Fostering Marriage

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We’re discussing the hurtful practice of minimizing your spouse’s needs, thoughts and feelings, and how to do a better job of prioritizing them.

Understanding Your Spouse's Perspective

The importance of empathy in marriage, especially under the strains of fostering.

The Impact of Minimizing and Undervaluing

Negative consequences of not fully acknowledging your spouse's needs and struggles in a fostering environment.

Disconnection
Bitterness and resentment
Hurt feelings
Anger
Guardedness
Isolation
Poor mental/emotional health

What does minimizing/under-valuing look like:

Dismissing Concerns: When your spouse expresses worries or concerns, responding with statements like "You're overreacting" or "It's not that big of a deal" dismisses their feelings.
Comparative Suffering: Saying things like "Why are you upset about this when there are bigger problems in the world?" or "I've been through worse" invalidates their struggles by comparing them to others'.
Ignoring Emotional Needs: If your spouse seeks emotional support and you respond with indifference, like changing the subject or showing a lack of interest, it can feel like their needs are being minimized.
Sarcasm or Mockery: Responding to your spouse's feelings or struggles with sarcasm, like "Oh, you're a real victim, aren't you?" or making fun of their concerns can be deeply hurtful.
Downplaying Achievements: If your spouse shares an achievement or something they're proud of and you respond with "That's not a big deal" or "Anyone could have done that," it undermines their feelings of accomplishment.
Belittling Emotions: Statements like "Stop being so sensitive" or "You're always so emotional" can make your spouse feel that their emotions are not valid or are an overreaction.
Interrupting or Not Listening: When your spouse is talking about their feelings or concerns, consistently interrupting them or not really listening (e.g., looking at your phone) can convey that you don't value what they're saying.
Offering Solutions Instead of Empathy: Sometimes, in an attempt to be helpful, one might jump to offering solutions ("Just do this instead") without acknowledging the emotional aspect. While well-intentioned, this can come off as dismissive of the emotional experience your spouse is sharing.

Strategies for Prioritizing Each Other's Needs

Prioritizing each other's needs and feelings in a marriage, especially when one spouse is struggling, involves a blend of empathy, communication, and shared responsibility. Here are some strategies that married couples can use:

Active Listening: Make time to truly listen to each other without interruptions. This means not just hearing the words, but also understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. Active listening involves acknowledging what your partner is saying and showing empathy.
Regular Communication: Set aside regular times to check in with each other. This could be daily or weekly, but it's important to have a consistent schedule. Discuss not just day-to-day activities, but also deeper feelings and concerns.
Empathy and Understanding: Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes, especially when they're struggling. Understanding their perspective can help in responding more compassionately and supportively.
Managing Expectations: Be realistic about what each of you can offer and receive. This means understanding and accepting each other's limitations, whether they're emotional, physical, or related to time and energy.
Prioritizing Self-Care: Both partners need to take care of their own emotional and physical well-being. It’s hard to be supportive if you are feeling drained. Encourage and support each other in engaging in self-care activities.
Seeking Help When Needed: Sometimes, it's beneficial to seek external support. This could be from a therapist, counselor, or trusted advisor. Professional help can provide tools and strategies to manage difficult times more effectively.
Quality Time Together: Spend quality time together, doing activities that both enjoy. It’s important to maintain a connection that isn’t just about addressing problems.
Expressing Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and appreciation for each other. Recognizing and vocalizing the good in your relationship can build a stronger bond.
Setting Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries within your relationship. This includes respecting each other’s need for space, privacy, and individuality.
Shared Goals and Values: Revisit and reaffirm your shared goals and values. This can help in aligning your efforts and understanding what you both want from the relationship.

Conclusion

Prioritizing your spouse’s needs, thoughts and feelings creates a stronger bond in your marriage.

Thank you for listening to the Fostering Marriage podcast, and thank you to Laura for the review.

She said “I wish I had found this sooner! This podcast has been a Godsend. It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in these struggles, and to get powerful advice and specific tips on how to overcome them.”

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

If you’re interested in marriage coaching with us, go to fosteringmarriage.com and click "Marriage Coaching".

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We’ve all heard it. "Date your spouse." "You need date nights!"

Let's flip the script and introduce something we call “Connection Night.”

The Benefits of Connection for Foster Parents

Fostering can be incredibly rewarding, but also challenging, and maintaining a strong relationship is essential.

Connection nights offer:

Connection and bonding.
Stress relief and rejuvenation.
A break from parenting responsibilities.
Improved communication and conflict resolution.

Problems Faced When Foster Parents Neglect Connection

Neglecting connection nights can lead to:

Burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Strained relationships.
Reduced ability to support foster children effectively.
A feeling of being disconnected as a couple.

