Dating, Relationships, and Disability

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Too Busy To Date “I’m just really busy.” How often have you heard this and have also found yourself saying it? About anything? We live in a too busy world. I sometimes find it being my automatic response when people ask how I am. It’s probably very valid. You are busy. Life frequently offers a lot to us. It can be very hard to say no.

But….many times what keeps us busy is not what is most important or will give us the results we really want in our life.

Being "too busy" can be an excuse to avoid dating and potential heartbreak. It felt safe to keep myself occupied and not take the risk of getting hurt. But deep down, I knew I was missing out on meaningful connections and the opportunity for love.

Breaking free from the cycle of using busyness as an excuse It took some self-reflection and a realization that my fear of getting hurt was hindering my chances of finding a fulfilling relationship. I had to prioritize my happiness and make space in my life for dating.

It meant reevaluating my schedule, setting boundaries, and making a conscious effort to carve out time for socializing and meeting new people. It also meant I had to get really honest with myself that I was using being too busy to avoid being vulnerable and getting hurt. However, I was just hurting myself in a different way by isolating myself from love under the guise of a busy calendar.

So, for those who find themselves constantly using busyness as an excuse, what advice would help? The first step is to acknowledge that being busy is a choice we make. We have control over how we manage our time and priorities. It's important to assess what truly matters to us and make room for relationships.

Start by identifying any unnecessary commitments or activities that can be scaled back or eliminated. Delegate tasks if possible, and learn to say no to things that don't align with your priorities. Remember, making time for love is really about putting yourself first and that your desire for love is as important as any other aspect of our lives.

There are many potential fears and concerns that may be driving individuals to use busyness as an excuse. What are some common underlying reasons behind this behavior? One common fear is the fear of vulnerability and getting hurt. Dating requires opening ourselves up to the possibility of rejection or disappointment, which can be scary. Using busyness as an excuse shields us from those potential hurts.

Additionally, some people may have experienced past relationship traumas or have a fear of commitment. These factors can contribute to the desire to stay busy and avoid emotional risks. It’s important to recognize that taking emotional risks is a natural part of dating and finding a meaningful connection. While there are no guarantees, the rewards of love and companionship are worth the vulnerability.

Seek support fro

Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

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Rejection is something many people fear, regardless of their ability or disability. I hesitated to put myself out there and avoided pursuing relationships. It took a toll on my self-esteem and held me back from experiencing the joy of dating. In fact, it stopped me from dating for several years.

It wasn't easy, but I realized that rejection is a part of life for everyone, regardless of ability or disability. I began to acknowledge that rejection hurts, but it doesn't define me. It's a temporary setback, not a permanent label. I started reframing my mindset and focusing on my strengths and what I have to offer in a relationship.

It's essential to recognize that rejection is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Everyone faces rejection at some point in their lives, and it doesn't diminish their value.

It’s important to surround yourself with supportive friends and a community that understands and appreciates you. They can provide the encouragement and reassurance you need during challenging times.

How can you maintain a positive attitude and not let it hinder your dating journey?

Self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend going through a similar situation. Remember that rejection is often a result of compatibility issues or personal circumstances, rather than a reflection of your worthiness of love. Embrace the rejection as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement. Additionally, focus on your accomplishments and the positive aspects of your life. Celebrating those successes will remind you of your value and boost your confidence.

Now, let's discuss the importance of effective communication when faced with rejection. What role does it play in maintaining healthy relationships?

Communication is vital, both in expressing our feelings and in understanding the feelings of others. When faced with rejection, it's essential to have open and honest conversations with the other person involved. This helps to gain clarity and closure, allowing both individuals to move forward and learn from the experience. It's also important to remember that rejection can be an opportunity to reassess our preferences and priorities, ensuring that we are seeking compatible relationships.

Remember that rejection is a part of life's journey for everyone. It's not unique to you. Embrace the fact that rejection can be a stepping stone toward finding the right person. Allow yourself to grow from these experiences

and keep an open heart. The right person will appreciate and love you for who you are, disability and all. Don't let rejection define your dating journey or limit your possibilities for happiness.

The Rejection Survival GuideDownload The Rejection Survival Guide to see rejection in a new way so that it doe

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Today we'll be discussing the importance of doing a belief audit to improve self-esteem and confidence when it comes to dating.

We'll be diving into the importance of doing a belief audit and how it can positively impact your love life. But before we jump in, let's define what a thought audit actually is.

A belief audit, also known as a thought audit, is the process of examining and evaluating the thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves. It involves questioning and challenging the beliefs we have internalized over time, especially those that may be negative, self-limiting, or hindering our progress in any aspect of life, including dating.

Beliefs are like the lenses through which we view the world. They shape our perception of ourselves, others, and the possibilities that lie ahead. When it comes to dating, our beliefs about our worth, attractiveness, and abilities can significantly impact our self-esteem and confidence. Many people with disabilities have faced societal misconceptions and stereotypes, leading to self-doubt and limited belief systems.

Our beliefs can either propel us forward or hold us back. They can influence how we present ourselves, engage with others, and ultimately, affect the outcomes we experience in our dating lives. So why is it important to conduct a belief audit?

Doing a belief audit is a powerful tool for improving self-esteem and confidence when it comes to dating with a disability. By examining our negative beliefs and challenging them, we can develop a more positive self-image and become more resilient in the face of rejection and other challenges.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I’m going to challenge you to take 30 minutes within the next 48 hours to do a belief audit. You can download the Five Beliefs to Successful Dating guide to help you with looking at key areas to strengthen your beliefs in yourself for dating.

Resources

Episode on the Power to Attract.

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If you have been listening to me or following me for any length of time, you know that what I want most for people is to have success in dating and relationships. I see the mission of my life’s work to move the needle so that people with disabilities or the disabled, whichever you prefer, are more easily viewed and accepted as dating and relationship partners.

That’s why we now have the Dating Made Easier membership for people to give people skills and support to make dating more easy and enjoyable, while helping you get the results you’ve been longing for.

Many times when we think about achieving a goal, we think about all the things we need to do in order to have success. And yes with dating there are a lot of thing you have to do like working up the courage to put yourself out there, work on your own belief about what you deserve, and figure out exactly how your going to meet people.

But sometimes when we’re pursuing a goal, the things we stop doing can get us to success even quicker. I was reflecting on this in my own life and realized there were five clear things I stopped doing that directly led to my version of ultimate dating success, meeting my husband.

Check out Episode 1 for our first date story.

Here are the five things I stopped doing:

I stopped being open to long distance relationships and narrowed the radius of the location of my potential matches.
I stopped thinking younger men would not be interested in me.
I stopped believing that someone’s discomfort with my disability was about me and .withdrawing because of someone’s discomfort with me.
I stopped giving in to thoughts that would not serve me in the moment
I stopped refusing to take risks to say what I really felt.

What might you need to stop doing in order to get the dating success you’ve been longing for? Are there things you’re doing that you know in your heart of hearts is holding you back from the love and belonging you know you deserve?

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Many people will not try online dating or maybe tried it at one time, had a bad experience or no experience, meaning no results, and will not try it again. While I will always say, you need to do you and decide what’s best for you, there’s no denying that online dating can be successful for many. According to a 2019 study, around 39% of straight couples and 65% of same-sex couples meet online.

I want to encourage you, especially if you’re having trouble meeting people, to consider changing up what you do in trying to get out there and date. This may include trying new ways to meet people in order to allow new people into your world.

Sometimes when you’re not meeting new people in your circles, online dating can be that path that opens you up to new possibilities.

Ah, but then there’s the safety factor. I wholeheartedly agree and years ago when I was single and online dating was very new, it took me a long time to warm up to the idea of meeting someone through a computer (these were the days before we even knew what an app was).

When it comes to dating, safety and happiness go hand in hand. I don’t think this topic gets talked about enough but in order to enjoy dating, feel good about yourself and be confident, you need to feel safe. The good news is you have a lot of control around how safe you feel.

Listen to the show for 10 online dating safety tips.

It’s so important to feel safe and happy while dating, and encourage your audience to prioritize their own well-being when pursuing romantic relationships.

If you find you need a little more support in this area, check out our Do I Feel Safe guide to help you determine your level of safety in relationships.

Episode 14 on Dating Apps and Safety

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Dating skills are so important for all people, but especially people with disabilities.

That's why RADIANT ABILITIES IS COMMITTED TO HELPING PEOPLE, BOTH WITH AND WITHOUT DISABILITIES, TO MAKE DATING AND DEVELOPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS EASIER.

When addressing issues surrounding dating and relationships with parents and support staff, collaboration can be difficult and challenging. Some parents or support staff may feel uncomfortable addressing dating and relationships due to a variety of reasons: safety concerns, discomfort, lack of resources, or general unfamiliarity with dating and relationships.

AND IT’S ALL OKAY, BECAUSE IT’S A PROCESS.

We need to ACKNOWLEDGE STIGMA SURROUNDING DISABILITY, INTIMACY, AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Stigma can create barriers and challenges for people with disabilities in relationships due to potential barriers due to lack of education/resources on healthy relationships and lack of support, not promoting dating and relationships for PWDs can result in issues/conflict, abuse/assault, unhealthy relationships, and safety issues.

We need to educate parents/staff on the stigma surrounding disability and intimacy and how it can create barriers for people with disabilities and increase the likelihood of abuse/assault if not addressed.

The main goal in supporting people with disabilities in dating and relationships is to help them develop a healthy support network by…TEACHING DATING AND RELATIONSHIP SKILLS.

Importance of self esteem and confidence as key tools for happy and safe dating through developing positive core beliefs about oneself. A core belief is a thought you have about yourself that shapes most of your words, actions, thoughts, and feelings. Developing healthy, positive core beliefs about yourself builds a solid foundation that leads to successful dating and relationships.

Why Confidence is So Important

People with disabilities can often feel like they’re not attractive enough due to the differences caused by their disability.

Your sense of attraction is another core belief about yourself.

You attract others because of much more than your looks.

You attract people to you because of your inner qualities - your personality, how you treat others, your perspective on the world, etc.

Self Esteem and Confidence

Help a person develop a strong sense of boundaries and understanding of personal values.

Next week we'll address safety skills.

ResourcesSTRATEGIES FOR SUCCESSFUL DATING

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There are some real scary statistics out there about the high rate of sexual assaults on people with disabilities. While they should be discuss every day as a means of figuring out how to bring down this horrendous number, April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, is a good time to do so.

In 2017 the US Justice Department came out with a report that said someone especially with an intellectual disability is seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted than someone without a disability. Seven times! Sadly, the DOJ didn’t even find this alarming statistic worthy of a published report. Says something about DOJ’s value on people with disabilities, doesn’t it?

The following conversation is still embedded in my brain and continues to haunt me in my work in sexuality and disability.

“Kelly’s telling me she has a boyfriend,” Lisa began. I supervised Lisa in a one to one service that got people out into the community.

Normally this would be something to celebrate, but it wasn’t.

“And that it’s her next door neighbor,” Lisa continued. She knew that Kelly’s neighbor was about 20 years older than her, married, with kids.

Kelly was in her early 20s and lived with an intellectual disability. Lisa went on to say, “Kelly tells me they’re having sex.”

In the midst of investigating what was happening, interviewing Kelly several, and having her examined by a doctor, it was concluded that Kelly’s neighbor had befriended her, groomed her, and eventually lured her to his basement to have sex with her one weekend while his wife and kids were away for the weekend.

ResourcesStatistics on Sexual Assault and Disability

NPR's Abused and Betrayed Series

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for family members, special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

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How to Solve the Dating and Relationship Puzzle

Why Dating Apps Are Not Working and What to Do Instead*?

Nichole Hastings is Coordinator of Self-Advocacy & Community Engagement Westchester Institute for Human Development (WIHD) and is the Vice president of the Hear Our Voices Self-Advocacy Group And a current Trainee in the LEND programs with WIHD.

Nichole Hastings is a pioneer in every sense of the word. Nichole lives independently with her roommate rural Central New York and will be the first to tell you that “I can’t” is not in her vocabulary.

She graduated from her High School in 2002 and then continued her education attending classes at Cazenovia College. She volunteers with the Development & Communications Department at The Arc of Madison Cortland and serves on several committees and boards.

Once Nichole puts her mind to something there isn’t anything she can’t do. In fact, the following year she propelled her adaptive bike with her hands and arms and rode the 2017 Marine Coors Historical Half in Fredericksburg, Virginia finishing the 13.1 mile race in 4 hours and 11 minutes.

She has presented at several conferences around the United States and credits the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) for providing changes that help her live an active and fulfilling life. As a person with disabilities the ADA has allowed her to access her community to the fullest and independently use her power wheelchair.

Nichole has spent many years directing her own services and advocating for herself and for others.

In this interview we discuss Nicole's 16 year relationship with her partner and the devastating emotional impact that US governmental benefits have on the disabled.

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How to Solve the Dating and Relationship Puzzle

Why Dating Apps Are Not Working and What to Do Instead*?

Today I want to step back and have a “bigger picture” look at dating and relationships and talk about why we date. Now, of course, we all have our individual answers for that. But I think in the grand scheme of things, most of our answers come down to wanting love - to both give it and receive it. I believe that love makes the journey of life, with all its complexities and challenges, way more easy. For me, it’s like having a team mate who’s always there with you through the good and the bad.

When you’re in the thick of dating, putting yourself out there, and facing rejection - or worse, no one giving you a chance - it can be easy to say, screw it, it’s not worth the trouble or the heartache. That’s why we need moments to remember why we date and why we continue to pursue that sometimes elusive experience of loving and being loved. And why we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, heartbreak, and disappointment.

So why do we do it?

Love is a powerful emotion that can make us feel alive, happy, and fulfilled.

Love is one of the most fundamental human needs. We all crave love, affection, and connection. It’s what makes us feel alive and gives us a sense of purpose. When we love, we experience a deep sense of joy, fulfillment, and meaning in our lives.

For some of you listening, what I’m talking about may feel like something you’ve been dreaming of for years, but for one reason or another, it feels out of your hands. You’re tempted to give up and say it’s not worth it.

The key is to approach love with intention, mindfulness, and self-awareness. Before we jump into a new relationship, we need to be clear about our own needs, wants, and values. We need to communicate honestly and openly with our partner about our expectations, boundaries, and goals. We also need to be willing to take things slow, to build trust gradually, and to be patient with the process.

For those who have been hurt before, it’s important to take the time to heal and process those experiences. This might involve therapy, self-reflection, or spending time with supportive friends and family. It’s also important to let go of any lingering bitterness, anger, or resentment towards past partners. When we hold onto these negative emotions, we prevent ourselves from being fully open and present in new relationships. Finally, we need to trust ourselves and our instincts. We need to listen to our intuition and choose partners who align with our values, needs, and desires.

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Sonya Rio-Glick (she/her) is a queer and disabled Disability Justice practitioner, organizational leader, writer, and cultural worker based in Atlanta. Raised by two moms in Upstate NY, Sonya has contended with complex social justice issues her entire life.

In 2013, she began providing disability etiquette and accessibility workshops at COLAGE, the largest support network for people with LGBTQ+ parents & caregivers in the US, which spearheaded a career in social change: in 2015 Sonya released a full length documentary on disability The Souls of our Feet, and would go on to reform fire evacuation policy for students at Purchase College, SUNY, where she would graduate with a BA in Arts Management.

Since graduating, Sonya has danced, choreographed, and facilitated trainings on a range of social-political issues across the US. Notably, she produced the Dance Poem Waves With Nowhere To Go in 2022, and is the former Co-Executive Director of Dance for All Bodies.

Recently Sonya had the honor of supporting Stacey Abrams' 2022 gubernatorial campaign in a Disability Engagement & Accessibility capacity, and is pursuing graduate studies in Social Justice at Harvard University. She dreams of a world that integrates principles of Disability Justice- find out more about Sonya's work at www.sonyarioglick.com.

Resources
How you can connect with Sonya:

Instagram

Website

Waves With Nowhere To Go(English)

Waves With Nowhere To Go(Spanish)

I'm Sexy and Disabled: Now What?

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Marco, 36, loves everything to do with cars and working out. His relationship with Dana is my second serious relationship ever.

Dana, 44, has three children, and has a property manager for ten years. She now works for the New York state housing authority. She never dated someone with a disability before meeting Marco.

They chat with me about meeting on a dating app, Dana getting to know how to support Marco, deciding to live together because they were long distanced, and the unfortunate resistance they have faced from Marco's family.

They also share some sage advice about getting out there, taking a risk, and possibly falling in love.

Resources
Marco's email - marcogallo1986@aol.com

Dana's email - danaapreston@icloud.com

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“Joey” Pagano, a Central New York-based journalist, columnist, and writer. He recently obtained my masters degree in Cultural Foundations of Education and certificate of advanced study in Disability Studies from Syracuse University’s School of Education. He graduated from Syracuse’s S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications in May 2021, one year early, and am pursuing a career in journalism and politics. Currently a research assistant at SU’s Burton Blatt Institute and a legislative correspondent in the office of New York State Senator John W. Mannion, he is seeking freelance opportunities.

Since graduating, he's been a guest columnist for Syracuse.com/The Post Standard, writing columns on a variety of topics. He also written for Yahoo Life and contributed to work at Syracuse’s Center on Disability and Inclusion.” (Website: wheelchairqb.com)

We chat about:

His experience in dating, relationships, and disabilities.
The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.
As a person who communicates in alternative ways, how that poses particular challenges or possibly advantages when it comes to dating.
The challenges he needs to consider n dating regarding needing help with the logistics of a date, such as getting there, but then naturally, wanting privacy once you’re with your date.
Why he sometimes wonder if dating is worth the effort.
How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
The most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Follow Joey on Instagram

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Today I want to focus on transitional behavior change in dating. In this episode, we will be discussing how to change your behavior in small ways to get the results in dating and relationships that you want. Whether you're moving from casual dating to a committed relationship or just trying to work up the courage to put yourself out there, these transitions can be challenging, and changing your behavior can be even more difficult.

