Bare In Mind - SoundSage

In many social interactions I felt that things were "off" and I couldn't pinpoint why I thought this way or what it was about the interaction that triggered this feeling. And often we can conclude that the person is hiding something and that maybe we shouldn't trust them.

But the case may be that each of us comes with our hidden agenda. And it's not clear to use even. And this gets further muddled when each person comes to an interaction with different agendas. How do you go about this?

I discuss how ulterior motives play in simple social interactions and how we can prevent the messiness from reoccurring and ultimately prevent manipulation from happening on both sides of the conversation.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 37. Why You May Be Lazy.

You ever wonder why you don't get things done like others. We tend to think we're lazy; like it's a personality trait. We're not born lazy.

Or work ethic isn't instilled you. Rather, we unlearn our work ethic. Humans and animals, for that matter, were born to work. That's how we survived. If humans were born lazy, we'd have a serious problem. Think about that.

I used to believe that I was lazy, I was told my times throughout my childhood that I was lazy. And I believed them. And that, of course, proved everyone and myself that I was lazy.

But I recently learned something about work ethic. And I put together the story of my past, with those recent learnings and realised we lose our work ethic along the way. We unlearn it and that means we can learn it again.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 36. Preventing Manipulation in Relationships.

Understanding how manipulation works is the key to preventing it. In relationships, manipulation occurs usually outside of our awareness. Otherwise, we wouldn't be manipulated. Yet, how do you become aware of the unconscious ways manipulation occurs?

Knowing the rules helps you see where in your life and in particular your relationships that are prone to operating using manipulative tactics. Sometimes, we can assume that this is the way relationships work because we hold on to beliefs that allow for manipulative tactics. We think this is how it works.

But it doesn't need to anymore. I discuss 3 rules that allow for manipulation to occur and how "breaking" them can help you become more aware of the manipulation in you life and in evidently stopping it.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 35. Creating boundaries with difficult people.

I revisit the concept of the mind boundary (from Episodes 19 and 21) to understand how it works. I discuss what happens when we are influenced by commercials or when we're handling "difficult" people.

It may be easy to say we all need boundaries in place but often times the boundaries are not physical in nature. It's the mind boundary that will lead to more effective strategies for dealing with people in your life that you find hard to handle.

It's also the mind boundary that helps us see what we need when it comes time to putting in place a physical boundary - spending less time on something or with someone. Or even that no boundaries are needed but only that we look at situation with a deeper understanding of how our mind works in relation to others.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 34. How The Three Work and Their Differences.

What's the difference between being influenced and manipulated? And then how does Gaslighting fit into the mix?

One of the most important things to know is what each word means so you can see the differences and then be able to stop it when it happens to you.

I dive into what is happening when you are being gaslighted and when you are not. Because often this word is misused that it puts a stop to any sort of conversation with someone when we automatically jump to "they're gaslighting me!".

With social media influencers growing in numbers, how do we know that it is truly influence and we're not being manipulated into buying something?

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 33. How It Impacts You.

What do you think about this "new" word? Are you sick of hearing about it because it doesn't necessarily impact you and your life?

Cancel culture seems like a "celebrity" thing or a big corporation thing. But at the heart of it, it touches your life more than you know. That's because "cancel culture" is an age old phenomena.

For as long as humans have been on this earth, cancel culture has been a part of our lives. It's just got a new name. And we've used it because we think it will make progress in society. But does that really happen?

I take a look at cancel culture form this perspective and a historical one. Have we created a cancel culture or have we've been doing what we've always been doing and are now trying to get you to click?

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 32. Create authentic positivity without the toxicity.

What is toxic positivity? I mean, what is it really. Because we have this new phrase we often don't understand what it really means and then we can't effectively find a solution to overcome it.

I break down this "new" concept into its old, familiar pattern. Toxic positivity is essentially the inability to accept all emotions. Society (across cultures) clumps emotions into good and bad or "okay" to express or not express. And in Western culture positive emotions are valued.

But across all cultures, toxic positivity exists in our scripts for handling emotions. In my family, too much positivity is not valued, an example of reverse toxic positivity. And ultimately understanding our own acceptability of all emotions in the human experience will effectively help you deal with others and find true positivity in your life.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode!

In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Episode 31. The Underlying Reasons Why We Disagree.

We basically know that the reason why we're arguing (i.e. whose turn is it to do the dishes) isn't the real reason.

