Time to Feel: Recent Episodes
Time to Feel
Welcome everybody to another episode of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I am, my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and the owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy.
Today we’re going to talk about signs that your childhood was codependent.
This is really important because how you were raised
affects you on every level emotionally as an adult.
It affects your romantic relationships, your friendships, your relationship to yourself, your work, your relationship with your family, everything.
And codependency is a very ingrained state of being. . So if you were raised this way, it will affect you and how you interact with every single person. Until you can bring awareness to that. When you can say, Oh, this is why I am the way I am. That explains why I do this certain behavior.
I can see that from my childhood, then that empowers you to start seeing your own patterns and then helping yourself heal from it.
So I want to talk about this from a place of behaviors that you do as an adult that indicate that your childhood was probably codependent. So let’s jump right into it.
The first sign that your childhood was codependent is if you have a hard time setting boundaries as an adult.
For example, saying no to your partner is super uncomfortable for you. Setting a limit with your in laws makes you want to run and hide. Telling your boss that your workload is too much just puts knots in your stomach. If you avoid setting boundaries in general and this is describing you, then it’s a pretty big sign that you were raised codependently.
you’re not self empowered setting boundaries as an adult, then it’s a very clear sign that you were not empowered to set them as a child.
That means that maybe you tried to say no as a kid. But your parents or caregivers never honored your no.
They would consistently ignore what you wanted and do what they wanted instead.
Or maybe your parents controlled your choices and forced you to do things that they wanted.
Or maybe you were just never given an option to give input on big decisions that impacted you.
So I was raised in a very codependent home. My family was Mormon and Mormons baptize their kids at age eight. And I remember watching my dad make the phone call to schedule my baptism
and thinking he didn’t even ask if I wanted to get baptized or not.
That was a huge decision that greatly impacted me and I was never asked about it. There was never a conversation.
I got the message that what I wanted didn’t matter
and that I have to be who they want me to be so that I can be accepted. When
you have that repeated experience growing up, Then your very wise child mind understands, Oh, it’s futile When I try to set a boundary.
My parents don’t respond to that. They constantly override me.
I’m going to fall in line with who they want me to be so that I can get my needs met.
Which includes both your survival needs of food and shelter and your emotional needs for love and acceptance.
So you essentially learn that in order to be loved and accepted, you can’t be somebody who sets boundaries.
You have to be somebody who does what they’re told, who doesn’t question authority, who doesn’t have any input and just has to fall in line.
Keep in mind that what I’m talking about is when that was your experience consistently growing up.
Because parents cannot honor their children’s boundaries 24 Let’s be very clear about that.
I’m not saying that just because your parents didn’t give into your every whim that your upbringing was codependent.
An extreme example is you can’t just let a two year old run into the road because that’s their boundary and that’s what they want.
No, it’s the parent’s job to stop them from doing that and to protect them and to teach them that no, you can’t do that. That’s not acceptable.
So that’s not the type of thing I’m talking about here.
I’m talking about your parents never empowering you. To identify what your personal boundaries were,
and to then support you in having your boundaries respected at age appropriate times.
So that’s the first sign that you had a codependent upbringing is that if you struggle significantly to set boundaries as an adult.
I do want to say that setting boundaries is not a comfortable experience for pretty much anyone. It is uncomfortable to tell somebody, Hey, that wasn’t okay with me or what you did or said, I would prefer you did it this way.
It’s natural that that’s not a comfy experience. So I’m not saying that you have to be super in love with setting boundaries or that you have to experience zero discomfort setting them. what I am saying is if you are somebody who has a lot of fear setting boundaries, somebody who avoids it and just wants to run and hide when it’s time to set a boundary.
then you’re probably in the category of somebody who had a codependent upbringing. The next sign that your childhood was codependent is if you are somebody who avoids conflict at all costs.
For example, your friend said something that really upset you, and instead of addressing it with them, you just ghost them and don’t respond to their text for six months.
Or your partner doesn’t do their fair share of the chores around the house. Instead of having a conversation about it,
when they ask when dinner will be ready, you get passive aggressive and say,
Well, maybe if I wasn’t the only one cooking all the time, then dinner would already be on the table.
Because the truth is that conflict is a healthy and necessary part of any relationship. No matter how hard you try, even in the most perfect relationships, you can’t avoid it.
When you’re taught to have safe conflict growing up, then that translates into healthy emotional communication skills as an adult. codependent home, communication is a little bit more blurry.
If the family rules weren’t clear to you and you just weren’t really sure of what was okay and what wasn’t, then you probably would be walking on eggshells all the time because you wouldn’t know what would upset your parents or your siblings.
When you bring that type of behavior into adulthood, it can translate into shutting down and going silent during conflict.
Or you might go the complete opposite way and get overly aggressive during conflict. So that it goes from a how can we figure out this problem together
To I want to win this argument and be right at any cost? Because you see conflict as a power struggle.
Because that’s what conflict really is in a home, is a power struggle.
Whoever is right gets to take the other person’s power and win the argument.
You get to be king of the mountain and declare victory over the other person.
If this is you, then maybe in your family, you weren’t allowed to talk back. Maybe there was one or both parents who were more of a dictator and it was their way or the highway.
There are a lot of reasons that you might avoid conflict.
But it all boils down to you not feeling safe expressing your truth and or you don’t want to enter into a power struggle. Especially if you’re somebody that’s really timid, you’re sensitive, you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.
If you subconsciously see conflict as a power struggle, of course you’re going to be avoiding it because you don’t want to hurt the other person. In the back of your mind, you’re like, oh, I don’t even want to enter into this conversation because I’m not going to be able to express myself because once I do, I’m going to have to take their power away.
