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Michael has built a career at the intersection of data, teaching, and strategy. Always circling the same question: “How do we make better decisions amid a complex reality?” Throughout his career, he has helped people uncover the deeper structures beneath their most pressing challenges.

Michael’s perspective draws from an uncommon combination of experience. Over twenty years in consulting, data, and technology taught him to think in systems. Five years as an adjunct professor sharpened his ability to make complex ideas accessible to anyone willing to learn. Nearly twenty-five years as a poker player gave him a visceral understanding of variance, probability, and the limits of control. Those lessons echo throughout these pages.

He is the creator of The Stoic Systems Thinker, a newsletter where ancient Stoic philosophy meets modern systems thinking, and new book by the same title. At the core of his work is a belief he keeps testing: wisdom isn’t a mystical gift reserved for the few, but an emergent property of a well-designed life system. The ideas in this book have been tested in conference rooms, classrooms, and at the poker table, and they’ve shaped the way he lives his own life.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

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Habits are a key part of our lives. We have helpful habits that help us accomplish what we set out to do. We also have some that we’d like to get rid of. But what if I told you that sometimes one good habit is all it takes to reorient our lives and make lasting changes? In this week’s episode we’ll discuss the importance of keystone habits and how you can find yours.

"All our life, so far as it has definite form, is but a mass of habits." — William James

I love to cycle. Ever since I watched the Kona Ironman competition on TV on 2003, and decided that I wanted to be that hardcore, cycling has become become a key part of not just my weekly workout routine, but a core part of my identity. While for some it may sound like torture, a 35 mile ride on a warm Saturday is my idea of an afternoon well spent.

But what this one habit brings to my life is far more than just fresh air and great legs. It influences other areas of my life in profound ways. You see, when I started training for triathlons, I was not what a triathlete should look like. I was out of shape. At 195 pounds (about 88 kilograms for you non-Americans) and only 5’7” (170 cm) tall, I was carrying a lot of extra weight. I had bad eating habits, preferring Mt. Dew over water. I could barely run a 5k in under 35 minutes. In high school I could do it in half that time.

But once I started down that path, it became the centering principle of my life. I would ride my bike to work, often taking the long way home. I changed my diet to healthier food and smaller portions. When I would go out to eat, I would divide my meals in half, setting aside the second half for home, so I wouldn’t overeat. Because I was working out more, I slept better.

And while I only competed in a single short course triathlon before focusing on just cycling, it changed the direction of my life. My gym routine, my diet, my alcohol consumption, and my sleep are all in service to helping me maintain my fitness for the bike. This in turn keeps me healthy, functional, and feeling better mentally.

This is what Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habits, calls a “keystone habit”. In short, it’s a core habit that influences other behaviors. It reenforces other habits making them easier to follow. Once you find that habit, it orients the rest of your life around it.

The Philosophy

A keystone habit isn’t necessarily the most important habit from a moral sense. Cycling doesn’t make me a more virtuous person in itself. A keystone habit is the habit with the highest leverage. It creates an identity shift that makes virtuous choices easier by default, not through willpower. In my case because I consider myself a cyclist, my other choices are filtered through the question: “what would a cyclist do?” In my case: eat less dessert, skip the beer, and get a good nights sleep.

A keystone habit doesn’t have to be physical one. It can also be a cognitive one as well.

Marcus Aurelius had a keystone habit of writing in his journal. That habit grounded him in way that had an influence on everything else in his life. How he ruled, the books he read, the people he spent time with, how he treated other people. It was a high leverage habit that helped him be the kind of person he wanted to be.

Seneca had a habit each night of reflecting on his day. He would take stock of what he did well that day and what he could improve. This simple habit of taking time each day became an anchor for finding his weak spots and resolving to do better tomorrow.

Creatures of Habit

So why are good habits such an in important part of of lives?

Because we are creatures of habits. Literally. Humans develop habits so that we don’t have to think through how to do something every time we do it. Think about if you had to consciously manage each step in getting dressed? If we had to give our full attention to each button or zipper, or each time we had to tie our shoes? It would be tiring. Habits save us time and energy.

Think about the first time you learned how to tie your shoes. How much time and effort did that take? It wasn’t easy. But once you got it down, then you could do it without having to really think about it.

Bad habits come about the same way. We often pick them up without thinking about them, only to find that they are much harder to put down. I’ve had plenty of friends who picked up smoking because they hung around friends that were smokers. It was easier just to go along to get along. But years later, when trying to quit, they routinely complained about how hard it was, wishing they have never started.

Your eating habits were probably shaped by the household you grew up in. As a child you really didn’t have a choice in what food was available in your house. But those choices influenced you and created habits that you probably carried into adulthood.

Until we become aware of our habits and interrogate them, we can run on autopilot. If the habit is helpful it can lead to great results and happier life. The habits that don’t serve us, can keep us stuck, holding us back from reaching our highest potential.

Excellence is a Habit

There’s a quote that is often misattributed to Aristotle, which goes:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”

And I admit that I have misattributed as well on this podcast. It’s actually from Will Durant, the author of The Story of Philosophy, as a commentary on Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. When researching quotes for this episode, I found the whole passage from the book and it’s well worth reading the whole thing:

“Excellence is an art won by training and habituation: we do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have these because we have acted rightly; "these virtues are formed in man by his doing the actions"; we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” — Will Durant (commentary on Aristotle in inner quotes)

Think about that. We don’t act because we have virtue or excellence. We act and then develop virtue and excellence. Most people have it backwards. They think you need to be motivated to do the right thing. Aristotle claimed it’s the other way around.

Musonius Rufus

One of the most under appreciated Stoics is Gaius Musonius Rufus, a prominent Stoic philosopher in the 1st century AD, and mentor to Epictetus. Like many of the great philosophers of his day, we don’t know a lot about him because we have very little of his writings. But the writings and references we have about him are of a disciplined and principled man, who taught more about ethics than logic or physics. He was also a farmer who believed that physical labor was essential to building good character.

Musonius believed that the greatest impediment to living a moral life were prejudices we carry from childhood. He saw philosophy as the mental art of healing, and that our actions are indicators of our mental well-being. He taught that right action was more important than discussion. As he put it:

“Practice is more important than theory... because it more effectively leads humans to action than theory does.” — Musonius Rufus

For him, it didn’t matter what you knew, or what you said, but what you did.

Your Habits Control You

One of the key aspects of Stoicism is the dichotomy of control. This is where we clear understanding of what we can control and what we can’t. Habits are a way that we give up some control to make things easier. We end up with behaviors that we’re often barely aware of that control many aspects of our lives. Since we’re driven by habits, it’s important that we choose the habits that drive our lives.

Musonius Rufus recognized that we often err not because we don’t understand the right action, but that we act out of habit:

“So in the majority of other things, we address circumstances not in accordance with the right assumptions, but mostly by following wretched habit.” — Musonius Rufus

Even 2000 years ago, he saw that our habits were incredibly influential on the actions that we take. Bad habits can overcome good intentions.

We might have keystone habits that are detrimental to our lives. People who are addicted to drugs or alcohol have turned something that might have helped them cope in the short-term into something that controls their live. They have a negative keystone habit because everything in their lives revolves around it.

We can also have negative mental keystone habits. Have you ever been around someone that complains all the time? They are not fun to be around. They find something in everything to complain about. Or if you’ve been around someone who is constantly playing the victim. Everything is out to get them and make their lives miserable.

In each case, they’ve let this become the organizing principle of their lives. A good keystone habit is something that gives you the leverage to make a greater impact on all areas of your life.

The Practice

So how do you find your keystone habit?

There are really two kinds of keystone habits. The first is what I have with cycling — a physical habit that becomes an identity. You don't just do the thing, you become someone who does the thing. Once you're "a cyclist," your diet, your sleep, the time at the gym, are not separate disciplines you have to white-knuckle through anymore. They're just what a cyclist does. The identity does the work that willpower used to have to do.

The second kind is a practice that becomes a lens. For me, that's this podcast. Recording an episode every week doesn't just produce content. It changes what I read, because I'm always on the lookout for ideas for the next episode. It keeps me journaling, because half my ideas start as a scribbled note. It's made me pay closer attention to my own reactions, because I need real examples, not just theory. The podcast isn't one habit sitting next to my other habits. It's the thing that organizes them.

Neither of these worked because I decided to "be more disciplined." That's the trap most people fall into. They treat the keystone habit like one more item on the self-improvement list. Musonius would call that following wretched habit toward pleasure instead of virtue. What actually worked is that both of these were fully within my control. I can't control becoming disciplined. I can control whether I get on the bike Saturday morning.

Here's how you find yours.

First: list your habits. Write them all down, no editing, both good and bad. Just get them on paper.

Second: look for the one that touches the others. See where they’re connected. For each habit, ask what else it makes easier, or harder. You're looking for the one habit that shows up in three or more of those answers. That's your candidate.

Third: test it against the dichotomy of control. Is this an action, or is it a mood you're waiting on to arrive? "Ride 20 minutes before work" passes the test. "Be the kind of person who exercises" doesn't. If your candidate fails this test, keep digging. You haven't found the real keystone yet, you've found a wish.

Once you've got it, don't overbuild it. Start looking at ways that you can strengthen that habit. See how you can make it a little more central to your life. Use that leverage to impact the rest of your life.

Conclusion

A good keystone habit is an organizing force of your life. It marshals your energy into something that weaves its way into other areas of your life. Often the side benefits may surprise you.

When I got divorced, I found that cycling was therapeutic. My time on the bike was relaxing, even when I was pushing hard up a hill. It was a space that was all my own where I could let my mind wander on things that were troubling me. It was my zen place. Even today, when I’m feeling stressed or anxious, chewing up some miles in the saddle it a powerful way to reset my mood.

Here's the thing about a keystone habit — it isn’t really about the habit.

The bike doesn't care if I ride it. The microphone doesn't care if I record. What they give me is a door — one small, controllable action that, done consistently, reorganizes everything behind it. Musonius said we act ourselves into virtue, not the other way around. A keystone habit is just that idea made practical. You don't wait to become disciplined. You do the one thing, and the discipline follows.

So don't go looking for the perfect habit. Go looking for the one door you can actually open tomorrow morning. Everything else will start walking through it on its own.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

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When was the last time that you read a book. A serious book. Something stretched your mind? Something that you had to stop and go back and reread a sentence or paragraph to make sure you understood it? Maybe even learned some new words? New ideas? In this episode, let’s talk about why you should read deeper — not just so you can check another book off your list, but as a tool to help you deal with the complexities of life.

“Friends, the school of a philosopher is a hospital. When you leave, you should have suffered, not enjoyed yourself.” — Epictetus

The Problem

Last year, only 60% of Americans read at least one book. Almost 57% of Americans placed a bet. That's not a statistic I'm making up to be dramatic. It's from a piece in The Atlantic by Rose Horowitch called "The End of Reading Is Here." She's not calling us illiterate. She's calling us something worse, in a way — post-literate. Still surrounded by words. Words everywhere. Just losing the capacity, and the appetite, to sit with the hard ones.

The top selling books today are simpler and less complex, with young adult novels taking the lead, even among adults. Libraries are following this trend getting easier to read books for patrons. In 1958 the English translation of Doctor Zhivago was the best selling book. Boris Pastenak wrote in long complex sentences, demanding your attention. Last years top novel? Sunrise on the Reaping, the latest in the Hunger Games series. Nothing wrong with that book, but nobody's calling it a wrestling match.

I want to be clear about something before I go further: this isn't me being a snob about it. This isn't "kids these days" or "nobody reads anymore, sad." This is me pointing out something specific — we are choosing, at scale, to stop training the one muscle that everything else in a thinking life depends on. And I don't think that's a coincidence that it's happening at the exact moment we need that muscle most.

Difficult reading, as Maryanne Wolf, a cognitive neuroscientist at UCLA points out, strengthens the cognitive abilities of comprehension and synthesis—the ability to read something and integrate it into real life situations.

And here's why it matters. When you stop reading hard things, you don't just read less. You lose practice at friction. At hitting a sentence you don't understand and going back over it instead of scrolling past it. At holding two conflicting ideas in your head at once instead of picking a side in the first four words. You start expecting to be handed the conclusion. Told what to feel. And when real life doesn't hand you the conclusion, when it just hands you the mess and expects you to work it out, you're out of practice for the one skill that job requires.

Why is Reading Hard?

Reading and writing is not something that comes naturally to us as humans. Our brains don’t naturally have a space set aside for processing the written word. This is a skill that we have developed as humans. Writing allowed us to preserve ideas that otherwise would have been handed down orally, and changed in each telling.

But in that development we’ve also developed logic, grammar, rationality, mathematics, emotional complexity. In order to put something down on paper, the author has to think through their arguments and clearly articulate what they are actually trying to say, so they can best communicate their ideas to the reader.

On the reader’s side, it means that the arguments and ideas don’t disappear as they do when a conversation or video ends. It’s still there on the page, allowing you to go back and dive deeper, consider other possibilities, find rebuttals, and poke holes the flaws you might find.

Reading doesn’t just give you information. The act of reading literally changes the way that you think. Reading helps you construct mental models in a way that no other medium can.

Reading also places you in the mind of other people. It’s like you experience the world as another person. You read their thoughts and observations. You understand a completely different perspective on that world that you otherwise couldn’t. If you only stick to books that are easy, or ones that speak to your worldview, then you never understand how others experience the world.

As we become a more oral and visual world, thanks to social media, we lose something. Social media, while at times can be instructional, is meant to be entertaining and hook your attention, not to deeply educate you. It’s too short for the reader (or watcher) to really engage in the material, to challenge their own thinking. It’s simplified down to soundbites and that’s not a way to educate yourself. If it doesn’t catch your attention, you skim past it looking for something to amuse rather than inform.

Videos are a more passive form of engagement, requiring less imagination and reasoning. In a study by University of California San Francisco, they found that reading actually increases the size of the cortex in the brain. Those that spent more time reading performed better on cognitive tests. Those that spent more time watching videos actually had regions of the brain decrease and performed worse on the same cognitive tests.

This weakens our ability to handle the complexities of the world, other people, and even ourselves. We reduce things down to simple narratives and assumptions. Things become more black and white, eliminating the shades of gray and nuance that are part of the complex world we live in.

The Thinking Class

A few months ago, I listened to an interview with Brené Brown where she noticed an interesting disconnect. She talked about how in her work that she meets with leaders from all kinds of companies, including some of the top tech firms. Every leader she talks to tells the people under them to learn to code, learn data science, get the technical skill that'll survive the future. Yet, when pressed on the books that they read that actually shaped them the most, they all mentioned books on philosophy, critical thinking, literature, psychology, history, even art. None of them pointed to a technical book.

That's not hypocrisy. That's a class system, and it's an honest one, whether anyone means it that way or not. One class gets trained to execute, the other gets to keep the skill of deciding what's worth executing in the first place.

And the interesting things is that a YouGov study on reading in America backs this up. They found that that just 19% of Americans read 82% of the books.

So the question is, which class do you want to be in?

If you’re not expanding your mind, if you’re not challenging yourself to consider alternate viewpoints and new ideas, then you’re making that choice.

When we meet challenges in our lives we can either lower the bar, or increase our capacity. Lowering the bar is easier. Increasing your capacity is harder. But which one has a higher likelihood of being successful?

Attention

What this comes down to is not only are we losing our ability to think about complex things, we’re losing our ability to pay attention. SAT and ACT scores have been falling each year as students struggle with long reading passages, even as the test creators have been shortening the passages for reading comprehension.

College students, even in Ivy League schools, regularly complain about having to read long books for their classes. Not just because they are difficult, but because they struggle with the capacity to finish reading them. Teachers are being instructed to use shorter passages from the books, basically dumbing down the curriculum.

Margaret Rennix, Harvard’s assistant director for humanities and social-sciences support, even talked about how some students see reading as a burdensome way to acquire knowledge.

Think about that. Isn’t that what higher education is about? Increasing your capacity and skills? Challenging yourself so that you’re better, smarter, more creative than when you started?

If we as a society aren’t even just keeping up, but are actively lowering the bar, how do we expect to continue advancing, not just technologically, or as a society, but as human beings?

As Neil Postman wrote in his book, Amusing Ourselves to Death:

"When a population becomes distracted by trivia, when cultural life is redefined as a perpetual round of entertainments... a nation finds itself at risk; a culture-death is a clear possibility." — Neil Postman

The Philosophy

Here's the thing the Stoics understood about the mind two thousand years before anyone ran an fMRI study on it: attention isn't a background feature. It's the kernel of the operating system.

They had a word for it, prosoche, which is usually translated as attention, but it’s really closer to vigilance — a trained, sustained watchfulness over your own mind. They treated it as the foundational discipline. Not a nice-to-have next to the "real" Stoic work. It’s the foundation everything else stands on. Because before you can sort what's in your control from what isn't, before you can choose a response instead of reacting, you have to actually be there long enough to see the choice in front of you. No attention, no discipline. No discipline, no Stoicism.

Epictetus points this out directly:

"When you relax your attention for a while, do not fancy you will recover it whenever you please; but remember this, that because of your fault of today your affairs must necessarily be in a worse condition in future occasions." — Epictetus

So when I say we're losing the ability to sit with a hard sentence, I'm not being precious about literature. I'm saying we're losing the raw material the whole practice runs on. You cannot examine an impression you scrolled past.

Seneca saw his own century's version of this. Not video, not doomscrolling. For him it was people bouncing from scroll to scroll, author to author, never landing anywhere long enough to actually digest it. He wrote to his friend Lucilius:

"You must linger among a limited number of master-thinkers, and digest their works, if you would derive ideas which shall win firm hold in your mind." — Seneca

Linger. Digest. Firm hold. He's not telling Lucilius to read more. He's telling him to read deeper, on fewer things, or end up, in his word, "unsteady." Swap "authors and books of every sort" for "tabs and feeds and fifteen-second clips" and he's describing your Tuesday.

Here's where people get it backwards: they hear "read hard books" and assume it's about sounding smart. It's not. It's about training the exact muscle Stoic practice needs to function at all — staying with something uncomfortable long enough to actually think, instead of reaching for the next hit of easy resolution. Lose that muscle, and you haven't just gotten less well-read, you've lost the capacity for the thing you're actually here trying to practice.

The Practice

So what do you actually do with this. Three things, and none of them require a syllabus.

First: pick one book, and finish it before you start another. This is Seneca's actual prescription, not a metaphor. Most of us have four books going at once and finish none of them, which means we never get past the first, easy layer of any of them. Pick one hard book. No new book starts until that one's done. That's the whole rule.

Second: give it twenty minutes before you're allowed to quit. I noticed when doing theater that Shakespeare was always a challenge for me at first. But about fifteen, twenty minutes in, something shifts. The rhythm starts to land. The jokes start landing where they're supposed to. It's the same thing that happens learning a language. Most people quit a hard book a few pages in, right before the part where it would've started working on them.

Third: build your capacity for attention, your prosoche: take a difficult paragraph from a book you’re reading and really read it. Then read it again. Then, out loud or on paper, explain what it's actually arguing, not what it's about. "This is about grief" is a summary. "He's arguing that grief is the tax we pay for having loved something specific, not something in general" is the argument. That gap between noticing the topic and naming the claim is where the attention actually gets built. Do that once a day and in a month you'll notice you're doing it automatically with things that aren't books. Conversations. Arguments online. Your own thoughts.

None of this is about becoming a more impressive person at dinner parties. It's building the capacity that lets you tell the difference between what's really happening and what you're being told is happening. Conclusion

When I was a child my mother read to me and my siblings every night. Not just when it was convenient. Not when she felt like it. Every night. Even if it was late, we’d read a short book. We had weekly trips to the library which were just as exciting as going to the playground. We even had a Christmas tradition of reading a chapter a night of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever each December.

I passed along that reading habit to my own kids, reading such treasures as Goodnight Opus, The Stinky Cheeseman, and Cowboy and Octopus before tucking them into bed each night. Taking them to the library or Powell’s books each weekend. If they wanted a book, I’d get it for them.

Reading has always been a constant in my life. I always had an extra book in my backpack throughout school, and regularly hit up the used book store when I was in college. When I moved to Amsterdam, I sold and gave away hundreds of books, which I now kind of regret, as I’m slowly rebuilding my library after moving back to Portland.

So I would implore you read some hard books. Not just about philosophy, but other ideas. For me some hard books that changed my worldview include James Carse’s Finite and Infinite Games, Carlo Rovelli’s the Arrow of Time, and Douglas Hofstader’s Gödel, Escher, Bach. The first two aren’t that long but are can shift your perspective in a chapter. The latter, I’ll admit is thick and takes work to get through, but the mental payoff is worth it.

And the thing is, we don’t just have to spend all our time reading books on philosophy, history, or science. Reading can be educational and entertaining. There are plenty of other books that are complex and challenging that are also entertaining. Personally, I love reading complex science fiction. Works from Asimov, Neil Stephenson, Ursula Le Guin, and Andy Weir have have complex plots, and novel ideas that have changed the way I think. Each one created a world that I conjured in my own imagination, with the help of the author, experiencing things that I never would have considered on my own.

Lastly, reading is fun. You don’t have to read only complex books. You can read something just because it delights you. I remember reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide the Galaxy and laughing my ass off. Every now and then I pick up a Christopher Moore book because I find them ridiculously entertaining. But try to have some veggies with your dessert.

The point is, reading is a muscle that will weaken over time, so make sure you get your reps in.

But read those hard books to so that you can be part of the thinking class, not the part that follows them. Prosoche, vigilance of mind, is how you buy your way into the first group. Not money. Not credentials. Just the willingness to sit with something difficult long enough to actually see it.

As Epictetus put it:

“We should discipline ourselves in small things, and from there progress to things of greater value.” —Epictetus

So, which one are you training for? I know which camp I’m in. See you at the library.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

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Jon Brooks is the host of the Stoic Handbook podcast and Substack page. In this episode we talk about the dangers of over-managing your emotions and finding ways to be a good Stoic while not shutting yourself off emotionally.

You can find out more about Jon and his work at stoichandbook.co

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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Courage, one of the four cardinal virtues of Stoicism, is what I consider the fuel for virtue, and really for living a good life. But what does courage actually look like? Are we born courageous or it it something we can develop? In today’s episode we’re going to dive into what Stoics taught about courage and how it’s backed up by modern science.

What Does It Actually Take to Be Courageous?

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."

—C.S. Lewis

The Problem

When I started this podcast, I was scared. Not just nervous. Scared. I was convinced that at any moment, someone was going to figure out that I didn't belong — that I wasn't qualified enough, smart enough, or interesting enough to be talking about Stoic philosophy to strangers on the internet. Imposter syndrome was ever present. Every episode I recorded in those early days, I'd finish it and think, "That’s probably the one where people are going quit listening."

But here's what I've come to understand after years of doing this work — that feeling wasn't a warning. It was an invitation. An invitation to do something that takes real courage: to show up honestly, even when you don't feel ready.

Today I want to talk about courage. Not the Hollywood version — the battlefield moment, the heroic leap. Real courage. The everyday, grinding, unsexy kind that determines the actual quality of your life.

Researcher Brené Brown has spent twenty years studying this. The other day I was listening to a podcast where she was a guest, and they were talking about what it takes to be courageous. What she found in her research cuts against everything we think we know. Courage, she says, isn't a personality trait. It's not something you have or don't have. It's a collection of four learnable skills. And when I dug into her framework for the first time, I kept stopping because the Stoics had already mapped the same territory two thousand years earlier.

So that's what we're doing today. Brown's four skill sets of courage, paired with the Stoic philosophy that's been teaching the same lessons since before Rome fell. And I'll tell you where each one showed up in my own life, because if it's worth talking about, it's worth being honest about.

Let's get into it.

PHILOSOPHY & PRACTICE

SKILL SET ONE: Rumbling with Vulnerability

Brown's first skill set is what she calls "rumbling with vulnerability." She defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And the rumble part matters — it means staying in the discomfort instead of tapping out. Not performing openness. Actually sitting with the hard thing.

Most of us don't do this. We armor up. We get busy, get sarcastic, get certain — anything to avoid the exposed feeling of not knowing, of being seen, of possibly being wrong or hurt or rejected.

Brown's research shows that without this foundational skill, the other three are impossible. You cannot be courageous while armored. The armor has to come off first, because vulnerability is a prerequisite for courage. You can’t be courageous if something doesn’t scare you.

The Stoics called this prosoche — self-examination. The practice of looking honestly at yourself, not to punish yourself, but to see clearly.

Socrates felt this was so important that he said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”

He would often practice self-questioning, cross-examining his own thinking about something. Once, while on campaign with the Athenian army, he stood still on a beach for 24 hours, lost in deep thought. The other soldiers, curious about what was going on, gathered around keeping vigil. Then as the sun rose, be woke from his trance-like state, said a prayer to the day, then went on as if nothing had happened.

Epictetus pushed his students toward self-examination constantly. And Seneca in his treatise On Anger describes his own nightly practice in first person. He wrote:

“When the light has been removed and my wife has fallen silent, aware of this habit that’s now mine, I examine my entire day and go back over what I’ve done and said, hiding nothing from myself, passing nothing by.”

And then, crucially, he doesn't spiral into self-condemnation. He says:

“For why should I be afraid of any of my mistakes, when I can say: ‘Beware of doing that again, and this time I pardon you.’”

That's the practice. See it clearly. Don't hide from it. Just let it go and do better.

When I started this podcast, the vulnerability wasn't optional. I was putting my voice, my face, my actual beliefs out into the world with no idea if anyone would care. That exposure, was scary. But the harder vulnerability, the one that took more courage, was admitting to myself that I was afraid. That I felt like a fraud. Because as long as I kept that hidden, even from myself, I couldn't do anything about it.

The Stoic practice of self-examination gave me a framework for that. Not "beat yourself up at the end of the day." Look honestly. What did you avoid? What did you do from fear instead of from your values? See it. Correct it. Move on.

Doing so allowed me to see myself not as some sage that knew everything, but a fellow traveler along the road, sharing what I’ve learned. That my experiences, both my successes and my failures, could be of use to others.

Practice: Tonight, before you sleep, spend five minutes doing this. Not a gratitude list. An honest review. Where did you avoid something you knew you should face? Not to shame yourself — to see clearly. That's the beginning of courage.

SKILL SET TWO: Living into Our Values

Brené’s second skill set is living into our values, and to be precise about what those values are. She says most people have vague, aspirational values. Integrity. Honesty. Courage. But vague values don't guide behavior under pressure. She pushes people to get specific: what does integrity actually look like in a hard conversation? What does honesty cost you when it's inconvenient?

That gap between stated values and actual behavior is where courage lives or dies.

The Stoics made this the center of their entire philosophy. Virtue, excellence of character, wasn't an abstract idea or an aspiration. It was how you acted, specifically, when it was hard. Marcus writes in Meditations:

"No random actions, none not based on underlying principles."

Every action either expresses your values or betrays them. There's no neutral ground.

And Marcus knew how easy it is to betray them. He was the most powerful man on Earth. He had every excuse to let himself off the hook. He wrote the Meditations as a daily practice of bringing himself back to his values because he knew that without that discipline, the gap widens without you noticing.

One of the things I committed to early on with this podcast was honesty. Not just talking about Stoic philosophy in the abstract, but being real about where I struggle with it. That meant talking about my failures on air. Not as a performance of humility — that's its own kind of armor. But because the show is built on the premise that this work is hard and real, and pretending otherwise would be a lie. It would go against the actual virtue I’m trying to teach.

That was harder than it sounds. There's a version of a podcast host that looks like they have everything figured out. I knew my audience might be more comfortable if I projected that image. But it would have been a betrayal of what I actually believe, which is that the messy, uncertain, still-figuring-it-out life is the only honest one.

Living into your values means it costs you something. If it doesn't cost you anything, you're not really being tested.

Practice: Name two values that are genuinely yours. Not what sounds good, but what actually guides you at your best. Then find one moment from the past week where you acted against them. That's not dwelling on failure. That's useful information. That's where the work is.

SKILL SET THREE: Braving Trust

Brown's third skill set is braving trust. She breaks trust down into specific, observable behaviors — she has an acronym, BRAVING, that maps it out.

B — Boundaries: Say no when you need to; respect others' no

R — Reliability: Do what you say, consistently, without overpromising

A — Accountability: Own your mistakes, apologize, make amends

V — Vault: Keep confidences — don't share what isn't yours to share

I — Integrity: Choose courage over comfort; what's right over what's easy

N — Non-judgment: Ask for what you need without judgment; others can do the same

G — Generosity: Extend the most generous interpretation of others' intentions

But the core insight is this: trust is not a feeling. It's not something that just happens between people. It's built through consistent, specific actions over time. And it requires courage because trusting someone means accepting that you can be hurt.

Most of us either over-trust, where we hand ourselves over and get burned, or we under-trust, we armor up, and we end up isolated. Neither is courage. Courage is the willingness to be in genuine relationship, with your eyes open, knowing the risk.

The Stoics were deeply committed to this idea, even though we don't always talk about it. They believed that humans are fundamentally social, that we are made for community, for relationship, for mutual care. Marcus returns to this again and again. We are not isolated units managing our own inner states. We are connected to each other, and our obligations to that connection are part of what it means to live well. Justice (dikaiosyne) one of the four cardinal virtues, is entirely about relationships with others. You cannot be fully virtuous alone.

I took two breaks from this podcast. Both times, it was because I needed to deal with personal challenges in my life. And both times, the hardest part wasn't the break itself. It was trusting my audience to still be there when I came back.

That's a hard thing. When you build something with people over years, you feel an obligation to them. And stepping away feels like a breach of that. But here's what I had to learn: sticking around just to please others wasn’t serving them. It was serving my fear of being abandoned. Showing up when I wasn't actually present wasn't trust. It was a transaction. Real trust meant being honest about where I was and trusting that the relationship was strong enough to hold it.

It was. Both times.

Practice: Think of one relationship where trust has eroded — maybe slowly, maybe all at once. Don't start with what the other person did. Start with your own behavior. What specific thing did you do or not do that contributed to that erosion? That's your work.

SKILL SET FOUR: Learning to Rise

Brown's fourth skill set is learning to rise, and she's clear that this doesn't mean bouncing back quickly or pretending the fall didn't hurt. It means owning the full story of what happened. Not the sanitized version, not the victim version, not the "everything happens for a reason" version. The real version. What happened. How it felt. What you contributed to it. And what you're going to do differently.

That's hard. Most of us either grab onto the failure and let it define us, or we rush past it and pretend it didn't happen. Rising means doing neither. It means going through it.

Marcus Aurelius wrote what is probably the most quoted line in all of Stoic philosophy:

"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."

People print it on posters and put it on coffee mugs. But what it's actually describing is something brutal and honest — that the obstacle doesn't get removed. You go through it. The going through is the point. The going through is what builds you.

I picked this podcast back up twice. And both times, I had to reckon with the question of whether I was coming back because I had something real to say, or because I felt guilty about quitting. That distinction matters. Rising isn't just resuming. It's understanding what happened, being honest about it, and choosing to move forward from that honesty rather than from fear or ego.

The episodes I've done about my own failures, the relationships I've gotten wrong, the times I've been less than I wanted to be, those are some of the most important things I've made. Not because failure is glorious. It's not. But because the willingness to look at it honestly, to say "this is what I did and this is what it cost me and here's what I learned," that's what makes the philosophy real. That's the difference between reading about Stoicism and actually practicing it.

Practice: Pick one failure you're still carrying. Not a small inconvenience. A real one. The kind that still has weight when you think about it. Write down three things: what happened, what you contributed to it, and one specific thing it taught you. Not a silver lining. An actual lesson you can act on.

Conclusion

Brown's research and Stoicism arrive at the same place through different routes. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is not armor. It is not performing strength while feeling nothing.

It is the willingness to examine yourself honestly. To act from your actual values when it costs you something. To trust, and to be trustworthy, even knowing you can be hurt. And to fall — because you will fall — and to get back up having actually learned something instead of just surviving.

That is what this podcast has been about since the beginning. Not because I figured it all out before I started recording. But because I kept choosing, imperfectly and over and over again, to show up honestly. To rumble with the discomfort. To let the work be real.

That's the invitation this week. Not to be fearless. To be honest. Courage follows honesty. It always does.

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Kelly McGinnis has a long and storied career working her way up the corporate ladder to CFO and later President of Thermo Fischer, a Fortune 100 company. In this episode we discuss ideas around what it takes to be good leader, company culture, and stepping out on your own.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

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“What’s the worst that could happen?” We’ve all heard this before. Usually it’s tongue in cheek just before something really bad does happen. But counterintuitively, it’s actually one of the most powerful questions that we can ask ourselves when we’re stuck in anxiety. So let’s talk about how imagining the worst can you you be your best.

“The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable.”

— Seneca

The Problem

In today’s busy world, we all struggle with anxiety. Most people complain about anxiety hampering their daily happiness. And where does this anxiety come from? It’s from worrying about things that we think are going to happen.

This is a natural part of being human. The brain is a prediction machine. Think about when you're walking through a crowd, your brain is constantly reading people's trajectories so you don't collide. It does the same thing with the future — always trying to anticipate what's coming next.

That capacity kept us alive. If we couldn't imagine bad outcomes, we'd never prepare for them. But most of us have taken that survival tool and turned it into a source of constant stress.

What if instead, you could take that same ability and use it to build resilience rather than anxiety? What if considering the worst could help you become your best?

The Philosophy

Paradoxes

In episode 377, I talked about paradoxes — holding competing ideas without rushing to resolve them. It's one of the most powerful skills we can develop, because the moment we choose a side, we close off other possibilities.

Seneca puts it plainly:

“Ignorance is the cause of fear.” — Seneca

The longer we can withhold judgment and hold each idea and try to understand it, the deeper our understanding of it. This is how we gain wisdom, which is not just about knowledge but about being able to see things clearly. Marcus Aurelius captured this idea in his Meditations:

“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.” — Marcus Aurelius

The more clearly we can define what troubles us, the easier it is to turn it to our benefit.

Premeditatio Malorum

Stoicism is full of paradoxes, but one of the most useful is premeditatio malorum, the “premeditation of evil”. Rather than ignoring what causes our anxiety, we look it in the face. We stop judging it as good or bad and treat it as something that simply is.

This is why the Stoics teach that events are neutral. We're the ones passing verdict on them.

“It is not events that disturb people, it is their judgements concerning them.” — Epictetus,

When we see things as neutral, some of that anxiety loses its grip.

The Present Moment Problem

Here's the paradox: the Stoics also teach us to be present. To stop worrying about what might happen, and focus on now.

In his Letters to Lucilius, Seneca writes:

“There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”

The anxiety we feel is a direct result of the story we're telling ourselves about the future. We catastrophize. We treat the worst possible outcome as the only one. And what makes it worse — we're doing it to ourselves.

The mind has a hard time distinguishing imagination from reality, so the body responds as if the threat is real. Think about a time you were convinced someone was upset with you. You felt the tension. Maybe in your stomach or shoulders. Then you found out you were wrong, and the relief was immediate. Your body was responding to a story, not a fact.

That physical distress creates a spiral: thoughts create story, story creates sensation, sensation triggers the fight-or-flight response, which narrows your thinking to the very thing you're afraid of. That's why getting someone to breathe slows the spiral. Calm the body first, then the mind follows.

Avoidance Makes It Worse

When we try not to think of something, we give it more power. It’s the pink elephant problem. Try not to think about about a pink elephant and you will think about one. The brain has to imagine a concept before it can dismiss it. It can’t operate in a void, and suppression takes energy.

So the fear stalks you. You scroll your phone. You have a drink. You eat things you shouldn't. Anything to avoid sitting with it.

But Seneca reminds us:

“Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself, sufferings, even, being withstood if they have been trained for in advance. Those who are unprepared, on the other hand, are panic-stricken by the most insignificant happenings.” — Seneca

The courage to face it head-on is the path through.

Outcomes

One more thing worth naming: when we fixate on outcomes, we lose agency. Outcomes aren't under our control. Actions are. That's why the focus has to shift to what you can actually do — not what might happen.

But here’s another part of the paradox. We do have to consider what might happen, consider other possible outcomes. Even ones that we’re not focused on at the moment. As Seneca writes:

“What is quite unlooked for is more crushing in its effect, and unexpectedness adds to the weight of a disaster. The fact that it was unforeseen has never failed to intensify a person's grief. This is a reason for ensuring that nothing ever takes us by surprise. We should project our thoughts ahead of us at every turn and have in mind every possible eventuality instead of only the usual course of events.” —Seneca

This isn’t about running a catastrophizing session. It’s considering as many possible bad outcomes as you can so that you aren’t caught by surprise. You don’t have to do them all at one time, but by taking on the things that scare you, you’re following Seneca’s advice:

“So I look for the best and am prepared for the opposite.” —Seneca

The Practice

So how do you actually do this — and what makes it different from just ruminating?

Two things. First, you do this in a safe space — not in the heat of the moment, but sitting quietly with time to think. Second, you approach the problem with objectivity. And objectivity isn't cold. Think about the friends you trust most — they're the ones who tell you the truth, not what you want to hear. This practice is you doing that for yourself.

Seneca explains this clearly:

“This is why we need to envisage every possibility and to strengthen the spirit to deal with the things which may conceivably come about. Rehearse them in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck. Misfortune may snatch you away from your country… If we do not want to be overwhelmed and struck numb by rare events as if they were unprecedented ones; fortune needs envisaging in a thoroughly comprehensive way.” — Seneca

Now, it’s important that you write it down. Don't do this in your head. Getting it on paper creates distance. You see it more clearly. You have to actually articulate the thing.

This practice that I’m going to share with you is one from my course, Build an Unbreakable Mind. If you find this useful and want to learn more useful practices, make sure to check it out on my website at stoic.coffee/unbreakable

Step 1 — Write down the the story you're telling yourself. It can be freeform, or you can ask yourself:

• What outcome am I afraid of?
• What do I think happens if that outcome occurs?
• What doubts do I have about myself?
• What assumptions am I making?

Step 2 — The facts.

These are things that could be proven in a court of law:

• What are the actual roadblocks?
• What's outside my control?
• What skills do I have? What am I lacking?

No opinions. Only what could be proven.

Step 3 — The emotions:

Write down everything you're feeling. Angry, sad, scared, nervous. All of it. Get it out.

Then take a break. Step away. Come back later with fresh eyes.

Step 4 — What you can actually do:

• How will you handle the roadblocks?
• What could you learn to close the gaps?
• If the worst actually happened — what would you do?
• What's under your control right now?
• Where can you take action today?

This is how you rewrite the story. You use your rationality to see more clearly, and shift your perspective toward something useful.

Conclusion

Anxiety about the future is part of being human. You're not going to think your way out of having it. But you can stop fighting it and start using it.

Premeditatio malorum is leaning into the fear. It's having the courage to ask: what am I actually afraid of? It's sitting with the hard thing — clearly, not catastrophically — and dismantling the doom loop before it dismantles you.

So the next time you catch yourself trying not to worry about something — stop resisting. Welcome it in. Look it in the face.

And ask: “What's the worst that could happen?”

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

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Marcus Aurelius was the most powerful man on Earth. He had every external condition for a meaningful life — wealth, status, purpose handed to him by birth. And yet, his private journals are full of reminders he had to write to himself just to keep going. Which tells you something important: meaning isn't a thing you find. It's a thing you build.

The Problem

Do you live a meaningful life?

Not "are you successful" or "are you productive" or "are you optimizing your mornings”, but does your life actually feel like it means something?

Here's what I've come to believe: Don't try to find the meaning of your life. Do things that bring meaning into your life.

It’s a subtle shift, but it leads to a completely different life.

Finding the meaning of your life is, honestly, an unanswerable question. Philosophers and thinkers and spiritual teaches have been wrestling with it for millennia. You could spend your whole life searching and never arrive. It's the ultimate question.

But doing things that add meaning to your life? That is under your control. That's where you have agency. That's where you can actually act.

So why is "what is the meaning of my life?" the wrong question?

Because searching for meaning looks outward. You're scanning the horizon for something to reveal itself. A bolt out of the blue, a mountain-top moment, a sudden clarity that finally tells you what you're here for. And while you're waiting for that, you're sitting on the sidelines. Ready to start living once you figure out what your life is for. Which may be never.

Seneca cuts right to it. In his Letters to Lucilius he writes: "If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable."

It sounds like saying figure out the destination before you set sail. But I’d like to broaden the interpretation. I think he's saying: pick a direction. A direction that matters to you. Start sailing.

Because a ship that's moving can be steered. A ship sitting in the harbor waiting for perfect conditions goes nowhere.

You don't need the full map. You just need to start.

Why It Matters

So why does meaning matter so much?

Meaning is what makes the suffering in life worth it.

When our lives feel meaningless, we feel hopeless, like we're going through the motions with no point to any of it. This is why people who are deeply dissatisfied with their lives can spiral so quickly into depression. They feel like a cog in a machine. A robot. Present but not alive.

This is also why money and status are such terrible proxies for a meaningful life. You can hit every external marker — the salary, the promotion, the recognition — and still feel completely empty. We attach meaning to outcomes, when really it lives in the effort. If you're working on something that genuinely matters to you, you do it because it fills your soul, even when it doesn't fill your wallet.

Viktor Frankl understood this at a depth most of us will never have to. A psychologist and Holocaust survivor, he observed in the camps that the prisoners who had a stronger why, a deeper sense of meaning, were more likely to survive. They were less likely to lose hope. More likely to help those around them. They knew the circumstances were devastating. But they didn't let those circumstances determine who they were. They made meaning from what little they had: a sunset, a memory, a connection, a small act of kindness.

Frankl wrote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

That's not naive optimism. That's radical agency. That's Stoicism in practice.

He also quoted Nietzsche directly:

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

The suffering doesn't disappear. But it becomes bearable when it's in service of something that matters to you.

Meaning vs. Purpose

Before we get into what you can actually do, I want to draw a distinction I think is important: the difference between meaning and purpose. We use these words interchangeably, but they're not the same thing.

Purpose is the what of your life. Meaning is the why.

Purpose is concrete and actionable. If you're a teacher, your purpose might be to prepare young people to live well. That’s clear and definable. Meaning is what you derive from that purpose — the quiet satisfaction when a student finally gets something, or when someone reaches out years later to say something you said changed their trajectory. You can't schedule that feeling. It arises from the doing.

Marcus Aurelius, in Meditations, wrote:

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

He wasn't meditating on the cosmic meaning of his reign. He was building his character, one decision at a time. The meaning came from the practice, from doing the work with integrity, even when nobody was watching. Especially when nobody was watching.

The Practice

So what can you actually do? Two things.

First: actively do things you find meaningful.

I think we spend too much of our lives optimizing for productivity. We stop doing things we love because they're not monetizable, or they don't look good on a resume. The way we evaluate our time has become almost entirely economic.

Flipping that script means asking not "is this productive?" but "does this matter to me?" That might be meditating, hiking, making art, playing music, building something with your hands — things that feed your soul even if they don't feed your bank account.

And creativity doesn't have to mean art. Building a fence is creation. Tending a garden is creation. Volunteering your time, helping people who need it, furthering a cause you believe in — those are acts of meaning because you're participating in something larger than yourself.

One of the most reliable ways to bring meaning into your life is simply to help other people. Service is a core component of a good life — and clinical research actually backs this up. Helping others is one of the most consistent mood elevators we know of.

When I was in college, my family had a Thanksgiving tradition. Instead of cooking a big feast at home, we'd volunteer at the Greek Orthodox church in downtown Salt Lake City — feeding people who were homeless or struggling. We'd spend the day cooking and serving. Honestly? It was one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done. That memory still carries weight decades later.

Second: shift your perspective and find meaning in what you're already doing.

This is about rewriting your own story — not gaslighting yourself, but genuinely looking at what you're doing through a different lens.

Raising kids isn't always fun. At times it's brutal. But ask most parents whether it gave their life meaning, and they'll say yes without hesitating. The hard parts and the meaningful parts aren't separate — they're inseparable.

The same can apply to work. If you have a job you don't love, can you find aspects you do? Can you reframe it as service to others? As developing skills that will serve you later? Maybe it's simply the price you pay to support yourself so you can do the things that actually matter outside of work.

Now — I want to be clear: this isn't about talking yourself into tolerating a toxic situation. Some environments are genuinely harmful. Some jobs are soul-crushing. Wisdom knows the difference between genuine reframing and self-deception. But for the ordinary friction of ordinary life, the Stoics would tell you the meaning isn't waiting for you somewhere else. It's available right here, if you're willing to look.

Epictetus, who was born a slave and had nearly nothing in terms of external freedom, put it plainly in the Enchiridion: "Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."

You don't control everything that happens to you. You do control what you make of it.

Conclusion

I want to get personal for a minute, because this isn't abstract for me right now.

A few years ago, my kids grew up and moved out, a long-term relationship ended, and I got laid off, all around the same time. That's a lot of structure collapsing at once. I felt rudderless. Like I didn't have much meaning in my life anymore.

When I was supporting my kids, even a job I didn't love felt meaningful because I was providing for them. That gave it weight. But with a blank slate and no one depending on me, all the constraints that had organized my life were gone. It turns out, constraints aren't only limitations. They're also anchors.

So for the past few years, I've been making the same mistake over and over: treating meaning like something out there to be discovered. Like if I could just find the right framework, the right direction, the right answer, it would reveal itself.

I was going about it completely backwards.

Meaning isn't something you find. It's something you build from the small, concrete things you choose to do each day. I find meaning in creating this podcast. From the emails and comments that remind me these episodes have actually helped someone. I find it in the creative work, the conversations, the things I choose to put my energy into.

The overarching meaning of my life? I still don't have a neat answer for that. But I'm learning I don't need one. I just need to keep doing things that matter and trust that the meaning takes care of itself.

Maybe that's enough for now. I think it might be enough for all of us.

So I want you to take some time this next week and think about: What's one small thing you do that gives your life meaning — even if it's not productive?

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

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Far too often we’re never really in the moment. Maybe we’re stuck ruminating in the past over what we wished would have happened, or projecting out into the future our hope of what will happen. Maybe we distract ourselves with our phones, with entertainment, or alcohol or drugs. Anything that can relieve boredom or the discomfort of our present reality. But what if you leaned into that boredom? What if embracing discomfort is the key to really experiencing your life?

In this episode I want to about the importance of being present in your own life by working with reality, rather than against it.

“Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed. Quit evasions. Stop giving yourself needless trouble. It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in now.” — Epictetus

Sitting With Discomfort

The other day I was listening to a conversation on the Ezra Klein Show. He was interviewing Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist nun who has spent decades writing and teaching about how to actually live with uncertainty, discomfort, and pain. If you haven't come across her work, I'd encourage you to look her up.

The conversation moved through a lot of territory, but one theme kept surfacing, and it's been sitting with me ever since.

Sitting with discomfort. Both emotion and physical discomfort. Not trying to change them. Not trying to fix them or think your way out of them. Just being aware of them, and letting them be part of your experience.

Now I know that can sound passive, like you're supposed to suffer quietly and call it wisdom. But that's not what they were talking about.

What they were getting at is something more precise: when we resist how we're feeling, we don't reduce the pain. We add to it. We take whatever discomfort is already present and we pile on — the worry, the frustration that we feel this way at all, the disappointment that reality isn't matching what we wanted. We make it worse.

Pema talked about how one of here mentors used a phrase that I think is one of the best framings I've heard: collaborating with reality.

Collaborating with reality. Not fighting it. Not wishing it were different. Not white-knuckling your way through it while secretly hoping it changes.

Collaborating with it.

And the moment I heard that, I thought — that's exactly what the Stoics meant when they said we should live according to nature. Same insight, two and a half thousand years apart, from completely different traditions.

But here's the dimension I want to explore today, because I think it goes deeper than most conversations about presence and acceptance actually go.

We don't just resist painful emotions. We disconnect from them entirely. We go numb to them. And we do the same thing with physical pain. We get so caught up in the noise of our daily lives that we stop receiving the signals our own bodies and our own hearts are sending us, even when those signals are urgent.

I know this firsthand. And I’ll tell you a story about that in a minute.

The Philosophy

The Stoics had a concept called the hegemonikon — the ruling faculty. It's the part of us that perceives, judges, and assigns meaning to everything that happens to us.

In an ideal state, this faculty governs us well. It sees clearly. It distinguishes between what's in our control and what isn't. It responds to reality rather than reacting to it.

But here's what Marcus Aurelius kept noticing about himself and what he wrote about in repeatedly in his Meditations:

“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, “Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?” You’ll be embarrassed to answer. Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present—and even that can be minimized.”

— Marcus Aurelius

The mind wanders and the ruling faculty, left undisciplined, reaches backward into regret and forward into anxiety. It is almost never simply in the present.

What I love about Marcus is that he wasn't writing from a place of mastery. He was writing to himself, often about his own failures. He kept having to drag himself back to the present.

Epictetus put it even more plainly:

“Some things are up to us. Some things are not.”

When we expend energy on the things that are not up to us, including resisting what is simply happening, we suffer. Not because those things are bad, but because we are fighting a battle we cannot win.

This is what collaborating with reality means in Stoic terms. It's not apathy. It's not indifference. It's an active choice to stop expending energy on resistance to what is and redirect that energy toward how you actually respond.

The Stoics weren't saying don't feel. That's the misreading that turns this philosophy into emotional flatness. They were saying: feel what's actually happening. Not what you've constructed around it. Not the story on top of it. The thing itself.

The acceptance of what is leads to a richer, fuller experience. Life isn’t meant to be about comfort. It’s meant to be experienced. All of it. If we ignore or avoid the painful things, we’re ignoring reality and cutting off our lived experience.

Which raises the harder question. If this is clearly the wiser path — and the Stoics knew it, Buddhist teachers know it, most of us sense it intuitively — why is it so hard? Why do we keep disconnecting?

I think the answer has to do with something we don't talk about enough.

The Ego Problem

During the conversation between Ezra and Pema, they mentioned the work of Jon Cabot Zinn who works with people with chronic pain and using meditation to deal with it. And what’s interesting is that the approach is not to ignore the pain, but to become even more aware of it. By become aware of it and not resisting it, they found it actually reduces pain. It changes the relationship with it because they learned to accept it and live with it and no longer resist.

And that part of the discussion reminded me of an experience I had with pain.

When I was around 30, I started having numbness in my feet. I went to a podiatrist to figure out what was going on, and he told me it was most likely a back issue, because it was bilateral, on both feet, which pointed to the spine rather than to the feet themselves.

He referred me to a physical therapist.

In our first session, my physical therapist asked me if I had any pain in my lower back. I thought about it and said, “a little, maybe, but nothing significant”. He asked what I did for work. I told him I was a software engineer. He smiled and said that was one of the worst jobs for back health. Hours of sitting, forward-bent posture, the whole thing. And he said: start paying attention to your lower back at work. Notice what you're actually feeling.

The next day, just before lunch, I remembered what he said. So I stopped and I actually checked in with my body. Really checked in.

I couldn't believe how much pain I was in.

It wasn't mild. It was significant. And it had been there for I don't know how long. Long enough to have stopped registering it. I had been living in real pain, every day, and I had gotten so good at tuning it out that I genuinely didn't know it was there until someone told me to stop and look.

That stopped me. Because if I could be that disconnected from something as concrete and physical as pain, something my own nervous system was actively generating, what else was I not receiving? What other pain was I tuning out?

Here's what I think was happening, and why I think it matters.

A psychologist named Dan McAdams developed what's called narrative identity theory. The idea is that we construct who we are through story. We take the raw material of our lives and we edit it into a coherent autobiography: themes, patterns, a sense of where we've been and where we're going. We create a story about ourselves and out lives.

That's not a flaw. It's actually how human identity works. But the story requires past and future to function. You can't have a narrative about the present moment. The present is just happening. It has no arc yet.

Which means when we're deep in the story of our lives — the job, the responsibilities, the mental to-do list — we stop receiving what's actually occurring. We're so immersed in the narration that the experience itself gets crowded out.

Daniel Kahneman named this distinction precisely. He separated the experiencing self, what's actually happening to you right now, from the narrating self — the one constructing and remembering the story of what happened.

And here's the uncomfortable part: the narrating self is dominant. It's the one we primarily identify with. It's the one that decides how we feel about our lives. Not what we're actually experiencing, but the story we tell ourselves about it.

So we're almost never fully in our experience. We're in our interpretation of it.

My lower back was sending a clear signal. My narrating self was too busy running its story to receive it. The signal was there the whole time. I just wasn't home.

And I think we do the exact same thing with emotional pain.

When something hurts emotionally, like grief, loneliness, fear, or shame, the narrating self kicks in immediately. It starts explaining. It starts planning. It starts building a story that makes the feeling manageable, or it builds a story that justifies avoiding the feeling altogether. We get busy. We fill the silence. We find reasons not to sit with what's actually there.

We numb out. Just like I numbed out to my back.

There's neuroscience behind this. Researchers have identified what's called the Default Mode Network which is a set of brain regions that activate when you're not focused on a task. When your mind is wandering. And what does it do? It generates self-referential thinking. It replays social situations. It plans. It constructs your sense of self.

It's the neural substrate of the narrating self. And it's most active when you're supposedly doing nothing, which is why doing nothing feels so loud. The moment you stop feeding the network with tasks and distractions, it cranks up the internal noise.

This is what boredom actually is. It's not an absence of stimulation. It's what happens when the ego loses its feed. When there's no story to maintain, no distraction to process — you're just there. And that feels threatening. Not because something bad is happening, but because the part of you that needs to be someone has nothing to work with.

Research on presence and meditation shows that sustained attention on the present moment measurably quiets the Default Mode Network. Presence isn't passive. It's neurologically active. You're actively suppressing the story-making machine.

And that is where emotional courage comes in.

Because sitting with physical pain, really sitting with it, like my PT was asking me to do, requires a kind of courage. You have to be willing to feel what's actually there rather than staying numb. And sitting with emotional pain requires exactly the same thing. You have to be willing to stop narrating around it, stop explaining it away, and just be with it.

That's not suppression. Suppression is forcing the feeling down. This is the opposite. This is opening to what's actually present, without adding a story on top of it.

That is the courageous act.

The Practice

So how do you actually practice this?

I want to offer a metaphor that I've been sitting with, because I think it captures something important.

Think about what happens when you're deep in a video game. A good one. One you're genuinely invested in.

You don't argue with the rules. You don't wish the level were designed differently. You take the game as it is, and you engage with what's in front of you. Each challenge is just the next thing. You're not catastrophizing it or resenting it. You're playing it.

And here's what I really want to point at: when you're fully in it, you forget yourself. You're not monitoring your performance or worrying about what others think. The narrating self goes quiet. There's just the experience. Psychologists call this flow, and it's not accidental that people describe flow states as some of the most satisfying experiences they have. Because in those moments, the gap between the experiencing self and the narrating self collapses. You're just there.

Life isn't a video game. I know the metaphor has limits. The stakes are real. The consequences follow you. You choose your own direction.

But the principle holds: whatever level you're on right now, whatever challenge is in front of you, the question is whether you're going to stand outside it, arguing with the design, or whether you're going to play it, fully and presently.

Collaborating with reality doesn't mean you're happy about everything that happens. It means you stop expending energy on the fight with what is, and start putting that energy into how you actually respond.

Epictetus reminds us of this idea:

“If we try to adapt our mind to the regular sequence of changes and accept the inevitable with good grace, our life will proceed quite smoothly and harmoniously.”

— Epictetus

That's where your power is. Being in the moment. Experiencing your life rather than narrating it.

Sot there’s two things I'd invite you to try this week.

The first: at some point during the day, stop and actually check in with your body. Like my physical therapist asked me to do. Not a quick scan, but a real one. Start at your feet and move upward. Notice what's there. You might be surprised what you've been ignoring.

And then ask yourself: am I doing the same thing emotionally? Is there something I've been numbing out to, narrating around, staying too busy to actually feel?

The second: find one moment today where you’re faced with boredom, frustration, or discomfort you can't immediately fix, and instead of reaching for the phone or filling the space, just stay with it for sixty seconds. Don't analyze it. Don't build a story around it. Let it be what it is.

That's the practice. Small, repeatable, and harder than it sounds.

Marcus Aurelius kept dragging himself back to the present. Not because he arrived. Because returning was the work.

Learning to be present and in the moment is challenging because we don’t like to sit with discomfort and because we have so many ways to avoid it. But by avoiding it, we’re cutting ourselves off from experiencing our lives.

The signal is there.

The question is whether you're home to receive it.

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My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

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Can two things be true at the same time? Can you hold two opposing ideas at the same time? Today I want to talk about how learning be be comfortable with opposites can widen your thinking and help you see reality a little more clearly.

"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." — Niels Bohr

There's a moment most of us know but rarely name. You're sitting with something — a relationship, a decision, a feeling — and two things are true at the same time. You love them, and you're furious with them. You're proud of the life you built, and you wonder if you built the wrong one. You're doing your best, and your best isn't good enough yet.

And there's a pull. A real, almost physical pull, to flatten it. To pick one. To call your partner the villain, or to swallow your anger and pretend you're fine. To lock in a judgment and walk away from the discomfort.

That pull is the enemy of clear thinking. And today we're going to talk about how to resist it.

Today's episode is about paradox — about holding two opposing things in your mind at the same time without collapsing them into a single comfortable lie. It's one of the hardest skills a person can build, and one of the most important. Let's get into it.

The Premature Collapse

Here's the problem. The human mind hates unresolved tension. It feels like an itch. It feels like something is wrong and needs to be fixed. And so when life hands us a situation where two opposing things are both true, we don't sit with it. We collapse it. We pick a side, fast, before the situation has earned a verdict.

I want to give that move a name today, because naming it is half the battle. I'm calling it premature collapse. The moment you flatten a complicated truth into a simple story so you can stop feeling the discomfort of holding both. It's the lazy move. It feels like clarity, but it's actually relief masquerading as clarity.

Let me give you the tell. The tell is when AND turns into BUT.

”I love them, but I'm angry.” That sentence cancels one of the two feelings. The ”but” tells your brain, and the person you're talking to, that the anger is the real thing and the love is a footnote.

Now try this: ”I love them, and I'm angry.” Same words. Different universe. Now both are true. Now neither cancels the other. Now you're telling yourself the truth instead of editing it down to something easier to carry.

That tiny grammatical move, replacing ”but” with ”and”, is one of the most powerful psychological shifts I know. We'll come back to it.

I recently celebrated my birthday. For me, birthdays aren’t a huge deal. But this one was a little different. I’m now the same age that my father was when he died. And it got me thinking about our relationship, even though he’s been dead for almost 30 years.

For those of you who have listened to my podcast for a while, you know that my relationship with my dad was not great. He was periodically violent and angry which made for a traumatic upbringing that took me a long time to resolve.

But the hardest part was the paradox of my father. He was smart, funny, and pretty supportive. He worked hard to make sure that we had everything we needed. He taught me how to ride a bike. He came to my plays and concerts. He loved science and music. He was curious about the world. There were so many things that I loved about him, and yet, he was caused a lot of fear, stress, and anxiety in our home.

After he died I was still angry with him. It took a lot of time and energy to heal those wounds. Part of me felt like I should hate him, but as I became a father, and went through my own struggles, I began to soften. I realized that I could hold that tension—I could still love him, and not approve of what he did. I could forgive him, which to be honest was more for myself since he was gone, and not discount the damage that was done.

Holding that tension was not easy, but it opened up my view of seeing that he was was also hurt and damaged. That he had never healed from the trauma from his childhood. It made me more empathic and more vigilant about not passing that type of trauma onto my own kids.

I could have stayed with the anger, but it wouldn’t have been helpful or productive. It would have made me bitter.

So why do we do it? Why do rush to choose a side?

A few reasons.

It's metabolically cheaper. Holding two opposing ideas costs the brain real energy, and picking a side is an energy savings.

It feels like decisiveness, which our culture rewards.

It signals tribal belonging. Once you pick a side, your people know you.

And it relieves the ache. ”He hurt me AND I love him” is harder to sit with than ”he's a villain” or ”I forgive him.” Either resolution is easier than the truth.

But the cost is enormous. You distort reality. You build an identity on a half-truth. And every future situation that resembles this one gets filtered through the wrong story.

So what do we do instead?

Act 2 — Paradoxes Aren't Problems to Solve

The first reframe is this: a paradox is not a problem to be solved. It's a tension to be held.

Most of us were trained to think the opposite. Western logic, going back to Aristotles assumes that something is either true or false. Either/or. Pick one. Other traditions such as Taoism and Zen Buddhism, handle paradox more naturally, but most of us didn't grow up with this idea. We grew up in a culture that treats unresolved tension as a failure of thinking.

It isn't. Sometimes the tension is the truth.

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote:

”The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald

Notice what he says. Not just hold them. Hold them and still function. That's the skill. Not paralysis. Not retreat into mush. To actively live inside the tension.

The Stoics built this into their entire operating system. Look at the dichotomy of control. Care fully about outcomes, pursue them, and work for them, and remain unattached to whether they happen. That's a paradox. Most people resolve it the wrong way and call it Stoicism. They go cold and stop caring and that's not what the Stoics taught. The Stoics taught full effort, full investment, and fully releasing expectations. Both at once. That’s the brave version.

Or this one: you are cosmically insignificant, a speck on a speck floating through indifferent space. And your virtue, in this moment, matters infinitely. Both. At once. Try to keep just one and you get nihilism on one side or grandiosity on the other.

Marcus Aurelius is the working example of a man who lived inside paradox without trying to escape it. He was the most powerful person on Earth. As emperor of Rome he was the absolute authority of the known world, and he reminded himself daily that he was already as good as dead.

He wrote:

”You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” — Marcus Aurelius

That isn't nihilism, rather that's the engine of his ethics. The brevity of life is what made living virtuously urgent.

He held these paradoxes everywhere. He was a philosopher AND a soldier running a brutal frontier war that lasted most of his reign. He believed in the rational order of the cosmos AND he wrote constantly about how venal and exhausting the people around him were. He'd open the day with gratitude — ”think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to love” — and on the next page, basically: people are going to be insufferable today, accept it and keep moving.

