Queen Cattis: Finding my voice: Recent Episodes
Alvhild Catarina Jansdotter
Well here I am, rambling away with no script, as will happen at times. I really want to podcast and I am just trying out how it feels. In this episode I introduce my thoughts and feelings on why I need to express myself in this way and I think it might be relevant to people who share my interests and enjoy my musings as well as follow my journey of voice feminization.
Enjoy!!
Another very larpy episode because we love those. I am back with Dallas and this time we bring Linus, another larper who plays the baron Lucian and we speak about the chaos that has escalated for the season finale of this epic story!
The pod back from a long pause! This is a weird episode, but a very important one. Dallas is back along with another friend, Alex, who we LARP with. Alex is a transman, and we discuss something that is rarely talked about but is something very relevant for trans people beginning their transistion, as well as people who just want some perspective on human sexuality. We discuss what arousal feels like to us, pre and post hormone replacement therapy. How does sexuality differ based on our hormones?
So yes. Some talk of sexuality, obviously, then a lot of gushing about the LARP.
Warning, some of us (Dallas and I) are drinking wine and get more and more… weird. So if you want to turn off after about an hour it’s fully understandable, I did include some of it (90 minutes is on the cutting room floor) because I think some might find it fun.
Either way, I hope the first hour is very entertaining and informative!
Dallas is back, and again, we spek about the LARP we attend. (Live Action Role Play where we, together with a large group of players, play our vampire characters in a serial monthly format) We speak of how Dallas’ character Tempest’s backstory is becoming a great story in its own right, we speak in anticipation of the night’s session and then we come back and speak in retrospect. We are drinking wine so we do get a little bit unhinged towards the end, and at some point Dumbledore did something to Gandalf… or something.
Dallas is back, and after talking about her allyship and learning experiences on the topic. Then we gush about the Vampire LARP we spoke of last time, discussing my fourth and her second session.
At the end we speak about a topic that needs to be talked about more. After very emotionally intense roleplay sessions, especially when it’s about LARPs, your character’s emotions could bleed over to to you and cause psychologicaleffects that you need to process, and for that to happen, you need the right support network and tools on how to deal with it. Enjoy!
The picture of Obsidian, mentioned in the episodeToday’s sonnet is dedicated to Frida’s character Bella, who is no longer with us. We will miss you Bella, Emmy and me both. Thankfully, Frida is till around <3
Bella,
If you would count the stars that light the sky
A crucial thing for those bereft of sun
Cry all you want, but never dare deny
The counted stars now be reduced by one
You gave me hope when hope was but a dream
Undid my chains and showed another path
Despite the dark, I suddenly could gleam
A future brighter than my sire’s wrath
You found me just as I was ’bout to fall
I was so weak until you made me strong
But just as I had learned to stand up tall
I heard a crash and suddenly you’re gone
No longer do I fear the deepest pain
I swear to you, you won’t have died in vain
If you hadn’t noticed, I love playing out emotions in roleplaying. In this episode I muse a bit about what crying brings me when I play. Spoiler: It’s awesome!
So I finally have my friend Dallas on an episode, and in the same room no less! Dallas has finally joined the wonderful world of roleplaying and she starts on the deep side of the pool with a vampire larp (Live action roleplay) set in the World of Darkness using setting from Vampire the Masquerade, 5th edition. Her character, the toreador Tempest Thorne finally gets to meet my noseferatu Emily Cordell. The first part of the episode takes place before the session and after a timeskip you will get to hear her first impressions of roleplaying! We had so much fun! Enjoy!
This is a very special episode, and, as promised, all about roleplaying. My friend Nicole who I roleplay with a lot is a quest, we talk about how we met and how our roleplaying dynamics work. She plays the character Juniper in the Tyranny of Dragons campaign I have mentioned a few times on this podcast. She also interviews my character Sapphire, which was a lot of fun! Enjoy!
