Realm Radio News: Recent Episodes
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News from The Realm brought you daily from Sir Gregor & Sir Toph, starring comedians Greg Kennedy & Chris Higgins
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scary news today folks. As a hunter has come back with a terrifying story of a horned horse. That's right. Tothe hunter, the hunter said the horse stood about 15 ft high and when you gazed upon it it turned everything into slow motion. Slow motion is of course the superpower of these unnamed horses. We should name them actually. That's a great idea. Gregor, who better than us, the most famous people in the realm to give the name to the new discovered creature. Tell me the details of this creature so I can ponder the names. Well, let me think I know that they're just like horses, but they have a horn on their head and they have the power of slow motion. My God, I've got it. Let's call it horn head horse. No, no, no that won't do. How about the horny head God, no! Do you want people to fund it? We must give it a regal name, but not the sexy name. One of the most daunting challenges I've ever faced. My God. Ah Let's call it a unicorn. Alright. Yeah, sure fuck it. I don't know what we should do about the discovery of these new animals, but I think we should do everything in our power to massacre them and have them put on display in our homes in some way. Absolutely. I think the best thing to do at this point is to start thinking of ways to make these lovely, wonderful, harmless magical gifts of God and to ensure that they go extinct ASAP. This episode is brought to you by basic human nature. Holy sh it, that's beautiful now I must kill it, stuff it and mount it in my.
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wonderful news today. We hope scientist has traveled to our town today to teach us the ways of sanitization. That's right. Toph I was talking to him yesterday and get this what? Apparently there are small organisms called back here that dwell on living surfaces. And some of those small little guys could cause sicknesses and diseases on on us. Like on me right now. Please God. Now it is okay to with this. You can fix all that. What the fund is that? Get that away from me? It's soaked Oaf. Nothing to fear. It kills evil bacteria on your hands. Oh ship. Give me that tough, tough. It tastes horrible. You're eating it. Why are you eating it? What am I supposed to do with it? You were not supposed to eat it. What do I do? You're supposed to get your hands wet. And then, and then you rub them, You rub that on them and then you wash it off with water. Hold that thought Gregor. It appears the town has surrounded the scientists with rocks and are threatening to burn him as a witch. We cut down to bother the orc with more bobby. Get this episode was brought to you by scientists, get that ship out of here because you're a damn witch. You are a witch. Indeed! I would have to go ahead and say if he thinks you are
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troubling news coming from the depths of the mighty high Pines Forest today. That's right, Sir Gregor. It seems that the Wood elves have declared war on the woodpecker's third rahim. The Wood elf capital has denounced the birds and their never ending plucks and boots on the woods. They call home. The Wood elves recently sent messengers carriers to our realm asking for aid of any kind and we of course will not be sending any aid to the wood elves as war with the woodpeckers has been deemed impossible to win. That's right. When war is declared with woodpeckers, they hide in plain sight during the day and only come out at night when they can mask themselves in the, in the night. That makes perfect sense to me. From there. They poop their prickly little snoops real quickly on the frames of the wood elf homes, causing them to collapse beneath them. Never, I repeat, never ever engage a woodpecker rumor has it that they will hold you down, strip you down and put that pack a rod down your p shaft. It seems like I might have to go and pay a visit to the woodpeckers as I am a sick and twisted freak me to told me I come with you. Well let's go. Are we joining the war? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're just going to get sucked off by birds. I love it. This episode was brought to you by sex work. It should be legal to be honest. But this country is run by old people. I personally enjoy buying sex. Yeah, I mean it's safer that way. You know And I like it as well. Everybody drives, everybody likes sex.
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a huge day, folks. The queen has once more commissioned a statue of herself to be built in the city center. Accelerating how many is that gonna buy my account? I think that's 16 Amazing 16 statues of glorious and terrifying queen for the poor, Starving, homeless people of the realm gaze upon and wonder Wonder. Indeed, she could help the poor. She could fix the passkey potholes on the streets that have claimed four Children this year alone. But no. Instead, we are blessed with another bus of Her Royal Highness. I am excited and even more exciting because the artist commission to sculpt the Queen is joining us now. Welcome to the studio, Frederick. Both swallow. How are you today? Thank you, gentlemen. I'm very excited to be on the program. Uh, that's all the time that we have today. Thank you for stopping in. Fred. We're really looking forward to seeing your work. What? That is it. Yep. No more time. Appreciated, mister. Both swallow both swallow. Am I saying it? Correct. Uh, thank you, Mr Swallow. This episode was brought to you by hunger. Fuck that shit. Let's build another statue instead. Because statues our marvel. If there was one little single you did there, Greg like that. Thank you.
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blasphemy has swept the streets of the capital. Missionaries from the nation of Parliament had begun telling people of the new religion, the parliament nation and their religion. Parliamentarian tells us that the world was created from the shit of a great space hog named Parle like Karl, but with a P Parle. Indeed, one day Parle needed the shit. But when he shit, it was no ordinary shit. Usually shits are gooey sausage. Like perhaps No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not this one. Fascinating. Do go on, Gregor. Happily tow this shit. This shit was rounded hurdled around the sun. 365 days, six hours and nine minutes with reference to the stars of the speeding rate of 2.29 and 3.29 kilometre. Second, the six hour minutes nine add up to the extra days for a blasphemy. Blasphemy indeed. Exactly. We all know the world is indeed a shit, but it is a flat shit. A flat shit shaped like a disc with the Arctic Circle in the centre in Antarctica, a 550 ft tall wall of ice around the rim, guarded by day and night the secret cable known as NASA, to prevent people from falling off the wall and into space. Now that makes sense, agreed. So the queen decided to do the only reasonable thing. And that is to ban the horrible offensive religion that the Pavlov's believe in. As of today, if you're a hog shit part of preached the nonsense, you will be killed dead on the spot on the spot. This episode is brought to you by Culture Intelligence. What is that?