Meditations doesn't exist if Marcus picks a side. If he leans full optimist, the book gets saccharine. If he leans full cynic, it gets cold and small. The greatness of that book and the reason we still read it eighteen hundred years later, is that he refuses to resolve the tension. He holds both, in private, every night, for years.

That's not a flaw in his thinking. That is his thinking.

Or look at Viktor Frankl, who survived the camps and gave us Man's Search for Meaning. The paradox at the heart of his work is recursive — it contains itself. Suffering produces meaning, AND meaning redeems suffering. Try to keep just one half and the whole structure collapses. Suffering without meaning is despair. Meaning without the willingness to suffer for it is shallow. You need both. The suffering clarifies what matters. The meaning makes the suffering worth it. Each one feeds the other.

If Frankl had collapsed that paradox, the book wouldn't exist either. He'd have written a book about how suffering destroys us, or a book about how positive thinking saves us. Neither one would be true.

Heraclitus saw this twenty-five hundred years ago:

”The way up and the way down are one and the same.” — Heraclitus

Carl Jung taught that holding the tension of opposites is the actual work of becoming a whole person, and that collapsing the tension is where neurosis lives.

Different traditions, different centuries, and yet, the same insight. The wise person isn't the one who has all the answers. It's the one who can stay in the question without panicking.

And here's where this connects to everything else we talk about on this show. The suppression of emotions that I push back against every week, like pretending you're fine when you're not, or acting tough instead of feeling things is premature collapse. It’s just applied to feelings instead of ideas.

When there’s a big change in your life you can feel two things at once. You can grieve about a loss in your life, AND be excited for something new. You can feel sad about the ending of a relationship AND hopeful about what comes next. You can feel excited about new job AND still feel like an imposter.

Holding paradox IS emotional courage. Same muscle. Whether you're holding two feelings, two truths about a person, or two truths about your own life, the practice is the same. Don't collapse. Stay with it.

How to Hold the Tension

How do we actually get better at this? I'm going to give you three tools, and I'm going to spend the most time on the first one because I think it's the most powerful and the most teachable.

1. Steel-man the side you reject.

This is the practice of building the strongest possible version of the view you disagree with. Not the cartoon version. Not the version that's easy to knock down. The version its smartest defenders would actually make.

This is the opposite of straw-manning, which is what most of us do most of the time. Straw-manning is taking the weakest version of the other side, lighting it on fire, and feeling like you won. It feels like thinking but it isn't.

Steel-manning is the real workout.

John Stuart Mill said it better than I ever could. He wrote this in 1859 in his book On Liberty, and it's somehow more relevant now than it was then. Listen to this carefully:

”He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side — if he does not so much as know what they are — he has no ground for preferring either opinion.” — John Stuart Mill

Read that again. If you can't argue the other side, you don't actually know your own side. You just inherited it. Your conviction isn't conviction. It’s habit wearing conviction's clothes.

And Mill goes further. He says it's not enough to hear the opposing view from people on your own team, presented the way they present it, with their refutations baked in. You have to hear it from people who actually believe it. People who defend it in earnest. People doing their very best for it. You have to know it, in his words, ”in its most plausible and persuasive form.”

That's the work. And most of us aren't doing it. Most of us are arguing against versions of the other side that no thoughtful person actually holds, and calling that thinking.

So here's the exercise. This week, pick one belief you hold strongly. It doesn't have to be political. It can be about your relationship such as: my partner is the one who needs to change. It can be about your career: I should leave this job. It can be about yourself: I'm not the kind of person who can do that.

Pick one. Spend ten minutes writing the strongest possible case against your position. No rebuttal. No ”but here's why I'm still right.” Just build the opposing case, in good faith, the way someone who actually believes it would build it.

Two things will happen. Either you'll find your position got sharper, because now you understand what it's actually responding to and you can defend it on real ground. Or you'll find your position got more humble, because the other side has more weight than you wanted to admit. Both are wins. Both are how you become harder to fool, including by yourself.

And let me point out something important: This isn't fence-sitting or moral relativism. This isn't the lazy ”both sides have a point” cop-out. You can steel-man a view and still reject it. Mill did. Marcus did. The point isn't to abandon your conclusions. The point is to earn them. To know that your position is yours because you tested it against its strongest opposition and it held — not because you've never seriously examined it.

That's the difference between a conviction and an inheritance. Most of us have inheritances. Steel-manning is how you turn them into convictions.

2. AND, not BUT.

I told you we'd come back to this. The grammatical fix is small, but the psychological outcome is enormous.

Listen for the word ”but” in your own speech this week. ”I love my work, but I'm exhausted.” Replace it with ”and.” ”I love my work, and I'm exhausted.” Now both are true. Now you can think clearly about what to do, because you’re seeing the situation more clearly.

Some other places you might hear it include:

”I’m proud of my kids, but I'm worried about them.”

”I want to be there for my partner, but I need time alone.”

”I’m doing my best, but I can do better.”

”I forgive them, but I don't trust them yet.”

Try it for a day. You'll be amazed how often you catch yourself canceling out half of what's true.

3. Map the polarity.

Here's a journal prompt: Pick a situation in your life that's been bothering you. At the top of the page, write: ”Two things that are both true about this.” Then write them. Don't reconcile them. Don't pick a winner. Just hold them on the page where you can see them.

Then add a layer.

There's a thinker named Barry Johnson who wrote about something called polarities. His idea is that a lot of the tensions in our lives aren't problems to be solved — they're polarities to be managed. Work and rest. Independence and connection. Stability and change. Discipline and spontaneity. Freedom and commitment.

Try to ”solve” any of those by picking one pole and you destroy something essential. Rest with no work is rot. Work with no rest is burnout. Connection with no independence is enmeshment. Independence with no connection is loneliness. The skill isn't picking. It's moving fluidly between the two as the moment requires.

So extend the journal prompt. Identify a polarity in your life. Write down what each pole gives you when you honor it, and what each pole costs you when you pull too hard to one side. You'll see the shape of your own imbalance pretty quickly. The goal isn't a resolution. The goal is a map.

Conclusion

Here's where I want to leave you.

The brave move isn't picking a side. The brave move is refusing to collapse the truth before the truth has shown itself. To stay in the AND. To resist the pull to a clean verdict when the situation hasn't earned one yet.

Marcus Aurelius didn't resolve being a powerful man who would die and be forgotten. He held the tension. Every night, by candlelight, in a tent on the edge of the empire. That's where the Meditations came from. Not from the resolution, but from the holding of that tension .

Frankl didn't resolve the paradox of suffering and meaning. He let them feed each other, and that's what gave us a book that still reaches people eighty years later.

The Stoics didn't resolve the dichotomy of control by being like stone. They lived inside it. Full effort, full release, both at once.

This is the work. And it's the same work as everything else we talk about on this show. The same emotional courage that lets you feel grief without performing toughness is the courage that lets you hold two opposing ideas without flattening one. The same refusal to suppress what's real is the refusal to collapse what's complicated. It's all one muscle.

So here's the ask for this week. One thing. Catch yourself in one premature collapse. One moment where you flatten an AND into a BUT, or where you rush to a verdict before the evidence is in. Don't fix it. Don't be hard on yourself. Just notice. Noticing is the entire practice at the start.

And if you're up for the harder version — pick one belief you're sure of, and spend ten minutes steel-manning the other side. See what happens to you when you do.

The world doesn't need more people who are sure. It needs more people who can stay in the question long enough to find what's actually true. That's the Stoic move. That's the courageous move. That's the move that makes you harder to fool, gentler with the people in your life, and more honest with yourself.

Be brave and stay in the AND.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

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Are you motivated by fear? What if that fear is actually at the root of why you’re not getting the results you’re going after? In this week’s episode I want to talk about how to stop fear from sabotaging your best work.

“What I advise you to do is, not to be unhappy before the crisis comes; since it may be that the dangers before which you paled as if they were threatening you, will never come upon you; they certainly have not yet come." — Seneca

The Problem

Let me ask you something that might sound strange.

What if the thing pushing you forward — the thing that gets you out of bed, that makes you open the laptop, that keeps you grinding when you'd rather quit — what if that thing is also the thing quietly sabotaging you?

I'm talking about fear.

And before you push back on me, hear me out. Because fear is sneaky. It dresses up as motivation. It feels like drive or even responsibility. You tell yourself you're being realistic, you're being prepared, you're staying sharp. But underneath the productivity, there's this low hum — what if it doesn't work, what if I can't make it, what if I'm not enough. And you keep moving, partly because you love what you're doing, but partly because the alternative is to sit still with that fear, and that feels unbearable.

So we keep moving. And it kind of works. For a while.

Look around. The world right now is loud. Politics, economics, AI, climate, the news cycle that won't stop screaming at you. Fear is in the culture. It seeps in whether you want it to or not. And on top of that ambient hum, most of us are carrying our own private version of it. The fear of failing at something we care about. The fear of not being able to pay the bills. The fear of looking foolish. The fear of falling behind.

I'll be honest with you. I know this one personally. I run a coaching practice. And there are days when the work I do isn't really driven by let me build something I'm proud of. It's driven by what happens if this doesn't work? How am I going to cover the bills? And I notice it, because the work I do from that place feels different. It feels tighter. more desperate, and less like me.

I bring that up not because this episode is about me, but because if you're listening and you recognize that pattern in yourself, the fear that hides behind the hustle, you're not alone, and you're not broken. You're just human, doing what humans do.

But here's what I want you to sit with for this episode. Here's the thing the Stoics understood that I think most of us miss.

Fear-driven work tends to produce the very failure it's afraid of.

When you work from fear, you work small. You hedge and play it safe. You don't take the creative risk, you don't make the bold offer, you don't say the true thing. You optimize for not losing instead of for actually creating. And the work suffers. People can feel it, and it shows in your work.

So fear isn't just unpleasant to live with. It's actively undermining the thing you're trying to protect.

Which raises a question. If fear is such a bad driver, what do we replace it with? A lot of people would say optimism. Just be more positive. Believe it'll work out. Visualize success!

I don't think that's quite right either. And in a minute I want to tell you why optimism, in the way most people use the word, is just fear wearing a different costume. And what the Stoics offer instead, is sturdier than both.

The Philosophy

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

So let's go back about two thousand years.

Epictetus was a Stoic philosopher who started his life as a slave in Rome. Eventually freed, he went on to become one of the most influential teachers of his era. And in his handbook, the Enchiridion, he spoke a line that I think is one of the most useful sentences ever written about the human mind.

He said: "People are disturbed not by things, but by their judgments about things."

Think about that.

We are not disturbed by things. We are disturbed by our judgments about things. It’s the stories in our head that create the fear.

The economy isn't making you afraid. Your judgment about what the economy means for you is making you afraid. The empty calendar isn't making you anxious. Your story about what the empty calendar predicts is making you anxious. The chaotic news cycle isn't making you tense. Your interpretation of what it all means for your life is making you tense.

This is a description of how the mind actually works. Something happens — an event, a piece of news, a number in your bank account — and before you even notice, your mind hands down a opinion, a verdict. This is bad. This means I'm in danger. This means I'll fail. And then you feel the fear, and you assume the fear is about the thing.

But the fear isn't about the thing. The fear is about the verdict.

And here's why that matters: the thing isn't yours to control. The verdict is.

Imagination vs. Reality

Seneca, writing letters to his friend Lucilius, said something that pairs with this perfectly. He wrote:

“There are more things, Lucilius, likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality." — Seneca

Think about how true that is. Most of the fear you've felt in your life was about something that never actually happened. The presentation that went fine. The conversation that didn't blow up. The bill that got paid somehow. The client that did sign. We rehearse catastrophes that almost never arrive. And meanwhile, the fear itself is real and it costs us sleep, it costs us peace, it costs us the quality of the work we do today, even though the catastrophe stays imaginary.

Seneca's point isn't to shame you for worrying. It's to point out that imagination and reality are different countries, and most of our suffering happens in the wrong one.

As Michel de Montaigne later wrote:

"My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened." — Michel de Montaigne

Our minds are constantly on the lookout for the worst case scenario, yet most of those never happen.

Okay. So if fear is largely a product of our judgments, and our judgments are ours to change, what's the alternative? What do we put in fear's place?

A lot of people would say optimism.

But I want to be careful here, because I think there are two very different things people mean by that word, and one of them is a trap.

Optimism

The first kind of optimism, the kind I want you to be suspicious of, is outcome optimism. It's the belief that things will work out. That you’ll succeed. That the bills will get paid. That the future will be what you want it to be.

Here's the problem with that kind of optimism: it's just fear with the polarity reversed.

Think about it. Fear says the outcome will be bad. Outcome optimism says the outcome will be good. But both of them are doing the exact same thing — pinning your peace of mind to a prediction about something you don't control. When the prediction is wrong, and predictions about the future are wrong all the time, the optimist crashes just as hard as the pessimist. Maybe even harder because they didn't see it coming.

The Stoics would say both of these are unstable foundations. Anything built on a forecast about externals is going to wobble, because externals wobble. You can’t control the outcome of anything.

Since you can’t control the outcome, what's the alternative?

The alternative is what I'd call fortitude optimism. It's not a prediction about what will happen. It's a confidence about who you'll be when it does.

This is why courage is one of the four cardinal virtues of Stoicism. The four cardinal virtues are all about character, and courage is key to building strong character. Courage doesn’t mean that you won’t have fear. It means that you’re willing to stand up and take action even when you feel that fear. It means believing in yourself and your ability to keep going, regardless of the outcome.

It sounds like this: I don't know how this is going to go. The work I’m putting in might succeed. It might not. The economy might cooperate. It might not. But whatever shows up, I trust that I can meet it. I trust that I'll keep showing up with integrity. I trust that I'll learn what I need to learn. I trust that my worth isn't riding on the outcome.

That kind of confidence isn't aimed at the future. It's aimed at yourself. And unlike the future, yourself is something you actually have a hand in shaping.

That's the optimism the Stoics would recognize. Not things will be good, but I can meet what comes.

The Hidden Cost

Now I want to come back to something I planted at the top of the episode, because I don't want it to slide by.

I said fear-driven work tends to produce the failure it's afraid of, and I want to tell you why.

When you're afraid, your nervous system narrows. That's its job. Fear is supposed to focus you on a threat so you can survive it. The problem is, that same narrowing is poison for creative, generous, courageous work.

Fear makes you defensive. You stop taking risks. You stop making bold offers. You stop saying the true thing because the true thing might cost you something. You hedge every sentence and water down every pitch. You play not to lose instead of playing to create.

And here's the thing about work that comes from that place — people can feel it. They can feel when something was made from fear, even if they can't name what they're feeling. It feels tight. It feels needy. It doesn't move them.

So the fear of failing at your coaching practice, your business, your art, whatever — that fear is often the very thing making the practice mediocre. The fear is creating the conditions for the failure that you’re afraid of.

You can't outwork that. You can't out-hustle it. The only way out is to change the fuel. To stop running on fear and start running on something steadier.

So here's where we land at the end of this section.

Reality isn't yours. Outcomes aren't yours. The economy, the market, the news cycle, whether someone signs up to work with you next month — none of that is yours to control.

But your perspective? Your judgments? The story you're telling yourself about what any of this means? That's yours. Completely. And the Stoics would say that's the only territory where freedom actually lives.

So the question isn't how do I make the future safer. The future will be what it will be. The question is what verdict am I handing down right now, and is it true?

That's where we go next — into the practice of catching those verdicts, examining them, and building the kind of fortitude that doesn't need a forecast.

Act 3 — The Practice

If perspective is the territory where freedom lives, the question becomes, how do we actually work that territory? How do we move from understanding this intellectually to using it when it counts, which is usually three in the morning when the fear has its hands around your throat and Epictetus is nowhere to be found?

I want to give you four practices. Some of them are reflective — things you do on the page. Some of them are behavioral — things you do with your body in the actual moment. Different practices land for different people, so try them all and keep what works.

Practice 1: Name the Fear

The first practice is to name the fear out loud.

A few episodes back I talked about akrasia — that ancient Greek word for the gap between knowing what you should do and actually doing it. And one of the things I want to add today is that fear is one of the main engines of that gap.

You know what to do. You know the email to send, the offer to make, the conversation to have, the project to start. But something keeps you from doing it. And if you look closely at that something, it's almost always fear wearing a costume — fear dressed up as perfectionism, fear dressed up as research, fear dressed up as "the timing isn't right yet."

The move here is just to name it. Out loud, ideally. I'm not doing this because I'm scared. Scared of what? Scared it won't work. Scared of what people will think. Scared I'll look like I don't know what I'm doing.

That's it. That's the whole practice.

Naming the fear doesn't make it go away. But it does something almost as good — it separates you from the fear. You stop being someone who is afraid and start being someone who notices they're afraid. And that little gap, that tiny bit of space between you and the feeling, is where choice lives.

The Stoics would say that gap is everything. Everything important happens there.

Practice 2: Premeditatio Malorum

The next practice is to follow that path of fear all the way down.

This is Seneca's premeditatio malorum, the premeditation of evils. It sounds dark but it's actually one of the most liberating exercises in the whole Stoic toolkit. I think of it a jujitsu move against our mind’s willingness to catastrophize.

Here's how it works. Most of our fears are vague. They live in this fog of "what if it all falls apart." And as long as they stay vague, they stay powerful, because the imagination keeps inventing horrors faster than you can fight them.

So you bring the fear into the light. You name it, specifically, and then you walk it down step by step.

I'm afraid my business will fail. Okay, what does fail mean? It means I won't have enough clients. Okay, then what? Then I won't be able to pay my bills. Then what? Then I'd have to find other work, or move, or ask for help. Then what? Then I'd be embarrassed. People would see me struggling.

And there, usually, is where the actual fear lives. Not in the catastrophe, but in the shame about the catastrophe. Not in being unable to pay, but in being seen as someone who couldn't pay.

Most fears die at step three or four. Not because the situation isn't serious, but because the version we imagined is almost always worse than the real one. When you actually look at what would happen, you discover something the fear was hiding from you: you'd handle it. You'd figure something out. People do. You would.

The fog is what gives fear its power. Specificity, clarity, is what takes it back.

Practice 3: Perspective Audit

The third practice is what I'd call the perspective audit.

This one's short, and you can do it in thirty seconds, but I'd argue it's the most important Stoic move there is.

When you notice fear or anxiety rising, you stop and ask one question: Is this a fact, or is this a verdict?

Something happened, and your mind handed down a ruling about what it means. The empty inbox, a slow month, a tough market — those are facts. Nobody wants what I'm offering, I’m a failure — those are verdicts.

The facts are usually neutral. The verdicts are doing all the emotional damage.

So you separate them. You write them in two columns if you have to. Here's what actually happened. Here's the story I'm telling about what it means. And then you ask the harder question: Is the story actually true? Do I actually know that? Or is my mind just filling in the worst-case version because that's what minds do?

Nine times out of ten, the verdict is doing more work than the evidence supports. And once you see that, the verdict loses its grip.

This isn't denial. This isn't pretending the situation is fine. It's just refusing to confuse the situation with the story you're telling about the situation. Because Epictetus was right — the situation isn't what's disturbing you. The story is.

Practice 4: Optimize for Action

The last practice is to stop optimizing for the outcome and start optimizing for action.

This is where the Stoic dichotomy of control becomes a tool you can actually use, not just a concept you nod along to.

Outcomes aren't yours to control. Whether the launch works, whether the client signs, whether the post takes off, whether the bills get covered this month — none of that is in your hands. You can influence those things, but you can't determine them.

But what action you take is yours. The next email you write. The next session you prepare for. The next conversation you have. The quality of attention you bring. The quality of the offer. Those are yours, completely.

So when fear shows up, and it will, the redirect is to stop asking will this work and start asking what's the next right move, and how do I do it the best I can?

That's a smaller question. It's also a question you can actually answer. And here's what's strange about it — when you stop white-knuckling trying to control the outcome and pour that energy into the quality of you actions, the outcomes tend to improve. Not because you forced them, but because work that comes from that place is just better work.

Virtue is in the doing, not the result. The Stoics were emphatic about that. And it turns out to be practical advice, not just philosophical.

Four practices: Name the fear out loud. Walk the fear down. Audit the perspective. Optimize for action, not the outcome.

You don't need all four. You need one or two that fit your wiring, used consistently, when it actually matters.

Conclusion

I want to leave you with this.

There's a line you've probably heard before — that courage isn't the absence of fear, it's acting in spite of it. It's almost a cliché at this point. But I want you to hear it again, because I think most of us read it once, nodded, and missed what it actually means.

It means the fear isn't the problem.

The fear is going to be there. As long as you care about something — your work, your people, your life — there's going to be fear. That's not a flaw in you. That's not something to fix. The fear is just the price of caring about anything in a world where you don't get to control how it goes.

What you can control is whether the fear gets to drive.

That's the entire shift this episode has been pointing at. You don't have to stop being afraid. You couldn't if you tried. What you can do is refuse to hand fear the steering wheel. You can let it ride along, you can let it have its opinion, you can even thank it for trying to keep you safe — and then you can keep your hands on the wheel and drive the car yourself.

That's fortitude. That's the thing that's sturdier than optimism, sturdier than positive thinking, sturdier than any forecast about how the future is going to go. It's not a prediction. It's a posture. It's the quiet confidence that whatever shows up, you can meet it — not because you know what's coming, but because you trust who you are.

And here's the thing I want you to hold onto.

The Stoics weren't trying to make you indifferent. They weren't trying to turn you into a stone. The whole point of doing this work — the perspective audits, the premeditation of evils, the catching your fear-driven choices — the whole point isn't to feel less. It's to clear the obstacles between you and the life you actually want to live.

As Marcus Aurelius reminds us:

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." — Marcus Aurelius

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles. It eats your energy. It shrinks your work. It keeps you small in a world that needs you to show up at your biggest and best. When you stop letting it drive, what you get back isn't numbness. It's the opposite. You get back the space to actually create something, to actually love something, to actually do the work you came here to do.

That's not optimism. That's not pessimism. It’s just being free.

So here's what I'd ask you to take with you.

This week, just notice. When you make a choice — about your work, about a conversation, about whether to send the thing or not send the thing — notice what's driving. Is it the version of you that's creating something? Or is it the version of you that's defending against something?

If it's the second one, pause. Walk the fear down. Audit your perspective. Then ask what you'd do if you trusted yourself to handle whatever came next.

Then do that.

Not because you're sure it'll work. You won't ever be sure. But because you know that you can handle it. If you fail, then you’ll learn from that failure, and keep moving forward.

Fortitude over forecast.

Trust yourself. Not the outcome.

That's where the freedom is.

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

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Do you need therapy in order to have a good life? What is the difference between therapy and philosophy? Today I want to discuss the differences and how you need to right tools to build a good life.

“We should not use philosophy like a herbal remedy, to be discarded when we're through. Rather, we must allow philosophy to remain with us, continually guarding our judgements throughout life, forming part of our daily regimen, like eating a nutritious diet or taking physical exercise.”

― Musonius Rufus

A few years ago, a friend of mine called me in crisis. And I mean real crisis — the kind of call where you stop whatever you're doing and you just listen. She was telling me she didn't know if she wanted to keep going. She was exhausted, she was hopeless, she couldn't see a way through.

We got her help. Emergency help. Short-term therapy was the right call and I'd make it again every single time. If you're ever in that place, or someone you love is, that's what you do. You get them safe first.

But here's the thing that has stayed with me for years.

Once she was past the acute crisis, once she was safe, she started to figure out what had brought her to that edge. And you know what it turned out to be? She was working nights. Had been for years. Getting four or five hours of broken sleep during the day. Eating badly. Barely seeing her friends because her schedule didn't line up with anyone else's.

She switched to a day schedule. Started sleeping seven, eight hours a night. And within a few weeks she was a different person. Not a little better. Completely different. Like the fog had lifted and she could see her life again.

Now, I want to be careful here. I'm not saying everyone in a mental health crisis just needs sleep. I'm not minimizing what she went through or what anyone goes through. What happened to her was real, and getting her into emergency care was essential.

But I also can't ignore what actually changed her life. It wasn't a breakthrough in therapy. It wasn't a new medication. It was sleep. A basic human need she hadn't been meeting for months.

And that story has sat with me for years because it points at something I think our culture has gotten really confused about.

We have started treating therapy as the default answer to almost everything. Feeling anxious? Find a therapist. Feeling sad? Find a therapist. Feeling lost, unmotivated, disconnected, purposeless? Find a therapist. It has become almost a moral obligation. If you're not in therapy, there's a quiet suggestion that maybe you should be. That you're avoiding the work.

I read an article recently by Scott Galloway on this, and I want to be clear — he's not the villain of this episode. He's actually pointing at a lot of the same things I'm going to point at today. He talks about the structural issues. Economic instability. Disconnection. The fact that therapy isn't even accessible to huge numbers of people. He's pushing back on the same cultural drift I'm going to push back on.

But that drift is real. And I think it's costing us.

Here's my own story with this. I've been in therapy at different points in my life. Some of it was helpful. Some of it wasn't. And when I look honestly at what actually moved the needle for me, it wasn't usually the therapy sessions. I found myself talking around my problems a lot. Getting close, backing away, getting close again. The real work I did — the work that actually changed me — came from deep journaling. Sitting alone and being brutally honest with myself. Looking at all the things I didn't like about myself and learning to accept them.

That wasn't therapy. That was philosophy.

And that's the thing I want to talk about today. Because I think a lot of us are reaching for therapy when what we actually need is philosophy. We're reaching for a specific tool when what we need is a framework for living. And we're reaching for a clinical solution when what we're really facing is a life-structure problem.

Most of what we're calling mental health problems today are life-structure problems. And most of what we're calling self-care is a substitute for the self-building we're avoiding.

That's what I want to unpack in this episode.

The Philosophy

Let me start with something that I find genuinely remarkable.

Every serious ancient tradition — the Stoics, Aristotle, the Epicureans, the Buddhists, the Confucians — they all converged on roughly the same answer to the question what makes a human life go well? Different vocabularies. Different metaphysics. Different gods or no gods. But the core list is almost identical.

A functioning body. Real friendship. Meaningful work. A sense of being part of something larger than yourself. Enough material security that survival isn't consuming all your attention. And some kind of disciplined self-understanding — a way of examining your own life honestly.

That's it. That's the list. And it has been the list for about 2,500 years.

Marcus Aurelius woke up in the morning and wrote:

"At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: 'I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do?'"

Not the work of an emperor. Not the work of a great man. The work of a human being. Meaning participation in the whole. Contribution. Showing up for your role in something bigger than yourself.

Aristotle spends two entire books of the Nicomachean Ethics on friendship. Two out of ten. Because he understood that real friendship — philia, the kind of friendship where someone knows you and still loves you, where you shape each other over years — is not a nice-to-have. It's nearly constitutive of a good life. You can't flourish alone.

Seneca's letters are almost entirely about this. He writes to his friend Lucilius for years about how to live. About the shaping power of good company and the corrosive power of bad company. About how much of who you become is just the people you spend time with.

Musonius Rufus, one of the Roman Stoics, wrote entire lectures on food and exercise. Because he understood — a point that seems obvious and yet we keep forgetting it — that you cannot philosophize well while malnourished and sedentary.

He wrote:

“For obviously the philosopher's body should be well prepared for physical activity, because often the virtues make use of this as a necessary instrument for the affairs of life.” ― Musonius Rufus

The body is the instrument of the good life. Not optimized. Not biohacked. Just present and functional.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Modern psychology, modern neuroscience, modern public health research — they keep rediscovering this list. And they keep dressing it up in new vocabulary.

"Social connection reduces cortisol." Yes. That's what Aristotle said.

"Exercise is as effective as many medications for mild to moderate depression." Yes. Musonius Rufus could have told you that.

"Purpose predicts longevity." Yes. Marcus knew that.

"Financial stress is the single biggest predictor of psychological distress in working adults." Yes. Epictetus and Seneca both said that material sufficiency matters enormously — not wealth, but enough that you're not drowning.

We are not discovering anything new. We are forgetting, and then rediscovering, what every serious tradition has always known.

So here's the distinction I want to draw today. And I think this is the distinction that can really change how you think about your own life:

Therapy is a tool. Philosophy is a framework for living.

A tool is designed to do a specific job. You use a hammer for nails. You use a wrench for bolts. A hammer is a wonderful thing — as long as what you have is a nail. If what you have is a leaky faucet, the hammer is going to make things worse.

Therapy is a tool. It's a genuinely good tool, and it's the right tool for certain specific jobs.

It's the right tool for trauma. Real, capital-T trauma where the nervous system itself is dysregulated. You cannot exercise your way out of PTSD. You need skilled help.

It's the right tool for clinical depression and anxiety. The kind that persists even when your life is in order. That's real. That's biological. It needs clinical care.

And it's the right tool for patterns you genuinely can't see from inside your own head. Sometimes you need another mind to show you what you're doing. That's legitimate, and it's useful.

But therapy was never designed to answer the question how should I live? That's not what it's for. That's a philosophical question. It's the oldest question humans have. And we have 2,500 years of serious thinking about it that we're largely ignoring in favor of a tool that was designed for something else.

Therapy can't make an isolated life feel connected. The therapist isn't your friend. That's not a failure of therapy, it's a category mistake about what therapy is.

Therapy can't make meaningless work feel meaningful. It can't replace sleep and sunlight and movement.

Therapy can't fix financial instability or generate a purpose larger than yourself.

You can talk about loneliness in therapy for ten years and still be lonely at the end of it. Because the work of building a connected life happens outside the therapy room.

Now, I have to say something honest here, because if I don't, this whole episode becomes a hot take, and I'm not interested in hot takes.

The foundations I'm talking about — they have gotten structurally harder to build. This is not imaginary. Housing eats half of a lot of people's income. Work has gotten more precarious and more stripped of meaning. The dating apps have broken the on-ramp to partnership for a lot of people. Communities have dissolved. The third places — the cafes, the clubs, the civic organizations, the churches for those who want them, the extended family networks — a lot of that has thinned out in our modern society.

So when someone in 2026 is struggling to build a life with real friends and meaningful work and economic stability, they are not failing at something easy. They are trying to do something that the surrounding society has made genuinely harder. Scott Galloway is right about this, and we have to take it seriously.

But here's the Stoic flex. And this is where we earn our keep as people who take this philosophy seriously.

The response to structural difficulty is not to wait for structures to change. The response is to focus on what is yours to do and build the foundations anyway. Harder, more deliberately, with clear eyes about what you're up against.

That's Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus and Seneca taught. You don't get to choose the world you were born into. You get to choose what you do with it.

The Practice

Alright. So how does this actually play out in your life? How do you build the foundation to a better life?

I think there are three categories that get confused, and once you can see them clearly, a lot of this becomes easier to navigate.

The first category is actual foundations. Sleep. Movement and exercise. Food that's real and healthy. Sunlight. Real friendships — not followers, not networks, real friends who know you. Work that matters to you in some way, even if it's small. A sense of purpose larger than your own pleasure. Enough economic security that survival isn't eating your attention.

A simple example of this appeared in my own life just yesterday. I was feeling really moody and annoyed with everything. I tried journalling to figure out what was at the root of it but nothing surfaced. Finally, later in the day I took a nap. When I woke up it was like the world had changed. I felt happier and that pessimistic mood had disappeared. It wasn’t magic. It was just a foundational need that needed to be addressed.

That's the first category. That's the core list.

The second category is what I'll call foundation-theater. This is the stuff that looks like taking care of yourself, feels like effort, and doesn't actually touch the real problem.

The 4 AM routines. The ice baths. The elaborate supplement stacks and biohacking. Productivity systems that exist to make you feel like you're building something.

And look, I'm not saying any of these things are bad in themselves. Cold water is fine. Getting up early is fine if it actually serves your life. Supplements can be useful. None of this is the enemy.

The problem is when these become a substitute for the foundations. When the ice bath is easier than the hard conversation you've been avoiding with your partner. When the 4 AM routine is easier than admitting you're in the wrong job. When the supplement stack is easier than going to bed at a reasonable hour. When the productivity system is easier than doing one thing that actually matters.

Foundation-theater is seductive because it feels like work. It feels like you're doing something hard. But if you notice, the hard things you're doing are always the things that don't require the actual courage. They don't require you to face the thing you're avoiding.

The third category is therapy-as-substitute. This is using therapy — or any form of ongoing self-analysis — to process a life instead of building one.

And I want to be really careful here, because I am not saying therapy is bad. I said that clearly earlier. Therapy for trauma, for clinical conditions, for specific stuck patterns — that's the right tool for the right job.

But there's a version of it where someone spends years talking about their loneliness instead of calling someone. Talking about their job dissatisfaction instead of looking for a new one. Years understanding their patterns instead of doing anything different. That's the tool being used for the wrong job. That's philosophy's work being asked of a clinical intervention.

I'll tell you what worked for me, personally. I mentioned earlier that I found myself talking around my problems in therapy. And what actually changed me was deep journaling. Sitting with a pen and paper and being willing to write down what I actually thought. What I actually feared. What I actually didn't like about myself.

I want to point out this practice is not something I invented. That is the Stoic practice. Seneca ended every day by reviewing his own conduct, writing:

"When the light has been removed and my wife has fallen silent, aware of this habit that's now mine, I examine my entire day and go back over what I've done and said, hiding nothing from myself, passing nothing by." — Seneca

Epictetus echoed this sentiment:

"Admit not sleep into your tender eyelids till you have reckoned up each deed of the day — how have I erred, what done or left undone?" — Epictetus

Marcus Aurelius wrote the Meditations to himself, for himself, as a practice of honest self-examination. This is one of the oldest practices in philosophy.

It's not therapy. It doesn't require a professional. It requires one thing, and it's a thing that's hard but simple: the willingness to be truly honest with yourself.

And that willingness — that's what emotional courage actually is. Not the willingness to optimize or to look disciplined. The willingness to sit with yourself and see yourself clearly.

Here's what I want you to notice about real emotional courage, as opposed to its performance.

Real courage is embarrassingly simple and almost always uncomfortable.

It is easier to book a therapy session than to call the friend you've been avoiding.

It is easier to buy a supplement stack than to quit the job that is hollowing you out.

It is easier to meditate on your loneliness than to invite someone to lunch.

It is easier to scroll a forum about self-improvement than to go to bed at 10 PM.

None of the courageous things require insight. They don't require understanding. They require doing the thing. Epictetus said it plainly — “if you want to be a writer, write”. If you want a connected life, connect. If you want a healthy body, take care of it. There isn't a trick. There isn't a hack. There's just doing.

So let me give you two ways to work with this. I know my listeners are different. Some of you are more reflective, some of you are more action-oriented, and I want to serve both.

If you're the reflective type, here's what I'd suggest. Sit down this week with a notebook. Not a phone, not a computer. Paper. And do an honest audit.

Write down what's actually troubling you right now. And then ask: how much of this is a specific psychological problem that would benefit from skilled professional help? And how much of it is a foundation problem — a sleep problem, a connection problem, a purpose problem, a movement problem, a money problem?

Be honest. That's the only rule. Don't protect yourself. Don't flatter yourself. Ask, “what am I actually avoiding by focusing on this problem?”

If you're the action-oriented type, here's a different path. Pick one foundation this week. One, not all of them. Just the one you've been avoiding most.

Maybe it's sleep. You know you should be in bed by 11 and you've been in bed by 1 for six months. Fix that. One thing.

Maybe it's connection. Call a friend — an actual phone call, not a text — and make a plan to see them. One call.

Maybe it's movement, so take a 30-minute walk outside every day. One walk.

Maybe it's the hard conversation. The one you already know you need to have. Have that conversation.

Pick one. Do it for two weeks. Notice what shifts. And I promise you — promise — it will shift more than you think.

And let me say one more time, because this matters. If after you've built the foundations — after you're sleeping, moving, connected, doing work that matters to you — after all of that you're still struggling, then yes, absolutely find a therapist. Go get the right tool for the specific job. That's what therapy is for. And please, if you're in crisis right now, get help today. The foundations argument is not for an emergency. An emergency needs emergency care.

But for the rest of us, in our ordinary lives, with our ordinary discontent — most of what's troubling us is not a clinical problem. It's a life problem. And it has an answer, and the answer is old, and the answer works.

Conclusion

Here's what I want to leave you with.

The easier path is always available. The easier path is the one that lets you keep doing what you're already doing. Take a pill to tolerate a life you shouldn't be tolerating. Book a session to process a friendship you should just repair. Buy a course on discipline instead of going to bed on time. Meditate on your isolation instead of inviting someone to dinner.

The easier path has an answer for every problem, and the answer never requires you to actually change anything.

Emotional courage is different. Emotional courage is the willingness to look at your discomfort and ask the harder question. Not what's wrong with my brain? But what's missing from my life? The second question is harder because the answers demand action. They demand that you build the foundations for a good life.

My friend, the one I told you about at the beginning — she didn't need a decade of therapy to understand why she was in crisis. Once she was safe, what she needed was sleep. And she had the courage to make a big change — different job, different schedule, different life — to get it. That's the move. That's what it looks like.

Therapy is a tool. A good one, for the right job. Philosophy is a framework for living. They are not in competition. They are not the same thing. Don't ask either of them to do what the other one does.

You don't need to be optimized. You need to be built.

And the building — the actual, real, unglamorous building — is waiting for you. It looks like sleep. It looks like a walk. It looks like the phone call you've been putting off. It looks like the honest page of journaling where you finally tell yourself the truth. It looks like showing up, today, for the life you actually want to be living.

That's the work. That's always been the work. And no one can do it for you.

The foundations are older than we are, they've been waiting for us the whole time, so start building that foundation.

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

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Do you have a clear picture of the person you want to become? And what happens when you fall short of that person — not once, but again and again? Today I want to talk about what you should do when you fall short of reaching your ideal self.

“Give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.”

— Epictetus

There's a particular kind of disappointment that comes with self-improvement. It's not the disappointment of failing at something you don't care about. It's the sting of seeing exactly who you could be, and watching yourself fall short of it. You know what you're capable of. And when you don't reach that version of yourself, it's easy to wonder if any of the work is worth it.

This came up recently in a discussion in my course, Build an Unbreakable Mind. We were talking about how we hold expectations of who we want to become, and what to do when we fall short. It stuck with me. So today I want to go deeper — into the specific traps that hold us back, and how to get out of them.

The Greater Man

Nietzsche had this idea called the Übermensch — German for "Over Man" or "Greater Man." A lot of people assume it's about domination or superiority. It's not. It's about becoming the best version of yourself. Not incrementally better — genuinely, fundamentally greater.

Marcus Aurelius put it more simply:

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

When you measure yourself against that greater version and come up short, you face a choice. You can do the work to close the gap — or you can quietly lower the bar.

And lowering the bar is much easier.

You see it everywhere. The person who justifies cutting corners because everyone else does. The one who stays quiet when they should speak up. The one who tells themselves they didn't really want it anyway after they fail to get it. These aren't moral failures so much as they are the path of least resistance.

But here's the thing: when you give up and lower your standards, you don't escape the pain. You suffer twice. Once because you saw who you could be, and once because you stopped trying.

The Goalposts Always Move

Here's something you often don’t realize when you start doing real inner work: the better you get, the further away the finish line looks.

You grow. You climb the hill. You reach what you thought was the summit — and from up there, you see a mountain range stretching out behind it. Your old vision of yourself was too small. And now that you can see further, you're disappointed you're not already up there.

This is actually a sign of progress. Epictetus said, "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." Doing expands what you see. You can't have the vision without doing the work, and the work keeps revealing a bigger vision.

But it doesn't feel like progress. It feels like failure.

And it compounds. The problems you're dealing with now are bigger — because you've grown into bigger problems. Things that used to derail you are now easy. But the new obstacles require skills you haven't built yet. You're failing more, and sometimes failing bigger, because you're attempting more.

You've leveled up. So have the challenges.

What Demosthenes Knew

This is where most people quit. And I want to tell you about someone who almost did — and what happened because he didn't.

Demosthenes is considered the greatest orator of ancient Greece. He could move thousands with his words, and he shaped the course of Athenian history. But the first time he stood before a public audience, he was laughed off the stage. He had a severe stutter. A weak voice. Awkward gestures. He was, by every measure, a terrible public speaker.

He could have accepted that verdict. Most people would.

Instead, he went to work on himself in ways that looked almost insane. He shaved half his head so he'd be too embarrassed to go out in public and would have to stay home and practice. He put pebbles in his mouth and recited speeches against the roar of the sea, training his voice to project through chaos. He practiced in front of mirrors for hours. He built a study underground and retreated there for months at a time.

He didn't close the gap between who he was and who he wanted to be by wishing the gap to be smaller. He closed it by working — imperfectly, repeatedly, without guarantee of success.

The gap between who you are and who you want to be is not a verdict. It's an invitation.

Changing the Rules

So how do you keep going when the gap feels impossible?

You don't lower your standards. You change how you measure progress.

First — examine where the vision came from. Is this actually your ideal, or did someone hand it to you? Society, family, a religion, a culture — they all have a version of who you should be. If you're running toward someone else's finish line, winning won't feel like anything. Get clear on what you actually value, and let that be the compass.

Second — kill your expectations. As my friend Trever puts it: expectations equal disappointment. When you hold up a perfect ideal as the only proof that you've "made it," you've guaranteed that you'll feel like a failure. Perfectionism isn't a high standard. It's a trap that keeps you stuck in a permanent state of not-enough.

The vision of your greater self is aspirational. It's a compass, not a destination. You are not supposed to arrive at it. You are supposed to move toward it.

The real game is simple: are you better than you were yesterday? If yes, celebrate. If not, get curious — not critical. Curiosity asks, what can I learn from this? Criticism just piles on. One moves you forward. The other keeps you stuck.

Voltaire wasn't a Stoic, but he got this one right: "The perfect is the enemy of the good."

Third — accept that failure is part of the work. If you never fail, you're only doing things you already know how to do. You're playing it safe. Failure is what happens at the edge of your capability — which is exactly where growth lives.

I'm experiencing this myself right now writing my next book. It's a different kind of project than my last one — longer, deeper, more narrative. It's stretching me in ways that are genuinely uncomfortable. I'm failing at it regularly. But I'm also learning skills I didn't have before, and that only happens because I'm in the uncomfortable middle of something I don't know how to do… yet.

Simply put, never waste a good failure. It happened and you can't change that. But if you learn from it, it stops being a failure. Instead, it becomes exactly the lesson you needed.

Objectivity Over Judgment

The Stoics gave us another very useful tool, and it's one of the most misunderstood.

They talked about looking at yourself with objectivity — without the overlay of shame, blame, or self-judgment. A lot of people hear "objectivity" and think cold or harsh. It's the opposite. Objectivity means removing unfair judgment. It means seeing clearly what happened, rather than spiraling into a story about what it says about you as a person.

This doesn't mean ignoring your emotions. Emotions are signals. There is wisdom that our bodies often understand long before our brains. If you feel disappointed in yourself, that's useful information. It tells you that this matters to you. If you have a gut instinct about something, take it into consideration. Pay attention to those signals and use it as fuel to move you forward.

But when emotions run the show, they turn a specific failure into a personal verdict. You didn't just fall short. You are a failure. That story isn't true, and it isn't helpful.

The rational mind — the one the Stoics kept coming back to — is actually the kinder voice. It says: here's what happened, here's what I can learn, here's what I do next. It doesn't catastrophize. It doesn't condemn. It gets curious, and moves us forward.

Conclusion

The path to our better selves is not a straight one. There are always going to be obstacles, setbacks, and disappointments. And the real truth is that we’ll never reach that perfect self. The vision is a compass so we know what direction to go. We need to remember that goal is not about perfection, but progress.

And as you progress your vision of what you can accomplish will widen. You’ll see farther, see more of what’s possible, and tackle bigger problems. Rather than letting that disappoint you, let it excite you.

As Epictetus reminds us:

“Progress is not achieved by luck or accident, but by working on yourself daily.” — Epictetus

That's the work. Not reaching the ideal. Not closing the gap once and for all.

Just moving forward — honestly, persistently, and a little more clearly than yesterday.

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

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THE PROBLEM

Are you too busy? Are you working too hard to be productive with every minute of your time? In today’s episode I want to talk about the perils of over-optimizing your life, and what the Stoics had to say about managing your time.

“So, concerning the things we pursue, and for which we vigorously exert ourselves, we owe this consideration – either there is nothing useful in them, or most aren't useful. Some of them are superfluous, while others aren't worth that much. But we don't discern this and see them as free, when they cost us dearly.” — Seneca

Here's a question I want you to think about for a moment: When was the last time you did nothing? And I don’t mean meditation with a timer. Not a "recovery walk" you logged on your fitness app. Not a vacation you planned three months in advance and packed with activities. I mean genuinely, unscheduled, purposeless nothing.

If that question makes you a little uncomfortable — good. Stay with that discomfort. It's worth paying attention to.

We live in a culture that has turned busyness into a virtue. Hustle culture doesn't just govern how we work, it's taken over how we live. We optimize our mornings and time-block our evenings. We have productivity systems for our productivity systems. And somewhere along the way, the pressure to be efficient with every minute stopped being about work and started being about everything.

We feel guilty resting, like we're falling behind if we're not growing, improving, achieving. We half-listen to our kids because our brains are already solving tomorrow's problem. We treat our relationships like line items — something to maintain, to check in on, to be efficient with.

And the really insidious part? We've gotten very, very good at it. By every external measure, many of us are crushing it. The career is moving. The goals are being achieved. The metrics are trending up.

And yet, quietly, underneath all of it, something feels off. Like you're running hard but not sure where you're going. Like you're winning a game you didn't consciously choose to play.

That feeling, that discomfort? That's wisdom trying to get your attention.

Today I want to talk about what the Stoics, and specifically Seneca, had to say about this. Because he diagnosed this problem two thousand years ago with surgical precision. And his answer isn't what you might expect.

THE PHILOSOPHY

Seneca was a wealthy, powerful man. Advisor to an emperor. One of the most successful people in Rome. He knew ambition from the inside. And late in his life, he wrote a short essay called De Brevitate Vitae (On the Shortness of Life) that I think is one of the most important things ever written about how we spend our time.

He opens without pulling any punches:

"It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a great deal of it."

Read that again. He's not saying life is short. He's saying we make it short — by squandering it on things that don't deserve it.

And here's what's critical: Seneca isn't targeting the lazy. He's targeting the ambitious. The strivers. The people who are busy every minute of every day, and still somehow missing their lives.

He writes:

"People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy."

Think about that. We password-protect our phones. We lock our cars. We negotiate our salaries. But time, the only resource we cannot earn back, cannot borrow, cannot buy, we hand it over to anyone who asks. We let hustle culture tell us exactly what to do with it.

Now here's where Stoic philosophy gets really sharp. The Stoics made a distinction that completely collapses hustle culture. They separated preferred indifferents — things like wealth, status, achievement, success — from the actual good. The actual good, for a Stoic, is virtue: living with wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance.

Preferred indifferents aren't bad. It's fine to pursue success. But they are not the point. They are not where meaning lives. Hustle culture has convinced us otherwise, that the scoreboard is the point of the game. And so we optimize furiously for things that, when we finally get them, leave us standing in the end zone wondering why we don't feel the way we thought we would.

Marcus Aurelius asked himself a question I think we should all have tattooed somewhere: "Ask yourself at every moment: is this necessary?"

Not "is this productive?" Not "is this optimizing my outcome?" Is it necessary? Does it serve the life I actually want to live? Because far too often, we’re chasing things that others have told us are important, not necessarily what really make a good life. Maybe it’s the job we hate but want for the prestige. The expensive car to make others jealous. Or even the fancy house that we don’t get to enjoy because we’re too busy being productive.

And Seneca is pretty clear about this. He calls out those that are busy building fortunes with no time to enjoy them. Those that ingratiate themselves to others for promotion. Others who are driven by greed traveling here and there for wealth.

And this is where temperance, one of the four cardinal Stoic virtues, comes in. We tend to think of temperance as moderation, as holding back. But temperance, for the Stoics, is discernment. It's the wisdom to know what deserves your energy and what doesn't. It means the appropriate action, with the appropriate amount of energy, at the appropriate time. It's the discipline to say no to the noise so you can say yes to what actually matters.

Busyness

Here's the harder truth Seneca is pointing at: busyness is a choice. Not always a conscious one, but a choice nonetheless.

But why do we choose to get stuck in being busy?

I think for many people busyness, striving, and achievement are how they gain their sense of worth. It’s like they have to prove that they have value, rather than recognizing that they are valuable because of who they are, not what they achieve. External success is a substitute for internal character.

A secondary reason for busyness is that it pushes off time being alone with yourself. Because if you're always busy, you never have to sit with the harder questions. You never have to ask whether the life you're building is the life you actually want. Busyness is armor. It keeps the big questions at bay.

But Seneca reminds us that it truly is the inner life that matters, not externals:

“A man thus grounded must, whether he wills or not, necessarily be attended by constant cheerfulness and a joy that is deep and issues from deep within, since he finds delight in his own resources, and desires no joys greater than his inner joys.” — Seneca

Busyness is a way to feel productive, but ignoring what really matters—building character and connection with others.

What is it all for?

I think the most important thing to remember is that life is about living and experiencing. We strive because being useful and creating is important. It give us purpose and a sense of accomplishment. There’s nothing wrong with striving. But when we go so caught up in striving and being productive in all areas then we miss out on the happy accidents of life. We don’t leave idle time for creativity and just thinking about things. When our minds are bored then we have space to connect things that we might not have ever thought of. This is why we have shower thoughts. This is why walking away from a problem and allowing our minds to wander often brings the eureka moments that help us break through resistance.

It opens us up to chance encounters. One of the things that I noticed when I was living in Amsterdam is that when I first got there I would regularly chat with people on the metro or on buses. I often had great conversations with people that I otherwise wouldn’t have met. But I was kind of an outlier. Most people were staring at their phones or had their headphones on. Over time adopted this behavior as well and missed those unique encounters.

The point of this whole episode is make sure that we leave time for enjoying life, that we allow our minds time to relax, for connection, and being open to chance.

THE PRACTICE

So what does this actually look like? I'm not here to tell you to quit your job or spend three hours a day in contemplation. The Stoics were practical. They were active in the world. What they asked was simply that you live in it deliberately.

Here are three practices I think are worth sitting with.

Audit Your Striving

This is the core Seneca practice. Regularly, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, ask yourself: What am I actually working toward? Is it creating joy, or just getting more?

Write it down. Don't just think it. Write it. Because writing forces honesty in a way that thinking doesn't. You may find that what you're grinding toward is something you genuinely care about. Great. Keep going with clarity. But you may also find that you've been chasing something because it's expected of you, because it's what people like you are supposed to want. And that discovery, uncomfortable as it is, is worth everything.

Seneca writes:

“There is nothing the busy man is less busied with than living: there is nothing that is harder to learn.”

Is what your busying yourself, worth your time?

Protect unstructured time (and defend it like it matters).

Not as a reward. Not after you've earned it. As a non-negotiable part of a well-lived life.

This is where real thinking happens. Where creative ideas surface. Where you remember who you are outside of your output. Where your relationships get space to actually breathe. If you need to schedule it to protect it, schedule it. But stop treating it as empty space to be filled. It is not empty. It is where your life is.

Be present with the people in front of you.

This one might be the hardest, and it might also be the most important. The most insidious cost of over-optimization isn't burnout. It's the slow erosion of connection. When you're always half-present — body in the room, mind three steps ahead — you are not actually with the people you love. You're near them. There's a difference.

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown wrote:

“Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

The Stoics would agree, framing it through their idea of cosmopolitanism — that we are all members of one human community, and our obligations to each other are important. You cannot fulfill those obligations on autopilot.

Full presence isn't soft. It's not a nice-to-have. It is, Seneca would argue, the whole point.

Conclusion

Let me bring this back to where we started.

The problem isn't that you're not productive enough. The problem isn't that you need a better system, a sharper routine, or a more optimized morning.

The problem is that we've confused the map for the territory. We've gotten so good at the how of living that we've stopped asking the why.

Seneca saw this in Rome. The ambitious people surrounding him — running from one obligation to the next, accumulating, achieving, never pausing — and dying, he said, without ever having truly lived. Not because their lives were short. But because they were never fully present in them.

He wrote: “He who is everywhere is nowhere.”

You can be everywhere — every meeting, every commitment, every optimized hour — and still be nowhere that actually matters.

The Stoic invitation isn't to do less. It's to choose more deliberately. To ask, regularly and honestly: Is what I'm striving for really worth it? Am I creating joy, or just getting more?

That question takes courage. It is easier to stay busy. It is easier to keep the calendar full and the metrics moving and never stop long enough to look up and ask if this is the direction you’ve actually chosen.

But you have that courage. The fact that you're here, listening, asking these questions — that's evidence of it.

So this week, I want to leave you with one thing. Not a task. Not an optimization. Just a question to carry with you:

Am I living deliberately enough?

Not perfectly. Not without ambition. Just deliberately. With your eyes open. Knowing what you value, and letting that — not the culture around you, not the scoreboard — be what guides how you spend the one thing that is truly, only, yours—your time.

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

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In today’s media environment do you know how to think well? How do you know who to trust? Today we’re going to talk about how Stoicism can help you to think critically about what you consume, and how be skeptical without being cynical.

“You become what you give your attention to…If you yourself don't choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will.” — Epictetus

ACT 1 — THE PROBLEM

When was the last time you read a headline and immediately trusted it? Not skeptically clicked through to check — just trusted it?

If you're like most people, that moment feels increasingly distant. And honestly? That makes sense. We've been burned. We've shared things that turned out to be wrong. We've watched experts contradict each other. We've seen the same event reported in completely opposite ways by outlets that both claim to be telling the truth.

The result is a kind of information exhaustion. A low-grade weariness that comes from not knowing what to believe anymore.

And I want to say clearly at the start of this episode: that exhaustion is valid. You're not paranoid. You're not stupid. You're a person who's paying attention in an environment that has made paying attention genuinely difficult.

But here's where it gets interesting. Because that exhaustion tends to push us toward one of two wrong responses.

The first is blind belief — you find a source that feels right, that speaks your language, that confirms your worldview, and you just... outsource your thinking to it. It's comfortable. It's simple. And it's dangerous.

The second is total cynicism — you decide everyone is lying, everything is propaganda, and the only rational response is to trust nothing. It feels like wisdom. It isn't.

Here's a distinction I want you to hold onto for this entire episode:

Skepticism is a method. Cynicism is an identity.

The skeptic says show me. They stay open, ask questions, and update when the evidence changes. The cynic has already decided the answer is "they're all lying" — and that's not a conclusion, that’s surrender. It feels like critical thinking but it's actually the opposite. It's just a different kind of lazy.

The Stoics had a lot to say about this. And what they built, two thousand years ago, is one of the most practical frameworks for navigating an information-saturated world that I've ever come across.

ACT 2 — THE PHILOSOPHY

Impressions and Assent

Let's start with Epictetus.

Epictetus was a former slave who became one of the most influential philosophers in history. And at the center of his entire teaching was something he called the discipline of assent — in Greek, synkatathesis. The idea is simple but demanding: you don't have to accept every impression that arrives in your mind. In fact, you have a duty not to.

Here’s how he explained impressions and assent:

“Impressions, striking a person's mind as soon as he perceives something within range of his senses, are not voluntary or subject to his will, they impose themselves on people's attention almost with a will of their own. But the act of assent, which endorses these impressions, is voluntary and a function of the human will.” — Epictetus (Fragments 9)

But more directly on this point, he taught his students to meet every incoming impression — every piece of information, every claim — with a kind of active interrogation. He called it confronting the phantasia, the impression, before assenting to it.

He put it this way:

“Don't let the force of the impression when first it hits you knock you off your feet; just say to it, "Hold on a moment; let me see who you are and what you represent. Let me put you to the test.” — Epictetus (Discourses II, 18.24)

That's a media literacy practice, written in the first century AD.

Think about what that means in the context of a headline designed to provoke outrage, or a video clipped out of context, or a statistic stripped of its methodology. The impression arrives and feels like the truth. Epictetus says: slow down. That feeling is not the same as fact. Take the time to interrogate it and see if there is any truth behind it.

It’s Okay to be Wrong

Now let's talk about Marcus Aurelius.

Marcus was Emperor of Rome — arguably the most powerful person on earth during his reign. He had every incentive to believe his own perspective was correct. And yet the Meditations are full of reminders he wrote to himself about intellectual humility.

In Book 6, he wrote:

"If anyone can refute me — show me I'm making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective — I'll gladly change. It's the truth I'm after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance." — Marcus Aurelius

Read that again. The most powerful man in the world writing a personal reminder that being wrong is okay, as long as you're pursuing truth.

That's the mindset we're after. Not "I'm right until proven wrong." Not "everyone's lying so nothing matters." It's: I am genuinely open to being corrected, because the truth matters more than my ego.

That takes courage. In a world where changing your mind is called flip-flopping, where admitting uncertainty is seen as weakness — saying "I don't know" is one of the most rebellious, intellectually honest things you can do.

I'd also note something Marcus wrote that speaks directly to the media environment we live in now. He reminded himself:

"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are." — Marcus Aurelius

Not look away or catastrophize. Rather, look clearly and try to see the truth. That's the goal.

Protect Your Mind

And then there's Seneca.

Seneca was deeply concerned with what we let into our minds. He saw the mind as something to be guarded, not left open to whatever happened to walk through the door.

In his Letters, he wrote:

"Retire into yourself as much as you can; associate with those who will make a better man of you; welcome those who you yourself can improve." — Seneca

He also warned about the danger of consuming too many voices indiscriminately:

"Be careful above all things to avoid a book that is a hodgepodge of many different authors... Restlessness of spirit is the mark of a sick mind." — Seneca

He was talking about books. But replace "book" with "social media feed" and it lands with the same force.

The point across all three of them is the same: there is a gap between the event and your judgment about it. That gap — however brief — is where wisdom lives. And the entire modern media ecosystem, from cable news to social algorithms, is engineered to collapse that gap to zero. To get you reacting before you're thinking.

The Stoic practice is an act of resistance against that. It's taking back the gap.

Misinformation

There one more thing worth pointing out: why misinformation works.

Conspiracy theories, and misinformation more broadly, are emotionally satisfying in ways that truth often isn't. They resolve chaos into order. They provide a villain — someone to blame. They offer community — fellow people who see what you see. And they deliver certainty — the comforting feeling that the confusing world suddenly makes sense.

Sitting with "I don't know" offers none of that. It's lonely. It's uncomfortable. It requires tolerating ambiguity without resolution.

That's not a cognitive failure. That's an emotional challenge. And meeting it honestly — choosing the harder, more uncertain path — is exactly what emotional courage looks like.

ACT 3 — THE PRACTICE

Okay. Let's make this concrete.

There are three things I want to give you today. A practice for curation, a red flag framework for evaluating content, and a way to think about who you actually trust.

Part One: Curate Actively

Most people are passive recipients of information. The algorithm decides what they see, and they scroll. But algorithms are trainable. They respond to what you engage with. Which means you can shape them intentionally.

Follow primary sources over commentators. Wherever possible, go to the scientist rather than the pundit summarizing the scientist. Go to the actual speech, the actual study, the actual document. Commentators have agendas — sometimes explicit, sometimes not. The closer you get to the source, the less filtering you're receiving.

That said — and this is important — even experts have to earn your assent. Having credentials doesn't mean someone is immune to incentive, bias, or being wrong. A credentialed source raises your floor. It doesn't end your critical thinking.

Part Two: The Red Flag Framework

Before you share something, believe something, or let something shape your view of the world — run it through these six questions.

1. What's the motive?

Who benefits if you believe this? Follow the incentive. This applies to media outlets, individual commentators, studies funded by industries, politicians making claims before elections. Motive doesn't automatically disqualify a source, but it's always worth knowing.

2. Is this a fact or an opinion?

This sounds obvious but it's constantly blurred. Watch for opinion stated with the confidence of fact. Watch for interpretations presented as conclusions. Ask: what is actually being claimed here, and what would it take to verify it?

3. Is it trying to make me feel before I think?

Emotional language, urgency, outrage, fear — these are persuasion tools. Sometimes they're legitimate. Often they're being used to rush your assent. If content is working hard to provoke a strong feeling before giving you anything to evaluate, slow down.

4. Look at the language and framing.

Here's an exercise worth trying: find two different outlets covering the exact same story and compare the headlines and word choices side by side. You'll see the bias immediately — not in what's reported, but in how it's framed. The words chosen to describe the same event reveal the perspective of the outlet. Neither version may be lying. Both are shaping.

5. Are they citing primary sources?

Are they linking to the actual study? Quoting the actual statement in context? Or are they summarizing someone else's summary of a summary? Every step away from the primary source is a step where distortion can enter.

6. Does this only confirm what I already believe?

This is the hardest one. If a source never surprises you, never challenges you, never makes you uncomfortable — that's not a sign you've found a trustworthy source. That's a sign you've found a comfortable one. And comfort and trustworthiness are not the same thing.

Part Three: Evaluating Who to Trust

We can't verify everything ourselves. There isn't time. So we delegate trust — we find people and institutions we believe are reliable and we lean on their judgment. That's not lazy, it's necessary. It's a cognitive shortcut that allows us to function.

But it has a serious failure mode: we think we're trusting experts. Often we're just trusting people who agree with us.

We follow the economist who confirms our politics. The doctor whose conclusions match what we hoped to hear. The commentator who articulates what we already feel. And we call that informed. It isn't — it's just confirmation bias with a credential attached.

So how do you actually evaluate whether someone is trustworthy? Here are some markers worth looking for.

They change their mind publicly — and explain why. This is rare and valuable. Someone who updates their position when evidence changes is demonstrating intellectual honesty. Someone who never changes their mind regardless of evidence is demonstrating something else.

They steelman opposing views before dismissing them. Can they articulate the strongest version of the argument they disagree with? If someone only ever presents the weakest version of the opposing view, be cautious.