To start, it's essential to understand that transitional behavior change requires self-awareness and intentionality. You have to be aware of the behaviors that no longer serve you and intentional about changing them. It's also essential to remember that these changes won't happen overnight. It takes time and effort to make significant changes in behavior.

When it comes to the behavior changes required so that you can put yourself out there, that even more challenging. That’s why you want to begin with small steps like maybe just reading a book or an article on dating. Maybe you join a free dating site or app to just get used to it. Maybe you tell one friend you’re thinking of dating and ask if they know anyone that may be a good match for you.

The key is you begin to take action to develop new behaviors that will lead to you being more open and available to meet potential dates. I recently heard someone talk about transitional behavior change when she began losing 100 pounds. Now losing 100 pounds feels like a monumental task. This woman began by just walking 15 minutes a day. 15 minutes is very doable. Many of you don’t know I wrote a book several years ago called Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities. It took me several years to write and I finally finished it by beginning to write 15 minutes a day.

So if you’re having a hard time getting going with dating, what can you do in 15 minutes a day to make progress?

In conclusion, transitional behavior change in dating requires self-awareness, intentionality, and effort. Whether you're transitioning from casual dating to a committed relationship or from a long-term relationship to being single, the key is to be open to change and willing to do the work. Remember that change won't happen overnight, and it's essential to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. With the right mindset and commitment, you can successfully navigate these transitions and create a dating life that aligns with your values.

ResourcesDating Made Easier membership

Kathy's book - Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities

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I'm sharing a Q & A session from the dating presentation in Episode 72 I gave to the Myositis Association. Malati Marlene Shinazy from the Myostis community dropped a wisdom bomb on the best question - and the only question - you should ask on a first date.We also talk about:

Ableism in dating
The Promotional Self versus the Real Self in Dating
How to disclose a disability
Sex versus intimacy

Resources

Free download: How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability Check out our Dating Memberships:Check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships.

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Listen to a live workshop I gave to the Myositis Association. You'll hear the three essentials to dating with a disability. The simple breakdown is:

Beliefs - You have to have a positive belief system about yourself, your disability, and your potential for dating.
A Dating Plan - A lot of people want to date, dream about it, hope for it, but don't really plan for it. You need a plan for how you're going to turn your DESIRES INTO ACTIONS.
Support - Dating is hard for anyone! You need support. Who are the people who you can turn to listen to you, encourage you, and help you problem solve?

Listen to how I break it down in a simple format in just a few minutes.

Get the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workbook here.

If you feel you could use support on any or all three of these essentials, check out all the support and resources you get in the Dating Made Easier membership to help you get the results you need. You get a ton of support for just $29 a month! :)

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For Valentine's Day, I wanted to share a story of a couple living out dating, relationships, and disability. Victoria is a 32 year old woman who was born prematurely with an official diagnosis of spastic diplegia cerebral palsy within her first year. She is a full-time wheelchair user - college educated with a degree in Spanish.

Sean is a science writer, maker, cat dad, and halfway decent baker. Originally from Connecticut, he has lived in Knoxville, TN since 2014. He enjoys gaming, comedy, and sci-fi and fantasy, or “nerd stuff,” as Victoria calls it.

In this interview they share how they met on Tinder, their first date, and how they have brought Victoria's disability into their relationship. They also discuss:

What do you think are the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?Victoria: ABLEISM! Internal, sure. But especially external/societal.

I’ve lost count of the number of times the question “can you have sex?”is the first thing a Tinder match would ask. Yes, especially for those of us with physical disabilities, our differences and challenges and limitations might be immediately apparent, but trust me, there’s so much more beneath the surface!

Sean: On the partner side, I had to learn to think about every aspect of an activity or outing through the lens of disability and accessibility. You have to put yourself in your partner’s place and consider more factors that just don’t affect non-disabled people in the same way, like adjusting travel times, accounting for crowds, and researching a place’s accessibility ahead of time.

How do you think society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners?Victoria: I’ll echo Sean’s sentiment. Interabled couple representation in the media isn’t the missing piece of the puzzle, so to speak, but it means a hell of a lot.

Sean: Representation of interabled couples in the media would definitely be a step. Normalizing disabled romance and affection in public so people’s default thought when seeing an interabled couple is not “that’s their caregiver”

What do you think is the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships?Victoria: Learn about yourself. Learn about your wants and your needs and your values. Learn about your attachment style. Therapy is a great place to do this work, if you are fortunate enough to have access to it.

The more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to determine what you’re looking for in a partner. Show your partner what you’ve learned, be curious about what they’re learning. See if they're willing and able to learn and grow alongside you.

Resources

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This year we're aiming to make dating EASIER for you. Join us for lunch of Valentine's Day, bring a question or dating dilemma you're dealing with, and let us share some solutions with you.

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“Consult your own heart and decide what kind of person you want to be,”
-Chris Lowney, Heroic Living

Often when we’re dating and not getting the results we want, ie, not getting dates or people even looking at our profile, it can get pretty discouraging. That discouragement can certainly intensify the loneliness and frustration you feel about dating. This may cause you to think, What else can I be doing or what am I doing wrong? I remember thinking this a lot when I was single and trying to date.

I was so wrong and I think that my approach of focusing on what they wanted kept me feeling like I was hitting a brick wall. Putting so much energy into figuring out what others wanted left me not being my authentic self. One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is the more authentic you are, the more you draw the right people for you, the people who really get and understand you. Sure, some people won’t like you but they’re not your people and you need to trust that being with them would ultimately make you miserable.

There’s an important question you can ask yourself to help you put the focus back on you when it comes to dating. I mentioned it in Episode 66 when I reviewed Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier. The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question. For me, I wanted to be someone who unapologetically accepted myself and my disability in the dating scene. You see, I felt like I had already done that in all areas of my life except in dating. I wanted to be able to address issues related to my disability without worrying that it was this big obstacle that potential dates could not work through. I wanted to feel more confident in what I could offer as a partner and focus on that.

I also made another decision that made all the difference. I decided to enjoy dating rather than dreading the whole process of putting myself out there and meeting new people, which is what I did until then. As you can imagine, this changed the energy I brought to dating. By staying inside my own head and focusing on the person I wanted to be in the dating scene, dating did become easier for me. And within just a couple months, I met my husband.

I encourage you to really think on this: Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Come up with just 3-5 adjectives or phrases you can focus on such as confident, secure, owning my disability, open, relaxed. Then really allow your words to roll around in your brain and being. Embody them. Become them. Remember we’re always evolving into the person we’re meant to be, so just because you haven’t been

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If you saw the title of this podcast and thought, Wait a minute, you’re always saying how you need dating confidence. And while i still agree with this, I think one of the ways we grow the most in life is to consider different alternatives to looking at our own ideas so they're not etched in stone. I recently read a great book that i was actually asked to review before it’s published. It will be out on February 23. It’s a business book called Two Weeks Notice by Amy Porterfield, who has been an online teacher of mine for several years now. The book is great one for giving you a framework for beginning your own business or side hustle.

And as a side note - I will actually begin connecting this to dating in a second - but even though employment is not my area of expertise in the disability field, I’m a huge proponent of people with disabilities beginning their own businesses and dictating their own career path. And to be honest, a lot of why I feel so strongly about this is because there’s so much employment discrimination to deal with even once you’re given a position. So I say, screw it, forge your own path to success and money.

Okay, I’ll get back in my lane and return to talking about dating…

In the book, Amy distinguishes courage from confidence with this statement: “Courage is something you choose. Confidence is something you earn.” She goes on to explain courage starts when you begin to have the desire for something, although you’re uncertain about how or even if you’ll get it. Courage is also present even when you have no proof of succeeding at something in the past.

Confidence is then the outcome of courageous acts and what you gain over time. To put this in the dating context, you need courage for example to go on a dating app and put your profile up. Confidence will develop as you begin to feel more comfortable and talking with others on the app.

Courage is driven by your desire for something - wanting to share your life with someone, not wanting to feeling lonely, longing to be loved, wanting to be accepted and seen. A number of things could be driving your courage even when you don’t feel confident.

What is vital is that you honor that desire within yourself and choose to pursue it, even though you feel insecure and unsure how to go about doing so. Remember if you don’t honor your dreams and desires, who will?

If you want support in gathering your courage and gaining confidence, check out the brand new Dating Made Easier monthly membership, where you’ll get support for figuring out the dating puzzle and learn skills to make it way easier and enjoyable. Check out the link in the show notes.

Yes, you heard it from me. If you don’t feel confident in dating, no worries. You just need a little bit of courage. You got this, my friend.

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Today is a big day at my company, Radiant Abilities, because we’re taking a deeper dive into our mission of helping “move the needle” on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners.

As I have mentioned previously on past shows, we spent most of last year researching what people with disabilities were experiencing when it came to dating. Here are some highlights we learned:

72% of the people with disabilities interviewed rank dating and relationships as either Very Important or Important in their life.
Most reported the following challenges they encounter when dating: not finding online dating successful, not meeting the right type of person, being unsure how to effectively communicate about their disability, and lacking confidence in the dating scene.
64% of the people with disabilities interviewed reported a desire for ongoing training and support to learn skills in communication, healthy boundaries, increase confidence, and coping with ableism.

We wanted to create a space in which people trying to date and develop healthy relationships, to work on skills such as confidence and communication in a supportive learning community. While we are certainly known for helping people with disabilities, our new membership, Dating Made Easier, is open to all people, with and without disabilities. This is because inclusion is one of our core values and two, so many times over the years, people have said to me how work really applies to all people.

Now on the professional side, we are also opening Supporting Dating and Relationships membership. Last year we interviewed over 100 professionals in disability services.

Here are some of the key findings from talking with them:

87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.
93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up.
A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges
These same professionals tend to go to “Expert Resources” in dating and relationships while online and find them helpful 100% of the time.
Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

I realize, though, that many professionals have a strong desire to do this but don’t feel they have enough training and adequate resources to do so, especially when it comes to helping someone with dating skills.

We are hosting free informational workshops this week and next.

Links to sign up for the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workshop:

January 24, 11:00am EST

January 25, 6:00pm EST

January 30, 2:00pm EST

Links to sign up for Effectively Supporting Dating and Relationships for People with Disabilities workshop:

January 25, 11:00am EST OR January 31, 12:00pm EST.

Links to learn more about the memberships:

Dating Made Easier membership

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership

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Before we begin, I want to invite you to a free workshop next week. We’re actually offering two. The first is for people wanting to date, called Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier. In this workshop, you’ll learn how to take overwhelm and frustration out of dating. You’ll learn how to do this by focusing on increasing your dating self esteem, having a dating plan, and follow through. The workshop will be offered at a couple times. Sign up here.

The second workshop is for professionals, particularly those with people with disabilities. Effectively Supporting Dating and Professionals will lay out a framework for supporting people in developing skills for successful dating and healthy relationships. You can sign up here.

Have you considered what’s possible for you in dating and relationships? Often when we have a dream, our brains tend to focus on the barriers or limits to reaching that dream. That’s our brain being primitive and trying to protect us from harm or disappointment. When we begin to think about possibilities in our life that bring some level of risk, like dating, our brains think about what can go wrong as a way of trying to minimize the harm we may experience. The problem with this is it can keep us stuck in limited beliefs.

The Possibility Formula

There’s an incredible life coach I follow, Brooke Castillo, who uses what she calls the Possibility Formula in her teaching. She describes the formula as “working really diligently on is helping people reinvent their personal truths. Uncovering their limiting belief, the things that they’re using to limit themselves, and helping them release those things so they can see beyond what they thought possible for themselves.”

To break this down, the way you come up with a possibility formula for yourself is to look at the goal or dream of what you want to achieve. Then look at the limiting beliefs you have about yourself in achieving that goal or dream. So for dating, the goal may be you want to find a partner, but the limiting belief is that you believe people won’t even give you the chance, maybe because you feel they don’t see beyond your disability.

That’s the limiting belief that is holding you back from the possibilities of a partner. This is where you need to ask yourself is this belief helping me create the possibilities I want or blocking them?

You then do the work on releasing the limiting belief. Maybe that no one gives me a chance becomes there’s someone out there who would love to meet me.

I want you to think about how you can lean into possibilities. By this I mean entertaining the thought that something, such as one person being out there who would love to meet you, being possible. This is enough to begin to open your mind to a possibility and begin to loosen that limiting belief.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I invite you to consider what is your Possibility Formula for dating and relationships. Where can you begin to challenge a limiting belief you have about yourself when it comes to dating and relationships? Remember sign up for the Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier workshop. You can be sure we’ll be touching upon limiting beliefs.

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Did you know that January 8, which was just two days ago if you’re listening live to this podcast, is the “best” day of the year to be doing online dating? The theory behind this is its due to the combination of New Year’s resolutions and the large number of post holiday break ups that drive people to online dating sites. Apparently, right about now is an optimal time to be online dating because the selection of prospects of dates is higher than usual.

However, that’s not at all intended to imply that your prospects are dismal the rest of the year. But you may be thinking, Ugh, online dating, do I really want to do that? For years and I mean years, I felt the same way, despite watching a close friend get on a dating site in the very early days of online dating and eventually meet her husband. At that time in my head, online dating felt like a “phony” way to meet people.

But here’s the catch - I wasn’t meeting many people offline either

Whether you’re doing online or offline dating, I want to talk to you about three essentials that help when you’re dating. In my most recent work in the area of dating and relationships, I’ve been asking people about what does not work for them. Many interestingly reported that online dating does not work and it further discourages them from dating altogether. This is because it’s hard to continually put yourself out there and face rejection.

Essential #1 - Dating Self Esteem and Confidence

That’s where I believe Dating Essential #1 comes in: Dating Self Esteem and Confidence. You may feel overall good about yourself and confident in your life, But what about when you have to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way and risk rejection, like in dating? It IS scary because there is a good probability that you may be rejected. And rejection hurts and can do a number on your self esteem and confidence.

But how do you do that? It begins with a MINDSET that builds your dating self esteem and confidence. Who is the person you want to be when you’re out there dating? Think about this for a minute because it’s an important question.

The answer to this question transformed me from feeling insecure and awkward in dating to relaxing into the truth of who I was.

Essential #2 - A Plan, Not Just Hope

How are you going to turn your actions into desires?

Often the things we want the most in life require a lot of work. It is the most in life require a lot of work. Even when we fail.

What is your plan for being consistent about getting out there and meeting people? Where will you meet people? Online? In person? Where are you most comfortable meeting people?

And equally important, where can you reach out of your comfort zone in order to meet people? This is where Essential #2 leads to Essential #3.

Essential #3 - Follow Through and Support

You need at least 1-3 people you trust who can hold your dream for you and remind you of it when you’re discouraged and want to give up.

I’s hard to go it alone and keep trying to build yourself up.

You need people who can remind you of all your positive traits.

And you need people you can problem solve with because dating is hard.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I have a free workshop coming up at the end of January on The Three Essentials to Make Dating Easier. Sign up here to be notified of the times of the workshop and chose which time works for you. In this workshop, you’ll learn how by focusing on these three essentials, dating will become a lot less overwhelming, easier, and you’ll feel better about yourself in the process.

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This is going to be a slightly different episode today. Usually most of the episodes are geared toward people with disabilities and providing dating advice and strategies. Today, I want to turn the attention to professionals who work in disability services, whether you’re a special educator, program coordinator, direct service provider, or executive director. My mission and the mission of my company, Radiant Abilities, is to “move the needle” as I call it so that people with disabilities are more readily seen as dating and relationship partners.

In order to do this, I believe the work in changing the dating scene is not only up to people with disabilities but also the professionals within the field. For years, as I built my business, I worked myself in the disability field in various positions ranging from program coordinator of direct service to Medicaid service coordinator to community integration counselor. I have to say, I would very infrequently see services and goals include dating and relationships, even though that was one of the most meaningful goals for many people I have worked with.

I think the main reason this is not addressed as much as it should be is that professionals themselves aren’t sure how to go about assisting someone with solving the dating and relationships puzzle. Last year we here at Radiant Abilities undertook the tasks of interviewing over 100 professionals in disability services throughout the United States.

Here’s some highlights of what we learned:

87% of professionals interviewed rank dating and relationships with PWDs as important all the time or important when it comes up.
93% who are concerned about social issues rank it either important all the time or important when it comes up.
A third of professionals identified dating as one of biggest challenges
Aside from the above statistic, professionals report that resources for dating and relationships are not working 75% of the time.

The Solution

We’re launching at the end of January, the Supporting Dating and Relationships membership for professionals. Last week we announced a membership for individuals, with and without disabilities, to teach dating and relationship skills. We are also launching a membership for professionals in teaching and supporting professionals in how to effectively address and foster these skills in the people they work with.

A Look Inside

For professionals who join the membership, which is a monthly membership in which every month you get new resources and ongoing support, you get our complete curriculum on supporting dating and relationship skills for people with disabilities. The curriculum includes 16 video lessons, accompanying worksheets, discussion guides, and other resources. You get instant access to that as soon as you join.

Then because so many of the professionals we interviewed mentioned wanting and needing ongoing support in this area, the monthly membership will include the following:
Workshop/Training of the Month
Group brainstorming session.
Additional resource guide or worksheet
Deep-dive into an element of the curriculum with Q & A.
“Ask Alexa (and Kathy)” - members can email or through the site us direct questions
Facebook group - this is only for members to share ideas and network with each other
All workshops, brainstorming sessions, and video tutorials are added for on demand access.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Free informational workshops will be happening in late January. Sign up here to get on the list.

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We're going to make dating easier in 2023! Coming in late January, Dating Made Easier, a monthly membership that will teach you dating and relationship skills that will transform you and your dating journey in the following areas:

Increase Dating Self Esteem - Learn how to identify your unique Power to Attract the dating experiences and relationships you want.

Grow Your Confidence - Develop confidence and achieve your specific dating and relationship goals.