What is? There are 3 common types of arguments that are usually going on behind what's at hand. The dishes isn't the problem it's how we're viewing it is. And I tackle the most common arguments and disagreements I've had with family members and friends so you can become sharper in seeing what's happening.

And then, you can adjust how you communicate in that conversation to have an outcome that is resolved and leaves you feeling better. And even a better understanding of the other person.

Check out the 3 reasons and see if you can see this pattern in your last disagreement with someone.

Resources:

Bare in MInd podcast episode 30: Love Actors

The Life Coach School podcast episode 72: The Self Coaching Model - A Review

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Episode 30. Three Reasons to love actors, not hate them.

We can love them for their fabulous craft or we can hate them for giving an opinion at an award show.

We can lust after their looks or condemn them for their life choices.

We can secretly want to be like them or despise what they stand for.

Either way I’ve got 3 reasons you’ll love them more or at the very least, turn that hate into tender feelings.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Episode 29. How to Respond to Questions about Your Origin.

What are you? Where are you really from? I'm guessing you've been asked these questions multiple times. And does it get better? It didn't for me. And then I figured out something while looking at journalism and verbal abuse. That how we answer this question can shift how we feel about it and the dynamics of the conversation.

I revisit this topic from Episode 1 with another way we could respond to questions about our origin. Utilising the same information I learned about conversations, I add in a more direct element. In this episode, I discuss the philosophy with how I respond (which is beneficial to how I feel) and then walk through the components of a great answer that leaves you with love of your origin story.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Episode 28: Who really gets anger? Understanding anger doesn't often happen when we're in the middle of it. But understanding how this emotion works can help prepare us to handle it better the next time around.

The biggest issue we face with emotions is unlearning all the stuff our family, friends and society have taught us. I discuss four falsehoods that were necessary in knowing before I could get a handle on the emotions.

Then, I had to learn what anger was actually about. I use the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner as well as my own experiences with changing how I utilise anger in my life.

Sources:

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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What is your relationship with anger? Sometimes the signs of a poor relationship with anger are hidden.

Episode 27:

I discuss the meaning of anger and a framework based on the Alcoholics Anonymous JADE acronym. I use it a little differently to highlight the subtle ways we may have a poor relationship with anger and we're not fully utilising the potential of the emotion.

J = Justify Your Actions

A = Agrue Your Position

D = Defend Yourself

E = Explaining Why You're Right

I add an "S" at the end and it stands for Silence.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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The meaning of finding yourself and the first step to getting to know yourself better.

Episode 26:

A simple way? Yes! Sometimes it can seem like a really big journey with a final destination but finding is yourself involves getting to know yourself. The steps are easy but what's hard is continuing the journey to better understand ourselves.

I define finding yourself as consciously knowing what your desires and beliefs are. And from there, then deciding to change them or not. But often are "true" desires and beliefs and buried in what I call as an unknown bed. It's the foundation from which we operate our daily lives.

But for most of us, and this was me, I was so unaware of what I truly wanted in life and what beliefs I was holding onto and determining how I behaved in my life.

I talk through a simple exercise that are the first steps in getting to know yourself better and share with you parts of my personal journey.

Questions mentioned in the episode:

Why does it matter to you?
Why do you think/feel this?
So what?
Why is this important to you?
Why do you care?
Why would(n't) you do that?
Why do you like (not like) it?
What's the big deal?

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Episode 25. The main reason why we have communication problems and the answer to improving our listening or speaking skills.

We usually try and fix communication problems from a symptomatic approach. We think we need a class to learn how to present better or we think we're not natural with words because of our introverted personality.

While some of these solutions can resolve issues, they can only work effectively when we understand the fundamental reason why we listen or speak ineffectively. And it has to do with emotional health.

Most communication problems come from emotional problems. When we lack the ability to recognise (consciously) and manage our emotions healthily, communication problems especially in our relationships arise.

And to break it down further, emotional health problems stem from two factors - worrying about other people's opinions or constantly judging others. Weird?

These two factors are a mirror effect of each others. When we spend too much in someone else's head - by thinking about what they think of us or by drawing conclusions about how someone behaves - we aren't spending time in our head.

And we need to spend time in our own head so that we can actually improve our emotional well-being to improve how we communicate in all our relationships.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Episode 24.

How to handle being a token in the workplace or social groups you find yourself in.