Inexpensive Connection Ideas for Foster Parents

Budget-friendly date ideas for busy foster parents:

Lock - In
Cook Together: Collaborate on a special meal, maybe even experimenting with new recipes.
Game Night: Play board games or card games, providing fun competition and interaction.
Picnic in the Park: Pack a simple picnic and enjoy the outdoors while the kids are at school or daycare.
Art Night: Get creative with art supplies or crafts.
Book Club for Two: Choose a book to read together and discuss it.
Volunteer Together: Give back as a couple by volunteering at a local charity or community event.
Home Spa Night: Pamper each other with massages, facials, or simply a relaxing bath.
Nature Walk: Explore a nearby nature trail or park.
Star Gazing: Enjoy a clear night by lying under the stars with a blanket.

Tips for Making Connection Nights a Priority

Strategies for ensuring date nights become a regular part of your routine:

Schedule them in advance.
Enlist the help of friends, family, or babysitters.
Be flexible with your time.
Communicate your needs with your partner.

Prioritizing Connection Nights can help maintain a strong and healthy relationship, while providing the best care for the foster children. Remember, a strong couple is the foundation for a strong family.

Thank you for listening to the Fostering Marriage podcast. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review our podcast to help us reach more foster parents and caregivers.

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com. We're here to support you in your fostering journey.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

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In this month's episode, we’re discussing how to recognize and navigate grief together in marriage because grief is such a big part of the fostering and even adoption journey.

We have a very special guest with us, Dr. Melody Aguayo!

Dr. Melody is a parenting coach with a huge heart for families and children. With many years under her belt, Melody's seen it all: from high-risk kids needing a guiding hand, to those neurotypical dynamos that keep parents on their toes. She's all about swapping out those stressful control battles for a home filled with joy and peace.

Melody's not your average coach. She digs deep into understanding what makes parents tick (and occasionally ticked off!).

She has her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from East Tennessee State University and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Capella University. Plus, she's a certified TBRI Practitioner and Circle of Security Parent Trainer. But here's the thing – she says it’s her own journey as a parent that has been her greatest teacher. She’s a wife and mother of two adopted children and our parenting coach.

Dr. Melody shares about:

How grief commonly manifests in couples who are involved in fostering
How couples can effectively communicate their grief to each other without feeling overwhelmed
How to recognize signs of grief in each other
What to do when you're grieving and how to deal with it better
When to seeking professional help for grief
How to support each other through the grieving process
How to keep from burning out
How to build resilience for long-term coping with grief

And lastly, Dr. Melody dishes on who loads the dishwasher better between her and her husband? :)

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com.

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In part 2 of our “Identity outside of fostering” series, we cover traps to avoid and how our self-perception shapes how we communicate.

IntroductionToday, we’re getting into some deeper things concerning identity, and we want to shed some light on the traps or dangers of how we see ourselves to help all of us make better decisions in our lives and especially in our marriages.

We’re approaching this from the perspective of a stay at home parent. However, if you’re not a stay at home parent and still struggling with this, take the content and apply it to you.

Traps that trip us up:

Comparing yourself to your spouse

Leads to jealousy, bitterness or resentment
That leads to conflict in your marriage

Comparing yourself to your former life before marriage or kids

Leads to depression, anger, shame, feelings of unworthiness
That leads marriage issues because your spouse doesn’t like the “new” you, or you feel like they couldn’t possibly
Victim mentality can happen where you even blame your spouse for life today

If one spouse pressures the other to be more, do more, achieve more

Leads to one person feeling like a failure or not good enough especially for their spouse

Caring a lot about your spouse’s opinion to the point you allow it to shape your self-perception

Culture/societal expectations that are real or perceived that leave you feeling insignificant or unworthy

Controlling people or a controlling spouse whom you lack healthy boundaries with leaving you feeling:

Guilted or like a disappointment or a failure
Leads to major people pleasing because you feel that will make them happy and then they’ll like you, or to avoid assumed conflict or maybe they’ll eventually be nicer to you if you please them
This doesn’t work and just reinforces unworthiness and a poor self-image

How your spouse’s opinion/care/support affect a spouse’s identity in good ways

Supportive and caring of you
Accepting of who you are
Encouraging to grow and improve but not in a controlling way
Encouraging of you as a parent and the important work you’re doing
Encouraging breaks and replenishment time

Identity and communication

In an argument, people sometimes communicate from a place of defending who they see themselves as or who we want someone else to see us as

For example, in an argument or fight, we say things like “I’m just trying to get you to see (insert positive thing about yourself or your intent)
The goal is to be heard or understood because you’re feeling not understood which leaves a person feeling sad, alone or worse, rejected

Another thing people do is they subtly or not so subtly share things that are meant to make us look good to someone else

Again, this is another one of those finding worth and significance in people’s opinions of us and how it makes us feel better about ourselves
The question is why don’t we feel fine about ourselves without people’s opinion or affirmation

How we see ourselves is so powerful and so much of our thinking, decisions and emotions hinges on self-perception.

