Rhett Smith Podcast: Recent Episodes
CERTIFIED EXECUTIVE COACH | LICENSED MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPIST | AUTHOR
In this podcast we explore the intersection of relationships, performance and wellness, and how we can best thrive in the systems and organizations we lead.
This was a fun and deep and meaningful conversation with my good friend Jennifer McDaniel. Jennifer is a nutritionist and author, and is the founder and director of McDaniel Nutrition Therapy. I first met Jennifer in early 2022 when I was preparing to run the 106 mile UTMB trail race and she was my assigned nutritionist.
In this conversation we explore a trend that we have been noticing in our culture for many people to move away from social media as well as figuring out other avenues to quiet all the technological noise. We have noticed this move in our work with clients, as well as experiencing a personal shift within us.
Ultimately, the conversation gets down to the concept of self-worth and how much of it is often built upon notions of one's producitivty and ability to perform tasks. And how it can be difficult to move out of arenas (such as social media, email, hustle culture/work, etc.) when one's self-worth is often maintained by engagement and productivity in those areas.
Below is a list of authors and books and resources mentioned in the podcast.
Jennifer McDaniel Substack
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May
4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman
Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport
Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport
Slow Productivity: The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout by Cal Newport
Just a Thought: A No-Willpower Approach to Overcome Self-Doubt and Make Peace with Your Mind by Amy Johnson
In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr
About a week and a half ago I spoke at Preston Trail's Marriage Conference on Mental Health and Marriage.
As I thought about this topic I kept coming back to a few essential things that I feel are at the core of this topic.
- we are wired relationally
- we are wired relationally around love and trust
- optimum mental health in a marriage is incumbent about the promotion of love and trust
So in this episode I reflect on this topic, and I hope you find it helpful.
In this episode I talk with my good friend, Will Perry, who is the Lead Student Pastor at Hope Fellowship Church in Frisco, TX, which is a multi-site campus.
I have known Will for almost 10 years and have loved watching him serve in youth ministry. He is one of the best youth pastors I have known, and I admire the way he engages not only youth, but his leadership and volunteers.
In this episode we cover a lot of topics from being a student of your kid, to navigating social media, the challenges around sex in this culture, and how to create an ongoing, emotionally safe environment to engage your kids.
I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.
Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com
In this episode I talk with my good friend and colleague, Michael Cox, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and contributor and instructor in the Restoration Therapy community that I am a part of.
I appreciate Michael so much as a friend and colleague, and I admire the work he does with so many people, especially couples.
In this episode we dig deep into marital work, and what typically brings couples into therapy, what helps them thrive, and where do they often get stuck.
I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.
Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com
In this episode I talk with my good friend and colleague, Michael Cox, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and contributor and instructor in the Restoration Therapy community that I am a part of.
I appreciate Michael so much as a friend and colleague, and I admire the work he does with so many people, especially couples.
In this episode we dig deep into marital work, and what typically brings couples into therapy, what helps them thrive, and where do they often get stuck.
I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.
Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com
In this episode I talk with my good friend Nicole Zasowski, who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the author of several books: What if it's Wonderful, From Lost to Found, and Families and Forgiveness which she co-authored with Terry Hargrave.
I so much respect the professional and personal work that Nicole does in her life, and she is a lifelong learner which I love.
In this episode we dig deep into anxiety and looking at it through the framework of the Restoration Therapy model.
I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.
Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com
In this episode I talk with my good friend Broc Jahnke, who is the Lead Care and Support Pastor at Hope Fellowship Church in Frisco, TX.
I wanted to have Broc in to talk about one of the ministries he specifically oversees -- ReGeneration -- which is a 12 step recovery ministry.
I finished going through ReGeneration near the end of 2023 after 48 weeks, and it's something I wanted to unpack more with him. Whether you know anything, or nothing about ReGeneration, or are just even curious about a recovery ministry, I encourage you to tune in.
I have been referring clients to ReGen for 10-12 years, and I finally figured it was time I went through it myself after needing to work through some painful issues in my own life, but in the context of community.
Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com
It has been a little over 8.5 years since I first launched my podcast, but I've taken long breaks, and have not recorded a new episode in over a year and a half.
It's been a season of working on my own personal and relational life with others, and diving deep into some new things.
In this episode I talk about my vision for this new relaunch of my podcast and the importance of the word praxis.
It is my desire to bridge theory and learning to practice, but praxis is more than that. Praxis is about the importance of our theory and practice, but with the end goal in mind.
How we are doing something, and who we are becoming in the process, is of utmost importance.
I hope you will join me in this new season of my podcast, and I hope you will find not only valuable insight for your life, but new practices that are transformative.
I am looking forward to this journey as well and from learning from new guests along the way, as well as from listeners like yourself.
Earlier this year I was really impacted by Michael Easter's book The Comfort Crisis. And I think what stood out to me the most was really the idea that in order to grow, one must work on becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable -- and I liked how he connected it with the idea of progressive overload that we often find in the exercise/strength literature.
When I came across that it really resonated with my work on anxiety. Mainly -- that for people to really transform their anxiety it is a process of taking their insight and putting it into practice -- but that transition is really uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. But it is in many ways a progressive overload of anxiety that one intentionally puts upon themselves to grow and heal.
Lots of people have insight about their anxiety, but often they are missing some deeper truths about it that can bring healing, or they become paralyzed with insight. Too much info that keeps them from moving into practice.
And sometimes people will try all kinds of new things to attack their anxiety, or will spend a life managing it, but don't have the insight to get at the healing they need.
Navigating our anxiety requires that we gain deep insight about it, and then we put that insight into intentional consistent practice. That is what transforms it. But the process can create anxiety, and so learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable is the journey we must all be on.
In this episode I share with you some lessons I've recently learned in hiring an endurance running coach to help me train and complete the UTMB trail race this year in the Alps.
I talk about the importance of hiring a coach (therapist, executive coach, etc) to help with:
- coming up with a flexible plan to create change and accomplish your goals.
- the importance of accountability that comes with hiring a coach and how it increases discipline, provides correction and creates an environment for practice.
- the benefit of receiving encouragement in a coaching relationship/therapeutic relationship.
- connecting to the resources and tools and networks that will help you to continue to grow.
Check out the episode.
This podcast episode is a further exploration of the blog post, Anxious Progression One Day at a Time.
In this episode I explore the concept of progressive overload in physical fitness, and how that same concept can be applied to working through anxiety -- mainly, progressively adding anxiety to our lives that we have to sit with, face, overcome, etc. It's through the progressive overload of anxiety that we are ultimately transformed.
In this episode I share my own journey of doing this, as well as share some ideas and stories how others have used this concept -- all set against the backdrop of my 100 mile run (which was a progressive overload for me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually -- over the course of many years).
I recently wrote about this on my blog -- because I've realized the last few months that I have been depressed and anxious for a while.
Spurred on by the continual navigation of COVID, and how that has impacted things culturally, as well as some of the way things are currently done on a day to day basis -- I've realized that there has been a latent affect to what has been going on for 18 months, and finally some of that was starting to emerge in my mental health.
In this episode I talk about three important things that can really help you if you find yourself struggling with your mental health -- particularly, depression and anxiety.
I will take a look at what it means to acknowledge, identify and reframe your depression and anxiety -- and how these things could be really crucial to navigating your mental health in a positive way.
I have always been a fan of breath work, especially in the way that it has not only been so helpful for my own life and the anxiety that I have struggled with -- but I have literally seen it change the people's lives that I work with. Breath work is integral to our ability to emotionally regulate -- to stay calm and connected, not only with ourselves, but with others. In this episode I explore:
- the book that really shifted my belief in breath work
- some tools that I recommend for breath work
- my 110 day experiment with taping my mouth shut at bedtime
- helpful apps to practice breath work
- why breath work is so critical.
- how my anxiety levels decreased drastically and my sleep increased drastically.
- varying breath work methods I used in my running and weight lifting training.
Here are some of the Things/People that I mention in this episode:
- Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor
- Art of Manliness Interview with James Nestor
- Headspace app
- Calm app
- Don't Panic app
- Breathwrk app
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
I'm definitely no expert on the topic of fasting, but I have been experimenting with it for a few years, and finally decided to do my longest fast since I first tried it back on Maunday Thursday in 1999.
In early February I did my first ever 5 day water only fast. And it was a very difficult and amazing experience. I want to share with you my ongoing experiment with fasting -- but as I do -- I always recommend that you consult with your doctor, health coach, etc, before you decide to do your own. Though I grew up in a rich faith tradition where fasting was an important spiritual practice, I know that fasting is really an integrative discipline that interconnect our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual lives. In this episode I will discuss:
- the basic details of my fast
- what I added to my water (lemon juice, salt, LMNT)
- my experience of losing 13lbs in 5 days.
- defining your purpose for fasting
- the double standard when it comes to fasting
- how fasting brings your emotional, mental and spiritual life to the surface in a very raw form.
Links to Things/People Mentioned in the Episode Valter Longo The Longevity Diet
Zach Bush
Ion Gut Health
Prolon -- 5 Day Fasting/Mimicking Diet
At the beginning of each new year we tend to think about turning the page on the current year, setting some goals, and moving with energy and momentum towards the new year that awaits us.
Though there is no magic with the turning of the calendar year, it does offer us a chance to think about resetting.
But this was a different kind of year. 2020 threw all kinds at challenges at us, and as we move into 2021, I don't think any of us are under the illusion that a new year will automatically change things.
But it still does offer us what the New Year transition has always offered us -- a change to pause for a minute and reflect upon what we have been through, and to think about where we are going.
What I have found helpful in this transitional period is to identify some specific goals that I can work on for the year -- ones that I can track and measure -- ones that involve a certain element of risk and the potential for failure.
So in this episode I want to come alongside of you and share what I have been doing that is helpful for me. You probably have your own methods, but I hope you learn something new and beneficial from how I do things.
In this episode I discuss
--the importance of thinking about goals over the long term -- not just in short frames of time. I talk about the quotes by Frederick Nietzsche, Eugene Peterson and Rich Roll that sent the context for this "long obedience in the same direction".
--Categorizing goals in the areas of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
--Importance of habits to goal setting and achieving goals, with specific attention to cornerstone/keystone habits.
--Writing down and reviewing and re-evaluating your goals / perhaps in a journal you write with hand -- like the Leuchtterm 1917 linked below.
--The concept of drift and learning to "defy drift" (something my executive coaching mentor discusses)
--Hindrances that often get in the way of achieving goals.
Link
Rich Roll on overestimating what can be accomplished in a year, and underestimating what can be accomplished over the course of a decade.
Friedrich Nietzsche on a "long obedience in the same direction".
Eugene Peterson -- A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society
Charles Duhigg -- The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
James Clear -- Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones
Drew Sams Instagram post on his word of "outside"
Leuchtterm 1917 journal (I use the lined one / sometimes I use the dotted matrix one as well)
It's hard to know where to begin when describing my friend Marc Payan. Just Google his name and see what comes up.
Marc is a leader everywhere he goes, and like few people I have seen before, he inspires and encourages those around him to life a transformed life. That's the best way I can put it -- though it doesn't even really capture accurately what I want to say about Marc.
So you are going to have to take a listen. And check out his Instagram where he posts a lot of great content and daily stories.
Oh, and did I mention all the amazing work he has done in communities with his Payan X "movement".
Or that he is a Lululemon ambassador who has garnered global attention with his virtual running community during COVID-19.
As you can see, Marc is hard to describe in a few sentences, so I hope you enjoy our conversation covering a lot of topics from leadership, to his quad core principles, to his love of endurance running.
Check out our video interview on YouTube
Part of being human is that we get anxious.
And no human can opt out of experiencing anxiety.
It visits all of us at varying times in our lives, and to varying degrees.
But what if you can reframe anxiety in a way that you see it as a friend, rather than a foe.
What if your anxiety could help you grow?
I explore this and what it means to be anxious. And how we often misinterpret critical passages and understandings on this topic.
Todd Sandel (CEO and Founder of The SouthCity Group) and I discuss the importance of play and rest at home and in organizations.
One of the most important things leaders can do is model from top down the importance of play and rest to their teams.
Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group) and I continue our conversation around leadership during this time of uncertainty due to COVID-19.
In this episode we address leadership drift due to overworking and trying to prove ourselves worthy of adding value.
In my ongoing conversations with Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group), we discuss the difference between personal wellness and productivity. One leads to burnout, while the other can lead to a thriving home and organization.
Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group) and I continue our conversation about leadership during this time of uncertainty.
In today's episode we focus on the habits and routines that help leaders and their organizations thrive during this time. As well as talking about what that looks like in the home. Specifically the importance of tuning in with one another.
In this interview I chat with CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group Todd Sandel about how leaders can navigate this time of uncertainty.
We discuss the metaphor of trimming the sails and how leaders and their teams can identify and prioritize what is most important during this time.
This is critical in organizations and in the home.
Yesterday I posted a short video on the movement from orientation to disorientation to new orientation. I first learned it by this name and paradigm by reading Walter Brueggemann's work, The Message of the Psalms.
The movement itself is as old as humanity, and it is a movement that we all go through in our lives.
Currently we are in a period of global and national and local disorientation -- together -- I hope that we move into a newness when COVID-19 subsides, and that we just don't go back to our old ways. Because disorientation brings about growth.
There is an opportunity for us to be a new kind of people and community.
It's been a long time since I have done a podcast. About a year actually.
I was on a break for awhile, just reading, researching, writing and focusing on other kinds of work. I had nothing new to add to the conversation so thought I would hit pause.
But in light of COVID-19 and how it has caused all of us to look at some things in a new way, it has also really caused a spike in people's mental health struggles...from anxiety to depression, and beyond.
In this episode I wanted to keep it simple and just focus on the four pillars of self-care, which is why I started this podcast about 3 years ago. It is more critical than ever that we are being mindful of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual capacities, as they are often the key to help up regulate our emotional reactivity...allowing us to show up in our not only our own lives...but the lives of those around us (family, friends, neighbors, community) in a way that is life-giving. And we need more than ever to be people that breathe life into those we are around.
In this episode I had the privilege of sitting down with my good friends Jeff and Robin Reinke. Besides being colleagues of mine in a workshop we lead in equipping ministry leaders in a variety of issues impacting the church, we are also co-authors in Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations.
Jeff is the Marriage and Family Pastor at North Coast Calvary Church in Carlsbad, CA, and Robin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Carlsbad, CA. They are an amazing couple with a beautiful story of redemption and hope, and they are passionate about helping others navigate their own life struggles.
In This Episode
Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations
In this episode I discuss the topic of singleness with my colleague Kelly Haer. Kelly is on staff at Pepperdine University in the Boone Center for the Family where she is the Relationship IQ Director.
Kelly is a part of the teaching group that I am a part of that meets with and trains ministry leaders 3-4 times a year on issues that are impacting the church. In our time together we works towards equipping these leaders to more successfully address the issues that they come across in the local church. Singleness happens to be one of those topics that many churches are struggling to address, especially during a period of time where more and more people are not getting married, yet ministry often targets marriage and family.
Kelly addresses this issue at length in our free e-book, Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations. In this e-book, and in this conversation, she discusses the current state of singleness in the United States, its impact in the church, and how Restoration Therapy provides a tool to best address this issue.
Mentioned in the Episode
Kelly Haer
Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations
In this episode I get to sit down with a colleague of mine who I have been getting to know more over the last couple of years in our collaborative work together around Restoration Therapy and ministry leaders.
Robert Scholz is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, consultant and writer, who specializes in helping individuals and families who are struggling with addictions.
I am so glad to have Robert on the podcast, as addictions is something that I come into contact almost everyday in my work, but it's not something that I specialize in. So thankfully I have skilled people like Robert that I can refer to. In this episode we dive into what an addiction is, it's characteristics, and how it is defined. And we explore the impact of addiction on relationships, and more specifically drugs and alcohol, while also touching on the rampant and addictive nature of vaping.
Mentioned in the Episode
Robert Scholz Website
Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations
In this episode I spend some time in conversation with Terry and Sharon Hargrave. Terry is the founder of Restoration Therapy and is the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and Sharon is the Executive Director of the Boone Center for the Family at Pepperdine University, as well as the founder and director of Relate Strong.
I have known this couple for about 8 years, and not only do I consider them close friends, but I am a huge fan of them. Restoration Therapy has changed my life and practice, and my wife and I have also trained together in Relate Strong.
I can not say enough nice things about Terry and Sharon, and the impact they are making upon the world. In this episode we explore some of the early roots of Restoration Therapy and Relate Strong, and why we are bringing this work to ministry leaders in our workshops that we do several times a year.
Mentioned in the Episode
Download your free copy of Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders
Restoration Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer
Relate Strong
"for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19)
In this episode I reflect on the passage found in Genesis 3:19 that is repeated every Ash Wednesday.
It's a beautiful, but harrowing passage that reminds us of just how fragile and short our lives are.
But this reminder, rather than being tragic, is to help us focus on our life on what is important.
We were created from the very dust of the earth (Genesis 2:7). Our first work (vocation) was to work the land (the dust) we were created from, displaying a connection between our identity and the work, service and hobbies we put our lives towards (Genesis 2:15). And yet, often, many things cut us off from this very soil (the dust), and disconnect us not only from our identity, but our Creator as well (Genesis 4:14).
Mentioned in Episode
"The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver
Water from Rock (Check out their Lenten Devotionals)
Henri Nouwen
Ray Anderson
Semana Santa in Antigua, Guatemala
And he said, "Hagar, slave-girl, of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" Genesis 16:8
Where have you come from?
Where are you going?
Perhaps these are two of the most important and fundamental questions we can ask ourselves. I appreciate that Jay Stringer brings to these questions in his phenomenal book, Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing.
It wasn't until I read his book that I realized, these are two of the most fundamental questions I have been asking my whole life...and they are the questions that I am continually asking my clients in my therapy practice.
They often don't take the form of those exact sentences, but they are asked in some form or fashion throughout my work.
And it is these two questions, and this text, that I dive into in this episode.
I hope you enjoy the episode.
And more importantly, I hope you are asking yourself these two questions.
Mentioned in the Episode
Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
The Message of the Psalms by Walter Brueggemann
The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni
This episode is somewhat of a continuation of Episode 115 where I reflected both theologically and psychologically on the biblical text found in Genesis 1-3 (and a little of 4). Those opening chapters have lots of insight and implications for us relationally.
In this episode I want to pick up on some of those themes, especially the idea of self-differentiation, and focus on how Restoration Therapy lends itself nicely to this concept. I think you will find this a helpful episode in understand you and your relationships better.
I had the opportunity this last Monday to record a video on anxiety with another therapist, and one of the pastors at Preston Trail Community Church in Frisco. And then a few hours later, I talked to a group of parents at Legacy Christian Academy in Frisco about anxiety and depression.
It's obvious that anxiety and depression are prevalent issues affecting our culture today. One only has to read the latest headlines, look into the most up to date statistics, or have a conversation with someone you know....everyone seems to struggle with anxiety and depression at some point in their life.
This is an issue I have talked about a lot, and I continue to talk about it, as it's something I am very passionate about. There are lots of angles to approach this topic, but the most important in my mind is that we reframe the conversation around anxiety and depression as one being about shame and something being wrong with someone...to it's something that affects all of us, and we need to be able to bring it out into the open, and talk about how anxiety and depression can be used as an opportunity for growth.
In this episode I dive into what anxiety and depression are, how to reframe it, what tools you can use, and much more.
I hope you find this helpful.
Some of the Things Mentioned in This Episode
Kevin Love on his battle with anxiety
The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?
The Concept of Anxiety
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation
Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: The Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety
Headspace
Don't Panic with Andrew Johnson
Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain
As I mentioned in a previous podcast, I thought I would take some time this year (on occasion) to stop and reflect on my reading of the bible, and how it connects at the intersection of theology and psychology.
So in this episode I want to take some time and just reflect on Genesis 1-4 and some insights that may be helpful for you and your relationships.
Enjoy the episode.
Books Mentioned in this Episode
Creation and Fall: A Theological Exposition of Genesis 1-3 by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
On Being Human: Essays in Theological Anthropology by Ray Anderson
Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness and Reconciliation by Miroslav Volf
It's been about 5 months since my last podcast episode, as I was needing to take a break for a while why I focused on some other goals.
But it's time for a new podcast season, and in this episode I talk about some new topics I am going to explore this season, as well as some new goals that I have been working on, and how I am using a paper journal to help me stay focused and on track. I hope that this episode motivates you in the new year, and gives you some new ideas to accomplish all that you set out to do.
"Love consists in this, that two solitudes, protect and border and salute each other." -- Rainer Maria Rilke
A couple of weeks ago my wife and I returned from a "marriage adventure" on the Inca Trail in Peru. This adventure (through WinShape and Intrepid), led us for four days and 3 nights hiking along the 33 miles to Machu Picchu.
This was an unbelievable experience for my wife and I as we led four other couples on this marriage adventure. But probably one of the most transformative aspects of the trip was the moments (sometimes very long moments -- hours at a time) of silence as I walked along the trail. And what struck me most was the moments of silence between my wife and I. A comfortable silence where neither of us felt the need to talk or crack jokes, or lighten the levity with noise. But instead, it was that silence that drove me closer to God, and closer to her. And it was in that silence that I really grew.
In this episode I reflect on the importance of silence in relationships, which is something that I'm trying to work on and get better at in my own life.
In the episode I mention the wonderful book by Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart: Connecting to God Though Prayer, Wisdom and Silence.
And I also mention the book by Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.
As many of you know from listening to my podcasts, or reading my blog over the years, is I'm pretty obsessed with the novels of Susan Howatch. Particularly her Starbridge Series of which I'm about to finish my 9th reading of the series in the last 15 years. It's that impactful and transforming in my life.
But I talk about one book in particular in this podcast episode (Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch), and more specifically about one verse. The verse is Romans 8:28. The NIV translation is as follows:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
The Scottish theologian William Barclay translated the verse the following way:
“God intermingles all things for good for those who love Him.”
(Romans 8:28, translated by William Barclay)
I'm particularly drawn to this translation of the Greek text, especially as it tends to communicate that God takes all the bad and good, all the light and dark, all the negative and positive, and mingles them together. God weaves them together for good. God doesn't necessarily remove all the dark, but in mingling them together creates a beautiful tapestry of our lives that contain both the light and the dark. The implication of the translation has very different trajectory and understanding for one's life, than another translation.
With this in mind, I reflect in this episode on this translation.
In the episode I also talk about an article my dad wrote called Our Intermingling God, which I find particularly insightful for what is being discussed in this episode.
"I'd like to know more, of course, but I've accepted that there's nothing more he has to say; I've accepted that there's a limit on our knowledge of even those who are closest to us. The older one gets the more one realises how saturated life is in mystery, and the biggest mystery of all, it often seems to me, is the mystery of the human personality." -- Lyle Ashworth
Scandalous Risks by Susan Howatch
In this episode I explore the mystery that are people, and how it's not really until we create a safe space for others, become curious about them, and acknowledge that not all is to be known about ourselves and others, can we truly live in grace with one another.
Mentioned in the Episode
Lost
Susan Howatch
Starbridge Series
Glittering Images
Glamorous Powers
Ultimate Prizes
Scandalous Risks
Mystical Paths
Absolute Truths
Dallas Willard
Renovation of the Heart
Jean Marie Rilke
Letters to a Young Poet
Kalil Gibran
The Prophet
One of the things that happens at the beginning of every year, or at the start of a major transition, is that you see people setting goals. If you were like me you probably thought about all the goals you wanted to achieve in the New Year, and you might have even taken the time to write them down. But if you are also like me, it's possible that you have declared goals in the past, but never quite saw them to completion.
I count it a privilege that I get to spend about 1200 hours a year in session with people because I get to learn all kinds of helpful tools and tips from them. Though they are coming to get help from me (and I hope they find it helpful), I too am learning from them.
So in this episode I want to share with you 8 principles that I have found to be helpful in setting and completing goals. These are principles I've gleaned from reading, and from clients and colleagues and friends, and most importantly, they are principles I have put into action and had success with in my own life.
So in this episode I share with you these 8 important principles when it comes to goal setting:
- Focus on a limited number of goals (ex. 1-4 goals).
- Allow goals to build sequentially over time, or have "baby steps" built into them.
- Be very specific. (i.e. not I want to be fit, but rather, I will run this specific 5K).
- Attach goal to a bigger purpose/vision (i.e. I want to be able to keep up with my kids, etc.)
- Create accountability.
- Write the goals down
- Re-Evaluate the goals along the way (i.e. have a check-in process)
- Celebrate the accomplishing or achievement of the goal.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni
Palo Duro Trail Run
Charity Water
Scott Harrison interview on the Rich Roll Podcast
The new near can bring forth a lot of varying emotions from people. In my experience, a large number of people come into the new year very excited about change and all the potential possibilities that await them. It's often a time to start anew. But there is also a large number of people who come into the new year with a lot of fears about what awaits them, perhaps because the prior year was so challenging. And when I think about these varying experiences I think about anxiety. Anxiety is both an excitement about something new and that we care about, but it can also be about things that create fear for us. Anxiety can be healthy or unhealthy as I have written about and said many times before.
In this episode I want to explore some principles and strategies that you can implement for yourself, or help others with this year. So if you work with a group of people this could be very helpful for you. And to do this, I primarily "piggyback" off a recent article I wrote for the Fuller Youth Institute called Helping Adolescents Work Through the Rising Tide of Anxiety.
