ReThinking Caregiving: Recent Episodes
Esther Mbabazi
Guiding caregivers of spouses with colon cancer, on how to invest in their own well-being first, so they can be in a better position to be the best caregivers. If you have any feedback or questions; Please email us at esther@rethinkingcaregiving.com
It's been almost two years since I started this podcast. I would like to thank you for taking us with you in your car, while you do the dishes, on your walks.
I feel humbled that my knowledge helps you out there, even though we have never met.
I am taking an indefinite break from doing this podcast.
Thank you once again.
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As the new year starts, you are probably going through the caregiver experience once again. You know it is tough, but you can do it. You were built for this.
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Being diagnosed with life threatening cancer can be one of the most challenging situations one can go through. As a caregiver, you don’t have it easy either, walking beside your spouse as they go through this life altering experience, observing how your own mind brings up all the unprocessed stuff that you probably were not aware of until this time, can be nerve wrecking.
It is so easy to be grateful when things are going the way we want them to.. but studies show that gratitude helps us become resilient, gives us hope, in times of adversity.
In this episode I share a few stories of some caregivers and patients that found good things happened to them as a result of the cancer diagnosis. I hope you learn something.
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I have done this, and you probably heard other people who have done the same. When we meet people who are going through a difficult time, we are quick to say comforting words to them, in an attempt to make them feel better.
But what is the real reason behind this? Why do we want other people to feel better? What is wrong with experiencing the other side of life?
In this week's episode, I talk about why we are so preoccupied with making other people feel better.
Take a listen.
Resources:Get our FREE guide on how to improve your own wellbeing so you are in a better position to help your spouse.
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You have probably been encouraged to be positive as your loved one is going through cancer treatments. Nothing wrong with that all...
However, I spoke to a caregiver who said that all this feeling positive all the time, was making her feel like she about to explode.
In today's episode, I talk about how to be positive, as well as the importance of creating space and learning from negative emotion.
Resources:
Download our FREE guide on how to care for your well being, so you care for your loved one.
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‘Many’ caregivers say that they experience a lot of shame from different situations. Or maybe you said something or you behaved in a way that you didn't like. Or maybe you think you should have done something differently. Feeling like you are not enough, because you have a certain image of how you want things to be.
Shame can be such a debilitating emotion when we let it run our lives. In this episode, I walk you through how you can identify the causes of shame, how to process shame, and what you can do the next time you feel ashamed!
Resources:
Get our FREE guide on how to take care of your own well-being so you can help care for your loved one.
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The Holiday Season is here, for some caregivers, they constantly wonder whether it maybe the last one with their loved ones.
In this episode, I talk about how to approach the holiday season even when this maybe your loved one's.
It is not the holiday season that is causing you to dread the holiday season, it is what you think about the holiday season.
Resources:Download ourFREE GUIDEon how to take care of your well being.
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As human beings, we do what we do so we can feel good. But many of us were brought up to believe that it is the other peoples responsibility to make us feel good or worse etc..
The problem with that way of thinking is that we can’t control the actions of other people. Manipulation, threats and ultimatums work for shorter periods of time.
In this episode, I talk about why it is important to take responsbility of our own thoughts and actions because only you, knows what you want or how you want to feel.
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Sometimes when we are caring for our loved one, it is easier to forget the patient’s interests. We don’t even consult them about what they need, we think we know what is best for them.
We don’t want to face the reality that is our loved ones are dying, the treatments aren’t working etc.. because we don’t want to feel the emotions associated with that.
When we embrace a crisis, we see the options available to us; many people describe this stage as peaceful, because there is no fighting reality.
Who do you want to be? The person who opens up to a crisis and becomes stronger? Or the person who pushes their head in the sand hoping for things to go away?
As human beings, we are incredibly resilient. A lot of people have gone through indescribable tragedies, and they are still here today.
Resources:
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What other people say to us are outside of our control.
But our thoughts about what they said create emotions in us, then those emotions drive the actions we take.
What your loved one said doesn't affect you , until you have a thought(s) about it.
In this week's episode, I talk about how what happens outside of us, is neutral until we have thoughts about it. Take a listen.
Resources:
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Our thoughts cause our feelings, then our feelings fuel our actions - In this case the action is - eating.
There is an emotion that precedes the action of eating; there is a thought or story that precedes that emotion.
What would you be doing if you were not eating?
You could feel all the feelings that come up. Feelings are just that - feelings. Though they may be uncomfortable, they don't kill us. When we allow them to be there, instead of resisting, they will go away and then come back.
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We have been conditioned to think that we can solve for our children’s emotional wellbeing. The truth of the matter is that we cannot.
Dr. Wayne Dyer said that our children come through us - because that is how procreation works. But they are not for us. Contrary to what we have been told, we don’t own our children.
Just like us, our children have good and bad days. Because life is 50% good and 50% bad. Because we have both positive and negative emotions.
Our children are not problems to be solved. It is not our job to make them happy. Because happiness, just like any other emotion, comes from our thoughts.
Children are going through biological and changes in their bodies, their brains aren’t yet fully developed to comprehend and understand concepts the way we adults do.
We can let our children feel sad, angry, frustrated etc.. because those emotions are a part of being human. All human beings go through those emotions. It is appropriate to be sad, frustrated, angry etc…when your parent is diagnosed with a life threatening cancer.
Resources:Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for your own well being first, so you can help care for your loved one.
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One part of our brain’s job is to look out for harm and unfamiliar situations. This helped our ancestors live well during those times they lived in caves. This part of the brain protected our ancestors from wild animals, eating poisonous plants and berries etc
Fortunately, today we don’t have the same worries as our ancestors did. We have houses, electricity, we have better hospital facilities, treatments, our chances of being eaten by wild animals are minimal compared to many centuries ago; but our protective brain hasn’t evolved.
In this episode, I talk about the different ways we can redirect our primitive brain to minimize are reactive-ness to circumstances in our lives.
Resources:
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As a caregiver, there are a lot of things that are unknown. A lot of things your brain will interpret as scary - sending you down the rabbit hole of fear.
The more you try to resist the emotion of fear, by eating, drinking or whatever we human beings do to try to ignore feeling fear, the more your brain will fixate on it.
Fear has its benefits. When you are about to be hit by a car then you jump to the curb. When your child is about to fall and catch them. Resources:Download ourFREE guideon how to get started on taking care of your own wellbeing.
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Not taking care of your own wellbeing.
I.e being aware of what you are thinking - not all of it of course. How to become aware of what you are thinking. I.e journaling
Questioning your thoughts, helps you realize what beliefs and expectations you have for yourself and your spouse.
Answering your own questions - to avoid overwhelm and confusion
Embracing negative emotion - helps you become brave + teaches you compassion- when we let ourselves experience painful emotions, it deepens our compassion for others who are experiencing painful emotions. ( allowing ourselves to meet bad experiences without resistance and rejection, we get closer to the best versions of ourselves.)
How do you embrace negative emotions? There are different ways to do it.
Not setting boundaries for themselves
Resources:
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During the caregiving experience, there can be a lot of people coming and going in your life. Many of those people mean well, but we can have certain thoughts about well meaning people, thoughts that may cause overwhelm.
In this episode, I talk about the boundaries; how do we set healthy boundaries without manipulating the other person?
Resources:
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What ever thought you choose to believe, the brain will find evidence to prove it to you. When you think that you wish you had more freedom, your brain will find all that evidence to prove what you are thinking- leading to a belief.
When your brain offers you a question of how can I create freedom in my life, answer that question. Don’t let the question swirl around in your brain. Unanswered questions cause confusion and overwhelm.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for your own well being, so you can be in a better position to care for your loved one.
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Your husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. A lot is changing at a fast pace, your family dynamic is changing.
Accepting his diagnosis seems so hard right now. It is so distressing for me as his spouse to see him so scared. People are wondering how I am coping, but to be honest, I am falling apart on the inside.
