EVERY YOUTH MATTERS With Dr. John Tan: Recent Episodes
Soul Rich Woman, Instant Podcast Leader
Hello and Welcome to “Every Youth Matters”. I’m Dr John Tan. For the past 30 years, I’ve been helping youths realize their life potential. In recent years, though, I’ve helped parents, teachers, counsellors and youth workers engage their teenagers and youths. In this podcast I will share tips, tools and ways to reach what may be that difficult or challenging youth who just would not respond to your best intentions or actions. What can we do to reach and win their hearts? I believe that a youth’s potential is too precious a gift to waste. So join me in this journey, for every youth matters!
I feel happy as I've completed another milestone of leaving a legacy through my podcasts.
It may have been done during a challenging time but looking back, it got done.
I encourage all who want to have stories and messages heard, and amplified, to get on Instant Podcast Leader!
Season 2 has seen me dive deeper into issues like mental health, self-harm and misbehaviours.
I have raised the importance of us as adults, parents and educators to look in and practice self-care before we look out for others.
It's been a great journey and I hope that what I have shared will be of help to those who want to be of help to children and youths.
Rudeness is typically not a natural behaviour.
Children and youths who are rude have learned such behaviour through their social circles.
Rudeness has to be addressed without rejecting the person per se.
We have to reassure the rude person that it is their rudeness we can't condone and not themselves.
Some children and youths are quick to make promises but don't keep them.
It could be they are seeking acceptance without first realising the responsibility.
We have to help and even hand-hold those who may require help in understanding responsibility and show them how to keep to promises.
Some youths who lie do so to avoid certain consequences that frighten them.
It could be that they perceive they can't get what they want.
We have to reassure those who lie that they are not rejected as persons; only their behaviour is not acceptable.
Some youths may display an air of indifference to hide their insecurities.
Yet they could actually be saying, "I don't want to get hurt."
We need to acknowledge the fears and insecurities in some children and provide them reassurance.
Some children and youths gripe because they want to avoid responsibility.
Others do so because they have fear.
An attitude of gratitude is a good antidote to griping.
We need to help those who gripe by expanding their perspectives beyond themselves.
Those who like to clown around may be naturally humourous.
They need to learn what and when is appropriate.
We can appreciate the humourous ones while at the same time helping them direct their self-awareness.
Some children behave like perfect and innocent beings so as to receive favour.
In manipulating feelings, they learn to exert power and control.
We must both tell and assure children that we will be there for them.
Anger is a strong emotion - often for our protection.
Children who are angry all the time often lack the feeling of safety.
Yet they need to learn to exercise healthy restraint.
We must soothe the ruffled feelings of fear in youths who are constantly angry.
Attention seekers fear being isolated and rejected.
They need to know and feel accepted but yet redirect their misbehaviours.
We should not dismiss the attention seeker but instead firmly direct and affirm them.
Agitators have a need for exerting power behind the scenes.
They need assurance and fear rejection.
We can help youths by reassuring them of our acceptance and yet need to provide boundaries.
The four steps are:
1. Identify the behaviour
2. Understand the effect of the behaviour
3. Identify the cause of the behaviour
4. Avoid common mistakes
Having a systematic way to handle misbehaviours is a helpful process.
Some children and youths believe that if they don't try, they won't fail.
They give up because they don't want to be hurt more.
We need to encourage those feeling a sense of despair with assurance that they can still succeed, step by step.
Hurt youths hurt others.
Sometimes they are mean to others in order to feel they matter.
Hurt children and youths need to be soothed and reassured that they are being heard.
The need for power and autonomy is a basic one.
Youths need to feel that they matter and that what they do matters too.
Concerned and caring adults must empower children and youths through appropriate avenues.
Attention-seeking behaviour is a common drive.
Sometimes youths lacking in attention act up or act out in order to get it.
Providing appropriate attention to children and youths can reassure them they are ok.
Most humans seek belonging and hence social behaviour is often purposeful.
Misbehaviour then results from a mistaken assumption of fulfiling that need.
Basic drives are for attention, power, revenge and a sense of helplessness.
We must look beyond the external behaviours and into hidden causes in order to redirect misbehaviours.
Our calmness helps soothe ruffled feelings in youths.
We need to practice self-care first before we can tend to others with calmness.
Our calmness helps to diffuse and defuse youth misbehaviours.
It starts with me but it is not about me.
Don't take it personally because many times misbehaviours exhibited by youths are not directed as us per se, although it may seem so.
We have to question ourselves why we want to handle such misbehaviours too.
An awareness of our own strengths, needs, and motives is the starting point for handling youth misbehaviours.