I speak about something very happy going on in Sweden right now, with state funded transphobia. But I also speak of the silver lining and the things that help us through it.
Trigger warning; talk of suicide.
I speak about a cool transition related dream I had last night, and the interesting conclusion I drew from it. I also talk about a bit of a hot-take; I think the the hunt for main character syndrome in TTRPGs has gone way too far.
We’re all in this world together. In this episode I give my love to the wonderful loud allies of trans people, and, by extension, every othered and villfiied minority. I also speak of the loud toxic minority in my favorite hobby – gatekeepers in roleplaying. Can I have a boo and a hiss?
I talk about love and sexuality, both transition-related and roleplay related. I speak about what I think of labels when it comes to sexual preferences and what transitioning has done to mine. I speak about a romance-related cunundrum I am experiencing at the moment, something I would like people to talk more about, since romance […]
I talk about the chemical progress of my Hormone Replacement Therapy as the real me is “Entering the world”. I also speak about how I feel like some limitations to freedom can help make roleplaying games more immerisve, I use my own project as an example.
In this one I give a little rant. I often get asked what I would like cis people knew about the trans experience and here it is. A lot of even well emaning cis people have trouble with this, but PLEASE make an effort to understand – REALLY understand the nature of being NOT BECOMING […]
I am back from summer holiday and I was blown away by how much my voice has changed since I started this podcast! I also speak about how culture in roleplaying games has improved my experience. I read a scene I wrote down from the session I played from the One Ring roleplaying game, read like an audio book to showcase my progress in voice work. Esmeralda Took tossed and turned, sleep was an elusive creature tonight! She was on the brink of a genuine adventure, prescribed by cousin Bilbo himself! She was well aware that the likelihood of encountering…
I am taking two weeks off, but enjoy this backstory of Sophilde, the character that was interviewed in the previous episode. I really like her story, but keep in mind, it is quite dark and I would like warn about fictional suicidal thoughs – if these are triggering to you, please skip this episode. Be well, and have a great summer!
I go into character and answer some interview-questions from roleplayingtips.com. I talk as Sophlide, my problematic storm sorceress. Next week I will give you her backstory. Enjoy!
No roleplay talk today. Just wonderful wonderful news about me and my transition. I will be getting diagnosed, I am feeling more free in my voice, and pride, oh my gosh pride. Listen for some pure trans joy, and of course a sonnet. This sonnet. The strides I’ve taken cannot be denied, Look down the depth from whence I had to rise, The pain I’ve felt, the tears that I have cried, Were worth it all, to shed my grim disguise. Yes, sacrifice was made, I can’t deny, Though I care not for strength to open jars. But there was…
I performed at my friends recital of her new book, where I portrayed Queen Mariel, a character from the upcoming fantasy novel Threads of Blood by Dallas De Fée. I had a great time, and I want to describe the similarities between immersive roleplaying and acting as it became very clear to me. There is also a trans story in there, since I helped Dallas with some sensitivity reading from a trans person’s perspective, to get our voice right. And finally I end with a sonnet again, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? This time it’s writtren from the perspective…
I have wonderful news about my trans journey, followed by wonderful news about my hobby. I have just just started LARPing Vampire: the Masquerade again! I am so happy I could cry. Be warned, in this episode I drink champagne and eat cheese so there is some nomming to be heard.
I hit a milestone, people. Someone tried to pick me up in a bar! And I remained completely and utterly oblivious until my friend pointed it out afterwards. After talking a bit about that I re-visit the idea of playing a child in TTRPGs as I talk a bit about my new sassy tabazi teenages Rashakaxia. No you are not pronouncing it correctly, just say Kaxi if you find that easier, Tabaxi names can be a little tricky for humans to say. Enjoy!
Image by Jamscandraw.
I rehearse my voice work, as was the entire point of this podcast, and then I conclude the backstory of my paladin of friendship I began in episode 32. There will be more episodes as I have started writing chapters of our game sessions. Do you want more of these? Tell me and it just might happen.
