record of it. I did the same with mine at the same time.
At the moment it's left to her two children. I don't begrudge them getting it because they lost their mum too and it will help them out a lot.
I also feel guilty for thinking this, but I'm running out of time to...
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I lost my son on April 25th. He showed no signs of depression, was always happy, very well loved by the whole community. I am so lost without him. he was my eldest son; we were also my best friend. My other son and daughters miss him very much too, it seems they are coping better than me but it also could be that they don't want to show me that they can't cope. I have so much to say but I don't know how to put it in words, sorry it's kind of all over the place. The pain is just so...
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Hi all!
My Daddy took his life in April. looking for people that have lost someone similar. He told me he had another 30 years left and he was’t suicidal. I am lost, completely feel uprooted with no direction. My life on earth is damage! Yes he left a letter but it was only talking about his love for us. I suspect he was sick, found out recently and did not want us to watch him deteriorate. If this is true when we get the autopsy back we understand the decision. Doesn’t make it right but we...
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Hello,
As the above title states, I lost my mother to suicide about a month ago. As I was growing up, my mother battled health issues that many of us could not understand since they were so rare and unexplained. As a college student about to go into my senior year, I am really struggling with how to move past this tragedy that shocked my whole family. I joined this because it is hard to find people in my life who understand, truly, what I am going through. My mother was a light in...
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This will be the first birthday since he passed on December 4th 2023. I'm still grieving his death quite deeply. I've no idea how my daughter and I will do the day but Michael is with us.....today and everyday. I still feel empty and lost but I'm thinking we'll bake a birthday cake. Coconut!
"How do I live within you, I want to know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go" a song I used to sing, a song I loved, not knowing those words would become my reality Dec 12, 2022, 1:47pm........I cannot believe it's been over a year since you left us. I have left our home, moved to another city, found an amazing job and moved forward with my life, just like you said in the letter you left me...." I know you will hate me but I hope you can move past this and live the life you...
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I turned her phone off a month or 2 ago. I still texted her phone till last week when i got who's this. So my heart shattered all over again. I answered and told them who's phone number it was and why you have her number now. Bc i was going to turn on. Which idk why but I needed to turn it back on. This person was real nice to me. He said he was only having that number for 2 weeks bc he is going to Japan. So he said he would let me have her number back. I thought that was so generous and...
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Today is three months from when everything changed in my life. Although she held on for 4 days.
Everyday is still a struggle, the visions in my head torment me everyday and I seem to get random intrusive thoughts at the worse possible time.
A few of our friends check in on me randomly, not the ones I would have expected, my family no longer do.
My work has got fed up with me still grieving, so I've taken some unpaid time off, they told me they need me to be at 100% (I don't know how to be...
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I am reading a book about the indigenous people of Greenland. One of their sayings about Northern lights is that the lights are children who have died dancing to let parents know they are ok. I just wanted to share because I love this thought.
My surviving son and I share our dream visits from my lost son. We are always glad to see him. In each dream, he has been calm and clear. The dreams feel good - we have known even in our dream state that he was gone, and we are glad for the friendly visit. Hoping for more
Not Chris or the multitude of nicknames that his friends and my family gave him; to me he was and always will be Christopher.
I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, I need some advice regardless.
My mom was suicidal throughout my teen and young adult years. If she still is, she hasn’t acted on it in years. I mourned her loss many years ago. She is not a safe person.
My child’s SO lost their mom to suicide in middle school. They are college aged now. Big events/milestones are triggers for obvious reasons. How do I comfort this adult-child? How do I comfort my child? My child feels like her...
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Hi everyone, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here and realized that my heavy heart needs to be more present on this site. I keep imagining going on a retreat. A place for some peace and healing. A time to just reflect on my beautiful girl. Has anyone attended a retreat? Was it specific to grief or something else? Did you find it helpful? Thank you for your thoughts
My daughter passed in February 2024. My car was older and I had so many memories of picking her up from school, toting her around with her friends everywhere it was hard to see my car. It was my mom car. In March of 2024, we decided to get a new car, I thought about getting a personalized license plate with her name or something to honor her so she would always be in my car. I didn't do it. About 3 weeks later I got my new license plates as I opened them I said please let it be good numbers...
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Yesterday was the village gala in the small rural community where we have lived for the past 20 years . My daughter aged 13 attended school here , it has been her home since she was born . This annual event heralds the start of the summer here . For a few years it was cancelled due to Covid . We missed it last year as we were away . The last year , 2022 she went with her Dad and I stayed back. He died in October 2022 . She didn’t want to go yesterday , and looked so sad , my heart felt...
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I got the news this past wednesday that my mom was found passed away in her apartment, after not having not showed up all day to my little sisters 12th birthday party. i live in my college town in another state and had no indication that this was going to happen until my dad called to let me know. i flew in the next day. it was such a shock i am still having a hard time believing it was real. the last time we talked she was just asking if i had made it home safely from a long drive i just...
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There are no words for what I saw when my beloved husband committed suicide. I have never experienced PTSD, but am feeling it today.
There really are no words. My husband knew I loved him, yet I don't know why these crazy life day's events lead to his suicide.
I thank this forum today.
I am grateful for those who can listen and have someone to listen too.
My heart goes out to you with my deepest condolences.
I appreciate any help walking down this road alone.
I lost my best friend a month ago…he lied and told his family that he was coming down to visit me and my family, and instead went to a different country and ended his life… the last thing he told me was that he’d “call me if he wasn’t dead yet” and I asked him what he meant, because that just didn’t come to mind at first, I thought he was joking about this girl he’d met who had gone crazy on him & that she was coming after him. He said he was “just joking” and never called me back. I...
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I was so blessed to have my best friend B in my life. He was so much fun, so caring, empathetic, spontaneous, and talented. He could sing, write music, play drums, really it seemed like he was good at everything. He had a grooviness about him that I absolutely loved. His music taste was unique, as was he. It was like he was born in the wrong time period and maybe that’s why he felt so alone too. Because he seriously was so different, unique, and special. I’ve never met anyone else like B. He...
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I lost my barely 21 year old son 68 days ago. He was an amazingly kind and helpful person, a young man i was proud of every day.
I'm really struggling to forgive myself for not knowing more. I knewhe battled depression. We did all the right things, everything I learned at school and everything the dr's said, for years. He fought hard. And when he got a bipolar diagnosis in january, it was a relief: that's why he wasn't moving through the depression, why the meds didn't work. A diagnosis...
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My husband took his life on 4.1.24. He left for work that morning like everything was normal. Instead he called off work 5 minutes before he was supposed to report and drove down by the lake and hung himself from a tree. I tried to locate him for 4 hours before I called the police, and they found him 2 hours after my call.
He left a note in his phone with no real answers, just more questions. No proclamations of love for any of us, just that he was sorry. He was diagnosed as bipolar a year...
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I lost my younger brother on leap day this year, he was just 33. Knowing him, I think he would have thought it was poetic that he died on that day specifically, he was a creative soul with a love of the poetry in everyday life. I miss his jokes and his smile, and I'm mourning all the adventures we planned together that will never happen. I'm so sad that I didn't spend more time with him, we often lived physically far apart and had a 7 year age difference, though we stayed in touch over text...
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I don't have much energy lately to share here because I am working on myself. Two months from today it will be 5 years. I can't believe it, 5 seems ridiculously long, but a part of me DOES feel it's been that long. And I miss him, but I know he is present in signs, and believe one day I will see him again. I hope he is helping hold me through my struggles.
9 weeks in and it's as rough as ever after losing my 24 year old son. No joy in life, all the crappy feelings and thoughts, still dealing with his things and paperwork on almost a daily basis. Wife is still in 'what if' world and wondering how we could have saved him. High school aged daughter (his sister) wants nothing to do with her gloomy, sad parents. At this point, his last act feels like it's torn apart the remaining family, although I do know that would be the last thing he would...
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July will be a year since my son’s dad took his life. He was diagnosed with a terminal illness so we knew he was going to die but not by suicide and not so soon. We hadn’t been together in a long time but he was apart of my life for 14 years in some capacity. We had been coparenting for almost 9 years. I have struggled everyday since his passing. Broken hearted for the pain he felt, for my son and for my new reality. All I can think about is him. He is on my mind every single day and...
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I’m at Joe’s 20th college reunion. I went to school here too and haven’t been back in 13 years.
The campus is so beautiful. Western Mass is so beautiful. It’s all so small, this tiny college in a beautiful valley in New England.
So strange to be back here after so many years.
Cried on the plane. Cried on the one hour drive from the airport. Cried at puffer’s pond, where we used to go swim and I met his friends and swam across to the waterfall. Cried at cocktail hour, had to leave and sit...
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How can I go from this to that and now in BP meds . And be told I might consider Zoloft as well .? ? Both my doctors and psych doctor are in them and they're wanting me to? Does anyone see a wrong in all this ?
…..was my therapy day. I have a standing appointment Fridays at 1:30. Every week.
My therapist had a family conflict so she had to cancel today.
I had gotten up, showered, dressed. Ready. My husband woke from his nap and saw I was still there.
He says, “Let’s pile the dogs in the Jeep and go for a Jeep trip. Find a place for the dogs to play. Get something to eat.”
This is something we’ve done a million times. When the boys were little. We never had any money. But nature is free. The...
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This song and the lyrics are so beautiful. Grief is a hard hill to climb we climb a little and fall back down.
… I can hear the words you speak when the west wind whispers
I can hear your voice ring clear in the evergreens
Am I who you thought I'd be? Am I what you pictured?
Did you have me standin' here in your wildest dreams?
… Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Just like a memory
You never left me
You just left too soon
… I'll save you a seat next to me
You're always at the table
Hope you're proud of...
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I was talking with a woman online today about our similar losses. She lost a 16 year old girl and I lost my 16 year old son. She expressed things she wished she had done differently. The things she wished she had done differently were the exact opposite of the things I wished I had done differently. Meaning she did things I wished I did and I did the things that she wished she did. Two stories with the same outcome yet we both beat ourselves up over it.
I read how complicated suicide is all...
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When my journey began, C had just turned 8 years old. He overheard the conversation that tragic morning and there was no getting around telling the truth. So, I was honest with both C and A. A was almost 6. Today I witnessed why that was the right thing to do.
C is now almost 13. He has his first "girlfriend". She's quite the piece of work, but I try to stand back and just be there when the need arises. Today, she was sad that we won't be home tomorrow. She kept repeating that she should...
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My best friend took his own life over 25 years ago, and I think I'm finally ready to start healing. I found him. I have so many emotions and don't even know where to start. My therapist suggested finding a support group so here I am.
I am 10 months in now. I am still struggling. Not really living just existing. It that normal at this point?
I do not know where I got this quote, but it feels very true right now.
The last few weeks have been extremely rough personally. I had some physical health issues and ended up in the hospital and had some unrelated medical procedures that were scheduled before the unexpected hospitalization. After getting through all that, I had to quickly get things ready to travel to visit family early this week. And I had another long travel day today.
I had the first meeting of a program...
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I just weaned myself off the nicotine replacement this week, am back on medical diet.
When I heard about Joey's suicide, I started drinking, smoking cigarettes and eating just anything. I stopped the alcohol after a couple weeks, once my birthday was past. Cigarettes are not easy to stop. But there's medical reasons why I had to stop smoking. I had to decide to take care of myself. Letting my health get bad won't bring my kid back.
I'm going to be very honest here. It's only been little over 3 months. But im haveing meltdowns everyday. I can't find anything to help. Cleaning painting or even going out. All I can do is think about her and how I want her back. I know I can't have her back. That's the cruel thing about life. Is it easier to accept someone passing if it's not suicide? Or is a loss a loss? I looked at some stuff of hers when. And the meltdown came on.
Within a month of losing Patrick, maybe the first week even, He was in my dream. He was wearing black with silver, I understood the outfit to represent the night sky because (in waking life I was feeling his presence especially strongly while looking at the stars during this time). I was also wearing these colors. We were at a party, I was chasing him trying to catch up to him to let him know that in waking life something had happened to him and if I could tell him here I could stop the...
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I'm one of seven siblings. Because there were so many of us, we began referring to each other by numbers. I'm #3. Last week we lost #6. I'm swimming an ocean of confusion, frustration and all the questions. I'm a paramedic who has had numerous experiences in crime scenes, patient care after an attempt and family support--however, all of that seems irrelevant now that it's unraveling in my own world.
This feels like a kaleidoscope that has a thousand different angles. One minute I can think...
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Hello. I lost my dad to suicide in 1988. Here to reflect on where I’ve been since age 15, and decide and create a more wholesome future for myself for the sake of the whole. Able to offer observations and lessons learned. I have definitely survived and sometimes thrived.
Seeking support for changing old unhelpful patterns in a good marriage that have been influenced partly by my father’s suicide and my husband’s brother and sister in law’s recent suicides a year ago. Local support group...
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I lost my son about 10 months ago. He was 41 years old. He took his life immediately after he found out his wife of many years had been cheating for the previous 4 years. They were planning on re doing their vows the next day. That night the man who had been cheating with his wife showed up at his door. His wife was out at her bachelorette party. I'm not sure of the details as he didn't call me. He did call his best friend and told him that the man was telling him a lot. He text her and she...
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My adult son took his life after finding out that his wife had been cheating on him for years. He's left behind two sons. Ages 17 and 10. He was my only child and the most important person in my life. It's been 10 months and I still miss him so very much. I have a decent relationship with my daughter in law, but feel like I'm betraying my son. I am getting to see my grand children on a regular basis. I don't know how to feel. Is there anyone out there with similiar experiences?
It was the 2nd anniversary of Patrick's passing this weekend and I gave myself permission to write, stretch, rest, get pretty, write to understanding people on here, and to go to a party. My friends offered to pay for my lyft to get there which felt soooo sweet. They didn't know what day it was for me, but within the first 15 minutes of being there, I felt like the only way to shift my heavy energy was to tell them I was grieving. It was amazing how warmly and caringly they instinctively...
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Hello,
I lost my Fiancé Alex almost 3 months ago to suicide. This is my first post on the forum.
Alex had struggled with SI, anxiety, and depression at different points throughout his life. But when we met, he was in a good place. He was cheerful, extremely smart, curious, athletic, and loved by lots of family and friends. His brain just had a different way of processing things. He made the mistake of going off his medication shortly after we got engaged, realized it was wrong, and then...
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I visited my son an hour prior to him taking his life so I do think of what did I miss what didn’t I say how could I have changed anything he came from a loving family and soo many people cared for him hard to understand any of this
Losing my bestfriend, husband, and love of my life is surreal. Mean neighbors..I'm so confused.
The one thing that gets me through the day is knowing he was a blessing in my life.
I come from a large Irish Catholic family. Suicide (I still can't believe I'm typing that) is a very difficult topic for us. I have not been a practicing Catholic in some years, but I find myself conflicted in the moral dynamic. I'm not exactly sure what I believe, except that if there is great Evil in the world, there must also be great Good.
I've tried to remain level-headed (that will sound absolutely ridiculous to me weeks and months from now) because I have a career in medicine and I...
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A big hello to the wonderful memories of AOH.
It's been a long time since I last wrote. I just celebrated nine months clean and sober; 3/4 of a year. I certainly never thought it to be possible. But here I am.
These last couple of weeks my sweet friend H who left this world nearly two years ago has been on my mind more than usual. Then again, her "angel-versary" is approaching. 6/10/22 she had been found in her apartment by a police officer.
I had last seen her at the same apartment on...
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We used to live in a province that was very focused on money. There I literally worked my *** off and the return wasn't bad. A couple of years ago we moved and living at the coast also meant learning to live at a slower pace. With nature all around, I'm very much at peace. This gentler way of living also meant that I could play around with crafts much more than I used to. Being close to nature also allows me to express myself in a much different way and I'm currently preparing for the Whale...
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I haven't posted here in a very long time. My intention was to stop after last year's 10th anniversary of finding my father's body after he had killed himself, but I am struggling today to find other things to think about. My father was a difficult man and our relationship was challenging to say the least, so I don't have a lot of better, sweeter memories to look back on. I have been experiencing flashbacks and nightmares and lethargy and anxiety as I have approached this 11th anniversary. I...
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My beautiful Chloe,
31 years ago today I held you in my arms for the very first time, in awe of this bundle of love that was created by your dad and I. Our little princess was finally here, making our family complete. I hope you knew and still know how loved and cherished you are. How we wish that you were still here with us. My heart is heavy as I think of what could have been. It’s almost 7 years since you left us and not a moment goes without missing you. I hope you have found peace...
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These days I'm not doing well at all. I'm afraid I got that prolonged grief even though it's only been 3 months. I can't wrap my head around this yet. I can't believe I'm never going to see my daughter ever again. She was my 4th daughter. I have 3 other daughters. But I want her back. I'm haveing a hard time. My doctors are worried about me. I feel this black hole and I can't fill it. Am I just going crazy? Bc I have had all the anxiety which hurts my whole body. I said yesterday I can't...
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I just don’t understand how my dad could be so selfish and leave us. this is so unlike him and i just can’t imagine how he can leave us so unprepared in this world. why didn’t he try to take medication. him committing suicide is so much worse than just taking medication or going to therapy.
Hi Team AOH
I lost my wife of 18 years to suicide in our home about 4 years ago. She was suffering from mental illness. I have cried a million tears and have so many regrets. But, I am doing better after 4 years.
I did some calculations today, and I realized that we had been together for over 20 years if you count the time we were dating.
I can't believe it... 20 years? After 20 years your spouse becomes a big part of your personality. I still miss her jokes and the way she did things. I...
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It has been over 9 years since I lost my husband to suicide. That morning he woke me up so he could shoot himself in front of me. It messed me up bad and I have PTSD. I have so much anger at him right now because he chose to do it in front of me and I am having a hard time dealing with it
sometimes i just feel so confused because my dad never expressed signs of depression… he was just overly anxious so none of us thought he would do this. He was also the most logical thinking, meticulate, forward, positive looking person that it’s literally impossible to fathom him doing this. I’m so confused
His writing was comforting to me on my son's death, and my hope is it will help one of you today
Losing a Loved One to Suicide
I lost my son who was 25 three weeks ago. He and I lived together and I struggle every minute feeling like I failed him and I shouldn’t be here when he didn’t get to enjoy his life and no longer here.
I logged into AT&T to turn Andi's phone off today. It's such a silly thing, but when I saw her data usage at 0, it made me cry. Oh, how my little crow loved her phone. She never went anywhere without it. It's locked and we're not sure we'll ever be able to get into it, or if we want to. I think the only thing we really want is pictures and any artwork that she had worked on. She was an incredibly talented artist and had a few self-portraits. She always included her scars on her art, never...
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I can’t imagine it being more than a year since I have seen my boy. And reliving the days before was really hard. I didn’t know what to expect. But I didn’t expect all of this flooding back as if it were starting over
I’ve posted some of my pieces on here before. This winter I tried out some new clay bodies and new techniques. Here are a couple mugs I think turned out really well, and one of my favorite little pieces — a small wall hanging I made for Joe. I have this connection with him these days through hawks, which is what inspired this piece. It is for his altar. On the back I carved the words “For Joe, Freedom.”
I have a few other of those pieces that I’m still working on — one with a woods scene...
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Hi, I am from Italy and I'm 22 years old.I lost my mother to suicide after a horrible fight with her back in 2019. Death by hanging.
I enjoy:
* Depeche Mode, Killing Joke, Nine inch Иails, Tears For Fears, Have a Nice Life and many more
* Coffee
* Computers and Electronics
* A tidbit about cars but more about EVs (i love them and i hope i can buy one soon)
* Red ales (even if i can't drink right now (tl;dr: meds)
* Recently, sometimes i go on...
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I started seeing this idea in my head a couple of weeks ago where I saw a horse on a battlefield at the end of the day. I couldn't work out what the horse was until my drive today and I wanted to share it here. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like this is my understanding of integrating my loss. I've worked on it for a month, trying to translate it and so here it is:
I recently had a vision of a horse standing in the middle of a flat, wide open field. It's a smoldering battle field just...
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My brother ended his life by hanging in early April. I went to check on him with my partner and we found him. It was really scary. At least he still looked like himself though. Just purple. He didn’t look like he had suffered. I immediately closed the door and called 911. The operator asked if there was anything we could do for him. I couldn’t bring myself to go back inside. I’m mad she even asked that because it was evident my brother was gone but I guess protocol is protocol. My partner...
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Many holiday weekends we were all together. I must be thankful for all the time spent together. My beautiful son we miss you. Nicky forever in my heart please forgive us. Love mom dad Tara Jason and Brooke
It’s been 19 months since I lost my partner and these past few weeks I’ve been struggling again with an awful feeling of extreme anxiety and dread. I wonder if this could have been triggered by a recent incident with my 13 year old daughter . I received a phone call from her school and the first question the school nurse asked was if I was driving . Luckily I wasn’t but my anxiety hit the roof , it transpired she had collapsed on the running track after a race . For a split second I...
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Hi, I lost my husband 14 weeks ago. We were together for 22 years. It's hard to start your life over again . I'm really trying .
https://www.pgatour.com/article/news/latest/2024/05/26/statement-on-behalf-of-grayson-murray-parents
He was only 30. Loved by many.
What I found disturbing about all the articles on him and his death by suicide, were the comments on how people view suicide. I guess I have been sheltered so much by all the understanding comments here on AOH, that I was just so shocked on how ignorant people are about suicide. I am not going to link these articles/comments, but a search for "Grayson...
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When my boys were little our family held tight to family traditions.
our Christmas tradition is we would go to church after Christmas Eve dinner. When we got home, the boys would get their pajamas on and get ready for bed. Then we would read to them. My husband would always start with the Christmas story out of the gospel of Luke. Then we had a stack of Christmas books that all six of us would take turns reading.
One of my very favorite books was called The Tale of the Three Trees. If you...
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Read "Milky Ways and Fireflies this weekend. The author lost 2 sons one to suicide and the other to a tragic accident. The book is beautifully written and easy to read.
It was a great read, filled with wonderful thoughts on loss and our journeys.
Pops
Our dysfunctional family finally made a plan to gather after many texts and cross words.
We have a member of our family who is chronically stressed, depressed and honestly just nasty at times.
We all try to be patient as this person is in overwhelmed mode most of the time.
Anyway, my momma's heart got to be happy for a few minutes today as we got together for a little celebration of my oldest daughter's birthday.
Making the plan was like pulling teeth. Anyway.
After the picnic, my husband...
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I lost my brother to suicide a month back. He would have been 29 years today. I don't want to be sad today or cry (atleast try not to).
I just wany everyone to wish him and give him blessings whenever he is.
"Happy birthday Sid"
Fellow travelers. On this Memorial Day, we remember our children. We pause, fall backward, charge forward with fresh determination, reflect, cry, scream, or do whatever feels closest to the impossible right thing to honor the life of the child we lost on the day our nation has set aside and earmarked for remembrance. Some of us who are more seasoned on this journey find ourselves wistfully spinning the faded, whisper-light promises of all that will never be through a tragically familiar...
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When my love of my life, my Wife ! Our pictures and hers I'm feeling like I'm reading a book of someone's Life and realizing it's ours and it's a story of a beautiful life, day , moment of a period in Time , Love ! The lack of understanding from others and their compassion for grief as it's called even for a moment know what I'm feeling. This is not pertaining to those of us here by the way. But, what I'm thinking, ,experiencing is totally LIFE Altering!!!!! Never expected a lot of what...
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We watched Christopher Nolans WWII epoch movie, Dunkirk. Michael; my son, was a historian especially when it came to war history. Through the entire movie I reminisced about him and his knowledge. I wanted to cry and sob over missing his presence. and the essence of who he was and the depth of his character........I am still grieving quite intensely. So many vivid memories and it's quite agonizing.....I just miss him so very much.
It is coming up on two years since my best friend died by suicide. I joined AoH and a local suicide loss support group about two months after my friend passed away, and I have done a lot of reading and listening (books, podcasts, news articles, grief support websites, suicide loss support websites, etc) over the last two years.
One thing I have noticed over and over again is how few resources there are for people who have a friend pass away, particularly loss to suicide. Most resources are...
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I was a corporate trainer for twenty years before retiring. I once took a class for trainers once that said appeal to all the senses since people learn differently. It’s a good way to approach life as well. When I meditate I take time to enjoy the moment and appreciate life‘s Goodness. So today I am making bbq Sauce from scratch to serve with ground beef. It is for a neighborhood potluck. Haven't made it in years but pulled out the recipe and the whole house smells wonderful as the beef bbq...
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Military suicides are now 4 times higher than the number of military deaths resulting from military tactical operations. That is a statistic I didn’t know when Ryan returned home from Iraq.
My kind, funny, loving son took his own life last September. After his military service ended, i thought he had survived the war . I also thought that the medical issues that plagued him over several years, were the most pressing concerns in his life. He and VA medical staff spent years exploring and...
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The human spirit has amazing resilience and potential for adaptive growth if we lean into healthy responses.
Like many of us, I have a 5-week span that is a concentrated collection of potential extra emotion and reflection. Mine starts with my birthday in April and spans through Mother’s Day (our last full weekend and sweet celebration together), my husband’s date of passing shortly after, and then today—our wedding anniversary. We were 4 weeks to the date of our vow renewal, one we had...
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Please tell me it gets easier to raise kids as a solo parent while simultaneously grieving…
I’d do support groups, but I can’t attend because of my job and/or responsibilities to my kids. I am not the mom I want to be and my own therapy, occasional “breaks” from family, and trying to take care of myself doesn’t seem to help. I’m 16 months out from my husband’s suicide. Our kids are now almost 4 and almost 7 and I wonder for how long I’m going to be a quarter of the mom i used to be. I’m...
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On May 16 my ex hisband shot himself. My daughter and I drove to Arlington from houston to clean and clear his home. I had to clean the blood kept ly daughter feom seeing anything! While she cleared his personal items from his bedroom and bathroom. He and I had a very close relationship due to our daughter (he was a good friend! I didn’t know he was so sad
My survivor experience has only been 3 months. I'm going into the 4th month now. I'm finding it harder and harder with each passing day. The brain fog is really bad. I'm so distracted by what happened I can't think about anything else. I'm makeing mistakes forgetting. And I don't do that.
Feb 27th 2024 I received a frantic phone call from my big sister and she did not even have to say a word after that I already knew who it was about . The call nobody ever wants to receive I received. I ran outside and collapsed I grabbed the weeds from the ground and screamed at the top of my lungs until they felt they might explode paramedics came to help me control my breathing I felt like my life ended but somehow I’m still here I now have tons of guilt he was my best friend growing up...
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Patrick passed away today, two years ago. I found out on a different day originally, but I grieved his suffering last year on this day. I tried to open my heart and suffer with him so he wouldn’t be alone. It really hurt and I ended up having to call hotline.
I don’t think that’s what he wanted, but I didn’t know how to forgive myself that he had been alone with so much pain until I did that. And the hotline helped.
Everything is confusing in terms of where my grief should sit or how...
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This was read out to me tonight at the end of my yoga class….I found it emotional and beautiful…I thought of each and everyone of you here whilst it was being read out……….So I decided to share this poem with you all.…..Aimed for those those further along their journey and to also give the newly bereaved hope..
“One day when you wake up, you will find that you’ve become a forest.
You’ve grown roots and found strength in them that no one thought you had.
You have become stronger and more...
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It’s been 2,5 weeks since my husband walked pass me after getting home from work~I didn’t look up as I was pulling the trash bag out. He got to mid kitchen and all I heard was a gun **** back and him say “You don’t believe I’ll do it”…fearing for my own life~I pulled the garbage bag out and said “Stop it” and walked outside. Not looking back (Which now I wish I did~I would of known his mindset then after 30 years of marriage). I heard 2 gunshots and went around to backyard to see my husband...
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Experiencing a friendship split can be a secondary wound to us..It can be so important to deal with it maturely and respectfully, or situations can blow up tenfold….Whether you feel angry, confused, or even relieved, allow yourself to feel everything, but you don’t want your to emotions control your actions..Prioritise your well-being both before and after the breakup, and only engage with people who understand, listen and bring you some comfort.
It’s not selfish when you set boundaries and...
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So I’ve not been here for a while but I need to air off on picking my son up from school he’s 9 he had been doing a subject called jigsaw he burst into tears in the school yard saying he hates doing it on asking why he told me it’s about family that mean the most to you living and lost he’s heartbroken about it his dad passed 4 years ago. When they are poorly we can give paracetamol to ease the pain this is life long and nothing can ease the pain I hate my husband so much right now yes he...
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Joe and I went to a small liberal arts college in Western Mass called Amherst College. That’s where we met in 2004 — he stayed an extra semester to graduate and we met at a Halloween party that fall. I was two years below him.
We re-connected a bunch of times after that initial meeting, but were never really friends — he reached out to me the summer after that first meeting and we hung out once. Then he came to a party I threw years later when I lived in Brooklyn and he was at Princeton...
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It has been 1 year since Will decided to leave, and I wrote this to him and wanted to share it here.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to live my life without you. It has been a year since you chose to leave this world and a year since my life was destroyed and rebirthed all in one moment….one decision….and I had no control of any of it.
Though today, I choose to sit here in gratitude and love. Gratitude to The Fates that brought us together and gave us 16 years of a...
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I love the holidays! But now I'm not sure about the holidays. I don't know if I can Celebrate anything anymore. How do you put this aside and celebrate with my other kids?
❤ 18 years was not enough.
Fly high Lukey-Loo.
Sending love and peace from all here on the earth you left behind.
I feel I have gone backwards this past week. My feelings are so out of control it’s like I was in the beginning.
My mind keeps going back to I wish we hadn’t made that phone call for help, maybe my husband would still be here.
Im so angry at the sheriffs department for the way they handled the situation.
I feel like there is something I still need to be doing or waiting for something or waiting for my husband to come driving in. It’s a weird feeling.
Maybe I’m just lost, I don’t know but I...
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I am becoming aware of a tendency that I have to make my son's end his life about me, about what I could've done, but didn't do, etc. In a way, this is understandable, as my choices and actions are all that I have control over. But, at the bitter end, this was not my choice, or action. He let go, not to get away from me, or because of me. Had this been the case, he surely would not have left a final note that expressed love and care. He would not have planned this out so as to minimize the...
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I don't have any peaceful moments right now. I wish I did. I'm exhausted and can't sleep.
Today would have been my son's and daughter in law's ninth anniversary. it is hard to believe my beloved daughter in law has been gone for more than 4 years. My son's birthday was two days ago and I know they would have been here to celebrate the two special occassions with us. I miss my daughter in law and wish she were here for the long weekend.
My husband and I always looked forward to Memorial Day weekend. Spring weather, nature, getting out of the house to do something. We would go visit old military cemetaries, go to the zoo, walk around the city, just have a special day.
I feel so alone without him. I never saw his suicide coming. He meant so much to me and he knew that. I just keep asking why. He was my best friend and I was always so happy to see him. The fact I worked days and he worked nights made weekends such as...
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I'm experiencing a shift in my grief journey. I have more space. There is more space in between pain waves. The trauma symptoms are less intense. I have less fear, and I have hope. I'm prioritizing my health, and that is, eating my meals, exercising, and trying to get enough rest. The last one is difficult, as I still wake up several times at night, but it has gotten way better. For those that might not know, I am writing this just after a year that my husband C died by suicide. I find...
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Nothing seems to help me in these early days of grief. I'm just existing instead of living. Someone told me I need to move forward a little bit. But im finding it hard to do so
I'm finding it hard to move forward after 3 months. How does one do that? And do people pull away if you aren't doing or grieving the way they want? I wasn't aware that I had to grieve the way others want you to
I have little patience now while with friends who are talking about trivial things. Complaining. My patience is minimal! Is this all part of the path we all walk? I just want to be left alone most of the time. Maybe I’ll get past this soon. I’ve been involved with AOH for four years, but haven’t been active here for awhile. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I guess I’ve missed you all, as you understand where I am. Thank you for being here. Deep breaths!
The build up is deep this week.
Our son, Lucas, would be turning 21 on Sunday.
He left this earth aged 18.
As other friends around us celebrate with parties and balloons for their offspring we are silent.
We are walking the highest peak here in the UK next week - Ben Nevis - to mark his day. There are 10 of us.
We have raised almost £20,000 for a suicide prevention charity in his honour.
We are not standing still.
Please hold us in your prayers this weekend if you can.
My husband died right after my younger daughter’s high school graduation. Starting college was so hard for her. But you know? She has not only survived but also thrived. We chose the college because it was in driving distance, was supposed to be easy transportation. But I had to sell the car for financial reasons. So I took train to pick her up from dorm. 10 months of being a single mother made me more creative. I found the storage nearby her college so that we don’t need to carry back...
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A couple of night's ago on the 45 minute drive home from work I asked for a sign, any sign, from my son who passed away on 3/24 as I have not had any at all. The next afternoon my wife's vehicle in the garage would not start, fob wouldn't even work. I called AAA and they said the battery had zero power left, which was really odd that it registered less than 1 on their meter. By the time they replaced it, it was getting dark and when I went to start my car the headlight was out. I drove a...
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I don't really know what I believe about an afterlife. But my surviving son and I keep seeing great blue herons, right near the house - I got a heron tattoo with my boys, and I have always felt they were a blessing. I also had a lovely dream where my son came home with a new job, and he was so calm and clear. Peaceful. It was good to "see" him.
November of 2020 was one of the high points of my life. I was finally shaping into the person that i’ve always knew I could be but could just never seem to get it right. My whole life i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety and i’ve always just hated who I was. Countless days i’d tell my parent that I couldn't go to school because “I didnt feel good” and I knew it was a lie but I never actually knew the real reason. I think I am just terrified to actually do anything with my life.
This...
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Tomorrow will be six years since my daughter left me, voluntarily. And I feel like a condemned woman with an axe hovering over my neck. I know the approach to the anniversary is the worst, and I just kept breathing through it. The lighting is the same, and the weather, as it was on those horrifying days. Nobody will note the date, nor will they note her birthday. Everyone, to a man, denies her. We are a stoic, unspeaking midwestern family. Now that my dad is also dead by suicide...
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I grappled with posting on Facebook about what I was going through, with the 1-week anniversary of my son's death. I have a conflicted relationship with FB; on one hand I suppose I am somewhat addicted to it, having developed some fairly strong friendships through sharing and posting, on the other, I detest the bullying and degrading of others that is so common. I feared that posting news of my son's suicide might unleash a fury of disdain and pity. I was growing weary of relating the news...
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Hello. I lost my brother nearly 9 months ago and miss him every day. I am wondering if it is normal to live in fear everyday that someone else you love may do the same. These thoughts torture me as the pain of losing my brother to suicide has been heavy. Please share if you have experienced this too and how you help yourself through it. Thank you
I lost my daughter on February 9, 2024 she was 12 years old, a month shy of 13. I get up and go through the motions of day-to-day life thinking what is the point? This pain is so raw and the squeezing of my heart won't let up, it feels like a gorilla is squeezing my heart. I find myself forgetting to breathe. Hindsight is 20/20 now that I look back and I keep reliving our days and her anxiety with junior high and school work. I wish I would have done so many things differently to help her. I...
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Reality is hitting hard core to my very existent self ... ..I'm broken so broken . How Lord do I go on . How? I'm so broken . My Lord help me !!!
I can't believe it has been ten years. At the beginning, I could not even begin to see that far down this road.
So much has changed in life, but not much also. I bought a house and raised our daughter alone in it. For a long time, the house seemed too big and too empty. His picture is here with us, but that's about it. I have some of his more sentimental belongings and the rest are gone. I never did really move on. A couple of brief relationships, but I can't commit to anyone. Our daughter...
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I lost my sister to sucide. It wasn't revealed publicaly by my parents cause our family would not even let ur cry if they knew it and if someone would cry over someone's death by sucide. That person would have been killed by them. I have a cousin sister of mine who I loves so much. She supported me so much even though she didn't knew it was a sucide. She encouraged me. Bought gifts for me from her money even though she has limited money. But the thing is she can't be my sister. Cause many...
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My beautiful, kind son killed himself just a few days after his 21st birthday. He died two months ago today. He was newly diagnosed with bipolar, and was doing all the right things. I thought I was too. I don't know how I can ever forgive myself, and I am so worried about my other two kids.
I don't cry much naturally, but I was driving around to courthouses today, signing papers to do probate on my son's few possessions.
It was hard not to cry while driving. Music sets me off too, and I have to play music in the car.
What do other people do?
The reality of all this sadness is in being shown by a higher power to not take things for granted and to somehow appreciate what's left of this existence . I miss her so badly my heart pounding like crazy .I cry everyday! Who am I anymore I'm trying but its overwhelming me .... I'm trying
Today I woke knowing what day it was, how could I not. I’ve celebrated this day with him for 27 years. I went to work, I did my job, I came home I worked around the place doing things, I cooked dinner for myself and boom it got me. I cried like I did when I found him. I yelled at him. I didn’t want to yell at him on his birthday but I just couldn’t stop. I miss him. He’s missing out on so much and that makes me so angry and hurt and sad. I know I’m generally having more good days than bad...
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It's been four years, yet it still feels like yesterday. I could still remember everything, still miss everything. Maybe it'll be like this forever. It's been a journey of ups and downs. This year was bad, more misfortunes and struggles. This week it's the worst part of the year. Her birthday was a few days ago, today is the day and my birthday will be in two days. This is a dreadful week. A week I don't want to remember but still etched in my mind. I could vividly remember everything now...
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The whole time my father was alive (my 23 years) I was constantly making sure he was okay. He had a really good life. I saw him the night of and I wonder was I not enough. I have my own child and I can’t imagine leaving them. I just wish I was enough of a reason for him to keep trying.
All I need to do to completely break down is to take my son's final note out.
"I love you Dad
Please enjoy your retirement, you have more than earned it.
Love your child,
J.T. "
"I fed Lucy at 2 p.m."
All he cared about was other people. I've worked hard throughout my life - obsessively. Having my wife be able to be a full-time mother was how I justified it. It then became habit. If I continue to bury myself in work, am I disrespecting his memory? There is nothing in this...
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Today my therapist told me that he could see the sadness on my face. I can feel the muscles in my face pulling in the sad directions, i can feel a pain in my chest but the dam of sadness bursting doesn’t happen while I am in his office.
I've only been seeing this therapist for a few months and he suggested I concentrate on my father's suicide that happened 34 years ago. Obviously, I picked up some defenses along the way to protect me in the world at 11 that may have helped but are now...
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Letting you go
No more Whys
I have the answer
Love it is
A selfless act.
Letting you go,
Painless and free
Mine is a long journey
Here and slow
Each and everyday.
Letting you go,
So we can embrace
Our new journeys
Together, and apart
Here and in the afterlife.
Letting you go,
Now is the time
Just one answer
Love it is,
A selfless act.
To MyLuckYPenny
From YourFourLeafClover
Hi everyone.
I have not been here in quite a long time. My loss (husband) was six years ago now.
I lead a pretty busy life. Too busy, and don’t get enough sleep. This long weekend, I’ve really struggled. I have two boys, aged 13 and 10. I feel that we don’t have enough social contacts. I feel though they are both always busy, that I’m always missing something; too late to try a certain sport, not getting enough team experience, not experiencing camping.. and the list goes on. I’ve been...
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My dad mentioned it to everyone but me
Why? Why wouldnt he say anything to me? Im known as a fixer in my family and i always always go out of my way for everyone why wouldnt he say something to me ?
I really thought my family would always be there for me or at least two of them.
I have read so many posts about this happening and thought how sad , but now it’s happening to me.
I guess others really don’t understand.
It’s been almost 5 months and I guess that’s long enough for them to think all is well.
I heard from my brother in a text Sunday night stating he was sorry it’s been so long since he checked in and was going to call me Monday morning but I still haven’t heard from him. One of...
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Today I am trying to choose to remember to be grateful for the time I DID have with my Aunt and not dwell on what I will be missing. It’s so tough not to look back and wish I had asked her more questions and been more supportive. Today I choose not to dwell on the negative and instead remember the positive.
My boyfriend and I would always talk during our lunch times on the phone at work. Being at work has been tough because my mind replays the last conversation we had together.
I remember it being 1:01pm, telling him I had to go back to work, that we’d talk later, and said our goodbyes. I didn’t know that would be the last time I’d hear his voice live.
The lunch hour feels much longer without having him here to talk to.
What is Love
What is this feeling I feel when I am with you?
Why does my heart beat so?
My head says its love, but I fear pinning this feeling down
With a simple over said word
What is this love you speak of
I know of no such thing
I only know of the beating of my heart
The upward curl of my lips,
And this overwhelming feeling in my chest
No, I will not call this love
I will not call this anything
I will just feel
I am new here. I lost my spouse to suicide January 2024. I am completely devastated and heartbroken. He was my best friend, my everything, and the love of my life.
We practically did everything together. Last month would have made 10 years of us being married and this Friday would have been 20 years of us being together. I miss him so much. All I do is cry. We were so happy.
There were no signs or behavior changes which makes this even more difficult. I feel like I am trapped in a...
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Hi -- I'm not sure I'm allowed to post this and I understand this forum encourages anonymity. However, I am having time finding a suicide loss group in my area (and I live in a major metropolitan city). The nearest AFSP groups are over an hour away and I can't imagine there aren't more people in my major city experiencing suicide loss. Is there a way we can facilitate our own group based on location. Is there a forum for this or can I just post my city and invite a group of us to come...
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It was my daughter's 21st today. I knew it would be a difficult day, but I wanted to do my best for my daughter and my wife, and a little while ago set myself the challenge of making her the birthday cake - and I did it (daughter provided very specific instructions - blue icing, Victoria sponge). The baking drawer was an emotional adventure - the last time any of the jars had been used would have been by my wife, who was a great cake maker for years and years. I made a mess, but it all...
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Hi there
I lost my husband nearly 7 years ago this September and wondered if anybody else was particularly triggered by a 'big' birthday. I've managed (largely with the support of this amazing forum) to rebuild my life as best I can but I've found the past few weeks (would have been my husband's 50th birthday) really really tough. I've been thinking about him a lot, I feel like he's all around me and I've struggled with guilt etc again. I entered into a new relationship a few years ago...
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I wish I’d been more patient. I wish I’d spent more time with Joe at home on weekends all those years he was sick. I would go out in walks or to dinners and leave him alone. It was so sad and I’d cry and he’d tell me to go and he was ok, but I wish I’d just stayed and sat with him more weekends. I struggled with that.
I wish I’d been able to communicate better with him, even though we were limited to texting and ASL. I wish I could have somehow made more of an effort, been better.
I wish I...
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I haven't gone back to life yet. It's been 3 months now. I actually talk to my mom all day on the phone I don't want to be alone. But I am slowly starting now to go out like I use to
Not yet. But our cameras in the house have caught orbs. There not dust some are glowing. But she hasn't come to me yet in a dream.
There has been alot of guilt that I didn't do enough or notice enough. If I had only known what was gonna happen but I didn't
I was having dinner with people who are good friends and good people. Conversation turned to traffic. One remarked about a recent incident she had, being delayed on a bridge by someone considering jumping. More insentive comments, jokes about jumping. I felt like I was being punched by my friends…….I couldn’t say anything, I think I was in shock that my friends could be so insensitive . In the past I would have said something nasty but that hasn’t worked out well for me. They know...
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I remember now . I remember me leaning in to the tub to kiss her lips good-bye. Finding her this way yet I kissed her. And it began with all this saddeness I have now. Our last last kiss. She was awesome person and wife and friend. I'll miss her.
It’s his birthday today. He would be 31. Almost 4 years now. I’m a mess tonight. I just want someone to know. Not my husband, or kids, or friends, or family. They would worry and probably should. But that makes the thoughts more real. What combination would end this all. My mantra comes chiming in. Don’t feed the snake. I need to keep saying that. My son would not want me to follow him. But he left us anyway.
I thought we could use this thread as a place to come and write something be it small or big to our person much the way we would in a journal
Just anyone can and maybe seeing everyones different emotions will help us
Today im numb yet angry
There were still so many good things coming
My mother said there had been a suicide note that my father had written, I’d never read it until last week. After my mother said my grandfather had thrown it out- she told me she had made a copy of it.
My father committed suicide in March of 1990- he’d written this note in December of 1989 and my mother told me that she’d convinced him to come home- he made it a few more months.
His resolve to end his life was made quite clear in the note- he had his mind made up. I feel less emotional...
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I just lost my dad. He decided to leave this world. It has been devastating for me. I do not know how to cope. My mother is struggling with addiction and cannot help with funeral arrangements or settling any other arrangements for herself or my dad. This loss has left me so confused. Hurt. And I blame myself. The day it happened I was thinking about my dad a lot. But I didn't call. I didn't text. I wish so badly I had reached out. I know in time I will heal, but right now it is such an...
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I've always enjoyed music. I have tended to favor the older hard rock from the 70's and 80's, although I am open to new experiences. One of the more common places to explore different experiences has been YouTube. I think it was ~4 years ago that I first encountered the Dead South, a Canadian quartet that plays bluegrass, with a modern twist. I listened to them often, and when I saw that they were coming to a nearby city, purchased tickets. I have taken both of my boys to a concert...
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My daughter died Oct 2, 2022 after being bullied by our neighbors, Im still living in the same place, and still being isolated, and I am truly in need of help, I need to find someone to come stay here and help me to find a way to move. Im also looking for heirs to inherit everything, the 3 acres in the jungle of Hawai`i with fruit trees and greenhouse, 3 cats, and may crystals and art and all kinds of things. I made this, https://www.gofundme.com/f/safety-sanctuary-of-sanity, to...
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As i sat midway through eating a cookie ice cream sundae suddenly it was no longer good, for sadly i remembered how much my dad loved ice cream and i couldnt finish it and had to just sit sadly knowing every single small detail is changed forever
Just a bunch of thoughts that have been rolling around in my head a few days that I wrote out. Thought I'd share. Warning: It's long!!
The thing that people say is to remember the good memories. People want to hear good stories about the person who died, and hear about their qualities and who they were. And this makes sense because it makes the person you lost tangible to someone else, and it makes you be able to focus on the positive, for a moment.
But what I’ve learned now, losing two of...
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I realized after my brother's suicide, there was some things that needed to be addressed. We're both survivors through abuse by my father, and there was so much turmoil in my brother's heart that he couldn't deal with the pain anymore. It's something I just felt and knew I needed help with. I told my Mom that I needed therapy and that there were some things I needed to get off my chest, I couldn't stay quiet anymore about it anymore My Mother knows of this abuse and often times blames...
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I found this forum after I saw it mentioned on Reddit. I’m still in shock and I’m feeling so lonely over the loss of my boyfriend of 3 years.
I don’t even know the exact date of his passing yet. I last talked to him on the phone on 5/2/24. He mentioned he was nervous about doing two things, but other than that, our conversation was normal and ended on talking about lighthearted topics. I texted him and called him later in the day but he didn’t answer.
5/3/24 comes and I texted and called...
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It's been five and a half months since my Michael passed. My grief has only begun to lessen. I miss him and realize his absence, overwhelmingly. We were living together. Today has been a particularly painful day and I felt hopeless and alone. I came here to AoH and read other's experiences and felt their courage and strength after losing a loved one. I didn't feel so isolated and found a glimmer of light. Thank you for being here, for your understanding and compassion. I will never...
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It seems like yesterday because the pain won’t go away. 2.5 years. My husband ended his life. I have three young kids who have struggled with their own thoughts or self harm so it makes the fear of this repeating raw and real. They have counseling, I have counseling. We have done a lot to grow forward. They are doing better but I seem stuck in deep grief. Thank you for your time.
I lost my beautiful 24 year old daughter in February. I've been so lost ever since. I have major anxiety that has made my life impossible to
live. I don't go out hardly and I've lost 20 pounds since February. I miss her so much. Even begging her to come back. My husband and I are grieving differently and its a bit tense.
My son, Derek, has been gone 19 months today. His 18th birthday is in five days. I keep wondering, what would he be like as an 18 year old? He died in October 2022. It used to be my favorite time of year, here in New England. Now I dread the fall. He was born in the spring, while the trees blossom and the birds sing. I don't dread springtime, though. I am so thankful he was born and we had him for 16 years and 5 months. I want to let the spring remind me of his life, and not his death...
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I want to discuss the nature of the act of my son ending his life. I think one of the most profound things that I am grappling with is the love and caring that my son took in preparing for his final act. In a way, it might have been easier if he had hated me. He did not, though. He obviously took every measure that he could think to employ to minimize the impact on my life, and that it what makes it so difficult to reconcile. I hate to think of the agony that he went through in sorting out...
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I lost my younger brother to suicide a month ago. I feel very lost. I was the one who opened the door and found him hanging from the fan. I had only one sibling and we were very close. I was in the same house when it happened but his door was locked. We tried to take him to the hospital but we couldn't save him. He was not depressed or going through any mental health issues, he was very strong individual. We aren't sure why he did it?
I had put on a strong face for my parents but I came...
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Hi all,
Lost my husband January 2022 when I was 4 months pregnant with our first (and only) child. Completely blindsided by the loss and devastated beyond words. Hardest part has been being a solo parent and watching our daughter grow up without ever meeting her dad.
Life has been pretty much a blur and I've been just pushing through the last 2.5 years hoping things will get better. It hasn't despite trying to bury myself with work and devoting every second to my daughter. Hoping I'll...
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My daughter 11 died of cancer and my son 15 took his life.
I'm 75 and the pain does't stop for me.I'm looking for what
I don't know.It would be easier to die but my remaining
son does't need anymore pain.
It was my fault. She was cutting herself and I noticed and asked her about it. She never seemed the type to do something like that so when I asked she said “oh it's nothing I just wanted to see what it felt like and how deep I could go” that was the day before. We were close so I didn't think she would keep anything from me. But the next night February 17 2023 she killed herself. And I can't help but blame myself. I could have said something I could have done something anything. But I blew...
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Taken from a novel by Chris Cleave called Little Bee. :
"On the girl's brown legs there were many small white scars.
I was thinking, do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress? I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please agree with me that a scar is never ugly.
That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will...
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Tomorrow is our anniversary of Helena's death. The weirdness is very strange this year. Our third year without her. I had gotten to a place of calm acceptance before all this anniversary thinking started.
I have begun to join life again and go out to eat and want to do things like going to a rock show. Or a museum. Normal stuff.
But turning my normal brain onto this time of remembrance. Is almost like experiencing it again.
I felt I had healed somewhat and now that soft place has been...
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Yesterday I watched a Youtube video of a young trans woman. I’ve been following her because she reminds me a lot of my daughter, who was also trans. The young woman was having a difficult day and said she was having suicidal thoughts. She asked for affirmation and love from her followers. Later that day, she posted another video, apologizing for the earlier one and saying she was doing okay. She ended the video by looking right at the camera and saying, “Love you. Bye.” Youtube then...
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So it finally started. I didn't think it would, but it has. My family members (including my mom) - has told me that it's time to stop grieving and I need to let go of that grief. They say it in a kind and caring way, but I don't understand why it's wrong to continue to grieve.
Sure, I cry every day still, but never in public. I still work every day. I travel on business trips when needed. I still feed and walk my dogs every day. I still cook dinner for myself and my husband every...
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When my boys were very young I was a stay at home mom. We made bills ok on my husband’s salary but there wasn’t much money left over. We had to find inexpensive ways to entertain ourselves. When we vacationed it was most often camping trips. When they got older they often told me, Mom, I didn’t know how much we did on so little.
Anyway, that’s not the point of this story. One spring break, we spent the week on Cumberland Island off the cost of Georgia. If you don’t know, this is a...
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My youngest daughter Anna committed suicide by taking her prescribed anti depression medicine, 21 years old, the 21/3 2024.
Het death was unexpected and very shocking. The pain and confusion and intense feeling of loss and anger is impossible to live with. I don’t know how to go on. How do I go on? I am in such a pain every moment of every day, I can’t see a meaning with my life anymore. I have other, adult children which I have to go on living for, but I can’t understand how I could go on...
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…..when I listen to my audiobooks and there is description of a son’s love for his mother. How dear she is to him. How he’d do anything for her.
I feel pain knowing my sons did not act in this manner. Though through their pain they shut out feelings of what I would feel after their death. It still is a knife in my heart knowing my love for them —their love for me—was not enough to find another option. I have never in this world loved another as much as I did my beautiful boys. I would have...
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I thought I would be a mess. My 1st Mothers Day without Luke. My plans with my other boys included cooking together & just hanging out. I had an amazing time with them. And as he was leaving my oldest apologized for not having the means to get me something. & I explained it is his presence that I adore & I already have the most wonderful gift when I received my boys. & my beautiful boy up in heaven I adored every moment I had with him & for that I am blessed to be a Mom of 3
Don’t get me...
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This might be an odd post. Just something I was thinking about this morning, and something that has been weighing on my mind a lot.
I don't think I am the only person on this forum that has thought about time travel. "If only I can go back to that day and prevent it from happening." But whenever I think about the what-ifs of time travel, I always wish that I can go back to a recent time before my son's passing. I wondered why this was so, but the answer came to me quickly. Because I saw...
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I finally decided to join a forum after almost a year since my older brother took his life on June 17, 2023. I've been in therapy, yet I have come to the realization that I need to be part of a community of survivors of suicide for more support, because this is such a uniquely devastating situation. He was 44 when he passed and left me a brief note that I recently looked at again; which devastated me. I think about him constantly and yet, at the same time, I feel like my world is so...
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The pain of losing my son hurt more today as I am sure it did for a lot of folks on here. Every time I heard someone wish me a Happy Mother's Day the pain increased. I am still a Mother and have two other children that are hurting too. I may now have only memories of my one son but I will continue to hopefully make memories with my other children. They were here for me and surrounded me with love that I am so thankful for. I just wish my son would have realized how much he has torn our...
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I found this poem shortly after my best friend took his life years ago. I was looking for something, anything, that would help process the multitude of conflicting thoughts, feelings and emotions I had....... some may find it harsh. My hope is it provides some path to articulating the confusion, hurt and shock we feel.
First, suicide notes should be
(not long) but written
second,
all suicide notes
should be signed
in blood
by hand
and to the point --
that point being, perhaps
that there is...
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I have just lost my daughter, 23, to suicide less than 3 weeks ago. No need to tell how difficult this is. I had never heard of suicide, not even tragic death, in my family and I could never expect such a disaster. She was depressive, but many family members are, too, especially women. She jumped from a bridge, 70m high, which she reached by foot against traffic. She run a 400m path so it would be almost impossible to catch. She did it at rush hour and left her purse with ID at the bridge...
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My youngest brother, age 49, took his life on April 24, 2024. I’m still somewhat in disbelief and keep picturing him here because he lived with me. I’m imagining his last steps he took two blocks away to the pool house and it just crushes me. What ifs and the guilt consume me. I returned to work last week and it was just so difficult. I didn’t really wanna talk about it with people.
My parents live right down the street. They’re in their 80s and my mom is of course devastated, but I...
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I've looked in the rear-view mirror occasionally and recognized there were months or years when I was living my best life and just didn't recognize it in real time. But there is a segment of time that I lived my best life, and knew it as it unfolded.
Just after Kelly's ninth birthday, I was scheduled to start a new project in North Carolina. Kelly and her mom went to Vietnam for the summer, and I flew to NC, found a place to live and started working in May. In August I took a week off...
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Do you ever feel like you're not yourself anymore? In july it will be 4 years since I lost my dearest person and partner. There are more good and grateful days than before but I still don't know how to manage the bad ones. I am carrying this alone, with no friends to talk to about grief or about him and that hurts so much. And when I talk to my psychologist about him I feel like she doesn't understand me or my trauma. At this point I think a psychologist in order to be able to help has to...
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My mother, Elizabeth was a beautiful woman with a great big smile. I know this from seeing pics. She took her life at 39 years old. I believe now she must have been very ill but in those days (1950s) everything was hush-hush. I have very few memories because I have not found one photo of her with me as an infant up to my 7th birthday when she passed.
The best thing I can remember of her was her love of painting. This talent has passed down to me, my brother, my sons and nephews. This is a...
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Just when I think I might be taking steps forward I find myself falling back. I suppose this is how healing goes.
Challenging day today.
Despite that
For the mother's struggling, you are not alone.
M
Hello, my situation is going to be different than most. I am 71 years old and lost my mother to suicide the week of my 7th birthday. I was never given the opportunity to grieve .
I cannot remember much but life went on albeit differently.
The thread throughout my life has been never being able to fill the hole in my heart, never feeling the love of a mother. She was clearly ill to leave 3 children below the age of 10. I have to admit that I do not forgive her.
I function well otherwise but...
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I just wanted to ask if anyone experienced receiving a note left behind from their lived ones..much after their passing? We just got notified that my son left us a note 13 weeks after he passed. I'm so upset that the investigator didn't give this to me when we found Jaden. They said that we had to ask for one, which I did. I don't know if that protocol bit I definitely feel it is a setback for us. I was finally accepting that I may never know why. But then out of nowhere a note. I am so sad...
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I hate life and everything . My life is Chang . Can’t never feel like before. Try to feel like nothing happening, but many bad things happen can’t accept that . I hate to control by bad things . Hope mercy come soon . Hope something change.
Michael, my son was multifaceted. He could do just about anything where construction was concered. He was given a piece of property with an unfinished structure....by that, I mean it was a shell of a house. It needed plumbing, electricity, didnt have a kitchen or bathrooms...or a roof or flooring! It took him a few years but he completed everything, himself. He didn't hire help. All this while MS was affecting him in several ways. Fatigue was constant but he'd plow through. He loved...
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He was so sweet to me.
We texted every day when we were dating. I once cut my finger, during a haircut, and was texting him that I needed something to close it up because the cut was pretty deep but not deep enough for stitches.
That sweet man paid my favorite pizza place a hefty tip up front if the driver would agree to go to the store and purchase a bottle of Nuskin and deliver it in addition to the pizza. All cost was on his card. He texted me instructions to sign the delivery slip, for...
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i realized when aaron died, i drank and smoked a lot. and cried a **** ton.
those have gone down. drinking and smoking due to therapist and etc helping me. crying with time.
but i think i keep finding other ways to fill the void. not always good either.
i still drink, like when i go to bars with my friends or something. but i definitely see that i have a higher tolerance than all of them and they notice.
i feel guilty though for my more recent actions, its been like 15 months i think...
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For years I was numb. Possibly dissociated. People told me I ought to be angry. But I was not. I felt no anger. Only sorrow, confusion, fear, depression.
Many years have passed and now for the past year or two anger has started growing, and I find myself angry most of the time. Angry at people, situations, myself etc and finally the last few weeks I realised that this anger is getting out of proportion and affecting my life. Is it triggered by what happened all those years ago? Some would...
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Just Let Go
Just let go
And look to the sky
Still your fleeting hands
And hope that you fly
While the world spirals down
Keep your head high
Though you’ve lost control
There's no reason to cry
Blessings come in a twisted disguise
Remember when chaos seeks out your mind
Still your head and control your breath
No matter what
This is not the end
Replace your frown with a blissful smile
Just let go
And stay strong all the awhile
It’s been five long years (1825 days) since our son left. I haven’t been posting on the forum much lately. I guess I’ve needed a grief break.
