The Creature Report: Recent Episodes
Val Petrone
An improv podcast about spotting new monsters & reporting their mythos to you. Guests, ghouls, & good times hosted by senior anchor Val Petrone. Produced with Paper Boat Productions.
See you next week, Anchor.
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The Creature Report: Episode 29, Utopic Dormihi - ARCHIVE ONLY 10/02
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_________
Content warning: implied missing persons throughout episode
Written By Val Petrone & Em Murphy
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Em Murphy as Kyle Culkin
Sound FX found on Freesound.org
Something is coming, something is leaving.
Some things stay the same.
But Anchor, dear, why don't you come near?
Let us begin our game.
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Recent
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Content warning: implied kidnapping/missing persons throughout episode
In order of appearance:
- Andy Randolph as Mincus Von Smurdlehoff
- Nova Wolfhardest as Nova, Creature Matchmaker
- Ronnie Palmieri as Ron-- We mean, Conrad Growler
- Alice Kyra as Alice
- Harry Shapiroas Harry Shapiro, of NPR (National Paranormal Radio)
- Brianna as NPR (National Paranormal Radio) Intern
- Marty L Graves as Martin Legosi Graves
- Mae Murphy as Mae
- Val Petrone as Val Petrone
Additional sound effects and voices provided by freesound.org
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After the past few weeks of airing unintentional audio, we're back to posting INTENTIONAL episodes! That's right! No more personal notes being leaked, we hope! Either way, this week we're SO excited to meet Selina, our first ever creature AND guest combo (that we knew about before going into the interview)! Tune in as Selina tells us all about life in the swamp, her cousin Sylyna the troll, and what it's like to motivational speak on being a rejected Pokemon design. Plus, do we hear wedding bells for this creature and one of our camera men? Tune in to find out!
Content Warnings:
Conversations about vaccines, hard drugs, the government, and cartoonish animal cruelty
Credits
Madeline Maye as Selina
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Sound FX found on freesound.org
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CW: random/jarring audio glitches throughout, implied paranoia
written by Nova Wolfharder
performed by:
Mae Murphy as Mae
Tim Woerner as the Intern
Val Petrone as Anchor Val
Training video music by Arthur Vale
rap beat & sound effects from freesound.org
What's wet, hungry, and made entirely out of either many, MANY tongues or one LARGE tongue? It's this week's Creature Report creature! We're joined today by Constance Community College student and local little guy Mincus Von Smurdlehoff as we explore Constance's Jar Museum and learn a thing or two about what Panic! At the Disco and Jonathan Frakes have been up to in the past few years (spoiler: it's not great news!). Hell, we might even get a roomba reference IF you're lucky.
Content Warnings:
slight body horror, mention of Brendon Urie
Credits
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Andy Randolph as Mincus Von Smurdlehoff
Sound FX found on freesound.org
36.150893664496635 -95.99267550070147 36.10292499634998 -95.97540469540479
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(written and performed by Val Petrone)
Sneaking into places where you shouldn't be going? Not always great-- but today, we're heading to a house that is more than open to let my guest and I go bump in the night. That's right! New Creature Report, with expert of ghost hunting, colin jost'busting, podcasting, and arting, Martin Legosi Graves! Join us as we enter in the house of Martin's boss, decipher if this creature is actually a duck, and finally know what it means for your hungry, hungry eyes to be bigger than your stomach.
ALSO, not a creature nor a joke, Marty is saving up for TOP SURGERY! So PLEASE help out if you can at Marty's fund, which can be found at https://gofund.me/3796bb2b. Every little bit helps!
Credits
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Marty L Graves as Ghxstbuster Martin Legosi Graves
Sound FX found on freesound.org
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Out for a day in the park, you'll never know who you'll find- or what you'll find! Take Thorenguard, for example. Thorenguard was minding her own business when suddenly, approaching them came anchor Val Petrone and, guest of the episode and the official creature therapist of Creature Report, Jess Lynne! Get to know our new friend with us as we talk what might legs be (conceptually), how those eyelashes get to look so good, and one (or two) of the many misogynistic men of the 90s (and no, it's not Dame Judi Dench).
Credits
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Jess Lynne as Creature Report therapist Jess Lynne
Sound FX found on freesound.org
Park ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAdQWF5Dg78
Content warnings
-brief discussion of gross bodily fluids (mucus)
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Did you leave out the chickie tendos again? Great- now we know where they went, at least. This week, we're analyzing the Tender Angel, a beautiful creature with checks notes translucent wings, eats with it's backside, and a huge donger. Thankfully, we're not in this alone, as we're joined with one of the leading experts of the crypto-field, codename Professor Einstein Erudition! So join Val, the Professor, Tender Angel, and Bjork for a fun night time hang in the kitchen!
