No Longer Ashamed: Recent Episodes
Kevin Bolger and Laurie Hardie
Messages of Hope and Healing for survivors of sexual abuse with hosts Kevin Bolger and Laurie Hardie Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/kevin-bolger4/support
As an abuse survivor there are many decisions that we have to make that most people aren't faced with
Do we tell our story, who do we tell and when
Part of what can make our decisions so hard is our own expectations about what will happen
Until we actually take the steps to tell our story and get the help that we deserve our expectations about what is going to happen when we tell our story can be so overwhelming it can make it hard to do it
Having some control over our expectations can help us to take the steps that we need in order to find the healing that we deserve
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In episode 121 Laurie challenged Kevin to do an experiment
Kevin accepted the challenge and was excited to see the results
Because this challenge turned out to be so exciting for Kevin we decided to send this challenge out to you, our listeners
So in this episode we are talking about what the challenge was and explaining why it is such a helpful exercise for you as a survivor of abuse to do
We hope that you too will find this challenge exciting and helpful and we can't wait to hear your results!
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We revisit this important panel discussion on shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame
With our former guests Tracy Stephanie and Ashleigh and Kevin's wife Charnell
We discuss how shame affects our lives as survivors of abuse and how there can be healthy shame and toxic shame
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We are continuing to revise our early episodes to improve the sound quality on all platforms
In this episode we address some of the hardest questions that some survivors have about God
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How we define ourselves and how others would define us can be very different
Where our identity comes from matters on how we present ourself
But we might not be aware of how others perceive us because of the way we learned to define ourselves that we are not aware of
Alot of what we can learn about our own values can come from what we consider important in others , how we view what we feel is an important characteristic in others shows us what we consider important
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Rage is an important topic that is so hard to talk about
Emotions aren't necessarily good or bad but they are information
But when you lose control of your emotions , especially anger, then it can be a problem
That is why we are revising this episode of Rage
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As survivors we are sometimes more aware of red flags because of our experience
What is our responsibility when we see something that makes us uncomfortable
This is an issue that can be so important to help prevent abuse
So we have revised this episode to make it sound better on all platforms
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Disclosure is an important step but not one to take lightly
and it is not always the means to find closure
In this episode we discuss what to expect from disclosure and the ways to find closure
We have revised this episode to make it sound better on all platforms
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For survivors shame seems to be a part of life
It always seems to be present with us
It doesn't have to be that way
There are methods to counter the shame that we feel so we handle our shame in a healthier way
So we are not controlled by our shame or identified with it
Instead we can learn to control how we address our shame
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This can be a very divisive topic for survivors
One of the ways that our mind protects us when we experience trauma is to repress the experience
This is helpful to us at the time of trauma but even though the memory is hidden the trauma still affects us
If you have symptoms of trauma without any explanation for these symptoms it can be because the memories have been repressed
Sometimes these memories don't come to the surface until something reminds of us of the trauma later in life
If you are experiencing symptoms of trauma that are affecting you without any obvious explanations it could be because of repressed memories
There are ways to uncover these memories that will help you to understand and recover from this
It is important to find the root issues of your coping disorders rather than just treating them because your mind will often just find other methods to cope until you actually get to the actual trauma that you are hiding from
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It is so important to be aware of coercive control when it is happening in our lives
That is why we revised this episode to make it sound better on all platforms
Coercive control can really affect us if we allow it, so it is important to know how to understand it
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There are so many reasons why it can take so long to tell our story for the first time
The fear of what can happen when we tell is overwhelming sometimes
But that fear doesn't go away the more that we wait
It doesn't get any easier by waiting
Instead what happens when we think that is easier to just cope with it, the ways that we cope with it finally causes us to come to where we hit rock bottom and have to deal with it
Don't wait for that time Do It Now!
Now is the best time to find a way to tell your story in whatever way that you can and find the healing that you deserve
Do it Afraid!
It is scary but you have been through the worst so you know you can handle it and it won't get easier if you wait
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Barbara Lane is one of 11 siblings who were abandoned by their Mother when she was three years old. After she was sent to a Catholic orphanage she and her sister were adopted into a mafia mob family where they endured years of abuse. 43 years later she not only found healing from the abuse, but she was reunited with her sisters. She wrote a book about her remarkable story called "Broken Water" available on amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Water-Extraordinary-True-Story/dp/B0BYVFQTCR/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=1335909037017621&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SfT9SR8apFfCmXwm5avW96MZVxduip7Kso2EIdJSyB9BouuU6SWqFSi4sdLV0zVQ.omjQejoeJWlcdpp3ZxMFJ0x5396KQgW-3OUeGG8k4n0&dib_tag=se&hvadid=83494579621405&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=67664&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-83495371212886%3Aloc-190&hydadcr=6805_13182700&keywords=broken+water+by+barbara+lane&msclkid=5447c0b8b81a1648c831a54f05885d03&qid=1710734742&sr=8-1
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This is our recap of the first year of the podcast and what a year it was!
