Who Cares? with Dan Hettinger: Recent Episodes
Who Cares Podcast
Care matters. You feel better when you know that someone cares about you.
Your care matters. People feel better when they know that you care about them—especially in the hard times. So, “Who cares? Well we all care about people and things to some extent. But in this podcast, we are here to search for answers to the question, “How can we care better?”
In our study to care with actions that make a difference we begin with our nature. This is our source and capacity to care. If we have a nature that has not been changed by God, all kinds of disfunction pour out of us. I make this point with the metaphor of your life being a bucket. Whatever your bucket is full of will affect how you approach every situation in life and how well you care or even if you care. There is great news! God offers to fill our buckets with a new nature powered by His Spirit that helps us care effectively.
When we boil it all down, most of us want to know our life has made a difference in someone else’s life. That’s worth thinking about and considering how that desire fits into God’s plan and design for our lives. Then we are set on a course for our best life.
Our world changed on April 20, 1999. I remember where I was standing when I first heard there was an active shooter in a High School in Littleton, Colorado. In this episode I talk to Lauren who was a student at Columbine that day. Just before the shooting began, she was on the payphone trying to get her mother’s permission to skip a class so she could go the library to work on a project. Her mother did not give her permission, so Lauren did not go to the room that became a war zone. She was one of the students who safely fled the school. Her memories involve surprise, shock and sadness. Her story teaches us how to support people with trauma and how we can be caring people when we cannot see the trauma a person has experienced.
This method is not for everybody, but since each person’s grief is unique to their personality, faith, relationship and situation, Sam’s experience is not only valid, it is interesting. He and Mary were story tellers and writers in the happy and healthy days and that gift helped Sam see this situation through the story of Mary’s life and death. With God as the author, the story contains grief, drama and hope. Most of all, it isn’t final and Sam finds hope in that belief and trust in the Author to write the best story. His analytical mind helps him see important lessons in the Biblical account of Jesus raising Lazarus. They are powerful when the one sharing is describing his encounter with loss and grief.
Sam’s sister got a very rare form of cancer at age 19. Journeying through symptoms, diagnosis, illness and her death took Sam into events and emotions that a 21 year old is simply not prepared for. It seemed right to be strong for her. He tried to be strong and cover his fear and sadness. She was the one with the battle and he wanted to help her, not need her. So he was a caring big brother but he wonders if he should have been a little more open with her and his family as they were all hurting together.
“It was the right thing to do,” Stephanie says. “But yes, I have regrets.” Caring for people often is inconvenient and even more, sacrificial. Dramatic needs require changes that no one plans for or wants. But what else should we do. In Stephanie’s new life, her view of life experiences and faith expanded to areas of her character and living that she would never have sought and she did something very important. She cared for her dad and mom.
Hurt people, hurt people. We care for hurt people. It is a sad reality that sometimes a relationship blows up or a care receiver does and they say something very hurtful. Those times can wound and wounds must be cared for. Now, as a regular feature on our podcast, Darrel Chaney tells about a Big League experience of being wounded. It sets the stage for a conversation about wounds that discourage, weigh down and drain the energy and enthusiasm that we need to effectively care for people. These wounds, spoken by people, are really arrows of our primary enemy. Our adversary who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Satan wants to keep you from caring and there are spiritual tools to find healing for our wounds and build a shield to protect us from further injury. We need to be healthy to care healthy.
Marilyn Starzer is back. This time she shares more about how her plans for the future changed when her husband had a stroke. She was angry about some of those changes too. There were places they wanted to visit but did not get to and things they needed to do, but had to get help. But when she began to give help to grieving people, she found the emotional and spiritual help she needed. Sometimes helping others is the best therapy.
Heroes are important. We all need them. Do you have a Care Ministry Hero? Someone who showed the way or provided care in an unforgettable way? Maybe you are a hero to someone else. It is a good idea to look for an aspiring young person who wants to help people. Darrel Chaney is back to talk about Heroes. His was Ernie Banks and Darrel tells of an incredible moment when Ernie welcomed Darrel to the Big Leagues. It was on first base in Wrigley Field in front of a packed house. I tell about my Dad. The common denominators are time, presence, speaking into someone’s story and keeping up with it. When we do those things, we are a hero. Isn’t it great to think that Care Ministry can be heroic?