They distinguish what they know from what they think. "The data shows X" is different from "I believe X." Trustworthy sources are careful about that line.

They're willing to say "I don't know." This is the most underrated quality in a source. Certainty is easy to perform. Epistemic honesty is harder.

Their track record is checkable. Have their past predictions or claims held up? You can actually look this up. It's worth doing occasionally.

And then the uncomfortable question you have to ask yourself: Am I following this person because they inform me — or because they comfort me?

That question is the whole practice in one sentence.

ACT 4 — Conclusion

Let me bring this back to where we started.

You're tired. The information environment is genuinely overwhelming, genuinely manipulative in places, and genuinely confusing. That's not in your head.

But here's what I want to leave you with: the goal is never certainty. Certainty isn't available. The world is too complex, too fast-moving, and too full of competing inte rests for any of us to have certainty about most things.

The goal is integrity of thought.

You cannot control what's true. You cannot control what gets published, what trends, what the algorithm decides to show you tomorrow. What you can control is your process — how carefully you receive information, how honestly you interrogate it, how willing you are to be wrong, and how deliberately you choose who to learn from.

That process — slow, humble, rigorous, and yes, courageous — is a Stoic practice. It's the discipline of assent applied to daily life. It's what Marcus was doing when he reminded himself to stay open to correction. It's what Epictetus meant when he taught his students to interrogate every impression before accepting it. It's what Seneca understood when he said to guard your mind like it matters — because it does.

And maybe most importantly: it takes more courage to sit with "I don't know" than to grab the nearest comfortable certainty. In a world that rewards hot takes and punishes nuance, choosing to think carefully is an act of character.

You don't need to know everything.

You just need to know how to think.

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How often do you put things off? Why do you put things off that you know you should do? Maybe waiting for circumstances to be just right before you make a change? In this week’s episode we’re going to dive a deeper into why put things off, and what you can do to build momentum, and move forward.

“It is not that we have a short space of time, but that we waste much of it. Life is long enough, and it has been given in sufficiently generous measure to allow the accomplishment of the very greatest things if the whole of it is well invested.”

― Seneca

Last week I had a Q & A episode, and one of the questions was about not taking action. I thought it was a great question, but I wanted to dive in a little deeper into it this week.

One of the things that we struggle with is putting things off. We know what we should do, but sometimes we have hard time getting ourselves to do them. Maybe it’s habit that we want to start or one we want to stop. It could be a creative project that we spend a lot of time “researching” but never seem to get started. Maybe it’s a hard conversation that we need to have, but keep putting off.

We have good intentions, but even with those good intentions we avoid taking action. What makes it even harder is that we don’t struggle like this with everything. There are things that easily capture our interest and we happily and enthusiastically do them. We’re successful in some areas, so why do we struggle to get started in other areas?

In this episode we’re going to dive into why we put things off, and what we can do to get momentum to move us forward.

Act 1: The Problem

Most people assume that it’s a motivation problem. That we just don’t have enough willpower or discipline to start what we know we should. We beat ourselves up over it, telling ourselves that we’re lazy, not motivated enough, or that we should just try harder.

But that framing is simply wrong. This type of framing leads to a shame spiral which makes it even worse. It’s like a double whammy—you don’t accomplish what you want, then you feel even worse for not doing it. To be clear, this is not a character flaw. Getting ourselves to take action is something that isn’t new to our modern era. It’s such a part of human nature that philosophers have been wresting with understanding this for 2500 years.

The ancient Greeks had a word for this: akrasia. It roughly translates to acting against your better judgment — knowing the right thing to do and doing something else instead. Or nothing at all.

The author Steven Pressfield calls this Resistance—the force that gets in the way when we want to do something that is important to us. I love how he describes it:

“Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work. It will perjure, fabricate; it will seduce you. Resistance is always lying and always full of shit.”

Even the philosophers argued about why we failed to act in our own best interest. Socrates believed that a person, with enough knowledge would always choose to do the right thing. Aristotle found this idea troubling because it violated reason—why someone with knowledge still work against themselves?

It’s a question that doesn’t have an easy answer.

Even Marcus Aurelius, the most powerful man in the world at his time, and a life long student of philosophy still struggled with this. He had to remind himself to get out of bed in the morning:

"At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for?" — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.1

He was fighting some of the same battle we still fight today, and had to talk himself into doing what he knew was the right thing to do.

Akrasia doesn't discriminate. It visits everyone. The question is what we do when it shows up.

Act 2: The Philosophy

The Stoic Diagnosis

Here's where the Stoics cut to the chase. They held a position that, at first, sounds almost too clean: if you truly and fully judge an action to be good, you will do it. If you don't do it, that tells you something. It tells you that you don't actually believe what you think you believe. Not fully. Something else is winning underneath the surface — some competing impression or belief that's being treated, in that moment, as more real.

So the Stoic diagnosis of procrastination isn't “you're weak.” It's something more precise: you are holding a false impression, and you haven't examined it.

That's a different kind of problem. And it requires a different kind of solution.

The Hidden Trade-Off

Here's what I've come to believe, drawing both on Stoic philosophy and on modern psychology: procrastination is always a hidden trade-off. We're not avoiding the task — we're avoiding the feeling the task brings up.

Psychologist Tim Pychyl, who has spent decades researching this, frames procrastination not as a time management failure but as an emotion regulation problem. We put things off to avoid the emotions those things trigger. Fear of failure. Fear of judgment. The discomfort of difficulty. The anxiety of beginning something we're not sure we can finish.

And in the moment of avoidance, we make a trade: short-term emotional relief now, for long-term cost later. We choose the comfort of not starting over the discomfort of beginning. And we dress that choice up in rational language:

"I'm not ready."

"I need more information."

"I'll do it when I have more energy."

Strip those away and what you usually find underneath is fear. That's the competing belief that's winning. Not laziness. Fear.

The Disguises

Akrasia is a shape-shifter. It rarely shows up wearing its own face. Here are the most common disguises I've seen—in my clients, in myself, and I suspect, in you.

It shows up as perfectionism. We tell ourselves, “I’ll start when I can do it right.” The hidden belief here is that imperfect action is the same as failure—so we protect ourselves from failure by never starting.

Sometimes it shows up as over-preparation. Endless research, planning, optimizing—everything except doing. This one is insidious because it feels productive. You're technically working on the thing. But you're circling it instead of landing.

It even disguises itself as productive procrastination. You stay busy with smaller, easier tasks so that you feel like you're making progress while the important thing remains untouched.

All of these are about waiting—for inspiration, for motivation, for conditions to be right.

In Stoic terms, all of these are a failure to examine the impression driving the behavior. Carl Jung, writing from a completely different tradition, captured the same idea:

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." — Carl Jung

The false belief driving avoidance is usually unconscious. We don't experience it as a belief — we experience it as reality. As just the way things are. The Stoic practice of examining impressions is, in this sense, the same work as making the unconscious conscious.

Seneca even wrote a whole treatise on it called On the Shortness of Life.

“Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow, and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.”

There's a fiction we tell ourselves — that there is a future version of us who will do this. Better rested. More inspired. Less busy. More ready. Shoving everything off to the future and loading all those things onto someone else—our future self. Seneca is saying: that person is not coming. The key to getting things done is not having the right circumstances, not when we’re better or stronger. It’s consistency, now. It’s doing even just one step today rather than waiting until tomorrow.

Marcus Aurelius echoed this idea, writing:

"Do not act as if you had a thousand years to live... while you have it in your power, while you still may, make yourself good." — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.17

This isn't meant to be anxiety-inducing. It's meant to be clarifying. The urgency of life, held clearly, is a gift, not a threat.

Act 3 — The Practice

This Is Not a Willpower Problem

I want to be clear about something before we get into some of the practices you can use. If your approach to procrastination is to grit your teeth and force yourself, that strategy will eventually fail. Not because you're weak. Because willpower treats the symptom, not the cause.

You can white-knuckle through the task this time. But the underlying impression — the fear, the false belief — is still there. It will show up again tomorrow, and the day after. The Stoic approach is more surgical: don't override the impression. Examine it.

The Core Practice: Examine the Impression

When you notice yourself avoiding something, pause. Don't shame yourself for avoiding it — that only makes it worse, and Brené Brown's research on shame confirms what the Stoics already understood: shame doesn't produce change.

She wrote:

"Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change."

Rather motivating us forward, it produces more avoidance.

So how can we combat the tendency to shame ourselves for not acting?

Instead, we can get curious. Ask yourself:

“What am I actually afraid will happen if I start this?”

“Is that fear true? Or is it an impression I've accepted without questioning?”

“What do I actually believe about this task — not what I say I believe?”

Now remember, this is self-investigation, not self-criticism. The Stoic doesn't stand over themselves with a whip. They stand over themselves with a lamp. They look at things objectively, withholding judgment so they can see things as they are.

When you find the fear — and you usually will find a fear — you can look at through the lens of the Dichotomy of Control: separate what is in your control from what is not.

First off, is the outcome of this task in your control?

No.

What is under your control is your effort. Your honesty. Your willingness to begin is.

Action Precedes Motivation

Here's an important reversal that makes a big difference. We have the relationship between action and motivation backwards. We wait to feel ready, and then we'll act. But readiness, motivation, comes from acting — not before it.

The Stoics captured this in the concept of kathêkon — appropriate action, taken now, in the present moment. Not when conditions are perfect. Not when we feel inspired. Now. The discipline isn't in feeling ready. It's in beginning anyway.

And the remarkable thing is that once you begin — once you take even a small, imperfect step — the emotional resistance usually drops. Not always. But often. Because the task, once you're inside it, is almost never as threatening as the story you built around it.

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task." — William James

The thing you're dreading costs you energy every single day you don't do it. The mental overhead of carrying it. The low-grade guilt. The way it sits in the back of your mind. Starting — even imperfectly — often costs less than continuing to avoid.

A Small, Practical Anchor

When the task feels overwhelming, when the gap between where you are and where you need to be feels too wide — don't try to cross it in one leap. Just take the next action. Not 'finish the project.' Just: open the document. Send the first message. Make the one call. Set the one thing in motion.

"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens." — Epictetus

What is in your power, right now, is the next small action. That's all Stoicism asks of you. Not perfection. Not the whole mountain at once. The next step.

Remember, those obstacles are the things that teach how to overcome the obstacle. You don’t get better at it by putting it off or avoiding them. You get better by trying, failing, and learning. Then trying again. And again.

And the thing is, when you learn how to do something when circumstances aren’t ideal, think how much better you’ll be when you have been slogging away and circumstances do move in your favor. If you can stick to it when it’s hard, then you’ll sail even faster when the wind is in your favor!

Act 4: Conclusion

The Emotional Courage Reframe

I want to bring this home to something that sits at the heart of this podcast, because I think it reframes everything we've talked about today.

Addressing akrasia — facing the thing you've been avoiding — isn't about force. It isn't about suppressing the fear and pushing through. That's not Stoicism.

Real Stoic practice requires a specific kind of courage. The courage to sit with the feeling you've been avoiding. To look at it directly. To ask what it actually is — not what it's pretending to be. And then to choose to act in spite of it, not in denial of it.

That's emotional courage. Not the absence of fear. The willingness to examine it, name it honestly, and move anyway. Over time you’ll see that the discomfort of starting becomes less than the fear of failure. You’ll take action, even in the face of uncertainty.

Marcus Aurelius had to do this every morning. Seneca wrote about it constantly. Epictetus built his entire teaching around it. The Stoics weren't people who had transcended difficulty — they were people who had developed a practice for facing it. That distinction matters.

Closing Thought

There is something you have been putting off. You know what it is. Maybe it's been sitting with you for days, or weeks, or longer.

The Stoic invitation today is not to force yourself. It's to get curious. To look at the impression underneath the avoidance and ask whether it's true. To separate what you actually control from what you're afraid of losing control over.

And then — when you've looked at it clearly — to take the next small step. Not the whole thing. Just the next step.

"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." — Seneca

The thing you've been putting off doesn't need a better version of you. It needs the version of you that exists right now — willing to begin.

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How do you stop worrying about what others think of you? Is worrying ever useful? Can Stoics be ambitious? How can I actually do what I know I should?

In this week's episode I answer some of your questions through the lens of Stoicism.

"It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."

— Marcus Aurelius

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What if the thing you've been quietly doing your whole life — the thing that feels almost too easy to count — is actually your greatest gift to the world?

And what is it costing you to keep holding it back?

"If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible. Don't hoard it. Don't dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke."

— Brendan Francis

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How do you get back up when too many things in life hit you all at once? How do you get your momentum back when it feels like every step is like wading through molasses? Today I want to talk about how Stoicism and friendship can find your balance and get moving again when life knocks you off your feet.

When you have been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to yourself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts.
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VI.11

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How do you make a decision when all the choices in front of you feel like bad ones? Today I want talk about how Stoicism can help us take action when faced with impossible choices.

“What should we have ready at hand in a situation like this? The knowledge of what is mine and what is not mine, what I can and cannot do.”

— Epictetus, Discourses I, 1.21

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Is Stoicism all about being strong and serious? Is it too pessimistic and always looking for where things can go wrong, where the next challenge or struggle is? Today I want to talk about the softer side of Stoicism, and how many of the tools the Stoics teach us can actually lead us to joy.

“To live happily is an inward power of the soul.”

— Marcus Aurelius

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Why does virtue matter in leadership? What happens to a community, a city, a country when there is lack of virtue in leadership? In this episode we’re going to discuss power, leadership, and why virtue matters.

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

— Abraham Lincoln

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Why is it important to resist and stand up against injustice? What happens when we don’t stand up to injustice? Today we'll explore why virtue is necessary, what the Stoics taught about resistance, and how to actually practice moral courage in your daily life.

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.6

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Are you living the life you want? Are you waiting for something to happen to push you into becoming the hero of your own story? In this episode I want to talk about why we fear stepping into greatness, and how you can be your own hero.

“Every difficulty in life presents us with an opportunity to turn inward and to invoke our own submerged inner resources. The trials we endure can and should introduce us to our strengths...Dig deeply. You possess strengths you might not realize you have. Find the right one. Use it.”

— Epictetus

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Do you approach a problem from only one perspective? Are there ways that you could expand your understanding and incorporate different perspectives? Today I want to talk about the power of multi-perspective thinking and how it can help you dig deeper into challenges in your life.

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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Can you stay calm in the storm? Or do you let your emotions cloud your judgment, leading to poor decisions? Today I want to talk about the Stoic concept of ataraxia and how it can help you be more mentally tough.

“Don't hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace.”

— Epictetus, Enchiridion 8

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At the end of the year is always a good time to step back and think about the year to come. Maybe you have some goals that you want to accomplish. Maybe get in better shape and eat better or pick up a new skill. But have you thought about what kind of attributes you want in the next year? In this episode I give you some words of advice of how to approach the new year.

“Things do not touch the soul, for they are external and remain immovable; so our perturbations come only from our inner opinions."

—Marcus Aurelius

Meditations IV.3

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What do you believe about yourself? Do you have beliefs that keep from stepping into your true self? Today I want to talk about self-beliefs and how the ideas that we hold about ourselves might just be your biggest obstacle to becoming who you want to be.

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

— Lao Tzu

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Love is the greatest thing in the world. We're all trying to build relationships that enrich our lives. But can Stoicism help us love better? Today I want to talk about how Stoicism can help you be a more loving person.

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." —Marcus Aurelius

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What do you invest your attention in? Are you investing in things that enrich your life or keep you distracted? Today I want to talk about the importance of attention and what it’s costing you.

“You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last.”

—Seneca

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In this week's episode I answer questions from my listeners. I give my thoughts on practicing temperance in everyday life, practicing self-forgiveness, and how to deal with the chaos in the world.

As always, please feel free to let me know of questions or topics you'd like me to answer in future episodes.

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Anger is a powerful force in the world, but the effects of anger often cause greater harm than the cause of it. Many see anger as a necessary emotion for human survival, but the Stoics warned us against anger, calling it a "temporary madness".

In my personal life, anger has been a recurring theme since childhood. I've worked hard to overcome the trauma from childhood, as well as my own anger, having been caught up in that temporary madness more times than I'd like to admit.

But is anger necessary? Is anger an emotion or a reaction to something deeper?

As we see more and more outrage online and in person, I wanted to talk with Donald Robertson about anger and see if we could open my perspective on anger, and see if I could get a better understanding of the root of anger, and how we might be able to make the world a little less angry.

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What do you value in this life? Maybe your home? Your job? Your family? But do you value yourself? Today I want to talk about the importance of self-value and how Stoicism can help you find the treasure within.

"Do not degrade your own soul; it will soon be out of your power to bring it to honor. The life of each of us is but a moment, and this one is almost finished, and yet you do not respect yourself."

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.6

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Have you ever wondered about how your emotional well being is connected to your body? In this week's episode, I interview therapist and host of the Stuck Not Broken podcast, Justin Senseri about polyvagal theory and how it inter-relates to Stoicism.

Justin Sunseri is a therapist and coach who thinks the world needs a new understanding of mental health - one that's simplified, easily accessible for anyone, and doesn't rely on abstract psychobabble or woo-woo.

You can check out Justin's podcast here: Stuck Not Broken

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What does it mean to be a man? How do our perceptions and ideas about masculinity hinder men from living full and happy lives? Today we’re going to dive into how Stoicism can help us develop a more healthy definition of masculinity.

"We teach boys that being vulnerable is being weak. And then we wonder why men die of loneliness surrounded by people."

—Terry Real

Feeling Wheel - This is a great interactive app!

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This week's episode is an interview with Dr. Scott Waltman PsyD. Dr. Scott Waltman, PsyD, ABPP, is a clinician, international trainer, and practice-based researcher. His interests include evidence-based psychotherapy practice, training, and implementation in systems that provide care to underserved populations. He is president-elect of both the Academy of Cognitive & Behavioral Therapies and the International Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. He is board certified in Behavioral and Cognitive Psychology from the American Board of Professional Psychology. Dr. Waltman, worked as a CBT trainer for one of Dr. Aaron Beck’s CBT implementation teams in the Philadelphia public mental health system. He is a practicing Stoic and the first author of The Stoicism Workbook: How the Wisdom of Socrates Can Help You Build Resilience and Overcome Anything Life Throws at You

I hope you enjoy this interesting conversation!

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The Stoics talk a lot about virtue as the sole good. Now what do they mean by virtue and why did they think that it was so important? In this week's episode, I'm reading another chapter from my book, Stoicism 101.

“Of things some are good, some are bad, and others are indifferent. The good then are the virtues and the things which partake of the virtues: the bad are the vices, and the things which partake of them; and the indifferent are the things which lie between the virtues and the vices: wealth, health, life, death, pleasure, pain.”

—Epictetus

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Do you have good habits? Do you have some you’d rather get rid of? What if I told you that by developing one key skill, you’ll be able to adopt better habits and let go of unhelpful ones? In this weeks episode we’re going to talk about the one “meta-habit” you need to develop in order to make real changes in your life.

The Meta-Habit: The One Skill For Building Better Habits

"I will form good habits and become their slave." —Og Mandino

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Have you ever found yourself stuck in a way of thinking that you knew deep down wasn’t serving you? Maybe it was an assumption about someone, a stubborn belief, or an emotional reaction. The good news is that our minds are built for self-correction—if we know how to use them.

“If anyone can prove and show to me that I think and act in error, I will gladly change it—for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed.” — Marcus Aurelius (Meditations, 6.21)

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Do you ever feel like life is happening to you, and that you’re at the whim of circumstances? What would it feel like if you could take what life hands you and say, “Thank you sir! May I have another?” In this week’s episode I’m going to be reading another chapter from my book, Stoicism 101, where I write about dealing with external events.

“Look within, for within is the wellspring of virtue, which will not cease flowing, if you cease not from digging.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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Have you ever had put a dream to the side? What if that dream was the key to finding the thing that fulfilled you as a person? In this week's episode I interview author and speed racer, Louisa Swaden, about Stoicism, racing motorcycles, and how it's never too late to chase your dreams.

You can find out more about Louisa and her book The Stoic Rider at http://www.existentialbiker.com

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Are you mentally tough? Are you able to take what life dishes out and keep smiling? Today I want to talk about mental toughness and how you can develop the right kind of toughness while being flexible to life changes.

“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.”

—Seneca

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Do you ever feel like you’re stuck? Like things aren’t going bad but aren’t moving in the right direction either? Today I want to talk about being stuck and what to do to get things moving in the right direction.

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”

—Epictetus Discourses, 3.23

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This week's episode is a chapter from my book, Stoicism 101. It's the chapter about Seneca the Younger, one of the most famous Stoic philosophers and writers.  Seneca is remembered as one of the most popular stoic philosophers, partly because a lot of his writings survived and were passed through antiquity. But how much do you know about Seneca? Well, in this episode, you're going to learn some more about this colorful and interesting man and his lasting influence on stoicism.

“Men do not care how nobly they live, but only for how long, although it is within the reach of every man to live nobly, but within no man’s power to live long.”

—Seneca

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This week I dive into philosophy, life, music, and addiction with my friend Derrick Zaworski. Derrick is a music producer and owner of Road Tripping Records. Derrick and I have been friends for several years and we've always enjoyed deep and interesting conversations, so I thought it would be worthwhile to get one of those conversations on record. I hope you enjoy!

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Do you ever think about your future self? How would your choices in the present change if you took the time to consider those choices would impact future you? Today I want to talk about the power of getting to know the future you.

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” — Epictetus

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Do we have free will or are we destined to our fate? Do the Stoics believe that we have free will or are our lives pre-determined? Does is matter? Today I’m going to talk about the Stoic ideas behind free will and fate, and how it does or doesn’t impact our lives.

“Lead me, Fate, wherever you will, and I will cheerfully follow. For even if I kick and wail, all the same I must follow.” —Cleanthes

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What if I told you that the thing you’re avoiding… is exactly the thing you need most? Today we’re going about why comfort might be the biggest lie we believe, and how leaning into resistance can actually be the path to everything you want.

“The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort.”

― Confucius

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In this week's episode, I take some time to answer a few questions:
- What should I do when someone criticizes me and I know they’re right?
- How do I know if I’m actually making progress in my personal growth—or just spinning my wheels?
- What would Marcus Aurelius say about social media?
- What’s one way I secretly avoid discomfort—even though I talk about embracing it?

“Or is it your reputation that's bothering you? But look at how soon we're all forgotten. The abyss of endless time that swallows it all. The emptiness of those applauding hands. The people who praise us; how capricious they are, how arbitrary. And the tiny region it takes place. The whole earth a point in space - and most of it uninhabited.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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Empathy has been called everything from a virtue to a weakness to a sin. But in an age of outrage, is empathy a liability? Or is it the very thing we need to preserve civilization? In this week's episode I talk about the importance of empathy and why we need more, not less empathy in the world.

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.”

—Seneca

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The Stoics place a premium on rationality and objectivity to help manage our emotions. But how do we develop that objectivity? Why should we practice become more objective? In this week’s episode we’re going to dive into those questions and talk about how you can be more objective.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Stephen R. Covey

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What if your biggest obstacle in life isn’t a lack of knowledge, but something else? What if this one attribute is the one thing that can help you truly excel in life? In this episode, I want discuss what I think is the greatest attribute that any person should have who wants improve themselves and how to develop it.

“I’m am neither clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” —Albert Einstein

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How often to you spend time worrying about everything that is happening in the world? How can you create more joy into your life? Can a Stoic be happy and joyful? Today I want to talk about Stoicism and joy.

“A cheerful disposition and serenity of mind are not the result of luck but of wisdom.” — Seneca

(Here's the link to the sunshine video!)

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In times of political division, it’s easy to be swept away by anger, resentment, and fear. But what does that accomplish? Does your anger towards those that disagree with you help yourself or the world? In this episode I want to talk about the importance of maintaining your Stoic principles in times of turmoil.

“The essence of good and evil consists in the condition of our character. And externals are the means by which our character finds its particular good and evil.”

—Epictetus

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Stoicism is a very personal and practical philosophy. But what would a company look like that implemented some of the ideas from Stoic philosophy? In this episode, I interview Geoff Roberts the CEO of Outseta. Many of the operating principles run counterintuitive to the conventional wisdom of how most companies are managed, and they've been quite successful. While Geoff isn't a deliberate Stoic, Outseta operates incorporates a lot of Stoic ideals which leads to a healthier work culture built on trust, transparency, and working towards the common good of all the employees.

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Are you happy? Do you struggle when life doesn’t go the way you want? Today I want to talk about why we as humans are great at making ourselves unhappy, and some ideas the Stoics gave us to make our lives better.

“Man is not disturbed by things, but by the views he takes of them.”

— Epictetus

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This weeks episode is an interview with Dr. Erik Fisher. Erik is the host of the Emotional Algebra podcast, and works with patients and clients to manage their emotions in a way that is very similar to Stoicism. We had a great and wide ranging conversation about emotions, trauma, and how become more emotionally resilient.

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Are you confused about the different teachings of Stoicism you find on the internet? Would the Stoics advocate for the “hyper-masculine” culture that uses Stoicism to support some approaches to stress, dating, and how to treat others? Today I want to talk about how Stoicism can be misused, and clear up some of the misconceptions of Stoicism been propagated by what some have called “Broicism”.

“The lamp of wisdom shines brightest when lit by the flame of self-awareness.”

― Musonius Rufus

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Are you worried about finances? Do you struggle when you have a political conversation with somebody and it becomes heated? Do you worry about failing at life? Well, these are three questions that I'm going to answer today in another Q& A episode.

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” — Will Rogers

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Self-made success, individual freedom, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps—these ideas have become the cornerstone of many modern cultures, especially in the West. But is this individualistic mindset really working for us? Today, we’re taking a look at why excessive individualism can be harmful, how it isolates us, and what Stoicism has to say about our interconnectedness and shared humanity.

“The wise man will never shut himself up within his own skin; he remembers that he is born for the good of all mankind.”

—Seneca

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We all suffer heartbreak from time to time. It’s an inevitable part of life with other people. So how can we use Stoicism to help us move past a broken heart? Today, we’re going to discuss how this ancient philosophy has some great tools to mend and move forward.

”There can be no doubt that the desire lovers have for each other is not so very different from friendship - you might say it was friendship gone mad.”

—Seneca

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As the new year begins, there is always a push to make resolutions and plans. Do you know what you want to accomplish next year? Do you have goals that you want to pursue? How do you plan on accomplishing them? Today I want to talk about some ideas about how you can more successful in achieving the things you want.

”Life is long if you know how to use it.”

—Seneca

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Imagine a bowl, cracked and seemingly useless. Most of us would toss it out. But what if, instead, those cracks were mended with gold, transforming the broken object into something even more beautiful than before? This is the art of kintsugi, a Japanese philosophy that teaches us how to embrace flaws and failures as opportunities for growth and transformation. Today, we’ll explore how this perspective aligns with Stoicism and how it can help us turn failure and loss into resilience and strength.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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Have you ever tried to change someone’s mind, only to find them doubling down on their belief instead? Or maybe you’ve felt your own defenses rise when someone challenges your deeply held views? That’s the backfire effect in action—a cognitive bias where contradictory evidence only strengthens someone’s existing beliefs. Today, we’ll explore how Stoicism can help us recognize and mitigate this bias, both in ourselves and others.

"A man who is not afraid of the truth need never fear lies."

—Seneca

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Do you see your emotions as something that get in the way? What if you had no emotions or ignored you emotions, do you think that you would make better choices? In this weeks episode I want to discuss how emotions are guides rather than enemies, and how emotions are the key to help us make better decisions.

“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”

— Rumi

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Have you ever wanted to think like Socrates? Well you're in luck! This week's episode is an interview with Donald J. Robertson and we're talking about his new book, How to Think Like Socrates. We talk about the way that Socrates uses questions and critical thinking to overcome our own biases and logical fallacies, and how you can apply those to your life.

Donald is a licensed Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and author of several books including How to Think Like a Roman Emperor. Join me in this wide ranging conversation about how philosophy can you improve your thinking and mental health.

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Do you struggle in getting started with achieving your goals? Do you get overwhelmed and quit before you even start? In this week’s episode I want to talk about how you can change your mindset to help you work through the blocks that are keeping you from living the kind of life you want.

“The important thing about a problem is not its solution, but the strength we gain in finding the solution.”

—Seneca

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This weeks episode is another Q & A episode. I answer a few questions from listener about self gaslighting, romantic relationships, communicating with others, and applying amor fati in my own life. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer in future episodes drop me a note or a comment on social media and maybe I'll feature it in an upcoming episode.

Thanks!

"If we try to adapt our mind to the regular sequence of changes and accept the inevitable with good grace, our life will proceed quite smoothly and harmoniously."
—Epictetus

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Do you struggle with mental health issues? Does depression seem like something that you can't shake? In this episode, I want to talk about some of the tools of stoicism, as well as some other tools that can help you build a stronger foundation to weather the dark times

"The lamp of wisdom shines brightest when lit by the flame of self awareness,"

—Musonius Rufus

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Do you want to be unconquerable? Do you want to live to the fullest of your potential? This week’s episode is part 2 of How to Be Unconquerable: Stoic Principles for Living Your Best Life.

“Adopt new habits yourself: consolidate your principles by putting them into practice.”

—Epictetus

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Are you living the kind of life you want? Do you know what’s stopping you? What if could become the kind of person you want to be? In this weeks episode I dive into 5 of my 10 principles for living your best life.

“It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable.”

—Seneca

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Do you feel like you're truly in charge of your emotions? It’s a question that can catch even the most reflective among us off-guard. Often, we feel as if our emotions are these wild, untamable forces that arise without our consent. We fear that adopting something like Stoicism might strip away the intensity of those feelings, leaving us like empty shells. But what if getting a handle on our emotions could help us experience them more deeply, rather than less?

“The only journey is the one within.”

—Rainer Maria Rilke

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Do you have to plan things? At work? In life? Often we hear about how we need to take action quickly, but in this episode I want to talk about how taking your time can save you a lot of time, stress, and even money.

“Patience is the companion of wisdom.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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This weeks episode is another Q & A. I took some questions that I get in daily life, such as why I practice Stoicism as my guiding principles in life. I also talk about dealing with narcissists, acceptance of others, and how to have more agency in your life. If you'd like to ask me a question, just comment or send me a DM on social media at one of the links below!

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This weeks episode is an interview with one of my listeners, Sean Sarazan. Sean has a unique story about how he has put Stoicism into action. After decades of dealing with a recurring health issue, he made the dramatic decision to have his leg amputated. For many this decision would be devastating, but Sean, a practicing Stoic, was well prepared to deal with the changes and has found strength in facing the challenge. Join me as we talk about how he prepared for this decision and how he came out the other side.

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Do you feel connected to the people around you? Do you struggle to get close to those you care about? In this episode I want to discuss how Stoicism can help you develop deeper and more connected relationships with the people in your life.

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.”

—Seneca

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In this week episode I had an engaging and wide ranging conversation with J.R. Martinez. J.R. is a motivational speaker, actor, and entertainer. J.R is also an Iraqi war veteran, who suffered from injuries from a roadside bomb burning over 40% of his body with significant scarring on his face and head. The road to recovery was long and challenging, but J.R. took the lessons he learned and turned them to his advantage. He auditioned for All My Children for a small role that later expanded into a 3 year stint. In 2011 he went on Dancing with the Stars and ended up winning the top trophy that year. He has spoken to audiences all over the world with his story of perseverance and how to turned challenges into opportunities for growth.

You can find more about J.R. Martinez at https://jrmartinez.com

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Do you struggle with confirmation bias? Do you even know what confirmation bias is? In this episode I want to delve into the concept of confirmation bias and how what you already know and believe can influence you to make poor decisions.

“The first rule is not to get fooled, and you are the easiest person to fool.”

—Richard Feynman

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Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you often feel overwhelmed by the complexity of life? In this episode I want to talk about anxiety and how Stoicism can help us understand and deal with it, helping us to live a more relaxed and enjoyable life.

“Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions—not outside.”
— Marcus Aurelius

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This week's episode is an interview with author and human behavior expert Dr. John Demartini. We had a fascinating conversation about metaphysics, panpsychism, embracing opposites and more. I hope you enjoy this conversation!

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This week I have my friend Sam Bennett on my podcast. Sam is the author of several books on creativity and productivity, and has just released her third book The 15 Minute Method: The Surprisingly Simple Art of Getting It Done. We had a great conversation on how to get your ideas into action, facing imposter syndrome, and Sam's plan of world domination. You can find out more about same at therealsambennett.com. I hope you enjoy this fun and wide ranging conversation.

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This weeks episode is a question and answer episode. I'm just getting over Covid, and as much as I'd like to have written another episode, I've been absolutely exhausted. So I gathered some questions from my listeners and did my best to answer them from a Stoic perspective. Please feel free to post any questions you might have to any of my social media accounts or in the comments section on youtube for this video.

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This weeks episode is an interview with Stoic author and investor, Darius Foroux. His upcoming book, The Stoic Path to Wealth, is all about investing and using Stoic principles to develop a bulletproof mindset when investing. He gives practical and low stress ideas about what you can do to build wealth over the long term while managing anxiety about your money.

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Do you struggle with anger? Why do you think you get angry? What can you do to manage your anger better? ln this episode I talk about how Stoicism can help you to get a grip on your anger, and lead a more peaceful life.

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?”

—Rumi

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Being a father is a challenge, but Stoicism is a remarkable framework that we can lean upon to face the obstacles of fatherhood, and raise good kids.

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

— Marcus Aurelius

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This week I sit down and answer listener questions. I talk about how to apply Stoicism on morning routines, what mantras I use in my life to help keep me in the right mindset, how to detach from abusive people, and advice for managing a quarter life crisis.

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Do you have close friends? Are you a good friend? In this episode I talk about the importance of friendship and how Stoicism can help you be a better friend.
"Associate with those who will make a better man of you. Welcome those whom you yourself can improve."
—Seneca

Check out this great video of Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman interviewing each other. It's fantastic! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S99iQH2Rvg

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Do you suffer from imposter syndrome? Do you often feel like you’re just faking your way through life? Today I want to talk about how Stoicism can help you overcome imposter syndrome and live a more authentic life.

“Failure to observe what is in the mind of another has seldom made a man unhappy; but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must of necessity be unhappy.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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Do you struggle because you can’t handle when things don’t go according to plan? Today I want to talk about how having a plan is important, but having an inner compass to guide you can help you be more adaptable, make decisions under uncertainty, and forge a path when things don’t work out as planned.

“What then can guide a man? One thing and only one, philosophy. But this consists in keeping the soul within a man free from violence and unharmed, superior to pains and pleasures, doing nothing without a purpose, nor yet falsely and with hypocrisy.”

—Marcus Aurelius

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Do you ask questions? And what I mean by that is, do you go into conversation or arguments thinking you already know everything? Today I want to talk about the importance of staying curious and how to ask useful questions.

“He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.”

—John Stuart Mill

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This week'e episode is a bit different. Usually I write up my episodes so I dig deep and give you something really helpful. This week, it's just me and the mic talking about how sometimes people act in ways that are frustrating. They lie, cheat, even steal from you. I talk about how I'm dealing with that in my life at the moment and how I'm using Stoicism to act with integrity, and not let someone else control how I behave, or how I feel.

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Does it often feel like leaders, both in our work places and in politics, seem to be lacking? Have you ever had the good fortune of working with a great leader? Today I want to talk about the leadership style of Marcus Aurelius, and what we can learn from one of the greatest and most principled leaders of all time.

"What we do now echoes in eternity."

—Marcus Aurelius

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Does the world seem more divided and angry? Does it feel like it’s hard to trust others in our society? Today I want to talk about how the small things we do can have a bigger impact than you think.

"Kindness is mankind's greatest delight."

— Marcus Aurelius

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Are you aware of how your perspective influences how you see reality? Today I want to talk about how the Stoics teach us that our perspective shapes our reality.“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.— Anias Nin

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In this episode I sit down and talk with comedian and comedy writer Ori Halevy. Ori, originally from Israel, is prominent in the large English speaking comedy in Berlin. We had a fun conversation talking about philosophy, comedy, anxiety, and why you need to laugh at life. You can find him on instagram at https://instgram.com/orihalevy_bigoldjew and https://instagram.com/epicomedyberlinA transcript of the audio will be posted on the podcast website at https://stoic.coffee/blog/292-interview-with-ori-halevy/

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Do you think that you have strengths and weaknesses? What if I told you that you don’t? Today I want to talk about how strengths and weaknesses are all a matter of perspective and context."Strive for excellence, not perfection, because we often find excellence in our imperfections." —Harriet BraikerVisit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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Do you think that Stoics are too serious and all business? Do you think that if you adopt Stoic principles that you can’t have fun? Today I want to talk about humor and some of the misconceptions of Stoicism.“It’s better for us to laugh at life than to cry over it.”— SenecaVisit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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This week's episode is an interview with Mark Tuitert, an Olympic gold medalist speed skater and Stoic author. We sat down in his home outside of Amsterdam and had a wonderful conversation about discipline, handling stress, forgiving parents, and about his new book The Stoic Mindset. I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed the conversation. You can find out more about Mark Tuitert at https://marktuitert.nlVisit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”— Marcus AureliusAre you new to Stoicism and want to know where to get started in learning about it and how to apply it in your life? Then this episode is for you. One of the things that I appreciate about Stoicism is that it’s very practical philosophy, and there are a lot of ideas and principles that have stood the test of time because they work in helping you live a good life. There are also misconceptions about what stoicism is and what it isn’t so today I’m going to walk you through the basics of what stoicism is, and how you can start applying it in your life immediately.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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This week's episode is an interview with Constantin Morin, from the Unleash Thyself podcast. Constantin and I had a great conversation a couple of weeks ago and he's just a really warm and very insightful guy and I really enjoyed the conversation with him. I really appreciate his insights into developing the type of person that you want to become and getting over those internal blocks that keep you from reaching your full potential. I hope you enjoy this wide ranging conversation.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying is not of importance, it lasts so short a time." — Samuel JohnsonHow often do you think about your death? Do you go through your life just ignoring it and thinking that it’s always a long way off? Today I want to talk about why considering your death each day can make your life richer, fuller, and happier.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will—then your life will flow well."— EpictetusOne of the key aspects of stoicism is to be content with what we have. So how does this balance with ambition? If you are content, does that mean that you shouldn’t be striving to accomplish your goals? Today I want to talk about how stoicism can help you accomplish your goals while still finding contentment in your daily life.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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This week's episode is going to be a little bit different. I've been traveling quite a bit. I am now in Amsterdam. And so I put a post out on social media a couple of weeks ago. I guess about a week or so ago, that I'm going to do a question and answer episode. This is the first time I've done this, but I thought it might be interesting to give it a go. I had some people on social media ask me some questions, I also asked some of my friends for their questions about Stoicism and just kind of about life and philosophy in general, and we'll see how this goes.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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This weeks episode is an interview with Gavan Wilhite. Gavan has been an entrepreneur for over a decade and has had a few successes and a few misses. His most successful exit was when his company AltSpaceVR was purchased by Microsoft. We discuss how to use stoicism in entrepreneurship and person life to manage emotions, take risks and follow your personal principles. I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I enjoyed making it. You can find more information on Gavan at https://wilhite.ioVisit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"Everything is in a state of flux, and nothing remains the same. So be prepared for change, and embrace it as a natural part of life." — Marcus AureliusFar too often we’re focused on the things that change in this world and in our lives. But what are the things that don’t change? Today I want to talk about things we can build on that can help us through the ever flowing tide of changes that happen in our lives.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“If you are tired, rest. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you have been working hard and need to recharge.” — EpictetusWhat do you think of when you hear the term “self-care”? Do you think of indulgences like triple chocolate ice cream or a bottle of wine? When you think of self-discipline, do you think of depriving yourself of the things you enjoy? Today I want dig a little deeper and think about what self-care really means and why it’s important for us to take time out and pay some attention to ourselves.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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Ryan Bush is the author of Designing the Mind and Become Who You Are. We sat down and had an interesting conversation about a understanding self esteem and the positive case for depression.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”— Marcus AureliusCan you hold beliefs that are not true, but are useful? know that I talk a lot on here about trying to get as close to the truth as possible. But are there times when it is useful to believe something even if you’re not sure of it yourself?Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.”— Noel CowardDo you lie? Do you believe that everyone lies? Why are some lies acceptable? Why should we allow people to lie without repercussions? Today I want to talk about the different kinds of lies and deceptions, and what we can do to be a bit more honest, and a little more aware when others are trying to deceive us.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“Life is a storm that will test you unceasingly. Don’t wait for calm waters that may not arrive. Derive purpose from resilience. Learn to sail the raging sea. — @TheStoicEmperor (twitter)Do you fear the unexpected? Do you stress out when life throws you a curveball? Today I want to talk about how to handle, appreciate, and even look forward to the unexpected events that life brings your way.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is 'timing' - it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way." — Fulton J. SheenAre you a patient person? Do you pay attention in your life or are you just rushing through your day? Today I want to talk about how patience is one of the most important attributes you need to live a full life, and reach your goals.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear." — Franklin D. RooseveltDo you live in fear? Are there things in your life that you are afraid to try? Today I want to talk about why courage is the foundational virtue of stoicism, and how to develop a courageous mind.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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This weeks episode is a reposting of an episode from Jew-ish. I was interviewed for the show by the host Hannah Gaber about what it's like growing up in guess culture and comparing that to her experience of growing up in an ask culture. Hannah is fun and smart and we had a great conversation. I hope you enjoy it.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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"We must not let the impressions carry us away so that we are not in control of ourselves, but we must receive them in such a way as to be in control of ourselves." — Epictetus Do you know that some problems are simple, while others are complicated, complex, or chaotic? Do you know the difference between them? Today I want to talk about how understanding the different types problems can help you face up to your challenges more effectively.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”— Marcus AureliusDo your opinions get in your way? Do your strong opinions cause issues in your relationships? What would happen if you weren’t so attached to your opinions? Today I want to talk about why we should be willing to let go of attachments to our opinions and how doing so can help you live a happier life.Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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Do struggle with loneliness? Have the last few years of lockdowns and isolation been hard on you? Today I want to talk about loneliness, why it’s something that shouldn’t be ignored, and why it’s important for us to reach out and connect to others.“We are waves of the same sea, leaves of the same tree, flowers of the same garden.”—SenecaVisit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.

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Do you give others the benefit of the doubt? When other people disappoint you do you cut them some slack? Today I want to talk about why it’s important to give people some grace, and how it can make you happier with yourself.

“Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option: to accept this event with humility; to treat this person as they should be treated; to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in.”

—Marcus Aurelius

My StoryOne of the things that went wrong in my last relationship was that I was not very good about giving my ex-partner the benefit of the doubt. When we would have arguments I would often take what she said and twist it into something that was done to hurt me. I would often assume that actions she did that took that I didn’t care for would done out of spite or meanness.She often complained that I didn’t give her the benefit of the doubt. That I was so sure what she meant by what she said or what she did, and unfortunately, it was usually that I assumed the worst, and gave everything a negative spin. And to be honest, she was correct. Now, the reason why we reached this state of affairs was because of me. Having grown up in a culture where I had to conform to fit in, whenever things got challenging, I would always try to figure out what I thought was the right thing to say was so that I didn’t get into trouble. This meant that rather than telling the truth about what I thought about something, I would try to figure out the answer that would please the other person, in this case, my ex-partner. But the thing is, when you live this way, you erode trust with other people, especially those closest to you. When you are constantly lying about how you feel and what you think, it makes it challenging if not impossible for someone to trust you.What happens in this situation is that the person who has to pretend to be something they’re not feels resentful because they feel like they can’t be themselves. The person that is being lied to is resentful because they feel like they pretender doesn’t trust them, and that they cannot trust the pretender. To put it mildly, this creates a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. Even if you love the other person deeply, and you want things to work, this kind of dynamic doesn’t foster trust on either side. I know this is a bit of tangent, but I want you to understand where I’m coming from so that when I dive into what things you can do to be more graceful with people, you can understand how I got to place where I really had to make an effort to work on this. I’ve talked to other people who’ve grown up in similar situations and they’ve talked about how they’ve had similar relationship issues. I hope that by sharing some of these things, that if you see yourself in a similar situation, you might be able to learn from my mistakes.Road to RuinWhat happens when we don’t give others the benefit of the doubt is that we can ruin relationships. It erodes trust because other people feel like they can’t make mistakes around us. Because we assume the worst of them, they feel like they can’t be vulnerable around us. It means that they can’t have a bad day around us when they aren’t at their best. When we don’t give others the benefit of the doubt, it also makes them less willing to want to give us some grace when we’re not at our best. This may not even be a conscious act on their part, but more that they start to become protective of themselves. When others, especially those who are close to us, feel like they cannot be vulnerable around us they put up emotional barricades to keep us out because we aren’t safe.Projection

“It is our own opinions that disturb us. Take away these opinions then, and resolve to dismiss your judgment about an act as if it were something grievous, and your anger is gone.”

—Marcus Aurelius

One reason why we may not give others the benefit of the doubt is that we are so sure what we know what the the other person really means by something they do or say. We assume that our judgement about them is correct, regardless of what they do or say to explain themselves or their actions. And really this is just us projecting our thoughts and opinions on someone else. In my case, I would project what I thought my ex partner thought of me onto every word and action. Not what she really thought of me, but I what I assumed she thought of me. Since we can never truly know what others think of us, I would assume what she thought of me, and unfortunately, because I was so hard on myself and didn’t think that I was all that great of a person, I just assumed that she felt the same way. I was so sure that I knew the truth it didn’t matter how much she protested and tried to tell me what she really thought.Grace

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

— William James

So why is it important that we give others the benefit of the doubt? We are all fallible and make mistakes in our lives. Just as we want others to give us some grace when we screw up, we should be willing to do the same for others. None of us are perfect and none of us will ever do everything perfectly. In order for us to get along with others in the world, we need to be willing to trust others, and let them make mistakes. When we don’t cut others some slack, then they will usually start to disconnect from us, and feel like they have to protect themselves from us. What might have been once a warm and caring relationship, becomes more fraught with distrust and full of resentment. Even in professional relationships assuming the worst of others makes it challenging when you need trust to help each other in challenging situations. I know that I was far more willing to step up and go the extra mile for managers who I felt were kind to me when I messed up. I was also far more willing to step up and own my mistakes when I felt like there was room to do so.Face Value

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”

— Marcus Aurelius

One of the things that we should be willing to do is to take others at face value. Now this is not an easy thing to do because we will often try to read into what other people actions mean or interpret what they say to have some other kinds of meaning. In most cases we’re just better off taking people at face value, and trust them until we have reason not to. Now in my case this has been challenging. Because the environment I grew up in was never really about being honest about how you felt, you felt like you could never really trust what someone else was saying. At church you never really spoke about your real opinion on something, but rather found the right answers so that everyone thought you were a good member. It was about saying and doing all the right things in front of the right people. At home, with my father, it was about making sure that when he was angry about something that I figured out the right thing to say to try and calm him down so I didn’t get hit. Both of these factors taught me that people can’t be trusted because they will say what the need to say, and not what they really mean.When we decide to take people at face value, there will be those who lie to us. In most cases, it doesn’t cause us harm to let them. For example, someone might break a date with us and make up some excuse for it rather than simply telling us they’re not interested in us anymore. We could get upset and call them out on it but what good would that do? The end result is still the same, and it doesn’t do us any good to think poorly of them. I think we’re better off being a little more gracious than assuming bad intentions of others. And funny enough, I’ve had situations where I ran into people who had broken off dates with me, and because I handled it graciously at the time, they owned up to why they broke things off. A few became friends because they felt like they could trust me.Self CompassionIronically, one of the ways that we can get better about giving others the benefit of the doubt is to practice self compassion. Often the reason we don’t cut others slack when they need it is because we don’t do the same to ourselves. When we make a mistake, often we can be very harsh on ourselves, and beat ourselves up for our screw ups. Often we aren’t kind to ourselves because we have low self esteem and we carry a sense of shame about ourselves. When we carry a deep sense of shame, we feel like we are a bad person and need to be punished when we mess up. While we need to accept the consequences for our actions and do our best to fix things when we screw up, shame pushes us beyond that to a point where it becomes unhelpful and even destructive.When we practice self compassion, we are better able to step up and take responsibility for our actions. We’re able to see that just because we made a mistake it doesn’t mean that we are a bad person. While our actions might have been harmful, we recognize that we are not our actions, and we can step up and do our best to fix the situation. When we can have that kind of compassion for ourselves, we are better able to extend that to others as well. It’s like when we practice it on ourselves, it’s easier to give it to others. ConclusionGiving others the benefit of the doubt is something that can go a long way in helping others to trust us. It can help create stronger relationships where they can be vulnerable with us. It also helps us assume the best of others, and if you’re like me, I know that I really appreciate it when others assume the best of me. Giving each other some grace, and cutting each other more slack would go a long way in repairing some of the rifts that we see in society. It would mean that we could be more tolerant and forgiving for each other when we are not at our best, and as we all know, no one is ever always at their best. ---
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Are you stuck in life? Do you feel like you can’t break out of the rut you’re in? Today I want to talk about why we get stuck and offer some ideas of how to get unstuck.

“What upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgements about these things.”

— Epictetus

Getting stuck in a rut is a fairly common occurrence in modern life. To be honest, it’s often been a curse throughout the ages. Because we are all creatures of habit, we often find something that works, then we cling to it because, while it may not be the best thing for us, it’s safe, and if we’re working in a creative realm we often have all kinds of fears and anxieties that pop up and make it challenging to move forward.The reason that I’m doing an episode on this topic is that I struggle with this every week. I wish that I could say that creating an episode each week was easy and that the ideas just flowed from my mind and through the microphone, but they don’t. Each week is a challenge that I face as I come up with an idea, find information and quotes to help illustrate the points that I’m trying to make, and sit down synthesis all these ideas into a good episode for you.As I’ve mentioned many times before, almost every episode that I put out is usually something that I’m working through in my personal life. As I work to try and solve the problems that I deal with, sitting down and creating an episode is a way for me to find some solutions, and do my best to share them with you. So why do we get stuck? What is it that keeps up from progressing forward in our lives?Lack of ResourcesSometimes we are stuck because have a lack of resources to make progress. That could mean that we don’t the funds to accomplish our goals. We may not have the right equipment or tools to complete a project. We may not have the opportunities for the education we need.Often the resource we lack most of is time. We may simply have too many other commitments and lack the time to be able to achieve what we want. I’ve run into this many times myself and have gone through periods of my life where I reduce the number of things I’m working on at any given time so that I don’t burn out.Other PeopleWe may be dependent on someone else. Sometimes other people are in positions that block us from being able to accomplish what we want. This could be anyone from a manager to even someone in your family. Probably the most challenging is when it comes from a partner. So, last week I sent out an email to all the people on my email list and asked them what their biggest challenge was when it came to self improvement. There were a lot of different answers, but one that came up more frequently than I expected was dealing with partners who were not interested in personal growth, and they felt like they were at odds with them in their efforts to improve themselves.UnknownSometimes we get stuck because we don’t know what to do. We may be trying something new, and because it’s new, we don’t know what steps are needed to move us forward. For example, as I’m working on turning the podcast into a full time job, I’m very unsure of what to do. Coaching, masterminds, creating courses, and learning how to market them is something that is way outside of my comfort zone, and there are plenty of times when I have no idea what to do next. In my case, there is certainly not a dearth of information, but rather there is too much information. I don’t know what next steps I should take because there are so many opinions of how to make this successful. BurnoutOften we’re stuck in a rut because we’re just simply burnt out. We might be over scheduled. We might be just trying to take on too much. We might have other obligations or people that have demands on our time that we don’t have the courage to step up and say no to. Burnout is something that is very real, and often times it takes us crashing and burning to recognize that’s what’s going on in our lives, and this will often force us to take step back and start to care for ourselves a little better.Fear

“The limit is not the sky. The limit is the mind.”

— Wim Hof

I think the biggest reason that we get stuck in our lives is fear. Fear is the primary driver of so many of our actions, that we may not even be truly aware of it. But the thing is that fear is caused by our own minds. Most of the things that we are afraid of are things that we just imagine might cause us some kind of pain, but in most cases the only pain we ever feel is our own distress, not any real physical harm.There are different kinds of fear that can keep up from moving forward. First and foremost is the fear of failure. We can get so fixated on not being able to meet certain expectations, that we fail to even get started on a project or we refuse to put ourselves out there. This fear can also be driven from several places such as our fear of being judged by others, especially when we sensitive to external validation from others. Rather than even trying, we just avoid the situation altogether.The fear of failure can also swing the other way and we can become paralyzed with perfectionism. Our inner critic can convince us that whatever it is that we are working on is just not good enough. So we keep working on it and working on it far past the point where most people would consider it complete. Sometimes we just give up on it because we never reach a point where we consider it complete. We can also get stuck with fear of the unknown. Because the future is always uncertain, we may stay stuck because of that uncertainty. We’d rather stick with what we know because it’s safe. We might even be comfortable where we are in life, and therefore don’t want things to change at all. But as we all know, life is never static so the wish to keep things as they are is something that will ultimately fail. The thing about all the fears we have that keep us stuck are usually things that don’t even exist outside of our own minds. It is our perception of these things, and all the awful scenarios that we conjure up which cause us the most pain in the form of anxiety. We become our own tormentors. So what are some things that we can do to help get ourselves unstuck?Mindfulness

“Discomfort is the currency of success.”

— Brooke Castillo

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

— M. Scott Peck

Often, we procrastinate on something because we have associated a strong negative feeling with the activity that we are trying to do. It’s often challenging because we feel like something is wrong with us that we have something we want to accomplish, and yet, we will put it off and even self-sabotage ourselves. I know that for me, many times I have struggled getting this podcast done because I feel like it’s just not going to be good enough. That feeling that it has to somehow be perfect creeps in and makes it so my brain wants to avoid working on it. At that point, everything else seems much more interesting, so it’s easeir to get distracted. In order to move past procrastination, we need to be mindful of the story that we are telling ourselves about what we need to accomplish. We need to be mindful of the feelings that we have somehow associated with our task. In my case, that it needs to be perfect. I continually remind myself, that a good episode is far better than none, and more likely to get a good episode done than a “perfect” episode.Developing that mindfulness can help us face the different fears that we have about something. If we don’t understand why we’re avoiding something, it makes it very challenging to to actually face up to and overcome the fears that we have created in our minds.Outcomes

“Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer. Put your principles into practice – now. Stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is your life! […] Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do – now.”

— Epictetus

I know that I talk a lot on my podcast about focusing on the process and learning how to enjoy the work, but sometimes we get fixated on the out come. So, if this is the case, and we’re going to slide into that way of thinking, why don’t we do a nice jujitsu move on our brains and use this to help us out? Sometimes imagining what accomplishing something will feel like in the future can be very useful to us. We can imagine how good it will feel to complete our task. We can imagine how much less stressful it will feel once we’re done working on it. When you reach that point, your future self with thank your present self for putting in the hard work.Copy The Masters

"Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while."

— Steve Jobs

One thing that I’ve found that is helpful when I’m creating music, writing, or even writing software, is that I find songs or elegant solutions that other people have created and copy what they are doing. If it’s music, I’ll try to may my own version of someone else’s song then start adding my own sounds, arrangements, or variations to make it my own. If it’s writing, I’ll read great books or listen to great podcasts to get inspiration or learn new things to expand my horizons. If it’s coding problem, then I’ll try to find tutorials or code that others have posted that can help me make progress on what I’m doing.The point is, in this age where we have so much information available to us, we should use it to build off the shoulders of giants. Much of what we do in this world is about combining unusual ideas to create new and better ones. We have all kinds of of processes and tools that can help us take what is good, and make it great. Sometimes it’s not about creating a completely unique idea, but rather looking at something with a different perspective.Break it DownSometimes we get stuck because the task we’re approaching seems so overwhelming. By taking some time to break things down to smaller and more discreet tasks, it can make things much easier. Rather than being one giant task that you have to get done, it can be several smaller tasks that are much easier to get done.This is something that we do very often in software development. Since software applications are built of lots interworking pieces of code, breaking a large project into smaller parts that can be completed in a shorter amount of time makes it more likely that the project will get completed. If you’re interested in this process and want to adapt it into your workflow, check out scum or agile development and see if you might be able to apply it to what you’re working on.Short TimelinesSometimes the way to get past the being stuck it to set yourself short timelines so that you just get started. And what I mean by that is that if you find that it’s difficult to go for a run, set a minimum amount of time that you have to run. Something like 5 or 10 minutes. That means that you only have to run for 5 or 10 minutes, then you can can turn around and go home. Or, that you only have to write or paint for 5 or 10 minutes then you can quit. Often, it only takes getting the action started, then it’s easier to keep going. By creating some momentum with a timeline that is easy to complete, it makes it easier to keep going. Ask For Help

“Associate with people who are likely to improve you. Welcome those who you are capable of improving. The process is a mutual one: men learn as they teach.”

—Seneca

Probably the hardest thing to do when we’re stuck is to reach out to others and ask for help. This is not easy because far too often we think that we need to go it alone and that asking for help is admitting failure. Often we think that other people won’t want to help us and so we don’t ask so we don’t get rejected. But the thing is, other people like to help, and often can bring new and interesting insights into what you’re working on. They may have skills that you don’t have, and know things that you never would have figured out. This is something that I’ve been working on myself. I’ve found a few people who are stronger in areas that I don’t know much about, or they are willing to just talk through things that help me see things that I might have missed. Plus, when you ask others for help, it’s a great space to build a better connection with them. I know that I appreciate it when people are vulnerable and ask me for help. ConclusionGetting unstuck is not an easy thing to do, but most of the things that keep us stuck are products of our own mind. By becoming aware of the thoughts and behaviors that derail us, we can develop coping mechanisms that can help get us back on track. We can find ways to help our minds work with us and achieve the things that we want, and in doing so help us get unstuck just a little faster.---
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What do you think the purpose of life is? Do you ever wonder why we’re here? Today I want to talk about some ideas of what we’re supposed to do with the one life that we have.So while I normally talk about something that is directly a stoic teaching, I want to veer off in a different direction on something that has been rattling around in my head for a while. I hope you enjoy this weeks departure. There are a lot of challenges in this life. Probably the hardest is to understand what is our purpose in life. I think from the earliest days of mankind, every human being has wondered, “Why am I here?” Every religion, mystic, philosophy, even science has tried to answer this question, and we still have no conclusive answer. There has been no divine being or alien visit to come down and tell us all why we are alive on this planet. To be honest, I don’t know either. But the more I think about, the I’ve come to the conclusion that we are here to create. To Create Is Human

“Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way."

— Edward de Bono

From the dawn of time, human beings are driven to create. From a purely biological sense, we spend a lot of time and energy making sure that we can survive long enough to make it to adulthood and procreate. Besides breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping, sex is one of the strongest biological drives we have. From the outset, next to survival, the first biological impulse is to create a new life.Once we have the basics of life, we set out to create things. We build houses and roads, and towns and cities. When you think about it, all of our jobs are either to create something, to aid in the creation of something, or to help in the maintenance of something that has been created.From there, we try to understand the world around us. We tell stories and draw things real and imagined. Write sonnets, songs, and symphonies. Build cars, bridges, skyscrapers, and spaceships. If we can imagine it, we try to create it. It’s our willingness to try things that are silly and even stupid that help us to move forward as a species. It’s this ability to think of things that might be outrageous or ridiculous that lead us to pursue crazy ideas in physics, and other sciences that lead to amazing things. It is our creativity that leads us to try things that at first seem outrageous, but later prove to be incredible breakthroughs and advances for humanity.Nature is Creation Nature itself is all about creation. The fact that seeds form trees and plants with the right conditions to create forests and food, such a wide variety of animal and other organic life on this planet. I live in Oregon, where it seems like if there is some kind of land that is not cultivated, nature will fill it in with weeds, ivy, or blackberry bushes. RedefineOne of the first things I want to do is redefine what it means to be creative. One of the things that I find most interesting when I talk with people about being creative is that many people consider themselves to be uncreative people. And I think this is wrong. Everyone is creative in their own way. I think we need to redefine creativity from a narrow scope of artistic endeavors to a wider scope of anything that helps improve the world. Planting and tending a garden is creation. Building out your company’s computer network or developing and inclusive HR policy can be itself a creative act. Being a good parent who raises resilient kids can be a creative act. Being a teacher that helps kids think and become the leaders of the future is a creative act. Creative Solutions

"Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while."

— Steve Jobs

Creation is not just about creating art, but about creating in everyday life. Ideas to help fix problems in the world are acts in creation. There are a lot of problems in the world, and in order to solve these problems, we need innovative solutions. We won’t be able to address the problems of tomorrow with the same solutions that we have had in the past or present. We’ll have to solve them by thinking in ever more creative ways that build upon or even possibly completely disregard previous knowledge, ideas, and solutions.Now, the reason I think we should all try to create something artistic is that creating art can help us learn to think of things in different ways. It allows us to shift our perspectives and see things from different viewpoints that we might not have ever considered. It gives us practice of creating things that did not exist before. It stretches our minds to see things that are not obvious, to see details in things that we might have missed before. It helps us meld disparate ideas and technologies that we otherwise might not have tried if we just did things the way they have always been done. Art and the Self

"Creativity is intelligence having fun."

— Albert Einstein

One of the most important reason why I think we need to create things, and specifically artistically, is that art is about expression of the self. It’s about figuring out who we are through other means. Each story, painting, song, sculpture, or dance is a way to discover something about ourselves. It’s a way to express a deeper part of ourselves, and about our humanity. In a world where so much pressure is put on being productive or creating wealth, taking time out to create in a way that is important for you is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Each week as I work on my podcast, I change my mind and my thinking just a little bit. As I work through the topic of the week, I learn something about my own view on something. I may even completely reverse my previous thinking on something. The more I work through the process of clarifying my ideas about something, the more expansive my thinking becomes. This is why, for example, I don’t use AI to write my episodes. The time and energy I put into creating an episode is not just to have an end product, but to stretch my own thinking, to improve my cognitive skills and rational thinking. The process of creation is just as important as what is created. Creating something also can bring on tremendously powerful mental states. Often, when we work on something creative, we will hit flow states. When I play piano or when I sing, I will hit these state of almost joy where it feels like everything just works. Where melodies and chords just work. Where my voice just feels like I can hit any note I want, and I could sing for hours. It’s that feeling of something almost being channeled through me from some deeper source. Internal Resistance

“Creativity is a type of learning process where the teacher and pupil are located in the same individual."