It was the Covid lockdown and even though it seemed that everything came to a screeching halt we were both working full time and on top of that we started this podcast to reach out to other survivors of CSA
To our delight we had several guests who shared their stories on our show and we learned so much from these brave survivors who were willing to open up about their experiences
We also had our first panel where we invited several guests back on to discuss the topic of shame
So we are revising this episode to improve the sound quality in order to make it better on all platforms, we hope that you enjoy listening to our improved version
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Dan Hartley and his wife Janell are the founders of Magezi Ministries in South Africa
They minister to men and women to form healthier relationships and to break free from their bondage from addictions to pornography
In our interview Dan speaks about his own freedom from addiction to pornography and how his healing journey led him and his wife to form Magezi Ministies to help those struggling to overcome their addictions and have freedom
https://www.magezi.org/
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Jerry Lin is the Master of Letting go!
If you are feeling stuck, can't move forward and you can't seem to find joy in your life, Jerry helps you navigate through letting go in order to get to the life that you want!
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We are revising our early episodes to make the audio work better on all platforms
So if you haven't listened to this episode for awhile this is a good time to listen again
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Defeat can be overwhelming
If we allow it defeat can consume us
Defeat is often a part of our life but it doesn't have to be permanent
We can learn from our defeats and move beyond them rather than let them define us
How we handle our defeat will determine if we are able to grow from it
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We are still in the process of revising our early episodes in order to make them compatible with all devices, so if you haven't listened to this one for a while now you can hear our new revised version!
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As survivors we can be prone to resentment
It can feel as if we didn't get a fair deal and everyone else has it easier than us
Holding on to resentment can be so damaging to our health, both physically and mentally
It can prevent us from realizing the blessings that we have and celebrating them
Resentment is the opposite of gratitude and also has the opposite effect on our lives
It is important to examine the resentment that we carry and understand where it comes from so we can learn how to let go of its hold on our life
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Now that we have been doing our podcast for over three years we have learned so much about telling your story
The main thing that we have learned is how important it is for a survivor to tell their story and when and where to tell your story
We have also learned how important it is for other survivors to hear your story because it can help them find the courage to tell theirs
It can be very difficult to tell your story, especially at first, but we have found that the advantages far outweigh the drawbacks
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Dana Morgan Murphy is the author of "Ballerina in the Box: One woman's triumphant journey from generational bondage to a freedom-filled future"
We talk with her about her triumph over the bondage of fear and abuse and how her journey has inspired her family in their healing
https://a.co/d/3FQSJUv
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Happy New Year to all of our listeners!
To start this year we are discussing Family Dynamics and why this can be such a difficult issue for survivors
Whether the perpetrator is a family member or not, once you share with your family members about what happened to you there is likely going to be a shift in your family dynamics
This can be especially difficult during holidays when there are often gatherings and the expectation of getting together with each other
What is most important for you as a survivor is to find a way to manage your need to feel safe and respected regardless of how that affects the dynamics in your family and how they feel about that
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We continue to revisit our early episodes and improve the acoustics so that they sound better on every format
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Why does judgement come so easy to us as survivors and why is it so difficult to give ourselves compassion?
The answers often come when we examine the way that we talk about and think about ourselves and where those thoughts originated
We were likely taught to be very judgemental about ourselves and we perpetuate those lessons without even thinking about it
It can change when we look at the way we think about and speak about ourselves and take the effort to change those narratives
Self compassion can be the gift that we give ourselves that will also change the way that we treat others
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We have improved the audio of our episode 17 Walls or masks about the walls that we put up and the masks that we hide behind
Removing these walls and masks are important to reaching the authentic person that you can be
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We are returning to our early episodes and revising them to improve the audio on them to make them play better on all devices since these episodes were so important
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Vulnerability is so important for our healing but for survivors it can be so hard to be vulnerable because we are afraid of being hurt again
Especially for men it can be hard because we are taught not to be vulnerable, that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness
But it takes great courage to be vulnerable and it is a way of investing in our healing by showing that we do deserve to heal and our feelings are important
Our feelings are information that are important in our healing and by being vulnerable and sharing our feelings with someone safe we learn that being vulnerable can be an act of community with the people in our lives that matter to us
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What are those habits we have that are self destructive?
How do we recognize them and why are they so hard to change?