Everyone has a dream for what they want their life to be. But life is hard on dreams so people sometimes discount that dream as a childhood fantasy. Other times the routine, demands or problems of life just drown out the memory until we only live a frustrating existence. When we are caring for someone going through a crisis, especially a life altering event, their dream may be dashed. Maybe we never dreamed of a career of caring for people with problems. In my book, Welcome to the Big Leagues, the first inning (chapter) talks about our Dreams. Darrel Chaney is here to discuss his dream. I talk a little about mine. Giving dreams some thought will help us offer the best care. I hope your dream comes true as you listen.
For a brief few minutes I was tempted with the thought my visits were not very important. They certainly were not very exciting for me nor glamourous. But I did enjoy them and quickly savored the pleasure of the fellowship of three elderly people and the feeling of God’s favor. When we try to measure the return on investment of our time, we often get it wrong. The Bible is quite clear of the value to caring for the widow, the orphan, the poor and even our enemies. The real ROI may be that effective caring helps make us more caring people and caring people attract people to God’s care more than anything else.
It was an amazing result, both in scope and time, when Nehemiah and the exiles returning to Jerusalem, rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem in 52 days. Is there a secret rhythm here? There are some interesting facts that remain hidden to most people. As I have allowed this rhythm to work in my life, I noticed a time of accelerated results. So, nearly every year, I try to organize my prayer and devotional life into this 52 day rhythm. PRAY 52, can strengthen every care ministry. People are more consistent and thorough when they have a focused time with a beginning and an end. And the accelerated results encourage people and build excitement. It is not too late to get started for this year.
A stroke is to the brain, what a heart attack is to the heart. It can happen suddenly and produce results that are life altering. Marilyn tells how her life changed when her husband had a stroke. This active couple, living in Alaska, had plans for retirement. That all changed when Marilyn became a caregiver by necessity, not by choice. Now she talks about how to grieve and adjust to dreams that don’t come true, and how we can support people going through the dramatic impact of a stroke.
Miscarriage and infertility bring grief to the mother who never gets to know the child she was carrying and the couple whose dreams of a family remain out of reach. The heaviness is even worse at Christmas time when we celebrate the birth of a child and enjoy the excitement that children bring to the celebration. Juli joins the podcast today to tell her story of excitement, disappointment and longing and how she and her husband found the best care to deal with their loss. I hope, especially at this time of year, this podcast helps those who are in pain for miscarriage and/or infertility find care and comfort.
How much does your care matter? Probably more than you think it does. I have invited a former Big League baseball player to the podcast. Darrel Chaney played on the Cincinnati Reds during the amazing Big Red Machine era. He played in three World Series and four National League Championship Series over seven seasons with the Reds. He went on to play for the Atlanta Braves and become a Braves Broadcaster. His story is entertaining and applicable to the person who works behind the scenes in care ministry. Often we are tempted with feelings that we are not doing enough or that our role does not matter very much. But, the support roles matter a lot and we can be encouraged to be the best at our role. Your caring role matters! You were made for this! Darrel with be with us once a month in 2024 to help every listener realize their life matters and what they do matters.
There is nothing like going through hard times to make someone lose their confidence. But, when we care effectively for people, they are able to keep and even build their confidence. More than self-confidence, it is confident faith in God’s complete work, from beginning through the end. In this episode of the podcast, I bring a message from my life verse, Philippians 1:6. “Being confident of this, that he who has begun a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.”
Hard topics and difficult emotions do not need to be feared. Most of us prefer the positive and avoid the dark. We are afraid that if we go there, we will never get out or the pain will be overwhelming, and we won’t be able to handle it. That has been a mistake I have made for much of my life and ministry. But the opposite is true. When we are willing to go to the dark places of our lives, we will find God waiting for us. He always does perfect work, but when we experience God’s redemptive work in our darkness, it feels like His best work. There is power and transformation that exceeds our wildest expectations. This episode of the podcast is a message from a Psalm of Lament (22) that talks about the importance, danger and power of the dark times.
How resilient are children really? Today’s guest talks about his first memory, the death of his 6 years old sister in the bedroom they shared. William Knox Scarbrough, aka Billy, is an adult, now living in South Africa with his wife and two grown children. He has enjoyed success in building sets and writing for TV among other activities. But the pain of losing his big sister, when he was three years old, has impacted every phase of his life. I am thankful that he shared his story so we can learn about childhood grief, and maybe learn how to love and be a friend to someone who is suffering from a loss they have carried their entire life. Every teacher, children’s worker and coach should listen to this. It can help all of us be more understanding of why people act as they do.
Good guys get PTSD and faith helps.