In the article and in this podcast I explore:
- Create space and give permission to talk about anxiety.
- Help identify the roots of anxiety.
- Provide tools to help manage the anxiety.
- Reframe anxiety as an opportunity to grow.
- Practice working through the anxiety.
Resources Mentioned in This Podcast
Helping Adolescents Work Through the Rising Tide of Anxiety
Downloadable PDF of the Pain Cycle (i.e. feelings/emotions)
Feeling Word Vocabulary (Think 2 Perform)
Often when I'm working with someone in session I try to think of visual and tangible ways that they can remember some of the things that we are processing together. And what I have noticed a lot about relational interactions is that there tends to be this movement that I have found to be helpful for people.
This movement goes something like this: a) Ask for what you need/want/desire; b) But then let go of expectations of what you just asked for; c) And then hold on to yourself. Basically the posture is about opening yourself up to be vulnerable in relationships to communicate what you desire, while at the same time not demanding or holding your spouse to that request. And as you do that, learning to emotionally regulate yourself ("hold on").
People who are able to do this in their relationships tend to have very healthy and successful relationships in my opinion.
So in this episode I talk explore what it means to:
- ask for what you want/need/desire
- let go of those expectations
- hold on to yourself
As many of you know, I love to run. And over the last 3-4 years I have been getting more and more into trail running, as well into ultrarunning (which is technically anything over 26.2 miles). And about a month ago I finished my second ever 50K race, and my second race ever at the Palo Duro Trail Run. My first 50K was the Cowtown Ultra, and a year after that I ran my first race in Palo Duro which was a 50 miler. This time I decided to dial back a bit in terms of race mileage for several reasons...but primarily so I would finish earlier in the day and have more time to hang out with my family, since camping is a big part of this trip.
And like any long race I've done, I usually learn some amazing life lessons that help me grow as a person. And often these life lessons I am able to apply into my counseling practice with others, and help them grow as well. In this episode I talk about:
- The importance of preparation and training and practice for any goals we are trying to achieve. And how all of our practice over time helps us gain insights that help us continue to refine the preparation phases.
- The reality of setbacks in our preparation as we try and achieve goals, and what you can do when you come upon a setback, which in my experience, we all inevitably do.
- The importance of having a good "team" around you (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc.)
- The importance of "waiting things out" when you hit a setback. We all have to persevere, and sometimes it's just about "waiting things out."
- Why setting your goals in the context of a larger narrative (i.e. bigger picture), as well as the importance of enjoying the pursuit of your goals.
Links Mentioned in the Episode
Palo Duro Trail Run
Over the last several years my wife and I have begun a new journey in our life. That journey has involved a couple of elements: 1) Trying to incorporate more adventure into our marriage (i.e. trips, taking on challenges, etc.); 2) Working on ways to partner together in marriage. And last month we took another step closer in combining these two elements when we went away for a few days to WinShape Marriage to be trained as a leaders to lead their marriage adventures.
What is a marriage adventure? Imagine sailing on a catamaran in the BVI's for 8 days with 3 other couples, why you work on your marriage with daily activities and conversations, all while taking on daily adventures. This was something my wife and I were invited to participate in 3 years ago, and it was an experience that changed our life.
Or imagine leading couples through Machu Picchu in Peru, or leading couples on a contemplative pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago in Spain, or working with other couples in orphanges in Guatemala?
Well today's guest is the one who oversees WinShape Marriage and all their adventures, and I was excited to have him on to talk about why the element of adventure is so important in marriages. Also, Matt has taken quite the trajectory to get to where he is today, working in some of the most paradigm shifting organizations in the field of marriage.
In this episode we discuss:
- his love for combining psychology and theology and its integration into marriage work.
- his work with Gary Smalley and marriage intensives.
- his time at Prepare and Enrich and what he learned about marriages.
- he and his family selling everything and moving to Peru for two years.
- his experience of doing a personal intensives at OnSite and how that changed his life.
- his current work at Winshape Marriage.
- what are the keys to a successful marriage.
- how you and your spouse can get involved with WinShape Marriage.
Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast
Gary Smalley
Prepare and Enrich
Todd Sandel
The Hideaway Experience
OnSite
WinShape Marriage
One of the reasons many couples can't solve conflict in their relationship is because they often get stuck thinking that their argument is really about the topic at hand (i.e. money, sex, parenting, work, inlaws, etc.). And as long as they believe that, then they will stay perpetually stuck. What I've learned in my experience as a therapist is that the problem isn't about the topic, but rather the problem is the negative pattern of interaction that the couple has created over time in their relationship as they try to work through problems.
I'm obviously not the first to come to this conclusion, but this point has become more clear to me day by day in my work. I think that many of us counselors are guilty of sometimes just focusing on better communication techniques (which are super important), rather than helping a couple understand their underlying destructive pattern of interaction. My work in Restoration Therapy really helped me understand how guilty I was of this, and it helped provide me with a new framework to use in relationships with the Pain and Peace Cycle which I have talked about in many podcast episodes.
When a couple can become aware of and understand their destructive pattern of interaction (their Pain Cycle), and they can construct and practice a new positive pattern of interaction (their Peace Cycle), then they are ultimately able to create a safe connection, which will lead to the solving of issues if that was their primary goal (because sometimes the goal is just to connect).
People and Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Terry Hargrave and Restoration Therapy
This is a very short podcast episode, but it's a really important one.
One of the most important tasks I have in the counseling room is to help people to discern between what their feelings and coping behaviors are. In fact, I spend a lot of time helping people understand their feelings, and what coping behaviors they often lead to. When a person understands this level of awareness, they are often able to do deeper work and gain not only the insight they desired, but achieve the transformational change they were seeking.
But one of the things I started to learn during my training under Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy, is that not only the feelings that I thought were feelings....were really feelings. For example, I always classified anxiety and anger and depression for example as feelings. You would find me saying things like "I'm feeling really anxious right now", or "I woke up feeling depressed today." And people I work with in my office would often say the same thing.
Terry Hargrave helped me really begin to understand that those things that I thought were feelings, were really coping behaviors. For example, I wasn't feeling anxious, I was becoming anxious (I was doing anxiety if you will), because underneath the surface I was feeling inadequate.
Now if someone comes into my office saying they feel anxious, or feel angry, or feel depressed for example, I will run with that for the time being as I'm trying to understand them. But my work as a therapist (especially if I'm going to be a therapist who can help them), is to really help them distinguish between feeling and action. I don't want to get caught chasing what I think is a feeling, and is really a coping behavior. Then I end up just focused on the behavior and trying to provide more tools for someone to work on that behavior. Instead, what I want to do is address the core underlying feelings of that behavior. When I can help someone do that, then I'm that much closer to really helping them get on the pathway to healing.
There are other coping behaviors often disguised as feelings, but I see anxiety and anger and depression come up the most.
So in this episode I took a little bit of time to talk about this, and why I think it's an important distinction. <
People and Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave
I talk a lot about anxiety on this podcast. And sometimes anxiety can seem vague or too theoretical, unless one really has experienced. And even then, just talking about it can seem like an intellectual exercise.
But today I had a personal experience that really makes concrete what I mean when I talk about a good anxiety...the kind that is there in the midst of peace, and just reminds you of the quality of your relationships. In that case, that anxiety I believe is a gift...it's a reminder of what you have.
In this episode I share my experience of dropping my wife off at the Dallas Ft. Worth airport as she was flying to Rwanda. So check out this episode as I share about the anxiety that I experienced as I dropped her off and why I cherish it.
I have recently been thinking a lot about the intertwining of vocation and anxiety. What I mean by that is that it seems that part of the journey towards finding vocation is that anxiety is often along for the journey.
In my writing and speaking on anxiety, and in my work with clients, I talk a lot about listening to the voice of anxiety. I believe that anxiety speaks to our life and if we listen to it, it can help guide us along our life's journey. The problem is that we live in a culture that wants to bury and numb out anxiety as much as possible. And when we drown out anxiety, we can't hear how it is informing our life.
But there's also this other voice, and that is of vocation. Parker Palmer in his wonderful book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, talks about the Latin root of vocation, which is voce. It's literally a voice that is summoning you towards it.
And in this episode I want to explore how these two voices interact with each other and why that is important. I discuss:
- the voice of anxiety
- the voice of vocation
- how these two voices interact with each other
- the importance of discernment in distinguishing the voices and how they are guiding you.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer
The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith
One of the most prevalent topics that I come across in my counseling and when I'm speaking, is the topic of technology and relationships. Specifically, the technology of the smart phone/iPad/computer...but usually the smart phone. And along with this technology there is typically a conversation around the online tools that are used with it...mostly, social media (i.e. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc.). And the reason these topics come up so often is because so many people find themselves with an unhealthy relationship to their technological devices which often impact their relationships. I spend a lot of time helping couples navigate their technological devices and how it's impacted their relationships, and talking through how to put proper boundaries on it. But one area of life that I think can be the most challenging for people is trying to know how to parent kids in an age of the smart phone and social media. Not a week passes where I'm not working with a teenager who is struggling with pornography (and it's not just boys who are dealing with this), or a teenager who has sexted or shared some nude image via text to a person or a group of people. This is a huge issue and I think most parents believe this will never be a challenge they have to face...and then inevitably they are sitting across from me in my office with this challenge.
I really feel for not only parents, but kids growing up in a world with instant access to not only some amazing things, but some of the darkest things on the internet. And so knowing how to parent in these times can be confusing and overwhelming.
I have spent the last 22 years working with kids and their families in both the church and clinical setting, and from about 2003-2013 I would often do workshops and seminars, and speak at conferences on the role of technology in our lives. In fact, my first time to have something published in a book was in 2008 when I wrote a chapter on Facebook and Youth Ministry for the book, The New Media Frontier: Blogging, Vlogging, and Podcasting for Christ. But probably my deepest understanding of the role of technology in our lives came when I met my good friend John Dyer. John is one of the most brilliant thinkers I know on technology, and especially from a theological/psychological/philosophical perspective, and we had the opportunity to team up and do some workshops together. So I owe a great debt to him, and you will hear about that in this episode. In this episode:
- I discuss how technology is neutral (neither good nor bad), but how it shapes us regardless of it's use.
- I discuss how to think through how technology will impact you when you bring it into your house (i.e. giving your kid a smart phone, using social media, etc.)
- I discuss the various ways parents have tried to parent when it comes to technology.
- I discuss the various tools parents have used in parenting with regard to technology.
- I discuss what some potential steps might look like when you are thinking about allowing your kids to have a technological device (i.e. smart phone, iPad, computer), and to use social media.
Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode
John Dyer
Adam McClane
From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology by John Dyer
A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media by Adam McClane
It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by Danah Boyd
Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World by Art Bamford and Kara Powell
Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World by Chap Clark HURT: Inside the World of Today's Teenagers by Chap Clark
Covenant Eyes Safe Eyes (no longer available)
Life360
Open DNS
You can also check out Episode 24 of my podcast where I talk about, How Technology Shapes Us, Informs our Identity, and Some Boundaries We Can Implement As We Use It (also check out all the links in the show notes)
Wow! I can't believe I am already at Episode 100. I published my first episode back on March 24, 2015, with the goal of trying to get at least one episode published per week. With that in mind I was hoping to hit 100 episodes right around the two year mark, if not before. But, things don't always go as planned, and two years and five months later we come to 100.
I set out doing this podcast, not really knowing what I was doing, or where I was going to go with it. And it probably took me a good 55 episodes or so before I began to even feel like I was finding my voice.
So in this episode I talk about that journey we all take where we are trying to listen closely to what our next steps our. The Latin word for vocation literally means voice. That is, there is a voice that calls us, guides us, directs us..it speaks deeply to us and compels us towards our vocation, whether it be professionally, or a service, or a hobby. But it can be hard sometimes to hear that voice, and we often find ourselves waiting around, fearful to take the next steps unless they are clearly laid out for us. But what I am finding is that the most valuable things in life are rarely clearly laid out for us. Instead, we often take a step because we feel called to do so, and we wait to we are called to take the next step. It's that little (or maybe sometimes booming voice) that speaks to us and leads us, if we listen.
In this episode I explore some ways to listen more carefully to this vocation...this voice in our lives:
- I discuss in this episode the role of journaling and reflecting upon the journaling as a tool to better listen for vocation.
- I discuss in this episode the role of inviting others in and asking them to help give you feedback towards vocation.
- I discuss in this episode the role of experimenting, and just taking next steps that are unknown.
- And last, I discuss in this episode the role of silence as a way to create space to listen for vocation.
Resources Mentioned in Episode
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer
Sometimes I have thoughts that I have been processing and I just want to explore out loud with others. In this case, the others is you. So in this episode I explore what it looks like to wrestle with taking the next step in your life, and how you discern what the next step is. Though this could be the case for many things, I mainly look at the next step in terms of work, vocation, hobby, etc, rather than relationships for example.
In my counseling practice in Plano, TX I work with a lot of individuals and couples and families who are trying to do this very thing...explore their next steps. So in this episode I lay out a tentative, in the process...working framework of:
- exploration/experimenting
- committing and refining
- doing the work/putting in the hours/mastering the craft
- letting go
- and being open
Check out this episode and let me know what you think.
A couple of weeks ago, my colleagues and I at Thriiive Practices did a lecture for the Meadow's lecture series on emotional regulation.
What is emotional regulation? It's essentially one's ability to control or manage their automatic, reactive responses to an emotional trigger, and instead, respond accordingly (and in a healthy manner). That is my definition of sorts, though I say it a lot of different ways. My mentor Terry Hargrave in my training for Restoration Therapy said at one point to our training group, "emotional regulation is the name of the game." And it is. As you look at the mounting research on the brain, especially through fMRI scans and other data, we find that one's ability to emotionally regulate themselves is the key to healthy relationships. If you want a more thorough definition, read this.
Or if you want a really good, but simple understanding of it, check out Dan Siegel's demonstration of his strategy of name it to tame it. I've also written about this strategy here.
In this episode I talk about what emotional regulation is and why it's so important.
Resources Mentioned in Episode
Terry Hargrave
Restoration Therapy
Dan Siegel
Tina Payne Bryson
The Whole Brain Child
I read a lot of books, but I don't consider myself the best book reviewer. Even though I read with pen in hand and underline and take notes throughout my books, I'm not great at writing about the details. But what sticks out to me are those big ideas in a book...the ones that you can't stop thinking about. The ones that cause paradigm shifts within. Those I obsessively think about, and figure out ways to practice them in my own personal life, and in the work of my clients in my therapy practice.
Over the last two years, four books have stood out in my mind like no other because of some lasting ideas that have created big change for me. Some of these books are fairly new (like this year) and others are a few years old. But their thoughts are ones that I have been writing and speaking about a lot the last 18 months. And I have found ways to implement the ideas into multiple areas of my life (parenting, marriage, running, therapy practice, etc.).
So I want to mention these 4 books to you and the big ideas that are sticking in my brain and impacting my life. And then I will also mention two other books that have stuck with me, but if you have to read only 4...then I'm sticking with the original four I'm discussing.
Book 1: Grit: The Power and Passion of Perseverance by Angela Duckworth --This book was absolutely amazing. But there is one thing I keep coming back to time and time again. In the book Duckworth talks about the importance of deliberate practice and flow. The takeaway for me is that we can never reach a flow state, or become great at what we do unless we deliberately practice over and over and over again. This has absolutely changed how I work with clients. Even though I always gave them things to practice, I'm now convinced more than ever that change doesn't occur without this practice. Michael Jordan doesn't reach that flow state in a playoff game unless he deliberately practied 10,000's of hours. Michael Phelps never reaches that flow state unless he swam lap after lap after lap, and visualized himself swimming every stroke of a race before racing. Couples don't change negative patterns of behavior (pain cycle) and create new ones (peace cycle) without deliberate practice. But when they do, the flow is beautiful to watch in a relationship. She writes, "First, deliberate practice is a behavior, and flow is an experience."
Book 2: Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown --This book was also amazing. I had already been listening to The Minimalists podcast and been exploring this idea. I have always been attracted to minimalism and it's aesthetic, but he takes the understanding of essentialism and brings it into real practical, real world examples that I could employ. A lot of things stood out to me, but I loved this quote, "Remember that if you don't prioritize your life someone else will.” I started realizing that if I didn't take control of my life and prioritize what was important, I would never accomplish the big goals in my life. And prioritizing helped me really come back to the essentials and what I wanted to do in my marriage, parenting and work.
Book 3: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport --I only read this book back in March or so, but it has already changed a lot of how I work and how I think about work. His recommended experiments with social media abstinence already produced higher levels of focus and output in my life, and it has helped increase my enjoyment in life and my connection with other people. Newport makes a compelling case for the future of work will be dependent on those who are able to stay focused, cut out distractions and work at a very deep level. Those who can't do this will find it ever increasingly hard to find work. He writes, “If you don’t produce, you won’t thrive—no matter how skilled or talented you are.” Newport also gets a lot into the brain science behind distraction and deep work, and it resonates deeply with the work I do with Restoration Therapy. This is just one of those books you read and you keep saying "wow....wow", and it lead to a a lot of conviction that created healthy change.
Book 4: Peak Performance: Elevate Your Game, Avoid Burnout, and Thrive with the New Science of Success by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness --I just finished this book in June while on vacation. What I loved about this book the most is that I felt it was a culmination of the three books above, but they take it a step further. They get into the importance of deliberate practice and flow, and they talk about why it's important to become an essentialist, and they talk about the brain science...but then they put it all into a real practical framework that you can start practicing yourself. Their chapter and tool to help you develop a personal purpose statement is worth the book alone. This book just brought everything home to me in a very powerful way. I highly recommend this book.
The corresponding themes that these books contain, and what resonates so powerfully for me in my own life and my therapeutic work is this:
- they all get the importance of the newest brain science and how emotional regulation is everything. In my work, a client or couple who can't emotionally self-regulate won't be able to create change.
- they all get the importance of essentialism, and minimalizing your life in order to really focus on what is important.
- they all get the importance of working at a deep level, void of distraction.
- they all get the importance of deliberate practice and how that leads to flow.
- they all get the importance of purpose.
And all these things are crucial in counseling and therapy, and in creating change and getting to transformation.
I talk about two other books in this podcast episode as well, but I don't write about above are:
The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable? About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni. I read this book back in 2010 and have written and talked about it extensively, and even recorded a podcast episode on it last year. I love the book, but I feel that the purpose stuff in Peak Performance is easier for people to complete than in this book. But I love this book and highly recommend.
Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why? by Laurence Gonzalez. This is a great book filled with stories of survival and tragedy. Gonzalez dives in real deep to how our brain works in survival/panic/conflict situations, and why the ability to remain calm (emotionally regulate) means everything often to who survives. This book just reiterated even more the work of emotional self-regulation in therapy work, but is attached in the context of wilderness stories. It's a great read.
One of the things that I hear as a counselor a lot, typically near the end of an intake session with a client, is the question, "How is this going to look?" The question can be asked in a variety of ways, but what is implicit is usually either some form of anxiety over the next steps, or just a general curiosity about what people are signing up for when they enter into counseling.
Counseling can vary greatly from counselor to counselor, and with that, there can be a variety of varied expectations then that people going through counseling have. Some people have been to a lot of counseling and all their experiences are different, while some people have still not been to counseling, and wonder what that experience will look like.
Something I have tried to do a lot more in the last 4-5 years of my private practice is properly set expectations with clients when they come into see me for the first time. Whether they ask the question first, or I initiate the conversation, I usually try to walk clients through a general "roadmap" or "pathway" of what counseling might look like. I let them know that things can always change, and this is only a first session, but here is what I think will work best based on what you are telling me, the goals you have, and the experience that I bring to our sessions. I also always follow up with every client via email after the first session (usually within a few hours, but rarely longer than 24 hours later). In that email I talk about our first session, what I heard, the goals that I think they have, the issues we could explore together. And in that email I lay out a big overview of the counseling process, listing the significant pieces, as well as narrowing down on the next steps. And I usually always attach some type of "hoomework" in that initial email so that client's can begin engaging in the process.
Based on all my experience as a therapist both pastorally and clinically, as well as my experience in training and sitting across from a therapist in my own counseling, here is what I find to be most helpful in terms of a "roadmap" for counseling. Now of course, I hope to continue to grow and learn as a therapist, so these thoughts are only a point in time, but I think most of the framework will always exist for me, with tweaks along the way.
First, I think it's important that the therapist helps the client engage in some type of work in and out of session that involves the work of insight, which is simply, the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. This type of work can be done in a lot of ways, but for me it usually involves work around one's family of origin issues (i.e. family genogram, etc.), as well as walking through someone's personal stories and experience.
Second, I do the work of helping a person take that insight, and I help them identify and create their Pain Cycle. This Pain Cycle is often referred to by other names, but in the work I do with Restoration Therapy, that is what it is called. It's essentially the process of helping one identify their negative pattern of behavior by helping them locate their core feelings and the coping behaviors that flow from them. This is often us in our most primal, reactive state. When you think of fight or flight, and the amygdala getting triggered, this is the pattern that comes up. Though not all of our reactive states are negative, a lot of them are in relational conflict, which is what I work a lot with both in my work with individuals and couples. If I frame it from a faith perspective, this is the old self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:22.
Third, I do the work of helping a person take their insight, and I help them identify and create their Peace Cycle. The Peace Cycle is also referred to by other names in other theories, but in Restoration Therapy this is what we refer to it as. The Peace Cycle is ourselves when we are emotionally regulated. Think about what you are like when you are living in your truth, or think of yourself in a centered and grounded state. When you are in this place, what actions flow from that. This is you in your Peace Cycle. Again, if I frame this in a faith perspective, this is the new self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:23. The Pain and Peace Cycle is part of the work of insight, and the Peace Cycle is the step that helps up a person move from emotional dysregulation to emotional regulation.
Fourth, as we are doing the work of insight and the Pain and Peace Cycle (because though I'm laying things out in a linear fashion...therapy, or growth itself is not always linear. I find that all these steps are engaged consecutively in the therapeutic process), I help clients find ways to practice the insight that they have. What I believe is that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't practice it in some way, you don't change. You don't get transformation. In the Restoration Therapy model I use the 4 steps to help clients practice: 1) Say what you feel; 2) Say what you normally do; 3) Say your truth; 4) Say what you will do differently (your action) and do it. This is one way that I help clients practice. I literally map out their Pain and Peace Cycle on my whiteboard in almost every session to some degree. I also draw up their cycles and steps on a large poster sheet that I ask them to take home and hang up in their closet so that they see it everyday and start to not only become more aware of it, but practice it. There are lots of other ways to have people practice insight from a variety of tools to experimental exercises. Regardless of what tools I give them to practice, I believe practice is essential.
Fifth, we come to transformation. I believe transformation is the culmination of taking one's insight and putting it into practice. And though we could think of transformation as the ultimate goal, it's really just the beginning. Once someone experiences transformation in one area of their life, then they often become excited to seek transformation in other areas of their life as well. So if there is a visual roadmap I give to clients and that I work from...in short it is something like this.
Insight + Pain Cycle + Peace Cycle + Practice = Transformation.
There are lot of details and nuances in these steps, but this is what I have found to be most helpful. So if you come work with me in my private practice in Plano, Texas, you will most likely hear me talk about something like this.
Whether you come in for marriage counseling or individual counseling around anxiety and depression, I will probably lay out some roadmap for you that looks like this.
Check out this podcast to find out more about this process. In this episode I discuss:
- the importance of a therapeutic roadmap
- the work of insight in therapy
- the Pain Cycle work in therapy
- the Peace Cycle work in therapy
- the work of practice in therapy
- transformation in therapy
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
This past May I had the opportunity to speak at Pepperdine University for the annual Bible Lecture's series. It's primarily a gathering of a combo of lay and professional ministry leaders, and as this event I was able to talk to them about one of my favorite topics...anxiety.
Anxiety is a huge issue both in and out of the church, and in fact, Walter Brueggemann has stated that it's the primary pathology in our culture that church leaders must deal with (see the excerpt starting at the 41:50 minute mark); I also believe anxiety to be one of the primary issues that our culture struggles with, and it can especially become toxic in a church culture where an extra stigma is attached to it.
In this lecture I walked the audience through several main points to better help them not only understand anxiety, but how to help them reframe it in a positive light, and what tools they can use, and steps they can take, to work with people who have anxiety. In this lecture I:
- help them identify the importance of what everyone's anxiety story is and how that informs not only how they handle anxiety, but how they perceive it and work through it.
- help them define what anxiety is and is not.
- help them define how to best understand anxiety.
- help them with the key ways to work through anxiety.
- help them normalize anxiety.
- help them reframe it as God at work in their lives, and as a friend, not a foe.
- help them understand how violations of love and trust inform anxiety.
- help them with tools to work with anxiety.
If you are someone who has struggled with anxiety yourself, or know someone who does, and you want to be of help...then check out this episode.
Resources and Tools Mentioned in this Episode
The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin by Soren Kierkegaard
Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.
The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich
Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Troy Dufrene
Bill Mounce's Exegesis of the New Testament word Merimnao (anxiety)
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Basel van der Kolk
Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfizer
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May
The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith
Existential Psychotherapy by Irving D. Yalom Failure of Nerve: Anxiety in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman
Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to share with the ReEngage Ministry at Hope Fellowship the topic of forgiveness. It's such an important topic not only in all of our lives, but especially in the context of marriage where one's ability to forgive becomes an essential practice. In fact, forgiveness is the only topic that ReEngage covers on two different weeks.
