My Favourite Monster: Recent Episodes

George Penney & Tony Johnson

Welcome to My Favourite Monster, a podcast where two professional house sitters, ttrpg fans and comedy fantasy fiction authors, George Penney & Tony Johnson consider every monster in the universe for their pet potential, one by one. Be it xenomorphs, Trogdor, Jaws or a mind flayer we will consider them all!

It's a room with a Moooooose! (from Invader Zim)

What do you need to know to survive/enjoy/prosper from this MOOSEY FATE?

What is gravitational whale astronomy?
Is the borg just space-box?
Is an infinite moose a wave or a particle?
(we forget entirely to talk about possible world's theory)

As a wise one once said: "Data-fish teaches you".

Special OverLondon takeover! As the 19th of May is the anniversary of Anne Boleyn rather unfairly getting the chop, we figured it was high time we honored both her and our OverLondon universe equivalent The Vengeful Queen! (may she rest in vengeance)

Can one fire an arrow box from a bow?
Ships that fall over when they fire!!
Is dressing as a giant bee in an English court advisable?
What is the mouthfeel of roast chaise lounge?

No history was harmed in the making of this podcast.

Ahahaha, we're doing this again!!!

In this episode we delve into the depths of our shared history, to that which grew ridges on our smooth child-brains (for better or worse): Powdered Toast Maaaaaan (from the absurd and disturbing "Ren and Stimpy").

If you have no idea what that is, then you're in for a treat (but it's not my fault if it tastes like sawdust). We look at the standard questions:

Is PTM a grey-goo nanotech disaster just waiting to happen in your breakfast chunks?
Buttock or Buttocks, good sir?
Can we offend the French(aristocrats) in time for Eurovision?
Is the shampoo conspiracy affecting us all

And other questions you never knew were actually questions, till you questioned the questions.

We investigate how a combined Meg-Jason Stratham fusion would work as a pet and almost manage to make a coherent episode:

Can you milk a cow shark?
How exactly, do you grind cheese?
Can you use Jason Stratham as a grinder?

Also - OverLondon our comic-fantasy-whodunnit is available at our website, OverLondon.net!

We delve into the awful cult movie VelociPastor and answer all of the questions:

Are pastor's clever girls?
What use is a were-dinosaur at a children's party?
How cheap was the crappy dinosaur costume?
Is China in Pennsylvania or Pittsburgh?
What does a montage taste like?

We're back! Season 2 baybee!

We kick off with the highly contested, Oscar the Grouch... yes, we'll do a proper monster next time I promise.

Anyway - we ask the real questions:

Is his can nuclear powered?
Is he a rent-controlled defense against gentrification?
Is his girlfriend comfortable with his pachyderm polyamory?
Can we evict him and clean up the Pacific Ocean?
Do puppets breathe, or only when you're not watching?
Would you buy animal-people-leather??

And remember: What happens in the can, stays in the can.

As we are just finishing off the edit on a book, we thought we'd have a (hopefully informative) rant about editors and the editorial process. Because gnarr.

Signs your editor may stink and how to find a shiny unicorn.
What are the breeds of editor?
How much do they cost?
Various stories from the trenches...

Also on another note... we gonna be traveling and kicking off some house sitting again in SE asia (looking after some real monsters), so till we get back in the swing we may be a little intermittent :D

Tony's got hayfever this week so we're on hiatus. See you again next week!

So I had a think about it, and it turns out the Crystal Gem species is rather overpowered. Like... Immortal xenomorph meets nano-tech hegemonic-swarm combined with planet sculpting and a side salad of resurrection plus faster than light travel. So I might have gotten a tiny bit ambitious with this episode...

I work out what the true purpose of the Gem civilization is!
We decide the mecha-diamond needs a crown and underpants (George gets to be those)
Non-binary post scarcity utopia for everyone!
Grey Goo got nothing on The Pinkness.
Also... Peridot best gem.

We investigate "The Affront", one of the most charismatic and truly awful alien species to ever exist. A tentacled gas-sac parody of British aristocracy from the book Excession by Iain M Banks, one of the greatest science fiction writers that ever lived.

