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Brian Mayer is excited to talk to Blended Family Coach Brittany Simo. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Brittany Simo is a Blended Family Coach. Her expertise is relationships in blended families. Divorce and remarriage have been a part of her whole life, as well as generations before her. She is currently a stepmom to two kids. She is close friends with their biological mother-she is even a bridesmaid in Brittany’s upcoming wedding! She says that while friendship is not the goal of blended families, the status and health of the relationships in blended families make all the difference. From experience and studies, she offers authentic assistance to those who are struggling in the blended family chaos they call life.
Brittany shares many helpful tips and mindset shifts when it comes to how we deal with the ex-spouse and the other biological parent especially when you are the new parent entering into this new blended family.
These relationships often develop under very stressful situations and there can often be very hard feelings even anger. Often anger arises when one or both parties feel that they will not have some kind of say in the kids lives.
Brittany teaches us to remember that the step parent is not there to replace a bio parent but to be a very valuable supplement to help raise and take care of the children.
Brittany’s mentions that not every step parent develops a solid friendship with the other parent, but she did. She talks about what she did and the mindset around making that shift.
Brittany is active on Facebook and Instagram. She also offers coaching services as well to help you in your blended family journey. Her information is in the Resources section below.

Resources:

Website: brittanysimo.com
Instagram: blendedwithbritt
Facebook: Coach Brittany
Email: coachbrittanysimo@gmail.com

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication. It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well. We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Today we are talking about cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. You might be wondering how this would have anything to do with how I communicate with my spouse, but as you will see by the time we end today there is a strong connection.
I saved this episode for the last in our series because I do believe that it is the cornerstone for all the rest. You may have read in the bible that Jesus is considered the cornerstone.
The definition of a cornerstone is a “stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.”
As such Jesus is the cornerstone that brings together the other 9 episodes on communication with this one.
There may be some of you that listen to this podcast who are not Christian or that take offense to Christianity. I often think a lot of this has to do with the human beings that have mistreated you or maybe twisted things. It could even come from the belief that Christianity is not inclusive.
I am not here today to argue any of these points, but rather to share some helpful scripture that may help in how you communicate with your spouse.
As you may or may not know Jesus was known for speaking the “truth in love.” He had a way of speaking about what was right, just, and moral, but he did it in a way that was caring and loving.
I love what 1 Peter 3:15 says about this. It says “… in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
So if we have an issue with someone in our life, we should bring that issue to them by speaking the truth about whether it is building up or tearing down. But again we must do it in a way that is gentle.
Other than the anger that Jesus showed when people were turning a place of worship into a place of money exchange where things were bought and sold, he was always very gentle and kind to those who were considered “less than” in his society.
So what some ways to cultivate your relationship with Jesus and also what are the benefits? Lets discuss that now:
- Quiet Prayer: Getting alone in a room such as a closet or maybe even going out in nature can help increase hearing what many call the quiet still voice of the Lord. Above all in prayer focus on thanking the Lord for all he has done and to desire simply to increase the relationship. Make it less about a list of what you “want.”
- Scripture Reading About Communication: There are many passages about communication that can be very helpful to meditate on and memorize to recall when you need them. Here are a few:
  - James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
  - James 3:3-5 - When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
  - Proverbs 18:13 - Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.
- Gathering With Others Who Have Strong Marriages and uphold Christ at the Center of the Marriage – Learning from others in this position who have strong relationships but are willing to also share when they mess up can be so incredibly powerful, encouraging and helpful.
- Find and Attend a good Bible believing Church. If you find a church like this you will quite often be exposed to sermons about healthy ways to communicate with and treat your spouse. Do this for several years and the good will continue to accumulate.
- Teach others About What Has Worked for You and Your Spouse. There is nothing like cementing what you have learned about good communication from your prayer time, reading the Bible, attending church, and learning from others that will help when you share with others. This will often come back to strengthen your relationship and communication.
We really hope you have enjoyed this entire series on communication. Please go back through episodes 182 through this one which is 191 and you will get all sorts of great information and perspectives on how to make your communication with your spouse and your family even healthier.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today we are talking about self reflection. Self reflection is the idea of thinking about ourself more than our partner and to understand how our actions and reactions affect our partner.
Self reflection is a lost art because we often thing about the people and world around us as affecting how we respond. However, it can be argued that we learned how we react long ago to things going on outside ourselves.
For example when our partner keeps repeating themselves over and over again, usually our first thought is how irritating they are being. We might say back I have heard you say this over and over again to me and I am tired of hearing it.
But what if we flipped it and said either to our partner or to ourselves, I wonder what I might be doing that might that could be increasing my partner repeating themselves.
It could be that you don’t acknowledge genuinely what your partner says. Or maybe you don’t take at least some responsibility for your part in the interaction or thing your partner is upset about.
So again very easy to focus on what others are doing that are causing us issues, but more difficult to shine a light on ourselves.
Now of course as with anything the pendulum can swing too far the other way where we constantly let others off the hook for their actions but if we can work to have the balance of our thoughts stay centered on how we are thinking feeling and acting in a situation the better our relationships generally can be.
So how can we focus on this thing called self-reflection? Let’s talk about some ways:
- Ask yourself where you learned to respond in a particular way to an issue or event. For example where did you learn that being a harsh disciplinarian was better than encouraging a child to voice their feelings about something they did wrong?
- Ask how your action/reaction is affecting your partners action/reaction. We often think in reverse about how our partners action causes us to respond.
- When your partner asks if you can do something differently, if you are able to simply and genuinely say that you will consider it an issue that needs to be worked on. Again we typically do not respond in this manner. We usually get defensive and explain this will not change until the other person changes.
- Take a personality test like Myers Briggs or the Enneagram. The goal of taking these is to of course understand what you are doing, but more importantly to understand why we do what we do. Often the things we learn about ourselves can be a positive or healthy but when out of balance can be very unhealthy.
- Speak to a good therapist who is trained in helping with self reflection.
Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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In a romantic relationship, the longer we are together the more we may begin what feels like a wrestling for power.
It may happen in big situations like how to handle parenting or deal with an ex-spouse. It could happen with even small things like where best to put the sugar in the pantry.
Obviously as we gain more comfort with our partner in a relationship it is bound that these things will happen.
Both people in the relationship believe that power distribution should be equal in most every situation and if one or both people believe it is not, then it can certainly cause tension and disagreements.
Power struggles obviously make it very difficult to reach a compromise or agreements.
Often the inability to compromise may come from childhood or past relationships. If you or your partner never saw good conflict management growing up then of course it is going to be difficult to know how to resolve issues.
Maybe in a past relationship you felt completely controlled. And as such you refuse to allow that feeling to happen again. So you stand up for everything you disagree with.
Often we don’t back down from something because we believe something bad will result or maybe we have a fear. Often though many times these beliefs are irrational.
Or sometimes we thinking backing down shows that we aren’t strong or can’t stand up for ourselves.
Again as with everything we are talking about there can be a lot at play in pushing us in one direction or another.
So lets talk some suggestions for solutions:
- Talk About Your Histories. Talk about your childhood and past relationship when it came time to share power and decision making. The more you know and understand about your partner, the better.
- Talk About Your Fears. Does giving in mean that you think something negative will happen? Express these to each other. Be honest with yourself about the likelihood that this will happen if you give in.
- One Manager, One Employee. If there is a power struggle in a situation, decide if you can be okay that one person manages and makes decisions and the other helps carry them out.
- Each Give a Little. Is there something small that you each can give in on to make something happen.
- Try it Your Way This Time and Mine Next. Agree to try it one of your ways this time and reassess and then if it is not working, try something else or try it your partner’s way. Don’t gloat if your partner’s way does not work!
- Agree to Disagree Without Resentment. This one is often not the best approach because something it doesn’t get to a solution and sometimes it is hard to do without resentment.
- Talk about How it Went. After something happens, have a discussion about how it went by working to keep emotional regulation low.
Often in relationships I will hear both people might believe their partner does not yield power. One though may be loud and aggressive and the other quiet and immovable. Both people can see the other as not yielding but in reality both are not.
Keep working at what famous couples researcher John Gottman calls “Accepting Influence” to help build trust, remove resentment, and create a greater connection.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

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Today we are talking about triggers. And before you think it is a discussion about parts of a pistol let me assure you that is not a topic we dive into on this podcast.
We are talking about emotional triggers. Emotions can often times get unleashed if something in the present moment happens to us that our brain thinks is similar to something that has happened in our past.
Most of we can really get triggered when we have experienced past traumas. What do we mean when we say traumas? These can be things like physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse.
They can be things like sudden and unexpectedly death of a loved one.
A trauma can come from other types of violence or accidents as well.
Traumas can also be the opposite of this as well. A trauma can occur if we have been abandoned or neglected.
A emotional trauma can happen if a romantic partner has an affair.
Another thing about traumas is that especially those that center around violence or abuse can happen whether we experience it ourselves or witness someone else experiencing it.
Unfortunately all of these things can fire up our emotions often when they are not necessary.
For example, say we have been cheated on in our past. Well if our spouse comes home late 15 minutes without letting you know could stir up feelings of being abandoned. Often we might unleash our unhappiness on someone who has done nothing wrong.
Now of course can we say with 100% certainty that something happening in the present is nothing like what happened in the past? Of course not. But there is a higher likelihood that things that have happened in our past may be coloring our belief in what is happening in the present.
Emotional triggers can obviously cause problems in our present relationship if we are not careful. So what do we do about them?
Here are some things to remember when dealing with emotional triggers:
- Take each situation in life as separate. Realize that factors surrounding every situation are never identical.
- Question your initial thoughts. Say to yourself is there another possible reason for why this is happening?
- Tell your partner about your past traumas. Sometimes just getting it out to the person you love can help. Putting things into the light makes it more difficult than when issues stay in the dark.
- Seek counseling if the traumas from the past are deep. Sometimes it may take awhile to work on these issues by processing them with a professional.
- Is there a fear that is driving the issue? And once you identify there may be a fear, then ask what is the likelihood that what I fear will happen?
- Ask what is the worst thing that could happen if I left this go? Will you die? Will you be homeless? Will you have nothing to eat? Will you be alone? The answer most likely to these very drastic questions will usually be “No.” Unfortunately our brains usually take us to these places when we get triggered.
These are just a few ways that you can work to reduce the impact that your past has had and that will make for less turmoil and tension for you and your partner.
Unltimately this can of course help your communication flow more easily and gently.
Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today we are talking about defense mechanisms. When we feel vulnerable and or attacked in some way, we will begin to close off in some way. Most of the time the way in which we close off involves employing some kind of defense mechanism.
Now before you think this is all bad, in some ways you could argue that defense mechanisms protect us when we feel like it is not safe to show our true selves.
However, when they are employed too often especially in a romantic relationship it means that something is wrong. It may often be something about individually, the person we are with or a combination of the system we find ourselves in.
Let’s talk about some very common defense mechanisms that can inhibit our connection with the one we love:
- Projection: This is putting your feelings onto another person as if they were the other person’s. So for example, I might say you are just so angry when again maybe it is really me that is angry.
- Dissociation: This one involves checking out mentally and emotionally because the situations feels too intense. This one often comes as a result of trauma or abuse that has been suffered at some point in the person’s life.
- Regression: This one is all about reverting to an earlier stage of life because something has just become too hard. For example reverting to playing video games that one played as a child in order to avoid something difficult in the moment.
- Acting Out: This one is like an anger outburst that instead of rather calmly stating the person is angry they may instead punch a hole in the wall as a release.
- Denial: This one comes about often when emotional pain like shame or guilt comes about. Often experiencing these emotions are so painful and it often works best to deny the issue.
- Displacement: Taking out your frustrations on someone else because they feel safer to do so. For example lashing out at the boss may not be safe for fear of being fired, so you take it out on your spouse or the kids.
There are many other defense mechanisms and in the moment they probably do give a sense of relief. However in the long term, it just means we may be delaying experiencing and moving through these emotions.
And then as a result they may come on more intensely and cause even great issues down the road.
So what to do about these then? I will give you two suggestions to keep it simple.
- One is to work to express your feelings. Now a caveat here. Often we say we are simply expressing our feelings when we say something like “I feel upset when you act like a jerk.” Typically this will not receive a favorable response because we have followed up a feeling with a criticism. Sometimes but not always, if we can express our feelings as a reaction to something concrete and factual such as “I feel upset when you raise your voice” it can often be heard.
- Allow someone to own their response, but possibly set a boundary if not. Maybe the response is not what you like and maybe a boundary need to be set. So as in the example before, if the person will not change their behavior then you may need to say that when you raise your voice I will need to leave the conversation.
Lastly think about the defense mechanisms you may employ and work to see if there is anything you can do to change those for the better.
Have frank conversations with your partner about which ones you employ and which ones they employ and work together to reduce or eliminate these.

Resources:

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With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

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We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the people we love the most.
I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our brains are curious to understand. So when someone cuts us off in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive or uncaring or even selfish.
Or let’s say with the pandemic we are currently working to come out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.
So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is going on.
Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is selfish or uncaring.
What if in the mask example, the person has lost several members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe they are not healthy. In that case we wouldn’t say they are irrationally fearful.
Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or assumptions about what we think our partner is up to. Now sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they are not.
Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is doing.
An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am less than or not a good person. Of course at the point she is not going to apologize but again not for reason I assumed.
Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the assumption making? Lets go over some now.
We say this one all the time. But slow your thinking.
Just ask the person you are making the assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever they did or said. From there try your best to take it at face value.
Realize there could be another alternative. Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray available rather than something that is simply black or white.
Watch Projection. Just because you would react or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone else would do the same.
This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything about ourselves. As if some person’s actions are a direct reflection on something they are doing to us. This is often not the case.
Reflect on your past experiences. Is there anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a certain way about a situation.
Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your assumptions that often are incorrect.
Don’t forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10 part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently, Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about showing interest. Showing interest is a lot like empathy but I suppose without the focus on emotions.
Showing interest doesn’t have to be a lengthy cumbersome project.
For example if your partner comes home from work and says she got a promotion, and you turn with bright eyes and say “Wow, how awesome is that!” you literally just showed interest.
John Gottman, well known couples researcher says that showing interest is like what he refers to as “Turning Toward.” He says that relationships are built on small moments like this.
When opportunities for interest appear we can respond in one of 3 different ways (and maybe more).
- Turn Toward means to show a little bit of interest as mentioned before.
- Turn Away means to basically ignore or have disinterest
- Turn Against means to actually get angry and shut down whatever was brought up.
Gottman says that we don’t have to be perfect when it comes to Turning Toward. We are all human and will sometimes be off in our game. His research shows that couples that report general satisfaction will show some kind of interest 86% of the time. So a high level is necessary but perfection is not necessary.
Some helpful hints when it comes to Showing Interest
- Be proactive by looking for ways to show interest
- Make sure to incorporate positive tone and body language to show your interest.
- Ask questions to show interest (be careful about interrogating). Open ended questions are best such “would you tell me more about that?”
- If you aren’t interested in something your partner is saying, wait until you might find an angle that you can banter about. For example my wife will often talk about issues at her work. Often I have trouble knowing what to say, but when the conversation turns to say leadership qualities that she wants to work, well then I have found what I can feel comfortable talking about.
- What Do You Need from Me is a great question to ask that shows interest.
- Touching when appropriate especially with your partner can show interest, such as putting your hand on their shoulder, etc.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about empathy. Empathy is different than sympathy.
Sympathy is more like feeling pity on someone for their misfortune. Empathy is actually understanding and sharing in the feelings of another.
Sympathy can often feel disconnecting. It creates a gap between the one who is experiencing the issue and the one on the other side of it.
Empathy often feels more connecting. As if you are joining in the emotional sauna with the other person.
The definitions might seem slightly different but are often huge.
When we saying something like, “I am sorry you are going through that” it is often coming from such a good place. And often that kind of statement is a soothing balm. At least the person probably feels understood. But being understood is only part of the equation when it comes to empathy.
Remember the definition of empathy is feeling understood….but also sharing in the emotions of another.
So empathy might look something like, “so you are extremely sad that your grandmother passed away. She was very important to you and so no wonder there is such a great deal of sadness. Losing someone important would make me sad too.” So in this way it is not only understanding what the other person is going through but to really share in the emotion at the time.
All too often in relationship we can mess this up. What usually does not work:
- Creating Distractions. Sometimes if we too quickly offer to go out and get an ice cream cone with the person suffering can feel invalidating.
- Getting Angry. This one seems self explanatory, but often the issue lies with the one getting angry in that maybe they are not able to be in touch very well with emotions.
- Trying to Solve The Problem. By quickly offering a solution, you will send a message that the person’s problems are really not a big deal. Often the issue is not something that really can or needs to be solved.
- Talking too much about yourself. By quickly turning the situation the other person is dealing with into something about yourself can often make things worse.
All this being said, what can you do to show empathy properly?
- Sometimes your presence is enough. Stopping what you are doing especially if you are in the middle of a project often can show empathy without saying words.
- Verbalizing that you aren’t sure what could help but again the you are there. Just reassuring the person you love that you don’t have the solution to this but that you are there for them whatever they need.
- Reflecting back what you are hearing. This is especially good in a moment of crisis. It helps the other person feel heard and not so alone.
- Remember a time when you felt the same emotion. You don’t have to get into why you felt the emotion but that you should use the memory to connect with the other person’s emotion that you are hearing.
- Ask the person what they need from you? Again this is different than telling the person what you will do, but it shows that you are human and that you don’t know what is needed but you will do whatever is needed to help.
Empathy can be learned. If it is not something you grew up with up or are used to it can take some effort.
Additionally empathy can sometimes be difficult if you are confronted repeatedly with the same emotion over and over again. If this is the case, you may want to talk to your partner about speaking to a professional who can help especially if you are detecting more chronic issues like depression or anxiety for example.

Resources:

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Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently. So it would only be logical to talk about listening next.
Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice listening twice as much as we speak.
This is easier said than done because it is human nature to want to talk about ourselves for various reasons.
True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast with.
We can often hear something, but we don’t always listen. Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful attention.”
We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially active listening. This is much different than passive listening.
Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much else.
Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.
I’ve also heard it said they active listening is focusing on the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and touching.
So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let’s talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened to.
- Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These distractions could be physical things in the environment or they could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at work.
- Repeat back what you heard. This is probably the best way to show the other person that you are really working to understand. It can also help conversations slow down.
- Be flexible as you repeat back. This might mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.” This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you were receiving. Often though we can be very rigid and say something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to easily explain. It often instead invites the conversation to escalate.
- Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not to pull the conversation back to yourself. Get curious and keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for you.
- I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on the podcast it seems. But it really is important, because when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.
- Work to point out something you agree with (even if small) especially if the conversation is about something upsetting to the speaker that you may have done.
- Don’t try to solve the issue. Just continue to reflect back and offer support. Of course if your partner is asking for a solution then by all means try to help. But often this is not what your partner is looking for.
- Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and understood and then if you got what they were saying.
- There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are actively listening. What ways work for you and your partner?

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about speaking, with an emphasis on speaking gently.
Often when we get upset or what some refer to as emotionally flooding, the speed, tone, and volume of what we say can dramatically shift.
These changes occur because an alarm goes off in our head and our brain tells us that we must somehow defend ourselves from a perceived attack and so we think if we shift away from a gentle conversation that our partner will listen and get it.
Typically what happens in these moments is that our partner will indeed take notice of this shift in how you are speaking. But within seconds, we often get back the same shift from them or sometimes a shutdown.
When we raise our voice and get short and direct, it sometimes feels good to get concerns “off out chest.” But again longterm, often what we are doing is feeling relief by removing the stress from us, but it now shifts to our partner. Our partner then needs to figure out a way to offload this again either by throwing it back or swallowing it.
Ever heard the expression, “you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.” The same can be true with how we speak to others. Typically we can get more favorable responses when we gently speak to them about what we need.
In our brain, we have a part called the Amygdala. This area is responsible for detecting danger. When danger is detected, our brain sends signals to either go into fight, flight or freeze. When we respond completely emotionally to this alarm system, we then often set off our partner’s alarm system.
I don’t know about you but I would rather not set off my spouse’s brain alarm system would you? Of course we are human and can’t be good with this all the time, but what if we could be better?
Here are some suggestions to speak more gently:
- If you are feeling upset, work to understand where in your body you are detecting this.
- It is overworn to say this, but deep breaths can work to calm the areas in your body that you are feeling the upset.
- Work to keep a more even tone when you talk. When you have significant shifts in volume, tone, and speed you are increasing the likelihood of setting your alarm and your partner’s alarm.
- Look at your partner in the eyes when you speak. Even holding hands can keep the conversation calm.
- When you speak do not go on and on. Allow your partner time to process and to respond.
- Reflect back what you hear by restating in your own words what you heard your partner say.
- Record a disagreement and then play it back later. Pay attention to how you sound. Work to make any changes that might help you to be heard and understood better.
- If talking is difficult maybe emailing or texting might work better. Remember though you will not hear tone or see body language which can sometimes be a good a thing and sometimes not.
- Lastly remember you are talking to another human being who has feelings just like you do. Maybe those feelings are not the same but they are feelings just the same.
- Attend a couples workshop to learn to work on speaking more gently with one another.

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks with Matis Miller about how best to work with children who can sometimes be stubborn, difficult, or even “uncontrollable.” Matis is the founder, director, and supervisor of The Center for Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy of New Jersey, Matis Miller is a licensed clinical social worker.

We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Here is much of what Matis talks about on the show:
Labeling or Diagnosing the Child: Having a diagnosis can make it easier to modify school assignments or adapt your parenting strategies. Additionally, when people have a diagnosis for themselves or their child, it can be very validating; their experiences and challenges suddenly make sense. I thought I was going crazy, but it turns out that this is something that actually has a name!
ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a fairly well-known disorder that is primarily characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior. The symptoms are present before the age of twelve; in some children, they are noticeable from an early age. ADHD can be mild, moderate, or severe.
Symptoms of ADHD include:
Trouble focusing on tasks and paying attention to detail
Difficulty following through and completing tasks
Difficulty organizing activities or keeping track of belongings
Distractibility or forgetfulness
Constant motion or difficulty staying still
Excessive talking and interrupting
Difficulty waiting one’s turn
While most healthy children are impulsive and active, the more extreme characteristics of ADHD significantly impact a child’s functioning.
Parenting an uncontrollable child can be exhausting, frustrating, chaotic, embarrassing, painful, and frightening.
(It’s pretty tough on the kid, too!)
It can also come along with a heaping dose of guilt: What did I do wrong that my child turned out like this?
Even the most experienced, knowledgeable, patient, loving parents can find themselves with an uncontrollable child: a child who is emotionally sensitive, easily dysregulated, overly moody, or highly irritable.
Emotion dysregulation is often misunderstood, especially by outsiders: He just needs firm discipline! All she needs is some love! Why can’t you get your kid to pull himself together? You must be coddling her; you shouldn’t stand for this behavior.
There’s often nothing that the parents could have done to prevent the uncontrollability—most of these children are hard wired to be extra-sensitive, impulsive, or otherwise “uncontrollable.” The good news is that there’s plenty you can do now to get your life (and your child’s life) under control.
As a parent, you have the power to influence your children’s lives and enable them to achieve the healthiest state possible. Childhood is the time to accept your child, build him/her up, protect him/her, defend him/her, and love him/her unconditionally, while simultaneously setting healthy limits, encouraging independence, and teaching him/her personal responsibility. It’s the time to teach him how to deal with emotional struggles on his own, and also the time to teach him/her how to reach out for help.
The “parent training” component of treatment for children with emotion dysregulation is an essential element. Time after time, I’ve seen that it’s far more effective to encourage parents to change than to encourage children to change. That’s because adults generally have a broader worldview than their naturally self-centered children; they’re also typically more motivated, more willing to cooperate, and more capable of self-driven change than children are.

Resources:

The Uncontrollable Child by Matis Miller

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about some quick things you and your family can do to save time. The biggest difficulty that blended families face is feeling that there is not enough time left over in our days and weeks to breathe and even connect with each other. In today’s episode it is all about doing some practical things to create more time and space. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you want more time to relax or to even just quietly connect with your partner and the kids then this episode is for you.
I am going to give you my top 10 hacks to create that time and space. By the way if you don’t know, a “hack” is a term probably coined over the last few years. According to Wikipedia in short it means something like “a trick or shortcut to increase productivity.”
So let’s not waste any more of your time. Here they are:
Ask yourself these two questions with everything that you face: “Is it important?” and “Can I do anything about it?” By asking these questions, you may be able to either eliminate some things or reduce the amount of energy spent on them.
Do much of your food prep for the week in one block of time, say two hours on a Sunday for example. You would be surprised that you will probably gain that time and more back.
If you exercise, wake up earlier and do it then. This is a had one to do, but once you get in the habit you might find it becomes easier.
10 minute pick-up. This involves everyone in the family doing a quick pick up of the clutter around the house and placing back in the proper area. This is something you might do every evening or maybe once every few days.
If you enjoy watching television, record your favorite programs or watch them on demand later. You can often fast forward through commercials saving time.
Brainstorm with your partner ways to save time getting the kids to all the appropriate activities. Of course during our time in COVID this may not make sense.
Take advantage of the new grocery pick-up that many stores offer. This could save you at least an hour every week.
Use something called the Pomodoro Technique. The crux of this idea is to set a timer for 25 minutes to complete each task we must do. We often will complete tasks in however much time we are given. You know what I am talking about. At work if the boss gives us two weeks then by golly we will take that long….stopping and starting etc. If the boss gives us one day, we will move through it without as many stops and starts.
Ask for help. This one is tough for those of us who don’t like to delegate.
Reduce your shower/bath to a few times a week. Unless of course you sweat and get grimy, science says a few times a week should suffice. Of course the armpits and groin area can tend to get smelly so those may be need to be focused on daily.
I hope some of these quick hacks have helped you to think about getting some time back.
Speaking of getting some time back, I am going to take 4-6 weeks off from producing new episodes to focus on some other things around The Remarried Life like the email newsletter and continued development of the relationship building workshop.
Brian’s Lasting Connection Workshop
- I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day.
- The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar.
- The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship.
- The current workshops are held on Friday’s from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates:
  - March 19, 2021
  - April 16, 2021
  - May 21, 2021
- For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support.
  - Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop
  - Click on one of the dates that works best.
  - Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100
  - The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off.
- Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about taking time to work on your relationship with the help of a marriage workshop. Whether your relationship is incredibly strong, needs help in a few areas, or even needs a complete overhaul, then spending one full day working together can reap extreme rewards. Today we will discuss the power of devoting time in a workshop with a trained facilitator that can have positive benefits. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationships especially the ones between us the person we love most in the world can be some of the most wonderful and the most difficult.
There are of course lots of reasons for this. Probably the biggest reason is how intertwined our lives are from the emotional connection, the physical connection, parenting, finances, leisure time activities and on and on.
Another reason it can be the most wonderful is the amount of time you spend together. Even though we might spend a lot of time at work, most likely are still spending more time with our spouse even if some of it is while asleep.
The number of decisions you must try to make while being collaborative can also be an extremely positive thing but when it is not working can also be the most frustrating.
There are all sorts of things you can do to help your relationship get to a better place or to even strengthen beyond where it may already be.
You could read a good relationship book together.
How about a workbook with items to fill out and exercises to complete together.
You can take a relationship quiz. The 5 Love Language quiz is one that comes to mind. This was an idea developed by Gary Chapman in which his theory that we have one or two ways in which we liked to be loved above others.
You can join a small group of other couples especially in church like settings.
You could take a vacation together just the two of you to relax and work on being present with each other since the kids and other distractions are not there.
You can attend couples counseling together. Usually couples counseling involves 1 hour sessions once or twice a week. Depending on the level of severity of the issue, some couples will devote a couple of months to the process. Some may take longer, a year or more especially if there has been a significant betrayal of trust like infidelity.
So all sorts of great things you can do to strengthen your relationship. But might I propose in something that I believe in more strongly that the suggestions listed above for most couples?
It is a Marriage or Relationship Building Workshop which can benefit those that are married or unmarried.
Workshops can run for a few hours, one full day, and in some cases for 2-3 days.
Group workshops are held for several couples at once. Some groups offer smaller more intimate settings with like 10 or few couples. Some group workshops are held for hundreds of couples.
- Pros of a Group Workshop: The biggest pro is that the more couples present the more you may be able to learn from others and also more opportunities to share with other couples. Obviously this depends on how many couples are present and also how much time is devoted for discussion and/or having periods to gather with a few couples at a time.
- The potential negative of a group forum is less time interacting with the facilitator. Also, while most workshops do not pressure couples to speak or publicly disclose, it may still feel less private than working one on one with a facilitator.
Private couples workshops are held for one couple at a time. In this case there is usually just the facilitator and the one couple working together for the entirety of the workshop. The positive and negative can often be the opposite of the group workshop.
- The potential positive is again getting more time with the facilitator where you can ask questions and get more feedback when engaging in exercises with your partner. It can also feel more private and you can feel more at ease to dive into something deeper especially during the exercises.
- The negative might be not having other couples facing similar issues that you can have some time during exercises and or breaks to talk to. With a private group this is not possible.
Live Online or In Person?
- This is another thing to think about when selecting a workshop. Many are offered live and online while many others are offered online.
- Of course in the time while we are all still dealing with the social distancing and masks etc, online workshops might be more appealing.
- Also depending on your hectic schedules finding something online could also work better.
Format of workshops:
- All workshops may be run a bit differently, but usually there are 3-4 very common processes that take place.
- First, there is a time for education where the facilitator may take some time to discuss something like emotional connection, communication, conflict, intimacy, or goals just to name a few.
- Couples exercises where the couple gets to experience in real time some activities or discussions about the learnings they just had on a particular topic.
- Group Discussion often will follow the exercises (or discussion with the facilitator if a private workshop) so that the couples can learn and share with each other
- Assessments (or surveys) are often given to the couples on various topics around relationships. This helps the couples better understand each other and the dynamics that may be present between them.
In my opinion relationship building workshops are in the sweet spot of things you can do and try to increase your relationship satisfaction.
Reading books or completing workbooks on your own sometimes takes discipline to maintain consistency.
On the other end things like couples counseling over a period of months or a week’s vacation can involve a lot of time and great expense.
A relationship building workshop puts the discipline of consistency at least during the workshop on the facilitator’s shoulders. You simply show up and follow the prompting of the facilitator.
Also the time involved to take a relationship building workshop is much shorter and involves taking less time away from family or work.
There is currently research underway that is suggesting that an intensive workshop may have equal or better benefit and just as long last results as months of couples counseling.
Brian’s Lasting Connection Workshop
- I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day.
- The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar.
- The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship.
- The current workshops are held on Friday’s from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates:
  - March 19, 2021
  - April 16, 2021
  - May 21, 2021
- For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support.
  - Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop
  - Click on one of the dates that works best.
  - Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100
  - The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off.
- Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.

Resources:

Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop
The 5 Love Languages
5 Love Languages Quiz
The Love Dare
The Respect Dare

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about parental alienation after divorce. Parental alienation happens when one or both parents either knowingly or unknowingly talk ill about each other to the children. This can cause children to begin to carry a unnecessary burden of negative feelings toward a parent. We will talk about this issue and what to do about it today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When a divorce happens, negative feelings by one or both ex-spouses is very common. It can actually be somewhat more rare that a divorce ends amicable and on good terms.
If it ends on good terms, where you both remain good friends then of course more positive feelings toward each other will be present. Those positive feelings will most likely flow over into discussions about each other to the kids.
But what happens if your marriage ended on a rather bad note. And what if you really don’t have a friendship with your former partner? Sometimes but not always depending on the level of upset and anger toward each other, can lend itself to this idea of parental alienation
What is parental alienation? This term was apparently coined back in 1985 by child psychologist Richard Gardner. He actually called in Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Gardner focused on the behaviors in the children who has been exposed to something like as the signal that this is happening for the child.
Those behaviors include:
- Denigration: The child repeatedly complains about one parent over and over again.
- Frivolous Rationalization: This involves the child giving a weak reason for not wanting to see the targeted parent again.
- Lack of Ambivalence: Ambivalence actually means we are torn mental and emotional about something. We can see good and bad. In parental alienation, the child no longer see both sides but rather all negative.
- Independent Thinker: This happens when the child seems to suggest that everything they think about their parent has come from within and that none came from the other parent.
- Automatic/Reflexive Support: The child always chooses the side of one parent over another no matter what the topic.
- Absence of Guilt: The child will say and do very disrespectful things and have no remorse or feelings of guilt.
- Borrowed Scenarios: This involves the child giving the exact same story that a preferred parent gives and will often even use the same words.
- Spread of Animosity: This involves the child expanding the anger toward other family and friends of the targeted parent.
This sounds like a lot to deal with and of course if you are witnessing any of the signs in your children then it may mean that something like parental alienation is happening.
So what do you do about this? It may take awhile to unravel but it can be done.
Here are some suggestions to decrease parental alienation.
If you are the parent responsible for the parental alienation:
- Awareness of the burden you are placing on your child is the first step.
- Taking responsibility for what you are doing and talking it out with your child (obviously age appropriate) is very important.
- Working to instill more neutral or positive comments about the other parent will be important.
If you are the parent on the receiving end of the alienation:
- First take stock in what you are doing and saying to understand if you still may have some responsibility. Obviously make changes.
- If you truly believe it is a case of alienation, then talking to the other parent is important. Simply explain that for the mental and emotional health of the child that it is important not to pressure the child to take sides.
- If you are unable to talk to the parent or the parent is unwilling to take responsibility, have a discussion with your child. Again age appropriateness is important here. If the child is older and willing, the child can discuss with the other parent that hearing negative is not helpful.
What if you are a step parent and your spouse is the target of parental alienation:
- Support for your spouse but just being there for him/her through this is most important.
- Of course you can also play a key role in making a positive environment for your stepchildren can help.
- Constantly communicating the good that the children are doing is also important. Kids when they become adults will often complain that the one or both parents would never point out the positive in others or themselves.
This is certainly a tough topic and not an easy one to navigate. So be patient as this one may take some time to unwind from.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about keeping it simple in your remarriage and blended family. Utilizing 4 Mantras from Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh can help you be happier in the present moments with those you love the most. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Often we like to meet complexity with complexity in our blended family. Often with so many things going on and swirling we often try to hard to do too much.
But what if we think about the issues in a different way and work to meet complexity with simplicity instead. We often don’t think about doing something like this because we are so emotionally and mentally charged that we let our mind and body run together at an extremely fast clip because we feel like we need to keep up.
Thich Nhat Hanh is rather well known Buddhist Monk who was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey a few years back. In the interview he talked about 4 Mantras that when practiced with the ones you love can bring about happiness to us individually and also to us as a couple and to the family unit.
Let’s Talk about his 4 Mantras:
- Darling, I Am Here For You
- Darling, I Know That You are There, and That Makes Me So Happy
- Beloved One, I know you are suffering. That is Why I am Here For You
- Beloved One, I am Suffering. I Am Trying My Best to Practice. Please Help Me.
While these are words to be spoken, what is most important through all of these is simply your presence. You are not preoccupied with other things, but are truly and genuinely mentally, emotionally, and physically present with your partner.
All too often we want to solve our partner’s problems. It is much too soon for that. All our partner usually wants to know is are we there and do we care?
Sometimes we get frustrated at the same complaint over and over again. This takes practice to be what is called long suffering through what you or your partner are going through.
Again simply be there and acknowledge that you see the issue and the pain and hurt that are present.
If you do these things, most likely you will see your relationships with your partner and family bloom like a flower in the words of Hanh

Resources:

Thich Nhat Hanh 4 Mantras

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer and his wife Heather discuss how the chaotic and complicated blended family life doesn’t always have to be that way. With just some simple small changes you can take your blended family life from what we like to call the “hot mess express” to “organization station.” We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you feel like blended family life is always bringing new and surprising things everyday. Well of course sometimes these changes can bring positivity and good feelings but often the quick changes can bring upset and negativity into the blended family.
Of course there will be things like sickness that come up and if you have a blended family with lots of children you may experience this much more than you would like. Or an extracurricular activity brings seasons where more is expected and you have to take more time away.
Or maybe an ex-spouse that needs to go away on business and is now asking you to take on more time with the kids over the next few weeks. As a result you are left scrambling to try to make things work.
But there is plenty in life that we do have some control over and that is really what we want to talk about today.
Let’s talk about how to take your family from the “Hot Mess Express” to “Organization Station.” And as we talk about these things, we are going to be talking about more than just the physical space in which you live. This can also be where you better organize your lives emotionally and physically.
But before we jump into some of our tips around getting more organized, Heather tell us where in the world did these phrases come from?
Heather describes that they come from her experience as school teacher of elementary age students. She works with them to get move them from cluttered and chaotic to more orderly and systematic processes for how they work.
So with that what are some tips to help blended families with getting more organized.
Shared calendar
10 minute clean up
Couch time
Date night
Family
Spring cleaning – Keep Donate Sell
5 Min Agenda Discussion Morning
Communicate About Expenses
Your Ideas
These are just some very simple things you can implement to help keep your life feeling more organized. Don’t worry about trying to implement all of these. Just take one or two and try them. And also as we mentioned maybe there is something you have been thinking about doing that you would like to do that is not on the list.
Most of all just keep trying. If something does not work, keep trying it for awhile or pivot to something else that might work better.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks with relationship coach Emily Hill about forgiveness. This is a topic that is a difficult one for lots of us to grasp and understand. So happy to her back on the podcast as she talked about relationships and mental health on Episode 161 so feel free to check that one out as well. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In your opinion what is Forgiveness?
What is Forgiveness not? For example does forgiveness mean you trust again?
Can/Should someone forgive before they are ready? Or is it a process?
Why do some people have a more difficult time forgiving?
Talk about Your Experience Working with helping people forgive after divorce or breakup?
Is forgiving oneself just as important?
What else would you like the audience to know about forgiveness?
Talk about your Facebook group and anything else you might like the listener to know about you.

Resources:

Emily Hill’s Facebook Page
Desperate for Peace Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses how being in a blended family with everything that you responsible for can make you feel trapped. This is a very common feeling and a common reality. We will talk today about how to plan to do what you really want to do with the rest of your life. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you are in a rut? If you are listening to this episode close to the time of publishing you surely might be feeling an extra dose of this because of the constraints we are under due to this pandemic.
But on the bright side, what better time it might be than now to assess where you have been, where you are now and where you want to go with your future.
If you would we will go on a journey to talk a bit through my life so that you might see how I got to where I am now which includes being a podcast host, running my own couples therapy practice, and heading up a volunteer marriage mentoring ministry.
If you just met me you might think this journey has been easy but as for all of us it is never easy and we often don’t see the heartache and pain that goes into getting us where we hope to be one day.
As I talk about my journey, I want you after this episode to also think about your past, present and hopeful future as a guide to help you in your journey.
So again how did I get to where I am now, as a podcaster with several thousand downloads every month that helps those that are remarried and in blended families, a successful couples therapist who owns his own practice, and who heads up a marriage mentoring ministry with his wife? Lets go way back to start.
I was born in 1971 as the first and only child. A couple of years later my parents divorced. So I was probably around 2 years old. I don’t really have any memories of my parents being together.
So that being said, my entire childhood that I can remember was spent in split households, with blended family experiences starting in both households sometime maybe a few years after that.
My mother met a man who did not have children and they later would have a daughter together who of course would be my “half-sister.” My mother would later divorce a second time. She met her third husband when I was probably around 17 years of age. Unfortunately she suffered a massive aneurism about a year into their marriage and she passed away 2 years later. They did not have any children together.
Her third husband took custody of my “half-sister” from her second marriage. Are you following this?
On the other side, my father met my stepmother. She had a son who was about 6 years younger than I was. He would of course become my stepbrother. They then had a son together who is about 9 years younger than I am who is of course my half brother.
So are you starting to see where the seeds of this podcast came from and my other present work? Now of course at that I would have never thought that this would be what I was doing. Mainly because I had other thoughts like wanting to be an astronaut when I was a child. And of course there was no such thing as podcasting.
Fast forward to my adult life. I met my first wife when I was 17 years old. So really not my adult life yet. This was honestly as I used to look back a period of deep regret. I met her the summer before going away to college at Purdue University a few hours away from my home in Cincinnati. I was a kid of who had fallen head over heels for someone and I could not concentrate on my studies. So I returned home much to the chagrin and upset of my mother.
My first wife had a child when we met who would become my stepson. We were both 22 when we got married. The marriage lasted 5 years. During that time however, my daughter was born probably 3 years into the marriage.
After the marriage ended, for the next 6 years I dated but I suppose would be considered single. If you have listened to this podcast for any length of time you know that I went through a rather terrible depression for probably 3-4 of those years.
The depression became so bad that I decided a move to another state might be best. I had primary custody of my daughter and we moved from Ohio to Florida. It took even a few years after that for the depression to lift. I would say time and the sunshine of Florida probably didn’t hurt!
So let me ask again as we all look back on what I describe can you see where my life might be headed? Now of course in my work with couples we talk a lot about childhood and for some running away from the types of issues is one way to move forward and running into them is another. Probably for awhile I chose to run away but something changed that helped propel me to run into the direction of helping others.
The thing that happened that slowly started to change things involved meeting my current wife. She did not have any children and because of a cancer she went through when we first met we ultimately did not have any children together. So all that being said my daughter grew up in my home as only child but yet she was in a blended family.
As a side note, my ex-wife got remarried. She and her husband had another child together. So my daughter spent time in that home which was probably the more real blended family type experience.
Okay so back to what started changing for me. So as our marriage progressed it was incredibly strong and connected with one exception. And that involved beliefs on how to raise and discipline my daughter. However, after several years we figured out better ways and compromises that helped.
After those difficulties and obstacles were successfully dealt with, our marriage took off to an even better place.
As a result we approached the church we attended in Florida to start some kind of marriage help. It never really got off the ground but set that stage for what was to come. Again are you seeing where this is headed? As we talk just remember to think about your own life journey for clues to where you should head. And it doesn’t have to be in the direction of the fire. Maybe it is in the opposite direction? Either way is okay!
So fast forward a bit and the insurance company I worked for at the time transferred us to Virginia which is where we are now and have been for the past 12 years.
A marriage mentoring ministry was created and my wife and I were asked to be a part of it. I enjoyed it so much that we decided that I should change careers from insurance to counseling. This was a long and difficult financial journey. It was one I thought about quitting several times. How about you? Have you had something tough you have thought about quitting?
Simultaneously everything came together. The pivotal years were 2017 and 2018. During those years, I created this “The Remarried Life Podcast,” started my own private practice to help couples, and then my wife and I were named leaders of the marriage mentoring program because the prior leaders moved to another city.
So I want you to look across your life for clues about where you might want to go and what you want to do. I still have even more dreams and for the sake of time on this broadcast today will not get into. But I hope you are just as excited about your future as I am mine.
Take care and thanks for listening.

Resources:

Take care and thanks for listening.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how learn more about you and your partners personality using the Enneagram Assessment tool. Learning more about how you and your partner are wired can only serve to help you both navigate how to deal with each other better. We will learn more about this tool on today’s show. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In all couples relationships, there are certain events we might both handle in similar ways and certain other issues we might handle completely different.
There are many reasons for this. This can include how we were raised by our caregivers growing up. It can also result from different experiences we have had in relationships. Or it can sometimes simply come from how we are wired from birth.
In order words personality is often a nature versus nurture debate. Mostly likely though both play a part but of course it can be difficult to determine which might be playing a role at which time.
Today we aren’t going to debate but more just a discussion of personality, similarities and differences. With that we will be look at a rather neat online assessment tool called the Enneagram that both you and your partner can take separately and then have a discussion about your dominant personality type and what it might mean for your relationship.
The Enneagram takes a look at 9 different personality types and they give a number to each one so that they are easier to remember. Here are the 9 and this comes right from the Enneagram Institute (see links in the Resources section below):
Reformer (Type 1) is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic.
Helper (Type 2) is generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive.
Achiever (Type 3) is adaptable, excelling, driven, and image-conscious.
Individualist (Type 4) is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
Investigator (Type 5) is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.
Loyalist (Type 6) is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.
Enthusiast (Type 7) is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered.
Challenger (Type Eight) is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.
Peacemaker (Type Nine) is receptive, reassuring, complacent, and resigned.
The Enneagram goes into much more detail also than just identifying your dominant type. It talks about “wings” meaning the two types that surround your main type as being at times when you might dip into some adjacent areas. On the Enneagram you will see the 9 types drawn around a circle and you can then better see and understand the adjacent types.
The Enneagram is divided into 3 centers. The Instinctive Center, the Feeling Center, and the Thinking Center.
The Enneagram also has 3 basic underlying and often unconscious emotions that can often be present in the personality types and they are as follows:
- Anger: Types 8,9, and 1.
- Shame: Types 2,3, and 4
- Fear: Types 5,6, and 7
Obviously a lot of very helpful information to dive into to again better understand yourself and your partner.
Now with all that being said, since this podcast is all about relationships and families we need to also discuss the interplay of two people and the different types of personalities.
There are definitely assets and liability with every combination, so we shouldn’t look at the Enneagram as some sort of compatibility test but more again just as a tool to better help us understand how we each may react and respond to various issues and events that come up.
My wife and I scored in very similar ways on the test. My main score was a Loyalist (Type 6) followed by Peacemaker (Type 9). My wife’s scores had the same two at the top just flipped, so her top was the Peacemaker (Type 9) followed by the Loyalist (Type 6).
According to the Enneagram Relationship Type page it says that our relationship is one of the most stable and most common type relationships. We both want security (6) and predictability (6) and some autonomy (9).
It also says that these personality types more so than the others look for another person that matches their belief system and one who will mirror these beliefs and reactions.
So take a look at the couples match page on the Enneagram website (link in the resources section) after you both take the Enneagram to determine how your puzzle pieces fit.
Now as with every kind of assessment it will often slot into a certain category and you might often feel like there are certain parts of the results or at least ways that the institute defines you that you may disagree with.
For example in my own relationship the institute says that we each may have a rebellious or counterculture streak that allow them to “live on the fringes of society.” Now I can certainly think of times in which both my spouse and I have been rebellious but I don’t think of either of us as living on the fringe of society.
So overall I would highly recommend that you both take the Enneagram to better understand yourself and each other. It is very inexpensive at the time of this recording for you each to take the assessment.
Once you get your results, I would love to see you post about it in our Facebook group. The link for the group is contained below in the “Thanks for Listening” section.

Resources:

Enneagram Institute
Enneagram Test
Enneagram Couples Combinations

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family. Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family. In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today in part 3 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we the attempts we make at emotionally connecting with each other.
In most couples relationships, there is a dynamic present called Pursuer Withdrawer. The Pursuer is usually the one in the relationship that brings up issues and complaints more often. The Withdrawer is the one that usually defends, deflects, or shuts down amid these complaints.
As you can imagine a very negative cycle of feelings can generate as a result of this dynamic thus reducing this positivity we are trying to work hard to generate in your relationship and your blended family.
So what do we do here. Well lets start with you Pursuers out there.
For Pursuers you should cherish when your Withdrawing partner does make an attempt to do something that you have been asking for. It is certainly easy to focus on the times your partner doesn’t come through for you, but appreciation when something is done positively can have a, well positive effect.
For Withdrawers, you simply need to make more attempts and do a little more of what your Pursuer partner is asking for. Now of course if it is presented in the form of a criticism then of course that can be difficult to overcome. A quick discussion about delivering something in a different way can help.
If you both can do those simple things when it comes to attempts it can certainly help with the positive feelings.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today's Goodies

Today in part 2 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on accepting more influence from our partner.
John Gottman a very well known couples and relationship researcher, discovered that the more influence each person allowed the other to exert in the relationship the happier that relationship usually is.
So what does it mean to allow your partner to have some influence.
Maybe on a Saturday if nothing is planned and your partner has some ideas about what to do, accepting influence means starting with a more positive response and attempting to go more often with what your partner wants.
So if your spouse says they really want to go antique shopping and want you to go along, accepting influence would mean that you would do your best to make this happen.
Gottman says that relationships in which men allow women to exert more influence, are generally happier than those that are the other way around. He says that women typically will allow influence of their male partners almost by nature. But he says men typically are not wired this way.
So I would encourage both of you but maybe the men more often to allow partners to have influence when it comes to decision making both small and large.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today's Goodies

Today in part one of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on living out and making decisions through the lens of our core values.
Often when our internal compass aligns with what happens on the outside whether again it be with our view on the most important things in life or how we make decisions, we can often feel more joy.
So what are core values? Most would say they are fundamental beliefs or guiding principles.
Get in touch with your core values by doing a simple search on the internet for a list of common core values. Then take some time find 3-5 that really speak to you and that help you understand how you would like to live your life.
Next determine if your decision making is aligned with those values. If it is not then think about ways to start doing more of that. Now of course you won’t be able to 100% of the time make decisions that will align, but the more you can do it the better
As a fun exercise between partners, I would encourage you each to find the core value that speaks most to each of you. Then role play a discussion on one of you maintaining your core value while the other has to give up their core value.
Then discuss how the conversation went. You can learn a lot about each other by doing something like that.
Again though getting in touch more with your core values and even your partners core values can help maintain more positivity. You might even want to get the kids involved in the core value discussion.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses how as stepparents that we too can also do things that the stepchildren will remember for a lifetime. These things can generate positive feelings in the future for your stepchildren. Hard to do because it may seem like they don’t like you now, but often that turns around in adulthood. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Often as a stepparent, I hear others say things like “I don’t matter” or “I feel like an outsider” or “The kids don’t listen to me.” No doubt these are real and valid feelings and sometimes actually going on in a family dynamic.
Being a stepparent is often like coming into a well established television show where one actor left for various reasons and another was brought in to actually play the same character. Most often are initial reactions are more negative.
We build an affinity for those we know and trust. But over time those feelings can fade somewhat as we begin to develop new thought and feelings toward our relationship with others.
A silly little example this involved the show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” which starred Will Smith. The show lasted for about 6 years. Vivian Banks was played in the first 3 seasons by Janet Hubert and the last 3 by Daphne Maxwell Reid. Of course when the switch came it upset many viewers me included, but as the change matured an affinity developed for Daphne as the new mom by many.
In the same way, a stepfamily can often develop in the same way. However, we would like to propose that we do a bit more to nudge us in that direction but with a major focus on your stepchild’s future as an adult and the memories that are created as a child.
In my own experience there were a few childhood memories that really stand out that if I am honest probably were pushed more by my stepmother than my father. These really stand out as positive memories now.
The first memory is that Christmas ornaments were bought every year for each child and our names were etched on each. I still have these ornaments today and proudly hang them on the tree.
A second memory involves getting a T-shirt every year for my birthday with a number that represented my age. I remember receiving these around ages 6-13 or so. I still remember the number 7 shirt, was green with a white number.
There is something about things that are done with repetition that can hold some significant deep meaning in our lives. Do something once and the memory often doesn’t hold.
Do something more than once but randomly, often the memory will hold but the meaning and the deep emotional connection won’t happen.
Do something repeatedly with regularity aligned with a certain like say every Friday or every birthday or every morning and then the memory not only holds, but it can create a positive emotion which will cement the significance even further.
So all that being said what are some ideas for some things you can do to help your stepchild look back fondly on a tradition and maybe even implement this same tradition in their lives as adults.
Here are some suggestions:
- Every morning, spend 5 minutes asking your child about their day including what they are excited about and anything they are anxious about.
- Once a week do a game night or a fun food night. Try as best you can to make this a regular thing. If once a week is too much, then maybe once every 2 weeks or once a month.
- A small token like a Christmas ornament with a name inscribed or the T-shirt with age on it as was done in my childhood. Or really any other small material tangible item that a child might be able to have for awhile or even years.
- Read to your child regularly and once they can read to you have them do it.
- Do something for someone in need. Say every Thanksgiving, prepare a meal for a family that might not have what you have. Make sure to involve the kids in the planning and delivery of the meal.
- What ideas do you have?
- What ideas do your stepkids have?
Creating lasting positive memories is way that you can ensure that tough times now will be viewed through a different lens as the stepchildren get older.
A lasting legacy can start with some small changes today in your stepfamily. What will you do?

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses her needs and his needs in this two part series. It is true that often women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected. But what do those two things actually mean. We will talk about this today so that you can start giving more of what your spouse really needs in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is often said that a woman’s biggest need in a relationship is love and a man’s biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.
The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won’t love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won’t show respect.
In today’s episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need.
This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that.
Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”
Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved.
So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” Alone means “that one one else is present.”
It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in? Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries? That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.
Let’s talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!
- Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical.
- Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love. The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear. It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner. It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.
- Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them. But this can sometimes come across as controlling.
- Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family. All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.
- Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting. It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.
- Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren’t seen as perfect then we don’t measure up. But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.
We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add.

Resources:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Today's Goodies

It is often said that a woman’s biggest need in a relationship is love and a man’s biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.
The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won’t love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won’t show respect.
In today’s episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need.
This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that.
Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”
Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved.
So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” Alone means “that one one else is present.”
It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in? Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries? That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.
Let’s talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!
- Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical.
- Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love. The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear. It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner. It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.
- Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them. But this can sometimes come across as controlling.
- Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family. All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.
- Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting. It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.
- Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren’t seen as perfect then we don’t measure up. But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.
We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add.

Resources:

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses how hurt, hate and wounds can create division in a family and in a society. We will talk about this and also some things we can do as individuals to help heal past relationships, current family situations, and maybe help society as a whole in the process. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

With divorce and blending a new family, there often times comes a lot of hurt, pain and upset over situations progressing in a way that is counter to what we had hoped it could or can be.
All sorts of emotions like sadness, fear, anger, shock just to name a few can often overwhelm us and cause us to make decisions and do things that often worsen the situation.
As I have mentioned I dealt with a lot of fear over the unknown when going through my divorce and that translated to a lot of anger unfortunately. Often my words deepened the pain that we were all going through.
So wounds were obviously created by actions we both took but I will take responsibility to say that I know that I played a large role in probably widening the wounds.
The good thing though about wounds is that they can heal. If we think about the body, immediately after surgery the mechanisms of the body will begin to heal itself. Things like swelling we often think as bad, is actually a good thing because it is a sign that the body is working to heal what has just happened to it.
In the same way we can often do things like hide or close off to protect ourselves from the pain of emotional hurt. Just like swelling in the body, this is probably good for a time. However, if it lingers for longer than necessary then it becomes an issue.
When pain and hurt linger for a long time (and what that time is we don’t really know), it is time to start to deal with it to move forward.
Obviously when pain and hurt involve two people it is so much the better that they come together to work on healing together. Unfortunately, in our society we are not seeing much of that right now. Actions being taken in so many areas never seem to be taken responsibility for to mend fences.
We will talk about some simple things you can do today to help mend something between you and maybe your ex-spouse, your current spouse, or maybe a child that has caused an emotional separation.
How about simply say you are sorry for even a small part of the issue. This is tough for some people especially those that grew never having it modeled. Or sometimes it is difficult because some people feel even worse about themselves when they say this and so they will avoid it.
Listen to the pain you may have caused.
Have a LOVE conversation. I am not sure who coined this phrase, but each letter represents something important. Listen with an Open Heart, Validate at least some of the other person’s experience, and Empathize with how they are feeling.
Work on any anger, resentment and bitterness that has developed within yourself. If you are a Christian, then pray for it to be released by God. If you practice some other form of religion where you believe in something outside of yourself then certainly pray for it to be released.
Ask for Forgiveness. This simply means you are asking for the other person to stop holding the issue against you with negative thoughts of their own. Now a caveat here, is you may hear back that you are not forgiven and if that happens this is now their burden to bear.
Healing does take time, but it is possible. But in order to do that we must stop doing what we have always done.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and whether or not you feel supported in those goals. Sometimes goals don’t align very well but if we can be respectful of each other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more better. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Everyone has goals in life and even if you say you don’t, you actually really do. If you say you want things to just remain as they are then that of course is actually a goal!
So what is a goal? Well the dictionary defines a goal as “the end toward which effort is directed.” Sometimes we are consciously attempting to move toward something and sometimes we are directing effort with an end goal in mind.
I remember when I ran my one and only marathon a few years ago. The goal was to run the marathon in under 4 hours. Most people said that really if it is your first marathon to simply focus on finishing and to not worry about the time. Well according to the app tracker I had on my smart phone, I beat 4 hours by 30 seconds! However, when the official time later came out it had me posted at 4 hours and 14 seconds. I was so close!
Even though I did not meet that goal, it was so much fun and kept me on track to continue to do the training runs so that I could meet that goal of being under 4 hours.
Another goal I set during my first marriage was to be married for the rest of my life and to not get divorced. I remember silently speaking this wish over my daughter. I grew up in a divorced home and so did not want this for my daughter.
However, when it came to achieving this goal as I look back both my ex-wife and I were probably not pushing effort in this direction. There were probably times where we paddling in a different direction and then other times where we certainly not paddling at all.
So that being said in that marriage, our goals were really not aligned properly. Looking back now that I have had 20+ years to think about it, I am actually at a place where I am happy that we got divorced. But this was not so for probably 5 years after it happened.
Do you and you partner have goals that align? Here are some questions you can ask yourself and each other to determine just where you are with supporting each other’s goals.
Do you know what you personal goals are?
Does your partner even know what you personal goals are away from your relationship?
Does your partner honor your personal goals? This doesn’t necessarily mean they agree but is he/she open to hearing them and attempting to support as best they can.
Does your partner value your current accomplishments? This can be a key to knowing if future aspirations are?
If you were to look out ahead into your old age, would you be able to say that your paths in life were on a similar path?
What about important beliefs be it money, spirituality, parenting, we time versus me time? Where do you align on these?
Are you currently coming toward each other on important issues, running parallel or even drifting further apart?
After having asked and answered questions like this about yourself, where do you stand? Does the picture look pretty good or does it need some work?
Lets talk about some things you can do to help you better talk about goals.
Postpone your disagreement about a goal until you fully hear what is being said. Be curious and continue to draw out in your partner what is important and why it might be important? If you must, before having this conversation, you might want to even verbalize that it is possible you might disagree, but you are holding off on that.
When hearing a goal, keep the mindset of being to open to helping see how this can be achieved. In other words come at this from a positive perspective to start. Sometimes when we immediately shoot our partner’s idea down, a slippery slope of less sharing and even sharing with others might start. I once worked with a couple where the female said that she could not share everything with her husband and that is what other friends and a therapist was for.
Have a core values discussion? Determining what core values are important to each other like for example independence, freedom, security, stability or any of a number of other values might help each of you know what is important.
What things does your goal have in common with my goals?
What things about your goal might go against a goal of mine?
What would the impact on your relationship be if a goal were met? Would it be positive to one or both of us, would it be positive toward the relationship?
Obviously kind, caring, gentle, respectful communication is the key.
Just remember that you aren’t giving a green light to a goal by simply being curious and attempting to understand, but by delaying your response you are giving an opportunity for a relationship to grow.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about times have changed where the politics of the day have become much about how much hate and venom we can spew at one another. The political mismatch and the passion that flows from it can also be present in our homes. Are you and your spouse politically mismatched? Let’s talk about this today and some ways to handle keeping the powder keg from exploding. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Elections happen all the time and what better time can we talk about politics and the effect on your relationship with your spouse than now.
Many couples are politically on the same side of the aisle, but many more than we often think are on opposite sides of many of the issues. Where do you and your spouse stand? Same side on many issues, same side and some but not all issues, or on completely different sides.
Not sure where I heard this, but up to 40% of all couples are apparently politically mismatched. That is a lot! Are you one of those couples?
Maybe you are a couple that completely agrees on most issues, maybe you disagree on some or maybe you disagree on most.
If you disagree on most you are definitely not alone. If you do disagree on most, are you a couple that gets along through the disagreements or not?
If you don’t get along through, you might wonder who that is possible. Well probably the most famous politically divided couple are James Carville and Mary Matalin. But again how do they do it. Carville once said that loving his wife is more important than politics. Not sure exactly how that plays in their relationship but have to assume they keep the arguing in check.
So how does it work for the two of you? Do you get heated when it comes to politics? Are you both so passionate that you just want to be heard but aren’t? What do you do about it?
We have some thoughts about that today. If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time you know that we focus on the process and not so much the outcome and today is no different.
Ask if Your Partner is open to hearing something you are passionate about first
Speak to Share and not to Persuade
Listen to Understand and Not Respond
Watch Your Tone and Body Language
Try as best you can to understand that there could be another way, but at the end of the day that does mean that you have to change your position
Ask each other when these opinions developed. Was it childhood? Was it because of a specific life event that shaped your belief?
Be careful not to interrupt which is of course not modeled politically
Also be careful not to shut down
Don’t go on and on and on, otherwise you could be inviting an interruption or a shutdown.
Ultimately it isn’t about solving these disagreements, but more just being careful with how you approach and talk about these heated topics with your spouse.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this all too common issue in the life of divorced and blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

No doubt we all want what’s best for our kids. And we work to make that happen in our own homes. Whether it be to set appropriate bedtimes, fix nutritious meals, keep set homework versus times to have fun and play, chores for the kids to do, and a lot of other things.
Your home might run like a well oiled machine and that’s great. But like most maybe it runs pretty well but has its snags. But ultimately, you believe you provide the best environment possible for your kids.
But what do you do when you truly believe your ex-spouse does not run their household in the healthiest manner possible for your kids.
No doubt for most of us, this issue has come up either with very small things or could be that you are just completely at odds over the entire way in which your spouse runs their home. So what do you do?
Let’s talk today about some things to keep in mind when it comes to this difference of opinion on how the homes are managed.
Are you disagreeing because of any unresolved anger over the relationship?
Notice your triggers. Are the issues over something especially triggering for you? For example, let’s say growing up as a child you were overweight because of the types of food that were served in your home? If you start to notice a similar pattern in your ex-spouse house, this could cause an inflated response.
Is anything illegal going on? Is there a situation where substance abuse or neglect because your ex-spouse is going out and leaving young children at home alone.
In our new COVID world is there a difference in how the kids see others.
Is it a few issues or a lot? Are we talking just a minor issue with bedtime or again is it everything that is at odds with how you might handle.
What Should You Do?
First dig within yourself to understand if there are truly issues or if your anger is getting the best of you.
Have a gentle conversation with your ex-spouse. Point out these are differences and you wonder if the two of you might be able to come to consistency with the kids.
As you are having these conversations, ultimately explain to your spouse that realize you both run things differently and understand if compromise cannot happen.
Could you actually change the way you do something? Maybe you are the more rigid or loose with rules and maybe you could switch?
Talk to the kids about the impact of the differences? Hopefully approaching it from the standpoint where everyone has a say can be helpful.
Finally and actually this should be the first thing, but if something illegal is happening, then the police and the law should of course be brought in.
Obviously a tough subject and there may not be a completely best or right answer, but hope that some of these things we have talked about can help you to navigate this sensitive topic.