Being a token means your representation in a group masks policies or beliefs that contradict your equality in that group. In terms of sexism or racism, a woman who is a person of colour could disguise sexist and/or racist policies in the workplace or a community.

I discuss four signs of a group that indicate tokenism is present and how these signs reflect certain beliefs and behaviours. Directly looking at what these beliefs and behaviours mean can provide a way to view and handle being a token.

Further, I use the wisdom from Dr. Ibram X. Kendi in his book, How to be an Anti-Racist, to evaluate your relationship with tokenism. There is an immense amount of unconscious burden we can put on ourselves when dealing with tokenism. And recognising the behavioural constructs in a group can help alleviate it.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Being selfish isn't what you think it is. I had gotten this turned around in my head and once I connected some dots a lot stuff in my life around self-care and giving started to make sense.

We are not meant to give 100% of the time. But we can give to our full potential. And that means we can give a lot more by not giving 100% of our time away.

Selfishness is misunderstood today. And we're trying to correct our view of it through advocating self-care and making it less of a "bad" word. Yet, we still don't get it. Why is that?

We often go around judging others as selfish from a misinformed definition of it. We think lack of thoughtfulness or consideration makes people unkind and indeed, selfish. And when we don't find ourselves considering everyone in our life, we feel guilty.

Then, the guilt doesn't lead to any sort of appropriate self-care. But there's a caveat (always). When you don't consciously make a decision to practice self-care you will inevitably be selfish in some aspect of your life unconsciously.

And that's the crux of selfishness. We end up "being selfish" when we don't practice self-care. And then not reach our full potential of giving and contribution in this world.

Link to podcast episode referenced from The Life Coach School podcast (episode #304).

https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/304/

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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When I was 8 years old, I heard my first racial slur. Not only did I hear it, I said it to someone else. Now, as an adult I share with you a recent incident involving racial comments and how these 2 tales connect to each other.

This episode is a little different in that I share with you two personal stories, one from when I was 8 years old to a recent incident in adulthood. Both involving racial comments.

When I was 8 years old, I heard my first racial slur. Not only did I hear it, I said it to someone else. At the time, I had no understanding of what I had done yet I was still guilty of behaving as a racist. Even more so, I had no understanding of how that experience would impact me today as an adult.

As an adult person of colour, I continue to deal with racial comments and when I look back at my 8 year old self I have a lot to be grateful for. I hope you enjoy these two tales.

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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You ever meet someone who can just laugh off other people’s opinions and you were like what’s their secret!? Well, I accidentally discovered it and it was a hard pill to swallow but an effective way to not care what others think about you. It requires a “mind recipe” (kind of like a cake recipe but with no calories!) And in today’s episode I share it!

Continuing from Episode 19: Other People's Opinions, I focus on how you can "really" not care about someone else's opinion. Is that possible?

Well, we're "wired" in our brains to care about others. During childhood we want our primary caregivers to "like" us to ensure they continue to invest in taking care of us. And into adulthood we care because it builds community and friendship.

Ultimately, we do care however, we can really not care to the point that it doesn't affect us in a "negative" way like obsessing about it or judging the other person. And in fact, other people's opinions can influence us in a "positive" way.

What? Even when you don't agree wholeheartedly with other people's opinions their opinion can add to your life. It starts with a "mind recipe". I call it a recipe because there is no one trick that will set you free from other people's opinions.

It works much like a cake recipe in that you need to mix all the ingredients together (in your mind instead of a bowl) and that will give you the ability not to care. As you start to put together these elements and frame in it your head, hearing and "digesting" other people's opinions will be easier. And in fact, something you can laugh at!

I’m T. Vyas (she/her), you can call me "T" because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast or at the blog: bareinmindpodcast.com.

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Who loves fasting? I didn't! I’ve been working on my health through food and have learned my first 3 lessons through changing my food habits and fasting. I discuss how the lessons came about and you might consider looking at food, dieting and even fasting in a new light!

I thought of myself as a person that would never fast! Those judgements kept me from looking into something that could grow me. And did it ever!

After dealing with 'small' health problems like feeling tired all the time, I did what I normally do, read a bunch of books. And I found myself immersed with gut health. There's a lot of common themes that came up throughout the books and well, one of them was fasting.

I, of course, thought that it wasn't for me. So, I took the other advice in the books and started with some changes in my diet. These changes were different than any dieting I had done before. Some dieting programs that I had been on taught me eat less and exercise more. But often there was no real knowledge in what I was putting in my body.