Adults need to be mindful of the environment, values, and skills imparted to children and youths.
Resilience often comes from a combination of factors and need to be provided and taught.
Children and youths need supportive resources and environments to build resilience.
There are three pairs of powerful words that can lead to building resilience:
I have. I am. I can.
Fostering resilience in children and youths begin with the focused intention of informed adults.
It is normal to expect that learning something can be tough.
It is also normal to expect that anything worth doing requires effort.
Thus, success is often found when we persevere.
Youths need to learn that success is often found "around the bend." It's there waiting for us only if we search for it.
There are three secrets to success:
1. Find the right way
2. Put in the effort
3. Persevere and don't give up
Adults should encourage youths to persevere in their effort to discover the right ways to doing things.
Youths have to move away from fixed mindsets.
Adults have to encourage youths that their capacity to learn should not be finite.
Don't praise kids they are smart - neither tell them they are dumb.
Adults should encourage youths to steer from fixed mindsets.
Youths need to be challenged so that they can experience growth and development.
Allow for appropriate and increasing amounts of independence, freedom, and opportunities for exploration.
Adults can help youths develop when they stretch them beyond their comfort zones.
Rehearsing and practicing positive behaviour is a protective tool.
Practice makes permanence as it helps wire positive brain pathways.
It is preferred that mistakes be made earlier, during practice, rather than in real challenging situations.
Youths can be primed and prepared to practice positive behaviour before they are confronted with negative situations.
Respect has to be earned and not automatically expected by adults of youths.
Treating youths with regard provides them a space to negotiate and learn how to discuss things important to them.
When adults treat youths with respect, it helps to send the message that they are trusted.
We must apply active listening.
Pay attention to not only what youths say but when they say it.
Listen to their cues and inner pains, fears, and aspirations.
Adults have to listen in a way that helps youths talk. In that way, they feel safe and better supported.
Contrary to some common beliefs, teenagers require and appreciate the help of trusted responsible adults.
Adults need to be there for youths to form a safe, dependable, anchoring presence in their lives.
When people experience symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder they can feel self-conscious and inadequate.
They can feel like everyone is judging them and thus begin to withdraw from social interactions.
They may even feel guilty for such avoidance thus start to feel bad about themselves.
Journeying, without judgment, with the person with Social Anxiety Disorder is a must.
Social Anxiety Disorder is much more than being feeling painfully shy.
A person with Social Anxiety has an intense fear of social situations.
Often they become increasingly alone as they spiral in isolation.
Like responding to other mental illnesses, it is very important that helpers and caregivers understand the disease and empathize with sufferers.
Children and adolescents with ADHD frequently have a lot of energy and have trouble concentrating. They may also struggle to maintain control over what they say or do.
One of the most important things to remember when having an ADHD child is that you are not alone. Join an organized support group for parents of children with ADHD that comes from a very good understanding system.
In ADHD, the brain’s thinking, feeling, perceiving/sensing, and behaving mechanisms are not working the way they should. This makes it hard to focus, remember, plan ahead, or think things through before you act. And because your perceiving/sensing mechanisms aren’t working properly, you might be paying way more attention to the things going on around you than you need to.
We need to understand why youths with ADHD tend to find it hard to remain focused on task.
The teenage brain is still under construction.
It needs to be protected and understood.
Being under construction, it is still malleable.
As adults, we must appreciate that the teenage brain is under construction and hence we have to exercise patience and informed care.
Journeying with a youth struggling with depression is a very important aspect of his or her recovery.
When providing support to youths suffering from depression, we also need to look after ourselves.
Everyone has bad days and that is normal.
Depression is a clinical condition where prolonged mood of bad days is present.
Differentiating depression from bad days is important in being of support to those suffering from depression.
Depression is a common enough issue with youths.
It may be affected by genetics, stress, and even ailments
We need to understand what depression is in order to combat both the stigma and misunderstandings associated with it.
The human brain has six different but completely linked functions.
When one function does not work properly it affects the whole brain and thus the life of the person.
An understanding of the brain helps us to understand how to support youths with mental disorders.
Stressors during adolescence are typical and to be expected.
What makes the difference is when disorders become the order of the day in young people.
Those who struggle with mental disorders need the support of informed people who care.
We need to arm ourselves with the knowledge of what mental health and disorders are.
Removing stigma of mental health is important because of two reasons:
1. Many mental health disorders in adults begin in adolescence and we thus need to nip them in the bud
2. We want to encourage help-seeking behaviour by assuring people it's ok to talk about mental disorders
Let's not shy away from talking with and to youths about mental health and disorders.