Resources:

None Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how mental health can affect you, your partner, and your family. We dive a bit deep into the struggles that relationship coach Emily Hill had in this area. Most importantly we will talk about how to cope and actually work through dark times. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationship Coach Emily Hill lives in Clarksville TN and has always had a huge interest in families and having a great marriage. Her most recent project was publicly writing or videoing about her marriage for 150 days straight, which was definitely an eye-opener! She says she is so grateful for her family, and that she loves the many things her husband does for her and her kids. She’s realized that marriage is easier and easier, and a lot more fun, the more she learns to take personal responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Today we will talk about the following topics:
- Emily tells us a bit about herself and background.
- Emily talks about her mental health struggles.
- What issue did having PPD, Bipolar, PTSD, and ADHD cause for you individually, your partner, your kids?
- What did you do individually to cope with these while having to keep up with marriage, kids, and everything else?
- What did you husband do that was particularly supportive?
- What things did you do that did not work?
- What things did you husband do that were not helpful?
- Advice for those listening that are struggling with mental health issues.
- Advice for partners of those struggling with mental health issues.
- Where best can people reach you and/or is there something you want to people to know about?

Resources:

Emily Hill’s Facebook Page
Desperate for Peace Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn’t produce the result we want in our blended family. So let’s take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week. Let’s call it an experiment. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When we are remarried and in blended families everything doesn’t go right all the time and in fact sometimes it’s the same things that don’t go well over and over again that are the most troublesome.
But we get into a rut or we just remain unaware that our actions aren’t producing anything different. We all do this and yes of course I do this too.
For example maybe getting angry over and over again at the kids for not knowing how to do something happens all the time.
Or maybe in a fight or argument with your spouse, you tend to keep pushing because your spouse shuts down and won’t talk.
Or how about you clam up around your spouse’s family because they upset you. Then when you are alone you get upset at your spouse for not sticking up for you.
These three situations I just described are situations that possibly keep occurring over and over again. The results can tend to be the same. Hurt feelings, disconnection and a further drift away from the family you want and hope for.
So what do we do? Well let’s take a look at a couple of people who thought that doing different might work better.
- Albert Einstein is often credited with coining the phrase, “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”
- Remember the television show Seinfeld? Remember the episode where George decided to do the opposite? George could never seem to get the girl by inflating his situation to be better than it seemed. For example, he would talk about how much money he made, what kind of wonderful job he had, or the beautiful apartment he had only to have women shrug him off. However, when he was honest and told them he was jobless and living in his parent’s basement, then women started to take notice.
- A couples researcher named Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy did the opposite of what many of the people who came before or even her peers did. She focused on emotional connection rather than behaviors that one must perform. Most laughed at her, but now her theory to help couples has been proven in research to work the best.
These are really just a few examples of people that said things differently or acted differently to achieve some different results.
I would like for one week to take a look at everything we are doing in our remarriage and blended family. Assess those things that you do over and over again that don’t work too well. And let’s think about doing the opposite.
Now let’s only take 3 things at the very most. We can’t change everything over night and if we tried we would all fail. So I want you to concentrate on only a few things.
Step 1: Get out a piece of paper and write down every area that you can think of that is not going how you would like it in your blended family.
Step 2: Assess the urgent areas and the areas that you think you can change rather quickly and easily.
Step 3: Work to hone the list down to 3 areas that you would like to focus on.
Step 4: Think about the role you play or the actions you perform in this situation that might have an impact on what result happens.
Step 5: Brainstorm some actions that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do.
Step 6: Pick one of those different actions to try for the week.
Step 7: Assess your progress in the middle of the week. Are you noticing a difference in how you are feeling? How your spouse or kids are feeling? Are the results any different?
Step 8: Keep doing the same action and don’t give up just yet and maybe don’t worry about tweaking. Sometimes we try something for a brief period and think it doesn’t work so we give up. Don’t do this!
Step 9: Assess at the end of one week. How is it now? I would even resist the temptation to change at the end of one week and to keep doing it differently if you can.
Step 10: At some point reveal to your spouse or kids that you were trying something different and ask them if they noticed? Hopefully they did notice and if not don’t give up to continue to do something different.
I hope this episode gives you some practical tips to help to change the air or dynamic in your remarried life for the better.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don’t love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

When you first meet someone that you are physically attracted to, conversation goes well, and you find many things in common, all sorts of feel good hormones start to activate.
Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins have long been studied and been found to be released that promote feelings of pleasure and happiness. It also affects bodily processes like heart rate and digestion.
I am pretty sure this is what was going during the initial stages of my relationship with my wife when we kissed. We were at the park and I kind of got lost in a kiss and forgot that we were around others. My wife who was my girlfriend at the time, stopped us at some point and said you know we had better stop because there are kids around.
Honestly just before that moment again I became so unaware of my surroundings. It was as if those feel good hormones were racing around so much that it dulled any sense of anxiety or worry about what was going on around me.
Obviously as I sort of snapped back to reality, I realized what was going on around me and resisted.
This was certainly a time no doubt that you could say that I was deep in love with my wife. Now it could be argued that this maybe was also a period of lust as well. Because truth be told, those kisses and touches in the early stages are usually about feeling like we are first getting our wants met and then secondarily meeting the wants of our partner.
Now something certainly does change over time and we begin to not feel the feel good hormones racing around like we once did. Why do these feel good hormones slow or even stop? This is complicated and there are many reasons:
- Issues such as menopause. There is some research that says that both men and women go through something like this. Of course for women, it is well documented.
- Pregnancy can cause fluctuations in hormones and change what feels good. It is the body’s way of sending resources to other places.
- Alcohol or substance use and abuse can certainly cause wide fluctuations. Sometimes they can increase but most often settle back or often dim down completely. This is of course why it can take more and more of the alcohol or substance to get to the desired effect.
- Age in general can cause the systems to change.
- Significantly distressing negative events in our life. If we have had some negative events like a divorce, or loss of job, bankruptcy etc can rob us of a general happiness.
- Things like Anxiety and Depression can again dim or happiness. Sometimes those with depression often describe seeing the world through darkly tinted glasses that they cannot take off.
- The love of our spouse has moved from that sort of lustful limerence into a deeper more committed type love. This type of love helps us stay connected for the long haul, but often we confuse this with falling out of love.
So what if after talking through all of this, you still believe that you truly have fallen out of love with your spouse? It is certainly possible because really does anyone truly and completely understand love and what it is?
Just like the brain, just like microscopic creatures in the depths of the oceans, just like distant black holes in the outer reaches of the galaxy, no one really fully understands what love really is.
So all this being said here are some things I want you to do if you are unclear about whether falling out of love is truly happening or is it something else.
- Go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues that could be affecting your mood. Could it be some issue with your thyroid, could it be headaches causing you to feel unusually blue. Is it depression or anxiety?
- Talk to your spouse. Many cringe at this idea for fear that once “I let the cat out of the bag”, will my spouse have a different view of me thus changing our relationship forever? Most of the time this does not happen and it creates a greater intimacy but in the short term it can certainly be a bit bumpy. On rare occasions, yes it may cause some more permanent upset. Just weigh out where you in the process of understanding your feelings.
- You and your partner should be patient and do not make any rash decisions. Remember, it probably took awhile for you to feel this way and it will probably take awhile to sort out exactly what is going on.
If you or your spouse are in this place, please work to hopefully give each other lots of grace. It’s not easy being human and we will often in our lifetime have ebbs and flows to our feelings.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don’t want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change. Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do? We will talk about this important subject for blended families today. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Are you unhappy in your marriage? I am not sure what the reason for that is and there are certainly many. It could be that you are tired of not being considered a priority. Maybe on the other end you feel like you can never live up to what your spouse needs? It is possibly the constant arguments that escalate over silly things? The stepkids won’t listen and you aren’t on the same page parenting with your spouse.
It is clear to all of us that being in a blended family is not easy and the reasons for that are varied and complex.
However, when it comes to a tipping point and you start to think about leaving this is when it gets serious and we need to look at what are the reasons you have not left.
Whenever I ask one partner in a relationship what keeps them in the relationship, my hope is that I hear things like “in spite of the differences and chaos, I still love my spouse.” Again that is what I hope to hear.
All too often, the response I hear is “I am only staying for the kids.” I both love and hate this reason and this response. I love it because it means you aren’t darting immediate out the door to great regret. But ultimately I don’t like this response, because in my opinion if this is truly the only reason then you need to seriously look at what is going on for you.
Let’s talk about some of things to explore and think about if this is the place you find yourself in.
- Do you say you are only staying for the kids when you are angry or is it truly in times when you are calm? If you say it in anger, then you must let that emotion subside in order to really think clearly about why it is you stay?
- So in addition to looking at the reasons as to why you stay, let’s look at the reasons for not leaving? Is there fear? I often hear of these fears:
- - Fear of financial burden in being single with all these kids?
  - Fear of how your current spouse will treat you?
  - What would everyone else think about me?
  - Doesn’t society say there are too many broken families and you need to do what you can to keep the family intact?
  - Doesn’t the Bible only give a couple of reasons like infidelity, abuse, or abandonment as reasons for leaving your spouse?
  - Fear of feeling like another failure again because this has happened before.
  - Adding another divorce is going to make the kids situation of coming and going even more complicated.
  - Maybe you have developed a solid loving relationship with the stepkids and you don’t want to upset them.
Obviously so many reasons if we dig under the surface as to why you might be staying and these are all based on fear. Fear of the unknown is certainly real, and you ultimately have to make the best decision for yourself. But let’s talk about the kids for a moment.
Again if we circle back to staying for the kids sake. We have to take a deep look and say okay is it better to have the kids be in a home with two parental figures that are unhappy with each other. Yes, on the surface there is a sort of logistical stability. But the other piece we need to look at is emotional stability.
Kids even young ones are probably smarter and see more than we give them credit for. They tend to know when things are not right. You don’t want them in a therapist office dealing with some depression or anxiety because they were in a dysfunctional family system.
So what are some things you should do before you get to the decision of whether to stay or go?
- First and foremost hopefully you can have an honest and calm discussion with your spouse about where you stand in the relationship.
- Talk about the things that are not working in your relationship. Is there are possibility you each could pour in 3-6 months of work to improve them before making the decision on the future?
- Do some inner work to understand if people pleasing is at the core of your inability to make a decision. Again, what does God think, what does society think, what would my close circle of people think? You must make the best decision for you.
- Talk to people in your life on both sides of the issues. Those that have made it work and those that have move on despite their fears to get a balanced look at what to do.
- Look for a therapist that does something called Divorce Discernment counseling which is a very specialized short term counseling to help each of you come to a better decision about the right thing to do.
- As always make sure when it comes time to talk to the kids, that you explain that the issues are not their fault and that the two of you love them very much and will make the best lives you can for them again if you decide to part.
This is not an easy decision for sure and ultimately you will have to wrestle with this yourself, but just now that kids are resilient and will make their best way forward if you remain a consistent loving and encouraging presence in their lives no matter what happens.
Tough time and tough subject. Go get an ice cream of sweet coffee and please have a great rest of your day 😊.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. As with everything in the blended family universe this is not simple. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

As we know, marriages often times end with lots of anger and sadness that may dissolve into bitterness and resentment until hopeful those fade into some more neutral or even something more positive.
For some people it never gets there and we all know of stories of people who are angered and bitter for years and even decades over a divorce.
However, there are some of us who from the start have an amicable divorce and much more friendly feelings toward each other after the divorce.
And for others it may start out as anger, but may eventually go into a more friendly feeling down the road.
But what if it goes beyond just positive feelings into a friendship in which each of you actively desire to stay in each other’s lives by doing things together.
As you can imagine while this can be such a great thing it is also fraught with complications as you might suspect.
Now what exactly is a friend? Well the dictionary defines it as “a person whom one knows and with whom one had a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
Now for me I take friends one step further in that it goes beyond feelings. In that friends usually do things together. So this means activities potentially away from or maybe even including your current family dynamic.
Now of course there is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex-spouse where you remain in each other’s lives beyond simply discussing finances or exchanging the kids.
There are some things to consider and that is what we will discuss now:
- Are you maintaining a friendship from a place of guilt? Did you do something to cause the demise of the relationship and have trouble letting your partner completely hit bottom?
- Are you maintaining a friendship in hopes that maybe something will reignite between the two of you?
- Do you have an ulterior motive like you want to stay friends, because you think there is a better chance of getting child support or buy-in about other decisions?
- If you and and your ex-spouse are not dating others, what might happen if you do start dating? Would you end the friendship or discuss with your new partner to help in the decision?
- If you are dating someone else have you discussed the friendship you still have with your ex-spouse?
- If you are planning to remarry, have you discussed this and how it will work moving forward. What does you future spouse think about this?
- Let’s say you are currently remarried and the anger subsides toward your spouse and you both talk about a possible friendship. What does your current spouse think about this?
- Have you talked to the kids especially if they are older? The younger they are as you know the harder it may be to completely understand and give feedback. So it is possible younger children may be confused especially if you are still doing things together as a family unit. This is not wrong for them to be exposed, but just something to think about.
- If everyone is on board with this friendship, what are the boundaries? Can you both do things alone? Do the current partners/and or kids need to be involved?
- Really think about how a friendship that has already started will affect everyone involved.
As you can tell, a lot of this is about communication. Communicate, communicate, communicate! And slow down to really take everyone’s feelings and thoughts on the matter into consideration.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality. We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way. Not giving validity to our partner’s experience can often cause issues. Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse over an event that happened, each stating your case only to be unheard because your partner had another story about what happened?
No doubt this is extremely common and happens in every relationship to some degree or another.
This can happen with very mild events for example over the way you saw another couple interacting with each other. One of you might say you saw the couple arguing and the other might say you saw simple dialogue that lacked conflict.
Maybe you see at a dinner party, someone give a strange glance. One of you might point out the odd glance, where your partner might say they were also watching and saw nothing.
These differences are going happen and are usually not the source of difficulty but it can become such when one or both of you become very rigid that yours in the only way to see something.
There is also something at play called The Rashomon effect. This is described as the unreliability of eyewitness accounts to something that has been seen. It is often talked about in conjunction with people describing a crime that they witness especially when it comes to details about the perpetrator or the details of what happened.
Stories of one person describing the criminal as short, bearded and wearing a red jacket versus someone tall, clean shaven and wearing a black shirt with no jacket are very common.
Ever heard of the parable of “Blind Men and the Elephant”? Each blind man touches a single part of the large elephant and the describes what they think the elephant is like. One man who is touch the fuzzy end of the tail describes it as a mouse, the man touching the ear describes that elephant like a fan, the man touching a leg says the elephant is like a tree trunk, the man touching the tusk might say it is like a snake.
So then the question becomes, who is right? Well in some ways they are all right and yet all wrong. They are right in connecting their very limited touch of an elephant to something that makes complete sense, but in other aspects they are completely wrong because the small piece that they touched is not the totality of what an elephant is.
This dynamic is certainly at play in our most beloved relationship and that is the dating or married relationship. The longer we are together the more often we are going to run into the scenarios. So why do these differences occur?
- Our past including what we went through as a child
- Our personality which is how we have been wired at birth
- The state of our current relationships which is more about just our present experiences or those things that are top of mind.
So what do we do with these differences? Here are some suggestions:
- Maybe the most important thing is to DO NOTHING. Let me explain. What I mean here is to simply let these differences exist and not work so hard to have to change them. There are some exceptions to this doing nothing which I will explain in a moment.
- Be open minded to another way. You don’t know everything. The only one who does is God.
- Slow down and investigate the other side that you are being presented. We often don’t do a very good job in slowing down to hear what another side because we are too busy thinking about how we might respond to someone else.
- Watch the harshness of tone or edge in your voice when talking about an issue. It is often unseen but changes in your physiology can become like a magnet for drawing your partner into escalating by matching your intensity.
Now let’s talk about some exceptions and things to do:
- Do you feel like you are being emotionally abused through things like pathological lying or narcissism? If you are then you should not have to continue to simply accept the other person’s point of view if they are saying you are crazy or out of your mind?
- If this is the case, then you should really take stock of your relationship and decide on some boundaries such as “I won’t accept that behavior any longer and if it continues it may mean our relationship will end.” Obviously complicated and not easy.
I hope this has been helpful in understanding some different perspectives and how to be more accepting of those.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children. This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs about the best way to handle these issues. We will talk today about this issue and give some practical help in this area. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The current pandemic we are faced with has not been easy for any of us. Most of us are very used to having a lot of control in our lives and this time has certainly shown us all that not having complete control is something that has become a new normal.
However, for us in blended families having to navigate the coparenting differences that we all face should in some ways have prepared us for this lack of control, because we have faced this before.
For example, differences in bedtimes, eating habits, or differences in structure regarding homework time, play time, and chore time are probably issues you have had to face with your ex-spouse.
While these areas have probably not been easy to handle, you may have some sense for how best to approach knowing your ex-spouse and their current feelings and also just their general personality.
Hopefully through the differences you have not had to resort to legal action due to a difference in opinion on what you believe is a rather significant issue.
It is certainly true that our culture appears to completely be mirroring what often goes on in families especially those that are blended and have to work together with ex-spouses.
Maybe you have lightly suggested problems in these areas to your ex-spouse, maybe you have demanded changes, or maybe you have avoided these issues altogether.
Now to be fair, this COVID-19 pandemic to most of us is extremely serious and often beliefs about life or death often come into play when it comes to thoughts about this virus. So it is no wonder that there are extremely passionate opinions about how best to handle this issue on many sides of the issue.
Now all this being said, I prefer to take an approach that would not be unlike any other approach with any other issue that you and your ex-spouse face. However, knowing that at the end of the day more might be needed depending on your stance.
Let’s talk now about some things to consider when it comes to disagreements about the pandemic.
- First, where are each of you at in general regarding the end of your previous relationship with each other? Is there any anger, bitterness, or resentment present for either of you? If it is in you then you might want to work to not make decisions with this fueling your choices. If you believe this is present in your ex-spouse you might want to calmly point this out and ask to work to make logical choices.
- Understand each of your personalities. When you were together, was one of you more preferred to stay at home and the other preferred to get out? Is one of you more introverted or extroverted? These differences will most likely play a role in how you feel about being outside the home.
- Assess those in either of your families who might be more prone to illness such as the elderly and those with immune compromised systems. So for example maybe you are the person who is more free in your attitude about where you go and what you do with your kids. But it is important to take into consideration that maybe an older ill parent lives with your ex-spouse. In a case like this you might want to exercise more care in what you do and where you go.
- Communicate with your ex-spouse. Hopefully you are able to communicate with each other while keeping the hot running emotions in check to some degree. Usually when this happens there is more likelihood of a compromise or desire to work together.
- Be willing to humble yourself and admit when your attitudes and opinions can sometimes be extreme no matter which side of the virus and/or mask debate you are on.
- Communicate that you really do want to create a win-win for both families. If there were ever a time in the history of our planet that we need cooperation and a feeling of being united with each other it is certainly now. This cooperation all starts with the family unit.
- Make sure to keep the kids opinions in mind and ask them often what they are thinking and feeling about this issue especially as they go back and forth to each home. Obviously at the end of the day, you as parents should have the final say but you want to keep dialogue with them open.
- As a final resort if you really feel strongly that appropriate precautions are not being taken or conversely you feel your freedoms to parent how you desire are not being heeded, then certainly consult an attorney if you feel there is no other recourse.
Use this time as a teaching moment to show your kids that in spite of what we are dealing with in the world, that there can be work to agreement or compromise with how to handle this pandemic when it comes to the kids.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity. This is a very cloudy topic that many people don’t have a good handle on. With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen. With emotional infidelity it is often a matter of the heart which can often be hidden. Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

What is “emotional infidelity” or “emotional cheating?” Well the dictionary really doesn’t define this and so a lot of what it is can be extremely subjective.
Sexual or Physical infidelity can be much more clear and easily identified because it involves touch as small as just brushing up against someone to rubbing, hand holding, hugging, kissing, and then on up to sexual acts. Pretty clear right? Yes
For the most part it is hard to argue against physical infidelity although I have seen it be done when a couple argues over hugs that are given to others for example.
With emotional infidelity there are some parts that are relatively clear but others that are not. The parts that are not clear usually reside in the mind and heart of the one carrying on a relationship with someone other than their significant other like a spouse.
So let’s first take a bit of stab at the definition of emotional infidelity. In my opinion, emotional infidelity occurs when one person feels a romantic attraction to another that is cultivated through continued thinking about this other person in a romantic or sexual way. It also can include spending time with this person while engaged in conversations that can fuel this romantic feeling all while the current significant other is being and/or feeling neglected.
So as you can see this is a very complicated definition because again it is taking into account the actions and thoughts of the person engaged in an outside relationship, but it can also include the other partner’s thoughts and beliefs about it as well.
So let’s take a look at those three components a bit more in detail.
Let’s first talk about some actions that might be construed as emotional infidelity to someone looking on the outside. Now remember I said the word “might” and so we will later discuss what needs to happen with sometimes unclear actions.
- Going on lunch, dinner, or coffee meetings where a bulk of the conversation involves things other than a business or project type work.
- Texting or talking on the phone again when the majority of the time is spent on other topics outside a specific reason that it has brought you together like a business deal or some sort of project.
- Discussing intimate details of your current relationships especially when you spend more time talking about what you don’t like or are unhappy with in your current partner.
Ways of thinking and feeling that can signs of emotional infidelity. Now unfortunately, this is area that can be very gray and where most couples may argue. As mentioned, this can be a bit easier to hide or deny.
- Thinking about someone else in a romantic and sexual way especially with little desire to stop and also fantasizing about the future with this person. The future doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you want end your current relationship for it to be considered infidelity.
- In addition to the thoughts being directed at someone else, you might find that your thoughts are dimming toward your current spouse. Like you might not be as open to hugs and kisses or other moments of closeness with your spouse because of these thoughts and feelings that are directed elsewhere.
It is also important to take into consideration of the spouse on the other end who might be subject to the potential emotional infidelity of their partner. So with that here are some things you both can do before emotional infidelity becomes a problem.
- Allow discussion to be had when you are hurt by something that was done or said in your relationship. When either of you brings a hurt, you should respond to in a non-defensive or non-dismissing way. When you respond defensively or dismissively, you may invite your partner to close off and find someone else who agrees.
- You should each define your boundaries for what you will and will not be comfortable with. So maybe you might be uncomfortable with any kind of coffee, lunch or dinner just between your partner and someone else. For some maybe it is just the dinner. Whatever it is clearly communicate your needs.
- Take some time to consider your partners feelings. When I say this I am thinking more about the partner who is considered entertaining time with someone else in that you should consider your partners feelings and give heavy weight to those feelings.
- If you cannot come to agreement on boundaries, then you must decide if these are deal breakers. Or can you live with them and not have resentment and bitterness.
Emotional infidelity for lots of people is just as or even more hurtful than physical or sexual infidelity. Hopefully it does not happen, but if it does it is my hope that the two of you can discuss it and restore your emotional connection with each other that has been surely broken.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself. In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration. This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh. That being said, I am going to practice what I preach and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed! We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you need a break? Do you need some time for yourself? In blended families, that time seems pretty much non-existent. But in order for you to run the full marathon sometimes you need these breaks. In today’s episode we will talk about this and more.
And to begin, I wanted to let you know that the podcast will be taking a short 3 week break, so that I can do what I am asking you to do and that is to take better care of myself.
Have you ever been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will descend and that you are encouraged to put your own mask on first. This might seem cruel that you are putting yourself first but the ultimate goal is to keep yourself alive so that you can help others.
The same goes for your blended family experience. If you are not taking care of yourself then eventually you will be no good for anyone.
I often think about running a marathon when I compare it to the life of a blended family. I ran my first and only marathon to this point about 4 years ago. The training for the marathon was an interesting parallel to how I think life should be run.
First, you start off slow with some short runs. This might be compared to the initial period in a blended family where you might not be fully and completely engaged in all areas because you are busy getting your bearings.
The runs then get longer the more comfortable you are and the same with your blended family. You will begin to put yourself into situations around things like helping the stepkids with homework or discipline of them.
Then throughout the training there is usually one day a week that you will do a sprint. You know what these days look like in the life of your blended family. Unfortunately you don’t have much time to think. It is all about getting the family up, breakfast served, kids out the door, then onto work, then dinner, then cleanup, then homework, the off to bed and then do it all over again.
Also throughout the training, there are usually a couple of days a week where there is complete rest. This is the hard part of the blended family experience. Getting these breaks for full days is sometimes hard if not impossible. So you must find moments, minutes and maybe sometimes hours to rest.
In the midst of all of this physical training, you must also take care of your body by eating right and hydrating. Emotionally and mentally you must take of yourself by limiting or dealing with stress in better ways.
All of these things are done so that you can run your best race on race day which is often months away. The same goes for the blended life, in that you must have periods of both exertion and rest so that you can run your best race as life goes on.
So all this is great in theory, but how do we make this practical? Let’s talk about some simple ways to make this happen that hopefully won’t take too much energy.
- First I want you to take some deep breaths and really think about how your body is changing in how it feels when you do this. Deep breathing over periods of time can produce calm in the body.
- Go for a walk and use all of your senses. Think about what you are seeing, smelling, and hearing especially. Be grateful if you can do this and for what you are experiencing.
- Stay in your pajamas just a bit longer. Give yourself permission to fight against the expectations of others. This one is hard for those of us that always think we should be doing something.
- Look at what tasks can be delayed, temporarily not done, or permanently deleted from your life. Don’t take too much time thinking about this because that defeats the purpose of removing some pressure and stress.
- Tell your family what you are doing and ask that they do the same. In other words model some of the behaviors and let them know it is okay to do these from time to time.
So after I am done recording this podcast, I want to take some deep breaths and maybe take a walk around the work complex and soak in the sun, trees, and bird for just a bit.
Please take care of yourself and each other while we go on this short hiatus from the podcast. We will return again in about 4 weeks.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger. If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well. Today we will talk about freeing the entire family from this bondage so you can all you’re your most full lives. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Judging others and judging situations is something that is programmed into all of us from a very early age.
We are taught to size up and scrutinize the situations in life that we all face. However, it becomes unhealthy when we begin to “pass judgment” onto others for the things they do and say.
So what is judgment you ask? Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as, “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.”
The two pieces that often get us into trouble when it comes to judging something are “opinion” and “comparing.”
An opinion is a very subjective view of something that we make up in our mind. It could be something as simple as, when you said hello to a person that passed by and they did not respond. In your mind you could form an opinion that says “what a jerk, couldn’t even have the decency to say hello back” or “wow they probably have a lot on their mind, and didn’t realize what I said” or maybe “they may not have actually heard me say anything because it is loud around here.” Or you could come in with a thousand other judgments about what you thought was behind the no smile that you saw.
The other piece that causes issues with the definition of judgment is “comparing.” Comparing is basically the examination of someone or something in relation to something or someone else and then look at the similarities and differences.
Of course when we have an opinion and make a comparison, we are most often placing this person or this thing up against us. And often depending on our view of ourself will often drive our judgment one way or another but it can be tricky as to which way that goes.
We can certainly view ourselves as equal, superior, or inferior to others and this will not doubt drive our response. But it is not as easy as you think. You would think that someone that views someone as equal would view another’s situation in a neutral or positive light, and those that find themselves superior or inferior might judge in a negative way. But I have seen all sorts of judgments from these places.
Someone who sees themselves as inferior I have seen can judge in both directions. They might say wow look at all this person has done to get themselves where they need to and look at what I lack. In this case the negative judgment is being directed at self and the positive judgment is being directed at the other. Or conversely some jealousy could enter and someone who sees themselves as inferior, could say something like well the success they have is not because of anything they have done but because of the help they received.
When we begin to judge others negatively or when we measure ourselves negatively, it can often feel like a weight around our necks that is constantly pulling us done.
It can also be very easy to begin to subconsciously teach the kids that judgment is normal and something to be done consistently. And unfortunately we are inadvertently giving them a weight to carry around.
Once I became more aware of the judgments I was passing on about other people, the more I felt that weight. Why is there a weight? That is a good question and I am not sure I have the full answer, but I think just being negative in general and exhausting ourselves by constantly making comparisons is probably what contributes to the weight of judgment coming back to us.
So what are some ways that we can lessen and maybe even prevent judgments and the subsequent weight that you and the family might feel.
- Become aware that you are thinking in this way. The more attune you are to your thoughts the more easily you can recognize this happening.
- Gratitude. Being appreciative of what you have in life can often head especially the comparison part of judgment off.
- Realize that there are many reasons why someone might be living a certain way or acting in a manner that is not consistent with how you would act. The issue here is not to pretend that something that person is doing is not a problem, but more about what that judgment is doing to your mental health.
- Be compassionate. By first thinking of the good in people, it can often feel more freeing. Now of course one must be cautious about being taken advantage of by others, but by teaching your children to always think the best about people the lower the chance they will judge in a harsh or negative way.
- Accept things more as they are. Often our brains think that we must always work to change something that doesn’t fit with our narrative in life. As a result we can often judge in preparation to want to change something. We all know often we can’t change someone else and if we try and it doesn’t happen it can often lead to some unhealthy mental states.
Finally, teach your kids both bio and step all of these things. First, you must practice these and get much better at them yourself. Once you feel you are in a better place with all of these, then gently guiding your kids in these ways, will help them grow up to be less judgmental and more free in their lives.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors. Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.
You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors. So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series.
And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions. I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it’s something you do. And so that means we can’t just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow.
Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables. There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest.
- Find the right location for the garden. Is shade, sun, or a combination?
- Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest.
- How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other.
- What kind and how much fertilizer is needed.
- How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight
- How often should the soil be manipulated.
- How should weeding happen.
So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop. The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits.
I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that. One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare. Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect. The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section.
The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key. That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return. The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile.
So let’s talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books:
From the Love Dare:
“Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
“Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.”
“Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.”
From The Respect Dare:
- “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.”
- “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.”
- “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive. For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.”
These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage.
You might even have some of your own that work well. I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group
The Love Dare
The Respect Dare

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 2, we will talk today about how cognitive distortions can filter the way we view something that is happening and can change our reaction in a more negative way.
You might be asking what a cognitive distortion is. Well first before we describe what it is, you should know that we all have them to some degree or another because we are humans and imperfect.
A cognitive distortion is often described as a way of thinking that is often inaccurate and also tends toward being negatively biased. There are lots of cognitive distortions and we will go over a few of the more common ones now.
- Overgeneralization means that we reach a broad conclusion base on something occurring once or maybe even just a few times. For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue about money, it maybe become so overwhelming that you start thinking you disagree about everything.
- Catastrophizing is assuming the worst when faced with something that is unknown. Often our minds will go down a rabbit trail and eventually down the rabbit hole that a worse case scenario is going to happen.
- Personalization means that you are attributing blame for something entirely toward yourself or you could be blaming someone else. An example, might be something like blaming yourself and how bad of a person you for not cooking dinner one night. When in fact maybe there were all sorts of issues contributing to dinner not being able to be made.
- Labeling is somewhat similar to personalization. It occurs when say we mess something up, and we start to say we are a bad person. Or maybe we get into too many arguments and we start saying our spouse is a jerk for example.
There are many more cognitive distortions but those are just a few that pop up in relationships.
So what do we do with these. Let’s talk about 3 practical things you can do to limit the effect on your life.
- First, you must work to become aware that this is a possibility. A good way to do this is to notice or become aware of your thoughts and how you are processing what you are perceiving.
- Second notice if your mood has shifted negatively. Are you feeling anxiety, anger, or fear for example. If this is the case it may very well be that a cognitive distortion is occurring.
- Finally, can you allow your mind to think about alternative possibilities. The best example for doing this is assigning what you think the motivation is behind why someone is doing something. Often we get the motivation completely incorrect.
It takes time to recognize when we are mentally in a somewhat distorted place but the more you do it the easier it will be.
We look forward to discussing installing new behaviors in our next session.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Today's Goodies

Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
In Remarriage Rehab Part 1, we will talk today about disconnecting from our past.
You may have heard the phrase that, “if you are hysterical, then it may be historical.” This means that if you or your partner have a very inflated response to an issue, it quite possibly means that something from your past if playing a role.
The past can come from probably 3 different areas and is something to consider.
- Your childhood could be an area that is bringing something up. Sometimes differences in parenting can rear up in how you were parented versus how your spouse was parented as an example. Or maybe something traumatic happened that causes your fight or flight mechanism to kick in.
- Past relationships can also cause issues for us. If you went through a very difficult past marriage that was fraught with infidelity, then it cause manifest insecurities and trust issues. So if your spouse gets home from work late one day and doesn’t let you know beforehand, it could trigger a past feeling of upset if this was a norm in your past relationship.
- Past events in your current relationship can also cause issues. Maybe you have had a similar argument several times before. But this time it blows up completely. It could be happening, because the issue has so mounded up that it contributes to what is happening in the here and now.
All of this is great, so what to do we do about this.
- First, we need to do an honest evaluation to understand the root of our extreme upset. So when something like this comes up, you should go back through your history to understand if something has set up shop in your brain as a trigger.
- Second, we should voice our past triggers to our partner. This can do several things. It can help you by discussing and processing which is generally always a good thing for our brain. It can also help your partner know and understand which issues and topics may be landmines.
- Change our view that it is not entirely that you are a bad person or that your spouse is a bad person, but that there is a third element at play that could be wreaking havoc.
We all have a past and completely denying what that past might be doing can be a foolish endeavor.
It should be stressed that we should not use our past as a weapon toward each other either. I hear one person in a couple often will make very cutting comments that their partner acts a certain way solely because of the past.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses how big decisions don’t need to be complicated or difficult. Of course sometimes decisions themselves may take some time to weigh out we will talk about 3 steps you should take during the process of making a big decision. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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The big decisions in your blended family journey don’t come around everyday, but on occasion you might be faced with something that is big and weighty.
You might face a big job change that might incur more travel or more hours at the office. You might face a move that has to be made to another city because of a job change. Or maybe there are changes in custody or visitation because of a job or move issue. Maybe you simply need to move to a new home because your new blended family has outgrown the current home. Whatever the change might be, it will certainly come with a big decision.
In my own life, I was faced with a couple of those big decisions and one in particular came in the course of being in a blended family (one came while I was single and in between relationships). That big decision involved whether or not to move from Florida to Virginia as a result of a job transfer.
With that move, there were of course options. We could have stayed in Florida and I could have either looked to leave the company I was employed with or maybe found another position within the company to stay. And then the other option would be to remain with the company in that same position and move.
Ultimately after some back and forth between us as a family and some actual changes within the company that had the new job be a “go” then move to “frozen” to being a “go” again, we went through a quick 3 step process that helped us feel better about our decision.
Before I talk through that 3 step process, we ultimately did make the decision to move from Florida to Virginia. The main decision revolved around feeling like their might be more opportunities from a career standpoint and also there was more to do that would be to our liking.
So all this being said, let’s go through that 3 step process that it took to get us closer to make the big decision:
- First, get on the same page with your spouse. This may take awhile to talk through feelings about each side, and the pros and cons of the decision. For the most part don’t move to step 2 before being united with each other. However, if you are feeling like your discussions with each other are stalling then you might want to move forward only to circle back around.
- Secondly, understand the bio and stepkids feelings about each side of the decision. This means understanding their feelings about the decision. Now, getting this information does not mean that you will be making the decision based solely on their wants, but that you are taking this into consideration as a piece of the puzzle.
- Third, make the decision and communicate to the kids and/or other family members. Again you may need to go through several rounds of step 1 and 2 to get to the 3rd step. I would definitely advise that both you and your spouse have a family meeting of sorts to lay out the decision. Of course make the kids feel heard and understood by letting them know their opinions were important and valued. And you can say that these were definitely weighed during the tough decision you each as parents had to make.
So these steps may not actually make the decision for you, but again can be a guide to a smoother path to making the best decision for you and your blended family.
I like a quote attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, who said: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
So to me this means that I can’t get too hung up on all the attitudes and moods of the people in my family, but that sometimes I just have to keep making the best possible decisions for my family with my spouse’s agreement of course.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses how we all have times we have either uttered or thought, “I am done.” You have been divorced before and now you are thinking about it again. In today’s thought provoking episode, we will talk about how common this is and some things to think about to really know whether or not this next marriage will work or not. Also, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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So you have been through a divorce and are remarried. Are things getting so bad in your current relationship that maybe you can’t believe you are back at this place of contemplating another divorce?
If you have ever said or thought the words, “I am done” in a second or third marriage or beyond then you are certainly not alone.
You may or may not know that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, 3rd marriages about 70%, and 4th are typically above 80%. So that being said, as you can see not only do lots of people say or think that they are done, that many actually follow through and get divorced again.
The stress of being in another marriage is only compounded because there are children involved that are not yours. This causes all kind of issues, especially when they say they don’t like and won’t listen.
Do you feel that your spouse does not have your back when it comes to these kid issues? This dynamic can generate even more stress on a couple and a family. One of you wants things to change and the other is more wishing for the status quo.
Based on all these pieces not working you definitely have every right to wonder if this next marriage is over.
Do you just have thoughts about these things or have you discussed this with your partner or with others? Once the issues are spoken then it can create another dynamic, because maybe until this time your partner has not realized there is an issue. Or maybe conversely they do agree and so it further advances what you both have been thinking.
You might be on the fence right now over whether or not this is truly something you should move forward with or something you should just try to deal with and figure a way to make peace with and stay in the marriage.
This is obviously a major decision in your life. A decision to end or continue a relationship, and a decision to change your kids and stepkids lives once again.
Let’s talk about the things you should consider to know whether or not you are really ready to end the marriage again.
- First, on a scale of 1-10 I want to you think about where you land on whether or not you should end this relationship. A “10” means you are in this fully and completely and a “1” means you are making concrete plans even as you listen to this podcast. A “5” means you are completely unsure and are weighing out each side of the coin. By understanding, your number above it will help you gauge really where you are at in determining your future.
- Are the words, “I am done” thought or said during the heat of an argument, just after while you are still emotionally flooded, or are they coming at times of calm well after an issue has caused a problem? As you can imagine if they come at times of calm, then you may realize this is more real that it is possibly time to move on.
- If you have voiced your concerns that you may need to end the marriage, do you feel that you have given enough time to see changes made?
- Do you listen to what your spouse is saying about you regarding what changes they would like? Sometimes in relationships, there is one person that generally brings up problems most often and the other just deflects. If you are the one that brings up problems, then you may need to work to be the one to listen more to your partner.
- What are the reasons you stay versus the reasons you think about leaving? Do any of the reasons for staying involve the love you have for your spouse? Do any of the reasons you stay involve how much they mean to you as a partner? If you reasons for staying involve mostly the kids or what others might think then that may be cause for concern.
- Do you have fears about being alone or starting over again? This is a very common fear that many people have, but again is this a valid reason or enough of a reason to stay in this marriage.
- What would you tell your best friend if they were in exactly the same position as you? When I ask people this question, the answer I often hear, is “I would tell them to do what makes them happy.” And they go on to say, that you should make your own decision but to weigh out things on all sides.
- If you are spiritual and more specifically a Christian, then you know there is wording in the Bible that speaks to divorce. When it comes to this you must think about the level of importance that you place on something like this. Only you can know your level of distress and you must weigh this out.
- Speaking to a counselor on your own, can give you some clarity. Be patient with this process, as many people want to go to a therapist so they can be told what to do. A good therapist will not tell you what to do but help you discover the best course of action for you.
Obviously a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision. If you have just entered into a place of thinking you are done, then be patient as you work through this. If you have been here a long time, then obviously you may have some more urgency about what needs to happen.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer in this fully unscripted quick episode, he talks simply about how we should do more listening to each other. We should adopt this strategy for a better home life in our remarriage and blended family and just better life in general. In addition to listening to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The message today is simple: Let’s practice listening more.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses staying fully mentally present in your remarriage. Now more than ever with more stress and more technology, we can often find ourselves physically present but not completely connected with our spouse. We will talk today about some ways to help you stay more present so that your connection with your spouse deepens. In addition to listening to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s world it is harder than ever to be consistently and fully emotionally present in our relationships.
Ever catch yourself thinking about work, the kids, doing yardwork, working out, the need to check your email or social media. Do you ever take your phone out to check something when your spouse is talking to you.
Do you sometimes multi-task like watch a movie AND scroll through your phone? Ugh, I am majorly guilty of this one.
Are you in a relationship where one or both of you have accepted this as the norm or do you get highly upset with each other when this is happening? I tend to see a wide variety of couples where this may or may not trigger upset or anger.
No doubt the blended family situations with all that goes into that and the many ways in which you each are pulled can certainly be a hindrance.
In my marriage therapy, I hear lots of stories about how one partner says they will be venting or even pouring out something emotional, and they will get blank stares or a very unempathetic response.
I recently worked with a couple, where the male would actually change the subject or walk away when his wife would start to talk about something emotional. Now interestingly, as we dug a little bit on this there were some keys to his past that played a role for sure which helped get a better understanding of why he might respond this way.
So let’s talk about some very common ways that we are not fully present:
- Thinking about other things and situations when our spouse is talking to us. I find the longer we are in a specific relationship, the more frequent this tends to occur.
- Technology is something we have already discussed, but again spending too much time on our smartphones and things like social media within the phone.
- Sometimes latching on to something your spouse said that caused an emotion to stir. At that point you are so locked on to that, that you no longer register much of what is going on with the rest of what is being said.
- General mental health struggles like anxiety and depression can inhibit staying fully present. Now sometimes those struggles are due to chemical imbalances and other times it can be related to stress and other outside factors like situations that are out of the norm.
- Finally when we get to a place of making judgments about the things we see. When we do this we are not keeping up with what we are seeing and doing in the moment. So for example when we see our spouse come home late, we will often make a snap judgment about what we think has happened and we can often carry on with these thoughts for quite awhile. And to further complicate, we will then often assign a positive or negative spin on this.
So now that you know what are some of the things to watch out for, let’s talk about some ways to help you be more fully present in your relationship:
- Catch yourself making judgments. Becoming more aware of this and working to reduce these will first help make you more fully present and secondly will hopefully make you happier.
- Mindfulness Meditation is a meditation where you work to become more aware of your thoughts, accept them and thus their power will usually reduce.
- Repeat back on occasion what you heard your partner say. This actually helps you stay on the conversation but also makes your partner often feel heard and understood.
- Unload some stressful pieces of your life. Are there things you can let go of? Maybe it is something you do like yardwork? Could you hire it out? Maybe it is all of the volunteering you do? Maybe it is something internal like the guilt you feel over your past divorce?
- If the inability to stay present is significant, make an appointment with a mental health care professional to look for something clinical like Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or PTSD. Medication could also be something to talk your doctor or psychiatrist about.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about shared parenting and how you should be guided by 3 high level principles in everything you do when it comes to sharing parenting with your ex-spouse. In addition to today’s episode, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Shared Parenting or Co-Parenting is definitely a relatively new term when it comes to parenting kids from a divorce. It used to be that one person had primary or even sole custody and could drive most of the decisions. Or sometimes it was called shared custody. I suppose that has primary and sole custody has it’s benefits when done properly, but the courts found that this was often not the best for the children.
Society and the legal system determined at some point that giving both parents an equal say in the child’s life was best for everyone including the parents and the children. There are of course issues with this approach as well in that sometimes parents can get a bit gridlocked sometimes on gray areas that maybe aren’t spelled out so much in the legal documents.
So while the legal system is probably got it right, when you get away from it and deal with day to day and the differences of opinion with your ex-spouse, it can get hairy!
When I was going through my divorce, we were for the most part amicable but I was considered to have primary custody and had more power in decision making. I do believe with one exception which I will talk about in a minute that I used my power wisely and to the benefit of everyone involved.
I suppose if I am transparent with you, the one mistake I made involved me moving away to entirely different state. Now it wasn’t necessarily the move that caused the issue but what happened the first summer away.
So about 3 years after my separation and 2 years after the divorce was finalized, I was not emotionally doing well. I decided that I needed a change. That change was very drastic. I decided to move from Ohio to Florida. Since I had primary custody of my daughter at that time and that my ex-wife was very friendly about it, the move went forward without much of a hitch.
Now you could argue that this is where the problem existed, but it really occurred during that first full summer. Since the distance was so great, we made an agreement that my daughter would come back every Christmas and also every summer. That first summer, I had a problem with my 5 year old daughter being gone for 12 weeks, so we made a deal to have her only be gone for 6 weeks.
Looking back I was scared that my daughter would come back changed or no longer want to be with me. My ex-wife fought me on doing this but eventually relented. But much to my surprise my daughter came back just fine and from there I was more willing to allow her to spend the entire summer with her mom.
Obviously that was a different time and different circumstances and most likely as you are listening there probably is more of a shared situation going where maybe one of you does not have any more authority or power than the other.
So all this being said I want to give you 3 somewhat broad principles to guide your dealing with your ex-spouse when it comes to shared parenting. To get much more concrete tips, check out my free Shared Parenting Checklist that will add to what we are going to talk about now.
- Consistency – Make sure you are as consistent in everything you do. If you have a plan that has been laid out then stick to it as much as you can. Obviously if things have been laid out by the courts then do that. Of course be flexible when you can, but most “experts” agree that consistency is best for both you, your ex-spouse and most of all the kids.
- Communicate – Always communicate what is happening with your children at your home and what an ex-spouse might need to watch out for including homework that may need to get done, medications to be taken, moods or attitudes the child is in, or big changes in life such as loss of friends or loved ones.
- Calm – Always remain calm. You may do all things consistently, you may communicate everything appropriately and it still may not work. You might be met with a resistant or angry ex-spouse. As best you can be calm. Now be careful about your calmness coming off as flippant. Sometimes if it appears you could care less about your spouse’s anger, this can sometimes fuel it even further. So there is a balance of keeping your calm and recognizing it is not easy for either of you.
It may not go perfectly, but if you practice Consistency, Communication, and Calm it typically can go in a much better direction than it would otherwise when it comes to shared parenting.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how even as adults we can often feel like we don’t measure up to our friends who have been married for years with lots of kids. It can sometimes look like they have the idyllic life, which of course we know is not always true. But still it can be hard not to celebrate our differences. That is what we are going to do today. Your different blended family is one to be proud of especially because you have lots more experiences in pain and difficulty that others can learn from. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

I have never been very comfortable with feeling different. I had periods in my childhood especially where I struggled with my weight. In fact as I look back on my youth, whenever I had periods of feeling like I was in the spotlight, I would cope with my anxiety by eating.
In fact I remember that when I played baseball, I especially disliked being the batter at the plate. I felt like all eyes were lasered in on me as I was doing my best to hit the ball. Looking back, I often failed not because I didn’t have the ability but that I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different or standing out.
Same goes for my divorce. I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different than all of my friends. This was driven largely by feelings of being a failure. So not only did I feel like I had failed in my first marriage but I felt like I was a failure.
I would like to say I had some big light bulb moment that changed all of this but much time was needed for the feelings to fade and to realize that lots of people go through the struggle.
Of course once you get through the hurdle of being okay with feeling different because you are divorced, then comes the blended family experience. And most definitely that for sure feels much different!
I went to a wedding this weekend, and in spite of my divorce taking place over 20 years ago, and this blended family journey I started well over 15 years ago, I still felt that same feeling of being just a bit different.
You might be asking what was it about this wedding that brought those feelings up? I suppose it was two fold.
- Of course seeing a young couple getting married for the first time. They were high school and maybe even middle school sweethearts. Seeing them up at the altar took me back to my first wedding and marriage and all the promise.
- Then the parents of the two families I know well as we all attend the same church. The groom’s parents have been married for well over 30 years and have 5 boys together. The brides parents also to my knowledge married over 30 years and have a mixture of boys and girls that make up 5 kids.
So all that being said, definitely gave me some small moments where I thought wow how nice would it be to be married to the same person for that long and to have that many kids together. Alas it did not happen for me.
As the wedding wound down, and my wife (both our second marriage) got into the car together to ride home, we remembered with fondness our own wedding and how my daughter from my previous marriage who was 8 at the time was not completely thrilled. It was a sweet but tough time.
- It was sweet because it was a new adventure where we both felt like we were getting a second chance. My daughter on the other hand felt as if she were getting the shaft. So it was a balance, but one that we look on now knowing that we are better for it.
So that being said how do we celebrate and feel good that we are different? Let’s talk about that:
- First, as the Kelly Clarkson song goes, “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.” To me this means that if we survive divorce and that initial stages of blending, then indeed this has made us stronger.
- We can offer help and hope to those struggling with loss and pain. Really any kind of loss and pain can resonate with us having dealt with some of the biggest emotional pain on the planet.
- We don’t get complacent with relationships with the kids. In fact we have to be careful that we don’t go the other way and over analyze and beat ourselves up and…and…and. In other words though on the bright side we can put much more thought and effort because our circumstances are so much different.
- Most of us realize that our past relationships that ended, are a result of issues on both ends. If you are like me, shortly after my marriage ended I put the entire blame on my ex-wife for the end of the relationship. But wow as the years passed by I soon realized the part I played. So all this being said, we can gently offer to our friends that they could also being playing a part in relationship difficulties.
- We are good at juggling. What do I mean there? I mean good at juggling lots of people’s attitudes and ego’s all while hopefully maintaining ours.

We hope that today’s message, has offered some hope that it is okay to be different. Remember that the people that stand out are generally the people that are different. Don’t be afraid to be and do different. Let that be you moving forward in your blended family journey.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how hard we try as stepparents to get it right. But what is right? Getting it right is often very subjective and so getting upset at ourselves is not the right approach. Today we applaud your availability not your ability. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know that perfection is not necessary in most walks of life. I would even dare to say that it isn’t necessary in the medical field or in any of the sciences. There are many reasons why perfection is not necessary and it probably mostly has to do with the fact that we are not perfect people.
You might not know this but even the dictionary gives some wiggle room about perfection. Listen to all these defintions:
- the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.
- a person or thing perceived as the embodiment of perfection.
- the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless *as possible.*
So I mean come on even the dictionary which sometimes we think is the most perfect place to find the meanings of words can’t even say for sure that there such a thing as true perfection.
I think a lot about life and our history and what can we say was ever perfect or even close.
- In 1894, Hugh Duffy had a batting average of .440. This still stands today as the highest batting average ever. What this average means is that he got a hit 44% of the time and made an out 56% of the time. Very far from perfect!
- Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times to get the light bulb right.
- Jeff Bezos the founder of Amazon had a multi billion dollar failure with a smart phone called the “Fire Phone.” He later said that actually this failure led to the development of the highly successful Amazon Echo. He said, “If the size of your failures isn’t growing, you’re not going to be inventing at a size that can actually move the needle.”
So have I convinced you that perfection is not necessary or really even possible, now what? Let’s talk about what you should be focused on instead especially as you shepherd your blended family.
- Your Availability is more important that your ability. Just being there for your family is often more important than what you are doing. If career is important, then you might need to get creative on ways to stay connected like utilizing the phone to make calls or Facetime to see your family when traveling.
- Learn from Your Failures. Try as best you can not to make the same mistake twice. Of course as we have learned today, mistakes are somewhat subjective but again learn from things you don’t think you did right.
- Learn to Apologize. In my work with couples there is often one person in the relationship who has a tougher time apologizing for wrongs. Often I find that this person’s childhood was void of people apologizing. Now if you are the one that does often apologize be careful not to be too upset when you aren’t hearing it from your partner. Give them grace for not perfecting the art of the apology.
- You are Not Your Mistakes. This one is cliché but just remember there is no stepparenting manual for goodness sakes. You didn’t do something you would have liked but it does not define you.
- Tomorrow is a new Day. Again another cliché so this is just a reminder. You will have plenty of opportunities to work to get it right. If you are in a spot where you start to do things better and differently, your partner may not fully believe this yet but I encourage you to keep at it. Eventually your partner and kids will see you differently.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how spiritual or religious differences are a very common issue that can cause problems in a remarriage. This issue may be more common for remarrieds especially as you have older and maybe more settled in your ways. We will talk about this issue and give some helpful tips. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about how spiritual or religious differences may cause a divide in your relationship and in your family.
Let’s first talk about the difference between spirituality and religion. These are different and each can cause it’s own issues.
- Spirituality: being concerned with the human spirit or soul instead of material or physical things.
- Religion: the belief in a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God.
So that is the dictionary definition, but I like to define these words in different terms.
- For me spirituality is all about a relationship with God. It is a heart connection and everything else grows from that.
- Religion to me is more about the daily practice of working to get toward God whether or not your heart is right or not. For example someone can go to church, read the Bible, be a “good” person and not necessarily have a close relationship with God.
Now that we understand some of the differences, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Are my partner on the same page spiritually?
- Are my partner on the same page with regard to religious practices?
If you are not on the same page spiritually, then you might have the following issues:
- You will differ in how to have a relationship with God. According to Christianity, God defines the only way to have a relationship with God is to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Other spiritual connections do not believe this and in fact some argue that you don’t serve the same God.
- When times get tough, you will both be turning toward something different. One will choose a personal relationship with a living and resurrected savior, and as far as all other spiritual connections it is my understand that there is no being that has died in our place and was resurrected.
When it comes to religious differences, these are more about things happening in the here and now in your daily life. It can cause issues like the following:
- Where to go to church if at all?
- What type of people to associate with? Those who are fellow believers and who are not?
- What resource to use to gather strength for life. Believers in Christianity will use the Bible and others will use something else.
- What should the children believe? Some couples will say that they can believe whatever they choose. This means that they will be receiving the spiritual and religious foundation from outside sources. So you may find that they choose neither and choose something else. How would this feel to both of you if this happened?
- What holidays should be celebrated? Maybe you have decided early on in your relationship to do more than one. This works now but will it always work?
- When an outside third party is sought to help with your marriage would you seek a Christian pastor? If so how would that fit in your relationship?
- What will you use to define your moral compass which is what is to be used as the instrument by which a person’s ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly.
If you have differences in these areas what should think about:
- If you are dating and not yet married, you may want to seriously consider everything we talked about today and weigh that against pursuit of marriage. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I will say that the Bible does say this about these differences, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
- You might now be asking yourself, what if I am married to an unbeliever or someone of a different faith. According to the Bible, it states that you should not leave an unbeliever and that the only time this is acceptable is when the unbeliever voluntarily wants to go. See 1 Corinthians 7:13,15.
What should you do:
- Have non-defensive conversations about your beliefs
- Understand each other’s childhood and where these beliefs may be rooted and the importance of them.
- Ask questions about each other’s adolescence and whether or not belief systems began to change.
- Ask each other about early adulthood and whether or not things changed even further
- Talk about previous marriages. Was there an equal yoke? If so what did you practice together and how did that work? If there was an unequal yoke, talk about those differences.
- Discuss present feelings and practices toward your spirituality and religious practices. Brainstorm asking each other what if questions about how certain practices would be resolved with each of you.
This is an important subject that you owe each to talk through patiently and work on a way to resolve or respectfully accept differences.

Resources:

Free Shared Parenting Checklist
The Remarried Life Facebook Group

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer continues to discuss this prolonged period of what is called social distancing during the current pandemic we are all facing. Kids have an especially difficult time with this mostly because it is hard for the younger ones to understand and the older ones are just really so used to be so social. Today we will talk about some creative ideas for kids to be able connect while being physically distant. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The need to be socially distant from others during the current pandemic is tough enough for adults, but what about the kids. Kids can have such a difficult time because (unless they are homeschooled) are used to being around lots of other kids and people.
This difficulty in our kids having trouble with social distancing can be very burdensome on us as adults especially in a blended family. Because relationships are often strained in a blended family and now we are spending lots more time together that it can cause an even greater strain.
However, I have heard lots of stories to the contrary where families are coming closer together by doing some really creative things at this time.
We are going to talk about some creative ideas that your kids can do during this time to help them with the whole social distancing issue. Some ideas they can mostly do on their own and others could be done together.
- For the younger kids, a website called Go Noodle has all sorts of videos to help with movement and mindfulness. This could be a good site to start the day where kids get off to a fresh start by moving and or doing some meditation.
- Use Zoom which is a videoconferencing website where kids can connect with other kids. This might be a good opportunity for teens to stay connected with each other. Of course you may need to set up some ground rules for communication and whether or not you want to be able to see and hear what is going on in real time. There is also a record feature that you could let your child know could be used to go back and look through the video if need be. Working with the other parents on how best to approach this would also be a good idea.
- Sidewalk Chalk Obstacle Course. I actually saw this one day while I was on a run. The neat thing is that the kids wrote in chalk that this could be used by anyone who wanted to have fun. Obviously this one might be a bit difficult to maintain distance if lots of kids want to do this at once.
- Use Recycled Items to Create Something Fun. This one might best for the younger kids, but teens could enjoy it as well. For the young ones, creating a robot out of used milk jugs or maybe teens can create some kind of electronic device from old electronic parts and wires you might have around.
- Cook Together Especially To Help Someone Else. Getting the kids more involved in cooking can always be fun. What would make it even more fun and important would be to cook for a neighbor or a friend in need. I have seen lots of people doing this for other and leaving the food in the garage or on the porch.
- Neighborhood Scavenger Hunt. You could make a game out of finding things in the neighborhood. For example, the kids might have to collect 3 different types of leaves, or find a white wild flower (teach them the difference between wild flowers and those that people have planted before they go pulling!)
Make a Movie. Have the kids develop a plot, write a script, choose the actors, and film using a smart phone. There is lots of great movie editing software to choose from to help put it all together.
- Online Books Including Audio. A great website called Get Epic has lots of great kids books to choose from whether they read or listen to the audio. There is a free trial available and then after that there is a cost. The one comes highly recommended from my wife, the teacher!
We hope that this episode has your creative juices flowing to help come up with some not so common ideas to the potential boredom that is possibly setting in for your blended family.