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we are on day seven of the lantern band and the world has never been more scary at night. It's completely dark by six p.m. Every day depressing eight days ago, MS mccurdy kicked over a lantern in the entire capital. Nearly burned down, fucking mccurdy and her bitch ass cow. I take solace in knowing that the cow burned and perished in the most fiery and painful. Death meat, beef tenderloin. Mm mm. Good. As the town nearly burned down. The wizard known as Blaine was able to summon a storm and quench the flames, saving all and once more becoming a hero in our eyes. He of course, went on to say that he is only doing it because he wants to be the one to wreck havoc on our pathetic little lives and death by fire isn't a painful enough escape from life. I certainly cannot wait to see what doom playing intends to unleash on us. In other news, the town has descended into darkness. Crime has increased by nearly 750%. Ruffians rap scallions and rascals have taken to the streets at night and absolutely crimes down. What's percent. 750%. No, no, no, no, no. What is percent. I've never heard that term before. They are numbers. Of course, my apologies. Crime has risen and I, for one have been enjoying it as it has livened up my nightlife as most of you already know. Gregor is a trained golden glove boxer who studied under the great Lord. Mike. Tyson. He loves a good game of tossing fists. My God! If you could just see his form right now.
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exciting and stunning news today, everyone that's right toe flat at the blacksmith's new assistant gun has created what he's cleverly called a boom boom. Goodbye. Now, stick. It's quite the invention. Indeed. We asked John what the purpose of this machine was, and he said it was for the slaughtering of people. Of course, people are outrage Not for the fact that the boom boom power power goodbye. He did stick was invented, but because they didn't have one in their immediate possession upon learning of it, what was supposed to be a fun time for all has turned into a greedy race for the harnessing of a new power. Humanity has done it once again, just like the day when gun the apprentices grandfather sore the blacksmith invented ouchy Holy shit where my arm goes stick. It seems humanity just can't get enough of this latest vengeance. I love my Ouch! Oh, my God. Did you just cut off my arm stick? And I can't wait to get my hands on one of these. Uh, what did you say? The listeners could buy one of these. Luckily for people looking to buy one of these, latter has hired 400 new employees overnight to mass produce thousands of these and get them out of the hands of the brilliant people of our realm as soon as possible. I think we're all ingredients that these bam, bam, purple, purple, purple, purple fire shooter sticks might be one of the greatest inventions of our lifetime. And I can't wait to see how history unfolds itself. We cut down to Tobey Marshall. See, he's doing a full inspection of the of the new facilities. Toby! Toby, Go on. Tell us about this invention. Now, Go on, Toby. Well, fuck it. This episode is brought to you by the brand new sleek boom boom to
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the pay per view event of the year. That's right. Talk Tonight is shaping up to be a tale for the ages as the Lord of Chaos has challenged the Queen to a duel. As we all know, all those who have challenged the queen have met their demise. We hope that changes Today doesn't change. I would never disrespect the Queen all hail the Queen. Of course we cut down now to Melvin, the elders who was ringside with the two heavyweights, Melvin, these are some big baddie boys. Two heavy hitters. If I don't say so myself, bitch, mm hmm. That's why you're down there, Melvin. What is the atmosphere at the royal rumble? Absolutely sensational. Everyone's here cranky blank stirs and his wife Barbara here arguing about something about their middle child. Did we Got we got hubert jumble, plump inventor of the bucket, dressed to impress as always. And last but not least scream levitating and rapping at the audience, really warming them up for the main event. Oh shit! Saddle me up and then call me nancy. Here comes the Queen, of course, before the match the queen has tonight, the challenger, as a sign of respect. Melvin has presented her with the sword from ringside. She's waving and smiling at the crowd. She seems quite jubilant, quite jubilant indeed. And now we see Lord of Chaos, he's, he's getting on one knee ready to be knighted and she raises the sword and taps it down on one shoulder the crowd. The crowd goes wild and now on to the other, Wait, oh no! She's smiling terribly and absolutely evil smile has been cast upon her face.
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some pretty spooky news as last night a population of people emerged from the sea. That's why they came in when everyone was asleep last night and apparently they attacked us. However, their weapons did no damage whatsoever. They came and sprayed the whole city down with water attacks, creating cute little funnels as well, which actually just cleaned the whole city quite nicely as we all slept. Pretty amazing waking up to a very nice clean little city. We of course don't know what to call them. Have given them the name our janitor. I think that name is quite perfect as they worked the night shift as janitors do. Calling in is jerry. The janitor jerry, you call us merge editors. I can't believe you janitors clean up the poop poo. We are mermaids, goddesses of cleanliness. And we have declared war upon you? Yes, yes. War. Quite the war stricken city you created here last night, jesus christ. This place is spotless. Have you have your little war? Have your have you worn my damn house while you're at it? Very well. We'll begin the war at two am when you're fast asleep, that is absolutely perfect. I cannot wait for war. My house has been in need of mermaid War for weeks. Hey, fuck your jerry to war with you as well, then precisely four am. If that works for you, which will be my last shift of the night. Do you think it's quite possible that you come and declare war in my house once a week. Consider it all out. War. This episode is brought to you by mermaids incorporated, Call them declare war fall.