But today is a day that can’t be ignored. The grief is center stage, like it or not. Five years ago today our lives changed forever.
Yesterday, a FaceBook memory popped up. It was a photo with a group of women at an event I attended May 10, 2019. When I saw the photo, all I could think was, “I had no idea what was coming tomorrow!”
Yes, our world...
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My dad killed himself last month. I have felt every emotion in the book and none of them ever feel right.
My relationship with my dad was complicated, he was abusive emotionally and physically -he never stopped acting that way. All of us children are in our 20s. My mom is all alone now.
Despite the family dynamic-I still had an active relationship with my dad, one with lots of boundaries but there was still a lot of love there.
It feels like every positive memory i have with my dad doesnt...
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Married 57 years and he committed suicide in our back yard. He was 13 steps from me, outside our porch. He had been sick with several things for 1 1/2 years but, he did everything doctors told him and stayed on his diet. He had plans for a trip. Out of the blue! I've been reading here for a month and have decided to share. Friends are trying to get me to go out, they don't understand, but all of you do. Thank God! Just thank you for being here.
I lost my dad in December. It was a total shock because he had always been against suicide. He was a devout Christian who loved God so much. It has been hard to understand why he would do this. I miss him so much.
These past few days have been utterly painful. I miss my son so much and cannot fathom how I am going to live the rest of my life without him. I was talking to a parent who lost a child (not by suicide) and she brought up a book Medication Madness a possible explanation for my son's death. I had mentioned how I was feeling so angry at Sam lately when I hadn't been able to before. She mentioned this book as a way to not be so angry with him, stating his actions were out of his control due to...
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Hello everyone. Hope 2024 is going well so far for the forum members. The year is going fine for me so far with a solid end of 2023 with the Anxiety Program I attended. I'm hoping to build off that success by moving in April or May to Wisconsin. This Saturday I will be looking at an apartment with my family 90 minutes from where I currently live. I'd welcome any thoughts or ideas as to how to manage the stress with an event that generally brings stress. I know my grandparents will be...
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My mother-in-law had one told me that the relationships we have with our loved ones do not die when we lose them. And the older I become the more sense that seems to make.
I was grieving my father today, who died of natural causes about a year ago. He and I used to love to talk about our dogs. A safe, pleasant and affectionate shared interest in a relationship that over the years had been fraught for any number of reasons. Towards the end of his life, there was nothing he loved more than...
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Disbelief, Despair
Brokenhearted
Shock
Survivor mode
Autopilot
Surreal
WHY?!
Am I supposed to feel this way?
GUILT!
I'm hurting
This hurts so much!
Tears
More tears
Waking up to a song
Messages through music
Scream, dance it out!
While listening to your songs
Scream LOUD!
Vulnerable
Alone
I can't do this alone
Trauma
Fear
Fear of being sick
Fear of dying
Secundary wounds
Grenade
Broken relationships
More wounds
Sick, sick, sick
Weight loss
Gentle voice
My therapist
More gentle voices...
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Sharing something I read this morning....
A Piece of Their Soul, by Donna Ashworth
"You lose a version of yourself when a loved one leaves. But you will eventually greet a new version of yourself too, when the daze dissipates. The you who lives with that person inside, not out. The you who claimed a part of them, as a vital new part of you. The you who continues to shine their light into this world so it doesn't feel their loss quite so much. The you who is only really you because...
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One year ago, as I write this, suicide had never crossed my mind. As some of you know, C and I were under a stressful situation, related to C's job. He had been fired few weeks before without being notified the reason of his termination. To me, it was a wrongful termination. And then, a complaint arrived which required immediate action to find a lawyer. I was not at my best. I could not offer the support C needed at that time. I didn't see this could be a life threatening situation, as...
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We lost our youngest son to suicide on 5 March. Ben was 40 years old. No one knew he was struggling. He was happy, popular, successful and very loved by his family and many friends worldwide. The shock and sadness is unbearable.
I'm on week 7 since I lost my spouse and I'm wondering if anyone has found solace in reaching out to a medium or having tarot cards read ?
It's hard to live without answers and I'm grasping at straws here trying to keep a connection alive and fresh.
Is a medium helpful ?
Hi all, my brother ended his life on 4/4/24, one month to the day before his 24th birthday. I was the one to discover his body along with my fiance. I miss him so much but luckily the trauma of discovering his body is not overpowering my gratitude for who he was and my thankfulness that he was my brother.
Anyway, on his birthday, 5/4/24, it was a day with lots of isolated showers. I verbally mentioned a few times throughout the day, “these are prime rainbow conditions!”
In the evening...
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One of the tools I found to cope with my grief was mindfulness meditation. It helped to reduce my anxiety, inhibit obsessive negative thoughts, and increased my ability to focus on the present moment. From there I moved on to adding knitting to my day. Hobbies with hands are a mindful activity and help in the same way as meditation.
The problem was, I didn’t really need that many scarves. What to make? I found a nonprofit that was asking for baby blankets. These were used in hospitals for...
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This grief is exhausting. My thirty- seven year old son, Ryan, left in September, and every morning, I wake to shaking , pain, and the feeling that nothing matters because my world will never be “ok” again. All that seemed important before is mostly lost to me now.
Even a “ softer” version of my life in this realty is hard to imagine living. I tell myself I have to get through, but there is a nagging “Why?” that is, sometimes, unanswerable. I feel unmoored, purposeless Do most...
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I started building LEGOs about a year ago and noticed right away how therapeutic it was for me.
I need to maintain a sense of order and control, and immersing myself in this allows me to externalize what I internalize.
I come to the table, dump all the packets of chaos, and methodically sort them into neat and orderly piles.
How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time.
The repetition grounds me, and piece by piece (peace by peace), the chaos in my mind comes to order, as does the...
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It's me again. Having more days behind myself in life and just a bit more self aware. I'd say wise but I'm not. Not in the least. Old soul forsure, shoot a human on good days. Anyways this is a really personal topic about myself that I'm not sure if anyone other than me and like two other people have knowledge of. Anyways I'm always a positive person or rather I really try to be. In every sense. I worked at positivity for a longggg time. Completely unaware that there's a lot more to life...
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I’m lost . I have stepted dad with me. He has been good but don’t really understand how it is to lose my son . I am in such a bad place . And because he does not understand I don’t want to be with him any more . Am i wrong. He seems like he hates me .
Hello all, I lost my daughter last year. In a month or so it will be her death anniversary. I try to tell myself that she is at least free from the pain and sadness that plagued her. She was 18 and one of my best friends. I miss her every day and I feel so guilty that I wasn't able to save her. Things are difficult for me because I feel isolated. My close friends live far away. I have some good friends nearby but things are complicated for them too and I don't see them as much as I would...
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I lost my son Johnny July 2020, he was 39. He wrote a poem when he was 14 which I found shortly after he died. I think it conveys that even then, he found this life too hard. He was so kind and sensitive and always believed there was somewhere better waiting for us. I thought I would share it for those newer on this journey as it might give some comfort.
The Golden Phoenix reaches for the sky
He knows death is near, but there is hope in his eye
Preening his feathers, he lies in wait
For...
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Hey there, I lost my dad to suicide in March of 2009. I was a 17 year old boy at the time. I'm now 33 years old and realize I haven't done anything to move forwards or process what happened. I always avoided talking about my dad or how he passed. It hurt me to think or talk about him. I've also been fearful of the judgement and stigma that comes along with suicide.
I now realize how much of a toll that holding all of this in has taken on me. I've avoided talking about him or what happened...
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I feel like I average more good days than bad now. It’s probably about 60/40. Some days I have so much hope and love for all of the people that have come through for me throughout all this.
Other days it seems so mf’n lonely. I feel like I’m trying to market myself out to the world because I need someone and I have no one. Not a companion, but just a friend. Why am I the one putting so much effort into having a friend that I can count on. I can’t blame them really, if it were the other way...
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A young man at our local university died Wednesday night. I just read the headline. A few words followed by: He was alone in his struggles and sadly resorted to the most desperate solution.
The average person would read this and say “oh, so sad”. But I as well as most of you are thrown back to the beginning. The notification, the disbelief, the flood of emotions and grief. The deep pain and the many questions and doubts and self blame. I know this family—their pain and grief—and I...
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I am really struggling it gets worse everyday, I don’t have the financial ability to take more time off work but I am in so much pain I can’t even bare the thought of continuing on. I’ll have to return next week to not put myself into too much strife and I am terrified I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything and I can’t bare the thought of speaking to people I’m really really not ready. I don’t want to live life without him. This really is too surreal and painful it just can’t be...
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I lost my youngest son (and friend) last month. He was my light and my comfort person. He was kind and amazing. No one saw this coming which hurts even more. My husband, my older son and I are devastated. Haven't gotten through a day yet without breaking down. Don't know what day it is most of the time and don't know what to do with myself. Trying to keep busy but some days I just want to lay in bed and cry. We always had a close relationship but I still wasn't aware of how deep his...
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My 19 year old son died by suicide a few weeks ago. That's the first time I've written that sentence and I wish it wasn't true. It was his 4th attempt. The 3 first attempts were near lethal. He's been mainly hospitalized or in a RTC for years. The day after he came home from his RTC this happened. Now he's actually gone and I am in denial. I don't like to even think about it. Then it hits me so hard. I feel a stinging sensation everywhere and can't move. I love Jared so much. I wish it...
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I am 62 yrs old, and just recently (03. May 2024) lost a 24 yrs old daughter due to suicide
Now both parents are totally lost
Anybody knows a working on-line grief first-aid site working in Europe ??
When my son was a baby, I had a friend who had a daughter about the same age. She was thinking about suicide, and I was shocked, and told her that she couldn't even think it. How could she leave her precious daughter behind. Fast forward many years later. After being forced to live without my son, ,and contemplating a life without him. Theres no joy, there's no hope. All I think are sad and depressing things. I cant break free of these thoughts. My daughter says she will never get married...
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My Ross was born on May 18th. My second child. My first labor took quite some time. When I went in labor with Ross at 9 pm the night of May 17th my husband wisely called out of work. (He worked night shift.) I had been laboring at home for some time. At some point we had gone on to bed. Me because I was uncomfortable, he because “i want to get a nap in before the baby is born). Insert angry face.
My labor progressed. He slept on. (Another angry face).
Finally I started crying. I couldn’t...
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I found my husband--he hung himself in the garage. He made an attempt just a few days before. The 911 operator kept telling me I had to cut him down. I wonder if that's standard practice. I was hysterical and couldn't find anything, finally I found some kitchen scissors. My concern is that I'll never be able to get certain images out of my head. I can operate, I have to as I have an 11 year old, but I'm facing some serious health issues and these images aren't helping me. I've done EMDR in...
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Pictures of my garden in progress
More always coming!
(these pictures are all taken on left side of yard. Connor’s tree was my focal point. I’m working on the right side but just getting started with it.
It is here where I find my peace. I imagine I am sitting here with my boys. Johnny and Connor loved this cabin so much. It was my mother’s. Ross wasn’t so much a woodsy guy, but I’m trying to find ways to incorporate him here too. Once upon a time he liked gecko. I think I’m going to get...
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My dear friend Joe took his life many years ago - 35 to be exact. It almost seems like a lifetime ago. I recently found this forum. I've gone years without talking about him. This happened in Colorado, and no one where I live now knew him.
We met at a Big Brothers Christmas party. I think we had each just recently joined it. I still remember him walking into the room and me being instantly transfixed. I knew I had to meet him. He was a big, kind of burly guy, but he had an amazing...
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I am seeing several posts from people that are several years out from the thing that forever changed their lives.
I still have pain, and moments of helplessness, but I am coping pretty well overall.
Time does help.
But for some reason, this anniversary coming up is more prevalent on my mind, and I am more off kilter than normal. I have found myself far more irritable and short tempered than usual, and I am mostly laid back.
But this year, it is severely weighing in me. Part has to do...
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Today is a take one minute at a time / don't forget to breathe / maybe stay away from people / tend to my rawness alone / have I taken my allergy meds / where's my list of coping skills kind of day.
Two years ago, today, my husband kissed me goodbye and then walked out the door for the very last time. I've been riding this anniversary-of-his-death roller coaster for the last thirty days, and my rawness piqued two days ago when I had to set my work duties down and let my company know I was...
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About a year ago I read a book. I think it was titled "Signs", but I'm not sure. It was stories of people who had gotten what they believed were signs from a loved one who had passed. I didn't remember having experiences like that but I was open to the possibility.
One story was about a young girl who loved the number 1111 for some reason. Her mother had gotten signs related to that number.
After reading the book I went to the grocery store a few blocks from my house. I walk there almost...
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My world was turned upside down on 2/24/2024 when my brother took his life. He hung himself and I am having a hard time keeping my imagination at bay as to what happened in the very moment he decided to do something so devastating. I want to know in that moment was he crying and did he decide he changed his mind but it was too late. I love my brother dearly and I know he was having a hard time with a divorce and custody battle but I never thought it would come to him doing this. I decided to...
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I feel that I stuck Dark hole and Climbing ladder in front of me ، but I feel peace with darkness. I feel that my sadness is connected with and part of me I love sadness . I feel sadness part of been human. You human have many feelings . Sometimes hope people express there feelings more maybe people can understand your more . My English bad
I feel people can’t understand me . I feel crazy really I have irrational thoughts. I do many things to express my feelings I broke furniture, I climbed the mountain , Cursing others i was quiet person I feel now more angery from everything. My English is bad
lose my brother and other family member by this horrible way of death life been horrible for me I feel worst feeling ever I feel that i can’t do nothing feel shame and I complain about everything .feel I irrational can’t control anything in my life I don’t know how can I be ok back into my life when I feel happy or enjoy anything feel that it is bad or I do bad things I afraid of people from myself from everything
Fuk to life , people and myself . I don’t no what I do in my life . I don’t want do anything.
why scare from happening more bad things . Bad things
have already happened . Nothing can change . Just accept horrible things . Life have many horrible things . Life will never be like what you want . Accept bad and good in the world . Nothing will stop bad and good things from happening. I hope have more strength and patience to accept bad thing that is part from life . I wait good things
It hurts so much, it hurts. I don't want to. It is real, I lost him. Crying alone. Deep sadness. It is real. Powerless.
Our son died early in April and we had to plan his Celebrations of Life amidst the craziness of wedding and graduation season.
We started calling around to venues and were so amazed by the kindness of strangers, who offered venues at no charge, and were just incredible in their expressions of sympathy and support.
We were so touched by their gestures and it gave us a little light in the dark early days of shock and pain.
It restored some of my faith in humanity.
It was a year ago to today that Jeff’s body was found. He had been missing for 10 days. I know he passed on April 22 but we spent 10 days looking for him. Reliving it all. Wondering what life is about Knowing I’ll never know. Going deep into why do we have to do this. All I can do is cry and tell myself this is what being human is. Pain and sorrow Somewhere somehow in some unknown realm this will make sense. That’s what keeps me alive
This week is rough - two year anniversary of his death.
Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the last full day he was alive.
Today has been a navigation free-flowing tears and unwelcomed emotions. Incredibly tricky to navigate.
Next week, wedding anniversary. Then, Mother's Day, siblings b-day and then my b-day.
Grief knows no vacation. I sometimes forget how enormous this experience is and then the magnitude of it sneaks up on me. It is nice to forget the thing I carry if even...
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Feeling of injustice and oppression I feel I can’t understand myself ,other , life . I feel lost my life . How can I liver years in life . How do I face the rest of life?. I hate my self , people and life . I hate everything. I want to do carzy things to forget everything . I want to live new life . I want to travel new country to forget every things . I don’t speak English good
I haven't been on AOH in a while. I was doing good. I finally took his dog tag off and hung it on my rearview mirror. I got a tattoo for him, but it's just as much about me and my healing journey as it is him and it's just beautiful. I was feeling really good. And then money issues hit. And then I found a lump the day before my birthday. And then, even though I'm taking on way more responsibilities at work, I only got a 2% raise at work (so a big ol $25 more on my checks). And now I don't...
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These days what hits me the hardest is the enormity of what was lost. This person was just a miracle. Joe was so kind, so warm, so loving and sweet and absolutely hilarious. He was the funniest person I ever met. He made me laugh so much, all the time. He was so brilliant. I was going through some of his papers the other day and was amazed at his GRE scores -- near or at perfect on everything. I'm a journalist and always strongest on verbal scores, and his was higher than mine. His math...
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i feel anger from my self and others Sometimes I want revenge from my self and others try to accept every things ,but I can’t I feel worset feeling ever I frayed hurt people that I love . I don’t what should I do to
get out of this situation . My English bad . I don’t speak English sorry
I have been wanting to post this for a while now and finally feel ready! I lost my two brothers to suicide, a close cousin to alcohol overdose, a pregnancy, a childhood best friend to suicide, was told I had thyroid cancer, lost my step dad to an alcohol overdose, all within only a years worth of time. As all of you know, it's an incredible amount of stress to lose someone to suicide. I had read somewhere that it was considered to be the same amount of stress as surviving a concentration...
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But I don’t put it that way when my very good friend periodically bares his soul and his anguish at losing his boy. I do try to listen with both ears, editing my inclination to fix or change or massage his feelings.
(Because, really, the feeling I desperately want to change is my own strong empathy for this dark loss.)
At the close of our visit I thank him sincerely and tell him that what he has shared has been meaningful for me.
And so it has. His journey has actually changed me for the...
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Long post I’m sorry but I just think I need the ear and understanding of people who get it. I haven’t posted in a while, I haven’t been active on the forum for a while. I’ve been busy doing life. Putting one foot in front of the other and letting life carry me in a forward direction. Sometimes I don’t even know how I get there but I do.
I’m 15 months out and I still think of him every day. My days lately have included the crying jags in the car on my way to work only to wipe my tears, put...
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Almost 8 months since my dad went on.
Feels so long ago, yet, my heart feels like it was yesterday. I still picture how he had to walk out back, maybe look back one more time. Then look up and make that final choice. I think about how tired he must have been, felt defeated, depressed, anxious. He had OCD and it literally hit 10 years ago and in that time all of our lives changed. It’s funny how we adapt to insanity because we want to be near the ones we love.
I know he is at peace. But...
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My husband and I were talking last night about finally beginning to feel the full depth and breadth of our loss of our son to suicide 2.5 months ago. All of the "not gonnas" are starting to seem so real -- not gonna hear his voice on the phone again (he talked with his Dad nearly daily), not gonna get to see him mature from a young man into an adult, not gonna get to see him possibly get married and have children, not gonna get to see him age beyond age 24 (even though his 25th birthday is...
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At a year from losing my son I can see some improvement. I have days that and things that are enjoyable. Last week we had dinner with friends and we had a good time. I spent last Sunday having dinner with my family and my oldest son's friend. We had a few drinks and sat outside enjoying the weather and laughing. My sister and my son's friend need their own comedy show. I really enjoyed that. I couldn't have enjoyed these things 6 months ago.
The grief is always waiting though. When I leave...
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My remaining child just graduated from college this week. She told me that she had not realized how much she depended on her brother to take the next steps before her. Now she is walking into the unknown. It is so hard knowing that my bright beautiful boy never had a chance to enter adulthood. Holding my daughter’s hand and praying she finds joy.
Since losing my partner, I have had to move three times - one from the house we shared together for 10 years, the next from a flat that I moved into from the house, the second from the flat into another flat and the third was when the second flat was broken into, reigniting my PTSD. I now live in the flat above that has no balcony and no strong trees nearby that one could climb. Though a little possum does and he stares at me from his branch into my bedroom window
As my finances increased...
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I don’t have biological family so my friends are my chosen family. I lost my best friend and “sister” then two weeks later lost another dear friend, both to suicide. Here to connect, learn, and support.
My maternal grandfather lost his first wife - my biological grandma, Bessie - to polio when she was 29 and my mom was 2.5. He also had an 11 month old. He remarried less than 2 years later essentially to get his kids back — they were living with his parents in another state since there weren’t day cares in 1954 to help him with his babies while he worked.
He adopted two daughters when he got married to my grandma, and they lost one, Janet, when she was only 22.
His grandpa had a similar...
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11 weeks ago I lost my husband to suicide. 4 weeks later my dog tore his ACL, I decided on no surgery but now he takes extra care. He’s 120 pounds and not as easy to deal with alone. Yesterday I hit a deer as multiple ran out infront of me. My car is smashed and I just hope it’s not totaled. Today I went to get my rental and they completely messed it up and won’t have anything ready til the end of the week. I’ve hit the point of range anger and overwhelming sadness. On top of this my...
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We’ve all been through so much. I want to take a moment to share our memories. I know it’s still hard, but sharing is healing. It’s been almost 6 years since my big brother died by suicide. I had an especially hard day yesterday and I wanted to call him. But he’s not here. I wanted to tell him the struggles his nephews are having. How much they need their uncle. Though I talk to him everyday, it’s not the same. It’s taken me several years to not be mad and try to understand his choice. I’m...
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I lost my dad (1984) and my first wife/ex (1988).I dedicate this poem to all those who are struggling to hold on to hope.
I Abandoned Hope
By X2!
I abandoned hope on that terrible day
But hope didn’t abandon me –
For, while I despaired so greatly,
While tears flowed like the oceans pouring out their waters,
While the guilt plagued me, and the shame tried to sneak in,
While the days dragged by, endlessly, never able to get out
From under the...
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I was in a toxic (narcissistic abusive) relationship for 6 years and was put thru hell and back during the hole relationship and he made a lot of bad choices over the years and had it in his head we had to flea to Mexico.
He was going thru a divorce and his ex got full custody and he was ordered to pay a lot of child support, all his and his exes legal fees, CRA taxes, dui etc. he blames it all on me. His solution was to steal half a million from credit cards and lines of credits and run...
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Sometimes in this journey, whether its grief, life, loss, change - we seem to face a never ending array of experiences that we must figure out how to manage or live with and through. This morning, it dawned on me reading the posts here, that sometimes what we need to hear the most is....it's okay to be just who and what you are today.
You don't need to be brave, you don't need to be strong, you don't need to be positive and you don't need to be anything but just you. Tall, short, on...
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I am just trying to learn more about psychosis and what my son may have been going through when he took his life at 24. From talking to a Psychiatrist, Mental Health specialists at a level one facility, reading online articles daily for the last month, and being in online and in person groups, the most likely scenario given my son's behavior was acute onset schizophrenia and psychosis. From his work calling us and telling us something was wrong on Friday as he stared vacantly at a wall...
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Sitting gazing out into the ocean with my morning coffee. My first family-type holiday since losing my wife in November 2022. We’re staying in a house which a friend kindly offered. It’s just me and my daughter here. This morning I have been reflecting on just how hard I tried to support my wife in the weeks leading up to her death.
* I told her doctor how worried I was, and the ‘crisis’ mental health support team was initiated.
* I took her to her counsellor and she also had a long...
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A few weeks ago this little nest appeared on the ground underneath the flowers at my son's spot. It looked fake and I thought it might have been left by a friend or something. Then one by one little blue eggs started appearing and I finally saw momma bird. A little robin decided to make a nest right there on the ground. Maybe it's not that unusual but I have never seen this before. There's a tree a few feet away. I looked up the incubation time and the eggs are due to hatch this week. Almost...
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My husband died 8 weeks ago. We had his celebration of life yesterday. It was beautiful and it was clear how many lives he touched and how many people loved him.
I just feel like I am in this horrible limbo. I miss him so much and I hate not having him here. I don’t want to be here and feel all of this. Yet at the same time I don’t want to die as much as I miss him. I also have 2 beautiful children and wouldn’t want to inflict the pain he caused on anyone else. I hope that makes sense. It...
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My Aunt Noelle was 5’3” going on 6’3”. She was bold. She was beautiful. She was a survivor. I was scared to meet her. After all, it had been 20 years since we had last spoken. Family can be like that sometimes.
I’m glad I took that chance and made that phone call. That was 5 years ago and we were in constant contact every day since. Even up until the day before they found you.
I wailed and asked God why. How? I remember yelling to my Mom what happened and not being able to catch my...
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I'm not sure if this would really help or not but I keep coming back to the idea of writing a letter to Helena. A part of me wants to really bless her out for what she did to herself, her beautiful self. And then I remind myself that it is truly like my friend said the other day, she didn't do this, her illness did this.
And so I tried to turn my thoughts to something a little bit more positive. Maybe write a letter that has proof of some of the hard truths we've lived through in this past...
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Hi all, I could use some advice. Tomorrow I am going to my son's last school concert. He won't be there. He died right before what should have been his first concert and we have never seen any performances there. I want to go to this one, which includes a special remembrance for him, and I don't want to cry. I want it to be a happy event for me -- in appreciation of my son and the wonderful community that surrounded him, with gratitude for other concerts that I have been able to watch...
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Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum and though I am happy to have found it, I wish I found it sooner. It has been years since my loss, so this post is quite long. I apologize in advance as I did not anticipate writing something this lengthy, it just happened.
I lost my husband of 5 years in 2016. I was only 26 when it happened, and this experience has shaped my life more than I can explain. I married someone who was 15 years older than me who had experienced an accident which left him...
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I don't think I've shared this here yet but I'm not sure- (I have shared this part- I lost a close friend to suicide 5 plus months ago), I have trouble understanding my feelings in this because 7 weeks prior to this my close friend who ended her life, she stopped responding to me. I talked to this friend on their way to work, she got there and saw her boss and said she'd call right after work and texted me some super kind, loving, encouraging things. Never heard from her the rest of the day...
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I spent most of my life feeling "less than". Over the past 10 years I have done a LOT of self-reflection and hard work and had found a person within myself that wasn't less than. I was human, same as everyone, imperfectly perfect.
Then 15 months ago my brother, and only sibling, Colin, died from suicide. As you all know, I am no longer the same person.
So here I am, not knowing who I am; not yet who I'll be. I feel lost. I feel "less than" again.
When I post here on the AOH forum I...
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Hello. I recently lost my Aunt to suicide and am here to listen, find support, and eventually provide support to others. Thank you for having me. I am grateful for this resource.
My dad died from suicide in October 2023. He was gone for a few weeks before he was found. Some sort of overdose, but definitely deliberate.
My dad and I had a turbulent relationship. He was an addict and it was very stressful for the last 10 years. I didn’t have any stability from him. I also didn’t really understand the severity of his mental state. I was actively trying to repair our relationship for the 6 months before he passed. I wish I could have done more.
The family is further...
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It’s been 2 years 9 months and 7 days since the worst day of my life when I lost my 18 year old daughter.
She had an acquaintance pick her up that morning, drive her to a gun store where she legally bought a shotgun and bullets and then that acquaintance drove her an hour away from home and dropped her off in the woods. It took the police over 24 hours to find her.
I have never gone to those woods where my baby took her last breath. I have been having this urge / desire to walk and stand...
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Kristin has a book full of these types of writings. I wanted to share one tonight.
Paradox
Look in the mirror
Two people look back
One is full of energy
The other, a soul it lacks
Walk through the crowds and no one knows
They look at your face and it never shows
They could never understand the pain that thrives
Or through the happiness you try to survive
Look in the mirror and what do I see?
Too many people staring back at me
It’s 8 weeks today since I lost my partner, I went back to my apartment today and I could barely focus it’s just not right. I feel so out of it what am I meant to do, my life is gone I sat in my house just feeling sick. I just want to be at home with him curled up next to me watching tv, it’s getting colder here and we love to put the heater on and watch movies. This is truly the worst thing the way I felt looking at my things I don’t even know who I am anymore, I can’t connect with things...
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I recently lost my husband to suicide. Several people have suggested that I join a group to help me process everything that I’m feeling and everything that I have yet to feel, quite friendly don’t want to feel.
This post is some thoughts of changes that I wanted to share.
When I lost my daughter over 2 and half years ago my first thoughts were to make big changes in my life, do anything that could help with the pain. Things like leaving my job and selling the house. Moving to another state and having a new beginning. However, I learned from others here that you need to wait and not do anything too soon. I did little things like getting a the same semicolon tattoo my daughter got as she...
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I don't care what anyone thinks of me ...I. Just went threw a super hard time in life's journey !!! I am who I am ! And I don't care what anyone thinks about me I'm a human being suffering my loss of my beautiful wife and life! It do.t matter what anyone can say and do for me ...I'm a man who knows my love stands strong !!! God and I know !!!!
I believe that many of us— and especially the parents of those we’ve lost— suffer enormous regret and feelings of guilt.
I think about the times I felt frustrated, worried, and mentally exhausted, from helping my son navigate the VA health system and deal with myriad physical symptoms he was experiencing as a burn pit vet who’d served in Iraq. He was also dealing with the re-emergence of a pituitary tumor that had been surgically removed several years ago. I was so focused on his...
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I am really sick of this, I am so mad that this is real. My heart is so broken my chest feels so bruised it’s sore to the touch.
He can’t be gone I love him so much and need him. I feel so hurt that he left me and guilty that he didn’t feel enough love to stay
My heart is so broken. I don’t see the world the same and I hate it here I really do I feel like I’ve lost the only person I ever truly had, and I hate any of the times I chose other people over him or situations over him I’m...
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This documentary explores suicide from the perspectives of mom’s whose children have died by suicide. It follows a couple of mothers whose sons have been involved in infamous school shootings, including Writer and activist, Susan Klebold, whose son Dylan killed 13 people at Columbine High, before ending his own life.
She talks about the Hell of living with a malfunctioning brain, and how in the the aftermath of this infamous tragedy, she developed an insight into the narratives of a...
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Hi everyone, I'm Moonie, I think I'm processing the suicide of my partner of 3 years. He died in November of 2022, in my apartment, 3 days after we broke up, 3 days before my 23rd birthday and during my 3rd year uni exams. He was only 22yrs old. We had been together and lived together for 3 years, he was completely financially dependent on me and was, in retrospect, quite emotionally abusive... I'm having a hard time knowing where to go with this. I've been sick for the last year but managed...
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I loved my brother with everything in me. I tried so hard to save him and he told his girlfriend that I was his “champion.” So he knew that. I still feel that overwhelming love and loss, but in the last few weeks I’ve had to come to accept that my daily life has not significantly changed. But at the same time everything has changed. My brother lived four miles from me, but it really depended on where he was with his mental health and addiction if I got to see him. With that realization...
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I have always had a hard time sleeping. One of the appeals to becoming a paramedic was because it required an abnormal sleep schedule. (of course there were other reasons) Ever since my friend Kiel took his own life (he was also a paramedic) I have had not just a harder time sleeping, but when night comes I don't want to sleep. Kiel took his own life at around 3 in the morning. I don't know why I force myself to stay up. He's gone, am I trying to prevent some other persons suicide? I have...
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I don’t know what I’m doing here. I cannot believe this happened to our family but at the same time I knew it could. My mom took her life a week ago.. I hadn’t seen her in a few years but talked to her. A few days before she died I left her a really great voice mail and she text me back it was the best one ever!!! A couple days later (Friday) I started crying to my husband about wanting my mom. Wanted her to live with me. How I thought I’d never see her again…
She took her life the next day...
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I am a 34 year old who has her love take his life almost two years ago and leave me with our then 7 months old daughter… my soul is so exhausted from the aftermath over the last 2 years I can feel it in my bones. I just tried starting to date again but I don’t think anyone will ever be able to understand me and my life and the love I have lost and what that entails. Any advice is appreciated.
Autumn was my favourite time of the year, a season of beauty. As trees let go of their leaves, it was a reminder of rest and recovery. This beautiful season of colour was the season my son left us.
This years autumn is the fourth we have to face without him. For me, once again the season turns to one that can evoke the feeling of numbness and pain. This can mimic how we feel when we go from a life filled with our loved one to a new, empty life, with their void.
Autumn is visually a season...
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I lost my dad in Feb 2022 (natural causes). Then my brother died from suicide on January 25, 11 months later. That took my family of origin from 4 people to 2 people in those 11 months. Now it's just my mom and I.
My mom is 81 and struggling. Her brain is not working well, hopefully due to grief and not dementia. It's only been 7 months since her last loss of these 2 in a row, so grief brain may be the only issue. But she is different. I am different.
My struggle is that it feels...
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Hi all. Last time we talked, some of you had said that the second year of grieving after loss is even harder than the first one. Today marks the end of my second year without him and also the beginning of third. I can't say which one was harder, the first or the second. The two years were so different apart, first had me hardly surviving, reminding myself to breathe as if every breath was more painful than the previous one. The second had me (re)learning how to live and realizing that the...
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I haven't posted in a while, I have been busy with everything life is throwing at me, but today on a Sunday where we would have had a nice lazy brekky it just seems so so hard and unfair. The kids are away atm and I'm on my own where I fell on my knees this morning crying that I hate what I have lost. I hate what he did, how could he do this to us. I'm tired, I'm just so tired. Tired of doing all the stuff that needs to be done. Tired of feeling so lonely. Tired of making all the...
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For a long time, I was annoyed or disappointed or upset with my partner. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't talk to me about little things or big. When he wanted his grown sons to come and live with us, he didn't talk to me about it. I wasn't saying he needed my permission, just that I wanted to be included. I wanted the chance to be excited about it, the chance to show my support.
I used to tell him that I felt like I was invisible. I started looking up symptoms of npd and disorders...
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On July 27, 2023, my Son Matthew lost his life to suicide. He was 28 years old. It was the worst day of my 62 years on the planet.
I never understood why people take their own lives. It never made sense to me and now my son has taken his life. It has left my entire family and myself WITH A HUGE HOLE IN OUR HEARTS and a void in our lives that can never be filled.
Matthew was born on April 7, 1995. it was the Happiest day of my life. I was overjoyed that my first born was a boy. I was...
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I feel the need to share these feelings here because I haven't been able to share them with almost anyone (just the therapist). I don't speak about this with friends or family because I feel that they will judge me and think that I am a monster. I already think that of myself so I don't need to have more people feel that way. But I need to share this with someone. I thought that I could do it here.
I acted awful on the days preceding the death of my father and because of this, I feel that...
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My 32 year old son took his life less than a week ago. Due to the way I lived my life when Justin was a child we had no contact for more than 15 years. About 3 years ago we reconnected and were building a relationship as adults. I thought our relationship was strong and that he felt like he could tell me anything. I knew this last year was unbelievably rough and that he had many struggles he was facing. I realize now that I didn't have a clue how much pain he was in because he hid it so...
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My husband took his life 20 days ago. We were all blindsided. All things considered, he had a great childhood (his mom was in a wheelchair since he was 2 with various cancer) Played sports, had siblings, took family vacations, had loving parents etc. We had a magical marriage. Wanted to spend our time together so we made sure not to lead stressful lives, signing up for things that would spread us too thin. Had jobs that were low stress and allowed us to take off whenever we wanted...
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it’s been two years since i lost my bestest friend in the world to suicide. for the entire first year after his death, i was very depressed and struggled to maintain my life, school, friendships, relationships, work etc… i lost multiple jobs due to not being able to get out of bed in the morning. i lost friends due to not being able to connect after losing my best friend. i struggled to maintain a relationship with my boyfriend due to the stress of grief. i couldn’t even clean my room for an...
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I know it wasn't my fault. But the first time I tried to break up with him, about a year into our relationship, he tried to kill himself and was in the icu for a week. I stayed with him for six and half more years.
Last month I was trying to break up with him again. I had an apartment lined up. I'd actually tried to move in early but the landlady asked me to wait until the town festival was over. I'd pulled back on my financial support. He was not being kind to me. He wouldn't listen...
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As a young adult I am so sick of the people around me joking about suicide. I have never thought this kind of talk was okay, but after the loss of my aunt it seems so deplorable. Every time I am in a social setting I hear jokes about it at least once. It's like a stab to my heart each time.
I've told my two closest friends — who already knew what happened to my aunt — that it really bothers me to hear it, and they've each made a genuine effort to switch off that kind of language around me...
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Today I was sitting in my flat and I heard someone trying to break in, using the side of the block of flats where no one can see them. As I was sitting at my Laptop and had no music playing, they no doubt thought no one was in.
I went outside in case they had a knife or something. Phoning the police they suggested that I stay outside. After 10 minutes I saw the person coming down a nearby laneway, so I went to check the window. He had broken one window and got the other open. When the...
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Hi.
I was advised by mother to come here, to share.
I recently lost my brother by suicide in early July. It's raw, painful.
I have suffered loss before, my sister at 24 (I was 15) my father he was 59 (I was 24 few months before I got married). Grief has always been my tormentor, my friend.
But this feels so different. So hard. Such a mind headache of emotions, anger, grief, confusion....
I won't go heavily into the details prior to his death (a bitter divorce), but he was 35, in a wonderful...
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My son was only 29. He was amazing, brilliant, charismatic and loving. He had the whole world in front of him. I can't get past the pain he must have been in. Why couldn't I protect him? I should have been able to help him and now I won't get that chance. I am not sure of what to do with the grief.
I'm trying to believe you all when you say it gets better. I listened to Megan Devine's book it's okay that your not ok. I'm reading Alan Wolfeit's book about understanding your suicide grief. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'll admit I haven't really absorbed everything I read and listened to but I'm trying. I haven't written to my son in a week but I talk to him all the time. Interaction with others or groups is exhausting/overwhelming but being alone puts me in a...
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My daughter took her life a few days before her 36th birthday. My wife and I are suffering devastating pain and grief. We are praying for comfort and for the soul of our daughter.
I lost my husband May 1st. 2023. I am looking for a safe place to connect and share with others who understand. All grief is painful & difficult. But this grief from suicide is a whole different level. it is my belief that only people who have suffered this type of loss can truly understand our grief.
Im avoiding going to her grave because I still pretend she is alive.I pretend that she has no internet on her phone so I cant call her.Because when I go to the cemetery it hits me like a ton of bricks and I fall apart.
Im losing my mind...
Hello, I'm new to this forum. I recently lost a very dear friend to suicide. I am struggling with this loss. I have lost loved ones before, but this is affecting me differently. I am seeking counseling, and was told a support group could help. I am so sorry for everyone who has been in this situation. It is excruciating!
Hello All. We lost our son Colin over 5 years ago. Colin was 30 when he died by suicide and mental illness on 5/6/2018. We have so much love surrounding us, support and love for Colin remains strong. However, a very dear 16 year old friend died by "accidental suicide" Saturday. The services are not until 9/14 and 15. I know am the services will be so hard for my husband along with the Mom and sister of our young friend. The Mom is a dear friend and work colleague of my husbands...
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One year ago today you left us Don. My sweet sweet boy. Your birthday is just 4 days away you would have been 31.
Today you're aunt I got memorial tattoos for you and you're brother (Ben).
It's been really hard the last two weeks leading up to these two very important days. I am doing my best to make it for both you and your brother. It takes a lot of hard work to process this heavy heavy grief.
Oh how I miss you so much my little monkey.
I love you and your brother so much!
Our oldest boy started secondary school today he should have been here to see this day and support our boy I hate these occasions because I become angry at him all over again. Our 5 year old had me planting new plants for his dad yesterday in his memorial garden and our 8 year old pines for him. All I get from people is he mentally and physically abused you you should be over him but I’m not he was mentally unwell it wasn’t his fault and he was my husband my best friend my soul mate how do...
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daddy, I miss you. I could type a novel right now explaining how much I miss you how you have impacted my life and how much pain, confusion, and frustration I feel that you're not here.
im trying to take care of myself, working out more (could probably still get better with this), working full time to distract me, trying to eat better, in therapy, attending support groups, reading books about losing someone to suicide, researching gambling, drugs, neglect, anything that could have led my...
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I’m not sure if this discussion is aloud so I apologize if it’s not.
Can anyone just relate to being tired? Tired of trying to process & understand. I drive myself crazy some days. Today being one of those days. Just full of emotion & trying to get a grip on living myself. Sometimes I can’t even put the emotions into words. It just feels like a tornado in my brain. Sometimes I just wish I could take a deep breath & remember life before the grief.
My son took his own life 6 weeks ago. He was 36 years old. It feels like it was yesterday. I struggle every day to move forward. My heart is broken and my brain searches endlessly for answers, for someone to blame so I might see one day where the guilt is not overwhelming. I was very close to my son, we spoke almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I texted with him just hours before. Some of the many questions my brain keeps asking is why didn't he come to me, why didn't he...
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I’m 38 and lost my fraternal twin sister to suicide 3 years ago. Looking to connect with other twinless twins.
Several people have suggested grief counseling. It costs $100-$200 for 40 minutes. Are there any counseling services that are more affordable?
It’s been almost 2 months since he had left us. I’m taking therapy and on anti anxiety medication. With the help, I can feel “OK” from time to time. However, a couple of times a day, there are moments when I get swallowed by the tsunami of emotions. I really get lost and forget to breathe. Right now, I’m relatively calm, but very scared because I know those dreadful moments are going to come back. As many of survivors say, it will get better a little by little, maybe. But I’m so scared, how...
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In a few days it will be the day I found out he died. In an obituary. My situation is different than so many here because he was my ex partner and we weren't in contact then. Writing this is really painful. In therapy yesterday I talked about it and I don't think I ever felt the pain so deeply. It is a deep sadness I've never felt before.
For me, he was the love of my life, and it hurts to say that. It was a time in my life I was in a good place, and my mental health was too. And he...
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When we fall to the silence that Stigma brings upon us, we can begin to internalize this as ourselves now becoming a burden. By not talking, we then inadvertently add to the silence surrounding this type of grief and that then feeds the Stigma that we are trying to overcome. We experience disenfranchised grief.
People have said things that now make me no longer feel that I can share. When they ask me, "How are things going?" I tend to respond with a "Thanks for asking but I am...
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On Thursday I took the long flight to leave my life behind and return to my country and try to heal in the safety of family. I arrived at my father's house. I haven't lived with him since I was a child but he really wanted me to come.
I have never taken my dad up on coming to live with him because he does not feel safe. On the first night, as I started to break down about the suicide and losing my home, he tried to be there for me but in a very detached, weird way. We argued and then he...
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I recently lost my beloved partner boyfriend due to suicide in June of this year. I am introducing myself on this forum because I very much want to connect with other people who have lost a loved one in this manner
It was devastating and I didn’t see it coming. I’m slowly learning to cope with the roller coaster of emotions and stress this has caused
I am so very sad and I miss him so much
I’m listening to Spare by Prince Harry. He’s remembering the moment he’d heard Princes Di—his Mum died. he was broken in this moment.
I remember right after Connor died there was a local boy with some physical disabilities but not terribly restrictive had been in his family’s van at school and reached in the back seat to obtain an item. Something malfunctioned and the seat collapsed and was crushing him. He was able to call 911 but horrifically in the confusion of the parking lots at the...
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I am so happy to have found this forum. I would like to share my story. —- Trigger warnings for any suicide by GSW—-My beautiful son Jake was always such a bright and loving son. Since middle school he suffered from depression and anxiety. We saw many psychiatrists and he was on antidepressant. At least thats what he told me. That he was still taking them. Over the last year I noticed he had become more withdrawn and I tried so hard to reach him. I wasnt aware he was addicted to weed...
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Hi, I was Jay's mom.
4 years ago, my 21 year old son ended the life I gave him about 10 months after he returned from Afghanistan. The early morning hours on Labor Day 2019 he used his service pistol.
I lift my gaze towards the sky
and your name escapes my lips as a whispered prayer.
I never got to say I'm sorry, never said goodbye.
I never wanted to grieve for you, my sweet boy, I hope you understand why.
Endless nights melt into months.
The nameless figures haunt me in the fog. The pain burning in my chest is my constant reminder that your last breath didn't kill me.
Finally granted mercy, you appear in the mist, smiling at me over your shoulder and I swear I...
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I lost my husband to suicide in May and have been in something of a fog since then. I talked with Ronnie this week and she recommended that I introduce myself and gave me some suggestions that I'm hoping will be helpful. I am still in shock that he is gone but am trying to start accepting that my life as I knew it is forever gone and to start figuring out what my new "normal" might begin to look like. I am glad to have found this community and hope to one day be able to constructively...
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Back in the day…2012. Johnny would be 25 and Connor 17. Cara, the puppy in the picture was a few months old. She’s my baby girl, my best friend, I lost this February. Johnny, Connor, and Cara are united Waiting on their Momma.
I've tried lots of coping mechanisms to try and ease the pain of losing a parent to suicide but none of them seemed to work so now I'm going to try this. I lost my mom to suicide almost 14 years ago. I thought as more time passed it would get less painful and become "easier" but that is seemingly not true. If anyone has any coping mechanisms that could help me cry less and sleep better at night it would be greatly appreciated
My mother abandoned me after my husband died in January. I think she tried to comfort me, but I don't think she really knew how and thus has let me down during my darkest days when I am needing her the most. I know she was angry with my husband because she saw the amount of pain that I was in. Moreover, I did not like when she placed the total blame on him, and I remember saying to her that I felt that was a very harsh statement. I know he made the decision to end his life, but for her to...
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She left us just eleven days ago. My beautiful daughter was 22. She decided to end her life after witnessing her fiancé suffer an extremely traumatic motorcycle accident four days earlier. He was on life support, but after learning he would never open his eyes again, she closed hers. I think she blamed herself- they were new riders and had just bought the bikes. Her idea. She couldn’t live without him and couldn’t live with those images in her head. My stepson, her best friend, found her...
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My husband and I saw a heart in the clouds while walking our dog after dinner. My 16 year old son used to join us for our after dinner walks. I would often point out pretty cloud formations or sunsets. I’m taking this heart as a sign from him. I guess he’s still joining us on our walks.
Some of my son's friends have reached out and they are trying to sort through the loss of their friend. Justin was 16 so his friends are young and confused and some of them blame themselves. I don't know what to do to help them. One boy made a fb post that said he blames himself. I want to respond but also these are 16 year old kids. I don't know where my boundaries should be. Encourage them to seek help? Reach out to the parents or the school? I don't know what to do. I was going to respond...
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My dad took his life a month after he turned 40. My parents had me when they were teenagers so I’ve always felt like I’ve grown up with my dad. Regardless of distance created in the future I feel I grew up with him. Knew him well in his early 20’s. He was a single dad at the time and all I ever knew. We were both exactly that KIDS. I still am as I’m reaching my 23 year. I think often about just how heartbreaking it is that I will never see him old. I will never see a wrinkled face, grey...
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i was on tiktok and this video pops up and i related to everything she said.
the show is called Sorry for your loss
it is on Facebook watch. staring Elizabeth Olsen
I just finished the first episode and i relate to it so much. the way she portrays grief is so real. the way people who are not affected by this death treat her.
the story is about this wife who loses her husband. (idk how he dies, they have not said it)
we see her grief, the husbands brothers grief.
If you wanna watch a show...
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Since my dad's death and now my brother's, I've been completely stuck. Its been three and a half years of almost never leaving the house, I even forgot how to drive, I barely do anything during the day.
Today I came into the realization that as of today I dont have a version of myself without them. All I've ever known about myself is something that is no longer there, and I dont know myself anymore.
I think the reason I've been this stuck is because I dont want to look at myself and see...
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Hello, I am new to this forum. Like many of you, I arrived here exactly thirty fays after the loss of my father. My mother and I found his body and the image continues to torment me. My mother is shattered, and I fear greatly for her health, which only adds weight to my grief.
Like many of you, I feel utterly confused. Feelings of anger, profound sadness, abandonment, guilt, and shock alternate hour by hour, often minute by minute. I feel an immense guilt towards everyone I love around me...
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Hi friends,
I hope today is being kind to you.
I'm feeling a lot at the moment because tomorrow marks two years since my friend Steve died.
However, I didn't find out for a few days....so there are multiple pain points.
I have good help, and I'm working on finding more...but that entails finding words.
I'm a writer and a creative workshop facilitator, but they're in short supply at the moment.
Thank you for your kindness,
Poet
As I go through this, sometimes I will write things out. this is a habit from my previous life. forcing myself to summarize a situation and analyze it. I always have an audience of readers in mind, and this writing is no different. However, sometimes its best to write things out, and never send them.
After 2 days, and sending this writing to no one, I decide to post it here. This is the third post I have made since this happened. its a good anonomouys place for this. I didnt expect to...
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How does one get up and share at the Funeral or Celebration of Life, when they still haven't accepted the death? I'm still SAD, MAD and DEVASTATED. I have TRAUMA from the suicide loss of my brother because I was the last one with him...There is guilt too and feelings that our family let him down. Should I avoid talking because of how I feel? Were you in a similar situation? What helped?
My sweet kind son took his life week ago today. The pain I feel is all consuming and frightening He was my best friend and I feel lost without him. I miss his twinkling eyes, warm smile, and silly giggles every time he got me to say, “You’re mother!”. My funny sweet boy I miss you terribly.
I don’t understand his decision. He had so much going his way. He was loved and respected by so many. He brought so many people together. Why didn’t he believe the love shown to him he deserved?
My sweet son left this world 2 years ago today. I miss him so much. I miss his amazing laugh, his incredible sense of humor, and his adventurous spirit. He kept the whole family laughing every day, and now the house is so quiet without him. He was only 17 and had never been depressed. It came as a complete shock to us. I can't believe we've lived without him for two years already. Life is so different now. I just want to hug and kiss him. Thank you for this group.
my friend got me a job as a server for red lobster. i’m terrified. i’ve never served before. i haven’t worked in awhile but i know i need to get out. i haven’t had a job in so long due to everything. but i need to get out. make money. stop moping around.
my friend actually knew aaron so maybe that’ll help.
i’m worried about panic attacks or random sad waves. sometimes i break throughout the day randomly. i’m worried about that.
worried i won’t be happy enough to the guests.
i don’t...
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It's been some time since I've last posted. This has been a very tough time lately. I look back at the time before my brother died and it was tough indeed. He got sick suddenly and one year to the day he took his life. We are now staring at the calendar waiting for the one year "anniversary" to arrive. It's funny how my timeline in my lifetime has changed...before and after my brother. I see dates on pictures and think to myself...we have 6 more years with him...8 years, etc. Ugh. I...
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More than two months ago I losy my doughter Jagna. She was nearly 12. I still have 5 other kids to take care. We have had mental illnesses cases in my familly, now I cry for my very young girl who was victim of school bulling and in the same time I fear for my other kids.
I'm a christan. I belive I will meet my girl, that she is at peace. Im am on a boat now, on the route I wasn't planning, storms are everyday, sometimes is so quiet. I dint know where I am going and how long it will take...
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Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, July 2nd
**This year, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.
Please note: The deadline for signing up will end at 6:00 PM Central Time on the Friday prior to any given call.
Community Sunday calls will take place on the first Sunday of each month.*
They offer an opportunity to get to know...
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This past week in the clinic, I was giving a patient a cold compress as she ended her treatment. In the process of getting her set up, she asked, ‘Who’s Josh?’ At first, I was so focused on the task at hand, it didn’t occur to me at that moment that she had seen my tattoo on my arm. When it finally registered, I simply said quietly, ‘He was my brother.’ And her response was one of lament. She knew that he wasn’t here anymore and she just offered a sad but warm smile and said, ‘my son‘s name...
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Neighbours invited me to their home for a bbq yesterday evening. I went, on my own, for an hour and talked and ate with them. This is the first time I’ve done this type of social thing since losing my wife last year. I am proud of myself for going and enjoyed being with another family.
Lost my beautiful 28 year old daughter to suicide on May 24. She has had a long battle with depression and anxiety but was trying to manage it. A little over a year and a half ago, she had an oophorectomy which is a complete hysterectomy with ovaries removed also. She had been told that sometimes hormones can cause her problems, but no one explained how hard it would be to live a normal life with the oophorectomy. The doctor did it with no hesitation. As a result, she never could get...
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I only have a few weeks left to be at my daughter's house. The time is here to put it on the market. I knew this day would come, and I want to hold on a bit longer to the last place she was.
I'm still in disbelief most days. As I look around her house and see her art work, I am learning more about her. Lying on her bed imagining her grief of the loss of her husband not 3 months after they were wed as he completed suicide was a living nightmare for her. On my good days, although I would...
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I’m not sure how many of you out there will get this reference, but I felt I had to share this because the realization just hit me like a thunderbolt.
After watching the amazing and wonderful show, ‘Ted Lasso,’ I realized that I in fact, am him. I was always an optimistic person, but losing someone who meant so much to me and who had such a huge impact on my life the way he did, made me even more so because of how quickly the tides can turn. It also made me never give up on hope and on...
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Today is your Birthday, Brian, I miss you more than words can express: Love you Bri; I know I will be together with you again. I just have to wait until that time. It is so hard to go on in this world with a
My children’s father committed suicide after a custody battle. He abused us all, and I have not been in a place to properly grieve him in the past year since his passing. Looking for community to help me through this.
I married my ex-husband when I was 16. We then had 2 children together. We were married for 15 years, and our divorce was finalized last September. He took his life in April of this year.
This last week or two I’ve been terrified, especially when I wake up in the morning. I thought I was fine and everything has hit me hard these last few days. My children seem to be doing fine, but I am barely functioning, and I feel like I will be totally consumed by these feelings.
I want to feel...
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idk if this goes here but i had my phone call with his mom.
i had thought aaron didn’t leave a note and that he hadn’t planned it. it turns out he left a note at his college apartment and at his house. so he was planning it.
told his parents to not keep his stuff so they got rid of most of it. gave them his passcode for his stuff. told them there is a list of people to contact and i was on it.
he had made me a playlist a few days prior titled “because i don’t know how to else to thank...
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Is anyone else affected by this? I've no idea the ins and outs and don't want a discussion on the rights and wrongs etc but I saw his interview this morning and it took me right back to my dad talking about suicide for 4 years (before he completed) and my heart goes out to his 2 daughters and all the people close to him.
His whole demeanour was of a broken, suicidal person and it really disturbed me and triggered my ''PTSD'' around my dad.
The media and social media are in battle mode about...
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Hello...feeling incredibly anxious and have called or texted 5 people now and no can talk with me, so I am grateful to have this forum. This is my first post. I lost my younger brother, my best friend, and a wonderful uncle to my three kids. I lost the only person in this world that knows me better than anyone else. My brother was 40 years old and I was with him the day before he killed himself. I feel like there is a monster on my back, digging his claws into my flesh, making every...
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I just saw this on facebook.
It made me stop and think.
As mostly when I think of my dad I feel pain, guilt, confusion, fear.
But this question made me pause for thought.
And I realised;
That despite everything yes.
Yes, I would.
I love him despite all the pain and trauma.
He gave me so much - and this questions refocusses me onto that -
The positive.
Ah, love you dad
''In your next life will you like your Dad to be your Dad again?''
I'm alone - a lot. My family is visiting through the weekend and I feel happy. I miss mom and still go to reach for the phone for us all to call, only to realize she's gone. But this visit has brought happiness and I'm grateful I can feel joy and not be guilty or let the sorrow cloud over.
I recently learned that my aunt has been introducing women to my widowed dad to see if there could potentially be a romantic relationship between my father and one of them. My father has apparently reacted with interest to this. I don't know if I am selfish but I don't feel comfortable with this. I feel that it is too soon. It's been just over six months since my mom passed. The grief is heavy and I don't have the emotional energy to welcome a new person in my life and to deal with the...
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Sometimes in life, there are events that divide our existence into distinct periods. The fortunate ones experience a single life trajectory, while the very unfortunate seem to live multiple lives. The suicide of my mom became the defining moment that split my life into two: the before and the after. Admittedly, some of this division was of my own making. I chose to leave my career after her death, a decision that felt necessary. Truth be told, I hadn't been enjoying my job for quite some...
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I'm a married, retired mom of 4 adult children and a grandmother of 2. I've worked in the healthcare industry for over 24: years and have been able to travel and lived in several states. Currently, I live in Tennessee with my husband and 2 dogs. I lost my eldest daughter (35 yrs old) to a self inflicted gun shot wound on January 23, 3023.
I HATE waking up in the morning. I am so filled with anxiety and sadness that I just wish I could sleep through this pain.
I don’t know how to exist.
How do you handle mornings?
I asked this in my suicide bereavement group. Which is important as it still sucks 7 years on.
The Facilitator answered, "Your grief changing"
Hugs
Damon
Wondering of how others feel about the new ABC series
In Limbo.
Initially I was a vert disappointed that it has a warning at the beginning about photosensitive epilepsy which the show I don't think has anything which would trigger Photosensitive epilepsy more then any show it seems to be the new blanketed warning on Abc, yet it carries no warning for people bereaved by suicide or suffering suicidality.
I wondered whether any consultation had been done with people with lived...
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My name is Amber and about a week ago my father ended his life. I don’t even know how to type this, I usually loathe interacting with strangers but I don’t know what else to do. I have so many emotions and I miss him so much.
Hi all,
I lost my husband 8 months ago. We got up in the morning, he went for a run, and I got in the shower to get ready for work. I was in a rush out the door due to work. My husband told me to have a good day. I gave him a light hug since he was all sweaty from his run. I would do anything to go back in time and give him the biggest hug and stay with him. I just hate that I was in a bad mood and short with him that morning. I came home from work and found him. I never thought this was...
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Well I bought myself a battery operated chain saw. I have been cutting up downed branches in my yard from this past Winter. I like it.My son and I changed the oil, filters, and spark plugs on my riding lawn mower. Boy it was long overdue. I had to go buy a new battery for the rider. Now the mower starts and is running good. I have found that Google has been very helpful with me finding out how to do tasks. I went into the house and cried after the lawn mower would not start. Then I thought...
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Hi Everyone,
I'm 27M. About a year ago my brother-in-law committed suicide. It's been difficult to say the least because my sister was pregnant at the time and was in the middle of moving into a new house. I repressed a lot of my feelings for a long time, mainly so I can be present for my sister, her daughter, and my parents. I basically lived out of a suitcase for a couple months ,traveling between all three of our houses so I can be available in case they needed me.
I've cried most days...
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As I've read through old posts I've noticed that sometimes people make a thread that they come back to again and again, kind of a journal. I've decided to do that, because so many of my posts are just a spilling out of what is inside me. I do appreciate comments and emojis as people want. There's something about knowing (or at least thinking) that someone, somewhere does read it. So I'll return over and over to this thread (unless moderators say they prefer people don't do this).
I'm really...
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So, this weekend is being spent on a 4-day music festival. The music is rock and covers many decades. Last night (Saturday) the last band was a very hard heavy metal band, and I was tired so I decided to sit at the quiet end of the festival grounds. Something happened that has me filled with emotions. This will probably be a long post.
I was sitting on a bench and the group approached and were standing close by. The group had an older couple an older single female and 2 younger girls. The...
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But I feel so terribly empty. I feel like the beauty and joy and vivacious life has left with my boys and I’ve been left an empty shell. The void their lives have left is so huge, it’s a lot of nothing but yet I can feel it and I know the nothingness is there. It steals my breath, my life, it stole my boys. I can’t think about anything but my boys, no matter where I am, what I’m doing. They are always on my mind. Sometimes it just sucks every last bit of air out of me and I can’t breathe. I...