The aspects of depression, anorexia, self-harm and suicide are really troubling ones.
What messages must concerned and caring adults give to counter these negative themes?
Bear in mind that we are both the messenger and message.
As concerned and caring adults, we need to present consistent actions and words in order to be messengers of hope to troubled youths.
We must take on the perspective of the troubled youths even though it does not make sense to us.
Hurt youths hurt others - it's sometimes a form of coping response
Taking on the perspective of the hurt or troubled youth is an extremely important one if we want to be of help.
Being alert to signs of self-harm increases the success of helping intervention
Being empathetic without judgment and shock helps too
Seek allies when attempting to help a troubled youth
It does take some effort when trying to reach out hurt youths who self-harm but it is possible with the right approach.
There are two main reasons why youths resort to self-harming:
a. Control - to exert some control in an otherwise overwhelming situation or hurt
b. Catharsis - somehow self-inflicted wounds provide some release from pain
Understanding the reasons why some youths self-harm may help increase our empathy towards them.
As adults we need to be alert to the signs displayed by our young.
We have to be alert because youths sometimes may not be willing or able to articulate what they are going through.
Once we spot such signs, we should not hesitate to approach the youth, in an empathetic manner.
There are usually signs, both verbal but mainly non-verbal, of distress that are exhibited by troubled youths.
It's best to not tackle a distressed situation alone. Get help.
Always share from the point of empathy and not judgment.
Try to surround the trouble youth with safety.
We need to provide support from a point of empathy and with the help of others, not alone.
Behind each suicide pain, there is often a loss.
We need to help identify the meaning of this loss.
We also need to establish whether there is a loss of meaning or purpose as a result of the loss.
Helping to pinpoint the meaning of a loss can help a suicidal person search for possible avenues of resolution.
We need to listen to try to understand why a person is thinking about suicide.
Very often, a suicidal person sees suicide as a way to end his or her pain.
It is helpful to understand what has triggered the person's thoughts of suicide.
Listening to the story behind a person's pain can help us understand why he or she has contemplated suicide.
Contrary to a popular myth, you will not plant thoughts in a person's mind when you ask directly about suicide.
Instead, when you ask directly, it shows that you care and that it is OK to talk about it.
Asking directly about suicide tells a distressed person that you care.
We need to be willing and alert to look out for signs of suicide ideation.
Our intuition and gut feel is helpful to help us be alert to the sign of distress around us.
It is as simple as asking "Are u OK?"
By asking a simple question of concern, we can help make a suicidal person more willing to open up.
About 1 in 20 people or 5% of the population has entertained thoughts of suicide in past year, according to statistics.
We need to be able to address talk of suicide in order to encourage help-seeking behaviour.
We need to be alert and open to addressing signs of suicide when we spot them.
Youth suicides form the highest age group of completed suicides.
We need to destigmatise talking about suicide so that more young people will seek help.
It is completely alright to be talking about suicide.
We can find a balance between placing too high expectations and not placing expectations on youths. We are to avoid placing on them our vicarious dreams. Instead, we can approach from a strengths-based approach.
We need to be clear what we are looking for when we place expectations on our young.
There are three main Ss of self-care:
1. Sleep 2. Space out 3. Seek help | If we want to be effective in reaching and engaging youths or others, we need to look into our self-care first.
There are two main philosophical thoughts guiding me: 1. There always is a way. 2. Our problems may be tough but we are tougher.
We can be confident going through any thing in life because when we look back, we will see that we have overcome.
TakeAways
Podcasting is an effective and doable platform for sharing our voice.
Everyone has a story to tell - and should tell it.
Conclusion
With the right help and guidance, we can launch our podcasting story-telling.
Genecia, and her fabulous team from Soul Rich Woman, especially podcast coach Joanne, provide amazing help in this area.
TakeAways
Reaching teens and youths must always start with me.
However it is not for me or about me.
We as adults are both the messenger and message.
Conclusion
We must remember the purpose and reason for us wanting to help youths. It is to help them discover their life purpose and grow to be contributing adults.
TakeAways
For teens to develop the ability to think for themselves and discern among varying perspectives, they need to be given a safe space to explore and question.
Conclusion
We must model for teens why and how our values govern our decisions and interactions with others.
TakeAways
While teens place importance in acceptance from peers, they still depend on families for primary support and affection.
ConclusionWe must help teens understand boundaries so that they can develop strong ties socially.
Self-esteem is a big issue during adolescence - teens need to receive approval from loved ones, friends and through personal successes.
Stress management is also a critical skill.
We must look out for teens by building their emotional vocabulary, while watching out warning signs that they are not coping with stress.