I wax poetic about the post scarcity society known as "The Culture"
Overlords... Blaaargh!
George riffs on Legend of the Overfiend because she can get away with it.
Apparently, I am the Affront. But not for the reason you think.
Aristocracy's toilet habits
And remember, Don't F$% with the Culture.

In this episode we ramble about our current favorite anime... Jashin-chan Doroppukikku (Dropkick on my Devil) as well as think about pork cutlets and reminisce about eating roast duck ramen in Tokyo.

Anyway who doesn't love a regenerating topless Lamia maid who is constantly trying to kill you (mostly via snakey dropkick)?

Why are there not enough slice of life parody anime out there??
Why IS pork cutlet and croquettes so amazing?
Why is podcast?

Oh and here are some links to some of the the oddball anime we mentioned:

Dropkick On My Devil
Excel Saga
Kono Healer
Great Director Nabeshin (Shinichi Watanabe)

George made me watch the original Predator and we consider it as a pet. For example:

Does it keep walking into stuff at ambient temperature?
Where to I get magic invisi-mud?
We probe the dark truth as to where glowsticks REALLY come from...
And realize predators are really landing in orbital drop toilets

We rant and rave about the androids and magical black goo in Alien Covenant (and Prometheus).
Quite a bit, actually...

Neutrino shockwave? ...no... just no.
Join the egg sniffers guild today, we have cookies!
Why android hair???
volcanic glass >> magic faux genetic god alien
Chekhov's gun misfires again
And more!

We dive into the Diskworld and consider Gaspode, the cynical ball of stench and disease or as he would put it "Mans best friend, et cetera, et cetera. Give the little doggie a biscuit. Homo-Sapiens! You can keep 'em."

We talk about Greyfriars Bobby, the inspiration behind Gaspode.
We remember the good/bad old days of London, that Pratchett parodies with Ankh Morpork, where indoor toilets were mistrusted and putting your cape down on the sidewalk for a lady meant you'd need to burn it afterwards.
George digs into London's "great stink" of the 1850's - where so many corpses were piled up, the smell literally killed people.
Would Gaspode make the idea literary agent?

In this episode we travel back 500 million years to look at the pure and unadulterated nightmare fuel of the Cambrian explosion. In particular the weirdest creature named after a literal hallucination: Hallucigenia.
How many pikachu's can you impale on it's back spines?
Which end is the front?
Why don't more tentacles have teeth?
Why is the D&D version 25ft long and backwards?
Show notes!
Hallucigenia walking (Cambridge university)
Green Hallucigenia
Opabinia
Anomalocaris
Wiwaxia
(and do image searches for the above on google)
Dragon magazine #204, TSR, Creatures that Time Forgot
Tree of life: https://www.evogeneao.com/en/learn/tree-of-life <-- there are lots of variations, this one shows the Cambrian explosion nicely.

We delve into the potential of the beloved Mimics:

Are tofu halflings an ethical food option?
How do they fare against clothing, fall and chainmail blankets?
Do mimics have pollen allergies?
What is the saddest thing you can stick to a mimic?
Are they really the most useful accessory?

This is one of those episodes where Tony gets fascinated by the cthonic things that kicked around before Greek myth and George works out which goat head isn't plotting against you.

Does your pet Chimera need house-training three times?
Does the lion head end up bald on one side and charred on the other?
What do Echindna's have to do with this?
Learn how to save money on pet food by taking it to the dog park!

Bonus show notes: We checked and Pathfinder couldn't work out how to draw it either but there is sexy 80's airbrushing. However, the lion head looks like it needs a chiropractor...

See you then!!

For George's birthday shark-o-rama we evaluate the genetically modified hyper-intelligent sharks from Deep Blue Sea. It's one of those episodes:

Where do I buy fluffy leopard print chainmail?
Are sharks anti-capitalistic or merely democratic-anarchists?
Where does a dump stat rank against legs on Maslow's hierarchy of sharky danger?
Should we feed all the attractive people to sharks immediately?