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I lost my brother 4 months ago. I was 16 when he was born and he was the light of our family. Because of the age difference, it was different than a typical sibling relationship. I was there to change diapers and rock him to sleep and watch him grow. I haven't been able to talk about him or even think about him without crying. I just want to be able to think of him and not sob. I want to be able to help my mom but I feel like I make things worse for her.
As a committed but some time distant member of this incredible forum, I wanted to share for those on the journey why, years later it still supports and helps when you let it, simply because it reminds you of where the new you began.
My best friend of the time and dearest holder of my heart passed from suicide in 2012. That heart was bespoke to him, we created it together. The departure of him was a level of trauma I have never truly been able to adequately express, no matter who I spoke...
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I have owned a powder coating company and factory for 20 years. Powder coating is the coating of metal parts with a decorative finish. Like painting only more environmentally friendly. A bike rack in the city could be powder coated. I commute to work on a bicycle rail trail from one side of town to the other on most days. I own a business and raised my family in a suburban town. I am part of the fabric of this town.
Earlier this month, someone associated with the rail trail called me and...
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New here. I lost my son to suicide a couple weeks ago. Numb. Exhausted. Bain fog. Confused. Regretful. Overwhelmed. And so very sad.
I'm 21 and lost my mum to depression last year.
I didn't know that she was severely depressed, as I was studying away.
I had to be told over facetime and it was obviously the biggest shock that i have ever had. I still feel I'm in shock 6 months later. When I speak aloud about it, most of the time it feels like i'm talking about something distant that hasn't happened to me, but to someone else, or in a nightmare. I don't usually want to talk to anyone about it because it's hard to articulate...
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Good evening, my name is Mikaela I am 22 years old. I have lost several people in my life to suicide and the wounds are still open. My best friend shot himself while on video chat with me and there wasn’t anything I could do. Then, May 29th 2020 my cousin whom I was close with ended his own life. It has impacted my life and I don't know how to feel besides guilt, anger, and wonder what could I have done differently. I constantly find myself wondering “what if”. I just completely shut down...
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The funeral director, Larry, is fed up with me. He was so kind and led me through this numbing grief to have a wonderful send off for my Emily. I don’t remember much from the process at all. He guided me well. Now he has called and emailed me numerous times. The death certificate is in. I won’t go get it. I can’t. Friends have and other family members have offered to get it. I don’t want it. I think if I don’t see it then it’s not real. I don’t want to let Larry down but I don’t know what...
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Today will be 2 weeks since my son’s passing on 4/27/23. The pain is fresh, deep and surreal. My Tyler was a smart, gentle and kind individual with a beautiful smile. Everyone who knew him said they same. I can’t believe that he took his own life. No one knew how much he suffered. He internalized his pain and turmoil. He graduated summa cum laude from FSU this past December (one semester early) and was already working full time at a local Accounting firm. He was about to move to Tampa to...
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Looking for support, there are not many sights to help suicide loss survivors. I’m a mother who lost my 25 year old 4 months ago.
I’ve been in a puddle of grief for days, now. I try not to count the days because it adds a layer of pain, but it seems like there’s a cycle. A rhythm to my grief. And when I’m sitting in “this” puddle, it seems to come a few days before another month is added.
Im just gonna say it. I hate that this is my life right now. I miss my mom. I want her back. It sucks that she’s gone. I really envisioned having her for at least another 10 years. Or at least have time to say goodbye. Suicide is so...
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Hi, I found my partner of 3 years in our bathroom just over a week ago and I don’t know where to start. Right now I'm hopping around couches because i can’t step foot in my apartment. I was lucky enough to get time off of work but i start again on Monday and don’t know how I’m going to get through the day. I feel lost and don’t know how to start a life without him.
Memorial Day weekend.
A weekend that will forever now live in infamy for me. Because it was this weekend that was dear H’s “beginning of the end.”
I had spent this weekend last year with her. All of it. And some moments were very nice. But other moments were not. Other moments were downright horrifying. This was when she had asked me, “How would you feel if you never saw me again? Overall? If I wasn’t a part of this world anymore.” That is what she said, in my car as I was leaving her for...
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... that's all I feel right now. Remembering the good times, what made my brother happy, his great laugh, shows he'd enjoyed, his Friday night routine, how he loved to share being part of a family.
He loved the worst food the most. Even if we didn't need anything, which we usually didn't, I'd ask for a small pizza when he was getting delivery because... because it made him happy. A soda if nothing else. He felt loved, included, needed... which he was.
The shock.and horror of how he'd died...
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Until my brother died, I was never aware of how often his particular manner of death is portrayed everywhere. I can’t escape it. I was watching the kids’ movie Tarzan with my daughter the other day, and I had no memory of how the villain dies in the movie. As soon as I figured it out, I sprinted out of the living room because I couldn’t get away fast enough. Since school just got out, a few of my coworker’s kids have been hanging around before their summer programs start and two of...
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A Mother's Chorus: Grieving a Child on Mother's DayMy grief is like the weather. Somedays it’s calm, quiet, maybe even a little sunny. Other days it’s a devastating storm that makes me feel angry, exhausted, raw, and empty. I wake up in the morning and wonder – "Am I even alive at all? And if so, how am I supposed to make it through this day?"whatsyourgrief.com
I lost my dad this month last year and it's been such a heavy heavy year - a very hard and lonely time. I am single parenting and running on overwhelm because the grief just keeps me down. I'm in desperate need of some support and especially community as I brace myself for this anniversary.
New to the site. I lost my 27 yr old son to suicide 2 yrs ago. I don't think I've processed it yet. But I'm trying
I had what I thought was a picture perfect life. I had 4 beautiful sons. Three of them I had extremely good relationships with. They each had sweet girls that they had super very healthy relationships with. We spent so much quality time together, doing things we liked to do together and making many special memories. My 4th son has always been a bit (well honestly, a lot) antisocial and has not had much to do with the rest of the family. I’ve been sorry about that but this is life. So this...
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Today is 6 months since i lost my son to suicide. I am reaching out for support online as a way to connect with others who feel my pain. This is the hardest thing i have ever experienced yet i feel there is hope in the sadness. I hope to learn something here as well as share what i have learned.
Hello everyone. I wanted to join this forum to help understand why things like this happen. I'm not entirely sure what to write, but I feel like I need to talk about it. It's been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I'm hoping to gain some insight and perspective from others who may have gone through similar experiences.
Mitch always told me that if I wanted access to the primary bank account that I would have to go to the bank to set it up. To be fair I don't know if he believed that or not but the bank is a VERY long drive. Since he did what he did I have been using his log in to pay bills and check balances. In my own local bank I can make deposits by taking a picture of the check with my phone. Since the primary account is being used for only a few things and I hate making that drive I wondered if I...
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Its been less than 4 months since my sister took her life. I am still reeling in the shock and I haven't quite processed her absence. I'm having a hard time finding people who may even potentially understand what I am going through and thus, my return to the forum.
My brain has padlocked the thought of my sisters death from me. Very rarely do glimpses of my grief flood through. I don't cry about Maddie unless I am talking to my mom and even then, when I'm holding the phone whimpering and...
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Good Morning ....its been 3 weeks since my 64 year old brother in law took his life....we have no idea why he did this...maybe a little depression but no signs at all...he had been in my life just about 50 years...he and my sister were high school sweethearts...i don't know how my sister is dealing with all this...she found him....she has 2 grown married girls and 3 grandchildren...also my mom is still alive....so my sister has some support but still...i can not imagine what she feels...i...
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I wrote this poem soon after our 17 yr old granddaughter completed. I find that writing/journaling to my princess K bring my soul peace and comfort. Sharing these words hoping it may help others in this journey.
Always
I will always look for you wherever I go
Forever see you in natures beauty
I will always look for you in bright colorful lights
Forever keep your essence with me and your sweet love in my heart
I will always look for you in every love song
Forever search your grace in...
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5-years today. Woke up to a day just like the day we found our son…rainy, windy and dreary. My plans had fell through for the day due to the weather and I thought I’d be ok at home. Wrong! Decided to get out for a movie and lunch which distracted me for a few hours. Over indulged in chocolate trying to feel better (temporarily), and then I just felt sick. Most days I’m fine and have worked through those initial first years of deep grief. Hit hard today with missing my son and feeling like...
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I recently learned something that has made me feel terrible and has generated even more questions in my mind. I learned that, sadly, my mother had been suicidal for years. I learned this from her best friend. My mother confessed that to her years ago and asked for her confidentiality, so she never mentioned anything to me, until recently, when I came to her with questions about my mom.
I wonder why my mom never told me about these thoughts. We were very close, we had a loving relationship...
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Recently, one of my co-worker’s mother passed away. Her mother was older and suffered from several illnesses. My boss took up a collection for flowers and others started a meal train. They’ve been updating everyone on plans for the service. I feel horrible even writing this but I’m feeling so sick watching all of this around me and remembering my dad’s death was hardly acknowledged. I truly feel I could throw up and can’t stop crying. My boss sent me a text message and a few of them...
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Hi!
I lost my SIN April 30th 2023, my daughter was 8 months pregnant with their daughter at the time and has a 1 1/2 yo son as well. My daughter since had the baby and is now 3 weeks old today. Not sure how to help her heal but to be there as much as I can but she is spiraling out of control and I feel like nothing is getting across to her and make her see that these 2 babies need her more than ever as do we. It breaks my heart in to a million pieces to watch her having to deal with it...
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Other than those here, and likely a few in our lives closest to us, expressing the sheer exhaustion and wherewithal it can take to get through...certain social situations... well, few words are needed to describe or explain, although I always have more than a few words roaming around in my head looking for a place to settle, land, or find peace.
I'd not seen...anyone...socially since losing my brother, and any inclination I may have had (none) was dissuaded after losing my father a...
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Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. Thinking of all of us who've lost a child. Sending all of the mamas here a hug.
Orange Balloons
On this, National Bereaved Mother's day, I acknowledge the beautiful women in my life who continue to live and love with some of the most incredible strength and light known to humankind.
I love you all so very much. I'm sending you each a handful of comforting thoughts, a pinch of strength and a pound of love.
I was originally going to write something completely different today, but a sudden thought came to me.
As I go through an emotionally charged five week period leading up to H’s one year, I’ve been bracing myself knowing that certain things will bubble up that haven’t surfaced in some time.
One of them was the replaying of that hurtful bit of information I gave her regarding someone we both knew the last night I ever saw her, the night where the next morning she was found in her apartment...
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Last night I had a dream of MY Paul . I am so thankful when he comes to visit me in my dream’s . We were just spending time at his house . I don’t remember any conversation but that is okay . We would talk all the time but we also had this connection of just enjoying the time we had together and not saying anything .
His four year anniversary was three weeks ago and he came to visit me the day before his anniversary . There was so many people in the dream . He told me I was the first...
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My name is Dia - my beautiful amazing loving and kind just 14 year old Graciella Sawyer was stolen from us by suicide (it will be 6 months in 2 days) and with them suicide stole my sunshine.
Graciella Sawyer had a smile that lit up a room - they radiated warmth and love - they literally were our sunshine. They gave many hugs everyday - told us they loved us everyday - they would smile her sweet smile and I used to them that they (and their smile) made my heart happy.
Graciella Sawyer...
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I will forever be a daddy's girl !!!!!!! Forever!!!! I only grew up with my dad so he was my best friend. He was sooooooo funny. Seriously had a gift with comedy. He was the type of person that if he laughed you laughed. His laugh was contagious. He was always so generous with people and cared so deeply for others. Ugh I miss him.
Daddy its not fair that you're gone I will always need you and I will always be your little girl.
Please look out for me I need you ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I LOVE...
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DADDY PLEASE SHOW ME A SIGN. I NEED TO KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I NEED YOU WITH ME STILL. JUST BECAUSE YOU LEFT DOESNT MEAN I DONT NEED YOU. PLEASE SEND ME SIGNS EVERYDAY PLEASE LOOK OUT FOR ME PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME. YOU ARE IN MY HEART FOREVER AND ALWAYS. YOU WILL NEVERRRRRR LEAVE MY HEART. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH. JUST PLEASE SHOW ME SIGNS IN THE WORLD. I NEED PROOF YOU ARE STILL WITH ME
I MISS YOU
My 21 yr old grandson visited me 4 days before he committed suicide. Said he liked his job, had planned a trip with some college friends for a week, said he would call me next week. For days later he jumped off a bridge onto a busy highway! Why? Why? Even his Mother doesn’t know why! I can get it out of my thoughts. Can’t sleep can’t function. It’s so hard.
Even typing that was scary. I am posting this in the accomplishments forum because somehow I have made it three months on this earth without talking to my dad, hugging him, hearing his voice, laugh, or even just feeling his energy around me. While I can't say it has gotten any easier, if I could talk to myself three months ago on this day I would tell myself to breath. Just breath. The last 90 days has been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least. Sometimes I'm crying so much I am...
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This little broom has been hanging on the wall in my mud room for many years.
It caught my eye a little extra today, and with that came a memory.
It was my son’s when he was a toddler. You can tell from the worn bristles that he did lots of sweeping with it, but mostly, he did lots of marching with it.
He’d hold it like a baton, really tight and proud while marching circles around the dining room table. Up and down, the broom would go, in perfect sync with every step, while he loudly...
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Hi everyone. I hope today is going okay for you. Thank you for this forum
I’m nina. My brother Dan died by suicide two months ago and I’m just not as ready to rejoin society as I feel like I could be.
We weren’t talking very much the last year because his instability triggered and scared me… the fact that we were more or less estranged makes me feel unworthy to miss him.
But I had hopes that we’d be close one day. We’re the most similar of the four of us siblings… we love nature and...
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I couldn't sleep last night. I have been up since 2:30 and for a very silly reason.
My middle daughter said that she wants to go to Kings Dominion with her children tomorrow. I know how tired she has been lately. And I know that this was not her idea but her boyfriend's.
My hypervigilance is causing me to worry worry worry.
Silly silly silly.
I know we cannot go through life without anyone ever suffering any pain or inconvenience. But this is just part of the new me.
So breathing deep and...
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In four days the 11 month marker will be here for me since her departure, one month away from the dreaded one year.
I’ve become much better at remaining positive and reminding myself of the good things.
But today, I don’t feel like trying to cover it up. I don’t feel like saying something inspiring.
I want to see her again.
I want to see her beautiful smile. Hear her charming laugh, her Indian accent. See her beautiful blue green eyes. Converse with her as we did. Eat pizza or pasta...
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I am a six-year survivor and like all of you, the journey has been hellish. However, I am still here, and it is amazing what I have learned and how I have come so far on this journey. It led me to write and publish my own book. I felt like if God cared so much about me that he would talk to me and show me amazing things that began my healing, I knew I had to share it. I think the most important thing we have to learn is to get rid of guilt and blame because it will kill you slowly. I now...
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Three and a half months ago our 16 year old daughter took her life. She is the youngest of 6 children. The last thing we did was kiss her goodnight after she had come home from party. She had good naturedley shooed us out of her room with a "love you" it was such a shock to find her the next morning. We have had 5 girls and one boy, however we had experienced the loss of a nearly nine year old daughter 21 years ago who died of a sudden illness. We thought we had experienced the worst...
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Shortly we are going to present a college scholarship award to one graduating senior at the local H.S. to honor our daughter (in her memory).
We attend the ceremony and we go up on stage where the students and parents are in the audience. My H stands at a podium and speaks about the type of award we are giving and how it reflects Merri's gifts in a particular area as well some of her accomplishments in other creative outlets. She always found what she loved to do and was really good...
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Hello,
I lost my son Cody to suicide on February 15, 2023. Cody will forever be 26 and my only child. I lost my husband to cancer on July 24, 2021.
My world has been turned upside down. The pain, heartache, guilt, loneliness and despair is so deep.
My past, present and future all forever changed. I hope to connect with others to gain some hope on how to get through this wilderness we all have found others in. All my heart and love to all us survivors.
I was informed by my mom that her sister (my aunt) called my brother a coward for taking his life. My mom called my aunt to talk about how she easily cries since my brother died by suicide. My mom was looking for support not this tough love ignorant **. I feel very betrayed and for some reason really anxious. My brother did have a lot of things go bad in his life. Yes, he lost his job, his marriage ended, he had financial difficulties, etc., and it was all too much. Now he is not...
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I really need some support.. Is there anyone who fits in the unfortunate category of finding their child and is dealing with the trauma that ensued?
Especially as a single parent?
I am feeling so very alone like never before. Emersed in sadness .. why do I have to go through this physically alone? I know my circumstances are similar to many. But where are they? How do you find people when there are no support groups and everybody is wearing a mask to hide behind? And when I do the same...
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I went to my semiannual dentist appointment this week. I have to walk about a block from the parking lot to the building. I noticed a person busily working behind the brown delivery truck. The person was working hard moving and lifting boxes around. I try to compliment other individuals to boost them up as I am out and about. As I was walking by the delivery person busy working at the back of the brown truck, I said “You go girl.” The person turned around and looked right at me. Oh my...
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This year will be 5 years. 5!!! How is that even possible? I’m having a grief wave; a big one And while I understand it’s normal, it doesn’t make it easier.
So much is measured in 5’s. - 5, 10, 15, 20. Yes, I’ll get through this but I’m just a bit wrecked rn. You all understand that these days hurt and that the masks we wear can weigh heavily. I know I’m doing well in terms of surviving but today I’m not thriving.
It will pass but I feel like I am floating in the mire of my sadness. I...
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I have to admit I have been struggling lately with loneliness. I thought I had made a new friend.I guess I was wrong. I don’t know what happened. She will not follow up from two of my voicemail messages. I used to go walking with her once a week. Have you ever felt like something went wrong but you don’t know what it is? I did call her and left a message. I told her if I did something wrong or said something wrong that I am sorry. I will not bother her. I will probably run into her in a...
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Some of you may remember parts of my story. My husband is a first responder and was dispatched to the scene of my brother’s death. At the time I was about 8 months pregnant and he told me that he didn’t go into the garage where my brother was, that it was his captain who confirmed my brother was gone.
That’s the story I knew for the last 8 months. He confided in me last night that he only told me that to try to protect me. He did go in and see…that. My brother and my husband were close...
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Hi! I’m new here. I lost my friend J to suicide November 2022. I don’t know the exact date. We haven’t been in touch since 2019. He came across my mind so I decided to look him up on Facebook that’s how I found out about his passing in January 2023. We met on Instagram Fall 2014. We were kindred spirits. He was an Aquarius I’m a Libra. He was Puerto Rican. I’m part Jamaican. We connected and bonded through old school music. We were old souls and 6 years apart in age. There were feelings...
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It's almost 5 weeks since Jess' passing. Recently when I'm asked 'how are you' my response has been ' I've got good and not so good days' I now add, I'm solid and sad. Both are true.
My days are mixed, my emotions fluxate,
I'm in reality she's gone from human form, and she's on vacation and I'll see her at the next family gathering.
I'm dreaming of her more and talking with her. The last dream, she wanted to know there was a way out of her pain.
I saw an image of her final tattoo. It was...
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My heart just feels heavy tonight. Mother's Day has been in the back of my mind for several weeks. Right about now, I would have started our "dance" this week. I'd be calling my mom to invite her to lunch, only to be on the other end of a litany of reasons on why going out on Mother's Day wasn't a good idea - it's too expensive, all the restaurants will be really crowded, I'd have to drive too far or (fill in the blank). I'd insist until she conceded and promised to call in a few days to...
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It’s seven months today.
I’ve been working to remember “healthy Mom,” her life and love and energy and not focus on her death as much.
But today I woke up sad and tearful and guilty and horrified all over again.
One of the greatest moments of my life. I was so proud my son had chosen to follow into my profession of nursing and he chose me to pin him. What a wonderful honor. I was so proud of him and he was such a great nurse, respected and revered in his department. In fact the day of his funeral, they canceled all their appointments so everyone could come to his service and most of the physicians spoke and gave testimony to his honor. I love and miss my amazing sons.
Just not. Emotionally or mentally. I miss my sister. My niece told me the other day that she is super depressed. I can't imagine her pain. Today I asked to leave work early (which I have not done in months) to attend a survivors' group. I don't even know what to say. My niece texted me on my sister's anniversary ( I don't like to use the word anniversary for such a thing) and told me she had plans to go to the cemetery but she could not end up leaving her house. I texted her back...
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When Chris and I got engages on Sep 29th 2021, I was so excited about the ring we picked. It is beautiful. Being so beautiful and pure, I only wore it when I was out of the house. Then I started wearing in the house but when I was not cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Basically when I was watching TV.
Once we got married on Oct 11th, 2022, I applied the same rings off and rings on logic. I even told Chris that I want to keep them clean and protected from day to day wear and tear because they...
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Hi all...i lost my brother in law 2 weeks ago to suicide...he has been in my life 47 years...he was the brother i never had....i am just lost...this was so unexpected and still unbelievable, and devastating... he would NEVER hurt anyone...and no signs at all that he needed help...i know the why will never be answered and that sucks...im trying not to just help myself but my sister and my nieces...i have no idea how to help...i feel like i am not within my own body....just wanting to wake up...
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how could he do this? How can he have a normal conversation with me just 2 hours prior, make plans with me, he was supposed to go to NY the morning he took his life. How can he text me at 4 am saying "im sorry" that is it. no note, nothing else just that. it just does not make any sense. the guilt i had/have is everywhere, i knew he was struggling i tried my hardest to try and get him to get help.
how could he die in such a painful way, how could he do that? it hurts me thinking of him...
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Hello all - I could use some positives today. My husband of 47 years, my much loved D has been gone from me since January 12, 2023. Most days I feel like I can see more than a minute or two. Most days I feel pretty good about myself. Most days I can keep his pain and suffering in a safe place and touch it only sometimes. Most times I can see the positive affirmation "no one is to blame" on my bathroom mirror.
But last night I read "The Cup Analogy". That my love had a full cup that...
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After nearly 11 months of being on AOH, I just realized now that you can create polls. I wanted to do some research to see if there is a relationship between the visibility of a suicide victim’s struggle with depression and whether or not they left a note before they acted. My guess is that no, there isn’t any relationship between these two factors because mental illness is anything but concrete and no two people who struggle with these demons are exactly alike. But I am curious to see what...
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I am spending 10 days traveling across the country from Montana to Michigan and back.
I inherited some land in Michigan from my father. I will take care of some details while I am there that I have been putting off.
Along the way my friend and I are seeing some sites and do a little hiking, and bird watching. We are also visiting some of her family.
The first day we stopped at the Little Big Horn Battlefield memorial. Beautiful scenery, sun and wind and sobering.
Then traveling through...
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I feel like no one can say the right thing to me. You know the question “how are you”. Well I don’t know how to answer. I mean I’m ****, my husband killed himself, I’m trying to pick up the pieces so no I’m not doing good. I’m not fine, I’m not good, I hate what has happened to us. Then someone said they thought what my husband did was selfish, well there are times I think that but they can’t because it’s complicated. Then my daughter told me tonight that when she was out the other night...
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I really don’t understand why when I tried to get my husbands family to help me get help for me they didn’t believe me. So he was cohorts by them to stay at his moms where in 66 days he went from in his right mine to insigne and seeing himself hanging everywhere. To his Kim looking like a dead person to milking himself.
I was on a flight from California to Florida today. Watched 2 movies like I always do on the long flights.
WARNING. Do not watch. I looked at the summary of the movie and watched the trailer. No warning about the ending. I made it through but was tough.
Hugs to us all on this journey.
My name is kathleen my husband hung himself at his mom’s house 3/26/2023.. very shocking for me as he told me he would never act upon his thoughts. We have 3 kids together 19,17 and 13. This is probably the hardest thing I have gone through while trying to parent and work full time. My emotions are all over the place and I am trying to keep them under control for my children.
So, my amazing wife knows I’ve been having a very difficult time lately, but also knows there’s nothing she can really do to help.
When we stopped by the feed store this afternoon for chicken feed they had baby chicks. After watching me watch the chicks (it was so calming to my soul) she spontaneously stated, “we need some chicks. We’ve only got 10 hens, so we should make it an even dozen.”
So we welcomed Emilia and Bessie into our flock today & now I’m snuggling w/ my babies.
I’m 38 years old and lost my brother in October of 2019. Since then I have become someone that I don’t recognize. I am angry all the time. When I am “happy” somewhere inside of me goes right back to being angry. I have tried grief counseling and honestly didn’t find it helpful. My marriage is literally hanging in the balance. Well at work I have to maintain this “image” and when I’m home every little thing makes me yell, scream and just be mean. I was never like this until my brother took...
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This was his diagnosis when he was I found him trying to take pills and too him to hospital. They kept him for 3 days. Reading the reports now my heart is just crushed at the lies he told them. Mental illness and suicide seem to be the gifts that keep on giving for me. But if he really believed what he was telling them I know he was in bad shape mentally. I read all the reports and he told them a different story each day he was there. Worst thing is he told them that I threatened to...
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My 41 year old sister committed suicide on Thursday via gunshot. I’m a therapist myself and don’t understand why she didn’t reach out. She had a disability and was an alcoholic who dabbled in some diet pills. I just don’t understand and I feel numb, surreal and am afraid this will never end. For kickers I work with patients in a hospital system that have attempted or want to commit suicide. We talked several times a month and some times daily and life got super busy, we did the best we...
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It's been officially a month since my boyfriend took his life. Since then his sister, his friends and I been trying to figure out what lead him to take this decision and turns out he was a man of many secrets.
He told his family he was a lawyer at this big company, he told me he was the lead of hr at the same company, he told his friends his dad didn't like visitors...turns out all of this was a big ball of lies he made up to keep an image of what he thought we all wanted from him.
I'm...
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...the thing about siblings is very often they become one of your best, most cherished friends. A best friend..especially after going through such hard times together. Laughing our way through it.
So I miss my brother, who as a child I held the day he came home from the hospital, and my best friend who had the same sense of humor, same sweet tooth, similarly klutzy, same memories of so many precious years that no one else will ever know. He was so much fun, so sweet and thoughtful.
I...
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I feel like I could have prevented this . The signs where there his depression. I flee the relationship due to his depression and control now my heart is empty. I feel like I should have tried harder to get him help. I left to help myself and we were actually working things out however he took his life before I returned . I can't comprehend this pain regret guilt and I do blame myself.
Hi everyone,
Glad to share on here and for us to support each other.
My dad ended his life 3 days before Christmas. My stepmom called me and told me what happened, and I was in absolute shock. Afterwards, I cried harder than I ever have in my life. My mind kept trying to go back in time and tell him not to do it. Knowing I can't talk to him again is very painful....we had great conversations and a great relationship. I try to keep the cherished memories of him and the love we shared close...
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It is nearly 4 years to the day when my son took his life. The day that was the worst day of my life.
I did not know how I could survive losing my son and for most of the first year I hoped I would not wake up.
I knew I had to live for my other children and because I knew my son would want me to try and live my best life.
The first year was about surviving in a fog ; dealing with the horrendous pain and not thinking beyond the next 24 hours.
The second year was when it all became...
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Dear community members,
Thank you for welcoming me to your community and forum. I was recently hospitalized and my partner for almost two decades tragically died by suicide the day I was admitted to hospital.
I was her caregiver, devoted partner, and best friend, and in a way her life support. I am out of the hospital now and back home still recovering - we just had her funeral but I find it’s getting harder not easier.
She suffered everyday and I understand that it’s not possible to...
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Hello everyone. Unfortunately, I am a new member here. I lost my little brother ten days ago. He was only 33. He struggled for years with depression and suicidal thoughts. We tried so many times, all of my family, to get him the help he desperately needed but he succumbed to his own demons. Nothing can prepare yourself for this. And the guilt I feel as the eldest sister is overwhelming. I am so heartbroken for my brother and my family.
I just miss him so much. I was dreaming about him when I woke up this morning. I didn’t want to wake up because I knew when I did he wouldn’t be here.
My beautiful, wonderful, boy. My heart.
I recently had a job interview and as I was preparing for it (going through old material I’ve used to prepare for interviews), I realized how I’ve changed.
Characteristics I used to consider strengths aren’t nearly as strong now (being calendar oriented, ability to follow through, ability to get tasks done). Those characteristics still exist in me, but not nearly as much as they used to. And I don’t value them like I used to.
Now, I think I’m more sensitive and relationship focused. And I...
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I am a 72 yr old mother and grandmother. My oldest son took his own life 35 years ago this July. Most of the time I'm dealing with it - time has helped but every year as I approach the anniversary of his death I start feeling the grief again. I felt a need to find others who are experiencing the same.
I can’t sleep. Today I was at my son’s sport and for some reason i had this thought that we were at the event but my husband was at home. It all of a sudden felt so surreal. Like I kept thinking again over and over I can’t believe it. How did he do this. How did my husband shoot himself. Now I’m lying in bed and playing it over and over in my mind. Seeing all the images that I don’t want to see. Is it because I’m so overtired. I can’t switch off. I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I know it’s...
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I found this essay helpful. I also agree with the idea of asking why as long as you need to. But, in my opinion, no answer is ever enough.
I Had To Stop Asking Why
Hello everyone. Unfortunately, I am a new member . I lost my little brother ten days ago. He was only 33. Although we knew this day would come, this is not something you can prepare yourself for. My brother struggled for years and we all tried so hard to help him. I am so heartbroken and I miss him so much.
Hello my name is Sarah. It's been 9 years since my husband passed. It's still hard everyday. I have literally lived just surviving for 9 years. I need to learn how to life and not just survive
I didn’t even know where to put this, but this seems like an ok place. I feel absolutely terrible lately and I don’t completely understand why. I’m 2 years and 8 mos in and I have definitely felt better at times than I do right now. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced more loss recently, both tangible and otherwise. I feel like reality is setting in (again), the way it does when you start to come out of your initial “fog” and shock in the beginning. I’ve been angry for the first time too. I...
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I was really struggling to function this morning.When it was time for me to put my gear on & get to work all I wanted to do was was sit in my car and feel broken. Times like today this mask I keep putting on feels so heavy.
I know “it’s ok not to be ok” but it’s tough when every day I have to hide my “broken”. Clocking in for my shift & out of my emotions is becoming increasingly difficult. Grief never really clocks out.
Hi, I’m new to the forum. My daughter recently took her own life and I am hoping to find support from people who understand how I feel and hopefully, in time, be able to offer support to others.
Hello. My name is Ashly. I lost my mom to suicide on November 28, 2022. It’s definitely been a struggle dealing with all the different types of pain experiencing something like this has. I lost her the day after my birthday, when I turned 26. I feel like I’m at a point where I need my mom’s guidance the most. I never thought I would experience losing her so young. It’s hard, and there are days where I have no idea how I can ever get past something like this.
hi, i’m a 20 year old college student. Tragically on May 14, 2022 I lost one of my biggest supporters to suicide. My dad’s death is one of the most hardest battle I ever faced. Having to see my friends with their fathers and their emotional bonds. Not being able to say my last goodbye to him. Not having him there on my accomplishments. Not knowing what went wrong, overthinking everything. Looking in the mirror and seeing a piece of him.
that’s just some stuff i deal with without him here. I...
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We are having renovations done to the cabin since we sold our other house —Using a contractor I have used for three other jobs in the past. The first job he was in the middle of when Connor took his life. So my builder bore witness to my grief process after Connor’s death.
He had just finished up another job when Johnny took his life. My builder saw my Facebook post regarding Johnny‘s death and very kindly called me to express his condolences. He actually cried with me over the phone when...
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"They asked me if she was strong.
And I said yes.
I said yes without hesitation.
Because I’d seen her pick her heavy heart up off the floor,
even when it weighed a ton.
Because I’d watched her claw her way back from rock bottom,
even when it was a steep and treacherous climb.
Because I’d seen her lift herself up and drag herself through life,
even when she was tired and weary to her bones.
Because I’d watched her persevere, persist and press on even when
she was carrying the weight...
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About a month after Mitch did what he did, my pick puppy from our last litter together was surrendered back to me. I went and got him with a friend. I have evaluated him, had his health re-certified and a baby tooth pulled. He's a lovely boy but it wasn't a good fit in the first home we chose for him in spite of rigorous vetting of the family. I have grown quite attached to Nico. He is everything I would want in a dog. But I do not have the ability to provide him with what he needs...
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Picked up my first pictures of Jess. It's still unbelievable and heart breaking.
One month has passed. One month. The pictures are wonderful as the memories. It is also bittersweet.
Will the sorrow ever end? Nope but please soften.
My husband committed suicide almost 8 years ago. This forum was a lifeline for me in the months after he passed. It helped me heal and connect with others who were in various stages of grief. It provided a community of shared experiences that kept me grounded and provided me with a safe space to express my pain without judgment.
After stepping away over 7 years ago, I find myself returning for reasons I’m not even sure of. I just find myself struggling and feeling lost. I suppose I’m...
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This is as true today as it was for me 11 years ago. I soon realized that there is no escaping grief. You cannot go under, above or to the side of it. In order to get to through, you must be willing to go through. All the pain of doing exactly that, is merciless, it kills you from the inside out and for me, it felt like living in hell for quite some time. But doing just that : not ignoring the pain, brought me to a whole new life, something I didn't even dreamt about. Or rather, much more...
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While so much of what we confer about here has to deal with the trauma, the searing grief and horror of loss of a loved one by suicide, rage, 'explosive emotions', are as symptomatic as any of the other and in some ways can be more difficult to explain, or relate. Less 'acceptable' to others. However, as with the entirety of range of emotions that varies so much by person, so does this rage. Some feel it not at all, some feel it overwhelmingly, and many somewhere in the middle...
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My brother was acomplished, succesful, cheerful, reliable and funny. He was always laughing and "messing" with people in a non-mean way. When I first joined this forum, the sheer implication that he was perhaps depressed I found upsetting. The fact he took his own life felt and actively feels incomprehensible. However, its been 6 months and, like an idiot, I just learned about psicosis. I have no doubt in my mind that he had psicosis that day. He was talking in incoherent sentences and just...
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Yesterday, i spoke to my son in my heart and head. Asked him for a feather as it has been a while since the last one. I see feathers walking the park quite often, but I know in my heart they are not signs. Well today he delivered and said in your face mom.
I did not alter this feather at all. It literally was standing upright so there was no way I could have not seen it. I smiled, eyes watered and told him thank you so much. I love you and do more every day.
My beloved husband left on January 12, 2023. I am working through so much and am often finding help and tools and support and a path to move through a day. What I am starting to feel intensely is just missing him. Any moment when I stop I miss him, any moment when I do things I miss him, I wonder to myself how often I can say those words. Those are simple words. I had a failed relationship with a counselor my first try - I noticed it when after 6 session she asked if I could tell her...
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We had a ritual when one of our dogs went to the vet. We would stop and get them a hamburger. Ernest had to go several times a month to have tests done because of his addisons disease and me wanting him on a low dose protocol. This was one of those visits. I was so happy that day when the hamburger fell. We laughed all the way home. I miss him so much.
As happens, since electrical work on our house won't be done for quite a while, and keeping poor bunnies in a walk-in closet is too sad for words, family has been willing and able to take the bunnies in and everyone is much happier now.
While the bunnies and I bonded a bit more since moving into a much smaller space, it was beginning to feel more like I'd put them in solitary confinement and their affection were a result of Stockholm syndrome rather than ready affection.
Although I miss...
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My name is Litty and I lost my brother to mental illness. He was my baby brother I halfway raised.
I struggle with suicidal thoughts myself.
I am here to help others, get support, and make new friends.
Me and my partner's anniversary is tomorrow, and this is the first one where he's not here.
I want to honor our love - we had such a beautiful one. But I have so much pain to bear right now.
How do I honor our love when I feel abandoned?
How do I honor our love when I feel like his death is my fault?
How do I honor our love when I feel like his death is a reflection of not loving me enough/feeling confident enough in our relationship?
I want so badly to cherish our love, and I do in...
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An online friend told me that after her father had killed himself she was acting/feeling like I am now. I've had a lot of losses in 2 years ( friend, exs, etc) but the most significant was my sister killing herself and then my dad dying a month later from a heart attack.
Anyway, I just dont want to get mad at people, my friends especially, but i also dont feel comfortable talking about this with people I know for some reason idk. I'll just snap easily for seemingly no reason. I've been in...
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My son died by suicide on 1/27/2022. He was 25. We were extremely close, talking every single day. He lived at home with us and made it a point to ask how my day was going, and I asked him. We'd have long conversations about politics, history, and whatever else was going on in the world. He suffered through anxiety since he was a small child, something he got from me, so a lot of our talks were about dealing with anxiety and my helping him through whatever he was worried about. My son...
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It has been 14 months since my beloved brother took his life...worrying about him all the time and knowing he will attempt again and again was so hard...knowing he couldnt be stopped even after support...that was bad enough.Now i am preparing for the loss of my mum,she has been diagnosed with dimensia and the day she forgets who i am is the day i lose her too..its hard to live with..does anyone else have a similar situation or tips to help me cope?
There’s so much to say, i feel overwhelmed, so I’m just going to keep it as simple as I can. I lost my younger brother this past February 10th. He was 35. We lost our older sister 9 years ago to cancer when she was 34. They are my only siblings. We were all very close. My brother, my Bub, I miss him terribly. It is my worst nightmare come true. He battled with depression since he was 14 years old. He was diagnosed with Bipolar I a couple years ago. There were several scares over...
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Being alone hits particularly hard when you are sick and still have to take care of everything by yourself
A couple of co-workers were mentioning about Stephen Boss “tWitch” suicide and said, she has heard that people who died by suicide goes to Hell. Plus, she said it is illegal to try to kill your self. The other co-worker said it used to be illegal but not anymore. One said, it makes no sense when had everything going for him, how he could do such a thing.
These co-workers are aware that my husband took his own life…just shocking what people say to a survivor of a suicide loss. I...
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Hi everyone,
My sweet baby girl took her life 2 years ago coming this Friday. The grief waves are coming fast and hard these past few days. Last year I was off work but now I’m back and having a really hard time trying to manage it all. My heart is breaking for my twin boys who she adored. They keep saying they are ok, but are they? They just turned 15 and I worry so much. Last night our fire alarm went off in the middle of the night and while it was only a small issue, it was a flashback...
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I don' t trust it. I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen. How do I change this negative mindset?
Hello. I’m new to this forum and website. I lost my 25yo son June 2022 to his mental illness. I feel like he struggled with depression since high school but didn’t acknowledge it until the last year of his life. He struggled with a visual disability his entire life. Then his guide dog (who he noted was his only friend) was diagnosed with terminall cancer 2 months before my son ended his life. I feel he had many catalysts to this ending but her diagnosis pushed him over. I struggle with so...
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My name is Jen. I’m 41. I lost my first born son Sebastian.
I was 20 when I had him. We have grown up together. He was not an easy baby, teen, or adult. But I loved him with my whole heart. I would have flew to the moon to help him with his pain. Now I feel so lost.
I have 2 other children that are keeping me going. Along with a wonderful husband (he was step dad) but I still feel empty.
I found myself here this morning because I need someone to talk to who understands I think.
I live in...
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Hi. I have just joined this group today. Last fall, we lost a loved one (my 20-something year old niece) to suicide. Very, very difficult time for the entire family as all here can understand. She had been suffering from mental illness in the past couple of years and it was too much for her to handle. There is a memorial being planned for her in June. My niece was not religious, more spiritual, and like to celebrate the seasons/nature in the manner of more of "pagan" type of rituals for...
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I am really struggling today. Dogs won't listen, I'm yelling which I never do with the dogs. I am frustrated beyond belief. Couldn't get out of the car for church for 20 min, when I got inside I couldn't go into the sanctuary. Barely made it in for communion and then just walked out and left. I'm alone and I've never been alone. I have no one to talk to because they clearly don't want to deal with me in this state. I don't want to be here. My entire life has been stolen from me. I...
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My brother had an infectious laugh. Obnoxious at times because his cackle would resonate through the walls of any space and if you were within earshot, you weren‘t safe from it. you’d succumb to the hilarity within seconds.
my husband and brother used to work together. Tom got my brother a job shortly after he and his family moved here after leaving the Marine Corps. Last night a song came on and my husband started laughing to himself, a huge smile reaching from end to end. clearly a memory...
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I lost the love of my life to suicide two weeks ago, to say I was clueless to his mental struggles is an understatement; I’ve been struggling so much and have this feeling of emptiness and can’t concentrate; I took a week off work as I was unable to property function - i can’t sleep; and everytime I dream is only situations where I am in constant anguish; I didn’t discover “him” physically; however I was the one that alerted his family that he wasn’t responding to and waited for the police...
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I'm seeking referrals for a therapist trained in suicide survivor counseling. Location is Palm Beach County, Florida (Wellington)
Thank you.
Just came from coffee with five friends who I used to walk and have coffee with on Sunday mornings. Since Jason died three years ago, the more time that passed the more I just couldn’t do it!! I get anxious and irritated about the focus of conversation. Their kids, spouses, plans for concerts, restaurants, recipes, etc. I can’t do crowds now so no concerts for me. Can’t do music yet. Can’t concentrate long enough to listen to much about anything. I am changed. I can’t help it. They don’t...
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So it seems that my husband was consistently telling lies about who I am and what we were as a couple over the years. As if the note he left putting the responsiblity of his sole decision to end his life on me was not bad enough, I've learned about what he was telling medical professionals for the last few years. Now I understand why when I went to the dr his attitude seem to have changed. My friends have started pulling away as well but I'm sure it's because being around me has to be...
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Since this forum includes life after life topics I thought I would share some thoughts as I think about this much more since the loss of my daughter.
I always thought about our existence after we passed away since I was young. What happens to us, do we keep existing and all the usual questions we have as death happens to all of us but nobody alive can every know what really happens. I have always believed we move to another phase of our existence. Maybe this is just not wanting to...
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We are coming up on our 2-year anniversary of Helena's transformation.
I cannot believe that we have lived this long without her.
How very very strange. She left us in October on the 28th day of 2019 to start her adventure in Los Angeles. How can it be that we will not see her physical form again?
But this morning, I am feeling a sense of calm and steadiness that I never would have believed possible, even after sitting here and reading several pages of her journal.
Sometimes we have a good...
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Hello everyone. on 3/19 at 731PM I lost the person who was my everything when he took his life at our home at 50 years old. I think I have been in some kind of shock/proctective barrier because though the first week is a total blur, I seem to have been somewhat able to function. However, in the last two days, I have had an extraordinary hard time in keeping it together, I cry and have been having really awful thoughts reliving the moments. I dont really know where to turn I do see a...
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I haven’t posted in a while mostly because I’ve been trying to deal with a secondary trauma to my brother’s death. So basically the short version is my husband and I have been having A LOT of problems since my brother died. I think it’s mostly due to us being disconnected from one another. Not intentionally, but for my part I’ve just been walking around this planet for almost 8 months now like I’m completely lost. Doesn’t make me a great partner, I know. Anyone else experience marital...
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I could use some advice right now. I lost my partner in December, and obviously am still very heavily grieving from that. Every time I talk to one of my close friends, she tends to bring up her desire to find love/not be single anymore. I wish I could be more supportive of her, but I honestly find it upsetting and triggering to hear and don't really want to talk about that because it reminds me of everything I've lost. Should I express this to her? Am I failing to support her/being a bad...
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My son’s best (longest) childhood friend is getting married in July. I knew this would come, it just happened so fast. It hit me hard. The boy she chose bears a passing resemblance to my beautiful son. Something in the shared Nordic background, I guess. So hard to see. So wonderful to see.
My daughter chose a college this week. My son never got to go.
Soon, I will attend my daughter’s high school graduation from the same small school. That was the last milestone event we ever had with...
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I'm am completely out of control with my emotions. I want to join her. I'm so angry with her and I feel guilty for being mad.
Some of you may remember me, some not. My 31 year old son left this earth in January 2109. It has been over 4 years, just shy of receiving his ashes at end of May 2019. Honestly, for the first two years, I thought I was okay. But, now my grief is in big-time rebound and it has really sunk in. I don't understand. Situation is: I can't see my three tender grand-girls because I have to give the older brother space to raise the grand-girls. They know their father's younger brother is...
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I have so much that I could say…..but here are just a few. My son was suffering from depression and anxiety……he was also ADD and was taking medication for that. He took his own life at the age of 18. He was attending college, doing well there….he did not drink or take any drugs. It has been 3 years now and my heart is still so broken!
I'm am seeking support , my wife died of suicide earlier in the week, and I'm having so much guilt and it's so complicated, I'm just lost. Looking for support
Hello all. My partner has now been gone for about 18 months and I am entering a phase that I do not like.
I have suddenly stopped FEELING anything in relation for my lost (barring a few tears the other day) and this is excruciatingly difficult to get my head around. It makes me feel and think that I no longer care but I do. It's just that I feel numb - if one can FEEL numb! This makes me experience a profound sense of emptiness and takes my thoughts to a new level of...
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Hello, I lost my husband to suicide last July. We had been married for 17 years. I was 19 when we got married and I thought I was going to spend most of my life with my person. We had just bought our first house together in May and we have a 7 year old and 4 year old. My whole life turned upside down. My heart is so broken. I’ve been experiencing horrible fatigue in the last month and I’m trying to prepare for a 5k in his memory, but I guess I’ll have to just accept where I’m at this year...
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My son stopped aging at 20. My only other child just turned 21. The wrongness never ends and the pockets of new grief never stop surprising me. I miss him even as I celebrate my little survivor.
Since losing my younger brother to suicide about 7 months ago I've come to recognize the degree to which I've been suffering from a 'survivors guilt' for many years, but most especially now.
Given he was much younger than I when the trauma, neglect and abuse in our family first began I'd always felt guilty about it. He was just a sweet young little boy when the abuse and neglect began. And I could do nothing to stop what happened, or fix the results later on, though I'd taken it upon...
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I just lost my wife earlier this week to suicide. She was severely depressed and had an alcohol addiction that fueled the depression. I'm still searching for answers. Our marriage was not in good shape and the last 3 years have been extremely painful and hard. I have so much guilt right now, I know everyone will say it's not my fault, but I know some of my actions or what I've said caused it. I'm just really struggling.
Tonight while browsing YouTube a grieving mother’s story of suicide loss popped up in my suggested videos. I clicked it and I am so glad I did.
The girl’s story is obviously tragic. She was her mother’s youngest daughter and had made three total attempts in the span of one year. I could feel the mother’s anguish. Yet, the end was very powerful and informative. She gave some important tips for dealing with troubled people. I was thinking that this video could save lives, and in reading some...
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Your special day Alex. You would be 21 now.
What would you be like now? All that you could have done I can only dream about now. Our path in life, with you, ended far too soon. It breaks me every waking moment. You had so much to offer the world. I miss you so much.
Sadness is always in the shadows when there are moments of happiness, because you my beautiful, kind, and loving son are no longer here.
You were an old soul. You felt the world in a way few others do. I saw it, but I did...
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You know, I’m always reminded that this experience is an on-going journey. Time has no meaning to it in terms of how long it’s been since you’ve been without the person. The heart has no concept of time, only that it’s missing a piece of itself. When I’m faced with waves of grief it always brings up the other wounded parts of myself, which is something I don’t particularly enjoy. I mean, who would? It makes it hard to sift through the emotions because it can all get so murky and convoluted...
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Hi everyone,
I have stumbled across this website by searching for bereavement groups near me. My dad took his life last March on the 24th after 12 years of depression. Since then, I have felt chronic and severe guilt (for not noticing the signs), heartbreak, anger, sadness.. as many of you probably know. The details of the loss and the day I found out absolutely consume me. The coroner called my sister and I, both under 30, who had the duty of informing the rest of the family. I am not sure...
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Coming up on ten years since Adam took his own life. He broke my heart and shattered my soul.
luckily I am retired and can now focus on taking care of myself in mind, body and soul.
occasionally we survivors talk about anger. And even after ten years I’m surprised when I get ugly bouts of anger like yesterday.
the good … I can journal and vent with my AOH friends and get understanding. I have two other wonderful sons, a DIL and granddaughter. I was able to retire early and move to the...
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I am new to this group. I lost my son on 8/30/2020. Forever all our lives forever changed. Jack was 12 days from his 22 birthday….he left behind his parents, his younger brother and many family and friends. I have been getting traditional counseling since his death, but am new to peer groups. I miss Jack- we all do. Thank you for reading.
I had a session with my counsellor today and she said that for me to go forward for myself and for my children I need to forgive myself. I want to, I really do but those thoughts of guilt are still lingering. How do I let those feelings go. She talked to me about this was about him and his mental health. She said that he didn’t want me to know the depth of it but when you’re with someone for 27 years shouldn’t I have known. Shouldn’t he have told me. Was I not understanding enough. Did I...
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So, I am one of those people who hate their birthday, and today is that day.
Its been 6 months now since my brother died, its been terrible I might add. Its an ongoing nightmare.
I invited his friends over today because his friends talk like him, have the same humour, say the same phrases and have similar mannerisms. I think with my mom, me and them all together in the same room you can "put together the pieces and get my brother back". And that is both heart warming and disastrous.
We...
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when you all get a chance, please listen to this song. I had nearly forgotten it was on my playlist but it popped up on a morning where my brother is on my mind more than usual. Thank you for this, bubba…I needed it. Love and miss you forever…
‘If Ever’ by Paula Fuga
If ever, if ever I could see you again, mm-hmm
If ever, if ever I could see you again, mm-hmm
Won't you take me back to where we used to play?
Hang on every word, hang on every moment
I know you're in between now and I know...
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nothing lasts forever
let that be the reason you stay
even this twisted misery
will not last
-rupi kaur
I have had anxiety for years. There are things I haven't done alone for years. Grocery store, post office, places where there are a lot of people. So when he did what he did it threw me into a tailspin. I have managed grocery shopping by shopping VERY EARLY in the morning or using online and pick up. But I needed to go to Ingles Market to pay for the food for the memorial. I tried several times and would end up breaking down before I could even open the door. Today I made my 4th...
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Today, I read something from a suicide survivor Facebook group I belong to. The member said, it's possible to feel grief and joy at the same time. She also lost her loved one due to suicide 5 months ago. Next Friday, makes 5 months since my mom took her life. I miss her tremendously and still cry often, but I am experiencing moments of joy along with the grief. Honestly, I'm blown away by this. I did not expect to experience anything close to joy, let alone peace. But I do. And along with...
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I think I have been bitten by the cleaning bug. I cleaned out my linen closet, and sink vanity in my main bathroom. I threw away bed sheets that had some old stains and tears in the fabric. I actually found an old Waterpik tucked away in the closet.
I started to notice the bottom of the baseboard had a glisten to it in the linen closet. I had recently mopped the floor. I thought maybe the floor had not dried enough yet. I went back later in the day and noticed the floor was wet. I removed...
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my niece took her own life 6 months ago. she was 19. this came as an extreme and sudden shock to all of her family and friends.
My boy that crossed over on a Thursday was always mesmerized by owls. He wanted one for the longest time but of course to that request was always a forceful No! He never did stop asking and even as a young man, he turned 26 in January, he was still just so intrigued by them.
My husband and I stayed with my daughter, as we live in another state, so we could be close by to my ex-husband so we could go through the process of making arrangements, etc... Anyway, the following Thursday morning I...
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I am new to the group and just looking for support to get me through this awful road I am walking. I lost my 37 year old son on August 24th, 2022 and my life will never be the same. My heart is so broken, I don’t know how to move forward.
Good afternoon all,
I lost my son, Nick, on March 16 to suicide…just came out of the 1 month anniversary this past weekend…very hard! I found AOH a few days after he completed but just joined the forum today. I have read all the blogs on the website. Even though it’s only been a month, I found comfort in all of the blogs and comments. There is hope to be found in this awful journey. I’m still in shock and wish this nightmare would stop, asking why, having guilt and regrets on how I...
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Nick was the best baby! As he grew, he turned into a sensitive kid that loved family. He liked knowing how everyone was connected. He loved going through family photos at his Dema's (my Mom) and Nana's (his Dad's Mom) houses.
Early in school, he liked to play baseball...we spent many evenings and weekends at the fields for practice or games. The older he got the more into gaming he was...like any other teenage boy!
While in high school, he was interested in playing guitar so off we went to...
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I was drinking and she was and I said horrible things as mean drunk alcoholics do, and I can't stop blaming myself
The premise of this opinion piece by Loren A. Olsen MD in Psychology Today is that despite all of the suicide prevention campaign efforts, no one can predict which individuals might die by suicide.
I am sharing this with my forum friends because I rarely see this perspective shared publicly, especially by someone in the medical community. While it is a terribly sad reality that we cannot prevent suicide in many cases, I hope this perspective brings some sort of validation to...
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I had previously stated that this past Saturday was aaron's 4 months and my college formal in this post
Overall i had a great time, dancing and singing with my friends.
but the last 20 min or so it went down hill. they played this song, and it had previously made me cry 2 ish moths ago. but they played it and i was dancing with my friend and she noticed a change in me i guess.
we got off the dance floor and i immediately started sobbing.
i just was pouring, she was holding me. my...
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I am Beth. My brother took his life march 23. My mom and I are trying to get through and it hasn’t been easy. I have to fly out of state this weekend to clean out his apartment and I’m dreading the emotional toll it will take in me.
I was in so much shock when my husband died that I let that emotion control my actions that I got rid of all our pictures and anything else that reminded me of him. How could I do that?
April 12, 2020 our beautiful baby grandson died in his sleep and then April 20, 2020 my beautiful, fantastic daughter in law died by suicicde from the pain of losing her son. Today I worked in the garden I planted for them. The cherry tree has its first blooms ever this year. It is lovely; I only wish they could be here to see it. Some days are hard.
I sent my husband to meet our son for a guys' golf weekend to take their minds off of everything. I worry about my son; he loved his...
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My mother committed suicide last week She was 75 and I am thankful we had so much time with her. But over the last two years she started to break down mentally. She was in and out of acute psych 4 different times. We tried to help her, but we couldn’t get her the help she needed. We are all in shock she toook her own life, she was so strong for so long, it we couldn’t get her over her demons
I am really missing the unconditional love and advice while transitioning through some rought times I am going through.
Right now I wish I could hear the words she would always say to me, "Robert, your doing what you WE need to do to be where WE need to be"................and that was all I needed from her to push through anything in our way. In the last few weeks I keep thinking about the past and how it used to be and wish I was there in those moments just hitting the...
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9,528km - that’s the distance that was in between me and my family when I got the news.
I don’t think any of us ever forget that moment. I know that my brother (31) wanted me (28) to hear it from him - but I actually learned what had happened from the secretary of my school. Which is bizarre because till this day I don’t think she is aware of it or knows what had actually happened.
I was in the classroom when she popped in her head at the start of a 5min break.
She indicated me to...
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I lost my wife 4 years ago and have two boys, now 10 and 12. My wife had a genetic anomaly (linked to epilepsy, ASD, schizophrenia, etc.) that is present in both boys. Neither kid knows about their genetics or hers and I fear ever telling them out of a concern they will conclude they are somehow flawed like their mom and that the knowledge and identification with her will increase their suicide risk. My eldest already displays traits that remind me so strongly of her mental health...
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I lost my husband to suicide a year ago. My beloved dog Max is now nearing his end. He is seventeen and he’s now deaf and blind. He has lymphoma and his poor back legs will now barely hold him up. I was told by a psychic that he could ‘see’ my late husband. I believe this because he lies on the floor with his eyes open and often wags his tail. It is breaking my heart to see him struggling. He is still eating but his quality of life has deteriorated. This now feels like a double whammy in...
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Hi. I'm an OT that works with both psychiatric and neurodevelopmemtal conditions for adults and children. I get triggered by people talking about suicidal thoughts now. I have gone back to work at 4 days a week. I really feel guilty about less hours. My dad died on 4 Feb thia year. I still get regular moments of shock that it's real. My sleep is terrible. I have to decide of I will go back to full time on 1 April. Right now, O feel like it will be too soon.
Many of you wonderful people out there who have read my posts and are aware of my journey know that powerlifting has been a key component on my path to peace and acceptance. My recent injury prompted a lot of soul searching in the quietest hours of the night and it’s led me to the decision that I no longer want to compete. Here’s the thing-I never played sports growing up, and I was never competitive. I never had that mentality of pushing through injury for the sake of the sport and...
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Just after I spoke with Brian yesterday I found this on the bathroom floor. Yes, I am always separating these jumbo cotton balls for various things and somehow (OK, me), they like to miss the trash can or the pieces I save don't like to stay on the shelf. Too much info, anyway, I don't know how this ended up looking like a heart. I was amazed. I hoped it was him. I am also posting a pic I posted last fall of a green leaf I came across walking near work. Shaped like a heart.
This...
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I would be lying if I said I was ok the past few days. When Mitch died I thought I would want to keep him with me, that changed at some point. I think it was after I had digested his note. Anyway I started looking for a place to keep him. Not cost effective at all in my current situation. Then I started thinking about what place gave him the most purpose and the most peace. Church. We only just finished building our Sanctuary last year and the property is beautiful. My friend...
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Forewarning: the following post may serve a trigger or be upsetting in some way.
In my line of work I'm familiar with DSM-5 and ICD-10.
DSM-5 is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is a reference book on mental health and brain-related conditions and disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (APA). The ICD-10 is the International Classification of Diseases used by physicians to classify and code all diagnoses, symptoms and procedures for claims processing...
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I paid my taxes. And paid a lot. I hate the IRS.
I reviewed our HOA bylaws as a committee wants to update them. There is a reason HOAs have a bad rep.
As a reward for being a good citizen and participating in these things I bought myself flowers.
and I have plans to meet up with old work friends for lunch.
again taking credit for small successes and doing something nice for myself.
hoping everyone is taking care of themselves too.
Since my 16 year old son (and only child) died nearly 6 years ago, I've always liked the memorial tattoos that folks get. But I'm not a tattoo person. If I was, I thought I'd get my son's signature or a message of love from him.
Recently, I discovered handwriting jewelry. I was able to have a handwriting necklace and bracelet made. One has his teenage writing and one has his handwriting as a younger child. It made me cry to see his precious handwriting and blessed to be able to wear...
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It's Buttercup's birthday today, and also my husband's and my wedding anniversary. We thought it was so auspicious that Buttercup was born on that same day, and how fortunate we were to have such a beautiful baby girl come to us to be part of our family. And it truly was wonderful to have her be with us for as long as she was able to stay. Life took her in another and final direction we could never have anticipated, and she flew away into the Light, before we were ready to let her go. We...
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Sometimes it is just so hard. I don’t want to do life without him. I miss him. I want to turn the clock back. I want him back so much my heart aches. This is so unfair. I just don’t want to do life without him. I know I have to but it sucks.
Sitting in quiet reflection, I realized becoming comfortable and familiar with empty is part of healing with the loss of my daughter.
When ppl have said there is a connection between parent and child, I knew this to be true, now I experience on a deeper level what ppl were/are talking about.
I struggle with this everyday and more so now that I'm part of this community and read people's stories and how much they miss their spouse. Do I have the right to miss my husband? It's not like we were happily married and he ended his life. I did love my husband so much even with our problems. the days he is wearing heavy on my heart I try to push down the grieving, crying, hurting because I think I don't I have the right to these emotions since I left our marriage
This might be controversial, and accept this is my opinion but I need to share my thoughts.