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Welcome to round Radio News. We have a cutesy, cutesy story for you today featuring our very own Toby Marsh. That's right. It was brought to our attention recently that Toby doesn't enjoy his job here. We asked him to name three jobs he'd like to do other than this one and the answers he came up is quite splendid, splendid indeed. Toby has told us that aside from being a newscaster his dream job would be to be a pirate. So we went ahead and sent him on a ride along with the captain of his ship. The wooden woman, scurvy bones jones. Perfect Toby. Yes, go with the pirates. I I just can't wait to hear what goes on over there. Nothing could go wrong Toby. Oh I think they liked me Ocean. I think they like it, baby. Give that bottle of rum to Toby boys. He'll chug it. I've seen him drink four pints since we've set sail. Toby. My boy, I love you. Oh he once was a newscaster. Disrespected, was he? Now he's a pirate like me and the boys. Toby and me. Oh I'm drunk as hell. We're gaining our little boat. Oh sure he said we're going to tie them up ship, tie him up, breaking my balls with us. I asked if they wanted to be part of our crew. He said I should probably not probably going to take them down below the deck and less with the movie. Oh I think we're gonna throw these people overboard four minutes. That's good. Thank thank you Toby I think Toby has finally found his calling lovely
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traveling news today as a neighboring Orc army has invaded the realm. That's right. The leader of the stink Orc tribe sent us a text message last night saying we're going to invade you guys. I think a diplomat close to vicious stink. Vladimir, leader of the stink Orc tribe claims that his reason for invading is because parts of the realm are actually part of the ancient stink or tribal lands. It's hilarious because it's not That's right. It clearly states in history books everywhere. Gregor that the stinky Orc tribe has always been a small land of area not much larger than it is today. It is well known that the particular Orc tribe only knows how to do one thing lie calling it now vicious stink himself. Mr stink. We don't Why? Yes, yes, you do. It is well known. If I am such a liar then who is this? For one, we're going to invade your little realm and I plan on standing in your capital in two days sucking victorious. You watch one month later, it has been one month since the invasion of the stink Orc army and they have yet to penetrate our outer walls. That's right. They're making slow, slow progress on the outer wall, but still have one more wall. I seem to recall us calling him a liar and he promised that he would within two days be standing in our capital claiming victory. And do you know what that means for us, Greg or it means that we have done our job here as newscasters flawlessly reported the facts and we nailed it. Damn fine reporting. Indeed, this episode is brought to you by unjust war. It's not.
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terrible news today. As you all know, the realm has been infiltrated and absolutely overrun by rats. That's not all either. It appears the rats have actually teamed up with the pigs. That's right. It all started as the rats climbed over the city walls and raided the farms. They got into the pig pens and now travel in teams with the pigs for everyone, pig you can see one rat on the top of the pig's head helping guide the pigs in the right direction and then of course one more on the back where it would look like a rat is riding a pig like it's a horse. We of course call this a pig Rat. Fleets, Fleets and fleets of pig rats have began to descend on the capitol. The queen has drafted every man, woman and organ gnome and dwarf and birds whatever into the army to defend our borders against the pigs. Rats. Even Blaine has joined our forces to defend the realm from the rats and their stupid pigs. We cut now to Toby marsh on the front lines with more Toby. Alright, alright, the rats, that crime I am yeah, yeah. This episode was brought to you by pig rat fleets, their pigs with 1 to 2 rats on top helping guide the pigs and they have infiltrated our town pig rat fleets. It's an army. It's an army war machine.
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news of thievery has broken out amongst the realm as several merchants have been robbed this week. That's right. And to be honest, it wasn't really newsworthy into the bandits brazenly attacked a royal caravan and you guessed it inside the caravan was to moon stones. And at this point, what else can we? Oh Goddammit, fucking blank Mark has just flown into the studio. It's just bling bitch. Right, did you say to moon stones? God dammit, you want behind this war, You blank, blank blank. I wasn't. But you tell me where that robbery happened right now. We refused bitch! You don't know which moonstone I have. I got the damn mind Moon. I could read your mind. I wanted to give you a chance to tell me so I can see which side he reside on. Well, guess what? Y'all just made the shitless. Well team, it appears these anchors are in grave danger blank. Will certainly have the moon stones again soon. And we all know what will happen. Oh God, what are we talking about before? All this just happened Gregor. Ah The trade route. It was plundered. Ah yes, Well, pray to Godzilla, that blank. Doesn't find those poor bandits. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm cheering for the bandits, pray to God seller
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we here at Realm Radio News loves a good comeback story and what a comeback story we have for you today. Indeed blame Ma will be calling in to apologize for his evil ways while he had the moon stones. As some of you probably remember blame are the evil wizard stole the moon stones giving him godlike powers where he reigned over the people in the realm with an iron fist as well has increased the taxes on the middle class and I for one liked him. Mm hmm. Yeah, he's certainly something else calling in now. We cut to you blank the floor is all yours, my friend. Hey guys, it's just uh, it's just blame now. No, no more mar. It's just blank. Like I just said, listen, I want to apologize for all that stuff I did when I got ahold of the moon stone. That's very nice of you. I think I speak for everyone in the realm. When I say, we accept, hold on a minute, he didn't let me finish what I wanted to say was this, I'm sorry for all the stuff I did when I had the moon stones because maybe it wasn't quite bad enough. Oh no. What's that? He's pulling up from his heart attack. My God, our biggest fear he has a moonstone. I'm getting real sick of people blindly follow that tyrant queen. She beheads everyone and no one knows it. She has a just queen. Fuck you heifer. I got one more milestone. I've had all six at one point before, I'll find them again and when I do tonight live in front of all these fans, I'm coming for you.