This is what conflict means for me is being the one who wins. One person is right and one person is wrong. And I don’t want to be the person who makes that other person feel bad.
But when conflict is healthy, it’s not a power struggle.
It’s a conversation about how can we both adjust in this situation so that we both feel heard, seen, respected, and understood.
I don’t even look for compromise, especially in my marriage. We don’t do compromise. It’s like, this is a situation where we both get to win and we both get to have all of our needs met. It’s not one person is more than the other. It’s we are both a part of this partnership, and so we will find an arrangement where both of us get to have.
all of our power and all of our needs met.
I’m not saying compromise is a bad thing, but I am saying that it is possible to have this type of conversation without being a one or the other type of a thing. Like you win, I lose or vice versa. So that’s the second sign that you were raised in a codependent home is that you avoid conflict.
The last sign that you are raised codependently is if you are somebody who picks yourself apart after every social interaction, whether that be work in a professional setting or in a personal setting with friends or family.
Maybe you ruminate for hours of if you said something wrong,
you go over every conversation, everything you said, and you look at it from a self critical perspective.
And then you think, okay, what might this person have thought about me in that moment? When I said that, did I hurt their feelings? Did they think I was dumb? Did they think I was better than them? Did they think that maybe I thought that I was better than them? Did I say something out of line? and you do this even if you have no evidence that you said something that may have made them uncomfortable.
It’s just what you do after being with other people. You go home and you pick yourself apart.
This indicates a codependent upbringing because it shows that you don’t feel safe or comfortable being yourself.
You don’t feel like you can be an individual or stand out.
You’re trying to fit into everybody’s definition into who you think that they want you to be. And you worry that you don’t fit into that image.
It’s not just social anxiety or being a people pleaser. It’s an underlying belief that you can’t and shouldn’t be yourself.
Because in codependent homes, everybody’s energy is enmeshed and so are their identities.
Instead of being loved and supported as an individual, You’re conditioned to stay in line and be who the family expects you to be. This is especially true for women.
Boys are much more socialized to be independent, to question authority, to do their own thing. whereas girls do not get that same socialization, especially in codependent homes.
We’re taught to be caregivers, to be nurturing, to make everybody comfortable, to stay close to the family.
so if this was your upbringing, of course you’re going to be picking yourself apart after socializing. You were literally trained to be somebody who caretakes other people and make sure that they were comfortable, even if it made you uncomfortable.
If you continue to let that programming run unchecked, then you’re always going to feel the need to disappear into other people and to avoid friction at all costs.
Because it’s directly tied to your survival instincts. It’s who you were taught that you had to be to get your needs met. So this is why it is so important to understand your upbringing.
So that when you see that you have certain struggles in your relationships as an adult,
That you can point back to the behavior’s origin, which was in your childhood. And then you can say, Oh, I understand why I do that. Because I was trained to do that. Now I can work on it and shift into a behavior that feels better for me.
Because that’s all it is really. Healing is really just being able to understand the experiences that shaped you.
into who you are today, for better and for worse,
and consciously choosing to heal and changing how you approach things.
I see a lot of people label themselves as codependent, and then that label feels so heavy
that they kind of see it as a death sentence, or something that they’re never going to be able to overcome.
And I honestly get it, when I found out that I was codependent, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t possibly see how I would ever even begin to heal from it.
But healing codependency isn’t a mountain that you climb and once you’ve climbed the mountain then you’re healed.
A more helpful way that I like to see it as
is as an elevator that’s traveling upwards in a big skyscraper. It’s something that you choose to do, and each floor or stage that you’re in, you will encounter different forms of codependency that you’ll have the opportunity to heal. Some floors you’ll stay on for longer than others.
But then once you heal and let go of that codependent behavior, then you can get back into the elevator and go to the next higher floor.
So maybe on your current floor, you’re working on resisting the need. to run away or to ghost people when they upset you.
and once you master that, then you’ll go to the next floor, where you’ll work on expressing how you really feel during conflict.
And then after that, maybe you’ll work on proactively addressing conflict before it starts.
So you can see it’s something that progresses, and you’ll have different evolutions of it as you grow and evolve yourself. You don’t have to see codependency as something that limits you or something that you’re stuck with forever. It can be something that you work on little by little without shaming yourself for being codependent.
When you can bring self compassion and gentleness into healing yourself, then you’re going to heal so much faster.
So the next time you shame yourself for doing a codependent behavior or for making a mistake, Remember that shame only serves to keep you stuck in the cycle that you’re currently in.
Because instead of your energy going into constructively addressing the behavior that you want to change,
it’s going into making yourself feel bad for doing that behavior. Which is another sign of a codependent upbringing, but we’ll talk about that one a different time. And really, shame is just a distraction.
So, call yourself out in those moments of self shaming, take a deep breath, and just recommit to breaking that pattern and move on.
to recap, the three signs that you were brought up in a codependent home was that, one, you struggle setting boundaries, two, you avoid conflict, And three, that you pick yourself apart after socializing.
If you would like to work on codependency with me, Check out my Codependency Cure Workbook Bundle.
I walk you through how to address codependency from different angles,
like setting boundaries, people pleasing, perfectionism, and a lot more.
You can find me at etsy. com and then search for the Emotional Health Shop. And you’ll see the bundle in my codependency essentials. Or, you can visit my website hollysoulie. com slash shop which is h o l l y s o u l i e dot c o m
forward slash s h o p
so that’s all for today. If you enjoyed today’s episode, make sure to subscribe, like, and comment, which will help other people find it too.
Thank you so much for taking time to feel with me today, and I’ll see you next time.