Sometimes are self destructive habits are easy to identify but some times it's easier to spot someone else's than our own
We learned these behaviors for a reason but in order to change them we have to recognize them and recognize where they come from
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Nathan Spiteri Author of Toy Carsjoins us to talk about his Ted Talk The Power of One.
Nathan is working hard to make a difference not only helping survivors but educating parents on how to protect their children from predators. It is a struggle and a journey but Nathan is making strides in getting his story out. Be sure and listen to his POWERFUL Ted Talk.
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We are continuing to improve the audio of our early episodes to make them easier to listen to on all devices
In this episode we discuss why going through sorrow can be so healing for survivors
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We are returning to our early episodes and improving the way they sound so they are more listenable on any device
These episodes are about some of the most important topics for survivors
This episode is about feelings and how we approach and handle our feelings
Feelings are not necessarily good or bad , but they are important information that we can learn from
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Laurie talks about hearing news about a relative who has passed
But even though the connection comes after 30 years with no contact will it change anything?
Open new doors?
We think that many of you have had to face people who have made a conscious choice to "not believe" you, how do you cope?
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Trust is so important in all of our connections it is the foundation of having healthy relationships
But for survivors it can be so hard to open ourselves up to trusting anyone because our trust has been destroyed by what happened to us
This can be one of the main reasons that survivors have such a hard time forming healthy associations with anyone
We are here to be in relationship with others but if we don't trust anyone because of what happened to us how do we open up and become vulnerable enough to trust ?
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It's almost that time of year again so what better time than now to revisit our episode about the Holidays and revise it to improve the sound so that everyone can listen to it and enjoy that special time of year
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What we say is so important
What we say to our kids, what we say about things we hear about what we say to someone who is struggling can be so important to them
We have to be aware of the affect of our language and how we can help our kids to want to talk to us about stuff, maybe even the stuff that they feel uncomfortable about
It can make all the difference in their life when they know that it's ok to talk us about anything
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Sam Dordulian is the Founder and President of the Dorduilian Law Group in the Los Angeles area
He is a former Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney with over 25 years of experience and he leads the sex crimes division of the Law Group
He has a unique perspective with his experience as a Deputy District Attorney as well as an Attorney representing survivors of abuse in cases against offenders
Charnell found his group when she was doing her research about the sex crimes done by coaches and others against athletes and she asked Sam if he would be willing to do an interview to share his perspective about what to expect when prosecuting offenders of abuse
https://www.dlawgroup.com/work-injury-attorney/
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It's been over two years since Luke reached out to us after listening to our podcast and we interviewed him
Since that interview Luke has been interviewed on other podcasts and done some panels with us and has become an advocate for other survivors all while learning to recover from what happened to him
We are so excited to catch up with him and talk about his journey of healing
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In this episode we interview Kevin's wife Charnell about the research that she has been doing about the issues of sexual abuse in youth sports
She has found that it is much more common than is reported beyond the widely publicized accounts that have happened in higher profile cases that have come up
Her research has lead her to find the Dordulian Law Group who specialize in sex abuse and other offenses and "SafeSport" which is an "independent nonprofit committed to building a sport community where participants can work and learn together free of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse misconduct"
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This is our new and improved version of episode 11
We continue to upgrade the audio of our earlier episodes to improve the listening quality
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Ceanne Livingston is a survivor, mother, businesswoman and a podcaster
She has done some incredible work to overcome not only childhood sexual abuse but domestic violence as well
She is a warrior! She is the host of "The Big Money Influencer" podcast
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This is the new and improved version of episode 9!
We are going back and improving the sound on the early episodes so that they sound better on all devices
These episodes are so good we want it to be available again in an updated format
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Here we are after three years, 72 episodes, over thirty interviews and several panels, what have we learned.
There has been so much that is important and we have seen so many breakthroughs, it's been amazing!
The courage we have seen from our guests and the insights that they have shared with us has given us so much hope
We have witnessed so many stories that start with heartbreak and trauma and loss, and lead to triumph and healing
In this episode we share the wisdom that we have learned from the amazing survivors we have had on and sum up the key lessons that we have learned
These are key lessons that are important for any survivor to pay attention to and we have even been surprised at how much we have learned doing this podcast, things that has been helping in our journey of healing
If there is anything that we have learned it is that it is a process that we are all in together
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Lisa Shelby knows firsthand what it means to keep a secret while trying to live a life of integrity
Keeping secrets is not the answer!
Finding a safe place to share and heal opens the door to a life of freedom and joy!