People enlist for military service because they want to do something meaningful. Then they experience terrible things that go against everything they value. The wounds are invisible but can be debilitating and life changing as a warrior’s physical injuries. Part of the reason PTSD is so bad is because the person and the motives are so good. We honor the Vets who suffer with PTSD. We recognize that our best motives to support often fall short, so we are glad there is help above us. God’s help. And, we ask for God’s help for us, so we can care better for others.
I am thankful for this opportunity to talk about a Blue Christmas service and give you a sample of the content. Our world is in turmoil, fear and sadness. The Christ Child was born into such times and for our needs. For many who are grieving and feeling the pain of our world, this is the perfect type of service to celebrate with contemplation among other people who are going through a similar pain and loss.
Her stage name was Nightbirde when she appeared on America’s Got Talent. She got the golden buzzer from Simon Cowell, but unfortunately, she had a recurrence of breast cancer and had to withdraw from the competition. She and her brother Mitch were really close, and he gives us a peek into their relationship and what it was like to walk alongside his sister in her five years of the rollercoaster of cancer. Now Mitch oversees a foundation that honors his sister’s memory by helping other women find hope as they face cancer. In this episode Mitch also tells the type of interactions that were most helpful and some good intentions that were hurtful. We can learn from both.
Don is a recovering alcoholic. When he was a teenager, he drank at parties because he wanted to fit it. But he couldn’t handle it and years later it was ruining his life. He could have died; his body was in such bad shape. He lost everything and served time in prison for mistakes he made. In jail and after he got out, a couple key people and an accepting AA group helped him regain his sobriety. Soon he will celebrate his 19th anniversary of not having a drink! Hearing Don’s story gives hope to those struggling and guidance to friends, families and colleagues of people who have a drinking problem.
Everyone wants to know they’ve made a difference in someone's life. We accomplish a lot of things, but this is the one thing that matters most. The way we care for people assures us that we do make a difference. In this episode Susan and I discover the moments when we felt we were making a difference. The good news is that it was the way we cared that made the difference and those skills, included in The 7 Essentials for Caring That Makes a Difference, are transferable to every person and ever situation. We want to make a difference in the lives of people and our world is in great need of being cared for.
It took decades to learn the skills that made everything else work better. Why didn’t I know that way of caring before? The reasons I didn’t know them affect others too. Other areas of theology, preaching/teaching and leadership got priority. Sadly, the skills that would have made all those things work better were neglected. Actually, they have been neglected in all areas of life and relationships. Thank God, I learned them in the secular work world (customer service and sales for bankers), clinical settings and the church setting. I applied them at home too. Everything improved! Now the big question is, “How can I use them to make a difference?”
Care doesn’t just happen. It is not an accident. Care that makes a difference comes from people who practice the 7th Essential of Care Ministry, Being Ready. I share an insight from Henry Nouwen. “Are we pins and needles or do we have a comfortable room in our life for people to find God’s love?” And after the challenge for the inner life, I share a practical idea to get ready for the opportunities we will encounter in the outward living of life. We can make the choice to be ready to care, by getting ready to care.
“Satan is tempting us to believe God was absent at the time of our loss and in the time of our grieving.” That’s what Karen Schoenhals said on this episode when she shares more of her grief journey and expertise on grieving. But the opposite is true. God is near to the brokenhearted and the source of comfort and hope. We need to recognize that grieving is not just emotional but also a spiritual journey.
Karen Schoenhals has been an inspiration and teacher to me. Her wisdom related to grief and grieving is unsurpassed both as a highly trained Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and as a person with her own grief journey. One day, when she thought two little boys should not be laughing, she knew her grief was destroying her life and she could not go on. Having nowhere to turn, she began to read. Then she was asked to teach what she still did not know, but as she studied and taught about grief, she also learned about grieving and experienced healing from her own grief from the tragic death of her six-year-old daughter. Her knowledge and experience makes her someone you learn from, just by hearing her story.
Caring hinges on how well we listen. We can’t blow it here! The answers to why it is difficult and why it is important are closely connected. Listening is difficult because it is hard for us to get out of the way. We tend to feel the need to be the center of attention and to get our point across. But effective caring is about the other person so we’ve got to get out of the way. Even God listens to us as Jesus is our intercessor. So, let’s get serious about listening because when we master listening, we will live and care in the best way.
Jason Mueller is back. Five years after the loss of his son to murder, Jason has found reward in and passion for helping others travel the grief and loss journey. Most people don’t realize there is a goal for grieving. It is a journey with a destination and, while grief never goes away, it does change, and one can arrive at a place of wholeness as they find a way to remember and honor their loved one. Jason and I discuss a number of ideas. There are many GriefShare groups across the country. Jason describes this great tool and the value of participating in a GriefShare group.