Toxic positivity is the pressure only to display positive emotions, suppressing any negative emotions, feelings, reactions, or experiences. It invalidates human experience and can lead to trauma, isolation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
This is how the stigma around mental health continues to harm our loved ones.
Just do better they say, just use your mind to be more positive they say. Do they...
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I lost my husband of 25 years to suicide 3 yrs ago along with 4 other deaths in a year and a half. I have been able to process the loss of my other family members but the loss and suicide of my husband I keep tucking it away. He died Jan 22 2020, the Oct before he tried and almost succeeded. He called my daughter to call 911 and was in ICU for a week. My daughter never left the hospital. He was never really the same after that. He was mentally abusive to me, would threaten suicide...
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"I see that you are going
through a rough time.
We have all known
such times,
when the sky and ground
were turned around,
no moon to guide us
through the dark wood.
I see how bravely you take
one step after the other,
and I hold my lantern high,
here at the edge of the forest.
I am your witness.
I am your friend.
The journey is yours alone,
but you are not alone."
~ Storypeople
First one: ‘oh, well. You have your friends.’ Stupid woman. She had two kids.
Number two: ‘You have to compartmentalize and put your son in there.’
What?? I had no response to number one. For number two I told her my compartment for my son is my heart and he will always be with me. That’s it. I just had to vent. You get it. Thanks. Hugs to all.
About 4 weeks ago, I got hurt while training. I ended up pinching a nerve in my neck and have been dealing with the pain ever since. I finally started physical therapy this week which has helped immensely. Obviously, I’ve been told to back off on the hardcore stuff as it heals and trying to stay active has been hard because the pain can be difficult to manage. I started questioning my future as a competitive powerlifter. So many doubts, so many questions, so many moments where I so...
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It is hard to understand that aaron has been gone for 4 months. i miss him so much.
this saturday is also my college's spring formal. before aaron passed he picked out a dress for me to wear for us to go on a date. i decided to wear that dress to the formal. we were actually discussing that date the night he passed away.
i am so scared for everything. my thoughts about it all. i just wish he was still here, i miss the connection, the intimacy, the love. i miss it all. his smile, his...
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Hi all,
So recently another good friend of mine confided in me that she, on numerous occasions over a short period of time, came extremely close to make genuine attempts at her life.
I feel extremely bad for her. She has certainly been dealt some difficult cards in life; her mother is verbally abusive and neither of her parents were supportive growing up. She was brought up by her grandparents. She has dealt with truckloads of medical issues on a constant basis. She is married to another...
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I cant cope anymore.I need to see doctor and take some antidepressants.Do you have expirience with them and did they helped you?
I just cant get out of bed and every day is hell.
Writing, talking, listening to music, and reading helps.
Writing about the pain, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and any other feelings that come up helps.
Talking to people who genuinely care to hear about memories, emotions, hopes, fears, and everything in between about him helps.
Listening to music that reminds me of him helps. Listening to music about pain, heartache, resiliency, hope, and love helps.
Reading about other people's experiences with loss and what helped them get...
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For anyone who doesn’t know, Lewis Capaldi is an amazing emotional singer. He wrote a song about his aunt who died by suicide when he was a little kid called Before You Go.
He now has a Netflix Documentary called Lewis Capaldi: How I’m Feeling Now. All the reviews I am seeing call it emotional and I concur. I thought I would sit down and watch half but that turned out not to be realistic. It was hard to watch because it was hard to watch him struggle so much with his mental...
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I wanted to share a thought I had about a post I’ve seen shared on social media several times. There are probably some of you that are familiar with it.
The post shares an image of a long line of people standing in what looks like a field, with a forest far in the background. The person at the front of the line is floating up towards white clouds, which is clearly the person passing on from this planet and going to the afterlife. The text in the post goes something like this:
Though we...
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I(27) just lost my dad to suicide today. I don't know how to deal with it and I'm so lost. How does anyone make sense of the best and most important man in your life doing something like this?
I really need some kind of support and someone to help make sense of this. If anyone is comfortable and would like to listen I really need help. I miss him so much.
He was the best dad in the world and made all of us kids so happy.
Hi everyone
On March 29, 2023 I lost my boyfriend Valentino due to suicide. He knew how to make people special and he always wanted to go back to his country to live a simple life which I told him "let's do it! As long as we're together".
I'm so angry at him for leaving when we were working on our future, I'm sad because I won't be able to feel his hugs, his smile, our late talks....I just have so many questions and I can't stop thinking "what if" over and over. Is it normal to feel like a...
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My 16 year old son died by suicide in his room August 2022, while the rest of us were sleeping. My husband and 14 year old daughter found him in the morning when his alarm for school kept on going. I was already at work, and only got home once the detectives and ambulance personnel were already there. I will forever be grateful and guilty that I was not the one to find my son and that I was spared that extra trauma. He was laid out and covered with a blanket when the detectives let me go in...
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I lost my husband to suicide on Feb. 6. No one saw it coming. He was always upbeat and positive. It makes me question if I ever really knew him. He has left a heartbroken family. His adult children are 1000 miles away from me; my adult children live as many miles away from me; I lost my mother 5 months ago and my only sibling has moved far away. I am left alone and trying to cope on my own. I realize how unhealthy this is. So, I am trying to attempt to begin healing. Thank you for letting...
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Hello all, just wanted to share today. I woke up at 3 am on the dot this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. The instant my eyes opened I knew it was our anniversary. I tried not to nap yesterday after work because I didn’t want to have trouble sleeping and be awake after midnight alone. I guess so much for that.
I want to do something special for today for us but I have no ideas yet on what that would be. One thing I want to do is pick out one of his pictures to add here so at least...
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Before my brother died our relationship wasn't too great. Our relationship consisted on him, my big brother, coming to where I was at to annoy the hell out of me, steal my things, make fun of me, and then I used to be angry and I would ask him to leave me alone. We never talked about anything in particular, either we watched movies and laugh or he woud yell at me that Im not doing anything with my life. And he was/ is entirely correct. Ever since my dad died I've done nothing with my life...
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Hello. I am the big sister of a girl who took her life almost 6 years ago to the date. I am 31, and a resident eye doctor. She killed herself the spring before I left for grad school. Every year around this time I get horrible flashbacks and crippling grief. I’m married now with a great support system, mom and dad both still together and they’ve gone through hell and back. A surviving younger brother and sister. I still feel like I need to protect them being the oldest. Extremely hard going...
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Forgive me for posting this in the Mental Illness section, rather than the Addictions section, but I swear I have a point for doing so.
I continually draw parallels to mental illness and alcoholism because they are both preexisting conditions that can only be managed, not cured. They also both require the individual to dig deep and do what they need to do to get through each day without succumbing to their demons. I also happen to be an alcoholic myself, so this is part of my understanding...
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I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years ,
he isn’t someone who cries ,
Maybe twice in all that time we’ve been together, he has a huge heart he just didn’t ever cry .
Or I should say wasn’t up until recently,
I don’t know how to react or if I should be worried!
It’s been almost a year since we lost our eldest son damian to suicide.
My husband initially ended up in hospital twice with blood pressure stress responses to the grief in the first weeks afterwards,
he had previously...
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Hi. I am new to the forum and AOH. I found this organization as I was looking for a way to honor my brother who died by suicide 3 years ago.
As I read these posts from those so fresh with the overwhelming impact death by suicide brings, my heart remembers. I recall getting the news and feeling like it couldn't possibly be true. Then I talked to my mom; her voice filled with something I hadn't heard before: shock, disbelief and gut-wrenching pain. I traveled to her house as quickly as I...
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My husband died November last year. I applied for a job two months before his death. I interviewed 5 days after. I had been waiting for this opportunity. I thought it would help me in someway. But I find myself crying in my office and unable to concentrate. I'm not sure what to do. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I've been missing work and thinking of quitting.
My husband's death was not the worse thing that happened to me. The pain continued when I found out there was more to my...
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It’s been 20 and a half months since we lost our baby G. It took until now for me to realize that throughout G’s life her mission was to help others in need. We set up a charity in her name to benefit the mental, emotional and physical wellbeing of underprivileged children and veterans. It helps us to continue her life of sacrifice and charitable giving in her way too short life.
But what I realized today in an “ah ha” moment was the sadness that her family and friends have every day...
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haven’t even been able to post here lately due to the quicksand I’ve been in - next month will be one year ( Memorial Day weekend). I realized about two weeks ago that I’m in some sort of weird place as the anniversary approaches . Sort of a panicky feeling like something is going to happen , but it’s already happened hast it ? This is really terrible - my kids are going through it as well .
Now that the nice weather is here I’m mentally reliving the last 6 weeks of his life , thinking...
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I've been having suicidal ideations since my son died three years ago. I fight it off, but I've been protecting my family from knowing. At the risk of worrying them, should I let them know I need looking after?
Hello
I lost my 30 year d daughter to suicide on 2 December 2022. My heart is aching so much
Unfortunately, we have a huge loss in our family. The hole on my heart aches. I had no idea this was a possibility. I would’ve never guessed. Here I am today, a proud aunt. So many moments of the day I feel down and sad—at night also. There are also many moments of laughter and joy as we remember the memories. A life that was used to encourage, love, and protect. I believe life doesn’t end when life stops on earth. I can’t see the new and restored life, but my faith helps me feel your new...
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I would like to share something that I saved from an e-mail in 2017:
Understanding Hindsight Bias in Grief
People have a natural tendency to sift through the ashes of tragedy in search of explanations. To quote Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl, “Man’s main concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain but rather to see a meaning in his life.”
The search for sense in the seemingly senseless is one of the most valuable, and instinctual, coping skills a...
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Some days I amaze myself. I read the posts of newer members to the forum and my heart breaks for all of our losses, grief, and heartache. And I think about how I’m coming up on the 10th anniversary of my Adam’s suicide and my life as a survivor. It hasn’t been easy. The early years are memories of intense pain and struggle. And now here I am, carrying on, living life with a hole in my heart, being strong for my surviving sons, trying to support others who are new to the hell we are forced to...
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99.9% of the people that knew either Mitch, myself or us as a couple did not know about what he struggled with for years. The people who did know us as a couple knew the great love there was between us. Midway though our 28 years together Mitch started dealing with a darkness inside himself. He did not hide this darkness from me and most of the time I was the target of this darkness. The darkness would ebb and flow at different times, but the joy and happiness was always more abundant...
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Finding the courage to reach out to others who might understand has literally taken me years and I panicked on my first kind of attempt.. When someone reached out via phone to talk about my experience, the realization ended up hitting me of saying his name again and I honestly flipped out with anxiety & ended up changing my number.. I hope that even though my loss occurred in 2015, that this is an okay place for me becauce it's taken for all this time to face & open up about my loss. I'm not...
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Ben was 30
Don was 29 (4 day before he turned 30)
They were born 967 days apart
They left 891 days apart
It has been 1106 days since Ben left
It has been 216 days since Don left.
Until I put all that down on paper this morning it keep playing in my mind.
I will be moving in 20 day's. From the state we were all born & raised in and my boys left from.
So many numbers just bouncing around my head today.
I honestly don’t know how to do this! I don’t know how to do life and I don’t know how to do this forum
Old conversations. Circling in my mind. Relentlessly.
Im weeding around Connor’s tree. Where half of his ashes are. Where I go commune with him.
Remembering a day when Johnny and I were sitting under this tree together. Spending time with Connor. The three of us. On separate dimensions.
I made a comment about how many seasons of change would I see before I could see Connor again.
Johnny became upset with me. “Why can’t you live in the present? Why can’t you enjoy this moment? Why can’t...
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I had a pretty big week this past week. My anxiety is pretty high the last few days and normally it would lead to panic..... but not today.
My daughter had to go into work today and I was blessed and reminded with one of the greatest things in my life I am thankful for, My granddaughter Clementine is spending the day with me.
Wishing strength and courage to everyone here to find your inner peace.
I don't know if this is the correct place to post this. Please move if it's not. How do I help his siblings? They are all struggling in different ways but struggling badly right now. His sister is off work on stress for the last few weeks and has started antidepressants. She's due to go back to work on Tuesday but dreading it because her boss reacted badly when she gave her the sick notes. My son who lives abroad has told his girlfriend that he doesn't enjoy anything or feel happy...
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I’m a big reader here, yet a very little post-er. But I would love if y’all helped me wish Cam a happy birthday today!!
My boy left this earth when he was 24 on 12/5/21. I’m doing my best to celebrate him positively today as he would be 26. (Love you to the moon, Cam!… to the moon!)
Hello
This is my first post
I have just lost my son to suicide
I am in so much emotional pain and am trying to find a way to work through it
Greiving mother
I know it’s not intentional, but when I tell someone what happened, they look at me like I’m a ghost and fall completely silent.
Their shock and disbelief of the situation certainly doesn’t help my grieving. My peers are around my age and at 21, most of us haven’t even heard of something like this happening to someone they know. I hate feeling like I’m tearing up their innocence. I also hate feeling like my life is so utterly messed up they can’t even pretend to sympathize so instead, they...
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n the mornings I often go outside and sit on my front porch to have a quiet cup of coffee while grieving my son's death by suicide. I feel like I'm closer to him when I'm hearing the birds nearby, just having a quiet moment. Often I weep.
Well, this morning someone left a small pamphlet that had the title "Suicide and Depression--all is not lost", and inside it's all this religious claptrap about how death by suicide is a sin and only faith in Jesus and God could save you. But, hey!, the...
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Hi my name is Ntokozo I'm 18 years old, I lost both my mom and dad, I wasn't close with my dad but I was very close with my mom till she died. I haven't able to move on since
Hello, my name is Jami. I lost my son , Dylan, 1/28/20. I feel I’ve just starting accepting that Dylan is gone. Since losing him, I feel I had myself convinced he was away at college and I just had to wait for him to come back. I’m sure just as all of you I’ve been through soooo many grieving steps… I played the detective, I blamed myself, I “acted” strong, ect. I feel the past year I accepted Dylan is not away at college. It wasn’t like I was crazy , really thinking he was at college. I...
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I lost my baby girl at age 23 to suicide last week. She struggled with mental health issues a couple of years ago, but had been doing so much better and I thought it was behind us. We never saw this coming. I found her unresponsive when I got up to get ready for work and she passed before the ambulance even arrived. My son, my husband, and I are completely devastated.
Blue sky, upper 50s and Sunshine again today, Yay!
Went for another walk with my new day pack loaded with 8 pounds of weight. So far so good, no aches or pains while wearing it.
I did 2.0 miles in 22 minutes.
Put on Michael Jackson's greatest hits.
Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat It, and Smooth Criminal helped me keep up my pace.
Ground still muddy, snow still in the mountains but the kids should be able to wear their Easter outfits and hunt for eggs on Sunday without snow suits and snow...
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Hi everyone,
I am a single mom of 4 and lost my baby girl 2 months ago - she was only 13. Her 3 older brothers and I are struggling to get through this every day. I've had to go back to work, had to pull myself together because my boys need me, but I'm still lost in the dark turbulent sea of grief and I feel like I won't ever reach the shore. She had been battling with anxiety and depression and had been receiving intensive outpatient treatment - her friends, family, all of us thought she...
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Hello, I'm Tom. I came across this group via Facebook and decided to join. On July 21, 2022 I lost my partner of 32 years. We met in 1990 when we were in our mid-20's, so we basically became adults together. He was, of course, my best friend, too.
It's been just over 8 months since he died, but I have been busy seeking help in coping with the loss. The day after he died I obtained a therapist, and subsequently joined an 8-week support group for survivors of suicide. I have been...
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"The day my mother died I wrote in my journal. "A serious misfortune of my life has arrived." I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage. I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died. When I woke up it was...
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52 weeks ago he told me he wanted to get a gun and shoot himself.
I was shocked.
I was confused.
I was frightened.
I was worried.
I reached out for help as much as I could.
If I had told the whole world it wouldn't have made a difference.
He was mentally tormented.
I am sad that he felt so horrible.
I am sad that anyone would ever feel that horrible.
I just spent an enormous time going around and around with Johnny about how he needed to change his life to get things right and he ignored me. Then I went over and over again the ways he could make things right and get straight and strong and get on the right track. Again he just ignored me. I was getting so frustrated, angry, sad…all the feelings .
then I woke up. He can’t do any of those things because he’s dead. He ignored me because he can’t talk any more. He’s dead.
My doctor has me...
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I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have gotten a new therapist. Today she will stare EMDR on me. I have read so many of you say this is really helpful. I have read up on it but I am still nervous. Even after doing a bit of research I don’t exactly know what to expect and how it works. I guess I’ll know in a few hours.
We had lunch then vegan ice cream. It was a peaceful time, we believed we were beating the monster.
My wife, my daughter Bo and Kristin. That smile and smirk on Kristin's face are one of the things I miss so much.
The holidays can be really hard, I know it, I get it. Please try to find the good, the fun, the love. It's there, it will always be there.
Love came first.....
Pops
Hello new friends,
Thank you for being here and for giving me a place to share my story. I will try to keep this as brief as I can for now. My experience with suicide is very recent, only a month and two days ago to be exact. My husband of almost seven years took his own life during an argument while we were drinking. Looking back I know it was not the argument that made him do it, he had a lot of things he was dealing with alone. He didn't know how or want to ask for professional help. I...
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First off let me express my sorrow for you having to see your loved one or even someone you didn't know take their own life. I know all to well how hard that can be.
Mine is still pretty fresh, it was just over a month ago. My husband and I were drinking on the weekend which was fairly common for us. Later in the evening things took a turn and we started arguing. I told him he wasn't making any sense, and he said he would never be able to make me understand.
I picked up with my side of...
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I am not sure if this is the right place to post? I am trying to find some help with my loss of my brother. I went to see a therapist on Tuesday, and they ended up telling me about their sibling who had died by suicide, and some details, and they got tearful and emotional. I got so overwhelmed, and it's lasted for days. I am not sure but this doesn't seem appropriate - I am paying to receive help and now feel so much more burdened. What's what? It's so hard to be in this position, searching...
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Its been 24 hrs since I learned my daughter is gone. .I will type more later. Im just in so much mental and physical pain right now. im just looking for some hope that I can get thru the rest of this world without her in it. She was my best friend.
Sometimes it just hits you that the cuddles, the kisses, the sex is no more. My daughter and I are watching a Netflix series (working mums) and those scenes when husband and wife are in bed talking and doing what couples do makes me think about what I don’t have and what I assumed would always be there. I mean I miss him on every level but those intimate moments are gone. It makes me feel so lonely. So empty. Just that comfortable feeling being together after 27 years. I miss that. I miss...
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Yesterday I celebrated 37 years of continuous sobriety. It was suggested I go to a meeting and couldn't. In the light of Jess'passing, not two weeks ago, I just couldn't.
I'm proud of my 'one day at a time,' but not as much as I am in my sorrow.
It's suggested I journal. This forum is the closest I get to. Maybe it's because I get some sort of response. After living with a now deceased daughter who rarely responded in recent years, I need a response.
I am eternally grateful this forum allows...
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I am just a hot mess. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't eat. And I'm being told it's my fault. How does anyone cope and move forward? I did not want this, I stopped it several times. And worst of all I didn't see it coming. I thought we had moved past this as an option. I missed something.
I feel like it’s rare that as a teenager, you’ll experience two of your best friends committing suicide less than six months apart, but it happened. They were incredibly strong people, and it’s hard to believe sometimes that it actually happened. He was a massive DC and music nerd, (something we shared) and she was a huge astronomy person. She was constantly building telescope prototypes of her own, and telling me all about the stars. I really do miss them.
Coming back to the home I grew up in, where my mother died and my father still lives, has been exhausting.
There’s the practical things- flying west to east, early morning alarm for the harrowing airport drive, etc. The next day getting up early to drive a distance to get my sister and bring her home too. Being the one to take my sister to a doctor’s appointment and hold her hand while they search for a vein.
Then there’s the other things. The huge void where my mother should be. Me being...
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Hi all. I am 23 and recently lost my father to suicide. I was the one who discovered his body when he didn’t come home from work one night. My mother has an extremely advanced form of cancer, and my father was her primary caregiver prior to his passing. I have been very fortunate in receiving lots of support from family and friends, however, am still feeling extremely lost, confused, and deeply saddened. Sending my love to everyone here who has had to share this type of tragic experience.
It's been just over 10 months since my beloved wife went away and I feel the need to get my feelings out. I don't know now if this still classifies as "early days" but I still cry multiple times a day every day and that can't be right? I function and exist around the pain but no longer feel I can repeat myself to others about how I am really as this will bring them down and it happened so long ago. To me it still feels like yesterday. I carry her with me all the time, she is constantly...
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I’m about to blow my top, but I can’t do it anywhere but here. If I hear “I want the old you back” one more time, I am going to lose my ****. No one gets it. No one. That person is GONE. There is no getting her back. I have handled my brother’s suicide with great dignity (I think), but everyone here knows there’s a limit and I’m there. I can’t even explain why I am so irrationally angry about it. I suppose it’s a reasonable thing for people to want, I guess, but it’s not possible or...
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I couldn’t rewrite this but wanted to share ,
Today was the day our beautiful son got his wings one year ago .
We had his plaque made today.
The fish is a photo of his tattoo.
It will be three months this Saturday and although there have been little steps forward I feel like I’m on stuck on a treadmill in the all consuming grief. Every thing I do reminds me of him not being here. Which then gets me questioning the ever ending cycle of why, I wish, if only. I’m seeing a therapist and that is helping. I’m talking less to the kids as they don’t want to talk about it all the time. I’m posting here many times which has provided me with comfort, Hope and understanding...
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Thursday is moving day
I will be saying goodbye to the home that was my husband and mine for the past 19 years.. I have been very emotional the past many weeks. Ranging from sad to angry and everthing in between. So many memories have come flooding back. Many good ones but also some bad.
Tonight I am excited about the change. Selling was something that I needed to do for my own sanity and my sons as well. I am hoping that the flashbacks will lessen once we have moved. To be away from where...
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My A of Hope family, If you would have asked me on April 4th of 2018 where I would see myself in five years, I don't think I would have had the slightest inkling of all the changes that have taken place in five years. The biggest change I was experiencing was the tragic news of my son's suicide death just four days earlier. Here I am, these five years later, a changed woman myself. My family has changed as well. My autistic son still struggles with the absence of his big brother in his...
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Hi Everyone,
Once again I turn to you my dear friends to vent my anger. I had my mom on the phone 3 days ago but my mind is only processing today what she said. She went to visit family for a week in my natal area. I was asking her how it went and she was talking about who she met and so on.
My mom was saying that everyone from the family was sad for us and they didn't understand what happened, that it was such a pity, so young (19yo) that he had all his life ahead and so on... then my...
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My husband died by suicide on May 10. I also suffered another type of trauma at the same time. I am looking for any kind words of support. It would mean the world.
I found him in the bathroom two weeks ago. I cant get the image out of my head. He seemed like the least likely person to die by suicide. Happy go lucky, stable, everybody's friend. I still believe it's my fault. I wanted a divorce and that's why he did it, so how can I not blame myself?
we were supposed to have dinner, and I went to pick him up and he was gone. It seems he purposely time did so that I would be the one to find him. The carbon monoxide alarms were going off, and I still...
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So for context my brother shot himself in the dining room five months ago, my mom and I cleaned the whole thing up (obviously after the police did their jobs), except for five little droplets of blood above one of the frames of one of the pictures, Ive known that is still there this whole time and the reason I dont wipe it off is because the situation to me feels so ridiculously insane and absurd and cruel and stupidly unbearably painful that sometimes I think:
"nah theres NO way that...
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All this time I thought the "Useful" Emoji was a carrot. 45 weeks on the forum and I see now that it is a wrench.
Gosh! The benefits of upgrading one's monitor kinda changes how we see things.
Daniel loved wild birds. He kept about ten different types of bird feeders up around his house, with different seeds and grains. He built a cage around some of them so that the small birds could fly in to eat at those feeders, but to keep the larger birds away. He could watch them at the feeders, and visiting other parts of his yard.
A week or so ago, I had seen a hawk roosting in the woods near my house. It came back to a similar spot for a few days in a row. I would have liked to...
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I lost my son to suicide 11/22. He was 26, married, with a beautiful baby daughter. We never knew he was in pain. For 4 months I've been buried in my own choking sadness while trying to help his 2 younger sisters through their own grief. There aren't appropriate words for any of it. It is absolutely suffocating at times. I'm glad I found this forum, where I don't feel so alone.
Six months ago was also a Sunday into Monday. Sunday she was alive and Monday she- my smart, loving, incredibly competent, good communicator mother- wasn’t. I knew something was really wrong, but I felt helpless as to what to do. I’d already bought and canceled a plane ticket (long story-I was told not to go home; I should have gone home, but I still may not have been soon enough). I’d told myself I would call her that week and I was still planning on going home soon. I was exhausted for...
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At home with my siblings. I was anxious that I would be overly emotional all day, I was not. I cried, laughed, and stepped away when I needed a break.
I answered questions about Jess, and suicide. My siblings shared their disappointment they did not reach out to her. One husband shared that suicide had been a secret and my being open was a gift for him. We talked about the effect of suicide and living with it. The positives that can come from suicide. Open discussion for example.
I am not...
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I lost my ex husband, my only child's father, to suicide the end of December. This was not a surprise; it was his 5th attempt. His first attempt was sixteen years ago, the day after my 40th birthday, while we were married. He decided shortly after that that he no longer wanted to be married and we divorced.
He battled depression and addiction since then. We remained close even though I remarried. He still relied on me in times of despair for emotional and financial support but berated...
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Just when I thought that the grief could not get worse, last night the grief ripped and ravaged my mind unlike anything I’ve experienced. I could not sleep because the pressure in my head was crippling. I laid in bed begging to die through tears and short shallow breaths.
Then sometime around 3:00 am I slowly felt myself slipping into sleep as my mind kept asking why did you leave me alone.
I was woken by the sound 4 distinct knocks. I was in the middle of a dream that was very vivid...
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Ted Lasso is a heartwarming comedy show on Apple TV that is a few episodes into its third and final season. I rewatched the first two seasons before starting the third season and noted that there were one or two times where someone joked about suicide. However, one of the reasons I am reviewing it is because the show is one of the few shows I am aware of that deals with suicide grief. It is not something that comes up directly until season two, but when it does it explains many pieces of the...
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My little sister took her own life one year and one month ago. It was completely unexpected and there are still so many unanswered questions, and I think about her every single day. I've been able to continue with my life, but in a way, I feel like I am also grieving my parents because they have not been the same and will never be the same. My life is forever changed, and I feel alone because none of my friends can truly understand what I'm going through.
Hi, my name is Shannon. One month ago tomorrow my fiance committed suicide. He crashed his plane in a wooded area apx 1 hour from our home. He is still missing as the forest and terrain are so dense it has been difficult for search and rescue to find him or the plane. It has been an excruciating month. I feel like I am living in a fog. I am having trouble just functioning through the day and I'm paralyzed with sadness, fear and guilt. I am so lonely. I've been avoiding even family...
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It's been a while since I have shared as I was in a couple of groups one being a SOS Group but I'm finding that the group tends to trigger me as it feels soooo heavy, raw, and now I have to walk on egg shells to not " trigger " the newer people in the group. I'm just confused because I want support but I also want to be able to be real.
After losing my wife and getting Anxiety, the panic and PTSD. When I get anxiety it leads me to panic and then to thoughts of my own demise.
I'm pretty sure we all have normal anxiety and we do just fine going about our lives but then we became survivors of suicide which changed everything that we were all about.
I stlll have normal anxiety but I have to stop myself and really think about what is happening in those moments because thats where it starts to get out of control in my mind...
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Tomorrow is not a guarantee so live life now and don’t get hung up on the things that don’t matter. This summarizes the countless messages I’ve seen portrayed in so many different ways through movies, songs, sermons and so many many other casual encounters through literature I came across in the 32 years I spent with my wife. NEVER did I EVER think I would experience anything remotely close to the shock, confusion, loneliness, pain, guilt, regret, and anger that I’ve experienced these last...
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My husband took his own life last Friday. I posted about it in the intro section. I’m having nonstop panic attacks, I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have an 18 month old daughter that I have to be there for but I can’t right now. How do you physically get through the cortisol and adrenaline surges?
So, 18 years ago we brought triplet girls into this world. Everything was bought in multiples of three. Every time we ventured out into the world people would come come up and say, oh my, are they triplets? Three cribs, three high chairs, three bottles, three holiday dresses. Later, three backpacks, three new teachers every year, three bedrooms for them, three phones, three of each stocking stuffers, etc. “Are they triplets “ still. My three little ducks in a row.
This morning, per usual...
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Was intelligent, kind and wanted nothing but peace for all on earth. He played chess extremely well and was teaching himself to speak Japanese. He enjoyed boxing and keeping fit and gave everything he tried 100% and I learnt a lot from him. Love and miss you Nicholas with all my heart
11 months ago my son took his life three days before his 22nd birthday. He leaves behind a twin brother and two old sisters. The twins lived at home with my husband and I. He left a long letter - huge shock to us he had been battling persistent depression disorder and anxiety that he chose to keep to himself. He never wanted to be on medication. He was a psychology major at university. We knew he didn’t like the way the world was and he did say once he didn’t ask to be born but still in such...
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For those praying people…for those who will send positive vibes, light and love…
My third son, closest in age to Connor is having a very hard day. He suffers with such high anxiety. Today is Connor’s birthday and this son is struggling with an anxiety attack.
please send prayers or positive thoughts for him
Thank you,
I love you all
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and my sister lost her fiancé to suicide. Now she is in my shoes, the ones I was in 12-13 years ago. It’s been very weird to see her become like I was. I don’t really know what else to say right now.
Today is the day. Jess coming home.
Didn't think it would be in a small box, and she's finally home.
Yesterday was better today a bit tough.
Sober and sad. I have not thought about a drink. I must be careful of other compulsive behaviors. Doing my best to feel any and all feelings.
Thanks to all who read, respond, pray, love.
Hello! I'm so grateful to find this forum! I have been really struggling with the loss of my brother to alcoholism and suicide 2 years ago. We were adult children of alcoholics, and I am learning a lot about myself through that 12-step program. We also lost his daughter to alcoholism last summer, and I almost lost my oldest son to alcoholism and suicide just a few months ago. I was able to intervene just moments before he succeeded by calling the National Suicide Prevention Helpline. The...
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After a period of work stress my Dad experienced a mental breakdown over a number of weeks and months.
He was eventually diagnosed with psychotic depression, but he didn’t think he was unwell and he didn’t want to take his prescribed medication.
He experienced a range of symptoms including severe delusions, paranoia, weight loss, slowed speech and movements, ruminating thoughts, suicidal ideation, feelings of guilt, regret, failure and worthlessness.
He then made a serious attempt on...
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Hello
Thank you for this organization I recently discovered. I may not be superactive in forums yet as I'm really struggling to deal with my losses and work full-time as a nursing professor. So, all of the small amount of energy I have each day is expended at work helping students learn and deal with their own struggles. I'm exhausted when I get home and have very little energy for my husband.
On July 6, 2021, my 34-year old son completed suicide followed on July 13th by the unexpected and...
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Hi everyone
It’s been a year since I lost my best friend housemate and first love. I have been stuck in my grief unable to connect with it until now. It kinda smacked me in the face the other day. I’m still feeling stuck but I want to feel more and get the ball rolling. I want to live a beautiful full life not be feeling disconnected and stagnant. I look forward to exploring this forum and website more.
Hello everyone, I just lost my 28 year old nephew to suicide on Sunday evening. It was the eve of the 9th anniversary of his mom's (my sister) murder. This has made it even harder because I didn't realize how much he was struggling with that until now. I also haven't spoken to him since December because I was "too busy". I now feel incredible guilt and I feel like I failed him because maybe if I had taken the time to stay it touch it might have made a difference. Even if it didn't, he would...
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Although my parents loved each other immeasurably they never were ones to massively celebrate their anniversary. It was always quite low key. Even their wedding was done quietly with a small group of friends and they announced at their ‘engagement’ party that they were in fact married already.
I wonder what we should do tomorrow to celebrate. To remember my amazing parents. Two truly kind and wonderful souls.
I’m hoping to find someone that can be relatable. Our family is completely broken. We lost my brother to suicide last week. It was a suicide pact with his girlfriend however the media has painted him as a murderer. I am grateful to have been one of the few that got to talk to him before he passed. But I and my family are completely lost. There is no animosity with her family we have talked to them they know the pain the 2 of them were in. It was headline news where we live. Has anyone else...
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I went to Walmart to pick out a card for my son-in-law, not even thinking there would be a trigger. And of course there were the son cards right next to them. Cards were a big deal between us. We both always looked for the perfect card for birthdays, etc. I honestly felt I couldn't breath thinking about I would never buy another card for him, and I would never receive another sweet card from him. I miss him so much. If only he had known that there were other solutions. I am so broken, yet...
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Today is Connor’s birthday. He would be 28 had he lived. I celebrate that I was able to be his Momma, but it just wasn’t enough time. Connor your Momma will always love you and miss you. Today and everyday I think about you Love, Momma
I have this book and gave one to my DIL and granddaughter and close friends. It speaks from the heart. On Apple TV they have a beautiful movie of this book. I was watching it last night with my DIL and granddaughter. They have two cats, none of which have EVER climbed onto their laps in the past two years. The little boy reminds me of Jason, my son, when he was little. There’s a line in the movie/book when the mole asks the boy, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ The boy responds...
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In the 8+ months my wife has been gone
I have not had a drink.
I'm thinking of resuming drinking. Maybe 1
or 2 drinks on most nights. This was the way
I drank prior to her leaving.
However, there is a history of alcohol use disorder
in my family. I have always been aware of it and never
really had a problem stopping or cutting back.
I also have/has suffered from depression most of
my life and I am aware of the way alcohol can affect
mood. Usually it doesn't bother me but occasionally
it...
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I lost my husband in January to a self inflicted gun wound. I found him shortly after he did it. I called 911 and they told me to do CPR. I had a feeling he was already gone. And I knew this is what he want it. I am not sure if I could live with myself if I didn’t try to help him. I had a difficult time getting him off the bed to do mouth-to-mouth. The 911 operator told me to do chest compressions. But his chest was already blown open. I couldn’t believe I had to touch him. I just remember...
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My father-in-lawn took his own life in January.
I found out this weekend that he blamed me toward the end of his life - for “forcing him” to take medical leave from work. He believed that choice was the reason things became so desperate for him.
I know those are the machinations of a very twisted mind, but it’s weighing on me heavily. It keeps poking through all my thoughts, breaking my concentration. I’m having these intense waves of nausea and then like… extreme anger. The anger scares...
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I apologize ahead for the long post and possible triggers.
3 years ago today my life changed forever. I remember waking up that Sunday morning knowing in my soul that you were gone. I was coming over to take you shopping, instead your brother (Don) & I found you and you were already gone. You brother was holding you say No No as I was calling for help. I remember asking you before they took you away "why did you have to do this, why did you leave me, I love you". I just sat on the ground...
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Today someone I work with was frustrated and sent me emojis of a head and a gun pointing at it . She has no idea what has happened to me , but I’m frustrated that there is so much talking happening and very little thinking . We never really can be sure how what we say resonants with others , I wish people would consider that before running their mouths.
I have read alot of these threads today and I can relate to all of them except the anger. I know everybody tells me it will come or it has to come to recover. But unlike some I really do understand why she did it, it doesnt make it right or help with the aftermath but anger towards her I just cant be. I have worked vert very hard on how I react to daily life and not have anger be a part of it. So how can I be mad when I understand? Its been just over 3 months since her passing and it feels...
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We are forever altered in this experience of suicide loss. In so many ways. What we watch in the media changes as well. In the early days of my loss when I thought to turn on the TV, it was looking for something distracting, something to take my mind off of my intense pain for just a little bit. It was spring/early summer and my daughter and I would take grief breaks watching Americas Got Talent. It was escapist and allowed us time to continue talking, cracking a few jokes to use humor as a...
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Wednesday will be three years that my oldest son Ben left. I am feeling almost more overwhelmed than on the 1st & 2nd year.
I think it has a lot to do with losing my youngest son Don just 7 months ago.
That day Ben left keeps playing over in my mind. How we (Don & I) found him, having to tell my mom. Everybody that was there and now nobody says anything about either one of my boys. Maybe because I don't say much either with out crying. Crying is saved for when I'm alone at night.
I just wanted to put post here in gratitude for this new place to post for grandparents and also a little about the journey as a grandparent who lost a precious young granddaughter. In gratitude for this new sub-forum, I just want to say to all grandparents who find themselves here, that you have a place here when you need support in this journey just as everyone does. All who suffer this loss have a place to sit with others who understand this journey and travel it together. We will help...
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Of the three therapists I have seen as well as my psychiatrist, none had heard of this site! I luckily found it on my own but it was two years in after Connor passed. This forum has been the single most important resource to me! The therapist yesterday was so grateful I told her about it because she said she’d recently had four moms to loose children to suicide. She was so thankful when I told her about AOH so she would have this resource to offer them.
It bothers me that people...
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Since Jason passed away a little over three years ago, I just have very little tolerance for listening to my friends go on and on about their activities with their grown children and their kids. Things I would have been doing with Jason and his family. I don’t have that anymore. So I’ve had to limit my time with them. I now walk on my own, which brings me peace. No chatter. I listen to the world around me and it’s so very calming. I meet them for coffee once or twice a week. Instead of my...
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Hi
I lost my brother to suicide last July. Need support to get through the trauma and sadness.
Have your ever driven around in your neighborhood over the years and notice certain individuals? The people that are scraping their driveway in the Winter. Edging their lawns along the sidewalk and driveway.to make it look neater in the Summer . A pristine yard with green grass and no weeds. I used to notice those individuals. I call them putzers (cleaners) I have been going out each day chipping away at the ice on my driveway. I have become one of them. I used to think what a waste of time...
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Hi, my son completed suicide 2 years ago on March 1, he was 28. I live in a very rural area that doesn’t have a lot of Therapists or in person groups. I have a therapist through Better Help and she has been helping me but she suggested that I also find a group that is specific to suicide for more support. I have been fortunate that my husband and I can talk openly about our son and our feelings but we have been pretty much abandoned by all our old friends. Some days I am ok and feel I am...
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I spent this week reviewing some pictures I just found. I was feeling pretty down before I talked to a wise friend. She said "Pops, her life was not all bad, you have to remember the smile, you have to remember the good" She reminded me how often I say Kristin was not defined by her death and she told me I should also say her life was not defined by her illness. She is right.
Kristin was a
* smart young women
* she was a talented artist
* she was as funny as anyone I ever met...
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I was going ok and now have come crashing down again. I know it’s normal but I need to post yet again. I left my son after a lovely night and day spent with him. He seems like he is doing ok. He was in his element at uni with friends and even included me into his campus meeting. I drove 2 hours crying to my mums. Why why why is all I say. Over and over again. I feel so sorry for my children. This man who was a major presence is no longer here. It just does not make any sense. My son and I...
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I am brand new to this as I just found out my brother died of suicide. I cannot make sense of it and I do not know what to do to recover.
There are times throughout this painful journey when it’s easier to spill out lies. I‘ve told many in the last 3.5 years.Ask My Mom How She Is
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say, "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she...
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my brain and
heart divorced
a decade ago
over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become
eventually,
they couldn't be
in the same room
with each other
now my head and heart
share custody of me
I stay with my brain
during the week
and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another
- instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week
and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same...
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Is there life after a death by suicide? Is there? Where is it? It has been 3 years. There is no life after suicide. I've been counseling. I've been on the medication. There is no life after suicide.. My love is gone forever and nothing will bring him back. How do I live with that? I am tired... I have been labeled a killer. My husband's religious friends haha never contacted me. No flowers, no cards. Nothing. My immediate family nothing. I was under investigation and my son wasn't happy with...
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Is there life after a death by suicide? Is there? Where is it? It has been 3 years. There is no life after suicide. I've been counseling. I've been on the medication. There is no life after suicide.. My love is gone forever and nothing will bring him back. How do I live with that? I am tired... I have been labeled a killer. My husband's religious friends haha never contacted me. I couldn't even get his faster to call me after many phone calls. No flowers, no cards. Nothing. My immediate...
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Recently, I have been sharing a series of posts with two mothers who have lost a child each. There was a very strong indication that we should all meet face-to-face for a coffee. After contacting the organization re: Private messaging and to share emails so we could arrange a catch-up), I then received a message back from one who basically implied - or maybe it is my state of mind - that I had somehow lied. This was because on one date, I shared with her about the emails for mothers but...
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After losing my sister who was my best-friend about three months ago, seeing how often people ask if I have siblings is really eating at me. I just don’t know what to say.
If I say I only have one (when it used to be two) I feel like I’m lying about her due to shame.
If I say I have two and she’s alive I also feel like I’m lying and ignoring her death - which I already do plenty of and don’t need any more.
If I say I used to have a sister I just feel like it’s an unnecessary trauma...
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It’s the one year anniversary of our sons passing
His eldest child’s birthday and easter all in one week.
Last year we still went on our planned easter camping trip,
it wasn’t easy , he was meant to be there but it was a good experience for us ,
I was determined to try and make easter a good memory for his children in particular, being an outdoorsy guy it gave us solice being near the water and watching joyful life still happening around us .
This year I’d like to commemorate the day and...
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I post in another group, but also wanted to introduce myself now as a parent who lost a child.
In 2021, my son in law completed suicide; my daughter found him.
Since that day, as we know she was never the same and attempted 3x to take her life. She completed the way her husband did.
Due to a conflicted relationship with her, unresolved past hurts, Jess, my daughter, alienated me from her life. Our last conversation was her anger directed at me. The last text, "I don't need anything from...
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I lost my only child on 1-1-2023. He was the most kind, tender hearted guy. I'm new on this grief journey and just taking things moment by moment.
’ The space between the stars’ by Indira Naidoo, is a breathtaking, healing book where wonder and mystery reside in the healing power of nature. It was an utter joy to read. From the wisdom of a fig tree through to finding feathers and receiving kindness and serendipitous moments from angels amongst us, this book will resonate with many here. Both humorous and profound, this rich narrative will encourage us to see life in the ant and the cosmos.
Indira Naidoo is a beloved...
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Yesterday, about 1/2 way into my shift we responded to a call involving suicide. The circumstances of the incident almost perfectly mirrored those of my LEO partner’s suicide.
As I approached the scene I involuntarily stopped moving. I closed my eyes & did about 2 minutes of metered breathing before proceeding. I was able to compartmentalize enough to properly process the scene & call for the coroner. I then sat with the family for about an hour just letting them talk/scream/cry (be...
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This cutie pie is named Bonnie. She adopted us a couple of weeks ago. We are already so in love with her.
This question would most likely be directed to people who have lost spouses but I guess anyone would have an option. My son has been gone a year now. His wife has only just taken off her wedding ring. Honestly I didn’t even notice that she had. She pointed it out and said she was tired of people asking her questions and having to explain, so she just took it off. But my question is—should I …and if I should…HOW do I tell her it’s ok to move on? Not that I want her to move on from our family...
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Today my daughter Jess completed suicide. She was not able to navigate the world after her husband's suicide in 2021.
My sorrow is unspeakable as our last conversation was anger directed toward me.
Time to begin healing.
Meredith
I cannot believe I’m writing this post. My sons 21st party was going absolutely beautiful. Everyone was having a great night until my mother in law started saying things to my mother about me and my marriage and a myriad of other things that I was an embarrassment to my husband because I chose differently about the Covid vaccine. She also said I never had stable jobs and my husband worked hard and I contributed very little. My mother was upset but she never said anything to ruin the night. I...
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Hi group,
I am wondering if anyone knows of a sibling suicide support group that meets, and is not a fee for service group? I would do zoom, that would be fine. I am struggling with trying to find support and also feel like I am getting confused by the experiences of parents, spouses, children, etc. - it's too much. Does anyone know of any?
Thanks in advance!
I am newish to this site. I lost my brother 2 months ago, and our dad 3 years prior. We have another sibling who is enduring an extremely difficult illness, with treatments, and surgeries, and drugs, etc. I just want to talk to my dad and to my brother. I cannot believe that I can't talk to them about how our brother is doing. It's so unbelievably agonizing.
I started therapy and realized that I am literally pissed at all that I have to explain to the therapist. She has no idea who...
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My son, Jason, committed suicide on March 20th or March 21st. It still feels like yesterday I am looking forward to your support. Thank You
Carolyn
I lost my best friend of over 34 years, a year ago. I do not know what details of anything to put on here. I have not spoke to anyone on what's going on in my head or my feelings about his suicide (not even my wife) or how it happened, some know the how from me. I am the type who keeps things to myself and pushes through things and this problem is not easy to get a handle on for me. My wife suggested a counselor or a support form so here I am. A counselor would be hard for me I would just...
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Today has been hard. It’s my friends birthday party today. One year ago at this same persons party I saw my best friend for the last time before they took their life. I saw them at this exact house and party and I am very physically triggered by this. It’s like my heart is beating out of my chest. That one year ago was a very negative experience for me. They didn’t look like themselves and I barley saw them. I just ran out of the room and was having a panic attack. I had no idea they knew...
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Next week will be 1 year since my brother took his life and I am dreading the day. Everyone keeps asking what I want to do and how I want to spend the day. My wife said I cant just lay in bed and cry all day and my friends want to take me out. I dont know how to tell people what I want or how I want to remember him that day because I dont. I get mad when people bring it up because I am dreading that day and I dont have an answer. How do I spend this day? What is the right thing to say...
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So this week has been very hard, I saw on my phone I have the conversation with my brother, I can not open though because Im just scared. It got me wondering, what do you do with digital stuff like e-mails, texts, game profiles? Do you keep them there lurking around you? Do you archive them?
Lost my brother to suicide last July. The grief was completely overwhelming for a few months. With the help of family, friends, and therapy I am making progress to the point of having periods of time where I can enjoy life again. But still ups and downs. Today I received a box of my brothers art that was sent to me by a family member helping to empty his house. And oof, I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I definitely cannot open it right now, not sure when I’m going to be...
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This morning we were talking at breakfast about grandpa being in “the valley,” meaning the Phoenix are in Arizona. My 6 yo asked “What’s the valley?” My immediate response was almost “where my sister lives.” Instead I said where my brothers live. So of course teary eyes all over again because my sister no longer lives there. It was a completely unexpected trigger.
Hello, I lost my wife of 28 years two weeks ago. She left me and our two boys who are in their early 20s. We were together since I was 19 years old. She was the other half of me. I am broken and I don't know how I will get better. We had a future together one day and then the next it was all gone. The only thing I see moving forward is sorrow. I'm hoping this place will help somehow because the loss is unbearable.
Please help us. I have never used a forum of any kind. OUr 16 year old grandson took his life in our home very very recently. He had a history of mental illness and hospitilizations but was currently in outpatient therapy and medications. Seemed to be better for a few months. We had a wonderful day, he was looking forward to a job interview, he said goodnight to us lovingly and sweetly. Then a few hours later ended his life. Where do I turn? How do we heal?
Hi. My name is Meagan (or "May" as he called me). I'm 28 years old. I have two younger "half" siblings. We all share the same mother, different dads.
On Feb 25, 2023, I found my father's body in a shed after I had received a call earlier that morning from my grandmother stating she had not seen him in three days. To this day, the image haunts me. I have issues sleeping, I don't like the dark or to open closed doors. At first, even clothes "hanging" in the closet triggered me.
One of the...
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I noticed there isn’t one for grandparents that lose their grandchildren. I think this might be a very important addition to this wonderful site.
My fiancé loved the outdoors. He loved hunting but loved fishing the most. He was a Mississippi boy born and raised. He had his own carpentry and renovation business for years and then went into management with a commercial building company. He was very funny and always kept me laughing. He was my soulmate. I miss him every day.
This is very difficult to write. Difficult to realize that I now have to deal with feelings I’ve never experienced before. Feelings that are indescribable, feelings that make me physically ill. I lost my uncle on March 7th, a date forever ingrained in my head. I’m having a hard time processing all of the feelings & emotions.
I lost my only child, Harold, on 8-2-20. I haven't been on AoH in quite awhile. Now almost 3 years on, It seems I am doing better. But I think it is because I am numbing myself to all emotions. There is no joy when I am too busy stomping down the misery. It is hard to care about anything at a deep level. I care enough to do right by my students, my pets, but it feels so shallow, the caring. I think I've avoided this site because it makes me feel the deep hurt in my chest when i read the...
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I am so tired I am useless this afternoon. The time change maybe made my sleep schedule worse, or I hope I am not coming down with something. Morning was busy, trying to take it easy as all around me is a ton of things to do.
Sometimes after therapy I have trouble putting things down, we keep working on it. Yesterday was busy but some down time today has me a bit unsettled and it's probably time to journal. But really this was from the day before.
Warning: TV drama-
I was watching a...
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We all have seen it. News stories, extensive televised coverage, interviews, photos close up and far away, of the devastation resulting from a tornado. Irreparable damage to a home, to a neighborhood, to a family. This is what has happened, I believe.
It does me no good, nor the person who requests, insists, or even demands it, to imagine that I can somehow walk about the catastrophe with a smile. Pretend it all to be the 'same' once all of the walls have been blown off the house...
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Hi I am not sure if this has been mentioned before . I know everyone here is grieving a loss from suicide . I can’t help but cringe when I hear the word commit . Mental illness, depression , and the final result of these disorders can be a completed suicide. But in no way is suicide a crime and the word commit suggest a crime occurred . The only crime committed is by our society who do not support the grieving or provide education about suicide when it is such a growing epidemic . Please...
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I’m a mom, a nurse…been through some struggles in the last few years. Lately my son is on my mind more than “usual,” whatever that is. It’s been 16 months, and still feels like it was yesterday sometimes. It’s just hard to swallow sometimes, hard to keep going, hard to not cry. My partner is a veteran and doesn’t understand why I’m still crying pretty routinely. He’s not part of my grief, didn’t have a relationship with my son, and wasn’t liked by my son.
Phew, that wave passed… I live in...
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This is the one year anniversary since we buried our daughter. A few people have reached out, who were part of her burial. Even close family's forgotten the date. We haven't. The day we somehow put our beautiful 20 year old in the earth, and walked away, and the walking through 365 days since, we haven't forgotten. I went to her grave yesterday and tidied it up, planting spring flower bulbs I've been nurturing for this purpose: Delicate daffodils, soft-petaled hyacinths, sweet, tiny tulips...
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Today would have been my daughter- in -law's birthday. We would have done something fun and there would have been chocolate cake involved. She was a bigger chocolateholic than me and that is saying a lot. It is almost three years since she died and I think of her everyday and miss her. I am thankful for the years she was part of our family, although it was much too short. She was an awesome person. Everyone who met her liked her. She made the world a better place.
Hello,
It is so hard to write this introductory post. I lost my son to suicide 3 weeks ago. He was 43 years old and a father of 2. I want to be strong for my daughter, his sister, and for my beautiful grandchildren, but I am barely functioning myself. Right now, I am just putting one foot in front of the other. My friends send me texts and ask me how I am doing and to let them know if they can do anything. I don’t know how to answer, so I say I am fine and I don’t need anything.
Hi,
I am new here, my brother died 2 months ago. I knew that he was really struggling to process some childhood trauma and marital discord just prior to his death. I was desperately trying to get him help and motivate his spouse, while also trying to let him process with me until I could get help on board. It was horrifying. And also, I feel left with the reality of what he was telling me about our shared childhood trauma - which his wife would not let him reveal.
In the aftermath, my...
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I just wanted to reach out with love to all those missing a child, a mother or mother figure tomorrow trying to get through another Mother's Day . It's a day of overwhelming grief and love for our beautiful people no longer with us. This will be my 4 th without my son and won't be doing anything just quiet reflection remembering the perfect moments once shared.
Wishing you peace and prayers for continued strength on a difficult day. Warm hugs
Hello,
I thought I did this step already but here goes. My name is Elisa and I lost my son in August 2021 to schizoaffective disorder. He is free from his unmanaged trauma and I am now learning to live without him, but for him. He and I along with my husband were very involved together with his care. We are thankful he included us in so much of it as it really has helped to cope, advocate and give a continued purpose. My husband and I will be married 40 years in November. We have our...
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Lately I’ve been on a LGBTQ short film/movie binge on various streaming services and this one long video popped up of two women’s story. It looked like it was part of a series, and I googled it and the series is called Coronation Street set in the UK. It was extremely deep. One of the women was British, and the other was a Pakistani Muslim woman living in the UK. They had a deep love story.
One of the scenes, however, included a glimpse of suicide that included a pan of the victim...
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I miss you everyday. It was an honor to be your mom for 38 years. I miss everything about you.
My sister headed off today after spending a week with me. As soon as she left, I screamed and yelled at him. How could he do this to me, how could he do this to us. The kids were his life. I just don't understand what could have been this bad. We could have worked it out, we could have talked through his thoughts if only he had of said what they were. We had been married for 22 years, he could have talked to me. Why didn't he talk to me. This was the worst decision he could have...
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I finally found this, I came across this the covid first year I think on youtube.
I hope someone can heal from this as much as I did....
I have been surviving for 3,857 days since losing my wife.
3,437 of those days I drank my myself into a full blown alcoholic.
For 10 years I was a very depressed person, the drinking, the anxiety and panic (PTSD) and even became suicidal twice.
In the beginning I did the right things that all survivors should try and do - SOS groups (local), 1 on 1 therapy, online SOS groups, group therapy, EMDR therapy, I think my therapist even tried non narcotic drugs but I stopped because they made me...
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It’s been almost 6 months since my brother took his life. For a while, my job was very understanding with me and gave me a lot of grace if I was a mess or spaced out. Then I went on maternity leave for about 10 weeks. Since I’ve been back, I feel like I’ve been doing a good job. Meaning I don’t think it’s necessarily impacting my work, I get stuff done and solve problems, etc. But I’ve been getting lots of criticism because they want the “old me” back and don’t understand why it’s like I’m...
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Obviously, I have not been sleeping well but I am extremely tired. I have tried taking melatonin but only slept a few hours. I can't seem to keep my eyes open at work. Is this just exhaustion or depression? Any suggestions for getting through this awful tiredness? I feel like a zombie and can't concentrate. All I think about is how bad I want to just lay down but then I can't sleep if I do. Thanks for helping me though this. Missing him more and more everyday.
Forgive me for my ranting. I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm still waking up every day - that I'm still here, even though my boy isn't. I'm angry that my son and my daughter are hurting because he is gone and that he chose to be gone. I'm angry that my husband is hurting and I'm angry with myself that I didn't see how much pain he was in. I'm angry that he didn't give me the chance to save him. And I just miss him so so much..every minute of every day.
I lost my son, Kaleb, to suicide on September 29th. I am still numb and don’t know where to turn. He was 35, had a thriving
Went to a counselor for the first time today. I’m not so sure it’s for me. Or maybe it’s just not the right counselor. She didn’t have much to say to me but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Not sure I want to go back. What have your experiences been?
Dealing with his estate, unpacking the 4 boxes of items from his home, the barrage of emails and mail, havent had the energy or maybe it’s dreading putting the house up for sell. Working, not sleeping well, still feeling numb.
I feel like I should have a better grasp on my life now but it’s only been 5 weeks.
Almost three years past, the depression is becoming overwhelming, seeking out support seriously starting now.
Firstly, I am okay now, I want to make this clear. But for the majority of my life, I was very suicidal. I would say between the ages of 9 to 23 I was suicidal the vast majority of that time. I've been hospitalized for it before and made an insincere attempt once. When I got to college I went to therapy and I feel I've processed the bulk of previous life experiences and current life stressors and mental health symptoms to a point where I no longer need psychiatric medications or therapy...
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On the 14 March just gone, I had a dream about my partner and our little dog. I was walking on a type of bridge, looking down upon my partner and my little dog looked up at me and jumped to and fro as if dancing to gain my attention. Her tongue was lolling, her eyes were bright and she seemed ever so happy. And I felt the love that I have not had since my partner and our dog passed over.
Martin had found a tiny 1950s wooden red Christmas tree which had many beautiful drawings...
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I feel like I am going crazy! I want to scream and cry but I can’t. Lately I just feel so alone and feel unhappy. I told my boyfriend today this past year nothing has brought me happiness not even him. I have literally walked around with a fake smile on my face. He says he wants to help me but I know he won’t. One thing about everyone in my life I have told them I need help but they just make it about themselves. I just don’t know what to do. My happiness left when my dad died! My happiness...
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Hello. I feel guilty for coming on here because I did not lose somebody in my family, nor a close friend, but her death impacted me considerably nonetheless. It's been nearly six months now and I still feel upset about it. We were both in a program together that deals with clinical mental healthcare and I was aware of the hardships she was going through during the last months of her life. I tried to help her and it wasn't enough.
I went to her funeral and it was the first time I had seen a...
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Kind of a long story for a simple statement. But I feel like I need to say it all:
It has been two months today that my partner chose to leave. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions; most of them pretty low for understandable reasons.
When I woke this morning (around 03:30) I had the feeling that today would break me. I curled up deeper in my bed and waited for my demons. I stayed that way, hiding under the covers for a few hours just ruminating. Angry at everything: my partner for...
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3 weeks ago, I competed in my 4th powerlifting meet. I wore my Metallica shirt in honor of Josh(That was his fave band) and I went into it mastering my thoughts and feelings, like a true Jedi. Out of 9 lifts attempted, I performed 8 perfectly. My last squat attempt was the only lift I missed the whole day! I hit new meet PRs in bench and deadlift. I nailed a 125lb bench press and for my very last lift of the meet, where I failed in the past due to just not having anything left in the tank...
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Good morning /afternoon and evening . Wherever we are on this planet earth we all share the same story . Tonight I am feeling a dread and a loss , it’s been excruciatingly profound in the last few days . I thought I was doing ok then the anxiety and surreal feeling creeps in . I am almost 7 months in since Grants death …yet I still half expect him to be back with us. We were a family of four and it’s the little things that speak volumes … his place at the table … him taking our beloved...
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Hi friends,
This song has been in my life for some time now, but in the words of Ringo Starr at the Concert for George:
'The meaning has changed now.'
The story he shares before singing the song strikes even more of a chord with me now.
I thought I'd share it here.
Take care,
Poet
Not Right Now - Jason Gray
Next week will be the one year mark of my brother’s suicide. In this year, I have sought help through therapy where the burden of guilt has dissolved. Before his suicide I had decided to return to college for a career change. I had decided to take the prerequisites to hopefully enter a Nursing program.
I’m struggling though with my own stigmatization of his death. I am trying to find understanding. His death shattered the remaining childhood family, as unfortunately we grew up in a toxic...
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Grief has a horrible way of just sneaking up on you with no warning and hitting you right in the gut. I was having a pretty good day then got in car to pick up kids and suddenly the loss just washes over me. I wasn’t even thinking anything in particular about my sister. I hate it.