Learn Skills to Keep Relationships - Gain the skills in communication, problem solving, and being authentic in relationships.

Here's what you get with the Dating Made Easier Membership:

Workshop of the Month - 30-40 minute live presentation on a dating and relationship skill or issue.
Group brainstorming session to address questions people are having about specific dating and relationship challenges.
Additional resource guide of the month released with a live video tutorial to accompany it.
Networking meeting for group members to get to know one another and work on communication skills.
Bonus Week 5 of the Month - Group members will vote for their preference at the beginning of the month for an additional workshop, brainstorming session, or networking meeting.

Additional Features:

“Ask Alexa (and Kathy)” - members can email or through the site us direct questions
Facebook group - this is only for members to social share with each other
All workshops, brainstorming sessions, and video tutorials will be recorded and added into a video library on the site.

Cost: $29/month or $290/annually

Premium Features: For $179/month, members get all the above issues and two individual, 45 minute consulting a month.

FAQs:

Workshops and all meetings are in a group format. They are offered live to maximize interaction and answer specific questions. Everything is recorded for on demand viewing.
There's an option to purchase a premium membership and receive one-on-one coaching.
Results are based on you and that’s great news because you’re the only one that can get out there and meet the person you’ve been longing to meet. We can certainly help give you the skills and support to make that EASIER and to help you feel less alone in the journey.
You can cancel the membership at any time before the 25th of each month for the following month.

The membership will be run by myself and my colleague, Alexa Strickland.

Kathy has 25 years of experience working as a mental health counselor on dating and relationships skills. She created the Dating and Healthy Relationships curriculum, an online course and hosts the weekly podcast on dating. Kathy transformed from a struggling single to happily married.

Alexa is a counselor and trainer in dating and relationships. She works with people to find love and acceptance within themselves and in their relationships. Alexa is also a researcher on ableism and the barriers it can create in forming healthy relationships.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Beginning in late January, we’ll be offering free informational workshops that will get you started with the skills to make dating easier and to fill you in on what the membership can do for you. Sign up here to be notified of the dates and times of workshops.

And if you’re a professional in the disability field, hang on for next week because guess what? We have a membership for you too! Details next week.

Interview with Alexa

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There are a lot of hard parts of dating - having the courage to put yourself out there, facing the possibility of rejection, getting hurt, having difficult conversations, and the list can go on and on. Sometimes it certainly may not feel worth it, but it is, especially if you want to share your life with someone.

Today I want to talk about a dating difficulty that wasn’t on that brief list - putting yourself out there and receiving no response at all. It’s a rejection but not a direct one. It can sometimes feel worse than a direct one because you think, What, I’m not even worthy of a response?This is a very common problem for all people dating. Many people don’t have the skills to communicate hard things like “Thank you so much for the offer, but I have other plans or I’m not interested.” We think we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but downright ignoring someone’s interest in you is not exactly kind either

How To Handle No ResponseAs I see it, there are basically two ways to respond to no response. You can obviously do nothing about it. Let it go. Write it off. Move on. The key in all this is to not internalize it as rejection. You have no concrete reason why they didn’t respond so don’t make it something negative about you. If they don’t have effective communication skills, that’s on them, not you. Don’t use no response against yourself.

Remind yourself it’s their loss. Congratulate yourself that it was terrific that you put yourself out there and took a risk. Also remember as with most things in life, the more you get a no, the closer you get to a yes.

The alternative to not saying anything to someone not responding to you at all is, of course, to say something. Circle back. Say, “Hey, I mentioned us doing XYZ and never heard from you. Could you tell me what’s going on?”

Yes, this is a more bold option. But if it’s calling to you to not ignore a no response, then go for it. I would just recommend doing it in a more matter of fact way and not an emotional way. If you do react emotionally rather than try to have a conversation, you may prove to the person why they didn’t respond to your invite. Also with this option, don’t internalize what the other person says. Remember, there’s another way of looking at rejection. Rejection is simply someone else’s preference. It’s not about you, who you are, or what you’re about.

Where Do We Go From Here?It’s not fun to work up the courage to reach out to someone and express interest, only to receive no response or follow up. But what else are you going to do? You have to put yourself out there if you have that dream in your heart about finding your person. Putting yourself out there is how you do that.

Keep doing it. Keep showing up for yourself, not them. If you don’t get a response to asking someone out, decide if you’re going to let it go or say. Either way, though, don’t use it against yourself or to hold you back from your dreams. No one is ever worth that.

ResourcesFree download - Whenever we talk about a topic that is harder when it comes to dating and relationships, I like to remind you of the Dating Affirmations to help you maintain confidence as you put yourself out there.

Go to it, my friend, keep pursuing that dream no matter what responses (or lack of) you get. Your desire for love is so worth it.

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How can we change society to accommodate disability?

I was recently at a conference in which this was asked of the audience in a workshop on presuming competence and ableism. It got me thinking what if we were to substitute the word society with dating? How can we change dating to accommodate disability?

That question in itself may be the rest of my life’s work. It’s huge. It’s the answer to so many challenges around dating and disability. If we accommodated, which I define as people opening up their minds and hearts, in the dating world, how would dating become different for everyone?

Would people be more compassionate, tolerant, and understanding of not just people with disabilities but all people? Would people be more patient and kind, rather than be so quick to swipe left?

How Do We Accommodate?

Self Awareness

I think we begin with a lot more self awareness on everyone’s part. This means being aware and taking responsibility for the judgments we have. I’m talking about people who are disabled and people who are not.

We often think that if we’re dating someone without a disability that they will certainly have judgments of us, but don’t we also have judgments about them which creates defenses? These defenses then create barriers to further understanding one another.

If we engage with one another from a place of being aware and owning our judgments, that will foster a more genuine understanding and openness with one another.

Willingness to Let Go of What You Think You Want

This will seem contrary to what I usually talk and teach about regarding knowing what kind of partner you want, which I do believe is important. However, it helps to have a little openness to being surprised by what the universe sends your way. While it’s good to know our general type, it’s also very healthy to have wiggle room for the unexpected.

I’m sure if six months before my husband met me, if someone said to him, “Hey, you know that woman you’ve been longing to meet? She’ll have cerebral palsy by the way,” he probably would have said, “I don’t think so.” But meeting me and having the openness to let go of expectations as we got to know one another helped him accommodate for a disabled partner.

Become a Problem Solver

When you live with a disability, problem solving becomes second nature because we have to do it constantly. Everything from inaccessible entrances to workplace discrimination to dealing with condescending people, we problem solve.

What I notice in the dating world, is a disability equates to a problem, but not as easily do people think about a solution. When you’re face with the potential of your date being a wheelchair user or on the spectrum, why not ask “Well, how could hanging out with this person work?” This question is so much more accommodating than the “They’re different, this won’t work,” mentality.

There you have three ways that you, whether you’re disabled or not, can make dating more accommodating. Be self aware and take ownership of your judgments. Don’t project them on to others. Let go of expectations of what you think is the person you should be with. And be a problem solver, someone who knows everything can be figured out.

That, my friend, is how we begin to make dating more accommodating.

ResourcesThe Dating Strategies Guide

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Today I want to flip the script a little. Normally I’m encouraging people who are out there dating and meeting people to focus on yourself, your thoughts, your behaviors, and what you want. All of those things you should definitely do. But sometimes it helps to just consider what your dates or people you want to be your dates are thinking.

Remember, a thought doesn’t make anything real. This actually can work to your advantage. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how there are definitely people who would never consider dating someone with a disability. I think it may actually be a good exercise to go into the mind of someone like this to examine that belief and see the fallacy in it.

Let’s even give them a gender neutral name, Pat. Say Pat looks at someone with a disability and thinks I would never want to be with someone like that. If we’re really being honest, there’s a good chance that Pat would not even see the person with a disability.

So Pat has some belief systems that separate them from other people. It could be they think they’re superior. It could be there very consumed in their own little world. It could be the perceived vulnerability of a disability shakes their own vulnerability way too much.

What may come out instead is pity, ableism, judgment, or all three. This is where the fallacy thinking comes in. It’s the belief in staying in the past, in what has been, rather than what could be. That thought of I have never been attracted to people with disabilities, why would I begin now?

Why would I open myself to a new way to love?

I believe we’re are changing how people see us with disabilities, but it’s slow. I believe the more we can pursue the relationships we want and even risk rejection and getting hurt, the more we evolve that thinking that shuts down so much growth and opportunity.

The important thing for you to know is their thinking is not ultimately about you, even though you may feel that way. Their belief system is based on a way of thinking that hasn’t yet caught with the potential of you.

When you encounter this, it may be helpful to pause and say, “Oh that’s interesting that you think that way.” No need to get defensive. They just have not caught up with you yet. You just keep being you and getting out there and doing your thing. I assure you, the more you do, the more you’ll increase your chances of finding more like minded people.

Resources

Remember your affirmations and beliefs for helping you stay grounded in your value. Check out the updated version of Rising Above Sexual Ableism for this week to help you with that.

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Ableism is a system of false beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in society and can be quite hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. The good news is that you don't need to buy into ableism. Yes, it's out there but it doesn't need to define you. To feel more empowered over the effects of ableism, let's first look at how it has affected you.

What are some ways you have dealt with false beliefs related to ableism?

How has it affected you in both overt and subtle ways? Take five minutes to write about your challenges in this area.

How does this affect your feelings about yourself and your confidence?

"The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new." - Socrates

What are some positive beliefs you can believe about yourself and your disability?

For example, My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.

Boundaries and Relationship Skills

In rising above ableism, it is so crucial to focus on developing healthy boundaries and the ability to clearly communicate them. This helps to build healthy relationship skills.

What boundaries do you think are important for a healthy relationship then practice communicating your boundaries. You can communicate your boundaries by first identifying what you need and want to be different in the relationship.

Example - "Having personal space and time to myself to engage in activities that I enjoy" or "Having a partner/friend that respects my ideas, thoughts, and opinions."

Example - "My personal space and time is important to me, I need space to do the activities that I enjoy."

Checking In With Yourself

If something doesn't feel right, trust how you feel and communicate about it. Ask yourself "Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?" It is so important to take the time to practice checking in with yourself. This will help you become aware if you are being treated fairly and what needs to be addressed in the relationship.

In the area below, write down 3 questions that you can ask yourself to check in to see if you are truly happy in a relationship. Example -"Do I like the way I am being spoken to?" "Are my needs being met?" "Am I feeling happy and satisfied in this relationship?"

Resources

Download the updated version of the resource guide, Rising Above Ableism, to help you take a look at how you are so much more than the discrimination you deal with due to your disability.

Episode #2 - What is Sexual Ableism?

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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If you’re someone out there trying to date or even wanting to date and maybe you’re not yet seeing the results you want, it may be challenging to feel grateful for the dating process. When you’re feeling lonely, isolated, and not receiving the attention you are so craving from others, being grateful may very well be the last thing you want to feel.

But it could be so helpful.

Hear me out on this. According to Harvard Health, “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” Basically, gratitude changes our state of mind from one of lack to looking at what we do have.

I know you’re saying, “But what do I have? I don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I can’t even get people to swipe on my profile.”

I realize how hard being alone can feel. I had many years of enduring that feeling. It definitely doesn’t feel good. But this right here, when nothing feels like it’s working and you’re lonely as hell, is when you most need that sense of gratitude.

What to be Grateful for About Dating

I’m encouraging you to look at whatever your dating experience has been and find what you’re grateful for. There has to be something. Whether it’s a relationship that ended, but taught you something about yourself or a quality about your personality that you have learned about yourself in pursuing relationships. Maybe it’s something that when it happened, you felt angry or resentful, but then after time, you realized there was some blessing in that not so great experience.

I remember dating a guy for a few months and really liking him, but he broke it off. When he did he told me he wanted to be with someone who was “more into their body.” I of course took offense to this but over time, I realized that I was not really appreciating the body (and figure!) I had in my early thirties. So I was eventually grateful for that “nudge” by that former boyfriend.

Step into gratitude by looking at what you’re learning about the dating process, even through failure. Are you learning to better communicate through trial and error? Are you getting a better sense of the kind of person you want to be with? Maybe you’re learning what you won’t tolerate in relationships?

There IS something you’re grateful for, my friend. Find it. Name it. Own it. And use it to help you get even better in dating and relationships.

Simple Exercise

There’s no resource guide for this podcast because I want you to do a very simple exercise. Take out your phone, tablet, or even a good old fashioned index card. Write or record what you’re grateful for. Look at it every day, preferably multiple times a day, until it’s embedded in your beautiful brain. Embody what you’re grateful for. If you do this, you’ll begin to notice a change in your thinking and approach to dating and relationships. Things will begin to feel more doable.

There’s a lot within you to be grateful for, my friend, as well as the journey you’re on. Everything is happening for a reason. Trust that.

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Are you someone who has difficulty dating because of others in your life not being receptive to the idea of you dating? I continue to hear about this happening. The supports in someone’s life are just not open to the idea of dating. They say no, you can’t date, even though they have no authority to do this. Keep in mind, in most states, even legal guardianship, doesn’t give someone the authority to do this.

But it can be hard when the people in your life don’t support, and hence, don’t do anything to help you with one of your biggest dreams. Sometimes you may need transportation to meet up with someone, or you may need someone to give you encouragement, or you may need help accessing your money to pay for something dating related. And you don’t get it.

This can be very frustrating and can make you feel helpless. What may help in situations is to become a dating advocate. What exactly is a dating advocate? Well, it’s pretty simple, much like any advocacy situation, you promote your right to date and have intimate relationships.

This may begin by talking to others in your life about why you want to date and why it’s meaningful to you. Many times others put up barriers to dating because they’re afraid for someone’s safety. I like to believe that once someone understands your why behind your dream, they're more likely to want to help you. If people love you and want your best, then wouldn’t they want you to ultimately feel love And happiness despite heartbreak, failures and challenges that go along with dating for most people.

However, sometimes they may know your why and still not be supportive and even try to prevent you from dating. This is when you may have to elevate your advocacy efforts.

As I said at the beginning, even legal guardianship can usually not prevent a person from developing relationships. We’re all entitled to love and affection and that is our right.

I want to talk about sexual consent for just a minute. It’s a complicated issue and varies state by state. I’m am definitely not an expert in it, but I do want to say unless you have been deemed unable to understand what sexual consent is and the implications of giving sexual consent, and your viewed as an adult in the state you live in (it varies by state), you can give sexual consent. Someone else cannot say no on your behalf.

Going back to advocacy, you can intensify it in the area of dating by reminding people of your rights to relationships, to make decisions, to take risks, and even fail. If the people preventing you from dating are saying they’re just trying to keep you safe or from getting hurt, please remind them that most people who date and eventually form very loving relationships, get hurt somewhere along the way. This is about the dignity of risk.

You may also need to identify a couple people in your life who can be allies for you and help you advocate. Remember strength in numbers. Chose someone who you really trusts and who gets you.

Reach out to advocacy groups in your state or local area. They’re out there, willing to help you.

Keep at it. Advocate for you right to date and develop relationships. Dating and intimacy is a quality of life issue. Don’t let anyone diminish that for you.

ResourcesIf you need more help, check out the Who's Your Support System resource guide to help you look at who in your life can be allies in dating and relationships.

Episode 20 - Who is Your Support System?

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One of the most significant barriers I have found in both working with people with disabilities on dating and relationships, as well as counseling people is how to undo a negative belief. It can be real hard to do so, especially when you had others give you negative messages, reacted negatively to you, or you haven’t received the results you have wanted in your dating pursuits.

Just to explain a little further by what I mean by results. Results are the outcomes you’re looking to achieve by anything you try. In dating and relationships, results can be getting a date, people responding to your dating profile, meeting new people who could be potential dates.

If we don’t get good feedback on what we’re trying to do and/or the results we want, it makes it hard to undo a negative belief. For example, I know a man with CP who worked up the courage to ask a girl out in high school. She just said to him, “Are you always going to walk that way?” Statements like this can keep negative beliefs, like no one will find me attractive because of my disability, really entrenched in our minds.

When we have been hurt and the world hasn’t validated our worth, it can be really hard to undo negative beliefs.

But what else are you going to do? Go through life letting negative beliefs rule and make you feel worse about yourself?

Our brains can be very sneaky. They can make us think that what we believe is reality. But I don’t think you want your reality to be doubting yourself or feeling you can’t achieve what you want.

You need to consciously choose what you want to think and believe about yourself. Let me show you how to to do this by example.

Let’s take the example of no one will date me because I have a disability. You have to begin to undo this by thinking what is the replacement belief you want. In this case, the thought you might obviously want to have is people will date me and accept my disability.

This may seem like a jump from no one will date me to people in general will date me. But what about a bridge thought? A bridge thought is a thought that is a smaller step to a bigger belief. For our example here, the bridge thought could be, there’s someone out there who would love to date me. That way you’re focusing on believing a more manageable belief. This more manageable belief can then help undo the negative belief of no one wanting to date you.

Now here’s the key to all this. When you find yourself believing a negative, you got to stop your brain and redirect it to the positive belief, almost like you would a small child. Say “Oh no, we’re not doing that, we’re going over here.”

It takes work to redirect our minds away from negative beliefs but that’s how we begin to do it. This is so important because most of the time, whatever we believe becomes our reality. If you believe people won’t date you because of your disability, that will likely be your experience. However if your mind believes there’s someone out there for you, chances are much greater you’ll find that person.

Undo those negative beliefs, my friend. They’re not serving you. Have confidence that you can undo negative beliefs. Follow the example I provided about coming up with a bridge thought if developing a positive thought seems like too much of a jump in your thinking.

You can do this.

Resources
To help you, check out this download, Five Beliefs For Successful Dating With A Disability for guidance on beliefs that lead to more successful dating.

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The most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people.

I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people?

I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.

Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.

Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities.

You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.

Do what feels right for you.

Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.

If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join.

It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.

Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success.