You love your spouse, and want him to be well. He is not doing well.
What would you want to feel in order to support them? What thought would you want to lead to that feeling?
In this week's episode, I talk about how you can best your spouse during their cancer treatments.
Resources:
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We can’t make life unfold the way we want it. We get frustrated because of the thoughts we have about how life has unfolded.
Should or should not are perception words. They indicate that something, a situation is supposed to be different than what it actually is….
You try to get your spouse to feel good, and not be down etc…. But you can’t prevent him from feeling negative emotion. It is a part of their life’s journey.
HOlding space of for the people in our lives when they are experiencing negative emotion; is one of the most difficult things we can learn to do as humans.
Resources:
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Overwhelm is a cue that you are holding on to unquestioned thought(s).
Overwhelm is caused by our negative thoughts about a given circumstance(s).
This leads you to question what you are doing as a caregiver, which inturn leads you to stop what you are doing.
In today's episode, I talk about how our thoughts cause overwhelm, and what we can do to relieve it.
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As a caregiver, sometimes you find Caregiving challenging, and you don’t want to do it, other times you may not want to do it.
But you also think that well… someone has got to do it, it is my responsibility to do, this is what loyal spouses do. Nobody else is going to do it anyway. Then you feel guilty or resentful.
Take a moment to part yourself on your back, you are just a human being with a human brain. You are doing a tremendous job;
however, allow for your humanness maybe you are operating on less sleep, don’t we all become agitated when we don’t get adequate sleep? How are you physically and mentally? Are you nourishing your body properly?
The thing is that when you judge yourself harshly, chances are that you judge harshly the other people in your life.
Resources:Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for your emotional wellbeing first, to be in a better position to care for your spouse.
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Part of our brain’s job is to protect us from harm. It is always watching out for danger. When something is deemed dangerous -
Cancer is associated with pain, nausea, cancer treatments can take a toll on the body etc … and sometimes death. A fight or flight response is triggered. You feel fear, become angry, in an attempt to drive the thing away.
Fear is a strong emotion that is most often triggered in the present moment in a response to a known, definite and immediate threat. When you experience intense fear and anxiety, and you feel frozen, know that it is your primitive brain trying to protect you.
In today's episode, I talk about a few techniques you can use to stand back and let fear pass through you, instead of reacting instinctively.
Resources:
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When our lives are turned upside down, we want to identify as victims or the person responsible for whatever happened. We move towards guilt and shame.
And we can still identify ourselves in those roles, we just have to do it with awareness.
But this is the hand of cards we just got dealt,
Does blaming yourself make the diagnosis go away?
We have ideas of how should be…
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Your loved one abandoned medical treatments for alternative healing options.
You are frantic, you think that he is being reckless, you pressure them to recommit to medical treatments.
How would you be showing up if you let go of the idea that your spouse should commit to the treatments that you think are right for him?
In this episode, I talk about how to navigate a situation like the above.
Resource
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Many caregivers experience overwhelm as a result of the responsibility of caregiving. In this week's episode, I talk about a simple way to manage overwhelm, by learning to discern between fact, opinion and stories that we add to circumstances.
Tune in and listen.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to get care for your well-being so you can help care for your spouse.
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When you are lying in bed, your body is healing, destroying cancer cells. Even though it doesn’t look like you are working. What is more important than fighting cancer in your body? Your body is the no.1 priority.
Accepting - This going to be emotionally terrible.
It is not true that we should be happy all the time. Half of the time it will be terrible. I am going to get through this, even though, in spite of, even if….. We want to be happy, but when things don’t go like that, we feel disappointed.
What if you didn't require this of yourself?
Be able to embrace not feeling good. It is okay. Of course, you are feeling this way… this is the way. Use your energy to heal your body.
Being mad that reality is the way it is………….doesn’t help
Resources:Download our FREE GUIDE on how to take care of your wellbeing, so you will be in a better position to care for your spouse.
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The doctor said that given the stage of the cancer, chances are slim that the treatment will help her.
When you feel devastated because you have a thought that you don’t want your loved one to be miserable for the time they have left, what are you not doing?
You are not being present with your loved one, - which is actually what you want. Looking for information, overthinking, wondering how to make it easier for him, trying to come up with ways to make him happy, all these things take you further away from your loved one.
You are not supporting yourself through grace and kindness.
Resources:
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Your spouse’s lashing out has nothing to do with you personally. Let us take a peek in to their brain. The doctor said that the treatments aren’t working. Your spouse is scared and fearful of dying, living you and the children. Maybe you had goals as a family, he is now realizing that he will miss out on achieving those goals. That is why they are angry.
The thoughts that you have about his anger are causing you pain. Not his behavior. You are making this behavior mean something about you. You think that he should behave a certain way, and not say certain things, it is your expectations that are causing you frustration.
Think about it, what do you do when you think he shouldn’t be lashing out? You probably don’t want to be around them, which takes you away from what you actually want - making an intimate connection with your spouse, especially now that things seem to be deeming.
Could you feel compassion for him and say, of course he is scared and fearful? Anytime we come from a fearful space, we come across as angry. When some people are facing their mortality, they get angry.
Resources:
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Worry itself is harmless; but when we resist and fight worry, we get stuck. Think about this for a moment; how do you show up when you are worried? Does the way you show up serve you in your role as a caregiver and interaction with your spouse?
Where does worry come from? It comes from our thoughts, that we believe and attach ourselves to.
How can you politely acknowledge worry without attaching to the story (thoughts)?
When you feel worried, can you look at it with curiosity? Can you let yourself feel worried? What if worry can be there, and you can keep doing what you have planned.
When your brain is focusing on worrying, how would you like to direct your thinking instead of worrying?
Resources:
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Many of us are experts in self-criticism, beating ourselves down. Guilt is our default emotion when we experience humanity, aka …making mistakes.
Self compassion is about extending feelings of kindness & understanding to ourselves when we face failure, hardships and uncertainty. Has an element of wanting the best for yourself.
We can be compassionate with ourselves even when we recognize that we have some not good serving thoughts."
I.e I am aware that I am thinking that I should have figured this out already, and that is okay “I have figured out other situations before, and I know that I will get through it!”
We feel the effect of the emotion of compassion, we allow humanness. Going through tragedies is a human thing. We embrace that.
Being kind to yourself as you face the unpredictable and uncontrollable path of a loved one going through cancer treatments.
Ask yourself, what do I need?
How can I support myself in this challenging situation?
With self compassion, you observe what is going on, then restart, so you have a base on which you can take helpful action.
I.e I feel fearful and that is okay.
I am afraid because of how I think my spouse’s cancer diagnosis will affect him and impact the children.
Fear is an emotion, I can embrace fear and still take action.
Trying to control the trajectory of the disease is mentally exhausting because it is outside your control circle.
Because you are human, sometimes you feel annoyed by things that are outside your control. Ask yourself whether getting annoyed will give you the outcome you want, it will quickly bring you back to compassion.
The more you practice non judgement of yourself, for how you think or feel, the more you will become nonjudgmental towards other people. I like to think of other people as a different perspective of myself. Because you recognize they are all human, trying to do their best.
Non - judgement starts within us. You understand that others have gone through what you are going through and are facing similar challenges.
Put an end to your debilitating, destructive habit of self negative talk, and create a warm, loving, caring space for yourself. Nothing good comes from self judgement and unkindness.
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Rage is a secondary emotion, arising from say feeling hurt, betrayed, used etc… There is a thought or thoughts or belief that you have that are causing you to feel hurt, or betrayed.
In this episode, I talk about the possible causes of rage and how to process and embrace it, so you don't become paralyzed by it.
Rage just doesn’t happen, it comes from thoughts, sometimes the thought or thoughts maybe a little hard to spot, flying under the radar but believe me they are.