Hi all,
I’ve been working up to this day with a wide range of emotions, mainly deep sadness. Today, March 15th, is my triplet girls’ Birthday. Two of them will be turning 18 and one of them will be 17 forever. I say I’ve been working up to this because it is a shared birthday and that complicates the feelings. On one hand, it’s a celebration of an important birthday- 18 already? Wow! On the other hand one of the birthday girls won’t be here and that’s a giant grief filled hole for the...
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Today is my youngest son‘s birthday. Twenty-two on earth. Ten in Heaven. How can that be?
I loved you from the moment I knew you existed.
I loved you from the moment you were born.
I loved you and nurtured you for twenty-two years.
and Then you were gone.
Gone from this earth.
many have forgotten you but for a an occasional memory.
but I carry you with me every moment, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year.
you once were. You still are.
I love you.
It began the day I returned from my trip, the day after my father passed away, 6 months to the day of when my beloved brother took his own life. A pinched nerve hurting like a son of a gun, but it's stopped me from having the ability to do any more crying.
I've done my best to carry around a thermos of ice water, especially to therapy, over the last 6 months as crying is crazy dehydrating. Currently the sharp, piercing, shooting pain from the back of my neck, down my back, to above my hip...
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I blamed myself every day…
We loved each other so much
WHY ?!
I hate myself , I want him taking me with him and I also know he will never hurt me
I really hate myself and my life.
I am still here because of my 88 years old father and the beautiful home he built by his hand and his lovely pet.
I don’t know how to extend the new days
It’s a tough week. My oldest daughter is still sick with COVID. Basically two weeks now of having at least one of the kids home from daycare. Her toddler brain can’t deal with being sick and tired so she’s wailing all the time.
This week, dad had tickets to the NCAA tournament. He loved going to it whenever it was in town, and I went with him. The last time we did it was 2019. It was fun for me, but the truth is, it was also kind of an obligation. In high school, he had tickets and he...
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77 Dreams. First story of 2023.
During the first year after our tragedy, I would compose stories every day, that I was able, about Ethan. Amazing stories of his childhood, about the philosophies he developed, and the horrible thing called Schizophrenia. This was an especially useful tool for getting through the first year and a half. Writing things out allowed me to have more understanding about what happened. Then gradually as my depression deepened, as time passed, … as the wound started...
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tomorrow is Aaron's 3 months. i can' t fathom it has been 3 months without him. my partner dead, gone forever. it just hurts so much. i feel like my body is failing on me sometimes, i cant do much of anything anymore.
school is stressing me beyond belief. i fear i will fail, it scares me. i am trying so hard but exams are so painful. i have a chem exam tmw which hurts, on top of the 3 months i have an exam. 3 months. i fear i dont know what to do. i feel stuck.
i keep comparing myself to...
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My beautiful 19 year old son who was a 2nd year student in college in another state took his life on March 1st of this year. We are devastated. Our heartbreak is worsened by the fact that we think he chose this path was over a girlfriend who may have been saying she was going to leave. He struggled with social anxiety/depression that was undiagnosed by a professional---but readily apparent to us, his parents. Lots of regrets and I wishes going on in the home. Planning his celebration of...
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I am turning to this forum out of desperation and am having trouble articulating what I am looking for here. My 22-year-old daughter died by suicide in July 2022. She had struggled with mental illness for several years and I still feel intense guilt that I did not recognize the signs that she was about to leave us. On top of the guilt and unbearable grief I am overwhelmed by ongoing life challenges and crises. I feel completely alone. I have never had any community support and family...
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I have learned to ask for signs and it seems Helena always delivers something to me.
Sometimes it takes a while and this creates a special type of presence in me. I always have my ears pricked and it helps me pay attention to what's happening around me.
Grief brain can leave me forgetting what my sign was for the day, so I keep a little journal with the date and the sign that I've asked for. And when it is revealed to me I record that too. It's fun to look back on.
Yesterday, turned out to...
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Struggling to decide whether to stay in an unfulfilling role at work. (Between the economy, bills, and the saturation of IT professionals being dumped into the candidate pool, I hesitate to give up the security I have now) The last week I have had an old song stuck in my head 'Look What They Done to my Song, Ma". My mom & I used to sing along with the 8track to it every day on the way to school. Special times. I felt so sophisticated at the French verse I signed up it the next semester LOL...
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Have you ever had this feeling come over you and you find yourself talking out loud? I did that today. I felt like I had to say I love you out loud. I repeated it several times. Each time I said it louder. I glanced over at my son’s photos as I was saying it. That has not happened before.
My birthday is in less than a week. Every year my Mom calls and sings me happy birthday. Knowing that won’t happen this birthday is heartbreaking.
I'm grateful to have been directed to this site. I (and those who loved my sister--her adult children 29 and 23 years old and partner of 12 years) are devastated. No note or indication that anything was troubling her. She turned 60 in October and I'd felt her pulling back over the last year since we had some family challenges related to finances and care of our elderly mom. When I was at her birthday party I told her I loved her and missed our closeness. I asked her "to come back to me." She...
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Hi guys, my name is Shaka and I actually stumbled upon this forum by accident. I was going through a rough personal issue at the beginning of the year which honestly made me question my why for living. What made it particularly jarring was this is a very new occurrence for me; I had never questioned my life or path in life more before this (contemplate and plan, yes but a complete faith crisis, no). I did have brief suicide ideation and remembered my two friends, one in 2017 and the other...
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I'm going to walk the AFSP Out of the Darkness Overnight walk in June. Craig had only been gone less than 8 months, but I just need to do something. I would love to walk for your loved one too. if you share their name, I'll keep a list with me throughout the 17 miles.
My name is Ryan and on 3/31/2022 I lost my brother to suicide. I have been struggling to come to terms with it and to find meaningful support with therapists. With the anniversary coming up I am struggling on a daily basis and am looking for answers I may never get but more than that understanding.
Yesterday is the first time my husband and I visited our son's grave since we buried him in October. He is buried about 2 hours north of where we live. There is still quite a bit of snow there. It is a small cemetery in the woods. You can drive in in the summer, but we had to hike in a little way through deep snow. Once we were there my husband said I should make a snow angel, so I lay down over my son's spot and did it. It actually felt so good. Of course I cried remembering the day we...
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I was sitting in the nail salon just trying to pass the afternoon. I received a call on my cell phone which I knew was a solicitor based on the generic ringtone. That brought to mind that I would never hear Craig's ringtone again from my phone, and it was so sad. Just as I was thinking that, the next song played on the radio and it was his ringtone. of the millions of songs out there. it wasn't coincidence. Craig was watching over me and wanted me to know he was there.
I could not figure out how to rotate profile pic. I am using iPhone. Is it a function only available from a computer?
I've been reflecting a lot for the past few months. I've had a lot of talks with my therapist about every aspect of my life. I've been trying to make positive changes during a time when I'm feeling the dark pull to just give up and lay around, doing nothing. Part of that is trying to reconnect with my partner. We were already distant before my sister passed, and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
The problem is, I am also now dealing with the grieving process. I think he expects me to be...
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My son took his own life a week ago. He has been struggling since he was a child and has been suicidal for many years. He threatened suicide the night before he took his life. I blame myself on many levels I feel too numb to move
Usually I seem to feel angry with him when I am suffering a lot. Right now I have many medical issues, and a new one, just what I need. I see his smiling photo and I feel angry, and the other day said to the therapist, how many times have I said it, 'It's not fair, why should he get off not aging, leaving here at 56'? Then at the same time I recognize his suffering and how he couldn't stay. Then I get really sad. I go back to earlier in my grief and remember how awful I felt all the...
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Hi everyone. I am looking for a safe place to talk about things that I know a lot of people would not be receptive to the subject matter. For me suicide has been like an unwelcome visitor that keeps coming in when I had thought I locked the door. I have a strong family history of suicide, as well as a close friend ending their life by suicide.
I am hoping this forum will be a nice place to talk about memories of loved ones, sadness, and suicide without eliciting judgmental reactions from...
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Today marks my third year without my son. My first year was a horrible parody of his first year of life. I said goodbye to him instead of welcoming him to the world. I held a funeral instead of a joyful shower. I marked each "first" with tears rather than the joy of his first year of life. I cried so hard that I ran out of tears. I had not known that was even possible. I did not know how I would make it, but I took small steps each day.
The second year was different. I was...
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Hello. Looking for a little support I guess, from folks who understand. My sister ended her life just under a week ago. Four weeks ago my other sister passed away from illness. Going from two sisters to no sisters in one month is too much for me to handle. Everything hurts right now and I'm beginning to feel guilt. Please understand that my relationship with my sister has always been a struggle. We had great times, then bad times pretty much all of our lives. She had many mental...
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My Johnny had been married to his first wife. A big mistake that he more than corrected when after they divorced he married his current wife—-she’s the best thing ever.
Anyway, Johnny and this wife had been up here at the cabin and they were help me out by blowing leaves. During the time they were out working, the car key must have fallen out of one of their pockets. Their ONLY key. We searched and searched. To no avail.
Now…12 years later…I am trying to tame this hill by planting azaleas...
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How can it be 3 years? Some days it is like yesterday, and others it is like a lifetime ago. I started a letter to my son but changed my mind.
Instead on this 3rd anniversary, I want to thank all of you here.
I really do not think I could have made it this far without you all. The support, compassion, and genuine care are amazing, I appreciate all of you so very much. I wish we could have "met" each other in some way, and not through suicide loss, but we have learned a hard lesson about...
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I went to the grocery store today, The parking lot was almost full with cars. Many shoppers were in the store stocking up on items.I parked my cart out if the produce area because it was becoming crowded. It was like it was Christmas shopping all over again. People scurrying around like a bunch of chipmunks and squirrels gathering nuts . A snow storm is coming. Minnesotans know how to prepare. Well, most of us. I saw the photos the other day of parts of California with 500 feet of snow? Have...
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When my friend passed away, for about a year I stayed inside unable to socialize with anyone. Puzzles and music kept me busy. I remember getting to a point of feeling frustration with had happened, lots of anger, lots of confusion. I decided the only way to feel any way better was to take this situation and turn it into something else. So I left the country i was living in at 22 and moved to Texas to study Social Work. I wanted to help people like him, and maybe prevent someone else from...
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I keep reading so much about grief work and am wondering if anyone might be willing to share what this has meant to them? I just engaged a therapist but I am terrified that giving in to the grief or opening myself even a little bit to it would bring me to the point of no return. I have cumulative trama from childhood to this most recent horror of losing my son in a most violent manner. To even talk to loved ones about anything, I have to detach myself. I can recant things as if Iam...
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A few weeks before my son's passing, I looked into the mirror and had to stop and stare. In my head I knew looking into my eyes that one of my son's was leaving. I dismissed it.
After my son's passing, I cursed myself when I looked into the mirror. Feeling a failure in every aspect.
Then with time I looked into the mirror and did not even know that person. I lost my identity and self-worth. My eyes were so different, and the aging was undeniable.
With doing the work and going through...
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Hello everyone, my name is Jasmin. I lost my friend a little over 12 years ago in high school. I've never seeked out any sort of therapy or counseling, I've been carrying a lot of grief with me. I'm hoping this space can help heal and grow as well as connect with others
Feb 21, my husband took his own life. He was struggling with a sense of purpose since his retirement 2 years prior. He started drinking a little more and maybe even combined the alcohol with anti-depressants. I was struggling, thinking I didn't want my final chapter to be in this unhealthy relationship. Then a new Dr. switched his anti-depressants. A week later...
I know he felt like he was losing me. I just needed time. It had become a lot of work to keep him happy; it drained me. If I...
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My name is Blake and I am 32 years old. I lost my brother 8 years ago to suicide. I still deal with issues although the worse of it is behind me. I am trying to get more involved in communities like these. It is out of the norm for me but I feel I should utilize healthy outlets such as these.
I lost my husband in July 2022, we came home one night I asked him a question that i semi knew the answer to and he lied to me. I called him a liar then he finally told me I believe part truth, I told him he disrespected me and was a liar. I took my ring off and told him* I was done, but I wasn't*. I told him I was going to bed the next thing I know I woke up in the middle of the night looking for him and...
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All the regrets …. I can’t believe you are turning 20 next weekend. I miss you so much G.
I love you. .
I am sooooo sorry for being human and making soooo many mistakes.
I would do anything to change the outcome.
Friends,
I haven’t felt this kind of deep, to-the-bones dread about work in a long time and it’s starting to scare me that it’s not getting better as we come to the 8 week mark. Can anyone relate?
My whole family got covid a week after my father-in-law took his life (when it rains it pours) which forced me off work for 10 days. Since then I have only been working quarter or half days. At first I thought I was having some weird post-viral response when my heart would beat out if my chest...
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It took me a long time before I was able to leave the house after I lost my son. I thought maybe I was ready to get more involved in things (step back into life?) and decided to try.
Recently, we decided to try a large group gathering. The people were all very kind and friendly.
I always wear a memorial necklace when I leave the house. Well, I was talking to two ladies when of them asked, "What's your necklace say?" I told her and that it was in memory of my son who had died. He was...
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After my friend died I kept thinking to myself over and over again:
"I'll never see him again" "Oh my god I'm never going to see him again"
But I see him everyday.
I see him in the way the sun reflects off of the river as it rises in the morning.
I hear his laughter in songs of the birds as I walk to class.
I hear his voice in the wind as it blows through my hair.
I feel his pain and sorrow as the rain streaks down my window.
I feel his joy and happiness as the sun hits my face.
I see...
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I am looking forward to this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am always seeking hope.
Just found out my daughter attempted suicide for the 3rd time Jan and found out last night.
Will this ever end.!!!!
A good piece, she went to an AA meeting and says she is going back.
I have been wondering lately how many members are on this wonderful site. Does anyone know? Alliance of Hope is a special place to come to. I feel safe here and valued. I just want to thank you for being here. I feel loved and cared about . That means so much to me.All of you are so unique and wonderful in your own ways.Sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings with others is so helpful with this difficult journey.
You are loved. You make a difference! Remember you are worthy!
Thank you...
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I don’t know what I was expecting. But, when the intro message said ‘child, sibling or spouse.’ And then I came to this forum. I realised how many parents don’t do what ours did.
As I sit on my lunch break at work and reflect on speaking to a person I used to work with and who knew us as a functioning family with great kids and who taught some of my kids it brings back the complete shock of realising that my husband, their father went down in our paddock and shot himself with no signs that he was suffering a mental illness. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the shock that he has done this. I think of him in our everyday life and he did all the normal things of going...
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Today I choose her gravestone picture,as I cried watching her photos.I avoided looking at them because I cant stop crying,but today I had to...
And I went tonight and hugged her grave in the dark and cried and kissed her wooden cross.
Time doesent heal anything.Its just a big lie
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I had been dreaming about my sister for the first time since she died and trying to tell her how much I loved her and don’t want her to go away and woke up before I could say what I wanted to say. That has been one of the hardest things is the regret for what you wish you’d said more. My hope is that she knows even better now than she knew while she was here.
Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, April 2nd.
**This year, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.
Please note: The deadline for signing up will end at 6:00 PM Central Time on the Friday prior to any given call.**
Thank you for the positive feedback on the 2022 Community Sunday Holiday Calls. It was wonderful to be together in...
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Last week, I was back home in Texas visiting my mom and dad. On the way to their house after picking me up from the airport, my mom told me that she‘s been in contact with my estranged sister. I have 2 sisters. And up until last week, I didn‘t have contact with either one. Liz hadn’t had contact with us in over 20 years and she hurt all of us in different ways. However, after the death of my Uncle, my mom reached out to her with the strict intention of just informing her what happened since...
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I lost my son last March 13th and I’m just now reaching out for help to get me through this ….. my stomach hurts with grief
For the last three months since my brothers suicide, sleep has been an issue....I could fall a sleep but staying a sleep was tough. I was prescribed some sleep meds, but took them sparingly....in the last couple of days my day time rumination. Has been almost non stop....tonight I was tired and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up thinking about my brother and it scared me....I tried to go to sleep at 1030, and I'll could think about was being scared that I would not be able sleep and if I...
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Well, last week I posted that I was numb and it was so helpful to receive everyone's feedback. I think it helped me to be gentle with myself and get 'unstuck.' The last two days have been filled with endless tears. I still would rather feel than be numb, but I can now understand what others have said about numbness giving us a 'break' from grief. I've had endless tears for the past two days. It started when I was driving out to my mom's house to pick up some things, including the death...
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I was in a slump for a couple of days. So I wrote out a to list and went to bed early. But the next day I was up super early and tidied the kitchen and took a walk. Then I volunteered at the thrift shop for two hours. Then I ran a few errands and took myself to the casino. I like paying the penny slots with the “free slot play” they give me. I was around other people but also kept to myself. The sun came out for my car rides. I came home and tidied my garage. And as the sun went down I felt...
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I am still trying to figure out why my husband had started a bath and apparently forgot about it or was that some type of sign or signal? My first indication something had happened was when I rushed home to find water pouring out the side wall of our home like a waterfall. Was he overheating and wanted a bath to cool down and forgot or was it something else? Any insights or similar experience? (Because of this I have had to file an insurance claim to repair the water damage).
I never feel like I am doing enough for my family, for someone my age is supposed to be or even for my goals and aspirations. I am definitely not where I want to be right now. I am huge on growth, but specifically, when it comes to family, I have always had this underlying feeling of being the "black sheep". I am constantly judged for how I dress, my weight, and the work I go after (I found non-profit work and was told that I am being too picky with where I work, that is just so where I...
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I think this is a secondary wound, but I’m not really sure. I just know it is having a negative effect of me & my well-being.
So, I was bit on the hand by a dog a few weeks ago & it got very infected within less then 24 hours. I went to the urgent care clinic thinking it would be a quick fix. After taking a look at my hand they immediately told me to go directly to the ER.
This happens to be the same ER my brother was taken too; he was treated for 2 days before passing. I have managed to...
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It’s been 7 weeks since we lost my father-in-law. I called him Papa V.
I haven’t spoken to my own father in 6 years. I’m an only child and I was his baby girl. He was my best friend. But after spending the better part of my childhood & my entire 20s trying desperately to hold onto the good parts of him, to fix him, to try to “fix” myself enough so his insidious abuse might no longer affect me, walking on eggshells, contorting myself into a person he might change for — I finally accepted...
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We each and all understand the depths that trauma can cut. We know the unexpected triggers and intrusive thoughts that creep up when we are just hanging around, minding our own business. We know that it doesn't just vanish with constant distraction. It is intrusive and disruptive. It is incredibly frustrating to deal with, when all we want is to return to life and lthe process of living. There's really no one-fits-all system because we are all so very different. That being said, here is...
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The idea keeps coming up that I should write a letter to my mother, both from my therapist and other people and places.
Here’s the crazy survivor brain thoughts…
When I think about it, it feels like it’s going to be another emotional thing that rakes me over the coals.
I’m also afraid that if I get some kind of response, the response will blame me for not being more in contact, not helping more, etc. I can recognize this likely shows how guilty I still feel, in spite of knowing the things...
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Hi all,
I hope everyone is doing well, I have been quite absent for a while but wanted to share our family news.
I think I had mentioned that my daughter had sadly lost her baby at 14 weeks gestation, she was expecting again a few months later, now our beautiful grandson Oliver has arrived
He is such a joy.
As I have had my own struggles with overthinking and anxiety most of my life, the death of my son from at 20 year struggle with anxiety and PTSD, has intensified. My son had the genetics and epigenetics for the same thought patterns. There are so many times where my guilt and unresolved grief paralyze as I re-examine to paralysis all I should have done differently.
I think we some with these conditions may not give themselves grace as they had been struggling along with their child. I...
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This has definitely made things worse, especially through my grieving journey. I've had a few friends ghost me or stop talking to me simply because of my brother's death. One of my friends told me, "I think you'd be happier if you just moved on." This comment didn't help. I feel so lonely sometimes because I wish I had friends who understood and were more supportive.
I miss him. I just really miss him. I used to go mad at him for telling me what to do, and I miss that too. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I think "oh he's not here anymore" and then the blanket of sadness returns. I'm home today and my thoughts wander to what I should of said, what I shouldn't have said, how we both should have lived in the moment instead of co-existing through life lately. I thought we had everything, 3 healthy children who have grown into wonderful young...
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On 12/14/2022 I had a dream where my son came to me and told me he wanted to show us (our family) something. It was night (in my dream) and he wanted us to drive to an area away from street lights where we could see all the stars. He showed us a beautiful star constellation/galaxy. I remember colors of pink and blue/purple. I remember it was absolutely beautiful. My son told me the name of the galaxy but I couldn't remember it when I woke up. I thought it had something to do with...
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I’m still here. I don’t log in as often as I want to, but I’m still around and read posts.
Life has been going on around me, even if I’m still stuck in September when I lost my brother. I don’t have a choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other— my dad needs me. My two young children need me. I keep our household moving forward. I have a demanding job. In so many facets of my life I just feel like I don’t have any options, I have to keep going.
So I come here for the...
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I don’t even know if these are still a thing, but has AOH ever considered having a “chat room”? I posted yesterday that sometimes I don’t know what to say in a post but wish we could all just be together. I wonder if that might be an option?
Hi,
I am a 28year old female. I lost my beloved Dad to suicide 4weeks ago. I don’t understand how life can go on and I am so confused. Dad had no known mental health history and I thought he was happy. Even now, with the retrospectoscope I can’t see that he was sad. He had a very bad day at work and seemed to make a snap decision. Has anyone experienced something similar?
This morning as I woke up to start my morning routine, I took a look at the window where her photos have been taped for the past six months. I’ve been having plans to move them to a nice album to place in the same spot, next to the wall ornaments she gave me from India and my plant my parents got me in honor of her. This morning I decided, “It’s time.” So, I took them down from the window.
It was actually not as hard as I thought it would be. My window looks empty now, but in a way it felt...
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Leaving work and making the 1/2 drive home is always a challenge. My mind wanders and it always seems to lead me down the path of guilt again. When I saw my husband outside with his head in his hands, why didn't I go to him? That image tortures my soul. If only I had of got up and gone out to him, he may be still here. I feel so guilty that I did not know about his illness. After 27 years of being together how did I not see that he was suffering. I would have saved him a million times...
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My father-in-law took his own life 7 weeks ago.
He was a workaholic and a high achiever. His mental health struggles were only revealed to us 6 months ago and rapidly increased in severity - yet he strongly, persistently resisted professional help.
I was the only one in the immediate family with an intimate understanding of this kind of crisis - I’m an only child with a history of childhood trauma and have spent the majority of my life navigating a slew of severe mental health...
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My ex-husband has asked me to reach out to my daughter.
Looking for guidance on how to let her know i'm here When she is ready. The term he used Benign.
thanks
I lost my son to suicide 13 days ago. He had just told me the day before that after almost 3 years, he had relapsed. We had been here so many times before, but had also had years of sobriety along the way. He asked me to take him to the ER to be admitted to detox. I did, but for the first time due to not feeling well, wanting to tell my husband in person, etc. I didn't stay with him as I had all the other times. Looking back, I know I should have stayed with him to be his advocate. I don't...
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Hi all,
I am sorry to report that I suffered a relapse with alcohol. The relapse began at the end of October and my last drink was this past Friday.
Just passed the 48 hour mark. I admit to not working my program the way I should. It’s just so hard. I miss my H so much it hurts. It’s so easy to want to just numb your pain. But the thing is substances do not heal. They cannot bring them back. And the best way I can honor her is to stay sober. I know that. That’s what she would want.
Today was my first zoom group. It was great to see faces to those who have helped me these past months.
I am so blessed to have found this forum to help guide and support me through the act of suicide.
Spiritdecoder
On my first zoom call for AOH. What a gift. I felt heard and supported. I kknowi must move forward with my loss. I take steps forward and slip back.
This forum allows me to do both.
Thanks for all the support.
It just pains me so that my son is now a memory. I see him everywhere, yet he is not here. He is caught in the velum of time, perpetually 19. When I see his friends now, which happens infrequently, they are men. I am jarred by the fact that he too would be a man. Not a boy on the verge of manhood, but a man.
I miss him so, the boy and the man that his illness stole from me. I am so envious of mom’s that get to know their adult child. It os so painful to not be in that club with my son...
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I was attending a virtual AA meeting tonight as I have been making yet another attempt at sobriety. Today is day #8.
The thing that never ceases to amaze me about AA is that at least one of the topics of discussion is just what I need to hear that day. Today was no different. During tonight’s meeting, one of the readings was about acceptance and accepting life on life’s terms. The message was, “If you cannot accept what is, then you cannot be happy or truly find peace.”
Wow, that hit home...
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His memorial was four years ago today. It still feels like yesterday when I got that phone call.
And can’t get up. I just miss my boys so much. Connor’s been gone five years. Five years. How can that be. Johnny has been gone 1 year. I still go to pick up my phone to call or text him. A year and it’s still not real. The other day I answered the phone. It was a wrong number. But the man on the phone sounded just like Johnny when I call him and he had been asleep. It shook me to the core.
spring time. Planting time. A love Johnny and I both shared. Every time something is blooming I want...
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Last week 18 months passed since my daughter passed away. Somehow I'm still getting past each day though I often wonder how. I like to do little things that make me feel like I'm with my daughter. Though she was not a runner, I have become one since she passed and I did another virtual 10K today. The charity that proceeds go to is the Suicide Prevention Life Line and I received a medal with Phoenix and semicolon in the design. My daughter had gotten a tattoo of a semicolon during her...
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My partner was battling depression and a few other things. recently he was expressing alarming behaviors.. yet i did nothing. i wasn’t the supportive partner he deserved and i wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. i’m beyond depressed and hurt and confused and i don’t want to accept this really happened, but i mostly feel guilt. i feel guilty waking up everyday while he is gone, i feel guilty doing literally anything. i see him in everything. he was my soulmate, he wasn’t met to...
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I lost my mom jaunary 22 2023 to gun suicide. It came out of no where and it really hurts.
Today more than anything. Today is my birthday and the people around me are excited but I'm just struggling to seem as happy. I feel bad not being as happy. I thought I would be ok but a couple of stressful family members + a long lasting power outage has made it really hard.
My birthday really hurts because it's the last thing my mom wrote on the calendar. It feels silly to get worked up over but it...
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Hi. I'm Gala and I lost my 20 year old son to gun suicide on Nov 14, 2020. Every time I think I might be ok, I'm not. But before it was 2 years, everyone around me understood that, but now everyone seems to think I should be on the road to a normal life. First off, I don't think I will ever feel whole again, but second, I'm just not even close yet. I still haven't really proceeded everything, and I feel so alone in my grief
Well it been 6 months since I lost me 19 year old son, the pain I have been going through is unmanageable when I start to heal a little I get ripped open again, it’s like a bandage on a wound that keeps peeling open, friend I haven’t talked to in a while asked me what really happen and to know more in depth details and it was hard to relive that day all over again, to cleaning my sons room her and there, I keep having so many thoughts of that day . I cry myself to sleep hardly get it and...
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Hey survivors,
I lost my brother to suicide about 2 years ago. His 40th birthday is coming up in about a week; my family and I were wondering, what could we possibly do to help keep his memory alive and honor him without tearing ourselves apart? The hard part is that we all express grief differently and are in different stages despite it being two years. I usually express my grief privately, whereas my mom wants to do something as a family. Any help, stories, suggestions, ideas would mean a...
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Three months ago today my 17 year old daughter died. Her name is Jillian. I miss her so very much. I hate the finality of this. No more hugs, no more getting to scratch her back before bed, no more of her loud laughter, no more taking care of plants together, no more amazing art from her, no more looking towards her future.
There is a giant hole in my heart.
...not sure what I may have done in a past life, but it couldn't have been good.
Wasn't even sure how to word the post as....it's wordlessly frustrating and difficult.
....my Dad will pass away soon and needs to be in hospice. Other family members are fighting me, the nurses, the doctors, and hospital, tooth and nail against it even though my father is suffering terribly, confused, has to be sedated most of the time, tubes, wires and machines every which way, all buzzing, beeping, day...
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With my scientific background I am always deep diving into finding information and answers for situations I find myself in that I don't have knowledge about.
The AOH website has very good articles under the "Survivor Experience" heading that are specific to suicide loss and grief.
One of the other websites I have discovered on my grief journey is, "What's Your Grief". Their website deals with the broad topic of grief and loss. Many of their blog articles offer insight and really resonate...
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In the past, I've questioned myself many times about being deeply flawed, and even as recently as last week. Why do I witness so many struggling after so many years, and I'm fine. I miss my child, but I am still fine. That ever-present longing humming in the background, left many, many years ago and I feel nothing but gratitude - for him being part of my life, the lessons he brought with him, as well as for the experience of this awful grief. Yeah, I said that I don't resent the pain, I am...
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My daughter had such a compassionate heart…she “saw“ people, she was an advocate for so many who she helped uplift and give hope and give understanding. She used her art to bring awareness of social injustices, inequality and to champion human rights. She had the ability to connect with everyone she met on her journeys.
She fought depression along with mood disorders over half her life. Last Spring she got Covid which turned into long covid bringing on many debilitating physical issues...
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First time posting. I lost my soul sister and best friend 3.5.2017. Worst day of my life. Today I learned my inlaws niece, who was only 20, took her life last night. Both were so beautiful and full of life. Both suffered from mental illness. Both must have been in so much pain and sick of the darkness of winter to be able to do what they did. My heart breaks for the family and yet I'm thrust into the original grief of losing my Lanna. This sucks. Suicide sucks. I want to sleep thru the first...
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Could Alliance of Hope ever have an app for cell phones? I typically log in from my phone.
I was having a very down moment this afternoon, thinking about just how heartbroken I still am over my sweet H. It is yet another new month without her here.
I have had a rough go of it really since the end of April of 2021. The loss of a job I was at for nearly five years and the death of another close coworker. Two weeks after that I was hospitalized with alcohol withdrawal, which was followed by over three straight months with no income whatsoever. When I met H when I finally found a job...
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My best friend committed before the end of July so they have been gone for two semesters now. I am having a hard time dealing with this as I still live on the college campus where we met. We were originally suite mates and that's how we became friends. Its hard seeing people on campus who either I have lots of negative feelings towards, or people I know hurt my friend. Or people who I saw at their funeral like professors and such. I dont even know how to describe the anger, anxiety, and...
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Today, March 2nd, is the one year anniversary of my Mom’s death. While this has been an arduous year, I can also say that I am proud of myself for getting through it and not losing myself in the process. This is the first of many anniversaries of the worst day of my life, but I will continue to do my best and let myself have my bad days while also managing to appreciate the good moments…however fleeting they may be. I miss you Mom, but like I told you, I’ll be okay.
It was 8 years ago tonight that Kris left.
Some days, like today, bring it all back in vivid detail. The countdown to the moment he left, the calls and texts going back and forth, and then the silence. No answers to be had.
Hello,
Ever Since my best friend died at the age of 20 only a few days before our shared birthday things have been difficult. (one of my favorite memories of when we first met each other they thought that I was joking with them that we had the same birthday, same year same day same everything ). We had silly birthday bros nicknames for each other. Its just been so hard, they were the person that I would talk to about most things in my life. Things I literally have only told them, we...
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I'm a mom to four boys. My baby who is 27 shot himself a week and a half ago. So hard, so lost, the guilt, the anger, the hurt, the darkness is unbearable! Tomorrow, I pick up his ashes, go to the bank to close his accounts. How do I do it when I just want to sink into a dark corner and just cry? How am I going to go back to work and function on Monday when I can barely get myself out of bed?
I feel so numb that I wish the raw emotions were still here. At least I would be feeling and remembering. Numb is not a go to feeling for me so it’s especially uncomfortable to be in this state. And as strange as this may sound, I’m pissed at myself for being so disconnected. I have experienced so much trauma in the past and always remained engaged with my emotions and thoughts. I still functioned. Now, I can barely put two words together on paper, I have no focus, and I drop EVERYTHING. The...
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I got the March newsletter today. There was a book suggestion “The Modern Loss.” After reading Amazon reviews I ordered it. I don’t have a review of the book but on the blog for this book there was a fantastic article that really was helpful for me. It’s about losing a sister https://modernloss.com/was-she-sick/
I’m having a really hard day. Really hard. Friday will be 3 months since my 17 year old daughter took her life.
I’ve been working again since early January because I have to, definitely not because I want to. At work today I just really got hit with the feeling of life goes on for most everyone else and I’m struggling to keep myself afloat emotionally. I watch other people scroll their their photos on their phones carelessly, not worried at all about seeing their child who has died for fear...
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It feels like almost everyone else has forgotten you. Which is an absolute knife in me over and over and over. Does anyone know what it’s like to dedicate your entire life and especially all your love into your baby, then raising them with tender loving care, loving them more than anything, caring for them and sometimes even living for them, only to have them ripped away! Poof! GONE! As if NONE OF IT MATTERED! I can’t beg or appeal to anyone or anything! You’re just GONE and there is...
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Life has recently consisted of being on a constantly spinning wheel of medical, medical, medical of all sorts and kinds. I can barely keep up with the massive number of medical consultations, testing, and lack of a precise diagnosis at the same time. Yet I decided, despite all this, to move forward with my plan to conquer the physical and get a grip on my overwhelming pain from all of my previous injuries and surgeries. I enrolled in a chronic pain program with my hospital and met twice...
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Hello, I am new here. I recently lost my son and have been searching for some kind of support and understanding. Found the Alliance of Hope through a search and joined. Thinking that a forum of people who have suffered through the same thing might be a good place to start. My deepest sympathies for everyone's loss.
Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, March 5th
This year, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.
Thank you for the positive feedback on the 2022 Community Sunday Holiday Calls. It was wonderful to be together in real time and to put names with faces. In response to your requests, we have scheduled more opportunities for forum members to get together in the coming year...
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I’ve talked about the healing of having a good scream in the car. I used to yell my sons name with the top down on my convertible. I have a new car but still say his name, though it’s not quite as dramatic. (Always wonder if anyone heard me on those stretches of road lol)
Tonight I left the mall, It’s a blustery night and no one was around. I called out my sons name as if I saw him and yelled it across a room. It felt good. It felt natural. It felt right.
I will always say my sons name...
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Nothing special about today, no important dates.. just sitting here looking at some youtube videos, and stumbled on one of the songs he used to listen to in the months before he left. Flora Cash, Somebody Else, if anyone was interested.
AND it all came back. This happens at unexpected times for me.. Obviously things have improved, and life goes on...but the pain never goes away. Just the quality of the pain has changed, if that makes any sense.
Mason was born on 1/29/1992. He left on...
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I have been structuring my whole life around isolation and avoidance for quite a while now. It is making me mentally and emotionally unwell, and my life has become very barren.
Have any of you experienced this, and the loss of support networks associated with this behaviour? How do you re-enter the world and connect with other people again? It’s overwhelming. Have you managed to overcome it? What is it like on the other side?
There are opportunities for connection, but I find myself afraid...
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I'm new to this... My friend committed suicide a little over a year ago. It's been really hard for me. I feel guilty. I feel alone. Somewhere along the way I've forgotten how to be happy.
I was talking on the telephone with one of my sisters the other day. She said to me out if the blue that I was wallowing in my sorrow for a long time. She repeated again that yes I was. She then proceeded to tell me that she can hardly wait for my son to tell me that he is not going to have any children. My sister’s only child told her about four months ago that she is not going to have any children.
I do not want to talk her anymore or even have a relationship with my sister.I think she is...
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Is it normal to know or be related to 4 people that have committed suicide? This fourth one pushed me over the edge, like…is it me? How many people have had 4 people in their lives commit suicide??? I was not active in these peoples lives at the time they took their lives, so if I had been, would it have happened?
Yesterday was my sister’s memorial service. It was a very long day with emotions all over the place.
I had hoped that being able to see my sister one last time would bring me comfort…but it wasn’t her. She wasn’t in the body and it didn’t look like her.
I cried and cried and cried. And laughed and smiled. How very confusing to feel all these things back and forth over the course of the day.
It was good to see family and friends, but also not good because the reason we’re gathered is...
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Hello, opening up about this is new territory for me. I am usually a private person, but this type of grief is something I can not deal with on my own. I thought my days were supposed to get better, but it gets worse and worse every day. How do you guys cope with your grief?
The other night I had a rather painful, yet cathartic conversation with my ex about my H.
She knew the way I talked about her that I had feelings from the beginning. I didn’t want to openly admit it until, very sadly, she passed away. I still remember getting that phone call from my ex coworker. “I don’t know if anyone told you, but H passed away. We don’t know the details, and we were originally going to keep it within the company, but you were part of the team.”
7:58 PM on 6/11. I will...
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I had to say “good bye” to my Shasta pup this week. It has been an amazing adventure from a street dog in Costa Rica to the best running buddy a girl should ask for.
She has been there helping me cope & literally out run my demons (grief, anxiety, depression, guilt etc.) for the past 10.5 years. When I was at my lowest, at times unable to get off of the floor she would lay with me no matter how long until I was able to get up & pretend to be ok again.
Its going to be hard to figure out what...
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I’m struggling right now and I think it might do me good to share with others the things I’m not mad at my dad for…
We had a complicated relationship due to his alcoholism, but that man really loved me. I felt it, always.
I have a brother that is not my father’s son, he’s 6 years older than me. My brother was my dad’s first child. He was an amazing step-dad from what I hear. Even after my mother and father split, he loved my brother as his own. He never stopped trying to spend time with...
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I introduced myself about a week ago here. I’m 22, my dad left 4 years ago. After years of avoidance I am starting to process his death.
The last couple of weeks have been incredibly difficult to get through. I’ve been missing a bit of work for mental health days. My mental state has taken a toll on my body as well and I’ve missed several weeks because I’ve been so sick. Yesterday at work, someone started talking in explicit detail about a suicide carried out in the same manner as my...
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Wow, I am overwhelmed by this loving and supportive community! I wish I researched for more online support back in 2021 after my son took his life...back then I was looking for spiritual grief counselors and unfortunately had no luck so with the support of my husband I went through the ups and downs of the first year. I am here to offer my support in anyway I can. :0)
My husband will be speaking at my sister's funeral this Saturday. He asked if I wanted to speak too, but I said no. I don't think I could do it, and I didn't want to spend my energy worrying and anxious about speaking in front of a large group of people. I want to just sit and listen and be in the moment. However, I did decide I wanted him to read something I wrote. This morning I sat down at my computer and this sort of just came out, and I wanted to share.
Stephanie isn’t just my sister...
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Lost my husband by suicide it’s been 5 months I thought by this time the pain would be more variable but it’s not. The days are long and I feel like drowning with grief. I’m just waiting to stop feeling this sad but don’t even know what would help. Just looking for that light at the end of the tunnel any advice ?
This photo was taken at my parent’s house within days of my husband’s suicide. A picture speaks a thousand words. My husband suicide was planned for a long time I now know. One part of his plan was to get me something that would make me want to keep going considering my own past mental health battles. I don’t really even like dogs, I’m a cat and horse person, but he got me this Dane at 7 weeks old and we love each other from the depths of our souls. My husband used to make fun...
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I don't have to believe in the existence of oxygen just because I cannot see it, but it certainly doesn't make it not real.
Daily Way – Suzanne Giesemannsuzannegiesemann.com
"I caught a falling star last week
It landed in my net
Its glow was slowly fading
So I nursed it back to strength
I fed it all the memories
Of laughter that we shared
And held it in these arms
That kept you safe when you were scared
I read it all the epic tales
Of storms we had to weather
And wrapped it in the layers of love
That hold my heart together
But then I quickly realised
It belonged up in the sky -
That sometimes when you love something
You have to let it fly
So I’m loading up...
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I found this book, which I believe I first heard about on this forum, very uplifting. The full title is After: A Doctor Explores what Near-Death Experiences Reveal About Life and Beyond. The book gave me hope that my daughter's consciousness continues. It also reinforced for me that the paranormal experience I had, when my daughter came to me in the night as a brilliant light and I felt her joy, was real. Dr Greyson has been studying near-death experiences for decades and takes a...
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Two thoughts on suicide prevention:
- Admittedly, I'm very new to this world, and I was clueless before. I'm open to that.
It seems to me that prevention's message is "all suicides are preventable; you can do something - reach out to the person, watch for signs, "get them help." ("Get them help" is in quotes because what that actually means and whether it is doable is nebulous, in my opinion.) The implication is that there is something that can be done and that each of us is responsible...
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Someone (with 3 healthy grown children) said to me recently, “It’s more common than you know.” After immediately forgiving them, I wondered, “Is it?” Except for the people here (for whom I am so grateful), I know no one personally who has lost a child to suicide. I am an island.
How common is it?
I may have posted this before. I wrote this days after my Johnny died. It just caught my breath and I decided to post it here. (Maybe again).
My boys have laid down their pain.
They have laid down their struggles.
They are no longer burdened by their problems or difficulties. No hurdles to cross. No bump in the road to slow them down. No unexpected hardships, detours or blockades.
No more disappointments or depression or sadness.
They no longer have to worry about plans that have gone array...
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Remembering & honoring one of the greatest men I’ve ever met. The love of my life. My best friend on earth and in heaven.
Jordan, your peace fuels the healing of my complicated grief, but I know I will ache forever.
2/24/2023 - 2 years without you
I mostly felt numb, guilty and devasted during this grief journey, but I just reached a point where I am sooo angry at the world. Not at my friend. This just is not fair.
I miss my friend so much. It feels like everything is falling apart when the person you care about dies, and who is the person you want to talk to the most right now. I don't want to bring politics into this, but the personal is political in this case. Why are there so many barriers for young adults to succeed? Why is it...
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Big Brother, my dearest bubba,
Tomorrow I take the platform again and I approach it this time with a lot more calm and a lot more clarity. It’s never about whether or not I take a trophy but outdoing my previous meet performance. The only competition that matters is the one against yourself. When I step onto that platform, it becomes a lesson in mindfulness. My hands feel the cool steel of the bar, my eyes see the judges who give me commands, my ears hear the music and my peers cheering me...
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Last night I spent the evening with my beautiful firstborn. It was much needed one on one time, full of heartfelt conversations. She expressed to me her struggles as of late, I sat with her and supported her as best as I could, she thanked me for listening to her and went home. Today she called me and told me her dog needs an emergency vet which is going to cost money she didn’t have and made comments about giving up. I told her I would come by after work if she wanted company, she agreed to...
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my dreams of my boyfriend who died by suicide always leave me feeling out of body the next day. usually, I have dreams where I am either chasing after him and he wont turn around and stay with me, or I have dreams where he tries to convince me he's alive. he will fully tell me in the dream that he's alive and was just pretending to be dead and that he's with me. I wake up feeling like we were really together, and it breaks my heart that he's not actually here. well something interesting...
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and I actually feel relief. I don't think I will ever really know ALL the answers but specific questions I had about final moments leading up to my uncle's death and the actual event have been finally answered. Today I used a grounding technique I had learned from counseling where when I'm feeling hypervigilance, I take a moment to 'ground' myself by: identifying a smell, feeling what my body is doing, finding five objects in my sight, and identifying a sound I heard. My sleep sill suffers...
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I fly out tomorrow for my sister’s funeral. I keep procrastinating packing. It’s not a trip I’m looking forward to and I know everything is going to feel so much more final on Saturday. This will be the last time I’m flying home to “see” my sister who won’t actually be there.
Seeing her was what I most looked forward to when going home. Whenever I flew home it was to see her. Yes, I’d see my parents and other siblings too but she was the one I spent most of my time with. Everyone would...
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I would have found it very hard to love myself in the following months, even years after my son died. If anything I hated myself. I was his mother and I SHOULD have known…..It took awhile to forgive myself and appreciate my own self worth.…We matter, you matter and are worth self love.
*On those days
when you miss someone the most
as though your memories
are sharp enough
to slice through skin and bone
remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you
and do that for yourself...*
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It's been 10 weeks since I lost M. The calls and texts have stopped. I am grateful for the solitude as most just wanted details of my loss and move on to the next . I have found they do not want to know how I am really doing, for that would take time, a commitment of sorts....'Call if you need to'......'Let me know how you are'......'when your ready to tell me what happened ',......Seriously, I think not.
Part of me died December 12th 2022 with M. I am forever altered, my future...
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i am a 21 year old college student girl. something that's been extremely difficult and disheartening for me is how many people around me joke about suicide. clearly, it has never happened to them because they wouldn't be laughing otherwise. just yesterday at work my coworker made a joke about doing it cuz her day was hard. I've even heard my PROFESSOR make a suicide joke. when it happens I take a deep breath and remind myself they arent trying to hurt me- they are close-minded and will never...
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That when Connor and then Johnny got to Heaven that my mom and grandmama judged me harshly that I was such a bad mother that two of my sons killed themselves. This causes me great anxieties
Hi there, I was wondering whether it is possible for everything to just become too much to carry up to 2 years later. At the time of my mom taking her own life, I had to put on a brave face for my daughter, and just kept trying to live life as best as could. I have been pretending I am ok for a little over 2 years now, and something just triggered me the other day and I feel like my world is falling apart. Its like the finality of it just hit me in the face. I will never hear or hug her...
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Idk what to write here I am struggling to grasp why I need to be here. But random suicide reasons in a list for people who will never read it. Physically abused as a child, dad was deported came back we bonded I watched him die slow In my arms, sister killed herself, was married wife left me after son died for a hard drug dealer, made a mistake in my new marriage when we first started dating now I wonder I'd shed stand with me if she knew, speaking of which found out said wife is cheating on...
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We had a memorial Sunday, at a local park, for my son. I was shocked at how many people came. He was so loved by so many and yet it wasn't enough. That is probably for another post. I was shocked to meet his psychiatric nurse practioner. My friend is also a patient and shared with her that my son died by suicide. The Nurse did introduce herself to me and we had a short conversation. People were interrupting to tell me goodbye. She was noticeably upset as my son had been seeing...
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I am new to this site. I lost my son on 2/20/2022. I hate to say what he did, but he took his life by shooting himself in the head. Mine and his story is a long story, I really don't know who looks at this, I would like to share, but it will take a minute for me to figure out if this is the right place for me. I struggle daily. He was number 3 out of 6 children, my whole family is devastated and are having an extremely hard time coping with the loss of our dear beloved Jaron.
My brother suffered from many mental health challenges, all of his life really, but in the last decade or so he endured a crippling, unbearable, devastating anxiety that alienated him from friends, family members, affected his ability to work, missed or suffered through important events in the lives of those who loved him, destroyed him and his life from the inside out.
Small changes over time become amplified when looking backwards from where we are now. Once a disaster has already...
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So I’ve shared previously that one
Of the most significant songs that reminds me of my dear H is “Scars to Your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara.
I was in that musical mood this afternoon and when I typed in the song, “No Scrubs” by TLC came on.
Which honestly, if I had to write a soundtrack of my life, that would be the first song.
Coincidence? I think not.
I think jealousy is of the subjects people talk about the least, because it's ugly, bitter and it changes how you see the world. How you see yourself.
I hate myself for it. Am I monster?
I've read it's actually normal, but sometimes I wonder if I'm sick in the head. How could he do this to me? How exactly could he go out without saying nothing to my mom, to my dad, to me as his little sister? You don't just do stuff like this expecting people not to feel angry.
When I look...
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My sister killed herself and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I don’t understand why because she always seemed so strong to me. She was always laughing and joking and everyone loved to be around her.
I’m sorry for our losses, but am grateful we are here for each other.
We split and divorced almost 15 years ago. Even though we share children I’m surprised I’m affected to the degree I am. He died by suicide in 2022. I’m going through all the stages of grief and a range of emotions. The waves are not as big as they used to be, but they keep coming. I’ve acknowledged they likely will for the rest of my life.
Our daughter (21) contemplated 2 months after. I have had a whole range of...
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Have others here dealt with mental health issues that pre-existed your suicide loss?
I've been depressed (and for much of my life suicidally depressed) since childhood. My therapist is keen to make sure my grief doesn't slip, unnoticed, into a fresh episode of major depression. But when she asks me questions about it, I have no way of distinguishing between grief and my "normal" symptoms. (I have been in remission for almost a year due to intravenous ketamine treatments.) For context, my...
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One positive aspect of being retired to have time to give into my love of watching music videos on YouTube.
Here are a couple of my favorited nature and music video's rom the past 24 hours.
My best friend is a big-time birder. This is live feed from a webcam at a resort in Ecuador with hummingbird feeders. Up to 16 species of hummingbirds visit the feeders. Periodically it will rain. It makes you feel like you are right in the rain forest. Especially if you watch it on a large screen smart...
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Hello. I am sorry that I am not good at this. I am new here and I am here to find comfort with others who can relate. I am also trying to find a way to survive this and to function on a daily basis. I thank you so much for this forum.
looks interesting exercise,better sleep ,careful eating, meditation etc
please see 8 Lifestyle Interventions That Could Benefit Major DepressionStart with exercise, mindfulness, and better sleep habits.www.psychologytoday.com
I'm having a lot of trouble sorting out my feelings and even sometimes knowing what I'm feeling. But yesterday and today, I have felt terrible about not feeling as terrible as I had before. In the moment, I feel as though I've already accepted my son's death (it happened three weeks ago) and moved on with my life. That feels wrong. Last week, I felt physically ill and exhausted even though I wasn't sick. Over the weekend, I did a snowshoeing trip with a friend, which helped me feel better. I...
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He died without any signs prior, i feel like i can't even survive this. I feel like i died with him
If your loved one has experienced a psychotic episode, you know how scary, helpless and traumatic it is. You don't need to read this if it is triggering for you.
My son's drug of choice was cannabis. In hindsight, I did not recognize he had an addiction, as he was able to function but less and less optimally over time. He eventually started using high-potency marijuana (dabs, wax, shatter). His mood darkened gradually. Add in some LSD and he had a psychosis that changed everything in his...
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I know it is well-established now that trauma can affect your body. I have had stomach pain basically every day. Sometimes it's better than others but usually it's persistent and bad, regardless of what I eat. I try yogurt with live cultures and probiotics. Ginger tea helps a little. Anyone else experience this?
I returned to work yesterday and it was difficult but I survived. I work in the field of pediatrics which requires for me to be animated, positive, and reliable, amongst other things. One one hand, work was the distractor I needed, but on the other hand, I had an experience with a parent who was demonstrating high anxiety herself and crying for half of the session with her child, and it was hard to not absorb her emotions, especially since I'm having a difficult time managing my own...
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My mother was mentally Ill. There is a lot of deep generational trauma in my family. My mom used to be good to me when I was a little kid. But it all went downhill when I was in middle school. (I’m an adult now). She started hitting me and telling me she wished she’d never had me. She would throw things at me, hit me in the face, kick me while on the ground from being hit, she pushed me into a bathtub for waking her up in 7th grade. She called me awful awful names and did everything in her...
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My stepdaughter chose to lose her life a month ago.
Looking for tips on how to respond to my partners feeling of guilt and blame on himself.
Hello. I’m not entirely sure what I should type here… I recently lost my mother to suicide. Because of the way she passed and the circumstances, our pet had to be put down. She (our pet) was left with no food or water. My mom used to block me often, so when I couldn’t get ahold of her, I thought I was blocked since we had been fighting. I didn’t know she had committed suicide until some time later when I called for a wellness check after reaching out to her friends and learning nobody could...
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Hi,
I'm a new member of this online forum.
It's interesting to find out about this website and I hope to hear stories from others, to learn more about everything and gain insights to help me deal with the depression problem of losing my father to suicide.
I lost him twenty years ago when I was starting uni. It was tough but I think I managed well, but little did I know that it hurt me badly deep inside and over the years the feeling is still there. Until now I may sometimes be triggered and...
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I started watching the show Shrinking on Apple tv+, there are some things in the show I can find myself relating to. One part of the show they talk about a way to get the grief you are feeling at that moment and kind of just getting it off your chest. setting a timer for 15 minutes and just crying. the character does this by listening to music in her room. I made a playlist of a bunch of the song my sister and I used to listen to together, yes, they make me sad, but they remind me of her and...
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Hi - just wanted to ask for some advice. I'm 5.5 years in and booked a holiday to Abu Dhabi last week because I really wanted to get away and have some rest and relaxation ( even though can't really afford it and my Dad is loaning me the money). Anyway, I found the holiday really hard. My 8 year old was very challenging with her behaviour (she was also ill to be fair) but was constantly arguing back with me, not doing as told, snatching my phone from me etc etc, list goes on, normal stuff I...
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Mental Illness affects myself and several of my siblings. But, my sister's illness was in many aspects the most severe and persistent than all of ours. It sounds strange but I'm grateful for my own mental struggles and for having suicidal intentions myself almost 14 years ago. This helps me have compassion for what she was feeling and experiencing. It helps me to understand that her death wasn't her fault. It was the illness.
I know many people say that suicide is a choice. That our loved...
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Today would have been my husband's 48th birthday. The 3rd o e that he is not here for. Although it has gotten lighter, today is just ahard day and night.
I love and miss you Darron. You will always be a part of me
Always your girl
Smurfette
It is difficult to function. My birthday is about a week beyond the day itself. This is the first time I have begun to acknowledge it, instead of going catatonic and shutting down. I feel like I have opened a dark portal, and it is always there with me.
I try to do little things with my time to disconnect from the dark portal and ward it away. When I become too tired to take care of anything, I give myself robotic commands to keep things going. It’s better than standing still.
I wrote his...
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I just joined to find some kindred spirits. I’m eighteeen months into this bleak new life. I lost my brother/youngest sibling - he was 35. We were estranged because I saw his mental health struggles a decade ago and urged him to get help. I have a bipolar diagnosis. He knew that. He also knew he couldn’t * me so he stayed away. Told me I was gaslighting him. Sent me a text calling me a *** and said we were done. The rest of the family supported his desire to sever contact with me...
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I hate that it happens. Right now I'm feeling off. I'm going to mention it to my counselor today, but I wanted to check in here as well.
Six days after my husband died I was in an elevator with a trusted family member. We were talking. He was asking me some minor questions, nothing too intrusive or pressing, however, I could tell I was being assessed. I did not mind because I trust this person with my life. And he stated, "I'm just checking to see if you are right in the head."
I paused...
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Due to being under eighteen, I don’t have facebook. I’ve never used it. Today I logged into my dad’s facebook because I figured why not check-in on distant relatives. What I found broke my heart into a million pieces.
My dad had my sister’s name in the search bar when I logged in. I wanted to see her face and what she had to say before leaving. I scrolled to the point of the beginning. She only had so many posts and four of them were dedicated to me. I never even saw them. The words she...
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Everything is heavy, and none of it has become easier with time. I think that’s all I feel comfortable saying openly.
Once…when my Johnny was a little boy and he had done something with great kindness, I said “Johnny! How’d you get to be so sweet?”
My Mama responded, “sweetness can’t be taught, people are born sweet.”
That was my Johnny. He truly was the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.
Oh how I miss that sweetness
i’m 22. My father ended his life 4 years ago this past January. As I’m sure we all are, I’ve been coping to the best of my ability with frequent breakdown moments. I am not sure what triggered it, but yesterday I began reliving everything. I am feeling like i’m in a nightmare. Like i can’t breathe. i don’t remember the first few weeks after he left because my mother had me put on heavy sedatives. i have struggled with suicidal thoughts myself for a long time so she did what she thought would...
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Every morning since my 17 year old daughter took her life in December I wake up wondering who I will be today. Will I be the down on my knees sobbing mother? Will I be numb and robotic? Will I be silent and distant? Will I be angry and yelling? Will I be the employee who cannot remember a darn thing and is making mistakes left and right? It's been 11 weeks and I've experienced so many emotions on so many different levels that before, I didn't know existed. Which is saying something since...
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…..The world seems such a gray place void of all the brilliance and beauty he brought to this world and my life.
I lost my spouse 19 months ago and found this helpful post on FB last week. I put it on my desk and read it every morning.
May you be free today.
May you be free from guilt,
from regret,
from "I should have,"
"Why didn't I?"
"If only."
May you be free from
"I didn't get to say goodbye,"
"I should have saved him/her,"
"I will never be happy again."
May you be free from all that tortures you
and continues to keep you separate
from love
from life
and from the one you love that died.
May you...
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Hello! My husband and father to my two daughters died by suicide in 2017. I have had a hard time knowing where to find anyone with a grief experience similar to mine.
As many of you all did, I worked very hard to try and keep my husband safe and to get him help at many points over the decade we were together. Sometimes my efforts were successful and things would seem okay for a time but it was always short lived. He wasn’t physically abusive but certainly was mentally and emotionally...
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My dad died by suicide over 2 months ago. He was struggling post radiation and hormone therapy for prostate cancer. Working out the narrative and doing some reading about suicide/survivors. Weighing the 'he is not to blame' but 'he is responsible for acting' 'albeit with a clouded mind"... He used hanging, at home. My mother caught him just as he was leaving solid ground... He looked in her direction but I want to believe he did not really 'see' her as was in a 'suicide trance'? Apparently...
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There had to be a reason for it all. Why would such an amazing person with such an amazing bunch of people surrounding him decide to leave?
I searched for the answers because that's what I had to do so I didn't blame myself, blame others, feel guilty for everything I did to protect my children from a mentally deteriorating man. With an answer there was logic and with logic there was comprehension. I could move on if I knew 'why'.
His family raided the house after he died by suicide. Took...
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Hello, I am here for hope and healing. Our 39 year old beautiful son died by suicide over 2 years ago. I have been working through the anguish and have made many breakthroughs. I am mom to another adult son, grandmother to my deceased son’s 4 children, and wife to my son’s Dad. Now that the immediate crisis is past, and I am no longer in the immediate need to help everyone else, I am left with my own broken heart. I constantly feel protective of him. He was married for 18 years, so she, of...
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In the UK there is a woman missing called Nicola...for those who aren't in the UK.....and the media frenzy over this has been massive - but even worse the speculation around her disappearance. She has a partner and 2 small kids.
They released the other day the information that she had (apparently) an alcohol problem and I immediately started having flashbacks to my dad who began to abuse alcohol just around the time my mum got cancer. She was quite ill, and he disappeared for 24 hours and it...
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I've found that as a Suicide Survivor all areas and feelings of grief and mourning have been much more intense, distressing, confusing, painful, and devastating than losses by any other means. I could not hazard to answer 'why' to that than any other of the 'why's that have plagued me since this occurred. Since I lost one of the most beloved persons in my life, my brother. As I'm mentioned previously, I do not know the reason why, I only know that it is so.
It's 5 months since my brother...
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i've always felt really moved and inspired by wolves, their howl, their mystery, their wildness, and their kinship to the beloved doggos in our lives. not long ago i stumbled across an org that helps conserve them. been finding their vids and pics very, very soothing
https://www.instagram.com/wolfconservationcenter/channel/?hl=en
https://www.youtube.com/user/nywolforg/videos
Next Saturday I’ll be competing in my 4th powerlifting meet. It feels different going in this time….this time, I’m way more relaxed and confident. It’s never about whether or not I make the podium, but more about out doing the previous performance. When every nerve in my body begins to resist wanting to lift because it’s tired, that’s when I truly come alive. That’s when I muster every spare ounce of energy my body may have hidden away and start mentally talking to Josh while I hold his...