Finding freedom in self-forgetfulness

The pursuit of selflessness and less selfishness

Shedding of ego and pride allows a married couple to be serving, generous and sacrificial to each other

Contentment and health can be found in neither holding an identity of good or bad, significant or insignificant, but in not focusing on self so much period and focusing on others

This can be monumentally challenging for some of us
Story about us adopting and how I (Joel) felt my selfishness come to the surface and it said “don’t do it.”
We have to practice not focusing on self

Conclusion

Author Rick Warren said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.”

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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In this episode, we’re talking about finding an identity outside of being a foster parent.

What is identity

Identity is who you see yourself as
Many people aren’t happy with who they see themselves as feel not good enough, not important/significant and can say things like “I’m just a mom or __________”

Joel interviews MaryBeth (the main parent in our family)

How did not financially contributing anymore impact you?
Tell me about guilt over not contributing “equally”?
How can a mom who has gifts, talents and an education and she’s not using them feel?
How did you get to a place of thinking this is where you belong?
How much did friendships help?
How much did the kids getting older make a difference?
How important is finding a new way to use your gifts and talents help?
How often do you think a mom/parent doesn’t treat themselves as equally important in the family and why is it so important for them to see themselves as equally important?
How can a mother reframe “motherhood” that helps them in the “small or mundane things” of being a mom?
What have been some of the most impactful books that helped you as a mom
How does this recipe help with a person’s identity in a good way? Or is it not really an identity thing after all

Conclusion

Next month we will be going deeper into identity and self perception, looking at how it shows up and affects you and your marriage.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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In this episode, we’re talking about recognizing and working through bad responses to each other as a result of stress and things that trigger you.

Stressors of fostering:

The stressors that the main load bearer can have (episode 13)
Bulk of tasks (paperwork to organizing now chaotic schedules) to parenting (often a child - or children with trauma)
Stressors that the non-load bearer can have.
There’s still a load they’re carrying including emotional, parenting challenges of their own, worry about the load bearer, or guilt or feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of the load bearer or even shame of not knowing what to do to help situations
Triggers
Our Root System
Brief mention of personality styles and how they come into play - listen to those episodes (episodes 5 & 6)

Bad Responses:

Highlight certain responses: angry, defensive, frustrated, etc.
Recognize you’re triggered
Importance of beginning to self-manage
If you need to pause the conversation, pause it so you can regroup
There’s no value in contributing to conflict

Questions to ask yourself

What is bothering me/ What is the real problem?
Why is that bothering me/ a problem?
What is it I want them to hear from me?
Do I just want to be heard? Do I want something to change?
Am I making assumptions?
Did I assume bad intent in my spouse?
I’m being judged
Am I assuming their expectations?
(me and assuming that Joel wanted the house clean) (ask the question.)
Am I believing any lies?

How to re-start communication

When communication goes bad, we need to communicate about communication, not the topic anymore
Soften tone
Each person share how they contributed to conflict, what they’re responsible for, what they were struggling with in the conversation (without attacking/accusing) and apologize for stuff
And then pick up the topic again
Practice better communication from what you just learned
Ask questions of each other
If/ when you’re triggered by what your spouse is saying, go back to pausing or softening your tone, asking yourself why you’re triggered, etc.
Finish telling the Joel late story

Conclusion

Personal growth and self-awareness takes time and practice and it’s essential to your marriage and parenting.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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We’re talking about the pursuit of selflessness, doing hard things, pain, sacrificing, or in other words, costly love.

Why are we talking about this? Because this is what we’ve all chosen by fostering, and it's not easy. It wears at everyone so we need perspective that helps us be strong and .......well, just keep perspective. We think this episode will accomplish that.

This episode isn’t a “5 keys to XXXX," or How-to episode, it’s something we all need to be reminded of and encouraged to keep focusing on.

The episode centers on the biblical story of Ruth and Naomi.

In this story, we see devotion, pain, suffering on many levels, selflessness, dying to self, and redemption. If you know this story, you may hear some new twists and perspective so don't assume anything. And if you're unfamiliar with it, it's a wonderful story we think you'll connect with, even if you're not of Jewish or Christian faith.

Regardless, we hope this episode encourages you and gives you new perspective to anchor your marriage in as you've chosen this difficult path of sacrificing for someone else.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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We're talking about splitting the mental load of being a foster parent, challenges and how to support each other.