Resources

How to Meet People guide

The Dating Profile guide

Link to podcast episode 29 on How to Meet People

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Chris Johnson describes himself as a 42-year-old man in a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy, He says, "My experience with dating and relationships amounts to a series of unrequited crushes throughout my adolescence and adulthood. I’ve never been on a date or had a girlfriend. In the past two years or so, I’ve really grown emotionally and spiritually, and I feel ready to enter a committed romantic relationship with a woman who’s willing and able to share a life with me.

I believe that ableism poses a large obstacle to dating and relationships for people with disabilities. We’re seen as undesirable partners due to our physical limitations, as well as the issues these limitations pose regarding mobility, fitness, and perceived attractiveness. I’m average-looking at my worst, but for years, I believed I was ugly because of my weight. Although I think I would be seen in a better light if I lost quite a few pounds, I doubt if that alone could negate the effects ableism has on my social life.

One of the many reasons I appreciate Radiant Abilities is their effort to educate people on how to recognize ableism and overcome it. It’s so ingrained in our society that people—both able-bodied and differently-abled—don’t often realize on a conscious level that they are engaging in it. I guarantee that I myself have deep-seated ableist attitudes that need to change. Radiant Abilities can help me change them with the resources you provide.

The advice I would give to people with disabilities who are in search of dating success and healthy relationships is to first cultivate an attitude of self-love and self-confidence. Become the person you want to be in a relationship with. Stay humble and grateful, while filling your mind with positive thoughts and intentions.

Then, speak those affirmations aloud until you feel as if you have already attained the success you seek. Your confident, positive energy will attract potential partners who will also be confident and positive. This type of manifestation takes patience and faith. It’s a process I’ve found myself in for nearly two years now, and I feel like things are slowly but surely aligning for me to find a path to a life partner."

Resources
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

You can connect with Chris on:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

The Purple Knight podcast about his favorite musician, Prince

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This may sound in opposition to what I normally talk about when it comes to dating and relationships. If you’re having fear and doubt about yourself in the dating and relationship, that can actually be a good sign. And you’re saying, “Wait a minute, don’t you preach self esteem and confidence when dating and in relationships?”

Yes, I do, but having good self esteem and confidence doesn’t mean you’re free from fear and doubt. Sometimes the people who have the highest amounts of self esteem and confidence struggle with fear and doubt the most. Many times this is because they’re taking big risks to reach their dreams and it’s scarier than all heck.

The difference with these people is they don’t let fear and doubt stop them. They work through the fear and doubt to keep meeting the new opportunities and challenges to face them on the way to their dreams.

Fear and doubt, in nearly anything, can be a good sign because it usually means you’re growing, changing, and challenging yourself to move forward in life. If you have fear and doubt in dating, maybe that means you’re challenging yourself to get out there, rather than allowing your fear to stop you from doing so.

Make Friends With Fear and Doubt

It’s human nature to shrink from fear and doubt. No one wakes up and says, “Yes! I’m going to fear scared and doubt myself all day long.” But when we avoid feeling fear and doubt at all costs, even our dreams and what we want most in the world, we’re letting fear and doubt rule.

We don’t make friends with fear and doubt. What I mean by that is we don’t chase fear and doubt away and we don’t hide from it. We just let it be. We have it come to us as a way of understanding why it’s there, much like we would a friend.

I have a few prompts that you could ask yourself to help you be less intimidated by fear and doubt, especially in dating and relationships.

How about just being curious, rather than upset or nervous, by fear and doubt? This helps put you in a state of wonder, rather than anxiety.

Why don’t you ask fear and doubt why they showed up, much like you would a friend? The answer may give you the exact insight you need.

Ask yourself how can I take fear and doubt along with me on this endeavor rather than allow it to stop me? Again, much like you might go on a journey with a friend.

These tips might sound weird to you, but be open to it.

What do you have to lose if you find fear and doubt are preventing you from maybe putting yourself out there, connecting with someone, or just believing in yourself.

Trust me, when I was confident enough to tell my husband I wanted to get to him more on our first date, I was still filled with fear and doubt. I just did it anyway.

Remember fear and doubt can be a good thing. It means you’re shaking things up and reaching outside your comfort zone. A lot of growth can happen there. Remember the prompts to treat fear and doubt more like a friend.

Free Resource

Download these Affirmations for Confidently Living with Disability for that confidence boost you often need for working through fear and doubt.

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If you’re listening to this around the time that it’s published, we’re newly into the last quarter of the year. It seems every year, although we know October, November and December come every year, we are surprised by its arrival.

Did you have plans and goals for yourself this year, maybe around dating and relationships? Was this going to be the year that things finally changed and you met someone? But now it’s October and you’re thinking, “Shoot this is like every other year.”

Don’t give up! You got three months to make progress.

Why not pick a small goal for each month - October, November and December - to make just a little or a lot of progress toward your goals?

Some examples could be writing your dating profile. Remember you should have one whether or not you’re doing online dating,

You could join a group, virtually or in person, as a way of meeting new people?

Or tell three people you’re looking to date and do they know anyone for you to meet?

Pick one goal per month to work on. Who knows? You may actually meet someone.

ResourcesIf you feel you need help with this, download the 3, 2, 1 Plan, which helps you come up with three positive affirmations, two powerful beliefs about dating, and one action you can take toward your dating goals. Bonus points for coming up with three actions, one for each month.

The year is not over! Make this season count! Don’t give up!

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We're talking about the effects of ableism on intimate relationships. We're talking with my colleague at Radiant Abilities, Alexa Strickland. Alexa is a Mental Health Counselor and Trainer who has researched ableism, sexuality, and intimate relationships.

In Alexa's research, The Effects of Ableism on People With Disabilities in Intimate Relationships, the premise was “the purpose of this study is to examine the effects of ableism on PWDs in intimate relationships using the Ableism and Relationships survey to assess experiences of ableism in dating and relationships and how these experiences may affect their self-esteem and confidence, sense of sexuality, and their ability to form intimate relationships.” Alexa does a great job breaking down what this means.

She also discusses both the type/severity of a disability can influence attitudes towards PWDs in intimate relationships.

We talk about the challenges participants experienced in dating/relationships such as rejection, receiving hurtful/discriminatory comments about their disability, and perceived as asexual/unattractive.

Alexa shares a sampling of the answers to these questions:

What challenges have you experienced in dating or relationships?

Do you feel like this challenge(s) makes it difficult to form intimate or meaningful relationships with others?

She wraps up by talking about the three biggest takeaways you had from the research.

As with most of my guests, we chat about the particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships, as well as societal changes needed to see people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.

Alexa also shares the most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

Lastly, she mentions the two new groups she's beginning on Acceptance, Disability, and Relationships and Managing Anxiety. Open to NYS residents. Contact Alexa for more details.

Resources

Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism. Use this download as a resource for strengthening your skills live the life you want and have the relationships you want.

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I want to give you a little context because I realize I often refer to “when I was single,” when talking about when I was on the path of trying to date with a disability. I did not meet my husband until just before I turned 39 and we were married two years later. I consider adulthood beginning at 18, so I was single and trying to date successfully for a good 20 years. Twenty years. That’s a long time. Trust me, it felt long in the midst of it.

In those 20 years, I had a lot of lonely nights. To me, lonely nights are twofold. There’s the lonely of 8pm on a Saturday night and then there’s the lonely of 3am. I’m sure you know what I mean. The 8pm lonely might have thoughts of “Everyone’s out on a date or cuddling with their sweetheart but me.” It feels lonely and it sucks.

Then the 3am lonely feels more like a panic. “Will I ever meet someone? Will anyone find me attractive?” And then it can spiral out of control. You begin to think, “Will I die alone?” Or at least, I did.

I wanted to let you know that whether it’s 8pm or 3am, you’re not alone with these thoughts.\

And it will be okay.

I think back now on my life and how those nights terrified me at the time. For a while, I had them so frequently, it left me sleep deprived.

And life ended up working out for me. Nowadays my sleep is mainly disturbed by my son or dog waking me up.

The RemedyThe best advice I can give you for these lonely nights is to begin by acknowledging YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Many other single people are having lonely nights too. We just don’t talk about it that much.

Then develop a plan for yourself of how you’re going to address the problem of the lonely nights. Are you going to begin going somewhere, maybe join a group to meet people, get on a dating site? What are you going to do that is within your control to meet people? When we’re experiencing a negative emotion, such as loneliness, we want to honor and acknowledge that feeling, but we also want to take action toward the problem. This will help you from feeling like the problem is completely outside your control.

Here are some concrete tips for that 8pm loneliness:

Plan something for yourself ahead of time if you know you have plans. Maybe pick out a movie or show you’ve been wanting to see. Call a friend and get together. Or plan to dive into your hobby at that time.
Pamper yourself at that time. Do a spa night. Be good to yourself, as long as it’s not eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a package of Oreos.
Join a group, either online or in person, so you don’t feel alone.

Now, for the 3am loneliness:

Love yourself. If you’re having panicky thoughts about your life, your body and mind need love. Acknowledge three things you love about yourself.
Reassure yourself that these are just thoughts in your beautiful head and have no reality to them.
Take deep breaths. If you have trouble doing this on your own, YouTube has videos to guide you on this.
If you’re so inclined, pray or meditate. Turn it over to something more powerful than you.
If needed, call those people in your life who you can call at 3am.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Download the Relationship Vision guide to help you put your focus on what you want to attract into your life rather than worrying about what you don’t have.
Did you hear we’re conducting research on dating with a disability? Please schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.
If you have an idea for a guest on the podcast, email me here

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I want to thank the listeners who have already volunteered for the research interviews my colleague, Alexa, and I are doing. We have gotten such amazing insights and information already. If you would be willing to give us 30 minutes to interview you for some research, and yes, you can be sure it will include dating and relationships, sign up here for Kathy and here for Alexa.

Now, I have a question for you, as I usually do. Do you have a dating tool bag? Are you saying, Kathy, what the heck is a dating tool bag? Well, if you’ve been listening for a bit, you know something I say a lot about dating with a disability is that it’s hard, but totally possible, meaning you can figure it out. However, like a lot of puzzles in life, it may take time and TOOLS to figure it out. I have some suggestions based on what worked in my life and what is helpful for the people I help with dating and relationships.

A Dating PlanFirst, you need to have a plan for approaching dating. I encourage you to come up with three positive messages you can tell yourself about dating, two encouraging beliefs you can develop about dating, and then decide on one action you’re going to take to put yourself out there to date, such as get on a dating app or go to a particular event. I call this the 3, 2, 1 plan.

The Dating Profile and DisclosureWriting a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. If you are dating with a disability, you need to learn ways to disclose it in your dating profile. The How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability Guide may help.

Your Support SystemUse this guide sheet to help you identify not just people but books, activities, and resources to help you in your dating and relationship journey.

Talking About Your DisabilityThis is NOT the same as disclosure of your disability. Once you disclose your disability, you need ways to talk about it in a healthy, empowering ways. Check out the Bringing Disability Into Relationships Guide.

Being Able To Have Tough ConversationsHaving Difficult Conversations Guide can help you figure out what to say for those difficult, but important conversations.

CoachingThis is a service I offer in my business, Dating and Relationship Coaching. You can work one to one with me in a package of four 45 minute phone calls to brainstorm and strategize through the issues and struggles you’re facing.

Where Do We Go From Here?What do you need in your tool bag? Download one or all of the resources to help give you support and clarity on getting the results you want in dating and relationships.

Resources3, 2, 1 plan
The How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability Guide
Who’s Your Support System Guide
Disability Into Relationships Guide
Bringing Disability Into Relationships Guide.
Dating and Relationship Coaching

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I often get messages on social media like this: I’m looking for a disabled woman who wants marriage. Do you know of any honest matchmakers?

While my heart goes out to people who have the vulnerability to ask this, I also cringe when I get asked this because I suspect that when someone asks about matchmaking, they are doubting their own ability to attract someone to themselves.

Now, before you say, wait a minute, matchmaking works for a lot of people, let me say I know and I agree. My own parents were set up on a blind date and happily married for 65 years. I am not saying matchmaking doesn’t work.

What I am saying is it should not be your “go to” strategy for dating success. I believe a crucial part of making dating work for you is developing this sense of ownership that you are in control of your dating destiny. I think when people don’t feel this, they can feel on some level like a victim because they're depending on others to find them “someone.”

I know that’s a strong statement to make and I truly don’t say it to be critical. I just want you to consider if you’re out there dating or wanting to date, are you depending on someone else to find your person because you don’t believe you have that ability within yourself? Or perhaps you have been disappointed so many times, you have given up on being able to find someone on your own?

I truly get the frustration and wanting help. I encourage you to ask for help. In fact, I always tell people if you’re dating, let everyone in your life know so they can keep an eye out for a potential someone for you. But this is vastly different from solely relying on others to “hook you up” so to speak.

If you want to use matchmaking to meet someone, use it as one of your tools in your dating tool bag. We’ll be talking about that next week. Don’t put the power in one person or site or organization to find you what you want most in this world.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Cultivate your Power to Attract. The message I shared at the beginning of this episode was from someone who said “normal women don’t like disabled men for partners.” Therefore, he wanted a matchmaker who would match him with a disabled woman. Again, nothing wrong with preferring to date disabled people, except when you’re doing it because you believe nondisabled people won’t give you the time of day.

Cultivating your Power to Attract is about owning that belief in yourself that you are attractive (whether physically, emotionally, intellectually, or all of the above), even in face of rejection and disappointment, because it’s something that belongs within you. It doesn’t come from outside or from others. It’s about recognizing and nurturing the qualities within you that draw others to you.

I would love to see you become your own best matchmaker. I know you have it in you.

Resources

Free download - The Power to Attract guide to help you in identifying those qualities within you that draw people to you.
Did you hear in last week’s episode we’re conducting research on dating with a disability? Please schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.
If you have an idea for a guest on the podcast, email me here.

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Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.

One of my biggest goals is to “move the needle on people with disabilities being seen as dating and relationship partners.” What I mean by that is I want to help not only people with disabilities see and own their worth, ability to attract, and what they offer to relationships, but I want society to see that more as well.

If you know my story, you know why I’m so passionate about this. And if you don’t know my story, here’s the abridged version. I grew up having no models or guidance on how to date with a disability.

No one talked to me about how to value myself in the dating world with a very obvious difference that cause others to judge me and immediately rule me out as potential dating material.

Then came along a particular first date. In one moment, I was faced with giving up or taking a huge risk and acknowledging my value as a potential partner to my date. I chose the latter and my life changed. Listen to episode 1, I’m Just So Uncomfortable, for more details.

Now I live the life I dreamt about for so many years. I want the same for you.

Ah, but dating is hard, isn’t it? Especially in a world where we can so easily swipe left to not even give someone a chance.

And exactly how do you go about dating if you don’t have experience? If people won’t give you the chance?

Do you tell people up front about your disability or wait until you get to know them? What if your disability is so apparent that that isn’t an option for you?

Lots of questions. Lots to figure out.

IT CAN BE FIGURED OUT. Everything is Figureoutable. Check out one of my favorite books on this.

I’m here, as well as the company I run, Radiant Abilities, to help you figure dating out for yourself.

But first, I need to talk to you. Yes you, out there listening. I want to talk with you, meaning on zoom, in a one to one call.

We’re looking to talk to you about your dating experience, what has worked, what hasn’t worked, and most of all, what would be helpful to you in feeling more successful in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Click this link to schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.

Resources

Free download - Bringing Disability Into Relationships. Use this quick guide to help you to bring your disability into relationships in a healthy, empowering way.
Everything is Figureoutable. (Book)
If you have an idea for a guest on the podcast, email me here.

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Sometimes our own beliefs can be the biggest stumbling blocks to our dating and relationship success. Sometimes we just need to get out of our heads.

My friend, Patrick McMullan, is back talking about his experience dating as a man with Cerebral Palsy. Patrick talks about how he did NOT tell his wife about his disability before their first date and why he chose not to tell her.

He talks about how he learned to get out of his head and negative beliefs about himself in order to find dating and relationship success. Soon after he got out of his head and realized he just needed to be himself, he met his wife of 25 years.

Patrick is also a father of four. His oldest children are twins. We talk about parenting with a disability, juggling the demands of a busy family life, and the secret to a happy marriage.

Before signing off, Patrick shares some wise advice about showing up in the world as a person with a disability to really live the life you want. And most of all, why you need to share yourself with the world.

Resources

Free download - 8 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

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I've been wanting for a while to do a podcast from the male perspective of someone dating with a disability. Today I have another special guest, a friend of mine for over 30 years, Patrick McMullen. Patrick and I first met as college freshman. Both of us have CP, but until then, knew very few other peers with disabilities.

We talk about how growing up as one of five kids allowed him to be naturally included in activities. However, because of the CP, Patrick struggled with being different and what he thought people thought of him.

Patrick has enjoyed a successful career as a banker, has been married 25 years, and has four beautiful children. We talk about his personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.

Since Patrick's been married quite a while, we talk about the concept of bringing a disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship.

**Resources

Download - 5 Success Beliefs for Dating**

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

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Whitney Bailey is on a mission to educate society while advocating for the needs of the disabled community and motivating others to maximize their potential.

Whitney was born with cerebral palsy. She is a podcast host of Spastic Chatter, a platform meant to feature those in the cerebral palsy community. She gets together with individuals who have CP to have an uncensored chat about what it’s like having this type of disability.

Whitney is also the Director of Operations for Diversability, a social enterprise with almost 70k following across all social channels focused on elevating disability pride through disability community, visibility, and engaged allyship.

In this episode, Whitney and I chat about:

Why she began her podcast on Cerebral Palsy, Spastic Chatter.
Her background or personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities.
The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships?
Her initial resistance to dating her boyfriend because of his disability.
How she thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
Her most helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
And her role in the organization Diversability.

ResourcesThe Spastic Chatter Podcast

Diversability

Whitney's website

Whitney on Instagram

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.

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Today we're continuing our conversation with Shirley Paceley, author of SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities. See last week's episode for the first part of our conversation.