Creating "cool' zones where teens can process reflection and rehearse coping strategies is crucial.
Protecting against harmful habits and injuries will be helpful too.
We must share and model what it means to be able to think through and shape our choices so as to reap positive outcomes.
TakeAwaysAdolescence presents competing demands or rewards for teens.
Hence adults may wonder why their behaviour is irrational.
Conclusion
We have to practice patience and assurance so that teens can navigage their way through this confusing period.
Adolescent brain activity is a tremendous time for growth and development, in preparation for adulthood.
However, impulse control and decision making abilities develop the latest.
We have to exercise patience when dealing with teens particularly at this stage. Modeling a calm and non anxious presence helps a lot.
Teens need the assurance of normality as they go through the throes of adolescence.
It will also help them to form good habits of eating well, sleeping well and avoiding harmful habits.
We have to guide teens to develop and form good and healthy habits that wil put them in a good stead for development.
Physical changes, often happening in rapid spurts, may threaten the self-esteem and sense of confidence among adolescent teens.
We have to reassure teens that it is normal to experience the changes, although they may differ from teen to teen.
Teens have to navigate through the challenges of physical and cognitive changes, while redefining their relationships with family and peers.
We need to offer calm and reasuring support to teens while they journey throuch adolescence.
Adolescence presents both a turbulent time and one filled with opportunities for growth.
Often, hormonal changes, risk-taking and craving for peer-acceptance feature prominently in a teen's life, when compared to decision-making.
We need to guide teens through this time in a non-judgemental manner, accompanying them in their journey.
As adults, we do not want to have youths to just be surviving. Instead we want them to thrive, filled with a purpose in life.
We have to be aware and intentionally facilitate the shift from suriving to thriving.
We want youths to not have a give-me mentality but instead have a give-back attitude.
We have to be aware and intentionally facilitate the shift from give-me to give-back.
TakeAways
We have to help youths move away from fragility towards agility, developing resilience while displaying adaptability and flexiblity.
Conclusion
We have to be aware and intentionally facilitate the shift from fragility to agility.
Youths need to move from dependency to inter-dependency as they learn to work and collaborate in community. | We have to be aware and intentionally facilitate the shift from dependency to inter-dependency.
Shifting from adult agenda to youth agency, we must encourage participation of youth voice and empowerment.
We have to be aware and intentionally facilitate the shift from adult agenda to youth voice.
Youths need to feel and be competent, confident, connected, develop character, caring and compassion so that they can contribute purposefully.
Practising the PYD principles has to be done intentionally so that youths grow and develop into positive contributors to society.
PYD believes in providing positive opportunities to contribute and influence the world around them.
As adults we need to provide the opportunities for youths to learn to contribute and grow within a community.
PYD takes place in a positive and nurturing environment where caring adults empower youths.
As adults we must come together to intentionally create and facilitate a nurturing environment for youths to grow and thrive.
PYD calls for adults to have positive expectations of young people as assets having the power to change.
As adults we must believe that youths are assets with talents and potential.
Putting the 3Rs of Refraining, Reflecting, and Reframing together require deeper thought, practice and rehearsal. | As adults, we must realise that we are both the messenger and the message to the younth.
The third R is Reframing how we view what as liabilities and change them to assets or strengths.
How we view youths affects the way they respond to us. | When we change the way we think, we change the way we feel.
The second R is Reflecting on our reactions and feelings.
We need to look deep in order to understand why we respond in certain ways.
The first R is Refraining from the urge to take it personally, snap back and jump to conclusions.
As caring adults, it is our responsibility to respond in a calm manner and to provide a calm environment for youths to respond too.
Adults, being in the position of responsibility, must never seek to secure their validation from youths.
We need to soul-search ourselves while establishing healthy avenues for self-care.
Although reaching youths starts with me, it's never for or about me.
We must not presume that our desire to help youths is based on the correct assumptions. In order to make a real diference and align with the youth's best interests, we need to first check with them.
We must seek to understand the hearts of the young person in order to align with their best interests, and not solely ours.
Knowing ourselves and what really drives us to want to reach youths will enhance our efforts.
It's also important to know that the youth is not a vicarious extension of our own unfulfilled childhood dreams or ambitions.
We must regularly search our inner selves honestly and answer the question why we want to reach or infuence the child or youth.
The formula is Friendly-Firm-Fair-Flexible-Fun.
It comes as a package to remind us how we should guide youths.
We need to apply a balanced approach when reaching youths.
Avoid power struggles. As adults we don't win at all.
We need to check in our pride, ego and face when confronting teens, particularly when it's a boundary issue.
