Troubleshooting Your Dating and Relationship Mistakes - Evan Marc Katz Blog

I want to challenge that the key to finding love is figuring out your “type.”

It sounds logical. It feels right. And yet, if that approach actually worked, you wouldn’t still be searching. Because here’s the truth no one tells you:

Your type tells you who you’re attracted to.

It doesn’t tell you who’s good at relationships.

If you’re the CEO of your love life, THAT’s what you’re hiring for.

Who is good at being my partner?

That’s where the Big 5 personality traits come in. This is one of the most researched, validated ways to understand how people think, behave, and relate to others.

In other words, it tells you how a man is going to show up when it actually matters.

Let’s talk about what that means in real life.

The first trait is openness.

This is about curiosity and flexibility. A man high in openness is willing to consider new ideas, have real conversations, and grow over time. A man low in openness tends to be rigid, set in his ways, and resistant to change.

If you’ve ever felt like you were dragging a man through emotional conversations while he shut down or dismissed your perspective, you’ve experienced low openness.

You don’t need someone who agrees with you on everything. You need someone who is willing to engage with you.

My wife and I are very different people but we’re both high in openness. Our default is to say “yes” to each others’ requests. You MUST choose a man who says “yes” more than no.

The second trait is conscientiousness.

Conscientiousness is about reliability, responsibility, and follow-through. It’s the difference between a man who says he’ll call and does, and a man who says he’ll call and disappears for three days.

When women tell me they feel anxious in dating, nine times out of ten, they’re dealing with a man who lacks this trait.

I’ve often said that my wife didn’t meet the image I’d built in my mind of my ideal partner. Turns out she didn’t have to. The one thing I know about her is that she’ll ALWAYS do the right thing. She’s honest, ethical, good to the core, and I never have to worry about whether I trust her to do the right thing. Why would ANYONE have a partner they can’t trust?

The third trait is extraversion.

This one is often misunderstood. It’s less about being loud and more about engagement and initiative. A man with healthy extraversion leans in. He asks you out. He expresses interest. He creates momentum.

A man on the low end may be perfectly nice, but he leaves you guessing. You end up doing the emotional labor, initiating plans, wondering where you stand.

Attraction needs movement. Relationships stall when no one is driving.

In my marriage, my wife is very affable, but I’m more extraverted. I’m the one who looks for cool things to do in Los Angeles, makes the reservations, and picks up the check. I’m the one who called my wife every day we were dating – and she never had to call me once.

I don’t judge those who are more passive and content doing nothing; I just think it’s a lot easier to understand the intent of a man who leads your relationship forward.

The fourth trait is agreeableness.

This is about kindness, empathy, and cooperation. A man high in agreeableness is considerate, respectful, and capable of seeing your point of view.

A man low in this trait turns everything into a negotiation or a fight.

If every disagreement feels like a battle, you’re not dealing with a “strong personality.” You’re dealing with someone who lacks the emotional generosity required for a healthy relationship.

I’m thrilled to say I chose a partner whose default setting is to please others – and it’s rubbed off on me over the past 19 years. The best dating advice I can give to men is to say “Yes, dear,” rather than “You’re not the boss of me!”

The fifth trait is emotional stability – a lack of neuroticism.

This might be the most important of all.

Emotional stability is about how someone handles stress, conflict, and uncertainty. A man who is emotionally stable doesn’t spiral, withdraw or lash out when things get hard.

The question isn’t whether challenges will arise. The question is whether he can handle them without making you feel unsafe or misunderstood.

My wife is decidedly less neurotic than I am. I hate that but it’s true. I’m grateful that most of the time, I lead a stress-free life. I’m also conscious of the costs of being with someone on an emotional roller-coaster.

If I could give anyone blanket relationship advice applicable to all sexes: marry someone happy and reasonable. If you choose “unhappy and unreasonable” men, all the chemistry and common interests will not matter.

Now step back and look at what we’ve been taught to prioritize instead. Height. Income. Shared hobbies. Whether he likes dogs. Whether he grew up in the same religion.

These things are easy to see. They’re easy to list on a profile. They’re easy to bond over on a first date. But they tell you almost nothing about how a relationship is going to feel in six months, much less six years.

A man can check every box on your list and still be rigid, inconsistent, passive, combative, and emotionally volatile. A man who doesn’t perfectly match your “type” can be open, reliable, engaged, kind, and steady.

One of those men will give you butterflies. The other will give you peace.

If you want the relationship you deserve, you have to start paying attention to the traits that actually predict that outcome.

If this is hitting a nerve, it should.

Because once you see this, you can’t go back to choosing men the same way.

The only question is what you do with it.

If you’re ready to stop guessing and start choosing better, I invite you to schedule a private consultation with me.

We’ll talk about your patterns, what’s been keeping you stuck, and what it would take to finally create the relationship you deserve.

Love,

Evan

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