— Arthur Koestler

Whenever someone works to create something, there is always resistance. This can come in many forms. It can come from the obstacles that we have to overcome when creating something. It can be the self doubt that we have about our own skills or the ideas that we are trying to bring to life. We may worry about the opinions of others and that they will think what we are working on is dumb, a waste of time, or even dangerous. Whenever we attempt a creative act, there will always be something that makes it hard.But just because we hit that resistance, doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it. In fact, in many cases it means that we are on the right path. Each and every week when I sit down to work on my podcast, I find the usual culprits that make working on an episode challenging. Self-doubt, writers block, and distraction being among the usual suspects. Even so, it’s worth it to continue pushing through. Often I just type whatever comes to mind, knowing that even with a long and verbose and unpolished first, second, or third draft, I’ll find some gold that I can share with you. External Resistance

"If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original."

— Ken Robinson

We can see that the urge to stifle creative thought will come from those with power who feel threatened by what those ideas can mean. From artists to writers, and physicists to astronomers, people who think creatively and try to push society forward have met resistance from those who want to keep things as they are. But the universe is not static. It is always in a constant state of change. This is why we should always be willing to question ideas that people like to propose as being absolutes or claim as how things must be. When I was in the Mormon church there were dictates about what the leaders thought god wanted from us. First and foremost of which was obedience to the leaders of the church. We were often warned of books we shouldn’t read, movies we shouldn’t watch, and even music we shouldn’t listen to. I remember feeling stifled in that I would feel guilty for wanting to learn and understand things that were considered taboo in the church. Challenging or offering different opinions on things the church set down as doctrine was usually frowned upon and in many cases not tolerated. Anything that went against the dictates of the leadership was seen as a threat to their power. Throughout humanity, there are always those that will try to stifle art because it is through art that people are inspired to think differently about something. Whether it’s a painting or a song or a movie, anything that can move us emotionally, can change our opinions about the world around us. SupportEven if you feel you are not particularly creative in an artistic way, being someone that is supportive and helps others in creating can be a way to contribute to the creativeness of the world. All throughout history, great artists and inventors have had patrons who helped support them in their endeavors. These were people who recognized that even though they may not have a particular ability in some area, they were willing support others who did because it would help benefit humanity in the long run. CommunityAnother aspect to help move things creatively is to surround yourself with other people who are working on their own creativity. Last month I attended the SHIFT festival in Eastern Oregon that is put on by the Burning Man camp that I belong to. There’s tons of music ranging from rock to EDM to jazz. Performances ranging from circus clowns to aerialist and dancers. There were sculptures and paintings and intricate LED installations. There are theme camps ranging from a tea tent, to a full aerialist big top. It’s really a lot of fun with people coming from all over the Pacific Northwest and neighboring states. Each year the art just keeps getting more and more amazing, especially some of the LED art pieces. And one night when I was walking back to my tent it occurred to me that with the technology we have in so many areas of our lives, we are able to be more and more creative in all kinds of ways. We’re able to take what others have created, the tools that have been invented, for example new kinds of musical and audio technology, 3D printing, or advances in LEDs, microchips, and code to make each new iteration of art more and more amazing. ConclusionCreativity is something that is inherent in all humans. Even in our youngest days of building sandcastles on the beach, building a car with Legos, or drawing the family dog for a school project, humans are inherently creative. I believe that we are driven to create, and that creating is one of the most human things we can do. So what can you do to be more creative in your life? Is there an instrument that you’ve always wanted to learn or haven’t picked up since you were young? Maybe you’d like to learn to draw? Maybe gardening is more your speed. Whatever it is, I urge you to add to this world and share your creative energy. The world will be better off for it, and so will you.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Are you a victim? Do you put yourself in the role of a victim rather than owning up to and taking responsibility for yourself? Today I want to talk about why we fall into the role of victim and how we can step up and be responsible for ourselves.

“An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself.”

— Epictetus

Life HappensThere are a lot of things that happen to us in life. As the stoics have told us time and again, there are very few things that we control. In short, we control our thoughts, our choices, and our actions, and that’s about it. So if we control so little, doesn’t that make us the victim of the circumstances that we have no control over? When things go wrong, can’t we just blame it on the universe? Other people? The government? Sure. We can always do that. We can put the blame for our unhappiness on someone else. It is always a choice that we can make. But, if we want to actually be happy, grow, and make progress in our lives, blaming others is a waste of time. The sooner we move out of the role of victim, the more likely we are to create happiness, and actually accomplish the things that we want to in our lives. So why do we allow ourselves to become the victim in so many ways? Why would we let go of the power we have and put ourselves in a place of weakness?Alibi

“People think that if they complain about life, life or the world might change. But of course this does not happen. You cannot change Nature and its laws. It is what it is. No amount of complaining, resentment or mourning will help. Accept, let go and move on.”

— The Ancient Sage

One of the main reasons that we fall into the role of victim is that it gives us an alibi for failing at something. Often we try to make ourselves feel better by making the reason for our failure something or someone else. If the reason for failing is external to us, then we feel like less of a failure because it was due to something else that we do not have control over.Coming up with excuses also removes the pressure from having to make changes and actually do something about the situation we find ourselves in. If we can place the blame outside ourselves and find some other reason other than ourselves for why we failed, then we don’t have to change. Change is hard and we will look for all kinds of reason to not have to put in the work to improve. I know that in the past that I would fall into this way of behaving. Much of that had to do with growing up in the church and the turbulent home life I had growing up. In both cases, if I had a good excuse for why I had done something then often things went more smoothly and I didn’t get in as much trouble as if I had just owned up and taken responsibility for my actions. If I could come up a good enough excuse, there was good chance I could escape punishment for my actions. This bad habit took a long time to become aware of and even longer to remove from my way of operating. But just like everyone, I sometimes fall into coming up with excuses for my not so great behavior. It takes a lot of effort to change this kind of behavior, especially when it worked so well in the past.AttentionAnother reason why we will play the role of a victim is that it brings us attention. Most of us want to be noticed by others, and playing the victim, we have something that sets us apart without having to put much work into it. Rather than putting effort into something and receiving attention for our actions, our self victimization allows us to feel important with little work. There are people who continuously cast themselves in the role of the victim for whatever life brings their way. Every new setback is something to complain about and to tell others about how unfair their life is and garners even more attention. SympathySecondarily to garnering attention, playing the victim can garner sympathy from others. When we are the victim and are in a position of weakness, it plays on the sympathies of others. On the whole, people like to help others who are in need, and this exploits the natural tendency that most people have to helps others. Garnering sympathy makes us a feel like we are loved and that people care for us, but again, it can easily be used to manipulate others into getting us what we want. The sympathy we get from others in our victimhood also becomes a way of validating our feelings and our sense of righteousness. The more validation we get, the more we feel like we don’t have to make any changes to our behavior. Because we feel like we are “right” in our feelings of being a victim, we continue on on this role without ever really questioning ourselves. Growing up I remember a relative who always had something wrong with them. Their spouse and other family members were always doing everything for them because their wide ranging ailments were used as excuses to not have to do anything around the house. Every time we would visit my dad would joke that we shouldn’t ask how they are doing because they might tells us and we’d be there all night listening to the never-ending list of ailments and calamities in their life. Group AcceptanceSometimes we will use our victimhood as a way to fit into a group. When we find fellow victims, we can bond over the ways that we were wronged. Victimhood becomes a sort of social currency. Because we get that validation from others, we can stay stuck in that role, convinced of the “rightness” of our position. This aspect of playing the role of a victim can be the most dangerous because it allows us to stay where we are without anyone else questioning our belief. The reinforcement and validation of others makes it easy to never question it ourselves either.LeverageOften we will use victimhood to try and control other people. In the role of a victim, we hold onto the idea that we have been wronged. We feel like we are in the “right” and try to use it as leverage against someone else. We may try to control them by trying to make them feel guilty and shame them into do what we want them to do. Control

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is.”

— Eckhart Tolle

Ultimately, we play the role of the victim because it’s a way to try and control the situation around us. It also allows us to feel morally superior without having to take responsibility or make changes to our behavior. So what can we do to be more aware of when we are acting like a victim, and take more responsibility for ourselves?One of the key components of stoicism is that we have to understand what we do and what we do not control. When we try to control things that we don’t have control over, such as the opinions of others, or other people in general, then we’re wasting our time and energy, and it turns us into victims. When we are not controlling the things that we can control, then again, we allow ourselves to become victims because we could actually be doing something about the situation, but we’re choose not to.Sometimes it’s hard to see that we’re playing the role of victim. We feel righteous about our position and we hold onto the conviction that the other person needs to change for us. But the thing is, as much as we might want the other person to change, we have no control over them. We can sit around all day wanting them to change for us, but if they don’t want to, there is very little that we can do. By making our happiness dependent on the will of others we actually give them control over us. Anger

“It is our own opinions that disturb us. Take away these opinions then, and resolve to dismiss your judgment about an act as if it were something grievous, and your anger is gone.”

— Marcus Aurelius

One clear way to recognize when we might be trying to control other people is if we are angry with them. Often, we are angry with someone because they won’t do something we want, and we try to use anger to control them and get them to change or do something. I know that I often did this with my ex-partner. When she was annoyed or disappointed with me, I would try and argue with her about why she shouldn’t be. Now, much of this was driven from a fear that if she was upset with me that she didn’t love me, which is a trauma response that I have from my childhood, but it’s no excuse for my behavior. Nonetheless, it was my way of trying to control her by trying to change how she felt about me. Rather than stepping up and owning my feelings about the situation and giving her space to have her have her feelings about it, I would cast myself in the role of the victim and make it her fault that I felt uncomfortable and angry. Doing so pushed her farther away from me because no one likes having someone trying to control their feelings. Point of View

“If we know only our own side of the argument, we hardly know even that; it becomes stale, soon learned only by rote, untested, a pallid and lifeless truth.”

― Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

One tool that we can use to help pull ourselves out of being a victim is to put ourselves in the other person’s point of view. This isn’t easy to do, especially when we’re convinced that we are in the right. But, if we only pay attention to and know our side, then we do not have even close to a complete picture of the situation. Our own point of view may be severely limited because we have let our emotions take over, or we may just have a limited amount of information.Own It

“Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.”

— Antisthenes

Another thing to consider when you’re acting like a victim, is to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about. Are you upset that someone pointed out a flaw of yours? Did they say something mean or gossip about you? More to the point, is what they said actually true? We don’t like being called out on our bad behavior. But if you find yourself upset at someone for pointing out something you actually said or did, then you are arguing with reality. In this case, we need to step up and own our behavior.Responsibility

“Emotions are easily hijacked by illusory threats that tap into our insecurities. We can’t be strategically dynamic if we are always on the defensive. We are more effective when we realize how many things don’t require any response at all.”

-— @TheStoicEmperor (twitter)

“At any given moment, you can choose to follow the chain of thoughts, emotions, and sensations that reinforce a perception of yourself as vulnerable and limited, or to remember that your true nature is pure, unconditioned, and incapable of being harmed.”

—Mingyur Rinpoche

The most important step to getting out of victimhood is taking responsibility. Now when I talk about taking responsibility it includes a few areas. First, we need to be responsible for our emotions and reactions in any situation. This can be incredibly challenging because it often feels like our emotions come from what someone else did or said, or what life sent our way. Our emotions are actually formed by the meaning that we give to an event, so trying to blame how we feel on someone else is a mistake. Also, when we put the blame of how we feel on someone or something else, we are letting something outside of ourselves have power over us. We are allowing circumstances or what others do control our moods and emotions.Most importantly though, the area of responsibility that falls to us when we no longer want to play victim, is that we recognize that we need to be ones the take action in our lives. While you may not be to blame for whatever happens in your life, you are the one who is responsible for doing something about it. Waiting around for someone else to fix things leaves you powerless. Even if someone else did something that put in you at a disadvantage or harmed you, they may not want to change in the way that you expect them to. Since we don’t control other people, you need to step up and do what you can do, rather than waiting around for others or the world to change for you. ConclusionPlaying the role of victim is something that is easy to do. Doing so is a way to escape having to do the hard work of taking responsibility for your life, and putting in the work to improve your life. Taking that kind of responsibility means that in any situation you are able to find opportunities for growth and improving your situation. It takes awareness of yourself and the situation. It takes a willingness to control what you can, and let the rest go. When you place blame on someone or something outside of yourself, you forfeit the power you have to do something about it. So the next time you find yourself a victim, rather than waiting for someone else to do something, ask yourself, “What can I do in this situation?”, then step up and start doing it.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you think that life should be all pleasure and no pain? This week I want to talk about the balance between pain and pleasure and why if you want more pleasure, you may have to add more pain to your life.

“If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please.”

—Epictetus

The Paradox of Pain and PleasureA few weeks ago, I had an episode called Suffer Well, and in that episode I talked about how we should be willing to put ourselves in pain deliberately because it teaches us how to deal with unexpected suffering. I also talked about how exposing ourselves to the right amount pain helps us grow, become more confident in ourselves, and find purpose in our lives. This week, I want to explore the link between pleasure and pain from a slightly different angle. Last week I was listening to a two part episode on Hidden Brain, which is one of my favorite podcasts to listen to. The episodes, The Paradox of Pleasure and The Path to Enough talked about research into the connection between pain and pleasure and how if we are only pursuing pleasure, we can actually end up causing ourselves a lot of pain. In the episodes, Dr Anne Lembke, who is Chief of the Stanford Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic at Stanford University, talks about how because pain and pleasure are colocated in the brain, when we experience pleasure and get a dopamine hit, the brain automatically tries to balance it out. Think of it like a seesaw, that as soon as you push on one side, the brain starts pushing on the other side to achieve balance, or what is called homeostasis. This is why when you indulge in something pleasurable, such as taking drugs, drinking alcohol, eating sugar, or even checking social media, your brain is constantly trying to balance things out. This is why we get a hangover, come down effects from things like drugs and alcohol, and reduced pleasure from social media.This balancing act in our brains is why many people find pleasure when they do painful things. As I talked about in Suffer Well, when I’m out cycling and stressing my legs I notice that when I get home and I’m relaxing after my shower, I have this pleasurable buzzed feeling from the endorphins that my body produces after I exert myself. This is the same phenomenon as a “Runner’s High”, but on wheels. Almost any physical activity can generate similar effects. I know that I feel better after a walk, lifting weights, or even just 20 minutes of yoga. Another example where pain can cause pleasure is when people who like to eat really spicy food talk about the pleasurable high that kicks in after eating something spicy. It’s because the body kicks in pleasure to help balance out the pain that you feel.I like to think of this like Newton’s Third Law of Motion, which states, “For each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”. It appears that for pain and pleasure in our brains, this is also the case. The more we pursue pleasurable things, the more we create a dopamine deficit, and the more we do things that are challenging and at times painful, we are rewarded with a natural dopamine increase.Addiction

“A person who has built his life around pleasure is bound to be disillusioned. Hedonism is not sustainable, and it leaves a person empty. We are not meant to experience sustained pleasure. Therefore, to cope with the drab routine of daily existence, one must find meaning somewhere.”

— @TheAncientSage

While most people apply temperance to alcohol, we need to consider that almost anything can become an addiction. In fact, the researcher, Anna Lembke, talks about her own addiction that disrupted her life in a fairly dramatic way. And you might be surprised at what it was: romance novels. She became enthralled with the erotic portions of romance novels to the point where she would read until 3 or 4 in the morning even though she had to be at work early in the morning. She found herself reducing her time spent with family and friends. To keep others from knowing what she was reading, she bought a kindle. She was losing connection with the real world and escaping to fantasy in the pages of erotica.Other addictions that are mentioned in episode include dugs, online gambling, pornography, shopping, food, video games, and even social media. We have so much instant pleasure at our fingertips we can easily find ourselves addicted without even really being conscious of what is happening. Because our brains are always trying to keep homeostasis, after a certain point, those pleasurable things can actually start to cause us harm.ToleranceWhere we really start to run into issues with pleasure that when you keep doing something on the pleasure side, and you get that dopamine hit, then your brain tries to balance it out by reducing the pleasure you get from it. That means in order to get the same amount of pleasure you had from the previous hit, you have to have more. You can build up a tolerance to almost anything pleasurable, to the point where it starts to make you irritable, anxious, or even sick.One of the most interesting things that I learned from this podcast is that often the thing that someone is addicted to is used not to treat the original issue, but to treat the comedown effect from the last use of it. Meaning that you use it, your brain counters it, then you have to use it again to try and block the negative effects from the last time you used it.This was illustrated in the second episode of the podcast, where they talk about a patient named Delilah, who suffered from anxiety and depression and would smoke cannabis to help relieve those symptoms. But as Lembke worked with Delilah, she realized that the anxiety and depression that she was treating was actually being caused by the cannabis. She convinced Delilah to give up cannabis for 4 weeks to try and reset her dopamine levels. After 4 weeks Delilah returned and talked about her experience. She said that in the first week she was vomiting violently because of the withdrawal from cannabis. She recognized that she had actually been addicted, and that her body had been changed by such chronic heavy use. After the four weeks of not using cannabis she said that she felt less anxious and depressed than she had felt in years. Lembke herself talks about how when she gave up reading erotica, that the first two weeks she had terrible insomnia and even headaches as she was going through withdrawal symptoms from the lack of dopamine she was used to. She had to detox from the erotica in order to reset her dopamine levels. HomeostasisSo why does our brain work this way? Why does it try to limit pleasure and reward us for pain? Because it’s trying to keep us safe and help us grow. How does it keep us safe? Because often those things that offer instant pleasure are things that are not good for us in the long term. A good example of this is hard drugs like meth or heroin. While in the moment they feel incredibly pleasurable, they take their toll on those that use them. Our brain is doing its best to keep us alive by putting the brakes on pleasure.On the flip side, our brains reward us for seeking out the right kind of pain. For example, when we exercise, it is uncomfortable and at times painful, we grow stronger, can run faster, and our bodies work better overall when we subject ourselves to certain levels of pain and stress. By pushing on the pain side, we get our brains to reward us by releasing pleasurable chemicals.Embracing Discomfort

“Why do I keep repeating harmful behaviors/habits when I know they are bad for me?” Because they give you pleasure or help you avoid discomfort. And you are too weak to let go of a little pleasure or to bear a little discomfort.”

— @TheAncientSage

So now that we know how the brain handles pain and pleasure, what can we do to take advantage of this knowledge?One of the best and worst things about modern life how much access we have to comfort and pleasure. In fact, it been shown in studies that as our societies have more access to easy pleasures and comforts, we have higher levels of unhappiness. It seems that the easier our lives have become, the worse off we are. People in developed countries as a whole report far higher levels of stress and anxiety than those in less developed countries. When we learn to embrace discomfort, we are not only strengthening ourselves, but we are actually able to find more pleasure. When we learn how handle things that are challenging, we actually get a natural hit of dopamine when we overcome a problem. Taking on the right amount of physical pain and stress we are also rewarded as our brain tips the seesaw over towards the pleasure side. Our brains reward us for doing hard things.EscapeAnother reason why we often seek out too much pleasure is to cover up our own pain or unhappiness. Often times the addictive behavior comes from trying to escape difficult feelings. While these feeling are uncomfortable and at times painful, when we try to numb them out with pleasure, then we are creating another problem on top of the one that we are trying to avoid. When we are willing to step up and face the difficult feelings, then our brains actually reward us. I know that in my own experience when I step up and try to work through things, even though it’s hard, I usually feel better about myself. When I make a breakthrough and handle a challenging situation better, while it may not be the pleasure hit from a good whiskey, there’s an underlying good feeling of accomplishment that lasts far longer because I’ve made some progress. TemperanceWhile listening to the episodes, it made me think about how the stoics teach us about the importance of moderation, also referred to as temperance. It is so important to the stoics, that it is one of the four virtues along with wisdom, justice, and courage. The stoics understood what neuroscience is discovering - that the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, can actually cause us harm.When we think about temperance or moderation, there’s often this idea that in practicing moderation we’re spoiling our fun. But the stoics knew from watching human behavior that the pursuit of nothing but pleasure and avoiding pain led to a life of excess and little growth. In fact, in writing about the pleasure seeking of the Epicureans, Seneca clearly states that when you seek out virtue first, then happiness will follow.

“Let virtue lead the way: then every step will be safe. Too much pleasure is hurtful: but with virtue we need fear no excess of any kind, because moderation is contained in virtue herself. That which is injured by its own extent cannot be a good thing: besides what better guide can there be than reason [as opposed to pleasure] for beings endowed with a reasoning nature? So if this combination pleases you, if you are willing to proceed to a happy life thus accompanied, let virtue lead the way, let pleasure follow and hang about the body like a shadow: it is the part of a mind incapable of great things to hand over virtue, the highest of all qualities, as a handmaid to pleasure.”

— Seneca

Here Seneca is pointing out that when we seek pleasure for its own sake, then too much can cause us harm. Seneca even points out, “That which is injured by its own extent cannot be a good thing”, he’s pointing out that sometimes pleasurable things can cause injury by using them to excess. For anyone who has had one drink too many, I think you can agree that there can be too much of a good thing.When we act with virtue, then pleasure and happiness follow as a natural consequence. When we act with virtue it is also self regulating. You can’t harm yourself practicing moderation.ConclusionAs the world moves faster and pleasure is easier to access, we find that people are lonelier and more unhappy than ever before because they are working against their own biology. The next drink, the next pill, the next bet, the next post gives us that next little hit of pleasure, but our own brain knows that easy pleasure always comes with a price. When we can instead learn to govern ourselves, to choose the harder path of growth and moderation, we can work with our biology, and find the pleasure in the pain.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Why do you set goals? Why is it important for you to accomplish those goals? Today I want to talk about why we should try to accomplish goals, even we never achieve them.

“That which we desire lies across an ocean of hard won knowledge.”

— @TheStoicEmperor (twitter)

AchievementBecause we live in an achievement driven culture we often feel like if we don’t achieve certain things that we are falling behind. Whether that’s getting a college degree, making a certain amount of money, or achieving a certain amount of fame, there are always areas where we may feel like we’re not accomplishing what we think we should. But, let’s stop and think for a moment. Is there anything in this world that we actually have to accomplish? If you think about it from the most basic level, the only thing you really need to accomplish in this world to be a successful human is basic survival. Everything else is just things that we choose to do. There is nothing that we actually have to do. So if that’s the case, why do anything?Because part of being a human being is to learn and grow. It’s fundamental to our nature. It’s hardwired into us. I mean, just look at a baby. They can’t help but learn and grow. They’re always curious about everything and trying to learn and understand anything they come in contact with. They’re always making noise as they figure out how to speak. Curiosity, learning, and improvement are very natural things. Process vs. Outcome

“Give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.”

—Epictetus

Have you ever had a time when you accomplished an important goal? Maybe you worked hard for a promotion at work, or you got a car that you had always dreamed of only to find that you were happy about it in the moment, but a few weeks or months later, you were at the same level of happiness as before you achieved you goal? This is because far too often we get stuck on the outcome, of thinking that the actual achieving the goal that will make us happy. In study after study, scientists have found that even when they achieve some goal, people find that their happiness only lasts for a short period of time, then they find themselves at the same level of happiness as before they achieved it. This is called the Hedonic Treadmill, meaning that in order to sustain the same happiness, we have to keep achieving even more because we are never satisfied. So if this is the case, if we are not happier after we achieve out goals, then why should we even try to achieve or accomplish anything more? Why not just coast along and do the minimum in life? We work to achieve our goals not for the outcome of the goal, but because of the person we will have to become in order to achieve that goal. We go after goals because of the growth and change that will happen when we try to accomplish them. The work that we put in to achieve those goals stretches us in ways that otherwise would not occur in our everyday life. The skills we have to learn and the processes we have to put in to place will help us become a better person. The journey to a goal is far more important than the goal itself. A goal is something to give us a direction.Man on the MoonIn 1969, the US landed the first manned craft on the moon. This goal had been started years earlier when President John F. Kennedy challenged NASA to put a man on the moon before the Russians did. While part of the reason for this goal was to prove military superiority over the Russians, Kennedy also knew that to land a man on the moon was an audacious goal. In a speech to Rice University in 1962, Kennedy said:

“We choose to go to the Moon... We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win.”

Kennedy knew that work needed to get a man on the moon would be the organizing principle behind great advances in humanity. The technology that would have to be created to accomplish such a goal would need to be invented. He knew that discoveries in mathematics, engineering, material science, and many other fields would need to happen before we able to successfully have anyone striding on the lunar soil. He knew that even if we failed, the progress that we as a society would make in trying to reach the goal would be incredible.From that one goal, we now have all kinds of amazing technology. Things like improved fireproof gear that was created for astronauts is now standard in fire departments around the world. Other inventions that are in wide use include water filtration systems used to purify water, freeze dried food, camera technology for telescopes that is now used in mobile phone cameras so you can thank NASA for your selfies. We have integrated circuits that are in almost everything tech based, and even ski goggles that filter out blue light so that you hit the slopes without being blinded. These are just a few of the myriad technologies that came from trying to hit an audacious goal.So what are the stumbling blocks that can get in the way as we work to achieve our goals? What can we do to be sure that we’re getting the most out of our journey on the way to accomplishing what we set out to do?Cheating

“People are always looking for shortcuts. The only way to achieve greatness in life is to have patience, consistency, and discipline.”

— David Goggins

Because you are trying to live the stoic ideals, the stoics believe strongly in justice as one of the four major virtues. Cheating to win or to accomplish your goal obviously doesn’t help you live the virtue of justice. You should hold yourself to high standards, and to achieve your goals ethically. Doing so is an important part of building your character. But the biggest reason why cheating is a waste, is that if you cheat to get your goal, while you may actually get the outcome you want but in doing so, you miss the growth that comes along with it. Remember, the goal is not the point, it’s what you become while trying to achieve that goals that matters. Even if no one else knows that you cheated, the person who loses is you. You may have the outcome you want, but deep down it’s a hollow victory.Failing

“True success is achieved by stretching oneself, learning to feel comfortable being uncomfortable.”

— Ken Poirot

So what happens if you work really hard but never achieve your goal? I know plenty of people that won’t even set goals because they feel like they will never reach them. Even if you never actually accomplish the goal, you will still grow in trying to accomplish it. You will learn something. You will still grow and gain skills in whatever area you are working on. These things matter far more than actually achieving the goal. This is why setting a challenging goal that seems like it’s out of your reach is still a great thing to do. The trick is to not focus on whether or not you achieve the goal, but that you are continually moving towards that goal. Making progress is far more important than the actual outcome. Defining yourself as a failure simply means that you haven’t achieved some expectations that you set for yourself. If you are making progress, you are not failing. Set Worthy Goals

“So, concerning the things we pursue, and for which we vigorously exert ourselves, we owe this consideration – either there is nothing useful in them, or most aren’t useful. Some of them are superfluous, while others aren’t worth that much. But we don’t discern this and see them as free, when they cost us dearly.”

— Seneca

Because we want goals to help us grow, we need to set goals that challenge us. If we set easy goals that don’t challenge us, then they aren’t really helpful. We might be reaching and completing goals, but if the goals don’t help you grow then they aren’t really helpful. If you want to be better, set goals that scare and excite you. This is something that I’m experiencing right now. As I’m working on attracting coaching clients for my mastermind and other programs, it often produces anxiety because I’m having to learn all kinds of skills such as how to create courses and masterminds that are helpful for others. I’m learning how to write copy that explains the value my programs offer, how to create videos that are entertaining, and how get better at posting on social media. I’m learning to manage my time better and how to get more organized.Excellence

“Show me someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. Of concern for the means, rather than the ends, of their actions…I want to see him. This is the person I have looked for a long time, the true genius.”

— Epictetus

Another aspect to think about when you work on achieving your goals is to not take shortcuts or scrimp on the quality of your work. Remember, the reason for the goal is for you to grow, so part of that growth is learning to do high quality work. Just as with cheating, the more you slack on how well you do something, the more you cheat yourself by not learning how to do things at a high standard. Now, doing good work does not mean that you have to do it perfectly. Perfectionism is the killer of great things. Perfectionism is born out of insecurity and a need to please others. We feel like we have to get it just right in order for us to feel like we are good enough for other people to appreciate us. Doing good work means that we do the best that we can, at the level we are able to work at, and take into consideration any other circumstances.ConclusionGoals are something that are important for us to set, but we need to understand that achieving the goal is probably the least important part of the process. Goals are something we need to use because of the growth that they will bring. We need to set goals that will help us become the people that we want to be. They need to be challenging and uncomfortable. While the outcome of the goal might be something great, the person you’ll be on the other side of that goal will be even greater.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Are you always looking for the lazy solution? Do you try to find “one and done” solutions to the problems in your life? Today I want to talk about how most progress is not just about knowing what to do, but about doing it consistently.

“How do you move forward? One step at a time. How do you lose weight? One kilo at a time. How do you write a book? One page at a time. How do you build a relationship? One day at a time. In a world obsessed with speed, never forget things of real worth and value take time.”

— Thibaut

Personal MaintenanceThe other day I was talking with my therapist and she mentioned how some of the issues that I’ve been struggling with were things that I knew and could do, but are things that I needed to be better about continually applying what I already know. As we discussed it a little further, the thought occurred to me that most things in our lives are not about a big breakthrough idea, but the consistent application of things we already know. It’s about personal maintenance. This kind of maintenance is something that we all need to do, but is not easy to because it feels like they’re just small things that we have to do over and over again. But, it’s kind of like showering - it might be annoying that we have to do it regularly, but if you don’t you really notice it.But we often just want the easy solution or we want something that we just do once and never have to do again. There are very few things in life that are just one time things that once they’re done you never have to work on them again. As I was working on this episode, I struggled to think of anything in life that falls into that category. I mean take for example, when you have a kid. When the is born it’s not like that’s the end of it. In fact, that’s just the beginning of a whole endeavor of bringing up a kid to adulthood. When we have this kind of mindset, then it makes it challenging to make progress because we’re too focused on just getting through whatever it is that we want. This creates a feeling of impatience because we place our satisfaction on the end goal. When we get too focused just getting through to the end of what we are doing, then we are often unhappy while we’re doing it. We want the outcome so bad, that we miss the journey. When we can learn to appreciate the process of what we’re doing then we can really enjoy it, and since life is all about the process of living, we can apply it to anything in life. Never Done

“Progress is not achieved by luck or accident, but by working on yourself daily.”

— Epictetus

I think the biggest thing that comes to mind is that we are never done with personal improvement. You never reach a place in your life where you can say that you are done growing, learning, or improving. And for me this is a beautiful thing. I love the idea that we always have space to grow and to learn. In fact, when I was a teenager and the Mormon’s talked about how when you die and go to heaven, if you have been righteous enough that you’ll be perfect and be like god. This always troubled me because I realized that if I knew everything and was perfect, I would get bored because I have such thirst for learning. This was actually terrifying for me. I get a dopamine hit when I learn something new and interesting. When I have those moment when something clicks for me on an interesting idea, it’s like a rush. It’s honestly a big driver for why I do this podcast. Doing > AchievingBecause we live in a goal oriented and achievement based culture, we need to be careful with making our happiness dependent on our accomplishments. When we set our worth based on outcomes, we are putting our happiness and worth on things outside of our control. This could be something as basic as needing to own a certain size of house or model of car as a symbol to show others our value.Often, we get stuck in the idea that we need to be achieving and accomplishing things in order to feel like we are a productive human. And while accomplishing our goals is good, our goals should be the things that we aim at because they are the things that will help us create processes in order for us to grow. But let me state this clearly, we don’t need to accomplish anything to be a good human. We use goals to set a direction for us because we know in the process of trying to achieve that goal, we will grow and learn. Now, just because I said we don’t need to accomplish anything to be a good human, most of us feel better about ourselves and about our lives when we are contributing to something. We don’t have to have massive achievements. We just need to be contributing to something in some way. We want to feel useful. Big Effort, Little Maintaince

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

— Lao Tzu

Sometimes we do need to take big actions to get things to where they need to be. That may be a project at work, a personal breakthrough, or some other big a change in your life like getting married or having a child. While the big event took a lot of effort, after the big event, there are usually things that need to be done on a continuing basis. For example, when you get married, it’s not like you suddenly live happily ever after and never have to work on your relationship again. I know from my own experience and discussing this with friends that it’s really at that point that things are going to be a lot more challenging as you work to create a healthy and supportive relationship. It takes daily effort to help the relationship grow, and even then people can grow in different directions and desire different things in life. But for there to be a chance that the relationship can grow and be beneficial for both people, it takes every day work.Another example is that I just spent a few weeks getting my house ready so that I could put it up for sale. It took a lot of effort. I had to get rid of a lot of stuff that I don’t need anymore. I had to organize areas of the house that I had let slide, and make repairs that I had put off. By the time I got everything done for the house to be ready to show, I was exhausted, but having done that it’s been pretty easy to keep it clean and tidy. Now it’s just maintenance work. It’s simple things like just wiping down the counters after a meal. It’s making my bed when I get up in the morning. It’s putting clothes away rather than letting them sit by the side of the bed. With personal maintenance it’s the same thing. It takes work to get to where we make a breakthrough, but after that it’s just being mindful and being consistent. It’s about creating systems or processes to continually apply what you have learned. Do It Well

“How you do anything is how you do everything.”

— Ancient proverb

One thing we can do to help us maintain what ground we’ve gained, is to continually do something well. If we can appreciate mastering something simple and doing it well, then we make it in to something greater than just the task. An example of this is a Japanese tea ceremony or chadō. Doing something as simple as making tea is done with a sense of mindfulness, elevates it from the mundane, to something beautiful and artistic. When we can find ways to be mindful and present with what we’re doing, it’s no longer just something to get done and out of the way, but can be thought of as a practice of how to do something, anything, well. The reason why we should practice this with normal everyday tasks is that when you have a mind to do simple well, it becomes a habit in everything else you do. It’s more about developing the skill of discipline than simply improving the skill you’re practicing. It also turns something you’re doing as a practice in mastering something, and for me, the feeling that comes from having done something well, even if it’s something trivial still feels good. As silly as it seems, this is why when you see those videos of people tossing a water bottle and landing it feel so satisfying. Applying this kind of thinking to other seemingly trivial tasks can help develop a work ethic of excellence. Need to prepare dinner? Can you find a way to make the process into a performance? Have to do the dishes? Do them like a dishwashing guru. Do Hard Things

“There is no better way to grow as a person than to do something you hate every day.”

— David Goggins

I’ve often spoken on this podcast about doing hard things or things that are uncomfortable and there’s a reason for that. In our culture of convenience we get too comfortable. We reach a point where we only do things that are easy or pleasurable. Life is not always pleasing. Life has a lot of hard challenges that plenty of people avoid. If you want to make progress, you have to do things that are hard or uncomfortable. The more willing you are to push yourself, the more progress you’ll make.In my own case, as I’m working to create a mastermind group and work on finding coaching clients, I have to do things that are new and uncomfortable for me. I have to stretch myself in ways that I’m not used to, like creating a social media calendar or recording videos. But I know that if I want to be successful I have to do them. I have to work on being more organized and follow up coaching clients. I have to try things that haven’t tried before. Doing all the small things we need to do can sometimes feel very challenging, which is why sometimes we just need to have the courage to push through. Usually we find on the other side of it that it wasn’t nearly as scary as we thought it would be.Reduce

“It is not daily increase but daily decrease, hack away the unessential. The closer to the source, the less wastage there is.”

—Bruce Lee

One of the best things that we can do to help us be more effective, is to reduce what we do. There is so much in modern day life that can take up our time. Trying to remember to do all the things we need to become who we want to be can be daunting. There are plenty of thing in our life that want our attention, but don’t really bring much value to us. When we take the time to figure out what is truly essential we will also get a lot more done on the things that truly matter.Are there things you can remove from your life because they bring little value or take up your energy for other more important things? What holds value is totally up to you, but for me, things that help you physically and mentally, or help you connect with or serve others are things that should be a priority. For example, as much as I enjoy video games and shows on Netflix, I make sure that I don’t waste too much time on them so that I have energy to work on the things that are really important to me.Conclusion So the real question is, what are you doing each and every day to apply what you know? Are you practicing meditation and writing in your journal? Are you aware of the thoughts in your own mind and recognizing when you fall into thinking traps like catastrophizing or all or nothing thinking? Are you being mindful about how you treat other people? It’s creating systems that help you achieve these small things that you do every day that lead you to a better life. Just as wiping down the counters or making your bed or vacuuming the floors helps keep a house tidy, it’s the little things that keep us on the path to improvement. It’s being aware of your moods. It’s making sure that you are taking care of your health. It’s practicing mindfulness and making intentional choices each and every day that helps you progress. The little things are far more powerful to improving your life over the long term than grand gestures. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you think of yourself as a “self”? What if we had no part of us that was an enduring self? How would that change how you acted in the world? Today I want to talk about the idea of how we would view the world different if there was no self.Who Am “I”?

“It is not so much what happens to you as how you think about what happens.”

― Epictetus

“Your happiness depends on three things, all of which are within your power: your will, your ideas concerning the events in which you are involved, and the use you make of your ideas.”

—Epictetus

How do you think about yourself? Meaning, when you refer to the “I” that is you, what do you think of? I know for me, and a good number of people, we think of this “I”, the “me” part of us, as our core, as the pilot of our bodies and our consciousness. This is the “I” is also referred to as the ego, and we consider is a core part of our identity.The reason that I’m talking about this idea is that this morning I stumbled on an article (https://bigthink.com/the-well/eastern-philosophy-neuroscience-no-self) that claims that the self as most of us think about it does not exist. At first, I was skeptical, but as you well know, I’m always curious to take in other perspectives and if there is something useful that I can add to my world view. The author, Chris Niebauer is a neuropsychologist, and he does a pretty job of convincing me that there might not be a “self” in the way that we know it. Thinking of the “I”, the pilot that is us the navigates us through the world is pretty consistent in the western world. But in the eastern world, in traditions such as Buddhism, Taoism, and others, they hold the idea that there is no self and that what we think of as the “I” or ego, doesn’t actually exist. The self is just an illusion. The self then is a phenomenon that happens because of the process of thinking. That without thinking, the self does not exist. I think the best line in the article is when he says, “The self is more like a verb than a noun”, meaning that unless the mind is thinking there is no self. The self is a process, and only exists when thoughts are happening. As a side note, this might explain why we have around 60,000 thoughts a day, as the mind is in a constant cycle of reinforcing the self.He points out that neuroscience has made tremendous progress in the last few decades as far as mapping out what parts of the brain handle which tasks. We know where the language centers are. We know which areas of the brain handle recognizing faces or the emotions of others, but there is no place in the brain where the “self” resides. Split BrainNiebauer also talks about different experiments and incidents that have happened throughout the last century have taught us much about brain is creating our sense of self on the fly, that it is not something that is permanent and fixed. Where they made some real progress in this area was working with patients who had suffered from severe epilepsy. These patients had the corpus callosum, which is the communication layer between the two hemispheres, severed, so that they now live with what is called a “split brain”. In doing this, the patients no longer suffered from debilitating seizures, but their hemispheres no longer communicated properly. This allowed scientists to perform some fascinating experiments. They would give instructions to the right side of the brain by showing them cards with instructions to just one eye. The right brain is the acting portion, and so when they would show them cards with actions such as “stand” or “laugh”, the patient would stand or laugh. But when they would ask them why they stood or laughed, the left brain, which is the “interpreter”, would answer the question. Since the left side had no knowledge that the original instruction that came the right side of their brain, it would try to explain things by using what information it did have, and would make something up in an effort to make sense of what was going on. No-Self

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius

So what exactly does this mean? According to the author it means that there is no single self or pilot that is in control of us. The left hemisphere is constantly interpreting what it thinks is going on and gives meaning to it on the fly, which guides our actions. This interpreting process is what tells us in real time what we like or don’t like, if someone else is angry or sad. In other words, unless this interpreter is giving meaning to something, there is no self that is acting or piloting us. The other part that was interesting to me, is that the left brain was wrong, but was convinced that it was right. Even those of us with normal brains will try to make sense out of what we are experiencing and come up with an explanation. We hold onto that explanation and believe it to be correct, but we can see through those experiments that it is just a perspective and not necessarily the truth.For me as a software developer this idea of the self being a combination of thinking processes is easy to imagine. When you work on code in most modern languages, a program is not just some big monolithic file of code. It is usually built with different modules that handle different aspects of what the application needs. There’s the UI library that handles the visual elements and user interactions such as pushing a button, or clicking a checkbox. There are modules that help you make calls to external datasources. Each of these are combined and stitched together to create an application. There is no application unless all of these elements are working together and doing the things that they were designed to do.This also reminds we of how memories work in the human mind. We know for example that memories are not something that are just held in our minds like videos stored on a hard drive. Our brains actually recreate our memories on the fly each time we recall them, so each time we remember an event, we are not watching something fixed, but we are recreating something slightly different. It’s like our brain has the basic story and tries to fill it in. This is why when people are asked about things in the past at various times, they may remember things that are generally the same but over time they begin to change into something that isn’t really all that close to the original event.I Am Who I Think I Am

“I think, therefore I am who I think I am.”

— 2NU2

“There are two of the most immediately useful thoughts you will dip into. First that things cannot touch the mind: they are external and inert; anxieties can only come from your internal judgement. Second, that all these things you see will change almost as you look at them, and then will be no more. Constantly bring to mind all that you yourself have already seen changed. The universe is change: life is perspective.”

— Marcus Aurelius

So why is this important? Why should we worry about whether there is a self or not? For me, it is an interesting way to think of the mind. It shows that the stoics were quite ahead of their time. If the self is really just a construct of our thinking, and that, according to stoics, our thinking is one of the things that we have control over, then we have a lot more control over who we are as a person than we thought we had. In this view, the self is not some static unchanging entity sitting somewhere in our brain. We are a unique combination of ever changing thought processes and sensory inputs coming together at a specific moment in time. How we feel and think at any given moment in time is a combination of all of those elements, and therefore who we are is in a constant state change.If we look at the self as a product of our thinking, then who we think we are and how we think about ourselves is very important. Our self image, who we imagine ourself to be is something that is up to us. It is not a static thing. It is something that is always changing and more malleable than we like to think. I think this is why we are often easily swayed by the opinions of others. If our self is a product of our thinking, if we let others have too much influence over how we think, they can influence how we think and thereby change who we are.We Are What We Do

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

— Marcus Aurelius

Because we are in a constant state of change, and the self is always in flux, it is important that we have tools to help us on a daily basis. Because the self is not just a static, fixed thing, we can’t just do something once and expect it to be a lasting change. It is something that needs constant attention. This is why mindfulness, practices, rituals, and habits that help us to think better are so important for us to implement. By thinking better, we become a better person. We create a better self.The habits that we develop are thought patterns that have become engrained into a part of us to the point to where they are almost automatic. Therefore our habits are a part of our “self” as well. We are what we repeatedly do, which is why when we are able to understand the deeper thought patterns that drive our bad habits, it makes it easier to change them. Just trying to change a habit without understanding it is possible, but you are more likely to succeed when you understand why you have the habit.If we think of the self as thought, then meditation an important way to get to know ourselves. If you are unaware of the thoughts that you have each and every day, then it’s really hard to know who you are. Therefore a daily meditation practice allows us to know what we think. The more we know what we think, the more we understand what makes us who we are. As always, I’m going to recommend journalling as another way to get to know ourselves. If we hold this view that the self is nothing but thinking, then recording our thoughts is another way that we get to know ourselves. These podcast episodes are often an outgrowth of me just sitting down and writing about what I’m thinking in an effort to get to understand myself better. I’m also a strong proponent that clear writing leads to clear thinking, so the more time you spend writing and organizing your thoughts on the page, the better your thinking, and the better self you create.ConclusionThe idea that there is no real “self” and that we are simply a product of our thinking is a fascinating perspective. Just as with other theories of consciousness, it’s hard to say whether it is correct, but for me, I think it is certainly a useful model. If our self is created by our thinking, then we have the opportunity to choose who we want to be, and by improving our thinking, we improve our “self”.---
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Do you struggle with getting the things that you want in you life? Are you unhappy because you are unable to achieve the success you want in life? Today I want to talk about an idea call the Inverse Law of Desire, and how it may be keeping you from accomplishing your goals in life.

"We humans are unhappy in large part because we are insatiable; after working hard to get what we want, we routinely lose interest in the object of our desire. Rather than feeling satisfied, we feel a bit bored, and in response to this boredom, we go on to form new, even grander desires."

— William B. Irvine

We all have desires in our lives. These may be material items, achievements, or personal accomplishments. Maybe you want to have a partner or family or start your own business. Whatever it is, we all have something that we’re working for. But what if I told you that your desire might just be the thing that is getting in the way?Inverse Law of Desire

"Desire is a contract that you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want."

— Naval Ravikant

There’s an interesting phenomenon from the Tao Te Ching that I like to call “The Inverse Law of Desire”. It’s about how when we really want something, it can backfire on us and cause us more distress. The more you desperately want something, the more you feel the lack of it. The more you desire to be rich, the more acutely you’ll feel the lack of money you have. The more desperately you want to feel loved and accepted by others, the lonelier you’ll feel, regardless of who is around you and how much they support you. The more you desperately to cling to someone you love, the more likely you are to drive them away from you. I think a good example of this is in the realm of dating. When you’re out on a date and you’re trying to be funny, the more likely it is that you won’t be funny. The more you can relax and not try to impress your date, the more likely you’ll enjoy yourself and have a good time.The reasoning behind this inverse law is that when we desire something too strongly, what we actually want is the outcome, which is something that we can’t control. On the opposite side, when we are willing to accept negative experiences, the less negative they seem. It actually becomes a positive experience. The easier you can accept when something goes wrong, the easier it is to learn from it and move past it. If you want to learn more about how to accept negative experiences, you should listen to episode 260 - Suffer Well.Contentment

"I am happy because I want nothing from anyone. I do not care for money. Decorations, titles or distinctions mean nothing to me. I do not crave praise. The only thing that gives me pleasure, apart from my work, my violin and my sailboat, is the appreciation of my fellow workers."

— Albert Einstein

So how do we get better at making sure our desires don’t sabotage us? By learning to find contentment with what we have. People often think that if you are content, then you will not strive to achieve anything, that you will simply be apathetic and never accomplish anything in your life. This is a false paradox. Contentment is a state of mind that is not dependent on external circumstance. Contentment is a choice, and is completely under your control. It is the ultimate self sufficiency because you are happy and content under any conditions. Your happiness is not dependent upon things that are external to you. When you have mastered this, ironically, it becomes much easier to improve your external circumstances. This is why we need to learn to be content with what we have. When we can recognize and appreciate exactly where we are, then we are happy. We see that we don’t need anything more to make our lives complete. When we do this, then anything we strive for beyond our current state is because we choose it. We are able choose to do something from a place where we are already happy, rather than out of a place of stress and discontent.This is something that I’m struggling with right now. As I’m pivoting from being a software developer to building a community around this podcast, it has been challenging. I created a 30 day challenge course in last month about developing self-discipline that went pretty well the first round, but as I’m preparing for the next round next week, I’m finding it harder to attract students. At times, I can feel myself getting discouraged and want to quit because I really want this to succeed . The stress around not achieving the success that I want starts to seep over into my mood and impact my daily life. I have to work to be aware of this and remember that my life is still in a good place. I’m healthy, my kids are doing well, and even though there is a lot going on in my life, I’m doing okay. I also remind myself that in this big change that I’m making progress, I’m learning how to market my course and to get better on social media. Passion About the Process

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. "

— Marcus Aurelius

Some people think you need to be passionate about what you are doing, and I don’t disagree. Being passionate about something can be a great driver, but often we are passionate about wanting the outcome of something. If you only do things when you feel passionate about them, then your effort may fall by the wayside when that passion dissipates. If passion were the only thing needed to become great at something, then I would be a Broadway singer, a famous movie actor, and a pro cyclist. What you need to be passionate about is the process. You need to be passionate about doing the work. You need to be passionate about consistently putting the effort and the time needed to accomplish your goals. For example, great athletes love to practice as much as they love to compete. If you just rely on passion, then when things are hard, you may not show up and get the work done. Self-Acceptance

"The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves."

— Alan Watts

Often times we have strong desires for something because we feel like we are somehow incomplete or lacking. We may feel like we have to achieve something in order to be fulfilled or feel worthy. But the thing is, if we are unhappy with ourselves and who we are, then achieving something does not cure that discontent. That feeling of discontent is something that is internal, and achievements are external. The key to being content with what we have is being content with who we are. Everything else is external to us, and therefore is not something that we can control. If self-acceptance is something that you struggle with, I highly recommend that you listen to episode 218 - Accept Yourself. There is great exercise that I talk about in that episode which was highly transformative for me. Managing Desires

"A man thus grounded must, whether he wills or not, necessarily be attended by constant cheerfulness and a joy that is deep and issues from deep within, since he finds delight in his own resources, and desires no joys greater than his inner joys."

— Seneca

"Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions."

— Epictetus

When we learn how to manage our desires, then we are better able to pursue them because we choose to do so. We can pursue things because we decide they will make us better people and will help us grow, not because we believe they are a cure for our unhappiness. If we can learn to be happy, or at the very least be at peace in our current situation, then we are able to operate from a place where we are in a better mindset. When we are stressed or discontent, it closes down our thinking. It’s harder to maintain an optimistic outlook. When we get stuck looking at the pessimistic view, then we are restricting our view of what is possible. We might still accomplish what we need, but we doing it feeling stressed, rather than enjoying the process. This is where learning to be dispassionate can give you a healthy perspective on something. By taking a step back and being able to view things from a rational and less emotion driven perspective can help you focus on doing the work and not tying your happiness to the outcome. This is what Steven Pressfield calls “turning pro”. You do the work because it’s your job. You show up and get it done because it’s what you agreed to do with yourself. I mean we all have shown up to jobs and did the work, even when we really didn’t want to because we needed to pay the bills. Applying that same attitude to things we are passionate about will help carry you through the tough times.Conclusion Learning to be content with what you have might be one of the best tool to helping you achieve your goals. When we are a slave to our desires, we are trying to control things that we don’t have control over, namely the outcome. When we can learn to be content with what we have and more importantly with who we are, then we can pursue our desires from a place of calm, even-mindedness, and in control of our desires.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Do you worry about what others think of you? Does it keep you from doing or saying things that you would like do? Today I want to talk about thinking errors and projection and how we can use stoic ideas to clean up our thinking.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”

— Epictetus

A lot of what we do in our lives is geared towards what we imagine others think about us. We act certain ways, wear certain clothes, or buy certain things because we think that we will somehow gain approval or fit in with some certain kind of group by doing so.But if we really think about it, we really don’t know what others are actually thinking about us. We are really just making assumptions and guessing based on our life experience and our own thoughts about ourselves. What Others Think About UsAbout a year ago, I did an episode about self acceptance which I consider one of my best and most important episodes. If you want to go back and listen to it, it’s episode 218. The reason that it was such an important episode for me is that I had learned some hard lessons about how I was not very accepting of myself. Because of this, I had low self esteem, and I felt like I was just not a very good person. At that time, I decided to figure out what it was that was so awful about me. I did an exercise where I made a list of everything that I didn’t like about myself. I realized that if I was going to work on self acceptance, I really needed to understand what I wasn’t accepting about myself. After I wrote down everything I didn’t like about myself, I realized that about half the items on the list weren’t things I didn’t like about myself, but were actually things that I thought others didn’t like about me. To be clear, these were not things that others had told me they didn’t like about me, they were stories that my mind made up. As part of that practice I discarded those things because they didn’t fit my criteria. But it was a powerful lesson about how our minds will make up stories to keep things consistent. Meaning, if you believe that you are an awful person, your mind will try to find proof to back it up. It will catalog everything you do that you feel reflects negatively on you as proof of your belief. If it is unable to find things, it will begin to reinterpret things in such a way so that it helps to prove you right. Because our minds seek to make sense of the world and create the consistency that it needs, our thoughts about ourselves are incredibly important. In fact, how we think about ourselves is far more important than what anyone else thinks about us. Who we think we are, guides our choices, which leads to the kind of life we have. We take actions because we think they are in line with who we are as a person. Our minds try to help us stay consistent with our identity.For example, when I was religious, I said and did things that in hindsight I really wasn’t sure I believed in, but I repeated them because it’s what I was told was the truth about the world. Because I had a certain identity, I acted in accordance with that identity. Once I started questioning things, I chose my own belief system that felt more aligned with being the kind of person I wanted to be. So why do we we get caught up so much in what other people think of us? There are a number of reasons.Social CreaturesWe are social creatures and we thrive when we are part of a community. We are built to connect with other people and other people are a mirror of ourselves. It is through other people that we get to know who we are. For example, how do we know if we are a kind person if we have no one else to be kind to? Because we want to fit in with our community, we are constantly trying to be aware of social cues and body language. But, it is all a guess on our side. We may think we know what a certain look or sigh means, but we can easily misinterpret things, and since we really do not have direct knowledge of what most people think of us, we make assumptions. We fill in the gaps because we don’t know what someone else might think of us. The problem with filling in the gaps is that we tend to assume that others think like we do. So if we don’t really like ourselves, we assume that others won’t like us either. We may even treat them poorly simply because we assume they dislike us, based upon our own assumptions. They may have done nothing for us to be able to make a clear judgment about how they feel about us, so we’re really just guessing.You Spot It, You Got It

“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”

— Marcus Aurelius

In psychology, there is a term called projection. The idea behind projection is that often people will accuse others of something that they are struggling with. For example, if someone is cheating on a partner, they will often accuse the other person of cheating. If someone is insecure, they may project those insecurities on other people and accuse them of the very thing they are afraid of. Often, we project on to others the things we are afraid to look at about ourselves. As one of my therapists would say, “You spot it, you got it.” This is why people seem to be rather hypocritical when they point out the flaws of other yet seem completely oblivious to their own similar behaviors. For example, someone who often dominates conversations may accuse others of doing the exact same thing without recognizing their own behavior. Now, it is not always going to be the case that noticing someone else’s behavior means that you have the same flaw. But if there is something that someone else is doing that really frustrates you, take a moment to see if you might be projecting some of your own thoughts, ideas, or fears onto this other person.Out of Our Control

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”

— Marcus Aurelius

The stoics have long reminded us that what others think about us is not something that is under our control. We could be the kindest and most generous person in the world, and yet someone may form an opinion of us that is unflattering.Since we have no control over what they think of us, we need to get comfortable with others not liking us. They may even hate us and there is little that we can do about it. And it doesn’t even matter why dislike us. They could be misinformed. They may have reasons that really have nothing to do with us. Nonetheless, we need to recognize that it is out of our control and not let what others think of us change how we act.But, if I’m being honest, it’s hard to let go of what others think of us. Because we are social creatures, we get caught up in wanting to be liked, which is again something that is out of our control. Any time we do things to get others to like us, we are giving control of our happiness to someone else. So how can we get better about not worrying what others think about us, and also be aware of the assumptions and projections that we make about others?Just the Facts

“Accustom yourself to attend carefully to what is said by another, and as much as it is possible, try to inhabit the speaker’s mind.”

—Marcus Aurelius

One thing we can do it take time to be sure that we are basing our judgments of others off of the facts. If we aren’t working off of what we actually know, there is a good chance that we are making unfair assumptions or projections.One way that projection showed up for me was with my former partner. When we would get in to arguments I would accuse her of hating me, or thinking all kinds of rotten things about me. Now these were things she had never even said, but were things that I thought about myself. I would twist things that she said to make them sound like she had said mean or cruel things to me, all in an effort to somehow prove that I was as awful as I thought I was. Basically, I thought I was not a very good person, so I would unfairly project all those thoughts onto her.Know Thyself

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”

— Marcus Aurelius

An important step to make progress in this area is to get to really know yourself. By knowing what you think of yourself and the world, you’ll be more likely to notice when you project your thoughts or ideas onto others. I talk a lot about meditation and journalling on this podcast, and the main reason is, they are great tools for getting to know yourself. I know that many people talk about how hard meditation is, and they are not wrong. Our minds are constantly noticing the world around us, as well as constantly moving back and forth from the past to trying to predict the future. Meditation is one of the best ways to exert your will over your mind. It is how you get started in knowing what you are thinking. Awareness is the first step in change, and meditation is how you become aware of your thinking. The more awareness we have of our own minds, the better we are able to direct our thinking.When it comes to journaling, for me I think of it as my third mind. We all have the part of our mind that is the observer, as well as the active part which is more of the doer. When you put your thoughts down on a page, they are much easier to work with because you are no longer trying to remember them. It also gives space for the observer and doer parts of your mind to work together. You’ll start to make connections that you never made before. You may even hit some deeper parts of yourself that will surprise you.Get to Like Yourself

“When someone is properly grounded in life, they shouldn’t have to look outside themselves for approval.”

— Epictetus

After you get to know yourself, get to like yourself. We all spend so much time worrying about if others like us, but focusing on getting to like yourself is for more productive. I know I enjoy spending my time around those who are truly comfortable in their own skin. They’re happy with who they are, so anyone else’s opinion of them doesn’t change how they feel about themselves. They don’t also don’t need to tear down anyone else to make themselves feel better.Getting to like yourself is also something that you have control over. You can decide to like yourself at any moment and immediately boost your mood. Now, I know this is not always an easy thing. I know that I get caught up in some negative thought loops about how I’m not a very good person or that people shouldn’t like me for all sorts of reasons. Usually it’s because I have some expectations that I think I have to meet in order to be considered a good person. I’m working on just letting go of this way of thinking and just accepting myself for exactly who I am. If this is something you struggle with, I highly recommend listening to episode 218 - Accept Yourself and doing the exercise that I talk about. It was a real game changer for me.Principles

“The tranquility that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think, or do. Only what you do.”

— Marcus Aurelius

The last and most important thing that you can do to not get bog down by the opinions of others is to live your principles the best you can. How we live our lives is one of the only things that is truly under our control. If we live according to our principles, then what others think or say about us doesn’t really matter. We uphold our principles regardless of the situation or what others think of us. As long as we hold to our core principles and act in a way that we consider honorable, then we should be confident with our choices and actions. We don’t need to defend ourselves for doing what we think is right.ConclusionWorrying about what others think of us is not always an easy thing to do. We are social creatures and having that external validation feels good, but it is something that have no control over. When we learn to focus on what we can control, namely our own thinking and choices, we become more resilient. When we improve our own opinion about ourselves and like ourselves, then what others think of us has a far less impact on us. And, in my own experience, the happiest people I know are those that truly like and accept themselves just the way they are. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you give up on things because they’re hard? How willing are you to suffer for the things that you truly want in your life? Today I want to talk about how to get what you want, and why it’s important to learn how to suffer well.

"Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind."

— Seneca

Life is SufferingThe first principle in Buddhism is that life is full of suffering. It is something that we cannot avoid. But, once we accept that life is full of suffering, it makes it so the suffering isn’t so bad. The idea that there should not be suffering, actually leads to more suffering, because we waste time and energy on what we think should be, rather than what actually is. When we accept that life is full of suffering, it is acceptance of reality.We can see the importance of suffering in religious traditions. Jesus is said to have fasted in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights before he began to preach. The Buddha spent many years fasting and putting himself through physical hardship to reach enlightenment. Shamans in many cultures must endure physical trials before they are considered worthy to guide others. Prophets and teachers were not considered worthy unless they have suffered. In our time, so much of our lives are centered around seeking comfort, but what if we took the time in our lives to practice suffering well? What if rather than avoiding uncomfortable things, you embraced them? What if rather than seeking comfort in your life, you sought out things that were hard, things that made you suffer by choice? The reason I was thinking about this topic is that yesterday I went out for my longest bike ride for the season yet. It was just under 30 miles and was quite challenging because I haven’t been out riding as regularly as I’d like to. As I was out straining and climbing the hills south of my home, I was thinking about how I had missed riding, and how much I loved pushing myself to see how much faster and stronger I could get. I thought about how much I was willing to suffer to become a better rider. For a little backstory, I started cycling back in 2003. I was living in Minnesota at the time, and I was not in very good shape. I had been overweight for a number of years, mostly out of laziness. I wasn’t in very good health and had all kinds of digestive issues because my diet was very unhealthy. One Sunday afternoon, I watched the Ironman triathlon that takes place in Hawaii every year. This was the first time I’d ever watched it, and I was entranced. Watching the stories of the participants and what it took to get there was pretty intense, and very inspiring. Here were people who were willing to sacrifice and suffer to see how hard they could push themselves.It reminded me of how intense wrestling practices had been in high school. I remembered how I looked forward to that intensity because even though it was hard. On the mat, I learned how to push myself further that I thought I could. I learned that even when I thought I was done, I could pull a little more out of me.So on that day in 2003, watching those triathletes push their limits, I decided that I needed to get off my ass and get back in shape. I decided that I would start training for triathlons. I began attending spin classes at my gym. I hit the treadmill. I even started swimming laps, which was something I had never really liked. At first, it was really hard. I would finish up spin classes completely drenched in sweat. My pace on the treadmill and my lap times in the pool were embarrassingly slow. But I kept at it. I decided that I was going to be a triathlete, and that was that. It was worth suffering for. A little over a year later, I did my first triathlon. It was a short course, so nothing near as hard as a full Ironman. I had also lost a lot of weight, and was in the best shape of my life since high school wrestling. After that I found that I was drawn more to cycling than triathlons, so I changed my focus. Nonetheless, I still appreciated the struggle and was happy to suffer a few times a week in the saddle. There’s just something incredible feeling about pushing yourself to those limits. Now please note, I’m not saying this to toot my own horn. Over the past 10 years, I let my riding fall by the wayside. I could have carved out time for it, but I found excuses for why I didn’t get out and ride. Even this week, I could have ridden at least one more day, but came up with some excuse of why I should skip it. It’s challenging, and sometimes I don’t feel like I have it in me to suffer that much. Sometimes it’s only after I’m done that I appreciate the struggle.Resilience

“Pain is neither intolerable nor everlasting if you bear in mind that it has its limits, and if you add nothing to it in imagination.”