Resources:

Go Noodle
Zoom
Get Epic

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about staying connected in a world where we are unconnected. Whether we are dealing with a world-wide pandemic or not, staying connected to each other and to others is important. At the end of the day life is about relationships. We will talk about ways to stay connected during times when it is difficult. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Relationships whether you it like or not are a part of life. Obviously it is better if you like to have relationships with others and being in a blended family can be tough because everyone is thrown together whether they like it or not.
Sometimes being in a blended family can sometimes feel like a “blender” family and it is turned on high for way too long sometimes!
Whether or you are listening to this episode during the world wide pandemic we are under and you must practice social distancing or you are listening at a time where this is a distant memory, it is good to stay connected.
If you have lived on this earth long enough, you have probably experienced a great deal of painful events in your life, some of them personal and some societal. But whether they are specific to you or not they have affected you.
Have you ever heard anyone on their death bed talk about desire to accumulate more wealth. Ever heard anyone say they wish they had worked harder and more hours. No, of course not. We hear things like I wish I had spent more time with the ones I loved. Or I wish I had reconciled that relationship with my mom or dad that went south many years ago.
It is the relationships that mean the most to us in life and so what better way for us to focus on these now.
Let’s talk about some very simple things you can do to stay connected.
- If someone comes to your mind, send them a text or even call them and just say that they came to your mind and you just wanted to reach and say hello and to check in. Most people absolutely love when they know someone is genuinely thinking of them.
- If you spouse leaves home, put a small note in his or her lunch bag just saying how much you appreciate how hard they work.
- Put a sticky note on the mirror to your step child’s bathroom mirror with an inspirational quote or bible scripture that you know has meaning. Do it at night after they go to bed, so they see it in the morning.
- As a side note, on a windy stormy day, we had a lot of sticks blow down on the driveway. I used them to spell “I Love You Heather.” The message to my wife was so appreciative and unexpected she said.
- Talk on the phone regularly to someone who is possible shut in or sick. This is something I am doing now and to be honest it was the older gentleman from my church who I have become good friends who calls me more than I do.
- Take it a step further and ask that person if they need anything like food or other essentials. Take a trip to the grocery story for them and surprise them with things they need.
- Do like so many are doing and gather up a few people to go to someone’s house who is suffering to sing them songs to help brighten their mood.
- What other types of things have you done to stay connected to each other and to others? What have others done for you?
Remember to always stay connected. Even in times of extreme busyness, just make sure you are always reaching out to others. If you find yourself lonely and angry that others are not reaching out to you, then you be the one to reach out.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks to author Misty Fitch about transitions in a blended family. In light of the world pandemic we are all facing, changes big and small in a blended family can offer challenges. Misty offers lots of great advice on this topic. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

How Misty says to Deal With Kids Emotions When Coming or Going to the Other Home:
- “Every time we have worked with blended couples, its come up at least once because people tend to want to blame their ex spouse on the behavior of their kids when they return from their homes. And I've been guilty of that when we first were doing this whole thing when we were blended and transitioning. I remember blaming my ex spouse, why when they come back that we have this deprogramming stage. …. And one of the things you'll hear me say a lot is it's not about you. It's not about you. It's not about the other parent. It's not about the pain you have or the anger you have. It's about the kids.”
What Misty recommends on Dealing With Kids Communicating Back from the Other Spouses Home:
- “Trying to control anything over there is just it's not gonna help anybody out. And it's important that the kids know that too. Because whether you're in a blended family, or in a biological family, kids try to pit the parents against each other just to get their way if mom says no, they go ask dad, right? So it's kind of the same thing. When dad says no, so I'm gonna go ask mom. And even though they really don't want you to be fighting against each other, they want their way because they're kids, and they're very self centered. Right? So I think that's what happens a lot of times and we just have to be the adults. And again, remember, it's not about us, it's about them.”
How Misty says to Deal with Differences in Lifestyles at the Separate Home
- I feel like we need to just redirect the conversation with them. But it's a conversation between you and your ex, if you can co-parent well, then contact them and know that you can’t have the exact same house. It's gonna be different. And we only have control of what we have control of which is in our home.”
Misty talks about how her husband and she has has been dealing with the transitions that the COVID-19 pandemic is causingin her own blended family:
- “My husband has offices in our front room and he has everything spread out and he's also trying to get the kids started on work. And I told him I said, just, you know, kind of stay in your lane, you do your thing, and I'll do mine. He's like, I don't even know. But he wants to make sure everything is just right. And so when he's in the middle of it, he wants to kind of have his hand on it, make sure everything is happening the right way. But I also want him to not be disturbed you handle your work the way you always do pretend we're not here. We'll pretend you're not here. That has been hard. Not only that, but just school for us last week, I think it was that was our first full week of him being home. And I would let the kids sleep or stay in their rooms until like one o'clock because he's on conference calls and I didn't know how to homeschool. Quietly while he's on conference calls.”

Resources:

Misty’s website is com
Misty’s Newest Book Beautifully Blended for a discount and to receive a free chapter

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer offers support in this episode for stepparents especially new ones. Becoming a stepparent might just be the hardest role you will ever play in life. In many other areas of life you might feel like you have some control but in the stepparent role we often feel like we don’t have any. Today is more about support and encourage than it is about a laundry list of what you should and should not do. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Being a biological parent sometimes results from a plan and sometimes not. I remember when I became a biological parent, we had this thought that it might be nice to wait another 2-3 years in order to be more financially stable. Well as you can imagine it happened around the time we wanted to wait and so definitely an example of not exactly choosing when to have a child.
It is also interesting that becoming a biological parent is not really regulated in any way by law. On the other hand, becoming an adoptive parent means you have to go through lots of red tape and lots of waiting. Doesn’t seem to make sense does it. Would almost be nice if before having a biological child, we went through some kind of background check or maybe even some classes to help us prepare. But understandably that gets into civil rights and other things which is a subject we won’t tackle today.
So it might seem like I am tearing down being a biological parent and that I am dismissing it as not being that hard. Quite the contrary in that it is so hard being a biological parent, but in my opinion I think it is much harder being a stepparent. Why is that? Well let’s talk about that:
The X reasons why being a stepparent is so hard:
- You are “stepping” into lives and situations that have already been formed and formulated in a certain way. Of course there have been changes, but
- You may not have the control you are used to. Getting used to a new normal can be hard. It has probably been a bit easier to get your own biological children to listen to you because there is a bond and some trust built up.
- Anger is probably a very common emotion that is present in everyone in the family. No one likes the situation they find themselves in when it comes to being in a blended family. Often logical decision making is thrown out the window when it comes to what is the right thing to do.
- You and your current spouse probably have different ideas on how to parent. This is a complicated issue one where all sorts of issues are at play. Things like the relationship you have or don’t have with the kids, how you and your partner parented in your previous relationship, and then something parenting from a place of guilt for the bio parent and conversely parenting from a place of a lack of love for the kids by the step parent.
- It can take years for a stepfamily to gel together and sometimes it never fully happens. This is why a stepparent must have an immense amount of patience as the new family dynamic and system unfolds.
- You will feel like an outsider. This is because at some point you were an outsider and you have come into a situation where again relationships have already been formed and that can be a tough thing to break into.
Ultimately it takes perseverance and patience for you as a stepparent. Both of these concepts involve time. Perseverance involves more action oriented nature and patience involves just holding back a bit more. But both have their place and are equally important as you walk through this new situation.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the art of being grateful in spite of our circumstances. It is a concept that has become a cliché. But the reason that it is often cited as beneficial is that there are so many benefits if you practice it regularly in the life of your blended family experience. Today we will talk about the benefits of being grateful in spite of some difficulty circumstances in a blended family and remarriage. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s face it. When you have been divorced, are now in another family situation with all kinds of what feels like competing interests it can be difficult for any member of the family to be thankful for what they have.
The reason that blended family situations exist is because something previously ended rather unhappily. As a result this can often set us all up to focus so much more on the negative in our lives.
I am sure you have experienced a great deal of this in your life as you see the stepkids not being appreciative of your efforts at time. And in fact they may have never shown any outward appreciation at all.
Then you in turn begin to become upset and sometimes very bitter toward the stepkids when they do not show appreciation or gratitude.
So what is gratitude anyway? Gratitude is “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”
You might be thinking well the first part I can do but how can I do the second part of it the kindness is not coming back to me. This is so tough for sure and requires you to begin to break the cycle to some degree in that you might be doing the act of returning kindness when to be honest you don’t feel like much is being done for you or to you.
It is so much harder to do this for a child because children will often not warm up to this type of change as fast as an adult would. Sometimes kids will never warm up to this and this is when as difficult as it is you must focus on what they might say about you when they are 30 or 40 years old.
Hopefully decades down the road you will hear things like, “yeah we were all in a tough spot, but man did my stepmom show me all kinds of gratitude even though I probably didn’t deserve it much for the way I was speaking and acting.”
So what are the benefits of gratitude? Let’s talk about some:
- Gratitude improves your own physical health. There are lots of studies that show that people who practice regular gratitude are healthier and exercise more. Not sure which comes first the general feeling better or the gratitude.
- Gratitude improves mental and emotional health. Again there is lots of research that talk about how much more dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins are released when we show appreciation toward others.
- Gratitude reduces anger. We all know that anger left unchecked can boil over into an inferno.
- Gratitude will improve your self confidence and self esteem. When we get caught in a place of comparison to others it can surely deflate our confidence. It is easy to do this in a blended family experience when we start looking at others who have the biological family experience still intact.
- Gratitude helps us focus on our future dreams, goals and visions for ourself individually and our families. When we are caught in a cycle of being unhappy and ungrateful for what we do have, we can focus so much of this that we lose sight of what is ahead of us. This is unfortunately where depression happens in our lives if we are not careful.
As you may have noticed, I did not mention any of the effects it might have on others. Now usually the benefits that others get from our gratitude are generally positive. But I don’t want us to focus on these because it is possible we may not see it.
There are so many benefits to us individually for showing gratitude to others, that I want you to focus on knowing how good it is for your health and wellbeing and to not focus or worry about what it is doing for others. There is a quiet confidence in focusing in this way as well.
Work on practice gratitude for the things you see that are good in your stepfamily and make sure to verbalize it starting today!

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the state we are in as a society in dealing with a virus that is spreading around the globe. It has affected us all emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. This can be a time in your stepfamily where you all come together to support and encourage each other or it can be a time where anxiety about what is the right course of action can tear us apart. Today we will talk through some simple tips to deal with the anxiety we are all experiencing. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is so difficult to even focus on the direction of your stepfamily when you are just trying to figure out where the next paycheck or even food and essential supplies might be coming from.
Even working through this podcast episode has been extremely difficult because I am having a hard time focusing on it while our world feels like it is crumbling around us.
If you are dealing with the anxiety that is resulting from the fear of the unknown then you are not alone. Most likely you and each member of your stepfamily is struggling in your own way with the fear of what is to come especially because we do not know when this will come to an end.
This is a time where we come together to defeat a common enemy from the outside that is the virus or we can turn against each other. Stress is something that can cause pressure that can be very difficult to deal with.
Most likely you are dealing with kids that are home from school and are venturing into a new frontier called online learning. It was so easy before to drop your kids off at the bus stop or school and be relieved of the pressure of their needs at least for a few hours.
But if you are working from home and juggling having to keep the kids of track then your stress level has potentially gone through the roof. Additionally if you are working to help your stepkids with the school work and other things that are making them anxious during this time then it can sure be a struggle.
In this shortened episode, I just want to give you a few simple tips to work through your own anxiety and the anxiety of your family. I want to keep this short because we are at a time where listening to a podcast episode is probably not the most important thing you could be doing right now. So let’s get to it.
- Pray first to the one who holds our future in his hands. Again we might not know what our future holds but we do know who holds our future.
- Take a breath and know that you are good enough. You are doing the best you can and I don’t want you to be so hard on yourself. If you mess up and do or say something you regret because of this added stress, it really is okay. We all are enough.
- Think about the struggles in your life that you overcame especially when you thought it wouldn’t get any better. It won’t make it perfect but it will help to recall that when times may have looked bleak in the past that you overcame.
- Share those times with your bio-kids and your stepkids especially if they are struggling. They probably do not have as many of the valleys in life to draw from to know that it will all be okay.
- Reach out for help. The government and the church are standing ready to help in whatever way they can. Don’t let pride get in the
It is my hope that we will one day look back on this time as a time to learn, grow and connect as best we can. In fact if you are listening to this episode out into the future it is might hope that you are in a much better place than we all find ourselves in right now.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about fear and worry especially in our children in the wake of a crisis at home or in society. In light of the virus that is spreading around the world and the resulting school cancellations, it can put uncertainty in the minds of our children. Let’s talk today about 5 ways that you can help them feel better in the midst of chaos. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The definition of fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that something is dangerous and is likely to cause pain.”
The definition of worry is “allowing one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.”
The definition of panic is “sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.”
At the time of this podcast publishing, there is a lot of fear, worry, and panic regarding a virus that is spreading around the world. This virus is considered what they call “novel” or new. This means that people have yet to build any kind of immune response to. As a result it can take longer for the body to fight it off which means it has more time to spread.
Schools have been cancelling classes for 2 or more weeks. Kids of course might love the idea of being out of school for a couple of weeks especially if they get that time around the week of spring break meaning they could be looking at 3 weeks off.
But the reason that they are out of school might scare them. Especially with today’s social media and internet information can spread like wildfire. Some of it is true and some of it is not.
Let’s face it social media applications like Facebook has everyone talking right now about this virus and what to do about it. It looks like a phrase called “social distancing” is become part of out language. Social distancing means to limit interactions with others and stay a certain distance from others.
You might be scared about all of this, but chances are you may have one or several kids in the family that are very worried about getting really sick or even dying from this virus because it is being talked about so much.
So what in the world should we do to help our kids especially during this time? I have 5 different ways you can help your bio kids or stepkids navigate this unknown to them a little easier.
Here are those 5 ways:
- Normalize their feelings. Normalize just means to help them understand that it is okay to feel scared and that lots of people do. You can even tell them that from time to time you are scared about things too. Of course you want to stay strong for them but help them know that they are not alone.
- Pray with them. We serve a powerful yet loving God. It is my belief that this virus is not from him nor is he “allowing” this because he is unhappy in any way with us. Let them know that there are a lot of things that are out of our control but that we should turn over our worry to the one that controls it all. This is another way you can help them know they are not alone.
- Read the Bible with them. In particular, pick our passages that discuss fear and worry and what we should do instead. Encourage them to memorize them and replace fearful thoughts with these truths. Here are some of my favorites.
- - “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the birds: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:22-26
  - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:6-7
  - “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
- Reassure them. Let them know that they will always have you to talk through their feelings and to know that what is going for them is important to you. This can especially helpful for stepkids who can automatically feel like you really don’t care nor are interested in them like your own bio kids.
- Help Others. Involve your kids in looking for people who are less fortunate or maybe even the elderly who have to be extremely careful about getting out during this time. If you know of a neighbor in need ask your kids to help check in on them and even go to the grocery store to get them items they might need. This can often take your child’s mind off of their own worry and anxiety.
This time of great fear is certainly an opportunity for great learning and teaching, but also connecting and comfort to take place as well.
Please take care of yourself and each other during this time and let’s pray that this valley we are in comes to end soon.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks to Author and Counselor Megan Bottom about having the difficult conversations in your remarriage. Megan has written a new book called “Nana’s Pearls” which is a book written from a fictional perspective and offers all sorts of wisdom for tough discussions on blended family topics like boundaries, parenting, and sex and intimacy. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Megan Bottom joins us today to talk about having the difficult conversations in our remarriage and blended family. It can be tough to have conversations about boundaries, parenting, and sex for example when we possibly have been hurt quite a bit over these topics.
The following are some great words of wisdom as shared by Megan during the episode many of which she draws from her book:
- On Boundaries:
- - “the biggest lesson that she learned in all of this was setting boundaries and not letting people control her emotions through developing her own family and not letting people have have too much influence on her own family. And that's something that I think that we as counselors talk so much about in in our with our couples that we counsel and how to have those conversations, you know, what does that look like? Where is my voice? Where is my opinion? Where how does that count in our relationship?”
  - “There was just a quote that I read that I actually put in my book that ‘when there's tension in a relationship, most likely that's a lack of boundaries.’ And and that's something that's so important to have those boundaries in place before they become tension.”
- On Parenting:
- - “What are your parenting styles? What do you hope? What are your goals for your children? What are your hope? What's your hope for what they're going to do? And I think that that's something that's so neglected because those are hard conversations to have. And not that if they're different, not if you have different dreams and goals and aspirations for your children or for your parenting styles that you shouldn't get married, but at least you know, going in. This is my boundary in the parenting of the children. This is where, you know, there might be what I call it caution tape boundaries, or there might be some barbed wire boundaries and that and we're not going to cross those barbed wire boundaries, but the caution tape that's something that I'm willing to compromise with. And I think that having those conversations before you get married, and if it's too late, and you're already married, and now there's friction, they're setting up those conversations and talking points. And before they happen before the friction and the anger happens, I think that those conversations are so often neglected.”
- On Sex and Intimacy:
- - “There's a lot of shame involved in sex. There's a lot of hiding involved in that because that's the way that it's been presented, I think, forever and it's not just It's not hiding when it's done in the right context as husband and wife. And another thing with blended family marriages is that a lot of people feel shame because obviously they have had intercourse or intimacy with another person because they're bringing children into the marriage. It's, kind of obvious. and so they kind of tried to avoid talking about that. My thing is that there's so much lost there. And those are things that you have to heal and you have to repent from in order to move on to a new healthy relationship with your now spouse.”

Resources:

Broken 2 Blessed is Megan Bottom’s website where you can find out more about her and her new book called Nana’s Pearls.
Megan’s Email Address: meganbottom@broken2blessed.org

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks filling up your partner emotionally especially when you relationship has run dry. The episode is extremely personal for me because my wife and I have discussed entering a very dry period individually and in our relationship. We have discussed being intentional in our relationship and so today we will discuss a few ways to get there so that both you and your partner feel fulfilled in your relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

This is a very personal episode for me because I have entered into a dry place in my life and in my relationship. If you have been with someone long enough this is most likely going to happen.
For some people it is something more conscious where specific decisions are being made that are purposefully done to create distance. However, today I am focusing on those of us who do not intentionally do something to drive a wedge, but more probably the lack of things done that create a wedge.
I have gotten in this place where the podcast is doing well, my business of working with couples and individuals is going really well in counseling and I begin to subconsciously pour much more of my energy into those places and so what get’s left out. My marriage, family, and friends are what gets left out.
The good news though about this is that I have finally come to grips with this dry place and want to do something about it. It took awhile which involved lots of thinking, lots of discussions with God, and lots of discussions with my wife.
I started to notice over the last year that my patience with things my wife would say was wearing thin. Additionally, I would often times feel the urge to say something about something she did or said that did not sit well with me.
This is something that of course over the life of the 20 years that we have known each other would happen but not to the level over the last year.
We both determined that the lack of positivity, doing and saying the right things toward each other was not there and so more negativity had begun to creep in to take a foothold.
Prior to coming to this realization, I said a couple of times that I would stop the negativity that I could see was coming into my heart and coming out through my lips. However, this would be somewhat short-lived until the next time something flared.
I discovered that what was missing was filling my marriage and my spouse up with positive deposits. It is kind of like a bank account in some ways, that if there is a lack of funds being deposited, that when withdraws need to be made you can feel it just a bit more.
So with you my listener as my accountability partner, here are the things I am committing myself to. And by the way before I start to talk about these things, I want you to think through your own relationship and determine what ways you might add to the emotional love tank.
So here is what I am committing to:
- One night a week, my wife and I will be turning off the TV and putting aside the phones. Instead we will engage in one of 3 types of activities together – playing cards or another game, doing a maintenance type project around the home, or doing a daily devotional together that centers around our relationship with God.
- We will pray together everyday. The prayers will center around getting closer to God, forgiving each other, offering thanksgiving to each other, and asking for blessings for one another.
- We plan to also do a daily individual devotional as well because in our relationship we probably are actually out of balance in not doing enough individually.
There might be other things that we can do, but ultimately we will center things around these three things. As you can see they all either directly all the time or some of the time focus on our Christian faith and walk with God.
I have decided that I am dry in my relationship and marriage because my relationship with my heavenly father is also dry.
Are you in a dry period in your relationship? What will you commit to today to reinvigorate your relationship? Just make it small. One, two, or three easy things you can commit to start seeing the wheels turn in the other direction.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the blended family journey and the necessity of seeking out three other couples to walk alongside. Some have referred to having a Paul (a couple ahead of you), a Barnabus (a couple in the same generally area in life) and a Timothy (a couple just a few steps behind). If you can surround yourself with these three types of couples, you can live a more full and complete life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know that if we stick with hanging around people just like us and in our stage of life, that things could get stagnant. There is no growth there.
This reminds me of growing up with the love of the game of tennis. I was about 12 years old when I first learned to play tennis on an old worn out court the apartment complex that I lived in with my mom who was divorced from my dad.
I began to eat, breathe, and sleep tennis. I could get enough of it. Some days I played so many hours, I would have salt stains all over my hat and shirt from the endless hours of sweat.
I definitely got better at what I was doing by playing with friends at the same skill level and age that I was at. That seemed to work for a time, but then I began to plateau.
Not knowing it at the time, but there were a couple of key ingredients that were added that helped propel me to honing my skills even more.
What lifted me from the plateau and into a place where I performed even, was that I started to play against competitors who were more advanced and also by mentoring players that were a bit behind.
Intuitively, you would think that by playing someone ahead of me that maybe I wouldn’t get anywhere and that I have what little confidence shaken. The opposite happened. I pressed in and pushed myself to try as best I could to keep up with them. There were certainly moments where I was not getting anywhere on the scoreboard, but I thinking mentally and emotionally I gained strength.
As some point I also began to mentor and help train younger tennis players. By doing this I had to really slow down what I was doing and be able to teach it in a far more meaningful way so that they could get it. As you know sometimes we do something for so long, that we just tend to get in a rhythm and feel like we don’t even know what we are doing.
In slowing myself down, I really found myself being able to hone in and focus during my own tennis matches and so I ultimately performed better.
So all this being said, how in the world does this have any meaning in your blended family journey. Well it has a lot to with it and that we will explain now.
What types of other couples should you surround yourself with in order to better your experience (and theirs for that matter):
- A “Barnabus” Couple: First you should find a couple just like you in the same stage of life you are in. You may or may not be aware that Barnabus was a good friend and considered an equal to Paul. He would go to bat for Paul in a moment’s notice. They were equals in their life and could lean on each for equal support.
- A “Paul” Couple: If you know anything about the Bible you know how wise and how great of a teacher Paul was. He did not sugar coat but his letters would be stern guidance for many of the churches of his day who may not have been walking in the right way in the things they did and practiced. In this way, you need a more seasoned couple who has been through more than you have in order to help teach you the right path.
- A “Timothy: Couples: This type of couple is a few years or maybe lots of years behind you. As you know Timothy was a mentee under Paul and learned much from his wiser counterpart. In the same way, you probably have much more you can teach than you realize. It is a great obligation and priviledge to make sure you are training up those that are coming from behind.
So ultimately in order to best grow, you should find a couple ahead of you in your journey, a couple at relatively the same place, and a couple that is behind.
Obviously pray that these types of couples and blended families would come forth in your life rather than trying to force anything.
If you have these three types of couples in your life there is no doubt you will live a much more fulfilled life.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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We devote many episodes of this podcast to our own thinking, feeling, actions. Why do we do this? Because it is the only thing sometimes that we are able to control.
I mean think about your spouse, your biological children, and your stepchildren. They all have different things going on, different things they have experienced during the day and are going to react often in ways that are completely different from one another.
This honestly is so completely difficult to handle and change that often we end throwing our hands in the air, getting angry or even worse want to just throw in the towel completely.
So you are probably wondering what I am saying here? I am saying turn a blind eye to what is happening, don’t hold anyone to any consequences for their behavior. No of course I am not saying that, but I am saying to watch for a few things in yourself.
Because to circle back around again, we can only control the way we think, feel, and behave.
Let’s talk about a few things you should focus on to help you change how you view what is going on in your blended family situation.
- Get in touch with your mood to start with. Have you had a tough day with others or at work? Knowing and understanding where you are starting from can certainly help guide where you are entering into any given situation.
- When you see a stepchild for example act or say something, think first what have they been dealing with today?
- Then ask what have they been dealing with for a lifetime?
- Next I want you to think about a defense mechanism called “Displacement.” Displacement is this idea of taking out anger on something or someone we feel safer to do so. Often anger unleashed on a stepparent for example by a stepchild is done because of the situation or someone else in their life that is upsetting. For example the stepchild could be taking anger out on you because of the divorce of his own parents.
- Do you view kids as manipulators or as simply responding to the world around them in the only way they know how? In order words do you believe at the core they are motivated to really sabotage you or again or they lashing out because of what situation they are in?
The bottomline is this. We need to take some breaths and pause before we react in anger at situations that may either drive as to want to figuratively fight our way in or may make us want to flee the situation and even maybe the relationship as a whole.

This is a really simple and short episode today, but nevertheless a powerful one to think about to hopefully change how you feel about the situations with kids and your spouse that come up from time to time.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the Valentines Family tradition. Not only should Valentines Day celebrate each other as spouses but should incorporate the kids as well. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Valentine’s Day over the years has gotten a bad rap as has ever other holiday for being over commercialized. And the reality is that yes there probably is some truth to that. But nevertheless it should be viewed as an important day especially in the life of the blended family.
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love and so it could be argued that this day is needed in the life of the blended family maybe more than any other day.
It is needed because love in a blended family unfortunately does not come naturally like it does in the biological family. In the biological or first marriage, love especially from parent to child is typically built in and while it should be nurtured of course, that sometimes it can just exist without much watering of the garden.
Not so in blended families. Every chance you get you should work to encourage that love to grow, and again what better way than to take advantage of Valentine’s Day.
As you probably know Valentine’s Day occurs every year in the United States and in other parts of the world on February 14. It is a day where loved ones will give each other gifts like cards, flowers, and candy.
There are some different accounts of how Valentines Day started and one of the more interesting involved poet Geoffrey Chaucer. He was from England and lived in medieval times. His most famous work is the Canterbury Tales.
In 1735 Chaucer wrote a poem called “The Parliament of Foules” and in it he referred to February 14 as the day of the St. Valentines feast day where people come to find a mate. So there is a thought this day grew out of a fictional day written about in a poem almost 300 years ago.
Certainly my fondest memories of Valentines Day as a child were the exchanging of Valentines Day cards at school. Of course they were store bought and varied using across various animated themes like princesses, super heroes and other cartoons.
Our teacher would usually ask us to bring a tissue box from home and then we would decorate it however we wanted. The purpose of the box was to hold all of the cards we might get as we exchanged them with fellow students.
Brian confesses in elementary school that he could not wait for one or maybe two different girls to give him a card if he had the so called “crush” on them.
Heather’s fondest memory was very similar and it was about the exchange of cards with classmates and the excitement that came along with that.
What about some Valentine’s Day traditions do we celebrate now? Something we decided a long time ago is that we would spend Valentine’s Day at home. When our daughter was home we might all talk about what to make usually would involve a steak or other nice cut of meat and some good sides.
We would set up a card table in the living room with a nice table cloth and maybe a candle or something in the middle. So it really did feel like we eating out but were not fighting the crowds. It was a nice simple intimate dinner with all of us as a family just sharing our love for one another.
What are some of your Valentines Day traditions as a child? How about some of the things you did in your first marriage? What about now? Have you carried over some similar traditions from your past or do you have new ones? Post these in the Remarried Life Facebook group as we would love to see some of the different things you do.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how an increase in disagreements and arguing can often be a result of some voices from your childhood. Feeling like you don’t measure up to your spouse or that your spouse does not care often will be magnified because someone in your past either said these things or made you feel this way. We will talk about this and what to do about it. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Have you noticed an increase in arguments with your spouse over seemingly small and insignificant issues? You both cover the same ground over and over again without getting anywhere.
If this is you then you are not alone. This happens to most if not all couples. It can especially happen in a remarriage, because you have much more life experience and issues you have been through.
It happens to my wife and me in our relationship. In fact the main reason, we choose to do this episode is because we had a whopper of an argument over something so seemingly small. But when we investigated further when we were in a more calm space we discovered something very interesting.
My wife and I discovered, as she would say things to me in the argument like “I guess I am to blame, I am no good, I don’t measure up, I need to change, It’s all my fault” that these words were not fully coming from me.
Then I in turn said things like, “I guess you don’t care, You don’t see my hurt, I’m not the priority” and the list goes on. The more I dug and processed through where this was coming from I also discovered my wife was not saying these things to me.
We can often say things like this is how you made me feel. And certainly this is not to dismiss when we are being attacked or talked down to of course. Words and interactions with our spouse can certainly hurt.
However, when we are saying things like “you made me feel” this can come from a place in your past.
It might come from a past spouse that actually said things to you like you are no good or you are worthless. The more things like this are said the more it can cause us to really start to believe these things about ourselves.
Returning back to my wife and I and the argument we had over this past weekend, we really did discover that each of us have some voices from the past that played a role in what happened.
The issue started innocently enough. We were at a restaurant and finishing up our meal. I said I need to use the restroom. She said, “can’t you just wait until we get home.” She detected a stern tone and I also detected an edge to her response. And from there we were off to the races. We argued a bit about the issue then the argument turned deeper.
I started to ask her to speak differently. She took that as I was trying to tell her how to speak. I explained that I was not trying to tell her how to speak but more explaining how it helps me. She continued to state that it felt like she was being how to speak and from there it was “I guess I am the problem in this relationship” and I responded with “I guess you just don’t care about me.”
The next day when we were a bit more calm we started to process through what happened. I would love to tell you that it went smoothly. It did not. We began to swirl about 3 or 4 times over the same ground. I don’t know about my wife but I could feel the anger inside my body starting to well up again. Because it was a slightly more calm space, I was able to more quickly came myself but it was as if waves kept coming and going along the shore.
We were not really getting anywhere until I said something like, “When you say things like, you don’t think I measure up to you,” I said those words are not coming from me. I asked her where those words in her head came from.
She then proceeded to tell me that growing up she would often be told she couldn’t do certain things. She specifically told me when it came to choosing a career, she had several areas in mind. But she was often told there were reasons why she should not pursue certain careers.
She began to then think very small. Those thoughts about doing something safe with her career began to seep into who she was. So in turn she started to think somewhat small of herself. And thus the sprouting of where this view of herself came from.
For me, I grew up in a split house. My parents divorced around the time I was about 2 years old. The relationship from then on between my parents was very contentious. They spent a lot of time arguing about finances and time. Then things boiled over at the time I was around 13. I won’t go into the story here in great detail because it was take some time, but needless to say that was the last time I would see my father for maybe 7-8 years.
Before this happened and after, I began to feel that I was a bit invisible. My parents to me felt more concerned to concentrate on their feelings toward each other than on me. So in the most formative time of my life I did not have a father and I distinctly remembering on occasion if my mother would like to play a board game or some cards and I was mostly told that she was too busy.
I then began to feel that “no one cares about me” or that “I am not the priority” or “does anyone see me or hear me.” And thus the sprouting of some ill feelings about myself.
So as you can see, when one person who doesn’t feel like they measure meets someone that feels like the other does not care it can often fuel silly little surface arguments.
So what should you do about this? I don’t have a list of things for you to consider or do like I usually do, but it is very simple. When things are calm, I want you to process through a past argument and try to determine what the voices in your head or saying to you about yourself and then work to understand where those came from.
If you can do this, then in your next argument you start to realize that it is not necessarily things your spouse is saying to you but more about what others have said to you.
This will take some time and some stops and starts to get where you need to be, but it should help.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the dreaded family meeting. You have all kinds of chaos between your spouse, the ex-kids, the kids, and the stepkids. You are saying one thing, your spouse is saying another, you had various kids arguing and fighting with each other. It probably feels like everyone is being pulled into many directions. Let’s talk about what to do and what not to do in a family meeting. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You have probably had those moments where chaos is reigning in the home. No one is listening to anyone and you feel like you are losing your group and can’t keep it. Sometimes it feels like the dam that has sprung so many leaks that it is just humanly impossible to contain it all.
You do your best to have discussions with your spouse to work on alleviating the issues. You probably separately pull aside each child to get their version of events. You have discussions with an ex-spouse about helping you handle the kids.
You do all of this and nothing changes, no one seems to listen and maybe situations get worse. So what in the world do you do?
Like lots of people you could say, “you know I’ve been divorced before, and made it through.” “I can do it again.” We have all been there for sure even in our subsequent marriages. We get so angry and so frustrated that we just think wouldn’t life be so much easier if I was on my own?
Often though we can’t because as a human species, we were built for companionship and so we want to keep working at it. Which is surely a good thing but maybe you are going about it in the wrong way.
Rather than trying to work on issues separately, have you ever thought about trying out a family meeting? I can already hear the groans, because you may have been through something like this before and know that everyone hates them. Parents hate feeling like the bad guy and the kids don’t want to listen and feel like they are being piled on.
So let’s talk about some new and different ways to handle a family meeting. Here are some helpful tips that might make your meetings go much better than ones that you have had before.
- Hold them somewhat regularly. In doing so it because a bit more routine and it takes the sting or fear in doing them. I mean if you only schedule them when there is a crisis or something hits the proverbial fan then of course your family won’t like them. Weekly seems like a lot so maybe monthly to start and then adjust from there.
- Start the meeting by celebrating the good! Make sure that throughout the month you tracking the good that you, your spouse, and your kids are doing whether it be in interactions, chores, homework, academic or sports achievements. Then work to highlight as least one positive for each person.
- Spend some time talking about the family news and let everyone process together. For example maybe grandma has gotten ill and the family had to make the decision to help her enter into assisted living. Have the family talk about this and what it has been like. Even discussing what she might mean to each family member can sometimes be helpful in connecting everyone.
- Talk about the bad. This is the area that most people think of when it comes to family meetings. This has certainly been true for a long time. Usually the only time gatherings are called impromptu are when something has figuratively blown up. If this is all the meeting consists of you can bet emotions will run high and you might even deal with shutting down. But chances are better in this area if the bad only takes part of the meeting
- Allow for each person to share something good that happened and something they struggle with. You will of course get your introverted child that won’t want to share and that is okay. Keep offering it up every time.
- When someone is sharing especially a struggle, ask them if they need help solving the struggle. If they say yes I need help, then throw it out to the group to see what others might suggest. This can help build teamwork and connection.
- Rotate who leads. This is simply one person facilitating moving the discussion from one subject to the next.
- Talk about goals. What meeting would be complete without talking about the future of each individual and the future of the family unit.
- Involve Food! What meeting would be complete without having some food. Maybe you could revolve dinner around the meeting or even just some snacks. You could get creative and have one person come with something to make for the meeting.
- Have Fun.
If you give these things a try, your discussions will hopefully go much better. It could take some time though so be sure to be patient.
And then of course have fun with it!

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.

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Brian Mayer talks about being nice to your family including your stepkids even when you feel like they don’t deserve. Heap burning coals on their heads is a biblical reference to doing kind things for your enemies. The burning coals is supposed to awaken those that you are being nice to how to act differently toward you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

I so get the thought of why should I be nice to them if they are not nice to me. You mostly likely are in a blended family where you feel that one or more of the stepkids don’t like you.
Now it could truly be a dislike for you or most likely it could be a dislike for the situation. Whatever it is, it still probably feels like the former where the brunt of an issue that a stepchild has is with you.
My wife certainly experienced this with my biological daughter. At times she wouldn’t listen to my wife, would act rudely, or often just shut down. At the time my wife took this very personally. She would have moments where she would try to be the bigger person but oh so often she did not.
It was just a tough situation all the way around for both. My wife would often come to me asking how in the world should she even handle this situation because it often didn’t matter what she tried, be nice as pie, be stern, or be cold. Whichever way she went she was just not getting the response she needed.
However my wife did come to the realize that because she was the adult that she had to be the one to come forward often toward my daughter in order for their to be at least some sort of relationship.
This is where the title of the episode comes in. You might be wondering what the phrase “heap burning coals on their head came from. In the bible it says “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head.” Proverbs 25:21-22 NIV.
Wow heaping burning coals on someone’s head doesn’t sound like a nice thing to do. But according to the meaning of this phrase it does refer to something more positive that what it sounds.
The heaping of burning coals really refers to getting them to awaken to what you are doing. It will help to stir to a different way of being or doing. So it is not meant to harm but is more meant for their good.
Now I would assume this was never actually done to anyone for the express purpose of getting them to change their ways, but probably more a metaphor. But who knows it could like the whole sort of walking on coals things were there are reports that if you can mentally calm yourself that walking on hot coals won’t affect you. I don’t know that I would want to try that just like I don’t think I would want to take a hot bucket of coals and dump it on someone’s head.
But as difficult as it sometimes is, being nice to your stepchildren in spite of what you get back can hopefully produce some more positive results longerm.
Think about it in a few different ways:
- You are training these children even though some are not yours biologically to function in society when they become adults.
- This is not going to last forever. This too shall pass, which interestingly is not actually in the Bible, meaning that your time will eventually come to an end as they move on with their lives.
- Being nice sometimes can release anger. I know I am hitting on biblical references a lot today, but I love the passage in Romans that says “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay’” says the Lord. Romans 12:19. Or how about the song called “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen. However you slice sometime repaying evil with good will take the weight of anger off of you.
- Do something nice not worrying about the consequences. If you spend your time thinking that you should get a certain way of acting back from a stepchild then this will very quickly stop you from doing nice things.
- Envision them thanking you when they are 30 years old. This is a long ways away but once they get some adult years under their belt and their brain has fully formed (around age 25) you might actually get a thank you for what you did.
This episode is really just meant to encourage you to keep going even when it is tough. Sometimes this thing feels like you are out in the Alaskan wildnerness, cold and frostbitten with many miles to go. But as was said in the great movie “The Shawshank Redemption, ” “you better get busy living or get busy dying.” You will surely mentally and emotionally die if you repay bad deeds with more bad. Now of course I am not talking about discipline for sure. Kids do need to be held accountable for their actions, but if you can peer into what is wrong it can often bring you closer together.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about what we have all been through and that’s dealing with an ex-spouse who runs a much different family dynamic or parenting style than you. Usually the differences center around the relationship with the children, the rules like bedtimes, mealtimes, and homework. We will talk today about how to deal with this situation in the best way possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Once you get divorced, you know that part of your child’s life that is spent with the other parent is likely to be very different than the way they spend their life with you.
Sometimes the differences revolve around relationship and rules balance. You might think that you have a nice balance of making sure your child knows you love and care about them but that there are also rules and expectations.
Often you might feel like the rules and relationships is out of balance with your ex-spouse. For some reason and I don’t have any data to back this up, but often I hear from folks that they feel like the ex-spouse favors relationship over rules.
Hearing things like bedtimes are whenever they want to be is a common refrain. Or maybe eating habits at the other home is less healthy. How about the kids being to watch whatever they want whenever they want is another very common issue.
So great now what to do you do. I’ll give a few helpful tips but the very short of all of this is that there may not be much you can do that will be effective in changing anything that is going on at the other parents home.
Of course if you believe you children are being abused verbally, physically, or sexually then by all means of course you have to report that and get your children to safety.
But if this is not present then here are some things you can do but once again be surprised if things change but expect that they won’t.
Here are some tips and these are assuming you are able to speak to your ex-spouse:
- First explain that the issues you want to discuss are a result of wanting the best for the children you both share.
- Explain that consistency is the best way that both sides can have an easier time with the transition.
- Politely, ask if your children have trouble adjusting when they go to your ex-spouse’s home. You can advise that there is trouble adjusting. If there is trouble adjusting then it could be an easier discussion into what could help since there is trouble on both ends.
- Politely, ask you ex-spouse if the child’s bedtimes could remain consistent across both households. Of course if weekends are a part of the child’s time at one or the other’s home then of course there may be days where it is different.
- Watch your anger because no doubt it will crop up. If you let your anger get the best of you, it will often negate the advances you are trying to make.
- Ask your ex-spouse what you might be able to change on your end to make things better.
- Remember that all requests made by you or your ex-spouse can either be responded to in one of three ways. They can be met completely, met with a compromise, or not met at all. So once again keep this in mind when you are asking for something
Most of all good luck because sometimes it might feel like you are trying hit a moving target.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how technology, screen time, and social media can secretly and silently destroy your connection with your stepfamily. We will talk about this and some strategies to reduce this as an issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Over the last decade we have all become familiar with how technology like smartphones, tablets and other devices have eroded time together as a family and causes issues for individuals even beyond the family.
There are differing studies on the issues, but the average screen time a teenager spends every day is around 6 hours. If you take away the time we need to sleep which is usually around 7-9 hours, this means that 6 out of 15-17 hours a teenager is awake they are on the phone.
You might thing that teenagers spend much more time in front of a screen, but according to many studies of adults, it appears that on average adults might spend around 11 hours in front of a screen. Of course some of this could be work related, but still this is an incredible amount of time.
Now to be clear all use of technology is not bad. Because of the way the world operates now, sometimes there is not much we can do about. For example determining the hours a restaurant is open is much easier to check on the internet than to make a call to determine this.
What about using apps that make video calls so that loved ones can connect in a more face to face manner even though it is through the screen.
Now while screentime can be beneficial it can often be a hindrance to connection. This is no more of an important issue that those of us that exist in a blended family.
With connection between stepparents and stepchildren or between step siblings already tenuous at best, we need all the help we can get to strengthen those connections. Unfortunately kids and screens whether they voluntarily use them or a parent is asking them to get on a screen because the child is “bored” is getting in the way of already frayed connections.
Let’s talk about some ways that we can reduce screen time and some suggestions for what can be done instead.
- Give some advance notice that you have made a decision that screen time should be reduced. So maybe one week prior and for each day make an announcement that screen time will soon be required to be reduced.
- Setting limits on screen time is important but you must go slowly. Unfortunately screen time is somewhat like an addiction. You may have seen meltdowns on the internet which kids are asked to put down the screens and games. So maybe you start with a 15 min block of time once a day for a week to ask everyone to put away screens.
- You could even not do this everyday, but say every other day or once every 3 days if you would like.
- Everyone should participate even the adults. This probably goes without saying, but there is slightly higher likelihood that the children will fall in line if they see you practicing what you are telling them to do. Now notice I said slightly and in some cases there is potential this will not work and the children will still be angry.
- Each person in the family has their own day where they have to reduce screen time as another option. So for example, maybe your day is Mondays to limit. Maybe your spouse takes Tuesdays. Then you stepson takes Wednesdays, and your daughter takes Thursdays. This will actually help put the spotlight on one family member to know that they are in some ways being watched. Of course reward the individual with lots of compliments if you “catch” them on your day.
- Substituting screen time for something else is also important. Games that involve the entire family can be helpful.
- Chores that each child must complete first before screen time can help to limit the amount of time on the screen.
- Implementing a physical fitness routine is also important.
- - According to the USDA, adults should do at least 2 hours and 30 minutes of aerobic physical activity at a moderate level or about 1 hour and 15 minutes at a vigorous level.
  - For kids between the ages of 6-17 years old, they recommend 60 minutes or more of physical activity a day. There should be muscle building activity as well.
This is not going to be easy because as we know, humans are generally averse to change. Kids are especially prone to have difficulty with change. So again to repeat take this slow and give lots of advance warning that changes will be made.
The changes you make now can work to strength everyone’s social, intellectual, emotional and physical well-being.
Okay so I am going to practice what I teach by wrapping up this episode and going to do what I love and that is go for a run. It is a bit chilly but hopefully within a few minutes of starting I will get nice and toasty.
Good luck with your work to help reduce screen time and begin to strengthen connections in your stepfamily.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how the human brain will filter something the eyes see and the ears hear into something that maybe is not really there. It is called making assumptions. When we see our spouse say or do something, we will often unknowingly ascribe meanings that may or may not be true. We will talk about this and what to do instead. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know the old cliché about what assumptions do? That make a “blank” out of you and me.
So what exactly is an assumption? The dictionary says something like, “something that is accepted as true or certain to happen, without proof.”
Now this is certainly tricky, because for sure sometime what we will assume will happen does actually happen but sometimes it does not.
Additionally, in our relationship with our spouse sometimes your reaction to what you perceive you are seeing in your spouse will actually draw that reaction you are believing will happen even more.
An example, of this might happen when you sense a change in tone or bodily language in your partner, and you brain senses anger. You then might comment on how angry your partner sounds. What happens next is your spouse gets angry whether they truly were or not. You then might respond by saying, “yep I knew you were angry and sure enough there it is.” So in this example, you made an assumption then stoked the fires where it came out anyway or came out even more magnified.
Our brains are like computers processing information at lightning speed. This is most helpful most of the time specifically if we are in danger. For example we want our brain to be quick if a vehicle traveling toward us crosses the center line. We need to be able to react quickly.
Apparently a study by MIT scientists found that our brain processes images that we see in about 13 milliseconds. Did you know that the blink of an eye takes about a tenth of a second? I do even really know how to do the math on that, but your brain processes visual information much quicker than the blink of an eye.
Our brain process information we hear a bit slower than what we see at 0.05 seconds which is half the time it takes to blink your eyes!
So what exactly does this mean? It means your brain processes what it believes your partner is doing or saying so quickly before it probably has all the information it needs to make an informed choice. Which really isn’t all bad except for how we decide to act on the information.
I see this lightning speed of processing what we see and hear and how we act in my office with couples quite often. If I am not quick to intervene, the couples can sometimes descend down into a rabbit hole of anger, frustration, and bitterness to an ultimately cold iciness.
Why does all of this happen? Lots of reasons. Here are some of the most common:
- Past experiences with our current partner. The longer you are together the more your brain will process what it believes to be true about your partner. It’s like you brain says, “yep seen and heard this before…and we know what is coming next.”
- Past experiences in past romantic relationships. Sometimes something our current partner does will remind of us something similar that a past partner has done.
- Childhood experiences and environment. There is a well known assessment called ACES which stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences and the more of these things that we have like divorce in our family, abuse, a parent going to jail, or several other issues can predict our difficulty in dealing with issues in our current relationships.
- Genetics and the hardwiring we are all born with can also impact how we view and see the world. It is still unclear exactly how much weighs heavier whether it be nature which is genetics that are passed down and the nuture piece which is affected by how we have been treated in relationships in our past.
- Finally, our own choices over time can impact what we do going forward. Sort of like our habits. The more we respond to something in a similar way, the more easy it becomes to keep responding in a similar way.
So then how do we deal with all that lays behind us when it comes to genetics, environment and our past choices. Let’s talk about some things you can to reduce your assumption making machine.
Hey are my suggestions:
- Take a breath before you respond. This will give you time to slow your thinking down.
- Instead of responding with an answer, a retort, or some defensive response, I would like you to respond with an open ended question. My favorite open ended question or really is more of a statement is something like, “Tell me more about that.” People usually eat that up especially when you say it with interest. It invites them to explain more while giving you more time to thing through your response.
- If you find yourself getting upset, Ask yourself what is triggering you.
- Call it out when you are getting irritated. Saying something like “I’m getting upset probably for some dumb reason, so hang in with me while I reel my brain back in.” As you are saying something like this you might realize that the reason you are mad at your partner’s desire to buy a new car is because you have a great anxiety over money for example.
How about what you think might help? I am sure you have some methods or maybe even some things you have done to help with making assumptions. Post those in The Remarried Life Facebook group! See the link below.
Remember the goal with watching your assumptions is not necessarily to change your partner and what they say and do. It is more to help you with your negative emotions and negative thoughts toward your partner.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Later Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters: Contact and Resolution.
The later stage is what we are all trying to achieve. I am a Cincinnati Reds baseball fan and former color commentator Joe Nuxhall used to say and the end of every broadcast, “Rounding Third and Heading for Home.” This is where we are in this stage. Heading toward to home stretch with victory in sight!
- In chapter 1 of the Later Stage, Papernow describes a Contact chapter. The agreements have now been made and while things are not perfect, it is like the family has now reached for even ground after climbing from the pit and are positioned to begin the climb up the mountain. Relationships between spouses and children now become sources of positivity and encouragement. More clearly defined roles are now present and so the relationships can now be the focus rather than the issues and disagreements.
- In the final chapter, Resolution occurs. A new history and a new normal begins to develop. Although some of the children may still not feel as much of a part of the family as others in this stage some acceptance has occurred. Major disagreements like custody arrangements, who will handle expenses has either been resolved or seem less volatile.
Check out Episode 120 when we discussed the Early Stages of Stepfamily development which involve Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
In the next episode 121 we will discuss the Middle Stage of Stepfamily development which involve Mobilization and Action chapters. So check that one out as well in case you missed it.
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Summary
Brian Mayer over the next 3 weeks will be talking about the stages of stepfamily development. These stages were developed by Patricia Papernow, Ed.D. We will walk through the early stages in the first episode, the middle stages in the second episode, and the later stages in the third episode of this series. The broad view of this series is to understand that there are steps that the life of the stepfamily will take and that patience is needed to see them all unfold. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Middle Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters if you will: Mobilization and Action chapters.
According to Papernow the middle stage can be quite chaotic and often fueled by lots of conflict. The differences used to simmer below the surface are now coming forth a bit more often and with more severity.
- The Mobilization chapter is marked by the couple in particular will fight over seemingly small matters but in reality it is something else at play. The fights are more about making changes. These changes are extremely uncomfortable at times and will generate disagreements over the smallest matters such as where is it best to hang a picture in the living room or maybe even like what photos to display.
- The Action chapter is all about negotiation. It is lots of discussion about how best the family should operate and what types of boundary lines should be drawn. When these boundary lines are drawn then every member of the family can better understand their roles and how to function in the family.
Check out Episode 120 when we discussed the Early Stages of Stepfamily development which involve Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
In the final Episode 122 of the series we will discuss the Later Stage of Stepfamily development which involve the Contact Stage and the Resolution Stage
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Today's Goodies

If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time you know that we talk a lot about patience in the journey that your stepfamily is taking. Sometimes we get so caught in the agony and pain of the moment that it is hard to see through to what is next or what is possible.
In this 3 part series we will be taking a look at this journey and what it commonly looks like for most families. This will hopefully give you a good sense of what to expect as your stepfamily matures.
In these episodes we will be using Patricia Papernow’s 3 stages of stepfamily development as the backdrop for our discussion today. She breaks it down into Early, Middle, and Later Stages.
In today’s episode we will be talking about the Early Stage. In this stage she further divides this into the chapters if you will: Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness.
As you know, in the early stages there is not much trust and a definite feeling around for each person’s place in this new family. Pain and hurt is probably common. Present alliances are strong and new ones seem like a pipe dream.
- In chapter 1 of the Early Stage, Papernow describes a Fantasy chapter. In this period, the adult main focus is to heal the past pain and will generally be viewing this new situation as a value add to their lives. Children in this stage often see things completely the opposite. They will often wish their parents were back together and simply do not like or understand this new situation.
- The Immersion chapter happens when conflict begins to happen between biological families. All sorts of emotions like anger, jealousy, and bitterness start to set in during this time. Children begin to feel caught in the middle.
- The Awareness chapter begins as the fantasy wears off and reality sets in. Life starts to get hard and conflict begins to happen especially between new spouses. If the family can begin to embrace a new normal then often the fantasy and immersion stages can be put behind in order to move toward the middle stages.
In the next episode 121 we will discuss the Middle Stage of Stepfamily development which involve Mobilization and Action chapters.
In the final episode 122 of the series we will discuss the Later Stage of Stepfamily development which involve the Contact Stage and the Resolution Stage
Just remember to be patient. The difficulties you may be facing you family are temporary. You will move along and some challenges will disappear and others will appear.
According to Papernow, stepfamilies who move through all 3 stages do so in about 4 years. The average time for most stepfamilies is 7 years and some can take as long as 12 years. Unfortunately some stepfamilies end in divorce, others can get stuck in the early stages, and a small number complete the whole cycle.
It appears that those who complete the cycle, tend to negotiate the early stages quicker.

Resources:

Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses the concept of boundaries in relationships or how to set limits without feeling guilty. Boundaries are easy to talk about but more difficult to implement. It takes practice and lots of encouraging support. You will learn how to set appropriate boundaries so you can live a life of freedom. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the concept of Boundaries in Relationships in regard to a subsequent marriage that affects more people like biological and step children.
What is a Boundary? A boundary is simply a property line to keep what is yours in and what is not yours out. Think of houses and the property lines that are drawn around each home.
The history around Boundaries started several decades ago when research around how to help people with addictions took off. This research began to take a look at the family system and found enabling behaviors by other family members. This can also be called Co-Dependency.
Out of this co-dependency movement specifically related to addictions, came the term Boundaries and began to be applied to all relationship issues not just addiction issue.
A very helpful book about this topic is simply called Boundaries: How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They have also written one specific to marriages called Boundaries in Marriage.
When healthy boundaries are not in place it can cause issues like depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger. By not implementing an appropriate boundary, you are replacing a temporary discomfort with a more permanent pain.
Boundaries sound easy in theory, but are hard to implement. When we first try to install a boundary on someone that is encroaching we can feel guilty or like we are a bad person. Sometimes we also have this mentality that we must be all things to all people and that is how the Golden Rule works – Do Unto Others as You Would have done to You. However, if you are not healthy first then you are no good to someone else. You will ultimately burn-out if you do not install good boundaries.
Myths of Boundaries According to Cloud and Townsend:
- I am selfish if I install a boundary.
- I am being disobedient if I say No.
- If I set limits, I will be hurt
- I will hurt others
- I’m angry
- I should feel guilty or bad
- Boundaries are Permanent
Learning to not feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example, the kids being bored is not your responsibility. Now of course day after day, if you never do anything with them then yes that is a problem. But the fact is that they are responsible for how they feel. If we do not allow them to learn to pull themselves out a funk, then they will be stunted in their growth as adults.
Can Love and Boundaries Exist Together: Yes they can. In fact, boundaries actually signal that love exists. Implementing Boundaries shows the other person under what parameters that love can flourish. Inside the boundaries amazing things will happen, outside the boundaries is where individuals can work on themselves.
How Do Implement a Boundary Successfully?
You are One Step Closer because you are listening to this podcast
Get Support. Either find a group or ask a close friend. Role play setting boundaries by being both the boundary setter and the one for whom the boundary is being set.
Do not beat yourself up when you try to set boundaries initially. You may fail and you probably will fail. Boundary setting is a process. You will receive much resistance at first because people will not be used to this.
Final Thoughts:
Practice, practice, practice
Know that boundaries will help keep you healthy and in turn will help others recognize how to keep themselves healthy. Think about the
Expect failure and grow from it.

Resources Mentioned

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

The above resources are affiliate links, which means that The Remarried Life Podcast receives a percentage of the sale. Your cost does not change. By purchasing these items you are helping cover the cost of expenses to produce this podcast. Thanks in advance for your continued support of the podcast!
Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how food can play a significant role in your family bonding. He certainly is talking about overeating, but more about the connection that food can bring. We all need it, so why not make it fun. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com
Today's Goodies

Today we are going to talk about food. We all love it, maybe sometimes a bit too much. We all need it. In fact in general most studies show we can go about 30 days and that’s it. Most of us probably feel like we can’t even skip a meal let alone 30 days.
Today we are going to talk about food and the way in which it connects people and more importantly a family.
Before we talk about that here are some funny quotes surrounding food and people that I love:
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments” Chris Rock
- “You better cut the pizza is four slices because I’m not hungry enough to eat six” Yogi Berra
- “Food is not just eating energy. It’s an experience.” Guy Fieri
- “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate” Jo Brand
Some of my favorite memories about growing up in blended family situations involved food.
- My mom made the best peanut butter fudge. The creamiest, most sweet, most hearty thing on the planet. To this day, I don’t really care too much for chocolate fudge, but peanut butter fudge is an entirely different story.
- My stepmom made lots of good meals but the one that stood out the most was probably the most simple. She would put a hot dog on a piece of bread, put a slit down the middle, fill it with a slice of cheese, fold it together with a toothpick, and bake it in the oven. I remember salivating as I watched the crust get golden brown and the cheese bubble.
- The first meal my wife ever cooked was chicken enchiladas. You have no idea how much I appreciated this and how good it made me feel. There was only one issue and in hind sight something I should never have brought up! The chicken tasted like it might have been freezer burned. I said something like I think something is wrong with the chicken, not realizing that she might take this to mean her cooking was the problem. Needless to say I haven’t lived that one down.
I’m sure you probably have lots of stories about how food has played a special part in your life. Whether it be things about how you grew up or in your current family.
Food often accompanies happy times like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and so many others milestone events.
It’s also used as a comfort after funerals as well.
There is just something about how food does unite us, and who doesn’t need that at this time in history when it feels like we are so divided.
I would encourage you to make food a part of your family as a way to connect stepkids with each other, with the step parent and even with the biological parent.
One way in which we did that involved my daughter as a teenager. As I remember we would ask her to cook one meal a night and it could be something of her creation. She made something with pork, green beans, coconut milk and some other spices and veggies. It was delicious!
What are you doing to use food as a way to connect each other? Here are some ideas:
- Just like we did, assign the kids especially if they are teenagers to cook one meal a week. If you have more than one teen, you can have them do it together as a team or you could rotate and have a different child every week
- Involve the kids in meal planning. Give them some say in some of the foods you prepare. Of course, you may not want to have gummy bears for dinner one night but see if they can come up with an idea for a tasty side dish. Then name it after that child. For example, maybe it’s Jacob’s Creamy Sweet Potato Casserole or Megan’s Cooked Carrots and Brown Sugar. Feel free to be even more creative than that.
- If they come up with a meal or a side dish, then have them go with you to the store to buy the specific ingredients. Talk to them about cost and amounts that are needed.
- Enroll your child into a kids cooking class. These classes are designed to be fun and interactive. A quick search on the internet will locate many of these especially if you live in a decent sized city.
- Find a local farm that allows visits and gives tours so that kids better understand where the food comes from.
- Visit a farmers market and have the kids pick out the fresh vegetables and fruits and other items needed to make dishes of theirs or your selections.
Of course lots of kids give resistance when it comes to this idea, so make sure to make it as fun and interactive as you can.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks to Ron Deal, Greg Pettys, and David Edwards about their new book called The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning. As we discuss all the time complications in blended families are a given. Finances is a subject for blended families that is no different. Today we have a great interview lined up with all 3 authors that we are excited to bring to you. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Ron Deal: founder of Smart Stepfamilies, director of FamilyLife Blended for Family Life, author of many books for stepfamilies. He is also a licensed marriage and family therapist and popular speaker
Greg Pettys has well over 30 years of experience with securities and life insurance and regularly speaks with Ron at his events
David Edwards is an estate planning and elder law attorney who also speaks at Ron’s Smart Stepfamily events.
Here are the questions we will be tackling on today’s episode:
- What inspired the three of you to team up to write a book for stepfamilies and financial planning?
- Trust is a big issue for couples in remarriage because of past hurts. What would you say to a couple where one or both are very timid to want to even move forward with financial planning together because they have a fear of being hurt again?
- Talk About the Groundwork Couples in Blended Families Should lay Before proceeding to Planning Including Values About Money (i.e. a spender versus a saver, money as security versus money as enjoyment, Dave Ramsey calls them Nerds versus Free Spirits etc).
- What is the “Togetherness Agreement” and Why is it Important
- Discuss the importance of Merging and the Concept of the “Three Pots of Money”
- What are a couple of the most common issues that come up with a former spouse when it comes to financial planning in a new family?
- What are the most important things to consider with financial planning when it comes to the kids in the blended family?
- Let’s Talk About Retirement. You Talk About a 5 Step Process. What are some important concepts to consider in this process?
- What else have we not covered that would be important for my listeners to know about stepfamilies and financial planning?
- What is the best way for listeners to pick up a copy of your book?
- Any other resources that either you or others have produced that would be helpful for the listeners?