In going into this talk I wanted to do something different on the topic of forgiveness. I have given other forgiveness talks in the past, but I know that when it comes to speaking to an audience they are probably more likely to remember the talk if it is embedded in an image and a story. So to do this, I reflected on Rembrandt's famous painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son. I did this by reflecting on the story of the prodigal son in the gospel of Luke 15:11-32, and by looking at Henri Nouwen's famous book on the topic, The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming.
In this podcast I reflect on:
- 3 postures on the journey of forgiveness that I believe are reflected in the text and painting.
- seeking forgiveness
- withholding forgiveness
- offering forgiveness
- the varying ways that Rembrandt captures the story of the prodigal son in his painting.
Resources Mentioned in the Episodes
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen
Luke 15:11-32
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of employees for Marriott Hotels here in the local Dallas area. It was a great opportunity to help others understand how to have healthy relationships in and out of the work place by beginning to take care of themselves.
So in this podcast episode I share what I shared with them:
- helping them understand how they are part of a larger system in which they are an emotional unit of.
- helping them understand that we are all "wired" from our early experiences, especially in our family of origin. I talked about our "wiring" around Love and Trust from the work of Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy.
- helping them how they are specifically "wired", by helping them identify their violations of love and trust and connecting their feelings to their coping.
- helping them to understand what self-care is, and how the practice of it can help them better emotionally self-regulate, therefore, helping them have a better relationship with themselves, and those in and out of the workplace.
- and ultimately I gave them some practice steps to take home with them.
Link to Episode 93
Resources Mentioned in Episode 93
Restoration Therapy
Violations of Love and Trust
Self-Care and Relationships
I have shared in previous episodes that the journey through Lent has been one of the most helpful things I have done for my faith. And as we finished Lent this last week, culminating in Easter yesterday, I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the next steps.
As we work on embracing and experiencing the resurrected and new life that Easter represents, what are our next steps?
One of the things I have been thinking about is how do we enter into this new season with open hands, full of expectation about receiving. The reality is that we often enter into a new season with fists clenched, holding on tightly to things in our lives....security, comfort, power, possessions, etc.
And I am reminded that after Jesus appears post-resurrection in the gospel of John, chapter 21, there is this beautiful and powerful scene picking up in vs. 18. Jesus is reinstating Peter and basically communicates to him that he (Peter) used to have the freedom and power to do what he wanted to do, but a time is coming when he will be led where he doesn't want to go.
That passage is a reminder to me that we often go through life dictating life by our own terms, and Lent and Easter is a reminder that the way forward is a way of letting go, and being led to places we wouldn't normally go. In that process we let go of power and control and a million other things.
If I'm honest with myself, I have probably only really intentionally prayed this prayer a couple of times in my life because it's a scary prayer, and the results though helpful in terms of my growth and relationships, haven't come about without pain.
So I'm hesitant to let to and open up my hands to receive what may be next.
I encourage you to think about this in your own life.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen
We live in a culture that continually inundates us with noise. That noise comes in all kinds of forms. Advertising, entertainment, technology, etc. Sometimes we are passive observers of it as we have little control over what billboards are placed in front of us as we drive down the road. Other times we are active consumers, spending inordinate amount of times on our phones playing games and engaging on social media. Regardless, the reality is that we live in a noisy culture.
And living in a noisy culture gives many of us little time to reflect about our inner lives. Some of us may like it that way, choosing to bury and keep buries painful feelings and events. While others like to try and reflect, but find it a constant challenge.
I think one of the beautiful things about Lent is that it gives us an intentionally created space where we can be in silence. There is a period of time on the calendar where we can engage in practices that foster our inner life...Lent allows us to do this.
If we are to become healthy people, who grow from our experiences, we have to be able to create space to allow the things in our lives that are buried to find the light of day. Silence allows those things to be stirred up and come towards the surface. And if we can pay attention to these things, then we can learn more about who we are, strengths and weaknesses, and become people who can grow in the process.
In this episode I reflect on the importance of this silence and some practical tips to make it happen.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Making All Things New: An Invitation to the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen
This week's episode is somewhat of a continuation of Episode 89 where I reflected on the role of Lent in helping us process pain and suffering, and as a time to work through trauma. That is, Lent is a period of remembering that is important for us if we are to work through our suffering.
In this week's episode I discuss some ways that communities can create a safe space during Lent to process pain and suffering. In this episode I discuss:
- Making it safe to discuss the hard issues such as death, suicide, anxiety, depression, loss, etc.
- The importance of not giving easy answers (if any at all) to people's pain and suffering.
- Learning to sit in in one's pain, in silence, together.
- The role of rituals and symbolism in the healing process.
- The boundary between bearing other's burdens, but also giving them the space to work through their own "stuff."
Link to Episode 90
I have been thinking a lot about the Lent season, which is appropriate since Ash Wednesday was yesterday. Here is what I posted on Facebook last night:
Over the next 40+ days I am going to take some time to reflect on some of the things I am exploring around Lent, trauma and remembering. I hope you will join me on this journey.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Lent
This last weekend I led a class on fostering intimacy in marriage to a group of premarital couples. I love doing this work, but intimacy can be a complicated issue. When we think of intimacy in our culture we often think of sex, or at least physical intimacy to say the least.
But the reality is there are varying kinds of intimacy that are important that a couple take an intentional stance on fostering in their relationship if it is going to be healthy.
So in this episode:
- I explore the theological underpinnings of intimacy that we see set out in the beginning of the book of Genesis in the bible.
- I explore the varying kinds of intimacy that make for a healthy relationship.
- I discuss the keys to fostering these kinds of intimacy.
- I give several "exercises" that one can practice at home to foster intimacy in their relationship.
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
As for Me and My House: Crafting Your Marriage to Last by Walter Wangerin
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
I have been wanting to talk on the topic of grief and loss for quite a while. I was going to wait to do an episode with my father since that has been a big part of his professional life as a pastor and hospice chaplain. But in light of some recent events in our local community the last week, I thought I would go ahead and post some thoughts on this topic.
This is a topic near to my heart as I have had to spend a large part of my life working through grief over the death of my mom when I was 11 years old. And in my experience unresolved, or should I say, grief that hasn't been processed (because what is resolved grief anyways) can come back to create problems in other areas of our life.
In this episode:
- I share my own story of grief and loss due to my mom's death at the hands of breast cancer.
- I share some quotes from C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, and how it was a campus pastor giving me that book that spurred me on my journey of working through my grief.
- I share some practical steps one can take to work through grief.
- I share some books that have been helpful in my own journey and the journey of others on the topic of grief.
Resources Mentioned in Episode
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff
A Letter of Consolation by Henri Nouwen
Center for Loss and Life Transition
Dr. Alan Wolfelt
If I had to take a guess, I would guess that at least 50-60% of every couple that I work with is in my office because of an affair. Affairs come in varied forms from the physical to the emotional and everything in between. And affairs don't discriminate based on gender, race, or age. In fact, it's often the person or couple that you expect least likely to have to deal with an affair, is the couple dealing with the affair.
My experience is that most everyone goes into marriage with the intention to stay faithful in the relationship, so it will often come to a surprise to a spouse, or the couple's friends when words gets out that an affair has taken place.
In this episode I share my experience in working with couples as they navigate the affair recovery process. And because one of my specialties is marriage counseling, it's not surprising then that a lot of the couples I work with are dealing with affairs.
I think there are some general principles as one begins to work to recover and heal from an affair, but the process can often be chaotic, and each couple needs different things. So in this episode I try and distill some of the most common steps I take with couples.
In this episode you will:
- learn about the importance of creating stability in the relationship to begin the work of affair recovery.
- learn about the importance of addressing the affair, rather than sweeping it under the rug.
- learn about the process of salvage and restoration in the forgiveness process.
- hear examples of how this work is done.
- learn about a few book resources to help you on this journey.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
NOT 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jane Coppock Staeheli
Beyond Ordinary: When A Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough by Justin and Trish Davis
One of the things that I have come to believe through my work with clients, and through my own personal work, is that insight alone is usually not enough to create change. That insight has to be coupled with practice, and lots of it to create the change, and ultimately the transformation we desire. We could also say the same if we flipped it in reverse. Practice alone, without any insight, will also not create change.
I have been greatly influenced by this idea through a couple of key writings. One is the work of my mentor and friend Dr. Terry Hargrave out of Fuller Theological Seminary, his book Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy, along with my training with him, has been transformative in my life. His model of the Pain and Peace Cycle, alone with four very practical steps has been a game changer in my life and the life of many.
I have also really been influenced by the work of Angela Duckworth, and more specifically, her book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. In her book she delineates between deliberate practice and flow, and talks about how flow comes out of deliberate practice.
What I have experienced through the Restoration Therapy model is that the more individuals, couples, etc, practice their Pain and Peace Cycles, they can often get to flow states where it feels very natural, and habitual. But that transformational experience is only experienced because of the combination of insight and practice. Without both, flow and change isn't experienced.
I'm currently reading a really good book by Laurence Gonzales called Deep Survival:Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why. In this book he writes the following:
While the pathways from the amygdala to the neocortex are stronger and faster than the ones going the other way, some ability may remain for the neocortex to do the following: First, to recognize that there is an emotional response underway. Second, to read reality and perceive circumstances correctly. Third, to override or modulate the automatic reaction if it is an inappropriate one; and fourth, to select a correct course of action. (location 876-886/Kindle)
He then goes on to write:
When you learn something complex, such as flying, snowboarding, or playing tennis or golf, at first you must think through each move. That is called explicit learning, and it’s stored in explicit memory, the kind you can talk about, the kind that allows you to remember a recipe for lasagna. But as you gain more experience, you begin to do the task less consciously. You develop flow, touch, timing— a feel for it. It becomes second nature, a thing of beauty. That’s known as implicit learning. The two neurological systems of explicit and implicit learning are quite separate. Implicit memories are unconscious. Implicit learning is like a natural smile: It comes by way of a different neural pathway from the one that carries explicit memory. (location 896/Kindle)
After I read this I thought to myself, this are the steps Restoration Therapy model of the Pain and Peace Cycle. And he's talking about deliberate practice and flow states.
Why is all of this important? Because whether we are talking about life and death situations like in Deep Survival, or conflict in relationships like in Restoration Therapy, or athletic and artistic performance in Grit....they are all about a certain level of awareness (insight) that requires us to practice, and it's in doing so that we create change and make better decisions, and move closer to transformational flow.
In this episode:
- I talk about the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model
- I talk about deliberate practice and flow
- I connect the brain theory writing in Deep Survival to both Restoration Therapy and Grit
- I talk about how you can experiment with your own insight+practice= transformational flow this week.
Resources Mentioned
Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Dr. Terry Hargrave
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
Deep Survival:Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why by Laurence Gonzales
So I am not one to talk much about politics...at least online. There are several reasons for this. 1) I feel a bit naive on the subject matter and not as fluent in political knowledge and conversation as I would like to be. 2) I've rarely seen political discussion online lead to anything positive. So for the most part I work on improving my family, my neighborhood, and the communities around me by having face to face conversations (about all kinds of things), and working to affect change where I am able.
And I've noticed that ranting on FB about something does little to affect change.
And I think there is a reason for this.
This is the subject of this podcast. How emotional regulation (lack thereof usually), anxiety, and boundaries (usually violations of) lead to a toxic environment for political discourse. And in this I will just try and speak from my own knowledge of family and organization systems, and the lens that I view things from as a marriage and family therapist. And I think this has relevancy because we are all engaged in systems, and online political discourse is a relational system where the same principles apply. And I know I have a certain view point because of my own background and experience, but I try to stick to the published work out there on this topic (which of course has it's own viewpoints). That the reality...we all have viewpoints. But at the end of the day, I believe that if we can become aware of our biases and pain points, and emotionally self-regulate ourselves enough, we are actually capable of creating a safe environment that leads to action and change. Otherwise, all we are doing is slinging mud at each other.
I start this podcast with a quote from the Jewish Rabbi and Marriage and Family Therapist Edwin Friedman, who wrote:
"Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them"
In this episode I explore:
- Boundaries. What they are and how they are violated.
- The concept of emotional self-regulation.
- Systemic Anxiety
- The work we all need to do to act out of our true selves in a healthy way, that creates safety for others, and helps not only lead to civil discourse, but ultimately change.
In Failure of Nerve, Friedman writes:
....Precisely because our technologically advanced society constantly keeps us in often-simultaneous touch with one another it may be more difficult today not to become caught up in the surrounding systemic anxiety. Ironically, the very advances in technology that mark our era tend to intensify the 'herding instinct' characteristic of an anxious society. This kind of enmeshment inhibits further the kind of individuation that is the essential precondition for bold leadership and imaginitive thinking....My thesis here is that the climate of contemporary America has become so chronically anxious that our society has gone into an emotional regression that is toxic to well-defined leadership....Emotional regression, therefore, is more of a 'going down' than a 'going back'; it is devolution rather than evolution....At the same time that a society is 'pro-gressing' technologically it can be 're-gressing' emotionally....When a society (or an institution) is in a state of emotional regression, it will put its technological advances to the service of its regression so that the more it advances on one level the more it regresses on another.... (pp. 52-55)
I decided to take about a 6 week break from the podcast to focus on my work and family as we entered into a very busy holiday season. It was good to take a break from the podcast as I focused on the New Year ahead.
I'm not sure what the podcast will look like in 2017, but I do know there will be one. I would really love to move to more of a guest format, but it's pretty challenging to line up all the details between myself and a guest when I spend most of my week in sessions with clients. But my favorite podcasts that I listen to myself, and my favorite episodes of my podcast, are the ones where the host talks with a guest.
So in 2017 expect to hear more guests on my podcast, and it's possible I may move from the 3-4 episodes a month format I've been doing, to maybe just 2 a month. Whatever I can do to maintain high quality is what I will be doing.
That being said, the beginning of a New Year gives me an opportunity to think through and reflect on the past year, as well as think about the goals for this coming year.
In this episode I:
- reflect on some goals I achieved in 2016
- reflect on some goals I failed in 2016.
- share the books I read in 2016.
- share my wholistic paradigm for goal setting which is based on the 4 parts of self-care I discussed in Episode 1.
One of the most common questions I get is about what marriage book I might recommend. That is a tough question in some ways because there are so many books out there, and every person responds to a certain book differently. So it's hard to be too prescriptive on this topic.
But I can tell you there are about 7 books that I recommend a lot, and have been recommending for a long time. And the reason I recommend these books is because they have not only transformed my life and marriage, but they are the books that couples consistently report as being the most helpful and life-transforming for them.
So in this episode I briefly talk about these 7 books. Each book is pretty different from each other. Some are Christian and faith based in their approach, while others don't come with any faith perspective. Some are pretty prescriptive in their approach, listing out steps and tools to use in your marriage, while others take a more philosophical and theological approach, but it's up to the reader to figure out how and if that applies to their marriage. Some talk about sex (one in pretty specific and graphic ways), while others don't even mention it. Some are more academic, while others are an easy read.
So check out these books and see what may most apply and be helpful to you.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson -- Great read by the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Her seven conversations provide great insight and direction for couples working on their connection.
Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer -- This is perhaps my favorite book on marriage because it is the therapy model founded by my mentor and friend Dr. Hargrave. It's the model that I use in therapy with my clients and what I teach in churches and organizations. More of a technical read for therapists and practitioners, though helpful for couples who do want to dive into the theory. I talk with Dr. Hargrave about his model here, and discuss it's concepts here, here, here, here and here.
5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry D. Hargrave and Shawn Stoever -- this is the book that was written by the developers of the 4-day marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience where I was on staff for four years. It's a simple, awesome read that walks couples through was is essentially Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model.
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch -- This book was probably one of the biggest life changing books for me individually, and in my marriage. It introduced me to the concept of self-differentiation in marriage, and it's ideas on anxiety and self-soothing are some of the most helpful concepts I use with couples. Schnarch is also a sex therapist, so this book will be the most graphic of the selection in terms of it's content.
The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni -- though this is not a "marriage" book per se, it is super helpful in marriages. My wife have worked through this book and it has been marriage transforming for us. I have written about this here, and did a podcast about it here.
The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle by Mike Mason -- This was really one of the first books that I read on marriage. I read it in seminary when I wasn't even dating anyone, and yet, it is a book I keep coming back to time and time again. One of the things I like about it the best is that it is not a marriage book with how to's or step by step instructions. It's more of a poetic and theological look at marriage.
Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy, More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary L. Thomas -- One of the premises about this book that I think is so helpful is the concept that marriage is a refining process that is more about making us holy than happy. That is a tough sell in today's culture.
Last week I had the privilege of speaking to one of my favorite groups...MOPS. In this case it was the MOPS group at First Baptist Frisco which is an awesome group I have had the opportunity to speak to before (as well as their MOMSnext group). And as I was thinking about what topic to speak to them about, I started thinking about what season of life most of these moms find themselves in. It's tiring. It's busy. There is lots of new expectations, and that can sometimes be coupled with depression or anxiety. And in the midst of this, there is a marital relationship that they are trying to navigate along with all the challenges of being a new mom, or adding more kids to the family. And they might be in a marriage where their spouse is or isn't engaged in not only the life of the new baby and kids, but may or may not be engaged in the marriage as well.
That being said, it's a crucial time for marriages. And a lot of marriages tend to drift during this season, and those who are lucky course correct, and those who aren't, continue to drift apart further and further over the years. But what I have found in healthy marriages, especially ones who navigate this season successfully, is that it's not about luck, but rather about two people committed to working together to see their marriage grow in an intentional way.
So in this episode:
- I address some of the common issues that people identify as putting a strain on their marriage.
- I talk about the concept of marital drift
- I share an assessment tool on marital drift that my friend and colleague Corey Allan writes about on his website.
- I share 5 strategies for helping your marriage avoid and course correct marital drift.
- I share 3 ways you can talk to your spouse about how to avoid and course correct marital drift.
Resources and People Mentioned in Episode
Corey Allan -- Marital Drift Assessment
The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni
Link to my 5-Part Blog Series on Why Your Family Should Use The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family
Link to my podcast episode on creating a vision statement for your marriage/family
Link to my podcast episode on self-care and relationships
Last weekend I had the humbling opportunity to speak at the first ever Restoration Therapy Conference which was held at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. When the founder of the model, Dr. Terry Hargrave asked med to present on anxiety and the Restoration Therapy model, I knew it was an invitation that I couldn't refuse. I consider Dr. Hargrave not only a mentor, but also a friend, so I definitely wanted to participate in anything he was doing. But I also knew I would be anxious for several months leading up to my presentation. And I was. But it was a great time to be with a bunch of other therapists and researches who are on the ground floor in the ongoing development of the Restoration Therapy model.
I won't go into details in this post since you will hear more in this episode. But I've been using Restoration Therapy as my primary therapeutic model since about 2010 when I was first exposed to it co-leading marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX. I did not know the model as Restoration Therapy at the time, but rather as The 5 Days to a New Marriage model...and essentially, the Pain and Peace Cycle model.
But no model has changed my life more than this one. And no model has helped my clients more than this one. I have experience and training and proficiency in a lot of different models, but I believe this is the best one out there for a lot of reasons...many of which I will go into in this episode.
This is a 2 part episode, and in these episodes I explore the concept of anxiety and how it differs from fear...and why that distinction is so important. I look at what anxiety is and how to define it. I talk about how to normalize anxiety for your clients and reframe it as an opportunity for growth. I talk about how to get at the roots of anxiety using the RT Model and understanding the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle. I talk about how to take the Pain and Peace Cycle and practice it daily to create transformation. And then I talk about the important tools and resources that can help people manage their anxiety.
But for now, what you must know is this. In the Restoration Therapy Model, anxiety is not a feeling, but rather a coping behavior. We don't feel anxious, rather we become anxious. We do anxiety. But there is some other feeling that drives the anxiety. And that's important, otherwise we could end up just chasing the relief of the symptoms (though important), rather than dealing with the root issues of anxiety. Keeping that in mind, it's important to understand that anxiety is about issues concerning individual(love/identity) and relational personhood (trust/safety). And they are about "ultimate concerns" in life such as faith, life, death, purpose, meaning, relationships. Whereas, fear is about specific situations and circumstances.
So as I spell out in these episodes, my fear growing up was speaking in front of people because I would stutter. But my anxiety was that I would feel inadequate, be alone, not measure up. And I spent most of my life trying to relieve my fears (speaking), rather than understanding and dealing with my anxiety (coping behavior) and what was at the root of it, which was those feelings of inadequacy (feelings).
It may not seem like an important distinction at the outset, but actually has huge implications in terms of one getting healing when it comes to their anxiety. And I think you can see this distinction play out both in faith and biblical perspectives, as well as psychological and secular perspectives...so I address these integrative pieces as well.
So whether you are a therapist, lay counselor, pastor, friend, spouse, parent, colleague....who wants to help someone with anxiety...or whether you are trying to help your own anxiety...these episodes are for you.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
People and Resources Mentioned in the Episodes
Restoration Therapy Model -- in Episode 21 I talk about Restoration Therapy and how I use it for my work with individuals, couples, churches and organizations. Restoration Therapy Conference
Terry Hargrave -- in Episode 55 I interview Dr. Hargrave
Pain Cycle (this is Episode 42)
Peace Cycle (this is Episode 43)
Sharon Hargrave Steve and Rajan Trafton
The Hideaway Experience
The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith
The Concept of Anxiety by Soren Kierkegaard
Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard
The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May
Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Huge Cole Jr.
Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Todd Dufrene
The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich
Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
Last weekend I had the humbling opportunity to speak at the first ever Restoration Therapy Conference which was held at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. When the founder of the model, Dr. Terry Hargrave asked med to present on anxiety and the Restoration Therapy model, I knew it was an invitation that I couldn't refuse. I consider Dr. Hargrave not only a mentor, but also a friend, so I definitely wanted to participate in anything he was doing. But I also knew I would be anxious for several months leading up to my presentation. And I was. But it was a great time to be with a bunch of other therapists and researches who are on the ground floor in the ongoing development of the Restoration Therapy model.
I won't go into details in this post since you will hear more in this episode. But I've been using Restoration Therapy as my primary therapeutic model since about 2010 when I was first exposed to it co-leading marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX. I did not know the model as Restoration Therapy at the time, but rather as The 5 Days to a New Marriage model...and essentially, the Pain and Peace Cycle model.
But no model has changed my life more than this one. And no model has helped my clients more than this one. I have experience and training and proficiency in a lot of different models, but I believe this is the best one out there for a lot of reasons...many of which I will go into in this episode.
This is a 2 part episode, and in these episodes I explore the concept of anxiety and how it differs from fear...and why that distinction is so important. I look at what anxiety is and how to define it. I talk about how to normalize anxiety for your clients and reframe it as an opportunity for growth. I talk about how to get at the roots of anxiety using the RT Model and understanding the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle. I talk about how to take the Pain and Peace Cycle and practice it daily to create transformation. And then I talk about the important tools and resources that can help people manage their anxiety.
But for now, what you must know is this. In the Restoration Therapy Model, anxiety is not a feeling, but rather a coping behavior. We don't feel anxious, rather we become anxious. We do anxiety. But there is some other feeling that drives the anxiety. And that's important, otherwise we could end up just chasing the relief of the symptoms (though important), rather than dealing with the root issues of anxiety. Keeping that in mind, it's important to understand that anxiety is about issues concerning individual(love/identity) and relational personhood (trust/safety). And they are about "ultimate concerns" in life such as faith, life, death, purpose, meaning, relationships. Whereas, fear is about specific situations and circumstances.
So as I spell out in these episodes, my fear growing up was speaking in front of people because I would stutter. But my anxiety was that I would feel inadequate, be alone, not measure up. And I spent most of my life trying to relieve my fears (speaking), rather than understanding and dealing with my anxiety (coping behavior) and what was at the root of it, which was those feelings of inadequacy (feelings).
It may not seem like an important distinction at the outset, but actually has huge implications in terms of one getting healing when it comes to their anxiety. And I think you can see this distinction play out both in faith and biblical perspectives, as well as psychological and secular perspectives...so I address these integrative pieces as well.
So whether you are a therapist, lay counselor, pastor, friend, spouse, parent, colleague....who wants to help someone with anxiety...or whether you are trying to help your own anxiety...these episodes are for you.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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People and Resources Mentioned in the Episodes
Restoration Therapy Model -- in Episode 21 I talk about Restoration Therapy and how I use it for my work with individuals, couples, churches and organizations. Restoration Therapy Conference
Terry Hargrave -- in Episode 55 I interview Dr. Hargrave
Pain Cycle (this is Episode 42)
Peace Cycle (this is Episode 43)
Sharon Hargrave
Steve and Rajan Trafton
The Hideaway Experience
The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith
The Concept of Anxiety by Soren Kierkegaard
Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard
The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May
Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Huge Cole Jr.
Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Todd Dufrene
The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich
Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
One of the most common questions I get outside of my office (via Facebook, Twitter, email, etc.) is, "What can I do if I struggle with anxiety?" Or often they are asking for someone they know and care about, "What can I do to help someone with anxiety?"
I have to caution and say that there is not a one size fits all answer to this question.
But generally speaking there are 4 things that I tell that person that we can do:
- I help them see that anxiety is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you for struggling with anxiety. That may seem obvious to many of you, but for many, having anxiety is like carrying around a scarlet letter on their chest in their community. So I try to normalize the experience for them.
- I help that person identify some tools and resources that will help them manage and or reduce their currently level of distress with anxiety. I find this to be an important step that allows us to move to the next thing.