One of my favorite parts of the book is a project Shirley shares about the Dare to Dream project. I feel strongly we need to do much more with people with disabilities to encourage them to go after their dreams and even take risks. I talk to Shirley about what were the key learnings she took away from the Dare to Dream project.

We also talk about:

The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.
How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
Helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.

ResourcesSHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - shirleypaceley@gmail.com

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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I'm reading a great book, SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley.

Shirley Paceley has worked with people with disabilities for 48 years and has a master’s degree in clinical psychology. Shirley is a published author, international trainer, counselor, consultant, advocate, and visionary. Shirley has co-created a multitude of resources for self-advocates, disability providers, educators, counselors, victim advocates, criminal justice professionals, and others.

Shirley has dedicated her life to empower people with disabilities to be free, safe, and live meaningful lives. Shirley received the 2021 Professional Impact Award Fromm End Violence Against Women International.

In this first of a two part interview, we chat about:

What made her want to write this book
Where within her came her ability to naturally get that disability is just another form of diversity.
How she has seen advocacy for people with disabilities transform over the recent years
What's happening on the legislative side of sexual health for people with disabilities
And after working with hundreds of sexual assault survivors with disabilities, what would she say to someone who has suffered sexual assault.

ResourcesSHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities

Shirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.

Contact Information:

Shirley Paceley - shirleypaceley@gmail.com

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Today's show is released on the 32nd anniversary of the passage of the Americans with Disabilities (ADA) act. While it hasn't fix all the issues, or even come close, to providing accessibility to all people with disabilities, the ADA has certainly made a crack in the equality ceiling.

For many of you, you have never known life without the ADA being the law. For others, like myself, I remember standing in my family's home and watching the coverage on the news of the masses of people with disabilities on the steps of the Capitol, many of them crawling up the steps to demonstrate the need for access.

What Does the ADA Have to Do with Dating?Wouldn't it be nice if we could legislate ramps into people's minds and hearts so that society could more readily see people with disabilities as dating and relationship partners? Since that won't ever happen, it's really up to YOU to make it happen.

Pursue your dreams to meet people, date, and find loving relationships. If you have that desire in your heart, HONOR it. Go for it, despite the judgments and perceptions you face from people. That is how we all are going to eventually build a ramp to people's hearts and minds.

Where Do We Go From Here?The resource guide for this episode is the Dating Strategies guide. This guide will help you develop a mindset for dating success, help you figure out how you want to communicate about your disability with dates, and brainstorm how to meet people.

Resources

Dating Strategies guide

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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In the month of July, we’re celebrating Disability Pride. According to the Disability Community Resource Center, Disability Pride is defined “as accepting and honoring each person’s uniqueness and seeing it as a natural and beautiful part of human diversity.” Disability Pride is an integral part of movement building and a direct challenge of systemic ableism and stigmatizing definitions of disability.

I believe we need to bring Disability Pride more into the dating scene as a way of beginning to eradicate sexual ableism. As a reminder, sexual ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities in intimacy and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority. Check out episode 2 which is all about sexual ableism.

So What Does It Mean To Have Disability Pride When Dating?

Again, according to the Disability Community Resource Center “the disability pride movement wants to present people with disabilities as people living their lives in plain view proud of their identity as being disabled…Pride comes from celebrating our heritage, disability culture, the unique experiences that we have as people with disabilities, and the contributions that we can give to society.”

This means we get out there and date. We put ourselves out there if we have the desire for meaningful relationships in our lives, or even if we just want to have fun and have good sex. Yes, I did just say that.

I think a big - and scary - part of bringing Disability Pride to dating is knowing some people will reject us and STILL going for what we want. Our dreams and desires are not dependent on everyone seeing your value. It’s their loss if they do. You need to just attract the right people who will see your value and beauty.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Much of the core of my work in helping people to dating is about mindset, what you believe about yourself, and the ability to feel confident in the face of adversity. And I understand that all takes time. That’s why I show up every week in your earbuds, giving up a regular dose of encouragement and support for doing the very hard thing of dating with a disability. I have a selection of resources this week to help you in building your confidence.

Resources

Affirmations for Living Confidently with a Disability has statements to encourage you with general confidence.

Mindset Beliefs for Successful Dating helps you in creating beliefs about yourself and your disability that build confidence.

And Boldly Communicate helps you to develop ways to talk confidently with dates about yourself and your disability.

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Every week when a new podcast is released, I send an email to people on my subscriber list with a little description of the podcast, along with the link to the free resource of the week. I’m not telling you that to get you on my email list, although of course, there’s a link in the show notes if that’s something that peaks your interest.

I’m telling you this because last week the subject of the email was “What’s Wrong With You?” to go along with the episode title. I had one person answer the email by saying, “my looks and disability.” While I have compassion for this person because I once believed that about myself, I told the reader that the fact that he believes that his looks and disability are what’s wrong with him IS THE PROBLEM.

If you’re listening to this around the time it airs, it is the lovely summer month, in the Northern hemisphere, of July. July is also Disability Pride month. I always like to acknowledge Disability Pride month because I believe we don’t have enough of it in our society.

What We Believe About Ourselves is What People See

Let me ask you this. If you are believing that your looks or disability is the problem. If you’re believing you can’t attract someone to you because of your looks or the fact that you use a wheelchair, how is a potential date going to see beyond what you believe about yourself?

Whatever we believe about ourselves, either positive or negative, is what others see. If you’re believing that your looks are lacking, that no one will date you because of your disability, or even wondering why the hell should you be proud of your disability, others are going to pick right up on that and say “Nah-ah.”

Building Better Beliefs

I often find this is the hardest part for people I work with to grasp.Living with a disability of any kind can certainly make dating and relationships challenging, but TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

"Every belief has a consequence. Your beliefs either heal you or harm you. They either support your aspirations or thwart them. Beliefs become the source of your limitation or liberation." -Marie Forleo, Everything Is Figureoutable

BELIEF MINDSET #1: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF

Example: I am a kind and loving person who deserves to be treated well.

BELIEF MINDSET #2: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR DISABILITY

Example: Living with a disability make me very interesting as a person.

BELIEF MINDSET #3: YOUR POWER TO ATTRACT

Example: I attract people to me with my kind heart and warm personality.

BELIEF MINDSET #4: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU DESERVE

Example: I deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

BELIEF MINDSET #5: WHAT KIND OF PARTNER YOU WANT

Example: I deserve to be with someone I am excited to be with.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Download the MINDSET SUCCESS GUIDE FOR DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, AND DISABILITY. This guide tells you the five main areas to create beliefs around, specifically for creating a success mindset for dating and relationship building when you live with a disability.

If you want to stay connected and get the weekly emails and resources I share on my email list, sign up at RadiantAbilities.com and you’ll get Affirmations for Dating Successfully with a Disability.

Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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“What’s wrong with you?” Don’t you love that question. I have been asked this before, several times. It amazes me that I actually don’t recall a date ever asking me this one. For you who have been asked this on a date, or anywhere else in your life, I have the Perfect Answer.

First, let me just say…I can certainly understand a five-year old asking this of someone living with a disability. I always use it as a teachable moment with kids and begin by saying, “I walk and talk differently (inserting a more inclusive word than funny or weird) because I have cerebral palsy.” Depending on their age, they may be satisfied with that or if they have a heightened sense of curiosity, it may lead to a discussion about what cerebral palsy is. Either way, it’s all good.

Manners 101It’s when adults ask me this, is when I have difficulty. We won’t even discuss here about the need to back to Sensitivity and Manners 101. Let’s talk about the myth people are perpetuating when they ask this question.

“What’s wrong with you?” implies that there’s an inherent flaw that needs to be corrected in someone. At the time this podcast is going live, it’s July, Disability Pride month. Throughout July, we’re going to be talking about bringing Disability Pride into dating and relationships.

Obviously, the question implying there’s something wrong with you does nothing to foster disability pride. A disability is just a facet of who we are, among all our other attributes. When people use the word wrong and we all know they mean our disability, they are implying it is bad, faulty, mistaken, out of line, rotten, etc. to live with a disability, rather than what’s perfect and natural about you.

Empowerment Moment, Not TeachableIf a date or a potential date should ask you this question, I certainly understand you wanting to give them a piece of your mind, especially if they use a certain tone in asking the question. As I always say, you ultimately need to respond in a way that suits you.

I would recommend that you take this opportunity as a moment for empowerment for yourself. Forget teachable moments. If an adult is asking you what’s wrong with you, they need way more teaching than you have time.

Use this moment to let them know there’s not a thing “wrong” with you, that your disability is another aspect of yourself that makes you so damn interesting and why they should get to know you.

Where Do We Go From Here?The dating scene is filled with opportunities for showing Disability Pride. Think about how you want to talk about your disability ahead of time. Come up with how you’re going to answer questions about your disability, even insensitive ones. See them as opportunities to empower yourself in the dating scene, rather than doubt yourself or what you bring to relationships.

Download the resource for this podcast, How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile. It is by far my most popular resource guide. Even if you’re not doing online dating, it will give you some great tips for communicating about your disability with dates.

Resources

Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Let’s begin with a question, keeping in mind this is a podcast on dating and relationships.

Are you choosing your dreams, rather than buying into sexual ableism? This can be a particularly good question to ask yourself this if you’re not having success in dating with a disability.

You may not like that question and even be a little offended by it.

But sometimes those harder questions and more specifically, the answers to them, point us in the direction we want to be heading in.

I spent most of my single years believing that living with cerebral palsy presented a huge obstacle to falling in love and finding a life partner. You might be feeling the same way. You may think your disability makes you less attractive, less valuable as a partner.

What Sexual Ableism Is

Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of disability implies inferiority (adapted from AccessLiving.org). Episode 2 is all about sexual ableism.

Sexual ableism is discrimination, belittling, judgments, archaic thinking. It’s just as real as racism, xenoism, and sexism is. It has to be acknowledged.

But we don’t need to place this prejudicial thinking before our dreams. Why give more power to what can hurt you over what you want most?

Make the decision that was what you want most, to share my life with someone, is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than backwards beliefs.

Dare to Dream

I’m reading a fabulous book, Shining the Light: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley, a longtime disability advocate. I’ll be having Shirley on the show in the near future to discuss her book. In Shining the Light, Shirley talks about how vital it is for all people to have dreams as part of a meaningful life. She writes, “Dreams give our life meaning and for some people, it is a dream that allows them to get up every morning and say, ‘I can do this one more day.”

Where Do We Go From Here?

Love is love.

Although this is typically associated with the LGBTQ+ community, those of us living with disabilities can certainly borrow it to help rise above sexual ableism. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, desired, and valued. This begins with changing what you put your focus on, where you invest your mental energy.

Choose your dreams over the negativity of sexual ableism. Believe in yourself. Believe in worthy of love. Believe that your disability is a vehicle for love, not a deterrent.

Ask yourself this instead:

“What am I going to do with your wild and precious life?”

Mary Oliver

Resources

Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism
Shining the Light: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley
Radiant Abilities Dating Resource

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Unified Diversity, seems a contradictory term, doesn’t it?

It’s a topic I believe we pay too little attention to in the Disabled community – our solitary with other diverse populations, as well with one another. As someone who has always been and will always be a “minority,” I feel such an affinity with others who are lumped in this ever-growing category.

I, as a white, heterosexual woman, feel a particular kinship to the LBGTQ+ community. First and foremost because so many treasured friends of mine belong to this diverse and dynamic group.

But my affinity runs deeper than friendship…

It’s about owning, claiming, and celebrating a natural part of your being that is still often viewed by the majority as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” While I can’t try to proclaim that I understand the struggles that still exist today for people who are “coming out,” I do certainly understand how it feels to encounter the fear of difference. I believe as a society we have come a long way in the last few decades in that regard.

As I have watched the progression of the Pride movement into increased acceptance and value for the diverse ways people live and love, I can’t help but think there are so many lessons for the Disabled community to learn from. At the core of Pride movement, I see people valuing how they’re different for the “majority” and taking pride in their diversity, which has endured a history of shame, denigration, and abuse. Sound familiar?

It can feel so isolating at times to learn to take pride in the very thing that brings so much adversity in your life, whether it be using a wheelchair, loving someone of the same sex, identifying with another gender, or being a different race. Pride, for me on my heterosexual, heteronormative, Disabled lens, is really about celebrating who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear.

We all struggle to be celebrated in a world that may not accept us. Let’s begin by accepting one another within that realm of difference and learning from one another to accept ALL differences.

Let’s all “come out” as a way of teaching the world that diversity expands and strengthens the global good. This is why we need Unified Diversity and not categories of differences. Let’s not only embrace one another’s struggles, but learn from them as a means of easing our own personal journeys.

You may be asking, “Okay, I get all this, but how does Pride fit into dating with a disability?”

These three simple, yet profound lessons from the Pride movement can really be effective in countering sexual ableism in the dating scene:

Come out and claim, own, and celebrate your disability as a natural part of your being in the face of others seeing it as unnatural and even worse, “not right.”
Celebrate who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear and live your life. If you want a relationship, go after it with all you got. Don’t let the narrow mindedness of others limit your dreams.
Unifiy with others, not just from the Disabled community, but all marginalized communities to learn how others have worked through barriers to finding love and happiness.

Resources

Free download - Rising above Sexual Ableism
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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My husband and I recently celebrated the 15th anniversary of our first date. To me, 15 years feels like a milestone. It also got me thinking about first dates and initially meeting people. It can be very tenuous, especially when you live with a disability. People judge you, have perceptions of you that are frequently wrong, and may just dismiss you all together. And this can happen whether or not other people have disabilities themselves because we all process disabilities in very individual ways.

In addition to judging you, people can also be uncomfortable with the presence of your disability. That was certainly the case with the first date I had with my husband. Check out episode 1, I’m So Uncomfortable, for those details.
What I want to talk about today is the concept of holding space for discomfort on dates. I think this is so important because I am sure if I didn’t hold the space for my husband’s discomfort on our awkward first date, I would have never heard from him.

Difference Between Discomfort and Ableism

Before I talk about holding the space for discomfort, I want to distinguish discomfort from ableism. While discomfort can certainly come from ableism, I define discomfort more with what someone is feeling inside and how they’re reacting to a person or situation. Ableism, on the other hand, is projecting discomfort to make the experience of being disabled wrong or inferior.

What Does Holding Space Mean

Holding space is typically a counseling term. It can also be a term used in yoga. I actually found a great definition for it at yogapedia.com. “When you hold space for someone, you are doing something very beautiful. You are allowing them the chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are and allowing whatever comes, to simply happen. You are protecting their ability to exist and to experience their reality, without judging them or attempting to alter this reality in any way.”
Now I want to be clear, it is certainly not our job - ever - to take care of others and help them feel safe and supported adjusting to our disabilities. I have always felt that when you’re an adult, that’s their responsibility.

Tips for Holding Space

I want to just share some tips for holding space for someone’s discomfort with you and your disability.
First of all, it’s not about you! It’s so important that you remember this. You having a disability is never, ever the problem. People thinking that way is the problem. So just continually remind yourself of that when confronted with discomfort about your disability.

Where Do We Go From Here?

While I’m a firm believer that disabilities are natural and the world just needs to adjust to that fact, I find it helps me to expect that people will be uncomfortable from time to time with interacting with me. It has nothing to do with me. It’s their story, their process, their feelings. I’m simply a trigger for that.
Be who you are. I know, way easier to say, than do. But really, when you focus on accepting yourself as who you are, trusting that who you are is exactly who you need to be, and owning that, the discomfort of others has so much less of an impact on you.

Resources

Free download - Boldly Communicate
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Today I interview Ellen Merker, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who own Heart Consulting in Madison, WI. Heart Consulting works with people with developmental disabilities, physical disabilities, and mental illness; of all genders and gender identities, sexual orientations, race, socioeconomic status, religions, cultures, and ethnicity.

Heart Consulting believes in empowering people with disabilities to live full lives with meaningful relationships, and works to do this through educating about safe and healthy relationships, as well as provide support and advocacy to individuals.

Ellen started Heart Consulting LLC in 2017, after seeing the need for more resources around sexual assault and domestic violence in the disability community. Ellen received her MS in Rehabilitation Psychology from UW-Madison in 2012, and has worked in various roles with neurodivergent individuals for over 10 years. Ellen’s therapy focuses on individual needs and looking at the how one’s environment may be impacting mental health.

Resources

Heart Consulting on Instagram
Heart Consulting on Facebook
Heart Consulting's website
Radiant Abilities Dating Resources

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Let’s face it -- dating with a disability can be hard! People can struggle to accept you and what you have to offer. It can certainly affect your self esteem and confidence. This is exactly why I specialize in ways to increase self esteem and confidence when dating. The best way to counter this is through affirmations, positive statements you focus on as a way of building your confidence.

Not Faking It

I want to be clear about something. Saying affirmations is about changing your beliefs. It is not about “faking it until you make it,” which unfortunately is what I used to believe.
Affirmations are about pretending to be something you’re not. It’s about rewiring your brain your thoughts and beliefs to work with you rather than against you.

Why These Statements WorkHere are 8 affirmations to increase your confidence in dating and relationships. I’m going through each statement to explain why it works. If you don’t believe these statements right now, that’s fine. Try to remove any judgment as you say them. The power of affirmations comes from reading them and saying them daily. As you do, you change your mindset to bring about the positive changes you want in your life.

My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.
The strengths and personal qualities, such as determination and acceptance of others, you have gained from living with a disability enhance who you are and what you offer to others.
I enjoy dating and meeting people.
I attract people who see my disability as an asset.
I have the courage to let go of negative people to make room for people who see my value.
My disability adds to my value as a person.
I only accept people in my life who treat me well.
I deserve a fun, loving, and healthy relationship.
There’s someone out there who would love to be in a relationship with me.

Where Do We Go From Here?