We get the usual calorie management and eat more fruits and vegetables rhetoric yet I missed something in earlier diet plans. And when it came to looking at food in ways to 'cure' my chronic ailments that was something that lead me to look at food and fasting in a while new light.

In this episode, I focus on what I learned in the beginning and I continue to learn and continue my journey with food and as well as continue to fast periodically.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast.

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Do you care about other people's opinions? I know I did, a lot. And when it comes to handling other people's opinions I've been taught some beliefs that well, didn't help me "handle" other people's opinions. This episode is about correcting those well intentioned false beliefs.

I used to never feel good about other people's opinions. It may seem obvious that we might not feel good about them if we disagree with them but why did it mean that it had to be a negative experience when there wasn't 100% agreement.

From feedback at work to slight comments from friends, I never felt good about people expressing their opinions to me. I often had disagreements in my head about them and found I spent a lot of my time obsessing about them. And that wasn't useful to anyone.

Is it even possible to feel positive about other people's opinions when we don't agree? And the answer is Yes! We can actually feel good about ourselves and the other person when we have differing viewpoints.

The problem arises from a common falsehood we are taught in our society. We are taught not to care about other people's opinions and compounds the "negative" experience when we hear something we don't like.

The advice not to care about other people's opinions backfires because of the simple fact that humans are meant to care about what others think. So, then, how do we handle other people's opinions. What's the strategy?

I discuss a mental framework that I use that has helped me obsess less and also feel good about other people's opinions. Enjoy!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Seriously, I hated small talk. A lot of people do yet, it’s not going away. Over the years that I’ve had to do this because of my career or moving to a new location, I’ve changed my approach to this necessary step to getting to know each other. I share with you one strategy I use today that makes small talk a bit more fun (for yourself).

Some say skip the small talk all together. Find "your" people and there's no need for it. Is that really your experience? It wasn't mine. Small talk, the initial getting to know someone, happens whether we like it or not.

It's either an awkward thing we fumble through because the participants aren't excited about it or we don't do it well. There's, of course, another answer to making small talk something you can actually look forward to. No, really!

Through my experiences with my career and moving locations, I've had to learn 'small talk'. And it's not something we are born with. On the contrary, I needed to figure out how to make it work for me. In other words, how to make it enjoyable. Because part of making small talk a success is the fact that you actually enjoy the conversation you are in, no matter how 'small' or 'big' the topic is.

Join me as I share with you techniques that I use today whenever I meet someone new and how that's worked out for me over the years!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T because most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Are we even doing it right? I wasn't. I understood it intellectually but believing in your boundaries enough to act on it was a stretch for me. I discuss a recent event with a friend that helped me see what the actual "action" we take when we uphold our personal boundaries.

I extend my learning of boundaries from episode 7 (Boundaries for beginners) where the first lesson was about how I need to uphold my boundaries and others don't need to respect them. This mind shift was so invaluable that it catapulted my journey further after a slow 10 years of "trying" to practice them.

And every time I felt my personal boundaries were crossed I understood that ultimately I needed to act upon that if I wanted to. Yet, that specific action we take when we begin to uphold our boundaries, what is it specifically?

I share a recent event with a friend that made the vague concept of boundaries even more clear. It wasn't until after the incident with her and my own journey with boundaries that I had understood boundaries in a whole new way, again!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Hello! My name’s T. My name has been mispronounced, my father’s name has been changed when he immigrated and well, T. became a nickname. It used to bother me when my name was mispronounced and then I got a wake up call: a very loud, annoying call.

Shakespeare once wrote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet".

I venture to think that that's also true when we mispronounce each other's names. And we all do. No matter how many languages we know and cultures we get to know, our self-education doesn't supersede our humanness - our ability to make mistakes.

In this episode, I discuss a small journey into understanding my shortcomings and how my judgement of others ended up being a judgement of myself. My family name and even my first name have been mispronounced so much that it seemed like the only option was to, in fact, change it to fit in with the culture I was growing up.

That wasn't the solution and yet, what could be a solution? Listen in as I explore Shakespeare's words with how we (mis)pronounce each other's names.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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We're not really taught this, are we? We are most often taught about saying No. Whether it's No to calories or social media, we don't often learn what saying No and Yes really mean.

From our families to our culture to our friends, how we say Yes and No are influenced greatly by social decorum. And in this episode I cut through the messiness of saying No and in particular the Yes within the No.