The post 3 Signs Your Childhood Was Codependent appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.
Welcome to the second season of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. So I want to say thank you all so much for your support with this podcast. I’ve gotten a lot of really beautiful notes about it and it’s been highly requested even though I haven’t recorded a new episode in a long time. So I really, really appreciate that and thank you so much for your support.
In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about three reasons why grieving a toxic person is so hard. And I want to talk about this because, to be super honest, the number one Google search consistently since 2020 that has brought people to my website is why it’s so hard to let go of someone who treats you bad.
I’ve got a couple of blog posts on it, I also have a workbook on it that I’ll talk more about later. But that is the number one thing that people come to my website for. And I have been there, I have had to grieve toxic people as well.
What Does Toxicity Mean?And if you are listening to this, then chances are that you’ve been there, too. So, before we dive into why it’s so hard to move on from toxic people, let’s first define what toxic actually means. This is a really popular word that we all use, quite a bit nowadays. But what does it actually mean to be toxic?
to me, there is a huge range of what you could call toxic behavior, or even toxic people. On the lower end of the spectrum, the lighter version, there are the people who unintentionally treat you badly.
Maybe they lack boundaries, maybe they invade your space with intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, that type of thing. It’s behavior that can be seen as toxic. But most likely, it’s unintentional. In fact, they might have good intentions behind that.
But it’s still toxic behavior because it’s unwanted, it doesn’t feel good, and it’s intrusive. on the other end of the spectrum, like way, way, way on the other end of the spectrum, Are the people who intentionally hurt others. this is the type of person like narcissistic abusers, sociopaths, people who are generally abusive and are actively hurting and abusing people for their own gain.
Whatever that gain is, it’s for their own gain. Then in the middle of the spectrum are the people who do a little bit of both. They might be hurtful, they might be controlling, they might be manipulative. Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes they’re unaware of how their actions affect you.
That’s how I define toxicity, which is a range of hurtful behaviors, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that drain your energy, violates your boundaries, and deteriorates trust with that person.
Reason #1 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They’re LovableWhy is it so hard to grieve someone who’s toxic? the first reason is because toxic people tend to be very charming and very lovable. They literally give you reasons to love them. My dad, who has since passed away, was a narcissistic abuser, and he was so charming. He could make anyone laugh, he could work a crowd, he was super funny, in general, you wanted to have a good time with him.
This is how a lot of toxic people are. They charm you, and they pull you in with their amazing personalities. If they’re extra toxic, they might even, at the beginning of the relationship, shower you with a ton of love and attention. They make you feel like the center of the entire world,
It makes you feel like, wow, this special person who everybody loves is giving me their attention. So I must be special too. they just make you feel really amazing especially in the beginning of these relationships With toxic people that’s when they’re peacocking, you know, they’re showing the best of themselves.
Reason #2 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: The IntensityThere tends to be really high highs with toxic people, which is the second reason it’s so hard to move on. The first reason is because they’re super lovable and it’s hard to walk away from a lovable person. the second reason, is because of the intensity of that contrast between the highs and the lows.
Because you go from having these amazing moments to having super low moments. Maybe they randomly drop you, or they get fickle and start playing games. When this happens, it’s super devastating and also extremely confusing maybe you reach out to them with your heart, which is big and open and wide, and you’re just like ready for more love from them.
And then they respond with something like, Oh, sorry, I’m busy tonight. Can I call you later? They don’t give you any info. They don’t reciprocate, and you’re kind of like, What just happened a minute ago, we couldn’t get away from each other, we’re having like love fest, and now you’re acting like I don’t exist.
It can go back and forth a lot like that.
This is actually something called an intermittent schedule of rewards. So what that means is that when you don’t know when the love or the reward is coming, when it’s unpredictable, you get way more dopamine. than if it’s scheduled and predictable. It’s the exact way that a lot of gamblers get hooked on slot machines.
It’s more exciting and pleasurable when you don’t know when you’re going to win. And the more you play, the more you strengthen those neural pathways that compel you to engage with that source of pleasure. Again and again. So, there’s actually a neurological reason why it’s hard to move on from toxic people.
this is especially true with narcissistic abusers
Because they will even give you a lot of love in the beginning and then they will slowly, slowly decrease that love with putting in moments of really sweet love and so it’s again that gambling effect of Is this gonna get their love?
Is this gonna get their love? And you don’t know what behavior or what thing you could possibly say or do that will give you back that love. And so it really messes with your mind, literally. So whether the person that you’re trying to let go of is a narcissistic abuser or not. When you don’t know when or how that love is coming, it keeps you on your toes and for that reason It’s super hard to let go of toxic people.
Reason #3 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person:They Bring You Qualities You Think You Lackthe third reason that it’s hard to let go of toxic people is because a lot of times They actually represent something that you think that you lack. for example Maybe that’s confidence. Maybe when you’re with that person They make you feel really confident really strong like you feel really good about yourself around them And they make you forget that actually In general, you don’t feel super great about yourself.
Another example is, maybe they bring a lot of excitement and adventure into your life. They take you to do fun things that you’d never do on your own. They make you feel super spontaneous, like you can do anything, and they show you a different flavor of life. So when this person is no longer in your life, you feel like you not only lost them, but that you also lost a part of yourself, too.
And that’s actually the saddest part about it. Is that you believe that you’ll never feel the same way that you felt when you were with that person ever again. And so, when you’re grieving them and trying to move on and everything, you’re also grieving loss of yourself or what you see as a loss of that version of yourself and what you feel like you’ll never experience again.