“You must master a new way to think before you master a new way to be.” - Marianne Williamson
Saying these affirmations will help you focus on a new way to be, one that is confident in your worth, disability and all.
So much of dating is about your mindset and how you perceive yourself as a potential partner.
Grab the download for this episode, Affirmations for Confidently Dating. It has all the affirmations I just went through. Practice saying them, mentally focus on them, have them become part of a new way to be in the dating scene.

Resources

Free download - Affirmations for Confidently Dating

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During the many years I was single, the best advice I got was “You won’t be for everyone.” This came as a relief and it still surprises me that it was news to me at the time. Well, of course, I’m not for everyone! Duh!

But why did I focus on “everyone” needing to find me attractive?

I think my experience in putting a lot of weight and focus on the concept of “everyone” is a common dating trap.

Today we’re going to challenge the concept of “everyone” needing to find you attractive, being comfortable with you, or even accepting you.

It’s a Relief to Let Go of EveryoneThe person who said this to me actually conveyed it in a very loving way and with the intention of helping me to let go of my arduous efforts to impress all potential partners. And it worked! I began to breathe more deeply and relax into who I am, rather than what I was putting out there. In my dating years, I believed in the impossible – that all potential dating partners could work through their resistance toward my disability. After all, I go through life, knowing that certain people in general will just have difficulty accepting my disability…and people who would have a more intimate relationship with me, would not?! Ugh, arrogance!

When I received this gentle slap in the face of “You’re not for everyone,” it was actually welcomed. Ahh, this meant I could focus on those who were for me and let go of my false need for the others.

From Everyone to SomeoneRelaxing into this knowledge helped to foster my Power to Attract (see episode 10), meaning I could put my focus more on what I had to offer to the dating/relationship scene, than trying to draw someone to me. The Power to Attract is about focusing on our gifts and abilities. When you do this, you draw the right people to you.

On some level when you live with a disability, people will always look at what you don’t “have.” For better or worse, it’s human nature. Our job as people with disabilities, I believe, is to be open to all the gifts and lessons we bring to the many who are open to us. If you’re out there dating, knowing you’re not for everyone really helps clear the way for those who are drawn to you.

A Word About RejectionAnother area in dating where the word “everyone” trips us up is when we’re rejected. It could be by one person or ten, but we can believe that everyone is rejecting us. When we think that everyone is rejecting us, that can certainly negatively impact our self esteem and confidence.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Catch yourself when you find yourself falling into the “everyone” trap. It’s not true! Every single person does not believe what one or even 50 people believe.
Focus on the someones that are out there that will find you attractive, will want to get to know you, and will accept you.
Download the resource for this episode, The Power to Attract, to help you focus on the someones rather than everyone.

ResourcesFree download - The Power to Attract
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Everyone I interview for this podcast is special, but I have to admit today's guest might be the most special. Today, we're talking my husband, Scott, about what it's like to have a partner with a disability.

We also talk about:

His version of our first date and that memorable evening?
We’re coming up on the fifteenth anniversary of our first date. Scott talks about what he has learned in 15 years of having a partner with a disability.
What are challenges he continues to experience.
How he is affected by my increasing physical challenges as I get older.
How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.
Advice he would give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.
And advice for people without disabilities who may become partners.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Download the Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide in the show notes to help you in getting clear and feeling empowered about your disability in relationships.

Resources

Free download - Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

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It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. In this episode we’re going to over what you need to consider when breaking up with someone so that it’s done in a thoughtful and even loving way and not filled with drama.

Check In With Yourself

Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them. If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it. Ask yourself the following questions:

“Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”
Am I happy in this relationship?
Am I being treated the way I want to?
Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?
Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?
Do we have the same values?
Are we on the same page in our relationship?
Do we have support as a couple?
Am I growing as a person?
What else?

Examine the “Health” of a Relationship

Have the courage to speak up and say if something doesn’t feel right. Use “I statements” and speak from your power.Say what you need, knowing they may not be able to give it to you.

The reality of any relationship is that a person may not be able to give you what you need. Like rejection, this is not necessarily a reflection of you, but more of where they are at. It’s then up to you to decide on what you want to do in the relationship. Do you want to try to work through it or is it a sign that it’s not the right relationship for you?

The questions you should ask yourself are also great questions to ask your partner as a way of making sure you're on the same page about your relationship and the direction it is heading.

Knowing When to Leave

When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.
When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.
When you don’t feel respected or treated well.
When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.

Make sure you’re as happy and fulfilled in a relationship as you are NOT in one.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. Follow the steps we just went through if you find you’re unsure if you’re with the right person.
Download the resource guide Having Difficult Conversations to help you.

Resources

Free download - Having Difficult Conversations

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In any podcast about dating, at some point we need to talk about rejection. It’s a natural part of the dating process. Most of us endure rejection at some point. Rejection hurts and quite honestly, sucks. That said, the problem with rejection is we make it mean something negative about ourselves. What if we didn’t take rejection personally? Yes, I did just suggest you don’t take rejection to be about you. Hang on with me over the next few moments as I give you a different way of looking at rejection.

Don’t Let Rejection Stop You

Many people don’t date because they’re afraid of rejection. While this is understandable and trust me, I did this myself while I was single, it won’t ever get you the results you want.
I know someone who has never fully gotten over being rejected. Her boyfriend broke up with her 25 years ago and she has never dated again because she doesn’t want to experience that pain again. But what has happened is she has lived with the daily pain of being alone when she deeply wants to share her life with someone.
Sometimes we have to go through intense pain in order to get the bigger result we’re looking for.
I want to give you two ways of looking at rejection that may be helpful in better coping with it.

Preference and Feedback

Rejection is simply someone Indicating a preference, meaning the other person wants someone other than you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” about you. It means they want someone or something else.
Maybe you can even grow from the feedback you get when someone doesn't want to date you?
It may be cliche but often cliches speak the truth. Someone rejecting you really does clear the way for the right person to come into your life. Once I met my husband, I realized why no other relationship worked out - I would have never met him if they did.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Work on not taking rejection personally. It may feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Don’t let it define you and certainly don’t let any no mean you can’t have what you want most. See rejection as simply another person’s preference and setting you on the path you need to be on.
This week’s resource is on Who is Your Support System because rejection can be painful to deal with. You need to reach out for support. Get love and encouragement from others in your life.

Resources

Free download - Who is Your Support System?

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Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
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One of the most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people. I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.

Familiarity

Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.
Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

Try New Places

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.
Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities.
You never know what will come of it.

Online Dating

Online dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.
Do what feels right for you.
Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.
If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join.
It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.
Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success,

The Dating Profile

I have talked about doing a dating profile before in Episode 12. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this.
Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.
It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with.
Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies.
See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.

Here’s some potential things you can include in a dating profile:

What do you want people to know about you?
\What are you looking for in a relationship?
What kind of person do you want to date?
Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you.
While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships.
Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Make two short lists.
The first one list 5-10 things you’re involved in (committees, the gym, volunteer activities, etc).
The second list - three NEW activities you can partake in, either in person or virtually.
Then actually engage in these activities.

Resources

Free downloads - How to Meet People and The Dating Profile guides

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

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Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
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I recently heard the wisdom of “Attract, Don’t Chase” while listening to a business podcast. They were naturally talking about business opportunities but I think that is real sage advice for dating and relationships. Today’s episode will be short but very effective if you begin to practice it.

Chasing Does Not Attract

This is on a very small level, but for those of you on social media, have you encountered someone who sees you like their post or comment, reaches out to you to try to connect, and you sense they have an agenda? That’s chasing and for me, there’s always feels like there’s a desperate energy to it. It doesn’t draw you, ie, attract you to the other person.

I understand people are lonely and really want to connect but I believe that ultimately you connect more with people by pulling your energy inward to what you want in a relationship and what kind of person you want to be with.

The Power to Attract

Check out Episode 10 on How to Cultivate the Power to Attract. Focusing on what you draw to you, rather than pursuing someone, or maybe even trying to put your agenda on them, helps you to stay with yourself and your sense of confidence and power. When we are in attract mode, that tends to naturally increase our self esteem and confidence because we’re placing our energy on what we have to offer, rather than getting something. Think about how you have felt chasing someone or something. Yes, there can be a bit of a thrill in the challenge but it can also not feel encouraging or self affirming.

How to Put Attracting Into Practice

I want you to begin practicing attracting by noticing where you’re chasing in dating and relationships. Then ask yourself why are you chasing that particular person. What are you hoping to get from them? A certain feeling? Validation of some kind? Maybe you’re looking for feelings of loneliness to go away?

Be real honest with yourself. Then ask how can you focus on attracting in your life the very thing you’re looking outside you for.

Then work on identifying what within you, what qualities within you, can draw the very thing you desire.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Download the Relationship Vision guide in the show notes. It’s a very powerful exercise in helping you identify what you want to attract into your life and helping you to focus on that. The guide has you think about all the qualities in someone else that you want to attract into your life. You get them all down and then, this is where the magic happens, you begin saying the list you created every day until it’s ingrained into your thinking. Once this happens, you go automatically into attract mode versus chasing. I can tell you from personal experience, this exercise helped me to focus ultimately attracting my husband into my life.

Resources

Free download - The Relationship Vision guide

Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.

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Today we’re talking about the last strategy in our mini series on the four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. While all the strategies are critical, this is probably the most important one to do. Take action. Do something. Put yourself out there. Otherwise, how are you going to be successful dating?

Over my career, both as a mental health counselor and as a teacher and trainer in dating and relationships, I have encountered countless people who so desperately want to date but do nothing. And if this is you, I have immense compassion for you, even as I’m giving you some tough love, because I was like you for so many years. I wanted more than anything to meet someone and fall in love but I was just too afraid to do anything. I wasted so many years in fear. Don’t do that.

What’s Your Framework for Getting What You Want?

Take what you learned in this miniseries and actually put it into action to create what you want in your life. If you haven’t heard the who series, go back and begin listening to Episode 24. Don't just consume, apply it to your life! This is a framework for you to develop a personal plan for yourself on how will take steps to meet people, date, and develop happy relationships.

How Do I Meet Someone?

I’ll do a separate episode on strategies for this but here’s a preview. Address the classic question of “How do I meet people?” Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you. This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.

Take a look at new places. At the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?

The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.

Be willing to get out of your comfort zone

Think about what feels right for you, but be willing to get out of your comfort zone, try something new, and take risks that challenge you to grow and reach further toward your dreams.

Affirmations

What are three affirmations you're going to adopt from this guide or ones that you create to help increase your dating confidence?

Bold and Positive Communication

What are three ways you're going to begin to boldly and positively communicate with dates about your disability?

Where Do We Go From Here?Have you have included all of the above in your personal plan for dating? Then, congratulations! Fantastic work! You should feel very good about yourself for taking this workshop and doing this work. Keep you moving forward in building your confidence in yourself and taking action for dating and relationships. Download the mini guide of all four strategies in this series in the show notes to help you develop your personal plan for successful dating.

Resources

Free download - Strategies for Successful Dating with a Disability
You can also get the entire Four Strategies for Successful Dating with a Disability Workshop, along with the extensive resource guide that comes with it and takes you through applying each strategy, for just $27 at the link in the show notes.

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Today we’re talking about strategy #3 in our four part series on four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. Strategy 3 is about looking at how you communicate about your disability. And I’m not just talking about disclosing your disability. Check out episode 12 for that.

Today I want to discuss how do you talk about your disability in general. Is it positive? Affirming? How do you feel when you talk about your disability?

This is an important indicator for potential dates. I remember one of the first dates I went on as a young teenager was with another person with Cerebral Palsy. My biggest takeaway from that date was not liking how much he seemed to focus on what he could not do. Even before I was able to understand how we all put out a certain kind of energy, I knew I didn’t want to around that energy. When I came home and my mom asked how the date was, I told her definitely that I would not be going on another date with that person.

What’s Your Communication Strategy?

Do you have a communication strategy for talking about your disability? It’s important to have one. Here’s mine. Sometimes I’ll have people ask me what’s wrong with me. I always reframe this right away because there’s not a thing wrong with me. Well, my husband and son my disagree with me on that, but you know what I mean. The fact that my physical body has Cerebral Palsy does not indicate anything wrong. It’s merely a condition of my body. Me reframing that for people is a communication strategy of mine.

I always recommend talking about your disability in the most natural way. Brainstorm some conversation topics about your life and what interests you. These topics will come in handy as you have initial conversations with potential dates and while on initial dates.

Some topics can include family, friends, hobbies, work, and recreational interests.

Think about how you can include your disability in a natural way into the conversation.

Putting It Into Practice

An example is past stories of how your family and friends support you as a person with a disability.
Are there perhaps funny stories of how people in you life figured out how to make an impromptu accommodation for you or advocated for you?
It’s important that you share what you're comfortable with.
Develop your own strategy for figuring out when it feels right for you to talk on the phone and/or meet in person.
How do you want someone to have the "full effect" of you?
If, after a couple of exchanges, someone doesn’t bring up your disability, begin to talk about it.
Don't ignore the elephant in the room.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Brainstorm positive ways you can bring your disability into the conversation.
It can be as simple as "So how are you doing with my disability?" or "What do you want to know about it?”
If they don’t know what to ask, offer some background information.
Download the Free download - Communicate Boldly and Positively About Your Disability guide in the show notes.

Resources

Free download - Communicate Boldly and Positively About Your Disability
You can also get the entire Four Strategies for Successful Dating with a Disability Workshop, along with the extensive resource guide that comes with it and takes you through applying each strategy, for just $27 at the link in the show notes.

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We’re back for strategy #2 in our mini series on the Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability. How do you describe yourself to potential dates? Do you sound like someone a person would like to get to know? Are you thinking “Ummm….I’m not sure?” Well, then we need to talk about that because how you describe yourself is SOOOO important.

My friend, it actually begins with the dating profile. Now, I already did a show on the dating profile in episode #12. Go back and listen to it again. It’s a short one. Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps YOU get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.

Practice

Do the work! You may dread writing a dating profile. Do it anyway. Take time to really think about how you present yourself. This is not about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about pulling out ALL THAT YOU ARE and showing potential dates (as well as yourself) that.
This week the free resource that goes with the show is called How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile. The “kick butt” part of it is that if you follow the guide, you’ll write a positive, true reflection of who you are. By writing this, you’ll feel more confident in presenting yourself to dates.
There are many questions in the Kick Butt Dating Guide. Really take time to marinate on how you answer these questions.

The Result

The result of looking at how you describe yourself is that you will feel more clear and confident about how you’re describing yourself to others. This will naturally increase your confidence level for dating and relationships. So much of the work involved in being successful in dating and relationships is about how you view yourself and how you project that into the world. It helps so much to be conscious of the language you use to describe yourself.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I have homework for you. If you’re listening to this podcast, you probably want to make changes in your life via more successful dating and attracting healthy, happy relationships.
I said it earlier. You got to do the internal work that turns you into the partner you want to be that draws that amazing love into your life.
If you don’t have it, download The Dating Profile guide in the show notes and actually do it! Go through the prompts to help you in either writing or rewriting your dating profile.
When you’re done, notice how you feel differently about how you describe yourself.

Resources

Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability
You can also get the entire Four Strategies to Dating with a Disability Workshop, along with the extensive resource guide that comes with it and takes you through applying each strategy, for just $27 at the link in the show notes.

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We’re beginning a mini-series over the next few weeks, based on my workshop, Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability. Each week I’ll give you bit size tips for how to tackle each strategy. The strategies are:

Increasing “dating confidence”
Writing a kick butt dating profile - even if you’re not doing online dating
Communicating effectively with a date about your disability
Developing a personal plan for how to TAKE THE RIGHT ACTION for dating success

These strategies will help you with these results:

Building self esteem specific to dating
Creating clarity and empowerment
Communicating with confidence
Taking consistent action toward what you want

The Key to Making it Work

You actually need to do each of the four strategies, even if you’re scared! Look I know dating with a disability is tough. I spent much of my single life avoiding it because I didn’t want to deal with the pain. And if I’m really honest, I thought I wouldn’t be able to to handle the pain. But guess what? I was and so are you because if we stop resisting the pain and open up to it, we learn the pain will not destroy us but strengthen us.
So make a promise to yourself, right here, right now, to do each of these strategies and trust yourself that you can handle whatever feelings come up for you.
Every episode in this mini series will have a guide that corresponds with each strategy. Download the guides and use them.

Strategy 1 - Positive Beliefs About Yourself

Developing healthy, positive core beliefs about yourself builds a solid foundation that leads to successful dating and relationships.
A core belief is a thought you have about yourself that shapes most of your words, actions, thoughts, and feelings.
Positive core beliefs results in increased confidence, healthier relationships, and more general success. I am beginning here because people who feel good about themselves are much more prone to dating success and healthy relationships.
When we think well of ourselves, we tend to draw others who will do the same.
Whatever we believe (positive or negative) strengthens. For example, if you believe you’re “undateable,” that will be most likely what you experience - not dating and/or having relationships that are not fulfilling or happy.
And on the other hand, if you have positive beliefs, you will draw that into your life.
I am a person of great worth.
My disability adds to my value as a person.
I have much to offer someone and bring to a relationship.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Download the free resource
Do this - pick 3 statements from the download or come up with three positive statements about yourself and notice the changes in what you feel and think about in the next 30 days. Yes, say them to yourself for 30 days.
You can also get the entire Four Steps to Successful Dating with a Disability Workshop, along with the extensive resource guide that comes with it and takes you through applying each strategy, for just $27.

Resources

Free download - 10 Statements to Boost Your Dating Confidence
Four Steps to Successful Dating with a Disability Workshop

Please leave us a review to let us know what you think about the podcast and so others can learn about the podcast.

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Bryony Grealish is a food influencer, speaker, trainer, No Thumbs Chef Challenge show host, and is the owner of The Fingerless Kitchen, LLC. A Syracuse native, Brie is a wife and mom to two vibrant, sweet boys.

She was born with a rare genetic condition called Ectrodactyly. Bryony uses her disability as a tool for change, showing the world that you don’t need thumbs to cook. The Fingerless Kitchen is changing perspectives and beliefs on what you thought was possible!