Resources:

The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning
10 tips to Avoid Money Drama in a Blended Family
Family Life – Blended Families

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Session 116: Are you a Chaser or a Defender in Conflict (Nov 12, 2019)

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about conflict and disagreements between spouses in a remarriage. The roles we each play in conflict can create some negative cycles that can make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. We will talk about what the chaser does and what the defender does and some of the negative cycles it creates. We will also talk about some ways to change what we do in conflict to help create more positive cycles of connection. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You have heard the phrase opposites attract. Well this is much debated in relationships but there does seem to be at least anecdotal evidence at least in my counseling practice for the opposite ways that partners in a relationship handle conflict.
Some differences include things like:
- One person having difficulty getting over issues in the past versus one partner that wants to move forward and keep an eye on the future.
- One partner might easily be able to ask for forgiveness and one partner is not easily able to do this.
- Along the same lines, sometimes one partner can admit when they have done something wrong while the other partner cannot.
- Some in a relationship view themselves as unable to measure up or failing while maybe the other partner has a view of others that they are always out to get them.
- One partner freely trusts while another says trust must be earned.
- Finally, one of you may be a chaser in conflict and one of you may be a defender and this what we will talk about today.
Let’s start by talking about this chaser/defender dynamic and that common appearance in relationship. Studies show that about 80% of relationship have one person who is a chaser and one person who is a defender. Probably 10% of the time a relationship has 2 chasers and the other 10% have 2 defenders.
What is a Chaser? A chaser in conflict is generally the person who bring up issues or problems in a relationship much more often. They see the rooms aren’t clean, their partner doesn’t spend enough time with them, or maybe they state their partner does not help with the kids enough. Now maybe these issues are present but what make a chaser a chaser is that they will freely bring issues up. I once heard a chaser could be referred to as “Mr. or Mrs. Blameypants.”
What is a Defender? A defender is the person in the relationship that spends their time deflecting, shutting down, minimizing, or withdrawing from conflict. A defender can be seen as the one who does not care, doesn’t appear to believe that their partner matters. Another way I like to describe the Defender is that they are the “Dodgeball Artist.”
So what is generally going on below the surface for a chaser? Well like we said a moment ago on the surface the Chaser appears to be critical, blaming, and sometimes like an attorney looking for clarity and answers. However below the surface they are looking for connection and engagement. They are attempting to bring their partner closer.
What is going on below the surface for a defender? A defender while giving the appearance they don’t care, just wants peace. When conflict happens they feel uneasy, anxious and overwhelmed so they may attempt to shut down the conflict as soon as possible.
The methods a chaser and a defender are simply ways they have each learned to keep the relationship feeling safe. But as you can see usually the opposite happens when each goes into their sort of default methods of operation.
This can create several cycles of conflict that can ultimately make the couple feel disengaged. They include:
- Blamer/Defender which is exactly what it sounds like.
- Attack/Attack: This one happens when a Defender rises up and may begin to counterblame thus escalating the dialogue.
- Withdraw/Withdraw: This cycle occurs because the blamer finally gives up in trying to reach for the Defender. Worst case is that they could disengage from the relationship completely.
- Flip of Blamer/Defender: This cycle can occur when the Chaser gives up completely and the Defender begins the pursuit to save the relationship.
So what to do and how to combat these roles and cycles:
- First become aware of whether you are a Chaser or a Defender
- Understand the moves you make that actually push your partner to move too strongly toward you or too strongly away from you.
- If you are Chaser, you goal is to SOFTEN your pursuit. This might mean watching your harshness, tone or frequency of blaming
- If you are a Defender your goal is to REENGAGE by hanging in there when you hear your partner making a request. Trying to hear the request behind anxious pursuit.
- Give your cycles nicknames and call them out when you see them happen. Often this can feel less intense that calling out your partner for something that is bothersome to you.
The bottomline is that you will have a default way of operating and when you get stressed it will tend to come out. It takes time to work to reduce your tendancies. And additionally conflict is going to happen and you will never fully rid yourself of these cycles but the goal is to reduce the frequency and severity.
Take it little by little and don’t beat yourself or each up for playing these roles or getting into these cycles but look at the cycle as the bad guy and sometimes it can make it easier to correct. .

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about giving the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. What exactly does this mean? It means when your spouse does something that is not to your liking, we should work to assume the best in their motives. Of course this doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye toward something that happens over and over again but it means doing our best to believe the best about our spouse. This can often lift our own attitudes and moods about ourselves, our spouse and our relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Do you believe the best in your spouse or assume the worst? This is a tricky area for sure but if you are able to spend most of your time believing in the best in your spouse it can often mean a better relationship.
No doubt you or your spouse are not perfect and never will be. Unfortunately we often hold our partner sometimes to that standard for various reasons.
Sometimes though we have what Sue Johnson the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (widely considered the couples therapy with the most favorable outcomes) raw spots. These are areas in our life that have been rubbed to the point of great irritation in our past.
So sometimes something our spouse is doing in the present will hit that raw spot and the irritation or pain of it will feel much greater than if it were not there.
Ever bite the inside of your cheek. Then hours later do it again? Then the next day do it again. Each time we do it hurts worse and worse and sometimes get us so angered! But let’s take a step back.
The pain got worse and our frustration grew but was the second or third or fourth bite any different. Mostly likely you bit with the same force that you did before but now the site is so tender that a similar or even lower force bite actually feels worse.
This type of thing is also present in relationships. The same thing happening over and over again such as a spouse getting home late for work without calling is something that on the surface is the same event. But to the person it is “happening” to it feels like an event with greater magnitude each time it happens.
This is why it can be easier said than done to be able to give the benefit of the doubt.
So what exactly is the benefit of the doubt? It is exactly as it sounds. When there is a doubt in your mind about the motive or reason for something happening, it means erroring on the side of believing in a positive motive. So this would not apply to catching your spouse having an affair. There is no doubt about what happened there so no benefit is needed there.
In my own relationship I struggle with lots of issues, but this is one that I generally have been able to practice successfully what I am telling you.
So let’s talk about some things that can you get to a place where you can give more of the benefit of the doubt to your spouse.
- Think about the positive qualities in your spouse. For example, knowing your spouse is genuinely a clean and orderly person may help you give the benefit of the doubt with he/she not folding laundry in a timely manner.
- Mindfully view each situation on its own. Unfortunately our brains look for patterns and connections because it is a way of making sense or world and this can end up happening in relationships. Resist this temptation because it probably does not mean you are prone to look for the worst.
- Is anxiety a problem for you generally or in other areas of your life? If this is the case, then this anxiety could be a problem in your relationship. Anxiety can often drive us to lots of “what ifs” and those what ifs are again usually negative.
- Don’t try to change your spouse. This can often be driven by not giving the benefit of the doubt. If you real motivation of thinking the worst is that you are trying to change them then this can certainly backfire and cause the opposite to happen in your relationship.
- Forgive often. Forgiveness releases you from anger and your partner from being punished for anything you perceive as a wrongdoing. Sometimes forgiveness cannot and should not happen if there is no safety such as in ongoing abuse or in which your spouse will not give up an affair.
- Finally, over and above everything trust yourself. While it is good to give the benefit of the doubt, to forgive, and think the best sometimes this is not the best course of action. This is where you should first go to your partner with the issues and if they will not listen then go to a trusted family member and friend who will look objectively at the situation.
In most situations it will be good to give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. The potential for this next marriage to go the distance is greater when you do this but as with anything of course use care and caution.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about supporting your partners passion’s in life. Your relationship should be more than just coming together on the day to day grind of your relationship, work, parenting, dealing with ex spouses, and the rest of the day to day craziness. It should be all about encouraging and supporting each other in what gives you individual happiness in life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The general definition passion is “intense zeal or enthusiasm or desire toward something or someone.” For us Christians, it also applies to Jesus pain and suffering during his crucifixion and death. His passion was toward “someone” namely saving you and me from a death that would end rather than what he paved the way for and it is for an eternity spent in heaven with him.
There no doubt you have a passion in life. It might be something you are indeed acting on or it may something that is lying dormant. If it is dormant because your spouse is not encouraging you in this but actually discouraging you then this is something we need to talk about today. Or maybe your spouse has a passion that you are not supporting. Your relationship and life should include support for the individual passions you each have.
This can be so difficult in a blended family. So many day to day responsibilities including cooking, cleaning, helping the kids with homework, grocery shopping, dealing with exes, spending time with each other, time with friends and family can cause the days to just zip by and sometimes a feeling of emptiness because there is no balance for what you enjoy and love.
What is it that you have a passion for? Is it some activity alone like drawing or painting or some other craft? Maybe you have thought about picking up the tennis racket or golf clubs. What about taking a foreign language course? What about a gourmet cooking class? What about starting a travel blog that details your travels including the great places you have been, the great food you have tasted, or very tasty wines from around the world.
Sometimes the reason we don’t start something we are passionate about is because we are too busy but sometimes it is because we are not supported. I promise that if you support your partner in their passion and they in turn support you it can often mean amazing things for your relationship.
The reason I am doing this podcast and this podcast episode is because there is a great deal of support for my and my wife’s passions. My passion has been publishing a great podcast for those of us in remarriage and blended families. Her passion is jewelry making.
My wife has supported me in my podcast journey, by always being so positive about what I am doing and the topics I want to share. She has even been so supportive that she has been a guest several times. Those have been some of my favorite episodes for sure.
The reason for this specific episode is that over the weekend my wife sold her jewelry in a second craft show. I attended with her and offered support by helping her bring everything in, setting it up, ringing up sales, and conversing with customers. She actually made 2.5 times the sales in this show that she did in the first show. So all around was such a great show. But most importantly it helped us both feel so much more connected in our relationship.
So how can you both support each other in your passions? Let’s talk about that now, but before we do I certainly understand that this can be tough. I have talked to lots of couples that struggle with the other spouse spending “too much time” with a passion. For example, I work with couples where the spouse usually the male enjoys hunting so much that he will go many weekends out of the year. This can feel taxing on the spouse and so it will be hard in these instances to be supportive for sure. So of course some balance is needed.
Here are some ways to be supportive:
- Be excited when your spouse wants to talk about what excites them. For my wife it is all about jewelry making. For me this is not my passion so it would be very easy to tune her out. What I recommend in these instances is to focus on the excited emotion in your spouse rather than on the topic at hand.
- Offer to help in whatever way you can. Maybe it isn’t like me where you offer to take an entire Saturday to spend it with her at a craft show (or maybe it is!) but maybe you offer to some small things to help get whatever the passion is off the ground.
- Help take other things off their plate. Maybe it means helping around the house more with cleaning or caring for the kids to help your spouse spend more time with their passion.
- Think about ideas you have you to make their passion even better. For example maybe your spouse wants to get involved making a craft and selling it. Maybe you are great with social media and have all sorts of ideas about social media and how that can impact your partner’s passion.
- Praise your spouse for something well done. For example at the end of the craft show in which my wife did a great job selling her jewelry, I just hugged her, gave her high fives and just gushed over how proud I was of her and how I just thought she rocked it out.
- Be proactive and ask questions about your spouse’s passion. Maybe your spouse has stalled out. How great would it be for them if you asked what you could do to help.
I hope this podcast episode has been helpful and gives you some ideas to implement to start supporting each other. I hear too many stories of couple not supporting each other in what makes them individually happy. This can have a negative impact on the relationship for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and contructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
We are in part 3 of our series on affairs today. We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
New Construction is ready to begin. The old relationship is dead and it is time to do something new. We have talked about stopping the other relationship, assessing what was wrong and now we are ready to build.
- In order for stage 3 to begin, remorse and a request for complete forgiveness should be asked for by the betrayer.
- Hopefully by this point with all the work that has been completed in the first two stages, the betrayed partner should hopefully be willing to grant this forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or being willing allow the same behavior, it simply means to stop punishing the offender for the prior offense.
- Now the real fun can begin. This is where you will work to create new connections and following are some ideas.
- Making the decision to spend more time together if that was lacking especially 1:1 time away from the kids. Make sure to do something that can help foster connection. Maybe it is hiking together or playing cards. Things like movie watching can make it hard but if that sounds good to you then do it!
- Daily Check-Ins. I mentioned these in a previous episode, but asking things like what went well today between us, what did not go well, and what needs to be better?
- Go to your partner if there is a problem in your marriage and not others.
- Ask your partner on a daily basis, things like “What can I do for you today?” This will show a selflessness that can over time replace the feelings of selfishness that too over your relationship.
- The next one, two, or three, or 50 action items are called “Fill In the Blank.” These are where the two of you creatively decide on the new things you will do in your relationship. This is more important than you following suggestions from me or someone else.
We hope you have enjoyed this special 3 part series on affairs and betrayal. It is such an important topic and if this is something you are dealing with now, there is hope. I have seen lots of couples come back from this and make their relationship something new so that something like this never happens again.

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Summary
Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately, affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
We are in part 2 of our series on affairs today. We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
Okay time to face the music. Your current marriage is now dead. There will be no bringing it back. But before you throw in the towel you can build some different and new which we explore in the next episode.
In stage 2, there are two parts that we must undertake.
- First, we need to take an autopsy of the relationship that the two of you had but working to understand what was not working.
- Second we need to talk about ending the old ways. This happens by making agreements about what you won’t do and by acting on them.
Here are some practical tips on taking that autopsy.
- Analyze the time you spend together and alone. Did the balance of alone time and together time work for each of you?
- Talk through the places you each spend time at. Are there problems associated with these places. This can be a difficult discussion if an affair happened with a coworker or maybe with someone at a gym that you have a membership.
- What types of ways in which you interact at home don’t work. For example if not spending much time in the evenings together was troublesome for either of you then that is certainly a problem area.
- Do you confide in others about your marriage and if so is this a problem for one of you?
- Do either one of you have issues with the way your communication goes. Is it volatile and prone to blowing up or is the opposite true and you don’t talk at all? Maybe both are present.
- The actions they take that are different than normal. Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in the entry way but today put them in the closet.
In part 2 of stage 2 – Demolotion, you must begin to make agreements to end old ways of doing things? A lot of this part involves possibly walking away from the old habits which some may not be easy
- Do you need to leave a job where the coworker work?
- Do you need to spend less time away from home?
- Do you need to stop talking to others about issues in your marriage?
These are many more questions are the basis for this area of getting back on track. In this stage, you may not be completely ready to take action but you are now able to gently communicate with each other about the issues that are on the table and that need to be addressed in order to move forward.
Expect these “negotiations” not to go perfectly either. You may still have triggers or other important things come up that will work to make you resist wanting to make a change.
The key here is to keep your eye on your relationship. Going into these discussions with the focus being on the permanence of your relationship until you die versus the temporary nature that work and activities can have will help.
Up next part 3 - Constructing the New Relationship

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Summary
Brian Mayer talks about affairs. These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity. We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well. Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue. The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Affairs are prevalent in society today. The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will. So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.
Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.
We are in part 1 of our series on affairs today. We will talk about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113).
So now that affair has happened and been discovered now what? Let’s talk about some best practices if you will to think about in stage 1.
- Ending the relationship with the other person is the first step. If this is not done then there will be no ability to move forward.
- If the relationship has ended, but the betrayer is still having thoughts and/or vocalizing thoughts of this other person and being with them, these also must be dealt with in some manner.
- The betrayer must also come clean with everything and be very detailed. This must include things like times and places with the other person. It should also include things like being open to talking about times when the betrayer lied to the betrayed partner.
- One exception to talking about all the details is that most experts agree that talking about the specific details of sexual encounters and also specifics about texting should not take place. There are studies that show that this can increase the PTSD type effects in the betrayed partner.
- The betrayer should also work to eliminate defensiveness when approached or asked questions about what happened and about even things going on in the present that the betrayed partner is asking about. Defensiveness while understandable as a protective measure driven from fear but it actually hinders forward progress.
- The betrayed partner should pay lots of attention to the emotion of anger. Anger is a forward propelling emotion and can often lead to things like rage which are also counterproductive. Of course anger is an emotion just like the fear that the betrayer has, but if it goes to far can also hinder healing.
This initial stage is unfortunately going to filled with lots of stepping in wrong ways. There will be days of forward movement, days of no movement and some days of backward movement. The key is to hang in there and slowly better days are usually around the corner.
Up next part 2 – Demolishing the Current Marriage and then part 3 Constructing the New Relationship

Resources:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about focusing on the positives just for one day. Being mindful that we can often tend to focus on what we don’t like and is bothersome to us. The is some research that suggests are brain is wired to focus on the negative so this is not easy. We will talk about this along with some tips and things you can do to focus on the positive. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s message is simple, I am asking you to focus on the positives in your spouse for just 24 hours. Why just 24 hours? You don’t need to get overwhelmed and also small things can eventually lead to big things so let’s start small.
Brain research does tend to suggest that negative experiences and thoughts often stick like glue while positive experiences often fall away rather quickly. I mean think about this in your own life. I can think of a quick example when it comes to my couples counseling. I might have 25 sessions in a week and 24 of the couples are very happy with the service, but 1 is not happy. What am I going to focus on? Of course I am going to focus on the couple that was not happy. If I am not careful I might beat myself up over this by completely ignoring that I have 24 that were completely satisfied.
So what are some of the things you can be happy about in your spouse:
- Celebrating who they are and the things about their personality that you love
- The actions they take that are different than normal. Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in the entry way but today put them in the closet.
- How about the actions they take that are always the same. Often I will hear one partner state that I am not going to thank him for something he SHOULD be doing. Ouch!! Get that thought out of your head! My wife is the cook in the family and always makes dinner. I make it a point to try to thank her everytime for this even though she has agreed this is her job.
So what types of things should you do to focus on the positives?
- Be mindful of where your thoughts are going. Recognize negative thinking and replace it with the positives.
- Verbally express appreciation for who your spouse is and even something simple for their choice to be with you and marry you.
- More verbal expression of thanks for an action they took or maybe it was an action they did not take. For example, maybe your spouse always does a girls night every other Friday night, but decided she wanted to spend more time with you.
- Thank your spouse for getting up to go work in the morning to support the family. Do this even if you do the same thing and if you think you work harder!
- Put a simple note of how much you appreciate and love your spouse in their lunch bag. Then think about your partner receiving this later in the day and the smile that could be on their face.
- If you have a smart phone, create a character of yourself through something like an app called “Bitmoji” and send them a happy text during the day.
- Thank them for the decision they made when you got married that they promised they would be with you forever.
Maybe things are tough right now between the two of you but keep doing things like this and often you might see a turn in your spouse and the relationship.
If you want to give up, keep doing it for yourself knowing that often you will reap what you sow.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about what to do when you and your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to spirituality and attending church. It can be a difficult situation for sure, one that can cause a divide in your relationship. We will talk about this today including some ways to cope and a few things to try to help you connect better in this area. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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When we talk about connection in a marriage relationship especially in a subsequent marriage after divorce, there is no better way to connect than through a spiritual bond. The title of today’s episode is more about what to do when not attending church together, which we will talk about. However, often this is a sign that one of you may be a believer in a higher power and one of you might not.
A study at Harvard University suggested that couples that attend church together have a reduced risk of divorce and still another study at Brigham Young said that how often a couple attends together also has an impact on divorce.
However I have still seen studies that suggest the divorce rate among professing Christians is the same as the population at large. Nevertheless if we look at each way a couple connects this should be looked as another important way a couple can choose to connect.
My narrative is a tale of two stories. In my first marriage, this was not something either of us entertained. I walked away from the Christian church when I was 16, only to return as my first marriage was crumbling at around the age of 28. I remember asking my wife to attend church because I felt it was necessary to help repair the damage in our marriage. She came a few times, but I suppose for her it was too late. So as I look at this it was not so much that I don’t think she wanted church and God a part of her life, but just that she didn’t want it with me.
Fast forward to my second and current marriage, and attendance at church and staying close to God and Jesus is extremely important. Are we perfect of course not, but know there is only one that is perfect and that is God the one in whom we put our trust.
All that being said you may find yourself in a marriage in which the two of you are what the bible calls being unequally yoked. Now let’s talk about this for a moment in terms of dating versus being married.
- What the Bible Says When Dating: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness.” 2 Corinthians 6:14
- What Does the Bible Say About Marriage: “To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy” 1 Corinthians 7:12-15
So according to the Bible if you are dating an unbeliever then you should really not stay together especially if the unbeliever will not change. However, if you are married, the bible encourages you to stay together
So that being said, let’s talk about when you are married again and your spouse is not a believer. What should you do?
- Pray first. I would encourage you to always do this first
- Have a conversation about your partner’s history of belief and or church attendance. You may learn of a hurt or something else traumatic that may have happened.
- Ask if you spouse will go at least 3 times and to not make a decision about continuing until that time.
- At the second or third visit, notice if something simple is needed at the church. For example maybe the trash is full or seats need to be put up at the end of the service. Ask your spouse if it would be okay to stick around just a few minutes to help with this.
- Have a discussion non-defensively after each service about what your spouse was experiencing. There may be things your spouse doesn’t like and so maybe another church might be appropriate or it could be the entire experience is not your spouse’s liking.
- If you spouse makes the decision to not go, then it is best that you keep going. Keep living out what God has for you and quite possibly over time you might possibly be able to pull them toward you.
- What if your spouse says I am not going because church is full of a bunch of hypocrites. Maybe delicately say, well they always have room for one more! We are all hypocrites about many things in our lives.
Ultimately, research on church attendance shows that people feel more connected, experience less depression, have healthier habits and less unhealthy habits. Of course we are not promised by God that following Him will be easy and free of trials, but knowing that He is with us and others who have the same values are with us can make all the difference.
Ultimately stay patient and lean on loving your spouse when they still have a hard time wanting anything to do with church and God.

Resources:

None Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer talks to author and life coach Elizabeth Lewis about dating again. Learn practical tip and things to watch out for especially if it has been a few years since you last dated. Topics like sex and also internet dating are among many topics we tackle on today’s episode. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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If you are divorced or widowed and not yet back into a solid relationship, then this episode is for you. Dating has certainly changed over the last few years especially in the realm of online dating.
In her new book called First Date, Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating The Next Time Around, Elizabeth Lewis talks about what inspired her to write the book. Namely, her time jumping back in to the dating world after the passing of her husband. She learned a lot from her own experience and wanted to make sure the same mistakes aren’t made by others.
She spends some time walking through the internet dating world and give some really helpful tips like making sure your picture is not many years old and that it is appropriately showcasing you and not others for example.
Elizabeth discusses what she calls the 5 stages of dating that we all go through if a relationships lasts long enough. They are: The Spark, Date and Learn, Deeper Dating, Solid and Real, and The Long Term Commitment. So it isn’t just about what I call The Honeymoon and The Settling In Period as we have been led to believe for so long.
Elizabeth talks a lot about sex as well. Of course if you are a Christian, then sex after marriage is really the preferred way to go. The bottom though as she mentions and she even says the number one reason in her opinion that next time relationships don’t work out is having sex too soon. She even quoted some very interesting research including that something like 90% of relationships in which sex happens in the first 30 days ends up not working out.

Resources:

Love and Laughter Life Coaching
First Date, Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating The Next Time Around

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the little things in your remarriage and in your life that can get big results. Big things in life often come from small beginnings. Hurricanes start small and grow, pennies can turn into millions of dollars with time and proper investing, small runs can turn into marathons. Just like these things it is the small things in your relationship that can turn into the big things. We will talk about 3 little questions you can ask each other on a daily basis to feel more connected over time. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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You probably know this, but it’s the little things that can turn into big things. We often think that if something isn’t big to start with then it isn’t worth doing. Kind of like this podcast, we are now on episode #107 with a great Facebook community and lots of awesome things that people are telling me that result from this podcast, that I never thought were possible at episode #1.
In the Western Hemisphere, Hurricanes start from gentle breezes across the Saharan desert in Africa. And they can develop into monstrous storms that are large, have great winds and rain associated with them. The largest hurricane even recorded was Typhoon Tip in 1961 that grew to almost 1400 miles in diameter. Think about the U.S. – From Richmond, VA to San Francisco is about 2900 miles. So this typhoon or hurricane was about half the size of the U.S.
At some point I invested my first dollar into my retirement account about 25 years ago. Today it looks like I am on track to be able to retire with hopefully lots of life left. However, if I took the stance that the pain of investing then was not worth it and that I would rather enjoy things now instead of later then I would not be in the position I am in. Side note if you are not investing in your retirement, do a little now. Every bit counts.
How about did you know that the average honeybee produces about 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey in its lifetime. That doesn’t sound like a lot and to us it might not be but to that bee at the end of its life that is a lot of honey. Also think about going to your local grocery store and seeing all those jars of honey and how many bees it took. They are all doing the little things to create something big.
The same can be said of your relationship. Sure your past relationships did not work out and yes maybe some big things happened like an affair or verbal abuse on your part or toward you. But usually these things start from something small. As I always say of course the person doing this actions is responsible for their behaviors, but maybe things started small into simply not being heard and understood and maybe one or both of you worked too much and had no life balance. Whatever the reason for the divorce it probably started as something small.
That is why in your current relationship you should focus on the small stuff. Remember that popular book called, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff?” Well in this case I would encourage to yes please sweat some of this by putting in an effort when it comes to the small things.
Today my focus on the small stuff centers around 3 small questions when done regularly (hopefully every day) will get you some big results down the road. So lets talk about those questions
3 Big Questions to Ask Each Other Everyday (Make sure to focus on the things that happened that will have an impact on your relationship).
- What did We Do Well Today?
- What Could We Have Done Better Today?
- What is One Thing I do not know about you?
These seem simple and they are. If you ask them once or twice that can feel good and be a fun exercise but if you ask them over and over again you will hopefully start to see more change and connection happening in your relationship.
The final question to ask yourselves though before you begin is “When should we ask each other these questions?” This is of course up to you. By their nature they probably should be asked at the end of the day or you could ask them in them morning as they pertain to the prior day, but do what you think will work for each of you and create the best chance for a habit.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks to author and therapist Judy Herman, LPC about working through our past and our relationships. She takes a dive into her new book called "Beyond Messy Relationships." It is a memoir but it also has so many useful thoughts about relationships and these various dances we can get caught up in while we are in the thick of the messiness that you will find so much applicable to your own life. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Judy talks about the great amount of grief she experienced in her own life as the fuel behind the writing of the book.
She describes 8 dances in the book and we pay particular attention to the dance of shame which can be so common post divorce.
Shame unfortunately can often flow into a more permanent guilt, but Judy describes that there is a way out if we would only perservere through it.
We talk about being a Christian and being set free, but all the while still being a human and struggling through this shame and guilt.
Judy gets vulnerable when she talks about the struggles she and her current husband have had with his bipolar diagnosis.
She really crystallizes the purpose of the book in that she wants us to see and own our realities, but to get help through and maybe most importantly have self compassion.

Resources

Get First 3 Chapters of Beyond Messy Relationships for Free!
Beyond Messy Relationships by Judy Herman

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Brian Mayer talks about emotion and its role in our lives and in our remarriages and blended families. Emotion by many is sometimes seen as something to avoid or not dwell on. We hope to dispel that and other myths in today’s episode when we talk about the importance emotion has to move us in our lives. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

So let’s talk emotion. In our world, the stereotype is that women can deal with emotions and men cannot. It is often generalized that women like talking about emotions and men do not. This can actually certainly be true in lots of cases.
There have been lots of studies that suggest that men are more logical and operate more from the left side of the brain and women operate more from the right side. Some of these things have been confirmed and especially that certain parts of the brain size are different in women and men which can account for differences in logic versus emotion.
Often we think of behavior changes like date nights, spending more quality time together, or changing our communication styles will help better our remarriages. The thought is that if we change our actions, then our feelings may change.
However there is a lot of research especially in the field of psychology that has suggested over the last several decades that it is not behavior change that will move us but it is emotion.
Think about your favorite movies? Yes, there is action in many movies but it is things like emotion that can really move us. It is those movies that we come out of them changed. For some reason the movie Old Yeller comes to mind for me. I saw this movie as a young child. I don’t remember crying as a child before age 10 at anything other than a cut or bruise…except for this movie. It was the story of a beloved dog to a child that had to be put to sleep by the father from what I remember. That MOVED me to tears. Key word….MOVED.
So speaking of being moved do you know what the Latin derivative and definition of the word emotion? It means to “remove, move out, agitate.” In my example about the movie, I certainly remember it moved me. It moved me to do something different. I remember it spurred me to have a conversation with my mom about this movie and to share my experience. In other words it opened a human connection and sort of advanced me along in my life’s journey.
The same can be said about your present relationships with spouse, your children and you stepchildren. But sometimes it depends on the specific emotion shown.
Did you know there is something called primary (basic) and secondary (complex) emotions. Let’s talk about those for a moment.
Primary emotions are the ones that science says that have been implanted into us. They are anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. They are considered to be hardwired into us from the beginning of time. These are the emotions that can readily be seen especially around the eyes.
These are the emotions often that are perceived when our partners do something different than the more neutral look that we are generally presented with. Primary emotions are more transient and are often associated with an event. They can tend to fade rapidly.
However these can often be deceiving because there are more complex or secondary emotions that we have learned over time especially from our care givers. These emotions can linger and do not dissipate quickly.
The more complex emotions might be something like overwhelm, worthlessness, excluded, nervous, exposed. They can be positive like successful, confident, valued, or hopeful. These are the more vulnerable emotions that we often keep hidden again because we have been trained through evolution to know that these are not necessary to survival. But oh how they are necessary for the survival of relationships.
So why are we talking about these? Well just as we mentioned a moment ago, the emotions that we can spot and see very quickly are the 6-7 primary emotions like anger or disgust for example. Once we perceive these on our partners face, the last thing we want to do 1 or 2 things. Our survival instincts come into play at these moments and we only want to:
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
These instincts were helpful when we lived in caves and confronted the saber tooth tiger. They are less helpful when we run into problems with our partner or kids. They usually result in responses that are much more than what is needed in the moment.
So what should we do? I’ll give some thoughts on that now.
- Take a breath to keep the fight, flight, or freeze response at bay.
- Lean in and explore what is the secondary emotion that you are seeing in your partner. Try not to give in to what you believe you are seeing on the face. There is often a more complex emotion underneath that really tells the tale.
- Encourage your partner and kids to come to you when they are feeling emotionally to discuss. However you must work on being non-judgmental and accepting. This will encourage more sharing in the future.
- Sharing of emotions can often change your relationship. It can MOVE it to a better place.
This is all easier said than done. Sometimes those in your new family will not share these things as you would like. So you must develop lots of patience!
Also don’t tie your actions to the results. If you do that you could be sorely disappointed in yourself and your family. Remember this can take years. Hang in there.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes a look at how to deal with an ex-spouse who always seems to be angry and want to pick a fight. We will take a look at why this happens and some suggests on how to navigate this very dicey situations so that you, your partner, and the kids can have the best experience possible. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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In a relationship that ends in divorce there is often one or both partners that are left very hurt, alone, and said. Unfortunately this sadness often builds into anger that spills all over the place when trying to have simple logistical discussions about the kids, the transitions, and life at each home.
Unfortunately this is very common and often a normal human response to pain especially the pain caused by the ending a once deep and connected relationship.
Often it can sometimes feel like the anger comes out of nowhere. You might be having a simple discussion about one of the children’s allergies and maybe some different foods or medication that is needed and all of the sudden your ex-spouse bursts into an angry disagreement over how you want to handle this situation.
Or sometimes there is nothing that needs to be decided or a solution to be had at the time, and anger will erupt. The next thing you know you are hearing about all the times you failed in the relationship and what you did or didn’t do to cause the end.
It can get ugly so what in the world can you do when you ex-spouse becomes what we call a High Conflict Bio Mom or Dad (HCBM or HCBD). Lets talk through some things you can do to help in these situations.
- Sometimes it is not about you. Take a step back and realize not everything that is spewing is on you is about you. Often frustrations over other situations that may come forth from your ex-spouse that may or may not be connected to your divorce. It is advisable to probably not explore these too much with your spouse but to just know this going in to discussions.
- Keep discussions and meetings more business like. This means working hard to remove the troubling surface emotions like anger to come to the surface. Of course this takes two of you and so you may have to work to get buy in and or wait this one out a bit.
- What are you doing to fuel the fire? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is look into the mirror at our own part in the chaos. Maybe you are gently but you still get defensive or don’t necessarily fully listen to what the other partner wants. If you are human then you will be often thinking more about your own response.
- Is there a part of what your ex-spouse is saying that you can agree with? This is very difficult to do when anger is erupting. It is very hard to work on a compromise if you cannot logically process the issues while big emotions are happening. But if things are calm then work to hear something in the complaint that you can agree with.
- Explain to your ex-spouse that you will not be able to continue the conversation if emotions continue to run high. It is okay to excuse yourself or take a break from this.
- Stick to parenting discussions. If the issues stray then ask gently to get back on track. Often hurts over the past will come up and if you can steer you ex-spouse back to discussions about the children only.
- Has forgiveness occurred yet? Often if this has not happened then bitterness and resentment will still be present. When genuine forgiveness is given and granted it can often lift the weight that is causing pressure. In science we know that pressure causes heat and that heat needs to escape. In relationships that heat escapes as anger toward an ex-spouse for sure.
- Mediator or App Like Our Family Wizard: As a last resort when all else fails it could be help to have a mediator such as a professional counselor to help give unbiased thoughts. Additionally there is an app for smart phones called “Our Family Wizard” that can help keep schedules and conversations noted among other features.
One last word is that you may exhaust all of these techniques and it still may not work. You may still have an angry ex-spouse to deal with. If you feel that the verbal escalations that are happening rise to the level of abuse then you may need to either contact an attorney or law enforcement to gather their suggestions.

Resources:

None

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes a look back the best episodes on The Remarried Life podcast that will help you to stay mentally strong in the face of the difficult and complex new life in your remarriage and blended family. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s face it, staying mentally strong in today’s world with everything that comes at us can be difficult. Unfortunately gun violence feels like it is on the rise and that we now wonder is any public place safe. It is things like this that when we add to the grief and loss of divorce and the anxiety over stepparenting and blended families that it makes perfect sense that we can gravitate toward things like depression and anxiety.
While there are certain actions and behaviors and strategies that can make life in a blended family better, it really starts with your own mental health.
Did you know that almost 7% of adults will have a depressive episode in any given year. Bipolar depression which can swing from great highs to great lows can affect almost 3% of the U.S. population.
Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting about 18% of the population. Now it could be actually argued that everyone has anxiety but of course it only rises to a problematic level in some.
If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time, you know that starting with ourselves is probably the most important thing you can do, so today we are going to take a look back at some of the episodes that can help you to stay mentally on track as the insanity swirls around you.
Session 6: The Stigma of Divorce - Things like feelings of failure, feeling less than you are, and feeling different are all things we talked about in the episode. The overarching theme though is that this is normal and everyone experiences these things especially in the beginning.
Session 11: Trusting Yourself After Divorce – Really enjoyed this episode with Carmen Roman, fellow podcaster who talked about the experiences we gather through divorce, walking through the grief process, working past the milestone events the next year, among many other issues.
Session 19: Have You Healed From Your Previous Marriage - We take a deep dive and look at the grieving process and the stages involved. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Forgiveness. The stages aren’t linear and there is no perfect timetable. We all move at different paces for sure.
Session 32: Learn How to Forgive - While forgiveness is certainly an action, there is also a huge mental health component to it. Forgiveness especially for the one holding the unforgiveness can lift an emotional burden that is being carried around. Forgiveness though is a process and it doesn’t mean you trust again but just that you work to open back the lines of communication and repair the disconnect.
Session 40: Introduction to Mindfulness
Session 41: Individual Mindfulness Exercise
Session 42: Couples Mindfulness Exercise –
- In these 3 episodes we take a break from the usual strategies and tips to take a breath for us individually and as a couple. Being mindful is the art of remaining in the present moment non-judgmentally. It can create peace, and calm and a more loving connection.
Session 56: Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner – This episode is all about getting in touch with your mental state when it comes to the connection between your past and your present. It is very common to be completely unaware that something that is happening in the present in your relationship feels worse than it really is because it is triggering a memory, a though, or an emotion that is connected to something that happened in your previous relationship.
Session 93: How to Reframe Your Mind Toward Your New Family – We talk in this episode about how our brains are somewhat wired to what is called a Negativity Bias. This means that we will tend to look more at the negative in situations. This really goes back to earlier times when are brains had to be alert for danger regarding say other animals. We developed a rapid flight or flight response. Unfortunately this can get activated very easily if we are not careful in simple conversations with our spouse.

Resources:

Links to The Episodes are Above

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the concept of fault when it comes to divorce. As human beings we often want to assign blame for the failure of our marriage. Sometimes we blame our spouse and sometimes we blame ourselves. This might not be the most productive use of your time and it also might not even be the right question. We will explore this today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Unfortunately, our culture has taught us to become very quick to blame someone when it doesn’t go our way. More often that not, we are taught to blame someone else. For example, if I run out of gas I might think to blame my wife for not telling me the tank was low when she drove the car last night. Or maybe since my boss was so hard on me yesterday, that he caused me to not be able to concentrate on anything but the mistake I made at work.
Sometimes this blame is so prevalent that it just comes very quickly and almost automatically.
We think about how sue happy our society has become as well. There has been lots of work done to reduce frivolous lawsuits but they still happen with great regularity. I am sure you can think of lawsuit that you heard of that is in that category. Many people felt that person that sued McDonalds back in the 1980’s over hot coffee was just such an act.
So all this being said, when we go through a painful divorce we are often looking for who to blame. Blame can often make us feel better to a degree because it is like our brain is then able to wrap around why something happened. A divorce and dissolved relationship is already confusing and complicated enough but if our brain can make sense of who did what and who is accountable then it can sometimes bring relief to anxiety and uncertainty.
But is someone really to blame solely for a divorce? Unless, we are talking some sort of abuse then the answer is generally “No.” Even in cases of affairs and infidelity, we could ultimately trace back the issue to a disconnection in the emotional bond between you two.
Additionally it isn’t the right question to ask because the two of you are involved in a system of dancing in which you both play a part. You act and react based on things you see in the system and the thoughts and feelings that are generated from that. It is much more complicating than looking at the actions on the surface.
I like what Sue Johnson, the creator of something called Emotionally Focused Therapy says about this dance. She says that we as a couple get caught in one, two, or three types of “Demon Dialogues.” These are patterns of behaviors that develop and take root due to actions, thoughts and feelings. Here are the dances of dialogues that she says are most common:
- Find The Bad Guy: This dance involves two people pursuing and pushing to determine who the worst person in the interaction is. This often will result in the kitchen sink coming out against one or both. The fight will generally continue to escalate because neither wants to back down.
- The Protest Polka: The dance involves a pursuer and withdrawer. One pushes and escalates as the other retreats and withdraws. As each person goes further into their pattern, the more it pushes the other’s buttons
- Who This involves two people who have withdraw and simply do not communicate. One person in the interaction may have been a pursuer who pushed but not anymore.
The longer these patterns and dialogues exist in a relationship the higher the chance of relationship demise.
According to Johnson’s work, neither person in the interaction is the bad guy, but it is the interaction they get entangled with that is the bad guy. Once couples start to realize this the more they can work together to interrupt these cycles.
So what are the things that you should look out for in this cycle?
- Your actions
- Your Partners Actions
- Your thoughts (and your partner’s thoughts) or “what you made up about this situation”
- Your triggers (and your partner’s triggers) (past events that may have escalated the issue – this can include past relationships, your childhood, and/or things that have built up over time in your current relationship
- Your primary emotions (and your partner’s primary emotions) (there are 6 that most accept – Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise)
- Your more vulnerable emotions and your partner’s more vulnerable emotions (the softer feelings underneath the primary emotions like loneliness or unworthiness for example)
- Your and your partner’s unmet attachment needs
So what does all of this means. It means the idea of who is to blame is rather complicated because of everything that goes into a decision or action that is made. Rather often times our actions make complete sense when we line them up against our thoughts, emotions, triggers, and unmet needs.

So the key here is to be more aware of all that is going on especially in our own brains so that we can interrupt decisions that might detrimental to the dance we are engaged in with our partner.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about a rather common issue of not fully being emotionally past a divorce and past marriage even after you have married currently. Grieving is a process and is difficult and mostly impossible to stop or speed up. We will talk about ways to cope with this issue to lessen the burden on you are you current spouse. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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When something painful happens we all must go through the grieving process. For some it starts immediately and progresses quickly. For others it stops and starts and feels very slow. Unfortunately, it is complicated and there are lots of factors at play when it comes to this issue. They include:
- How long ago did the divorce occur? This one is pretty obvious but bears discussing that they less time between divorce and remarriage the higher likelihood you will be grieving in some way.
- Who initiated the divorce? Often if you initiated it, it means you had more time to grieve even while still married. If you were blindsided or somewhat unaware then the process takes longer.
- How have you moved through significant troubling events in the past? These can include death of loved ones, legal troubles, serious health issues, or job loss just to name a few.
- Your age at time of divorce can also play a role. Sometimes but not always if you are older and have more life experiences the grieving process can move more quickly.
- How are the other parts of your life operating? How you are doing financially, your relationships with others, stress from raising kids, stress from a job can all interrupt the grieving process.
So then what are the stages of grieving? Before we talk about this remember that the grieving process is not linear meaning that you can bounce back and forth through the stages. Usually though the more return to past stages, the more it will hopefully speed up the next time through.
- Denial: I can’t or don’t believe this is happening.
- Anger: Once the numb wears off this emotion will usually flood in
- Bargaining: This is the stage where we ask “what if questions.” What if I had been home more? What if I had not been so angry all the time?
- Depression: After we realize there either is nothing we could have done or that it doesn’t matter, then sometimes great sadness sets in.
- Acceptance: At this stage, we can sometimes feel we have accepted things and then slip back but eventually this will take hold completely.
So what can you do as you work through your grieving of a past relationship even while married again?
- Don’t believe the myth that you can speed up grieving
- Don’t believe the myth that there is a timeline
- Know that you are not less of a human for not feeling strong enough. All humans go through this process.
- If you feel comfortable discuss this with your current spouse. If trust and commitment are strong with each of you then it should be a good discussion.
- Talk to others who might be experiencing this now or have in the past.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer brings back his favorite guest – his wife Heather Mayer. In today’s episode, they both talk through what are some of the foundational pieces of the relationship that helps to keep their bond strong. Take some of what you hear today and work to implement these things into your own relationship. Just because a past marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t meant that the next one won’t work out. Listen to this episode with your significant other so you can get the most out of what you are hearing together. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Ever heard the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” This one is often quoted to Albert Einstein but apparently this is not true and some research on the subject shows that it may have been attributed to Rita Mae Brown an author who wrote this in her 1983 book called Sudden Death. But that is not what is most important. It is the quote itself. We can’t keep doing in our current relationships what we did in our past relationships. “2+2” is always going to equal “4.” In order to get “5” we have to change one of the parts. If we don’t we will continue to get “4” as the answer.
Let’s talk about a more positive thought or quote and that is “If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently” by Bill Watterson (cartoonist who wrote “Calvin and Hobbes”). This might mean different things to different people, but it could mean that we have to get outside our current situation sometimes and look at the relationship as a whole and spend more time thinking and cultivating that than putting so much time in the “Argument du jour (of the day).”
Today Brian and Heather will talk about some ways that they work and interact together, that helps them take their eyes off of the tornado that might be presently surrounding them and onto the calm waters of the type of relationship they truly desire.
- Forgiveness is very important. This is letting your partner off the hook and to stop punishing them for something they have done. It doesn’t mean you trust again or that you condone the behavior. Sometimes you have to do this from afar if safety is an issue and abuse is present.
- Spending Time Together. In today’s busy and crazy world, with long work hours, different schedules, kids, and their activities this one can be difficult. Be proactive when it comes to this one. If you both belong to the gym and can coordinate working out together as an example then do that. Or after the kids go to bed make it a point to spend a bit of quality time together.
- Letting Things Go. This one can be a bit like forgiveness but it more has to do with the individual mental choice to move on from a situation. This can really help to promote better good will, when you can remember a situation that did not go well but you can’t remember the specifics of what you talked about. Of course don’t sweep things under the rug but also don’t hold grudges.
- Not Trying to Change The Other. If you spend a lot of your time trying to change someone else you might be waiting a long time. Sometimes it might never happen. Spend most of your time reflecting on what you are doing and how might you work on changing. Often this type of thinking will have a positive impact on changing your partner (sometimes not though).
- Dealing With Past Baggage. This one is difficult because we often do not realize that we are reacting to our current spouse because of something that was done in our past relationship or childhood. The first step in doing anything about this is recognizing it is happening and then secondly working to disconnect from it. If you can’t do this on your own then seeking help from a professional that can certainly speed that process up.
- Spiritual Beliefs. In Heather and Brian’s case, they have a strong Christian faith. While not perfect they both will work to grow closer to God and in doing so usually grow closer to each other. Think about a triangle with each of you at the different points in the base and God at top as you grow closer to God you will automatically grow close to each other.
- Prioritize Each Other’s Love Language. The 5 Love Languages according to the book by Gary Chapman are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts. For Brian, his greatest love language is words of affirmation while Heather’s is physical touch. They both work hard to make sure they are loving the other in that love language.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes at the different ways we try to bring our stepfamilies together. Today’s episodes is based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. In it he describes 5 different ways we attempt to bring our families together. Five of these he considers unhealthy – Blender, Food Processor, Microwave, Pressure Cooker, and Tossed. One he considers healthy – Crockpot Cooking. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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There are so many different ways and methods that people have tried to bring stepfamilies and blended families together. In fact there might just as many ways as there are families.
Today we are going to talk about 6 typical ways that partners try to bring families together in these new circumstances. These are all based on the book called The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.
He considers 5 of these to be rather unhealthy and 1 way to be healthy.
Let’s discuss the Unhealthy Styles first:
- Blender: This involves whipping everyone together into one mixture and not assuming that each ingredient will relate to the other. Imagine making fruit smoothie and adding salmon. Doesn’t sound real good does it? In this method, teens are treated the same as younger children and each child is viewed the same even though experiences might have been different.
- Food Processor: This involves bringing everyone together at rapid speed but that each may begin to feel torn into pieces when things do go right. Deal talks about attempting to replace a biological father with a stepfather and expecting the children to view the stepfather in the same way.
- Microwave: He talks about this family ignoring the fact that they are a stepfamily, because they feel like it makes them less than so. There is a fear of not being accepted by others if they only knew that you were a stepfamily. Not accepting the challenges on a stepfamily can cause issues.
- Pressure Cooker: Great expectations can often cause the lid to blow off. This one happens when parents put too much pressure on themselves and the kids to make the new stepfamily work. Deal talks about forcing kids to like a stepparent because the parent likes them and that it will be easier this way. Forcing someone to like someone else is like, try to climb a pole that has been greased completely with olive oil (to use a another cooking analogy).
- Tossed: This style is like throwing everything in the air and again expecting it to fit together neatly. Some examples include a revolving door of dating that causes kids no stability or allowing kids that might remain home to disturb a child’s possessions who is gone to the other home, can give a tossed salad feel.
The healthy style is called Crockpot Cooking:
- Time and Low Heat are essential. What does this mean? It means patience and less pressure. I don’t know about you but slow cooking is about the best way to enjoy food. All the flavors just ramp up the longer they are allowed to cook. I think about soups etc also that are heated up the next day that taste even better.
- Don’t Rush. Allow time for everyone to settle in. You may have heard before, but sometimes it can many years for a blended family to settle in and sometimes it never fully happens.
- Low Heat may mean spending time with kids especially doing things they like to. This could mean that every child has something different they enjoy so you may need to work to carve out more 1:1 time with them to help them blend well.
Hope you have enjoyed some thoughts on what to do and what not to do when it comes to blending a family.
Don’t give up hope and most of all don’t give into the myths that this thing we call blending is supposed to work quickly and easily.

Resources:

The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes another look at communication. This episode might be helpful for those of you who have a more direct communication style or were brought up in a home where everybody spoke their mind and no one seemed to care who they offended. Well now that you are in another relationship, let’s talk about whether or not this is productive. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Ever heard of the phrase, “would you rather be right or be married?” All too often we don’t really think too much about this before we let our comments fly.
Often people will respond to this by saying, “well this is just the way I am” or “my partner is just too sensitive” or “I don’t have time for all this dancing around, I just need to get to the answer”
This may have worked in your childhood, this may have even worked in a past relationship, it often works well at work because we get paid to spot problems and to solve them. In a relationship not everything is a problem that needs to be solved.
Ever heard of the cliché, “when you hold a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail?” In other words when you view everything through the lens of a problem/solution framework, then you urgently must get things solved.
The problem with this mentality is that this usually slows the process down. Why is this? This happens because our partner presents us with something that is bothering them and they are simply looking for emotional connection and not presenting a problem to be solved.
In fact sometimes attempting to solve the problem too quickly actually causes the problem to deepen.
So should we force our opinion when we believe it is true and must be said? Often the argument around this issue is whether or not the issue itself is true, this is the wrong argument.
Encourage the two of you to stop arguing over whether something is true or not and simply hear the emotions that are being present. And work to connect with the emotions you are hearing.
Sometimes though this is more difficult because we often hear anger or frustration instead of what underlies that is usually fear or something similar.
So let’s talk about some ways that you can stay away from saying something even if you believe it to be true.
- Get curious. Again as stated earlier, listen for the emotions in your partner and look to connect to them.
- Ask questions to gain clarity on the emotions and not on the “events.”
- Show empathy. Empathy is simply connecting with the feelings in your partner that you have inside of yourself. So if you hear fear or loneliness think about a time where you felt this way and then express that connection to your partner.
- Explore when you are triggered. A trigger is something inside of you that gets poked when your partner says something to you. Ask yourself, “why is this so triggering and bothersome?” What sore spot is this getting to?
- Rather than saying something to tear your partner down, how about saying it in a different way. I once had a male client say that he believed there was nothing wrong with calling his partner “fat” because he said it was true. Now we could have argued over whether or not that was true, but honestly that is a subjective argument. Instead, we talked about the appropriateness and also the negative feedback loop that this would generate.
- Use humor when appropriate. This one is tricky because if you use it at the wrong time or too often then it can backfire and you partner may believe that you aren’t really there for them. But used appropriately can be extremely powerful.
This episode is back to basics and really can apply to your relationship whether or not you are in a subsequent marriage after divorce. But it is probably more important to us who have been in marriages that have not worked out so that we can begin to work on the patterns that may have gotten us in trouble in the first place.

Communication comes up over and over again as an issue that we all could continue to work on. So don’t get up but keep working and take off the problem solving glasses and put on the emotion seeking glasses and your relationship will be better for it for sure.

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Brian Mayer talks the difficult subject of thinking about divorce again. It is very common to have these thoughts again in a subsequent marriage. We will talk about this issue and some of the issues that could be a signal that you are beginning to walk down that path. You have to make you own decision to be sure but this episode will hopefully help you to pause and process through this pretty significant issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you are divorced and remarried to someone else and have ever thought about divorce you are very normal. This is a very common thought. Of course the frequency of the thought along with the severity of the circumstances will certainly determine the likelihood this might actually happen.
Fun fact about marriages and divorce, by a man by the name of Glynn Wolfe holds the record for most monogamous marriages in U.S. history at 29. He even remarried 3 of the women he had previous divorced. He probably also holds the record for most thoughts about divorce most likely although something we cannot verify.
Now back to thoughts and actions that might be driving you toward divorce, but before that I must admit I have had thoughts about divorce in my second and current marriage. These thoughts actually occurred maybe 1-2 years into my marriage. Fortunately it was only said once and was in anger (not great but quickly determined there was no basis in reality for this.
Now let’s talk a bit about the things you may have thought about or actually that could mean that you thoughts about divorce could have more substance.
- If you think about divorce when you are not emotional or angry.
- You have discussed divorce with a close friend, family member, clergy or other professional.
- You have thoughts about what it might be like to be alone again at times when you are not angry.
- You have researched divorce attorneys.
- You are hiding money or have set up a separate bank account.
- You currently have separate bank accounts and you are doing things with your money that you know your spouse may not approve.
- You have discussed specific plans for divorce with your spouse and have thought a lot about how and what you might say.
- You have had thoughts about how the kids would be shared and how time might be divided up.
- You have been separated with your current spouse in the past or currently.
If you have thought or done these things above then for sure you are probably further along in your desire for divorce than simply just having a fleeting thought.
Now do any of these mean that you are working toward divorce without potential for return, of course not. You can always make a different choice.
Remember though physical abuse is a much different animal and safety is the number one priority. You must ensure you are safe first and all else takes a back seat.
Other than physical abuse, you can work on the issue of thinking about divorce in a constructive manner with your spouse assuming of course they are looking to work for it as well.
Just remember there is always hope and you can turn things around. This happened for me when I had a brief thought about throwing in the towel on my second marriage.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks how to deal with the kids that aren’t yours biologically. In other words dealing with “Not Your Kids” can be so much more difficult and complicated than dealing with your own kids. We will talk about this issue and some helpful tips in regard to how to handle this issue. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Before we dive into today’s topic, I just want to take a moment to talk about how a couple of friend who has an incredibly positive mindset impacted my thought process on all sorts of things.
The first friend talked about not jumping to conclusions before I have all the facts. He said it is best to get several points of view about what happened because making a decision about what to do.
The second friend after talking about someone else who just seemed to be giving every one a hard time, said something like maybe we should get her a gift for her hard work. I was thinking wow how is it that I am running into so many people this weekend that have such a positive outlook on life and people.
Maybe in some ways this does have to do with today’s topic, because we will be talking about how to handle the stepkids even when it seems impossible.
Let’s face it these are not your children, and so you may be finding it hard to really love then like your own children, and you probably feel like disciplining and talking to them is like stepping on land mines at every turn.
What are some things you can do to help in this situation. Let’s talk about this now:
- Stay united with your spouse.
- If you cannot stay united, then work to defer to your spouse when it comes to the stepkids.
- You don’t have to love your stepkids like you own kids. You might be surprised that I say this, but the reality is that this may never happen. Now I am talking more about your thoughts and feelings and not your actions. It is perfectly ok that you will never capture the same type of feelings for them that you do your own kids.
- Don’t rush your stepkids acceptance of you. As we have talked on this show, this can take a long time and in some cases may never happen.
- Don’t take it personally when your stepkids don’t warm to you.
- Don’t get walked all over either. Do stand up for yourself.
- Have regular meetings with your spouse to discuss how things are going and also to talk about future expectations.
- Don’t read your child’s mind. You might think they are purposefully disobeying because they are trying to manipulate or they could just acting out because they are hurt.
- Be a good role model. As hard as this is, be the kind of parent that you want your step kids to be when they become parents or even stepparents.
- Get to know your stepkids, including their likes and dislikes. Then do things with them like a friend would do. Of course you don’t need to be a friend in all circumstances, but when you pick things to do that are fun try to keep the friend perspective in mind.

Remember that integrating stepkids into the family and into your routines can take some time so be patient. Don’t give up!

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Brian Mayer talks about how your past and what you saw in your parents married life may have affected your married life. There is no doubt that divorce happens for many reasons but sometimes it happens in part because of what we saw when we were growing up. We will talk about this important issue that may affect your remarriage and blended family experiences. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Divorce happens for lots of reasons for sure. Sometimes it is because we aren’t getting along, sometimes it happens because of a major betrayal like infidelity, sometimes it happens because you drifted emotionally apart due to work issues that cause different schedules, long hours, or terrible travel schedules. But sometimes there might be other factors at play.
Today we talk about who much your parents married life and what you saw growing up may have had an impact in the ending of your previous marriage(s).
The research is actually a mixed bag on whether this an important factor. In one study it was shown there is something to this issue. I am putting a link below in the Resources section but it showed in a longitudinal study that females had a 69% increased chance of divorce if her parents divorced while her chances increased a whopping 189% if both her and her spouses parents were divorced.
In my own life this is a mixed bag. I am divorced, and my parents were divorced, but they were divorced when I was 2 years old. I don’t really ever remember them being together so I don’t recall what it was like to hear them have difficulties while they were married. However, they did have difficulties in getting along throughout my childhood.
When it comes to my wife, who also experienced a divorce before marrying me, grew up with parents who stayed married and in fact a few months ago celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife reports that in general that had a happy and healthy marriage while she was growing up.
So anecdotally in my experience, I would have to say that I would be unsure if it is truly a causation.
Probably the biggest helpful factor in how a parent’s marriage would affect a child’s marriage would be a happy and healthy one. If parent’s stay married while not happy or if they divorce, would seem to suggest not as good for children than if parents are happy and healthy.
Lets talk about though what some of the issues your parents went through that could cause problems:
- Poor conflict management. Did your parents fight in front of you? Was there escalated conflict. Did they raise their voices?
- Emotional of Physical Violence. Did you witness horrible name calling, throwing or destroying property?
- Did you end up spending the night with relatives because things got so bad between your parents or a parent in a subsequent marriage?
- Lack of Time Your Mother and Father Spent Together prior to divorce. Did one or both parents work or travel too much?
- Lack of Family Activities that Included Both Mom and Dad. Do you remember a lack of both parents attending your sports or other activities?
- Lack of affection shown such as hugging by your parents.
Ultimately, the divorce(s) that you went through are complicated in there reasons for why they happened, but the relationship your parents had if they stayed married or if they got divorced could have certainly played a part in your divorce.
Something to think about for sure as you look back at your life and something to think in regard to your children. The bottomline with your kids is that while their life may have been difficult up to this point, your have some responsibility and ability to reduce the chance that your children ever experience divorce.

Resources:

If My Parents Are Divorced, Is My Marriage Doomed to Fail?

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about why blended two families together after previous divorces is so hard. There are so many things at play that occur in the situation that don’t occur in a first marriage. We will talk about these and some of what you can do to make this easier on yourself and others in the family. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We say it all the time. Getting married again after divorce is HARD. It is hard for many reasons and researchers say it can take many years to feel like a biological nuclear family and in some cases it will never feel that way.
Today we talk about the factors that get in the way of feeling good about blending.
- Let’s start with genetics. There are more opportunities for different personalities to be present in a blended family because you all do not come from the same family tree.
- There were different life experiences for each family. Maybe there was abuse present in your past experience and not in your spouse’s past or vice versa.
- The general expectations of one or more family members that this new experience will go exactly like the previous one. Families are like fingerprints and no two are exactly the same.
- Shuttling kids between families is probably not normal to anyone and thus gaining a comfort level for this back and forth is so difficult to achieve.
- A more rigid structure in one family and a more relaxed structure in the other family can often cause issues. There will often be arguments about bedtimes, dinner planning and prep, and when schoolwork and chores and tasks get done.
- Getting caught in the middle when the other family is involved. It is common for the biological parent to feel caught in the middle of the other ex-spouse and the current spouse and the differing needs of each. Often the current spouse will often feel like an outsider. As a result often resentment can build.
- Your parents or your spouses parents may have better feelings about an ex-spouse. In many situations, the ex-spouse might be invited to things that make it very uncomfortable for you or maybe you have a general sense that the ex-spouse is liked better than you.
- Anger of the kids about their biological parents splitting can often last through their entire childhood. Gulp!
- Finances can cause problems. This issue can come from all sorts of areas. Maybe there is a lack of trust between you and your spouse because of past hurts and so you keep finances very divided. Maybe there are constant disagreements about what family pays for what in a blended family.
- Disparate feelings about parenting and discipline. One of you wants to trust then verify and the other wants to verify then trust. One believe is more harsh consequences and the other believes in light consequences. The issue becomes that you both feel right about your position.
So what in the heck can you do about this? We could literally spend all day talking through each one of those and in fact we have done past episodes where we have dug deeper on most of these issues. If we tried to get a response to each of these it could be overwhelming
- So….Take a Breath. In fact take a deep breath! You are good enough. You are in the right place at the right time.
- Step back from the Trees to Look at the Forest. We often get so caught up in the day to day mess and craziness that we often don’t assess the overall picture and how much we have actually accomplished.
- Control what you can and give the rest over to God. This is hard if you are prone to anxiety, obsessive compulsiveness, or perfectionism. You cannot control the attitudes and moods of everyone in the house nor should you have to.
- Where is the Balance? Typically women want to take responsibility for too much and men typically don’t take enough responsibility. The two of you need to discuss where you are with this and determine where you fall short and then work to better come together.
- When it comes to your Wants and Needs and your partners, have a discussion that centers around the following:
- - Express Your Needs and Wants
  - When You Hear Those Needs and Wants state gently whether you can meet that need, meet it with some changes, or that you cannot meet that need.
  - If you can meet a need, then do it! If you can meet it with some negotiation then the two of you should work on that now. If you cannot meet it, then you need to ask can you both live with it not being met or is it a deal breaker for the relationship.
Ultimately, there is a lot of moving parts in a blended family and it will often feel like juggling flaming swords. You are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing. Again just remember you are in the right place at the right time with the right people.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes at how negative we can be as human beings and how reframing to a more positive mindset can shift what happens in your blended family. Science says that negativity acts like glue in our brains and that positivity is like a slip and slide. In other words negativity often is hard to get rid of and positivity is hard to retain. We will talk about this along with some strategies to shift into a more positive frame of mind. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If we are honest with ourselves, we often will stay focused on negative aspects of our spouses or kids behaviors and conversely spend little time thinking about the positive.
Think about the last time you went out to a restaurant that was mostly a great experience but with a few things that either could have been better or that were not good at all. How do we respond when someone asks us about our experience? Generally we will say something like, “Overall it was a good experience, but the bathrooms were not clean, the server didn’t bring my request for garlic aioli, or my order of fries were cold.
Isn’t it interesting in that example above that we speak in generalities about the positives, but get really specific about the negatives. We do the same thing in our important relationships. We might say he is a good husband, but I don’t like that he leaves the toilet seat up or he is generally a good stepson except that he treats my daughter terribly.
What if we thought and spoke differently. What if we said the quality of the beef in the burgers was tremendous, our server was extremely friendly, and the price to quality was very good, and really there was just some minor issues we had that we didn’t like.
Same goes for our relationships. What if we said, my stepson is very thoughtful with most people he encounters, he gets great grades academically and somehow is able to deal with the transitions well when coming from his father’s house to us, but he does have difficulty in a relationship or two.
This slight subtle change in what details you give can enhance what others think about you but can also help your attitude and mood toward those in your family shift toward the positive as well.
Why is this hard to do though? According to an article in Psychology Today that I will post in the show notes, called Our Brain's Negative Bias there is evidence that our brain is more skewed toward holding the negative.
In an experiment by John Cacioppi, Ph.D. while at the Ohio State University, he that the brain fires more when presented with negative news far and above when it presents positive news. This probably goes back to the days when we were so called cavemen and cavewoman and had to fend for our lives against animals that might be our predators. Our brains needed to be much more alert to the negative because this meant a possible life or death situation.
So if I am honest with you, I have what I consider a filing cabinet in my brain. In it I will place all the positive and negative experiences there. Then from time to time, without me fully being aware or conscious I will open the file cabinet and search the files until I find a negative one. I will put out the file, lay out all the papers on the desk and then study them intently for many minutes. At some point I realize what is happening and I have to mentally collect all of the papers, put them back in the file and lock the cabinet.
But what if we took this a step further. Here is one recommendation I have for you to begin to change your negative thinking about your spouse or your children or stepchildren.
Take the mentally negative thought and write it on a piece of paper. Ponder it for a few minutes making the mental decision that rather than it be placed back in the file cabinet, that it needs to be destroyed forever. Then I would suggest doing something like burning it up so it changes form and that you have a visual of it being changed forever.
Secondly, when you notice having a negative thought about a family member, think about what is actually good about what is happening. Let me give you a real life example. At some point I started to think that I initiated a kiss more times than my wife did with me. I remember my attitude toward her started to sink. I even went so far as to tell her about my thoughts and this of course did not go well. Slowly over time I decided to start thinking about what was good about this. I began to realize that everytime I initiated the kiss, she would never reject that. I began to feel much better and even happily pointed this out to her.
Thirdly, think about your first mental thought about something is presented to you. Is it negative or positive? Keep a log of when someone asks you something and whether or not you think about how something won’t work or why it can’t be done or instead are you thinking about the possibilities and why something will work? Scientists call the negative response being cognitively lazy in that when we are negative we can then choose not to do anything which feels less taxing and draining than saying yes to something that requires us to possibly change.
Why is this important in a blended family? It is so important because we often do not realize the volume of negativity that has been uploaded into our brains over time. From the disappointment of a previous marriage that has been dissolved, a partner rejecting you, or maybe a child choosing to live with the other parent can all begin to rewire your brain.
I would highly recommend that you listen to my Mindfulness Mini-series which are specific episodes on how to retrain your brain to begin to recognize your thoughts and also how you are reacting and responding in the here and now. Those episodes are Session 40, Session 41, and Session 42.