- What is the story that you are telling yourself that is causing this emotion sadness, grief etc?
- That this shouldn't be happening to you? Life isn’t fair?
- That this is your time to live life? Now you feel betrayed?
- I want our old lives back, I should be living like i did before my spouse’s diagnosis. Thoughts like these cause anger, sad & resentment
- What is the truth of why you are angry? Is it because my spouse is sick, and I am terrified of losing him?
- Is it because I am terrified of the reduction of our family finances changing since my spouse isn’t working full anytime now? And the bills keep coming? Be honest with yourself.
- Are you scared of raising teenagers alone?
- Are you worried about the impact your spouse’s illness might have on your children? Give yourself space to acknowledge that disappointment.
- I am feeling angry because I am thinking that life should make sense.
- When you allow yourself to feel, it doesn’t stay very long. But when you resist feeling or postpone, it hinders us from going on.
Be willing to open up instead of resisting and closing. If we resist the pain, we make it so much worse. Accepting pain, feeling sad, helps us process whatever is going on better.
Name the emotion, hand on heart, stomach, Breath through it. Nothing has gone here, even though I am feeling this way.
I am angry and scared that my spouse is going through cancer treatments, I am terrified he may not make it. This is a part of being human. I am letting it go through my body. The emotion will rise and rise again, keep breathing and describing what is going on in your body.
This could go on for months, I can handle this today, I don’t know about tomorrow……. I will take it from there.
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We try to escape being human i.e. going through negative emotions that is how people get addicted using drugs, food, alcohol. We can just learn how to feel our negative emotions, and become emotionally strong. Not only that, but we sometimes feel terrible, unhappy etc.
In today's episode, I talk about how the emotions of grief, loss, sadness will appear again and again, because emotions are a part of our being, we acknowledge them again and again, with compassion, supporting ourselves through it all, - you take your hand and place it where it hurts, or where you feel a knot or over your heart if it's racing.
Nothing has gone wrong, I am upset my loved is going through cancer treatments, or he is dying, or I am scared for our future... Be present with whatever comes up, you will feel the grip loosen.
It can be useful to think that whatever you are going through, someone else out there has gone through it, and many people are going through it!
We are conditioned to think that we should be happy all the time. But we don’t want to feel happy when something sad has happened. How can we be sad and…
It is not true that we should be happy all the time. Half of the time it will be terrible. I am going to get through this, even though, in spite of, even if….. We want to be happy, but when things don’t go like that, we feel disappointed.
Be able to embrace not feeling good. It is okay. Of course, you are feeling this way… this is the way. Use your energy to be support yourself now that you have taken over your loved one’s responsibilities at home. Things are changing at home, and I am figuring out how to accept that!
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Can you get curious to see what may be going on for your loved one? Are they scared? They are human as well, trying their best way they know how to navigate this beautiful path called life.
You may not agree with the way they do things, but are you willing to be wrong about that? Can you bring yourself to look things from their point of view? Doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but can you hold space and grace for them? Can you find some compassion in your heart for him/her?
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Someone reached out to me and asked me what I mean when I say that we can use our emotions and thoughts (beliefs) as information to learn more about our selves.
Life is unfair is one of the most used beliefs among people going through cancer treatments. I choose to think that life is neutral, it follows no one's schedule etc.. But as human beings, we have expectations, plans etc.. When life happens - as it has always done, and our expectations aren't fulfilled, then we get annoyed about life being unfair. But it is our beliefs about the beautiful thing called life that cause us pain.
In this week's episode, I explore a few beliefs that cause us pain. Beliefs are thoughts that we have been thinking over and over, they become automatic for us.
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First, you are just human, we are just going to observe frustration and anger, and see what comes up for you.
What comes up for you can be an insight into what beliefs you have, and what are you making things mean?
I could have done more to slow down the process, but how would you have done that? Is there an upside to that thought?
We have no influence over the trajectory of the disease. We only think that we do, but we have no control over what may or may not happen.
We are all walking this beautiful path called life, sometimes we stumble, other times we fall, certain times we get knocked over, it may take a moment before we get up, we dust off and continue walking.
Things are always in transition, day to night, spring, summer, autumn and winter, childbirth, death, from infantry to toddler, to preteen, teenage, adulthood, etc…nothing is constant. The only thing that is constant is change.
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The caregiving experience is one that can a roller coaster of emotions, from anger, sadness, fear, joy, laughter, calmness, to frustrated etc..
Despite what we are conditioned to believe, emotions are a huge part of our being; we can't get rid of them. But we can use them as information to understand what is going on within us, what belief systems do we have etc..
In this episode, we take a look at how we can use anger to find out more about what is going on for us, how we can find peace within us, when we embrace our anger. I know it sounds...out there, but it works.
Remember to get yourself a copy of our FREE GUIDE to help you as you go along your caregiving experience.
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I had the opportunity of helping my mom back on her feet after going through major surgery.
My experience this time was far better than the first time, because I have the skill set of watching in fascination and compassion as my brain was freaking out and offering me all sorts of scenarios.
I hope you learn something from my experience.
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When we don't improve our own well-being, we end up getting in other people's business, creating emotional pain for ourselves. This results into distance between the people that we care for.
In today's episode, I talk about simple ways to care for our own well being, so we can create the connections we want with our people.
Resources:Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for your self, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse.
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Be compassionate with yourself, even when you have a moment. Embrace and drop in your body, where do you feel tense? Does it feel like a knot in your stomach, or is your head spinning? Emotions are the language of the body, while thoughts are the vocabulary of the brain.
Embrace whatever emotion that you feel is moving around your body. Support yourself, nothing has gone wrong, I am scared, I am angry, because my loved one is going through cancer treatments. I am a human being, I am going through a human experience.
When you treat yourself with kindness and compassion, it is easier for you to treat other people in your life the same way. You will realize that other people are having their own human experience the same way you are.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse.
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Families and patients need various types of support, and education, as they ponder what happens at different stages of end of life.
What options they have; what about physical and emotional needs, have someone actively listening to them etc…
In today’s episode, Grief Coach, Death Doula and Dietitian Kathleen Putnam talks to us about how to bring dignity in a way that aligns with the dying person’s values and wishes. Everything from how to help with making difficult decisions when someone is grieving.
Resources:
Kathleen Putnam's Website | Death Cafe Monthly| Challenging Conversations - join us!| Website
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The cancer diagnosis isn’t going away? How can we be present with our loved ones despite the presence of the diagnosis? How can we bring awareness?
Many times, fear can grip in, and prevent us from making meaningful connections during difficult times.
Being there for them, let them voice out their fears without interfering, lecturing and trying to rectify things. Letting things unfold without trying to change the reality.
To be honest, we can’t change the reality, we only think we can.. We let reality be exactly that…
Creating room, acknowledging and extending compassion to our selves, by allowing whatever it is we feel to be there, but choose other actions.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to take care of your well-being, so you can take care for your spouse.
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My guess is, you don’t want to feel the way you do, but you don’t know how and what to do. You are only human, and caregiving is a humongous task to take on, for anyone…
When events happen in our lives, our brains offer us different thoughts about those circumstances. It is up to us to choose which thoughts we believe and which ones we don’t believe.
Those thoughts that we choose either cause us emotional pain or freedom and empowerment. Take a moment, how do you feel when you believe a thought like your needs don’t matter? My guess is when you don’t show up as the best caregiver or spouse you want to be.
It can be a good skill to question your brain about certain thoughts. Yes brain, I think that at this point, my emotional needs don’t matter, but from what we know, each of us is responsible for our own emotions. So if my needs don’t matter, it is because I am not taking care of my own needs.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how take care of your own well-being, so you can take care of your spouse.
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Self compassion, you are just a human being. You make mistakes, just as other people make mistakes, forgiving yourself first, will humanize the other people in your life for you. Not having the desire to care for someone you find abusive is you being human. In all honesty, caring about someone is not for the weak.