So, I remember when I was grieving my toxic ex back when I was in college. We were together off and on for a couple of years. honestly, he was like a carbon copy of my dad. They were so similar. And one of the reasons it was so hard for me to move on from him was because he made me feel powerful. He gave me this sense that I was really special, and he helped connect me to my power.
at that time, I thought it was all coming from him. Like, he was the one with the power, and that I could only access that feeling when I was around him. But what I know now is that he was just facilitating that connection for me. I thought that I lacked power, but what I lacked was believing in the power that I already had.
This is the thing with toxic people. They really do connect you to parts of yourself. That maybe you’ve never accessed before. And so, a lot of the pain comes when you keep thinking that that part of you only exists outside of yourself when you’re with that person. The beautiful news is that however that person made you feel about yourself, whatever qualities they brought into your life that were so sweet and amazing in that moment, You can totally work strengthening -that on your own.
if they made you feel confident, see how you can, strengthen your own self confidence and start believing in yourself more. if they made you feel lovable in a way that nobody else has ever made you feel. Go inside of it with yourself and take a deep dive and look and see, like, they made me feel lovable in this, this, this, this way.
How can I strengthen those qualities in myself and really, emphasize them so that I can live into those parts of myself that I enjoyed embodying when I was with them? It’s good to take stock of what this person brought to you and how they made you feel so that you can first of all grieve the relationship properly but then also reconnect with the parts of yourself that you’re longing to reconnect with.
what’s really cool about that is that when you do strengthen those parts of yourself that you feel like that toxic person connected you with, then you’re not going to be seeking that outside of yourself in future relationships, and you’re going to be less and less likely to be repeating the same relationships over and over again.
Grieving A Toxic PersonSo, that is such an important thing to do in the grieving process with a toxic person is, To see what they brought you So grieving a toxic person is really difficult and complicated. Especially depending on how long you were with them, what the relationship was, toxic this person was. If they’re more toxic, then grieving them is even more complicated. But you have to make sure that you take time to unpack all of the different emotions you feel as you’re healing from the relationship.
And you have to give yourself permission to feel all of it. every emotion that you feel about this person, you have to remind yourself, whatever you feel, whatever comes up. It is valid, how you feel is valid, the anger, the sadness, the loss, the abandonment, the sorrow, the confusion, the betrayal, whatever it is, it’s all valid and so you get to experience those emotions without judging yourself for them or without making yourself wrong or bad for having these emotions.
Because when you resist the grief, or when you judge the grief, then you’re not really processing it, you’re just pushing it back into your conscious. so instead, even if you don’t really understand an emotion, even if you’re not happy that you’re feeling a certain emotion as you grieve them, Allow yourself to feel it anyway, and allow yourself to validate the emotion.
So, maybe one day you’re like, I am so mad that they did this to me. And I’m mad at myself for even caring. So, even that is valid. Even that second level of I’m mad that I care about this. that’s also valid. wherever you’re at, whatever comes up. Just remind yourself, Okay, I’m feeling super sad about today.
I’m really missing those beautiful moments and memories that I had with them. Okay, that’s valid. This is valid. My heart is valid. What I experience is valid. Just remember to keep doing that. Over and over again, and that will help you move through the grief so much faster, honestly, that is such a beautiful way to more ice skate through the grief, rather than feeling like you just get pulled underneath it, because that’s when grief gets super heavy, and when you’re not moving forward anymore, is when you don’t allow yourself to experience certain emotions.
even though it’s really painful, it can be ugly, it can break your heart open, but you have to let yourself feel it because that’s the only way to get through it and to have the relief from that emotion. You absolutely have to go through the feeling.
And it’s really beautiful because as you heal from toxic relationships, you reclaim who you truly are. And you reconnect to the version of yourself that is not broken from this relationship, but that is whole and put back together and even stronger and more wise, having gone through it and learned from it.
Heal With My Toxic Relationship Detox WorkbookSo, my Toxic Relationship Detox Workbook helps take you through this process. inside you’re going to explore the relationship from every different angle so that you can figure out why it affected you so much and how you can heal your heart and move forward. It also helps you explore what role you might have played in the toxicity and what you can learn.
For yourself going forward so that you don’t keep repeating the same patterns you can get a copy of it in my Etsy shop all you do is go to Etsy.com and you search for the emotional health shop that’s my shop on Etsy or You can search for the toxic relationship detox workbook. So That is all for today’s episode.
If you enjoyed it, make sure to subscribe or leave a comment, which will help more people discover this episode as well. thank you so much for taking time to feel with me today, and I will see you in a couple of weeks from now. Bye everyone!
The post Why It’s Hard to Grieve Toxic People appeared first on Holly Soulié Emotional Health.