Taking care of your mental and emotional health is so important when you’re pouring out a lot as a parent and facing different challenges and stressful situations day in and day out and you can quickly become like an engine running without oil.

Part of keeping your marriage first is helping each other mentally and emotionally

In a marriage we often fall into our roles of who does what.

Many times, one person takes the lead on the kids and/ or the fostering relationships - whether with DCS or the biological family as well as taking the lead on the fostering tasks - visits, therapies, communications, paperwork, documenting things, etc. Plus just the decision fatigue.

It's important for the spouse who doesn't take on as much to recognize how draining this can be and have empathy.

It's also important to remember you experience, process on and think about things differently.

Here are keys to practice, as the spouse who shoulders more load:

Communicate how you’re doing
Ask for help including breaks (30 minutes to a weekend)
Learning to accept help
Importance of date nights/get-aways/respite
Get help/coaching
Bring up what tasks can come off your plate
Expectation management (it won’t look like life before)
Day to day life/routine
How much you can really get done
Flex your picture of your life/lifestyle/home/routines

Here are keys to practice, as the spouse who doesn't shoulder as much:

Pay attention to your spouse and how they’re doing
Empathize and listen
Check in to see your spouse is doing from time to time
Don’t minimize your spouse’s experiences and feelings
Ask what you can take away from and be specific about it

Remember the big picture of keeping your marriage healthy (i.e. be careful of selfishness, wanting your routines/day-to-day to stay the same, etc.)

Keeping the big picture of a healthy marriage is so important so continue to openly communicate with each other to navigate the day to day, week to week challenges.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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Today we’re picking up our series on setting healthy boundaries with family and friends.

Setting boundaries can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.

The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundaries

Why are healthy boundaries so important?

Because your marriage is team #1
Protecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speech
Causes conflict and unhealth in you
Worst of all, causes bad health in your home, including your kids
Create disunity between the two of you

Signs of healthy boundaries

You protect yourself from being taken advantage of
You have margin in your life and don’t overcommit yourself
You have respectful communication with others
You have strong self-worth
You have close, trusting relationships
You only take responsibility for what you should
You can say “no” when needed
You can set limits for others and not feel guilty
You have a strong sense of identity and know who you are
You understand you can’t heal other people or change them for that matter
You clearly communicate your needs and wants

Signs of potential unhealthy boundaries

Allow yourself to be used
Over-commit your time or to other people
Low self-worth and critical of yourself
Feel exhausted and burnt out regularly
Have a hard time saying “no”
Feel guilty for trying to set boundaries
Change yourself to fit in with others
Own other people’s problems as your own
You constantly put other people’s needs before your own

When your spouse won’t set a boundary with someone they should

Express what you’re experiencing from the person you think a boundary should be set with
Express what you’re experiencing in your spouse
“It seems like you don’t want to address it or don’t see the problem, etc.”
Express how you see it negatively impacting them/you/your marriage/your family

Ask questions like:

What do you think about what I’m sharing?
What do you think we should do?
What’s your view point?
How do we get resolution together?
Ultimately, if they won’t set it or you can’t get on the same page…
You may need to set it
You may seek counseling to better work through these things
You may need to distance yourself from the person you need to set a boundary with
You need to continue to talk through this stuff together

What not to do when your spouse isn’t setting a healthy boundary

Attack or accuse
Belittle
Be passive aggressive
Guilt trip or shame them

How to set healthy boundaries

Think through and clarify your boundary or limit
Ask yourself these questions:
What’s making me uncomfortable?
Why does that make me uncomfortable/uneasy?
Am I over-reacting? (i.e Am I the problem for myself?”
What do I want to see change?
Prepare to communicate your boundary
Anticipate responses based on what you know about the person
Don’t try to plan for every single contingency with a prepared rebuttal
Prepare your introduction to help your boundary be received well
The best prepared intro may not matter depending on the other person and what they struggle with
The first few seconds of a potentially hard conversation can set the tone for the rest of it
Remember, some people will always respond poorly to healthy boundaries and that’s not your fault so have a healthy boundary and don’t receive it
If it’s a controlling person, anticipate them making you out to be the bad guy
Communicate it directly, kindly and clearly

Here’s how healthy boundaries sound with someone being controlling

“Thanks for your viewpoint but we’ve made our decision.”

“Thanks for your idea but we’re going to decide this as a couple.”

“This isn’t something I’m willing to discuss.”

“Please don’t do that/say that, I see it as unhelpful.”

“Please ask me next time.”

“Don’t make fun of the big hammer.”

“No” or “Nope” or in Spanish “No”.