We can’t change other people, and comparison is the thief of joy. We get emotional pain when we compare people in our families to other people. We are all different, and unique in our own way. We can choose to embrace other people in our lives for whom they are, instead of trying to turn them into what we want them to be. We miss out on the person in front of us.
Our brains are very powerful organs. Whatever we decide to believe, our brains will produce evidence for that. If we only see the negative in people, the brain will produce plenty of evidence for that.
This doesn’t mean to become door mats for other people, we can set firm boundaries to protect ourselves and the other party.
You can look at the situation, then make a conscious decision. Making conscious decisions is about responding to situations or people instead of reacting. This is a better for your own wellbeing.
Resources:Download our FREE GUIDEon how to care for your own well-being, so you can care for your spouse.
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Your loved one is withdrawn, they won’t respond to your communication. This is coming out of the blue, since you two had a solid relationship prior to the diagnosis.
You feel devastated and hopeless because you are probably thinking that he shouldn’t be doing this. He should be opening up to you, because you want to be there for him/her during this challenging time.
You can see that when you believe the that he should not be excluding me, there is an uneasy feeling, devastation discomfort, fear or panic. All these emotions take you further away from connecting with your loved one.
We all have different ways of navigating challenging situations, maybe this is his way of doing that. Who says it is wrong? Perhaps he is figuring it out, he is coming to terms with the news of the diagnosis.
Of course, he is withdrawn, his life was turned upside down in a blink of an eye.
You could be hopeful that he will open the lines of communication when he is ready.
Be compassionate with yourself, you are a human being, your life was turned upside down as well.
Be compassionate for yourself, you are going through a tough time right now. You are just human, you want the best for your loved one. Even though the lines may get blurred sometimes. Especially for us who are control enthusiasts.
Meet him where he is at, instead of trying to bring him where you are. Not the way you want him to figure it out. Let him handle things his way, not the way you want him to do it.
It is okay to be uncomfortable when the people we care about aren’t doing well or when they aren’t doing things the way we want them to.
We can learn to make ourselves feel good, instead of relying on circumstances outside our control to make us feel good. I.e. Coercing your loved one to open up, is meant to make you feel better about your self, by trying to manipulate the situation.
We can learn to be uncomfortable, when the people we care about aren’t doing things the way we would otherwise want them to. What is the worst that can happen? It is just a feeling. Anger, anxious, sadness, frustration etc… it is a sad time.
Feeling devastated is normal. It is okay, nothing has gone wrong. It is okay to be devastated. When we judge a situation, we add layers of stress to the situation.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself first, so you can help care for your spouse.
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Accepting doesn’t mean we can’t respond or take action. In the case of a cancer diagnosis, while we can’t reverse the diagnosis, or we don’t have influence over the trajectory of the disease, we do have control over our own response.
In my humble opinion, it is accepting what is right there in that moment, not wishing how it should have been at that moment. Then again, responding from that stance. Accepting can mean acknowledging reality and then saying that this is not right for me, I choose to do something differently - instead of wishing the reality was different.
Resources:
Download this FREE GUIDE to guide you on how you can care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver for your spouse.
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As you go about helping your spouse go through cancer treatments, some days are a real struggle.
You can be anxious over the smallest things, trying to keep up with all the items on the to-do list.
You are putting your own emotional and physical needs aside. It is common to feel anxious, fear and constant worry in your daily life.
In today’s episode, board certified Family Physician, Dr. Lisa Yeung, discusses with us how to recognize the warning signs of stress and anxiety. And why it is important to nip them in the bud. Resources:
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Free Yourself from Stress & Anxiety Guide: FreeGuide.LisaYeungMD.com| Instagram | Facebookgroup
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Download this FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse.
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At some point, as you help nurse your spouse back to health, you may find yourself coming with unsolicited advice about what your loved should or should not do.
Maybe they aren’t eating enough “healthy” food, or not taking the precautions that you think they should be taking.
You think they should stay home and not be going out to meet people etc.
Because you are scared for them due to their low immunity.
We can be scared and fearful on behalf of our loved ones, but we can choose to act differently, not from fear. Because taking action from fear, leads to micromanaging other people.
To be honest, no one likes to be micromanaged, not even small children. We work through our own fears and insecurities, first, then we can be there for others.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to take care of your self first, so you can a caregiver to your spouse.
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You are your spouse’s primary caregiver,
You handle all the doctor's appointments, medication, and most of the day-to-day care.
Not only that, but you wake up early and go to bed late every day.
You watch your children and friends live their lives without a care in the world;
while you are “stuck” at home caring for your spouse.
Your older children are rarely around to help;
even though they're maybe living a few minutes away.
They don’t help with his care at all, even though you ask politely.
Sometimes you feel resentment because you are the one caring for your spouse.
You feel like such an awful spouse for feeling resentment towards your spouse, and children.
Resentment is an emotion that is brought about by thoughts.
In this case, your siblings, children or family members aren’t helping you with your loved one’s care.
When we complain about other people's likes and dislikes, and we get emotional pain, then we project that on to them as though those complain were their own.
Then we attempt to change their mind. We are in a really limited place to teach.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to care for yourself, so you can be a caregiver for your spouse.
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Studies show that our emotions are caused by our thoughts. This is why two people can be in the same situation, but may feel different emotions because they have different thoughts about the same situation.
“If we focus on what's ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives”. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Frustration is an emotion that is brought on by a thought or thoughts that you have.
In this case it may be it is hard to overcome the harsh comments and brush them off. We can’t change the event - “spouse’s anger outbursts” but we can change the way we feel about his out bursts.
You can approach the situation with curiosity instead of judgement.
Don’t people get angry when things aren’t going the way they want them to go?
Your spouse is going through life changing cancer treatments, he is probably scared of the long time side effects, or not having control over the trajectory of the disease.
Maybe he is scared of not making - we don’t know.
Thoughts come floating in our brains like snow or rain falling. We can observe them, they are harmless, until we make them something.
Is it unusual for people going through cancer to get angry?
I think that he can be as angry as he wants, as long as you don’t make his outbursts mean anything about you or him.
It is just an observation, no judgement, or story attached. Be gentle and understanding with yourself, accepting and forgiving yourself for all your flaws. You are easy on yourself for you having limitations.
Resources:Get yourself thisFREE guide on how to be a caregiver for yourself, so you can be a caregiver to your spouse.
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We think that we have control over circumstances or events that happen outside us, but if the last two years have taught us anything, it is that we don’t have control over events outside us.
When stuff happens, we blame our selves for not being able to prevent those things from happening, but in actual sense, it is just life unfolding the way life does and has done for as long as we know.
When we are struggling with accepting that circumstances have changed and there is nothing we can do, Sometimes it feels better getting mad at the doctor other than feeling vulnerable and powerless.
But there is power in feeling powerless, we see all the options in front of us, when we accept what is.
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to be a caregiver for yourself, so you can be a CAREGIVER for your spouse.
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As a caregiver, from time to time you may feel paralyzed/trapped, it may seem like you have nowhere to go. Especially when it seems like everyone is getting on with their life, while you are “stuck”.
You must not be your spouse’s caregiver, you can walk away from it all, but you CHOOSE to be his caregiver. Notice the subtle difference in those statements. But it makes a huge difference in how you feel and how you show up as a caregiver/spouse.
All I am asking you to be aware of your thoughts, and how they lead to the way you feel and the actions you take.
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As human beings, we expect our children to grow up and leave home, go start their own lives; we also expect to grow old with our spouses, then die of old age. We don’t expect that diseases like cancer or freak accidents will take our children and spouses way too early from us.
- Treatments no longer working
- Disease is too advanced, doctors say there is no use of curative treatments , they are offering palliative care...
- You are shocked, numb and saddened by this sudden turn of events. You feel like you are on another planet, maybe you are crying.