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We are fixing the sound quality on our earlier episodes to make them playback on all devices better
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Sandra is a Chaplain with Messengers of Faith Ministry in Las Vegas and she also works with True ID and Refuge for Women there helping women that are in the sex trade and are being trafficked to find a safe place to get refuge
She experienced trauma at an early age by those in her life who she trusted and relied on which led to a spiral of addiction and abuse which she is healing with the help of God and those in her life who did not give up on her
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We are bringing back some of past episodes to improve the audio
In this episode we are talking about secrecy and how to overcome it
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After being abandoned at the age of 14 and left her own devices to live in her car, or stay overnight with friends, Peggy Ray still found a way to get through high school. Her bio on her Facebook page says she went from a cheerleader to a change leader.
Peggy and her husband have an organization called raise of hope, they teach about suicide prevention and they have trauma training. Peggy story will give you a ray of hope. . http://www.raysofhopellc.org/
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Again we are revisiting and re-editing some of our earlier episodes to improve the sound quality and make them easier to listen to on all devices since some of these episodes are so important but we have learned that the way that they were recorded did not work well on all devices.
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Marcus is a recovery coach and is soon to be podcaster!
In this conversation with Marcus we cover some important issues about abuse and trauma
As a recovery coach Marcus works with clients to help them get free of addiction to pornography and other undesirable sexual behaviors
For anyone having these issues there is help and you do not have to face this alone
https://www.betweenthecoverscoaching.com/?fbclid=IwAR3T9UL_4ZvZf9r-rjd_l5hAoBdmPFOGeXyKVJEqtbVQtUXZI_I_9xSboZg
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We are continuing to re edit our early episodes to make them easier to listen to
We did not realize that when we recorded in stereo that it caused problems with some systems to hear both of us so we are re doing them in mono
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Sometimes we get so busy it can be easy to overlook the moments that bring us awe and wonder
We just speed right past them without noticing
But when we slow down and take the time to relish the moment that sense of awe can fill us up and give us something to hold on to when we need that
It can bring our sense of innocence back to have wonder in our lives
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Such a fun topic, repulsion and revulsion
It's the instinctive reaction we all have to some stuff, like rats or spiders, and the way that we think about certain things
Like sexual abuse
We can't help it, it's a repulsive topic but as survivors sometimes we must talk about it
But it is the act that is repulsive and the perpetrator that is revolting, not the survivor
That is important to remember, what happened to us was repulsive but that doesn't mean that we are
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We are continuing to re edit some of our early episodes to make them easier to listen to
This is an episode that is popular and we feel that it has a very important message for survivors
We all need restoration at times and it is important to recognize what we do that restores us and realize when we need that
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This week in Illinois the states attorney general found that more than 450 Catholic clergy abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950
Revealing that the problem was far worse than had been reported by the Church
He also stated that those abusers "will never see justice in a legal sense" since the statute of limitations has expired for most of those cases
Where is the outrage?
The laws need to be changed for there to be justice and if there is going to be any deterrence for these crimes
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We are continuing to revisit and edit our early episodes to clean up the way that they sound
These episodes were so important and they were also part of our "learning curve" so we now are fixing them up to make them sound better
We hope that the messages will carry impact for you whether you have heard them before, or if you are listening for the first time
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This week we continue to revisit some of our early episodes to make some editing improvements to make them sound better
This has been one of our most popular episodes and we really feel that it is important
We like it so much that we decided to go back and clean it up and make it sound better
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In this episode Kevin discusses how he has been recognizing that the feeling of loss that used to haunt him is mostly gone
The loss didn't go away but the pain from the loss no longer paralyzes him
What took that pain away and what has replaced it is the topic of our episode
Also the reasons that he used to use his coping methods to further add to the pain in his life and why
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This is another one of our early episodes that we feel was very important but could use a little tweaking to make it sound better
This is an important episode for survivors and also the family and friends of survivors to help them understand how they can help someone who is a survivor
Even if you listened to this one before we think it is a good one to revisit
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In this episode we discuss how important it can be to be patient with the process and with yourself
There really are no shortcuts
There are a lot of steps you can take that will help you to get to the place of healing and can help you address your immediate issues
There are medications you can take if you are struggling with depression or PTSD and other treatments that help with the symptoms that you have
But in order to address what happened to us and the fallout that it has caused in our lives it takes time and work
This is important work and it is worth it to stick it out - you are worth it!