—Marcus Aurelius

So why is it important to suffer for something?When we suffer for something we learn to be resilient. When other things in our life fall apart, we are able to draw upon the lessons we learned from suffering and apply them somewhere else. We know that even though things seem really bad, that we can keep pushing through till things get better. We can handle uncomfortable things, because we have practiced doing so. We increase our tolerance for the slog. We know that we can continue to push through the parts that suck. We step up and face things that we are afraid of. We learn how to focus under stress. Embrace DiscomfortWhen we suffer for something, we learn to not avoid discomfort, but we turn to it and embrace it. We recognize that if we want to grow we need to go towards the things that are hard, the things that we might rather avoid. We can see that these are the things that will make us grow. When life throws challenges your way, because you know how to handle suffering, you are better able to navigate life’s challenges. You’ve already practiced how to keep going and how to manage yourself when things suck.DisciplineProbably the most obvious thing we learn from suffering, is discipline. When we have decided that something is worth suffering for, and we continually push ourselves through it, we develop the skills to get ourselves to do what we want to do, even when it sucks. When we look at what we need to do to accomplish our goals, we don’t seek out the comfortable option. We seek out the most effective option, even if it’s hard because we know that we can handle hard things. Learning to suffer well also helps develop emotional discipline. Because we have increased our capacity to suffer, we are far less reactive. We can sit with discomfort because it’s something we’re used to. We’re okay with not everything being comfortable in our lives.Confidence

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it."

— Epictetus

One of the things that happens when we learn how to suffer well is we become more confident in our abilities. We learn where our edges are and that we can push ourselves much further than we previously thought. If we are continually taking the easy path, we never really discover our strength. We don’t know how much we can really take until we push our limits.We also find inner strengths that we may not have even known we had. We learn how to function well in hard situations. Since we are rarely actually pushed to our limits, when we practice doing so, we’re more likely to keep a clear mind when disasters strike or we find ourselves in challenging circumstances.Purpose Another reason why we should learn to suffer well is to develop a stronger sense of purpose. If you have never worked hard for something in your life, you have never really stretched yourself. You’ve never pushed yourself hard enough to see what you really can do. If you’ve never sacrificed for something you’ve never worked for something that you have found to be valuable enough to sacrifice for. It means that you have lived a pretty unremarkable life.The harder we have to work, the more we have to overcome to achieve something, the more it means to us. If it’s too easy, it’s boring. If it never tests your strength or stretches you, then it doesn’t feel all that rewarding to accomplish it. This is something that I constantly have to remind myself when I hit something hard that I’m working on. There’s a part of me that wants it to be easy, and to just work the way I want it. But if it’s something that I have to put effort into, the feeling that I get when something finally clicks, or something works out after I put effort into it is very rewarding.Do I Really Have to Suffer?Now I know that I’ve talked a lot about physical suffering in the episode, but that’s because physical suffering is a good teacher. Your willingness to push through when something is physically demanding takes a lot of mental discipline to keep at it when your body wants you to turn away and quit. When you can develop the necessary mental fortitude to push through something physical, you can transfer the skills onto other areas of your life. This is often why people join the military. They want to develop the mental and physical toughness to help them face the challenges of life head on. When you develop this kind of skill, it makes it easier to set goals and to go after what you want. When you hit a roadblock, you don’t just throw up your hands and quit. You know how to stick with things even when it’s difficult.The other reason why I think physical challenges and suffering are helpful is because progress is pretty easy to measure. When you push yourself physically you will get stronger. You’ll be able to run or ride further and faster. You develop mastery over your body, and since we experience the world in our bodies, experiencing the full capabilities of your body is truly a wonderful experience. Doing something physical is also really good for your mental health. I know that when I come back from a long ride my mind is usually clearer. I have a sense of calm from both the exertion and the endorphins, which often spills over into the next day. Pain Or Pleasure?I want you to consider this idea - that we really only truly suffer because of what we make something mean. When I’m climbing the hills on my bike, I don’t really consider it suffering in the traditional sense. Yes, my calves burn and have to generously use my massage gun on them once I get home, but because it’s something that I enjoy, I don’t really consider it suffering. It doesn’t mean that it’s not hard and at times painful, but I consider it pleasure because I know that it’s making me stronger, and I love how it feels when I’ve finished a ride. What Are You Willing To Suffer For?

“Start living in discomfort. Gradually increase it little by little, and you will steadily grow. If you want sudden growth, deluge yourself in great discomfort and do not retreat from it. The more discomfort you are willing to bear, the more you can grow.”

@TheAncientSage (twitter)

So what are you willing to suffer for? Is there something in your life that you would like to do that is hard and would push you to your limits? Maybe running or swimming or rowing? If you’re not in good shape, consider just getting outside and walking every day. Do something that challenges you physically, and note how it affects your mental state. I would bet after 30 days of challenging yourself physically that your overall mental state would be much improved. If you’re willing to share, I’ll put post on instagram @stoic.coffee where you can share with me what you’re willing to suffer for. I’d love to hear what you’re willing to suffer for.ConclusionWhen we seek a life of comfort, we’re playing things safe. We aren’t pushing our limits. We aren’t living our best lives. When we decide to actively push ourselves and suffer for something, we not only improve our physical health, but the mental discipline and resilience we develop spill over to other parts of our lives. We know that we can push through discomfort to reach the the goals that we want, all because we learned how to suffer well. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you have enemies? Are there people that you don’t like? Are there people who don’t like you? May there is someone who makes your life more difficult? Today I want to talk about the importance of having people in our lives that challenge us.

“There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself - an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.”

— Antisthenes

One of the hardest things for us as social creatures is to deal with our enemies. Now when I use the word enemy in this episode, I mean everyone from people in our social circles that we don’t like, to romantic or business rivals, and everything in between. There are plenty of people that we probably don’t like and plenty that may not like us.And believe it or not, it’s a good thing to have enemies. Enemies

“Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it.”

— Tim Fargo

“Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.”

— Antisthenes

One of the hardest things for us to do is to be honest with ourselves. Our mind likes to play tricks on us, so we will often change how we remember things so that it put us in a better light. We will change our interpretation of things so that when we make mistakes, that we still come out looking good. We will fudge reality so that we are still the good guy in a story, even if we have done things that, deep down, we know were not things that aligned with our principles. Our friends will let things slide and often let us get by with not being our best or taking the best course of action. They may be more likely to comfort us and say the things we want to hear. They might not call us out when we backslide or try to weasel out of owning up to our mistakes. If our friends approve of everything we do and let us get away with everything, we would never improve. We should seek out those who tell us when we’re not holding up our principles. We should listen to those who are honest enough to call us out. This is why having enemies is important. Enemies will not let us forget the things that we have done. When we make mistakes or screw up, they are the first to point them out and call us out when we don’t act according to our principles and values. Our enemies are the ones that challenge us to live up to what we say we will do and call us out when we don’t. They will find our smallest flaws and are not afraid to point them out. This is why our enemies can be our best friends. This can be very frustrating and we might even get angry about it, but it can be the fastest way to see if we are living up to our principles.The Truth

“If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself, if it’s a lie, laugh at it.”

— Epictetus

Recently, I found out that an old friend of mine that I used to be closed to quite dislikes me now. At first I was upset and thought they were being unfair because they disliked me for some of my behavior in past that had nothing to do with them. But as I was talking to a mutual friend they pointed out the fact that I had actually done these things in the past, and rather than complain about them not liking me, I needed to step up and do better. While I didn’t like to own up to my past behavior, they were not wrong. Some of my behavior in the past wasn’t great. I realized that how they perceived me was not under my control. There is nothing I can to do change the past, nor little I can do to directly change their opinion of me. The only thing I can do is to be the person that I want to be. I have no control over what others think of me, only my choices and the actions I take. If this person dislikes me, and I’m holding to my principles and values, then they are not the kind of person I want to be around. Hold To Your Principles

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

— Winston Churchill

Now, just because someone is unhappy with something that we do doesn’t mean that they are right and that we need to change to make them happy. There are times when we will do things that others may not like, but it’s the right thing to do. We need to have the courage to be ourselves regardless of what other people think of us. We need to build our character and follow our principles in such a dedicated manner that the choices we make and the actions we take are aligned with who we want to be. If we constantly change our choices and actions based upon what others might think, then we really need to take a look at ourselves and make sure that we know what our core principles and beliefs are. When we live by building our character and not worry about what other think of us, we rarely need to apologize for how we act. If someone is upset with us because they don’t like something we have done or said, we should see if we have done something against our principles.If we find that we haven’t lived up to our standards when dealing with other people, we should be quick to apologize. We don’t apologize because someone is upset with us, but because we have failed to uphold our principles. If someone is upset with us and we have upheld our principles, then there is no need to apologize. We never need to apologize for upholding our principles and doing what we think is the right thing.Expand You World

“If anyone can refute me‚ show me I’m making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective‚ I’ll gladly change. It’s the truth I’m after.”

— Marcus Aurelius

One of the main reasons why we should listen to those we don’t like is because we don’t have all the answers. When I was in the Mormon church, there was a strong emphasis of not reading or listening to those that disagreed with the teachings of the church. This close-minded way of acting in the world was something that always rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why should we be afraid of listening to those who don’t think like we do? Shutting yourself off from ideas don’t support your worldview will actually make you mentally weaker. If your way of viewing the world is so good, then you should be able to listen to new ideas, logically see the mistakes in them, and dismiss them. By engaging with opposing points of view we make our own arguments stronger because our opponents can point out the weaknesses.By taking the time to listening to ideas we don’t agree with, we may actually find some new ideas that we can use to make our lives better. No one has a monopoly on good ideas. As smart or as great as we think you are, we don’t know the best way to do everything. We thrive as a culture because we have all kinds of new ideas and we challenge old ways of thinking. If it’s a good idea, there’s a good chance that it will stand up to scrutiny. Then we take what works, and do our best spread those ideas. I mean, that’s what I’m doing with my podcast. I try to take the best ideas that I can find, apply them in my life, and help spread them around to others so that they can use these ideas to improve their lives. Hopefully, they can improve on these ideas so that I can learn and use the new and improved versions. Don’t get so attached to your own ideas such that you think they are the only way something can be done. Doing so means that your ego is in the way.Defeat Your Enemy

“Your enemies cannot make you hate them, define you, or make you obsessively think about them, only you can do that.”

— Carmine Savastano

One of the most important reasons why we should try to understand our enemies, is because spending energy on hating others makes your life miserable. When we consider someone to be our enemy, we are blaming them for something that is wrong in our lives. We believe that if they would just act a certain way, then everything would be fine. In a sense, we are trying to control something that we do not have control over. Letting go of anger makes your life more positive and focuses your energy on things that are more useful.Conclusion

“An honorable man is fair even to his enemies; a dishonorable man is unfair even to his friends!”

― Mehmet Murat ildan

If you have someone in your life that you consider an enemy, I want you to think about why. Do they act in a way that you find distasteful? Are they mean or cruel to others? If their behavior is something that goes against your principles, then it may be it’s someone that is not good to have in your life. In that case, use them as an example of what not to be and learn by watching their mistakes.But, if it is because they make you uncomfortable by pointing out the truth, it may be time to try and build a bridge. Then maybe this person is more of a friend than you might think. This may be someone with enough character to tell you what you need to hear, and an honest enemy is better than a friend who only tells you what you want to hear.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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How do you handle change? Does it overwhelm you? Do you try to ignore it or do you embrace it? Today I want to talk about understanding change and how we can use stoicism to help us through some rocky times.

“Nothing endures but change.”

— Heraclitus

“There are two of the most immediately useful thoughts you will delve into. First that things cannot touch the mind: they are external and inert; anxieties can only come from your internal judgement. Second, that all these things you see will change almost as you look at them, and then will be no more. Constantly bring to mind all that you yourself have already seen changed. The universe is change: life is perspective.”

— Marcus Aurelius

ChangeChange is the only constant in the universe and is something that everyone has to deal with in life. There is simply no way to avoid it. Life is change. When you stop changing, you’re dead. As much as we like variety in life, most of us enjoy stability or the sameness of life. This is why we don’t get up and move every day. We like finding a place to live, people to be friends with, stores that we regularly shop at. There is a certain comfort that comes with familiarity. We see this in all areas of our lives. When we go to the store, we like to know where the things are that we want and get frustrated when things are moved to a new aisle. We will often buy the same brand of shoe year after year because we like the fit or the look. We go to the same restaurants or bars because we feel comfortable with the decor, the staff, and the food. When it comes to work we will often stay at jobs we don’t like because the amount of changed involved feels like it will be too much. Looking for a new job, learning new skills, and possibly moving can seem daunting and cause us to not take action. Starting your own company or working for yourself may be a dream that never gets fulfilled simply because there is too much change involved. When it comes to people, we have friendships that last for years because they bring us connection and community. We will often hold onto not so great friendships simply because we have had them for a while. People may stay in romantic relationships even when both partners are unhappy simply because making that big of change is too scary. There’s a comfort with what we know, and even if we may not feel that close anymore, there’s a familiarity that is not easy to let go of. We like things to stay the same.We always have the opportunity to make changes and choose different things in our lives. This is something that many of us don’t really think much about. We forget that at any time we can decide to change our lives. Often it isn’t until something big happens to knock us out of our comfort zone that we try something new, and that’s often because we have no choice. Adrift

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.“

— M. Scott Peck

The reason that I’m discussing this topic this week is because my life has been hit with a lot of changes over past year. My kids are out of the house and living their own lives. They’re doing a great job being adults, and I’m proud of them, but I’m not longer a caregiver in that sense any more. My romantic relationship of almost 10 years came to an end and it’s been a struggle to process it and move on. I was laid off from work a few months ago and even though my skills are usually in high demand, I haven’t even gotten a first interview. On top of that I’m selling my house because I don’t need this much space for one person. I’ve also decided to move to Europe after I get my house sold, though I’m still unsure where I’ll end up. Talk about massive changes.This last weekend I went camping at a regional Burning Man music and art festival. For me, events like this are always a place for reflection and processing hard things in my life. It’s a space to get away from daily life and slow down. It was a hard weekend in some ways because I realized how adrift I felt. So many of core parts of my life have shifted in such dramatic ways that at times I feel overwhelmed. I took the time this weekend to reconnect with friends and really think about my next steps in life. So, with that said, I want to talk about some of the things that I learned over the past few months about how to deal with with big changes in our lives in the most effective way.First, I want to talk about some of the challenging emotions that we face when we have big changes that happen in our lives. Fear

“Fear is the basis of all suffering. Both desire and anger are manifestations of fear. Fear itself is a creation of your mind. It does not exist independently. Since it is a fabrication, you don’t have to fight it. Just understand it. Understanding is the key to freedom.”

@TheAncientSage (twitter)

We often feel fear when there is a change in our lives because we were comfortable with the way things were, and we’re scared of the unknown, we’re scared of the future. While we rationally understand that the future is never something we can know, when we are in a comfortable place in our lives, our minds get used to it and we act as if life will continue on the same. When we start to worry about the future, we will often fall into the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing, which is where we imagine the worse case scenario and believe that is what is going to happen to us. We start to assume that things can only get worse and will never be as good as they were. If we lose a job, we might worry about how we’re going to pay our bills. We may believe that we will never find another job. If a relationship ends we may feel like we will never find another relationship where we are loved again.GriefThere are many emotions that come up when grapple with change. Grief is probably the heaviest one to deal with. What grief is really about is struggling with change. It’s about recognizing that from the moment of that loss, that life will no longer be the same. When I talk about grief, I’m not just talking about the death of someone we care about. It can mean any significant loss that we facing. It could be the death of a loved one or even just someone we admire. It could mean the end of a significant relationship. It could mean the loss of a job that we really loved. It could be the loss of a home or a pet, or even moving to a new city. When there is something that holds importance to us, we feel like it’s a part of our life. When that loss occurs, we feel like we are losing a part of our lives. Since we are social creatures, we integrate people into part of our lives. We know who we are by our interactions with other people. When we lose someone close to us, it can feel like we are losing a part of ourselves, and in a way we are because our lives aren’t just us as a single person, but us as part of a community. Losing a job can also be something that can cause a lot of grief. We may feel a lack of purpose in our lives if our job is a defining part of our identity. I know some people identify so strong with their careers that they feel like they aren’t themselves if they aren’t dong their kind of work. When a romantic relationship ends we can often feel a great deal of loss. When we have someone that is so entwined in our lives, they really are a part of us. You feel like you are missing your other half. Loneliness always lurks around the corner. You miss that comfort of the other person that knows you so well and has been your support. Your social life changes pretty drastically as well. As much as they try not to, friends may divide themselves onto one side or the other. Attending events without your former partner feels strange. You often feel like you will never be loved again like that person loved us. So how do we deal with big changes in our lives? I think that the hardest part for any of us is to let go of the resistance that we put up when big changes come along in our lives. We don’t want things to change, and the more we can flow with the changes, the easier we’ll be able to see and embrace the opportunities ahead. We’ll be able to take actions that will help us move forward into the future with confidence.Feel It

“No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.”

— Alan Watts

I think the most important thing we can do when we struggle these heavy emotions is to give ourselves time to fully feel them. The worst thing you can do is to try and ignore them or repress them. When the stoics talk about living according to nature, for me that includes feeling your emotions. Every one of us has emotions which is part of our nature. The notion that stoics do not feel emotions is wrong. We just work on trying to manage our emotions in a healthy and productive way. When we feel fear, we need to lean in, feel it, and understand why it is there. We can talk with our friends about the fear that we are feeling. I know for me I will often feel so much better just talking about the things that I’m afraid of. I talk about my worries of the future so that they are out of my head. Once they’re out in the open it’s easier to talk about what I can do about them. It also makes it easier to see that they aren’t really all that scary, and that people throughout history have dealt with massive changes in their lives and they have not only survived, but plenty have thrived.

“It is better to conquer grief than to deceive it.”

— Seneca

When it comes to grief, I think that it’s really important to let yourself feel it. The more you try to ignore grief, the more it will sink you. When you feel a loss so big that it causes you grief, you really are losing a part of yourself, and you need to mourn that loss. If you don’t process that grief, you are simply delaying something that your mind needs to work through. Talk with a good friend, and if it’s too much for them to handle, find a good therapist. There is no shame in grieving. Even the mighty Spartans grieved over those lost in battle. Premeditato Malorum

“This is why we need to envisage every possibility and to strengthen the spirit to deal with the things which may conceivably come about. Rehearse them in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck. Misfortune may snatch you away from your country… If we do not want to be overwhelmed and struck numb by rare events as if they were unprecedented ones; fortune needs envisaging in a thoroughly comprehensive way.”

—Seneca

One of the best ways that we can prepare for dealing with fear, grief, and anxiety about change is to take some time and imagine the worst possible scenario. Now I know this feels like it’s falling into a catastrophizing mindset, but premeditatio malorum is about thinking through all possible cases while you are in a safe place. You prepare yourself mentally to go to a darker place, all from the safety of your own mind. I recommend either writing in your journal, talking to a good friend you trust, or even a therapist. The more you just let them float around in your mind, the scarier than can seem, so get them out of your head. You can set out a basic format of listing all the things that can go wrong, and then think about ways you could handle them should they arise. You can work backwards and think about ways that you can prepare for them and maybe even see ways that you can prevent them. Acceptance and Appreciation

“Don’t demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible.”

— Epictetus

The next big area I want to focus on is acceptance and appreciation. The stoics teach us that it is important to practice amor fati, that we learn to love our fate. Life is going to throw things at you whether you like it or not. The universe doesn’t care how you feel about it, so doing your best to love what gets sent your way is a way to keep yourself from feeling overwhelmed when big changes come. When you can learn to appreciate the hard things and the lessons they teach you, then you are more likely to see them as opportunities than challenges.

“Change is never painful, only your resistance to change is painful.”

— Buddhist proverb

In many ways, all the hard things that have happened to me have pushed me to step up and take more responsibility for my life. I don’t really have the option to just sit back and coast. Since I’m unemployed, I’ve had to step up and figure out how to cover my expenses. When I lost my job a few months ago, I didn’t stress out about it nor did I get mad at my former boss. I just recognized that it was just a part of life and that now I had time to work on other things that I didn’t have time for in the past. Since then I created a 30 day challenge stoic challenge course for my listeners. I’ve been working on setting up mastermind groups and private coaching. I’ve been learning about marketing and creating content. I’ve also been practicing piano more often, exercising every day, and taking steps to improve my health. I’ve taken time to grieve over the loss from my relationship ending, and also appreciated the great things that I gained from that relationship.Another thing I realized with all the big changes happening is that even though I do feel adrift, it’s okay. I realized that rather than feeling anxiety that things are so unsettled and wishing that things were more certain, I decided I to get comfortable with things being adrift and trust that at some point in the future things will be more solid. I’ve accepted that I’m just going to feel untethered, and that I need to stop resisting and do my best just flow with the changes. Conclusion

“Life is a storm that will test you unceasingly. Don’t wait for calm waters that may not arrive. Derive purpose from resilience. Learn to sail the raging sea.”

— @TheStoicEmperor (twitter)

Life never goes according to plan nor according to our desires, and to be honest, I think that’s a good thing. If life went exactly the way that we wanted we’d be rather bored. It’s the challenges and the hardships that we overcome that make life interesting and exciting. When we have to stretch and work for what comes next, that’s when we grow. That’s when we learn how to accomplish great things. That’s when we feel most alive. When we accept what happens to us and figure out how to make the best of what comes our way, then we are truly living life like a stoic.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Are you afraid to take risks? Do you continually play it safe? Are you living a life that is comfortable but unchallenging? Today I want to talk about how we can push ourselves to take more risks and live life more fully.

While we wait for life, life passes.

—Seneca

Our brains are always looking to keep us safe in any situation. It’s part of the reason why we have evolved as a species and why we are the dominant species on the planet. Because our brains catalog things that can cause us harm, we are able to avoid situations that would be detrimental to our safety, and we survive.But survival is not the same thing as thriving. We might be able to feed ourselves, take care of our basic needs, but this is not the same thing as living a great life. A great life, to me, is one where we are able to take our skills, talents, and ambitions and live a life where we continually become better versions of ourselves. We use our talents to make the world a little better.PurposePeople often wonder what the purpose of life is, and to be honest, I think the purpose of life is figure out what makes a good life for you, then live that. This is challenging because it takes a willingness to explore. It takes a willingness to be uncomfortable and try new things, and what makes a good life at one time in your life will be very different at another time in your life. Fears

It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character. Otherwise it cannot harm you — inside or out.

— Marcus Aurelius

So what is it that holds us back from taking more risks in our lives?Simply put, it’s fear. There are lots of fears that hold is back from doing what we really want. There’s the fear of rejection of others including family, friends, and society. Being accepted in our peer group or community is something that we all want, and doing things that might bring down the judgment of others or could get us ostracized can be incredibly scary.There’s fear of failure, that if we try something that we’re not good at that we could fail and be embarrassed by that failure. We may also feel like we have wasted time when we put energy into something but still fail at it.Fear of Change. When things stay as they are then we feel comfortable and we know what to expect. When we step up to try something new and different, things will change. We may disrupt the way our lives are going, and even if we know in the end it will be better, change is uncomfortable.Fear of loss of security. Often we are afraid to take risks because we don’t want to be financially insecure. Sometimes the things that we want to pursue mean that we have to change careers or put up funding that may impact our finances. But with all of these different fears, there is just one thing in common. Each of them is created by a thought in our mind. Fear is generated because we are afraid of something uncomfortable. Whether that’s the disapproval of others or having to live a more meager lifestyle while we pursue what we really want, these are just emotions attached to thoughts based on our perspective. What others think of us can really cause no harm. We can really get by on far less than we are used to if that’s what it takes for us to pursue our dreams.Back Up Plan

Set aside a certain number of days during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while, “Is this the condition that I feared?”

—Seneca

A good example of giving into fear is that many of us, and I include myself in this group, end up following our back up plan. We give in to our fears and we decide that rather than pursue our dreams and desires, we do something that’s safe. In my case, I got a degree in business and ended up in software development. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being in software and I haven’t had a terrible life from it, but it’s far from acting or singing or writing music which is what I really wanted to do when I graduated from high school.And the thing is, most of us end up spending just as much time and energy on our back up plans as we would have needed to make our original plans work. I spent just as much time behind the computer as I would have spent running lines or auditioning for musicals if I’d had the courage to follow the path I really wanted.I’m sure that if you looked at areas where you have shied away from and not taken risks, you’ll find that if you had put in the same amount of energy as you do your day job, you’d probably be quite successful at it. Memento Mori

You are scared of dying—and, tell me, is the kind of life you lead really any different than being dead?

— Seneca

So how can stoicism help you get better at tasking risks?The stoics are very big about reminding us of our own mortality. I mean we’re all going to die and that’s something that we all have to accept. Once do accept that, and accept the fact that you could leave life at any moment, you realize that since you only have one life , do your best to live the best life you can. Live the life that you want to live, and not the life that other people what you to live. Another way to put this in perspective is that do you think anyone is going to remember what you did in 100 years? In 50 years? Probably not. There will come a time in the future where no one will know who you were or what you did. All your contributions, all your pain and suffering will just be things in that past as if they never existed. And that’s great and sad at the same time. Everything we do is futile but at the same time, doing good things and how we do everything matters. So if you’re going to spend your life doing something that will be gone in the not so distant future, make sure that it’s something futile that you want to do.Want to do stand up comedy? Get in front of your best friend and try some material out. Then find an open mic. Just start doing it. It won’t matter anyway if no one laughs at your jokes. Over time you’ll make it work. Want to ask someone out but afraid they might reject you? You’re no worse off than you are now, so just do it.Want to be a musician? Practice. Then download Garage Band or Audacity and record your stuff and put it on Soundcloud. You’ll find others that like your vibe.You are here to explore and live a life that is full of joy. You do this by stepping up and trying things. We are better off as a world if you are putting things into the world that bring you joy, because there is a good chance that they will bring someone else joy. All these things that you are afraid of, everything that stresses you out, when you die, those things will be gone. So none of it really matters. Is that nihilistic? I don’t think so. It’s just a simple recognition of the value of these things by adjusting your perspective. All of these things that you think are so important, are really not in a long enough time line.Courage

Why does he smile when misfortune strikes? He knows it is an opportunity to cultivate virtue. Death, loss, decline. These things come for us all. Facing pain is how we make ready. Adversity sharpens the blade of will. Greet the test gladly. Endure.

—@TheStoicEmperor (twitter)

One of the 4 stoic virtues, and to me the most important, is that of courage. For me, courage is the key to living a good life. It is the virtue that underpins everything that helps us live a life we are proud of, and to make changes in our lives. Courage is the key to awareness of ourselves in that it helps us to see ourselves as we truly are. Courage is what helps us make that hard choices, to have the hard conversations, and to persevere when things seem bleak. Courage doesn’t mean that you have to go cliff diving or put yourself in extreme danger. Courage is simply facing up to the things that scare you, looking at why they scare you, and doing them anyway. The more comfortable you get with facing up to small things with courage and resolve, the easier it gets to face up to the bigger fears in your life. Every time you step up and make a courageous choice, you become more virtuous.Conclusion So what are some areas in your life where you are afraid? What are some things you want to do in your life but are unwilling to take the risks? What’s on your bucket list that you keep putting off? Learning to take more risks in your life something that you can get better at, one small fear at a time. Taking more risks is also part of what makes life much more fulfilling and exciting, because in the end, it doesn’t really matter. And that’s a good thing.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
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Are you a pessimist? Do you see the glass as half empty? Do you often get depressed when you think about the state of the world? Today I want to talk about how stoicism can help make you an optimist.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

— Marcus Aurelius

Have you ever noticed how most of the movies about the future of mankind are usually post-apocalyptic? Meaning that they are generally about the end of the world, or at least the world as we know it. It’s easy to think about how things can go wrong. It’s easy to think about the things that can go wrong because there are more things that can go wrong than can go right. Being a pessimist is easy. On the other hand, finding the way that things can go right takes perseverance and dedication. It takes a willingness to believe that things can go right. It takes effort. Working in software and working on complex interdependent systems, one of the things that most developers would agree on is the fact that getting things to work properly is hard. Breaking things is easy. Things not working is far easier than getting things to work the way that we want them to. So the reason I brought this up is that often when we think about the future, we tend to take a dark view of where things are heading, and I think that it’s easy to develop a pessimistic view of where humanity is heading. I know that I have a tendency to do this, and I want to change my perspective because I think that it would serve me better for my daily happiness, and help me to make choices and take actions that could be more beneficial in the areas where I do have influence.A few weeks ago I was listening to a podcast with Kevin Kelly. Now Kevin Kelly, among many other things, is the founder of Wired magazine, and has lived quite an interesting life. Rather than going off to college after high school, he wandered around Asia for 10 years. He’s written a sprawling sci-fi graphic novel, a book about vanishing cultures in China, and started the Long Now Society which is focused on developing long term policy for survival of the human race. Most recently he released a book that was all about the lessons he wished he’d known when he was younger.But even with all this impressive stuff on his resume, there was something he said that really stuck with me. He talked about the fact that even with all the doom and gloom and challenges that are facing in the world, that he’s still very optimistic about the future. He said he wasn’t naive or blind to the challenges we face, but that he deliberately chooses to be an optimist. He said that it helps to make his every day life better, and that we as a society need people in this world that keep driving us forward with a better vision of the world. He said that a big part of why he is an optimist is that we have as a species created lots of improbable things. The fact that we have created so many complex things that actually work is due to optimism. Complex things are improbable, meaning that complex things are more likely not to work, and the fact that we make them work and work well is pretty incredible. It says a lot for us as a species. It means that we can work together to create some pretty amazing stuff that makes life better for a large numbers of people.He went on to make the argument that life is always going to have challenges and that there is simply no way to have a perfect world. Utopia is something that never will be possible. He framed his idea as “protopioa” which he defines as a culture where we recognize that life is full of challenges and that often there are trade offs for the solutions that we come up with. Often time those solutions create even more challenges, but even so, they are still worth it because the open up more options. So why do I bring up all these things and how does stoicism fit in to all of this? For me, this is a clear example of how choosing your perspective on life can make all the difference in the world. Because he specifically decides to view life through an optimistic lens, Kevin is able to see things in a way that supports his world view. He looks at the world around him, and find evidence that there are reasons to be optimistic, in spite of the challenges ahead. It gave me pause. I started to think about if I would classify myself as an optimist or a pessimist. I realized that I’m clearly on the pessimistic side of the line, and that’s something that I would like to change. I know that much of it for me comes from my past and far too often I assume the worst will happen as a safety mechanism. If the worst happens, then I’m prepared for it. So I started thinking about how I could work on changing that because I’d rather be hopeful about life and about humanity. Seeing the down side to everything leads you to that direction and you start seeing everything through that lens. I think it’s too easy to get lost in the dark.So how does one develop a more optimistic outlook on life using stoic principles? I think a lot of it comes with being able to reframe how you view the world. I think it also comes down to being aware of your thoughts, and making active choices to change how you want to view the world. It means that you choose to be an optimist, and for me there are a few principles that can help us be more optimistic.ControlStoicism focuses a lot on what we have control over, which allows us to actually have an impact on our lives. When we find ourselves in a challenging situation, when we can clearly delineate what is within our control and what is not, we can focus on what is within our power. This gives us control over some aspects of our life. Epictetus makes it pretty clear that the only things that we really have control over are our thoughts, choices, and actions. In short, our will. We can choose what thoughts we think. We can make choices that are more beneficial for us and those around us. We may not be able to control the circumstances that we find ourselves in, but we can take actions that will help us in the long run. For example, let’s say that you had some health issues and your doctor prescribed a diet that would help take care of those issue. In this case, you don’t have the power to just tell your body to heal itself. What you do have power over is how strictly you adhere to the diet that your doctor prescribed. Responsibility Related to control, we can take responsibility for our lives. When we own up to our choices and actions, we have the ability to shape our future. We refuse to blame others for the outcomes of our choices. The more responsibility we take, the more power we have in our lives. We make it so that we aren’t helpless.When things happen that are out of our control, we step up and take responsibility for doing what we can to improve things. We don’t focus on who is to blame, but rather, we recognize that it is our responsibility to make things better. We could sit around hoping or even demanding that someone else fix things for us, but we’re much more likely to get what we want if we take responsibility for our own happiness.When we stop up and take responsibility for ourselves and practice self control, the better we are able to handle future situations that might be even more challenging. Every time we step up, take responsibility and stretch ourselves to handle things outside of our comfort zone, the better we are able to handle harder and harder situations. But until we are able to step up and take responsibility, we will continually blame things outside of ourselves for why we’re unhappy and things aren’t going our way.Change

The only constant in life is change. Embrace it, adapt to it, and let it transform you for the better.

— Epictetus

The stoics recognize that life is constantly changing and that we need to embrace change. The harder we resist changes in our life, that harder we make things for ourselves. When we see change and challenges as opportunities, we are able to embrace change with a sense of optimism that we’ll come out better on the other side. Another aspect to consider and one that came to mind as I was listening to the podcast is to look at the challenges ahead as something that will give us ample opportunity to grow, then we will have to rise to the occasion to meet them. We will have to push ourselves, to expand our thinking of what’s possible, and find ways to work together in ways that we had never considered before. If we’re never challenged then we never really find out how good we can get. If we simply do the same easy things, then we never grow. We want those greater and greater challenges so that we can grow to be even better.Gratitude

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

— Socrates

The stoics teach us to be grateful and content with the things that we have. When we can be content with what have, then we don’t have to be continually striving for more in order to be happy. Now this may seem like a paradox, and it is. We need to be content with what we have, but always be looking to grow and move forward. We find in joy with appreciating what we have, and yet look forward to what’s ahead. I think this is a profound lesson. If we can’t be happy and content with what we currently have, then when we get what we think we want, we still won’t be content and happy. By learning to want what we already have, we can be happy about things that already there. It’s an easy want to increase your happiness just by shifting your perspective, and is something that you can do at any moment. Gratitude also helps us keep an open mind about things. I find that when I’m in a negative headspace that it is much harder to see that there are a lot more options to solving the problems that I’m dealing with. Gratitude and positivity is a choice, and it’s one that helps us widen our field of view rather than diminishing it. ConclusionSo, are there areas in your life where you are take a dark view of things? Are there situations where you can reframe how you view things so that you see the good in even the darkest of situations? As with most aspects of stoicism, I think it’s important that we find a balance of being realistic, but also choosing how we want to view things. I don’t think we need to be naive about things and not see things as they are, but rather we can see things as they are and still choose to look at things through a more optimistic lens, and do our best to make a better future.---
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How well do you manage your emotions? Do you feel like you’re on top of things or do you feel like you let situations get under your skin? Today I want to talk about a model I came across that can be a useful tool for managing your emotions, and handling situations like a stoic.

"Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it."

— Seneca

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, is a longitudinal study that was started in 1938. Researchers followed the same cohort for more than eighty years to gather information about quality of life. Every few years the participants were interview and subjected to a physical to track both mental and physical health.The Good Life, a book by Robert Waldinger & Marc Schulz based on the data from the Harvard study, and were able two important conclusions: First, was that those who handled the emotions better by facing them head on and not trying to repress or ignore them, generally reported a higher quality of life and better memories of the past. Second, it is incredibly challenging for people to change their emotional responses. They found that it didn’t come down to willpower or intelligence, but rather their awareness of their coping patterns. In studying those that managed their emotions in a healthy fashion, they found that there was a similar pattern amongst them. They call this the WISER model, and I’m going to explain it here.WatchWhen a strong emotion comes along, the first thing we need to do is engage our awareness. Usually our first reaction is based on an impulse and not a clear understanding of the full situation. When we give ourselves some space to get curious and just observe what’s going on, and see how we’re feeling, we can get a fuller picture of what’s really happening.Waldinger and Schulz write, “Thoughtful observation can round out our initial impressions, expand our view of a situation, and press the pause button to prevent a potentially harmful reflexive response.” Interpret

"It is not events that disturb people, it is their judgments concerning them."

— Epictetus

Once we have some more information, we need to interpret what we learned from observation. Often, situations are ambiguous and we jump to all sorts of conclusions. By asking what assumptions we made about the situation, we can quickly see were we misinterpreted what someone said or meant, or see what meaning we gave to something.SelectThe Select stage is where we make a choice of what we want to do about the situation. This step should be a thoughtful and deliberate choice, and not reactive or impulsive. This is where we try to slow things down so that we can make choices that are inline with our values, and that have a better long term outcome."The key,” according to Waldinger and Schulz, “is to try to slow things down where you can, zoom in, and move from a fully automatic response to a more considered and purposeful response that aligns with who you are and what you are seeking to accomplish.”EngageOnce you have made a choice, it’s time to put it into action. This part is can be challenging because it may mean that you have put yourself in an uncomfortable but necessary situation. But if you have taken the time to make a deliberate choice, this will be easier to do than if you are acting reflexively and will have better outcome than just ignoring the situation.Reflect

"The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control."

— Epictetus

The last step is to reflect on how things went. Did our plan work out as expected? Why or why not? What could we have done that might have been more effective? Taking the time to think about how things went helps inform us of how we can better handle things in the future. Even if we handle a situation well, this is a good step to take because it helps us to reinforce our good choices, as well as find even more room for improvement.Conclusion Dealing with strong emotions in the heat of the moment is not easy, and is something that we all need to work on. For me, I really like having an acronym that helps me walk through a useful process. When we’re struggling in the moment, it’s always helpful to have another tool at the ready. So go out and be a little Wiser.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Does your past weigh heavy on you? Do you let your past mistakes keep you from making the changes you want in your life? Today I want to talk about how changing our perspective on the past can help us make better choices for the future.

“Remind yourself that the past and future are ‘indifferent’ to you, and that the supreme good, and eudaemonia, can only exist within you, right now, in the present moment.”

— Donald J. Robertson

When we think about our lives and the passage of time, we often think of our past as the cause, and the present is the effect of that past. We hold onto the idea that we are a product of all the past events that have happened to us. But what if this wasn’t quite true?If we follow the idea that present is caused by the past, and that each of us is a result of our past, it means that we are being driven into the present and future by what happened in the past. Because the past is unchangeable, then it means that we have little or no ability to choose our future. This is a form of determinism, or that idea that our lives are predetermined by the past and we have no free will. We are like machines that are at the effect of past events. For example, there are people who suffered trauma as children who will often excuse their current bad behavior on the things that happened to them in the past. They just throw up their hands stating that this is just the way they are and the cannot change. But if this were the case, then every person that was abused as a child would behave badly and it would not be their fault. And even more to the point, if we believe that the cause of current bad behavior was childhood abuse, then that would mean that everyone who was abused as a child would turn out to be an abusive person as an adult. As we can see, this is simply not the case. There are plenty of people in this world that have had terrible childhoods, yet grow up to be kind, responsible, and productive members of society. The only reason past events have any influence on the present or the future is because of the meaning that we give to those events. Nothing is determined by those events. We let the meaning that we give past events have on our current choices. Order of Time

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

— Master Oogway

The Order of Time, by Carlo Rovelli, is a book about quantum gravity, which is the field in science trying to reconcile quantum physics and general relativity. The topic is very complex and deep, and I won’t go too much into right now, but there was an idea that really shifted my perspective on our progression through time. The way that Rovelli explains it, is that most of us think that our past determines our future. That the events that happened in the past create the future. A basic cause and effect paradigm that makes sense to our linear brains. But in understanding quantum gravity, it appears that rather than causing the future, the past is just an echo or a record of present moments flowing behind us.The way I like to visualize this is that it’s like we are on a boat on a lake, and as we’re cruising along, we’re creating a wake. The present is the boat moving towards the future, and the past is like the wake behind a boat. We can see the influence of the present on the past, but the past, the wake, has little influence the future. This is what it means to live in the present moment. We can let go of the past events because we recognize that once something is in the past, only what we do in the present has any influence on the next present moment. It means that the choices and decisions that we are making, whether we’re fully conscious of them or not, are under our control and our responsibility. It also means that at any moment in the present we can decide to make a choice that is not tethered to the past. Past Doesn’t Equal Future

“The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."

— L. Thomas Holdcroft

Often we blame the past for why we act a certain way. But just because something happened some way in the past does not mean that it has to be the same in the present or the future. Simply put, the past is not a predictor of the future.So why is this idea so important? I like the idea that each present moment is a fresh instance of time that is not so tightly bound to the past. It means that at any moment you can make a different or better choice is very powerful. It means that even if you had a certain belief or a way of thinking or behaving in the past, it does not determine who you are that this moment or who you will be in the future. Each moment is a new one to start over. Now obviously, this doesn’t change or negate what happened in the past. Just because you decide to make new choices doesn’t mean that your past choices just disappear. You still have to work within the circumstances that you find yourself in. But it does mean that you can be someone different just by making different choices. Maybe the past you was lazy, or drank too much at parties, or was conflict avoidant and shied away from difficult conversations. You can make a different choice at any time. Letting GoSo why do we hold onto the past so strongly? From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense. If we’re still alive, then the behaviors from the past are ones that worked. They may not have been the most effective, but at some level they kept us alive. So, in a sense, we should also be grateful for our past selves. They got us to where we are today, and we’re still breathing.Another reason we hold on deeply to the past is that we internalize our past with our identity. Now what do I mean by that? In short, we hold on to our past to tells us who we are. We form a lot of our identity based upon our memories and experiences. What I’m referring to in this case is that often we cast ourselves in a role, and we make choices based upon trying to be consistent with that role.For example, when I thought of myself as a Mormon, I behaved a certain way. I made choices based on a belief system that gave me a certain perspective about reality. One of those beliefs was that we had the one true church and that everyone else was living in sin and error. Once I let go of that belief system, my perspective on life changed pretty dramatically. I stopped thinking that others were lesser because they didn’t hold the same beliefs I did. I recognized it is more important how people behave than what other people believe. Beginner’s Mind

"Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly."

— Marcus Aurelius

When I read this quote, it made me think of a thought experiment, and I’d like to do that with you now. Let’s pretend that you lost your memory. Everything else functions just fine. You can speak and move, but you just can’t remember anything about your life. Would you be the same person? If you could not remember your past, how would know what to choices to make? How would you know your preferences? With this idea in mind, when faced with a difficult choice and you feel anxious because of past mistakes, what if you just pretended like you could not remember any of those mistakes? What if you gave yourself a blank slate? What choice would you make then? When you take the time let go of your preconceived ideas from the past, you open yourself to seeing things with fresh eyes. You are able to release judgments and can try to evaluate options on their own merits. From a Zen perspective, this would be the ultimate beginner’s mind. Now I know this could be a much deeper conversation, and there have been volumes dedicated to trying to understand the concept of identity. But, with this kind of perspective shift, it allows you to view all kinds of opportunities with less judgment from the past. It frees you from the weight of things you’ve done and who you thought you were. ConclusionWe place a lot of importance on the past. While it is helpful to understand and learn from the past, it can be a heavy weight that won’t allow us to move forward. When we recognize that we are not tethered to the past, we can make a different choice at any moment. We have the opportunity to make a fresh start every single day. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Do you always act the way you want to? Do you struggle to accomplish what you set out to do? Do you find it challenging to make choices that are in line with what you think you want? Today I want to talk about learning to understand why often make choices and do things that don’t line up with that we think we really want.

"No man is free who is not a master of himself."

— Epictetus

A few months ago, I read a book called Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot, which is a great book about embracing and accepting your shadow self. I’ve talked about it on the podcast before, and one of the most interesting ideas that I got from that book is this idea:

“Having is evidence of wanting.”

— Carolyn Elliot

What this means is that we need to recognize that even though we might say that we want some other kind of result in our lives, we usually get what we actually want. Usually, these actual desires are things that we are unaware of. Simply put, we have lots of unconscious desires and goals that drive our lives.We may end up dating the same kind of person, even though we failed in relationships with this type of person in the past. We might want to eat healthier or drink less alcohol, but we end up eating same bad things or drinking more than we had planned. We skip the gym even though the effort to get there wouldn’t be that difficult. We have the same arguments with our partners, even though we say we don’t like to argue. What I’m getting at, is that what if we are making choices to get the exact thing that really want, but we are just unconscious of what we really want?

“Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will rule our lives and we will call it fate.”

— Carl Jung

A common example of this is for people that grow up in a chaotic and unstable home. They might have hated it and have a desire for a more stable home life once they’re out on their own. They want a partner that is calm, secure, and stable, but find themselves dating people that are more chaotic, similar to what they grew up with. They might find their behavior very confusing because it’s not what think they want. So why would someone continue to add chaos back into their life, when what they’re craving is stability?For many people in this situation, they find a stable home life to be very challenging because it’s not what they’re used to. They don’t understand the rules of the game. Dating someone that is more like what they’re used to allows them to feel comfortable because it’s familiar. They are used to the excitement of a chaotic home. If they’re used to the adrenaline rush of uncertainty, then a stable home life can feel exceptionally boring. Throwing their world back into chaos might be the only way for them to feel what they consider “normal”. The unconscious goal in this case is familiarity, which is more important than stability. Another example of where our conscious goals and unconscious goals diverge is when we get angry at someone. Usually when we get angry, it feels like it’s just an instantaneous or automatic reaction, and like something we don’t have control over. Later, after we cool down, we’re disappointed with ourselves because of our behavior. We may say that we didn’t mean to get angry. But I think that this is a kind of dishonest mental revisionism of what actually happened. We did mean to get angry, otherwise we would not have. Think about it this way. We all have people that we would never display this kind of anger towards. We are able to control it. Whether that is because we respect them enough or because we would suffer some other kind of consequence like losing a job or there’s a fear of violence from them, we can choose to hold back our anger. So why would we hold back in one instance and lash out in another? It’s because in each of these cases, the goals are different. When we lash out, our goal is to try and control the other person. When we keep our anger in check, it is to avoid consequences of a confrontation. We are just unaware of or dishonest about our real goals. Until we are aware what our real goal is we will keep repeating the same behaviors and creating the same results.So how do we get to know what these unconscious goals are? How do we figure out what we really want?Work Backwards

"The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself."

— Plato

In episode 231, I discussed a model of thinking, and basically, we can use it to break it down what’s really going on in any situation. I’ll quickly summarize the model here but I recommend going back to that episode for a more in depth discussion. Basically, there are circumstances, which are the factual elements, and usually things that we can we can’t control. Then we have our thoughts about those circumstances. Those thoughts create our emotions. Those emotions drive what actions we choose, and our actions create the results we get. Now, one of the best ways to understanding our unconscious goals, or why we really do what we do, is to work backwards, without judgment. We need to look at the results we are getting, and the actions and choices we make which cause those results. Then we have to understand what we were feeling and thinking at the time we made those choices. This is probably the hardest part because we often have trouble recalling what we were feeling or thinking in the heat of the moment. This is why it is important to be open to the possibility that we were not thinking at our best, and that we were letting emotional feedback distort our perspective. Because our ego tries to protect itself, we will often convince ourselves that we were thinking or feeling something different than we were. We don’t want to own up to what we really thought or felt because we don’t like to think of ourselves as that kind of person. We will rationalize or ignore what was really going on in our mind. This is why examining things without judgments is so important. When we do this kind of exploration, we’re not worried about placing blame. We need to think of it like we’re on a fact finding mission. Like I talked about in the example above, someone who grew up in a chaotic home may feel confused or ashamed that they keep dating people who cause lots of drama. But until they are open to accepting that they may in some way like the drama because it’s exciting and it’s familiar, it’s going to be hard for them to change. When we walk backwards from the results, to the actions, to our emotions, then to our thinking, we’re open to getting to root of things. Get Quiet

“Know thyself.”

— Socrates

One of the best ways to practice this kind of exercise is meditation. I know that I talk about it a lot on here, but I find that it’s an indispensable tool in getting to understand your own mind. Just like any other skill, mastering our mind takes practice. Meditation can be difficult because our minds are in a constant state of stimulation. For some, meditation is too boring, and to sit still for any length of time is challenging. But when you practice this skill, then you learn how to be aware of your mind and its thinking. Once you get to know your mind, then you are able to quiet your mind so you can focus on things that you want to. You can direct it in a way that is more helpful.When you take that time to be quiet and just observe your thinking, often time you have inspiration that just pops out of nowhere. You’ll have insights and solutions to problems. You’ll have creative ideas that you were just moving too fast to see. When you get quiet, your mind has a chance to show you things it’s been working on in the background.Write It Down

"The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."

— Marcus Aurelius

Another exercise that is extremely helpful in our unconscious exploration is journaling. Sitting down and trying to get the contents of your thinking on paper is another way to help uncover things. I know for me that sometimes I really need to just brain dump the thoughts in my mind in order to give me some distance from them. It’s kind of like having a picture that is simply too close to be able to see it clearly. By getting things out, I’m better able to see what it is that really going on. I can often see connections that I wasn’t able to before. When you get things out on a page, it also frees up your mind to not have to hold on to things as much. You know that you have it in a durable form, so you don’t need to worry about remembering those ideas. You’re able to refer back to it at a later time and hopefully find more inspiration and make connections when you’re in a good headspace. I find that doing meditation and journaling right next to each other is very helpful. There are times when I meditate first to give my mind the space to just let things be, then afterwards take the time to capture those thoughts and ideas in my journal. Sometimes I find that journaling before meditation is useful because it helps guide my mind towards pondering some issues that I’m worried about, and my mind is able to make interesting connections in a relaxed state.ConclusionOur minds are a pretty amazing set of processes, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and unconscious desires. Getting to know ourselves and our deep and often hidden motivations can be exceptionally challenging. For me, stoicism has been crucial for being able to understand and accept the parts of me that I may not want to see, but are there nonetheless. With a focus on a nonjudgmental way of viewing the world and yourself, you have tools to explore who you really are, and work on accepting every part of you. It is with this self-awareness and self-acceptance, that you are able to find more personal peace, and are better able to make changes you want in your life. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Do you get overwhelmed with the challenges of life? When life gets to stressful do you shut down and bail out? Today I want to talk about why we let things overwhelm us and what can we do to stay on track.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Life is challenging. Some times we feel overwhelmed at the situations we have in life. When this happens we may shut down and retreat. We may give up on things that are important to us that are not even directly tied to the situation that may be causing stress in our lives. This can include areas such as work, relationships, or hobbies. Many people might see this and think that the "obvious" solution is that this is a failure of planning, as in, you might have unrealistic timelines or expectations of how much you can actually get done. When you fail to meet those expectations, you get frustrated and burned out.But before we look at tactics, let's think a little deeper, shall we?First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Anyone involved in a creative endeavor runs into this issue. And by creative endeavor I mean creating anything, and that also includes creating a better life. We have great intentions, high aspirations, and plenty of talent, and yet, we get sidetracked, spiral out, and shut down.I know that I have a pretty familiar pattern: I make plans when I’m in a good headspace. I feel excited and am looking forward to working on my goals. Then something stressful hits in my life, and pretty soon I find myself retreating and backing off from a lot of things in life. I’ve done this several times with my podcast. Things in my personal life would be falling apart, then I would shut down the podcast. Sometimes, I would try working on another project, only to find that I even then I still would feel overwhelmed and just give up.The worst part about this pattern is that I would feel like a failure on multiple fronts. I would feel like a failure because of the issue in my personal life, then I would feel like a failure because I wasn’t working on my podcast or music or learning 3D programming. So why do we do this? Why do allow stress from one part in our life deep six other things in our lives?Self SabotageI think the first thing we need to come to terms with is that sometimes, we’re looking for a way out. When I feel overwhelmed and let myself burnout, it is often because, deep down, at some level, it's what I really want. I want to give up. Sometimes, life is hard and letting outside events overwhelm me is an easy way to blame an outside event for failing to achieve what I set out to do.Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “I would never do that! I really want to succeed, but there was just too much other shit going on."Let me let in you on something: Everyone has too much other shit going on. Kid's plays and soccer games. Partners and friends who need your time and attention. And there are the basics such as, you know, keeping up with work. That's not to mention taking time for ourselves such as exercise, hobbies, and rest.Simple put, life is busy.Plenty of people have done amazing things while still managing all this extra shit. If you really want to accomplish your goal, then you wouldn't let anything stop you. Let me put it this way. If one of your projects was something you needed to complete because if you didn't you would die, do you think you would let those outside things overwhelm you?I don't think so. I think you'd finish it come hell or highwater and push all those external things to the side. If there is something that you truly want to do in life, then any external excuse for quitting, is just that - an excuse. Ultimately, I find that I sometimes let myself just get overwhelmed because it's easier than pushing through, and I can point to a "reason" why it wasn't my fault that I failed. But if I'm honest with myself, I know, deep down, I'm quitting because I just don't want to do the hard work. It's hard to admit to something like this, especially when you know you are quite capable, but owning up to it is the first step in taking responsibility for your choices. You have the right to choose to not do something. You don’t need a reason outside of yourself. Now, not everything we feel burned out on is due to self-sabotage. Sometimes we really do want to reach some goal but we’re pushing ourselves too hard and we end up ignoring other aspects of our lives. Stoicism is about equanimity, it’s about finding balance so that we can work efficiently and effectively. So let’s dig into some ways that you can help find that balance, and avoid burning out. Facing Up to Your EmotionsI think the biggest piece of the puzzle that can cause us to feel overwhelmed is that we may be in situations that are emotionally challenging and we don’t want to face them. When something in our lives is emotionally draining, we will often try to ignore it. But in doing so, the emotion doesn’t go away. It stays in our system unresolved. We carry it around like shackles on our ankles, and we’re the ones that put them on. We might be able to function in our daily lives, but we are not bringing all our resources to bear. We are not operating at our best. This can become too much of a burden and rather than face up to and deal with these challenging emotions, we find ways to distract ourselves. The list of distractions includes alcohol, drugs, work, television, video games or any other number of things that allow us to push these uncomfortable emotions to the side. I noticed that when I took a break from my podcast over a year ago, rather than working on learning graphics programming in my spare time, which was my plan, I ended up just playing video games. I had no motivation to anything else. I didn’t write. I didn’t read any books. I didn’t hang out with friends. Once I started facing up to some of the emotionally challenging situations in my life, I was better able to handle the pressure of other commitments, such as working on my podcast. I was more social. I started working out again. My life wasn’t perfect by any means, but it certainly felt more manageable. Physical HealthI think that many of our issues with mental health are directly related to out physical health. If we’re exhausted, in pain, or in poor health, it affects our state of mind, causing us to have a negative outlook on life. I think that there is an underestimation of how much our physical state affects our mental state. We like to think that we can just change our thinking and we can ignore our physical state. But remember, we experience the world in our bodies, so to pretend that they aren’t linked is rather foolish. If you find yourself feeling burned out, make sure that you are taking care of the physical things. Pushing ourselves too hard, eating poorly, not sleeping enough affects our mental outlook whether we like it or not. For example, in my own life, I struggle with insomnia. This makes it hard to think clearly, and often makes things feel much darker or harder than they really are. I can be grumpy and irritable without really being aware of it. Doing my best to take care of myself by doing everything I can to improve my sleep by eating healthy, exercising, and following a regular sleep schedule has helped quite a bit. I also do my best to be aware of my mood by writing in my journal and meditating. Narrow Your FocusIn our world of productivity hacks and hustle culture, we can feel overwhelmed because we try to take on too many things. We may feel guilty when we take time to relax and recharge because it’s not considered productive. Much of this comes from comparing ourselves to others. We look at how others “hustle” and think that is the reason for their success. But as any good athlete will tell you, resting is just as important as training. Doing one without the other will guarantee failure. Finding the balance of working hard and resting is what puts you in the ideal state.When we’re spread too thin and pulled in too many directions, we end up not doing anything very well. By reducing what we’re working on to just a few things at any given period of time, we can make more progress on the goals that we have. This doesn’t mean that we need to drop everything else, but it can mean that we schedule things to a later date. There is nothing that says we have to accomplish everything all at once. And to be honest, just hustling all the time sucks the joy and pleasure out of life.Time Management

"It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it."

— Seneca

One area that we can focus on which will help reduce our stress is managing our time. This is something that I’m still working on, and I should probably do a full episode so that I can explore ways to manage my time better. But for now, I have a very basic schedule to my day of when I start and end work. I also schedule in self care activities like exercise and meditation. I make sure that I take at least 30 minutes for lunch, since I work from home and it’s pretty easy to just get busy and push through some code I’m working on. Since I struggle with insomnia, I’ve been making sure that I have some wind down time before bed. This means that an hour before bed I will doing something relaxing that is not cognitively taxing. This could be watching something fun on Netflix, reading some nice fiction, or sitting in the hot tub. As I’m getting ready for bed, I’ll put on some chill jazz piano, to help my mind wind down. Creating a basic outline to your day can help you manage your life a little better. The less you have to keep in your head, the more likely you’ll be able to follow your schedule. Also, if you put everything on a calendar, it’s easier to see if you are simply overloaded and trying to take on too many things.Make Choices

"It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it that determines the quality of your life. You have within you the power to choose your thoughts and opinions, and you can choose to respond to any situation with patience, courage, and understanding."

— Epictetus

Often when we’re feeling overwhelmed it’s because we are stuck in a place of worry and confusion. Probably the most useful tool that I’ve worked on implementing in my life is something I talked about in episode 247 - There are no Problems, Only Choices. This is the idea that rather than focusing on a problem and all the worries attached to it, you focus on what choices you have available, and figure out which one most align with your goals, your values, and your principles. Focusing on what choices you can make is beneficial for a number of reasons. Since you are focusing on choices, you spend less time needlessly worrying about the problem. It also puts you in a better place to take action. When you take action, you are making progress. When you make even just a little progress, it makes the next set of choices easier. You create momentum which can help carry you through the difficult parts of a situation. We may get stuck in worrying what choice is the “right one”, or we may have too many choices. If you find that you have having a hard time making a choice, figure out what your principles and values are and use that as your guide. Is there a choice that aligns with them? If not, are there any choices that tick most of the boxes, but still support your most important principles? Is there choice that can, at the very least, get you started?ConclusionThere are a lot of things in the world that can derail us from achieving the things we want, though usually the biggest hinderance is ourselves. However, there are foundational things that we can to do that make us more resilient when we run into resistance and help us avoid burnout. When we focus on taking care of our physical health, managing our time, and put our energy towards making better choices and find that balance that we need. When we find that balance, it helps us keep moving forward, rest and recover, and enjoy the journey.---
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A wide ranging conversation with Brian, the host of the LOTS project. You can find out more information about Brian and living off the grid at https://thelotsproject.com/---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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When life throws you curveballs, how do you handle them? Do you freak out? Do you roll with it? Do you look at it as an opportunity or a disaster? Today I want to about how to keep a perspective on life that helps you keep on moving when things don’t go as planned.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

— Epictetus

First, I want to apologize for not getting last weeks episode out. As you know I’ve been struggling with pretty severe insomnia over the last few months and last week I just hit a wall. I had the episode about 85% finished, but was so wiped out that It was a struggle to just get to the end of the week. The irony of it was that the episode was about dealing with feeling overwhelmed. I was going to make it this weeks episode, but given some big events that happened for me this last week, I felt it was more pressing to talk about how we handle the unexpected twists that life throws our way. CongratulationsOne of my favorite things that has taken place in Portland over the past 12 years was the World Domination Summit. For those of you who don’t know what it was, it was kind of like a TED conference with all kinds of interesting speakers, classes, and experiences for people who want to live differently in the world. It was founded by Chris Guillebeau, who lives here in Portland. He’s the author of several books and writes a blog about travel and living an unconventional life. A few weeks ago, I was reading one of his posts called “Congratulations On Your New Life”, that really stuck with me. He talked about how a few years ago he was speaking at a conference and someone who was asking a question mentioned that they had just lost their job, and rather than offering condolences, he felt like he needed to take another route. He congratulated them. Since that time, this is usually the response he offers when someone talks about something that is causing a big transition in life, such as losing a job or ending a relationship. Now this may seem a little harsh to some people, but Chris mentioned that most times when he followed up with the other person, that even if they were a little shocked at first, when they took the time to think about it, they really didn’t like the job or could see that they were better off out of the relationship. In a way, this event was a favor and an opportunity to make a change in their life that they probably wouldn’t have done were it not for this happening. Curveball

The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition.

— Ryan Holiday

This last week, as I mentioned, was exhausting. I decided to take off Friday to see if I could get caught up on some sleep. Even though I knew that I could sleep in, I still only got about 5 hours of sleep. I was able to get a short nap in later that afternoon, but soon after waking up received a call from the owner of the company I work for. He let me know that due to financial constraints, he had to cut my project and was letting me go. I thanked him for letting me know and we talked through next steps of making the transition smoother for the other developers who would be taking up the slack for some of my minor projects.At the end of the call, he thanked me for handling things professionally and not making it a difficult call. I told him there was no reason make things difficult. He was simply doing what he needed to for his company. For me, it was an interesting moment. There was no real stress about the whole thing. It was just matter of fact like “this is just a thing that happens in life”. I felt very relaxed and stoic about it, and after the called was over I laughed about the fact that my first thought on hearing the news was that now I’d finally be able to caught up on sleep. Life Happens

Don’t Panic!

— Douglas Adams

So what do you when life throws unexpected things your way? Do you panic? Do you look at all the downsides?