But losing people dear to us is part of the human experience. Life doesn't follow our structure, rules or wishes, there is no should or shouldn’t be happening in life.
Grief does not only happen after death. Grief can start the moment your loved one receives a bad prognosis, long before death, even though it isn’t understood or acknowledged.
What we don’t realize is that even though our loved ones are here now, and we still have the opportunity to spend time with them, we are grieving for what we are about to lose.
In today's episode, Emily Thiroux Threatt shares her story of losing not one but two spouses. How she was able to pull herself from the dark hole, turned her grief and experience to helping others who are grieving.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Emily Thiroux Threatt's Website | Instagram| Podcast | Facebook | YouTube
Grab our FREE GUIDE on how to get started as a spousal caregiver.
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As human beings, we expect our children to grow up and leave home, go start their own lives; we also expect to grow old with our spouses, then die of old age. We don’t expect that diseases like cancer or freak accidents will take our children and spouses way too early from us.
- Treatments no longer working
- Disease is too advanced, doctors say there is no use of curative treatments , they are offering palliative care...
- You are shocked, numb and saddened by this sudden turn of events. You feel like you are on another planet, maybe you are crying.
But losing people dear to us is part of the human experience. Life doesn't follow our structure, rules or wishes, there is no should or shouldn’t be happening in life.
Grief does not only happen after death. Grief can start the moment your loved one receives a bad prognosis, long before death, even though it isn’t understood or acknowledged.
What we don’t realize is that even though our loved ones are here now, and we still have the opportunity to spend time with them, we are grieving for what we are about to lose.
In today's episode, Emily Thiroux Threatt shares her story of losing not one but two spouses. How she was able to pull herself from the dark hole, turned her grief and experience to helping others who are grieving.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Emily Thiroux Threatt's Website | Instagram
Grab our FREE GUIDE on how to get started as a spousal caregiver.
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When caring for a spouse, the whole experience can be a rollercoaster of emotions, from sadness, anger, grief, frustration, to happiness, some joy, laughter, before feeling guilty and then starting all over.
All those stories that arise from the thoughts and emotions surrounding the caregiving experience can cause unnecessary suffering, if not analyzed for what it is.
In this short episode, I give you examples of clean vs unclean pain and how to go about each of them.
Resources:
Download our FREE GUIDE on how to get started as a caregiver to your spousal.
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You have been struggling with fatigue for a while now, but you don’t have the courage to even sit down and admit how you feel.
You are struggling with saying no to the various tasks, drive around the town running errands because your spouse feels uncomfortable driving at the moment, walking the dog, doing household chores etc.
You get very tired at times, basically the whole ordeal has taken a toll on you. You wonder when your spouse will get better, because you are tired of doing everything; sometimes you wonder if all of this will ever end. You are just one person, a human doing all the above, you are susceptible to burnout.
On today's episode, Dr. Kate Steiner, PhD a Burnout talks to us about burn out and burn out recovery.
Useful resources:Dr. Kate Steiner's Website | Instagram | Burnout Recovery Guide
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Part of learning to observe our thoughts is to help us be intentional with our actions. It seems like an uphill task, because we were not taught to do this, but once you learn this little skill, your life will never be the same.
Allow yourself to be annoyed, not make it mean anything about you. You can allow the anger/annoyance to be there, but choose a different action to take instead of reacting from anger.
Useful Resources:
Download this FREE GUIDEon how to get started as a cancer caregiver.
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Someone once said that the brain and the body were two separate entities. What we think about creates how we feel. Caregiving can bring out all kinds of thoughts or emotions, it is easy to get confused and overwhelmed from the stories that the brain creates as from the thoughts.
Dr. Janeeka Benoit, M.D walks us through, how being intentionally curious with our thoughts can help us prevent stress and burnout.
Identifying our emotions, and practicing self compassion, are key to becoming intentional with our selves. After a lifetime of not being aware, you can step outside the norm, it takes a little courage, practice and being intentional, but it is a much more deliberate approach preventing burn out and stress.
Useful Resources:Dr. Janeeka Benoit'sInstagram & Youtube channelDownload our FREE guideon how to get started as a caregiver.
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At a certain point during caregiving, the you may take over the responsibilities of your spouse in order to reduce your spouse's stress, a concept known as dyadic coping.
In today's Corey Petersen, PhD breaks down the concept of dyadic coping and how it affects the relationship between patient -caregiver & marriage/relationship.
Useful Resources:
Corey Petersen's Website Download ourFREE guideto help you get started.
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Because grief is a complex emotion, it can be especially scary for someone who has never experienced it; It can be challenging consoling family and friends. It may seem that nothing you can or say is of help.
Sometimes in the attempt to console your loved ones, certain things may come across as inappropriate. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, accepting that you can’t do anything to help your loved feel better can be a good place to start.
In this week’s episode, Heidi Dunstan, a widow and Grief Educator turned her own pain and grief into helping others. She talks to us about what not to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Heidi Dunstan's Website | Instagram
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As a caregiver, sometimes you feel guilty of not going out and spending time with your spouse even though your spouse is feeling better for the first time in months. Your children didn’t want to go either, but your spouse would like you to go, but you are too tired to even consider it.
You are doing a tremendous job, caring for a spouse and children. Treat yourself with compassion, it is okay. You are prioritizing your own mental health, that is self-care. You are showing your children how to take care of themselves.
Get yourself this FREE GUIDE on how to get started as a caregiver.
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Living in a constant overwhelm, stress and anxiety can slowly lead to thinking that sleep is unimportant. Your ability to think clearly, effectively care for your own welfare and your family’s needs is severely affected when you are sleep-deprived.
Sleep is a fundamental need to human beings, just as eating or breathing. Studies show that during sleep, our brain resets during sleep, gets rid of all the gunk that damages our bodies.
In this week’s episode, Sleep Consultant & Health Coach Martha Lewis, talks to us about the dangers of chronic sleep deprivation and how you can reverse that and get a good night of sleep.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Martha Lewis's Website | Instagram
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Caregiving is an emotional experience, it brings up all sorts of thoughts & emotions, which may cause more confusion. Practicing self compassion is a great way to handle whatever comes up for you, and learn to be compassionate with the people in your life, building better and meaningful relationships as a result.
In this brief bonus episode, I share with you how self-compassion helped me heal and become compassionate in my personal and work relationships.
Resources:Down thisFREE guide to help you get started on your caregiving path.
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A life-threatening illness like colon cancer to your spouse can be physically and emotionally demanding to the caregiver, coupled with other stressors like reduced family income, conflicting opinions regarding your spouse’s treatments, meeting the emotional needs of your children, figuring out the new family dynamic, little sleep to no sleep, fatigue, feelings of not being enough, all the above can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful and burnt out.
Many studies show that family caregivers suffer from depression, insomnia, hypertension overeating, have an increased risk of suicide and other health ailments.
In today’s episode, Rachel Hunter, a licensed psychotherapist & a coach walks us through why and how you as a caregiver need to nurture your own emotional and physical welfare because it is just as important as meeting your family’s needs.
Resources mentioned on the show:Rachel Hunter'sWebsite | Instagram | Facebook
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Caring for a spouse or any other human being can be stressful and an emotional rollercoaster because of the physical and emotional demands, related to caregiving.
As a caregiver, building resilience and wellness help you as you navigate the uncharted waters of caregiving. Learning to listen to our thoughts, watching them with curiosity, seeing them for what they are and not what we want them to be.
Resilient living helps you utilize your skills, strengths and weakness to cope and recover from challenges related to caring for your loved one.
Courage and resilience help you sustain your health as a caregiver, and increasing your capacity to care for your loved one and other life's storms.
In this week’s episode, Leah Davidson, Speech Pathologist & Certified Resilience Coach, talks to us about how & why we can build grit, resilience & perseverance.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Leah Davidson'sWebsite|Instagram| Facebook| Clubhouse | FREE guide on how to process emotion.