This episode we evaluate the absurdly overpowered Tarrasque as a pet:

Which out of D&D and Pathfinder has the sexiest Tarrasque?
How did it evolve from fish-pig... to cat-tortoise... to walking apocalypse?
Is Godzilla gonna sue?
Why does his theme song make no sense?
And how exactly do you manage something that is literally "unkillable"?

So we thought we would rate as a pet three concurrent cat-like things, nyan. All three of these would do just fine at either a catgirl, cosplay or furry convention. Which is what a human in DnD typically feels they have joined whenever they walk into a tavern. Futhermore, nyan.

Which cat is best cat? (trick question... all cats are best cat)
Do cat-girls have ovipositors?!?
What did Tabaxi ever to to 3e and 4e to make them so mad?
Which of these three makes the best flat-mate?
Why does George hate Cats the musical so much?
Nyan?

Shownotes and stuff mentioned:

Kenji Miyazawa's 1924 work, Suisenzuki no Yokka
Edo cat art: Utagawa Kuniyoshi. During this period in Japanese history, it became illgal to depict courtesans or actors. So artists got around that by presenting them as cat versions of real people!

In this episode we evaluate the subterranean tentacle-worms, Graboids, from the iconic horror-comedy Tremors as a potential pet.

Save on water with a dirt-moat for your evil lair?
Is this really just a dirt-chicken?
Need a rain of florescent orange entrails?
Can those tentacles operate muppets?
Tony has a few rants... because bad physics! Geology!! Gaaah.

So... Spelljammer is back! And with Boo’s Astral Menagerie it's high time we took at look at Boo's kin, the Giant Space Hamsters!

Wait... the giant intergalactic hamster-wheel goes how fast?!?
What sub-species is right for you?
Is cheek pouch bathing hygienic?
Tyrannohamstersaurus rex...
The Hamster of Ill Omen... how many Tarrasques can it fit in it's cheek pouches?

In this episode we discover that dentists make good fertilizer, as we explore the pet potential of Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors... We even sing a little bit:

Is looting a dungeon just salvage without a pirate hat?
Why don't plant's have poop holes?
Can you really be fired for feeding your boss to your potted plant?
"Suddenly Seymour is standing beside me..." --> sneak attack!
Who needs CGI when you have animatronic lips baby!

In this episode Tony tries to get the tin foil hat off George so he can convince her how wonderful their new Aboleth "pet" is. Honest, it's the pet, not us. We wouldn't lie to you, fellow human.

Who needs rolled up newspapers when you have continent sized meteors and planetary self destruct buttons?
Is Aboleth slime the biggest thing to hit the beauty industry since collagen?
You really should take off that tin foil hat and move to a seaside community...
What does the song "Underwater Love" by Smoke City have to do with this?
What is a Veiled Master and why should we elect them immediately?

In an episode that rivals the Slaad one for pure chaos, we barely evaluate Star Trek's beloved intergalactic parasite, the Tribble as a pet:

What noise does one make when it's bounced off Capn Kirk's head?
Why does Kirk have a better makeup budget than the Klingons?
Are Tribbles the answer for saving endangered marsupials?
How do I get to be part of the next Tribble crafting session ? Honestly, sign me up.

In this episode we chill out with our sentient mood lighting and wonder at what is simultaneously the most inoffensive and potentially most destructive monster in D&D. A creature that was once an April fools day joke: the Flumph. We ask:

How do I monetize my flumph on youtube and twitch?
Do i need a furry wall in my flumph-room(tm)?
How much "seeding" time-off does my flumph need to "share genetic material" (eww)?
How do you lose your tentacle license?
Does a buff flumph have swol tentacles and fully thiq pancake-head?
What major global religion is secretly based on flumph worship?
Why is a single flumph actually more dangerous than a village of mindflayers?

In this episode we evaluate the Anaconda(s) from the movie Anaconda. Well, to be honest mostly Tony rants at one of the worst snake movies of all time.

How do I escape from a bad snake movie?
Why does it FLY?
Is a candy/rubber snake covered in a condom a realistic pet?
Exactly how much plot armor does J.Lo and Ice Cube have?
No. Not snek! Bad producer! You get the newspaper!

In this episode we debate pet merits of the iconic Gelatinous Cube.