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a stunning conclusion to what is the trial of the century? That's right. A mad scientist. Which I believe is some kind of a wizard promised the queen he could make the elusive death elixir and like many before him the death elixir simply did not work. The queen is not immortal Indeed for the 4/100 year in a row, the elixir did not extend her life. That's right. And at 400 she's finally thinking about what's next for her daunting question. Indeed. You know, I've never asked you Greg, how old are you? Why I am 14. Ah yes, I remember that time. The midlife crisis as they call it. Indeed life comes at you quick and it ended just as quick for this mad scientist as our biggest fears came true as the queen raised his sword and beheaded him as is her way as is her way. And we now cut to Melvin the eldest with the inside scoop on what was the execution of the decade? Melvin, you know I love a good beheading. I got V. I. P. Tickets in this one. I was waiting the splashdown bitches. So obviously me and my boys took like four hits of acid. We got loose with it when we're here at the back entrance of the castle. See which club the queen goes to next. We're here. Oh ship balls flying donkey rainbows. I just puked the whole sky back to you dove at this point I think it's time we recognize Melvin's substance abuse issues. He is not doing any reporting at all. This episode is brought to you by nothing. We lost all of our sponsors because of the puking, all of the drugs.
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Breaking news. The Moon stones have been stolen once more. You'd think someone would have locked them away somewhere else. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They've been stolen once more and we are certainly doomed again. How do we know the Moon stones are stolen, you ask? None other than Count Von Houten, Slim or simply? Slim Leader. The rap group, vamp nation is flying around town barf and bright purple bile down on all the townsfolk. He's dissing them as well between farms. We got to field reporter bobby. The orc bobby. Yeah, he just called me a flat schlub and rhyme something with love. A dub dub. Oh my God, he's flying over me now. Let's see if we can hear anything bobbing up The perk. You're looking like a dirt. He's moving up the herb. Looby dooby dooby! He's not making any sense. His rhymes are so futuristic and good. Oh no! Now the moon stones, they've fallen out of his trousers. He's falling to the ground now. Here. Oh no! The townsfolk were running towards our stones. Don't let her come in and touch the stones. Oh, no! Commoner has touched the stones. He's growing five times his size. Now we see this. Here he is. He's here. Godzilla! Godzilla, indeed! Will he stay and wreak havoc on the world or return to see for his ancient slumber. Only time will tell
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fresh off our victory and slaughter of our neighbors. We have uplifting news for you today. That's right. Gregor. We've got good news. So, so good. Yeah, it's just nice to report on things like this every once in a while. You know it agreed Gregory. The world can just be so gloom and so doomed. Sometimes when things turn out good, it's just it's just good. Yeah, it's good. It's good. It's good news. So so good. Right, well, just the elephant in the room. You couldn't make up anything either, couldn't you? Gregor? I could not. And we were stalling for some time. We were indeed. Do you want to know something Gregor? I do. I interrupted you but I'm stalling right now but at last nothing is happening today. So I will. I will stop stalling. Oh will you though? I don't know, will you know? I'm stalling right now. No news at all today. Maybe we'll cut down to our field reporter bobby, new york bobby, nothing going on here. Very good. We'll cut down to Melvin. The others I guess. Melvin, nothing here. Excellent. We'll cut the Toby marsh with more Toby got killed. Yeah, we can always count on you
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Welcome to Realm radio news as you already know, the queen has declared war on the neighboring realm. That's right. They came to our room to talk about peace and ways in which we could coexist together as one. The queen as we all know, doesn't take kindly to friendly gestures. Love or peace. And in her name, we waged war on our peace loving hippie as neighbors whose walls were indeed easy to penetrate as they were ill maintained at best and blankets of flowers at worst, no army greeted our hordes of goblins. Ghouls O'Rourke says we burned their plentiful land to a crisp in a stunning development, we realized we were the bad guys with more. We cut to war correspondent, Gondry Ella, the orc warrior. Gondry Ella, Thank you Gregor and tom I'm standing on the remains of the neighboring glam. It's quite the sight to behold. Like take this for example, I'm picking up ahead right now is what appears to be the head of a noble man. Yes, one tasted the blood. He wasn't fed and nobleman indeed just tasted the blood, tasted it now and I'm putting the head right in my little shack. I have course as an orc warrior, collect the heads of wall and then he lost in battle and with his final head, my sack is full. So I guess I'll just head on out now, heading, heading on out, Wait, come back, do you have anything to actually report on that was damn fine reporting. If you ask me delightful. This episode is brought to you by Vorlons sacks. Put your heads in our sacks.