The first and most important thing we can do in any situation is to do our best to stay calm. Part of the stoic teaching of Amor Fati, is that we love everything that happens to us, and that our reaction to anything will not really change what happens. In the case of getting laid off, being rude to my now former boss, would not have changed the situation, and would have only made things worse. In fact, by the end of the call, he asked if, when he had more funding available in the future, I was open to working as consultant to finish the development of the software I had been working on. I told him that I was certainly open to it if my situation in the future made it possible to do so. No One to Blame

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education; to accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun; to accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.

—Epictetus

Another important thing we can do is not get caught up in finding someone to blame. It is one thing to understand the root cause of something, but to waste time trying to pin the blame on someone does nothing to help you move forward. It only leads to more stress and worry. Now, this does not mean that if someone is causing issues for you that you simply ignore them. It does mean that you do your best move on and let go of things that don’t serve you. In this case, being angry with my former boss because he didn’t have the funds to continue keeping me on payroll doesn’t matter. It’s simply the way that things turned out. It’s just the way that all the circumstances lined up. Nothing more, nothing less. Choices

There are no problems, only choices.

One of the most important ideas that I’ve been trying to implement in my life over the past few months is that of focusing on what choices I have in front of me in any given situation. Letting go of all the worries and what ifs won’t help me keep moving forward. In the case of losing my job, I’ve been able to apply this by making a list of things I can do, not worry about why didn’t things work the way I wanted. What Next?

It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it that determines the quality of your life.

— Epictetus

So what comes next for me? That’s hard to say at the moment. This last year has been a turbulent one already, so this is just one more factor in the mix. But right now I have a little more of the most precious resource known to man - available time. And this is something that will allow me to accelerate some things I’ve been working towards. I find myself in a place full of opportunity. I’m reaching out to recruiters and others in my industry. Since I’m working on getting my house ready to sell, I’m appreciating the fact that I will have more time available for getting things prepared. I plan on improving my workout regimen and cycling more once the weather warms up a little more. I plan on getting a few more podcast episodes made so I have them ready a week or more in advance so that I don’t run into something like last week. I’m working on some ideas for expanding the reach of the podcast.But first, I’m going to get some sleep.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you take care of your body? To you treat it like a temple? Do you exercise it and strengthen it as much as your mind? Today I want to talk about how important it is to treat your body as good as, if not better than your mind.

It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and well and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely and well and justly without living a pleasant life. And the wise man needs to take care of his body just as a farmer takes care of his land.

— Epictetus

The stoics teach us that it is our mind and our perspective which creates our reality, and on this show I talk a lot about understanding our thinking so that we can be the kind of people that we want. We spend a lot of time focusing on the mind. But the other day I was thinking about some of the changes I’ve made to my physical environment that have made a big impact on my life, so today I want to talk less about the mind and more about the body.

It is necessary to care for the body, not for its own sake, but because it is the abode of the soul.

— Musonius Rufus

One of the most important things that we need to remember is that we experience the world physically, that is, through our bodies. It is through the senses that we perceive the world. If we didn’t have a body and senses, there would be no way to experience or interact with the world. The brain is reliant upon the input that it receives from the body. To neglect the body means that we experience the world in a less than optimal way. The state that our body is in can have a very large impact on our perceptions of the world. If you’re tired or feeling unwell physically, it colors how you view the world. It can have a big impact your mood. It can also lead to poor decision making, which is why we are better served by making important decisions when we are well rested. Physical Health

I maintain that the first step to freedom is to take care of one's health. If a man is diseased in body, his mind will also be diseased.

— Seneca

I think that a good number of mental health issues can trace their source to physical health issues. If you aren’t taking care of your body, if you are eating only junk food or not getting the proper nutrition your body needs, it can make it challenging for you to think clearly.If your body is not in good condition, then you are already starting at a disadvantage. This doesn’t mean that you need to become a gym rat and spend every free moment working out. It does mean that you eat a healthy diet, exercising every day, and getting enough sleep. It also means that we seek help if we have substance abuse issues with alcohol or drugs. AlcoholOver the past few months I’ve made number of changes that have impacted my life in a very positive way. The first major change was that over a month ago, I stopped drinking alcohol. I found that I was using it to avoid having to deal with difficult emotional situations and emotions. It had also became an almost nightly habit, though I found that I was drinking more on nights when I was particularly stressed. It also made me more impulsive and less able to manage my emotions and my temper. SugarAround the same time, I decided to change my diet because I was having digestive issues fairly regularly. I stopped eating refined sugars, and replaced them with fresh fruits and vegetables. I’ve paying attention to things that don’t sit well, and avoid them. At times it has felt a bit restrictive, but then one night when I was out for dinner I decided to splurge on chocolate cake, and while it tasted delicious, I suffered for the next two days as my body processed all that sugar. I had put on weight during the pandemic from drinking soda every day, as well as having desserts fairly often. Just removing alcohol and sugar from my diet has made a quite a difference. I’ve lost 8 pounds in last month. I had made other changes to my diet, but did not lose any weight until I removed them. I have been feeling much more mentally aware. I have a lot less problems with my digestive system, and I just feel better overall. I feel like I’m clean on the inside. ExerciseThe last big change I’ve made is that I’ve been doing 20 minutes of yoga or stretching every morning, as well as a minimum of 20 minutes of more strenuous exercise during the day such as waking, cycling, or rowing. Because a of healing shoulder injury I have not been lifting any weights, but with these exercise I find that I am building muscle. As I lose more weight I can also feel some of the formerly flabby areas of my body starting to tighten up. I also feel more awake and find that my mind and thinking have been much clearer. My mood is improved and I handle stress significantly better. SleepIn study after study, science has shown that sleep is one of the keys to good health. I know that when I don’t get enough sleep over an extended period, I’m more prone to catching colds or developing a sinus infection. Unfortunately, sleep is an area where I have been struggling over the years, and especially over the last 3 months. For some reason my body has gotten into a habit of waking up after 4-5 hours and most nights I’m unable to fall back asleep. I’ve been working to get better sleep and some nights I’m more successful than others.In my quest of a good nights sleep, I have found a few things that increase my chance of a good night sleep. As I mentioned before, I’m eating healthier, reducing alcohol, and exercising everyday. I’ve been heading to bed at a reasonable hour, and I have wind down routine that includes some nice piano jazz, and a few minutes of meditation before my head hits the pillow. DisciplineAnother benefit that we get when we focus on taking care of out physical health, is that we develop more self discipline. If you find that you have problems with mental discipline, then practicing a sport or marshal art or almost any physical activity can help you develop more discipline that can be applied in other areas of your life. I find for me that they go hand in hand. When I’m taking care of myself physically, it is much easier to take care of myself mentally. Conclusion

Moderation is freedom from that which is disgraceful and servile, while intemperance is the contrary.

— Epictetus

Now, I’m not saying all these things to brag about myself. I’m not saying that you need to stop drinking or enjoying dessert or that you need to hit the gym every day. I’m sharing what I’ve changed in my life that has been helping me live a better life. Many of these are things that I knew that I needed to change for quite some time, but I resisted. Many of them I resisted for years. I think that some of these, especially the alcohol, were ways of coping with stress in my life. I think as I made some of the bigger mental health breakthroughs in my life, it made it easier to finally decide to make the changes I knew would be beneficial for me. I didn’t need these things as crutches. I could face my challenges head on.The stoics speak often of temperance, which means finding moderation and balance in our lives. For me, this means that I focus on keeping my mind and body healthy. It means that I make choices that are more beneficial in and help me feel better in the long run. And I’m finding that as I improve my physical health, I’m enjoying the the fact that I look better, feel better, and think better. ---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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The stoics teach us that our perspective on life is one of the most important things that we can control. It’s our perspective that informs how we approach everything. Today I want to talk about a powerful way to look at the world using stoic principles that can help us become more resilient, and better able to handle stresses in our lives.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

— Marcus Aurelius

What if there were no problems in your life? I don’t mean that you don’t have things that are challenging, but what if, rather than fretting about something and framing it as a problem, you could just look at something as a choice to be made? I’ve been thinking a lot this week about an idea of how to approach challenges in life. It’s very different than how I currently see things, and this podcast is an attempt to try and solidify these ideas into a kind of operational framework.But what if we decided that nothing was ever a problem? That every situation you came upon didn’t carry a judgment of being good or bad? Is there a way to look at each situation as an opportunity to just make choices? ProblemsWhen I have things in my life that I’m struggling with, I view it as a problem. This creates a whole kind of frame around it, and makes it kind of an object in my mind, and makes it something that I can focus on. And though this can be helpful for being able to focus attention on something, when I cast it in the role of being a problem, it immediately has a negative connotation to it. I attach worries to it. I can ruminate it on it to an unhealthy degree. At times, this worrying about the future can be stressful and even overwhelming. This kind of worry is not helpful, wastes tremendous amounts of energy, and colors my mood in the present. So today I’m going to show you how to use some key stoic principles to help you change your perspective, worry less, and make better decisions.Making ChoicesThere’s an old saying that I try to remember when I get stuck in making decisions.

Good decisions come from wisdom.
Wisdom comes from experience.
Experience comes from making bad decisions.

The more choices we are willing to make, the better we get at making them. So how do we get ourselves to make more choices without feeling overwhelmed? What can we do to help us make better decisions and take actions that help us move in the direction we want? Amor Fati

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

— Marcus Aurelius

The first principle I want to talk about is Amor Fati. Amor Fati means “to love your fate”, which means to love everything that happens to us. This is often a hard concept to truly embrace. I think that most of us are happy to embrace the good things that happen to us and just try to tolerate everything else. But there are a few reasons why loving your fate is one of the best things that you can do to let go of worry. The first reason to love everything that happens to you is because it is happening to you. The fact that you love it or not doesn't change that it has has happened or is happening to you. You loving or hating is just your reaction based on your judgment of it. So, since it's happing anyway, why not love it?Second, if you can love everything that happens to you then everything is an advantage. Nothing is a disadvantage or something that you can’t learn from. Since everything is an opportunity for you, you become anti-fragile. A simple example. If you are short, love the fact that you are short. Don't lament that you aren't tall, because it's a waste of time and cannot be changed. Then, find all the advantages life gives you for being short, and use them. For you Game of Thrones fans, Tyrion Lannister is a great example of someone playing to their strengths. Or, let’s say a tornado comes along and destroys your home. You can stress out about everything that you’ve lost, get mad at the universe or god, and allow yourself to feel terrible. Or, you get to see it as an opportunity to build a new house. You can see it as a signal that living in that particular city or town may not be a good option, and move somewhere else.Or, let's say your partner breaks up with you and breaks your heart. You can hate them and feel like they ruined your life. You can be bitter and hurt. Or, you can understand that there are reasons that the relationship didn’t work out. You can appreciate all the good things, think about what you've learned. You can go into your next relationship a bit wiser. No Opinion

You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.

― Marcus Aurelius,

One way that we can reduce the number of “problems” in our lives is to have no opinion on something for as long as possible. Now, this may seem counterintuitive, but think about it this way. How many things in your life do you really need to have an opinion about? For example, do you really need to care what someone on twitter said? Do you need to have an opinion on what someone was wearing on Instagram?This doesn’t mean you need to ignore things. It just means that you see events as happening, as information to take in. You can observe as long as you need and only make an opinion if it is something that truly needs you attention. Once you have an opinion on something, then you have something invested in it, so be miserly with your opinions. MindfulnessWhen you are able to see things as choices, then you are more present. When you aren’t running away from or avoid problems, then you are able to be more mindful. You aren’t stuck worrying about things that may happen in the future because you are focused on making choices in the present. You can think more long term. You can ask yourself, “What choice can make that will have a better long term outcome?” You’re not focused on that fact that you have a problem to deal with. You focused on what choices you can make. Don’t Sit in ConfusionOne of the most important things we can do is to not sit in confusion. If you see things as insurmountable problems, you will fret over those things, and you feel a lot of fear and distress. We will often sit in this place of confusion and indecision because we’re afraid to make choice. I know for me, a lot of stress comes when I don’t make a choice, or I worry to much about which choice to make. I can fret about something for days or weeks, all the while feeling the tension of indecision. When I finally make a decision, there is often a feeling almost bliss because I’ve finally relieved that stress. Making choices helps clear away confusion. Take Action

We should not be so taken up in the search for truth, as to neglect the needful duties of active life; for it is only action that gives a true value and commendation to virtue.

— Cicero

Life is not a series of problems to solve, but something to experience. You experience it by making choices and taking actions. If you see the world as something to be experienced, then you have less fear around making a choice, because if your goal is to have an experience and learn from it, then any choice you make will help you reach that goal.When you see the world through the lens that life is about choices to make, then you are no longer being acted upon by the world, and so you are no longer a victim. You are moving through the world making choices and taking actions. When you see things a choices, rather than problems, you are focusing on what you can control. You are always looking for what choice you can make in any situation, which, if it is something you can choose, then it’s something that’s under your control. PrioritiesIf you find yourself getting stuck in trying to make a decision, one of the most important tools you can use is find the choices that most align with you priorities and core principles. Taking the time to clarify your values can help you see what is most important to you, and how the options align with your priorities. Small StepsIf you get stuck in making a choice, make a small one. Just test it out. See how it feels. Sometimes we just need to get started moving in a direction so that we aren’t stuck. We can change our minds and move in a different direction if it doesn’t work for us. But sometimes we just need to keep swimming. ConclusionThe closer we can get to seeing the world as choices rather than problems, the closer we can get to being a flow state in our lives. What I mean by flow state is when you’re playing a sport, or an instrument, or even a video game, you can hit a state where everything just feels like you can’t fail. When a problem comes up, you make decisions easily. You can easily marshal whatever resources you need, and easily handle any situation. Working on seeing the world through the lens of choices to make rather than problems to solve is not an easy shift to make, but I think that the more you can adopt this perspective, the more you can enjoy the experience of living, and not get bogged down in the challenges in your life. You are more present and mindful, and worry less about the future. By improving your ability to make choices and take action, the more you will be able to live the kind of life you want, because you will see that there are no problems, only choices.---
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Last weeks podcast got a quite a few responses and questions. Some of them turned into some back and forth discussions about some of the ideas, so I want to dig into them a little deeper.DeserveThe first question was from a listener who asked: “What if instead of looking at human existence as, "you don't deserve anything", we instead look at it as “you deserve exactly what you receive?”Now, I understand that "you don't deserve anything" seems kind of harsh, but it is what I meant. When you say that you deserve something, it means that you feel entitled to it, that it is something owed to you, and I truly believe that nothing is owed to you in this life. If life were fair, we would all be born with the same advantages, but we all know we are not. Think about it from a very basic level. The universe or god doesn’t owe anyone anything, even from they day we’re born. If this were the case, then things like infants dying in childbirth wouldn’t happen. The reason that fewer children die in childbirth now than say 100 years ago, is because we have worked as a society to improve healthcare, as well as the whole process of giving birth. This did not happen because we wished the universe would let more children survive childbirth. It happened because people over generations took actions to improve healthcare. We decided as a society that it would be better for all of us if more children survived.Some may think this attitude is cynical, but I think it’s far from it. I think the fact that we have created societies and worked to improve the health of everyone is an amazing achievement of humanity. In the Bhagavad Gita it says:

"You have the right to work, but for the work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working."

(Note, this does not refer to legal obligations. Work here means the work of living, of doing good in the world.)Nothing is ever owed or guaranteed to you in this life. Live your life in a way that you find honorable not because of some great reward, but rather because you want live honorably and in a way that you're proud of. So to circle back around let's take what the listener said, "you deserve exactly what you receive". This would mean that if someone got cancer, they somehow deserved it. If someone got screwed over in a business deal, they somehow deserved it. To me, this attaches a moralistic judgment around the person. "They must have done something to deserve it!"We do this because want to believe that life is fair, and it is not. Life happens, and we want to make sense of it. We see an effect and try to assign a cause, a motivation, a reason for it. We especially do this to ourselves. When we fail at something like a relationship, we often blame ourselves thinking we deserve what we are getting. We may be in a relationship that is not healthy for us, but we may think it's what deserve so we hold on even though we're miserable, because it's what we think we deserve. Epictetus warned of this when he said, "An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself." What this means is that when we blame others or ourselves, it is because we had expectations that were not met. If we can understand that, then we can deal with "what is", rather than getting upset about what "should be".This listener then responded saying that they were leaning towards the idea that the universe gives us was we need to learn. I know that many people feel this way, but that begs the question: who or what determines what we need? Is there some god/universe/intelligence giving us these things for us to learn?I'm of the mind that life just happens. I think there are plenty of opportunities for us to learn if we decide to take them. Plenty of people do not take them. This is why the stoics were so insistent on understanding the things you have control over - your thoughts, your choices, and your actions. In short, your will.The only way that you can learn something from an experience is because you choose to do so. Because you give some kind of meaning to an experience that helps you learn from it. This means you have to make an effort and choose to learn and grow. It doesn't just happen.Two people can go through a car wreck and have two totally different outlooks on what happened. One can come out and think it was the worst thing that ever happened because it almost killed them. The other can see it as a life affirming event that reminded them of the shortness of life so they are grateful for every moment they have left.Ryan Holiday says:

"The obstacle in the path becomes the path. Never forget, within every obstacle is an opportunity to improve our condition."

For me, this means there’s is always the opportunity to learn from any experience, but we have to step up take it. You have to develop a mindset to learn from any challenge that comes your way. That way it doesn't matter what experiences happen to you, you will learn from it. You will take those opportunities where others won't.Kindness and KarmaAlright, let’s move on to another question. This listener writes:“Hey Erick, I think the problem is most of us think that when we do good to others, then we will get the same but it doesn't happen and many of us end up being sad. Right now I am in the same situation where I feel I deserve something but as I am not getting it and constantly fail to achieve it. I feel sad. I want to know how can I avoid this mental obstacle and how can I cultivate a habit in long term where this type of mental blocks don't slow my growth or doesn't affect my well being. Also, do you believe in karma. I want to know what are your thoughts and stoic views on it.”One of the fundamental stoic principles is to recognize what you can and cannot control. To be honest, I think that it is probably the most important principle, and I think that most other principles are built off of this one simple yet powerful idea.As Wayne Dyer eloquently puts it:

“Your reputation is in the hands of others. That's what the reputation is. You can't control that. The only thing you can control is your character."

If you are only nice to others so that they’ll be nice to you, then your actions are really just a way to manipulate others. I mean, I know what it’s like to be around someone that is just being nice to you because they want something. That something might just be for us to like them or because they’re tying to get us to give them something, but nonetheless, it doesn’t feel good when others are trying to manipulate us.The way that you inoculate yourself againts this kind of unhappiness, is to decide to live the way that you want to live regardless of what others do. Your choices and actions are the only things that you control, so you decide to follow particular principles in your life. In this case, the principle is that you want to be a kind person, not because of other people, but because it’s the kind of person that you want to be. You cannot control if others will be nice to you. If you’re only nice to others when they’re nice to you, then you are allowing them to control you. You act with kindness regardless of how others act towards you. How they act should not dictate whether or not you live a certain principle. So, for the second part, do I believe in karma? At it’s origin, karma is a belief in Hinduism and Buddhism that your actions in this life have consequences in the next life. Since I don’t believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, I don’t believe in this definition in karma. I also don’t believe in karma in the more modern tit-for-tat way that many think about it. For example, many people think of karma as a force that if you do something bad, then something bad will happen to you. I don’t think it’s ever that cut and dry. That would mean there is some unseen external force that is judging what you do, and again, what’s the criteria? Who or what is making those decisions? What I do believe is that your actions have consequences, though those are often unseen and hard to trace. I believe that what you put out in the world comes back to you. For example, being kind to others doesn’t mean they’ll like you, but if you are mean and angry with others, then there is a good chance they won’t want to be around you. If you are kind to others, even when they are not kind to you, then you feel good about yourself. How they feel about you doesn’t matter. You are in control of your life because you have made a decision of how you want to live. This spills over into all other areas of your life. I find that when I am kind to others, then I generally am surrounded by others that are kind to me. If they are not, I do my best to still act how I want to, and usually just don’t spend time around them.The idea of a fair world is a hard one to shake. We think that things should just balance out a certain way, and we are often frustrated when they don’t work out how we think they should. Really, what it comes down to is that we have expectations on things outside of our control, and when those aren’t met, we aren’t happy. When you recognize that you have the power to be the kind of person you want to be in any situation, then you have the opportunity to control the one thing that you can - Yourself.---
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Do you think that life is fair? Do you think it’s unfair? Are others “winning” when you are not? Today I want to talk about how fall into a pretty bad way of thinking that reduces our ability to take responsibility for ourselves, and blame our unhappiness on the world outside of us.

Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining.

— Teddy Roosevelt

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

— Epictetus

From time to time I like to hop on the stoicism sub reddit and participate in discussions. I really appreciate is that most people are pretty thoughtful and respectful, and I often learn something new or see things in a new light. But there’s a kind of post that I see on there from time to time which I find is pretty sad. It is usually some who is upset that they are not getting all the things in life they think they deserve. They complain that the job sucks or they’re struggling with school and the teachers are mean and out to get them. Or they’re afraid to talk to someone they’re find attractive and are upset that they can’t get a date. They talk about how how they tried to be stoic, but they still aren’t getting what they deserve. They complain that other people still treat them poorly even though they are trying to be stoic. There is often a lot of blaming of others for their misfortune and lashing out at the world in general.So today’s episode is going to be a little bit of a rant, but I hope that you can bear with me.Fairness

Don't be overheard complaining…Not even to yourself.

— Marcus Aurelius

One of the hardest things for us to wrap our heads around in this world is this:We are entitled to nothing in life. We deserve nothing in this world.Now, I’m sure that might be upsetting to those of us who think that life should be fair. I’ll give you a hint:Life is not fair and never will be.How could it be? There is nothing in the universe that would be able to enforce some external rule of fairness. And if we tried to create a society of absolute fairness, who would be given the task of deciding what is fair? You? Me? As much as I’d like to think that I could be a good arbiter of fairness, I know that because of my own biases and personal failings, I could make a system that I think would be fair that plenty of others would disagree on. We could never get everyone to agree on what the definition of fairness is. As much as we might wish it, fairness is not something intrinsic in the universe. It is not a natural law like gravity. It is something that we have to create on our own as a society.Interestingly enough, I think this is proven out because one of the core virtues of Stoicism is that of Justice. What that means to me is that we need to help bring justice to the world because it is not already a natural or intrinsic part of the world.What’s ironic is that most people I see complain about the fact that world isn’t fair, are those that want the world to bend in a way that benefits them. If this were to happen, wouldn’t that make it so that world was again unfair because it benefits them and not someone else?Character

Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.

— Epictetus

Another part of this post that I wanted to talk about is the idea that if you act virtuously then everything will work out for you exactly the way that you want it. That people around you will change who they are simply because you are trying to be a good person. That because you “act” like a good person, then everything will simply come to you because you deserve it. This is never going to be the case.Let me spell it out clearly for you: You don’t deserve anything. Just because you want or think you deserve something doesn’t matter. You can think that all you want. Just because you are nice doesn’t mean that you should get to date someone you find attractive. Just because you act virtuous doesn’t mean that other people will be nice to you or not try to take advantage of you. Or that good things won’t happen to bad people (of course who are you to decide if they are bad people?).The reason that you act virtuously is not so that others will change for you. It is so that you act in a way that you feel good about. That you are living a life that you are proud of. Life will happen to you regardless of your character. Having a good character does not mean that everything will go your way. In fact, I would argue that you if you think that you deserve something because you think you have good character, you probably don’t. I think that someone with good character would recognize that they don’t deserve anything by just thinking that they are a good person. You cultivate virtue, and build your character because it’s something you want. You want to be a good person not so that you get something or you earn something. You cultivate virtue because that’s kind of person that you want to be.Doing The Work

Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.

— Steve Maraboli

Another common thread I notice is that most of their complaints are based on the outcomes they want. They complain about how they are are not getting the things they want. Rather than looking at what they are doing and finding where it doesn’t work and making changes to trying to figure out why things aren’t working, they are blaming others for why they are failing.When you get something without having to work for it, you miss out on the lessons you need to learn in order to handle the success that you have. If you haven’t learned to be a charming, fun, or interesting person and you happen to land a date with someone you’re attracted to, why should they stick around? You haven’t given them any reason to do so. Have you put in the work to be a good partner? What do you bring to the table that would make them want to date you? What about their preferences and free will? Just as you wouldn’t want to date someone that you’re not interested in, why should they be forced to?What they are asking for is all the reward without the work. If you get a college diploma, but you didn’t earn it and do the work, what happens when you get hired and after a few weeks your manager realizes that you don’t have the skills to do your job? Doing the work is how you gain the skills to be good at what you do. Doing the work is how you are able to maintain what you earn.Let’s say that you want to be a firefighter. Maybe someday you’d like to be a leader of a fire fighting squad. And let’s say that on the your first day on the job, they just give you that position. Would you be very good at it? Would you know what to do to safely put out a fire and help those in danger and keep your team safe? No you wouldn’t. In fact, if you were simply given that position without the experience or training, then you would be a bigger danger to yourself and those around you. It is only through putting in the work that you learn how to safely and effectively fight a fire and lead a team.Closing Thoughts

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.

— Dalai Lama XIV

You are responsible for the results of your life. If you want to be successful in life, study successful people. You’ll find those that are truly successful are those that take responsibility for their actions. They don’t blame others for why they are failing. Recognize the things that are blocking your path and figure out how to work around them. When you put the work in, you gain the skills to overcome any obstacle in your path. In my experience, when you stop complaining and take a good look in the mirror, you see that that the biggest blocker to your success is you. ---
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This weeks episode is an interview I did with Dr. John Chancey of the Knowledge Brews Supreme podcast. It was really fun to dive into all kinds of interesting philosophical topics with John. He's sharp, warm, and fun. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed chatting with John.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Are you afraid of your feelings? Do you avoid, numb, or shut down your emotions? How much stress and anxiety do you create trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions? Today I want to talk about the power of emotions, and how to reduce your suffering by feeling your emotions all the way through.

Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable in life.

— Robert Greene

Emotions are powerful forces in our lives. They are the drivers of the actions we take. Those actions lead to the results get in our lives. The better we are at managing our emotions, the more control we have over our lives, and more likely we are to achieve the things that we want to in our lives. What are Emotions?Emotions are complex mental states that are often a result of the interaction between our physical responses to external stimuli and our own thoughts, beliefs, and memories. Physical stimuli such as a perceived threat, pleasant touch, or intense sound can trigger a physiological response in the body, such as an increased heart rate, sweating, or changes in hormone levels. These physiological changes can influence our emotions, as our brain perceives and interprets these physical sensations and maps them to an emotional state. At the same time, our own thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences can shape how we perceive and respond to these stimuli, creating a feedback loop between our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.When we have a strong emotional response to something, it is not just a thought in our minds, but something we also feel in our body. It’s this physical dimension which often makes emotions so scary. Our brains perceive a physical threat, and reacts as if there is the possibility of actual physical harm, even if we know rationally that we’ll be just fine. VibrationsIf you were to describe what an emotion felt like to an alien, you probably describe it as something like a vibration that you feel in your body. Some of those vibrations feel nice and pleasant, and others feel negative or distressing. But really, it is more or less a vibration that comes as the result of the thoughts in your mind, and the physical circumstances around you.So why is it important to understand and manage your emotions? I want to propose the idea that most of the suffering in the world comes not from just physical pain and injury, but through emotional pain and anguish. And that suffering is made worse because we try so hard to avoid uncomfortable or painful emotions, and it is this avoidance which causes more suffering than the emotion we’re trying to avoid in the first place.Feeling our emotions is also just part of being human. When we learn how to actually feel our emotions when they come, and not avoid or suppress them, we get to experience the full range of being human. If we don’t feel sadness or grief, then it also limits our ability to feel happiness and joy. For me, this is part of what the stoics mean when they talk about living according to nature. We all feel emotions, which means they are part of our nature, and repressing or ignoring them is not living in alignment with nature. Avoidance

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.
— Seneca

One of the interesting things about humans is that we will go out of our way to avoid painful or uncomfortable emotions. And it’s this avoidance which causes us to suffer far longer and deeper than if we just felt the original emotions in the first place. We often cause more damage than the emotions themselves. When we try to avoid the emotions we’re feeling, we will often distract ourselves with activities that either numb what we’re feeling, or keep us focused on something else. Alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or porn, are just a few of the things we use for numbing ourselves. We may overindulge in other activities that keep our minds off of feeling the emotions we have. Working extended hours, binge watching Netflix, and even spending too much time in the gym can distract us from processing and feeling emotions we’re uncomfortable with. AddictionsAn inability to regulate emotions can lead to substance abuse as a form of self-medication to manage difficult emotions. Addiction and emotional suppression are often interconnected, as individuals who struggle with emotional regulation and coping may turn to substance abuse or other compulsive behaviors as a means of numbing or avoiding their emotions. On the other hand, chronic substance abuse can result in further suppression of emotions, as it alters brain chemistry and interferes with a person’s ability to experience and regulate their emotions. This creates a vicious cycle, where substance abuse and emotional suppression reinforce each other, making it difficult for individuals to break the cycle of addiction and regain control over their emotions. Effective addiction treatment often involves addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues, as well as addressing the addiction itself. Psychosomatic Disorders

Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.
— Elizabeth Gilbert

Our emotions have such an impact on our bodies that we can suffer what are called psychosomatic disorders. Psychosomatic disorders are physical conditions which are caused or worsened by psychological and emotional factors. They occur when psychological stress or anxiety manifests in physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive problems, and fatigue. These disorders are thought to result from the interaction between the mind and the body, where psychological stress can affect the functioning of the nervous and immune systems, leading to physical symptoms. Examples of psychosomatic disorders include, but are not limited to, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, and tension headaches. Treatment usually involves a combination of psychotherapy to address the underlying psychological factors, and medication to manage physical symptoms. Toxic Masculinity

The unwillingness and inability to just feel the uncomfortable physical sensations in our bodies has caused more suffering in the world than all the wars humanity has ever fought.
— Erick Cloward

One of the ideas I want to explore a little is toxic masculinity, which for me, is one of the most damaging things in our culture. Toxic masculinity is a cultural construct that refers to harmful and restrictive norms associated with masculinity, such as the suppression of emotions, aggression, dominance, and the expectation of being tough and unemotional. The inability of men to manage or sometimes even to feel their emotions is one of the most damaging behaviors in society. These toxic norms can lead to negative behaviors such as violence, bullying, and the objectification of women, and can result in negative consequences for both men and women. When men are unable to deal with their emotions in healthy ways, those emotions don’t just disappear. In my own experience, the more I try to suppress or ignore how I feel about something, it doesn’t just go away. In fact, it usually feels like it gets worse. It’s very much like a pressure cooker building up steam, until it finally finds a way to release all that energy.Toxic masculinity contributes to poor mental health and a limited expression of individuality. When you are unable to manage your emotions, then your ability to feel the fullness of being human becomes highly limited. Toxic masculinity is not synonymous with masculinity itself, but rather represents a narrow and harmful definition of it.I remember one time in college I was having a discussion with some friends about how men really have very few emotional states. At the time, I was of the opinion that men had about 5 emotions: Happy, okay (neutral), anger, fear, and sadness. The reason I thought this way was because my own emotional repertoire was very limited. Because of the emotional toxicity in my own home and the culture I grew up in, the range of emotions I knew how to safely handle was very limited.When I was married, my ex wife often ask me how I felt about something. When I would respond with just one the 5 emotions I mentioned earlier, she would ask if I felt anything deeper, if I had a broader range of emotions. I would try to dig deeper, but often found that I really didn’t know what I was feeling. There were two aspects to this. First, I often just shut off emotions I didn’t know how to deal with. This meant that the range of emotions I allowed myself to feel was pretty limited. Second, if there were other feelings outside of happiness, sadness, fear, or anger, I often couldn’t recognize them, and didn’t have the words to express how I felt. This often led to unresolved emotions which would come out in expressions of fear and anger. Riding the Waves

The more you know about your feelings, the more power you have to direct them.
— John F. Demartini

So how do we get better about feeling our emotions? What can we do to improve our ability to regulate our emotions, rather than try to suppress or avoid them? We need to become masters of feeling. We need to ride the waves our emotions.Have you ever watched big wave surfers? They’re pretty amazing to watch. When you see a master surfer out on the ocean and a big wave comes along, they get nervous and excited. Sure, that big wave is scary, but it’s also thrilling, and the more time they put themselves in the path of these waves, the better they get at riding them. And it’s the power and the energy in that wave that makes it exciting to ride. I like to think of emotions like waves on the ocean and we’re all surfers, and we are not allowed to get out of the ocean. These emotional waves are going to come at you whether you like them or not, which is pretty much how life is. So you have choice. When these waves come a long you can try to avoid them. But if you spend your whole life not learning how to deal with your feelings, those waves are still there and will still pull you under and knock you over, especially you’ve never really learned how to handle them. Or, you can decide to try and get on that wave when it comes along. You’ll get knocked over sometimes and it’ll feel like you’re drowning. Sometimes you’ll get on the board and start riding the wave and make some progress only to fall off and biff it. As you get better at riding the waves of your emotions, you’ll find you’re able to handle even larger waves and come out the other side feeling the thrill of handling yourself in a way that is so much healthier. You’ll even start to look forward to all emotions that come your way because you know you can handle them, and they make life feel so much richer and fuller. Practical Steps

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
— Kahlil Gibran

The first thing is to recognize that emotions are natural. Every single one of them, so rather than fear them, we should welcome them. We need to recognize that we’re going to have positive and negative emotions, and that we should welcome both of them. We can’t cancel out the dark or negative ones and only accept the positive ones. And the thing is, we want to feel all the emotions in our lives, and not just the positive ones. There are times we want those negative emotions, such as grief, for example, when someone close to you dies, or feeling the heartbreak at the end of a relationship.Second, we need to recognize that emotions are just a feeling, a physical sensation, a vibration in our body. They can often feel overwhelming and terrible, but that vibration in your body is not going to kill you, even if your mind is trying to convince you otherwise.Third, is that when we have an emotion, the best thing we can do is to step right up and do our best to embrace it. The more we try to avoid or suppress it, the longer it will hang around. The healthiest and honestly the fastest way to deal with emotions is to feel them. The harder we try to avoid emotions, the longer they stick around. Emotions don’t go away, but will show up in other ways. When we stop resisting, we allow our mind and our body to process how we are feeling, and let it move through us like it’s naturally supposed to. The last thing to remember is that emotions show up in physical ways, and processing them is a physical act. We need to find physical ways to let them through. I know for me when I’m feeling an incredibly strong emotion, positive or negative, I will often cry when I just let it pass through. It’s what I need to release all that energy, and afterwards I feel so much better. I may feel tired, but I usually feel calm. I feel clean like I’ve just purged a whole bunch of heavy energy which was weighing me down.Learning how to manage and regulate our emotions is a skill we all have to learn if we want to live our best lives. Emotions are a fabric of our lives, and are not something you can avoid. Try as you might, those waves are going to keep on coming for as long as you’re alive. So you have a choice. Are you going to try and avoid them only to get pulled under gasping for air, or are you going to turn into the wave, ride it like a pro, and feel the fullness of your life?---
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Growing up, many of us feel like we only have a few options in how to live our lives. Like, there is a list of things we need to check off to be happy. Certain careers that are acceptable. Certain kinds of people we should date and marry. Goals we are expected to obtain in order to live life correctly. Often we get stuck in thinking that we have a few choices in life, and we think that’s how it’s supposed to be.How would your life be different if you viewed yourself as something you get to create and to become someone you admire? Are you living the life you want to? If you aren’t, how do you create big changes in your life? Today I want to talk about, rather than simply growing and getting better little by little, what if you transformed yourself into something completely different?

We are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it.
— Seneca

Why does it seem that changes we want to make take far longer than we think they should? Often, we get by just making small and minor adjustments in our lives. We have found a way of living that works for us, and we don’t want to upset things. We are “fat and happy” as they say, and don’t want to upset our comfortable lives. We are stuck playing it safe, rather than just transforming our lives.But when we think about it, can we ever really consider this growth? To me, this sounds more like maintenance, like we’re keeping an old building running with minor tweaks. For me, this is coasting. This is playing it safe.I think for many of us, there are periods of our lives when we get complacent. We are comfortable, and for many of us, this fine… or is it? What if you get to the end of your life and you see the opportunities you could have taken which would have made a dramatic change in your life and in the lives of others, but because you sought comfort over change you let those opportunities go? While incremental change is good and helpful, if we want to be greater than we are, we need to change who we are as a person. We have chances all throughout our lives to step up and to become someone far greater than what we are.

I made a prosperous voyage when I was shipwrecked.
— Zeno

Zeno of Citium, a wealthy merchant, was the founder of the Stoic school of philosophy. On a voyage, he survived a shipwreck where he lost a great fortune. He ended up in Athens, and while trying to figure out what to do next, he was introduced to philosophy at a local bookshop. Zeno, so taken with the description of Socrates in Xenophon’s Memorabilia, asked the bookseller where he might find a philosopher along the same lines as Socrates. Crates of Thebes, the most famous Cynic living at that time in Greece, happened to have been passing by the bookshop. The owner of the bookstore introduced the two and Zeno became a pupil.While Zeno could have bemoaned his fate, he took the opportunity of a clean slate to make a radical change in his life and become a completely different person. His teachings have resonated throughout history and humanity benefited because of his willingness to turn adversity into a life-changing opportunity.

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
— Marcus Aurelius

Now, the brain’s main job is to keep us safe. If something is not threatening us or dangerous, and we’re comfortable, then it makes it challenging to step up and change. Our ego will create all kinds of resistance, make all kinds of excuses, and even self-sabotage us, because it wants to keep us safe.The kind of change I’m talking about is changing who you are at a core level, and your ego will certainly feel the fear that comes with this. This is changing your identity. It’s about letting go of who you think you are at this moment, so you can become who you want to be. The tighter you hold on to who you are, and defend who you think you are, the harder it is to become this better and more evolved person.This type of change takes a willingness to be fearless and step into the challenges so you can learn, and see the obstacles not as things to be avoided, but the very things that strengthen you and make you even more resilient.It’s a willingness to upset the status quo, and give up the good so you can get to the great.

Doing what you have always done, will only get you more of what you have always gotten.

The kind of change I’m talking about is transformation, not growth. Transformation comes about when we decide we want to be a different person, rather than just trying to be a better version of who we are.

**If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.

– Seneca**

Now like Zeno, sometimes changes are thrust upon us through circumstances or the actions of others, and it's important that we find ways to step up and face what life sends our way. But, what if I told you that you could decide to change who you are at any time? That you don’t have to wait until calamity strikes in order to decide to make a big change in your life. You can choose at any time to change who you are, and become a far different person than who you are now.So why don’t we do this more often? Because we get comfortable. We get stuck. We think life is just supposed to be the way it currently is. We forget we can choose at any time to become someone different. But in order to become an even better person, we have to let go of who we currently are, and that is scary. We have to question our own identity, our own belief systems of what we think is true and who we are, so we can become someone even greater. But you might be thinking, “Well, the stoics tell us we need to accept life for how it is, what we should learn to be happy with life gives us”, and while this is true, it does not mean they are mutually exclusive. You can be accepting and happy with what life gives you, AND still want to step up and become something greater.In fact, we need you to be the best version of yourself and contribute to the world in a positive way. We evolve as a species by being willing to step up and not just find comfort and pleasure, but by trying to improve the world for as many people as possible.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.
— William James

So how do we make these changes? How do we become this better version of ourselves? This is something I’m still trying to work out, but here’s a few ideas to start with.First, you need to understand that you are allowed to do anything you want to in your life. When I say this to people, I’m often met with shocked expressions. The idea that we are allowed to choose for ourselves is one of the scariest and most powerful ideas that we can internalize. From birth, so many of us are not taught this lesson. It’s like we’re given a list of a few choices of how we’re supposed to live. But the thing is, it’s a false choice. You don’t have to choose from that list. You can make your own list. It took me decades to truly understand this. Whether it’s through our families, our church, our culture, or the media, we are always being given subtle and not so subtle messages about what we are allowed to do with our lives. When I was a church member, I felt like I could only do what were okay with churc h doctrine. I felt so powerless and not in control of my life. Once I left, I realized I was the only one who could decide how I wanted to live.When I say you can do anything you want, there are a few caveats. We need to remember you are not able to choose or control your circumstances. You are also not able to choose the outcomes or consequences of your choices. Remember, we can only control our thoughts, choices, and actions. Nothing more.

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
— Alan Watts

The next step is to spend some time really getting to know who you currently are. I know it sounds funny, because if anyone should know you, it’s you. But the truth is, we all have blindspots, and most of those come from our ego. We will often ignore or change our interpretations of things so we are comfortable with ourselves. We will downplay things that might make us look bad, and put more weight on things that make us look better.Getting to really know yourself is challenging, because it’s very uncomfortable to take a clear and honest look at yourself. This is where accepting yourself for exactly who you are can make a world of difference. You’ll have to practice letting go of judgments about yourself, and try to be as factual as you can. A good way to help in this area is to ask someone you trust to be honest and blunt with you..One thing to keep in mind as you work through this process self-knowledge is that your past does not equal your future. Just because you did something in the past or something happened to you in the past does not mean you will be the same in the future. You can decide to let that shit go, and recognize who you were in the past is exactly that - who you were in the past, not who you’re going to be.Once you’ve taken time to understand and get to know yourself, the next step is to identify who you want to be. What kind of values and attributes does your ideal you have? Are you kind? Thoughtful? Generous? What kinds of behaviors do you have? How are those behaviors and attributes different than who you are now? What kind of thought patterns does this future you have?I would suggest you take some time to write a future auto biography of this new you. You only need a few pages, but try to create as detailed a portrait of this person and their character as you can. The more details you have, the easier it will be to imagine this future you and act accordingly. Being able to have a clear and in depth profile of this person will give you something to refer to over the next few months as you work to become this future version of you.Once you’ve taken the time to envision this new you, take some time to think about what you could do to help yourself take action to become this person. When you create a todo list for the day, think about what things this version of yourself would do. Do they get up early? What do they eat? What books would this person read? Try and be as detailed as possible.Once you embark on this path of becoming the new you, be sure to take time and reflect back at the end of each day. Are the actions you’re taking beneficial? Are your ways of thinking helping you to become this kind of person? Are the people you’re spending your time with helping you along your path or are they hindering you? Are you creating habits that help you along this path of the new you?There’s a lot that goes into who we think we are and the roles we play in our lives. Often we get stuck in patterns of thinking which hold us back from becoming the person we want to be. Sometimes, rather than just making small incremental changes, we need to change our whole belief system and become another person.The Stoics teach us the most powerful tool we have is our perspective. This is the lens through which we view the rest of the world, and give meaning to the events in our lives. When we decide to see the world through the perspective of the future version of ourselves, that's when we can make significant progress in a short amount of time.I know I’ve put a lot of information in this episode. I actually had writer's block when I started this, but once I got rolling it was hard to keep up with the ideas that kept coming. At some point in the future I’ll take these ideas and put them into a more formalized format, but I hope some of these ideas will spark some big changes in your lives.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

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Mind Over Mood: The Stoic Art of ReframingOne of the things we talk about a lot in stoicism is that it’s our perspective on something that causes our distress. So how do we change our perspective on things? Are there tools that we can use to help us view things differently? Today I want to talk about some of the things that get in our way of broadening our perspective, and what tools we can use to help change our perspective.

It is not the things themselves that disturb people, but their judgments about these things.

— Epictetus

Great minds do not always think alike.

— Anonymous.

One of the most important ideas in stoicism is that our perspective is what informs and colors our opinion about things that happen in our lives. Being aware of our own perspective is very challenging because we really only interact with the world through our own point of view and filters.We have attitudes and biases that we are often not aware of which affect how we interpret the world and how we decide to respond to events and other people. Basically, we act based on our judgments, and our judgments are formed by what we think about a situation.For example, say that we have two people, Jane and Tony, and they are walking down the street to a coffee shop. They pass by a group of teenagers with skateboards hanging outside a convenience store. Now when Jane sees them, she smiles and remembers how she used to ride a skateboard at that age and how fun it was to hang out with her friends. When Tony sees the same group of kids, he becomes tense and anxious because he remembers some kids in his neighborhood where he grew up that rode skateboards and used to chase him and beat him up. Each of them are seeing the exact same situation, but having completely different emotions about it based on their experience and their thoughts about the group of teenagers.Reframing is a when we actively work on changing our perspective on something. First, we become aware of our thinking. Second, we question our thinking by looking for evidence, and using logic to prove or disprove our thoughts. Third, we correct errors in our thinking which helps us change what we make something mean.So why is it important for us to improve our ability to change our perspective of how we view the world? When we learn how shift our perspective on things, then we are better able to see things as they are, and not just act on our first impressions. We need a fuller picture and have a clearer understanding, which helps us make better choices. Sometimes, just getting slightly different perspective on something can completely change how we view something.One of the clearest examples of how reframing can radically change how we understand something is from the movie, The Sixth Sense. If you haven’t seen The Sixth Sense, I’m warning you now that I’m going to reveal some big spoilers. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you watch it then come back and finish this episode.The Sixth Sense opens with psychologist Malcolm Crowe, who is played by Bruce Willis, and his wife Anna, played by Olivia Williams, getting ready to go out to dinner. A patient of Malcolm’s break into their house and ends up shooting Malcolm and then killing himself. After this indecent, the movie introduces us to Cole, played by Haley Joel Osment, a frightened and withdrawn boy, who is now a patient of Malcom’s.As the movie progresses we see that Malcom has been struggling to communicate with his wife and their relationship seems very strained. We also learn that Cole has the ability to see dead people, which is the cause of his fear. Malcolm helps Cole to try and understand how to deal with this ability, and the two begin to form a strong bond. Near the end of the movie, which up to this point has seemed like a relationship between a boy and his therapist, it is finally revealed that Malcolm is actually dead, but didn’t know that he was dead.When it finally clicked for me that Malcom was dead, it shifted my whole perspective on what the movie was actually about. It was also fascinating how it changed Malcolm’s perspective on who he was, and what was really happening. When I went back and watched it again, it felt like I was watching a completely different movie. Scenes where it seemed like Malcolm was interacting with his wife or with anyone other than Cole, were completely changed knowing that Malcolm was dead, but was unaware of it. It was an extraordinary instance of my perspective shifting with new information.So what can we do to get better with reframing the world around us so we can make wiser choices? There are a few practices that we can do which can really help change how we view a situation.One of the first things we can do it to is identify cognitive distortions, which are common patterns of thinking that lead to negative or irrational thoughts. This is very inline with what Seneca meant when he wrote:

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality.

— Seneca

We see what we believe rather than what we see.

— Allen Watts

Some cognitive distortions include the following:All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is where we think that things are one way or another, such as good or bad or black or white. This pattern makes it hard to see that there are shades of gray, that there are nuances in every situation, and in every person. It also makes is challenging to see that sometimes both options can be true.An example of this comes from a listener who asked me how to reconcile self acceptance with self improvement. They felt that if they accepted themselves for who they were, it meant they were giving up on self improvement. But these things are not mutually exclusive. You can accept yourself and all your flaws, AND still want to improve. Just like how you accept a young child for who they are and all the things they are not good at, and want them to grow and improve.Mind Reading: This is when we think that we know what other people are thinking. We may make assumptions of their opinion of us, or what their motivations or intent are without any evidence. This is something that I have struggled with throughout my life, much of it came from having to stay on my toes around my father. I was constantly guessing what he was thinking so that I could stay safe.Personalization: This is when we take responsibility for things that are not our fault, or blame ourselves for things that are out of our control. This type of thinking can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. Often, this behavior comes from living in a dysfunctional home. If there is one or more parent that doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and puts the blame on other members of the family, children learn to accept blame for things they haven’t done in order to keep the peace.Catastrophizing: This is the tendency to exaggerate the significance of negative events, and to expect the worst possible outcome. This type of thinking can lead to feelings of anxiety, fear, and hopelessness. This pattern of thinking can lead people to feel easily overwhelmed because of the emotional weight they put on even minor events. It can also stop us from making progress in challenging situations because it makes them seem far more difficult than they actually are, leading to bad decisions or just outright giving up.Once you become aware of these distortions, you can challenge them and reframe them into more balanced and realistic thoughts. Writing down your thoughts in a journal and answering questions such as, “Is this thought really true?" or "Is there any evidence to support or contradict this thought?” is one of the best ways to become aware of these kind of patterns and notice how they impact your thinking.You can also discuss them with someone you trust if you find that more helpful. The point is to find a way to recognize those thoughts and question them in a rational and logic manner so that you can see things for what they really are.Once you have a handle on what you are thinking and have made the effort to logic through cognitive distortions, you can use what you have learned to change how you view something. For example, rather than assuming that you know what someone is thinking, you recognize that you don’t know until you ask, or they volunteer the information. Rather than taking blame for things that you have no control over, you only take responsibility for your choices and actions, and let go of the rest.For any of these practices to be effective there is a core skill that we need to develop. For me this one skill is the most important in Stoicism, and that is the skill of mindfulness. Now, I know that sound like a broken record because I talk about mindfulness and meditation a lot. The reason for this is that all other practices and processes we might use to improve ourself are dependent on awareness. If we are unaware of our thoughts, perspectives, and cognitive distortions, then it makes it nearly impossible to change anything.

Until we make the unconscious conscious, we will call it fate and it will rule our lives.

— Carl Jung

I’ve used this quote by Jung many times because it is such an important insight. Even just taking 15 minutes a day to sit and pay attention to you mind and observe your thinking can make a big difference. Remember, mediation is not about zoning out, it is about focusing your attention on your thoughts, your body, and your environment. Just as you would take time to work out to strengthen your body, meditation is taking time to strengthen your mind.The ability to change and broaden our perspective is probably one of the most important skills that we can develop in our lives. It is also one of the most helpful, since the ability to see things from multiple perspectives gives a more holistic picture of a situation or event. A fuller picture can help you see and understand things you may have missed if you only rely on your own narrow perspective. It can help us understand other people and how they think, and handle situations in a way that is more beneficial to ourselves and those around us.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Trever Yarrish is the owner and founder of Zeal Software and the HIIVE co-working space. He is also a good friend and one of my favorite people to chat with about stoicism. He's an avid student of stoicism and brings many of the stoic principles and ideas into his companies as well as his personal life. We sat down and had a chat about life, work, family, and the importance of having a process for managing your mind and emotions.

Books mentioned in the podcast:
The Power of Giving Away Power
Existential Kink---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Find me on instagram or twitter.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Hey everyone, this year has been an especially rough year for many of us. I can honestly say it has been for me. I had another episode mostly written but I decided that I wanted to change things up and talk about what I have learned over the past year, and ask you about the most important things you have learned.The past few years have been quite a ride for the world. With Covid shutting down so many things and altering our way of life in so many ways, we have all been affected in big and small ways. For me, the company I work for shut down our offices and we now all work remote. Since the company I work for is very small, we all decided that it wasn’t worth the risk since if one of us got sick and came into the office, there was a high likelihood that everyone else would catch it as well. This has been a mixed blessing. I enjoy working from home and having a lot a freedom and flexibility in my work. But, I’m also an extrovert and a very social person. I really enjoy spending time with others. Finding connection with other people is one of the things that feeds my soul, and Covid made that very challenging. Over time, I found myself retreating more and more and reached out less and less to friends. I think I also fell into a bit of depression because of my lack of time with others, as well as struggling with my own self esteem.I had also stopped the podcast a while before the pandemic, but a year or so in, I decided for my own sanity to restart it so that I could spend some time each week tending to my mental health by working on the podcast. Each episode that I create is more than likely something I’m struggling with at the time I’m working on it. This helped me focus on the shit that I was dealing with, and try to find some ways to effectively deal with them. I call the podcast my public therapy.But I think this last year has been one of the hardest but also one with some incredible growth. This year I’ve been working through the ending of my primary relationship with my partner of almost 9 years. In many ways I really put off dealing with it, which unfortunately made things much harder. It hasn’t been until the past few months that I felt like I had the strength and the skills to face it head on. It was why I took a break from the podcast at the beginning of last year, under the guise of spending more time working on learning Unreal Engine to change my career path. I felt a lot of shame over my failure to fix the issues in my relationship, and felt like a failure and a hypocrite if I continued the podcast. I mean how could I tell you, my audience, how to improve your lives when mine felt like a disaster?But as I’ve worked through the ending of that relationship, I’ve learned some things about myself that helped me make some big strides, and I felt it was important to share them with you. I worked through some big blindspots and learned a lot about myself, and finally felt like I had a grasp on some concepts that could really move the needle for anyone who was trying to improve their lives. Many of those became episodes, and I feel like they’ve been some of my best. So now, I’d like to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year.Lesson One: Failure is just missed expectations. I often talk a lot about learning from failure on this podcast, and it’s become very popular to talk about being okay with failure. But, to be honest, I think that even though we say it’s okay to fail there’s a part of us that still struggles to accept that. We don’t like failing at things, even if we say it’s okay to fail. But over the last year, I finally started to make sense of a quote from Epictetus that took me many years to understand:

An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself."

― Epictetus

The reason why this was hard for me to understand is that when something goes wrong or there is some kind of failure, I used to think there was always someone to blame. But what I’ve come to realize is that we only consider something a failure because we have some expectations around it. When we just accept that something happened the way that it did because that’s how all the circumstances and variables lined up, then there is really no one to “blame”. When we can simply look at something dispassionately as cause and effect, and release any expectations about what we think should happen, we are able to observe, accept, and deal with what is. We learn to deal with reality as best we can, and not be upset that things didn’t happen as we wished they would. Lesson Two: You are worthy of love because you exist. Often, I felt like I had to be perfect for someone to love me. I felt like I had to be perfect for me to love and accept myself, and this is simply not the case. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and to accept yourself. And there are several things to consider around this that support my opinion. First, no one can ever be perfect. There is no absolute standard of what a “perfect” person is. And if there was, who would be the one to set that standard? Why should they be the one to set that standard? You have the ability to set the standards for yourself, and part of that standard, in my opinion, should be how kind and compassionate a person can be with themselves.Second, people will love you because they choose to do so. You have no control over who loves you. As the stoics have well established we can’t control other people.Third, the stoics recognized that we are all part of the human family and that we are here to help each other the best we can. If we live a life that is only centered around ourselves, then we have missed some of the best things in life. It’s been shown through many experiments and studies that the best way to create joy in your life is to help other people. So do your best to help others, and let them help you.Lesson Three: The more you run away from the things that you fear, the more power they have over you.

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality."

— Seneca.

Throughout the evolution of mankind, there were plenty of mortal threats that we had to have healthy sense of fear in order to stay safe. For the most part, most of us life in fairly safe places where we rarely have to worry about our physical safety. Most of the things that cause us distress are the thoughts, perceptions, and opinions in our own minds. In other words, we create our own fear. We stress ourselves out. We are the main source of our suffering.More often than not, when we take the time to examine our own thinking about something, we can see that it is our imagination that is really scaring us. We create the worst case scenario in our minds, and convince ourselves that it is the most likely outcome. Whether that’s a hard conversation with our partner, kids, or friends, or standing up when there is an injustice that we object to, we imagine the worst outcome, and scare ourselves into inaction. We may fail to see that what we consider to be an awful outcome might be a great opportunity. Lesson Four: You need to be the source of your self esteem. For a lot of us, especially those who grew up in chaotic and unstable homes, we developed ways to deal with the chaos that, while they were helpful at the time, don’t serve us well in adulthood. Many of us become “people pleasers” in order to stay safe so that we minimize the abuse we suffered from the people closest to us. In my case, this was the unpredictable rage that came from my father. And when I say “people pleaser”, it really isn’t about pleasing the other person. It means that we try to figure out how to keep the other person happy so that we don’t upset the person we look to as our source of love. When we get into relationships later in life, we will carry these ways of coping with us because it’s what we know. The problem is that if we’re with a partner that has a healthier sense of themselves and how relationships work, these kind of coping skills don’t work. We will try to figure out what we should say or do so this person will love us. We discard our own wants and needs so that this person will still love us. But, to anyone that understands healthy relationships, this is manipulation. We aren’t being honest, we aren’t being our authentic selves. We are trying to be what we think they want to be so that they will stay happy with us and love us. So lesson number four is that we can’t expect others to be our source of self esteem and healing. We need to be that source for ourselves. To be honest, it is completely unfair that we should expect our partners to be the only source of love for us, and that they should be the ones to fix us. That’s a lot of pressure on anyone. It is also putting our source of self esteem outside of ourselves, so we aren’t in control of it. When we learn how to accept and love ourselves, we become that source of love for ourselves. We take control of how we feel about ourselves, which means that we can show up in our relationships as a whole person that can accept the love of others, but is not dependent on it. This also means that rather than looking to the other person for what they can give us, we can find healthier ways to give and take in a relationship, rather than just taking.There are a lot of other lessons that I learned this year, but these are the core ones that stood out to me, especially the lesson of self acceptance. Realizing that by putting that burden on someone else means that it is out of my control was really a life changer. It’s not an easy thing to change your thinking around yourself, and just accept yourself for exactly who you are. There is a lot of pressure to conform to societal ideas of perfection, that no one can ever live up to. There’s a lot of power in accepting yourself for exactly who you are, and extending that to others. So what lessons have you learned this year? What helped move the needle for you? Are there things that you finally understood that make a big impact on your life? If you’d like to share, please share them on instagram. The account for the podcast is @stoic.coffee. If you’re on twitter, you can find me at @StoicCoffee. I’ll put a post up there about lessons learned in 2022. I’d love to hear what you’ve learned over the last year that really impacted your life.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Find me on instagram or twitter.
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Are you confident person? Do you have faith in yourself as person? Are you comfortable with who you are? Today I want to talk about how we often will self sabotage ourselves not because we don’t have the skill or capacity to do something, but because we let self doubt creep in and stop us from sharing our gifts and talents.

To have self-confidence is to trust in one's own abilities and judgement. It is the foundation of success and happiness.

• Seneca

Self-confidence is an essential quality that helps us lead a successful and fulfilling life. It is the foundation of personal growth, and it enables us to face challenges and pursue our goals with determination and resilience. Unfortunately, many people struggle with low self-confidence and feel insecure about their abilities and worth. This can hold them back from reaching their potential and living a fulfilling life.I think that many of us, and I include myself in this group, feel like we have a lot to give to this world, but we often are afraid to step up and share our gifts. And to be honest, I think the world can use a lot more of our talents and abilities. When we let fear get the better of us, we really miss out on contributing to the world in a positive way. One of the example of where I really struggle with this is in creating this podcast. Each week I sit down and write and share my thoughts about stoicism and living a good life. The thing is, I really struggle with living these principles myself. There are times when I feel like such an imposter because I fail to live up to the standards I have set for myself. Most of the topics that I share on this podcast come directly from the things I’m struggling with in my own life. I keep doing it because it’s always a time for me to reflect on the things that I’m struggling with and hopefully help inspire others to keep pushing through.There are several strategies and principles from Stoicism that can help us gain confidence in ourselves and overcome these insecurities. Here are a few key ideas to consider:Focus on what you can control. One of the central tenets of Stoicism is the idea that we should only concern ourselves with things that are within our control, and let go of those that are outside our control. By focusing on what we can control – such as our own thoughts, attitudes, and actions – we can gain a sense of agency and empowerment that can boost our confidence. When we are able to let go of the things that we can’t control, we are able to use our energy towards things where we can an impact, and let go of the things where we have no impact.Another key principle of Stoicism that goes hand in hand with control is that of acceptance, or the idea that we should embrace whatever comes our way, whether it is good or bad. This doesn't mean we should simply resign ourselves to our circumstances, but rather that we should learn to accept them and make the most of them. The act of acceptance is really just acknowledging and accepting reality. The more are able to just accept things as they are, and not wish they were something different, the better we can develop a sense of inner peace and resilience that can help us feel more confident and self-assured.

The only thing we have control over is our own thoughts and actions. When we focus on improving ourselves and living according to our values, we gain confidence and inner peace.

• Zeno of Citium

We can practice mindfulness. By focusing on the present moment and accepting things as they are, we can reduce anxiety and cultivate a sense of peace and inner strength. This can help us to approach challenges with a clear mind and the confidence that we can handle whatever comes our way. When we practice mindfulness and being present, we are also not worrying about the future or ruminating on the past. Remember, mindfulness is not zoning out, but it is being as present in your body as you possibly can. It’s about noticing how your body feels and all the sensations of being alive in this moment.

Don't let what you can't do stop you from doing what you can do.

• John Wooden

I think the biggest killer of self confidence is its polar opposite, self doubt. Often times we fail simply because we let self doubt creep in. We let that internal voice, our ego, that wants to keep us safe and avoid failure, knock us off our path. This is really one of that saddest things because we often truly have the skills to accomplish our goals, but because there is a risk of failure, our ego is trying to protect us. If we don’t try, then we can’t fail. And the thing is, we going to fail. A lot. We’ll probably fail more times than we succeed, and our culture failure is often seen as one of the worst things you can do. I know a systems engineer that worked for Nike a few years ago. He was tasked with fixing a server that managed the sales system in their company stores. One time he made a mistake and misconfigured the server and their sales system was down for a few hours. Unfortunately, they were fired. Rather than looking at this as a chance to learn where their systems had some weak points, the management decided that it was more important to punish the person who cause the system failure. This was an opportunity to learn something, but it was squandered because they wanted somewhere to place the blame more than they wanted to find the weak points in their system.One of the the way that we can learn to accept and even appreciate failure is by developing mental discipline. Mental discipline is the ability to control our thoughts, and by extension our emotions. By practicing techniques such as mindfulness and learning to look at things through multiple perspectives, we can become more aware of negative thought patterns and emotion states that can hold us back and instead cultivate a positive and confident mindset.

Be confident in your own abilities. Believe in yourself, and others will believe in you too.

