Families with Dash: Recent Episodes
Amelia Murdock and Joan Landes
Families with Dash features a Clinical Mental Health Counselor (Joan) sharing insights with her entrepreneur daughter (Amelia) on all things family related. From newborns to grandchildren, from husbands to homeschool, we share 50 years of experience that is time-tested and research approved. Increase your parenting confidence by joining us!
Most parents don't realize that powerful research shows that the ability to delay gratification in children is the most important factor for life success. Not grades. Not genius intelligence. Not money. The most important factor (after having a reasonable level of intelligence) is the trait Concientiousness. That's a fancy way to say, "Ability to delay gratification." Heres an important podcast that points to these facts.
"A puppy? I can't take having a puppy!" We've all said it, right? And it is true that pets can be a significant stressor when you have very young children. But pets can teach important lessons of empathy, love, patience, and loyalty to our older children. In this podcast, Amelia and Joan discuss the benefits of having family pets and why it might be worth the effort to invite an animal into your family.
We know there are tons of questions, concerns, hopes and dreams around homeschooling your children. Here are some key concepts by experienced homeschool moms and the research based insights from a clinical mental health counselor. Let us know what other issues you want addressed!
This gives answers to your homeschooling questions. The questions you have wanted to ask and the answers that you need. Enjoy!
Maybe you are trying to go the "gentle parenting" route but find you are yelling at your children more. You are not alone. Here are some solutions to that unhealthy habit.
Hear from a super experienced, second-generation homeschool mom of five children ages 10-18 years old. She has successfully navigated the issues that may be challenging you -- and you will get some concrete ideas to inspire you!
Purchase the popular phonics-based reading program at Dash into Learning.
Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program Dash into Happy.
This episodes discusses the development of attention in children so they can become proficient musicians--plus family traditions that create an appreciation and excitement for masterpiece music. You can start before your baby is even born!
Purchase our delightful early learning curriculum at DashIntoLearning.com and our family centered Social Emotional Learning program at DashIntoHappy.com
Ever wondered the secrets to getting children to practice their instrument? Joan is a mother of seven musical children and Amelia is the mom of four kids who are learning instruments. And they are sharing some time tested strategies to inspire your child to practice.
See our popular phonics based reading program for kids here at DashintoLearning.com
See our popular emotional resilience program for families here at DashintoHappy.com
Show Notes
Benefits
Composer studies via Charlotte Mason Classical music interactive long term cultural tradition Beethoven instead of white noise Junk music can undermine love of classical music Expose your children to the repertoire that they will be learning so they will have an “Aha”moment with the music. Music can change the flow of composition when making art Music skills can be enjoyed for a lifetime Strong links between learning an instruments and academic success Imparts discipline for study or concentration Classical music is rigorous but provides a foundation for other types of music study. Attention is like a muscle that can be developed — music is a vehicle to develop capacity for attention How to prime the pump so kids will want to make music. During pleasurable events— traveling, cuddling, dinner, tea parties Classical music as a repellant for vagrants Lullabies and pre birth music A speech therapist said Amelia’s child would never learn music but Amelia proved her wrong Don’t watch a lot of TV but could choose some great classical performers on YouTube to watch. As children fall asleep Prep children for attending the symphony by having kids listen to the music beforehand Don’t stay for the whole concert if it’s too long. Symphonies for families, kids, or include ballet.
How to actually start teaching music Establish habits of obedience BEFORE they start taking lessons. But sometimes you can swap chores for practice on the instruments. You can start a 3 year old on violin or piano but it will take longer and cost more money than starting a 5 year old. Don’t compare your child to others. If you have no musical background you might want to start at age 7-10 so the child can retain instruction from the teacher. Parents need to attend every lesson and either video or take great notes. Less driving than sports. Find the very best teacher you can afford who can teach proper technique. Don’t be afraid to drive an hour for a superior teacher. Show great respect to the teacher. This takes a sacrifice on part of parents. Don’t complain to teacher about the cost. Universities can be a good resource for good teaching. Start music lessons in the summer when they are not overloaded with school. Don’t take summers off from lessons. You only have to practice on the days you eat. Make it part of your family culture. After the first year or so, your child can really bloom. Be excited for all their little wins Record them and send videos to family. Friend from South Korea Parents role is to be the assistant teacher or practice buddy Start with 3 minutes multiple times a day for a 3 year old. For a total beginner start with as many minutes as they are old. Don’t expect your child to practice independently until about 4th or 5th grade. Start weaning off parent lesson attendance about age 10. By age 12 they should be practice independently.