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Yeah. Exciting news today on radio news. A delegation from the neighboring has arrived to speak with the queen. What do they want? Why are they here? Who are their parents? Are they lost with more? We cut the celebrity correspondent Melvin, the eldest Melvin. It's the hardest delegation reception in years. Boys were on the red carpet. Neighboring allegation makes their way to the queen, who frankly, looks him. We watched the Queen has extended her hand, extended for shake of approval, forcing a smile. Now I don't know What's this With the other hand, She's within a short high above her hands are coming through. He doesn't seem to No, no, no, no, no. She handed down right into his half of his Children. And and and a half his name is struggling to God. He's crawling away. Now she's right behind him. Oh, no. She's on the second time and she got his head right out there. Please her. I'm picking because I'm drunk. This shit is awesome. Fuck my left leg and then fuck my right. She's about to speak a down a down here. She just bought a cat, comes in and out of shape
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ladies and gentlemen, it's a wonderful evening as it is the night of the full moon. That is right and we all know what that means. The werewolves will be out tonight preparing for another episode of werewolves tonight. What the werewolves don't know is that for the last 20 days we've been forming an elaborate plan of attack and ambush if you will as our very own clip tip the jasmine has armored up, lathered up and lubed up ready to infiltrate the werewolves right before our very ears clip has promised everyone in the realm a swift and vicious attack he said and I quote down with the dogs, we cut live to click tip who has just entered the woods of despair and has began his hunt. They were ready, they were right in the woods when we got in, they were gonna go right through and we're gonna give them the sword boys, show them how sharp our swords are, give them hell, clip our very own here and take that and that buck you and you and you eat my fun clip. Are you okay clip please clip victory. This episode was brought to you by victory. It's when you win and we did win. We won a lot, they are all dead. I'm sure I think a few might have gotten away but yeah sure we won
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the coasts of the round Bird Raiders and pirates from the Infinity Isles have once more landed on our shores and search of eye patches. That's right, Gregor. For the 40th summer in a row, we once more have to tell them We have no eyepatch is It's getting really fold that up now to our producers are telling me that we are receiving a call from an other than Gordon. Scurvy Bones Watson. Captain Watson, you are alive. Yar Yar to you as well You are. You are Captain Yardley are indeed Thanks for having me on the show, boys. Long time listener, Big fan. Not the time you guys beat playing Mar the Wizard. And I must say, I'm on your side of the hole. Where wolf beef. Totally not cool what they did, right? All well and good, Gordon. Nice meeting a fan. But I mean, why are you burning, Raiding and pillaging our villages with absolutely no remorse, right? Right. Fair play were looking for eye patches again. Javan e once more Good. Goddamn it. We don't have any. You can make him yourselves. What? You simply need strings and win. But a patch of cloth we've got string the whole boats full of string, but no patch, not a single bat. Yare Yare Yare Indeed, the rates continue. Sepsis was brought to you by Black Beard's patches. That's right, Greg, or this whole episode wasn't were easily bought, easily bought. Indeed, you could buy us for mere couple pennies eye patches.
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Welcome to Realm. Radio lose. Ah! Horrific and inhumane. First storey for you tonight Last night The debut of wearables Tonight feed to the delicate and scrumptious preparation of our dear friend Ground the farmer revulsion with a mix of aw, Greg or indeed, tough. I've never seen food cooked like that before, Human. But Gregoire, but But I'll say it looked great. Yes. Do you think it's because of how the where was prepared it? Or shall we be eating humans? I am stumped, but we can't allow this. I mean, we What we saw last night wasn't outrage blessed, but it shouldn't be allowed on the airways if you tuned in last night. You are a traitor. That's right. How could they help? They allow another news programme on the air. Cook all the humans you want. Don't broadcast it. That's offing. We are the radio guys in the rail and well, yeah, mostly, but also cooking. Human. What? Oh, yes, Yeah. Fuck that. That wasn't cool at all. So guess what? What? This means what wa Well, get ready for your doom. In the name of our very own Clipped it just fixed. Gregor really excited to get out in the field again. You're gonna fucking Pete my short shorts and socks. Does your dog have nothing? Fuck, dog. This episode was brought to you by war. We're going to to war.
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welcome to wear worlds tonight, the best radio show in the realm. So good, so good. Sitting alongside me, of course, is a wolf cram. The dread. My sushi chef, we bag it That's right On tonight's episode will be teaching you how to properly season seer and serve human ramp red French wine. Mm. Now the round is most succulent, marbled piece of meat on the human look and see here at the marbling. Usually, actually, it would be a little more, but ground. The farmer was a tough man. We will have to slow cook it for even longer to get the proper tenderness we desire. Speak a tease. So they are. That's a good boy. First, we build a large fire almost two by two wolves build it big and get it hot and then put a pot over the hot fire. Then fill the pot with Meryl stock, chilli flakes, rosemary bay leaves, six garlic cloves and a finely minced onion with red wine. Red French wine indeed will creme bring your mixture to a simmer and Syria Graham romp on a pan. I prefer a cast iron. You're going to want to do this two minutes a side posit in the pot cover and let cook for three hours. Snails. Six cigarettes after two hours, played your stew over a bed of rice or buttered polenta. Walla Grub melodrama. This episode was brought to you by Graham so, so good.
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Welcome to Realm Radio news, Comrades. Today we sit down with two unsung heroes. The castle guards. That's right, these two capital castle. God can be seen standing day and night last night after night after standing in front of the castle guarding the queen. Rumor has it that they never leave their posts forever banished to stand and protect until the end of their days, paying themselves, putting themselves right into the nights garments. Rumor says we'll find out now. Welcome to the show, boys. Introduce yourselves. I'm not number one, and this is glad you look good. So you said and got the castle all day. Long night? Yeah. Don't forget about the not going there. Right? Right now we've got that to have been quite boring, actually. Said we're playing motivated, right? Right. That was right. Exciting. And is it true that you shit and put yourselves so that you may continue to God at all times? Of course not. They love. Yeah, that's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's what we do. You think it was just sitting there not just sitting pants? Sometimes. Sometimes it does happen a lot. Yeah, occasionally, but not every night. shift depends every fucking not all the time. It doesn't have any. Yeah. Yeah. The absolute goal of you to say we're known for shifting. Our parents were all night and all They were sitting around the fucking queen. Bloody Queens. Guards, Mate, that's rude. It's room for you to ask that question. This episode was brought to you by rumors, rumors, just rumors.