Credits
Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone
Aron Brown as Professor Einstein Erudition
with special guests....
Mae Murphy as Mae/The Tender Angel (catchphrase only)
Leo Garcia as Bjorkish (singing)
Sound FX found on freesound.org
Nighttime ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwc0cVOFu10
Content warnings
-discussion of genitalia (in a lighthearted manner)
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A smoky bar, 7 ft tall people, and a creature who almost could be Billy Joel, if Billy Joel's eyes were shaped like Massachusetts (both in eye shape and in pupil). Welcome back to a regular episode of Creature Report, featuring our friend looking for a new friend, codename Conrad Growler (cool name, right?). Join Conrad and I as we introduce ourselves to a big, beefy, POSSIBLY many armed possibly not many armed New Stepdad. Happy Father's day?
Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, there is conversation of shitty parental figures in this episode.
All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org
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As we escaped the clutches of Qwerty last week, we take a lil break from creatures to let you meet our new intern! This is a recording from the Intern's first day we accidentally took, but it had some great stuff regarding creature exploration and how we do things here at the Creature Report studios! Great thanks to newest member of the team....uh....Tim? no no, wait. Jim. Jim the intern.
Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, we will be talking about HR compliancy/safety in a light manner.
All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org
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*In a world of felt creation,
imagination is our play station.
Folks, friends, and pals all invited*
*to the place where dreams are ignited
welcome young and old unto
a place of magic Szechuan Avenue!*
.......
......but somethings wrong, isn't it?
Things are getting Weird around here on this weeks Creature Report. Weirder than usual, that is. This week we meet Ash Delaney, from “the Department of Transportation”, in a Barnes and Noble while discussing Jordans, beach balls, and ultimately our assimilation within the one true being that is simply known as: MegaFraiser.
Content Warnings: hypnotic, drug-induced psychosis
Love Ash and want more fun, spooky, goofy, and good content? Check out some more of Ash and their adventures with Hal Bishop over at jointheweird.com.
All sound fx found on freesound.org
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After a bit of a hiatus, we're back and more monsterous than ever with PODCASTING'S OWN JEFF STORMER!!!! I know, we could hardly contain our excitement either. With Jeff, we meet up with a viscous sort of friend with a large body, brass knuckles for snacks, and an interest not only in Bruce Springsteen, but....well......Podcasting's Own Jeff Stormer! (who doesnt, though). Content warning, dear listeners and viewers, for light and fun horror based on doppelgangers and mimics.
All sfx done by Jeff Stormer & utilized from freesound.org
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What has different eyes for different partners, is Beyoncé’s least favorite creature, knows the name of Zeus' penis, and has a huge crush on Chester Arthur? Well, find out tonight on a new Creature Report with Val Petrone and tonight’s guest, the magical, mystical, multifaceted creature handler and podcaster with a few godlike tendencies, JV Hampton-VanSant.
SFX
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40R1IJg08E4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRjzVuk6Sgs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6_8SlZZwvQ
Also a clip from Batman Forever. It's free use.
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Be kind today, we're approaching what some call "a gay little man that fucks good", as we meet up with friend of the show Arthur (no last name) and ......Arthur....or, Arthur and Arby. We figure it out by the end, we promise. So get your smoochin' lips ready, because this creature won't leave until the pact is sealed, and keep an eye on the curly fries.
Sound FX
Ambiance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtwef1_CnYw
lives.
In quite the pickle tonight, viewers and listeners- or maybe, quite the chocolate orange? We get on the hunt for Miibo and find something a little different, all in the backyard Val's place- Joined with us today is local chocolatier and coffee crafter Emery Crumb, who is looking for a lost friend in all the right places.
Sound FX
Outdoors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lec06acI6dE
Coffee: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS8VgZW_fsY
Mombo crunch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_kabxNJM1k
Additional SFX: Val Petrone
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We've got the purrrrfect creature for you today, viewers and listeners- all thanks to the help of podcasting powerhouse and audio wizard Ryan Boelter and his amazing audio prowess. Come join us in an abandoned amusement park where birds sing, cats meow, and Wigglesworth judges our taste in 80s rock and pop music.