- I help that person identify and work on the root issue that is driving the anxiety. Relieving symptoms is great, but to really transform anxiety, I want to help that person understand the root of their anxiety. Anxiety is the coping behavior of some feeling.
- I help the person reframe anxiety as an opportunity for growth. I want them to see anxiety as a friend who speaks into their life and guides them. I want to help them to see God at work in the midst of it.
These are four things that you can help a person, or yourself, who is struggling with anxiety. And these are the things that you might also want to look for in a counselor, therapist, pastoral counselor, life coach, etc.
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When I was in my early 30's I was fortunate enough to have a really great Marriage and Family Therapy supervisor in D. Michael Smith. He was actually one of many early great mentors I had and supervisors as I pursued my license as a therapist. But one day while I was in a supervision session with him, and I was feeling particularly stuck with a client, he took out a piece of paper and began to write some questions down.
He told me that he believed that every person is essentially asking these 4 questions at each new stage in their life (and potentially are questions that are constantly at one's top of mind). As he began to write I was super eager to see what these important questions were. He put the piece of paper between us and I began to look at the questions with him. The questions were:
- Who am I?
- What am I to do?
- How am I to be loved?
- How do I become all that God created me to be?
Essentially, they are questions of identity, vocation, relationship, and purpose/calling. And these questions are intimately linked with one another, because often one can't be answered without having answered the other.
In this episode I explore these 4 questions in depth and talk about why they are necessary questions for us. They are perhaps the most important questions we can be asking ourselves. They are questions of ultimate concern as I talk about in this episode. As the Christian existential philosopher/theologian Paul Tillich wrote:
"Man, like every living being, is concerned about many things, above all about those which condition his very existence...If [a situation or concern] claims ultimacy it demands the total surrender of him who accepts this claim...it demands that all other concerns...be sacrificed." (Dynamics of Faith)
I have written and talking extensively about how anxiety in the New Testament can mean different things in different contexts. Paul in Philippians uses the Greek merimnao to describe not being anxious (Philippians 4:6) and to have care/concern for (Philippians 2:20). In essence, the Greek word for anxiety here means literally to not be anxious, but at other times, have care and concern for.
So it's possible that our anxiety at times points to ultimate concerns because it's in our anxiety that we are being told to care for these things. And it's these questions that often come up for us.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode Paul Tillich D. Michael Smith I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and athletic performance. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” Soren Kierkegaard
That quote by Soren Kierkegaard in his work The Concept of Anxiety, has always been one of my favorite quotes. I think it truly captures the hear of anxiety for many...In that being free, creative beings who are responsible for our lives and the choices and directions we take...that freedom creates a lot of anxiety for many. In this episode I explore the varied definitions and meanings of anxiety from the clinical to the biblical, to the existential.
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Link to Episode 76
Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode
The Concept of Anxiety by Sorek Kierkegaard
The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May
be not anxious by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.
The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith
One of the populations I love working with in my practice is athletes. I've been fortunate enough to work with a large variety of athletes from professionals to amateur, from middle school kids all the way up to a middle aged runner like me. And in my time with athletes several themes around athletics have emerged that tend to be the central focus of our counseling time together.
Those are:
- performance anxiety
- anxiety and stress due to pressure from overbearing parents
- depression from not achieving an athletic goal or from not being able to participate in the sport because of injury.
- training the athlete for more positive self-talk and visualization to increase performance.
These 4 issues seem to crop up the most and I have had a lot of success using the Restoration Therapy model developed by Terry Hargrave. Even though I initially used it only with couples I have expanded it's use to individuals, families, organizations, and now athletes. I feel that it's core tenets, especially the importance of emotional self-regulation and working to identify and act out of one's truth, rather than out of one's negative cycle, have been extremely helpful.
In this episode I briefly mention the components above, but really spend the bulk of the episode diving into some of the work of Angela Duckworth in her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, and what she has to say about anxious parents and kid's athletics. In the episode I read from about 2-3 pages worth of material to give you an understanding of what Duckworth is communicating when it comes to grit and our kids, while at the same time commenting on some of the things I have seen in my practice.
I echo Duckworth's and other's findings that children who are allowed autonomy to choose what sports in activities to engage in, and who have the freedom to explore a multiplicity of sports, while at the same time not engaging in them all year round, often fare better than their counterparts who specialize early and play all year. The latter often leads to a lot of burnout (often by high school or college), and it short circuits the development of passion because kid has not had the ability to pursue their own interests, but have often been pursuing the interests of the parents.
I want to leave you with one quote from Grit that I read in this episode:
Sports psychologist Jean Cote finds that shortcutting this stage of relaxed, playful interest, discovery, and development has dire consequences. In his research, professional athletes like Rowdy Gains who, as a children, sampled a variety of different sports before committing to one, generally fare much better in the long run. This early breadth of experience helps the young athlete figure out which sport fits better than others,. Sampling also provides an opportunity to 'cross train' muscles and skills that will eventually complement more focused training. While athletes who skip this state often enjoy an early advantage in competition against less specialized peers, Cote finds that they're more likely to become injured physically and to burn out. (page 107 on Kindle).
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Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode
Terry Hargrave
Restoration Therapy
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
Angela Duckworth
Benjamin Bloom
Jean Cote
So if your day was anything like my wife and I's yesterday, it involved walking our kids into their first day of school this year. My daughter starts 4th grade, and my son starts Kindergarten. And like many of you, we are in a new transition as we begin a new school year. One filled with excitement, anxieties, fears, joys, ups and downs, and all kinds of emotions in between there.
After dropping my kids off at school I spent some time thinking about this particular transition in life and about all the kids I have had the privilege to work with over the last 20+ years...sometimes as a camp counselor, youth pastor, and therapist. And one of the things that I thought about the most was all the expectations we have as parents when our kid starts off a new school year. Sometimes our expectations are appropriate ones, and other times if we are honest with ourselves, the expectations might have more to do with us, than our kids. But guess what, our kids also start off the school year with expectations of their own, but I wonder how much we stop and talk to them about that.
So in today's episode I share a few things that I have found to be helpful in my work with kids and their families, as well as in my own life. Some things I feel we do a pretty good job of, and other things are a work in progress. But isn't parenting always that way...just when you think you have something figured out, it all changes. In this episode I discuss:
- Being honest with your own expectations as a parent.
- Talking with your kids about their expectations.
- The importance of building connection with your kids and some ways to do it this school year.
- The importance of spending time wisely and some suggestions of how to create that.
- The importance of risk taking and failure in our kid's development.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).
I have the great privilege of working with couples in my office on a daily basis. Some come to me before they are married, some within a few years of marriage, but the great majority of them come to see me after a crisis that was indicative of the marital drift in their life. In Episode 19 of my podcast I talked about marital drift and the kid centered marriage. But essentially what often happens in relationships is that couples set out with good intentions to care for and love each other...to make each other priority. In fact, it was often that feeling of being a priority in dating that led to engagement and marriage.
But over the course of the marriage couples often make sacrifices that hurt the marriage and leave one or both spouses not often feeling like a priority. I see this most often in couples that just got busy. They had kids...the kids got busy with sports and activities...and the marriage drifted. Then one day they wake up, perhaps 5, 10, 15, 20 years later, and are so disconnected that they don't know how to reconnect, or aren't sure it is worth the effort.
The drift itself often is felt early on in a marriage, but it's not until a crisis hits such as an affair, an addiction, or the threat of divorce that couples will recognize it fully or want to engage it.
And in this episode I talk about one of my core beliefs that I have come to realize after 20 plus years in the pastoral and clinical counseling setting....and that is that couples can't have both a great marriage, and at the same time put their their kids first by running around in a million different directions and pursuing a million different activities. Something will have to be sacrificed, and often it's the marriage. My other belief that I explore in this episode is that the marriage should have priority, not the kids. I think we live in a culture where we have put kids first, and what often gets sacrificed is not only the marriage, but the family falls apart as well since the marriage is in disaster. Instead, I have seen time and time again that where the marriage is priority, the kids benefit. This isn't a statement about one being more important or loving one more. You love both, that's why the marriage is a priority. So as you listen to this episode I want you to think about your own marriage, and whether or not it's the priority over your kids. And what implications are there for the answer you have?
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One of the things that I've noticed a lot about relationships and conflict, is that a lot of it tends to happen in periods of daily transition. For example, conflict tends to arise when people are leaving the house in the morning, or coming home later in the day. Whether it's a spouse, roommate, or child, there tends to be a lot of missed expectations in those two periods of the day. Maybe it's the rushed chaos that often accompanies those periods (i.e. rushing kids off to school, coming home after a long chaotic day at work, etc.) of the day, or maybe it's that we have ideas in our head about how things are going to look. For example, I might have the expectation that when I come home from work that my wife and kids are excited to see me and greet me as I come in the door...if that doesn't happen, I may become disappointed and that could lead to conflict. Or maybe my wife has been working all day and running around with the kids since school's been out and she has the expectation that I will walk in the door and help with dinner, when maybe I withdraw to our bedroom to relax for a few minutes...maybe she feels disappointed as well, and that can lead to conflict.
These are just a couple of examples of the thousands of expectations that we have when we leave a place in transition, and we enter back into that place in transition. It's such an important time that I would often spend time working with couples over this issue during marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience.
The reality is we all have expectations. It's just there is something that happens in the transition that I think tends to create a lot of conflict for couples. So in order to navigate that more successfully I have discovered several things that are helpful to couples in doing this. Whether it be creating some rules around greetings, or boundaries around technology, or taking the time to get into the right frame of mind for the upcoming transitions....in this episode of the Rhett Smith Podcast I share with you some examples of conflict in transition, and give you some practical ideas to navigate it more successfully.
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"
I'm not quite exactly sure of the origin of learning about this communication technique, but I know it must have morphed together from all of my training and experience as a therapist...so I'm sure it has it's roots in varying theorists, I just can't place it right now. But in my time as a therapist I was used to hearing couples talking about all the things that weren't working well in the relationship. And most often it would come across in the form of criticism. Some spouse would be sharing all the things that their partner wasn't doing. And you can imagine what that was doing to the relationship...you can imagine what kind of pain cycle that was creating.
So I started thinking about what it would look like to share with your spouse not all the things they were doing wrong, but rather, the things they desired and wanted and needed in the relationship. Why not focus on the positives (what you want and desire), rather than the negatives (all they weren't doing right). This subtle (maybe it's not so subtle) shift in language began to have a different affect on couples. Rather than creating situations of defensiveness, it created opportunities for openness and closeness.
But the key is, once you talk about what you want and desire, you have to let go of the outcome. You have to let go of the expectations in the relationship. Listen closely here...I'm not saying you can't, or shouldn't have expectations in a relationship...but what I'm saying you have to let go of that particular expectation you are requesting. You can't demand. You have to allow the other person in the relationship the freedom to decide to do what you are requesting, or to not do it. This is a request based out of freedom, not out of fear or demanding. Demanding relationships drain life out of the couple, whereas, ones based in freedom are life-giving.
I think I first learned of the "letting go of the outcome" step in Terence Real's book, The New Rules of Marriage. In his technique called The Feedback Wheel, the final step is "Let go of the outcome." There is a whole process to his feedback wheel, but I eventually took this idea of letting go of the outcome into other theories I was learning, and I began to apply it to couples and families that I was working with.
So in today's podcast I want to help you with this simple technique of being vulnerable (the hard part) in your relationship by shifting your focus on what your partner is not doing (that's a position of criticism), and focus on what you are desiring and wanting. It's vulnerable and risky to request though, because what if they say no. But this is about putting yourself out there. And so when you put yourself out there, you let go of the outcome. And as a therapist who highly believes in self-differentiation, and practices the Restoration Therapy model where one's identity is not based in the partner, but in one's own truth....I want to say, this is not about putting your identity in your partner or demanding from them. This is just simply about being honest about yourself and what you desire...but then letting go of it. It's in this freedom that we learn more about the needs, wants, desires of our partner, and it's helpful to know those things, so that in one's freedom, they can choose to, or choose not to respond.
Try this technique out at home and let me know what you think.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
The New Rules of Marriage by Terence Real
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).
This has been an incredibly difficult political season, in that it highlights the deep divisions among one another along racial, sexual, economical, and political lines....just to name a few.
And one thing I have been struggling with the most is to try and remind myself of how I talk about people that believe different than me. Because how I talk about them or their beliefs (if I do at all), will determine whether or not we can be in relationship with one another...and hopefully learn and grow from the mutual relationship.
But what happens most often is that we end up using exclusionary language (they, them, those people) that actually create more division and destroy the possibility of any relationship, rather than using inclusionary and embracing language (I, you, we, us) that pulls us closer to one another. And without the relationship, no progress can be made. It's the relationship that makes it safe for us to work through our ideas with one another, and to be challenged, and to grow. When it is unsafe, we are not able to do this, but instead withdraw and fight and name call.
I see this played out daily at a microlevel in my counseling office with couples and familes and individuals, but at the marcrolevel I am sometimes left feeling hopeless and inadequate that we can do the same.
So this is something that I need to work on myself, and I wanted to process this out loud with you in this episode.
Fair warning though, Martin Buber and Miroslav Volf were hard enough for me to read at a slow pace, so I hope I didn't totally do them injustice by drawing on their ideas and talking about them with you in this episode.
In this episode I also read two lengthy quotes form Volf's wonderful book, Exclusion and Embrace. Those are posted below so that you can read on your own as well.
Check out this episode and walk with me on this journey so that we all contribute to more positive change in our homes, neighborhoods, communities, cities, states and world...you get the idea...start with where you can directly affect change, and then go from there.
Episode 70, quote #1:
In all wars, whether large or small, whether carried out on battlefields, city streets, living rooms, or faculty lounges, we come across the same basic exclusionary polarity: “us against them,” “their gain–our loss, ” “either us or them.” The stronger the conflict, the more the rich texture of the social world disappears and the stark exclusionary polarity emerges around which all thought and practice aligns itself. No other choice seems available, no neutrality possible, and therefore no innocence sustainable. If one does not exit that whole social world, one gets sucked into its horrid polarity. Tragically enough, over time the polarity has a macabre way of mutating into its very opposite–into “both us and them” that unites the divided parties in a perverse communion of mutual hate and mourning over the dead.
……….There may indeed be situations in which “there is no choice,” though we should not forget that to destroy the other rather than to be destroyed oneself is itself a choice. In most cases, however, the choice is not constrained by an inescapable “either us or them.” If there is will, courage and imagination the stark polarity can be overcome. Those caught in the vortex of mutual exclusion can resist its pull, rediscover their common belonging, even fall into each other’s arms. People with conflicting interests, clashing perspectives, and differing cultures can avoid sliding into the cycle of escalating violence and instead maintain bonds, even make their life together flourish. (pp. 99-100) — Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf
Episode 70, quote #2:
What is so profoundly different about the “new order” of the father is that it is not built around the alternatives as defined by the older brother: either strict adherence to the rules or disorder and disintegration; either you are “in” or you are “out,” depending on whether you have or have not broken a rule. He rejected this alternative because his behavior was governed by the one fundamental “rule”: relationship has priority over all rules. Before any rule can apply, he is a father to his sons and his sons are brothers to one another. The reason for celebration is that “this son of mine” (v.24) and “this brother of yours” (v.32) has been found and has come alive again. Notice the categorical difference between how the father and how the older brother interpret the prodigal’s life in the “distant country.” The older brother employs moral categories and constructs his brother’s departure along the axis of “bad/good” behavior: the brother has “devoured your property with prostitutes” (v.30). The father, though keenly aware of the moral import of his younger son’s behavior, employs relational categories and constructs his son’s departure along the axis of “lost/found” and “alive (to him)/dead (to him).” Relationship is prior to moral rules; moral performances may do something to the relationship, but relationship is not grounded in moral performance. Hence the will to embrace is independent of the quality of behavior, though at the same time “repentance,” “confession,” and the “consequences of one’s actions” all have their own proper place. The profound wisdom about the priority of the relationship, and not some sentimental insanity, explains the father’s kind of “prodigality” to both of his sons.
For the father, the priority of the relationship means not only a refusal to let moral rules be the final authority regulating “exclusion” and “embrace” but also a refusal to construct his own identity in isolation from his sons. He readjusts his identity along with the changing identities of his sons and thereby reconstructs their broken identities and relationships. He suffers being “un-fathered” by both, so that through this suffering he may regain both as his sons (if the older brother was persuaded) and help them rediscover each other as brothers. Refusing the alternatives of “self-constructed” vs. “imposed” identities, difference vs. domestication, he allows himself to be taken on the journey of their shifting identities so that he can continue to be their father and they, each other’s brothers. Why does he not lose himself on the journey? Because he is guided by indestructible love and supported by a flexible order.
Flexible order? Changing identities? The world of fixed rules and stable identities is the world of the older brother. The father destabilizes this world–and draws his older son’s anger upon himself. The father’s most basic commitment is not to rules and given identities but to his sons whose lives are too complex to be regulated by fixed rules and whose identitites are too dynamic to be defined once for all. Yet he does not give up the rules and the order. Guided by the indestructible love which makes space in the self for others in their alterity, which invites the others who have trangressed to return, which creates hospitable conditions for their confession, and rejoices over their presence, the father keeps re-configuring the order without destroying it so as to maintain it as an order of embrace rather than exclusion. (pp.164-165)
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Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf
I and Thou by Martin Buber
I first heard of Anne Marie Miller when she was actually Anne Jackson, and she was blogging under the name Flowerdust. This was probably around 2006/2007 or so (maybe earlier), and she had a very popular blog that talked a lot about ministry, leadership, and other faith related topics. What was different about her was her level of authenticity and vulnerability in her posts...and she was a woman writing on a topic that at that point was almost primarily dominated by men.
Eventually I was able to meet Anne in person at a theology/technology conference that Biola University was holding (maybe back in 2007/2008--again, my dates are fuzzy), and we have remained good friends since then, often talking a lot about issues related to mental health such as anxiety and depression. In fact, about 7 years ago I interviewed Anne in a two part series on depression, burnout and ministry:
- Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1
- Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 2
But in this episode I dive into a very important topic that seems to be on the hearts and minds of almost every parent I talk to, whether that is a parent of a client of mine, or just friends and neighbors. And that is the topic of sex and pornography, especially as it relates to the role that technology plays. Anne just recently had her new book published, 5 Things Every Parents Needs to Know About their Kids and Sex. It's a really great and timely book, and I was thankful that I was able to participate in the writing process of the book with some contributions of my own on this topic.
This is a topic that both Anne and I have spent numerous years talking with both kids and parents about. And it was really timely for my own wife and I as we are currently navigating the issues of technology with our kids, and as we talk to them about sexuality.
In this episode we bounce around covering a lot of topics:
- Anne shares her personal story of porn addiction in her teenage years.
- We discuss the wiring of the brain around pornographic images.
- We discuss how kids get involved with pornography
- We discuss various social media apps and their implications
- We discuss why it's so hard for parents to talk about sex and pornography with their kids, and how they can go about the conversation.
- Etc.
Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About their Kids and Sex by Anne Marie Miller
My Story – Part 1: The Preacher’s Daughter & The Youth Pastor – My Introduction to Sexual Abuse and Pornography
My Story – Part 2: Fighting My Addiction to Pornography (and Giving the Gift of Going Second!)
Here is a listing of Anne's other books
*Note: In this podcast I mention a social psychologist whom I couldn't remember. I realized that I was actually thinking of the work of Carol Dweck, but it wasn't actually her research I was referring to.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about a certain topic in parenting. And the topic revolves around how often we as parents use the "I am the parent" card in various forms or fashions. Sometimes we literally say that out loud, and other times we are just thinking it. You may have your own version, but I hear something to this effect quite a bit in my counseling sessions with parents and their adolescents.
And when I hear this statement (or some version of it) coming from a parent and said to their kid, what I essentially hear is, "What you have to say, think, believe, etc, doesn't matter." It basically cuts off any form of understanding or connection in that relationship, and I believe will eventually lead a kid to disrespect and rebel from their parents authority. Nothing communicates a lack of worth more quickly than basically not listening to those we are in relationship with.
I've been thinking about this a lot because on several occasions I've seen parents do a great job of really seeking to understand their kids in session...and it changes everything. Literally. One of the reasons I'm able to do it in session so easily with adolescents is because I'm not their parent, and the emotional connection is very different, and not highly charged. But with my own kids, I often find myself not taking the time to slow down and listen to what they have to say.
Listening to our kids is so important, and though there are times to make decisions as a parent and want follow through without any type of pushing back from them, there is also a really healthy exchange that takes place when kids ask and demand that we as parents give them answers. This is especially true the older the kid gets. And I think we actually do them a disservice when we just excuse their questioning, and we end up not really preparing them for the future. We need to help our kids understand why we make the decisions we make so they have a compass by which to make their own decisions. We need to show them that understanding and empathy and connection are important. In this episode:
- I talk about the importance of kids questioning are authority and decision making.
- I talk about why this questioning can lead to understanding and empathy and connection.
- I talk about how we as parents help model decision making skills and understanding by going through this process with our own kids.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Link to Episode 68
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).
Sunday was Father's Day. And like Mother's Day...it can bring up all kinds of emotions for people. Positive emotions. Negative Emotions. Feelings of joy and happiness, or anger and fear, as well as loss. And that's just to name a few. I am very thankful that I have a very amazing father. I posted on Instagram just all that he has meant to me, especially when I take into consideration that my mom died from breast cancer when I was 11, and my dad became a single parent to two boys. And the longer I am a parent, the more thankful that I am. This is my experience, but as I wrote at the outset, days like these can bring up all kinds of feelings for people. And so as I mention in this podcast episode, I want to acknowledge that.
In light of Father's Day this last week I want to talk about 3 important life giving messages that I first wrote about in my book, What It Means to Be a Man. In Chapter 3 on Fathering I quote Larry Crabb from his book The Silence of Adam. Crabb writes:
"A godly father speaks three messages to his son: 1. 'It can be done. 2. You're not alone. 3. I believe in you.'"
Those 3 messages have been messages that have changed my life, and were ones that not only my dad instilled in me growing up, but ones that my mother did as well.
And though I initially wrote this for a men's book, and we are coming off Father's Day, I want to say loud and clear, that these messages aren't limited to father's and sons. These are messages that all people can speak to one another. Parent to child. Spouse to Spouse. Colleague to Colleague. We all desire to know these truths, and we should count it a gift if someone in our lives have spoken these things to us.
But here is your opportunity. You have the ability to speak these 3 messages (or your own version of them) to those people in your life who so desperately need to know these things. And even if they don't desperately need to per se, we all desire to hear these things spoken to us.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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So in this episode:
- I talk about these 3 messages and what they mean.
- I encourage you to think about those people around you who need to hear this message.
- I challenge you to go out this week and speak these messages to those people.
Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode
What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith
The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos by Larry Crabb
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).
In my time on staff at the Hideaway Experience doing marriage intensives, my co-therapists and I had a few rules that we would often write out for the 4 couples on the their first day of intensive work. We found that having some guiding principles (rules) made the process more safe for everyone involved. And one of the rules that always stuck out to me was "Be curious vs. being judgemental". Pretty simple. We found that when spouses were curious about their partner, there were less likely to be in a posture of being critical or judgemental.
In fact, when someone is curious about you, it's probably likely you feel loved, valued, known...just to name a few truths. And so that principle has always stuck with me. And the more I started to think about it, it reminded me that I learned that principle about 15 years ago in seminary by one of my favorite professors, Dr. Ray Anderson, who is now deceased. He told my class a beautiful story about he and his wife that I share in this podcast episode...a story which highlights the importance of curiosity in a relationship.
So in episode 66:
- I talk about when I first learned about curiosity and relationships from my professor Dr. Ray Anderson.
- I talk about the rule that we used to share with couples at the beginning of our marriage intensives that helped foster curiosity.
- I share why curiosity is such an important factor in all relationships, whether it be marriage, parent-child, colleague, friends, etc.
- I share some quotes on curiosity.
- I share some ideas how you can begin to practice and experiment with curiosity in your relationships this week.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode
The Hideaway Experience Marriage Intensives
Dr. Ray Anderson
Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Sandel
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke's quote on curiosity (i.e. questions)
Albert Einstein's quote on curiosity
Dr. Harville Hendrix's article on curiosity in marriage
In this episode I explore:
- the link between anger and depression.
- the different types of depression.
- different treatments for depression.
- reframing depression.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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Resources Mentioned in the Episode
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Health
NIMH: National Institute of Mental Health
ADAA: Anxiety and Depression Association of America
MAYO: Mayo Clinic
TWLOHA: To Write Love on Her Arms (self-harm, suicide)
I Just Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real
Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problems Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness by Archibald Hart
A Women’s Guide to Overcoming Depression by Archibald Hart and Catherine Hart Weber
A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives by Kelley Brogan M.D. and Kristin Loberg
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer
Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers by Rhett Smith
I've noticed over the last few months a growing anger and frustration within me. This has been very disheartening. Because I think if you were to ask my close friends and family, the word anger and frustration wouldn't typically be associated with me. But maybe that's my own lack of insight.
But in this time I've realized several things about what has been going on. One, I have been doing a horrible job of self-care, which leaves me little ability to regulate and manage my emotions in a healthy way. Two, my wife and I are in an incredibly challenging stage of life (like all of you), as we try to adjust to new challenges as our kids get older and work brings about a new level of busyness. Three, the most important lesson I've learned is not what I think of myself or how others may perceive me...but what those closest to me think. Those closest to me have the greatest experience with what my true self is in varying moments...and because of that, they are often on the front lines of helping me better understand myself, and acting as a barometer for my own negative coping behavior.