Rob McPherson is back on the podcast to discuss what we should be looking for to expand lives and grow our ministries. Instead of trying to increase our numbers in the crowd, look for individuals you can care for. Better than something else for you to do, they are opportunities God is strategically giving you. Your care will matter.
Caring for the grieving and suffering exposes an incomplete or shallow theology. It sure did mine! I meant well, but I thought the “Good News” of the Gospel meant a perpetual good mood, victory and happy endings to every story. That is not reality and it is terribly disappointing. An accurate understanding of who God is and where he works is not only a complete theology, it works better because it is connected with reality. The we find real comfort and hope.
Do you get a heavy feeling when you are caring for people who are suffering? How do you think God feels about the suffering and wrong in this world? How do you think we should feel about it? I have been having many episodes of a darker, melancholy mood. In this episode of the podcast I discuss this feeling with that conclusion, this feeling might be the right feeling. This may be the feeling of care.
My conversation with Anthony was intense. Anthony is a combat veteran who served in Iraq and Afghanistan. He lost friends in battle and on this side to suicide. He helped me see what Vets really want and need, how little we really understand why they are different when they return from battle and how their intense commitment to serve needs and equal proportion of commitment from our care to them. His friend and mentor/supporter, Jim, joins us so we can see what this caring relationship looks like. Maybe all caring relationships should have a similar intensity.
Joe Hess came to this week’s conversation with raw emotions from his father’s recent death and the call, earlier the same day, to support a family who just lost their adult child to suicide. But, even though the circumstances were difficult and the intense emotions were sad and dark, there was also the feeling of being where he needed to be in supporting people in their times of greatest need. This is heavy lifting in care ministry. It is meaningful and rewarding beyond measure and this is where Joe wants to be when the need is there. And it often is.
This week Dan takes time to explain why Memorial Day is so special to him, and how we can care for others who continue to grieve on this hallowed National Holiday.
A meal is always a welcome expression of care. It meets a need that comes up at least three times a day. When it tastes good it brings pleasure to the day and when it is enjoyed with others it provides life-building fellowship. In my conversation with Marquise Merriweather, you will hear of meals served to honor a loved one and to help people who are having a hard time. I’ve worked with his crew and the story of this generous ministry will make you feel good and might give you an idea or two.
Often we “exclude” people, who would like to be involved, from our churches. Autism, dementia and other disabilities should not mean people do not fit into ministries. Including them requires intentional effort but not as much as you would think, and the benefits extend to everyone in all of ministry. I am proud to introduce Tori White and Friendship Ministries as she tells her story and describes the expertise and tools they offer to include the disabled.
Where does the grief journey lead? Are there stages that everyone experiences? How do we move forward without forgetting our loved ones? While everyone’s grief journey is personal and unique, there is a process most of us experience. These stages were identified by the late British Psychologist, John Bowlby. My good friend Jason Mueller is back to share his story of grief after losing his nineteen year old son, Austin, to murder. He will help us identify the goal of grieving and Bowlby’s stages of grief.
It is hard to understand the value of Care Ministry because you cannot measure your return on investment and usually, it takes place one on one, behind the scenes, in the uncomfortable place where a need emerges. In this episode a Care Pastor has come to terms with that in his own soul and serves for an audience of one and finds care ministry to be personally rewarding. His stories help the care ministry cause by helping make visible the type of service that is valuable beyond measure.
The picture of my calling was coming into focus. Every life matters, each death is sacred and grief is the most common human experience became defining applications for God’s love and my role in serving Him. Mark Brewer asked me to preach for him on my Main Lessons as A Hospice Chaplain. That sermon is my story and I hope it will help some of you clarify your niche in life and ministry.
Susan’s mother has been gone for 37 years, yet Susan still misses her. Her mother was a wonderful example of being a wife. She was full of wisdom and ideas on raising children, and she was a ready and reliable encourager to Susan. So, when Susan was only 29 and her mother was diagnosed and died from cancer at age 52, Susan had to live with a huge piece of her life missing. In this episode, Susan tells how hard that is, but also demonstrates to live fully blending sorrow and joy while never forgetting her mother.
We can do something about the Mental Health crisis that is affecting our culture. I don’t mean to oversimplify a complex problem. Professional help is often required, but not always and. Even when it is, peer support can help it work better. In this episode I have a conversation with Kimberly Britt, Executive Director of Anchor International, a faith based organization that trains and provides Mental Health resources to help us do something. “I wish this was in every school and every church,” said a young person who received Mental Health Care from an Anchor group.