This is Time to Feel, Episode number 8. Hey everyone, I’m Holly Soulie. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. Today we’re going to talk about some of the common emotions you might feel, and how you can identify them. When I first started paying attention to my emotions, I would get really frustrated with myself because I knew that I felt SOMETHING, but I wasn’t sure what it was or what to do about it. So, the more I tuned into my feelings, the easier it became to know which emotion was happening. And the more you know what emotion you’re feeling, the better equipped you are to address it. This is the first part of becoming emotionally intelligent - to actually be aware of what you’re feeling. Before we start, I want to give a disclaimer for a couple of emotions we’re going to talk about - namely depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are in their own category because they’re mental health disorders and that’s something you need to address with a medical professional. I don’t want you to think that I’m dismissing them and saying depression or anxiety is all in your head because it isn’t. But, even if you have these conditions like I myself do, there are still a lot of tools and skills you can learn to manage them and feel empowered with. So, we’re going to look at them from the angle of what can I do about them when I feel them? Alright, let’s jump in and talk about some specific emotions you can start being aware of. The first emotion we’re going to talk about is depression. And one of the things that depression can mask is anger that you don’t think you’re justified in having. For example, the first time my dad went to prison, I had a lot of anger toward him that I shoved away over the years. I never realized how angry I was at him for it all because I loved him so much and didn’t know it was possible to love someone yet be so angry with them at the same time. However, a few years after that when I had a mental health collapse and became severely depressed, I started seeing what could be driving this depression. And sure enough, there was a lot of anger under the surface that I didn’t know what to do with. But once I addressed it, and started working through it, it helped my depression a lot. Even to this day, when I feel more depressed, I’ll sit down and see what emotions I might be hiding from myself and why. So, if depression is something you struggle with, ask yourself if there might be any feelings you may have pushed under the surface. The next emotion we’re going to talk about is anxiety. You’ve probably heard that anxiety means that you’re living in the fear of the future. But anxiety is also a signal that you need to stop and pay attention to your needs. A lot of times, I get anxious because I’m doing way too many things at once. In this case, it’s important to stop and see how you can take things one step at a time. On the other hand, it can also show you that you have some fears that need to be addressed. For instance, the other day I was feeling anxious about the upcoming weekend. Since I had so much to do, I wasn’t sure I could do it all. So, I took time to think about why I was so anxious. Then I removed a few things from my to-do list and made a more realistic, digestible list for myself. That helped calm my mind enough so I could find some peace. Next up is jealousy. Generally, jealousy shows you that you want what someone else has, but you don’t feel like you deserve it or that it’s not attainable to you. But a part of you really wants it. Here’s a story to demonstrate this. Before I was married, I knew this couple who took really good care of each other. And I was SO jealous of the wife and actually had a couple of dreams about it. Well, at the time I didn’t believe that I was worthy of having a partner take good care of me. So, I worked on why I didn’t think I could have that. Also, I acknowledged that having that was something I REALLY wanted.
Episode Transcript
Time to Feel, Episode 7
How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You
Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.
I used to struggle trying to get absolutely everyone to like me. But after a while, it got really uncomfortable. So I decided to make some changes. If you can relate, here’s how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.
First of all, it’s natural and healthy to want people to like you.
You can want people to like you without needing them to like you.
When you want people to like you, it means you still feel good about yourself even if someone doesn’t like you.
On the other hand, when you need everyone to like you, you feel bad if they don’t.
So, let me share with you the 4 steps to stop needing everyone to like you.
Let’s start with Step #1 Acknowledge the Pattern
First, you have to acknowledge that what you’ve been doing is no longer working for you.
A few years ago at work, I was on a team with someone who didn’t like me very much. It seemed like no matter what I did, I could never get her to like me.
No matter what jokes or light conversations I tried to strike up with her, nothing worked.
I even tried having a direct, open conversation with her about how we could work better together.
Basically, I really put myself out there (really far…way too far actually) to not only try to work well with her but also to try and get her to like me.
And it stressed me out so bad! I would think about it outside of work hours because every interaction felt like pulling teeth.
Eventually, I got so tired that I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t working to try and get her to like me. I was making myself miserable and it was adding stress to my life.
Next, Step #2 Commit to Working On It
Second, you have to commit to yourself that you’re going to work on the need to get everyone to like you.
And this is important because the need to be liked can run deep, even back to your childhood. That means that when you try and get someone to like you, it can actually feel compulsive.
Looking back at this relationship with my coworker, I remember saying things and acting in a desperate way that really wasn’t me.
For me, committing to working on it meant that I was committing to stopping myself in my tracks whenever I would realize I was making another desperate joke or comment to her.
When you consciously commit to yourself that you’re going to work on it, then you’ll be able to choose a new way to do things.
Next, step #3 is to Refocus Your Energy on Yourself
Now that you’ve committed to stop trying to get everyone to like you, you’re ready to start actively working on it!
Next, choose one specific relationship you want to work on. For example, that one specific person that doesn’t like you and it drives you crazy. You could start there.
So, now it’s time to unplug your energy from that person.
When you ‘unplug’ from someone, it means you stop giving them your energy.
For instance, once I realized how draining it was to worry how my coworker didn’t liked me, I decided to stop caring about what she thought of me.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I started being rude or cold to her. No, I didn’t start ignoring her.
On the contrary, I was still kind and polite to her.
But I stopped making any ‘extra’ comments to her. And I stopped going out of my way to interact with her.
Basically, I brought it down to polite but necessary interactions only.
When we were in meetings together, I stopped trying to make jokes or comments to get any warmth from her. Rather, I focused my energy on doing my job instead of trying to convince her to like me.
When I unplugged my energy and focus from her, I freed up my own energy! And eventually it started feeling great not to worry so much abou...
Episode Transcript
Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about overcoming codependency.
When you find out you’re codependent, it can be a little shocking. That was definitely the case for me.
But once I knew, I could start taking steps to work on it and try to overcome it.
So, to start off, I want to share with you the moment where I realized I wasn’t healthy in my relationships.
Back in 2011, I was doing a semester abroad in China.
And even though I was studying marketing, I had regularly Skyped with my pharmacist father back home to ask him questions about my homework.
When I went to class the next day, I mentioned to my professor that I had asked my dad about the homework. Her response was, “Is your dad the source for everything in your life?”
I had apparently been talking about him a lot, but I didn’t realize it was enough to have ever given someone this impression. Also, it really was silly to ask him questions on the topic I was studying. He had absolutely zero knowledge or expertise about marketing!
In that moment, I was so ashamed. I remember going back to my apartment and crying because I was so upset with this realization. At that point, my dad really was the source of everything for me.