When I was in graduate school at Fuller Theological Seminary, one of my favorite professors and mentors, Dr. Ray Anderson reminded me that who we are (as a person) around those closest to us tells us a lot about who we are, and is a great indicator of our true selves in moments of struggle. Dr. Anderson reminded our class one day that if we wanted to know whether or not he possessed the fruit of the Spirit that the Apostle Paul writes about in Galatians 5:22-23, then we need to ask his wife and kids. They would be the best equipped at telling the truth on that matter.
So I am working hard on my own anger and frustration so that when people ask my wife and kids what I'm like, they will be able to point to Galatians 5:22-23.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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In this episode I explore:
- my recent struggle with anger and frustration.
- how I identified the feelings and emotions at the root of the anger.
- self-care as a tool to regulate emotions.
- the value of of close family and friends giving the most accurate feedback on our true selves.
- Dr. Ray Anderson's discussion on Galatians 5:22-23
I've been talking about Sabbath in the last couple of podcast episodes (Episode 61: Sabbath Rest and Your Identity, Episode 62: Sabbath Rest and Anxiety), and so I close the series in this episode talking about various practices. As I've come to learn more about Sabbath and practice various ways of being on that day, I realize that everyone's Sabbath may look differently. Ultimately, I believe the key is that Sabbath is a way of being, rather than doing, and so it's a day where we set aside our compulsion to have to do things, perform, be productive, etc, and we enjoy our relationship with God, others, and ourselves. In this episode I discuss:
- How to assess your busyness (i.e. "white space on the calendar").
- Setting a day to practice Sabbath.
- Setting a time for your Sabbath practice.
- Asking yourself questions about what a practice of being vs. doing would look like.
- Allowing for the fact that your Sabbath will look different than other peoples.
- Expecting resistance as you fight the culture of consumption and busyness.
- Etc.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast
Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann
Keeping the Sabbath Wholly: Ceasing, Resting, Embracing, Feasting by Marva J. Dawn
Living the Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight by Norman Wirzba
Sabbath: The Ancient Practices by Dan Allender
Sabbath Keeping Versus Margin Keeping Practices We Must Foster
Diagnosing Our Online Busyness So That We Can Live More Holistically
As I mentioned in my podcast last week (Sabbath Rest and Identity), I have been thinking a lot about the topic of Sabbath over the course of the last year. It seems that it comes up in more and more of my conversations, and it's absence in the lives of many people (especially evident in many of the clients I work with), lead to a lot struggles, conflict, and issues with anxiety and depression. And it's absence in my own life is the source (I believe) for much of the anxiety that I have struggled with.
For a period of time (I actually blogged about Sabbath about 5 and half years ago, and here almost 6 years ago). So in reality, I guess I have been thinking about this topic for a long time...but maybe I'm just now starting to take it seriously.
This seriousness began last year when I read Walter Brueggemann's powerful book, Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now.
Last week I focused more on how identity relates to Sabbath rest, and though I will talk about that again in this podcast, I focus more on the anxiety that happens when we are caught up in a culture of productivity. In Sabbath as Resistance, Brueggemann writes:
"There had been no work stoppage for the slaves, because they had to gather straw during their time off; no work stoppage of anybody in the Egyptian system, because frantic productivity drove the entire system. And now YHWH nullifies that entire system of anxious production. There are limits to how much and how long slaves must produce bricks! There are limits to how much food Pharaoh can store and consume and administer. The limit is set by the weekly work pause that breaks the production cycle. And those who participate in it break the anxiety cycle. They are invited to awareness that life does not consist in frantic production and consumption that reduces everyone else to threat and competitor. And as the work stoppage permits a waning of anxiety, so energy is redeployed to the neighborhood. The odd insistence of the God of Sinai is to counter anxious productivity with committed neighborliness. The latter practice does not produce so much; but it creates an environment of security and respect and dignity that redefines the human project." (Kindle Loc. 476, pp. 27)
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast
Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann
Living the Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight by Norman Wirzba
Sabbath: The Ancient Practices by Dan Allender
I have been thinking a lot about the topic of Sabbath over the course of the last year. It seems that it comes up in more and more of my conversations, and it's absence in the lives of many people (especially evident in many of the clients I work with), lead to a lot struggles, conflict, and issues with anxiety and depression. And it's absence in my own life is the source (I believe) for much of the anxiety that I have struggled with.
For a period of time (I actually blogged about Sabbath about 5 and half years ago, and here almost 6 years ago). So in reality, I guess I have been thinking about this topic for a long time...but maybe I'm just now starting to take it seriously.
This seriousness began last year when I read Walter Brueggemann's powerful book, Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now. In the book, Brueggemann writes:
"In our own contemporary context of the rat race of anxiety, the celebration of Sabbath is an act of both resistance and alternative. It is resistance because it is a visible insistence that our lives are not defined by the production and consumption of commodity good. Such an act of resistance requires enormous intentionality and communal reinforcement amid the barrage of seductive pressures from the insatiable insistences of the market, with its intrusion into every part of our life from the family to the national budget." Loc. 196 of 1231 (Kindle)
This is the first of approximately 3-4 podcasts I am going to do on the topic of Sabbath. And in this episode I explore:
- the context of Sabbath in the Exodus story
- God's freeing of Israel's identity from being one of production and performance, to one of rest and dependence in him.
- the ways in which we build our sense of identity around our busyness, production, performance, accomplishments, etc.
- Sabbath is a call to place our identity and sense of self in relationship to God who sustains and cares for us in our being, rather than in one that is dependent upon our control and doing.
- the lack of Sabbath as a producer of anxiety.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast
Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann
How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living by Rob Bell
Henri Nouwen
Over the course of the last 3 years I have really been experimenting with my diet. That is to day, I have been adding and subtracting certain foods that I consume, and then I pay attention to see what the results yield. And it's because of this experimentation that I have really been arriving at a place where I have noticed just how drastically the right food can improve my overall healthy, fitness and relationships.
I once heard someone say that change begins with what's on your plate. And without going into other ideas I have about that (especially theologically), I agree that as humans, what we put into our body affects so much of who we are and the experiences we have.
This started several years ago when I decided to just give skim milk up on a whim and switch over to almond milk. I haven't looked back as I noticed immediate changes in how I felt. It soon followed with giving up cheese, and then dairy. And then I started giving up more and more meat, and adding more and more vegetables. Somewhere along the way I introduced a daily green smoothie into the mix, and this last Lent I gave up meat for 55 days. All these experiments have impacted me in some very positive ways, and I have seen the ramifications in how my diet has affected my fitness (especially my running), my relationships (especially with my wife and kids), and just my overall health (I haven't been sick or had a cold in probably over 3 years).
So I'm interested to see what happens to your life when you begin to experiment with your diet. I'm not a licensed dietitian or medical doctor, so make sure you consult them first when making any changes that might negatively impact your health. But also realize that we are responsible to be good stewards of our lives, and that includes our physical bodies...so do the research because the information is everywhere. And then try eliminating and adding various things from your diet and see what happens.
In this episode:
- I explore the importance of being responsible for your food choices and health.
- I talk about my experience with giving up milk, cheese and then dairy.
- I talk about giving up meat for 55 days and what that experience was like.
- I talk about the importance of not getting bogged down and shaming yourself when you make bad food choices..but start again fresh the next day.
- I talk about how you can begin to experiment with your diet.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Mentioned in the Episode Rich Roll
Running is not new to this blog or podcast. In fact, I've done episodes on various aspects of running before (listen to Episode 20, Episode 25, and Episode 32.)
But a couple of things have changed since I last talked about running on the podcast. First, I am just about to complete my certification as a Level I Running Coach through the RRCA. I've been wanting to do this for a while and was so excited to take the course. I had a great time with the cohort. Second, one of the main reasons I wanted to get certified was so that I could bring that knowledge to some therapy running groups I am working on starting. Even though I have been running through years and feel that I can be helpful to runners when building a program...I really wanted the information and knowledge to do it in a way that just wasn't relying on my experience since every runner is different.
So, in this episode:
- I talk briefly about my coaching certification process.
- I share my desire to start therapy running groups in my practice.
- And I review the 4 key components of self-care that running engages.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
RRCA Coaching Certification
Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll
Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Ever Seen by Chistopher McDougall
Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek
Why We Run: A Natural History by Bernd Heinrich
Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner by Dean Karnazes
I've been thinking a lot recently about the struggle we have of living in the tension of things not coming to fruition as quickly as we would like. We live in a fast-paced culture that expects everything on demand...and quickly. But where the tension comes in is that the life of faith is not a life that can be obtained on demand, or often very quickly. God doesn't seem to concerned about doing things quickly, or on my time frame. God seems to work at a different pace than me...and that can create a lot of anxiety and impatience.
We may want things done in a day, but God has shown that sometimes the journey make take 40 years. Time and time again I'm struck by the fact that the journey for the Israelites from captivity in Egypt into the Promised Land was a essentially a 13 day journey...but it took 40 years. Often people will quote Jeremiah 29:11-12 to me (which is a wonderful passage), but I have to bring to attention that verse 10 reminds them they will spend 70 years in captivity first.
So God isn't in a hurry to accomplish things, and we have to begin to learn to live in the tension of our anxious impatience for things to be done quickly and in the way we want it to be done. In this episode I reflect on the varied journeys that God takes us on in our life, and as I do this I share some passages from my book The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Mentioned in this Episode
The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?
One of the more tricky aspects of working with adolescents is trying to discern at times what is "typical" teenage behavior, and what is depression. I mean most of us can remember back to our own teenage days where we experienced bouts of moodiness, irritability, and wanted to isolate ourselves from others, or at least our parents. And just because we experienced those things that didn't necessarily make us a candidate for a diagnosis of depression.
I wrote about this issue last year for the Fuller Youth Institute in an article called Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers. That article got a lot of attention, and it's such a big topic, that I'm currently working on another article for the Fuller Youth Institute on depression and adolescents...hence why I decided to do a podcast episode on this topic.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Mentioned in the Article
Fuller Youth Institute
Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers
National Institute of Mental Health -- Depression
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
DSM 5
Over the course of the last 3 months I have really been wrestling with the question of "how good of a listener am I?" I've always thought I was a good listener...I mean, my vocation is essentially to listen to people all day. But I'm sure my clients....and my wife, would tell you that I'm also a pretty active talker. I am pretty open and share a lot with people. But honestly, how well do I listen?
This question all came about when I started reading Adam McHugh's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's book really challenged me on this question of my listening ability. Because what I realized after reading his book, is that most of us are not that great of listeners. We may think we are, but at the end of the day there are so many ways we can grow in this area. I interviewed Adam on this topic in Episode 51 of this podcast. And after reading the book and talking with him, I really set out to become a better listener...and to continue to really grow in this area of my life.
One of the benefits of becoming aware of this issue, is that I started to think of creative way that I could help my clients become better listeners in their own lives. And so over the course of the last few months I have been encouraging people in relationships...specifically couples that I see, and parent child relationships that I work with...to try out what I call the 3 Day Listening Exercise. It's actually fairly simple in its mechanics, but difficult for many in practice.
Here's what it looks like in a simple breakdown:
- When I notice relationships having a hard time listening to each other, and even greater difficulty in validating one another so that they feel heard, I have been recommending this exercise.
- I ask couples to schedule 3 days of listening: That involves picking a 10 minute time each day, for 3 consecutive days...to work on this exercise. For example: "Let's schedule 8:30pm on Tuesday night; 8:30 on Wednesday night; 9:00pm on Thursday night." Something like this. And I urge couples to make it a priority by putting it on the calendar. Scheduling it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously pursues engagement, and it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously avoids engagement.
- Day 1: Designate one person the listener, and the other the speaker. The listener's job is only to do that...LISTEN. Don't think of a rebuttal; or a defense; or a question to ask; don't finish the speaker's sentences. Do everything you can to just listen and really hear what is being said. This also involves watching how you posture yourself, your facial gestures, etc...as those can communicate as much about whether or not you are listening. And avoid any of what John Gottman describes as the 4 Horsemen which are conversation killer...really they are relationship killers. The speaker's job is to talk to the listener about something they want the listener to really get about them; to understand about them. Often I ask the speaker to just "share their heart" with the listener. I ask, "What do you want your spouse/child/parent/friend to really know about you?" Sometimes the exercise is used to talk about one topic (i.e. money, sex, work, parenting, etc.), but often I just use it get couples to begin to really practice listening to each other. Don't get too caught up on what to talk about...it's really about figuring out what you want that person to understand about you. And as the speaker, your job is to communicate in as effective a way to get the listener to really get you. So it's not a time for the speaker to blame, or to criticize, or abuse the space the listener is giving them.
- Once you have done this, then set a timer for 10 minutes. Yes, don't skip this step. Structure is important, especially for relationships that have a hard time emotionally regulating. And the more structure you practice, the more capable you will be in using more freedom later in conversations.
- Then start the timer and go. Once the timer goes off...that's it! No extra conversation. No questions. Nothing. It's important to learn to sit in that anxiety of not being able to respond, and to work on regulating your emotion. So when it's over, go back to what you were doing.
- Day 2: This is a repeat of Day 1, but you switch roles. Do the same thing as Day 1.
- Again..it's important to remember that this exercise is effective in that it stretches out conversation, helping people in relationships better understand each other; helps regulate emotion; helps people learn to sit in the anxiety of the unfinished conversation for now.
- Day 3: On day 3 you are going to do something different. You are going to set the timer for 15 minutes and now enter into a dialogue about what you heard each other say the last two days. This is really an opportunity to validate and affirm the other person, rather than an opportunity to talk more about yourself and what you want to share. One can really tell after watching couples do this, who is really interested in listening to each other...and who is really more concerned about just defending their positions, etc.
- The beauty in the 3 days is that it teaches patience in the listening process, and it creates a beautiful space in the relationship that tells the speaker, I want you to be heard and known. And the listener demonstrates the love and care they have for the speaker by creating a silent space to take in everything that speaker is saying.
That's the exercise in a few simple steps. I recommend that couples, friends, parent/child, co-workers, not only do this one time, but that they repeat this exercise weekly, time and time again. Enough times that they eventually create a great habit that turns into a real natural way of communicating with one another. And I believe that if relationships practice this enough, they will see an increase in their emotional regulation and the feeling of being heard and understood. Give it a try and let me know what you think.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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People and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
Adam McHugh
The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction
This last weekend I had one of the greatest experiences I have ever had...and that was being able to co-lead a marriage workshop with my wife Heather. Over the last 10 years I have had the opportunity to lead a lot of marriage retreats, conferences, workshops, give talks, etc...but this was the first time I have teamed up with my wife. And I absolutely loved co-leading with her and am looking forward to other opportunities we will have in the future to do this.
It was out of this context though that I gained some more insight into something that I have been thinking about for a few months. And it was only reaffirmed through the many questions that couples had this weekend.
And it is this. I think that for many of us, especially in relationships...when something doesn't work we scramble to find the next thing that will fix our problem. We look for another counselor that is practicing from a different model. We try a new listening technique. We go on vacation to a new place. But all of these things are really distractions from the most essential thing.
And what is the most essential thing?
The most essential thing I have come to learn is practice. We can have all the insight in the world, but unless we actually put it into continuous practice...it never takes root, and we continue to repeat the behavior we have been wanting to change. All of us are looking for the shiny silver bullet that is going to fix things. But in reality, if often comes down to the fact that we have the exact tool we need in front of us...but we just have to use it. And use it over and over and over again.
One of my favorite tools which I have talked about a lot on earlier podcasts is the Pain and Peace Cycle...but it's a tool that has to be practiced over and over again. It's through the practice of this too that safe connection is created in a relationship. And that leads to change. Here are some podcasts where I have talked about this model and the practice of it:
- Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle
- 4 steps to Practice
- Fostering "usness" in Relationships
- Using the Pain and Peace Cycle to Create Differentiation
And as my wife and co-led the retreat this weekend and shared our story, I realized just how much work we had put into practicing this tool over the last 5 years. What would have happened if we didn't practice it and looked for something else to fix things? Well, we wouldn't be where we are today. I'm thankful for the hard work and practice we put into this model, and I encourage you to put in the hard work and practice on whatever you are working on in your relationships. When you hit conflict or resistance....keep practicing. And it will be through your practice in the conflict and resistant that will lead to change.
In this episode:
- I talk about the opportunity I had to co-lead a marriage retreat with my wife.
- I discus our tendency as people in relationships to always be looking for the next tool to fix things.
- I discuss the importance of practice and how practice leads to proficiency.
- I encourage you to think about the one thing you can practice over and over again to create change in your life, relationships, work, etc.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Terry Hargrave
Sharon Hargrave
Restoration Therapy
Marriage Strong
The Hideaway Experience
I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog...so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.
I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano...as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one's self, relationships and organizations.
This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.
So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.
At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.
So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.
In this episode we explore:
- Terry's journey into the field of marriage and family therapy.
- Terry's interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker.
- Terry's early training and work in the contextual family therapy model.
- what the Restoration Therapy model is.
- Terry's development of the Restoration Therapy model.
- the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships.
- 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness.
- the Pain Cycle.
- the Peace Cycle.
- the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model.
- mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model.
- the importance of practice in creating change.
- and more.....
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Terry Hargrave
Contextual Family Therapy
Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi
Jay Haley
Carl Whitaker
Restoration Therapy Training
Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave
5 Days to a New Marriage
The Hideaway Experience
Dan Siegel
John Gottman,couples, and emotional regulation
Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.
Fuller Theological Seminary changed my life, so it's probably not a surprise that you see me talking about the seminary so much. Fuller was and is an amazing community of people who provide a safe place for someone to wrestle with the big questions of faith. Fuller challenged me to think about my faith, rather than just tell me how to think. But they also provided the boundaries to work that out in a loving community who loves Jesus Christ. I tell you all of this because I'm continually astounded by the work that they continue to do, the graduates that come out of there, and the professors and administration that guide them. And Fuller Youth Institute is no exception.
Under the direction of Kara Powell, Brad Griffin, and many others, FYI is the premier place that continues to research and provide resources to families on a large number of topics. I am constantly referring clients and colleagues to their website as it's one of the best places at the intersection of youth, families, faith, justice and technology.
In this episode I had the opportunity to sit down with Brad Griffin who is the Associate Director of FYI, and who over the years I have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with. Ironically enough, Brad and I have only met one time in person several years ago. But over the years he has been my main encouragement and editor on the many articles that I have written for FYI. Brad, you made my articles sound great...thank you. In this episode we cover a lot of ground. There were so many more things I wanted to be able to discuss with Brad, so I will definitely have him back on the podcast. But we covered a lot around the intersection of faith, families and technology, while focusing a lot on the pressure kids experience in our culture with the overscheduling of their lives.
But in this episode we explore:
- the work of Fuller Youth Institute
- the Sticky Faith research and curriculum
- the epidemic of overscheduling kid's lives.
- youth and sports.
- NCAA latest report on youth and the specialization of kids in one sport.
- the transmission of faith in families.
- how we can successfully navigate the use of technology in families.
- and so much more....
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Fuller Youth Institute
Sticky Faith
Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World
Denise Pope's Research at Stanford
Race to Nowhere
Beyond Measure
Wendy Mogel
Madeline Levine
Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down across Generations by Vern Bengston
NCAA Survey Sheds Light on Athletes' Youth Sports Experience
"How do you get so much stuff done?"
That's one of the questions that I get quite a bit. Sometimes the comment comes from colleagues who wonder how I have a busy practice and still find time to write, blog, podcast, speak, teach, train for a 50 mile run, etc. And sometimes it comes from family members who wonder how I balance out all the things I do in my work, personal and family life. Though it's encouraging to hear those comments and think that I accomplish a lot, the truth is...I always feel like I'm behind. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. And I always feel like I could be less distracted, more disciplined, and productive.
But maybe that's more of my own issues coming up that I will have to work through with my therapist anyways. But the question is posed to me enough times that I have recently begun to reflect more on it. And I started wondering, "How do I get all the things done that others are seeing." And so for the last couple of weeks I have been reflecting on that question and wanted to share with you some of my insights. A lot of what I share in the podcast is probably not totally new to you. It's not earth shattering insight. Rather, it's what has helped me on this journey to clear distractions and focus on what is really important to me. And at the end of the day, productivity is not just about doing more, it's about creating the things I want to do...and if I'm constantly distracted and unfocused, I just won't be able to do those things.
In this episode I explore:
- the cost of distractions in our lives and how long it takes to regain focus.
- getting rid of cable TV and how that changed everything.
- eliminating news, sports and social media apps from my phone.
- some key ways to rearrange apps on your phone to maximize focus and cut down on mindless distractions.
- eliminating notifications on your computer and phone.
- how I am using the reading of longer and deeper works of writing to help me rewire my brain to achieve more focus.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
How Long It Takes to Get Back on Track After a Distraction
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
I have been looking forward to having this conversation for a long time with my good friend Adam McHugh. Interestingly enough, Adam and I have known each other online for approximately 10 years, but have only met each other one time in person. But talking with Adam is pretty easy (not only because he's a good listener, he is super thoughtful and reflective in his responses), so I enjoyed this sprawling conversation on the topic of Adam's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's first book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, was a game changer for me, especially in not only helping me better understand myself (I am a borderline E/I in the Myers Briggs), but how important the role of introversion is in our faith communities.
Adam's new book has also been a game changer for me as well. So much so, that I have been referring it relentlessly to clients in my therapy practice, and quoting passages of it as well in session. It's definitely one of the best books I have read in a long time, and it has really shifted my perspective on listening. Not only did I realize that I am not as good of a listener as I thought I was, but it really showed me all the potential growth that lays ahead of me in this area. And honestly, I found that super exciting. To know that I can grow in this area and continue to transform the relationships that I am in is compelling. I cruised through the book in a couple of weeks and already started implementing new listening practices in my own life, as well as helping my clients work towards becoming better listeners in their relationships.
In this episode we explore:
- why Adam decided to write a book on listening.
- the role that Adam's work as a chaplain and pastor had in shaping him into a better listener.
- how we aren't as good of listeners as we think we are.
- the translation of a "listening heart" in 1 Kings 3:9.
- some suggestions for better listening.
- obstacles to good listening such as technology.
- the overwhelming amount of times that listening is mentioned in the Old and New Testaments.
- the awareness that is created when we listen to people's pain and track our own feelings/emotions and coping behavior.
- a new listening exercise that I have been using with couples.
- and much, much more.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh
The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction by Adam McHugh
Listening to People in Pain by Adam McHugh (at Conversations Journal)
Quiet Revolution
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading by Eugene Peterson
Every year as we turn the calendar from one year to the next, people are strategizing what goals they want to achieve for the year ahead. For years I used to make a list of "New Year's Resolutions" for myself, sometimes 30-60 items deep. But what would inevitably happen is that the moment I started falling behind on one of the resolutions, or I missed a day or two of working on them...I would feel down, like a failure, and I would just stop working on them. Some I would still stick with, but since I felt like a failure I would just wait and push those other resolutions off another year. You may even do this yourself.
So in the last couple of years I have been just focusing on one to two goals for the entire year, rather than this long list of resolutions, and that seems to have shifted things for me. Last year I focused on one main goal which was training for and running my first every 50 mile trail run...which I did accomplish with the support of my family and friends.
And what ultimately shifted things for me in this area of life was something I read in the book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg. If you haven't read it, check it out as it's a great book. But more than anything, one particular area of his work stood out to me. In the book he talks about the power of "keystone habits." These habits are the habits that if you do them they tend to set off a chain reaction of habits or movements in other areas of your life. In some ways, achieving a "keystone habit" will catalyze habits in other areas. In the podcast I describe it this way. A "keystone habit" for me is getting up early to work out. When I get up early to work out I have more energy for the day, my body feels better, I feel more alert, I tend to eat better throughout the day, drink more water, am more engaged with people, etc. So that one habit triggers other healthy habits for me. With this in mind I realized that all my training last year for the Palo Duro 50 Miler spawned a lot of other awesome habits for me. And then when I achieved the goal I had been working for, that shifted a lot of other things in my life helping me achieve other goals that I wasn't necessarily focusing all my energy on.
My "keystone habit" last year was running. That changed so many other things for me. But I also realize that my keystone goal (the 50 mile race) also changed so many things for me. So in this podcast I explore "keystone habits" which Duhigg writes so eloquently on, but I also talk about keystone goals, which I haven't really heard anyone else talk about before (but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist).
In this Episode I explore:
- the topic of self-care and it's 4 core areas; I discussed this in Episode 1 of this podcast.
- the concept of "keystone habits" by Charles Duhigg.
- the idea of creating keystone goals.
- my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my physical life.
- my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my emotional/relational life.
- my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my mental life.
- my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my spiritual life.
- what it would look like for you to use "keystone habits" and keystone goals to achieve success in your personal self-care this year.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg
Palo Duro Trail Run
Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.
So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.
In this episode I talk about when to see a therapist and what to expect:
- The importance of having a safe and non-judgmental place/person to discuss your anxiety with.
- The importance of seeing an opportunity for growth in your anxiety.
- The importance of a plan to help with your anxiety.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the PodcastThe Anxious Christian by Rhett SmithBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care for Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian,and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics. #marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.
So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.