Copyright free track Maestro Tlakaelel by Jesse Gallagher -aquired on Youtube Studio Sound Library
This is a quick episode where I talk about my first laser hair removal treatment, followed by how the note taking of my roleplaying with the purpose of recording the story for prosperity has effected my immersion. Next week it’s back to story time!
So now this odcast is pretty much an audio book. I read two parts of my three part backstory for the character i play in the Tyranny of Dragons for Dungeons & Dragons 5E. I know I promised all three, but I got a little overwhelmed aloing the way. I will add the last part in a future episode, as well as the first couple of sessions. I created a really deep backstory and I hopeit can bring you some enjoyment. The album art for this episode is not of my character but her childhood friend, Juniper. My character is Aurelia – Guardian of friendship, I was inspired by a wonderful homebrewed subclass for paladins by Skald of Shenanigans called the Oath of Friendship available for free on her site.
Juniper, as an adult. Screenshot taken in the character creator for Baldur’s Gate 3Copyright free track Maestro Tlakaelel by Jesse Gallagher -aquired on Youtube Studio Sound Library
In this episode I try an experiment. I have been playing around with ChatGPT and roleplaying matierial, namely filling out parts of my backstory that my character should not have had complete control over. This has worked well for me but just for fun, I decided to see what happens if I let ChatGPT create the entire character fopr me and play it live as it emerges in front of me.
Will it come to life? Will it be good? Will I cry? The first two are debatable. The last one is a yes. I cried. Because of course I did.
My advice is, ChatGPT is a fun tool or a toy, but only use it to brainstorm roleplay material, do not let it replace your creativity.
Some more voicework, the squeaky-exercise and some goods news about me overpowering my voice dysphoria somewhat. I also announce that I am going back into LARPing (Live Action RolePlay) and talk about my process in making an interesting vampire character to play in a LARP. As my character is still being designed, any feedback from you might influence how I end up playing her, nudge nudge wink wink.
Listen to me ramble and gush about my experience at this year’s gothcon, an annual convention for people who enjoy roleplaying games, tactical card games, and board games etc. etc.
I speak of the games I played, speaking with TTRPG creators and some hints of my own projects, as well as some insights in what it is like to be come out as trans around people you meet annually in a convention setting.
Enjoy!
Bad things happen and that sucks. But sometimes you find a lot of good things within the bad things. After my transition related story I lift the question of nurturing conflicts between player characters roleplaying parties – why is it awesome and how does it work in the long run?
Warning: there are some spoilers for the wonderful Netflix show Arcane which you totally need to watch right now if you haven’t.
I also reference Skald of Shenanigans and their DnD creations. Find their Ko.fi here or visit @Skaldofshenan on twitter.
A quick little episode about the importance of communicating things that would be pretty darn good to know! Both in life and in roleplaying! Listen to this if you are a roleplayer and/or have wavy hair. Especially if you are a trans woman with wavy hair! #gamechanger
I answer a list of trans realted questions from the meme I refer to in the About Me section of my blog. I hope that helps some cis people get a basic understanding and that it’s entertaining.
I explain my plans of having my roleplaying characters interviewed in the future, a wonderful experiment meant to spread the joy of immersive roleplaying techniques and perhaps provide some interesting stories. I provide a list and a brief descriuption of 15 characters you can suggest as a subject for an interview.
Enjoy!
In this episode I give you a list of some of my many coming out stories, as requested bu a lsitener. I also talk about my Forbidden Lands character Tireana, and how her experience helped teach the entire group about dysphoria before I even out to them! Enjoy!
Art by Coffeejelly.
In this episode I try to explain gender dysphoria in a way to maybe help cis people have a better understanding of what it means to be trans. Obviosuly not all trans people are dysphoric, but I hope this helps shed some light on the nature of identity that can be hard for someone who has never had to think hard about it due to not having grown up with their identites constantly challenged.