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I am thankful for this forum, even though it has been a long time since I've posted. It will be five years in July since I lost my husband of 17 years. I feel like I am living a dual life. One in the past and one trying to move forward. I've been to a lot of counseling, spent so much time trying to heal and have, at times, done well. Other times, and I don't know or can't predict when things are going to creep their way back into my psyche, I feel I have little energy to do the things I...
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( My brother and I lost both our parents young-Dad took his own life and we watched our mother tortured with M.S untill she died. My brother also took his own life 15 months ago.)
I see it now....
I was not all together before you left..
I mean I knew, but here I now see.
Together we share a shattering that happens to a child,
to a heart, to a mind, to the brains neauro chemical patterning,
when tragedy leaves one severed from there roots.
With the unawareness, innocence and...
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I'm done! Since losing my wife 9 1/2 yrs. ago my drinking habit went from about a drink or two a week prior to losing her, I could go months with out drinking a lot of times throughout the yr. My go to was drink is beer, In the beginning I drank 1-2 beers a night to cope and fast forward to about 2 weeks ago I was about 12-16 beers a night. I am 16 days sober today and feeling great, I don' t have the urge to drink or go out and buy beer. I realized months ago once I started drinking...
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I have a little wooden decoration that my son gave me many years ago. It reads, “Step into my garden; my flowers want to see you.”
He always knew where to find me early in the quiet mornings of Summer. I can still remember how it felt to hear the swing of the backdoor opening, knowing he was on his way to see what I was up to. He’d pop his head around the corner of the garage with a smile, then he’d stroll into the garden, shoeless, in his white socks.
I remember how he’d get so excited...
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I don't know if I'm staying the idea of being here makes me feel nauseated and anxious.
My name is Tiffany and I lost my husband to charcoal burning suicide on January 11th, 2023. He is survived by two sons, 9 and 8, and a world of people who loved him and don't understand why.
Prior to his suicide he suffered with mental illness, not fully diagnosed. Two years ago I left with the shirt on my back and the two kids. We tried every which way to help him get help and reintroduce the kids in...
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I feel worse today. Last night I was so tired that I was grateful when my head hit the pillow, but I woke up 2 hours later with a pit in my stomach and started crying. I finally got out of bed this morning and I feel like I have the flu. My anxiety is through the roof because I keep thinking about what everyone else in my family must be experiencing, especially since each person had a very different relationship and memories with my uncle. I'm not geographically close to my family so my...
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"I see you look to the sky, as you think of your loved ones, and I believe, there is much power in that act. For at least a million others, are looking right now too. And that collective power, of loss, of love, is a wonderful thing to imagine. Imagine with me now, my friends, a million people with hearts radiating upwards, sending so much love, and a million souls radiating right back in response. In every given moment, invisible threads, consistently, continuously woven, all across the...
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It's been a rough 2 months for me. I lost my son on New years eve and just had major stomach surgery. All I can do right now is grieve and I'm taking everything minute by minute or it will overwhelm me. I miss Gabe so much. There are no answers just tons of questions. And now that I'm home and not working everything is dwelling in my mind. Any advice for a newly bereaved?
I posted in the Sleep and Dreams section about the beautiful visitation I received from my H last night. It was a very vivid, very real dream where we embraced and she truly looked like herself. And I swear I felt her touch.
When speaking to my mother about my dream, it dawned on me that she was waiting until I was ready for this visit. Because she knows. Our loved ones, who now reside up above, always know. They know what we can handle, as they are always with us and always watching.
It...
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My son's death certificate arrived in the mail yesterday, and his ashes are waiting for us to pick them up at the funeral home.
These are what's left of a quirky, contemplative, fast-walking, brilliant young man who was still breathing sixteen days ago. A piece of paper and a cardboard box of ashes. The manner and cause of death were obviously chosen from a drop-down menu by some poor person whose job it is to fill out and print death certificates. I imagine this person's position in the...
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Wow.
I just woke up from the most vivid dream with my Zuri yet.
I dreamt that I visited my old office where she and I worked at together. I wasn’t sure why I was visiting, and in the dream I was aware that she had passed away. I remember talking to a couple of others, then at some point everyone dispersed and I was left to walk around.
Something in the dream told me to open the door to what was her office. I remember feeling curious, anxious, all of the emotions. When I opened the door...
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Today I’m feeling extra angry and sad about this unasked for journey that was thrust upon us by the death of our 16 year old son.
My 14 year old daughter came home from school and started crying as she walked in the door. Her 8th grade class had their visit to their upcoming High School today. This is the same High School that my son attended. They were both looking forward to her being a Freshman and him being a Senior in the next school year. My son was excited about showing off all his...
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...I'd not known, cannot guess, at how to broach, explain, reason through, the tragedy that can plague our lives points in time that are ridiculous in infinite directions and in short order. I only know it is so.
My father, who is elderly and ill, will die soon. He has been hospitalized and I will fly out to be with him again when the time is near. I saw him recently and my only prayer was that he be released from the prison of a broken body with only machinery left to prop him, alive, but...
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Last night, while finishing up putting out fires at work, I got a text from Helena's best friend. She had something small for me and wanted to bring it by.
She stopped by and handed me a little bumper sticker that she had had made. And she took me outside to see her car which she had put these bumper stickers on.
The message was that I had seen on someone's windshield several weeks ago.
"If you are looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it."
And there was a little graphic underneath of a...
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... for many, at least for family members, the 'stigma' for mental illness has lessened. Not all, not always, but better than there used to be.
We knew my brother struggled with debilitating anxiety. There was no stigma in our family. We knew, he and I and other families, suffer with depression. I've seen a therapist and have been on antidepression medication at various times during the course of my life. We didn't know about his alcohol use disorder as it's something I could not overlook...
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I am currently reading Brené Brown's book "Atlas of the Heart" where she mentioned a term I had never heard before--"disenfranchised grief"--but felt so relevant to so much I have talked about with survivors who have lost loved ones who do not fall into our culturally acknowledged definition of family (parents, children, siblings, maybe grandparents and grandchildren). Over the last two years, I have met other survivors who have lost friends, cousins, friend's children who they raised...
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I am preparing to move back into our home in January and I would love to hear any advice from anyone that has found anything that helped ease them back into their home. My partner and I lived alone with our 2 dogs, and I was the one that found him in our basement about a month ago. I really would like to go back home after staying with family, and I am thinking of things like redecorating, putting up more lights, burning essential oils/candles, anything to help make the home a brighter and...
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Today is the 1 year anniversary of us buying our first home together, the same place I found him 3 months ago tonight. It really seems so cruel that we were so blissful one year ago. Celebrating with champagne and full of dreams and plans for our future.
It still doesn’t seem real most days as I walk down the same hallway he did one last time, sleep in the same bed I saw him in when I left that morning. It doesn’t make sense how quickly everything fell apart and my world was turned upside...
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Hello everyone. I know it is customary to tell your story for your first post on the forum, but - many of you will remember from when I joined back in 2021. I decided to leave the forum in Autumn last year as I didn't feel it was helping me 'get over' my loss. I now know that you never just 'get over', but the grief changes and I MISS you all and the comfort of this Forum.
For those who don't know - I lost a dear friend almost three years ago and had to deal with enormous guilt at...
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One day I hope to tell others the story of my brother's death. Though he died by his own hand-my story is different than many. Until I am ready to tell my story-I want each of you to know that I am here and understand what we all have in common-losing someone to a terrible situation. It has been almost 4 years since my brother died and there are days that my heart hurts as much as that ONE day! I have to remind myself at times that I am not alone.
One of the reasons I was open to joining the AoH forum was this community's compassionate policy on religious beliefs. Other resources I've looked into seem to assume we all believe our loved ones are now in heaven, or the arms of god, or at the very least still available to speak and listen to us.
I'm an atheist and a materialist. I don't believe in a higher power. I don't believe in any kind of soul (or even "energy") that's separable from the body's physiological functions. So when my...
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Do you know what helps me? I have a voice here. Thank you for letting me speak. Thank you for listening. We travel a lonely painful road. but to know that I can talk and have others listen is such a wonderful gift. I do not get that from my “family” but i get the support and love from AOH that my soul craves, so thank you. I want to be here to support you who cry out for support, love, and validation. I hear you!
Trying to be good and get some form of exercise everyday.
Went for a walk at the local state park with a small lake.
Just a few guys ice fishing, so very quiet.
Sun, blue sky and a balmy 37 degrees F.
Enjoying it while I can. Monday thru Wednesday next week 4 to 6 inches of snow and subzero temperatures......
I accidentally deleted the most recent newsletter that was sent to my email. I need a quote from Father Rubey for a friend- about not being able to love someone enough to prevent them from taking their life. Can anyone help me?
Dear friends,
I hope you are well.
My friend Steve ended his life in June 2021, and it seems to be a long road back to me feeling like myself.
I spoke with another friend on the phone last night, and our conversation took a turn.
I hate being a source of Concern to others, but I don't have the wherewithal to pretend to be OK.
How do you deal with needing space whilst also respecting others' worries?
Any help would be appreciated,
Poet.
I am facing two weekends of events. First some family arrives for a small ceremony that includes taking my husbands ashes to the river. This happens on his birthday. The following weekend is a Celebration of his life including a lot more visitors. As these times approach I am feeling so apprehensive but don’t know why. It has been 6 weeks today since that last casual I love you. Thanks to all here for your support.
As an undergrad I'd studied Dr. Maslow, his definition of Self Actualization, and the Hierarchy of needs. Given that was umptieth years ago and I can't remember where I've left....everything...this it would be a refresher course.
This quote by Dr. Maslow is one I did remember, maybe in that it seems counterintuitive, and a bit awkward sounding initially, but it does make me think:
Why should we want to be independent of others thinking well of us....people in our life...
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Today is one year since my beautiful first born son died. Every day, multiple times per day, I measure time by what was happening last year at that time. It's not something I want to do nor feel is healthy, but something that just is. In 8 hours from now we will be notified. My best guess (as we don't know all the facts, nor will we) he died about 4 hours ago. At this exact time one year ago I was at work and focused on the day ahead of me with no sense at all that my child was dead...
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Well....This has been a long time since I wrote about how I was considering returning to practice-almost a year....But today I have finally sent a few txts to some (At some point they were) regular clients informing them that I am starting-limited treatments. I am also recovering from torn tendons in my thumb so hoping that it doesnt aggravate its rehabilitation, but the "thumb" gives me a out if it is too much of a commitment-and if we have some devastating news we may be receiving.
We...
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Part of our healing process is learning to forgive ourselves and accepting the truth that we are only human. When you can get to this point hopefully you have come to the realization that we could not have prevented our loved ones from ending their lives. That the guilt and blame we heaped on ourselves in the beginning was false and just our brain's way of dealing with an act that defies all logic.
We talk frequently on the forum about being kind to ourselves, physically and emotionally...
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My daughter, Destiny, took her life on September 17, 2020. She was my only child and she died by GSW. It was my firearm.
Hi, just dipping my toe here and unsure how ready I am to engage with the grief of so many others, but I thought I’d give it a try. My son died February 1, 2023. He was not all that depressed; I believe it was extreme anxiety that compelled his choice. I myself survived two suicide attempts when I was around his age and still struggle with depression. I wish he had survived too.
I was driving to my daughter's house this morning to babysit. I was all the way in the right hand lane and needed to cross three lanes to get into the left lane to turn into her neighborhood. I started working on this a few miles away from where I needed to turn.
So much traffic on Valentine's Day!!
To my surprise, I kept ending up behind a car with a very special license plate!!
I couldn't help but think I was seeing a valentine intended for someone else!!
I will try to attach a picture...
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I am 41 years old. I lost my only sister and best friend this past Saturday. She had been suffering with a severe episode of depress/anxiety/psychosis. None of us suspected she was having suicidal thoughts. She has had multiple episodes over her life and we just thought this was the same as the times before and that she would pull out of it. 4 of us 5 siblings all have mental illness. I experienced suicidal thoughts almost 14 years ago during my first episode. So I understand the attack her...
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My sister is my best friend. She died at the age of 40, much too soon. She was a wonderful mother - but she didn't believe it. She was loving and kind - but she couldn't see it. She was loved by many - but she felt like a burden to them. She did everything to care and love her 4 beautiful daughters - but she thought she was hurting and ruining them. I loved her laugh and her smile. I loved her sensitivity to the feelings of others - but this in itself contributed to her pain because she...
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Since Max left 5 years ago, his aunt and I have bonded as friends. I think for both of us it feels nice to have someone close who was also so close to him.
Recently his mother (her sister) passed away, and with that she’s inherited a car load of boxes of her sister’s belongings, along with some of Max’s things from his childhood, and beyond.
I offered to help her literally unload this carload of things today. One of the things those boxes contained were his ashes…
It’s been 5 years since...
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I’ve been debating about posting for a few weeks. Last month was interesting because I stayed with family, and frankly, with kids and animals, I was in activity overload. Compared to being alone at my house with a work schedule set by me, it was a welcome distraction and reprieve from the enormous tsunami of grief. I’m back home and feeling it again, though not as intensely as the first few months. I lost my mom to suicide just over 3 months ago. The pain comes and goes and has softened...
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Hi Everyone, as Director of AOH, I receive quite a bit of personal email each day. People often share their stories, resources or make requests. I don't always get to respond to everything right away. Today, as I went through the mail that has come in over the last week, I found this beautiful video by Tony Lombardo. Tony's words inspired me and I wanted to share them with all of you on the forum.
Life presents so many challenges -- through sudden, traumatic loss, disease, natural...
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In many cases it seems that suicide is not preventable and too often inevitable. We did everything for my dad with treatments and medications and being there and letting him know he was loved and not a bad person, my mom didn't leave him alone for months. I read that suicide is thing that gets in your head and takes away all of your hope and makes you think it's the only option. Nothing could have changed his mind. He knew how to lie to get people not to worry. How could we have stopped this...
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So, yesterday was Valentine's Day, but still nothing special over here though. A friend and I were out all morning, shopping for nothing in particular. Just a girl's day and a cup of coffee.
At 12:23 my phone (which was in my handbag) send a SOS to my daughter and husband (1st & 3rd emergency contacts). I swear I didn't touch my phone, and it has a protective cover and cannot dial by accident either. Besides that, I don't even know how to send a SOS... Of course, my daughter called me back...
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I am not a clinician. I have spent the majority of my life working in the mental health field. I am familial with various mental health diagnosis. My friend who took her live just days ago, was most likely suffering from paranoid delusional thinking. She could not see that her thinking was delusional. She would not seek help. She said she was depressed, which she was. That coupled with the delusional thinking made it nearly impossible to get her to get help. How do you get someone help who...
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My body is messed up in weird ways since my mother died. My doctors assure me that it’s all likely related to grief and stress (I just had an appointment last week). Still… how long until my body is normal?
Are you experiencing this?
Here’s my specific symptoms that all started after she died:
- gums bleeding
- menstrual cycle all over the place- not regular, sometimes missing months, sometimes longer than normal, pms symptoms at weird times
- gaining weight despite working hard to manage…...
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Hi everyone, my name is Ben. My fiancé Austin took his life on Wednesday Feb 8 at our Texas home, he was 31 years old. He was a military officer and a doctor. He had be targeted by false accusations from his ex wife and could not see his children. We are currently waiting for the army to bring him back to us in Utah where we have our roots and where he will be laid to rest by his mother. My entire life and future just collapsed. I miss him so much, I feel guilty and I would love to talk to...
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I was told of this forum back when my son first passed, but I couldn’t bring myself to even type the words in the search box.
I’m here now, not a bit less broken hearted over the news I received on March 16, 2022 that my son had committed suicide. He was only 13! How at 13 do you make this choice?! I don’t understand his decision, and I’ve struggled every single day since then to not feel like I should have done more as his mother. He didn’t suffer from any mental illness. I wish I had...
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One month after my partner nabila killed herself has come and gone. It was not an easy day. I was highly emotional, going to pieces at the least setback, no matter how small. It was difficult. I feel like I was dumped in a hostile wilderness with no gear, no shoes, not even my glasses upon which I depend so much. I don’t even have a compass. I’m so confused. Easily overwhelmed. Today I am struggling to find meaning. Sometimes things seem so futile. I know I can get through this to the other...
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It hurts when a day that was set aside for love, arrives and your loved one isn't here to share it with you. <3
There are as many ways to survive being a Suicide Survivor as there are for those of us who must live through it, with it, accept it, and forgive it. For me, research-based studies/text have always been a refuge, for understanding and for healing. I'd come across this paper and thought others may find it helpful. A few of the findings that appeared most relevant:
"Editorial: The Psychology of Suicide: From Research Understandings to Intervention and Treatment
Behind each...
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This weekend, one year ago.
My son, his wife, a few of her siblings and significant others, my son’s best friend.
They all came up here to the cabin.
Had a blast. He had sent me pictures. It was clear the weekend went very well. Everyone had a great time.
When he got home, he texted me to thank me. Told me what a good time it was. He really appreciated having this place to come to, to get away from everything.
I heard from him the next day. Valentine’s Day. He texted me to wish me a...
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Mother of Connor, forever 18 on Jan 20, 2023.
I’m lost. This can’t be. Half my soul feels ripped from me.
I've been wanting to post for a while, trying to find the energy and wondering how much to say.
I wanted to be on time for once, like I used to be, getting birthday cards to a niece and nephew so last week I went to the store. I'm also thinking about Brian, his birthday is next week, after theirs. Innocently looking at cards for nieces, turn around to look at cards for nephews, big smack in the face; cards for all the men in your life and I looked right at one that said something like To...
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Hello. This is my first post to introduce myself. I lost my mother to suicide nearly 3 years ago. My daughter was 14 months old when my mother died, and while my mother threatened me with completing suicide multiple times when I didn’t do what she asked— like skipping my husband’s family Easter to decorate my house with her (I’m 37 years old)— I am realizing that my brain understands that her happiness was not my responsibility but that my heart still questions why me/ my daughter...
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One of the hardest things I’ve faced since Josh died is the resistance of letting new people in. When he died, I felt a sense of abandonment and even betrayal. My brother was someone I trusted with my life, who actually promised he’d never leave me…only to do just that. So it was hard to not only let others in but also it made me question just how much of my own vulnerability I wanted to share with those I’ve known for years.I started holding everything in a tight vice grip out of fear. I...
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I wanted to report some positivity in my life. This week even though I’ve been on this project for about a month was when you know what really hit the fan and my team was hit with a definitive deadline. It’s a big project with a very aggressive schedule. We had a strategy meeting internally and everything was laid out on the table.
Now I feel like I have things in control. I’ve been using my skills and I really feel such great job satisfaction in the accomplishments I’ve made. There’s still...
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It has been three months and my sister's loss hit me tonight like a rush of artic air and I cried. I asked my son to give me a hug. . My son held me. I am grateful he was here with me tonight. A father crying in his son's arms - may my pain wane as the day's go by.
Felt relief yesterday that I blocked everyone in any way part of Robert's suicide after ordering the police report, autopsy and ME report and pictures. I was shocked that I got the police report and it's facts so quickly. Heartbreak. Mike wanted to read it so I sent him a copy. That broke my heart because I knew it would break his heart again. The narratives of the roommate to the police and investigator were different than what she told each of us. But in each there was no mention of...
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I was raised skeptical and believed in science. Someone’s recent post about seeking mediums made me decide to post my personal spiritual experience since that heartbreaking day. Because I hope by sharing this would give others comfort and hope. I knew how much I needed that to survive.
I’ve gotten so many signs after opening my mind and my heart up. The most obvious sign I’ve gotten so far is from my home security camera. It sent me notification 3 times to tell me “detected a person...
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I'm honestly unsure where to even start. It's still a very fresh thing that I am experiencing.
I lost my youngest son in August of 2022 to a gunshot wound to his head. He was 13. He was home alone, because I ran his brother to practice and his dad was going to be home shortly after I left. The local sheriff's department did minimal investigating, but it was ruled as a suicide by the state medical examiner, and once that happened it seemed like any investigating that was going on stopped...
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I thought I had a handle on the grief but this week it hit me like a truck. I can’t get out of bed. It’s like it happened all over again. I feel like I’m drowning. My son was 18 when he took his life last year. I miss him so much. He was my youngest son and best friend. I need help coping.
Just learned earlier today that my son killed himself last night. He was residing in another state than where I live. I'm supposed to call a medical examiner in that state when I can.
Since the day I learned of my brother's death 3 months ago I have spent moments throughout the day crying for different reasons. I can feel the relief after the crying so I think it's beneficial. But I've never experienced this kind of every day crying like this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too dramatic; but my criticism might be my way of trying to talk myself out of my grief. This is real. Processing death by suicide is hard. There's one book that was recommended about the brain and...
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My dad lost his life to suicide last month while I had been helping him recover from a brief, intense, illness.
I think I've done as well as I can tending to my responsibilities of the life I've chosen, the duties of the life thrust onto me stemming from my dad's decisions, and keeping my head above the mud to keep slogging forward.
I'd recently begun to come to terms with the conditioning of my upbringing and reconciling that with what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I will do. It...
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Having gone through a lot of depression in my life - probably partly inherited given my dad and my grandad (maternal side) took their own lives, I have observed and been very aware of the shift in the conversation in mental health, and experienced it first hand..
From criminalisation of suicide, to silence and taboo and more recently in the last 10-15 years (probably partly due to social media etc) to a more open conversation and acceptance of mental health/illness.
However the reiteration...
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I'm usually here's the problem, make a list of steps and go down the list til I've tackled the problem. Move on. So when Mike called last Monday to say his brother killed himself in front of his roommate after they'd been fighting all day I began making those phones calls. We are on Arizona and Robert was living and died in Oregon. I have autoimmune diseases requiring lots of medical appointments already scheduled and I've been going to them. The end. I haven't been able to follow up...
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We lost our beloved grandchild almost a year ago. And last fall, an old friend died by suicide and my husband and I found him. These losses have deeply affected me, tried my faith, and burdened my elder years. Trying hard to focus on good memories in spite of persistent images and doubts. Counseling continues, but I do hope to connect with others who have suffered similar losses, and learn from you.
Hello. My son died by suicide toward the end of December 2022. A billiant mind, but not without challenges during his life. I miss him.
I heard this in a video, and now Im crying a ton. I dont know what my brother would say, I dont necessarily think he would want me/ us to be miserable, but I do wonder sometimes if he hated us. Evaluating the past, he showed nothing but love and worry, however, it happened after an argument, almost like in a "I'll show you" sort of demostration. Its hard not to associate causing this insane amount of pain and wreckage with hate. I'm just so sorry I didnt perhaps say something or do something...
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A wrinkle in my anger is that i knew she was suicidal. i am a psychotherapist and tried my hardest to help her. She was very graphic in her descriptions of how she would kill herself and would not contract for safety, even when she was a continent away. I am extremely angry about these things. I do not feel i was insufficient for the most part, because i did my very best to prevent her death. Mostly I just miss her, but today (I repeat, today) I am angry at her because i used to be just...
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Sometimes I feel like my family forgot what I went through. My mom always says things like “you werent married to him, get over it”. My mom will sit there and vent about all her issues or about my siblings. The minute I talk about what happened to me 5 months ago, Its ignored. I make the effort to go to her house and bring food, take her out, it goes to waste because she feels like her problems are more important. And I feel like my efforts are ignored and over shadowed by her problems.
Ive...
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I lost my brother last year. It feels like 5 minutes ago. Most of my close friends have no idea what to say to me so they disappeared. I was very close to my brother. We had just, 3 years prior, helped our parents get through the last days of their life. Then, he goes and I'm numb and in a constant fog....and wonder why I'm still here--not sure I want to be. It had been a curious and tricky week prior to his death. The police appearing at my front door to tell me and dropping to my knees in...
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I want to say there is hope. As hard as it has been for us two, the only remaining siblings, today brought a gift. My very much loved brother died in October by his own hand. At his funeral in November I spoke as I had at our
Mother’s funeral just three years earlier. The period from that horrible call on a Friday early morning to his funeral on a sunlit cliff a few weeks later was the most gut wrenching and painful time of our lives.
And then the beauty of a gift today: a close...
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I just got off the phone with the police detective. Even though my son left numerous notes and text messages there had to be an offical police investigation. Today it was confirmed my son purchased a gun the day before and had been in the store numerous times before in the last couple of months inquiring on how to buy one. As well Organized he had left everything, I knew this was not an impulse decision but rather something he had been planning for some time. I thought maybe this...
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I lost my twin sister to a psychosis induced suicide a little over a month ago. Leaving me and my family so lost in life. I know it has only been a month but i feel like things have gotten worse and maybe they will before they maybe one day get better. I feel like 3 days have gone by not a month. We all feel so alone in life and cannot truly see how we can continue living life. I keep reminding myself every hour of the day that I will never see her again, it is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on...
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I was just writing in my journal. First I wrote about having been sad yesterday and today, but then as I was writing I started to get so unbelievably angry. I was writing all kinds of four-letter words, cursing her out, blaming her for wrecking my life, calling her selfish and telling her to go f off. I found myself somehow hoping she could see me writing this. I do not like this anger but I believe I have to feel it. I hate this. I hate everything about this. What did I do to deserve...
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I have found that tattoos are remarkably helpful when I am really struggling. For me being able hyper focus on the initial design acts as a distraction. Some have taken just a day or 2 to design. I have a leg piece that I spent 6 months working on. When I found myself spiraling in hopeless I’d get out my pencils & work on it until my being settled back down.
Once my design is pretty much complete I email to my artist & he just keeps the file until I’m ready. He has both survived a suicide...
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Life goes on after suicide...the cars rush by...we rush to work ...the rent goes up...we do our thing ..but they are greatly missed. I love you Shea Tittle up in heaven waiting for me ..life will never be what it could of been. Just know you were and are so loved....MOM
I think I got a sign from my partner today. So, periodically when One of us hadn’t packed lunch (or didn’t want what we did pack) we would grab something. If we were in the right area I’d recommend Chick-fil-a. He would always roll his eyes & say, in a joking manner, “Um no! Did you forget that they don’t like your people.” When gay marriage came on the ballot here in CA Chick-fil-a spent corporate money against it. In response we (my wife, our family, & close friends) stopped going there...
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I haven't been on Facebook since I got the call last week about my dad. He was a very popular guy with a lot of friends and people who knew of him (senior class president, respected at his job) and so my mom has said there are a lot of people who have posted about him and on the funeral home page. I'm scared to look at them. I am wondering if reading some of these tributes from people was helpful to any of you in accepting your loss or if it was too triggering? Right now it feels like if I...
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I was in my head a lot today and felt like I should share this. Pardon the length. I didn't write it out first. I say unexpected loss as I feel this might also be relatable with drug overdose, accidents, and illness that takes a life unexpectedly. I am writing from the perspective of suicide loss.
When we lose someone unexpectedly, we are faced with a mountain after the shock begins to lift. When first faced with this mountain, it appears unwelcoming, unforgiving, and overwhelming...
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I wake at three to the bright full moon. Then clouds return as my mind settles back to bed like sutures ‘round a rough wound, caught by human need when what I want is in the stars. I sleep.
Up before dawn, I fold laundry. I make coffee. I light a candle. I open the little window in our front door to let morning air come through, merging our safe surrounds with cold nature.
What does it do to a mother when her child’s in the elements? I’m reluctantly learning.
There’s no controlled angle...
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It's closing in on 4 weeks since I lost her. I had been feeling decently ok for a few days, but today I woke up and for just a second forgot my reality and thought I'd just text her. then the truth sank in. I pressed snooze and went back to sleep. i think i had a nice dream about a fond memory or something but when the alarm went off again once more i was in vague unreality, am=nd then the terrible reality set in again. This time I had to get myself awake for a commitment, but to behest...
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‘My hands were shaking.’ Odd cloud resembling an angel seen over South Carolina yard“Everyone should know what that means.”www.aol.com
Since my oldest son (25) died by suicide I don’t trust my parenting anymore. I’ve always been the “active” parent which included being the bad guy from time to time. My oldest son (Justin) confided in me quite a bit and came to me for advice—look where that got him. I am convinced if Justin had a different mom, or was parented solely by his dad, he would still be alive. I am a worrier—to the extreme—and that HAD to have put pressure on my kids. I realize now they saw the world as a...
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My sweet boy would be 19 today. Instead of celebrating him, I'm crying. I hope to find the strength and grace to honor him today. I don't want to spend the whole day in misery. This is so hard...so painful - but I'm strong and I had the privilege to be his mom. So I guess today I cry and smile. I'll look for signs from him and try and find many things for which to be grateful. I love you Jakey - from the depths of my soul I will always always love you.
I lost my Dad 18 months ago when he took the decision to end his own life when faced with a terminal cancer diagnosis.
Has anybody else been in this situation?
she got me through the deaths of my two sons. Alerted my husband after I overdosed after Connor died. She saved my life. She was the best friend ever. I miss her so much already. She gave me love and comfort when I needed it so bad. I am jest so sad. I can’t stop crying. She was fine yesterday. Even this morning my husband said she eagerly at her breakfast. But I found her out by the garage. She had no wounds or anything. But she was gone. I want to think she’s with Connor and Johnny and...
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So I wanted to give an update about one of my recent posts. It is a sad update but here it is. My coworker who’s brother had a serious car accident just before Christmas passed away about two weeks ago. He was hospitalized since his accident and never made it home. I don’t know the precise circumstances but he had a lot of health issues and sadly he lost his battle. He was in his 40s.
My coworker, understandably so took off for the week following his death. I asked another coworker about...
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I am normally a very skeptical person but ever since my mom died, I have become more interested in spiritual issues. Reading some testimonies here about people who contacted their loved-ones through a medium and the exciting information they got from them, I decided to look into this possibility and learn more about it. In that exploration, I came across an organization that studies mediums, their characteristics and their methods to contact people who passed away (they call them...
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For the past 13 years, every Sunday morning I’d walk five miles with four or five friends and go for coffee. We’d talk along the way and share stories of family, our kids, life experiences in general. Then Jason, my son, took his life in November 2019. They all knew him as our kids are the same age. Now in their 40s. As time moved on, I just had to walk by myself. I couldn’t take the chatter and ‘kid talk.’ I was overwhelmed and still am, actually. Those walks added to my anxiety and the...
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I started reading the book, “ A Man Called Ove” since someone said the movie based on the book was really good. However, shortly into the book, it tells about Ove’s attempt at suicide by hanging…which was unsuccessful. I then looked up info about the movie and if it depicts suicide and found out that it does. Although the trailer doesn’t show this. The trailer makes it seem like a family fun movie. I’m going to finish reading the book and still plan on seeing the movie, because the...
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I have always felt a sense of guilt for Aaron killing himself. The whole "what if I was awake, what if i tried harder, made him do this/that, etc etc" there are so many "what ifs" that repeat in my head daily. But I got him to go to therapy ( he went once), he talked about his feelings with me, i told him i loved him and needed him, he is not a burden, deserves to eat/breathe/sleep/ to be alive. All of it. I tried my ****ing hardest every day. but it was not enough, love really is not...
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I don't know where to start. My son took his life and our dog in the early morning of January 3, 2023. He would have been 33 on January 22nd. It was carbon monoxide poisoning. I was in the hospital at the time so it was just he and our lab, who was sleeping in my room waiting for me to come home. I was released from the hospital about 1:30pm that day, I beat myself up thinking if I had been there, it wouldn't have happened. I was taken straight to my daughter's house because we weren't...
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I’m new to this forum.
I’m still struggling with the loss of my parents 4 years ago. My Dad took my Mom’s life and then his own.
I participated in a survivors of suicide group for the first 2 years following their deaths as well as seeing a grief counselor. However and for unknown reasons, this past year my grief became overwhelming again. I’ve been seeing a counselor again but feel that I need the support of others who unfortunately share the same type of grief that I’m experiencing.
My friend inspired me as she was authentically herself, and we were supposed to go to Pride together last year, but it did not happen. Sadly, she had other commitments that came up, but she said there was always next year. I was going to come out to her, and I remember feeling so proud of her just being her.
I wish I were more open. We were getting closer last year, and it is almost like my only unofficial mentor, who is older than me, is gone.
Now I feel like, hey, maybe it is never safe...
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2 months before my husband took his life, I contacted the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and did a live chat. I was worried about my husband and needed to know where I could go for guidance, to tell me what steps to take in order to help him. He was very private and would have been furious with me if I had told his mom or sister, so I didn't. In hindsight, I wish I had, whether he was angry or not, at least he may still have been alive today. So, I contacted the hotline instead. I felt...
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Hi ,I lost my wife on Thursday to suicide,we had been together since we were 15,47 years together,I feel my life is also at an end,my wish to join her is so strong
This month is the 6 year anniversary of the loss of my uncle to suicide. We were very close and the loss devastated me. He was my dad's brother and was like a father figure to me.. This month also marks the 30 year anniversary of my father's suicide as well. I was 12 years old when my dad took his own life. I'm still having difficulty coping with these losses. February is a hard month to face and get through due to the tragic losses that took place in this month. I am going to start talking...
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Hi, around 6 weeks ago my boyfriend took his life. January 8 would have been his 23rd birthday. I miss him a lot
Hi, my son died by suicide Sunday afternoon. He has a history of bipolar disease. I think he had this planned for awhile. He cleaned his apartment, left an organized car with a notebook containing a letter. He also left a letter to me. He texted his brother, girlfriend and 2 best friends as well as the local police department. He left a Playlist of songs he recorded. He went to the metro park to a location by the river where he often went. I'm trying to focus on how happy and peaceful...
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Let me start by saying, I have never slept well. I've had an entire sleep hygiene routine for years. I am now finding that is has gotten so much worse. I am so very tired all day long, but when I get in bed my mind kicks into high gear and I am awake for hours. I get up for work at 3:34, so I try to have the lights out by 9:00pm (which means I start me bedtime process at 8:00). Most nights now I am either staring into the darkness at the ceiling or watching the little fish tank I just got...
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I am grateful to have found this site. Our son took his life 2 months ago. He was a gentle and sensitive young man and lived with us his whole life into his early 30s. He suffered from schichoaffective disorder and struggled in his teens and early 20s but in recent years stabilized. The strong med he had to take dulled his senses and he became even more quiet in recent years. He would sometimes smoke pot which brought on psychosis and hospital stays. But he had been stable for a few...
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Hi all,
Sorry just wanted to place that in the subject as I'm not sure where else to post about this. I'm so sensitive to people coming on here who have just lost spouses and are in a huge amount of pain and shock. I won't go into the details of new relationship as actually not relevant to this point BUT I'm having problems adjusting in so many ways and wondered if anybody else could relate.
I'm starting to get closer but last weekend I had a complete meltdown which lasted nearly 5 days...
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I do not see my future, I cannot fathom ever feeling joy again. I get up every day and go thru the motions for others, it must have worked as now it's just me and my dog. I see him in every thing I do, the work he did on top of his job to take care of us. Cutting wood, making our nightly fire, driving into town for every errand as we lived in the country. I find myself doing everything M did and feeling so bad. I took care of our home, the garden and we shared the coop duties. So much work...
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After a stress-filled fundraising career, I will be working at a child care facility and continuing my tutoring job. This is a complete change of pace, and I believe it's what my son would have wanted for me. God bless you all for your prayers and support. I give thanks daily for this group.
My dad took his life in May of 2020. Two days after Mother's day and a week before my birthday. I was about to turn 38 years old, I loose my dad. I still can't believe it. During the early stages of the pandemic, when we were all home due to COVID, no one knew what this virus was going to do next, businesses/government were shut down. Stores, healthcare everything at a halt. Supply chain shortages. It was a chaotic time in general. My dad was the most loving person ever. An immigrant, he...
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I have often mentioned here that we knew we were in deep trouble. We knew Kristin was suffering deeply in the summer of 2020. I thought we were doing everything we could to avoid this ending. This weekend, I had a simple thought that has been a little freeing.
We wake every day knowing that we will die someday. That is true but we also don't believe that will be today, and we are right until we are not.
I knew that Kristin suffered from ideation and I knew this was always possible...
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I walked through the house where I raised my boys for the last time this week.
I thought since I’d been away from it for a while it would make it easier. No. I was wrong. As I walked room to room the echoes of my boys filled my mind and heart. So many wonderful memories. Some not so wonderful. It was a very loved house.
I remember when we first entered the front door to look at the house. I was with my mom,
Connor( 3yo), and his brother closer to his age (5yo). They were so excited...
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Today is the 8 week mark without my husband. I'm feeling very emotional today, teary, anxious. Can't believe it's been 8 weeks, yet it feels like a lifetime since I've heard his voice, his wonderful laugh, seen his handsome face and great smile, felt his beautiful thick hair on my fingertips, felt his presence, felt his strong arms wrap around me, spent time together watching football or movies... He used to make a "hammock" by pulling his t-shirt over his knees in the recliner, and the cats...
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my world turned upside down and my heart shattered into a million pieces on Sunday Feb 5, 2017. when I got that early morning emotionless phone call(I’ll never forget it) from my father telling me what apparently happened just hours before, I remember I no longer could hear the voices from him or my husband. It was just that deafening ringing in my ears before my body just gave out on me and i collapsed on my cold floor. I dropped my phone causing my screen to crack. Everything...
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I lost my nabila two weeks and six days ago. I found out the following day. It's been a brutal time. I am experiencing many things that I am hearing from people are common to the suicide survivor experience: roller coaster of all types of emotions--devastation, profound sadness, grief, agony, frustration, anger, resentment, fury, indignation, roundedness, etc. I don't feel too much guilt
(although there is some) because as a therapist i know i did everything humanly possible to stay my...
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Hello all. I’m here because I lost my dad recently. I feel like I failed him because I knew he was unwell and didn’t get him enough help. I have two little kids and feel like I’m not strong enough for them. I appreciate the opportunity to connect with others here. Thank you.
I wonder if someone who was happy and making plans ,to commit suicide the next day? All of the sudden..
People are really quick to dismiss your feelings of guilt which invalidates my feelings. I wanted to say that I am feeling guilty today. My dad was at such a high risk, it feels like he had all the warning signs and I feel like no one took it seriously enough. He had major depression and anxiety (I recognized so many negative thinking patterns that I do/used to do) and a general negative outlook. He was getting ECT treatment, on medications for years, had a supportive family who loved him...
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I frequently find myself trying to wrap my head around just how “bad” the suicidal urges/ideation must have been for her for so long. I’m one of those people who constantly tries to put myself in other peoples perspective and I myself in younger years struggled with suicidal ideation, come to realize as a adult now I don’t think I ever truly wanted that it just felt like the immediate relief in the moment. When I think about the level of ideation and urges she had I try to understand that...
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The Hopeful
With a daily mood tracker, journaling prompts, mindfulness techniques and reminders... I find myself looking forward to their thought of the day each morning. The blog and articles have been very helpful to me as well. I also find myself grateful for the journaling prompts at the end of the day.
Description from their website:
The Hopeful is a daily-use self-care app created by To Write Love on Her Arms, which features encouragement, journaling, and mood tracking. Explore...
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My beloved son Justin died a year ago today (1/27/2022). From the day I learned of his death I would look up at the night sky and beg for him to show me a shooting star as a sign he was still with us somehow. That he was at peace but he could still see us, be with us, and I'd see him again when it was my time. But I never saw a shooting star.
As today was the one-year anniversary of my son's death my husband, my middle son (who was VERY close to Justin), and I all drove up to the site...
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it’s been 4 months and 5 days since I lost my brother. I know it’s been a few weeks since I last posted, life with a toddler and an infant is BUSY. They’re both amazing but good grief they’re germ factories.
But I’m still here. Still grieving. I never realized how much he was a part of me until he was gone. I feel like a huge piece of me was violently ripped away. No one else is grieving like I am still. My dad is doing so well, thankfully. He’s sad, of course, but found peace about it in...
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I dont blame myself anymore that hes gone. I miss him. Dealing with the abusive relationship, finding him dead and the pain he left behind. Im dealing with the pain and betrayal in the relationship too. Its only been 5 months. But Ive realized I have to get on with my life. But life doesnt feel the same anymore. I dont find happiness in things, people, food. In other words I dont enjoy anything anymore. A lot of things trigger me to that night of finding him. Im still angry at him for doing...
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Is there really impulsive suicide,after arguing ,or when the person is angry?
And after that there is no coming back?
I’m struggling to find a way to quite my mind and slow the “spinning”. After I lost my brother (15 years ago) I took up long distance trail running. It was an active meditation & I would run until my mind was quite & I felt like I could breathe. Sometimes it was 5 miles, other times it was 25. I continued this pattern when I lost my 1st partner (7 years) & my best friend (5 years). Due to a foot/nerve injury i haven’t been allowed to run for the past 8 months (ultra running is a part of my...
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I'm new and did not know this was even here. 18 months ago I lost my first love my daughter to suicide I will never be right I don't know how to live. I'm trying for my other daughter and husband but feel guilt every day for not being able to save her.
Hello this is a place I never thought I would be. I lost my beautiful daughter 18 months ago and I pretty much cry every day and blame myself for not being able to stop it. She met a guy online and he took total control of her we tried to tell her so did her friends She kept saying she loved him and 10 months later she took her life.
I wasn't sure what else to title this post, so I that's as good as anything I suppose.
I also think that while this is posted in 'Addictions' it is likely applicable in many other cases.
After decades of struggling mightily with addictions and drinking, much of it hidden from his family, a year or so ago my brother had hit another rock bottom and ended up in his last and worst induced coma for alcohol poisoning. I was again at his bedside, for a week, willing him awake, making sure one of...
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...I'm doing my best not to get hypersensitive to anything trigger-like in movies, stories on the news, etc., but sometimes something really digs, it too horrible to just brush over. I don't want those around me being afraid to watch tv with me, or listen to the news, and feel like they have to walk on egg shells or censor everything...which isn't possible anyway...to avoid the inevitable triggers.
A really baaaaaddd one this weekend though. We need a section for non-recommendations...
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I am finding it really difficult to cope.
Some days are good, though few
Some days are bad, and these are more than a few.
And some days ‘just are’
I cannot stop imagining Martin going about doing his daily affairs and this breaks me up inside as I just want him back. The pain of this grief is so unbearable. When I think about the way he dressed, his demeanor, the way he stood, his wry grin, the way he viewed the world – it hurts like I never thought pain would hurt. To be without him...
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It will be 7 years this June and I am lost. I feel disconnected from the world, people. I have severe anxiety and only feel comfortable when at home with my furbabies but then I'm sad and lonely.
I have a deep sense of sadness all the time. I've tried medications, counseling but nothing seems to help.
I long for the day that it is all over and I no longer have to feel lonely, sad, worried or think about his passing and what my life may have been like or should have been like.
In my dream last Friday night, I was able to hear my daughter's voice again. She was not physically manifested in the dream but her voice and her presence was there. (hope that makes sense). She comforted me with words letting me know how I was feeling was normal. It hit me like a lead balloon when she acknowledged what has been stewing in my brain.
Today my eldest turned 21. Such a milestone, but we lost his brother a little over a year ago. They were 1 year apart. Lucas was 18 when he took his flight. Now there is a gaping hole.
Today was tough. Trying to be positive and celebrate was hard.
I wanted to cry at every small thing. No-one mentioned Lucas’ name as I think we may all have crumbled.
This cruel twist stole his brother away when they should be starting out in life together.
Miss them being together.
That’s all I’ve got...
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Hello. Losing my brother & his wife (2022/2019) has been catastrophic. Our family has had very little, yet very inadequate support, as we live in a different state from those we lost. So grateful to have found this site.
Hello all. I was on this forum after my 14 year old son's death just under 2 years ago and you were all so kind and supportive. The reason for my disappearance is that I'm afraid I didn't do well and nearly didn't survive myself. Anyway, the reason for referring to hope is that, with a lot of help from a pyschiatrist (and medication), therapy, but above all unwavering support from my husband, ex-husband and 2 surviving sons, here I am, alive. I'm even working part time and on minimal...
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Yesterday I had been talking with Brian about something. A short time later I was doing some things around the house and heard him say something. I don't mean I heard a voice, or even his voice. It was not something I would say to myself. It felt as if it were someone talking to me, and came to my mind out of the blue. It was very special, something I felt maybe he can verbalize now, but could not when he was here. It made me feel good. But I did question it. So I said, if that was...
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Hi AOH Team,
I am not doing well tonight... Thank you for listening to my thoughts...
I am posting this for people dealing with loss of spouse from suicide from mental illness. I hope I can help others by posting my experience here on the forum.
It's been almost 3 years since my wife Yumi committed suicide by hanging in a closet in our home. And, I can't forgive myself for not doing more to save her. She had mental illness.... Paranoid Schizophrenia. The day-to-day living with her was...
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Hi there. First of all, my condolences to everyone else on this forum. I lost my father two months ago to suicide and now that the shock has finally worn off, I'm finding myself very angry. I keep taking it out on my mum (who split from my father when I was very young). This is entirely not her fault and I keep lashing out at her. I just feel like I'm losing the plot...!
In Most of my dreams about him, he is irritated or distant. I don’t see him happy, just him alone but away from me. The dream I had last night was really strange. I dreamt that he came to me and said we were married and he wanted a divorce. I was shocked and could not recall us getting married. He said it was a legal reason (not a marriage-marriage) and that now he wanted a divorce. I was really ashamed and headed into the lawyer’s office. Once I got in there, it was my husband now rather...
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My husband was a respiratory therapist turned nurse. He always wore scrubs. When he wasn’t at work, it was always VERY casual wear. Blue jeans, sweat pants, t shirts.
Connor wanted to be a business man. He was meticulous about the way he dressed. Even down to his socks. But he didn’t learn it from his father. He would do extensive research about how a business man should dress on the internet. I was always amused at how enthusiastically he would tell me what was proper and what was not...
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Im so sad today I feel ruined. I can't go out with my girl friends anymore, I cant relate to anyone anymore or talk about anything "normal" without just being jealous. Im jealous of anyone with siblings, Im jealous of everyone who havent experienced grief, Im jealous of everyone who havent seen anything traumatic ever. I can never ever be the person I used to be and I fear no one will ever tolerate this mess of a person I became. I hate this and everything about this.
Im so lonely and feel...
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It's a pretty well known fact that alcohol only exacerbates anxiety and depression....so you would think the answer is simple, if you struggle with these things, just don't do it.
Six years I have had this back and forth struggle with what I know is the correct path to go down, and yet I can never seem to manage this for very long. The terrible increasing anxiety that makes my heart race which is almost constant now, should also be a constant reminder of what not to do to make it worse...
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I know this will remind some of the commercial.
I don't always smile, but when I catch myself doing it, I am pleased at the smile itself. I am relieved to have found a glimmer of joy and then my face lights up even bigger as I smile about my smile. My goodness, what a relief to feel something other than despondant. There is hope!
I acknowledge these moments. I breathe deeply and let the moment wash over me. I get lost in it and revel in its comfort. I praise myself for getting here. I...
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Like all the bad stuff rolls itself together and hangs over you like an unforgiving cloud?
my partner was struggling with bipolar ( he never got professional help, him and I had both just knew he was bipolar, it was clear) and unfortunately took his life a month ago(december 15th). i feel such a heavy weight and emptiness. i keep crying, being angry, and just overall sad.
i am a college student and i am struggling with school. i was the last person he texted and it has been horrible. i miss him so much and i dont know what to even do. i just need him back, i keep hoping this is...
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My beautiful daughter Andrea took her life on Dec 8, 2022. There are so many things I will have to work through on this awful journey of grief and some guilt.
She had made prior attempts, once when visiting me at my home which resulted in 911, CPR on my driveway, 4 codes, lifeflight, life support. I found videos on her phone of other attempts. Suicidal ideations, the code being a random "I love you mom' text. Next day apologizing. Threats which then involved 72 hour holds...
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Hi all,
I believe that due to my age and being in high school still it could be valuable to figure out how your children are doing with this and how to support them.
Today I couldn’t do school, mainly due to having my mind focus on her and school was too much. I didn’t cry all of today however - and that doesn’t mean that I’m up to learn.
Being eighteen and still in high school while still losing my sister a couple months ago has shown me it’s okay to have a break - it’s okay to not be...
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My mom was in a car accident and suffered multiple injuries. She was in the hospital for a few days and then went to her home. My sister and I took care of her for a month and later we left to the cities where we live. My father and a care taker were then in charge of looking after her.
When my sister and I left, I reasoned that she was going to be fine. Although she was experiencing pain and moving difficulties, I figured that it was just a matter of time and that her injuries would heal...
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I can’t handle this pain. It’s like the reality of it has landed today, two months in. Everything feels pointless and inescapable. All the help has disappeared and people have gone back to their lives, I’ve had people tell me they don’t have space for my bigger emotions. I feel so isolated and alone and I have felt truly suicidal myself for the first time today. I can’t live without him, I feel like he did this because being married to me for a decade wore him down. I have mental health...
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Talking to Grief by Denise LevertovAh, Grief, I should not treat you
like a homeless dog
who comes to the back door
for a crust, for a meatless bone.
I should trust you.
I should coax you
into the house and give you
your own corner,
a worn mat to lie on,
your own water dish.
You think I don't know you've been living
under my porch.
You long for your real place to be readied
before winter comes. You need
your name,
your collar and tag. You need
the right to warn off intruders,
to...
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I’m a little confused by the website. How do I find an online/Zoom support group for long term survivors? Thanks so much.
In AA, a person gets a sponsor that they can talk to and call by phone or text any time. I would love to have that same kind of support from someone else who is a survivor of suicide. Do you have any suggestions?
Yesterday I was so sad-sad for me, my daughter and I did get dressed. I didn't have the strength to brush my teeth and comb my hair. My son's suicide on May 31 last yr has left a hole in my heart. I thot I was doing a lot better. And I am really. It just hit me hard yesterday. I'm in a lil better place today. I'm washing clothes and will go upstairs and make some beautiful jewelry after breakfast. Hope everyone's having a good day
Wishing my boy another Happy Solar Return on what would be his 30th birthday.
"And in the end,
I will seek you out amongst the stars.
The space dust of me will whisper 'I love you'
into the infinity of the universe."
~David Jones
Happy Solar Return, Mario
Recently at the Support Group that I attend, one of the people made the comment that he felt he had grown from his experience. Other people started to share a similar attitude, barring one lady. She is about 2 years in from losing her only child.
She became very distant and quiet from the conversation and then she started to become quite angry, saying that her anxiety had gone up. She said that she didn’t get what was being voiced as, for her, she now had nothing and that no good could...
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Hello. I’m new here.
I’d like some help please.
It’s been 20 days since my beautiful, intelligent, sister ended her life.
She was my best friend and I loved her unconditionally.
How do I calm myself when the pain and horror suddenly crash into me and render me desperate and lonely but I need to finish my day?
thank you.
Reading in Signs, The Secret Language of the Universe.
Laura Lynne Jackson instructs us on how to create our own language of signs with our lost loved ones. And so this past week I have given it a try.
I asked for a lion. And that very day, I ended up at my oldest daughter's house unexpectedly since she is experiencing a health crisis. She wanted to take a walk. And we found ourselves in front of a dilapidated abandoned house with lawn statuary in all states of disarray in the yard...
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Think we've probably all seen this but it's soooo cute.... couldn't resist
Dogs board the doggy bus for their morning walk | They're so excited when their doggy bus arrives for morning walkies | By LADbible | Facebook780 万 views, 13 万 likes, 8 万 loves, 2.4 万 comments, 5.2 万 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LADbible: They're so excited when their doggy bus arrives for morning walkiesfb.watch
Hi Everyone
My partner was suffering from many issues that simply impounded him on the night he left me. He was informed by his dentist that he needed to change his medication. This made him feel more alert and hence not wanting to go back on medication. Our dog had to be euthanized the month before. My partner was developing health issues most likely due to not taking his usual medication. He was getting stressed out with the lock-downs (especially after losing our dog) as he could not...
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Hello everyone
I wrote the following to address those people who tell me I am strong - trust that it may offer some support for others -
I NEED TO CRY
*When people tell me I am strong, they inadvertently take away my strength to be authentic and the need to be vulnerable in my grief.
They take away the strength that I need by which to cry with another person; my strength is gone and I have to put on the mask of being strong, of being resilient.
Far better if a friend says, “It...*
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I never know whether to post under Mental Illness or Addictions as my brother's battles, the wars he waged, most often were ones against Mental Illness and Addiction in ways I would not know how to parcel out, and wouldn't make sense to try.
When I'd spoken with a friend from long ago, who knew my brother as so few did, we unfortunately also relate in loss. She'd suffered a devastating loss a few years back and is still, and will be, grieving the loss of one most dear for the rest of her...
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This reflection from Alan Wolfelt’s Center for Loss & Life Transition Daily Reflection made me think if something that keeps coming up for me.
For many of us, the early months and years of our grief may be especially punctuated by feelings of guilt, thoughts of blaming ourselves for our loved ones death, woulda coulda shoulda-ing at ourselves. I believe that guilt gives us a sense of control in a time when the trauma of the loss of our loved ones to suicide leaves us feeling so...
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My 27 yo needed some time alone so headed to the coast for a few days. I wish with all my being that my 2 lads had gone for a brothers weekend together getting up to all sorts. It still shocks me that we won't ever see him again in this life.
My son sent me a short vid (which can't get to upload so put pic instead). I focused on the beautiful rays shining down, never even noticed the green orb. But it was the first thing that @praying 4 peace and another mum spotted. So thank you...
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Hi All,
At my therapist's recommendation, I'm glad to have found an online community of people I can relate to, given how isolating and difficult this experience has been and continues to be. I won't delve too deeply into what brought me here, but I lost my Father just over 4 months ago. I was lucky enough to have been raised by an incredible man into my young adulthood, he truly set the standard for me in more ways than I realized until I lost him.
Blindsided doesn't begin to cover how I...
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I lost my 35-year-old son six years ago.
I have needed a grid group and not been in one.
He decided to take his life
My mom left a note to us. I constantly think about its content but it doesn't really clarify a lot of things or offer much of a closure... My mom expressed in her note that she was sorry and that she hoped we could forgive her one day. She also mentioned that she loved us and expressed some of her reasons for taking that step... I have read a lot of information that argues that people who take their lives are not in their right mind and that they are in a trance but the fact that she...
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Thinking more and more about my "little brother" as we approach January 27. It will be 7 years since he took his life. When I think back I'm not sure how my family and I ever got through that time. Somehow one does. Every day gets a tiny bit easier. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this type of loss, no matter where you are in the process of understanding, accepting, moving forward. I still struggle with feeling I failed my brother, and honestly I probably always will. In your...
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NOTE TO THOSE WHO HAVE RECENTLY LOST A CHILD: This is my story, woven with my own childhood traumas, PTSD from losing my son to suicide and almost losing another one to war injuries sustained in Iraq. Everyone is different and I understand that the work that I have to do to reach a place of stability and hope is not necessarily the path of everyone, so please don't lose hope that you will heal day by day, just because I'm struggling after this much time.
This is hard for me to...
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My ex-husband left us 12/14/22. My 12 year old daughter and I . He was staying with us for months, trying to get him better. I wish I could have done more. We are heartbroken, everyday just sucks. How do people carrry on? We miss him so much and don't know how to live without him. Our hearts are split wide open. Looking for virtual support group, others who can relate. It's just so much...
I'm sorry but I have to vent. I have a long time friend that I've known since I was 8 years old. She doesn't have any children but she apparently knows what caused my son's suicide. It's as simple as the light from video games, vaccines, diet, and antibiotics! There is not genetics involved, I could have prevented my son's suicide if only I'd never allowed him to play a video game, not gotten him vaccinated, never gave him antibiotics if he had an infection, and controlled his diet...
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Well, here I am after surviving 3 suicides of loved ones. My brother, my sister-in-law (not same brother's wife), and old boyfriend. I truly don't know how to move past all of the loss. I don't know why I keep pushing down the pain and not really working through it. I am on anxiety and depression medications. I know I need professional help, but I have such a busy life that I don't really focus on myself.
I'm grateful to know that there are others that may feel the same way. I'm hopeful to...
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I put my house up for sale at the beginning of the month. After 3 years I felt it was time
But since then I've been having the worst nightmares.
It's always my son and I leaving and we're happy to move, then my late husband coming to bring us home and we are hiding and terrified he will succeed. Maybe this is just fear of moving forward with our lives or unresolved trauma. Either way I've not had a decent night's sleep since the start of January. I'm almost afraid to fall asleep because...
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This is something I started after Jim died. I make a large heart in the snow so it can be seen from heaven.
"Heartbreak is tiring. Exhausting.
Consuming. Deeply confusing.
It is hard to understand.
You will often wonder why certain things have to happen.
Especially if you are a good person going about your day,
expecting the best and doing your best.
It will be the most heartbreaking for the good-hearted ones.
The lovers. The givers.
Life will surprise you and then it will change you.
It will kick you and then it will teach you how to tend to your wound.
It will hang you upside down and drop you...
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Hello everyone, I would appreciate your help. Each week, I read comments and private messages from members who express gratitude for this forum and this community. They write things like:
"The best thing that's happened to me in five years."
"I have been profoundly impacted."
"It's is the one place I feel understood."
"The forum is what's keeping me going."
"It has given me hope."
Over the last three years, I have also received dozens of...
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The moment I heard Chris had hurt himself was like a pause in a moment of time. Looking in the mirror I saw someone I once knew but was now broken, flooded with guilt, confusion, upset and anger. Guilt is a funny thing, it takes over like a rush of adrenaline and alters your perspective on everything. After losing someone to suicide the traffic lights are red for far too long, the wind is too cold & the quiet far too empty. Retracing my steps; trying to find what I missed, searching for...
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My father and I always had a good relationship full of love and respect. We had occassional fights or differences but we would always solve them. We communicated every day by phone calls, in person or text messages. I believe that I showed him love and respect at all times. But I still feel guilty... because I think I didn't fully do it in our last interactions, when he was sick and sad, and that makes me think that I pushed him towards this awful decision or that I have made him feel...
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Being outside, getting sun, being surrounded by nature have been such essential daily medicine for me since losing my best friend. Turning up my face to the sun and feeling the warmth bath my face, looking at the sunlight sparkling off water, listening to the birds sing, watching the birds fly, seeing the cottontail bunnies hop. Each of these bring me into the present, ground me, and bring a sense of peace.
Over the last month, one storm after another has hit keeping me indoors. The last...
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I lost my only child, my son; a year ago. He was my whole world. My reason for existence. I'm not exactly sure who I am anymore. Moving into year 2, It seems to be harder to deal with. Gut wrenching pain is back. I'm antisocial, and cannot make plans for a future time because I'm not sure how I be will feeling at that time. I just don't know anything anymore.
My guide to critical medication administration
Guide to Stroke assessment
Evidence of PPD test, annual flu vaccine (I still get the flu shot even though I don’t have some one telling me I have to)
I would have burned my name badge but it’s plastic and I don’t burn plastic
Bye bye
Remembering my husband, Steve, 2 years and the pain still strong. I am stronger too as we navigate this hole in our lives. Love you and miss you forever
“WH” Questions
Since this occurred the “WH” questions have become quite burdensome, for myself and everyone within earshot, especially those closest who still have the wherewithal to withstand my perpetual, unanswerable questioning, with the same unknowing.