We're usually not taught this and I know I wasn't growing up. There are too many rules and etiquette to when to say No and Yes that the script in my head was getting confusing.

And what makes it more confusing is how we take others' No's and Yes's. It's necessary to separate others vs. our own. And even then, how do we, as an adult, begin to understand how we are saying No and Yes to everything in our lives.

If we want to change a habit or the way we are in a relationship, we probably fair a better chance knowing the what and how of our decisions. Every Yes and No comes with its counter opposite and this is the journey I explore in this episode.

I share some personal stories from saying Yes and No in my Indian family and then trying to change a habit in increasing my productivity. Join me as I work this out in my head and maybe you'll find a thing or two about your Yes's and No's.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Hot and Cold in any relationship is confusing; that intense sharing then you're left cold. I know I've done this to others. Now, I'm getting a Hot and Cold pattern with a new friendship and I make sense of this pattern from the other side - something I hadn't seen in myself.

Can you get re-ghosted over and over again? This hot and cold pattern of intense sharing to no contact and then back again. I didn't think this could happen in adult friendship yet, this pattern is something I had perpetuated in my own life.

Friends were hot and cold with me but I also was hot and cold with them. And recently, I experienced this familiar pattern but now I'm more aware and could see it happening in real-time.

I chronicle my journey with an acquaintance that I've known for years and a hot and cold pattern started to emerge as we tried to develop some sort of friendship. It has been an eye opening experience to been on the receiving end of a hot and cold contact pattern and it end up revealing more things about me than it did about her.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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“I don’t get as dark as you in the sun.” In small subtle ways by every ethnic group my physical features with regard to my ethnicity have been commented on. I discuss my evolving personal boundaries about any comment on my physical features.

My family, who look like me, regularly commented on my skin tone. This isn't out of the ordinary for many South Asians families where they regard lighter skin to be beautiful (and my skin is not light).

In every day conversation I have dealt with comments from all ethnicities and races about skin colour, hair, food, etc. It's so common that I didn't even realise how common it was until seeing how common it was.

I didn't like these comments, even from my family or close friends. And this didn't mean that I was exempt from this behaviour. Not only did it bother me but I also contributed to the commonplaceness of such comments.

With my own set of rules, I made it ok when and where to make comments about other people's bodies. When you have your own rules and don't really know them, it gets kind of hard to see what's going on when it comes to how we want to establish personal boundaries in our lives. It's not as easy as following a prescribed set of rules.

Resource(s):

The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash (The University of Chicago Press)

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Emotional intimacy is talked about yet, the mechanisms of how to begin to have it with yourself and others is often skipped. I discuss my "beginnings" on my journey and my goal to having better intimacy in my life.

I found 4 signs in myself that told me maybe I don't have the best intimacy with myself and then, with others. Together, these 4 signs illustrated to me that I needed to take a deeper look at it.

I go through the 4 signs and share a personal story of how setting a boundary and failing helped me jump start my journey into exploring intimacy with myself. I only discuss emotional intimacy and through the story show how intimacy isn't an "either or" thing when it comes to intimacy with oneself and then another.

If intimacy and boundaries are so important to healthy relationships, we are not taught how each of them can impact the other. And if we fail at either then how can we build intimacy through these failings.

All of this I look into through my hindsight perspective of a situation with a friend at university. She gave me a nickname and well, I didn't like it. And it may seem so simple as setting boundary and yet, it told me a lot more about myself and further increased the intimacy I had with myself.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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How did your boundaries develop? How much was influenced by your childhood? Join me as I go through learnings from natural human development philosophies like Baby Led Weaning to better understand how we somehow got to adulthood with a certain set of boundaries.

Are you conscious of your personal boundaries? All of them? Not everyone has the same ones, seen easily from culture to culture. So how do we go about understanding our boundaries better? That's the answer I wanted for a long time.

I bring in learnings from a bunch of readings on natural human body and mind development and let you decide how your environment, society, family and friends have influenced your choices in having certain boundaries.

Consider how parents make decisions about your body from a young age, it could be piercings to your hair length. The food you eat and how you should eat. What values you should have, spiritually or religious wise.

All of this is taken in before our mind is fully developed. That is about 25 years of influence before we are 100% mature (according to research on emotional intelligence).

Then, the question becomes if our mind isn't fully developed to its full, ripe state when we learn about our body, do you then assume personal boundaries and go about your life without fully understanding the impact on us and our relationships.