“Nein” “Nyet” “Ne” (that’s Croatian, by the way)

You don’t have to follow “No” with an apology or explanation either

Final keys

It’s okay to repeat your boundary verbatim.
Be careful of setting your boundary, the person pushing back and you get pulled into an argument or tit-for-tat debate because you’ll most likely lose your boundary
Sometimes, it takes time and repetition for someone to get it.
If you’re being made out to be the bad guy and guilted in the moment, don’t receive it and you may just repeat your boundary
Don’t shift your boundaries by how you communicate them
This may look like softening your position or backing off of it a lot

ConclusionAgain, setting healthy boundaries is a critical life skill to keep yourself, your marriage and family healthy.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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In part 1 of our series on setting healthy boundaries, we’re talking about (cue dramatic music) setting healthy boundaries with family and friends.

This can be one of the hardest things for people to do but one of the most important.

We cover:

The difference between walls, boundaries and healthy boundaries
Why boundaries are so important to your marriage
Protecting your mental, physical, and emotional well-being by protecting against unhealthy or toxic opinions, behaviors, speech
How a lack of boundaries causes conflict and unhealth in you
Worst of all, how a lack of boundaries causes bad health in your home, including your kids and creates disunity between the two of you

Common times when healthy boundaries CAN be set:

Emotional energy
Time
Personal space
Morals and ethics
Material possessions and finances
Social media

Common times where healthy boundaries NEED to be set:

When someone is setting your reality in a controlling way (this CAN be well intended.)
Friend or family member tells you you shouldn't foster for whatever reasons.
When you're fostering - you get all the opinions on how you should be thinking or making decisions in a controlling way - not in an advisory way
When communication or advice isn’t wanted
Even when the person is totally well-meaning
You may be stressed, overwhelmed or whatever and others’ opinions/advice isn’t well-timed or helpful right now
When someone else’s behavior crosses boundaries
They do something you’ve requested they not do or vice versa, they refuse to do something you’ve requested and intentionally not doing it

Common mistakes people make instead of setting a healthy boundary:

Feeling the need to defend or protect
Lashing out
Allowing their reality to be set

What holds people back from setting them…period:

People without boundaries can be easily persuaded into things they don’t want to do because they may be acting out of guilt or obligation rather than what’s best for them or their family

Common ways people hold themselves back from setting them:

Thinking setting boundaries is mean or wrong or hurtful
Fear
People pleasing
Guilt after setting them before so they won’t do it again
Fear of making someone upset or angry
It’s stressful
It feels disloyal
Assuming people should “just know”
Not knowing what to say to set the boundary
They don’t think it’s their responsibility
For example, you have an issue with your in-law but your spouse won’t set entertain setting a boundary with their parent

Learning and practicing setting healthy boundaries is okay and a critically important skill for your personal well-being and your fostering marriage.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

Join us next month for part 2 of this series on healthy boundaries when we dive into signs of having healthy boundaries, signs of not having them, how to handle it when one of you won’t set a boundary and finally, how to set healthy boundaries.

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We pick up where we left off last month on developing a mindset that will best serve you in your marriage and when you’re fostering.

Understanding how we think is vitally important because our behavior, decisions, reactions and emotions all come from it

Now let’s get back into some key mindset and character traits that have served us well.

1. Kindness (or jocund :))

Definition - the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

What holds us back?

Defensiveness
Feeling out of control / anger / impatience
Victim mentality
Selfishness
Anticipating being attacked or actually being attacked
Self-protection
Having to be right
Shutting down
Assuming how they’re going to respond and having a pre-emptive strike
Feeling justified on responding unkindly because of your child’s / or bio-parents behavior

What it looks like in practice

Bio parent lashing out- how do you choose to respond?
Foster kid lashing out - instead of going with initial desired response - responding with kindness
Self-management of poor thinking/feelings/responses to kindness
Remembering that you can’t control someone’s actions but you can control your own

2. Selflessness

Definition - concern more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own.

What holds us back?

Selfishness
Self-protection = self-focus = selfishness

What it looks like in practice

Focusing on others’ needs over your own
Sacrificing and doing what’s hard for the benefit of others
Putting yourself in harm’s way

Benefits of this kind of mindset:

Spiritual growth and growing closer to God
Obedience to God and blessings that come from obedience
Developing resilience
What James in the bible says about counting suffering as joy
Less selfish as a person and a better servant to others
Seeing your bio-children learn and grow in these ways
Seeing your foster kids begin to heal or feel loved and safe
Joy in living out your faith and overcoming and getting through hard things especially when they work out well
Being proud of yourself (not prideful from a place of insecurity and boasting) and being proud of your spouse and kids

What does it look like when you or your spouse is struggling with one or more of these? How do you work together to be on the same page?

Reference episode 4 on parenting from the same page

Your best decisions come from your best thinking and the more you practice, the more blessings that you and your family will experience.