I go on to talk about what dysphoria, as horrible as it is, has tought me and how it helped me improve my acting skills and become a fantastic tool for immersion in roleplaying. You do not need dysphoria to achieve this, so I invite every role player to try this out and take their immersion to a whole new level.
You get some more information about my oh so edgy character Sophilde, a character designed to need an intervention for bad behaviour, another accidental coming out story and I speak about the complicated question of when is it ok to push or encourage your closeted friends to come out? Is it ever? If so, how to go about it? I do not have any clear answers but I do have wonderful stories about how it was for me. This one is a treat! Enjoy!
Art by http://minimi.artstation.com
In this episode I explain something about pronouns, something that is often missed by well meaning allies. You might need to hear this.
Then I put some more character driven detail in the series of events I went through with Karl in last week’s episode. As we decided we should talk through the entire campaign I felt I needed to fill you in on some more character aspects to the story so far instead of the broad strokes. In the future we are going to speak with that kind of detail from the get go.
And lastly, I let Alvhild answer a listener question. Beware, it’s a heavy one.
Art by Coffeejelly.
I speak to my friend and Game Master Karl Wictorin, the man who assigned the character Alvhild to me, as I explaine din Episode 2 – the Magic of Names. He came on to talk about his game mastering technique but we went off on a tangent reliving the start of that magical campaign. If you want to skip ahead to the technique it begins at timecode 30:08. I do recommend listening to the campaign talk though as we will continue this thread in a later episode.
Game Master Karl Wictorin
In defence of an old pet peeve of a lot of roleplayers. A bit of a hot take to some, but here I explain why I think a tavern is a fine place to start, as long as you’ve done the rest of the ground work.
Today’s sonnet:
One fateful day six souls did start,
Some went for honour, some for gold,
Where they’d be headed, none could chart,
This fateful eve, in Thistle hold.
An odd selection, I admit,
Who ever saw such strange a crowd,
Before they’d know it, they’d commit,
To fates hidden in darkest shroud.
A rude awakening of scale,
Disaster that in legend stem,
They pondered choice, to no avail,
As destiny made it for them.
And thus, the troupe was now enrolled,
One fateful night in Thistle hold.
I speak about my personal development, and faults that I, myself am proud of getting over. I also speak of how this is a kind of growth we should all strive for, not just in life but in roleplay as well. Once again I let my young character Alvhild speak, and she tells of the day she put her bitterness behind her. She also says goodbye to a very dear friend.
If you wish to catch up on Alvhild’s story before listening to this, I speak of her in Episode 2: The Magic of Names, Episode 10: Broken promises and lost hope, and Episode 11: Playing child characters in TTRPGs.
Art Coffeejelly.
Alvhild to the left, Joaquin to the right, as they escape from Tyvesborg begins.
In this one I speak with my friend Emmanuel, who is transmasc and a roleplayer. We speak about how his experience is different from mine, and we go onto to meeting as our characters. Me as Sipphire, and him as his changeling character Nyx. I might be slightly tipsy and we do waffle on in character in this, the longest episode so far but we had great fun doing it and Nyx calling Sapphire adorable was amazing. We hope you enjoy it!
Some pictures of Nyx and his forms! Art by Emmanuel himself.
MalenthiaGrigorHarrukhNyx in hir natural formNikkAnd the man himself, Emmanuel
Here I cover some really nice things I have noticed after coming home to my side of the field, so to speak. I also speak about how we all are responsible for making this world the best it can be, and when we appreciate someone, speak up. And role players; never forget to thank your game master.
Also, I am now team red head! Go me!
To the game masters:
The countless worlds and wonders I have seen,
The friends I’ve made, and enemies as well,
The many different people I have been,
Unending tome of stories I can tell.
I cannot thank the higher ones enough,
The weavers of the fates befallen me,
That carried me when roads have been so rough,
They’ve given me a million worlds to see.