In this episode I discuss a variety of tools and exercises to help with your anxiety:
- The importance of proper breathing to help regulate anxiety.
- How journaling can help you externalize your anxiety.
- Why self-care is so important in the regulating of anxiety.
- Etc. (see the above podcast where I talk about these tools at length (Episode 16).
Resources Mentioned in the PodcastThe Anxious Christian by Rhett SmithBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care for Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian,and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.
marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.
So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.
In this episode I want to help you grow from your anxiety:
- I explore how anxiety gives us an opportunity to grow in our lives.
- I talk about how the Bible stories are implicit with anxiety in the journey to follow after God, and how anxiety keeps us in pursuit.
- I want to encourage you to see your anxiety differently.
Resources Mentioned in the PodcastThe Anxious Christian by Rhett SmithBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care for Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.#marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.
So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.
In this episode I want to explore two things:
- What are the roots of your anxiety?
- What would it look like for you to take an honest look at your anxiety to better understand it?
Resources Mentioned in the PodcastThe Anxious Christian by Rhett SmithBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care for Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics. #marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it.Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.
So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.
In this episode I want to impart to you two things:
- It's okay to be anxious. You are not alone.
- What anxiety looks and feels like, and what the numbers are in terms of anxiety and the population.
Resources Mentioned in the PodcastThe Anxious Christian by Rhett SmithBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care for Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.
marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, Texas, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of families. And in working with a lot of families I get the chance to see the varying parenting styles that different parents use. So in this episode I want to focus on four different parenting styles that I think are the most common (at least in my experience), and to encourage you to think about whether or not you struggle with any of them. The truth is, none of us are perfect parents...it just doesn't exist. But at least we can become more aware of what styles we use that might be destructive, therefore, helping us make efforts to change some of them.
As I mention in the podcast, none of us are perfect parents, and we all struggle with different styles of destructive parenting (whether or not it's listed below). Sometimes we struggle with all of them. The one I struggle with the most is the "helicopter" parenting style -- which almost seems ludicrous when I think about it. How did I, who was raised with lots of freedom by Baby Boomer parents, become so overprotective. Some of it has to do with my pain cycle that I talked about in episodes last week. For example, because of the death of my mom at age 11, I tend to feel secure by taking control of certain things...myself...situations...and sigh....my kids. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but I think understanding our pain cycle is helpful in understanding how that may influence our parenting.
So as you listen to my struggle in the podcast, hopefully you will realize that you aren't alone in your destructive parenting styles. But hopefully the realization can lead to positive change.
In this episode I explore:
- four different, destructive parenting styles that I come into contact a lot in my counseling office.
- 1) passive or disengaged, parenting style
- 2) "helicopter" parent, parenting style
- 3) vicarious living, parenting style
- 4) busyness or activity driven, parenting style
- these four different, destructive parenting styles, and some ways to combat them
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.
marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093
This last week I have spent some time talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship.
In today's episode I want to tie all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like. In this episode I share the concept of differentiation from some literary writings of Rainer Maria Rilke and Kahlil Gibran. I also look at how renowned sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch defines it. As well as looking at the concept from well known therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman.
In this episode I explore:
- the concept of differentiation
- Bohemian-Austrian Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughts on differentiation in relationships/marriage
- Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran's thoughts on differentiation in marriage
- Sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch's thoughts on differentiation in committed relationships
- boundaries and differentiation in the work of Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book Boundaries
- Paul's words in Galatians 6:2-5
- Therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman's thoughts on differentiation and leadership.
Resources Mentioned in this PodcastRestoration Therapy Terry Hargrave
Marriage Strong
Sharon Hargrave
Rainer Maria Rilke
Kahlil Gibran David Schnarch
Henry Cloud
John Townsend
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Edwin Friedman
Galatians 6:2-5
A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff...and more.
In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as "usness." In this episode I talk about this created "usness" and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of "usness", I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.
I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can't solve issues if you don't feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of "usness." And as that "usness" develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes...just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.
In this episode I explore:
- the concept of "usness"
- 7 steps to solving your problems/issues:
- identify and externalize the problem/issue
- walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle
- brainstorm options/solutions
- narrow down options/solutions
- set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions
- choose an option/solution (win-win)
- schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon Hargrave
This week I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle found in the work of Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle have transformed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work.
So in this episode I want to teach you how to use the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model to help you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle. I love the simplicity of the model in helping people create change, but like any long lasting, transformative change, it takes practice. And I find steps to be helpful guard rails to keep people along the path as they seek change. Often in conflict, people are in fight or flight mode, and so their ability to make good decisions can become limited. But if you have steps to help you in the midst of the conflict, they can be a great tool to bring order out of chaos.
In this episode I explore:
- review of the Pain Cycle
- review of the Peace Cycle
- the 4 steps:
- Step 1: Say what you feel
- Step 2: Say what you normally do
- Step 3: Say your truth
- Step 4: Say what you will do differently
Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon HargraveThe Hideaway Experience
In the previous podcast episode I talked about just how life transforming the Pain and Peace Cycle work have been to my life both personally and relationally. Ever since I learned these tools when I went on staff at The Hideaway Experience in 2010 I have continued to use them in all the work I do. I use them with clients. I use them with church staff. I use them with corporate organizations. And in all cases I see lives being transformed and I get good feedback about them.
The Pain and Peace Cycle were created by Terry Hargrave and can be found in his book Restoration Therapy where he talks at length and in depth about this model. Because I have found this model and these tools to be so helpful, I spent this last year in training with Terry Hargrave and became a Level II Certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.
So in the previous episode I talk about the Pain Cycle, and in this episode I want to focus on the Peace Cycle. If the Pain Cycle is the negative pattern we create over time between our feelings and coping, then the Peace Cycle is about the positive pattern we create over time between our truth and actions. These two patterns comprise a different way of being in relationship with yourself and others. It's simply one of the best models out there, especially for couples and marriage.
In this episode I explore:
- what the Peace Cycle consists of
- what it means to connect to your truth
- how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
- 3 sources of finding our truth
- what it means to act out of your truth
- how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
- theological examples of being in a Peace Cycle
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon HargraveThe Hideaway ExperienceMark 1:9-11Genesis 32-33Henri Nouwen
One of the tools that has changed my life in such an amazing way...that at times it's really hard to explain...is learning the Pain and Peace Cycle in the work of Terry Hargrave in his Restoration Therapy model. In fact, in Episode 21 of this podcast I talked about how it can change your life, your relationships, as well as church organizations and corporations. In fact, I have taught the Pain and Peace Cycle in all these settings and see it do just that...change lives.
So this week I wanted to dive in a bit more deep on this topic, but in a short manner. The reason, I get a lot of people contacting me about what the Pain and Peace Cycle is. They see me write about it, post about it on social media, or they might have heard me speak about it in person. But it's something I definitely talk a lot about in my work. I believe in it because I have experienced it first hand.
So this week I decided to put out a few episodes focusing on the Pain Cycle, the Peace Cycle, and how to practice it.
Today, I talk about the Pain Cycle and how you becoming aware of your own will change your life. It will change your life on both an individual and relational level.
In this episode I explore:
- Violations of Love and Trust
- How Violations of Love and Trust create your negative pattern of coping known as the Pain Cycle.
- What the Pain Cycle is
- How to identify the feelings in your Pain Cycle
- How to identify the coping behavior in your Pain Cycle
If you want to work through this at home, here is the initial Pain Cycle homework that I give my clients and others to work through. It's a pretty simple sheet to work on, so check it out:
Identifying and Practicing Your ‘Pain Cycle’
Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Marriage Strong Sharon Hargrave The Hideaway Experience
I have tried over the years to do a better job of giving thanks daily and living in gratitude. But like many of you I struggle. It would seem that I would have starts and stops, and then I would get excited about it again when a holiday like Thanksgiving rolled around to remind me about the importance of giving thanks.
But this is something that I know is important. The letters of Paul in the New Testament are filled with this idea of being thankful and giving thanks. I particularly like the Greek word for eucharist that Paul uses. The word means to literally give thanks and to be thankful (among other things), but also embedded in the word is the concept of grace coming from the Greek word charis (English translisteration/spelling). So eucharist is both an acknowledgment of what we are thankful for in the act of giving thanks, but it's also a recognition of the grace of God in our lives. I think giving thanks and living in gratitude is about both....being thankful and experiencing the working out of God's grace. Now it's been 16 years since I studied Greek and the finer points of my Koine Greek scholarship may be a bit rusty...but I think this view of eucharist is really important to our lives.
About two years ago I noticed that most of the people I listened to on podcasts, and the books I was reading, and the videos I was watching...there was a common thread. And the common thread was the importance of a daily practice of being thankful and living in gratitude for all these people. What was even more interesting was that this practice was a common thread across all kinds of factor such as race, gender, faith/non-faith background, socioeconomic status, etc. Everyone I was coming across was talking about how important this practice was to their lives. In fact, it was such a huge factor that despite circumstances, being thankful and living in gratitude changed the trajectory of their day, and of their life.
This may seem like common sense, especially from someone who grew up in the Church around the tradition of eucharist (communion, Lord's supper, etc.), and who is taught to give thanks in all circumstances. But knowing something and living it out are two different things. So this last January I asked for the Five Minute Journal for my birthday, and the beginning question in the journal is to name 3 things you are thankful for. This began my more disciplined practice this last year of daily looking to be thankful, living in gratitude, and experiencing the grace of God in my life.
In this episode I explore:
- the meaning of eucharist as both a giving of thanks and receiving of God's grace.
- ways to practice giving thanks and being grateful.
- journaling our thankfulness; verbalizing our thankfulness; creating a thankfulness tree.
- something you can practice this week.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Five Minute Journal
The Bible
Hanging out at our Strong Marriage training in Malibu, CA.
This last week my wife and I spent two days training with Sharon Hargrave in her Marriage Strong curriculum. There were several reasons why we wanted to attend the training: 1) We know how much working through our Pain and Peace Cycle has transformed our own marriage; 2) We have a desire to lead these groups in our neighborhood, community, and at workshops and conferences; and I in my practice. 3) I absolutely love the work of Terry and Sharon Hargrave.
In 2010 my colleague and good friend Todd Sandel started telling me about these amazing 4 day marriage intensives taking place at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas. After going up and sitting in a few of these marriage intensives, I eventually went on staff as one of the therapists, and helped co-lead marriage intensives there until 2014 when I eventually stepped off staff because of time constraints with my own practice and family life. It was here that I learned about the Pain and Peace Cycle through the 5 Days to a New Marriage model developed by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever for The Hideaway. I put this model to work fairly quickly in my own marriage...and it was then that a radical shift took place that has helped us really transform our marriage into what it is today.
I then went back to my therapy practice and began using this model not only with couples, but also individual clients and I saw people's lives dramatically change. It was through these experiences that I came to realize and really believe in the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle, and I wanted to do everything I could to become a better practitioner of it. So this last year I spent time training with the founder of the Pain and Peace Cycle, Marriage and Family Therapy pioneer, Terry Hargrave. Through my training with him I officially became a Level II certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.
I have used this work with individuals, couples, families, church staffs, corporate managers and directors...and I have seen it transform people in all of these areas.
So when my wife and I had the chance to go train in Marriage Strong which has Restoration Therapy as it's foundational piece, we jumped at the opportunity.
We had a great weekend learning more about each other and talking about how we can intentionally continue to improve our marriage. As we spent time doing this I came to realize that there are a certain number of skills that I think if couples practice, they would benefit greatly from...they would see their marriage shift in some really positive directions.
So in this podcast I took all of my training that I've learned at The Hideaway Experience, Restoration Therapy, Marriage Strong, and other things that I've learned and developed along the way as a clinician...and I boiled it down to 5 skills. Of course there are a lot of varying skills couples can practice, but instead of always looking for that "silver bullet" to fix everything in a marriage, I think more couples need to really focus on a few skills and just practice...practice...practice...practice...practice. You get the point. Marriages grow and become strong through practice, not through some shiny or sexy new skill that will fix everything.
So in this episode I talk about these 5 skills:
- identifying and practicing awareness around your negative pattern of interaction made up of your feelings and coping (Pain Cycle).
- taking responsibility for yourself (your Pain Cycle) and learning to emotionally regulate yourself, rather than expecting your spouse to.
- identifying and developing your positive pattern of interaction made up of your truth and action (Peace Cycle)
- learning how to problem solve out of your Peace Cycle.
- fostering your sense of "usness" in the marriage.
Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode
Marriage Strong The Hideaway Experience 5 Days to a New Marriage Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Sharon Hargrave Todd Sandel LifeGate Group Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Using the Restoration Therapy Model to Transform You, Your Relationships, Churches, Organizations, and Corportations
Imagine you are in a room and two different type of men walk in. One is encouraging, inspiring and vulnerable. He's not just there physically, but he has shown up emotionally as well. He's connected to those around him. And because he shows up this way, others will feed off that and grow. He's what I call a life-giving man. But the other man is there only physically, not emotionally. He's not connected to those around him. He tends to be critical, lives in fear, and is often quick to anger or be impatient. He's someone who sucks the life out of those around him...the total opposite of a life-giving man.
In this episode I share briefly this idea of life-giving man which I have written about extensively, but I also dive into 3 important messages that life-giving men communicate to those around them. In this episode I talk a lot about the father/son relationship, but just because you may not have a son, there are probably other men in your life that need you to be a life-giver. And if you are woman listening to this episode, then I talk about the importance of having this insight into the men in your life.
In my book What it Means to be a Man, I quote a passage from Richard Rohr's book, The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality. In this quote you get an essence of these two very different men.
"When a father tells a child that he can do something, he can do it. I don't know why that is, except to say that there is some mysterious energy that passes from the male to his children. It is some sort of creative energy that can make things be when they are not, and without which things cannot come to be. When male energy is absent, creation does not happen, either in the human soul or in the world. Nurturance happens, support and love perhaps, but not that new 'creation out of nothing' that is the unique prerogative associated with the masculine side of God...Without the father's energy, there is a void, an emptiness in the soul which nothing but that kind of energy can fill. I have seen it in too many people, men especially. It is a hollow yearning that feeds on praise incessantly and is never satisfied. It is a black hole that sucks in reward after reward and is never brightened by it. It becomes a nesting place of demons--of self-doubt, fear, mistrust, cynicism, and rage. And it becomes the place from which those demons fly out to devour others."
In this episode we explore:
- what a life-giving man is and isn't.
- the three questions that a father "needs" to communicate to his son according to Larry Crabb in his book The Silence of Adam.
- how men can use those three questions to be life-givers to those around them.
- how to look for opportunities to be a life-giving man in your relationships whether in marriage, parenting, the work place, etc.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith
The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World Full of Chaos by Larry Crabb, Don Michael Hudson, Al Andrews
The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality by Richard Rohr and Joseph Markos
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
Derek Redmond and his inspiring 1992 Olympic run. (In my podcast episode I mistakenly referred to his Olympic run as being in Seoul in 1988, rather than in Barcelona 1992).
In the last episode (Rhett Smith Podcast 34: Nine Practices and Disciplines That Will Help You Transform Your Morning Routine) I talked at length about my morning routine and the nine disciplines and practices that accompany (on most good days). But in that episode I didn't address a couple of very important issues, even though after I recorded it I was thinking that I had missed talking about some things.
But a couple of people contacted me to ask if I had any thoughts or suggestions on the morning routine in various stages of life...most specifically with an infant, or young kids in the house. And the other great question was how to you navigate maintaining your own morning routine in a relationship with a person who also has/wants to have their own morning routine as well? One that wasn't mentioned, but that I thought of as I was recording this follow up was single parents and the difficulty then often have maintaining a morning routine.
So in this short episode I address these issues:
- how to navigate the morning routine with infants or kids in the house.
- the importance of acknowledging the stage of life you are in and making allowances for that.
- how to explore, support and encourage the morning routine of your partner.
- what does self-care in a morning routine look like for a single parent.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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It seems to me that how I start my day off...especially the first 1-2 hours, often dictates how the rest of my day goes, or to what degree I will navigate the ups and downs of it successfully. And I’m not alone in thinking this. It’s not surprising that many of the podcasts I listen to often ask their guests what their morning routines or rituals look like (i.e. Tim Ferriss, Rich Roll, Lewis Howes, etc.). They do this because they know that a lot of research both statistical and anecdotal point to the fact that how we start our morning plays a big part in how are days go.
As a life long night owl this has been a really hard reality for me to not only wrap my head around, but actually come around to practicing it. But if a 12am-2am’er such as myself can go to bed by 11pm so he can start his day off right the next morning..then maybe that tells you all you need to know about how important our morning routines are.
I have by no means mastered my morning, and I really doubt I ever will. Because life is life, and sometimes it gets complicated and busy. But I can tell you this. I have worked really hard over the last several years to experiment with and implement different disciplines and practices into my life to see not only how they would affect my morning routine, but to really test out if becoming a morning person was all that important.
And after much trial and error I’ve come up with 9 disciplines and practices that I use pretty regularly in my morning routine. The routine is not perfect, but more often than not when I’m hitting on all cylinders, these 9 practices are evident in my daily morning routine (even as I write this post for the podcast I did have 8 of the 9 disciplines present in my morning routine -- Headspace didn't happen today -- that tends to be the one I trade off with the journal). And even when I’m not running on all cylinders, you can find me practicing most of these disciplines on a daily basis.
The good news is that after much experimentation and practice with one discipline at a time, I was slowly able to add another one, create a habit, till eventually most of my morning routine is less of a laborious conscious effort, and one that has developed into a nice flow and rhythm in my day.
In this episode I will explore my 9 practices and disciplines that embody my first few hours of my day...my morning routine:
- Body Movement (running, lifting weights, yoga, stretching, cycling, swimming, etc.)
- Listening to podcasts that inspire growth and challenge beliefs.
- Avoid the consumption of technology that dictates my day rather than keeps me from creating (email, news feeds, social media feeds, etc.) for the first 1-4 hours of my day.
- Make the bed.
- Make a green smoothie
- Connect with my wife and kids.
- Do the Five-Minute Journal
- Use the Headspace app
- Prayer
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Links and Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Rich Roll Podcast
Lewis Howes' podcast The School of Greatness
Tim Ferriss' Podcast
On Being Pocast with Krista Tippett
The Five-Minute Journal
Headsapce
5 Morning Rituals That Help Me Win the Day (Tim Ferriss in this podcast episode talks about his morning routine and the importance of making the bed)
What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast (Success Magazine)
The Morning Routines of the Most Successful People (Fast Company Magazine)
My Green Smoothie Recipe (This is the typical green smoothie I make each morning, though I will change things up. You have to adjust to your own liking, but this is my typical measurements for two people. By the way, I'm known to not really measure things, but this is what I typically aim for. If there is a brand we typically, and consistently use, I mention it here. And I use a Vitamix which creates a great consistency: Coconut Almond Milk (2 cups, Califia), Plant Based Vanilla Protein Powder (1.5 scoops, Garden of Life Raw Meal), Maca Powder (1 tbsp, Navitas Naturals Organic Maca Gelatinized Powder), Chia Seeds (1 tbsp, Nutiva Organic Black Chia Seeds), Hemp Hearts (1tbsp, Manitoba Harvest Hemp Hearts Raw Shelled Hemp Seeds), Kale, Spinach, Dates (3 pitted dates), Goji Berries (1/2 cup of berries), 1 tsp of Spirulina, 1 Banana, 1-2 cups of Ice.
Here is the video on shot on my morning routine about 7 months ago. In it I talk about The Five-Minute Journal and Headspace
There are two stories in the Bible that have gripped my imagination for the last 5-6 years. One is the story of Jesus at his baptism, specifically in the gospel of Mark 1:9-11, which records the voice of God the Father in Heaven declaring to his son Jesus (while the Spirit is descending like a dove), "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Here is the passage:
9 At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. 10 Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. 11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” (NIV)
The other story is found in Genesis 32-33 and records the story of Jacob as he prepares to be reunited with his estranged brother Esau. In earlier years jacob had stolen Esau's birthright and blessing and is now preparing to meet up with again...with some fear and trembling I might add. I am fascinated by the story of Jacob wrestling with God. I am fascinated with this scene:
24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[f] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[g] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[h] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.
But what is really fascinating to me is the ensuing encounter that Jacob has with Esau after he has wrestled with God. There is a beautiful play on the word for eyes in Hebrew, and a very beautiful encounter of not only seeing God face to face, but seeing his brother Esau face to face. Both of these stories are examples of a person being and living out of their Truth, and therefore, they lend insight to us about what that might look like for us to be and live in our Truth in our lives.
Identifying, acknowledging, being, and living out of your Truth is a hard task for most people that I know. Many feel they don't know or have a Truth, while others struggle to practice and access it in their daily lives. The reality is, is that living in our Truth is not a work of perfection, or arriving at it permanently, but rather an ongoing struggle to believe and live beyond ourselves. For when we do this, not only are we transformed, but so are our relationships.
In this episode I explore:
- what it means to be in our Truth
- Jesus' baptism and the model it presents for being in our Truth
- Jacob wrestling with God and what it teaches us about being in our Truth
- how being in our Truth impacts not only us, but our relationships
- 3 sources for finding our Truth
- Henri Nouwen and his book, In the Name of Jesus
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Henri Nouwen and In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership
Henri Nouwen and Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World
Genesis 32 and 33
Mark 1:9-11
Restoration Therapy
This last week was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I'm still processing it and will for much time to come. But as I talked about in Episode 30 of this podcast, I set out last February to redefine my success as showing up, rather than just achieving a goal. And in order to do that I set my sights on a monumental goal for myself that held a high risk of failure. So I signed up for the Palo Duro 50 Mile Trail Run in the Palo Duro Canyon outside of Amarillo, TX.
Well that goal came to fruition on Saturday after I crossed the finish line of the 50 mile race in 11 hours and 48 minutes. It was a long, lonely day at many points, but I learned some really important lessons that day that have great implication for my life, for future goals I will set...and I strongly believe that these lessons are transferable to your life and any goals you set out for yourself.
So in this podcast I explore those three lessons:
- the importance of having a support team on your side when choosing to set and achieve a goal. Setting and achieving goals is never a solo act, and if it is, it often leaves a wake of relational destruction behind it.
- the importance of being mindful that sometimes achieving certain goals require a level of unbalance in our lives for a season. So how do you work on being healthy when things will be unbalanced?
- the importance of investing in and including your support team from the beginning through the end...because you are going to need them to achieve the goal.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
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I have been looking forward to having Dr. Cameron Jorgenson on my podcast for a long time. Dr. Jorgenson is one of the smartest and most thoughtful people that I know, and so it was with great anticipation that I had him on this week's episode.
But first a little backstory. I first met Dr. Jorgenson in and around 1993/1994 at Grand Canyon University when we were both freshmen. A lot of things have changed since we first met in an introduction to philosophy class -- GCU used to be a very tiny, Christian liberal arts college for one; and I'm sure our philosophical and theological outlook has also changed quite a bit since that first class. Dr. Jorgenson didn't have his Ph.D then and I only knew him as Cameron. In our time at Grand Canyon we sort of knew each other, but often ran in different social circles. But in January 1998, six months after we graduated, we both ended up at Fuller Theological Seminary's Southwest Campus in Phoenix. And for the next three years Cameron and I took every class together and studied relentlessly (Greek, Hebrew, Systematic Theology, Church History, etc, etc.). I can't even tell you the thousands of hours we put in studying over coffee in various coffee shops and book stores in the Phoenix area.
And it was in this time that our friendship really began to develop and grow, and I came to really admire Cameron for his love of Christ, his intellectual rigor, and the way he put those into loving practice in the relationships and communities around him. Cameron and I then went on to live in Antigua, Guatemala with some host families for three months while we studied Spanish, followed by a trip with Fuller Southwest to Syria, Jordan and Israel. And then we ended up rooming together in Pasadena for one year as we finished up our Master of Divinity degrees at the main campus. Cameron then went on to Baylor to get his Ph.D, and now teaches Theology and Ethics at Campbell Divinity School in North Carolina.
I give you this backstory to paint for you a better picture of the friendship I have with Cameron. Because when he and I started talking about having him on the podcast he pitched to me the idea of talking about the 7 deadly sins and relationships/marriage I wasn't exactly sure what I thought about the idea. I talk a lot about marriage and relationships, and I'm familiar with the 7 deadly sins, but I wasn't sure of how we might connect them and offer something to the listener of value. So I was intrigued. And my intrigue was not disappointed.
In this episode Dr. Jorgenson (sorry I keep switching from Cameron to Dr. Jorgenson) talks about what he refers to as the 7 vices, and why they should be of interest to us today, what we can learn from them, and how they can teach us in more depth about who we are and how we struggle.