Resources:

Grubinger, Lenore. "On the Way to Walking: The Essential Guide to Natural Movement Development". Florence, MA: Amajoy Developmental Movement & Bodywork, 2016.

MacNamara, Deborah. "Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One". Vancouver, Aona Books, 2016.

Hanscom, Angela J. "Balanced and Barefoot (How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children)". Oakland, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2016.

Rapley, Gill and Tracey Murkett. "Baby-Led Weaning: The Essential Guide - How to Introduce Solid Foods and Help Your Baby to Grow Up a Happy and Confident Eater". New York, The Experiment, 2010.

Goleman, Daniel. "Emotional Intelligence: Why it Matters More than IQ". Bantam, 1995.

Payne, Kim John and Ross, Lisa M. "Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids". Ballantine Books, 2010.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Every 10 episodes I'm going to share with you a topic I love but I didn't always love it, in fact, I hated it. For the first one, I dive into Traditions - any traditions really - from birthday parties to weddings, etc. With help of some learnings along the way, I learned to love it and I discuss what helped!

Maybe they're a sense of obligation for you? With your family or even your friends. And with the COVID pandemic traditions have changed but the essence and the importance of it has not.

Even before we were "forced" to change the way in which we gather, traditions bugged me. I didn't even celebrate my birthday to the point I didn't want any one of my friends to now the day! Crazy? Well, you've come to the right place and you're not alone.

I thought I knew what traditions were but I really had no clue as to their purpose and/or significance they play in our lives. A big shift in my understanding came in reading the book The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, who is, well, an expert on our gatherings. She brings fresh insight and a new way to look at any gathering we have in our lives - from the ancient to the recent (i.e. Zoom calls).

I also had a little help from the book The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash, which is a book I reference in several prior episodes about Ethnicity. Luckily this coincidence coincided with this episode. Here are the links to the resources I discuss in the episode:

The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash (The University of Chicago Press)

The Art of Gathering - How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker

Podcast: Together Apart (The New York Times) 8 April 2020 - "How is this night different than all the other nights?"

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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How are ethnicity and identity linked? I tackle this challenging question after reading a book by anthropologist Manning Nash and reflecting more on the question “What’s your ethnicity?” that I discussed in Episode 2.

It's such an emotionally charged question, What's your ethnicity? I take on the topic of ethnicity once again but this time looking at it from the association with our identity. Or is there one?

I reference a book I recently finished reading called The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by anthropologist Manning Nash. He provided a ton of insight into ethnicity after living in 3 different continents to study it. And, of course, raised more questions as all effective teachers along the way do.

Even with having more questions, I felt I had a better understanding in how I viewed ethnicity and even how I answer the question: "What's your ethnicity?" And even a better sense of what is identity. It's by no means a clear cut, easy to define concept but maybe that's really the beauty of it?

In tackling this topic, although I don't go into the docuseries much in this episode, I reflect back on the series, Enslaved (2020) featuring Samuel L. Jackson as I intermingle my thoughts into what ethnicity and identity really mean (to me, anyway).

Links:

The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash (The University of Chicago Press)

Enslaved (2020) - EPIX

Enslaved (2020) featuring Samuel L. Jackson - BBC Two

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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Changing your habits in any relationship is tough. There's one thing that could help before starting a new habit and help you maintain it for the long haul.

Traditional meditation, mindfulness techniques didn't work for me. And so I offer another way to understand your habits so that you can gain the insight you need to make a lasting effect in your life and in particular in your relationships. It's not easy and I won't pretend otherwise. What I will tell you is that in this episode I discuss a tool I still use today that allows me to gain knowledge about my habits and leads to a greater understanding that propels the change I want to see.

If you really want to change a habit because you want to and not because someone else wants you to, then you can rely on knowing that there is a technique that you can use in your daily life that will break open a common barrier that we all have in understanding our patterns.

Let's grab that script and get cozy and tune in into a tool that you can start using right now!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

Website: bareinmindpodcast.com

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This isn't me imparting advice as an expert in boundaries but rather sharing with you the one thing I learned this past year that I wish I had learned when I started my journey towards healthy boundaries 10 years ago.

No matter where you at in your journey with establishing healthy boundaries, this episode can help if you're wondering if you have healthy boundaries or if you're on track to establishing them.

I started my journey with boundaries about 10 years ago and have made many mistakes along the way and continue to do so. In all my readings and practices around boundaries, I failed to take on a necessary perspective and practice in order to uphold my boundaries while still maintaining intimacy in my relationships.