The more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I wasn’t very independent from him. In fact, when I researched “how to be independent from your parents,” I discovered codependency.
So, what is Codependency?
Well, I found on Psychology Today that codependency is defined as a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
Yikes. Reading that, I knew it described what I was experiencing.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do. But a switch had been turned on inside of me. So, I decided to start finding ways to become more independent and to emotionally rely less on my friends and loved ones.
Here’s how I did that.
The first step was that I Started Getting in Touch with Myself as an individual.
Because, one of the problems with codependency is something called enmeshment. That’s where you lose sight of where you begin, and where the other person ends.
So, I decided to start journaling to figure out who I was. This was the simplest, cheapest way I could start spending quality time with myself.
Every day, I wrote down the question, who am I? And each day I would record my response. Sometimes it would be a drawing, sometimes it would be words. Whatever came to me that day is what I would put down.
As I started doing this daily exercise in my journal, I began to spend more time with my own ideas of who I truly am in a way that no one else could define for me.
Also, I started discovering what I wanted for myself.
And it helped me see myself more as an individual, and less as someone who was merely quote on quote codependent.
So, step one was that I started getting in touch with my individuality.
Step #2 was that I started Addressing all of my Uncomfortable, Repressed Emotions
When I was journaling, I realized that I had a lot of repressed emotions toward my dad, especially. And they were really deep and intense.
Actually, according to Psych Central, painful emotions are one of the symptoms of codependency. And when these emotions become too much, you can actually feel numb, which is what I was experiencing.
At that point, I had years and years worth of pent up emotions toward my dad - literally a lifetime’s worth - that I first of all, was never allowed to express. And second, I never even let myself acknowledge their existence.
I was just numb to all my feelings back then. Honestly, they were pretty overwhelming, and I just didn’t have the skills to work through them myself.
So, I decided to reach out.
That was step #2,
Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. It’s been a little while since our last episode. I’ve had some intense months recently. I unfortunately lost my dad around Thanksgiving and have been on the roller coaster of grief. But I’m back now, and I’m so glad you’re joining me.
So today, we’re going to be talking about how to build self-trust.
This is an important topic to me, because trusting yourself is absolutely crucial to having inner peace, feeling good about yourself and having a version of life that feels right for you. So, let’s get right into it.
My first tip to start trusting yourself is to start making one small promise to yourself on a daily basis, and keeping it no matter what.
When I first started paying attention to my emotions and getting to know who I am, I was very intentional about rebuilding trust with myself. Up until that point, I had spent my life trusting everyone else more than I trusted myself. I thought everyone knew better than me. So, after 20 years of being in a codependent relationship with my dad and my entire family, my self-trust was very deteriorated.
So, I wanted to prove to myself that I could rely on myself no matter what. So, I decided to do one simple thing each day at the same time to start establishing that trustworthiness, and in turn, my own confidence.
I started with something very low-stake. Meaning, if I missed doing it, I wouldn’t lose anything. What I chose to do was say the Lord’s Prayer every single day at noon.
At that time, I was a nanny in Boulder, Colorado. So, midday, I knew I would be eating lunch with the little girls I took care of. I would glance at the clock and as soon as it hit noon, I would say the Lord’s Prayer in my head.
And I did that every day for many years. Even today, I still see the clock strike 12 and I’ll think that Prayer to myself.
What I established from keeping this promise was two things. One, I proved to myself over a long period of time that I could trust myself to do one tiny thing each day no matter what. That gave me a lot more confidence than I expected, because by doing it, I was providing myself with concrete evidence that I could start trusting myself. And maybe if I could do this small thing, I could probably trust myself to do bigger, more important things.
The second thing I established by keeping this specific promise to myself was that I could do something on my own without any external reminders. I didn’t use an alarm or any notifications on my phone to remind me to say the Lord’s Prayer at twelve exactly. It required me to use my own will forces to dedicate my energy to something that was important to me. So, it also strengthened my will.
If you choose to do something every day to start building trust with yourself, you don’t necessarily need to do it at the same time like I did.
But start as small as possible and choose something low stake that you won’t have any negative consequences from. You could promise yourself to flip a light switch off and on when you use it. Or to click your pen three times sometime during the day. Just little, silly things that don’t make a difference to anyone but you.
Over time, you’ll start feeling different toward yourself. Not only will you slowly build trust with yourself, but you’ll also start feeling more connected to yourself because you’re dedicating time to your own growth.
So, that’s my first tip - to make one small, inconsequential promise to yourself every day, and keep it no matter what.
My next tip to build self-trust is to pay attention to what your emotions are trying to tell you, and to honor those messages.
Your emotions are an important part of your inner guidance system. They’re here to help you live a life that’s aligned with your personal truth. So, if you deny them or push them away, then you’re pushing a part of your inner wisdom away.
Also, when you bottle up your emotions,
Hey everyone! Welcome back to another episode of Time to Feel. I took some time off from podcasting to recharge my batteries and enjoy the summer.
One of the things I’ve had to focus on during the pandemic is managing my energy levels. Like many people, I’ve been working consistently since the beginning of 2020, and actually since mid-2019.
My husband Nick and I have stayed in Canada this entire time, which is difficult because our families live in the US and France. So, normally, we’ll go see them a few times each year. But with covid, being able to vacation and take REAL time off hasn’t been much of an option.
Because of that, I’ve found myself getting burnt out and feeling unmotivated more than normal. Also, since I’m self-employed, everything I do comes from me. I have to be self-motivated, and sometimes that’s difficult.
Sometimes, I find myself wanting to lay on the couch all day, or to just zone out and play the Sims for hours on end.
So, what do you do when this happens? I want to give you my best tips for those days when you just don’t feel like doing anything at all.