• Marcus Aurelius

The last point that I want to talk about is one of the most difficult things for many people, myself included. Far too often we let the opinions of others dissuade us from stepping up and becoming the person that we want to be and doing what we want to do. We stop ourselves from being our authentic and true selves because we’re afraid that others may not like us, or even reject us. And this is not an irrational fear. Earlier in human history, if you were cast of the tribe, it could mean your death because of lack of food, shelter, and protection. But the thing is, even though it can feel like it’s the end of the world, in our modern society, you can always find somewhere to fit in, and find people that like you for you. But more than anything, if someone doesn’t like who you are when you are being authentically you, then they are not your people. They are not your tribe. Your worthiness as a human and as person does not come from what others think of you. It does not come from your successes or your failures. It is simply there because you are a human being on this planet. Aristotle said, “Self-confidence is not something that can be given to you. It must be earned, through hard work and determination." We aren’t always confident when we start a task or a project. But the most important thing is that you start it anyway, and gain that confidence along the way. It may take a while to be good at something, and the first step is have confidence that you will get better with each step.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Are you a nice person or are you a kind person? Do you know the difference? Today I want to talk about whether it’s better to be nice or kind.

Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.

— Seneca

I few weeks ago, I stumbled on a discussion on twitter of all place about the difference between being nice and being kind. It was an idea that I had never really thought about, so today I want to look at this idea from a stoic perspective.I’m sure that most of us at some point when we were kids were told that we needed to be nice to everyone. We may have been scolded for not “being nice” when we said something that upset someone else, as if we had control over how that other person felt. This was often mixed in with being told that we’re being “unkind”, so I think the place to start is to define each of these terms.The definition of being nice is, “Pleasing and agreeable in nature. Exhibiting courtesy and politeness”, whereas the definition of kind is, “Generous, helpful, and caring about other people”.In Stoic philosophy, being kind and being nice are often seen as two distinct virtues. Being kind is generally considered to be an essential virtue, and as a fundamental aspect of being a good person. The Stoics believed that the key to living a virtuous life was to cultivate the four cardinal virtues: wisdom, courage, justice, and moderation. Being kind falls under the virtue of justice, since it involves treating others fairly and with empathy. On the other hand, being nice is typically seen as a less essential virtue, because it’s often more focused on pleasing others and avoiding conflict. Since one of the most important things we learn is stoicism is that we cannot control what other people think or feel, we can see that sometimes people will be nice in an attempt to please or manipulate others. They are trying to control or influence how the other person thinks or feels about them. On the other hand, being kind is very much within our control. Being kind is when we act in such a way that is helpful to others. We aren’t doing something just so that we look good or that others will like us. We are simply living our principles.

Life is so hard, how can we be anything but kind?

— Jack Kornfield

If we dig a little deeper in stoic philosophy, the difference between being nice and being kind can also be understood through the the concepts of moral goodness and moral worth. Moral goodness refers to actions that align with virtue whereas moral worth refers to the character of a person.Being nice can include actions that could be considered virtuous, however, being nice does not necessarily require someone to have a virtuous character. For example, someone may give money to charity simply because it makes them look good, rather than because they genuinely care about the well-being of others. In this sense, being nice is a matter of moral goodness, but not necessarily moral worth.On the other hand, being kind means having a virtuous character and doing actions that align with virtues. A kind person is someone who consistently demonstrates virtues such as compassion and generosity, not just in their actions, but in their overall disposition and character. Being kind involves both moral goodness and moral worth.In his letter "On Tranquility of Mind," Seneca wrote, "The first step in a life of wisdom is to establish our moral worth, to make ourselves good men; the second is to become good at what we do." In other words, Seneca believed that in order to live a good life, we must first focus on developing our character and doing virtuous actions.Similarly, Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations, "Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one." This quote highlights the importance of not just talking about virtues, but actually practicing and embodying them in our lives.I’ve noticed that some cultures are often kind, but not always nice. Others tend to be nice, but are not necessarily kind. When I lived in Austria, I found that the people were not always nice, and were often very blunt, but they were very kind and would often go out of their way to help friends and strangers in need. Of course, this is just a generalization because it will vary from person to person.I think in many ways, being nice is more about the appearance of what you do, and kindness is about doing something because it’s the virtuous thing to do. It’s taking care of someone’s kids when they’re in the hospital and not just sending “thoughts and prayers”.The last aspect of kindness that I want to touch on is that of self kindness. One of the key principles of Stoicism is that external events are beyond our control, and that our happiness is dependent on our own actions and attitudes. This means that being kind is not just about being nice to others, but also about being kind to ourselves and treating ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we would show to others. In my own experience, I’ve found that as I’ve learned to be kinder and less judgmental to myself, it makes it easier to be kinder and less judgmental of others. In fact, I’ve found that the people who are often harsh on other people are usually really hard on themselves. By being kind to ourselves, we become less judgmental and kinder to others.While being nice is often seen as a desirable quality, it is not as essential as being kind. Being kind involves treating others with empathy and fairness, and also involves being kind to ourselves. The difference between being nice and being kind can also be understood through the concepts of moral goodness and moral worth in stoic philosophy. While being nice involves performing actions that align with virtues, being kind involves developing a virtuous character which would drive you towards virtuous actions. In order to live a good life, stoic philosophers emphasized the importance of cultivating virtues in both our actions and our character which is essential for finding happiness and fulfillment.---
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A cross post of a chat with Tanner Campbell of the Practical Stoicism podcast. Tanner is warm, smart, and interesting, with a great podcast. If you enjoy my work then you'll probably enjoy his podcast as well.

You can find the Practical Stoicism podcast here: https://stoicismpod.com

The three books I mentions can be found here:Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman & Kaley Klemp

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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Do you want your life to be easy? Do you complain, get stressed out, or upset when challenges come up in your life? Today I want to talk about why we should not only accept adversity in our lives, but learn to embrace it.

The path of least resistance is a terrible teacher.

— Ryan Holiday

One of the things that I notice all the time are ads on Facebook promising some easy hack to get more clients, make more sales, lose weight faster, etc. It seems as if everything can be reduced to some kind of easy hack to be successful. And I’ll admit that I have fallen for some these. I’ve purchased a program that is supposed to teach me the “easy way” to one thing or another, only to find that there usually is no easy being successful at something. So why do we look for the easy way? Why are we often taken in by promises of easy success? I think it’s pretty obvious because working hard at something is, well, hard. But I want to posit a few ideas on this. While we think it would great to have easy success with something, do we lose something if we have easy success? I want you to consider the idea that if we have an easy success at something, we may be cheating ourselves of some of the most important skills we need.Think of it this way: Who are we more impressed by? The person that was simply given everything in their life? The ones got their jobs or were admitted into schools, not because of their own merit, but because of their family connections or wealth? Or are we more impressed by those who came up against incredible obstacles and persevered? Which story is going to make a movie that we’d actually want to watch?

One should never wish for life to be easy. It is through adversity that we strengthen our skills, test our mettle, and know what we are capable of.

— Erick Cloward

I’ve often talked about how I love cycling, and for several years, I was obsessed with it. I would ride at least 3 times a week logging around 150-200 miles a week. I found pleasure in tackling the big hills around my home. It wasn’t just that I knew that I would be stronger because of the work I was putting in, it was because I really enjoyed climbing those hills, I loved the feeling of the burn in my legs and feeling my strength as I pushed myself to the summit. Over the years I’ve come up with excuses as to why I don’t ride like that anymore, but I think it’s really that I convinced myself that it was just too hard do anymore. I’ve felt discouraged that I let myself go, and I know the amount of work it will take to get to that level again. But in doing all that, I forgot the simple idea that I don’t have to be that good again. I just have to remember to love the process, to enjoy the ride, and to savor the burn. If I put the miles in, while I may not ever reach that level again, I’ll certainly improve over where I am now, and certainly improve my health.The SpartansThe Spartan story of Leonidas and the Battle of Thermopylae is considered one of the greatest military conflicts in history. Xerxes, the King of Persia and an estimated 180,000 soldiers were held at bay for several days by a significantly smaller Greek army led by Leonidas, one of the kings of Sparta. While they eventually lost due to betrayal from a Spartan traitor, the fighting force of 7000, lead by 300 of Sparta’s elite ranks, they managed to keep the Persians at bay until the rest of the Greek army could assemble, and eventually defeat the Persian forces. Over seven days of battle, the Spartans lost 4000 soldiers but inflicted a loss of 20,000 on the Persians. There are many reason why this story resonates with us even today. First and foremost is that King Leonidas knew that he was most likely marching to his death. He also knew that in doing so, it was the best chance to buy time for the rest of Greece to mount a defense against the Persians. Second, is that these soldiers had trained long and hard for most of their lives so that when the time came, they would be ready to face their enemies and fight ferociously. They didn’t wish for their lives to be easy, but challenged themselves to become the best of the best. Training amongst the Spartans was considered to be some of the most difficult, which is why the Spartans where extremely successful in their military campaigns. The willingness of these warriors to push themselves to become the best they could be are part of the reason that we have stoicism and democracy. If the Persians had conquered Greece at that time, its fledgling democratic and philosophical traditions may not have survived.

Good judgment comes from experience. Most experience comes from bad judgment.

— Anonymous

A man cannot understand the art he is studying if he only looks for the end result without taking the time to delve deeply into the reasoning of the study.

— Miyamoto Musashi

When we take on challenges and learn to love the hard parts, we also build the skills that we need to sustain what we’re doing. Think about it this way: What if your goal in life was to become the CEO of a successful tech company like Apple? What would happen if tomorrow you were suddenly given that role? Would you be able to sustain it? Would you have the skills to run a company of that size? Would you have the experience needed to make good judgments about how to run such a company? Unless you had put in the time, you wouldn’t be successful, nor would you be able to ensure the long term success of the company.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

– Marcus Aurelius

So what can we do to get better at embracing the hard parts of life? How can we change our mindset to love the burn?First and foremost is our perspective. If we look at the hard parts as something that is bad or to be avoided, then we’ll never look forward to them, which also makes it more likely that we won’t push through when things are boring, hard, or painful.Pain and PleasureOne of the most interesting things about the human mind is that many of the same sensations that we have are considered god or bad based upon our perspective. For example, nervousness and excitement have the same physiological symptoms, yet we consider nervousness to be bad and excitement to be good. In the kink communities, there are plenty of people that find great pleasure in being flogged. Many people enjoy roller coasters or horror movies in which they feel fear and excitement at the same time. Using these examples, are there hard things that you normally avoid that you could find the pleasure in? Rather than simply tolerating them, can you find ways to love them? If you’ve ever seen a hard core body builder at the gym, you will often see them push themselves to where they feel immense burning in their muscles and yet have the biggest grins on their faces as they push through that pain.Another way to look at things is to see if you can find pleasure in mastering the boring or basic things. For example, if you are learning how to program a computer, rather than just racing through the practice code, can you take time to see if you can make the code more efficient or elegant? If you’re working on becoming a writer, can you find a clearer or more interesting way to express an idea?

It may seem difficult at first but everything is difficult at first.

— Miyamoto Musashi.

Patience and ProcessAnother thing that trips us up is that we are often impatient. We want success and we want it now. Many of us will spend so much time trying to find shortcuts, that it would have been faster for us to have simply taken the necessary steps in the first place. We can help override this by finding ways to enjoy the journey, to love the process. We can get so focused on the end goal that we miss the scenery and experiences along the way.Recognize that it’s the journey that will turn you into the person that you will be when you get to the end goal. Recognize that you’re going to suck at whatever it is you want to get better at. Be okay with sucking at something, and enjoy watching yourself go from sucking at something to getting better at it. So what are you working towards right now in your life that is hard for you? Is there something in it that scares you? Are there things you’re trying to avoid that you know you need to do to get where you want to go? Can you change your perspective to find the pleasure and the excitement in it? The more you can embrace and love the sucky parts, the more you’ll look forward to the challenges, and the more you’ll learn to love the burn.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

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Do you feel like the world is in chaos right now? I know that many of us feel like that. Spend a day on social media and easy to find all kinds of things wrong with the world. Is it that the world is truly more chaotic? Are things really falling apart more so than in the past? Today I want to talk about some of the reasons why some many of us feel like the world is in chaos.

The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable.

—Seneca

It's easy in this modern world to feel anxious. There is always something that we can worry about. But where does this anxiety come from? At a base level, much of our anxiety comes from worrying about the future. We worry about personal issues such as relationships, finances, and work. We worry about global issues such as the cost of food, the price of energy, climate change, political upheaval, and the list goes on. These are all things that can cause us stress and worry, mostly because there is very little, and in some cases, nothing that we can do about them. I think that that the world, the universe, is doing what it has always done and we have a hard time because we expect things to be otherwise.

The news allows you to dedicate massive amounts of energy and attention to things you probably cannot impact while the things you can impact go unaddressed.

—@TheStoicEmperor

Another reason why it feels like the world is more chaotic now than in the past is that we’re simply exposed to more of the world. Because of the giant increase in the amount of available news, we don’t just hear about bad news in our local area or even just our country, we find out about bad news all over the world in ways that were not even possible 25 years ago. Now, this is not to say that we don’t have real problems happening in the world. While there has always been war, famine, natural disasters, now we face so many issues with climate change, and dwindling resources. It can feel hopeless because there is so little that we can impact. This is also not to say that we shouldn't look to and prepare for the future. To put our heads in the sand and ignore the perils of the world is not prudent or wise. I think that this hopelessness that people feel makes it easy to fall into outrage and self-righteousness when we watch or listen to the news. There's so much wrong in the world the moral superiority we feel feels so good! But when we stop and think about it, what does our moral outrage do? Does is prompt to make any changes? Do we take up a cause and do something about it? In most cases, we don't. We feel good because we're on the "right side" of an issue and forget about it as we move onto the next outrage or distraction.It is important we recognize that much of the news is simply there to manipulate our emotions and to be sensational, shocking, or salacious. And why is this? Why would people want this? Mostly it comes down to money and power. Anger and outrage are easy to sell. People who are angry are far easier to manipulate than people who are calm, thoughtful, and relaxed. When we understand this, we can be aware of our reactions and choose to spend our emotional energy effectively.

What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.

— Epictetus

What things have you anxious about the future? What can we do to lessen our distress and anxiety? How do we manage our minds so as not to get bogged down and feeling overwhelmed? I find that mostly ignoring the news is very helpful. And it’s not that I don’t want to be informed, it’s just that there is so much clammer and sensationalist garbage that has absolutely no impact on my life. I do my best to find news sources that work hard to bring factual reporting to the front, with open mindedness and supported the latest scientific developments. I try to find the signal of the truth amongst all the noise. It's not to say that watching the news is bad per se, because it's good to know what is happening in the world. Keeping perspective on what is happening - that the world is always changing - and not fearing it, because much of it is out of our control, allows us to be more accepting of what happens. But just because we accept what is happening doesn’t mean that we should resign ourselves to passivity. It means that we should be cognizant of what we can have an effect on, and do our best to make a positive impact on the world. We can also practice to do our best to prepare for whatever we can by paying attention to events and imagining the worst that can happen - not as an exercise to stress ourselves out, but so that we are not surprised if these things happen. And I’ve used this myself to help relieve anxiety, because once you’ve already experienced the worst case in your mind, in a sense, you’ve already experienced it. If the worst case does happen, you are much better prepared for it. Usually the worst case doesn’t happen, and in those cases you’re happily surprised with a better outcome. Another thing we can do is to look around us and see where we really can have an impact on the world. Are there things you can do locally for your community? Can you find ways to volunteer? What action can you take to help make the world a little better rather than just flaming your “opponents” on social media?When we take the time to focus on what we can control, and focus being in the moment, we can loosen the grip of those anxieties about the future. Keeping ourselves in the present helps us stop worrying about the uncertainty of the future, and focus on the things that we can control - those things in the present.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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How often do you take what other people say and do personally? How often do you feel like you have to “fix” someone else’s mood? Today I want to talk about emotional responsibility, and how it can lead a stronger sense of self and keep you from getting pulled into other peoples emotional mayhem.

Not to display anger or other emotions. To be free of passion and yet full of love.

—Marcus Aurelius

The other day I was talking with my therapist about how I feel like I’m dealing with conflict a little better in my life. I was talking about how I was getting better about not trying to control or change other people’s emotions, and how that was very liberating. In doing so I’m able to just let them be annoyed or frustrated or upset with me without having to do anything about it. And she used a great turn of phrase, she said, “QTIP. You quit taking things personally.” I laughed because I’d never heard that before, but it was a great shortcut to keep that idea in mind.

If we seek social status, we give other people power over us: we have to do things calculated to make them admire us, and we have to refrain from doing things that will trigger their disfavor.

—William B. Irvine

Why do we find it so hard to just let other people be annoyed? Why do we so often feel like we have to fix how they feel? For many of us, we confuse trying to fix other people emotions with being nice. We’re raised to find ways to keep the peace, and often that includes us finding ways of placating others or take on other peoples emotions. We may even take the blame for things that we had no control over just to try and keep others happy. One of the hardest things that I’ve had to learn in my life was how not to taking things personally. If someone is upset with me, I find it very challenging to just let them be upset with me. I usually try to either fix whatever is upsetting them, or I try to change how they are feeling by arguing with them about why they are wrong to be upset with me. And you know, that never really works. When you try to change how someone feels about something, they often get even more upset or resentful because you are invalidating how they feel. You are letting them know that their emotions are not acceptable. Think about how you feel when you tell someone about how something they did impacted you, and rather than listening and hearing what you have to say, they start trying to argue about why you shouldn’t feel the way you do. Talk about feeling dismissed and invalidated. When someone is upset with you, it is not your job to fix their emotions. You don’t need to change how other people feel. Let them be mad, frustrated, and upset with you. It’s their right to feel what they feel. It is not your place to try and change them. And the thing is, that’s not something you need to take on. It’s not your job to manage their emotions. It’s theirs. Now many of us this can be challenging. When people are responding to you, often it really has nothing to do with you but more to do with their trauma and baggage. I know that when I’m upset about something, I’ve often reacted in way that later, upon reflection, wasn’t really even related to what the other person did. I reacted to what they said or did in a way that had more to do with my past than what happened in the present.Our brains are constantly using past data to try and predict future outcomes. If you have lots of bad data from growing up in a dysfunctional family or suffered some kind of trauma or abuse, sometimes your responses aren’t going to be appropriate to the current situation. For example, because my dad was so unpredictable, when he was annoyed about something it could quickly escalate into something very volatile. So when someone close to me is annoyed, my brain screams “danger!”, and will often overreact. It’s gotten much better, but it has taken tremendous effort to reprogram those responses. As a recovering “people pleaser”, I often feel like it’s my job to try and fix other people’s moods. A big reason for this is because growing up, I had to be conscientious of my dad’s emotions because if I didn’t, I could end up being beaten. I had to be on guard all the time and find ways to soothe him or make him happy to keep myself safe. So does this mean that you should just be calloused and not care about how other feel? I mean it’s their emotions to deal with, right? I think there is a fine balance between not taking on other emotions and being an ass. Humans are always trying to subtly and not so subtly manipulate and persuade each other. Most times it’s harmless and often beneficial. But there are those that try to emotionally manipulate others to try and take advantage of them. Blaming others for their moods or for the problems in their lives, throwing tantrums, and guilt tripping are all things that I’ve seen people do to each other, and I’ve done my fare share of it as well.

It is our own opinions that disturb us. Take away these opinions then, and resolve to dismiss your judgment about an act as if it were something grievous, and your anger is gone.

—Marcus Aurelius

So how can we get better about not taking on others emotions and not taking things personally? By taking responsibility for your own emotional management, and encouraging others to do so as well. When you are responsible for your emotions, you have a good handle on where those lines are. You don’t take responsibility for emotions and actions that are not yours. When you take the blame for things that you have no control over, it does little to really solve an issue. This also robs others of the chance to take responsibility for themselves. Each of us need to be clear about what is ours to manage, and was is not.The other thing is that you can’t fix someone else’s emotions anyway. The stoics teach us pretty clearly that out thinking is what distresses us. If the other person is upset abr something, it’s their perspective on things that is causing their distress, and it’s something they need to figure out. What we can do on our side is support them and do our best to reign in our emotions to help defuse situations whenever possible. We’ve all been on both sides of arguments where we blame others for how we feel, and have had other blame us for how they’re feeling. Neither of these perspectives do a very good job of helping us manage ourselves and support others. When we practice being a little more dispassionate and to quit taking things personally, the more we’ll be able to be in control of ourselves, and support others in managing their own emotions, which helps create more emotionally balanced relationships, and helps each of us be a little more kind and patient with each other.---
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The stoics teach us that we have control over a few things - our thoughts, our choices, and our actions. In short, our will. So is there a way that we can get better with our thinking, and improve our outcomes? Today I want to talk about a model that can help us be more aware of how our thinking impacts us, and with that awareness, improve our lives.

You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

—Marcus Aurelius

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Marcus Aurelius

One of the most important things that the stoics teach us is that our thinking, one of the only things that we have control over, is one of the most important things in determining whether we are successful in accomplishing the things we want to in life, and ultimately what determines our happiness. Because we can only experience life through our own subjective experience, we are the ones that ultimately determine how we judge what happens to us, and what meaning we give to those things. A simple example of this is how the same thing can happen to different people, with wildly different outcomes simply because of the perspective a person has on something. For example, in study after study, people who suffered traumatic injuries such as losing limb or severe burns report that the initial impact of the injury can certainly cause depressions, anxiety, and other issues. But over time, most people end up reporting that their level of happiness returns to basically where it was before the accident. If they were happy before, they generally are happy afterwards. If they were depressed, they generally fall back into their same way of being.There have also been studies on how people who have a sudden windfall of wealth through inheritance, the lottery, or some other channel, report that even with all this sudden good luck, after a few weeks or months the shine wears off and they are as happy or unhappy as they were before coming into wealth. Often when we get exactly what we want - a raise, a new car, or something else that we thought would bring us happiness, we find that it is only temporary. So why is it that even when we change our circumstances to something that we are sure will make us happy, we often end up right back where we were? Because no matter what the circumstances are, we are still the same people. We still have the same way of thinking, and how we think, and the meaning that we give to things have a far greater impact on us than the circumstances themselves.

It is not things that upset us, but our opinion of them.

— Epictetus

So how do we get better at improving our thinking? As with most things, it comes down to awareness. If you want to know why you’re getting the results you’re getting, you need to know what you are thinking. I’ve mentioned one of my favorite life coaches, Brooke Castillo several times on this podcast, and one of the best things that she teaches is what she calls “The Model”. The Model, is basically a simple yet powerful outline of how our minds work. It’s not anything new, and these ideas have been around for millennia, but it’s a nice encapsulation of what the stoics teach, so I’m going to share it with you here. The first part of the Model are Circumstances. These are what the stoics would label as externals. This includes circumstances and events that happen. It’s simple what life brings your way. When you think of circumstances, they are things that are purely factual. They are things that you could prove in a court of law. Things like, “it is raining”, or “that car is red”, or “I am 50 years old”. The next part are Thoughts. When you encounter circumstances and events, you have certain thoughts around them. This included both conscious and unconscious thoughts. This is the story that you are telling yourself about these events and circumstances, and what you think they mean. These are not facts, but rather your judgments, opinions, and impressions.The next part is Emotions. Emotions are caused by your thinking. When you tell yourself a story about the things that are happening, you create emotions. You feel something. That could be anxiety. It could be joy. It could be fear. Whatever you are feeling, it is caused by your thinking. The next part is Actions. Our actions are driven by our emotions. Emotion comes from the Latin “emovere”, which means to “move out, remove, agitate”. It’s from the same root as motive, motor, move, and momentum. Emotions are the things that get us to make choices, and take action.The last part of the Model is Results. When we make choices and take action, we get results of some kind. So how can we use this model in our lives? If you want to understand how you are dealing with something in your life, you can use the model to help clarify why you are getting the results you have in your life. By filling in the information in each of these sections, you can get a rough but clearer picture of what’s going on.If you’re in a place where you can sit down, I want you to pull out a blank sheet of paper. I want you to write down these 5 section, and give yourself some space to write next to them:CircumstancesThoughtsEmotionsActionsResultsSo let’s take an example and fill out each of these lines. The nice thing is that you can start with any section.Let’s say that you get into an argument with your significant other at least once a week about the dishes. You get frustrated with them for just leaving the dishes in the sink rather than putting them in the dishwasher as you would prefer. Let’s fill in the lines and see how we can be more aware of our thinking. Remember, these can be done in any order. It’s kind of like putting a puzzle together, though for this for this exercise I’ll go in order just to illustrate the ideas.In the Circumstances line we put, “My partner leaves dishes in the sink”, and “I have asked them to put them in the dishwasher.” That’s it. Those are the only facts in this story. Let’s fill in the thinking line. “When my partner doesn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, I feel like they are disrespecting me and they are doing it just to upset me.”Next let’s fill in the Emotion line. You would write down something like, “I feel frustrated” or “I feel angry”. Remember these are emotions. You can’t put something like, “I feel ignored” because being ignored is an action attributed to the other person, and also, ignored is not an emotion.In the Action line we would write, “I complain to my partner about dirty dishes being left in the sink.”Lastly, in the Result line we might put something like, “My partner feels like they are being attacked and storms off”.Once you have this filled out, you have a little bit more clarity into the situation. You can examine the thoughts you have around the situation. In this example, the thoughts are projecting a motive onto your partner. They may or may not be doing it to purposely upset you, but because of those thoughts, you feel angry, which drives you to complain to your partner, and start up the conflict again. When you are able to change your thinking around the situation, it can change your emotions and actions, which lead to different results.

Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions – not outside.

Marcus Aurelius

In short, if your dealing with an issue and want to have some clarity around it, using this simple model is a great way to examine the situation a little more rationally. It’s a framework to start from to help you see where you may have some thinking errors. It can also be used in a positive light. If you are trying to get a certain kind of result, try filling this out and seeing what kind of thinking and actions might help you achieve the results you want. Let’s say that you want to meditate for 30 minutes a day, but you find it challenging to do. Put “I want to mediate for 30 minutes a day” in the Results line. In the Actions line, you might put, “I schedule a break at 10 am on my calendar”. In the Emotions line, you might have something like, “I am excited about my 30 minutes”. In the Circumstances you might have, “I have a space in my house with pillows near a window.” And in the Thoughts line? “I know that after each session I feel more relaxed and feel more clear in my thinking.”The mind is a pretty complex thing, but helping to gain some clarity in our own thinking can really make a world of difference. Using a model like this is a way to help improve our awareness of our thoughts and how that thinking leads to the results we get. And while this model is not all encompassing, it’s a great starting point to gaining insight to the stories we tell ourselves, which drive the actions we take, and the results we get.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Is it ever okay to hate someone as a stoic? Is there ever a time to have “righteous anger”? Today I want to talk about anger, hate and violence in our ever more divisive world.

Ignorance leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to violence. This is the equation.

— Ibn Rushd

Today the world feels like it in chaos. Everything from political violence, war, and ethnic clashes to threats of violence and down right viciousness on social media. Alongside that, the sensationalist news media leading with crime and vilification of those with the “wrong” political opinions. We have politicians excusing and even encouraging violence against one group or another based on their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, or social status. With all of this going on, it can at times feel like there is justification to be angry at some group or another. There is always someone else to blame as to why things aren’t going the way that you think they should. It’s easy to fall into this trap of declaring that if everyone else just thought and acted the way that you wanted, then everything in the world would be much better. Anger is such an important topic in the stoic philosophy that it’s in the first sentence of Marcus Aurelius’ Mediations. He says, “Of my grandfather Versus I have learned to be gentle and meek, and to refrain from all anger and passion.”So why do the stoics believe that anger and hatred are so paramount that they warn against them so strongly over and over? Because what they call the “temporary madness” of anger can cause us to do things that we would never do when we are calm and relaxed. We limit our capacity to make better decisions, we will underestimate risk, and at times even cause harm to ourselves just to cause injury to the target of our anger. But most importantly, the stoics teach us that the harm that anger can cause doesn’t just cause damage to those on the receiving end, it also damages our character. It causes us to be ugly on the inside. We alienate those around us. We push people away from us, cause harm to others, and spend time in a dark and hateful place of our own creation. We make really bad decisions that have lasting consequences, often by split second decisions. As Donald Robertson puts it, “Anger allows us to do stupid things faster and with more energy.” I have, at times when I’ve lost my temper, said some pretty mean and vicious things to people that I genuinely care about, only because I let that temporary madness take over. I felt hurt about something and want them to hurt as much or more than me. As soon as I calm down I truly regret those things that I said, but sadly, they’re out there and the damage has been done. Looking back on my marriage, I know that my anger was certainly a contributing factor to my ex wife asking for a divorce.

The more unjust the hatred, the more stubborn it is.

— Seneca

Have you ever met someone that is angry a lot? How pleasant are they to spend time around? Do you look forward to your time with them or do you make excuses to limit your time with them? I know that I do my best to limit my time around others like this. There were even times when I have been on dates that I fond very attractive, but because of bitterness or anger I was not interested in pursuing any thing further. I would even go so far as to say that hate and anger make a person very ugly inside and out. One of the saddest things I can think of in my own life are the bittersweet memories of my father and his violent temper. It’s really sad because there were plenty of great things about him. He was funny, kind, smart, and generous, but so many of my memories of him are overshadowed by his anger and the mental toll that it took on me. I’ve spent the last few years working through the trauma caused by his anger, and stoicism has been a big help for me as I’ve worked through these issues.

Whoever does wrong, wrongs himself; Whoever does injustice, does it to himself making himself evil.

— Marcus Aurelius

A few years ago I was in a stoic group on Facebook and was very shocked to see a discussion going on where a few members of the group were using stoicism to try and justify racism. They were posting things like pictures of people living huts in Africa as proof that these people were inferior to them. While I tried patiently to discuss this with them and talk about how stoicism is not compatible with racism, I found it was worthless and gave up on the conversation. Fortunately they were shortly banned from the group. So can one be a stoic and be racist or misogynistic or bigoted? No. I don’t think you can for several reasons. First, one of the most important things that stoicism teaches us is that there are things we can and cannot control and it’s incumbent on us to determine the difference, and to work on the things we can control and let go of the rest. It’s therefor illogical to hate someone for the color of their skin or their sex or gender or any other factor that they cannot control. Secondly, anger and hatred are called out as some the most important “passions” or negative emotions that we should avoid.Epictetus also makes it very clear that we are to do good and help all humans, not just those that we like or who are on “our side”:

One cannot pursue one’s own highest good without at the same time necessarily promoting the good of others. A life based on narrow self-interest cannot be esteemed by any honorable measurement. Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings. Our human contract is not with the few people with whom our affairs are most immediately intertwined, nor to the prominent, rich, or well educated, but to all our human brethren.

— Epictetus

You cannot continue to hate someone without repeatedly wasting, on them, some of your precious time and mental energy.

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So is there ever a time when anger is justified? Again, I would have to say no. Hate and anger diminish your ability to be rational, and the stoics teach us to use our rational minds over emotions. And the idea that there is justifiable or righteous anger has led to so many atrocities throughout history. Anger is not an easy thing to control. I know that I might think I’m justified in how I feel about something, but even that justified anger can quickly spiral out of control and I end up saying or doing things I regret. Mobs that start off feeling justified can spiral out of control and end up doing horrendous things to satiate that righteous anger. Throughout history we see that every tyrant, fascist, and dictator has believed in the righteousness of their cause which has caused immense suffering for so many people. Others in feeling that they have the right to be angry about something, have taken out their anger and rage on others in ways that completely destroy their own life and the lives others. So what can we do to better manage our anger? How can we work on getting rid of hate? The stoics give us many ways to work on anger, but I think the most important is from Epictetus:

It is not things that upset us, but our opinion of them.

— Epictetus

It really comes down to our thinking. If we spend our time thinking about how awful the world is, or that we deserve something, or how much we hate another person or group of people, we are the ones creating these feelings inside of us with our own thoughts. It is our choice to focus on hate and anger, or to direct our thinking and opinions in ways that help improve our lives. When you spend your energy on hating others, you create a prison of unhappiness in your own mind. When you put hate and anger out into the world, you don’t just cause damage to the target of your anger, but to your own character, and you bring that anger into the world.

If you hate a person, then you’re defeated by them.

— Confucius

I know that some people feel like they have to prove their strength with anger or violence. But as a simple though experiment, if you see two people arguing and one of them is getting more and more worked up and yelling, while the other is remaining calm, who do think has more control of themselves? Who do you think has the stronger will? Anger is a sign of weakness. Giving into anger and hate is easy. Self control and mental discipline is hard. As I mentioned earlier, the stoics teach us to identify what we can control, and that the only things we really control are our thoughts, our will, and our choices. You have control over your thoughts. You can change them at any time. When you choose to focus on anger and hate, you are blaming someone or something else for how you feel. You are not taking responsibility for your own thinking and emotions, which is one of the only things you actually do have control over. As a simple practice, any time you are feeling riled up about something, try to take time out before making any decisions. Before you say those awful things, send that angry text, or post that vicious comment to social media, take a break. Go outside for a walk. Read a book. Play some music and dance. Whatever it is that you do to distract yourself and get your mind to calm down. Once you’ve given yourself some time to cool off, take some time to examine your thoughts that are causing these angry feelings. Then decide if there is a better way to handle the situation. Take the anger out of your text or post. Can you change it to be something purely factual? Is it something that even needs to be communicated at all?The last and most important thing you can do is to be careful about what you watch, read, and listen to. There is so much hate fueled media out there and the more attention you give it, the more susceptible you are to falling into hate and violence. Extreme political media, conspiracy theories, and anyone that puts out violence and hate are things that bring no value to your life. Anyone that promotes the idea that you should hate one group or another is someone you really should avoid. There’s a lot of anger in the world right now and it’s easy to get swept up in it. Part of being a stoic is learning how to master your emotions and learn to be dispassionate about things so you can view them rationally, and act in ways to promote the greater good. There is no reason to spend your time and energy on hate. There are so many problems in the world that we need to work on together to help make the world a better place. Don’t be a part of the problem by adding to the hate and violence out into the world.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

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An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself.

— Epictetus

How you ever thought about how often we have judgments in our language? Are you even aware of how often we communicate our our opinions and feelings about others? What if we could remove judgments from our language? Today I want to talk about ways that we can make our language more clear, and increase our ability to communicate non-judgmentally with others.A few months ago I picked up a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg. The idea behind nonviolent communication or alternatively what the author calls conscious communication is that there are many aspects of the way that we speak, and the way that we hear things that cloud communication with others. There are many aspects of nonviolent communication, but the part that I want to focus on in the podcast is one idea in particular. That idea is if we could strip out the judgments from our communication, then we could communicate more clearly with each other. Doing so would allow us to deal with issues for what they are rather than all the judgments about the issues, which often become a distraction or even a roadblock in communicating with others. The process of communicating this way is not an easy thing because unconsciously we make all kinds of judgments in our language. Most of those judgments are what the author calls moralistic judgments, which are judgements about the rightness or wrongness of other according to our values. Each of us make value judgements about what principles we hold and how we think the world could best be served. When we make moralistic judgments we are comparing others to our ideal of what we think they should be or how they should act. For example, if someone cuts us off in traffic they are an idiot. If we think someone isn’t working hard enough, they’re lazy. If we don’t like the way someone dresses, they’re dressed inappropriately. All day long we are passing judgments on others, and ourselves, and we’re usually not all that aware that we’re doing it, and if we’re honest with ourselves, the stronger we feel about something, the more intense our judgment is about the idea.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

—Rumi

When we focus too much on classifying how good or bad or to what level others or ourselves are in relation to what we think they should be, we’re not paying attention to what other person, or ourselves might need. For example, if our significant other is wanting more affection from us than what we we’re giving, we might judge them as being too needy or clingy. We might argue with them to stop being so clingy or make it mean that we’re not good enough for them, rather than noticing they have some need that isn’t being fulfilled.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

—Carl Jung

So how can we get better about communicating is ways that carry less judgment? As with most things, it takes awareness. Until we are aware that we’re doing this every day, it makes it challenging to change our behavior. The better we get at noticing when we’re passing judgement, the more progress we can make. What it really comes down to is how well we can observe something or someone without evaluating. A way to practice this is to take whatever it is we’re saying and distill it to just the facts. If we only say the things in it that are verifiable or provable then we are already making a big step towards conscious communication. In the book there is a great example where the author is working with a group of teachers who are frustrated with the principle because they feel he talks too much and overruns conversations. He asks the teachers what the issue is, and their answers include statements like, “He has a big mouth”, “He talks too much”, and “He thinks only he has anything worth saying”. All of these statements are judgements or inferences about the principle and not evaluations. It took some work to help these teachers come up with a list of specific behaviors and the outcomes of those behaviors, such as because of his extra story telling, meetings almost always ran over their time limit. Learning to separate our judgements from observations is not an easy thing to do, but pays huge dividends in communicating with others.A simple exercise that can help us be more aware of the judgments we make is to practice separating observations from judgments. For example, if we meet someone, rather than thinking about how attractive or unattractive they are or how humorous or boring they are, we can practice just noticing factual things about them first. We can notice the color of their eyes, how tall they are, or the length of their hair. After that, we can pay attention to the opinions that we form about them, such as, “They have a pleasant speaking voice”, “They’re too tall or short”, or “They have great taste in clothes”. Another key part of conscious communication is that we own our judgments, opinions, and feelings about a situation. If we think someone is lazy, rather than declaring that they are lazy, we can simply say, “In my opinion I think that someone that works less than 60 hours a week is lazy.” It is still a judgment, but we are owning that we are making a judgment. If we have a friend that dominates conversations, we might say, “I feel frustrated when talking with you when you interrupt me and don’t let me finish my thoughts.” Let’s a talk a little more about value judgments. Value judgments in and of themselves are not bad. We each have principles and ideals that are important to us. We may value honesty or kindness or compassion or a host of other ideals that help us decide how we want to show up in the world. When expressing these ideals we also need to be careful not to attach judgments to them. When we express our values, we can do so in a way that expresses our feelings about it, without passing judgments on others.For example, if we think that honesty is a very important principle, we might say, “I value honesty and people who are dishonest are awful and should be fed to a pack of coyotes.”, which obviously has a strong judgment attached to it. Instead we could say, “I value honesty, and I understand how it can be hard to do, so appreciate it when others are honest with me.”The last bit of advice I can offer on this topic is to try and be more compassionate with your communication. Before you say something to someone, think about how it might be received. Think about how you might receive it. Is it something that would upset you if your friend or partner said it to you? Is there a way that you can remove any judgements and just state the facts? Are you saying this because you are trying to get the other person to change? The closer you can get to just stating the facts, taking out judgments, and not placing blame or having expectations, the easier it will be to work on the root of the issue, and avoid getting into an argument about how you think they are right or wrong. One of the most important skills that we can develop in our lives is communicating with other people, and nonviolent communication is a process that can help communicate more clearly. The more conscious we become about how we’re communicating, the better we can connect with others. By learning how to separate our judgements and opinions from our observations we more likely to have our concerns received better, as well as keep the conversation focused on the real issue, and not our opinions about the issue.---
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. :)

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Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.”

—Marcus Aurelius

How often have you been offended by someone? Maybe it was something someone said to you? Maybe they made a comment about your clothes or mocked something that you really liked such as your favorite football team or musician. Maybe it’s one of your siblings who always tries to put you down or get under your skin. Maybe someone on the internet posted a mean comment to a picture you put on social media. As much as the internet has been one of the greatest tools for learning, commerce, connection, and so many innovations, it still amazes me how awful people can be to each other just because someone holds a different opinion. I have seen people treat others in some pretty horrendous ways just because they had a sign or a t-shirt that was from an opposing political party. It’s as if they forget that there is another human being on the other side of that comment.

What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.

― Epictetus

In all cases, when we are offended by something because of the thoughts we have about it and what we make it mean. When we really think about it, when someone says something, it is just them making sounds or writing down symbols on a page. If we didn’t speak the same language and had no idea what they said or wrote, would we still be offended? No, because it is not the words that are offensive, but our thoughts about what was said.When we take offense at what someone else says, we are blaming them for how we feel, rather than owning the fact that it’s our own thoughts that are creating our emotions. We are letting them control us. The words that others say or write are not things that can physically harm you, but often we see people get so upset by what others say that they will resort to violence. The story that they have told themselves is such that they believe it is worth trying to harm someone else because of those words.Sometimes people are rude because they are unhappy. They will try to put others down as a way to try and bring themselves up. Others might try to offend us because they are deliberately trying to upset us. It’s a way of trying to controlling other people. When we’re upset, we’re easier to manipulate. We make rash decisions, and become more reactive and less rational in our responses. The more we allow others to provoke us, the more they have control over us. If we can keep this in mind it makes is much easier for us to be less reactive. We know what others are trying to do and in a way can beat them at their own game.

If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself, if it’s a lie, laugh at it.

—Epictetus

Another thing that can help is to actually listen to what the other person said, and ask yourself, "Is it true?" If it is, why be offended by it if it's true? It simply shows you where you might need some work. If it is not true, then why be offended by it? It is simply someone else's opinion.Often we get upset about what someone has said because they may hit on some insecurity. We think, "If they see this flaw in us, then maybe there is something to it." We may not want to face up to this part of us. Maybe we’re ashamed about that part of us. Whether deliberately or not, when we feel hurt by things that others say about us is usually because deep down we're afraid they might be right.Another way to think of it is from one of my favorite scenes in Game of Thrones where Tyrion Lannister is talking to Jon Snow:

Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.

— Tyrion Lannister

Never be upset at the truth about yourself. You don't have to like it, but you can accept it. Once you have accepted it, then you have the opportunity to change it.If we are comfortable in our own skin it is really hard for others to offend us. If someone tells George Clooney that they think he's ugly or stupid or that he can't act, do you think that changes what he thinks of himself? I can't say for certain, but I would say with a high degree of accuracy that it probably doesn't. He seems secure in his opinion of himself, so anything someone else has to say has no impact. Even if criticism of his acting comes from someone who is an expert acting coach pointing out where he could improve, it doesn't impact what he thinks of himself.

Not reacting to deliberate provocation is a superpower. If you have the awareness and self-control to not react predictably, there is nothing that can put you off your path. Remember: the only enemy you need to fear is your own self – your lack of awareness and loss of control.

—The Ancient Sage

What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished? If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his invective?

—Epictetus

So how can we handle feeling insulted by other people? I think the most important thing to remember is that you offended because of what you make something mean. It’s the thoughts in your head that cause you to feel offended and not what the other person said. Someone can only offend you if you let them. When we take responsibility for our emotions, then we remain on control of ourselves. Another way is to learn how to be dispassionate about someone else’s opinion about something. And what I mean by that is just simply recognizing that it is just their opinion. It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything about it. You don’t have to change their mind, nor do you have to change yours. It is simply that they have a different thought about something than you do. That is all. Not everyone in the world needs to think the same way as you. It’s also been shown that you’re more likely to change someones opinion if you treat them with kindness rather than trying to convince them the error of their ways. Being offended and getting upset at others seems to be a part of daily life, especially if you spend much time online, which if you’re listening to this podcast, there’s a good chance that you do. If you find yourself getting angry or upset with others that have a differing opinion that you, just remember, it’s your thoughts that are causing these emotions. By simply choosing not to be offended you have robbed the other person of their victory, and brought a little more equanimity back into your life.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it too.

— Marcus Aurelius

How often do you find yourself starting something only to notice a few weeks or months later that you let it fall by the wayside? Today I want to talk about why we have trouble keeping commitments to ourselves, and some ideas about how we can get better about keeping those commitments.If you’re like me, you are always interested in improving yourself. Maybe that’s cutting down on your drinking or losing weight. Maybe it learning a new skill or starting a new business. There are all kinds of goals and things you want to do to enrich your life. We approach these things with gusto and excitement as we look forward to how much better our lives will be as we implement these changes in our lives.Fast forward a few weeks or months later and many if not all of those resolutions are just a distant memory. Our good intentions have given way to our default way of life, and we return to the way things were. We may not have even really noticed when it happened. We may have been on track for weeks, only to find a short time later we have dropped our plans as if our resolutions never even existed.Part of the reason why I wanted to make this episode is because this happened to me recently, and I’m trying to get back on track. I was doing great with meditating every day for at least 30 minutes, but about a month ago I severely sprained my ankle and was in a lot of pain for a while. I was also having trouble sleeping, and found my motivation to keep up with things beyond the basics was pretty low. I subtly used my injury as an excuse to quit my daily practice.So why does this happen? Why is does it seem so hard to follow through on these commitments we make to ourselves? What is it in our makeup as humans that we get pulled back to the status quo even though we really do want to make lasting changes in our lives?For much of evolution, humans struggled to have enough to eat. Because food was often hard to come by, survival depended on smart management of energy. Expending energy when you didn’t have to could mean the difference between life and death. Luckily, for must of us, food insecurity is no longer an issue. While we may not be able to afford prime rib every night for dinner, most of us are able to buy healthy food to feed ourselves. But these habits that served humanity over thousands of years are still engrained into us. This is why for most of us our bodies are more interested in sitting down for a show on Netflix than going for a run.When we try to change something about ourselves, our minds often struggle to adapt to the new changes that we are trying to make in our lives. Our brains work really hard to keep us safe. We’re still alive in our current situation, so our brain will naturally gravitate to what it knows. Losing weight, taking up a new workout, learning a new skill all require effort and work. We may also fail when we try to do these things, so we’ll stick with what we know because it’s safe.Another challenging aspect in our quest for self improvement is our desire for instant gratification. We get a dopamine hit when we do something that is pleasurable now, and have a harder time imagining the payoff we’ll get in the future. Some examples of short term pleasures that hit that dopamine switch include alcohol, entertainment, drugs, social media, and plenty of foods that are tasty but are not good for us. There is nothing wrong with some of these short term pleasures in moderation, though one problem with chasing these short term pleasures is that that the effect is also short term. If we constantly chase after these short term pleasures, we also find that each subsequent time usually is less pleasurable than the one preceding. I learned this as a young child when I had my very first piece of cheesecake. I loved it so much that I happily took a second one, only to find that rather than enjoying as much as the first, it had the opposite effect and I started to feel sick to my stomach. These short term pleasures often have long term consequences. For example, if we eat too much unhealthy food, we put on extra weight. If we spend too much time playing video games we don’t spend time on relationships or hobbies or other things that enrich our lives. When we don’t keep these commitments to ourselves, there are a few things that happen. We develop a habit of breaking our word to ourselves. Often we’re much better about keep our commitments to others than we are to ourselves. If we were to behave this way towards our friends, we would erode their trust in us. The more we do this to ourselves, the more we erode our trust in ourselves.We also create inertia that moves us in the wrong direction. We might think to ourselves, “I can’t keep my commitment to eating healthy, so why bother cutting down on alcohol?” This kind of self-sabotage is often the main reason we don’t accomplish the things we really want to. We will often use this setbacks as proof that we just can’t do it.

Doctors won’t make you healthy. Nutritionists won’t make you slim. Teachers won’t make you smart. Gurus won’t make you calm. Mentors won’t make you rich. Trainers won’t make you fit. Ultimately, you have to take responsibility. Save yourself.

—Naval Ravikant

How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?

—Epictetus

So what can we do to help us get better about making the changes we want in our lives and avoid self-sabotage?It comes down to self discipline. It’s about being able to get yourself to do the things you want to do for you.Self discipline is the ability to make and keep commitments to yourself. Self discipline is taking responsibility for your actions and choices, and not blaming them on things outside of yourself. Now I know that self-discipline kind of gets a bad wrap because we think it’s too hard. And yeah, if we’re not in the habit of keeping commitments to ourselves, it is hard. Often though, it comes down to changing our perspective on things and what we make it mean. For example, committing to eating healthy food is much easier to do if we look at it with the perspective that we are nourishing our bodies so we feel and think better. It’s much more challenging if we look at it as if we’re being deprived of all this other food that we can’t eat. Having a clear idea of why you’re working on changing something will go a long way towards helping you stay on track.One of the stoic tools that we have is negative visualization, or premeditato malorum. We make a list of all the things that can go wrong, and how we’ll solve each of them. For example, if your are trying to lose weight and you are following a specific diet, you list all the things that could derail you from eating healthy. Maybe going out to dinner with friends is challenging because you always get dessert, so you decide to find a few restaurants that have healthier options that fit with your diet. Maybe you hate shopping for food, so you have your partner do the shopping or you pay a delivery service to do it for you. Anything that might be an issue, you find a solution to work around it. Since many of our goals are things that just fall by the wayside, another way that we can help ourselves it by giving ourselves a way out. Yes, that’s right, you decide under what conditions you’ll allow yourself to quit, and commit to yourself that you can only quit if you make a conscious decision to do so. You are not allowed to just let it fall by the wayside. For example if you are trying to lose weight you decide that you will quit the diet you’re on if you follow it successfully for 6 months and you don’t lose any weight. And if you reach that point where you make that conscious choice to quit, you also commit to finding another way to lose the weight you want. Learning to keep commitments to ourselves is for me, the ultimate expression of self care. It’s about you deciding that you are important enough to keep those commitments to over all else. And the better you are about keeping your word to yourself, the better you are about actually reaching the goals that you set out, and ultimately have the life you want.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
— Marcus Aurelius

Today I want to talk about one of the most interesting things about humans, the fact that we cling so dearly to our belief systems in face of contradiction evidence, often to our own detriment.Why do humans resist changing their minds, even in the face of overwhelming evidence? How often have you changed your opinions when presented with new facts? How often have you actually changed your behavior when you learned new information? How often to you rationalize your opinion or simply deny facts because they don’t fit your belief system? The human mind is a very malleable and flexible thing. It is because of this flexibility that we are able to survive in all kinds of environments and circumstances. Over time and through experience, we develop a belief system of how the world works. Much of this comes from the circumstances we grow up in. The culture around us, the family we are born into, even the physical surroundings can inform and influence our belief system.A big reason why we have this ability is that the brain is a pretty good prediction machine, but it needs to have principles and ideas to work from. It’s job is taking past experiences and merging it with current information to try and predict what will happen next. It is precisely this ability that helps us to survive. As a child, it is easy to be more flexible with our thinking, simply because we are inexperienced and don’t have a lot of knowledge. Everything is new to us at some point, so we’re naturally curious because just don’t know. Our brains are looking for more information and experiences in order to make better predictions. We try things and see how they work or don’t work, and adjust our expectations accordingly. With each new bit of information we’re able to make better predictions to help us survive, and ultimately thrive.But while the human mind is flexible and adaptable, as we age, it takes effort to keep this flexibility of thinking. As we gain more and more knowledge and experience we are usually able to make better predictions of how we think things work. These in turn inform our opinions and judgments and hopefully help us navigate the world in a safe way so that we might live long and prosper. Where we run into trouble is when we decide that we have enough knowledge and information and turn those opinions and judgements into beliefs.Often though, we are simply given beliefs by those we trust. This includes family, friends, teachers, leaders - anyone that we consider an authority. Many beliefs we pick up are not well tested or thought out. They are just ideas that have been around for a while. Many ideas are tenacious not because they are right, but because they reach a critical mass within a culture or community. Superstitions, religious beliefs, conspiracy theories are prime examples. Pretty much anything that is taken as truth without little to no evidence, site dubious sources, or are not open to exploration with new information can be categorized as beliefs.

“A mark of an open mind is being more committed to your curiosity that to your convictions. The goal of learning is not to shield old views against new facts. It’s to revise old views to incorporate new facts. Ideas are possibilities to explore, not certainties to defend.”

— Adam Grant

When something becomes a belief, whether from external influences or ones that we have created ourselves from our own experience, it turns into something that we no longer question, but defend from anything that might threaten that belief. So why do we find it so hard to change our beliefs? What’s in us that we will deny and fight for our belief, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that we are wrong? What is the benefit of acting this way? When we have a deeply engrained belief, and we come upon new information that shows that we could be wrong, we start to feel cognitive dissonance. Basically, when the mind has two or more contradictory beliefs, we start to feel tension as we grapple with the fact that something we thought was true, might not be true. When we feel this disharmony, we have a number of options that we can take. We can take in the new information, adjust this belief that we have which will in turn change our behavior. We can can rationalize and make excuses for why it doesn’t really apply in this case so that we can hold onto our belief. Or, as what happens in many cases, we ignore or deny the information and go on holding the same belief. Since our minds want to resolve this tension, it often takes the last option of just ignoring or denying the evidence in front of us is the easiest option. It’s the one that takes the least amount of work, and allows us to simply go on living like we had before. Change takes work and our minds are lazy and want to hold onto the status quo. Most of us like to think that we’re good about receiving new information and adjusting our opinions and behaviors accordingly. But this is something that we all do, often without even really thinking about it. To illustrate this, I’d like to take an example from daily life. How often have you rationalized eating something that you know is bad for you, but you don’t want to give up? Maybe it’s your favorite ice cream or cookies whatever it is, you can find all kinds of ways to rationalize why you don’t have to give it up. You’ll point out that it has some healthy ingredients or that it’s convince yourself that it’s not that bad. Whereas if you were honest with yourself and truly wanted to eat healthier, you would simply remove it from your diet. In my own life, it took me decades to let go of my religious beliefs, even though they never felt right to me. I had been told for so long from so many people I loved and trusted, that anytime something would come up that contradicted what I had been taught, I would find some way to rationalize it, or ignore it because I was scared to give up this belief. But once I finally had enough evidence that the church was a fabrication from it’s founder, I could no longer in good conscience stay in the church and so I left.

If anyone can refute me‚ show me I’m making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective‚ I’ll gladly change. It’s the truth I’m after.

— Marcus Aurelius

So how can be better about integrating new information into our way of viewing the world so that we have more informed opinions? I think the Buddha was on to something when he said that the cause of suffering is attachment, and in this case we get attached to our ideas and beliefs to the point where we feel threatened when something comes along that might disprove them. Our ego identifies with these beliefs, and if we’re wrong we often feel like that means there is something wrong with us. When we can learn to be less attached to these beliefs and develop a mindset of curiosity, then we can take in information without feeling threatened. We can actually seek out information to see if we can prove that our idea is wrong so that we can get closer to the truth much quicker.This kind of approach is not easy though. It means that we have to become more mindful of our thinking. We need to pay attention to when we’re feeling defensive about something because that is often a signal that we are feeling threatened by something. We also need to notice when we feel fear in our bodies. If we’re not in physical danger but we’re afraid because of what someone is saying, we should probably look closer at why we’re afraid. While I like to think that I’m good a this, it has taken a lot of effort to not be as reactive and not feel like I have to defend my ideas. I still fail from time to time, and end up feeling defensive and end up in arguments, but I’ve certainly made progress on that front. I’m better about recognizing when I start to feel defensive about things. I pay attention to my body and any physical sensations. I try to ask questions, to help move me into a space of curiosity and learning, and out of that space of having to prove that I’m right. Developing a mindset of curiosity takes mindfulness, patience, and a willingness to learn over wanting to be right, and is something that can greatly enhance our lives and relationships.

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How much of our lives do we spend living in way to please other people? How much unhappiness do we feel in our lives because we’re not being ourselves? Today I want to talk about why it can be really hard to live authentically.
“And this, too, affords no small occasion for anxieties - if you are bent on assuming a pose and never reveal yourself to anyone frankly, in the fashion of many who live a false life that is all made up for show; for it is torturous to be constantly watching oneself and be fearful of being caught out of our usual role. And we are never free from concern if we think that every time anyone looks at us he is always taking our measure; for many things happen that strip off our pretense against our will, and, though all this attention to self is successful, yet the life of those who live under a mask cannot be happy and without anxiety. But how much pleasure there is in simplicity that is pure, in itself unadorned, and veils no part of its character! Yet even such a life as this does run some risk of scorn, if everything lies open to everybody; for there are those who disdain whatever has become too familiar. But neither does virtue run any risk of being despised when she is brought close to the eyes, and it is better to be scorned by reason of simplicity than tortured by perpetual pretense.”

― Seneca
Growing up, I was constantly adjusting and perfecting the persona that I showed to other people. Because I was expected to be a good little mormon boy - we used the term Peter Priesthood - I was constantly making sure that I never really revealed my true thoughts and feelings about a lot of things, depending on the company I was in. I learned how to espouse the “correct” views so that I was able to fit in to the culture I was in. It was only when I spent time with my theater friends outside of church or school that I felt like I was able to be more of my true self. The biggest problem with this was that I always felt like a fraud. I disagreed with the church on a lot of issues, but because I had been raised to believe that church doctrine was the word of god and it’s leaders were infallible, I felt like there was something wrong with me rather than the teachings. The church’s views on topics ranging from sexuality to science to the treatment of women were thing that just never fit with my own opinions and ideas. Because I was so immersed in the culture, I got pretty good at saying all the right things at the right time. This was also an issue at home where often I had to hide my true feelings and ideas in order to keep the peace with my father. Learning to navigate his explosive moods to stay safe from his wrath also felt like a tamping down of my own self. It’s taken many years, decades even, to learn how to stand up for my own opinions. Often times I wasn’t even sure what I felt or thought about things or what I really wanted as a person because I had spent so many decades hiding my wants and needs in order to fit in with others and remain a member of the church.Over time, what this did to me, and what it does to others, is it gives you the message that who you are as a person is not acceptable. Because we all want to fit in, we bury that true self because that self is not okay. We end up miserable because deep down we know that we’re faking it to get along. We’re lying to ourselves and to everyone around us, and that takes a toll on our mental health. We often feel resentful of those around us because we feel like they are the reason that we can’t relax and just be ourselves, when in reality, it’s prison of our own making. We spend much of our time doing things or acting in a way to fit in with those around you, and this feels disingenuous and fake and not who we really want to be. This is what happens when we are well socialized. We all are trained by our culture of how to fit in and what things are acceptable and what things gain you approval of others. Breaking this kind of thinking and behavior is really hard for most people because from birth we are trained to seek approval. And for most of us, this pretense we’re taught to keep up feels fake, but we’re not sure how to be otherwise.Recognizing this feeling is where the work starts. Once you start to look around and see what is really going, you have choices. Do you just go with the flow or are you honest with yourself and others about who you really are and what you really want? Do you tell people no when you don’t want to do something? Do you go along with the crowd so as not to offend others? Do you step up and be that person that you want to be regardless of who others want you to be? These are not easy choices. It feels like so much at stake for stepping up and owning your life. But there is even more at stake if you don’t, mainly, living a life that you won’t regret when it comes to a close. So how to we break out of this pattern? How do we take off this mask? It think the first step is to accept yourself for exactly who you are. This is not an easy thing. When you’ve been brought up with all the subtle messages that the person you are is not acceptable, it’s really hard to believe that you are okay. But I will tell you something, you are okay. Do you know how I know that? Because you are here in the planet to be exactly who you are. No one else is just like you, so your job is to be the best you that you can be. Accept all the messy, weird, and quirky bits of you, just like you do with your friends. Second, spend time with people that accept and encourage you to be yourself. If people don’t like you for being yourself, then they are not your people and that’s okay. Why try to fit in with others that don’t like you? Be around those that you can be honest with. That you can tell your truth to without being shamed or belittled. Another step that I have found comes from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman. In a commencement speech at the University of Philadelphia, he said, the most important thing we can do in life is to “Make good art.” Why art? Art has always been a way for people to explore facets about themselves. Writing, drawing, sculpting, singing, writing music, whatever it is that you can do, just do it. You can find what makes you unique. And don’t worry if it’s good or not. It’s not about impressing anyone else, it’s just about exploring and making things that are all about you. What it really comes down to is learning to listen to yourself, knowing what you want, and making choices that suit you best rather than make others happy. You may lose friends and even family if you take that path, but you might just find yourself.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support the podcast? Head on over to patreon.

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It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it. — SenecaDo you think that life just happens to you? That you are simply a pawn in the game of life? Because there are so many things that we don’t have control over in our lives, it can be easy to fall into this kind of mental trap. The problem is that when adopt this kind of thinking, then we have placed an unhelpful filter through which we view everything that happens in our lives. While there is plenty of debate within the stoic community as to whether or not stoics are fatalists, meaning they believe that life happens as fate determines, I honestly don’t worry too much about it. If we are simply following out the plan of life that is predetermined for us, then there is really nothing we can do about it. If we aren’t and we actually do have freewill, then we should keep doing our best to live the best life we can. With that said, it can be easy to fall into the trap of feeling like life just happens to us, and that we have little to no control over anything. And if this is the case, and we have little to no control over out lives, then adjusting our outlook to be of the mind that everything that happens actually happens “for us” and not just “to us” can certainly make the trip much more enjoyable.So let’s take a look at each of these perspectives. When we believe that life happens “to us” then there is very little that we can do about it. Everything is just going to happen and we just have to endure it. We feel like victims because we have no control over all these things happening to us. We wish things would happen the way we want them to, and when things don’t go the way that we want we complain about it. We blame our failures on someone or something outside of ourselves. We are simply at the whim of all these external forces.When we believe that life happens “for us”, the same things may happen, but how we respond to them and how we let them impact us is quite different. We are no longer a victim of circumstance. We look at everything with an eye as to what we can learn from this situation. We find ways to become stronger from what happens to us. We are curious about what is happening, and how we might even be able to enjoy things, even if they are challenging or uncomfortable. There is also no one to “blame” for anything because even if something sucks, if we approach it as something that life is supposed to bring our way, that it really is something for us to learn from.“An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself.”- Epictetus When we hit setbacks, we don’t look around for someone to blame for it, we recognize that the setback is there for us to learn. Maybe it’s to teach us persistence. Maybe it’s a sign for us to change course. Maybe we missed something along the way and the setback is time for us to evaluate other opportunities. Let’s take an example that can show the difference between these two perspectives. Let’s say that you had to have a difficult conversation with someone, and you knew that things could get heated. If you were to approach this with a “to me” attitude, you would be frustrated with this person that they are getting angry with you or not listening to your point of view. You might be defensive with them because of all the things they were doing to you. You might even avoid the conversation in the first place.But if you were to approach them with an “for me” attitude, you would see it as an opportunity. You might see this as a chance for you to practice listening to this person and to hear their concerns. You would see it as an opportunity to craft a solution that suits both of you. You would be more likely to approach it with compassion rather than defensiveness. It would also make it less likely for you to avoid the situation in first place. So why do we feel like most things happen to us rather than for us? It think there are a number of reasons. First is that quite naturally we don’t have much control over many of the things that life sends our way. I mean the fact that we don’t control where we were born, the color of our skin, or the family that we belong to, we recognize that some of the core parts of our life are just chance. Because we have little control over some of the key aspect of our life, it’s natural to apply this to other areas of our lives. I think another big reason is that humans are great at taking the path of least resistance and it’s easier to blame what happens on things outside of ourselves. Taking ownership of our lives is a lot of work. It’s something that we all talk about, but to actually step up and so is not something most of us are good at. We’re not really taught to accept responsibility, we’re taught not to fail. I mean think about in school. If you mess up a test or class project, you’re punished for it. You get bad grades and you get in trouble with your parents. We don’t look at those things as signals that you are not understanding something or pointing to areas that you need to work on. And so we do our best to avoid having that failure on us, so we look to find someone or something to blame.I do want to point out though that this is not the same as the platitude that “everything happens for a reason”. I find this is very popular in religious circles and it always rubbed me wrong because to me it always implied that you were either being rewarded or punished by god for being a good or bad person. People don’t get cancer for a good reason. People don’t get abused by their parents for a reason. That’s just not how life works. Life just happens, and sometimes it sucks and can be pretty damaging, and it’s so much easier to just blame everything that is wrong on something outside of ourselves. I like to think of “for me” is a much more neutral perspective. Life puts these things out there for me, and I can decide what I want to do with them. I can learn from them, and grow stronger. I can ignore them, and try to find ways avoid them. But if we really want to be in control of our lives, we need to look at challenges not as something that is in our way, but more like an obstacle course that we choose to test ourselves and something that we can improve our skills in overcoming. When we can recognize that life and it’s many challenges are here for us, the better we can get about just facing things head on with curiosity and compassion.