Yet I do know, intuitively and intellectually, that the “Whys” will not be forthcoming. I know the general outline of “Why” as it is decipherable, ‘understandable’, but the follow through is unanswerable, and would be, even by our...
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Hi Honey,
It's been a while since I've heard your beautiful deep voice in person. There's so much of you I miss.
I'm trying to keep the story of you alive because you are so much more than your suicide. I'm working hard to remember you in love and light. Just to replace the terrible feeling that you're gone.
Remember how you used to look at me when I crossed the room to open the blinds. I caught you doing that quite often and could feel your love for me each time.
I got a similar feeling...
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I miss my kind, beautiful boy every moment and no matter how hard I try to live for him, I can't see the the joy or meaning in doing so. It's been 8 months since Elisha left without warning, and it feels so fresh.
I wake up (if I managed to sleep), make myself up, muddle through work, commute home, cook dinner, walk his dog, and it all feels so utterly meaningless. Day after day I manage to get through and wonder why? How can this now be my life? I keep waiting for him still because I know...
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As an adult suicide witness/survivor and product of a broken home, those things that foreshadow a tragedy are often readily obvious.
Without getting into too many details, I got to watch a childhood friend play a part in a family wherein his partner engaged in
the behavior that would be considered a facetious disorder imposed on another. This recently culminated with the suicide of his
partner's daughter.
There were tell tale incidents - but they romanticized it. To them, love...
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I haven’t felt this way for a little while. But I was looking at texts tonight… At times in the last month or two she asked me questions and I didn’t answer. I so wish I’d answered!
There are other texts that I sent to her that she responded to strangely… curt, for her, and out of character. And I recognized it was strange at the time, but I didn’t follow up, didn’t do anything more to figure out what was going on. I didn’t even give it much thought, other than to note it was strange.
I...
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My husband of 47+ years took his life a week ago. I feel numb. I believe I am in shock and fear the pain ahead for me. I’m filled with guilt and regrets. Mostly I miss him. I want to find a counselor and appreciate suggestions on how to start.
The past few days I have been having very vivid and imaginative dreams of all kinds. They haven’t necessarily been bad dreams, some of them have actually been quite pleasant where I am almost looking forward to dreaming because I wonder what adventures my next dream will take me on. But last night I had one of those dreams where a random song from my past was playing and when I woke up the lyrics and the music were planted firmly in my head,
This particular one was the Backstreet Boys song...
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..February 5 returns to Sunday this year. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t beginning to feel those familiar pings of anxiety and grief in the background already. I have a feeling it’ll be all the more intense this year because it’s actually going to be Sunday Feb 5 again. There’s just this different feeling about it. The horrible reality of that day comes crashing in like an emotional tempest. Grief to me is this constant hum in the back of my mind and heart. It’s there. every minute of every...
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I went to my intern's wedding Saturday. At first I was fine, several hugs from former students, mengeling with peers...and then it happened.....the flood of tears and supsup crying. luckily, my husband was there to give support. The crying did not leave me for 2 days now. What a world to live in when grief just drops by to say you are still in pain. I did make it through dinner and left shortly after. Baby steps and teaspoonfuls to healing!
Hi. My name is Karen and I'm 47. I need help processing the last 7 months of my life. The last seven months is what lead to my mom's suicide. She basically starved herself to death in assisted living. She couldn't stay at home so she gave up on life. She died on January 8th 2023 I know this is rather short but that's all I can bring myself to say right now.
I just realized I didn't write what my emotions are. 1. Anger, 2. Guilt, 3. Sadness.
Then I started analyzing my life. My happiness...
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I lost my soulmate, my partner, my best friend December 12, 2022. The first 4 weeks were spent between friends and my daughters.
M took his life at home when I was away so I would not find him. That day will forever be branded into my soul, as part of me died too. I do not remember pulling off the freeway when getting the call, a nightmare from which I could not awake, because I was awake. The screams from within that would not come, just under the surface making it hard to breathe...
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Over the span of just under two weeks, I went from saving my dad's life to whatever it is I have now.
After the New Year turned, I had sent my dad a few text messages that were unread. This wasn't an unheard of thing, as he was a habitual phone loser who had lost them in multiple bodies of water, fields, and probably other places I don't remember now. I got worried, with it be over the New Year, that my dad wasn't responding because he was in a ditch somewhere, choked on his vomit in his...
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Its going to be 5 months in 2 days. I always check his obituary page. It saddens me that they put his ex gf as the love of his life. She occasionally posts stuff on it. I want to post mine and his pictures. But I hesitate. I dont know why. He looks so happy in the pictures. But I dont know if it would create issues or not. I wish I can post pictures. I could but im not sure since the family didnt allow me to go to his funeral….
Hi everyone,
I know that this may seem a bit long, bare with me. I recently just turned eighteen about three months ago. I’m in my senior year of highschool and received the devastating news of my sister’s suicide. I guess I’m trying to deal with this in this manner due to not wanting to overload on my therapist, friends, and parents.
My sister was twenty-four, and although we had a big-ish age gap she was my everything. We were best friends and polar opposites, but she taught me...
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I met my husband Steve at the Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, D.C. He was wearing a big black cowboy hat (later I would learn this was his rain hat) and wore a Western style suit jacket. He arrived right behind me and offered me a hanger in the coat room.
Both of us were long time D.C. residents. We shared a love of the city—the beautiful architecture, the wonderful museums and monuments, the street festivals, the local artists, musicians, and even the rallies and...
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My husband of 27 years killed himself 5 weeks ago. We raised three children together and divorced two years ago after a gradual decline in his emotional stability coupled with consistent and progressive abuse of alcohol. Our children, in their 20s, are shattered, as am I. Five weeks out, I still find myself crying every day multiple times, sometimes for hours. I try to distract myself with podcasts and audio books but I simply can't seem to think of anything else but the gut-wrenching...
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I’ve been plugging away at tossing some old files in my home.
Yesterday, I found a folder with forms my son had to complete for health insurance coverage. A month before he passed away, he was aging off my plan and needed to get on one offered by his employer. Anxiety was one of his major struggles, and the paperwork was overwhelming for him.
I was reminded of the intensity when I saw his scribbles and notes to himself. Ask them this, ask them that . . . I could sense his heightened state...
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This post is a continuation of a conversation that originated in @Mountains' post in the Survivor Experience forum, What went wrong? I had replied with some information I had learned that sometimes a perfect storm of factors come together for a person in a moment of time to cause them to act, sometimes out of the blue with no warning. I'd written about a counseling session where Dr. Jack Jordan had identified six factors that were commonly found in the lives of people who...
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I’ve been praying for a sign that my 17 yr old granddaughter is ok. This morning while on my walk a cardinal was very still and quietly perched on the shrub. I stood thanking God for the sign as the cardinal didn’t move an inch,”Cardinals Appear When Angels are Near”. I silently prayed, looked straight at it and as I walked away; it remained in the same stillness it was originally spotted in.
Grateful heart!
Grandma P
Dr. Deepak Chopra's teachings have always been comforting and enlightening, each in high demand at the moment.
In a podcast I found one of his analogies useful, I only hope I do it justice.
Dr. Chopra spoke of life, existence, as a symphony. One in which we all believe we are having the same experience, hearing the same symphony, as one another, when in reality that is as far away from true as one can be.
Suppose listening to a symphony of 100 instruments, each will be playing in exactly...
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I really don’t understand. It’s all new to me.
I haven’t been to the therapist,or doctor or reaching out to my friends.
I don’t understand why my husband did this. He loves his life, his a happy person, very kind and he has a positive outlook in life. He work so hard and lots of plan for us in the future. He always asked for help or tell me something what’s bothering him. He wasn’t diagnosed to have depression or mental illness.
In the past few days, he wasn’t eating and sleeping, all...
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I lost my mom to this a year ago. And I thought I was doing okay ig but lately i have been missing her so much. I just started college and I’ve never been more confused in my life. I wish I could just talk to her. I try to distract myself but the moment I’m not doing anything I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do.
...after my brother died, not shortly after, I'd met my brother's best friend...his one of a few true, close friend during my brother's time here with us. Someone my brother had been best friends with for at least a decade, whom I had never known. Since my brother didn't go out with him often, it seemed to me, I thought likely they were more work acquaintances...or really good friends at work than true, close, intimate friends. I was wrong. Since my brother had such extreme social anxiety I...
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I lost my dad to suicide in 2019, the summer before heading to college. Through all the pain I continuously endure, I am proud to say I am in my final semester of senior year. The journey through this loss has been a struggle. Adjusting to school away from home, starting therapy, anti-depression medications, COVID, spending a week in a psychiatric hospital sophomore year, and attempting to form new relationships have been a struggle. When I need help, I ask for it, but I bounce back to life...
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During a recent meditation I was sitting in a chair when my dog came over and sat by the chair. I briefly opened my eyes so that I could reach out and rest my hand on him. I decided I would focus on the feeling of the contact of my hand with his fur for the meditation. Within a minute or so, he circled and laid down on the floor. With my eyes closed I recognized I could no longer use the sense of my touch of him, but that I could still focus on his presence. I had seen and physically felt...
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I miss him every day. This is only the second anniversary since I’ve lost him in 2021. He was only 15.
I’ve thought a lot today about the day he was born. And birthdays we celebrated.
I looked in all my photos and albums and remembered all the small details like the clothes he used to wear as a kid, hair he had, toys he played with. I went to my local grocery store and bought him a birthday cake.
My heart will forever be broken. But I get by day by day. I get up and keep going. But…
I...
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By Linda Broder
“That’s the secret to playing forte,” I said. “Forte actually means strength in Italian. And in order to play a note with strength, we need to give up control. We lift our arm and then let go.”
And that’s when I realized I was doing strength all wrong
I tried to stay strong by controlling my grief. I stood tall and stiffened my shoulders, my muscles tight. I swallowed my sorrow until I could barely breathe. And still, I didn’t surrender to the weight of grief. I...
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Hi
Supportive community . I am doing something very hard today . I’m clearing my partners life belongings and Spending the first full night in our house where he ended his life, although I have been back time to time since it happened . I have been back at my Mum’s house for the last four months with my children …but I know that can’t continue for ever we all need our own space and my children want back to their home. It’s hard memories sing to me as I sort through his life and belongings...
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I'm really struggling today emotionally. The rest of the work week was okay, because work is a distraction and I get home later and the evening goes faster. But my raw emotions are always lying just beneath the surface, ready to burst at any given moment. I try to be strong and keep myself together. Today I'm feeling really emotional and weepy, teary. I'm in an online group of animal loving friends from around the world and the sweet furbaby of one of my friends crossed rainbow bridge today...
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I’ve always been a bit cynical but since my son died, I’ve found myself to be even more so. Just wondering if anyone else feels this way? I’ll admit, it’s a struggle for me.
As my mind wonders all over the place it wondered to a place in my Johnny‘s life where he made a job transition. He had been working a job which required a lot of call and overtime. This is great for a while. The paychecks are great. But after a while it interferes with life. He had an opportunity to make a transition to a position in the same department which did not require him to take all that call. His “off” time was truly off. Pay is not as good but your off time is yours. There is no...
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Hearing of the death of David Crosby has me in tears as the years of the gift of his music runs through my mind. It seems now that I cry at the death of the musicians we loved, the poets of our lives. My tears are disproportionate to the loss of someone I didn't know, and I am acutely aware with every death that the tears I cry are for my husband. The loss of him, and the longing to have him back to share the music we had a passion for together. The music that marked the years of our...
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At night when I cant sleep,I keep thinking about ending my life. I keep thinking I should be with my sister and help her as I was helping her when she was alive.I cant bear to think that there she is alone and have no one as Im in the living world and she is not.
I ordered a Kintsugi pottery piece from Japan and it turned out to be just what I hoped for. For those not familiar with it, Kintsugi is basically the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with the repair being visible instead of something that is hidden.
We watched a documentary about the art of Kintsugi some months before my 16 year old son passed away. My son thought it was very interesting and I can remember that we had a discussion about the documentary around the dinner table. He...
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Hello, I am new to this group. It has been nearly 11 years since my youngest son ended his life at the age of 19. I remember meeting other parents early on who had lost a child 10 years before, and I wondered how they got to where they were. I wondered how they put one foot in front of the other and inhaled and exhaled enough to make it through 10 years without their beloved child because I was sure that I couldn't ever do the same. Here I am. Wanting to be a source of support to others...
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...when on a walk the other day I appreciated the beauty of the bare trees against the cloudless sky, stark grey branches woven in intricate patterns, yet familiar. Gravel repeatedly crunched under my feet during our weekly woodland walks and our dog still jumped in the water, in blissful ecstasy, to retrieve a stick which had meaning only to her.
So, why. Why couldn't my brother have noticed when the sun was out, summer breezes, fall leaves, spring growth breaking through, irrepressible...
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This is my first time reaching out to anybody. I lost my only son, Aaron, on February 17, 2018. It may seem strange reaching out so late but the pain is just now reaching a point that I can no longer handle it on my own. Thank you in advance for any help you can provide.
My partner's loved one took his life in the room connected to my partner's bedroom.
I feel like my partner's family is pressurizing him to be ok and to now go back to sleeping in his room. He hasn't slept there since December 28th 2022 when it happened. He sleeps in another part of the house.
He says he is ok and his other cousin is with him but I know he has been struggling with grief, trauma and fear so I'm not sure if this will be a good idea. He isn't even comfortable sleeping in the...
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We had 4 diamonds made from my son's ashes (for my remaining son, daughter, me, and my husband). They arrived yesterday. It felt like a gut punch when I opened the box, these diamonds are part of my son. I'm glad we ordered them as now I can wear a part of my son at all times, but I also feel a wave of deep grief. I'd rather hold my son...alive.
My Princess was called by our Lord Jesus Christ on December 24, 2022 to join His team of Heavenly Angels. Princess K was born on March, 2005 in Texas.
K graduated a year early from high school and was attending college. Princess K was the brightest star in our lives with the most beautiful smile that lit up any room she entered. She was bright, intelligent, creative and with a can-do anything attitude. She loved all things beautiful, colorful and trending fashions. Princess K loved...
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The clock ticks every second,
My heart breaks,
The clock hand moves every minute,
My heart breaks,
The hours pass on the clock,
My heart breaks,
Five months have gone by and still my heart breaks.
Eternity set in the moment of your departure,
Time has no measure anymore.
Every second speeds by in time only
for a minute to drag on.
the hours are accumulating,
only to remind me that you are gone.
For weeks, months and endless minutes pass by
and still my heart breaks.
Eternity has wrapped me...
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My sweet Connor came in to my room and leaned down and gave me the biggest hug!
I wish I didn’t wake up right after that.
A few days back a few, spare notes of a song came into my head out of nowhere. No words. Just notes. I was just getting ready to serve supper. And here they were.... a few notes.
I couldn't place this song that was trying to plant itself it in my head. I couldn't latch on to the song.
So I La La La'd the few notes (merely 7 or 8) to my husband.
I guess I got the notes out well enough for my H was able to place it within less than a minute. It was the song "Rainbow...
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M was an amazing man. He worked hard and commuted so that we could live in the country. So down to earth, not materialistic, loved the outdoors and wanted to fix everything himself. I used to call him 'my guy' , 'my maguyver' He always opened my door, carried in the bags. The way he held my hand and walked me to the inside of the street. We woke up at 5:00am so when it was cold we would 'ro sham bo' To see who would get out of bed to make the coffee. In the 4 years we were together we...
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I recently lost my mother. She was very dear to me. No one made me feel as loved and understood as my mother did... and thus I am finding it hard to accept that her love for me and my love for her were not enough to keep her going amidst what I thought was a temporary crisis. This loss of my mother has made me feel like an orphan, even though I am an adult. And I have noticed that I have been looking for mother-like figures in my mom's friends, my aunts and even some acquaintances. They're...
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He didn't love life. But I do. I love life. I like people and experiences. And I really thought he did when we got together. I know he tried but I don't think he ever really loved living. That's so very sad to me.
Sometimes it's just so confusing how he slowly transitioned from a beautiful, fun, funny, kind, considerate, focused, sexy, smart, adventurous, thoughtful, sweet, comforting, huggable, cozy spirit who was so full of life to one who lost all of his spark.
He lost it all when...
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Hello my name is Jessica, going on 3 years now with struggling my emotions and grief for my mother.
Oh, the many layers and branches our minds can go out to in grief. I just lost my husband of 30 years a month ago, so I'm still in that very raw stage. As I try to work through everything, I see times where my normal go-getter, problem solver mindset pop in. I'm reading or working through tasks that need to get done, and being strong in the moment. Then my "normal" personality and thought processes, or maybe subconscious takes over for a bit, and my mind runs with "I've got this, I can...
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Ben, my oldest 33rd birthday is tomorrow. Your last birthday here with us we didn't get to do much.
You came out of you room and said "well I made it to 30 Happy birthday to me" and went back into your room.
I will light a candle in your honor and I found a new "no problem llama" for your birthday gift.
I love and miss you Ben. I also know that your brother and fido are with now.
She was an alcoholic and I am as well. The only difference is that I don't need to detox to stop and she did thanks to Vodka.
She said I thought I was better but I am not better and didn't think that. The drinking got ugly at the end and I said some mean things and she did as well and I cannot forgive myself. I was drunk too and I hate myself. I know if I wasn't drinking I could have seen where she was at. That was usually how it would go. I am struggling with my guilt and should be.
Today marks the 33rd day that my beautiful wife left this life. I feel like the shock is starting to wear off and the reality is starting to kick in. I am trying to make sense of everything but know I will never be able to have all of the answers. I feel like it is just a roller coaster of emotions each day still.
I know I am on the early periods of this journey but it seems like as soon as I crack my eyes open its another day full of every emotion you can experience in a life time in one...
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I saw this in the parking lot at the grocery store today and thought of all you creative people who have the gift of quilting. You are some of the strongest, resilient, beautiful people I've encountered.
..are like termites with fur. How did I never know this? I'm supplying them with every known chewing item/toy/snack and they disappear so quickly. I've put in an automatic order with Amazon for them now.
They purposely throw bedding onto the floor outside of their cage. I've seen them do it. If they had hands I'd be in trouble as it would be more of a disaster zone than it already is. Bedding is everywhere. Somehow they're able to knock books off shelves and I find them chewed up on...
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I'm calling on all the friends I've made here during our painful journey. I have a Zoom interview tomorrow morning for a position at a local foundation. I really want and need this job. It's been a hard time financially, and I trust in all your good wishes. Thank you.
I had a horrible day today I feel just totally defeated.
There was a kids musical interpretation of a Dr Zeus book today at the library, we took our daughter. When the music finished they invited the kids up to play with the instruments and or make one. At this point my partner said she had to go to the toilet, I bravely said it was fine though I was already fearing the shift from audience to chaos. (I had said I hoped I wouldnt freak oou as this past week or two has surfaced extra...
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*Click here to sign up for the call on Sunday, February 5th
This year, we will be hosting “Community Sunday Zoom Gatherings” for AOH forum members on the first Sunday of each month.*
Thank you for the positive feedback on the 2022 Community Sunday Holiday Calls. It was wonderful to be together in real-time and to put names with faces. In response to your requests, we have scheduled...
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It has been 48 days since my last conversation with my beautiful caring and loving wife. 48 days ago the morning was so wonderful and normal until later that afternoon life decided to turn upside down and inside out. I miss your voice, I miss your touch and still cant believe this is our reality. I know you are at peace but the pain and suffering left for the rest of us to pick up the pieces feels as if it is impossible to move forward. I have been doing everything possible to be strong for...
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This is difficult for me to articulate. But it's something I am having a hard time with right now. If anyone has gone through something similar or has felt the same way, I'd like to hear about your experience.
Some context. My sister committed suicide last September, she was 31. We went into the foster care system at 7 (me) and 9 (her), and luckily grew up together in the same home. She had a few suicide attempts over her 20's, one of which she was hospitalized for. I visited her every day...
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I lost my sister 10 weeks ago. I can’t go on at my hyper-stressful corporate sales job. I’ve maxed out my vacation and I’m not eligible for FMLA leave as I’m not at the company 12 months yet. There is little sympathy from management and I am accountable for some very important projects and I am totally overwhelmed.
I feel as if I’m going to have a heart attack every day I’m at work.
I am the only child left. My younger brothers who were twins committed suicide in 1994 and 1995.
I have...
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I've recently returned from caring for my nearly-90 year old father (post-oral surgery).
He's in the early stages of dementia, which makes our already strained relationship even more difficult at times.
These past days? Some of those difficult times.
He was poking and prodding at me - asking questions about my lost beloveds... How many people did I lose in the pandemic? How long ago did my husband die? Why haven't I moved on to a new relationship?
Apparently, my father - in his infinite...
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I am struggling. Back to back nights of dreaming about my son. When I don't think I dreamed about him before, during these terrible two-and-a-half years. I know that you all lift me up when I'm needy. Pray for me, please.
I live with the guilt and grieve the loss of my best friend, lover and father to my 3 young children. We were together for 17 years. He took his life just a few days after his 38th birthday on March 23rd, just a week before our twins 7th birthdays. Our relationship had become complex the last three years, and my grief follows suit. I was with him through two previous suicide attempts and several violent psychotic episodes that I still get lost in the memories of.
I think about him all day...
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This is Kristin's phone case. A pretty simple thing right? I have it hanging right over my desk, it is the first thing I see when I come into my office every morning. How can a case bring so many thoughts?
Kristin was thought by everyone and I mean everyone to be "hard" hard to get along with, hard to understand, and hardened by life. She was not that person. I think in some cases she needed that wall. She did not want ANYONE to get close.
How does someone who is perceived to be...
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My beloved mother recently passed away. In the middle of the process of grieving a lot of questions have emerged in my mind. My mother was experiencing physical pain and movement limitations when she decided to take her life. I know that she was uncomfortable, stressed and sad over the state of her body, and the psychological effects that came afterwards, but I don't understand why this would lead her towards the decision to end her life. My mother was the type of mom that would aways worry...
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It came to me yesterday that I've been allowing myself to be a victim. Yes, I'm a survivor, and yes, a part of me will be sad for the rest of my life, but I am more than that. So much more. I've been so hopeless I've thought of ending my own life, but something is telling me I'm stronger than that. I am not helpless. I can--and will-- handle this.
I heard with shock that Lisa Marie Presley passed away yesterday as a result of a cardiac event.
Her son Benjamin shared a birthday with my D (10/21). She lost her gorgeous son to suicide in June of 2020. In December, my D was gone as well.
I believe she died of a broken heart. I really do. Her last Instagram post was for World Grief Day and it was a love note to her son and her daughters for sure. What she said was real and resonated with me. She would never ‘get over’ her loss, she...
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I went to coffee with a dear friend today. Someone who has been a constant support both before and after my loss. She has two kids, one is my son’s age and one is my daughter’s age. My friend did nothing overt to make me hurt, she is very careful of my feelings. Just the sheer fact that she got to have Christmas with both her kids hurt though. Her son is doing wonderfully at college and I am so glad, truly. He is a great kid who deserves every good thing. But, I cannot help but mourn the...
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Here I am, Christmas Day, having finished just opening lovely gifts with my family. And here I am counting down the hours until I am back home by myself because I am feeling depressed over her.
I can tell they are worried about me and I can’t say I blame them. They can’t fully understand what I’m going through and I don’t blame them or expect them too. But today is so full of emotions. I regret not introducing her to my family. I did not want to because she was very unstable and was afraid...
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Eleven years ago, my beloved 14 year old son committed suicide. Are there any parents here who have lost a child or young teen?
from "The Sudden Widow Coach" blog
What to do about the fixersOct 21, 2022
You’ve no doubt encountered the “grief fixers” at various points along your journey. They’re mostly well-intentioned people who genuinely want to believe that you’re doing better. They sound something like:
* “He wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
* “You’ve got to start getting out more.”
* “At least…….”
* “It’s just like what happened to me when….”
* “You should do xyz.”
Mostly, these statements are...
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I don't know where to start. My sister did the deed a little over three months ago. Two months before her birthday, one month before mine, just two days after my mom's. I turned 30 last year. She would have been 32. She's the only biological family I had any meaningful relationship with. She wasn't having the best time, what with the pandemic and all, and had to move back home. I wish I could have been there for her more, but I had my own problems to deal with last year. And we had a...
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The days leading up to Connor’s death he had fabricated a story that he told us about his plans for the next semester and he wanted to change his major and change school.
We had also gone on a family get away with Johnny and his wife and Connor and my husband. Connor and Johnny stayed up late that night talking and discussing their life together in the future. For Connor, I now know this was just a deception so we would not know his plans. I think he knew for some time what he was going to...
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I had a good month and then bam 8 months came. It hit me that it’s going to be a year. A year since he took his last breath. A year since he decided to leave us. I don’t want that to be reality!! It is.
People tell me how strong I am.
I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. My heart hurts so much, my knees feel weak and it’s hurts to breathe. I want to be strong.
I miss him so much.
May his next life be blessed.
My 34 yr old son committed suicide last week. We are just trying to get by day by day. We are done now with police interview, getting his belongs, and making final arrangement. I feel like I am still in shock mostly going through the motions. I am starting counseling next week because my husband and I are at different stages. We realize we are needing separate counseling at least for now to deal with our own grief. We are still keeping group support on the radar. But for now, we feel we...
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My best friend took her life a year and a half ago. I'm Struggling I tried so hard to keep her here to be supportive. I stayed with her and looked after her but it wasn't enough. I promised her I would get us through get her through ( I suffer chronic illness and depression) I thought we had eachother. I knew how dark it was for her when it was bad and she was and she put up with it for 20 years. I'm not angry I just miss her so much and can't get over the loss. We knew eachother since we...
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Suicide seems to be the only form of death where the person can be judged as, for example, ‘Selfish’. It is the one death where a survivor can be asked about what they could have done to save the person (as if we didn’t try) and a question that implies not caring and the emotion of guilt and shame. If a person had a terminal illness, we would understand that their death was inevitable. If that same person requested euthanasia, then I would posit that most people would again accept this...
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I lost my son a week ago. I'm barely crying. Shouldn't i be bawling my eyes out and wanting to destroy things? Does this make me a bad parent?
I ventured out last evening deciding I should go buy a new printer . I can’t get my old one to print. I could have waited until today to go to the store. I guess I just wanted to be out of the house for awhile.
There was black ice on parts of the road. I took it slow but did slip slide a few times. I made it home safe.
I tried to set up the new printer but no such luck.
Some how I accidentally picked Dutch for the language instead of English.
I do not know how to change it. For some reason...
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Helena's best friend gifted me a visit to her favorite medium for HER birthday!!
So at about 2:15 p.m. I landed at her house yesterday with a big box of donuts and a couple of small trinkets for her.
At 2:30 we connected with the medium.
It was a zoom visit and it took a few minutes to get acclimated to staring at a screen after a long day of chasing grandchildren, doing laundry, and errands.
I know I was supposed to try to find a moment of quiet and I had done that at lunch.
In fact as I...
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Lost my wife this morning and I am struggling right now. I was the one to find her. It has been a roller coaster of emotions all day. Luckily I have good friends and family for support but none of them have had to deal with this before. Where do I start and how should I deal with the aftermath. It seems like it is an impossible mountain I will have to climb. Was married for 26 years and it feels like half of me was just cut away instantly.
Hope you can see this.
My oldest shared this tonight.
My husband heard it and asked me to share!
Good positive energy.
Blessings
So today at work this man, who happens to be a senior member of the company and is, let’s just say, “traditional” and not “woke” was conversing with one of his colleagues or clients on the phone in his office. He’s very loud so you can hear everything he says from where I am. I wasn’t fully paying attention to his conversation until he started making some extremely offensive comments about Indian people. I’m not going to repeat what they were, as they are offensive and don’t belong on a...
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I remember a past post here on the forum on how there is no generally accepted term for a parent who has lost a child. Those who lose their parents are ‘ orphans’. Those who lose a spouse are ‘widows or widowers’ .
For some who have no word to describe their loss it can feel like a “negation of being” , as the first article describes.
On another forum I learnt this word today ..‘Vilomah’ : a Sanskrit term for ‘ against the natural order’. A Duke professor Dr Karla Holloway, who...
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I had a dream of my son last night and at first it was great to hear him again. I went to hug him then he was gone!
Now I'm scared and fearful of losing his little brother. I can't explain it only that I'm afraid again. I was going to make him room a craft room but found that I couldn't make myself do it. I can go in his room finally but it's difficult again after this dream. Didn't feel like a nightmare but now I feel like I'm living one.
It's been 2 years and I feel like I'm not healing...
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Is there anybody here whose sibling left wife and kids (12 and 13 when it happened) and dealt with the inlaw finding a new partner whilst still raising your niece/nephews?
I don't know if I can make myself attend a mass again. It hurts to hear them have sermons about love, compassion, forgiveness and yet I feel so alone. Not one person I've tried to talk to seem to understand my loss. I have heard talk to her and then a response of I'm not a therapist to be able to talk to her! This hurts to hear. I think this has caused me to isolate as a result because I don't feel I can open up about my loss. The worst thing is his girlfriend had an abortion! The pain gets...
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I don’t even know what to say. I’m fighting the panic again.
All the what if this happens.
If my kids all die too…
If my new husband dies…
If I die… etc
Why can’t I just be normal again?
This medicine I just started again needs to work
I just found this forum. I'm hoping that I'll be able to discuss my sons loss and to be understood. It's been hard for me to find others who understand the loss of suicide.
Others I know have lost children but not to suicide. So finding that person to talk to has been difficult.
I thank you for allowing me to discuss my grief and loss here. I look forward to being here and being able to talk about my feelings and to be understood by others.
I know I've seen posts from parents who have said their child didn't have a diagnosed mental illness when their child took their own life, but I wanted to bring it up in a thread because I'm really struggling with guilt for not seeing my son's struggles.
Forgive me if this is awkwardly worded. I don't want to imply that it's easier or harder to have a child die by suicide whether they are diagnosed with a mental illness or not...because it's sheer hell regardless. But when I read...
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...I suppose initially we just have to do things, when we're as up to it as we think we're ever going to be, before looking forward to doing anything, which is at least where I am right now.
I'm a homebody by nature and am as content doing my projects in my own company as much as anything else. Don't need too much more than that....but right now I want only that. This is not true for other people close to me who haven't been as effected by this loss. The trauma/ PTSD/Complicated Grief...
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There have been threads lately about faith, going to church, etc.
I had said that though I have struggled with my faith since Connor died, and now through the loss of my Johnny, I still say I am a believer. I don’t feel close to God now, haven’t been able to pray or feel His presence. I know intellectually He’s still there but I just don’t feel him like I used to.
I had been very involved in the church I was a member of. I led a prayer ministry. I’d read the Bible through several times...
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Hi,
I'm here because I lost my best friend of 38 years to suicide in January of 2020. I was shut out at the last few months of her life due to the chaos she was living through. Due to COVID, it took over a year for her to be memoralized by her family. I have not grieved properly for her. I feel like it's time to deal with the grief that I have been pushing down.
I'm not sure what to say, never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation. My wife of almost 13 yrs passed away in November when she decided to end her time. We had to put our oldest Rottweiler down in July and then our youngest on November 1st. Harley was our youngest and my wife was extremely attached to him. She was able to connect with Harley but not with me or other family members. Three weeks later she decided it was to painful. I have so many emotions going on...
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Hello Everyone,
My name is Chris and I've lost my older brother to suicide 4 months ago. He was struggling with depression, anxiety, OCD, and multiple other issues for years, but had intensified In January of 2022. I have never experienced anxiety or panic attacks in my life until about 2 weeks ago. He wrote me, my sister and my father letters stating how sorry he was and that he simply couldn't go on before he took his life. I am experiencing sudden and pretty intense anxiety as of two...
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When my children were little they loved to be tickled. However, in order for the tickle monster to stop they would repeat the words,"You're the best mom in the world and I can't live my life without you!" Now the irony is I have to live my life without them. What a strange turn of events to be part of.
On October 22, 2022 which was a saturday. I was at home and we were doing some things in our yard. I was taking a break and was scrolling thru FB, and came upon one of my KIDS, not bio, but he was most definitely one of mine. He was on live. so i clicked the link. He was out at the lake. He had the camera turned so you could see the water. trees, then it came up on the shore and you could see the water hitting the rocks. You see him turn the camera around and position it so you can see his...
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Hello my name is Melissa and on 3/3/22 I lost my sister to suicide. Her name was Mila. She is missed every minute of everyday .
This picture was the last time I ever saw my Sister. Christmas Eve of 2021.
On December 9, 2022 my son, Joshua, age 36, died by suicide. I spent the last 4 weeks planning his Celebration of Life, which was held this past Saturday. For the last 4 weeks I have focused on everything and everyone else, especially my 3 grandsons, Joshua's twin brother and his older brother. Today as things are settling and people who came from away and are preparing to leave I am realizing I am not okay. I have not been able to return to work and I feel guilty about that. I bounce...
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January 7th made 3 years. For almost 2 years I could hardly leave my bed. I would sit in the dark a lot. I would cook and clean for my family and then I was off to bed. My grief for my sister was unbearable. My husband finally had enough and told me he wanted a divorce. He was tired of sitting home and he started to go out with his friends. I was affecting my 2 daughters also.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I brought this all on myself. All my stressed caused me to get...
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I am 5 weeks out from losing my 17 year old daughter. I have sobbed, yelled in the car when I’m by myself, and am numb at times. I cried 2 days ago. No crying since then. I just feel completely irritable. Not angry exactly but just sort of irritated at everything and everyone. I am feeling pretty guilty for not crying for 2 days now. I’m still completely in grief and miss my J horribly.
I just don’t know what to make of this emotion. Is it normal? What do I do with it?
Managed to get the boxes of Martin's treasure possessions out of storage - had a peep inside and took a few items out but could not go any further. I know it sounds strange, but even thinking of moving them on becomes akin to just another loss. But I must be brave. The old toys are crying out to be kept (in my head, that is) but at the same time they will find new homes and new owners who will love them, just as Martin once did. Moving them on sort of makes me feel that I am growing away...
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I am wondering if anyone has experienced a sound bath? I am and have been very attracted to sound as a healing form since a couple of months after losing my son. I looked on YouTube and Instagraam and found some videos but wondered if something was lost in the recorded version. I bought 2 Koshi chimes and I have played those regularly for over a year now. I did feel a distinct shift in myself around the beginning of December in that the weighted feeling of sorrow and it was near debilitating...
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I am here because my husband died by suicide about a month ago and I feel so lost without him and struggling to understand. He had dealt with depression on and off for the 26 yrs we were together. He told me years ago the only reason he was still here was because he didn't want to put his mother through that pain. But then it seemed to come and go. Nothing ever seemed to be enough for him, he was always searching for something to make him feel happy and fulfilled, and I don't think...
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It’s now 2150 and I thought I’d log on for a quick visit…OMG as I logged on, with ear phones in ( in lounge, hubby watching a program) Music started to blare in my ears. It made me jump out of my skin……This is exactly the part of the song it opened up on…..Just to add…when the music nearly knocked me over with the loudness of it…. I was staring at the forum page….
Everybody here is out of sight
They don't bark, and they don't bite
They keep things loose, they keep 'em tight
Everybody was...
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So it’ll be seven months tomorrow without my sweet H.
I have made adjustments in these seven months. Certain things have become a lot easier to deal with, but the grief and missing her never diminishes. Regardless of how understood you become with the circumstances and suicide in general, the fact that you miss someone you love dearly knowing they will never return as they were will always be there and remains the same.
I just spent so much time at her place that last month, especially...
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when it comes to suicide depiction in film. In the past few months, we've sat down to watch a movie, and then there is a scene with a suicide, in graphic detail. It instantly sends me into a dark place that is really hard to get out of. If I had known that this suicide scene was in the film, I never would have watched it. Why can't there be a clear warning for those of us still traumatized by the suicide of our loved ones? Even after 8 years, triggers me every time. Am I the only one...
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I lost my Mama in early October. She was in her late 70s. I know we all say this, but it was a complete shock. No history of mental illness. No substance abuse. No terminal illnesses that we know about. She was engaged and energetic until the last year and a half. We knew she was struggling, and thought she’d get better in time. I was told that older people often go through a period of depression. It was the first depression anyone had known her to experience. I didn’t even conceive that...
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Did anyone has these constant anxiety in their stomach,like twisting knife all the time? Also lost of apetite and depression
Happy 32nd birthday in heaven, Adam. Tonight, we’ll have pizza for dinner in your honor. Of course, I made green (mint) brownies for dessert – your favorite. As I baked them yesterday, so many sweet memories scrolled through my mind.
It’s been 3 ½ years since you’ve been gone. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you and miss your goofy face.
The below was read out by my yoga teacher yesterday during the last 5 mins relaxation. Words that touched me and surfaced emotions.
I wanted to share with you as I feel that it’s a reminder to us all, to take the rough with the smooth, the sadness and the laughter because life is a journey full of emotions and we must live them all.
The last five line stood out to me as I thought of each and everyone of my AOH friends. We are survivors and onwards we March together.
No, 2023 won’t be...
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...of pain, of grief, devastatingly, can be so unexpected, so random and intensely difficult to get through.
I wanted more for him than he wanted, or was able to do, for himself.
Dreams I had, allowed myself to hope, all crushed.
He will never marry, he will never have children, be with his family, grow old.
He will never travel, see so much of the world, so much of it so beautiful.
He won't be here for any of the holidays he loved so much.
I will never share his great laugh and...
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I got up this morning feeling so heavy and numb and confused.
We have had beautiful spring like weather for the last week or so and you would think that depression wouldn't be settling in but it sure feels like it.
I am foggy.
I read one of Helena's journals written around the time of her move to Los Angeles.
And when I finished it this morning, I just wanted to apologize to her for being so caught up in my own life that I didn't realize what she was going through.
She could have used some...
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My son and I found my 14yo daughter unresponsive. We attempted to revive her. Her passing was so very unexpected, she was bright, funny, artistic, and she loved the natural world and younger children. She was always future focused and no one that she knew had a clue that she was suffering in the ways that could lead to this end. She left us on 12/27/21, the day after her Gammies 70th birthday party. We have survived her missing from us for one year and yet we still sit in shock and disbelief...
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Hello. Gotta find something that will actually help. 22 months ago my boy decided he wanted to go back home. He was 5 months shy of his 21st bday.
I am not taking it so well. March will be 2 years living this new life without Jonah
My son took his life at the age of 25 this past August. He had been suffering from mental health for the past few years since graduating from college. He had such a bright future ahead and was so talented. He was living with us the last three years and they were difficult. My heart hurts for his pain he went through. The loss has been immense. Thank you any support or help.
Tomortow makes 7 weeks since I lost my mom to suicide. Although not intentionally, it seems i keep thinking about the loss in terms of weeks. My heart still burns with pain and I breakdown daily, though if there’s such a thing a better. I am experiencing some relief with time. My mom was in a deep depression and withdrew in the months before her death, and she was isolating—completely unlike her, so I’m also missing the time we could’ve had in the months leading up to her death. I’m rambling...
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We met in a sun dappled park
where geese rested
from migration's toils
and water whispered furtively.
Light & dark.
Sunshine & shadow.
We danced a minuet
born of innocence
yet filled with knowing.
Across the years
we met, time & again,
the rivers of our lives
converging, diverging, merging.
Joy & laughter
lifted us above the noise of life.
Tears & despair
drove us deeper than worms.
Through it all,
love abided.
Ah, if only love
had been enough.
6:40 am today I woke up from what was a very unusual experience. I’m not sure what to make of this one.
There were quite a lot of scenes in vivid color and detail. When I woke up I could only remember a few. My husband was with me. We were both young. We walked through a little town, and the sun was shining. It was nice. We did a lot of fun things together, and then I sat down, and he stretched out on a bench like an old fashioned train station bench nearby. I wanted him to look at this big...
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My daughter has a friend who recently lost a parent to cancer. Before the holidays, she told me that she instructed her friend to create a holiday plan ahead of time to help cope with her first year of loss. I was both proud of her for helping a friend grieve and so very sorry that, at her young age, she understands the overwhelmingness of grief during the holidays and has tools to help others cope. It made me mad again at my son for acting and myself for not protecting her. So many...
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I am wondering if anyone has information about why people do this when their loved one is home? Sometimes I am upset with the survivor who was home with him For many reasons and Sometimes I’m upset with him because it seems like a violent act towards her as well. Does anyone know of reading or videos so I can understand better? Please and thank you
I'd been looking for a bumper sticker that has the Suicide Prevention message and 988 number and cannot find what I'm looking for. Car magnet, etc. If there's one available somewhere please let me know. Stickers are 4" x 4" which is too small.
It shouldn't be such a challenge to find this sort of thing.
Two month ago tomorrow, my brother and sister-in-law took their lives. A Facebook group I joined suggested the Alliance, and I hope to find—and give—comfort and support among you.
Its been over a year since my dad sat in his tv room and pulled the trigger to a handgun, he was 89 and his health was deteriorating fast. I don't blame him. I just miss him.
Its not the way i expected him to pass, i was hoping he would die in his sleep or favorite recliner, i am glad i didnt walk into the scene but my brothers did they are forever haunted by the image.
Today i was catching up on the TV show Yellowstone
In the show his son has a shot gun under his chin sitting on a...
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Good morning, all...my family was recently faced with a failed suicide attempt of our 26 year old daughter, leaving her paralyzed. We are trying to find a local support group near Farmingdale, NY
Hi y'all
I'm a 75 yo mother of 2. My youngest, Shane ended his life on May 31, 2022. He was 50. Thank goodness my daughter is alive and well and we have an awesome relationship I have 2 creative outlets: I make and sell one of a kind jewelry. And I paint mostly with oils and have success with selling my paintings
Loosing a parent at any age to suicide is horrific-parents are your foundation. Loosing a parent to suicide as a child carries its own unique experiences. I have connected to a few other people here who lost a parent when they were children, I thought it might be good to make a post for those who also are looking to connect with this sub-relationship to loss.
We are in different times now and there is a lot more awareness and support around suicide loss, but for many of us who are now...
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I just wanted to say a few things but might expand on this soon. It's really difficult to go through the few different dates associated with my loved one, two major ones were his death and months later, his burial. Then the holidays came quickly. Glad they are past, but already my body, mind, heart or all of them had to remind me his birthday is next month. It's almost too much. 4th birthday. And his age will be a nice round number. I don't want to say too much more. I miss him.
I...
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Im so angry why my sister lefr me.She knew I could not take this pain.I begged her to not talk about suicide,I told her if she do that I will die too.Why she didnt listen and understand me?
Hi - I’m struggling each day to move forward after my sister’s death on 11/10. Her Memorial Service, which I am organizing , is taking place this coming Saturday. I was hoping that some of you could provide ideas on some things that you have done or experienced at a memorial service that have stood out for you. Subtle things. I want to celebrate her life but I’m feeling so heavy about the whole situation.
Thank you.
This morning I was wondering what I might do with my brother‘s collection of Smurf figures from his childhood. A few hours later in the car, I passed these unique hay bales on a country road, near a small town called Ashburton. I couldn’t believe my eyes! A joke from my brother? I found an online photo to share the humour with you all.
This week we changed our daily schedules. The kids are back to school and sports after the holidays thank goodness those are behind us now. This week I have forced myself to get a routine and also had to get back to work as I feel the world has stopped unfortunately the bills don't care. I also feel a little better mentally in having a routine. I am staying sober and focusing on the gym and work as my kids are off to school early and I don't want to be home alone even though it feels...
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We (and the Medical Examiner) are fairly certain that our daughter's suicide wasn't intentional. She was 12. She left nothing behind to indicate she was struggling - no notes, dark drawings and messages to her friends on her phone were "typical 12 year-old" things. We strongly believe she was fooling around, wondering what it felt like to choke, and it got out of control (hanging).
The ME said that her death certificate has to say suicide, which is annoying. But our life insurance is...
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I am 51 days in. I have had handfuls of good days where I feel weirdly balanced and settled. I know not to trust those because I feel like the grief I'll experience the next day will be worse then days I've had before. The permanence of this is so ****ing painful I can't even believe it. I cannot believe that the person I was driving around with getting groceries with three months ago is in a box that was mailed home to me from the US marked remains. That he will never sit beside me on this...
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Hi
Did anyone of your loved ones had bordeline personality disorder?
I think my sister had but was never diagnosed.She was having highs and lows,feelings of emtiness and depression,distorted self image,thought that no one loved her and impulsivness.She was always seeking for validation and approval from others and was scared of abandonment...Also I think that her suicide was impulsive act...And cant help it wondering if would have been prevented
Today is the day that we had to go pick up my daughter's remains. Of course, I immediately start crying once I get to the place and really lose it when I see her urn on the desk along with her clothes from the viewing and the night she died. Death Certificates, locks of hair, you name it, anything sitting on that desk just broke my heart into a million more pieces. I didn't think it could break any more than it already has this past month.
As I'm sitting in the passenger seat on the way...
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I lost my 22 year old son a few days ago. He was a kind and gentle young man tormented with his mental health illness. My spouse and daughter and I are so lost.
- Why does it seem like it is so far away? January 4th, 3:42 am, still as clear as yesterday. All the details of that morning. All the details I found out that day and after. And yet, there's one detail I will never know which is so little in comparison,. but I don't know what shirt he wore. God, why doesn't this get easier? I just graduated from college. and yet I feel no better, no different. I feel no pride no joy. I am still playing the part of a mother to a daughter who needs me (...
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I found an old journal today from when my son was little. I was talking about all the joy he brought us and how I loved being his mom. I felt that I was finally doing what I was meant to do.
He was my only child so that's all gone now.
It's been over 5 years since he left us at age 16. The passage of time has been hard. I miss my son every moment and love him more than words could ever express. I miss my son and I miss being his mom.
The quoted excerpt below is from Madeleine L'Engle's 1988 Foreword to A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, a book written after the loss of his wife, which book I very highly recommend. The words that hit me like a ton of bricks are in bold type.
In a similar vein, a speaker at my UU church recently shared these words from the miraculous James Baldwin (bolding added) — 'I must believe, I must believe, that the heavy grace of God, which has brought me to this point, is all that can...
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I can say that the firsts are not what I expected. They were very empty and no feelings, not even numbness. My goal is to find some peace, happiness and a purpose to keep going.
That's what others might say, and that's fine. But to me, it isn't just a stove. It's a huge accomplishment, and one that shows how far I've come over the last three years.
Last summer one of the elements in the bottom oven of my stove (it had a double oven) caught fire at a weak spot as it was being preheated to bake a pizza. Since the top oven still worked, I just used that and didn't really worry about getting it fixed right away. Last week, though, I thought about it and realized that...
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Im doing okay overall. But Im kind of embarrassed to admit this. I check his moms facebook everyday. And his ex gfs page too. All they post about is grief and him. I dont know why I do it.
Short backstory, his family hurt me a lot just as he did. Me and him were dating and they put the love of his life as the ex gf (in the obituary)
The family banned me from attending his funeral.
I was the one who found him.
They pretended like I didnt exist. Im not mad at them. I feel sorry for them...
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I have decided to attend the state advocacy day here in Florida on Feb 8th. It is in person and I will share ALL of Kristin's story. We need funding, we need access to care and I will fight for those things as long as I am here.
Pops
I lost my husband to suicide in Oct 2022. He was only 39. Even though I will never know exactly what happened I do have a close theory. He had stopped taking his depression medication cold Turkey. 8 months later he started having mental breaks and negative voices in his head. He was also addicted to Kratom which I didn’t know he was taking all the time nor did I know it was addictive. He tried to get back in his medicine, get help from a psychiatrist (new meds) and his family and...
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J my beautiful son took his life on Dec 9th, 2022. J was loved by many. He had such an infectious smile and laugh that made everyone around him happy too. We had no idea. We were planning his graduation from college. He was supposed to graduate on Dec 10th or so we thought. I haven't reached out to the college yet to find out how many credits he needed and what was missing. He'd been telling us for months and weeks that he was graduating. The night before the worst happened he came home from...
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It’s been almost 2 years. This is my first time reaching out for support. I have 4 grown children (19-24) my husband took his life (after 25 yrs of marriage) & then all his secrets came out. I don’t know who I was married to. Not sure the best group for me…
Today while scrolling on Facebook I saw something that reminded me of my sweet friend H.
There was an alert post about a dog that was loose and missing. In one of the pictures she looked like she was playing with a plastic cheese pizza toy. Instantly I thought of my friend.
Cheese pizza was one of her favorite foods. It was probably her favorite American-based food. There were a few occasions where at lunch time at work she and I would stop at the nearby pizza place so she could get a...
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J has been gone since Dec 9th 2022. Thinking about going back to work fills me with such anxiety. I teach middle school. I know the kids will be supportive, but seeing everyone at work is frightening. My doctor wrote me a note to stay out of work until March. I don't think I can stay out that long, but I'm not sure when I can return. Students and teachers returned back to work today after the Christmas holiday. My principal is very supportive, but I feel guilty. Parents have told me not to...
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A player dies on the field? My son's fiancee was brain dead? My son shot himself in the head? I'm over you, God.
My sister just wrote me a huge text saying how horrible I'm being to my parents by not talking to them out or wanting to hang out. My husband just died a month ago. I'm visiting my sister over the holidays and it's been complete torture. I've attended dinners with all 14 members of my family and it's been extremely difficult not having my husband there. My Mom keeps asking how I am and why I'm not talking. I snapped back what do you think. I don't want to take right now. I can barely breath...
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Hi everyone,
Here’s my introduction? It’s a long story so sorry.
Me and my partner have been together since we were 15 high school sweethearts! We were in love and we had a child together this year in May. He passed away when she was 2 months old leaving me behind.
The story to why he took his life is very upsetting. Mentions of rape and abuse and suicide
I was raped when I was younger which gave me trauma and it gave him trauma. When he found out he was really sorry for me and was...
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Now tonight the little dog I bought her has died and he's forever 14 . Lucky I had him that long god bless all our loved ones and us who miss them and suffer. Luckily I still have her other dog we're going to need each other more
I made it though his 1 year anniversary (11/22), Thanksgiving, Christmas and today is his 19th birthday. I still have no desire to live. How do you keep on knowing that everyday is just a matter of trying to survive? This is simply unbearable. I know I could never do this to my surviving children but I long for this to be over.
I used to enjoy New Years. I used to love staying up, watching all the New Year’s Eve programming, and reaching out to people to celebrate the New Year.
My best friend died just over two years ago, about a week before New Years, so I was basically in shock and barely acknowledged it (New Years 2021). Last New Years I was traveling on New Year’s Day so I was distracted, but also more interested in getting sleep than celebrating. This year I’ve just had the feeling of, can New Years just go...
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I lost my younger sister a month ago.Im not coping well at all.I dont what to do with myself
Hello everyone.
I’ve not been here in more than a year. But I’m finding these past few weeks very difficult… it’s 2am.. and I needed to talk.
I am 4.5 years out. I know I’ve been holding a lot of anger and I know my fuse is shorter lately; often with my kids. This makes me feel very guilty.
I read something that my 11 year old wrote recently. He was upset with me because I’ve limited video game time.. long story. We were away on a trip with friends and he had one very tough evening. I was...
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I know this is a touchy subject. I don’t know if there is a way right now to prevent suicide. I know there probably are not enough beds available in hospitals and facilities .Many have to travel to different states to go for help. Both my husband and son were in the intensive care unit, took medications, were in the psych ward and had therapy. It did not work. Why are there not enough beds and facilities to take care of vulnerable individuals when it comes to suicide attempts and risks? What...
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I spent the day preparing the soil to receive the plants for Connor’s memorial butterfly garden.
The soil here is so rock hard. Depleted of all nutrients. Empty of everything needed to promote healthy growth of the plants.
I have been trying to nurture the earth. Adding good top soil mixed with healthy organic Ingredients, compost, lime, nitrites. Everything I can think of to promote a healthy garden Which I will begin to plant in the spring.
As I worked, all I could think of was how...
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Hello everyone. Hope all is well and had an enjoyable holiday season. The holidays went smoother for me in 2022 than they did in 2021. I gave a toast at Christmas which referred to the losses as being difficult in 2021 and 2022. I did refer to the family being around as still quite important and wanted to note that also. I recently passed six months on the loss of my father's mother. In two weeks it will be a year and a half since my father's father took his life. I'm hopeful that 2023...
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I lost my brother in July. He suffered from depression and addictions for some time, but was very good at hiding it so I only started to find out about it after our Mom died 3 years ago. I wanted to be there for him. Sometimes I could and other times he was very closed off. I’m glad I made the effort. The hardest part is, I had just started to think he was turning the corner and about to be ok. He got healthier, had a new job he liked, and plans for the future. But a tragic accident...
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While I had the windex and cloth out from cleaning the hallway mirror, I thought, what’s the harm in wiping off the finger prints from the alarm monitor? I immediately set off the alarm and got a note that the state police were called. Within seconds I ended the alarm and cancelled the call. fifteen minutes later I hear and see a trooper entering my back deck and porch.
she was concerned that my back door was unlocked but when she saw me asked if I accidentally tripped the alarm. I said...
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Back in 1990, I can remember this day oh so well feelilng gidish, that "good anxiety" of OMG, Do I need a hair cut? , make sure you brush your teeth! ok clothes look good - check! etc. etc.
Little did I know that 1st date with you would lead me to marrying the love of my life. I had only briely met Lisa the night before while passing each other while walking but we both could not stop looking at eachother, about an hour later we landed in the same bar and I bought her a drink, we...
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A huge thank you to all who supported our fundraising campaign. Thanks to you, we not only reached our goal ... but passed it yesterday. We raised $72,698.
The Alliance of Hope has always been a grassroots nonprofit. Founded and funded by survivors, standing on the shoulders of pioneers like Iris Bolton who had the courage to speak out about the pain of suicide loss years ago. Together as a community, we ensure that those who are living through the unimaginable have others to...
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I lost my amazing, wonderful, smart, funny nephew in September, just days before his 24th birthday. I was very close to him as my sister raised him as a single parent, who traveled for work some and we have a very small family. I’m still in shock from the events that occurred the day we found him. My life will never be the same. I have an empty hole that I can’t over come. It’s hard to move, breathe most days.
"One always measures friendships by how they show up in bad weather." Winston Churchill. One of my most favorite historical figures, as he is for many
.
This trauma, this indescribable pain, of having lost a loved one by suicide, is overwhelming in every sense. Those around us will unwittingly bear witness to our suffering, the seemingly unbearable waves of grief and agony, hitting relentlessly, over and over, day after day, year after year. This tragedy for us, and for that of the one...
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It is summer here, and in the icy cold mountain lake, children are splashing and swimming- shivering never stops them churning up the water in imaginative games.
When my brother was a little boy, he was mesmerised by the ‘ Man from Atlantis ’ who enthralled children everywhere with his underwater swim. Arms were positioned to the sides, legs were pinioned together and bodies snaked underwater for many meters as we all imitated this signature swimming move. My brother was determined to do...
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Hello
I'm here because my partner's relative killed himself in my partner's home. I feel so depressed and helpless because I can't be with my partner right now and I can't imagine what he's feeling or going through.
The death seemed sudden. The relative had taken some stuff from my partner and then said he'd give it back. Next thing he suddenly took his life.
I don't know what to do or how to help my partner get through this. He's currently looking for a place to stay temporarily as he...
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In 20 minutes, it’ll be 2023. My heart aches so much that I can literally feel a burn. Five weeks into this journey, I feel so sad to leave 2022 without my mom. I’m still in shock and it’s surreal to think I’m going into 2023 without her here. Just when I think there aren’t tears left, the sorrow roses up again. I know it’s so hard for all of us and though I believe this is something that will be with us all for a lifetime, I do pray you are comforted in those heart piercing moments and able...
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Hi, I lost my big brother in october, my mom and I were in the house and basically present when everything happened. I usted to have very wholesome theories about what happens after death, but I'm not so sure anymore. I lost my dad two years ago (to illness) and I thought I knew grief but this is fully something else. I really love my brother so much and I've looked up to him my whole life, I cannot believe he did what he did to himself in such a violent fashion, I really struggle to light...
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Was always the first one to text me “HAPPY NEW YEAR” or MERRY CHRISTMAS “ or “HAPPY TURKEY DAY”, or “HAPPY VD DAY”. (His silly sense of humor.).
But he ALWAYS did. And he was also ALWAYS the first.
Followed by a mass amount of emojis.
I will miss that the rest of my life.
sadly, my two living sons did not even text me this Christmas. We had put off our family get together till this weekend, then had to reschedule because my third son has Covid. Still have not had our “Christmas “...
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I am sitting here on the last day of the last year that my baby boy existed on the planet. I just do not understand how we got here (any of us). I still cannot believe that my son is dead. It repeats in my head over and over again. First Christmas Eve, Christmas, his birthday, New Year's Eve, and soon New Year's Day without him. My mind goes to the future. This is only the beginning of a life without him. I just do not know how to be in a world with no him (no need to worry about that...
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As we stand at the threshold of a New Year (some of you are already there) I just wanted to extend my love tonight and wish with all my heart that as we walk on together we find courage and glimmers of peace in 2023.
Our beautiful people live on in our souls and no matter what will always be with us. They will be our strength. They will guide us until we are together again.
Love is eternal.
God bless you all.
Prayers and warm hugs Xx
This was my 3rd Christmas without my son, my first Christmas without my mother, daughter and granddaughter. I was lucky enough to be invited to my nephew’s home for Christmas dinner. I didn’t want to go but went for my husband’s sake. I felt very vulnerable and sad to be there. My sister has 4 sons and 4 grandsons. For 35 years they all came to our home on Christmas Eve. They were close to my kids and it was hard to watch them all being happy and carefree, celebrating as always. I was...
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Hi,
We lost our 26-year-old son on Dec 9, 2022. I was not prepared for this loss. We didn't see any struggles in him that would cause him to do this. He was still living at home with us and was finishing up his last year of college. I am not sure how to proceed with normal. I don't have reasons as to why he did what he did and I'm so confused. I loved him so much and I know he loved us. I'd even talked to him about suicide at different times. Not because I thought he would ever do that, but...
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Struggling with suicide of brother and only real family member. He did it last week. Left behind an 11 year old son I'm trying to get custody of. Also survived by 3 other children. His wife has cut off any communication with me or the children.
I was thinking tonight it's as though he was drowning and I could not find a lifejacket to throw to him. He sunk underwater before my eyes. I'd looked desperately for that lifejacket and never had one to give, or one that worked. I just had to stand by and watch it happen.
I wish I'd had a lifejacket to throw him.....but I did not. I tried, but I did not. And that makes me so sad.
Today would have been his birthday.
My brother’s official date of death is 12-31-20 based on when he was found. Based on the autopsy and police report, I feel that he left us early in the evening of 12-30-20. I know this might sound weird but I have a cat toy that used to belong to my brother. The cat toy makes noise when it is moved. The toy was in a box and just started making noise on its own tonight. It did it three times. I believe the vibration from the tv speaker set it off. But I often put that toy in that box...