Some ideas to make fun: 1.Divide the goals into very small tasks 2. Gamify the practice 3. Tiny treats like goldfish or tic tacs 4. Practice for spins. Delayed gratification. 5. Jump rope with rhymes 6. Hand clapping games 7. Read a page of a story book 8. Tell true stories and stop at cliff hangers 9. Closer and closer game 10. Board games 11. Ball into a basket 12. Progressive drawing 13. Hang man and tick tac toe 14. Doing music can help you develop a relationship and make memories 15. You can learn to repair the relationship while they are on the bench. 16. Never make practicing a punishment. 17. Make the rewards to be almost instantaneous. 18. The most important day to practice is the day right after the lesson. 19. Videoed practice sessions for total beginners on Joan Landes counselor channel.
Next week Rob Landes Violin
ReplyForward
Don't you have to criticize your kids and spouse to motivate them? The answer is "No". Learn a different strategy that will help you kick the criticism habit.
- Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program for kids here at DashintoHappy.com
- Purchase our open-and-go homeschool curricula at DashintoLearning.com
Show notes:
Amelia’s experience with her new ponies
Strength-based motivation contrasted with “criticism motivation”
Creates defensivenesses
Need to disrupt negative strategies
Criticism is a habit of mind
“Something’s wrong here”
Strength-based motivation is good for relationships and for personal resilience
Definition of Strength-based motivation
Example of child cleaning the kitchen poorly
“Nothing I do is ever good enough”
Laissez-faire parenting ends up in blow-ups and recriminations
Cooperate to assist in cleaning
Volunteer to be the servant and boss
Make the process relational as you include instruction
Example 2: Being on time
Find an instance that they are already mastering
Validate the person’s strength
Invite them to apply strengths to the new situation
Find and acknowledge places that people are successful
Criticism generates defensiveness
Express faith and offer a support system
Shaping behavior as a factor in strength based motivation
Definition of shaping behavior
Freshman psychology class shaping behavior of professors
Don’t wait for perfection to reinforce behavior
Amelia’s example of her daughter’s attitude
Have conversation with daughter when she’s not upset
A reminder cue
Solution-focused approach
What can you keep doing that created the good results
Most of us use criticism 90% of time
Strength-based motivation could be 90% of motivation
This strategy can be used in all relationships regather than shaming and failure
Gossiping and complaining
Say 3 nice things about that person or situation instead
When children are whining or complaining ask
What’s right about this situation?
Then process what needs to change.
Teach and train before the negative behavior occurs.
Intentionally teach beforehand rather than just catching a child in a bad situation.
This strengthens the attachment relationship
After a difficult situation you can ask your child to find 3 good things about the difficult situation
This helps your family culture to be more positive
Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie?
Definition of "Praise Junkie"
One of the downsides of positive parenting
Cultural backdrop of overpraising children:
◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s
◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment
◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift
◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment.
◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits.
◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth.
◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!)
◦ Trophies for everyone on the team
Problems:
◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect
◦ Kids can become dependent
◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise
◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise
◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job.
◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure.
◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad)
◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation
Solutions
◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity
◦ Model self-validation
◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?”
◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?”
◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?”
◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious.
◦ When kids say I don’t know
◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous
◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint.
◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way.
- Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better.
Purchase our family-centered Social Emotion Learning program at DashintoHappy.com
Purchase our open-and-go homeschool curriculum at DashintoLearning.com
Week 5 show notes Attachment w teens part 2
Secure base to launch your teen
Stewardship delegation
When teenagers say “I’m fine”
Always maintain authority as you are giving more independence
Interviewing/check in w teens
Values and goals clarification
Life maps
How to listen so your child will talk
Fetal development
Role play
Additive empathy
Attunement and reflecting
Strength-based motivation
Trips w kids
Lunch bunch
During interviews predict the near future
Tell stories to communicate values
How to collaborate on rules and consequences
Morning devotions and how to avoid a power struggle over religiosity
Pick your battles and stop being nit-picky
Joan and Amelia talk about attachment with your teenagers.
Be a secure base to launch your teen Stewardship delegation When teenagers say “I’m fine” Always maintain authority as you are giving more independence Interviewing/check in w teens Values and goals clarification Life maps How to listen so your child will talk Fetal development Role play Additive empathy Attunement and reflecting Strength-based motivation Trips w kids Lunch bunch During interviews predict the near future Tell stories to communicate values How to collaborate on rules and consequences Morning devotions and how to avoid a power struggle over religiosity Pick your battles and stop being nit-picky
Secure attachment creates resilience to bullying
Ways to “collect” your children
- Recommended Book: Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld
- Together Time with your child as an investment in attachment
- Identifying with adults is an indication of a secure attachment
- The power of the regular rituals
- Amelia’s experience in France watching how rituals impact behavior and connection to family culture
- Family Dinners – and nice China dinner on Sundays
- Making tea as a ritual that slows us down and encouraging mindfulness
- Amelia’s teen friend who never had family dinner
- Morning rituals: devotions, day planning, etc.