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It's that time of the year again folks. The royal Fair is upon us. Upon us. Indeed! Like the weight of a dead pig you slayed in the woods. And I have to carry all the way back to your families wanting to cook up and eat and drink and merriment for the fact that you have once again provided for your family. And they can live to see another day because they now have the food to continue to survive. Yes, the Royal Fair is indeed upon us. How how are things with your wife, Sir Gregor? Quite frankly, she can't stand the sight of me. Very good. Let's cut down to our brand new field reporters, old cars. The cave troll to get the ins and outs and you can expect to see at this year's Fair, ZOLL cars shipped a lot of people down here. I got goddamn social anxiety. Everybody knows that about me. Look at that goddamn kid right there, looking at pop school, looking at me, I need him. He don't even know ZOLL ZOLL cast. I'm gonna kill them all! The puny humans, goddamn social anxiety bread zone has no breaking news. As it appears the troll is on a rampage through the Royal Fair. Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to hire a full blown mountain troll as a field reporter. He's a cave troll, you gents! How dare you! Whatever. We cut the field reporter Toby Marsh with more Toby. This episode was brought to you by the Royal Fair. Come on down for a safe weekend with the whole
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today is the day a day of celebration. As we lay to rest. Our dear friend Graham the farmer. Yes, as we all know, death is the ultimate escape of the pressures of day and he most certainly is a restless wandering ghost. Now, forever watching us suffer an absolutely riveting night for what? Shirley will be The funeral of the year held of course at Capital Castle, we cut down to Melvin, the eldest celebrity correspondent for More Melvin, you bitches. This ship is lit, this motherfucker died and my as drunk as hell, everyone's out here tonight except for you two clowns. We got bark the tree Lord, just dropping apples, turning shipping to meet we got squawk here, he's apologizing for Bird law last month we got cranky blank stirs here, just cutting it up on the motherfucking drug. And we got the queen coming down here. Any moment tonight, Graham into ghost. Them by God, we're missing the funeral of the year. Well suck me dry. Here comes the Queen right now. Now we see of course the queen of heaven or she will be night ingram and to hunt the souls of all, she places the sword down on his first shoulder, the right shoulder, the cold dead shoulder of graham the farmer. Then she puts to the left with all due respect to the past farmer and what's this? Our biggest fear. She's raises the thought for a third time when she comes down his article to head right off. This episode is brought to you by the sort of have endured. She knighted you and now you're probably gonna die.
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Mm. Breaking news has promised the werewolves have attacked. Indeed, Toaff. They raided ground farms, murdered and heated ground the farmer as well. Terrible news as Graham was the only farmer in town with more. We cut the field reporter Bobby or Bobby? Why? Why? Why? Graham? He was such a good farmer. Uh, he once got his wheels stuck in the mud. Yes. Yes, we know, Bobby, we were there when you reported on that. You were. Uh, please, Bobby, We need to know what happened last night. I don't know. There's a note stabbed into the door with a blade. Like fucking Captain Hook Didn't have one movie. The note reads down with realm radio news. We're gonna start our own station. A wolf station for for werewolves and werewolves only. It's gonna be a much more acquired taste and everyone everyone's gonna like it a lot more fun. Fuck you, guys. Fuck you guys. Please, Please, Please. For the love of God, stop! What did he fucking say? More wolf news. Rival New rump traditions. Blasphemy. How dare They must assemble the power of the five anchors of Newsham and strategise. Our next moves, I say we slay the wolves until they are dead. This episode is brought to you by wolf pelts. We're gonna have an abundant supply. Very soon be
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finally, out of the groups of bird law, the queen has signed Throw a jousting tournament, I'm here Live with sports correspondent clipped it the jasmine clip. Oh, it's a stunning day here at the Queen's Stadium, the crowd is gathered that athletes are ready. It's a night we've all been waiting for for some time. Gregor. I am excited to see how it plays out. Just a magical, magical night in de Clip, in. What makes it even more special is our very own anchored. Tough of how skins is jousting today and gives us an inside look at the sport. And, of course, for the honour of his family. That's right. Talks a right handed Jo stir on absolutely deadly with a lance his last 12 opponents haven't utterly vanquished. And by that we mean they're dead. Oh, talks, first challenges. Let's see what he's absolutely clattered him woke up to make that line for more. Thank you, Claire. I need to correct you, but he's not quite dead. One second way. Go on. The crowd goes wild. Indeed, he's an absolute fan favourite. I'm not allowed to just because my mother was a sex worker house unknown is a proud and large house. Full bastards full of bastards. Indeed, this episode was brought to you by bastards. Who's your daddy? Where's your daddy?
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It's bird law. Ladies and gentlemen, we are under bird law. The law of course, very unclear as the birds do not speak or communicate in any way. There are some things we know about bird law, etc. That's right. Gregor the first law that enforces a straight curfew at three p.m. No one is allowed outside or you will be scooped up, boop, doubt and absolutely Rupert apart. Mm hmm. Second thing clear the sky. Which is quite easy. Of course, for no one has in any way, shape or form created a flying machine. Although I do hear old man Hendricks banging away at something most nights in his garage. As long as we keep old man Hendricks from the skies, we should be safe. Which brings us to the third law at 2 45 PM every day. You must praise the giant birds above and their king squad bank for 15 minutes as they remain above patrolling the town at the mark of three flee for your lives as they will hunt you from the sky. Bird law isn't that bad. Honestly, it really isn't Gregory. As you know. The last 12 times we've lived under bird law, the giant raptor usually get bored and leave. It only lasts about a day or two ever been curious what happens at three PM Under Bird Law. We set Field reporter Toby march to find out Toby. Oh my God, he's here. He's carrying out to that mess. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by King squad. It's bird law now, idiots
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Well, folks, these are the storeys we just love. Finally, some good news. A cute little gnome accidentally wandered too far up a tree in town today. Cute little guy. So high up there. But worry not. Some vigilant townsfolk immediately jumped into action, particularly Ladder. The black man who invented a new invention for getting up higher called the sky stare. And we're here live covering the rescue. That's right, Gregor. And in this case, the sky stare was exactly what was needed to get the little guy out of the tree. Oh, that has climbed up the sky. Stay and he's coming back down with the no. Now this is very nice. Crowd is cheering. What a day to see What a sight to behold. No waving at the crowd Now turning around and thanking his rescuers as he walks along back to the enchanted forest almost brings a tear to your eye. Gregoire don't know. Our biggest fear, of course, is going through. A giant eagle is winding down now, barreling cars and sweet, little known so close to our hearts. Sound is extended to know who is soon to be vanquished, of course, and oh fuck he's taken from the ground. Ripped, ripped in half. He quickly eats an arm. Quick snack for the for the eagle, it appears, and it flies off. Do you have any idea what this means, Greg? It cannot be true. I fear it is Gregor. It appears we are now under bird law. This episode is brought to you by ladders were calling them matters now. The sky stairs was unclear. Don't you get up on up that high now.