If you enjoyed this series on diving into mindset development, a compliment is the two-part series on understanding personality styles - episodes 5 and 6.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering marriages find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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When you’re doing hard things like fostering, developing a healthy mindset is everything.

We’re talking about developing a mindset that will best serve you in your marriage and when you’re fostering.

Understanding how we think is vitally important because our behavior, decisions, reactions and emotions all come from it

Personality styles play a huge part in our mindset and our character

Some key mindset and character traits that have served us well.

Now before we get into these, we’ve failed at every single one of these. These are things to focus on, practice and have as goals.

Surrender

Definition - Process of submitting to someone or a circumstance and being detached from desired outcomes

What holds us back?

Wanting control of people or outcomes/situations/expectations

What it looks like in practice

Acknowledging the outcomes/expectations that you desire (especially strongly) and that you don’t have control over
This is a mindset practice not a checking of the box thing
And it’s some of the hardest things we can face when we know it’s causing pain or problems to your child or family
But in it, there’s great opportunities to grow into a more surrendered and trusting person of God and practicing relinquishing control

Examples:

A. bio parents’ influence or behavior that drags stuff out

B. pursuing adoption in a circumstance like COVID delaying things

C. Not having control over mandates like visits, phone calls, etc. that seem to make things worse

D. Where kids go to school

E. Vaccinations

F. A process taking a long long long time

G. Surrendering to hard circumstances such as a child’s behavior

Generosity

Definition - the quality of being kind and generous.

What holds us back?

Our own selfishness
Time/ effort/ my own desires/ my picture of what my life is supposed to look like
Fear
Fear of getting attached
Fear of the unknown
Fear of failure/ messing someone up/ messing up own family
Disappointing others (family members) because it’s not what they want for you.
Control
Fear-based control of outcomes and feeling out of control when you can’t
Staying in control of your life/your picture

What it looks like in practice

Acknowledging your specific struggles and working/processing through them
Realizing these are personal struggles and choosing to not let them hold you back
Fear hates information. Get more and more information from experts and people who’ve done it so you get smarter about stuff
Focusing on the need of children, the impact you’re having and finding joy in your generosity

Trust in God

Definition - believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.

What holds us back?

Control
Fear
Weak faith
Lack of practicing your faith in the context of doing something hard
Not knowing God well enough
Your upbringing and experiences with your parents

What it looks like in practice

Acknowledging what’s holding back from walking in faith and making a different choice
Being okay with not seeing what’s in front of us
How many times have we seen God move and we forget?
Journal your God moments to build your faith

Conclusion

Your best decisions come from your best thinking and the more you practice, the better decisions you’ll make even in the hardest circumstances.

Join us next month for part 2 of Developing a fostering mindset.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering marriages find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering...

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On this episode, we’re talking about when you feel like a failure as a foster parent and how to manage through that.

Foster marriages opened their heart and home to helping out children in need, had good intentions, perhaps a lot of expectations of how everything would go, and now reality is setting in and you’re not handling things well at all

Types of situations when foster parents often feel like a failure:

Responses to behavior
Feeling a lack of bond and blaming yourself
Feeling like a failure to your bio-kids
Feeling like a failure in your marriage and you don’t have anything left to give
Feeling like they’re failing God or as a Christian

What’s happening at a deeper level

Importance of understanding your "Root System"
Thinking/Lies and emotions of fear, guilt and shame, and stress
Why personality styles happen

The risks of not managing yourself well:

Living in the guilt/shame and stress of it and constantly either feeling out of control or becoming very submissive
Beating yourself up / negative self talk
Feeling out of control and reacting to everyone that way
Seeking worth in other ways or in very unhealthy ways
Lots of conflict in your marriage that creates disunity
Living in disappointment with each other

How to move forward - both immediate and longer term solutions

Recalibrating expectations

Of yourself
Of each other
Of your child
Taking thoughts captive (this is a practice that’s long-term though)
Discussing struggles with each other
If that’s uncomfortable, start with little things so you practice becoming more vulnerable
Responding well to each other
Holding each other accountable and offering help
Seeking help
More training/knowledge
Babysitters/respite
Counseling

Failure is inevitable. It’s how we respond that is most important.

If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it.

And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage.

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Deciding if you should foster is a life-changing decision for everyone involved. We give our best advice on how to communicate about it especially when you’re not on the same page.

Communicating about this can be a big struggle for couples

Massive issue and perhaps it comes out of nowhere and catches 1 spouse off guard
It's emotional
It can trigger someone into fear/self-protection.