His condition deteriorated sooner than they expected. It seemed like all at once the question of Hospice came up. Even though it came quickly, this wife sees the value in choosing Hospice care sooner. Within her story there is advice of how to make that decision. It is about living and making the last chapter of life the best it can be.
On this episode, Abigail walks us through the trials and emotions involved with grieving a difficult pregnancy.
Jason fell to his knees when he heard that his nineteen year old son had been shot to death. That began Jason’s, sometimes unbearable, journey of grief. As he tells his story, we also learn about grief and grieving, the importance of talking and the Ministry of the Other Chair.
On this episode of the Who Cares? Podcast, Allan takes on the journey of living with a child who is addicted to drugs and alcohol.
Jim Gilbert is a businessman and former military, and has a heart for those dealing with PTSD. From comrades to his father-in-law he has helped soldiers returning from war deal with their PTSD through one thing... listening. Sometimes that is all we are able to offer, but it is the help most needed when dealing with various trauma.
Rob McPherson works a demanding job in the professional world of Real Estate compliance, and at the same time has dedicated his life to providing 1-1 care for people in the church as a Care Pastor. In this conversation he uses the imagery as “A View from the Rooftop” as he scans the world below for people who need care. Providing this care, helps people feel God’s love and helps them open their lives to Him as their savior and Lord.
Everybody needs to care for other people and everybody needs to learn to care effectively. But why do some people look for opportunities to care? Why do they allow their own tragedies become building blocks to living a life of compassion for others? From the time she was a child, this woman was moved by the needs of others. Hear how the tragedy of her son’s suicide helped her care for others and ask yourself, if God can use your heartbreak to enlarge your compassion. Are you ready to learn how to care better—how to care effectively.
Terrible things happen to even the most together people. Good moms are not safe from bad and tragic events in the lives of their kids. And bright and deeply spiritual people need help and support too. The suicide of a son rocked the world of this mom. Hear how she found comfort, strength and the loving support from another mom who knew how to care effectively. She also knew the pain of a son’s suicide.
Some people are made to make a difference in other people’s lives. They have the heart to do it, the examples to show the value of caring and the convictions that fuels the fire to make a difference through caring. Are you one of those people? Should you make this a priority in your life? How can you position yourself to be ready to care for people when they are in a dark hole?
A cool job is not enough to make one happy when divorce puts you in a deep emotional hole. What does someone in a deep emotional hole need the most? Why is it normal to resist what is most needed? Hear what happens when this musician and sound professional took the chance to share his story with a trusted Stephen Minister. The results will amaze and encourage you. Maybe other men in a dark place will man-up to talking to another man so their lives can experiencing emotional, relational and spiritual healing too.
Is there more to serving people than performing tasks and doing good deeds? Can you make a difference in another person’s life? Is it possible to help someone who is experiencing something you have never experienced at a level darker than any place you have lived? Watch how this man overcame his doubts and questions and learned to walk alongside a man in a dark place. A life was changed and a friendship was begun.
Men think they can solve their own problems. Engineers think they have the power to figure everything out. The male engineer could not find the answers to his dark place in life due to a divorce. All he needed was to talk to someone, but he was reluctant to talk with anyone. He did not want counseling. Watch how he learned to relate in a healthy open one to one relationship that resulted in happier emotions, healthier interpersonal skills and healing in his spirit.
A continuation of Episode 1
Can you help someone when you have needs of your own? Can you help someone if you have junk in your story? Can you care effectively for someone even if you have doubts about your abilities and do not have any training to be a caring professional? Hear how this woman followed the training of Stephen Ministry to learn how to care with presence and listening. Her caring worked when nobody else’s did. Her care changed a life.
What is the best way to care for a mom going through a divorce, who has three teenage children and one who almost succeeds at suicide? The circumstances are overwhelming. She does not know where to turn for help. Emotional exhaustion makes it hard to think. Advice is not the answer. So what is? Hear her tell what she really needed, how she found it and how a person with caring skills helped her through this terrible time
Welcome to this journey of the Who Cares? podcast. Your care matters. People feel better when they know that you care about them—especially in the hard times.
So, “Who cares? Well we all care about people and things to some extent.
But in this podcast, we are here to search for answers to the question, “How can we care better?”
Join us as we sit down with people who received care in their grief, and others who have offered care to people grieving.
This our journey to learn to care better.