It is easy to get impatient with the process especially when it feels like nothing is getting better
Don't give up, it does get better and it will get easier as long as you keep going
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So after doing this for over 2 years we have learned a lot and now we are returning to some of our earlier episodes and re editing them to clean them up
We feel that these episodes are so important but they could use a little cleaning up to make them sound better
So here is our first episode again but this time we hope that it sounds better
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Pastor David Peterson grew up with Essential Tremors, a neurological disorder that caused his arms and hands to tremor uncontrollably
Needless to say he was bullied relentlessly, and than at 12 he was targeted by a neighborhood pedophile who abused him
As a young man he was not in a good place, for years he was angry, not just with others but also with God
Then forgiveness transformed him
With his book "Journey to Forgiveness; 21 Milestones to Freedom" his hope is to continue to redeem those traumatic years
and lead others to the freedom, joy and wholeness he has come to find on the other side of anger
https://davidpetersonbooks.com/
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Rick Carlson is the founder of Comeback Coaching
He is also a Pastor, a Husband Material coach and Life coach
In this episode he shares about the struggles he has had with trauma from even before he was born
Throughout his life he struggled with being different and feeling unloved
This lead to drug and alcohol addictions and isolation
Until God changed his life
Now he has found his purpose and is helping others to overcome their struggles with addictions
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Sharing your story is so important for your healing, keeping it a secret can hold you back from getting the help you need
But is there a right time and a wrong time to share?
It can be inappropriate and distressful to others if you "trauma dump" on them just for attention
It's not healthy to use your trauma to cause others who are innocent distress
That is why it is so important to find the safe people to share with and the appropriate time and setting
You have to "read the room" to recognize when to share
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What are the dangers of repressed memories?
Unresolved trauma can affect us without our awareness and cause us to act unreasonably
This can be difficult for our family and relations especially if we don't take the time to understand where our feelings are coming from
It is possible to address our issues and emotions even if we can't remember everything that happened to us
As long as we are willing to examine where they are coming from and learn from it
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In this panel we are discussing grooming with our friends Mike Chapman and Daniel Eichelberger
Grooming is frequently used by abusers to gain the trust of prospective victim and manipulate them
It's not always the victim that is being groomed but often the family members or caregivers are groomed in order to gain access to the victim
This behavior is becoming more common online where strangers could access your children without your knowledge
It is important to realize that these perpetrators are very skilled in this behavior, they have to be in order to avoid being caught, and they know how to seem innocent and charming
If you were a victim of grooming it is important to realize that it was not your fault even if at first you were attracted to this person because they filled a need in your life
You did not deserve what they did to you and they knew what they were doing was wrong
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Julie was sex trafficked, she was not kidnapped, she was living in her own apartment and working as a preschool teacher in a nice neighborhood. She shares her story in a module of the ImOnWatch.org training. She shares with us that she was set up for this abuse and violence because of her childhood sexual abuse. Like many she didn't tell anyone. She shares her story in hopes you will share your story and get the help you need. She says there is freedom on the other side of the fear of sharing your story, but it isn't instant healing, it is a process. A process that is so worth it.
https://www.iamonwatch.org/training
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Why is personal growth so important to survivors?
Many of us were taught to have low self esteem by our perpetrators, blamed for what they did to us
and told that we could never do anything right that we were the problem
It is through personal growth that we can prove to ourselves that we can do things well, that we can have a purpose
It takes small steps but those lead to bigger things that give us the confidence to do more
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The Language we use when we describe what happened to us and when we talk about ourselves, is very important
We can be using language that is destructive to our healing without being aware of it
That is why it is so important to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves and to others and learn from that on how we want to change our voice
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In this episode we interview Daniel Eichelberger who is the author of the blog "These Ashes, Reflections of hope in the aftermath of male childhood sexual abuse"
He tells of his remarkable journey to healing from years of being abused as a child and the reason he is sharing his stories now on his blog
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In this episode we discus toxic masculinity with Mike Chapman and Nathan Spiteri
How it affects us and why as survivors are we susceptible to its affects
We are inundated with displays of toxic masculinity in all of the media, TV, Movies, video games all display unhealthy masculinity
What are the affects of this on our lives and the ones that we care about and how do we counter this?
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The pain from being abused doesn't just go away, but what happens to it?
It evolves to become more manageable as you explore your pain
You have to go through the stages of pain as you uncover the feelings that the pain brings up
This takes being vulnerable to expressing the hurt from the pain
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As survivors we often don't realize that our abuse doesn't just affect ourselves
Especially if we don't address our issues and just try to hide what happened to us
There are many ways that the abuse has affects in our relationships that we might not even be aware of
It can hold us back from having healthy relationships with those that we care the most about
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Dr. Ron Ramsey is the author of "Forty Days to Forgiveness; a Christians Field Guide to the Forgiveness Journey"
He draws on his experiences as an organization development consultant, his knowledge of the behavioral sciences,
and theological studies and his own unforgiveness challenges to lead readers on a forgiveness journey in this book
We talk with him about why he wrote this book and the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation and why unforgiveness
is so harmful
https://fortydaystoforgiveness.com
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In his powerful and deeply vulnerable memoir "Toy Cars: One man's journey from trauma to triumph", Nathan dives into the trauma of being brutally abused, groomed and manipulated by the actions of a vicious pedophile.