How the initiator of the conversations can lean in the direction of their spouse

What does that communication require
How you can lean in each other's direction
Remember the marriage is most important and focus on team unity
Share your desire, etc. Don’t hold back on detail
Gain perspective from your spouse
Keep asking questions to understand
Don’t bully, over question or pressure especially in the first good conversation about it
Manage your emotions especially if your spouse remains reluctant
Don’t pester
Don’t guilt
Don’t manipulate
Don’t try to control the outcome
Be graceful and respectful of your spouse’s fears and concerns
Be willing to give them time to process because this is a HUGE thing
Prayer

How the hesitant spouse lean in the direction of their spouse

(We’re not saying you should ultimately foster, we want to give you the tools to have better conversations about it.)

Remember the marriage is most important and focus on team unity
Gain perspective on why and ask other questions you want information on
Validate your spouse’s emotions and desires and how important this is to them
Manage your own emotions
Don’t let fears shut you down from communicating
Don’t shut your spouse down
Acknowledge (and this is a super difficult one) selfishness
Don’t just shut down the conversation
Be vulnerable and share your concerns and fears
Practice letting your spouse question you on those but this requires massive vulnerability because you may get to root objections that don’t sound good or make you look bad
Prayer

What to do if you’re still not on the same page

Prayer
Keep the conversation going….even if years go by and is necessary

We share a personal story about how we navigated deciding to foster....which was NOT to foster. But we ended up doing it anyways.

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In this episode, we’re in part 2 of discussing the importance of understanding personality styles through the lens of DISC.

High S

(S) Stabilizing, Amiable, Democratic, Patient

Where they’re gifted:

Caring deeply for others

Steady and stable

Predictable

Friendly

Sympathetic and understanding

Great listeners

Patient

Very loyal

Weaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:

Becomes disabled by conflict

Hates change

Struggles saying "no"

Internalizes concerns

Struggles establishing priorities

Puts others' needs before their own

Overly sensitive to criticism

Controls environment through procrastination

High C

Where they’re gifted:

Ability to analyze what works and what doesn't

Accurate and precise

Conscientious

Detail-oriented

Able to set realistic estimates

Have high standards

Very thorough

Weaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:

Struggles with change and conflict

Tend to have a negative critical eye

May appear harsh and uncaring

Will overstep boundaries when clear direction isn't given

Controls environment with facts

Conclusion

Again, we all send and receive information differently but we do so much better when we learn to lean in the direction of each other’s styles.

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On this episode, we’re talking about the importance of understanding personality styles through the lens of DISC.

Why this is important

It’s super important to have better communication
It’s better for not taking things personally
It’s important for understanding each other

DISC 101

We all send and receive information the way we prefer to send and receive it

Natural vs. adaptive styles

We all have D, I, S, and C but people tend to have 1-2 dominant styles

Maturity vs. immaturity

The goal is to lean in the direction of one another’s personality styles

What that looks like

High D

(D) Dominance, Results Oriented, Driven, Competitive

Where they’re gifted:

Thinking innovatively, challenges the status quo

Problem-solvers

Self-starters

Leading groups in same direction

Functioning well under heavy workloads

Weaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:

Oversteps authority

Argumentative

Doesn't consider opinions of others

Takes on too much thinking it will create fast results

Commonly misses details that prevent mistakes

Controls environment through anger

High I

(I) Influencing, Persuasive, Inspiring, Enthusiastic

Where they’re gifted:

Enthusiastic and optimistic

Persuasive

Trusting

Accepting of others

Incredible at influencing and motivating

Creative problem-solvers

Weaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:

Can be more concerned with speaking than listening

Says "yes" too much and overpromises

Feels attacked by critique

Needs to be accepted

Loses focus with too many details

Controls environment through charm

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In this episode, we discuss being on the same page with your parenting in your Fostering Marriage.

We cover the importance of same-page parenting
How to be unified instead of creating division
How to make sure one spouse doesn’t feel left alone or left behind
How to make better decisions together
How to create consistency for the child
Why being a predictable parent is so important for your kids

Parenting approach

This begins with your mindset
Remember your marriage is team #1
Ask questions to gain perspective to understand view points
Be flexible to change if an approach isn’t working
Extending grace is paramount especially when you’re new to fostering and related stressors

Keys to practice

Discussing parenting approaches beforehand

Discipline
Praise
What if more support is needed once you have a placement?
What support systems can you use? (i.e. respite, family, friends, babysitters, etc.)

When you're in the thick of it.

Understanding one another and their point of view and factoring in and gaining perspective and asking questions to see where they are coming from and why they are suggesting what they are
Having humility/ communicate with love
Seeking out information from other people/resources
Discipline/Choices and consequences - Recommended Read - Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control
What direction do we want to go? Be willing to change if it’s not working.

What about when we’ve talked and we just don’t agree?