First of all, when you don’t feel like doing anything, this can actually be your body’s signal that it’s time to rest.
So, give yourself a break.
Depending on how exhausted I feel is how much time I’ll take off. So, if I’m just feeling a little blah, I’ll let myself chill for an hour or two. Then, I might be good and feel like getting back to work right away.
But if I’m feeling completely drained, I’ll take more time off.
For instance, if I feel zero inspiration or drive whatsoever, I’ll take a step back and see how I can help myself recharge. Sometimes that means taking 2 days off. Sometimes that means taking a full week off and doing my own stay-cation.
Depending on your life, and the work you have, it might not be possible for you to take time off whenever you want.
So, see where you can give yourself mini-breaks and really commit to it. If you’re going to take an hour off and you work from home, tell your family that you’re unavailable for that time, and do something you really enjoy.
Or if you’re going to take an afternoon off, don’t look at your emails during that time.
Rest is SO incredibly important. If you don’t rest, you can’t get stuff done when you actually have things you need to do.
But also…please remember that life isn’t ALL about being productive. You’re still a human being. You’re still living through a pandemic. You’re going to need rest more than normal. So, give yourself that time to recover.
Tip #2 is to change gears and switch it up. If you’ve been staring at your computer without any ideas or motivation to complete your to-do list, get up and do something else.
I love taking my dog Pluto for walks throughout the day because it helps my mind unplug from work.
You can also get out a book and read for a little while, play a video game or call a friend and chat for a bit.
Do whatever will feel good for you for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour - however long you want.
Then, go back to work and see if you have motivation. A lot of times, I’ll be able to find a little more gas in my energetic tank after unplugging for a while.
And if it doesn’t work and I STILL don’t feel like doing anything, that’s my cue to rest for a longer period of time. Trust yourself that you’ll get back to it when you’re ready.
My third tip for when you don’t feel like doing anything is to start small. Choose one thing from you to-do list that’s the easiest to complete.
Maybe that means answering one brief email or updating your calendar.
A lot of times when I do something that takes minimal mental energy, it gets the ball rolling and I discover more motivation and can keep working for a while.
Other times, if that’s all I can manage, then I’ll do something else for a while after that.
It’s all about nurturing yourself and seeing what else you might need in that momen...
Episode Transcript I recently got a question from a listener: ‘how can you start standing up for yourself? I have such a hard time doing it because I don’t want people to not like me.’ First of all, thanks for sending me your question. This is something I’ve struggled with, and I know a lot of my blog readers do as well. So, let’s talk about it. How can you start standing up for yourself or speaking up when it’s difficult? The first thing I would say is decide if it’s worth it. There are times when it’ll be really important for you to stand up for yourself, and other times that it’s ok to just let it slide. For example, I used to have a coworker who would frequently come to me with 9-11 emergency situations. After a while of helping her at the drop of a hat, I got really sick of bending over backwards for her. So, I stood up to her, which was really scary for me because this woman was very intense and confrontational. But I did it anyway. I was all shaky, and nervous. I told her I couldn’t help her this time because my plate was too full, and that in the future I would need more notice so I could organize my other tasks as well. Well, she did NOT take it very well. She blew up at me, and stormed out of the room. We could definitely classify this as an emotional bullying situation. I let her have those emotions (which is something we’ll talk about next), and just kept my distance. I also let my manager know what happened, and luckily she supported me. So, it was a difficult moment. But that coworker DID start giving me a bit more notice when she needed my help after that. So for me in that situation, not only was it worth it to stand up for myself, it was also crucial for my mental health. However, there are other times when it’s just not worth it to speak up or stand up for yourself. For instance, once I went to a meet-up group here in Montreal, where I was playing board games with new people. And when I told the group I was from Utah, one man asked me if my father was a polygamist, which he isn’t. But I found that to be a very offensive question to ask someone you’re just meeting. Like, how personal can you get? Asking someone you just met about their parent’s marital situation. So, since this guy was just an acquaintance, I didn’t have anything invested in that relationship. It’s a low-value relationship for me. He didn’t affect my day-to-day life, and I would probably never see him again. So, it’s not a relationship that I wanted to invest much energy into. So, I just told him, ‘I don’t really want to talk about that.’ And I moved on. However, I could have gone into the history of Utah, how the state was built by Mormon polygamists, but now modern Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But I didn’t because it wasn’t worth it to me. And for those moments when you decide you don’t need to speak up, don’t shame or judge yourself for it. Not every situation calls for it. But it’s up to you to decide if it IS worth it given the context. My next tip is that you need to allow people to have their emotions when you stand up for yourself. You never know how they’ll react. They might react way better or way worse than you expect. But whatever the outcome, remember that you can’t control how people think or feel. In the example with my coworker, I could have done emotional care taking and tried to take responsibility for her emotional reaction. I could have apologized for upsetting her, or I could have backtracked with what I said and offered to do her last minute project out of guilt, which is what my natural instinct was trying to tell me to do. But I stayed firm, even though it was difficult. I’m not saying that you need to be a jerk and speak recklessly without caring how you might affect other people. I’m saying that when you decide to speak up, you cannot control how the other person responds. So, no matter how the other person reacts, remind yourself that they’re allowed to their emotions and reactions. Next,