Can you push one through a ramen strainer?
What happens if they get out into the open steppe?
What's with D&D's weird approach to electricity?
Is it bouncy or not?
Is it a glorified bumper car, or just a dungeon roomba?
Is it a delicacy when cooked?
What happens if you feed one jelly(jello) crystals, toilet candies or pine scented floor cleaner?

In this episode we rate Velociraptors (from Jurassic Park) for their pet potential. We ask all the pertinent questions:

Can I have a slow-i-raptor?
What happens if mine isn't a clever girl?
Should I ensure my friends have a character arc?
How do they fare in a fight with Australian wildlife?
Can I pit-roast my pet?
Do they understand American football?
Do they make good companions for Rangers?

In this episode we rant and rave about the worst adaption of Godzilla ever to crawl out of a Hollywood management boardroom (The 1998 adaption of Godzilla featuring Matthew Broderick and half the cast of The Simpsons) and we eventually rate it's many pet qualities.

We ask the key questions:

Is it ok to take the God out of Godzilla?
Exactly how does a giant lizard sneak up on things?
What do you do if you keep losing your city destroying monster?
He's pregnant from birth...? That's quite advanced thinking for 98!
And... should we be testing more natural disasters for pregnancy?
What does a "404 Godzilla not found error" mean and how do you avoid it?

In this episode we rate the pet-dog-robot-agent-of-madness that is GIR from one of the darkest cartoons ever made for children, Invader Zim. A creation of Johnen Vasquez, famous for his nihilistic gothic parody.

We analyze the squeedily spooch out of GIR, collecting organs and probing the vast non-euclidean space inside his thermos like head.
What is the mean safe distance for your pet GIR?
Why is GIR more popular that you?
Why is his head so biiiig?
What should your rubber piggy budget be?
* I saw a squirrel, he was doing like this --> OwO

So listen to our tale of doomy pet themed... doom.

In this episode George and Tony purposefully catalogue in exacting detail the Modron, a creature of pure order (That means it does precisely what you tell it to).

We file (using form 32y, sub-section: query):
What happens to typewriters when they die?
Do armchairs have butt-holes?
How do I ensure my Modron pet does not go insane?
Are Modrons baby, cat and neighbours dog friendly?
* What do I feed my anthropomorphic dice-bot

This podcast rates 97 on the Frenzel Scroons satisfaction index and has been approved by the Fraternity or Order for mandatory consumption.

In this episode George and Tony ramble and meander, eventually exploring the furriest axolotl (the Mogwai) and their post pupal stage (Gremlins) for pet purposes.

We ask the big pet questions (before George can throttle Tony):
Should you give a biological weapon to your son as a present?
Can you feed your Mogwai wet food?
What are the industrial uses?
Can you bathe them in mayonnaise or do you need to dry-clean them?
If your science teacher is murdered, should you tell someone?
When will Wes Anderson do a reboot of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?

Surprisingly, the Mogwai is only the second ACTUAL pet we have looked at. Go figure.

So --> Whats a Slaad? Well, I mean, what ISN'T a Slaad? Honestly, that would be easier wouldn't it? But no, you had to ask what a Slaad was, didn't you?

So think of angels and demons right... but get rid of all the angel and demon bits and chuck what's left in a food processor and pour it in a frog shaped mold.

Because FROG.
THINK about it. Forg. Grof even.

Now, stop thinking! Good job - I'm proud of you. I can tell you're the best at not thinking.
* <-- that's a gold star you earned, because arbitrary reward mechanism.

So, What's a Slaad? Don't ask me, I'm a firetruck. Just listen to the thing berk.

For the first time we consider an actual pet as a pet. In this case it is Goodboy Bindle Featherstone of Quirm, also known as Errol the swamp dragon from the Guards! Guards!Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett (one of our favourite books!).

And why wouldn't you want a badly run alchemical factory the size of a small dog as a pet?

OK sure, he flames backwards and generates sonic booms in flight... but that honestly sounds like an "other people" problem, don't you think?

Remember, whinny if you love dragons!

We probe the Demonic Balrog from Lord of the Rings and its counterpoint the Balor for people who need a pet that's a little on the wild side.