The goal is to inspire people with disabilities to learn how to cook. Bryony is taking her passion for cooking and creative problem solving to the screen. She wants to show everyone that our limitations are opportunities to do something different and unique, encouraging people with disabilities to find courage in their kitchens and turn their skills and dreams into a business.

Brie is a WISE Women’s Business Center board member in Syracuse, NY. In addition, she has been featured in an impressive array of local publications and shows. Including a television interview with WCNY Move to Include Initiative, a Cover story for the Syracuse Women Magazine, Syracuse’s Bridge Street morning talk show, CBS News 5, Street Talk on 93Q, and more.

Brie and I discuss:

Her work in the disability field
Her personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities
How she and her husband brought her disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship
Some issues that emerged in parenting as a result of her disability
The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships
How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners
Advice for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships

Resources

Bryony’s website The Fingerless Kitchen
Bryony’s awesome Instagram feed

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I recently was working with someone on his mindset around dating. He was saying how he had difficulty seeing what he had to offer in a relationship, although he would desperately like to have one. He went on to talk about how he doesn’t have a job, how he doesn’t drive, how he hasn’t dated in a long time, and the list went on.

When he got done, I asked “How much time do you spend thinking about what you DO have to offer?” He opened his mouth to say something and then laughed. “I never thought about it that way,” he admitted.

Today we’re going to talk about managing your mind for better outcomes for dating.

Where’s Your Focus?

If you want to date but your thoughts are filled with what’s “wrong” with you, you won’t get far. We often think our feelings cause our thoughts when in reality, the opposite is true. Our thoughts cause our feelings.
So if we’re thinking about all our flaws and what we lack, we’re not going to feel too good about ourselves. We’re certainly not going to feel like we’re “date worthy” material.
We tend to set ourselves up for failure by what we think.

How to Manage Your Mind

The most effective way to produce more desired results in your life is learn how to manage your mind. Here’s what I mean by that - first, you become aware of your thoughts and then begin catching yourself when you have a negative thought. You then redirect your focus to a thought that is going to better serve you.
How this looks in action is you may have a thought that you don’t work and therefore, you don’t have a lot to offer in terms of finances. You realize this thought doesn’t make you feel good and you ask yourself, what can I offer? Maybe it’s a friendly personality, maybe you’re a great cook, or really know how to treat someone well. You then redirect your mind, almost like it’s a little kid, to focus on those thoughts in place of the negative ones.
This is how we manage our thoughts, aka, our minds. This is the most effective strategy I used to find dating and relationship success in my life.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Where is your attention when it comes to dating and relationships? Are your thoughts blocking your success or creating it? Are you managing your thoughts to love on yourself or tear yourself down?
Your mind is the most powerful tool you own. Use it to put your focus and mental energy on what will increase your self esteem and confidence in dating.
Download the free resource in the show notes, 10 Affirmations for Dating Confidently with a Disability. The download not only gives you the affirmations, but tells you why they work. It will help retrain your mind to focus on the positive, rather than the negative.

Resources

Free download 10 Statements to Boost Your Confidence for Dating with a Disability

Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.

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Today, I'm interviewing Katherine McLaughlin, CEO and Lead Trainer of Elevatus Training.

Katherine is certified as a sexuality educator by AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) and is the Founder of Disability Workshops, now Elevatus Training. She is the author of Sexuality Education for People with Developmental Disabilities Curriculum and also develops educational materials for others to use in teaching and communicating.

As national leaders in the field of sexuality and intellectual, developmental disabilities and autism we offer evidence and trauma informed curriculum, online training, in-services and workshops to help professionals, educators, self-advocates and parents skillfully and confidently navigate the topic of sexuality.

In today's conversation, we discuss:

How her work in sexuality education for people with disabilities has evolved over the years
Advocating for legislation for sexuality education for people with disabilities
The curriculum Elevatus Training uses for sexuality education for people with disabilities
The challenges of people with disabilities in dating
The continuing beliefs and attitudes in society that lead to misperceptions about sexuality and people with disabilities
Katherine's own journey with her disability as a wife and mother
Advice Katherine has for people with disabilities in dating and relationships

Resources

Elevatus Training

Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.

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Success in dating and relationships require support from people outside the relationship. This can be particularly true for people with disabilities. Because, let’s face it, dating in general is hard and dating with a disability can often be much harder, but very possible. We just need support along the way. Today we’ll discuss how to identify support and effectively use it.

Why Having a Support System is So Helpful

If you’re single, you need people to encourage you, listen to you, give you advice.
If you’re in a relationship, a mutual desire to nurture friendships, both as a couple and individually, is good for the overall health of a relationship.
“It takes a village to raise a healthy relationship.” We need feedback and experiences with others to grow a relationship.
As you grow support as a couple, this nurtures your relationship.

How to Identify Supports

Find support - go to trusted friends, family members, or even professionals to help you recognize all the positives within you.
It is important for you to begin to recognize the positive qualities within yourself and working with a mental health professional can be effective in learning this.
Use these people to talk about what you’re feeling, questions you have, and challenges you’re facing.
Turn to people you trust for support, not so they tell you what to do or shape your opinions, but they give you good, honest, loving feedback.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Teamwork and problem-solving - a good relationship is not about having few problems, but how well we can work through the problems that naturally arise and how well we reach out for support.
Sometimes as a single person or a couple, you may need help from others.
Who is your support system for dating and relationships?

Resources

Free download - Who’s Your Support System guide

Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.

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I have such a treat for you today. If you’re listening to this episode close to when this episode is published, Happy Valentine’s Day! I know that Valentine’s Day can be a challenge for some of you who are out there dating so I wanted to offer you some inspiration today in the form of a happy, grounded couple.

I’m interviewing Jessica Kramer and Seth Dikeman. Jessica is an Access Specialist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Seth is a musician and a music instructor.

I met Jessica, who was a disability studies graduate student at the time, about five years ago at a World CP Day event. We clicked and began occasionally meeting for coffee and Jessica, who also has cerebral palsy, wrote some blogs for my website which are linked up in the show notes.

As a thank you for her blogs, I gave her access to my online course, Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed. A couple months later I received an email from Jessica that said:

"Your course that focuses on self acceptance and self love. For me, that is the best lesson anyone can learn. The first step to dating is loving yourself. I also started seeing someone and it’s the best relationship I've ever had. Your course helped my confidence and I thank you for that. "

A couple months ago I received this text from Jessica: Seth proposed and we’re getting married!

Today we’re talking to Jessica and Seth about their relationship and how it has progressed. We cover the following topics:

Jessica’s dating experience prior to meeting Seth and some of the challenges around dating with a disability.

The progression of your relationship and how they brought Jessica’s disability into the relationship.

What has changed about your relationship.

What was different for Seth about dating someone with a disability. What drew him to Jessica.

How Seth approached Jessica’s disability that was different from others.

What advice they would give to people with disabilities out there dating or trying to date and meet the right person.

What advice they would give to someone dating a person with a disability.

Resources

If you would like to check out the online course that Jessica took right before she met Seth on Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed.
The Five Love Languages (book)

Please leave a review of the show.

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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

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Today we’re talking with Anna Hayek, Instructor and Heart of Operations at Mad Hatter Wellness, which specializes in sexuality and healthy relationship training. We talk about the resources and services Mad Hatter Wellness. Mad Hatter has in person and virtual trainings, as well as online courses.

Upcoming ConferenceMad Hatter has their annual Heart of Relationships happening now through February 18, 2022. It’s all virtual. Registration link in below. It’s a great way to connect with others invested in healthy relationships for people with disabilities. Scholarships are also available for those who need it.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Anna gives advice about talking with others in your pursuit of healthy relationships and being happy with yourself.

Resources

Mad Hatter Wellness Website

Virtual Heart of Relationships Conference Feb 7-18

Linktree with many of Mad Hatter's main links

Sexuality for All Abilities Book

Online Courses

Newsletter Sign UpPlease leave this podcast a review!

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I once dated a guy who would say things to me like “I wonder how many people see us together and think you’re my client.” Yeah, very uncool. He also said, “My friend told me she thinks it’s so great that I’m dating someone with dating someone with a disability,” in a tone that was very heroic. Even further uncool to say. Needless to say, that relationship gratefully ended. It was a time in my life in which I was young and still didn’t know how to bring my disability into a relationship in an empowered way. Today we’re talking about how to do just that - bringing your disability into relationships so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship and that both of you can talk openly and honestly about it.

Take Your Disability Along for the RideIncorporate your disability into relationships. Communicate about the challenges a disability brings to a relationship, problem solve about it, and most important, have a sense of humor about it. Give your relationship room to be real about your disability and how both of you are affected by it. I would encourage you to discuss and even role play how they would talk about their disability in relationships.

If both people in a relationship have disabilities, don’t assume the other person will always “get” your disability because we all approach and live with a disability in our own way. Some examples of how to communicate about your disability are “How are you feeling about me having a disability?” “What is it like for you to help me with _________?” “What do your friends say about my disability?”

Vital to Remember

Your disability does not take away from your beauty. It only contributes to it.
When YOU believe in your beauty and how your disability adds to it, others will see that too.
Living with a disability is hard work. That difficulty “builds character” (corny but true) adds spice to who you are, makes you more interesting, and let’s face it, makes life far from boring.

Communicate with Confidence About Your Disability

Have the courage to talk openly about your disability with whoever you're dating.
We waste much time playing guessing games and we don’t need to.
Take a deep breath and let someone know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.
Be okay with a little discomfort…you never know what will come of it.
People will not always immediately be at ease with you. If they’re showing a genuine interest, but unsure how to act or respond to you, don’t be too quick to cut them off.
Give them the lead on how you want to be treated.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Think about how you may bring your disability into relationships in a way that feels right for you. Practice this in your current relationships with friends and family.
Just because you haven’t had success in this area, doesn’t mean that will always be the case. Success can happen at any time and with meeting the right person for you. Keep believing!
Download the Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide in the show notes to help you in getting clear and feeling empowered about your disability in relationships.

Resources

Free download - Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide
Please leave us a review!

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I was originally going to do this podcast on boundaries, but I realized that what may be more helpful is to talk about the importance of saying NO as a way of developing healthy boundaries. We have to learn to say NO to what does not feel good or right. Never be afraid to say “NOOOO” to anyone. Communicate immediately to a person you trust if someone has done anything you’re uncomfortable with.

Saying No to Subtle Discomforts

It’s equally important that you say NO to interactions and communication that is not outright abuse, but still makes you feel uncomfortable or violated in any way.

Examples:

Touch on the knee, thigh, or back that does not feel right.
A hug or kiss that doesn’t feel right.
A term of endearment (i.e. honey or baby) way too soon.
Unwanted calls, texts, or emails.
Flashes of jealousy.
Control issues.
Not listening.

Developing Healthy Boundaries

Check in with yourself about how you're feeling.
If something doesn't feel right, communicate about it.
How do you check in with yourself?
Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them.
If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it.
Ask yourself “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”

Leaving

Lastly, we need to know when to leave a relationship. Here’s some examples:

When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.
When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.
When you don’t feel respected or treated well.
When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Learn to say no as a way of developing healthy boundaries. Say no to subtle discomforts as much as blatant ones.
Use the download in the show notes to help you identify how you can be safe in relationships and have healthy boundaries in relationships.
Allow it to help you get clarity on what you may need to work on to feel happy and safe in relationships.

Resources

Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist.
Please leave us a review!

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Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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A foundation to success in dating and relationships is being safe and feeling empowered in all your interactions. This includes not being taken advantage of physically, emotionally, sexually, or financially. It also includes not being manipulated in any way. Freedom from abuse doesn’t always happen in dating and relationships. This is the case for people without disabilities and especially true for the disabled.

We have to talk about this…

According to 2017 U.S Justice Department statistics, people with intellectual disabilities are seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted.
As many as 83% of women with developmental disabilities and 32% of men are victims of sexual assault.
For most people with developmental disabilities, their first "sexual" (and I use that term loosely) encounter is rape.
Only about 3% of perpetrators of people with disabilities serve time.
49% of people with developmental disabilities suffer from chronic sexual abuse.
National Public Radio Series on the prevalence of sexual assaults to people with intellectual disabilities.
Search “NPR Abused and Betrayed”

How This Can Be Prevented

At the core of helping to prevent assault and abuse are these very preventable steps to take:
Develop and maintain strong personal boundaries help protect from abuse. Listen to your gut!
Be informed about sex and sexuality. Hungry for information, people who are uninformed might find themselves with dangerous people and in dangerous places.
Be open to opportunities to learn and grow so that you feel empowered in relationships.
IT IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE PERSON SUFFERING FROM ABUSE AND ASSAULT.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s so important that we not only keep safety in mind when pursuing dating and relationships, but feel empowered to demand it in our interactions. Don’t demand less of yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, name it, say it out loud, talk about it. Do it not only for yourself, but also collectively for all people with disabilities. Let’s get those high number of assaults and abuse down.
If you need help with this, grab the download in today’s show notes, Do I Feel Safe?
One final tip - get a support system for yourself for dating and relationships. Have a few trusted friends you can talk to when you not only have a safety concern, but just about dating and relationships in general. I’ll be doing a podcast on this in the near future.

Resources

Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist.

Credits
Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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Last week we discussed whether or not to use dating sites and apps. We talked about how that’s an individual choice and up to your comfort level. This week we’re talking about safety on dating sites and apps, not to mention, social media in general.

Over the years I have heard from many people encountering others asking for money, credit card information, and pressuring to meet before somebody was ready. These events can lead to dating sites and apps feeling unsafe.

Look Within to Feel Safe

We look out by first looking within. This means you get in the habit of checking in with yourself. You check in with yourself by getting quiet and spending some time to go inward and ask:
Am I happy in this relationship?
Am I being treated the way I want to?
Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?
Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?
Do we have the same values?
Would I feel comfortable with this person?
Do you want to like the person just so you don’t feel lonely?
Want a checklist of these questions, download the Do I Feel Safe guide in the show notes.

What to Look Out For?

This is not an all encompassing list by any means, but here’s some tips for what to look out for:
Profiles with blurry photos
Vague answers to your questions
Anyone who wants to meet right away
Someone not listening to you
Someone who wants to talk about sex too soon
Anyone who asks for money or credit card information
Someone who asks to meet you at your home or their home
Someone who demonstrates a flash of anger while getting to know you. Share my story.
Anyone who you just get a gut feeling about something being off. The gut is always right.
Grab the download for the Safety Checklist in the show notes.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Remember dating sites and apps can be a great way to meet potential dates, but you have to keep safety in the forefront. Use dating sites and apps with caution. Check in with yourself frequently and let your answers help guide you in making decisions about whether to pursue certain people or not.

Resources

Podcast Survey - https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/522XXRC
Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist.

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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I have to begin with one of the “disadvantages” I have in my work. I’m married, happily married at that. It’s a wonderful facet of my life, but it does give me a distinct drawback when knowing what are the best dating sites and apps out there. And of course, the information about dating sites and apps is always changing. So this is not a podcast about what the best sites and apps are, but rather the approach and mindset that would be the most helpful if you choose to do dating sites and apps. Notice I said choose to. Like everything else with dating, using sites and apps is a choice. This can be helpful to remember that it’s really up to you if you use them as a tool in your dating quest.

Do What’s Right For YouOnline dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people, especially as we continue to socially distance. However, it’s definitely not for everyone. Do what feels right for you. Naturally, make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person. We’ll talk in more detail about online safety in the next couple of weeks.

What To Consider With Online Dating

Photos! Look through photos and find at least five good photos of yourself. This may seem obvious, but make sure they are flattering and that you're smiling. If your disability is evident from your appearance, consider using at least one photo that shows that.
Spend time on your dating profile. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.
The dating profile helps you with a number of things. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.
Next week we’ll take an even deeper dive into how to make a dating profile work for you and why it’s so crucial, even if you’re not doing online dating.

Where Do We Go From Here?Where to begin with online dating? There’s endless choices for dating sites and apps. I recommend you spend some time looking at what’s out there, but don’t go into the dating app rabbit hole. Settle on 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. I recommend you stay with a site at last three months before switching. I think it can take that long before you can get what I call “traction” on a dating site or app.

A lot of people say online dating sites and apps are full of scammers, which can certainly be true. There’s also many people, including myself, that have met their life partner through a dating site. I believe dating sites and apps can be a very viable way to meet people.

Resources

Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.

The Real Purpose of a Dating Profile

A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.
Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships.
Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.

Questions To Consider When Writing Your Dating Profile

What are some of your strengths?
What are some qualities you are proud of and feel happy about?
How would you describe your personality?
What do you want people to know about you?
What are you looking for in a relationship?
What kind of person do you want to date?

Where Do We Go From Here?

Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.
Download the guide - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability.

Resources

Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week we’re talking about a widely debated topic - when to disclose your disability to a date. Some people suggest waiting a while for people to get to know you. Others, including myself, recommend doing it right away, even in the dating profile. Ultimately, like with anything on this podcast, you need to do you. But for the purpose on today’s chat, we’re going to talk about the pros of disclosing either in a dating profile or soon after you are in contact with a potential date.

Disclosing Can Be EmotionalDisclosing, telling a potential date about your disability, can be an emotional issue for many. People often fear judgments and rejection if they share disability information too soon. It’s all very understandable. Your disability is part of who you are. In many cases, there is no “hiding” its presence. If another person is going to have a problem with it, wouldn’t you want to know that upfront? This doesn’t mean that you need to share everything right away. It means that you share your disability, in the same way, you may share about your looks.