Episode Transcript Hey friends, welcome to the second episode of Time to Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to process your emotions in 3 steps. Before we dive in, I want to start with a disclaimer. Processing your emotions isn’t for everyone, so please check with a medical professional to see if it’s ok for you. Now, let’s get into it! So, for me, I kind of bumped into processing my emotions on my own. Let me tell you about it. When I was 23, I moved by myself across the country to Asheville, North Carolina. I was on a mission to get to know who I really was. I had just left Mormonism, and wanted to know who I was out of the context I had always known. I got the cutest little studio apartment - and for the first - and only time ever - I lived alone. Well, actually, I wasn’t completely alone. I adopted my cat named Valentin. And it was just the two of us in that little corner apartment, with worn out hardwood floors, and a blue tiled fireplace. I loved that place so much. It became a haven for me to explore myself and who I was becoming. So, when I had a hard day at work, or was upset, or homesick, I wanted to know WHY. Like, why was I feeling so many emotions? What did that mean for me? I would pour myself into my journal and write out everything I was feeling. And, as you might remember from last time, I totally shoved my emotions down for my entire life up until that point. So, investigating my feelings was something very new for me. And the more I started paying attention to my emotions, the better I began to know myself. It helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin, more at peace. And I loved how that felt, so I wanted to do it as much as I could. So, what does it mean to process your emotions? Basically, it’s when you take the feedback that your emotions are trying to give you, and break it down into digestible pieces of information that you can understand and do something about. It also decreases your stress to break down your feelings. Esther Perel is one of my favorite therapists. And something she always says is that it’s stress-relieving to name your own emotions. If you can get past the initial layer of saying, ‘I’m stressed,’ or ‘I’m anxious,’ and go beneath what that actually means, you decrease your stress. Then, it empowers you to better figure out strategies to help yourself feel better. So, for instance, if you’re upset by something but you’re not sure exactly what you’re feeling or why, you could sit down with yourself and try to figure that out. So, now I’ll share with you my formula for how to process your emotions in 3 steps. Step #1 is to write out the who, what, when and why of your upsetting emotion. Basically, that means writing down the entire situation in as much detail as possible. So, you’d write out WHO is involved in your upsetting emotion. Is it just you? Is it your boss, your spouse, your in-law? Write out who is upsetting you in the particular instance. Then you’d write out WHAT about the situation is upsetting you. Are you upset because you got passed up for a promotion, because you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, or because you can’t find motivation? Whatever is upsetting you, try to name describe it. And if you aren’t sure about what’s bothering you, ask yourself what it MIGHT be about. If you DID know what was upsetting you, what would that be? So, step one is to write about what happened, who was involved and why it upsets you. Then the second step is to detail how that makes you feel. When my boss passed me up for a promotion, it made me feel angry, it made me feel invisible, it made me feel like I don’t matter. Or, when my in-law ignores my calls, it makes me feel frustrated, confused or powerless. Or if the upset is with yourself, you’d say, it makes me feel depressed when I can’t find motivation. And that makes me feel sad, hopeless and small. Just keep writing out all the anger, all the upset,
Episode Transcript
Hey friends and welcome to the very first episode of Time to Feel, a podcast to increase your emotional health. I’m your hostess Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to stop hating your emotions.
But since it’s our very first episode, I want to tell you about who I am, what I do and why.
I am the owner of Holly Soulié Emotional Health, and I create emotional health resources for kind people so that you can embrace your emotions and reclaim your power.
I’m also the founder of the Feel and Heal Crew, a healing community where I train you on how to work through one emotional health topic each month. We talk about things like people pleasing, codependency, setting boundaries, and lots more.
My why, the reason why I do this is because, well, I want to. And it makes me happy.
But also because my whole life growing up, I suppressed my emotions. It was what everyone around me did, and so that’s all that I really knew how to do.
I honestly never thought about what I was feeling. Anytime I felt something, I would get very annoyed with myself and would push the feeling away, and just tried to go on my life the best I could.
But that stopped working for me when I was 17, because my dad went to prison for committing a white collar crime.
And my entire world came crumbling down around me.
My dad and I were like two peas in a pod. He was my rock, he was pretty much the world to me. We were highly codependent, but that’s a story for another time.
When my dad went to prison, my mom relied heavily on me for emotional support. So, I basically became the parent to my mom at that age. And since my siblings were all out of the house already, it was just the two of us.
On top of that, I was about to graduate high school and felt very alone with my dad gone. I was about to go out into the world, and I didn’t feel like I had any guidance or any idea about what to do with my life.
With all that, I broke down pretty hard. I stopped eating. Getting out of bed was a daily battle. And I felt like I had no purpose or support.
It was the darkest point of my life.
I didn’t have the skills to manage all the things I was feeling.
But somehow I managed to barely make it out of that period. But I was completely numb, suicidal and was weighed down by years of suppressed emotions.
Fast forward two years to when my friend called me up. He told me that his mom had just done some group therapy program and that he had never actually seen her happy before.
Then he invited me to try it out with him.
So we went with a group of friends to this weekend program for self-realization.
And at one point, the group facilitator had us address our own anger. They walked us through how to work through all these pent up emotions. And their method was to have us hit pillows or a chair or to yell. It was a safe space where they coached us through it all.
That was new for me. But I really went for it.
After that exercise, I felt so different. I felt alive again in a way that I hadn’t in years, if ever. And I felt so connected to myself.
And I was hooked. The only thing I wanted after that was to make that feeling last as long as possible, the feeling of being me. Of loving myself, of feeling so proud and radiant in my own skin.
Little by little, I started tuning into my emotions. If I was feeling sad, I would look at it and question myself about it.
I also read as much as I could about emotions, and how to feel good.
As I became quote on quote better friends with my emotions, it caused me to make a lot of significant changes in my life - changes for the better. Changes that made me happier.
One of them was leaving the religion I was brought up in, Mormonism. Because I realized it was making me so miserable. It just wasn’t for me. But leaving was like breathing for the first time. I could finally be myself.