Crab Chat: Recent Episodes
Crab HQ
The unofficial fantasy review that you never wanted nor asked for. Partnering with What Mud Crab fantasy football league.
TIRUBANL! This week Simon and The Long Boi go head to head and discuss the league's misconduct
Come on down to Farmer Zac’s piglet farm. We’ve got piglets of all positions and sizes. You can do all sorts of things with them: race em, swim in the pool with them. We guarantee you won’t stop having fun at Zac’s Piglet Farm
All my life I've been good Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
Go to church and Bible School
To live by God's rule
So whatever people tell me
That The Bible tells me
I will do
Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I've got my morals in check
It was easy to do 'til I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he's cute as heck
But I made a pact to keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight
Never learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
'Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that, "Guys can't wait that long"
I don't want to lose him
To someone who'll do him
I might need to figure something out
Well there's a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It's my Hail Mary, full of grace
In Jesus' name, we go to fifth base!
Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I'm not a Godless whore
He'll have to come in the back door
Therefore
Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It's just between you and me
'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
It's hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead
So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you cum
Oops! I mean let's join our souls and unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God
Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan's doorbell, God can't ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
'Cause birth control's for sluts and it's a sin
I've emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I'm ready for romance
Now I'm praying to the Power that's the Highest
But of all of my holes, this one's the driest
And we can't procreate if we anally copulate
And God's OK with sodomy, but only if you're straight
And I'm staying pure, no matter what
So I'm OK with everything but...
Everything but...
Everything but...
Whoa, fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It's just between you and me
'Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
I do whatever The Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure
So let's not talk about how the Good Book bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
'Cause those parts don't count, of course
Let's cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry and mine it for ambiguities and omissions
To circumvent any real sacrifice
But still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions
And don't you dare question my convictions
And don't look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction
As the only way to measure if you're good or not
And in a debate, just say, "To have faith"
Because when you're up against logic, it's the only card you've got
So close your eyes, take a deep breath and...
Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus
BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL BRUGERBOWL
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun
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Live from his Lake Como villa, Signore Roberto Giuseppe Bellagio discusses the state of affairs of La Lega De Granchi over his morning espresso
UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY UNDERHSELLY
Hi, I'm Sroy McGlure. You may remember me from such podcasts as "Crusty the Crazy Crab" and "Get Witherboom, stupid!"
Chad: Residue of faecal matter; usually situated between arse cheeks after incomplete wiping and can spread to balls.
Holding onto the mic when the league have voted you out is a statement, and that statement is "from my cold dead hands you ginger fuck"
Mando debuts on the mic after a hectic few rounds of footy. Welcome back to regular programming
Live from his Lake Como villa, it's Breakfast with Roberto Giuseppe Bellagio. Mornings from 6 on Crab FM
Zed Mack and a Hard Boiled Egg review Round 4 while Matty the Crabman is away in Albany looking for a new midfield
This week's guest, The Janitor, helped Crab HQ by offering some live expert opinions on how the round would unfold
This week's guest, The Neckbeard, helped Crab HQ review Rd 1 (and possibly the entire 2020 season). Brought to you by Celso Pinot Grigio Delle Venezie Doc Italia and Maltesers.
After a long summer in crab gulley, the coaches of the league return to the draft table for the second season of What Mud Crab (if it even goes ahead).
After last year's debacle of a draft night, the league's Coaches Association collaborated to hold the inaugural Grundy Day to decide the draft order for the 2020 season. Join your hosts Matty the Crab and Chiko Roll as they capture all the drama as it unfolded on Rottnest Island.
Matty the Crab and Chiko Roll sign off for 2019 and discuss who will take out the Crab Cup in the upcoming Grand Final. Thanks to all our fans and see you in 2020 x
This week's guest, Joel Bowden, helped Crab HQ review Rd 20. How fucking GOOD is Jack Darling
This week's guest, Simon Ringrose, joins Chicken Casserole in the studio at Crab HQ to review Rd 16 while the Crabman tries to find inspiration for a comeback in the deep north of Michigan, USA.
This week's guest, Daniel Chick, helped Crab HQ review Rd 10 and brought a few of his own surprises