Resources:

Our Brain's Negative Bias
Intro to Mindfulness for Remarriage Part 1 - Session 40
Individual Mindfulness Exercise Part 2 - Session 41
Couples Mindfulness Exercise Part 3 - Session 42

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer takes a look back at parenting. The show has done many episodes on parenting and by far issues and questions about parenting in a blended family are the most often confusing and perplexing issues. We will talk about my favorite 10 episodes that we explored parenting. If you have not listened to these, I would encourage you to do that and if you already have listened, then listen again to those that you might still be struggling with. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In the The Remarried Life Facebook Group, I recently asked the question, “What do you struggle with the most in your blended family journey. And almost 100% of the answers centered around parenting. Whether it be different styles, difficulty in uniting with your partner, or different expectations, it is a topic that continues to baffle many people including me at times.
Over the life of this podcast, parenting is something we have taken a look at on many occasions and today I wanted to highlight those episodes that I think could be very helpful with whatever issue you might be dealing with when it comes to this exasperating topic.
Session 12: Four Parenting Styles – Which One Are You? - In this episode we talk about the Authoritative, Authoritarian, Neglectful, and Permissive parenting styles. They all revolve around answers to questions centered around closeness and rules. The best place to be is to say Yes to both closeness and rules or to Authoritative.
Session 17: Contracts to Motivate Stepchild Behavior - Sometimes motivation can come in the form of a written document in which parents and teens can both feel empowered to change what is going on.
Session 38: Parenting Through the Guilt of Divorce? - This is a very common issue in which many parents feel that they have already put their children through enough and so they will often take their foot off the gas when it comes to boundaries and discipline.
Session 52: New Stepdad Tips - Becoming a new stepdad is hard. It is hard to know how to step in discipline and to manage impatience and anger through the process.
Session 66: New Traditions for Kids in a Blended Family – We often think about traditions in nuclear biological families and that maybe in stepfamilies that we are somehow not allow to develop traditions of our own to give the family something they can be proud of when thinking about this new family. Listen to the out of the box ideas in this podcast episode.
Session 69: Anger and Making Decisions About the Kids – This emotion is a lot like the guilt we talked about in episode 38. Making decisions when you are angry rarely ever goes well. We talk about how this anger affects children and how to deal with your own anger in a productive and constructive manner by remaining calm, getting support and thinking about what would your kids says when they are adults.
Session 71: Purposeful Relationships with the Whole Family – This is another sort of outside the box episode where we talk creatively about how to engage the different personalities in the family. For example, starting a game night but rotating who leads. We talked about the appreciation wave at the dinner table, where each person stands and says something they appreciate about the person to their right.
Session 80: New Stepmom Tips – Being a stepmom is so tough. Juggling all the responsibilities can sometimes be too much. We will talk about practical ways to lighten the mental and emotional load.
Session 89: Who Comes First Your Spouse or Your Kids? – This is a tough subject because I will get lots of disagreements on this one, because often people will say that the kids are most important because they are mine biologically, or look at all they have been through, or you can fend for yourself because you are an adult. So not the right approach and we will talk about that on this episode.
Session 90: Signs Your Are an Insecure Parent – This is something lots of struggle with and sometimes it has to do with our past. Often if there was a perfectionist mentality for your growing up, then if things aren’t perfect you will look at them as failures. This can cause a great deal of anxiety so we will look at ways to cope better and make changes.
Hope you enjoyed this look back at all of the great information being a better stepparent.

Resources:

Session 12: Four Parenting Styles – Which One Are You?
Session 17: Contracts to Motivate Stepchild Behavior
Session 38: Parenting Through the Guilt of Divorce?
Session 52: New Stepdad Tips
Session 66: New Traditions for Kids in a Blended Family
Session 69: Anger and Making Decisions About the Kids
Session 71: Purposeful Relationships with the Whole Family
Session 80: New Stepmom Tips
Session 89: Who Comes First Your Spouse or Your Kids?
Session 90: Signs Your Are an Insecure Parent

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the old cliché about doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So how about doing different things to expect different results should mean the wholeness and wellness. Today we will talk about some practical ways you can practice being different for one month to see if this changes your perspective, your partner’s actions and reactions. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

If you are doing the same old thing day after day in your relationship things can get downright stale and sometimes your relationship can even start to move in the wrong direction.
If this is happening do not despair, this is actually quite normal and the longer you are together with someone you will certainly see and feel some ebbs and flows in the your relationship and in your attitude and feelings toward it.
So we must be intentionally to make this relationship be all it can be unlike our previous relationships which may have gotten off the rails before we realized it was too late.
We are going to embark on an exciting 21 day challenge to help strengthen our relationships.
Why 21 days you ask? Science says it takes at least that long for a habit to actually take hold and form so that more permanent changes takes place. There is some disagreement based on what it is that you are changing in that it could take longer, but let’s start with 21 days.
This is going to be all about just doing small things, because it is the small things done consistently that can have a big impact.
Let’s talk about the different categories of things you can do to make a difference and some examples of things you can do.
Verbal Changes:
- More positivity
- Less negativity
- More compliments
- More appreciation
- Make requests more gently
- Be more supportive of your partner’s goals
- Something of Your Choice
Touching
- More hugs
- More kisses
- More hand holding
- Back Rubs
- Foot Massages
- Something of Your Choice
Acts of Kindness
- Do a Chore Normally Done by Your Partner
- Make your partner’s favorite meal
- Write a Love Note
- Clean Your Spouse’s Car (or have it done)
- Make Your Partner’s Lunch
- Something of Your Choice
Gifts
- Favorite Magazine
- Favorite Candy
- Coffee Gift Card
- Movie Tickets
- Something of Your Choice
So how should you go about organizing this next 21 days. I would encourage you to do it in one of two ways.
You could sort of clump each of the 4 categories, so for example do gifts for 4 days in a row, the verbal changes for 4 days in a row. Gifts for 5 days in a row, and Acts of Kindness for 4 days in a row. Of course you can do some other order.
You could do each one category one day, then the next category for one day and so on. Just basically wash rinse and repeat every 4 days.
So what to do if you are not getting the response you want? Keep doing it. This is our secret so keep pushing ahead for 21 days.
This won’t be as easy if you are not getting the appreciation for what you are doing, but if you are Christian like me then there is one who sees what you are doing and is well pleased. In fact here is what the Bible says about what you are doing, “"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Matthew 25:23
One other thing you can do is post in the Facebook group regarding your intent to do this and how it is going, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Putting this out in the atmosphere for others to see can hold you accountable for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about the the topic of insecurity especially with regard to being a parent of both biological children and stepchildren. The issue of insecurity can cause lots of problems for you, your spouse, your kids and the ex-spouses. We will talk about ways to recognize this and hopefully make some changes to be more secure. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Insecurity in my opinion is one of the biggest causes of instability and the rockiness that often invades a blended family. As if it were not tough enough to bring kids and families together after a divorce and new marriage, insecurity can often cause several steps backward and a step forward, the several steps backward again.
Often we think about being insecure as a function of our environment or what others are doing. But believe it or not that is not the actual definition. The definition of insecurity is “uncertainly or anxiety about oneself” or lack of confidence.”
If we think about being insecure as coming from within that can certainly be tough pill to swallow sometimes but it is typically more true than you know.
So let’s start with where these insecurities come from and again if you solely believe they are coming from your current spouse, the kids, or the ex-spouse, I hate to break it to you but this is probably not true.
If we look at 100 families in the exact same position as you are with the way in which the family dynamic works, the attitudes of the kids, and the attitudes of the ex-spouses, we would find different layers of insecurities present. Why is this? It is typically multi-faceted buts look at some possible reasons:
- Abandonment can cause childhood insecurities where you may have felt abandoned, either by a parent truly not being a present or one that neglected you.
- Perfectionism during childhood where you parents would push this and that if you weren’t perfect then maybe you were a failure. Again making you feel like you were not good enough.
- Past relationships in which you have been abused physically or emotionally can cause insecurities again potentially making you feel like you don’t measure up.
When you feel slighted by a decision or something that is done to make you feel unstable, you will know you are insecure if your inner critic asks the question, “Why are they doing to this me” rather than “Why are they doing this?” If you are thinking about yourself and what you think is being done to you it might be a sign that you are insecure. If you are able to think about why someone else is doing something and what it is about them that might be a problem, it could signal that you are more secure about yourself.
Here are some other ways to combat insecurity:
- Talk to your spouse about the issues and get to know how everyone operates in the family and this would include the ex-spouse. Have an open mind about these things and in this way in can reduce you feeling “slighted.”
- Are you doing enough for yourself or in other words do you have your own life outside the life you lead as a parent and stepparent. This can help give you a balance and can help increase your self confidence in difficult situations.
- Focus on others more than yourself. Get curious about why others are doing what they are doing. Come up with several reasons as to why you think a child might be more loving toward a step parent than you. It might be something you are perceiving that is not true. Maybe they are just trying to make you jealous. Again many of these potential reasons really have nothing to do with you often times but are more a function of what is going on inside the child.
- Realize the perfectionism you have within yourself may not be completely attainable by others. You potentially have set the bar so high that others will have difficulty reaching it. So reducing the bar others have to cross can sometimes be helpful so that you do not let yourself down.
- What would you say to a friend in similar situation who is feeling insecure? Most likely you would not tell them to continue to beat themselves up because of what others are doing or not doing. You would tell them to be gentle on themselves because after all there are lots of moving parts and lots of people that you cannot fully control. And taking the blame for everything not working right is not productive.
- Sometimes seeking out professional counseling for you as an individual can be extremely helpful. I know for me as a professional counselor, I can typically spot immediately those who have been through counseling before. They are very insightful and have a great awareness of themselves.
Feeling insecure however is completely human especially when you find yourself in a blended family situation and are trying to parent children who are not biologically yours. However just remember that most all members of this new family probably have insecurities as well.

Resources:

Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner – Session 56.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the very common issue of putting your kids before your spouse in a blended family remarriage. Sometimes this is done very consciously and directly and other times it is done subconsciously and indirectly. I cannot express any more clearly that we need to place our spouse above our children. Looking forward to talking about this issue today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In a blended family it is often easy to put your children first. After they are your blood and your spouse is not. Sometimes people do this very intentionally and clearly as I will occasionally hear this in my counseling practice. Often though it is done unintentionally through the following:
- Parenting from a place of guilt which often means not being united in parenting decisions with your spouse.
- Not discussing decisions you make with your ex-spouse about the kids with your current spouse.
- Not following through on decisions that you have agreed upon with your spouse about the children.
Sometimes I will hear one partner state that their spouse will never take a place above the children. They will use the analogy of a burning building and that if they choice was to save the kids or their spouse, they would save the kids everytime. Usually when they say this they will often talk about how kids can’t fend for themselves and I certainly get that. But when we dig deeper it is usually an attitude that pervades more than just this unlikely scenario.
If I am honest, I indirectly put the children before my spouse in both my first marriage and second marriage.
- In my first marriage, I put doing things between the 4 of us (my spouse and I and the 2 kids) ahead of making a priority the time between the two of us. I often thought that this is just how life was supposed to work while the kids were younger
- In my second and current marriage, I would often not be a united front with my spouse regarding the care and parenting of my daughter
In my life and maybe your when you do these things, you really do communicate that your spouse is not the priority. The kids are. Most parenting and child experts will tell you that this is not healthy for kids
Kids need to see united parenting, parents who are affectionate with each other and parents who make time for each other outside of the kids. Now of course the younger your children are the harder that this will be but here are some strategies for this.
- Couch Time - Design a small amount of time while the kids are awake that you say this is our time and that it cannot be interfered with by the children. It can be done in the open say on the couch if the kids are too young for you to feel comfortable going in another room to talk. If the kids keep interrupting just keep stating that this your time. The younger the kids are the more you might need to do this.
- Date Night – Schedule regular time outside of the children. If you are low on money and can’t afford babysitter then plan a date night in your home after the kids go to bed. Set up a picnic, play cards or a board game or just talk.
- Compromise on the Issues – Nothing will say to your spouse more that they are most important than if you are willing to compromise and give a little on issues regarding the children
- Do What You Say You Will Do – If you say you are going to discipline in a certain way then follow up with what you tell your spouse. If you want to go outside of what you discussed, then talk it over first with your spouse
- Be A United Front – Discuss situations before you take actions and be sure to discuss what if scenarios with each other to again make sure you are on the same page.
Remember the children will only be there for a time, but hopefully your spouse will last a lifetime.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about making everyday count in your remarriage and your blended family because we don’t know how long we have on this earth. It is easy to take things for granted and have the daily grind of life take over. But we often should take a breath and remember what is important and that is the adults and children in our lives. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today is a very somber day because my stepbrother passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Emotions are all over the place as you can imagine, and because he is my stepbrother it made me think about blended families in general and how we need to not take what is happening for granted.
In a blended family there is surely lots of good times and what feels like lots of bad times for sure. When it all gets overwhelming and we don’t know how to parent the different children and how to handle the different relationships be it biological or step, sometimes we just want to run.
But again and some of you may have experienced the loss of a child, as I know people that have. I can’t even imagine that pain. But imagine the pain multiplied if the relationship with that child is not where you want it.
As we know it takes two to make a relationship work, so you might be doing all you can to connect with your stepchild and it just isn’t working. I get it, as I have been there. In my previous marriage, my stepson did not necessarily enjoy what I enjoyed. He also had some what we now know as ADHD, but back then I just assumed it was laziness. While he is still alive and well that is from my first marriage that ended in divorce and so there was certainly some regret about my impatience with him.
While we all assume we should be given 70, 80, 90 years or more on this earth that fact is that this is not guaranteed. Even the Bible references the shortness of our time on Earth compared with the eternity in Heaven if we choose to accept that here. Here are some passages about that to think about:
- Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. James 4:14
- “O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Psalm 39:4
- For “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you. 1 Peter 1:24-25
So what should you do today with your family? Here are a few ideas many of which come from a great speech by Jim Valvano former basketball coach of the North Carolina State team that won the National Championship in 1983. He died of cancer about a decade later.
- Laugh Together
- Think Together
- Cry Together
- Pray Together (I added this one)
The key though with all of these is to do this together. Do some on your own but involve everyone in your family because you simply just do not know how long you have my friends.
Make sure you take care of each other.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about the most powerful ways that humans can connect. This is so very important in a remarriage because often we got these wrong before and if we can get them right this time, this next relationship just might last a lifetime. Things like empathy and vulnerability can go a long way in bridging a chasm that can sometimes develop between couples and in families. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Before we start, I want to make sure you and your partner both listen to this episode, whether together at the same time or separately doesn’t matter. It matters that you both not only are hearers of this episode but doers in a mental mindset shift.
According to a large group of fellow couples therapists that I know, I asked them to tell me in one word what the most impactful human connector is. They gave me so many great answers and we are going to talk about 10 of those today.
If your make these 10 a part of your lives as a couple, it can move your relationship to something so much more special than even you could have imagined when you started. Here they are:
Vulnerability is exposing yourself in such as way as to be capable of being wounded or hurt or opening yourself up to attack or criticism.
Transparency means being open and candid or being easily seen through.
Curiosity means being eager to learn.
Authenticity means being real or true to oneself
Empathy means identifying with or experiencing vicariously the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”
Acceptance means taking or receiving something just the way it is.
Compassion means feeling deep sorrow and also combined with a strong desire to lessen the suffering.
Mirroring means subconsciously imitating the attitudes of another. This one has a fine line in which great connection can occur or mocking can be felt depending on the genuineness of it.
Kindness means mild, gentle, helpful
Suffering means to undergo pain or distress and this one is a connector obviously when either one or both in the couple are undergoing stress from outside the relationship such as with a sickness or financial crisis.
We. The dictionary definition of this one because it says it is the “plural of I.” I love this because it means while you still maintain the I, there is a togetherness in this word.
In my opinion, relationships while they can be healthy and or restored if necessary by doing things like date nights and other quality time activities, there is something so much more powerful to these words that if you can apply them to your daily life in your relationship and family that it help a great deal to give you the marriage of your dreams.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about getting that second chance at marriage and family while exciting can also be very daunting. Today we will give you encouragement as you proceed on this journey of trying again. After all we are imperfect human beings and we need to know that getting another chance is what life is all about. We will talk about some of my favorite quotes and stories when it comes to second chances. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is born out of watching the Virginia Cavaliers college basketball team win the Division 1 National Championship a year after losing in the first round. They not only lost in the first round last year but they did so by being the top rated team in the tournament and losing to one of the last teams to make it in. Then if that were not enough they lost by 20 points! A year later they overcame the pressure and adversity to win it all.
Life, Divorce, and Remarriage often can feel like this. Whether or not you have reached the pinnacle like Virginia did or not, we all need some words of encouragement. Sometimes you may not feel like you reached the pinnacle and can breath until the kids are grown and gone but in the meantime hopefully today’s episode gives your strength.
Lets talk about 10 words of encouragement that have kept me going through this long and difficult process.
- "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt
- “If you are still breathing, you have a second chance.” Oprha Winfrey
- “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat: F Scott Fitzgerald
- “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Maya Angelou
- “Having a second chance makes you want to work even harder.” Tia Mowry
- Probably the greatest words we can find on second chances can be found in the Bible and one of my favorites in Psalms 103:12: “As far as the east is from the west- that is how far he has removed our rebellious acts from himself.”
- I’ll finish by talking about one of the greatest second chances and comeback stories I know and this involves a friend of mine. He admits to many that he knows that when he was married the first time that he had problems with alcohol and that he was not paying the best and most attention to his wife. However, after he gave up alcohol, he got a second chance at love with a lovely woman who forgave the things he did in his past. That woman was none other than the women whom he divorced years later. The story fortunately and unfortunately does not stop there, but he was involved a terrible car accident in the past 6 months and at least one of his legs was potentially going to have to be amputated. But not only does his leg not need to be removed but he is gaining much feeling back. So wow talk about an amazing redemption story in more ways than one!
I hope this has encouraged you to keep pushing forward no matter what. Don’t give up in doing your part to give yourself the best life possible in spite of past circumstances.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks how easy it is to get into the same rut with that next marriage. We have all been there and thought wow here we go again and we say “I guess this one isn’t going to work either.” Let’s talk today about how to make this remarriage last until well forever. We will discuss the 5 P’s or Perseverance, Patience, Person, Presence, and Present. Don’t just listen but begin implementing these today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We speak often on this podcast about how the divorce rate for each subsequent marriage gets higher and higher. The purpose of this podcast is to help you beat these odds and so that we can reduce this rate one couple at a time. So this is all great in theory but lets get down to business and talk about the ways we can achieve this.
We are going to talk about the 5 ways we can achieve a love and family that is built to last a lifetime. In order to make this easier to remember, they all start with the letter “P”
Patience is probably the foundational piece of the puzzle when it comes to going the distance. I ran my first marathon a couple of years ago and for sure the training was long and there were many ups and downs. In fact it took 6 months of training to run the 4 hour race. A remarriage is quite similar. You are going to be fighting against all sorts of issues with your spouse, your children, your stepchildren, the exes, the parents, and the list goes on. Short of abuse and infidelity, get pushing. Stay in this thing. There were times I wanted to give up for sure, but did not and now I am on the other side reaping the rewards.
Person is a strange word, but the idea here is get to know the quirks and differences of every person in your new family. If you know one child likes putting puzzles together, then spend some time with them doing this. If they like going outside to play ball, then do this with them. Now I am not saying you need to be a friend and be at your child’s beck and call, but pick some times where you might do this.
Presence – Just being there is very important. If you travel a lot or work long hours this is going to be very tough, but try find time to spend with your spouse and with each child. Be creative if you are away. Maybe do an online call where at least your face is seen by the family as just a check in. Try to do this at least once a day again if you are working late or are away. Don’t make the entire time talking about homework and the rules, but spend time encouraging each child regarding the things they are doing in school and with extra curriculars.
Present – This has all to do with being mentally there with your family. Sometimes if you have big projects going on at work, you might have a difficult time turning that off. It is amazing how many people mentally we invite into activities that aren’t really there. I have an amazing mini-series on implementing mindfulness into your life and relationship. The links are below in resources.
Perseverance – this is where we come full circle from where we started. Patience and Perseverance kind of goes hand in hand but each are a bit different. The dictionary definition for patience is “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” The definition for perserverance is “persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.” As you can see this one is much more proactive whereas patience is more about being reactive or actually.

Resources:

Couples Mindfulness Exercise - Mindfulness Mini-Series Part 3 of 3
Individual Mindfulness Exercise - Mindfulness Mini-Series Part 2 of 3
Intro to Mindfulness - Mindfulness for Remarriage Part 1 of 3

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks money as he digs a bit deeper to discover what drives differences in this area for partners. Usually money is more than just making a budget together. Money differences can stem from childhood issues and your core values regarding what money means. We will explore this on today’s episode and what you can do to help feel better about some of these differences. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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We often hear that money is the one issue that drives more couples apart than any other. This is true to some degree but in general there is more to it than just the money.
We often think that it might simply be an issue of having too many bills and not enough money or maybe one of you spends more than the other. While these are certainly issues that are important often it is something deeper.
Here are some of the issues surrounding money that you may or may not have thought about that could be causing an issue. It is important to have a discussion around these issues.
- What were the money issues like for you growing up? And what do you remember growing up? Was money tight or were there no issues about getting bills paid? Were you given extras or only the necessities? Depending on what your family had growing up will certainly drive how you feel now about money.
- Did your parents mostly agree about money issues or did you notice a lot of tension and disagreements around money? This can sometimes either cause you to look for things you disagree about with you spouse or can make it hard for each of you to compromise.
- What are your core values surrounding money. Does money mean things like status, security, enjoyment, or control? There is a neat exercise in the Prepare Enrich Couples workbook on Page 16 that you can answer questions to discover what your value about money is. Take it and encourage your partner to take it as well and have a discuss about this to discover each of your values around money. My wife and I differ just a bit on this piece. I probably equally look at money as some status and security where my wife looks at it more as security.
- Do you each have similar or different goals for money? This can cause issues. My wife and I are generally similar in this area when it comes to what kind of house we want to live in, what kind of food we want, what kind of transportation, what kinds of vacations, our view on credit cards, among other issues. The Prepare Enrich Workbook on Page 18 has a great exercise on this to try as well with each other.
- What would you do with a large amount of money that came in immediately. I like to ask couples the question, what would you do if I handed you $50,000 right now. It is interesting to know whether people would pay off bills, go on vacation or make other purchases, make repairs on a home, invest, or put it under the mattress. Of course there are probably other ways to spend but you get the idea. This is an interesting conversation that you can have with each other.
Ultimately communication is typically the best way to overcome money issues with each other. Do it with an air of patience and curiosity. Remember the initial discussions are centered around exploring and not problem solving. When you get into problem solving too soon it usually does not go well because you don’t feel heard yet and neither does your partner.

Resources:

Prepare Enrich Couples Workbook

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about the history of divorce. We often think that it is a recent thing but really it has been around for awhile, although it has changed over the centuries, decades and years. Divorce as we all know has had a major impact on many lives and we will explore all that and more today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Divorce has been around for awhile and in fact the first recorded divorce in America occurred in 1643. The male was accused of abandoning his wife for another woman. He ultimately admitted this to be the case. Although it is unclear what happened, apparently he suffered some sort of punishment for what he did.
If we think about England being one of the most dominant cultures in history they really did not have divorce before 1700. However in 1857, they instituted what they called the Matrimonial Causes Act and a special court was implemented to deal with divorce.
So even though in history there were cases of divorce, it is really a recent phenomenon. What does the Bible say about divorce. Generally speaking God will allow divorce only in situation where there is sexual immorality – i.e. adultery or abandonment. Now the Bible does not explicitly state abuse as a reason, but it can be implied that this is not acceptable and that one should flee from this situation. Jesus talks about this in regard to fleeing from persecution in Matthew 10:23: “When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another.”
Let’s fast forward a bit and talk about the change in divorce in the 20th Century (the 1900’s) especially in the United States.
1900s: You had to prove you significant other had done one of those three things we mentioned earlier in the Bible – adultery, abandonment, or abuse.
1910s: WWI was raging and while divorce was happening it was women who were blamed for this for the most part. The decade was the precursor to the 1920’s where women began to fully come out from the curtain so to speak to stand up for themselves.
1920s: This was probably the first so called sexual revolution in the U.S. where women began to assert themselves more and rather than again stand behind the man they began to speak out. Think about the right to vote they obtained during this time. Interestingly something called Trial Marriages were established at this time where couples could try out living together without getting married.
1930s: The Great Depression in the U.S. was happening at this time. This had a serious impact on both marriages and divorces as they both slowed due to the economic hardships that were created during this time. At this time one still had to prove that their spouse did something seriously wrong in order to be granted a divorce.
1940s: World War II was in full swing and men were away fighting the war while women cared for an entire household and in many cases went to work to support the war effort. Marriages increased before the start of the war, but divorce spiked after the war when the men came home and invariable life changed. While still having to prove a significant misdeed to obtain a divorce, the courts began to relax the standards.
1950s: The divorce rate declined during this time. Culture showed the happy All American family through shows like “Leave it to Beaver.” Family courts were established during this time which solely focused on matters like divorce rather than going through the regular courts. There was still an awful stain during this time as women were still found largely to blame for why marriages were not working.
1960s: This was the second sexual revolution in which divorce increased. Places around the country popped up to help people get divorces quickly especially if you did not want to go through proving one of the egregious issues like affairs, abandonment, or abuse.
1970s: No fault divorce laws came into existence. This opened the floodgates of divorce in America. This eliminated the necessity to file for divorce stating one of the big issues we mentioned earlier. Divorce was at an all-time high here whereas about 50% of marriage ended in divorce.
1980s: The No fault laws continued to be refined during this time. And in many states timeframes were implemented for separation before divorce. Also child support laws became more defined.
1990s: Mediation was the name of the game during this decade in which there was a push to seek amicable ends to marriage. Prenuptial type agreements especially those that spelled out the amicable divorce also became popular.
2000s: Something called the Collaborative Process took off here where the couple and their attorneys would all meet together to work together on an amicable dissolving of the marriage. The goal here was to avoid court.
2010s: Divorce rates and marriage rates are now declining in part by the millennial generation just not being as interested in marriage. Many of this generation say they don’t want the government involved nor feel like they need a piece of paper to show their love. Indeed times are changing and will continue to change.
As we know the Bible does not change it’s stance, but culture sure does and as we have walked through this today we can see that it changes decade by decade and often year by year.
If you are divorced and remarried hopefully today’s message was helpful to you to understand how much things have been loosened legally but that will still have an opportunity to make this next marriage the best it can be and to not give up on it unless we are abandoned or abused for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer mostly focuses on information, tips, research, books, and studies to help you in your remarriage journey. Today he focuses on some mess ups in his own marriage that he is somewhat embarrassed to admit but hopefully will help you in your remarried life journey. With a deep breath we hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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After moving past a previous marriage, we hope that we can get closer to perfect with that next marriage. We all have a more realistic view of life knowing that things don’t always turn out the way we want, but we certainly have a hope that they will.
Today I am going to focus on these issues, but I am going to spotlight myself. This episode is especially hard to do because I am human and I would like to always put my best foot forward when it comes to my image with others. But I think showing you how real I am will hopefully help you to know that you don’t have to be perfect and if you aren’t that ultimately it will be okay. You are going to continue to mess up and not get it right.
So here goes, let’s talk about the X things that I find most embarrassing in my remarried life journey.
At this point, I been married to my wife for about 14 years and I hate to admit that a couple of years in we had an argument so bad that I uttered the question, “Do you want a divorce?” Wow talk about the most terrible feeling in the world. I have had lots of self talk about that one, and I made the decision to never say those words again and fortunately I have stuck to that.
During some difficult times parenting my daughter, there we times where I sided with my daughter. I am certainly not proud of these moments and in looking back I did feel caught in the middle for sure. However, it came at a time where I made assumptions that my wife (my daughter’s stepmom) must have been talking in a way that I didn’t agree with (even though I later discovered this not to be true).
I once got so angry about my daughter not talking or sharing what was going on that I yelled at her at the top of my lungs. Again I felt caught in the middle because my wife was telling me I needed to be harder on my daughter for the things she was saying and doing, and I had moments where I flipped back and forth on my feelings on this. And one of my problems is that I will hold things in sometimes, just hoping that others will get it and do their part and when that does not happen I blow my lid. This is one part of my life that I have worked hard to overcome and something I am getting better at and certainly not proud of.
I let bitterness and resentment build up in my toward the actions my daughter was taking about not wanting to live with us anymore. I remember putting up an emotional wall and making decisions not to engage with or talk to her as much as I used to. I suppose this was a defense mechanism because I was tired of getting hurt.
This isn’t necessarily something I am embarrassed about but at some point my wife and I sought out help from some fellow marriage mentors at our church to talk about our parenting issues and differences. Of course, I wish we could have figured it out on our own but we needed help. At the time this was really hard to want to admit especially since we were marriage mentors ourselves. But nevertheless sometimes I have to admit when I need help and that was one time I needed it.
Not working early on in the marriage to set a plan for parenting and expectations early. This was a lot of the cause of the stress early on. So I embarrassed to say that I didn’t learn from the first marriage as much as I should have about making more solid plans to be a team on the issues. Instead of I subconsciously made the decision to meander again through a marriage and sure enough it hit major rough patches.

Resources:

Session 16: My 3 Mistakes After Divorce

Session 64: My Depression and My Divorce

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how birth order affects kids when families are blended. It is tough enough for kids to go through certain issues because they are born at a particular spot in the order, but sometimes that order can be completely thrown off when a remarriage occurs. We will talk about birth order and the effects that remarriage has on this in today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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You may have heard a lot about birth order. In the simplest terms it is the order that child is born and the place they hold within the family. So for example, if you have 3 children then there is a first born, a middle child, and youngest child. But that is probably where the simplicity ends.
There has been all sorts of research about birth order and what this means for each child but then we will take things a step further by talking about the impact a change in birth order can have during a remarriage. There is controversy on this subject as to whether or not birth order truly affects personality and I am on the fence about this topic but nevertheless it is interesting to delve into.
Lets talk about the different positions in birth order and what researchers tend to think it means especially through then lens of Alfred Adler, who was an Austrian psychiatrist who lived from 1870 - 1937:
- First Born tended to want to be perfect, high needs for words of affirmation, highly intellectual. He also said that first borns can tend to dominate social situations.
- Second or Middle Children – Since they are aware that there is another child that came first these children can tend to be competitive or even rebellious. He also said that they may have a tough time finding there way in life. Somewhat like the first born they also look to be praised. Since they are in the middle they can often learn to be peacemakers and work to negotiate between members of the family.
- Youngest and Only Children – Since this child might often be coddled and spoiled, he says that often this child can become selfish. He also says this child can appear to be confident and have fun with others. Being told “No” especially for an only child can be difficult for them. Only children tend to be more mature according to Adler.
- Twins – Even though they are the same age, one typically is seen as the more dominant and more active child.
- Age Gaps – Adler says that if 3 or more years are between the children then this can cause differences in the birth order personalities to arise. For example if the second children was born say 8 years after the first child then it would stand to reason that both the first and second child might operate like an only child.
Ok fine, now we understand a little bit more about birth order but what happens when you divorce and remarry and now this gets turned on it’s head. Lets say you have a 6, 8 and 10 year old and your new partner has a 9, 13, and 15 year old. This means that several of the children’s order is now completely juggled. So your 10 year old went from being the oldest to now more like a middle child. Or your partner’s 9 year old went from being the youngest to a middle child. Very tough indeed for each of these kids
What happens when your first born for example has to cede more “control” to a child from the other spouses family.
Or what happens to that middle child who may already feel somewhat lost becomes even more lost.
How about the youngest child who may have gotten lots of attention and now gets less because there is someone even younger.
What can help in this situation:
- Have a discussion with your spouse about this birth order dynamic and what it might do to the children. You each will have a good understand of who might be affected the most here.
- Knowing that According to research if the age gaps are more pronounced then it will tend to have less of an impact on them when things do change.
- Research also says that the older the child is then the less this birth order change should impact them. This makes sense because the younger the child, the less of a frame of reference they have these changes and less life experience to draw upon when these changes are made.
- Make sure the kids have friends and other relationships outside the family so they are not solely reliant on relationships with the new siblings.
- Communication with each child is key to help identify what their concerns are with having new siblings of different ages appearing. Ask them what they feel like to know that they are no longer the oldest or youngest etc. Of course understanding that the youngest children may not yet have a full grasp on what this all means.
- Make sure each child still have a place (hopefully a separate room but if not a well defined place in a room with their own space including desk and drawer space that is not mixed with anyone else.
- Allow each child turns at planning different events like dinner or activities. Again this will give the children that may have been bumped from the oldest spot a chance to feel like they are making a contribution again.
Along with everything else that changes in a blended family, having a strong awareness of birth order is key. Be united with your spouse to know that this is an important topic that should be talked about so that each child knows and understand how their new position is impacted and how they may have a new role but that this does not diminish who they are.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about the difficult process of integrating into a family from the perspective of the new stepmom. There are a lot of missteps that new stepmoms make and we will discuss those and how to approach these new and delicate situations so that everyone can have the best experience possible. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

You might remember if you have been listening to the podcast for any length of time that back in session 52 we talked about steps to help new stepdads. While that was several months ago, we want to make sure we give equal time to new stepmoms because your process can be just as difficult but in different ways to be sure.
As a new stepmom, you are generally juggling being mom, stepmom, wife, employee, business owner, and ceo of the household just to name a few. Talk about amped up anxiety in trying to get all of this right! It is not easy. So with that let’s talk about some common missteps that stepmoms might make during the initial parts of the journey.
- Making Changes too Quickly. Remember that the kids had a certain lifestyle and ways of doing things that when changes happen to quickly that it can make the journey more bumpy. Consider that most new managers and CEOs in new positions and new companies are advised to just take it all in for at least the first 90 days.
- Parenting Too Quickly. This issue is both the same for the new stepdad and new stepmom. If you attempt to discipline too quickly, it can often backfire by creating more resentment in your spouse and the kids. Also most importantly when it does not go well, it is going to create animosity and some anger within you.
- Allowing the Children to Step On You. You might be wondering about this one being in direct contrast to the point above. And it is not necessarily. The point above about not parenting too quickly refers more to being proactive with discipline and rigid rules etc. This point refers more to not being walked all over. Make sure you stand you ground when kids are rude to you, obviously doing it in a sensible way is important.
- Not Prioritizing Everyone’s Time. You should be mindful of the time that all the kids need with each other, need with you and need with your spouse. When you integrate large families with lots of kids it is easy for the time dynamics to shift and for someone to feel left out with the amount of time they spend with another family member. What is the easiest way to fix this issue? Just ask each family member if they are getting the time they need.
- Getting Upset When You See that Your Stepkids Favor Your Spouse. Unfotunately this is going to happen. And there may be nothing you can do about this one. As much as you would like to see things being equal between the two of you just remember to pay attention your own thoughts and feelings regarding this. If you find yourself getting bitter and resentful just ask yourself why this is happening.
- Talking Badly About Your Spouses Ex-Spouse. This will be on the quickest ways to alienate yourself to your spouse or your stepkids. Remember that your spouse may feel somewhat caught in the middle regarding needing to make sure everyone is working as a team. If you are consistently going against your spouse on trying to keep the peace with the other parent then just realize you are going to hit some turbulence.
- Not Prioritizing Your Time With Your Spouse. I am saving this one for last because I do believe it is the most important one. This one is very common. With everything going on it can become easy to let the relationship with each other slip. This is where you can let little things like other family members drive a wedge in between the two of you.
Think about these things we talked about today and while I am not saying you have to completely eliminate them, just become more aware of them in your daily life. Working to change many of these issues should help to some degree your family blend together a bit better. And it can help with your mental health as well.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how divorce can affect children in ways seen and sometimes in ways not seen especially as they get older. We will talk about this and ways to lessen the impact of an already devastating event in their lives. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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As you know divorce can have devastating impacts on your life including emotional, mental, and sometimes even manifest in physical pain. I remember back to my divorce and had some difficulty with depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating and then for me it was stomach issues. So divorce is certainly all encompassing on our own health.
Of course as we know there is someone else that gets impacted by the divorce and that is the children. I call this collateral damage in that while they may not be receiving the full brunt of the difficulties they can certainly be impacted. The unfortunate issue is that they can not only be impacted during their childhood but also into adulthood. I could probably could raise my hand as a child that was negatively impacted as a child of divorced parents. If I am honest I could say that a small part of my own divorce could probably be traced back to my parents divorce and not having a good model for what a solid marriage should have looked like.
There are certainly psychological effects on children, but researchers have found that some children bounce back faster than do others. According to an article at the website called verywellfamily.com (posted below), they state that the first year after divorce for children is the toughest. This makes complete sense as the only world they have ever known has been turned upside down.
There is also an interesting difference in how kids of different age groups react differently to divorce.
- Preschool and younger children often simply fail to understand why the split and what is happening. There may be a fear about what is happening and a sense of being out of control. This can create a great deal of anxiety.
- For elementary aged school children, this group will often feel that they are to blame for what happened. This is a lot to carry around at such a young age for sure, but nonetheless it happens with this group.
- Teenagers will get angry about what happened. They may fall into a depression or look for one or both parents to blame. They can get angry and often resentment will creep in.
What are the specific ways divorce impacts kids:
- Most obvious is probably behavior problems like acting out at home or at school. For older children the behavior can turn risky like with sexual experimentation, drug or alcohol usage, and things like reckless driving.
- Emotional issues like depression or anxiety
- Academic issues like missed assignments, decreasing grades, and increased absences.
- Social issues like loss of friends or even a proactive rejection of friendships.
- Physical problems like extreme weight loss or weight gain due to the stress of the change in situation.
It all sounds overwhelming for sure but there are certainly things that both you and your ex-spouse can do to help you children adapt.
- Far and away the number one way you can limit these issues for you child, is to work together with your ex-spouse. This means cordial communications, where lines are open and there is a willingness by both of you to work as a team. The problem with this one is that there is usually some anger, bitterness or resentment that lingers that gets in the way.
- If this is not possible then at the very least, do not put your kids in the middle where they have to choose sides. Do not downplay your ex-spouse to your kids. Unfortunately it could be happening on the other end and this is hard to deal with for sure.
- Be consistent with the schedule of dropping off and picking up. Once again this takes two people, but kids need consistency in order to feel safe and secure.
- Be consistent with your schedule while you have the kids. This means consistent bedtimes and consistent times for play, schoolwork, and family time. If kids can notice a consistency in your home, then at the very least they will feel secure.
- Coparenting counselors can help and certainly individual therapists for the adults or the kids can help as well if anyone is having a hard time getting over the hurt and the issues.
Just remember the kids are your families legacy moving forward. If you have had divorce in your family through past generations you can still work to break that cycle as best you can for the future generations in your family.

Resources:

The Physiological Effects of Divorce on Children

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how romantic relationships have stages and that it is inevitable that we will pass through them all in order to get to the deep love that will last a lifetime. These are so much more important to know in your subsequent marriage because it can help you recognize where you are in the relationship and you can then determine if you are progressing in the right way. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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There are lots of articles and theories about what stages relationships go through. You find some that purport to have 4 stages and some that go all the way up to 10. No matter what the number we can all agree that our romantic relationship certainly do have stages. Of course it may not be clear that you have broken through from one to another because of a specific event although that can certainly happen. It usually is a slow shift over time.
Understanding these phases for those that have been divorced and remarried and so much more crucial to getting it right that we often think about. Think about these stages as a roadmap and without knowing where we are going or where we need to go we can often get lost.
Also there are things about each stage that are important to understand that might be transient meaning they will fade over time. Knowing this can help to not get upset as we transition to the next phase which should hopefully be deeper and more meaningful.
According to the website called “Exploring Your Mind” which has interesting articles about psychology, relationships, and emotions, they discuss 5 stages:
- The Infatuation Phase – Emotions, Passion, Intensity, Differences Don’t Really Matter and in fact they seem kind of cute. The focus is on things you have in common.
- The Knowledge Phase – Discovery of Differences, The Differences are met with More Realism. So while the differences are negative so much yet, they are not looked at through rose colored glasses as much.
- The Coexistence Phase – Start thinking about the future and do things get married, move in together, buy a home. This phase can occur rapidly in a remarriage because we think we know what we want and often maybe this is true. There are lots of reasons though we can sometimes get to this phase quicker than when we were in that first marriage. Age definitely matures us. Having already been through a cycle of a relationship can also move us more rapidly through the stages.
- The Assertiveness Phase – This can be a period of beginning to think more about the self. Individual needs can sometimes start to appear more in earnest. This can be a positive or negative depending.
- The Growth Phase – Carrying out joint ventures like having a family. This stage is hopefully where you feel the deepest connection to something that will be long lasting and not end until death rather than a previous marriage or relationship that obviously ended before that.
Of course the issue with remarrieds is that the phases can last different amounts of time that they would in a first marriage.
Additionally the Assertiveness Phase and the Growth Phase can actually happen at the same time for a remarried thus blurring the line between these and maybe causing our brain to lack the ability to feel good in each of these stages since they are blurred.
It is certainly important to understand these phases because it will help you understand what to expect as you hopefully continue to move forward.

Resources:

The 5 Stages of Romantic Relationships

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about the very common thought of wanting throw in the proverbial towel on another marriage and the blended family. There are lots of reasons that the next time around we have thoughts of moving on even though we went through so much pain the time before. In fact sometimes it feels like it could be easier to move on again since it happened once before. We will talk about this issue and how to work through it. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Wanting to give up can be a common issue if you are a human being. If you have gone through a divorce like most of us, it can be an even more common issue.
There may not be much we can do to prevent this type of thought entering into our mind, but the more important thing is what we do with that thought. Do we continue to dwell on it, do we look to take some action to propel us toward giving up, or do we accept it as a natural or normal part of life but at the same time take actions to repel away from this thought. Let’s talk more about this issue.
Let’s start by talking about famous people who were presented with events that most people would understand if they wanted to give up but they did not.
- The author of the Harry Potter series, JK Rowling was turned down by 12 publishers. As of this recording, over half a billion books have been sold.
- Between 1878 and 1880, Thomas Edison and his team tested well over 3,000 designs for lightbulbs before landing on one that worked.
- Henry Ford failed twice at developing an automotive company and even went bankrupt losing investors money probably the equivalent of millions of dollars today. Somehow the third was a charm and the start of the Ford Motor Company.
Imagine had these people given up on their dreams.
You have had moments I am sure where you have tried and tried to make the new marriage work. You have tried to enter into parenting the stepkids. You have tried to be united with your spouse regarding how to parent all the kids. You have tried to be friendly with your ex-spouse. You have tried to be friendly with your spouse’s ex-spouse. You have tried to make the relationship with your new spouse’s parents family. Maybe one or more of these areas aren’t working.
So it is no wonder you may have had feelings of wanting to give up. Let’s explore why feelings of wanting to give up especially for us who have dealt with this issue in the past.
- One or both of you in your past relationship made the decision to give up. Since it happened once before, it sort of broke the ice on this subject maybe in a bad way to open you up to the idea of it.
- You made it through the recovery from giving up on a past relationship. In other words as painful as it was you came out on the other end and realize that if you got through it once you can get through it again.
- The kids not blending and not listened to you as an authority figure can certainly lead to feeling of wanting to give up.
- You thought you chose your new partner with more of your head than your heart, but different issues have arisen and it becomes maybe even more perplexing than the end of your first marriage.
- You thought that you had been through enough pain for a lifetime in your previous marriage that you may have gone into the new relationship figuring that this type of pain and hurt would ever happen again. When it does even to a small degree, it can feel overwhelming
Now that we have talked about reasons that giving up thoughts might happen, lets talk about ways to work to lessen the power this may have over you.
- Work to compartmentalize the issues as best you can. This means dealing with each issue as it comes and to not let things pile up.
- Work on the concept of forgiveness. This means offering and accepting forgiveness often. Practice this with each other and with the kids.
- Weigh out the positives against the negatives. Often we get flooded with all that we see that is negative that we forget about what is positive.
- If thoughts of wanting to give up come in the immediate aftermath of a conflict, work to calm yourself down and see if the thoughts continue. Often they will not.
- Discuss with your spouse these thoughts and ask if your spouse has these as well. Chances are good that you probably have had these. Of course coming at this from a place of wanting to work on things in spite of the thoughts can help.
We hope you find today’s episode to be helpful in understanding how common these thoughts are and what you can do to slow or stop this from getting a strong hold of you.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how spiritual or religious differences are a very common issue that can cause problems in a remarriage. This issue may be more common for remarrieds especially as you have older and maybe more settled in your ways. We will talk about this issue and give some helpful tips. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about how spiritual or religious differences may cause a divide in your relationship and in your family.
Let’s first talk about the difference between spirituality and religion. These are different and each can cause it’s own issues.
- Spirituality: being concerned with the human spirit or soul instead of material or physical things.
- Religion: the belief in a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God.
So that is the dictionary definition, but I like to define these words in different terms.
- For me spirituality is all about a relationship with God. It is a heart connection and everything else grows from that.
- Religion to me is more about the daily practice of working to get toward God whether or not your heart is right or not. For example someone can go to church, read the Bible, be a “good” person and not necessarily have a close relationship with God.
Now that we understand some of the differences, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Are my partner on the same page spiritually?
- Are my partner on the same page with regard to religious practices?
If you are not on the same page spiritually, then you might have the following issues:
- You will differ in how to have a relationship with God. According to Christianity, God defines the only way to have a relationship with God is to surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Other spiritual connections do not believe this and in fact some argue that you don’t serve the same God.
- When times get tough, you will both be turning toward something different. One will choose a personal relationship with a living and resurrected savior, and as far as all other spiritual connections it is my understand that there is no being that has died in our place and was resurrected.
When it comes to religious differences, these are more about things happening in the here and now in your daily life. It can cause issues like the following:
- Where to go to church if at all?
- What type of people to associate with? Those who are fellow believers and who are not?
- What resource to use to gather strength for life. Believers in Christianity will use the Bible and others will use something else.
- What should the children believe? Some couples will say that they can believe whatever they choose. This means that they will be receiving the spiritual and religious foundation from outside sources. So you may find that they choose neither and choose something else. How would this feel to both of you if this happened?
- What holidays should be celebrated? Maybe you have decided early on in your relationship to do more than one. This works now but will it always work?
- When an outside third party is sought to help with your marriage would you seek a Christian pastor? If so how would that fit in your relationship?
- What will you use to define your moral compass which is what is to be used as the instrument by which a person’s ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly.
If you have differences in these areas what should think about:
- If you are dating and not yet married, you may want to seriously consider everything we talked about today and weigh that against pursuit of marriage. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I will say that the Bible does say this about these differences, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
- You might now be asking yourself, what if I am married to an unbeliever or someone of a different faith. According to the Bible, it states that you should not leave an unbeliever and that the only time this is acceptable is when the unbeliever voluntarily wants to go. See 1 Corinthians 7:13,15.
What should you do:
- Have non-defensive conversations about your beliefs
- Understand each other’s childhood and where these beliefs may be rooted and the importance of them.
- Ask questions about each other’s adolescence and whether or not belief systems began to change.
- Ask each other about early adulthood and whether or not things changed even further
- Talk about previous marriages. Was there an equal yoke? If so what did you practice together and how did that work? If there was an unequal yoke, talk about those differences.
- Discuss present feelings and practices toward your spirituality and religious practices. Brainstorm asking each other what if questions about how certain practices would be resolved with each of you.
This is an important subject that you owe each to talk through patiently and work on a way to resolve or respectfully accept differences.

Resources:

This is an important subject.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
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Brian Mayer talks about how more common a prenuptial agreement is for those that are getting married for the first time and for those that are getting remarried. It is a complicated issue that involves more than just finances, but often times the idea of trust or lack of trust enters the picture. Today we will discuss this issue along with some things to watch out for with regard to a prenuptial agreement. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Prenuptial agreements have been around for a long time. Most of us know what these are, but in case you didn’t let’s talk about what that is.
- The dictionary definition basically says that it is “an agreement made by a couple before they marry concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail.”
- It can not only contain information about current assets, but can also describe what happens with debt that is brought into the marriage, and can also describe what might happen with future assets as well.
Some interesting statistics around this idea of prenuptial agreements are written about in an article called “19 Interesting Prenuptial Agreement Statistics” which I have posted a link to in the show notes. Now remember this was written by an attorney so there could be some bias in this article toward the acceptability of a prenuptial agreement from a legal standpoint.
- He noted that it used to be much more prevalent for men to intiate a pre-nuptial agreement, but women are now closing this gap.
- 44% of singles report that having a pre-nup before entering marriage is a good idea. Of course this means a majority of 56% say it is not a good idea.
- 15% of people who have been through a divorce regret not having one in place.
- Only 5% of divorces in the U.S. have a pre-nup in place
- Of those surveyed, he says 62% of people say requesting a pre-nup agreement sends a negative signal.
- Over 50% of those surveyed said that signing a pre-nup would increase the chances of experiencing a divorce later on in marriage.
An interesting story you may have seen recently centers around the CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos and that he and his wife of 25 years are divorcing. They are worth personally around $137 billion dollars and have no pre-nuptial agreement in place. Their assets will be split but apparently according to law it does not necessarily need to be split 50-50. Again whether or not you thing a pre-nuptial agreement should have been signed is probably a debate for another time.
Since I am not an attorney, we will not be talking so much today about the legal aspects of whether or not this is a good idea but will more talk about the relational aspects and that if you do enter into one what might be some best practices to ensure your relationship is not negatively impacted.
Here are some things to consider when it comes to a prenuptial agreement and the impact on your relationship.
- Work out existing trust issues first. These could be generated by infidelity or other betrayals that happened in past relationships, maybe the two of you came together as the result of an affair you had, or maybe there are other betrayals that have happened since you have been together. If any of these are the case, the chances of a prenuptial agreement going well are certainly reduced.
- Begin Planning and Even Finalizing the Pre-Nup Well Before the Wedding Date. Are you giving the prenuptial agreement enough time to marinate and be processed by you and your partner. If it is tossed at one of you days before the wedding or in one case I heard it was done the night before the wedding, then chances are increased that there will be issues.
- Are you talking about it in advance of it being drafted? This will help
- Are you drafting it together? Do each of you feel that you have an equal voice. This is a tough because usually the income, assets, or debts are disparate so there may be an inherent difficulty in feeling equal.
- Make sure everything is disclosed. If you leave something out and it comes up later this can also cause major trust issues.
- Adding Clauses like saying something about that you will exhaust all efforts like counseling etc. to save the marriage if the marriage hits a tough spot before considering divorce.
Obviously proceed with caution when it comes to this idea of a prenuptial agreement because it can certainly have an impact far beyond anything financial.

Resources:

19 Interesting Prenuptial Agreement Statistics by Brandon Gaille

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how the very common issue of how alcohol use can affect one or both partners or and can have a detrimental impact on the relationship. Often we as human beings will minimize our usage and the types of trouble it causes. Today we will take an in depth look at this issue. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Alcohol is a very common issue as we know. It affects lots of people, lots of families, and lots of relationships. Today we are going to talk more about this topic and how it affects our lives.
Did you know that according to a 2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, that around 86% percent of adults 18 and over report drinking alcohol, 70% or so report drinking in the last year, and 56% in the past month.
So what this says it that most of us drink at some points. But is drinking in and of itself a bad thing. There is certainly a debate on light alcohol usage being a problem as you may have heard studies that talk about the benefits of consuming small amounts of red wine on occasion.
Physically speaking light alcohol consumption can cause some issues but that are more easily reversible. There have been studies that show that in 90% of people that consume more than a half an ounce of alcohol per day that fat increases in the liver. Again though with reduction this will often decrease.
Even spiritually speaking, the Bible seems to suggest again that light alcohol consumption is acceptable. For example, in Ecclesiastes 9:7, it says “Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink you wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do.” However, it does talk about getting drunk on wine as being unacceptable.
Relationally speaking you might recall times where you went out with your partner or others, enjoyed an alcoholic drink and have a fond memory.
However, alcohol issues are well documented in the issues they cause. Let’s first talk about the different stages of alcohol use. This according to an article called Stages of Alcoholism (link provided in resource section).
- Occasional Abuse and Binge Drinking
- - 5 or more alcoholic drinks within 2 hours for men and 4 or more in that same time period for women
- Increased Drinking (drinking occurring for these reasons)
- - Excuse to get together with friends
  - Alleviate stress (relax)
  - Boredom
  - Reduce sadness or loneliness (self-medicate)
- Problem Drinking (results that may occur):
- - Change in Friends
  - Relationship issues
  - Decreased social activity
  - Difficulty having conversations with friends
- Alcohol Dependence (not yet addicted)
- - Nausea unrelated to hangover
  - Sweating
  - Severe irritability
  - Racing heart
  - Tremors
  - Trouble sleeping
- Addiction
- - No longer drinking for pleasure, but drinking for a physiological or physical need
  - Other compulsive behaviors are present
  - Physical issues can include damage to liver, heart disease, brain damage, malnutrition, and mental health disorders
After going through this do you think alcohol might be an issue for you or your partner. Alcohol use is probably more prevalent in remarriage because of the difficult nature of divorce and all the issues that go on with the complications we endure.
Part of the issue with alcohol use is that none of us think we have a problem with but this is certainly far from the truth.
Along with that issues of not thinking we have a problem, means that we may think we don’t need to seek help or in fact may completely refuse any kind of help because the issue has so gripped us.
Best ways to get help for alcohol issues in your family
- Call SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). It is free and they will refer you to a state funded treatment program or a program that charges on a sliding scale. Go to their website for more information including lots of free useful pamphlets that you can see immediately. The link for that is also below in the show notes.
- Alcohol Rehabilitation in your area can be a helpful resource. These facilities generally offer in patient meaning extended stays and outpatient services.
- Alcoholics Anonymous is a group resource where you can talk to others who also struggle and gain support and encourage and accountability.
- Al-Anon is for those of you that are worried about a loved one with a drinking problem. You can get support and meet with others who also have loved ones with issues.
- Individual One on One Counseling with a certified substance abuse counselor can also help for more less intense alcohol issues that don’t require in patient type hospitalization
Please take alcohol consumption seriously and think about the warning signs and issues and get help if you need it. There are lots of caring people out the ready to help and if you don’t find someone who cares, then hang up and try someone else.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this site does not constitute legal, accounting, or mental health advice, and there has been no professional-client relationship formed in the use of this website.