It is a coming of age story that ushers the reader into the world of abuse, addiction, sex, drugs and violence.
He paints a masterpiece of triumph over tragedy, a powerful canvas of self-discovery, therapeutic growth and self love.
https://www.nathanspiteri.com/toy-cars
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In this panel we talk about shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame
Former guests Tracy, Stephanie and Ashleigh are joined with a newcomer to the show Kevin's wife Charnell
They all weigh in on how shame affects our lives and how to handle shame effectively
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Stephanie is a wife, mother, grandmother and recently is letting go of her caretaker rolls in her family
She runs a community closet for people who need a hand up!
She shares her story of childhood abuse, how it has affected her and how she has come to terms with it
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Kendrick contacted us after finding our podcast and was interested in doing an interview
He was abused as a child and went through some difficult periods in his life
He also had some healing times in his life where he felt he was handling his issues with the
trauma but when his son turned about the same age as he was when he was abused he was
triggered and realized that he still had work to do
During this process he has found some people that he could feel safe sharing his story with and through
them he realized how important it is to have someone that you can feel safe talking about this with and
that has inspired him to want to help others to have a safe place to share
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Alan contacted us on the Male Survivor website and offered his encouragement for our work
After corresponding with him and hearing more of his story we asked if he would like to do an interview and he agreed
He has struggled with SSA for years without understanding why
Then a few years ago after hearing a post from a pastor that reminded him of a memory that he had repressed about being abused
He started searching for help with understanding his issues which led him to the Male Survivor website and then our podcast
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We first interviewed Dan about a year ago and then he joined us on our PTSD panel just recently
During that panel he shared about how much had changed for him since we originally interviewed him
So we thought it would be great to have him on to do a follow up interview to hear about what has been happening with him
And it turns out that there has been a lot that he is very exited about and was happy to share with us
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One of the hardest questions survivors ask is if there is a God why does He let abuse happen?
Was it a part of his plan? Or was I being punished for something?
None of us truly know Gods plan but if we are given free will than the only one to blame for our abuse
should be the perpetrator
We are never at fault for the abuse that happened to us and blaming anyone besides the perpetrator does not help our healing
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For this panel we are joined with our previous guests Mike, Luke, Dr. Doug Carpenter and Dan, to discuss PTSD
We reflect on what PTSD is and how it affects our lives and what helps in treating our PTSD
We also discuss whether it should be called PTSD or if it would be more accurate and helpful to call it PTSI
Since it seems more accurate to identify it as an injury rather than a disorder
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Kevin Brigs join us to talk about his Stellate Ganglion Block procedure. Dr. Springer has worked with Veterans with PTSD walking them through the SGB procedure. SGB is an injection of a local anesthetic into the stellate ganglion, a nerve bundle in the neck connected to the fight or flight system, to help people feel calm again in their own bodies. Kevin is a retired California State Patrol who's beat was the Golden Gate Bridge, saving over 200 people from jumping to their deaths. Looking for some relief from his trauma he turned to the Stella Center and Dr. Springer. Video of procedure https://share.icloud.com/photos/0360b-50ZgGMKR2XSL8TKLUzg https://stellacenter.com/ Here is the website for Dr. Shauna Springer's podcast - The Story Of Our Trauma: https://www.thestoryofourtrauma.com/
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Donna is a wife, mother, coach, leader and excellent friend
She is the wife of Andy N. who we interviewed in an earlier episode
We are so grateful that she is willing to share the story of her abuse and the journey she is walking in recovery
We know that recovery is a process and it seems that the first step is telling your story
So we hope that this will encourage you to share your story with somebody who is safe
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In this episode we interview Douglas W. Carpenter Psy.D. about his new book
"Secret Shame: A Survivors Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development"
He reveals to us some of the insight that he has researched from studying sexual abuse in male survivors
and from being a survivor
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It's been just over a year since we first interviewed Mike on our podcast so we thought
we would do a follow up with him to catch up on how he has been
Well he has been very busy having been doing a lot of exciting new things and finding out that
sharing his story has been helping many people
and now he has found new ways to help others
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Gino contacted us after finding out about our podcast on the Male Survivor website
He has posted his story on youtube and after listening to our podcast offered to do an interview
He was abused at a young age and it continued for years but he did not understand that it was abuse
until he was an adult and he read another mans story of abuse online
That is when his journey of healing began and he has since started sharing his story
in the hope that it will help others to find inspiration and healing
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Andy is the father of 4 and has worked as a janitor at a school until recently when he and his wife moved from Washington to Florida
Andy is a musician and his band has a cd called "Brothers in Arms, Give Him the Glory"
He has survived childhood sexual abuse and he shares how he has come to terms with it
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Tom is a business owner, entrepreneur, and part time pastor
He loves mission work and is passionate about helping people!