So please, brothers and sisters of the dice,
Do not forget the gratitude we owe;
Sing praises to the ones that let you rise,
Creative minds that help your spirit grow.
Oh weavers hear my grateful praise to thee;
Please know how much you’ve always meant to me.
In this episode I answer the question, what does it mean to speak of gender as a social construct. That is a big issue but I try to explain it as quickly as I can before moving on to the controversies that have set our wonderful hobby ablaze, the new supposed update to the Open Game License of Dungeons & Dragons. I do see hope however and listen all the way through to share that hope with me.
Oh friend, oh fellow traveller of planes,
I see the tears of anger on thy face,
The magic; like the love you’ve felt, it wanes,
The home you’ve always known is set ablaze.
But please dear sister, still thy worried heart,
And brother won’t though listen to these words?
Thy first steps long ago, a wonderous start,
But why stay down, we could fly free as birds!
A warming fire, roof above thy head,
Felt safe of course, to stay out of the rain,
But what if we slept under stars instead?
In comfort thou hath grown to love thy chain.
The wizards of the coast will come to see,
The power that they crave, it rests with thee.
Happy New Year 2023 everybody! In this episode I share some pure trans joy. Not a lot of talk about roleplaying but if you like happiness, trust me, you’ll want to hear this. There will be more nerdy stuff next week, I promise!
Today’s sonnet:
A year of many horrors and despair,
With cruelty and malice on the rise,
No good can come of those who do not care,
And those who do might suffer hope’s demise.
But there was cause to celebrate as well,
T’was the year that I began to shine,
When I completely cast away my shell,
And all my days from this day will be mine.
The wasteland might be full of pain and fears,
But in the dark I can see every star,
There are no words – so sing my joyful tears;
To loving friends that carried me this far.
Though none yet know what the coming year might hold,
I know you’re with me and that’s worth more than gold.
I wasn’t going to record an episode this week but here we are. Something came up and I just had to talk about it. I am sure you will understand why. You will hear me introduce myself myself as my Dungeons & Dragons-character Cassandra Lagrandia, Half-elf wild sorceress. Also, I got my nails done!
Happy rest of the season everyone!
This is about the feeling of seeing myself for the first time. It’s hard to explain to a cis person, but give it a listen and I hope it helps. I also explain how I’ve been a dumb-dumb, writing my sonnets all wrong, but with a silver lining! And give you two sonnets this week, and this time they are in actual iambic pentameter. The weight of hubris hit me hard today.So proud I’ve been of sonnets writ by me,They flow like rivers, brighten up my day,And to my mind the lines all perfect be. So why then with this…
How I learned to use my dysphoria to improve my acting and roleplaying and how you could potentially use the same ideas to bring new levels of life to your imaganitaion. I introduce my new character from Vaesen, Ingalill Sifsdotter, whom I plan to start playing in early 2023. This week’s sonnet is by her. Sonnet for the dead: Please with thy presence, do me grace. Thy path been walked from dust to dust, As kings and beggars, all do face, The same fate as the rest of us. Among us still thy spirit be, In sorrow, vengeance or regret, …
I start with describing another encounter with everyday sexism, something that was, of course, expected but I still find my perspective interesting. For those who think sexism is a myth, trans people are a great resource since we tend to experience things more than one part of the gender spectrum. I go on with talking about why playing young roleplaying characters is an interesting experience and well worth exploring. I talk about the first child character I created in a setting that did not require it. Lea, a 13 year old sorceress/cleric. Feel free to aks her a question! Finally…
So here is that mini rant I promised you, about how Sweden has zero respect for the autonomy of our identites and has no interest in changing that, in spite of promises to the contrary. Following the rant, my 13 year old character Alvhild, my namesake that I introduced in Episode 2, the Magic of Names (I really do recommend listening to it if you haven’t, it is one of my favourite stories). A friend of mine asked her the question, what are your hopes and dreams? And yeah… there were some tears when I answered it. Enjoy! Picture by…