Resources:

Stages of Alcoholism Article

SAMHSA Helpline Website

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how comparing our family situation can cause us harm and not allow us to experience the love and happiness that might be right there all along. In the era of social media, we often see other families highlight real and don’t see the struggles. We will talk about this issue on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all about talking about the trap of comparison. Of course we will talk mostly about comparison with other blended families, but as we know comparison can get us in trouble individually.
Do you ever talk to someone you know like a friend, a colleague, or some other individual in your life and you see what you perceive is great happiness, confidence, and satisfaction in life? There is no problem in seeing this, but it is typically what our brain then does with this information that causes us issues. We can assimilate the information in many ways. Here are some examples:
- We can be thankful for them that they have things together and be happy that their life at least externally speaking appears to be working how they want it to be.
- We can be happy for them, but often wonder if maybe there are struggles. After all we all have struggles. Sometimes it might be good to ask if there are struggles. This sometimes has a way of connecting us with other human beings.
- We can begin to compare what we are perceiving in this other person’s life with our own life. Obviously when we are only seeing what I call the highlight reel and we compare it to the full scope of the difficulties we might be facing this can be tough and can quickly bring us down.
Staying away from comparison to other blended families can be tough to especially if we don’t know the full story. Of course you are not alone in the comparison game, because I guarantee others might be comparing what think is your perfect family set-up.
Let’s talk about some statistics from Judith Wallerstein who authored “Second Chances” and “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” which was a study over 25 years. Here is some of what she found:
- More than half, in 55% of children do not do well after divorce
- The study showed that 50% of women and 30% of men were still angry with their ex-spouse
- Most stated they never had a good working model for how a good marriage should go.
- Most divorced parents don’t provide the time, the right discipline, and are less sensitive because they are caught up in their own divorce.
Now you are probably saying to yourself, this is all and well and good but it is not other blended families and divorce situations that I compare myself to, it is those who are in first marriages and those that they have the so called nuclear family.
- Well as we know the oft quoted statistic which we are all familiar with and have that is lived is that first marriages end 50% of the time.
- Of course this means that 50% of first marriages were not happy, however there is a percentage that have stayed married who are also unhappy.
- There are different studies, but often it is quoted that about 60% of people are currently happy in their marriage. This means that probably about 40% of people you meet who are in their first marriage are not necessarily happy.
- Now these statistics are not given to make us feel better at other’s expense but more to shed light on the reality that relationships are difficult for lots of people not just me and not just you.
- In fact I think relationships with other people are one of the hardest things on the planet! You are dealing with another human being who has millions of brain cells that may be somewhat different than yours which leads into different personalities, and there are different life experiences, and different worldviews that cause differences in our lives and our perceptions.
Ways to Stop Comparing
- Putting God first in your life is probably going to be the easiest way to stop comparing. If you work to read his word and pray you can begin to ask him to open up your mind to what is good about what you have and how you can use that for good for others.
- Remember you are seeing others highlight reels on social media. This is not a true picture of their life it is only a representation of what they want you to see. Why don’t we create a social media platform called “Realbook” that forces us to show the scars and difficulties in our lives?
- Get deep with others. Have more than surface level connections with other blended families, but ask them what their struggles are and you might find something that you can help with.
- Putting your behaviors ahead and your feelings. Again if you are feeling that you don’t have the kind of blended family life you desire, then begin to make a plan (and don’t forget to include input from all family members) to make your family situation what you want.
- Focus on What is Already Good. This is often a cliched way of looking at life, but research shows over and over again that this kind of thinking does work.
Remember your blended family and life are probably like many others out there that you just don’t really recognize. Be grateful for what you do have and what you are not grateful for, make a plan to get it moving in a better direction.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how humor can help you remarriage and you. It had been long documented about how much humor helps people’s physical, emotional, mental, and relationship wellbeing. We will talk today about humor and the benefits it can have to help your remarriage be all that it can be. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Divorce, remarriage, and blended families can certainly be serious business. In fact sometimes it can downright depression. With all the difficulty in raising your own kids, the stepkids and dealing with a second, third, or fourth marriage it can be taxing on your mental and physical body.
Humor brings people together and has for a long time. While jokes and things you find humorous are great, then interaction between people regarding humor is really where the fun in that lies. For example, earlier today I saw a video of NFL players and funny touchdown celebrations. The funniest one I saw involved one player rolling a football as if it were a bowling ball and he “knocked” over several humans acting as bowling pins. While this was extremely funny, my first thought was wow I would love to share this with my wife. When I did share it I felt humor and funny in it increase for me.
Let’s talk about the benefits of humor:
- Humor let’s us escape the difficulties of life if only for a moment
- Humor is a defense mechanism to help protect us from the seriousness of life. Of course with all defense mechanisms, they can be good when used in moderation.
- It is good for your physiology. It can help relax muscle tension and can increase the immune system.
- During conflict humor can help reduce pulse, blood pressure, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Too many times that these stress hormones run wild in your body, can have detrimental impacts on your body.
- Humor can bring families together. Think about something funny said at the dinner table and how lot’s of times the entire family will laugh. This can create memories that last a lifetime.
- Humor when used by couples can help bring humanity back to each other. A lot of times when conflict is raging one or both of you can feel like the is a big inequality in your arguments where it becomes a chess match when one of you gets or feels like has the upperhand. Humor humbles us.
- The more happy and giddy and joking a couple is regarding their past generally means they have a good base for which with to get through current issues in life.
All this being said, means you should work to humor into your relationship with your partner and all of the kids.
Don’t be so hard on others in the family when they might be using humor as a way to protect themselves or as a way to connect.
Remember what the Bible says about humor. “There is a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:4.
Use humor wisely in your relationship.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about how we can get caught up in a very common negative atmosphere of a stepfamily. You might be riding the wave of this negativity but maybe it is time to stop surfing the wave and purpose to make changes. It’s hard to be a leader when the troops don’t follow though for sure. We will give you some helpful tips on this area. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

With the turning of the new year, now is a great time to really think about those relationships you have with your spouse, the kids and the stepkids. We can often get caught up in life and taken things for granted so let’s take a bit to talk through how to be more purposeful with your relationships.
Ever heard the bible verse, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This can be found in Romans 12:18. The key part of this is that as much as depends on you because we often know that you might do you part and still not get anywhere with the rest of the family.
My wife Heather has admitted she has often found that difficult, but she would say (and rightly so) that if my love and effort are not going to be reciprocated then what’s the point. She would come back to say something like well I am the adult and it is more so on me. Still hard though.
I also love this Teddy Roosevelt quote, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." This quote means that you should keep pushing because what you might be doing is certainly valid and good in spite of the reactions you are getting.
So now that you are inspired to do something different, what types of things should you do to help change the atmosphere in the family?
Here are some ideas:
- Start a Game Night and rotate who gets to choose what game to play. Also as an added bonus, allow the person that gets to choose the game to have the power to change one rule. The rule will then be called by their name. Of course make sure the rule change is clear prior to playing the game.
- Develop a State of the Union meeting that you can have individually with your spouse and then with each child. Depending on the size of your family, it might only be 15 minutes each. Make the meeting as informal and least scary as possible by doing the following:
- - Have a small snack
  - Sit side by side
  - Ask Questions like, “How has your last week been” or “What would you like to see differently in our family”
- At the dinner table, start what I call an “Appreciation Wave.” Have each person stand and say something they appreciate about the person sitting to their right (ask them to be specific, so if they say they appreciate their brother being “nice” make sure they give something specific that shows how they were being nice). Once they complete the appreciation, the next person can stand and state an appreciation about the person on their right. Of course make sure to switch up the seating or switch up which direction etc to give it a different feel every night.
- What are some things you have been thinking about doing? What would you like to implement in your own family? What is holding you back? Is it comments or attitudes by the others in the family. If you truly believe that what you want to do will bring the family together, then do it! You can change and tweak as you go.
Ever heard of the Minimum Viable Product in the business world. This a product that has just enough to satisfy some early customers but through time and feedback can continually be made better. Probably things like the smart phones and the continual different iterations that they go through is an example of this product maybe being minimally viable but continually having bells and whistles added.
Don’t be afraid to take a chance and implement something today. Often times the silliest and craziest ideas turn out to be the best ones. So make sure that this coming year is intentional and purposeful.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

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Brian Mayer talks about the transition from one parents home to the other can sometimes be difficult for all involved. We will talk about those difficulties and we will brainstorm some ways to do it better so that kids don’t take on the stress of the divorce or separation that the two of you are going through. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The transitions that kids (and you) go through when dropping them off and picking them up from the ex-spouse can be some of the most difficult times. It makes it harder when your kids are younger, because one is that you all have more time to have to deal with this transition issue and secondly you have to take more care and interact more with an ex-spouse if the kids are younger.
The transition can certainly be a painful experience for everyone involved. In some ways if things don’t go well, it can feel like a nightmare that plays itself over and over again every week or every couple of weeks. And of course you multiply that by two because you have to both drop off and pick up.
There are even situations where the transition is drawn up in the courts, but one or both of you stray from that. It may not be much of a problem if both of you are on the same page when it comes to these transitions. Often this is not the case.
So there is lots of things to consider when it comes to this, but what we will focus on today is how to make it better for the children. Hope to help you cope with your ex-spouse will come iDrn a later episode.
There are of things you can do to help the children, but I found an article on this subject to be so on target that I wanted to share the items. It is an article on the website called verywellfamily.com that was written by Jennifer Wolf. I will add a link to the show notes in the resource section so you can check it out.
Here are some of her suggestions to help kids with the transitions:
- Develop a plan with your ex-spouse up front
- Communicate with the Children Before
- Give the Children Choices regarding what to bring
- Ask them What they Might be Looking Forward To
- Discuss Communication Option While Away (get agreement from an ex-spouse)
- Develop a Goodbye and Hello Ritual that becomes something they can count on
- Set Aside Your Own Anger and Anxieties
Just remember as much as you hurt or are angered over the situation do your best to keep this to yourself. These anxieties and hurts will certainly rub off on your children.

Resources:

Making Custody Transitions Easier For Your Children: https://www.verywellfamily.com/make-custody-transitions-easier-on-your-kids-4123658

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how common it is for anger to play a role in making decision regarding how to share kids time with your ex-spouse. We will take some time to talk through this issue on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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What are the basic human emotions? Most people would say Fear, Anger, Happiness, Sadness are among the most common. All of these emotions can certainly drive us to do different things for sure.
Today we are going to focus Anger and the impact it can have on making decisions about the kids especially in regarding to how to share the parenting.
The interesting about anger is that it is generally considered a secondary emotion. What does this mean exactly? It means that another emotion is most likely at the root of what is really going on. Often anger boils to the surface, but what really might be going on below is embarrassment, feeling disrespected, depression, anxiousness, worry, insecurity, grief, or frustration.
I have to tell you that no doubt in my own experience anger came out when it was really hurt, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety among probably many other emotions.
The main issue with these primary emotions is that we must be able to vocalize them appropriately and in addition be heard and understood by another human being namely our ex-spouse. The problem that happens most often is that we generally either are not heard and understood or perceive that we are not. As a result emotions boil out in anger.
Most often nothing productive comes from anger. Now to be fair, feeling angry and behaving angrily are two separate things. You are more than correct to feel angry sometimes, but angry behaviors such as screaming, slamming doors, and throwing things is of course never productive.
So again while the emotion of anger is acceptable it is still good to get at the root of what may be going on for you underneath that root.
Have you ever made a decision to withhold a child’s time with the other parent, change the agreed upon time, or have an unhealthy exchange because of anger? You might be saying no but my ex-spouse always does. I definitely wanted to start with you because there are certainly cases where this might be you and that is of course much easier to deal with than the ex-spouse’s anger.
Let’s turn our focus toward the children. Is anger and the show of anger good for kids? I think we can all agree that when children see their parents spewing venom it is never a good thing.
Here are some ways that anger is shown toward children inappropriately:
- Arguing in front of the children
- Talking bad or down about the other child’s parent to the child
- Telling the children that the other spouse has abandoned you and the kids. This one could be true in some instances, but sometimes it is a perception.
How Does it Affect Children?
- They can resent one or both parents which is not healthy. Sometimes this causes artificial emotions walls to be built by children as a form of protection
- Sometimes children will show anger toward other children as a way of releasing what they are absorbing at home
- Anger can cause depression and anxiety in children because they will often believe that they are the cause of the anger issues
How Can you Deal with your own Anger or the Anger of Your Ex-Spouse
- Remain Calm. This one is easier said than done. Remember you will often go into fight, flight or freeze mode when you get upset. Start recognizing this more and learn to breathe.
- Get Support. Make sure your current spouse and you are united and on the same team. This can help make you feel like you are not alone. If you are not married, then friends and family are important.
- Think about your children as Adults. Imagine asking them this question, “How did the way in which I interacted with your mom/dad affect you?” Hopefully you would be able to connect unhealthy interactions with unhealthy outcomes for the children for sure.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about what the Bible says about Divorce and Remarriage. There is much debate on what Christians believe is appropriate about these two issues. We will take some time to sort these issues out on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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When it comes to Divorce and Remarriage and the Bible there are lots of thoughts about this issue. I will certainly give my own interpretation and maybe some will disagree.
There are certainly reasons that God’s word says that divorce is acceptable. Let’s talk about what the Bible says about when it is acceptable.
One issue that it becomes acceptable is found in Matthew 19:9 which says “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." This basically means that if adultery happens then it is acceptable. However Jesus is a God of second chances and that he does promote reconciliation. So that is what he would prefer if possible.
Abandonment by a spouse is another reason for the acceptable divorce. According to the Bible, I Corinthians 7:15 say that “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
Of course these are what I will call escape clauses and if you feel the need to use them or have used them then you are in the clear so to speak.
However I also believe that God is a one of second chances. So if you have decided that a divorce was needed due to other reasons, that God is a forgiving God. Matthew 6: 14-15 says “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” This means that even if your spouse has done something to warrant a divorce, that if you can forgive them for this, that he will also forgive you.
Ultimately because Jesus was sent to earth and died for our sins, that ultimately we will be forgiven for what we have done. And if we can forgive our spouse for what they have done that we will can more forward it whatever path we chose to.
Remember that some reasons for divorce are acceptable but that ultimately reconciliation and forgiveness is even more important.
Overall here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to your feelings of divorce and remarriage
- When reading the word of God, do not take specific passages in isolation but think about the Bible as a whole. A lot of times we will pick passages that fit our line of thinking but we don’t look at things in context.
- When others give you their perspective according to the what they believe the Bible says, go check it out for yourself. I would even say this about things you hear from your pastors or other theologians.
- Pray about it and then do a lot of listening to God. Often we talk, talk, talk to God and give him a laundry list of items that we need or want rather than just listening to what he says about divorce and remarriage.
- Finally remember that our God is a God of Second Chances. Jesus said so often that while he did not come to abolish the law, that he came to fulfill it. What does this mean? It means that while those laws are still there and that we should do our best to follow and obey them, that when we do not that we have a Saviour in Jesus that will forgive us. As a result we do not have to go backward, or do several things to attone for what happened.
- Take care and know that you are forgiven for what happened.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Brian Mayer talks about how you are in this remarriage and blended family situation and no matter what you say or do, you feel like nothing works. What does this mean? How do you handle this? How should you move forward? We will tackle all this and more on today’s episode. We hope you are inspired by what you hear today. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Remarriage and Blended Family situations are among the most tough situations you will ever face in life. This is not like hammering a nail into a piece of wood, cleaning dirty dishes, or putting a bandage on a paper cut. This is much more complicated than that and it is more complicated because it involves lots of people of all ages with different feelings, motivations, and agendas.
Remember the Rubik’s cube? The 6 sided cube with 9 little squares of each side of different colors. The object was to get every side to be uniform with it’s own color. This was something I could never figure out and despite my best efforts was consistently foiled in my attempts to succeed at this puzzle. I got my first cube back in the 1980’s and unfortunately I have to say that decades later I have never been successful in solving it.
The same can be said for lots of us when it comes to blended families. You may never feel like you have fully solved this puzzle. This can be so extremely defeating that you could in fact feel like giving up. No matter what you say, what you do, what you try you feel like nothing works.
You have listened to all my podcast episodes, you’ve listened to other podcast episodes, you have read books, you’ve reached out to others in similar situations, you’ve prayed and you see that it is not changing.
So what do you do now? I am going to offer you some suggestions and these suggestions are more about taking care of yourself through this situation. Today is not about giving more advice on what to do differently or what to “try” to do to get others and the situation to change.
Here again is what I want you to do today:
- Know that you are completely normal for what you are going through. As I have mentioned, research says that it can take 5-7 years for a blended family to begin operating closely to what a nuclear biological type family would operate and then there are a large percentage that may never get to this. Is this because anyone is doing something wrong? Often times the answer is “No.”
- Breathe and rest easy (easy for me to say I know!) knowing you giving it your best shot as a biological parent and as a step parent. You know what to do and yes while you might have differences of opinions with your spouse and the kids regarding what is right, just know that what you think and feel are very valid.
- Pray. This one is tough because you might say look I pray all the time every day and things just don’t change. I cannot deny that this is probably true. What I would say is change how and what you pray about. Make your prayers to God one in which you are focusing on the time spent with Him and that you are simply looking to get closer to Him and not that you are focused on a laundry list of needs or wants. Just think about a friend you might go visit. If your visits were all about what you needed and nothing else, pretty soon your friend might not be so accommodating and possibly feeling like the relationship is one sided.
- Positive Self Talk. Pay more attention to the conversations you are having with yourself in your mind. If you are like me, you will often discover that you might be beating yourself up. You might focus more on the things you are doing wrong versus the things you are doing right. Or maybe you are personalizing those negative things you’ve done to define your character or who you are. The things that have resulted or things you have done do not define your character.
- Take care of yourself. Go do something on your own or maybe buy yourself something. Of course be careful and don’t try to find happiness in other things, but from time to time we all need breaks and to do things for ourselves. You definitely deserve it for all that you have been through in trying to hold this blended family thing together. Maybe a flavored coffee or a massage might be in order for today!
Is this going to solve everything? Of course not. But that is not the goal here with what we are talking about. It is more about taking care of yourself through some of the pain and difficulty of being married to a second, third, or spouse beyond and trying to raise kids from different backgrounds and situations.
The goal today is to be a bit selfish. Not in a mean and demeaning way to the rest of the family, but it is more about being kind to yourself.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how kids come to know they and their family are special by the small traditions that are developed over time. Often in a new stepfamily, new traditions are either sometimes not developed or they are met with criticism by the child. We will talk today about that difficulty and what to do about it. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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When we get older we often think back to the special little moments in our lives growing up. The moments that are often the most special are the ones that are repeated often. In addition they are often the ones that are the simplest.
What are traditions? The dictionary describes it as “the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation.” When you put it that way we can now see the importance of this issue in families.
There is a problem with traditions though when the nuclear family gets dissolved through divorce. Often these traditions are either stopped completely, or continue different sometimes through one parent only. This can be very disruptive to children for sure. Especially when the traditions are changed it can even create some animosity toward the parent not involved in the tradition any longer and even worse the new parent that comes into the new situation.
Developing new traditions are important. Unfortunately we as stepparents will often not engage in anything new or stop something when we meet resistance from the child. There is no doubt this is difficult and we can often justify shutting something down, but we should try to push through this resistance.
I have some fond memories of small traditions that were built by my parents after the divorce I went through as a child. For one my father often when he picked me up on Fridays to go to his house for the weekend, would do something special that I still remember to this day. Back then, packs of Star Wars or Baseball cards were something like 25 cents a pack. He would buy me 4 at a time, and I think he may have given me the dollar to pay for the cards with the clerk. I remember spending lots of time looking through the cards, sorting them, reading through the information and especially learning the baseball statistics on the back.
Some parents might say this is spoiling a child in that they come to expect something everytime something happens. However, as in the example above it does not have to be anything that extravagant. In fact it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything that really costs money or something that is a material good.
I remember another tradition that involved Christmas and this one was with my Dad and Stepmom as well. Around Christmas time after the Christmas tree was put up, decorated and lit up, my stepbrothers and I would ask to sleep out in front of it for at least one night during the Christmas season. It was such a joy to wake up in the middle of the night to see the warm glow of lights. Forty years later this is still such a special memory. In fact this was one that I carried on with my own daughter as she grew up.
What kind of traditions are you building in your stepfamily? Is there a fear in starting something? Have you started something only to have it be met with lots of criticism. If it helps, I grew up as I have said in the homes of divorced parents and to be sure I am sure I verbally criticized and mentally critized lots of things that were done in both families. However looking back those things I criticized were actually things I grew to love and appreciate as I got older.
Ever heard the verse Proverbs 22:6 which says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” You can of course apply this to lots of things like discipline but I think you can also apply it to traditions. The key part of this verse is “when he is old.” This means that it is possible and probably liking that your child will reject what you are doing for a time but eventually they will come back to it and do this with their own children. So again the message is do something for your stepkids in light of a longer term view.
Here are some ideas for traditions:
- Develop something around leaving and coming back together such as the cards idea. I always remember having waffles as the morning breakfast when I would leave my father’s house on Monday mornings. Develop something for the kids that they can come to expect and enjoy during this transition time.
- Around the dinner table, ask everyone to talk about 3 things – what is something that happened that day, what is one thing they fear coming up, and what is one thing they are looking forward to. This will help them know that you are encouraging and listening and not just their to correct and discipline.
- One day a week allow your child to wear clothes that don’t match. This will be tough for those of you that are somewhat obsessive compulsive and have some anxiety about the desire to control how the kids are viewed. To be sure some people will wonder what is going on, but you can tell your kids to let people know that one day a week they can decide. Of course when kids get older they will begin to make their own choices but this will help the younger kids.
- For the older kids especially the ones that can drive, maybe allowing them to drive the family to dinner out every Friday night could be something fun that they will always remember.
These are just a few examples of some traditions. Take these ideas and morph them into your own or maybe go in a completely different direction. You get the idea!
Don’t forget to join the Facebook group by going to the show notes and sharing your new traditions and how they are going and being received.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about distressing events in the life of a remarriage. If you are together for any length of time, you are going to experience a pretty weighty issue at some point. It might be a financial calamity, a health issue, an accident or any other number of difficult obstacles. We will talk about these issues today and ways to cope and even overcome. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

It is said that in life we are either entering a storm, going through a storm, or leaving a storm. We aren’t promised an easy life for sure, and these storms are sure to be tough.
Maybe it is an accident of some sort that has caused bodily injury. It could have happened on the job or at home. I know several people who have fallen from ladders while working on their home. In fact I know of two women whose husband’s have died as a result of these falls. Talk about the most terrible thing that could happen at that’s it.
Car accidents are another sometimes awful event in our lives, and in fact this is something my wife and I recently experienced. The healing is slow but especially for Heather my wife she is getting there.
Health scares with things like benign tumors that turn out to be nothing more, to more terrible diagnoses like Stage 4 cancer or a stroke will cause life to stop for a moment for sure. Over 25 years ago, my mother had an aneurysm which is similar to a stroke and ultimately died from the complications of that issue.
Other things like drug and alcohol abuse can cause difficulty in a marriage for sure. In fact I see this issue quite a bit in my counseling with couples. More often than not the couple may not quite see and understand this as an issue. However, it can certainly cause high conflict, violence, depression, and financial issues just to name a few.
Job loss which can cause great financial hardships is something that you may have gone through. This can cause difficulties for couples and families and can also cause hits to self esteem, depression, and anxiety waiting to find another job.
Other issues like affairs which we talked about quite awhile in an earlier episode can rock a marriage and in fact many times will lead to divorce without help and work on that issue.
No doubt one or more of these issues will come, and so often there may not be much you can do to prevent something like this from happening. So it is really all in how you deal with it as a couple that counts. Let’s talk about some of those ways.
Mindset Shift: All too often issues and problems in a marriage are seen as well that’s “your” problem or this is “my” problem. However this can lead to feeling hurt and alone. It is better to think of these things as “our” problem and we will get through this together.
Friends and Family: During the difficult times do not be afraid to lean on those people that want to help. You might not like asking for help or maybe there is a pride issue, but when you don’t take help you will prevent your friends and family from being able to give and be blessed in return.
Regular Couple Meetings: Make sure to set up regular meetings with each other to discuss the issue, what needs to get done, by when, and then most importantly check in with how each of you are feeling about the issue. This is an easy one to mess up with ill feelings, conflict and criticisms so when you have a tough time return back to the “We” mentality
Past Distressing Events: Be sure to discuss past issues and how you both overcame them. Often when talking about everything you have overcome, you can both often draw from strengths and ways in which you solved problems together. This is a great confidence builder.
Have Fun Together: This one might be the hardest because you might be overwhelmed with all that comes with a distressing event. However it is important to do something like a date night, plan a picnic, or a couples massage. You brain needs a break from time to time to help in dealing with the issues.
Trust in God: For me this is the most important one of them all and the one that can sometimes be tough especially if you are in the middle of the storm. With the recent car accident we were in, God could have just as easily decided to call one or both of us home. However, he did not. We understand that eventually we will all be called home, but for some reason he chose for this not to happen right now. For us this means the we have more of his work to do here.

However, for those of you that have lost a spouse or a loved one too early this trust is not as easy. We are humans and so it is very hard for us to deal with or understand why we see that some loved ones don’t get the life we feel they deserve. In my opinion, I believe God knows and understands this. He will be patient with you, so as much as it depends on you keep working on that trust. In time he usually reveals what his plan for you in all of this is.

Would love to hear in our Facebook group how you and your partner have overcome a distressing event in the life of your relationship.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer talks about his own battles with depression during his divorce and how he overcame this. It took several years and many trials and errors but learn how he finally worked through his issues. Everyone is different and divorce will look different for everyone so learn to discover what works for you. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today we are going to be talking about depression and divorce. Unfortunately for most people these two things go together like peanut butter and jelly. It is difficult to avoid some depression during this tumultuous life event. In fact researchers say next to the death of a spouse that divorce is the most stressful thing that you will ever go through.
I wanted to share a little about what I went through and the dark hole I found myself in for several years. I am not going to get into the details surrounding my divorce, like who did what, and who was responsible for what because that no longer matters. It happened about 20 years ago and certainly time has healed all of that, so at least for me those things are no longer relevant. However, let’s just say as I look back indeed there was much on both sides that we could have done better to not lead us down that path.
Again though this is a story about my journey. Don’t worry though there won’t be anything you hear that will be alarming or difficult for any age to hear.
You often hear that even things as big as divorce and no matter how long ago they happened, still seem clear and vivid. For me this is not so, as this time has become somewhat hazy to me as like an impressionistic painting where it is hard to see clearly the details. In fact if I do ever think about this time or how I felt it is as if I am describing someone else or the events of a movie I am seeing on the screen.
This big thing for me when the separation and divorce started to unfold, is that a wave of depression certainly crashed over me. It’s like when waves keep hitting you are you go from being completely submerged to getting small moments of breath. But it’s like they aren’t enough. At some points you begin to expect the waves, and even the small moments of breath no longer feel good because you know they are just momentarily.
While I never contemplated suicide, I certainly had days where I didn’t have the energy or desire to do much. In fact there was one occasion in the evening where I was by myself, and I turned off all the lights in the house, laid in bed with the covers over my head. All the while my mind kept flashing backward and forward. I would replay all the negative events of the past and then look forward through the lens of despair.
I remember the days of feeling like a zombie. It was as if I was two people. One was working hard to making my brain work, making me talk, making me work, making me take care of my daughter. The other was making me have only energy to lie down, making me ruminate over past mistakes and the gloomy future ahead. These two battled quite often. When I was around others, the one that would make me engage would win out. When I was alone, it was the one that said I needed sit and think would win out. What a draining and difficult time this was.
I remember on days alone I would rifle through old pictures of my family thinking about what was and what could have been. It was strange but while there would be a quick pick me up of endorphins by seeing these happy photos, the despair would quickly set in and then I would end up feeling worse. One thing I have never done in my life are illegal drugs so I can’t comprehend addiction like that however, from what I have read and understand in some ways my brain was acting and functioning just like this when I would look at these old photos. A huge high but only briefly and then a long and hard low would follow.
I would like to tell you that this went on for just days. However, it didn’t just go on for days, it didn’t go on for just weeks, it didn’t just go on for months, it went on in force for probably at least 3 years and if I really think about it a 4th year was kind of a transition out. A long and hard road indeed.
For some there may be a magical moment when it all comes into place and everything makes sense. For me it was not this way. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions over those years for sure. The grief process seemed to slow to crawl many times and I often wondered if I would ever get out.
I am going to tell you some things that helped me and so as you listen certainly think about these things and think about what might help you.
- First, I did turn back to God toward the end of my marriage. From age 15 or so to around 28, I did not step foot in a church nor even so much as think about opening the Bible. I probably prayed during this time, but indeed it was probably a lot of selfish prayers and getting angry at God for what I thought he was doing to me. I would like to say the immediately that my bad feelings went away, they did not. I recently heard that when you pray God says “Yes, No, or Grow.” At this time he was saying “Grow.”
- Socially engaging with others as part of a small group that met on Friday nights. The ironic thing about this group is that they were all married couples except for me. However, they made me feel welcome and at home. For a brief couple of hours I could partially put aside my feelings about my life and focus on something else.
- I physically moved from Ohio to Florida. This is a long story and could take another podcast episode to talk through but this one ultimately helped me a great deal. I think the sunshine helped me mentally and physically and then just getting away to a new environment also helped. They often say that running from your trouble doesn’t work but in my case it did.
- For a short time, I did go through counseling and took medication to help with the depression. This indeed helped for a time and if you have depression that it sticking and won’t go away I would encourage to highly consider these options. Of course I am not a doctor and would ask that you consult one. I once had someone tell me that we take medicine for all kind of physical ailments, and so our brain is an organ just like any other that may need help from time to time and there are medicines that can do just that.
- While this is tough, making sure to get involved by volunteering at different functions is important. I never did fully dive into something like this permanently, but I would do things on occasion that maybe were sponsored by work when it came to cancer fundraising and different events like that. It was a help to me to know that in spite of the difficulties I was going through mentally and emotionally that I could still help others.
Honestly, today’s episode was hard. Really I probably didn’t give you as good a picture as I would like regarding how deeply despaired I was. If this is something you are going through right now, I can promise you that as Galatians 6:9-11 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”
It may not seem like it now, but there is a hope and future laid out for you. Sometimes we have to spend quite awhile in the valley while we are growing and working through this. However, as I have said before if the pain becomes to great you must seek help. If you situation is dire and you feel you have no hope please call the National Suicide Prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Don’t give up. You are going to ultimately do something to help someone else right where you are today. I am living proof that this can happen. Had I not gone through what I did, you would not be listening to my voice right now with this great desire to help you my fellow friend walk through divorce.

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Today we are going to talk about food. We all love it, maybe sometimes a bit too much. We all need it. In fact in general most studies show we can go about 30 days and that’s it. Most of us probably feel like we can’t even skip a meal let alone 30 days.
Today we are going to talk about food and the way in which it connects people and more importantly a family.
Before we talk about that here are some funny quotes surrounding food and people that I love:
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments” Chris Rock
- “You better cut the pizza is four slices because I’m not hungry enough to eat six” Yogi Berra
- “Food is not just eating energy. It’s an experience.” Guy Fieri
- “Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate” Jo Brand
Some of my favorite memories about growing up in blended family situations involved food.
- My mom made the best peanut butter fudge. The creamiest, most sweet, most hearty thing on the planet. To this day, I don’t really care too much for chocolate fudge, but peanut butter fudge is an entirely different story.
- My stepmom made lots of good meals but the one that stood out the most was probably the most simple. She would put a hot dog on a piece of bread, put a slit down the middle, fill it with a slice of cheese, fold it together with a toothpick, and bake it in the oven. I remember salivating as I watched the crust get golden brown and the cheese bubble.
- The first meal my wife ever cooked was chicken enchiladas. You have no idea how much I appreciated this and how good it made me feel. There was only one issue and in hind sight something I should never have brought up! The chicken tasted like it might have been freezer burned. I said something like I think something is wrong with the chicken, not realizing that she might take this to mean her cooking was the problem. Needless to say I haven’t lived that one down.
I’m sure you probably have lots of stories about how food has played a special part in your life. Whether it be things about how you grew up or in your current family.
Food often accompanies happy times like birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and so many others milestone events.
It’s also used as a comfort after funerals as well.
There is just something about how food does unite us, and who doesn’t need that at this time in history when it feels like we are so divided.
I would encourage you to make food a part of your family as a way to connect stepkids with each other, with the step parent and even with the biological parent.
One way in which we did that involved my daughter as a teenager. As I remember we would ask her to cook one meal a night and it could be something of her creation. She made something with pork, green beans, coconut milk and some other spices and veggies. It was delicious!
What are you doing to use food as a way to connect each other? Here are some ideas:
- Just like we did, assign the kids especially if they are teenagers to cook one meal a week. If you have more than one teen, you can have them do it together as a team or you could rotate and have a different child every week
- Involve the kids in meal planning. Give them some say in some of the foods you prepare. Of course, you may not want to have gummy bears for dinner one night but see if they can come up with an idea for a tasty side dish. Then name it after that child. For example, maybe it’s Jacob’s Creamy Sweet Potato Casserole or Megan’s Cooked Carrots and Brown Sugar. Feel free to be even more creative than that.
- If they come up with a meal or a side dish, then have them go with you to the store to buy the specific ingredients. Talk to them about cost and amounts that are needed.
- Enroll your child into a kids cooking class. These classes are designed to be fun and interactive. A quick search on the internet will locate many of these especially if you live in a decent sized city.
- Find a local farm that allows visits and gives tours so that kids better understand where the food comes from.
- Visit a farmers market and have the kids pick out the fresh vegetables and fruits and other items needed to make dishes of theirs or your selections.

Of course lots of kids give resistance when it comes to this idea, so make sure to make it as fun and interactive as you can.

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Brian Mayer talks about the small stuff. It’s the little things like developing habits around how each of you like to be greeted after time awhile from each other and how you like to part. Having conversations around what you like and don’t like is the first step. Then taking action is the next step to develop good habits around this idea. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The idea of greetings and goodbyes for couples is an often overlooked subject but so very important.
When I was a child I can think of an instance where a greeting stood out to me. My grandmother always wanted to greet me with a hug. Although I tended to squirm especially when I was really young, I do remember having warm feelings of being loved by her. As I look back this is something that has always been special to me.
The same goes for couples. We need these small greetings and goodbyes in order to feel good about our relationship.
It is quite interesting the way in which people greet each other around the world. Here in the United States we often think about a hug and a kiss. However here are some other ways people connect:
- In Japan, bowing is a common greeting
- In Kenya, a dance is done to greet someone new
- Thailand, people will press their hands together as if in prayer and bow the head
- In Haiti, men shake other men’s hands while men and women will kiss each other on the cheek
- Kissing on the cheek between all sexes is very common as a greeting in South and Eastern Europe
How do you greet each other after not having seen each other say for the day because of work or what about how does your greeting change when you go longer?
Talk to each other about the greeting, what you like and what you don’t like. Make changes to accommodate you both if necessary.
What about good-byes. How are these handled.
Regarding good-byes, I always remember this with my Dad. I grew up in divorced homes. My Dad would pick me up every weekend on a Friday evening and would bring me back on a Monday morning. For most of the time, my mother lived in an apartment and I remember getting out of my Dad’s van, I would walk toward the entrance of the apartment, go in and make sure the door was unlocked to our apartment and then I would come back out and wave my Dad on. Again another small example at the time that showed me how much he loved and cared for me that he would wait to make sure I was safe.
One thing I noticed about my wife and her family is that they have a really neat way they say good-bye to each other. They will sometimes curl their wrist in kind of a very loose ball and then wave up and down. I am not completely sure where this came from, but I believe it was a way one of the kids maybe started waving to their parents and that they will do it now even as adults.
Heather and I will often blow kisses to each other as if to say make sure you take this with you when you leave. And as sort of cliché and unoriginal as it sounds, we will say “I love you” upon departing.
With these habits once you begin doing them, you will notice rather quickly if you miss them. If for some reason I forget to say I love you then I will generally text later and say I forgot to tell you that I love you so I wanted to make sure you knew.
Just as with greetings, how do you typically handle good-byes as a couple?
Have a discussion with each other around how you want to part for the day. What feels good and what doesn’t? Work on implementing a change together.
Remember it is the small stuff often that will send your relationship on a path that is good.
What better way to celebrate the small stuff that to look back at the Bible. Most of you know the story of David, the skinny shephard boy who would ultimately be King. In 1 Samuel 17:40, “Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd’s pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.”
- Ultimately as we know David was little more than a boy when he struck down Goliath.
- The Bible says that Goliath was over 9 feet tall.
- But again it took a small boy and a small stone to take him down.
What small things regarding your greetings and goodbyes can you implement to tear down any walls you might have between you?

Resources:

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time. This is based on an article written by Terry Gaspard and published by the Gottman Institute. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We all know remarriage is different than the first marriage. However, often we don’t treat it differently and often we don’t do anything differently. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, just that we have never been taught.
What if when you were growing up your parents prepared you for what divorce and a subsequent marriage would look like especially if they went through it. Of course this is great in theory, but talking about that before it happens can put quite the damper on a first marriage if that hasn’t happened.
What if they would devote a class in high school and or/college to the pitfalls of divorce and the difficulties that you would face in remarriage. Again it sounds like by doing this we are not hoping for the best. However, because 50% or more of marriages end in divorce and as we know the more you get married the higher the likelihood that you will get divorce, then it would stand to reason that a course or class to prepare would be helpful.
Would anyone take such a course? Probably not, because who goes into a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. The number is probably pretty close to zero in less you are in it for something other than love.
So let’s talk about 10 ways to make marriage better the second time around. The article which will be linked in the notes below, is called 10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage.
- Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
- Practice being vulnerable in small steps
- Create space for quality time
- Discuss expectations
- Prepare for conflict
- Have your primary role as a stepparent be a friend and supporter as a rather than a disciplinarian.
- Communicate Effectively
- Attune to each other. This means giving your partner your full attention.
- Open Ended Dialogue. Do not make threats or ultimatums.
- Practice Forgiveness
Putting many or all of these into practice in your relationship can go a long way to ensuring that you have a better experience this time around.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down these 10 ways to make your relationship better. Then rate each on a scale of 0-10 in how well you think you do these things. So a “0” would mean I don’t do this at all and a “10” means I do this perfectly. Have your partner do this also.
If you are brave then ask your partner if he or she feels that your numbers are accurate. Remember be gentle to each other through this process.

Resources:

10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how important physical fitness is to your body and mind when dealing with divorce and also remarriage. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Let’s talk about my story for just a minute. My divorce happened almost 20 years ago. It was around that time that I realized I needed an outlet for my anger, bitterness, frustration, and resentment. I turned to all sorts of things for comfort. Other people, other relationships, television and movies, and sometimes alcohol. Thank goodness I never turned to any harsher substances or drugs but I know lots of people that struggle with that during a divorce.
I turned slowly toward physical fitness. I joined a gym and started to use the stair stepper and weights. I would take my daughter with me because they had a childcare set up where I think I would pay maybe a $1.50 for a couple of hours. She was around 2 at the time. She enjoyed it for the most part until she got a bit older.
I remember the first time at the gym pretty vividly. An employee said she would take me around all the weights and help me get a good workout in. Well since I had never really worked out before, that morning I thought I would eat a hearty breakfast to make sure I had enough energy for the workout.
Unfortunately, about half way through the workout, I got sick in the locker room. I won’t go into details but let’s just say I gave one of the employees a mess to clean up. Needless to say feeling massively embarrassed I decided I had better end the workout. I apologized to the worker that was helping me and she actually apologized to me for working me too hard.
I decided though after the dust settled from the workout that I had to make this part of my routine. This eventually is what led to my love of running. I started out just running one mile, then two, then three. For many many years like maybe 15, I would run no more than 3. Then eventually I joined a team to run a 10k race (which is just over 6 miles), that led to a half marathon then to a full marathon.
However running to me has been much more than about my physical health. It was about my mental and emotional health. When I was going through my divorce it was an extremely tough time for me emotionally. I lost my mom to a stroke about 5 years before and so I think I was prone to go down rabbit holes mentally.
Running helped me in several ways.
- Reduced my depression
- Reduced my anxiety
- Helped me concentrate
- Ability to dream about the future
- Organize my thoughts
- Get much needed sunlight and Vitamin D which is important for mood
- Increased my self confidence and self esteem
This issue with physical fitness is that sometimes you do have to force yourself in the short term to do this knowing that the longterm benefits will outweight the short term. When I would go for a morning run, I would notice I had more clarity in my thoughts and I felt better both physically and emotionally.
Obviously consult a physician before you start any physical fitness program, but I highly encourage you to start. Here are some ideas:
- Join a gym. For me it was a motivation to go because I was paying for it, however some will join and stop going. You will need to ask yourself what motivates you. However if a gym is an option, there is so much to do there like running and walking on treadmills, weights of all sorts, stretching areas, and many other things to do depending on the gym.
- Go for a walk or run outside. There is nothing like getting some sunshine while listening to the birds and all the sounds in nature.
- Find a workout program on DVD on through the computer that suits the level of fitness that you are at what you would like to achieve. Make sure you are working just a bit harder to push yourself. Nothing too hard and nothing too easy.
- If you are in a relationship currently, make a commitment to each other to find something to do together.
- You can involve the family. Maybe the adults will walk and run while the kids ride bikes and the little ones are pushed in strollers. This one is not easy because everyone is at their own pace so find what works for you.
Just know that ensuring you stay physically fit can help you in so many ways get over the pain of a divorce and even help you to deal with an ex-spouse. It certainly helped me with lots of anger that I had over what was happening and I know it can help you.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Brian Mayer talks about how important community and reaching out to others is when it comes to remarriage and blended families. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Being in community with others who have experienced or are currently experiencing a remarriage and blended family can be so important to the health of your own marriage and family.
Often we try to work on our remarriage and parenting in a vacuum when it may be necessary to ask for help. There really is no need to try to do it alone especially when blended of families is so difficult. You may be aware but remarriages that involve children on one or both sides end in divorce about 66% of the time.
Let’s talk about the importance of community.
- Amish – Barn Raising is a great example of the community coming together to produce a vital asset for the family. To build a barn, one family typically would not have enough ability to produce the labor necessary to build a barn so an entire community would pitch in to help. Often this task can be completed in one day with the right amount of help.
- The concept of insurance was built on the need for a community of people to pool monetary resources in order to help the few who may experience a loss due to fire, and water or other disaster. By contrast, one person would not be take on the cost to build a home on their own.
- Multi-generational homes are another example where grandparents, parents, and children all may live together. In many cases, childcare or rearing may be to some degree with the parents and grandparents especially if the parents have careers that may cause them to travel or work long hours.
- The bible also talks about the importance of gathering together in the book of Hebrews. “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25. This meeting together causes us to encourage and be encouraged to keep pushing to keep persevering through the trials of life.
When it comes to assembling with others this is so very important in the life of a blended family. In fact I would say it is even more vital for remarrieds due to the difficulty that is faced with blended properly. So what are some ideas to get support.
- Find one family who is also remarried and has kids of similar ages. Connect with that family by doing things together in 3 ways. Those ways include connecting as an entire family unit, connecting as couples to share ideas and get support and finally share babysitting and/or having older children be able to spend the night with other kids that are going through the same issues.
- Check out a website like meetup.com which may have a group in your area for remarried couples and/or blended families. Use search terms like remarriage, divorce, blended family, or stepfamily to help in your search. If you find a group that works, then check it out. Most group leaders don’t look for a commitment right away, so just ask and don’t be afraid to check it out.
- Finally, the Remarried Life Facebook Group is an excellent way to connect with others who are working on remarriage and blended family journeys. Facebook groups are an excellent way to easily connect and ask questions. So face to face meetings have the ability to deepen a connection, facebook groups have the ability to create support that while may not be as deep make up for it with ease.
- - Find the Remarried Life Facebook here in the show notes. Click on the link below to join. The show notes are located at www.theremarriedlife.com/session59
  - You can also do a search in Facebook for The Remarried Life. Look for the black roof and orange trees in the logo.
Make sure you say Hi to me after you join!
Let’s make it a point to help each other the stop continued increased divorce rate for those that have been remarried at least a 2nd time.

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Brian Mayer talks about the difficulties that divorce presents for both men and women. These difficulties are different for each gender and can cause issues for both in different ways. It can also certain impact the preparation and health or a remarriage. Today we will explore those issues and the outcomes of this based on a study done just a few months ago. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Most of us know that divorce causes financial strain, mental health struggles, physical health issues, and relationship strain with children and family and difficulties in generally socially.
However, what most of us may not know is the difference in impact that a divorce can have on the different genders. There is a lot of research out there about how men’s and women’s brains are different.
- Some examples of the differences can include (remember these are generalities and don’t apply to everyone):
- - Women are relational, Men are logical
  - Women are process oriented, Men are results oriented
  - Women are nurturing, Men are disciplinary
  - Women talk more, Men Talk Less
  - Women generally need someone to process stress with, while men need time alone
It would stand to reason because of these differences then that men and women would respond to the stress of divorce differently.
This difference has been borne out in a recent study called Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes that was published a few months ago
The study looked at health and well-being, social, economic, and housing and domestic issues. Three finding came out of the study:
- Men were more vulnerable to in the short term to issues of health and well-being
- In the medium term, the differences in both women and men lessened in all sorts of the areas measured
- In the long term, women suffered more losses in household income, increased risk of poverty, and a heavier burden of single parenting.
Let’s look at the 4 areas that the study included to take a look at some of the differences.
Economic Outcomes
- The burden falls more heavily on women. As just mentioned more steep decline in household income. By contrast men actually improve their financial standing in post-divorce years. There are lots of reasons for this difference, but one suggests that the burden of raising children and reduces the ability to work harder to move to different jobs and or get promotions.
Housing and Domestic Outcomes
- Women are generally more likely to lose home ownership than men in part due to the economic outcomes talked about above. One interesting part of the study talked about how men increased time spent on household activities and women reduced.
Health and Wellbeing Outcomes
- Men who divorce experience more health declines due to divorce than women. It is known that men experience more health benefits while married so it stands to reason that a divorce can cause health to swing the other direction.
- Another explanation for why men have more difficulties is that women are usually more aware of the marital relationship issues and will work harder to hold it together. However women are also usually the first to start the divorce talk because they feel they have exhausted the efforts. This can often catch a man by surprise therefore the mental and physical effects will go into the post-divorce period.
Social Outcomes
- Custodial parents have more difficulty with the solo parenting and childcare piece.
- Non custodial parents face difficulty in maintaining contact with the children. This is usually the man creating more difficulty with that piece in them. Research suggests that men suffer more because of this issue.
- Repartnering is also an issue and seems to affect women more. Here are some reasons according to the research:
- - Women typically have custody of the children making it more difficult to repartner because women without children may be more attractive according to the study
  - Older people according to the research have a more difficult time on the remarriage market and this effect is more pronounced for women.
  - Women often have fewer chances to meet others due to the childcare obligations.
Overall there are lots of difficulties that both genders face and many of them are different. Hopefully this is eye opening to the fact that both men and women struggle with divorce in their own way and that often knowing this could help you as you proceed forward but also may help you see your ex-spouse if you are divorced in a different light.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about those days and times in a relationship where things pivot and take a turn for the worse or for the better. Rarely does a pivot happen that does not significantly alter the course of the relationship. Pivots can be things that happen from internal forces or external events. The internal pivots often early in the relationship can happen with little thought or effort but later in life they may take more effort. Whatever the reason though pivot points are important. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The dictionary defines a pivot as something of “crucial importance in relation to the development or success of something else.”
Did you know that Facebook used to be called Facemash and it was nothing like the social media platform it is today. It used to be a site that would put two pictures of people together asking which was more attractive. Talk about the right pivot!
Starbucks up until the early 1980’s sold espresso machines and beans. A trip to Italy by the founder had him inspired by the coffee shops there and now we know it as the most famous coffee shop in the world.
Michael Jordan constantly used feeling slighted as fuel to pivot to frequently greater heights. The best example of this with him occurred when he got cut from his high school basketball team and then went on the win a National Championship in basketball at the University of North Carolina.
So what about the pivot points in a relationship that change the trajectory of where you are headed as a couple. There are lots of them including:
- Your first meeting
- Your first kiss
- Saying I love You for the First Time
- Meeting Families
- Taking a Trip
- Staying Over For the Night
- Getting Engaged
- Getting Married
- Having Your First Child
- Having Each Additional Child
- A Financial Windfall or Calamity
- A Health Scare
- An Affair
- A Major Conflict
- A job loss
- Loss of a Child
Think about the pivotal moments in your relationship. Then think about in the moment which way you felt your relationship moving. Then finally think about as you look back and have more space from the moment even those that seem negative, did they ultimately damage your relationship or ultimately strengthen it.
For me and my wife Heather with have had lots of pivotal moments in our relationship. There are a couple that really stand out to me that in the moment felt negative and felt like a tidal wave might wash us under.
- Heather’s cancer scare while we were dating and what we did about it
- Disagreements about parenting and what we did about it
As I look back on my relationship with my wife it is those moments that ultimately strengthened our marriage and we both can look back and almost glorify the struggle if you will. We can often say wow look what we have come through. With these moments we gain confidence to say that there is almost nothing that we can’t make it through now.
As we wrap up, I would encourage you and your partner whether you have been together for a few months or a few years, to think back to some of these pivotal moments and ask some of these questions of each other focusing on your own experience through the issue.
- What was that pivotal moment?
- How did you feel as you were going through it? Angry, sad, lonely, excited, happy, overjoyed, fearful etc
- What were the things that you or your partner did that helped?
- What things happened that did not help?
- As you look back if you have some distance, did it strengthen you and prepare for the pivotal moments to come?
Hope you enjoyed today’s message.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks the very common issue of projecting past hurts onto a new partner. For those of you that have been through a divorce or other tough break-up, there is a high likelihood that you may be doing this. You may or may not be aware of this. Of course your partner could be doing the same. Today we will talk about this issue and what to watch out for. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Break-ups and divorces are hard and can sometimes be very bad. Did you know that on the life stress scale, Divorce is number 2 behind only the death of a spouse. It is ahead of things like a cancer diagnosis, getting fired from a job, or going to jail.
However sometimes it is the past relationship itself that may have been difficult. There are lots of things in our past relationships that can be stressful. Some of those are:
- Infidelity on your part
- Infidelity on your partner’s part
- Physical Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
- Mental Health Disorders including Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, or even things like
- Conflict
- Communication Difficulties including Narcissism
- Control through Social Isolation or Sex
- Humiliation in front of others
These issues are indeed painful and most likely if they occurred you somehow adapted for a time until maybe something finally pushed you over the edge to consider a break-up or divorce.
The unfortunate part about these issues is that the residue of the pain can linger past this relationship. It is very normal for lot’s of us to experience things like this and have to work through on an individual basis. This is where a good support group or counseling can really help.
However, we often begin a new relationship before we have fully healed from these past hurts. Because of this, things that the new partner does or says become triggers.
What are triggers you ask? Well of course we all know what that means when it applies to a pistol or rifle is that it is piece on the gun that will set it off. A trigger in life is something similar.
A life trigger is something that happens outside of yourself like a word or an action by your partner that sets off a whirlwind of emotion and often a resulting behavior change. So for example, your spouse coming home 30 minutes late without letting you know reminds you of your past spouse who did this because he was having an affair. As a result, you state you don’t trust your current spouse even though they haven’t done anything besides being forgetful.
So how do you know if you are projecting? Let’s talk about some of those ways. But before we begin, I must say that there are indeed times where your current partner is doing something really hurtful like emotional or physical abuse or maybe there is an affair. If that is the case then get help. However, if these are not the case then this is for you:
- Anxiety when your partner doesn’t immediately return a call, email, or text could be a sign that you could be feeling triggered.
- You don’t fully trust what your partner is telling you, but nothing or very little has ever been done to warrant that mistrust.
- There is difficulty controlling anger over even small disagreements
- Are you jealous of others? Do you say things like “I trust you, but it is others that I do not trust.” If you are saying this then you are basically saying, “I do not trust you.”
- If there is anything you are assuming or attempting to mind read. If this is the case, just ask and maybe you will get an answer you are looking for.
Honestly, projection can be defeated by lots of self awareness and introspection. Remember though things like narcissism and gaslighting are real and so do not turn a blind eye to things like that but again on the other hand be careful about assuming things that may not be true about your current partner.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about praying together as a couple. We often think about praying for a meal or praying when we are in true crisis, but what about day to day life as a couple? Sometimes this is a tough issue especially when each of you are on different pages regarding the willingness to make this a part of your life. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The dictionary definition of prayer is a request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship. In my opinion the only type of prayer that works is a prayer to the God who created the universe, but I understand that the dictionary definition takes into account what others might believe.
We often think about prayer being done in a church, a hospital when someone is sick and dying, or around the dinner table to bless a meal. But what about utilizing it as a powerful part of connection with you and your partner?
As we all know, marriages end in divorce about 50% of the time. What if I told you that less than 1% of married couples who prayer every day will eventually get divorced. I have heard this statistic in many places, but I would be lying if I told you I could find the scientific research to back this up. Nonetheless, from what I know and understand I can that this could be true.
What is prayer good for? Let’s discuss:
- When you pray together, you humble yourselves to something bigger than who you are. This often will reduce selfishness which can get all into trouble. When we become selfish we often lose sight of our partner and their needs.
- When you pray for your partner, you will often find you cannot be angry at the same time. It’s like if I told you to both love and hate a person. You might be able to say that you hate what someone is doing, but that you love them. This is not the same as both hating and loving someone and so again prayer typically will have you loving your partner more.
- Prayer can unify you as a couple and make you stronger. There is a passage in Deuteronomy 32 which says something like one person can send a thousand to flight, but two people can send 10,000 to flight. This means that the power of coming together in prayer doesn’t mean you double your power together, but that it multiplies 10 fold. Amazing!
- Prayer can help each of you lift the burdens of your daily communication and conflict struggles onto a God who is greater. The act of you both coming together to ask for help, when you can’t figure it out on your own is especially freeing.
So now that we understand some of the reasons that prayer is helpful you might ask yourself, then how should we prayer. A model for good prayer is found in Matthew 6:9-13. It says “This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.”
If you break that prayer done, it basically says to:
- Acknowledge God is separate and holy
- Understand that his ways are higher and will eventually win out
- Give us what we need
- Forgive what we have done wrong as we are called to forgive others
- Protect us from falling in the future especially when an outside force like Satan is attacking.
Another very specific way to pray that I would like you to do as a couple is to do something that is called “The Six Minutes that will change your Life.” I wish I could remember exactly who to attribute this to, but I cannot. However it goes something like this:
- As a couple get seated comfortably, facing each and holding hands
- Gaze into each other’s eyes (which you may not have done since your wedding day)
- Then take turns one by one with the following subjects:
- - Thanksgiving – each of you take a minute praying for what you are thankful for regarding specific things your partner is doing that you appreciate
  - Forgiveness – each of you should take a minute while still looking into each other’s eyes asking your partner for one, two, or maybe three things that you have done wrong that you need forgiveness (see Session 32 for more on learning how to forgive – www.theremarriedlife.com/session32 )
  - Blessing – each of you should take a minute to ask God to bless your partner for who they are or what they have done (and be specific about what it is you want for your partner).
My hope is that you will work to implement prayer into your lives as individuals and as couples. Many people report that it changes things for the better. Because again when you focus on love and what is best for your partner, you generally cannot be angered or hate at the same time.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Brian Mayer talks the issue of a teenager saying they don’t want to live under your roof any longer and that they want to live with the other parent. This happens with a great number of teenagers who are living in blended families for one reason or another. Even though it is extremely common for this issue to come up, it still doesn’t make it any harder. We will tackle this issue today with some helpful tips to keep your sanity during something this difficult. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There is a myth the children between the ages of 12-14 can make the decision of who to live with and decide to switch. Ultimately however that decision rests with the court system and a judge. Of course they will take into account the child’s age, but there are so many other
Factors that courts use to determine change in custody also include. Other factors include each parent’s mental state, other support, how amicable the each parent is toward each other, and many other factors.
So switching may not be as easy as it sounds, but it does happen frequently. When this does happen especially if you are on the “losing” end, then it can certainly feel quite devastating. The emotional pain from this depending on what has led to this decision can be difficult to overcome.
It is especially difficult if the child expresses negativity over the home, the family unit, a stepparent, or some other piece about the current home life.
Sometimes, the other parent can often feed into a child’s insecurities or anxiety over the other parent’s home thereby hastening a child leaving.
Aside from the legal ramifications or protections you might seek, there are certain things you should be mindful of when this is happening and that is what our focus is on today.
This is not your fault. I don’t even know you, but I can say that probably 95% of the time, there is a not parent at fault for why a change is being requested. Now you certainly might be made to feel that way, but do not buy into this probable lie.
As difficult as it is, explaining to the child that is making the decision to leave that you support their decision (assuming you are not against it completely or believe it is truly not in the best interest of the child) is really the best course of action. It is almost as if you are making the choice to take the higher ground.
Get support from your partner (spouse) on this issue. The most important thing through all of this is to come together as a couple. If you approach this from the mentality that you and your spouse will be together forever, then you may begin to see that the loss of the child to the other parent may not be as big of an issue as you thought (still very difficult nonetheless).
If your child will allow (assuming emotion is not playing a role), talk through a list of pros and cons about this change. Let the intent here not be that you are prepping the child to change his/her mind but that you are laying everything out so that everyone is well informed. However, this is difficult because a child and especially a teenager will operate with the emotional part of the brain more often than the logical part.
Be empathetic about the child’s plight. Most likely they don’t want to upset either parent. They will often feel caught in the middle of an already difficult situation.
Do not tear the other parent down to your child. You may feel justified based on what is going on and maybe the other parent is tearing you down to your child. In the long run if you avoid this, your child will be thankful later in life.
I went through this situation when I was a child and it was extremely difficult. My mother had primary custody of me, and at some point my father asked me about switching. This was extremely difficult on me at around the age of 14 I believe. I was a people pleaser (and still struggle with this to some degree). I ended up letting both of my parents down for a time. I originally said yes to the switch and then ultimately in a court with some sort of referee asking me questions with no one else around, I said that I did not want to switch. I can’t even imagine what great difficulty I placed my parents in, but of course I was 14 with a brain not fully formed yet.
Utimately be very careful as you move through these waters. It can be highly charged and emotional. Make sure you take care of yourself through this difficult time but making sure to still have fun and make life fun for your remaining family.
One last thing, if you need legal help then you should certainly seek it. If you feel at all like something would be wrong with this switch then you certainly should fight for what you want. But again be careful not to do this from a place of anger that you regret later.

Resources:

None Mentioned Today

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about our desire to get remarried and replace what we lost or never had from our first marriage. Sometimes things seem right and we move forward and sometimes things don’t feel so right yet we still move forward anyway. Today we will discuss some of the signals and signs that might be showing you that now is not the time to dive into a remarriage. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

For those of us that have gotten remarried, most of the time the dating period is much shorter than in our first marriage. There are lots of reasons for this. Sometimes it is a result of being more mature, knowing we what we want, knowing what works and what doesn’t. However sometimes we shorten the dating period to marriage and living together for the wrong reasons.
Did you know that a study out of Emory University that tracked over 3,000 couples found that those who dated for 3 years or more were almost 40% less likely to divorce that those who dated less than a year. Those that at least dated for 2 years were 20% less likely to divorce than those at less than a year.
So this research suggests that in general it is good to wait. However we should look beyond the timeframe and look at more concrete examples of some warnings signs that you should think about when it comes to get remarried and blending your family with your partner.
Let’s talk about some of the warning signs.
- Are you trying to get rid of loneliness. If so, then you are trying to replace something that is internally broken with something external like a spouse or a family.
- Do you feel pressure from family, friends, or even society that you should be married. Do you desire to get remarried because you feel like people look down on you for being single?
- Are you still in the limerence phase in your relationship with your new partner. The dictionary definition of limerence is “the state of being infatuated with another person usually involuntarily.” You may have heard of 3 stages of feelings for a romantic partner – love, lust, and limerence. You should be honest with yourself and if you have not reached the more deep love stage then you could be living an illusion.
- Is a financial decision to bring together households together to lessen the burden on one or both of you driving your decision. Of course this can be a piece of why you want to get remarried but you should not let this be a primary reason.
- Are you thinking that if you get remarried that some habit that your partner has will change? Does your partner work more than you would like? Does your partner drink too much? Often assuming that if you get married, it will automatically change your partner is setting you and the relationship up for failure.
- Are you spiritually on the same page? For those of us that believe we will spend an eternity in heaven, this might be the most important issue of them all. If you disagree on this issue then it will potentially pervade many areas of your life. Typically for those of us that are strong in the Christian faith, we know that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus Christ. Therefore if your partner does not believe the same, it is going to create surface arguments as well as deep rooted differences in values to be at play as well.
- You want your children to have another parent in the home. While this is probably healthier if it is all working appropriately to have two parents in the home, if you are simply trying to replace something then once again you may be setting yourself and your children up for failure. This piece takes time and patience to make sure everything is in order.
Just remember to be patient and let some time and diligent work on your part help you to work some of these issues first. If you can work through these issues and some others that you may have realized through listening today, then the likelihood of your next marriage working better will increase!

Resources:

The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks through becoming a stepdad and what best to concentrate on in the initial stages. Becoming a new stepdad is difficult because we must balance building a relationship with our new stepchildren while also figuring out the parenting piece. There are lots of ways to go about this and today we will discuss several things to keep in mind as you build this relationship. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Becoming a new stepparent is probably one of the most difficult new roles that we will ever assume. Today we are going to focus on becoming a stepfather and the most important items for you to be aware of as you enter into this new situation that can certainly be filled with landmines.
Did you know that over 1,000 stepfamilies are created every single day in the U.S. and in fact over 50% of families are remarried or recoupled. Of course with that, it means over 1,000 stepdads enter the picture everyday as well. So lots of us need help out there.
For me my interesting story is that I was a stepdad in my first marriage but not in my second. True that is generally somewhat atypical and in fact was more difficult for me because I became a stepfather at the age of 22. I did not know how to approach this and so I made lots of mistakes for sure. I wish at that time there were resources like this podcast to help me out.
Today we will talk about some tips that I wish I had back then to help ne navigate being a new stepdad and ones that I think will help you.
Eyes Wide Open: What I mean by this is that you must enter into this new situation understand there is a reality and that the picture of what you are hoping for may not be there especially to start. You should assume that your new stepchildren will look at your addition as a subtraction. They will look at you as pulling their biological parent away from them and not as if they have another parent to look up to.
Relationship before Parenting: This one is so critical and many of us get this one wrong. Much research shows that you need to take this process slow. Get to know the child on a friend level. I know this sounds counterintuitive but there will be much resistance if you do not approach the relationship in this manner. This is more difficult for men as we often can have a more distant authoritarian style to begin with. Check out www.theremarriedlife.com/session12 for the episode about parenting styles.
Unity with Mom: Your desire may be to provide direction and discipline to the child but initially you must provide this indirectly through mom. This will involve lots of conversations and being watchful of blame, criticism, harsh tones because should you begin to go down that path, mom’s ears will begin to close and even worse escalation of the difficulties will arise.
Observe for 90 Days: This can also be a timeframe of your choosing, but this logic comes from those that often talk about how best to assume a new leadership role in a company. Most experts in the field of the study of corporate world will tell you to simply enter the picture and assess what you are seeing rather than immediately intervening. There is no reason to come in immediately and rock the boat. The children have had enough upheaval as it is.
Be Patient: Often it can take 6 months to 2 years for the initial feeling out period to take place where a child may feel more comfortable. It is quite possible that it never happens. That can be a difficult reality but one that you should be prepared for. Just remember keep doing what you are doing and don’t tie your thoughts about what you are doing to the results you are seeing.
Manage Your Own Anger: There is no doubt that you will be angry and get stressed over the situations that arise. When a child won’t do what you say, won’t reciprocate your love and affection, or won’t proactively come to you for advice or their needs. This is such a difficult time for everyone including you. Try your best not to get caught up in personifying what is happening. In others words, realize that it may not matter who were to step in to your position the initial stages probably would not go well no matter what you do or who you are.
Being a stepdad is not easy. Keep working at it and remember a lot of what we talked about. There are of course lots of opinions and lots of research on what works and what does not so continue to seek that out. One resource to mention is a book called The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal which is loaded with lots of great information to help you in your journey.