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today on real radio news. We talk about the fashion sensation that is sweeping the nation. That's right. Gregor dining robes are a hit. No need to eat your food in your farming sack and hat anymore. You got a whole new set of robes you could put on now first worn by nobles and made fashionable by our very own fashion correspondent. Row jocks. The gargoyle and protector of, of, of the, of the top of the building. That's good. Very good. Road shocks. Rosa parks. Ah yes, it's daytime. Ah yeah, of course he is indeed frozen in stone Indeed as he is a gargoyle. So much a gargoyle. Come to think of it there. Greg, I've just noticed. Have you gotten your dining robes yet? You're not wearing them? Hmm. No. Well I'm, I'm wearing mine right now. Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm. Yes. Do you do you like him? The purple and red? Mm hmm. No, I can't say that. I, do you know what come to think of it. I don't like these things either. You know what? When road Jax wakes up fire. Road jacks, we were a tight, tight 9 to 5 year tight. This episode was brought to you by cloaks, robes are a joke by a cloak
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today around radio news. We have a very special guest in the studio. That's right to Arcadia. Wolf of the Werewolf Guild is here to discuss some of the issues facing the werewolf community these days. Welcome to the programme, Arcady. Oh, how are things? Our video? How are things? You ask me this I sense anger in ur KD Oh, Well, well, well. You must be a scientist. How did you figure this out? What seems to be the issue, Mr Wolf? The issue You tell me the last time you reported a missing person who wandered into the woods for some late night tomfoolery. It has been quite some time. Be honest with me. Did you guys figure out the full moon thing? We figured out the full moon thing. We don't send loved ones into the woods at night on full moons anymore. God! Shit. Oh, Fucking shit. Balls, please. Why bring me a little shit, child, that you never wanted? What? You say something, please. I'm starving. We know we used it. Human. Every month, full fist of shanks, hawks and ribs. Cut it in. Mushroom family holidays. Potatoes with good. Okay, Okay, We get it. thanks for coming on the show. We're not gonna send very well. We are displeased. You'll be hearing from us wolves out.
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Welcome to Realm Radio News. I'm your host, Gregor, House Unknown, and I'm your host. Toaff of House Gins, bringing you the latest news from across the Realm, huge news today as there is a new shipping hole in the winding Barrows. Finally, you're telling me to follow with more on that. We cut the red carpet liaison, Melvin, the eldest. Thanks boys, I'm here at the hottest party in the Realm bitch. The winding Barrows are finally getting a new shitting hole. And oh right on time, here comes the Queen. She's wearing her traditional reversible wolf belt. She holds her hand for silence. Oh, sh it! She's going to speak. She's going to speak. I hereby bless this shitting hope. With a truly beautiful piece of history we are witnessing today. It is, if I can smell it from here, God, I wish I was there.
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Breaking news. There's a new guy in town. That's right. It's been three full moons since the last new guy and we all know what happened to him. Stone him to death. I hate getting stoned to death for almost no reason, no reason. Indeed. We cut to field reporter bobby the orc with more. Yeah. Hey, I'm talking to you where where you from, huh? Just through the enchanted, the Enchanted. Too long. Get him I want him dead. You get a bunch of rocks. That's right. Get him bobby. Get him right now. I won't dance against strangers and wanderers alike once more. This episode was brought to you by rocks. You ain't from around here, huh? And there are other slogan. Yeah. Where you from? Huh? That's right.
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Today on Realm Radio News, we have a special sit down with Crow through the bloodthirsty leader of the red skull Orc army that's right toe. Fresh off recovering from the incident at the Caves of Doom field Reporter Toby Marsh makes his triumphant return with some breathtaking insight on the lives of orcs. Are they misunderstood? Are they the marauding Raiders and servants of the Dark Lord like we've been led to believe? Or is there a little more under that terrifying and snarling surface with more? We cut to Toby Marsh in the field. Toby the flames. The flames are hot. The flames are hot. Indeed! This episode was brought to you by flames. They're pretty hot, huh? As always, we wish you a speedy recovery Toby See you soon bud. That was some damn fine reporting tune in tomorrow with more from Realm Radio News.
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Ladies and gentlemen, today is the day. It's the victory parade. That's right Greg. Or fresh off the Victory over playing mara, the evil wizard. The whole realm has gathered at the capitol for a day of merriment and public acts of betrayal. I'm sure today's Victory parade Marshal is clipped tipped the jasmine and forevermore, this day will be remembered as clipped tip day. Mark it down. Somehow we cut to Melvin the Elvis, our celebrity correspondent and the oldest gnome in the realm. Just in time, the queen approaches. She's wearing her traditional blood, as legend says, reversible. He's wearing all black with the von family rat album on the back. Of course, he's banishing this unicorn horn dagger, which is also a trumpet. Absolutely stunning stuff. The celebrities are out tonight, People out in full force. This red carpet event has been brought to you by paper things has got a whole lot easier to mark down tomorrow as we welcome back Toby Marsh, who is fully recovered from his adventures at the Caves of Doom.