Can one parent be willing to try the other parent's approach?
What are the objections? Have you talked enough and gotten to what the real objections are?

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In this episode, we’re talking about supporting each other in the struggles of fostering in a wholistic perspective. 1. Physical Home life (chores, responsibilities, etc. ) Foster duties such as insurance, appointments, etc. The spouse who’s NOT taking on more task encouraging the other to take a break Keeping health and fitness a priority Keeping intimacy a priority

Spiritual Keeping relationship with God THE priority as individuals Praying together Practicing faith - speak to trusting God when you don’t know something is going to go Examples - the future of the kids, will we lose them, will this adoption happen
Mental/Emotional Doing the things that replenish and rejuvenate you When you’re struggling with a super difficult child Practicing living with suffering and daily dying to self When you’re struggling with losing a child Seeking help if you need it Important of grace

Your support of each other is more powerful when you’re supporting the whole person.

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It’s easy in fostering to lose focus on making your marriage the higher priority. Learn how to change that mindset and keep your marriage priority #1. IntroductionToday we’re talking about making foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around. What holds couples back from keeping their marriage the higher priority: We place more importance on fostering than the marriage Seeking worth from fostering and your kids If your beliefs (possibly driven by lies, assumptions, “kids are more important”, etc) then your decision/behaviors will follow those beliefs Fostering being possibly the only important thing you have in common Therefore, it’s what you talk about and focus on constantly

2 keys to keeping your marriage the higher priority: Key #1 - Mindset Both people actually believe that the marriage is more important Beliefs: It’s critical to lead and shepherd your family It’s our job to make our kids healthy, strong, and good decision makers Our family will do better when we’re unified Every team needs 1 leader and the more unified you are, it’s as if there’s only 1 leader (but we bring different gifts and talents to the family) Communication is better Gives the kids more consistency and therefore, security and stability

Key #2 - Healthy accountability Healthy accountability is lovingly helping someone succeed In this case, it’s to succeed in marriage and as parents Discuss what holds people back from having healthy accountability Taking things personally Pride Defensiveness Fear Making assumptions Not asking questions Losing worth in the discussion Feeling out of control Approaching your spouse in a loving way to discuss the problem Humility and practicing receiving what your spouse is saying

ConclusionTwo BIG keys to make foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around. Mindset Healthy accountability

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In a Fostering Marriage, you’re faced with stressors, emotional struggles and hard decisions that can chip away at unity. Learn how to keep or create unity in the midst of challenges. IntroductionIf you listened to Episode 0, welcome back and we’re thrilled you’re here! If you didn’t listen to episode 0, go listen because we share a little about why we’re doing this show and who we are

In this episode, we’re talking about how to keep or create unity in a Fostering Marriage Why is this so important? What holds couples back from greater unity?

Key #1 - Prioritizing connection Create the time and space away from the kids to… How couples drift away from prioritizing connection… What happens when we don’t connect as couples Key #2 - Quality communication We’re gonna talk a ton about communication on this show…. We're gonna talk a lot about personality styles and communication… The point we want to make today is constantly work on your communication… Slow down and practice patience Pay attention to your tone - being careful of accusations/ controlling in how you speak Gain perspective/Ask questions Remember you’re on the same team

Key #3 - Be generous to each other What does that mean? Giving, sacrificing, not being selfish

Being graceful and understanding of each other’s struggles Be generous in how you view the other person Shut down judgment, bitterness, resentment, victim mentality Serve each other Not everything has to be compromise…

ConclusionThree keys to focus on to keep or create unity are: Prioritize connection Quality communication Be generous to each other

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Welcome to the Fostering Marriage podcast! We hope you’re having a fabulous day where you are! This is your hosts, Joel and MaryBeth Fortner. We’ve been married for over 12 years and for 3 years we’ve been on the fostering and adoption journey. We’re starting this show to specifically help couples who are also on this journey, no matter where they are. One of our top goals for this show is to help couples keep their marriage priority #1 or help couples rebuild their marriage and make it #1 again. Some other goals are: Give couples tools to improve their communication Help people overcome what holds them back personally Better navigate the stressors and challenges of fostering together Be more on the same page, make better decisions together, and become more unified

We’ve been blessed to have people and resources in our lives that have... …helped us heal over things in our personal lives, …grow in self awareness, …achieve a great marriage and grow even closer together over the last 3 years of fostering. We’ve learned that many marriages struggle so much due to stressors that come with fostering and couples aren't equipped to protect their marriages. We want to do something about that. This show is a first step. We hope you’re interested in listening and more importantly, learning, growing and putting in the work to improve your Fostering Marriage. Join us on episode 1 where we dive into How To Create and Keep Unity.

Fostering Marriage: Recent Episodes

Joel & MaryBeth Fortner