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Caring for a spouse or any other person for that matter can be overwhelming, making life-changing decisions from fear can be nerve wrecking. Nid talks to us about how to gain clarity to get reconnected to our bodies, something that comes in handy when navigating the uncharted waters of caring for a spouse.
Nid is a former attorney at law, turned her life around after suffering a major brain injury to start helping other people like her. A reformer and mat work instructor, ZEN*GA training (fascia movement), Yoga Nidra, Raja yoga Pranayama and Meditation, and 200 hours Yoga Teacher Training.
She undertook Breast Cancer rehabilitation, back care, osteoporosis, scoliosis, joint injuries, stabilization principles, athletic conditioning.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Nid's Website| Youtube|InsightTimer
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Caring for a spouse with cancer or any other person can be overwhelming, and an emotional rollercoaster. Before you know it, you are reaching for food in response to what you are feeling.
Emotional eating isn’t the same as physical hunger, but it still leads to excessive consumption of calories, weight gain, and a host of other diseases.
If you have challenges dealing with your emotions, you may unconsciously reach for food when caring for your spouse becomes challenging. By using food to soothe “unpleasant” emotions, you automatically increase the odds of becoming an emotional eater.
Master Certified Life Coach Jillian Lama is here to help us understand the difference between eating for fuel and eating as a response to our emotions; And how do we differentiate between the two?
Resources mentioned on the show:
Jillian Lama's Website |
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Our bodies use food as fuel, to provide energy for our brain, muscles, heart and lungs. But unlike physical hunger, upsetting thoughts like fatigue, exhaustion, guilt, anger, grief, despair, can lead to reaching for food for comfort.
During challenging times, it is easier to subconsciously respond to those emotions by reaching for food, aka emotional eating. Studies show that emotional eating can lead to obesity, food dependency, and a host of other ailments associated with unhealthy weight gain.
The holiday season is around the corner, you may not be able to attend large family gatherings because it is not the smartest choice for your loved one; your loved one may not be feeling well, they prefer to stay at home; Or this is the first holiday season without your spouse. You are in the throes of grief, you don’t feel like being around other people - that is okay. All the above circumstances can unconsciously lead to reaching food.
In this week’s episode, Cassie Christopher, a body-positive Registered Dietitian, breaks down what causes emotional eating, in addition she teaches us healthier ways to view food and develop mindful eating habits, how to recognize triggers that lead to emotional eating; Learning to use food as a fuel for the body, and healthier ways to manage our emotions.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Cassie's Website | FREE Heal Emotional Eating Guide
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Ashley Jackson was in the prime of her life, young, in love and newly engaged to the man of her dreams. After a routine check with the doctor, the newly engaged couple were faced with some difficult decisions to make.
In this week's episode Ashley Jackson shares her story about how she navigated the uncharted waters of caregiving at a young age. What she would have done differently if she were to do it all over again.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Ashley Jackson's Website| Instagram | Facebook
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Angela Legh shares with us how to build resilience as a caregiver.
Cultivating resilience is a skill set, but it is do-able. It takes time, energy and requires being resourceful because different people respond to overwhelming circumstances differently.
Resilience helps us to become flexible through the different challenges that caring for someone may throw our way.
What works for you, may not necessarily work for the next time. In the same way, the caregiving experience is different for everyone.
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Robert Lehmberg, MD was a Palliative/Hospice physician, then he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer after a routine CAT scan. His devoted wife and primary caregiver Jennifer O’brien held his hand as he did cancer treatments and untimely passing. She opens up to us about how that experience was, the good the bad and everything in between.
Jennifer has vast experience in practice management and administration in larger medical practices, she has a thorough understanding of the American Healthcare, but holding her husband’s hand during cancer treatments was both a huge honor and challenging phase in her life.
Jennifer documented all the preparations, the support system, grieving process and embracing her spouse’s cancer diagnosis in a journal called the Hospice Doctor’s Widow as a tool for you to help you get started on your caregiving tasks.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Buy the Hospice Doctor’s Widow Journal from here & here.
Jennifer O’brien’s Website & Instagram
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Caring for a spouse can be overwhelming, lots of thoughts and emotions.
By becoming aware of your thoughts and subsequent emotions, you learn to deal with overwhelm and manage the caregiving tasks better.
Learning to differentiate between thoughts vs the facts leads to clarity. Many times our brains will make up stories, which can cause us pain and suffering, confusion and more overwhelm.
In today's episode, Mr. Stephen Pleasant walks us through simple ways to manage overwhelm by learning to identify our thoughts.
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Caring for a loved one can be stressful, overwhelming and difficult at times. Many studies show that caregivers adopt “bad” coping habits during one time in their caregiving days to combat the stress that is brought about by caring for someone.
One of the "bad" coping habits is emotional eating; which may lead to unintentional weight gain, insomnia, depression to mention but a few.
In today’s episode, Master Life & Weight loss coach Jillian Lama explains to us the different ways to identify and deal with the different layers that make up emotional eating.
Resources mentioned on the show:
Jillian Lama's website & Instagram
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Dr. Robert Yoho offers first-hand insight into the inner workings and relationships between the big pharmaceutical companies, specialist doctors and how intricate the FDA is.
This book will help patients and caregivers become proactive in order to make better decisions, gain better knowledge on how the American health care system works and learn to ask the right questions while at the doctor.
It is backed by extensive research in medicine and gives you a glimpse into how medical research is done and considered.
Buy Dr. Yoho's book Butchered by Health care You can also buy a copy of Butchered by Healthcare here. ( affiliate link)
Dr. Yoho's Website
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Most of us just don’t want to deal with estate planning, we know it is wise to do it, but we avoid dealing with it.
Estate planning is what adults do, it is equivalent to doing our taxes. It is boring, but we are required to do it. Yes, even 18-year-olds can do their estate planning. Contrary to popular belief, estate planning isn't only for the wealthy.
In this week’s episode, Estate Planning Attorney Jennifer Gumbel walks us through what estate planning, how is it done and why everyone that is legally down should have their affairs in order.
Resources mentioned on the show.
Jennifer Gumbel's Website & Instagram.
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In this week's episode, Wendy Crabbe an Oncology Nurse Practitioner, Life & Weight Loss Coach walks us through ways you can support your spouse during and after chemotherapy treatments.
Wendy also shares insights on how you can become the best caregiver you wish to be, from a place of compassion. She goes ahead and shares tips on how to avoid overwhelm and burnout.
Wendy Crabbe's Website | Instagram
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In today's episode, Cathy VandenHeuvel shares with us her experience, caring for her husband while he was getting cancer treatments.
She also shares tips & tools she used to manage her physical and mental health during the heavy days of being a spousal caregiver. The tools she used to manage household, financial and emotional responsibilities.
Cathy VandenHeuvel's website | Podcast
Resources mentioned on the show:
Cleaning for a Reason - Cleaning homes for cancer patients (USA) -
Free, specialized, in-home child care resources for mothers with cancer - (USA)
We are not affiliated with the above organizations.
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We had the opportunity to talk to Jenni Daniel the advocate for Breast cancer patients and caregivers.
Jenni talks about how to advocate for your spouse/partner. How to navigate the insurance companies?
How do you balance the caring tasks and your daily lives?
How can you the caregiver get the help you need; what kind of help do you actually need?
Resources mentioned on the show:
Jenni's website | Instagram | Facebook
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On this week's episode, Kaela McKaig shares her story & experience of how she and her mom cared for her dad, who had 6 different types of cancers.
The challenges they faced while navigating the health care system, being in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms.
She also shares the things she learned, and how she would do things differently today.
Resources:
Kaela McKaig Website | Instagram
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Share your fears with others, they may be a listening ear, or offer a shoulder to cry on when you need to release overwhelming tension. When you keep worries inside, they build up.