In this episode we explore:
- the 7 vices (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride)how the 7 vices point out to us a "disordered desire" for something specific
- we explore in greater depth sex and food (lust and gluttony) and how they impact our relationships
- resources to help one better understand and learn from the 7 vices
- the work of Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung and her book Glittering Vices
- sex and pornography
- food and table
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode Dr. Cameron Jorgenson Grand Canyon University Baylor University Fuller Theological Seminary Campbell Divinity School
Glittering Vices: A New Look at the Seven Deadly Sins and Their Remedies by Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung
Food and Faith: A Theology of Eating by Norman Wirzba
Bringing it to the Table: On Farming and Food by Wendell Berry and Michael Pollan
The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays of Wendell Berry
Encyclical Letter, Laudato Si, of the Holy Father, Francis, On Care for Our Common Home by Pope Francis
Fight the New Drug
On Evil by Thomas Aquinas
Soil and Sacrament: A Spiritual Memoir of Food and Faith by Fred Bahnson
Pornography and Acedia by Reinhard Hutter
Alton Brown on Foodies, Fame, Fast Food, and Guns
About 8 months ago I was looking for a new challenge in life. I felt like I had begun to play life a little too safe, and was starting to get too comfortable...you know the type of comfortable where you start making excuses for taking risks? The type of comfortable where you stop challenging yourself? That is a dangerous place to be in life. Why? Because when we stop taking risks and doing scary, anxiety provoking things, we often tend to stop growing as well. So we have a choice in life...take risks, grow, and keep moving forward. Or choose to play life safe, not grow, and regress and move backwards. Those are our options. There is no static state, a place where you can just hit cruise control. Either you are taking risks and growing, or you are playing it safe and regressing.
And it just happened that I had also finished Brene Brown's awesome book Daring Greatly the year before. And fresh on my mind was her story of her daughter and swimming. I won't get into the story here (you can hear more about in this episode or read the book), but essentially, Brown talks about the value of showing up ("getting wet") and reframing success. And I thought this was the perfect opportunity for me to show up and redefine my success, as not whether I ran a certain time, or even finished (though that's my goal), but that I risked failure by taking a risk.
That being said I started looking for a new challenge and I immediately went to an area of life that has really helped me a grow a lot....running. Few activities have transformed me as fully as running. Each time I completed a long and hard training season, or finished a marathon or 50k...or just came back from a morning run...I usually learned something new about myself, and the anxiety provoking experience that led to the growth, also gave me a lot of confidence in the process.
So as I chose this new challenge I had just a couple of criteria. 1) I had to show up (I will talk about this in this episode); 2) And there had to be the risk of failure (so not doing something I knew I could do for sure); 3) I saw this as basic criteria to help me grow....show up, but also risk failure.
As I recorded this podcast and typed up this post I'm well aware of the fact that I'm about a week and half out from this huge growth experience. On Saturday, October 17 I will be running my first 50 mile race at the Palo Duro Trail Run outside of Amarillo, Texas. Just getting to this point has been a huge opportunity for growth as I've trained really intensely for the last 6 months; had to hot summer days in training; nagging injuries; and just the mental capacity to focus on a task like this for an extended period of time. And probably the most important factor in all of this is that it has been a team effort. Without the support of my wife and kids I wouldn't even be able to do this. They have sacrificed a lot for me to do this event. So I'm really looking forward to driving out there with them in a rented motor home as we experience this race together. Though my challenge just happens to be a running event right now, all of us find our own challenges in life to help us grow. Many of you have set out on challenges that required you to show up and risk failure...and those experiences have helped you grow
So in this episode I want to explore with you:
- what it would look like for you to show up ("get wet")
- what does it look like for you to risk failure and what can you learn from that
- reframing success
- growing vs. regressing vs. static states
- fears/anxieties of taking risks/growing
- what your next steps might look like
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Topics and Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Palo Duro Trail Run
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
I'm always super excited to bring guests on to my podcast and introduce you to new people and the amazing work they are doing. And Jessica Pass is one of those amazing people that I have been wanting to bring on for a while.
I first met Jessica in August of 2005 when we both entered into Fuller Theological Seminary's MFT program in the same cohort. We spent the next couple of years sharing classes, studying, and learning from each other. Since then we have gone on to become really good friends and colleagues, and she is one of the people that I almost inevitably call up when I have questions about my practice or therapy.
Jessica has a private practice in Houston, Texas where she specializes in several things, but is really passionate about her work with women and teen girls. She also has trained in Brene Brown's the Daring Way, as well as recently being trained as a yoga instructor to help her in her work of yoga therapy.
In this episode we explore:
- the topic of women and anger
- the importance of breathing and breathwork
- her recent training as a yoga instructor
- yoga therapy
- how yoga is received/perceived in some Christian communities
- the work of Brene Brown and her Daring Way
- etc.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
People and Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Brene Brown
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
The Daring Way
One of the most powerful and life shaping influences in our lives is our family of origin. It is the primary context in which we develop, and that development continues on through the rest of our lives...this is the reason I decided to talk about this topic on this weeks podcast. Lots of people that I work with in my counseling practice in Plano, Texas, or in organizations and churches, often fail to take into account just how powerful one's family of origin is on their lives. Sure, they are aware of the fact that their family shapes them, but often we assume that as we get older we somehow grow out of that, or are better able to make different choices. But the reality is, what we learned in childhood is just repeated in adulthood, unless we identify the pattern, practice awareness around it, and begin to create intentional change. That just takes time and practice.
In this episode I explore:
- what the family of origin is.
- why the family of origin is so important in shaping us.
- my experience with family of origin.
- what a genogram is.
- the 3 day rule.
- examples of how what we learn in childhood repeats itself in adulthood
- the power of systems in our family of origin.
- strategies to work through your family of origin issues.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
Restoration Therapy by Terry Hargrave Murray Bowen Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert Genogram GenoPro (not mentioned in episode but great tool)
"The people who are having the greatest impact are the people who have heaps of this one thing... Trust." (Learning to Master the Art of Trust, pp. 1)
You may recognize Aubrey's name from episode 14 which was a very popular episode. In that episode we explored his family's move to Tennessee from Texas last year and their reasons behind that: a desire for family togetherness, simplifying life, and leaving margin for exploration. These reasons really resonated with many of you and led to some great discussions and life changes for some of you.
So I was super excited to bring Aubrey back on to the show with the release of his new book, Mastering the Art of Trust. Trust is a foundational aspect of healthy relationships, and without it...well, it is hard to create a safe environment for people to thrive. Trust is something that almost every person I work with in counseling explores at some point, and it often becomes the key issue on whether or not they can move forward in specific relationships. But trust just isn't confined to family relationships, marriage and dating, but is an important component in any organization structure.
I am very thankful that Aubrey decided to tackle such an important topic and write about it in such a succint and powerful way. What I love about the book is the depth to which Aubrey explores trust in a minimalist approach. This book is not some long tome on trust, but a manifesto with immediate real world assessment and application.
In this episode we explore:
- the impetus that led to Aubrey writing a book on trust.
- the important lessons he learned from others when it comes to trust.
- the key building blocks of trust: communication, relational equity.
- trust builders
- trust breakers
- assessments in the book that can be utilize by individuals, groups and organizations
- and much more.
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Mastering the Art of Trust: Unlocking the Power of Your Greatest Conribution
It is not unusual for me to be sitting across from a man in my therapy office as he relays to me the story about when he first learned that it was not okay for boys to cry. It is usually a very powerful moment. I have heard men of all ages and backgrounds tell this story. And though the characters and contexts are different, the take away message is always the same. It is not safe for men to show emotions.
One of the more powerful moments came in my work with a man in his 70's as he recalled with tears in his eyes that incident 70 years earlier when his father told him to stop crying. That event was 70 years ago and it had a profound shaping affect on that man's understanding of masculinity and what defines it.
I am super passionate about helping men identify their feelings. Because if a man can identify them, understand them, name them...have words and language for them...he often begins to not only understand himself better, but so do those people in relationship with him. He begins to own his own story in the words of Brene Brown in Rising Strong. And once he can begin to identify his feelings then we are off and running. He then learns to be able to connect those feelings to the negative coping behaviors that he has probably, and automatically, operated out of most of his life. And it's this awareness that I know eventually leads to powerful change for that man. For without the awareness, one cannot change.
I've seen men's lives changed in this process and it has changed my life as well. So it's important to me to help you better understand why men have a hard time connecting to their emotions, and what role you may play in that for good or bad.
In this episode I explore:
- our culture's pressure on men to not cry and to just "be a man."
- how boys are as equally expressive as young girls...but then why that changes.
- how a man can begin the process of identifying and connecting to his feelings/emotions
- what role the people in men's lives have in either perpetuating the belief that it's not okay for men to cry...or in helping create a safe place for men to be vulnerable.
- how to create a safe space for men to be vulnerable.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes -- Stitcher
Player FM -- Libsyn
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Two Words You Should Never Tell a Boy (blog post)
What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real
I love to run. It's one of my favorite things to do, and more recently I recorded a podcast episode on how running has changed my life. One of my bigger accomplishments was running my first 50k about a year and a half ago with my friend and neighbor Eric Fortner at the Ft. Worth Cowtown. I loved the opportunity to test my limits and to train as much as I could with other people such as Eric. This last year I committed to run the Palo Duro 50 Mile Train Run with Eric and one of our other friends Clay Shapiro. I tell you all of this because I've just been able to come into contact with some amazing people in the running community and I continue to hear stories and come across even more.
About 6 months ago Eric started telling me about a friend of his, Melissa Martinez. He talked about her passion for both running and her faith, which is something that I am passionate about as well. In the last 10 years that I have really been running I have seen such a beautiful integration of both the physical and spiritual in the act of running. So in this episode I was happy to connect with Melissa and her more about her running journey and how it inspires her faith. Melissa is an accomplished runner at all distances (Boston Marathon for one), and has lately been testing the ultrarunning distances out. So I was excited to talk with her about this and many other things. In this episode we explore:
- Melissa's history with running and her journey to where she is today.
- some key turning moments in her training and races.
- inspiring stories of Melissa's interactions with other runners.
- what she has learned from her running that applies to her faith and vice-versa.
- looking for opportunities beyond personal bests and finish lines during a race.
- her weekly/monthly training regime of running and weightlifting.
- her participation with Team 413 running.
- her blog (she posts 5 times a week about her faith and running)
Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode
Grace Runner 413 (blog)
Team 413
Blog post on Nick Symmonds
I love technology. It has absolutely shaped my life in some amazing ways in the last 12 years especially. Technology can encompass all kinds of things, but the technology I'm primarily speaking about here have to do with computers, cell phones and social media. In fact, there was a season of my life for about 7-8 years where I spoke quite frequently on the role of technology in our lives, specifically the impact it can have not only on us, but in our relationships. Though I don't go out and speak on technology as often these days, it's still something that I talk about everyday in my work with my clients and in my personal relationships.
In this episode I wanted to briefly explore 3 aspects of technology that I think are really important. These three aspects are constant and never changing which is an important distinction in the world of technology which feels like it's always changing. The three aspects are:
- technology shapes us
- technology informs our identity
- technology needs boundaries as we use it
I think that if someone grasps these three components of technology, then they can successfully navigate the world of technology in some healthy ways.
So in this episode I explore:
- the importance of thinking about technology and the impact is has on us as we use it.
- the idea that technology is not neutral.
- the metaphor of a shovel in describing technology as a tool that shapes us.
- the idea that technology often is a tool that mediates our relationships.
- the metaphor of a mirror in describing how technology informs our identity.
- the idea that technology needs boundaries in our use of it.
- the metaphor of a tray/basket in describing how technology needs boundaries.
- ways that people can immediately go out and engage in some healthy practices and boundaries in their technology use.
Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode
The Influence of Technology in our Lives
Maintaining Relational Presence in a Technological World
From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology by John Dyer
The Saturated Self: Dilemmas of Identity in Contemporary Life by Kenneth Gergen
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man by Marshall McLuhan
Two Technology Tips That Will Transform Your Relationships
Exploring the Way that Technology Shapes Us, Our Relationships, and our Faith -- with Author, Technologist and Theologian, John Dyer
I know it's a cliche and commonplace to say that you are "busy" when someone asks how you are doing. I find myself saying that a lot, and more recently I've tried to correct that by questioning why am I so busy? And do I like being busy and do I get something from it?
So I get it. I know we all live busy lives, but something that has been a concern for me since day one of my therapy practice (and probably before then in my ministry experience) was the over-scheduling of our kid's lives. I work with kids who play multiple sports and often all year round. They are expected to perform on the field and then get straight A's in the classroom. And on top of that they are expected to be socially well-rounded and involved in all kinds of other activities whether it be youth group, a musical instrument, volunteering, etc. And what this often leads to is just a bunch of burnt out kids. It may not be noticeable at first, but by the time they get to high school and into college you start to see the effects...anxiety, depression, addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. I have worked with lots of kids who finally had enough and escaped into unhealthy things, or just quit things all together. While many just want a break and struggle to find motivation again.
I decided to bring Dr. Neil Stafford on because he's a friend, colleague and classmate of mine who has expertise in working with kids and families, and I thought that his position as a psychologist in private practice and on staff of an elementary school made him the right fit to discuss these things.
In this episode we explore:
- our culture's obsession with busyness.
- parents who over-schedule their kid's lives.
- parents who work out their "issues" through their kid's activities rather than working on them on their own.
- the importance of listening to your kids from a very young age.
- anxiety, stress, depression, burning out in kids who are over-scheduled.
- importance of parents sticking to new techniques rather than giving up on them after a few attempts.
- Meg Meeker's rule of one activity, per kid, per grading period.
Resources and Sites Mentioned in this Episode
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
1-2-3 Magic Parenting
Dr. Ross Greene
Center for Collaborative Problem Solving
Live in the Balance
Facebook Page
Podcast on iTunes
Website
About 15 years ago as I was reading through the Bible a specific passage jumped out at me and forever changed my life. I remember the moment 15 years ago...that's how powerful this simple little verse was. The verse read:
"From the wilderness of Sin the whole congregation of the Israelites journeyed by stages, as the Lord commanded." -- Exodus 17:1
I was captivated by this idea that God journeyed his people...the whole congregation...the whole community that is...out of the desert wilderness. But he didn't do it in one fell swoop, but literally, stage by stage. In fact, we know that the journey which should have taken only about 13 days into the Promised Land, actually took 40 years. Talk about a journey.
What fascinated me as I continued to read about this journey was that you get a real sense of this stage by stage movement in Numbers 33 where over 40 times in the first 48 verses of that chapter that the community "left" a place and "camped" somewhere else.
We are a people faced with constant change and always in transition. Often our desire is to find comfort and security, to just stay put and resist change. But the reality is that when we face our anxieties and move through change and transition we grow in the process. I can't think of one good story where the character resisted change and came out a more compelling figure. It just doesn't happen.
So why is it that we are so resistant to change and transition in our own lives? And how can we navigate it better? In this episode I explore a couple of different ideas:
- how anxiety is really our cue to keep moving forward and change, rather than hunker down.
- the difference between change and transition.
- what the move from orientation, to disorientation, to new orientation looks like
I love this quote by William Bridges from his book Transitions:
Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t. Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to a new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one, or it is the acquisition that your company just made.
In other words, change is situational. Transition on the other hand, is psychological (bold added for emphasis). It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’ Whatever word we use, our society talks a lot about change; but it seldom deals with transition. Unfortunately for us, it is the transition that blind-sides us and is often the source of our troubles.
And in this episode I want to address all of you who are facing change, and help encourage you to think through the actual transitional aspects of that change.
Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges
The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith
The Message of the Psalms by Walter Brueggemann
About 5 years ago I was introduced to a therapy model that changed my life. And that's not an exaggeration. It literally changed my life, beginning with me, then my marriage, then my parenting, then my therapy work, then friendships, and eventually in the work I do with organizations, churches and corporations. I was introduced to a model of therapy developed by Terry Hargrave called Restoration Therapy. Actually, at the time I didn't know it as Restoration Therapy, but rather as the 5 Days to a New Marriage model that was developed for The Hideaway Experience by Terry and Shawn Stoever. Essentially, from what I know, Terry and Shawn created a model for the marriage intensives based on Terry's Restoration Therapy work that he was developing, and which was eventually written by Terry and Franz Pfitzer under the title Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy.
In October 2010 I attended my first marriage intensive and sat "3rd chair", which essentially means I was not one of the co-therapists, but was rather there to observe...and speak/share if I felt compelled. I was so intimidated by that first experience I remember saying very little, but I also remember being blown away by the transformation I witnessed taking place with the 4 couples who were there that weekend. It was an unbelievable team effort between the founders/operators Steve and Rajan Trafton, the two therapists, the cook (who provided all the meals)...and of course the 4 couples who ended up really being some of the biggest encouragers of transformation for the other couples. If you are curious about what this experience is like, I blogged about it early on. I ended up staying on staff of The Hideaway Experience for about four years and it continues to be one of the most amazing experiences I have had in working with clients, especially couples, as well as being an amazing experience for me. Eventually it was difficult for me in my stage of life (young family, growing practice, etc.) to continue to travel to Palo Duro to do an intensive, so I eventually resigned, but continue to be in collaboration with them, as well as referring clients to them and working with couples after they do an intensive.
But all of these experiences led me to really want to dive more in depth into Restoration Therapy so I could better understand the change I was seeing in individuals and couples I worked with, as well become a better practitioner of the model. So in December of 2014 I started Level I training with Terry, and then completed Level II training with Terry in May and June of this year. Now I'm a certified Restoration Therapy therapist...it has helped me better understand a model I had already been practicing for about the last 4+ years.
As I have stated above, this is a model that has changed my life, so I use it with all my clients to varying degrees, whether individual, couples or families. And what I have learned from it I implement in my relationships, whether it be my wife, kids, parents, friends or colleagues. That being said, I decided it was time to do a podcast about Restoration Therapy. There is so much I could talk about, but I thought I could start with just a general overview of some of its features, as well as how the Pain and Peace Cycles work. There is definitely more to be said on this topic, and I will continue to write some posts on it, as well as record some podcasts on the topic, and eventually have Terry Hargrave on the podcast, as well as Steve and Rajan Trafton, and my good friend Todd Sandel who was the first to train me at The Hideaway Experience.
So in this podcast I do my best to talk through some of the features of Restoration Therapy and how it can be applied to your life and relationships.
In the podcast I discuss:
- my experience at The Hideaway Experience early on and eventually as a co-therapist.
- my experience in learning the 5 Days to a New Marriage (i.e. Restoration Therapy) and how I began to apply it to my practice.
- how Restoration Therapy changed people's lives.
- my desire to learn more about Restoration Therapy, and eventually go train with Terry Hargrave
- the 4 elements of Restoration Therapy: a) helping people identify and understand their pain (fostering awareness in the client of their destructive pattern); b) promote emotional regulation through helping the client identify their truth (teaching the client to take responsibility for themselves); c) provide cognitive map for understanding new behavior (helping client make choices); d) practice of these steps (mindfulness/experiential).
- Restoration Therapy's focus on attachment, emotional regulation, and mindfulness.
- the Pain Cycle
- the Peace Cycle
- Restoration Therapy's 4 steps: a) say what you feel; b) say what you normally do; c) say your truth; d) say what action you will do differently.
- how I've used the Restoration Therapy model for individuals, couples, families, churches, organizations and corporations.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes
Stitcher
Player FM
Libsyn
Resources Discussed in This Episode
The Hideaway Experience
Steve and Rajan Trafton
5 Days to a New Marriage
Terry Hargrave
Restoration Therapy and Restoration Therapy Training
Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy
Shawn Stoever
Winshape
Todd Sandel
LifeGate Counseling
As a kid I loved to run. Whether it was chasing or racing friends, running was something that I grew up loving to do. And I continued to run in high school, competing in the 110 meter high hurdles, 300 meter intermediate hurdles and the 4 x 400. But somewhere over the years I noticed I stopped running as much. Sure, I still ran a couple of nights a week, but that was more of an ad on to my weight lifting routine, and just another avenue that I thought would help me stay fit.
But in the Spring of 2006 my brother Wyatt called me to see if I wanted to run the Chicago Marathon with him. I don't remember the details of our conversation, but I remember agreeing to do do with very little hesitancy. Sure, I had never run more than 3 miles at one time in my life, but that didn't seem to bother me. I guess I figured I would....figure it out. So I trained for 16 weeks and ended up running the marathon in about 4:13. And at that moment I became addicted to running. I entered another marathon, ran a few 5K's, half-marathons, and eventually a 50k in February of 2014. And at the time of this writing I am training for the Palo Duro 50 Mile race in October.
And over the years, especially this last year, I have really found that not only has running continued to transform my life, but it has brought me great joy. I look forward to getting out and running because I never come back from a run with any regrets.
In this podcast I explore several things:
- my own personal journey with running and how it has transformed my life.
- 10 benefits (and more) that running brings to your life.
- 7 tips to get you started in running, or to help renew your interest in running.
- 5 books that have inspired my running and that will inspire you.
Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner by Dean Karnazes
Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Most Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll
Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Ever Seen by Christopher McDougall
Why We Run: A Natural History by Bernd Heinrich
Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek
Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J. Ratey and Eric Hagerman
I love interviewing guests on this podcast, but summer has been a bit difficult on the podcast schedule with so many people on vacation and needing to reschedule. But I have some great guests lined up for the future and we will cover some interesting topics. So for this week I decided I wanted to cover two questions that I seem to inevitably get when I'm out speaking on marriage and parenting. The questions come in a variety of forms, but they essentially boil down this this:
- When is a good time to go see a marriage therapist?
- How many activities can my kid participate in?
Those are the questions in essence, but often what isn't being explicitly asked is really what the question is about. For example, in that first question, what is often being asked but not said is, "We have issues in our marriage, but I don't know if we should get help." Or, "I want to go in and see a counselor, but my spouse doesn't want to." Or, "Is it too late to go and get help." I get the question a lot because marriages suffer from all kinds of issues, but people are often fearful to reach out for help. And the second question is less about how many it seems, but more about what's happening in the family in my experience. What's not being said is, "My child is overwhelmed from sports and school, but I'm afraid if I pull them out of things they will fall behind and not be able to compete." Or something like, "Please validate the number of activities that my kid is in so I don't feel like a bad parent." You get the point...the questions are always about other things as well. So in this podcast I address those two questions, but dive in a little deeper and discuss:
- marital drift
- the kid centered marriage
- what are some of the indicators that let you know it's a good time to see a counselor?
- how do you identify the right marriage therapist?
- what is marriage therapy like?
- how I work as a therapist in the context of marriage counseling.
- the importance of a vision statement for a family.
- creating "white space" in the family calendar.
- anxiety, stress and depression in kids when overscheduled.
- how parents can model decision making skills by limiting activities.
- Meg Meeker's after-school activity, per kid, per grading period.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes
Stitcher
Player FM
Resources/Topics Mentioned in the Episode
My colleague Corey over at Simple Marriage has a good article on Marital Drift
Meg Meeker's one after-school activity per kid, per grading period rule
Last week's podcast on creating a family vision/mission statement
About 4-5 years ago my wife and I's life was in a pretty hectic place. Like many of you, we were a double-income family, trying to both balance out time for our work, our family life, and our marriage. And like many of you, we sort of felt like life was just sort of happening to us. We felt like we were more passive observants of our own life, rather than intentionally participating in it. And at about that same time, my good friend and colleague Todd Sandel had started talking to me about a book that had really helped his family's life. Todd is married with four kids, and I really admire what he and his wife Beverly have created in their family. So I was eager to learn the trick.
Todd mentioned that he had read and implemented the book The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni. So I went home and read that book as quickly as I could. And over the course of the next year my wife and I sat down to read through the book together and create our own family vision/mission statement. This exercise has become one of the best things we have done for our marriage and family life, as it helps us be more intentional about who we want to be, and what we spend our time doing. Rather than life just happening to us, we feel like we have a more focused trajectory to aim for. (Check out the blog posts I wrote below about this process). In this podcast you will:
- learn about the impetus that motivated Heather and I to create our own vision/mission statement.
- learn what the 3 big questions are, and how to go about answering and implementing them.
- learn to identify what makes you/relationship/family unique.
- learn to identify your "rallying cry"
- learn how to hold weekly meetings
- hear what our family vision/mission statement is
- see the piece of art Heather created to remind us of our statement (see below)
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes
Stitcher
Player FM
Libsyn
Links and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast
The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni
Short and Simple: Why Your Family Should Use the 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family
How Do You Answer the 3 Big Questions for Your Frantic Family
Frantic Family - Question #1
Frantic Family - Question #2
Frantic Family - Question #3
I enjoy interviewing all the guests on my podcast. It's a huge privilege to be able to talk with such amazing people. And this one was really special as I got to interview one of the former students in my college ministry. Between 2001-2008 I was on staff at Bel Air Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles, CA, serving as the college pastor from 2002-2008. And in that time I was really blessed to serve alongside some amazing students from UCLA, USC, LMU and a scattering of other schools. There was also a huge contingent of college-age kids in the ministry who weren't in school, but came out to pursue music, film, fashion and more. It was a really unique group that taught me a lot.
And in about 2004 I met a then sophomore at UCLA, Melissa Ponce, who is now Dr. Melissa Esguerra. I remember Melissa as someone who was really passionate about her faith, compassionate towards others, and who always seemed to have a smile on her face. And it was great having her as a part of that ministry at that time. It's been about 11 years since I first met Melissa, and probably about 8-9 years since I last saw her (except at a mutual wedding perhaps). And even though we don't see each other in person, it's been fun to watch her journey online. And over the last year or so I've really been inspired by the work that Melissa is up to, and a lot of her messages resonate with my own journey. I appreciate Melissa sharing her own story of being sick in college and going on a journey to heal through various means such as food, sleep, exercise, etc. It's very much the journey I have found myself on these last couple of years...trying to optimize how I feel through taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Melissa wears a lot of different hats and is passionate about a lot of things, but primarily she is a Doctor of Functional Medicine who is interested in the whole person. She is holistic in her approach and in this episode we cover several different topics from women's health, to feeling tired, sleep, food, and faith. This is a pretty fast episode and there was so much more I would have loved to talk with her about, but our schedules prevented it. Next time I have Melissa back on I want to dive in deep with her on a couple of topics, and I want to hear more about her online program that she is launching. To find out more about that, just go here to sign up and receive more information. Some of the topics we cover are:
- women's health issues (what are some of the common issues Melissa sees)
- the always "feeling tired" feeling that many people struggle with.