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Living on this planet with other people can be very challenging at times. If you’re like me, sometimes you have a strong difference of opinion with someone, and you end up in an argument and spend a lot of time and energy trying to change the other persons mind. We see this play out on social media as well where people spend a lot of time and energy trying to debate other people to get them to change. Watching this behavior in myself and others, makes me ask the question:Why do we spend so much time trying to change other people or expecting that other people will change for us?We know that we cannot change others, but there’s a part of us that wants the world to change for us. Our brain looks for threats and danger outside of ourselves in order to keep us safe. When we’re uncomfortable, it’s challenging to just sit with those things that are uncomfortable so we look for a cause outside of ourselves. Maybe we don’t like what someone else said, or we disagree with their opinion. We think that if the other person would behave or think differently, then we would be happier. Rather than spending our time and energy looking inside and finding what we control in the situation, we try to change what we think is the cause. The problem is that we misidentify the cause of our distress. We think the cause is someone or something else, but really it comes down to the story that we’re telling ourself. It’s the meaning that we give to what the other person said or did. We take their actions and words and interpret them to suit the narrative that going on in our minds. We spin what they other person says in a negative or positive light depending out our opinion of them. One of the main reasons that we may try to change other people is that we want others to think like us. Human beings are very social animals and fitting in with others is very important. It’s part of what helps our survival. If there are more people who think like us, then we feel like our worldview is correct, and we feel safer. We feel like we’re part of how the world is supposed to be. When others disagree with us, we may feel like our worldview is under threat, which causes us to feel uncomfortable or even hostile. When it comes to an opinion that we hold very strongly, we may unconsciously feel fear when something comes along and challenges our beliefs. We don’t like the tension and so we try to change the other persons opinion.I also think as humans we’re all a little lazy, or more to the point, our brains are lazy tries to be efficient. Taking time to figure out where we might be wrong or to figure out the the things we can control takes time and cognitive energy. It also takes energy to actually control the things we can. If we can get someone else to do the work, then we don’t have to. The problem with expecting others to do this kind of work, and to change for us, is that it makes others resentful, and the changes that we need to make don’t happen. Also, in the long run it means a lot more work for us if we expect others to change for us, we have to somehow convince all those other people to change to fit our worldview. When someone is properly grounded in life, they shouldn’t have to look outside themselves for approval. — EpictetusSo how do we work with this? How can we get better about recognizing and staying in a place where we don’t need to change other people in order for us to feel happy? I think the first thing we need to do is ask ourselves why it is important that we change this other person? What do we get if they change their mind? What happens if they don’t? What are you making it mean if this person has a different opinion? What’s the story you’re telling yourself?I think a lot of this behavior comes from insecurity. When we are insecure, we need others to agree with us in order for us to feel okay with ourselves. Our ego needs that validation in order for us to feel okay. When we are comfortable with ourselves, we don’t need others to agree with us. Just as we wouldn’t argue with someone over whether 1 + 1 = 2, if we are really secure with ourselves, we would not feel threatened over someone disagreeing with us. Don’t argue with people nor insist on showing them truth. Maybe it is you who needs to change your mind. Even if you are right you only incur resentment by trying to correct others. —The Ancient SageWe also need to consider the fact that we might be the one who is wrong. Just because you think something and have an opinion about something does not mean that you are correct and the other person is not. When we take the time to really consider someone else’s opinion, we may find some problems with the opinion that we are holding. We would just realize that we had bad information and could adjust accordingly.Lastly, we need to recognize that when we expect others to change for us, we give our power away because we are basing our comfort or happiness upon someone else changing for us. When we expect others to change for us, we are placing ourselves in the role of a victim. We’re unhappy and won’t feel happy until someone else changes and does what we want them to. Not a good way to to find equanimity.Learning to let go of our ego and of our need to have other people think like we do can reduce a lot of stress in our lives. When we can listen to and be curious about other peoples opinions without taking it to mean that we’re wrong if we don’t agree with them. We can expand our worldview while at the same time preserve our equanimity.

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You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
—Marcus Aurelius

Having a clear idea of what we can and can't control is the most fundamental principle of stoicism, and almost every other idea flows from there. This is also one of the easier concepts to understand, but so hard to actually implement.

How do you manage to clearly divide what you can and can't control?

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How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life.
— Marcus Aurelius

How often do you complain about the hard things in your life? How often do you find yourself disappointed that things don't turn out the way you think they should? Learning to accept what life sends our way is probably one of the most challenging things to do. But to wish for life to be other than it is, is to deny reality and to miss out on learning what life can teach us.

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Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself, sufferings, even, being withstood if they have been trained for in advance. Those who are unprepared, on the other hand, are panic-stricken by the most insignificant happenings.

—Seneca

Stoicism is often seen as a tool to avoid emotions, but is this a good idea? How should stoics handle their emotions? In this episode, I respond to criticism in Psychology today that Stoicism is a fad and that it is a dangerous tool that promotes the repression of a emotion.

Today's episode is about stoics and emotions. So earlier this week on reddit, in the stoicism subreddit, somebody posted a link to an article in Psychology Today called stoicism as a fad of philosophy. I decided to take the time to read the article and surprisingly I found that my podcast was mentioned in the second paragraph and called my podcast noncommittal, which I take as not an insult, but as very true about what I try to do with this podcast. I do my best to take stoicism and give it to my listeners in such a way that they can apply it in their daily lives. I don't think that you need to commit yourself to being a hardcore stoic one way or the other, but that you can find things within this philosophy that help you to live a better life. Now the article was okay. There are definitely some problems that I had with the article, although I did appreciate the shout out I guess. The first part she spends a lot of time, I'm sorry, she is Mariska Olivia, I'm sorry if I didn't pronounce that correctly doing the best I can. She is an associate professor of philosophy at the University of Colorado and Denver and the issues that I had with this article was simply that, you know, first off she talks about it as a fad and the reason why this has become so popular right now, is simply because Ryan Holiday is a great marketer and while yes, a lot of people have heard of stoicism because of Ryan Holiday, I think that she's missing a giant point there of why stoicism has really picked up. For me, I look at stoicism as something that is really filling a number of things that a lot of people need. So for people like me, I just turned 50 this year, if you can believe that! I would be considered part of the Gen X generation. I grew up as you all know, I grew up mormon and found their religion was something that did not work for me. It was something that actually made my life much more miserable. But there were aspects of religion that were very helpful for me, but they really didn't unfortunately in my case outweigh the negatives of being in religion. I can see that religion as a whole has been very detrimental to a lot of people and it's something that's been very abused and so I think right now there is a lot of need for people to have a kind of moral framework, if you will, to view life through, that doesn't have all of the abuses that go along with it, that we find in traditional religions today. And so for me, I look at stoicism is definitely fulfilling a lot of these needs. And part of the reason why is because it is something that it contains a lot of what I call universal principles, meaning there are things that seem to makes sense no matter where you are or who you are, and there are things that you can try and you know what they work, and that for me is what stoicism is all about. It's a practical philosophy that actually is something that helps you in your life. It's not just some esoteric, you know, thought idea that people want to sit and argue about, but it's real practical principles about how to live a better life. It's not something that you have to take as dogma. You don't have to take the whole thing and say, I have to live exactly this way. There are just lots of principles that can help you in different aspects of your life, but it's put together in a decent framework, so you have a good foundation to kind of help guide your life when find yourself in challenging situations. There was another part of her main points of the article that I definitely had a bone to pick, and I wanted to bring that up today. She talks about how stoicism is used to basically get rid of emotions, and she says if you refuse to make a deep emotional investment in anything, you will likely miss the joy that accompanies success, not simply avoiding the pain of failure. She also says that stoicism is thus a bit like those drugs for bipolar disorder that cause emotions to flatline and help avoid the lows at the cost of sacrificing the highs. And this is something I really disagree with because for me, stoicism is not about divorcing yourself from emotions or turning off all of your emotions. Stoicism for me is about understanding how your emotions are created, how your emotions affect you, how the thoughts in your head, the stories that you tell yourself create a lot of these emotions and how by understanding these things, you can manage your emotions better. I mean, I see stoics as people who not who are not avoiding emotions but are so comfortable with emotions that they can move in and out of them really easy. They can sit in those heavy, dark, challenging emotions and they don't act like everybody else does or how how you think they should. And that's really what it comes down to is that stoics take their time so that they can be in charge of their emotions. They don't respond like a lot of people do in the situation. So Seneca did a really good job of explaining this when he said, “Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself sufferings. Even being withstood if they have been trained for in advance, those who are unprepared on the other hand are panic stricken by the most insignificant happenings.” I mean a good metaphor for this is that if you come upon a fire and somebody's house is on fire, usually the people who are trying to escape are kind of freaking out. They are doing their best to get out of the house as fast as they can. And most people in a dangerous situation like that are are working off of pure instinct. They're doing their best to just get out of there as fast as possible. But if you are a firefighter and you are well trained and you know how to handle yourself in a firefighting situation, you're going to come up on a situation like this and your reaction, your response is going to be very very different for a number of reasons. One, because you've trained because you're comfortable in that situation, you're comfortable in this situation that brings a lot of fear and anxiety to your average person. A stoic is very much like this. They're okay with uncomfortable emotions. In fact they can sit with them and they practiced being okay with these dark emotions. So they're not repressing these emotions, they're just learning how to sit with them and deal with them in a much healthier way rather than allowing these emotions to overtake them and cause them to do things that they might regret later on. I mean the stoics feel their emotions just as much as anyone else. When someone dies, for a stoic, they grieve just as much as the next person. They just don't let that grief overcome them to the point of inaction. Stoics strive to be emotionally mature. This means that rather than reacting like most people would, stoics practice mindfulness in a way that allows them to see the situation for what it really is and act in the way that's going to be most helpful. The way I see it as a stoic is kind of one step ahead of the game. They are not easily upset by things because when they come upon a situation, they’re so mindful of their own emotions that they're able to, again, manage them in a way that's going to be most beneficial for everybody in the situation. It doesn't mean they turn them off. It just means that they can step past those emotions, they can step past that fear, they can step past that anger and act in a way that's going to be more helpful than giving in to those emotions. Because of this mindfulness, when things are challenging ,when there's a crisis, they know that losing their shit would cause more harm than good. And so they use their rationality to serve those around them rather than being upset about the awfulness of their circumstances. They recognize that they always have a choice to do something of value in any situation. Even if those choices are very limited. A stoic takes their time to examine and get to know their emotional states and to be curious about what they're feeling. They learn to sit with these emotions, especially when those emotions are uncomfortable. They don't repress those emotions, but they get comfortable with them. They're able to sit in any emotional state, knowing that it will most likely be short lived and that it can change in an hour or even just a few minutes. So the stoics have given us a lot of tools to be able to manage our emotions better. And one of the biggest tools, you know, we've talked about this before is the idea of negative visualization or premeditato malorum, which is to sit down and think about in any situation, what's the worst thing that can happen And this can be applied in all kinds of situations. If you're planning a trip, sometimes sitting down and thinking about what's the worst thing that can happen canan do a number of things. It can help you to notice things that you may not have thought of before. It can help you be more prepared when those things happen. Another way that it's used is that we imagine what it would be like for those that we love to not be here with us, to have died. And we understand that it's kind of like a pre-grieving process and we we feel that feeling of what it would be like if this person were no longer in our life, we feel that grief already. And part of why this is such a powerful thing is that we get ourselves used to feeling that that kind of sadness. But then when we let go of that, when we recognize that this is just something that we're creating in our minds and we let it go, we appreciate that person because they're still alive and we appreciate them even more in our life and how much they mean to us. And, for me, we actually deepen our feelings and we appreciate the fact that they are still with us now and so that we have more joy when we're around them. So that practice is a simple practice of imagining what it would be like to be without those we love can help deepen our relationships and our feelings about those person. Now, don't get me wrong. I think that anytime somebody criticizes stoicism or tries to point out things that are probably wrong with stoicism, I think that's really helpful. And in this case I read the article and even though I disagreed with it, I do find that there are people who oftentimes use stoicism as a tool to repress their emotions and that's not something that stoicism really should be used for. But I think that we should look at these criticisms and say, “Is that something that's really happening?” And one of the things that I have noticed on reddit in the stoicism subreddit, is that there are quite a few people who talk about using stoicism as a way to limit their emotions as a way to stop feeling a lot of things. And these are usually people who are new to stoicism and they're usually people who are probably in a lot of pain, and sometimes kind of numbing out that pain can be helpful for a time in order for them to get to a place where they can deal with those emotions better. But if you're using stoicism as a way to simply avoid all negative emotions and to not feel them, then you're kind of missing the point, because stoicism is very much about being like a kayaker on a river. And if you want to say that a river is, is all these swirling emotions going along, then a skillful kayaker doesn't avoid the rapids doesn't avoid the currents. In fact, they really enjoy them and they easily navigate over these currents and rapids, and in some cases, even some waterfalls, but they're comfortable in these tumultuous conditions. They don't try to avoid them, but they handle them with grace and skill and that's how we want to be as stoics. We want to be able to move in and out of these emotions and handle them properly and handle them in a way that's useful without setting them down because those emotional things are what make us human. Getting comfortable with our emotions is part of being a stoic and just part of being able to live a good life as a human being. Strong emotions aren't something that should be feared but are something that should be understand and should be managed well. And I think stoicism is definitely one of the things that has given us tools to do that better in our lives.

---Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, please consider give a donation on Patreon at https://patreon.com/stoiccoffeeYou can also find more episodes at our website, https://stoic.coffee, and pick up some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop at https://stoic.coffee/shop.Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it.
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Acceptance of Others

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil.

— Marcus Aurelius

Last week I talked about accepting yourself for exactly who you are, including all the things you like and more importantly the things you don’t like about yourself. This week I want to talk about accepting others for exactly who they are. Amor Fati is the acceptance and the embracing of your fate, or what life brings your way. We usually think of applying this to just the events and circumstances of life, but have you ever thought of applying this to other people? For me I think of Amor Fati as loving everything in your life, especially those things that you don’t have control over, and one thing we don’t have control of is other people.I think we can see that most of the problems in our lives and throughout humanity have been one party tries to impose their will and ideas of how they think others should be. We see this in personal relationships and the world as a whole. This is really what the basis of all conflict is.- Why is it that we think we have the right to determine what it best for other people? I think the biggest problem we have with getting along with other people is that we forget that they are not here to do what we want them to. They are not here to look out for our best interest. They are just like us - looking out for their best interest.What if we just accepted that everyone is looking out for themselves, just like we are? What if we realized that they are just as selfish as we are, and could let go of the idea that other people should act in the way that we want them to? I mean if you did that you would not feel resentful of others. You would never be surprised at anything they did. You would just accept the fact that they are not going to behave how you think they should.And since we’re working on accepting ourselves for exactly who we are, we have to be honest about the fact that we’re looking out for our own best interests as well. I mean we may say things in such a way that it makes us look better and that we’re not being selfish, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, we’re just looking out for what we want and that’s okay. It’s part of self preservation. It’s just we need to be cognizant when our needs step on the needs of others and work on communicating and negotiating those things. But that is really hard because it means that we have to own up to being exactly who we are and honest about what we really want.- We want them to accept us for exactly who we are, so the better we can be at accepting them for who they are, then we both have the space and support to be ourselves.- When we accept others for who they are, it does not mean that we have to approve of everything they do. We don’t have to like everything they do. We just have to recognize that they are what they are, and to be aware of how our expectations of how we think they should be color how we see them. We make all kinds of judgments base on our expectations, and unless they have explicitly agreed to them, we need to be aware of how we are judging them.- It does not mean that they can ignore our boundaries and behave in ways that are not respectful. We need to clearly communicate with others when they do this, and let them know what is and is not acceptable. If they cross our boundaries that we have communicated then we need to be sure to respect ourselves, and let them know what our response will be. - It does mean that we are gracious with others. When they make mistakes, we give them some space to apologize and make amends. We don’t stop loving them when they annoy us. It means that we can still love them even if they are not perfect.- We also need to encourage others to respect their own boundaries. Often we have friends who don’t think they have the right to stand up for themselves, so being conscientious that we respect their boundaries is important. This helps them to feel like they deserve respect, and we have integrity for respecting their boundaries.- It’s kinda like Shrek and Donkey. They certainly annoy each other, but they still love and support and help each other, even if they’re frustrated with each other. They will never leave the other one hanging when they are in need. - Recognize that we cannot control others, so we let them be themselves. This is not always easy because we have expectations of how we want them to be. And this goes for everyone - family, romantic partners, friends, strangers - everyone. I think what it really comes down to is that we all want to just be accepted for who we are and to find our place in this world, and the least, or maybe the best that we can do is offer the same to others.

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Thanks again for listening.

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One of the hardest things for us to do, though it is one of the most important things we will ever learn, is to accept ourselves for exactly who we are. But when you decide to take this on and make it a priority, it can be one of the most life changing thing you can do.

"It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."

— Marcus Aurelius

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, please consider give a donation on Patreon at https://patreon.com/stoiccoffee
You can also find more episodes at https://stoic.coffee, and pick up some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
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Thanks again for listening.

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An interview with Donald J. Robertson about his new graphic novel about Marcus Aurelius called Verissimus. We talk about all kinds of stoic history and the politics of his day.

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Forget everything else. Keep hold of this alone and remember it: Each of us lives only now, this brief instant. —Marcus Aurelius

Don’t let fear, low self-esteem and the negative voices hold you back from your true destiny. —David Goggins

One of the hardest things for me, and I’m sure that many of you fall into the same category, is to know what you want and have the courage to go after it. There are plenty of reason why this happens, and for the most part it comes down to fear, and the two biggest are fear of failure, and fear of disapproval of others. Today I want to talk about some changes I’m making in my life, and how I’m facing these fears.

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“When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control, and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. Habitual recurrence to the harmony will increase your mastery of it.” ― Marcus Aurelius Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about equanimity and how it may be the most important idea that the stoics came up with. And the more I look into it, the more I see that this is the one of the most important principles, and a foundation for being able to apply the other principles more effectively. We can also see how important this is in other traditions, such as Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism, also promotes the idea of calming the mind as one of the highest virtues.

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Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it. — Epictetus

Events in life mean nothing if you do not reflect on them in a deep way, and ideas from books are pointless if they have no application to life as you live it. — Robert Greene

The hardest thing about any philosophy is being able to apply what you learn in real life. We can read all the books, watch all the videos, follow all the gurus, but until we actually apply what we've learned, all of that learning is worthless.

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Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself, sufferings, even, being withstood if they have been trained for in advance. Those who are unprepared, on the other hand, are panic-stricken by the most insignificant happenings.

— Seneca

When you're in the midst of a challenge it's really hard to think clearly. It's hard sometimes to remember that this moment is just this moment and will not be forever. In this episode, I’m going to talk about how thinking longer term can help smooth out the day to day rough patches and help you stay more resilient.

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Anxieties can only come from your internal judgement.

— Marcus Aurelius

We all have things in our lives that seems to stop us from completing things that we really want to do. Often, these things aren’t even all that big but end up being show stoppers nonetheless. Today I want to talk about why it’s important to pay attention to the things that get in your way, and some possible ways to get around them.

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“To be always fortunate, and to pass through life with a soul that has never known sorrow, is to be ignorant of one half of nature.”

― Seneca

Life is never meant to be kittens and rainbows. A good portion of our life is going to sadness, disappointment, and failure. In this episode, I want to talk about how being too positive can actually be bad for you.

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Brief is man’s life and small the nook of the Earth where he lives; brief, too, is the longest posthumous fame, buoyed only by a succession of poor human beings who will very soon die and who know little of themselves, much less of someone who died long ago.

—Marcus Aurelius

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One cannot pursue one’s own highest good without at the same time necessarily promoting the good of others. A life based on narrow self-interest cannot be esteemed by any honorable measurement. Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings. Our human contract is not with the few people with whom our affairs are most immediately intertwined, nor to the prominent, rich, or well educated, but to all our human brethren.

— Epictetus

What kind of privileges have you had in your life? Do you recognize the advantages that you have enjoyed? In this episode I want to talk about privilege, and how the stoics encourage us to use the privliges we have to improve society.

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It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own. – Marcus Aurelius Are you afraid to tell others what you really think or how you really feel? In this episode I want to talk about the idea of radical candor, and how committing to being honest about what you think and feel is one of the most challenging but rewarding things you can do.

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Don’t demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible.  — Epictetus

What if you stopped resisting what life brought your way? What if you could cheerfully accept everything that came your way? How would that change the way you showed up in the world? This week I want to talk about the importance of dealing with what is, and not what we think it should be.

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The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.

— Epictetus Do you think that life is meant to be comfortable? Do you make choices in your life to take the easy path and avoid discomfort? If so, then you may not be living a life as full as you could.

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Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.

— Epictetus

One topic that I revisit on the podcast repeatedly is how important it is to control the things that we can’ and let go of the things that we can’t. For me, this is one of the most important lessons we can learn in our lives. In this episode, I want to talk about how we be more mindful of what we can, and what we cannot control.

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If change is forced upon you, you must resist the temptation to overreact or feel sorry for yourself.

— Robert Greene

How often do you feel that life is unfair? That something happened that you think should not have happened to you? Maybe someone hurt you and you want them to fix it? In this episode I want to talk about blame and responsibility.

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It is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence.

— William K. Clifford, Ethics of Belief

We all like to think that we are wise, that our opinions are well thought out, and that we’re smart enough to spot when we have inconsistent beliefs. Today I want to talk about why believing something without sufficient evidence is wrong, and that idea that how we come to a belief or a conclusion is more important that the whether the belief or conclusion is correct.

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“While we wait for life, life passes.”

— Seneca

Time is the most important, the most in demand resource that we have in life. Are you spending yours wisely or do you let it go to waste? Today I want to talk about time, and how we can take some steps to be mindful of how we spend it.

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“You may leave this life at any moment: have this possibility in your mind in all that you do or say or think.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Do you think about death? Are you afraid of death? Do you take the time to think about what the world will be like when you are no longer here? Today I want to talk about why death is so important, and how when we avoid thinking about death, we are missing out on one of the best tools to live a fulfilling life.

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“The responsibility is all yours. No one can stop you from being honest or straightforward.”

— Marcus Aurelius

To you own your actions? Do you graciously accept the consequences of your choices? When you make a mistake do you try to cover it up? Today I want to talk about the idea that to have more control over your life, you need to accept responsibility for everything you do.

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“Objective judgment, at this very moment. Unselfish action, now at this very moment. Willing acceptance – now at this very moment – of all external events. That’s all you need.”

— Marcus Aurelius

How aware are you of what you are thinking? What you are feeling? Most of us like to think that we are pretty aware of what’s going on in our minds or what emotion is currently driving us. I mean, we’re the one inside of our mind, so we should know what we’re thinking or feeling, right? Well, not always. Often, the thoughts and emotions inside my head are busy, confusing, conflicting, and overwhelming. So today we’re going to talk about the most important mental skill you can develop, awareness.

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“Everything, a horse, a vine, is created for some duty. For what task, then, were you yourself created? A person’s true delight is to do the things they were made for.”

—Marcus Aurelius

Do you really know what you want? When you think about what you want, does it excite you? Does it scare you? Are you pursuing what you want? In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about why it’s scary to know what you want, and why that’s a good thing.

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“Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer. Put your principles into practice–now. Stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is your life! […] Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do–now.”

— Epictetus

We all have events and challenges that happen in our lives. That what life is all about. When the stoics use the term Amor Fati, what they mean is to love your fate, to love and accept what life sends your way. How you feel about the events that happen to you in your life will not change if they are going to happen or not. They will happen. What thoughts you have around these events, how you feel about them, and how you respond to them are the only things that you have control over.

If this is the case, why do we make excuses? Why do we come up with rationalizations about these how we do or don’t, especially when the rationalizations just make us feel worse about the actions we want to take anyway?

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It is possible to curb your arrogance, to overcome pleasure and pain, to rise above your ambition, and to not be angry with stupid and ungrateful people — yes, even to care for them.

— Marcus Aurelius

How do you win an argument? All of us have to deal with conflict in our lives. To think otherwise is completely unrealistic. But when we have an argument, what is our goal? What do we hope to achieve? To change the other person’s mind? To prove that we are right? Today I want to talk about why we argue, and the best way to win an argument.

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“Humans exist for the sake of one another.” 

— Marcus Aurelius

A few weeks ago I talked about being self-sovereign, that you are in 100% responsible for your choices and actions, and that you may live exactly the want to, regardless of the opinions of others. I got to thinking about it, and I wanted to cover another aspect of what it means to be self-sovereign. When you choose to live by your rules and values, it means that you are only controlling the things that you can control, and not trying to control those you can’t. But does this mean that you can ignore everyone around you and live in ways that are only helpful to you? 

Yes, you can. But does that mean that you should?

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“So you were born to feel ‘nice’? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?” — Marcus Aurelius

One of the toughest things in life is to work at a job we don’t like. There are plenty of factors that can lead to job satisfaction. Many of them are outside of our control, but there are some that aren’t, and those are the most important ones because they can lead to true job satisfaction, and maybe to finding your purpose in life.

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“If something is difficult for you to accomplish, do not then think it impossible for any human being; rather, if it is humanly possible and corresponds to human nature, know that it is attainable by you as well.”

— Marcus Aurelius

What is the key to success? Why are some people able to achieve what they want while others languish? Today we’re going to talk about how Stoicism can help you to develop the skills it takes to reach your goals, and live your best life.

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“Be content to seem what you really are.”

— Marcus Aurelius

One of the hardest things in our lives is to be completely honest with those around us. Why is that? Why do we hide parts of ourselves or lie about how we feel, especially with those we love the most? We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of not belonging. We are afraid that if those closest to us really “knew” us, they would no longer love us. The need to fit in and belong is a powerful, almost primal one.

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“Get busy with life’s purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue — if you care for yourself at all — and do it while you can.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Does being a Stoic mean you can be apathetic? Does not reacting mean that you just give up? Because Stoicism is about controlling your response, it can easily seem that you just let things just happen and don’t take action. But to be a true Stoic, you are the opposite of apathetic. You are effective. By taking the time to choose your shot, you don’t waste time or energy on the things you can’t control.  Often, we confuse action with actually doing something useful. Because Stoicism is about taking responsibility for ourselves, we need to be smart about the actions we choose. When we take the time to make a deliberate and well thought out choice. We want to be effective, not busy.

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“It is not events that disturb people, it is their judgements concerning them.” — Marcus Aurelius

How often do you find yourself upset over something someone said? Maybe you’re stressed out over something that is happened. Maybe it’s the opposite and you’re extremely excited about some event happening in your life. Whatever it is, every event that causes some kind of emotion for you is all driven by the story that you tell yourself.

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“I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent—no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.” 

– Seneca

Have you ever thought about how much energy and effort we as humans put into seeking comfort and avoiding challenging things? So many things that we spend money on in our lives revolve around making things easier or more comfortable. Part of human evolution has been to seek comfort. We try to make things easier for ourselves. But in doing so, are we robbing ourselves of a chance to grow? In our search for convenience, do we end up weakening ourselves?

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“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

When you find yourself in a challenging situation, how much time do you spend wishing things were different than they are? Do you get stuck in thinking how it’s not fair? What if instead of wanting to things to be other than what they are, we worked with what we have? What kind of change could you have in your life and in the lives of others if you instead focused on what you could do? How much time and frustration would you save yourself?

Today I want to talk about how taking action, even if it’s just a small one, can help get you on the path of moving through challenges.

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You only live in the present, this fleeting moment. The rest of your life is already gone or not yet revealed.

— Marcus Aurelius

How often do you think about the future? How much time do you spend thinking about the expectations you have for yourself, your life, those around you? How much time do you spend in your mind in the future, so much so that you don’t really live in the present?

Last week I talked about how it’s easy to get stuck in the past, and how doing so is a waste of energy because it not something that we have control over. Today I want to talk about holding expectations of the future can set us up for frustration and disappointment, and the tools the Stoics give us to enjoy life in the present.

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“Reason shows us there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

— Seneca

One of the core tenants of Stoicism is to be aware of, and to focus on what we can control and let go of those we can’t. One area that we don’t have control over is what happened in the past. It is not something that can we can change, yet it is one of the hardest things for us to let go of. Regrets are a prison of our own making, but we are the ones that hold the key to our escape. Learning how to untangle ourselves from past can bring us so peace and freedom to move more lightly in the present.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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“People exist for one another. You can instruct or endure them.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Everyone has needs. If you are a living, breathing human being, you have needs. Why do we find it so hard to ask for the things that we need? So why do so many of us feel like we’re broken because we have needs? In this week's episode we talk about neediness as something to be understood, not to be ignored.

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"It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone. What harms us is to persist in self-deceit and ignorance.” 

– Marcus Aurelius

Deep down, we all harbor insecurities. We feel that we just aren’t as good as we pretend to be, or want to be. Because our ego, our identity, is wrapped up in who we think we are. When something threatens that identity, we can easily get defensive. Our egos try to maintain these boundaries of who we think we are.

This week's episode is about one of the hardest things for us as human to receive - criticism. 

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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“Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person or that person, this challenge, this deed. Quit the evasions. Stop giving yourself needless trouble. It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in right now. You are not some disinterested bystander. Participate. Exert yourself.” — Epictetus

One of the hardest things that we have to deal with as humans is anxiety. As humans, we evolved to be constantly aware of threats around us. This is how our brains evolved to keep us alive. That rustling in the bushes could have been a snake or tiger. The adrenaline spike got us ready in flash should we need to fight for our lives or run for safety. Without these traits, humans would not have survived very long.   The problem is that we are built to handle threats that don’t exist for most of us. Getting your brain to understand and appreciate that though is a whole other challenge to our modern world. Because our brains are constantly on the lookout for threats, we may feel uncomfortable or anxious for something that we “think” we shouldn’t cause that kind of response. We also can't just "think" our way out of anxiety. Because anxiety is a physical sensation, it needs to be handled in a physical way.

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"Don’t set your mind on things you don’t possess as if they were yours, but count the blessings you actually possess and think how much you would desire them if they weren’t already yours."

— Marcus Aurelius

When we think about things that we want in our lives, we also need to think about the thing that we already have, and appreciate those things. It’s easy for us to get stuck in the mindset of only focusing on the things that we don’t have in our lives. We focus on what we are lacking as a person and where we consider ourselves as failures. We can get too focused on all the material things that we don’t have and want.

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“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”

—Marcus Aurelius

For people who live in a Guess Culture, learning to ask for what we want is particularly challenging. It can feel uncomfortable, produce anxiety, and in some instances can upset the "way things are supposed to be done". But learning to be a better asker can help improve communication with those around you, and remove a lot of stress from your life.

Join us at https://stoic.coffee

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“Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?”

— Marcus Aurelius

The Stoics teach us that we’re part of the human community, that we’re here to help and support our fellow humans. We are social animals, and as much as we may think that we are independent, we’ve thrived as humans because of our cooperation. None of us can survive just on our own. We rely on each other in a very interconnected society.

So why is it SO hard to ask for help?

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“Give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.”

— Epictetus

The unglamorous, most powerful way to accomplish your goals and becoming the person that you want to become.

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“Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so.”

— Marcus Aurelius

How often do we complain about the things that we don’t like about in life? There are so many things to complain about in life. Even at this moment, there are so many things to complain about. The Pandemic. The government. Politics. Our relationships with others. Money. Even the weather. We can all find things to complain about.

Complaining about something wishes things to be other than they are. It is trying to get the universe to change for us. The universe doesn’t care about our complaints. If you are able, do something about it. If you are cannot, accept it, let it go, and move on. To continue complaining is a waste of time and energy.

Listen to more episodes at: https://stoic.coffee

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“It is our own opinions that disturb us. Take away these opinions and resolve to dismiss your judgment about an act as if it were something grievous, and your anger is gone.” 

— Marcus Aurelius

Practicing stoicism is not about repressing emotions. It is not about pretending you feel nothing. It’s about understanding how your mind works, so that you can use it to benefit you and those around you. It’s about finding balance and equanimity. It’s recognizing that you have control over what you think, feel, and do. If you are swayed by every little thing other people say, or frustrated by outside events, you will be at the whims of your emotions.

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“Win or learn, you never lose.” What if you could look at everything that happens to you as something you can learn from? What if you could train your mind to see everything as an opportunity? What if you could resist less, and flow more? This weeks episode we talk about how to reframe failure as opportunities to learn.

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“Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.”

— Epictetus

One of the core tenants of Stoicism is understanding the things we control and the things we cannot control. Clearly seeing things we do and don’t have control over is a skill that can impact every aspect of our lives. It can help lower our stress and help us make better and faster decisions. It can save us energy by focusing on the important things in our lives and letting go of the rest.

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“A person’s worth is measured by the worth of what they value.”

– Marcus Aurelius

Each of us has things we value, but does that include ourselves? The truth of it is our thoughts, your desires, are all valid. All of them. Sure, they might be considered silly, weird, or even disgusting by others. That is their opinion. The thing is, we are allowed to live our lives any way that we want. We get to live in the way that we think is best for us. We get to choose who we want to be. We are not here to live for someone else.

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Change Your Perspective, Change Your World

“It is not so much what happens to you as how you think about what happens." – Epictetus

Often times we struggle with our own perspective can color how we view ourselves and our lives. What would it take for you to change your perspective? In todays episode, we look at the story of one man who got a second chance at life, and how a shift in his perspective made all the difference.

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“Waste no more time arguing about what a good person should be. Be one.”

– Marcus Aurelius

On this podcast I talk a lot about being responsible for for your own actions and thoughts, but what does that really mean? How do you actually accomplish this?

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"A number of our blessings do us harm, for memory brings back the agony of fear while foresight brings it on prematurely. No one confines his unhappiness to the present.” — Seneca How different would your life be if you could live without fear? What kind of person would you be and what actions would you take if you weren’t afraid? Fear is a powerful force in our lives. It can be the driver of action or inaction. Because it taps into the hard wiring of our lizard brains, it pushes us into reacting in ways that are more basic and instinctual. In todays episode we talk about where fear comes from, and how to manage it.

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“To achieve freedom and happiness, you need to grasp this basic truth: some things in life are under your control, and others are not.”

• Epictetus

The first and most important teaching of Stoicism is that there are things that we control, and things we cannot and that we should focus on the things that we can control and let go of the rest. But how do we deal with things that we can’t control, but have a big impact on us? Stoicism gives us some tools to handle these situations.

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"I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others."

• Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius warned us worrying about the opinion of others is a waste of time. But, if we live with other people and are social animals, shouldn’t we worry about what others think?

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"Equanimity is the voluntary acceptance of the things which are assigned to thee by the common nature."

• Marcus Aurelius

How often do we hold ourselves back because of our inner critic? What if instead we practiced self acceptance, and treated ourselves like we treat a good friend - with honesty, kindness, and forgiveness?

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Sometimes we will say things we don't really believe or do things that we don't really want to in order to please other people order to avoid conflict. But in doing so we end up causing more problems in our relationships and have a lesser sense of self. Self Advocacy is the idea that you have the right to your own opinion, beliefs, and actions and that you don't have to try and please anyone else. Ever.

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Imposter Syndrome has killed more great works, more companies, more careers and possibilities than almost anything I know. We add qualifiers like “I’m working on becoming an actor.” Or “I work as an accountant but my side hustle is composing.” In today's episode will talk about applying lessons from one of the greatest teachers to help move past imposter syndrome.

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When we get angry it is because something has bothered us. We’re generally not taught how to manage our anger very well. Things get pushed below the surface when they stew and remain unresolved. But are we looking at anger the wrong way? Can anger be a force for good?

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Decisions are usually never black or white, right or wrong, but we usually look at them this way. In today's episode, we're going to discuss how poker can help lead us to better decision making.

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Self Ownership

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others.” — Marcus Aurelius

Are there people in your life that care about that always seem to be on the opposing side or disapprove of your choices? What are ways that you can set appropriate boundaries and hold true to yourself?

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Don’t kill the message. Often, we dismiss an idea because it makes us feel uncomfortable. We may dismiss the idea out of hand because it conflicts with our preexisting beliefs.

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Better than you? We are always comparing ourselves to others. It is the ego’s way of feeling like the self-image that is is a good one. We want to feel like we are “doing it right”. Often this means that we compare ourselves with others, making sure that we appear or at least feel like we are “better” than they are. But what does that really mean? Why are we better? Who is the judge of what is better? Can we just look at someone else and see that they are the same just that they’ve made different choices?

In today's episode, we're going to talk a bit about comparison, how it keeps us from compassion, and a simple strategy to move past it.

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What if you were able to look at the world and yourself more objectively? What if you could see things without so much judgment or emotion attached? In today's episode, we talk about a basic concept about the self from Anthony De Mello that can help us act in a more objective and less reactive manner.

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“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it...Life is long if you know how to use it.” — Seneca

Time is the most important, the most in-demand resource that we have in life. Are you spending yours wisely or do you let it go to waste?

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“It is in your power to withdraw yourself whenever you desire. Perfect tranquility within consists in the good ordering of the mind, the realm of your own.”

― Marcus Aurelius

Humans are very social creatures. It is our ability to be social and to cooperate in large numbers that has enabled us to create such amazing societies. We usually feel most at home when we’re with others, but there are times when we find ourselves alone. Most of us find it rather uncomfortable. How do we learn to be alone?

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“When someone criticizes you, they do so because they believe they are right. They can only go by their views, not yours. If their views are wrong, it is they who will suffer the consequences. Keeping this in mind, treat your critics with compassion. When you are tempted to get back at them, remind yourself, ‘They did what seemed to them to be the right thing to do.’”

— Epictetus

One of the hazards of being alive is the fact that we’re never going to please everyone. We’re going to have people that will not like what we do. People are going to criticize whatever it is we’re doing. And in the 21st century, this is nowhere more apparent than in social media. This weeks episode is about how to be your best online.

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“How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life” — Marcus Aurelius

What could possibly go wrong? I think one of the biggest mistakes that we as humans make is that we are far too optimistic about how something we’re planning might go. In doing so we often fool ourselves into believing that it will work as planned, and overlook what could go wrong. In this weeks episode, we’ll discuss how we can take steps to avoid the blind spots that can easily derail us.

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This weeks episode is an interview with Jeff Emtman from the Here Be Monsters podcast. This is my first time interviewing someone, and Jeff is a very interesting and thoughtful guest. We talk about life challenges, creative challenges, and what it's like to drag main. Enjoy!

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“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

― Marcus Aurelius

One of the weirdest things about being a human is how we get comfortable with our habits, and resist change, while at the same time we get bored when things stay the same. In this weeks episode will talk about how to deal with the paradox of change.

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I had the good fortune of being interviewed on Memonto the Stoics with Santiago Proaño, so I'm posting it as a bonus episode. Enjoy!

You can find his podcast here: https://anchor.fm/memento-the-stoics/

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“Whoever does wrong, wrongs himself; whoever does injustice, does it to himself, making himself evil.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Are you disturbed by the political landscape that has changed so rapidly over the last 4 years? As more and more authoritarian parties come into power around the world, we see that hatred towards others - immigrants, refugees, women, minorities - seems to be at an all-time high. In these troubled times, we need to take a look at ourselves and be sure that we don’t fall into the trap of hatred and blaming others for the disappointments in our lives.

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Why is it hard for us to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to those we care about the most? Partners, children, family, close friends - if these are the people we are the closest to why would be afraid to be ourselves around them? In this weeks episode we’ll talk about vulnerability and the real you.

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"...what you desire is something great and supreme and very near to being a god — to be unshaken. "

— Seneca

“I may be sincere, but never serious, because I don’t think the universe is serious.”

— Allen Watts

Do you struggle to live up to your principles? Do feel like when you make a mistake that all your efforts were not worth it? In this weeks episode, we’re going to talk about how to approach mistakes in a much more helpful way.

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The Un-Pursuit of Happiness

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” — Emerson

Do you struggle to find happiness within yourself? Do you despair every time you watch the news? In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about how to get over this despair and how pursuing happiness may not be the best to actually finding happiness.

Hey friends, thanks for listening to the podcast. If you like what you hear, I would really appreciate it if you could help support me by making a pledge on Patreon. You can find me at patreon.com/stoiccoffee. Even just a small amount helps in keeping this podcast going. Also, head on over to my website at www.stoic.coffee and sign up for our weekly newsletter. And lastly, if you know of someone that might like or could benefit from this podcast, please share it with them. Word of mouth is one of the best ways to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

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I talk a lot on this podcast about anger because it’s something that I’ve been working to manage in my own life. And today, I want to talk about the language of anger, and about learning to redefine and talk about anger in a different way.

“For if anger listens to reason and follows where reason leads, then it is already not anger, of which obstinacy is a proper quality; if, however, it fights back and does not become quiet when it has been ordered, but is carried forward by its desire and ferocity, then it is as useless a servant of the soul as a soldier who disregards the signal for falling back. And thus, if it suffers a measure to be applied to itself, then it must be called by a different name, and it ceases to be anger, which I understand to be unrestrained and untamable.”

— Seneca

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“Your potential, the absolute best you’re capable of — that’s the metric to measure yourself against. Your standards are. Winning is not enough. People can get lucky and win. People can be assholes and win. Anyone can win. But not everyone is the best possible version of themselves.”

― Ryan Holiday,

How often do we compare ourselves with others? Why do you we get down on ourselves when someone is better than us at something? This weeks episode is about comparison, and how to get past the need to compare ourselves with others, and change the inner critic.

Find more at: https://stoic.coffee

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How often do we look outside of ourselves to know what to do? How often do we doubt ourselves and look to others to find a solution to a problem? How often do we seek the opinions of others to feel like we’re on the right path? This weeks episode is about learning how to find the wisdom in yourself.

“Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig.

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

http://stoic.coffee/blog/look-within/

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“There are more things likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” — Seneca (Letters from a Stoic - Letter XIII: On Groundless Fears)

How many great things have never happened because of fear? How many times did you give up on a dream because of fear? This weeks episode, we’re going to talk about fear, what it is, what it does, and how to move past it.

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How do you remain true to the aspirations you have? How do you not let other people’s opinions sway you from you principles? This weeks episode is about finding your values and holding true.

“Attach yourself to what is spiritually superior, regardless of what other people think or do. Hold to your true aspirations no matter what is going on around you.” ― Epictetus

How do you remain true to the aspirations you have? How do you not let other people’s opinions sway you from your principles? This weeks episode is about finding your values and holding true.

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“What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.” 

― Epictetus

When was the last time that you felt a really strong emotion? What was that emotion? Gratitude? Joy? Anger? Jealousy? Emotions are a powerful force in our lives. When channeled properly, they can be the fuel that helps push us through to accomplishing what we want. They can also drive us in ways that we aren’t expecting or don’t want.

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“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

As human beings, we have an amazing gift - the ability to be conscious of our own thinking. How are you taking advantage of this gift? When we are unaware of the thoughts running through our head, we are relinquishing control of our mind to the old habits and patterns that we have created in our lives and letting ourselves run on autopilot.

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“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”

― Marcus Aurelius

Why do we feel a sense of injury when disagrees with us? Why do we feel hurt when someone tells us we are wrong? In this week’s episode, we’re going to talk why were worry so much about what others think of us and how to learn to deal with our ego.

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Do you feel like you have a hard time accomplishing things? Do you feel you lack the motivation to reach your goals? Today, we'll talk about some stoic ideas of accomplishing your goals.

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“Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.”

– Epictetus

How do we deal with difficulties? Do we see them as challenges or opportunities? As something that is to be suffered through, or something that teaches us who we are? In today's episode, we're going to talk about difficult circumstances and how they are the things we should be most grateful for.

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The Stoics warn us about the judgments we make and that we need to be careful about holding on to first impressions. Why do we judge others? Why do we judge ourselves? Do we even need to have an opinion about something? How do we let go of judgments?

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“Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow, and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.”

– Seneca

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“Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast...and one day you will build something that endures: something worthy of your potential.”

― Epictetus

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“The honest and good man ought to be exactly like a man who smells strong, so that the bystander, as soon as he comes near him, must smell him whether he chooses or not.”

― Marcus Aurelius

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“You must know that it is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and hear it maintained, as well as work it out in life.”

– Epictetus

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“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ”

― Epictetus

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“Very little is needed for everything to be upset and ruined, only a slight lapse in reason. it’s much easier for a mariner to wreck his ship than it is for him to keep it sailing safely; all he has to do is head a little more upwind and disaster is instantaneous. In fact, he does not have to do anything: a momentary loss of attention will produce the same result. It’s much the same in our case. If you doze off, all your progress up to that point will be negated. To keep a sharp eye on your impressions, and never fall asleep. It is no small thing that is being watched over, it equates”

— Epictetus

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“How ridiculous and unrealistic is the man who is astonished at anything that happens in life.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 12

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“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.” 



― Epictetus

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“He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.”

― Seneca

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“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”

― Marcus Aurelius

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“Man is affected, not by events, but by the view he takes of them.”

— Epictetus

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“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.” 



― Epictetus

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“To admonish is better than to reproach for admonition is mild and friendly, but reproach is harsh and insulting; and admonition corrects those who are doing wrong, but reproach only convicts them.”

― Epictetus

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“Well-being is attained little by little, and nevertheless is no little thing itself.”

― Zeno of Citium

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“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realize how unnecessary many things are. We've been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”

― Seneca

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“If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.” 



― Seneca

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“Other people's views and troubles can be contagious. Don't sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.”

― Epictetus

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“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”

― Seneca

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“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

― Seneca

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“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;

he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”

― Epictetus

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”

― Seneca

Learning to be content with and desiring what you already have is the easiest way to happiness because you already have it.

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“Even as the Sun does not wait for prayers and incantations to rise, but shines forth and is welcomed by all: so should you not wait for clapping of hands and shouts and praise to do your duty; nay, do good of your own accord, and you will be loved like the Sun.”

― Epictetus

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“As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.”

― Seneca

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“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”

― Marcus Aurelius

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“The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.”

— Epictetus

Have you found your tribe? Have you found that group of people that are your “chosen” family, who just make you feel good? Where you feel like you are accepted and understood? Where you don’t feel like you have to be on your guard?

When you find your tribe, you thrive.

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“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.”

― Epictetus

The more you learn to lighten up and are able to laugh at yourself, the more you can enjoy your life, and let go of things when they don’t work out as planned. Can you laugh at yourself? Can you let go of your ego enough to realize that you can laugh at yourself and the silly things you hold on to? If others laugh at you can you recognize that it impacts you as much as you let it? That even if they do laugh at you that it doesn’t change who you are?

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“How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it. Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course. Would anyone think it normal to return a kick to a mule or a bite to a dog?”

— Seneca

Why do we give into the angry path? Because anger is easy. Because there’s a part of anger that feels good at the time. The desire to strike back at those that you feel have wronged you is powerful.

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“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

— Epictetus

Epictetus was known for his clever wit and pithy sayings, and here he’s giving us some very good advice of how we should handle ourselves in any social situation. We’ve all been around people that dominate conversations, and maybe we’ve been that person.

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“Progress is not achieved by luck or accident, but by working on yourself daily.”

— Epictetus

Often, we find it difficult to take the steps to improve in an area we’re weak in. We can see how we want to be, and we get impatient when we’re not make the progress that we think we should. It also hard because we often know what not to do, but we don’t quite know what we should do to get where we want to be.

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“Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe that you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions; take a moment before reacting, and you will find it easier to maintain control.”

― Epictetus

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“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.”

— Marcus Aurelius

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“It is in your power to withdraw yourself whenever you desire. Perfect tranquility within consists in the good ordering of the mind, the realm of your own.” ― Marcus Aurelius

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“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” ― Marcus Aurelius

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“Epictetus being asked how a man should give pain to his enemy answered, By preparing himself to live the best life that he can.”

— Epictetus

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“The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.” ― Epictetus

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“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” ― Marcus Aurelius

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“It is unrealistic to expect people to see you as you see yourself.” ― Epictetus

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“Most of what passes for legitimate entertainment is inferior or foolish and only caters to or exploits people's weaknesses. Avoid being one of the mob who indulges in such pastimes. Your life is too short and you have important things to do. Be discriminating about what images and ideas you permit into your mind. If you yourself don't choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will, and their motives may not be the highest. It is the easiest thing in the world to slide imperceptibly into vulgarity. But there's no need for that to happen if you determine not to waste your time and attention on mindless pap.” ― Epictetus

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“Do not try to seem wise to others. If you want to live a wise life, live it on your own terms and in your own eyes.” ― Epictetus

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“A boxer derives the greatest advantage from his sparring partner – and my accuser is my sparring partner. He trains me in patience, civility and even temper.” — Epictetus

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“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?” — Marcus Aurelius

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“We must not believe the many, who say that only free people ought to be educated, but we should rather believe the philosophers who say that only the educated are free.” — Epictetus

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“Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed. Quit the evasions. Stop giving yourself needless trouble. It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in now. You are not some disinterested bystander. Participate. Exert yourself.” ― Epictetus

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“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems.” ― Epictetus

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“Don't just say you have read books. Show that through them you have learned to think better, to be a more discriminating and reflective person. Books are the training weights of the mind. They are very helpful, but it would be a bad mistake to suppose that one has made progress simply by having internalized their contents." ― Epictetus

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“Accustom yourself to attend carefully to what is said by another, and as much as it is possible, try to inhabit the speaker’s mind.” — Marcus Aurelius

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"When you have been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to yourself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts." — Marcus Aurelius

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“Sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy.” — Epictetus

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"Remember, too, on every occasion that leads you to vexation to apply this principle: not that this is a misfortune, but that to bear it nobly is good fortune." — Marcus Aurelius

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“So does this misfortune prevent you in any way from being just, generous, sober, reasonable, careful, free from error, courteous, free, etc. – all of which together make human nature complete?” — Epictetus

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“If money is your only standard, then consider that, by your lights, someone who loses their nose does not suffer any harm.“ — Epictetus

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“Show me one person who cares how they act, someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. While out walking, who gives any thought to the act of walking itself? Who pays attention to the process of planning, not just the outcome?” — Epictetus

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"Let us overlook many things in those who are like opponents in the gymnasium. For, as I have said before, it is in our power to get out of the way and to have no suspicion or hatred." — Marcus Aurelius

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"Everything is only for a day, both that which remembers and that which is remembered." — Marcus Aurelius

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“When somebody’s wife or child dies, to a man we all routinely say, ‘Well, that’s part of life.’ But if one of our own family is involved, then right away it’s ‘Poor, poor me!’ We would do better to remember how we react when a similar loss afflicts others.” — Epictetus

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"This, then, is the beginning of philosophy – an awareness of one’s own mental fitness." — Epictetus

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“We are responsible for some things, while there are others for which we cannot be held responsible.” — Epictetus

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“Impressions, striking a person’s mind as soon as he perceives something within range of his senses, are not voluntary or subject to his will, they impose themselves on people’s attention almost with a will of their own. But the act of assent which endorses these impressions is voluntary and a function of the human will.” — Epictetus

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“I have a bad neighbour – bad, that is, for himself. For me, though, he is good: he exercises my powers of fairness and sociability. “ — Epictetus

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“If we try to adapt our mind to the regular sequence of changes and accept the inevitable with good grace, our life will proceed quite smoothly and harmoniously.” - Epictetus

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“[Treat] unenlightened souls with sympathy and indulgence, remembering that they are ignorant or mistaken about what’s most important. Never be harsh, remember Plato’s dictum: ‘Every soul is deprived of the truth against its will.’“ — Epictetus

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“If you like doing something, do it regularly; if you don’t like doing something, make a habit of doing something different. The same goes for moral inclinations. When you get angry, you should know that you aren’t guilty of an isolated lapse, you’ve encouraged a trend and thrown fuel on the fire.” — Epictetus

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"If you didn’t learn these things in order to demonstrate them in practice, what did you learn them for?" - Epictetus

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“When a guide meets up with someone who is lost, ordinarily his reaction is to direct him on the right path, not mock or malign him, then turn on his heel and walk away. As for you, lead someone to the truth and you will find that he can follow. But as long as you don’t point it out to him, don’t make fun of him; be aware of what you need to work on instead.” -Epictetus

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“Take a lyre player: he’s relaxed when he performs alone, but put him in front of an audience, and it’s a different story, no matter how beautiful his voice or how well he plays the instrument. Why? Because he not only wants to perform well, he wants to be well received – and the latter lies outside his control.“ -Epictetus

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"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.” – Epictetus

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“All our efforts must be directed towards an end, or we will act in vain. If it is not the right end, we will fail utterly.” - Epictetus

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“People with a strong physical constitution can tolerate extremes of hot and cold; people of strong mental health can handle anger, grief, joy and the other emotions." - Epictetus

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“Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well ordered mind than a man’s ability to stop just where he is and pass some time in his own company.” ― Seneca

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“There are two vices much blacker and more serious than the rest: lack of persistence and lack of self-control ... persist and resist.” - Epictetus

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“So when you hear that even life and the like are indifferent, don’t become apathetic; and by the same token, when you’re advised to care about them, don’t become superficial and conceive a passion for externals.” - Epictetus

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"Where does the good lie? ‘In the will.’ And evil? ‘Also in the will.’ And things neither good nor bad – ‘... lie in whatever is external to the will.’" - Epictetus

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“Is any man afraid of change? What can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And can you take a hot bath unless the wood for the fire undergoes a change? And can you be nourished unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Do you not see then that for yourself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?” - Marcus Aurelius

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“What illusion about myself do I entertain?” - Epictetus

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“Settle on the type of person you want to be and stick to it, whether alone or in company. “ - Epictetus

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“The more we value things outside our control, the less control we have.” - Epictetus

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“For what does reason purport to do? ‘Establish what is true, eliminate what is false and suspend judgement in doubtful cases.’ ... What else does reason prescribe? ‘To accept the consequence of what has been admitted to be correct.’“ - Epictetus

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“What makes for freedom and fluency in the practice of writing? Knowledge of how to write. The same goes for the practice of playing an instrument. It follows that, in the conduct of life, there must be a science to living well.” - Epictetus

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“So make a practice at once of saying to every strong impression: ‘An impression is all you are, not the source of the impression.’ Then test and assess it with your criteria, but one primarily: ask, ‘Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?’” - Epictetus

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“If you learn that someone is speaking ill of you, don’t try to defend yourself against the rumours; respond instead with, ‘Yes, and he doesn’t know the half of it, because he could have said more.’” - Epictetus

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"If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth by which no man was ever injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance. " - Marcus Aurelius

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“People to whom such things are still denied come to imagine that everything good will be theirs if only they could acquire them. Then they get them: and their longing is unchanged, their anxiety is unchanged, their disgust is no less, and they still long for whatever is lacking. Freedom is not achieved by satisfying desire, but by eliminating it.” - Epictetus

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“Do not be disgusted, discouraged, or dissatisfied if you do not succeed in doing everything according to right principles; but when you have failed, return again, and be content if the greater part of what you do is consistent with man’s nature. “ - Marcus Aurelius

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“In your conversation, don’t dwell at excessive length on your own deeds or adventures. Just because you enjoy recounting your exploits doesn’t mean that others derive the same pleasure from hearing about them.” - Epictetus

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"To care for all men is according to man’s nature; and man should value the opinion only of those who openly live according to nature. " - Marcus Aurelius

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“When someone criticizes you, they do so because they believe they are right. They can only go by their views, not yours. If their views are wrong, it is they who will suffer the consequences. Keeping this in mind, treat your critics with compassion. When you are tempted to get back at them, remind yourself, ‘They did what seemed to them to be the right thing to do.’” - Epictetus

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"Acquire the contemplative way of seeing how all things change into one another, and constantly attend to it, and exercise yourself in this part of philosophy. For nothing is so well suited to produce magnanimity." - Marcus Aurelius

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“If someone bathes quickly, don’t say he doesn’t bathe properly, say he bathes quickly. If someone drinks a lot, don’t say he is a drunk, say he drinks a lot. Unless you know their reasons for their actions how can you be sure of your negative judgment of them? Not judging others too quickly will save you from misperceiving their actions.” - Epictetus

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“When you confine yourself to only those things that are under your control, you cannot be defeated. Don’t be fooled by outward appearances. People with more prestige, power, or some other distinction are not necessarily happier because of what they have. There is no reason to be envious or jealous of anyone. If you lead a rational life, the good lies within you. Our concern should be our freedom, not titles and prestigious positions. The way to freedom is not to be too concerned about things we don’t control.” -Epictetus

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“Remember that for every challenge you face, you have the resources within you to cope with that challenge. If you are inappropriately attracted to someone, you will find you have the resource of self-restraint. When you have pain, you have the resource of endurance. When you are insulted, you have the resource of patience. If you start thinking along these lines, soon you will find that you don’t have a single challenge for which you don’t have the resource to cope.” - Epictetus

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“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now.” - Marcus Aurelius

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“He who fears death fears either the loss of sensation or a different kind of sensation. But if you shall have no sensation, neither will you feel any harm; and if you will acquire another kind of sensation, you will be a different kind of living being and you will not cease to live.” - Marcus Aurelius

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“No longer talk at all about the kind of man that a good man ought to be, but be such.” - Marcus Aurelius

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"If a man objects to truths that are all too evident, it is no easy task finding arguments that will change his mind. This is proof neither of his own strength nor of his teacher’s weakness. When someone caught in an argument hardens to stone, there is just no more reasoning with them." - Epictetus

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“A brief existence is common to all things, and yet you avoid and pursue all things as if they would be eternal.” - Marcus Aurelius

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“Pleasures, when they go beyond a certain limit, are but punishments.” - Seneca

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“The man who spends his time choosing one resort after another in a hunt for peace and quiet, will in every place he visits find something to prevent him from relaxing.” - Seneca

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“We abandon our pursuits because we despair of ever perfecting them.” - Epictetus

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“It is essential to make oneself used to putting up with a little. Even the wealthy and the well provided are continually met and frustrated by difficult times and situations. It is in no man’s power to have whatever he wants; but he has it in his power not to wish for what he hasn’t got, and cheerfully make the most of the things that do come his way.” - Seneca

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“A setback has often cleared the way for greater prosperity. Many things have fallen only to rise to more exalted heights.” - Seneca

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“My advice is really this: what we hear the philosophers saying and what we find in their writings should be applied in our pursuit of the happy life. We should hunt out the helpful pieces of teaching, and the spirited and noble-minded sayings which are capable of immediate practical application - not far-fetched or archaic expressions or extravagant metaphors and figures of speech - and learn them so well that words become works.” - Seneca

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“What else are tragedies but the ordeals of people who have come to value externals, tricked out in tragic verse?” - Epictetus

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Who do you seek the approval of? There’s only one person’s approval that matters.

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Is a life with little drama boring or fulfilling?

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When something bad happens in your life who’s to blame?

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Let go of what you know so you can grow.

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Learning a principle is easy. Applying it is hard. Growth takes time.

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Are life’s difficulties troubles to be avoided or opportunities for you to grow? It’s your choice.

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How do you balance living your true self with seek the approval of others?

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How do you handle haters?

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Keeping track our progress is key to creating a better life.

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How do you let go of your assumptions?

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Are you being the best version of yourself?

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Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Trust your path.

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Never assume a malice when ignorance is more likely.

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The greatest emperor in Rome had role models. Who are yours?

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Can you be grateful for the challenges in your life?

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How you think about things determines how you feel about them.

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You cannot lose what you do not own

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What does it mean to be a stoic?

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Own every second that this world can give.

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Are you creating a life that is better than death?

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Why we should learn to love our fate.

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What if you could be 100% in charge of your own emotions?

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How should a stoic receive criticism?

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Since we cannot control other people and have to accept them for who they are, does that mean we have to accept their bad behavior?

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“Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others,” wrote Seneca. Rather wasting time trying to change others, we should learn how be more accepting of who they are.

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You can’t control what happens to you in your life, but you can control your reaction.

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A key factor in living a principled life is consistency. What areas of your life could be improved with a little consistency?

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What are the uncomfortable truths about yourself that you are afraid to face in your life?

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8 - Unquestioned Beliefs

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Latest episode of Stoic Meditations

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Latest episode of Stoic Meditations

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Learning is the new Procrastination

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4 - What Are You Thinking?

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Latest episode of Stoic Meditations

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What are you meant to do in the world?

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First episode. What is under your control?