You will realize that other people in the same situation have the same fears you have. Not only will you bond over that, but you will be able to help and support each other.
You are going to be a primary caregiver of your spouse, it is a huge task, you are going to have self-doubt, fear & anxiety.
It is okay to be scared; caring for someone, isn’t easy. You have probably never cared for someone before, even if you have, no caregiving situation is the same.
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In the perfect world, children and their parents get along. Children put aside their differences when their parents are going through cancer treatments or any other life-threatening illness. Families put up a united front for each other when a tragedy of this magnitude strikes.
But the truth is, we don’t live in a perfect world, many families out there don't get along, even in the face of disaster; And that is the reality, that is what is for those families.
As human beings, we want everybody to get along in the family, even when they clearly don’t want to. We feel good when everyone is getting along and behaving "nicely" etc.
Telling other people how to behave ALMOST never works. If it does, it works temporarily, because grown people, behave in any way they wish to.
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Your efforts to keep providing care, your spouse’s overall health isn’t improving. It is declining, he is requiring frequent care.
During this time, you are especially vulnerable to feeling guilty. You have strong sense of commitment to provide exceptional care for your spouse, you may feel incompetent to do the necessary job and feel guilty.
Guilt is an emotion that is brought on by thoughts you have about a certain situation. Guilt keeps you focused on the things you haven’t done right, taking you away from the good job that you are doing.
You put your body, heart & soul into caring for your loved one, and they are still not improving. Nothing you do makes a difference.
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Grief does not only happen after death. Grief can start the moment your loved one receives a bad prognosis, long before death, even though it isn’t understood or acknowledged.
Losing people dear to us is part of the human experience. Life doesn't follow our structure, rules or wishes, there is no should or shouldn’t be happening in life.
What we don’t realize is that even though our loved ones are here now, and we still have the opportunity to spend time with them, we are grieving for what we are about to lose.
Grief & love are interwoven. Grief is the price we pay when we lose someone that we care about. Take a look at a straight line; on one side is love and caring, while on the other side is loss and grief.
Resources mentioned in the episode:
Books:
- It’s Okay That You are Not Okay - Megan Devine.
- Reclaiming Banished Voices: Stories on the Road to Compassion, by Lawrence Lincoln
- Please Be Patient, I'm Grieving: - Gary Roe
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Your life changed overnight, you became your spouse's primary caregiver. A role that changed your life and your family's life.
In this episode, we go through the challenges other caregivers made in the start. I hope you will get some tips to help you on your journey.
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Sad, painful and outright excruciating events may befall us, but it is our thoughts about those events, that cause us emotional pain and anger.
I have grown to think that acceptance isn’t just about accepting whatever circumstance we may be facing, & not trying to change it, but accepting that we may have to go through some degree of discomfort, pain, anxiety when accepting what is…
However, this doesn't mean that believing that certain circumstances will continue to exist.
Accepting what is, help us feel the pain, we don’t rush to get away from being uncomfortable, since it comes from the thoughts we have. The circumstance doesn’t cause the pain, the pain comes from our thoughts that we attach to the circumstance.
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As a caregiver, dealing with the health sector after their loved is diagnosed can be an uphill task. Sometimes things go slower than the speed than you would have wanted because you are dealing with different people in a new setting for you.
One way to combat perfectionism, is practicing self compassion. Think about this, if your friend was in the similar position? What would you do for them? Would you tear them down, or would you be understanding and kind to them? You can practice doing the same to yourself.
All we need is to be good enough, NOT perfect. It is empowering to realize that you don’t need to be perfect.
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In the perfect world, a spouse is “supposed” to take care of the another, when a debilitating illness like colon cancer strikes. Some spouses choose to take care of their significant others, while other spouse choose not to be hands-on caregivers. Either side is ok.
When your spouse needs a caregiver, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it should be you. Studies show that caregivers die earlier, suffer multiple health issues, are more suicidal than non caregivers.
Professional caregivers can do a better job many times because they are trained, it’s a job. Fluctuations in temperament during illness are not processed the same way by professionals. I want my loved ones to remain loved ones.
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You have probably been told that, newly diagnosed cancer patients and their caregivers being advised to stay positive in order to beat the disease….
Being positive helps you take care of your self, choosing healthier habits, like eating healthier meals, getting adequate sleep. Patients who are positive comply with what the protocols the healthcare team puts in place, because non-compliant patients can lead to worsening of the disease, death and not to mention increased healthcare costs.
Many caregivers and patients put lots of pressure on themselves trying to be upbeat and positive all the time. Some people are so terrified of being construed as negative, they fight the “non-positive” emotions when they come up.
Instead, they try to distract themselves, and shove down what even emotion that comes up ending with tremendous guilt and anxiety, which may affect their daily lives outside of caregiving.
Resources:
Download our FREE guide on how to get started on your caregiving duties.
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Facing one life-threatening circumstance after another can make this outcome more likely. But this is all part of being human.
When one tragedy after another hits you or your family, you may start believing that life is against you, feel powerless, become fearful and angry, other people, God, the universe, the situation you are in and not to mention those around you.
The problem with this approach is that you may start to think that you are just happening, and have no control over anything.
Why not me understands that on the other side of loving our spouses, children, parents, siblings & friends etc. is the potential of losing them and grieving for them.
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Caring for a spouse going through colon cancer treatments can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult at times.
Because of the exhaustion, you may feel shame and guilt for not being able to care for your spouse the way society “dictates” you should. Many caregivers carry with them emotions of guilt & shame because they are not able to everything themselves, caring for their spouses and meeting their children’s needs - the way that would make other people approve.
Expectations that are rooted in perfectionism, culture, image & appearance, aging etc.
Getting used to the idea that you are enough, and that progress is better than perfection. Think about it, what is better for you? Taking a much-needed break to recharge your body, to prevent burn out or having a well manicured lawn.
Resources:
- Book yourself a FREE guidance call, to help you if you feel stuck to help you on your caregiving path.
- Follow us on Instagram & Facebook
- Download our FREE guide to help you getting started as a caregiver.
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“Many” parents struggle with the decisions to either tell or not to tell their children when the other parent is diagnosed with cancer. This is normal because as parents, if it were entirely up to us, I think that we would prefer to shield our children from experiencing pain.
In a study of children with parents with advanced cancer, children who were informed of their parent's cancer from the beginning had lower anxiety than the children who were not told.
The anxiety was related to the children’s knowledge, or lack of it, and the inability to discuss the illness with the parents.
They will observe your demeanor and that of the other people in the home, e.g excusing yourself to go to another room to answer the phone… in whispers.
They may be overwhelmed by the intense emotions. Because children don’t know how to process their emotions, this may lead to increased arguing and sometimes fighting with siblings, parents, & their teachers or other adults.
Children react, in part, to what they see from the adults around them. When parents and caregivers deal with a family crisis calmly and confidently, they can provide the best support for their children.
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A small insight for your loved one preparing to start, or are currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments.
It is also helpful for you the caregiver or friend who wants to learn more about what your loved one maybe going through
Resources:
Book a FREE guidance call
Follow us on Instagram & Facebook.
A FREE guide to help you get started on your caregiving duties.
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Some people are able to rely on their parents for some sort of loyalty or support especially during challenging times? My friend never had in her life.
Her spouse, has been going through cancer treatments for a while, has new family dynamic that is starting to take a toll on her. Meeting their younger children’s needs, her spouse’s needs and most of all her own needs to be able to show up as the best version of herself.
In the perfect world, the parents that put everything on the side to be there for their children especially during childhood…
However, in the real world, things are not always like that. Some parents will literally put their lives on the back burner, to focus on their children’s needs.
Others will juggle their own lives, together with their children’s lives. While others, for whatever reasons they have, may struggle or fail to meet their children’s needs.
Accepting our parents the way they are, instead of focusing on what we would like them to be, saves us emotional pain.