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According to you live, we've lost the seat, the undead armies of Blackmore rampage across the capital. We fear this may be our final broadcast. As the keep will be overrun at any moment. Gregor, I can say it's been my honor to have hold that thought. It appears as breaking news coming from our sports reporter clip tip the jasmine. Don't you worry now boys, I've gone and fulfilled the prophecy. Mhm. Oh my God, our very own sports reporter cliffs ship. The jasmine appears to have the fifth and final moonstone. I'm not chosen one lads for the rail. Mhm, mm hmm. Mhm. Take that, you grumpy bastard could tip with a vanquishing blow. Ah we're fucking dad! That boys! This episode was brought to you by the jasmine family. We've gone, saved the world the jasmine's.
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Uh, yeah. It's day one of the siege here at Realm Radio news headquarters Playing mine is undead Army Have surrounded the city after a crushing defeat at Graveyard Hills. Yes, the humans. Every man, woman and child will fight it out. And what could be humanity's last stand against evil? This could have all been avoided if we knew where the last moonstone was. If only hold that thought. Gregor. I've just been informed that playing more of the wicked himself is calling into this very show. Hello. You're live on Realm. Radio news playing more Gregor and Tony here. Hey, guys. First off, long time, listener. Sick enough. Let me tell you this. I'm getting resting. You keeping the moon stones for me? Just get the queen to tell me where the fifth moonstone is. I want the crown. I want the crown to the underworld. Give it to me this Sunday! I'm coming for the Queen. Live! The powers of the crown must be used for good. Black mark. That is well known. Well known, indeed. Fuck you. Wo blank! Ma, This is our show, buddy. Fuck you. Yeah, that's right. We run shit around here. Fuck you. Fuck! Fuck you! You know what? You've just made the list. Well, it appears we weren't able to talk him down the seas. Appears a minute. This episode is brought to you by the siege. We're doing no business right now.
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Breaking news blank mar. The Dark Wizard has returned from hiding with an army of possessed minions at his back using the evil powers of the Moon Stones, which of course went missing some time ago. Here to speak more on. That is a completely normal and totally not possessed. Gregor House unknown blank mar is awesome. Why y'all hating on blank blank mark is awesome. Oh shit, I'm possessed as well. Blank Mar wants two things from the Queen thing one, the final Moonstone, as without the fifth and final Moonstone, his Crown of Stars is incomplete and the under the world will remain unopened thing too. He needs crock the Goblin for sacrificial purposes because that guy, until these two demands are met, the siege will continue up next, jousting with clipped tip. The joust, lads, you're fucking possessed, happen to my cousin the jousting I'm coming boys, I'll rescue you back to you. I'll be there soon. There is no hope. All hell blame. Our This episode was brought to you by Blakemore. Blakemore is awesome.
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today on Realm radio News. We have a very special sit down with the dragon Jared Lord of Fire. That's right, tough. We received word via messenger eagle from the dragon saying he wanted to clear the air. As you remember, folks Jared Lord of Fire burnt our whole town to a crisp last year and wants to end, I quote, really? Lay it all out there and end this beef Jared claims that dragons are misunderstood and are not bloodthirsty gold hoarding fire lizards. We make them out to be. They said we really can't wait for this interview. They said it just like that. We cut the field reporter Toby Marsh at the caves of Doom. Toby. You got it. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, my legs. He's got my legs, my legs, Oh God, he's dragging me, he's dragging me in, drag me through the gold. Said no. Why? It appears it was indeed a trap. This exclusive interview was brought to you by baskets, carry your food around. Why don't you?
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Realm. Radio news coming to you Live from Capital Castle. The queen is set tonight. Xavier the blade Zeman, we're here with front row seats to give you peasants the blow by blow, quite literally blow by blow. She's beheaded the last three people she's knighted. Here's the Queen now. I'll hail the motherfucking queen y'all. Xavier awaits. He's getting down on one knee. Royal sword of have Mandala of course, presented forged by a fallen star forged by a fallen star. Of course, she's raised the sword in the air. Oh, she brings the sword down on his shoulder quite gingerly and brings it down on to the next shoulder, tapping it lightly. Hello? No, our biggest fear, she's raising the third time and she's chopped his fucking head off tune in tomorrow as we discussed. Dragons. Are they misunderstood? This episode was brought to you by the Sword of Heaven. Doula Beware nights for we will behead you, beware indeed.
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Welcome to Realm Radio News. I'm your host sir. To farmhouse gins and I am your other hosts ser gregor. House unknown Sad news today as the Moon Stones have gone missing. Very sad indeed. As everyone knows without the Moon stones we are no longer safe. Yes. An invasion appears imminent in other news, Graham, the farmer has gotten his wagon stuck in the mud once again, with more on that we cut the field reporter bobby. The orc bobby. Yeah, it's stuck all right, what happened here, Graham? The mud. The mud is bad. You heard it here 1st? The mud is bad, terrible news. As Graham is the only farmer in town breaking news coming in right now as magma, the wizard has found the moon stones. However, the evil powers in the stones has turned magma, the wizard into blank. The Dark wizard Dark Wizard. Indeed. Well, this has been Realm Radio News tune in tomorrow as the queen is set tonight. Xavier the blade Zeman, Will she behead him immediately after knighting him As she has done the past four times. Only time will tell this episode was brought to you by wheels. Things just got a lot easier to drag. I can't wait to go home and drag some stuff around
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