A fantastic thing happened to me yesterday when I was picking up the new microphone I am reviewing for www.myogaming.se (a Swedish site). Listen to hear my euphoria! Someone asked a question to one of my characters, which she answers followed by a related poem! The tales that stood the test of timeAre nothing like this tale of mineIt all seemed simple, loud and clearA hero fights in spite of fearHe conquers villains, saves the dayIf odds be frightening, come what may And then he climbs the tower tallTo save the maiden, win it allShe’d look into those eyes of…
This episodesy starts with a quick bit about me facing the world and its perception of me and then I go into introducing two of my characters in first person as an experiment to see if I sound different even when not really thinking about my voice from an outside perspective. The characters are Sapphire and Elonine, whom I have spoken of before in this podcast. Sapphire, from one of the Dungeons & Dragons-campaigns I play, is the princess character who is inspired by queen Ozma of the books about Oz. Elonine is a barbarian witch from Symbaroum who, during…
In this episode I talk about being validated by negative things, such as lack of pockets in feminine clothing. I then go onto defending tragic backstories and the dreaded edgelord. Are they as bad as everyone says or is there more to it? And here is the day’s sonnet: Little Brother Sleep, Sleep Thee Well Thy slumber, sweet as it may seem, The answer hid by mist opaque, If thine eyes see within thine dream; Why thee would ever wish to wake. With purest heart and brightest grace, No being ever felt thy scorn, By thine reward I dub this…
My experience in updating my name with the bank left me a bit annoyed. Still a good day but giver it a listen and I will explain what troubled me and how we can improve the situation. And my roleplaying hot take is one that has sparked many arguments but I will die on this hill! And yes I know the risk of dying is a tad higher with a nerfed healer, ha ha friggin ha. I will not end this episode with a sonnet but with an inner monolgue done from the point of view of one of my…
I had a bit of a day, well, a couple of days. I need to vent a bit about transphobia so this is the most unscipted I have ever been. There are good things too obviously and of course I am still ending with some poetry! Thank you all for listening! Today’s sonnets: 1 Outside my window staring in Unhindered by the cold and rain You’re waiting for it to begin Unending feast of fear and pain Been right behind me all my life Your shadows breathing down my neck Yoúr seething hatred forms a knife To lure me t’ward a flaming wreck …
I explain some of the first noticable effects of my hormone replacement therapy, as well as how I use that in an ongoing Dungeons & Dragons campaign, in which I base my character on a character from the Oz books by L. Frank Baum. Here is the image I speak of (yes, the pants got ruined because they weren’t quite made for Sapphire’s new hips). And today’s sonnet: To Harding Of every curse befallen me, The folly of a childish mind, By far the most egregious be, Now innocence be left behind. My friend, thy heart was pure and true,…
In this episode I explain the best tips and tricks on how I work with my own voice in a way that I hope is easier to understand than much of what can be found online. I also explain how wonderful roleplaying can be for people who need a safe space to explore themselves and how important it is for all of us to provide a safe space for all our friends to be themselves and hopefully we’ll get to share the journey together. Today’s sonnet: Come follow me to distant lands,To worlds beyond what eyes can see.Where, as the…
This is my second episode of my podcast and already I doubled the length of my last one If you have half an hour to spare I promise it will be worth it. I answer the question “What is a deadname” as well tell the story of the journey of my name and how roleplaying played a big and spectacularly unlikely part in how I ended up where I am today. I speak about the game Västmark by Krister Sundelin, which exists as a free in swedish pdf here. The art Commission I spoke of, art by Coffeejelly, coloring by…
Well here I am, rambling away with no script, as will happen at times. I really want to podcast and I am just trying out how it feels. In this episode I introduce my thoughts and feelings on why I need to express myself in this way and I think it might be relevant to people who share my interests and enjoy my musings as well as follow my journey of voice feminization. Enjoy!!