Resources:

The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about whether or not your different opinion is a simple disagreement or just plain negativity. As with most issues this is a complicated one with lots of opinions on every side. We will tackle this issue to give you some tips to help your disagreements not turn into a negative spiral that can send you and your partner running for the hills. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Disagreements are going to happen in a relationship. If they don’t then one might say that you aren’t really truly connecting with each other. However, those disagreements are often seen as just good old negativity.
Did you know that couples disagree with each other around 2,455 times every year? That’s almost 7 times a day! Most of the arguments are over what seems to be trivial, but in reality they are usually about something deeper. For example you might be arguing over what color to paint the kids room, but in reality it might be that you don’t feel like you are listened to and so the argument spirals because of that and not because you can’t decide on a paint color.
Often one person in the argument will see their view as a simple difference of opinion while the other person sees this as downright negativity. Why does this difference happen. It happens for lots of reasons and can’t always be pinned on one person.
For the person that disagrees at an idea presented typically will be the one to believe that this is purely a disagreement and an issue that will ultimately find a solution
For the person that presents an idea, he or she often can see the response to their request in a different way. Sometimes it may be received as a disagreement and other times it may be seen negativity.
The person disagreeing needs to watch for several things in their response that could be perceived as negativity rather than a friendly disagreement. Some of those are as follows:
- Body Language (raising arms, turning away, shaking the head)
- Tone (anger, harshness, raising of the voice, talking more quickly or more slowly)
- Interrupting (not allowing your partner to finish a thought)
- Defensiveness (not taking responsibility for some of the issue)
For the person who initially presents the idea he or she needs to watch for the following:
- Railroading (this means not giving an option for input)
- Not Being Mindful (this means thinking about similar discussions that did not go well as this will sometimes jade the discussion)
- Mental and Physical State (sometimes how we are feeling that day will make it easier or more difficult to hear different opinions).
So now that we know what some of the issues are that get in the way of how discussions are perceived, let’s talk about some different methods of communicating that could help.
The Sandwich Method: means to start with something positive, then discuss something negative, then end with a positive.
Focus on the Positive: Find what you do agree about and sometimes this is easier said than done. For example, maybe don’t agree on the new color for the kids room, but your color choices are a bit closer than you originally had thought. Or maybe you completely agree on the items to be placed in the room and so you spend much time discussing how you are in agreement regarding much about the room and it will help lessen the feeling that you are in complete disagreement.
The Collaborative Method: means bringing your partner’s ideas into the discussion. For example, you might say something like “here is my opinion on the issue and then after I am done I invite you to tell me where I could be wrong here and by doing this we can try to come out with a solution that might work for both of us.”
Remember anger and getting flooded can sabotage these methods. If you notice this happening just ask your partner if you can walk away for a bit to collect your thoughts. Remember to tell your partner you love them and want to come to some type of agreement whether that be a compromise, one of you relents (with the potential to have more say next time) or some other means.
Keep working at turning negativity into a disagreement that eventually you can turn into a possible agreement.

Resources:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1389002/Fallout-Couples-argue-average-seven-times-day.html

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer celebrates the 50th episode of The Remarried Life podcast. In honor of this, today’s episode will be much different that the others. We will talk about possible the most famous remarriage that has ever taken place and that is the recent marriage of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle. Meghan was previously married and divorced before meeting Prince Harry. Many things will probably be different based on the royal duties that they will take on, but just like us they will probably experience some of the similar issues that remarried people face. Today we will talk about this important issue. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Recently, in the United Kingdom a royal wedding took place between Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle. At the time of the wedding, Prince Harry was 33 and Meghan was 36. The most interesting thing about this marriage and what ties it to what we talk about here, is that this is Meghan’s second marriage.
Meghan met her first husband Trevor Engelson in 2004. Engelson is a movie producer. They married in 2011 and were divorced shortly thereafter in 2013.
You might think divorce and remarriage is not something that would hit the royal family as much as it might us everyday folks, but it seems that they are real people too behind all the jewels and glamour.
The most famous divorce took place between Harry’s mother and father. Princess Diana and Prince Charles divorced in 1996 after about 15 years of marriage. As we all know Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident a year later. Prince Charles remarried in 2005 to Camilla Bowles.
In fact of the 4 children that Queen Elizabeth II and Philip, Duke of Edinburg have, 3 of them divorced. In addition to Prince Charles, Princess Anne and Andrew the Duke of York have divorced. Andrew’s marriage and divorce to Sarah Ferguson was highly publicized.
Knowing all this, do the royal have a tougher time with marriage than the rest of us? This is hard to know because the sample size is so small, but it does appear being a royal and staying married can be difficult.
Royals have much more help to take care of daily activities in the home and with the children. Often they will have a housekeeper, personal assistants, nannies for the children, press officers, private secretaries, cleaners, gardeners, butlers, and maids. So to be sure they get lots of help. However does this translate to a better life and marriage?
It appears that the answer to whether or not this lavish lifestyle helps or harms their marriages. Obviously some in the royal family have been able to stay married while some divorce. And because they try to remain as private as they can, it is difficult to know if they ones that stay married are in fact happy.
We haven’t even mentioned the pressure that the media and the so called “paparazzi” places on these couples. In fact, one of Harry’s longtime girlfriends had to call off the engagement and at least publicly said that the intense media pressure was too much.
So with all this being said, how will Harry and Meghan fare? It is difficult to know, but one thing that Meghan has going for her is that she was an actress and so to some degree she has to be used to media pressure and the spotlight they bring. This is only one piece of the issue though.
Remember that this is her second marriage. She could potentially be bringing lots of emotional baggage to this marriage. Some common issues that we remarrieds have is projecting the issues from our first marriage onto our second. If there was any infidelity in Meghan’s first marriage she may end up with lots of anxiety regarding Harry’s every move. So something indeed to watch out for.
Neither of them have children so the complicated dynamic that this brings will not be there. So in that regard they are probably ahead of the game. As we all know stepchildren can make it difficult to bond as a family and a newly married couple.
Of course however their marriage plays out, we wish them the best and to live and long and happy life together. Just like I wish the same for you no matter how many times things have not worked out in the past.
I hope you have enjoyed this much different episode in the past where we take a look at the royal family and their similarities and differences to us in the remarried journey.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!
As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how verbal conflict when it gets out of hand has been correlated to physical ailments and other medical conditions. As a child, we were told that sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt. New scientific research says that words can actually hurt just like sticks and stones. Today we will talk about this important issue. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In relationships and marriages we spend a lot of time working on getting the communication and the connection between two people just right. This is a good thing for lots of reasons. It is good to connect on an emotional level. It is good for the kids, good for families, good for your ability to balance work, friends, and families.
However, did you know that relationships that are happy can also have a positive impact on your health. This is the piece that most people don’t know, but new scientific research has shown a correlation between an unhappy relationship and your physical health.
A study from Ohio State University’s Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research worked with 42 couples. They made some tiny suction wounds on on their hands. Then the couples were asked to talk about a tense subject. The researchers also paid attention to the way in which they argued and how long it took for the couple to bounce back.
The results of this study were somewhat astounding. They discovered that couples whose disagreements were marked with lots of criticisms, put downs, interrupting had wounds that healed 40% slower than those couples whose disagreements still had lots of listening, respect, humor, and the ability to move on.
This study and others like it also showed that for women the results are even more tough. Women according to study are biologically have a different reaction to hostility for a couple of reasons:
- Women tend to evaluate negativity accurately while men are somewhat oblivious.
- Men forget exchanges rather quickly while women can replay them over and over again.
The same researchers at Ohio State also did another study of newlywed couples and looked at stress hormone release after an argument or disagreement.
In this study they found that, the stress hormones like cortisol and other remained elevated. For women, the levels remained elevated much longer.
Other studies, especially one from the University of Utah also took a closer look at women and what is known as metabolic syndrome and the issues surrounding that as it relates to happy and unhappy relationships.
According to the Mayo clinic, Metabolic syndrome is a cluster of conditions, increased blood pressure, high blood sugar, excess body fat especially around the waist, high cholesterol and triglyceride levels. All of these factors contribute to the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and stroke.
So back to the study – men and women were both assessed for what they saw as positive and also what they saw as negative in their marriage. Interestingly enough, a higher percentage of women that had depression about their marriage were more likely to have metabolic syndrome than men. Again suggesting that while marital strain is tough for each gender, that it is tougher on women.
So what does all this mean? To put it bluntly, you will suffer health consequences and even have the potential to die an early death if relationship problems are not corrected.
Did you know that the secret to living longer may be held in your social life. According to a Ted Talk by Susan Pinker which is linked in the Resources section, she cited an interesting study that pointed this out.
- The tiny Italian island of Sardinia has six times as many centenarians (100+ year olds) as does the mainland and ten times as many as North America
- It was discovered that two of the keys to long life there centered around being social integrated and also close relationships. Believe it or not, things like not smoking, not drinking, exercising were found to not have as strong a link as these social and relationship components.
What can you do to fight against these issues?
- First recognize the cycles of arguments that you get into with each other. Notice the ways in which you each react and respond. There is no doubt a pattern that you will see emerge in how you escalate.
- Secondly, work to know what your triggers are. Maybe things don’t go well between the two of you when you have already been chewed out at work or if one of the kids is sick. You may react to something different when you are under other stress. Instead of reacting, make it known in a respectful calm way that you are stressed and that another time to discuss would be helpful.
- Ask your partner for what you need. If that is to be talked to more gently or to be heard a bit more then ask for that. Talking about how you argue when you are calm can go much better typically. It is not full proof but can help.
Just remember, your constant escalation of arguments that cause bitterness and resentment are also affecting your body. Also remember the way in which you speak to partner also has been shown to correlate with their physical health. Think about this the next time you discussion starts to get off the rails.

Resources

The High Price of a Bad Relationship Bad Marriages Harder on Women's Health The Secret To Living Longer by Susan Pinker – Ted Talk Video

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses what we need in relationships. The talk today is based on a book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn. The author has done extensive work to survey couples in all sorts of relationship stages to distill what is helpful and what is not. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn focuses on her work in surveying hundreds of couples regarding what makes them happy. She did lots of work in conjunction with other researchers as well to get at her results
What she discovered is that happy and healthy couples do very small things that add up over time. Additionally, sometimes they have a difficult time putting into words what they are doing unlike unhealthy couples who can pinpoint issues much more easily.
With every question she asked, she would also ask if the couple was either Highly Happy, Mostly Happy, or a Struggling Couple. The results are very interesting and we will take a look at a few today.
Let’s first talk about what she discovered where the 5 actions that were most meaningful for a man to see from his partner. They are:
- 1. His wife notices his effort and thanks him for it.
- 1. She says, “You did a great at (fill in the blank)
- 1. She mentions in front of other people something he did well
- 1. She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.
- 1. She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.
Now let’s talk about what fills a woman’s love tank the most. They are:
- 1. He takes her hand often especially when out and about.
- 1. Leaves her a positive message by voicemail, email, or text
- 1. Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee in public
- 1. Tells her she is beautiful
- 1. Pulls himself out of a bad mood. Instead of blowing up or withdrawing, he recognizes how he feels and works himself out.
- 1. She mentions in front of other people something he did well
- 1. She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.
- 1. She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.
She also discovered that if you believe your partner truly cares about you and has your best interests, then when difficult arises it is quickly dealt with and moved on from.
Believing the best about your partner or giving them the benefit of the doubt also led to couples reporting being happier and healthier. In other words when your partner is late from work, your first thought should hopefully be that she must be working hard or when he forgets to cut the grass, thinking that he must have his mind on other things can go a long way toward what perspective we have.
Resolving conflict quickly was also reported by happier couples. Those that let conflict linger or “go to bed angry” report that they are struggling. Sometimes though you have to go bed, and if you can agree to resolve the issue the next day that can help as well.
Couples who don’t keep score of the negative aspects or negative incidents also report to be happier and healthier. Rather focusing on the positive that has occurred.
In conjuction with not keeping score, this is sort of my own thought but being able to voice needs in a non-critical way is also important. This means if we need the housework to be split more equitably then we can voice that need without tearing our partner down. Couples who can do this report being more happy and healthy.
Stopping bad trains of thought also help. This means that when something is done and said that we don’t nurse and rehearse. Nursing means to continue to cycle back around the hurt and rehearse means thinking hard about what we will say in response.
Happy couples also report that they do not put unreasonable expectations on their spouse. Sometimes mindreading can enter into this one. So we might think, doesn’t she realize how hard I work and because of that she needs to do more to thank me. But what if you partner doesn’t know how you feel? Tell them.
A signal to tell each other, that “we are okay” is also reported by happy couples. This could be an actual hand signal, a look, or humor for example.
The book has lots more information beyond this and we have only begun to scratch the surface of what she found. I would highly recommend you pick up a copy. I will put a link to the book in the show notes.

Resources

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how technology including phones, tablets, computers, and of course television continue to invade our lives and families. He also discusses ways to limit this and connect more as a couple and a family. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Did you know that the average American spends over 10 hours a day of screen time. This includes television, smart phone, computer, tablet, DVR, DVD, Video Games, and other multimedia devices. Wow that is a lot of time devoted to these! Now of course there is some overlap with work and school being devoted to learning and getting things done, but it is still a lot of time.
Society has also changed the way we communicate with each other. Face to face meetings where you are physically present have become more rare. Telephone calls are also becoming more rare. Even emailing which was once said to have replaced these is now itself being replaced by texting, instant messaging, snapchatting, and all sort of other iterations of online communications.
I heard somewhere that 70% of couples report that technology has caused problems in their relationship. It could be that time spent on devices has simply increased the disconnection that the couple feels. There are also instances of connecting with other individuals that eventually turn into emotional or even physical affairs.
Of course many people now meet and start relationships online that eventually move into face to face relationship, so it is no wonder that some don’t give this up even after they are married. There is also much less stigma surrounding meeting online because it is so much more accepted.
Regarding kids, there are studies out there that link mental health issues likes increased depression and anxiety with increased screen time. Now to be sure the causation has not been established, because it may be hard to detect which is the cause. Is increased screen time causing depression, or does depression cause kids to turn to increased screen time. Studies are continuing to be done.
The millennial generation are also reducing face to face time at a significant rate. Instead they continue the conversations from school to online forums in the evening. As we know this has resulted in kids being unable to get away from bullying in which they are not walking away from issues at school.
What can you do to reduce the hindrance that screen time may be having? Some of these thing are quite obvious but they bear repeating.
Begin by tracking your technology time. Simply knowing and understanding how much you use can go a long way to motivating people to make changes.
First, have a conversation with the family about the effect that screen time may be having on relationships within the family, outside the family, and on the productivity regarding work or school.
Brainstorm ways to reduce usage. Make sure to allow your kids to brainstorm with you. At this stage, tell them that nothing is off the table and that all ideas are valued. Later you can begin to look at how realistic the ideas are.
In addition to brainstorming ways to reduce technology make sure to also brainstorm what you will do instead. Maybe some nights kids can play, some nights they can read, some nights you can play games as a family. Remember to mix up and give the family variety so that every night is not the same.
Make a contract that each member of the family can sign noting what kinds of screen times they can have, when they can have it, and for how long.
Make dinner a no technology time. Use this time to ask open ended questions about the day and how each person is doing.
Here is one I just learned recently that is helping me. On most smart phones there is setting that you can turn your screen grayscale. It definitely makes the phone less appealing and I am finding I am spending a bit less time on it solely because of this. Some studies suggest doing this reduces screen time by about 15%.
Have regular check-ins to assess how everyone is doing. Give praise when you notice screen time has been reduced.
No doubt technology has a place in our lives and there is little to no chance that most of us will be able to remove it completely from our lives. However, I hope today’s episode can help you think more about this issue and then implement some things together to help reduce the dependence on this.

Resources

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how difficult it can be to get along with your partner’s family. You come from different backgrounds, have different perspectives, different personalities, and maybe bitterness and resentment have entered. Today we discuss these issues includes ways that you can cope and hopefully make things a bit better. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Navigating the relationships with your significant other’s family can be one of the hardest things you will ever do. You have entered the picture as maybe the second or third spouse and so there already be some animosity from the very beginning.
Today we will discuss the reasons that it can be difficult to get along and then talk about ways in which you can help make these relationships at worst tolerable and hopefully at best almost as connected as some of your biological family relationships.
Let’s explore the main reasons that there can be difficulty with these new relationships.
- Your Partner’s Family really liked (and still do) the prior spouse
- You have different perspectives on time spent together
- Personalities are different in that maybe you are more laid back and your partner’s family is more go-go-go. Of course the opposite could be true.
- The family enjoys different activities. For example your partner’s family loves the outdoors like camping and fishing, but you despise those activities and enjoy more short picnics.
- The family may be on edge regarding your partner being hurt in the past and so they may reflect that on you.
- Possibly most important you may have brought baggage in regarding your feelings about the in-laws if you had difficulties with your prior spouses family.
So what to do about this? Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a magic wand that we could wave to make the relationship go exactly they way we would want? Life would be so easy if everyone just did things the way we did, but alas that we know is a fallacy.
Here instead are some ways you can cope and at least have things go a bit better if only in your mind and emotions around the issues.
Make sure you are united with your spouse. This is most important. Be in agreement about how to handle scenarios before they come up.
Be nice. This one is hard but sometimes this will trigger better responses in people.
Remember that sometimes that activities don’t always have to be what you like. Bonding with the family is more important. Of course there should be a balance in that the family should reciprocate and do things you enjoy.
Don’t take what is happening personally. Mentally shift your perspective to realize that there may be things they are dealing with or struggling with that are much more complicated than being about you. Maybe your partner’s family don’t typically verbalize thank you’s for the things you do. Again shifting to realize that this is an issue with them and not you.
Have some discussions with them if you see that these other things are not working. Of course make sure to not attack or criticize. Be concrete if you are describing actions that they took in certain situations. This may not change things but at least you can try to clear the air somewhat.
Remember to think before you speak because it is hard to take things back. Sometimes when we are upset we will say things we don’t necessarily mean.
Ultimately remember that difficulty in getting along with your partner’s family means that you will have difficulty in getting along with your spouse. Invariably issues will come up between the two of you regarding things that have happened with the family.
This is not easy and some of these ideas may not work in your specific situation. The one thing that can work is changing your perspective as best you can.
As a final resort you may have to implement boundaries. Take a listen to Episode 20 where I discussed more about boundaries and what they are and how to implement them.

Resources

None Mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how communicating with an ex spouse or ex partner can be complicated especially when a new relationship is present. Brian talks about the reasons why exes may stay in touch. He also discusses research regarding how new relationships do when communication with an ex-partner is happening. We hope you enjoy today’s episode. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Sometimes it is inevitable that you or your partner must communicate with each other. Obviously if children are involved communication must still take place. However just because this must happen doesn’t mean it will be easy. There are of course lots of other reasons that people will stay in touch with an ex-partner as well.
Let’s explore the main reasons that someone may keep in touch with an ex-spouse.
- Have Children Together
- Work Together
- Business Partners
- The relationship ended amicably and want to maintain a friendship
- There are still romantic feelings present
- There are mutual friends and social circles
As we discussed some of the reasons, I can almost guess that depending on whether you stayed close to your ex-partner or are in a position where your current partner is staying close to their ex-partner that it probably brought up completely different feelings.
How do these reasons play out in the current relationship?
In a couple of studies by Lindsay Rodriguez, she looked at how often they communicate with an ex-partner, why they maintain this contact, and the ultimate outcome of the current relationship. I will link to a great article in Psychology Today that discusses this study and our topic today in more detail.
So we have already discussed some of the reasons that ex-partners stay in contact. Let’s now discuss what the biggest reason for continued contact is according to the study.
The biggest reason that people stay in contact with an ex-spouse has to do with their feelings toward that person and toward that relationship. They were also more prone to stay connected if the breakup was more positive. One final reason for communication is not moving past the break-up.
Now what might all of this say about your current relationship and how healthy it is?
- The study showed the communication alone was not a determinant of the feelings toward the current partner or the relationship.
- However, the frequency of that contact did have an impact.
Should you keep in contact with an ex-spouse?
- The reasons behind why you are doing so are most important.
- Additionally, you should take into consideration your current partner’s feelings on the matter.
- Other research was quoted in the article that says that it can be more difficult to get over feelings if you are in constant communication with an ex-partner.
As with most issues, there is no real right or wrong except when it comes to the motives behind the contact. Unfortunately these motives can often be hidden in a current relationship and so making it tougher to come together.
If unhealthy motives are not the issue then clearly some compromise whether each of you may give a little on the issue might be the best course of action.

Resources

What’s Going On When Stay in Touch with Your Ex

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how not respecting each other’s differences can lead to the same result as our previous marriages. In a remarriage, it is highly likely over time you have built certain opinions and attitudes around a variety of subjects. This is not the issue. The issue is whether we can dialogue and respect each other through these differences. We hope you enjoy today’s episode! For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In marriage relationships, differences of opinions are going to come up all the time. In fact, if you have no differences then it may be argued that you aren’t spending enough time together.
According to couples researcher John Gottman, couples face two kind of issues. Yes, that is right you can put your differences into one of two categories.
The first kinds of problems couples face are the solvable kind. These are the easy things in life like who is going to make dinner or who will drop the kids off at school or who will mow the yard. So within a few minutes of discussion you can come to a conclusion and find a mutually agreeable solution to the problem.
Now, the same problems for some couples might be easily solvable but for others these kinds of problems might not be so easily solvable.
This brings us to a second kind of problem. These problems are known as perpetual problems. These problems have no easy solution. Every time one of you attempts to bring these issues up, you end up hitting brick walls. Eventually you begin to feel isolated, distant and lonely if too many of these issues start to pile up.
Perpetual problems might be centered around how much time you devote to one another versus alone or with friends. It might center around your sexual desires including type of things you might like to try. It could involve parenting styles and types of disciplines.
These perpetual problems tend to not get solved because person views them as a “right or wrong” proposition. In other words rather than trying to work through the issues, each of you become more and more entrenched thinking your partner is so skewed and wrong in his or her thinking.
There are three reasons why perpetual problems exist:
- Differences in personality. One example could involve a difference in extroversion versus introversion. In this case one of you might prefer to stay at home most of the time and one of you might like to go out more.
- Differences in upbringing and differences in your childhood experiences. If you were disciplined heavily and your every move was scrutinized, then you will almost assuredly have the view that your children should be parented in this way. Conversely if you were given more slack, you will tend to do the same as you parent.
- Differences in world view. This can often stem from how you were brought up as children but can also be developed as you get older as well. Probably the easiest explanation for this would center on political views. If one of you is more heavily left leaning on the political spectrum and one of you leans heavily right, then you will almost certainly disagree on much in this area.
You might be extremely surprised to know that Gottman says that around 70% of all issues that couples face are those that are perpetual. Only 30% are solvable. So what are we to do? Give up? No, I will give you three things to do regarding perpetual issues.
Slow Down. Sometimes we are too quick to get emotionally in a disagreement with our spouse. Take some time to really listen to what your partner is saying. Ask yourself and feel free to ask your partner where this opinion comes from or why it is so important to them. Finding the answers to these questions can sometimes lead to realize that something that holds a significant meaning for your partner can help change your perspective.
Agree to Disagree. This one sometimes trips people up and they think that each must walk away mad. If you can have conversations with each other about the fact that you will often disagree, then knowing this option is available can help. Now of course you may still need to work some solution out but being respectful about it can be a big help.
Compromise. Uncover areas where you are not willing to compromise and share those. Also uncover areas where you can compromise. See if those areas where you can bend some will be just enough to solve the issue.
Think about the problem as the problem. Your spouse is not the issue, the issue is. So if you can shift your perspective and it is really effective if both of you can shift your perspective, then this can sometimes bring a solution to the surface.
Just remember you cannot avoid issues in your marriage. That is not the goal. If that were the goal then I would tell to live like roommates in separate rooms with separate bank accounts with separate lives. So don’t get yourself down if your are bumping into each other on many issues.
Think about what we talked about today including the ways in which you can work with perpetual issues in your relationship.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s message.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks from personal experience about remarrying someone who did not have children of her own. This dynamic can often create an imbalance in how life is viewed by both partners. Often, the person entering into the marriage without becoming a step parent, can often take for granted the difficulty the new spouse has in step parenting. We will discuss things to watch for how to be helpful in this situation when one person has children and the other does not. Enjoy today’s episode! For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s episode, we will discuss what it is like from the perspective of the spouse who remarries a person without children.
Pew Research says that about 40% of Americans call someone “step” meaning the true nuclear family has divided and that one or both parents have moved on to a new relationship.
Did you know that one of the more famous individuals who married with no children of his own but had 2 stepchildren was George Washington. Now technically his marriage to Martha was his one and only, but it was Martha’s second. She was married to Daniel Custis until his death. She was married to Custis from 17-25. They had 4 children together but only 2 survived toyoung adulthood – John (Jacky) and Martha (Patsy). Her first husband died and they had 4 children together. However only 2 survived a
Like the Washington’s, one of the spouses may enter a second marriage without children. This can be the result of all sorts of reasons whether it be decisions that were made to not have children, medical issues, or maybe the divorce happened before the couple was ready to have children.
If blending families were not difficult enough when one spouse has children and the other does not it can certainly cause even more difficulty in coming together.
Interestingly for me in my two marriages, I was a step parent in my first marriage but not in my second marriage. This is of course flipped from what is normal. But then again what is truly normal in a blended family?
There are certain things to watch out for when you are the spouse entering into the marriage without taking on additional children.
Taking for granted how much easier it is for you than it is for your spouse. This can often cause resentment in the case of both of you, because you can quickly forget how different your spouse has it with this new dynamic.
Obviously discipline differences are fraught with all sorts of pitfalls. In some cases, not being unified in how you parent is a major issue. In some cases not discussing who might be the main disciplinarian can be an issue. Some research says that if your children are 6 or older, it will be difficult for them to take discipline from a stepparent.
Expecting your spouse and child to bond quickly. Just remember you have had several years and in some cases 14 or 15 years to build a bond with your child. Often your spouse does not have this luxury. Be patient with the upset that your child and spouse may present to you.
Not letting your spouse create his/her own unique ways to bond. Sometimes it’s easy to tell your spouse that what he/she is planning won’t fit your child. Let your spouse experiment with activities and things they can do together apart from you. This will help your child and spouse create something special that has meaning only for them.
Limiting your expectations will help you keep your sanity. This may sound counterintuitive, because we all want things to work out and work out quickly. However, blended families are often like crock pots (that sometimes get unplugged from time to time!) rather than microwaves. Take things slowly and remember that it can take years for your child and spouse to bond.
Your job is not easy certainly in juggling your children’s and your spouse’s feelings. Just remember everyone in this new blended family will struggle. You are all in the foxhole together. Just continue to listen and communicate with each other regularly. Realize that everyone’s reality is valid and work to accept it.
I hope you have enjoyed today’s message.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer helps you as a couple to increase your connection and intimacy with this mindfulness exercise. Often in a blended family, we do not take time as a couple to be mindful of each other and our feelings. In this exercise, you will both tune into the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself and toward each other. You can return to this episode again and again when you feel like you connection between each other is fading. In fact, it is recommended to return to it every day if you need it. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, we are in part 3 of our Mindfulness series. In session 40, we introduced mindfulness and in session 41 we did an individual mindfulness exercise to calm our minds and really get in tune with what is happening with our thoughts and feelings. In this session 42, we will do a mindfulness exercise for couples. You are your partner should do this together.
Remember mindfulness is simply becoming more aware of the present moment. In reality this is the only moment we really have. The past has already happened and the future will never really get here. Ensuring that we fully engage with what is happening in our mind and body in the present moment will ensure we don’t miss what is truly important.
So for this exercise to work well there are a few things you each need to do to prepare.
First, make sure you are both in a quiet place without interruption. So hopefully the kids are either in bed fast asleep or out of the house completely.
Turn off all distractions like the television and your phones.
If you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally because of an argument with each other or maybe some other stressor you might want to take a few moments to help each other calm down.
You will be standing during this exercise unlike the previous individual mindfulness exercise in which you were either sitting or lying down.
You should be in a larger room because you will first stand together back to back and then take about 4 steps away from each other. So you might want to get in a place first and try that to see that you have the room.
So once you have prepared yourself and the area you are both ready to begin. So let’s begin now.
Stand back to back in the middle of the room. Make sure your backs in some places are touching each other. Take some breaths in and out. What does it feel like to stand back to back? What thoughts are you having? What feelings are arising?
Each of you should take one step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. Remember when you were touching? What do the areas feel like now that you are not touching? Take a scan of your body. What are you sensing. What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Remember no need to judge these. Just accept them as they are.
Each of you should take another step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. Remember when you were touching? What do the areas feel like now that you are not touching? Take a scan of your body. What are you sensing. What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories?
Each of you should take a third step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. What are you sensing? What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Is your mind wandering? If so this is ok. Just bring it back to the present moment.
Each of you should take a fourth step away from each other. Take some breaths in and out. What are you sensing? What thoughts are occurring? What feelings? Any memories? Is your mind wandering? If so this is ok. Just bring it back to the present moment.
Now turn around and take one step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a second step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a third step toward your partner. Take some breaths in and out. Now look at your partner in the eyes. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Whatever it is simply notice it. Do not worry about changing it.
Take a step toward your partner until you are standing chest to chest. Take some breaths in and out. Without talking, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? How does it feel to stand this close to your partner?
You can now arise from this exercise, by taking a step back. Powerful thoughts and emotions can be stirred during this time. Did you feel any walls? Did you feel any vulnerability?
Journaling by writing or drawing about your thoughts feelings and sensations can be helpful at this time.
Once you have completed that, discuss with your partner what you were thinking and feeling. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable. Remembering that you each are being very vulnerable right now by opening your hearts.
I hope this exercise in particular has been helpful. Remember to return to this session, which is session 42 as often as you need when you feel you need to reconnect with each other.
I have really enjoyed this mini-series as it has given us a chance to slow down in this hectic life. I feel better, do you?

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer helps you reduce stress and increase calm with this mindfulness exercise. Living in a blended family can be chaotic. It can feel like the needs of the family are never ending. Take time for yourself with this exercise that will help you slow down and be more focused on the present moment. You can return to this episode again and again when you feel stressed. In fact, it is recommended to return to it everyday if you need it. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, this is something different from every other episode we have ever done. Rather than sharing lots of information, we are going to simply slow down by doing a 20 minute or so mindfulness exercise. If you have not listened to the previous episode which is Session 40, I would highly recommend you do this first. That episode will give you an introduction into mindfulness.
Before we begin make sure that you are not doing something else especially anything that requires your full attention like driving or taking care of the needs of others. If this is then case, then return to this at a time when you can devote 20 minutes without distractions.
Make sure to put away all distractions and to put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” if you can. In this exercise, you will be doing this on your own.
Ok, let’s work on beginning.
Find a comfortable place to either sit with feet on the floor and legs uncrossed. You can even lie down if you would like. Gently move your body around until you get comfortable. Once you feel settled, I want you to take a deep breath in, hold it for a few counts, and then exhale.
Take another deep breath, hold it, now exhale. Again take another deep breath, hold it, now exhale. Once more take a deep breath, hold it, now exhale.
Now close your eyes if you have not already done so.
Shift your focus to your body. Do you notice anything? Simply take note. You are not trying to change anything. Simply notice bodily sensations.
Take a deep breath in, hold it, now exhale.
Now just simply breath as normal. Follow your breath. Feel the cool air enter and then as you exhale feel the warm air as it leaves. Simply be with your breath.
Has your mind wandered? If so that is okay. Return to your breath.
Are there any feelings that are coming up for you right now? If so notice them without trying to change them.
Return back to your breath. Noticing the stomach rising and falling with each breath.
Have you gotten carried off by any thoughts. Maybe there is a worry or a plan for the day that you got swept away by. It’s okay, simply return back to your breath.
Picture your thoughts like clouds drifting in the sky. When we choose to linger on a thought it is as it has stopped moving and is now lingering. When you realize you are being swept away by a thought, simply return back to your breath. Allow the thought to simply drift away.
For the remaining time, I am going to go away. I want you to continue to focus on your breath and your body. If sensations arise in your mind of your body, simply take note of them. There is no need to change them. If you find yourself getting carried away with your thoughts or feelings, it’s okay just return back to your breath.
It is time now to prepare yourself to arise from this exercise. Slowly open your eyes. Maybe have a little stretch.
How did you do? How did that feel? If you found yourself being distracted by your thoughts, this is completely normal especially if you just started to practice this.
This mindfulness exercise is not a quick fix, but rather a longer term solution to help with stress, worry and anxiety. You may consider returning to this everyday if you need it.
So that is all for today. I know you have either gotten your day off to a good start by doing this or maybe this is an ending or you may have even needed this in the middle of a hectic day. Whatever works for you, just keep at it.
Remember next week’s session will be a similar exercise, but in Session 42 I want you to do this together as a couple if you with someone right now. If not keep repeating this session as needed.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses stress and lots of things going on in our lives can get in the way of working on an issue in the present. When we are stressed, our mind often goes into the past where guilt lies or it leaps into the future where anxiety and worry reside. In part 1, Brian introduces mindfulness and how it can help you concentrate on the things most important right in front of you. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In today’s session, we start a 3 part mini-series on Mindfulness. In part 1 we will talk about what it is and why it is important. Then our next episode which is Session 41 we will be devoted to an individual mindfulness exercise that you can do to help reduce stress and feel more relaxed In the final part of the mini-series, session 42 will be devoted to a couples mindfulness exercise that you can do together that will help strengthen your connection. You can listen to these episodes anytime you need to increase focus and attention on the present moment.
Our minds are constantly moving and thinking about all sorts of things even things we don’t realize. Did you know that many researchers say that we have somewhere between 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. This means we might have different thought every 30 to 45 seconds.
Because our minds are like computers it can be both a positive and a negative. It can mean we can multi-task but it can also mean we get bogged down in feeling stuck. This becomes problematic when we are engaged in conversations that get heated with our children or our spouse.
There are two major theories on how to treat our unwanted thoughts. We can either work hard to stop them or we can simply notice them and let them pass by. Mindfulness is all about the latter in that it is all about seeing the thoughts and letting them float by.
We often subconsciously believe that our thoughts must be our reality or that they are the truth. For example, my current spouse is doing similar things that my ex-spouse did therefore he or she must be having an affair. Or my son is not telling me all I need to know therefore he must be hiding something.
Of course don’t dismiss facts that you see in life or overlook things, but remember to constantly be checking in to your thoughts. Are these thoughts rooted in reality or did they occur because I am stressed, we are not communicating, it reminds me of something that happened in the past, it makes me worry about our lives moving forward, a close friend just passed away, and on and on it goes.
Mindfulness while it has Eastern Buddhist roots has been adapted to a more Western cultural fit. Mindfulness is simply recognizing our thoughts like clouds in the sky. They are separate and apart from us and most times not our reality. We can see them floating by and we can make the decision of whether or not we want to engage with them.
If I am a Christian, does mindfulness mean I am praying to some other God? You can practice mindfulness, but focus on your thoughts and letting them float by or you can see your thoughts and distractions as they float by and then choose to return your focus to God.
Does Mindfulness mean I stop praying. The answer to this is also No. You should use prayer as the number one method for communication with God. Mindfulness is simply a supplemental technique that can help you recognize when your thoughts are whisking you away to an unhelpful place.
The problem with our thoughts is that they often drive how we feel. When we are tossed to and fro by our thoughts, a whole host of feelings like fear, worry, upset, anger, loneliness, and others can bubble up.
Mindfulness can also help you in your conversations with your kids, your stepchildren, your spouse, your ex-spouse, your ex-spouse’s spouse, your friends, your colleagues, and your boss.
In the next couple of episodes we will practice some mindfulness exercises and I can almost guarantee that you will come through more relaxed and at peace. If you practice them with regularity, you will begin to be able to more quickly release a thought that you begin to feel carried away by. This can result in more joy, peace, and content.
Get ready for the next 2 episodes to be used again and again when you feel stressed or need a time-out from a difficult conversation with a family member.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses the pressure we put on ourselves believing that a new stepfamily will blend quickly or that there is some secret sauce we must learn to make it happen. In this episode he discusses 4 Myths about stepfamilies that if we will stop believing, can help us feel less stressed and less responsible for difficulties in this new system. We hope you enjoy today’s message. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Entering into a new stepfamily or blended family is hard stuff. There is no way around how difficult it can sometimes be to see that everyone is on the same page and functioning in a healthy way. Research says that it takes 5-7 years for blended or step families to function like a biological or nuclear family. In some instances, the new family will never full develop into something that looks exactly like the biological family.
Today we will talk about 4 Common Myths that many of us believe about stepfamilies. These myths are discuss in the Prepare Enrich program for couples. I use this program in my couples counseling and coaching to help couples work through all sorts of practical areas of concern in their relationship. These myths are found in the Prepare Enrich workbook and I will attach a link in the Resource section of these show notes.
Myth #1 – We love each other as spouses and so this love will flow down throughout the children. Do not be surprised if this bond and love takes time and as I keep mentioning it may never happen. This is not your fault. It is the situation and the different life that the children have been placed.
Myth #2 – This marriage will be better. The goal should always be that you will do better this time around. You will have learned from your mistakes of the past and you will know what to do and what not to do. The problem is that as humans it can be hard to break out of the patterns from the past. The best thing you can do is recognize them and then slowly begin to work them out of your life.
Myth #3 – The children will feel happy just like we do. Again the hope is that they do and a small percentage will actually be happy. However most children feel disoriented and sometimes downright resentful of this new situation. It will simply take time for children to become accustomed to the new normal and settle into new routines and patterns.
Myth #4 – The stepparent and stepchildren will quickly bond just as a biological parent and child would. As a stepparent there is certainly anxiety about doing all you can to increase the bond. Additionally stepparents sometimes will completely begin acting like a biological parent by immediately giving the child expectations and disciplining. This is a mistake to do this too quickly. A trusting relationship should be developed first. Only thing can you begin to enforce rules. One important thing to do those is have unity with your spouse on these matters. The worst thing to do is hang each other out to dry by showing the kids you have different perspectives on expectations.
Take it slow and reduce your internal expectations of what you will see unfold. This will help reduce your stress and anxiety to make this work. Just relax and try to have as much fun in the present moments which are moments you cannot get back. Stop feeling guilty and shamed over the past and worrisome and anxious and live the satisfaction of this present which is all we really have.
You can do this, I know you can. Patience and Perserverance in everything you do by creating stability, consistency and structure.

Resources

Prepare Enrich Workbook for Couples: This workbook is loaded with lots of great exercises for you to do with your spouse to increase your bond and live the kind of marriage you want.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses a very common parenting issue after divorce. The way in which we parent our own biological children can change after a divorce. Sometimes there is a thought that if we are tough on our children are parents sometimes should be that it will cause even more pain for the child. Not so says Brian as children still need firm boundaries so that they might grow up to be productive adults. We hope you enjoy today’s message. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Moving past a divorce is one of hardest things to do in life. For some people it can actually take years. This period of mourning and grieving the loss can often seep into a new relationship and the new blended family that formed.
One common symptom of this grieving occurs in the way your own biological children are parented. Divorced parents often change the firmness with which they parent for fear that they are harming the child even more so. In other words, there is a thought that “haven’t I done enough to my child through this divorce.”
As a result of this change, you begin to give in more allowing the boundaries they the child operates in to become larger and larger. You may not realize this but you have now begun to parent from a place of guilt rather than from a healthy place.
The change is a result of helping you to feel better and so you begin to project that on to your child. The issue with this is that it is only a temporary solution.
The longer a child is parented in a way in which they get whatever they want will only lead to trouble later in their teen years and into early adulthood when they have to interact with other adults.
What can you to do to get yourself out of this trap?
- Connect with people in similar situations. Find support groups especially at your church. If your church does not have one then think about building something if only informally.
- Parent your child by looking at the present and into the future rather than focusing on the past. Being mindful of what is happening in the present can help you give appropriate consequences to bad behavior. Additionally looking at how your child will be in the future can help you make the tough decisions now. Focusing on the past especially if you feel lots of guilt and shame (which is very common by the way and so don’t beat yourself up!) can make it hard to parent in a healthy way.
- Lean on your current spouse for their thoughts. This is a tough one because you may have differing parenting styles already but once again approaching your spouse from a position of gathering as much information as you can to make the best decisions possible is what you will want to do.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 3 of the series we discuss Level 5 – Managing Conflict, Level 6 – Make Life’s Dreams Come True, and Level 7 – Create Shared Meaning. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Sound Relationship House Level 5 – Conflict Management. Healthy relationships don’t avoid conflict and sometimes they don’t resolve it. Healthy relationships can manage conflict. Healthy couples are very good at recognizing the negative cycles and escalation patterns more so than the content of the issue.
- There are 2 types of issues for couples. Solvable problems are generally easy to fix but represent only 30% of the issues couples face. Perpetual problems are those that involve differences in personality, upbringing, and world view – they represent 70% of couples issues and have no real solution.
- When couples become gridlocked they can no longer comfortable talk about the issues. Couples need to get at the underlying core issue in order to understand each other better.
- Keys to conflict management are to watch for harsh startups, attempts to solve or give advice when not asked for, and viewing the partner as the problem and not the problem as the problem.
Level 6 – Make Life’s Dreams Come True. Each of you has a dream individually whether it is to be a better parent, more healthy, or more successful at work, or more spiritually connected. You each have an obligation to the other person to do what you can to help those dreams become a reality. Making life a win-win will help both partners. If life is viewed as you win and I lose, then relationships will soon falter.
Level 7 – Create Shared Meaning. This is the pinnacle of the relationship house and what I call the attic. It can be hard to obtain but is possible. This level is all about creating a legacy for future generations. It occurs when partner works to maximize that person’s interests and not just their own. It is knowing that I have my partner’s back and they have mine. The level is nourished and made possible by showing gratitude and comparing your partner favorably to others.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Summary
Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 2 of the series we discuss Level 2 – Sharing Fondness and Admiration, Level 3 – Turn Toward Instead of Away, and Level 4 – The Positive Perspective. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Level 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration. Partners must proactively scan around for what each other is doing correctly and then pointing it out. Building a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect. This is considered a direct antidote to Contempt which is one the Four Horsemen.
- Develop a Thanksgiving checklist where you tell your partner 1-3 things per day that you appreciate about them.
- Make it a point to touch your partner everyday in a meaningful way.
Level 3 – Turn Toward Instead of Away. Even small questions and statements are emotional bids for connection. The more often we turn toward and acknowledge our partner the more connected we become. The more we turn away or against these, the less healthy our relationship becomes.
- Discussing work stress and being able to “vent” to each other about stresses outside the relationship is critical.
- Continue to build the emotional love tank by listening and understanding. Don’t try to problem solve or give advice unless asked.
Level 4 – The Positive Perspective. This is really a bonus level that occurs when the first three levels are all working properly. When Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Toward are all a priority and done correctly then life’s little issues usually becoming less of a big deal.

Resources

None mentioned.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

View Details

Summary
Brian Mayer hosts the three part mini-series to help you develop habits that can make the relationship with your significant other more happy healthy. These habits are based on couples expert Dr. John Gottman and his Sound Relationship House. There are seven levels with each building on the other. In today’s message, which is part 1 of the series we discuss the background of his research and explore Level 1 of the house which is called Building Love Maps. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are 6 predictors of divorce. Harsh Startups to Conversation, Presence of the Four Horsemen in Discussion – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, Emotional Flooding, Body Language (physiological responses), Failed Repair Attempts, and Bad Memories.
Harsh Startups are usually attacks that begin with the word “you.” Conversations that have Harsh Startups end badly about 96% of the time. Use “I feel” statements instead.
The Four Horsemen include Criticism which means we stray from the issue into an attack on our partner. Contempt is name calling, mocking, and eye-rolling. Defensiveness is the attempt to allude the issue at hand and not taking responsibility. Stonewalling occurs when we become emotionally flooding and we check out mentally.
Flooding and Body Language are basically the body’s response to a conflict. Our pulse rate increases and we go into Fight/Flight/Freeze mode. We can no longer problem solve, think creatively, or listen appropriately.
Failed Repair Attempts is anything that is done to help get a conversation or conflict back on track. Like simply saying “I’m sorry” or “Can we start over.” Repairs fails because they are done too late or not often enough.
Bad Memories are harder to control, but they are present because everything has become clouded through the pain of the present. So wedding and honeymoon memories turn sour because of the conflict of today.
Level 1: Building Love Maps. Each partner should build a friendship with their partner by getting to know each other. Asking open ended questions about your partner’s biggest embarrassments, biggest fear, hopes, and dreams can go a long way to knowing your partner.

Resources

Gottman Card Decks available on the App Store at Itunes.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the little moments of attempts for emotional connection in a marriage. Even the simplest of things, like asking you partner if they saw the big accident this morning are actually bids to make a connection. Depending on how we respond to these small bids overtime can steer the marriage to a place of safety or to a place of danger. Brian will share what these are and the options for how to respond. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

The moments in a marriage that can make it or break it are the small moments of connections and not the grand shows like a wedding, vacations, or big purchases, I would argue.
The moments we are referring to are small things like, “how was your lunch today” or “did you see the massive downtown fire on the news today” or “did you notice our daughter has been smiling more lately?” These are not just simply questions, but again are something much deeper.
These are referred to as bids for emotional connection or emotional attachment. There have been lots of studies of this attachment idea and that the way in which we attempt to attach to our current partner is complex. It often is a result of how attachment by our caregiver went when we were young. Did they anxious cling to you, did they avoid you, did they dismiss you, or did they provide the right balance of love and boundaries.
How we make or respond to bids can also be impacted by our previous marriage or other relationships. It can also be impacted by our current relationship. Are we encouraged, ignored, or belittled when we make attempts to connect with our partner.
Responding to one bid in a certain way will not make or break your relationship usually unless a bid is met with abuse. In general, it is how over time the responses to these bids go that will determine the relationship outcome. Let’s think about this in terms of your work environment. You ask questions of people on your team and over time if you are met with disdain or are ignored, what will you do? Eventually you will stop coming to that source and move on to someone that responds in a more positive manner to your questions. Same in a marriage relationship!
Lets’s talk about the ways in which we can respond to these emotional bids from our partner. These responses are based on the work and research of John Gottman who has worked with couples for more than 40 years.
- Turning Toward – This can be as simple as acknowledging the request with a “Yes.” Of course remembering that body language and tone are important, but the words don’t have to be grand or verbose.
- Turning Enthusiastically Toward – this is a step beyond Turning Toward. For example, if your partners asks how you dealt with the drive through the snow this morning, you might respond by saying “Wow it was unbelievable, lots of slow movement, several wrecks. I felt really bad for many of the drivers. How did you do this morning, honey?” See how that is different. It shows your partner that what they have said is important and that you care about what they say.
- Turning Away – Just like Turning Toward can be simple, so can this one. Only this one is on the negative end of the spectrum. The most basic example of turning away would be to simply ignore what your partner is saying or sometimes a “huh? as you or they look up from their phone” It basically says, what you say is not terribly important and I don’t want to invest the time in what you have to say.
- Turning Against - This is the worst form of responding to a bid for connection. Not only do you not really care what your partner is saying, but you proceed to attack them for asking or bringing up something up. It might go something like this. “Hey Honey did you see the awful earthquake on the news today?” A Turning Against response might be something like, “No, I don’t watch the news and I really have no idea why you do either. There are plenty of other more productive ways you should be spending your time.” Ouch this one hurts. A few of these, and a total shutdown and wall will soon be built.
Responding to Bids is not rocket science. However, as mentioned previously relationships won’t turn on a few of things but if you are patient and persistent then you should see the ship start to turn.
Some caveats to mention that make the ship turning more difficult include alcohol or substance abuse, a current infidelity, untreated mental health issues, or current abuse. These issues will slow and even stall the impact especially of the more positive turns. So focusing on these issues are also important.
Your challenge for toward is start Turning Toward much more often than Turning Away.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about issues that occur in a romantic relationship. Problems are unavoidable, but there are indeed choices we can make to handle these issues. Brian will talk about the 2 questions you can ask yourself and then out of that will come the 4 options you have in working with the issues the two of you may have. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Conflict and issues in relationships are inevitable. When I hear couples say that they never argue or disagree, then I know there is a problem. More than likely they are not communicating or connecting enough. That being said, it is more in how you manage and/or resolve these conflicts that are important.
To start there are two questions, you should ask to help direct you in figuring out what to do with the problem the two of you are facing. They are as follows:
- Do I have control over this issue?
- Will I work to change what I can in this situation?
These are two very simple but powerful questions. You might think that they are mutually exclusive. In other words, the thought is that if I just control (deal) the issue that I will not have to work to change it, or if I change something it means I no longer deal with it . This is not true and that you can answer yes or no to each question independent of the other.
The answers to your acceptance of the issue and the desire to work toward change, will produce 4 possible outcomes and we will detail them now.
Option 1: Change Perspective/Regulate Emotions. If you answered No to Acceptance, but Yes to Change, then this means you have to turn inward to change your perspective or regulating your emotions. Changing your perspective involves looking at things in new ways. Regulating your emotions may mean doing things like breathing, finding things that are relaxing, or even doing something like counseling.
Option 2: Tolerate the Problem. This happens when you say Yes to Acceptance, but No to Change. Tolerate means that you will allow the existence of the issue without interference. So in other words you choose to go on with your life in spite of the issue being present. This can be tough and will be a day to day battle. The problem may not go away, but that you will learn to live with it. This can happen when you look at the big picture and realize this issue may play a small part and is not worth the attention to change.
Option 3: Stay Miserable. Yuck, who wants this one. However, we often find ourselves at this impasse. When we say No to Acceptance and No to Change, we are often mired in the depths of the problem. This can often happen if we have a negative view of ourselves which in turn creates low self confidence or low self-esteem. Conversely it can also happen when we place to much blame on the other person. This often will cause us to believe that we have no options because the control completely lies with the other person.
Option 4: Solve the Problem. If you answered Yes to Acceptance and Yes to Change, then you know that you have the motivation and ability to fix the problem. In a romantic relationship, this is always best done when you both can attack the problem together. There is much more power when you both unite to work on an issue together. For example, communication that consistently goes sour is an issue that is common when two people live together for any length of time. When you both recognize, accept the issue and make concrete and detailed plans to change then your response to the problem will change.
Just remember, your answers to 2 simple questions regarding acceptance and change can be a powerful indicator in how the issue will ultimately turn out for you.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about forgiveness. He talks about the difficulty in which we all have to grant and accept forgiveness. He will discuss this from a biblical perspective as well as a secular perspective. Brian will talk about what forgiveness is and what it is not. After today’s message, the hope is that the mystery will be taken out of forgiveness and that you will begin to practice this together. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Forgiveness in relationships is one of the hardest concepts to teach and learn. It also one of the most difficult to feel fully accepting of whether you are asking for forgiveness or seeking to receive it.
Forgiveness myths include: Simply saying “I forgive you” but it is not really genuine, Forgetting, Condoning Behavior, Moving on, and Trusting. These are not forgiveness, but often are either confused for forgiveness or the belief that they are all part of what forgiveness is.
Forgive in the Greek means to literally to send away from one’s self, to hurl away, or to leave behind. It can also mean that something is no longer owed. It can be described as simply letting someone off the hook and that there will no longer be a continued emotional or mental punishment for the offense.
Let’s turn to the Bible to see what it says about forgiveness. But before I begin we need to be clear that our forgiveness as human beings is not like God’s forgiveness. God’s forgiveness is complete, immediate, and he does not take his forgiveness back.
- Matthew 18:21-22: Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
- Psalm 103:12: As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
- Ephesians 4:31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.
After discussing what the Bible says, why is it not easy for us to forgive. It is definitely not. Also before I get into the difficulty in forgiving, let me say that if you are in an emotional, physical, or sexually abuse relationship your safety trumps everything and you must work to leave the situation if you are in danger.
Why is Forgiveness Difficult?
- We may not fully understand what it means. It does not mean forgetting, it does not mean allowing bad behavior to continue, it does not mean immediately trusting again
- We may not be ready. Humans often need time to process issues and emotions before being able to make a decision on forgiveness
- We may feel like we forgave one day, and then wake up the next and have bitterness and complete disdain for the person. Forgiveness is a process and it may take you time for it to fully take hold.
- When someone else keeps doing the same thing several times, forgiveness becomes more difficult. Again, if someone keeps doing the same things then again maybe it is not forgiveness that needs to be first but boundaries or distance may need to come first.
How Do You Know that Forgiveness Has Taken Place
- Relationships are sometimes restored, but not always.
- You are able to wish for good things to come to the other person and you might even be able to pray for them
- You either have a positive or a neutral opinion of this person. The negative opinion has disappeared.
- You will have less stress, less depression, and less anxiety. You may have heard that unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and hoping the other person dies. Or unforgiveness is like allowing the other person to live in your mind rent free.
An excellent movie showing the power of forgiveness is called Unbroken – The Louis Zamperini story. He was an American pilot who crashed into the Pacific while searching for another lost aircraft. He was captured by the Japanese and severely beaten for 2 years until the end of World War II. In 1950, after much prodding he decided to make a return visit to see his captors. He ultimately forgave them all for what they did to him.
Forgiveness is not easy and is a process so don’t give up on it. You will receive a reward if you do choose to forgive.

Resources

None Mentioned

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about how best to communicate with an ex-spouse. While you were together there were always differences of opinions and difficult conversations but there was more of an attempt to work it out. Not so after you have separated and/or divorced. We will talk about what you can do to get your communication back on track for the sake of your children. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s Episode is all about how to communicate with your ex-spouse. We will discuss 5 keys to getting your discussions to a more calm and rational place. If the two of you can get this right, it will reduce your stress and help make your child’s experiences with each other all that more positive.
The first key is do more Listening than Talking. I know what you are thinking. It is not possible for both of us to do more talking than listening. To some degree that is true but if you both can practice this principal you will go a long way to really hearing what your ex-spouse is really trying to say.
Thinking about your emotions is the second key. Prior to communication with your ex-spouse, you should do a self check-in. Ask yourself how you are feeling. Are you feeling angry, sad, lonely, or maybe you are feeling happy, energized, and enthusiastic. After you have discovered what you are feeling, now you should dig to understand why you are feeling this way. If these feelings are somehow connected to your ex-spouse especially then recognizing this is important. If you are not aware of the emotions or the cause of the emotions that can come spilling back out toward your ex-spouse.
The third key is to Care a Little Less. This one sounds cold but let me explain. We tend to get so caught up in wanting to know every little detail of life at our ex-spouse’s house that it often gets negatively blown up in our minds. Often things can be filtered in a child in way that distorts the reality and that must be taken into consideration. Short of anything illegally occurring at your spouse’s home, you would probably do best for you own stress to let some of this go.
Be specific about What to Talk About and When to Talk About it is the fourth key. Of course discuss that your daughter needs new eyeglasses or your son need a backpack are perfectly legitimate discussions assuming these are things that were taken care of in a divorce decree. Discussing things like your ex-spouse new girlfriend and how much she dislikes your children is probably not going to go well. Additionally pick times at regular intervals that make the communications more business like and remove the emotion. So for example, let’s say every Thursday from 6 – 6:15 pm you will discuss the children and how they are doing.
The fifth key is to use a Third Party like a Counselor, Mediator, or Attorney when necessary. If none of these other keys to communicating work, then it could be time to consider an outside party to help set boundaries around communication. There is hope that you can avoid this, but help is available should you need it.
- There is a website called Our Family Wizard that could be useful to help with communication. It has a shared parenting calendar, a message board to contain all written communications, an info bank (for contact details, medical and school information), an expense log to track expenses and to make payments to each other, a place to journal, and alarms for meetings and other calendar events.
Try these new methods of communication and new ways of thinking about communication today to see if you can get that part of your life back on track. Communicating with your ex-spouse is not always easy but it doesn’t have to be impossible.

Resources

Our Family Wizard

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the six levels of communication. Each are important and build off of each other. In order to get to the highest levels of intimacy, each level needs to be developed to the fullest. Brian explains each and give lots of practical advice on how to grow each one. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is all about the different levels of communication. The six levels of communication we will talk about, I attribute to Jimmy Evans who is a speaker and evangelist who focuses much of his time on promoting healthy relationships and marriage. His ministry is called Marriage Today and you can get lots more great information there.
The first level of communication is called Basic Information. In this level, you are really only providing information that is needed for basic functioning in a relationship. One example is reporting to your mate that the sink is leaking.
Partnership is the second level of communication between spouses or partners. This is where you begin some form of actually working together on problems that may exist. So for example, if you are running low on milk you would ask if your partner could pick some up on the way from home. So again you have taken a step up from simply reporting to partnering together to solve problems.
The third level is Conflict Resolution. As course once you begin to start partnering together to figure out a problem, you will invariably bump into each other’s differing views, differing personalities, and differing world views. In this level you may begin to express complaints or criticisms. Complaints are good and actually healthy and involve expressing feelings about a particular issue. Criticism is not good and not healthy and involves moving away from the issue and attacking the other person.
The fourth level of communication is Connection. This is the first level in which we move beyond levels in which we find ourselves with family, friends, coworkers, and others. This is what separates this relationship from others. Connection can involve both verbal and non-verbal components like looking into one another’s eyes or touching of any kind. Being fully present and repeating back what is heard of examples of things you can do to strengthen connection.
Personal Information Revelation is the fifth level of communication. This is where you work to be more vulnerable with each other regarding your hopes, dreams, and frustrations. This level can be difficult to achieve for some couples, because often sharing hopes and dreams can feel like a win lose proposition rather than a win win scenario. The revealing of these hopes and dreams, Jimmy Evans calls the drawing of the drapes to your heart. You are revealing yourself in a most vulnerable way. Unfortunately, if this vulnerability is met with criticism and negativity too often, it will cause a divide and withdrawal. At worst, it can begin the cascade toward finding someone else to be vulnerable with.
Once we feel safe with our hopes and dreams, then we can make it to the pinnacle or sixth level of communication which is Intimacy. Intimacy is where expressions of love, affirmations, encouragement, and all the types of intimacy reside that I talked about in Session 29 – things like emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential intimacy.
Discuss these levels with your partner and talk about what it would take to get to that top level of intimacy. The key is to develop a safe haven in your home in which you can each share your biggest hopes, dreams, worries, and fears without feeling put down, minimized or uncared for. You can have the relationship of your dreams if you will cultivate these areas and taken them one a time.
If you find that you have difficulty doing this together and need a third party, then seek out another couple you trust, maybe a pastor or even a therapist to help you both uncover the issues that lie between each of you.

Resources

Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about the different types of intimacy between partners. Each are important and must be cultivated for a relationship to feel safe ad secure. Brian explains each and give lots of practical advice on how to grow each one. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is all about connecting with your partner in all the different forms of intimacy. There are 5 that I want to talk about today.
When most of us think about intimacy, we think about sexual intimacy. To be true this is one type of intimacy and one of the dictionary definitions of intimacy involves sex. However, the first couple of definitions you will find in a dictionary talk more about a close familiarity or friendship; closeness or another definition talks about a private cozy atmosphere.
The 5 types of intimacy I want to talk about today are: Emotional, Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual, and Experiential. You may find others talk about Financial, Recreational, or Unconditional Intimacy, but we will focus on those first 5.
The first type we will talk about is Emotional intimacy. This happens when we feel safe and secure to be open up and be vulnerable. It’s like opening up the drapes to your home to the outside world. This can be sometimes a very scary place to be. It is especially hard when there may have been a history of abuse or minimization of feelings. Be patient here and slowly but surely continuing to create safe spaces for each of you to talk about deep issues will continue to strengthen the emotional intimacy.
Physical intimacy is the next one. As mentioned this is the most well known of the different kinds of intimacy. Of course sex is the most well known piece of this. It can also involve hand holding, cuddling, kissing, and massaging. When this piece is off there could be a medical issue or it could be something else. If one of the other type of intimacy is off, this one will suffer.
Intellectual Intimacy is sharpening your brains together. It could involve talking about the news. It could be playing a board game especially a thought provoking one like chess or a card game that takes some thought process to work through. It could involve reading a book together. Again anything that connects you through thinking.
Experiential Intimacy is another important type of intimacy between partners. This involves simply spending time together. Obviously limiting or eliminating distractions is key. If you are always on call with your job or the kids, is there a way to turn this off for a time. The key here is to be fully present with each other in the moment. If you find you mind straying, return it back to the sights, sounds, and smells of your environment. Comment on this with your partner to deepen connection.
Spiritual Intimacy is the final piece to the puzzle. This one might be the most important because you are getting outside of yourself to something higher. Hopefully, you are connected to a church or other place of worship. Go together and worship together. There is nothing like the act of both humbling yourself to a greater power. My wife and I choose to worship the God of the Bible and his son Jesus Christ. When we are at church Sunday and I can peek over at my wife to see her eyes closed and that she is singing songs of praise there is certainly nothing like this that creates a closer bond. In addition, the a more formal larger service looking for other couples with similar beliefs to connect to is also important and will strengthen your connection.
Make sure to consistently take stock of each of these areas. It is best to do this together and discuss where you can better. Then make commitments to strengthen the areas that need strengthening.
If you find that you have difficulty doing this together and need a third party, then seek out another couple you trust, maybe a pastor or even a therapist to help you both uncover the issues that lie between each of you.