This is hard, it requires settling for what is in front of us, and we may not even what that. But to be honest, that is the hand of cards we were dealt.
The only thing you can control is your own thoughts & emotions.
Resources:
Follow us on Instagram & Facebook
A FREE guide for you who is just starting on your caregiving duties.
Book a FREE guidance call on how and where to get started on your caregiving duties.
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We all must walk our own journey, we can walk side by side,
but you cannot walk for me, and I cannot walk for you.
It is natural to be upset when your grown children do not step in to help.
When we expect things from other people, we judge others.
- When we let go of expectations;
- We concentrate on what we CAN do;
- Accept people for who they are;
- Have deeper relationships.
In the book 7 habits of Highly Effective People the author illustrates a mental to help us focus on what is actually important in our lives.
Resources:
Follow us on Instagram & Facebook
A FREE GUIDE to help you get started on your caregiving duties.
Book a FREE guidance call to help you get started on your caregiving duties.
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Caring for someone out of obligation, guilt and not love is a recipe for resentment. Doing everything yourself or most of the things your self, can complicate the situation.
You may become resentful towards other family members and other people that you think should be helping you out.
You may slowly become resentful when your spouse behaves in ways that make providing care more challenging. The thought that your spouse isn’t taking the responsibility for improving his health, may lead to resentment.
What are some of the steps that you can take to prevent resentment?
How do you deal with resentment?
Resources:
Follow us on Instagram.
Follow us on Facebook
Free guide to you who is just starting
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In this episode we talk about finding a balance in your relationship between being a caregiver and a spouse. You need to find room for your relationship.
A colon cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments and side effects can rock the strongest of marriages. Some couples become closer and their marriages come out stronger on the other end, while other families can be pulled apart, leading to the “caregiver and patient” relationship. Finding that balance is important.
Find out how to walk that tight rope between spouse and caregiver, to avoid creating a caregiver & patient relationship
Resources:
Instagram
Facebook
A FREE guide to getting started on caregiving path
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Overnight, you were thrown into the caregiving role, and it has become a huge part of your life and your identity. It is your primary focus and a vast majority of your time is spent coordinating care, planning, shopping etc.
Caring for a loved one can bring joy and can be incredibly satisfying, meaningful and joyful. At the same time, being a primary caregiver to your spouse can be incredibly hard and demanding.
Studies show that caregivers go on to develop other ailments like compromised immunity, depression, insomnia, weight, gain, other mental and physical diseases.
Burnout can be defined as a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion, that may arise when caregivers do not get the help they need emotionally, physically and financially.
What are the signs of burnout & how can you prevent burnout?
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In this episode we talk about the patient who goes to palliative care at the point of diagnosis.
What does palliative care mean?
Is the cancer incurable ?
What is the goal of treatment?
Does this mean death?
Can people live for years under palliative care ?
How is the treatment driven ?
Who makes up the palliative care team?
Resources:
Website
Instagram
Facebook
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My husband is my best friend, he was recently diagnosed with colon cancer after a CT scan done because of unexplained stomach pains.
The whole family is scared, the children are upset. Can you tell me more about the process? Why can’t he just start chemotherapy right away?
I feel like he is losing precious time by waiting. The hospital said they have delays because of backlog of cases due to COVID-19. He is scheduled for a colonoscopy in 2 weeks time.
Resources:
Podcast Website
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Follow us on Facebook
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Many caregivers agree that there is joy and satisfaction in caregiving; even though it can be incredibly challenging. You can end up in a bad negative space, without being aware of it.
Getting your thoughts out of your head and allows you the space to deal with your emotions in a better way. The act of externalizing your thoughts helps you realize that there is space between thought and action. That is where our growth lies.
Resources:
https://podcast.arisehaven.com
Free guide on how to get started after your spouse is diagnosed with colon cancer.
Follow us on Instagram & Facebook
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In today’s episode we talk about the importance of upping calorie intake during colon cancer treatments. Why your spouse’s body needs to be in top shape before starting treatments.
Why being underweight or having poor nutritional status when going through cancer treatment exposes your spouse to a lot of problems.
This episode covers solutions to help improve your spouse’s appetite, calorie intake.
Resources:https://arisehaven.com/spousalcareguide
https://facebook.com/arisehaven
https://instagram.com/arisehaven
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In today’s episode we are looking at the topic of pain Cancer patients can deal with. It is important to be pro-active when it comes to pain. Not every Colon Cancer Patient will have pain.
There are different reasons Colon Cancer Patients might be experiencing pain.
- Surgery
- Post Chemo Pain
- Post radiation pain
- Tumor Growth
- Chronic pain
- Tense muscles
Pain Management has come a long way and is much better now than it was in the 80s 90s or early 2000s.
It is important that medication be used the way it is intended, so be sure you know and follow the instructions.
We also look at opioids. What they work for and what they do not work for. How to know if you or your loved one is becoming dependent.
Useful Resources
Website : https://arisehaven.com
Spousal care guide: Spousal Care guide
Instagram: arisehaven
Facebook: arisehaven
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When you have a sick spouse, and you care for them you want what is best for them. In the pursuit of getting them what is best the lines between caring and care taking can become blurry. You can find yourself in a controlling atmosphere.
Caring allows others to figure out things for themselves.
Caring respects boundaries.
Caring does not judge the choices of others.
You need to get your thoughts in order. Know the difference between thoughts and facts. Write down your thoughts to find patters.
Write these things out
· Things I can do today
· Things I need help with
· Things that can wait
· Things I cannot do any about
For more information see these links.
Spousal care guide - https://arisehaven.com/spousalcareguide
Instagram - https://instagram.com/arisehaven
Facebook - https://facebook.com/arisehaven
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In this episode, we go through some of the question that you and your spouse can ask the surgeon at the Pretreatment Assessment appointment.
Now that the biopsy report is back, what does that mean?
Why does the surgeon think it is best to have surgery as a first line of treatment?
Will the surgery remove all the cancer?
Will your spouse need chemotherapy after surgery?
What are the potential complications of the proposed surgery?
How long does it usually take to recover from a procedure of that nature?
And many more..
Resources mentioned on the show:
For more information see these links.
Spousal care guide - https://arisehaven.com/spousalcareguide
Instagram - https://instagram.com/arisehaven
Facebook - https://facebook.com/arisehaven
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On this episode of the ReThinking Caregiving podcast, I talk about how an ileostomy can be life-changing.
Find out what an ileostomy is, how to prevent blockages, seepage, and leakages in addition to keeping the patient clean and safe.
Highlights:
- What makes an ileostomy life-changing?
- What does your spouse need to take care of their stoma, and what can they do in case of a leakage?
- Which foods can cause leakages & blockages?
- Your spouse may need to try out different bags, rings, and plates before they find the one that works for them.
- Your spouse may notice tablets while emptying the contents of the bag.
- What are ghost tablets?
- How you & your loved one approach intimacy with an ileostomy?
Resources mentioned:
Arise Haven Website: https://arisehaven.com
Arise Haven on Facebook: https://facebook.com/arisehaven
Get a free spousal care guide: HERE
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In today's episode, we are talking about how to ask for help as a caregiver. At the start of your caregiving duties, you feel energized, you can do it all alone......
A few months in, you may feel like you can't go on, you can't do this alone, you need help.
You have probably heard the classic "let me know when you need help with anything" speech
The truth is, people need to be told what it is exactly that you need help with.....
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On this episode of the Rethinking Caregiving Podcast, the host, Esther talks about the difficult situation that arises when your spouse decides to stop getting treatments altogether.
She addresses the various reasons leading to your spouse to ending treatment and offers amicable ways to handle it as a caregiver.
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There is a fine line between anticipation and pessimism.
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You can not use your phone when it is not charged. Likewise, you will not be able to take care of your spouse, if your health is not in good shape. When was the last time you had a colonoscopy?
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