Does your Balrog have a pedigree?
Is your local city in need of terraforming?
Do you need more flaming whips and vorpral swords in your life?
Should you store your Balrog in your plumbing?
What is a Bogrog?
And what is our alignment and challenge rating?

Remember kids, Chaotic Evil is the fun evil.

We consider the Yokai-like monster No Face (from Spirited Away) as a potential pet.

All of the standard pet evaluation questions are asked:

Exactly how much of an elephant does he need to eat to mimic it?
If he eats you, and goes to jail for cryptocurrency fraud are you in jail as well?
Is there a No Face drinking game?
How many cats can you feed him and should you include laser pointers in his diet?

After all, deep down, what does the metaphorical No Face in all of us really want?

We consider an Arrakeen Sandworm for our pet. Because the spice must flow!

All the relevant lore is reviewed, such as: Do you walk your worm, or does your worm walk you? How much dried shrimp do you need to feed something up to a kilometer long? What are worm kegels? Can you wrestle your worm for funsies? Can you objectify your sandworm?

We learn it is best to follow your golden path and embrace your inner worm and not your fear (because we hear on good authority it is the mind killer - your fear, not the worm. The worm just smooshes you.)

Apologies to Frank & Brian Herbert!

In this episode we consider for our pet: Imhotep the Mummy (A-Totally-Not-Lich-Honest), from the Mummy franchise of movies.

We explore his various uses from chafing grit to self composting. We explore what it means to be juicy in a box for three thousand years with nothing to do but think about schtupping(?) the pharaoh's wife and exercising your pelvic floor. We also consider the ten plagues of ancient Egypt (five of which are just "mummy") and one is Benny.

Also cat ears. Because every totally-not-lich needs cat ears.

(We are back to our weekly uploads, after a break in which we moved country during a pandemic... because we are insane :P)

In this episode we vet Slimer from Ghost Busters as a potential pet. Including in-depth consideration of wet chickens, Instagram bikini shot ruination, nuke transportation, hot dog insurance, bird based signing and immortal floating pugs.

We discover the "only" difference between Slimer and Twilight vampires and Tony invents a high efficiency reciprocating automatic ghost feeder.

We look at the different types of zombies, their causes, the evolution in DnD over the years and learn about: walking storage, optimizing zombie density per square meter and undead assisted farming.

Today we're looking at Totoro from the epic movie My Neighbour Totoro. We may have made the remarkable discovery that he is, in fact, Dark Matter!

Today we're having our minds flayed, and possibly going mad auditioning the mind flayer for its pet potential. All the wrongness ensues!

In today's episode we're considering Trogdor for his pet potential. We discuss his many skills and qualities, which include burninating, coming in the night and being majestic with consumate v's!

Ok, so if you are one of the few people (cough cough) who have not heard of Trogdor then here are some references to prove we are not making this up...

The original source of Trogdor, now uploaded onto Youtube as Flash software is now kaput.

Trogdor the board game... it has peasants running around on fire as a game mechanic, what more would you ask for?

And for some Trogdors drawn by people not wearing boxing gloves... I mean, just write "Trogdor fanart" into your search engine and pick one to complete you. My personal fav is the one of Daenerys with a little Trogdor rampaging on her shoulder...

DnD stats for Trogdor you ask... Take a dragon (red species... but give him a green paint job), remove one arm, give it a punch instead of a claw attack, reduce intelligence to 8, add 4 to strength (burly!), halve his movement rate (little legs and wings) and let him rage like a barbarian. You're welcome!

In today's podcast, George pitches Bruce the Shark from Jaws to Tony who has vital questions about Bruce's diet and exercise habits. The vital question about Bruce's bathroom habits are asked and sharks and swimming pools are discussed.

Some fun stuff:
An article about how the film was shot based around which of the 3 Bruces was working on any given day. It also has the picture of Spielburg with an arm stuck up Bruce's mouth.

This article about the animatronic shark's used for Bruce, it has the picture of Spielburg using jaws as a hammock.

Squalus Squalus ... appears to be a made up Latin name. Not many people speak Latin however so no one really noticed.