In a first discussion on boundaries, as I will continue in further episodes on this, I share with you 2 attempts to have healthy boundaries in my relationships and what happened as a result. I look forward to sharing more with you in future episodes as this topic, no doubt, involves discussion about love, colour and identity!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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Part 2 on How to Handle Poor Questions features a tool I modified from the wonderful psycholinguist Suzette Haden Elgin. Her work inspired me to change how I respond to poor questions and create dialogue with people that I normally wouldn't have.

We pretty much can recognise a poor question in a conversation, they ask them, we ask them. It isn't necessarily something we are taught or actively try to improve. So, how do we create dialogue when Yes/No questions are asked or scripted questions to people of colour are asked?

I discuss two tools, the first one in part one and the second in part two that I have learned from reading books on journalism and verbal abuse. Odd? Yet, the tools from these two extreme forms of conversation lay a foundation in understanding creating good communication.

I combine both tools and have modified these tools for everyday conversations. I share with you the principles behind them so you can handle any poor questions that comes your way. I also share with you my experience in using these tools in my daily life over the past 7 years.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @lovehowbc.

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In part one of handling poor questions, I discuss one tool that is needed to handle any question. Poor questions are common in everyday conversations and although, better questions can create better dialogue, sometimes it's how we handle them that can ultimately create it.

We pretty much can recognise a poor question in a conversation, they ask them, we ask them. It isn't necessarily something we are taught or actively try to improve. So, how do we create dialogue when Yes/No questions are asked or scripted questions to people of colour are asked?

I discuss two tools, the first one in part one and the second in part two that I have learned from reading books on journalism and verbal abuse. Odd? Yet, the tools from these two extreme forms of conversation lay a foundation in understanding creating good communication.

I combine both tools and have modified these tools for everyday conversations. I share with you the principles behind them so you can handle any poor questions that comes your way. I also share with you my experience in using these tools in my daily life over the past 7 years.

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast

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There's actually one way to tell what others find interesting about you. And what if you don't agree with them? Then what?

In our social groups it's sometimes visible to see what people find interesting about you and others. And the focus on some aspects of who we are seem to be of more interest than other aspects. Like the aspects we find interesting about ourselves. Why is that? And what do you think makes others interesting to you?

I answer these questions from experiences from my past and add in 2 recent conversations with some friends where what they found interesting about me wasn't so interesting to me. What did I do? Let's discuss!

I highly recommend you check out Episode 3 entitled "What makes you interesting?" before this episode (of course, it's not a requirement).

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @lovehowbc.

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We're all ordinary, aren't we? And we're all interesting? Is it one or the other? What does it mean and how are we interesting and unique in this world when each of us is also an ordinary human.

We have fun answering this question and what your answers mean. I discuss the difference between what makes you interesting and unique. And how what you find interesting about yourself reveals about you. If that makes any sense?!

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @lovehowbc.

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A word such as ethnicity seems like a neat word to express a simple idea and as many people of colour know, we understand ethnicity isn't simple and thinking about our own ethnicity in relation to how others perceive it evokes emotions.

I take a first tackle at this seemingly "direct" question and bring in some thoughts that have been prompted from the book, The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash and the docuseries entitled Enslaved (2020) featuring Samuel L. Jackson.

Links:

The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World by Manning Nash (The University of Chicago Press)

Enslaved (2020) - EPIX

Enslaved (2020) featuring Samuel L. Jackson - BBC Two

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @lovehowbc.

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Answering Race and Ethnicity Questions

Episode 1

It's one of the first questions that gets asked when you meet someone for the first time: Where are you from? And if you're a person of colour it's usually followed by "Where are you really from?" Is it really taboo to ask a person of colour or can it be a welcomed question?

I discuss my starting point of irritation with these types of questions to my love of getting asked this in my social interactions. It’s become a great opportunity for people of colour and I discuss how in the full episode.

Videos (on YouTube) mentioned in the episode:

Helpmefindparents: “What kind of Asian are you?”
BBC Three: “Where Are You From? The Game."

I’m T. Vyas, you can call me T became most people do. I’m, as you’ve guessed, a person of colour who looks forward to chatting with you about some things identity, some things colour and ALL things Love! Tune in Tuesdays for a new episode! In the meantime, you can find me on Instagram @bareinmind.podcast.

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