Play the role of a learner. Ask the teen to teach you stuff but don't expect patience from them.
We must exercise humilty and patience in involving teens in the role of teacher. It builds their confidence and prepares then for emerging adulthood.
Understand the place of drama in a teen's life. So don't over-react or respond too quickly.
We have to assure youths that we hear them and that they can share their fears and frustration with us.
Resist the urge to nag. Instead, listen.
Anatomically, we've been given two ears and only one mouth - so we must listen twice as much as we speak
We must exercise refrain and succumbing to anxiety when directing teens who want to be acknowledged that they can be trusted, even when they fail. We a huge dose of patience
Relating to teens is not logic-based. Often, it is feelings-based.
The teenage brain is not fully empowered cognitively.
We need to reach the hearts of the teens first, journey with them before we can reach their minds.
KEY TAKEWAYS:
Effective communication with teens always takes place within a relationship.
Outside of a relationship, communication just operates on a cold factual basis
CONCLUSION:
We need to spend time and energy building the relationship with the youth.
Cry #6: You don't understand us? Well we don't understand ourselves!
We must exhibit empathy as youths deal with the challenges of development.
Cry #5: We want to be trusted.
We need to acknowlege youths as persons who are emerging into adulthoods.
Cry #4: Will you be here for us?.
We must assure youths we will not abandon them. We keep our promises.
Cry #3: We need a place to belong.
We must help the youth to also find themselves and purpose in this world
Cry #2: We're hurting and hurting deeply.
We have to assure youths that we will be there for them and smooth their fears.
Cry #1: We're changing, confused and vulnerable.
We need to assure youths that we hear them and are there for them, while they're going through their changes. We understand.
Empathy is about acknolwedging the feelings of the youths and ensuring we listen to them.
Take a step back to attempt to understand your child's background or situation. Refrain from judging.
It begins with us taking the first step as Respect can't be demanded but earned.
Are you showing respect to your youth? It sounds weird but it does help to thaw the gap.
Appreciation is about giving appropriate praise, affirmation and it begins with You.
Are you expressing appreciation to your child?
It doesn't take much to be that one caring adult.
But it does mean taking up time to just check on that youth - better still, journey with them.
Would you be that one caring person in the life of a young person?
TakeAways
Help youths overcome self-disbelief by:
Providing affirming environment
Checking their language
Practicing positive self-talk
Conclusion
Self-disbelief in youths must be overcome by positive reframing.
TakeAways
Help youths' self-belief with a strengths-based approachHelp youths to believe in themselves by:
Seeing and appreciating their strengths
Allowing them to fail, but providing the support
Conclusion
Help youths' self-belief with a strengths-based approach
TakeAways
If you want to reach youths, you must ask yourself: do you believe in them?
Do you see them as having power and potential?
Conclusion
Belief can act like a booster and buffer against doubt and despair
TakeAways
The environment surrounding the child consists of different systems.
The more numerous and positive the interconnections are between these systems, the better
They form a sticky safety net.
Conclusion
Parents and teachers should form alliances;
don't journey alone; and get to know the child's friends
TakeAways
We don't see problem youths but rather, youths with problems, often stemming from their environments.
CARE adopts a 2-prong approach ot helping youths
1. Seeking the best interest of the child
2. Seeking to facilitate an empowering environment for the child
Conclusion
CARE's 23-year journey has seen countless children and youth achieving breakthroughs.
Challenge to listeners: What decisions have you made that were truly in the best interest of the child or youth?
Key Takeaways:
- When a child goes wayward, many people pay the price.
- What can we do to prevent that?
The price when one youth goes the wrong way is too expensive for anyone to pay.
We really need to work together to prevent such pain from occuring.
Key Takeaways:
- When a child goes wayward, many people pay the price.
- What can we do to prevent that?
The price when one youth goes the wrong way is too expensive for anyone to pay.
We really need to work together to prevent such pain from occuring.
Key Takeaways:
- Friends may provide a protective source, provided they are good.
As adults, we want to encourage our children to be and make good friends.
Key Takeaways
- Friends are critical to a young person's development.
- Often they may influence both decisions and behaviour.
- But it may not be necessarily bad as friends can be a force for good too.
- The thing is: especially for parents - do you know your child's friends?
It's important for a youth to have friends but what's even more important is the kind of friends he or she has.
As adults wanting to reach youths, we need to know who these friends are.
TakeAways
I discover that divergence is not bad.
There's a reason why curious youths are curious.
Conclusion
It doesn't matter who the youth or teen is or where he or she comes from, what matters is that every youth matters. You should subscribe to this show to learn more of how to reach the child or youth.