He shares his story of healing from childhood abuse and forgiveness
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Linnea is a youth Pastor who was abused by a relative beginning when she was one
She shares about her healing journey with God and how He has helped her
to overcome her issues from the abuse and to confront her abuser
Which has made it possible for her to be an amazing youth Pastor
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Emotions are so important, they are information
What happens when you lose control of your emotion like anger
Then you get rage and that is not healthy
It is so important to feel and express your emotions but it is also important to realize when you are losing control
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What are red flags and how do you know when you should do something about them
As survivors sometimes we are more aware of red flags because we know the signs
What is our role if we see something that makes us uncomfortable
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It's one thing to share your story but disclosure is an even bigger step
Do you need to share your story with your family?
Or is it necessary to disclose your story with the police to try to stop your perpetrator from harming anyone else?
These are important steps but you need to be prepared for what the fallout may happen if you take them
Also it is important to understand your motives for taking these steps
If your motive is to achieve closure than you might be disappointed to try and achieve closure from someone else
Real closure comes from yourself and the steps that you take to get healing
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What is Coercive control and why it is so important to be aware of it
As survivors we can be more prone to unhealthy relationships as a result of the lessons that we were taught
Especially if we don't go through the healing process
That is why we need to be aware of the signs of coercive control and how to safely get help if we are in a relationship with
someone who is controlling us
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
TTY 1-800-787-3224 for free confidential 24/7 help
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Well it's been a year and for this episode we took a look back at what we have learned while doing this
This is not a new subject for us, we have both been through the process of healing for a long time and that is
why we started this podcast to share with others what the process is like and why it is so important
So it was a bit surprising for us how much we have learned by doing this podcast and revisiting these issues
from a fresh perspective from other survivors that we interviewed
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With this episode we are trying a new series where we are having panel discussions with some of the survivors that we have interviewed
in our previous episodes
In this episode we are discussing Shame and how it affects male survivors
Our guest panelists are Mike and Luke who we interviewed in previous episodes and they have since become friends on our Facebook page
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***warning this episode contains some graphic audio which may be a trigger so please take care of yourself if you listen
Join us as we talk with Ashleigh about her childhood sexual abuse and how it continued to affect her until she was able
to call it what it was "abuse" and how she was able to then get some help and healing
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Chef Andy shares with us his childhood sexual abuse at the hand of a Priest
That led to addiction and other issues
He talks about God's healing power and what it means to let go and forgive
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It is so hard to be vulnerable especially for men
But vulnerability is key to our healing and in reality it takes great strength and courage to be vulnerable
By being vulnerable we allow ourselves to open up to the feelings that we are so afraid of
We have to access those feelings to get through them and find out that we don't have to be controlled by them
By being vulnerable we become stronger and more self assured and we learn that we don't have to be afraid of our feelings
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Your story matters!
Your story is important not only to yourself but for others who are afraid to tell their stories and need to realize that they are not alone
It is important to be your own advocate and stand up for yourself!
Tell your story to someone you trust and keep telling it so that those who need to hear it will have the courage to come forward with their stories
Find the help that you need to get healing because you deserve to heal and have hope and you will be an inspiration to those that come after you
We are in this together and together we can cause change to make it easier for those that need our help
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Jamie has been in recovery from addictions for years.
First from drugs, then from alcohol and cigarettes.
Then she discovered the core of her addictions was another not very talked about addiction, especially for women.
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Luke found our podcast and decided to reach out to us after listening to some of the episodes
He shared his story with us and we invited him to do an interview because we feel his story will resonate with some of you
There is so much misunderstanding when it comes to childhood sexual abuse including the fear of sharing your story because you will be judged
Part of Lukes story is how he is overcoming that fear of sharing and now he is writing a book because he wants to share his story to help others who are struggling with abuse
If you are experiencing feelings of suicide or you know someone who is there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that is available 24/7
to provide free, confidential emotional support to people in suicidal or emotional distress. Their number is 1-800-273-8255
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It took an episode of Law and Order for Avremi Zippel to realize what happened to him as a child was abuse
It took a counselor to believe his story and encourage him to report the nanny who abused him for a decade
Now he is free! and he is an advocate for survivors to change the laws and legislation around childhood sexual abuse
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Dan suffered childhood sexual abuse and paid doubly for it. He shares his story about learning to share his story and the freedom that has come from that. It took awhile to get to the "telling" his story conclusion but I think many struggle with the same thing, "I'm not telling", it makes us sick and takes a toll when we hold these things in
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Pastor Yvonne shares her story of restoration from childhood sexual abuse.