Sound FX found on https://freesound.org/
https://freesound.org/people/cloe.king/sounds/452797/
https://freesound.org/people/Zabuhailo/sounds/146960/
https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/456440/
https://freesound.org/people/Counter-gamer/sounds/213889/
https://freesound.org/people/Timmeh515/sounds/413277/
https://freesound.org/people/Snapper4298/sounds/255588/
Additional SFX: Val Petrone
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Tonight, viewers and listeners, we’re meeting up with my old friend from set- Glormph the Amorphous Blob to meet a friend of his whose abundance of video game skills and just right amount of boobs will have you saying “wait, is this creature going to rip off my entire arm?”. Venture into this apartment complex with us as we meet Daniel---er, not Daniel.
Sound FX:
Glormph noise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp42HCcgyic
City Ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aewy0lS3DG4
Footsteps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5v3FY_HrC2I
Elevator: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdAm1wtuSgs
Additional SFX: Val Petrone
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Happy Valentine’s Day, viewers and listeners. Tonight we have treats galore for you as we meet Sporty Roach, a creature whose interest in LARPing as an athletic person takes us to the community center pool and the local pizzaria. Joining us on this venture is the cute and pretty— I mean, clever and proficient former college turned newscaster Mitt Brinkman.
Sound FX credit
Tentacle effect : https://www.soundsnap.com/search/audio/Grabbing+meat+with+wet+slaps/score
Additional FX : Val Petrone
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It's been a long backlog, listeners and viewers. So here's the last one from Halloween: Tonight, instead of hitting the bars or partying, we're staying in with out guest anchor Ghosty and their new roommate, Roomie. Join us for talks about ghost hunting videos, living pet rocks, and definitely not Val getting sucked into the fifth dimension underneath Ghosty's couch. q
Grab your candy corn and divorce lawyer- the Creature Report sets out on a stakeout! Parked across the street from a spooky house, we're joined in tonights creature watch by none other than Addison Peacock! (No, not that Addison Peacock. A ghost who lives in the car with no relation to Addison Peacock, we swear). Will we find a spooky friend? Or perhaps a vile foe? Grab your penny candies and tune in to find out! y
Today we're greeted and co-anchored by Creature Report SUPERFAN Scottye Moore. Though we'll say the creature that they brought us too was a bit underwhelming, the emotions ran high and we wound up realizing that maybe the Creature Report was the friends you made along the way....or at least, the fans with a few personalities and bodily changes. a
Lions and tigers and bears and creatures and monsters and cryptids, oh my! We're going out into the woods today with artist, performer, and creature psychic extraordinaire Krem Zaroogian! Here we meet a hot sort of cryptid with glitches, tentacles, and a pipe that would make most stoners cringe on sight. t
Hitting the park today, meeting our new leggy, large, and legalist creature, Stick! Or, it's named Stick by our guest today, a whip-smart talking dog with a taste for biscuits and the unusual, our puppy pal Piper! Join me and my coanchor for dream reading, language discussion, and a Popeyes chicken sandwich. q
We're going to the museum this episode of the Creature Report, meeting a creature we can see so many (69) sides of. Join Val Petrone and today's guest anchor, actress, podcast, and true dream of a being Alice Kyra, as we connect with a nameless, dimensionful creature who protects lgbt+ folks and screams psychically about stra--straig--oh, just tune in. a
TW; themes of unreality
We're back, friends and foes, with another episode of Creature Report. Tonight, we dive into an abandoned(?) mall and come face to faceless with Beak Face. The mononymous, fabulous monster match maker and clown killer Nova gives us some monster dating tips while they join us for this reality bending creature. o
Okay....let's get this one over with. Today's Creature Report might be a bit....underwhelming? Sorry about that; the monster is cool! The guest is....well....Alex Flanigan, FORMERLY of Cryptid Keeper. Let's get this show on the road, nothing to see here, except a psychic polyamorous gargoyle. x
Things are getting a little rosy here on Creature Report number 2! We're joined by night cryptojournalist Mae Murphy for wild things that go bump in the night in a Chuck E C-- I mean, a Childrens Entertainment Venue. Lots of teeth? Christian rock? Mysterious ringing? All that and more, when you tune in! q
Breaking news! We head to the office to catch a brand new monster with 34 peepers peeled all around. Join senior anchor Val Petrone, and todays guest anchor author, educator, and podcaster @AidanChaser- Chase to meet the gooshiest corporate cog of a monster on the premiere episode of: the Creature Report. i