- sleep: what does healthy sleep look like?
- food and diet
- faith
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes
Stitcher
Player FM
Libsyn
Resources and Links Discussed in the Episode
Website:. Dr. Melissa Esguerra
Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing by Caroline Myss
The New Feminine Brain: How Women Can Develop Their Inner Strengths, Genius, and Intuition by Mona Lisa Schulz and Christianne Northrup
Anxiety is a struggle that everyone has experienced at some point in their lives. Anxiety is part of the human condition whether we like it or not. But while some people seem to experience little anxiety, others feel their life is consumed with it. I've shared in countless contexts how I struggled for a good part of my life with anxiety until I finally began to face it and use it as an opportunity for growth in my life. In episode 13 of this podcast I explored the topic of anxiety and one can begin to identify anxiety in their own life story, as well as learning to begin to reframe it as a catalyst for growth, rather than an enemy waiting to crush you. In that podcast I mentioned how I would follow up with an episode exploring the various tools and techniques one can use to manage and reframe anxiety. So in this episode I talk about:
- the tool of reframing anxiety
- how self-care (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) helps manage anxiety
- breathing techniques to help with anxiety
- meditation techniques and tools to help navigate anxiety
- connecting our spiritual life to our breathing and meditation techniques
- how listening to your anxiety can help you grow from it
- why journaling is a powerful tool in helping one depersonalize it
- how you can use 3 x 5 cards to navigate through anxiety
- books on anxiety that will help you grow from it
- the role of the "Pain and Peace Cycle" in understanding the roots of your anxiety
- and how medications can help, but why it's the last option I explore
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources/Links Discussed in the ShowMindfulness -- Taking Time to BreatheHeadspaceDon't Panic with Andrew Johnson -- iPhone appPublic Speaking with Andrew Johnson -- iPhone appRelax Lite with Andrew Johnson -- iPhone appMindfulness -- Connecting Breathe to our PrayerBaby Steps to Self-CareThe Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett SmithThings Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Troy DufreneFear and Trembling by Soren KierkegaardBe Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May
About 5 weeks ago I was perusing through Instagram and I came across the feed of lvtrailrunner. I have been following lvtrailrunner (aka Benji Zimmerman) online for quite a while, and I have really been inspired by what he posts, especially his amazing trail running photos. But something different caught my eye this day...it was what he had to say on that post that really captured me. Benji wrote:
"Some days life isn't in color. For many of us anxiety, depression and many other mental health issues loom in the shadows of our lives, but some days those shadows overtake our colorful world. Today was one of those days for me. Days like today are hard to explain to those who don't share the same struggle. If you are someone who struggles like I do with depression; stay the course, talk to your counselor, eat right, workout, take your medications if necessary but above all cling to hope. The color will return. The storm will pass. Breathe in. Breathe out."
Such beautiful, and powerful, and vulnerable, and inspiring words. And though I had already planned on contacting him for my podcast, that was the catalyst to reach out to him immediately. Benji has an inspiring story (and we only get a glimpse of it in the podcast) of both dark and light, intermingling to bring forth hope, faith and redemption out of his pain. His story is full of examples of this: survivor of suicide, recovering addict, father, husband, missions pastor and social media director, trailrunner, Christ follower..and those are just a few of the labels that I use to describe someone in which labels don't fit or do he or his story justice. In this episode we cover a lot of territory, but really focus on the intersection of running, mental health and faith. Those are three topics that I'm passionate about and I could have talked to Benji about them all day. In this podcast I talk with Benji about:
- his attempted suicide as a teenager.
- his finding hope in missions/service.
- his struggle with depression.
- his journey into a runner (and from road to trail).
- his faith formation in the "desert".
- what running on the trails, and without headphones has taught him about being present.
- what he does to achieve balance.
- how he takes care of himself.
- inner noticing.
- his struggle with addiction and depression and how diet, running/exercise and his faith helped transform that.
- Etc.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
iTunes
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Resources/Links Discussed in the Show
Benji's Instagram
Benji's Twitter
Benji's Website
Running and Being: The Total Experience by George Sheehan
Carlos Whitaker: What Does Your Depression Feel Like? Mine Feels Like This...
Sarah Stanley
The Crossing Church
People of the Second Chance (POTSC)
Freeway Curriculum (POTSC)
I first met Aubrey McGowan approximately in the summer of 2010. And like some other stories you have previously heard on this podcast, we met at the ECHO Conference in Dallas. At that time Aubrey was leading worship (as well as doing all kinds of other things...mentoring, vision casting, etc.) at Hope Fellowship in Frisco, TX. Since our first meeting a deep friendship has formed and I have really come to admire a lot of things about him. Two things in particular that have stood out to me over the last five years is Aubrey's generous spirit and his ability to solve problems and build just about anything.
Over the course of the last couple of years I noticed our conversations had shifted in some ways as Aubrey began to wrestle with new questions. There was a restlessness in him that God was calling him to step out and do some different things, but there was also a very patient steadfastness as he prayed, made plans, and listened to God's direction in his life.
I've really enjoyed watching Aubrey and his wife Jen's journey over this last year as they have ventured off into a new adventure. And their journey has been inspiring. Aubrey has many talents and gifts. He a worship artist. He's a writer. And he and his wife (and kids) are super crafty. Check out their Etsy store as well as Song and Story.
But in this podcast we really focus on this new transition in the life of he and his family (and I will have him back on another time to talk about all these creative endeavors). So in this podcast episode you will learn how Aubrey and his family
- simplified their life (finances, food, etc.)
- emphasized the importance of family togetherness
- created margin for exploration
I love these three themes that we discuss in the podcast. I really think they are essential elements for families wanting to create change in their lives and head into a new transition. You may not have a family at this point in your life, but we can all learn how to simplify our lives and create more margin for exploration.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Discussed in the Show Aubrey's Website Aubrey's Twitter Aubrey's Instagram Song and Story Millworks on Instagram Song and Story Etsy Store Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg Mckeown Financial Peace University Vintage Remedies
I have struggled with anxiety most of my life. The story of anxiety in my life begins probably somewhere between 1981 and 1986. Those were the years my mother battled breast cancer, eventually dying in 1986 when I was 11 years old. As best as I can remember, the onset of anxiety for me began two weeks after her death when I returned to school and was no longer capable of reading out loud in class...only stuttering. That was the day that I began to live in fear as anxiety gripped my life, but more than likely it had already begun it's work in those previous years with the ups and downs of my mom's struggle with breast cancer.
My anxiety has its roots in those early experiences, and like me, you probably have recollections of when anxiety began in your life. Often it can begin in childhood, especially if we have a parent who is highly anxious, or we encounter some experience to provoke anxiety. Whatever your story, anxiety may be a part of yours. Most of the research I come across these days is that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States and about 18% of the U.S. population, 18 and over, suffers from some type of anxiety disorder. And more than likely the numbers are much higher than this, as that 18% probably only represents those who have gotten help.
But what I have discovered in my own journey with anxiety is that anxiety has actually become the greatest opportunity for growth for me. Rather than view it as an enemy trying to crush me, I have come to see it as a faithful friend who informs me of what is going on in the deepest recesses of my heart, soul and mind. Anxiety cues me in to when things have gone wrong and need to be corrected; anxiety often leads me to face my fears and take risks; and it often informs me of what should be of ultimate concerns in my life. In my book The Anxious Christian I explore this idea, and how God led me to see that anxiety was something he used to help me grow, to keep me moving forward and taking risks, rather than settle for a life of comfort or numbed out from what I was feeling.
In this episode:
- I share my story of anxiety and where it began for me.
- I explore the idea that anxiety can be used as a catalyst for growth in your life.
- I help you think through your own story of anxiety.
- I talk about how you can listen to your own anxiety, and how that can lead you.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes
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This episode was definitely a Rhett Smith Podcast first. My brother-in-law Drew Sams and I went for a long 10 mile trail run earlier in the day, and spent our recovery time hanging outside in his backyard jacuzzi. And so we decided to just record the conversation there. So you are going to hear some helicopters and sirens in the background...and we are a bit delirious by the end of the podcast (I guess two hours in a jacuzzi isn't that smart when you are tired).
But this is a great episode and we explore a lot of interesting things. I first met Drew back in 2001 when he was a USC senior and I had just taken the position of college ministry intern at Bel Air Presbyterian Church. Drew and I became really good friends that senior year of his, eventually leading my wife and I (then girlfriend) to set her sister and him up on a blind date. That blind date turned into marriage in 2006. And throughout the years our paths have crossed in other ways as well, whether at Fuller Theological Seminary, or both being on staff at the same time at Bel Air Presbyterian Church. Drew completed his Master of Divinity at Fuller, and then studied under Len Sweet at George Fox University, receiving a Doctorate of Ministry in Semiotics and Future Studies.
Drew is a fascinating guy (and I'm not just saying that since we are related now) with a lot of interests. He loves being outdoors and is an avid surfer and snowboarder. He also loves to try new hobbies, usually with a passion that leads to him turning that hobby into quite the craft. As we talk about in the podcast, Drew has become quite the coffee connoisseur, which has helped lead him in some really interesting directions of hospitality. He also has become quite the beer maker over the last 5 years as well, winning several first places in the Los Angeles County Fair in 2012 and 2013. as well as an invite to the Sierra Nevada Beer Camp, where he helped create a beer (Sleight of Hand) that sold in stores nationally. He created a great entry video called My Grandfather's Stopwatch. You can check it out here and then scroll to the class of 2012. In this podcast we explore:
- Albert Borgmann's device paradigm
- the importance of being engaged in process and not just final outcome.
- how Drew's love of coffee and beer making helped him create space for hospitality.
- ways that people can engage in process and make space for hospitality in their lives.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Discussed in the Show
Albert Borgmann's device paradigm Closer to the Ground by Dylan Tomine Sierra Nevada Beer Camp (look at Drew's video in 2012 group)
We all live in a very busy, very fast paced culture. And in our constant hurry it is often our self-care that goes by the wayside. We stop taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, often finding ourselves in a worse predicament than when we began. In this episode I really wanted to explore some spiritual practices that can help us foster our faith in the busyness of our day-to-day stress. And so in order to do that, I brought on my father Timothy Smith. If you listened to Episode 3 on transitions, liminal space and discovering your passion, then you know my dad has been a guest on my podcast before.
My dad wears many hats: father, husband, pastor, chaplain, spiritual director, writer, professor, retreat director...and on and on the list goes. But when we recorded this episode he was out visiting and wearing I think one of his most favorite hats...grandpa. So while he was out here we sat down and explored 7 Spiritual Practices for Busy People:
- Daily God Hunt (aka The Greatest Priority)
- Palms Down, Palms Up
- Praying Scripture
- Prayer Walking
- Unplugging
- Imaginative Prayer
- Abba Prayer
These 7 practices are simple practices that anyone can begin using. Whether you are struggling spiritually, or are just looking for some news practices to foster your faith, I recommend you explore these 7 practices. In this episode:
- we discuss why Tim decided to write about these 7 spiritual practices and put them into a devotional guide.
- we discuss why/how these spiritual practices can beneficial to one's spiritual life.
- we explore in depth each of the 7 spiritual practices.
- we make recommendations for how to begin the practice of these spiritual exercises.
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
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Resources Discussed in the Show
Seven Spiritual Practices for Busy People
Water from Rock (Website)
Water from Rock (Twitter)
Water from Rock (Facebook)
The Living Room (Podcast/Radio Show)
Dear Abba by Brennan Manning
Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
Ignatius of Loyola
Daily Examen
Lectio Divina
In the Summer of 2008 I was sitting in my inlaw's home office working on their computer. My wife, 1 year old daughter and I had just moved from Los Angeles to Dallas to live a more compelling story, but we knew very few people except for some family we had in the DFW area. So there I was online looking for some way to connect with people in Dallas. At the time I was pretty involved in the online intersection of faith and technology, and so it was with great interest that I saw that a brand new conference was taking place in Dallas a couple of weeks after our move. The conference was the ECHO Conference, and it was there that I met so many great people...many who have come to be some of my closest friends today. One of those great people was Scott McClellan, who at the time was a part of the organization who was putting on the conference. To this day, I look back at that conference as really helping me get connected in a new city.
The ECHO Conference may no longer exist, but my relationships from them exist. And Scott has been one of my close friends who I have learned a great deal from. Scott is currently the Communications Pastor at Irving Bible Church in Irving, TX. Scott and his wife Annie have been a part of this church community for about 14 years, and have been instrumental in the leadership of the Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Ministry at the church. Over the last 9 to 10 years I have been really interested in the concept of story as a framework for living a compelling life, and Scott is someone who has taught me a lot about this concept. I have not only learned from him through our many conversations, but he and his wife have modeled this concept in their personal lives through their adoption process and the participation in the lives of those around them who seek out their wisdom in the area of adoption. Scott chronicles much of this journey in his book, Tell Me a Story: Finding God (and Ourselves) Through Narrative.
In this episode we explore:
- the concept of story and how it can be a framework for your life.
- the influence of Donald Miller's work in our lives.
- what makes for a compelling life story.
- the struggle to live a compelling story and how comfort, anxiety, and the American dream can often keep us stuck.
- how discontent and anxiety can be a great catalyst for growth in our lives.
- Scott and Annie's story of adoption.
- etcetra
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes
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Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode
Website
Donald Miller
Donald Miller's sermon Story at Mars Hill in Michigan
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
Blood Water Mission and Jena Lee Nardella
Tapestry
Tell Me a Story: Finding God (and Ourselves) Through Narrative
I first met John Dyer online somewhere in the summer of 2008. I was engaged online quite a bit at the intersection of faith and technology. I am definitely not an expert in technology, but there was a period of about 4-5 years where I spent a lot of time at social media and technology conferences, workshops, meetups, etc. And during that time I spoke quite a bit on how technology shapes our relationships. But it was when I met John in person in the Fall of 2008 and we started hanging out, that I really began to understand truly how technology shapes us.
Some of John's work that really shaped me early on you can find in his presentation Technology is not Neutral: How Bible Technology Shapes our Faith. This presentation is a good introduction into John's thoughts on technology. And these thoughts powerfully shaped how I understood the role of technology in my life, especially understanding that it is not neutral, but is always shaping us in some way. The question is, how is the technology we are using shape us? If this is a question that you are curious about, I recommend you read John's book, From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology.
I have had the privilege over the last 6 years to have a friendship with John, and I've also really enjoyed our time together team teaching/presenting at some church workshops and conferences on the role of technology in our relationships. John is a very thoughtful, intelligent, and humble guy, and as you listen to the podcast you will begin to understand what I mean. In this podcast we talk about:
- John's journey in understanding the role of technology in our lives and how it shapes us.
- what technology is and how it is defined (it's not just social media and our computers)
- how technology shapes us
- how we can use technology without it using us
- the implications of technology in our faith journey
- what are some of the exciting things on the horizon when it comes to innovation in technology
- what are some of the things in the innovation of technology that we might have caution about
- ideas about how we can more effectively use technology in a way that isn't harmful to our relationships
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes
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Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode
Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman
Technology and the Character of Contemporary Life by Albert Borgmann
The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects by Marshall McLuhan
Wendell Berry
Best Commentaries
MediaElements.js
From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology
Other Links
Website:. John Dyer
Twitter:. John Dyer
Using Technology Without Technology Using You: Technology in the Kingdom, Society, and Your Life
Thinking Theologically About Technology and Culture
I first got to connect with Adam McLane when we were driving through the Dominican Republic, and across the border into Haiti. It was only about a month after the devastating earthquake that hit Haiti, and we were part of a youth ministry team that went down there (though as Adam points out, it was more like a bunch of youth pastors and me -- a therapist). Over the course of those last five years I have had the opportunity to really connect and get to know Adam better, as well as speaking at his initial Youth Cartel in 2012, on the topic of, The Anxiety of Teenagers.
But in the last 5 years Adam has become one of the leading experts on youth and technology. In August of 2013, Adam's expertise really gained attention when his blog post, "Why You Should Delete SnapChat" went viral, eventually taking shutting down his blog with all the traffic. But don't mistake Adam for some kind of anti-tech Luddite, rather he is a very thoughtful, thinker on technology and how it shapes our lives. And one of the things I really like about Adam when talking to him about technology, is that he's not one to just lay down rules and put tech tools into action, rather he really encourages the consumer of tech to think about how they use their technology, and how they can create "sacred spaces" and practice sabbaths in their lives.
In this episode Adam and I dive deep into the work of Danah Boyd, and more specifically her latest book, It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens. It's a great book, and Adam recommends that all parents buy the book, if only to read the first chapter. We also explore bullying and cyberbullying and how what takes place online is most often modeled offline.
We also explore the issue of trust between parents and kids, and talk about why Adam doesn't recommend filtering or monitoring devices on computers. One of Adam's concerns that he addresses is that too often parent's turn over their parenting responsibilities to devices, rather than to help their kids think critically about how they engage technology.
This was a fun conversation, and ultimately, I think both Adam and I mourned a little bit the loss of a lot of the freedoms that we had as kids (taking off on our bikes and being gone all day; cruising; loitering, etc.), but that kids today don't/can't experience (Danah Boyd's work explores this cultural shift).
This episode is for any of you who use technology (which is you if you are reading this). So whether you are a parent, or not, I highly recommend listening and discovering how you can more thoughtfully consume technology in your own life.
One of the issues that almost always comes up in my work with clients is the issue of forgiveness. It is the issue that often is not addressed, but the one that is most needed. So a few months ago when a pastor friend of mine asked me to come speak at his church's marriage conference he gave me the freedom to choose what I wanted to talk about. The obvious stuff came to mind instantly, communication....intimacy....sex....etc.
So I thought about what I wanted to talk about for a few days and finally settled on the topic of forgiveness.
Why did I settle on this topic?
Because not only is it the one issue that I see in every counseling session (whether forgiveness is taking place or being withheld), but it's something I need to work on more in my own life. So it's not surprising I chose a topic that I most need to grow in.
I ended up giving this talk 2x in the course of 8 days. One time at the church marriage conference mentioned above, which took place at Preston Trail church in Frisco, TX. But I also gave the talk to the young adult/young married's group at Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas, TX.
It's a topic I loved researching, talking about...and learning more about how much it's needed as an essential discipline in my own life.
I ended up doing this podcast by myself (which I plan to do every 4-6 podcasts that I record with guests). So I hope you enjoy.
As I say in the introduction of this podcast, Wess Daniels is one of the smartest guys that I know. I first met Wess about ten years ago or more when I was a student at Fuller Theological Seminary and pastoring at Bel Air Presbyterian Church. I started hanging out with Wess when he was teaching me some tech hacks in creating my Apple HTML email signature (I know, sounds pretty exciting). But over the years as my friendship with Wess has deepened, I've always been impressed with not only his intellect, and the topics is spans, but his sense of humility.
Wess received his Ph.D from Fuller Seminary's School of Intercultural Studies. Wess is especially interested in Quaker renewal and participatory culture. At the time of this interview he was a Quaker pastor at Camas Friends church in Washington....but last week he was named the Director of Friends Center and Quaker Studies at Guilford College.
Wess is also the author of A Convergent Model of Renewal: Remixing the Quaker Tradition in a Participatory Culture. Besides publishing this theological work, Wess has also contributed to the Sketchnote Workbook and written about "learning the art of sketchnote preaching."
In this podcast we discuss a lot of different things such as:
--leadership in the Quaker tradition (flattened leadership)
--what participatory culture looks like
--developing weekly rhythms of self-care
--harnessing creativity in our work (i.e. sketchnotes)
Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.
--iTunes
--Stitcher
--Player FM
--Libsyn
This was a really fun podcast episode to record. I drove down to Dallas a couple of weeks ago to spend a couple of hours with Innovation 360's Executive Director Kevin Gilliland, and Director of Marketing Lauren Barnett. I first came across the work of Innovation 360 when I met up with Lauren and another colleague over coffee one morning. And in the last 3 years I have been continually impressed not only with Lauren and Kevin, but the whole team at Innovation 360. I love their all encompassing approach to mental health, which involves caring for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual lives of those they come alongside of.
Not only our Kevin and Lauren involved in mental health, but they are avid triathletes. And when I say avid, I mean Lauren is professionally sponsored, and not only won first place in her first , but she has been on the podium ever since. And Kevin competes regularly in triathlons, completing two races. These two are people who strive to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and because of that, not only do they thrive as a person, but their relationships and work thrive as well.
In this podcast we had a great time talking about a lot of things, but some of the main conversations center around:
--turning insight into change
--striving for balance in our lives
--the importance of relationships to help us grow
--their personal stories of how they got involved in triathlons and how it has helped challenge them to grow
--what to do if you find yourself "stuck" in life
About two years ago I came across Sarah Stanley online which led to a few email exchanges about running and health. And over the course of the last two years I have been both continually impressed and encouraged as I have watched her explore the outer limits of her abilities (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually) through her ulta-running, all the while being fueled on a plant based diet. And her running resume is impressive: 26 marathons, Boston qualifying, 7 50 mile races, and 4 100 mile races...and on and on and on. The intersection of running and food has been resonating with me the last couple of years and is the reason why I wanted to sit down with Sarah and interview her on my podcast.
As you will be able to tell from this interview, Sarah is full of life, and is passionate about so many things. I love that excitement and I love the message she brings at the intersection of our fitness, food and faith.
In this podcast we will explore: * being born and growing up on one of the first certified organic farms in the country * her journey into running from her first 8k to qualifying for Boston to her first 50 and hundred mile races. * the importance of not only food, but what kind of food we put into our bodies. * the issues that she is passionate about such as food advocacy and justice issues. * the intersection of food and our faith and how they can't be separated from one another. * her passion to empower church leaders to lead the way in promoting a healthier message around food, fitness and social justice issues. * her Live Freely curriculum
My dad is an amazing guy. Besides being my father he has taken on many roles over the course of his life such as church planter, pastor, professor, prison chaplain, hospice chaplain, writer, teacher, speaker, spiritual director, radio show host...and co-founder of Water from Rock which is a non-profit ministry based in Scottsdale, AZ, and which provides weekly classes, workshops, retreats, Lenten and Advent devotionals and much, much more. So all that to say, my dad is incredibly wise and has a lot of important insight into some of the issues that we all at times find ourselves struggling with.
In this episode, my dad sits down with a couple of weeks after my 40th birthday as we explore the importance of how we navigate significant life transitions; what it means to discover our passion and how we can go about exploring that; as well as looking at the role of "letting go" in our journey through life so that we may more fully embrace the work of God in our lives.
We talk about and cover all kinds of topics in this episode, but a few of the key themes are:
--some of the keys to transitioning through various stages of life
--ways in which we can discover what we are passionate about
--different spiritual exercises to help you connect with God
--what it looks like to let go so you can open yourself up to embrace God's work in your life
Check out the blog post for this podcast
What can I say about Marc Payan? He is someone who is hard to sum up in just a few words. I first came across Marc in the online marriage and relationship space. Though we first met online I began to occasionally see Marc in person and I have really been inspired by him.
Marc is probably best known now as the founder of Payan X which began with him helping a few people get in shape in his garage, and which now is a "movement" of thousands of people. Though it primarily involves fitness, it is more than that. It's about life transformation in many areas such as leadership, relationships and community....and fitness is just one aspect of that.
But all of this began with Marc's own personal transformation of losing close to 110lbs, becoming physically fit, and then leading a "tribe" of "warriors" that began with a few in his garage...and who are now helping transform the communities around them.
Marc has some great insight into about the importance of "working it out", rather than working out. And about "what's eating you", rather than what you eat. And not about losing your weight, but about gaining health.
This interview is full of all kinds of great insight on how your health and fitness can transform not only you, but also your relationships. Marc has a great story of transformation that will inspire you.
--change driven by guilt and shame versus sustainable transformation
--looking at how some family of origin issues fuel our unhealthy behaviors around food
--the importance of leadership and how to share that vision with others ("dreams are birthed in relationships with others)
--creating space to allow others to collaborate and lead with you
--the importance of the 3 R's in transformation (relate, repeat, reframe)
--essential keys to help you get unstuck
--"fat dad vs. fit dad"
Check out the blog post for this podcast
I have been dreaming and thinking about starting a podcast for about two years, but just never got around to it. As much as I wanted to start it, life just got in the way. Work has been busy in my private practice, as well as speaking and writing. And then there is family life and all the things that come with that as well. Trying to balance out work, family life, as well as my own personal stuff has become a huge challenge over the years...and so the podcast just took a backseat.
So that's why I thought it so important to start my podcast journey off talking about the intersection of self-care and relationships. What I have learned over the years is that when I'm not taking care of myself, I'm just not any good to the relationships around me. My ability to take care of myself directly impacts the relationships that I'm in.
My desire is to be someone who is life-giving, and to breathe life into the relationships around me, rather than suck the life out of them.
So in this episode I explore:
--what self-care is
--the four core areas of self-care (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual)
--ways to implement self-care into your life in a sustainable way
--some baby steps to take towards self-care
--the impact of self-care on our relationships
So I hope you enjoy this first ever Rhett Smith podcast, and that you tune in for more.
Check out the blog post for this podcast