When she first came to Jesus and began to remember her abuse she thought it was satan and rebuked the devil.
God showed her that He wanted to heal her but first she had to accept that this is a memory and not the enemy
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Tracy shares her story of childhood sexual abuse from a brother who was also sexually abused
The story includes abandonment, misunderstanding and her journey toward healing
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Why are we so much harder on ourselves than anyone else?
We hold ourselves to such a high standard that it's hard to ever give us a break
We give others so much more grace than we allow ourselves we are our own worst critics
This is so unhealthy when we are trying to heal we need to be nice to ourselves so we can have grace for others
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Some people call them walls and some call them masks
However we choose to call them the important thing is why do we hide behind them
And how do we take them down to show the person hiding behind them
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This week our guest is Hampton Conway III, he has started a ministry called “Movement Ministries. Hampton was married for 14 years and the father of 10 children, when he realized he had to end the marriage, due to spousal abuse. He tried to talk with someone about it but the usual response was “are you going to take that?” He finally left and began the journey of getting custody of his 10 children, for their safety. It was a very challenging journey because dads are not favored in the court system or believed. People find it hard to believe men are abused. Thus, he created the ministry in order to help other men and women getting out of abusive relationships. If you know someone in this situation, please share this podcast. Thanks for listening.
https://www.motivationmovementministries.com/
https://www.facebook.com/MotivationMovementMinistries/
Director at Movement Ministries
HEC3 Consulting, LLC
Instructional Technology Specialist at PG County Public Schools
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Healing comes in phases, the first step is recognizing the abuse, which may happen in your adult years.
What we may see as normal growing up looks very different outside of the family.
The abuser works hard to normalize bad behavior. Nicole shares her story of what it was like healing from childhood abuse
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We build emotional walls when we are young to protect ourselves
But when we get older and start healing those walls trap us inside
How do we recognize those walls we have built so we can start tearing them down brick by brick?
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Sorrow can be overwhelming and it can also be healing
Going through sorrow can help you realize that you are worth taking care of yourself you do matter
The grieving process is so important for survivors to get through so they can have access to the full range of their feelings
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Feelings can be hard to handle especially when we have been taught that our feelings are bad or wrong
Feelings are neither bad or wrong they are just how we react to happens to us
If we don't allow ourselves to have feelings than we will never process what happened to us and get past it
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The Holidays can be stressful for everyone especially for survivors who suffered abuse from family members
This year everything has changed about the holidays maybe this is a good year to start new healthy traditions
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We all hear about triggers but do we recognize our own triggers?
How do we know when we are being triggered and how do we deal with them?
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Mike Chapman is a sign language interpreter who shared with us his story of having repressed memories of CSA and how he pieced together what happened to him when he was a child
We talked with him about why he is sharing his story now and how that is helping him on his journey of healing
You can also hear Mike speak on the NAASCA "Stop Child Abuse Now" (SCAN) https://www.blogtalkradio.com/naasca/2020/11/26/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--2538
He also reads his poetry on "Survivors Stories Online"available on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/events/4561204087285160 Note this recording has not been archived yet and will be available soon
We are thankful for Mike to have the courage to share his healing journey with us and hope that it will inspire you
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There is usually fallout from breaking the silence
What's the fallout like and how do you address it?
It's so important to break the silence but not always easy because of fallout
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Why we keep it a secret
and why its so important not to keep the secret
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Who is that kid you left behind
How do you connect to them so they feel found and protected
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Restoration is so important when you are going through the process of recovering from abuse
What do you do to restore yourself in a healthy positive way
Why is it so important to have a time of restoration
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What are the issues others believe about survivors and how does that affect us
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Why do we do this
Why go through this process
It is Hope. What we are all looking for is Hope
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Why is it so hard to talk about what happened to us?
It is shame: the hidden enemy
We need to be no longer ashamed of who we are as survivors
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What do you say when someone has shared with you their story of being a survivor?
Tips about letting them know that you care about what happens to them
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Ok so you all have been wondering whats up with the salamander on fire? In these Bonus Episodes we explain what the salamander is about
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The who what and why of sharing your story
Who is it safe to share with
What to expect when you share
Why it is so important to share
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Letting Survivors know they are not alone, the journey to recovery is worth taking.
You are worth it! You deserve to get the help you need, it is available and waiting for you to take it.
It begins when you tell your story. We get what it is like to be stuck in the quicksand of isolation. We have found hope and we are reaching out
to give you a hand up, which is what you will do with the next person that is stuck.
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