The Great White Shark is an endangered and protected species in Australia, New Zealand and North America (at least 2 states).

George used to go swimming in a Great White sanctuary in Tasmania. No one told her until much later.

As a very small child George also stared a Great White in the eye from a meter away while sitting in a small dinghy overladen with beer while a whale gave birth (the shark was attracted by this). We are not sure what the shark thought about her.

George one day wants to be buried in a Great White, Tony is not sure how he is supposed to do this but is open to suggestions (so long as it doesn't hurt the shark).

In today's episode, Tony suggests a black hole as being the perfect pet while George wonders what an accretion disk is and why she'd want to smear the neighbours on it.

Vital questions are asked like:

Will our black hole suck in our neighbours?
Does a black hole clean up after itself?
And, most importantly, are the goats on the mountain upside down?!

Tony's notes for this episode are as follows:

Pōwehi, a Hawai'ian word meaning "the adorned fathomless dark creation"
Star sign: Pōwehi is a Virgo! (Got it wrong but we don't know what that is anyway)

Bonus factoid: The apparent size of our supermassive black hole (the amount of night sky it takes up when we look at it from earth) is about the same apparent size of M87's SMBH in the night sky when we look at it from Earth - whilst M87's is about 2000x bigger it is also about 2000x further away. However, the actual size of it's event horizon is about 3x the orbit of Pluto. The accretion disk (orange bit) is about 0.4 light years, so its an absurdly big object.
Super recent addendum: After we made this video there has been some buzz about a recent paper suggesting that our SMBH is actually less massive but surrounded by a dense dark matter halo making up the rest of the mass. Basically, some objects (stars?) have been passing very close without being torn apart, and this is the explanation. In any case, it's an observation that may help us narrow down what dark matter is! (We have our own theory - see EP 7)

Some recent Blackhole videos from some channels I follow pretty religiously.
Anton Petrov, Dr Becky and Scott Manley are excellent for translating recent scientific papers into something understandable and explaining recent space related events and concepts.

Dr. Becky's video about the 5 Types of Black Hole (we missed intermediate ones!) and I kinda assume quasars are just big supermassive ones, but they are very far away so it is hard to tell!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeKLKyzsJ2g

Anton Petrov's video on the M87 black hole (Pōwehi) nicely shows off the size comparisons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2BFxfC8Ehk

Scott Manley's amazing 360 degree VR video (you can move it around!) that shows what it looks like as you fall into a black hole. He does great space videos, covers a lot of recent space exploration news (his breakdowns of launch failure videos are my go to whenever "we are not going to space today").
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDNZBT_GeqU

These two are also fantastic:

Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell's Ultimate Guide to Black Holes. Kurzgesagt's videos are cute, beautiful and spectacularly well put together.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqsLTNkzvaY

PBS Space Time This channel was recommended to me by a friend who works at the Arcetri Observatory in Florence. They do some deeper dives into a range of topics we frankly brutalised. I always learn something new watching these, they are masters of making some of the most complex concepts in physics understandable. They have lots of great ones, too many to list here. Here are some tricks you can do with a rotating black hole...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjgGdGzDFiM

Today George is pitching xenomorphs to Tony as our new pet. Whether they be an ovomorph, a face hugger, a xenomorph or the Alien Queen, we're considering them all. And asking the important questions like:

Do xenomorphs use litter boxes?
Will they snuggle on the bed, and
Will they eat our friends?

We're only covering the beasties from Alien, Aliens and Alien 4 in this episode. Yes, we know there are so many more sources, but these are the movies George loves, so they're what we're sticking to.

Sources George used for this episode are:

https://www.hrgiger.com/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_(film)

https://www.avpcentral.com/xenomorph-types

For our monstrous premier episode, Tony is pitching the Bulette to George for its pet potential. Along the way, he reveals that this particular beastie has a fascinating, and unexpected history.

The source articles Tony used for this podcast can be found at :

https://diterlizzi.com/essay/owlbears-rust-monsters-and-bulettes-oh-my/

https://ultra.fandom.com/wiki/Gabora

https://www.cercatoridiatlantide.it/en/bulette-who-did-it-better/

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