How to DiscloseYour date takes the cue from you about how to view your disability. If you describe it in a positive way, they are likely to see it that way too. Try these different ways of how to disclose and talk about your disability as you do so:

Talk about how your disability shapes who you are. This lets your potential date understand how your disability is an important part of you. Statements such as "My disability has made me the person I am," is great to use.
Talk about the person you are and the things you like and do while possibly incorporating your disability. Statements such as "I cruise all over in my wheelchair," says that you're an active person who likes to get out and happens to use a wheelchair.
Talk about your disability related interests and activities. This can be a subtle way of sharing about your disability if you talk about what groups you may be involved with, such as a self-advocacy group.
Invite questions and conversation about your disability. Use statements such as "Feel free to ask me questions about it." This sends the message that you’re comfortable with yourself and your disability and this attribute will put others at ease. It also demonstrates a trait that most people are drawn to – a sense of empathy.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Disclosing a disability and at what point you do so is something that only you can determine based on your comfort level. My advice is to disclose pretty early on so that you aren’t wasting time with people who won’t get to know you simply because you live with a disability.
Practice disclosing to yourself, family, and friends. Get comfortable with disclosing.
Access the download that goes with this episode. It will help guide you through the benefits of disclosing and the various ways we talked about for disclosing.

Resources

Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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In my Dating, Relationships, and Disability framework I talk about the Power to Attract, which is when you begin focusing on how you are attractive (in all ways - physically, emotionally, personality, etc) and how your disability adds to who you are, you will draw others to you that will think the same. You are completely in control of this.Why the Power to Attract is so important?

People with disabilities can often feel like they’re not attractive enough due to the differences caused by their disability.
The Power to Attract relates directly to one's recognition and ability to bring forth their strengths and most endearing qualities of oneself.
Your sense of attraction is another core belief about yourself.
You attract others because of much more than your looks.
You attract people to you because of your inner qualities - your personality, how you treat others, your perspective on the world, etc.
The most influential factor that can either promote or hinder one's sexuality is people's ability to own their Power to Attract.
This is your ability to attract others to you.
It is completely up to you how much you shine your Power to Attract.

Thoughts/Beliefs That Strengthen Your Power to Attract

Believing that you and only you decide how attractive you are.
Your attractiveness is independent of the opinions of others.
Believing that others will be drawn to your positive qualities and how you handle the challenges you face.
Believing there is someone out there wanting to date you. It sometimes helps to imagine someone, an actual person, out there wanting to meet you and spend time with you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Focus and believe in ALL you have to offer to a relationship. When people are dating, they are looking for what others have to offer and not what they lack.
You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.
Your disability is most likely with you for life, you’re going to want someone who will see it as part of you and part of your Power to Attract.

Resources

Tell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.
Free download - How to Cultivate Your Power to Attract

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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If you’re listening to this around the time it’s published, it is the holiday season and if you’re single, you may be having a hard time with feeling lonely and longing to be with someone. You are not alone. I recently asked a group of single people with disabilities about their feelings during the holidays. Their responses included wondering why they are still single, missing loved ones, and wanting someone to cuddle by the fire with.

I remember feeling so lonely for many years during the holiday season as I gathered with family and friends who were all creating families of their own. These are all very human, very understandable responses. This episode is about how to cope with these feelings and how to actually use them for your benefit.

Acknowledge How You Feel

Many times when you’re feeling hard emotions like loneliness and longing, it can help significantly to just acknowledge how you feel. Now you may think “Why would I want to admit feeling sad or despair from not having anyone in my life?” Facing your feelings like this can actually provide an emotional release because you’re no longer pretending they don’t exist or pushing the feelings down.
It’s helpful to remember an emotion is part of you, but not all of you. Don’t be afraid of emotions overtaking you, they won’t. Most emotions, when we’re really present to them and feel them, they only last 90 seconds.
It’s also helpful that you don’t judge yourself for having such emotions. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you’re having a hard time. Few things can make you feel worse than judgment on top of a challenging emotion.

Use How You Feel for Fuel

Looking back on my single years and the loneliness I felt during the holidays, one of the most important things I did is use my feelings to motivate me to continue taking risks to put myself out there to date and meet someone.
I wanted that vision of waking up with my own family and cuddles by the fire.
How can you take your struggle with being single this holiday season and all the feelings that come with it to help propel you further toward that vision you have for yourself.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Use what you’re struggling with and feeling to make the changes you want.
Just because you're this holiday season, doesn’t mean you won’t be next.
To help you, this week I have a choice of three downloads to help you with getting through being single during the holidays. You can download one or all three. They are:
The 3, 2, 1 plan, which was the download related to Episode 9. A quick review of it is you choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re going to take to get in the dating scene.
The Relationship Vision - it will seem like a silly exercise, but it’s so helpful in you getting clear about what you’re looking for in a partner. The guide helps you focus on what qualities in another person you want to attract to you.
10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Resources

Podcast Survey
3, 2, 1 Plan
Relationship Vision
10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week we’re talking about what I think is the most important piece of DRD framework for getting results, Taking Action. Yes, actually taking all that you desire for dating and relationships and doing something, even taking risks and possibly failing at times, but moving forward toward what you want. This is important for you to hear: I think most people have a hard time initiating dating, or as I say, putting yourself out there. It’s scary and awkward and who wants to feel that?

But What Else Are You Going To Do?

Think about this, if you’re not taking any action to try to meet people and date, what else are you going to do to get what you want? The love of your life is not going to show up on your doorstep.
What is one small thing you do to get yourself in the dating mode? Tell a friend you’re ready to date and to keep her in mind among her friends. Check out various dating apps. Join a new group or volunteer activity as a way of meeting new people.
Whatever it is, do something to move from dreaming about dating and relationships to doing.

Remember to Work on Your Beliefs While You Take Action

If you listen to episodes 4 and 5 we talk about positive beliefs about yourself and about ways to build dating confidence. You really need to continue this mental work while you take action. The believing and the doing go hand in hand.
Chances are you may take action to date while you feeling scared and vulnerable. This is totally normal. Rely on your positive thoughts and increasing confidence in these moments.
Tell yourself you have what it takes and then go and do it.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Now that you decided, okay I actually do need to do something about dating, organize yourself and your plan to date.
I’m going to recommend the 3,2, 1 plan for you and here how it goes. You’re going to choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You’re going to next pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re going to take to get in the dating scene.

Resources

Podcast Survey
Free download - 3, 2, 1 Plan

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week I have my first guest on the show, Pam Malin, from Disability Rights Wisconsin. Pam is an Advocacy Specialist and a Project Coordinator and has been working for decades to promote healthy relationships for people with disabilities.

We talk about people need to speak up and advocate for their rights for healthy relationships.
Pam talks about how her interest in healthy relationships began after learning about the high statistics of abuse among people with disabilities.
The issue of guardianship as a partnership is introduced through a story that Pam shares.
We talk about the need for people to have access to information as a means for making good decisions.
How society can change and grow to further accept people with disabilities as relationship partners is discussed. Pam mentions how society needs specific examples of people breaking through barriers.
Isolation continues to be a barrier to people making connections.
The issue of safety online is also discussed.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Finding a support network is crucial.
Society has to learn to view people with disabilities as sexual beings.

Resources

Podcast Survey to provide feedback on what you would like to see in future episodes.
Contact Kathy O’Connell at kathy@radiantabilities.com if you’re interested in joining the Healthy Relationship working group that she and Pam run.
Learn more about Pam at Disability Rights Wisconsin. https://disabilityrightswi.org/

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week we’re discussing the last part of the DRD framework, developing problem strategies for being in relationship. When a relationship happens, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. The ability to problem solve in dating and relationships is essential. Sometimes when problems emerge in a relationship, we feel scared and vulnerable. We may feel we’re inadequate or we’re being rejected. Sometimes we react by shutting down and that can destroy our relationship when in reality we may just have to develop our problem solving muscle.

What’s A Problem Solving Muscle?

All relationships have issues. A good relationship is not about having few problems but how well two people work through the problems they have.
Especially if you’re new to relationships, it’s helpful to keep in mind that problem solving is a skill that we develop by using it, much like a muscle.
You begin to develop this skill, build this muscle, like you get good at everything else - by practice.

The Basic Relationship Skills

For simplicity, let’s look at the two fundamental skills of problem solving, particular in relationships - communicating and listening. If you can do these well, it will save you a lot of heartache in relationships when problems arise.
For listening, the key, and I’m saying this as much to myself as I am to all of you, is to shut up, close your mouth, mute yourself on zoom if needed. Just take in what another is saying to you without feeling the need to put in your two cents.
For communicating and in order to clearly communicate, check in with yourself first to really understand what you’re thinking and feeling before you communicate your concern to another.

Where Do We Go From Here?

This may sound counterintuitive, but I’d like you to consider embracing problems in relationships and building up your confidence that you can effectively handle them.
Practice strengthening that problem solving muscle with people in your life now, whether they’re family, friends, coworkers, or the person you’re in relationship with.
See problems not so much as a threat to a relationship but an opportunity to work through a block in the relationship that could be making it better.

Resources

Podcast Survey
Free download - 3 Fundamental Skills for Relationship Success

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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Sometimes we can get so focused on the dating side of things, trying to attract someone, and trying to find the right person, we forget about the other 80% of work that comes from dating and relationships. That’s right 80% and that’s just my very rough, unresearched estimation of the amount of energy and skill involved in maintaining a relationship. This week we talk about the third component of the DRD framework - what to do when you have a relationship and how to nurture it.

Relationships 101

Naturally, there’s a lot of ground to cover with relationships in general and more so when one lives with a disability. That’s why I created this podcast, so we can take a deeper dive into it all.
Let’s begin with the basics - do you like them and they like you? It seems like a nobrainer, but there’s many couples who are together because one person showed an interest and/or it’s just convenient.
And if you like to just be with them, have you considered if they meet your criteria for a partner. You do have a criteria, don’t you?

Relationship Criteria

Acknowledgement that sometimes you may just want to date and have fun without thinking about it becoming too serious.
But when you are looking for something a little more serious, do you first consider what you’re looking for in both a relationship and a partner? You know, are there enough things in common to enjoy together when the infatuation wears off? Do they have enough of the same values as you as a person? Let’s take a very broad example. Often people who, let’s say, are more expansive in their thinking and approach to people may have a challenging time being in an intimate relationship with someone who is more structured and categorize in their thinking. How about that for being diplomatic?
Once you gotten to know someone, do you then ask yourself do they meet your criteria for what you’re looking for?

Where Do We Go From Here?

This podcast is called Dating, Relationships, and Disability for a reason. I’ve always said that I just don’t want PWD to date. I want them to have happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.
If you’re out there dating and you’re unclear about what you want in a relationship, please, please download the guide in the show notes on having a relationship vision. Now, it will seem like a silly exercise, but it’s so helpful in you getting clear about what you’re looking for in a partner. The guide helps you focus on what qualities in another person you want to attract to you. Provide an example.
Trust me, this exercise is so helpful. I would read it daily for years. Yes, dating involves time and patience. But my husband has so many of the qualities I wrote about nearly ten years before I met him.

Resources

Podcast Survey
Free download - Relationship Vision

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week we’re talking about the second core principle, or table leg, to my DRD framework- dating confidence. I hear frequently, and I felt this way also when I was single, “I’m pretty confident in general, but when it comes to dating, it’s another story.”

Why is it the dating scene feels so much different than other areas of our lives? One word - vulnerability.
Dating and relationships add this extra special layer of vulnerability when we’re in them that can affect confidence.

Confidence and Vulnerability

The two can coexist and can actually be strengthened by one another.
If you want to dive more deeply into the topic of vulnerability, I recommend reading or watching anything by Brene Brown. She has a treasure chest of wisdom on vulnerability. One of them being “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”
I believe the best way to grow dating confidence is to actually acknowledge how vulnerable you feel. It’s often when we fight against our vulnerability that it weakens our confidence because we’re spending so much mental energy defending against feeling vulnerable.

Growing Dating Confidence

Begin by taking some action. Look we can talk about confidence all we want, but we need to combine it with taking some type of action. It can be small. Check out a dating app, share with a friend you’re thinking about dating, make eye contact and smile at someone you find attractive.
Replace those negative messages you give yourself, you know the ones that tend to tear down your confidence, with more positive ones. Love on yourself. See Ep 4.
When you don’t feel confident, ask yourself, “If I were to feel confident in this moment, how would I think, feel and act?” And then do so. It’s not faking it, it’s practicing.

Where Do We Go From Here?

You’ll hear me say repeatedly here that much of the work of DRD begins with you. Yes, you listening while you get dress, wait for a ride, or much away on the rest of the Oreo cheesecake in the fridge. You, who longs for companionship, love and good sex.
People can support and cheer you on in growing dating confidence, but at the end of the day, you have to make the commitment to yourself to foster your own confidence.
If you’re struggling with doing so, reach out for professional help. There are a sea of wonderful counselors out there who can really work with you to grow and nurture your confidence.

Resources

Podcast Survey
Free download - 10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITY

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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This week I begin to break down the four table legs, so to speak, on the DRD framework - believing in yourself.
It’s certainly the hardest part of getting the whole dating and relationship piece to get nailed down.
I believe mastering this will attract others to you more than looks, money, or what you’re able to do.

Exactly what does it mean to believe in yourself?

Sometimes believing in yourself - and I mean really believing to your unshakeable core - can take a while.
It’s more than saying affirmations, although those help. It’s about knowing and staying with your worth IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.
This is what I experienced in the first date I had with my husband. Listen to Episode 1. He was clearly uncomfortable with me as a PWD, but I didn’t allow that to sway me from feeling worthy, knowing my potential, and communicating that.

How do you cultivate a POSITIVE belief in yourself?

May sound counterintuitive, but you have to first look at what beliefs are holding you back and keeping you from believing more positively in yourself?
Really look at these beliefs and ask, are they helping me get to where I want to be. Challenge your own thinking.
Focus on the positives in yourself. Look would you go in a job interview thinking well, I suck at this, why would anyone hire me? No, you sell yourself and your assets! The same is true in dating.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Believe, believe, believe.
Your mind is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed. Get those nasty viruses out of there.
You begin this by catching yourself every time you have a negative belief about yourself. Say, “I don’t have time for this,” and choose a more positive thought/belief.

Resources

Please take the Podcast Survey to share what you would love to hear on the show.
Free download - 5 Beliefs for Successful Dating

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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One of my overarching career goals is that people with disabilities (PWD) are seen more potential dating and relationship partners. What does this mean? For the Dating Relationships Disability (DRD) work I do, there’s the micro goal of the work I do with PWD to help them become more confident in dating and relationships, but then there’s the macro goal of changing the HEARTS (notice I didn’t say minds) of society so there is acceptance of the potential that PWD have to be dating and relationship partners.

Opening Your Own Mind

If we want others to open their hearts to us as dating and relationships partners, we have to begin by opening our own damn minds to that thought.
We can’t expect others to believe what we don’t believe for ourselves.
Invitation to consider what beliefs are holding you back from this.
- Who would want to be with me?
- I’m not attractive.
- It’s too hard to be with me.

Then Work on Their Hearts

Once you can begin to open your mind - you don’t need to believe all the way - you can then work on changing hearts.
While we of course want to change people’s thinking, we ultimately want people to open their hearts to us.
When the heart is open, when they call see ALL of us - person and disability - then they can begin to love us, which is the basis for an intimate partnership.

Where Do We Go From Here?

You’ll hear me compare sexual ableism (see Episode 2) a lot to racism on here because I think the comparison is very tangible for us who see racism as flawed way of thinking.
When you’re a member of a race that is marginalized, you don’t think “Oh yeah, they’re right, I am inferior to them.” Rather, you may believe to your core in your equality and be mystified and angry why people treat you otherwise.
The way to begin to transform sexual ableism is to hold that vision of how we want things to be - we want to be viewed as potential dating and relationship partners.

Resources

Podcast Survey
Free download - Rising Above Sexual Ableism

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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Just what is Sexual Ableism and why should I care about it?

Definition and Examples

What is it - Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority.

Sampling of Ableistic Beliefs Toward Sexuality

Projections of people with disabilities as being “fragile” or “a potential victim.”
Perceived need from caregivers to “protect” people from relationships, or at the very least, being “supervised.”
A continued perpetuated myth that people with disabilities are asexual.
Mistaken belief that people with disabilities have less to offer in relationships.
False belief that people with disabilities generally get into unhealthy and unbalanced relationships.
All of these beliefs perpetuate sexual ableism and keep people with disabilities isolated and lonely. The pain has to stop. People with disabilities need to take their rightful place as sexual – and sexy – beings.

How Sexual Ableism ManifestsIn a dating survey, these are some of the ways people with disabilities report as barriers to dating as a result of sexual ableism:

I’ll be rejected.
I don’t have enough confidence.
I’m concerned about someone accepting my disability.
I don’t believe I’m attractive enough.
I’m afraid to be a burden to someone.
How this was true in my life because I bought into sexual ableism and didn’t date for many years.

Where We Go From Here

Once we can identify sexual ableism, we can then begin to call it out. As we talk about it more, we can then begin to transform it.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~Margaret Mead

Resources for this episode:

Dating Survey for people with disabilities
Download guide: Rising Above Sexual Ableism

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork photo by Elevate

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Learn about the awkward, uncomfortable date that changed me and my life. It set me on the path of developing the Dating, Relationship, and Disability framework.

Dating, Relationships, and Disability offers strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. Episodes feature guidance and practical advice on how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.

The basic principles of Dating, Relationships, and Disability are:

People with disabilities (PWD) make great dating and relationship partners.
If you have the desire to date and be in a relationship, it’s there for a reason. Listen to it.
Dating and relationships with a disability can certainly be a challenge, but totally possible.
Self esteem and confidence are so influential in dating and relationship success.

This is a journey. It's not about just “getting” a partner, but really owning who you as PWD, recognizing your own worth (even when others don’t). It’s also about changing how society views us as potential partners.

Tell us what topics and guests you would like to hear about Dating, Relationships, and Disability. Submit your ideas in the Podcast Survey.

Please take a couple minutes and leave us a REVIEW of the show. Thanks so much!

Never heard of sexual ableism? Join me next week to learn how to recognize it and rise above it.

Credits

Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"
Artwork by Elevate

Dating, Relationships, and Disability: Recent Episodes

Kathy O'Connell