- Rituals of coming and going
- Memory objects to foster emotional connection
- Children do more greeting of others than adults do
- Celebrate the arrival home of people
- Look into the eyes of your children and smile into their face
- Reading aloud while cuddling
- Inside jokes
- Stop and pause while reading aloud to discuss
- Vacation/Staycation
- Take photos and reminisce together
- Family projects—work projects, making cookies, home renovations
Parents need to leverage their natural authority as the person who knows stuff and gives direction. Rather than google and outsource your authority in front of your child, do the research beforehand if possible. At least, put any internet facts into the context of your family culture.
Be your child’s safe place when they are overwhelmed.
Joan’s client who connected her grandparents’ home with safety
Sometimes feeding your child to comfort them can be alright since it is so primal
“Comfort with Containment” is a reciprocal dynamic between parent and child.
Elementary age grandchild who was asked to contain before the processing
Importance of teaching children to contain their distress to deal with reality away from Mom
Lawnmower Parent vs. Balanced Parenting
Containing distress is an important part of socializing children so that their peers and other adults will not reject the child and the child feels abandoned.
Many times, the behaviors of emoting distress in dramatic ways because habitual. Children can learn to express their distress in socially acceptable ways so that they can access support.
- Have a pet name for your child to create unique attachment
How to comfort others in distress:
Three-part brain description: Reptilian (Brain stem), Mammalian Brain (Limbic system etc), Humanistic Brain (Neocortex)
When a child is distressed, their prefrontal cortex goes offline
You may escalate the stress by trying to problem-solve too soon after the distress.
Instead, hold, comfort and reassure your upset child. Possibly give a bath to relax their bodies.
Soothe a child through their body systems (on the Reptilian Brain level) and through the feeling level (Mammalian brain)
Don’t use too many words when comforting them. Cry with your child if it feels right.
Wrap in a warm blanket, hug them, rock them, put them in a warm bath, feed them from your hand. Sleeping with them, cuddling with them.
Save the problem solving for after the child is comforted.
Warning signs of peer dependence:
- If your child is overly devastated by peer drama/rejection
- If your child rejects parental authority/comfort/counsel
- If your child needs to be constantly connected with their peers
- Don’t give elementary aged children screens/phones
One of the tasks for parents is to help their children to become socially acceptable while remaining securely attached to parents.
Small changes are enough to make big results. Choose one thing and implement it.
Purchase our emotional resilience program for parents and kids here
and our other educational curriculum here: dashintolearning.com
One benefit of Secure attachment with parents rather than peers:
Secure attachment improves resilience to bullying
Parents as the Safe-haven
Teen Suicide after bullying because of peer dependence
Homeschooled kids are often more securely attached to parents
Parents can be a Secure Base to explore the world.
Attachment comes first before confident exploring
Early on, parents should foster a healthy dependence by meeting their needs in an attuned way.
Milton Erickson stages: First task: Trust vs Mistrust
Safe Haven allows forays into independence with a safety net.
Goal of adulthood is not to be independent, but to be healthfully interdependent after independence established.
Babies need lots of body connection and touch through the touch pressure relationship.
Book Recommendation: Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold on to Your Kids.
Foster healthy independence.
Joan’s big mistake as a brand new teen mother.
Old school survival technique was not to validate emotions.
Thankful for modeling from mature mothers.
Routine helps to foster attachment.
Nursing or holding bottle better than propping bottle.
Toddlers identifying with parents increases with attachment.
Parents need to be benevolent and strong to inspire toddlers identification.
Example of strong and benevolence.
Timing is very important when enforcing boundaries.
Parents need to respond quickly to disobedience with strength and benevolence.
When you give a command and you follow through, the child’s trust in you increases. The attachment increases.
Having a three-year old to make decisions in the family is an undue burden.
Boys who get away with ignoring their mothers disrespect women when older.
Don’t ask children to process in the moment when upset.
Can’t do the long drawn out explanations with young, upset children.
Examples of how good boundaries keep everyone safe and productive: Dairy cows and bad fences.
Training horses and how much easier not to allow pattern in the first place.
French parenting with firm boundaries.
Low levels of ADHD in French children.
No time on screens
Children connect to extended family
Day care research on attachment.
Spontaneously respond to children before they make a bid for connection.
Offer attention before children are deprived.
Amelia and Joan introduce themselves
Purpose of the podcast
General parenting philosophy
Three lenses for understanding behavior:
Cognitive
Trauma
Attachment
Role of attachment in relationships
Differences in the attachment paradigm and various practices
Definition of Peer Dependence in children
Why Peer dependence is potentially harmful
How the modern culture creates peer dependence
What to look for to tell if your child is peer dependent
Ways to start creating more secure attachments with parents/family
♥️Purchase our emotional resilience program for parents and kids here
♥️Purchase our other educational curriculum here: dashintolearning.com