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Tomorrow starts the beginning of the end with my first son to die 5 years ago. 16 days later he’d be dead. Six days before Connor’s 5th anniversary to die, I have to figure out how to make it through Johnny’s birthday. January 10. Connor killed himself 6 days after my first so’s birthday. Then one month and two days after I have to live through another anniversary of Connor being gone, I have to figure out how I can get through the first anniversary of Johnny’s death.
I am so sad. My body...
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...the last 30 years, give or take.
For all this time I believed that if my brother and mother dealt with their emotional issues they would just stop drinking. Wouldn't need it anymore. Certainly that would have helped. The drinking likely began as a coping mechanism for the emotional issues. Then it was the issue.
I didn't understand that. And I cannot cure Alcohol Use Disorder, (AUD).
This may not surprise you, but apparently it's surprised me.
During brief periods of sobriety...
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I lost my father to suicide 20 years ago, when I was 10. And I am still not over it. I am in therapy again, touching on the topic and it hurts every day now. I get anxious, I cry, I feel alone, I am afraid it won't go away. I realised this year what a trauma this has been, how it's sitting in my body. I'd like to feel less. I'd like not to be afraid to love a man for fear of them not loving me back and me thinking I can't take it.
Will this ever get better?
I don't know anyone who's...
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....and I'm really hoping this 'incident' can be blamed on Grief Brain....I wanted to share my impression of an absent minded demolition derby... on a recent car purchase. I don't even have the plates yet.
Hitting the cement barrier at the end of a parking space is nothing new to me, and I heard it scape underneath the car when I pulled out, but I hadn't realized I'd left the entire front grill cover behind...
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I lost my partner in 2017. Our son was two years old….he is seven now.
I read that when parents wait a long time to reveal the truth to their kids about the cause of death, children feel betrayed and wished they knew earlier.
My question is….how early would you have liked to know the truth?
My son is only seven so I won’t be sharing the whole information. He knows that daddy was sick. I am planning to share with him later on in life when it feels right to me. Please share your...
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Its been over 4 months since hes gone. Ive returned to work. A lot of things at work remind me of him. He used to put food and snacks in my mailbox. Today I found a notepad of his. I dont know if someone else put it there. I dont cry as much anymore. Work reminds me of him a lot.
Most importantly, I dont blame myself. I miss him. Sometimes a lot. But Im used to him not being here anymore. I still feel and experience paranormal things
Im still upset of how wrong he did me. How wrong he hurt...
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I saw a tik tok tonight about the statistics of children who have a parent commit suicide before age 18 being 3 times more like to also commit suicide. I hate it. It makes my blood boil. Anytime anyone mentions stats like that I get so angry. Also since I witnessed it im more likely to choose suicide too.
I want to scream at J and tell him we aren’t more likely to die because he did. We are people. We can still live and thrive. We aren’t numbers. There’s no magically suicide fairy who is...
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I’m less than two months into this journey and I know that is very early. I’ve read the advice of everyone to go back to basics and practice self care… but I can’t make myself care enough to do any of it. I’m dehydrated, not sleeping, eating poorly. Prior to this, I was making improvements in my overall health by exercising but I feel like I’m barely functioning now. At first I wasn’t eating, then overeating, now back to not eating as much but when I do it isn’t healthy. I fill up large...
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Taking control and challenging yourself helps. It’s not easy when grief is hitting from all directions and all you want to do is climb under your duvet. But if you can push yourself through and discipline yourself just for 30 mins a day it really does helps with Mind and body.
It doesn’t have to be difficult to stick to, just turning up for those who love yoga can be just as powerful as starting something new.
The idea of these practices is that through daily centering we are able to...
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My husband loved Hostess Snoballs. I Have no idea why, he just did. I tried to pass them in the store without purchasing them, but was unsuccessfu. I had to do it even though my husband is physically gone. I actually felt good about it. I just really needed that connection. I also purchased a few other things he loved to indulge in at Christmas time. Then I brought them all home and placed them in his stocking. Yes, I hung a stocking for him for my own sanity. It has its special place in...
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I lost my daughter 08/02/2022 and the emotional Waves are still hard and sometimes seems unbearable. I'm trying to hold everyone else together and it's overwhelming sometimes. My daughter turned 30 in June and hung herself in August leaving all of us behind including her daughter.
I'm angry I'm sad I'm happy she found peace but hate how she got it, I'm fearful of losing anything else but kinda don't care if everything just go away ECT ECT....
I lost my boss/ coworker I loved very much in...
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Thought it might be helpful to get input on New Years resolutions. I always make them. Sometimes I keep them. Anyone want to start a thread? I’ll kick it off
love more, complain less
honor memories, forget harm done
I want to wish everyone here the strength and Peace to make it through what can be very difficult days of a holiday season. I know how distressing it can be for anyone living with the loss of their loved one to suicide (or any other means). Our first Christmas without our beloved daughter, Buttercup, was only 12 days after she passed over via suicide. We made it through that first one somehow, and today is now the 8th Christmas since her death.
I want to share some happy news with my AOH...
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Hi all,
It's me again.
I couldn't find a way to indicate a sensitive/triggering topic in my post, so that's why I've used the spoiler tag.
In the space of a couple of weeks I've gone from acknowledging scant details found in an article about Steve's death, to having a more complete understanding of how he left the world - 'found in a car' could have meant many things, but I now understand the reference to indicate carbon monoxide poisoning.
I find it especially harrowing when the...
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I have a blue spiral bound notebook. It was my son's from some class. It had a lot of pages left so he kept it. His name is on the front. I found it in my room recently and I write in it for him, about him. I keep it by my bed. I haven't written in it so much. Just when I think of something I don't want to forget. Something I need to share with him.
I walk almost everyday and talk to Derek or to God or to myself or just to no one. This helps a little, sometimes.
Today I went to the...
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I was already having an intense grief day and something just happened that made me almost bawl my eyes out.
After my friend passed I deleted Venmo off of my phone. Venmo was her favorite method of sending people money for things like meals out, coffee, expenses, etc. She and I would frequently get coffee and food together and I generally always used my card and she would Venmo me her share. Of course, I always offered to pay in full. She sometimes paid for me too. I had to download Venmo...
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My husband and I had an awful argument. I was dealing with pain from surgery. Things got out of control. He just looked at me and he didn't say anything. I went to the bedroom it was going to bed and he came up behind me and shot himself. The argument goes over and over in my mind. And I question why I said such horrible things.
My friend supported me when I was going through some tough times in July. We both volunteered together. We were planning to do a video call or a phone call forever, but something always came up. We primarily talked through text.
I feel sooooo guilty for not calling or video calling. Also, we have also been planning to meet up in person too and something always came up. I never lost a friend before, and my heart breaks.
Any words of comfort would be appreciated. The guilt is immobilizing...
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Like the dew on pink tulips that glistens with the rising sun
Or the delicate sweet scent coming off of purple lavender fields on a midsummer day
Or the mystic melodies sung by nightingales at dusk on an autumn’s eve
Like Carolina’s radiant smile, dark honey eyes that welcomed you with warmth and care and invited love
Like life itself
Beautiful and fleeting
At our previous house, we had a plant called a (African) Flame Lily, and it's Zimbabwe's national flower. It would come up during the summer months (October - March) but only bloom December/January, usually in time for a beautiful Christmas display.
Anyway, shortly after our son died, a visitor asked what the plant's name was, but I could not remember. He then just called it "my child's lily". Although that plant was in the garden for the previous +-15 years, it was located in one sunny...
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and I’m going to believe that we all made it through this day. I really feel that the buildup to and anticipation of holidays and anniversaries are so much worse than the actual day. I believe they are, at least for me. Many deep breaths were taken. Now we can all take a huge sigh of relief!! Good job done by all of us, no matter what transpired. Hugs to us!! from our loved ones who weren’t present today. They are missed.
Hi, I’m Dani. I am Manny’s mum. He was days short of his 19 th birthday when he took his life.
It has been a while since I posted here. I am now able to move from my bed and work (it is remote, so that helps) and I have visited with some friends. I am going to therapy, they upped my meds, which I think has helped me to not lay comatose in bed. But now I get these strange burst of wanting to do something but I don't know what that is. I tried running, but I have no stamina, so that didn't really work. I am thinking about trying a gym, but I am not sure how I will do with a crowd...
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This is going to sound really strange to a lot of you on here given what we are dealing with, but this was the quote someone shared:
“Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive is probably the realest pain you will ever feel.”
Now, obviously there are certain parts of this I don’t agree with. Nothing compares to the pain you feel when you have gotten the news that your loved one passed away from suicide. You know they can never come back and that is a definite. But I feel it does...
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It’s been so hard just sitting and sharing a meal with my family. Feelings of pain are so raw with me since losing my sister in 11/10 that motivating to have a family dinner is hard for me. Tonight I sat with my wife and daughter and enjoyed a meal together.
The arrival of Christmas and the time before the new year means my H is on my mind heavily today, more than usual.
I was missing her and visited her Linked In page, which is still active. It still shows her as presently working. Sigh.
I scrolled through her most recent activity. I went all the way down to a year ago, just before New Years 2022. She was so outgoing and warm. As is the nature of LinkedIn they were mostly congratulating connections on promotions, graduations, and other...
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We have many friends and acquaintances that treat us like cryptonite now. There is one family that does not. However, they overstep all the time. It is Christmas Day and the weather here is not great for driving. Yet, they have invited my daughter to THEIR house this evening. No one asked us. This is the second year they have pulled this. Why don’t they just adopt her? This is unkind. Masked as kindness. We did not stop being a family when D passed, and yet, there they are every chance they...
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We lost my baby G at 18 - 17 months ago today. Last night we had a fire. My grandsons and my older daughter are visiting. My youngest son lives with us. None of us are injured.
The fire was in our outbuilding that has air conditioning/ heat. Our washing machine and dryer and storage and tools and lawn equipment etc are in there. And some of G’s things. Most everything is destroyed. As well as some structural issues.
. But most importantly We house our 3 dogs for sleeping out there. G’s...
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My sister Ann died by suicide on September 9, 2013. Her birthday is September 10. This year, nine years after her suicide, she would have turned 70 years old. In my family we get together in the summer for a family reunion and recognize landmark birthdays. I had made plans, over a year ago, to observe Ann's birthday, which seemed a great way to celebrate her life. Due to a variety of circumstances, including Covid, the plans fell apart. My wife and I were out of the country for mid...
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Hello everyone,
I am new here. Thank you for having this community. I recently found out that on October 7th, my friend passed away from suicide. She was a very passionate, creative person, a wonderful graphic designer, and excellent at communications and social media.
I was most grateful for her kindness, understanding and ability to realize that we all have our own social batteries and varying energy levels.
She was very compassionate and an advocate for mental health. She was very good...
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Half a year.
Half a year ago my life changed forever.
I had a girl come into my life for a short time. But that short time felt like a lifetime for how much she touched my life and what kind of bond we shared. We had spent more time together in less than a year than many people spend together in multiples of years.
This is someone I loved, and still love, dearly.
In March she will have been gone for the same amount of time as I knew her.
But I feel like I have come a long way, despite...
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I found this informative:
"For many people, living with a mental illness can be the most difficult thing they will ever experience. Even with more information, awareness, and education on the subject of mental health in today’s society, many people suffer quietly and in isolation.
There’s a lot of new research and information describing the toll that mental illness can have on a person’s physical health as well as emotional health. The question, “Will my mental illness negatively affect my...
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Yes, We Can Talk
Having loved enough and lost enough,
I am no longer searching,
just opening.
No longer trying to make sense of pain,
but trying to be a soft and sturdy home
in which real things can land.
These are the irritations that rub into a pearl
So we can talk awhile
but then we must listen,
the way rocks listen to the sea
And we can churn at all that goes wrong
but then we must lay all distractions down,
and water every living seed.
And yes, on nights like tonight
I too feel alone...
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It has been a while since I posted. The 2 year anniversary of my brothers death is in 3 days. I know this time of year will always be difficult. I find myself falling back in to the rabbit hole I struggled so long to get out of. I again find myself going through the same old whatsapps. Same old google pages and podcasts. Obsessively looking for answers I know I will never get. I think the main reason is that I am sooo guilt ridden that I constantly look for evidence to release myself from...
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Calling out for help.
My daughter continues to talk about wanting to take her life.
She is hurt, confused, and not always thinking clearly. She needs inpatient care and not sure how I can help my ex-husband be a bit more forceful to help her get the help she needs.
Any suggestions would be taken with gratitude.
My friend took his life at december 1st 2022 and im still in shock, feeling empty hurt i miss him so much
This was the first Christmas without my dad. Which was hard enough on its own. But then when I think back to last Christmas I remember snapping at him over nothing. Like really snapped because I was angry with him for the way he was treating our immediate family at home versus the fake kind happy helpful person he was being with my extended family. Since losing him in May of this year that memory has caused me guilt many times but today especially. I could have done better I could have been...
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In about 3 hours, 22 years ago, I went into labor and after 9 hours, I had this beautiful baby boy in my arms. Instead of celebrating with him, planning his birthday meal, attempting to make him some dessert he pulled out of the air, I am missing him, crying, my mind writhing in pain, and still asking the universe how the heck we ended up here. How is this my life now????? My baby should be here, turning 22, but he's not, he's **** gone. I am not ready to celebrate the happy memories, he...
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My brother sent me an email this evening. His grandson just had brain surgery on Thursday. It was positive for cancer. I burst into tears when I read his email. His grandson is only in his 20’s . My heart sank when I read the news.
l did go to my son and daughter in law‘s for dinner today. The food was real good. She is a great cook and excellent baker. Another Christmas is almost over. I did cry today on my way home in the car. Another holiday without loved ones. The emptiness will never...
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With such love and gratitude in my heart for the all the kindness, compassion and support you've given me during this time. I can't imagine how I'd have gotten this far without it. Thanks ever so much
Sometime in the past couple weeks I asked him to send a bird to my balcony. I just needed a sign. I haven't seen any birds up here in a long while. I am normally at work all day so maybe they do come around, but nothing even on weekends. I had been at home sick. It took a week or so, but 2 little sparrows appeared and sat, one on the edge of the balcony and one a step up on the railing. The storm was coming in a couple days and I wondered where they keep warm. Maybe they were out...
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My brother's body was discovered on November 7th, 2022. Not has a day has passed that I haven't stopped and sobbed thinking about him. He was 59 years old. I wish we could just mourn him but there are the loose ends to clean up. That's one of the most devastating parts. The having to deal with his personal property & the wounds and loss that it brings up. And not being able to help solve the problems he had leading up to his death. It's just SO painful. I'm glad I have a place to share it...
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When my dear friend H/Zuri came back from her India trip last year just before Christmas, she had given me these two wall decorations from India with Hindi writing. They translate to “hope” and “love”.
Oh, how those words resonate with me now that it is a year later, Christmas 2022, and she has now departed from this world.
But I remember those two words.
I know she is with me today, in her own way.
So I was breaking the rules the other day, and watching a YouTube video on how to cut my own bangs.
Many have tried to stop me but no one can ha!
I had just gotten my hair sectioned off and was picking up the scissors when I got two phone calls at once.
One was my daughter, who has just quit her job and is struggling to find insurance for herself and her children, and one was Helena's funeral director!!!
Curiosity got me so I took the call from LA.
From 2500 miles away and almost 21 months...
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I play along with the holidays mainly for my surviving family. Did all the traditional Christmas things and tried to be jolly.,prepared cookies and gifts and drove three hours back to the family. Felt tired. Turns out I got sick. Flu I think. Isn’t that just spit on your neck and kick you in the crotch fantastic?
So I left early this morning before I spread any more germs. Got home safely and wished my cats a Merry Christmas. Isn’t that pathetic? I’m trying not to be depressed but it’s...
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Hi - every year at this time I start to really go backwards. I've been crying and down for about 3 weeks now. It was triggered by a friend (also a widow) really really snapping me at her 50th birthday party in front of her other friend (she was very very stressed at the time but I was offering to help and she lost it with me), then my Mum criticising me for leaving towels on the floor. I'm struggling to cope, have been ill, feel exhausted, and haven't been able to get myself out of this...
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For those of you who have or still have faith in God, can you help me? Last night was the first time since that most horrible day that I set foot in church. I expected to cry and I did. But I couldn’t stay! I had to walk out. I felt mad and disappointed at God and asked where was he and why didn’t he stop that horrible day from occurring. Please help me.
Feeling sad today. I did finish decorating my Christmas tree. It looks nice. I have not finished cleaning my house. I haven’t even started wrapping presents. I am tired. I did not sleep well last night. I remember how wonderful Christmas was as a child. It was so full of laughter and love. I miss my parents especially this time of year. I called out loud for my mom yesterday. I have not done that in a long time. My childhood home was full of noise. I come from a family of eight. My house is...
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Sending Christmas blessings and comfort to you all this holiday period.
Along with the warmest wishes for the new year and beyond.
Big hugs to you all.
Just found out my daughter has had a second attempt. She called "out of respect" to tell me she almost jumped. A friend talked her down.
She is resistant to inpatient care as a year ago Feb She was 302. Inpatient care has been ruined for her.
She expressed anger and hurt from when she was a child. We have different perspectives, and doing my best to honor and take accountability for not protecting her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with her.
I've been honoring...
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This is my 7th Xmas without my son. It's sad/good to say I'm getting used to it. A double-edged sword, you could say.
For many of you, this will definitely not be the case. And as a fellow survivor, I acknowledge and respect what you are going through.
Best wishes to you and your family over this time, my thoughts are with you.
Hugs
Damon.
I lost my beautiful boy November 2nd 2022. I’m grateful for the support I have had from family, friends and church, but I feel the need to connect with others who have experienced the same kind of loss.
My husband of 8 years came to the end of his disease (bipolar, depression) the end of November 2022. I try to look at his passing as the end of his diseases like if he had terminal cancer (like my first husband did) but it's hard. I miss him!!
It's only been 10 days since I lost my soulmate. I think I've been doing decent taking in what my close friends and sister in law talk about. It seems like little tidbits have become tools so when some of these thoughts hit that put me in a tough spot, I can close my eyes and remember what they told me and walk myself through it. And so much in this forum has helped me do the same.
But one thing that keeps catching me up is things I've read elsewhere from those that attempted suicide and...
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My beautiful husband died a month ago and I'm not sure how to continue without him. I have 2 amazing boys in their early teen years who are just amazing and remain okay through it all so far. I'm still in shock and devastated. I don't show them anymore. I was a wreck the first week. It was a very tragic death. I still hear his laugh and remember his funny ways. He was so handsome and charismatic. He hid it all well, but it was such a roller coaster of emotions with him. He was addicted and...
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I could watch these two for hours . . .
PS: @Ano, the first time I ever heard you mention "tapping," this is what I thought you were doing
She has a boyfriend whom Ive met twice. I like him. He’s divorced and has two kids. One in high school one in college. But I’m not ready to spend ‘one big happy family’ meal together since losing my son, her husband, four years ago. Even though my only grandchild will be there as well. I’ll see her after Christmas. My lie was that I’ve been in close contact with people who have tested positive for COVID and I’m afraid of passing it on if I’m positive. That could actually be true, now that I...
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It’s been a little over 6 weeks since my longtime boyfriend died by suicide. These past few days, I’ve felt as good as I can be, but with Christmas looming near, I feel so much sadness. This is the first time in a long time that I’m not spending the holidays with him, nor have I shopped for gifts for him.
This year, we were supposed to go skiing instead of buying gifts. I returned all of the gear we bought since going without him feels so wrong. He should be here with me.
Even though he...
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I'm not ready to have my first Christmas without my dad or to celebrate his 81st birthday without him on Christmas Eve so this year, Daddy Dog is wearing one of his favorite shirts and will be watching me open some of the gifts "my dad bought me" with the advance we got on our inheritance while things are sorted. I am still making him a birthday cake this year. I got some cake decorations that say "gone fishing" I'm going to make it a bicycling the streets of gold and fishing the crystal...
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...my brother, he'd bought an expensive car in 2019 with a high car payment...for which I will be paying today. Monthly. That's a nice little slug to the gut for all sorts of reasons.
First, that I have to open his paperwork up again and see his signature which hurts
Second, that it would be difficult to not reflect on the fact that he won't have been planning this in 2019, I would assume, which alone makes me cry and dredges up everything else.
Third, did he really have to buy a car with...
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I lost my sister to suicide a month ago. She was a beautiful person and I still can’t believe she’s gone. 27 years ago I lost my brother to suicide and 28 years ago I lost my other brother to the same tragic fate. I am the only one left. I am trying to console my mom every day. I feel that my wife and three kids are not understanding what I’m going through so I am feeling very alone. I have a stressful job that I feel like quitting as it’s not conducive to my emotional health but I...
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With Christmas just 3 day's away I am missing my boys. This will be the 1st Christmas with out both of them. Ben left 2 years ago and Don 4 months ago.
I lost my cousin to suicide in October of 2021. I am struggling immensely, every day. I had to take FMLA from work for 2 months recently to process everything. Last night I went to a womens conference with my mother-in-law and we were sitting next to a family whom she new very well as "fire family". We were talking, she turns to me and says "Can I tell so and so about (my cousin) Implying her suicide" before I even had the chance to respectfully say No she was telling her the graphic...
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This morning my wife and I went to one of our favorite local breakfast spots. We wanted to spend some time making sure everything was done for our little Christmas. When I was paying the credit card machine was acting up and the cashier said 'that darn machine is so bipolar". My wife must have felt my frustration, she gently grabbed my hand and squeezed. She knew I was about to start an education class. I bit my tongue for the sake of my wife.
I am frustrated I did that, I know in my...
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I want to share a bit of my experience.
So much of this has been contradictory. While it feels like it was just yesterday that my H was with me, it also feels like it has been 50 years.
I lost her on 6/9/22.
I am confident that I gave her her last hug. She hugged me in a halfhearted way that lead me to believe she was already gone. We had watched an episode of one of her favorite Netflix shows that night. She also had a therapy session. When I asked how it went, she replied with that...
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Today with the help of my parents, I made my daughter’s , folded the clothes she had left on the floor and straightened her desk. The idea being that aside from the watering of her plants, I could just shut her bedroom door and not have to really go through her stuff for as long as I need.
And I completely lost it. Just shy of wailing. I should not be having to do this. Nobody should. I just laid across her bed and held onto her favorite stuffed animals and sobbed. I miss my baby girl so much.
Gosh - I don’t understand what is happening . 6 months in and the very beginning was of course terrible , then I got some footing because I needed to , but now it’s like I’ve been hit by a truck . Pervasive , invasive , continually thinking about what has happened . It’s so exhausting and struggling to keep it all together
I just wanted to post an intention that I will be saving/holding space for all of us that have lost a loved one to suicide ~ in the next few days. The pain is back to being raw and consuming. I get it.. I accept it. Today is the Winter Solstice in my part of the world.. the longest night of our year. Tomorrow the sun starts to come back longer and stronger each day. I am going to make it my intention to let every little bit of the lengthening light into my soul.. my horizon.. my vision...
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My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago (due to something he did that I couldn't live with). He was so distraught and said things like "I don't know how I'm going to live without you", "I don't know where to go from here" "I want to sleep and never wake up". He would sob and was on a dark path of hating himself. He felt tremendous guilt for what he had done and that it caused me to leave him. I kept reassuring him that things would get better. I was encouraging him as much as I...
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My brother was an athlete who excelled at biking and surfing and weight lifting. Fitness was a part of “our” thing we did together and exchanged workouts and performances. Running the stairs at the beach was a part of every day for us. When we were at his house he would turn on rock music with huge speakers booming while we did HIIT workouts. After workouts we would shower and he would make us smoothies and we would plan our run to New Leaf or Whole Foods to pick up food to put on the...
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Apparently I have a lot to say this morning, which would be of no surprise to anyone who knows me.
"Turning things on their head", challenging your assumptions and beliefs, can be a very helpful way to relinquish the unjust culpability we latch onto when a loved one takes their own lives. CBT trick.
So, hypothetically, if it were true (which it is not) that I am responsible for my brother's illnesses progressing and for his choice ultimately to take his own life, because...
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When I found my husband, I've never been able to articulate what I felt in those immediate moments. Earth-shattering shock, everything became surreal, and I entered a nightmarish state of disbelief, but at the very same time, from some deep recess of my brain, I also remember a fainter voice crying out, "My God, this was always coming. Of course it was."
I just read "The Suicide Index" by Joan Wickersham, and she describes this same duality of feeling when she received the news of her...
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It's difficult for others to understand. I still feel the pain in my heart, and I know it'll never go away. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, as was my brother. When he chose to do what he did, everything came back, everything, times two. People don't speak to me anymore and it's hard to relate with others. My Mom and younger brother are the only people who truly understand the pain I feel and sadness. There's like this huge weight on me and I feel suffocated by everything. My therapist tells...
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Ever since my son died, I have avoided foods that remind me of him. I think many of us do this. I have also noticed that by sense of taste has drastically changed. Foods I love taste odd/off or they do not taste like anything I remember. It is so weird. I am not sick (he's been gone 6 months now). Anyone else experience this?
I was sober 25 years when my son died of suicide. The day came when there was nothing between me and the drink. I planned it all out. What type of alcohol I wanted, the liquor store… and was about to get off the couch and exchange my sobriety date for oblivion.
This was year 2 of the grief walk. That summer was absolutely horrific. The depth and breadth of the pain is hard to describe. I wanted and needed relief. The trauma made it so that I just did not care about staying sober. And I was...
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This is a compassionate and comforting read
He worked beside Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and was approved to add this stage to her grief understandings.
I know you will probably recognize his name because he is very well known in the field of grief work.
I am journaling phrases from the book like crazy.
One thing that stood out in my reading of chapter 1 was his discussion around keeping connection with our lost loved ones. He talked about moving through our grief journey and eventually...
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Hi. My sweet daughter lost her lengthy battle with mental illness on December 3rd, just over two weeks ago. She is/was 17.
My emotions are all over the place. I know that’s normal but it’s so hard. It’s like I cannot predict what I’ll be feeling 5 minutes from now.
I miss her so much. People always called her my mini-me, we were so much alike. I’m just devastated.
Thank you for having a place like this, where I can share her beauty and my pain.
I'd asked my son when he feels we 'lost' my brother, his uncle, that he's known since early childhood. I can't see any of it clearly as I'm so close to it. I keep thinking there must have been a time he pulled away and that's when this horrible downfall occurred.
My son said that even though there were some good times, and he remembers some, his uncle was on a trajectory straight downwards ever since he moved in. He said was in place long before he'd met his Uncle as the reason his...
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My son took his life June 6, 2018
I want to keep his Christmas stocking up. And I feel like I have to justify myself.
Or ask permission from my other son.
....the entire cup of Starbucks biggest size, I'd dropped to the floor, onto my new tan pants, while I was downtown. It was quite a scene. Holding the cup too close to the lid was less than ideal. Clean up involved a mop, bucket and warning sign, which I should attach to my coat jacket.
My brother and I were EXACTLY the same in that regard. Klutzy, not coordinated. Not maintaining proper control of food and liquid substance away from our clothes, especially if they were new.
When I told...
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I do a lot of stuff for suicide prevention. Organize events. Talk about my husbands death. Etc. it’s never been an issue for the last 4 years.
My father in law sent me a message last night basically saying I needed to stop talking about suicide or his alcohol struggle because it was throwing him under the bus. He said my husbands real family didn’t want to see it anymore. I’m like so after 11 years with him and two kids I’m not his family? I married the man. I was his immediate family...
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I have a jumper of my brothers, i got it not long after he died. It feels nice to wear it. I only recently realized its in one of the couple of pictures My daughter has laminated and is dragged around the house. He wore it a fair bit from memory.
But it has a triggering caption, its a nike jumper so the 'Just Do It". It hurts me seeing this, wondering if this caption was repeated in his head, whether wearing it added to that dialect.
I have been wanting to screen/stencil print a patch to...
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Today was another difficult day. My wife had a vehicle she loved so much I talked about how we should sell it so many times because it is not the most comfortable but she was always like forget that idea buddy this car is my release. When she made the decision to take her life she took off and wouldn't tell anyone where she was going or where she was. She was in her car when she took her life.
Today I had to go get her car I went to the police station and picked it up. Some how by the...
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I lost my mom to suicide 3 1/2 weeks ago. My heart is shattered. I don’t even know what to say.
Hi all,
I haven't been able to find solid ground in my grief over Steve for a long time.
He would have been 40 today, and whilst I have done things to mark the occasion...
I'm not really sure what to do with it.
I suppose it's the fact that it's a milestone birthday that he didn't get to see.
As someone who was 'only' a friend, I feel weird even posting this...but it would be more strange not to mark it in some way.
Thanks for bearing witness with me.
PeaceSeekingPoet.
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I was blessed to have a nice visit with my daughter in law. I love her dearly and I hope desperately she will remain in our family. She has just left and I feel sad. I grieve the life she has lost. I grieve the life I have lost.
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We are continuing to try to sell our home. The last area we had not gone through to get our belongings out of was the attic. My husband went last week and got all the stuff (ALOT) of stuff….I had hoarded so much of the boys stuff thinking I would use it for my...
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The first time I dreamt of my brother it was an amazingly lucid, powerful and peaceful experience. It was about 5 years ago and it’s something I havent forgotten. I don’t dream and it was because of that knowledge that I came to the wonderful realization that Josh had in fact visited me. I still remember that dream to this very day and the feelings it evoked. I even drew it the following morning out of my own fear of forgetting the image. There were no words exchanged between us. He just...
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I lost my daughter to suicide almost 13 months ago. She was the biggest joy in my life, the way I defined who I was, and a bright light to all who knew her. My stomach and heart still ache from the loss and I continue to feel the guilt and failure of not being able to save her. We talked so much the days and weeks before she died becuase she was just in a bad place. I relive those days and words over and over in my head. If only I had.... (gone to see her, asked her the right questions...
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She is really struggling. It hurts to see how much in pain she is in.
would you please lift her up in your thoughts, prayers, or what ever your belief is. I love her so much and I feel so helpless to comfort her. She has lost so much
Thank you
Hello everyone.....my grandpa died before i was born from suicide ,one of my favourite cousins died from suicide when i was young ,recently my aunt and one of my cousins took their life........am battling with suicidal thoughts myself ....dying little by little inside and i just need a place to express myself freely because its killing me literaly...so i came here
I had a sudden and rather morbid thought just now.
Per usual, H is on my mind today. Suddenly, the phrase “drop dead gorgeous” came to mind.
I realized that there is likely a deeper reasoning behind that phrase that has been used for so long. At least, the reasoning is applicable to her case, and I think many other people who have suffered her fate.
She was an incredibly beautiful girl, inside and out. Her exceptional beauty was noticeable ever since she was a little girl. As a result...
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My Christmas tree is not up yet. I have cut way down on making cookies for Christmas over the years. I only make one kind of cookies now . I have some cookie cutters from my childhood home that I use every year.No cookie baking so far. I need to clean my house. It is so hard to believe Christmas Eve is a week from tomorrow. I have no idea what I am going to do for the holidays. My son and daughter in law like to spend Christmas Eve alone. Neither of them believe in Christmas. When my son...
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How much is enough? How much is too much? I find myself wondering these questions in preparation for the holidays. Do I hang a stocking? Do I light a candle? What about the empty seat - do I let it sit there?
I have other grown children. Please, how much is too much?
My husband took his life in december 2019 and I'm struggling to find the christmas spirit recently. It bothers me a lot since I really want to make it special for my three kids. I feel a bit guilty for not being in the mood for Christmas. Right now, I just find it stressfull. Today we're going out to get the tree and it has always been a good event we like, but this time, I'd rather stay home in bed. Still have a couple of gift to buy too and that stresses me too. Man, it's tough right now...
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It has been 6 months since losing my husband. Every night I dream of him. While they are no longer scary, they do take so much out of me. I wake up exhausted as if I haven't even slept. Like I cannot even get a break from this grief while sleeping. I feel like they are sucking everything out of me and I think about them all day trying to figure out what they mean, why I had that dream. I am so tired and don't have much energy during the day. Can anyone relate to this? I am thinking of...
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December 31st will be one year since I lost my older brother. I've never been a big fan of NYE, but this year I am dreading it so much. This past year has been hard and the next few weeks I imagine are going to be even harder. There are still days that I feel his presence so strongly that I don't want to believe he's gone. When it does hit me for those few seconds, the pain is so much. It's pretty much my everyday. The death of Twitch in the media has reactivated the dreaded day I found out...
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It’s been 3 days since I lost my sister. I don’t even know what to say. I’m not good at writing things. She was the different sibling. Different from my brother and I. We are the shy, timid, quiet type. She was the stubborn, hard headed, tough, forward, blunt one, with tattoos and piercings, who didn’t care what anyone thought about her. We often joked with her about being the black sheep and rolled our eyes at the things she said and did. But she was our sister, and our black sheep, and we...
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When I heard about tWitch's suicide I felt so bad for what he was going through and now the journey his family will be on. I watched the Ellen DeGeneres show only a few times so was not familiar with him. Today cnn.com has an opinion story on the main page that I was glad was posted. My hope by being there it gets a wider audience so others can get a better understanding of what people who suffer go through. Here is the story...
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Largest Genetic Study of Suicide Attempts Confirms Genetic Underpinnings That Are Not Driven by Underlying Psychiatric Disorders | Mount Sinai - New Yorkwww.mountsinai.org
I think this is one of the most naive statements I've ever heard about suicide and yet, it continues to be used by hospitals, mental health professionals, the general public and others. I don't like the way it makes suicide prevention so black and white. My experience with my son is completely different. Suicide and those who succeed in their plans is so complex. I feel like maybe the realistic thing to say is "suicide is sometimes preventable." Steven had access to counselors...
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and it feels like it happened today. The holidays are making me so sad this year. Everything feels hopeless, over. Like everything that's ever going to matter has already happened. I'm searching for a reason to continue.
Hi, I don't know what to say. I'm 24 years old, and my boyfriend (also 24) of almost 4 years took his own life on November 8, 2022. It's been the longest and hardest 5 weeks of my life. My world feels completely shattered. He was everything to me. I feel so broken.
I have had people round the clock with me since David ended his life almost 30 days ago. I feel very sad, but also relaxed right this moment for some reason. Listening to some nice classical music, just being in my space for a minute. I feel guilty for experiencing this moment of peace so early on. I know it's temporary but I'm just trying to be with it while it's here. Has anyone experienced that?
My 25 year old son took his life 1 week ago. He did this in front of his 2 triplet brothers. We are struggling with all of the thoughts that every parent has after this tragedy. My husband and I are trying to cope but are very concerned about the mental state of our boys. I am in the process of seeking help and support.
Today is the seventh anniversary of the day my beloved daughter, Buttercup, left this earthly life behind for higher realms of Love and Peace. How quickly this time has flown by; I never expected to make it this far and still be intact. There are times when it feels like it was just yesterday that she left us in such a brutal manner, and then times when it feels as if she never left, as she has made it abundantly clear she is still present in her spiritual being. I don't dwell on the fact...
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I Love:
My sons. The two still with me physically and the one who resides in my heart.
My DIL who I consider my daughter and my infant granddaughter.
My good friends and the support and companionship they give me.
My good deeds that get me out of my own head and help others in need of community or support.
My determination, resiliency, empathy, creativity, humor and loving soul.
I still grieve. I still have bad days. I still need to refocus. I remind myself that self care is not selfish...
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My daughter is starting to hear back from admissions for her colleges. So far, only good news! So excited for her. But then, that old bugaboo, the pain of remembering that he didn’t get to go to college. That he isn’t here to cheer her on, and he would have been cheering loudly, for her as she takes this next big step. Everything is hard now, even the good stuff. Thanks for listening. . .
I wrote an earlier thread (back in October) about how I hadn't been feeling my son's presence for a while and was despairing. I had literally gotten on my knees and begged my son, and whoever/whatever is running the afterlife (God, whatever) to PLEASE send me some sign or come to me in a dream.
I had several dreams the next couple of nights. In one of the dreams my son Justin told me "people tell me I use vivid colors of green in my drawings" (Justin REALLY wanted to learn to draw, it was...
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Lifelong strong spiritual connection to "god" (not the religious god, hard to explain), lifelong psychic abilities, acquaintance who's an internationally famous psychic medium connected with my daughter seven times (everyone always says, "He couldn't possibly have known...." but it's true in this case), I even saw her, standing by my bed, not hypogogic either, not hallucinatory, I was fully awake, and I had four dream visits: not dreams, very different. Been to places in Italy, France and...
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It has been a nightmare one of which I never thought I would be facing. My wife of 17 years committed suicide 14 days ago. My wife and I were best friends never did I think we would end this way.
My wife and I worked together commuted together most days travelled often and have two wonderful kids. We pretty much had a fairytale life. My wife struggled with alcohol in the beginning of our relationship however through hard work and growing up we were able to live a clean and healthy life...
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Yesterday morning, I went to rouse my 12 year-old daughter from bed to get in the shower for school. I opened her door, the lights were on but I didn't see her, I thought she was still in her top bunk. I said, "Get up, Doodleboodle, time to get in the shower". No response. So I looked down the hall to see if she was already in the bathroom, but it was dark. So I looked back in the room, and noticed she was standing there, very still. Only she wasn't standing - she was hanging. It...
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We are two days away from what would have been my daughter's 17th birthday in this lifetime. It feels absolutely surreal. I went to her grave yesterday and sobbed. We are 7 months into our " after." We have not decorated for the Holidays, we are not going to spend time with family this season... but we are holding a ceremony to acknowledge her presence in this lifetime.
We will gather with tribe at our community's Christmas Tree which is huge and filled with white lights. We are having...
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Is there a timeline of consideration or grieving for the spouses? Like 6 months to a year before dating or starting a relationship? I am just trying to research as much as possible to help my SIL.
It has been 7 days since my son took his own life. Not only did he take his physical self away from me, but in that short moment, he took my identity, tarnished all of my happy memories of him, took my future, and left me in darkness. All I want right now are answers. Why?!? Why, why, why, why, why!!! He swore to me that he would never do this, but yet, he did. How did he not know how much I loved him and that I was here for him? Why couldn't he talk to me. We could have found help...
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The mind is an endless loop of gnawing questions
Whys and hows and could-nots, if-onlys, should-haves
Wishes that fall upon deaf ears
Unspoken desires set upon hearts
that have stopped beating
The soul split open
A vast and hollow void
Unwittingly carved into something that once felt whole
In the psyche, an ever-present threat of rot
An endless fear that the mind can never again right itself
The body threatens collapse at any moment
Bones are frozen, muscles refuse more...
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Today I feel anger.
It boils over erupting and exploding though the top of my head,
bypassing what logical functioning my pre frontal cortex attempts to offer.
For today I leave all that acceptance, all that poor them, all that gooey fluffy spiritual naivety on the door step of yesterday.
It has no welcoming here in this moment,
and I refuse to snuffle the flame of rage with a feel good mantra.
I am angry at watching mid 20 year olds upstart born again spiiritual guru want too be's-...
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My husband has been gone for almost 3 years. When he first died I heard from my sister-in-law. Well I'm supposed to apologize to God because I was the last one to see him. Shortly after that one of his friends told me I have to apologize to God because I argued with him. And now today my daughter said that my husband chose death over me.. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. He chose death before me? Someone please help me understand this. Hate her
..I am feeling down and discouraged for a few reasons, struggling to keep up good, productive, thoughts.
Explained EMDR to someone close to me, it was hard to do and reminded me of all I have yet to do.
This is the first of the holiday/birthday weeks which is....challenging. Painful.
The waves of grief do come and go...but when they're here it's hard to do anything or care about much. Not helpful.
Getting through the majority of this week is going to take nerves of steel, which I feel...
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November 18, 2022 (24 days ago) - When I left my house at 6:00 am. Grayson, my 21 year old son came into the kitchen. Gave me a hug. I said "Oh, you always give the best hugs. Thank you, I love you." He said "I love you too mom, I'm going take a shower." He called me at 9:19 am. "What are you doing mom?" "I'm working honey, what are you doing?" as was our usual conversation. He said, "I just called to tell you I love you mom and I'm sorry." I said "what?" He repeated, "I love you...
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This will be my 5th Christmas without Connor When I say we saw no signs of problems when I look back at the pictures I took that last Christmas in 2017 I see the anxiety in his eyes. The smile is there, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. How did I not see that then? We were so busy. So much company. I was occupied cooking. Etc. etc. etc. So many reasons, so many excuses. Three weeks later he’d be gone. For good. Leaving all of his loved ones with unimaginable...
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Carl, my partner, died on May 26, and I am struggling so much. I just feel like drinking all the time because the pain is too big. I know his pain is now over, but what about mine? How am I ever going to live with this pain?
Does anyone else went through or going through this issue. It seems like i forgot a lot of major events that have happened. I hav absolutely no idea of certain things that have happened or very minimal idea about it. I have a pretty good memory but certain time period of my life is blank.
Matt Dustin
When my 32 year old son, Dustin let himself out of this world on December 23, 2011......my grief was, well, unbearable. After the numbness wore off, the agony set in. The excruciating; stab-in-the-stomach pain lasted well over 6 months. Eventually the raw pain subsided; just a little. I could breathe again, though I did not want to. For three years I felt no real joy in anything... I pretended to have come to terms with it but at night alone...
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Last weekend was my partner’s funeral at the Catholic Church his parents go to. He passed almost 3 weeks ago now. I didn’t know if I would be able to make it through the service, every time I had to stand I felt like I would pass out. I’m not a religious person anymore but I was raised Catholic and consider myself spiritual but not religious. The priest did not know my partner, but in speaking to his family members, friends, and myself, he gave a wonderful sermon talking about my partner...
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Hi,
My name is Lauren and I am 33. I lost my husband to suicide on October 2nd 2022... I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. To say that I am in shock and devastated, is an understatement. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I am hoping to hear other peoples stories to give me some light and some hope.
A professional said that one day at a meeting and it's probably true
Dealing with loss and unable to relate to others
Feeling love and loss but pretty much alone in your loss unable to share and grieve like others do
Maybe it's just a selfishness I accept it could be that too
Hi Everyone,
In the U.S., September is “National Suicide Prevention” month. Every year at this time, mental health organizations promote the idea that we can all help prevent suicide. They offer “messaging” suggestions, actions, and toolkits with downloadable graphics about knowing the signs, talking points, etc.
In the past, many forum members have expressed their feeling that traditional prevention messaging is overly simplistic and leaves them feeling anxious, angry...
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It's been over 6 months since my wife went away. Things are different but certainly no better. I am breaking down in tears often every day, usually when on my own in the house and not in front of others. Words cannot describe how bad I feel in those moments. It may have happened yesterday. I miss her and need her so much. I can't understand why the longing pain and desolation hasn't "softened" at all. I guess what has changed is that when i move out of those times I just get on and do things...
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So I am three years out from losing my partner. She shot herself in front of me so the PTSD from such a close range (less than 3ft) trauma are long lasting.
By all accounts, I am doing well. EMDR, therapy, supplements, prescriptions, hypnosis, energy work, affirmations, you name it. I did it. I emptied my bank account and blew thru my emergency fund and retirement but I am alive. And I am functioning.
I still have minor issues with flashbacks and am triggered by all kinds of things. But...
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It’s been over 15 months since I lost my oldest daughter. Since then I started to run with my younger daughter as something we can do together. We run local 5Ks, 10Ks and half marathons. I had posted on 11/20/22 that my daughter sent me a sign to do a run with her. She loved Coca-Cola and while looking for local runs to enter there was an ad for a Virtual Coca-Cola run. Here was the post https://forum.allianceofhope.org/threads/a-small-sign.62398/.
Today we ran the 10K. It was...
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Who would like to join me in finding their inner peace….I know it’s a lot to ask this time of the year….However each meditation is about 20 mins and it is for seven days…seven sessions….
We must all remember to stop, take time and deal with emotions that come to the surface.….
The practice of meditation and mindfulness can assist us in healing our grief, because it helps us live in the present moment... where our grief resides. It gives us better access to the "now," helping us become...
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I was outside raking leaves and hoping for the sun to peek through the clouds,when my dog ran past me as she escaped from the backyard.
A neighbor was just receiving a doordash delivery and thank goodness he grabbed it before she did!
As I walked around in his backyard trying to find Willow, I glanced around and saw what my house looks like from the perspective of my neighbor's yard. And the thought flashed through my head, the house on the hill where suicide lives.
Such a sad feeling washed...
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What he did to me and how he betrayed and hurt me, it hurts me a lot. I dont care why he did it. I am upset because I allowed it. Nobody around me wants to talk about him. They dont want to mention him. Nobody asks me if Im okay. My family doesnt understand. “Get over it already”. This type if hurt and betrayal haunts me. I dont know how to fix it. Hes gone. It was his time. But I feel like im angry, never smiling. And its not because hes gone. Its because how big of a idiot I am…….
I take...
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Cosy in bed with my beautiful 11 year old daughter trying to provide her with comfort and warmth in these difficult weeks that lie ahead. She was the apple of her Dad ‘s eye and she is struggling with the Why , why oh why …she misses him do much and it’s so painful to witness and live through . My son aged 19 is also struggling with the sheer pain of this truly awful situation and is also asking himself why Dad. ? Why ? We miss him xx
After replying to a few posts that have left me thinking deeply about the loss of my best friend, I have the heavy heart feeling of the loss and sadness of my best friend being gone. But right as I exhaled, the rain began falling so heavily that for a moment I sat there just listening to it fall on the window as the night goes on.
The date I last saw my best friend in person was seemingly insignificant. I remembered it was near the end of October but I could not remember the day. Last year...
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My brother was taking Paxil for physical symptoms of anxiety. I feel like the medication played a part in him ending his life. I am not sure if I am just searching for something to blame or what? These medications are prescribed so freely usually with no counseling. Does anyone blame anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications on the loss of their loved ones?
I lost Nolan 11/1/22. 6 days before their 20th birthday. Nolan was my non-binary, sensitive, gay, intelligent, bipolar, witty, youngest adult child. I was their advocate and #1 supporter. I miss them so much.
This is my 9th Christmas waking up alone. I hate waking up and not having someone other than my dogs to wish a Merry Christmas to. I have been dating someone special but we don't have sleep overs so another Christmas waking up alone and this one bothers me more than they have in a while. Maybe the morning loneliness has permeated my bones and soul for so long that I thought it was dormant and now I hate having it bubble up again because of a holiday.
I am new to this. During the past 2 1/2 years I have lost 15 close personal friends to suicide. I am reaching out as I am grieving and struggling with these loses. I feel alone and lost and am hoping to reach out and speak with others going through this as well.
Hello,
My father passed away just over 2 years ago from suicide leaving me, my brother and mother. He had been suffering with depression for a very long time and couldn’t go on with life anymore. I thought I was healing well and getting over it until a couple of months ago, I wrote a letter to him and all my anger spilled out. Then I realised I needed help to start the healing process. Reaching out here for support through this process.
Thanks and I’m so looking forward to getting to know...
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Reaching a year since my son in law took his life. I haven't used substances, but I slipp into old thought patterns, which to me is like being a dry drunk.
My daughter still does not want me in her life. I have surrendered and accepted in general. As time draws to the actual date, my longoing to connect to her grows stronger. She has asked me not to connect, I have done and will continue to do so.
I find myself feeling jealous of my daughter's in laws as she spends more time with them.
This...
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I just came across this again and have found it to be so true in my experience. (this may have been said by Helen Keller?)
I got a sign this morning. I was looking for something different but I found my son's piece of clothing instead in the most unexpected place. It was tucked behind the tall basket in my entrance way. This piece of clothing shouldn't even be in my house because back in September I packed it myself in my son's suitcase when he was leaving us in California for his home in DC. It was one of his favorite fine merino sweater I mended several times. I do not have any other explanation for finding...
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I am 20 days out since he died by suicide. It happened in Utah, I was at our shared home in Canada when he died. His cremation is tomorrow and then he will be sent back to me by the end of the week. I spent the first ten days hospitalized under suicide watch, and then I've spent the last ten days under watch from friends and family at a rented airbnb. I am heading to our shared home today and I'm so anxious about the intensity of grief awaiting me. At the same time I also feel a sense of...
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After reading a few of the posts on this thread, I decided to share my story. Maybe this will help someone on a difficult day or make someone smile. It sure made our family smile! The attached photo was taken this summer in Lake Placid, NY. It was taken on my phone the day after my youngest son completed his first Ironman event. The Ironman is a challenging event, which consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride followed by a 26.2 mile run. My youngest boy participated in the race with...
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One of my sons best friends is going to Antarctica. I asked him if he’d scattered some of my sons ashes there for me. I try to do that wherever I go but there’s slim chance I’ll be getting to that region. I’m so grateful for the wonderful friends my son had who are so kind to still check in with me and let me know he’s always in their thoughts. I’m happy for them but then, well, you know.
He came to get them today. As you can imagine, I'm having some big emotions. Not only because of the...
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I am typing lying in my bed fighting just about everything. I can reason out why I feel so awful, sad , dark ….And what I can / could do to shift out this place. I do pretty much everything that I can do to get support, function , to get thru my days. Today started off ok. Went to my 12 step recovery mtg . Spoke with a friend, Loosely planned my day. I went in & cried spoke with my daughter (ashes). My house has Xmas ,other things in disarray.. I just got hit with wave of being overwhelmed...
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On November 27th, my beautiful daughter left this earth. She was 47. My heart is full with grief and shock. She leaves behind an 18 year old son and a twin brother and so many people who loved her dearly. I know this might eventually feel real but for now, I keep forgetting that I can't text or call you and won't ever see you again on this plane. Your pain must have been greater than I can imagine. I will strive to create positivity in your name over time. I will feel you in all living...
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..burgers, tator tots, and binge watching 'Life Below Zero' with dogs as company...great show. That is how we spent the first 'holiday' without my brother. Got through it, not thinking about it, most importantly. I don't know if we'll ever be able to celebrate one of his favorite days of the year in the same way again. Not sure what non-Christmas will be...inexpensive mainly and low-fuss, which is putting it mildly.
I lost my husband 2 weeks ago. He is the love of my life, best friend, rock and soulmate. There is not a day that went by that he didn’t make me feel like I was the luckiest in the world. If we were not at work there wasn’t a second we spent without each other.. even then we were constantly sending each other videos throughout the workday. No matter how bad our day was we found complete bliss the second we snuggled up to one another. I’m not sure how to navigate this world without him. The...
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I loss my baby cousin Sept 2022! She was everything beautiful! She was my first baby doll and the loss of her is sad and I feel very bad for her son and her immediate family! This is the worse experience the thought of how her last day is horrible. Im sad thinking of her accomplishments her pretty protective smile and her talent. Thoughts tears sleepless nights memories and thinking of her is just unbearable. Life goes on but it feels fake and not fair like Im shortchanging the kids by...
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...how, how and how..... could my boyfriend think it a good idea to put up an alexa devise with roling, nonstop photos of his big, happy extended family in the dining room, from a location where I'm the only who can actually see them, and not recognize that this may acutally bother me... somehow they wouldn't 'cheer' me up... @#$%&!). And to be annoyed when I ask him to please put it somewhere else....I'm flumoxed.
Good lord, huh, what, huh?
I know...
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Viewing someone you love as an ‘alcoholic’, a person with alcohol use disorder, is difficult to do close-up. When you’re looking at something close-up you can’t see it objectively, as I can’t see words on a page at all anymore without my reading glasses.
When it’s your loved one it is simply 'my brother', or 'my mother', in my case. It’s not ‘my brother who is addicted to alcohol and suffers from mental illness’. It’s just that my brother is the way he is, has some problems that can...
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I’m new here. I’ve been seeing a Christian based therapist since my husband took his life over 2 years ago, 2 years, 3 months, 13 days. I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts and decided to try something new to help with the guilt, sadness, anger.
It is 5 years this evening that my brother took his life. Really miss him - still feeling angry which I never did initially
I lost my little sister on December 21, 2021 to suicide. We were both adopted from different birth families and were 7 years apart. The minute we picked her up from foster care we all fell in love with her and I took great pride in being her big sister. I was always so proud to call her my little sister and spent my entire life protecting her. She was my only sibling and I feel so lost without her. I feel abandoned and wish more than anything that she was here.
Until I remember the value of what I lost seven months ago
And then I am pulled back in time to day zero for just a moment, in all it's pure rawness.
I really thought I'd see him for dinner that night. I was planning to make pasta. Instead I couldn't eat anything except a banana without being ill.
..again? I keep forgetting. Thinking if I'd done this that or the other he'd still be here. If he knew how much I loved him he'd still be here. If I'd....I can't remember all the things I've done that may have caused this.
This is the most horrendously painful experience I've ever been through.
If he'd had a heart attack I wouldn't blame that on myself...how could I? It was natural causes and he ate badly. But this is altogether different and I don't know why that is. But it's awful.
I have a relatively large collection of "Daily Meditation" books - depending on what issues I'm facing as to which book I reach for. Over the past year, this book has been in my hands daily.
With a distinctly Christian approach, I find that the meditations are insightful, gentle, compassionate, and educational.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800725506?linkCode=ogi&th=1&psc=1&tag=sofferscom1-20
I got an appointment reminder last Friday of my annual obgyn checkup appointment on Monday (yesterday). I had made the appointment over a year ago and had completely forgotten about it. My first instinct on getting the reminder was to cancel, but then figured it best to just get it over with. I wasn’t thinking what going into the obgyn office would do to me. Forgot about all the pregnant women that might be in the waiting room, all the pictures of babies on the walls.
I go to check in...
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Getting through one day at a time . December knocks me off my feet every year. My brain feels fuzzy, unfocused and confused. I get in my car and forget where I’m going. I can’t make a decision . In 3 weeks from today, I will have survived 7 years without my son in this world. Im trying, I really do try each day. To help others, take care of myself and be grateful for what I have. But I fall into the quicksand and get stuck .
I know this wave will pass, but right now , it is exhausting.
I lost my 17 year old son to suicide on August 28, 2022. The first two months after were spent in PTSD, a blur, don't remember much outside of the pain. I still struggle with short term memory loss. If asked what I did yesterday I either can't recall at all our have to think very hard to remember even one thing.
Early on I was down the 'why" rabbit hole because of no signs. Now I have heard from son many survivors how common this. A "brain attack"
The pain is so unbearable at times, that I...
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I am bonesintn. I recently lost my daughter to suicide. I have a lot of self blame. I lost my son 2 years ago and this pain is 10 times worse
The month of December can be brutal for those of us who grieve. The impact of suicide death in ourlives touches everything about us. I am nearly five years out from the death of my wonderful son, Michael. I celebrate his existence in moments and minutes and hours every day. And I have found happiness again. Cherishing life now more than ever. Little things become so important to savor, to be thankful for and just to appreciate. I find myself wanting to pay my blessings...
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Last night after tucking my boys in, C came out and told me he really needed to talk. I'm so happy my 11 year old feels he can trust me and share his feelings..
He started by stating all of our losses and that he had a fear of losing me and his father. He said if we died, he and A would be all alone. He said if not us, he wonders who is next.
Instead of making promises I can't keep or offering platitudes, I was honest. I validated that yes, we have indeed, had an excessive amount of...
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...if you are going to have an English Muffin it helps to actually take it out of the package and put it in the toaster rather than standing in the kitchen waiting for it to magically pop out of the toaster. And please push down the lever. It tastes better that way.
My beloved, best friend and soulmate took his own life eleven days ago. He went to his hometown help his elderly mother transition to assisted living, and due to severe financial stress, and what I can only understand right now deep repressed trauma he succumbed to the suffering of a mental health spiral. I tried for weeks to manage him from afar, I knew I should have gone to him but he was adamant I don't come because it would have further compromised us financially. I didn't want to make...
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A lot of feelings are coming up for me right now as my family and I consider moving again. Last time we moved to where we are now (VA), we didn't move to TX where my friend Ali had invited us to come be with her, and three months after we turned down that invitation and moved to VA instead she died of suicide. I knew she had been manic...it was her first manic episode ever to my knowledge, so I thought that depression would be following (I have bipolar myself and have had a manic episode...
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A best seller. Recommend. Good author. I’ve listened to other books by him. No issues.
But in this book the young teen girl disappears. They are looking for her for days. I haven’t gotten any further. Yet.
The triggers are EVERYWHERE. I can’t do something as simple as listen to a best seller. All I can think about is the 4 days Connor went missing before he was found. Gone. Never to come back.
How do you EVER get away from the triggers? I have To MAKE myself not to go in the bathroom and...
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I feel like month 3 has been completely terrible. There’s still shock but I know that some has dissipated so it’s hitting me hard. The farther away I get from him being alive makes it so difficult.
It’s been rough. I couldn’t go to NYC for Thanksgiving like I wanted. I wanted to stay home at least, and my brother was going to come, but no I had to get sick again. I’ve been sick since last Tuesday so I couldn’t even see anyone during my hardest days.
The jewelry store gave me a hard time...
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I just discovered this group. It's been 5 years and 4 months since my husband died by suicide.
I'm in a much better place emotionally but there are still times when it's hard.
We were married almost 32 years. I never thought I'd be alone at 53. Sometimes I still can't believe it.
This week we would be celebrating 44 years since we met.
I'm busy creating a new life for myself. I'm still figuring out what that looks like.
8 months ago the love of my life lost his battle with depression. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I still can’t believe my husband of 35 yrs is no longer with me. I am glad to have found this group unto share with and learn from others.
7 weeks into losing my husband, best friend, soulmate. I find myself thinking about it constantly. I work through the day and then the next morning it’s like reliving it all over again. The pain, the sadness, the emptiness, the loneliness hurts soooo bad! This pain is the worst I’ve ever endured. My whole life has been a struggle and now I have a hard time finding any hope.
My DIL has a new man in her life, and I’m very happy for her and my seven-year-old granddaughter. Jason’s been ‘gone’ now for three years. Her new BF has two grown children, divorced, teaches in her school though is out on medical leave as he’s undergoing chemo on and off for lymphoma. (I expressed to her my concern as I’d hate for both she and her daughter to suffer another loss. She assured me that she’s not worried.). Okay!! I’ve met him three times now, and I do like him. Jason would...
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Hello
I’ve been reading through the threads in this forum and eventually have found the courage to introduce myself.
Grant was my partner for 22 years and Dad to my amazing kids Isla aged 12 years and Ben aged 19. Grant attempted to take his own life at the end of September - I was in the midst of writing a job application on a Sunday morning …. Took our dog out at lunchtime … returned we exchanged a few words … the relationship had been difficult in the previous few months and looking back...
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My son-in-law took his life on November 1, 2022 - he fatally shot himself, in front of our house (we all shared a home), and my daughter and I found him. He suffered from PTSD/Mental Illness for years (he was a Veteran, having served in Afghanistan). My daughter was in the process of divorcing him, after suffering from Domestic Violence - all she wanted was a divorce, to co-parent my granddaughter, no alimony, no child support - just peace. He would not accept it, and took measures into his...
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