Resources

Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship by Margarita Tartakovsy, M.S.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian & Heather Mayer talk about the small ways that we can say I love you to our partner. For those of us that are remarried, finding small ways to show our love can be hard. We’ve been through a lot in our life, a lot in our relationships and often are just older making life feel not as fresh sometimes. Today’s episode will help you learn new ways to show your mate that you do indeed love them and don’t take them for granted. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Todays’s Episode is inspired by the poem called “How Do I Love Thee?” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
Here is that poem:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

“How Do I Love Thee” was written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning as a dedication to her husband Robert Browning, who was also a poet. Robert basically rescued Elizabeth at age 40 from a reclusive and oppressive life under her father. Robert was so smitten with her poetry that he asked to meet and soon thereafter they fell in love through love letters.
Wow what a love story! So with that as our inspiration let’s talk about some things in addition to writing poetry that can really show how much we love our spouse or partner.
Leave a note in a lunchbox, on the steering wheel, or on the bathroom mirror.
Text, “I Love You” or simply use Emoji’s.
Share an Appreciation and Be Specific. For example, you are a wonderful teacher because I saw the way one of your students was struggling and how you stooped down on their level to console, comfort and encourage them. Wow!
Give an out of the blue compliment. For example, “Thank you so much for cleaning the kitchen last night. I remember looking at it saying I’m so tired I’ll get to it tomorrow night. Thank you so much!
Random hugging and kissing. Maybe you pass each other in the hallway at home and one of you grabs the other. Maybe you sneak up behind and give a peck on the neck. Whatever it is just find new and different ways to show affection.
Holding hands when you are out together.
Holding the door or other random gestures of kindess.
Spur of the moment massages are always nice.
Connecting through Listening to a marriage talk or sermon. When you hear something that affects one of both of you give a little squeeze or rub on the knee just to show you share in what you hear.
Do the other person’s normal chore. Listen to Session 22 called Role Reversal in Remarriage for a more in depth talk on this issue.
Send flowers for no reason.
Send a card through the mail to work or home.
Buy your partner their favorite treat.
Pray for your partner
Make lunch for your partner
Give you partner the first 5 or 10 minutes of your time when you get home.
Dedicate a song.
We hope these ideas gives your relationship a bit of a kickstart and by all means get creative and come up with you own. In fact we would love to hear your creative ways that you do to show you love your partner or spouse. Post those in the Remarried Life Facebook group and please join if you have not.

Resources

Brian & Heather’s love for each other is your resource for this week.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian & Heather Mayer talk about the ability to communicate fairly when differences arise. To be sure, relationships are always going to have conflict. The goal is not to avoid conflict, but how to manage it appropriately. Today’s episode will help you learn new perspectives and new skills to help you manage how you talk to each other. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Conflict and Differences are actually a good thing. It means you are to some degree expressing your opinions and needs to your partner. When you both can do this, you will invariably bump into each other on occasion when these do not match up.
Couples that do not have conflict and always communicate appropriately using fall into one of two categories.
- Either the relationship is so new and they have not run into this and the couple begins to develop rose colored glasses. Eventually conflict and communication differences will arise.
- A second category is a relationship where one or both partners have been beat down to the point where conflict has ceased because either or both of them are afraid to express needs and wants.
- Personality differences where it may be hard to stand up for yourself and so there are no disagreements.
A healthy relationship will have conflict. Now there is no magic formula to how much or how little is good. However, we would say how often it is dealt with appropriately will often be the best indicator of the health of the marriage.
Let’s talk about some of the ways couples do not communicate or fight fairly. We will also talk about the solution to each of these ways in which we do not fight fairly.
PROBLEM 1: Bringing other issues into the disagreement. You may remember a time that your partner either did the exact same thing or something similar, and you bring that into the argument. SOLUTION: Stick to the issue at hand. You need to resolve this issue on the table and not bring in other issues. The issues can better be resolved by sticking to it.
PROBLEM 2: Saying “You Always” or “You Never” at the start of your statements. This is similar to the first problem in that you are bringing up past issues and you are turning the discussion away from the issue and into an attack on your partner’s personality. SOLUTION: Concentrate on your feelings about the situation, by starting with “I feel irritated” or “I feel sad when..” for example.
PROBLEM 3: Making your goal that of winning the argument. You may feel so strongly that you are right, that you forget about the importance of the relationship. SOLUTION: Make sure to keep a balance of working on the issue while maintaining the relationship. Often conceding certain points to your partner regarding an issue can help you get to a healthy resolution.
PROBLEM 4: Hold a grudge by silently stewing over an issue. In essence you are beginning to keep score when you do this. Often your partner has no idea you are doing this, and so while you think your partner has the issue it is really you. SOLUTION: Seek forgiveness in a timely manner. For some this is tough to do immediately, but it needs to happen. Forgiveness is simply telling the other person you are no longer holding the issue against them but it does not mean you trust or forget. This often takes longer.
PROBLEM 5: Asking to discuss an issue at an inappropriate time. Trying to discuss an issue when one of you is tired or ready for bed is often not a good time. Trying to discuss an issue right when you get home from an extremely stressful day is also not a good time. Discussing something in public or in front of the kids is also not good. SOLUTION: Look for clues as to how partner feels and again whether or not it is a good time. Also simply asking if now is a good time, also helps!
PROBLEM 6: Name calling. This is called contempt and is a way whether conscious or not to push your partner down to a level that is beneath you. Research shows that divorce will happen quickly the more this happens and research also shows that it has a physical impact by eroding the receiving partner’s immune system. SOLUTION: Obviously not doing this is best, but in order to stop you must visualize the best in your partner. That even though this situation is not good, they are a human being just like me.
PROBLEM 7: Discuss something serious or something that bothers you while you have had alcohol. You can be taught all of the fair fighting skills in the world but if you have been drinking, none of these will work. SOLUTION: Wait until you are sober, before discussing the issues. If drinking has become a significant problem in your relationship whereby verbal or physical abuse has occurred depending on the severity, you must either seek professional help for the alcohol abuse or at worst seek a shelter if your safety is at risk.
PROBLEM 8: One of you is talking much more than the other in a discussion about the issues. This could be a personality difference (think introverted or extroverted) or could be something more serious where one of you is oppressing the other. Either way is not good. SOLUTION: Equal time for each of you to discuss the issues is important. If you have trouble with this, use something visual like a spoon and only the person holding the spoon can talk. Obviously be fair and take turns without going on and on.
PROBLEM 9: Turning away from each other or even arguing from different rooms or even different cities! SOLUTION: Body Language and facial expressions are so important and so squaring up to each other when talking to each other. You could even take it further by holding hands while discussing an issue. Lots of hugs throughout the process are good too.
Remember disagreements are going to happen. It doesn’t mean your relationship is not healthy. It could actually mean the opposite. However, if you do not feel like you are sticking to some of these solutions we mentioned then there is work to be done. For most issues implementing these strategies should help a great deal to give you the relationship you want.

Resources

Fight Fair Quizzes:
- http://www.positive-way.com/wqfightingfarepage.htm
- https://www.thenest.com/content/do-you-fight-fair

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian & Heather Mayer talk about staying connected with each other through doing things together as a couple. Here are 5 more (with one extra as a bonus) rituals of connection. Be sure to check out session 25 for the first 25! We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Connection #26: On Car Trips do some of the following: Mad Libs, 20 Questions, A Book Called “If” – 500 questions for the game of life that you can ask each other like, “If you could train a pet bird to do one thing for you and always return home what would it do?” or “Name your greatest accomplishment.”
Connection #27: Texting throughout the day to encourage each other and also simply communicating plans is very important to us. We use it to send the emojis and also says things like “I hope your day is going well.”
Connection #28: In the evenings when the weather is nice, we like to spend time on the back deck. We will play some music and talk about the day, and talk about our hopes and dreams. We also like to watch and listen to our surroundings and then we talk about them.
Connection #29: Friday Night Special: This is a sacred time in which we say no to work and often will say no to other things going on. We spend this time together. We will often make a pizza, play games or darts, and just have a fun time spending it together.
Connection #30: Morning Ritual. We make coffee, decide what to make for breakfast and lunch, and then begin the food prep. Usually one of us will make breakfast while the other makes lunch and we flip flop that responsibility. Then for 15 minutes or so after the meals are completed, we will eat breakfast together and talk about our day that is to come.
Bonus Connection 31: On our Anniversary, we will write out a list of 5 things we want to accomplish and 5 fun activities in the coming year. We also like to look over our list from the prior year to see what we did and did not do. Usually the things we want to accomplish center around work on the house and the fun activities involve traveling to new places.
After listening to this session and session 25, we hope you will implement some of these this week or continue what you are already doing that is working for you. Remember most of these don’t take much time. Simply connecting for 10-15 minutes every day is so important.

Resources

A book called “If” by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell
Brian and Heather’s Brains

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about staying connected with each other through doing things together as a couple. These ideas don’t have to be expensive and they don’t often involve leaving the home. In honor of episode 25, we will discuss 25 simple, fun, and cheap ideas for you to strengthen your bond and connection. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Why are rituals of connection (date nights) important? Your relationship with each other as a couple is the most important relationship you will ever have. Obviously if you believe in a higher spiritual power, this relationship should fall just under. But the point is it should be higher than children, other family members, friends, and coworkers.
Connection #1: Play cards. Learn a simple card game together.
Connection #2: Plan an indoor picnic complete with either a table and chairs set up in the living room or a blanket on the floor. Get as creative as you want here!
Connection #3: Play a video game together like Wii Bowling. Keep it simple and easy so that you can have lots of time to talk while playing.
Connection #4: Build a fire indoors or outdoors and talk about what you want life to be like in 5 years. Be careful to listen to each other and do what you can to support each other’s dreams when possible.
Connection #5: Talk about your favorite childhood toys. Compare notes with each other and make sure to ask lots of questions. Questions like did play alone or with friends? What was the favorite toy you received as a gift.
Connection #6: Read a book together. I don’t necessarily mean reading a marriage book either. Pick something fun like a novel or biography. Take turns reading aloud and then discuss each night.
Connection #7: Cook together. If you don’t want to make a whole mean then plan a dessert.
Connection #8: Watch a movie outside. I normally would not recommend a movie but if you set it up in a different way it can create an indelible memory.
Connection #9: Beverage Tasting. For those of you who are okay with drinking wine for example buy several bottles, pour some sample sizes, taste and talk. You can do non-alcoholic beverages like root beer. You could even do a cheese tasting instead.
Connection #10: Listen to a podcast like this one together. Then discuss it afterward.
Connection #11: Take an online language course together in Spanish, Italian, or whatever language you like. Speak to each other in that language and encourage one another.
Connection #12: Pull out the wedding photo album or video. Talk about it.
Connection #13: Take a course at the local community college together. You might be able to find free low cost courses that are offered to adults that come with no grade attached.
Connection #14: Attend the local art museum. Take it slow and talk about what you are seeing. Do not focus on what you like and what you don’t like or what your partner likes and does not like. Simply observe colors, shapes, scenes etc and share them.
Connection #15: Rewrite your vows. Then repeat what you each have written to each other. You could even print them out and frame them.
Connection #16: Have coffee at the local coffee shop. Plan how long you will stay. This helps to not feel rushed or give a sense of not knowing for how long you should stay.
Connection #17: Go for a walk. Observe the scenes and simply comment on what you see.
Connection #18: Work out together whether it be at the gym or a run or light jog outdoors. Training for a race together is another fun idea.
Connection #19: Attend a parade of homes event together. Talk about what you see and what ideas you might like to incorporate into your own home.
Connection #20: Get a couple’s massage. The new thing is to go for a float in saltwater.
Connection #21: Find a lake, rent a canoe, and gently paddle around for a couple of hours
Connection #22: Go for a hike. Remember to choose a hike that is somewhat challenging but not too difficult.
Connection #23: Go to an antique store. Talk about what you see and wonder aloud where an item may have been and what it was used for.
Connection #24: Volunteer together. You could spend a few hours a week at the animal shelter, local homeless shelter, or many other ideas. My wife and I volunteer at our church to be marriage mentors for couples in need.
Connection #25: Babysit together. Find another couple that needs a break and offer to babysit together. Make sure you each play an equal role.
Remember while the ideas are important, it is more important that you are connecting with one another. Always keep that at the forefront of what you choose to do.
Lots of obstacles will get in your way. Time is one. However, you must be intentional to carve out time. A solution my wife and I have found is to place the event on our smartphone calendar. It is shared and so we both can see it easily. Putting things on a calendar, do several things. One is that helps make it a priority so that nothing gets in the way and two it creates a sense of anticipation.
One other obstacle may be that one of you simply “does not like doing this activity.” I will challenge you here that you must get that phrase out of your vocabulary. I do not like grocery shopping, however I do this all the time with my wife because spending time and investing in our relationship is so much more important to me than the activity.
Finally, if you are in your second or subsequent marriage ask your spouse to listen to this episode. If you are not yet married again, file this episode away and remember to pull these things out at the right time to help in your future relationship and connection.

Resources

Today’s Resource is Brian’s Brain!

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

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Summary
Brian Mayer talks about when the blended of families causing dissention among step child and step parent. Often, the step parent takes the negative attitude or outright attacks from the step child and will personalize them. In most cases, there is nothing personal and the child is simply reacting to the situation that is new and not the same. Brian talks about how you can keep your sanity and also what you can do to help this situation. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Bringing two families together as the result of divorce or death of a prior spouse is hard. It is not easy for anyone and it is normal to feel like you don’t know what you are doing. You are not alone in this as many many families experience exactly what you may be going through right now.
How many times have you heard the phrase, “You are not my mom or you are not my Dad.” Ouch that can hurt deeply. Often children feel like a blended family is something to be hidden and embarrassed by especially to their peers who might have intact families. While they will minimize and hide it with others, this can often lead to emotions spilling out within the family unit.
According to the Stepfamily Foundation, they cited a study done by psychologist Judith Wallerstein regarding stepfamilies and stepchildren in particular that was eye opening. According to the study, only 45% of children do well after divorce, 41% said they were angry, and most felt like they did not have a good model for a healthy relationship. Divorced parents share too much personal information with their children. Many divorced parents cannot separate their own needs from the needs of their own children. A majority of parents are disorganized which causes a slow diminished emotional connection with the child and stunts there growth.
Let’s talk about some things you can do as a step parent to help your step child hopefully see you in a bit of a different light.
First, take care of yourself! This means taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional needs. You must be in a healthy place if you are to properly parent. Ever heard of putting your own oxygen mask first before helping someone else with theirs? The same holds true for step parents. This could mean taking time at the gym, reading for leisure, connecting with others. Just remember there needs to be balance. If you love golf, playing 5 times a week may not be the answer.
Integrate slowly. This means initially have short interactions with each child and do not overwhelm them with your presence, your needs, and your expectations. Remember change is hard and being abrupt will only cause issues down the road. Maybe this means spending 2 minutes getting to know the child. Of course you will run into resistance. But asking the child to teach you something they know how to do and then letting them run the show can go a long way toward connecting.
Be Empathetic. If a stepchild complains that they miss the other parent then be empathetic. What this means is learn to sit with the child’s pain. You are not responsible to change their feelings or scold them. This can be hard because you might take this as an attack on your personally. Just realize it is not. Even if it is, remain the mature adult confident in who you are and what you are doing.
Allow the biological parent to do most if not all of the discipline especially initially. Ever heard of the quote, “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” The same holds true for the step child and step parent relationship. While children will say they don’t like discipline at all, when it comes from a step parent early on it can cause animosity. Make sure you take this piece slowly and be in constant communication with your spouse. That piece can be tough and an entire other conversation.
Schedule time alone with each stepchild doing something they would enjoy. This is extremely important especially after the family has been established somewhat. Kids can detect when the time and attention with biological kids feels unequal.
Finally, just parent as if you are looking into the crystal ball. What I mean by this is to give them what they need for life after they leave you. Too often we get frustrated in the moment and feel like what’s the point. Parent as if you are imagining when the child is 35 years old, that they will say they appreciate how you parented and hung in even when times got tough.

Resources

Stepfamily Statistics:

Stemphttp://www.stepfamily.org/stepfamily-statistics.html

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses how both freedom and security when both are present can foster a relationship that is both nurturing from a couples standpoint but can also help individual dreams and goals be achieved. Countries debate the freedom versus security issue extensively. In the United States this discussion has ramped up and mirrors the debate couples have about this issue in relationships. Brian lays each out and talks about how to handle the approach to this issue for couples. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is called Security, Freedom, or Both in Relationships. In relationships, there can often appear to be a power struggle for security and freedom. When one person feels they are being stifled, she might say there is too much security and not enough freedom. For the partner that says they do not have an individual identity, he might say I do not have enough freedom. Often the pendulum will swing wildly in a relationship.
The same can be said about freedom and security when it comes to a nation’s interests especially in the political arena. In my lifetime I never more have seen this debate after the terrorist attacks in the United States on September 11, 2001. While the ultimate goal for both sides was the safety of our citizens, there were vastly different approaches on how to get there. One side will often say that giving all citizens many more freedoms such as the ability to carry guns or other deadly weapons, can help police and the government while another side might say being more restrictive on everyone is this issue is the answer. Both believe that the ultimate result in their position is that security and freedom will be balanced.
According the Legatum Prosperity Index of 2017, the top 2 countries with the most personal freedoms are New Zealand and Canada while the bottom 2 are Yemen and Sudan. The U.S. is ranked as 28th in personal freedom. The most secure counties were touted as Singapore and Iceland while the bottom 2 are Congo and Iraq. The U.S. is ranked 60th in security. Legatum is an international think tank based in London that focuses on what it can do to ensure societies are free, just, and flourishing.
Are security and freedom the be all end all, of course not. But they should be monitored in a relationship. Take for example, a crying baby in the crib. The baby continues to cry because he does not feel secure not knowing where his mother or father is. The baby is also certainly not free since it is in a crib with the inability to explore. This all changes when mom or dad enters the room. The baby stops crying and if put on the floor may actually begin to explore with toys or books etc. In this case, the baby felt the security of the parent’s presence and when that need was taken care and that mom put baby on the floor he or she felt comfortable to use that freedom to explore.
The same can be said in adult romantic relationships. These relationships should be the both of you against the world. The world is a very difficult place and the home must be a safe haven from that. If the home is a safe haven, where conversations are nurtured and love is freely given and freely accepted, then it can give each of you the confidence to pursue your dreams and passions to further advance you as an individual which will have a positive ripple effect on the relationship.
Some obstacles that get in the way of this are how each of you grew up as children. I would recommend you each explore with each other the rules of the house in addition to how close knit the family was. This will help identify in each of you the levels of freedom and security you grew up in. ‘
Past relationships and marriage will cause projection in some cases. What is projection? This happens when one of you who maybe did not have a voice in a prior marriage, were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused and you begin to associate your new partner with a prior partner. If this past was the case, then simple conversations may turn into blowups, or coming home late may be met with skepticism. Identifying that this is an issue for you is the first step to healing this issue. Not healing this will indeed cause an imbalance of freedom versus security.
I’ve mentioned this book many times on this show, but I would highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. This will help each of you set healthy boundaries so that you can keep the good in and the bad out. Often people will ask, well can’t boundaries be used to control. They of course can, but if they are used to control then they are not being used properly. Boundaries still allow the person on the outside freedom of choice, but recognizing that the person inside the boundary will only allow them in if certain things are met.

Resources

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses role reversal in remarriage. Sometimes empathizing and trying to understand your partner’s emotional state from a verbal communication standpoint does not work at least initially. In that case, it is often a good idea to reverse roles from a behavioral standpoint. This might mean swapping chores. It might mean who initiates sex. It might mean flipping responsibilities in decision making or a whole of other areas of life to switch roles. Doing this can begin to help each other fully understand the other person as a human being with similar struggles and not an adversary. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is called Role Reversal. In Hollywood there have been many movies that have this idea of a body swap. As we know the fantasyland of film they can actually create stories where people physically move into another’s body and brain. Think of movies like, “Freaky Friday,” “Change-Up,” “13 going on 30,” or “Big.” Of course we can’t do this in real life, but we can do something similar.
In couples counseling session, I will often work with couples to help them verbalize their emotions and what is going on inside of them. This helps to bring the subconscious to their own conscious awareness and then secondly to bring it to the partner’s awareness. However this can take much time and lots of sessions before each person can get past many roadblocks with themselves and in their relationship before it can be heard correctly.
Often when these roadblocks become difficult to get through, I will often assign a behavioral component outside the therapy room to supplement the verbal connections we are trying to make inside the therapy room. The goal of both of these is to create more awareness of the importance of the emotions that each person brings to the table.
In my own relationship, my wife generally cooks the meals and I generally clean up the dishes and the other messes that we create. Sometimes my verbal statements about the meals are good and sometimes there may be something in my statement that I am either trying to speak negatively to or that it may be construed as that way whether I meant it or not. I will talk about the example of the first meal she ever made for me which was chicken enchiladas. In this case, switching roles so that I might cook more often and she cleans could potentially soften our positions on the issues more.
What types of role reversals can you do? The possibilities are endless.
- Reverse cooking and cleaning
- Reverse other chores, i.e. laundry and yard work
- Reverse who generally changes diapers
- Reverse who puts the kids to bed
- Reverse who initiates sex
- Reverse who works versus who stays home (this might need a temporary say 2 day switch which I explain in the episode)
- Reverse who does the grocery shopping and who plans meals
- Reverse who contacts family and friends to get together
Recommend the role reversal for one week. This will help you get really immersed in what the other person truly has to deal with in this role. This is like anything that if you only do it for a day or two it may not have the profound effect to produce significant change.
I also recommend purchasing a journal called “How I Appreciate You” in which you each take turns writing in the journal and sharing every day what you have written in the journal. This can be a powerful supplement to the behavioral changes you are making.
Debrief after it is over and ask each other these important questions
- How did it go?
- What did you learn?
- What did you learn about your partner?
- What will you do differently in the future with regard to this task?
- What does this mean on a larger scale for our relationship?
The goal here is to not simply switch activities to give each other breaks, but again we are trying to understand each other on a deeper level. If you feel like you are still not getting there then keep at it and consider some couples counseling as well to compliment what you are doing at home.

Resources

How I Appreciate You by Julie Bjelland, LMFT

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses the golden ratio in marriage with regard to positive versus negative interactions. This is especially critical in subsequent marriages when partners tend to be on high alert looking for the negative. Learn practical tips for implementing more positive interactions into your relationship to divorce proof the marriage. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the Golden Ratio in Marriage. Before I get into that, though I want to talk a little about the Golden Ratio when it comes to math. Not sure who decided this, but the Golden Ratio in a line occurs when you divide the line into two pieces such that the longest piece divided by the shortest piece is the same ratio as the longest piece divided by the entire line.
There are Golden Ratios in all walks of life. In Major League baseball, hitting .400 which means 4 hits for every 10 times to bat is considered the Holy Grail. In the Senate, in order to filibuster proof a bill, there needs to be 60% support. In food, the recipes need the right balance of ingredients in order to make a tasty dish. I remember a friend who made lemon bars in a Home Economics class, by putting a cup of salt rather than a cup of sugar in the mix. Needless to say that was the worst lemon bar I had ever tasted.
There is also a Golden Ratio in Marriage and Relationships. This involves the number of positive things that you do versus the negative things you do to and toward your partner.
John Gottman who has studied couples for more than forty years and is well known for his ability to predict divorce by watching just small portions of a couples interactions, states that there must be at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative to be happy and healthy.
Gottman states that more than 5 is helpful. If a couple is at 2 or 3 to 1 then they are operating as roommates. If the ratio is 1:1 then the couple is heading for divorce.
Why the need for some many more positive interactions? Let’s talk brain science. Elizabeth Kensinger who is a university professor wrote a fantastic article that is linked below in the Resources sections. She quoted research that showed when people are asked to recall details from negative versus positive events, that more details can be recalled when the event is negative. She also discusses how negative events seemed to be more well preserved over a lifetime in our brains. So this is why positive interactions with your partner are critical!
What types of positive interactions can be counted? Really anything can be large or small. It doesn’t always have to be a diamond ring or a trip to Europe. It can be something as simple as an encouraging text for an upcoming stressful meeting, buying a bag of your partner’s favorite candy, doing the laundry if that is typically not your chore. You might come home an hour early one day and spend it with your partner. When you pass each other in the hallway at home reach for a hug and a kiss.
The goal is to pile up the positive interactions so that the love tanks gets filled. The more positive in the tank the less impact that a negative has.
If you are at a loss for what to do I would encourage you to pick up a copy of a book called The Love Dare which talks about taking a 40 day challenge to practice unconditional love. Additional, a book called The Respect Dare is more specifically geared toward women and helping them actively create a deeper connection with husband.

Resources

Article: What We Remember and Forget About Positive and Negative Experiences by Elizabeth A. Kensinger
The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

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Today's Goodies

Today’s episode is all the concept of Boundaries in Relationships in regard to a subsequent marriage that affects more people like biological and step children.
What is a Boundary? A boundary is simply a property line to keep what is yours in and what is not yours out. Think of houses and the property lines that are drawn around each home.
The history around Boundaries started several decades ago when research around how to help people with addictions took off. This research began to take a look at the family system and found enabling behaviors by other family members. This can also be called Co-Dependency.
Out of this co-dependency movement specifically related to addictions, came the term Boundaries and began to be applied to all relationship issues not just addiction issue.
A very helpful book about this topic is simply called Boundaries: How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They have also written one specific to marriages called Boundaries in Marriage.
When healthy boundaries are not in place it can cause issues like depression, anxiety, resentment, and anger. By not implementing an appropriate boundary, you are replacing a temporary discomfort with a more permanent pain.
Boundaries sound easy in theory, but are hard to implement. When we first try to install a boundary on someone that is encroaching we can feel guilty or like we are a bad person. Sometimes we also have this mentality that we must be all things to all people and that is how the Golden Rule works – Do Unto Others as You Would have done to You. However, if you are not healthy first then you are no good to someone else. You will ultimately burn-out if you do not install good boundaries.
Myths of Boundaries According to Cloud and Townsend:
- I am selfish if I install a boundary.
- I am being disobedient if I say No.
- If I set limits, I will be hurt
- I will hurt others
- I’m angry
- I should feel guilty or bad
- Boundaries are Permanent
Learning to not feel responsible for others thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example, the kids being bored is not your responsibility. Now of course day after day, if you never do anything with them then yes that is a problem. But the fact is that they are responsible for how they feel. If we do not allow them to learn to pull themselves out a funk, then they will be stunted in their growth as adults.
Can Love and Boundaries Exist Together: Yes they can. In fact, boundaries actually signal that love exists. Implementing Boundaries shows the other person under what parameters that love can flourish. Inside the boundaries amazing things will happen, outside the boundaries is where individuals can work on themselves.
How Do Implement a Boundary Successfully?
You are One Step Closer because you are listening to this podcast
Get Support. Either find a group or ask a close friend. Role play setting boundaries by being both the boundary setter and the one for whom the boundary is being set.
Do not beat yourself up when you try to set boundaries initially. You may fail and you probably will fail. Boundary setting is a process. You will receive much resistance at first because people will not be used to this.
Final Thoughts
Practice, practice, practice
Know that boundaries will help keep you healthy and in turn will help others recognize how to keep themselves healthy. Think about the
Expect failure and grow from it.

Resources

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses healing from your prior marriage by fully moving through the grieving process before entertaining a new relationship. Everyone grieves differently and the timetable is sometimes not known. However, when you can truly forgive past hurts then you know you can move on. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

An interesting phenomenon is occurring on our roadways that perplexes me. I will come to a red light and a car in the lane next to me is a good 2-4 car lengths behind the car in front of them. I’m not sure I fully understand this? If you have any ideas let me know. However, it does make me think of today’s topic about grief. How does this tie in? I’m glad you asked. Stopping 2-4 car lengths behind is like not wanting to face the reality that a relationship is broken and ended. If we stay stuck in the denial phase of grief we will not be able to move forward.
Today’s episode is all the Grieving Process especially in regard to our previous relationship.
In her book called On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler Ross introduced her 5 stages of grief. This was a result of her sitting with many people who had lost a loved one to death.
- The 5 stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
- Some people have added a 6th stage called Forgiveness.
- Stages of Grief Defined:
  - Denial: The shock of the loss causes our brain to shut down to reality. We go numb and in protection mode. The analogy that best fits here is being given anesthesia during surgery. When we wake up we don’t feel anything. Here I discuss the loss of my mother to death and my marriage to divorce.
  - Anger: When denial wears off, anger occurs. This is a flood of emotions. Underlying anger could be a roller coaster of other emotions. Sadness, fear, and even joy or happiness can sometimes appear. This is likened to when then anesthesia or pain medications wear off during surgery.
  - Bargaining: This is the stage that we might question if there was something we could have done differently to avoid the outcome. Even in death we might question whether we could have encouraged the other person to eat better, stop smoking, or you name it to have changed the situation.
  - Depression: This sets in when we realize there is nothing we could do to change the situation. When it comes to a divorce in fact we may have done things to change to attempt to attract our spouse back. However in the end we cannot sustain these changes, because they are not who we are at the core. Additionally, there is no guarantee they would even be accepted by the other person.
  - Acceptance: This is the final stage where we begin to come out of the woods so to speak. The color returns to the sky, we begin to hear the birds chirping again, and we start to be able to see a future filled with hope and possibilities.
  - Forgiveness: Most people feel like not everyone deserves forgiveness. I don’t believe this to be true, but I believe that forgiveness should be given mostly to help heal ourselves. I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and hoping the other person dies. I have also heard someone say, “Unforgiveness is like allowing someone to live in your head rent free and they don’t even know it.” Forgiveness lets ourselves off the hook just as much as it does the other person.
Final Thoughts
- Grieving is not linear meaning you may hop around these stages
- There is no perfect timetable for grieving. For some the process may take a few months and for some it may take a few years.
- If you jump into a relationship without appropriately giving space to grieve the previous relationship, then you will not heal. The next relationship will suffer.
- A loss of relationship can shake faith in a Creator and faith in the world. Our brain tends to believe that if we are good people then nothing bad should happen. When it does we have a difficult time comprehending. For me knowing that ultimately God works all things for good sustains me during times of upset.

Resources

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses the importance of counseling prior to blending a family. Due to the complicated structure and the little time that family members have to adjust to the new situation making sure everyone’s opinions and feelings are being accounting for is very important. Being heard and understand can often make up for the extreme difficulty in adjustment that both the spouses and children have to make. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

So I love listening to the radio show of Pastor Greg Laurie. He pastors a very large church in Riverside, California. He will often make mention that he has a face for radio in sort of a self deprecating manner. This got me wondering that since I do an Audio podcast, do I also have a face only fit for radio? This got me thinking back to my teen years and an incident that occurred out on the tennis courts in which a girl around my age asked me to take off my sunglasses and when I did she responded with a deflating, “Oh” as if to say “well that was not what I was expecting.” Talk about deflating! Well anyway, my photo is on the website at www.theremarriedlife.com. You can be the judge but go easy on me!
Today’s episode is all about Blended Families getting counseling before the Blend occurs and how important this is.
Prefamily Counseling Article Written by Jaymes Gonzalez
Gonzales wrote the article while at the Department of Psychology at the University of Alaska Anchorage.
Blended families and couples need counseling probably more so than do pre-marital couples that have never been married and first time married couples. The blended family situation is so complicated and then people are sort of thrust together with a period to get to know each deeply. It is like learning on the fly.
Gonzales proposes 4 stages to the Pre-Blended Family Counseling.
Discovery Stage – Discovering Each Family Member. Again because blended families are often thrust together, this stage of counseling is important. It gives each family member the opportunity to learn more about each other. He proposes an interview of each member during the counseling with such simple questions as “What is your favorite food” to more meaningful questions such as “What is your dream job.” He also discusses getting to know personal habits such as whether or not the individual is a morning person and how much affection such as hugs do they like.

Bonding activities are also important during this stage. He gives an example of everyone helping to make a family flag by each person drawing something special on the flag that is meaningful to them.

Educational Stage – The therapist might assign reading such as books that discuss a specific family’s blended family experience. Children’s books on the subject are also very helpful. Podcasts like this one can also be helpful for couples and families to learn more about the ins and outs of remarriage and blended family life.

Education on normalizing the experience is also important in counseling. Letting each member know that combining families is not easy and will not be perfect. This sometimes has little to do with the specific people involved but more about the complicated dynamic.

One thing that does get lost is that children not only have to adjust to different rules and expectations in one household, but they also have to adjust to a second household.

Time and patience should also be taught in the counseling sessions. Most researchers state that blended families take 5-7 to come together in a strong enough manner to operate like a biological nuclear family.

Parental Unification – The couples needs to discuss their views on parenting before coming together. This includes expectations on discipline. It also includes expectations on interactions with former spouses. The sessions on this piece need to give lots of time for each adult to be able to talk about their feelings on all of these matters. It is important to get these out in the open so that each person can work on how to bring this together before the households are combined.

Gonzales cites some other researchers in saying that when blended families are first formed, each parent should be the primary disciplinarian of their own children, but at some point there should be a gradual move to disciplining of stepchildren.

In these sessions, there would be some time devoted to the adults working on unifying, but then the children would be brought in to discuss and understand what the parents have decided regarding expectations and discipline.

Family Unification – This is the final stage of counseling for the pre-blended family.

Discuss fears, hopes, and expectations of each family member

What home life will look like

Establishment of Family Conferences

Simple listening and validating feelings of children are important at this stage. If children are interrupted etc at this time it can lead them to shut down more than they may already be prone to.

These sessions in which the counselor teaches these communication skills should also be used at home during the family meetings.

Final Thoughts

Most blended families are thrust together, but this type of counseling can be important to establish a more healthy unit.

Most experts recommend 10-12 sessions to ensure all areas are covered and that each member can feel confident as they discuss and practice what life will look like outside the sessions.

Resources

The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
Children’s Books - Blended Families by Sarah Schuette and Two Homes by Claire Masurel
The Blended Family Podcast at www.blendedfamilypodcast.com

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses developing a contract with stepchildren to help motivate desired behaviors. He talks from his own experience with his wife and daughter in making the contract work. Contracts can dramatically reduce tension, stress, and anxiety for everyone involved. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

We recently experienced the end of daylight savings time. This means we set our clocks back one hour. So if you forgot, that means you showed up early to church that Sunday. This happened once for me and as a side note was probably a good thing because it happened as I was going through my divorce. I came to church early, was able to talk with someone I barely knew about my situation and also got to quietly sit and reflect in the sanctuary.

The daylight savings debate is always an interesting one. I am in favor of continuing it without going back. This would eliminate the need to change the time twice a year and also I like more daylight at the end of the day.

Turning the clock reminds me about a time when we took a step back in our own family.

Family background:
My wife Heather and I married after having gone through our own divorces. I brought a daughter into the marriage from my previous marriage while Heather did not have children –but boy did she bring animals. She had 2 cats and 1 dog, although one of the cats passed just before we got married. My daughter was about 8 when we got married. While she was generally a good student, we had spells where her grades were not up to par.
My daughter was mostly a rule follower like I was growing up. However, if she and I felt an adult was not watching or paying attention she and I both could stray from what was expected especially when it comes to school work.
When online grading systems were developed, we thought this problem was solved. Not so. There were flaws with this system. Teachers would input all the assignments in the beginning of the year, but if they did not input a grade it would show as a 0. We had many discussions (admittedly angered discussions) about why she was getting Zeroes not knowing this sometimes was not her fault. Now to be fair to us their were definitely times that my daughter was to blame as well.
Caused an immense amount of stress and anxiety as we would check everyday waiting for things to update. The cycle would continue only get worse and feelings would get worse until communication seemed to break down in the family. Everyone felt like they were caught in the middle.
We had to do something different.
My wife and I are marriage mentors where we volunteer our time and remember learning that sometimes things need to be written down. Out of this we decided to draft a contract.
The contract would serve many beneficial purposes:
- The contract would now become the bad guy and not any one of us.
- No more emotional daily discussion about the issue. Expectations were laid out and it was decided that we would allow our daughter the freedom to work without fear of a daily check in,
- It also gave us as parents the freedom not to have the responsibility to check in. It released me from so much anxiety.
- It would serve as a motivating factor to avoid a negative consequence but to also reward an especially good consequence.
Recommend listening to The Remarried Life podcast episode #12 – Four Parenting Styles to learn more about each other.
The contract set-up
- First there were several discusses by Heather and I before the draft to simply talk about the idea.
- Then she and I began to draft it out. The goal was to develop a unity between the two of us before presenting this to our daughter. This process was so helpful, because it removed a great deal of the emotion that swirled around our differences in parenting styles.
- The components of the contract included:
  - The parties involved: Parents and Child
  - The expectations – both for us and the child
  - The timeframe for the expectations to be met
  - The punishment for not meeting the expectations
  - The reward for when the expectations were signicantly exceeded (if the expectations were simply met then nothing happened).
- Put it on the fridge as a daily reminder to all. But again no need to interact on the subject matter, other than every once in awhile to ask my daughter if she needed help with anything.
- The outcome: She met the expectations so we considered the contract experiment a success.
Final Thoughts
We tried the contract experiment only after much exasperation for all of us. My recommendation is to not let things get to the point we did before trying it.
Once the contract goes into place, learn to abide by your part. As a parent the tendancy might be to hover and become anxious. Let the contract do the work as the motivator.
Celebrate when it works! If it does not work, continue to refine the process. Maybe the bar needs to be lowered slightly.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer gets real as he discusses 3 mistakes he made during the time he was separated and divorced. He shares these and what he has learned since. He hopes that you will not experience these same issues. Brian offers ways to reduce the time it takes to recover but he only learned this in hindsight and wishes he had known how to deal with the issues as they occurred. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In this episode, I am going to be very transparent about life immediately following my separation and eventual divorce and the mistakes I made. It’s my hope that if you are in this period of your life that you will learn from this and not make the same mistakes.
Mistake #1: Jumping Back in to Relationships to Soon. I can’t remember exactly but I believe I started dating with 2-3 months after the separation. I had not even begun to go through the grieving process – which is a process of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then finally Acceptance. After 2-3 months, I am pretty sure I was in the Denial phase still. Experts say it usually takes at least 1 year to go through the full grieving process.
Mistake #2: Not Working to Vent Anger. I remember the first time my wife (separated at the time) came to the house and did not have her wedding ring on. I remember losing it emotionally and I do not remember exactly what I said I just remembered being angry. I often think we subconsciously show our anger in the hope that the other person will change. So in my situation maybe there was a subconscious hope that she would react to my anger, by saying “You know what you are right, I should not have taken it off…Let me put the ring back on.”
I remember her then leaving, and I told myself I needed to do something to help with this pent up feeling. I joined a gym a few days later and this helped me immensely. It was not a cure all but it did help.
Mistake #3: Not following through with Counseling. My Uncle recommended a good counselor. I ended up going but only went for 4 sessions. At the time, I had never been to counseling and did not know what to expect. I remembered thinking after those 4 sessions, okay now I am good. I got this. It was obvious looking back now that I did not because it took a total of 3-4 years for me to feel good about myself and life again. Now that I am professional counselor and sit on the other side, I now realize how long it can take the brain to change. It is indeed capable but it can take months or even years to undo the damage that was done to it. I heard an analogy once that stuck. Your problems are like a screw being drilled in the wall. The counseling or recovery piece can’t treat it like a nail simply to be pulled out. It has to be back out the way it was put in.
Final Thoughts
- Give the relationship that has ended some time for you to fully grieve and process.
- Vent anger in a constructive manner through helpful coping mechanisms like joining a gym. Find other helpful things like music, reading, spending time with friends, hiking in nature, journaling, or whatever you find helps you feel better.
- Consider counseling and be willing to stick with it for the long haul. Find a therapist that considers your needs and goals and treat you as an individual with specific needs.
Resources

Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky – They talk about 5 common obstacles that get in our way of enjoying being single. They will help you work through a plan to get through these issues as well.

Resources Mentioned

Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses 3 things couples need to address during disagreements. While it is human nature to want to be right in an argument, Brian says this is the wrong thing to be focused on. Learning things like your world view versus your partners, learning about each other’s past experiences, and also learning to listen and understand will often settle disagreements without actively trying to find solutions. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In my couples sessions, many enter wanting to present their case for their stance on an issue. Then one or both will often look directly at me and say who is right on this issue. Or one might say in your marriage how would that make you feel? This is a very complicated issue and cannot be answered easily. Now one caveat, when it comes to illegal activity like abuse or immoral activity like having an affair this is obviously more clear cut. However, what we will discuss in this episode is more the day to day issue.
For example, I often hear couples talking about privacy of phones and computer and what is allowable, or maybe going to a party and one of you is extroverted while the other is introverted, or it could be how to juggle home and work life, or how best to parent children when it comes to discipline.
So how do you know who is right and who is wrong?
First, I want to talk about your World View. In other words how you view the world. Where did this come from?
- This started in childhood and was influenced by your parents, teachers, and other leaders in life. So for example, with me the political party that I more align with actually developed in me as early as 7-8 years old and was heavily influenced by my father and my grandparents.
- How we communicate in relationships also develops in childhood. I talk to many couples where one comes from a chaotic household where there is a lot of yelling to get a point across and the other partner comes from a more peaceful environment. This invariably causes issues in how the couple communicates and solves problems.
- Once we get in touch with the fact that something is driving and coloring our decision making, we must seek to understand our partner’s worldview.
- Exercise: On a sheet of paper make a grid by drawing 2 perpendicular lines. This will create 4 boxes. At thetop write the world write the word “Structure (Discipline, Boundaries)” and on the left write the word “Support (Closeness and Warmth).” The box on the top left will represent Low Structure, High Support. The box on the top right represents High Structure, High Support. The box on the lower left represents Low Structure, Low Support, and the box on the bottom right represents High Discipline, Low Support.

Now give a lot of thought to your childhood when it came to rules, bedtimes, understanding your role and then couple that with how much you felt encouraged and supported by your parents and the family system.

Then compare that with your partner’s experience. Have lots of rich conversation about this and be sure to stay discussing childhood until you have a significant understanding of your partner’s experience.

Only then can you begin to discuss what is happening the present. Talk about how growing up has influenced what you do today.

Secondly, think about what baggage you are bringing from the prior broken relationship.
- We often project what a past partner did into a current relationship. Again this is something that most of us are not even aware until we do a complete analysis of the prior relationship. You have heard it mentioned often here that there is something called doing an autopsy of your prior relationship.
  1. Think about what they might have done
  2. Think about what you did in the relationship
  3. Think about your trigger points. Triggers are things done in the present that will often remind us of something that happened in the past. Many times there is no basis or connection or similarity. It’s just that our mind has made that connection.
- Discuss, Discuss, Discuss what each of you went through in a different relationship. Continue to reaffirm to each other that this is a new relationship and that you are different people. Do this often.
Third and finally, how do we know who is right or wrong?
- In any issue, before getting to the answer we must both Listen and understand each other. Often we don’t have the full story or the full understanding of what the other person is saying. For example, my wife might make the statement “I don’t want to make dinner tonight.” If I don’t get more information, my mind could go in 1 of 100 different directions. I could think, “She must be mad at me then” or “She must want me to take her out tonight” or “She must be exhausted.” So without getting more information I have completely jumped to conclusion.
- So what is the answer to better understanding, summarizing what you just heard, asking more questions and then validating any feelings you are hearing. So in the example above, I might say “You don’t feel like making dinner tonight?” “Tell me more.” Then let her describe in more detail what is going on and then follow it up with a little validation of feelings. So if she says is stressed, simply saying something like “With this long week you had its no wonder you are exhausted.”
- Speaking in this way often allows a solution to continue to percolate and bubble to the surface without forcing anything
So great after listening to all of this, you are probably thinking that I haven’t answered the question. This is because there may not actually be a good answer to this question.

John Gottman well known couples and relationship researcher says there are 2 kinds of problems couples have.

There are Solvable Problems and then there are Perpetual Problems.

Solvable problems have a specific solution that can generally be agreed upon (easily if your relationship is in a good place or not so easily if not). An example of a solvable problem might be discussing the time to have dinner.

Perpetual problems constitute 70% of the issues couples face. These problems result from things like different world views and different personalities. Perpetual problems can only be worked through with things like gaining understanding, compromising, giving a little etc.

Speaking of personalities, I would encourage you and your partner to take a Myers Briggs type personality test. It tests you on 4 different components that create a total of 16 different personality types. Complete and discuss.

Final Thoughts
- The question of who is right and who is wrong is never easily answered.
- Above all treat each other with kindness and respect when discussing differences.
Have fun knowing you are not exactly alike and these difference are what help you grow as a couple.

Resources Mentioned

Back to Back Drawing Exercise from TherapistAid.com
Personality Test from 16Personalities.com

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer discusses 5 Ways to strengthen your Marriage. The discussion is based on the book called the 5 Love Languages. Each of us has different ways in which we feel loved which include Physical Touch Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. It is important that couples discover the primary love language that each has to love each other using that language. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

There are roughly 7,000 different languages on Earth (Some disagreement between 3,000 – 8,000). Top 3 – Mandarin, Spanish, English. Then among all of those there are many dialects. In the U.S. there are many dialects, Northeast, Midwest, Southern, Louisiana, Texas, California among many others.
Communication is mostly impossible when speaking a different language and can be very difficult when speaking same language.
In my childhood, my Uncle and Dad were involved in these fun races where they would be blindfolded and have a passenger in the seat next to them giving instructions. They had to use what they heard to cross the finish line ahead of the other driver. Needless to say I am sure some things got lost in translation.
Same can be said of a marriage. We often communicate in ways that do not speak to our partner. We often speak or do things that feel good to us and simply assume that our partner likes them as well.
Five Love Languages – Everyone has 1,2 that speak to them more than the others. Need to discover what our partners is.
Physical Touch – The obvious physical touch is sex, but goes beyond that. Could involve a kiss, a hug, a massage, hand holding. John Gottman talks about a 6 second kiss that releases hormones that increase connection and bond. Babies that are touched in appropriate ways often when newborn and beyond grow up healthier.
Words of Affirmation – This love languages involves verbally expressing all sorts of things like love, encouragement, appreciation. Things like “Wow you look great in that outfit today.” or “Thanks so much for taking out the trash last night.” or “You are gonna do great with your presentation tomorrow.” I like to take it a step further and include more details in your affirmation like “that outfit makes your eyes pop” or “you took out the trash even though you were tired and had such a long day” or “you will do great with that presentation because I see all the time here at home that you invested in making it great.”
Quality Time: This is spending time together without distraction. This means turning off the phones and TV. It means giving each other undivided attention. Going to a movie together is generally not what I would consider Quality Time. This time doesn’t have to be expensive and doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out either. The Quality Time can occur after the kids go to bed. Read a Marriage Book together and discuss for example. I know I mentioned John Gottman earlier, and I just found he has a free App on Smartphones called Gottman Card Decks. All sorts of great topics are included so that you can ask each other questions to get to know each other better.
Acts of Service – This means doing something for someone. This could be as simple as making sure the household tasks you have already agreed to are done timely and with excellence. It could mean doing something that your partner often does like drop the kids off at school or make dinner one night. Once again Acts of Service does not have to be anything large. It can be small gestures. These small gestures will pile up and will help fill your mate’s emotional love tank.
Gifts – This means giving something tangible to the other person. Once again as I have said, this doesn’t have to be something large or expensive. Of course it can mean that but doesn’t have to. So don’t feel obligated that the only gift that will speak to your partner is a weekend retreat or a new car. It could something as simple as picking up your spouse’s favorite candy or magazine on the way home from work. Then present it by saying I was thinking of you and wanted to get this for you.
Final Thoughts
- Couples often think if they are doing all of these then this is best. Not true. Again, concentrating on the 1-2 the speak to your partner is best.
- Go to 5lovelanguages.com to take a quiz. Determine your top 1-2 and share. Learn which languages are the top 1-2 for your partner as well.
- Remember to thank your spouse when they speak your language. This gives them feedback that they are filling your emotional love tank.
- Model these languages in front of the children.
- Not only understand the languages of your partner is important, but the process of learning them such as taking the quiz, reading the book, and discussing it will draw you together.

Resources Mentioned

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
5 Love Languages Quiz
Gottman Card Deck – Available on Smartphones in the App Store

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses the different roles the family members take on when dysfunction is present. When families are not healthy, human nature will tend to conform to the unhealthy situation rather than make attempts to change it. As a result the children and even the spouse of the individual with the issues will begin to adapt unhealthy patterns to support the continued unhealthy behavior of one family member. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In blended families, dysfunction is usually more common. As we have mentioned before the divorce rate continues to get higher with each subsequent marriage. This obviously means that there are many more unhealthy patterns present which include anger issues, alcohol or drug problems, and pornography addictions.
According to research by Sharon Wegscheider in the early 1980’s she proposed 5 different possible roles that children and spouses of the unhealthy parent/spouse will take on to continue the new normal unhealthy patterns.
Caretaker takes responsibility for the bad behavior of a parent. They can be co-dependent and protect the real caretaking adult by stepping up to take care of meals, cleaning, etc. The spouse can take this role, but often children will.
Family Hero attempts to bring pride to family by working hard and being successful at school and work. They do this to avoid problems at home. They have a façade of of self confidence and success but internally have issues of inferiority. Often this is the oldest child. The rest of the family does not see the issue if one is doing well. They grow up trying to win the approval of others.
Scapegoat diverts attention by acting out in anger. Since no one is healthy and can model appropriate behaviors the scapegoat will not know how to control anger and behavior. They often become the one to blame for the issue of the parents rather than being seen as a symptom.
Lost Child withdrawals to escape. Since they appear content they will begin to be neglected. They don’t learn social skills as a result. They cannot stand up for themselves and often get bullied. Bulimia is common in the lost child as they try to satisfy pain through eating. They will finds pleasure in other activities including drugs.
Family clown diverts attention from the issue to themselves. They try to lighten to heaviness and drama in the family. The humor hides the pain inside. They attempt to relieve stress and tension by distracting everyone.
Characteristics of a function family include: Clear parent child separation of duties, everyone feels valued and encouraged, roles are not rigid but fluid, change is encouraged, boundaries are present, children are comforted and have a safe harbor at home.
What have you noticed in your family? Are your children playing these roles as an attempt to smooth the family system? Are you playing one of these roles? Are you the source of others taking on these roles?

Resources Mentioned

Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

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Brian Mayer discusses the different parenting styles. This is such a hot button issue for couples and is made more complicated in a blended family. As a result of touchy new connections made between stepparents and stepchildren, this issue can unravel the best of families if there is not considerable care. Parental styles can also be engrained from childhood and past relationships making it more difficult to change. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

In thinking about parenting styles, Brian reminds us to think about what style was exhibited by your parents and if there were differences if you grew up the child of divorce. Also thinking about the styles that were present in previous relationship and how you prefer to parent presently. Finally and just as important understand all of these same issues and styles of your partner’s past and present.
Parenting styles were develop through research by Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s. She looked at the Responsiveness of the parent which includes setting Expectations and Discipline. She also looked at Support that a parent provides which includes things how easy or difficult is the child able to comfortably communicate issues with the parent.
The second parenting style is Neglectful. This parent is Low Responsiveness (Discipline) and Low Support. This style often occurs when a parent travels extensively, when there is drug abuse by a parent, or a parent that has simply abandoned the home. It can also occur by parents that are completely absorbed into other aspects of life.
The third parenting style is Authoritarian. This parent is High Responsiveness (Discipline) and Low Support. Sometimes called the Drill Seargent or the “It’s My Way or the Highway” parent. There is high regard for discipline and structure but little warmth and much emotional distance.
The fourth parenting style is Authoritative and is considered the healthiest. This parent is High Responsiveness (Discipline) and High Support. There are lots of boundaries, but also lots of reciprocal discussion about the issues. The parent is Assertive but flexible. This sets up the child for success later in life.
Do both parents have to be the same style? The research says it is best if both are Authoritative, but as long as one is Authoritative especially in a new blended family where the stepparent may alienate a child by becoming Authoritative too soon, then it is acceptable if there is a difference.

Resources Mentioned

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer speaks with Carmen Roman, Ph.D. who is a psychotherapist with 25 years of experience practicing in San Jose, California. She works mainly with couples and families. Today, she talks all about how to trust again after the pain of divorce. She gives lots of great advice and strategies about getting emotionally healthy and moving forward into a new relationship. She also shares the many mistakes she has seen in her experience that slow that progress. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Carmen discusses the good news about moving past a divorce. She says the experience we gain from the divorce can help to not make the same mistakes again. With time to reflect on what did and did not work previously can help with future relationships.
Some common mistakes to avoid include hoping that your partner will complete you or make you whole. She also talks about the mistake of hoping to change whatever we do not like in the other person, but she describes that it is difficult if not impossible to change someone else.
Carmen says the key to recovery is to honor the grief process, meaning we must walk through it in order to heal. Things like actually writing a list of needs in the next partner is critical. She also suggests one year to move through grief and work past each milestone such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.
Once remarried, avoid comparisons to previous spouse. Be clear about things like children, finances, and other family and how each of you see that working.

Resources Mentioned

There is No Prince by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh
Choosing Me before We by Christine Arylo
Connect with Carmen:
Website – www.emotionsinharmony.com
Email her at carmen@armoniaemocional.com
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/DraCarmenRoman/
Twitter https://twitter.com/DraCarmenRoman
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/user/cafecitovirtual

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

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Brian Mayer talks about money and whether or not it should be kept together or separate. More couples are deciding to keep their accounts more separated. Especially for those coming out of divorce, there is a lot of mistrust that has been built up from past negative experiences regarding money. We will tackle this and much more. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

More than 40% couples in the United States, have separate accounts in addition to separate accounts. Other countries have significant portions of the population that also like to keep money separated.
Couples that choose to keep accounts together cite things like unity, transparency, and increase communication as causes and effects of keeping money more comingled.
Couples that choose to keep accounts separated cite independence, ease during emergencies, and convenience as reasons.
What influences keeping accounts separate? Sometimes lack of trust or complete differences in spending and saving habits will fuel the separation.
Brian discusses where he stands on the issue. He says either together or separated is acceptable but each one takes lots of communication and transparency.
Make sure to ask lots of questions about spending habits. A good start is a 6 question quiz at https://www.learnvest.com/knowledge-center/financial-questions-to-cover-before-you-get-married/.

Resources Mentioned

A free website called Mint lets you input all of your accounts to quickly see all balances at once, do budgets and much more. I have been using this website for well over 5 years and highly recommend it to help increase transparency among couples.
All things Dave Ramsey. This guy is the guru when it comes to no nonsense help with you money. Checkout Dave Ramsay’s radio show here.
He also has a great book called The Total Money Makeover and a step by step program to help turn your financial life around called Financial Peace University.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Summary
Brian Mayer speaks with the Couples Expert, Stuart Fensterheim about his journey through the dark days of divorce through recovery and then into his current and healthy marriage. Stuart provides hope to those that are hurting by explaining that no relationship is beyond repair. He encourages us to seek out the help others through things like couples therapy. When the divorce has already occurred, he talks about divorce recovery support groups as being the key that helped him turn his The keys he says can lead to a more fulfilling marriage and family life include patience, proactivity, fun (aka phun), perseverance, and personality. In addition to talking through what makes these so important and the biblical principles that are at their foundation, he also gives practical tips you can implement today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Brian discusses how he has come full circle with the Journalism degree he earned more than 20 years ago as host of this show.
Stuart discusses the dark days of his prior marriage. You will definitely want to hear him discuss his conversations with his kids and how one simple sentence from his daughter, “Dad, you and mom really don’t fight that much” helped shined a light on a new normal that was not healthy for anyone in the family.
Stuart talks about divorce recovery and the power of joining a recovery group. He said the most beneficial part of the groups was hearing others stories so he knew he was not alone. He also drew strength from his family especially his parents during this time.
Finally, he discusses how the relationship with his wife Debbie is much healthier. He attributes this to paying attention to the small things and taking time to verbally show his gratitude, love and encouragement.

Resources Mentioned

Stuart’s Podcast, called The Couples Expert – Rebuilding Loving Relationships has over 100 episode on all sorts of helpful topics.
The Couples Expert YouTube Channel has lots of quick and helpful videos.
Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers
Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti

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With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
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Brian Mayer discusses the difficult subject of divorce and the church. He talks about what it looks like from the inside of the church. He also discusses how society view Christians and divorce. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Brian discusses various stances that churches take on the acceptability of divorce and remarriage.
He also talks about moving forward and pressing toward what is ahead rather than being held back by things in the past.
Brian examines how some in society view Christians who divorce as hypocrites.
Our talents and abilities in and outside of church should be allowed to shine through. Our experiences and life story are unlike those who have never gone through a divorce and remarriage.

Resources Mentioned

Christians are Hate Filled Hypocrites and Other Lies... by Bradley R.E. Wright, Ph.D.

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships
The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer discusses several area that contribute to the stigma of divorce. There can be much shame and guilt when it comes to divorce and how we view ourselves. We will talk about how being vulnerable is actually a good thing and can help reduce our shame. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

Brian discusses the direction of the show. He plans to have all sorts of great topics and guests, including from a spiritual and a more scientific research based approach as well.
Shame is very prevalent issue when it comes to divorce. It is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Vulnerability is the greatest sign of courage according to Brene Brown. It means putting yourself out there in spite of what happened in the past. She also says it is the thing that fuels innovation, change, and creativity.
Shame and Guilt are hard to eliminate completely. The goal is should be to obtain power over but to not necessarily to try to make it vanish
Feelings of Failure - The ultimate feeling of failure was had by Princess Diana and Prince Charles who divorced after a true fairy tale wedding and marriage. While they are royalty, they are after all humans who had an immense pressure on them to live that out.
Feeling Less Than You Are - The average time it takes to feel like ourselves again after a divorce is about 4 years.
Feeling Different is another reason that dealing with the stigma of divorce is hard. It can be tough to live physically and mentally in a world that seems to cater more toward initial marriages and intact families.

Resources Mentioned

Brene Brown TED Talk called “Listening to Shame”:
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brene Brown
Article: How divorce still carries a stigma in the 21st century

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Brian Mayer takes a look at the 5 keys to stepfamily success. The keys he says can lead to a more fulfilling marriage and family life include patience, proactivity, fun (aka phun), perseverance, and personality. In addition to talking through what makes these so important and the biblical principles that are at their foundation, he also gives practical tips you can implement today. We hope you enjoy today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

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Summary
Today, we look at the divorce and remarriage journey from a woman’s perspective. My guest today is my wife Heather Mayer. She talks all about the difficulties her separation and divorce caused her, but how she was ultimately able to overcome through her faith in God, through supportive friends and family, and most all her positive attitude.

Today's Goodies

Heather discusses how her divorce caused feelings of failure.
A breast cancer scare occurred while she was single and added to the difficult time she faced.
The combination of the divorce and breast cancer caused financial issues that she had to work through. She was able to keep the home she owned through her faith that God would work it and through her own perseverance.
Heather talks about friends, family, pets, hobbies, and her connections at church that helped sustain her during this time.
She was determined to work through her fear and bitterness toward men to move on to a new relationship. She did not rush this process but ultimately realized if she did not work through this that she would remain stuck in bitterness.
To connect with Heather, contact her here. I’ll make sure she gets back in touch with you soon!

Thanks For Listening!

With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on iTunes as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships.

The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today!

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Affairs are unfortunately a much more common issue. Affairs have lots of causes and symptoms like lack of communication, increased conflict, lack of intimacy, loneliness, unmet needs, and unmet expectations. Recovery from an affair is difficult but not impossible. Intentionally setting aside time to talk about the state of the marriage on a regular and fostering a sense of transparency are just a few ways couples can get back on track.

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Learn Communication strategies that can help take your relationship whether it be dating or marriage to the next level. For those individuals that have been divorced and are thinking about getting married again or are married again, these tips should help with things like friendship, intimacy, and conflict resolution.

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For those who had a marriage end due to a divorce or passing of your spouse, and are either remarried or thinking about getting remarried then this podcast is for you. People in the fields of psychotherapy, pastoral counseling, or even non-professionally mentoring that work with folks like you would also benefit.

Often the topics discussed will be brought with a Christian point of view, but whether you are a person of faith or not, you will benefit from the discussions I will have.

Topics:
- Communication
- Conflict
- Blending Families
- Want more Kids?
- Recovering from Affairs
- Balancing Career and Family
- Financial Aspect – To combine or not to combine money
- Feeling like a Failure
- Integrating Friends from Prior Marriage
- Roles
- Long Distance Relationships
- Working Together
Guests:
- Professionals – Authors, Therapists, Pastors, and people just like you who have been where you are.

The Remarried Life: Recent Episodes

The Remarried Life with Brian Mayer. Remarriage, Blended Families, Communic